1
00:00:23,733 --> 00:00:25,943
OLD MAN ON TV: (LAUGHING) Now
I'd like to show you how smart he is.
2
00:00:26,027 --> 00:00:28,446
Let's have some fun
and play Animal Quiz with Michael.
3
00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:31,407
(LAUGHING) Michael.
Come on, Michael.
4
00:00:31,490 --> 00:00:34,410
You see what a good trainer I am.
Oh, there he comes.
5
00:00:34,493 --> 00:00:35,745
I got the wrong end.
6
00:00:35,828 --> 00:00:38,497
Goats are distinguished
by a narrow head,
7
00:00:38,581 --> 00:00:43,336
a bearded chin,
in the male, a short upturned tail.
8
00:00:43,419 --> 00:00:46,589
It's been called the "poor man's cow"
9
00:00:46,672 --> 00:00:50,593
because it yields
more milk for its size...
10
00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:52,220
Jesus Christ!
11
00:00:52,303 --> 00:00:53,387
(BLEATING)
12
00:00:53,471 --> 00:00:54,680
God.
13
00:00:55,598 --> 00:00:56,766
(LAUGHING)
14
00:00:56,849 --> 00:00:58,100
It's all right.
15
00:00:58,184 --> 00:01:00,061
Ostriches are a pretty funny bird.
16
00:01:00,519 --> 00:01:03,356
They can't fly but they like to dance.
17
00:01:03,439 --> 00:01:07,109
(LAUGHS) And they don't really
bury their heads in the sand
18
00:01:07,193 --> 00:01:09,445
but they do eat stones and shirts.
19
00:01:09,528 --> 00:01:11,989
PETER: Look at my dad.
He was the king.
20
00:01:12,073 --> 00:01:16,160
I mean, no matter what happened,
I mean, he was as cool as a cucumber.
21
00:01:16,244 --> 00:01:21,958
He never forgot a line.
And he never let anything ruffle him.
22
00:01:22,041 --> 00:01:24,293
My dad was the king.
23
00:01:24,377 --> 00:01:28,214
No doubt.
And his TV show ruled the ratings.
24
00:01:31,842 --> 00:01:33,511
What was that?
25
00:01:33,761 --> 00:01:35,137
(COUGHING)
26
00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:37,807
Excuse me.
27
00:01:37,890 --> 00:01:41,477
It was a wildlife show
called Strange Wilderness.
28
00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:44,981
Yeah, you remember that?
Do you remember my dad?
29
00:01:45,064 --> 00:01:46,607
Oh, cool.
30
00:01:46,691 --> 00:01:49,652
Yeah, then he died
and then I took over the show,
31
00:01:49,735 --> 00:01:54,031
then it all went to hell and... I mean,
I'm nothing like my dad. Nothing at all.
32
00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:59,328
I don't know. I don't know
if it was like I wasn't bright enough or
33
00:01:59,412 --> 00:02:03,582
I didn't work hard enough or...
I used to smoke a lot of dope, so...
34
00:02:05,418 --> 00:02:08,254
No, I quit. Yeah, totally.
35
00:02:08,337 --> 00:02:10,131
What happened to the show?
36
00:02:10,214 --> 00:02:12,508
At first, it was great.
37
00:02:12,591 --> 00:02:16,137
I had a really good crew.
We were doing what we loved.
38
00:02:17,555 --> 00:02:18,889
But then...
39
00:02:22,351 --> 00:02:25,354
I don't know, things got a little strange.
40
00:02:25,438 --> 00:02:26,689
(EXHALES)
41
00:02:27,189 --> 00:02:29,483
(PUSHIN' ON PLAYING)
42
00:02:45,416 --> 00:02:47,877
All right, people, we're losing light!
43
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:52,882
We need animals on film.
We need animals on film now!
44
00:02:52,965 --> 00:02:56,677
Cooker! Look, I need the stinger tripod.
Break out the kreel.
45
00:02:56,761 --> 00:02:58,054
And I need a Mercury lens
46
00:02:58,137 --> 00:03:00,348
'cause I'm gonna reverse out
all the glass. Got it?
47
00:03:00,431 --> 00:03:01,599
Okay.
48
00:03:03,017 --> 00:03:05,478
It was a nice chat.
49
00:03:05,561 --> 00:03:08,397
-Talk to me, Milas. How we doing?
-MILAS: We're doing fine.
50
00:03:08,481 --> 00:03:11,359
A couple of more minutes.
This damn thing's stuck again.
51
00:03:11,442 --> 00:03:14,695
Hang on, people. I am picking up
an underwater bubbling sound.
52
00:03:14,779 --> 00:03:15,863
(BUBBLING)
53
00:03:15,946 --> 00:03:19,658
I'm not sure what it is,
but, I mean, it is bubbling furiously.
54
00:03:19,742 --> 00:03:21,577
Junior, knock it off.
55
00:03:21,660 --> 00:03:23,996
All right, whatever it was, it's gone now.
56
00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:25,164
Pete?
57
00:03:26,207 --> 00:03:29,293
This is my nephew, the kid
I was telling you about, you know?
58
00:03:29,377 --> 00:03:32,088
He's a little green
and he sure loves his herb
59
00:03:32,171 --> 00:03:36,050
but around you guys,
when in Rome, huh?
60
00:03:36,133 --> 00:03:38,928
All right, well, hey, any nephew of Milas'
is a nephew of mine.
61
00:03:39,011 --> 00:03:40,054
(LAUGHING)
62
00:03:40,137 --> 00:03:41,472
Hey, welcome aboard.
63
00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:42,932
Don't! No.
64
00:03:43,682 --> 00:03:45,309
-You okay?
-I'm okay.
65
00:03:45,393 --> 00:03:47,603
(GASPING) It's not
a good time for me right now.
66
00:03:47,686 --> 00:03:50,773
So, all right. Get into frame.
I think we're just about set.
67
00:03:50,856 --> 00:03:53,859
All righty. Be about right here.
68
00:03:53,943 --> 00:03:56,487
Fred, you got the stuff? Ready?
69
00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,489
-This is a bar napkin.
-Yeah.
70
00:03:58,572 --> 00:03:59,698
This is it?
71
00:03:59,782 --> 00:04:03,035
Our entire voice-over for our show
on bears is written on a cocktail napkin?
72
00:04:03,119 --> 00:04:06,038
Yeah, we wrote it last night
at P.J. Mahoney's.
73
00:04:06,247 --> 00:04:09,959
(STUTTERS)
"Bears are large and brown."
74
00:04:10,042 --> 00:04:12,086
All right. Come on.
75
00:04:12,169 --> 00:04:15,423
Not all bears are large.
How about baby bears?
76
00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:21,971
"Bears derive their name
from a football team in Chicago."
77
00:04:23,639 --> 00:04:27,059
No. It's the other way around.
78
00:04:27,143 --> 00:04:28,727
Jesus Christ, Fred, come on.
79
00:04:28,811 --> 00:04:29,895
(SIGHING)
80
00:04:29,979 --> 00:04:34,066
"It is estimated that bears kill
over two million salmon a year.
81
00:04:34,233 --> 00:04:37,653
"Attacks by salmon on bears
are much more rare."
82
00:04:40,739 --> 00:04:43,451
All right, that's gotta be true, right?
All right, let's go with that one.
83
00:04:43,534 --> 00:04:46,287
Let's get me standing here.
And on my count.
84
00:04:46,370 --> 00:04:50,541
Four, three, two, one, zero,
and I'm talking now.
85
00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:51,750
(BEEPS)
86
00:04:51,834 --> 00:04:53,085
Yes, the bear is a fierce animal...
87
00:04:53,169 --> 00:04:54,295
(BUBBLING)
88
00:04:54,378 --> 00:04:56,213
FRED: I hear that
weird bubbling sound again.
89
00:04:56,297 --> 00:04:57,590
It's not bubbling.
90
00:04:57,673 --> 00:05:00,092
MILAS: Junior, I said knock it off.
91
00:05:00,176 --> 00:05:05,473
Okay, ready? Keep rolling.
Three, two, one, go.
92
00:05:05,556 --> 00:05:09,643
Yes, the bear is a fierce animal,
much more fierce than we know.
93
00:05:09,727 --> 00:05:11,770
It is estimated that bears kill
over two mill...
94
00:05:11,854 --> 00:05:13,022
(JUNIOR BLOWING)
95
00:05:13,105 --> 00:05:14,940
FRED: We got fog rolling in, man.
96
00:05:15,024 --> 00:05:16,942
In a year.
97
00:05:17,026 --> 00:05:18,194
It's not fog.
98
00:05:18,277 --> 00:05:19,320
Milas, can you help me out here?
99
00:05:19,403 --> 00:05:21,864
MILAS: For God's sake,
Junior, just set the bong down.
100
00:05:21,947 --> 00:05:23,282
Thanks.
101
00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:26,535
All right, let's go.
And three, two, one, go.
102
00:05:26,619 --> 00:05:30,706
Yes, the bear is a fierce animal,
much more fierce than we know.
103
00:05:30,789 --> 00:05:34,877
It is estimated that bears kill
over two million salmon a year,
104
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:36,170
(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)
105
00:05:36,253 --> 00:05:40,883
Although attacks by salmon on bear
are much more fucking rare!
106
00:05:40,966 --> 00:05:42,009
Cut!
107
00:05:42,885 --> 00:05:44,011
FOREST RANGER
ON MEGAPHONE: Gaulke,
108
00:05:44,094 --> 00:05:48,933
how many times have we told you,
you can't shoot without a permit?
109
00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:52,061
You've got a $500 fine coming.
110
00:05:52,144 --> 00:05:54,939
Now, pack up your stuff
and leave the forest.
111
00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:57,733
By the way, this is fire season.
112
00:05:57,816 --> 00:06:02,112
Smokey the Bear says,
"Put out the bong!"
113
00:06:02,196 --> 00:06:05,241
Okay. Okay, thank you!
114
00:06:06,742 --> 00:06:09,954
Okay, let's take it from... Let's see...
115
00:06:10,037 --> 00:06:14,750
Let's see, from,
my time code says 08:40:22.
116
00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:18,837
We are cued up. Strange Wilderness,
episode 21, "Bear Elegance."
117
00:06:18,921 --> 00:06:20,589
We have sound speed now.
118
00:06:20,673 --> 00:06:24,677
PETER: Three, two, one,
push the button, go.
119
00:06:25,594 --> 00:06:27,096
Bears are a proud people,
120
00:06:27,179 --> 00:06:30,808
although they're not people per se,
they're animals.
121
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:35,354
Bears derived their name
from a football team in Chicago.
122
00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:37,731
Bears have been known to attack man,
123
00:06:37,815 --> 00:06:40,985
although the fact is that fewer people
have been killed by bears
124
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:45,447
than in all of World War I
and World War ll combined.
125
00:06:45,531 --> 00:06:47,616
Brown bears loves fishing...
126
00:06:47,700 --> 00:06:51,787
(CLEARS THROAT) Brown...
Brown bears bloves...
127
00:06:52,037 --> 00:06:54,290
God, why am I having so much trouble
saying "brown"?
128
00:06:54,373 --> 00:06:56,875
FRED: Maybe it's the two B's in
"brown bears." Try something different.
129
00:06:56,959 --> 00:06:58,961
PETER: I got it. I'm ready. Okay.
130
00:06:59,044 --> 00:07:00,254
Red bears love fish.
131
00:07:00,379 --> 00:07:01,422
(DOOR OPENING)
132
00:07:01,505 --> 00:07:03,841
DEBRA: Pete, you're late for your
meeting with Lawson down at K-PIP.
133
00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:06,677
PETER: Deb, we're in the middle
of a recording session,
134
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,680
so every fucking thing you say
is going down on tape.
135
00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:13,183
DEBRA: Oh, right, like you guys
ever care about that crap?
136
00:07:13,267 --> 00:07:15,352
PETER: Okay, stop recording.
137
00:07:15,436 --> 00:07:17,605
Turn it...
138
00:07:17,688 --> 00:07:20,816
Turn off everything.
Put away, put away everything.
139
00:07:23,319 --> 00:07:26,989
Okay, everything's shut off.
Now, Deb, what's so important?
140
00:07:27,072 --> 00:07:28,324
Your meeting with Lawson
141
00:07:28,407 --> 00:07:32,661
was supposed to start 20 minutes ago,
you stupid asshole.
142
00:07:32,745 --> 00:07:33,662
Shit.
143
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:38,667
Hey, fellas, I was bombed last night
at P.J. Maloney's.
144
00:07:38,751 --> 00:07:41,462
By the way, did you guys notice
any sediment in that tequila?
145
00:07:41,545 --> 00:07:45,341
'Cause some kind of pebble or rock
or something clogged up my penis hole
146
00:07:45,424 --> 00:07:46,759
and my Johnson swelled up
147
00:07:46,842 --> 00:07:49,762
like a fucking water balloon
hooked up to a tea kettle.
148
00:07:49,845 --> 00:07:51,180
(WHOOPING)
149
00:07:51,263 --> 00:07:52,431
(CAR HONKING)
150
00:07:52,514 --> 00:07:54,767
Fuck you! You wanna fight?
151
00:07:54,850 --> 00:07:56,226
Here we are. Pull over.
152
00:07:56,310 --> 00:08:00,439
You guys better hustle up.
You're 45 minutes late for the meeting.
153
00:08:01,065 --> 00:08:02,858
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
154
00:08:04,026 --> 00:08:06,070
Great. I'll tell him you called. Thank you.
155
00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:09,531
Good morning. We have
an 11 :00 meeting with Mr. Ed Lawson.
156
00:08:09,615 --> 00:08:10,824
Sorry we're a little late.
157
00:08:10,908 --> 00:08:12,743
Dude, Sky Pierson.
158
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:14,244
Hey, Pierson, TJ.
159
00:08:14,328 --> 00:08:16,872
Well, as I live and breathe.
160
00:08:16,955 --> 00:08:19,750
Peter Gaulke
and his shadow, Fred Wolf.
161
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:23,587
No, no, not Pete and Fred.
It's more like Neil and Bob.
162
00:08:23,671 --> 00:08:25,881
Or is that just what they do?
163
00:08:25,964 --> 00:08:27,800
(MEN LAUGHING)
164
00:08:27,883 --> 00:08:29,593
Hey, so what are you guys doing here?
165
00:08:29,677 --> 00:08:33,514
We're talking to Lawson about bringing
our wildlife show over here to K-PIP.
166
00:08:33,597 --> 00:08:35,265
(WHISPERING) It's great,
'cause Lawson's in there
167
00:08:35,349 --> 00:08:38,018
jumping through hoops
trying to make the deal work.
168
00:08:38,102 --> 00:08:41,772
It is so much fun
to have your ass royally kissed.
169
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,941
MAN 1 : (LAUGHING) Yeah, it is.
170
00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:45,275
I mean, after all, it's not your fault
171
00:08:45,359 --> 00:08:48,821
that our budget
blows yours to kingdom come.
172
00:08:48,904 --> 00:08:52,658
And you must miss
your father's skills, am I right?
173
00:08:54,159 --> 00:08:56,078
Yeah.
174
00:08:56,161 --> 00:08:58,580
Yeah, actually it's...
Yes, just at times when I...
175
00:08:58,664 --> 00:09:01,500
You know what, we've got to go.
Later, huh?
176
00:09:01,583 --> 00:09:03,711
Seriously, good luck, dude.
177
00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:06,171
(WHISPERS) Awesome.
178
00:09:08,841 --> 00:09:14,179
You know, I know he was jiving us
a little, but Sky Pierson's so cool.
179
00:09:14,263 --> 00:09:15,431
Oh, yeah, you kidding me?
180
00:09:15,514 --> 00:09:18,434
He is the king
of wildlife show hosts, man.
181
00:09:18,517 --> 00:09:19,768
All right, come on, let's see Lawson.
182
00:09:19,852 --> 00:09:21,854
-This is it.
-Germans do it.
183
00:09:21,937 --> 00:09:23,647
All right, let's cut to the chase.
184
00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:25,774
The ratings for Strange Wilderness
185
00:09:25,858 --> 00:09:28,110
have been dropping considerably
for the past two years.
186
00:09:28,193 --> 00:09:32,990
Okay, now, when my dad had the show,
you aired him at 7:00
187
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:35,117
and we're on at 3:00 a.m. So...
188
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:39,830
Pete, let me finish.
I haven't even started yet. Okay?
189
00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:43,500
Let's take the crappy ratings aside.
Throw them aside.
190
00:09:43,584 --> 00:09:46,170
The network has taken so much flak
191
00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:49,131
for the perceived irresponsibilities
of your show.
192
00:09:49,214 --> 00:09:51,258
I had my assistant
put together some clips.
193
00:09:51,341 --> 00:09:52,634
Oh, fun.
194
00:09:52,718 --> 00:09:57,139
Let me tell you something. I am
disturbed by what I'm seeing. Okay?
