1 00:01:27,413 --> 00:01:29,747 Bull's-eye, yeah. 2 00:01:32,167 --> 00:01:34,669 - Here, have a swig, man. - No, it's okay. Thanks. 3 00:01:34,753 --> 00:01:37,171 Come on, it's just beer, you pussy, have a drink. 4 00:01:37,256 --> 00:01:38,798 All right, fine. 5 00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:47,056 - I love beer. - Yeah, I can tell. 6 00:01:48,892 --> 00:01:52,604 I thought I told you to ditch all this monster movie crap. 7 00:01:52,688 --> 00:01:55,648 - What's wrong with it? - Jesus, Jeff. 8 00:01:55,733 --> 00:01:57,233 When are you gonna grow up? 9 00:01:57,318 --> 00:01:58,568 Getting you laid is hard enough 10 00:01:58,652 --> 00:02:02,405 without having to explain the whole Bruce Campbell factor. 11 00:02:02,489 --> 00:02:04,991 What's wrong with Bruce Campbell? 12 00:02:05,993 --> 00:02:07,952 Death of the Dead? 13 00:02:08,078 --> 00:02:09,454 Maniac Cop? 14 00:02:10,914 --> 00:02:12,624 Moonwarp? 15 00:02:16,879 --> 00:02:20,423 Bruce Campbell is the greatest actor of his generation! 16 00:02:20,507 --> 00:02:22,634 Man with the Screaming Brain. 17 00:02:22,718 --> 00:02:23,885 Alien Apocalypse. 18 00:02:23,969 --> 00:02:26,596 Oh, here's a good one, Cave Alien. 19 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:28,139 That is a good one! 20 00:02:28,223 --> 00:02:30,642 Yeah, "Bruce Campbell is Lieutenant Jack Stryker, 21 00:02:30,726 --> 00:02:35,063 "a rogue clone warrior and mankind's last hope against the deadly cave aliens." 22 00:02:35,147 --> 00:02:36,856 Yeah. So? 23 00:02:36,940 --> 00:02:40,735 Dude, forget thumbs, Ebert wouldn't wipe his crack with this trash. 24 00:02:40,819 --> 00:02:41,944 Get out of the car. 25 00:02:42,029 --> 00:02:44,656 - What? - You don't like Bruce, you walk! 26 00:02:44,657 --> 00:02:46,574 Hey, take it easy, man. 27 00:02:47,534 --> 00:02:50,370 Besides, I kind of liked Bubba Ho-tep. 28 00:02:50,454 --> 00:02:52,872 Everyone liked Bubba Ho-tep! 29 00:02:52,956 --> 00:02:54,332 Calm down. 30 00:02:56,794 --> 00:02:58,920 Okay. All right, fine. 31 00:03:00,297 --> 00:03:03,841 - Now, can we please go get laid? - All right. 32 00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:37,959 Holy shit. 33 00:03:42,923 --> 00:03:44,424 Boo! 34 00:03:44,508 --> 00:03:48,428 - Dick! - Dude, just fucking with you. Come on. 35 00:03:48,429 --> 00:03:50,221 What the hell? 36 00:04:11,744 --> 00:04:14,370 You scream like a girl. 37 00:04:14,455 --> 00:04:16,456 Jeff, Little Debbie. 38 00:04:16,582 --> 00:04:17,707 Hey. 39 00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:20,460 Clayton, Big Debbie. 40 00:04:20,544 --> 00:04:22,754 - Hey. - Hey. 41 00:04:22,755 --> 00:04:26,090 Come on, let's go check out this creepy graveyard. 42 00:04:27,426 --> 00:04:30,219 When I told the mascara queen about this old graveyard, 43 00:04:30,345 --> 00:04:33,139 - she practically dry humped me on the spot. - Yeah. 44 00:04:33,223 --> 00:04:36,559 - She's sort of cute. - Yeah. Don't worry, hard on. 45 00:04:36,643 --> 00:04:38,019 Morticia's all yours. 46 00:04:38,103 --> 00:04:42,064 I'm gonna go practice my human fly on little Miss Skyscraper over there. 47 00:04:51,867 --> 00:04:53,826 - Hey. - Hi. 48 00:04:53,911 --> 00:04:57,538 They look ancient, historic. 49 00:04:57,623 --> 00:05:02,084 Yeah, these graves have been around since the cave-in of... 50 00:05:02,169 --> 00:05:03,878 A long time ago. 51 00:05:03,962 --> 00:05:06,631 Must have meant a lot to these people. 52 00:05:08,133 --> 00:05:10,092 Let's break something. 53 00:05:11,887 --> 00:05:13,846 As long as it's not my heart. 54 00:05:13,931 --> 00:05:15,890 What do you say? Give me some sugar, baby. 55 00:05:15,974 --> 00:05:17,934 - What? - Hey, look. 56 00:05:18,811 --> 00:05:21,354 We can play the hard to get all night, 57 00:05:21,438 --> 00:05:26,108 but if this game's called eye-tag, your lips say I'm it. 58 00:05:32,324 --> 00:05:33,908 Your loss, baby. 59 00:05:35,077 --> 00:05:36,285 Your loss. 60 00:05:41,333 --> 00:05:45,461 So, why haven't I seen you around school? 61 00:05:45,546 --> 00:05:48,172 - That's 'cause I'm never there. - Cool. 62 00:05:49,299 --> 00:05:52,468 - You seeing anybody? - No. 63 00:05:52,469 --> 00:05:53,553 Cool. 64 00:06:28,463 --> 00:06:29,672 Groovy. 65 00:06:36,263 --> 00:06:37,763 Christ! Shit! 66 00:06:44,396 --> 00:06:46,397 Run! Get the hell out of here! 67 00:06:47,482 --> 00:06:48,608 Freak. 68 00:06:59,620 --> 00:07:01,871 Shit, Clayton, run! 69 00:07:01,955 --> 00:07:03,789 Yeah, right, Romeo. 70 00:07:15,510 --> 00:07:16,594 Shit! 71 00:07:19,723 --> 00:07:23,434 - What's up with that fucking lightning? - That's heat lightning, baby. 72 00:07:36,406 --> 00:07:39,408 - Jeff, don't leave me! - Come on, Clayton, run! 73 00:07:40,953 --> 00:07:43,579 Jeff! Jeff, don't leave me, man! 74 00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:45,122 Come on, man! 75 00:07:45,207 --> 00:07:47,208 Don't fucking leave me! 76 00:07:50,796 --> 00:07:53,464 No! No! 77 00:07:54,967 --> 00:07:56,092 Shit! 78 00:08:05,268 --> 00:08:08,813 What did I do? 79 00:08:15,362 --> 00:08:17,196 Hold it right there. 80 00:08:18,907 --> 00:08:22,868 What's wrong with you, Stryker? We've got the cave alien cornered. 81 00:08:22,995 --> 00:08:25,955 Okay, so transmit the scans up to Delta Baker, 82 00:08:26,039 --> 00:08:28,582 plant some bio blasters and send out for Chinese. 83 00:08:28,667 --> 00:08:31,585 - Colonel Parker's still trapped down there. - Cry me a river, toots. 84 00:08:31,670 --> 00:08:35,506 Last time I ran into Colonel Parker, he had me in front of a firing squad! 85 00:08:36,883 --> 00:08:38,134 Coward! 86 00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:40,886 I should have left you on Regula Nine. 87 00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:44,640 You know you couldn't do that, baby. 88 00:08:44,725 --> 00:08:47,059 Yeah. That's right. 89 00:08:47,144 --> 00:08:51,647 You knew they built me out of your old man's DNA, don't you? 90 00:08:51,732 --> 00:08:55,401 So I say we keep in the family and start swapping some spit, ASAP. 91 00:08:55,402 --> 00:08:57,862 - You're disgusting. - I'm a man. 92 00:08:57,946 --> 00:09:01,532 And I've wanted to do this ever since we landed on this rock. 93 00:09:16,048 --> 00:09:18,090 Damn it! We're surrounded! 94 00:09:18,925 --> 00:09:20,801 Behind you! Look out! 95 00:09:20,886 --> 00:09:22,303 Get down! 96 00:09:24,639 --> 00:09:27,725 Watch out, watch out! Take him out! Take him out! 97 00:09:29,269 --> 00:09:31,103 Can't you die? 98 00:09:40,947 --> 00:09:42,490 Cut! Cut! 99 00:09:42,574 --> 00:09:43,741 Cut! 100 00:09:51,750 --> 00:09:54,919 - Dude, light me, don't fight me. - Hey, bite me. 101 00:09:58,006 --> 00:09:59,590 Bruce, that was sweet. 102 00:09:59,591 --> 00:10:02,009 Don't you think it was just, I don't know, a little over the top? 103 00:10:02,094 --> 00:10:04,804 No, no, no. It was very Caligula meets The Apple Dumpling Gang. 104 00:10:04,888 --> 00:10:06,097 That's not an answer. 105 00:10:06,181 --> 00:10:09,183 It was perfect for Cave Alien 2. Moving on! 106 00:10:12,145 --> 00:10:15,731 Hey, Tiny, fetch me another lemon water, will you? 107 00:10:15,816 --> 00:10:18,818 - They just ran out, man. - Well, then, dude, you run out, capiche? 108 00:10:18,902 --> 00:10:20,611 Come on, now. 109 00:10:24,991 --> 00:10:26,826 Nice job, baby. 110 00:10:26,952 --> 00:10:29,120 I'll tell you, what a relief, on these down-and-dirty shows, 111 00:10:29,204 --> 00:10:30,412 to be working with a pro. 112 00:10:30,497 --> 00:10:32,123 I wouldn't know. 113 00:10:36,002 --> 00:10:37,211 Good. 114 00:10:37,295 --> 00:10:41,257 God damn it. "Get me some lemon water. Give me some sugar, baby." 115 00:10:43,969 --> 00:10:45,219 Perfect. 116 00:10:46,805 --> 00:10:48,973 Get a load of this, bitch. 117 00:10:50,433 --> 00:10:53,769 Hey, I know this bar off Cahuenga where the drinks are cheap, 118 00:10:53,854 --> 00:10:55,938 and, well, I'll be there. 119 00:10:58,400 --> 00:10:59,859 Hello? 120 00:10:59,943 --> 00:11:02,236 Oh, hello. 121 00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:04,530 No, you're not interrupting anything. 122 00:11:04,614 --> 00:11:06,323 At least think it over. 123 00:11:06,408 --> 00:11:08,993 Mr. Campbell, that refreshing lemon water you asked for, sir. 124 00:11:09,077 --> 00:11:10,828 Thanks. 125 00:11:10,954 --> 00:11:11,996 Hey. 126 00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:16,125 - This is warm. - Sir, I'm sorry. 127 00:11:16,209 --> 00:11:19,253 I'll make sure you get an ice-cold case of it in your trailer by the morning. 128 00:11:19,337 --> 00:11:20,671 All right. 129 00:11:21,173 --> 00:11:23,174 You're lucky. See to it. 130 00:11:25,260 --> 00:11:27,219 Man, that's good. 131 00:11:32,684 --> 00:11:33,726 Boo. 132 00:11:33,810 --> 00:11:35,186 You're on. 133 00:11:40,025 --> 00:11:42,943 Hey, guys, how you doing? Here you go. One for you. One for you. 134 00:11:43,028 --> 00:11:44,486 - Mr. Campbell? Mr. Campbell? - Yeah. 135 00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:47,198 When you were in Army of Darkness, when you were stuck down in the pit, 136 00:11:47,282 --> 00:11:48,490 how did you get your shotgun back? 137 00:11:48,575 --> 00:11:49,992 Talk to the writer, man, I don't know. 138 00:11:50,076 --> 00:11:51,785 Hey, when you worked with Ellen, did it turn you gay? 139 00:11:51,870 --> 00:11:53,370 No, but your stupid question did. 140 00:11:53,455 --> 00:11:55,039 Why did you do Serving Sara? 141 00:11:55,081 --> 00:12:00,336 Why did I do Serving Sara? For the money, mouth breather, why else? 142 00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:03,214 For the love of God, what is that stench? 