1
00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:44,993
I'll take him.
2
00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:19,191
Jimmy MacElroy. The crowd swooning
as he comes out of that spin flawlessly.
3
00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:23,076
They are giving him the love
and he is giving it right back.
4
00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:29,752
Here it comes.
5
00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:31,677
And he nails it!
6
00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:36,192
It's the best he's been.
7
00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:40,312
Now there's the arm.
8
00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:42,159
And you know what that means.
9
00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:45,352
Yes. The galloping peacock.
And look at him getting air on that.
10
00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:48,473
Flawless. Just textbook perfection.
11
00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:53,194
There are very few women
in the history of this sport
12
00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:55,436
that skate with this kind of beauty.
13
00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:57,791
Come on, Jimmy. Nail it!
14
00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:03,278
Ending the programme
showing his flexibility.
15
00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:06,391
What a great effort!
16
00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:13,192
He couldn't skate any better than that.
17
00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:15,914
The performance of a lifetime,
Jimmy MacElroy!
18
00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:18,429
Elegant with
machine-like technical precision.
19
00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:19,515
And there it is.
20
00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:23,110
So important to remember that
that dove was in his suit the whole time.
21
00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:25,356
Jimmy's renowned
for his personal hygiene, Scott.
22
00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:28,080
But after that performance,
he's starting to reek of gold.
23
00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:28,398
But after that performance,
he's starting to reek of gold.
24
00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:30,238
While the judges decide Jimmy's fate,
25
00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:32,828
let's take a look
at this exceptional young skater.
26
00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:35,232
He is a child of privilege.
27
00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:37,920
A classic skater defined
by elegance, precision
28
00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:40,156
and an ability to endure great pain.
29
00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:42,431
He was plucked from an orphanage
at age four
30
00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:45,028
by billionaire champion-maker,
Darren MacElroy.
31
00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:48,398
Once a breeder of some of the most
successful racehorses in the world,
32
00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:49,635
Darren had turned his attention
33
00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:52,399
to nurturing athletically advanced
human orphans.
34
00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:56,638
His ultimate find came in the form
of skating wunderkind, Jimmy.
35
00:03:56,760 --> 00:03:59,115
I guess I had a pretty normal childhood.
36
00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:01,119
With his father's state of the art,
37
00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:03,515
some say questionable,
training methods,
38
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:07,599
this child prodigy
was forged into an �ber skater.
39
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:10,553
Soon, Jimmy was sweeping the gold
40
00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:13,478
while his trademark Jimmy curl
was sweeping the nation,
41
00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:16,831
with kids of all ages fashion drafting
right behind their idol.
42
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:19,155
A champion, an icon, a giver.
43
00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:22,990
Jimmy MacElroy,
skating's Little Orphan Awesome.
44
00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:28,354
- Well, Coach?
- You nailed it, Jimmy. You nailed it.
45
00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:30,994
You nailed it shut.
Every move exactly like I showed you.
46
00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:32,553
I am so proud of you.
47
00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:35,035
Thanks. Dad, what'd you think?
48
00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:37,628
Decided on our own to do
a little flourish off the triple, did we?
49
00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:39,910
Look, I knew I had it.
I just felt like it needed a little...
50
00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:43,510
Feeling? We're feeling now?
What are you teaching this boy?
51
00:04:43,640 --> 00:04:44,629
Jimmy!
52
00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:48,639
I sent you a cup of my blood!
Did you get my blood? Jimmy!
53
00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:50,591
Please don't encourage them. Come on.
54
00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:51,709
Move!
55
00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:53,159
They may look cute and innocent
but they're nothing
56
00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:54,998
but a beehive for germs and bacteria.
57
00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:58,271
- Remember the slides I showed you?
- But they're beautiful.
58
00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:01,308
You smell like a winner!
You want to smell like...
59
00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:02,953
- Ladies and gentlemen...
- Jimmy!
60
00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:04,559
- I'll call you!
...the judges' scores are:
61
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:09,515
5.9, 5.9, 6.0,
62
00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:13,758
5.9, 6.0, 5.8.
63
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:16,440
All right, not bad, not bad.
As long as that 5.8 doesn't kill us.
64
00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:17,754
Hands.
65
00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:19,668
Skittles.
66
00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:24,558
Hey, MacElroy. Was that your routine?
67
00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:27,353
Or a performance
of Cirque du So-lame?
68
00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:28,435
Besides, you're too late.
69
00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:30,152
They already handed out
the girls' medals this morning.
70
00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:31,269
Shut up, Michaels.
71
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:34,949
That was textbook execution.
Same scores I beat you with in Oslo.
72
00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:37,548
I was on Quaaludes.
I don't even remember Oslo.
73
00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:38,999
But I remember Boston,
74
00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:41,031
and that victory was
as sweet as the cream pie
75
00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:42,593
for which the town was named.
76
00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:48,950
Step aside, home school.
There's a new sheriff in town.
77
00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:51,835
Chazz!
78
00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:59,949
There he is. Skating's outlaw,
Chazz Michael Michaels.
79
00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:09,150
This cowboy is cracking his whip on the
haunch of this crowd, and they love it!
80
00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:15,993
How do you describe
something like that?
81
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:24,474
He just uses everything at his disposal.
The movement, the music.
82
00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:30,194
And he just nails the triple Axel!
83
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:34,756
Surfing a tsunami of swagger right now.
84
00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:37,519
Well, you know he is sex on ice.
85
00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:51,839
Hello, ladies. Typical of Michaels,
it's not enough just to win.
86
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:54,428
He wants to make love to the crowd.
87
00:06:56,840 --> 00:06:58,432
That's why those seats are so valuable.
88
00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:01,313
That's what they want
from Chazz Michael Michaels.
89
00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:13,597
Michaels just slipped MacElroy
a very public note.
90
00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:15,995
You have been called out, sir.
91
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:25,399
You're welcome, Stockholm.
92
00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:27,909
Unreal. An instant classic.
93
00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:29,792
Just when you think you've seen it all,
94
00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:33,230
Chazz Michael Michaels walks in
with the unrated version.
95
00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:36,477
The undefeatable underdog,
ice skating's backdoor lover,
96
00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:39,592
Chazz Michael Michaels has come
in here and captivated this arena
97
00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:41,836
like a stack of classic Euro porn.
98
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:43,791
And so while his scores
are being tabulated,
99
00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:47,515
let's learn a little bit more
about skating's Leather-clad Lothario.
100
00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:53,399
Chazz Michael Michaels,
an ice-devouring sex tornado.
101
00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:55,636
Spawned in the hell-fires of Motown.
102
00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:56,795
Troubled childhood?
103
00:07:57,040 --> 00:08:00,874
If you call being a nine-year-old kid
with a 35-year-old girlfriend troubled.
104
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:04,675
At age 12, Chazz escaped a life of
running cigarettes and illegal fireworks
105
00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:08,998
by becoming a star in Detroit's
underground sewer skating scene.
106
00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:12,835
The only skater to win four national
championships and an adult film award,
107
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:17,078
which is not to say this rough-hewn
heartthrob doesn't have a softer side.
108
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:20,715
He recently published a book of poetry,
Let Me Put My Poems in You.
109
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,150
Before a big competition,
I like to work with leather.
110
00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:25,350
The Native Americans always said
111
00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:28,233
that working with hides and pelts
releases the soul.
112
00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:30,715
These are a couple of diaper bags
I made for Faith Hill.
113
00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:33,632
Two men, only one winner.
114
00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:35,990
Will it be Chazz Michael Michaels?
115
00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:38,793
Personal philosophy: Clothing optional.
116
00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:44,198
Hope you brought your silver polish,
MacElroy, 'cause that was gold.
117
00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:45,639
That was disgusting.
118
00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:47,671
That, young man,
is how babies are made.
119
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:49,995
- Get out of my face.
- I'll get inside your face.
120
00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:51,109
Mr Michael Michaels,
121
00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:53,037
please gather your coach,
family, and friends
122
00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:54,957
and move to the bench
to await your scores.
123
00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:58,038
Hey, traffic cop. Get this straight.
I don't have a coach. I don't need one.
124
00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:01,948
And as for friends and family,
Chazz Michael Michaels walks alone.
125
00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:05,550
That's why they call me the Lone Wolf,
on my back there.
126
00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:10,231
5.9, 5.9, 6.0...
127
00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:11,509
That's what I'm talking about.
128
00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:14,154
5.9, 6.0...
129
00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:15,759
Another 6.0.
130
00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:16,995
... 5.8.
131
00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:18,519
Was it good for you, Stockholm?
132
00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:21,200
'Cause it was good for me.
Let's have a smoke.
133
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:22,675
Eat that, MacElroy.
134
00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:25,519
Those were the same scores
I got, Einstein. We're tied.
135
00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:28,552
- Ladies and gentlemen, we have a tie.
- You're high.
136
00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:30,750
From the United States,
Jimmy MacElroy
137
00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:33,678
and Chazz Michael Michaels.
138
00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:37,319
You're fired.
139
00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:39,317
What? I brought you a gold medal.
140
00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:40,873
No, you brought me half a gold medal.
141
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:44,595
If I wanted him to share,
I'd have bought him a brother.
142
00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:48,190
It's raining men in the men's singles.
Men wearing gold, that is.
143
00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:51,471
And they join Team USA's
other gold medallists,
144
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:54,478
the pairs team of
Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg.
145
00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:58,274
Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg,
146
00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:01,073
America's brother and sister darlings,
147
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:04,158
the gold standard
of pairs figure skating.
148
00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:06,909
Children of
beloved Swiss skiing gold medallists,
149
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:08,758
Otto and Ella Van Waldenberg,
150
00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:13,510
the twin dynamos Stranz and Fairchild
burst out of the womb and onto the ice
151
00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:16,393
while their sister, Katie,
cheered from the sidelines.
152
00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:21,355
Theirs seemed to be a charmed life
until March 14th, 1987
153
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:24,633
when their parents died tragically
in a car crash.
154
00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:26,353
Katie would survive.
155
00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:29,517
The world wondered, had Stranz
and Fairchild gone into a layback spin
156
00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:31,437
from which they could never recover?
157
00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:32,993
But the siblings' commitment was such
158
00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:36,237
that they were back in the training rink
within hours of the funeral.
159
00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:39,352
So tonight, the crowd cheers
on their beloved Van Waldenbergs.
160
00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:40,913
Well, Stranz and Fairchild,
161
00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:43,031
how heavy is that gold
around your necks?
162
00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:46,869
Scott, this may be solid gold
but to us it's lighter than air
163
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:48,831
because dreams never weigh you down.
164
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,757
No. Dreams are in your sleep.
165
00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:53,633
What about the amazing
Michaels and MacElroy?
166
00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:55,193
Two gold medals?
167
00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:58,073
Yeah. That's great.
168
00:10:58,200 --> 00:10:59,349
Well, speaking of gold medals,
169
00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:00,515
the winners of the men's singles
170
00:11:00,640 --> 00:11:03,677
are taking their place
at the podium right now.
171
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:12,479
This has to be a proud moment
for Michaels and MacElroy.
172
00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:15,114
You have to think, the only thing
sweeter than winning a gold medal
173
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:17,356
is sharing it
with your fellow countryman.
174
00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:18,469
Gosh, I'm getting sick.
175
00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:20,158
You smell like
aftershave and taco meat.
176
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,794
Yes, I do. Now scoot over.
177
00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:25,040
Don't touch me. Nobody touches me.
178
00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:26,593
- Just scoot over, man.
- Don't.
179
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:27,994
- Just scoot over.
- You scoot over.
180
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:29,792
Now there's some jostling
atop the podium
181
00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:32,388
and down goes
Chazz Michael Michaels.
182
00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:34,956
MacElroy still waving to the crowd.
183
00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:37,237
Look, MacElroy's also down now.
184
00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:39,396
I have never in all my years
seen anything
185
00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:41,272
this disgraceful on the world stage.
186
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,868
I am stunned silent,
absolutely silent, Jim.
187
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:46,434
You get that damned bird out of my face
before I break its neck.
188
00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:48,790
A perfect head butt!
Down goes MacElroy!
189
00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:50,717
And Spaetzle's aflame!
190
00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:53,795
Spaetzle! Oh, my God!
191
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:13,433
As we prepare to hear testimony,
Michaels and MacElroy
192
00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:16,916
will be given a chance
to defend their actions at Stockholm...
193
00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:24,638
We love you, Jimmy.
194
00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:28,754
Hey. Nancy Kerrigan.
195
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:31,919
You an official here?
196
00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:34,918
'Cause you have officially given me
a boner.
197
00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:39,597
I'm a sex addict. It's my cross to bear.
198
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:44,794
It's a real disease with doctors
and medicine and everything.
199
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:47,278
Let's get started, shall we?
200
00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:49,277
If either one of you would like
to make a statement
201
00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:51,789
before the commission
passes judgement,
202
00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:53,990
you may do so at this time.
203
00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:59,515
Fans, friends, esteemed members
of the committee,
204
00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:01,559
I don't know what I can say,
205
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:03,837
but I pray you can all forgive me.
206
00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:07,393
More than that,
I pray the children can forgive me.
207
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:08,555
Oh, my God.
208
00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:11,240
- I place my future in their tiny hands.
- That is retarded.
209
00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:15,148
God bless you. God bless everyone.
Thank you.
210
00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:18,874
God bless you, Jimmy.
God bless your heart.
211
00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:22,275
Maxim.
212
00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:24,229
Last issue.
213
00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:27,838
"Chazz Michael Michaels
is figure skating."
214
00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:29,435
Boom!
215
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:35,036
All right, duly noted.
