1 00:02:07,010 --> 00:02:09,313 Sometimes I stand looking at my wife 2 00:02:10,309 --> 00:02:12,579 without her knowing I'm here. 3 00:02:14,247 --> 00:02:18,724 The first time she entered that room she said, 4 00:02:18,891 --> 00:02:21,259 "Oh, how nice. I feel at home here." 5 00:02:22,702 --> 00:02:25,671 We hadn't known each other long. 6 00:02:25,840 --> 00:02:27,947 We met at a bishops' conference in Trondheim. 7 00:02:28,114 --> 00:02:30,898 She was there as a journalist. 8 00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:35,791 I told her about the parsonage out here. 9 00:02:36,664 --> 00:02:40,529 I ventured to suggest a visit 10 00:02:40,699 --> 00:02:42,194 when the conference was over. 11 00:02:43,804 --> 00:02:47,898 On the way, I asked her to marry me. 12 00:02:48,897 --> 00:02:55,426 She didn't answer, but when we entered the room she said, 13 00:02:55,845 --> 00:02:58,335 "Oh, how nice. I feel at home here." 14 00:03:00,873 --> 00:03:05,633 Since then we've lived a quiet, happy life at the parsonage. 15 00:03:06,060 --> 00:03:09,096 Eva has, of course, told me about her earlier life. 16 00:03:09,903 --> 00:03:14,478 After leaving school she went on to college 17 00:03:14,643 --> 00:03:19,316 got engaged to a doctor and lived with him for several years. 18 00:03:20,823 --> 00:03:24,273 Wrote two small books. 19 00:03:24,698 --> 00:03:28,531 Came down with tuberculosis, broke off the engagement 20 00:03:28,701 --> 00:03:33,593 and moved from Oslo to a small town in the south of Norway 21 00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:36,792 where she began to work as a journalist. 22 00:03:37,859 --> 00:03:42,019 This is the first of her books. I like it so much. 23 00:03:42,663 --> 00:03:44,452 She has written, 24 00:03:46,313 --> 00:03:51,368 "One must learn to live. I practice every day. 25 00:03:51,533 --> 00:03:55,595 My biggest obstacle is I don't know who I am. 26 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:57,387 I grope blindly. 27 00:03:58,131 --> 00:04:01,035 If anyone loves me as I am 28 00:04:01,205 --> 00:04:04,371 I may dare at last to look at myself. 29 00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:10,192 For me, that possibility is fairly remote." 30 00:04:15,134 --> 00:04:18,650 I'd like to tell her just for once 31 00:04:18,817 --> 00:04:22,649 that she is loved whole-heartedly 32 00:04:23,716 --> 00:04:26,468 but I can't say it in such a way 33 00:04:26,631 --> 00:04:30,758 that she'd believe me. I can't find the right words. 34 00:04:56,892 --> 00:04:59,741 I've written to Mama. Am I interrupting? 35 00:04:59,903 --> 00:05:05,471 -No, no. Come in. I'll turn off the radio. -I can come back later. 36 00:05:05,634 --> 00:05:07,807 No, please read me the letter. 37 00:05:08,997 --> 00:05:13,473 "Dearest Mama, I was in town yesterday and ran into Agnes 38 00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:17,221 who was on a visit to her parents. 39 00:05:17,387 --> 00:05:19,494 She told me Leonardo had died. 40 00:05:20,333 --> 00:05:25,640 I know what a terrible blow this must be to you. 41 00:05:25,809 --> 00:05:27,817 I'm wondering now if you'd like to come and visit us 42 00:05:27,986 --> 00:05:31,371 for a few days or weeks. 43 00:05:32,341 --> 00:05:35,410 So that you won't say no right off 44 00:05:35,576 --> 00:05:38,425 the parsonage is very spacious. 45 00:05:38,586 --> 00:05:41,785 You'll have your own room with all conveniences. 46 00:05:42,365 --> 00:05:46,230 We have a piano and you can practice all you want to. 47 00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:49,500 It would make a change from a hotel. 48 00:05:50,082 --> 00:05:52,353 Do say you'll come! 49 00:05:52,516 --> 00:05:56,413 We'll make a fuss over you and spoil you. 50 00:05:56,583 --> 00:05:59,487 It's ages since we last met. 51 00:05:59,657 --> 00:06:01,481 7 years this October!" 52 00:06:01,963 --> 00:06:04,812 "Much love from Viktor and Eva." 53 00:06:04,973 --> 00:06:06,797 -That's fine. -Are you sure? 54 00:07:00,917 --> 00:07:05,809 -Mama darling! -Eva! Well, here I am! 55 00:07:05,977 --> 00:07:10,322 -I'm so glad you're here. -Yes, just fancy. It was a long trip. 56 00:07:10,492 --> 00:07:15,100 -Yes, I know. -How beautiful it is here! 57 00:07:15,264 --> 00:07:18,332 -Do stay a long time. -Indeed I will. 58 00:07:18,498 --> 00:07:23,423 -I can't believe you're here. -Let's go for a nice long walk. 59 00:07:23,590 --> 00:07:27,487 -What heavy bags! Have you brought all your music? -Yes, 60 00:07:27,657 --> 00:07:30,441 I'm staying for good! -It would be nice. 61 00:07:30,602 --> 00:07:33,987 -You'll give me some lessons, won't you? -Yes. 62 00:07:34,157 --> 00:07:36,580 Where's Viktor? -He's not at home for the moment. 63 00:07:36,751 --> 00:07:40,202 We didn't think you'd come so early. 64 00:07:40,978 --> 00:07:43,052 -This is your room. -Oh, isn't it nice! 65 00:07:44,052 --> 00:07:48,245 And what a beautiful view. -The bathroom's here. 66 00:07:49,624 --> 00:07:55,859 -How nice and up-to-date. -I hope one wardrobe is enough. 67 00:07:56,028 --> 00:07:59,577 Everything's fine. I really am very tired. 68 00:07:59,744 --> 00:08:04,319 I sat with Leonardo the last day and night. 69 00:08:04,483 --> 00:08:07,485 Hewas in bad pain and was given shots every two hours. 70 00:08:08,262 --> 00:08:12,804 Now and then he cried because it hurt. 71 00:08:12,969 --> 00:08:14,344 he wasn't afraid of dying. 72 00:08:15,275 --> 00:08:20,068 Outside the hospital thew yere drilling and hammering. 73 00:08:20,239 --> 00:08:25,031 The sun was blazing down and there were no awnings. 74 00:08:25,555 --> 00:08:30,544 We tried to get another room but many wards were closed for repairs. 75 00:08:31,542 --> 00:08:34,960 Towards evening the noise stopped and I could open the window. 76 00:08:35,129 --> 00:08:40,053 The heat outside was like a wall, and not a breath of wind. 77 00:08:41,982 --> 00:08:45,727 In the evening the doctor came. He's an old friend. 78 00:08:47,170 --> 00:08:49,724 He said it wouldn't be long now. 79 00:08:50,660 --> 00:08:56,447 Leonardo would get a shot every half -hour so he could die without pain. 80 00:08:57,641 --> 00:09:00,294 Then the doctor left and the ward nurse came in. 81 00:09:02,349 --> 00:09:05,034 She said I should eat, but I wasn't hungry. 82 00:09:06,319 --> 00:09:08,655 The smell was making me sick. 83 00:09:10,931 --> 00:09:13,267 Leonardo dozed off 84 00:09:14,742 --> 00:09:19,699 then woke up and asked me to go out of the room. 85 00:09:20,729 --> 00:09:24,507 He rang for the night nurse and she came in with a shot. 86 00:09:26,750 --> 00:09:30,877 A minute or two later she came out and said 87 00:09:32,226 --> 00:09:33,885 Leonardo was dead. 88 00:09:38,982 --> 00:09:41,221 I sat with him all night. 89 00:09:42,537 --> 00:09:45,289 He had been my friend for 18 years. 90 00:09:45,451 --> 00:09:50,670 We had lived together for thirteen and had never had an angry word. 91 00:09:52,561 --> 00:09:55,498 For two years he had known he was ill and that there was no hope. 92 00:09:57,044 --> 00:10:00,756 As often as I could I went to see him at his villa near Naples. 93 00:10:02,839 --> 00:10:07,928 He was kind and thoughtful and happy about my success. 94 00:10:08,764 --> 00:10:12,990 We talked and joked and played chamber music. 95 00:10:14,496 --> 00:10:19,322 He hardly ever spoke of his illness and he wouldn't have liked me to ask. 96 00:10:58,624 --> 00:11:01,528 One day he gave me a long look 97 00:11:02,755 --> 00:11:05,310 then laughed and said: 98 00:11:07,206 --> 00:11:10,885 "This time next year I'll be gone 99 00:11:12,073 --> 00:11:16,484 "but I'll always be with you. I'll always think of you." 100 00:11:19,759 --> 00:11:23,952 It was sweet of him to say so 101 00:11:24,114 --> 00:11:25,839 but he was apt to be rather theatrical. 102 00:11:26,996 --> 00:11:29,486 I can't say I go around grieving. 103 00:11:30,199 --> 00:11:33,747 Of course he's left a gap, but it's no good fretting. 104 00:11:33,913 --> 00:11:36,850 Do you think I've changed much? 105 00:11:37,020 --> 00:11:40,917 -You're just the same. -I dye my hair of course. 106 00:11:41,086 --> 00:11:43,805 Otherwise I'm the same, don't you think? 107 00:11:43,968 --> 00:11:48,194 I bought this outfit in Z'rich. Saw it in a window 108 00:11:48,356 --> 00:11:52,101 went in and tried it on and it fit perfectly. 