143 00:12:04,382 --> 00:12:07,927 Here, it's called deodorant. Look it up on your Internets. 144 00:12:08,053 --> 00:12:10,596 See you, boys. Late for a soir�e. 145 00:12:10,722 --> 00:12:12,723 - Hey, Mr. Campbell? - Yeah. 146 00:12:12,807 --> 00:12:14,725 Give me your autograph. 147 00:12:16,937 --> 00:12:19,563 - Got a pen? - Why, you ain't got no pen? 148 00:12:23,151 --> 00:12:25,236 - What's your name? - Gerard. 149 00:12:26,154 --> 00:12:27,279 Okay. 150 00:12:28,573 --> 00:12:29,907 Here you go, Gerard. Have a good one, buddy. 151 00:12:30,033 --> 00:12:33,244 Yeah, hey, hey, hey. That's Gerard with a "G." 152 00:12:38,750 --> 00:12:40,209 Here you go, Gerard. Have a good one, buddy. 153 00:12:40,293 --> 00:12:45,464 Yeah, hey, Mr. Campbell, come on. You got a more recent picture than this? 154 00:12:45,548 --> 00:12:46,840 Let me ask you something. 155 00:12:46,925 --> 00:12:48,509 - Ever see Rawhide? - Yeah. 156 00:12:48,593 --> 00:12:49,927 - You like it? - Yeah. 157 00:12:50,053 --> 00:12:53,264 Well, then you know you gotta keep them doggies rolling. 158 00:12:54,891 --> 00:12:56,100 Freak. 159 00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:23,627 Nice rack. 160 00:13:25,964 --> 00:13:27,339 All right! 161 00:13:29,467 --> 00:13:31,093 Yeah, baby! 162 00:13:33,805 --> 00:13:37,224 Yo, baby cakes, how about a bourbon with a loaded revolver back? 163 00:13:37,309 --> 00:13:39,810 How about you wait your turn, jerk? 164 00:13:42,230 --> 00:13:45,774 There's more where that came from. Okay. All right. That's it. 165 00:13:46,318 --> 00:13:47,776 Good girl. 166 00:13:51,156 --> 00:13:54,366 You. You, give me some sugar, baby. You. 167 00:13:55,618 --> 00:13:56,827 Okay. 168 00:13:58,663 --> 00:14:01,290 - How you doing? - Good. Good. 169 00:14:01,374 --> 00:14:02,833 - Hey, good news. - Yeah? 170 00:14:02,959 --> 00:14:05,210 Yeah, I made the trades today. 171 00:14:05,337 --> 00:14:06,837 - Really? - Yeah, check the obituaries. 172 00:14:06,963 --> 00:14:09,298 You'll find my career there. 173 00:14:09,382 --> 00:14:11,925 You know, Bruce, I just talked to the studio. 174 00:14:12,010 --> 00:14:15,763 They saw the dailies for Cave Alien 2. They said you have never been better. 175 00:14:15,847 --> 00:14:18,307 Yeah, that's because unlike most action stars, 176 00:14:18,391 --> 00:14:21,352 I can speak... What's the word? English. 177 00:14:21,436 --> 00:14:23,562 - Will that be cash? - Oh, yeah, that'll be cash, all right. 178 00:14:23,646 --> 00:14:26,482 My friend and agent, Mr. Mills Toddner, here will take care of that. 179 00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:29,109 That's perfect. You keep the change. Don't be a stranger. 180 00:14:29,194 --> 00:14:31,945 - Sure, it's a special occasion. - Yeah, it's a special occasion. 181 00:14:32,030 --> 00:14:34,365 It's the night I fire your polyester ass. 182 00:14:34,449 --> 00:14:37,534 Bruce, I'm sensing a little hostility coming this way. 183 00:14:37,619 --> 00:14:39,411 Yeah? You think so? Maybe that's because I've spent 184 00:14:39,496 --> 00:14:43,874 the last six days of my life making a sequel to one of the crappiest movies ever. 185 00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:46,335 - You make lots of crappy movies. - Oh, that doesn't help. 186 00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:48,087 Liquor! Liquor, please! 187 00:14:48,213 --> 00:14:51,298 Look, the customer reviews on Amazon were great. 188 00:14:51,383 --> 00:14:54,093 Yeah, the ones you posted. 189 00:14:54,219 --> 00:14:57,888 BC, I sense that you wanna unload. 190 00:14:58,014 --> 00:15:01,558 I sense that you have a lot on your mind. 191 00:15:01,643 --> 00:15:04,311 So, I'm here. Give it to me. 192 00:15:05,647 --> 00:15:09,316 - It's just that I think that... - Excuse me. Gotta take this. 193 00:15:21,621 --> 00:15:23,247 Go on. I'm sorry. 194 00:15:24,416 --> 00:15:28,460 It's just that I think I'm losing my muse. Do you know what I mean? 195 00:15:28,545 --> 00:15:32,923 The childlike, innocent quality that all great artists tap to create. 196 00:15:33,007 --> 00:15:37,678 Now, if an actor's life is like a painting, then it's a work in progress. 197 00:15:37,762 --> 00:15:42,141 But how can I create my great masterpiece if my paint is drying up, 198 00:15:42,267 --> 00:15:43,434 my canvas is cracked 199 00:15:43,518 --> 00:15:46,812 and all my brushes are covered with a fake monster blood? 200 00:15:46,938 --> 00:15:48,230 - It's Cheryl, isn't it? - No. 201 00:15:48,314 --> 00:15:49,523 - It's Cheryl. - I said no. 202 00:15:49,607 --> 00:15:51,567 - You can't stop thinking about her. - lf I say no three times, 203 00:15:51,651 --> 00:15:52,943 will the Candyman come out? 204 00:15:53,027 --> 00:15:55,446 You were fired before, you're twice as fired now. 205 00:15:55,447 --> 00:15:59,074 Okay, you'll never know what I got you for your birthday. 206 00:16:00,118 --> 00:16:01,493 My birthday? 207 00:16:02,454 --> 00:16:04,329 You actually remembered my birthday? 208 00:16:04,456 --> 00:16:07,541 Compadre, hello. Loco. 209 00:16:07,625 --> 00:16:12,129 I am your agent. You are my number one client. 210 00:16:13,131 --> 00:16:16,175 - lf this is another Matthew Perry movie... - Better. 211 00:16:16,259 --> 00:16:18,218 - Give me a hint. - But you fired me so... 212 00:16:18,303 --> 00:16:20,596 God damn it, Mills! Just tell me. 213 00:16:21,639 --> 00:16:22,723 Okay. 214 00:16:22,807 --> 00:16:28,228 Let's just say this is gonna be the best birthday present you've ever had. 215 00:16:28,313 --> 00:16:29,438 - Nice. - You're crazy. 216 00:16:29,522 --> 00:16:31,106 - No, you are. - We're celebrating. 217 00:16:31,191 --> 00:16:32,858 I love you, man. How about it? 218 00:16:32,984 --> 00:16:35,527 Excuse me. I gotta take this. Sorry. 219 00:16:35,612 --> 00:16:36,778 Hello? 220 00:16:40,575 --> 00:16:42,576 Movie. Movie, movie. 221 00:16:54,506 --> 00:16:57,132 This bean curd's kind of watery and gross. 222 00:16:57,217 --> 00:16:59,218 Well, you did get the winning goal, didn't you? 223 00:16:59,302 --> 00:17:01,678 - Yeah. - Finish your bean curd. 224 00:17:01,763 --> 00:17:03,388 It's still gross. 225 00:17:08,186 --> 00:17:11,688 - What was that, Mom? - I'm not sure, Skippy. You stay here. 226 00:17:34,546 --> 00:17:37,756 Must die! 227 00:17:49,060 --> 00:17:50,269 Sorry. 228 00:18:06,578 --> 00:18:08,495 I don't know why I'm complaining. 229 00:18:08,580 --> 00:18:10,831 I'm a lucky guy. 230 00:18:10,915 --> 00:18:12,624 I've got my health. 231 00:18:14,794 --> 00:18:16,461 Jesus! 232 00:18:16,588 --> 00:18:18,422 My divorce is final. 233 00:18:18,506 --> 00:18:20,465 Lousy whore. 234 00:18:20,592 --> 00:18:24,803 And I got my loyal fans, who hated my last movie. 235 00:18:24,887 --> 00:18:27,514 Hated my last five movies. Yeah. 236 00:18:27,599 --> 00:18:31,268 Me and my wonderful, wonderful fans. 237 00:19:00,006 --> 00:19:01,965 That was easy. 238 00:19:09,515 --> 00:19:11,600 Hey, buddy. 239 00:19:11,684 --> 00:19:13,810 Hey, little Sam'nRob. 240 00:19:13,895 --> 00:19:16,229 Come here, boy. Come on. 241 00:19:17,482 --> 00:19:19,149 What's the matter? 242 00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:24,154 You thought I forgot about you, didn't you, huh? 243 00:19:24,238 --> 00:19:26,490 Time for some hooch. Come on! 244 00:19:26,574 --> 00:19:28,450 Hooch for the pooch. 245 00:19:32,955 --> 00:19:35,749 There you go. And some for Dad. 246 00:19:42,507 --> 00:19:44,466 What's on the boob tube? 247 00:19:48,846 --> 00:19:54,768 And now part nine of an ongoing, exclusive, investigative series. 248 00:19:54,852 --> 00:19:56,853 Oh, who wants to watch that horseshit? 249 00:19:56,938 --> 00:19:58,897 Next, we take a scary look 250 00:19:58,981 --> 00:20:02,818 at the life and times of B-movie horror star Bruce Campbell. 251 00:20:02,902 --> 00:20:04,736 Hey, I know that guy. 252 00:20:04,821 --> 00:20:08,115 Yeah, that's entertainment. I'll drink to that. 253 00:20:08,199 --> 00:20:11,993 Campbell, best known for his parts in the horrific Evil Dead films, 254 00:20:12,078 --> 00:20:14,871 appears to have disappeared from the entertainment scene. 255 00:20:16,958 --> 00:20:17,624 What? 256 00:20:17,709 --> 00:20:21,336 Tonight, our "Where Are They Now" reporter, Charlie Payne, 257 00:20:21,421 --> 00:20:23,046 takes an affectionate look back 258 00:20:23,172 --> 00:20:27,801 on a promising career that many feel was squandered on low-budget trash. 259 00:20:27,885 --> 00:20:29,594 You shut your face. 260 00:20:34,726 --> 00:20:37,436 They're treating me like I'm a has-been! 261 00:20:41,524 --> 00:20:44,234 Like I'm... Like I'm all washed up. 262 00:20:50,366 --> 00:20:54,244 They're trying to make me look pathetic. Yeah, they are. Not me. 263 00:20:55,580 --> 00:20:57,664 Not me! 264 00:21:11,137 --> 00:21:12,429 Oh, God. 265 00:21:18,060 --> 00:21:21,480 - Hello? - Hello, Cheryl. It's me. 266 00:21:23,566 --> 00:21:28,445 - Bruce, what now? - Oh, I was just, you know, 267 00:21:28,571 --> 00:21:31,448 celebrating the almost wrap of my latest movie. 268 00:21:31,574 --> 00:21:34,493 You know, just one more day. 269 00:21:34,619 --> 00:21:37,662 You got into the dog's bowl again, didn't you? 270 00:21:37,789 --> 00:21:39,790 Shut up, you selfish mutt! 271 00:21:41,125 --> 00:21:42,918 It's your birthday, isn't it? 272 00:21:43,002 --> 00:21:46,880 Every year, it's the same old "poor me" routine. 273 00:21:46,964 --> 00:21:50,759 Oh, come on, can't a guy get bombed and call his ex-wife at 3:00 in the morning 274 00:21:50,843 --> 00:21:53,136 without it meaning something? 275 00:21:53,262 --> 00:21:56,306 Bruce, I talked to Mills today. 276 00:21:56,307 --> 00:21:59,309 Yeah? What did old "Ten Percent" have to say? 277 00:21:59,393 --> 00:22:02,813 Oh, just that you were depressed. 