1
00:03:11,100 --> 00:03:14,228
I'm going for a cup of
tea. Do you want one?
2
00:03:15,638 --> 00:03:19,074
- Do you want a cup of tea, Withnail?
- No.
3
00:04:08,357 --> 00:04:11,224
Thirteen million Londoners
have to wake up to this.
4
00:04:11,327 --> 00:04:14,228
The murder and all-bran and rape?
5
00:04:14,330 --> 00:04:17,822
And I'm sitting in this bloody
shack, and I can't cope with Withnail.
6
00:04:17,933 --> 00:04:19,992
I must be out of my mind.
7
00:04:20,102 --> 00:04:23,162
I must go home at once and
discuss his problems in depth.
8
00:04:25,975 --> 00:04:28,637
I have some extremely distressing news.
9
00:04:28,744 --> 00:04:31,736
I don't want to hear it. I
don't want to hear anything.
10
00:04:33,349 --> 00:04:36,944
My God, it's a nightmare, let
me tell you. It's a nightmare.
11
00:04:37,052 --> 00:04:40,044
We've just run out of wine.
What are we gonna do about it?
12
00:04:40,155 --> 00:04:42,646
I don't know. I don't know.
13
00:04:42,758 --> 00:04:45,784
Oh, God! I don't feel good.
14
00:04:45,895 --> 00:04:50,093
My thumbs have gone weird!
15
00:04:50,199 --> 00:04:53,464
I'm in the middle of a bloody overdose.
16
00:04:53,569 --> 00:04:56,538
Oh, God!
17
00:04:56,639 --> 00:04:59,699
My heart's beating like a fucked clock!
18
00:04:59,808 --> 00:05:02,242
I feel dreadful. I feel really dreadful.
19
00:05:02,344 --> 00:05:04,710
So do I. So does everybody.
20
00:05:04,813 --> 00:05:06,838
Look at my tongue.
21
00:05:06,949 --> 00:05:09,417
Gray yellow sock.
22
00:05:09,518 --> 00:05:12,248
Sit down, for Christ's sake.
What's the matter with you?
23
00:05:13,722 --> 00:05:16,384
Eat some sugar.
24
00:05:16,492 --> 00:05:19,859
Listen to this. "Curse of the supermen.
25
00:05:19,962 --> 00:05:23,762
"'I took drugs to win medal,'
says top athlete Jeff Wode.
26
00:05:23,866 --> 00:05:26,835
- Where's the coffee?
- "In a world exclusive interview,
27
00:05:26,936 --> 00:05:31,168
"33-year-old shot putter Jeff
Wode, who weighs 317 pounds,
28
00:05:31,273 --> 00:05:34,868
"admitted taking massive
doses of anabolic steroids,
29
00:05:34,977 --> 00:05:37,275
"drugs banned in sport.
30
00:05:37,379 --> 00:05:40,507
"'He used to get in bad
tempers,' says his wife.
31
00:05:40,616 --> 00:05:43,449
"'He used to pick on
me. But now he's stopped,
32
00:05:43,552 --> 00:05:46,851
he's much better in our sex
life and in our general life. "'
33
00:05:46,956 --> 00:05:51,757
Jesus Christ! This
huge, thatched head...
34
00:05:51,860 --> 00:05:56,422
with its earlobes and cannonball
is not considered sane.
35
00:05:56,532 --> 00:05:58,830
"Jeff Wode is feeling better...
36
00:05:58,934 --> 00:06:03,462
and is now prepared to step back into
society and start tossing his orb about. "
37
00:06:03,572 --> 00:06:05,938
Look at him! Look at Jeff Wode!
38
00:06:06,041 --> 00:06:08,976
His head must weigh
50 pounds on its own.
39
00:06:10,412 --> 00:06:13,006
Imagine the size of his balls.
40
00:06:14,483 --> 00:06:17,418
Imagine getting into a
fight with the fucker.
41
00:06:17,519 --> 00:06:19,453
Please, I don't feel good.
42
00:06:19,555 --> 00:06:23,548
That's what you'd say. But
that wouldn't wash with Jeff.
43
00:06:23,659 --> 00:06:27,686
No. He'd like a bit of
pleading. Adds spice to it.
44
00:06:27,796 --> 00:06:32,961
In fact, he'd probably tell you what
he was gonna do before he did it.
45
00:06:34,470 --> 00:06:36,836
"I'm gonna pull your head off. "
46
00:06:36,939 --> 00:06:39,601
"No, please don't pull my head off. "
47
00:06:39,708 --> 00:06:43,804
"I'm gonna pull your head off
because I don't like your head. "
48
00:06:47,916 --> 00:06:51,477
Have you got soup? Why
didn't I get any soup?
49
00:06:51,587 --> 00:06:53,555
Coffee.
50
00:06:53,655 --> 00:06:55,816
Why don't you use a cup
like any other human being?
51
00:06:55,924 --> 00:06:58,722
Why don't you wash up occasionally
like any other human being?
52
00:06:58,827 --> 00:07:02,593
How dare you! How dare you!
53
00:07:02,698 --> 00:07:05,166
How dare you call me inhumane!
54
00:07:05,267 --> 00:07:08,259
I didn't call you inhumane. You
merely imagined it. Calm down.
55
00:07:08,370 --> 00:07:11,203
Right, you fucker. I'm
gonna do the washing up.
56
00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:14,469
No, no, you can't. It's
impossible, I swear.
57
00:07:14,576 --> 00:07:17,306
I've looked into it.
Listen to me! Listen to me!
58
00:07:17,413 --> 00:07:20,246
There are things in there.
There's a tea bag growing.
59
00:07:20,349 --> 00:07:23,614
You haven't slept in 60 hours.
You're in no state to tackle it.
60
00:07:23,719 --> 00:07:26,187
Wait till the morning.
We'll go in together.
61
00:07:26,288 --> 00:07:28,916
This is the morning! Stand aside!
62
00:07:29,024 --> 00:07:32,983
You don't understand! I think there
may be something living in there.
63
00:07:33,095 --> 00:07:35,359
I think there may be something alive.
64
00:07:35,464 --> 00:07:38,228
- What do you mean? A rat?
- It's possible.
65
00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:41,393
Then the fucker will rue the day.
66
00:07:43,539 --> 00:07:47,976
Oh, Christ Almighty! A
sinew in nicotine base.
67
00:07:48,077 --> 00:07:51,535
Keep back, keep back. The
entire sink's gone rotten.
68
00:07:51,647 --> 00:07:53,547
I don't know what's in here.
69
00:07:53,649 --> 00:07:57,779
I told you, you've been bitten!
70
00:07:57,886 --> 00:08:00,616
Burnt! Burnt! The
fucking kettle's on fire!
71
00:08:00,722 --> 00:08:03,190
- There's something floating up.
- Fork it!
72
00:08:03,292 --> 00:08:06,784
- L-I-I don't... -
You must! You must!
73
00:08:06,895 --> 00:08:10,991
The poop will boil through the glaze. We'll
never be able to use our dinner service again.
74
00:08:11,100 --> 00:08:13,500
Here. Get it with the pliers.
75
00:08:13,602 --> 00:08:16,002
No, no. No, no. Give me the gloves.
76
00:08:16,105 --> 00:08:18,801
That's right. Put on the gloves.
77
00:08:18,907 --> 00:08:21,808
Don't attempt anything
without the gloves.
78
00:08:25,180 --> 00:08:28,081
- Ugh.
- What is it? What have you found?
79
00:08:28,183 --> 00:08:30,811
Matter.
80
00:08:30,919 --> 00:08:33,410
Matter? Where's it coming from?
81
00:08:33,522 --> 00:08:36,514
Don't look. I'm dealing with it.
82
00:08:38,594 --> 00:08:40,960
I think we've been in here too long.
83
00:08:41,063 --> 00:08:44,692
I feel unusual. I think
we should go outside.
84
00:08:49,771 --> 00:08:52,706
This is ridiculous. Look at me.
85
00:08:52,808 --> 00:08:56,300
I'm 30 in a month, and I've
got a sole flapping off my shoe.
86
00:08:56,411 --> 00:08:59,403
It will get better. It has to.
87
00:08:59,515 --> 00:09:02,450
Easy for you to say, lovey.
You've had an audition.
88
00:09:02,551 --> 00:09:05,019
Why can't I have an audition?
89
00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:09,819
It's ridiculous. I've been to
drama school. I'm good-looking.
90
00:09:09,925 --> 00:09:14,021
I tell you, I've a fuck sight more talent
than half the rubbish that gets on television.
91
00:09:14,129 --> 00:09:16,222
Why can't I get on television?
92
00:09:16,331 --> 00:09:18,561
I don't know. It'll happen.
93
00:09:18,667 --> 00:09:21,227
Will it? That's what you say.
94
00:09:21,336 --> 00:09:24,931
The only program I'm likely
to get on is the fucking news.
95
00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:27,508
I tell you, I can't
take much more of this.
96
00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:30,043
- I'm gonna crack.
- I'm in the same boat.
97
00:09:30,145 --> 00:09:32,045
Yeah, yeah.
98
00:09:32,147 --> 00:09:34,741
I feel as sick as a pike.
99
00:09:34,850 --> 00:09:36,977
I'm gonna have to sit down.
100
00:09:42,157 --> 00:09:45,251
You know what we should do?
101
00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:47,988
I say, you know what we should do?
102
00:09:48,096 --> 00:09:51,088
How can I possibly
know what we should do?
103
00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:54,727
- What should we do?
- Get out of it for a while.
104
00:09:54,836 --> 00:09:57,600
Get into the countryside, rejuvenate.
105
00:09:57,706 --> 00:10:01,733
Rejuvenate? I'm in a park,
and I'm practically dead.
106
00:10:01,843 --> 00:10:04,744
What good's the countryside?
107
00:10:04,846 --> 00:10:09,010
- What time is it?
- It's 8:00.
108
00:10:09,117 --> 00:10:13,520
Four hours till opening
time. God help us.
109
00:10:13,622 --> 00:10:16,022
Have we got any embrocation?
110
00:10:17,993 --> 00:10:20,461
- What for?
- To rub on us, you fool.
111
00:10:20,562 --> 00:10:23,656
We can cover ourselves in Deep Heat
and get up against the radiator,
112
00:10:23,765 --> 00:10:26,233
keep ourselves alive till 12:00.
113
00:10:28,036 --> 00:10:30,470
Jesus, look at that!
114
00:10:30,572 --> 00:10:33,370
Apart from a raw potato,
that's the only solid...
115
00:10:33,475 --> 00:10:36,603
to have passed my lips
in the last 60 hours.
116
00:10:36,712 --> 00:10:39,112
I must be ill.
117
00:10:41,383 --> 00:10:45,217
Even a stopped clock gives
the right time twice a day.
118
00:10:46,722 --> 00:10:50,681
And for once, I'm inclined to
believe that Withnail is right.
119
00:10:50,792 --> 00:10:55,229
We are, indeed, drifting
into the arena of the unwell,
120
00:10:57,065 --> 00:11:00,057
making an enemy of our own future.
121
00:11:00,168 --> 00:11:03,137
What we need is harmony,
122
00:11:03,238 --> 00:11:06,332
fresh air, stuff like that.
123
00:11:06,441 --> 00:11:09,933
Wasn't much in the tube.
Nothing left for you.
124
00:11:10,045 --> 00:11:13,344
Why don't you ask your
father for some money?
125
00:11:13,448 --> 00:11:16,417
If we had some money, we could go away.
126
00:11:16,518 --> 00:11:20,181
Why don't you ask your father?
How can it be so cold in here?
127
00:11:20,289 --> 00:11:22,621
Like Greenland in here.
128
00:11:24,393 --> 00:11:28,853
We've got to get some booze. It's the
only solution for this intense cold.
129
00:11:28,964 --> 00:11:33,060
Something's got to be done.
We can't go on like this!
130
00:11:33,168 --> 00:11:37,366
I'm a trained actor reduced
to the status of a bum!
131
00:11:37,472 --> 00:11:42,171
I mean, look at us! Nothing that reasonable
members of society demand as their rights!
132
00:11:42,277 --> 00:11:45,508
No fridges, no televisions, no phones!
133
00:11:45,614 --> 00:11:47,946
Much more of this, I'm gonna
apply for Meals On Wheels.
134
00:11:48,050 --> 00:11:51,952
- What happened to your cigar commercial?
- That's what I want to know.
135
00:11:52,054 --> 00:11:55,251
What happened to my agent?
Bastard must have died.
136
00:11:55,357 --> 00:11:57,257
September. Bad patch.
137
00:11:57,359 --> 00:12:00,487
Rubbish. I haven't seen
Gielgud down the Labor Exchange.
138
00:12:00,595 --> 00:12:02,495
Why doesn't he retire?
139
00:12:02,597 --> 00:12:05,498
Oh, look at this little bastard!
140
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:08,933
"Boy lands plum role for
top Italian director. "
141
00:12:09,037 --> 00:12:13,098
'Course he does. Probably on a
tenner a day, and I know what for.
142
00:12:13,208 --> 00:12:17,042
Two pound ten a tit,
and a fiver for his arse.
143
00:12:19,748 --> 00:12:22,546
- Have you been at the controls?
- What are you talking about?
144
00:12:22,651 --> 00:12:25,313
The thermostats! What
have you done to them?
145
00:12:25,420 --> 00:12:28,583
- I haven't touched them.
- Then why has my head gone numb?
146
00:12:28,690 --> 00:12:31,181
I must have some booze.
147
00:12:31,293 --> 00:12:34,023
I demand to have some booze!
148
00:12:36,164 --> 00:12:38,894
- I wouldn't drink that if I was you.
- Why not?
149
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,900
Because I don't advise it.
150
00:12:41,002 --> 00:12:43,903
Even the wankers on the site wouldn't
drink that. That's worse than meths.
151
00:12:44,005 --> 00:12:46,974
Nonsense. This is a far
superior drink to meths.
152
00:12:47,075 --> 00:12:49,942
Wankers don't drink it
because they can't afford it.
153
00:12:54,316 --> 00:12:57,285
Have we got any more?
154
00:12:57,386 --> 00:13:00,116
Liar! What's in your toolbox?
155
00:13:00,222 --> 00:13:02,281
No, we have nothing. Sit down.
156
00:13:02,391 --> 00:13:04,791
Liar! You've got antifreeze.
157
00:13:04,893 --> 00:13:07,794
You bloody fool. You should
never mix your drinks!
158
00:13:16,671 --> 00:13:20,573
All right, this is the plan.
We'll get in there and get wrecked.
159
00:13:20,675 --> 00:13:24,611
Then we'll eat a pork pie. Then we'll
drop a couple of Surmontil 50s each.
160
00:13:24,713 --> 00:13:28,149
Means we'll miss out Monday but
come up smiling Tuesday morning.
161
00:13:28,250 --> 00:13:31,651
- What's that appalling smell?
- Perfume on my boots.
162
00:13:31,753 --> 00:13:34,813
I had to scrub them
with essence of petunia.
163
00:13:42,063 --> 00:13:46,124
Two large gins, two pints
of cider, ice in the cider.
164
00:13:46,234 --> 00:13:48,794
If my father was loaded,
I'd ask him for some money.