216
00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:39,631
In accordance with the rules of
the International Skating Federation,
217
00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:43,435
James MacElroy
and Charles Michael Michaels,
218
00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:45,676
you are to be stripped of your medals...
219
00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:46,789
What?
220
00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:50,708
...and banned from men's figure skating
for the remainder of your lives!
221
00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:52,876
Hey, you listen to me, old man!
222
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:54,949
Oh, that sucks.
223
00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:56,513
Look what you did to my ex-wife!
224
00:13:56,640 --> 00:13:58,517
I'm gonna pop you
in the back of the head.
225
00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:04,154
Banned for life. That's a long time.
226
00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:08,710
Jimmy, it'll all work out.
227
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:09,875
It's time for a fresh start.
228
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:12,833
- Yeah, a fresh start. Exactly.
- Good. Jimmy,
229
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:17,639
- I'm un-adopting you.
- What?
230
00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:19,193
I don't think un-adopting
is the right word.
231
00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:21,550
Legally, I'm disowning you.
232
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:23,718
But it amounts to the same thing, so...
233
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:25,831
But I've been your son for 26 years.
234
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:28,793
Twenty-two, so nobody can say
I didn't try. We've had a good run.
235
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:33,152
Now, I think it would be best for all of us
if we didn't drag this out. Clean break.
236
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:40,080
It would make it easier for me, Jimmy,
if you left now.
237
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:41,189
Wait!
238
00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:45,313
It's like a Band-Aid. Just rip it off.
We'll both feel better.
239
00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:19,199
Hey, everybody,
get your tickets for the second show.
240
00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:23,111
Second show tickets now available.
241
00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:28,394
Tra-la-la-la, tra-la-la-la
We sing a grublet song
242
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:34,436
We love to roam our woodsy home
Of greenery and scenery and song
243
00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:38,997
Tra-la-la-la, tra-la-la-la
A grublet sings along
244
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:40,473
Oh, God.
245
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:46,433
I hate you.
246
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,279
I hate my life.
247
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:54,516
Oh, no! It's the evil wizard!
248
00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:56,349
Boo!
249
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:12,869
I mean, I had it with skating
for the judges, you know?
250
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:14,831
Just like, I don't need that.
251
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:19,317
I mean, for me, it's so much
more satisfying to see the...
252
00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:22,750
The eyes of a small child,
seeing that wonder as they...
253
00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:26,350
They see you skate out there
with a big wizard head on, you know?
254
00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:30,152
Nice. Really nice.
255
00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:33,358
Hey, Sammy, it's not what it looks like.
256
00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:39,029
Sam. Sammy, come on, baby.
257
00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:41,151
You knew this was how I rolled
when you met me.
258
00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:43,714
No. When I met you,
you were a great figure skater.
259
00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:45,831
Now you're getting stoned
with the Woodland Fairies.
260
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:47,279
I don't even know
who you are any more.
261
00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:48,753
You're living in the past, Sammy.
262
00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:50,074
Come on,
me and the Woodland Fairies,
263
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:51,952
we're living in the here and now.
264
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:54,548
And we're feeling so free.
Come on, join us.
265
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:58,356
Baby. Come on, babe.
266
00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:01,916
Hey, Michaels, let's go. Lace up.
The fog machines are primed.
267
00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:04,395
Second show's
almost three-quarters full.
268
00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:06,757
- You drunk?
- No.
269
00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:09,356
But this ought to do it.
270
00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:12,118
I would fire you
271
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,560
if you weren't so goddamn beautiful
out there.
272
00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:18,750
- You smell like urine.
- A lot?
273
00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:20,998
Get your head on.
274
00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:28,278
They don't feel right.
275
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:29,833
That's because I'm not finished.
276
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:33,475
You see, it helps to think of the laces
as belonging to three distinct groups.
277
00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:35,113
First, the foundation.
278
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:36,828
They're too tight.
279
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:39,190
Daddy! He's crushing me.
280
00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:41,515
Doing it right takes a little bit longer,
but it's worth it.
281
00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:44,712
Hey, what are you doing?
She said it's too tight.
282
00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:46,319
Well, but she's wrong.
283
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:50,479
I mean, who are you gonna trust,
a little girl or Jimmy MacElroy?
284
00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:52,750
- Who the hell is Jimmy MacElroy?
- Is there a problem here, sir?
285
00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:55,155
Yeah, this kid is torturing
my daughter's foot.
286
00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:56,349
I'm so sorry, sir.
287
00:17:56,480 --> 00:18:00,678
You know what, Jimmy? Off the skates,
you're on stockroom duty, now. Let's go.
288
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:11,553
Hey, Jimmy.
289
00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:13,354
Hector?
290
00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:14,629
What are you doing here?
291
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:17,433
You know
I have a restraining order against you.
292
00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:19,719
Oh, that thing?
293
00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:23,709
You look great, Jimmy.
You look amazing. Your hair rocks.
294
00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:24,829
Thanks.
295
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:27,315
You look so good. Oh, my gosh.
296
00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:29,551
Do you look at yourself?
297
00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:34,276
I totally wanna cut off your skin and
wear it to my birthday. It's coming up.
298
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:38,518
Yeah, listen, it's great to see you,
Hector, but I'm really busy right now.
299
00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:40,870
Okay, all right, I'm sorry.
I'll cut to the chase.
300
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:43,150
- You gotta start skating again, Jimmy.
- What?
301
00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:45,794
It's embarrassing stalking a has-been,
you know what I mean?
302
00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:47,558
Look, I almost gave up on you.
303
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:49,033
I started working
with that Ukrainian skater,
304
00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:50,639
you know the one that looks like Elvis?
305
00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:51,954
And I moved to the Ukraine
306
00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:55,152
and it was cold and everyone had guns
and smelled like soup.
307
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:59,239
I sympathise with you, Hector.
I really do, but there's nothing I can do.
308
00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:00,475
I'm banned for life.
309
00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:02,238
Don't be so sure.
310
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:05,398
Section 14, paragraph G,
311
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:09,149
"A lifetime ban is irrevocable
and the banned skater can never again
312
00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,635
"compete in any
Federation-sanctioned tournament
313
00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:14,354
"that exists in such a skater's division."
314
00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:19,791
You see? You're only banned
from your division, men's singles!
315
00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:23,397
You can still compete in pairs skating.
316
00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:24,999
Pairs.
317
00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:31,593
How is this possible?
318
00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:34,917
I had so many lawyers work on
so many appeals.
319
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:37,600
Because nobody can obsess like I can.
320
00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:40,232
Good luck, Jimmy.
321
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:45,994
And I'm still gonna kill you someday.
322
00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:54,312
Oh, no! It's the evil wizard!
323
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,468
Hey, little forest creatures.
324
00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:09,275
None of you sons-of-bitches
try to be heroes. You hear me?
325
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:14,268
Hey, Chazz. Come on.
326
00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:17,078
It's Gary. What are you doing?
327
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,714
Hey, everyone!
This is Gary, the squirrel.
328
00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:21,876
Now listen up.
Gary's been a long-time friend.
329
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,753
We've been skating
for two and a half years.
330
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:28,589
I remember when we were hanging out
at the bus stop in Tucson,
331
00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:30,995
and Gary said, "I've got a third ball."
332
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:35,717
Damn it. I just threw up in here, people.
333
00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:39,991
That's the reality.
Another layer to the legend.
334
00:20:40,120 --> 00:20:44,636
I am nothing but a human onion.
In fact, we all are. Oh, encore.
335
00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:49,669
Ladies and gentlemen, Grublets on Ice
will be cancelled until further notice.
336
00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:51,756
No refunds will be given.
337
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:58,909
Bring it on! Let it rain down on me.
338
00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:06,472
There's a loophole. I was banned
from men's singles but not pairs.
339
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:08,397
I can skate
in the Wintersport Games again.
340
00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:11,353
I knew it. I knew after three years,
you just weren't checking in.
341
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:13,755
I mean, come on, I moved on, Jimmy.
You gotta move on, too.
342
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:15,791
But I'm a skater.
There's nothing to move on to,
343
00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:18,593
except for winning the gold again
and keeping it this time.
344
00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:20,870
You know how hard it is
to find a partner?
345
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:23,195
Even if you did,
you gotta qualify for Nationals.
346
00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:24,719
That's a month away.
347
00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:26,353
I mean, sign-up is in two days.
348
00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:27,833
It can't be that hard. I mean...
349
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:32,636
Figure skating. Give it up, Jimmy.
It's like a cruel bitch mother.
350
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:36,073
She'll seduce you
with chocolates and roses
351
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:39,556
and then kick you to the side of the road
like a dead raccoon.
352
00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:42,197
Forget it. I gotta go.
353
00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:45,552
It's good to see you.
354
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:48,558
Wait, Coach!
355
00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:08,959
Jimmy MacElroy?
356
00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:12,557
Another great walking through the halls
of the Grublets.
357
00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:15,150
Welcome to my little production.
358
00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:17,669
If you're here to thank me for firing
Chazz Michaels, it was my pleasure.
359
00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:18,789
Chazz was here?
360
00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:23,038
Yeah, unfortunately,
but it's fantastic that you're here.
361
00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:26,436
And yes, no need to ask,
I'll consider you for a position.
362
00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:28,198
I'm not looking for a job.
363
00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:31,517
I'm actually looking for a female skater
to compete with me at Nationals.
364
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:34,029
- Are you trying to skater poach?
- No.
365
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:36,037
You trying to break up my family?
366
00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:39,357
Why don't you get out of here
before I throw down?
367
00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:44,359
Hey, where you going?
368
00:22:59,120 --> 00:23:00,075
Michaels.
369
00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:01,994
MacElroy.
370
00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:03,235
I see you got fat.
371
00:23:03,360 --> 00:23:05,191
I see you still look
like a 15-year-old girl but not hot.
372
00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:06,309
You crushed my dreams.
373
00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:08,078
Dreams? Shit.
I haven't had one of those in years.
374
00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:10,634
Zip it, Chazz. Zip it or I will punch you
in your crap lousy face.
375
00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:11,875
This ends tonight.
376
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:13,956
It's daytime, you douche.
377
00:23:16,120 --> 00:23:18,236
- Now it's on!
- You're so fat!
378
00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:26,639
Local figure skating fans got more than
they bargained for today
379
00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:29,593
when a children's ice show
was interrupted by a street fight
380
00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:31,711
between two former champions.
381
00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:33,910
Jimmy MacElroy
and Chazz Michael Michaels,
382
00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:35,632
once at the top of the skating world,
383
00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:39,036
picked up today where they left off
more than three years...
384
00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:57,908
Fans remember Michaels and MacElroy
as gold medallists who,
385
00:23:58,040 --> 00:23:59,519
in a bizarre turn of events,
386
00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:01,915
became banned from competition
for life.
387
00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:03,268
I had a chance to sit down
with Michaels
388
00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:05,231
and let's just say, he's a complex man.
389
00:24:05,360 --> 00:24:08,193
I'm a sex addict
and I'm attracted to women.
390
00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:30,799
Two men skating together?
That's a riot. That's a laugh riot.
391
00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:34,117
- I don't see what's so funny.
- Lf you were as drunk as me, you would.
392
00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:37,869
Look, Coach, I know I said
I wanted to skate pairs, but two men?
393
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:39,991
Even if we wanted to,
they'd never allow it.
394
00:24:40,120 --> 00:24:42,156
But there's nothing in the rule book
that says you can't.
395
00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:46,034
That's not my style.
Chazz Michael Michaels goes it alone.
396
00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:49,391
Okay?
That means no coach and no partner.
397
00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:52,516
Especially not a dude.
398
00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:55,313
Especially not the precious
and pampered Richie Rich.
399
00:24:55,440 --> 00:24:57,396
Would you just shut up? You don't know
what you're talking about.
400
00:24:57,520 --> 00:24:58,475
I know more than you think I know.
401
00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:00,113
Hell, I know more than you know
you know.
402
00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:02,549
No, you don't. You could never keep up
with my flawless technique.
403
00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:04,875
That's why I floored you in '02
and the spring of '99.
404
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:06,433
Technique doesn't get you 18 medals
405
00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:08,551
and a Kristi Yamaguchi
Lifetime Achievement Award.
406
00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:10,955
- I am figure skating.
- Stop it!
407
00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:14,517
For three years I've been trying to get
over the nightmare you two created.
408
00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:16,471
I wasn't sure I'd ever forget it.
409
00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:21,355
Now maybe underneath all your bullshit,
we can still find something beautiful.
410
00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:23,234
I don't know, Coach.
411
00:25:23,360 --> 00:25:25,271
I mean, I'm really desperate
to win that gold, but...
412
00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:28,392
But what?
How's the partner search coming, kid?
413
00:25:29,240 --> 00:25:30,878
What's so funny, Cool Whip?
414
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:34,072
You getting a lot of satisfaction
from those $15 hookers?
415
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:37,431
I am never satisfied. It's a curse.
416
00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:42,955
The registration for the National Finals
closes in exactly 12 hours.
417
00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:45,514
Now let me ask you boys a question.
418
00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:48,156
Do you wanna make history?
419
00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:55,153
No way.
This guy could not hold my jock sweat.
420
00:25:55,280 --> 00:25:56,679
I could hold it all day long. Try me.
421
00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:57,994
- Maybe I will.
- Maybe you should.
422
00:25:58,120 --> 00:25:59,155
You challenging me, Princess?
423
00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:01,840
I'm not inviting you to the Skating
Federation's Annual Christmas Party.
424
00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:03,075
- Then bring it on!
- It is on!
425
00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:04,713
Good. We're in agreement then.
426
00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:05,829
- What?
- What?
427
00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:08,554
Welcome back to competitive skating,
gentlemen.
428
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:11,509
I'll pick you up in the morning.
429
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:13,633
Little help.
