1
00:00:01,900 --> 00:00:05,800
(quiet, noble melody playing)
2
00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:10,400
(music fades)
3
00:00:19,100 --> 00:00:21,400
(car approaching)
4
00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:31,300
(keys jingling)
5
00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:42,700
(flames crackling)
6
00:00:51,900 --> 00:00:54,800
(flames crackling)
7
00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:01,400
Yeah, I got a fire
at the Quick Stop.
8
00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:02,700
Yeah.
9
00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:14,200
(steam hissing)
10
00:01:24,100 --> 00:01:27,100
(hissing and crackling)
11
00:01:38,100 --> 00:01:39,300
(debris rattling)
12
00:01:49,300 --> 00:01:50,300
(bell dings)
13
00:01:52,900 --> 00:01:55,400
Terrorists?
14
00:02:00,900 --> 00:02:04,300
I left the coffee pot
on again, didn't I?
15
00:02:06,900 --> 00:02:08,700
Shit!
16
00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:10,700
Now where am I gonna
bring chicks to fuck
17
00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:13,400
when my mom's home?
18
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:16,900
(Talking Heads' "Nothing
But Flowers" intro playing)
19
00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:45,800
(horn honks)
20
00:02:45,900 --> 00:02:49,100
# Here we stand #
21
00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:52,000
# Like an Adam and an Eve #
22
00:02:53,100 --> 00:02:57,200
# Waterfalls #
23
00:02:57,300 --> 00:03:01,200
# The Garden of Eden #
24
00:03:01,300 --> 00:03:04,900
# Two fools in love #
25
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:05,900
# So beautiful... #
26
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,900
So, ready for your big last day?
27
00:03:08,900 --> 00:03:10,100
I am.
28
00:03:10,100 --> 00:03:11,900
When do you and your old lady
head down to Florida?
29
00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:13,100
Tomorrow morning.
30
00:03:13,100 --> 00:03:14,200
Car's all packed up.
31
00:03:14,300 --> 00:03:15,200
You gonna do anything crazy
32
00:03:15,300 --> 00:03:17,400
before you leave
New Jersey forever?
33
00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:18,400
How long have you known me?
34
00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:20,100
If I were you,
I'd spray-paint "eat pussy"
35
00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:22,400
across the side of the building
in huge letters.
36
00:03:22,500 --> 00:03:24,200
Why?
37
00:03:24,300 --> 00:03:26,000
Let 'em know
you were there, man.
38
00:03:26,100 --> 00:03:27,800
I'd rather let them know
I'm not an asshole.
39
00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:29,300
Too late for that.
40
00:03:29,300 --> 00:03:32,100
I'm really gonna miss you, man.
41
00:03:32,100 --> 00:03:33,300
# Hey #
42
00:03:33,300 --> 00:03:34,900
# Once there were parking lots #
43
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:39,400
# Now it's a peaceful oasis #
44
00:03:39,500 --> 00:03:41,500
# You've got it, you've got it #
45
00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:43,100
# This was a Pizza Hut #
46
00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:47,400
# Now it's all covered
with daisies #
47
00:03:47,500 --> 00:03:49,400
# You've got it, you've got it #
48
00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:55,100
# I miss the honky-tonks,
Dairy Queens and 7-Elevens #
49
00:03:55,100 --> 00:03:56,900
# You've got it, you've got it #
50
00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:58,900
# And as things fell apart #
51
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:02,900
# Nobody paid much attention #
52
00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:05,100
# You've got it, you've got it #
53
00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:17,200
# Years ago #
54
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:20,900
# I was an angry young man... #
55
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:22,900
I can't believe they haven't
done anything with it yet.
56
00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:25,100
The Lord did
something with it.
57
00:04:25,100 --> 00:04:27,600
He smited that hellhole.
58
00:04:27,700 --> 00:04:28,900
Listen to you.
59
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:29,900
Do you mean to tell me
60
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:31,500
you don't miss
that place at all?
61
00:04:31,500 --> 00:04:33,100
(scoffs):
God, no.
62
00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:35,000
Do you?
63
00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:39,300
Of course not.
64
00:04:39,300 --> 00:04:42,900
# I wish I had a lawnmower #
65
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:45,100
# You've got it, you've got it #
66
00:04:54,900 --> 00:04:56,900
##
67
00:05:17,700 --> 00:05:20,000
##
68
00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:32,700
##
69
00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:53,700
# I dream of cherry pies #
70
00:05:53,700 --> 00:05:58,300
# Candy bars
and chocolate chip cookies #
71
00:05:58,300 --> 00:06:00,500
# You've got it, you've got it #
72
00:06:00,500 --> 00:06:02,700
# Don't leave me stranded here #
73
00:06:02,700 --> 00:06:07,400
# I can't get used
to this lifestyle. #
74
00:06:10,100 --> 00:06:12,100
(heavy metal music playing)
75
00:06:17,100 --> 00:06:18,100
(whistles)
76
00:06:18,100 --> 00:06:21,600
# Grandma, what was it like #
77
00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:25,400
# To be on that holiday site? #
78
00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:27,400
Get the fuck out of here!
79
00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:30,600
# Grandma said, "Do come in,
my little friend." #
80
00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:33,800
You know, sometimes I wish
I did a little more with my life
81
00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:36,900
instead of hanging out in front
of places selling weed and shit.
82
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,800
Like, maybe be an animal doctor.
83
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,300
Why not me?
84
00:06:42,300 --> 00:06:44,700
I like seals and shit.
85
00:06:45,700 --> 00:06:48,100
Or maybe an astronaut.
86
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:49,900
Yeah.
87
00:06:49,900 --> 00:06:52,700
Like, be the first motherfucker
to see a new galaxy
88
00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:57,200
or find
a new alien life-form...
89
00:06:57,200 --> 00:06:58,600
and fuck it.
90
00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:02,900
And people'd be like,
"There he goes.
91
00:07:02,900 --> 00:07:06,600
Homeboy fucked a Martian once."
92
00:07:06,700 --> 00:07:08,700
Holy shit.
93
00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:10,400
Our first customer
since our triumphant return.
94
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:11,400
Act cool.
95
00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:13,600
Hold on.
96
00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:18,300
Yeah, you guys holdin'?
97
00:07:18,300 --> 00:07:21,100
Shit, everything but coke,
heroin and your cock.
98
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:22,900
What?
99
00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:24,200
How about a nickel bag, man?
100
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:26,700
(sing-songy):
Oh, 15 bucks, little man.
101
00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:28,700
Put that shit in my hand.
102
00:07:28,700 --> 00:07:31,600
# Nong, nong, nagga-
nagga-nong-nong. #
103
00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:33,600
He likes to sing.
104
00:07:37,500 --> 00:07:40,100
So, uh, I haven't seen
you guys in a while, man.
105
00:07:40,100 --> 00:07:41,200
Where you been all this time?
106
00:07:41,300 --> 00:07:43,100
Me and Silent Bob
finally bought a car,
107
00:07:43,100 --> 00:07:44,600
we're cruising down
to the Boardwalk...
108
00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:46,400
fucking Middletown cop
pulls us over
109
00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:48,000
for Suspicion of Mischief.
110
00:07:48,100 --> 00:07:49,300
What the fuck does that mean?
111
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,400
We were driving around
with a deployed airbag.
112
00:07:52,500 --> 00:07:53,900
The cops pull us over.
113
00:07:53,900 --> 00:07:56,200
They find two pounds
of Jamaican lambswool.
114
00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,100
Prosecutor wants
to put us away for a dime,
115
00:07:58,100 --> 00:08:00,400
but the judge gives us
rehab instead.
116
00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:01,400
Shit, rehab?
117
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:02,100
Yup-yup.
118
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:03,300
How long were you in?
119
00:08:03,300 --> 00:08:04,300
JAY:
Six months, sir.
120
00:08:04,300 --> 00:08:06,200
We got six months
and two days on the wagon
121
00:08:06,300 --> 00:08:07,900
as a good friend of Bill W.'s.
122
00:08:07,900 --> 00:08:09,900
Check it out.
123
00:08:09,900 --> 00:08:11,900
Just got it two days ago,
before we got out.
124
00:08:11,900 --> 00:08:13,500
Yeah, but if you're holding
all the time,
125
00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:15,900
aren't you gonna be tempted
to get high?
126
00:08:15,900 --> 00:08:19,300
Oh, not with the power
of Christ on my side, sir.
127
00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:22,500
Is that a fuckin' Bible?
128
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,100
Hey, hey,
the Holy fuckin' Bible, son!
129
00:08:25,100 --> 00:08:27,300
What the fuck kind
of songbird Jesus-freak dealer
130
00:08:27,300 --> 00:08:28,600
did you bring me to?
131
00:08:28,700 --> 00:08:30,600
(laughs): I like them, man.
They're funny.
132
00:08:30,700 --> 00:08:32,400
They're fuckin' stupid.
133
00:08:32,500 --> 00:08:33,800
You should read your Bible,
sirs.
134
00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:36,800
You'll find all types
of weird shit in there.
135
00:08:36,900 --> 00:08:39,200
Like, did you know
Jesus was a Jew?
136
00:08:40,300 --> 00:08:41,900
Yeah.
137
00:08:42,900 --> 00:08:44,400
(chuckles)
138
00:08:45,700 --> 00:08:47,400
I need two Egga-Mooby Muffins,
139
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:48,700
and we're almost out
of hash browns.
140
00:08:48,700 --> 00:08:49,800
Hold on.
141
00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:52,300
Now, Randal!
142
00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:57,400
(chuckling)
143
00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:00,300
What are you writing
over there, anyway,
144
00:09:00,300 --> 00:09:01,300
your memoirs?
145
00:09:01,300 --> 00:09:02,700
I'm battling
146
00:09:02,700 --> 00:09:05,100
this jackass
on his blog's message board.
147
00:09:05,100 --> 00:09:06,100
About what?
148
00:09:06,100 --> 00:09:08,500
On how he's got
too much free time and no life.
149
00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:10,400
So does the guy who's
flaming him on his Web site.
150
00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:12,400
I can't help it.
The guy pisses me off.