195
00:09:57,222 --> 00:09:59,475
PETER ON TV: Many
of these animals are...
196
00:09:59,558 --> 00:10:01,935
Whoa, something's
about to go down here.
197
00:10:02,019 --> 00:10:06,273
Oh, I can smell a good time
on the horizon. Oh, that's it.
198
00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:11,403
Slice me off a piece and serve it up hot.
I'm next in line.
199
00:10:11,487 --> 00:10:12,696
Okay.
200
00:10:14,782 --> 00:10:16,283
That's okay, right?
201
00:10:16,366 --> 00:10:17,493
Sad.
202
00:10:17,576 --> 00:10:19,411
Okay? What about this?
203
00:10:21,246 --> 00:10:22,790
Hey, stick around
204
00:10:22,873 --> 00:10:26,835
because when we come back, we're
gonna find us some pygmy people.
205
00:10:31,089 --> 00:10:33,133
All right, all the littering aside,
206
00:10:33,217 --> 00:10:36,512
how do you refer
to the indigenous people, the natives,
207
00:10:36,595 --> 00:10:37,846
as pygmy people?
208
00:10:37,930 --> 00:10:39,014
That's just wrong!
209
00:10:39,097 --> 00:10:41,350
What? No.
210
00:10:41,433 --> 00:10:44,269
(SCOFFS) I like all people.
211
00:10:44,353 --> 00:10:46,438
It's Fred who's the racist.
212
00:10:46,522 --> 00:10:49,066
You ought to hear what he says
about the Chinee.
213
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:50,776
-Right?
-What?
214
00:10:50,859 --> 00:10:53,862
You are so not getting this, are you?
Take a look.
215
00:10:53,946 --> 00:10:55,322
WOMAN ON TV: Oh, my God!
216
00:10:55,405 --> 00:10:57,157
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
217
00:10:57,241 --> 00:10:58,617
(GROWLING)
218
00:11:02,663 --> 00:11:04,540
I mean, it's...
219
00:11:04,623 --> 00:11:08,210
Luckily we caught it on tape,
so that man will be honored.
220
00:11:08,293 --> 00:11:10,087
You wanted to honor the man
221
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:14,216
by showing him being killed
by an alligator on your wildlife show?
222
00:11:16,051 --> 00:11:17,511
All right, what about this?
223
00:11:17,594 --> 00:11:18,971
(PEOPLE SCREAMING ON TV)
224
00:11:19,054 --> 00:11:21,473
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
225
00:11:26,687 --> 00:11:29,523
A guy on fire at a peace rally.
226
00:11:29,606 --> 00:11:31,441
Did you guys ever think
of putting the cameras down
227
00:11:31,525 --> 00:11:32,818
and helping the guy out?
228
00:11:32,901 --> 00:11:36,488
And what was that music playing?
Some sort of Jesus music underneath?
229
00:11:36,572 --> 00:11:40,158
Was that at the rally
or did you add that? What was that?
230
00:11:41,243 --> 00:11:42,578
What about this?
231
00:11:42,661 --> 00:11:44,746
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
232
00:11:44,830 --> 00:11:46,498
(GIRLS CHEERING)
233
00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:54,506
Now, what the hell is that?
234
00:11:54,590 --> 00:11:59,094
It's the African wilderness.
It's natives doing a war dance.
235
00:11:59,177 --> 00:12:00,470
That's not Africa.
236
00:12:00,554 --> 00:12:03,265
(SCOFFS) Right, well, not totally.
237
00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:07,644
See, a lot of the women of the bush,
238
00:12:07,728 --> 00:12:10,063
they're not really that good-looking.
239
00:12:10,147 --> 00:12:13,942
So, we got these girls instead.
They're from Long Beach.
240
00:12:14,026 --> 00:12:16,111
Stop talking. Please.
241
00:12:16,194 --> 00:12:17,279
You know, ever since your dad died,
242
00:12:17,362 --> 00:12:19,740
the quality of the show
has gone straight downhill.
243
00:12:19,823 --> 00:12:21,825
And now with the ratings in the toilet,
244
00:12:21,909 --> 00:12:24,745
there's no reason
to keep the show on the air. None.
245
00:12:24,828 --> 00:12:27,122
Unless something big happens.
I have no idea.
246
00:12:27,205 --> 00:12:30,459
Okay, wait. Now, something big.
Now, what do you mean by "big"?
247
00:12:30,542 --> 00:12:34,087
Well, why are we even discussing it?
Nothing big is going to happen.
248
00:12:34,171 --> 00:12:35,631
The show sucks.
249
00:12:35,714 --> 00:12:38,550
And I am officially, right now, telling you
250
00:12:38,634 --> 00:12:40,969
that two weeks from now
the show is canceled.
251
00:12:41,053 --> 00:12:44,056
I've given you notice.
Thanks for coming in.
252
00:12:45,891 --> 00:12:47,559
All right.
253
00:12:47,643 --> 00:12:50,979
Think. We gotta think.
Okay, we're not canceled yet.
254
00:12:51,063 --> 00:12:52,981
Cooker, go get us
a few quarts of coffee.
255
00:12:53,065 --> 00:12:54,274
This is gonna be a long night.
256
00:12:54,358 --> 00:12:58,487
Now, may I interject for a second
and say no, politely.
257
00:12:58,570 --> 00:13:01,448
What I'm trying to say is that
you drank coffee yesterday.
258
00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:03,450
You're gonna drink coffee tomorrey.
259
00:13:03,533 --> 00:13:07,037
The point is that
I'm not some great white stallion
260
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,748
sprinting from shantytown
to shantytown,
261
00:13:09,831 --> 00:13:14,211
crushing up java beans
just to bring them around to my friends.
262
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:15,337
PETER: Come on, we gotta think.
263
00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:19,049
We gotta come up with some big idea
that's gonna keep us on the air.
264
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:21,551
Now, come on.
Hey, Junior, how 'bout you, fresh blood?
265
00:13:21,635 --> 00:13:23,345
You got any ideas?
266
00:13:24,388 --> 00:13:26,431
Yoo-hoo. Hey.
267
00:13:26,515 --> 00:13:27,641
(SNORING)
268
00:13:27,724 --> 00:13:30,102
-Hey. Hey.
-Shut up.
269
00:13:30,602 --> 00:13:32,229
(SCREAMS)
270
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:34,022
What? Sorry.
271
00:13:34,106 --> 00:13:36,024
Dude, what is on your eyes?
272
00:13:36,108 --> 00:13:41,196
Oh, man. Oh, yeah, this is so weird.
273
00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:43,949
It like looks like I have eyeballs
or whatever.
274
00:13:44,032 --> 00:13:48,078
I smoked some weed the other...
Oh, shit, wait, hold on.
275
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:51,206
I smoked some weed the other night
and I think the shit was laced,
276
00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:55,711
because I went out right away
and got these tattoos on my eyelids
277
00:13:55,794 --> 00:13:57,212
to make it look like when I was sleeping
278
00:13:57,295 --> 00:13:59,798
that people would think
that I was awake.
279
00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:01,883
Pete, you know
what might drive up the ratings?
280
00:14:01,967 --> 00:14:03,385
What about a celebrity host?
281
00:14:03,468 --> 00:14:05,053
Yeah. That would be great.
282
00:14:05,137 --> 00:14:07,723
We could get someone really cool,
like Jack Nicholson.
283
00:14:07,806 --> 00:14:10,517
Oh, yeah. I know where he lives
up in the Hollywood Hills.
284
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:12,978
I know some guys who used
to dump over his garbage cans,
285
00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:14,730
like in a jealous rage.
286
00:14:14,813 --> 00:14:16,189
You remember Fat Johnny?
287
00:14:16,273 --> 00:14:18,191
-Powers.
-Yeah, you know Powers.
288
00:14:18,275 --> 00:14:19,943
(LAUGHING) Yeah. He's a great guy.
289
00:14:20,027 --> 00:14:22,237
JUNIOR: They used to
shower together and shit.
290
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,990
Well, not shower,
but they were friends with benefits.
291
00:14:25,073 --> 00:14:27,909
-(SCOFFS) No.
-JUNIOR: And they spent...
292
00:14:27,993 --> 00:14:29,077
Hey, how about...
293
00:14:29,161 --> 00:14:32,581
Goddamn, I know one thing.
That fat bastard can eat, man.
294
00:14:32,664 --> 00:14:36,126
Fuck, yeah. I saw him
eat a cat once. It was crazy.
295
00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:39,588
I mean, this poor cat
didn't know what was happening.
296
00:14:39,671 --> 00:14:41,506
(DANNY HOWLING)
297
00:14:41,590 --> 00:14:43,592
Or maybe it was a lobster he ate.
298
00:14:43,675 --> 00:14:45,052
-DEBRA: Pete.
-What?
299
00:14:45,135 --> 00:14:46,762
Bill Calhoun stopped by to see you.
300
00:14:46,845 --> 00:14:48,764
Oh, great. Tell him I'll be right there.
301
00:14:48,847 --> 00:14:52,059
All right, this is good. Come on,
let's keep it up. Keep thinking.
302
00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:54,478
Who the fuck is Jack Nocknuhson?
303
00:14:58,273 --> 00:14:59,733
Hey, Bill.
304
00:14:59,816 --> 00:15:03,320
-Oh, Pete. How you doing?
-Hey.
305
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:05,197
-Caught you reminiscing, huh?
-Yeah. Yeah.
306
00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:07,532
I can't believe
how young I look in that photo.
307
00:15:07,616 --> 00:15:10,118
-Yeah, what is that? 15, 20 years?
-A lot more than that.
308
00:15:10,202 --> 00:15:12,788
Let me tell you something, Pete.
Time flies.
309
00:15:12,871 --> 00:15:15,791
Yeah. So, what brings you
down from the mountain, Bill?
310
00:15:15,874 --> 00:15:17,125
Business.
311
00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:19,419
That's Bigfoot.
312
00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:22,464
-Oh, my God.
-Yeah.
313
00:15:25,133 --> 00:15:26,510
Where did you get these?
314
00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:29,513
Ecuador. And I know where he's hiding.
I got the map up at my cabin.
315
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:31,056
This is great!
316
00:15:31,139 --> 00:15:33,892
Okay, we're gonna go to your cabin,
get the map, we'll go find Bigfoot.
317
00:15:33,975 --> 00:15:35,936
You just saved Strange Wilderness, Bill.
318
00:15:36,019 --> 00:15:37,395
Not quite so fast on that.
319
00:15:37,479 --> 00:15:40,649
Pete, you know I loved your daddy
like a brother,
320
00:15:40,732 --> 00:15:44,402
but Pierson is willing to give me
$1,000 for the map.
321
00:15:44,486 --> 00:15:46,613
-$1,000?
-Look, I need the money.
322
00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:48,657
Oh, Bill!
323
00:15:48,740 --> 00:15:51,618
You can't sell the map to Pierson.
324
00:15:51,701 --> 00:15:56,331
I don't know where
I'm gonna find $1,000. Jeez! What if...
325
00:15:57,582 --> 00:16:00,627
Hey, wait.
I got something better than $1,000.
326
00:16:01,253 --> 00:16:02,420
Yeah.
327
00:16:02,504 --> 00:16:05,507
I'll give you a piece of my show!
328
00:16:05,590 --> 00:16:08,718
Well, no, no. No, no, no.
I need the money kind of fast.
329
00:16:08,802 --> 00:16:09,886
It's all about net points.
330
00:16:09,970 --> 00:16:11,471
-You're gonna make a fortune. Yeah.
-Net?
331
00:16:11,555 --> 00:16:15,392
Look, 10% gets the per diem
back end accrued cost...
332
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:18,812
Let's see,
times the employee overhead at 525,
333
00:16:18,895 --> 00:16:21,356
plus my finder's fee...
334
00:16:21,439 --> 00:16:23,108
Pete, isn't that the TV remote?
335
00:16:23,191 --> 00:16:24,651
Bill, don't change the subject!
336
00:16:24,734 --> 00:16:29,322
The point is you're gonna get 10%,
which comes out to be a fortune!
337
00:16:29,406 --> 00:16:32,409
Look, I wouldn't be doing this
if I wasn't strapped for cash!
338
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:35,829
I gotta have 1,000 bucks,
or I gotta go to Pierson.
339
00:16:39,583 --> 00:16:42,752
All right. All right. I'll get the money.
340
00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:45,255
I'll have it in a week.
I'll see you at your cabin by the 15th.
341
00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:47,048
-By God, you got a deal.
-All right.
342
00:16:47,132 --> 00:16:49,968
(LAUGHING) I'm glad this is going to you
and not that Pierson.
343
00:16:51,553 --> 00:16:54,848
-(LAUGHS) Damn. These are great.
-Yeah.
344
00:16:54,931 --> 00:16:58,185
-And Bill knows where this is?
-Yeah, South America.
345
00:16:58,268 --> 00:17:02,606
This is exactly what we needed. Okay?
This is gonna be the biggest show ever.
346
00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:04,024
Here's the plan.
347
00:17:04,107 --> 00:17:06,693
Okay, we're gonna shoot five wildlife
shows on the way down.
348
00:17:06,776 --> 00:17:11,114
Then we're gonna pay it off with the first
ever footage of the legendary Bigfoot.
349
00:17:11,198 --> 00:17:14,868
(LAUGHS) Pete, I think you just saved
the show, you son-of-a-gun.
350
00:17:14,951 --> 00:17:17,537
Your dad'd be proud of you, boy.
351
00:17:17,621 --> 00:17:20,498
Yeah, but doggone it, I don't think
I'm gonna make the big run, fellas.
352
00:17:20,582 --> 00:17:22,209
-I just can't.
-What?
353
00:17:22,292 --> 00:17:24,961
But numb nuts here'll
run your camera for you.
354
00:17:25,045 --> 00:17:28,798
-I understand. We're gonna miss you.
-I'll miss you, too.
355
00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:32,594
Now, listen, what about that $1,000
that Bill wants for these?
356
00:17:32,677 --> 00:17:35,222
All right. I need everyone to go home,
357
00:17:35,305 --> 00:17:37,474
scrape up as much cash
as you can find, all right?
358
00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:40,060
Think of this as an investment
in your future.
359
00:17:40,143 --> 00:17:42,562
If this works, we all work.
360
00:17:42,646 --> 00:17:45,523
And, people, this is gonna work.
361
00:17:45,607 --> 00:17:47,275
(ALL EXCLAIM)
362
00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:49,027
(ALL WHOOPING)
363
00:17:49,110 --> 00:17:51,154
Hey, Debbie!
364
00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:52,405
Debbie!
365
00:17:52,489 --> 00:17:56,576
I need you to set up interviews
for an animal handler, stat!
366
00:17:57,410 --> 00:18:01,414
And for the last seven years,
I've worked at an auto body shop,
367
00:18:01,498 --> 00:18:05,877
so I don't really have any experience
in your field, per se.
368
00:18:05,961 --> 00:18:08,588
Never really handled animals before.
369
00:18:08,672 --> 00:18:10,799
But I have handled other things and...
370
00:18:10,882 --> 00:18:13,802
I don't know,
I just really need a job, so...
371
00:18:13,885 --> 00:18:15,178
Can we think about it?
372
00:18:15,262 --> 00:18:19,724
Yeah. And not very hard?
You really needing a job is depressing.
373
00:18:19,808 --> 00:18:23,603
You smell of desperation.
I mean, who wants to be around that?
374
00:18:23,687 --> 00:18:28,149
(LAUGHS) Well, I wouldn't smell like
desperation if I had the job, right?
375
00:18:28,233 --> 00:18:31,569
Well, if you want,
we could hire you, fire you,
376
00:18:31,653 --> 00:18:33,196
push you into a mud puddle,
377
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:37,117
and then you can keep this
whole sad sack train chugging along.
378
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,160
Jesus, man,
a month on the road with this guy,
379
00:18:39,244 --> 00:18:41,788
I'd shove an exhaust pipe
through my fucking heart.
380
00:18:41,871 --> 00:18:44,207
Yeah, why don't you go
make a blues album?
381
00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:47,294
Yeah, you could call it
"I'm a Poor, Little Sad Sack."
382
00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:49,004
No job.
383
00:18:49,087 --> 00:18:51,673
Next! Debbie!
384
00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:54,217
I don't want the job.
Thank you, but no thanks.
385
00:18:54,301 --> 00:18:56,219
Next applicant!
386
00:18:56,303 --> 00:18:57,512
No, thank you.
387
00:18:57,595 --> 00:18:59,806
Maybe you can offer the job
to a crazy person.
388
00:18:59,889 --> 00:19:00,974
You'll have better luck.
389
00:19:01,057 --> 00:19:02,851
Next!
390
00:19:02,934 --> 00:19:04,894
You guys are out of your fucking minds.
391
00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:08,565
Yeah. Yeah. Run back to junior high.
It'll be great.
392
00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:11,026
Debbie! Debbie!
