1
00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:07,117
- [ Applause ]
- [ Cheering ]
2
00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:11,488
DODD: Keep it going
for the next performer,
3
00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:14,166
my man, Mr. Kumail Nanjiani.
4
00:01:14,783 --> 00:01:16,663
- [ Applause continues]
- [ Cheering continues ]
5
00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:19,333
KUMAILI Hello.
6
00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:22,090
Um, I'll tell you about myself.
7
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:24,339
I grew up in Pakistan.
8
00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:25,965
And people are always asking me,
9
00:01:26,044 --> 00:01:27,091
"What was that like?"
10
00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:28,672
[ Scattered laughter]
11
00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:30,928
Really not that different
from here.
12
00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:32,850
I mean, we played cricket,
13
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:35,896
which is just a spicier version
of baseball.
14
00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:38,057
And we prayed a lot.
15
00:01:38,140 --> 00:01:40,313
Well, not a lot.
Just five times a day.
16
00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:41,393
[Audience laughs ]
17
00:01:41,476 --> 00:01:44,070
And we marry someone
our parents find for us,
18
00:01:44,146 --> 00:01:45,614
arranged marriage, you know?
19
00:01:46,064 --> 00:01:47,987
But, for me, it was probably
that we got episodes
20
00:01:48,066 --> 00:01:50,239
of Knight Rider
a little bit later.
21
00:01:50,319 --> 00:01:51,536
And by "little bit later,"
22
00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:54,035
I mean, we just got episode two.
23
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:55,161
[Audience laughs ]
24
00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,618
But other than that,
it was exactly the same.
25
00:01:57,701 --> 00:01:59,328
[ "Devils Haircut" by Beck waving]
26
00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:06,093
♪ Somethin's wrong
'cause my mind is fading 4'
27
00:02:06,168 --> 00:02:09,968
♪ And everywhere I look
there's a dead end waiting 4'
28
00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:14,143
♪ Temperature's dropping
at the rotten oasis 4'
29
00:02:14,217 --> 00:02:17,812
♪ Stealing kisses
from the leprous faces 3'
30
00:02:19,848 --> 00:02:23,773
♪ Got a devil's haircut
in my mind A'
31
00:02:23,852 --> 00:02:27,698
♪ Got a devil's haircut
in my mind A'
32
00:02:27,773 --> 00:02:31,277
♪ Got a devil's haircut
in my mind... A'
33
00:02:31,526 --> 00:02:34,996
So, these are
my real journals, honestly.
34
00:02:35,072 --> 00:02:37,120
And this is the woman
who wrote them.
35
00:02:37,199 --> 00:02:38,667
- PoorgaL - [ Audience laughs ]
36
00:02:38,742 --> 00:02:41,211
Yeah. She... She has
no idea that, like,
37
00:02:41,286 --> 00:02:43,288
giant titties are about to sprout
38
00:02:43,372 --> 00:02:45,841
and change her life dramatically.
39
00:02:46,124 --> 00:02:47,501
So, uh, thank you, guys...
40
00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:50,053
There's no bad crowds, dude,
only bad comedians.
41
00:02:50,128 --> 00:02:51,773
You complain about the crowd,
like, all the time.
42
00:02:51,797 --> 00:02:53,549
Yeah, like, that's when
they're really bad.
43
00:02:53,632 --> 00:02:55,485
That's, like, 90% of the time
they're really bad.
44
00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:57,236
Look, will you just watch
and give me notes tonight?
45
00:02:57,260 --> 00:02:58,102
All right?
46
00:02:58,178 --> 00:02:59,447
If we both give each other
notes, I think it helps.
47
00:02:59,471 --> 00:03:01,324
Your notes are just,
"Add more fucks into the bit."
48
00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:03,076
- That doesn't help anybody.
- Hey, fuck's a funny word.
49
00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:04,452
It's soft on the top,
and it's hard on the end.
50
00:03:04,476 --> 00:03:05,523
That was truly horrible.
51
00:03:05,602 --> 00:03:06,663
- That was so bad.
- What happened?
52
00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:08,367
- Just watch.
- I'll watch, give you notes.
53
00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:09,707
- All right. Thank you.
- Hey, that was great.
54
00:03:09,731 --> 00:03:11,529
No, he didn't even crack a smile.
55
00:03:11,608 --> 00:03:13,406
- I thought I was gonna puke.
- Who?
56
00:03:13,652 --> 00:03:14,778
Bob Dalavan.
57
00:03:15,570 --> 00:03:16,571
Who's Bob Dalavan?
58
00:03:16,655 --> 00:03:19,374
Bob Dalavan works
for the Montreal Comedy Festival,
59
00:03:19,449 --> 00:03:20,996
you fucking doof.
60
00:03:21,076 --> 00:03:22,123
- He's here?
- CJ: Yes.
61
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:23,402
Don't you want to get noticed?
62
00:03:23,620 --> 00:03:24,764
Don't you want to move to L.A.?
63
00:03:24,788 --> 00:03:26,836
Hang out with Elijah Wood,
and shit?
64
00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:28,296
Nobody's on stage?
65
00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:29,547
No.
66
00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:32,925
He might've been doing cocaine.
67
00:03:33,004 --> 00:03:34,756
Was he doing cocaine
recreationally?
68
00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:35,841
True cokehead.
69
00:03:35,924 --> 00:03:36,984
- Cocaine.
- I wonder if he was.
70
00:03:37,008 --> 00:03:38,635
[Audience applauding ]
71
00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:40,312
Now, before I bring out
the next guy,
72
00:03:40,429 --> 00:03:44,400
you guys know tonight
is Jell-O shot Tuesday!
73
00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:45,851
[Whoops loudly]
74
00:03:46,101 --> 00:03:48,399
And we all know what happens
after eight Jell-O shots.
75
00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:51,482
We urinate all over
ourselves and puke.
76
00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,317
Okay, so I'm gonna
bring up the next comic.
77
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,528
- Confidence. Poise.
- You know this man.
78
00:03:55,610 --> 00:03:56,953
Give it up for Mr. Chris Jones!
79
00:03:57,028 --> 00:03:58,905
- Smile.
- [ Audience cheering ]
80
00:03:58,989 --> 00:04:01,037
- DODD: Chris!
- He's like if a serial killer
81
00:04:01,116 --> 00:04:02,914
fucked an inspirational speaker.
82
00:04:03,618 --> 00:04:06,121
He's like Daniel Day-Lewis,
except he sucks.
83
00:04:06,371 --> 00:04:07,724
- [Laughs]
- SAM: I've tried his warm-up.
84
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,225
- It does not work for me.
- So unsettling.
85
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:10,876
CHRIS: Just bought
a laser printer.
86
00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:13,212
Printed out, like,
six lasers so far.
87
00:04:13,295 --> 00:04:15,093
- Maybe.
- KUMAIL: Hey, Dodd.
88
00:04:15,172 --> 00:04:16,441
Uh, Dalavan's
in the crowd tonight.
89
00:04:16,465 --> 00:04:17,967
- Can I do ten?
- No, five minutes.
90
00:04:18,216 --> 00:04:19,694
You put out chairs,
you do five minutes.
91
00:04:19,718 --> 00:04:21,118
- You know the deal.
- Come on, man.
92
00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:22,613
I'll double it up next time.
Come on.
93
00:04:22,637 --> 00:04:23,740
What are you gonna do in there?
94
00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:25,074
I'm making up
next week's schedule.
95
00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:26,145
Okay, cool.
96
00:04:27,058 --> 00:04:28,119
I was in bed with my girlfriend,
97
00:04:28,143 --> 00:04:31,989
and I was trying to mansplain
to her that, you know, we...
98
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:36,778
We are on one little rock
orbiting one star in a galaxy
99
00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:39,113
of a billion stars
in a universe...
100
00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:41,448
full of a billion galaxies.
101
00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:44,285
You know, so I forgot
your birthday.
102
00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:45,595
- Who gives a shit?
- [ Audience laughs ]
103
00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:48,873
Like, you are cosmically
overreacting to this.
104
00:04:49,247 --> 00:04:51,716
Honestly, you are being
super selfish.
105
00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:53,590
You're right, but you're selfish.
106
00:04:53,668 --> 00:04:55,841
- [ Audience applauding ]
- [ Man whoops]
107
00:04:57,464 --> 00:04:58,761
Hey.
108
00:04:59,549 --> 00:05:02,143
Have you guys heard of this
drug cocktail called cheese?
109
00:05:02,219 --> 00:05:05,063
Uh, I saw these news reports,
so I looked up what cheese is,
110
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:06,230
and cheese is a mixture.
111
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:11,028
Cheese is Tylenol PM and heroin.
112
00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:12,529
[ Scattered laughter]
113
00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:14,990
So, really, it's heroin.
114
00:05:15,690 --> 00:05:17,738
Heroin's doing the heavy lifting.
115
00:05:18,610 --> 00:05:20,863
Just do the heroin.
It's very powerful.
116
00:05:21,112 --> 00:05:23,331
You already have heroin.
117
00:05:24,616 --> 00:05:26,368
Is Pakistan in the house?
118
00:05:26,910 --> 00:05:27,911
[ Emily whoops loudly]
119
00:05:28,370 --> 00:05:31,044
Really? You're not from Pakistan.
120
00:05:31,373 --> 00:05:32,795
I would've noticed you.
121
00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:34,216
[ Chuckles ]
122
00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:36,303
- CHRIS: Are you kidding me?
- Mmm.
123
00:05:36,378 --> 00:05:38,472
He just gave you Montreal?
Like, you don't have to
124
00:05:38,588 --> 00:05:39,908
showcase or audition or anything?
125
00:05:39,965 --> 00:05:41,808
No. It was too easy, almost.
126
00:05:41,925 --> 00:05:44,178
Like, I wanted to struggle.
I wanted... I wanted a story
127
00:05:44,261 --> 00:05:45,604
to be able to tell on talk shows,
128
00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:46,896
and instead, like...
129
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:49,228
You guys don't know how tough
it is not to struggle.
130
00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:51,856
It's... It's a struggle
succeeding effortlessly.
131
00:05:51,977 --> 00:05:54,821
- Did he say anything about me?
- Sure.
132
00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:57,834
- What about me?
- He... They, both of you.
133
00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:00,532
He said, "Those guys performed."
134
00:06:01,653 --> 00:06:03,280
MARY: I truly hate you, actually.
135
00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:04,990
CHRIS: We all hate you.
136
00:06:06,950 --> 00:06:08,076
- Hi.
- Hi.
137
00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:09,627
- Hello.
- Um, my name's Kumail.
138
00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:10,704
[Laughs] Yeah, we know.
139
00:06:10,787 --> 00:06:12,209
Yeah, we saw you perform.
140
00:06:13,164 --> 00:06:15,417
Now that the niceties
are out of the way, um,
141
00:06:15,667 --> 00:06:17,795
I have to tell you
that when you yelled at me,
142
00:06:18,003 --> 00:06:19,004
it really threw me off,
143
00:06:19,129 --> 00:06:21,757
and, uh, you really shouldn't
heckle comedians.
144
00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:23,012
It's so rude.
145
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:25,017
I didn't heckle you.
146
00:06:25,468 --> 00:06:28,347
I just whoo-hoo'd you.
It was supportive.
147
00:06:28,430 --> 00:06:29,830
Okay, that's a common
misconception.
148
00:06:29,973 --> 00:06:31,975
But yelling anything at a comedian
149
00:06:32,267 --> 00:06:33,314
is considered heckling.
150
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:35,020
Heckling doesn't have
to be negative.
151
00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:37,606
So, if I... If I yelled out, like,
152
00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:39,032
"You're amazing in bed!"
153
00:06:39,190 --> 00:06:40,988
- [Laughs]
- That'd be a heckle?
154
00:06:41,192 --> 00:06:43,115
Yeah. It would be
an accurate heckle.
155
00:06:43,194 --> 00:06:44,195
- Cool.
- Whoa.
156
00:06:44,446 --> 00:06:45,446
[Laughs]
157
00:06:45,655 --> 00:06:46,497
Bye.
158
00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:47,950
- KUMAIL: Oh.
- Don't go.
159
00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:49,093
- KUMAIL: No, you can...
- I'm going.
160
00:06:49,117 --> 00:06:51,745
- You scared my friend off now.
- [Laughs]
161
00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:53,209
What's your name?
162
00:06:53,538 --> 00:06:54,539
Emily.
163
00:06:54,789 --> 00:06:56,336
Emily. Here...
164
00:06:56,625 --> 00:06:58,673
I want to show you
something, Emily.
165
00:07:02,631 --> 00:07:05,601
This is your name in Urdu.
166
00:07:06,134 --> 00:07:07,511
Oh.
167
00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:12,102
Does this move work?
168
00:07:12,641 --> 00:07:14,393
I've had some minor success
with it.
169
00:07:14,476 --> 00:07:15,602
Bullshit.
170
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:18,988
KUMAIL: So, you just
came to a comedy show
171
00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:20,111
with your friends?
172
00:07:20,398 --> 00:07:24,323
Yeah. We're all grad students
at the University of Chicago.
173
00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:25,755
What are you studying
at grad school?
174
00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:28,123
I study psychology.
I'm going to be a therapist.
175
00:07:28,323 --> 00:07:30,371
Oh, so you're gonna sit
on a couch, and, like,
176
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,303
ask people, like,
"How does that make you feel?"
177
00:07:32,327 --> 00:07:33,795
I mean, eventually, yeah.
178
00:07:33,870 --> 00:07:35,588
Right now I'm just doing fieldwork
179
00:07:35,664 --> 00:07:36,881
with this group of guys
180
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:38,584
who are convicted
of domestic violence.
181
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:40,794
- Jesus. Oh, wow.
- Cheers to that.
182
00:07:40,877 --> 00:07:43,505
No, don't cheers to that.
To you being a therapist.
183
00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:46,095
Great. To me getting my master's.
184
00:07:46,174 --> 00:07:48,334
We'll start there, and then
we'll go to the rest of it.
185
00:07:48,677 --> 00:07:51,021
[ "Seen Him" by Jim Brown
playing ]
186
00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:55,396
So, my roommate Chris
is probably on the couch.
187
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:57,443
He's gonna want to try
and start a conversation.
188
00:07:57,727 --> 00:07:59,729
So, do not engage.
189
00:08:00,063 --> 00:08:00,905
[Whispering ] EMILY: Okay.
190
00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:01,823
KUMAIL: Let's go.
191
00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:03,946
[TV playing ]
192
00:08:04,025 --> 00:08:05,652
- Hey, pals.
- KUMAIL: Hey.
193
00:08:06,569 --> 00:08:07,616
CHRIS: Hi.
194
00:08:14,536 --> 00:08:17,415
Good for him. Good for him.
195
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:19,545
[ TV continues playing ]
196
00:08:21,793 --> 00:08:22,635
Do you want to watch a movie?
197
00:08:22,711 --> 00:08:24,509
- Sure.
- Okay.
198
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:28,470
Should I just, like,
put my stuff down or...
199
00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:30,313
Yeah, I would say it's safe.
You know what?
200
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:32,812
That area's... Go for that area.
201
00:08:33,471 --> 00:08:36,099
I cleaned that earlier
this year, so...
202
00:08:36,558 --> 00:08:39,607
Should I take my shoes off
or is this a shoes-on bed?
203
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:41,272
No, it's a shoes-off bed.
204
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,398
I have... I have strict rules.
205
00:08:43,481 --> 00:08:44,528
Cool. Cool.
206
00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:46,067
Oh, wow.
207
00:08:46,151 --> 00:08:50,156
That is totally, uh,
an inflated mattress.
208
00:08:50,780 --> 00:08:52,174
Yeah. Well, did you think
it was gonna be
209
00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:53,620
a flat, inflatable mattress?
210
00:08:54,075 --> 00:08:56,794
I did think it might be
an actual mattress,
211
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:57,962
but you know.
212
00:08:58,038 --> 00:09:00,291
Well, air mattresses
are actual mattresses.
213
00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:02,125
- [Laughs]
- You're being bigoted...
214
00:09:02,208 --> 00:09:03,801
- Okay. Uh-huh.
- Towards air-based...
215
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:04,802
Uh-huh.
216
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,838
- Towards air-based mattresses?
- Comfort items.
217
00:09:08,006 --> 00:09:09,474
KUMAIL: Night of the Living Dead?
218
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:11,392
EMILY: Sure, I haven't
ever seen that movie.
219
00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:15,222
Okay, so, basically,
the dead start rising.
220
00:09:15,305 --> 00:09:18,650
- Mmm-hmm.
- And the good guys, um...
221
00:09:21,019 --> 00:09:22,521
[Woman screaming on TV]
222
00:09:28,359 --> 00:09:29,986
- Text Lauren.
- [ Cell phone chimes]
223
00:09:30,278 --> 00:09:32,872
- You up, girl?
- [ Chimes ]
224
00:09:32,947 --> 00:09:34,244
No, fuck, no.
225
00:09:35,867 --> 00:09:37,540
[SIR]: What do you want
to say to Warren?
226
00:09:37,619 --> 00:09:39,667
- She_.
- [ Chimes]
227
00:09:40,371 --> 00:09:41,515
[SIR]: What do you
want to say to...
228
00:09:41,539 --> 00:09:43,712
You up, period.
229
00:09:44,793 --> 00:09:45,793
Send.
230
00:09:46,211 --> 00:09:47,855
[SIR]: That may be beyond
my abilities at the moment.
231
00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:49,756
Fuck. No.
232
00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:51,887
[ Eerie music playing ]
233
00:09:57,055 --> 00:09:58,523
What are these scars?
234
00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:03,941
Oh, they're, uh,
smallpox vaccination.
235
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:05,939
I thought only old people
had those.
236
00:10:06,022 --> 00:10:07,069
Well, I'm from Pakistan,
237
00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:09,276
and we're still fighting
some battles
238
00:10:09,359 --> 00:10:10,656
you guys have already won.
239
00:10:11,027 --> 00:10:12,620
What were you like in high school?
240
00:10:12,904 --> 00:10:14,451
Were you, like, super funny?
241
00:10:14,531 --> 00:10:16,050
- Were you really smart?
- [ Chuckles ]
242
00:10:16,074 --> 00:10:17,075
Were you...
243
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:18,997
I was very shy.
244
00:10:19,536 --> 00:10:21,379
They called me Chashmullee.
245
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:22,713
What is that?
246
00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:25,462
It roughly translates to "dweeb."
247
00:10:25,917 --> 00:10:27,464
I'll show you a picture.
248
00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:30,547
Of you in high school? Oh, my God.
249
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,257
- Boom.
- No.
250
00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:34,763
And I'm thinking
I'm killing it right now.
251
00:10:34,843 --> 00:10:37,312
- What inspired this haircut?
- Hugh Grant.
252
00:10:37,387 --> 00:10:38,889
- No.
- Yeah.
253
00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:40,561
- Oh, no.
- Big fan.
254
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,187
- And you're so serious, too.
- Okay.
255
00:10:42,392 --> 00:10:44,315
I read an interview
with Hugh Grant.
256
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:47,397
- He said he doesn't smile.
- No. That's not real.
257
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,400
'Cause it makes his face
look fat, so I didn't...
258
00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:51,659
[Laughing] I didn't smile
in pictures for many years.
259
00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:53,740
What were you like in high school?
260
00:10:53,903 --> 00:10:54,995
Um...
261
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:58,955
Were you, like, voted, like,
most sexy?
262
00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:01,661
No. I was voted most noticeable.
263
00:11:02,871 --> 00:11:05,420
- That's good.
- No, it's really not good.
264
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:08,965
I, uh, had acne,
and I was a goth, and...
265
00:11:09,043 --> 00:11:11,546
[ Sighs ]
I had this terrible perm.
266
00:11:11,713 --> 00:11:15,138
Um, yeah, the kids
called me Beetlejuice.
267
00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:16,217
I don't know why.
268
00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:19,228
Actually, I do know why.
269
00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:21,557
It's because they thought
I looked like Beetlejuice.
270
00:11:21,639 --> 00:11:23,562
I think I'm done
with this subject.
271
00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:25,393
In fact,
I think I'm gonna go home.
272
00:11:25,476 --> 00:11:27,854
Wait, wait. We haven't even
had sex again yet.
273
00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:29,628
Yeah, I'm just not
that kind of girl.
274
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,282
I only have sex once
on the first date.
275
00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:32,984
- Wow.
- Plus a hand job.
276
00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:35,195
[ Laughs] Okay, well,
I haven't had that, so...
277
00:11:35,278 --> 00:11:37,622
You don't get that
because you made fun of me.
278
00:11:37,822 --> 00:11:39,574
What is happening?
What are you doing?
279
00:11:39,657 --> 00:11:41,034
I'm changing under this blanket.
280
00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:42,790
I've seen everything.
Do you remember?
281
00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:44,337
We were just having sex.
282
00:11:44,829 --> 00:11:47,628
Yeah, but we were, like,
in the throes of passion then,
283
00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:48,707
and...
284
00:11:49,417 --> 00:11:51,135
Listen, I had a really nice time.
285
00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:52,378
Thank you very much.
286
00:11:52,462 --> 00:11:55,966
I'm just gonna, like,
call an Uber, go home,
287
00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:58,097
- and I hope...
- [ Cell phone beeping ]
288
00:11:59,802 --> 00:12:01,896
- Just...
- [ Both laugh ]
289
00:12:02,805 --> 00:12:04,148
Your driver will be ready
290
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,022
as soon as he puts on his pants.
291
00:12:06,893 --> 00:12:09,271
Were you available for rides
while we were fucking?
292
00:12:09,354 --> 00:12:11,322
Yeah, but I only looked
a couple times.
293
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:16,703
So, maybe I'll, uh, run into you
at the club sometime,
294
00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:18,780
and we can grab a drink?
295
00:12:20,615 --> 00:12:22,959
Um, I'm not... [Chuckles]
296
00:12:23,117 --> 00:12:24,303
I know this sounds like a line,
297
00:12:24,327 --> 00:12:25,749
but I'm not really, like...
298
00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:29,131
I'm not really dating
right now. I just...
299
00:12:29,332 --> 00:12:32,131
I've got a lot of school
and work and...
300
00:12:32,210 --> 00:12:33,687
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Just a lot on my plate.
301
00:12:33,711 --> 00:12:36,055
Yeah, no, I get it. Totally.
302
00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:38,349
That's perfect 'cause I'm not...
303
00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:40,593
dating right now, either.
304
00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:41,803
- Okay.
- Yeah.
305
00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:44,564
And I actually have
a pretty strict two-day rule
306
00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:48,815
where I can't see someone
more than two days in a row.
307
00:12:48,893 --> 00:12:51,271
So, since we hung out
for two days,
308
00:12:51,354 --> 00:12:52,822
even if I were to see you again,
309
00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:54,416
which I won't 'cause
you're not dating,
310
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:55,737
I'm not dating,
311
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:57,949
I wouldn't be able
to see you till Monday.
312
00:12:58,027 --> 00:12:59,495
We haven't hung out for two days.
313
00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:00,970
We've hung out
for about five hours.
314
00:13:01,072 --> 00:13:02,745
- Yeah, but...
- Just to be totally clear.
315
00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:05,873
Yesterday and today
'cause it's after midnight.
316
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:08,292
So, today is actually tomorrow,
317
00:13:08,371 --> 00:13:10,590
earlier tonight was yesterday,
so two days.
318
00:13:10,665 --> 00:13:12,793
You see, I don't date time-nerds,
319
00:13:12,875 --> 00:13:16,129
so that really takes you
off the table.
320
00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:17,231
[ Laughing ] That works out
321
00:13:17,255 --> 00:13:19,804
'cause I am a hardcore time-nerd.
322
00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:20,804
Yeah, I can tell.
323
00:13:20,883 --> 00:13:24,387
I'm, like, very strict
about a.m./p.m. stuff and...
324
00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:27,811
So, wait. So, just to establish,
325
00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:28,890
what did we decide?
326
00:13:29,225 --> 00:13:31,444
We decided we aren't ever
gonna see each other again.
327
00:13:31,728 --> 00:13:32,728
Great.
328
00:13:33,563 --> 00:13:35,281
I'm glad we're on the same page.
329
00:13:43,364 --> 00:13:44,741
Look at my jeans, Kumi.
330
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,792
They're from Citizens of Humanity.
331
00:13:46,868 --> 00:13:48,178
- That's the brand's name.
- FATIMA: Oh.
332
00:13:48,202 --> 00:13:49,305
They're so soft. Touch them.
333
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:50,472
KUMAIL: I don't want
to touch your jeans.
334
00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:51,682
- AZMAT: Come on, touch them.
- I'll touch them.
335
00:13:51,706 --> 00:13:53,066
They're like sweatpants, you know.
336
00:13:53,291 --> 00:13:55,185
You should be stylish
like your father, you know.
337
00:13:55,209 --> 00:13:56,809
It's not very difficult.
Just observe me.
338
00:13:56,878 --> 00:13:58,880
- Get some Daddy style.
- SHARMEEN: Yeah.
339
00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:01,133
Kumi, why don't you grow a beard?
340
00:14:01,424 --> 00:14:03,017
Not like Naveed's,
just a small one.
341
00:14:03,092 --> 00:14:04,361
- FATIMA: Not like his.
- Maybe like mine.
342
00:14:04,385 --> 00:14:05,432
Small, cool, and stylish.
343
00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:06,572
SHARMEEN:
Kumi, I've been thinking.
344
00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:09,315
You know, why you don't
enroll for LSAT now?
345
00:14:10,099 --> 00:14:12,352
Yeah, sorry, Ma,
I haven't done it yet.
346
00:14:12,602 --> 00:14:13,854
I like that you bring it up
347
00:14:13,936 --> 00:14:15,563
as if you've never
brought it up before.
348
00:14:15,646 --> 00:14:17,148
How's the stand-up coming, Bhai?
349
00:14:21,152 --> 00:14:22,620
It's going fine. Thank you.
350
00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:24,743
Yeah, since when
are you someone to stand up?
351
00:14:24,822 --> 00:14:26,745
You know who I think
should stand up is Malala.
352
00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:28,010
- She has something to say.
- Malala, yeah.
353
00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:29,470
- Ooh, I love Malala.
- She has something to say.
354
00:14:29,494 --> 00:14:31,747
- Malala.
- KUMAIL: Yeah. I know.
355
00:14:31,829 --> 00:14:33,376
She does open mics,
and she crushes.
356
00:14:33,498 --> 00:14:35,671
A lot of ethnic material,
which I think is a crutch,
357
00:14:35,750 --> 00:14:38,048
and that one story gets
a lot of play, but...
358
00:14:38,586 --> 00:14:39,803
You should be on that show.
359
00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:41,256
- Saturday Night Live.
- SNL.
360
00:14:41,339 --> 00:14:42,816
That's a great idea.
I should e-mail them.
361
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:44,318
I don't know why
I hadn't thought of that.
362
00:14:44,342 --> 00:14:45,694
You know, I hacked
into your cousin.
363
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:46,935
Rehan's Facebook account.
364
00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:48,155
- You hacked into it?
- SHARMEEN: Oh.
365
00:14:48,179 --> 00:14:49,823
Yeah, they were not accepting
my friends request,
366
00:14:49,847 --> 00:14:50,949
- so I had to hack into it...
- [ Laughing ] Okay.
367
00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:53,476
And I discovered that he
and that white woman
368
00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:55,732
that he's living with
are having a baby.
369
00:14:55,812 --> 00:14:57,780
- They're married.
- Yeah, whatever.
370
00:14:57,855 --> 00:14:59,875
And then I hacked into Tumblr,
and I discovered that
371
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:02,197
they have named the baby Da-vé.
372
00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:04,745
- Can you imagine?
- Dave.
373
00:15:05,071 --> 00:15:07,039
AZMAT: Dave?
KUMAIL: It's probably Dave.
374
00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:08,742
- Oh. Oh, Dave. Dave.
- [ Fatima laughs ]
375
00:15:08,825 --> 00:15:10,636
- NAVEED: Nobody's named Da-vé.
- It's very, very, very sad.
376
00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:12,662
No one is going to visit
that baby, and that baby,
377
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:14,747
mark my words,
will grow up without a family.
378
00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:16,666
It's like he's dead or worse.
379
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:18,922
SHARMEEN: It is very sad. Kumi,
380
00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:21,675
go and pray now, so then
we can eat ice cream. Go.
381
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:23,440
- Go. Please, go.
- Yeah, Ma, I need to finish.
382
00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:25,432
- Hurry up, Bhai. Ice cream.
- [ Fatima laughs]
383
00:15:25,508 --> 00:15:26,902
SHARMEEN:
And then we'll eat ice cream.
384
00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:29,475
Stop, stop.
Janamaz is downstairs. Go.