151
00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:13,800
It's this fuck in a wheelchair
152
00:09:13,900 --> 00:09:15,700
that's always preying
on everyone's sympathies,
153
00:09:15,700 --> 00:09:19,000
writing these long diatribes
about how he'll never walk again
154
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:21,300
and how walkers should
appreciate the blessings
155
00:09:21,300 --> 00:09:23,100
of their functioning legs.
156
00:09:23,100 --> 00:09:24,300
That diatribe, as you call it,
157
00:09:24,300 --> 00:09:25,500
sounds like
some poor crippled guy
158
00:09:25,500 --> 00:09:27,200
pouring out his heart
and feelings.
159
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:28,500
Oh, fuck him, man.
160
00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:30,100
Trying to guilt me
into walking around more
161
00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:31,800
because he's all gimped out?
162
00:09:31,900 --> 00:09:33,500
What kind of mind-fuck
is that shit?
163
00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:35,300
So I've been getting
into it with him,
164
00:09:35,300 --> 00:09:38,200
throwing it back
in his stupid crippy-boy face
165
00:09:38,300 --> 00:09:39,800
about how I love
to just sit around
166
00:09:39,900 --> 00:09:43,300
and how I'd rather drive to
the end of the block than walk.
167
00:09:43,300 --> 00:09:45,000
The guy's in a wheelchair.
168
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:46,900
Yeah. That's why
I called him crippy-boy.
169
00:09:46,900 --> 00:09:48,400
Have a good one.
170
00:09:48,500 --> 00:09:50,900
You fuckin' freak.
171
00:09:51,900 --> 00:09:53,500
(door buzzer moos)
172
00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:56,200
I'm not even gonna point out
the irony here.
173
00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:57,700
What's the matter with you?
174
00:09:57,700 --> 00:09:58,900
What'd I do now?
175
00:09:58,900 --> 00:10:00,000
There's a crippled guy
who found a way
176
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,200
to reach out to a world
he feels isolated from,
177
00:10:02,300 --> 00:10:04,400
and you somehow found a
way to take issue with him.
178
00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:06,000
Sure, take his side.
179
00:10:06,100 --> 00:10:07,200
Have you become so embittered
180
00:10:07,300 --> 00:10:09,900
that you now feel the need
to attack the handicapped?
181
00:10:09,900 --> 00:10:11,100
What handicap?
182
00:10:11,100 --> 00:10:12,600
The guy's
just in a wheelchair.
183
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:14,900
It's not like
he's Anne Frank or something.
184
00:10:14,900 --> 00:10:16,600
Anne Frank?
185
00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:18,600
Yeah, Anne Frank,
the chick that was all...
186
00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:19,600
(moaning)
187
00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:21,200
...till the miracle worker
showed up
188
00:10:21,300 --> 00:10:22,900
and knocked
some smarts into her.
189
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:23,900
(snickers):
You're talking
190
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:25,300
about Helen Keller.
191
00:10:25,300 --> 00:10:26,600
No, I'm not.
I'm talking about Anne Frank.
192
00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:27,800
She was deaf, dumb and blind.
193
00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:28,800
No, she wasn't.
194
00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:30,900
Helen Keller was
deaf, dumb and blind.
195
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:32,100
Are you sure?
196
00:10:32,100 --> 00:10:33,300
Yup.
197
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:35,400
Then who the fuck's Anne Frank?
198
00:10:35,500 --> 00:10:37,000
Anne Frank's
the little Jewish girl
199
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:38,500
who hid from the Nazis
200
00:10:38,500 --> 00:10:40,100
in a secret room
with her family.
201
00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:41,100
She wrote a diary.
202
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:42,200
Oh, yeah.
203
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:44,300
Well, then, I guess
this guy is like Anne Frank,
204
00:10:44,300 --> 00:10:46,800
what with the diary, you know?
205
00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:50,800
No, he's like Helen Keller
with the handicap, you jerk!
206
00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:51,800
(computer beeping)
207
00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:53,400
You always got to be right,
don't you?
208
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:55,200
You Nazi douche bag.
209
00:10:55,300 --> 00:10:56,900
What? What do you want?
210
00:10:56,900 --> 00:10:59,900
No, we don't serve Cow Tippers
in the morning.
211
00:10:59,900 --> 00:11:03,000
Freedom Toast is a possibility.
212
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,100
##
213
00:11:16,700 --> 00:11:19,300
Oh, we totally do.
214
00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:22,300
(scoffs)
215
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:23,900
All right, that'll be $12.64.
216
00:11:23,900 --> 00:11:27,000
(door moos electronically)
217
00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:33,200
(gasps)
218
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,200
(sighs)
219
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:43,900
Avert your eyes, you perv.
220
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:46,100
That's not very hygienic.
221
00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:48,000
That's all I'm gonna tell you.
222
00:11:49,100 --> 00:11:51,400
(door moos electronically)
223
00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:52,600
Emma, are you like this
224
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,700
'cause you have an
unnaturally large clit?
225
00:11:54,700 --> 00:11:56,600
(sighs)
226
00:11:57,500 --> 00:11:58,900
You just had to tell him,
didn't you?
227
00:11:58,900 --> 00:12:00,200
It kind of came out one day.
228
00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:01,400
He says it's so big,
229
00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:02,600
it's almost like
a little cock...
230
00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:04,700
which says all kinds
of weird things about him
231
00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:06,300
that I don't even want
to think about.
232
00:12:06,300 --> 00:12:07,400
You wouldn't want
to be with a girl
233
00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:08,600
with an oversized clit?
234
00:12:08,700 --> 00:12:12,000
No, 'cause the next stop is
a guy with an undersized dick.
235
00:12:18,100 --> 00:12:19,800
(door moos electronically)
236
00:12:27,900 --> 00:12:30,000
##
237
00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:36,200
You're a little hard.
238
00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:37,600
'Cause you're
a little close to me.
239
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,000
I can pull back, if you want.
240
00:12:39,100 --> 00:12:42,200
Can we pull back into our
own apartment in Florida again?
241
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:44,100
Really? Goddamn it, Dante.
242
00:12:44,100 --> 00:12:45,300
How many times
are we gonna have
243
00:12:45,300 --> 00:12:47,000
this fucking conversation?
244
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:49,700
There is no point
in getting an apartment anymore.
245
00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:51,400
My mother has
pretty much told us
246
00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:53,400
that she's gonna get us
a house as a wedding gift.
247
00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:54,900
Your parents' generosity
248
00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:57,100
just makes me
a little uncomfortable, Em.
249
00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:58,600
They're giving us a house.
250
00:12:58,700 --> 00:13:01,200
Your dad's giving me
one of his car washes to run.
251
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:02,500
It just feels weird.
252
00:13:02,500 --> 00:13:05,400
Babe, it just feels weird
because you're so used
253
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:07,300
to life shitting
on you all the time.
254
00:13:07,300 --> 00:13:09,300
What the fuck does that mean?
255
00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:11,100
All I'm saying is that suddenly,
256
00:13:11,100 --> 00:13:12,700
you have a woman that loves you,
257
00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:14,700
a new job opportunity
258
00:13:14,700 --> 00:13:17,500
and a fantastic life
to look forward to, right?
259
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:21,300
You got to face it, tiger:
You hit the jackpot.
260
00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:29,100
RANDAL:
What's up?
261
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:33,200
Something wrong?
262
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:34,200
RANDAL:
Nope.
263
00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:35,700
Just saw you guys talking.
264
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:37,300
Thought I'd come out here
and join you.
265
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:38,300
God, it must be
nice to have a job
266
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:39,900
with so much downtime.
267
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:41,600
Downtime's important.
268
00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:43,600
If I had to deal with all
the fucking mouth-breathers
269
00:13:43,700 --> 00:13:45,200
nonstop, without a break,
270
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:46,700
I'd put my head
in the deep fryer.
271
00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:50,100
Balls, too.
272
00:13:50,100 --> 00:13:51,100
Do you really want
273
00:13:51,100 --> 00:13:53,200
to sit here and watch me
and my fianc� make out?
274
00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:54,900
- Are you that much of a loser?
- Not really.
275
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,800
I was actually gonna ask
you two to knock it off
276
00:13:56,900 --> 00:13:58,500
while I was out here.
277
00:13:58,600 --> 00:13:59,800
I don't fucking understand
why you can't be happy
278
00:13:59,900 --> 00:14:01,400
for your best friend.
279
00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:03,200
He finally found a woman
who loves him.
280
00:14:03,300 --> 00:14:04,200
(titters)
281
00:14:04,300 --> 00:14:05,900
Like you even register
as a chick to me.
282
00:14:05,900 --> 00:14:07,600
You might as well be a dude.
283
00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:09,000
Really?
284
00:14:09,100 --> 00:14:10,900
Yeah. You're
my best friend's girlfriend.
285
00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:12,900
You became
persona non-nookie to me
286
00:14:12,900 --> 00:14:15,300
the moment he started diddling
your pooter.
287
00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:16,900
So thinking of me
in terms of being a girl
288
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:18,300
kind of creeps you out,
does it?
289
00:14:18,300 --> 00:14:20,800
Sweetheart, I don't think
of you in terms of being a girl.
290
00:14:20,900 --> 00:14:23,700
I don't think of you
in any way...
291
00:14:24,700 --> 00:14:27,100
Oh, that was just wrong.
292
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:28,500
If you don't get
the fuck out of here
293
00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:30,900
so that I can spend
some quality time with my man,
294
00:14:30,900 --> 00:14:32,800
next, I'm gonna show you
my pooter.
295
00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:35,300
Why would you want
to do something like that?
296
00:14:35,300 --> 00:14:37,800
All right, all right,
I'm leaving!
297
00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:38,800
Jesus!
298
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:44,200
What'd you do that for?
299
00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:46,200
You realize he just
thinks you're trying
300
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:48,300
to get him into a three-way
with us now, don't you?
301
00:14:48,300 --> 00:14:50,100
EMMA: Yeah, right.
With Graves?
302
00:14:50,100 --> 00:14:52,700
That man's a total fucking
Lloyd, like most Jersey guys.
303
00:14:52,700 --> 00:14:53,900
Hey!
