1 00:00:24,943 --> 00:00:30,072 I used to hide what my vagina did to my underpants. 2 00:00:30,073 --> 00:00:33,367 And, by the way, what all vaginas do to all underpants, okay? 3 00:00:33,368 --> 00:00:37,537 There is no woman who ends her day with, like, a clean pair of underpants 4 00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:40,666 that look like they've ever even come from a store, okay? 5 00:00:40,667 --> 00:00:44,586 They look like little bags that have fallen face down 6 00:00:44,587 --> 00:00:47,506 in, like, a tub of cream cheese, 7 00:00:47,507 --> 00:00:51,843 and then, like, commando-crawled their way out. 8 00:00:51,844 --> 00:00:54,304 And then, like, carabinered up, like, into a crotch. 9 00:00:54,305 --> 00:01:00,185 Like, they're not items that are for anyone to see. 10 00:01:00,186 --> 00:01:03,188 But now, I'm just like, "Whatever." 11 00:01:03,189 --> 00:01:06,024 You know, I have a human vagina. 12 00:01:09,028 --> 00:01:11,196 Okay, who here just saw my face 13 00:01:11,197 --> 00:01:15,450 and thought that they were at a bagel store in a synagogue? 14 00:01:16,244 --> 00:01:17,536 Who thought that? 15 00:01:17,537 --> 00:01:21,456 Who stared at my face and thought that I'm the product of 16 00:01:21,457 --> 00:01:24,834 if a menorah fucked Natalie Imbruglia? 17 00:01:26,045 --> 00:01:28,547 But the menorah, like, had me. You know what I mean? 18 00:01:28,548 --> 00:01:30,799 You know, like when two lesbians have a baby, 19 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,259 and everyone's like, "They did it!" 20 00:01:32,260 --> 00:01:34,928 And they're like, "But it's really Karen's. 21 00:01:34,929 --> 00:01:37,472 "It's gonna be husky." 22 00:01:39,183 --> 00:01:41,393 You guys are like, "You're a horrible woman." 23 00:01:41,394 --> 00:01:44,687 But let me tell you, I agree. I agree. 24 00:01:46,065 --> 00:01:48,567 I, surprisingly, am not alone in my life. 25 00:01:48,568 --> 00:01:51,152 I have a boyfriend. 26 00:01:51,487 --> 00:01:52,863 Yeah, he's cool. 27 00:01:52,864 --> 00:01:55,907 He's got a, you know, working dick. 28 00:01:57,577 --> 00:02:00,703 Yeah, he's a human male. I'll put it that way. 29 00:02:00,747 --> 00:02:04,958 But I'm still honking down on that D when I need to. 30 00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:06,752 Literally, only when I need to. 31 00:02:06,753 --> 00:02:08,587 Like, it's not that I don't like doing it. 32 00:02:08,588 --> 00:02:11,923 It's just that, after a while, it just becomes a step towards, 33 00:02:11,924 --> 00:02:14,426 like, getting rhythmically banged out 34 00:02:14,427 --> 00:02:17,637 until your worries can go away, and you can pass out for eight hours. 35 00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:19,806 That's sort of where we're at. 36 00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:23,351 Functional. Functional, you know. We've worked out all the kinks. 37 00:02:23,978 --> 00:02:28,273 Man, I think I just heard his heart stop beating. 38 00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:32,903 When we first started dating, my butthole was so scared, 39 00:02:32,904 --> 00:02:35,864 you know, that it might, like, lose the chance at romance, 40 00:02:35,865 --> 00:02:39,117 that it was just like, "Everyone, shut down," and it was like... 41 00:02:39,869 --> 00:02:43,288 But then when he would, like, leave my apartment, I would be like, 42 00:02:43,289 --> 00:02:44,956 "Good night," 43 00:02:44,957 --> 00:02:48,210 and pretend to be so confident in everything that just happened. 44 00:02:48,211 --> 00:02:49,294 Even though I was like, 45 00:02:49,295 --> 00:02:53,131 "Was that cool when I did that? Was that cool when I did that?" 46 00:02:53,132 --> 00:02:57,635 Then I would just masturbate to my worries until he came back. 47 00:02:59,472 --> 00:03:05,184 I would just shut the door and, like, stand there for a minute and then just be like... 48 00:03:07,063 --> 00:03:08,772 "No, no, no. Don't you be your old self." 49 00:03:08,773 --> 00:03:10,941 And then it would be like, "But it feels so good. I gotta..." 50 00:03:10,942 --> 00:03:13,860 That's my butthole's voice. "I gotta be me! 51 00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:16,071 "I gotta be me!" 52 00:03:16,072 --> 00:03:18,656 And then it would just be like... 53 00:03:22,495 --> 00:03:24,537 That's me walking up my stairs. 54 00:03:25,998 --> 00:03:28,416 Anyone need a barf bag? 55 00:03:33,965 --> 00:03:35,048 - Hey. - Hi, sweetie. 56 00:03:35,049 --> 00:03:37,050 - How's it going? - Good. 57 00:03:37,051 --> 00:03:39,845 Am I having a stroke, or does this soap smell like popcorn? 58 00:03:39,846 --> 00:03:42,848 - You're not having a stroke. - Good. 59 00:03:42,849 --> 00:03:46,476 It just smells like your hand, you know. Smells normal. 60 00:03:46,477 --> 00:03:48,770 A couple of other people are going to another bar, 61 00:03:48,771 --> 00:03:51,398 and I know that you don't like leaving the radius, 62 00:03:51,399 --> 00:03:54,651 but I really wanna go and have, like, one, two, one million more drinks. 63 00:03:54,652 --> 00:03:57,070 Yeah, I don't think I can go. 64 00:03:57,071 --> 00:04:00,657 Okay. Do you wanna just go home, and we can finish that documentary about... 65 00:04:00,658 --> 00:04:05,036 Things have been kind of fucked up between us lately, you know? 66 00:04:09,792 --> 00:04:13,044 And then you go, and you talk about it up there. 67 00:04:13,045 --> 00:04:16,882 It's just a very weird feeling for me. 68 00:04:16,883 --> 00:04:18,800 Are you still mad at me about last night? 69 00:04:18,801 --> 00:04:20,677 - No. - 'Cause I told you that I didn't feel well, 70 00:04:20,678 --> 00:04:23,555 because I ate street meat from the cart at work. 71 00:04:23,556 --> 00:04:27,100 And also, you just said you didn't do the thing that I wanna do, and I'm not... 72 00:04:27,101 --> 00:04:29,268 I've been sleeping with Kate. 73 00:04:31,397 --> 00:04:33,147 What? 74 00:04:33,232 --> 00:04:36,568 You know, we can't lie to you anymore. 75 00:04:36,569 --> 00:04:41,322 You're, like, a we? You guys are a we? No. 76 00:04:44,660 --> 00:04:46,786 I wanted to tell you sooner. 77 00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:51,875 But you're here all the time. Your schedule is all over the place. 78 00:04:51,876 --> 00:04:54,127 We never talk or anything! 79 00:04:54,128 --> 00:04:57,630 I'm at your house every other night. 80 00:04:59,592 --> 00:05:02,010 Why are you... Stop looking at your phone while you're dumping me! 81 00:05:02,011 --> 00:05:04,095 Is she calling you? Is she asking you, "Have you dumped her yet?" 82 00:05:04,096 --> 00:05:05,222 No. 83 00:05:05,223 --> 00:05:06,973 - Or are you just such a dick... - Sorry. 84 00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:09,142 ...that you're looking at your phone while you're dumping me? 85 00:05:09,143 --> 00:05:10,644 I just don't know where to look. 86 00:05:10,645 --> 00:05:15,523 You don't know where to look? Well, this is probably a good area. 87 00:05:57,525 --> 00:05:59,317 Hi, Ryan. 88 00:05:59,318 --> 00:06:05,823 I don't know if you're getting my messages, but I really need to talk. 89 00:06:08,661 --> 00:06:10,745 I'm sorry. I didn't hear the... 90 00:06:10,746 --> 00:06:14,582 I don't care about the beep! 91 00:06:14,583 --> 00:06:20,004 I am also sorry that you cannot get to the phone! 92 00:06:28,681 --> 00:06:30,598 Kate has HPV. 93 00:06:30,599 --> 00:06:34,977 The kind of HPV where you get warts on your stuff 94 00:06:36,022 --> 00:06:38,481 and ovarian cancer. 95 00:06:38,482 --> 00:06:41,735 There's a lot of other stuff I could say, but I'm a lady. 96 00:06:41,736 --> 00:06:45,989 Yeah, and then she dies of cancer, and you're stuck with the bill, so... 97 00:06:45,990 --> 00:06:50,785 I just wanted to apologize for the voicemail that I just left on your voicemail. 