109 00:11:52,262 --> 00:11:56,127 -Don't you think it's nice? -Yes, very. 110 00:11:56,298 --> 00:12:00,195 Will you help me with this case? My back's giving me hell. 111 00:12:01,421 --> 00:12:05,198 Have you a board to put underthe mattress? 112 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:08,591 We put one there yesterday. 113 00:12:09,171 --> 00:12:14,510 Eva dear, what is it? Have I said something wrong? 114 00:12:14,679 --> 00:12:17,233 I'm just so glad to see you. 115 00:12:18,586 --> 00:12:22,003 Give me a nice squeezy hug, as you did when you were little. 116 00:12:23,260 --> 00:12:26,743 I've done nothing but chattered about myself. 117 00:12:27,136 --> 00:12:30,913 Tell me about you. How are things? 118 00:12:31,075 --> 00:12:35,999 -Oh, fine. -Don't you lead a very isolated life? 119 00:12:36,166 --> 00:12:40,959 -No, we have our parish work. -Yes, of course. 120 00:12:41,130 --> 00:12:45,923 I often play the organ. Last month I had a musical evening. 121 00:12:46,093 --> 00:12:51,247 I played and talked about each piece. 122 00:12:51,409 --> 00:12:55,209 -I hope you'll play for me. -I'd love to. 123 00:12:55,380 --> 00:12:57,618 I gave five school concerts in Los Angeles. 124 00:12:57,782 --> 00:13:00,719 3,000 children each time. 125 00:13:00,888 --> 00:13:05,976 I played and talked to them. I was a huge success. 126 00:13:06,139 --> 00:13:08,377 There's something I have to tell you. 127 00:13:09,213 --> 00:13:10,741 Helena is here. 128 00:13:20,166 --> 00:13:22,174 You should have told me. 129 00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:26,854 If l had, you wouldn't have come. 130 00:13:27,018 --> 00:13:29,092 I'm sure I would have. 131 00:13:29,260 --> 00:13:31,084 And I'm sure you wouldn't. 132 00:13:31,854 --> 00:13:37,193 Isn't Leonardo's death enough? Why drag poor Lena here too? 133 00:13:37,362 --> 00:13:40,179 She's been here for the last two years. 134 00:13:41,045 --> 00:13:45,139 Viktor and I asked her if she'd like to live with us. 135 00:13:46,809 --> 00:13:50,194 -I wrote to you. -I never got the letter. 136 00:13:50,364 --> 00:13:52,252 Or else you never bothered to read it. 137 00:13:53,694 --> 00:13:57,493 -Aren't you being rather unfair? -Yes. I'm sorry. 138 00:14:00,098 --> 00:14:03,199 I'm not up to seeing her. At any rate not today. 139 00:14:04,261 --> 00:14:08,520 Helena is a wonderful person. 140 00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:14,216 She's longing to seeyou. -It seemed so nice for her at that home. 141 00:14:14,381 --> 00:14:18,377 -I wanted her with me. -Are you sure she's better off here? 142 00:14:18,543 --> 00:14:22,059 Yes. And I have someone to look after. 143 00:14:23,123 --> 00:14:29,587 Has she... I mean is she... Is she worse? 144 00:14:30,104 --> 00:14:33,652 Oh yes, she's worse. It's part of the disease. 145 00:14:37,725 --> 00:14:39,319 Come along then, let's go and see her. 146 00:14:42,433 --> 00:14:45,020 -Are you sure? -I have no choice. 147 00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:50,721 Some people are so naive. 148 00:14:51,496 --> 00:14:54,760 -You mean me? -If the shoe fits. 149 00:15:08,659 --> 00:15:11,050 Dear Lena! 150 00:15:12,758 --> 00:15:17,301 I've thought of you so often, every day. 151 00:15:23,262 --> 00:15:26,363 Helena is afraid of giving you her cold. 152 00:15:26,529 --> 00:15:30,492 I haven't had a cold for twenty years. 153 00:15:32,293 --> 00:15:35,361 What a lovely room you have! 154 00:15:35,527 --> 00:15:37,438 I have the same view from my room. 155 00:15:48,208 --> 00:15:51,025 Helena wants you to take her head 156 00:15:51,186 --> 00:15:54,669 in your hands. -Like that? 157 00:15:58,135 --> 00:16:01,848 I'm so glad Eva's looking after you. 158 00:16:02,010 --> 00:16:06,388 I thought you were still at that home. I would have come to visit. 159 00:16:06,557 --> 00:16:08,566 But it's much better like this, isn't it? 160 00:16:09,631 --> 00:16:11,738 Now we can be together every day. 161 00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:19,613 -Are you in pain? -No. 162 00:16:22,472 --> 00:16:33,577 -How nicely you've done your hair. -It's in your honor. 163 00:16:34,193 --> 00:16:39,216 Suppose I read aloud to you? Would you like that? 164 00:16:40,533 --> 00:16:44,912 And we can go for a drive. I've never been around here before. 165 00:16:49,724 --> 00:16:52,825 -What? -Helena says you must be awfully tired 166 00:16:52,991 --> 00:16:55,097 and not to make any more effort today. 167 00:17:04,615 --> 00:17:07,072 Well done, Mama. 168 00:17:07,241 --> 00:17:11,270 -Doesn't Lena have a wrist watch? I'll give you mine. 169 00:17:11,436 --> 00:17:13,576 It was a gift from an admirer 170 00:17:13,741 --> 00:17:16,678 who said I was always late. 171 00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:21,868 Will Lena be having dinner with us? -No, she's on a diet. 172 00:17:22,770 --> 00:17:27,213 She ate fartoo much at the hospital. 173 00:17:32,822 --> 00:17:34,579 Why do I feel like I have a temperature? 174 00:17:35,768 --> 00:17:37,329 Why do I want to cry? 175 00:17:38,712 --> 00:17:43,570 I'm to be put to shame, that's the idea. 176 00:17:43,739 --> 00:17:47,352 Then a guilty conscience. Always a guilty conscience! 177 00:17:49,981 --> 00:17:53,757 I was in such a hurry to get here. What was I expecting? 178 00:17:53,919 --> 00:17:57,914 What was I longing for so desperately? 179 00:17:59,105 --> 00:18:01,855 This extraordinary mother! 180 00:18:02,626 --> 00:18:06,522 You should have seen her when I told her Lena was here. 181 00:18:06,692 --> 00:18:10,916 She actually managed to produce a smile 182 00:18:11,077 --> 00:18:13,282 despite her surprise and alarm. 183 00:18:14,023 --> 00:18:19,043 And as we stood outside Lena's door: an actress before her entrance, 184 00:18:19,208 --> 00:18:23,236 scared but in control. The performance was superb. 185 00:18:24,619 --> 00:18:27,075 Why on earth did she come here? 186 00:18:27,244 --> 00:18:31,882 What did she expect of a meeting after 7 years? What did she expect? 187 00:18:32,046 --> 00:18:37,263 -I wonder. -And what did I expect? Does one never stop hoping? 188 00:18:37,424 --> 00:18:41,102 -I don't think so. -Always mother and daughter! 189 00:18:41,778 --> 00:18:45,391 No use starting to cry. Damn it! 190 00:18:46,868 --> 00:18:49,684 There she sat, gazing at me with her big eyes. 191 00:18:52,374 --> 00:18:56,150 I held her face and felt the disease 192 00:18:56,311 --> 00:18:58,865 twitching at her throat muscles. 193 00:19:00,569 --> 00:19:01,977 Damn it! 194 00:19:04,123 --> 00:19:06,677 To think I can't carry her to my bed 195 00:19:06,844 --> 00:19:08,950 and comfort her as I did when she was three. 196 00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:19,386 That soft, torn body 197 00:19:21,666 --> 00:19:23,227 that's my Lena! 198 00:19:28,356 --> 00:19:30,047 Don't cry, for Christ's sake. 199 00:19:30,885 --> 00:19:33,952 A writer whose name I've forgotten said, 200 00:19:34,118 --> 00:19:36,934 "It's like a ghost falling on top of you 201 00:19:37,095 --> 00:19:39,747 when you open the door to the nursery 202 00:19:39,913 --> 00:19:42,914 having long since forgotten it is the nursery." 203 00:19:44,330 --> 00:19:48,969 -Do you think I'm grown up? -I guess being grown up is being able 204 00:19:49,132 --> 00:19:55,627 to handle your dreams and hopes. Not longing. -Do you think so? 205 00:19:56,815 --> 00:19:58,921 Maybe you stop being surprised. 206 00:20:00,497 --> 00:20:04,393 How sensible you look, with your old pipe. 207 00:20:04,563 --> 00:20:09,518 -You're quite grown up. -I wonder. I'm surprised every day. 208 00:20:09,685 --> 00:20:12,533 -At what? -Atyou. 209 00:20:12,694 --> 00:20:17,267 And I have the most unreasonable dreams and hopes. 210 00:20:17,431 --> 00:20:20,629 And a longing too, come to that. 211 00:20:20,793 --> 00:20:23,183 -Longing? -Yes. I long for you. 212 00:20:23,835 --> 00:20:26,618 Those are very pretty words. 213 00:20:26,779 --> 00:20:28,918 Words that don't mean anything real. 214 00:20:29,756 --> 00:20:32,277 I was brought up with beautiful words. 215 00:20:32,445 --> 00:20:36,790 Mama is never furious or disappointed or unhappy 216 00:20:36,959 --> 00:20:40,922 she is "pained". You have a lot of words like that too. 217 00:20:42,017 --> 00:20:44,385 It's a kind of occupational disease. 