165
00:13:48,904 --> 00:13:51,668
If your father was my
father, you wouldn't get it.
166
00:13:51,773 --> 00:13:54,173
- Here you are,
lads. - Chin-chin.
167
00:13:57,946 --> 00:13:59,846
Ugh!
168
00:14:01,383 --> 00:14:04,011
What about
what's-his-name?
169
00:14:04,119 --> 00:14:07,452
- What about him?
- Why don't you give him a call?
170
00:14:07,556 --> 00:14:10,992
- What for?
- Ask him about his house.
171
00:14:11,092 --> 00:14:14,186
You want me to call what's-his-name
and ask him about his house?
172
00:14:14,296 --> 00:14:17,629
- Why not?
- All right. What's his number?
173
00:14:17,732 --> 00:14:20,394
I have no idea. I've never met him.
174
00:14:20,502 --> 00:14:23,403
Well, neither have I. Who the
fuck are you talking about?
175
00:14:23,505 --> 00:14:25,837
Your relative with the
house in the country.
176
00:14:25,941 --> 00:14:28,603
- Monty? Uncle Monty?
- Same. That's the one.
177
00:14:28,710 --> 00:14:31,679
Get the Jag fixed up, spend
a week in the country.
178
00:14:31,780 --> 00:14:35,580
All right. Give us a tanner,
and I'll give him a bell.
179
00:14:35,684 --> 00:14:40,178
Here. Get a couple more.
I'm going for a slash.
180
00:14:47,128 --> 00:14:49,028
Ponce.
181
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:54,696
I could hardly piss straight with fear.
182
00:14:54,803 --> 00:14:58,364
A man with three-quarters of an inch
of brain had taken a dislike to me.
183
00:14:58,473 --> 00:15:02,876
What have I done to offend him? I don't
consciously offend big men like this.
184
00:15:02,978 --> 00:15:05,879
And this one has a definite
imbalance of hormone in him.
185
00:15:05,981 --> 00:15:09,109
Get any more masculine than him,
you'd have to live up a tree.
186
00:15:09,217 --> 00:15:12,448
"I fuck arses. " Who fucks arses?
187
00:15:12,554 --> 00:15:15,250
Maybe he fucks arses.
188
00:15:15,357 --> 00:15:18,485
Maybe he's written this in some
moment of drunken sincerity?
189
00:15:18,593 --> 00:15:21,061
I'm in considerable danger in here.
190
00:15:21,162 --> 00:15:23,153
I must get out of here at once.
191
00:15:27,502 --> 00:15:29,663
Perfumed ponce!
192
00:15:31,540 --> 00:15:34,771
You'll be pleased to hear
Monty's invited us for drinks.
193
00:15:34,876 --> 00:15:37,071
Balls to Monty. We're getting out.
194
00:15:37,178 --> 00:15:40,306
Balls to Monty? I already spent
an hour flattering the bugger.
195
00:15:40,415 --> 00:15:44,351
There's a man over there doesn't like
the perfume. A big one. Don't look.
196
00:15:44,452 --> 00:15:47,182
We're in danger. We've got to get out.
197
00:15:47,289 --> 00:15:51,316
- What are you talking about?
- I've been called a ponce.
198
00:15:51,426 --> 00:15:54,554
What fucker said that?
199
00:16:00,101 --> 00:16:03,070
I called him a ponce,
200
00:16:03,171 --> 00:16:05,537
and now I'm calling you one.
201
00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:07,767
Ponce!
202
00:16:07,876 --> 00:16:10,208
Would you like a drink?
203
00:16:10,312 --> 00:16:12,337
What's your name? McFuck?
204
00:16:13,715 --> 00:16:17,276
I have a heart condition.
I have a heart condition.
205
00:16:17,385 --> 00:16:20,115
If you hit me, it's murder.
206
00:16:20,221 --> 00:16:22,917
I'll murder the pair of yous!
207
00:16:23,024 --> 00:16:25,720
My wife is having a baby.
208
00:16:25,827 --> 00:16:30,355
Listen, I don't know what my...
acquaintance did to upset you,
209
00:16:30,465 --> 00:16:32,990
but it's nothing to do with me.
210
00:16:33,101 --> 00:16:35,729
I suggest you both go outside...
211
00:16:35,837 --> 00:16:38,601
and discuss it sensibly in the street.
212
00:16:41,276 --> 00:16:43,176
Out of my way!
213
00:16:48,917 --> 00:16:51,909
Speed is like a dozen
transatlantic flights...
214
00:16:52,020 --> 00:16:54,386
without ever getting off the plane.
215
00:16:54,489 --> 00:16:58,585
Time change. You lose. You gain.
216
00:16:58,693 --> 00:17:02,720
Makes no difference, so long
as you keep taking the pills.
217
00:17:02,831 --> 00:17:05,664
But sooner or later,
you gotta get out...
218
00:17:05,767 --> 00:17:07,894
because it's crashing,
219
00:17:08,003 --> 00:17:10,995
and all at once those frozen hours...
220
00:17:11,106 --> 00:17:13,734
melt through the nervous system...
221
00:17:13,842 --> 00:17:17,005
and seep out the pores.
222
00:17:18,313 --> 00:17:21,510
Bastards! Just to suck...
223
00:17:21,616 --> 00:17:25,074
some miserable cheap cigar,
and the bastards won't see me.
224
00:17:27,622 --> 00:17:29,590
Why are we having lunch in here?
225
00:17:29,691 --> 00:17:31,682
It's dinner, and Danny's here.
226
00:17:31,793 --> 00:17:33,693
Danny? How did he get in?
227
00:17:33,795 --> 00:17:36,559
I let him in this morning.
He lost one of his clogs.
228
00:17:36,665 --> 00:17:39,293
He's come in because
of this perpetual cold.
229
00:17:39,401 --> 00:17:42,234
Oh, I hope tobacco sales plummet.
230
00:17:42,337 --> 00:17:46,273
I've got your saveloy.
Here. I don't want it.
231
00:17:46,374 --> 00:17:49,138
Then stick it in a soap
tray and save it for later.
232
00:17:49,244 --> 00:17:51,906
Don't vent spleen on
me! I'm in the same boat!
233
00:17:52,013 --> 00:17:54,846
Stop saying that! You're
not in the same boat.
234
00:17:54,949 --> 00:17:59,386
The only thing you're in that I
have been in is this fucking bath!
235
00:18:01,656 --> 00:18:05,888
Danny's here. Headhunter to his friends.
236
00:18:05,994 --> 00:18:09,896
Headhunter to everybody.
He doesn't have any friends.
237
00:18:09,998 --> 00:18:12,728
The only people he converses with...
238
00:18:12,834 --> 00:18:15,735
are his clients and
occasionally the police.
239
00:18:15,837 --> 00:18:20,740
The purveyor of rare herbs and
prescribed chemicals is back.
240
00:18:20,842 --> 00:18:23,868
Will we never be set free?
241
00:18:28,516 --> 00:18:32,043
- Danny.
- You're looking very beautiful, man.
242
00:18:32,153 --> 00:18:34,053
Have you been away?
243
00:18:34,155 --> 00:18:38,216
St. Peter preached the epistles
to the apostles looking like that.
244
00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:40,658
Have you got any food?
245
00:18:40,762 --> 00:18:44,163
Mmm. As a matter of
fact, I got a saveloy.
246
00:18:44,265 --> 00:18:47,132
How much is it?
247
00:18:47,235 --> 00:18:49,430
You can have it for nothing.
248
00:18:49,537 --> 00:18:52,597
- I see you're wearing a suit.
- What's it got to do with you?
249
00:18:52,707 --> 00:18:56,939
No need to get uptight, man. I
was merely making an observation.
250
00:18:57,045 --> 00:19:01,573
I happened to be looking for a
suit for the Coalman two weeks ago.
251
00:19:01,683 --> 00:19:04,914
For reasons I can't
really discuss with you...
252
00:19:05,019 --> 00:19:07,613
the Coalman had to go to Jamaica.
253
00:19:07,722 --> 00:19:10,486
Got busted coming back through Heathrow.
254
00:19:13,595 --> 00:19:15,495
Had a weight under his fez.
255
00:19:15,597 --> 00:19:19,727
We worked out, it would be very handy
karma for him to get hold of a suit.
256
00:19:19,834 --> 00:19:23,201
But he's a very low-temperature
spade, the Coalman.
257
00:19:23,304 --> 00:19:26,273
Goes into court in
his caftan and a bell.
258
00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:30,310
This doesn't go down at all well.
259
00:19:30,411 --> 00:19:33,972
They can handle the caftan,
but they can't handle the bell.
260
00:19:34,082 --> 00:19:37,643
So there's this judge sitting there
in the cape like fucking Batman...
261
00:19:37,752 --> 00:19:41,313
- with this really rather
far-out looking hat... - Wig.
262
00:19:41,422 --> 00:19:45,483
No, man. This was more
like a long white hat.
263
00:19:45,593 --> 00:19:48,118
So he looks at the Coalman and says,
264
00:19:48,229 --> 00:19:51,824
"What's all this? This is a court,
man. This ain't fancy dress. "
265
00:19:51,933 --> 00:19:54,629
And the Coalman looks at him and says,
266
00:19:54,736 --> 00:19:57,762
"You think you look normal, Your Honor?"
267
00:19:57,872 --> 00:20:00,898
Cunt give him two years.
268
00:20:02,911 --> 00:20:05,971
I'm afraid I can't offer
you gentlemen anything.
269
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:08,810
That's all right, Danny. We
decided to lay off for a bit.
270
00:20:08,917 --> 00:20:12,683
That's what I thought. Except for
personal use, I concur with you.
271
00:20:12,787 --> 00:20:17,190
As a matter of fact, I'm thinking
of retiring and going into business.
272
00:20:17,292 --> 00:20:19,783
Doing what?
273
00:20:19,894 --> 00:20:23,125
- The toy industry.
- I thought you were in the bottle industry.
274
00:20:23,231 --> 00:20:27,395
No, man. That's a
sideline. You can have that.
275
00:20:27,502 --> 00:20:30,232
Instructions are included.
276
00:20:30,338 --> 00:20:34,502
Yeah, my partner's got a really
good idea for making dolls.
277
00:20:34,609 --> 00:20:39,171
His name's Presuming Ed.
His sister give him the idea.
278
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,976
She got a doll on Christmas
what pisses itself.
279
00:20:42,083 --> 00:20:45,519
- Really?
- Yeah, and you gotta change its drawers for it.
280
00:20:45,620 --> 00:20:48,646
It's horrible, really. But
they like that, little girls.
281
00:20:48,756 --> 00:20:51,657
So we're gonna make one
that shits itself as well.
282
00:20:51,759 --> 00:20:54,353
- Shits itself?
- He's an expert.
283
00:20:54,462 --> 00:20:57,226
He's building the prototype now.
284
00:21:00,001 --> 00:21:02,162
Why is he behaving so uptightly?
285
00:21:02,270 --> 00:21:06,229
Because a gang of cheeroot vendors
considered a haircut beyond my abilities.
286
00:21:06,341 --> 00:21:09,242
I don't advise a haircut, man.
287
00:21:09,344 --> 00:21:12,507
All hairdressers are in the
employment of the government.
288
00:21:12,614 --> 00:21:14,775
Hair are your aerials.
289
00:21:14,883 --> 00:21:17,351
They pick up signals from the cosmos...
290
00:21:17,452 --> 00:21:20,250
and transmit them
directly into the brain.
291
00:21:20,355 --> 00:21:23,483
This is the reason
bald-headed men are uptight.
292
00:21:23,591 --> 00:21:25,923
What absolute twaddle.
293
00:21:27,362 --> 00:21:29,262
- Has he just been busted?
- No.
294
00:21:29,364 --> 00:21:31,594
Then why is he wearing that old suit?
295
00:21:31,699 --> 00:21:35,760
Old suit? This suit was cut
by Hawke's of Savile Row.
296
00:21:35,870 --> 00:21:39,829
Just because the best tailoring you've ever seen is
above your fucking appendix doesn't mean anything!
297
00:21:39,941 --> 00:21:42,432
Don't get uptight with me, man.
298
00:21:42,543 --> 00:21:47,071
'Cause if you do, I'll have
to give you a dose of medicine.
299
00:21:47,181 --> 00:21:51,277
And if I spike you, you'll
know you've been spoken to.
300
00:21:51,386 --> 00:21:54,116
You wouldn't spike me. You're too mean.
301
00:21:54,222 --> 00:21:57,123
Besides, there's nothing
invented I couldn't take.
302
00:21:57,225 --> 00:22:02,060
If I medicined you, you'd think a
brain tumor was a birthday present.
303
00:22:03,898 --> 00:22:06,992
I could take double anything you could.
304
00:22:08,903 --> 00:22:12,304
Very, very foolish words, man.
305
00:22:12,407 --> 00:22:14,807
He's right, Withnail. Look at him.
306
00:22:14,909 --> 00:22:17,810
His mechanism's gone. He's had more
drugs than you've had hot dinners.
307
00:22:17,912 --> 00:22:20,346
I'm not having this
shag sack insulting me.
308
00:22:20,448 --> 00:22:22,643
Let him get his drugs out.
309
00:22:22,750 --> 00:22:26,618
This doll is extremely dangerous.
310
00:22:28,456 --> 00:22:32,392
It has voodoo qualities.
311
00:22:41,436 --> 00:22:47,102
Trade, "Phenodihydrochrolide benzorex. "
312
00:22:47,208 --> 00:22:50,507
Street, "the embalmer. "
313
00:22:50,611 --> 00:22:52,841
Balls! I'll swallow it and run a mile.
314
00:22:52,947 --> 00:22:57,646
Cool your boots, man. This
pill's valued at two quid.
315
00:22:57,752 --> 00:23:00,653
- Two quid? You're out of your mind.
- That's sense, Withnail.
316
00:23:00,755 --> 00:23:04,282
You can stuff it up your arse for nothing
and fuck off while you're doing it!
317
00:23:06,794 --> 00:23:11,288
No need to insult me,
man. I was leaving anyway.
318
00:23:14,635 --> 00:23:17,798
Have either of you got shoes?
319
00:23:43,331 --> 00:23:45,799
Monty's car.
320
00:23:54,342 --> 00:23:57,334
Oh, hello! Come in.
321
00:24:05,420 --> 00:24:09,117
Sit down, do. Would you like a drink?
322
00:24:09,223 --> 00:24:11,316
- Sherry.
- Sherry.
323
00:24:14,429 --> 00:24:16,329
- Sherry?
- Sherry.
324
00:24:16,431 --> 00:24:18,331
Sherry.
325
00:24:22,370 --> 00:24:24,930
Do you like vegetables?
326
00:24:25,039 --> 00:24:27,769
I've always been fond of root crops,
327
00:24:27,875 --> 00:24:30,400
but I only started to grow last summer.
328
00:24:30,511 --> 00:24:34,106
I happen to think the cauliflower
more beautiful than the rose.
329
00:24:34,215 --> 00:24:36,115
Chin-chin.
330
00:24:36,217 --> 00:24:38,617
- Do you grow?
- Geraniums.