278 00:22:02,897 --> 00:22:05,774 So he's planning something special for your birthday. 279 00:22:05,858 --> 00:22:08,610 Yeah? Did he say what? 280 00:22:08,694 --> 00:22:10,320 No, no. It's a surprise. 281 00:22:10,446 --> 00:22:14,908 Oh, come on, Cheryl. Tell me. Tell me, please, please, Cheryl. 282 00:22:14,992 --> 00:22:17,869 - I'm hanging up. - No, no, no, don't. Don't, baby! 283 00:22:18,830 --> 00:22:20,163 I'm sorry. 284 00:22:20,665 --> 00:22:23,500 How did things get so messed up between us? 285 00:22:24,836 --> 00:22:27,420 You slept with the dog sitter, Bruce. 286 00:22:27,505 --> 00:22:29,589 One lousy mistake. 287 00:22:29,674 --> 00:22:32,759 - All of them. - Okay, 12 lousy mistakes. 288 00:22:32,844 --> 00:22:36,930 But come on, baby. I was confused then. I'm fine now. 289 00:22:37,723 --> 00:22:39,975 God, I miss you and the kids. 290 00:22:41,102 --> 00:22:42,769 What kids? 291 00:22:42,854 --> 00:22:45,647 The ones we would have had if you'd just hung on! 292 00:22:45,731 --> 00:22:48,149 You wanna know the truth about us, Bruce? 293 00:22:48,234 --> 00:22:51,152 It wasn't the cheating, or the boozing, 294 00:22:51,237 --> 00:22:54,573 or even the endless whining that killed our marriage. 295 00:22:54,657 --> 00:22:56,283 You just couldn't commit, 296 00:22:56,367 --> 00:23:00,620 to your career, to our relationship, to much of anything. 297 00:23:00,705 --> 00:23:04,374 So, the cheating, boozing and endless whining were okay? 298 00:23:10,798 --> 00:23:13,258 - Who was that, baby? - Oh, nobody. 299 00:23:14,385 --> 00:23:19,014 Come on, Millsy, introduce me to big Jim one more time. 300 00:23:19,098 --> 00:23:21,474 I already set up the meeting. 301 00:23:24,729 --> 00:23:26,521 Let me make a call. 302 00:23:37,366 --> 00:23:40,410 What could you possibly want at 4:30 in the morning? 303 00:23:40,411 --> 00:23:43,872 - Mr. Campbell, we need your help. - I need my sleep. 304 00:23:43,956 --> 00:23:47,250 Sir, Gold Lick needs you. 305 00:23:47,376 --> 00:23:50,337 A group of teenagers unwittingly unleashed Guan-Di, 306 00:23:50,421 --> 00:23:53,340 the Chinese god of war and protector of the dead. 307 00:23:53,424 --> 00:23:56,509 And unless you help us stop him, he will kill every one of us. 308 00:23:56,594 --> 00:23:59,930 Okay, settle down. I'm gonna give you some advice, okay? 309 00:23:59,931 --> 00:24:02,891 Keep it under a-million-and-half, get one name actor, 310 00:24:02,975 --> 00:24:06,186 and if you go straight to DVD, you might break even. 311 00:24:06,270 --> 00:24:08,438 - Now, fuck off! - Mr. Campbell! 312 00:24:09,023 --> 00:24:12,734 Oh, man, I've heard some lame pitches in my day, 313 00:24:12,818 --> 00:24:14,778 but that takes the cake. 314 00:24:17,448 --> 00:24:19,741 I said get lost, you little... 315 00:24:23,955 --> 00:24:25,830 Huh. A quarter. 316 00:25:33,607 --> 00:25:35,150 What the hell? 317 00:25:36,152 --> 00:25:39,237 Hey! Hey, let me out of here! 318 00:25:39,697 --> 00:25:41,781 Mr. Campbell, are you okay? 319 00:25:41,866 --> 00:25:45,410 - Who... Who are you? - This is Jeff. 320 00:25:45,494 --> 00:25:48,747 Look, I'm sorry about the whole baseball bat thing. 321 00:25:50,041 --> 00:25:52,667 Look, I left some Twinkies back there. 322 00:25:54,712 --> 00:25:57,547 And there's a flashlight next to the spare. 323 00:25:58,507 --> 00:26:02,886 Oh, I also left an empty bottle back there, if you need to, you know... 324 00:26:04,722 --> 00:26:08,558 Look, Mr. Campbell, I know you're probably tired and sore, 325 00:26:08,559 --> 00:26:11,061 and suffering from a concussion, 326 00:26:11,145 --> 00:26:14,689 but is it true you're making a sequel to Cave Alien? 327 00:26:14,774 --> 00:26:17,734 Oh, my God. He's a fan. 328 00:26:19,111 --> 00:26:21,321 It finally happened. 329 00:26:21,405 --> 00:26:23,656 Help! Help! 330 00:26:25,076 --> 00:26:29,120 Oh, for God's sake, kid, at least go easy on the bumps! 331 00:26:29,205 --> 00:26:31,998 I'm sorry, Mr. Campbell, I'll do my best. 332 00:26:48,265 --> 00:26:51,184 - Gin. - Dang it. 333 00:26:51,268 --> 00:26:54,020 That's three in a row, Edna. 334 00:26:54,105 --> 00:26:57,023 - What was that, Hank? - I don't know. 335 00:26:57,942 --> 00:27:00,693 Sounded like something out by the barn. 336 00:27:12,164 --> 00:27:13,998 You close that door. You lock it. 337 00:27:14,125 --> 00:27:16,042 But, Hank, what if you need to come back in? 338 00:27:16,127 --> 00:27:20,130 You just close that door, and don't open it, no matter what you hear! 339 00:27:30,391 --> 00:27:32,517 Oh, Lord! Lord! 340 00:27:34,061 --> 00:27:37,272 Open the door! Open the door, Edna! 341 00:27:37,356 --> 00:27:40,066 But, Hank, you said don't open the door! 342 00:27:40,151 --> 00:27:42,527 For Christ's sake, woman, we've been married for 35 years! 343 00:27:42,653 --> 00:27:44,821 Open the goddamn door! 344 00:27:46,407 --> 00:27:48,283 Got you! 345 00:27:48,367 --> 00:27:50,785 There weren't nothing out there. I was just funning with you. 346 00:27:50,870 --> 00:27:54,956 You old fool, I can't believe you got me like that. 347 00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:57,667 You should have seen the look on your face. 348 00:28:09,680 --> 00:28:12,056 "Hey, Luigi, paint the sign." 349 00:28:12,183 --> 00:28:15,101 I tell you something, you paint the damn sign. 350 00:28:15,186 --> 00:28:16,853 But I do. 351 00:28:35,915 --> 00:28:38,208 I paint a beauty sign. 352 00:29:10,616 --> 00:29:15,912 Hip-hip hurray! Hip-hip hurray! Hip-hip hurray! 353 00:29:16,038 --> 00:29:18,331 Welcome to Gold Lick, Mr. Campbell! 354 00:29:19,250 --> 00:29:22,669 - Gold Lick? Where the fuck is Gold Lick? - Hey, easy, man. That's the mayor. 355 00:29:22,753 --> 00:29:25,046 I don't give a shit if he's the king of kiss-my-assy. 356 00:29:25,130 --> 00:29:29,759 I just spent the last six hours in a trunk and I want some answers chop-chop, and I... 357 00:29:36,725 --> 00:29:38,309 Well, hello. 358 00:29:42,356 --> 00:29:46,234 Consider yourself officially exempt from my wrath, sweet cakes. 359 00:29:46,318 --> 00:29:49,904 And if you're lucky, a little later, I'll let you play with my boom stick. 360 00:29:49,989 --> 00:29:51,531 What? 361 00:29:51,615 --> 00:29:57,161 Now, I don't imagine you get moving pictures here in this farthole, 362 00:29:57,288 --> 00:29:59,247 so let me explain something. 363 00:29:59,331 --> 00:30:01,165 What you just did, 364 00:30:01,292 --> 00:30:04,419 you just kidnapped a movie star, you got that? 365 00:30:04,503 --> 00:30:07,130 So you didn't just commit a crime against me, 366 00:30:07,214 --> 00:30:09,340 which was pretty freaking huge! 367 00:30:09,425 --> 00:30:12,385 You committed a crime against art itself. 368 00:30:12,469 --> 00:30:17,307 In fact, I was due back on the set of my latest motion picture hours ago, 369 00:30:17,391 --> 00:30:19,309 and you can bet your bottom dollar 370 00:30:19,393 --> 00:30:22,520 they're gonna be doing everything they can to get me back. 371 00:30:23,605 --> 00:30:25,606 What are we waiting for? 372 00:30:26,900 --> 00:30:30,403 A-hole Campbell didn't show up. On to plan B, my friend. 373 00:30:30,988 --> 00:30:33,573 Okay, people, big energy. Let's go! 374 00:30:33,657 --> 00:30:34,949 Action! 375 00:30:38,412 --> 00:30:40,163 That's good. 376 00:30:43,042 --> 00:30:47,003 So as much as I'd love to hang around here 377 00:30:47,004 --> 00:30:50,340 until the FBI rips you grit-eaters a new one... 378 00:30:50,424 --> 00:30:54,552 Mr. Campbell, I don't understand. Your agent said you were free. 379 00:30:54,636 --> 00:30:56,679 What does my agent have to do with any of this? 380 00:30:56,805 --> 00:31:00,975 Well, he just said not to book you on your birthday, or something like that. 381 00:31:01,060 --> 00:31:02,518 My birthday? 382 00:31:06,190 --> 00:31:07,523 My birthday. 383 00:31:11,195 --> 00:31:12,779 My birthday, that's it. 384 00:31:12,863 --> 00:31:14,864 Mills, you magnificent bastard. 385 00:31:14,948 --> 00:31:19,035 When you said there was a surprise in store, holy moley... 386 00:31:19,161 --> 00:31:21,871 That's a great tie, by the way. 387 00:31:21,997 --> 00:31:24,582 I gotta make a phone call. I'll be right back. 388 00:31:24,666 --> 00:31:27,418 Don't do anything quaint until I return. 389 00:31:36,970 --> 00:31:39,972 - Mills Toddner's office. - Yes, Mills Toddner, please. 390 00:31:40,057 --> 00:31:42,475 - Who's calling? - Bruce Campbell. 391 00:31:42,559 --> 00:31:44,685 - Who? - Bruce Campbell. 392 00:31:44,770 --> 00:31:47,688 - He's not here. Voicemail okay? - Yeah, voicemail is fine. 393 00:31:47,773 --> 00:31:51,067 - Mills, thrill me. - Mills, listen, Campbell here. 394 00:31:51,193 --> 00:31:52,527 I gotta tell you, pal, 395 00:31:52,611 --> 00:31:53,903 this is, without a doubt, 396 00:31:54,029 --> 00:31:56,364 the most outrageous birthday present I've ever gotten. 397 00:31:56,448 --> 00:31:58,074 So thanks, man. 398 00:31:58,075 --> 00:32:02,328 You're beautiful, and that whole firing thing, what are you, crazy? It's a joke, come on. 399 00:32:05,541 --> 00:32:08,167 Now, I know you guys probably can't break character, 400 00:32:08,252 --> 00:32:10,002 but I gotta tell you, 401 00:32:10,087 --> 00:32:13,172 man, you really had me going. You really did. 402 00:32:13,257 --> 00:32:15,508 - I don't understand. - Well, for a minute there, 403 00:32:15,592 --> 00:32:17,718 I thought I was in the sequel of Deliverance, you know, 404 00:32:17,803 --> 00:32:21,055 and someone was about to say, "Squeal like a pig, boy." 405 00:32:22,933 --> 00:32:25,935 Yes, there's no reason beating around the bush, 406 00:32:26,019 --> 00:32:28,438 and I realize this is rather unorthodox but... 407 00:32:28,439 --> 00:32:31,816 Say no more, Mr. Mayor. My hero senses are tingling. 