98 00:06:50,786 --> 00:06:53,996 And I also wanted to say, "Psych!" 99 00:06:55,666 --> 00:06:57,083 Have a great life! 100 00:06:57,084 --> 00:07:02,588 I'll be here with my normal HPV that one in four nice women have. 101 00:07:02,673 --> 00:07:08,052 And there will not be an apology message for this apology message. Goodbye. 102 00:07:31,243 --> 00:07:34,745 - You okay? - Nellie! 103 00:07:34,914 --> 00:07:37,749 You look like a lez who just got back from Birthright. 104 00:07:37,750 --> 00:07:38,833 Move. 105 00:07:38,834 --> 00:07:41,378 These clogs are yours. 106 00:07:41,379 --> 00:07:43,588 Ryan always hated my clogs. 107 00:07:43,589 --> 00:07:46,466 Well, I guess that doesn't matter anymore, huh? 108 00:07:46,467 --> 00:07:48,218 You got my texts? 109 00:07:48,219 --> 00:07:51,637 I did do. I'm sorry. 110 00:07:52,098 --> 00:07:54,432 Do you want to talk about it? 111 00:07:54,683 --> 00:07:56,226 Okay. 112 00:07:56,227 --> 00:07:58,645 You're in shock. We don't have to talk about it. 113 00:07:58,646 --> 00:08:01,106 I always thought that Ryan was attracted to Kate, 114 00:08:01,107 --> 00:08:04,401 but then I just told myself I was being insecure and jealous. 115 00:08:04,402 --> 00:08:06,611 And now, all my worst fears have come true. 116 00:08:06,612 --> 00:08:07,821 That's not what happened. 117 00:08:07,822 --> 00:08:11,241 What happened is he's a piece of shit, and she's a little bitch. 118 00:08:11,242 --> 00:08:14,243 - I love you. - I love you, too. 119 00:08:14,620 --> 00:08:15,829 Come on up here. 120 00:08:15,830 --> 00:08:18,123 - You know I'd take a bullet for you, right? - I know. 121 00:08:18,124 --> 00:08:20,917 - Right into my heart. - I know. 122 00:08:20,918 --> 00:08:24,113 Nellie, you're so sweet and nice and pretty. 123 00:08:24,114 --> 00:08:25,380 Okay. 124 00:08:25,381 --> 00:08:28,299 You gonna be okay? Do you want me to sleep in here with you? 125 00:08:28,300 --> 00:08:33,137 I can't do that to you, because I'm about to turn this bed into a fart pod. 126 00:08:33,139 --> 00:08:34,556 Okay. 127 00:08:34,557 --> 00:08:37,559 That sounds too cozy for me. 128 00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:40,603 - All right, I love you. - I love you. 129 00:08:51,824 --> 00:08:53,575 - Donna. - Shit, Gene. 130 00:08:53,576 --> 00:08:55,994 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. 131 00:08:55,995 --> 00:09:00,331 No, I'm sorry. I haven't been sleeping very well. 132 00:09:00,332 --> 00:09:02,500 Listen, Donna, 133 00:09:02,710 --> 00:09:04,878 there's something that I need to talk to you about. 134 00:09:04,879 --> 00:09:07,005 No, no, no. I already called the plumber. We're just... 135 00:09:07,006 --> 00:09:08,840 We're all gonna have to use the bathroom on Sixth 136 00:09:08,841 --> 00:09:12,051 - for, like, a few days. - It's not that. It's... 137 00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:15,513 Well, there's no easy way to spit this out. 138 00:09:17,183 --> 00:09:21,352 The landlord's kicking us out. We have six weeks. 139 00:09:21,353 --> 00:09:22,520 What? 140 00:09:22,521 --> 00:09:24,606 They're closing the store. 141 00:09:24,607 --> 00:09:28,526 That's crazy! That's disgusting! This place is like a New York institution! 142 00:09:28,527 --> 00:09:30,361 You've been here five years. 143 00:09:30,696 --> 00:09:32,863 I've been here for 30. 144 00:09:33,199 --> 00:09:35,950 Sometimes we just have to let go of the things we love. 145 00:09:35,951 --> 00:09:39,871 That's really easy for you to say, 'cause you're gonna move to Woodstock, 146 00:09:39,872 --> 00:09:44,417 and, like, buy a bunch of wick and candles and just, like, chill out all day. 147 00:09:44,418 --> 00:09:47,253 Hey, that sounds pretty nice. I think I will do that. 148 00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:50,256 Listen, change is good, Donna. 149 00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:54,719 Man, that's, like, the rudest thing you've ever said to me. 150 00:09:59,642 --> 00:10:03,019 You know, that Ryan, he was not a gentleman. 151 00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:06,022 Okay. Well, I'm gonna call him right now, and I'm gonna tell him that you said that. 152 00:10:06,023 --> 00:10:08,024 You're not gonna waste one valuable moment 153 00:10:08,025 --> 00:10:10,318 of your young precious life mourning that boy. 154 00:10:10,319 --> 00:10:11,819 I'm a mess. 155 00:10:11,820 --> 00:10:14,697 I can't even be in public without bursting into tears. 156 00:10:14,698 --> 00:10:16,616 And I think I've cried on every train line. 157 00:10:16,617 --> 00:10:17,700 Oh, baby. 158 00:10:17,701 --> 00:10:21,204 You know, when your mom and I split up, I thought my life was over. 159 00:10:21,205 --> 00:10:23,248 You know what saved me? 160 00:10:23,249 --> 00:10:25,542 A long walk with your Uncle Jim. 161 00:10:25,543 --> 00:10:29,671 We walked, we talked, and we talked about life, and spirituality, 162 00:10:29,672 --> 00:10:32,549 and identity and racism. 163 00:10:32,550 --> 00:10:34,384 And by the time the sun came up, 164 00:10:34,385 --> 00:10:37,679 - we had the premise for our first TV show. - "We had the premise for our first TV show." 165 00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:39,597 We did. 166 00:10:40,099 --> 00:10:42,850 - That smells good. - Pasghetti. 167 00:10:42,851 --> 00:10:45,937 - Your favorite sauce, extra honey. - Extra honey. 168 00:10:45,938 --> 00:10:48,064 I can eat this. 169 00:10:48,816 --> 00:10:54,153 You know, creative energy sometimes comes from the lowest point in your life. 170 00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:58,449 But, Dad, you had a partner to do all of that with. 171 00:10:58,450 --> 00:11:01,953 I'm just up there alone by myself just beating myself up. 172 00:11:01,954 --> 00:11:07,208 Well, negativity will either be your best friend or your worst enemy. 173 00:11:07,209 --> 00:11:09,752 How do you want to approach your fears? 174 00:11:09,753 --> 00:11:11,796 Tylenol PM. 175 00:11:11,922 --> 00:11:14,382 No. Living. 176 00:11:14,383 --> 00:11:17,302 Living is the best revenge. 177 00:11:17,303 --> 00:11:20,430 So eat up, and then when we're finished, you're gonna go visit your mom. 178 00:11:20,431 --> 00:11:22,056 She's worried about you. 179 00:11:22,057 --> 00:11:23,308 You guys need to know 180 00:11:23,309 --> 00:11:26,060 there are some children out there who don't talk to their parents for months. 181 00:11:26,061 --> 00:11:28,313 - Like, even on the telephone. - Really? Really? 182 00:11:28,314 --> 00:11:29,814 Not my child. 183 00:11:31,275 --> 00:11:33,609 - Okay. - Thank you. 184 00:11:33,652 --> 00:11:36,029 You're an aberration. 185 00:11:36,030 --> 00:11:37,864 You're all wrong. 186 00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:39,740 You're the weird one. 187 00:11:40,868 --> 00:11:43,828 You're so pretty. Now just hold up, just for a second. 188 00:11:43,829 --> 00:11:47,331 - Are you proud of me? - I'm very proud of you. 189 00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:04,682 You know, an ex-student of mine started a temp agency. 190 00:12:04,683 --> 00:12:07,477 They specialize in placing people in the entertainment world. 191 00:12:07,478 --> 00:12:08,811 Pass the duck sauce. 192 00:12:08,812 --> 00:12:11,939 You're about to lose your income. You don't seem the least bit concerned. 193 00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:14,442 I'm terrified, Mom. Believe me, I very much am. 194 00:12:14,443 --> 00:12:17,528 But I'm not going to work for one of your business school students. 195 00:12:17,529 --> 00:12:20,698 You're almost 30 years old. You still don't know how to do your taxes. 196 00:12:20,699 --> 00:12:25,995 I'm a couple of years away from 30, and nobody knows how to do their taxes. 