218 00:20:45,443 --> 00:20:48,892 If you long for me when I'm here, 219 00:20:49,061 --> 00:20:52,193 I begin to be suspicious. -You know what I mean. 220 00:20:52,357 --> 00:20:57,662 No. If l knew, it would never enter your head to say so. 221 00:20:58,504 --> 00:21:01,767 I must see to the veal roast. 222 00:21:01,929 --> 00:21:05,543 Mama thinks I'm a hopeless cook. 223 00:21:05,707 --> 00:21:09,188 -Mama thinks you're a... -...wonderful cook. Thank you! 224 00:21:11,021 --> 00:21:13,924 And she's to have decaffeinated coffee. 225 00:21:15,183 --> 00:21:19,974 I'll cut myvisit short. I can manage four days. 226 00:21:20,145 --> 00:21:22,601 Then I'll go to Africa as I originally planned. 227 00:21:27,956 --> 00:21:32,114 This hurts, Charlotte. It hurts. Hurts. Hurts. 228 00:21:32,853 --> 00:21:38,125 I've often wondered why she sleeps badly. Now I know. 229 00:21:38,295 --> 00:21:42,934 If that woman slept normally, her vitality would crush everyone. 230 00:21:43,097 --> 00:21:47,889 Her insomnia is nature's way ofusing up the surplus energy. 231 00:21:49,116 --> 00:21:54,584 I'll put on my red dress just to spite Eva. 232 00:21:54,750 --> 00:21:57,818 I'm sure she thinks I ought to be in mourning. 233 00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:02,842 See how carefully she dresses for dinner. 234 00:22:03,010 --> 00:22:09,636 Her dress will be a discreet reminder that she's a lonely widow. 235 00:22:10,981 --> 00:22:17,312 I'm angry the whole time. Viktor and Eva have been sweet to me. 236 00:22:17,479 --> 00:22:22,718 Viktor's a kindly soul. Lucky for Eva, the cry-baby. 237 00:22:22,889 --> 00:22:25,345 I don't suppose the shower works. 238 00:22:26,507 --> 00:22:27,587 Yes, it does! 239 00:22:40,976 --> 00:22:44,589 -What a lovely dress! -Does it suit me? 240 00:22:44,754 --> 00:22:48,553 One day I met a friend who said, 241 00:22:48,724 --> 00:22:51,146 "I've just come from a fashion show. 242 00:22:51,317 --> 00:22:54,001 "There was a divine red dress which is absolutely you!" 243 00:22:54,165 --> 00:22:58,160 Toyour health, Charlotte. We're delighted to have you with us. 244 00:23:26,722 --> 00:23:29,790 Eva, see if I left my glasses on the table. 245 00:23:38,920 --> 00:23:40,032 Thank you, darling. 246 00:24:43,713 --> 00:24:48,472 That was my agent, he's so sweet. The only friend I have left. 247 00:24:48,644 --> 00:24:53,380 You remember him. Old Paul. We've worked together now for 30 years. 248 00:24:54,598 --> 00:25:00,798 What a fine old instrument! What a lovely tone! And just tuned. 249 00:25:00,968 --> 00:25:02,824 Now I'm really happy. 250 00:25:04,266 --> 00:25:07,169 I didn't need toworry. -What doyou mean, Mama? 251 00:25:07,339 --> 00:25:11,235 I was nervous of seeing you again after so many years. 252 00:25:11,404 --> 00:25:13,707 I nearly didn't come. 253 00:25:13,870 --> 00:25:17,319 This peculiar coffee is a bore 254 00:25:17,487 --> 00:25:19,211 but what can I do when I can't sleep? 255 00:25:20,592 --> 00:25:23,343 I see you'reworking on the Chopin preludes. 256 00:25:23,505 --> 00:25:26,124 Play something. -Not now. 257 00:25:26,290 --> 00:25:31,562 Don't be childish. You'd give me great pleasure. 258 00:25:31,732 --> 00:25:35,378 But you wanted your mother to hear you. 259 00:25:35,542 --> 00:25:39,984 But it's all a sham. I have no technique. 260 00:25:40,152 --> 00:25:44,856 I haven't even bothered to learn the fingering. 261 00:25:45,017 --> 00:25:47,888 Darling, no more excuses. Come on now, play. 262 00:27:37,959 --> 00:27:39,453 Eva, my dearest. 263 00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:44,001 -Is that all? -I was just so moved. 264 00:27:45,194 --> 00:27:47,300 -Did you like it? -I liked you. 265 00:27:48,459 --> 00:27:52,355 -I don't follow. -Play something else. 266 00:27:52,525 --> 00:27:55,111 -What was wrong? -Nothing. 267 00:27:55,981 --> 00:27:59,244 You didn't like my interpretation. 268 00:27:59,407 --> 00:28:04,144 -We all have our own. -Exactly. I want to know yours. 269 00:28:05,170 --> 00:28:11,086 -You're cross. -No, I'm upset. You won't tell me your idea 270 00:28:11,252 --> 00:28:14,449 of this prelude. -All right, if you insist. 271 00:28:15,893 --> 00:28:19,506 Your technique wasn't at all bad though you might have taken 272 00:28:19,671 --> 00:28:23,568 more interest in Cortot's fingering. 273 00:28:23,736 --> 00:28:28,408 But let's just talk about the conception. 274 00:28:29,051 --> 00:28:33,362 Chopin was emotional, but not mawkish. 275 00:28:33,533 --> 00:28:36,382 Feeling is very far from sentimentality. 276 00:28:36,542 --> 00:28:42,458 The prelude tells of pain, not reverie. 277 00:28:42,625 --> 00:28:46,270 You have to be calm, clear and harsh. 278 00:28:46,434 --> 00:28:48,256 Take the first bars now. 279 00:28:51,012 --> 00:28:54,047 It hurts, but he doesn't show it. 280 00:28:55,462 --> 00:28:57,470 Then a short relief. 281 00:29:00,520 --> 00:29:04,831 But it evaporates at once, 282 00:29:05,001 --> 00:29:07,239 and the pain is the same. 283 00:29:11,436 --> 00:29:13,804 Total restraint the whole time. 284 00:29:14,765 --> 00:29:18,661 Chopin was proud, passionate, 285 00:29:18,830 --> 00:29:23,851 tormented and very manly. He wasn't a mawkish old woman. 286 00:29:24,017 --> 00:29:28,045 This prelude must be made to sound almost ugly. 287 00:29:28,211 --> 00:29:31,310 It is never ingratiating. It should sound wrong. 288 00:29:31,476 --> 00:29:34,793 You have to battle your way through it and emerge triumphant. 289 00:29:35,605 --> 00:29:38,257 Like this. 290 00:32:07,698 --> 00:32:08,876 I see. 291 00:32:11,155 --> 00:32:16,274 -Don't be cross with me. -Why should I be? On the contrary. 292 00:32:16,438 --> 00:32:19,505 For 45 years I've worked at these terrible preludes. 293 00:32:20,246 --> 00:32:24,077 They still contain a lot of secrets. 294 00:32:25,817 --> 00:32:28,338 When I was little, I admired you enormously. 295 00:32:29,082 --> 00:32:31,985 Then I got pretty tired of you and your pianos. 296 00:32:33,596 --> 00:32:36,696 Now I admire you again, but in a different way. 297 00:32:37,758 --> 00:32:40,628 -Then there's some hope. -Yes, I guess so. 298 00:32:54,149 --> 00:32:57,499 -Where are you? -I'm up here, Mama. 299 00:33:06,057 --> 00:33:09,703 I've changed, so we can go for a walk if you like. 300 00:33:10,378 --> 00:33:13,478 -Is this the nursery? -Yes, it's Erik's room. 301 00:33:14,957 --> 00:33:20,043 -Fancy letting it stay like this! -We've often talked of altering it. 302 00:33:20,207 --> 00:33:27,050 Sometimes I come and sit here and let my thoughts wander. 303 00:33:27,217 --> 00:33:31,245 -Let's go. -Wait, Mama! Feel the nice atmosphere in here. 304 00:33:34,388 --> 00:33:37,902 Erik drowned the day before his fourth birthday. 305 00:33:38,070 --> 00:33:39,597 But you know that. 306 00:33:40,247 --> 00:33:44,242 It was too much for Viktor. 307 00:33:44,408 --> 00:33:47,191 I grieved a lot, outwardly. 308 00:33:47,353 --> 00:33:50,519 Deep inside, I felt he was still alive, 309 00:33:51,483 --> 00:33:53,687 that we were living close to each other. 310 00:33:55,132 --> 00:33:58,549 All I have to do is concentrate, and he's there. 311 00:33:59,422 --> 00:34:05,087 Sometimes, as I'm falling asleep I can feel him breathing on my face 312 00:34:05,249 --> 00:34:07,770 and touching me with his hand. 313 00:34:08,706 --> 00:34:12,286 He's living another life, but we can reach one another. 314 00:34:12,451 --> 00:34:15,486 There's no dividing line, no insurmountable wall. 315 00:34:16,837 --> 00:34:21,891 I wonder what the reality looks like where my little boy is living. 316 00:34:22,055 --> 00:34:25,023 I know it can't be described. 317 00:34:25,192 --> 00:34:28,706 It's a world of liberated feelings. 318 00:34:29,642 --> 00:34:31,071 Doyou know what I mean? 319 00:34:32,075 --> 00:34:35,425 To me, man is a tremendous creation, 320 00:34:35,597 --> 00:34:38,413 an inconceivable thought. 321 00:34:38,574 --> 00:34:42,602 In man is everything, from the highest to the lowest. 322 00:34:42,768 --> 00:34:46,763 Man is God's image, and in God there is everything. 323 00:34:47,922 --> 00:34:53,226 So human beings are created, but also the demons 324 00:34:53,395 --> 00:34:58,219 and the saints, the prophets and artists and iconoclasts. 325 00:34:58,390 --> 00:35:01,326 Everything exists side by side. 326 00:35:01,495 --> 00:35:06,231 It's like huge patterns changing all the time. 327 00:35:06,392 --> 00:35:11,151 In the same way, there must also be countless realities 328 00:35:11,323 --> 00:35:14,641 not only the reality we perceive with our dull senses 329 00:35:14,812 --> 00:35:21,438 but a tumult of realities arching above each other inside and outside. 