304
00:14:53,900 --> 00:14:55,800
You talk tough, but when
we're crossing the state line,
305
00:14:55,900 --> 00:14:57,300
I bet you get all sentimental
for Jersey
306
00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:58,800
and squirt a few tears.
307
00:14:58,900 --> 00:15:00,400
Yeah, tears of joy, maybe.
308
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:01,400
Jersey sucks,
309
00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:02,900
and we are surrounded by morons.
310
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:05,200
On that note, I'm gonna go.
311
00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:06,700
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're leaving?
312
00:15:06,700 --> 00:15:08,500
EMMA:
Yeah, I've got
a ton of stuff to do
313
00:15:08,500 --> 00:15:10,300
before we leave in the morning,
but I love you.
314
00:15:11,300 --> 00:15:12,700
I love you, too.
315
00:15:12,700 --> 00:15:14,600
(whispering):
Bye.
316
00:15:22,100 --> 00:15:23,900
Dude, I'm pretty sure
your old lady wants
317
00:15:23,900 --> 00:15:27,000
to get you and me together
in a three-way.
318
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:31,900
(whistling lackadaisically)
319
00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:40,500
(whistling continues)
320
00:15:44,700 --> 00:15:46,600
(scoffs)
321
00:15:47,700 --> 00:15:49,700
(whistling continues)
322
00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:51,900
(door moos electronically)
323
00:15:51,900 --> 00:15:52,900
Ow.
324
00:15:52,900 --> 00:15:54,200
Dude, how old are you?
325
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:55,500
(laughs)
326
00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:57,500
You know I'm 19, Randal.
327
00:15:57,600 --> 00:16:00,200
You wouldn't work for me
last week, remember?
328
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:02,500
'Cause you said working
on my birthday
329
00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:04,700
would help me build character.
330
00:16:04,700 --> 00:16:06,200
(sighs)
331
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:08,700
Well, at least you spelled
"cock" right this time.
332
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:10,700
Why the fuck are you
still getting rides
333
00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:12,400
from your mother?
334
00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:13,500
And even worse,
335
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:15,600
what the fuck are you
kissing her good-bye for?
336
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:17,700
What is she,
your fuckin' prom date?
337
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:19,400
You're not gonna bother me
today, Randal.
338
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:20,600
I'm in too good a mood.
339
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:22,600
Because your mom
slipped you the tongue?
340
00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:26,900
No, because I just read online
that there's gonna be
341
00:16:26,900 --> 00:16:29,000
a live-action
Transformers movie.
342
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:30,200
And?
343
00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:32,800
Well... I mean, as you know,
344
00:16:32,900 --> 00:16:34,800
my online handle
is Optimus Prime.
345
00:16:34,900 --> 00:16:36,800
I know that.
I wish I didn't.
346
00:16:36,900 --> 00:16:40,300
Well, so not only is it awesome
347
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:43,700
that there's gonna be a
live-action Transformers movie,
348
00:16:43,700 --> 00:16:46,800
but I'm, like,
positioned or whatever
349
00:16:46,900 --> 00:16:51,700
with the best possible
Net handle and e-mail address
350
00:16:51,700 --> 00:16:53,400
for when the movie comes out.
351
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:56,500
Oh, you're gonna be rolling
in the pussy, man.
352
00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:58,300
Don't be gross.
353
00:16:58,300 --> 00:16:59,700
Says the guy
who was just playing
354
00:16:59,700 --> 00:17:01,600
tonsil hockey with his mother.
355
00:17:01,700 --> 00:17:03,000
Mr. Dante!
356
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:06,400
Leave Elias alone, Randal!
357
00:17:08,100 --> 00:17:09,900
Don't look at his wee-wee.
358
00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:13,000
Dude, the Transformers sucked.
359
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:14,200
Oh, no, they didn't.
360
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:15,600
They were more
than meets the eye.
361
00:17:15,700 --> 00:17:16,900
(scoffs)
362
00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:18,900
They could beat the pants
off Ranger Danger any day.
363
00:17:18,900 --> 00:17:21,000
Yeah. I'll lose sleep wondering
whether you're right
364
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:22,500
- about that or not.
- Ow.
365
00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:24,900
I thought you weren't even
allowed to watch a lot of TV
366
00:17:24,900 --> 00:17:26,700
in your house 'cause you're all
Christian and shit.
367
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:29,000
Well, as it turns out,
cars and trucks
368
00:17:29,100 --> 00:17:30,800
that turn into...
369
00:17:30,900 --> 00:17:34,900
robots aren't really
that blasphemous,
370
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:36,900
because my pastor says
371
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:39,600
that machines can turn
into other machines,
372
00:17:39,700 --> 00:17:42,400
and it's not a sleight
against God.
373
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:44,100
Transformers were
a total sleight against God,
374
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:46,800
inasmuch as God sent
His only begotten son
375
00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:49,400
to die on the cross
to redeem mankind,
376
00:17:49,500 --> 00:17:50,600
and all we did to pay him back
377
00:17:50,700 --> 00:17:53,800
was make terrible fucking
cartoons like the Transformers.
378
00:17:54,900 --> 00:17:56,700
Nice shot.
379
00:17:56,700 --> 00:18:01,500
Well, 'cause at Bible camp,
we made this flow chart which...
380
00:18:01,500 --> 00:18:02,800
I mean, I don't know,
381
00:18:02,900 --> 00:18:06,000
kind of, like, proved
or whatever that...
382
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:07,100
Well, okay...
383
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:08,400
Bible camp?!
384
00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:09,500
Since God created...
385
00:18:10,500 --> 00:18:12,700
Since God created man,
386
00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:16,000
and man created
the Transformers...
387
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:20,200
...the Transformers are like
a gift from God, Randal.
388
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:23,000
No, sir.
They are not a gift from God.
389
00:18:23,100 --> 00:18:25,200
They are an unholy curse
390
00:18:25,300 --> 00:18:27,200
from the beast
we call the Desolate One.
391
00:18:27,300 --> 00:18:28,700
I don't really want
to hear this, Randal.
392
00:18:28,700 --> 00:18:30,200
The first of the fallen,
393
00:18:30,300 --> 00:18:31,600
the spoiler of virgins,
394
00:18:31,700 --> 00:18:33,900
the master of abortions!
395
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:35,700
You know I don't like to talk
about dark forces, Randal.
396
00:18:35,700 --> 00:18:37,200
(in high-pitched voice):
# Let me help you #
397
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,000
# Out of your chair, Grandma! #
398
00:18:39,100 --> 00:18:41,300
# Grandma, what was it like #
399
00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:44,500
# To be on that holiday site? #
400
00:18:44,500 --> 00:18:47,100
# Late that night,
I awoke from my sleep #
401
00:18:47,100 --> 00:18:49,700
# Hearing unknown voices #
402
00:18:49,700 --> 00:18:50,900
JAY/RANDAL:
# Laughing insane... #
403
00:18:50,900 --> 00:18:52,700
(screaming)
404
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:54,800
(gasps)
405
00:18:55,900 --> 00:18:57,700
(groaning):
Oh...
406
00:19:07,500 --> 00:19:10,200
##
407
00:19:15,500 --> 00:19:17,800
Oh, what the fuck was that?
408
00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:18,800
What?
409
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:19,800
That wave.
410
00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:21,600
I saw Becky, so I waved.
411
00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:23,800
She'll be in here in 20 seconds.
412
00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:24,800
And?
413
00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:25,900
And you've got to greet her
414
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:28,200
before she gets in here,
you fuckin' ass-kiss?
415
00:19:28,300 --> 00:19:29,200
What's that all about?
416
00:19:29,300 --> 00:19:30,700
It's called friendship.
417
00:19:30,700 --> 00:19:31,700
She's your boss.
418
00:19:31,700 --> 00:19:33,100
You can't be friends
with your boss.
419
00:19:33,100 --> 00:19:35,100
No, you can't be friends
with your boss.
420
00:19:35,100 --> 00:19:36,400
I like my boss.
421
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,400
I think there's
something going on
422
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:39,600
between you two.
423
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:40,600
You're crazy.
424
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:42,600
You spend an awful lot
of time talking to her.
425
00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:44,900
I spend an awful lot of time
talking to you, too.
426
00:19:44,900 --> 00:19:46,100
And I've always maintained
427
00:19:46,100 --> 00:19:48,900
you're harboring an unrequited
homosexual crush on me.
428
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:50,100
We're just friends.
429
00:19:50,100 --> 00:19:51,600
That's what I keep telling you.
430
00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:53,600
No, you idiot, me and Becks.
431
00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:55,100
"Becks"?
432
00:19:55,100 --> 00:19:56,100
I knew it.
433
00:19:56,100 --> 00:19:58,600
You're fucking
around with the boss.
434
00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:02,100
Yeah, that's why I'm moving
to Florida with my fianc�e.
435
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:03,300
Why would you want
to fuck around
436
00:20:03,300 --> 00:20:04,900
with a chick your own age, man?
437
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:06,900
If you've got to sow
some of your wild oats,
438
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:08,600
there's all
these fine young chicks
439
00:20:08,700 --> 00:20:10,400
that stop in here after school.
440
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:13,900
First off, I'm not cheating
on my fianc�e.
441
00:20:13,900 --> 00:20:16,500
Secondly, if I was cheating
on my fianc�e,
442
00:20:16,500 --> 00:20:18,400
it wouldn't be with a teenager.
443
00:20:18,500 --> 00:20:19,500
Why not?
444
00:20:19,500 --> 00:20:20,900
The best part of this job
445
00:20:20,900 --> 00:20:23,400
is all the barely-legal pussy
that comes in here.
446
00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:24,800
And they all look up to me,
447
00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:26,600
'cause I've got
a driver's license.
448
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:29,300
It's awesome.
You're 33.
449
00:20:29,300 --> 00:20:31,100
You show me one
33-year-old chick
450
00:20:31,100 --> 00:20:32,500
who's as buck-wild in bed
451
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:34,300
as her 17-year-old
counterpart.
452
00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:36,100
17-year-olds
nowadays are crazy.
453
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:37,600
They're up for anything.
454
00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:39,900
They even like it when
you go ass to mouth.
455
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:43,200
Oh... my... God.
456
00:20:43,300 --> 00:20:44,200
What?
457
00:20:44,300 --> 00:20:45,400
Are you serious?