331
00:24:38,719 --> 00:24:40,812
Little traitors.
332
00:24:40,922 --> 00:24:44,153
I think the carrot infinitely
more fascinating than the geranium.
333
00:24:44,258 --> 00:24:47,716
Mmm. The carrot has mystery.
334
00:24:47,829 --> 00:24:50,855
Flowers are essentially tarts,
335
00:24:50,965 --> 00:24:53,991
prostitutes for the bees.
336
00:24:55,403 --> 00:24:58,463
There is, you will agree,
a certain "je ne sai quoi,"
337
00:24:58,573 --> 00:25:02,236
something very special
about a firm, young carrot.
338
00:25:02,343 --> 00:25:04,470
Hmm, excuse me.
339
00:25:04,579 --> 00:25:08,140
Do help yourselves to another drink.
340
00:25:08,249 --> 00:25:10,717
What's all this? The man's mad.
341
00:25:10,818 --> 00:25:13,378
- Eccentric.
- Eccentric? He's insane!
342
00:25:13,488 --> 00:25:16,082
Not only that, he's a raving homosexual.
343
00:25:18,192 --> 00:25:20,456
You beastly little
parasite! How dare you?
344
00:25:20,561 --> 00:25:23,325
You little thug! How dare you!
345
00:25:25,967 --> 00:25:28,527
Beastly, ungrateful little swine!
346
00:25:28,636 --> 00:25:32,367
- Shall I get you a drink?
- Yes, yes, yes, please, dear boy.
347
00:25:32,473 --> 00:25:35,033
You can prepare me a small
rhesus-negative Bloody Mary.
348
00:25:35,143 --> 00:25:39,273
You must tell me all the news. I haven't
seen you since you finished your last show.
349
00:25:39,380 --> 00:25:42,178
Rather busy, Uncle. TV and stuff.
350
00:25:42,283 --> 00:25:45,582
My agent's attempting to edge me
towards Royal Shakespeare Company again.
351
00:25:45,686 --> 00:25:49,588
- Oh, splendid.
- And he's just had an audition for rep.
352
00:25:49,690 --> 00:25:52,853
Oh, splendid! So you're a Thespian too?
353
00:25:56,297 --> 00:25:58,288
Monty used to act.
354
00:25:58,399 --> 00:26:00,299
One hardly says that.
355
00:26:00,401 --> 00:26:03,962
I cracked the boards in my youth,
but I never really had it in my blood.
356
00:26:04,071 --> 00:26:06,631
And that's what's so
essential, isn't it?
357
00:26:06,741 --> 00:26:09,175
The theatrical zeal in the veins.
358
00:26:09,277 --> 00:26:13,338
Alas, I have little more than
vintage wine and memories.
359
00:26:17,652 --> 00:26:21,383
It is the most shattering
experience of a young man's life...
360
00:26:21,489 --> 00:26:25,391
when one morning he awakes and
quite reasonably says to himself,
361
00:26:25,493 --> 00:26:30,954
"I will never play the Dane. "
362
00:26:31,065 --> 00:26:34,228
When that moment comes,
363
00:26:34,335 --> 00:26:37,793
one's ambition ceases.
364
00:26:40,174 --> 00:26:42,665
Don't you agree?
365
00:26:42,777 --> 00:26:46,577
- It's a part I intend to play, Uncle.
- And you'll be marvelous.
366
00:26:46,681 --> 00:26:48,979
Marvelous.
367
00:26:50,384 --> 00:26:52,944
"It's gone.
368
00:26:53,054 --> 00:26:56,251
"We do it wrong, being so ma'jestical...
369
00:26:56,357 --> 00:26:59,087
to offer it the show of violence. "
370
00:26:59,193 --> 00:27:02,287
Let's go. He's a madman.
371
00:27:02,396 --> 00:27:05,160
Any minute now, he's gonna rush
out and get into his tights.
372
00:27:05,266 --> 00:27:09,100
- Okay, okay. Any minute.
- The house or out.
373
00:27:11,038 --> 00:27:13,233
Could I have a word with you, Monty?
374
00:27:13,341 --> 00:27:16,276
Oh, forgive me, dear boy. Forgive me.
375
00:27:16,377 --> 00:27:19,437
I was allowing memory
to have the better of me.
376
00:27:19,547 --> 00:27:22,448
Shall I get you a topper?
377
00:27:31,392 --> 00:27:34,953
Indeed, I remember my first agent.
378
00:27:35,062 --> 00:27:37,189
Raymond Duck.
379
00:27:39,033 --> 00:27:42,025
He was a dreadful little Israelite.
380
00:27:42,136 --> 00:27:45,105
Four floors up on the
Charing Cross Road,
381
00:27:45,206 --> 00:27:48,004
and never a job at the top of them.
382
00:27:49,844 --> 00:27:52,642
I'm told you're a writer too.
383
00:27:54,582 --> 00:27:57,073
Do you write poems?
384
00:27:57,184 --> 00:28:01,143
No. I wish I could. It's
just thoughts, really.
385
00:28:02,857 --> 00:28:05,325
- Are you published?
- Oh, no.
386
00:28:05,426 --> 00:28:07,656
Where did you school?
387
00:28:07,762 --> 00:28:10,390
He went to the other place, Monty.
388
00:28:10,498 --> 00:28:13,729
Oh, you went to Eton?
389
00:28:13,834 --> 00:28:16,530
Get that damned little
swine out of here!
390
00:28:18,639 --> 00:28:22,439
It's trying to get itself in with you.
It's trying for even more advantage.
391
00:28:22,543 --> 00:28:24,704
It's obsessed with its gut. It's
like a bloody rugby ball now.
392
00:28:24,812 --> 00:28:28,111
- It will die! It will die!
- Monty. Monty.
393
00:28:28,215 --> 00:28:31,013
No, no, dear boy. You must leave.
394
00:28:31,118 --> 00:28:33,484
Yet again, that oaf
has destroyed my day.
395
00:28:33,587 --> 00:28:36,613
Listen, Monty. Could I just have
a quick word with you? In private?
396
00:28:36,724 --> 00:28:38,885
Oh... very well.
397
00:28:50,371 --> 00:28:53,363
- Good night, my dears.
- Good night, Monty.
398
00:28:53,474 --> 00:28:56,932
What's all this going off in private
business? Why did you tell him I went to Eton?
399
00:28:57,044 --> 00:28:59,877
Because it wouldn't
have helped if I hadn't.
400
00:28:59,980 --> 00:29:03,211
I'm just trying to establish you in
some sort of context he'd understand.
401
00:29:03,317 --> 00:29:07,014
- What do you mean by that?
- I mean, free to those who can afford it.
402
00:29:07,121 --> 00:29:09,885
Very expensive to those that can't.
403
00:29:17,598 --> 00:29:21,193
"All Along the Watchtower"]
404
00:29:54,135 --> 00:29:58,299
- Scrubbers!
- Up yours, Granddad!
405
00:29:58,406 --> 00:30:01,933
- Scrubbers! Scrubbers!
- Shut up!
406
00:30:02,042 --> 00:30:05,239
Little tarts. They love it.
407
00:30:05,346 --> 00:30:08,338
I'm trying to drive this
thing as quietly as possible.
408
00:30:08,449 --> 00:30:12,215
If you don't shut up, we'll
get stopped by the police.
409
00:30:12,319 --> 00:30:15,482
- Give me the bottle.
- Look at that. Look at that.
410
00:30:15,589 --> 00:30:18,820
"Accident black spot. "
These aren't accidents!
411
00:30:18,926 --> 00:30:22,418
They're throwing themselves
into the road! Gladly!
412
00:30:22,530 --> 00:30:26,728
Throwing themselves into the road
to escape all this hideousness!
413
00:30:26,834 --> 00:30:29,701
Throw yourself into the road, darling!
414
00:30:29,804 --> 00:30:32,364
You haven't got a chance!
415
00:31:09,477 --> 00:31:13,106
At some point or another, I want
to stop and get hold of a child.
416
00:31:13,214 --> 00:31:15,114
What do you want a child for?
417
00:31:15,216 --> 00:31:17,343
To tutor it in the
ways of righteousness...
418
00:31:17,451 --> 00:31:19,749
and procure some uncontaminated urine.
419
00:31:19,854 --> 00:31:24,188
This is a device enabling the drunken
driver to operate in absolute safety.
420
00:31:24,291 --> 00:31:29,194
You fill this with piss, take
this pipe down the trouser...
421
00:31:29,296 --> 00:31:33,460
and cellotape this valve
to the end of the old chap.
422
00:31:33,567 --> 00:31:37,435
Then you get horribly drunk,
and they can't fucking touch you.
423
00:31:37,538 --> 00:31:40,530
According to these instructions,
424
00:31:40,641 --> 00:31:43,701
you refuse everything
but a urine sample.
425
00:31:43,811 --> 00:31:46,541
You undo your valve...
426
00:31:46,647 --> 00:31:50,242
and give 'em a dose of
unadulterated child's piss,
427
00:31:50,351 --> 00:31:53,377
and they have to give
you your keys back.
428
00:31:53,487 --> 00:31:57,583
Danny's a genius. I'm gonna have a doze.
429
00:33:19,106 --> 00:33:21,700
- Are we there?
- No, we're not. We're here.
430
00:33:21,809 --> 00:33:25,142
We're in the middle of a fucking gale.
431
00:33:25,245 --> 00:33:27,805
You'll have to keep
a look out your side.
432
00:33:27,915 --> 00:33:30,748
If you see anything, tell
me. Get hold of that map.
433
00:33:30,851 --> 00:33:33,581
- Where's the whiskey?
- What for?
434
00:33:33,687 --> 00:33:36,247
I got a bastard behind the eyes.
435
00:33:36,357 --> 00:33:39,155
I can't take aspirins without a drink.
436
00:33:39,259 --> 00:33:42,160
- Where's the aspirins?
- Probably in the bathroom.
437
00:33:42,262 --> 00:33:45,959
We've come out here in the middle
of nowhere without aspirins?
438
00:33:46,066 --> 00:33:49,331
- Where are we?
- How should I know where we are?
439
00:33:49,436 --> 00:33:52,837
I feel like a pig shat in my head.
440
00:33:52,940 --> 00:33:56,501
Get hold of that map and look
for a place called Crow Crag.
441
00:34:13,627 --> 00:34:17,461
There must and shall be aspirin.
442
00:34:18,766 --> 00:34:21,826
Give me the keys. Get out of the way.
443
00:34:21,935 --> 00:34:25,632
If I don't get aspirin, I shall die...
444
00:34:25,739 --> 00:34:29,641
here on this fucking mountainside!
445
00:34:44,992 --> 00:34:47,290
Christ Almighty!
446
00:35:21,895 --> 00:35:24,125
Monty.
447
00:35:41,048 --> 00:35:45,917
- What are you doing?
- Sitting down to enjoy my holiday.
448
00:35:48,756 --> 00:35:52,055
Right. Now, we're gonna have
to approach this scientifically.
449
00:35:52,159 --> 00:35:54,957
First thing we've got to
do is get this fire alight.
450
00:35:55,062 --> 00:35:57,292
Then we split into two
fact-finding groups.
451
00:35:57,397 --> 00:35:59,831
I'll deal with the
water and other plumbing.
452
00:35:59,933 --> 00:36:02,595
You can check the fuel
and wood situation.
453
00:36:06,740 --> 00:36:09,641
- What's that?
- The fuel and wood situation.
454
00:36:09,743 --> 00:36:12,735
There's nothing out
there except a hurricane.
455
00:36:16,750 --> 00:36:19,878
- This place is uninhabitable.
- Give it a chance. It's got to warm up.
456
00:36:19,987 --> 00:36:23,081
Warm up? We may as well
sit around a cigarette.
457
00:36:23,190 --> 00:36:25,750
This is ridiculous.
458
00:36:25,859 --> 00:36:29,192
We'll be found dead in here next spring.
459
00:36:30,430 --> 00:36:33,194
I've got a blinding fucking headache.
460
00:36:33,300 --> 00:36:35,860
We must have heat.
461
00:36:39,106 --> 00:36:41,336
We've got to keep this bastard burning.
462
00:36:41,441 --> 00:36:44,103
Well, we've got enough
furniture for tonight.
463
00:36:44,211 --> 00:36:47,112
Tomorrow we'll go down
that farm and get some logs.
464
00:36:47,214 --> 00:36:51,412
Mistake, I'm telling you.
This was a dreadful mistake.
465
00:39:02,449 --> 00:39:05,009
- Who's there?
- Me.
466
00:39:08,455 --> 00:39:10,355
What do you want?
467
00:39:10,457 --> 00:39:13,688
I'm a friend of Montague
Withnail's. He's lent us his cottage.
468
00:39:13,794 --> 00:39:18,254
I wondered if you could sell
us some food... eggs and things.
469
00:39:18,365 --> 00:39:20,925
Hmm?
470
00:39:23,070 --> 00:39:26,597
What about wood and coal?
471
00:39:26,707 --> 00:39:29,676
I'm not from London, you know.
472
00:39:29,776 --> 00:39:33,041
I don't care where you come from!
473
00:39:33,146 --> 00:39:36,013
Not the attitude I'd
been given to expect...
474
00:39:36,116 --> 00:39:38,346
from the H.E. Bates novel I'd read.
475
00:39:38,452 --> 00:39:43,185
I thought they'd all be out the back,
drinking cider, discussing butter.
476
00:39:43,290 --> 00:39:45,190
Clearly a myth.
477
00:39:45,292 --> 00:39:49,388
Evidently, country people are no more
receptive to strangers than city dwellers.
478
00:39:52,466 --> 00:39:56,368
Do you think you could tell me
where I could buy some coal and wood?
479
00:39:56,470 --> 00:39:59,598
You'll have to see me
son. He runs this farm.
480
00:39:59,706 --> 00:40:02,698
- Where is your son?
- Up in top fields.
481
00:40:02,809 --> 00:40:06,905
You can't miss him. His
leg's bound in polythene.
482
00:40:31,371 --> 00:40:34,772
Wake up, you bastard! Wake up!
483
00:40:36,410 --> 00:40:39,743
Wake up, you bastard!
You gotta get wood.
484
00:40:41,681 --> 00:40:43,911
Jesus! You're covered in shit.
485
00:40:44,017 --> 00:40:45,917
I tried to get the fuel and wood.
486
00:40:46,019 --> 00:40:48,920
There's a miserable little
pensioner down there.
487
00:40:49,022 --> 00:40:51,752
- She wouldn't give it to me.
- Where are we gonna get it, then?
488
00:40:51,858 --> 00:40:54,156
There's a man on the mountain.
489
00:40:54,261 --> 00:40:57,788
Why he's up there fuck knows.
490
00:40:57,898 --> 00:41:00,628
But he's up there with
a leg in polythene.
491
00:41:00,734 --> 00:41:03,134
You can't miss him. He's your man.
492
00:41:03,236 --> 00:41:05,932
And have another look in
that shed. Find anything.
493
00:41:06,039 --> 00:41:08,940
If you can't find
anything, bring in the shed.
494
00:41:13,380 --> 00:41:16,508
How come Monty owns such
a horrible little shack?