430
00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:25,480
Here we go. Show time.
431
00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:30,468
Stranz. Fairchild. Melissa Kelly, ESPN2.
432
00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:32,830
So, let me ask you,
any thoughts on the competition?
433
00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:34,552
And what does a new gold medal
mean for you?
434
00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:36,477
It doesn't mean as much
as winning America's hearts.
435
00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:37,999
That's very important to us.
436
00:26:38,120 --> 00:26:39,678
Now we haven't seen you
in about three and a half years.
437
00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:40,835
What have you been up to?
438
00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:42,075
Skating.
439
00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:44,271
Now apparently you're dedicating
this performance
440
00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:46,630
to the children of the world.
441
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:54,194
Sorry.
442
00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:58,275
- Chazz, fill this out.
- No.
443
00:26:58,400 --> 00:26:59,799
Yes.
444
00:26:59,920 --> 00:27:01,194
I'll get yours, Jimmy.
445
00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:02,594
Who is that girl?
446
00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:04,199
You mean Katie Van Waldenberg?
447
00:27:04,320 --> 00:27:06,151
She's Stranz and Fairchild's sister?
448
00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:08,714
Fairchild's legs and Stranz's ass.
449
00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:11,591
Mind bottling, isn't it?
450
00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:14,474
- Did you just say "mind bottling?"
- Yeah, mind bottling.
451
00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:15,589
You know, when things are so crazy,
452
00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:17,676
it gets your thoughts all trapped,
like in a bottle.
453
00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:20,951
All right, boys.
Let's go do this. Loud and proud.
454
00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:24,754
What are you two doing here?
455
00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:28,236
You know damn well I'm not letting
either of you sign up. They're banned.
456
00:27:28,360 --> 00:27:30,555
I'm not here to sign up
Michaels or MacElroy.
457
00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:34,400
I'm here to sign up the pairs team
of Michaels and MacElroy.
458
00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:35,037
I'm here to sign up the pairs team
of Michaels and MacElroy.
459
00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:36,434
Thank you.
460
00:27:38,960 --> 00:27:41,269
Now there's your front page headline.
461
00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:43,709
Jimmy, can you wave to the fans?
462
00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:47,197
So Jimmy and Chazz together
and no fighting, huh?
463
00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:54,793
Two men skating together
and in our division, no less.
464
00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:56,319
Why, Stranz?
465
00:27:56,440 --> 00:27:58,192
Why is God singling us out
466
00:27:58,320 --> 00:28:00,515
for the greatest suffering
the world has ever known?
467
00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:03,791
I don't know, sis. Those two are nothing
but a couple of freaks.
468
00:28:03,920 --> 00:28:05,353
Yeah, and the media loves freaks.
469
00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:06,708
Makes my blood boil.
470
00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:09,673
And all they're doing is just leeching
the dignity out of our beloved sport.
471
00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:10,949
You know, I'm not a violent person,
472
00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:14,390
but I would like to hold them down
and skate over their throats.
473
00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:17,193
Guys, maybe,
maybe if you concentrate on the skating
474
00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:18,639
people will forget all the hype
475
00:28:18,760 --> 00:28:21,479
and they'll focus
on the purity of the sport
476
00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:24,160
and the spirit of honest competition.
477
00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:28,273
You guys just want to cheat again,
don't you?
478
00:28:28,400 --> 00:28:29,753
- That's a good idea.
- Much better.
479
00:28:29,880 --> 00:28:32,269
Katie, please,
will you just take this camcorder, okay?
480
00:28:32,400 --> 00:28:34,789
I don't know how to turn it on.
Thank you.
481
00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:36,239
No, I'm not spying for you again.
482
00:28:36,360 --> 00:28:39,079
We're just asking you
to discreetly tape their practice routines.
483
00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:40,838
Find someone else.
484
00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:45,479
- What's that, Mother?
- Don't.
485
00:28:45,600 --> 00:28:47,716
You and Father are sad
that you were killed
486
00:28:47,840 --> 00:28:50,638
driving Katie to her ice skating lesson
all those years ago?
487
00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:51,988
Yeah. Me, too.
488
00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:54,680
Remember how they used to be alive?
489
00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:55,869
Papa?
490
00:28:56,520 --> 00:28:59,512
I can't hear you, Papa.
What are you... You're crying?
491
00:28:59,640 --> 00:29:02,712
Still? In heaven? You're still dead?
492
00:29:03,360 --> 00:29:05,555
- Fine, I'll do it.
- Yes.
493
00:29:05,680 --> 00:29:08,478
Now you're playing
for team Van Waldenberg.
494
00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:16,797
All right.
You'll be staying here for the duration.
495
00:29:20,560 --> 00:29:23,916
You're gonna skate as a pair.
You'll live as a pair.
496
00:29:24,400 --> 00:29:26,789
And if you're at all interested
in self-preservation,
497
00:29:26,920 --> 00:29:30,549
you take off your shoes
before you set foot on the Berber.
498
00:29:31,560 --> 00:29:33,437
Why would we step in baby food?
499
00:29:33,560 --> 00:29:36,472
- He's talking about the carpet. Berber?
- What are you? The Rug Doctor?
500
00:29:36,600 --> 00:29:38,591
- Maybe I am.
- I'm the rug master.
501
00:29:38,720 --> 00:29:42,190
- What does that even mean?
- Shut up and take off your damn shoes.
502
00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:48,154
- Bunk beds?
- I don't share rooms.
503
00:29:48,280 --> 00:29:52,273
I don't share shit.
The night is a very dark time for me.
504
00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:54,632
It's dark for everyone, moron.
505
00:29:54,760 --> 00:29:56,990
Not for Alaskans or dudes
with night vision goggles.
506
00:29:57,120 --> 00:29:58,917
All right, this is gonna stop right now.
507
00:29:59,040 --> 00:30:01,918
From here on out, you guys are a team.
Do you understand?
508
00:30:02,040 --> 00:30:03,473
You are going to eat together,
sleep together.
509
00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:04,874
You are going to pee together.
510
00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:07,389
You're gonna file
a joint income tax return.
511
00:30:07,520 --> 00:30:10,512
Practice starts now. End of discussion.
512
00:30:20,480 --> 00:30:22,277
I just put those into order.
513
00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:24,311
I need some counter space, too.
514
00:30:27,160 --> 00:30:30,550
- Mane n' Tail. Is this horse shampoo?
- Yes, it is.
515
00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:33,194
- Do you use this stuff on your hair?
- Uh-huh.
516
00:30:34,040 --> 00:30:37,874
"For a lustrous coat."
Does this actually work?
517
00:30:38,000 --> 00:30:39,319
You bet your ass it does.
518
00:30:39,440 --> 00:30:42,910
It makes my hair shine like Orion's belt
out on the ice.
519
00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:48,390
And then I brush my hair
100 times with this.
520
00:30:52,080 --> 00:30:53,229
Cool brush.
521
00:30:53,360 --> 00:30:56,397
Not just a brush but a Verticoli.
522
00:30:57,160 --> 00:31:00,550
Handmade in Italy.
They carve it out of illegal whalebone.
523
00:31:00,680 --> 00:31:02,750
They only make 11 of them a year.
524
00:31:02,880 --> 00:31:06,919
This one cost me $12,000
or 30 million lira.
525
00:31:08,120 --> 00:31:11,715
Perfectly balanced, low drag,
minimal torque.
526
00:31:11,840 --> 00:31:13,432
How minimal?
527
00:31:13,560 --> 00:31:15,471
I bet you'd like to know.
528
00:31:16,400 --> 00:31:17,879
Help yourself to the Mane n' Tail
all you want,
529
00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:20,195
but don't even look at the Verticoli.
530
00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:22,436
'Cause I will knock your block off.
531
00:31:22,560 --> 00:31:23,879
No exaggeration,
532
00:31:24,000 --> 00:31:27,709
I could not love a human baby
as much as I love this brush.
533
00:31:33,800 --> 00:31:34,835
I call top.
534
00:31:34,960 --> 00:31:38,839
- Sorry, I already called it in my head.
- You can't do that. That doesn't count.
535
00:31:38,960 --> 00:31:41,758
Yes, it does. Get used to it, Jimmy.
536
00:31:43,120 --> 00:31:45,076
You're in Chazz's world now.
537
00:31:46,040 --> 00:31:47,632
You know what?
I permanently called shotgun.
538
00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:49,876
You do not get shotgun every time.
539
00:31:50,000 --> 00:31:53,709
What is this place? It smells like fish.
540
00:31:53,840 --> 00:31:55,034
Sweet.
541
00:31:56,000 --> 00:31:58,468
This ice has not been
properly Zambonied.
542
00:31:58,600 --> 00:32:00,750
- And where's the warm-down room?
- We don't have any of that.
543
00:32:00,880 --> 00:32:02,472
What we got is a cold storage unit
544
00:32:02,600 --> 00:32:05,353
that a buddy of mine let me flood
with a garden hose.
545
00:32:05,480 --> 00:32:07,152
Nice choice, Coach.
546
00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:09,438
Turned out well.
547
00:32:09,560 --> 00:32:12,632
The dance lift, the press lift,
the twist lift,
548
00:32:13,160 --> 00:32:15,958
the side by side jump, the throw jump.
549
00:32:16,080 --> 00:32:18,594
All of these are weapons
in the pairs skaters' arsenal.
550
00:32:18,720 --> 00:32:21,029
And used properly,
they can slay your opponent.
551
00:32:21,160 --> 00:32:24,470
Used improperly,
you can break every bone in your body.
552
00:32:25,360 --> 00:32:27,999
All right, gentlemen, waltz position.
553
00:32:38,520 --> 00:32:40,078
You know what, dude,
your hand has to be on top.
554
00:32:40,200 --> 00:32:41,599
No way. The girl's goes on top.
555
00:32:41,720 --> 00:32:43,392
Yeah. Ergo. Chick.
556
00:32:43,520 --> 00:32:44,748
I'm not the girl. I'm stronger.
557
00:32:44,880 --> 00:32:46,393
No, I'm stronger
and don't have a vagina.
558
00:32:46,520 --> 00:32:48,590
You are not stronger.
Watch this, fat ass.
559
00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:49,709
Fat ass?
560
00:32:49,840 --> 00:32:51,558
It doesn't really matter,
it's waltz position.
561
00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:53,398
One guy, you put your, just...
562
00:32:53,520 --> 00:32:55,750
See that?
It's pure pec, bicep, and tricep.
563
00:32:55,880 --> 00:32:56,869
Jimmy, get off your hands.
564
00:32:57,000 --> 00:32:59,036
You're gonna need those later.
Now, come on.
565
00:32:59,160 --> 00:33:00,229
All right.
566
00:33:00,480 --> 00:33:02,277
Okay, you know what?
I can do something cool, too.
567
00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:03,435
Chazz. Chazz.
568
00:33:03,560 --> 00:33:07,519
You think you're so tough. Huh?
I'm not fat. I can do this.
569
00:33:07,640 --> 00:33:10,359
- Chazz, put your skates back on.
- No, it's too late. They're off.
570
00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:12,710
- Look, I'm like lightning.
- Put your skates back on.
571
00:33:12,840 --> 00:33:13,909
What are you doing?
572
00:33:14,040 --> 00:33:16,395
- Yeah. God, that burns.
- Oh, yeah?
573
00:33:17,440 --> 00:33:19,510
Jimmy, you put your clothes on. Jimmy!
574
00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:21,312
- Damn it!
- Watch my Icy Hot Super Slide.
575
00:33:21,440 --> 00:33:22,429
- Do it.
- I will.
576
00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:25,757
It's not gonna matter
'cause you're flat in front like Ken.
577
00:33:41,440 --> 00:33:42,509
You're the girl.
578
00:33:42,640 --> 00:33:44,517
- What?
- You're my pretty lady, MacElroy.
579
00:33:44,640 --> 00:33:46,949
- Wait. Why?
- Because you whine like one!
580
00:33:47,080 --> 00:33:50,550
And no one can lift your fat ass.
You're on a diet, starting now.
581
00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:53,399
- What are you talking about?
- Let's go! Come on!
582
00:33:53,520 --> 00:33:55,476
Is this about my muscular, thick thighs?
583
00:33:56,920 --> 00:33:58,990
Could one of you all pass me a biscuit?
584
00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:01,953
You got another five miles,
then you get a LUNA bar.
585
00:34:02,080 --> 00:34:03,399
Come on.
586
00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:08,158
So, Coach, I was thinking
about the music for our routine.
587
00:34:08,280 --> 00:34:09,679
- Really?
- We're gonna skate to one song,
588
00:34:09,800 --> 00:34:12,758
one song only.
Lady Hump by the Black Eyed Peas.
589
00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:15,997
What you gonna do with all that junk
All that junk inside my trunk
590
00:34:16,120 --> 00:34:19,237
I'm gonna get you, get you drunk
Get you drunk off my lady hump
591
00:34:19,360 --> 00:34:22,432
My hump, my hump
My lovely lady hump
592
00:34:22,560 --> 00:34:25,472
I'm not skating to anything
with references to lady humps.
593
00:34:25,600 --> 00:34:26,669
I don't even know what that means.
594
00:34:26,800 --> 00:34:29,519
No one knows what it means,
but it's provocative.
595
00:34:29,640 --> 00:34:31,392
- No, it's not. It's gross.
- It gets the people going.
596
00:34:31,520 --> 00:34:35,035
That's enough!
Why do you guys keep doing that?
597
00:34:46,120 --> 00:34:47,951
You didn't see shit!
598
00:34:48,840 --> 00:34:50,398
- Coach!
- Shut up!
599
00:34:56,000 --> 00:34:57,877
Throw me some chicken!