197 00:12:25,996 --> 00:12:29,290 Have you spoken to your agent about booking any commercial work? 198 00:12:29,291 --> 00:12:33,210 You know, I haven't, because recently, she put her entire body into her oven. 199 00:12:34,713 --> 00:12:36,923 You're never serious. 200 00:12:36,924 --> 00:12:39,676 I will use TurboTax this year, okay? 201 00:12:39,677 --> 00:12:41,886 Hand me the plate. 202 00:12:42,179 --> 00:12:46,349 Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm in kind of an emotional crisis right now. 203 00:12:46,350 --> 00:12:48,142 I know you're going through some pain right now, 204 00:12:48,143 --> 00:12:50,395 but you're always gonna be going through something. 205 00:12:50,396 --> 00:12:51,604 I haven't borrowed money from you in months. 206 00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:54,399 And I just did that commercial for the organic douche, 207 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,317 which is gonna be a real boon to my image. 208 00:12:56,318 --> 00:12:58,736 Well, I'm glad you did the douche job. The douche paid well. 209 00:12:58,737 --> 00:13:00,405 Definitely, stop saying "douche." 210 00:13:00,406 --> 00:13:03,991 There are other things in your life you could afford to be a little more selective about. 211 00:13:03,992 --> 00:13:05,743 Your next beau, for example. 212 00:13:05,744 --> 00:13:10,373 I'll never forget that brunch when he told us his SAT scores. 213 00:13:10,374 --> 00:13:13,918 Mom, really, a lot of people aren't good test-takers. 214 00:13:13,919 --> 00:13:16,796 You were. And now you waste that 780 verbal 215 00:13:16,797 --> 00:13:19,882 on telling jokes about having diarrhea in your pants. 216 00:13:37,443 --> 00:13:39,109 Fuck it. 217 00:13:42,781 --> 00:13:45,241 I'll take three more sips, 218 00:13:45,242 --> 00:13:49,286 and if he doesn't come out, then I'll go. 219 00:14:11,518 --> 00:14:13,728 I'll take two more sips, actually. 220 00:14:13,729 --> 00:14:20,401 And if the lady in the tan jacket crosses the street on the second sip, 221 00:14:20,402 --> 00:14:23,737 then that means that I should go home. 222 00:14:36,168 --> 00:14:38,085 Motherfucker. 223 00:14:43,342 --> 00:14:47,303 What are you doing? What am I doing? 224 00:14:47,304 --> 00:14:50,431 Just go home to your house. 225 00:14:52,184 --> 00:14:54,018 Fuck! 226 00:15:03,362 --> 00:15:05,863 They have a fucking dog. 227 00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:07,740 What were you doing? 228 00:15:07,741 --> 00:15:10,201 Just out doing some light stalking. 229 00:15:10,202 --> 00:15:11,828 No! 230 00:15:11,829 --> 00:15:13,704 What is wrong with me? 231 00:15:13,705 --> 00:15:17,499 Nothing. Nothing is wrong with you. 232 00:15:17,543 --> 00:15:19,293 How did I not know? 233 00:15:19,294 --> 00:15:22,254 Those two are sociopaths. 234 00:15:22,256 --> 00:15:24,590 This is my fault. 235 00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:28,344 I never should have talked about our relationship in my act. 236 00:15:28,345 --> 00:15:32,056 No, fuck that noise. You know what is so great about you? 237 00:15:32,266 --> 00:15:34,392 I'm good at folding the laundry? 238 00:15:34,393 --> 00:15:36,435 No, sweetie, you're terrible at folding the laundry. 239 00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:38,062 What is so great about you is that 240 00:15:38,063 --> 00:15:40,898 you are unapologetically yourself on that stage every time, 241 00:15:40,899 --> 00:15:42,900 and that's why people love you. 242 00:15:43,235 --> 00:15:44,569 Listen, I'm not gonna let 243 00:15:44,570 --> 00:15:48,072 that mouth-breather and fucking bag of bones bring you down. 244 00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:53,327 - She's actually my target weight. - That is gross. 245 00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:24,194 I guess comedy is supposed to be honest. 246 00:16:24,195 --> 00:16:27,153 So let me just tell you a little bit about me. 247 00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:30,864 As they say, I like my men the way I like my coffee. 248 00:16:30,866 --> 00:16:32,825 Disgusting, 249 00:16:32,826 --> 00:16:37,121 like, very weak and bitter, 250 00:16:38,206 --> 00:16:41,750 and cold, not sweet at all. 251 00:16:42,002 --> 00:16:45,129 Very gritty on the bottom as well. If you know coffee like that, 252 00:16:45,130 --> 00:16:48,715 I'm just like, "What is your number?" 253 00:16:49,301 --> 00:16:52,261 And now that we're all picturing a very filthy bottom, 254 00:16:52,262 --> 00:16:55,640 I think it's time to bring one to the stage. 255 00:16:55,641 --> 00:16:57,975 And she's my best friend in the entire world. 256 00:16:57,976 --> 00:17:00,811 I think you guys are gonna love her just as much as I do. 257 00:17:00,812 --> 00:17:04,648 Everyone, please welcome Donna Stern! 258 00:17:06,151 --> 00:17:07,943 Yeah! 259 00:17:08,737 --> 00:17:10,112 Here we go. 260 00:17:10,113 --> 00:17:12,406 - Everything cool? - No. 261 00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:17,369 I love that guy. 262 00:17:17,829 --> 00:17:20,623 Okay. I was in the bathroom 263 00:17:20,624 --> 00:17:24,460 'cause that is all that I have left. 264 00:17:26,171 --> 00:17:27,588 Does it count as exercise 265 00:17:27,589 --> 00:17:33,386 if you are just squeezing your body all the time super-hard, super-tight, 266 00:17:33,387 --> 00:17:35,096 'cause you're just crying so hard? 267 00:17:35,097 --> 00:17:37,014 Does that make sense to any of you? 268 00:17:37,808 --> 00:17:39,850 That was a rhetorical question. 269 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,478 I should probably turn around, right? 270 00:17:42,479 --> 00:17:43,562 No shit! 271 00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:45,648 Okay. All right. 272 00:17:45,649 --> 00:17:49,485 "No shit" yourself, sir. It's a swear. Rude. 273 00:17:51,029 --> 00:17:56,450 In case you can't tell from my deep, deep ridges on my face, 274 00:17:57,119 --> 00:18:04,125 I was recently dumped up with by a human male who is still alive. 275 00:18:04,126 --> 00:18:07,294 So, good for him. 276 00:18:07,295 --> 00:18:10,923 I feel like when someone does something bad, they should just die. 277 00:18:10,924 --> 00:18:16,595 But instead, we die a slow death and watch their happiness bloom. 278 00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:23,060 Doctor's orders. 279 00:18:30,068 --> 00:18:34,572 My very nice close friend who's such a nice person 280 00:18:34,573 --> 00:18:37,199 decided to fuck my boyfriend. 281 00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:40,119 I would love to just murder-suicide them. 282 00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:42,288 A lot of people say I look like Anne Frank. 283 00:18:42,289 --> 00:18:45,249 I would never have survived the Holocaust. That's for sure. 284 00:18:45,250 --> 00:18:47,585 If you were cool, this could be art. 285 00:18:47,586 --> 00:18:49,462 Or if I were cool. 286 00:18:49,463 --> 00:18:52,173 Is this not working for you? Do you want your money back? 287 00:18:52,174 --> 00:18:53,340 'Cause the show is free. 288 00:18:53,341 --> 00:18:55,926 I want my life back, but I can't get it back 'cause it's ruined. 289 00:18:55,927 --> 00:18:58,012 So that is a cost I have incurred. 290 00:18:58,013 --> 00:19:01,015 I'll share more. I'll share more. You guys seem to be fucking loving it. 291 00:19:01,016 --> 00:19:04,560 Full-blown affair, you know? Like, who is she? Like, Faye Dunaway? 292 00:19:04,561 --> 00:19:06,270 You know what I mean? It's, like, "Cool move." 293 00:19:06,271 --> 00:19:08,981 This kind of thing makes you think I'm pretty good at fucking, right? 294 00:19:08,982 --> 00:19:12,651 It's 'cause she's one of those fucking girls with a thread count. 