385
00:15:29,637 --> 00:15:31,435
- Stop.
- [ Fatima laughs]
386
00:15:31,514 --> 00:15:33,314
- AZMAT: What is this?
- [ Indistinct chatter]
387
00:15:50,408 --> 00:15:51,580
[ Man shouts on video]
388
00:15:51,659 --> 00:15:53,206
[Woman laughs on video ]
389
00:15:54,162 --> 00:15:55,584
[Alarm beeps]
390
00:15:58,624 --> 00:15:59,466
I don't know, I think...
391
00:15:59,542 --> 00:16:00,902
My mother used to make best kulfi.
392
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,507
- Your grandmother.
- Oh, yeah?
393
00:16:02,587 --> 00:16:04,107
I think ice cream
is better than kulfi.
394
00:16:04,172 --> 00:16:05,594
- No, no, no.
- [ Doorbell rings ]
395
00:16:05,673 --> 00:16:08,176
Oh. I wonder who that could be.
396
00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:11,183
- AZMAT: Yeah.
- Let me check. I don't know.
397
00:16:11,262 --> 00:16:13,606
I'm guessing it's a young,
single Pakistani woman
398
00:16:13,681 --> 00:16:15,604
who just happened
to be driving by our house,
399
00:16:15,683 --> 00:16:16,684
which is on a cul-de-sac.
400
00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:17,953
- Well...
- And I'm also guessing
401
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,900
that the phrase "dropped in"
402
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:21,572
will be said
in the next ten seconds.
403
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:23,236
- Ten.
- Ten, nine...
404
00:16:23,733 --> 00:16:25,906
- BOTH: Eight, seven...
- Quiet.
405
00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:28,534
Everyone, this is Zubeida.
406
00:16:28,779 --> 00:16:30,577
- She just dropped in.
- Salaam.
407
00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:32,124
[All greeting in Urdu]
408
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:33,873
- Come, please. Sit.
- Mmm.
409
00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:39,169
Oh, here, Kumail, for your files.
410
00:16:39,707 --> 00:16:41,550
- Thank you.
- Your X-Files because...
411
00:16:41,626 --> 00:16:43,674
- Thank you.
- That's your favorite show.
412
00:16:43,753 --> 00:16:44,753
[ Chuckles ] Huh?
413
00:16:46,088 --> 00:16:47,305
Thank you so much.
414
00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:50,142
"The truth is out there." [Laughs]
415
00:16:50,218 --> 00:16:51,686
[All laughing]
416
00:16:52,929 --> 00:16:54,852
- Uh-huh.
- KUMAIL: It's from the show.
417
00:16:56,599 --> 00:16:57,816
Thank you.
418
00:16:58,351 --> 00:16:59,648
- Thank you. Yeah.
- BOTH: Bye.
419
00:16:59,727 --> 00:17:01,729
- Bye.
- I hope you come back.
420
00:17:02,396 --> 00:17:03,443
[ Door closes ]
421
00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:06,652
Kumi, there's not just going
to be a magic spark, okay?
422
00:17:06,734 --> 00:17:09,453
You have to work at it.
You have to stay open.
423
00:17:09,820 --> 00:17:11,663
- Okay, Ma. Okay. Yeah, yeah.
- Okay. Good.
424
00:17:11,739 --> 00:17:13,662
I just wish you were
better at it, you know?
425
00:17:13,741 --> 00:17:15,761
I mean, you've had so much
practice, and you're still...
426
00:17:15,785 --> 00:17:17,958
- You're not that good at it.
- Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
427
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:19,264
Brought your A-game with Naveed,
428
00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:21,507
but with me, you're just
phoning it in a little bit.
429
00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:23,584
Again with the comedy, the comedy.
430
00:17:23,668 --> 00:17:26,342
All the time with the comedy.
Be serious sometimes.
431
00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:28,343
I am serious.
I want to help you get better.
432
00:17:39,100 --> 00:17:41,119
EMILY: So, are you ever gonna
let me sit in the front seat?
433
00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:42,645
KUMAIL: No, I'm a professional,
434
00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:44,230
and you're paying for this ride.
435
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:45,749
I don't want to pay for this ride.
436
00:17:45,773 --> 00:17:47,901
- It's surging right now.
- [Laughs]
437
00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:51,204
- Yeah. Sorry.
- [Laughs]
438
00:17:51,279 --> 00:17:52,872
You shouldn't have
typed in the number.
439
00:17:53,614 --> 00:17:57,335
Okay, the year is 1969.
440
00:17:57,660 --> 00:17:59,583
MGM has had a string of failures,
441
00:17:59,662 --> 00:18:03,917
so it turns to its most
bankable star, Vincent Price.
442
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,843
Is this your compatibility test?
443
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:09,092
Like the way some people are
with Vonnegut or Big Lebowski?
444
00:18:09,171 --> 00:18:11,845
No, just watch the movie
and take it seriously
445
00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:13,026
- because it's very serious.
- I'm gonna love it.
446
00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:15,018
I love it when men
test me on my taste.
447
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:16,694
I just want to share
this movie with you,
448
00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:18,323
so I don't know why
you're reading into...
449
00:18:18,347 --> 00:18:20,975
How many women
have you showed this movie to?
450
00:18:22,268 --> 00:18:23,268
Zero.
451
00:18:23,477 --> 00:18:26,572
How many women have you
shown a "B" horror movie to
452
00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:27,944
on, like, a third date?
453
00:18:30,568 --> 00:18:32,161
This is not a "B" horror movie.
454
00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:33,328
[Laughs]
455
00:18:33,404 --> 00:18:34,530
Okay, are you ready?
456
00:18:34,864 --> 00:18:37,538
Just close your eyes
'cause when the menu comes on,
457
00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:38,977
there's some spoilers in the menu.
458
00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:40,582
- Okay?
- I'm ready, I'm ready.
459
00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:41,708
Okay, I'll hit play.
460
00:18:43,164 --> 00:18:44,164
Okay, go.
461
00:18:47,043 --> 00:18:49,842
[ Dramatic organ music playing ]
462
00:18:58,846 --> 00:19:00,189
[Whispering ] Watch.
463
00:19:00,431 --> 00:19:02,183
- I'm watching.
- Shh.
464
00:19:02,266 --> 00:19:03,768
[Whispering ] Watch this part.
465
00:19:04,602 --> 00:19:05,694
[ Yawns ]
466
00:19:06,228 --> 00:19:07,775
- No.
- What?
467
00:19:07,855 --> 00:19:09,375
If you're tired,
we can watch it later.
468
00:19:09,565 --> 00:19:11,442
[ Laughs ] Sorry.
Just have that weird, like,
469
00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:13,403
yawning thing that happens
470
00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:15,492
when you're watching
a really boring film.
471
00:19:15,571 --> 00:19:16,914
[ Laughing ]
472
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:19,833
It's not boring.
Just wait for it to kick in.
473
00:19:19,909 --> 00:19:21,502
- The plot kicks in really soon.
- Okay.
474
00:19:21,577 --> 00:19:26,424
PHIBES ON TV:
Your loss. Nine times nine.
475
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:29,001
Nine killed you.
476
00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:30,385
EMILY: That was fun.
477
00:19:30,461 --> 00:19:33,806
Uh, thanks for the ride home,
but we got to stop doing this.
478
00:19:33,881 --> 00:19:35,804
- KUMAIL: Yeah.
- I know I've said that before,
479
00:19:35,883 --> 00:19:37,055
but I really do mean it.
480
00:19:37,134 --> 00:19:38,807
I can't be doing this right now.
481
00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:42,106
I know, I know.
Totally. 100 percent.
482
00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:44,392
I agree with you.
483
00:19:44,475 --> 00:19:46,318
- So, don't call me again.
- I won't.
484
00:19:47,061 --> 00:19:48,358
I promise.
485
00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:50,531
Good luck
on all your future endeavors.
486
00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:51,983
Oh, yeah, thank you.
487
00:19:52,274 --> 00:19:53,617
Hey, can we have an awkward hug
488
00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:55,695
before we part forever?
489
00:19:57,363 --> 00:19:58,706
_okay. _okay.
490
00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:01,117
Uh...
491
00:20:06,372 --> 00:20:07,589
- Bye.
- Bye.
492
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,042
[Sighs]
493
00:20:14,672 --> 00:20:16,424
[Cell phone ringing]
494
00:20:21,429 --> 00:20:25,309
Uh, you just promised
never to call me again, so...
495
00:20:26,183 --> 00:20:28,106
It's really cold out here.
496
00:20:29,478 --> 00:20:30,821
It's so cold.
497
00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:32,614
You make a pretty good point.
498
00:20:32,690 --> 00:20:34,283
It is a lot warmer in here.
499
00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:36,031
KUMAIL: It is warmer in here.
500
00:20:36,610 --> 00:20:38,088
EMILY: You know,
it's really nice upstairs.
501
00:20:38,112 --> 00:20:39,113
KUMAILZ IS it?
502
00:20:41,532 --> 00:20:43,455
[ Laughing ] Whoa... Whoa!
503
00:20:44,618 --> 00:20:46,712
What are you doing? Okay.
504
00:20:46,787 --> 00:20:48,164
Just trying to get comfy.
505
00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:49,349
- [ Indistinct conversation ]
- [ Doorbell rings ]
506
00:20:49,373 --> 00:20:51,216
Oh, let me see. Who could that be?
507
00:20:55,588 --> 00:20:56,635
[ Doorbell rings ]
508
00:20:56,714 --> 00:20:58,716
Oh, I wonder who that could be.
509
00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:04,559
[ Laughing ]
510
00:21:06,223 --> 00:21:07,224
- Uncle.
- [ Emily laughs]
511
00:21:07,308 --> 00:21:08,150
[ Doorbell rings ]
512
00:21:08,225 --> 00:21:09,818
SHARMEEN: Oh, let me see
who is that.
513
00:21:11,979 --> 00:21:13,447
CJ: Emily, so has Kumail told you
514
00:21:13,522 --> 00:21:15,365
that in addition
to being an Uber driver,
515
00:21:15,441 --> 00:21:18,240
he also has a one-man show?
516
00:21:18,736 --> 00:21:20,283
No, he did not tell me that.
517
00:21:20,362 --> 00:21:22,535
- Do you really?
- Oh, it's really nothing.
518
00:21:22,615 --> 00:21:24,375
It's just something
I'm fiddling around with.
519
00:21:24,450 --> 00:21:26,873
How is a one-man show
different from stand-up?
520
00:21:26,952 --> 00:21:28,054
- It's really not.
- I guess it's because
521
00:21:28,078 --> 00:21:31,252
there's lots of, like,
wigs and costume changes.
522
00:21:31,332 --> 00:21:32,800
And there's a lot of acting in it.
523
00:21:32,875 --> 00:21:35,469
MARY: Mmm. And then, like,
at the end of it,
524
00:21:35,544 --> 00:21:38,047
you've got this very awkward
conversation where you go,
525
00:21:38,422 --> 00:21:40,015
"I really liked it."
526
00:21:40,257 --> 00:21:42,100
But I thought you really liked it.
527
00:21:42,176 --> 00:21:44,395
I really liked it.
528
00:21:44,845 --> 00:21:47,314
- I can't wait to see this show.
- Oh, yeah.
529
00:21:47,389 --> 00:21:49,075
Okay, you will never see
the show because it's...
530
00:21:49,099 --> 00:21:50,202
- Oh, you have to see it.
- You have to.
531
00:21:50,226 --> 00:21:51,453
- It's not ready. It's not...
- CJ: You have to...
532
00:21:51,477 --> 00:21:53,855
- You will love the acting.
- You have to see it.
533
00:21:53,938 --> 00:21:55,540
They're fucking with you.
It's not really like this.
534
00:21:55,564 --> 00:21:57,032
They're fucking with me
or with you?
535
00:21:57,107 --> 00:21:58,210
It's actually very significant.
536
00:21:58,234 --> 00:21:59,754
It seems like they're
fucking with you.
537
00:22:01,904 --> 00:22:04,157
I'm 12 years old, and this...
538
00:22:05,825 --> 00:22:07,042
This is home.
539
00:22:08,619 --> 00:22:10,212
Feels like I never left.
540
00:22:11,121 --> 00:22:12,373
Do you smell that?
541
00:22:12,915 --> 00:22:16,215
That's my mom cooking
the murgh rogan josh.
542
00:22:17,127 --> 00:22:19,087
- [ Whispering ] Fuck.
- KUMAIL: Do you hear that?
543
00:22:19,421 --> 00:22:22,049
That's my father watching
cricket on the telly.
544
00:22:23,092 --> 00:22:24,685
Do you feel that?
545
00:22:25,010 --> 00:22:27,889
That's the weight
of Pakistan's history.
546
00:22:27,972 --> 00:22:29,974
Pakistan was formed
when it separated
547
00:22:30,057 --> 00:22:34,233
from its biggest rival, India,
on August 14th, 1947.
548
00:22:34,895 --> 00:22:36,897
[ Grunts ] Six runs.
549
00:22:36,981 --> 00:22:38,983
Silly mid on. Short mid-wicket.
550
00:22:39,149 --> 00:22:40,901
Mid-wicket. Deep mid-wicket.
551
00:22:40,985 --> 00:22:44,660
Mid on. Long on. Long off.
Bowler. Mid off.
552
00:22:44,989 --> 00:22:46,161
A googly is when a...
553
00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:47,551
[Whispers] I have to leave
as soon as the show's over.
554
00:22:47,575 --> 00:22:49,293
- I can't stay. Okay.
- Okay.
555
00:22:49,368 --> 00:22:51,416
So, if you get
a silly mid-on fielder,
556
00:22:51,495 --> 00:22:53,668
you know you're getting
a yorker soon.
557
00:22:53,747 --> 00:22:54,747
[ Chuckles ]
558
00:22:54,957 --> 00:22:57,676
So, to review,
Pakistan's biggest exports
559
00:22:57,751 --> 00:23:00,925
- are cotton and...
- AUDIENCE: Concrete.
560
00:23:01,255 --> 00:23:02,732
- [ Whispering ] Kill me.
- KUMAIL: That's right.
561
00:23:02,756 --> 00:23:05,009
Eid Mubarak. That's our Christmas.
562
00:23:05,092 --> 00:23:07,345
Except instead
of the traditional Christmas ham,
563
00:23:07,428 --> 00:23:08,680
we serve mithai,
564
00:23:08,762 --> 00:23:11,936
which my khansamah, Chris,
will serve to you right now.
565
00:23:12,266 --> 00:23:14,894
Khansamah is Urdu for "servant."
566
00:23:15,311 --> 00:23:16,563
If you want to make it at home,
567
00:23:16,854 --> 00:23:18,982
the main ingredients
are condensed milk,
568
00:23:19,064 --> 00:23:20,566
sugar, and love.
569
00:23:20,816 --> 00:23:22,568
At least,
that was my mom's recipe.
570
00:23:22,776 --> 00:23:24,904
Hey, you look like
a children's toy from Malaysia.
571
00:23:24,987 --> 00:23:25,829
KUMAIL: Now would you
all please rise
572
00:23:25,905 --> 00:23:27,327
for the Pakistani national anthem?
573
00:23:27,406 --> 00:23:29,500
[Drumroll]
574
00:23:29,867 --> 00:23:33,792
[ Singing ] Pak sarzamin shad bad.
575
00:23:34,121 --> 00:23:37,546
Kishwar-i hasin shad bad
576
00:23:39,251 --> 00:23:40,270
- [ Knock on door]
- EMILY: Hey.
577
00:23:40,294 --> 00:23:41,511
Hey. So, what'd you think?
578
00:23:41,587 --> 00:23:43,965
- Um, I thought it was great.
- Yeah?
579
00:23:44,048 --> 00:23:45,265
I never knew that Pakistan
580
00:23:45,341 --> 00:23:47,639
had the world's largest
irrigation system.
581
00:23:47,718 --> 00:23:50,016
Yeah, something
like 14 million hectares
582
00:23:50,095 --> 00:23:50,937
are being irrigated.
583
00:23:51,013 --> 00:23:52,686
Like, as soon as I read that,
I was like,
584
00:23:52,765 --> 00:23:54,034
"Oh, that's going in the show.“"
585
00:23:54,058 --> 00:23:55,059
- Totally.
- Hi, Emily.
586
00:23:55,142 --> 00:23:56,143
- KUMAIL: Hey.
- Hi, guys.
587
00:23:56,226 --> 00:23:58,854
Hey. Dude, that was...
You were in the zone, man.
588
00:23:58,938 --> 00:24:00,498
That was... That was
the best one we've seen.
589
00:24:00,522 --> 00:24:04,823
Yeah, that was so honest and good.
590
00:24:05,486 --> 00:24:07,130
CJ: And you know what
I realized halfway through?
591
00:24:07,154 --> 00:24:09,031
- You're from Pakistan.
- MARY: Yes.
592
00:24:09,114 --> 00:24:10,717
- Cool, good to see you, Emily.
- Yes. Okay, bye, guys.
593
00:24:10,741 --> 00:24:12,493
- Great. Bye, guys.
- Keep up the...
594
00:24:13,911 --> 00:24:15,913
- They seemed to like it.
- They're so nice.
595
00:24:16,664 --> 00:24:19,759
So, really, what'd you think?
Like, it's a work in progress.
596
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:23,345
I really liked it.
I learned a lot about Pakistan
597
00:24:23,629 --> 00:24:25,973
and cricket, all those positions.
598
00:24:26,090 --> 00:24:28,559
But I just wish that I had
learned more about you.
599
00:24:29,051 --> 00:24:30,644
- Does that make any sense?
- Yeah.
600
00:24:42,356 --> 00:24:43,778
[ Hinges creaking ]
601
00:24:49,571 --> 00:24:50,788
[ Rustling ]
602
00:24:53,367 --> 00:24:55,540
- Hey.
- Oh, hi.
603
00:24:57,287 --> 00:24:58,504
It's 3:00 a.m.
604
00:24:58,580 --> 00:25:02,335
Is that, uh, diner
around the corner open?
605
00:25:02,668 --> 00:25:03,965
It's 24 hours.
606
00:25:04,044 --> 00:25:06,923
Why, you want an old
lemon meringue pie?
607
00:25:07,089 --> 00:25:08,682
[ Chuckles ] You're so funny.
608
00:25:09,299 --> 00:25:12,929
No, actually, um, I just,
I really need to, um,
609
00:25:13,429 --> 00:25:14,555
get a cup of coffee.
610
00:25:14,638 --> 00:25:15,981
I can make you coffee.
611
00:25:17,975 --> 00:25:21,400
I love diner coffee.
I just love that burnt taste.
612
00:25:21,478 --> 00:25:22,400
All right, I'll come with you.
613
00:25:22,479 --> 00:25:24,322
No, no, no, no, no.
No, why would you do that?
614
00:25:24,398 --> 00:25:25,445
It's a bad neighborhood.
615
00:25:25,524 --> 00:25:26,992
I'm not gonna let you
go on your own.
616
00:25:27,067 --> 00:25:28,378
- Why? 'Cause I'm a woman?
- Okay.
617
00:25:28,402 --> 00:25:29,838
Seriously, that's the most
misogynous thing
618
00:25:29,862 --> 00:25:30,738
I've ever heard.
619
00:25:30,821 --> 00:25:32,257
- Why are you being so weird?
- Fuck you.
620
00:25:32,281 --> 00:25:33,800
- I'm not being weird.
- You're being so weird.
621
00:25:33,824 --> 00:25:35,701
You're being weird.
You're being so weird.
622
00:25:35,784 --> 00:25:36,886
How am I weird? I want to sleep
623
00:25:36,910 --> 00:25:38,304
- while it's sleep time.
- This is normal.
624
00:25:38,328 --> 00:25:40,223
Girls go to get coffee
in the middle of the night.
625
00:25:40,247 --> 00:25:41,474
Have you never had
a girlfriend before?
626
00:25:41,498 --> 00:25:43,098
- This is what it's like.
- Are you okay?
627
00:25:43,167 --> 00:25:45,135
Everything is not okay.
Everything is not good.
628
00:25:45,210 --> 00:25:46,962
Hey, hey, hey.
You could tell me anything,
629
00:25:47,046 --> 00:25:47,922
you know that, right?
630
00:25:48,005 --> 00:25:49,097
You could tell me anything.
631
00:25:49,173 --> 00:25:51,141
[ Loudly ]
I have to take a shit, okay?
632
00:25:53,802 --> 00:25:56,351
I have to take a huge,
fucking dookie.
633
00:25:56,513 --> 00:25:58,607
- [Laughs]
- I can't poo in your bathroom
634
00:25:58,932 --> 00:26:00,243
because you don't
have any matches,
635
00:26:00,267 --> 00:26:01,578
and you don't have
any air freshener.
636
00:26:01,602 --> 00:26:02,912
What kind of person
doesn't have any matches
637
00:26:02,936 --> 00:26:04,205
or air freshener in the bathroom?
638
00:26:04,229 --> 00:26:06,903
The walls are so thin,
and Chris is right out there.
639
00:26:07,066 --> 00:26:09,740
Please, stop laughing.
Please, please, please.
640
00:26:09,902 --> 00:26:11,779
Okay. I have an idea.
641
00:26:22,581 --> 00:26:24,925
Hey. How are you?
642
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:27,094
I do not want to talk about it.
643
00:26:29,588 --> 00:26:31,010
[Laughs]
644
00:26:33,634 --> 00:26:35,011
Watch and learn, Bhai.
645
00:26:35,552 --> 00:26:38,180
It's all about shifting
the weight and the torque.
646
00:26:38,764 --> 00:26:39,856
Oh, Christ.
647
00:26:40,015 --> 00:26:41,858
Oh. Okay.
648
00:26:43,769 --> 00:26:44,986
[ Grunts ]
649
00:26:45,813 --> 00:26:48,441
Hey, you're like
a Pakistani Sammy Sosa.
650
00:26:49,608 --> 00:26:51,781
WOMAN: There you go, honey.
Yeah. That's it.
651
00:26:51,860 --> 00:26:53,828
KUMAIL: He's pretty good.
Just do what he's doing.
652
00:26:54,905 --> 00:26:56,157
MAN: Okay, great.
653
00:26:56,865 --> 00:26:57,865
NAVEED: Mine.
654
00:26:58,075 --> 00:26:59,427
KUMAIL: Come on, man,
just let me...
655
00:26:59,451 --> 00:27:01,545
NAVEED: Mine.
Mine, mine, mine, thank you.
656
00:27:01,620 --> 00:27:03,431
- Why do you get the chana?
- NAVEED: You go on that... No.
657
00:27:03,455 --> 00:27:04,456
KUMAIL: Mmm.
658
00:27:05,207 --> 00:27:06,550
This cookie's really good.
659
00:27:06,792 --> 00:27:08,294
They're biscuits.
Listen to yourself.
660
00:27:08,377 --> 00:27:09,879
You hardly sound Pakistani.
661
00:27:10,129 --> 00:27:11,301
"Cookies."
662
00:27:11,547 --> 00:27:13,094
Sound like Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
663
00:27:14,133 --> 00:27:15,350
Such a burger.
664
00:27:15,717 --> 00:27:17,195
- I'm not a burger.
- Yes, you're a burger.
665
00:27:17,219 --> 00:27:18,321
- I'm not a burger.
- You're a big, fat burger.
666
00:27:18,345 --> 00:27:20,063
And biscuit is
actually a British term.
667
00:27:20,139 --> 00:27:21,407
Oh, thank you
for all the information
668
00:27:21,431 --> 00:27:22,353
I don't give a shit about.
669
00:27:22,432 --> 00:27:24,232
And you should listen to Mom
and grow a beard.
670
00:27:25,060 --> 00:27:26,607
Gets really itchy. I've tried.
671
00:27:26,687 --> 00:27:27,705
- It's all patchy.
- Oh, is it itchy?
672
00:27:27,729 --> 00:27:29,499
- I know I sound like a baby.
- Well, try being a man
673
00:27:29,523 --> 00:27:30,945
and conditioning like I do.
674
00:27:31,191 --> 00:27:32,551
What's the whole thing
with Muslims
675
00:27:32,609 --> 00:27:33,610
growing beards, anyway'?
676
00:27:33,694 --> 00:27:35,094
It's such
an arbitrary thing, right?
677
00:27:35,154 --> 00:27:37,532
Like, who decided that,
"Oh, we have to have beards.“"
678
00:27:37,614 --> 00:27:39,534
Oh. But you'll do...
So, there's a billion of us,
679
00:27:39,575 --> 00:27:41,122
and you're the only one
with the truth.
680
00:27:41,243 --> 00:27:42,665
Is that right?
681
00:27:42,744 --> 00:27:45,167
So, the sun is just
shining down on you right now.
682
00:27:45,247 --> 00:27:47,466
It's just parting. [Vocalizing ]
683
00:27:50,002 --> 00:27:53,472
You know, I have to tell
you something, Bhai.
684
00:27:55,090 --> 00:27:56,808
Here we go. Yeah.
685
00:27:59,261 --> 00:28:01,229
- I've been dating this girl.
- [ Speaks Urdu ]
686
00:28:02,264 --> 00:28:03,516
- She's white.
- Oh.
687
00:28:03,682 --> 00:28:04,742
I thought you were gonna say
688
00:28:04,766 --> 00:28:06,143
you were involved in a hit-and-run
689
00:28:06,226 --> 00:28:07,819
or you got caught
forging some checks,
690
00:28:07,895 --> 00:28:09,818
- but a white girl?
- [ Stammers ]
691
00:28:09,897 --> 00:28:11,337
NAVEED: I mean,
that's such a cliché.
692
00:28:11,398 --> 00:28:12,709
It's okay, and we hate terrorists.
693
00:28:12,733 --> 00:28:14,155
- It's...
- Just... sorry.
694
00:28:16,320 --> 00:28:18,072
Listen, I understand.
You're in America,
695
00:28:18,155 --> 00:28:19,452
and you want to mow a few lawns
696
00:28:19,531 --> 00:28:20,828
and see what it's like, but...
697
00:28:21,325 --> 00:28:24,499
Eventually, you have
to marry a Pakistani girl.
698
00:28:24,578 --> 00:28:25,625
Like...
699
00:28:26,246 --> 00:28:28,214
Like, I hung out with other girls,
700
00:28:28,457 --> 00:28:30,084
but then I married Fatima.
701
00:28:30,292 --> 00:28:31,972
And we hardly spoke
two words to each other
702
00:28:32,044 --> 00:28:34,547
in the first few months,
but now, Kumi,
703
00:28:34,630 --> 00:28:36,598
- she's like my best friend.
- I know.
704
00:28:36,673 --> 00:28:38,391
You have to break up with her
immediately.
705
00:28:39,843 --> 00:28:42,187
If I find someone
who's as good for me
706
00:28:42,262 --> 00:28:43,559
as Fatima is for you,
707
00:28:43,847 --> 00:28:45,315
Mom would understand, right?
708
00:28:45,390 --> 00:28:47,859
I mean, she wouldn't love me less.
709
00:28:47,935 --> 00:28:49,482
Oh, she'd definitely
love you less.
710
00:28:49,978 --> 00:28:51,104
Slowly, it'd sort of...
711
00:28:52,064 --> 00:28:54,533
What's the word when guys
stop returning girl's calls?
712
00:28:55,234 --> 00:28:56,486
- Ghosting?
- Yes.
713
00:28:56,568 --> 00:28:59,412
You have to end it now,
or Mom will fucking ghost you.
714
00:29:00,072 --> 00:29:01,244
Now, come on.
715
00:29:02,241 --> 00:29:03,493
Batting.
716
00:29:05,535 --> 00:29:07,415
- [ Jazz music playing ]
- [ indistinct chatter]
717
00:29:11,083 --> 00:29:13,757
I am getting, like,
a lot of bright fruit.
718
00:29:13,835 --> 00:29:15,303
I'd say it's very fruit-forward.
719
00:29:15,379 --> 00:29:18,132
Mmm-hmm. It tastes like
grape juice that's gone bad.
720
00:29:18,215 --> 00:29:19,091
- Like...
- [ Laughing] Yeah.
721
00:29:19,174 --> 00:29:20,534
Why do you know
so much about wine?
722
00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:24,183
Um, because,
723
00:29:24,805 --> 00:29:26,273
uh...
724
00:29:27,057 --> 00:29:29,731
I was pretty unhappy
in my first marriage,
725
00:29:29,810 --> 00:29:31,278
and I drank a lot,
726
00:29:31,478 --> 00:29:34,231
and, uh, one way to cover
drinking a lot is to just,
727
00:29:34,314 --> 00:29:35,657
like, know a lot about wine.
728
00:29:35,732 --> 00:29:37,279
Wait. I'm sorry.
What did you just say?