458
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:47,800
I don't fuck around when
it comes to ass to mouth.
459
00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:49,300
DANTE:
You never go ass to mouth.
460
00:20:49,300 --> 00:20:50,700
It's never my idea.
461
00:20:50,700 --> 00:20:52,700
These young girls today
get all horned up,
462
00:20:52,700 --> 00:20:54,500
and they tell you
to go ass to mouth.
463
00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:56,100
You never go
ass to mouth, Randal!
464
00:20:56,100 --> 00:20:57,400
You sound like my mom.
465
00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:58,900
Becks, do you ever
go ass to mouth?
466
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:00,400
You never go ass to mouth.
467
00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:02,100
You've never gone ass to mouth?
468
00:21:02,100 --> 00:21:03,600
You never go ass to mouth.
469
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:05,100
I've never gone ass to mouth.
470
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:06,400
Not even once?
471
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:07,800
Not even ever.
472
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:09,200
You're both so repressed.
473
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:10,300
All right, look,
474
00:21:10,300 --> 00:21:12,300
I know you've given
a blow job, right?
475
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:14,300
I haven't even put
my purse down yet.
476
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:15,500
That's a yes.
477
00:21:15,500 --> 00:21:17,700
And I know you've
gone down on chicks.
478
00:21:17,700 --> 00:21:19,000
What's your point?
479
00:21:19,100 --> 00:21:20,100
Well,
480
00:21:20,100 --> 00:21:22,300
when you're done chowing down
on the no-no parts
481
00:21:22,300 --> 00:21:23,900
of your lover,
you kiss him, right?
482
00:21:23,900 --> 00:21:25,500
That's just like going
ass to mouth.
483
00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:28,600
Okay, I'm pretty sure you just
compared a vagina to an asshole.
484
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:29,800
(chuckles):
And?
485
00:21:29,900 --> 00:21:32,700
Have you restocked
all the napkin holders yet?
486
00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:34,700
That's an Elias job.
487
00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:37,100
That comparison
of pink and brown eyes
488
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:38,800
just made it a Randal job.
489
00:21:38,900 --> 00:21:39,900
ELIAS:
Zing!
490
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:42,100
Shut the fuck up, GoBot.
491
00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:49,000
I could probably sue
this whole corporation right now
492
00:21:49,100 --> 00:21:50,300
for sexual harassment.
493
00:21:50,300 --> 00:21:52,500
You're just making me
restock the napkin holders
494
00:21:52,500 --> 00:21:53,900
because of my firmly held
beliefs
495
00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:55,900
on the subject of ass to mouth.
496
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:57,700
You never go ass to mouth!
497
00:21:57,700 --> 00:22:00,000
Would you grow up?
498
00:22:03,300 --> 00:22:05,700
(quietly): All right,
I'm gonna tell you this
499
00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:07,500
'cause we're friends...
500
00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:10,400
but sometimes,
in the heat of the moment,
501
00:22:10,500 --> 00:22:12,900
it's forgivable
to go ass to mouth.
502
00:22:12,900 --> 00:22:14,600
(Randal chuckles)
503
00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:16,400
I knew it.
504
00:22:16,500 --> 00:22:18,900
(disgusted groan)
505
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:22,900
I'm fuckin' bored, man!
506
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:27,500
And boredom's the first step
on the road to relapse.
507
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:42,500
("Goodbye Horses" playing)
508
00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:44,200
Oh!
509
00:22:49,500 --> 00:22:51,800
##
510
00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:56,200
Would you fuck me?
511
00:22:57,400 --> 00:23:00,100
I'd fuck me.
512
00:23:00,100 --> 00:23:03,700
I'd fuck me hard.
513
00:23:03,700 --> 00:23:10,300
# Ooh, ooh... ooh, ooh... #
514
00:23:16,300 --> 00:23:18,600
(long sigh)
515
00:23:18,700 --> 00:23:25,100
("Goodbye Horses" plays
faintly from outside)
516
00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:27,200
Shit.
517
00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:30,600
Well, hello, Miss Scott.
518
00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:34,100
Well, here he is,
the escape artist.
519
00:23:34,100 --> 00:23:35,600
I'm not gone yet.
520
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:37,900
Please. You've been
gone for the last month.
521
00:23:37,900 --> 00:23:39,200
When do you guys leave?
522
00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:41,500
Well, we start driving
tomorrow morning.
523
00:23:41,500 --> 00:23:43,400
Oh, uh, I left you
the forwarding address
524
00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:45,300
for my last check
on the calendar there.
525
00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:47,800
So you did.
526
00:23:47,900 --> 00:23:50,500
That's her parents' house,
right?
527
00:23:50,500 --> 00:23:54,200
Yes, but only until the wedding.
528
00:23:54,300 --> 00:23:55,900
And then, from what I hear,
529
00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:58,300
her parents
are giving us a house.
530
00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:00,400
Nice!
531
00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:02,700
So I guess dowries
are making a comeback.
532
00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:03,900
Oh, yeah.
533
00:24:03,900 --> 00:24:05,900
Her dad sweetened the pot
with two fatted calves
534
00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:07,200
and a goat.
(laughs)
535
00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:10,900
I'm gonna miss you, Hicks.
536
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:12,900
Yeah, I'm gonna miss you, too.
537
00:24:12,900 --> 00:24:14,000
I still can't believe
538
00:24:14,100 --> 00:24:16,700
you're just gonna leave
me alone in this place...
539
00:24:16,700 --> 00:24:18,400
with Randal Graves,
of all people.
540
00:24:18,500 --> 00:24:19,600
Quit.
541
00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:20,700
Move to Florida.
542
00:24:20,700 --> 00:24:22,400
You could work
at the car wash with me.
543
00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:24,700
Wow, you make it
sound so tempting.
544
00:24:24,700 --> 00:24:26,500
How can I say no?
545
00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:29,700
Oh, yeah... 'cause it's a
fucking car wash in Florida.
546
00:24:29,700 --> 00:24:31,400
Like it's any worse
than this place.
547
00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:33,400
Hurl the insults
all you want, buddy man.
548
00:24:33,500 --> 00:24:35,500
As soon as my uncle's
on his feet again,
549
00:24:35,500 --> 00:24:37,500
it's not like I'm
gonna be staying here.
550
00:24:37,500 --> 00:24:39,500
- Hey, how's he doing?
- A lot better.
551
00:24:39,500 --> 00:24:41,600
It only took two years
and a shitload of chemo,
552
00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:43,900
but... his red cell count's
almost back to normal.
553
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:45,200
That's great.
554
00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:46,700
Yeah, it's great for me, too.
555
00:24:46,700 --> 00:24:48,500
Couple of weeks
in this crap shack
556
00:24:48,500 --> 00:24:51,200
turned into a couple of
years a little too quickly.
557
00:24:51,300 --> 00:24:52,700
But, Hicks, we can sit here
558
00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:54,900
making small talk
about your last day
559
00:24:54,900 --> 00:24:57,200
and what it is I'm going
to do once you're gone,
560
00:24:57,200 --> 00:25:02,000
or we can treat this
like any other workday.
561
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:03,300
Ding-a-ling-a-ling!
562
00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:08,900
(chuckling)
563
00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:16,200
Randal.
564
00:25:17,300 --> 00:25:20,300
One ring to rule them all.
565
00:25:20,300 --> 00:25:24,300
And you wonder why no chick'll
let you stick your cock in her.
566
00:25:24,300 --> 00:25:26,500
I never wondered that.
567
00:25:26,500 --> 00:25:27,900
Yeah, 'cause you've accepted
the fact
568
00:25:27,900 --> 00:25:29,900
that you'll never get a chick
a long time ago.
569
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:31,400
I could get a chick if I wanted.
570
00:25:31,500 --> 00:25:32,900
(laughs):
Who are you kidding?
571
00:25:32,900 --> 00:25:34,600
You can't get a chick, you mook.
572
00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:36,000
You're too weird and sad.
573
00:25:40,300 --> 00:25:42,600
I turn down chicks
left and right.
574
00:25:42,700 --> 00:25:45,600
Your chicks are
your "left" and "right."
575
00:25:46,900 --> 00:25:48,800
Yeah, right.
What do you know?
576
00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:50,700
Uh, I know
you're a huge fuckin' nerd
577
00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:53,600
of Potsie-like proportions,
and no chicks dig nerds,
578
00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:56,400
especially nerds that are
into Lord of the Rings.
579
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:57,900
(laughs quietly)
580
00:25:57,900 --> 00:25:59,700
Chicks dig Lord of the Rings,
Randal.
581
00:25:59,700 --> 00:26:00,900
Yeah. The kind of chicks
582
00:26:00,900 --> 00:26:02,700
that are into swords
and elves and shit,
583
00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:05,100
and I wouldn't fuck them
with the Torch of Gondor.
584
00:26:05,100 --> 00:26:06,900
Oh, you're so gross!
585
00:26:06,900 --> 00:26:09,000
(door moos electronically)
586
00:26:09,100 --> 00:26:10,500
Hey, man.
587
00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:19,000
Welcome to Mooby's.
May I take your order?
588
00:26:19,100 --> 00:26:20,200
Yeah, um...
589
00:26:20,200 --> 00:26:21,500
let's see.
590
00:26:21,500 --> 00:26:24,600
Give me one Udderly
Delicious Moo-ilk Shake,
591
00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:27,700
Skinny Calf and an order
of onion rings. Thanks.
592
00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:30,500
(register beeping)
593
00:26:30,500 --> 00:26:33,400
"One ring to rule them all."
594
00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:34,900
(register beeping)
595
00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:36,500
"One ring to find them."
596
00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:37,800
Oh, Jesus.
597
00:26:37,900 --> 00:26:40,000
"One ring to bring them all."
598
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:42,700
"And in the darkness bind them."
599
00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:44,300
Yes! Dude!
600
00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:45,700
How many times?
601
00:26:45,700 --> 00:26:46,900
Well, um, three
for Fellowship,
602
00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:47,900
two for Towers,
603
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:50,100
four for Return.
604
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:51,400
Five for Return.
605
00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:52,400
Dude!