495
00:41:16,616 --> 00:41:18,550
No idea.
496
00:41:18,652 --> 00:41:21,212
You never discuss your family, do you?
497
00:41:21,321 --> 00:41:24,119
I fail to see my family
as of any interest to you.
498
00:41:24,224 --> 00:41:26,784
I have absolutely no interest in yours.
499
00:41:26,893 --> 00:41:30,522
I dislike relatives in
general, my own in particular.
500
00:41:30,630 --> 00:41:33,963
- Why?
- Because... I've told you why.
501
00:41:34,067 --> 00:41:38,026
We're incompatible. They
don't like me being on stage.
502
00:41:38,138 --> 00:41:40,800
Then they must be
delighted with your career.
503
00:41:40,907 --> 00:41:43,569
- What do you mean?
- You rarely are.
504
00:41:43,677 --> 00:41:45,872
You just wait! Just you wait!
505
00:41:45,979 --> 00:41:49,039
When I strike, they
won't know what hit them.
506
00:41:49,149 --> 00:41:51,344
Tractor approaching.
507
00:41:51,451 --> 00:41:54,420
Now get after him. That's the man.
508
00:41:56,890 --> 00:42:00,155
- Hey, stop!
- Stop!
509
00:42:00,260 --> 00:42:02,228
Stop! Please!
510
00:42:02,329 --> 00:42:05,025
Stop, please! Please stop!
511
00:42:08,201 --> 00:42:10,897
Please stop!
512
00:42:11,004 --> 00:42:13,905
- Are you the farmer?
- Shut up! I'll deal with this!
513
00:42:14,007 --> 00:42:16,100
We've gone on holiday by mistake.
514
00:42:16,209 --> 00:42:18,575
We're in this cottage
here. Are you the farmer?
515
00:42:18,678 --> 00:42:21,738
Stop saying that, Withnail! Of
course he's the fucking farmer!
516
00:42:21,848 --> 00:42:24,976
We're friends of Montague Withnail.
517
00:42:25,085 --> 00:42:27,679
We desperately need fuel and wood.
518
00:42:27,787 --> 00:42:31,086
Montague Withnail. You must know him!
519
00:42:31,191 --> 00:42:33,352
Fat man, owns the cottage.
520
00:42:33,460 --> 00:42:36,361
I seen a fat man.
London type. Queer sort.
521
00:42:36,463 --> 00:42:38,693
Think his name's French, or summit.
522
00:42:38,798 --> 00:42:41,426
- French?
- Aye. Adriene De La Touche.
523
00:42:41,535 --> 00:42:44,095
He ain't been here
for a couple of years.
524
00:42:44,204 --> 00:42:47,503
- Last time I saw him he was with his son.
- Yeah, that's him.
525
00:42:47,607 --> 00:42:51,805
Listen, we're bona fide. We're not from
London. Could we have some fuel and wood?
526
00:42:51,912 --> 00:42:55,279
I could bring you some logs up later.
I've got the cows to feed first.
527
00:42:55,382 --> 00:42:57,816
- When?
- Shut up! That would be very kind.
528
00:42:57,918 --> 00:43:01,081
What about food? Do you think you
could sell us something to eat?
529
00:43:01,188 --> 00:43:04,157
I could bring you a chicken, but
you'll have to go to the village.
530
00:43:04,257 --> 00:43:06,316
- That would be very kind, Mr...
- Parkin.
531
00:43:06,426 --> 00:43:09,327
Mr. Parkin. What happened to your leg?
532
00:43:09,429 --> 00:43:12,762
Got a randy bull up there.
Give me one in the knee.
533
00:43:26,379 --> 00:43:29,246
You wanna go out back?
Get some spuds up?
534
00:43:29,349 --> 00:43:33,080
Sorry, I can't. My
boots are in the oven.
535
00:43:33,186 --> 00:43:35,916
- You'd go if you had boots?
536
00:43:36,022 --> 00:43:38,013
Gladly.
537
00:44:03,283 --> 00:44:05,774
- I've got one!
538
00:44:31,444 --> 00:44:34,675
- Great. How much do we owe you?
- Pay us when you come down.
539
00:44:34,781 --> 00:44:37,045
- What about this chicken?
- He's on the back.
540
00:44:47,627 --> 00:44:50,562
With. With.
541
00:44:50,664 --> 00:44:53,758
Parkin's been. There's our supper.
542
00:44:53,867 --> 00:44:56,665
- What are we supposed to do with that?
- Eat it.
543
00:44:56,770 --> 00:44:58,704
Eat it? The fucker's alive.
544
00:44:58,805 --> 00:45:00,705
- Yeah, I know that. You've gotta kill it.
- Me?
545
00:45:00,807 --> 00:45:04,834
- I'm fire lighter and fuel collector.
- Yeah, I know that, but I got the logs in.
546
00:45:09,349 --> 00:45:12,045
It takes away your
appetite looking at it.
547
00:45:12,152 --> 00:45:14,643
No, it doesn't. I'm starving.
548
00:45:14,754 --> 00:45:17,882
- How can we make it die?
- You have to throttle them.
549
00:45:17,991 --> 00:45:22,621
I think you should strangle it instantly,
in case it starts to make friends with us.
550
00:45:22,729 --> 00:45:26,495
All right, get hold of it. You
hold it down. I'll strangle it.
551
00:45:26,599 --> 00:45:30,660
I can't. Those dreadful,
beady eyes. They stare you out.
552
00:45:30,770 --> 00:45:34,638
It's a bloody chicken! Just think
of it with bacon across its back.
553
00:45:34,741 --> 00:45:37,266
All right, I'll deal with this.
554
00:45:37,377 --> 00:45:39,937
You'll have to get its guts out.
555
00:45:47,320 --> 00:45:50,448
Never point guns at people!
It's extremely dangerous.
556
00:45:50,557 --> 00:45:53,390
What about this roasting dish?
What are we gonna cook it in?
557
00:45:53,493 --> 00:45:57,224
You're the food and plumbings man. I have
no idea. I wish I'd found this an hour ago.
558
00:45:57,330 --> 00:46:00,094
I'd have taken great pleasure
in gunning this pullet down.
559
00:46:03,536 --> 00:46:06,562
- Shouldn't it be more bald than that?
- No, it shouldn't.
560
00:46:06,673 --> 00:46:11,269
Right. We're gonna have
to reverse the roles.
561
00:46:11,378 --> 00:46:15,576
We can bake the potatoes in the oven...
562
00:46:15,682 --> 00:46:18,378
and we can boil this
bastard over the fire.
563
00:46:18,485 --> 00:46:21,249
- Let's get its feet off.
- No.
564
00:46:21,354 --> 00:46:23,845
It's gonna need its feet.
565
00:46:39,038 --> 00:46:41,768
It can stand with its legs
on either side of that.
566
00:46:49,249 --> 00:46:52,514
I've already put two shilling pieces in.
567
00:46:52,619 --> 00:46:55,383
No, I haven't got another.
568
00:46:55,488 --> 00:46:58,787
It's not my fault if
the system doesn't work.
569
00:47:01,194 --> 00:47:03,560
The bitch hung up on me.
570
00:47:17,944 --> 00:47:20,913
Hello? How are you?
571
00:47:21,014 --> 00:47:23,676
Very well.
572
00:47:23,783 --> 00:47:28,152
A what? Why wouldn't they see me?
573
00:47:28,254 --> 00:47:30,620
This is ridiculous.
574
00:47:30,723 --> 00:47:33,419
I haven't been up for
a job in three months!
575
00:47:33,526 --> 00:47:37,018
Understudy Constantine? I'm not
going to understudy Constantine.
576
00:47:37,130 --> 00:47:39,360
Why can't I play the part?
577
00:47:39,466 --> 00:47:41,696
This is ridiculous.
578
00:47:41,801 --> 00:47:44,668
No, I'm not in London. Penrith.
579
00:47:44,771 --> 00:47:46,898
Penrith!
580
00:47:47,006 --> 00:47:49,031
Well, what about TV?
581
00:47:50,276 --> 00:47:53,040
Listen, I pay you ten
percent to do that.
582
00:47:53,146 --> 00:47:56,707
Well, lick ten percent
of the asses for me, then!
583
00:47:56,816 --> 00:47:59,546
Hello? Hello? Hello?
584
00:47:59,652 --> 00:48:04,214
Hello? How dare you? Fuck you!
585
00:48:06,726 --> 00:48:11,527
The bastard asked me to understudy
Constantine in The Seagull.
586
00:48:13,867 --> 00:48:17,997
I don't want to understudy anybody,
especially that little pimp.
587
00:48:19,506 --> 00:48:22,100
Anyway, I loathe those Russian plays.
588
00:48:22,208 --> 00:48:25,109
Always full of women
staring out of windows,
589
00:48:25,211 --> 00:48:27,270
whining about ducks going to Moscow.
590
00:48:37,991 --> 00:48:40,619
What do you think of Desmond Wolfe?
591
00:48:40,727 --> 00:48:43,855
- In respect of what?
- I'm thinking of changing my name.
592
00:48:43,963 --> 00:48:47,126
It's too like Donald Wolfit.
593
00:48:47,233 --> 00:48:49,258
Changeover point.
594
00:48:53,873 --> 00:48:56,433
- Think he's happier than us?
- No.
595
00:49:01,614 --> 00:49:03,741
I suppose happiness is relative.
596
00:49:03,850 --> 00:49:06,580
I never thought it would be a
polythene bag without a hole in it.
597
00:49:06,686 --> 00:49:09,814
- Hey!
- What's the matter with him?
598
00:49:09,923 --> 00:49:13,256
- Shut the gate!
- You didn't shut the gate!
599
00:49:13,359 --> 00:49:15,350
Stop that bull!
600
00:49:17,196 --> 00:49:19,494
Stop that bull!
601
00:49:22,802 --> 00:49:25,862
Grab its ring! Keep your bag up!
602
00:49:25,972 --> 00:49:28,338
Out-mind him.
603
00:49:28,441 --> 00:49:31,467
Hey, show no fear. Just run at it.
604
00:49:31,578 --> 00:49:33,910
That can't be sensible, can it?
The bastard's about to run at me!
605
00:49:34,013 --> 00:49:36,311
- Well, he's randy!
- Yes, I know he is!
606
00:49:36,416 --> 00:49:38,714
Wants to get down there and
have sex with those cows.
607
00:49:38,818 --> 00:49:40,945
Shut up!
608
00:49:41,054 --> 00:49:45,150
- Run at it, shouting!
- Do as he says, start shouting.
609
00:49:47,560 --> 00:49:51,223
- He won't gore you.
- A coward you are, Withnail!
610
00:49:51,331 --> 00:49:54,562
An expert on bulls you are not!
611
00:50:07,013 --> 00:50:08,913
Shut that gate and keep it shut!
612
00:50:11,818 --> 00:50:14,719
I think an evening at the Crow.
613
00:50:17,490 --> 00:50:21,324
If the Crow and Crown ever
had life, it was dead now.
614
00:50:21,427 --> 00:50:23,952
It was like walking into a lung,
615
00:50:24,063 --> 00:50:28,295
a sulfer-stained, nicotine
yellow and fly-blown lung.
616
00:50:28,401 --> 00:50:32,531
Its landlord was a retired alcoholic
with military pretensions...
617
00:50:32,639 --> 00:50:35,005
and a complexion like
the inside of a teapot.
618
00:50:36,009 --> 00:50:39,274
By the time the doors opened,
he was arse-holed on rum...
619
00:50:39,379 --> 00:50:41,506
and got progressively
more arse-holed...
620
00:50:41,614 --> 00:50:44,879
till he could take no more
621
00:50:47,820 --> 00:50:50,516
We'll have another
pair of large scotches.
622
00:51:08,174 --> 00:51:11,109
Thought I was going for a minute.
623
00:51:11,210 --> 00:51:13,201
No man's put me down yet.
624
00:51:13,312 --> 00:51:15,405
Have you had any training
in the martial arts?
625
00:51:15,515 --> 00:51:17,915
Yes, as a matter of fact, I have.
626
00:51:18,017 --> 00:51:20,884
Before I became a journalist,
I was in the Territorials.
627
00:51:20,987 --> 00:51:23,785
You know, when you first came in,
628
00:51:23,890 --> 00:51:26,859
I knew you were a services man.
629
00:51:26,959 --> 00:51:30,417
You could never, never disguise it.
630
00:51:33,032 --> 00:51:36,263
- What were you in?
- Tanks.
631
00:51:36,369 --> 00:51:39,634
Africa Corps. Little before your time.
632
00:51:39,739 --> 00:51:42,469
I don't suppose you've
engaged, have you?
633
00:51:42,575 --> 00:51:46,739
- Ireland.
- Ooh, crack at the Mick?
634
00:51:46,846 --> 00:51:49,781
We'll have another
pair of large scotches.
635
00:51:49,882 --> 00:51:52,442
These shall be my pleasure.
636
00:51:57,824 --> 00:51:59,792
What are you doing up here, then?
637
00:51:59,892 --> 00:52:01,860
We're doing a feature for Country Life.
638
00:52:01,961 --> 00:52:03,861
Survey of rural types.
639
00:52:03,963 --> 00:52:08,297
You know, farmers, traveling tinkers,
640
00:52:08,401 --> 00:52:10,767
milkmen, that sort of thing.
641
00:52:10,870 --> 00:52:12,770
Have you...
642
00:52:15,274 --> 00:52:17,401
Have you met Jake?
643
00:52:17,510 --> 00:52:20,070
Poacher. Works the lake.
644
00:52:20,179 --> 00:52:23,706
But, uh, keep it under your hat, hmm?
645
00:52:34,560 --> 00:52:36,653
What's all this army bollocks?
646
00:52:36,763 --> 00:52:39,391
We got a drink, didn't we?
647
00:52:42,135 --> 00:52:44,695
Time, gentlemen.
648
00:52:47,039 --> 00:52:49,030
I think he means it.
649
00:53:20,106 --> 00:53:23,200
- Go ask him if we can have one.
- What for?
650
00:53:23,309 --> 00:53:26,938
So we can eat it.
We're fed up with stew!
651
00:53:33,286 --> 00:53:36,278
Excuse me. Could we have an eel?
652
00:53:36,389 --> 00:53:39,984
- You've got eels down your leg.
- You leave them alone.
653
00:53:40,092 --> 00:53:43,926
Nothing down there of interest to you.
654
00:53:44,030 --> 00:53:46,794
Help us out, Raymond.
655
00:53:46,899 --> 00:53:51,063
These be fed from asshole to beak.
656
00:53:52,905 --> 00:53:56,932
How about one of those
pheasants? Go on, ask him.
657
00:53:58,711 --> 00:54:02,477
Excuse me. We were wondering if we
could purchase a pheasant off of you?
658
00:54:02,582 --> 00:54:04,914
No. I've got nothing to sell.
659
00:54:05,017 --> 00:54:07,986
Come on, old boy. What's in your hump?
660
00:54:08,087 --> 00:54:12,990
Now look, you. Them pheasants are for
his pot. These here are for my pot.
661
00:54:13,092 --> 00:54:16,027
Now what makes you think I should
give you something for your pot?