408 00:32:34,445 --> 00:32:37,405 I sense that the town of Gold Lick is in trouble. 409 00:32:37,489 --> 00:32:40,741 Huh? Big trouble and you need my help. 410 00:32:42,161 --> 00:32:44,370 Do you? You need my help, Mr. Mayor? 411 00:32:44,455 --> 00:32:45,621 - Yes or no? - That's exactly right. 412 00:32:45,706 --> 00:32:47,874 How about that? Put the words right in your mouth, didn't I? 413 00:32:47,958 --> 00:32:50,460 But not just any help, huh? 414 00:32:50,544 --> 00:32:52,753 You need someone special, 415 00:32:52,838 --> 00:32:55,339 someone who can take on a heinous monster 416 00:32:55,466 --> 00:32:59,177 and stop him in his tracks and take him to justice. 417 00:32:59,303 --> 00:33:02,263 That would be me. Whoa! 418 00:33:02,347 --> 00:33:05,475 Mr. Mayor, your worries are over 419 00:33:05,559 --> 00:33:09,270 'cause there's a new sheriff in town and he's gonna clean up this mess. 420 00:33:09,354 --> 00:33:12,815 Gold Lick, it's a good day. I'm here to help! 421 00:33:12,941 --> 00:33:14,901 Let's hear it for Mr. Bruce Campbell. 422 00:33:14,985 --> 00:33:19,989 Hip-hip hurray! Hip-hip hurray! Hip-hip hurray! 423 00:33:20,073 --> 00:33:23,284 Now, it's just another day in the life of a hero. 424 00:33:23,619 --> 00:33:26,829 Mr. Mayor, tell us what's next. 425 00:33:26,955 --> 00:33:30,500 We'd like to show you exactly what you're up against. 426 00:34:00,030 --> 00:34:05,535 Leather, red leather, yellow leather, red, yellow, red leather, yellow leather. 427 00:34:09,373 --> 00:34:11,666 - My foot! - Pardon me there, Gomer Pyle. 428 00:34:11,750 --> 00:34:14,544 - Jesus! - Oh, excuse me, Goober. 429 00:34:16,421 --> 00:34:18,673 Boy, this is exciting, huh? 430 00:34:18,757 --> 00:34:21,384 - Think they'll give me the key to the city? - I doubt it. 431 00:34:21,468 --> 00:34:23,219 How about the key to your place? 432 00:34:23,345 --> 00:34:26,430 I'm sorry, we haven't met. I'm Kelly Graham. 433 00:34:26,557 --> 00:34:30,560 Graham? Well, I'll bet all the boys go cracker over you. 434 00:34:31,144 --> 00:34:33,646 That was funny when I was six. 435 00:34:33,730 --> 00:34:38,192 Well, I was six once. Hey, we already have something in common. 436 00:34:38,277 --> 00:34:42,446 Oh, heck. I'm... I'm Bruce. Bruce Campbell. 437 00:34:42,573 --> 00:34:46,617 Yes, I'm well aware of that. Jeff's been bragging about you for years. 438 00:34:47,703 --> 00:34:50,913 - Uber fan's connected to you, huh? - I'm afraid so. 439 00:34:51,582 --> 00:34:54,959 - Younger brother? - Son. 440 00:34:55,085 --> 00:34:58,963 - Young mother. - It's a country thing. 441 00:34:59,047 --> 00:35:01,090 Oh, hey, a MILF is a MILF. 442 00:35:03,176 --> 00:35:05,177 But I don't see a wedding ring. 443 00:35:05,262 --> 00:35:07,471 Are you married or happy, Kelly Graham? 444 00:35:07,598 --> 00:35:10,433 I'm not sure I'm comfortable answering that. 445 00:35:11,059 --> 00:35:12,893 Mr. Campbell, if you're ready. 446 00:35:12,978 --> 00:35:16,439 Yeah, knock yourself out, chief. Showtime, huh? 447 00:35:16,440 --> 00:35:19,233 Mr. Treppin, let's start the slide show. 448 00:35:22,779 --> 00:35:26,866 As we all know, Gold Lick is a mining community. 449 00:35:30,120 --> 00:35:31,621 In the late 1850s, 450 00:35:31,663 --> 00:35:36,292 hundreds of Chinese immigrants came to our shores to help work the claims. 451 00:35:41,548 --> 00:35:44,216 At her height, the Triple-T mine 452 00:35:44,301 --> 00:35:47,136 employed hundreds of Chinese immigrant laborers. 453 00:35:47,220 --> 00:35:50,473 They worked long hours, in primitive conditions, 454 00:35:50,474 --> 00:35:53,351 surviving on rice and bean curd. 455 00:36:11,828 --> 00:36:13,245 Then disaster struck. 456 00:36:14,331 --> 00:36:15,456 You want disaster? 457 00:36:15,540 --> 00:36:17,541 Anyone here seen Assault on Dome 4? 458 00:36:17,668 --> 00:36:19,710 - That's probably my favorite movie... - Don't answer that. 459 00:36:19,795 --> 00:36:21,587 A mine shaft cave-in. 460 00:36:22,255 --> 00:36:27,510 Over a hundred Chinese were buried alive and remain there today. 461 00:36:28,512 --> 00:36:31,889 Gold Lick has never been the same since. 462 00:36:33,350 --> 00:36:35,768 That guy's pretty good. Did he come from dinner theater? 463 00:36:35,852 --> 00:36:37,353 No, Iowa. 464 00:36:38,689 --> 00:36:41,649 You know, they go to all that trouble to kidnap somebody, 465 00:36:41,733 --> 00:36:45,403 I'd have kidnapped that Jake character from Evil Dead II. 466 00:36:45,404 --> 00:36:47,822 My money'd bet on that blacksmith from Army of Darkness. 467 00:36:47,906 --> 00:36:50,616 - Now, that's one stud. - Damn straight. 468 00:36:53,412 --> 00:36:55,371 I wish I could quit you. 469 00:36:55,997 --> 00:36:59,417 Soon after, rumors began to spread of a curse. 470 00:37:01,586 --> 00:37:04,797 Okay. When did my ex-wife start modeling? 471 00:37:04,881 --> 00:37:06,716 Mom, that's it. That's the thing. 472 00:37:06,717 --> 00:37:10,136 Legend has it that a Chinese demon was summoned 473 00:37:10,220 --> 00:37:13,431 to protect the spirits of all those who had died. 474 00:37:16,768 --> 00:37:17,852 Mom. 475 00:37:23,608 --> 00:37:25,234 A warning. 476 00:37:25,736 --> 00:37:28,529 He who would confront Guan-Di, 477 00:37:29,406 --> 00:37:33,117 would also confront death itself. 478 00:37:34,035 --> 00:37:37,329 - Well, hello, Mr. Plaitpoint. - His name is Wing. 479 00:37:37,414 --> 00:37:41,417 He's one of the last surviving descendents of the dead laborers. 480 00:37:41,418 --> 00:37:45,421 Guan-Di has been unleashed from his grave. 481 00:37:46,214 --> 00:37:49,091 I'm sorry, was that "unreashed"? 482 00:37:49,217 --> 00:37:50,926 Unleashed, unleashed. 483 00:37:51,011 --> 00:37:53,846 What's the matter? Don't you speak English? 484 00:37:53,930 --> 00:37:58,601 Guan-Di, great warrior. Guan-Di, protector of dead, 485 00:37:58,685 --> 00:38:03,606 savior of the innocent and the bean curd. 486 00:38:04,483 --> 00:38:06,275 Bean curd? What... 487 00:38:07,778 --> 00:38:10,404 Bean curd's a popular Chinese dish. You... 488 00:38:10,489 --> 00:38:13,407 You chatter like monkey. 489 00:38:13,492 --> 00:38:16,452 I call you Chattering Monkey. 490 00:38:22,793 --> 00:38:25,002 His grave has been disturbed. 491 00:38:25,629 --> 00:38:28,631 And Guan-Di will not stop until every last relative 492 00:38:28,715 --> 00:38:32,927 of the one who did this lay rotting in the earth. 493 00:38:33,011 --> 00:38:36,430 Well, hell, what could be so bad about that? 494 00:38:36,515 --> 00:38:39,308 Okay, blood relatives, raise your hand. 495 00:38:40,852 --> 00:38:44,021 Guan-Di knows that you and I are not related, right? 496 00:38:44,898 --> 00:38:47,608 I shall do an ancient Chinese dance, 497 00:38:47,692 --> 00:38:51,278 which will rid you all of the curse of Guan-Di. 498 00:39:01,289 --> 00:39:03,749 Has he been dispelled? No? 499 00:39:03,834 --> 00:39:06,210 Okay, you're all going to die. 500 00:39:06,294 --> 00:39:08,212 But know this, 501 00:39:08,338 --> 00:39:12,216 Guan-Di grows stronger with every person he kills, 502 00:39:12,342 --> 00:39:16,887 until all of you will die! 503 00:39:21,893 --> 00:39:24,353 Will die! 504 00:39:30,777 --> 00:39:32,361 He's gone! 505 00:39:33,905 --> 00:39:36,448 No, no. Actually, he's... He's right... 506 00:39:38,118 --> 00:39:42,162 Well, folks, it looks like the presentation is over. 507 00:39:42,247 --> 00:39:47,209 Just be careful on your way home, and look out for your neighbors. 508 00:39:49,129 --> 00:39:51,005 Boy, that was exciting. 509 00:39:53,758 --> 00:39:57,720 As you can see, Mr. Campbell, the future of Gold Lick rests in your hands. 510 00:39:57,721 --> 00:39:59,555 We sure appreciate you being here. 511 00:39:59,681 --> 00:40:02,391 We were thinking you might want to freshen up and get a bite to eat 512 00:40:02,392 --> 00:40:03,851 before you lead us into battle. 513 00:40:03,935 --> 00:40:05,686 Mr. Mayor, that's a good idea. 514 00:40:05,770 --> 00:40:09,481 'Cause I always freshen up before I go into battle and kill monsters. 515 00:40:09,566 --> 00:40:13,611 - You don't want to leave a bad impression. - Lordy, you're good people. 516 00:40:16,615 --> 00:40:19,617 You're welcome to wash up at my tavern. 517 00:40:19,701 --> 00:40:23,037 Well, that's good 'cause, as you can see, I'm a dirty little boy. 518 00:40:23,121 --> 00:40:25,873 Oh, oh, yeah, and I've got a nice little place upstairs. 519 00:40:25,957 --> 00:40:28,542 You can wait there until dinner and no one will hassle you or anything. 520 00:40:28,627 --> 00:40:31,545 Well, Jeff, if you insist. 521 00:41:21,012 --> 00:41:23,722 I'd say the only thing missing is the stool sample. 522 00:41:23,807 --> 00:41:27,267 - Yeah, I guess I am kind of a fan. - Yeah, do you think? 523 00:41:30,647 --> 00:41:33,983 - That's not familiar. - Hey, hey. That's personal. 524 00:41:34,067 --> 00:41:37,820 Look, Mr. Campbell, I fixed you up a room back here. 525 00:41:37,904 --> 00:41:41,365 I gave you some fresh towels and clothes and... 526 00:41:41,449 --> 00:41:44,368 Look, I know this is a big imposition for you so 527 00:41:44,452 --> 00:41:48,205 whatever I can do to make feel you at home, just let me know, okay? 528 00:41:50,458 --> 00:41:54,920 First of all, kid, Mr. Campbell makes soup. My name is Bruce. 529 00:41:55,005 --> 00:41:56,755 Secondly, you wanna get on my good side, 530 00:41:56,840 --> 00:41:59,925 you'll dig up a bar of soap and a bottle of Jack, 531 00:42:00,010 --> 00:42:01,510 and not in that order. 532 00:42:03,680 --> 00:42:06,682 Nothing like a shower to wash the blues away. 533 00:42:10,687 --> 00:42:13,939 Jeff, where the heck did you find this Evil Dead shampoo? 534 00:42:15,108 --> 00:42:17,151 Bruce, that's drain cleaner. 535 00:42:18,528 --> 00:42:21,613 Maybe that would explain the burning sensation. 