295 00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:17,323 This place is a fucking shithole. So I'm really glad to be on your roster. 296 00:19:17,324 --> 00:19:20,785 She's just going up and down on his dick so slowly 297 00:19:20,786 --> 00:19:24,246 so that he knows exactly how blonde her pussy is. 298 00:19:24,247 --> 00:19:27,208 Then I just come in, and I murder-sui everything, 299 00:19:27,209 --> 00:19:30,544 and then she gets stains on her sheets. 300 00:19:33,423 --> 00:19:36,550 But anyhow... 301 00:19:37,469 --> 00:19:41,096 - That was the worst. - It wasn't that bad. 302 00:19:41,264 --> 00:19:44,600 Okay, don't get me wrong. It was horrible. 303 00:19:44,601 --> 00:19:47,061 But it wasn't the worst comedy I've ever seen. 304 00:19:47,062 --> 00:19:50,439 That was not comedy. That was not even a performance. 305 00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:52,483 That was not even performance art. 306 00:19:52,484 --> 00:19:55,902 I think a lot of people learned a lot about the Holocaust tonight. 307 00:19:56,738 --> 00:19:59,657 You know what the saddest thing about this whole terrible story is? 308 00:19:59,658 --> 00:20:03,953 It's that not only did Kate fuck my boyfriend and ruin that area of my life, 309 00:20:03,954 --> 00:20:05,162 but now I can't even do standup, 310 00:20:05,163 --> 00:20:07,540 which was the one thing about me that made me better than her. 311 00:20:07,541 --> 00:20:10,167 I hate how much you're focusing on Kate in all of this. 312 00:20:10,168 --> 00:20:13,003 If you're about to defend her right now, I'm gonna turn into a pile of dust. 313 00:20:13,004 --> 00:20:15,798 All I'm saying is, like, she didn't trick Ryan into fucking her. 314 00:20:15,799 --> 00:20:17,841 He's a fucking asshole. 315 00:20:19,636 --> 00:20:24,014 Okay. Well, this experience has been so cool for me. 316 00:20:24,015 --> 00:20:26,267 But I have to go home, and put on my sweatpants, 317 00:20:26,268 --> 00:20:28,435 and try and hold my breath until I die. 318 00:20:28,436 --> 00:20:32,189 No! You have to stay here and drink with me. We're getting wasted. Here, I'm paying. 319 00:20:35,694 --> 00:20:39,738 Hi. Can I get two Jacks and Cokes, please? 320 00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:51,709 You're really lasering into me with your peepy missiles there. 321 00:20:51,710 --> 00:20:53,460 What? 322 00:20:54,462 --> 00:20:59,007 I said that you were lasering into me with your peepy missiles. 323 00:20:59,384 --> 00:21:01,552 Are my eyes my peepy missiles? 324 00:21:01,553 --> 00:21:03,053 I'm not a doctor. 325 00:21:03,054 --> 00:21:05,597 Yeah, sorry, sorry. 326 00:21:06,433 --> 00:21:08,350 Both those drinks for you? 327 00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:11,645 Are both those faces yours? 328 00:21:12,063 --> 00:21:14,899 No, I crashed and burned this conversation. 329 00:21:14,900 --> 00:21:17,901 No! No, no, no. No, you're not. Come on. No, it's okay. 330 00:21:17,903 --> 00:21:20,529 Man, slip-ons? 331 00:21:20,530 --> 00:21:21,739 What's wrong with slip-ons? 332 00:21:21,740 --> 00:21:23,532 It's the winter! 333 00:21:23,533 --> 00:21:25,242 These are an all-purpose shoe. 334 00:21:25,243 --> 00:21:27,578 For all purposes inside of your frat house 335 00:21:27,579 --> 00:21:30,789 where everyone's going ping-pong, and throwing quarters at each other's butts, 336 00:21:30,790 --> 00:21:33,751 and throwing their house out at the end of the year. 337 00:21:33,752 --> 00:21:37,087 Yeah. Well, you know, that's what they say, "Go to Williamsburg." 338 00:21:37,088 --> 00:21:40,799 "Welcome to Brooklyn where they judge you by your shoes." It's great. 339 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,928 This isn't Williamsburg, Virginia? 340 00:21:43,929 --> 00:21:47,556 My God! I've been in the wrong Williamsburg for this whole time, man. 341 00:21:47,557 --> 00:21:49,934 Yeah. No, I haven't been to Virginia, but this is not it. 342 00:21:49,935 --> 00:21:51,018 I have. 343 00:21:51,019 --> 00:21:52,144 - You have? - Yeah. 344 00:21:52,145 --> 00:21:55,522 I went to Virginia on a class trip with my science teacher, 345 00:21:55,523 --> 00:21:58,442 because I'm a city kid, so they wanted to take us to go see, like, the country. 346 00:21:58,443 --> 00:22:00,527 And she knew where this horse had died in a field. 347 00:22:00,528 --> 00:22:04,031 She wanted to dig it up so that we could see its skeleton. 348 00:22:04,032 --> 00:22:06,533 But when we dug it up, it hadn't even decomposed at all, 349 00:22:06,534 --> 00:22:08,285 'cause that takes, like, a very long time. 350 00:22:08,286 --> 00:22:11,455 And, you know, it had worms on its face. 351 00:22:11,456 --> 00:22:14,291 That teacher should be put away. That's awful. 352 00:22:14,292 --> 00:22:17,294 - We murdered her that day in that field. - Stop, it's... 353 00:22:17,545 --> 00:22:20,256 That's the only conclusion. That's the only thing that could happen. 354 00:22:20,257 --> 00:22:23,133 No, but... You know, she was like... And all the children ran away. 355 00:22:23,134 --> 00:22:26,762 But I just stayed, and I looked at its sleeping face, you know. 356 00:22:26,763 --> 00:22:29,640 - That's a lot of story. - Yeah, it is. 357 00:22:29,641 --> 00:22:32,893 - I like your shirt. - Thank you. 358 00:22:33,436 --> 00:22:35,646 This nice shirt's name is Max. 359 00:22:35,647 --> 00:22:38,107 Hey. This lady's name is Donna. 360 00:22:38,108 --> 00:22:40,651 And my shirt's name is Brenda. 361 00:22:40,652 --> 00:22:42,945 - She's a loudmouth. - Great. 362 00:22:42,946 --> 00:22:45,989 Hi, Brenda. Hi, Donna. 363 00:22:46,199 --> 00:22:49,159 Seemed like you waved more at Brenda. 364 00:22:49,661 --> 00:22:53,747 So, Max, how did you end up here tonight? 365 00:22:54,165 --> 00:22:56,625 Clients. I'm here with some clients. 366 00:22:56,626 --> 00:22:59,378 I work for a computer company. 367 00:22:59,379 --> 00:23:04,675 We design a program that basically, if you're, like, playing a multiplayer game, 368 00:23:04,676 --> 00:23:07,511 people all over the world, it's like you're actually playing it live. 369 00:23:07,512 --> 00:23:09,680 So, it's like a phone call, and it's like you're really... 370 00:23:09,681 --> 00:23:10,848 - So it's like a phone call. - Connected. 371 00:23:10,849 --> 00:23:13,017 - I've made phone calls. That's cool. - Yeah, yeah. 372 00:23:13,018 --> 00:23:15,144 So imagine that, but with a video game. 373 00:23:15,145 --> 00:23:17,271 You pick up the phone, and you're like, 374 00:23:17,272 --> 00:23:20,649 "Hi, is computer there?" And it's like, "I'll connect you to video game"? 375 00:23:20,650 --> 00:23:24,028 Yep, it's somewhere in there, yeah. 376 00:23:24,029 --> 00:23:26,196 But one of their wives heard about this place. 377 00:23:26,197 --> 00:23:28,991 So here we are. Is there comedy in the back? 378 00:23:28,992 --> 00:23:30,284 - Yeah. - No. 379 00:23:30,285 --> 00:23:33,370 Actually, I had just hosted a show back there, and Donna performed. 380 00:23:33,371 --> 00:23:36,040 - You didn't catch any? - No, I couldn't find the room. 381 00:23:36,041 --> 00:23:37,416 That's a bummer. 382 00:23:37,417 --> 00:23:39,585 - 'Cause she was amazing tonight. - You know what? Thank you. 383 00:23:39,586 --> 00:23:41,253 Like, she's always great, 384 00:23:41,254 --> 00:23:44,465 but, like, tonight, I would say, she was, like, particularly on point. 385 00:23:44,466 --> 00:23:46,717 - Interesting. - Congrats. That's awesome. 386 00:23:46,718 --> 00:23:48,052 You do this a lot? 387 00:23:48,053 --> 00:23:49,845 Yeah, it's a habit. 388 00:23:49,846 --> 00:23:52,722 Okay. All right. 389 00:23:54,559 --> 00:23:56,268 Another round? You want to do another round? 390 00:23:56,269 --> 00:23:57,644 Yeah. Sure. 391 00:23:57,645 --> 00:23:59,313 I'll try it. I'll try drinking. 