729
00:29:37,359 --> 00:29:39,737
That knowing a lot about wine
covers for drinking a lot.
730
00:29:39,820 --> 00:29:42,073
[Laughs] Uh, no, I mean
the huge piece of information
731
00:29:42,155 --> 00:29:43,835
that you're trying
to just blow right past.
732
00:29:43,991 --> 00:29:46,335
Yeah. Yeah, I was married.
733
00:29:46,410 --> 00:29:47,720
- You were married?
- Um... I was.
734
00:29:47,744 --> 00:29:48,836
I was married.
735
00:29:49,371 --> 00:29:51,794
Do you want to talk
about something else or...
736
00:29:52,165 --> 00:29:54,042
Yeah, 'cause I don't really
have any questions.
737
00:29:54,126 --> 00:29:55,298
- No.
- Other than...
738
00:29:55,419 --> 00:29:57,717
When did you get married?
When did you get divorced?
739
00:29:57,796 --> 00:29:59,548
What's his name? How tall is he?
740
00:29:59,631 --> 00:30:00,848
Did you love him?
741
00:30:00,924 --> 00:30:02,301
I guess I have a couple questions.
742
00:30:02,384 --> 00:30:03,384
Uh-huh.
743
00:30:04,177 --> 00:30:08,227
Um, his name was... is Ryan.
744
00:30:08,473 --> 00:30:09,975
We met in college.
745
00:30:10,851 --> 00:30:13,195
Everyone I knew was getting
married super young,
746
00:30:13,270 --> 00:30:19,448
so we did, and, um, one day
I was at a restaurant,
747
00:30:19,609 --> 00:30:22,533
and I saw this couple making out.
748
00:30:23,155 --> 00:30:25,999
And I thought,
749
00:30:26,074 --> 00:30:28,702
"Huh. I don't think about
my husband like that."
750
00:30:28,910 --> 00:30:30,162
"But that's okay."
751
00:30:30,954 --> 00:30:32,797
And then another part
of my brain was like,
752
00:30:32,873 --> 00:30:35,547
"No, that's not okay.
This is your life."
753
00:30:36,168 --> 00:30:37,761
I feel like this is
freaking you out.
754
00:30:37,836 --> 00:30:40,134
- Is this freaking you out?
- It's not freaking me out.
755
00:30:41,840 --> 00:30:43,934
I don't want to put
pressure on you.
756
00:30:44,509 --> 00:30:46,603
And I know it's only been
a few months,
757
00:30:47,095 --> 00:30:49,518
but I just wanted to tell you,
I...
758
00:30:50,932 --> 00:30:53,981
am ...overwhelmed by you.
759
00:30:55,103 --> 00:30:56,980
It's the last thing
I was expecting.
760
00:31:00,150 --> 00:31:02,744
This is also the last thing
I was expecting.
761
00:31:03,570 --> 00:31:06,824
And I also feel completely
overwhelmed by you.
762
00:31:09,493 --> 00:31:11,587
- That's a weird thing to say.
- Why?
763
00:31:11,661 --> 00:31:14,084
I just said what you said,
exactly what you said.
764
00:31:14,164 --> 00:31:16,633
Yeah, it wasn't weird
when I said it.
765
00:31:18,668 --> 00:31:21,091
- No...
- It's okay.
766
00:31:29,846 --> 00:31:31,769
So, listen, my parents are going
767
00:31:31,848 --> 00:31:34,692
- to be in town this weekend.
- Oh, that's great.
768
00:31:34,768 --> 00:31:36,808
Will you maybe want to come
and meet them for lunch?
769
00:31:38,397 --> 00:31:40,946
Oh, we can't 'cause
of the two-day rule, right?
770
00:31:41,358 --> 00:31:43,702
Well, you'll come to Mary's
party Friday night, right?
771
00:31:43,777 --> 00:31:45,171
And then we'll probably
spend the night,
772
00:31:45,195 --> 00:31:47,414
so I won't be able
to see you till Monday, so...
773
00:31:48,073 --> 00:31:51,919
Okay. Well, I would love
to meet your parents.
774
00:31:52,077 --> 00:31:53,545
They live in the city, right?
775
00:31:53,912 --> 00:31:57,086
Well, they live in the suburbs,
776
00:31:57,165 --> 00:31:58,963
and, uh, you know,
777
00:31:59,042 --> 00:32:00,402
I don't really see them very much.
778
00:32:00,669 --> 00:32:02,012
Have they asked about me?
779
00:32:02,087 --> 00:32:03,680
- What do they think?
- Oh, um...
780
00:32:03,755 --> 00:32:05,132
Do they...
Do they want to meet me?
781
00:32:05,215 --> 00:32:06,467
My parents want to meet you.
782
00:32:06,550 --> 00:32:08,518
Of course, of course.
They're dying to meet you.
783
00:32:08,593 --> 00:32:11,062
- Ow. Oh, my God.
- Whoa, you okay?
784
00:32:11,138 --> 00:32:13,015
- Yep.
- What happened?
785
00:32:13,265 --> 00:32:14,305
- Do you...
- Totally fine.
786
00:32:14,683 --> 00:32:15,525
Do you need...
787
00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:16,994
No, I think I just
tweaked my ankle.
788
00:32:17,018 --> 00:32:17,894
Assistance?
789
00:32:17,978 --> 00:32:21,573
I took this stupid hip-hop
dance class last weekend.
790
00:32:21,857 --> 00:32:23,376
You should get it looked at.
Do you want ice?
791
00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:24,585
- I don't need anything.
- I can get you a bag of ice.
792
00:32:24,609 --> 00:32:26,170
Look, I'm walking on it.
I'm totally fine.
793
00:32:26,194 --> 00:32:27,880
- I can carry you.
- Kumail, seriously, stop.
794
00:32:27,904 --> 00:32:28,826
I can carry you
the rest of the day.
795
00:32:28,905 --> 00:32:29,905
Stop.
796
00:32:33,618 --> 00:32:35,461
KUMAIL: Hey, I liked your friends.
797
00:32:36,163 --> 00:32:37,836
That Craig guy?
798
00:32:38,665 --> 00:32:39,882
Or was it Greg?
799
00:32:39,958 --> 00:32:42,177
You know, I can never tell
with those names.
800
00:32:43,086 --> 00:32:44,981
I'm glad I like him 'cause
I don't want have to, like,
801
00:32:45,005 --> 00:32:47,007
come up with excuses
to avoid him, you know?
802
00:32:47,090 --> 00:32:50,890
Like... Like, "Oh, no.
I have kite-surfing tonight."
803
00:32:51,761 --> 00:32:55,106
You know, in the UK,
Craig is pronounced Crayg,
804
00:32:55,682 --> 00:32:58,310
which is good 'cause that's
how it's written, right?
805
00:32:58,685 --> 00:33:00,938
Anyway, he's a great guy.
806
00:33:03,899 --> 00:33:05,572
I was gonna tell you about that.
807
00:33:06,234 --> 00:33:09,488
Are you judging Pakistan's
Next Top Model or something?
808
00:33:09,571 --> 00:33:11,949
- [ Laughs] No.
- Seriously.
809
00:33:12,032 --> 00:33:14,000
- Who are these women?
- Okay, um...
810
00:33:14,326 --> 00:33:16,545
You know how we have
arranged marriage in my culture?
811
00:33:18,413 --> 00:33:19,710
These are those women.
812
00:33:20,332 --> 00:33:23,085
These are women in Pakistan
who want to marry you?
813
00:33:23,418 --> 00:33:24,635
They're not in Pakistan.
814
00:33:25,253 --> 00:33:26,254
You've met these women?
815
00:33:26,338 --> 00:33:29,262
Just with my parents and
stuff, but we haven't, like...
816
00:33:29,591 --> 00:33:31,685
But you're not serious
about this, are you?
817
00:33:31,760 --> 00:33:34,513
It's my mom's thing.
I just go along with it.
818
00:33:35,764 --> 00:33:38,108
So, what does your mom
think about you and me then?
819
00:33:41,770 --> 00:33:43,568
She doesn't know about me,
does she?
820
00:33:45,565 --> 00:33:46,657
No.
821
00:33:51,738 --> 00:33:53,081
[Emily sighs]
822
00:33:54,824 --> 00:33:56,292
- Emily, just...
- Fuck!
823
00:33:56,368 --> 00:33:57,688
Five fucking months of red flags.
824
00:33:58,203 --> 00:33:59,455
Oh, my God, I'm so stupid.
825
00:34:01,081 --> 00:34:02,549
You ducking my parents.
826
00:34:02,832 --> 00:34:05,005
Oh, my God, the two-day rule.
827
00:34:05,085 --> 00:34:06,395
No, that had nothing
to do with it.
828
00:34:06,419 --> 00:34:08,092
Seriously.
Red flag after red flag.
829
00:34:09,422 --> 00:34:11,925
You're such a liar.
You lied to me.
830
00:34:12,008 --> 00:34:13,476
You lied to your parents.
831
00:34:14,261 --> 00:34:15,979
And those are just
the people you like.
832
00:34:16,429 --> 00:34:18,431
Is there someone that
you're not lying to?
833
00:34:18,765 --> 00:34:20,805
I'd love to meet them because
then I could tell them
834
00:34:20,850 --> 00:34:22,662
- what a fucking liar you are!
- You know what?
835
00:34:22,686 --> 00:34:24,622
You didn't tell me about
your divorce until recently.
836
00:34:24,646 --> 00:34:26,489
So, you were hiding
fucking something, too.
837
00:34:26,606 --> 00:34:30,406
My divorce does not mean
that our future is impossible.
838
00:34:30,485 --> 00:34:32,112
It actually means
the direct opposite.
839
00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:34,664
I'm not hiding anything
from you. Okay?
840
00:34:34,906 --> 00:34:36,158
I'm an open fucking book.
841
00:34:36,241 --> 00:34:38,289
You want to know
what's in my cigar box?
842
00:34:39,077 --> 00:34:40,078
[ Crying ] Stickers.
843
00:34:40,537 --> 00:34:41,459
Stickers and stamps.
844
00:34:41,538 --> 00:34:43,266
Aren't you a therapist?
Aren't you supposed to be good
845
00:34:43,290 --> 00:34:45,610
- at handling this kind of...
- Where are my fucking shoes?
846
00:34:46,585 --> 00:34:48,804
Aren't you supposed to be,
like, able to deal with this
847
00:34:48,878 --> 00:34:50,551
better than you are right now?
848
00:34:50,755 --> 00:34:52,632
I am expressing myself!
849
00:34:55,176 --> 00:34:58,020
You know what we call arranged
marriage in Pakistan, Emily?
850
00:34:58,305 --> 00:35:01,309
Marriage. Okay?
We just call it marriage.
851
00:35:01,683 --> 00:35:02,605
There's another type of marriage.
852
00:35:02,684 --> 00:35:04,078
It's called love marriage,
and that's bad.
853
00:35:04,102 --> 00:35:05,538
My cousin Rehan
married an Irish woman,
854
00:35:05,562 --> 00:35:07,155
and he was kicked
out of the family.
855
00:35:07,230 --> 00:35:10,200
Nobody is allowed to talk to him.
856
00:35:10,275 --> 00:35:11,627
Why didn't you tell me
any of this?
857
00:35:11,651 --> 00:35:13,421
Because I didn't think
you'd fucking understand,
858
00:35:13,445 --> 00:35:14,788
and I was fucking right.
859
00:35:15,322 --> 00:35:16,244
You don't think that I could
860
00:35:16,323 --> 00:35:17,341
fathom your life
in any fucking way?
861
00:35:17,365 --> 00:35:18,676
Oh, you think you could
understand me?
862
00:35:18,700 --> 00:35:20,543
I'm fighting
a 1,400-year-old culture.
863
00:35:20,619 --> 00:35:22,417
You were ugly in high school.
864
00:35:22,495 --> 00:35:24,338
There's a big fucking difference.
865
00:35:26,625 --> 00:35:27,877
I'm sorry.
866
00:35:31,296 --> 00:35:32,764
I can't lose my family.
867
00:35:38,428 --> 00:35:40,806
Can you imagine a world in w...
868
00:35:42,724 --> 00:35:44,522
In which we end up together?
869
00:35:48,772 --> 00:35:49,989
I don't know.
870
00:35:52,651 --> 00:35:54,119
[ Sniffles ]
871
00:35:55,195 --> 00:35:56,321
I have to go.
872
00:35:57,447 --> 00:35:59,040
Don't fucking call me.
873
00:36:00,533 --> 00:36:01,533
[ Door slams ]
874
00:36:03,328 --> 00:36:06,457
Multigrain, pumpernickel,
875
00:36:06,665 --> 00:36:11,091
pita bread, hot dog bun, croutons.
876
00:36:11,252 --> 00:36:12,845
I can't eat any of it.
877
00:36:14,381 --> 00:36:15,598
SAM: I don't want kids.
878
00:36:16,007 --> 00:36:19,386
People say, "Sam,
you're gonna love it."
879
00:36:19,594 --> 00:36:20,905
"This kid...
You're gonna have a kid,"
880
00:36:20,929 --> 00:36:22,249
"he's gonna be your best friend."
881
00:36:22,430 --> 00:36:24,182
A best friend that...
882
00:36:24,307 --> 00:36:26,435
that pukes on you
and shits everywhere
883
00:36:26,518 --> 00:36:27,620
and is constantly screaming.
884
00:36:27,644 --> 00:36:29,521
I already have friends like that.
885
00:36:29,688 --> 00:36:31,368
- [ Audience laughs]
- People say, "Sam..."
886
00:36:31,523 --> 00:36:33,283
I know you're bummed,
all right, but, like...
887
00:36:33,608 --> 00:36:35,488
Emily's a good person.
I'm not saying she's not.
888
00:36:35,568 --> 00:36:37,088
All I'm saying is,
this is the universe
889
00:36:37,153 --> 00:36:39,406
telling you, "Seize your moment."
890
00:36:39,489 --> 00:36:41,332
"Be a little selfish
and pursue your career."
891
00:36:41,491 --> 00:36:43,209
Bob Dalavan's gonna be here
on Thursday.
892
00:36:43,284 --> 00:36:44,720
If you get the Montreal
Comedy Festival,
893
00:36:44,744 --> 00:36:46,291
it would change things for you.
894
00:36:46,788 --> 00:36:48,265
You don't want to get stuck
in Chicago, right?
895
00:36:48,289 --> 00:36:50,291
You don't want to end up
like Sam Highsmith,
896
00:36:50,375 --> 00:36:52,343
who's been doing
the "People say Sam" bit
897
00:36:52,419 --> 00:36:53,511
since '03.
898
00:36:53,586 --> 00:36:55,189
- SAM: I don't like kids.
- [ Audience laughs ]
899
00:36:55,213 --> 00:36:56,806
- People say, "Sam..."
- See?
900
00:36:56,881 --> 00:36:58,150
- Is that what you want?
- It's like...
901
00:36:58,174 --> 00:36:59,485
Is that what you want
for your life?
902
00:36:59,509 --> 00:37:01,853
It's amazing.
And it's the same material.
903
00:37:01,928 --> 00:37:03,531
- SAM: What do people say?
- AUDIENCE: Sam.
904
00:37:03,555 --> 00:37:04,907
- SAM: People say what?
- AUDIENCE: Sam.
905
00:37:04,931 --> 00:37:06,649
I'm Sam Highsmith.
Thank you very much.
906
00:37:06,725 --> 00:37:08,119
You know what,
I'm gonna tell him...
907
00:37:08,143 --> 00:37:09,770
- He's a hack.
- How I feel about it.
908
00:37:09,853 --> 00:37:10,913
- Fucking tell him.
- Never writes anything new.
909
00:37:10,937 --> 00:37:12,164
- I'm gonna tell him...
- It's fucking bullshit.
910
00:37:12,188 --> 00:37:13,708
- Great set, dude.
- I'm feeling it, bro.
911
00:37:13,732 --> 00:37:15,692
- Killing me, man.
- Crushing. Love the new stuff.
912
00:37:17,026 --> 00:37:18,129
We should be ashamed of ourselves.
913
00:37:18,153 --> 00:37:19,405
We're weak. We're weak.
914
00:37:19,738 --> 00:37:21,740
WOMAN: I wouldn't call it
an obsession,
915
00:37:21,823 --> 00:37:23,416
but I'm pretty good at magic.
916
00:37:23,533 --> 00:37:25,251
- [ All exclaim ]
- Yeah.
917
00:37:25,660 --> 00:37:27,287
Can you make his belly disappear?
918
00:37:27,370 --> 00:37:29,168
- Oh.
- Come on.
919
00:37:29,247 --> 00:37:30,624
I'm too happy with my belly.
920
00:37:30,707 --> 00:37:31,754
Does anyone have a dollar?
921
00:37:32,125 --> 00:37:33,672
- I will give you something.
- Okay.
922
00:37:34,711 --> 00:37:37,009
- Twenty? Big spender.
- [Laughs]
923
00:37:37,464 --> 00:37:38,932
All right. Andrew Jackson.
924
00:37:39,007 --> 00:37:41,009
Don't you think he would look cool
925
00:37:41,092 --> 00:37:42,719
with a pair of sunglasses?
926
00:37:43,887 --> 00:37:46,060
- Yeah, I really...
- [ All murmuring]
927
00:37:47,515 --> 00:37:50,359
- Okay. Mmm.
- AZMAT: Okay.
928
00:37:51,269 --> 00:37:52,413
- Oh, he's... Okay.
- WOMAN: Right?
929
00:37:52,437 --> 00:37:55,031
- AZMAT: Okay, stylish.
- Yes. Mmm-hmm.
930
00:37:55,690 --> 00:37:56,612
Okay-
931
00:37:56,691 --> 00:37:58,614
And now we sprinkle
the magic dust on.
932
00:37:58,818 --> 00:37:59,865
Just a little bit.
933
00:37:59,944 --> 00:38:01,547
Yeah, you can't do it
without the magic dust. Yeah.
934
00:38:01,571 --> 00:38:03,289
No, yeah, I need it. All right.
935
00:38:04,574 --> 00:38:06,121
- AZMAT: Abracadabra.
- Okay.
936
00:38:07,202 --> 00:38:09,375
- Watching carefully.
- AZMAT: Mmm-hmm.
937
00:38:11,498 --> 00:38:12,715
[All exclaiming]
938
00:38:13,082 --> 00:38:14,129
FATIMA: That is amazing.
939
00:38:14,501 --> 00:38:16,595
And he does look better
with glasses.
940
00:38:16,669 --> 00:38:17,921
- Right?
- He does.
941
00:38:18,004 --> 00:38:18,846
How did you do that?
942
00:38:18,922 --> 00:38:20,720
Oh, no, a magician never
reveals her tricks.
943
00:38:21,007 --> 00:38:21,849
[Laughs]
944
00:38:21,925 --> 00:38:23,472
Here's your 20 back, Mr. Nanjiani.
945
00:38:23,551 --> 00:38:25,929
Do you think I can use this
$20 bill now to buy something?
946
00:38:26,012 --> 00:38:27,389
It look better now, right?
947
00:38:32,352 --> 00:38:34,605
KUMAIL: I was watching this
monster movie with my friend.
948
00:38:34,813 --> 00:38:36,253
And he turned to me,
and he was like,
949
00:38:36,397 --> 00:38:38,240
"What would you do
in that situation?"
950
00:38:39,025 --> 00:38:41,824
I'm never gonna be one
of the last guys alive.
951
00:38:42,028 --> 00:38:43,905
I'm gonna be the first guy to die.
952
00:38:44,322 --> 00:38:46,950
I die so the other characters
get to find out
953
00:38:47,033 --> 00:38:48,706
that something weird's going on.
954
00:38:49,244 --> 00:38:51,212
I go off alone to find the cat.
955
00:38:51,287 --> 00:38:52,960
[Audience laughing ]
956
00:38:53,540 --> 00:38:56,635
I never even find out
that there were monsters.
957
00:38:57,126 --> 00:39:00,426
To me, the plot of the movie was
we're at a research facility
958
00:39:00,505 --> 00:39:02,098
and the cat's missing!
959
00:39:02,465 --> 00:39:03,785
- The end.
- [ Laughing continues]
960
00:39:03,842 --> 00:39:06,937
Denise, this...
961
00:39:07,720 --> 00:39:09,142
is your name in Urdu.
962
00:39:09,222 --> 00:39:11,190
Wow, that is so cool.
963
00:39:12,475 --> 00:39:14,398
- Kumail?
- Hey.
964
00:39:14,477 --> 00:39:17,230
- Hey, Bob Dalavan.
- Yeah. I know you.
965
00:39:17,814 --> 00:39:21,660
Some very interesting premises
in your set tonight.
966
00:39:21,734 --> 00:39:23,156
- Oh, thanks.
- Yeah.
967
00:39:23,236 --> 00:39:24,922
I just wanted you to know.
I'm about to take off.
968
00:39:24,946 --> 00:39:27,745
But you made it to the finals
for the Montreal showcase.
969
00:39:27,824 --> 00:39:29,326
Oh, my God. Thank you.
970
00:39:29,409 --> 00:39:30,786
- You, too, Mary.
- Oh!
971
00:39:30,994 --> 00:39:32,416
_okay. _okay.
972
00:39:32,954 --> 00:39:34,251
So we'll see you guys up there.
973
00:39:34,497 --> 00:39:35,724
- KUMAIL: Yeah.
- We'll be in touch.
974
00:39:35,748 --> 00:39:38,092
- Well, what about C-Dog?
- Who's that?
975
00:39:39,043 --> 00:39:40,420
Uh, me. What about me?
976
00:39:40,503 --> 00:39:41,755
Oh, you know what?
977
00:39:42,964 --> 00:39:44,216
Funny stuff, okay?
978
00:39:44,591 --> 00:39:47,936
_ [ "Eye Of Danger"
by Michigan and Smiley playing]
979
00:39:49,387 --> 00:39:50,730
I'll walk you out.
980
00:39:52,849 --> 00:39:55,898
Hey, do you want to go somewhere?
981
00:39:56,394 --> 00:39:57,896
Yeah, let's go somewhere.
982
00:39:59,522 --> 00:40:02,742
[ The X-Files theme
ringtone playing ]
983
00:40:04,861 --> 00:40:06,534
[ Groans]
984
00:40:16,581 --> 00:40:17,581
Hello?
985
00:40:17,790 --> 00:40:19,337
JESSIE: Kumail, it's Jessie.
986
00:40:20,543 --> 00:40:21,760
Hey. Who?
987
00:40:22,045 --> 00:40:24,013
JESSIE: Jessie.
I'm in school with Emily.
988
00:40:24,255 --> 00:40:25,399
Listen, Emily's in the hospital.
989
00:40:25,423 --> 00:40:26,903
She has a really bad flu
or something.
990
00:40:27,592 --> 00:40:28,434
What?
991
00:40:28,509 --> 00:40:30,011
JESSIE: Could you just go, please?
992
00:40:30,094 --> 00:40:32,222
We need someone there.
We have exams tomorrow,
993
00:40:32,305 --> 00:40:33,898
so nobody else can go.
994
00:40:34,140 --> 00:40:35,392
She's still in the ER.
995
00:40:35,725 --> 00:40:36,994
Could you just go
and sit with her,
996
00:40:37,018 --> 00:40:38,298
and then drive her home, please?
997
00:40:38,436 --> 00:40:39,858
I was there
for as long as I could,
998
00:40:39,938 --> 00:40:41,281
but I had to leave.
999
00:40:43,149 --> 00:40:45,117
[Siren wailing]
1000
00:40:51,908 --> 00:40:54,002
[ Indistinct chattering ]
1001
00:40:54,869 --> 00:40:57,247
Hi. I'm looking for Emily Gardner.
1002
00:40:58,414 --> 00:41:01,509
Um... Emily Gardner.
She was checked in...
1003
00:41:15,473 --> 00:41:17,396
[ Phone ringing]
1004
00:41:30,863 --> 00:41:31,863
Hey.
1005
00:41:34,158 --> 00:41:35,284
What are you doing here?
1006
00:41:35,368 --> 00:41:36,915
Um, Jessie called me
1007
00:41:36,995 --> 00:41:40,499
and wanted me to make sure
you were okay.
1008
00:41:43,751 --> 00:41:44,979
- So how are you doing?
- EMILY: Fine.
1009
00:41:45,003 --> 00:41:46,846
I'm totally fine.
Never been better.
1010
00:41:46,921 --> 00:41:48,548
A 1,000% fine.
1011
00:41:48,923 --> 00:41:51,176
Just, like, fainted a little
at work.
1012
00:41:51,968 --> 00:41:53,436
I didn't have breakfast
this morning.
1013
00:41:54,470 --> 00:41:56,564
Breakfast, the most important
meal of the day.
1014
00:41:56,639 --> 00:41:57,639
You know that.
1015
00:41:59,142 --> 00:42:01,861
Ms. Gardner, your room
will be ready soon, okay?
1016
00:42:01,936 --> 00:42:03,938
Oh, no, no, actually,
I would just love to go home
1017
00:42:04,022 --> 00:42:05,069
and sleep in my own bed.
1018
00:42:05,148 --> 00:42:07,526
Sir, can you step outside
for a moment, please?
1019
00:42:08,276 --> 00:42:10,421
If you want to stay, you have
to go to the security desk
1020
00:42:10,445 --> 00:42:11,287
and get a pass.
1021
00:42:11,362 --> 00:42:12,842
All right.
Where is the security desk?
1022
00:42:13,031 --> 00:42:14,658
It's downstairs,
1023
00:42:15,116 --> 00:42:17,494
exactly where you walked in
at the security desk.
1024
00:42:18,119 --> 00:42:21,043
The security desk is
at the security desk. Got it.
1025
00:42:21,664 --> 00:42:22,711
[ Machine beeping rapidly]
1026
00:42:22,999 --> 00:42:24,279
KUMAIL: Can I get you something?
1027
00:42:24,375 --> 00:42:27,549
Water? Juice? Coffee?
1028
00:42:30,882 --> 00:42:32,509
May I speak with you for a second?
1029
00:42:34,469 --> 00:42:35,516
I'll be right back.
1030
00:42:37,722 --> 00:42:39,645
There's a massive infection
in her lungs,
1031
00:42:39,724 --> 00:42:41,226
and all her vitals are elevated.
1032
00:42:41,476 --> 00:42:42,944
Does she have HIV?
1033
00:42:43,603 --> 00:42:45,105
What? No. I mean, she...
1034
00:42:45,188 --> 00:42:47,407
- Are you her husband?
- No.
1035
00:42:47,565 --> 00:42:49,084
Oh, we need to intubate her
immediately.
1036
00:42:49,108 --> 00:42:50,530
I need a family member
to sign this.
1037
00:42:50,610 --> 00:42:53,079
So I'm gonna ask you again,
are you her husband?
1038
00:42:53,154 --> 00:42:54,701
What does, uh, "intubate" mean?
1039
00:42:54,947 --> 00:42:56,675
We have to put her
on a respirator, and to do that,
1040
00:42:56,699 --> 00:42:58,747
we need to put her
in a medically-induced coma.
1041
00:43:00,453 --> 00:43:01,921
- Coma?
- Yes.
1042
00:43:01,996 --> 00:43:04,215
To stabilize her so we can
work on the infection.
1043
00:43:04,290 --> 00:43:06,133
And it needs to happen right now.
1044
00:43:06,209 --> 00:43:08,803
So, I'm gonna ask you
one last time,
1045
00:43:09,128 --> 00:43:11,005
are you her husband?
1046
00:43:18,596 --> 00:43:19,939
What's going on?
1047
00:43:20,306 --> 00:43:22,525
- What's going on?
- You're gonna be okay.
1048
00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:24,369
- Just relax and...
- Where are you taking me?
1049
00:43:24,393 --> 00:43:26,395
[ Crying ]
1050
00:43:36,280 --> 00:43:37,827
You should call her family.
1051
00:43:44,580 --> 00:43:46,628
[ Heart monitor beeping ]
1052
00:43:58,052 --> 00:43:59,554
[Sighs]
1053
00:44:02,890 --> 00:44:04,312
Sorry.
1054
00:44:15,987 --> 00:44:17,034
[ Groans]
1055
00:44:22,702 --> 00:44:24,329
Hey, Mrs. Gardner, um,
1056
00:44:24,412 --> 00:44:26,164
this is Kumail, Emily's friend.
1057
00:44:26,247 --> 00:44:28,170
Uh, sorry to call you so late.
1058
00:44:28,332 --> 00:44:30,209
Um, Emily's... Emily's fine.
1059
00:44:30,293 --> 00:44:32,466
Just want to get that
taken care of. She's fine.