330 00:35:22,463 --> 00:35:25,628 It's just fear and priggishness to believe in limits. 331 00:35:26,785 --> 00:35:31,359 There are no limits. Neither to thoughts 332 00:35:31,523 --> 00:35:33,181 nor to feelings. 333 00:35:34,628 --> 00:35:40,195 It's anxiety that sets limits. 334 00:35:40,358 --> 00:35:44,451 When you play the slow movement of the Hammerklavier sonata 335 00:35:44,616 --> 00:35:49,703 you must feel you're living in a world without limitations 336 00:35:49,866 --> 00:35:54,723 in an activity you can never see through or explore. 337 00:35:56,876 --> 00:35:59,594 Let's go for a walk before it gets too dark. 338 00:36:23,800 --> 00:36:27,445 I thought I heard Helena calling. Excuse me. 339 00:36:30,074 --> 00:36:34,516 I think Eva is awfully unhappy. 340 00:36:34,684 --> 00:36:39,421 I'm appalled when I hear her holding forth. It's so neurotic. 341 00:36:39,582 --> 00:36:42,398 Just a moment, Charlotte 342 00:36:42,559 --> 00:36:46,652 and I'll try to explain how I view my wife. 343 00:36:49,090 --> 00:36:53,914 When I asked Eva to marry me, she said she didn't love me. 344 00:36:54,084 --> 00:36:57,827 -What do you mean? -I asked if she loved someone else. 345 00:36:58,597 --> 00:37:02,722 She said she had never loved anyone, 346 00:37:02,887 --> 00:37:05,474 that she was incapable of loving. 347 00:37:09,482 --> 00:37:16,489 Eva and I lived here for several years. Then Erikwas born. 348 00:37:17,069 --> 00:37:23,236 We'd given up hope of a child of our own and talked of adopting one. 349 00:37:23,408 --> 00:37:29,640 With her pregnancy, Eva underwent a complete change. 350 00:37:29,810 --> 00:37:35,114 She became cheerful, gentle and outgoing. 351 00:37:36,372 --> 00:37:39,373 She got lazy and couldn't be bothered 352 00:37:39,541 --> 00:37:43,340 with her parish work or her piano-playing. 353 00:37:43,511 --> 00:37:45,781 She would sit by that window gazing at the play of light 354 00:37:45,944 --> 00:37:48,979 over the fell and the fjord. 355 00:37:51,770 --> 00:37:53,745 We were suddenly very happy. 356 00:37:54,907 --> 00:37:58,258 I'm much older than Eva. 357 00:37:58,429 --> 00:38:01,726 I felt as if a gray film were settling over life. 358 00:38:01,886 --> 00:38:06,776 I felt as if I could look backand say, 359 00:38:06,944 --> 00:38:10,623 "Well, well, so that was my life, that's how it all turned out." 360 00:38:15,940 --> 00:38:20,644 But suddenly things were different. 361 00:38:24,616 --> 00:38:30,335 Please forgive me, but it's still rather hard to... 362 00:38:35,276 --> 00:38:41,738 Yes. We had some years that were very rich. Erik. 363 00:38:45,840 --> 00:38:49,671 You should have seen Eva. 364 00:38:49,842 --> 00:38:52,810 At the time of Erik's birth 365 00:38:52,979 --> 00:38:56,144 I was recording all the Mozart sonatas. 366 00:38:56,308 --> 00:38:58,928 -I hadn't one day free. -No. 367 00:38:59,094 --> 00:39:01,877 We invited you over and over again. 368 00:39:03,735 --> 00:39:07,217 When Erik drowned, that gray film got even grayer. 369 00:39:08,409 --> 00:39:12,436 For Eva it was different. 370 00:39:12,602 --> 00:39:18,268 -Different? -Her feeling lives, uncorroded. 371 00:39:18,429 --> 00:39:19,956 Or so it seems anyway. 372 00:39:21,662 --> 00:39:28,855 If she feels that her son is alive and near her, 373 00:39:30,018 --> 00:39:32,320 well, perhaps that's how it is. 374 00:39:33,122 --> 00:39:36,026 She seldom speaks of it. 375 00:39:36,196 --> 00:39:38,499 I guess she's afraid it might upset me 376 00:39:38,661 --> 00:39:40,255 as indeed it would. 377 00:39:41,510 --> 00:39:44,260 But what she says sounds true enough. 378 00:39:45,640 --> 00:39:49,765 -I believe her. -Yes, you're a minister. 379 00:39:50,538 --> 00:39:56,520 -My faith lives on her terms. -I'm sorry if I hurt you. 380 00:39:56,684 --> 00:40:00,362 It doesn't matter. Unlike you and Eva, 381 00:40:00,525 --> 00:40:03,876 I'm diffuse and uncertain. It's my own fault. 382 00:40:04,047 --> 00:40:07,529 I think I'll take a good dose of sleeping pills tonight. 383 00:40:11,922 --> 00:40:15,786 It's so peaceful here, only the hiss ofthe rain on the roof. 384 00:40:16,916 --> 00:40:20,016 -Do you have all you need? -Couldn't be better. 385 00:40:20,181 --> 00:40:24,012 Cookies and mineral water, tape recorder, 386 00:40:24,183 --> 00:40:27,730 two detective novels, my blindfold and ear-plugs 387 00:40:27,897 --> 00:40:30,931 and my travel blanket. 388 00:40:31,097 --> 00:40:34,415 Like to taste my delicious Swiss chocolate? 389 00:40:34,587 --> 00:40:39,029 -You can have two pieces. -I don't like chocolate. 390 00:40:39,197 --> 00:40:42,843 I seem to remember you were crazy about candy as a child. 391 00:40:43,615 --> 00:40:48,636 -Helena liked it. I didn't. -Good, all the more for me. 392 00:40:48,801 --> 00:40:51,355 -Good night, Mama. -Good night, my pet. 393 00:40:51,522 --> 00:40:55,898 Viktor is a delightful person. You must take care ofhim. 394 00:40:56,067 --> 00:41:01,699 -I do. -Areyou happy together? 395 00:41:01,862 --> 00:41:05,180 Do you get on well? -Viktor is my best friend. 396 00:41:05,352 --> 00:41:08,036 I can't imagine life without him. 397 00:41:09,097 --> 00:41:12,993 -He said you didn't love him. -Did he saythat? 398 00:41:13,162 --> 00:41:17,736 -Yes. Why? -Oh,just rather surprising. 399 00:41:17,900 --> 00:41:19,461 Was it a secret? 400 00:41:21,006 --> 00:41:25,033 But he shouldn't have said it? -He's not the confiding sort. 401 00:41:25,199 --> 00:41:29,903 -We were talking about you. -If you want to know anything, ask me. 402 00:41:30,065 --> 00:41:34,126 I'll answer truthfully. -Now, don't get upset. 403 00:41:34,291 --> 00:41:38,286 A mother naturally worries about her daughter. 404 00:41:38,453 --> 00:41:42,513 We spoke of you with the greatest affection. 405 00:41:42,678 --> 00:41:46,192 If only you'd leave people alone! 406 00:41:46,359 --> 00:41:49,360 I've left you alone far too long. 407 00:41:49,529 --> 00:41:54,550 -You're right. -Give me a hug. Promise you're not angry. 408 00:41:54,715 --> 00:41:57,204 -I'm not. -I love you, don't you see. 409 00:41:57,372 --> 00:41:58,682 I love you too. 410 00:41:59,901 --> 00:42:02,869 It's not much fun being alone always. 411 00:42:03,998 --> 00:42:05,941 I envy you and Viktor. 412 00:42:06,783 --> 00:42:12,055 Now that Leonardo's dead, I'm so awfully lonely. 413 00:42:12,226 --> 00:42:14,748 Don't you see? -Yes. 414 00:42:14,914 --> 00:42:18,528 I'll begin to weep with self-pity in a minute. 415 00:42:18,693 --> 00:42:21,345 This book isn't at all bad. 416 00:42:21,510 --> 00:42:24,707 It's by Adam Kretzinsky. Have you heard of him? 417 00:42:25,319 --> 00:42:28,703 I met him in Madrid. Mad as a hatter. 418 00:42:28,872 --> 00:42:31,907 I couldn't defend myself. In fact, I didn't. 419 00:42:32,874 --> 00:42:36,552 -Shall I put out this light? -Yes, please. 420 00:42:38,540 --> 00:42:41,541 -I'll bring your breakfast. -Don't trouble yourself. 421 00:42:41,709 --> 00:42:45,126 -But I want to spoil you. -Very well, if you insist. 422 00:42:46,063 --> 00:42:50,287 Strong coffee, hot milk, two slices ofGerman bread with cheese, 423 00:42:50,449 --> 00:42:54,825 one slice of toast with honey. 424 00:42:54,995 --> 00:42:57,713 -And orange juice. -I nearly forgot. 425 00:42:57,876 --> 00:42:59,982 I can... -juice it will be. 426 00:43:00,149 --> 00:43:03,249 Good night, darling. -Good night, Mama. 427 00:43:26,080 --> 00:43:28,950 I think I'll have a look at my accounts. 428 00:43:29,857 --> 00:43:33,273 I'll have Brammer invest the money from Leonardo. 429 00:43:35,299 --> 00:43:38,147 The house is worth quite a bit too. 430 00:43:38,308 --> 00:43:41,605 You never bothered about money. 431 00:43:41,765 --> 00:43:43,708 You were above mundane worries 432 00:43:44,998 --> 00:43:47,268 and left all problems to your Charlotte. 433 00:43:48,840 --> 00:43:55,333 3,735,866 francs. 434 00:43:57,418 --> 00:44:00,714 To think you had so much money. Who'd have thought it? 435 00:44:03,658 --> 00:44:06,593 And you leave it all to your old Charlotte. 436 00:44:09,515 --> 00:44:11,719 I've got a little nest egg, too. 437 00:44:14,155 --> 00:44:17,003 Together, it comes to over five million. 438 00:44:18,092 --> 00:44:19,750 What am I going to do with so much money? 