393
00:19:11,109 --> 00:19:12,569
You're off-the-chart nuts!
394
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:13,695
Next!
395
00:19:13,778 --> 00:19:14,988
-You're insane!
-Next!
396
00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:17,073
-And rude!
-Debbie!
397
00:19:17,157 --> 00:19:22,829
-Debbie!
-Next!
398
00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:27,208
Well, welcome aboard, Whitaker.
We're gonna have a great trip.
399
00:19:27,292 --> 00:19:29,502
Thanks for hiring me, guys.
I really appreciate it.
400
00:19:29,586 --> 00:19:32,422
I just want you to know I'm gonna
apply myself and do the best I can
401
00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:34,674
to be the best animal handler
you guys have ever had.
402
00:19:34,758 --> 00:19:37,969
I know I don't know a lot about animals,
but I'm gonna learn, I'm gonna read.
403
00:19:38,053 --> 00:19:41,097
I feel like I got a handle on, you know,
what the best way to be an animal, so...
404
00:19:41,181 --> 00:19:42,849
-Good job.
-Keep it up.
405
00:19:44,017 --> 00:19:45,935
Okay, take care now.
406
00:19:46,019 --> 00:19:49,189
Well, hello. So, Cheryl, I'm sure this...
407
00:19:49,272 --> 00:19:52,567
Glad you could join us.
This is Cheryl, Fred.
408
00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:56,154
-Hi. How are you?
-Cheryl's friends with cousin Bob.
409
00:19:56,237 --> 00:19:57,697
Travel agent.
410
00:19:57,781 --> 00:19:59,574
Yeah. She's gonna...
411
00:19:59,657 --> 00:20:03,328
I'm sorry, Bob did not tell me
that you were so damn...
412
00:20:05,038 --> 00:20:06,206
Sorry?
413
00:20:07,248 --> 00:20:08,500
Nothing.
414
00:20:09,626 --> 00:20:10,835
Okay.
415
00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:16,383
Okay, the plan is, all right, is to head
towards the coast through the Mojave
416
00:20:16,466 --> 00:20:19,386
and then we'll just make a quick detour
to the Tribily Mountains
417
00:20:19,469 --> 00:20:22,055
to Bill Calhoun's cabin,
grab the map and cross the border.
418
00:20:22,138 --> 00:20:23,932
Great. Good job, Cheryl.
419
00:20:24,015 --> 00:20:26,684
Gotta go. Keep on keeping on.
420
00:20:26,768 --> 00:20:30,146
-Oh, yeah.
-Okay.
421
00:20:30,230 --> 00:20:32,190
You know, she seems nice.
I really like her.
422
00:20:32,273 --> 00:20:36,528
Oh, man, halfway through this trip,
she'll fall for me.
423
00:20:36,611 --> 00:20:39,030
-I'll be laying some serious pipe.
-(LAUGHING) Oh, yeah.
424
00:20:39,114 --> 00:20:40,448
-(EXCLAIMING) Hi, what's up?
-Hey!
425
00:20:40,532 --> 00:20:43,201
I just felt like I should assure you,
you know, I get it.
426
00:20:43,284 --> 00:20:45,787
I mean, you guys have been together
for a really, really long time.
427
00:20:45,870 --> 00:20:47,080
You're about to go out
into the wilderness.
428
00:20:47,163 --> 00:20:49,290
I mean, the last thing you need
is a woman in your midst
429
00:20:49,374 --> 00:20:51,793
to short-circuit the whole process.
430
00:20:51,876 --> 00:20:53,253
Debbie the downer, right?
431
00:20:53,336 --> 00:20:56,381
"Oh, no, can't talk amongst ourselves.
Here she comes," you know?
432
00:20:56,464 --> 00:20:58,299
I'm not gonna
bring that to the table, okay?
433
00:20:58,383 --> 00:21:01,511
Like the whole "laying pipe" thing?
It's funny. It really is funny.
434
00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:03,096
You know, I get it.
I know how that works.
435
00:21:03,179 --> 00:21:04,722
You make an announcement like that,
436
00:21:04,806 --> 00:21:06,975
all your friends laugh,
they think you're into girls
437
00:21:07,058 --> 00:21:08,560
and you make it through another day.
438
00:21:08,643 --> 00:21:12,105
But look, I mean, if you wanna
fight the fight and keep on keeping on,
439
00:21:12,188 --> 00:21:15,275
like the gay kids like to say,
well, that's your own prerogative.
440
00:21:15,358 --> 00:21:16,609
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
441
00:21:16,693 --> 00:21:19,904
Sorry, I think it's the...
Yep, it's the liaison from Mexico.
442
00:21:19,988 --> 00:21:22,031
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
443
00:21:25,118 --> 00:21:27,495
What just happened?
444
00:21:27,579 --> 00:21:29,706
Shit, I don't know.
445
00:21:29,789 --> 00:21:33,668
I'm no longer so sure
about that laying the pipe thing, though.
446
00:21:35,003 --> 00:21:39,215
Cooker, I thought I told you
to put this stuff in the RV.
447
00:21:39,299 --> 00:21:42,135
Oh, man, it's already in there.
448
00:21:42,218 --> 00:21:45,513
I'm looking right at it! It's not in the RV!
449
00:21:45,597 --> 00:21:47,974
-Oh, this stuff?
-Yeah.
450
00:21:48,057 --> 00:21:50,685
Oh, no, yeah,
this stuff's not in the RV yet.
451
00:21:52,562 --> 00:21:55,106
God damn it.
Five minutes to get from the...
452
00:21:55,190 --> 00:21:58,318
I got 10 more feet to get in the RV,
anybody else wanna say something?
453
00:21:58,401 --> 00:21:59,861
All right, yeah, hey...
454
00:21:59,944 --> 00:22:03,823
-I'm sorry. Sorry. Hi.
-Sorry. Hi.
455
00:22:03,907 --> 00:22:04,991
I forgot what I was gonna say.
456
00:22:05,074 --> 00:22:06,326
-Me too, then. Okay.
-Okay.
457
00:22:06,409 --> 00:22:10,038
Pete. This oil looks a little thick.
Maybe I should add some water.
458
00:22:10,997 --> 00:22:12,248
Sure.
459
00:22:13,666 --> 00:22:14,834
Okay.
460
00:22:15,877 --> 00:22:17,587
Locked and loaded.
Over and out. Let's go.
461
00:22:17,670 --> 00:22:18,838
Shit.
462
00:22:19,088 --> 00:22:21,424
(I GOT A LINE ON YOU PLAYING)
463
00:23:17,730 --> 00:23:19,482
(HUMMING)
464
00:23:19,566 --> 00:23:23,236
Have you guys ever tried to poop
and brush your teeth at the same time?
465
00:23:23,319 --> 00:23:24,988
-It's fucking hard.
-Nice.
466
00:23:27,949 --> 00:23:32,954
If you're my stepmom Phyllis,
then fuck you
467
00:23:34,831 --> 00:23:37,542
If you're my new brothers and sisters
468
00:23:37,625 --> 00:23:42,755
Dakota and Breckenridge,
then fuck you, too
469
00:23:42,839 --> 00:23:44,924
Listen up, world
470
00:23:46,259 --> 00:23:51,180
Hey, Dad, why'd you marry that whore?
471
00:23:51,264 --> 00:23:54,058
Hey, three-letter word for "man."
472
00:23:56,019 --> 00:23:57,270
Dude.
473
00:23:57,353 --> 00:24:00,356
That's four letters. Dud. Dud, maybe.
474
00:24:01,441 --> 00:24:04,861
By the way, isn't that like
your fourth beer this morning?
475
00:24:04,944 --> 00:24:07,947
What? It's just a cordial.
476
00:24:08,031 --> 00:24:10,366
-Bottle snack.
-God.
477
00:24:10,867 --> 00:24:15,246
Don't tell me to turn my music down
478
00:24:17,790 --> 00:24:19,667
Because there's tons
of different opinions
479
00:24:19,751 --> 00:24:24,589
On what the volume of music
that should be played in your house is
480
00:24:26,299 --> 00:24:31,220
Plus, we all know Phyllis has
super-fucking-sensitive hearing
481
00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:39,646
I don't think it's right for her to tell me
to turn off my fucking music
482
00:24:41,814 --> 00:24:43,983
Hey, look, everybody, sea lions!
483
00:24:44,567 --> 00:24:45,818
(BARKING)
484
00:24:47,487 --> 00:24:49,489
All right, let's hustle down there
and shoot some of this.
485
00:24:49,572 --> 00:24:52,200
This should be a perfect show
on our way to Bigfoot country.
486
00:24:52,283 --> 00:24:53,826
Hey, Danny, get your seal...
487
00:24:53,910 --> 00:24:56,496
Yo, yo, I'm way ahead of you morons.
488
00:24:56,579 --> 00:24:58,623
I'm gonna sneak up
on these fucking bad boys
489
00:24:58,706 --> 00:25:01,334
and get you guys angles
that'll blow you away.
490
00:25:01,501 --> 00:25:02,835
(HOWLING)
491
00:25:11,135 --> 00:25:12,637
(ROARING)
492
00:25:15,973 --> 00:25:17,850
Okay, great. Let's go.
493
00:25:20,603 --> 00:25:24,190
PETER: En route to Bill Calhoun's cabin,
we had time to meet up
494
00:25:24,273 --> 00:25:29,654
with some of nature's
most awesome creatures, Mr. Sea Lion.
495
00:25:29,737 --> 00:25:33,074
No matter how many sea lions
are eaten each year by sharks,
496
00:25:33,157 --> 00:25:35,952
it never seems like enough.
497
00:25:36,035 --> 00:25:37,787
When a shark appears in the area,
498
00:25:37,870 --> 00:25:40,540
sea lions
will leave the water immediately.
499
00:25:40,623 --> 00:25:43,751
Luckily, there are no tigers on shore
waiting for him,
500
00:25:43,835 --> 00:25:46,337
or he wouldn't know what the fuck to do.
501
00:25:46,421 --> 00:25:49,006
A sea lion's main diet is fish,
502
00:25:49,090 --> 00:25:51,634
of which there are
many different species.
503
00:25:51,718 --> 00:25:53,886
Here we see the puffer fish.
504
00:25:53,970 --> 00:25:59,600
Our best guess is that this fish inflates
by sucking its balls into its stomach.
505
00:25:59,684 --> 00:26:01,894
This odd-looking fish
is called a squiggly.
506
00:26:01,978 --> 00:26:03,646
JUNIOR: Wait, dude, can I just talk?
Can I just say one thing?
507
00:26:03,730 --> 00:26:04,856
PETER: Dude, give me the fucking...
508
00:26:04,939 --> 00:26:06,023
JUNIOR: Please, please. Really.
509
00:26:06,107 --> 00:26:07,191
PETER: Give me
the fucking microphone.
510
00:26:07,275 --> 00:26:08,526
JUNIOR: Why is that
pink thong running so fast?
511
00:26:08,609 --> 00:26:10,278
PETER: God.
JUNIOR: (LAUGHING) Sorry.
512
00:26:10,361 --> 00:26:13,740
PETER: Dude, this is a show
about sea lions, God damn it.
513
00:26:13,823 --> 00:26:16,367
But to get closer
to these remarkable creatures,
514
00:26:16,451 --> 00:26:19,996
we put our driver, Danny Gutierrez,
in a sea lion costume.
515
00:26:20,079 --> 00:26:23,583
Unfortunately, after only a few seconds,
Danny was attacked by a shark.
516
00:26:23,666 --> 00:26:24,834
(SCREAMING)
517
00:26:24,917 --> 00:26:28,921
Oh, fuck! Oh, no, no, no!
Leave him alone!
518
00:26:29,005 --> 00:26:34,260
(CRYING) No, get off him,
he's my friend! Please stop it!
519
00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:41,851
Wow. I'm just blown away
by how violent that was.
520
00:26:41,934 --> 00:26:46,439
Those razor-sharp teeth
were as sharp as razors.
521
00:26:47,857 --> 00:26:50,443
(CRYING) It was just
so gruesome, you know?
522
00:26:50,526 --> 00:26:55,072
All the thrashing and all the blood...
523
00:26:56,407 --> 00:26:57,617
It's okay. It's okay.
524
00:26:57,700 --> 00:27:00,661
Yeah. No, he's... It's gonna be okay.
525
00:27:00,745 --> 00:27:04,916
I mean, these things happen.
I mean, not all the time, but still.
526
00:27:04,999 --> 00:27:06,250
Cheryl,
527
00:27:07,210 --> 00:27:08,961
just thank you for being my friend.
528
00:27:09,045 --> 00:27:10,296
Thanks.
529
00:27:10,379 --> 00:27:11,714
(SCREAMS)
530
00:27:11,798 --> 00:27:13,216
(LAUGHING)
531
00:27:13,299 --> 00:27:15,510
You are such an asshole!
532
00:27:15,593 --> 00:27:19,847
Oh, shit, two funny things at once.
533
00:27:19,931 --> 00:27:22,141
I was trying to help you feel better.
534
00:27:22,225 --> 00:27:24,977
Then you hit me in the head.
Now there's a bump on my head.
535
00:27:25,061 --> 00:27:26,979
It looks like a dinosaur egg.
536
00:27:27,063 --> 00:27:29,106
If that dinosaur hatches,
537
00:27:29,190 --> 00:27:32,485
people are gonna think I'm
some sort of prehistoric gentleman bird.
538
00:27:32,568 --> 00:27:34,320
And how the fuck do you think
that makes me...
539
00:27:34,403 --> 00:27:37,406
(LAUGHS) It's fine.
It's fine. I'll get over it.
540
00:27:37,490 --> 00:27:39,826
Hey, guys, look at that bug over there.
541
00:27:41,494 --> 00:27:43,162
Oh, yeah.
542
00:27:43,246 --> 00:27:45,957
Hey, break out the equipment.
543
00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:49,961
As long as we're here we might as well
roll some footage, right? Come on.
544
00:27:50,044 --> 00:27:52,505
Junior, get over here.
545
00:27:52,588 --> 00:27:55,550
Look at this. This is great.
Get in here, right now.
546
00:27:55,633 --> 00:27:59,554
Get that right there.
Wait, I got a noise. Hold on.
547
00:27:59,637 --> 00:28:01,305
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING
ON CAR RADIO)
548
00:28:01,389 --> 00:28:02,723
Go ahead.
549
00:28:02,807 --> 00:28:04,308
(CAR HONKING)
550
00:28:05,351 --> 00:28:06,853
Excuse me!
551
00:28:06,936 --> 00:28:09,689
Gentlemen, hi.
We're trying to do a shoot here
552
00:28:09,772 --> 00:28:12,859
and we were just wondering if you could
maybe stop honking the horn
553
00:28:12,942 --> 00:28:14,527
until we're finished?
554
00:28:14,610 --> 00:28:17,905
No speak de inglės, buey.
I need $100, por favor.
555
00:28:17,989 --> 00:28:20,533
-Are you trying to blackmail us?
-Hey, you know.
556
00:28:20,616 --> 00:28:22,243
Hola, cómo estás? How are you?
557
00:28:22,326 --> 00:28:23,452
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
558
00:28:23,536 --> 00:28:24,787
(CAR HONKING)
559
00:28:24,871 --> 00:28:27,039
I'll stop honking for $100, okay?
560
00:28:27,123 --> 00:28:30,710
Let me handle this.
I speak the language of their people.
561
00:28:34,589 --> 00:28:36,215
(GIBBERING)
562
00:28:39,051 --> 00:28:40,887
Is time
563
00:28:41,137 --> 00:28:42,847
(CLICKING TONGUE)
564
00:28:42,930 --> 00:28:47,518
To stop de horn from honking,
565
00:28:47,602 --> 00:28:48,853
please?
566
00:28:51,397 --> 00:28:52,690
(CAR HONKING)
567
00:28:52,773 --> 00:28:54,442
(GANG MEMBERS LAUGHING)
568
00:28:54,525 --> 00:28:55,902
(CAR CONTINUES HONKING)
569
00:28:55,985 --> 00:28:58,321
Let me try a different approach.
570
00:28:59,739 --> 00:29:03,576
No, no, no, no! Slow it down, brother.
Let's talk this out.
571
00:29:03,659 --> 00:29:04,911
I ain't gonna talk, homes.
I'm gonna punch!
572
00:29:04,994 --> 00:29:06,329
No, you don't wanna do that,
573
00:29:06,412 --> 00:29:08,414
'cause that's gonna cause
some serious trouble, brother.
574
00:29:08,497 --> 00:29:10,124
For who,
you Super Mario-looking motherfucker?
575
00:29:10,207 --> 00:29:12,752
Actually, it's gonna cause some
trouble for you and let me explain why.
576
00:29:12,835 --> 00:29:15,421
-'Cause see, you're a big, powerful man.
-That's true, homes.