392 00:23:59,314 --> 00:24:00,481 Okay. 393 00:24:00,482 --> 00:24:02,816 - Perfect timing. - Okay, okay. 394 00:24:02,817 --> 00:24:05,235 All right. On it. 395 00:24:09,032 --> 00:24:11,617 He is hot, bro! 396 00:24:11,618 --> 00:24:15,621 Yes, he is, but he's, like, so Christian. He's like a Christmas tree. 397 00:24:15,622 --> 00:24:17,915 So be the fucking angel on top. Who gives a shit? 398 00:24:17,916 --> 00:24:21,585 I'm not the angel on top. I'm the menorah on top of the tree that burns it down. 399 00:24:21,586 --> 00:24:25,922 And they're like, "Shouldn't have had that menorah on top of me." 400 00:24:26,216 --> 00:24:28,884 - He, like, knows Santa. - Sit on him. 401 00:24:28,885 --> 00:24:31,095 "Santa, can you help me forget my memories?" 402 00:24:31,096 --> 00:24:35,057 - Yes, exactly. Now you get it. - I don't think so. That's not... 403 00:24:35,058 --> 00:24:38,852 I'm from a small little town in Vermont. 404 00:24:39,813 --> 00:24:44,024 My grammar school was in a barn. How cool is that? 405 00:24:44,025 --> 00:24:45,776 That is cool. 406 00:24:45,777 --> 00:24:48,529 Right? Pretty sweet. 407 00:24:48,530 --> 00:24:50,781 Is that a lie? Is that true? 408 00:24:50,782 --> 00:24:54,159 It's a truth. It's the truth. 409 00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:59,122 Do you think that you can tell when somebody's wearing a wig or a toupee? 410 00:25:00,250 --> 00:25:01,750 Do you have a wig on? 411 00:25:01,751 --> 00:25:02,918 I knew it. 412 00:25:02,919 --> 00:25:05,212 I have a wig over my toupee. 413 00:25:05,213 --> 00:25:06,880 Can you tell that I'm wearing a toupee? 414 00:25:06,881 --> 00:25:09,883 I was only halfway right. 415 00:25:09,884 --> 00:25:12,636 Wait till you see my merkin. 416 00:25:13,304 --> 00:25:15,013 Oh, no. 417 00:25:16,015 --> 00:25:18,350 Fuck, it is so cold out here! 418 00:25:18,351 --> 00:25:21,895 I'm afraid I'm going to get your splash-back. 419 00:25:21,896 --> 00:25:23,480 Is this illegal? 420 00:25:23,481 --> 00:25:25,315 Can we get arrested for this? 421 00:25:25,316 --> 00:25:29,444 Are you... Who are you? You've never peed in public before? 422 00:25:29,571 --> 00:25:32,906 No. That's not me. 423 00:25:32,907 --> 00:25:34,700 What about pools? 424 00:25:34,701 --> 00:25:36,702 No, no way. 425 00:25:36,703 --> 00:25:37,953 What, you pee in pools? 426 00:25:37,954 --> 00:25:41,498 I've peed in every pool I've ever been in. 427 00:25:44,419 --> 00:25:46,587 Oh, my! 428 00:25:46,588 --> 00:25:48,755 Did you just fucking fart in my face? 429 00:25:48,756 --> 00:25:50,423 No. 430 00:25:50,675 --> 00:25:53,677 Yeah. I'm... 431 00:25:53,845 --> 00:25:57,347 I'm sorry. Are you okay? 432 00:25:57,348 --> 00:25:59,725 Are you crying? 433 00:25:59,726 --> 00:26:03,019 Don't cry, okay? 434 00:26:03,521 --> 00:26:05,814 - Are you laughing? - Who would cry? 435 00:26:05,815 --> 00:26:11,027 - You farted in my face. - I'm... It happened. 436 00:26:11,029 --> 00:26:13,196 I'm sorry. 437 00:28:45,391 --> 00:28:48,226 No fucking way. 438 00:29:30,603 --> 00:29:33,855 I would not hire myself in this. 439 00:29:33,856 --> 00:29:35,440 When do you start again? 440 00:29:35,441 --> 00:29:39,736 I'm on call, which means that I only get to work if the other receptionist gets sick. 441 00:29:39,737 --> 00:29:43,281 - So we're praying for bird flu? - That's right. 442 00:29:45,159 --> 00:29:47,369 Cool, I have the dumbest mirror face in the world. 443 00:29:47,370 --> 00:29:48,537 Please, everybody does. 444 00:29:48,538 --> 00:29:50,914 No, but I look like a shih tzu. 445 00:29:50,915 --> 00:29:52,833 I look like just a little shih tzu. 446 00:29:52,834 --> 00:29:55,001 You just want to say "shit." 447 00:29:55,128 --> 00:29:57,212 You know, that's not not true. 448 00:29:57,213 --> 00:29:59,423 Here, try this on. 449 00:29:59,424 --> 00:30:04,177 Thank you so much for this flammable piece of shit 450 00:30:04,178 --> 00:30:07,305 that's gonna give me a rash in one second. 451 00:30:07,306 --> 00:30:11,101 And I also just activated, like, an old whore's BO. 452 00:30:11,102 --> 00:30:13,812 My boobs hurt really bad. 453 00:30:13,813 --> 00:30:16,189 Maybe you're pregnant. 454 00:30:25,950 --> 00:30:29,161 Hey, is this cute? I mean, if it had a button, would it be... 455 00:30:29,162 --> 00:30:30,829 What? What's wrong? 456 00:30:30,830 --> 00:30:33,123 Oh, my God, I'm pregnant. 457 00:30:33,124 --> 00:30:35,125 What? No! I was just kidding. 458 00:30:35,126 --> 00:30:37,586 No, I'm late. I'm never late. 459 00:30:37,587 --> 00:30:40,130 And my boobs are super-swollen and sore. 460 00:30:40,131 --> 00:30:41,715 No, it's just... You're getting your period. 461 00:30:41,716 --> 00:30:44,176 No, I'm never boob-sore. 462 00:30:44,177 --> 00:30:45,677 Okay, well, maybe it's stress. 463 00:30:45,678 --> 00:30:48,138 Didn't you say that when you found out you were pregnant, 464 00:30:48,139 --> 00:30:51,475 the one sign was that you had boob soreness? 465 00:30:51,476 --> 00:30:54,811 Yeah, but you and Ryan haven't had sex in months. 466 00:30:54,812 --> 00:30:56,563 I know. 467 00:30:56,564 --> 00:31:01,526 Oh, my God! You didn't use a condom with Pee Farter? 468 00:31:02,737 --> 00:31:04,571 Of course, I did. 469 00:31:04,572 --> 00:31:07,031 I don't know. 470 00:31:08,117 --> 00:31:10,451 Hold on. 471 00:31:10,661 --> 00:31:13,997 Yes, I remember seeing a condom. 472 00:31:13,998 --> 00:31:17,417 I just don't know, like, exactly what it did. 473 00:31:18,044 --> 00:31:20,253 Okay, look, you're probably not, 474 00:31:20,254 --> 00:31:22,255 but we'll go get a test. 475 00:31:22,256 --> 00:31:25,050 I have to pack up the bookstore in, like, 20 minutes. 476 00:31:25,051 --> 00:31:27,761 Okay, I'll go get a test, and I'll meet you at the bookstore. 477 00:31:27,762 --> 00:31:29,763 - Okay? - Yeah. 478 00:31:29,764 --> 00:31:33,349 It's going to be fine. I'm sure you're not. 479 00:31:33,851 --> 00:31:35,893 No, you're not. 480 00:31:41,025 --> 00:31:43,819 It's weird that you guys keep a radio on in the bathroom. 481 00:31:43,820 --> 00:31:47,489 Yeah, Gene has shy bowels, and it helps him to go. 482 00:31:47,490 --> 00:31:50,116 - Okay, I've set the timer for three minutes. - Okay. 483 00:31:50,117 --> 00:31:52,536 And... 484 00:31:52,537 --> 00:31:56,164 One line is not pregnant, and plus sign... 485 00:31:56,165 --> 00:31:58,207 You are fucked. 486 00:31:59,043 --> 00:32:02,420 One line, one line, one line. 487 00:32:02,421 --> 00:32:04,548 Just going to take a big, stinky shit while we wait. 488 00:32:04,549 --> 00:32:07,091 Perfect. Cool timing. 489 00:32:07,885 --> 00:32:09,511 Don't stare at that stick. 490 00:32:09,512 --> 00:32:12,055 Okay. I'll just... 491 00:32:17,895 --> 00:32:20,146 You're just peeing, right? 492 00:32:21,607 --> 00:32:23,608 Great. 493 00:32:24,569 --> 00:32:28,613 Do you want to hear the story about when I went to get my first pregnancy test? 494 00:32:29,073 --> 00:32:33,285 It was, like, 2.5 miles between where we lived and where the pharmacy was. 495 00:32:33,286 --> 00:32:37,497 I couldn't ask my mom to drive me, so I had to... 496 00:32:49,927 --> 00:32:54,055 If you've just tuned in, you're listening to the Donna's Brain Show, 497 00:32:54,056 --> 00:32:56,224 and I'm the voice of the brain. 498 00:32:56,225 --> 00:32:58,977 Today, I'm sitting down with the idiot in question 499 00:32:58,978 --> 00:33:03,607 who, after being dumped and losing her job, recently had... 500 00:33:03,608 --> 00:33:08,653 Excuse me. May have had unprotected sex with a stranger. 501 00:33:10,615 --> 00:33:11,990 I can't get your blouse off. 502 00:33:11,991 --> 00:33:13,074 Did I leave anything out? 503 00:33:13,075 --> 00:33:14,951 We used a condom. 504 00:33:16,120 --> 00:33:17,579 Okay, well, that's not what I heard. 