600
00:34:59,840 --> 00:35:01,159
Two men.
601
00:35:01,280 --> 00:35:03,236
Together. You're really gonna go
through with this, huh?
602
00:35:03,360 --> 00:35:04,634
Oh, yeah, of course. Why not?
603
00:35:04,760 --> 00:35:06,318
I mean, I need your help.
What do you say?
604
00:35:06,440 --> 00:35:09,318
Look, I'm just a choreographer.
What do I know?
605
00:35:09,440 --> 00:35:10,953
Bring them
by the dance studio tomorrow.
606
00:35:11,080 --> 00:35:12,672
- Great!
- I'm not a magician.
607
00:35:12,800 --> 00:35:13,789
I ain't making no promises.
608
00:35:13,920 --> 00:35:16,115
I'm just saying
that I'm'a do what I can do.
609
00:35:16,240 --> 00:35:19,198
Your problem is your boundaries.
That ends today.
610
00:35:19,320 --> 00:35:20,548
Out on my dance floor you won't know
611
00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:22,636
where one man's body ends
and another begins.
612
00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:25,354
Because if you can't dance with a man,
you damn sure can't skate with a man.
613
00:35:25,480 --> 00:35:27,436
All right? So come on, let's go.
614
00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:29,915
Jimmy.
615
00:35:30,760 --> 00:35:31,829
Yeah.
616
00:35:32,720 --> 00:35:33,760
That's what I thought.
617
00:35:33,880 --> 00:35:35,677
That a boy, Jimmy. Come on.
618
00:35:36,160 --> 00:35:38,549
Okay. Break it down.
Show me what you got.
619
00:35:40,120 --> 00:35:42,509
Okay. That's a start. That is a start.
620
00:36:09,160 --> 00:36:10,559
You're tensing your face.
If you tense your face,
621
00:36:10,680 --> 00:36:12,352
you're gonna make it harder
for yourselves.
622
00:36:12,480 --> 00:36:14,038
Just enable...
623
00:36:19,600 --> 00:36:22,273
Rewind it.
I wanna see his head bang down again.
624
00:36:29,640 --> 00:36:33,076
No. No, no.
You act right or you leave my studio.
625
00:36:33,200 --> 00:36:36,795
Beautiful butterfly into a prayer.
Nice into...
626
00:36:40,440 --> 00:36:42,351
Let them get it out. Let them get it out.
627
00:36:42,480 --> 00:36:45,950
Chazz, release to Jimmy.
Easy, see? Release...
628
00:36:48,840 --> 00:36:50,432
- Yes.
- No. No.
629
00:37:05,840 --> 00:37:06,795
You nailed it!
630
00:37:06,920 --> 00:37:10,754
Yes, I did. See that? Pure power.
You could use a nickel's worth, junior.
631
00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:12,359
Maybe if you released me
at that quarter-turn,
632
00:37:12,480 --> 00:37:14,232
I wouldn't have to save your ass
with my landing.
633
00:37:14,360 --> 00:37:17,591
It's called improvisation.
Even your precious Kenny G does it.
634
00:37:17,720 --> 00:37:19,711
Well, at least they're getting
the moves down.
635
00:37:19,840 --> 00:37:24,118
Yeah, but can they do it in front of
five judges and 30 million people?
636
00:37:26,720 --> 00:37:28,995
Denver, Colorado, last stop on the road
637
00:37:29,120 --> 00:37:31,475
to the World Wintersport Games
in Montreal.
638
00:37:31,600 --> 00:37:34,319
The finest skaters from all over
the country have trained tirelessly,
639
00:37:34,440 --> 00:37:37,193
for years for their chance
to make it onto the world stage.
640
00:37:37,320 --> 00:37:39,470
But all those stories
have been eclipsed now
641
00:37:39,600 --> 00:37:42,068
by what many dub
the Sideshow of the Century.
642
00:37:42,240 --> 00:37:45,949
The male-male pair of Jimmy MacElroy
and Chazz Michael Michaels.
643
00:37:46,080 --> 00:37:48,719
The anxiety was palpable
when they arrived this morning
644
00:37:48,840 --> 00:37:51,957
as the skating community
continued to voice its outrage.
645
00:37:52,080 --> 00:37:54,196
Those two are turning this sport
into a freak show.
646
00:37:54,400 --> 00:37:56,595
As if figure skating
wasn't gay enough already.
647
00:37:56,960 --> 00:38:00,430
Let me show you something.
Does that look right to you?
648
00:38:00,800 --> 00:38:02,711
Nothing in here about two men skating.
649
00:38:02,880 --> 00:38:06,395
That blonde chick's a dude? Oh, man.
650
00:38:06,880 --> 00:38:09,394
Now let's join Stranz
and Fairchild Van Waldenberg
651
00:38:09,520 --> 00:38:11,078
as they wind up their routine,
652
00:38:11,200 --> 00:38:15,239
an edgy look at urban culture
told in the language of the streets.
653
00:38:16,560 --> 00:38:19,552
And boy, look at them!
They are really having fun with this.
654
00:38:19,680 --> 00:38:23,753
The bling is king. This pair
is willing the crowd into a frenzy.
655
00:38:26,680 --> 00:38:27,999
Come on! Come on!
656
00:38:36,440 --> 00:38:39,034
Wow! Flawless, as always.
657
00:38:39,160 --> 00:38:41,754
These two blue-eyed funk machines
are going to find themselves
658
00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:45,714
popping and locking their way
to the championship in Montreal.
659
00:38:45,840 --> 00:38:47,637
And those good vibrations seem
660
00:38:47,760 --> 00:38:50,718
to have spread all the way
through this arena.
661
00:38:52,960 --> 00:38:54,359
What, what!
662
00:38:58,240 --> 00:38:59,798
You guys are up.
663
00:39:00,400 --> 00:39:02,516
And now the moment
this crowd has been waiting for.
664
00:39:02,640 --> 00:39:04,551
And how is this going to work?
665
00:39:04,680 --> 00:39:08,150
Completely different skaters,
known to be enemies of one another,
666
00:39:08,280 --> 00:39:12,990
combining to be the first male-male
pair team in the history of the sport.
667
00:39:13,120 --> 00:39:16,237
Either the locked-in technical style
of MacElroy
668
00:39:16,360 --> 00:39:19,557
will not mesh
with Michaels' improvisations
669
00:39:19,680 --> 00:39:21,557
or they create great music together
670
00:39:21,680 --> 00:39:24,478
and reinvent the sport
in their own image.
671
00:39:28,200 --> 00:39:29,792
They're laughing at us.
672
00:39:30,760 --> 00:39:33,797
They laughed at Louis Armstrong when
he said he was gonna go to the moon.
673
00:39:33,920 --> 00:39:36,514
Now he's up there laughing at them.
674
00:39:40,600 --> 00:39:44,275
Well, they titled this routine
"Fire and Ice."
675
00:39:44,400 --> 00:39:47,551
They've always been that way
as competitors, as individuals
676
00:39:47,680 --> 00:39:49,477
and now as a pair team?
677
00:39:49,600 --> 00:39:51,158
So appropriate.
678
00:40:40,840 --> 00:40:42,398
So far, so good.
679
00:40:48,000 --> 00:40:51,037
Their first move's so difficult.
Throw triple Axel.
680
00:40:51,160 --> 00:40:52,513
First throw.
681
00:40:54,040 --> 00:40:55,029
Man down.
682
00:40:55,160 --> 00:40:58,835
What an unbelievably disastrous
beginning to this routine!
683
00:41:00,840 --> 00:41:02,558
I've never fallen once in competition.
684
00:41:02,680 --> 00:41:04,557
Come on. Take my hand.
685
00:41:05,640 --> 00:41:07,153
We can do this.
686
00:41:09,120 --> 00:41:10,109
And they're up.
687
00:41:10,240 --> 00:41:12,356
Come on, Denver, get off your asses!
688
00:41:13,240 --> 00:41:14,719
Let's go!
689
00:41:15,200 --> 00:41:16,349
And the crowd responds.
690
00:41:16,480 --> 00:41:20,268
It's the first time they've shown them
any level of support.
691
00:41:23,520 --> 00:41:26,876
Side by side double Axels!
Beautifully delivered!
692
00:41:30,920 --> 00:41:32,273
And again, a male-male pair team.
693
00:41:32,400 --> 00:41:36,075
They're doing things
that no other pair would dare to do.
694
00:41:49,720 --> 00:41:51,199
Incredible!
695
00:42:04,440 --> 00:42:08,319
So many moves in this programme
I've never heard of before.
696
00:42:15,440 --> 00:42:16,509
Yes!
697
00:42:25,160 --> 00:42:27,833
Unbelievable finish
to an incredible routine!
698
00:42:27,960 --> 00:42:30,269
And they've won this crowd over!
699
00:42:32,840 --> 00:42:33,829
Yes!
700
00:42:34,600 --> 00:42:37,592
This might be enough
to send them to Montreal
701
00:42:37,720 --> 00:42:42,077
as the first male-male representatives
this sport has ever seen.
702
00:42:42,200 --> 00:42:43,997
History in the making.
703
00:42:55,200 --> 00:42:56,349
Yeah!
704
00:43:04,440 --> 00:43:06,192
We love you, Denver!
705
00:43:07,000 --> 00:43:09,594
City by the bay! John Denver!
706
00:43:13,680 --> 00:43:16,069
- Was the fire really necessary?
- Ask them.
707
00:43:19,720 --> 00:43:23,110
- That's what I'm talking about!
- I'm so proud of you. Good job.
708
00:43:25,240 --> 00:43:26,753
What up, homes?
709
00:43:30,720 --> 00:43:32,392
You guys were great out there.
710
00:43:32,520 --> 00:43:34,715
Thanks. I'm Jimmy.
711
00:43:34,840 --> 00:43:36,400
I know. Katie.
712
00:43:36,760 --> 00:43:37,954
I know.
713
00:43:41,440 --> 00:43:43,158
I like your buttons.
714
00:43:44,080 --> 00:43:46,116
Jimmy, come on. The scores are up.
715
00:43:46,520 --> 00:43:48,112
- Good luck.
- You, too.
716
00:43:48,240 --> 00:43:50,310
Did you see that?
They were actually pretty good.
717
00:43:50,440 --> 00:43:52,158
Yeah, they were really good. Way to go.
718
00:43:52,280 --> 00:43:53,633
None of what they did
was on your video.
719
00:43:53,760 --> 00:43:55,478
That's all right.
Let's not let them get into our heads.
720
00:43:55,600 --> 00:43:57,591
Into our head?
Not only did we embarrass Marky Mark,
721
00:43:57,720 --> 00:43:59,199
we let down the Funky Bunch.
722
00:43:59,320 --> 00:44:02,551
... 5.9, 5.9, 5.8, 6.0!
723
00:44:02,680 --> 00:44:03,635
- Yes! Yes!
- Oh, my gosh!
724
00:44:03,760 --> 00:44:05,990
We're going to Montreal, bitch!
725
00:44:07,200 --> 00:44:09,668
Well, it's all smiles
here in the Crest kiss and cry area.
726
00:44:09,800 --> 00:44:12,712
You're the guys everybody's
talking about. How does it feel?
727
00:44:12,840 --> 00:44:15,912
You know, we're just so grateful
for this wonderful opportunity
728
00:44:16,040 --> 00:44:17,234
to be out here on the ice again...
729
00:44:17,360 --> 00:44:20,158
Michaels and MacElroy are a freight
train from hell, okay?
730
00:44:20,280 --> 00:44:23,909
We're going straight up
the ass of the competition, Scott.
731
00:44:25,120 --> 00:44:26,951
I'm not gonna say wow, but wow!
732
00:44:27,080 --> 00:44:31,039
They got by on 97 percent adrenaline
and three percent bullshit.
733
00:44:31,160 --> 00:44:35,312
If they wanna take home the gold,
they gotta do something spectacular.
734
00:44:35,440 --> 00:44:36,475
Robert, I know where this is going.
735
00:44:36,600 --> 00:44:38,955
How many times
do you have to make the same mistake?
736
00:44:39,080 --> 00:44:42,117
Till I get it right.
You gotta trust me, Jesse.
737
00:44:43,440 --> 00:44:46,910
I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life
in a cage of fear.
738
00:44:50,960 --> 00:44:53,838
Top of the morning. And it is a beaut.
739
00:44:55,160 --> 00:44:57,833
Do you mind? I'm trying to eat here.
740
00:44:58,480 --> 00:45:01,631
Just thought you'd like to see
what a skater's body really looks like.
741
00:45:01,760 --> 00:45:04,149
Go ahead, drink it in. Don't be shy.
742
00:45:04,280 --> 00:45:07,909
Looking's for free.
Touching's gonna cost you something.
743
00:45:11,320 --> 00:45:13,038
Checking out my ink?
744
00:45:13,560 --> 00:45:16,677
Some people refer to me
as the Illustrated Man.
745
00:45:16,800 --> 00:45:20,998
Each tattoo tells a different tale.
They're like chapters of my life.
746
00:45:21,120 --> 00:45:24,351
Really? So, what's that one about?
747
00:45:26,360 --> 00:45:31,036
That one represents the dragon lady.
You might know her as Michelle Kwan.
748
00:45:31,160 --> 00:45:34,789
That's Michelle Kwan, most decorated
figure skater in US history?
749
00:45:34,920 --> 00:45:37,115
- You tapped that?
- Sure did.
750
00:45:37,720 --> 00:45:40,029
But perfection can drive a woman mad.
751
00:45:40,160 --> 00:45:41,991
She was ready to quit,
hang up her skates
752
00:45:42,120 --> 00:45:45,192
settle down and pop out
a few little Chazzlings.