577
00:29:15,504 --> 00:29:18,382
Actually, you're so powerful,
and he's such a pussy,
578
00:29:18,466 --> 00:29:20,217
your punch is probably gonna kill him.
579
00:29:20,301 --> 00:29:22,762
And then what?
They're gonna fry you, homes.
580
00:29:22,845 --> 00:29:26,474
All right. Well, what about the scratch
he put on my front hood?
581
00:29:26,557 --> 00:29:28,476
I didn't go near your front hood, man.
582
00:29:28,559 --> 00:29:30,978
Yeah, you did, homes. It's right there.
Take a look, pussy.
583
00:29:31,062 --> 00:29:33,272
-Yeah, look at it, pussy!
-Fuck you, Fred!
584
00:29:33,356 --> 00:29:34,398
Hey, you too, homes.
585
00:29:34,482 --> 00:29:37,109
Take a look. Lean closer, both of you.
Look, closer. You see it?
586
00:29:37,193 --> 00:29:38,945
I don't see any scratch.
587
00:29:41,030 --> 00:29:43,449
You just got knocked the fuck out!
588
00:29:49,121 --> 00:29:50,915
Oh, my God.
589
00:29:50,998 --> 00:29:55,711
Hello. We would like
to see a dentist, please.
590
00:29:55,795 --> 00:29:59,632
Well, have a seat, and the dentist
will be able to see you in about an hour.
591
00:29:59,715 --> 00:30:03,302
I'm sorry. Did you just say, "Have a seat,
592
00:30:03,386 --> 00:30:06,555
"and the dentist will be able to see you
in about an hour"?
593
00:30:06,639 --> 00:30:11,060
There are a couple of people in front
of you. Would you like a magazine?
594
00:30:11,143 --> 00:30:13,104
I'll take a Batman magazine.
595
00:30:13,187 --> 00:30:18,234
Dude, that's a comic book.
She said "magazine."
596
00:30:18,317 --> 00:30:22,113
I'm sorry about that.
I'll have a Penthouse?
597
00:30:22,196 --> 00:30:24,824
We don't have
Penthouse magazine, sir.
598
00:30:29,495 --> 00:30:31,622
I guess we'll wait.
599
00:30:38,421 --> 00:30:40,840
-Fred?
-Yeah?
600
00:30:40,923 --> 00:30:42,842
-Go color.
-All right.
601
00:30:45,678 --> 00:30:48,431
No magazines.
602
00:30:48,514 --> 00:30:50,349
A whole hour to kill.
603
00:30:51,934 --> 00:30:54,186
(GROWLING) Hello there.
604
00:30:55,354 --> 00:30:57,732
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
605
00:31:00,484 --> 00:31:03,029
All right, everybody, listen up.
606
00:31:03,112 --> 00:31:05,656
We're flat busted. We're broke.
607
00:31:05,740 --> 00:31:07,241
(SPITTING)
608
00:31:08,784 --> 00:31:12,038
Two days on the road
and we're already fucked.
609
00:31:12,121 --> 00:31:15,416
Hey, guys! Check this shit out.
610
00:31:15,499 --> 00:31:18,878
(LAUGHING) Boosted some nitrous from
the dentist's office. It was so awesome.
611
00:31:18,961 --> 00:31:21,213
I just, like, grabbed it and they were
like, "What are you doing?"
612
00:31:21,297 --> 00:31:25,384
And I go, "It's cool, man.
I'm a dentist, I need to use this shit."
613
00:31:25,468 --> 00:31:27,344
Do you know what this shit is worth
on the street, man?
614
00:31:27,428 --> 00:31:29,680
This is like $1,000.
615
00:31:29,764 --> 00:31:31,223
CHERYL: Oh, my God.
JUNIOR: Yeah, I know.
616
00:31:31,307 --> 00:31:33,684
You've got to put that back, okay? Fuck!
617
00:31:33,768 --> 00:31:34,852
(BOTH LAUGHING)
618
00:31:34,935 --> 00:31:38,481
We cannot afford to get busted
stealing nitrous.
619
00:31:38,564 --> 00:31:42,568
Okay. So most of us think
that we should keep the nitrous,
620
00:31:42,651 --> 00:31:46,322
sell it so we can finance the entire trip,
save Strange Wilderness.
621
00:31:46,405 --> 00:31:49,950
And deep down inside so does Cheryl,
so it's unanimous.
622
00:31:50,034 --> 00:31:52,161
Let's do it! This is gonna work out!
623
00:31:52,244 --> 00:31:53,996
-Thank you, Cheryl!
-All right!
624
00:31:54,497 --> 00:31:56,791
(MAGGIE PLAYING)
625
00:32:08,260 --> 00:32:10,012
(WHOOSHING)
626
00:32:13,432 --> 00:32:15,017
JUNIOR: Are you guys
feeling kind of weird?
627
00:32:16,185 --> 00:32:18,270
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
628
00:32:18,354 --> 00:32:20,022
(ALL CHATTERING)
629
00:32:22,483 --> 00:32:24,777
PETER: (LAUGHING) All right!
How are we feeling?
630
00:32:26,278 --> 00:32:28,072
(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
631
00:32:28,155 --> 00:32:29,824
(ALL WHOOPING)
632
00:32:35,621 --> 00:32:37,206
(FRED LAUGHING)
633
00:32:45,172 --> 00:32:48,342
Oh, my head hurts so bad.
634
00:32:48,425 --> 00:32:51,554
-This nitrous thing's empty.
-It is?
635
00:32:51,637 --> 00:32:54,265
Well, there goes that thousand dollars
we were gonna make.
636
00:32:54,348 --> 00:32:55,975
COOKER: We're broke!
637
00:33:04,525 --> 00:33:07,486
Yeah, this is it. Bill's place.
638
00:33:18,080 --> 00:33:21,458
Where in the hell have you guys been?
You're three days late.
639
00:33:22,501 --> 00:33:24,128
Wipe your feet.
640
00:33:27,381 --> 00:33:31,844
Whoa, Bill. Going a little nuts up here?
641
00:33:31,927 --> 00:33:33,762
(CHUCKLES) Somebody's
ready for Armageddon.
642
00:33:33,846 --> 00:33:36,182
Look, I tried calling you guys.
643
00:33:36,265 --> 00:33:39,310
-I sold the map.
-What? You sold it?
644
00:33:39,393 --> 00:33:41,228
Well, I had to, to Pierson.
645
00:33:41,312 --> 00:33:42,354
-Pierson?
-Pierson?
646
00:33:42,438 --> 00:33:43,606
PETER: Oh, my God.
647
00:33:43,689 --> 00:33:46,692
-Why'd you do it? We had a deal!
-You're three days late.
648
00:33:46,775 --> 00:33:48,611
I didn't think you were coming.
You didn't call.
649
00:33:48,694 --> 00:33:51,155
And like I told you back in the office,
I needed the money.
650
00:33:51,238 --> 00:33:53,699
Wait, so, he's halfway
to finding Bigfoot by now.
651
00:33:53,782 --> 00:33:56,869
-Yeah.
-Great! I can't believe it.
652
00:33:56,952 --> 00:33:59,246
Bill, what did you need the money
so bad for?
653
00:33:59,330 --> 00:34:02,833
Lithium and Darvon, Pete.
Depression eats at me day and night.
654
00:34:02,917 --> 00:34:06,212
I live in a world of paranoia,
as you can tell.
655
00:34:06,295 --> 00:34:07,880
(SIGHING) I'm sorry, Pete.
656
00:34:09,048 --> 00:34:11,217
It's okay, Bill. It's okay.
657
00:34:12,551 --> 00:34:14,595
Hey, wait a minute.
658
00:34:14,678 --> 00:34:16,764
Hold on a second.
659
00:34:16,847 --> 00:34:20,142
I think I know a way to make
my paranoia pay off for you guys.
660
00:34:20,226 --> 00:34:21,727
(LAUGHING) Go out and
change clothes and come back
661
00:34:21,810 --> 00:34:23,562
and I got something to show you.
662
00:34:23,646 --> 00:34:24,939
PETER: Okay.
663
00:34:25,022 --> 00:34:27,608
BILL: Yeah, this is
gonna work out, I hope.
664
00:34:27,691 --> 00:34:30,736
All right, here's the deal. I sold
Pierson the map, fair and square, right?
665
00:34:30,819 --> 00:34:33,155
He's got a three-day head start,
he's got no complaints.
666
00:34:33,239 --> 00:34:36,742
So nobody can say I can't give you guys
a copy of the map, now is there?
667
00:34:36,825 --> 00:34:38,619
I'm gonna find you one.
668
00:34:38,702 --> 00:34:41,622
See, at one point or another during the
day they were walking around here,
669
00:34:41,705 --> 00:34:43,749
reading the map
under these security cameras.
670
00:34:43,832 --> 00:34:46,835
Now all I gotta do is find it
and zoom in on it.
671
00:34:46,919 --> 00:34:49,088
-Hey, did you see that?
-What?
672
00:34:49,171 --> 00:34:52,007
That's just me saying goodbye
to the wife 'fore I went out hunting.
673
00:34:52,091 --> 00:34:54,176
-Back that up.
-Okay.
674
00:34:56,845 --> 00:34:58,305
(BOTH MUTTER)
675
00:35:01,100 --> 00:35:03,269
What the hell's she doing?
676
00:35:03,352 --> 00:35:08,565
Hey, that's Pierson,
and he's going into my bedroom.
677
00:35:09,066 --> 00:35:10,109
(BILL EXCLAIMS)
678
00:35:10,192 --> 00:35:11,568
God.
679
00:35:11,652 --> 00:35:13,195
(CRYING)
680
00:35:13,279 --> 00:35:15,948
Oh, work it.
681
00:35:16,031 --> 00:35:19,326
Oh, slice me off a piece of that.
I got a sweet tooth.
682
00:35:19,410 --> 00:35:24,039
Oh, my God. I'll ask for second helpings
on that and still lick the plate...
683
00:35:25,124 --> 00:35:27,584
Pierson is an asshole!
684
00:35:27,668 --> 00:35:30,087
All right, all bets are off.
I'm gonna find you that map,
685
00:35:30,170 --> 00:35:33,549
and you're gonna find Bigfoot before
that degenerate pervert bastard does.
686
00:35:33,632 --> 00:35:35,801
-Yeah, we are.
-Come on, come on.
687
00:35:35,884 --> 00:35:39,305
Walk to the camera like a good
little puppet now. All right, now.
688
00:35:39,388 --> 00:35:41,598
(LAUGHING) Going to camera three.
689
00:35:41,682 --> 00:35:45,811
There it is. There it is.
Now all I gotta do is zoom in on it and...
690
00:35:45,894 --> 00:35:46,937
Bingo!
691
00:35:47,021 --> 00:35:49,148
Pierson may have the map
and a three-days' head start,
692
00:35:49,231 --> 00:35:50,607
but that won't be enough.
693
00:35:50,691 --> 00:35:51,775
Thanks.
694
00:35:51,859 --> 00:35:55,529
Because now you have the map and I'm
gonna give you a little something extra.
695
00:35:55,612 --> 00:35:57,656
His name is Gus Hayden.
696
00:35:57,740 --> 00:36:00,826
You are shitting me.
You know Bigfoot's name?
697
00:36:00,909 --> 00:36:05,622
(LAUGHS) No, no, Pete.
This tracker, his name is Gus Hayden.
698
00:36:05,706 --> 00:36:07,333
Now, Gus and I
were in Vietnam together.
699
00:36:07,416 --> 00:36:10,794
He is the best that ever lived.
He's practically supernatural.
700
00:36:10,878 --> 00:36:13,547
Now, if anybody can help you find
Bigfoot before these assholes,
701
00:36:13,630 --> 00:36:15,466
it's Gus Hayden.
702
00:36:15,549 --> 00:36:20,554
Now, he normally charges 3,000 bucks
but I'm gonna get him to do it for 500.
703
00:36:20,637 --> 00:36:22,097
500.
704
00:36:23,140 --> 00:36:25,184
We're at
705
00:36:27,519 --> 00:36:29,730
-14 bucks.
-What?
706
00:36:29,813 --> 00:36:32,900
It's a long story, but,
yeah, we're broke, Bill.
707
00:36:32,983 --> 00:36:35,486
Well, so am I or I'd loan you the money.
708
00:36:35,569 --> 00:36:38,572
'Cause now you not only gotta find
Bigfoot to save your show,
709
00:36:38,655 --> 00:36:41,658
you gotta find Bigfoot
to screw over Pierson.
710
00:36:41,742 --> 00:36:43,327
I don't know
how you gonna raise that cash
711
00:36:43,410 --> 00:36:45,204
but you gotta promise me one thing.
712
00:36:45,287 --> 00:36:49,416
When you catch up to Pierson, you give
him a shot square in the face for me.
713
00:36:50,667 --> 00:36:54,630
Shit, man. We can't raise 500 bucks.
714
00:36:54,713 --> 00:36:56,548
Sounds like we're screwed.
715
00:36:56,632 --> 00:36:59,134
That's great.
Trip's over before it even began.
716
00:36:59,218 --> 00:37:02,221
Hey, Pete,
I got some great beaver footage.
717
00:37:02,304 --> 00:37:05,015
-That's great. I gotta go take a leak.
-Yeah.
718
00:37:05,099 --> 00:37:08,727
Look, we'll go into town
and, I don't know, do something.
719
00:37:10,396 --> 00:37:11,855
JUNIOR: Why, what's going on?
720
00:37:11,939 --> 00:37:13,482
Money problems.
721
00:37:17,611 --> 00:37:19,071
(SIGHING)
722
00:37:20,906 --> 00:37:22,199
(EXHALES)
723
00:37:24,993 --> 00:37:26,328
(COOING)
724
00:37:27,704 --> 00:37:28,789
(COOING)
725
00:37:28,872 --> 00:37:33,043
Hi there, little guys.
I didn't see you there.
726
00:37:34,253 --> 00:37:36,422
Almost got you, huh?
727
00:37:36,505 --> 00:37:37,756
Hey, where's mama turkey?
728
00:37:37,881 --> 00:37:38,966
(GOBBLING)
729
00:37:39,049 --> 00:37:40,592
Oh, my God!
730
00:37:41,593 --> 00:37:43,345
(SCREAMING)
731
00:37:43,429 --> 00:37:48,684
What's the turkey doing?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
732
00:37:49,351 --> 00:37:50,769
Oh, my God!
733
00:37:53,397 --> 00:37:54,982
Oh, my God!
734
00:37:55,065 --> 00:37:56,400
Oh, my God!
735
00:37:56,483 --> 00:37:57,943
Look out!
736
00:37:59,153 --> 00:38:00,737
(EXCLAIMS)
737
00:38:00,821 --> 00:38:02,030
(PETER GROANING)
738
00:38:02,114 --> 00:38:03,824
DOCTOR: It's surprising, really.
739
00:38:03,907 --> 00:38:07,035
Now, its gag reflexes
should have kicked in by now.
740
00:38:07,119 --> 00:38:09,788
Nurse, I want you to massage
the neck of the turkey
741
00:38:09,872 --> 00:38:12,207
and let's see
if we can relax this little fella.
742
00:38:12,291 --> 00:38:14,376
-Yes, Doctor.
-PETER: Junior, turn off the camera.
743
00:38:14,460 --> 00:38:17,087
JUNIOR: Okay, I'll get another angle.
NURSE: Now relax. Just relax.
744
00:38:17,171 --> 00:38:20,841
JUNIOR: Oh, nice.
You got mad, good medical skills.
745
00:38:21,508 --> 00:38:25,762
Relax, Mr. Turkey. Relax. Relax.
746
00:38:25,846 --> 00:38:27,931
Walk up the beak.
747
00:38:28,015 --> 00:38:30,350
JUNIOR: I spit in my
hand when I do that.
748
00:38:30,434 --> 00:38:34,271
Oh, Christ. You've got to be kidding me.
749
00:38:34,354 --> 00:38:37,566
Doctor, he has an erection.
750
00:38:37,649 --> 00:38:40,527
You need to stifle your sexual response.
751
00:38:40,611 --> 00:38:43,280
You're only tightening yourself
inside its neck.
752
00:38:43,363 --> 00:38:45,240
Doc, the nurse is fucking hot.
753
00:38:46,241 --> 00:38:48,327
Can somebody else
do me, please? Fred?
754
00:38:48,410 --> 00:38:49,995
Fuck that, dude.
755
00:38:50,078 --> 00:38:51,788
-Whitaker?
-Whitaker, what?
756
00:38:51,872 --> 00:38:53,665
What? You're the animal handler, man.
757
00:38:53,749 --> 00:38:56,543
Bullshit, I was a car mechanic
last week, man.
758
00:38:56,627 --> 00:38:59,087
Now, if you want me to change
the spark plugs on the RV, I'll do that,
759
00:38:59,171 --> 00:39:00,214
but I'm not gonna handle you.
760
00:39:00,297 --> 00:39:02,841
I think a little shot of Demerol
ought to relax it.