536 00:42:24,159 --> 00:42:25,409 What? 537 00:42:26,077 --> 00:42:29,788 Well, it's just that you're going up against Guan-Di tonight 538 00:42:29,873 --> 00:42:32,332 and you're not even scared. 539 00:42:32,417 --> 00:42:35,210 You don't know fear, kid. You never worked with Sam Raimi. 540 00:42:35,295 --> 00:42:39,631 You know, compared to most hell spawn, this Guan-Di cat's no biggie-mo. 541 00:42:39,716 --> 00:42:41,258 - Really? - Nah. 542 00:42:41,342 --> 00:42:43,010 You know, in the hero business, 543 00:42:43,094 --> 00:42:45,179 you only really have to remember two things. 544 00:42:45,305 --> 00:42:48,307 One, most monsters are just a guy in a rubber suit. 545 00:42:48,391 --> 00:42:51,435 Two, you can't fight a guy in a rubber suit on an empty stomach. 546 00:42:51,561 --> 00:42:54,730 So this particular hero needs some food and some drink. 547 00:43:07,077 --> 00:43:08,994 There's Bruce Campbell. 548 00:43:20,298 --> 00:43:23,634 - Pick your poison, Mr. Campbell. - Oh, I hardly ever touch the stuff. 549 00:43:23,718 --> 00:43:25,302 - It's on the house. - Well, in that case, 550 00:43:25,386 --> 00:43:28,097 I'll take a slow screw against the wall and make it a double. 551 00:43:28,181 --> 00:43:29,890 Maybe this is all a big joke to you, 552 00:43:29,974 --> 00:43:31,517 but Jeff's talked the whole town into thinking 553 00:43:31,601 --> 00:43:33,644 you're gonna save us from this Guan-Di. 554 00:43:33,728 --> 00:43:34,937 Yeah, and? 555 00:43:35,021 --> 00:43:37,773 And as far as I can tell, you're pretty much full of shit. 556 00:43:37,774 --> 00:43:39,733 Sounds to me like you're wandering from the script, sister. 557 00:43:39,818 --> 00:43:42,111 Didn't you read the fine print? Never piss off the hero. 558 00:43:42,195 --> 00:43:44,238 Hey, hey, Kelly's been known to speak her mind. 559 00:43:44,322 --> 00:43:47,908 Sounds to me like she needs to be recast. She adlibs too much. 560 00:43:47,992 --> 00:43:50,202 Walk with me, Mr. Campbell. Walk, walk with me. 561 00:43:50,286 --> 00:43:52,704 You know, if I wanted to take shit from a bunch of bogus actors, 562 00:43:52,789 --> 00:43:54,373 I'd go back to LA. 563 00:43:54,457 --> 00:43:57,626 - Get that out of my face. - Sure, sure, I understand, Mr. Campbell. 564 00:43:57,710 --> 00:43:59,461 But you see, Kelly's been through a rough patch. 565 00:43:59,587 --> 00:44:02,631 Her whining, cheating, boozing husband left her and Jeff in the lurch, 566 00:44:02,757 --> 00:44:04,424 and she just hasn't been herself lately. 567 00:44:04,509 --> 00:44:05,509 Go ahead and have a seat. 568 00:44:06,469 --> 00:44:08,971 We're gonna treat you so many ways, you're bound to like one. 569 00:44:09,514 --> 00:44:11,265 And we appreciate you being here. 570 00:44:11,349 --> 00:44:13,767 Yeah, you could have spelled my name right. 571 00:44:19,816 --> 00:44:22,943 Hey, Kelly, like it or not, that man is our salvation. 572 00:44:23,027 --> 00:44:25,112 Good gravy, you've got to play ball. 573 00:44:25,196 --> 00:44:27,656 He's talking like he's crazy, like none of this is real. 574 00:44:27,657 --> 00:44:31,201 You know, great warriors are often on a different plane than you and I. 575 00:44:31,286 --> 00:44:32,870 Service, please. 576 00:44:35,623 --> 00:44:37,791 Eccentricity is often the brother to greatness. 577 00:44:37,876 --> 00:44:40,419 And obnoxiousness is often the brother of a black eye. 578 00:44:40,503 --> 00:44:42,880 Oh, I admit, he is bit of an odd duck, 579 00:44:43,006 --> 00:44:46,466 but hopefully, he'll be gone lickety-split and we can get back to our normal life. 580 00:44:46,551 --> 00:44:48,010 I just hope you're right. 581 00:44:48,011 --> 00:44:50,304 Could it possibly get worse? 582 00:44:50,388 --> 00:44:52,181 May I have another sarsaparilla? 583 00:45:13,119 --> 00:45:15,495 Ding, ding. Can you fill her up, buddy? 584 00:45:21,252 --> 00:45:23,837 Oh, for crying out loud. 585 00:45:26,799 --> 00:45:29,301 Hey, sometime today would be great. 586 00:45:34,557 --> 00:45:36,892 Hey, you old ball sack, I've been honking for you. 587 00:45:36,893 --> 00:45:38,477 I want some gas. 588 00:45:44,567 --> 00:45:46,318 Oh, I got you. 589 00:45:46,402 --> 00:45:49,446 You're still upset about your little sister, Wanda. 590 00:45:49,530 --> 00:45:54,117 Well, truth is, it was late, she was lonely, 591 00:45:54,244 --> 00:45:56,411 and I was using my wrong head. 592 00:46:04,712 --> 00:46:06,088 Jesus Christ. 593 00:46:07,131 --> 00:46:08,632 Please! 594 00:46:21,980 --> 00:46:24,940 Can't a guy get something to eat around here? 595 00:46:29,279 --> 00:46:31,154 Time for some dancing. 596 00:46:37,954 --> 00:46:40,706 Ma'am, may I have this dance? 597 00:46:40,790 --> 00:46:43,250 - Do you believe in reincarnation? - Why? 598 00:46:43,334 --> 00:46:45,669 Because it's not gonna happen in this lifetime. 599 00:46:45,753 --> 00:46:49,214 Well, there's a cold wind blowing in Gold Lick tonight. 600 00:46:51,759 --> 00:46:55,220 What's the matter? Can't you take a joke, Mr. Actor Boy? 601 00:46:56,764 --> 00:46:59,182 I'd love to dance with you. 602 00:47:00,310 --> 00:47:03,312 - Do you really mean that? - Like my life depended on it. 603 00:47:13,156 --> 00:47:15,324 Now, I've gotta warn you, I'm not a very good dancer. 604 00:47:15,408 --> 00:47:17,951 Oh, I'll bet all you country girls say the same thing. 605 00:47:18,036 --> 00:47:20,162 Come on, show me some stuff. 606 00:47:22,999 --> 00:47:24,249 Hey! 607 00:47:24,334 --> 00:47:25,417 Whoa! 608 00:47:27,378 --> 00:47:28,587 Hey! 609 00:47:33,926 --> 00:47:36,928 Why, you weren't kidding. You really suck. 610 00:47:37,013 --> 00:47:39,139 Oh, well, let's see how the city boy fares. 611 00:47:39,223 --> 00:47:42,017 All right. Yeah. Round we go! 612 00:47:43,603 --> 00:47:45,854 Watch us go! 613 00:47:49,859 --> 00:47:51,485 You all right, honey? 614 00:47:51,569 --> 00:47:54,404 I've heard of break dancing, but this is ridiculous. 615 00:47:54,489 --> 00:47:56,615 Oh, I hope you're a better actor than you are a dancer. 616 00:47:56,699 --> 00:47:58,408 Obviously, I have no idea what I'm doing. 617 00:47:58,534 --> 00:48:02,037 - Maybe we should try something together. - You better lead. 618 00:48:04,665 --> 00:48:07,417 Okay, now we're getting somewhere. 619 00:48:07,502 --> 00:48:09,836 Hey, everybody, we're dancing! 620 00:48:16,219 --> 00:48:19,179 Hey, lady, 10 cents a ride, no exceptions. 621 00:48:20,515 --> 00:48:22,182 - Hey, what was that? - Nothing. 622 00:48:22,266 --> 00:48:25,769 Oh, no. Corners of your mouth turned up at the edges. 623 00:48:25,895 --> 00:48:28,021 There's an old Indian saying for that phenomena. 624 00:48:30,233 --> 00:48:34,736 That's Cherokee for "She who smiles at one she no longer continues to hate." 625 00:48:34,862 --> 00:48:36,780 Oh, shut up and dance. 626 00:48:43,287 --> 00:48:46,832 Well, I don't know about you, but I could use some fresh air. 627 00:48:46,916 --> 00:48:50,127 - Oh, me, too, and just fresh air. - Of course. 628 00:48:51,587 --> 00:48:55,424 Even after everything that's happened, God, I love this place. 629 00:48:55,508 --> 00:48:59,052 Yeah, I grew up in a town just like it. Little Place in Michigan. 630 00:48:59,137 --> 00:49:00,762 - Ever hear of it? - Michigan? 631 00:49:00,888 --> 00:49:04,474 - No, Little Place, it's just north of Flint. - Oh, sounds nice. 632 00:49:04,559 --> 00:49:06,935 I made my first movie there when I was still in high school. 633 00:49:07,019 --> 00:49:08,061 Really? 634 00:49:08,146 --> 00:49:10,439 Oh, we were young and naive, 635 00:49:10,440 --> 00:49:14,317 and we wanted to make a movie that represented our hopes and dreams. 636 00:49:14,444 --> 00:49:17,404 - What was it called? - Blade of the Skull Ripper. 637 00:49:17,488 --> 00:49:21,241 - That's when I got the acting bug. - Oh, you've come a long way since then. 638 00:49:21,325 --> 00:49:23,243 You haven't seen much of my recent stuff, I guess. 639 00:49:23,327 --> 00:49:26,163 Well, believe it or not, Jeff has shown me a couple. 640 00:49:26,289 --> 00:49:29,791 I don't know about the plots, but you're usually pretty good in them. 641 00:49:29,917 --> 00:49:33,837 - You really mean that? - I wouldn't say it if I didn't. 642 00:49:33,963 --> 00:49:36,548 Well, you're just full of surprises, aren't you, Kelly Graham? 643 00:49:36,632 --> 00:49:38,633 Well, here's one for you. 644 00:49:39,969 --> 00:49:44,890 I actually think I'm a little shy. That's why I come on so strong. 645 00:49:44,974 --> 00:49:47,767 Oh, hey, I came on kind of strong myself. 646 00:49:49,854 --> 00:49:52,105 It's not easy for me to... 647 00:49:52,523 --> 00:49:53,732 Yes? 648 00:49:55,401 --> 00:49:58,320 ...express my true feelings. 649 00:50:01,699 --> 00:50:03,783 You want to move that hand? 650 00:50:08,331 --> 00:50:13,084 - Yeah, sorry about that. - Yeah, well, I'll let it slide, this time. 651 00:50:20,301 --> 00:50:21,760 Mr. Campbell. 652 00:50:21,844 --> 00:50:25,138 Sure, Mr. Mayor, of course. Just give me five minutes. 653 00:50:25,223 --> 00:50:26,264 It's time. 654 00:50:26,349 --> 00:50:29,100 For the love of God, I can smell her ChapStick! 655 00:50:31,896 --> 00:50:34,523 I'm so gonna take a rain check. 656 00:50:34,524 --> 00:50:36,358 All right, come on. 657 00:50:42,323 --> 00:50:45,200 All right, small-town America, show me what you got. 658 00:50:45,326 --> 00:50:48,328 Well, no matter which way you wanna go, Mr. Campbell, 659 00:50:48,412 --> 00:50:50,789 - I think we got you covered. - All right. 660 00:50:50,873 --> 00:50:54,084 You might want to slip this little Beretta.22 in your pocket. 661 00:50:54,168 --> 00:50:57,379 It's for that close range, last-minute desperation stuff. 662 00:50:57,463 --> 00:50:59,339 - What's your name? - Frank. 