439 00:44:20,780 --> 00:44:24,490 I'll buy a nice car for Viktor and Eva. 440 00:44:24,653 --> 00:44:28,516 They can't drive around in that old rattle-trap. 441 00:44:28,686 --> 00:44:31,621 On Monday we'll go into town and look at a new car. 442 00:44:32,174 --> 00:44:37,128 It'll cheer them up. Me too. 443 00:44:37,294 --> 00:44:41,964 "She offered him the red flower of her virginity. 444 00:44:42,127 --> 00:44:44,746 "He accepted it without enthusiasm..." 445 00:44:47,440 --> 00:44:50,986 What trash! 446 00:44:51,985 --> 00:44:55,847 Adam was quite an idiot, he was, 447 00:44:56,017 --> 00:44:58,865 even if he did nearly commit suicide because of me. 448 00:45:02,962 --> 00:45:07,370 Supposing I buy a new carfor myself and give them the Mercedes? 449 00:45:07,891 --> 00:45:11,917 Then I can fly to Paris 450 00:45:12,083 --> 00:45:17,834 and buy a carthere and won't have to drive all that way. 451 00:45:18,516 --> 00:45:21,332 Tomorrow, I must get down to Ravel. 452 00:45:22,037 --> 00:45:27,372 It's disgraceful how lazy I've been of late. 453 00:46:22,876 --> 00:46:25,244 Mama, what's happened? 454 00:46:25,917 --> 00:46:29,430 I heard you call out, and you were not in your room. 455 00:46:29,597 --> 00:46:34,584 I'm sorry to wake you, but I had such a horrible dream... 456 00:46:35,422 --> 00:46:39,132 I can't remember it. -Shall I keepyou company? 457 00:46:39,295 --> 00:46:44,052 No thank you, dear. You go back to bed. 458 00:46:44,224 --> 00:46:45,434 Very well. 459 00:46:49,088 --> 00:46:52,088 -You do like me, don't you? -You are my mother. 460 00:46:53,536 --> 00:46:55,195 That's one way of answering. 461 00:47:05,218 --> 00:47:08,000 -Do you like me? -I love you. 462 00:47:08,163 --> 00:47:09,723 Do you? 463 00:47:10,339 --> 00:47:14,747 I broke off my career to stay at home with you and papa. 464 00:47:14,915 --> 00:47:20,033 Your back prevented you from practicing six hours a day. 465 00:47:20,196 --> 00:47:24,637 Your playing gotworse and so did your reviews. 466 00:47:24,805 --> 00:47:28,067 Have you forgotten it? -No, but Eva... 467 00:47:28,229 --> 00:47:30,368 I don't know which I hated more 468 00:47:30,533 --> 00:47:33,217 when you were at home or when you were on tour. 469 00:47:34,309 --> 00:47:38,020 I realize now you made life hell for papa and me. 470 00:47:38,183 --> 00:47:41,052 Your father and I were very happy. 471 00:47:41,223 --> 00:47:44,453 I'd have done anything for him. 472 00:47:44,615 --> 00:47:50,180 -You were unfaithful to him. -I was not! 473 00:47:50,344 --> 00:47:53,344 I was quite honest with Josef. 474 00:47:53,512 --> 00:47:56,327 I fell in love with Martin and lived with him for 8 months. 475 00:47:57,865 --> 00:48:03,681 It wasn't a bed of roses. -It was I who had to sit with papa in the evenings. 476 00:48:03,850 --> 00:48:09,634 It was I who had to comfort him to keep repeating that you did love him 477 00:48:09,802 --> 00:48:12,421 just the same, that you were sure to come back. 478 00:48:14,251 --> 00:48:17,765 I read your letters out loud. 479 00:48:17,931 --> 00:48:22,209 Your long, loving, amusing letters in which you told us 480 00:48:22,380 --> 00:48:24,388 of your interesting travels. 481 00:48:26,060 --> 00:48:30,284 We sat there like two idiots reading your letters 482 00:48:30,446 --> 00:48:34,953 over and over. We thought a more wonderful person didn't exist. 483 00:48:36,238 --> 00:48:40,068 You hate me. 484 00:48:45,135 --> 00:48:51,563 I don't know. I looked forward so much to your coming. 485 00:48:51,728 --> 00:48:53,637 I don't know what I was imagining. 486 00:48:54,832 --> 00:48:57,702 Maybe I thought you were lonely and sad. 487 00:48:58,289 --> 00:49:00,297 I'm so confused. 488 00:49:01,266 --> 00:49:05,707 I thought I was grown up and could look clearly at you and me 489 00:49:05,873 --> 00:49:08,143 and Helena's illness and our childhood. 490 00:49:10,930 --> 00:49:13,297 Now it's all one big muddle. 491 00:49:31,638 --> 00:49:35,315 It's all right now. Wake up. 492 00:49:45,399 --> 00:49:48,695 I'll sit here with you until you go to sleep. 493 00:50:52,576 --> 00:50:56,471 Toyou, I was a doll you played with when you had time. 494 00:50:58,337 --> 00:51:02,527 if I was sickor naughty,you handed me over to your nursemaid. 495 00:51:04,514 --> 00:51:07,514 You shut yourself in and worked, 496 00:51:07,682 --> 00:51:09,406 and no one was allowed to disturb you. 497 00:51:10,338 --> 00:51:12,477 I used to stand outside, listening. 498 00:51:13,443 --> 00:51:17,818 When you'd stop for coffee, I'd go in to see if you really existed. 499 00:51:18,916 --> 00:51:22,658 You were always kind, but your mind was elsewhere. 500 00:51:24,036 --> 00:51:26,556 if I spoke, you'd hardly answer. 501 00:51:28,132 --> 00:51:29,539 Thank you. 502 00:51:48,743 --> 00:51:50,783 Mama wants to be left alone now. 503 00:51:50,952 --> 00:51:53,025 Run along and play outside. It's such a lovely day. 504 00:52:08,778 --> 00:52:11,266 You always looked so nice, so I wanted to be nice. 505 00:52:12,427 --> 00:52:17,129 I always worried that you wouldn't like my appearance. 506 00:52:18,635 --> 00:52:22,792 I was so ugly. Lean and angular with big cow's eyes, 507 00:52:22,955 --> 00:52:28,619 and big wide lips and no eyebrows. 508 00:52:28,780 --> 00:52:32,163 My arms were too thin and my feet too big. 509 00:52:32,333 --> 00:52:34,439 No, I thought I looked repulsive. 510 00:52:36,014 --> 00:52:40,291 Once you said: "You should have been a boy, " 511 00:52:40,462 --> 00:52:43,845 and laughed so I wouldn't be upset. 512 00:52:44,015 --> 00:52:50,126 I was, of course. Then one day your suitcases would be downstairs 513 00:52:50,288 --> 00:52:54,031 and you'd be talking on the phone in a foreign language. 514 00:52:55,056 --> 00:52:59,148 I used to pray that something would stop you from going, 515 00:53:00,433 --> 00:53:02,026 but you always went. 516 00:53:03,185 --> 00:53:06,982 You'd put your arms around me and kiss me 517 00:53:07,154 --> 00:53:12,272 and look at me and smile. 518 00:53:12,434 --> 00:53:15,817 You smelled nice but strange. 519 00:53:15,987 --> 00:53:20,428 You yourself were a stranger, already on your way. You didn't see me. 520 00:53:22,356 --> 00:53:28,336 Then you'd be gone. I used to think, "Now I'll die, 521 00:53:28,596 --> 00:53:32,241 it hurts so much. I'll never be happy again. 522 00:53:33,333 --> 00:53:37,327 How can I bear such pain for two months?" 523 00:53:47,991 --> 00:53:52,432 And I'd cry in papa's lap. He'd sit quite still 524 00:53:52,599 --> 00:53:55,796 with his soft hand on my head. 525 00:53:55,960 --> 00:54:01,046 He'd go on and on sitting there smoking his old pipe. 526 00:54:02,105 --> 00:54:07,539 Sometimes he'd say, "Let's go to a movie this evening, "or 527 00:54:07,705 --> 00:54:09,810 "What about ice cream for dinner today? " 528 00:54:11,802 --> 00:54:15,064 But all I wanted was to die. 529 00:54:19,291 --> 00:54:22,674 So the days and weeks passed. 530 00:54:23,035 --> 00:54:25,425 We shared the loneliness quite well. 531 00:54:26,844 --> 00:54:28,852 We didn't have much to say 532 00:54:29,021 --> 00:54:31,738 but I never disturbed him. 533 00:54:33,405 --> 00:54:35,544 Sometimes he'd look worried. I didn't know then 534 00:54:35,709 --> 00:54:40,182 that he was always short of money. But whenever I'd come 535 00:54:40,349 --> 00:54:44,027 clumping along, his face would brighten, 536 00:54:44,190 --> 00:54:48,085 and he'd pat me with his pale little hand. 537 00:54:49,375 --> 00:54:54,842 Or else Uncle Otto would be sitting on the sofa, drinking brandy. 538 00:54:55,136 --> 00:54:57,591 They'd mumble to each other. 539 00:54:58,016 --> 00:55:00,155 I wonder if they heard what they said. 540 00:55:01,376 --> 00:55:04,824 Or else Uncle Harry would be there and they'd play chess, 541 00:55:06,273 --> 00:55:09,590 and then it'd be extra quiet. 542 00:55:10,946 --> 00:55:14,525 I could hear three different clocks ticking. 543 00:55:18,435 --> 00:55:20,574 A few days before you were due home 544 00:55:21,380 --> 00:55:24,031 I'd get a temperature from the excitement. 545 00:55:24,196 --> 00:55:27,011 I'd worry I might really get sick, 546 00:55:27,172 --> 00:55:29,212 because you were afraid of sick people. 547 00:55:31,333 --> 00:55:35,228 When you did come, I was so happy 548 00:55:35,397 --> 00:55:40,318 I couldn't say anything. You'd get impatient and say, 549 00:55:40,485 --> 00:55:44,064 "Eva doesn'tseem very pleased to have her mother home again. " 550 00:55:45,350 --> 00:55:50,588 I'd blush redas a beet and break out in a sweat. 