1060
00:44:32,587 --> 00:44:36,012
Um, she is at City View
Hospital in Chicago
1061
00:44:36,716 --> 00:44:37,842
in a medically-induced coma,
1062
00:44:37,925 --> 00:44:39,393
but the doctors say that all...
1063
00:44:41,137 --> 00:44:42,684
Yes, I did say "coma."
1064
00:44:43,973 --> 00:44:45,475
[ Heart monitor beeping ]
1065
00:44:46,267 --> 00:44:47,894
[ Exhales ]
1066
00:45:15,254 --> 00:45:16,551
[ Yawns ]
1067
00:45:31,354 --> 00:45:33,573
Hey. I'm Kumail.
1068
00:45:37,026 --> 00:45:38,369
We know who you are, Kumail.
1069
00:45:38,778 --> 00:45:40,121
Mr. and Mrs. Gardner,
1070
00:45:40,196 --> 00:45:41,914
the doctors would like
to see you now.
1071
00:45:43,157 --> 00:45:44,579
[Whispering ] I'll be right back.
1072
00:45:53,960 --> 00:45:55,086
[ Door opens ]
1073
00:45:55,711 --> 00:45:57,839
Uh, listen, the doctor
will be here any minute.
1074
00:45:57,922 --> 00:45:59,469
She's just running a little late.
1075
00:46:00,758 --> 00:46:03,227
Don't read anything into this
being the bereavement room.
1076
00:46:03,552 --> 00:46:05,179
It's the only room
we had available.
1077
00:46:05,388 --> 00:46:07,686
TERRY: Okay. Thank you. Okay.
NURSE: Okay.
1078
00:46:18,776 --> 00:46:20,653
- Terry, Terry, I... I...
- It's...
1079
00:46:20,736 --> 00:46:22,738
- It's driving me insane.
- Yes, I know, I know,
1080
00:46:22,822 --> 00:46:23,942
but it makes me feel better.
1081
00:46:25,116 --> 00:46:26,242
I just...
1082
00:46:27,159 --> 00:46:29,878
Hello. No. Please sit. Please sit.
1083
00:46:30,162 --> 00:46:32,961
I'm Dr. Cunningham,
Emily's attending.
1084
00:46:33,499 --> 00:46:35,217
I'll be coordinating
all the doctors
1085
00:46:35,293 --> 00:46:37,341
and orchestrating
her treatment strategy.
1086
00:46:37,628 --> 00:46:39,175
All the doctors?
How many are there?
1087
00:46:39,255 --> 00:46:40,552
- Five.
- BETH: Five?
1088
00:46:40,881 --> 00:46:42,724
Why so many? I mean, is that...
Is that normal?
1089
00:46:42,800 --> 00:46:45,144
Yes. It's standard
for patients in the ICU.
1090
00:46:45,553 --> 00:46:47,030
We come at it
from many angles, we confer...
1091
00:46:47,054 --> 00:46:47,896
DOCTOR: After assessing her,
1092
00:46:47,972 --> 00:46:50,225
we immediately initiated
orotracheal intubation.
1093
00:46:50,308 --> 00:46:52,244
Thankfully, it hasn't affected
her heart at this point.
1094
00:46:52,268 --> 00:46:54,308
We don't know the exact
nature of the infection yet,
1095
00:46:54,603 --> 00:46:56,563
but we got her on a broad
spectrum of antibiotics.
1096
00:46:56,605 --> 00:46:57,805
Battling critical infection
1097
00:46:57,857 --> 00:46:59,293
centering around
the costodiaphragmatic recess.
1098
00:46:59,317 --> 00:47:01,365
Our theory
is methicillin-resistant
1099
00:47:01,444 --> 00:47:02,444
staphylococcus aureus.
1100
00:47:02,486 --> 00:47:03,755
Staphyl... Hold on. That's a "P"?
1101
00:47:03,779 --> 00:47:04,621
Yeah.
1102
00:47:04,697 --> 00:47:05,573
That's an "F" or a "P-H"?
1103
00:47:05,656 --> 00:47:07,203
P-H. No. It's staphylococcus...
1104
00:47:07,283 --> 00:47:10,378
[ Overlapping chatter]
1105
00:47:17,710 --> 00:47:19,678
That was very reassuring,
wasn't it?
1106
00:47:22,048 --> 00:47:25,268
Apparently, there are good
and bad comas,
1107
00:47:25,343 --> 00:47:28,017
and the kind that they put her in,
1108
00:47:28,095 --> 00:47:29,990
the medically-induced coma,
are definitely, like,
1109
00:47:30,014 --> 00:47:31,732
the good kind of coma.
1110
00:47:33,267 --> 00:47:34,985
[ Phone ringing]
1111
00:47:37,104 --> 00:47:40,278
Like... You know how
there are good and bad carbs?
1112
00:47:45,071 --> 00:47:46,539
[ Indistinct chatter]
1113
00:47:46,614 --> 00:47:48,787
Gremlins.
Those can be good or bad.
1114
00:47:48,866 --> 00:47:50,539
Listen, Kumail... Uh...
1115
00:47:51,952 --> 00:47:54,421
We're gonna handle things
from here, okay?
1116
00:47:54,497 --> 00:47:55,714
You've been very helpful.
1117
00:47:56,248 --> 00:47:59,127
Thank you for...
For signing the thing, and...
1118
00:47:59,210 --> 00:48:00,427
Yeah, my pleasure.
1119
00:48:00,503 --> 00:48:02,050
But, uh, you can go now.
1120
00:48:03,172 --> 00:48:05,049
- Okay. Um...
- All right?
1121
00:48:05,299 --> 00:48:06,299
All right.
1122
00:48:09,053 --> 00:48:10,521
Peace in the Mideast.
1123
00:48:17,478 --> 00:48:18,478
What about this?
1124
00:48:18,521 --> 00:48:20,398
I saw a sniffer dog
at the airport.
1125
00:48:20,648 --> 00:48:21,774
He had a boner.
1126
00:48:21,857 --> 00:48:23,734
Does that mean drugs or bombs?
1127
00:48:24,610 --> 00:48:25,611
That's good. What if...
1128
00:48:25,694 --> 00:48:27,412
What if instead of it
being at the airport,
1129
00:48:27,780 --> 00:48:30,533
you quit comedy and never
do comedy ever again?
1130
00:48:30,616 --> 00:48:31,458
Yeah.
1131
00:48:31,534 --> 00:48:32,854
CHRIS: Fuck you! It's a good bit.
1132
00:48:32,910 --> 00:48:33,752
That's a funny bit.
1133
00:48:33,828 --> 00:48:35,430
Just for the sake of the public
that they wouldn't have
1134
00:48:35,454 --> 00:48:37,307
to look at your face
or hear your words. That's...
1135
00:48:37,331 --> 00:48:39,129
Hey, it's okay
that I'm not there, right?
1136
00:48:40,376 --> 00:48:43,175
Like... I don't need
to be there, right?
1137
00:48:43,587 --> 00:48:44,804
What's up? What happened?
1138
00:48:45,172 --> 00:48:46,765
He put his girlfriend in a coma.
1139
00:48:46,841 --> 00:48:48,013
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
1140
00:48:48,217 --> 00:48:50,153
- You know, the way you do.
- She's not my girlfriend.
1141
00:48:50,177 --> 00:48:51,377
MARY: He didn't, but he signed
1142
00:48:51,429 --> 00:48:53,852
a paper that allowed doctors
to put...
1143
00:48:54,223 --> 00:48:55,223
He suggested it.
1144
00:48:55,516 --> 00:48:56,618
KUMAIL: She's gonna be fine.
1145
00:48:56,642 --> 00:48:58,787
She's gonna be fine. They said
she's gonna be fine, so...
1146
00:48:58,811 --> 00:49:00,984
They're gonna be fine.
Doctors know medical stuff.
1147
00:49:01,063 --> 00:49:01,985
MARY: Mmm-hmm.
1148
00:49:02,064 --> 00:49:03,959
That's what doctors do.
They're good at medical stuff.
1149
00:49:03,983 --> 00:49:05,906
This is a medically-induced coma.
1150
00:49:05,985 --> 00:49:07,453
This is their specialty.
1151
00:49:07,528 --> 00:49:08,404
Maybe.
1152
00:49:08,487 --> 00:49:09,798
You know,
it might be a good thing.
1153
00:49:09,822 --> 00:49:11,422
Like, she might wake up
with a new skill.
1154
00:49:11,449 --> 00:49:13,372
Like, my cousin, uh,
blacked out once, and then,
1155
00:49:13,451 --> 00:49:15,704
when he came to, he thought
he knew a different language.
1156
00:49:16,120 --> 00:49:17,838
- Did he?
- No. Apparently, it was...
1157
00:49:17,913 --> 00:49:19,631
It was just gibberish
that he made up.
1158
00:49:19,707 --> 00:49:20,924
It was brain damage.
1159
00:49:24,336 --> 00:49:25,804
SAM: I got another Taco Bell one.
1160
00:49:26,088 --> 00:49:29,467
["Catch Me I'm Falling"
by Pretty Poison playing ]
1161
00:49:29,675 --> 00:49:32,519
[ Indistinct chatter]
1162
00:49:40,186 --> 00:49:41,438
[ Phone ringing]
1163
00:49:42,646 --> 00:49:43,772
Did you forget somethin'?
1164
00:49:44,857 --> 00:49:46,825
- Is she up yet?
- TERRY: No, she's not.
1165
00:49:46,901 --> 00:49:48,869
And, uh, they won't
tell us anything.
1166
00:49:49,737 --> 00:49:51,330
We've been here all morning.
[ Sighs ]
1167
00:49:52,281 --> 00:49:54,625
I know you guys said
that you don't need me to stay,
1168
00:49:54,700 --> 00:49:56,794
but I think I'm just
gonna wait anyway.
1169
00:49:56,869 --> 00:49:57,961
BETH: You guys broke up.
1170
00:49:58,037 --> 00:50:00,881
I'm not sure why you're here.
1171
00:50:03,542 --> 00:50:05,135
You don't have to worry
1172
00:50:05,211 --> 00:50:06,851
about being committed
to anything, Kumail.
1173
00:50:07,046 --> 00:50:08,523
You didn't want to
when she was awake.
1174
00:50:08,547 --> 00:50:10,845
There's no need to do it
when she's unconscious.
1175
00:50:11,300 --> 00:50:13,018
It's more complicated than that.
1176
00:50:13,093 --> 00:50:15,687
Is it? 'Cause I know
about the two-day rule.
1177
00:50:16,388 --> 00:50:18,516
I know about the head shots
and the secrets.
1178
00:50:19,141 --> 00:50:20,484
She tells us everything.
1179
00:50:20,809 --> 00:50:23,733
You really don't
have to stay, Kumail.
1180
00:50:23,812 --> 00:50:26,315
You have already done
[ Mouthing ] a lot.
1181
00:50:28,234 --> 00:50:30,032
I'm just gonna stay for a second.
1182
00:50:32,571 --> 00:50:34,619
Is this seat... Okay.
1183
00:50:38,035 --> 00:50:39,878
[ Indistinct conversations ]
1184
00:50:51,257 --> 00:50:53,760
Is... Is that lady
still looking at me?
1185
00:50:54,385 --> 00:50:56,387
[ Indistinct chattering ]
1186
00:50:59,431 --> 00:51:00,603
TERRY: Oh. Hey.
1187
00:51:00,683 --> 00:51:02,856
[ Beth and Terry
conversing indistinctly]
1188
00:51:05,020 --> 00:51:06,397
[ Terry whistles ]
1189
00:51:06,772 --> 00:51:09,070
MAN ON PA: Mr. Cuevas,
please see Dr. Toscado.
1190
00:51:09,775 --> 00:51:11,743
Mr. Cuevas,
please see Dr. Toscado.
1191
00:51:12,319 --> 00:51:13,319
TERRY: Yeah.
1192
00:51:13,362 --> 00:51:15,740
Yeah, come on.
There's no reason, uh...
1193
00:51:16,740 --> 00:51:18,913
Should eat there by yourself,
right, hon?
1194
00:51:19,285 --> 00:51:20,537
It's a free country.
1195
00:51:26,917 --> 00:51:28,089
How's your sandwich?
1196
00:51:28,752 --> 00:51:30,470
Best fuckin' sandwich leverhad.
1197
00:51:33,382 --> 00:51:34,679
TERRY: Mine's good.
1198
00:51:35,968 --> 00:51:38,096
Tuna's always a gamble, but,
1199
00:51:38,721 --> 00:51:39,990
you know, we're not by the water.
1200
00:51:40,014 --> 00:51:42,642
Well, we are by the water.
But it's a lake.
1201
00:51:43,892 --> 00:51:45,519
There's no tuna in the lake.
1202
00:51:47,479 --> 00:51:49,857
Whatever. I... I threw the dice.
1203
00:51:51,358 --> 00:51:54,202
I got the sevens, I guess.
1204
00:51:54,361 --> 00:51:56,363
Whatever... Whatever
the good dice number is.
1205
00:51:56,989 --> 00:51:58,161
So, uh...
1206
00:51:59,366 --> 00:52:00,583
9/11.
1207
00:52:03,662 --> 00:52:04,788
No, I mean...
1208
00:52:05,247 --> 00:52:07,625
I've always wanted
to have a conversation with...
1209
00:52:08,167 --> 00:52:09,167
About it.
1210
00:52:09,293 --> 00:52:13,264
With... people.
1211
00:52:14,089 --> 00:52:16,467
You've never talked
to people about 9/11?
1212
00:52:16,800 --> 00:52:19,428
No, what's your...
What's your stance?
1213
00:52:20,721 --> 00:52:22,723
What's my stance on 9/11?
1214
00:52:23,515 --> 00:52:24,983
Oh, um...
1215
00:52:26,685 --> 00:52:27,685
Anti.
1216
00:52:28,270 --> 00:52:29,567
It was a tragedy.
1217
00:52:30,773 --> 00:52:33,026
I mean,
we lost 19 of our best guys.
1218
00:52:33,317 --> 00:52:34,443
Huh?
1219
00:52:36,654 --> 00:52:38,372
That was a joke. Obviously.
1220
00:52:39,073 --> 00:52:41,075
9/11 was a terrible tragedy,
1221
00:52:41,784 --> 00:52:44,412
and it's not funny
to joke about it.
1222
00:52:44,495 --> 00:52:46,873
- [ PA beeps ]
- MAN: Mr. and Mrs. Gardner,
1223
00:52:46,955 --> 00:52:48,707
please report to the ICU.
1224
00:52:49,416 --> 00:52:50,838
Mr. and Mrs. Gardner...
1225
00:52:50,918 --> 00:52:52,886
- All right. Come on.
- To the ICU. Thank you.
1226
00:52:52,961 --> 00:52:54,087
Hey, can I come?
1227
00:52:54,171 --> 00:52:55,388
- No.
- Yeah.
1228
00:52:56,340 --> 00:52:57,466
Yeah.
1229
00:52:58,342 --> 00:52:59,559
Whatever.
1230
00:53:00,552 --> 00:53:01,895
CUNNINGHAM: Hello, come in.
1231
00:53:02,096 --> 00:53:03,518
Please, have a seat.
1232
00:53:09,603 --> 00:53:11,480
I know this isn't the news
you were hoping for,
1233
00:53:11,814 --> 00:53:14,033
but we aren't ready to bring
Emily out of the coma yet.
1234
00:53:14,108 --> 00:53:15,108
Oh.
1235
00:53:15,442 --> 00:53:17,285
Why? Uh, what happened?
1236
00:53:17,361 --> 00:53:19,506
The antibiotics aren't doing
what we'd hoped they would,
1237
00:53:19,530 --> 00:53:20,873
and we don't want to mess around,
1238
00:53:21,031 --> 00:53:23,079
so tomorrow morning,
we're gonna perform surgery
1239
00:53:23,158 --> 00:53:24,159
to remove the infection.
1240
00:53:24,243 --> 00:53:26,166
[ Stammering ]
Oh, wait one second.
1241
00:53:26,245 --> 00:53:29,044
Dr. Spellman told us that
the antibiotics would work.
1242
00:53:29,123 --> 00:53:29,965
Yeah.
1243
00:53:30,040 --> 00:53:31,976
I mean, he didn't say
anything at all about surgery.
1244
00:53:32,000 --> 00:53:34,104
So what does that mean?
Surgery? What kind of surgery?
1245
00:53:34,128 --> 00:53:36,597
It's called thoracentesis.
It's a very common procedure.
1246
00:53:36,672 --> 00:53:40,017
We're gonna go in between the
ribs and remove the infection.
1247
00:53:40,092 --> 00:53:41,986
TERRY: How do you spell that,
please? And what is it?
1248
00:53:42,010 --> 00:53:43,238
What's the name?
What's the last part?
1249
00:53:43,262 --> 00:53:44,614
- Thora...
- And the infection is... is...
1250
00:53:44,638 --> 00:53:45,699
- On the lung.
- "Thora" what? "Thora" what?
1251
00:53:45,723 --> 00:53:46,599
- And we're going to remove it.
- What is it?
1252
00:53:46,682 --> 00:53:49,105
Thoracentesis. C-E-N-T-E-S-I-S.
1253
00:53:49,184 --> 00:53:50,995
BETH: And what's the risk?
TERRY: It's a common thing
1254
00:53:51,019 --> 00:53:52,497
- that they do?
- CUNNINGHAM: Low. Yes.
1255
00:53:52,521 --> 00:53:53,613
My advice to you
1256
00:53:54,273 --> 00:53:56,992
is that you go home,
you get something to eat,
1257
00:53:57,609 --> 00:53:59,031
and try to relax.
1258
00:54:26,430 --> 00:54:28,057
TERRY:
She left the lights on, huh?
1259
00:54:29,892 --> 00:54:31,610
BETH: My favorite sweater.
1260
00:54:37,107 --> 00:54:39,485
- I'm gonna do some research.
- Oh, hey.
1261
00:54:39,568 --> 00:54:41,070
That's the book I gave her.
1262
00:54:41,695 --> 00:54:42,947
No, I gave her that one.
1263
00:54:43,030 --> 00:54:45,749
Hey, do you have that little
notebook from the doctor's?
1264
00:54:47,409 --> 00:54:48,887
- This is the book I gave her.
- Uh...
1265
00:54:48,911 --> 00:54:50,791
I'm just gonna clean up
Emily's room real quick.
1266
00:54:50,871 --> 00:54:52,088
BETH: No, I... I remember.
1267
00:54:52,164 --> 00:54:53,882
I met her at the falafel place,
1268
00:54:53,957 --> 00:54:55,550
and then we went to that bookstore
1269
00:54:55,626 --> 00:54:57,720
that's hardly ever open,
and I bought it for her.
1270
00:54:57,795 --> 00:54:59,835
TERRY: You're not the only one
who gives her things.
1271
00:54:59,922 --> 00:55:00,923
What's up with you?
1272
00:55:01,006 --> 00:55:02,358
TERRY: I'm just tired
of you thinking
1273
00:55:02,382 --> 00:55:03,610
you're the only one
who gives her things.
1274
00:55:03,634 --> 00:55:04,726
I gave her that book.
1275
00:55:05,135 --> 00:55:08,480
BETH: Look at the inscription.
TERRY: No. No, that's stupid.
1276
00:55:09,973 --> 00:55:13,523
[ Indistinct chatter]
1277
00:55:24,112 --> 00:55:25,329
[ Inaudible]
1278
00:55:39,878 --> 00:55:41,221
- Hey, uh, Kumail.
- Hey.
1279
00:55:42,089 --> 00:55:43,682
Oh. Hey. Sorry.
1280
00:55:43,841 --> 00:55:45,093
Didn't mean to surprise you.
1281
00:55:45,801 --> 00:55:47,612
I was just wondering,
are we gonna do anything?
1282
00:55:47,636 --> 00:55:49,889
- You got any parlor games?
- L... I don't...
1283
00:55:49,972 --> 00:55:51,189
What are parlor games?
1284
00:55:51,515 --> 00:55:53,438
Card games. Word games.
1285
00:55:53,725 --> 00:55:54,817
Play any word games?
1286
00:55:54,893 --> 00:55:56,941
- Um, no, I've never...
- You ever play...
1287
00:55:57,729 --> 00:56:00,198
- You Can't Rhyme It?
- How does that go?
1288
00:56:00,566 --> 00:56:02,239
It's... Eh, basically, you know,
1289
00:56:02,401 --> 00:56:04,449
you try to find out a word,
a real word,
1290
00:56:04,528 --> 00:56:06,371
- that nobody can rhyme.
- Okay.
1291
00:56:06,697 --> 00:56:07,789
- And then...
- Stonehenge.
1292
00:56:09,992 --> 00:56:11,289
Yeah, see, you would win.
1293
00:56:11,368 --> 00:56:12,848
- Ah. Hmm.
- Yeah. That'd be a winner.
1294
00:56:13,912 --> 00:56:15,914
I don't play board games.
I play, like...
1295
00:56:16,623 --> 00:56:18,184
- I play video games.
- That's the thing.
1296
00:56:18,208 --> 00:56:20,061
Everybody now needs, like,
you know, a Nintendo.
1297
00:56:20,085 --> 00:56:22,634
A game thing. The thing.
Electronics. $1,000.
1298
00:56:22,921 --> 00:56:25,219
When I was a kid,
piece of chalk and a pavement,
1299
00:56:25,299 --> 00:56:26,676
and that's your entertainment.
1300
00:56:26,800 --> 00:56:28,677
Hopscotch. Tic-tac-toe.
1301
00:56:28,969 --> 00:56:30,609
- Throw the chalk at Jimmy.
- [ Chuckles ]
1302
00:56:30,846 --> 00:56:32,393
There you go.
Three games right there.
1303
00:56:32,472 --> 00:56:33,598
Jimmy was a real guy?
1304
00:56:33,682 --> 00:56:35,980
Yeah, well, I mean,
there was no particular Jimmy.
1305
00:56:36,059 --> 00:56:37,453
You know, whoever got hit
with the chalk,
1306
00:56:37,477 --> 00:56:39,289
- he was the Jimmy.
- [ The X-Files theme playing ]
1307
00:56:39,313 --> 00:56:40,313
Uh...
1308
00:56:40,606 --> 00:56:43,200
I'm just trying to figure out,
you know, what to do.
1309
00:56:43,275 --> 00:56:45,323
Yeah. I...
Tonight's no good for me.
1310
00:56:45,402 --> 00:56:46,699
I'd love to, but, um...
1311
00:56:47,237 --> 00:56:50,958
I'm actually, uh...
I'm actually gigging tonight,
1312
00:56:51,033 --> 00:56:52,831
which is, like,
an industry word we use
1313
00:56:52,910 --> 00:56:55,163
for when we do,
like, shows and stuff, so...
1314
00:56:55,245 --> 00:56:56,838
- Really?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1315
00:56:56,914 --> 00:56:59,463
There's a big Montreal Comedy
Festival audition coming up,
1316
00:56:59,541 --> 00:57:02,636
and, um... I'm actually
headlining tonight, so, yeah.
1317
00:57:02,920 --> 00:57:03,967
Oh, wow. Hey.
1318
00:57:04,046 --> 00:57:05,593
I should... I should...
Run on out.
1319
00:57:05,672 --> 00:57:07,358
Wow, that's cool. I haven't
been to a comedy club since...
1320
00:57:07,382 --> 00:57:09,726
Oh, boy. Since the '80s, right?
1321
00:57:09,801 --> 00:57:11,519
Rita Rudner over at Caroline's.
1322
00:57:11,595 --> 00:57:13,518
- Remember that, hon?
- Christ. I...
1323
00:57:13,597 --> 00:57:16,942
A pleural effusion of the empyema.
1324
00:57:17,100 --> 00:57:18,568
Maybe we should go, huh?
1325
00:57:18,644 --> 00:57:20,288
Maybe we should go to Kumail's
show. What do you think?
1326
00:57:20,312 --> 00:57:21,814
- Wouldn't that be fun?
- Oh, my God!
1327
00:57:22,230 --> 00:57:25,154
- These... pictures are horrible.
- Okay, listen.
1328
00:57:25,233 --> 00:57:26,794
Why don't we go
to the comedy club with him?
1329
00:57:26,818 --> 00:57:28,963
And this... It'll take our
mind off of things right now.
1330
00:57:28,987 --> 00:57:31,035
I don't want
to take my mind off it, Terry.
1331
00:57:31,281 --> 00:57:32,954
Our daughter's having
surgery tomorrow.
1332
00:57:33,033 --> 00:57:34,033
Please.
1333
00:57:34,076 --> 00:57:35,916
- That's a fair point.
- Please, please listen.
1334
00:57:36,286 --> 00:57:37,538
I need the distraction.
1335
00:57:38,038 --> 00:57:39,631
- Well, then why don't you go?
- No.
1336
00:57:39,706 --> 00:57:40,958
I want you to come with me.
1337
00:57:41,166 --> 00:57:42,167
I don't want to go alone.
1338
00:57:43,877 --> 00:57:46,926
Okay. But I'm bringing my iPad.
1339
00:57:47,005 --> 00:57:48,257
Ah, it's sold out.
1340
00:57:48,715 --> 00:57:50,183
I should have said it
1341
00:57:50,258 --> 00:57:52,807
before you guys
had the whole discussion.
1342
00:57:53,095 --> 00:57:54,438
It sold out, like, super quickly.
1343
00:57:54,513 --> 00:57:56,273
They were shocked
at how quickly it sold out.
1344
00:57:56,306 --> 00:57:58,684
- Like... [Whistles]
- Well, you can get us in.
1345
00:57:59,476 --> 00:58:01,329
You're the headliner, right?
That's what you said.
1346
00:58:01,353 --> 00:58:02,413
I mean, if you're the headliner,
1347
00:58:02,437 --> 00:58:03,313
you can get two more in, right?
1348
00:58:03,397 --> 00:58:05,149
- That's a good point.
- Yeah.
1349
00:58:05,899 --> 00:58:07,993
We'll sit in the back, right?
We'll sit in the back.
1350
00:58:08,110 --> 00:58:09,282
They got food there?
1351
00:58:09,611 --> 00:58:12,160
Yeah, they've got
waffle fries and, um...
1352
00:58:12,572 --> 00:58:13,664
Yeah.
1353
00:58:16,118 --> 00:58:17,595
The hospital
had the waffle fries, too.
1354
00:58:17,619 --> 00:58:18,619
Right.
1355
00:58:18,745 --> 00:58:20,122
[ Dog barking ]
1356
00:58:20,497 --> 00:58:22,875
I... I actually have
never been to Pakistan.
1357
00:58:22,958 --> 00:58:24,435
My parents moved here
for grad school,
1358
00:58:24,459 --> 00:58:26,006
and then they just stayed here.
1359
00:58:26,461 --> 00:58:27,804
I've never even been to Canada.
1360
00:58:27,879 --> 00:58:29,631
[All laugh]
1361
00:58:30,590 --> 00:58:33,514
So, um, when is Kumail coming?
1362
00:58:33,593 --> 00:58:35,391
He's coming. Right, Naveed?
1363
00:58:35,637 --> 00:58:37,059
- Ah. Huh.
- Traffic.
1364
00:58:37,139 --> 00:58:39,608
I heard there's, uh,
bumper-to-bumper traffic
1365
00:58:39,683 --> 00:58:41,060
on the Dan Ryan Expressway.
1366
00:58:41,143 --> 00:58:42,829
- That's weird, because...
- You know, rush hour.
1367
00:58:42,853 --> 00:58:45,151
I took the Dan Ryan
Expressway here.
1368
00:58:45,564 --> 00:58:47,783
[ Clock ticking ]
1369
00:58:48,233 --> 00:58:50,656
- [ Audience laughing ]
- What is your dad's sister's
1370
00:58:50,944 --> 00:58:53,993
favorite kind of music
to dance to?
1371
00:58:54,322 --> 00:58:56,467
- Emily's parents are here.
- Aunts, aunts, aunts, aunts.
1372
00:58:56,491 --> 00:58:58,251
- Tonight? Why?
- Get it? 'Cause it's "aunt."
1373
00:58:58,285 --> 00:58:59,502
It's "aunts." It's "aunts."
1374
00:58:59,578 --> 00:59:00,921
All right, forget it. All right.
1375
00:59:00,996 --> 00:59:01,872
[Audience laughing ]
1376
00:59:01,955 --> 00:59:03,395
Uh, is anybody here
from out of town?
1377
00:59:03,540 --> 00:59:04,757
[ Scattered applause ]
1378
00:59:04,833 --> 00:59:06,130
All right, a few, a few.
1379
00:59:06,251 --> 00:59:07,719
What's your name, sir?
1380
00:59:08,128 --> 00:59:09,129
Uh, Terry.
1381
00:59:09,296 --> 00:59:11,390
Terry. And, uh, who's this
lovely lady next to you?