505 00:33:17,580 --> 00:33:21,207 Let's do this! 506 00:33:22,460 --> 00:33:25,461 Note the razor sharp teeth. 507 00:33:26,631 --> 00:33:28,465 We should have been using our hands. 508 00:33:28,466 --> 00:33:30,425 No. No way. 509 00:33:31,135 --> 00:33:33,094 Yes! 510 00:33:33,095 --> 00:33:34,930 I don't know any wrestles. 511 00:33:34,931 --> 00:33:38,349 Did you find it? It's a five second rule. Five second rule. 512 00:33:40,019 --> 00:33:43,146 Come on. I think that it was more like... 513 00:33:43,147 --> 00:33:45,773 Here you are, sir. One condom. 514 00:33:47,234 --> 00:33:50,362 Might it be correct to say that you cannot recall? 515 00:33:50,363 --> 00:33:51,905 I'm getting a little dizzy. 516 00:33:51,906 --> 00:33:55,825 Well, you're dizzy because you played Russian roulette with your vagina. 517 00:33:55,826 --> 00:33:59,745 Did you know that Hulk Hogan's name is Terry? 518 00:34:00,623 --> 00:34:02,331 It's time. 519 00:34:03,668 --> 00:34:05,418 It's time. 520 00:34:13,177 --> 00:34:15,136 Oh, God, your face. 521 00:34:15,805 --> 00:34:18,014 Oh, my God, barf rush. 522 00:34:20,142 --> 00:34:22,102 Do I have morning sickness? 523 00:34:22,103 --> 00:34:25,522 No, that's probably just psychosomatic. 524 00:34:25,523 --> 00:34:28,024 Okay, there's two tests in the box. Let's take another one. 525 00:34:28,025 --> 00:34:31,444 - I'm sorry. I'm going to throw up. - Okay. 526 00:35:09,108 --> 00:35:11,526 - Did somebody have a bad dream? - Oh, God, Dad! 527 00:35:11,527 --> 00:35:15,238 That thing is freakin' so frightening. 528 00:35:17,241 --> 00:35:19,451 I guess I am. 529 00:35:19,452 --> 00:35:22,745 Come on, give us a... Come on, give us a kiss. 530 00:35:23,497 --> 00:35:24,914 I love you. I love you. 531 00:35:24,915 --> 00:35:27,583 Kiss yourself. 532 00:35:27,918 --> 00:35:30,503 It's, like, 100 degrees in here. 533 00:35:30,504 --> 00:35:33,089 Puppets work best in heat. 534 00:35:54,153 --> 00:35:56,779 Hi, Don. Thanks for waiting. 535 00:35:59,075 --> 00:36:00,575 It's Donna. 536 00:36:00,576 --> 00:36:04,162 I'm so sorry. Must have missed the "na." 537 00:36:04,163 --> 00:36:05,830 Where are my glasses? 538 00:36:05,831 --> 00:36:07,707 Here. 539 00:36:07,917 --> 00:36:10,668 Thank you, Donna. 540 00:36:12,129 --> 00:36:15,757 Your test came back positive, and you are indeed pregnant. 541 00:36:15,758 --> 00:36:17,508 Fuck! 542 00:36:24,183 --> 00:36:25,809 Sorry for cursing. 543 00:36:25,810 --> 00:36:28,227 That's all right. I've heard it all. 544 00:36:28,854 --> 00:36:31,731 So, let's talk about your options. 545 00:36:33,400 --> 00:36:36,360 I would like an abortion, please. 546 00:36:36,695 --> 00:36:39,614 That sounds very insensitive. I'm not sure. 547 00:36:39,615 --> 00:36:41,616 Sounds like I was ordering at a drive-through, 548 00:36:41,617 --> 00:36:46,037 but I would like an abortion, please. 549 00:36:46,038 --> 00:36:48,873 It's important that you've put a lot of thought into this, 550 00:36:48,874 --> 00:36:52,168 and that this decision is entirely yours. 551 00:36:52,211 --> 00:36:55,421 I'd also like to provide you with all the information you need about abortion 552 00:36:55,422 --> 00:36:57,757 as well as other options. 553 00:36:57,758 --> 00:36:59,425 Yeah. 554 00:37:00,010 --> 00:37:02,387 I have thought about it, 555 00:37:02,388 --> 00:37:05,389 and this is what I need to do. 556 00:37:05,766 --> 00:37:07,516 Okay. 557 00:37:09,687 --> 00:37:12,856 So, based on the first day of your last period, 558 00:37:12,857 --> 00:37:17,694 you're about three weeks along, which is pretty early. 559 00:37:17,695 --> 00:37:22,532 In fact, it's too early to get the procedure done with us. 560 00:37:22,533 --> 00:37:23,825 Okay. 561 00:37:23,826 --> 00:37:26,411 It means you need to wait. 562 00:37:26,412 --> 00:37:29,205 I'd like to set the appointment for two weeks from today. 563 00:37:29,206 --> 00:37:32,333 That'll put it on the 14th. 564 00:37:32,543 --> 00:37:35,378 - February 14th? - Yeah. 565 00:37:36,881 --> 00:37:38,256 Oh, my! 566 00:37:38,257 --> 00:37:41,300 I guess we could do it the day after. 567 00:37:42,386 --> 00:37:45,137 That's my mom's birthday. 568 00:37:48,017 --> 00:37:50,226 Can't even get an abortion right. 569 00:37:50,644 --> 00:37:53,229 I'm guessing you wouldn't want to wait too much longer. 570 00:37:53,230 --> 00:37:56,065 No, let's have it... 571 00:37:56,400 --> 00:37:59,235 Let's do it on Valentine's Day. 572 00:38:00,154 --> 00:38:04,032 Give this card to the receptionist on your way out, and she'll schedule you. 573 00:38:04,033 --> 00:38:06,117 Okay. 574 00:38:08,204 --> 00:38:10,747 I should probably ask. 575 00:38:10,748 --> 00:38:13,499 How much does this cost? 576 00:38:13,500 --> 00:38:17,545 An in-clinic procedure costs about $500. 577 00:38:17,796 --> 00:38:19,630 Really? 578 00:38:22,509 --> 00:38:24,552 Sorry. 579 00:38:26,555 --> 00:38:30,516 That's, like, my whole rent almost. 580 00:38:31,352 --> 00:38:36,231 But the cost also covers an HIV test as well as STD testing. 581 00:38:36,232 --> 00:38:37,982 Do you have insurance? 582 00:38:39,235 --> 00:38:43,112 Well, if not, we can provide financial assistance if you qualify. 583 00:38:43,280 --> 00:38:46,574 - Do you have Medicaid? - No. 584 00:38:46,951 --> 00:38:50,119 Any friends or family that can help? 585 00:38:56,168 --> 00:38:58,794 Okay, I'm out of tape now. 586 00:38:59,672 --> 00:39:03,424 Hey, little lady, is there any more tape? 587 00:39:03,425 --> 00:39:05,176 Yeah. 588 00:39:05,177 --> 00:39:09,054 Yes, there is tape in the bathroom on the top shelf. 589 00:39:33,289 --> 00:39:35,373 I did the first scream for screaming, 590 00:39:35,374 --> 00:39:38,835 and then the second scream I had from scaring myself from the first scream. 591 00:39:38,836 --> 00:39:41,003 Yeah, I saw that. 592 00:39:41,588 --> 00:39:44,548 - I'm gonna come in now, okay? - Yeah. 593 00:39:45,342 --> 00:39:47,427 What are you doing here? 594 00:39:47,428 --> 00:39:49,095 You said you worked here, so... 595 00:39:49,096 --> 00:39:50,971 Sure. 596 00:39:54,018 --> 00:39:57,603 The Savage Detectives. This book is amazing. 597 00:39:57,604 --> 00:40:01,190 Well, it can be yours for 99 cents. 598 00:40:01,191 --> 00:40:05,611 Hey, I just passed a Mexican food truck on the way over here. 599 00:40:05,612 --> 00:40:09,114 Do you wanna go get a bite? 600 00:40:10,868 --> 00:40:13,369 When we hung out before, you said... 601 00:40:17,708 --> 00:40:21,711 You said that you could mouth fuck the shit out of a burrito. 602 00:40:21,712 --> 00:40:23,921 God damn it. 603 00:40:24,631 --> 00:40:26,507 - Yeah. - Okay. 604 00:40:26,508 --> 00:40:30,803 Also, do you remember urinating in the street? 605 00:40:31,722 --> 00:40:33,556 Among other things. 606 00:40:33,557 --> 00:40:35,266 What? 607 00:40:36,268 --> 00:40:39,395 - That was the main move. - All right. 608 00:40:40,397 --> 00:40:42,482 If you have time, take a little break? 609 00:40:42,483 --> 00:40:46,444 Well, I can't leave the store unmanned, un-womaned. 610 00:40:46,445 --> 00:40:49,655 Of course, sure. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 611 00:40:50,366 --> 00:40:51,866 All right. 612 00:40:52,076 --> 00:40:53,868 Well... 613 00:40:54,411 --> 00:40:56,912 I'd love to take you out sometime on a proper date. 614 00:41:01,293 --> 00:41:03,753 Well, here's the thing, 615 00:41:03,754 --> 00:41:08,132 is that the store is closing down, and it's a hard time, 616 00:41:08,133 --> 00:41:11,677 and it's gonna take forever, and I have to put all the books in the boxes. 617 00:41:11,678 --> 00:41:12,804 None of them are in the boxes. 618 00:41:12,805 --> 00:41:15,473 I'm the only thing in a box, and I'm not a book. 619 00:41:15,474 --> 00:41:18,017 - Not yet. - Yeah. Okay. 620 00:41:19,186 --> 00:41:20,645 Totally. 621 00:41:20,646 --> 00:41:22,938 Yeah, don't worry about it. 622 00:41:26,944 --> 00:41:29,612 Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. 