551 00:55:51,015 --> 00:55:55,358 I couldn't say anything, I had no words. 552 00:55:56,776 --> 00:56:00,770 You had taken charge of all the words in our home. 553 00:56:00,937 --> 00:56:04,515 -You're exaggerating. -I must finish speaking. 554 00:56:04,681 --> 00:56:09,603 I know I'm tipsy but otherwise I wouldn't have said what I have. 555 00:56:09,770 --> 00:56:13,600 When I don't dare say any more because I'm ashamed 556 00:56:13,770 --> 00:56:18,790 you can explain and I'll listen and understand 557 00:56:18,955 --> 00:56:20,580 just as I've always done. 558 00:56:25,259 --> 00:56:29,450 I loved you, Mama, it was a matter of life and death. 559 00:56:29,612 --> 00:56:32,034 But I distrusted your words. 560 00:56:32,717 --> 00:56:35,335 They didn't match the expression in your eyes. 561 00:56:36,622 --> 00:56:38,509 You have a beautiful voice. When I was little, 562 00:56:38,669 --> 00:56:41,965 I could feel it all over my body. 563 00:56:42,126 --> 00:56:45,924 But I knew instinctively you didn't mean what you said. 564 00:56:48,302 --> 00:56:50,310 I couldn't understand your words. 565 00:56:53,167 --> 00:56:56,746 The most horrible thing was, you'd smile when you were mad. 566 00:56:57,424 --> 00:57:00,010 When you hated papa you'd call him 567 00:57:00,176 --> 00:57:05,032 "my dearest." When you were tired ofmeyou'd say 568 00:57:05,201 --> 00:57:07,176 "darling little girl." 569 00:57:23,091 --> 00:57:24,368 How quiet. 570 00:57:26,644 --> 00:57:28,018 What am I to say? 571 00:57:29,556 --> 00:57:33,331 -Defend yourself. -Is it worth while? 572 00:57:35,637 --> 00:57:39,216 -How do I know? -You reproach me for going away 573 00:57:39,382 --> 00:57:41,008 and for staying at home. 574 00:57:42,486 --> 00:57:46,196 I had a hell of a time those years. 575 00:57:48,119 --> 00:57:54,481 My back hurt, I couldn't practice. Important engagements were cancelled. 576 00:57:54,648 --> 00:57:57,365 My life seemed meaningless. 577 00:57:57,528 --> 00:58:02,035 I had a guilty conscience about always being away from you and papa. 578 00:58:03,160 --> 00:58:08,017 You smile sarcastically. I'm trying to speak truthfully. 579 00:58:08,281 --> 00:58:11,381 I'm merely telling you how I felt. 580 00:58:12,218 --> 00:58:15,252 We may as well have this out for once then we won't refer to it again. 581 00:58:18,714 --> 00:58:20,307 Go on. 582 00:58:25,212 --> 00:58:29,009 I was in Hamburg, playing Beethoven's First. 583 00:58:29,180 --> 00:58:33,785 It's not too difficult, and everything had gone well. 584 00:58:33,949 --> 00:58:37,113 After the concert I went out to supper with Schmiess, the conductor. 585 00:58:37,277 --> 00:58:42,067 We always did. When we'd been eating and drinking for a while 586 00:58:42,238 --> 00:58:46,133 and I was content and relaxed 587 00:58:46,302 --> 00:58:50,678 and my back wasn't aching, Schmiess said, 588 00:58:53,503 --> 00:58:56,024 "Why don't you stay at home with your husband 589 00:58:56,192 --> 00:58:59,934 and child and lead a respectable life, 590 00:59:00,544 --> 00:59:03,927 instead of laying yourself open to constant humiliation?" 591 00:59:07,393 --> 00:59:11,867 I stared at him and laughed and said, 592 00:59:12,033 --> 00:59:16,311 "Did I play so badly?" "No," he said 593 00:59:16,482 --> 00:59:23,226 "but I can't help thinking of August 18, 1934. 594 00:59:25,796 --> 00:59:29,986 "We played Beethoven's First together in Linz. 595 00:59:30,884 --> 00:59:34,561 "You were twenty years old, the hall was packed, 596 00:59:34,724 --> 00:59:37,758 "we played like gods, the orchestra was inspired. 597 00:59:38,917 --> 00:59:42,627 "Afterwards, the audience stood up and cheered 598 00:59:42,789 --> 00:59:44,350 "and the orchestra gave a fanfare." 599 00:59:49,382 --> 00:59:53,245 Then he said "You had a simple red summer dress 600 00:59:53,415 --> 00:59:55,270 "and long hair to your waist." 601 00:59:58,151 --> 01:00:00,672 "How do you remember all that?" I asked. 602 01:00:02,024 --> 01:00:04,610 "I wrote it down in my score," he said. 603 01:00:05,640 --> 01:00:08,543 "I make a note of all my great experiences." 604 01:00:11,753 --> 01:00:14,306 When I got back to the hotel, I couldn't sleep. 605 01:00:15,914 --> 01:00:18,303 At three in the morning I phoned Josef 606 01:00:18,474 --> 01:00:21,671 and told him I was going to stop touring, 607 01:00:22,699 --> 01:00:26,409 and stay at home with him and you. We'd be a real family. 608 01:00:30,795 --> 01:00:33,284 Josef was awfully happy. 609 01:00:34,508 --> 01:00:36,549 We wept with emotion, both of us, 610 01:00:38,381 --> 01:00:40,203 and talked for two hours. 611 01:00:40,941 --> 01:00:44,291 And that was that. That summer 612 01:00:44,462 --> 01:00:47,015 we were happy. Weren't we? 613 01:00:52,686 --> 01:00:55,240 You weren't happy? -No. 614 01:00:55,407 --> 01:00:57,447 You said things had never been so good. 615 01:01:01,552 --> 01:01:03,440 I said it to please you. 616 01:01:09,009 --> 01:01:14,825 That just goes to show. What did I dowrong? 617 01:01:14,994 --> 01:01:19,020 I was fourteen and you directed the whole of your 618 01:01:19,186 --> 01:01:21,642 pent-up energy against me. 619 01:01:22,802 --> 01:01:25,258 You were damn well going to make up 620 01:01:25,427 --> 01:01:27,849 for your neglect. 621 01:01:28,019 --> 01:01:30,867 I tried to defend myself, but I didn't' have a chance. 622 01:01:31,028 --> 01:01:36,299 You trotted out your thoughtfulness and your worried voice. 623 01:01:36,469 --> 01:01:41,739 There wasn't one detail that escaped your loving energy. 624 01:01:42,229 --> 01:01:45,775 I had a stoop. You got to work with gymnastics. 625 01:01:45,941 --> 01:01:49,619 We did exercises together. 626 01:01:49,782 --> 01:01:53,197 You thought my hair was too long, 627 01:01:53,366 --> 01:01:56,596 so you had it cut short. It was hideous. 628 01:01:57,015 --> 01:01:59,666 Then you got the idea my teeth were crooked 629 01:01:59,832 --> 01:02:03,062 so I got braces. I looked grotesque. 630 01:02:03,224 --> 01:02:06,224 You said I couldn't go around in pants any longer 631 01:02:06,393 --> 01:02:11,150 so you had dresses made without asking what I thought. 632 01:02:11,321 --> 01:02:15,478 I didn't dare say no because I didn'twant to upset you. 633 01:02:17,050 --> 01:02:20,880 You brought along books for me 634 01:02:21,051 --> 01:02:24,793 which I didn't understand. I read and read, then you 635 01:02:24,955 --> 01:02:28,817 and I had to discuss it. You'd hold forth and my mind was a blank. 636 01:02:28,988 --> 01:02:32,087 I was scared you'd expose 637 01:02:32,252 --> 01:02:35,416 my stupidity. 638 01:02:35,580 --> 01:02:39,574 But one thing I did Understand: not a shred 639 01:02:39,741 --> 01:02:43,997 ofthe real me could be loved or accepted. 640 01:02:44,157 --> 01:02:48,729 You were obsessed and I grew more and more afraid and annihilated. 641 01:02:48,894 --> 01:02:53,118 I said what you wanted me to say and made your gestures. 642 01:02:53,279 --> 01:02:56,279 I didn't dare to be myself even when I was alone 643 01:02:56,447 --> 01:03:00,888 because I hated what was my own. 644 01:03:02,368 --> 01:03:08,032 It was horrible, Mama! I still shake all over 645 01:03:08,193 --> 01:03:12,601 when I think of those years. It was horrible. 646 01:03:16,610 --> 01:03:22,207 I didn't realize I hated you as I was quite surewe loved each other. 647 01:03:22,626 --> 01:03:27,613 I couldn't hate you, so my hatred turned into an insane fear. 648 01:03:27,779 --> 01:03:30,649 I had nightmares. 649 01:03:30,820 --> 01:03:33,024 I bit my nails. 650 01:03:34,148 --> 01:03:37,531 I pulled out tufts of hair. 651 01:03:37,701 --> 01:03:41,313 I tried to scream but could only make stifled grunts. 652 01:03:41,477 --> 01:03:43,779 That frightened me even more 653 01:03:43,941 --> 01:03:47,357 as I thought I was going out ofmy mind. 654 01:04:01,864 --> 01:04:04,166 Then came Stefan. -And madeyou pregnant. 655 01:04:04,328 --> 01:04:09,086 I was 18. Stefan was grown-up. We could have managed. 656 01:04:09,256 --> 01:04:14,625 -No! -We wanted to have the child but you spoiled everything. 657 01:04:14,794 --> 01:04:17,477 That's not true! I said to papa 658 01:04:17,674 --> 01:04:23,304 "We should wait and see." You didn't realize Stefan was an idiot. 659 01:04:23,466 --> 01:04:27,940 Were you present at our discussions? 660 01:04:28,107 --> 01:04:33,443 Were you lurking under our bed? 661 01:04:33,611 --> 01:04:38,468 Have you ever given a damn about any living soul except yourself? 