761
00:39:02,925 --> 00:39:03,967
(SCREAMING)
762
00:39:04,051 --> 00:39:05,594
That went right into my dick!
763
00:39:05,677 --> 00:39:08,347
Well, that really
shouldn't have happened. Sorry.
764
00:39:08,430 --> 00:39:11,266
Well, now that the Demerol's probably
coursing through your system,
765
00:39:11,350 --> 00:39:13,268
it could complicate things.
766
00:39:13,352 --> 00:39:14,436
Here's an idea.
767
00:39:14,520 --> 00:39:17,272
Mr. Gaulke, can you urinate?
768
00:39:17,356 --> 00:39:20,776
That might do it. It might
stimulate the turkey's gag reflex.
769
00:39:20,859 --> 00:39:22,903
You want him
to piss that turkey off his hog?
770
00:39:22,986 --> 00:39:24,071
(FRED LAUGHING)
771
00:39:24,154 --> 00:39:26,365
Well, I mean,
put yourself in the turkey's position...
772
00:39:26,448 --> 00:39:30,953
Doctor, I believe that this young turkey
hasn't yet come out of the closet.
773
00:39:31,036 --> 00:39:34,873
So, if we could take a snapshot of it
getting gay with Peter here,
774
00:39:34,957 --> 00:39:38,293
we can maybe threaten
to send it to his father.
775
00:39:38,377 --> 00:39:40,379
And then he'll be like,
"No, don't tell my dad."
776
00:39:40,462 --> 00:39:42,256
And he'll stop blowing Peter.
777
00:39:42,339 --> 00:39:43,549
(TURKEY CROWING)
778
00:39:43,632 --> 00:39:46,134
Or we could chop his fucking head off.
779
00:39:46,301 --> 00:39:47,553
(CHERYL CLEARS THROAT)
780
00:39:47,636 --> 00:39:49,930
Holy hell! He did!
781
00:39:50,013 --> 00:39:51,306
He found our turkey!
782
00:39:51,390 --> 00:39:53,475
We've been searching for her
for three months.
783
00:39:53,559 --> 00:39:56,061
How in the hell
did she get caught up in this position?
784
00:39:56,144 --> 00:39:57,854
Yeah, it's Maggie, all right.
785
00:39:57,980 --> 00:39:59,398
You know what?
You guys can have her back
786
00:39:59,481 --> 00:40:01,024
right after we chop her head off.
787
00:40:01,149 --> 00:40:02,484
No, you can't kill it.
788
00:40:02,568 --> 00:40:05,070
This bird is part of an ongoing
government study. We want her back.
789
00:40:05,153 --> 00:40:08,282
Look, there is a $5,000 reward
for her alive.
790
00:40:08,365 --> 00:40:11,994
$5,000? Whoa, hey! Doc, no.
Hold on a second.
791
00:40:12,077 --> 00:40:13,245
Gentlemen.
792
00:40:13,328 --> 00:40:14,538
Now that we have the map
793
00:40:14,663 --> 00:40:17,541
and we're gonna get five grand
for this stupid bird here,
794
00:40:17,666 --> 00:40:19,751
we can go get Gus Hayden, the tracker.
795
00:40:19,835 --> 00:40:22,963
Come on, everyone, jump in.
Let's yank this sucker right off.
796
00:40:23,046 --> 00:40:25,257
-(SHOUTING) Did you just say yank?
-FRED: Yes, we did.
797
00:40:25,340 --> 00:40:26,758
I'm gonna be gentle, but firm.
798
00:40:26,842 --> 00:40:29,511
One, two, three.
799
00:40:30,095 --> 00:40:31,847
(SCREAMING)
800
00:40:33,181 --> 00:40:35,100
(ON THE ROAD PLAYING)
801
00:41:04,713 --> 00:41:05,964
Fucking Federates, dude.
802
00:41:06,048 --> 00:41:08,133
I got weed on me.
I'll meet you on the other side.
803
00:41:08,216 --> 00:41:10,636
Don't worry, I'll take care of this.
804
00:41:10,719 --> 00:41:12,471
Hold on. Back up here.
805
00:41:13,889 --> 00:41:15,223
Excuse me.
806
00:41:15,307 --> 00:41:20,812
Let us into Mexico, please?
807
00:41:26,109 --> 00:41:29,488
Okay, so, thank you!
I guess I checked out, then.
808
00:41:30,822 --> 00:41:33,659
Look at that! I guess our RV is tore up.
809
00:41:33,742 --> 00:41:35,661
Well, guess we'll have to take a plane
the rest of the way.
810
00:41:35,744 --> 00:41:36,995
Oh, well. Come on, let's go.
811
00:41:37,079 --> 00:41:38,622
JUNIOR: Dude, what
happened in there, man?
812
00:41:38,747 --> 00:41:39,831
Nothing. Really cool people.
813
00:41:39,915 --> 00:41:41,208
So, come on, let's book.
814
00:41:41,291 --> 00:41:42,668
What, really?
I mean, everything okay in there?
815
00:41:42,751 --> 00:41:44,169
-'Cause you look really pale.
-Yeah.
816
00:41:44,252 --> 00:41:47,047
That's because I wear sun block,
you ass. Okay?
817
00:41:47,130 --> 00:41:49,508
So, come on, let's grab that airplane
and get out of here.
818
00:41:53,261 --> 00:41:56,098
-So, what happened in that room?
-Drop it.
819
00:41:56,181 --> 00:41:58,475
-Drop what?
-Okay, look, they...
820
00:41:58,600 --> 00:42:01,728
Oh, come on! I come in peace, brother.
Come on.
821
00:42:01,812 --> 00:42:04,523
You guys, the plane's boarding.
Come on.
822
00:42:04,606 --> 00:42:07,025
Hey guys, I need to tell you something.
823
00:42:07,109 --> 00:42:09,236
What, you're quitting?
Come on, no, it's...
824
00:42:09,319 --> 00:42:11,947
No, no, I'm not quitting.
It's actually the opposite.
825
00:42:12,030 --> 00:42:13,365
I wanted to thank you guys.
826
00:42:13,448 --> 00:42:17,994
I took this job 'cause I needed it,
but I also took it for other reasons.
827
00:42:18,120 --> 00:42:21,707
I figured a trip into the jungle would
be a kind of a forced sobriety for me,
828
00:42:21,790 --> 00:42:25,419
and that's something
I really need in my life.
829
00:42:25,502 --> 00:42:28,714
My name's Bill W.
and I'm an alcoholic.
830
00:42:28,797 --> 00:42:30,632
-Hey, Bill.
-Hi, Bill.
831
00:42:30,716 --> 00:42:33,593
Because of that, I've never really fit in
anywhere, you know?
832
00:42:33,677 --> 00:42:38,557
I want to tell you guys.
Couple days ago, I took my last drink.
833
00:42:38,640 --> 00:42:43,228
And then I did yesterday, and, well,
God willing, this'll really be the last one.
834
00:42:43,311 --> 00:42:46,982
'Cause we're going to the jungle and
I got some tough times ahead of me.
835
00:42:47,065 --> 00:42:49,401
But you guys
have been really great to me.
836
00:42:49,484 --> 00:42:53,196
And I just want to say that you've
really made me part of your family
837
00:42:53,321 --> 00:42:54,906
and I wanna say thank you for that.
838
00:42:54,990 --> 00:42:56,491
-That's so sweet.
-WHITAKER: Thank you.
839
00:42:56,575 --> 00:43:01,413
Whitaker, that is some of the finest
words I've ever heard in my life.
840
00:43:01,496 --> 00:43:04,708
And just hearing them makes me feel
like I'm a better person.
841
00:43:04,833 --> 00:43:07,669
So, fuck it, man. Take a bow.
842
00:43:08,003 --> 00:43:09,379
(SCREAMING)
843
00:43:09,504 --> 00:43:10,714
(ALL LAUGHING)
844
00:43:10,839 --> 00:43:15,552
He was like, "I'm an alcoholic."
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
845
00:43:15,677 --> 00:43:17,220
(ALL LAUGHING)
846
00:43:29,775 --> 00:43:31,276
(WHISTLING)
847
00:43:50,045 --> 00:43:51,254
Strange Wilderness?
848
00:43:51,338 --> 00:43:55,008
That's us.
I'm Pete, and this is the rest of them.
849
00:43:55,091 --> 00:43:56,510
(CLEARS THROAT)
850
00:43:56,593 --> 00:43:58,094
Hi, I'm Cheryl.
851
00:43:58,178 --> 00:44:00,472
-It is so nice to meet you.
-Good to meet you.
852
00:44:00,555 --> 00:44:03,767
Yeah, Bill told me
what Pierson did to his wife.
853
00:44:03,850 --> 00:44:06,186
Bill's a good man.
Shouldn't have happened to him.
854
00:44:06,269 --> 00:44:09,272
He's upset. That's why he asked me
to get you to Gus Hayden.
855
00:44:09,356 --> 00:44:11,817
-That's great. Great.
-Now for the bad news.
856
00:44:11,900 --> 00:44:13,443
Pierson's got about
a three-day jump on you.
857
00:44:13,527 --> 00:44:15,362
-CHERYL: Oh, no.
-But, hey, don't worry about it.
858
00:44:15,445 --> 00:44:16,530
We'll find him.
859
00:44:16,613 --> 00:44:17,823
Tell you what, we'll go up to Gus's
860
00:44:17,906 --> 00:44:20,492
and we'll head out from there
and make up for lost time.
861
00:44:20,575 --> 00:44:22,828
-CHERYL: All right.
-By the way, my name's Dick.
862
00:44:22,911 --> 00:44:24,287
Dick what?
863
00:44:26,039 --> 00:44:27,541
Just Dick.
864
00:44:27,624 --> 00:44:28,834
Dick?
865
00:44:29,835 --> 00:44:31,002
Dick.
866
00:44:32,003 --> 00:44:33,839
Like Cher, but Dick?
867
00:44:34,047 --> 00:44:35,090
(ALL SNICKERING)
868
00:44:35,173 --> 00:44:36,341
Dick.
869
00:44:36,633 --> 00:44:41,054
(LAUGHING)
He's fucking... Who is this?
870
00:44:41,137 --> 00:44:43,348
Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick.
871
00:44:43,431 --> 00:44:45,016
(ALL SNICKERING)
872
00:44:47,769 --> 00:44:49,271
Gotta have more name than that, Dick.
873
00:44:49,354 --> 00:44:52,774
Nope. Just Dick.
874
00:44:52,858 --> 00:44:55,360
You say, "Dick," I come running.
875
00:44:55,443 --> 00:44:57,028
(ALL SNICKERING)
876
00:44:58,029 --> 00:45:00,073
You come where?
877
00:45:00,156 --> 00:45:03,702
You like your name? You like Dick?
878
00:45:03,785 --> 00:45:06,663
Do you ever let your dog
lick your name?
879
00:45:06,746 --> 00:45:08,164
Yeah, do you like it?
880
00:45:08,248 --> 00:45:09,958
Is your name Dick?
881
00:45:11,543 --> 00:45:14,462
I don't wanna get started off
on the wrong foot with you guys.
882
00:45:14,546 --> 00:45:17,424
Does your name ever shrink
if you go in cold water?
883
00:45:17,507 --> 00:45:20,468
Snicker one more time, I'll kick
your balls up in your fucking neck.
884
00:45:20,552 --> 00:45:21,887
-Check.
- 10-4.
885
00:45:21,970 --> 00:45:23,179
Copy that.
886
00:45:23,263 --> 00:45:26,975
Our trail's about 23 clicks west of here.
887
00:45:27,058 --> 00:45:28,101
Right.
888
00:45:28,184 --> 00:45:29,728
JUNIOR: Does your name ever get hard
in the morning?
889
00:45:29,811 --> 00:45:31,062
Shut the fuck up.
890
00:45:38,904 --> 00:45:42,073
PETER: On our way to hook up
with legendary tracker, Gus Hayden,
891
00:45:42,157 --> 00:45:46,745
we encountered many jungle animals,
including our furry relative,
892
00:45:46,828 --> 00:45:48,580
the monkey.
893
00:45:48,663 --> 00:45:52,584
Monkeys make up over 80%
of the world's monkey population.
894
00:45:53,835 --> 00:45:57,005
Hundreds of ants are eaten each year
by monkeys.
895
00:45:57,088 --> 00:46:00,425
Researchers believe
that these numbers would be far less,
896
00:46:00,508 --> 00:46:03,929
if ants were the same size
or bigger than monkeys.
897
00:46:04,012 --> 00:46:07,641
(LAUGHS) Wow, look at that.
Those balls are sensational.
898
00:46:07,724 --> 00:46:11,436
To a lion,
these balls are called a "sack lunch."
899
00:46:11,519 --> 00:46:15,106
Over here,
we spot some South American gazelles.
900
00:46:15,190 --> 00:46:17,859
This gazelle is eating a flower.
901
00:46:17,943 --> 00:46:20,612
This lion is eating the gazelle.
902
00:46:20,695 --> 00:46:23,907
But he'll probably spit out the flower.
903
00:46:23,990 --> 00:46:26,326
These giraffes can't quit each other.
904
00:46:26,409 --> 00:46:30,622
I think it would be a good idea to tie
your brand new jeans to their heads.
905
00:46:30,705 --> 00:46:34,626
That way, your jeans
would get that distressed look.
906
00:46:34,709 --> 00:46:37,921
These birds are saying howdy
to the zebra.
907
00:46:38,004 --> 00:46:41,633
Actually, they're not saying howdy,
they're eating the shit out of him.
908
00:46:41,716 --> 00:46:44,678
If we held a microphone up to the zebra
and he could talk like,
909
00:46:44,761 --> 00:46:48,974
you know, Mr. Ed or something, it would
probably sound something like this,
910
00:46:49,057 --> 00:46:53,061
"Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
911
00:46:53,144 --> 00:46:56,064
"Did one of you just
shove your beak up my ass?"
912
00:47:02,988 --> 00:47:05,031
All right. We'll walk from here.
913
00:47:05,991 --> 00:47:08,827
All right, let's go, chop-chop.
It's about three clicks that way.
914
00:47:08,910 --> 00:47:11,246
Stay on the trail. Follow me. Let's go.
915
00:47:12,122 --> 00:47:13,456
Let's go!
916
00:47:36,187 --> 00:47:40,734
All right. You're about to meet the
world's greatest tracker, Gus Hayden.
917
00:47:49,868 --> 00:47:52,287
Welcome to paradise.
918
00:47:52,370 --> 00:47:54,914
I hear we're gonna have a little fun.
919
00:47:56,291 --> 00:48:00,920
I shoved my knife through
the top of his skull into his brain.
920
00:48:01,004 --> 00:48:05,592
Then I grabbed my hand grenade,
pushed that into his head hole.
921
00:48:05,675 --> 00:48:09,471
And I shoved him back down into the
tunnel and ran like hell.
922
00:48:10,221 --> 00:48:11,598
Hey, Gus.
923
00:48:11,681 --> 00:48:13,266
That was a great Vietnam story.
924
00:48:13,349 --> 00:48:16,311
But I think...
You wanna let go of Fred there?
925
00:48:16,394 --> 00:48:18,271
I think you're close to killing him.
926
00:48:18,354 --> 00:48:19,439
(COUGHING)
927
00:48:19,522 --> 00:48:22,108
Sorry, I forgot about you there, partner.
928
00:48:22,192 --> 00:48:23,610
Anyway, the little gook bit me,
929
00:48:23,693 --> 00:48:27,072
and that's how I got this scar
right here on this thumb.
930
00:48:27,155 --> 00:48:28,198
Cool.
931
00:48:28,281 --> 00:48:30,575
So, Gus, tell us,
what are we in store for tomorrow?
932
00:48:30,658 --> 00:48:32,577
We'll break camp at 0600.
933
00:48:32,660 --> 00:48:36,623
I want you all to understand that when
we head into the Coconga Wilderness,
934
00:48:36,706 --> 00:48:40,126
we'll be going into a bad, dark place
935
00:48:40,210 --> 00:48:42,962
where death is about as routine
as a change of pants.
936
00:48:43,046 --> 00:48:45,632
Well, this crew here?
937
00:48:45,715 --> 00:48:48,551
We've been through some
pretty hairy adventures of our own.
938
00:48:48,635 --> 00:48:51,221
And I know you got that little scar
there on your thumb,
939
00:48:51,304 --> 00:48:55,141
but we've gotten a few scars
over the years ourselves.
940
00:48:55,225 --> 00:48:57,060
-Isn't that right, Fred?
-Oh, yeah, yeah.
941
00:48:57,143 --> 00:48:59,145
I mean, look at this one.
942
00:49:01,272 --> 00:49:03,483
Eight years old. Fell off my bike.
943
00:49:03,566 --> 00:49:04,651
JUNIOR: Shit.
944
00:49:04,734 --> 00:49:07,529
Check out this guy. See that?