1382
00:59:11,465 --> 00:59:13,012
Oh, my God. That's Emily's dad.
1383
00:59:13,091 --> 00:59:14,809
Is that cloth? Little terry cloth?
1384
00:59:14,885 --> 00:59:16,853
- [ Scattered laughter]
- It's Beth.
1385
00:59:16,928 --> 00:59:18,771
Beth. That's pretty close.
1386
00:59:18,847 --> 00:59:20,064
Why would he do this?
1387
00:59:20,140 --> 00:59:21,483
Terry, Beth, where you guys from?
1388
00:59:21,558 --> 00:59:24,402
- We're from North Carolina.
- Ooh.
1389
00:59:24,478 --> 00:59:27,072
North Carolina. Tar Heel state.
1390
00:59:27,147 --> 00:59:28,319
- Stop. Stop it.
- Oh.
1391
00:59:28,398 --> 00:59:30,598
Home of Krispy Kreme donuts.
What brings you to Chicago?
1392
00:59:31,693 --> 00:59:32,945
Our daughter's in a coma.
1393
00:59:39,868 --> 00:59:42,212
Yeah, uh, how... What, uh...
Where are you from?
1394
00:59:44,456 --> 00:59:45,878
Okay, it's getting late.
1395
00:59:45,957 --> 00:59:47,300
- I should go.
- ALL: No, no, no.
1396
00:59:47,375 --> 00:59:48,853
- Betho, betho. He will be here.
- AZMAT: Hold on, hold on.
1397
00:59:48,877 --> 00:59:50,917
I think I should call him up.
I'll just call him up.
1398
00:59:51,004 --> 00:59:52,301
Hello? Kum-beta?
1399
00:59:52,923 --> 00:59:54,203
What do you mean, who's calling?
1400
00:59:54,257 --> 00:59:55,383
This is your father.
1401
00:59:56,009 --> 00:59:57,181
Okay, okay, okay.
1402
00:59:57,844 --> 00:59:58,970
He will be here any moment.
1403
00:59:59,179 --> 01:00:01,853
[All speaking Urdu]
1404
01:00:04,476 --> 01:00:07,104
I... I think I should
make something clear. Um...
1405
01:00:07,687 --> 01:00:10,281
[Speaking Urdu]
1406
01:00:17,906 --> 01:00:19,078
[ Laughs nervously]
1407
01:00:26,915 --> 01:00:29,213
[Singing in Urdu]
1408
01:00:37,342 --> 01:00:39,811
- [ All laughing]
- I want to name my kid Void,
1409
01:00:40,137 --> 01:00:42,731
so he won't be able to cash
any of his paychecks.
1410
01:00:43,056 --> 01:00:44,228
[ Scattered laughter]
1411
01:00:44,307 --> 01:00:46,651
"I'm sorry, sir,
this says 'Void' on it."
1412
01:00:47,060 --> 01:00:49,028
"But that's my name."
1413
01:00:49,646 --> 01:00:51,990
"Curse you, Father!"
1414
01:00:53,150 --> 01:00:55,073
I work on the second floor
of the bank
1415
01:00:56,528 --> 01:00:59,702
- in this fantasy scenario.
- Go back to ISIS.
1416
01:00:59,948 --> 01:01:02,068
- [ Audience murmuring]
- WOMAN: Did he just say that?
1417
01:01:02,826 --> 01:01:04,419
Toast is a really strange food.
1418
01:01:04,494 --> 01:01:05,638
What... What did you just say?
1419
01:01:05,662 --> 01:01:06,764
You put bread, and you make it...
1420
01:01:06,788 --> 01:01:08,028
TERRY: It was nothing. Come on.
1421
01:01:08,206 --> 01:01:10,334
I said he should go back to ISIS.
1422
01:01:10,417 --> 01:01:12,260
[Audience murmuring ]
1423
01:01:12,502 --> 01:01:14,105
- Toast is the only food...
- BETH: No, I mean,
1424
01:01:14,129 --> 01:01:16,052
that is a really confusing
position.
1425
01:01:16,131 --> 01:01:18,008
I mean, do you want
ISIS to have more people?
1426
01:01:18,216 --> 01:01:19,593
No, I was saying that...
1427
01:01:19,676 --> 01:01:21,696
Guess what, everybody?
We got an ISIS recruiter here.
1428
01:01:21,720 --> 01:01:22,846
[ People laughing]
1429
01:01:22,929 --> 01:01:24,689
All right, glad we got
to the bottom of that.
1430
01:01:25,015 --> 01:01:26,062
Toast is like a...
1431
01:01:26,141 --> 01:01:27,702
What is it about him
that made you say that?
1432
01:01:27,726 --> 01:01:29,694
I think we know what
the answer is. I don't...
1433
01:01:29,769 --> 01:01:30,830
Lady, I wasn't talking to you.
1434
01:01:30,854 --> 01:01:31,946
What is it about him?
1435
01:01:32,022 --> 01:01:32,864
We don't have to
go down this path.
1436
01:01:32,939 --> 01:01:33,781
We know what's at the end of it...
1437
01:01:33,857 --> 01:01:35,109
'Cause of how he looks.
1438
01:01:35,567 --> 01:01:37,410
- [ Audience murmurs ]
- There it is.
1439
01:01:37,777 --> 01:01:38,949
That is like saying
1440
01:01:39,029 --> 01:01:41,782
that all frat boys
wearing country club hats
1441
01:01:41,865 --> 01:01:43,208
and Hawaiian shirts
1442
01:01:43,283 --> 01:01:44,719
have shriveled-up,
tiny, little dicks.
1443
01:01:44,743 --> 01:01:45,790
[Audience laughing ]
1444
01:01:45,952 --> 01:01:47,420
Okay, actually... Actually, Beth,
1445
01:01:47,495 --> 01:01:49,668
this is a bad way for you
to find out, but he's right.
1446
01:01:49,831 --> 01:01:51,504
I actually am a terrorist.
1447
01:01:52,209 --> 01:01:54,086
I just do stand-up comedy
on the side
1448
01:01:54,169 --> 01:01:55,466
to keep a low profile.
1449
01:01:55,545 --> 01:01:57,968
- [ Audience laughing ]
- Fuck you.
1450
01:01:58,423 --> 01:01:59,891
First of all, very clever.
1451
01:02:00,133 --> 01:02:03,387
What? Did you...
Did you write that at home?
1452
01:02:03,970 --> 01:02:05,267
[ Scoffs ]
1453
01:02:06,014 --> 01:02:07,014
Toast...
1454
01:02:07,098 --> 01:02:08,020
- is a very strange...
- Fuck you!
1455
01:02:08,099 --> 01:02:09,646
- Fuck you.
- No, fuck you.
1456
01:02:09,726 --> 01:02:10,786
You're a bitch, you know that?
1457
01:02:10,810 --> 01:02:12,608
- Fuck you!
- [ Audience exclaims]
1458
01:02:12,687 --> 01:02:13,984
[ Excited chattering ]
1459
01:02:14,522 --> 01:02:16,069
TERRY: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
1460
01:02:16,149 --> 01:02:18,368
Hey, no. No, no, no, no.
No. Listen.
1461
01:02:18,610 --> 01:02:20,157
Fucking kill you!
1462
01:02:20,403 --> 01:02:22,451
What's your fucking phone number?
1463
01:02:25,200 --> 01:02:26,372
Sorry, everybody.
1464
01:02:26,618 --> 01:02:28,461
- I'm sorry.
- [ Door closes ]
1465
01:02:28,703 --> 01:02:32,082
L... I'm not sorry, actually,
1466
01:02:32,165 --> 01:02:34,418
'cause you're a terrible person.
1467
01:02:35,627 --> 01:02:37,925
I don't want to kick your ass
here in front of everybody.
1468
01:02:38,213 --> 01:02:39,806
- [ Chuckles ]
- Yeah, that's right.
1469
01:02:40,215 --> 01:02:42,013
I got levels, motherfucker. Okay?
1470
01:02:42,342 --> 01:02:44,561
This elevator goes
all the way fucking down,
1471
01:02:44,636 --> 01:02:45,853
you fucking prick!
1472
01:02:56,690 --> 01:02:58,033
I think I'll make tea.
1473
01:03:00,568 --> 01:03:02,195
Actually, I'll open
a bottle of wine.
1474
01:03:03,446 --> 01:03:05,824
Actually, um,
does Emily have whiskey?
1475
01:03:06,283 --> 01:03:07,500
KUMAIL: On top of the fridge.
1476
01:03:09,035 --> 01:03:11,413
So, uh, Cubs doing good, huh?
1477
01:03:12,664 --> 01:03:14,758
I don't know anything
about baseball.
1478
01:03:14,958 --> 01:03:16,084
No? Hmm.
1479
01:03:16,626 --> 01:03:18,173
I'm so sorry about that.
1480
01:03:19,212 --> 01:03:20,509
That was...
1481
01:03:22,674 --> 01:03:24,221
I just sort of lost control.
1482
01:03:24,801 --> 01:03:26,599
- I thought it was sexy.
- Me, too.
1483
01:03:28,263 --> 01:03:29,765
Not like sexy,
1484
01:03:29,889 --> 01:03:34,190
but like cool sexy,
not like aroused sexy.
1485
01:03:35,729 --> 01:03:37,322
I'm gonna not say "sexy" anymore.
1486
01:03:37,731 --> 01:03:39,411
Hey, you guys want
to get something to eat?
1487
01:03:40,108 --> 01:03:41,155
[ Country music playing ]
1488
01:03:41,234 --> 01:03:42,420
TERRY: I know
you guys got a formula.
1489
01:03:42,444 --> 01:03:43,320
You know, I've been
to a couple shows now.
1490
01:03:43,403 --> 01:03:44,495
So is it always like that?
1491
01:03:44,738 --> 01:03:46,661
- Oh, like tonight?
- Yeah.
1492
01:03:46,740 --> 01:03:49,289
No, usually a different mom
comes in to help me.
1493
01:03:50,535 --> 01:03:52,082
I'm joking. No, it's...
1494
01:03:52,162 --> 01:03:54,210
It's not always like that.
I'd quit if it was.
1495
01:03:54,289 --> 01:03:56,417
TERRY: Here's a joke. No.
BETH: No. Terry, don't.
1496
01:03:56,750 --> 01:03:58,752
Terry's about as funny
as a fart at a funeral.
1497
01:03:59,252 --> 01:04:00,469
[Kumail laughs]
1498
01:04:00,628 --> 01:04:02,148
No. This is funny.
This is a funny one.
1499
01:04:02,172 --> 01:04:03,344
- KUMAIL: Okay.
- All right.
1500
01:04:04,049 --> 01:04:06,051
A giraffe walks into a bar,
1501
01:04:06,384 --> 01:04:10,639
and he says to the bartender,
"Highballs on me."
1502
01:04:13,433 --> 01:04:14,480
You get it, right?
1503
01:04:14,851 --> 01:04:16,319
Oh, that was the end of the joke?
1504
01:04:16,394 --> 01:04:17,486
Yeah, of course it was.
1505
01:04:17,562 --> 01:04:18,581
- That was the whole joke?
- That's the joke.
1506
01:04:18,605 --> 01:04:19,902
That's the beauty of it. Boom.
1507
01:04:19,981 --> 01:04:21,779
- I thought there was more.
- But you get it?
1508
01:04:21,900 --> 01:04:23,743
He's giraffe, he's tall,
1509
01:04:24,527 --> 01:04:28,907
so it would stand to reason,
his testicles are high.
1510
01:04:28,990 --> 01:04:31,243
- Yeah.
- And a highball is a drink.
1511
01:04:31,993 --> 01:04:34,542
And you ruined it by saying
I wasn't funny first.
1512
01:04:34,621 --> 01:04:36,339
- That's what it was.
- No. No. [Laughing]
1513
01:04:36,414 --> 01:04:37,882
No, it's good. I like my jokes,
1514
01:04:37,957 --> 01:04:39,254
like, thoroughly explained.
1515
01:04:39,334 --> 01:04:41,145
You're just busting...
You're bustin' my highballs.
1516
01:04:41,169 --> 01:04:42,170
- Yeah.
- [ Kumail laughs]
1517
01:04:42,379 --> 01:04:44,052
[ Instrumental Jazz playing ]
1518
01:04:44,130 --> 01:04:46,553
Hmm. Mmm-hmm.
1519
01:04:46,633 --> 01:04:48,431
Complex finish,
flamboyant mouth-feel.
1520
01:04:49,135 --> 01:04:50,261
Good. How about you?
1521
01:04:50,345 --> 01:04:51,642
- My turn?
- Yeah.
1522
01:04:54,099 --> 01:04:55,146
Mmm-hmm.
1523
01:04:55,517 --> 01:04:56,518
Fruit-forward.
1524
01:04:56,601 --> 01:04:58,603
Good term, absolutely.
Fruit-forward.
1525
01:04:58,686 --> 01:04:59,766
- Yeah. No.
- I'm impressed.
1526
01:04:59,813 --> 01:05:00,655
This one...
It's in the front seat.
1527
01:05:00,730 --> 01:05:02,858
- It's driving the wine car.
- Exactly. It is.
1528
01:05:02,941 --> 01:05:05,740
I like wine 'cause of the buzz.
1529
01:05:06,111 --> 01:05:08,864
Mmm. She's a bit
of a lightweight, Beth.
1530
01:05:08,947 --> 01:05:10,824
- [ Scoffs ] So is Terry.
- Come on.
1531
01:05:10,949 --> 01:05:13,122
He'll be passed out on the sofa
in less than an hour.
1532
01:05:13,201 --> 01:05:15,670
Aah. That's nonsense.
You know that's not true.
1533
01:05:15,870 --> 01:05:18,168
♪ You don't want
to see me hangin' on... 4'
1534
01:05:18,248 --> 01:05:20,488
You weren't supposed to be
on the show tonight, were you?
1535
01:05:20,542 --> 01:05:21,668
Oh, me, on the show tonight?
1536
01:05:21,751 --> 01:05:23,298
Yeah, I was. I was the headliner.
1537
01:05:24,170 --> 01:05:26,514
♪ You said I was
a complicated boy 4'
1538
01:05:26,589 --> 01:05:27,636
Okay-
1539
01:05:29,467 --> 01:05:30,764
I lied about the show
1540
01:05:30,844 --> 01:05:32,517
to get out of hanging out
with you guys,
1541
01:05:33,596 --> 01:05:35,189
and then I lied about headlining
1542
01:05:35,682 --> 01:05:37,025
to impress you guys.
1543
01:05:37,267 --> 01:05:38,644
Well, that didn't work.
1544
01:05:40,645 --> 01:05:43,068
Also, I think I screwed up
with your daughter.
1545
01:05:44,858 --> 01:05:46,075
Yeah.
1546
01:05:46,985 --> 01:05:48,157
You did.
1547
01:05:49,070 --> 01:05:52,040
I don't know how people do it
when their family's sick.
1548
01:05:52,449 --> 01:05:54,668
My Uncle Lew, he got cancer.
1549
01:05:54,742 --> 01:05:57,495
Then he had a stroke,
then a heart attack.
1550
01:05:58,246 --> 01:05:59,432
Then he had a recurrence
of the cancer.
1551
01:05:59,456 --> 01:06:00,558
But you know what killed him?
1552
01:06:00,582 --> 01:06:02,129
- Cancer?
- Car accident.
1553
01:06:03,084 --> 01:06:04,353
We think maybe
it was a heart attack
1554
01:06:04,377 --> 01:06:07,130
while he was driving, and
he did still have cancer, too.
1555
01:06:07,213 --> 01:06:08,305
And you know what?
1556
01:06:09,257 --> 01:06:10,930
He ate sprouts
his whole fucking life.
1557
01:06:12,177 --> 01:06:13,850
Hadn't had a yolk in 30 years.
1558
01:06:14,512 --> 01:06:15,764
[Sighs]
1559
01:06:16,431 --> 01:06:18,980
♪ Then I won't
stand in your way 4'
1560
01:06:19,100 --> 01:06:21,102
I don't know how
I'm gonna sleep tonight.
1561
01:06:22,562 --> 01:06:24,030
You want to stress eat?
1562
01:06:24,397 --> 01:06:25,740
Fuck, yeah.
1563
01:06:27,025 --> 01:06:28,151
KUMAIL: Oh, my God.
1564
01:06:28,234 --> 01:06:30,783
BETH: [Laughing] I know.
"Most noticeable."
1565
01:06:32,322 --> 01:06:33,619
Oh, now, now, hold on, hold on.
1566
01:06:33,740 --> 01:06:35,242
There's more. Look.
1567
01:06:36,409 --> 01:06:39,663
The legendary cemetery
photo shoot.
1568
01:06:39,746 --> 01:06:41,589
Oh. Oh... My God.
1569
01:06:41,873 --> 01:06:44,717
BETH: [Laughs] Nah!
KUMAIL: Oh! Wow!
1570
01:06:44,792 --> 01:06:46,715
BETH: Oh. I laughed so hard
when I saw these,
1571
01:06:46,794 --> 01:06:48,421
she got so... So mad at me.
1572
01:06:48,713 --> 01:06:49,839
You're gonna wake him up.
1573
01:06:50,006 --> 01:06:52,054
Are you kidding? He could
sleep though anything.
1574
01:06:52,133 --> 01:06:54,056
- HeY. Terry! 'Shh!
1575
01:06:54,552 --> 01:06:55,929
How did you and Terry meet?
1576
01:06:56,429 --> 01:06:59,774
I was, um, going
to East Carolina University.
1577
01:07:00,183 --> 01:07:03,062
And I was, um, waiting tables,
1578
01:07:03,144 --> 01:07:04,580
and, you know,
we met at this coffee shop.
1579
01:07:04,604 --> 01:07:05,651
I was waiting on him,
1580
01:07:05,730 --> 01:07:07,073
you know, and I liked his hair.
1581
01:07:08,733 --> 01:07:10,326
He was a teacher already,
you know.
1582
01:07:10,735 --> 01:07:12,203
Thick New York accent,
1583
01:07:12,278 --> 01:07:14,622
like... like nobody
I'd ever met, you know.
1584
01:07:14,948 --> 01:07:16,291
Totally wrong for me.
1585
01:07:16,574 --> 01:07:18,292
So, naturally, we fell in love.
1586
01:07:18,743 --> 01:07:20,916
My family could not stand him.
1587
01:07:21,287 --> 01:07:23,836
We're all military people.
Army pilots.
1588
01:07:23,915 --> 01:07:25,383
All my brothers played football.
1589
01:07:25,458 --> 01:07:26,818
Terry couldn't even change a tire.
1590
01:07:27,502 --> 01:07:29,630
My father got so mad at me,
1591
01:07:30,922 --> 01:07:32,469
he broke every dinner plate
we had.
1592
01:07:32,549 --> 01:07:36,099
Now back then, um,
you go to the gas station,
1593
01:07:36,177 --> 01:07:37,977
you fill up your tank,
you get a dinner plate.
1594
01:07:38,012 --> 01:07:38,854
Oh.
1595
01:07:38,930 --> 01:07:40,407
But just one at a time,
like cup, saucer.
1596
01:07:40,431 --> 01:07:42,934
It took a year of fill-ups
to get the whole set back.
1597
01:07:43,351 --> 01:07:45,479
And Terry...
Terry just stuck around.
1598
01:07:46,104 --> 01:07:47,276
Eventually,
1599
01:07:47,730 --> 01:07:49,152
they just all got over it.
1600
01:07:50,316 --> 01:07:52,114
- They just got over it?
- Mm-hmm.
1601
01:07:52,860 --> 01:07:53,860
How?
1602
01:07:54,028 --> 01:07:55,655
Lots of fucked-up dinners.
1603
01:07:57,282 --> 01:07:58,750
How'd your parents meet, Kumail?
1604
01:08:00,159 --> 01:08:02,207
So we have arranged marriage,
as you know,
1605
01:08:02,287 --> 01:08:05,587
and a big group got together
to go see a movie,
1606
01:08:05,665 --> 01:08:07,508
but really it was just a set-up
1607
01:08:07,584 --> 01:08:09,302
so my mom and my dad could meet.
1608
01:08:10,295 --> 01:08:11,592
What movie did they see?
1609
01:08:12,880 --> 01:08:14,132
I have no idea.
1610
01:08:15,008 --> 01:08:16,225
Ineverasked.
1611
01:08:19,596 --> 01:08:21,894
BETH: She's great, you know?
KUMAIL: Yeah.
1612
01:08:23,016 --> 01:08:24,108
I know.
1613
01:08:25,059 --> 01:08:26,686
I feel good about the surgery.
1614
01:08:27,687 --> 01:08:30,566
Yeah. Me, too. These doctors
know what they're doing.
1615
01:08:30,648 --> 01:08:31,774
No, they don't.
1616
01:08:33,318 --> 01:08:35,195
They're just winging it
like everybody else.
1617
01:08:47,457 --> 01:08:51,007
[ Sighs ] Oh... fuck.
1618
01:09:01,220 --> 01:09:02,323
EMILY ON RECORDING: Hey, it's me.
1619
01:09:02,347 --> 01:09:05,601
80, um, I tried making
some Pakistani food,
1620
01:09:05,683 --> 01:09:09,062
uh, to surprise you,
and either I'm a bad cook
1621
01:09:09,145 --> 01:09:11,898
[Laughing] or all
Pakistani food is terrible.
1622
01:09:11,981 --> 01:09:13,858
I don't know yet. Bye!
1623
01:09:18,154 --> 01:09:21,033
Hey, it's me. Um, if you just
want to come over
1624
01:09:21,115 --> 01:09:23,743
and, like, kiss me
for two seconds,
1625
01:09:23,826 --> 01:09:25,749
I'd really love that tonight.
1626
01:09:25,828 --> 01:09:27,796
Okay, We-
1627
01:09:31,376 --> 01:09:34,255
Hey, it's me. So, uh, did you
want to meet at the gallery?
1628
01:09:34,337 --> 01:09:36,214
Oh, my God! [ Laughing ]
1629
01:09:36,297 --> 01:09:37,344
Oh, my God!
1630
01:09:37,423 --> 01:09:39,642
Oh, my God! A bird
just hit me in the head!
1631
01:09:39,926 --> 01:09:41,394
Oh, my God! I'm not kidding!
1632
01:09:41,552 --> 01:09:43,099
[Emily laughing]
1633
01:09:43,179 --> 01:09:46,649
I'll call you right back.
Oh, my God, is it okay?
1634
01:09:52,230 --> 01:09:54,483
The infection around the lungs
has been removed.
1635
01:09:55,066 --> 01:09:56,543
We should be able
to pull her out soon.
1636
01:09:56,567 --> 01:09:58,740
- [ Gasps ]
- Oh, boy! Whew.
1637
01:09:58,820 --> 01:10:00,993
Oh. Well, how soon?
1638
01:10:01,072 --> 01:10:03,074
She should be up by tomorrow
morning at the latest.
1639
01:10:03,491 --> 01:10:04,367
Oh, wow.
1640
01:10:04,450 --> 01:10:06,873
We'll also test the pleural
fluid from the thoracentesis
1641
01:10:06,953 --> 01:10:09,297
to create a more targeted
antibiotic strategy.
1642
01:10:09,872 --> 01:10:13,126
- So this is good news?
- It's very good news.
1643
01:10:13,209 --> 01:10:14,478
- Yeah.
- We'll just hold on to her
1644
01:10:14,502 --> 01:10:16,542
for a few more days, and then
you can have her back.
1645
01:10:16,587 --> 01:10:18,305
She's a fighter, right?
1646
01:10:18,756 --> 01:10:19,756
Yes.
1647
01:10:22,260 --> 01:10:23,307
I was so worried.
1648
01:10:23,469 --> 01:10:25,312
We saw on the news
that a train derailed,
1649
01:10:25,388 --> 01:10:26,782
and we thought that
you were on the train,
1650
01:10:26,806 --> 01:10:27,898
and you had died.
1651
01:10:27,974 --> 01:10:29,647
Nobody died on that train, Ma.
1652
01:10:29,726 --> 01:10:31,086
But did they look under the train?
1653
01:10:31,227 --> 01:10:33,187
So where were you last night?
What were you doing?
1654
01:10:33,229 --> 01:10:35,106
Nothing. I wasn't doing anything.
1655
01:10:35,398 --> 01:10:38,493
- Kumail?
- All right, I'll tell you.
1656
01:10:38,568 --> 01:10:40,616
- Tell.
- I was...
1657
01:10:41,529 --> 01:10:42,951
I was studying for the LSAT.
1658
01:10:43,030 --> 01:10:44,122
[ Laughing ]
1659
01:10:44,198 --> 01:10:46,246
- Really?
- Yup.
1660
01:10:46,451 --> 01:10:51,457
I signed up, and if I pass,
I'm going to go to law school
1661
01:10:51,622 --> 01:10:52,999
and become a lawyer
1662
01:10:54,292 --> 01:10:55,589
and do law.
1663
01:10:55,668 --> 01:10:57,261
- Hmm.
- [ Doorbell rings ]
1664
01:10:57,336 --> 01:10:59,134
Oh, let me see who that could be.
1665
01:10:59,547 --> 01:11:01,299
- Really, Dad?
- What?
1666
01:11:01,382 --> 01:11:03,193
You said that nobody was going
to come, it was just...
1667
01:11:03,217 --> 01:11:04,528
- Gonna be just us.
- Kumail, do you know this guy?
1668
01:11:04,552 --> 01:11:05,644
People say Sam!
1669
01:11:06,304 --> 01:11:07,681
People say Sam! Do you know him?
1670
01:11:08,097 --> 01:11:08,939
Yeah, I know him.
1671
01:11:09,015 --> 01:11:10,367
He should be on
Saturday Night Live.
1672
01:11:10,391 --> 01:11:11,233
SNL.
1673
01:11:11,309 --> 01:11:12,536
AZMAT: People don't say "Sam."
They say salaam.
1674
01:11:12,560 --> 01:11:14,062
Everybody, you remember Khadija?
1675
01:11:14,562 --> 01:11:15,814
She just dropped in.
1676
01:11:15,897 --> 01:11:17,444
She was just in the neighborhood.
1677
01:11:17,523 --> 01:11:21,027
And these are her parents,
Rahan and Tina.
1678
01:11:21,903 --> 01:11:23,405
They also just dropped in.
1679
01:11:23,488 --> 01:11:25,536
[All greeting in Urdu]
1680
01:11:25,990 --> 01:11:27,913
[All speaking Urdu]
1681
01:11:35,416 --> 01:11:38,169
KHADIJA: I've just been on
so many of these appointments,
1682
01:11:38,586 --> 01:11:40,930
and I just never have anything
in common with the guys.
1683
01:11:41,005 --> 01:11:41,847
KUMAILZ Yeah.
1684
01:11:41,923 --> 01:11:44,176
You know, when girls at work
complain to me about dating,
1685
01:11:44,258 --> 01:11:46,260
I just...
I want to body-slam them.
1686
01:11:46,344 --> 01:11:47,766
- [Laughs]
- They have no idea.
1687
01:11:47,845 --> 01:11:49,097
- Right.
- I don't know.
1688
01:11:49,180 --> 01:11:52,730
My mom says I'm becoming
like the bruised apple
1689
01:11:52,809 --> 01:11:54,561
at the bottom of the apple bucket.
1690
01:11:54,644 --> 01:11:56,521
- No. No, no, no, you're not.
- Yeah.
1691
01:11:56,604 --> 01:11:57,947
- I am.
- No, you're not.
1692
01:11:59,607 --> 01:12:01,609
So, do you want
to hang out sometime?
1693
01:12:02,568 --> 01:12:04,195
Like, without our parents.
1694
01:12:04,570 --> 01:12:06,072
Have you been to the Cat Cafe?
1695
01:12:06,155 --> 01:12:07,953
The cats just come up to you
1696
01:12:08,074 --> 01:12:11,044
and nestle in your lap,
and you just pet them.
1697
01:12:12,119 --> 01:12:13,496
I don't think that's a good idea.
1698
01:12:13,746 --> 01:12:15,498
You don't like... cats?
1699
01:12:15,581 --> 01:12:17,424
- [Laughs]
- I mean...
1700
01:12:17,583 --> 01:12:20,678
I don't think it's a good idea
for us to hang out again.
1701
01:12:21,504 --> 01:12:22,847
It's not you.
1702
01:12:23,172 --> 01:12:25,266
You're fantastic.
1703
01:12:25,550 --> 01:12:27,678
I just can't do this
arranged marriage thing.
1704
01:12:28,094 --> 01:12:29,596
With anybody.
1705
01:12:30,429 --> 01:12:31,931
So why did you meet me?
1706
01:12:33,307 --> 01:12:35,025
It wasn't my idea.