663 00:50:59,423 --> 00:51:01,841 Frank, nice gun, for a girl. 664 00:51:01,926 --> 00:51:04,719 - You want to step it up a bit, do you? - Hello. 665 00:51:06,347 --> 00:51:09,599 This.45 long-slide "Widow Maker." 666 00:51:10,393 --> 00:51:12,310 I think it'll be just right for you. 667 00:51:12,395 --> 00:51:14,312 Close, Frank, but no cigar. 668 00:51:14,397 --> 00:51:17,190 - Well, if it's accuracy you want... - Duh. 669 00:51:18,484 --> 00:51:20,569 That's a Marlin 336. 670 00:51:20,653 --> 00:51:24,072 Shoot a pig's eye out from 1,000 yards. 671 00:51:24,073 --> 00:51:26,074 And who wouldn't wanna do that? 672 00:51:26,158 --> 00:51:28,159 Frank, you're holding out on me. Come on. 673 00:51:28,244 --> 00:51:31,079 Well, then again, if you're taking out the Chinese god of war... 674 00:51:31,080 --> 00:51:32,831 And we are. 675 00:51:32,915 --> 00:51:37,210 ...wrap your hands around this Parker 12-gauge, double-barrel beauty. 676 00:51:39,797 --> 00:51:42,424 That's for people that don't call 911. 677 00:51:43,968 --> 00:51:46,595 I think we get the idea, Frank, and thanks for that, 678 00:51:46,596 --> 00:51:49,848 but I'd be willing to wager that Mr. Campbell is more than capable of telling us 679 00:51:49,932 --> 00:51:52,684 which weapons should be used under the circumstances. 680 00:51:52,768 --> 00:51:56,313 - Of course. I'm sorry, Mr. Campbell. - That's okay. 681 00:51:56,397 --> 00:51:59,316 Go ahead, Mr. Campbell, tell us exactly what we need. 682 00:51:59,442 --> 00:52:05,363 Well, I... Don't you think Frank really said it all with the guns and everything? I... 683 00:52:05,448 --> 00:52:08,533 Of course, for personal protection, you may have never heard of this gun, 684 00:52:08,618 --> 00:52:14,456 but I always use a... permanent press. 685 00:52:15,249 --> 00:52:17,459 But I can see that you obviously don't have that gun here, 686 00:52:17,543 --> 00:52:22,047 so I'll just have to limp along with this.31 long-bow. 687 00:52:22,131 --> 00:52:23,465 .45 long-slide. 688 00:52:23,466 --> 00:52:27,469 Long-slide, like I said. So, come on, Gold Lick, get your guns. 689 00:52:27,553 --> 00:52:29,804 - Give me a big one. - Take it easy. 690 00:52:29,889 --> 00:52:31,389 One at a time. 691 00:52:31,474 --> 00:52:34,142 - Bruce, can I show you something? - Sure. 692 00:52:34,226 --> 00:52:36,770 We got you covered. All right, look at us. 693 00:52:36,854 --> 00:52:38,438 My goodness me. 694 00:52:39,440 --> 00:52:44,152 - Now we can slide off to San Francisco. - And I'm riding shotgun. 695 00:52:46,989 --> 00:52:49,532 I thought you might wanna use this. 696 00:52:54,121 --> 00:52:55,997 I had it made special. 697 00:52:56,374 --> 00:53:00,293 Briggs & Stratton two-stroke, half-inch claw. 698 00:53:00,378 --> 00:53:04,339 - What do you think? - Wow, it's really something. 699 00:53:05,925 --> 00:53:07,550 You know, Jeff, 700 00:53:08,260 --> 00:53:11,513 I've gotten a lot of use out of chainsaws over the years, 701 00:53:11,514 --> 00:53:15,558 killed a lot of zombies, saved a lot of lives. 702 00:53:16,769 --> 00:53:20,188 But at the end of the day, when push comes to shove, 703 00:53:20,314 --> 00:53:21,856 they're just too damn heavy. 704 00:53:21,941 --> 00:53:25,402 So thanks just the same, kid. See you out there. 705 00:53:27,697 --> 00:53:30,532 - Yeah. - Don't be late. 706 00:53:36,997 --> 00:53:38,540 All right. 707 00:53:38,541 --> 00:53:40,125 - You guys ready for some violence? - Yeah! 708 00:53:40,209 --> 00:53:42,210 That's right. All right. 709 00:53:43,421 --> 00:53:46,005 - Sure you're ready for this, Bruce? - Kid, I made a movie in Bulgaria. 710 00:53:46,090 --> 00:53:49,884 I'm ready for anything. Put yourself on ice, sugar lips, 711 00:53:49,969 --> 00:53:51,720 because when I come back, I'm gonna lay claim 712 00:53:51,804 --> 00:53:54,222 to the prettiest pair of green eyes I've ever seen. 713 00:53:54,306 --> 00:53:55,932 Let's do this thing! 714 00:53:56,016 --> 00:53:57,517 Be careful. 715 00:53:58,394 --> 00:54:00,520 And my eyes are brown! 716 00:54:00,604 --> 00:54:01,980 Dumb shit. 717 00:54:10,865 --> 00:54:12,866 All right, folks, listen up. 718 00:54:12,950 --> 00:54:15,118 It could get ugly out there tonight. 719 00:54:15,244 --> 00:54:16,911 Real ugly. 720 00:54:16,996 --> 00:54:20,498 So if something happens and you don't think you're gonna make it, 721 00:54:20,583 --> 00:54:21,958 just remember this, 722 00:54:22,042 --> 00:54:24,169 even though you don't have medical insurance, 723 00:54:24,253 --> 00:54:26,421 emergency rooms are mandated by federal law 724 00:54:26,422 --> 00:54:27,964 to treat critically-injured patients. 725 00:54:28,048 --> 00:54:31,426 So, technically, you got nothing to worry about. 726 00:54:31,552 --> 00:54:33,595 Aside from that, Bruce Campbell's got your back. 727 00:54:33,679 --> 00:54:35,180 - All right! - Yeah! 728 00:54:35,264 --> 00:54:38,641 Now, come on, Gold Lick, let's kick some Guan-Di butt! 729 00:54:45,649 --> 00:54:48,860 Oh, yeah. This is Henderson. I'm crossing Old Stage Road. 730 00:54:48,944 --> 00:54:50,570 No sign of the demon, over. 731 00:54:50,654 --> 00:54:53,114 Oh, my God, Henderson, he's right behind you. 732 00:54:54,283 --> 00:54:55,617 Oh, Jesus! 733 00:54:56,494 --> 00:54:59,078 - Just kidding, chief! - That ain't funny. 734 00:55:04,043 --> 00:55:06,878 Jeff, after this is over, I gotta meet your sound guy. 735 00:55:06,962 --> 00:55:08,296 We don't have a sound guy. 736 00:55:08,422 --> 00:55:10,465 All right, we're gonna try and smoke him out. 737 00:55:10,466 --> 00:55:13,218 - He's got a sword, over! - Stay your course, Chicken Little. 738 00:55:13,302 --> 00:55:14,803 Oh, he's a big sucker! 739 00:55:14,887 --> 00:55:16,971 Well, what do you expect? He's the Chinese god of war. 740 00:55:17,056 --> 00:55:20,391 Oh, no, he's spotted me. He's coming to fight! 741 00:55:20,476 --> 00:55:22,185 No! No! 742 00:55:23,687 --> 00:55:25,688 Give it a rest, Shatner. 743 00:55:33,823 --> 00:55:36,407 Bruce, do something! 744 00:55:39,870 --> 00:55:42,455 - What the fuck is that? - It's Guan-Di! 745 00:55:42,456 --> 00:55:46,292 - You mean the son-of-a-bitch is real? - Shouldn't we shoot it? 746 00:55:49,463 --> 00:55:52,799 No! No! No! 747 00:55:52,883 --> 00:55:54,676 Retreat! 748 00:55:57,680 --> 00:56:01,933 - Bruce, where are you going? - Shoot it! Shoot it! 749 00:56:09,149 --> 00:56:13,862 Daddy? 750 00:56:15,489 --> 00:56:18,950 - My ear. - Stop shooting! Stop shooting! 751 00:56:24,081 --> 00:56:25,790 Must die! 752 00:56:27,585 --> 00:56:29,377 Keys! Keys! Come on, it's the country. 753 00:56:29,461 --> 00:56:32,463 Don't you keep your fucking keys in your trucks? 754 00:56:36,719 --> 00:56:37,760 All right. 755 00:56:39,722 --> 00:56:42,181 Coil wire to the ignition. 756 00:56:42,808 --> 00:56:45,018 What could possibly go wrong? 757 00:56:47,897 --> 00:56:49,522 Oh, man! 758 00:56:49,607 --> 00:56:52,025 That always worked in the movies. 759 00:57:00,910 --> 00:57:02,869 Hey! Hey! Hey! 760 00:57:02,953 --> 00:57:04,412 Thank you. 761 00:57:05,372 --> 00:57:09,167 Give me back my bike, you old prick! And McHale's Navy sucked. 762 00:57:23,223 --> 00:57:25,600 Young man, are you all right? 763 00:57:26,435 --> 00:57:29,562 Lady, you gotta give me a ride out of here right now. 764 00:57:29,647 --> 00:57:33,358 - I'm sorry, but there's no room. - Oh, yeah, there is. 765 00:57:33,442 --> 00:57:37,737 Oh, yeah. Get out of there. Get out of there! Get out of here! 766 00:57:45,788 --> 00:57:48,623 Oh, my kitty! My kitty cat! 767 00:57:51,460 --> 00:57:53,211 Oh, you horrible man! 768 00:57:53,295 --> 00:57:55,838 And you were the worst thing about Moontrap! 769 00:57:57,841 --> 00:58:01,636 "Yeah. Come to Gold Lick. Help us fight a monster." 770 00:58:01,762 --> 00:58:04,222 What the hell were they thinking? 771 00:58:04,598 --> 00:58:07,558 Now the supernatural son-of-a-bitch is after me. 772 00:58:07,643 --> 00:58:10,687 Oh, man. I gotta blow this pop stand fast. 773 00:58:14,441 --> 00:58:17,986 I'm so screwed! Oh, that cheapskate old lady. 774 00:58:23,450 --> 00:58:25,034 Hey, guys. 775 00:58:27,246 --> 00:58:28,788 I need a car, pronto! 776 00:58:28,872 --> 00:58:32,208 Hey, ain't you that demon-fighting son-of-a-bitch? 777 00:58:32,292 --> 00:58:33,626 Yeah, I am. 778 00:58:33,711 --> 00:58:36,212 I came back 'cause I needed some garbage bags 779 00:58:36,296 --> 00:58:38,006 and shovels 'cause we killed... 780 00:58:38,090 --> 00:58:41,092 Hold that thought, guys. Nice talking to you. 781 00:58:42,511 --> 00:58:45,888 Suckers! You won't have me to kick around anymore. 782 00:58:46,015 --> 00:58:50,643 You can take this little crappy-ass town and shove it right up... 783 00:58:50,728 --> 00:58:52,812 Hey, hey. What... 784 00:58:57,026 --> 00:58:58,609 - Bruce. - Yeah? 785 00:58:58,694 --> 00:59:00,153 - Where's Jeff? - Jeff... 786 00:59:00,237 --> 00:59:02,030 What, you just left him out there? 787 00:59:02,114 --> 00:59:04,157 Well, that depends on what the definition of "out there" is. 788 00:59:04,241 --> 00:59:07,618 And you know, lady, you never told me that this monster was real! 789 00:59:07,703 --> 00:59:09,037 Shoe lace. 790 00:59:11,248 --> 00:59:13,624 - There he is! - Stop that truck! 791 00:59:19,923 --> 00:59:21,340 Mom! 792 00:59:23,218 --> 00:59:24,719 Where's Bruce? 793 00:59:25,888 --> 00:59:27,680 Stop that truck! 794 00:59:39,735 --> 00:59:42,111 He's just a damn coward. 795 00:59:45,866 --> 00:59:49,035 I've been here five years, nobody die. 796 00:59:49,119 --> 00:59:51,162 Now, everybody die. 797 00:59:58,378 --> 01:00:02,215 Nobody else better die. You're gonna have to answer to Luigi. 