623 00:41:29,613 --> 00:41:32,489 I have a copy of this already. 624 00:41:37,871 --> 00:41:41,124 Well, good luck with the closing. 625 00:41:41,125 --> 00:41:43,792 Thanks. You, too. 626 00:41:48,841 --> 00:41:51,634 I can't believe he walked into the store. That's a sign. 627 00:41:51,635 --> 00:41:54,053 And that would be a sign saying... 628 00:41:54,054 --> 00:41:57,223 Like, that I'm a present in a box, 629 00:41:57,224 --> 00:41:59,600 and that he and I should go and start our beautiful life together. 630 00:41:59,601 --> 00:42:02,937 - You know, I'm not a straight guy... - What? 631 00:42:02,938 --> 00:42:05,731 ...but my guess is that most of them would hate that gift. 632 00:42:05,732 --> 00:42:08,151 What? You're saying 633 00:42:08,152 --> 00:42:10,486 that a guy doesn't want a drunk, pregnant girl in a box? 634 00:42:10,487 --> 00:42:12,071 If you're a serial killer. 635 00:42:12,072 --> 00:42:15,824 Maybe you wanna tell him. 636 00:42:16,243 --> 00:42:17,827 No. Why? Why? 637 00:42:17,828 --> 00:42:20,079 You don't owe him anything. You don't even know this guy. 638 00:42:20,080 --> 00:42:22,457 Maybe he just deserves to know that, like, this happened. 639 00:42:22,458 --> 00:42:26,085 That I'm not psycho, and I'm going to get an abortion. 640 00:42:26,086 --> 00:42:28,754 You know, if I got someone pregnant, I would wanna know. 641 00:42:28,755 --> 00:42:31,174 If you got someone pregnant, I would also want to know. 642 00:42:31,175 --> 00:42:32,842 Probably every newspaper would want to know, 643 00:42:32,843 --> 00:42:35,011 'cause all of a sudden, some dude's mouth would be pregnant. 644 00:42:35,012 --> 00:42:37,680 My God, you guys, stop it with the crazy jokes. 645 00:42:37,681 --> 00:42:39,557 Why do you care what he needs to know or not? 646 00:42:39,558 --> 00:42:42,226 You are the one who has to get this procedure, pay for it, 647 00:42:42,227 --> 00:42:44,479 wear the fucking pad with the big wings, okay? 648 00:42:44,480 --> 00:42:46,981 You think if he was pregnant, he would be worrying about you right now? 649 00:42:46,982 --> 00:42:49,275 No, he'd be trying to get that fucking thing out of his body. 650 00:42:49,276 --> 00:42:52,236 God damn it! You guys, we already live in a patriarchal society 651 00:42:52,237 --> 00:42:56,073 where a bunch of weird old white men in robes get to legislate our cunts. 652 00:42:56,074 --> 00:42:58,201 You just need to be worrying about yourself. 653 00:42:58,202 --> 00:43:02,663 And why are you looking at me like that, you little bitches? 654 00:43:02,664 --> 00:43:07,876 Everything you're saying is valid, but you are scaring my dick off. 655 00:43:08,253 --> 00:43:13,298 Anyway, if your gut is to tell him, I say do it, because he seems sweet. 656 00:43:13,550 --> 00:43:15,509 I'm exhausted now. 657 00:43:18,388 --> 00:43:22,141 - Does it hurt? - Does what hurt? 658 00:43:23,060 --> 00:43:25,353 You know, only you would know if your vagina hurts or not. 659 00:43:25,354 --> 00:43:28,064 Okay. Does having an abortion hurt? 660 00:43:28,065 --> 00:43:33,402 No, except for some cramps afterwards, but they feel just like period cramps. 661 00:43:35,948 --> 00:43:38,241 Just take me through it snip-by-snip. 662 00:43:38,242 --> 00:43:40,409 Okay, first of all, there is no snips, 663 00:43:40,410 --> 00:43:43,371 and the whole thing literally takes, like, five minutes. 664 00:43:43,372 --> 00:43:45,790 That's amazing. You don't even have to clear your schedge. 665 00:43:45,791 --> 00:43:48,584 No, you still need the whole day. Because they talk to you for a while. 666 00:43:48,585 --> 00:43:53,047 Well, you don't have to clear your schedge, 'cause there's nothing on it. 667 00:43:53,048 --> 00:43:54,966 How often do you think about it? 668 00:43:54,967 --> 00:43:58,135 I think about it sometimes. Once in a while. 669 00:43:58,136 --> 00:44:01,973 And then I get really sad for my little teenage self. 670 00:44:01,974 --> 00:44:04,558 But I never regret it. 671 00:44:05,102 --> 00:44:06,602 And did you ever tell your mom? 672 00:44:06,603 --> 00:44:09,438 No, she thought I was at field hockey. 673 00:44:09,439 --> 00:44:13,275 - Were you the goalie? - Of course I was the goalie. 674 00:44:20,701 --> 00:44:22,201 I'm glad you're here. 675 00:44:22,202 --> 00:44:23,369 You're so jumpy. 676 00:44:23,370 --> 00:44:26,122 You're like an Eileen Fisher ninja. 677 00:44:26,123 --> 00:44:29,041 I wanted to continue our discussion about your future. 678 00:44:29,042 --> 00:44:33,170 Okay, well, I have something that I would like to talk to you about as well. 679 00:44:33,171 --> 00:44:35,548 - I'd like to go first. - Great. 680 00:44:35,549 --> 00:44:37,174 I couldn't sleep last night. 681 00:44:37,175 --> 00:44:39,760 So I made a spreadsheet of all of your expenses, 682 00:44:39,761 --> 00:44:44,432 job opportunities and miscellaneous tasks that I think you should focus on. 683 00:44:44,433 --> 00:44:47,101 Okay, well, you didn't need to do that. 684 00:44:47,102 --> 00:44:48,686 No shit. 685 00:44:48,687 --> 00:44:52,148 I have a student in my office right now, and I have one about to deliver something. 686 00:44:52,149 --> 00:44:55,317 So, we'll do it afterwards, all right? 687 00:44:56,486 --> 00:45:02,991 And could you please go through the mail? I'm still getting your student loan crap. 688 00:45:07,914 --> 00:45:09,790 It's open. 689 00:45:12,502 --> 00:45:14,002 Hello. 690 00:45:14,379 --> 00:45:16,338 Are you fucking kidding me? 691 00:45:16,715 --> 00:45:18,298 Fuck! 692 00:45:18,884 --> 00:45:21,343 I'm sorry. I just... 693 00:45:22,638 --> 00:45:25,013 I'm not stalking you. This isn't a... 694 00:45:25,432 --> 00:45:27,183 Oh, my God. 695 00:45:27,184 --> 00:45:29,769 Professor Stern. I'm just... I'm looking for Professor Stern. 696 00:45:29,770 --> 00:45:32,396 Yeah. She's my mom. 697 00:45:32,397 --> 00:45:34,690 - She's your mom? - Yeah. 698 00:45:35,692 --> 00:45:37,693 She's a genius. 699 00:45:37,694 --> 00:45:41,697 Okay, seriously though, she's, like, the best professor I had in business school. 700 00:45:41,865 --> 00:45:44,659 I see you about to roll your eyes again, all right? But that's that truth. 701 00:45:44,660 --> 00:45:46,619 She lit a fire in my belly. 702 00:45:46,620 --> 00:45:49,079 Okay. Well, that's called diarrhea. 703 00:45:49,831 --> 00:45:52,708 I'm sorry, but you just handed that one to me like a little present. 704 00:45:52,709 --> 00:45:55,752 Yeah, you know, we've hung out before. 705 00:45:56,672 --> 00:46:02,343 Anyway, your mother lent me this book a couple of months ago, 706 00:46:02,344 --> 00:46:05,262 and I'm just trying to get it back to her, so... 707 00:46:05,263 --> 00:46:07,097 Thank you. 708 00:46:07,265 --> 00:46:09,474 Come on. 709 00:46:09,810 --> 00:46:11,643 You made fun of my shoes? 710 00:46:12,020 --> 00:46:14,229 These are my mom's. 711 00:46:15,315 --> 00:46:17,108 Do you wanna try them on? 712 00:46:17,109 --> 00:46:18,775 No. 713 00:46:19,820 --> 00:46:22,279 All right, yeah, I would. 714 00:46:35,544 --> 00:46:37,085 That's amazing. 715 00:46:37,796 --> 00:46:39,839 I don't do hard drugs, 716 00:46:39,840 --> 00:46:42,633 but I imagine this is what it feels like to shoot heroin. 717 00:46:42,634 --> 00:46:44,343 Yeah, they're so soft. 718 00:46:44,344 --> 00:46:47,179 They're made out of, like, angel's titty skins. 719 00:46:47,931 --> 00:46:51,683 Yeah, and then she said that, so... 720 00:46:52,561 --> 00:46:54,603 There you go. 721 00:47:04,614 --> 00:47:06,406 So... 722 00:47:10,120 --> 00:47:13,580 Sorry, do you wanna go get some food or something? 723 00:47:17,127 --> 00:47:18,794 Are you two ready to order? 724 00:47:18,795 --> 00:47:21,464 - You know what? Actually, I haven't had... - Yes. Yes, yes. 725 00:47:21,465 --> 00:47:24,633 We'll each have the chicken piccata over linguine, please. 