1707
01:12:36,936 --> 01:12:38,062
[ Sniffles ]
1708
01:12:40,648 --> 01:12:42,195
I'm just really tired.
[ Sniffles ]
1709
01:12:43,234 --> 01:12:45,657
Do you ever want
to just be in a relationship
1710
01:12:45,736 --> 01:12:48,990
so you can just finally relax?
1711
01:12:50,199 --> 01:12:51,325
I'm sorry.
1712
01:12:54,996 --> 01:12:56,623
You deserve better than me.
1713
01:12:58,207 --> 01:13:00,005
People always telling me
what I deserve.
1714
01:13:01,043 --> 01:13:02,135
It's bullshit.
1715
01:13:03,421 --> 01:13:06,049
And stop being so sorry
about everything.
1716
01:13:07,174 --> 01:13:08,426
[Keys jingling]
1717
01:13:08,509 --> 01:13:09,806
I'm gonna go.
1718
01:13:11,470 --> 01:13:13,643
And do you know what?
I watched The X-Files.
1719
01:13:13,973 --> 01:13:17,318
Like, three whole episodes,
and it's a bad show.
1720
01:13:30,197 --> 01:13:31,592
Wow, they should
call this web site,
1721
01:13:31,616 --> 01:13:33,710
"everything is cancer dot-com."
1722
01:13:33,826 --> 01:13:37,126
Whatever symptom you put in,
it could be cancer.
1723
01:13:37,747 --> 01:13:39,966
Hiccups could be cancer. Come on.
1724
01:13:40,499 --> 01:13:42,001
Take the fun out of hiccups now.
1725
01:13:42,251 --> 01:13:45,676
But, you know, this is the
17th best hospital in Chicago?
1726
01:13:46,756 --> 01:13:49,384
- Really? Out of how many?
- I don't know.
1727
01:13:50,092 --> 01:13:51,810
But Northwestern's number one.
1728
01:13:52,511 --> 01:13:53,603
How do they rate,
1729
01:13:53,679 --> 01:13:55,532
- or what's the methodology?
- I don't know, Terry.
1730
01:13:55,556 --> 01:13:57,229
But 17th is bad.
1731
01:13:57,683 --> 01:13:59,811
It's not great.
Unless the sample size is...
1732
01:14:00,102 --> 01:14:01,319
You know, that all depends.
1733
01:14:01,437 --> 01:14:02,654
Here, look at the comments.
1734
01:14:03,189 --> 01:14:04,625
This is why I don't want
to go online
1735
01:14:04,649 --> 01:14:05,775
'cause it's never good.
1736
01:14:06,067 --> 01:14:07,944
You go online,
they hated Forrest Gump.
1737
01:14:09,111 --> 01:14:10,454
Frickin' best movie ever.
1738
01:14:13,157 --> 01:14:14,659
Yeah, I know.
1739
01:14:14,742 --> 01:14:16,494
Well, it, no,
it hasn't been that long.
1740
01:14:17,912 --> 01:14:19,585
Like, three hours, maybe.
1741
01:14:20,247 --> 01:14:22,124
Oh, hey, I... I...
All right, I got to go.
1742
01:14:23,793 --> 01:14:25,261
- Terry, hi.
- Hey.
1743
01:14:25,336 --> 01:14:26,679
- Can we talk?
- Yeah, yeah.
1744
01:14:26,754 --> 01:14:27,754
Okay-
1745
01:14:28,506 --> 01:14:30,099
We got the biopsy results.
1746
01:14:30,424 --> 01:14:32,392
They are, unfortunately,
inconclusive.
1747
01:14:33,010 --> 01:14:35,104
Uh, we're concerned
because it is also...
1748
01:14:35,179 --> 01:14:36,977
[ Inaudible]
1749
01:14:37,765 --> 01:14:39,733
Well, wait, wait,
what does that mean?
1750
01:14:39,809 --> 01:14:42,278
It means it's aggressive.
It means that...
1751
01:14:42,436 --> 01:14:44,313
[ Inaudible]
1752
01:14:51,445 --> 01:14:53,173
TERRY: I mean, they...
They couldn't find out what
1753
01:14:53,197 --> 01:14:54,665
the disease was or where the...
1754
01:14:55,074 --> 01:14:56,927
Where the virus came from,
the bacteria, whatever.
1755
01:14:56,951 --> 01:14:58,095
But they took out the infection,
1756
01:14:58,119 --> 01:14:59,471
- so it shouldn't matter.
- I know. That's what I said.
1757
01:14:59,495 --> 01:15:01,293
But, uh,
her Vitals didn't normalize.
1758
01:15:01,372 --> 01:15:02,749
And now they say, the infection,
1759
01:15:02,832 --> 01:15:05,631
it's continuing to spread.
It's in her kidneys now.
1760
01:15:05,876 --> 01:15:07,719
But the kidneys are
so far from the lungs.
1761
01:15:07,795 --> 01:15:08,637
I know.
1762
01:15:08,713 --> 01:15:11,466
It's an aggressive infection,
and they said
1763
01:15:11,549 --> 01:15:13,276
what they got to do now is
they just got to figure out
1764
01:15:13,300 --> 01:15:14,361
what this mystery disease
actually is.
1765
01:15:14,385 --> 01:15:18,060
Uh-huh, uh-huh,
uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
1766
01:15:19,348 --> 01:15:20,770
I'm calling Northwestern.
1767
01:15:20,933 --> 01:15:22,494
- Just hold on, hold on.
- Terry, Goddammit...
1768
01:15:22,518 --> 01:15:23,758
I think we should talk about...
1769
01:15:23,811 --> 01:15:24,653
Shut up.
1770
01:15:24,729 --> 01:15:27,152
I'm sick of this shit, Terry.
We're getting her out of here.
1771
01:15:27,481 --> 01:15:28,721
They're in the middle of the...
1772
01:15:28,774 --> 01:15:30,196
Of the whole process
of elimination.
1773
01:15:30,276 --> 01:15:32,504
So you're saying Northwestern
can't take that information
1774
01:15:32,528 --> 01:15:33,745
and continue the search?
1775
01:15:33,821 --> 01:15:35,414
This place is a shithole.
I'm sorry.
1776
01:15:35,489 --> 01:15:36,832
Anna, could I have that?
1777
01:15:37,033 --> 01:15:38,713
Will you just stop
for a second, all right?
1778
01:15:38,784 --> 01:15:39,706
They are the doctors.
1779
01:15:39,785 --> 01:15:40,707
You act like you know
what you're talking about.
1780
01:15:40,786 --> 01:15:42,346
- Doctors are not the same.
- You don't.
1781
01:15:42,413 --> 01:15:43,881
I can't find my cell phone.
1782
01:15:43,956 --> 01:15:45,048
- You got a phone?
- Yeah.
1783
01:15:45,124 --> 01:15:46,124
Don't give her the phone.
1784
01:15:46,333 --> 01:15:47,436
Don't... You don't need a phone.
1785
01:15:47,460 --> 01:15:49,229
You don't need to call anybody
right now. The...
1786
01:15:49,253 --> 01:15:51,064
They're doing it. They're
the experts here, and...
1787
01:15:51,088 --> 01:15:52,590
- And I trust them.
- One, five...
1788
01:15:52,673 --> 01:15:53,515
Oh, well, that's very nice,
but I don't.
1789
01:15:53,591 --> 01:15:54,717
Can you unlock that thing?
1790
01:15:55,051 --> 01:15:56,570
There... There's a reason
they're number 17
1791
01:15:56,594 --> 01:15:57,846
and Northwestern's number one.
1792
01:15:57,928 --> 01:15:59,740
And that's not because people
trust them. Thank you.
1793
01:15:59,764 --> 01:16:01,607
Wait, you think
you're smarter than me.
1794
01:16:01,682 --> 01:16:02,682
You say big sentences.
1795
01:16:02,725 --> 01:16:04,102
Okay, well, you're not.
You're not.
1796
01:16:05,102 --> 01:16:07,275
[ Stammering ]
1797
01:16:08,272 --> 01:16:09,583
I don't think
I'm smarter than you.
1798
01:16:09,607 --> 01:16:11,334
You just don't think
you're as smart as I am.
1799
01:16:11,358 --> 01:16:13,531
- That's not my fault.
- Right, it's...
1800
01:16:13,611 --> 01:16:15,864
It's never your fault.
Everything's my fault.
1801
01:16:15,946 --> 01:16:18,074
Oh, there are some things
that are definitely...
1802
01:16:18,824 --> 01:16:20,326
just your fault.
1803
01:16:22,286 --> 01:16:24,209
Okay, that's... That's bullshit.
1804
01:16:24,455 --> 01:16:26,833
You need to stop freaking out
and calm down.
1805
01:16:26,916 --> 01:16:28,509
And you need
to stop being a coward.
1806
01:16:30,336 --> 01:16:31,383
Right.
1807
01:16:32,171 --> 01:16:33,764
The greatest hits comin' back.
1808
01:16:33,839 --> 01:16:35,591
Okay, you can just...
Well, you can stop.
1809
01:16:35,674 --> 01:16:38,223
I'll... I'll replay
the rest of this from memory.
1810
01:16:41,764 --> 01:16:43,687
Yeah, don't... Listen to me...
1811
01:16:50,815 --> 01:16:52,738
[ Indistinct PA chatter]
1812
01:17:05,287 --> 01:17:08,336
[ Heart monitor beeping ]
1813
01:17:09,542 --> 01:17:11,840
Oh. You're giraffe-ing it.
1814
01:17:11,919 --> 01:17:13,341
It's the biggest thing they had.
1815
01:17:13,629 --> 01:17:15,256
I don't even know
if she likes giraffes.
1816
01:17:15,589 --> 01:17:16,932
We never talked about...
1817
01:17:18,384 --> 01:17:19,636
giraffes.
1818
01:17:20,386 --> 01:17:21,888
Hey, do they know
what they're doing?
1819
01:17:21,971 --> 01:17:23,769
'Cause they don't tell us
anything.
1820
01:17:24,306 --> 01:17:25,933
Like, uh, Lyme disease.
1821
01:17:26,016 --> 01:17:27,736
You know, the girl
on The Real World had it.
1822
01:17:27,768 --> 01:17:29,941
- Did you guys look for that?
- Yes, we did.
1823
01:17:30,020 --> 01:17:31,456
You know,
she gets hurt all the time,
1824
01:17:31,480 --> 01:17:34,029
and she messed up her ankle
recently. Could that be lupus?
1825
01:17:34,108 --> 01:17:36,406
Listen,
we're looking into everything.
1826
01:17:36,902 --> 01:17:38,825
We're not holding anything
back from you.
1827
01:17:39,113 --> 01:17:42,287
We're still just
eliminating possibilities.
1828
01:17:42,992 --> 01:17:45,290
'Cause Beth wants
to move her to Northwestern.
1829
01:17:45,452 --> 01:17:47,955
No. Emily should not be moved.
1830
01:17:49,331 --> 01:17:50,833
The hospital will approve it
1831
01:17:50,916 --> 01:17:53,044
because it'll get the
liability off their hands.
1832
01:17:53,419 --> 01:17:55,342
But we put her in a coma
for a reason,
1833
01:17:55,588 --> 01:17:57,010
to stabilize her.
1834
01:17:57,173 --> 01:17:59,676
Moving her
could be very dangerous.
1835
01:18:00,718 --> 01:18:04,018
Trust me, she is fighting this,
and so are we.
1836
01:18:05,764 --> 01:18:08,358
[ "Biggest Part of Me"
by David Pack playing ]
1837
01:18:08,601 --> 01:18:10,729
Hey, Terry,
I was just talking to the...
1838
01:18:11,812 --> 01:18:13,189
- You okay?
- Yeah.
1839
01:18:13,272 --> 01:18:15,070
Yeah, of course. [ Sniffles ]
1840
01:18:15,900 --> 01:18:17,197
Fine. Totally fine.
1841
01:18:17,276 --> 01:18:20,075
Just, uh... Beth went
to Emily, so, uh...
1842
01:18:20,863 --> 01:18:23,332
I'm gonna wait here till
they kick me out, you know?
1843
01:18:23,407 --> 01:18:24,499
[ Chuckles ]
1844
01:18:25,743 --> 01:18:26,915
Just keep an eye on her.
1845
01:18:31,999 --> 01:18:33,546
Do you want to crash at my place?
1846
01:18:34,460 --> 01:18:36,554
- You got Golf Channel?
- No.
1847
01:18:37,671 --> 01:18:38,797
That wasn't funny, right?
1848
01:18:39,006 --> 01:18:41,304
Oh, I didn't... I thought
that was a serious question.
1849
01:18:42,218 --> 01:18:43,458
Let's get the fuck out of here.
1850
01:18:49,600 --> 01:18:50,692
So...
1851
01:18:51,227 --> 01:18:52,649
This is the place.
1852
01:18:52,728 --> 01:18:54,355
Huh. Wow.
1853
01:18:55,856 --> 01:18:57,108
This place is terrible.
1854
01:19:00,819 --> 01:19:02,241
[ Exhales ]
1855
01:19:02,446 --> 01:19:05,495
KUMAIL: Hey, uh,
I talked to Nurse Judy,
1856
01:19:05,824 --> 01:19:07,451
and she was saying that, like,
1857
01:19:07,534 --> 01:19:09,582
moving Emily could be a bad idea.
1858
01:19:10,371 --> 01:19:11,213
Really?
1859
01:19:11,288 --> 01:19:13,290
Yeah, she said
it could be dangerous.
1860
01:19:16,043 --> 01:19:17,215
Like, something...
1861
01:19:17,294 --> 01:19:18,967
[ Stammers ] Yeah, I hear you.
1862
01:19:20,256 --> 01:19:22,099
And... [Sighs] Hmm.
1863
01:19:22,174 --> 01:19:25,144
I just...
I'd give anything just to...
1864
01:19:26,178 --> 01:19:27,646
trade places with Emily.
1865
01:19:27,846 --> 01:19:28,846
You know?
1866
01:19:30,140 --> 01:19:33,110
Being a parent, it's...
It's a nightmare.
1867
01:19:33,811 --> 01:19:36,860
Loving somebody this much sucks.
1868
01:19:38,148 --> 01:19:39,616
Yeah.
1869
01:19:40,276 --> 01:19:41,402
And, uh,
1870
01:19:41,652 --> 01:19:43,495
I guess you've noticed the tension
1871
01:19:43,570 --> 01:19:45,664
between Beth and me.
1872
01:19:47,366 --> 01:19:48,788
Uh, not really.
1873
01:19:49,034 --> 01:19:50,832
Uh, it's none of my business,
1874
01:19:50,911 --> 01:19:52,631
- so I don't try to...
- Yeah, well, it's...
1875
01:19:52,705 --> 01:19:53,877
Uh, it's there.
1876
01:19:54,748 --> 01:19:56,216
Big-time.
1877
01:19:57,918 --> 01:20:00,341
It's getting really late.
We should go to sleep.
1878
01:20:09,138 --> 01:20:10,435
I cheated on her.
1879
01:20:11,682 --> 01:20:12,934
[ Quietly ] Fuck.
1880
01:20:13,017 --> 01:20:14,109
I did.
1881
01:20:16,103 --> 01:20:17,605
It was just a one-night stand.
1882
01:20:17,688 --> 01:20:19,486
- Okay.
- We met at some bar
1883
01:20:19,565 --> 01:20:20,612
in Cincinnati.
1884
01:20:20,691 --> 01:20:23,069
They... They have
these teacher conferences.
1885
01:20:24,320 --> 01:20:26,539
Who goes to a math conference
to get laid?
1886
01:20:27,239 --> 01:20:28,536
Math teachers?
1887
01:20:28,615 --> 01:20:29,867
Yeah.
1888
01:20:30,617 --> 01:20:32,915
I... I think I was depressed.
1889
01:20:32,995 --> 01:20:35,123
- That's what it was.
- Yeah.
1890
01:20:35,456 --> 01:20:36,878
Let's talk about it tomorrow.
1891
01:20:37,666 --> 01:20:38,713
Get a full night's sleep,
1892
01:20:39,001 --> 01:20:40,228
tackle it fresh in the morning...
1893
01:20:40,252 --> 01:20:43,222
She just smelled so... good.
1894
01:20:45,674 --> 01:20:47,017
It was horrible, too.
1895
01:20:47,092 --> 01:20:50,346
As soon as I was finished,
as soon as I'd finished,
1896
01:20:50,429 --> 01:20:53,273
I was like,
"What did you fucking do?"
1897
01:20:53,891 --> 01:20:56,644
"What did you just do?"
1898
01:20:58,854 --> 01:21:00,401
"What did you do?"
1899
01:21:02,191 --> 01:21:03,909
You know, that... that, uh,
1900
01:21:04,443 --> 01:21:08,323
moment of clarity you get,
right after an orgasm.
1901
01:21:09,531 --> 01:21:10,703
Yeah.
1902
01:21:11,658 --> 01:21:13,251
I told Beth right away.
1903
01:21:13,452 --> 01:21:14,544
I had to.
1904
01:21:16,330 --> 01:21:17,707
She was devastated.
1905
01:21:18,540 --> 01:21:19,917
And now she hates me.
1906
01:21:21,043 --> 01:21:23,171
She might be mad at you, but...
1907
01:21:23,670 --> 01:21:24,842
But she doesn't hate you.
1908
01:21:25,005 --> 01:21:27,053
Should've heard the way
she was talking about you.
1909
01:21:27,132 --> 01:21:28,133
Mmm.
1910
01:21:29,385 --> 01:21:30,807
Hey, can I ask you something?
1911
01:21:33,639 --> 01:21:34,639
Why'd you tell her?
1912
01:21:34,807 --> 01:21:35,933
Oh, I had to.
1913
01:21:36,016 --> 01:21:37,233
I'm no good with guilt.
1914
01:21:39,228 --> 01:21:40,354
Do you guys talk about it?
1915
01:21:40,437 --> 01:21:41,529
Not anymore.
1916
01:21:42,815 --> 01:21:45,443
She said she forgave me,
but... but, no.
1917
01:21:46,735 --> 01:21:47,827
She hasn't.
1918
01:21:49,947 --> 01:21:51,665
Let me give you some advice,
Kumail.
1919
01:21:54,326 --> 01:21:56,624
You're gonna know the woman
that you want to spend
1920
01:21:56,703 --> 01:21:57,955
the rest of your life with
1921
01:21:59,206 --> 01:22:00,549
when you cheat on her.
1922
01:22:01,041 --> 01:22:04,762
When you cheat on her
and you just feel like shit.
1923
01:22:06,839 --> 01:22:09,262
So to fully know I love someone,
1924
01:22:09,341 --> 01:22:11,435
I have to cheat on them?
1925
01:22:13,429 --> 01:22:15,397
Out loud, it sounds stupid.
1926
01:22:17,808 --> 01:22:19,936
Eh, it's...
Yeah, that's terrible advice.
1927
01:22:20,018 --> 01:22:21,065
[ Mutters ]
1928
01:22:22,271 --> 01:22:23,272
Love...
1929
01:22:23,397 --> 01:22:25,115
Love isn't easy.
1930
01:22:26,608 --> 01:22:28,281
That's why they call it love.
1931
01:22:29,486 --> 01:22:30,863
I don't really get that either.
1932
01:22:30,946 --> 01:22:33,574
I know. I thought I could just
start saying something,
1933
01:22:33,657 --> 01:22:35,079
and something smart
would come out.
1934
01:22:47,129 --> 01:22:48,506
[ Groans]
1935
01:22:53,594 --> 01:22:54,937
[ Toilet flushes ]
1936
01:22:55,137 --> 01:22:56,514
Hey, did you see Terry?
1937
01:22:56,889 --> 01:22:58,482
Yeah, I heard him leave
this morning.
1938
01:22:58,765 --> 01:23:00,325
I'm going to Subbies.
You want anything?
1939
01:23:00,392 --> 01:23:01,769
Nah, I'm good. Thank you.
1940
01:23:01,852 --> 01:23:03,354
You don't want a hot dog
or nothin'?
1941
01:23:03,437 --> 01:23:04,859
Dude, it's 8:30 in the morning.
1942
01:23:04,980 --> 01:23:07,153
Okay. No hot dog.
1943
01:23:08,066 --> 01:23:09,192
[ Door opens ]
1944
01:23:09,485 --> 01:23:10,611
Oh, hi.
1945
01:23:10,694 --> 01:23:12,321
Oh, yeah, you can go right in.
1946
01:23:14,490 --> 01:23:16,333
We just spoke
to Khadija's parents.
1947
01:23:16,408 --> 01:23:18,752
- What are you doing here?
- What is wrong with you, Kumi?
1948
01:23:18,827 --> 01:23:20,420
Nothing is wrong with me.
I'm sorry.
1949
01:23:20,496 --> 01:23:22,214
Sorry? That's all you have to say?
1950
01:23:22,289 --> 01:23:23,349
Okay, I... I don't...
I wasn't that into her.
1951
01:23:23,373 --> 01:23:24,590
- Into her?
- Yeah.
1952
01:23:24,666 --> 01:23:25,768
Do you know how difficult it is
1953
01:23:25,792 --> 01:23:27,032
to get an appointment with her?
1954
01:23:27,085 --> 01:23:28,507
She's in very high demand.
1955
01:23:28,587 --> 01:23:30,260
'Okay. So? 'So?
1956
01:23:30,339 --> 01:23:32,192
Can we please talk about this
another time? I... I...
1957
01:23:32,216 --> 01:23:35,720
No, no, Kumi.
We will talk about this now.
1958
01:23:35,886 --> 01:23:38,435
We have sacrificed everything
for you.
1959
01:23:38,514 --> 01:23:40,107
I know. Okay?
1960
01:23:40,599 --> 01:23:42,146
We have left our family.
1961
01:23:42,226 --> 01:23:43,819
We have left our home.
1962
01:23:43,894 --> 01:23:46,773
I have missed the birth
of my sister's daughter.
1963
01:23:47,356 --> 01:23:51,486
I have not seen my mother
for 15 years.
1964
01:23:51,860 --> 01:23:55,910
Your father, he had to do
his graduate school again.
1965
01:23:56,031 --> 01:23:57,874
He had to give exams again.
1966
01:23:58,116 --> 01:23:59,914
I was in my mid-50s.
1967
01:24:00,827 --> 01:24:03,706
They were in 203. They used
to call me Father Time.
1968
01:24:03,789 --> 01:24:06,508
Okay, okay. I know that.
1969
01:24:06,583 --> 01:24:09,928
And I... I really appreciate
everything you did for me.
1970
01:24:10,212 --> 01:24:13,136
But can we talk about this
another time?
1971
01:24:13,340 --> 01:24:16,310
Kumi, if you don't want
to be a lawyer, fine.
1972
01:24:16,593 --> 01:24:18,937
If you want to do
the stand-up comedy
1973
01:24:19,012 --> 01:24:21,765
and embarrass us as a family,
fine.
1974
01:24:22,140 --> 01:24:23,409
[ Sobbing ]
There is only one thing
1975
01:24:23,433 --> 01:24:25,481
that we have ever
asked for you, Kumi,
1976
01:24:26,019 --> 01:24:27,487
that you be a good Muslim
1977
01:24:27,563 --> 01:24:29,315
and you marry a Pakistani girl!
1978
01:24:29,398 --> 01:24:31,275
That is it! One thing!
1979
01:24:32,985 --> 01:24:34,237
Can I ask you something?
1980
01:24:34,486 --> 01:24:36,204
Something that has
never made sense to me.
1981
01:24:36,280 --> 01:24:37,998
Why did you bring me here
if you wanted me
1982
01:24:38,073 --> 01:24:39,666
to not have an American life?
1983
01:24:39,950 --> 01:24:42,544
We come here, but we pretend
like we're still back there.
1984
01:24:43,453 --> 01:24:44,500
That's so stupid.
1985
01:24:44,580 --> 01:24:46,140
Don't you talk
to your mother like that.
1986
01:24:46,164 --> 01:24:47,284
You don't care what I think.
1987
01:24:47,332 --> 01:24:49,084
You just want me
to follow the rules.
1988
01:24:49,376 --> 01:24:52,220
But the r... the rules
don't make sense to me.
1989
01:24:57,175 --> 01:24:58,552
I don't pray.
1990
01:24:59,553 --> 01:25:00,725
I don't.
1991
01:25:00,971 --> 01:25:02,848
I haven't prayed in years.
1992
01:25:04,141 --> 01:25:05,688
I just go down there,
1993
01:25:06,059 --> 01:25:07,356
and I play video games.
1994
01:25:07,644 --> 01:25:08,770
You don't believe in Allah?
1995
01:25:08,854 --> 01:25:10,527
I don't know what I believe, Dad.
1996
01:25:10,606 --> 01:25:11,903
I don't know.
1997
01:25:15,068 --> 01:25:17,196
And I can't marry
someone you find for me.
1998
01:25:17,946 --> 01:25:19,323
And why not?
1999
01:25:21,325 --> 01:25:23,168
Because I am in love with someone.
2000
01:25:24,703 --> 01:25:25,703
I am.
2001
01:25:25,996 --> 01:25:27,373
Her name is Emily.
2002
01:25:27,664 --> 01:25:29,584
[Voice breaking ] And
she's gonna be a therapist.
2003
01:25:29,875 --> 01:25:32,128
And right now she's very sick.
2004
01:25:32,210 --> 01:25:33,712
But I couldn't tell you that.
2005
01:25:34,087 --> 01:25:37,136
It makes me so sad that I
couldn't tell you any of that.
2006
01:25:40,135 --> 01:25:43,105
I really appreciate everything
you've done for me.
2007
01:25:43,180 --> 01:25:46,024
I truly, truly, truly do.
I really do.
2008
01:25:46,683 --> 01:25:49,277
And I know Islam
has been really good for you,
2009
01:25:49,353 --> 01:25:50,775
and it has made you good people.
2010
01:25:51,480 --> 01:25:53,699
But I don't know what I believe.
2011
01:25:55,859 --> 01:25:57,486
I just need to figure it out
on my own.
2012
01:25:58,612 --> 01:26:00,205
You're not my son.
2013
01:26:02,574 --> 01:26:04,702
AZMAT: Kumail.
You're being selfish,
2014
01:26:04,826 --> 01:26:06,419
you're not thinking about us.
2015
01:26:06,870 --> 01:26:08,514
You're not thinking
about Khadija, in fact,
2016
01:26:08,538 --> 01:26:09,641
you're not even thinking about
2017
01:26:09,665 --> 01:26:11,042
that girl you are in love with.
2018
01:26:11,625 --> 01:26:14,094
You think American dream
is doing just about
2019
01:26:14,169 --> 01:26:16,672
whatever you want and not
thinking about other people?
2020
01:26:16,755 --> 01:26:17,755
You're wrong!
2021
01:26:18,298 --> 01:26:20,221
You are wrong!
2022
01:26:25,222 --> 01:26:26,949
- [ Door opens]
- SHARMEEN: Excuse us, please.
2023
01:26:26,973 --> 01:26:28,020
CHRIS: Sorry.
2024
01:26:28,100 --> 01:26:29,460
AZMAT: What's wrong with you, man?
2025
01:26:30,310 --> 01:26:31,857
- CHRIS Hey.
- Hey.
2026
01:26:32,145 --> 01:26:34,239
I, uh, never went to the store.
2027
01:26:34,314 --> 01:26:36,658
I was just listening at the door.
2028
01:26:39,069 --> 01:26:42,494
Hey... My mom kicked me out
for dealing weed at 16,
2029
01:26:42,572 --> 01:26:43,915
so I get it, man.
2030
01:26:46,660 --> 01:26:48,262
[ "Leave Tomorrow" by
Chuck Kirkpatrick playing ]
2031
01:26:48,286 --> 01:26:51,130
- [ Phone ringing ]
- [ Indistinct chattering ]
2032
01:26:57,212 --> 01:26:58,759
TERRY: Hey. KUMAIL: Hey, um, so,
2033
01:26:58,839 --> 01:27:00,525
wh... when are we gonna talk
to Beth about this thing
2034
01:27:00,549 --> 01:27:01,776
- that we talked about?
- We... we... we...
2035
01:27:01,800 --> 01:27:03,143
We're gonna move her,
2036
01:27:03,218 --> 01:27:04,344
is what we're gonna do.
2037
01:27:04,928 --> 01:27:05,928
What?
2038
01:27:06,763 --> 01:27:08,199
- What? We're gonna move her.
- What you...
2039
01:27:08,223 --> 01:27:09,475
What are you talking about?
2040
01:27:09,558 --> 01:27:10,559
You fucking caved?
2041
01:27:10,809 --> 01:27:11,911
- I didn't cave.
- You fucking caved?
2042
01:27:11,935 --> 01:27:13,579
- I don't cave, okay?