945
00:49:07,612 --> 00:49:11,741
I was doing some Bondo work
on a '67 Pontiac Sky Chief
946
00:49:11,825 --> 00:49:16,955
and I was drunk, as usual,
and caught this on the hood ornament.
947
00:49:19,791 --> 00:49:21,000
Nasty.
948
00:49:21,584 --> 00:49:24,337
But... Hey, two days sober today, guys.
949
00:49:24,420 --> 00:49:25,547
(ALL CHEERING)
950
00:49:25,630 --> 00:49:28,007
Thank you. Thank you very much.
951
00:49:28,091 --> 00:49:33,513
Well, I don't have any scars,
but I have this really great birthmark.
952
00:49:33,805 --> 00:49:35,223
(GIGGLES)
953
00:49:35,515 --> 00:49:36,850
See?
954
00:49:37,851 --> 00:49:39,352
(GIGGLES)
955
00:49:39,435 --> 00:49:42,981
You see this right here?
Dog bit me when I was a kid.
956
00:49:43,064 --> 00:49:44,732
I was blowing in his face,
and he nipped...
957
00:49:44,816 --> 00:49:48,153
GUS: Well, now.
You're talking scars, I got one for you.
958
00:49:48,236 --> 00:49:49,571
About 10 years ago
959
00:49:49,654 --> 00:49:53,158
I was scouting out a location
for a mining company in the Amazon,
960
00:49:53,241 --> 00:49:57,453
when I was ambushed
by a tribe of Al oh a pygmies.
961
00:49:57,537 --> 00:50:01,708
They tied me to a post and did to me
what they do to all white men.
962
00:50:09,799 --> 00:50:13,803
They cut my scrotum with a sharp stick.
Then they ran away.
963
00:50:13,887 --> 00:50:17,390
My testicles unraveled down
to the ground.
964
00:50:17,473 --> 00:50:20,476
I scooped up my testicles
from out of the dirt, rolled them up,
965
00:50:20,560 --> 00:50:24,314
shoved them back into my sac,
and then sewed it shut myself.
966
00:50:28,985 --> 00:50:30,528
(LAUGHING)
967
00:50:30,612 --> 00:50:34,240
COOKER: Looks like a quilt. A ball quilt.
968
00:50:36,284 --> 00:50:38,203
Okay, well...
969
00:50:38,286 --> 00:50:43,041
I'd love to sit here
and swap some more scar stories,
970
00:50:43,124 --> 00:50:44,918
but I'm all out.
971
00:50:45,001 --> 00:50:46,920
I'm tired.
972
00:50:47,003 --> 00:50:48,630
Yeah, you know what? Yeah, yeah.
973
00:50:48,713 --> 00:50:50,423
I'm gonna saw some logs, myself.
974
00:50:50,506 --> 00:50:52,425
-Yeah.
-All right. All right.
975
00:50:52,508 --> 00:50:55,303
Must have the worst nightmares ever.
976
00:51:06,314 --> 00:51:07,398
Pete.
977
00:51:07,482 --> 00:51:08,566
(SCREAMING)
978
00:51:08,650 --> 00:51:10,068
-Hey!
-What?
979
00:51:10,151 --> 00:51:13,571
Dude, that tracker guy left,
and Cheryl ran off with him.
980
00:51:13,655 --> 00:51:16,324
Cheryl? Cheryl!
981
00:51:16,407 --> 00:51:18,159
What? She ran off with Gus Hayden?
982
00:51:18,243 --> 00:51:20,912
She's gone, he's gone,
and all our shit's gone!
983
00:51:20,995 --> 00:51:24,582
-Hey, you're probably in on it!
-No!
984
00:51:24,666 --> 00:51:26,834
He left me just as stranded as you all.
985
00:51:26,960 --> 00:51:29,420
He took my bunker jeep.
We got nothing!
986
00:51:29,504 --> 00:51:33,174
-Shit! Why would Cheryl do this to us?
-FRED: No, no, no.
987
00:51:33,258 --> 00:51:36,761
I saw her eyeing that fucking psycho
across the campfire last night.
988
00:51:36,844 --> 00:51:39,764
Shit! Shit! God!
989
00:51:40,974 --> 00:51:43,309
Shit! Shit!
990
00:51:44,644 --> 00:51:45,937
God!
991
00:51:46,020 --> 00:51:49,357
All right, calm down!
Everybody, just pull yourself together!
992
00:51:50,858 --> 00:51:55,113
Bill, I need you to take an inventory
of everything that's left, okay? Go, now.
993
00:51:55,196 --> 00:51:58,783
Okay. We got one sleeping bag,
994
00:51:58,866 --> 00:52:00,285
so I think we're pretty much fucked.
995
00:52:00,368 --> 00:52:04,956
No, I think we're gonna be okay.
I think we're great. Let's go find Bigfoot.
996
00:52:05,039 --> 00:52:07,542
What aren't you hearing?
He took the map!
997
00:52:07,625 --> 00:52:09,210
We can't find Bigfoot without a map!
998
00:52:09,294 --> 00:52:12,297
Yeah, but we can't give up, okay?
We can't!
999
00:52:12,380 --> 00:52:15,633
'Cause my dad wouldn't give up.
You know that. You knew him.
1000
00:52:15,717 --> 00:52:19,721
I mean, he'd always make it work out.
And I'm just like my dad!
1001
00:52:20,680 --> 00:52:24,642
All right. Okay.
I'll lead you through the jungle.
1002
00:52:24,726 --> 00:52:27,812
I'm going as far as Temescal,
but after that, you're on your own.
1003
00:52:27,895 --> 00:52:31,149
-Okay.
-That jungle is thick.
1004
00:52:31,232 --> 00:52:34,485
I don't think anybody's
ever even been in there.
1005
00:52:34,569 --> 00:52:38,823
You know, you should quit now,
while you're alive.
1006
00:52:38,906 --> 00:52:41,242
Nope. Not on my watch.
1007
00:52:41,367 --> 00:52:42,410
Guys?
1008
00:52:42,535 --> 00:52:43,745
I don't wanna die.
1009
00:52:43,828 --> 00:52:46,831
For the first time in 11 years,
I'm seeing the world through sober eyes
1010
00:52:46,914 --> 00:52:49,584
and it's exhilarating.
1011
00:52:49,667 --> 00:52:51,586
See, I have so much to live for
right now.
1012
00:52:51,711 --> 00:52:55,173
I want to find a nice girl
and settle down and have kids
1013
00:52:55,256 --> 00:52:58,009
and dance with them in the moonlight
and everything.
1014
00:52:58,092 --> 00:53:00,345
I want to do it all, you know?
1015
00:53:00,428 --> 00:53:01,846
Fucking beautiful. Take a bow, man.
1016
00:53:01,929 --> 00:53:03,181
(SCREAMING)
1017
00:53:03,264 --> 00:53:04,349
(ALL LAUGHING)
1018
00:53:04,432 --> 00:53:09,937
(LAUGHING) He was like, "I'm wearing
a blue shirt and I'm sad in my heart."
1019
00:53:10,063 --> 00:53:11,689
I didn't think you were gonna do that!
1020
00:53:11,773 --> 00:53:14,442
Okay! Cooker, you need to...
1021
00:53:17,195 --> 00:53:19,030
Is that a thong you're wearing?
1022
00:53:19,113 --> 00:53:21,366
What the fuck did you say?
1023
00:53:21,449 --> 00:53:23,409
Do you have a thong on?
1024
00:53:24,285 --> 00:53:26,412
(LAUGHING) Yeah, I'm wearing a thong.
1025
00:53:27,747 --> 00:53:29,123
I'll get the sleeping bag.
1026
00:53:40,885 --> 00:53:42,887
Dick, there any snakes in this shit,
or what?
1027
00:53:42,970 --> 00:53:45,598
Don't worry about fucking snakes.
1028
00:53:48,810 --> 00:53:50,478
Fuck you, dude.
1029
00:53:51,938 --> 00:53:54,065
Shit, a porcupine.
1030
00:53:54,273 --> 00:53:55,983
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
1031
00:54:10,289 --> 00:54:12,166
DICK: Hey. Hey!
1032
00:54:12,250 --> 00:54:17,088
I think it stopped. I think it stopped.
1033
00:54:17,171 --> 00:54:20,091
-FRED: Oh, God. This is insane.
-All right.
1034
00:54:20,174 --> 00:54:24,011
No. It's gonna be okay, I think.
It's gonna be okay.
1035
00:54:24,095 --> 00:54:27,807
Come on, let's just keep moving.
It'll be okay.
1036
00:54:29,100 --> 00:54:30,810
(HOWLING)
1037
00:54:33,020 --> 00:54:35,690
-What the fuck was that?
-Just keep going. It's gonna be fine.
1038
00:54:35,815 --> 00:54:37,191
(GROWLING)
1039
00:54:39,986 --> 00:54:41,446
(SCREECHING)
1040
00:54:44,532 --> 00:54:46,117
-Come on.
-Hey, come on!
1041
00:54:46,200 --> 00:54:48,536
DICK: Guys, guys, guys, just a monkey.
It's just a monkey.
1042
00:54:48,619 --> 00:54:49,787
Jesus.
1043
00:54:49,871 --> 00:54:51,164
(CRYING)
1044
00:54:51,497 --> 00:54:53,040
(GROWLING)
1045
00:54:54,000 --> 00:54:55,710
(ALL SCREAMING)
1046
00:54:55,835 --> 00:54:58,129
-You guys!
-Oh, shit!
1047
00:54:58,212 --> 00:55:02,467
I have been tracking you for hours.
Why did you leave me back there?
1048
00:55:02,550 --> 00:55:05,720
Well, we thought you ran off
with Gus Hayden.
1049
00:55:07,305 --> 00:55:09,557
You really think I'd do that?
1050
00:55:09,640 --> 00:55:10,808
Yeah.
1051
00:55:10,892 --> 00:55:11,893
Gross.
1052
00:55:12,059 --> 00:55:16,564
(SCOFFS) I'd wanna fuck even
you guys before I'd wanna fuck him.
1053
00:55:16,647 --> 00:55:18,316
-Hey.
-All right.
1054
00:55:18,399 --> 00:55:20,485
You guys, I woke up
and he was stealing all our stuff,
1055
00:55:20,568 --> 00:55:23,404
so I pretended like
I wanted to go with him
1056
00:55:24,864 --> 00:55:28,826
and I convinced him to give me this.
1057
00:55:28,910 --> 00:55:30,077
(ALL EXCLAIM)
1058
00:55:30,203 --> 00:55:31,662
DICK: The map.
1059
00:55:31,746 --> 00:55:33,831
You convinced him?
1060
00:55:35,583 --> 00:55:38,085
What'd you have to do?
1061
00:55:38,169 --> 00:55:40,671
Just a little something. Okay?
1062
00:55:40,755 --> 00:55:43,007
I took one for the team.
1063
00:55:44,717 --> 00:55:47,595
I have a map.
1064
00:55:47,678 --> 00:55:50,515
-Me, too. I got a map.
-I got a bunch of maps.
1065
00:55:50,598 --> 00:55:51,682
I have an atlas.
1066
00:55:51,766 --> 00:55:56,771
I have some old Civil War maps
that are worth quite a bit.
1067
00:55:56,854 --> 00:55:59,857
FRED: I have a map of the moon.
It's like... You can feel it.
1068
00:55:59,941 --> 00:56:02,693
I got a whole map store.
Maps everywhere.
1069
00:56:02,777 --> 00:56:04,695
FRED: If we get back to the RV,
I got a Thomas Guide.
1070
00:56:04,779 --> 00:56:07,198
Like a hundred pages of maps.
1071
00:56:07,281 --> 00:56:09,784
Come here, you guys!
1072
00:56:09,867 --> 00:56:12,495
JUNIOR: Just kidding.
I don't have a map.
1073
00:56:13,037 --> 00:56:17,625
I'll tell you, I will be damned.
I will just be damned.
1074
00:56:17,750 --> 00:56:22,296
You know, with that map
and my jungle survival skills,
1075
00:56:22,421 --> 00:56:25,049
just might be able
to help you find Bigfoot after all.
1076
00:56:25,132 --> 00:56:26,300
ALL: Yeah!
1077
00:56:26,384 --> 00:56:28,386
ALL: Dick! Dick! Dick!
1078
00:56:28,886 --> 00:56:30,721
(ALL CHEERING)
1079
00:56:30,805 --> 00:56:32,139
-FRED: We love Dick!
-Yes, we are.
1080
00:56:32,223 --> 00:56:36,561
Yes, we are. First, though,
we gotta cross the Mohate River.
1081
00:56:37,895 --> 00:56:39,730
(ALL CHATTERING)
1082
00:56:48,781 --> 00:56:50,491
DICK: We're almost there.
1083
00:56:50,575 --> 00:56:53,411
Just straight that way.
Okay, you're doing great, Fred.
1084
00:56:53,494 --> 00:56:55,997
FRED: Thank you, thank you.
DICK: You're doing great.
1085
00:56:57,748 --> 00:56:59,166
Cooker, I'm proud of you.
1086
00:56:59,292 --> 00:57:01,502
COOKER: Hey, Dick.
I'm proud of you in turn.
1087
00:57:01,586 --> 00:57:03,796
DICK: You're the best. You're the best.
1088
00:57:04,505 --> 00:57:07,508
Now, I know a secret quick way through
this jungle,
1089
00:57:07,633 --> 00:57:10,511
and we can get to the rocky cliffs
and maybe cut off Pierson.
1090
00:57:10,636 --> 00:57:13,014
Now, here's what you're gonna do.
1091
00:57:13,973 --> 00:57:15,766
What the... Oh, God!
1092
00:57:15,850 --> 00:57:17,435
(SCREAMING)
1093
00:57:17,518 --> 00:57:19,103
(ALL SCREAMING)
1094
00:57:20,021 --> 00:57:22,940
Don't come in here! No! Stay out!
1095
00:57:23,024 --> 00:57:24,525
(SCREAMING)
1096
00:57:25,151 --> 00:57:27,445
Oh, Dick!
1097
00:57:27,528 --> 00:57:30,114
FRED: Here's another one
of those piranha bastards.
1098
00:57:30,197 --> 00:57:32,617
Fucking eat all these fucking stupid fish.
1099
00:57:32,700 --> 00:57:36,621
We were gonna make it,
and then these bastards ate Dick!
1100
00:57:36,704 --> 00:57:39,373
-How's it feel to get eaten, fish fuckers?
-Yeah!
1101
00:57:39,498 --> 00:57:42,543
-(SHOUTING) How's it feel to get eaten?
-Stupid... Stupid fish!
1102
00:57:42,627 --> 00:57:46,464
You think we'd just let you get away
with eating Dick,
1103
00:57:46,547 --> 00:57:49,467
you sons-of-bitches,
pieces of river trash!
1104
00:57:49,550 --> 00:57:51,469
JUNIOR: Fuck you! Fuck you!
1105
00:57:51,552 --> 00:57:52,637
(COOKER LAUGHING)
1106
00:57:52,720 --> 00:57:54,180
Hey, wait a minute.
1107
00:57:55,848 --> 00:57:57,933
These are the fish that ate Dick, right?
1108
00:57:58,059 --> 00:57:59,935
ALL: Yeah!
1109
00:58:00,061 --> 00:58:01,937
All right, just go with me here.
1110
00:58:02,063 --> 00:58:06,817
If Dick is in the fishes,
and we're eating the fishes,
1111
00:58:06,901 --> 00:58:09,528
doesn't that mean we're eating Dick?
1112
00:58:14,408 --> 00:58:15,868
What the fuck?
1113
00:58:15,951 --> 00:58:18,079
(ALL EXCLAIM IN DISGUST)
1114
00:58:20,247 --> 00:58:21,791
(ALL SCREAMING)
1115
00:58:22,583 --> 00:58:25,586
-It's gonna be okay! Come on! Fred.
-No!
1116
00:58:25,711 --> 00:58:28,381
FRED: Not one single
thing has gone our way!
1117
00:58:28,464 --> 00:58:32,426
And I guarantee you
Pierson found Bigfoot's cave days ago.
1118
00:58:32,551 --> 00:58:35,137
Come on, Fred!
Don't be so negative, okay?
1119
00:58:35,262 --> 00:58:38,724
Come on...
Our luck is gonna change, I can feel it.
1120
00:58:38,808 --> 00:58:40,518
(CRYING) Oh, my God.
1121
00:58:40,601 --> 00:58:44,230
You guys have to come with me.
I think I found something.
1122
00:58:53,781 --> 00:58:57,743
-It's Pierson's team.
-FRED: Holy crap.
1123
00:58:57,827 --> 00:58:59,829
Fred. Get over here, Fred.
1124
00:58:59,954 --> 00:59:04,792
Mr. Wah I'm So Bummed Out.
Pierson's Gonna Find Bigfoot First...
1125
00:59:04,917 --> 00:59:07,962
I don't think so, buddy!