753
00:45:45,320 --> 00:45:48,357
I couldn't let her do it, not the way I roll.
754
00:45:48,480 --> 00:45:50,914
So, what's that one with the horse?
755
00:45:51,920 --> 00:45:53,717
My blonde Ukrainian she-devil.
756
00:45:53,840 --> 00:45:55,876
Not Oksana Baiul?
757
00:45:56,000 --> 00:45:58,230
At 16, she won the gold, turned pro,
758
00:45:58,360 --> 00:46:01,989
and was named one of Barbara Walters'
most fascinating persons of 1994.
759
00:46:02,120 --> 00:46:06,193
Yeah. But don't let her fool you.
She's as cold as the ice she skates on.
760
00:46:06,840 --> 00:46:10,071
She's like dry ice.
Wait. She's colder than that.
761
00:46:10,200 --> 00:46:12,191
- What's colder than dry ice?
- I don't know.
762
00:46:12,320 --> 00:46:14,595
I'll tell you what is. Oksana.
763
00:46:18,960 --> 00:46:21,679
What about that one on your shoulder?
Who's that?
764
00:46:22,440 --> 00:46:24,396
That one? It's nothing.
765
00:46:25,360 --> 00:46:27,316
What about you? You got any tats?
766
00:46:27,440 --> 00:46:30,512
I had my face painted
at the Blueberry Festival one year.
767
00:46:30,640 --> 00:46:32,278
Seems about right.
768
00:46:32,400 --> 00:46:35,710
Well, I could have one.
I could have a killer one.
769
00:46:37,320 --> 00:46:40,630
I have a crush on the enemy,
Katie Van Waldenberg.
770
00:46:40,760 --> 00:46:41,954
Good choice, my man.
771
00:46:42,080 --> 00:46:43,832
Yeah. How's that for forbidden love?
772
00:46:43,960 --> 00:46:46,713
I have no idea, but I'd like to find out.
773
00:46:47,400 --> 00:46:49,789
- Wait. What are you doing?
- I'm calling her. Or rather, you are.
774
00:46:49,920 --> 00:46:51,672
- I can't do that. It's crazy.
- It's not crazy.
775
00:46:51,800 --> 00:46:52,915
What am I supposed to say?
776
00:46:53,040 --> 00:46:54,871
- No, you can't. I can't.
- It's ringing. Go.
777
00:46:58,640 --> 00:47:00,676
- Sorry.
- Maybe it's Nike.
778
00:47:02,440 --> 00:47:03,555
Van Waldenberg Companies.
779
00:47:03,680 --> 00:47:05,432
Talk. Relax.
780
00:47:06,400 --> 00:47:09,198
Hi. It's Jimmy MacElroy. Is Katie there?
781
00:47:10,360 --> 00:47:11,759
It's MacElroy, for her.
782
00:47:11,880 --> 00:47:13,711
What? For me? Why?
783
00:47:14,000 --> 00:47:15,718
- I can't do it.
- I'll coach you. Get on the phone.
784
00:47:15,920 --> 00:47:17,114
Stranz?
785
00:47:20,040 --> 00:47:20,995
Hello?
786
00:47:21,120 --> 00:47:23,953
Okay. "Yo. It's the Mac attack.
What up?"
787
00:47:24,480 --> 00:47:27,392
Yo. Hi. It's the Mac attack. What up?
788
00:47:27,720 --> 00:47:31,315
Okay. Say, "Oh, my, you're just
catching me getting out of the shower."
789
00:47:31,440 --> 00:47:33,715
- Sell yourself.
- Will you be quiet?
790
00:47:34,440 --> 00:47:36,556
You know, you just caught me
getting out of the shower.
791
00:47:36,680 --> 00:47:38,716
- She just got out of the shower.
- Oh, me likey.
792
00:47:38,840 --> 00:47:40,671
- I have to call her back. This is so rude.
- No! Are you insane?
793
00:47:40,800 --> 00:47:43,598
- She's gonna hear you.
- Get back on the phone. Say, "Shower?
794
00:47:43,720 --> 00:47:46,473
"I gotta get me one of those
'cause I just got back from the gym
795
00:47:46,600 --> 00:47:48,591
"doing my squat thrusts."
796
00:47:49,520 --> 00:47:51,750
I gotta...
Yeah, shower. I need one of those
797
00:47:51,880 --> 00:47:55,111
'cause I just got back from the gym
doing my squat thrusts.
798
00:47:55,240 --> 00:47:57,754
"Squat thrusts must be hard, real hard."
799
00:47:58,600 --> 00:47:59,669
Squat thrusts are hard.
800
00:48:00,040 --> 00:48:01,837
- "Real hard."
- Real hard.
801
00:48:02,240 --> 00:48:06,199
"They're hard, all right. But it's worth it
to get a sweet burn deep in your thigh."
802
00:48:06,320 --> 00:48:10,074
It's worth it to get a deep burn
in my sweet thighs.
803
00:48:10,440 --> 00:48:13,398
"You know
how you can soothe a nasty burn?
804
00:48:14,160 --> 00:48:15,832
"Pour some sweet cream on it."
805
00:48:16,160 --> 00:48:18,879
Do you know
what you can do for a burn?
806
00:48:19,000 --> 00:48:20,149
Pour sweet cream on it.
807
00:48:20,280 --> 00:48:22,191
Oh, my God, you've bagged a wild lynx.
808
00:48:22,320 --> 00:48:24,993
Okay, say, "Sounds to me like
your cream needs to be whipped",
809
00:48:25,120 --> 00:48:26,235
and then go...
810
00:48:29,240 --> 00:48:32,118
I was wondering if you wanted
to get a snow cone sometime?
811
00:48:32,240 --> 00:48:33,275
What?
812
00:48:33,400 --> 00:48:36,153
Yeah. I would like to get a snow cone.
813
00:48:36,600 --> 00:48:38,511
I haven't had a snow cone
in a couple of years, actually.
814
00:48:38,640 --> 00:48:39,629
No, you have to be sexy.
815
00:48:39,760 --> 00:48:41,751
Say you want a snow boner.
Snow boner.
816
00:48:41,880 --> 00:48:44,110
8:00 tonight. That sounds great.
817
00:48:44,240 --> 00:48:47,471
It will
"get me time to get my jugs waxed."
818
00:48:48,160 --> 00:48:50,310
Okay. Well, I'll see you.
819
00:48:50,960 --> 00:48:53,315
What happened? What's the word?
820
00:48:53,440 --> 00:48:55,670
8:00 tonight. We did it!
821
00:48:55,800 --> 00:48:57,119
Oh, my God!
822
00:48:58,040 --> 00:48:59,359
Nice lift.
823
00:49:01,280 --> 00:49:04,795
All right, listen up. You guys barely
squeaked by at Nationals.
824
00:49:04,920 --> 00:49:06,751
How are we gonna compete
against teams
825
00:49:06,880 --> 00:49:08,279
that have been doing this for years?
826
00:49:08,400 --> 00:49:09,753
There's only one way.
827
00:49:09,880 --> 00:49:13,793
Okay. What do you guys have
that none of the other teams have?
828
00:49:14,280 --> 00:49:15,872
- Twin dongs?
- Exactly.
829
00:49:16,000 --> 00:49:18,309
We have to do something
that only two men can do together.
830
00:49:18,440 --> 00:49:20,715
Something never seen before.
831
00:49:21,920 --> 00:49:23,831
Jesse, put in the tape.
832
00:49:24,520 --> 00:49:26,829
Come on. Put in the tape, Jesse.
833
00:49:33,520 --> 00:49:34,794
Thank you.
834
00:49:35,800 --> 00:49:39,759
Jimmy, I never told you this before,
but I used to coach pairs.
835
00:49:40,400 --> 00:49:43,119
I was on track
to head up the Olympic squad.
836
00:49:43,240 --> 00:49:45,879
I wanted it badly,
so I developed a move.
837
00:49:46,000 --> 00:49:49,629
A move the likes of which the world
had never seen before.
838
00:49:49,920 --> 00:49:53,151
A move so revolutionary, so dangerous
839
00:49:53,280 --> 00:49:57,717
that it would have catapulted the team
that stuck it straight to the top.
840
00:49:59,280 --> 00:50:00,998
And like many revolutionary ideas,
841
00:50:01,120 --> 00:50:03,873
it just scared the shit
out of the establishment.
842
00:50:05,000 --> 00:50:06,274
So I quit.
843
00:50:06,760 --> 00:50:11,515
And I took it to the one place on earth
batshit crazy enough to give it a try.
844
00:50:12,600 --> 00:50:13,589
North Korea.
845
00:50:13,720 --> 00:50:15,073
Of course.
846
00:50:15,200 --> 00:50:18,272
Behind the Bamboo Curtain, they call it
847
00:50:19,720 --> 00:50:21,472
"The Iron Lotus."
848
00:50:28,440 --> 00:50:30,874
Look at the grace, the beauty.
849
00:50:31,400 --> 00:50:34,358
They almost have it, until...
850
00:50:36,840 --> 00:50:38,239
Oh, my gosh.
851
00:50:42,480 --> 00:50:44,391
Okay.
What do you say, let's give it a try?
852
00:50:44,520 --> 00:50:47,876
- Are you nuts?
- What? That's crazy.
853
00:50:48,000 --> 00:50:49,069
Come on, what are you talking about?
854
00:50:49,200 --> 00:50:51,953
See, after all these years,
I know what went wrong.
855
00:50:52,080 --> 00:50:53,069
The physics were off.
856
00:50:53,200 --> 00:50:55,236
It was a man and a woman,
that's why it didn't work.
857
00:50:55,360 --> 00:50:57,828
You're two men. You should be fine.
858
00:50:59,960 --> 00:51:02,633
Be warned.
The Iron Lotus demands your respect.
859
00:51:02,760 --> 00:51:04,637
She has no time for Ione wolves, Chazz.
860
00:51:04,760 --> 00:51:07,149
Jimmy, you've gotta be willing
to improvise.
861
00:51:07,280 --> 00:51:09,316
You two are the last pieces
of the puzzle.
862
00:51:09,440 --> 00:51:11,158
Go on! Fit them together!
863
00:51:16,920 --> 00:51:18,717
Keep your speed up.
864
00:51:19,320 --> 00:51:20,639
Keep it up!
865
00:51:22,560 --> 00:51:24,915
Jimmy! Don't let your legs buckle!
866
00:51:25,360 --> 00:51:28,158
Come on, Chazz, focus! Focus!
867
00:51:35,640 --> 00:51:36,789
My nut-sack!
868
00:51:37,920 --> 00:51:40,434
You gotta be careful, man.
Unlike you, I actually use these things.
869
00:51:40,560 --> 00:51:41,913
Oh, yeah? Well...
870
00:51:42,040 --> 00:51:46,397
Well, well, yeah, you're right.
I'll try to be more careful next time.
871
00:51:47,080 --> 00:51:48,229
Sorry.
872
00:51:48,880 --> 00:51:52,077
Look, I didn't mean to drag your balls
into the discussion.
873
00:51:52,200 --> 00:51:55,431
That was uncalled for.
They're fine, I overreacted.
874
00:51:55,920 --> 00:51:57,990
All right, gentlemen,
let's get up and try it again.
875
00:52:05,360 --> 00:52:06,793
Let's do this.
876
00:52:14,280 --> 00:52:16,669
This was my favourite place growing up.
877
00:52:16,800 --> 00:52:18,631
By the way, you look really nice.
878
00:52:18,760 --> 00:52:22,753
Oh, really?
I like your glitter-tooth necklace thing.
879
00:52:22,880 --> 00:52:24,233
Oh, thanks.
880
00:52:24,880 --> 00:52:27,269
Foy, can I have another blue one?
881
00:52:27,800 --> 00:52:32,078
You guys were so good at Nationals,
it scared my brother and sister.
882
00:52:32,200 --> 00:52:35,192
- They wanted me to spy on you.
- Really?
883
00:52:35,320 --> 00:52:37,038
Is that why you're going out
with me right now?
884
00:52:37,160 --> 00:52:38,195
No!
885
00:52:39,480 --> 00:52:40,674
Really.
886
00:52:41,200 --> 00:52:44,715
I don't care if they win.
I don't care about skating at all.
887
00:52:44,840 --> 00:52:47,354
I mean, really,
what's so great about skating, anyway?
888
00:52:47,480 --> 00:52:50,074
It's basically just gliding,
trying not to fall,
889
00:52:50,200 --> 00:52:52,430
with a couple of jumps thrown in, right?
890
00:52:52,560 --> 00:52:55,757
And Spandex and glitter. Egos.
891
00:52:56,560 --> 00:52:57,549
Ice blows.
892
00:53:00,720 --> 00:53:01,835
Sorry.
893
00:53:02,400 --> 00:53:05,790
But it's not the ice.
It's what the ice lets you do.
894
00:53:06,520 --> 00:53:09,671
Out there, I feel like I can do anything.
895
00:53:10,320 --> 00:53:13,118
It's the only place
where life makes sense.
896
00:53:16,040 --> 00:53:17,155
You've never skated?
897
00:53:17,280 --> 00:53:18,952
When I was a kid, a little.
898
00:53:19,080 --> 00:53:21,878
But my brother and sister
don't like anyone to steal their focus.
899
00:53:22,000 --> 00:53:23,877
My life was nothing but focus.
900
00:53:24,000 --> 00:53:25,956
You know what I got
for my tenth birthday?
901
00:53:26,080 --> 00:53:29,152
A six-pack of protein shakes
and a subscription to Men's Health.
902
00:53:29,280 --> 00:53:31,032
I didn't have a tenth birthday.
903
00:53:31,160 --> 00:53:33,879
My sister told all my friends
I was in jail for armed robbery.