662
00:54:16,128 --> 00:54:18,892
- What pot?
- Our cooking pot.
663
00:54:18,998 --> 00:54:22,695
He knows. Hey, give us
a wheeze on that fag.
664
00:54:26,505 --> 00:54:29,941
I might come and see you lads in a
week. I might fetch you up a rabbit.
665
00:54:30,042 --> 00:54:32,806
We don't want a rabbit.
We want a pheasant.
666
00:54:32,912 --> 00:54:35,938
Listen, you young prat.
I ain't got no pheasants.
667
00:54:36,048 --> 00:54:38,573
I ain't got no birds,
no more than you have.
668
00:54:38,684 --> 00:54:41,812
Of course you have. You're the poacher.
669
00:54:41,921 --> 00:54:44,913
If I hear more words out of you,
670
00:54:45,024 --> 00:54:48,255
I'll put one of these
here black pods on you.
671
00:54:48,361 --> 00:54:51,421
- Don't threaten me with a dead fish.
- Half dead, he may be.
672
00:54:51,530 --> 00:54:55,193
But I'll come up after you, and
I'll wake you up with a live one.
673
00:54:55,301 --> 00:54:59,260
Sod your pheasants! You'll
have to find us first.
674
00:54:59,372 --> 00:55:02,205
I know where you are, at Crow Crag.
675
00:55:02,308 --> 00:55:04,401
I've been watching you.
676
00:55:04,510 --> 00:55:07,274
Especially you, prancing like a tit.
677
00:55:09,048 --> 00:55:11,846
You want working on, boy.
678
00:55:11,951 --> 00:55:15,751
If I see that silage heap
hanging about up here,
679
00:55:15,855 --> 00:55:19,086
I'll take the bastard axe to him!
680
00:55:19,191 --> 00:55:23,093
Bastards! You'll all suffer!
681
00:55:23,195 --> 00:55:25,663
I'll show the lot of you!
682
00:55:25,765 --> 00:55:29,201
I'm gonna be a star!
683
00:55:33,005 --> 00:55:35,098
Vegetables again.
684
00:55:35,174 --> 00:55:37,836
I'll be sprouting bloody feelers soon.
685
00:55:37,944 --> 00:55:40,811
Must be 20,000 sheep out
there on those volcanoes,
686
00:55:40,913 --> 00:55:43,507
and we got a plate full of carrots.
687
00:55:43,616 --> 00:55:46,983
- There's black puddings in it.
- Black puddings are no good to us.
688
00:55:47,086 --> 00:55:49,884
I want something's flesh!
689
00:56:01,467 --> 00:56:04,231
Look! Come here! Down here. Look.
690
00:56:04,337 --> 00:56:07,067
Under the rock. I can see it.
691
00:56:08,307 --> 00:56:11,003
See him? Look.
692
00:56:11,110 --> 00:56:13,340
He's over there. Look. Here.
693
00:56:13,446 --> 00:56:16,279
There's two of them here.
Look. Come on, come on.
694
00:56:16,382 --> 00:56:18,543
Where?
695
00:56:41,674 --> 00:56:44,871
I think I'll call myself Donald Twain.
696
00:56:45,978 --> 00:56:50,108
Stop. Get down.
697
00:56:51,684 --> 00:56:54,152
It's him. What does he want?
698
00:56:54,253 --> 00:56:57,620
- Go down there and ask him.
- Don't be a fool. He's got a gun.
699
00:56:57,723 --> 00:57:00,385
Bastard's psychotic. You've
only got to look at him.
700
00:57:10,703 --> 00:57:13,934
This place has become impossible.
701
00:57:14,040 --> 00:57:17,498
Perpetual rain, freezing cold.
702
00:57:17,610 --> 00:57:20,374
Now a bloody madman on the
prowl outside with eels.
703
00:57:20,479 --> 00:57:23,243
All right, you made your point.
704
00:57:23,349 --> 00:57:26,512
We pack up. We get out tomorrow.
705
00:57:26,619 --> 00:57:28,712
- What are you doing?
- I'm going for a slash.
706
00:57:28,821 --> 00:57:31,415
No, you're not. I can't get
my boots on when they're hot.
707
00:57:31,524 --> 00:57:34,254
- I'll go alone.
- You're not leaving me in here alone.
708
00:57:34,360 --> 00:57:37,921
- Those are the kind of windows faces look in at.
- Then I won't have a slash.
709
00:57:38,030 --> 00:57:40,260
And in both our interests, I think
we should sleep together tonight.
710
00:57:40,366 --> 00:57:43,426
Don't be ridiculous. He's not
gonna come up here in the dark.
711
00:57:43,536 --> 00:57:45,936
Of course he is. If
he catches one of us,
712
00:57:46,038 --> 00:57:48,768
he's got a better chance
of dealing with the other.
713
00:57:48,874 --> 00:57:51,468
No.
714
00:58:04,523 --> 00:58:07,890
What's the matter with you?
What are you laughing at?
715
00:58:07,993 --> 00:58:10,359
I was dreaming. What do you want?
716
00:58:10,463 --> 00:58:13,921
You frightened the piss out of
me. Move over. I'm getting in.
717
00:58:18,471 --> 00:58:21,963
Oh, this is ridiculous. I'll
have to sleep in your bed.
718
00:58:22,074 --> 00:58:24,474
- I'll have to come with you.
- Will you get out?
719
00:58:24,577 --> 00:58:27,341
- No.
- All right, then I will.
720
00:58:35,788 --> 00:58:38,689
All right, you can stay,
but the gun doesn't.
721
00:58:38,791 --> 00:58:41,487
No. I have to keep the gun.
I intend to remain awake.
722
00:58:41,594 --> 00:58:44,188
- This is my bed, and I demand precedence.
- No!
723
00:58:49,935 --> 00:58:53,166
Mad fucking bastard!
724
00:59:15,828 --> 00:59:18,797
Shhh! Shhh!
725
00:59:18,898 --> 00:59:22,026
- Listen.
- There is nothing! Get to bed!
726
00:59:22,134 --> 00:59:24,534
I heard a noise.
727
00:59:24,637 --> 00:59:26,537
I must get in.
728
00:59:28,340 --> 00:59:31,798
Oh, for fuck's sake.
729
00:59:31,911 --> 00:59:34,106
- What was that?
- That's it. That's it.
730
00:59:34,213 --> 00:59:36,807
- What is it?
- It's the killer.
731
00:59:36,916 --> 00:59:40,875
- It's probably foxes looking for grub.
- Listen. Listen.
732
00:59:40,986 --> 00:59:43,716
Maybe it's the farmer.
733
00:59:43,822 --> 00:59:47,656
At 2:00 in the morning? It's the killer.
734
00:59:47,760 --> 00:59:51,252
He's come to kill us.
What are we gonna do?
735
00:59:53,832 --> 00:59:56,767
He wants to come in.
He's trying to get in.
736
00:59:56,869 --> 00:59:59,861
He can't. He'll go away.
737
00:59:59,972 --> 01:00:02,065
He's going away.
738
01:00:07,446 --> 01:00:09,573
This is all your fault.
739
01:00:09,682 --> 01:00:12,651
You've even given him the fucking gun.
740
01:00:17,556 --> 01:00:20,753
He's coming through the
window. He's getting in.
741
01:00:20,859 --> 01:00:24,022
- Give me the matches.
- Downstairs.
742
01:00:25,698 --> 01:00:30,260
He's in. He's sharpening
a fucking knife.
743
01:00:32,471 --> 01:00:35,872
We'll have to tackle him. You stay
in bed, pretending to be asleep.
744
01:00:35,975 --> 01:00:38,876
He'll go for you. When he
does, I'll jump on his back.
745
01:00:38,978 --> 01:00:41,913
No, no, no. It'll be too
late. I'll be knifed by then.
746
01:00:42,014 --> 01:00:44,847
We'll have to try and
make friends with him.
747
01:00:50,889 --> 01:00:54,256
They're going into your
room. It's you he wants.
748
01:00:54,360 --> 01:00:57,523
Offer him yourself.
749
01:01:08,274 --> 01:01:11,607
We mean no harm!
750
01:01:11,710 --> 01:01:16,044
Oh, my boys! My boys! Forgive me!
751
01:01:16,148 --> 01:01:20,244
- Monty! Monty, Monty!
- Monty, you terrible cunt!
752
01:01:20,352 --> 01:01:23,583
Forgive me. It was inconsiderate
of me not to have telegrammed.
753
01:01:23,689 --> 01:01:26,681
What are you doing, prowling around
in the middle of the fucking night!
754
01:01:26,792 --> 01:01:30,728
I had a punctured tire. I had
to wait an eon for assistance.
755
01:01:30,829 --> 01:01:34,128
I'm sorry if I frightened you.
I should have knocked, but...
756
01:01:34,233 --> 01:01:38,226
- I- I-I'll sleep in the other
room, if I may. - Anywhere you like.
757
01:01:38,337 --> 01:01:41,829
Uh, yes, well. Uh... good night.
758
01:01:46,011 --> 01:01:49,174
Brrr! Ah, good morning.
Did you sleep well?
759
01:01:49,281 --> 01:01:51,181
Mm-hmm.
760
01:01:55,754 --> 01:01:59,121
Um, I-I-I do apologize
for last night.
761
01:01:59,224 --> 01:02:03,126
- It was perfectly inconsiderate of me.
- It's perfectly all right, Monty.
762
01:02:03,228 --> 01:02:06,061
- You've been busy in here?
- As a bee.
763
01:02:06,165 --> 01:02:10,101
- How did you repair the window?
- Oh, I didn't break it.
764
01:02:10,202 --> 01:02:14,866
Merely forced it a little.
Sorry if I frightened you.
765
01:02:14,973 --> 01:02:18,067
There was an empty wine
bottle on the ledge.
766
01:02:18,177 --> 01:02:21,305
Oh, tomatoes. Yes.
767
01:02:26,952 --> 01:02:30,410
Why don't you go and wake
him? Breakfast in 15 minutes.
768
01:02:30,522 --> 01:02:34,856
The old order changeth,
769
01:02:34,960 --> 01:02:38,452
yielding place to new.
770
01:02:38,564 --> 01:02:43,297
And God fulfills Himself in many ways.
771
01:02:43,402 --> 01:02:45,870
And soon...
772
01:02:46,972 --> 01:02:49,270
I suppose...
773
01:02:49,375 --> 01:02:51,468
I shall be swept away...
774
01:02:51,577 --> 01:02:54,876
by some vulgar little tumor.
775
01:02:56,348 --> 01:02:58,782
Oh, my boys.
776
01:02:58,884 --> 01:03:02,342
My boys, we're at the end of an age.
777
01:03:02,454 --> 01:03:05,753
We live in a land of
weather forecasts...
778
01:03:05,858 --> 01:03:08,759
and breakfasts that 'set in,'
779
01:03:08,861 --> 01:03:12,797
shat on by Tories, shoveled up by Labor.
780
01:03:12,898 --> 01:03:16,698
And here we are... we three...
781
01:03:16,802 --> 01:03:21,205
perhaps the last island
of beauty in the world.
782
01:03:24,309 --> 01:03:28,177
Now, which of you is going
to be a splendid fellow...
783
01:03:28,280 --> 01:03:31,272
and go down to the Rolls
for the rest of the wine?
784
01:03:31,383 --> 01:03:34,648
- I will.
- No, I'd better go. I wanna dig the car out anyway.
785
01:03:34,753 --> 01:03:38,519
- But we have my car, dear boy.
- Yes, but if it rains, we're buggered.
786
01:03:38,624 --> 01:03:40,956
- I mean...
- Stranded!
787
01:03:41,059 --> 01:03:44,551
- We'll leave the car till later. Leave this to me.
- I'll come. I fancy a walk.
788
01:03:44,663 --> 01:03:48,497
No, I hear you're a little wizard in the
kitchen. I shall need you, to work the joint.
789
01:03:48,600 --> 01:03:53,469
- Yeah, you're the cook.
- And... what on earth are those?
790
01:03:53,572 --> 01:03:55,904
- We forgot to bring our Wellingtons.
- Oh, but how dreadful.
791
01:03:56,008 --> 01:03:59,239
Do you mean you've been up here in all this
beastly mud and oomska without Wellingtons?
792
01:03:59,344 --> 01:04:02,142
Well, this afternoon I shall
take you both into Penrith...
793
01:04:02,247 --> 01:04:05,876
and get you fitted with some
good quality rubber boots.
794
01:04:09,488 --> 01:04:12,980
Garlic, rosemary and salt.
795
01:04:14,726 --> 01:04:17,718
I brought two of these in case either
of you was any good in the kitchen.
796
01:04:17,830 --> 01:04:21,095
- I'm not.
- Of course you are. Cooking is one of the natural instincts.
797
01:04:21,200 --> 01:04:24,931
Listen, Monty. This is
all very kind of you,
798
01:04:25,037 --> 01:04:27,505
but I really think I ought to be out
there getting work done on the car.
799
01:04:27,606 --> 01:04:30,200
You haven't time. We're
taking late luncheon at 3:00.
800
01:04:30,309 --> 01:04:33,369
- I'm afraid we have to leave by 3:00, Monty.
- Leave?
801
01:04:33,479 --> 01:04:36,346
Oh, didn't he tell you? We
have to get back to sign on.
802
01:04:36,448 --> 01:04:41,943
- Sign on? At the Labor Exchange?
- Yeah.
803
01:04:42,054 --> 01:04:46,423
It's sort of fashionable, actually.
All the actors do it. Even Redgrave.
804
01:04:48,093 --> 01:04:52,462
But surely you could forego
for just this one occasion.
805
01:04:52,564 --> 01:04:55,397
I've come a very long
way to see you both.
806
01:04:55,501 --> 01:05:00,438
Can't, actually. I mean, I'd love to stay,
but he's more adamant to get back than I am.
807
01:05:00,539 --> 01:05:03,667
Then we must choose our moment...
808
01:05:05,911 --> 01:05:09,176
and have a word with him.
809
01:05:11,783 --> 01:05:14,547
I'm sure together we could persuade him.
810
01:05:17,122 --> 01:05:20,614
There. Now, garlic,
811
01:05:20,726 --> 01:05:23,388
rosemary and salt.
812
01:05:23,495 --> 01:05:26,692
I can never touch
meat until it's cooked.
813
01:05:26,798 --> 01:05:30,063
As a youth, I used to
weep in butcher shops.
814
01:05:30,168 --> 01:05:33,331
- I can't find the rosemary.
- Ah.
815
01:05:35,407 --> 01:05:38,274
Can't find the rosemary.
816
01:05:39,945 --> 01:05:41,913
I'm sure we could find it together.
817
01:05:44,816 --> 01:05:47,910
- Perhaps it's in the other bag.
- Perhaps it is.
818
01:05:48,020 --> 01:05:49,920
Shall we look?
819
01:05:53,759 --> 01:05:56,284
Oh, sorry. Sherry's in there.
820
01:06:01,767 --> 01:06:04,827
What do you mean, "sorry"? What's
going on? What's he doing here?
821
01:06:04,937 --> 01:06:07,201
We can't stay. He won't leave me alone.