798 01:00:03,592 --> 01:00:05,176 Oh, shit. 799 01:00:05,260 --> 01:00:08,554 There's some crazy shit going down in this town. 800 01:00:14,770 --> 01:00:16,938 What are you gonna do with that? 801 01:01:24,965 --> 01:01:27,300 Cute little Sam'nRob. 802 01:01:28,844 --> 01:01:31,888 At least I still have you. Come here, boy. 803 01:01:31,972 --> 01:01:33,306 Come on. 804 01:01:34,558 --> 01:01:36,392 You son-of-a-bitch! 805 01:01:39,396 --> 01:01:41,606 Maybe I'll feel better after breakfast. 806 01:01:41,690 --> 01:01:44,609 It's the most important meal of the day. 807 01:01:44,693 --> 01:01:47,445 This is Bruce Campbell, actor extraordinaire. 808 01:01:47,529 --> 01:01:51,115 If you're young, female and not currently incarcerated, 809 01:01:51,200 --> 01:01:56,329 page me at star-998, otherwise, leave a message after the tone. 810 01:01:56,413 --> 01:01:57,997 Bruce, it's Cheryl. 811 01:01:58,081 --> 01:01:59,123 Cheryl? 812 01:01:59,208 --> 01:02:01,417 There's something I've been meaning to tell you, 813 01:02:01,543 --> 01:02:04,629 something that's been weighing on me ever since our divorce. 814 01:02:04,713 --> 01:02:06,172 Well, of course I forgive you! 815 01:02:06,256 --> 01:02:09,217 It's the alimony payment. It's just not cutting it. 816 01:02:11,011 --> 01:02:13,429 So my lawyer's filed a motion to have it increased, 817 01:02:13,513 --> 01:02:15,514 along with a fresh restraining order, 818 01:02:15,599 --> 01:02:19,060 so don't even try returning this call, you fuck head. 819 01:02:20,229 --> 01:02:24,899 You heartless hell-spawn! Get the fuck out of here! 820 01:02:25,901 --> 01:02:28,527 Sleep with the scorpions, bitch! 821 01:02:29,905 --> 01:02:32,240 Who does she think she is? 822 01:02:32,324 --> 01:02:37,370 Think I'm some low-budget, two-bit actor? Tell you what... 823 01:02:42,417 --> 01:02:45,253 "From the desk of Mills Toddner. 824 01:02:45,254 --> 01:02:48,464 "Pack your bags, baby. Back-to-back in Bulgaria. 825 01:02:49,591 --> 01:02:53,886 "Cave Alien 3 and 4." 826 01:02:55,389 --> 01:02:56,639 Oh, no! 827 01:02:57,557 --> 01:03:00,268 No! 828 01:03:00,352 --> 01:03:01,644 Help me! 829 01:03:08,777 --> 01:03:10,444 Hang on a second. 830 01:03:17,744 --> 01:03:19,203 What the hell do you want? I'm busy. 831 01:03:19,288 --> 01:03:22,290 Hi, I'm Kasey, the famous singing prostitute. 832 01:03:22,291 --> 01:03:25,209 I'm here to offer birthday greetings and wish you lots of luck 833 01:03:25,294 --> 01:03:27,420 And if you're really, really lucky I'll even toss in a... 834 01:03:27,504 --> 01:03:29,880 Oh, God, whoa, whoa. Who sent you? 835 01:03:31,633 --> 01:03:35,678 "From your friend and agent, Mills Toddner. Here's some birthday sugar, baby." 836 01:03:35,804 --> 01:03:38,806 That's it? That was my special gift? A woman? 837 01:03:38,890 --> 01:03:42,310 Actually, I'm only half-way through my transgender surgeries, so technically... 838 01:03:42,394 --> 01:03:45,438 Whoa, whoa, whoa! For the love of God, just stop! 839 01:03:53,947 --> 01:03:56,991 - Campbell residence. - Bruce, it's Jeff. 840 01:03:58,118 --> 01:03:59,660 You little bastard. 841 01:03:59,786 --> 01:04:01,329 You're the one who dragged me into this nightmare. 842 01:04:01,413 --> 01:04:04,707 Now, what, are you calling to chew my ass out for taking a powder? 843 01:04:04,833 --> 01:04:08,461 No, I... I just wanted to thank you. 844 01:04:08,545 --> 01:04:10,254 Thank me? For what? 845 01:04:10,339 --> 01:04:12,715 For teaching me the meaning of courage. 846 01:04:12,841 --> 01:04:16,302 - I ran like cheap mascara. - Well, that's just it. 847 01:04:16,386 --> 01:04:19,847 While I was trying to dodge my responsibilities by dumping them on you, 848 01:04:19,931 --> 01:04:23,184 you showed me I have to face this thing on my own. 849 01:04:23,935 --> 01:04:25,186 Yeah. 850 01:04:25,604 --> 01:04:29,065 I'm glad you learned the error of your ways, kid, yeah. 851 01:04:29,191 --> 01:04:32,401 I'm the one who unleashed Guan-Di. It's up to me to kill it. 852 01:04:33,195 --> 01:04:36,781 Whoa, whoa, whoa! You're gonna take on Toshiro McFuckhead solo? 853 01:04:36,865 --> 01:04:38,824 Thank you, Mr. Campbell. 854 01:04:39,868 --> 01:04:42,036 All I needed was a push. 855 01:04:44,414 --> 01:04:46,082 No, no! Kid! Kid! 856 01:04:47,042 --> 01:04:49,126 - Son-of-a... - Boyfriend troubles? 857 01:04:49,211 --> 01:04:50,378 No! 858 01:04:51,171 --> 01:04:53,881 Stupid kid's gonna get himself killed! 859 01:04:53,965 --> 01:04:56,884 What do I care? I got problems of my own. 860 01:04:58,595 --> 01:05:01,889 - Who are you? - I'm your good nature, Bruce. 861 01:05:02,015 --> 01:05:03,682 Now, you heed my warning. 862 01:05:03,767 --> 01:05:07,019 If Jeff goes up against Guan-Di all by himself, 863 01:05:07,104 --> 01:05:08,604 oh, he'll be cut to ribbons. 864 01:05:08,688 --> 01:05:11,232 You've got to help the dear boy! 865 01:05:11,316 --> 01:05:14,652 Oh, don't listen to him! Kid's an asshole! 866 01:05:14,736 --> 01:05:17,279 Fuck him! Nobody lives forever! 867 01:05:17,406 --> 01:05:20,783 How can you say such a thing? You awful devil. 868 01:05:20,909 --> 01:05:23,577 I got something for you right here, angel. 869 01:05:23,662 --> 01:05:25,996 Bruce, you've got to help Jeff. 870 01:05:26,081 --> 01:05:28,124 He's your biggest fan! 871 01:05:29,918 --> 01:05:32,878 - Get out of here, you freaks! - I'm flying! 872 01:05:33,422 --> 01:05:37,716 You, Nurse Ratched, how would you like to make �100? 873 01:05:38,260 --> 01:05:39,927 Story of my life. 874 01:05:41,096 --> 01:05:44,306 - No, no, no. I need a ride. - That's why I'm here. 875 01:05:44,433 --> 01:05:45,808 In your car. 876 01:05:47,102 --> 01:05:50,646 - Kinky. - No, I need a ride to a town called Gold Lick. 877 01:05:52,357 --> 01:05:54,442 I need to kill me a Guan-Di. 878 01:06:07,456 --> 01:06:10,374 - Keep away from him, honey. - All right. Now, stay here. 879 01:06:10,459 --> 01:06:13,169 Try not to blow anybody till I get back. 880 01:06:30,770 --> 01:06:32,104 Hey, Kelly! 881 01:06:33,356 --> 01:06:34,940 Why don't you go home? 882 01:06:35,066 --> 01:06:40,571 Go find yourself some fake Hollywood girl 'cause you and me were never real. 883 01:06:40,655 --> 01:06:42,907 Kelly, please. 884 01:06:42,991 --> 01:06:47,161 I'm not one of those shallow sex machines like all those other Hollywood types. 885 01:06:47,287 --> 01:06:49,830 Hey, mister, you still owe me �100! 886 01:06:50,290 --> 01:06:52,500 And we still have to have sex! 887 01:06:55,504 --> 01:06:58,339 Would you excuse me for just a second? 888 01:07:00,008 --> 01:07:03,135 For the love of God, just take the money and go. 889 01:07:03,220 --> 01:07:07,097 Oh, I'll take a rain check on the ex-say a little ater-lay. 890 01:07:07,182 --> 01:07:08,682 Whatever, dude. 891 01:07:12,646 --> 01:07:16,106 Kelly, look, we don't have much time... 892 01:07:16,191 --> 01:07:17,733 Hey, that's all my stuff. 893 01:07:17,817 --> 01:07:21,111 Yeah, well, Jeff asked me to purge his loft. 894 01:07:21,196 --> 01:07:22,696 It was my pleasure. 895 01:07:22,781 --> 01:07:25,658 Oh, sweet Jesus! That's a limited edition! 896 01:07:26,535 --> 01:07:29,036 Plenty more where that came from. 897 01:07:29,412 --> 01:07:32,456 Are you still here? Don't you have a bad movie to make? 898 01:07:32,541 --> 01:07:36,335 Listen, I know I let you down and I'm sorry. 899 01:07:37,212 --> 01:07:39,463 But the callow movie star who came into your life yesterday 900 01:07:39,548 --> 01:07:42,550 is not the same man who's standing here today. 901 01:07:43,677 --> 01:07:48,389 It took the faith of a teenager and the decency of a good woman to open my eyes. 902 01:07:48,390 --> 01:07:53,269 Believe me, in the last 24 hours, I've learned a lot about decency, respect, 903 01:07:54,896 --> 01:07:58,232 even... love. 904 01:07:59,651 --> 01:08:03,279 A man's isn't much of anything unless he can learn from his mistakes 905 01:08:03,363 --> 01:08:05,447 and make them right. So... 906 01:08:06,241 --> 01:08:08,576 Look, I'm here to say I'm sorry. 907 01:08:09,286 --> 01:08:12,246 But more importantly, I wanna make it right. 908 01:08:13,081 --> 01:08:16,166 So I'm not asking you for a second chance, Kelly. 909 01:08:16,251 --> 01:08:17,918 I'm begging you. 910 01:08:18,044 --> 01:08:22,881 Now, maybe it doesn't make much sense because we don't know each other but... 911 01:08:22,966 --> 01:08:24,383 I think I... 912 01:08:26,511 --> 01:08:28,762 - I think I... - Move the hand. 913 01:08:31,808 --> 01:08:33,058 Sure. 914 01:08:34,644 --> 01:08:37,813 Well, even if we're over, at least help me rescue Jeff. 915 01:08:37,897 --> 01:08:39,398 What, Jeff needs to be rescued? 916 01:08:39,482 --> 01:08:41,442 Yeah, he's going after Guan-Di. I thought you knew. 917 01:08:41,443 --> 01:08:42,985 Oh, my God! 918 01:08:43,445 --> 01:08:44,528 I... 919 01:08:51,953 --> 01:08:53,203 Hey! 920 01:08:58,627 --> 01:09:01,420 Hey! Wait! Wait! 921 01:09:18,813 --> 01:09:22,149 Okay, maybe this was a bad idea. 922 01:09:27,656 --> 01:09:30,324 Okay, this was definitely a bad idea. 923 01:09:32,952 --> 01:09:36,038 Big ass, self-obsessed movie star. 924 01:09:36,164 --> 01:09:40,459 - Haven't you ever heard of a telephone? - Look, I am not self-obsessed. 925 01:09:40,960 --> 01:09:43,545 Do you really think I have a big ass? 926 01:09:44,339 --> 01:09:47,049 Do you even know where we're going? 927 01:09:47,133 --> 01:09:50,427 Jeff's friends were killed outside an old Chinese graveyard. 928 01:09:50,512 --> 01:09:53,055 I'm guessing that's where they went. 929 01:09:55,392 --> 01:09:59,144 - Move the hand. - Okay, okay. My God. 930 01:10:08,863 --> 01:10:11,740 Jeff! 931 01:10:12,701 --> 01:10:14,368 He's not in there. 932 01:10:15,161 --> 01:10:17,705 Well, if he has any sense, he's probably hightailing it back to town. 933 01:10:17,789 --> 01:10:20,082 If he had any sense, he wouldn't have called you. 934 01:10:20,208 --> 01:10:21,375 Jeff! 935 01:10:25,839 --> 01:10:29,550 Stand back, Kel. Mr. Winchester is itching for some action. 