Looks like our luck is changing.
1126
00:59:08,087 --> 00:59:10,631
We came out on top! Come on!
1127
00:59:10,965 --> 00:59:12,633
(PETER LAUGHING)
1128
00:59:15,010 --> 00:59:18,806
Oh, yeah. Oh, right. This is tragic.
1129
00:59:21,642 --> 00:59:25,479
Amen. Okay,
let's gather up their equipment, guys.
1130
00:59:26,772 --> 00:59:28,315
Sweet ax.
1131
00:59:32,194 --> 00:59:37,533
Gentle clouds of Nazareth
1132
00:59:37,658 --> 00:59:41,537
Massacred in Ecuador
1133
00:59:41,662 --> 00:59:46,417
Life's too fucking short
Ask that guy
1134
00:59:46,500 --> 00:59:48,377
Hey, that's Sky Pierson.
1135
00:59:48,502 --> 00:59:49,545
(COUGHS)
1136
00:59:49,670 --> 00:59:50,713
(ALL SCREAM)
1137
00:59:50,838 --> 00:59:51,922
-Oh, my God!
-SKY: Gaulke.
1138
00:59:52,006 --> 00:59:53,424
-Hey.
-Gaulke.
1139
00:59:53,507 --> 00:59:56,677
Hi, Sky. Wow, long time no see.
1140
00:59:57,511 --> 00:59:58,721
So...
1141
00:59:59,972 --> 01:00:03,392
I'm sorry. Sorry about that.
I just had some bad fish.
1142
01:00:03,517 --> 01:00:07,104
So, what happened here?
1143
01:00:07,188 --> 01:00:08,522
Attacked.
1144
01:00:10,316 --> 01:00:11,901
(GRUNTING) Coconga pygmies.
1145
01:00:13,527 --> 01:00:14,862
Horrible.
1146
01:00:16,655 --> 01:00:18,199
Hey, Sky,
1147
01:00:19,241 --> 01:00:21,494
could you feel this?
1148
01:00:21,577 --> 01:00:22,953
PETER: Dude.
1149
01:00:23,037 --> 01:00:25,915
(WHISPERING) What are you poking
him for, man? The guy's dying.
1150
01:00:26,040 --> 01:00:30,669
His upper half of his body
is not connected to his lower half.
1151
01:00:30,753 --> 01:00:34,048
-Yeah, I know. Jesus Christ. What?
-Hey, Pete, Pete.
1152
01:00:34,131 --> 01:00:37,551
You gonna punch him in the face
like Bill asked?
1153
01:00:37,635 --> 01:00:40,721
Oh, shit. Forgot about that.
1154
01:00:44,058 --> 01:00:45,976
It's your call.
1155
01:00:46,060 --> 01:00:50,356
Oh, man. I don't know.
I'm kind of on the fence about it.
1156
01:00:50,439 --> 01:00:53,150
It's not like he's in any position
to punch you back.
1157
01:00:53,234 --> 01:00:55,402
Fred, it has nothing to do with fear.
1158
01:00:55,486 --> 01:00:58,155
I mean, don't you think it's a little
excessive, punching him in the face?
1159
01:00:58,239 --> 01:01:00,699
He's missing the lower half of his body.
1160
01:01:00,783 --> 01:01:02,076
Gaulke.
1161
01:01:03,494 --> 01:01:07,206
-Hey, we're back.
-Gaulke, you still here?
1162
01:01:07,289 --> 01:01:08,791
Yeah, we're here.
1163
01:01:08,916 --> 01:01:10,751
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
1164
01:01:10,835 --> 01:01:13,045
Hey, the cavalry has arrived.
1165
01:01:13,128 --> 01:01:14,713
(BOTH LAUGHING)
1166
01:01:14,797 --> 01:01:16,257
(COUGHING)
1167
01:01:17,091 --> 01:01:18,425
(WHISPERS) Sky.
1168
01:01:21,470 --> 01:01:22,555
(GASPS)
1169
01:01:22,638 --> 01:01:23,973
Oh, Sky.
1170
01:01:25,766 --> 01:01:26,976
Let's go.
1171
01:01:27,101 --> 01:01:29,436
Pick up what you can carry,
especially the camera equipment.
1172
01:01:29,520 --> 01:01:31,313
Let's get the hell out of here.
1173
01:01:31,772 --> 01:01:34,191
(LOOKIN' FOR TROUBLE ll PLAYING)
1174
01:02:08,475 --> 01:02:11,103
See, I could've sworn
these are the markings!
1175
01:02:11,186 --> 01:02:12,521
They're right there on the map.
1176
01:02:12,646 --> 01:02:16,275
Well, then, where the hell is the cave?
It says it's on the map, but it's not there!
1177
01:02:16,358 --> 01:02:17,776
Hey, does anyone else
get the feeling that,
1178
01:02:17,860 --> 01:02:20,070
like, we've been going in circles
for a while?
1179
01:02:20,154 --> 01:02:24,658
Shit! Shit! Shit! Fucking shit!
1180
01:02:25,868 --> 01:02:26,911
Shit!
1181
01:02:29,371 --> 01:02:31,540
Fuck! Such a fuck up!
1182
01:02:31,665 --> 01:02:33,042
(SCREAMING)
1183
01:02:33,834 --> 01:02:36,795
Give me that fucking map!
1184
01:02:36,879 --> 01:02:38,172
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
1185
01:02:38,255 --> 01:02:42,426
You said that Bill Calhoun
took a real picture of the map, right?
1186
01:02:42,509 --> 01:02:44,720
Yeah, Pierson was holding it
in his hands.
1187
01:02:44,803 --> 01:02:47,640
(LAUGHS) Okay. Bill was
using two security cameras.
1188
01:02:47,723 --> 01:02:52,227
It's a mirror image. Look at the "N".
The map got printed out backwards.
1189
01:02:52,311 --> 01:02:53,938
Flip the picture.
1190
01:02:55,481 --> 01:02:57,942
Cheryl, you are a genius!
1191
01:02:58,025 --> 01:02:59,068
(LAUGHS)
1192
01:02:59,151 --> 01:03:01,487
Okay, so wait.
So all the directions are reversed.
1193
01:03:01,570 --> 01:03:05,532
So then that means
that the cave is not here.
1194
01:03:05,616 --> 01:03:08,953
It's gonna be over, around here.
Come on, let's go!
1195
01:03:10,371 --> 01:03:12,539
(HUSH PLAYING)
1196
01:03:18,837 --> 01:03:20,339
That's it.
1197
01:03:20,422 --> 01:03:22,549
That's the cave. It's gotta be. Map.
1198
01:03:22,633 --> 01:03:25,135
See? Turn the map.
1199
01:03:25,219 --> 01:03:29,431
Rock formation fits with the hill.
That cave is his cave.
1200
01:03:44,321 --> 01:03:46,532
How do we know he's in there?
1201
01:03:46,615 --> 01:03:49,076
I can feel him. Okay, come on.
1202
01:03:49,159 --> 01:03:53,038
We're gonna move closer,
but stealthily, like that of a cheetah.
1203
01:04:06,385 --> 01:04:10,681
(WHISPERING) Oh, my God, I can
hear him. He's in there. Holy God. Okay.
1204
01:04:10,764 --> 01:04:15,102
This is probably the most important
wildlife discovery of our time,
1205
01:04:15,185 --> 01:04:17,479
and we're gonna chronicle it.
1206
01:04:19,231 --> 01:04:20,441
Okay.
1207
01:04:21,442 --> 01:04:23,861
Okay, over there. Cross, cross.
1208
01:04:25,070 --> 01:04:26,405
FRED: (WHISPERING) This is crazy.
1209
01:04:26,697 --> 01:04:28,407
Okay, set up the camera.
1210
01:04:28,490 --> 01:04:31,410
Okay, listen up.
Here's what's gonna happen.
1211
01:04:31,493 --> 01:04:33,912
I'm gonna do an intro throw announce,
1212
01:04:33,996 --> 01:04:36,123
and then we're gonna
slowly steal inside
1213
01:04:36,206 --> 01:04:38,792
and catch this amazing creature
in his natural habitat, okay?
1214
01:04:38,876 --> 01:04:40,294
Okay, ready?
1215
01:04:40,377 --> 01:04:44,006
Oh, remember. Okay, listen. Junior!
1216
01:04:44,089 --> 01:04:45,466
-Listen.
-I am.
1217
01:04:45,549 --> 01:04:48,177
Do not spook him, okay?
1218
01:04:48,260 --> 01:04:51,805
He is probably very,
very frightened of us.
1219
01:04:51,889 --> 01:04:54,391
-Okay.
-Okay.
1220
01:04:54,475 --> 01:04:56,018
I got sound if you wanna go.
1221
01:04:56,101 --> 01:04:57,478
JUNIOR: Ready, rolling.
1222
01:04:57,561 --> 01:05:01,940
And five, four, three, two, one, zero.
Talking now.
1223
01:05:02,066 --> 01:05:03,192
(BEEPS)
1224
01:05:03,275 --> 01:05:07,446
Hi. I'm Peter Gaulke,
and this is Strange Wilderness.
1225
01:05:07,529 --> 01:05:13,160
Camped here, waiting to film Bigfoot.
1226
01:05:13,243 --> 01:05:15,537
That's right, you heard me, Bigfoot.
1227
01:05:15,621 --> 01:05:18,916
Animals have long been known
as animals, not human,
1228
01:05:18,999 --> 01:05:25,464
and have been described as stupid,
cowardly, aggressive, dimwitted,
1229
01:05:27,216 --> 01:05:32,846
low beasts, eager to kill, eager to eat,
eager to fornicate,
1230
01:05:32,930 --> 01:05:37,184
eager to stampede all...
1231
01:05:37,267 --> 01:05:40,979
But is it animals we describe,
or is it mankind?
1232
01:05:42,689 --> 01:05:47,194
Perhaps this Bigfoot creature can
bridge the divide between us and them.
1233
01:05:47,277 --> 01:05:50,781
Perhaps his gentle ways can teach us,
remind us
1234
01:05:50,864 --> 01:05:55,285
that peace and harmony
are necessary if mankind is to survive.
1235
01:05:55,369 --> 01:05:56,537
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
1236
01:05:56,620 --> 01:05:57,746
What?
1237
01:05:57,830 --> 01:05:58,914
(EXCLAIMS)
1238
01:05:58,997 --> 01:06:00,249
Oh, fuck!
1239
01:06:00,332 --> 01:06:02,000
(ALL SCREAMING)
1240
01:06:12,469 --> 01:06:14,346
(BULLETS RICOCHETING)
1241
01:06:26,233 --> 01:06:27,276
PETER: Hey...
1242
01:06:28,152 --> 01:06:32,823
Does anybody remember what that
big bastard said before he came at us?
1243
01:06:35,951 --> 01:06:41,832
I think he said, "Huh?"
Like he wasn't sure what was going on.
1244
01:06:41,915 --> 01:06:45,252
-No. It was more of a growl.
-Yeah, totally.
1245
01:06:45,335 --> 01:06:47,921
Actually, you know what?
It was more like a death growl.
1246
01:06:48,005 --> 01:06:49,131
It was like,
1247
01:06:49,214 --> 01:06:50,257
(GROWLING)
1248
01:06:50,340 --> 01:06:52,426
"I'm gonna kill you."
I mean, I heard that.
1249
01:06:52,509 --> 01:06:54,428
JUNIOR: Yeah, no, I did, too. Yeah.
CHERYL: Yeah.
1250
01:06:54,511 --> 01:06:56,138
I heard it, too.
1251
01:06:57,347 --> 01:06:59,224
-Didn't I?
-Yeah. No. Oh, yeah.
1252
01:06:59,308 --> 01:07:00,434
(ALL CHATTERING)
1253
01:07:00,517 --> 01:07:02,186
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-JUNIOR: That's what he said, man.
1254
01:07:02,269 --> 01:07:05,772
I've just, you know,
I've just never killed anything before.
1255
01:07:05,856 --> 01:07:07,482
But it was in self-defense, so...
1256
01:07:07,566 --> 01:07:09,193
-Oh, yeah.
-JUNIOR: Yeah. The lady's right.
1257
01:07:09,276 --> 01:07:14,114
This mythological beast
was engineered by the French.
1258
01:07:14,198 --> 01:07:17,868
Fuck, I was so blind to not see it before.
1259
01:07:17,951 --> 01:07:21,205
It was designed by the French
in the early '50s
1260
01:07:21,288 --> 01:07:25,792
to fuck and eventually
kill American people.
1261
01:07:25,876 --> 01:07:29,379
He would've come
and fucking killed all of us.
1262
01:07:29,463 --> 01:07:30,714
(ALL CHATTERING)
1263
01:07:30,797 --> 01:07:31,882
You know what?
1264
01:07:31,965 --> 01:07:34,301
Like, if a mosquito is buzzing
around your ear, do you let it go?
1265
01:07:34,384 --> 01:07:37,054
Like, "Keep on bothering me
and, like, sting me
1266
01:07:37,137 --> 01:07:38,347
"and let me get West Nile Virus?"
1267
01:07:38,430 --> 01:07:41,516
No, you fucking smack it, like we did.
1268
01:07:41,600 --> 01:07:43,769
Only we did it with guns.
1269
01:07:43,852 --> 01:07:45,979
-I don't know, guys. I mean...
-What?
1270
01:07:47,147 --> 01:07:48,482
Well, I mean...
1271
01:07:50,192 --> 01:07:51,777
-(LAUGHS) Fuck him, right?
-ALL: Yeah.
1272
01:07:51,860 --> 01:07:55,822
That prick deserved to die, right?
Big, hairy, carnivore son-of-a-bitch.
1273
01:07:55,906 --> 01:07:59,326
You see the way he came at us,
all up in our face and all...
1274
01:07:59,409 --> 01:08:01,078
Fucking fuck you, you fuck.
1275
01:08:01,161 --> 01:08:02,329
-Yeah!
-ALL: Yeah!
1276
01:08:02,412 --> 01:08:03,705
(GUN FIRING)
1277
01:08:05,958 --> 01:08:07,751
JUNIOR: Fucking cock tease.
1278
01:08:13,006 --> 01:08:16,927
But, you know, I've been thinking.
1279
01:08:17,010 --> 01:08:21,598
Maybe it's not the best way
to end our show, though?
1280
01:08:21,682 --> 01:08:25,560
You know, actually killing Bigfoot?
1281
01:08:25,978 --> 01:08:27,187
Yeah.
1282
01:08:27,271 --> 01:08:30,190
Probably not gonna fly
with the TV station.
1283
01:08:32,067 --> 01:08:35,070
Peter, I have a little idea.
1284
01:08:45,831 --> 01:08:47,874
Those sharks
ate the living shit out of me,
1285
01:08:47,958 --> 01:08:51,378
like my leg was a fucking piece of corn
on the cob with butter on it.
1286
01:08:51,461 --> 01:08:53,547
I was yelling at them
that I wasn't no seal.
1287
01:08:53,630 --> 01:08:55,090
"Hey, it's me, Danny-boy!"
1288
01:08:55,173 --> 01:08:57,509
But they didn't understand
my human language.
1289
01:08:57,592 --> 01:08:59,303
So I got this fake leg now.
1290
01:08:59,386 --> 01:09:01,888
The doc comes in my room,
and he asks me what kind I want.
1291
01:09:01,972 --> 01:09:03,098
What the fuck?
1292
01:09:03,181 --> 01:09:05,475
It turns out he's talking about
the wood or some shit.
1293
01:09:05,559 --> 01:09:07,728
Mahogany, pine, or balsa?
1294
01:09:07,811 --> 01:09:11,106
So, that gets me thinking,
"I should put a jackhammer on there,
1295
01:09:11,189 --> 01:09:13,900
"so when I walk up the sidewalk
I could bust up the cement."
1296
01:09:13,984 --> 01:09:15,444
(MIMICS JACKHAMMER POUNDING)
1297
01:09:15,527 --> 01:09:17,821
Okay. All right, listen up, everybody.
1298
01:09:17,904 --> 01:09:21,908
We're gonna have him eating out
of our hands when he sees this. This.
1299
01:09:21,992 --> 01:09:24,328
The television show of the century, huh?
1300
01:09:24,411 --> 01:09:25,662
(LAUGHING) Yeah.
1301
01:09:25,746 --> 01:09:26,997
-Bring it.
-Let's do it.
1302
01:09:27,080 --> 01:09:28,415
-High five!
-Good luck.
1303
01:09:29,499 --> 01:09:33,128
PETER: We were all shivering with
excitement as we carefully moved in
1304
01:09:33,211 --> 01:09:37,674
for the first ever contact
with the legendary Bigfoot.
1305
01:09:37,758 --> 01:09:40,635
What we found inside the cave
shocked us all.