904
00:53:34,000 --> 00:53:37,037
When I was nine, my dad insisted
on having me circumcised
905
00:53:37,160 --> 00:53:38,752
to minimise wind resistance.
906
00:53:38,880 --> 00:53:42,316
While driving me to skating practice,
my parents were in a fatal accident.
907
00:53:42,440 --> 00:53:43,953
My brother and sister
blame me for their death
908
00:53:44,080 --> 00:53:46,958
and they force me to work for them
like a slave.
909
00:54:06,520 --> 00:54:07,555
Wow.
910
00:54:08,240 --> 00:54:11,949
I never really thought of that
as a romantic story before.
911
00:54:21,680 --> 00:54:25,798
So, how'd it go with your lady?
Carve up any ice with your wiener?
912
00:54:25,920 --> 00:54:28,309
All right, ladies, tea party's over.
913
00:54:28,440 --> 00:54:32,069
We got two days till Montreal.
I wanna see an Iron Lotus.
914
00:54:38,520 --> 00:54:39,999
Okay, try it again.
915
00:54:40,800 --> 00:54:43,189
You're gonna kill him! Watch the blade!
916
00:54:43,440 --> 00:54:44,509
Come on!
917
00:54:48,320 --> 00:54:49,799
Try it again!
918
00:54:55,200 --> 00:54:57,475
One more. I'm really close.
919
00:55:03,920 --> 00:55:08,072
Hello, and welcome, everyone,
to the Orbitz World Wintersport Games
920
00:55:08,200 --> 00:55:10,156
here in beautiful Montreal, Canada.
921
00:55:11,800 --> 00:55:14,997
The world turns its eyes
now to this frozen sanctuary
922
00:55:15,120 --> 00:55:17,918
as the globe's finest athletes
arrive to compete
923
00:55:18,040 --> 00:55:20,793
and to revel in the glory that is sport.
924
00:55:21,240 --> 00:55:24,994
And so, now we are honoured
to bring you the wonder, pageantry,
925
00:55:25,120 --> 00:55:29,796
and spectacle of these,
the 20th World Wintersport Games.
926
00:55:35,840 --> 00:55:37,558
Didn't you once say, and I quote,
927
00:55:37,680 --> 00:55:40,672
"Jimmy MacElroy
is a lifeless robot on the ice"?
928
00:55:40,800 --> 00:55:43,314
- He would never say such a...
- Yes, I did.
929
00:55:43,440 --> 00:55:46,716
But I was referring
to the precision and beauty of robots.
930
00:55:46,840 --> 00:55:48,512
If they'd published
the rest of the quote...
931
00:55:48,640 --> 00:55:51,598
They did publish the rest of your quote.
You go on to say,
932
00:55:51,720 --> 00:55:53,551
"I've had lint at the top of my ass crack
933
00:55:53,680 --> 00:55:56,592
"with more personality
than that Daddy's boy." End quote.
934
00:55:56,720 --> 00:55:59,154
All right,
Mr Smart Reporter, showing off.
935
00:55:59,280 --> 00:56:03,193
You figured out how to work
the Google on the Internet machine.
936
00:56:03,320 --> 00:56:04,912
Well, here's a new quote for you,
all right?
937
00:56:05,040 --> 00:56:09,033
Chazz Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy
are figure skating. Boom!
938
00:56:09,160 --> 00:56:10,309
Boom!
939
00:56:11,760 --> 00:56:14,957
Jimmy! Has pairs skating
helped your popularity?
940
00:56:15,560 --> 00:56:18,074
Absolutely.
I have the best fans in the world.
941
00:56:18,200 --> 00:56:21,112
I mean,
we have the best fans in the world.
942
00:56:25,920 --> 00:56:28,070
No, that's in the other room.
943
00:56:37,200 --> 00:56:38,315
Boom.
944
00:56:39,640 --> 00:56:40,755
Nice.
945
00:56:41,720 --> 00:56:44,154
Great! Press loves them,
and now so do the sponsors.
946
00:56:44,280 --> 00:56:45,349
Stranz!
947
00:56:45,480 --> 00:56:49,996
So, Katie, it looks like your date
went really well the other night, huh?
948
00:56:50,120 --> 00:56:52,839
What? I guess so. Why?
949
00:56:52,960 --> 00:56:54,996
No reason. I was just wondering
how it went. Did it go well?
950
00:56:55,120 --> 00:56:57,509
- Yeah, we had snow cones...
- Oh, that's so great.
951
00:56:57,640 --> 00:56:59,756
We want you to turn your attention
to Chazz now.
952
00:56:59,880 --> 00:57:00,835
What?
953
00:57:00,960 --> 00:57:03,793
MacElroy's heart is like
a beautiful apple that's in your hand
954
00:57:03,920 --> 00:57:05,478
and now you need to bite it.
955
00:57:05,600 --> 00:57:08,319
- Nothing breaks up a team faster than...
- Herpes.
956
00:57:08,920 --> 00:57:10,148
Jealousy.
957
00:57:10,480 --> 00:57:12,675
No. I'm not gonna make
Chazz Michael Michaels
958
00:57:12,800 --> 00:57:13,755
fall in love with me.
959
00:57:13,880 --> 00:57:15,836
Who's talking about love?
We just want you to have sex with him.
960
00:57:15,960 --> 00:57:18,474
What? No!
I am not gonna have sex with Chazz.
961
00:57:18,600 --> 00:57:21,398
Come on, Katie.
Do the honourable thing here.
962
00:57:21,520 --> 00:57:24,353
The honourable thing is to walk away
and that is exactly what I'm doing.
963
00:57:24,480 --> 00:57:28,268
Okay. Stranz, let her go. It's okay.
She's made up her mind.
964
00:57:29,480 --> 00:57:31,311
We'll just move on to Plan B.
965
00:57:32,280 --> 00:57:34,635
- What's Plan B?
- I'm sorry, don't worry about that.
966
00:57:34,760 --> 00:57:37,672
You stood your ground. Good for you.
We respect that.
967
00:57:37,800 --> 00:57:40,189
But if something should happen
to your new boyfriend's leg,
968
00:57:40,320 --> 00:57:43,471
I don't know, under his knee,
or above his ankle?
969
00:57:44,080 --> 00:57:46,719
At least you did the honourable thing.
970
00:57:52,000 --> 00:57:54,753
- Where're you going?
- Sex addicts meeting.
971
00:57:55,360 --> 00:57:57,828
- "Turn weakness into strength."
- Good for you.
972
00:57:57,960 --> 00:58:00,394
Thanks, brother man.
Have a good night.
973
00:58:00,520 --> 00:58:01,635
See ya!
974
00:58:05,000 --> 00:58:06,513
This must be for you.
975
00:58:17,840 --> 00:58:19,034
So glad you're all here.
976
00:58:19,520 --> 00:58:21,988
Okay, let's get started.
977
00:58:22,320 --> 00:58:25,790
Chazz, would you like
to start the day off by sharing?
978
00:58:26,360 --> 00:58:29,158
I was just trying to find some peace.
979
00:58:29,280 --> 00:58:32,192
A haven,
a place where I could feel safe.
980
00:58:33,160 --> 00:58:35,071
And then what happened?
981
00:58:36,160 --> 00:58:38,549
Well, she was my yoga instructor.
982
00:58:40,480 --> 00:58:42,471
So I knew she was limber.
983
00:58:42,760 --> 00:58:47,038
But, Chazz, you realise this would just
set you back
984
00:58:47,160 --> 00:58:49,754
and further hurt your progress
985
00:58:49,880 --> 00:58:51,996
in maintaining control over your libido,
correct?
986
00:58:52,120 --> 00:58:54,190
Yes. Thank you, Taylor.
987
00:58:54,880 --> 00:58:56,154
Definitely.
988
00:58:56,720 --> 00:59:02,272
Until her friend, a massage therapist,
walked in the door naked.
989
00:59:02,400 --> 00:59:03,389
Easy, Chazz.
990
00:59:03,520 --> 00:59:04,919
With a big bottle of canola oil
991
00:59:05,040 --> 00:59:08,749
and a monkey who was trained
to work on a video camera.
992
00:59:08,880 --> 00:59:10,871
And she rocked my world.
993
00:59:11,000 --> 00:59:12,228
Guys!
994
00:59:12,360 --> 00:59:16,148
Chazz, I have asked you to leave before
and I don't wanna do it again.
995
00:59:16,280 --> 00:59:17,315
Taylor, come on, man.
996
00:59:17,440 --> 00:59:20,910
Let's just move on.
Who'd like to talk about Chlamydia?
997
00:59:21,040 --> 00:59:23,918
Syphilis, gonorrhoea, et cetera.
Should we...
998
00:59:24,640 --> 00:59:27,393
Hi. I'm sorry I'm late. I was
999
00:59:28,600 --> 00:59:30,955
having sex. A lot.
1000
00:59:31,080 --> 00:59:32,752
Welcome. Welcome.
1001
00:59:32,880 --> 00:59:35,155
Why don't you go ahead
and introduce yourself?
1002
00:59:35,280 --> 00:59:36,633
I know her.
1003
00:59:36,760 --> 00:59:38,159
I'm Katie.
1004
00:59:38,280 --> 00:59:39,349
And?
1005
00:59:40,200 --> 00:59:42,031
Oh, and I'm a sex addict.
1006
00:59:42,160 --> 00:59:43,275
Hi, Katie.
1007
00:59:43,400 --> 00:59:44,469
Hey, Katie.
1008
00:59:45,760 --> 00:59:48,718
Wow, so, you're a sex addict, too.
1009
00:59:48,840 --> 00:59:50,796
Sex, sex, sex. What can I say?
1010
00:59:50,920 --> 00:59:54,754
Right. Right. I mean, you said it all.
It's such a burden.
1011
00:59:54,880 --> 00:59:57,519
I mean, people don't realise what
we go through on a day-to-day basis.
1012
00:59:57,640 --> 01:00:00,598
Why don't you come to my room tonight
and we can comfort each other?
1013
01:00:00,720 --> 01:00:02,358
11:55 sharp.
1014
01:00:06,080 --> 01:00:08,275
Come on, people, break it up!
1015
01:00:17,920 --> 01:00:21,390
God grant me the serenity not
to have sex with my friend's girlfriend
1016
01:00:21,520 --> 01:00:25,308
the courage to go home tonight without
having sex with my friend's girlfriend
1017
01:00:25,440 --> 01:00:26,919
and the wisdom
to know that masturbation
1018
01:00:27,040 --> 01:00:30,032
is sometimes
the most sensible solution.
1019
01:00:30,160 --> 01:00:31,513
Yeah. Okay.
1020
01:00:35,560 --> 01:00:36,879
Oh, sweet Jesus.
1021
01:00:37,000 --> 01:00:39,275
You're right on time. Come in.
1022
01:00:44,560 --> 01:00:45,595
Would you like some champagne?
1023
01:00:45,720 --> 01:00:47,995
No, I can't, I...
1024
01:00:48,640 --> 01:00:50,949
Actually I just came by 'cause
I had something I had to say to you.
1025
01:00:51,080 --> 01:00:52,069
What?
1026
01:00:52,200 --> 01:00:54,839
Do you have a bathrobe or a parka
you could...
1027
01:00:54,960 --> 01:00:56,951
Sorry. I'm hot.
1028
01:00:58,160 --> 01:00:59,195
Wouldn't you feel more comfortable
1029
01:00:59,320 --> 01:01:02,198
saying what you need to say
from the bed?
1030
01:01:02,320 --> 01:01:03,878
Probably not.
1031
01:01:04,000 --> 01:01:05,149
It's a Posturepedic.
1032
01:01:05,280 --> 01:01:08,317
Well, then, in that case,
it's good for my back,
1033
01:01:08,440 --> 01:01:10,476
so might as well try it.
1034
01:01:11,800 --> 01:01:13,916
Okay, here it goes.
1035
01:01:14,040 --> 01:01:17,953
I know that sex,
I know that sex addiction is a disease.
1036
01:01:18,080 --> 01:01:19,399
Oh, God, they feel so good.
1037
01:01:19,520 --> 01:01:20,953
Oh, God, this is so wrong.
1038
01:01:21,080 --> 01:01:22,593
Jimmy's my friend.
I'm not gonna do this.
1039
01:01:22,720 --> 01:01:23,914
Wait. Do you really mean that?
1040
01:01:24,040 --> 01:01:26,076
Yes, I think so. No.
1041
01:01:26,720 --> 01:01:29,154
Yes, I do. I do.
I can't go through with this.
1042
01:01:29,280 --> 01:01:30,315
Thank God.
1043
01:01:30,440 --> 01:01:32,158
- Oh, God, what a relief.
- Yeah.
1044
01:01:32,280 --> 01:01:33,918
He's got a heart of gold.
1045
01:01:36,160 --> 01:01:39,277
You sex demon! You, you sex fiend!
1046
01:01:39,400 --> 01:01:41,356
No, you got it all wrong.
1047
01:01:42,200 --> 01:01:44,270
Impure! Impure!
1048
01:01:44,400 --> 01:01:45,958
- Jimmy, wait!
- Hey, wait! Brother man!
1049
01:01:46,080 --> 01:01:48,071
- Nothing happened!
- Jimmy!
1050
01:01:50,120 --> 01:01:51,917
Wait! Jimmy!
1051
01:01:52,040 --> 01:01:53,837
- Get away!
- Jimmy! No!
1052
01:01:54,480 --> 01:01:55,879
Damn it.
1053
01:01:59,640 --> 01:02:01,756
Come on, pick up. Come on, buddy.
1054
01:02:01,960 --> 01:02:04,872
Hey, it's Jimmy.
If you can dream it, you can do it.