662 01:04:38,637 --> 01:04:41,953 I didn't force you into an abortion. 663 01:04:42,125 --> 01:04:47,079 How could I defy you? I was afraid and needed help. 664 01:04:47,246 --> 01:04:51,109 I tried to help you. I thought abortion was the only way. 665 01:04:51,278 --> 01:04:56,647 I've thought so all along. All this hatred! 666 01:04:56,815 --> 01:05:00,012 Why have you never said anything? -Because you never listen. 667 01:05:00,176 --> 01:05:05,446 You're a goddamn escapist. You're emotionally crippled. 668 01:05:05,616 --> 01:05:08,845 In actual fact you detest me and Helena. 669 01:05:09,009 --> 01:05:11,660 You're shut up inside yourself 670 01:05:11,825 --> 01:05:14,640 and always stand in your own light. 671 01:05:14,961 --> 01:05:17,231 I loved you, but you thought I was disgusting 672 01:05:18,194 --> 01:05:23,245 and stupid and a failure. 673 01:05:23,410 --> 01:05:26,128 You managed to injure me for life, 674 01:05:26,291 --> 01:05:29,106 just as you are injured. 675 01:05:29,267 --> 01:05:32,431 All that was sensitive and delicate, you attacked. 676 01:05:32,595 --> 01:05:35,825 All that was alive, you tried to smother. 677 01:05:49,365 --> 01:05:51,438 You talk of my hatred. 678 01:05:53,847 --> 01:05:56,083 Your hatred was no less. 679 01:06:00,535 --> 01:06:02,674 Your hatred is no less. 680 01:06:04,984 --> 01:06:10,386 I was little and malleable and loving. 681 01:06:10,553 --> 01:06:14,033 You bound me because you wanted my love 682 01:06:14,201 --> 01:06:18,741 just as you want everyone else's love. 683 01:06:18,906 --> 01:06:21,241 I was utterly at your mercy. 684 01:06:23,482 --> 01:06:26,832 It was all done in the name of love. 685 01:06:27,258 --> 01:06:31,001 You kept saying you loved me and papa and Helena. 686 01:06:32,027 --> 01:06:35,476 And you were an expert at love's intonations and gestures. 687 01:06:39,164 --> 01:06:41,499 People like you are a menace. 688 01:06:43,421 --> 01:06:46,455 You should be locked away and rendered harmless. 689 01:07:03,840 --> 01:07:05,396 A mother and a daughter. 690 01:07:11,722 --> 01:07:15,933 What a terrible combination 691 01:07:16,700 --> 01:07:21,607 of feelings and confusion and destruction. 692 01:07:23,497 --> 01:07:28,056 Everything is possible and is done in the name oflove and solicitude. 693 01:07:31,155 --> 01:07:35,334 The mother's injuries are to be handed down to the daughter. 694 01:07:37,347 --> 01:07:40,567 The mother's failures are to be paid for by the daughter. 695 01:07:42,963 --> 01:07:46,978 The mother's unhappiness is to be the daughter's unhappiness. 696 01:07:48,803 --> 01:07:52,469 It's as if the umbilical cord had never been cut. 697 01:07:55,695 --> 01:07:59,906 Is it so? 698 01:08:02,907 --> 01:08:05,747 Is the daughter's misfortune the mother's triumph? 699 01:08:13,534 --> 01:08:18,822 Is my grief your secret pleasure? 700 01:09:10,400 --> 01:09:13,523 My back's aching. 701 01:09:15,410 --> 01:09:17,314 Do you mind if I lie on the floor, 702 01:09:19,112 --> 01:09:20,798 it's the only thing that helps. 703 01:09:24,696 --> 01:09:26,992 I remember very little of my childhood. 704 01:09:28,398 --> 01:09:32,000 I can't recall my parents ever having touched me, 705 01:09:32,546 --> 01:09:35,799 either with caresses or punishments. 706 01:09:37,142 --> 01:09:41,385 I was quite ignorant of everything to do with love: 707 01:09:41,546 --> 01:09:46,268 tenderness, contact, intimacy, warmth. 708 01:09:49,714 --> 01:09:54,818 Only through music did I have a chance to show my feelings. 709 01:09:57,948 --> 01:10:00,243 Sometimes, when I lie awake at night 710 01:10:01,969 --> 01:10:04,808 I wonder whether I've lived at all. 711 01:10:06,851 --> 01:10:09,658 Is it the same for everybody? 712 01:10:10,521 --> 01:10:15,048 Or do some people have a greater talent for living than others. 713 01:10:15,659 --> 01:10:19,391 Or do some people never live 714 01:10:21,020 --> 01:10:22,924 but just exist? 715 01:10:26,604 --> 01:10:32,697 Then I'm seized by fear. 716 01:10:33,625 --> 01:10:36,301 I'm seized by fear and see a horrible picture of myself. 717 01:10:37,486 --> 01:10:39,651 I have never grown up. 718 01:10:40,358 --> 01:10:43,165 My face and my body have aged. 719 01:10:45,591 --> 01:10:48,072 I acquire memories and experiences, 720 01:10:49,262 --> 01:10:53,821 but inside all that I haven't even been born. 721 01:10:57,176 --> 01:10:59,374 I can't remember any faces 722 01:11:01,132 --> 01:11:02,819 not even my own. 723 01:11:04,866 --> 01:11:08,914 Sometimes, I try to recall my mother's face 724 01:11:10,131 --> 01:11:16,344 but I can't see her. I know she was big and dark and had blue eyes, 725 01:11:16,705 --> 01:11:20,524 a large nose and full lips. 726 01:11:21,556 --> 01:11:24,515 But I can't fit the various bits together. 727 01:11:28,353 --> 01:11:30,801 I can't see her. In the same way, 728 01:11:30,970 --> 01:11:35,115 I can't see your face or Helena's or Leonardo's. 729 01:11:35,469 --> 01:11:38,179 I remember giving birth to you and your sister but 730 01:11:38,341 --> 01:11:44,206 all I know of the deliveries is that they hurt. 731 01:11:46,000 --> 01:11:49,307 But the pain? What was that like? 732 01:11:51,520 --> 01:11:53,370 I don't remember. 733 01:11:57,041 --> 01:11:58,792 Leonardo once said that... 734 01:12:00,392 --> 01:12:03,383 how did he put it now... 735 01:12:03,997 --> 01:12:08,426 "A sense of reality is a matter of talent. 736 01:12:09,678 --> 01:12:15,478 "Most people lack that talent and maybe it's just as well." 737 01:12:17,720 --> 01:12:22,214 Doyou know what he meant? -Yes, I do. 738 01:12:25,219 --> 01:12:28,722 How very strange. -Strange? 739 01:12:30,261 --> 01:12:34,656 I've always been afraid of you. -I can't understand that. 740 01:12:34,888 --> 01:12:38,522 I think I wanted you to take care of me. 741 01:12:39,643 --> 01:12:43,114 To put your arms around me and comfort me. 742 01:12:44,143 --> 01:12:45,665 I was a child. 743 01:12:49,567 --> 01:12:52,081 Does that matter? -No. 744 01:12:52,822 --> 01:12:54,791 I saw you loved me 745 01:12:56,077 --> 01:12:58,047 and I wanted to love you, but 746 01:12:58,981 --> 01:13:02,865 I was afraid of your demands. 747 01:13:04,853 --> 01:13:08,672 -I didn't have any. -I thought you did. 748 01:13:10,948 --> 01:13:12,950 I didn't want to be your mother. 749 01:13:14,522 --> 01:13:17,645 I wanted you to know I was as helpless as you were. 750 01:13:19,500 --> 01:13:20,990 Is that really true? 751 01:13:39,636 --> 01:13:42,922 -What are you thinking about? -Leonardo and Helena. 752 01:13:44,551 --> 01:13:45,758 I don't understand. 753 01:13:47,135 --> 01:13:48,886 Why, they hardly knew each other. 754 01:13:50,806 --> 01:13:55,941 We were together on Bornholm one Easter. -You left after 3 days. 755 01:13:56,102 --> 01:13:59,192 I was to play Bartok's First in Geneva. 756 01:13:59,358 --> 01:14:04,047 I wanted to go through the concerto with the conductor in peace an quiet. 757 01:14:05,166 --> 01:14:08,288 So it's possible I did leave earlier. 758 01:14:08,547 --> 01:14:13,107 The weatherwas hideous. Leonardo was in a bad mood. So were you. 759 01:14:15,632 --> 01:14:19,234 Why make me remember it all? 760 01:14:19,430 --> 01:14:20,986 I'll tell you. 761 01:14:22,525 --> 01:14:26,540 You arrived on Thursday. That evening we laughed 762 01:14:26,705 --> 01:14:29,599 and sang and drank wine and played 763 01:14:29,769 --> 01:14:31,999 some old game we found. 764 01:14:32,769 --> 01:14:35,282 Helena wasn't so ill then. She was 765 01:14:35,450 --> 01:14:37,451 happy all evening. 766 01:14:38,449 --> 01:14:40,516 Leonardo was happy because she was. 767 01:14:40,683 --> 01:14:44,154 He talked and joked with her. 768 01:14:45,661 --> 01:14:48,272 She fell head over heels in love. 769 01:14:49,011 --> 01:14:51,557 They sat together until late at night. 770 01:14:52,937 --> 01:14:58,388 Next day Helena told me he had kissed her. 771 01:15:07,073 --> 01:15:08,956 In the evening we had guests. 772 01:15:10,201 --> 01:15:15,206 Leonardo drank too much and played all the Bach solo suites. 773 01:15:16,774 --> 01:15:19,668 He was quite unlike himself, 774 01:15:19,838 --> 01:15:22,449 heavy and gentle and as if enlarged. 775 01:15:24,114 --> 01:15:27,552 He played badly but beautifully. 776 01:15:29,412 --> 01:15:32,469 Helena sat there in the dusk, beaming. 