1306
01:09:40,719 --> 01:09:44,139
Apparently, the Bigfoot
had been experiencing depression
1307
01:09:44,222 --> 01:09:45,682
and hung himself
1308
01:09:45,766 --> 01:09:48,977
Forced to live like an animal
in a cold dark cave,
1309
01:09:49,061 --> 01:09:52,439
I imagine any one of us
would've done the same thing.
1310
01:09:52,522 --> 01:09:54,941
Unlike that dude on fire
at the peace rally,
1311
01:09:55,025 --> 01:09:57,944
we sprung into action
to revive the Bigfoot.
1312
01:09:58,028 --> 01:09:59,696
But it was too late.
1313
01:09:59,780 --> 01:10:02,657
It made me feel so crappy.
1314
01:10:02,741 --> 01:10:07,287
And so ended our fantastic adventure,
"The Search for Big foot."
1315
01:10:07,371 --> 01:10:10,248
Join us next week
for a show about beavers.
1316
01:10:11,458 --> 01:10:13,293
Are you insane?
1317
01:10:13,377 --> 01:10:15,796
Did someone drop a safe on your head?
1318
01:10:15,879 --> 01:10:18,382
That's the craziest shit I've ever seen!
1319
01:10:18,465 --> 01:10:20,801
FRED: Hey, quit shoving me, man!
PETER: Yeah, what's that?
1320
01:10:20,884 --> 01:10:23,095
FRED: Man, you've been
a dick since day one!
1321
01:10:23,178 --> 01:10:26,098
PETER: Yeah? Fuck you!
ED: Get out, assholes!
1322
01:10:26,181 --> 01:10:27,641
-Fuck you, Judy.
-FRED: Yeah.
1323
01:10:27,724 --> 01:10:29,684
You know what? This is all because of
you and your stupid idea
1324
01:10:29,768 --> 01:10:31,770
about faking Bigfoot's suicide.
1325
01:10:31,853 --> 01:10:34,898
You know, I should've never listened...
I should've never hired you!
1326
01:10:34,981 --> 01:10:38,026
That's the most un-American thing
I've ever heard in my life.
1327
01:10:38,110 --> 01:10:39,694
Excuse me, could you keep it down?
1328
01:10:39,778 --> 01:10:43,156
Hey, sweetheart, we're having
a private company meeting here.
1329
01:10:43,240 --> 01:10:44,533
So why don't you keep it down, okay?
1330
01:10:44,616 --> 01:10:46,993
Hey, hey, we're in the middle
of a fucking conversation,
1331
01:10:47,077 --> 01:10:48,662
you turn around to hit on some chick.
1332
01:10:48,745 --> 01:10:51,998
Hey, why you all up in my waist, man?
You feeling froggy, huh?
1333
01:10:52,082 --> 01:10:54,418
-Why don't you take a leap?
-I can't. That's fucked up.
1334
01:10:54,501 --> 01:10:56,670
(CRYING) You shouldn't
talk to someone like that.
1335
01:10:56,753 --> 01:11:00,006
You stone-wasted half-man party punk!
Shut the...
1336
01:11:00,090 --> 01:11:01,174
(SCREAMING)
1337
01:11:01,258 --> 01:11:04,219
Whoa, seriously, man. Come on,
he's pathetic. Take it easy on him.
1338
01:11:04,302 --> 01:11:07,431
Fuck you, Cheech.
You suck as a sound man, dude.
1339
01:11:07,514 --> 01:11:08,723
(SCREAMS)
1340
01:11:08,807 --> 01:11:12,102
You stupid fuck. Go buy some sandals.
Go buy some sandals.
1341
01:11:12,185 --> 01:11:15,480
You want to fight? I'll fight your fight.
I haven't fought in 10 years.
1342
01:11:15,564 --> 01:11:17,023
I'm fighting tonight.
1343
01:11:17,274 --> 01:11:18,525
(PANTING)
1344
01:11:18,608 --> 01:11:21,778
What you got? What you got?
Let's see. Throw down, bitch.
1345
01:11:24,030 --> 01:11:25,323
Throw down, bitch.
1346
01:11:25,407 --> 01:11:27,826
Hey, you know what? He's right, Fred!
1347
01:11:27,909 --> 01:11:29,411
You suck as a sound man, okay...
1348
01:11:29,494 --> 01:11:31,371
All right, that's it. I'm calling security.
1349
01:11:31,455 --> 01:11:33,373
Oh, no, honey,
you are not calling security.
1350
01:11:33,457 --> 01:11:35,375
-You understand me?
-Hey! Hey!
1351
01:11:35,459 --> 01:11:37,002
(SNARLING)
1352
01:11:38,378 --> 01:11:40,213
(WOMEN SCREAMING)
1353
01:11:44,885 --> 01:11:46,720
(ALL SHOUTING)
1354
01:11:47,929 --> 01:11:49,890
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
1355
01:11:53,727 --> 01:11:56,563
And that is the whole ridiculous story.
1356
01:11:58,607 --> 01:12:02,944
No, I haven't seen anybody in,
like, over a year.
1357
01:12:03,028 --> 01:12:04,738
You know, things were said.
1358
01:12:04,821 --> 01:12:07,616
I think they're a lot better off
without me around anyway.
1359
01:12:07,699 --> 01:12:08,825
I'm such a failure.
1360
01:12:08,909 --> 01:12:10,035
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
1361
01:12:10,118 --> 01:12:11,244
Oh, shit.
1362
01:12:11,328 --> 01:12:13,246
Hey, thanks for listening, okay?
1363
01:12:13,330 --> 01:12:15,999
I'll talk to you tomorrow. Great. Bye.
1364
01:12:16,082 --> 01:12:17,334
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
1365
01:12:17,417 --> 01:12:18,919
Nobody's home!
1366
01:12:20,462 --> 01:12:22,130
(MILAS LAUGHING)
1367
01:12:23,590 --> 01:12:24,674
Pete.
1368
01:12:24,758 --> 01:12:27,594
You know
when you yell out "Nobody's home,"
1369
01:12:27,677 --> 01:12:29,971
people know you're home
because otherwise
1370
01:12:30,096 --> 01:12:33,266
who the hell would be yelling out
"Nobody's home."
1371
01:12:33,433 --> 01:12:34,976
(LAUGHING)
1372
01:12:35,769 --> 01:12:37,270
Brought out a smile.
1373
01:12:39,481 --> 01:12:42,609
Well, you won't return my calls,
1374
01:12:42,692 --> 01:12:46,279
so I thought I'd personally
hand-deliver a hello.
1375
01:12:46,363 --> 01:12:49,616
No, I just couldn't hold it all together.
1376
01:12:50,617 --> 01:12:52,494
You know what I've always been
wanting to tell you,
1377
01:12:52,619 --> 01:12:54,955
all the times you have
beaten yourself up...
1378
01:12:56,122 --> 01:12:59,668
Times were different then. It was easier.
1379
01:12:59,793 --> 01:13:01,127
You know something?
1380
01:13:01,211 --> 01:13:03,672
Your old man
could never have survived today.
1381
01:13:03,797 --> 01:13:05,715
I loved your dad, you know that,
1382
01:13:05,799 --> 01:13:09,344
but he didn't have the tenacity
and the heart that you have.
1383
01:13:09,469 --> 01:13:12,389
You were born into a wildlife family.
1384
01:13:12,472 --> 01:13:17,686
Like your old man used to say,
"All it takes is one good idea."
1385
01:13:17,811 --> 01:13:20,313
Yeah, he used to always say that.
1386
01:13:20,397 --> 01:13:23,191
With one good idea
anything can happen.
1387
01:13:23,316 --> 01:13:27,529
-But it's up to you.
-Yeah.
1388
01:13:27,654 --> 01:13:29,197
What do you say?
1389
01:13:30,657 --> 01:13:32,784
I say, "Let's do it."
1390
01:13:32,867 --> 01:13:36,413
-(LAUGHING) Pete Gaulke's back!
-(LAUGHING) Yeah. Right.
1391
01:13:36,496 --> 01:13:39,541
You know what? Thanks, man.
I mean, I really get...
1392
01:13:39,666 --> 01:13:42,043
-Hey, do you mind if I tap a bowl first?
-Go ahead.
1393
01:13:42,168 --> 01:13:44,546
You know, because... Where's it?
1394
01:13:44,671 --> 01:13:47,048
You know,
I have a bunch of great ideas,
1395
01:13:47,173 --> 01:13:50,051
and they seem like great ideas
for about 10 minutes,
1396
01:13:50,176 --> 01:13:53,263
and then I'm sitting here for a while
and all of a sudden they seem stale.
1397
01:13:53,346 --> 01:13:56,600
And then I forget about them,
I don't write them down anymore...
1398
01:13:56,683 --> 01:13:59,853
I mean, I think what I need to do is
really kind of...
1399
01:13:59,936 --> 01:14:01,688
(MUFFLED CHATTERING)
1400
01:14:01,771 --> 01:14:03,106
(BUBBLING)
1401
01:14:06,943 --> 01:14:09,821
Oh, God. That little guy is gonna think
he's a shark.
1402
01:14:09,904 --> 01:14:11,323
(LAUGHING)
1403
01:14:11,406 --> 01:14:12,490
Hey, wait a minute.
1404
01:14:12,574 --> 01:14:14,784
What a hell of an idea for a show.
1405
01:14:14,868 --> 01:14:17,871
A show about sharks, huh?
1406
01:14:17,954 --> 01:14:19,956
-One good idea.
-Good idea!
1407
01:14:20,040 --> 01:14:21,666
Yeah, buddy!
1408
01:14:21,750 --> 01:14:22,876
All right.
1409
01:14:25,545 --> 01:14:27,422
Hot Dog Hell, can I help you?
1410
01:14:27,547 --> 01:14:31,760
PETER: Yeah, I need six hot dogs,
I need six cokes,
1411
01:14:31,885 --> 01:14:35,597
and the best damn sound man
in the business.
1412
01:14:35,722 --> 01:14:38,475
I need Fred Wolf's ass in this car now.
1413
01:14:38,558 --> 01:14:41,436
Pete! Holy shit, man. You know what?
1414
01:14:41,561 --> 01:14:42,937
I've been going through it in my head.
1415
01:14:43,063 --> 01:14:45,148
Fifty different ways
on how to apologize to you
1416
01:14:45,231 --> 01:14:46,941
for what I said that day, man.
1417
01:14:47,067 --> 01:14:49,611
We're all sorry
about all the stuff we said.
1418
01:14:49,736 --> 01:14:52,113
Hey, man, the world keeps turning,
you know?
1419
01:14:52,238 --> 01:14:54,699
Hey, dads may die
and you may miss him every day,
1420
01:14:54,783 --> 01:14:56,451
but you still have your friends.
1421
01:14:56,576 --> 01:14:58,745
COOKER: That was beautiful, man.
Take a bow.
1422
01:14:59,037 --> 01:15:00,038
(PETER EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)
1423
01:15:00,121 --> 01:15:01,456
PETER: Asshole!
1424
01:15:01,581 --> 01:15:04,042
Why are they using such bad language?
1425
01:15:04,125 --> 01:15:06,753
PETER: Yeah, I called Lawson,
and he was mad at first.
1426
01:15:06,878 --> 01:15:10,799
He said, Bigfoot thing
was the craziest thing he ever saw.
1427
01:15:10,924 --> 01:15:14,219
COOKER: Well, then he never saw
R. Kelly's Trapped in a Fucking Closet!
1428
01:15:14,302 --> 01:15:16,930
PETER: But he said
if we could get a shark attack on film,
1429
01:15:17,055 --> 01:15:18,807
he'd put us back on the air.
1430
01:15:19,724 --> 01:15:21,309
(ALL CHEERING)
1431
01:15:21,434 --> 01:15:22,936
(CAR HORN HONKING)
1432
01:15:23,061 --> 01:15:25,397
So get in the fucking car and let's go!
1433
01:15:25,480 --> 01:15:27,107
(ALL WHOOPING)
1434
01:15:29,401 --> 01:15:30,443
Get in there!
1435
01:15:39,077 --> 01:15:41,121
Excuse me. I didn't say... Hey, hey, hey!
1436
01:15:41,955 --> 01:15:43,665
Hi, Ed, how are you?
1437
01:15:43,790 --> 01:15:46,668
FRED: We got a shark episode
with a shark attack.
1438
01:15:49,421 --> 01:15:53,258
Hi, I'm Peter Gaulke
and this is Strange Wilderness.
1439
01:15:53,341 --> 01:15:56,886
The ocean. Many words
have been used to describe it.
1440
01:15:56,970 --> 01:15:59,431
And now you can add one more.
Dangerous.
1441
01:15:59,514 --> 01:16:01,683
Why? The shark.
1442
01:16:01,808 --> 01:16:03,601
It was one year ago today,
1443
01:16:03,685 --> 01:16:07,188
that Danny was brutally attacked
on this very spot
1444
01:16:07,313 --> 01:16:09,816
by one of these killing machines.
1445
01:16:10,692 --> 01:16:16,406
In today's show, we'll be taking
a close look at this mysterious creature
1446
01:16:16,489 --> 01:16:20,160
that should be named
"the asshole of the sea."
1447
01:16:20,702 --> 01:16:22,537
Menacing and terrifying,
1448
01:16:22,662 --> 01:16:27,333
the shark has been menacing
and terrifying for over a decade.
1449
01:16:27,459 --> 01:16:30,712
Sharks can only be found
in two places on earth,
1450
01:16:30,837 --> 01:16:34,090
the Northern
and Southern Hemispheres.
1451
01:16:34,174 --> 01:16:39,137
This shark is called a Hammerhead
because his head looks like a hammer.
1452
01:16:39,220 --> 01:16:41,639
These sharks
are attacking Nicole Richie.
1453
01:16:43,892 --> 01:16:46,895
Yes, the shark is a... What the fuck!
1454
01:16:47,020 --> 01:16:49,814
(LAUGHING) Look at that thing's teeth.
1455
01:16:50,064 --> 01:16:52,358
(PETER LAUGHING MOCKINGLY)
1456
01:16:54,986 --> 01:16:57,530
(PETER CONTINUES LAUGHING)
1457
01:17:13,755 --> 01:17:15,256
Okay, you guys ready?
1458
01:17:15,381 --> 01:17:18,092
I've never been more ready
in my fucking life.
1459
01:17:18,218 --> 01:17:21,179
It's like that shark was gnawing on me
like a rawhide stick.
1460
01:17:21,262 --> 01:17:22,597
-This one's for you, Danny.
-CHERYL: How old are those?
1461
01:17:22,722 --> 01:17:24,098
Three weeks old.
1462
01:17:24,224 --> 01:17:25,892
(ALL EXCLAIM IN DISGUST)
1463
01:17:26,017 --> 01:17:27,393
For you, Danny.
1464
01:17:28,770 --> 01:17:30,438
Oh, my God, it's gonna come up.
1465
01:17:30,563 --> 01:17:31,940
COOKER: Give me that shit.
1466
01:17:33,900 --> 01:17:35,443
(DANNY LAUGHING)
1467
01:17:36,444 --> 01:17:39,280
All right, let's do this.
Fred, lower the steak.
1468
01:17:39,405 --> 01:17:41,157
All right, come on. Let's do this.
1469
01:17:41,241 --> 01:17:42,367
(BOTH LAUGHING)
1470
01:17:42,450 --> 01:17:44,410
DANNY: That's him.
That's that same fucker.
1471
01:17:44,536 --> 01:17:46,162
FRED: There's a fin. I see a fin.
1472
01:17:46,246 --> 01:17:47,705
CHERYL: I see it, too.
DANNY: Hey, shark!
1473
01:17:47,789 --> 01:17:50,959
We got something for you,
you fucking asshole!
1474
01:17:52,460 --> 01:17:53,962
Oh, my God, he's...
1475
01:17:54,087 --> 01:17:56,673
(DANNY, COOKER
AND WHITAKER RETCHING)
1476
01:17:56,756 --> 01:17:58,049
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
1477
01:17:58,132 --> 01:17:59,634
JUNIOR: That was awesome.
1478
01:17:59,759 --> 01:18:00,885
(ALL LAUGHING)
1479
01:18:00,969 --> 01:18:02,011
(WHOOPING)
1480
01:18:02,095 --> 01:18:05,557
Fuck you, motherfucker!
How did that shit taste?
1481
01:18:06,432 --> 01:18:08,101
(DANNY SCREAMING)
1482
01:18:10,395 --> 01:18:11,938
COOKER: That did it.
1483
01:18:13,273 --> 01:18:14,482
Pete...
1484
01:18:14,607 --> 01:18:15,650
(SNICKERING)
1485
01:18:15,775 --> 01:18:17,986
Pete, people love shark attacks.
1486
01:18:18,111 --> 01:18:21,197
Besides, Pierson's dead,
so you're back on the air.
1487
01:18:21,281 --> 01:18:23,575
(BOTH LAUGHING)
1488
01:18:26,119 --> 01:18:28,079
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
1489
01:18:28,162 --> 01:18:29,789
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)