606
00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:53,500
All right, look,
607
00:26:53,500 --> 00:26:55,600
there's only one Return, okay,
608
00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:58,400
and it ain't of the king...
it's of the Jedi.
609
00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:00,300
Oh, Star Wars geek.
610
00:27:00,300 --> 00:27:01,400
Oh, I'm the geek?
611
00:27:01,500 --> 00:27:03,600
Look at you two,
whipping out your preciouses.
612
00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:05,000
You'll have to excuse him.
613
00:27:05,100 --> 00:27:06,900
He's not "down"
with the trilogy.
614
00:27:06,900 --> 00:27:09,400
Oh, what the fuck happened
to this world?
615
00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:10,800
There's only one trilogy,
616
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:12,500
you fucking morons.
617
00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:14,100
You know what?
618
00:27:14,100 --> 00:27:15,900
Maybe we should start
calling your friend Padme,
619
00:27:15,900 --> 00:27:17,800
because he loves
Mannequin Skywalker
620
00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:19,100
so much, right?
621
00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:20,800
(robotic monotone):
"Danger, danger.
622
00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:22,100
"My name is Anakin.
623
00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:25,200
My shitty acting
is ruining saga."
624
00:27:25,300 --> 00:27:27,600
(chuckles): Yeah.
Yeah, you're crazy, Jar-Jar.
625
00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:28,800
Oh, I'm crazy?
626
00:27:28,900 --> 00:27:31,500
Those fucking hobbit movies
were boring as hell.
627
00:27:31,500 --> 00:27:33,800
All it was
was a bunch of people walking.
628
00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:36,700
Three movies of people walking
to a fuckin' volcano.
629
00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:38,400
Here's the first movie.
630
00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:45,600
And here's the second movie.
631
00:27:51,100 --> 00:27:53,100
He is way off. Loser.
632
00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:54,700
You ready for the third movie?
633
00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:56,300
(sighs)
634
00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:06,600
Fuckin' A.
635
00:28:06,700 --> 00:28:08,900
Even the fuckin' trees walked
in those movies.
636
00:28:08,900 --> 00:28:09,900
You know what?
637
00:28:09,900 --> 00:28:11,100
I've had enough of you.
638
00:28:11,100 --> 00:28:14,400
Your simplistic analysis
of the trilogy aside,
639
00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:16,600
The Lord of the Rings
was a massive achievement that
640
00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:17,700
even the Academy recognized
641
00:28:17,700 --> 00:28:20,400
when they gave Peter Jackson
the Best Directing Oscar...
642
00:28:20,500 --> 00:28:24,000
an award your little friend
George "Toy Boy" Lucas has never
643
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:25,700
and will never win.
644
00:28:25,700 --> 00:28:27,000
Bones.
645
00:28:27,100 --> 00:28:28,200
Oh, sick burn.
646
00:28:28,300 --> 00:28:29,600
Let me tell you something.
647
00:28:29,700 --> 00:28:31,900
If Peter Jackson
really wanted to blow me away
648
00:28:32,000 --> 00:28:34,900
with those "Rings" movies,
he would've ended the third one
649
00:28:34,900 --> 00:28:36,400
on the logical closure point,
650
00:28:36,400 --> 00:28:38,800
not the 25 endings
that followed.
651
00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:40,300
What's the logical
closure point?
652
00:28:40,300 --> 00:28:41,500
Yeah, friend,
653
00:28:41,500 --> 00:28:42,900
enlighten us.
654
00:28:42,900 --> 00:28:45,700
When fucking Frito wakes up from
his little coma or whatever,
655
00:28:45,800 --> 00:28:48,500
and the little hobbits are
jumping up and down on his bed,
656
00:28:48,500 --> 00:28:50,000
and Sam leans in the doorway
657
00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:51,900
and gives him
that very fuckin' gay look.
658
00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:53,400
ELIAS:
Not the Rings, Randal.
659
00:28:53,400 --> 00:28:54,900
Say what you will about Jesus,
660
00:28:54,900 --> 00:28:56,700
but leave the Rings out of this.
661
00:28:56,700 --> 00:28:59,100
I am gonna kick your ass
back to the Shire
662
00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:00,500
if you don't
shut your fuckin' mouth.
663
00:29:00,500 --> 00:29:03,000
That look was so gay,
I thought Sam was gonna tell
664
00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:04,600
the little hobbits
to take a walk
665
00:29:04,600 --> 00:29:06,200
so he could saunter
over to Frodo
666
00:29:06,300 --> 00:29:07,600
and suck his fuckin' cock.
667
00:29:07,600 --> 00:29:10,200
Now, that would've been
an Academy Award-worthy ending.
668
00:29:10,300 --> 00:29:13,900
Hey, faggot, they're not gay.
They're hobbits.
669
00:29:13,900 --> 00:29:16,500
And then right after
the Sam-Frodo suckfest,
670
00:29:16,500 --> 00:29:18,300
right before the credits roll,
671
00:29:18,400 --> 00:29:21,000
Sam fucking flat-out bricks
in Frodo's mouth.
672
00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:23,400
I swear...
673
00:29:23,500 --> 00:29:24,700
Fuck you!
674
00:29:27,700 --> 00:29:29,500
(laughs): I made fun of
Lord of the Rings so hard,
675
00:29:29,500 --> 00:29:31,900
it made some super-geek puke
all over the counter.
676
00:29:31,900 --> 00:29:33,400
Where do we keep
the mop and bucket
677
00:29:33,500 --> 00:29:34,900
so I can have
Elias clean it up?
678
00:29:34,900 --> 00:29:37,200
In the closet with the rest
of the cleaning products.
679
00:29:37,200 --> 00:29:40,700
We have cleaning products?
680
00:29:40,700 --> 00:29:43,900
(light jazz playing
over radio)
681
00:29:43,900 --> 00:29:46,100
Why does it smell so weird
in here?
682
00:29:46,200 --> 00:29:47,600
Buh-bye.
683
00:29:48,600 --> 00:29:50,600
I'm on to you.
684
00:29:53,400 --> 00:29:55,400
You know he's not
gonna make it here long
685
00:29:55,500 --> 00:29:58,200
once you're not here to protect
him anymore, don't you?
686
00:29:58,300 --> 00:30:00,600
Well, you're the one out
there encouraging him,
687
00:30:00,700 --> 00:30:02,700
advocating ass to mouth.
688
00:30:02,700 --> 00:30:05,600
I wasn't advocating it,
you big prude.
689
00:30:05,600 --> 00:30:07,700
I just said it was fine
once in a while.
690
00:30:07,800 --> 00:30:09,700
Like you wouldn't do it
if Emma told you to.
691
00:30:09,800 --> 00:30:11,200
(scoffs):
Christ, no!
692
00:30:11,300 --> 00:30:13,500
Oh, I thought love
knew no bounds.
693
00:30:14,700 --> 00:30:17,100
Ew. That came off
kind of catty, didn't it?
694
00:30:17,100 --> 00:30:19,100
A little daytime soapish, yeah.
695
00:30:19,100 --> 00:30:20,200
I'm sorry.
696
00:30:20,300 --> 00:30:21,900
I don't know why I said that.
697
00:30:22,000 --> 00:30:23,700
I actually kind of like Emma.
698
00:30:23,700 --> 00:30:24,800
So do I.
699
00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:26,900
So that's why
you're getting married!
700
00:30:26,900 --> 00:30:28,900
I can't wait until
you get engaged,
701
00:30:28,900 --> 00:30:31,400
so I can bust your balls as
hard as you've busted mine.
702
00:30:31,500 --> 00:30:33,800
You're going to be waiting
a long time, sir.
703
00:30:33,900 --> 00:30:35,300
Oh, that's right.
I forgot.
704
00:30:35,400 --> 00:30:37,500
You're the cold-hearted
ice princess
705
00:30:37,600 --> 00:30:39,500
that doesn't believe
in marriage.
706
00:30:39,600 --> 00:30:41,700
I'm not saying that
it's not all right for you,
707
00:30:41,800 --> 00:30:43,000
but, yes, I do think
708
00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:45,400
that marriage goes
against our primal nature.
709
00:30:45,400 --> 00:30:46,600
To be loved?
710
00:30:46,600 --> 00:30:49,200
To fuck as much as possible...
711
00:30:49,200 --> 00:30:53,000
spread the seed around
and keep the species going.
712
00:30:53,000 --> 00:30:55,100
And all that shit
they feed us in the movies
713
00:30:55,100 --> 00:30:56,800
and greeting cards
is just propaganda
714
00:30:56,800 --> 00:30:59,400
to get us to marry, have kids
and keep the economy going.
715
00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:01,900
Marriage is just
the keystone to economics.
716
00:31:02,000 --> 00:31:03,300
You're such a sappy girl.
717
00:31:03,400 --> 00:31:05,500
- Mm.
- Are you trying to tell me
718
00:31:05,500 --> 00:31:07,200
you don't believe in love,
Beckalah?
719
00:31:07,300 --> 00:31:08,600
In romantic love,
720
00:31:08,600 --> 00:31:09,900
no.
721
00:31:09,900 --> 00:31:12,000
Like, I love my parents.
722
00:31:12,100 --> 00:31:14,700
I love my car.
I love you.
723
00:31:14,700 --> 00:31:17,400
But romantic love,
hearts and flowers,
724
00:31:17,400 --> 00:31:20,200
"There's only one person
out there for me"?
725
00:31:20,200 --> 00:31:22,900
Come on, you know how many
people there are out there?
726
00:31:23,000 --> 00:31:24,400
Odds are there's always going
727
00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:26,400
to be someone who's
a better match for you
728
00:31:26,400 --> 00:31:28,100
than the person
you end up marrying.
729
00:31:28,200 --> 00:31:29,300
So based on your theory,
730
00:31:29,400 --> 00:31:31,800
there's someone out there
better for me than Emma.
731
00:31:31,800 --> 00:31:34,600
Oh, no,
I'm not touching that one.
732
00:31:34,700 --> 00:31:36,100
Wait a second.
733
00:31:36,100 --> 00:31:37,800
You don't think
I really love her?
734
00:31:37,900 --> 00:31:40,000
(sighs):
I think...
735
00:31:40,100 --> 00:31:42,200
you love what she represents.