822
01:06:07,306 --> 01:06:09,706
All right. We'll get the lunch
done, and then we'll leave.
823
01:06:11,443 --> 01:06:15,004
I'm afraid we must drink from these.
824
01:06:20,085 --> 01:06:23,350
I trust their shapes will
not offend your palates.
825
01:06:23,455 --> 01:06:27,858
- Chin-chin. - To a delightful
weekend in the country.
826
01:06:52,384 --> 01:06:54,716
I do think you could have shaved.
827
01:06:54,820 --> 01:06:57,914
What on earth will people think
of me turning up with you two?
828
01:06:58,023 --> 01:07:00,321
You look like a pair of farm hands.
829
01:07:06,398 --> 01:07:08,298
Tsk!
830
01:07:08,400 --> 01:07:10,300
This is most embarrassing.
831
01:07:12,537 --> 01:07:15,005
Get away from the car.
832
01:07:15,107 --> 01:07:18,008
Buy the Wellingtons.
833
01:07:18,110 --> 01:07:21,511
I'm going to buy some
razors and shaving soap.
834
01:07:21,613 --> 01:07:24,377
I'll see you over there in half an hour.
835
01:07:24,483 --> 01:07:27,384
- Pair of blues.
- One each.
836
01:07:28,887 --> 01:07:31,355
- I think a drink, don't you?
- What about the Wellingtons?
837
01:07:31,456 --> 01:07:33,356
Oh, bollocks to the Wellingtons.
838
01:07:33,458 --> 01:07:36,359
We'll tell them they had a farmer's
conference and had a run on them.
839
01:07:45,837 --> 01:07:48,931
Okay. Yeah. Promise.
840
01:07:49,041 --> 01:07:51,407
Bye.
841
01:07:54,713 --> 01:07:59,673
No, hasn't heard a thing. Apparently,
they're still seeing people.
842
01:07:59,785 --> 01:08:02,777
You don't want to go to Manchester
anyway. Play a bloody soldier?
843
01:08:02,888 --> 01:08:05,220
Don't I? I damned well do.
844
01:08:05,323 --> 01:08:08,019
- It's a bloody good little theater.
- It's not much of a part, is it?
845
01:08:08,126 --> 01:08:10,094
Well, it's better than nothing.
846
01:08:10,195 --> 01:08:13,596
- They'll make you cut your hair.
- So what? You'd lose a leg.
847
01:08:13,699 --> 01:08:16,668
- Time gents, please.
- All right. We're gonna have to work quickly.
848
01:08:16,768 --> 01:08:20,431
A pair of quadruple whiskies and
another pair of pints, please.
849
01:08:24,609 --> 01:08:28,101
Where is he? I'm utterly assholed.
850
01:08:28,213 --> 01:08:30,113
We're early.
851
01:08:32,117 --> 01:08:34,915
We want to get in there, don't we?
852
01:08:35,020 --> 01:08:37,853
Eat some cake, soak up the booze.
853
01:08:49,134 --> 01:08:51,432
- All right here?
- What do you want?
854
01:08:51,536 --> 01:08:55,666
- Cake. All right here?
- Uh, no. We're closing in a minute.
855
01:08:55,774 --> 01:08:58,174
We're leaving in a minute.
856
01:09:03,315 --> 01:09:07,513
- We want cake and tea.
- Didn't you hear?
857
01:09:07,619 --> 01:09:10,884
She said she'd closed.
What do you want in here?
858
01:09:10,989 --> 01:09:14,516
Cake. What's it got to do with you?
859
01:09:14,626 --> 01:09:17,322
I happen to be the proprietor.
860
01:09:17,429 --> 01:09:19,863
Now, would you leave?
861
01:09:19,965 --> 01:09:23,162
Ah, I'm glad you're the proprietor.
862
01:09:23,268 --> 01:09:26,203
I was gonna have to have
a word with you anyway.
863
01:09:26,304 --> 01:09:28,738
We're working on a film up here.
864
01:09:28,840 --> 01:09:31,365
Location, see.
865
01:09:31,476 --> 01:09:34,138
We might want to do a film in here.
866
01:09:34,246 --> 01:09:38,876
- You're drunk.
- Just bring out the cakes. Cake and fine wine.
867
01:09:38,984 --> 01:09:42,317
- If you don't leave, we'll call the police.
- Balls!
868
01:09:42,420 --> 01:09:45,048
We want the finest wines
available to humanity.
869
01:09:45,157 --> 01:09:47,523
And we want them here,
and we want them now.
870
01:09:47,626 --> 01:09:49,992
Miss Blenehassitt, telephone the police.
871
01:09:50,095 --> 01:09:54,498
It's all right, Miss Blenehassitt.
872
01:09:54,599 --> 01:09:58,797
I'm warning you, if
you do, you're fired.
873
01:09:58,904 --> 01:10:01,395
We're multimillionaires.
874
01:10:01,506 --> 01:10:03,838
We shall buy this place
and fire you immediately.
875
01:10:03,942 --> 01:10:08,879
Yes, we'll buy this place, and we'll
install a fucking jukebox in here...
876
01:10:08,980 --> 01:10:12,507
and liven all of you stiffs up a bit.
877
01:10:12,617 --> 01:10:14,983
The police, Miss Blenehassitt.
878
01:10:15,086 --> 01:10:19,045
Just say there are a couple of drunks in the
Penrith Tea Rooms, and we want them removed.
879
01:10:19,157 --> 01:10:22,524
We are not drunks. We
are multimillionaires.
880
01:10:22,627 --> 01:10:26,028
Hurry up, Mabs. We'll keep
them here till they arrive.
881
01:10:26,131 --> 01:10:28,292
You won't keep us anywhere.
882
01:10:28,400 --> 01:10:30,527
We'll buy this place
and have it knocked down.
883
01:10:30,635 --> 01:10:32,933
- Right, right, right.
- Police, please.
884
01:10:33,038 --> 01:10:35,666
Right. We're going.
885
01:10:35,774 --> 01:10:38,766
Our car has arrived.
886
01:10:38,877 --> 01:10:41,402
We'll be back.
887
01:10:41,513 --> 01:10:45,506
We're coming back in here.
888
01:10:50,522 --> 01:10:53,184
- Where is he?
- Sulking up the hill.
889
01:10:53,291 --> 01:10:55,657
He says he won't come in
for lunch without an apology.
890
01:10:55,760 --> 01:10:58,160
Suits me. He can eat his fucking radish.
891
01:10:59,931 --> 01:11:01,831
It's all your fault.
892
01:11:01,933 --> 01:11:05,835
- You lead him astray.
- I beg your pardon, Monty.
893
01:11:05,937 --> 01:11:10,067
Don't tell me you're not aware of it.
I know what you're up to, and so do you.
894
01:11:10,175 --> 01:11:13,667
- Sherry?
- Sherry? Oh, dear, no, no, no.
895
01:11:13,778 --> 01:11:18,340
I'd be sucked into his trap. One
of us has got to stay on guard.
896
01:11:18,450 --> 01:11:21,613
He's so mauve. We don't
know what he's planning.
897
01:11:32,163 --> 01:11:35,394
I'm preparing myself to forgive you.
898
01:11:37,369 --> 01:11:40,304
I think you've been punished enough.
899
01:11:42,040 --> 01:11:45,407
I think we'd better release
you from the legumes...
900
01:11:45,510 --> 01:11:48,001
and transfer your talents to the meat.
901
01:11:55,487 --> 01:11:58,320
You shouldn't treat each other so badly.
902
01:11:58,423 --> 01:12:01,517
This boy's been out there
frozen to the marrow,
903
01:12:01,626 --> 01:12:04,026
and you just sit in here drinking.
904
01:12:04,129 --> 01:12:08,259
Come along. He's going to revitalize himself,
and you're going to finish the vegetables.
905
01:12:08,366 --> 01:12:10,800
- I don't know how to do them.
- Well, of course you don't.
906
01:12:10,902 --> 01:12:13,302
You are incapable of indulging
in anything but pleasure.
907
01:12:13,405 --> 01:12:16,340
Am I not right? You don't
deserve such loyalty.
908
01:12:16,441 --> 01:12:21,071
Now, come along. I'm going to
teach you how to peel a potato.
909
01:12:26,418 --> 01:12:29,649
Isn't it stimulating, getting back
to a basic sort of life for a while?
910
01:12:29,754 --> 01:12:32,518
- Yes.
- Surrounded by trees and nature,
911
01:12:32,624 --> 01:12:35,616
one feels a glorious
stirring of the senses...
912
01:12:35,727 --> 01:12:38,025
a rejection of poisonous inhibition...
913
01:12:38,129 --> 01:12:40,620
and a fecund motion of the soul.
914
01:12:40,732 --> 01:12:45,795
Except, of course, the problems tend
to take the edge off the pleasure.
915
01:12:45,904 --> 01:12:50,398
I mean, with no proper facilities.
916
01:12:50,508 --> 01:12:54,205
All the glorious trials
of youth, dear boy.
917
01:12:54,312 --> 01:12:59,978
When I was a lad, I'd rocket off on my tandem
with Wrigglesworth, and we'd just ride and ride.
918
01:13:00,085 --> 01:13:04,852
And at night we'd find
some barn and fall asleep,
919
01:13:04,956 --> 01:13:08,517
with the perfumes of
nature sighing on our skin.
920
01:13:08,626 --> 01:13:12,153
Would it be in bad form
to plagiarize a toast?
921
01:13:12,263 --> 01:13:15,096
It depends entirely on
the quality of the wine.
922
01:13:15,200 --> 01:13:18,465
In this instance, it
most certainly would not.
923
01:13:18,570 --> 01:13:23,132
In that case, to a delightful
weekend in the country.
924
01:13:23,241 --> 01:13:25,141
Oh, splendid!
925
01:13:29,014 --> 01:13:31,812
We expected a volley of
argument concerning Mr. Redgrave.
926
01:13:31,916 --> 01:13:35,579
- We're forgetting about Jake...
- Not another word.
927
01:13:35,687 --> 01:13:37,882
Not another word. Jake can wait too.
928
01:13:37,989 --> 01:13:41,447
Jake isn't a friend, Monty. I'd
hoped to avoid telling you this,
929
01:13:41,559 --> 01:13:44,323
but there's a psychotic on
the prowl outside this house.
930
01:13:44,429 --> 01:13:48,263
Ask him if I exaggerate. He's
threatened us, and he's dangerous.
931
01:13:48,366 --> 01:13:50,391
Is this true?
932
01:13:50,502 --> 01:13:53,562
Well, there's this
local type hanging about.
933
01:13:53,671 --> 01:13:58,131
A poacher. We got into a tiff, and
he threatened me with a dead fish.
934
01:13:58,243 --> 01:14:01,007
Yes, it was rather amusing, actually.
935
01:14:01,112 --> 01:14:04,309
When you came in, we thought it was him.
936
01:14:04,416 --> 01:14:08,512
And we thought that you
cleaning your boots...
937
01:14:08,620 --> 01:14:10,520
was him sharpening his knife.
938
01:14:13,324 --> 01:14:16,452
Oh, how delicious.
939
01:14:16,561 --> 01:14:20,088
Mmm, more meat?
940
01:14:20,198 --> 01:14:22,666
No, thank you. I'll go out for a walk.
941
01:14:22,767 --> 01:14:26,794
Oh, wait for us to finish,
dear boy. We'll all go.
942
01:14:29,240 --> 01:14:33,336
Listen, I know what you're
thinking, but I had no alternative.
943
01:14:33,445 --> 01:14:36,209
The old bugger's come a long way, and
I didn't want to put the wind up him.
944
01:14:36,314 --> 01:14:38,475
Your sensitivity overwhelms me.
945
01:14:38,583 --> 01:14:42,110
If you think you're gonna have a
weekend's indulgence at his expense,
946
01:14:42,220 --> 01:14:44,780
which means him having a
weekend's indulgence at my expense,
947
01:14:44,889 --> 01:14:47,119
- you've got another thing coming.
- I give you my word.
948
01:14:47,225 --> 01:14:49,989
- We'll leave first thing tomorrow morning.
- Tomorrow? What about tonight?
949
01:14:50,095 --> 01:14:52,495
- He's not gonna try anything.
- Of course he is!
950
01:14:52,597 --> 01:14:56,431
- He means business.
- Anyway, he sent me out to tell you coffee's ready.
951
01:14:56,534 --> 01:14:59,935
I couldn't drink it. I've got a
cramp in the mouth from grinning.
952
01:15:00,038 --> 01:15:02,506
- Well, stop smiling at him.
- I can't help it.
953
01:15:02,607 --> 01:15:05,701
I'm so uptight with
him, I can't stop myself.
954
01:15:07,879 --> 01:15:11,679
"Laisse-moir respirir,
955
01:15:11,749 --> 01:15:16,652
longtemps longtemps L
'odeur de tes cheveux. "
956
01:15:16,754 --> 01:15:19,917
Ah, Baudelaire.
957
01:15:20,024 --> 01:15:23,687
Brings back such memories of Oxford!
958
01:15:23,795 --> 01:15:25,786
Oh, Oxford!
959
01:15:25,897 --> 01:15:29,424
Followed by yet another anecdote
about his sensitive crimes...
960
01:15:29,534 --> 01:15:31,695
in a punt with a chap called Norman...
961
01:15:31,803 --> 01:15:33,703
who had red hair and a book of poetry...
962
01:15:33,805 --> 01:15:35,932
stained with the butter
drips from crumpets.
963
01:15:36,040 --> 01:15:39,134
I often wonder where Norman is now.
964
01:15:39,244 --> 01:15:41,542
Probably wintering with
his mother in Guildford.
965
01:15:41,646 --> 01:15:43,546
A cat and rain.
966
01:15:43,648 --> 01:15:45,548
Vim under the sink.
967
01:15:45,650 --> 01:15:48,676
And both bars on.
968
01:15:48,786 --> 01:15:51,687
But old now... old.
969
01:15:51,789 --> 01:15:54,451
There can be no true
beauty without decay.
970
01:15:54,559 --> 01:16:00,054
"A requiem for England. "
- How right you are. How right you are.
971
01:16:00,165 --> 01:16:03,657
We live in a kingdom of rains...
972
01:16:03,768 --> 01:16:07,568
where royalty comes in gangs.
973
01:16:07,672 --> 01:16:11,005
Come on, lads. Let's get home.
The sky is beginning to bruise.
974
01:16:11,109 --> 01:16:14,636
Night must fall, and we
shall be forced to camp.
975
01:16:16,281 --> 01:16:18,841
He's not in my room, all right?
That's the condition, all right?
976
01:16:18,950 --> 01:16:21,418
- All right.
- I want the room with the lock. Agree to that, or I'm off.
977
01:16:21,519 --> 01:16:23,419
All right. All right.
978
01:16:30,828 --> 01:16:34,764
Good ol'Jake, eh? I told you. He's back.
979
01:16:34,866 --> 01:16:37,767
And that's precisely the
reason I'm off to London.
980
01:16:37,869 --> 01:16:40,565
Let's all have a good
laugh, eh, Withnail?
981
01:16:40,672 --> 01:16:43,766
Good ol'Jake is back.
982
01:16:43,875 --> 01:16:46,309
He's going away. He's leaving.