777 01:15:32,635 --> 01:15:34,452 I've never seen anything like it. 778 01:16:27,107 --> 01:16:31,057 You and I went for a walk. You chattered away. 779 01:16:31,224 --> 01:16:34,923 I didn't really listen. I was thinking of those two. 780 01:16:37,765 --> 01:16:42,455 When we got home, they were sitting as we'd left them. 781 01:16:42,616 --> 01:16:48,894 You went offto bed and I had to help Leonardo upstairs. 782 01:16:50,306 --> 01:16:52,917 Outside the door of the bedroom 783 01:16:53,083 --> 01:16:56,902 he stopped, looked at me and said, 784 01:16:58,987 --> 01:17:02,360 "Can you imagine? There's a butterfly 785 01:17:02,529 --> 01:17:05,619 "fluttering against the window." 786 01:17:07,411 --> 01:17:12,351 When I went back to Helena, she was sitting 787 01:17:12,517 --> 01:17:16,020 bolt upright, quite relaxed and calm. 788 01:17:17,144 --> 01:17:21,768 There wasn't a trace of her illness. 789 01:17:25,824 --> 01:17:28,054 I'll never forget her face, Mama. 790 01:17:32,558 --> 01:17:34,918 I 'll never forget her face. 791 01:17:39,322 --> 01:17:41,520 Next morning you left for Geneva, 792 01:17:42,865 --> 01:17:46,052 four days earlier than we had agreed. 793 01:17:47,269 --> 01:17:50,674 You said casually on Leaving, "I've asked Leonardo 794 01:17:50,843 --> 01:17:54,825 to stay, as I see it's doing Helena good." 795 01:17:54,991 --> 01:17:56,873 And you smiled. 796 01:17:58,916 --> 01:18:02,734 Leonardo abruptly became restless and unhappy. 797 01:18:10,053 --> 01:18:14,709 On Easter Day he went for a long walk in the rain. When he came back, 798 01:18:14,872 --> 01:18:20,867 he told Helena he was leaving. He said they'd meet again. 799 01:18:21,892 --> 01:18:26,613 Then he called Geneva and talked to you for an hour. 800 01:18:27,860 --> 01:18:31,624 That evening he left on the last plane. 801 01:18:44,900 --> 01:18:47,576 During the night I was woken by Helena crying. 802 01:18:49,145 --> 01:18:52,170 She complained of pain in her hip and right leg. 803 01:18:53,932 --> 01:18:56,706 She didn't think she could stand it until morning. 804 01:18:58,303 --> 01:19:01,262 At 5 o'clock I had to phone for the ambulance. 805 01:19:05,451 --> 01:19:10,010 -So Lena's illness was my fault? -Yes, I think so. 806 01:19:14,003 --> 01:19:17,507 -You mean that her illness... -Yes. 807 01:19:21,120 --> 01:19:26,124 -You don't seriously mean... -When Lena was a year old you deserted her. 808 01:19:27,885 --> 01:19:30,213 Then you kept deserting her and me all the time. 809 01:19:32,257 --> 01:19:35,825 When Lena got seriously ill, you sent her to a home. 810 01:19:36,884 --> 01:19:39,723 -It can't be true... -What can't be true? 811 01:19:41,799 --> 01:19:44,247 Have you any proof to the contrary? 812 01:19:47,192 --> 01:19:51,848 Look at me, Mama. Look at Helena. 813 01:19:54,627 --> 01:19:56,792 There are no excuses. 814 01:19:58,743 --> 01:20:03,335 There is only one truth and one lie. 815 01:20:04,806 --> 01:20:07,069 There can be no forgiveness. 816 01:20:07,774 --> 01:20:13,737 -You can't blame me entirely. -You expect an exception foryou. 817 01:20:15,752 --> 01:20:18,777 You've set up a sort of discount system with life 818 01:20:21,401 --> 01:20:26,275 but one day you'll see that your agreement is one-sided. 819 01:20:28,102 --> 01:20:31,322 You'll see you're harboring a guilt, just like everyone else. 820 01:20:33,176 --> 01:20:35,058 What guilt? 821 01:20:40,324 --> 01:20:41,945 Eva darling. 822 01:20:43,866 --> 01:20:46,445 Won't you forgive me for all the wrong I've done? 823 01:20:48,429 --> 01:20:50,279 I'll try to mend my ways. 824 01:20:52,227 --> 01:20:55,665 You've got to teach me, we'll talk to each other. 825 01:20:58,289 --> 01:21:01,477 But help me. I can't go on. 826 01:21:02,662 --> 01:21:04,696 Your hatred is so terrible. 827 01:21:06,587 --> 01:21:12,071 I haven't realized. I've been selfish and childish. 828 01:21:16,032 --> 01:21:17,653 Can't you put your arms around me? 829 01:21:19,703 --> 01:21:21,585 Touch me, at least! 830 01:21:24,425 --> 01:21:26,112 Help me! 831 01:21:29,148 --> 01:21:31,792 Mama! 832 01:21:34,477 --> 01:21:35,423 Come! 833 01:21:36,838 --> 01:21:38,045 Help me! 834 01:21:39,615 --> 01:21:41,137 Mama! 835 01:21:44,210 --> 01:21:45,156 Come! 836 01:22:28,663 --> 01:22:32,928 Poor little Mama, rushing off like that. 837 01:22:34,183 --> 01:22:38,579 She looked so frightened and suddenly so old and tired. 838 01:22:39,864 --> 01:22:44,640 Her face had shrunk and her nose was red from crying. 839 01:22:47,459 --> 01:22:49,341 Now I'll never see her again. 840 01:23:05,329 --> 01:23:08,636 It'll be dark soon, and it's getting cold. 841 01:23:10,244 --> 01:23:13,138 I've got to get home and make dinner for Viktor and Helena. 842 01:23:16,115 --> 01:23:17,899 I can't die now. 843 01:23:19,689 --> 01:23:21,984 I'm afraid to commit suicide, 844 01:23:23,902 --> 01:23:26,545 and one day maybe God will want to use me. 845 01:23:28,050 --> 01:23:30,116 Then he'll set me free from my prison. 846 01:23:46,941 --> 01:23:50,858 I feel so shut out, I'm always homesick. 847 01:23:51,026 --> 01:23:52,647 But when I get home 848 01:23:53,898 --> 01:23:56,824 I find it's something else I'm longing for. 849 01:23:59,833 --> 01:24:01,356 Are you stroking my cheek? 850 01:24:03,408 --> 01:24:05,159 Are you whispering in my ear? 851 01:24:07,078 --> 01:24:08,416 Are you with me now? 852 01:24:11,003 --> 01:24:13,516 We'll never leave each other. 853 01:24:47,318 --> 01:24:49,036 There's a light on in Helena's room. 854 01:24:50,860 --> 01:24:52,742 Viktor's there, talking to her. 855 01:24:54,179 --> 01:24:56,953 That's good. Kind of him. 856 01:24:58,997 --> 01:25:01,195 He's telling her Mama has left. 857 01:25:05,667 --> 01:25:07,549 Your mother sent her love. 858 01:25:08,188 --> 01:25:11,952 She was sad and worried. She'd been crying. 859 01:25:24,527 --> 01:25:27,682 Eva has gone for a walk. 860 01:25:28,259 --> 01:25:30,870 She was looking forward so much to seeing her mother. 861 01:25:32,153 --> 01:25:34,286 She hoped for too much. 862 01:25:35,153 --> 01:25:37,829 I hadn't the heart to warn her. 863 01:25:47,439 --> 01:25:50,246 I can't understand whatyou're saying. 864 01:25:53,279 --> 01:25:54,835 You say you want to...? 865 01:25:56,661 --> 01:25:59,914 Try to speak calmly, 866 01:26:00,076 --> 01:26:03,449 otherwise I can't understand. 867 01:26:08,915 --> 01:26:10,765 Eva! Come quickly! 868 01:26:28,413 --> 01:26:31,884 Sometimes I stand here looking at my wife 869 01:26:32,050 --> 01:26:34,150 without her knowing. 870 01:26:36,231 --> 01:26:37,884 She's in such distress. 871 01:26:38,816 --> 01:26:42,068 Since Charlotte left so suddenly 872 01:26:42,230 --> 01:26:44,199 she has been terribly upset. 873 01:26:45,996 --> 01:26:47,747 She has not been able to sleep. 874 01:26:48,740 --> 01:26:51,416 She says she drove her mother away 875 01:26:51,772 --> 01:26:53,839 and can never forgive herself. 876 01:26:54,229 --> 01:26:58,179 -Are you going out? -just down to the post office. 877 01:26:58,378 --> 01:27:01,087 Could you please mail this letter for me? 878 01:27:01,250 --> 01:27:04,851 Sure. It's to Charlotte? 879 01:27:05,015 --> 01:27:08,486 Read it if you like. I'm going up to Helena. 880 01:27:14,173 --> 01:27:18,057 "Dear Mama! I realize that I wronged you. 881 01:27:19,184 --> 01:27:22,175 "I met you with demands instead of affection. 882 01:27:22,949 --> 01:27:26,551 "I tormented you with an old hatred that's no longer real. 883 01:27:27,066 --> 01:27:30,353 "I want to ask your forgiveness." 884 01:27:30,768 --> 01:27:33,988 I don't know if this letter will reach you. 885 01:27:34,150 --> 01:27:36,250 I don't even know if you will read it. 886 01:27:38,044 --> 01:27:40,045 Maybe everything is already too late. 887 01:27:42,000 --> 01:27:46,657 But I hope all the same that my discovery will not be in vain. 888 01:27:47,840 --> 01:27:50,168 There is a kind of mercy after all. 889 01:27:50,903 --> 01:27:55,745 I mean the enormous opportunity of getting to take care of each other, 890 01:27:57,350 --> 01:27:59,167 to help each other, 891 01:28:00,636 --> 01:28:02,355 to show affection. 892 01:28:05,136 --> 01:28:08,291 I will never let you vanish out of my life again. 893 01:28:10,019 --> 01:28:11,868 I'm going to persist. 894 01:28:12,891 --> 01:28:16,557 I won't give up, even if it is too late. 895 01:28:17,741 --> 01:28:19,874 I don't think it is too late. 896 01:28:22,592 --> 01:28:24,757 It must not be too late.