736
00:31:42,300 --> 00:31:43,700
Which is...?
737
00:31:43,700 --> 00:31:45,900
Come on, Dante, she was
the girl who wouldn't give you
738
00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:47,400
the time of day
back in high school.
739
00:31:47,500 --> 00:31:49,400
And years later,
after she's played the field
740
00:31:49,400 --> 00:31:52,100
and realized how unsatisfying
the so-called "hotties" are,
741
00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:54,300
she's finally gone
with someone who looks...
742
00:31:54,400 --> 00:31:55,600
Oh, my God,
743
00:31:55,700 --> 00:31:57,400
you're gonna say
"fugly," aren't you?
744
00:31:57,500 --> 00:31:58,500
Unconventional!
745
00:31:58,600 --> 00:31:59,800
Ah, nice backpedal.
746
00:31:59,800 --> 00:32:01,500
Thank you.
(laughs)
747
00:32:01,600 --> 00:32:03,200
It took her a few years
748
00:32:03,300 --> 00:32:04,600
to finally figure out
that thing
749
00:32:04,600 --> 00:32:06,700
that every mother tries
to teach their little girl
750
00:32:06,700 --> 00:32:08,000
but she has to learn on her own,
751
00:32:08,100 --> 00:32:10,400
and that's that guys
that look like you
752
00:32:10,400 --> 00:32:12,500
have a lot more to offer,
because you'll always
753
00:32:12,500 --> 00:32:14,000
try harder than the pretty boy.
754
00:32:14,100 --> 00:32:16,800
What am I, some hideous
fucking CHUD over here?
755
00:32:16,900 --> 00:32:19,800
(laughs):
No, you're a catch... kind of.
756
00:32:19,900 --> 00:32:22,200
And Emma's a catch, too.
757
00:32:22,300 --> 00:32:24,200
'Cause not only
is she pretty, but...
758
00:32:24,300 --> 00:32:26,800
she'll make all your decisions
for you.
759
00:32:26,900 --> 00:32:29,700
Which is lucky,
because you're pretty terrible
760
00:32:29,700 --> 00:32:31,600
at making decisions.
761
00:32:31,600 --> 00:32:33,600
So my last day
is all about you telling me
762
00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:35,300
what an ugly,
indecisive loser I am?
763
00:32:35,400 --> 00:32:36,500
(laughs)
764
00:32:36,500 --> 00:32:38,300
Come on, you worked
at Quick Stop
765
00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:39,900
for, like, a decade,
766
00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:43,200
and you've been here
for a year almost,
767
00:32:43,300 --> 00:32:45,800
and since day one at both jobs,
768
00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:47,500
all you've ever said
is how you needed
769
00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:48,900
to get out
and start your life.
770
00:32:49,000 --> 00:32:51,200
And it wasn't until Emma walked
through the door and was,
771
00:32:51,300 --> 00:32:52,800
like, "Come down
to Florida with me,
772
00:32:52,900 --> 00:32:54,200
"and I'll fuck your brains out,
773
00:32:54,300 --> 00:32:56,500
and my daddy will give you
a job, and blah-blah,"
774
00:32:56,500 --> 00:32:58,700
that you actually went
and did something about it.
775
00:32:58,700 --> 00:33:00,100
And I get it... it's...
776
00:33:00,200 --> 00:33:03,200
she's your golden ticket, dude.
777
00:33:03,200 --> 00:33:04,700
So, uh...
778
00:33:05,600 --> 00:33:07,100
...what's that make you?
779
00:33:09,700 --> 00:33:13,800
I'm just the girl who fucks
ugly, indecisive losers
780
00:33:13,800 --> 00:33:16,600
in the kitchen
once this place is closed.
781
00:33:17,800 --> 00:33:18,900
(whispers):
That's me.
782
00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:20,500
(laughing)
783
00:33:24,700 --> 00:33:27,500
DJ:
That's something for
the lovers out there.
784
00:33:27,500 --> 00:33:29,600
J-RAM Radio.
Right around high noon...
785
00:33:29,700 --> 00:33:33,000
So, we're never gonna talk
about it, are we?
786
00:33:34,600 --> 00:33:37,700
What is there to say?
787
00:33:37,800 --> 00:33:39,600
Do you regret it?
788
00:33:39,700 --> 00:33:41,400
Do you?
789
00:33:41,400 --> 00:33:44,400
I regret that it was
on the prep station table.
790
00:33:44,400 --> 00:33:46,200
Yeah, you regret it...
you weren't the one
791
00:33:46,200 --> 00:33:47,500
who got mayo in your cooch.
792
00:33:47,500 --> 00:33:50,200
(both laughing)
793
00:33:56,700 --> 00:33:59,300
What do you want me to say?
794
00:33:59,300 --> 00:34:01,300
We were drunk, you know?
795
00:34:01,400 --> 00:34:03,300
It just kind of happened.
796
00:34:03,300 --> 00:34:05,600
You're just lucky
797
00:34:05,600 --> 00:34:08,200
I'm not one of those monogamists
like your girlfriend.
798
00:34:08,200 --> 00:34:11,400
Otherwise, I might try
to make you stay in Jersey.
799
00:34:11,400 --> 00:34:13,700
If anyone could do it,
it'd be you.
800
00:34:23,500 --> 00:34:26,400
Dude, your old lady's out here
looking for you.
801
00:34:26,400 --> 00:34:27,500
(door creaks)
802
00:34:31,300 --> 00:34:32,500
(whispers):
Yeah.
803
00:34:37,800 --> 00:34:40,800
Come outside with me.
I've got a surprise for you.
804
00:34:51,600 --> 00:34:53,700
That's my surprise?
805
00:34:53,700 --> 00:34:55,200
No.
806
00:34:56,600 --> 00:34:59,800
# Goodbye, horses... #
807
00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:07,600
Hey.
808
00:35:09,100 --> 00:35:10,500
Oh.
809
00:35:10,600 --> 00:35:12,700
So, um...
810
00:35:12,700 --> 00:35:15,300
are you looking for
a good Transformers site?
811
00:35:15,300 --> 00:35:18,400
Because at CarsToBots. com,
812
00:35:18,400 --> 00:35:21,200
you can get an avatar
813
00:35:21,200 --> 00:35:25,400
that's your picture
morphed to look like a robot.
814
00:35:25,400 --> 00:35:26,900
Come on, man.
815
00:35:26,900 --> 00:35:28,600
You know I only surf
Transformers sites
816
00:35:28,700 --> 00:35:32,100
when there's girls around,
so they can see how cool I am.
817
00:35:34,300 --> 00:35:36,200
So what are you doing then?
818
00:35:36,300 --> 00:35:39,700
Trying to secure a going away
present for Mr. Dante.
819
00:35:39,700 --> 00:35:40,800
Really?
820
00:35:40,900 --> 00:35:44,300
Well, how about
an Arwen sword replica?
821
00:35:44,400 --> 00:35:46,300
What?
822
00:35:46,300 --> 00:35:49,100
Uh...
823
00:35:49,100 --> 00:35:52,100
'Cause it's, like,
thoughtful and practical.
824
00:35:52,100 --> 00:35:56,900
I was thinking of something
a little more sexy.
825
00:35:57,000 --> 00:36:01,100
Well, what's sexier than
an elf princess's sword?
826
00:36:01,100 --> 00:36:02,900
A donkey show.
827
00:36:02,900 --> 00:36:04,000
What's that?
828
00:36:04,000 --> 00:36:06,400
You ever see a chick
give a mule a blow job?
829
00:36:06,500 --> 00:36:08,200
(screeching):
Oh, no!
830
00:36:08,200 --> 00:36:10,300
Shh!
831
00:36:10,400 --> 00:36:11,700
Jesus!
832
00:36:11,800 --> 00:36:14,200
If you spoil this,
I'm gonna brain you.
833
00:36:14,200 --> 00:36:16,200
You gonna keep your mouth shut?
834
00:36:16,200 --> 00:36:17,900
(muffled):
Yes.
835
00:36:18,000 --> 00:36:18,900
God.
836
00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:21,200
That's bestiality, Randal.
837
00:36:21,200 --> 00:36:23,300
At its finest, I hope.
838
00:36:23,300 --> 00:36:25,300
Who'd want to see
something like that?
839
00:36:25,300 --> 00:36:27,800
Me, Dante, you.
840
00:36:27,800 --> 00:36:29,400
I don't want to see
something like that.
841
00:36:29,400 --> 00:36:31,300
Why would you want to see
something like that?
842
00:36:31,300 --> 00:36:32,900
Because it's fucked up.
843
00:36:32,900 --> 00:36:34,100
And I want to see
844
00:36:34,100 --> 00:36:36,700
if a chick with a mouthful
of donkey spunk swallows.
845
00:36:36,700 --> 00:36:38,100
All right, here we go.
846
00:36:38,100 --> 00:36:40,500
"Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud.
847
00:36:40,600 --> 00:36:43,100
"Straight from
their dirty debut in Tijuana,
848
00:36:43,100 --> 00:36:45,000
"Kelly's taking it on the road.
849
00:36:45,100 --> 00:36:47,500
Taking it in the ass, that is."
850
00:36:47,600 --> 00:36:50,700
You got to give it up for Oscar
Wilde-like wordplay that good.
851
00:36:50,800 --> 00:36:52,400
Do they show pictures?
852
00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:55,300
Only one of Kinky Kelly
sucking off Optimus Prime.
853
00:36:55,300 --> 00:36:56,300
Really?
854
00:36:56,300 --> 00:36:57,900
Ow.
855
00:36:57,900 --> 00:36:59,400
Let me borrow your cellphone.
856
00:36:59,400 --> 00:37:00,400
Whoa.
857
00:37:00,500 --> 00:37:02,400
Well, 'cause, I'm only
supposed to use it
858
00:37:02,400 --> 00:37:04,500
to call my parents
in case of an emergency.
859
00:37:04,500 --> 00:37:05,700
This is an emergency.
860
00:37:05,700 --> 00:37:07,500
We got to lock up
Kinky Kelly for tonight,
861
00:37:07,600 --> 00:37:10,500
so we can give Mr. Dante
a memorable send-off.