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
2043
01:27:13,603 --> 01:27:15,164
I know you don't, you don't
cave, you don't cave,
2044
01:27:15,188 --> 01:27:16,228
you're great. [ Stammers ]
2045
01:27:16,273 --> 01:27:17,333
But we talked about this
last night,
2046
01:27:17,357 --> 01:27:18,668
- and we decided...
- I know. I know.
2047
01:27:18,692 --> 01:27:19,752
That it wasn't gonna be a good...
2048
01:27:19,776 --> 01:27:20,878
- We're moving her.
- No. What?
2049
01:27:20,902 --> 01:27:21,963
- Yeah.
- I... I told you what
2050
01:27:21,987 --> 01:27:23,047
- the nurse said.
- She's right.
2051
01:27:23,071 --> 01:27:24,924
Hey, Beth, um, the nurse
told me that moving Emily
2052
01:27:24,948 --> 01:27:25,949
could be a very bad idea.
2053
01:27:26,032 --> 01:27:27,885
Well, Northwestern told us
it could be very good.
2054
01:27:27,909 --> 01:27:29,595
Well, they don't see her,
this nurse sees her,
2055
01:27:29,619 --> 01:27:31,013
and she told me herself.
She said...
2056
01:27:31,037 --> 01:27:32,432
That's okay, Kumail,
they don't need to see her.
2057
01:27:32,456 --> 01:27:34,083
No, it's not okay! There.
2058
01:27:34,624 --> 01:27:35,841
- TERRY: That's...
- I got it.
2059
01:27:36,251 --> 01:27:38,049
That's a map of the garage.
2060
01:27:39,755 --> 01:27:40,755
KUMAILZ Don't...
2061
01:27:40,881 --> 01:27:42,474
Wait, wait, wait.
2062
01:27:42,549 --> 01:27:44,096
You want to be responsible?
2063
01:27:44,217 --> 01:27:45,217
Huh?
2064
01:27:46,678 --> 01:27:47,975
She could die!
2065
01:27:48,263 --> 01:27:49,263
BETH: Kumail,
2066
01:27:49,473 --> 01:27:51,692
we're responsible for her
no matter what.
2067
01:27:53,185 --> 01:27:54,482
We're her parents.
2068
01:27:55,061 --> 01:27:56,734
Now, I'm sorry, we're moving her.
2069
01:28:07,199 --> 01:28:08,593
MAN ON SPEAKER:
Welcome to Quick 'n Hot.
2070
01:28:08,617 --> 01:28:10,119
Can I take your order, please?
2071
01:28:10,202 --> 01:28:13,502
Yeah, um, can I get a burger
with four slices of cheese?
2072
01:28:13,997 --> 01:28:15,499
Four burgers. Anything else, sir?
2073
01:28:15,582 --> 01:28:18,131
No, one burger
with four slices of cheese.
2074
01:28:22,005 --> 01:28:23,257
One burger with four slice...
2075
01:28:23,340 --> 01:28:25,559
I'm sorry, we can't do that.
2076
01:28:25,634 --> 01:28:29,229
Just put four slices of cheese
on a burger.
2077
01:28:29,304 --> 01:28:30,782
We can't do that.
There's no button...
2078
01:28:30,806 --> 01:28:32,399
Who the fuck is this "we," man?
2079
01:28:32,474 --> 01:28:34,727
Who the fuck is this "we"?
It's me and you!
2080
01:28:34,810 --> 01:28:37,279
We're just people!
Fucking listen to me!
2081
01:28:37,354 --> 01:28:38,731
Fuck this corporate entity!
2082
01:28:38,814 --> 01:28:43,945
Put four slices of cheese
on the fucking burger!
2083
01:28:46,488 --> 01:28:48,331
- We can't do that.
- W hat the fuck'?
2084
01:28:48,406 --> 01:28:50,454
You fucking idiot! Hey!
2085
01:28:51,117 --> 01:28:52,539
Hey, look at me, look at me.
2086
01:28:52,619 --> 01:28:55,122
'Cause I'm a human being, you
are a human being. Look at me!
2087
01:28:55,205 --> 01:28:57,253
Look me in the eyes
when you fuck me!
2088
01:28:57,332 --> 01:28:59,426
Look at me! Please!
2089
01:29:00,001 --> 01:29:01,127
Today's my first day.
2090
01:29:01,211 --> 01:29:02,508
Fuck you!
2091
01:29:04,548 --> 01:29:07,768
[ Objects clattering ]
2092
01:29:12,889 --> 01:29:15,187
I'll just ring you up
for four burgers.
2093
01:29:16,101 --> 01:29:18,149
[ Register beeping ]
2094
01:29:18,228 --> 01:29:19,320
KUMAIL: I'm sorry.
2095
01:29:19,396 --> 01:29:21,649
MAN: Do you want any fries
or drink with that?
2096
01:29:22,190 --> 01:29:24,409
[ Country music playing ]
2097
01:29:24,484 --> 01:29:26,031
KUMAIL: I'll take four fries.
2098
01:29:27,362 --> 01:29:28,614
I'm sorry.
2099
01:29:30,657 --> 01:29:32,751
- [llMy Jimmie Gray playing]
2100
01:29:34,661 --> 01:29:35,878
[ Cell phone chimes ]
2101
01:29:42,794 --> 01:29:44,011
Fuck!
2102
01:29:47,966 --> 01:29:49,092
[ Engine starts ]
2103
01:29:51,428 --> 01:29:52,488
MARY: Your life dramatically.
2104
01:29:52,512 --> 01:29:53,684
[Audience laughs ]
2105
01:29:53,763 --> 01:29:56,482
Um, so then I started
keeping this journal.
2106
01:29:56,558 --> 01:29:58,652
And the journal is,
like, you know,
2107
01:29:58,727 --> 01:30:02,448
me overcompensating
and trying to act like
2108
01:30:02,522 --> 01:30:05,492
I'm living this, like, cool,
rock-and-roll lifestyle.
2109
01:30:05,567 --> 01:30:06,489
[ Mary chuckles]
2110
01:30:06,568 --> 01:30:08,787
When, in reality,
I'm in third grade,
2111
01:30:09,029 --> 01:30:10,155
crying all the time.
2112
01:30:10,280 --> 01:30:12,408
CHRIS: Hey, man,
Montreal Finals. You ready?
2113
01:30:13,366 --> 01:30:15,539
Oh, wait, are you getting all,
like, dark and moody
2114
01:30:15,619 --> 01:30:16,791
before your set?
2115
01:30:16,953 --> 01:30:19,797
Yeah, punish yourself
like a nasty, little baby.
2116
01:30:19,873 --> 01:30:22,547
Okay, okay, I am not
in the mood, okay, Chris?
2117
01:30:22,709 --> 01:30:24,256
I'll get you in the mood.
2118
01:30:24,377 --> 01:30:26,721
- CJ: You all right?
- I'll get you all in the mood!
2119
01:30:26,796 --> 01:30:28,764
Why is everybody saying
the same fucking thing?
2120
01:30:28,840 --> 01:30:30,067
- Yeah, I decide...
- Dude, are you all right?
2121
01:30:30,091 --> 01:30:31,138
Yeah, I'm doing great.
2122
01:30:31,217 --> 01:30:33,185
Okay, all right, dude,
I'm just checking on you.
2123
01:30:33,678 --> 01:30:35,931
MARY: It would have stuff,
like, you know, like,
2124
01:30:36,014 --> 01:30:37,561
an in-unit washer and dryer...
2125
01:30:37,641 --> 01:30:38,938
[ Dodd coughs ]
2126
01:30:39,517 --> 01:30:40,769
The fuck have you been, man?
2127
01:30:41,227 --> 01:30:43,025
- You're on next.
- Okay, okay.
2128
01:30:43,146 --> 01:30:44,523
[ The X-Files theme playing ]
2129
01:30:44,606 --> 01:30:46,279
MARY: Thank you, guys. I love you.
2130
01:30:46,358 --> 01:30:48,156
[Audience cheering
and applauding ]
2131
01:30:48,777 --> 01:30:49,903
Hello?
2132
01:30:49,986 --> 01:30:51,533
TERRY: Kumail, is that you?
2133
01:30:51,613 --> 01:30:53,206
- Yeah.
- It's Terry.
2134
01:30:53,531 --> 01:30:55,454
Uh, listen, we're not moving her.
2135
01:30:56,034 --> 01:30:57,286
The doctor, they said...
2136
01:30:57,369 --> 01:30:59,167
[ High-pitched ringing ]
2137
01:31:00,413 --> 01:31:03,041
[ Ringing fades]
2138
01:31:03,124 --> 01:31:06,094
[Audience cheering ]
2139
01:31:14,135 --> 01:31:15,154
Have you guys heard of this
2140
01:31:15,178 --> 01:31:16,930
new drug cocktail called cheese?
2141
01:31:18,139 --> 01:31:20,688
Like, that's the name of it,
it's called cheese.
2142
01:31:20,976 --> 01:31:23,946
Um... I saw all these news
reports, and they were like,
2143
01:31:24,020 --> 01:31:25,818
"There's a new drug,
it's called cheese."
2144
01:31:26,439 --> 01:31:27,907
"Everyone's doing it
in the Midwest."
2145
01:31:27,983 --> 01:31:29,030
"Kids are doing it."
2146
01:31:36,700 --> 01:31:38,623
It's just really hard
to do stand-up comedy
2147
01:31:38,702 --> 01:31:40,204
when your girlfriend is in a coma.
2148
01:31:40,578 --> 01:31:41,875
[ Scattered laughter]
2149
01:31:42,789 --> 01:31:43,915
Uh...
2150
01:31:44,165 --> 01:31:47,009
Not quite sure what part
you were laughing at.
2151
01:31:49,796 --> 01:31:51,190
They say she's fighting,
but she doesn't look like
2152
01:31:51,214 --> 01:31:53,057
she's fighting,
she looks like she's just...
2153
01:31:53,591 --> 01:31:55,111
She looks like
she's just laying there.
2154
01:31:55,468 --> 01:31:57,061
[ Breathing heavily]
2155
01:31:57,178 --> 01:32:00,557
I said horrible things to her,
and, um,
2156
01:32:00,765 --> 01:32:03,518
I said horrible things to her,
I h... I hurt her.
2157
01:32:03,977 --> 01:32:05,229
Um...
2158
01:32:06,021 --> 01:32:07,398
She loves birds.
2159
01:32:07,480 --> 01:32:09,083
Like, she gets excited
every time she sees a bird.
2160
01:32:09,107 --> 01:32:10,279
She's like,
2161
01:32:10,358 --> 01:32:11,655
"Look at this, it's a bird."
2162
01:32:11,735 --> 01:32:14,454
I'm always like, "Yeah,
they're all over the place."
2163
01:32:14,529 --> 01:32:15,655
"They're birds."
2164
01:32:15,739 --> 01:32:17,036
But she, like...
2165
01:32:17,115 --> 01:32:18,537
She likes that bird, you know?
2166
01:32:18,616 --> 01:32:20,493
Every bird she sees, she sees it.
2167
01:32:24,956 --> 01:32:26,424
Her dad just called
2168
01:32:26,499 --> 01:32:29,048
and said that they can't
transfer her
2169
01:32:31,171 --> 01:32:33,594
because the infection
has reached her heart.
2170
01:32:36,092 --> 01:32:37,264
Uh...
2171
01:32:39,471 --> 01:32:40,471
Which...
2172
01:32:40,555 --> 01:32:42,603
Which means she...
2173
01:32:42,682 --> 01:32:43,774
[ Sniffles ]
2174
01:32:45,351 --> 01:32:47,103
Which means she could die.
2175
01:32:54,152 --> 01:32:56,621
I don't know if you can
hear me or not, but...
2176
01:32:59,616 --> 01:33:03,496
it would be really good
if you pulled through.
2177
01:33:05,663 --> 01:33:08,712
If you have to go,
you can go, but...
2178
01:33:10,085 --> 01:33:11,962
It would be really great
if you stayed.
2179
01:33:13,129 --> 01:33:14,176
Uh...
2180
01:33:14,422 --> 01:33:18,143
And I'm really sorry
for what I did, okay?
2181
01:33:18,343 --> 01:33:20,471
[ Continues indistinctly]
2182
01:33:29,729 --> 01:33:31,823
[ Cell phone chimes ]
2183
01:33:51,084 --> 01:33:53,257
WOMAN ON PA:
Dr. Singh, to the pharmacy.
2184
01:33:53,336 --> 01:33:55,555
Dr. Singh, to the pharmacy.
2185
01:34:00,260 --> 01:34:02,934
[ Beth laughing ]
2186
01:34:03,012 --> 01:34:05,140
[ Indistinct conversation ]
2187
01:34:15,692 --> 01:34:17,569
- [Laughs]
- EMILY: Mom.
2188
01:34:17,861 --> 01:34:20,410
You're getting your tears
all over me.
2189
01:34:20,780 --> 01:34:22,908
When am I gonna be able
to feel my face?
2190
01:34:22,991 --> 01:34:24,191
- [ Beth laughs ]
- TERRY: Hmm.
2191
01:34:24,242 --> 01:34:25,962
Hey, you gave us
quite a scare there, scout.
2192
01:34:25,994 --> 01:34:27,371
- Really.
- EMILY: Scout?
2193
01:34:27,453 --> 01:34:29,056
TERRY: Come on,
I call you that all the time.
2194
01:34:29,080 --> 01:34:30,423
No, not since
2195
01:34:30,498 --> 01:34:31,725
- I was a grown-up.
- TERRY: Yes, I do.
2196
01:34:31,749 --> 01:34:33,060
I've been calling you that
my whole life.
2197
01:34:33,084 --> 01:34:35,178
- [ Slurps]
- BETH: Oh, oh, oh, oh!
2198
01:34:35,503 --> 01:34:36,880
- [ Laughing] Oh_ - [ Coughs ]
2199
01:34:36,963 --> 01:34:38,431
- Sorry, hon.
- What's happening?
2200
01:34:38,548 --> 01:34:40,926
- You okay? You all right?
- What is that crap?
2201
01:34:41,009 --> 01:34:42,807
We have to thicken
your liquids for a bit.
2202
01:34:42,886 --> 01:34:45,435
Your esophagus isn't strong
enough to swallow yet.
2203
01:34:45,763 --> 01:34:46,907
- That shit tastes like semen.
- [Laughs]
2204
01:34:46,931 --> 01:34:47,978
TERRY: That's nice
2205
01:34:48,057 --> 01:34:49,577
- for a father to hear.
- CUNNINGHAM: She won't have
2206
01:34:49,601 --> 01:34:50,828
any social inhibitions
until the...
2207
01:34:50,852 --> 01:34:51,944
The anesthetic wears off.
2208
01:34:52,020 --> 01:34:53,205
Seriously, Mom,
you should try this.
2209
01:34:53,229 --> 01:34:55,082
- No, wait a minute, honey.
- TERRY: Stop saying that.
2210
01:34:55,106 --> 01:34:56,208
- Not the cup.
- TERRY: Oh, come on,
2211
01:34:56,232 --> 01:34:57,324
come on, come on.
2212
01:34:58,067 --> 01:35:00,695
They'll charge us $48 for it,
don't worry about it.
2213
01:35:02,697 --> 01:35:03,823
Why are you here?
2214
01:35:03,948 --> 01:35:06,042
[Chuckles] I... I haven't
heard her voice in a while.
2215
01:35:06,117 --> 01:35:07,835
He's been...
He's been here the whole time.
2216
01:35:08,328 --> 01:35:10,751
Could I speak
with you both outside?
2217
01:35:10,830 --> 01:35:11,830
TERRY: Yeah.
2218
01:35:12,457 --> 01:35:14,101
- We'll be right back.
- Yeah, we'll be right outside.
2219
01:35:14,125 --> 01:35:15,217
EMILY: All right.
2220
01:35:21,758 --> 01:35:23,601
- [ Chuckles ] Hey.
- [ Door closes ]
2221
01:35:23,676 --> 01:35:25,098
Emily has a rare condition
2222
01:35:25,178 --> 01:35:27,647
called adult-onset
Still's disease.
2223
01:35:28,056 --> 01:35:30,434
Kumail mentioned
Emily's hurt ankle,
2224
01:35:30,683 --> 01:35:32,560
and the swelling
still hadn't gone down
2225
01:35:32,644 --> 01:35:34,271
even after several days in bed,
2226
01:35:34,395 --> 01:35:35,738
- which is strange.
- BETH: Mmm.
2227
01:35:35,813 --> 01:35:38,942
Still's disease is when
the body thinks healthy tissue
2228
01:35:39,025 --> 01:35:41,653
is an infection,
so it tries to fight it.
2229
01:35:41,736 --> 01:35:42,988
- Uh-huh.
- It's like a big
2230
01:35:43,154 --> 01:35:44,952
biological misunderstanding.
2231
01:35:45,073 --> 01:35:46,290
- Yeah, yeah.
- So,
2232
01:35:46,366 --> 01:35:48,164
we gave her anti-inflammatories,
2233
01:35:48,243 --> 01:35:49,836
and she stabilized within hours.
2234
01:35:49,911 --> 01:35:51,959
She's gonna take time to recover,
2235
01:35:52,038 --> 01:35:53,665
but she'll be fine.
2236
01:35:53,915 --> 01:35:56,009
- Wow.
- Full recovery.
2237
01:35:57,168 --> 01:35:58,636
What are you doing here?
2238
01:35:59,337 --> 01:36:00,777
I was visiting someone
down the hall,
2239
01:36:00,838 --> 01:36:02,107
and I was, like, I'll just pop in
2240
01:36:02,131 --> 01:36:03,804
- and say hi to Emily.
- Oh.
2241
01:36:03,883 --> 01:36:06,432
No, I'm joking. I'm here for you.
2242
01:36:07,053 --> 01:36:09,897
You're an asshole,
and I don't like you.
2243
01:36:10,139 --> 01:36:12,483
[Chuckles] I'm not an asshole.
I'm really not.
2244
01:36:12,558 --> 01:36:13,935
Oh, no, you're an asshole.
2245
01:36:14,018 --> 01:36:15,037
You have a lot of drugs in you,
2246
01:36:15,061 --> 01:36:16,734
so you're, like,
not thinking as clearly.
2247
01:36:16,813 --> 01:36:19,657
No, dawg, I'm not joking.
2248
01:36:20,024 --> 01:36:21,617
You're not funny to me.
2249
01:36:22,235 --> 01:36:23,578
You just make me sad.
2250
01:36:23,945 --> 01:36:26,073
You make me sad
inside of my heart,
2251
01:36:26,155 --> 01:36:27,828
and it makes me sad
to look at you.
2252
01:36:28,783 --> 01:36:31,332
So, I think you should
probably go.
2253
01:36:32,787 --> 01:36:35,256
Just go,
and tell my mom I want her.
2254
01:36:38,668 --> 01:36:40,670
Will you please get my mom?
2255
01:36:44,507 --> 01:36:47,010
BETH: I'm so sorry about that.
TERRY: Yeah, it's fine. Yeah.
2256
01:36:48,261 --> 01:36:49,979
Um, Emily wants to see you.
2257
01:36:50,054 --> 01:36:51,055
BETH: Oh.
2258
01:36:53,599 --> 01:36:55,192
Um, I'm gonna head out.
2259
01:36:55,727 --> 01:36:57,195
I don't think I should be here.
2260
01:36:58,521 --> 01:37:00,273
Ah, Kumail, here's the thing.
2261
01:37:01,024 --> 01:37:03,072
Your living condition, it's, uh...
2262
01:37:03,401 --> 01:37:04,903
It's a potential health risk.
2263
01:37:06,487 --> 01:37:08,455
And you're not that funny.
2264
01:37:09,407 --> 01:37:13,537
But you're probably not suited
to do anything else either,
2265
01:37:13,619 --> 01:37:14,916
so that's troublesome.
2266
01:37:14,996 --> 01:37:16,557
You really made it sound
like you were gonna
2267
01:37:16,581 --> 01:37:18,834
say something positive there.
[ Chuckles ]
2268
01:37:18,916 --> 01:37:20,634
Yeah, I guess I did, didn't I?
2269
01:37:21,294 --> 01:37:22,967
Well, you know...
2270
01:37:24,839 --> 01:37:26,182
You know I know the good stuff.
2271
01:37:26,257 --> 01:37:27,443
- [Laughs]
- I know the good stuff.
2272
01:37:27,467 --> 01:37:28,844
I don't know, so you know...
2273
01:37:28,926 --> 01:37:30,428
You know how I feel. I got to...
2274
01:37:31,554 --> 01:37:32,806
- I got to get in.
- Yeah.
2275
01:37:33,639 --> 01:37:34,686
[ Door closes ]
2276
01:37:35,058 --> 01:37:36,401
[ Indistinct conversation ]
2277
01:37:36,476 --> 01:37:38,149
TERRY: What'd I miss?
What'd I miss?
2278
01:37:38,227 --> 01:37:40,446
BETH: Brick on top of
the grilled cheese and...
2279
01:37:40,521 --> 01:37:41,613
TERRY: Yeah.
2280
01:37:41,689 --> 01:37:43,236
EMILY: Yeah, I want that.
2281
01:37:43,399 --> 01:37:45,276
- Be right back.
- Bacon or something...
2282
01:37:47,445 --> 01:37:49,413
- Hey
- Hey
2283
01:37:50,281 --> 01:37:52,249
So you're gonna hang around
Chicago for a while?
2284
01:37:52,325 --> 01:37:53,325
Yeah.
2285
01:37:53,368 --> 01:37:55,462
- She's got physical therapy.
- Oh.
2286
01:37:56,204 --> 01:37:58,502
[Laughing] Did you ever think
you'd be excited
2287
01:37:58,581 --> 01:38:00,925
to have your daughter
go through physical therapy?
2288
01:38:02,627 --> 01:38:04,063
It's so strange
that we could go through
2289
01:38:04,087 --> 01:38:05,839
one of the most intense
expeflences
2290
01:38:05,922 --> 01:38:07,674
of our lives together and just...
2291
01:38:09,008 --> 01:38:10,931
Just never see each other again.
2292
01:38:11,761 --> 01:38:12,933
Maybe.
2293
01:38:16,974 --> 01:38:18,396
But I hope not.
2294
01:38:28,152 --> 01:38:29,654
[ Door closes ]
2295
01:38:32,323 --> 01:38:33,963
Threw a bird at you,
and then ran away,
2296
01:38:33,991 --> 01:38:35,208
and you're like, "Oh, crap!"
2297
01:38:35,284 --> 01:38:36,410
"I own a bird now!"
2298
01:38:36,869 --> 01:38:38,712
MARY: Hi, little sad man.
2299
01:38:38,788 --> 01:38:39,880
_Mopey boy.
- [ Both laugh ]
2300
01:38:39,956 --> 01:38:40,832
Hey.
2301
01:38:40,915 --> 01:38:42,101
We have something to tell you.
2302
01:38:42,125 --> 01:38:43,468
CJ: Yes. Tell him.
2303
01:38:43,543 --> 01:38:45,420
- We're moving to New York.
- New York.
2304
01:38:45,503 --> 01:38:46,629
- What?
- MARY: Mm-hmm.
2305
01:38:46,712 --> 01:38:48,385
And we want you to come with us.
2306
01:38:48,464 --> 01:38:49,716
Are you serious?
2307
01:38:49,799 --> 01:38:51,801
CJ: You got to do it.
It's gonna suck at first,
2308
01:38:51,884 --> 01:38:53,112
but we're gonna have each other,
2309
01:38:53,136 --> 01:38:54,571
and maybe we'll eventually
get paid to write jokes.
2310
01:38:54,595 --> 01:38:55,656
- MARY: Mm-hmm.
- It's gonna be the best.
2311
01:38:55,680 --> 01:38:56,556
Come on, dude.
2312
01:38:56,639 --> 01:38:57,639
You have to come.
2313
01:38:58,099 --> 01:39:00,352
I know you did not get Montreal,
2314
01:39:00,435 --> 01:39:02,358
and that is only because
2315
01:39:02,437 --> 01:39:04,439
you did one of the worst sets
I've ever seen
2316
01:39:04,522 --> 01:39:06,115
in my goddamn life.
2317
01:39:06,315 --> 01:39:07,692
- Yeah.
- CJ: It was nonsense.
2318
01:39:07,775 --> 01:39:09,072
MARY: A living disgrace.
2319
01:39:09,152 --> 01:39:11,905
I would call it shit,
but I would be worried
2320
01:39:11,988 --> 01:39:14,082
that I'd be insulting actual shit.
2321
01:39:14,198 --> 01:39:16,997
Yeah, it was
so bone-chilling to me,
2322
01:39:17,076 --> 01:39:19,499
I thought a ghost had
passed right through me.
2323
01:39:19,579 --> 01:39:20,639
We don't have to keep going over
2324
01:39:20,663 --> 01:39:21,755
how bad the set was.
2325
01:39:21,831 --> 01:39:22,923
I saw their faces
2326
01:39:22,999 --> 01:39:24,279
and the noises they didn't make.
2327
01:39:24,375 --> 01:39:26,145
- I felt one of my eggs die.
- [ Kumail laughs ]
2328
01:39:26,169 --> 01:39:27,688
Doesn't that happen,
like, every month?
2329
01:39:27,712 --> 01:39:29,339
It happens every month, Kumail,
2330
01:39:29,422 --> 01:39:31,265
but I don't always
feel it and go...
2331
01:39:31,340 --> 01:39:32,887
[ Groaning ]
2332
01:39:33,009 --> 01:39:35,853
- [ Chuckles ]
- [ Groaning ]
2333
01:39:36,137 --> 01:39:37,281
And that's what you made me do.
2334
01:39:37,305 --> 01:39:38,602
- Yeah.
- I...
2335
01:39:38,681 --> 01:39:41,730
I'm packing my things up,
and I'm moving to New York,
2336
01:39:41,809 --> 01:39:44,278
and guess what, baby.
You're coming with me.
2337
01:39:44,562 --> 01:39:45,609
What about Chris?
2338
01:39:45,688 --> 01:39:46,748
Have you ever seen a pigeon
2339
01:39:46,772 --> 01:39:48,319
try and pick up another pigeon?
2340
01:39:48,733 --> 01:39:50,076
MARY: He will be fine.
2341
01:39:50,151 --> 01:39:52,779
There's not enough room
in the car, probably.
2342
01:39:52,862 --> 01:39:54,284
We leave in a week. All right?
2343
01:39:54,614 --> 01:39:56,654
And I already called shotgun,
Chicago to Pittsburgh.
2344
01:39:56,699 --> 01:39:57,700
Do not fuck this up.
2345
01:39:57,825 --> 01:39:59,202
Your destiny awaits.
2346
01:39:59,285 --> 01:40:00,929
CJ: This'll be the biggest
move of your life,
2347
01:40:00,953 --> 01:40:02,876
other than the one from Pakistan.
2348
01:40:02,955 --> 01:40:05,003
- KUMAIL: Yeah.
- [ Audience laughing ]
2349
01:40:05,082 --> 01:40:07,144
EMILY: I didn't have any kind
of epiphany or anything...
2350
01:40:07,168 --> 01:40:09,216
Hey, clink, clink, clink,
clink, clink.
2351
01:40:09,295 --> 01:40:10,046
[ Chuckles ]
2352
01:40:10,129 --> 01:40:12,348
Hey, everybody. Thank you
for, uh, for coming.
2353
01:40:12,423 --> 01:40:14,050
I just want to say a couple, uh...
2354
01:40:14,175 --> 01:40:15,392
A couple of words here.
2355
01:40:15,468 --> 01:40:17,436
Mom, why is Kumail here?
2356
01:40:18,304 --> 01:40:20,306
'Cause he was there
the whole time, you know.
2357
01:40:20,765 --> 01:40:23,689
I invited the nurses,
I invited him.
2358
01:40:24,352 --> 01:40:25,820
TERRY: And, um, for...
2359
01:40:25,895 --> 01:40:27,488
Emily, come on up,
come on up here.
2360
01:40:27,563 --> 01:40:28,610
I want to say something.
2361
01:40:28,689 --> 01:40:29,958
- I want to say something.
- Dad.
2362
01:40:29,982 --> 01:40:31,168
TERRY: Talk amongst yourselves.
2363
01:40:31,192 --> 01:40:33,866
- This might take a...
- [ People laughing ]
2364
01:40:33,945 --> 01:40:36,619
Emily successfully peeled
an orange this morning.
2365
01:40:36,697 --> 01:40:38,244
- Dad!
- [ Chuckles ] Yeah.
2366
01:40:38,324 --> 01:40:40,326
It was... It was a clementine.
2367
01:40:40,409 --> 01:40:42,207
Full disclosure, a clementine.