983
01:16:46,411 --> 01:16:49,608
Come on. Let's pack up and get
out of here before it gets dark.
984
01:17:07,098 --> 01:17:10,829
"Here hare, here. "
985
01:17:11,936 --> 01:17:14,200
"Here hare, here. "
986
01:17:14,305 --> 01:17:16,205
Good ol'Jake.
987
01:17:25,550 --> 01:17:30,510
Ace bets. Ace bets two
and it's over to you.
988
01:17:30,588 --> 01:17:34,285
Your two and up two.
989
01:17:34,392 --> 01:17:36,292
- Mmm.
- So that's four?
990
01:17:36,394 --> 01:17:38,589
That's four.
991
01:17:40,531 --> 01:17:46,094
- Four.
- This is for the raise. We'll see the two.
992
01:17:46,204 --> 01:17:49,139
Now, last card up.
993
01:17:49,240 --> 01:17:51,265
"Looking a bit lonely, isn't he?"
994
01:17:51,376 --> 01:17:54,402
" He needs a queen to
come to the rescue. "
995
01:17:56,881 --> 01:17:59,611
And... oh!
996
01:18:02,587 --> 01:18:05,147
There she is.
997
01:18:05,256 --> 01:18:08,692
Oh!
998
01:18:12,930 --> 01:18:16,058
Well, it's the two queens to beat.
999
01:18:30,081 --> 01:18:32,276
Another hand?
1000
01:18:36,154 --> 01:18:39,123
I think we'd better get him to bed.
1001
01:18:39,223 --> 01:18:41,657
No, no. He's down here.
1002
01:18:44,028 --> 01:18:46,258
You're in my room, I'm in
his room and he's down here.
1003
01:18:46,364 --> 01:18:50,460
I wouldn't dream of depriving the dear fellow
of his bed, especially in that condition.
1004
01:18:50,568 --> 01:18:53,264
- But it's agreed. It's what he wants.
- No, I don't.
1005
01:18:53,371 --> 01:18:55,271
I wanna get to bed.
1006
01:18:56,841 --> 01:18:59,810
All right then, lovey.
Let's get you to bed.
1007
01:18:59,911 --> 01:19:02,345
Early night will do us both good.
1008
01:19:04,482 --> 01:19:08,578
- Night-night, then,
Monty. - I want to be alone!
1009
01:19:11,356 --> 01:19:13,256
I wanna be alone.
1010
01:19:35,713 --> 01:19:38,273
I think he'd better sleep alone tonight.
1011
01:19:40,418 --> 01:19:44,855
- He doesn't want to sleep with you.
- Right.
1012
01:19:44,956 --> 01:19:48,448
Well, you're in there,
1013
01:19:48,559 --> 01:19:51,027
and I'll take these
and I'll have the couch.
1014
01:19:52,530 --> 01:19:54,964
I'll say good night, then, Monty.
1015
01:19:55,066 --> 01:19:59,298
You already have... twice.
1016
01:20:27,899 --> 01:20:31,460
What is it, Monty? I'm terribly
tired. I need to go to sleep.
1017
01:20:31,569 --> 01:20:35,005
But not that tired, eh?
1018
01:20:40,144 --> 01:20:45,138
- Are you a sponge or a stone?
- What do you mean?
1019
01:20:45,249 --> 01:20:48,741
Do you like to experience
all facets of life?
1020
01:20:48,853 --> 01:20:52,345
Or do you shut yourself
off from new experience?
1021
01:20:52,457 --> 01:20:54,721
- I voted Conservative.
- Are you faithful?
1022
01:20:54,826 --> 01:20:58,262
- To whom?
- Faithfulness isn't selective.
1023
01:20:58,362 --> 01:21:02,298
I agree. It's more a question of
selecting to whom one will be faithful.
1024
01:21:02,400 --> 01:21:06,598
- Have you selected?
- I'm terribly tired.
1025
01:21:06,704 --> 01:21:10,640
I've been watching you all evening.
1026
01:21:10,741 --> 01:21:13,904
You've been avoiding
my eyes, haven't you?
1027
01:21:14,011 --> 01:21:16,411
- Your eyes?
- Mmm.
1028
01:21:16,514 --> 01:21:19,881
At luncheon, you couldn't
tear your gaze from mine.
1029
01:21:19,984 --> 01:21:22,544
This evening, you barely looked at me.
1030
01:21:22,653 --> 01:21:24,814
What did he say to you?
1031
01:21:24,922 --> 01:21:27,789
- Nothing.
- You can tell me.
1032
01:21:27,892 --> 01:21:30,520
I assure you, nothing, M-Monty.
1033
01:21:30,628 --> 01:21:34,530
I'm terribly tired. I need to go to bed.
1034
01:21:34,632 --> 01:21:37,567
Yes, you must, mustn't you?
1035
01:21:37,668 --> 01:21:40,296
Off you go, then.
1036
01:21:40,404 --> 01:21:42,497
I'll sleep here.
1037
01:21:42,607 --> 01:21:46,634
It won't be the first time
I've been left with the couch.
1038
01:22:03,554 --> 01:22:06,045
Boy.
1039
01:22:07,959 --> 01:22:10,757
Boy.
1040
01:22:10,861 --> 01:22:14,888
I know you're not asleep, boy.
1041
01:22:14,999 --> 01:22:18,833
But he is.
1042
01:22:18,936 --> 01:22:22,531
I've been into his room.
1043
01:22:22,640 --> 01:22:25,438
He won't hear a thing.
1044
01:22:28,412 --> 01:22:30,312
I know you're not asleep, boy.
1045
01:22:30,414 --> 01:22:33,577
No, I'm not. What is it, Monty?
1046
01:22:33,684 --> 01:22:37,643
What do you want?
1047
01:22:37,755 --> 01:22:41,589
I had to come. I tried not to.
1048
01:22:41,692 --> 01:22:44,320
Oh, how I tried not to.
1049
01:22:44,428 --> 01:22:46,726
Monty, there's something
I have to explain to you.
1050
01:22:46,831 --> 01:22:49,231
You needn't explain.
He's told me everything.
1051
01:22:49,333 --> 01:22:51,233
He told me that first
day you came to Chelsea.
1052
01:22:51,335 --> 01:22:55,863
- What's he told you?
- He told me about your arrest in the Tottenham Court Road.
1053
01:22:55,973 --> 01:22:58,441
He told me about your problems,
1054
01:22:58,542 --> 01:23:01,272
how you feel, your desires.
1055
01:23:01,379 --> 01:23:05,110
- Problems? What problems?
- You are a toilet trader.
1056
01:23:05,216 --> 01:23:07,844
- He told you that?
- You mustn't blame him.
1057
01:23:07,952 --> 01:23:12,116
You mustn't blame yourself. I know
how you feel and how difficult it is.
1058
01:23:12,223 --> 01:23:17,490
And that's why you mustn't hold back, let
it ruin your youth as I nearly did over Eric.
1059
01:23:17,595 --> 01:23:20,655
It's like a tide. Give in to it, boy.
1060
01:23:20,765 --> 01:23:25,168
Go with it. It's
society's crime, not ours.
1061
01:23:25,269 --> 01:23:28,397
- I'm not homosexual, Monty.
- Yes, you are!
1062
01:23:28,506 --> 01:23:32,237
Of course you are. You're simply
blackmailing your emotions...
1063
01:23:32,343 --> 01:23:35,005
to avoid the realities of
your relationship with him.
1064
01:23:35,112 --> 01:23:38,240
- What are you talking about?
- You love him.
1065
01:23:38,349 --> 01:23:40,749
And it isn't his fault
he cannot love you...
1066
01:23:40,851 --> 01:23:43,877
any more than it's
mine that I adore you.
1067
01:23:47,658 --> 01:23:50,821
Couldn't we allow ourselves just
this one moment of indiscretion?
1068
01:23:50,928 --> 01:23:52,828
- No!
- He need never know.
1069
01:23:52,930 --> 01:23:56,024
I don't care what he knows! Monty,
you've gotta go! You've gotta leave!
1070
01:23:56,133 --> 01:23:58,658
If you want to humiliate
me, humiliate me.
1071
01:23:58,769 --> 01:24:00,703
I adore you.
1072
01:24:00,805 --> 01:24:03,501
Tell him, if you must. I no longer care.
1073
01:24:03,607 --> 01:24:07,566
I mean to have you, even
if it must be burglary!
1074
01:24:09,413 --> 01:24:11,313
It's not me, it's him!
1075
01:24:17,355 --> 01:24:19,880
He lied to you. We're an affair.
1076
01:24:19,990 --> 01:24:22,720
We have been for years, but
he doesn't want you to know.
1077
01:24:22,827 --> 01:24:26,729
He doesn't want anybody to know. We're
both in it. We're obsessed with each other.
1078
01:24:26,831 --> 01:24:30,460
But he's ashamed. He refuses to
come out and accept what he is.
1079
01:24:30,568 --> 01:24:33,366
That's why he's rejecting
me while you're here.
1080
01:24:33,471 --> 01:24:38,238
On my life, Monty, this is the first night
we haven't slept together for six years.
1081
01:24:38,342 --> 01:24:40,367
I can't cheat on him. It would kill him.
1082
01:24:40,478 --> 01:24:43,914
But he told me you were in purgatory
because he couldn't love you.
1083
01:24:44,014 --> 01:24:47,006
He's lying. Lying!
1084
01:24:47,118 --> 01:24:51,384
Oh, my dear boy.
1085
01:24:51,489 --> 01:24:54,617
If I had known that, I would never
have attempted to come between you.
1086
01:24:54,725 --> 01:24:57,159
I know that, Monty.
1087
01:24:57,261 --> 01:24:59,729
I respect you for your sensitivity.
1088
01:24:59,830 --> 01:25:02,094
I thank you for it,
1089
01:25:02,199 --> 01:25:04,463
but you must leave.
1090
01:25:06,704 --> 01:25:09,832
Yes.
1091
01:25:09,940 --> 01:25:13,307
Yes. You'd better go to him.
1092
01:25:13,411 --> 01:25:15,606
Oh, I intend to.
1093
01:25:15,713 --> 01:25:17,840
This instant.
1094
01:25:18,282 --> 01:25:21,615
Withnail, you bastard. Wake up.
1095
01:25:21,685 --> 01:25:26,713
Wake up, you bastard, or I'll
burn this bastard bed down.
1096
01:25:26,824 --> 01:25:31,284
I deny all accusations.
What do you want?
1097
01:25:31,395 --> 01:25:33,625
I have just narrowly
avoided having a buggering.
1098
01:25:33,731 --> 01:25:36,700
I've come in here with the express
intention of wishing one on you.
1099
01:25:36,801 --> 01:25:39,361
Having said that, I now
intend to leave for London.
1100
01:25:39,470 --> 01:25:41,995
Hold on. Don't let your
imagination run away with you.
1101
01:25:42,106 --> 01:25:44,404
Imagination? I just finished
fighting a naked man.
1102
01:25:44,508 --> 01:25:46,976
How dare you tell him
I'm a toilet trader!
1103
01:25:47,077 --> 01:25:49,637
It was a tactical necessity.
1104
01:25:49,747 --> 01:25:52,580
If I hadn't told him you were active,
we'd never have got the cottage.
1105
01:25:52,683 --> 01:25:54,583
I never have wanted
it... not with him in it!
1106
01:25:54,685 --> 01:25:58,451
Geez. He'd come all this way.
1107
01:25:58,556 --> 01:26:02,856
- Monty? He'd go to New York.
- It was a calculated risk.
1108
01:26:02,960 --> 01:26:05,554
What is all this tactical
necessity and calculated risk?
1109
01:26:05,663 --> 01:26:08,359
This is me naked in a corner!
1110
01:26:08,466 --> 01:26:11,060
And how dare you tell him I love you.
1111
01:26:11,168 --> 01:26:14,001
And how dare you tell
him you rejected me.
1112
01:26:14,104 --> 01:26:17,039
- How dare you tell him that!
- Sorry about that.
1113
01:26:17,141 --> 01:26:20,508
Got a bit carried away. Sort
of said it without thinking.
1114
01:26:20,611 --> 01:26:24,138
Let me tell you something, Withnail. If
he comes into my room again, it's murder,
1115
01:26:24,248 --> 01:26:27,240
and you will be held responsible in law.
1116
01:26:33,190 --> 01:26:36,387
"Perhaps it is appropriate
justice for the eavesdropper...
1117
01:26:36,494 --> 01:26:39,861
"that he should leave as
his trade determines...
1118
01:26:39,964 --> 01:26:44,060
"in secrecy and in the dead of night.
1119
01:26:44,168 --> 01:26:47,865
- "I do sincerely hope that
you will find the happiness...
1120
01:26:47,972 --> 01:26:51,533
"which, alas, has
always been denied to me.
1121
01:26:53,477 --> 01:26:56,537
"I am yours ever faithfully,
1122
01:26:56,647 --> 01:26:58,547
Montague H. Withnail. "
1123
01:27:00,251 --> 01:27:02,685
Poor old bastard.
1124
01:27:02,786 --> 01:27:04,686
I would say...
1125
01:27:06,223 --> 01:27:10,319
that that represents
a degree of hypocrisy...
1126
01:27:10,427 --> 01:27:15,023
I've hitherto suspected in you but not
noticed, due to highly evasive skills.
1127
01:27:15,132 --> 01:27:19,091
Christ, Withnail.
You'll suffer for this.
1128
01:27:19,203 --> 01:27:21,637
What you have done will
have to be paid for.
1129
01:27:21,739 --> 01:27:23,707
I will say one thing for Monty.
1130
01:27:23,807 --> 01:27:26,002
He keeps a sensational cellar.
1131
01:27:35,819 --> 01:27:38,447
- Who's there?
- Telegram.
1132
01:28:02,446 --> 01:28:04,880
Well done.
1133
01:28:04,982 --> 01:28:08,884
Well, it doesn't mean to say I've got it.
They probably just want to see me again.
1134
01:28:11,855 --> 01:28:14,915
Well, that settles it, then.
We'll leave immediately.
1135
01:28:15,025 --> 01:28:17,789
What?
1136
01:28:17,895 --> 01:28:21,058
- Get your kit together. We're leaving in half an hour.
- Half an hour?
1137
01:28:21,165 --> 01:28:24,066
Don't be ridiculous. I need
at least an hour for lunch.
1138
01:28:32,843 --> 01:28:36,802
You've got a truck coming
up. About 200 yards.
1139
01:28:36,914 --> 01:28:40,509
Followed by a left slow hander.
1140
01:28:40,618 --> 01:28:43,451
This is insanity! I can't keep this up!
1141
01:28:43,554 --> 01:28:47,115
Stay in this lane.
Bear right. Bear right.
1142
01:28:47,224 --> 01:28:49,784
What lane? What lane? I
can't see the fucking lane.
1143
01:28:49,893 --> 01:28:52,327
Bear right! Bear right! Bear right!
1144
01:28:55,299 --> 01:28:59,702
That's it. Next garage, I've gotta
do something about that wiper.
1145
01:28:59,803 --> 01:29:03,534
And I've got to get some sleep.