862
00:37:10,500 --> 00:37:13,300
You love Mr. Dante, don't you?
863
00:37:13,300 --> 00:37:14,600
In a non-gay way.
864
00:37:14,600 --> 00:37:16,000
Then give me your phone.
865
00:37:16,100 --> 00:37:18,200
'Cause Mr. Dante's never
seen a donkey show.
866
00:37:18,200 --> 00:37:20,700
And it'd be nice to give
him this before he goes off
867
00:37:20,800 --> 00:37:23,100
to Florida and gets married and
does all those other things
868
00:37:23,100 --> 00:37:24,600
that prevent a guy
from ever seeing
869
00:37:24,600 --> 00:37:26,400
a fucked-up donkey
show in his lifetime.
870
00:37:26,500 --> 00:37:27,800
Hello.
871
00:37:27,800 --> 00:37:30,900
Uh, I was hoping to schedule
Kinky Kelly for a performance.
872
00:37:31,000 --> 00:37:32,900
Tonight.
873
00:37:32,900 --> 00:37:34,500
Okay.
874
00:37:34,600 --> 00:37:36,200
I'm on hold.
875
00:37:36,200 --> 00:37:39,300
Fingers crossed.
876
00:37:39,300 --> 00:37:42,700
We should probably
cross dicks, too.
877
00:37:42,700 --> 00:37:43,700
No.
878
00:37:43,700 --> 00:37:45,700
BECKY:
Work, work, work.
879
00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:47,500
That's all you ever
think about, Hicks.
880
00:37:47,500 --> 00:37:48,400
Hey, Becks.
881
00:37:48,400 --> 00:37:50,100
Hey, Emma.
882
00:37:51,700 --> 00:37:53,300
Great shirt.
883
00:37:53,300 --> 00:37:54,800
Isn't it?
I love it.
884
00:37:54,800 --> 00:37:57,100
What I love even more are these.
885
00:37:57,100 --> 00:37:58,100
These came in early,
886
00:37:58,200 --> 00:38:00,300
and I just had to come back
and show Dante.
887
00:38:00,400 --> 00:38:02,200
And give you yours, of course.
888
00:38:02,200 --> 00:38:04,600
And I have one
for Randal, I guess.
889
00:38:04,700 --> 00:38:06,400
What is it?
890
00:38:06,400 --> 00:38:07,800
Look, I know it's
three months away,
891
00:38:07,900 --> 00:38:10,700
but it would mean so much to us
if you could make the trip down.
892
00:38:10,700 --> 00:38:13,200
Well... yeah.
893
00:38:14,500 --> 00:38:16,000
Uh, I wouldn't miss it.
894
00:38:16,000 --> 00:38:18,300
I thought we were waiting
till we got down there
895
00:38:18,300 --> 00:38:19,600
before we picked a date.
896
00:38:19,700 --> 00:38:21,500
Oh, him is so cute.
897
00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:23,000
Him thinking again, huh?
898
00:38:24,300 --> 00:38:26,000
If we left anything
up to these jackals,
899
00:38:26,100 --> 00:38:27,700
nothing would ever
get done, would it?
900
00:38:29,100 --> 00:38:31,000
I'm just teasing.
901
00:38:35,700 --> 00:38:38,200
Guess you got to make their
decisions for 'em sometimes.
902
00:38:45,800 --> 00:38:46,900
All right, I've got it.
903
00:38:46,900 --> 00:38:47,900
I will see you then.
904
00:38:48,000 --> 00:38:49,500
Thank you.
905
00:38:49,500 --> 00:38:51,300
My friend, tonight,
906
00:38:51,400 --> 00:38:53,900
we bring a bit of TJ
to the Jersey 'burbs.
907
00:38:53,900 --> 00:38:55,300
(door moos electronically)
908
00:38:55,300 --> 00:38:56,900
Well, I don't know
about this, Randal.
909
00:38:56,900 --> 00:38:58,900
I mean, how do we know
this isn't a hoax?
910
00:38:59,000 --> 00:39:00,900
Like, were there any
pictures on the Web site?
911
00:39:00,900 --> 00:39:02,400
Strangely, no.
912
00:39:02,400 --> 00:39:05,000
But if you've seen pics of
one chick sucking off a donkey,
913
00:39:05,000 --> 00:39:07,200
you've seen them all.
914
00:39:07,200 --> 00:39:08,900
Well, what if you
haven't ever seen pics
915
00:39:08,900 --> 00:39:10,600
of anything like that?
916
00:39:10,700 --> 00:39:12,900
Well, then you must be
as blind as Anne Frank.
917
00:39:12,900 --> 00:39:15,100
'Cause what's the point in
having an Internet connection
918
00:39:15,100 --> 00:39:17,600
if you're not using it to look
at weird, fucked-up pictures
919
00:39:17,600 --> 00:39:19,600
of dirty sex
you'll never have yourself?
920
00:39:26,300 --> 00:39:29,900
Ho-ly shit.
921
00:39:30,000 --> 00:39:33,500
You know, I've never pieced
this together until right now.
922
00:39:33,600 --> 00:39:35,100
You're a virgin, aren't you?
923
00:39:35,100 --> 00:39:36,900
You know I have
a girlfriend, Randal.
924
00:39:36,900 --> 00:39:37,800
Oh, yeah.
925
00:39:37,900 --> 00:39:39,100
What's her name again?
926
00:39:39,100 --> 00:39:41,100
Myra Hodgkiss.
927
00:39:41,100 --> 00:39:42,900
You made her up, didn't you?
928
00:39:42,900 --> 00:39:44,600
That name sounds so made-up.
929
00:39:44,600 --> 00:39:47,100
No.
930
00:39:47,100 --> 00:39:49,500
Seriously, Elias, have you
and Myra had sex yet?
931
00:39:49,500 --> 00:39:51,900
Well, that's just
kind of personal, Randal.
932
00:39:51,900 --> 00:39:52,900
Come on!
933
00:39:52,900 --> 00:39:55,400
I tell you about
my sex life all the time.
934
00:39:55,400 --> 00:39:56,700
I let you smell my fingers
935
00:39:56,700 --> 00:39:58,400
after I fucked
Taton Weathers' kid sister
936
00:39:58,400 --> 00:40:00,100
in the office
that one time, didn't I?
937
00:40:00,100 --> 00:40:02,700
You kind of made me
smell your fingers.
938
00:40:04,000 --> 00:40:06,600
Maybe you just
don't like the pussy.
939
00:40:06,600 --> 00:40:08,400
Maybe you're all about the cock.
940
00:40:08,500 --> 00:40:10,700
No, no, I like the pussy.
941
00:40:10,700 --> 00:40:11,800
So come on.
942
00:40:11,900 --> 00:40:14,200
Did Myra ever give you a crack
at her crack or what?
943
00:40:14,300 --> 00:40:17,100
Well, not that it's any
of your business, Randal,
944
00:40:17,100 --> 00:40:18,300
but she can't.
945
00:40:18,300 --> 00:40:19,800
Why?
946
00:40:21,100 --> 00:40:23,500
Jesus, Elias, come on.
947
00:40:23,500 --> 00:40:25,500
You got to start
trusting me more.
948
00:40:25,500 --> 00:40:27,000
Because once Dante's gone,
949
00:40:27,100 --> 00:40:28,700
you're gonna be
my new best friend.
950
00:40:31,400 --> 00:40:32,600
No, I'm not.
951
00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:34,800
Who the fuck else
am I gonna hang out with?
952
00:40:34,800 --> 00:40:36,300
It's gonna be you and me, buddy.
953
00:40:36,400 --> 00:40:37,400
So come on.
954
00:40:37,400 --> 00:40:38,600
You got to start
trusting me more.
955
00:40:38,600 --> 00:40:40,800
Open up and tell me shit.
956
00:40:41,800 --> 00:40:44,600
Like why haven't you
fucked Myra yet?
957
00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:46,200
(sighs)
958
00:40:47,800 --> 00:40:51,600
Well, we can't
because of Pillow Pants.
959
00:40:51,600 --> 00:40:53,600
What the fuck's Pillow Pants?
960
00:40:53,700 --> 00:40:57,800
Pillow Pants is a little troll
who lives in her pussy.
961
00:41:05,900 --> 00:41:09,600
Pillow Pants is her pussy troll.
962
00:41:09,700 --> 00:41:11,200
Duh.
963
00:41:13,200 --> 00:41:15,800
You know
how every girl's parents
964
00:41:15,900 --> 00:41:20,400
put a pussy troll in them
when the girls are young
965
00:41:20,400 --> 00:41:23,400
to keep them from having
premarital sex?
966
00:41:25,400 --> 00:41:26,800
Sure.
967
00:41:26,800 --> 00:41:30,200
Well, Myra's is named
Pillow Pants.
968
00:41:30,200 --> 00:41:34,900
And so, even though she totally
wants to have sex with me,
969
00:41:35,000 --> 00:41:39,700
Myra says if I put
my thing in her,
970
00:41:39,700 --> 00:41:41,900
Pillow Pants will bite it off.
971
00:41:43,900 --> 00:41:47,400
So I got to wait
until Pillow Pants
972
00:41:47,500 --> 00:41:51,400
gets peed out of her body
on her 21st birthday
973
00:41:51,400 --> 00:41:54,300
before we can have sex.
974
00:41:54,400 --> 00:41:57,000
And Myra told you this?
975
00:41:57,000 --> 00:41:58,100
Boyfriends and girlfriends
976
00:41:58,100 --> 00:42:00,700
talk to each other
about sex stuff, Randal.
977
00:42:00,700 --> 00:42:02,800
You'd know this
if you ever had a girlfriend.
978
00:42:02,800 --> 00:42:05,900
Have you and Myra
even kissed yet?
979
00:42:06,000 --> 00:42:09,400
We would have already,
if it wasn't for Lister Fiend.
980
00:42:11,400 --> 00:42:13,900
Lister Fiend is her mouth troll,
isn't it?
981
00:42:14,000 --> 00:42:15,900
Women.
982
00:42:21,500 --> 00:42:23,100
I'll be right back.
983
00:42:23,300 --> 00:42:26,900
You are never gonna believe
what Elias just told me.
984
00:42:27,000 --> 00:42:28,100
Look who it is, Randal.