1055
01:02:05,040 --> 01:02:06,553
Jimmy, it's me, Chazz.
1056
01:02:06,680 --> 01:02:10,116
Look, what happened back there,
so not a big deal.
1057
01:02:10,240 --> 01:02:14,552
Just think of it as like a boob handshake
between me and your lady's...
1058
01:02:14,680 --> 01:02:18,150
Look, that's not coming out right.
I'll explain it. Call me back, please.
1059
01:02:18,280 --> 01:02:19,793
It's me, Chazz.
1060
01:02:21,120 --> 01:02:22,633
I'm committed to this thing
called friendship.
1061
01:02:22,760 --> 01:02:23,829
And I ain't going nowhere.
1062
01:02:23,960 --> 01:02:26,349
And if you think I'm going anywhere,
you're wrong. You know why?
1063
01:02:26,480 --> 01:02:28,550
Because I will not back down, ever!
1064
01:02:28,680 --> 01:02:32,514
I've won a lot of radio contests,
because I refused to get off the line!
1065
01:02:32,640 --> 01:02:36,918
If we went to a Halloween party dressed
as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin.
1066
01:02:37,040 --> 01:02:38,598
That's how much you mean to me.
1067
01:02:38,720 --> 01:02:40,870
That was stupid that I said that.
You know what? No.
1068
01:02:41,000 --> 01:02:43,355
I don't think that's stupid.
I'm glad that I said that.
1069
01:02:43,840 --> 01:02:45,114
Hey, turd-face, guess what?
1070
01:02:45,240 --> 01:02:46,559
I've taken every single one
of your teddy bears,
1071
01:02:46,680 --> 01:02:48,796
and I've stuffed them down my pants.
1072
01:02:48,920 --> 01:02:52,390
Hey, yikes. Sorry.
1073
01:02:53,200 --> 01:02:57,910
For about a month,
my urine smelled like marshmallows.
1074
01:02:58,520 --> 01:03:01,353
Don't wanna close my eyes
1075
01:03:01,960 --> 01:03:06,556
Don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I miss you Jimmy
1076
01:03:06,880 --> 01:03:10,316
And I don't wanna miss a thing
1077
01:03:11,040 --> 01:03:14,032
So call me back now!
1078
01:03:17,160 --> 01:03:19,594
It's Jimmy.
If you can dream it, you can do it.
1079
01:03:20,200 --> 01:03:24,876
Hey, it's me again. Jimmy, please,
call me back, so I can explain.
1080
01:03:26,840 --> 01:03:31,470
Wow! Nice work.
Somebody got busy in a big way.
1081
01:03:31,600 --> 01:03:33,272
Scene of the crime.
1082
01:03:33,720 --> 01:03:35,836
For your information,
I didn't have sex with Chazz.
1083
01:03:35,960 --> 01:03:37,313
Fine. "Make love." Whatever.
1084
01:03:37,440 --> 01:03:38,793
I didn't sleep with Chazz.
1085
01:03:38,920 --> 01:03:40,592
- What?
- But congratulations!
1086
01:03:40,720 --> 01:03:43,553
- I feel as slimy as if I had.
- Where do you think you're going?
1087
01:03:43,680 --> 01:03:46,433
To make this right!
Jimmy needs to know the truth!
1088
01:03:46,560 --> 01:03:48,073
You would do that to your own family?
1089
01:03:48,200 --> 01:03:49,394
Don't give me that guilt trip.
1090
01:03:49,520 --> 01:03:52,637
After all we've done for you?
After all you did to Mom and Dad?
1091
01:03:52,760 --> 01:03:55,069
Mom and Dad
were not wearing their seatbelts
1092
01:03:55,200 --> 01:03:58,510
and they made
an improper left-hand turn.
1093
01:03:59,280 --> 01:04:01,555
Come on, Katie, don't go.
We love you and stuff.
1094
01:04:01,680 --> 01:04:04,319
Look, it's up to us, okay?
1095
01:04:04,440 --> 01:04:08,592
We are forced to take Michaels and
MacElroy out of play, no matter what.
1096
01:04:08,720 --> 01:04:11,359
That might require some bad behaviour.
1097
01:04:12,640 --> 01:04:16,952
Hello, and welcome to day three
of the Orbitz World Wintersport Games.
1098
01:04:17,080 --> 01:04:19,594
The best Chinese and Russian pairs
have fallen away,
1099
01:04:19,720 --> 01:04:22,154
setting up
the ultimate gold medal showdown.
1100
01:04:22,280 --> 01:04:26,956
Just two pairs remain. Both American.
Both hell-bent on reaching the top.
1101
01:04:27,680 --> 01:04:31,229
And it's come down to this.
Tonight, they leave it all on the ice.
1102
01:04:31,360 --> 01:04:32,554
The big story here is
1103
01:04:32,680 --> 01:04:35,513
the men's pairs figure skating team
of Michaels and MacElroy.
1104
01:04:35,640 --> 01:04:37,790
These same-gendered sensations
have taken
1105
01:04:37,920 --> 01:04:40,639
centre ice in the hearts of
millions of skating fans everywhere.
1106
01:04:40,760 --> 01:04:42,876
They've literally taken this sport
by storm.
1107
01:04:47,880 --> 01:04:48,869
Jimmy.
1108
01:04:49,120 --> 01:04:51,873
Jimmy's here at the arena, you ass.
1109
01:04:52,520 --> 01:04:55,796
He's been staring at a pack of gum
for nine hours. What'd you do to him?
1110
01:04:56,040 --> 01:04:57,519
I'm on my way.
1111
01:05:03,200 --> 01:05:04,394
Taxi!
1112
01:05:10,080 --> 01:05:14,073
World Wintersport Games.
And yes, I am Chazz Michael Michaels.
1113
01:05:15,520 --> 01:05:17,158
- Hey, Stranz.
- Hi.
1114
01:05:19,480 --> 01:05:23,712
Skaters, please clear the ice
in preparation for the pairs competition.
1115
01:05:37,160 --> 01:05:38,513
Thank you so much.
1116
01:05:39,360 --> 01:05:40,952
Oh, my gosh. Can you...
1117
01:05:43,080 --> 01:05:45,548
Sorry, Chazz. Nothing personal.
1118
01:05:48,120 --> 01:05:49,951
Actually, it's quite the opposite.
1119
01:05:50,080 --> 01:05:53,356
See, your days of
stealing the spotlight are over.
1120
01:05:56,960 --> 01:05:58,871
You crazy bastard!
1121
01:06:06,880 --> 01:06:08,108
Damn it.
1122
01:06:15,160 --> 01:06:16,559
What are you doing?
1123
01:06:20,080 --> 01:06:21,672
You are evil. Pure evil!
1124
01:06:21,800 --> 01:06:24,268
Your whole family's evil! Your brother.
1125
01:06:24,840 --> 01:06:26,034
And most of all, your sister.
1126
01:06:26,160 --> 01:06:28,435
Don't even think about putting us
in the same league.
1127
01:06:28,560 --> 01:06:30,835
If she was half the woman I was,
she would have done her job
1128
01:06:30,960 --> 01:06:32,791
and slept with your partner
like I told her to.
1129
01:06:32,920 --> 01:06:34,433
- She didn't?
- No.
1130
01:06:34,560 --> 01:06:36,790
She couldn't, because of you.
1131
01:06:37,320 --> 01:06:38,799
I don't get it.
1132
01:06:41,200 --> 01:06:44,033
Gross. Get me out of here!
Somebody help me!
1133
01:07:02,640 --> 01:07:05,200
Whoever invented rope
was a real a-hole.
1134
01:07:05,800 --> 01:07:10,396
I'm late, sis.
My hair is just not cooperating.
1135
01:07:11,800 --> 01:07:13,279
Oh, crap.
1136
01:07:17,480 --> 01:07:18,595
Okay.
1137
01:07:21,320 --> 01:07:23,436
Who's gonna save you now, Chazz?
1138
01:07:23,560 --> 01:07:27,155
Is Little Lord MacElroy gonna come
and meet you down here?
1139
01:07:41,400 --> 01:07:42,958
Oh, great.
1140
01:07:55,720 --> 01:07:57,312
Hey, there!
1141
01:07:57,760 --> 01:08:01,070
What are you doing there?
No. Wait, wait. It's okay. No.
1142
01:08:01,200 --> 01:08:03,350
Stranger danger! Stranger danger!
1143
01:08:03,480 --> 01:08:05,118
No, please!
1144
01:08:25,960 --> 01:08:27,837
Let's do it, Chazz!
1145
01:08:27,960 --> 01:08:31,919
All right, Stranz.
Time for a little Chazzle Dazzle.
1146
01:08:44,560 --> 01:08:45,834
Beautiful.
1147
01:08:47,640 --> 01:08:49,358
I'm coming, Chazz.
1148
01:09:40,320 --> 01:09:41,958
Give me your hand.
1149
01:09:42,480 --> 01:09:44,471
- I won't hurt you.
- I'm coming for you, Chazz!
1150
01:09:44,600 --> 01:09:46,192
Damn it, Stranz.
1151
01:09:47,240 --> 01:09:49,071
Have you seen Jimmy?
I can't find him anywhere.
1152
01:09:49,200 --> 01:09:50,349
Oh, yeah. He was here a minute ago.
1153
01:09:50,480 --> 01:09:53,358
And if you find him, would you tell him
to get his ass down here?
1154
01:10:01,160 --> 01:10:02,559
I really appreciate this.
1155
01:10:02,680 --> 01:10:06,309
That man who's chasing us
is trying to kill me. So, thanks.
1156
01:10:30,000 --> 01:10:32,992
Who are you supposed to be anyway?
Rod Serling?
1157
01:10:33,440 --> 01:10:34,919
JFK.
1158
01:10:36,360 --> 01:10:39,989
- It's gonna make sense.
- No, no, no. It'll be fine. Yeah.
1159
01:10:41,360 --> 01:10:42,679
That's lame.
1160
01:10:47,280 --> 01:10:49,191
Try to get through that!
1161
01:10:56,240 --> 01:10:57,912
Don't make me kill her.
1162
01:11:09,160 --> 01:11:10,718
Snowflake!
1163
01:11:51,640 --> 01:11:52,789
From the United States,
1164
01:11:52,920 --> 01:11:56,310
the pairs team of
Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg.
1165
01:11:58,080 --> 01:12:01,231
So, the favourites,
Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg
1166
01:12:01,360 --> 01:12:02,588
now taking the ice.
1167
01:12:02,720 --> 01:12:04,278
As Marilyn Monroe and JFK,
1168
01:12:04,400 --> 01:12:07,472
they'll be dramatising
a forbidden romance, Jim.
1169
01:12:07,960 --> 01:12:12,078
I take pride in the words,
"Ich bin ein Berliner!"
1170
01:12:26,760 --> 01:12:29,069
Calling for preparation on ice
of the United States team
1171
01:12:29,200 --> 01:12:31,111
of Michaels and MacElroy.
1172
01:12:33,080 --> 01:12:35,150
Well, that was an interesting take
on American history.
1173
01:12:35,280 --> 01:12:37,191
Indeed. I think it's worth noting,
1174
01:12:37,320 --> 01:12:40,551
the fantastic attention to detail
this pair has demonstrated.
1175
01:12:40,680 --> 01:12:44,309
An absolutely seamless use of props
integrated into choreography,
1176
01:12:44,440 --> 01:12:48,035
that is both physically impressive
and artistically moving.
1177
01:12:48,160 --> 01:12:51,072
A rare ballet of ice and history.
1178
01:12:51,200 --> 01:12:54,636
And those scores keep Stranz
and Fairchild in first place,
1179
01:12:54,760 --> 01:12:56,751
but Michaels and MacElroy are up next.
1180
01:12:57,200 --> 01:13:00,749
Coach! Coach! Did I make it in time?
Where's Chazz?
1181
01:13:00,880 --> 01:13:01,949
Where the hell you been?
1182
01:13:02,080 --> 01:13:04,196
Your partner's not here in 30 seconds,
I have to disqualify you.
1183
01:13:04,320 --> 01:13:05,275
I know, I know.
1184
01:13:06,280 --> 01:13:10,398
We're finished. Done. That's it. It's over.
Damn it. Just like that.
1185
01:13:11,440 --> 01:13:13,476
Coach, he'll be here.
1186
01:13:24,800 --> 01:13:26,199
Skaters to the ice.
1187
01:13:26,320 --> 01:13:29,198
Twenty seconds to disqualification.
1188
01:13:29,320 --> 01:13:32,551
Jimmy MacElroy stands alone
at centre ice.
1189
01:13:32,680 --> 01:13:35,672
And you have to wonder
what is going on.
1190
01:13:35,800 --> 01:13:38,758
Well, this is Rice without Montana.
1191
01:13:39,320 --> 01:13:42,869
Ali without Frazier.
Han Solo without Chewbacca.
1192
01:13:43,960 --> 01:13:45,109
Jimmy!
1193
01:13:48,760 --> 01:13:50,751
Hey, Jimmy! Jimmy!
1194
01:13:50,880 --> 01:13:52,074
Chazz!
1195
01:13:52,480 --> 01:13:56,109
Hey, I didn't sleep with Katie!
1196
01:13:56,240 --> 01:13:58,879
- I know!
- We didn't even get to second base.
1197
01:13:59,000 --> 01:14:00,831
Well, maybe I did.
1198
01:14:00,960 --> 01:14:03,190
What I felt in my pants
was weird and shameful.
1199
01:14:03,320 --> 01:14:04,912
Okay, we can discuss that later!
1200
01:14:05,040 --> 01:14:06,029
You kind of have to be down here
right now
1201
01:14:06,160 --> 01:14:07,434
or we're gonna be disqualified!