2368
01:40:42,286 --> 01:40:44,084
It's those little ones
that, you know,
2369
01:40:44,372 --> 01:40:46,500
- a baby monkey could peel it.
- [ All laugh ]
2370
01:40:46,582 --> 01:40:48,300
But, uh, but she did it.
2371
01:40:48,584 --> 01:40:50,632
And... And, yeah, so that's all.
We just...
2372
01:40:50,711 --> 01:40:52,964
Thank you, everybody. Hey...
2373
01:40:53,047 --> 01:40:55,470
[ "Good Woman" by Maker playing ]
2374
01:40:56,217 --> 01:40:57,309
Hi.
2375
01:40:58,719 --> 01:41:00,141
I like your cane.
2376
01:41:01,180 --> 01:41:04,059
- I heard pimpin' ain't easy.
- Right.
2377
01:41:04,767 --> 01:41:06,519
Hey, could we talk for a second?
2378
01:41:06,602 --> 01:41:07,774
EMILY: Sure.
2379
01:41:12,858 --> 01:41:14,906
So I've been collecting
some things, uh,
2380
01:41:14,986 --> 01:41:16,203
that are important to me,
2381
01:41:16,279 --> 01:41:17,826
and I wanted to show them to you.
2382
01:41:18,864 --> 01:41:20,787
I call this my bag of devotion.
2383
01:41:23,202 --> 01:41:28,333
Uh, so this is, uh,
all the visitor passes
2384
01:41:28,416 --> 01:41:30,885
from when I visited you
when you were in the...
2385
01:41:31,043 --> 01:41:32,215
um...
2386
01:41:40,177 --> 01:41:42,930
So... these are the tickets
2387
01:41:43,014 --> 01:41:45,733
from when your parents
came to see me perform,
2388
01:41:46,183 --> 01:41:49,687
and, uh, I... I realized
how great they are,
2389
01:41:49,979 --> 01:41:53,404
and how great you are,
2390
01:41:53,691 --> 01:41:56,035
and how great honesty is.
2391
01:41:59,530 --> 01:42:00,702
What did you do?
2392
01:42:00,865 --> 01:42:02,708
Did you cremate someone?
2393
01:42:02,825 --> 01:42:06,045
These are the ashes
of all the Pakistani women...
2394
01:42:06,871 --> 01:42:07,963
Not the women...
2395
01:42:08,164 --> 01:42:10,542
The pictures of
the Pakistani women.
2396
01:42:11,167 --> 01:42:14,421
I thought this was a good idea,
and it feels kind of...
2397
01:42:14,920 --> 01:42:16,297
It feels a little stupid.
2398
01:42:25,640 --> 01:42:27,768
I know I was a terrible boyfriend,
2399
01:42:29,644 --> 01:42:31,271
but I have changed.
2400
01:42:31,604 --> 01:42:33,481
And I am the person
you need me to be.
2401
01:42:33,564 --> 01:42:34,736
I really am.
2402
01:42:35,107 --> 01:42:36,529
So...
2403
01:42:38,653 --> 01:42:40,155
Will you take me back?
2404
01:42:42,490 --> 01:42:44,618
Kumail, I'm really glad
that you...
2405
01:42:45,993 --> 01:42:48,712
went through this experience,
2406
01:42:50,206 --> 01:42:51,628
but you have to understand that
2407
01:42:51,707 --> 01:42:53,801
that all happened
when I was asleep.
2408
01:42:54,835 --> 01:42:57,839
Like, you felt one way
a few weeks ago,
2409
01:42:57,922 --> 01:43:00,596
and now you're saying you feel
the total opposite way,
2410
01:43:00,675 --> 01:43:01,943
and the only thing that's changed
2411
01:43:01,967 --> 01:43:03,264
is that I was in a coma.
2412
01:43:03,469 --> 01:43:05,267
Honestly, I... I...
2413
01:43:06,764 --> 01:43:08,812
I look at all of this,
and I just think,
2414
01:43:08,891 --> 01:43:10,518
you know,
I just can't do it again.
2415
01:43:10,935 --> 01:43:12,079
- And I can't... [ Sniffles ]
- I...
2416
01:43:12,103 --> 01:43:15,983
I can't be the reason
that you don't have a family.
2417
01:43:17,149 --> 01:43:19,197
[ Sniffles ]
2418
01:43:20,569 --> 01:43:22,367
It just feels
totally different now.
2419
01:43:23,531 --> 01:43:25,374
And I can't do that again.
2420
01:43:27,827 --> 01:43:29,329
Do you understand?
2421
01:43:34,041 --> 01:43:35,213
- Okay _ - Okay'?
2422
01:43:35,292 --> 01:43:37,420
- Okay.
- [ Sniffles ]
2423
01:43:59,150 --> 01:44:01,403
[ Inaudible]
2424
01:44:40,149 --> 01:44:41,822
[ Door closes ]
2425
01:44:41,901 --> 01:44:44,700
[ Indistinct conversations ]
2426
01:44:45,529 --> 01:44:47,122
[Kumail sighs]
2427
01:44:47,990 --> 01:44:49,116
Sorry.
2428
01:44:49,742 --> 01:44:50,742
Ma.
2429
01:44:51,994 --> 01:44:52,836
Dad.
2430
01:44:52,912 --> 01:44:55,006
Fatima. Bhai. Kya haal hai?
2431
01:44:55,706 --> 01:44:57,174
Oh, there's no plate.
2432
01:45:01,086 --> 01:45:02,086
Oh.
2433
01:45:02,838 --> 01:45:05,057
Oh, I forgot, um, I've decided
2434
01:45:05,132 --> 01:45:07,055
I won't let you
kick me out of the family.
2435
01:45:07,384 --> 01:45:09,102
Since I'm a member of the family,
2436
01:45:09,178 --> 01:45:10,989
it would stand to reason
that I would get a vote
2437
01:45:11,013 --> 01:45:12,890
in whether or not
I get kicked out,
2438
01:45:12,973 --> 01:45:15,146
and that vote would have
to be unanimous,
2439
01:45:15,226 --> 01:45:16,694
standard parliamentary procedure.
2440
01:45:16,769 --> 01:45:19,898
So, all those in favor
of not kicking Kumail
2441
01:45:19,980 --> 01:45:21,698
out of the family,
raise your hand.
2442
01:45:24,276 --> 01:45:27,371
Great. Motion to kick Kumail
out of the family denied.
2443
01:45:27,863 --> 01:45:29,615
So, you guys can just talk to me.
2444
01:45:31,784 --> 01:45:33,627
Okay, you're giving me
the silent treatment.
2445
01:45:34,578 --> 01:45:37,001
I figured that was
what was gonna happen.
2446
01:45:37,081 --> 01:45:38,503
I have a solution.
2447
01:45:38,582 --> 01:45:41,256
So, "Hi, how are you?"
2448
01:45:41,377 --> 01:45:43,300
That's just a real basic one.
You know.
2449
01:45:44,547 --> 01:45:47,016
"Pass the salt." Practical.
2450
01:45:47,091 --> 01:45:48,434
[ Kumail chuckles]
2451
01:45:48,592 --> 01:45:50,310
"Always with the comedy."
2452
01:45:50,386 --> 01:45:53,481
Mom, made that one
specially for you.
2453
01:45:54,223 --> 01:45:57,397
"Kumail, how did you become
so much more handsome"
2454
01:45:57,476 --> 01:45:59,524
"than your brother Naveed?"
2455
01:45:59,603 --> 01:46:00,980
Bullshit. [ Bangs table]
2456
01:46:04,942 --> 01:46:06,785
I admit, this one is designed
2457
01:46:06,861 --> 01:46:08,454
to stir up some controversy.
2458
01:46:10,489 --> 01:46:12,036
"It's interesting
how you can't really"
2459
01:46:12,116 --> 01:46:13,993
"kick someone out
of your family because"
2460
01:46:14,118 --> 01:46:17,748
"they will always be your family."
2461
01:46:20,040 --> 01:46:22,213
I agree with that one.
That's a good one.
2462
01:46:22,626 --> 01:46:26,597
So, I'm gonna leave these
here for you.
2463
01:46:32,052 --> 01:46:33,850
I am sorry I lied about the girls
2464
01:46:33,929 --> 01:46:35,476
and the LSAT and all of that.
2465
01:46:35,556 --> 01:46:36,682
That was wrong.
2466
01:46:37,099 --> 01:46:38,396
And one more thing.
2467
01:46:38,517 --> 01:46:41,566
I'm moving to New York
to pursue stand-up,
2468
01:46:42,563 --> 01:46:45,817
but I am not leaving this family.
2469
01:47:05,461 --> 01:47:09,136
My parents, um, they want
me to get arrange married.
2470
01:47:09,298 --> 01:47:13,098
Or, as it's, uh,
called in Pakistan, romance!
2471
01:47:13,177 --> 01:47:14,279
- [ Laughs softly]
- And earlier today,
2472
01:47:14,303 --> 01:47:15,655
I told them everything.
I told them
2473
01:47:15,679 --> 01:47:18,558
about my life,
I told them about Emily.
2474
01:47:19,391 --> 01:47:21,393
They kicked me out of the family.
2475
01:47:21,852 --> 01:47:23,399
I may never talk to them again.
2476
01:47:24,021 --> 01:47:25,661
- So, that happened.
- [ Knocking on door]
2477
01:47:26,231 --> 01:47:28,029
- EMILY: What is it?
- BETH: Can I come in?
2478
01:47:29,109 --> 01:47:30,281
Okay-
2479
01:47:30,903 --> 01:47:31,995
I swear, you and Dad
2480
01:47:32,071 --> 01:47:33,664
are just like
my freshman year roommate,
2481
01:47:33,739 --> 01:47:36,242
but instead of just,
like, boning random dudes,
2482
01:47:36,325 --> 01:47:38,168
you're just parenting
all the time.
2483
01:47:39,411 --> 01:47:42,460
All over the place.
In every room of the house.
2484
01:47:43,499 --> 01:47:45,217
Including right next to me.
2485
01:47:48,796 --> 01:47:50,048
We got to go.
2486
01:47:51,006 --> 01:47:52,007
Home?
2487
01:47:52,299 --> 01:47:53,346
- No.
- Yeah.
2488
01:47:53,509 --> 01:47:54,601
It's time.
2489
01:47:56,387 --> 01:47:57,809
I'm not ready.
2490
01:47:58,180 --> 01:47:59,227
Yeah, you know what?
2491
01:47:59,515 --> 01:48:00,732
You're strong.
2492
01:48:01,684 --> 01:48:02,856
And you are.
2493
01:48:06,772 --> 01:48:09,867
And we would go to the mosque
and hear graphic details
2494
01:48:09,942 --> 01:48:12,491
of religious people
being killed 1,400 years ago.
2495
01:48:12,569 --> 01:48:15,573
I mean, like,
Tarantino-esque details.
2496
01:48:15,656 --> 01:48:17,217
- [ Scattered laughter]
- And everyone would be crying,
2497
01:48:17,241 --> 01:48:19,994
like, competing to see
who could cry the hardest.
2498
01:48:20,119 --> 01:48:21,917
And I could never cry.
2499
01:48:22,121 --> 01:48:23,473
And I was like,
what is wrong with me?
2500
01:48:23,497 --> 01:48:24,497
Am I broken?
2501
01:48:24,540 --> 01:48:26,008
The only time I've cried that much
2502
01:48:26,083 --> 01:48:28,177
is during
the first 15 minutes of Up.
2503
01:48:28,460 --> 01:48:30,087
[ Scattered laughter]
2504
01:48:30,421 --> 01:48:32,264
This is a picture of me
and my mother.
2505
01:48:32,506 --> 01:48:33,928
I'm seven years old.
2506
01:48:34,216 --> 01:48:37,140
You know people, they talk
about the... the New York water.
2507
01:48:37,428 --> 01:48:39,601
Chicago water
is very underrated, I think.
2508
01:48:39,722 --> 01:48:40,722
It's good.
2509
01:48:40,764 --> 01:48:42,016
EMILY: Hey, GUYS-
2510
01:48:42,099 --> 01:48:44,648
I think I might
just pop out for a bit.
2511
01:48:45,102 --> 01:48:46,445
What, by yourself?
2512
01:48:46,895 --> 01:48:49,148
Yeah, just hop around the block.
2513
01:48:49,398 --> 01:48:50,900
Maybe get some frozen yogurt.
2514
01:48:51,025 --> 01:48:52,322
TERRY: You okay? Can you do it?
2515
01:48:52,401 --> 01:48:53,903
Can you walk by yourself?
2516
01:48:53,986 --> 01:48:55,238
- Yeah, Dad.
- All right.
2517
01:48:55,612 --> 01:48:56,612
Have fun.
2518
01:48:56,780 --> 01:48:58,999
If you feel a coma
coming on, call us.
2519
01:48:59,241 --> 01:49:01,039
- Dad, it's too soon.
- Right.
2520
01:49:01,118 --> 01:49:02,165
[ Beth laughs]
2521
01:49:02,244 --> 01:49:03,638
I love you,
I'll see you in the morning.
2522
01:49:03,662 --> 01:49:04,754
- Love you.
- Bye.
2523
01:49:04,830 --> 01:49:05,706
Okay. Love you. Bye.
2524
01:49:05,789 --> 01:49:07,257
- BETH: Have fun.
- I will.
2525
01:49:07,332 --> 01:49:08,754
- TERRY: Got your phone?
- Yep.
2526
01:49:09,918 --> 01:49:11,170
[ Door opens ]
2527
01:49:11,628 --> 01:49:12,647
KUMAILI But you liked it, huh?
2528
01:49:12,671 --> 01:49:14,344
Yeah. I mean...
2529
01:49:15,924 --> 01:49:16,924
Yeah.
2530
01:49:17,092 --> 01:49:18,389
I mean...
2531
01:49:22,139 --> 01:49:23,982
- Hey.
- Hi.
2532
01:49:26,393 --> 01:49:28,361
- What are you doing here?
- Uh...
2533
01:49:28,437 --> 01:49:29,477
I was in the neighborhood,
2534
01:49:29,521 --> 01:49:32,115
and I saw that you were
gonna be here,
2535
01:49:32,191 --> 01:49:34,785
so I thought I'd come say hi.
2536
01:49:35,569 --> 01:49:36,616
You look great.
2537
01:49:36,987 --> 01:49:38,455
How's your blood oxygen level?
2538
01:49:38,655 --> 01:49:40,828
Oh, well within range.
2539
01:49:40,991 --> 01:49:42,868
- Nice.
- [ Both laugh ]
2540
01:49:44,578 --> 01:49:48,583
Um, this is my brother, Naveed.
2541
01:49:49,249 --> 01:49:51,092
- Hi. Hi.
- Hi. I'm Emily.
2542
01:49:51,168 --> 01:49:52,590
I've heard lots about you.
2543
01:49:52,878 --> 01:49:54,425
It's so good to finally meet you.
2544
01:49:54,505 --> 01:49:55,552
Yeah.
2545
01:49:57,549 --> 01:50:00,894
There's actually something
I wanted to, uh, tell you.
2546
01:50:05,099 --> 01:50:07,477
Okay, well, I'm gonna just...
2547
01:50:08,560 --> 01:50:09,732
- Good-bye.
- Bye.
2548
01:50:11,396 --> 01:50:12,773
KUMAIL: See you, bhai.
2549
01:50:17,194 --> 01:50:19,037
- [ Sighs ]
- [ Door closes ]
2550
01:50:24,076 --> 01:50:25,373
BETH: Are you warm enough?
2551
01:50:26,203 --> 01:50:28,581
Yeah, yeah. I got
my two pairs of socks on.
2552
01:50:44,179 --> 01:50:45,476
[Sighs]
2553
01:51:01,113 --> 01:51:02,535
Do you mind?
2554
01:51:04,616 --> 01:51:05,788
No.
2555
01:51:15,460 --> 01:51:17,633
BETH: I'm glad
we're going home tomorrow.
2556
01:51:18,338 --> 01:51:19,715
TERRY: Me, too.
2557
01:51:20,799 --> 01:51:22,722
See? I should've brushed my teeth.
2558
01:51:24,595 --> 01:51:25,847
BETH: I like it.
2559
01:51:27,055 --> 01:51:28,853
When something like this happens,
2560
01:51:28,974 --> 01:51:30,476
there's this sort of expectation
2561
01:51:30,559 --> 01:51:32,607
that you're gonna
have this completely,
2562
01:51:32,978 --> 01:51:34,946
like, new lease on life, and...
2563
01:51:36,106 --> 01:51:38,108
feel totally different
about everything,
2564
01:51:38,192 --> 01:51:41,617
and, like, cherish every sunrise,
2565
01:51:42,696 --> 01:51:44,289
and, like, for the most part,
2566
01:51:44,364 --> 01:51:46,537
I just feel like, ugh,
I can't get up that early.
2567
01:51:47,117 --> 01:51:48,664
[ Chuckles ] You know?
2568
01:51:51,705 --> 01:51:52,706
I'm sorry, I feel like
2569
01:51:52,789 --> 01:51:54,142
I've been talking
about myself so much.
2570
01:51:54,166 --> 01:51:55,008
No.
2571
01:51:55,083 --> 01:51:56,144
Are you doing a lot of stand-up?
2572
01:51:56,168 --> 01:51:58,637
- Are you...
- Yeah. I, uh,
2573
01:51:58,712 --> 01:52:02,683
bombed my Montreal
Comedy Festival audition.
2574
01:52:02,883 --> 01:52:04,055
Like, horrifically, like...
2575
01:52:04,134 --> 01:52:05,511
I saw the video.
2576
01:52:06,261 --> 01:52:07,261
[Laughs]
2577
01:52:07,304 --> 01:52:08,180
- [ Groans ]
- Yeah.
2578
01:52:08,263 --> 01:52:09,856
- It wasn't great.
- No... No.
2579
01:52:09,932 --> 01:52:11,559
I'll be honest with you,
it wasn't great.
2580
01:52:11,642 --> 01:52:13,019
No. I know.
2581
01:52:13,227 --> 01:52:17,357
But there was a lot I liked.
Like a... like a lot I liked.
2582
01:52:22,486 --> 01:52:24,033
I'm moving to New York.
2583
01:52:26,531 --> 01:52:27,657
Really?
2584
01:52:27,741 --> 01:52:28,958
Yeah, um...
2585
01:52:30,077 --> 01:52:31,795
Mary and CJ and I are, like...
2586
01:52:34,748 --> 01:52:38,127
Just gonna drive out, and we
have a place all ready, and...
2587
01:52:40,295 --> 01:52:42,718
- When do you leave?
- Next weekend.
2588
01:52:43,548 --> 01:52:46,392
L... I'm so excited for you.
That is so great.
2589
01:52:46,635 --> 01:52:48,888
Like, you are going to just...
2590
01:52:49,221 --> 01:52:50,894
do so great in New York.
2591
01:52:54,351 --> 01:52:55,568
What were you gonna say?
2592
01:52:56,603 --> 01:52:57,650
What?
2593
01:52:58,272 --> 01:53:00,274
You said you were gonna
say something to me.
2594
01:53:01,316 --> 01:53:02,488
What was it?
2595
01:53:05,529 --> 01:53:08,453
Oh, just that I, um,
I wanted to thank you.
2596
01:53:09,574 --> 01:53:10,746
Uh, my parents told me
2597
01:53:10,826 --> 01:53:12,169
everything that you did for me,
2598
01:53:12,244 --> 01:53:13,763
and I feel like
the last time we spoke,
2599
01:53:13,787 --> 01:53:15,585
I didn't properly thank you, so...
2600
01:53:15,872 --> 01:53:17,795
Oh. Yeah.
2601
01:53:18,292 --> 01:53:21,091
[ Chuckles ] Totally fine.
2602
01:53:22,045 --> 01:53:23,513
I should probably go.
2603
01:53:23,588 --> 01:53:26,808
- Do you want to call an Uber?
- No, I'm gonna walk, actually.
2604
01:53:26,883 --> 01:53:29,477
So, this has been really great.
2605
01:53:29,970 --> 01:53:31,017
All right.
2606
01:53:31,471 --> 01:53:33,690
- Okay, bye.
- Yeah.
2607
01:53:40,230 --> 01:53:41,332
The scene is gonna be, like,
2608
01:53:41,356 --> 01:53:42,858
so different with you guys gone.
2609
01:53:43,358 --> 01:53:45,281
Well, you should come out.
2610
01:53:46,737 --> 01:53:48,535
No, I'm... I'm good here.
2611
01:53:48,989 --> 01:53:51,162
- I'm gonna miss you.
- I'm gonna miss you.
2612
01:53:53,160 --> 01:53:54,457
Get out of here, you assholes.
2613
01:53:54,536 --> 01:53:55,378
All right.
2614
01:53:55,454 --> 01:53:56,831
MARY: Come here, you big dummy.
2615
01:53:57,331 --> 01:53:58,331
[ Mary laughs]
2616
01:53:58,623 --> 01:54:00,000
- Bye.
- CHRIS: I'll miss you.
2617
01:54:06,590 --> 01:54:08,342
You're still kicked out
of the family.
2618
01:54:08,592 --> 01:54:10,515
But because we did not
get a proper chance
2619
01:54:10,594 --> 01:54:11,594
to say bye to you, so...
2620
01:54:13,263 --> 01:54:15,482
Your mother is so angry with you.
2621
01:54:16,224 --> 01:54:17,618
She's not going to
get out of the car.
2622
01:54:17,642 --> 01:54:19,042
She's not even going
to look at you.
2623
01:54:19,686 --> 01:54:21,529
I don't believe that you kept
so much of secret
2624
01:54:21,605 --> 01:54:22,777
from me, your father.
2625
01:54:23,815 --> 01:54:24,907
Sorry.
2626
01:54:26,318 --> 01:54:27,365
Here.
2627
01:54:27,861 --> 01:54:29,283
She asked me to give this to you.
2628
01:54:30,197 --> 01:54:31,244
Mutton biryani.
2629
01:54:31,490 --> 01:54:32,616
For your trip.
2630
01:54:32,908 --> 01:54:34,080
Your favorite.
2631
01:54:35,202 --> 01:54:38,422
She made it herself, specially
for you, with extra potatoes.
2632
01:54:40,123 --> 01:54:41,295
Thank you, Ma!
2633
01:54:43,168 --> 01:54:45,136
- Is she okay?
- Right now?
2634
01:54:45,253 --> 01:54:46,300
No.
2635
01:54:47,255 --> 01:54:48,255
I'll miss you.
2636
01:54:48,673 --> 01:54:51,096
I'm forbidden
from hugging you, so...
2637
01:54:52,969 --> 01:54:54,721
it was nice to have you as my son.
2638
01:54:56,765 --> 01:54:58,142
Good-bye forever.
2639
01:55:00,102 --> 01:55:02,230
And do me a favor,
when you reach New York,
2640
01:55:02,312 --> 01:55:06,067
just text us and tell us that
you've reached safely, okay?
2641
01:55:07,818 --> 01:55:09,070
I will.
2642
01:55:10,404 --> 01:55:11,872
Dad, can I ask you something?
2643
01:55:13,365 --> 01:55:15,538
When you and Mom
went on your first date,
2644
01:55:16,034 --> 01:55:17,411
what movie did you see?
2645
01:55:18,870 --> 01:55:20,167
Satte Pe Satta.
2646
01:55:21,373 --> 01:55:22,966
[Singing in Hindi]
2647
01:55:25,627 --> 01:55:26,628
Her favorite song.
2648
01:55:27,254 --> 01:55:28,301
Why you asking?
2649
01:55:29,548 --> 01:55:30,845
I was just curious.
2650
01:55:31,216 --> 01:55:32,388
Okay-
2651
01:55:50,652 --> 01:55:51,754
- KUMAIL: Let's do it.
- Let's do it.
2652
01:55:51,778 --> 01:55:52,620
- Okay.
- All right.
2653
01:55:52,696 --> 01:55:53,798
- See you later, dudes.
- Let's do it.
2654
01:55:53,822 --> 01:55:55,165
- See you.
- Hey, we'll text.
2655
01:55:55,240 --> 01:55:56,480
- Ooh, sorry.
- Yeah, please do.
2656
01:56:01,246 --> 01:56:03,340
KUMAIL: So, the first time
I came to America,
2657
01:56:03,415 --> 01:56:04,632
I was, like, 14,
2658
01:56:04,708 --> 01:56:06,585
and I was just visiting
my uncle in New York,
2659
01:56:06,668 --> 01:56:08,386
and it just happened
to be Thanksgiving.
2660
01:56:08,670 --> 01:56:11,048
My first day in America,
my uncle took me
2661
01:56:11,131 --> 01:56:13,304
to the Macy's
Thanksgiving Day parade.
2662
01:56:13,383 --> 01:56:14,430
[Audience laughing ]
2663
01:56:14,509 --> 01:56:17,183
And I was like, "This is
every day in America!"
2664
01:56:17,888 --> 01:56:19,606
As advertised.
2665
01:56:20,432 --> 01:56:24,027
Every day, they have a party
celebrating Garfield.
2666
01:56:24,769 --> 01:56:26,988
No day has lived up to that day.
2667
01:56:28,899 --> 01:56:30,901
I was, uh, lying to my parents,
2668
01:56:30,984 --> 01:56:32,782
I was telling them
I was gonna be a lawyer.
2669
01:56:33,320 --> 01:56:34,572
And they're very disappointed
2670
01:56:34,654 --> 01:56:36,327
'cause they wanted me
to be a doctor.
2671
01:56:36,406 --> 01:56:37,328
[Audience laughing ]
2672
01:56:37,407 --> 01:56:39,010
You guys are like,
why didn't you just tell them
2673
01:56:39,034 --> 01:56:40,661
that you wanted to be a doctor?
2674
01:56:40,744 --> 01:56:41,971
It's a lie anyway, and I'm like,
2675
01:56:41,995 --> 01:56:43,195
well, it has to be believable.
2676
01:56:43,580 --> 01:56:45,173
If I told them
"I want to be a doctor,"
2677
01:56:45,248 --> 01:56:46,670
they'd be like, "Bullshit."
2678
01:56:47,083 --> 01:56:49,677
If I said "lawyer,"
they're like, "Oh, okay.
2679
01:56:49,753 --> 01:56:50,675
"That's something."
2680
01:56:50,754 --> 01:56:52,256
'Cause there's a strict hierarchy.
2681
01:56:52,422 --> 01:56:55,426
It's doctor, engineer, lawyer,
2682
01:56:55,842 --> 01:56:57,264
hundreds of jobs,
2683
01:56:58,136 --> 01:56:59,934
ISIS, then comedian.
2684
01:57:00,138 --> 01:57:02,311
- [ Audience laughing ]
- [ Emily whoops loudly]
2685
01:57:04,017 --> 01:57:05,143
[ Chuckles ]
2686
01:57:05,227 --> 01:57:07,696
Ah, I'm sorry.
2687
01:57:07,771 --> 01:57:09,865
It's very rude
to heckle comedians.
2688
01:57:10,065 --> 01:57:11,237
Oh, that wasn't a heckle.
2689
01:57:11,316 --> 01:57:12,738
I just kind of whoo-hoo'd for you.
2690
01:57:12,817 --> 01:57:14,660
Well, see,
that's a common misconception.
2691
01:57:14,736 --> 01:57:16,238
Heckling doesn't have
to be negative.
2692
01:57:16,404 --> 01:57:19,248
So if I was like, "Oh, my God,
you're amazing in bed!"
2693
01:57:19,324 --> 01:57:21,044
- That would be a...
- [ Audience laughing ]
2694
01:57:21,076 --> 01:57:22,168
Heckle?
2695
01:57:22,244 --> 01:57:24,588
Yeah, and now you're getting
more laughs than me,
2696
01:57:24,663 --> 01:57:25,710
and I don't like that.
2697
01:57:25,789 --> 01:57:27,257
Do you want to come up, do my job?
2698
01:57:27,499 --> 01:57:28,341
Let's talk about...
2699
01:57:28,416 --> 01:57:29,963
So, are you
from out of town, ma'am?
2700
01:57:30,377 --> 01:57:33,051
- Chicago.
- Ooh, Windy City.
2701
01:57:33,672 --> 01:57:35,549
And what brings you to New York?
2702
01:57:36,258 --> 01:57:39,102
- Here to see someone.
- And, um...
2703
01:57:39,344 --> 01:57:41,517
Have you seen him?
Or her? I mean, I don't...
2704
01:57:41,596 --> 01:57:43,815
I don't know
what your deal is, but...
2705
01:57:43,890 --> 01:57:45,437
Yeah, I've seen him.
2706
01:57:45,517 --> 01:57:49,067
[ "My Love" by The Bird
and the Bee playing ]