985
00:42:29,000 --> 00:42:31,000
Randal Graves.
986
00:42:31,100 --> 00:42:32,600
You work here, too?
987
00:42:32,600 --> 00:42:35,700
Jesus. Anyone else from
our graduating class back there?
988
00:42:35,700 --> 00:42:36,700
RANDAL:
Well, well, well...
989
00:42:36,700 --> 00:42:38,900
Pickle Fucker.
990
00:42:38,900 --> 00:42:41,000
Man, look at you two
fun-ployees.
991
00:42:41,100 --> 00:42:42,400
Nothing's changed.
992
00:42:42,400 --> 00:42:44,400
You know, I'll bet
dollars to donuts,
993
00:42:44,400 --> 00:42:45,600
when you two aren't fighting
994
00:42:45,700 --> 00:42:48,400
about who shot first,
Han or Greedo,
995
00:42:48,500 --> 00:42:50,500
you can still muster up
enough energy
996
00:42:50,500 --> 00:42:52,700
to make fun of other people.
997
00:42:52,800 --> 00:42:54,900
Yeah. So hurry up and order
and get out of here,
998
00:42:55,100 --> 00:42:56,700
so we can make fun of you.
999
00:42:56,800 --> 00:42:58,600
Oh, I don't know
if you're in a position
1000
00:42:58,600 --> 00:43:00,600
to make fun of anyone
anymore, Graves.
1001
00:43:00,600 --> 00:43:03,400
32 and you're
flipping burgers?
1002
00:43:03,400 --> 00:43:05,400
Before that, I'd heard
it was the Quick Stop
1003
00:43:05,400 --> 00:43:07,500
for, what, like, ten years?
1004
00:43:07,500 --> 00:43:10,700
We can't all be
Internet millionaires.
1005
00:43:12,000 --> 00:43:13,200
Who's an Internet millionaire?
1006
00:43:13,300 --> 00:43:15,100
Elias, this is Lance Dowds.
1007
00:43:15,100 --> 00:43:16,500
We went to high school together.
1008
00:43:16,500 --> 00:43:17,800
A few years ago,
1009
00:43:17,800 --> 00:43:20,300
he built a search engine which
compiles the lowest prices
1010
00:43:20,300 --> 00:43:22,900
of merchandise
you can buy online.
1011
00:43:22,900 --> 00:43:25,400
You might have heard of it...
MadDucketts.com.
1012
00:43:25,400 --> 00:43:27,700
Didn't that just sell to Amazon
for, like, 20 million bucks?
1013
00:43:27,700 --> 00:43:29,200
RANDAL:
Yeah, but back before
1014
00:43:29,200 --> 00:43:32,200
he was the Mad Ducketts guy,
he was just Pickle Fucker.
1015
00:43:32,300 --> 00:43:33,600
You see, freshman year,
1016
00:43:33,700 --> 00:43:35,700
the seniors would hunt us
down and put us through
1017
00:43:35,800 --> 00:43:37,400
what they called initiations.
1018
00:43:37,400 --> 00:43:38,700
They'd stuff us into lockers
1019
00:43:38,800 --> 00:43:40,800
or throw us in the girls'
shower room naked.
1020
00:43:40,800 --> 00:43:42,600
But Lance here
got the worst of it.
1021
00:43:42,700 --> 00:43:44,700
The seniors yanked
down his pants,
1022
00:43:44,700 --> 00:43:46,300
and shoved a pickle up his ass,
1023
00:43:46,300 --> 00:43:47,600
and made him walk ten feet.
1024
00:43:47,700 --> 00:43:50,700
The pickle fell out
before he hit the ten-foot mark.
1025
00:43:50,700 --> 00:43:55,900
He had to take a bite of it,
reinsert it and walk again.
1026
00:43:55,900 --> 00:43:57,300
Ew...
1027
00:43:57,300 --> 00:43:59,500
Yeah, but don't worry...
he made it.
1028
00:43:59,600 --> 00:44:01,700
His pickle was small enough
to stay wedged
1029
00:44:01,800 --> 00:44:03,300
after only four bites.
1030
00:44:03,400 --> 00:44:05,200
I'll bet you're the only guy
in the world
1031
00:44:05,300 --> 00:44:06,900
who still remembers that,
Graves.
1032
00:44:07,000 --> 00:44:09,700
Oh, I bet you still remember it
pretty vividly...
1033
00:44:09,800 --> 00:44:10,700
Pickle Fucker.
1034
00:44:10,800 --> 00:44:12,000
ELIAS:
Do you have any interest
1035
00:44:12,000 --> 00:44:14,300
in building
the ultimate fan site
1036
00:44:14,300 --> 00:44:17,700
for both The Lord of the Rings
and The Transformers?
1037
00:44:17,700 --> 00:44:19,700
Because I'd moderate it
for free.
1038
00:44:20,600 --> 00:44:21,800
Ease up, Pillow Pants.
1039
00:44:21,900 --> 00:44:24,600
The dude's not into
your D&D, GoBots bullshit.
1040
00:44:24,600 --> 00:44:25,600
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
1041
00:44:25,700 --> 00:44:26,600
Don't insult the guy.
1042
00:44:26,700 --> 00:44:29,700
The GoBots are like
the Kmart of Transformers.
1043
00:44:29,700 --> 00:44:32,300
Thank you!
1044
00:44:33,100 --> 00:44:35,600
I keep telling them that.
1045
00:44:35,600 --> 00:44:37,400
Here, here's my e-mail address.
1046
00:44:37,500 --> 00:44:40,500
Drop me a line
with some of your ideas.
1047
00:44:40,500 --> 00:44:41,500
Cool.
1048
00:44:47,900 --> 00:44:49,900
LANCE:
Okay, let's see.
1049
00:44:50,000 --> 00:44:52,100
What do I want?
1050
00:44:52,200 --> 00:44:56,100
Uh... how about a Skinny Calf
with cheese and a Diet Coke?
1051
00:44:56,200 --> 00:44:58,900
I'll get your order.
1052
00:45:05,000 --> 00:45:06,000
Here you go.
1053
00:45:07,100 --> 00:45:08,300
Well, that was fast.
1054
00:45:08,400 --> 00:45:09,800
And fresh.
1055
00:45:09,800 --> 00:45:11,800
Thanks. Come again.
1056
00:45:11,900 --> 00:45:14,900
Yo, let's wrap this up
so I can get my Cow Tipper on.
1057
00:45:15,000 --> 00:45:16,100
You know what?
1058
00:45:16,200 --> 00:45:17,200
Take mine.
1059
00:45:18,500 --> 00:45:20,400
Something tells me
I'm not gonna like it, am I?
1060
00:45:22,100 --> 00:45:23,600
Wow, thanks, Pickle Fucker.
1061
00:45:24,900 --> 00:45:27,200
Yo, so Pickle Fucker
gave us free eats!
1062
00:45:27,200 --> 00:45:29,200
You know,
I don't eat fast food.
1063
00:45:29,300 --> 00:45:30,600
It's not good for you.
1064
00:45:30,600 --> 00:45:34,500
But when I heard you guys
were actually working here,
1065
00:45:34,600 --> 00:45:36,700
well, I just had
to see it for myself.
1066
00:45:36,800 --> 00:45:39,600
It's kind of nice
having that kind of free time.
1067
00:45:39,600 --> 00:45:42,100
Just like it's
kind of comforting to know
1068
00:45:42,100 --> 00:45:45,300
that some things never change.
1069
00:45:48,000 --> 00:45:51,900
Take care, clerks.
1070
00:45:53,600 --> 00:45:55,900
(imitates gunshots)
1071
00:45:55,900 --> 00:45:57,800
Ooh, sick burn.
1072
00:45:57,800 --> 00:45:59,300
(chuckles)
1073
00:45:59,400 --> 00:46:00,500
(door moos electronically)
1074
00:46:00,600 --> 00:46:02,300
Fuck this.
1075
00:46:02,400 --> 00:46:03,600
Let me borrow your car.
1076
00:46:03,600 --> 00:46:04,700
You're supposed to be working.
1077
00:46:04,700 --> 00:46:06,900
I got to get out of here
for a few minutes.
1078
00:46:07,000 --> 00:46:08,300
Let me borrow your car.
1079
00:46:08,300 --> 00:46:10,500
Elias, tell Becky
we'll be right back.
1080
00:46:10,500 --> 00:46:12,500
(door moos electronically)
1081
00:46:12,500 --> 00:46:15,400
(Elias shouting anxiously
in distance)
1082
00:46:15,400 --> 00:46:17,400
Where we going?
1083
00:46:25,700 --> 00:46:29,700
You know, this tastes like
piss and flies, don't it?
1084
00:46:29,900 --> 00:46:31,900
Sure you want to do this?
1085
00:46:32,000 --> 00:46:33,100
RANDAL:
Oh, yeah.
1086
00:46:33,100 --> 00:46:35,200
This will make me feel better.
1087
00:46:39,900 --> 00:46:44,100
# Raindrops keep falling
on my head #
1088
00:46:44,200 --> 00:46:49,600
# And just like the guy who's
feet are too big for his bed #
1089
00:46:49,600 --> 00:46:52,900
# Nothing seems to fit,
those #
1090
00:46:53,000 --> 00:46:55,800
# Raindrops
are falling on my head #
1091
00:46:55,900 --> 00:46:57,200
# They keep falling #
1092
00:46:57,200 --> 00:47:03,700
# But there's one thing I know #
1093
00:47:03,700 --> 00:47:07,400
# The blues
they send to meet me #
1094
00:47:07,400 --> 00:47:10,600
# Won't defeat me #
1095
00:47:10,600 --> 00:47:13,000
# It won't be long #
1096
00:47:13,000 --> 00:47:17,600
# Till happiness
steps up to greet me #
1097
00:47:21,600 --> 00:47:26,200
# Raindrops keep falling
on my head #
1098
00:47:26,300 --> 00:47:31,300
# But that doesn't mean my eyes
will soon be turning red #
1099
00:47:31,300 --> 00:47:35,000
# Crying's not for me,
'cause #
1100
00:47:35,000 --> 00:47:39,400
# I'm never gonna stop
the rain by complaining #