936 01:10:32,220 --> 01:10:35,055 What? What? What am I... Oh. 937 01:10:38,601 --> 01:10:41,979 Hey, you big son-of-a-bitch, pick on somebody your own size! 938 01:10:42,063 --> 01:10:43,605 Jeff, come on! 939 01:10:45,233 --> 01:10:47,568 - You okay, baby? - Yeah. 940 01:10:47,569 --> 01:10:50,738 Yeah, I'm okay in a scared-to-death kind of way. 941 01:10:55,577 --> 01:10:57,244 Okay, here's the deal. 942 01:10:57,328 --> 01:11:00,247 I'm gonna stall the one-ton wonton, which should give you, oh, I don't know, 943 01:11:00,373 --> 01:11:02,750 maybe 30 seconds to find a way to stop him 944 01:11:02,834 --> 01:11:07,004 before he rips my head off and shoves it in my face, so better get busy. 945 01:11:07,088 --> 01:11:08,964 - Bruce. - Yes, Kelly? 946 01:11:10,049 --> 01:11:11,884 - Before you go... - Yes? 947 01:11:13,970 --> 01:11:15,637 You'll need ammo. 948 01:11:17,056 --> 01:11:18,432 I knew that. 949 01:11:19,601 --> 01:11:22,561 Okay, Jeff, you know this stuff way better than I do. 950 01:11:22,645 --> 01:11:24,646 - How do we stop it? - Okay. Okay. 951 01:11:24,773 --> 01:11:26,815 Hollywood writers have spent countless hours 952 01:11:26,900 --> 01:11:29,777 writing stories about defeating monsters. 953 01:11:29,861 --> 01:11:32,446 There's gotta be something we can use in here. 954 01:11:32,864 --> 01:11:35,157 Hey, stay where I can see you! 955 01:11:38,453 --> 01:11:40,621 Okay, doofus, here I am! 956 01:11:42,040 --> 01:11:45,793 - How we doing, team? - Okay. Bruce, I think this might work. 957 01:11:45,877 --> 01:11:48,420 Where's the nearest oceanic oil-drilling platform? 958 01:11:48,505 --> 01:11:50,714 Oh, about 1,000 miles away. 959 01:11:54,093 --> 01:11:55,469 Okay. 960 01:11:56,638 --> 01:12:00,182 Do we have any abandoned steel mills with giant vats of molten metal? 961 01:12:00,308 --> 01:12:01,809 Oh, come on. 962 01:12:05,188 --> 01:12:09,149 Okay, how about extensive mine shaft systems 963 01:12:09,275 --> 01:12:11,109 with cannibal bats underneath active volcanoes? 964 01:12:11,194 --> 01:12:12,903 You gotta be shitting me. 965 01:12:21,120 --> 01:12:23,413 "Protected for those who 966 01:12:27,544 --> 01:12:28,836 "died." 967 01:12:33,842 --> 01:12:35,425 Be patient. 968 01:12:37,679 --> 01:12:41,014 You can't bowl for shit. You should go back to Dayton. 969 01:12:42,976 --> 01:12:45,644 - Hello. - Hello. 970 01:12:46,521 --> 01:12:48,146 You here for me? 971 01:12:50,692 --> 01:12:54,528 No, this and this. Thank you. 972 01:12:59,784 --> 01:13:01,451 You tricked me! 973 01:13:02,161 --> 01:13:04,580 An island full of giant, mutated gorillas? 974 01:13:04,706 --> 01:13:06,874 Oh, wait, no, you died in that one. 975 01:13:06,958 --> 01:13:10,627 Jeff, Hollywood writers spend all day in dark rooms by themselves. 976 01:13:10,712 --> 01:13:12,713 They have no concept of reality whatsoever. 977 01:13:12,797 --> 01:13:16,717 So you'd better think of something else and pretty damn fast. 978 01:13:18,720 --> 01:13:19,928 Bruce! 979 01:13:22,724 --> 01:13:25,893 The sign. He's also the protector of bean curd. 980 01:13:30,815 --> 01:13:33,984 I'll be a horse's ass. Pardon me, big guy. 981 01:13:38,573 --> 01:13:42,492 Well, it's nice to know that tofu really is good for your health. 982 01:13:43,494 --> 01:13:45,621 - There he is. - Hey, lady! 983 01:13:45,705 --> 01:13:49,750 I'll get you. Give me back my bean curd. 984 01:13:52,253 --> 01:13:55,005 You afraid of Wing, huh? 985 01:13:58,760 --> 01:14:00,302 Wing powerful. 986 01:14:00,428 --> 01:14:04,848 More powerful than Guan-Di, who is Wing's servant 987 01:14:04,933 --> 01:14:07,517 and must listen to anything Wing say. 988 01:14:07,602 --> 01:14:08,936 Right, Guan-Di? 989 01:14:09,771 --> 01:14:11,438 Guan-Di! 990 01:14:12,607 --> 01:14:14,024 Bean curd. 991 01:14:25,870 --> 01:14:27,704 - Hey, that's gives me an idea. - What? 992 01:14:27,789 --> 01:14:29,957 Look, I know I'm throwing a real Hail Mary here, 993 01:14:30,041 --> 01:14:31,917 but have you got any dynamite in this truck? 994 01:14:32,001 --> 01:14:33,043 Of course I don't have any dynamite. 995 01:14:33,127 --> 01:14:35,879 - What kind of a freak would have dynamite... - I do. 996 01:14:39,842 --> 01:14:43,804 Bruce, I've got dynamite, wire and a plunger. 997 01:14:45,974 --> 01:14:47,766 What? I was going up against Guan-Di, Mom. 998 01:14:47,892 --> 01:14:50,852 I brought all kinds of shit. I mean, stuff. 999 01:14:50,979 --> 01:14:54,314 Good. You get the dynamite, meet me at the entrance of the mine shaft. 1000 01:14:54,440 --> 01:14:56,942 - What, you're gonna use yourself as bait? - Well, yes and no. 1001 01:14:57,026 --> 01:14:59,444 We're gonna get a little help from my friend here. 1002 01:14:59,445 --> 01:15:01,196 When Guan-Di spots my ass on his doorstep, 1003 01:15:01,280 --> 01:15:02,990 he's gonna go totally Pearl Harbor. 1004 01:15:03,074 --> 01:15:05,117 That's when we drop the mountain on his demon ass. 1005 01:15:05,201 --> 01:15:09,496 - It sounds a little risky. - You're telling me. This is our only standee. 1006 01:15:09,622 --> 01:15:10,706 All right. Now, look, 1007 01:15:10,832 --> 01:15:14,626 when hari-kari Larry takes a dirt nap, we take this sacred amulet, 1008 01:15:14,711 --> 01:15:18,714 you know, the entire reason why we're here, we put it right back where it belongs. 1009 01:15:18,798 --> 01:15:22,592 That way we can all get back to our normal, miserable lives. 1010 01:15:28,182 --> 01:15:29,850 Well, this is it. 1011 01:15:29,851 --> 01:15:33,520 I'll keep him away from the entrance until you give the signal. 1012 01:15:34,731 --> 01:15:39,359 Now, look, no matter which way this goes, I want you both to know one thing. 1013 01:15:40,278 --> 01:15:43,405 I'll never forgive you for dragging me out here. 1014 01:15:51,164 --> 01:15:53,707 Okay, just you and me, Top Ramen. 1015 01:15:54,208 --> 01:15:57,419 You're the protector of bean curd. Get busy. 1016 01:16:01,049 --> 01:16:02,758 Nice catch. 1017 01:16:08,556 --> 01:16:10,182 Hey, grounder. 1018 01:16:11,184 --> 01:16:13,643 That's gonna mean some extra runs! 1019 01:16:16,564 --> 01:16:18,356 Oh, another one! 1020 01:16:19,317 --> 01:16:21,151 Oh, bad hop. 1021 01:16:21,235 --> 01:16:22,903 Almost ready. 1022 01:16:39,670 --> 01:16:41,922 - Good to go, Mom. - We're ready! 1023 01:16:49,680 --> 01:16:52,349 Just walking along, minding my own business. 1024 01:16:52,433 --> 01:16:54,351 Oh, look, a mine shaft. 1025 01:16:58,940 --> 01:17:00,398 Hey, asshole! 1026 01:17:01,150 --> 01:17:02,943 Go fuck yourself! 1027 01:17:13,412 --> 01:17:16,915 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait. Let him get all the way in. 1028 01:17:26,134 --> 01:17:29,344 - He's not buying it. - That's weird, I approved that likeness. 1029 01:17:29,428 --> 01:17:31,138 Bruce, what do we do? 1030 01:17:31,139 --> 01:17:33,431 Well, looks like we're gonna have to do this the old-fashioned way, 1031 01:17:33,516 --> 01:17:36,726 - mano a monster. - But that's suicide. 1032 01:17:36,811 --> 01:17:39,563 Only if I die, kid. Wish me luck. 1033 01:17:39,647 --> 01:17:41,982 - Bruce. - Yes? 1034 01:17:43,651 --> 01:17:44,985 For luck. 1035 01:17:49,031 --> 01:17:52,325 - You wanna move that hand? - That's not my hand. 1036 01:18:04,255 --> 01:18:07,757 - Okay, Jeff, do it. Now! - Mom, I can't! 1037 01:18:09,260 --> 01:18:11,386 Not the face! Not the face! 1038 01:18:12,221 --> 01:18:13,555 It is Bruce Campbell! 1039 01:18:13,681 --> 01:18:16,183 Look, I know how much he means to you, 1040 01:18:16,267 --> 01:18:19,311 how much he means to all the audiences across the world, 1041 01:18:19,395 --> 01:18:21,062 how much he means to me. 1042 01:18:21,189 --> 01:18:24,524 But look, you've got to just think of one question right now. 1043 01:18:24,650 --> 01:18:27,152 What would Bruce Campbell do? 1044 01:18:27,236 --> 01:18:29,029 - Run away? - No! 1045 01:19:04,065 --> 01:19:06,233 I can't believe he's gone. 1046 01:19:28,172 --> 01:19:29,714 Stay there. 1047 01:19:32,343 --> 01:19:35,845 Bruce. 1048 01:19:35,930 --> 01:19:38,640 Well, I'm glad that's over. 1049 01:19:39,934 --> 01:19:42,769 - Jeff, I just have one request. - Anything, Bruce. 1050 01:19:42,895 --> 01:19:46,398 Next time you unleash an ancient demon, call that Buffy chick. 1051 01:20:03,291 --> 01:20:04,958 Stop! Stop! 1052 01:20:06,127 --> 01:20:08,503 What's the problem, Bruce? 1053 01:20:09,297 --> 01:20:12,132 Look, I'm sorry, but these shock endings are a rip off. 1054 01:20:12,216 --> 01:20:16,094 I mean, we just killed the creature like 30 seconds ago, and now it's back? 1055 01:20:16,178 --> 01:20:17,887 The fans deserve better. 1056 01:20:17,972 --> 01:20:22,559 And come on, for once, could we please have a happy ending to a horror film? 1057 01:20:23,144 --> 01:20:26,896 - Yeah. A happy ending is a great... - I'll think about it. 1058 01:20:26,981 --> 01:20:28,898 Think about it, though. 1059 01:20:36,949 --> 01:20:39,993 Oh, I never knew life could be so swell. 1060 01:20:40,119 --> 01:20:43,830 Well, once you've made love the Bruce Campbell way, you never go back. 1061 01:20:43,914 --> 01:20:47,834 Father, Mother, I've just been accepted to Harvard. 1062 01:20:48,836 --> 01:20:52,088 I told you that C average was nothing to worry about. 1063 01:20:52,173 --> 01:20:53,798 Group hug. 1064 01:20:55,343 --> 01:20:56,509 You happy? 1065 01:20:56,594 --> 01:20:57,844 - You happy? - Oh, yes. 1066 01:20:57,970 --> 01:21:01,473 - We're all happy. - One big happy family. 1067 01:21:11,192 --> 01:21:14,402 Now, I ask you, what could be a better ending than that? 1068 01:21:15,613 --> 01:21:17,155 Oh, my God! 1069 01:22:34,442 --> 01:22:35,608 Bean curd.