1202
01:14:07,560 --> 01:14:09,278
Katie is not a whore!
1203
01:14:09,400 --> 01:14:12,153
Okay, I get it! Just stop talking!
1204
01:14:12,280 --> 01:14:13,599
Okay! Okay!
1205
01:14:13,720 --> 01:14:15,551
- Skaters to the ice.
- Hold on!
1206
01:14:15,680 --> 01:14:18,194
Ten seconds to disqualification.
1207
01:14:21,400 --> 01:14:22,549
Wow.
1208
01:14:29,920 --> 01:14:31,035
Yeah!
1209
01:14:38,560 --> 01:14:42,075
Wow! A dramatic entrance
for Chazz Michael Michaels.
1210
01:14:43,000 --> 01:14:44,592
I'm okay!
1211
01:14:45,720 --> 01:14:46,869
I'm all right!
1212
01:14:50,080 --> 01:14:51,308
I'm okay.
1213
01:14:57,080 --> 01:14:59,036
And there's another
unique Michaels skill.
1214
01:14:59,160 --> 01:15:02,277
Out of his clothes in a hurry
when he has to.
1215
01:15:02,400 --> 01:15:03,549
And women's skating champion
1216
01:15:03,680 --> 01:15:06,069
Sasha Cohen
catches Michaels'jock strap.
1217
01:15:06,200 --> 01:15:07,997
I love you, Chazz!
1218
01:15:15,120 --> 01:15:16,917
- I made it.
- I knew you would.
1219
01:15:17,360 --> 01:15:18,554
Let's capture the dream.
1220
01:15:18,680 --> 01:15:21,353
Capture the... I love it.
Where'd you come up with that?
1221
01:15:21,480 --> 01:15:23,914
- I have no idea where I came up with it.
- Cool.
1222
01:15:24,200 --> 01:15:26,270
- Let's kick some ice.
- Okay.
1223
01:15:31,080 --> 01:15:33,913
Well, Scott, the boys seem to be
using a science fiction theme tonight.
1224
01:15:34,040 --> 01:15:37,476
Fitting, considering these two men
may very well be the future of the sport.
1225
01:15:37,600 --> 01:15:38,794
Well, I'll tell you something, Jim.
1226
01:15:38,920 --> 01:15:41,195
It's like these two men did
beam in from outer space,
1227
01:15:41,320 --> 01:15:43,515
to flip this sport inside out.
1228
01:15:50,200 --> 01:15:51,679
The lights are on and so is this crowd.
1229
01:15:51,800 --> 01:15:54,234
A Mr Roboto to start the routine.
1230
01:15:56,480 --> 01:15:58,675
And they hit it beautifully!
1231
01:16:01,000 --> 01:16:03,800
Everything they do
is drenched in drama.
1232
01:16:06,760 --> 01:16:08,830
Side-by-side skate clashes.
1233
01:16:18,640 --> 01:16:20,710
And more sparks!
Look at the athleticism here!
1234
01:16:20,840 --> 01:16:22,637
No other pair in the world could do this!
1235
01:16:22,760 --> 01:16:25,035
Fireworks display in Montreal.
1236
01:16:25,160 --> 01:16:26,673
Incredible.
1237
01:16:31,680 --> 01:16:32,874
What are you doing?
1238
01:16:33,000 --> 01:16:35,798
We're freestyling.
You're the steak, I'm the sizzle.
1239
01:16:35,920 --> 01:16:36,875
We didn't practise that.
1240
01:16:37,000 --> 01:16:40,197
Do it for Katie.
Burn up the ice with your red hot love.
1241
01:16:54,000 --> 01:16:56,639
Michaels and MacElroy
turn up the thermostat.
1242
01:16:56,760 --> 01:16:59,513
These guys put the "bone" in Zamboni.
1243
01:17:00,040 --> 01:17:01,189
It's over.
1244
01:17:01,320 --> 01:17:02,753
All the endorsements, everything gone.
1245
01:17:02,880 --> 01:17:05,075
Oh, my God, I can't get a real job.
It'll kill me.
1246
01:17:05,200 --> 01:17:08,033
God, I have to do everything
in this family.
1247
01:17:20,360 --> 01:17:22,920
A serious stumble
in an otherwise perfect routine.
1248
01:17:23,040 --> 01:17:25,998
Perfection's what they need if
they want to beat Stranz and Fairchild.
1249
01:17:26,120 --> 01:17:28,076
- I think I broke my ankle.
- What?
1250
01:17:28,200 --> 01:17:30,475
I'm gonna put some weight on it to see.
1251
01:17:33,240 --> 01:17:36,232
I don't know, Scott.
I'm not sure, interpretive dance moves
1252
01:17:36,360 --> 01:17:37,839
are gonna win these judges over.
1253
01:17:37,960 --> 01:17:39,916
- What the hell are they doing?
- Something's wrong.
1254
01:17:40,040 --> 01:17:42,508
I can't do the Lotus
with a shattered ankle.
1255
01:17:42,640 --> 01:17:44,870
I'm just a man, for God's sake.
1256
01:17:46,040 --> 01:17:47,234
We'll switch places.
1257
01:17:47,360 --> 01:17:49,635
I swear to God, if you cut my head off.
1258
01:17:52,480 --> 01:17:54,471
They're going for the Iron Lotus,
in reverse.
1259
01:17:54,600 --> 01:17:56,955
My God.
This is happening all over again.
1260
01:18:00,120 --> 01:18:02,509
They're picking up speed
for something spectacular.
1261
01:18:02,640 --> 01:18:04,631
Looks like
they might be trying something
1262
01:18:04,760 --> 01:18:06,239
I have never seen done.
1263
01:18:06,360 --> 01:18:08,715
It is the fabled Iron Lotus.
1264
01:18:08,840 --> 01:18:12,196
No! Don't do it! I was wrong!
It's suicide!
1265
01:18:54,840 --> 01:18:57,991
And they nail it!
Unbelievable performance!
1266
01:18:58,120 --> 01:19:00,680
This crowd is going wild!
They're on their feet!
1267
01:19:00,800 --> 01:19:04,952
I never thought I'd see it with
my own eyes, the fabled Iron Lotus!
1268
01:19:05,080 --> 01:19:08,072
A historic event here in Montreal.
1269
01:19:08,200 --> 01:19:11,112
Michaels and MacElroy
have brought the legend to life.
1270
01:19:11,360 --> 01:19:13,237
Scott, I seem to have wet my pants.
1271
01:19:13,360 --> 01:19:15,237
Chazz, Chazz. We did it!
1272
01:19:15,720 --> 01:19:17,756
- Did we win?
- I don't know.
1273
01:19:18,360 --> 01:19:20,351
I think I see the Virgin Mary.
1274
01:19:20,480 --> 01:19:22,118
No. That's not her.
1275
01:19:26,600 --> 01:19:29,319
We got you, Mr Michaels. Let's go.
1276
01:19:31,600 --> 01:19:33,079
- Oh, I don't wanna die.
- You'll be okay.
1277
01:19:33,200 --> 01:19:36,431
- I don't wanna die.
- Take a huff of that. Here we go.
1278
01:19:36,560 --> 01:19:38,039
I'm gonna have to cut your pants off.
1279
01:19:38,160 --> 01:19:41,596
Okay, but start up near the crotch.
That's a better access point.
1280
01:19:53,760 --> 01:19:54,954
You were incredible.
1281
01:19:55,080 --> 01:19:58,356
Really?
I thought my landing was all bad...
1282
01:20:03,080 --> 01:20:04,718
You've been practising.
1283
01:20:04,840 --> 01:20:06,956
Chazz taught me some stuff.
1284
01:20:19,600 --> 01:20:21,079
Stranz Van Waldenberg.
1285
01:20:21,200 --> 01:20:24,829
You're under arrest for the desecration
of an international icon.
1286
01:20:24,960 --> 01:20:26,188
Snowflake.
1287
01:20:27,280 --> 01:20:30,158
- It was her idea. She broke his ankle!
- What?
1288
01:20:31,240 --> 01:20:32,434
You idiot!
1289
01:20:32,560 --> 01:20:33,913
I hate you.
1290
01:20:40,800 --> 01:20:42,358
Come on now. Let's get out of here.
1291
01:20:42,480 --> 01:20:44,550
And that's why I was a sex addict.
1292
01:20:44,680 --> 01:20:46,875
Because no one ever loved me.
1293
01:20:47,560 --> 01:20:50,074
But I learned something here today.
1294
01:20:50,200 --> 01:20:53,192
That ice doesn't belong here.
1295
01:20:54,200 --> 01:20:55,952
It belongs out there.
1296
01:20:56,200 --> 01:20:59,351
Out on the ice in an ice rink.
1297
01:21:00,400 --> 01:21:02,516
I never had a father, okay?
1298
01:21:03,000 --> 01:21:04,592
But I don't care!
1299
01:21:04,960 --> 01:21:07,235
Because now I've got a brother.
1300
01:21:09,240 --> 01:21:10,878
This is my brother!
1301
01:21:11,160 --> 01:21:13,833
And this is my brother's new girlfriend.
1302
01:21:15,480 --> 01:21:17,436
And she is not a whore.
1303
01:21:18,320 --> 01:21:20,880
I'm in a lot of pain.
I feel like I'm gonna barf.
1304
01:21:21,000 --> 01:21:23,719
Chazz, they got to get you to a hospital.
Come on.
1305
01:21:23,840 --> 01:21:27,469
No. And miss the smell of sweet gold?
1306
01:21:29,080 --> 01:21:30,672
Not on your life.
1307
01:21:42,320 --> 01:21:43,469
Thank you.
1308
01:21:46,080 --> 01:21:49,550
Jimmy, you did it!
The gold medal, baby! You did it!
1309
01:21:49,680 --> 01:21:52,433
I wanna wear the gold medal, naked.
1310
01:21:53,120 --> 01:21:54,473
Thank you.
1311
01:22:01,360 --> 01:22:05,273
I've got something I wanna show you.
I had it done last weekend.
1312
01:22:08,360 --> 01:22:12,592
That's you,
the wolf that runs with the Lone Wolf.
1313
01:22:12,720 --> 01:22:15,951
So that the Lone Wolf
never has to be alone again.
1314
01:22:16,080 --> 01:22:18,036
That's how much you mean to me, bro.
1315
01:22:18,160 --> 01:22:19,479
You were drunk when you got it,
weren't you?
1316
01:22:19,600 --> 01:22:21,591
Yes. Absolutely hammered.
1317
01:22:22,440 --> 01:22:24,715
- Welcome to the pack.
- Thanks.
1318
01:22:26,200 --> 01:22:27,713
Let's get outta here.
1319
01:22:27,840 --> 01:22:29,239
- Now?
- Yeah.
1320
01:24:15,320 --> 01:24:16,833
USA!
1321
01:24:17,320 --> 01:24:20,676
The gold medal has been won
by Jimmy and Chazz,
1322
01:24:20,800 --> 01:24:23,030
thanks to Hector's idea!
1323
01:24:23,680 --> 01:24:25,033
We did it, Hector!
1324
01:24:25,200 --> 01:24:26,918
Boom! We sure did.
1325
01:24:27,360 --> 01:24:29,794
Thank you, Hector. He did it for us.
1326
01:24:30,440 --> 01:24:31,873
Where is Hector?
1327
01:24:32,000 --> 01:24:34,639
Here I am, guys. We did it. High-fives.
1328
01:24:35,080 --> 01:24:37,833
Cool. Way to go, guys. Gold medal.
1329
01:24:37,960 --> 01:24:40,713
You guys are the best. Hey, Jimmy?
1330
01:24:40,840 --> 01:24:42,353
Yeah, Hector?
1331
01:24:42,800 --> 01:24:44,916
Can you give me a time-out here
with Chazz?
1332
01:24:45,040 --> 01:24:46,553
Yeah, sure. Are you crying?
1333
01:24:46,680 --> 01:24:48,352
No. I'm fine.
1334
01:24:48,800 --> 01:24:52,190
Okay. I'll go over here. Sandwich.
1335
01:24:52,840 --> 01:24:54,478
Hey. Chazz?
1336
01:24:54,960 --> 01:24:56,598
What is it? Boom.
1337
01:24:56,720 --> 01:24:59,632
I just wanna say
you guys are partners now.
1338
01:25:00,120 --> 01:25:01,758
I've been friends with him forever,
1339
01:25:01,880 --> 01:25:03,950
and you take good care of him.
1340
01:25:04,080 --> 01:25:05,559
I will. Boom.
1341
01:25:05,680 --> 01:25:07,557
He just, he loves food.
1342
01:25:07,680 --> 01:25:10,433
And he likes dreams and whispers
1343
01:25:10,560 --> 01:25:12,915
and his favourite movie is Short Circuit
1344
01:25:13,040 --> 01:25:14,917
and Fried Green Tomatoes.
1345
01:25:15,040 --> 01:25:17,634
And just watch over him. All right?
1346
01:25:17,760 --> 01:25:20,558
I will. Boom.
You have my word. High-five.
1347
01:25:21,200 --> 01:25:22,633
God bless you.
1348
01:25:23,080 --> 01:25:25,275
Sweet. Jimmy, you can come back.
1349
01:25:25,400 --> 01:25:27,197
What you guys were talking about?
1350
01:25:27,320 --> 01:25:29,151
Just stuff, you know.
1351
01:25:29,280 --> 01:25:31,396
Hey, guys, you're amazing.
1352
01:25:31,520 --> 01:25:33,954
I just wanna say keep dreaming
1353
01:25:34,320 --> 01:25:36,959
because there's a lot of dreams
to be had.
1354
01:25:37,080 --> 01:25:38,308
USA.
1355
01:25:40,520 --> 01:25:41,748
USA.