1146
01:29:30,300 --> 01:29:33,701
- What's going on?
- I'm making time.
1147
01:29:47,751 --> 01:29:51,187
Are you out of your mind? Pull
over. You haven't got a license.
1148
01:29:51,288 --> 01:29:53,256
No. I'm making time.
1149
01:30:03,767 --> 01:30:06,167
- Where are we?
- We're approaching London.
1150
01:30:09,339 --> 01:30:13,605
- Here comes another fucker.
1151
01:30:21,719 --> 01:30:24,347
- Oh, no!
1152
01:30:24,455 --> 01:30:27,322
Perfectly all right. Leave him to me.
1153
01:30:27,424 --> 01:30:30,222
You're full of scotch, you silly tool.
1154
01:31:40,831 --> 01:31:44,289
A bit early in the morning
for festivities, isn't it?
1155
01:31:44,401 --> 01:31:46,699
These aren't mine. They belong to him.
1156
01:31:46,804 --> 01:31:50,604
- You're drunk.
- I assure you I'm not, officer.
1157
01:31:50,707 --> 01:31:53,972
Honestly, I've only had a few ales.
1158
01:31:54,077 --> 01:31:58,070
Out of the car... please.
1159
01:31:58,182 --> 01:32:00,082
Sir.
1160
01:32:07,124 --> 01:32:10,059
I want you to take one deep
breath and fill this bag.
1161
01:32:11,662 --> 01:32:15,359
- Are you refusing to fill this bag?
- I most certainly am.
1162
01:32:15,465 --> 01:32:18,696
- I'm placing you under arrest.
- Don't be ridiculous. I haven't done anything.
1163
01:32:18,802 --> 01:32:20,997
- Come on.
- Look here, my cousin's a QC.
1164
01:32:21,104 --> 01:32:23,004
Get in the back of the van!
1165
01:32:36,119 --> 01:32:38,519
Hey, sarge, what's that clown doing?
1166
01:33:14,324 --> 01:33:17,725
- Where's our checks?
- Didn't sign on.
1167
01:33:17,828 --> 01:33:21,059
That wouldn't make any difference
in last week's payments.
1168
01:33:49,326 --> 01:33:52,090
What are you doing in my bed?
1169
01:33:52,195 --> 01:33:56,689
- I've been asleep.
- Who is the huge spade in the bath?
1170
01:33:56,800 --> 01:33:59,200
Presuming Ed.
1171
01:33:59,303 --> 01:34:02,170
You've got ten minutes, right? I
want you out 'cause I want to get in.
1172
01:34:02,272 --> 01:34:04,900
Ten minutes, right? You
better be on your feet.
1173
01:34:08,278 --> 01:34:11,475
- How did you get in?
- Ingenuity, man.
1174
01:34:11,581 --> 01:34:13,845
Come up the drain pipe.
1175
01:34:13,951 --> 01:34:17,011
- Would you like a smoke?
- Yes.
1176
01:34:17,120 --> 01:34:19,554
No, thanks. I've got a call to make.
1177
01:34:24,061 --> 01:34:25,995
What are you gonna do with those?
1178
01:34:26,096 --> 01:34:30,430
The joint I'm about to
roll requires a craftsman.
1179
01:34:30,534 --> 01:34:33,025
It can utilize up to 12 skins.
1180
01:34:33,136 --> 01:34:36,105
It is called a Camberwell Carrot.
1181
01:34:36,206 --> 01:34:38,606
It's impossible to use
12 papers in one joint.
1182
01:34:38,709 --> 01:34:42,406
It's impossible to make a
Camberwell Carrot with anything less.
1183
01:34:42,512 --> 01:34:45,276
- Who says it's a Camberwell Carrot?
- I do.
1184
01:34:45,382 --> 01:34:49,182
I invented it in Camberwell,
and it looks like a carrot.
1185
01:34:49,286 --> 01:34:52,380
Do you realize this gaff's
overwhelmed with rodents?
1186
01:34:52,489 --> 01:34:55,049
When I come in, I seen one
the size of a fucking dog.
1187
01:34:55,158 --> 01:34:58,286
That is a dog. Belongs
to the fellow downstairs.
1188
01:34:58,395 --> 01:35:00,556
Does his dog get in the oven?
1189
01:35:00,664 --> 01:35:03,895
- No, his dog doesn't come up here.
- Then it was a rodent.
1190
01:35:04,001 --> 01:35:07,198
Opened the oven door, and it
was in there looking at me.
1191
01:35:07,304 --> 01:35:11,570
Quite freaked me at the
time. I was gonna cook onions.
1192
01:35:11,675 --> 01:35:13,870
- Are you going to bed now?
- No.
1193
01:35:13,977 --> 01:35:15,877
Phone.
1194
01:35:18,048 --> 01:35:21,040
- Who's he going to telephone?
- Squat Betty.
1195
01:35:22,519 --> 01:35:25,886
His agent. He's wasting his
time because he won't be in.
1196
01:35:49,913 --> 01:35:53,110
This'll tend to make you very high.
1197
01:35:56,353 --> 01:36:00,881
This grass is the most powerful
in the Western Hemisphere.
1198
01:36:00,991 --> 01:36:05,121
I have it specially flown
in from my man in Mexico.
1199
01:36:06,596 --> 01:36:08,894
He's an expert.
1200
01:36:08,999 --> 01:36:11,467
His name is Juan.
1201
01:36:11,568 --> 01:36:16,665
This grass grows at exactly
2,000 feet above sea level.
1202
01:36:18,909 --> 01:36:21,241
You got the part, man?
1203
01:36:25,782 --> 01:36:30,151
I got a different one. They
want me to play the lead.
1204
01:36:30,253 --> 01:36:34,087
- Congratulations.
- Where exactly have you two been?
1205
01:36:34,191 --> 01:36:38,355
- Holiday in the countryside.
- That's a very good idea.
1206
01:36:38,462 --> 01:36:41,454
London is a country
coming down from its trip.
1207
01:36:41,565 --> 01:36:45,763
We are 91 days from
the end of this decade,
1208
01:36:45,869 --> 01:36:48,997
and there's gonna be a lot of refugees.
1209
01:36:51,908 --> 01:36:56,208
They'll be goin' round this town
shoutin', "Bring out your dead. "
1210
01:36:58,482 --> 01:37:01,576
There was a geezer around here
the other day lookin' for you.
1211
01:37:01,685 --> 01:37:03,949
- What geezer?
- Some bald geezer.
1212
01:37:04,054 --> 01:37:08,388
Reckons you owe him 266 quid back rent.
1213
01:37:08,492 --> 01:37:13,486
I told him there's no question of payin'
rent on a property cut with rodents.
1214
01:37:13,597 --> 01:37:15,724
He takes exception to this.
1215
01:37:15,832 --> 01:37:18,323
Starts comin' on really bald with me.
1216
01:37:18,435 --> 01:37:21,802
- You mean ratty.
- I told him to piss off.
1217
01:37:21,905 --> 01:37:24,135
You bloody fool. We'll
end up in court again.
1218
01:37:24,241 --> 01:37:27,677
- No we won't. It ain't legal.
- I assume we can quote you.
1219
01:37:27,777 --> 01:37:31,440
The law rather appeals to me, actually.
1220
01:37:36,653 --> 01:37:39,645
Just high.
1221
01:37:41,458 --> 01:37:43,358
Stop laughing, Withnail.
This is serious.
1222
01:37:43,460 --> 01:37:47,294
No, it ain't. I looked
into it, studied the papers.
1223
01:37:47,397 --> 01:37:50,457
- What papers?
- Legal papers.
1224
01:37:50,567 --> 01:37:53,195
What papers, Danny?
1225
01:38:03,246 --> 01:38:06,477
He's got our checks. What
are you doing with these?
1226
01:38:06,583 --> 01:38:10,212
I was gonna cash 'em in for you.
1227
01:38:18,328 --> 01:38:22,321
For Christ's sake, Withnail, stop
laughing. This is a notice of eviction.
1228
01:38:29,439 --> 01:38:31,737
Will you stop laughing?
They wanna throw us out.
1229
01:38:34,044 --> 01:38:37,445
For God... Will you shut up, for
God's sake? You're giving me the fear.
1230
01:38:37,547 --> 01:38:39,606
Give me a downer, Danny.
My brain's capsizing.
1231
01:38:39,716 --> 01:38:41,843
- I've gone and fucked my brain!
- Change, man.
1232
01:38:41,952 --> 01:38:45,353
Find your neutral
space. You've got a rush.
1233
01:38:45,455 --> 01:38:48,618
It will pass. Be seated.
1234
01:38:55,498 --> 01:38:57,398
Aren't you getting absurdly high?
1235
01:38:57,500 --> 01:39:00,867
Precisely the reason I'm smokin' it.
1236
01:39:06,142 --> 01:39:08,167
I couldn't. I'm spaced.
1237
01:39:08,278 --> 01:39:10,303
Not as spaced as your rodents.
1238
01:39:10,413 --> 01:39:14,543
- Don't talk about them.
- I imagine they're talkin' to each other.
1239
01:39:16,953 --> 01:39:19,387
- What do you mean?
- I've dealt with 'em.
1240
01:39:19,489 --> 01:39:21,389
Dealt with 'em. What
the fuck do you mean?
1241
01:39:21,491 --> 01:39:25,154
Dosed 'em. I expect
they're dead down the drain.
1242
01:39:25,262 --> 01:39:28,231
Dead down the drain? What
have you done to them?
1243
01:39:28,331 --> 01:39:31,789
Given them all drugged onions.
1244
01:39:31,901 --> 01:39:34,734
Jesus Christ! Why have
you drugged their onions?
1245
01:39:34,838 --> 01:39:38,001
Sit down, man. Take control.
1246
01:39:38,108 --> 01:39:40,838
Give me a Valium. I'm getting the fear!
1247
01:39:40,944 --> 01:39:43,242
You have done something to your brain.
1248
01:39:43,346 --> 01:39:45,246
You have made it high.
1249
01:39:45,348 --> 01:39:50,285
If I lay ten mils of Diazepam on you,
you will do something else to your brain.
1250
01:39:50,387 --> 01:39:54,585
You will make it low. Why trust
one drug and not the other?
1251
01:39:54,691 --> 01:39:56,591
That's politics, isn't it?
1252
01:39:56,693 --> 01:39:58,593
I'm gonna eat some sugar.
1253
01:40:00,196 --> 01:40:02,926
I recommend you smoke some more grass.
1254
01:40:03,033 --> 01:40:05,661
No way. No fucking way.
1255
01:40:05,769 --> 01:40:09,068
That is an unfortunate
political decision,
1256
01:40:09,172 --> 01:40:11,572
reflectin' these times.
1257
01:40:18,748 --> 01:40:21,308
- What are you talking about, Danny?
- Politics, man.
1258
01:40:21,418 --> 01:40:23,943
If you were hanging
on to a rising balloon,
1259
01:40:24,054 --> 01:40:26,716
you're presented with
a difficult decision...
1260
01:40:26,823 --> 01:40:29,189
let go before it's too late?
1261
01:40:29,292 --> 01:40:31,283
Or hang on and keep getting higher?
1262
01:40:31,394 --> 01:40:36,024
Posing the question, how long
can you keep a grip on the rope?
1263
01:40:37,967 --> 01:40:40,663
They're sellin' hippie
wigs in Woolworth's, man.
1264
01:40:42,205 --> 01:40:46,369
The greatest decade in the
history of mankind is over.
1265
01:40:48,244 --> 01:40:52,271
And as Presuming Ed here has
so consistently pointed out...
1266
01:40:53,383 --> 01:40:56,580
we have failed to paint it black.
1267
01:41:46,636 --> 01:41:49,696
My Dad'll pick up the boxes in a week.
1268
01:41:49,806 --> 01:41:52,070
And he's gonna do
something about the car.
1269
01:41:54,177 --> 01:41:56,168
- I'm off now.
- Already?
1270
01:41:56,279 --> 01:41:58,804
But I've got us a bottle open.
1271
01:42:00,550 --> 01:42:02,916
I confiscated it from Monty's supplies.
1272
01:42:04,087 --> 01:42:07,215
'53 Margaux. Best of the century.
1273
01:42:08,491 --> 01:42:10,789
I'm sure he wouldn't
resent us a parting drink.
1274
01:42:10,894 --> 01:42:14,057
I can't, Withnail. I've gotta
walk to the station. I'll be late.
1275
01:42:14,164 --> 01:42:17,292
- There's always time for a drink.
- No.
1276
01:42:17,400 --> 01:42:19,732
I don't have the time.
1277
01:42:19,836 --> 01:42:23,499
All right. I'll walk
with you through the park.
1278
01:42:25,508 --> 01:42:27,908
We can drink it on the way.
1279
01:42:36,019 --> 01:42:38,544
No. No more, thank you.
1280
01:42:38,655 --> 01:42:41,146
Listen, Withnail. It's a
stinker. Why don't you go back?
1281
01:42:41,257 --> 01:42:44,192
- Because I wanna walk you to the station.
- Well, don't.
1282
01:42:44,294 --> 01:42:46,762
Please don't.
1283
01:42:46,863 --> 01:42:48,922
I really don't want you to.
1284
01:42:57,974 --> 01:43:01,432
I shall miss you, Withnail.
1285
01:43:01,544 --> 01:43:06,174
I shall miss you too. Chin-chin.
1286
01:43:24,634 --> 01:43:28,195
"I have of late, but
wherefore I know not,
1287
01:43:28,304 --> 01:43:31,068
"lost all my mirth.
1288
01:43:31,174 --> 01:43:35,611
"And indeed it goes so
heavily with my disposition...
1289
01:43:35,712 --> 01:43:38,112
"that this goodly frame the earth...
1290
01:43:38,214 --> 01:43:41,672
"seems to me a sterile promontory.
1291
01:43:44,821 --> 01:43:48,279
"It's a most excellent canopy, the air.
1292
01:43:48,391 --> 01:43:52,851
"Look you, this brave,
o'er hanging firmament.
1293
01:43:52,962 --> 01:43:56,955
"This majestical roof
fretted with golden fire.
1294
01:43:57,066 --> 01:43:59,261
"Why, it appeareth nothing to me...
1295
01:43:59,369 --> 01:44:04,466
"but a foul and pestilent
congregation of vapors.
1296
01:44:04,574 --> 01:44:07,168
"What a piece of work is a man,
1297
01:44:07,277 --> 01:44:09,609
"how noble in reason,
1298
01:44:09,712 --> 01:44:12,442
"how infinite in faculties,
1299
01:44:12,549 --> 01:44:15,074
"how like an angel in apprehension.
1300
01:44:15,184 --> 01:44:17,584
"How like a god!
1301
01:44:17,687 --> 01:44:19,951
"The beauty of the world:
1302
01:44:20,056 --> 01:44:23,082
"Paragon of animals:
1303
01:44:23,192 --> 01:44:28,220
"Yet to me, what is this
quintessence of dust?
1304
01:44:28,331 --> 01:44:30,959
"Man delights not me.
1305
01:44:31,067 --> 01:44:35,367
"No, nor women neither.
1306
01:44:35,471 --> 01:44:38,065
Nor women neither. "