726 00:47:24,634 --> 00:47:27,594 Of course. Your favorite. 727 00:47:27,888 --> 00:47:29,888 Thank you. 728 00:47:32,142 --> 00:47:34,351 You are a serious regular. 729 00:47:34,352 --> 00:47:38,814 It's, like, the one place where I can go and wear my diaper and feel that I fit in. 730 00:47:38,815 --> 00:47:40,732 Got it. 731 00:47:41,485 --> 00:47:44,904 I also don't normally order for the person that I'm with at a restaurant, 732 00:47:44,905 --> 00:47:48,616 but the chicken piccata is the best that this place has to offer. 733 00:47:48,617 --> 00:47:51,118 It's the gem. It's the crown jewel. 734 00:47:51,119 --> 00:47:53,328 You got to have it. 735 00:47:53,497 --> 00:47:58,000 Well, there is nothing better than some hot bread and butter. 736 00:47:58,001 --> 00:47:59,751 Yeah. 737 00:48:01,379 --> 00:48:03,380 Here you go. 738 00:48:06,009 --> 00:48:08,385 Did you just warm this butter up for me? 739 00:48:08,386 --> 00:48:10,053 Yeah. 740 00:48:11,014 --> 00:48:13,307 That's really nice. 741 00:48:15,852 --> 00:48:18,478 That's just what you do. 742 00:48:21,024 --> 00:48:23,734 Max, I have something I wanna tell you. 743 00:48:23,735 --> 00:48:25,610 What's up? 744 00:48:30,450 --> 00:48:33,035 I have to go to the bathroom. 745 00:48:33,286 --> 00:48:34,995 Great. 746 00:48:34,996 --> 00:48:36,788 I kind of walked into that one, huh? 747 00:48:37,541 --> 00:48:38,791 Indeed. 748 00:48:38,792 --> 00:48:41,084 Aren't you wearing a diaper? 749 00:48:41,294 --> 00:48:43,379 Yeah, I'm not gonna spend it on a number one. 750 00:48:43,380 --> 00:48:46,923 - Okay. - Diaper is for the heavy lifting. 751 00:48:51,304 --> 00:48:55,724 Hey, Max, remember from before when we did sex to each other? 752 00:48:59,896 --> 00:49:03,399 Max, I love you. I'm having your abortion. 753 00:49:03,400 --> 00:49:05,109 Do you wanna share a dessert? 754 00:49:05,110 --> 00:49:09,154 Lead with that. Definitely lead with that. Perfect. That's perfect. 755 00:49:11,575 --> 00:49:13,533 - Hey. - Hello. 756 00:49:21,877 --> 00:49:24,419 Do you see this couple? 757 00:49:25,255 --> 00:49:26,964 Yeah. 758 00:49:26,965 --> 00:49:29,383 They're incredible. 759 00:49:29,384 --> 00:49:33,596 The entire time you were gone, she has been reading off the menu to him, 760 00:49:33,597 --> 00:49:36,765 and he points at a new item, and she just tells him what it is. 761 00:49:38,518 --> 00:49:42,104 Maybe he just likes to hear his favorite things read out loud. 762 00:49:42,105 --> 00:49:44,022 That's what I thought. 763 00:49:44,399 --> 00:49:46,525 I just love couples like this. 764 00:49:46,943 --> 00:49:49,027 It's not a line. 765 00:49:49,154 --> 00:49:51,780 But I can't wait to be a grandpa. 766 00:49:53,158 --> 00:49:55,325 Man, yeah. 767 00:50:01,625 --> 00:50:05,127 Really hitting that bread. You're gonna have room for that piccata? 768 00:50:05,378 --> 00:50:07,796 - Two. - Yeah? Okay. 769 00:50:13,511 --> 00:50:15,554 You got any shows coming up? 770 00:50:15,555 --> 00:50:18,641 I do. I have one tomorrow night actually. 771 00:50:18,642 --> 00:50:21,143 - Awesome. - Yeah. 772 00:50:21,645 --> 00:50:24,980 - Where? - Same place. Always same place. 773 00:50:24,981 --> 00:50:26,982 Cool. Cool. 774 00:50:28,234 --> 00:50:30,027 Can I come? 775 00:50:30,028 --> 00:50:33,155 - Shit. Shit! Shit! - I don't have to. 776 00:50:33,156 --> 00:50:35,532 No, no, no. You stepped in shit. 777 00:50:35,533 --> 00:50:37,284 - What? - Shit! 778 00:50:37,661 --> 00:50:39,494 Come on! 779 00:50:39,788 --> 00:50:43,498 - These are my only shoes. - Yeah, yeah, I know. 780 00:50:44,250 --> 00:50:46,585 - This is great. You're just... - No, no. I'm just... 781 00:50:46,586 --> 00:50:48,754 I'm glad it's... Yeah. 782 00:50:48,755 --> 00:50:50,673 I'm just, you know, just trying to get... 783 00:50:50,674 --> 00:50:52,716 You stamped right down on the doodie. 784 00:50:52,717 --> 00:50:54,843 Okay! 785 00:50:55,303 --> 00:50:57,179 All right. 786 00:50:57,180 --> 00:50:58,722 - You almost got it out? - Yeah. 787 00:50:58,723 --> 00:51:01,308 You're almost cleared? 788 00:51:01,726 --> 00:51:03,352 Yep. Okay. All right. 789 00:51:03,353 --> 00:51:07,189 Well, I'm gonna go get some bleach, and I'll see you tomorrow. 790 00:51:07,190 --> 00:51:09,399 - Okay. - Good night. 791 00:51:09,859 --> 00:51:13,570 Are you limping? I don't wanna get it on my pants. 792 00:51:14,698 --> 00:51:18,200 Yeah. My father was, like, a funny dude, man, my father. 793 00:51:18,201 --> 00:51:20,035 I think he's the reason why I do comedy. 794 00:51:20,078 --> 00:51:23,998 He's like a cross between Bill Cosby and Richard Pryor. 795 00:51:23,999 --> 00:51:28,377 He was Cosby, like, in that he'd hide snacks around the house. 796 00:51:28,378 --> 00:51:30,462 And he was like Richard Pryor 797 00:51:30,463 --> 00:51:32,547 in that he freebased cocaine. 798 00:51:33,758 --> 00:51:35,300 Can I get a seltzer? 799 00:51:35,301 --> 00:51:37,094 What's up? 800 00:51:37,095 --> 00:51:39,721 You're a jumpy little kitty. 801 00:51:39,889 --> 00:51:41,098 When do I go on? 802 00:51:41,099 --> 00:51:42,391 It's what I wanted to talk to you about. 803 00:51:42,392 --> 00:51:45,477 We're gonna have to end early, set up for an '80s dance party. 804 00:51:45,478 --> 00:51:50,065 No. Can you just let me get five minutes? I just wanna do five minutes. 805 00:51:50,066 --> 00:51:52,234 You still doing that break-up material? 806 00:51:52,277 --> 00:51:56,655 I'm just doing my comedy, which is just talking about my life, so... 807 00:51:57,240 --> 00:51:59,575 Don't look at my shit while I'm writing it down, man. 808 00:51:59,576 --> 00:52:00,909 What? No, that's funny. 809 00:52:00,910 --> 00:52:03,120 I think my bodega man judges me, too. 810 00:52:03,121 --> 00:52:04,996 Yeah. 811 00:52:05,790 --> 00:52:07,249 How was Los Angeles? 812 00:52:07,250 --> 00:52:08,584 Nice deflection. 813 00:52:08,585 --> 00:52:12,588 Yeah, I was in LA for three weeks, three shitty weeks. 814 00:52:12,589 --> 00:52:14,923 I fucking hate that place. 815 00:52:14,924 --> 00:52:17,384 Running around, driving a gold Kia. That's all they had. 816 00:52:17,385 --> 00:52:18,552 Well, there was a screw-up... 817 00:52:18,553 --> 00:52:20,637 Had to drive a gold Kia? 818 00:52:20,638 --> 00:52:23,390 I did not pick out a gold Kia. 819 00:52:23,391 --> 00:52:27,436 I would pick out a pewter Kia, taupe, tasmine, 820 00:52:27,437 --> 00:52:31,356 which is combo of taupe and jasmine. 821 00:52:31,357 --> 00:52:37,445 But it now looks like I will be moving out there for pilot season. 822 00:52:37,655 --> 00:52:39,990 - Really? - Yeah. 823 00:52:40,492 --> 00:52:42,617 I sold a pilot. 824 00:52:43,119 --> 00:52:44,203 Congrats. 825 00:52:44,204 --> 00:52:46,454 Yeah, but let's get out of here. 826 00:52:46,706 --> 00:52:49,291 Seriously. No, Donna, listen to me. 827 00:52:49,292 --> 00:52:51,752 I'm house sitting for this crazy rich friend of mine. 828 00:52:51,753 --> 00:52:52,836 I mean crazy rich. 829 00:52:52,837 --> 00:52:54,379 It's awesome. It's huge. 830 00:52:54,380 --> 00:52:58,967 All modern like the stuff when you read in the back of the rich people's magazines 831 00:52:58,968 --> 00:53:00,886 that they have at the airport. 832 00:53:00,887 --> 00:53:03,555 - Man, I don't know. - Donna, you haven't hung out in forever. 833 00:53:03,556 --> 00:53:05,057 Let's go. It'll be mad nice. 834 00:53:05,058 --> 00:53:07,309 We'll get a crew together. It'll be like the old times. 835 00:53:07,310 --> 00:53:09,978 What rap group from 1997 are you in? 836 00:53:09,979 --> 00:53:12,147 Whodini. 837 00:53:12,398 --> 00:53:15,025 No, it was two different kinds of mustard. 838 00:53:15,026 --> 00:53:19,321 Man, it's colder than a witch's titty out here. There we go. 839 00:53:21,074 --> 00:53:22,866 - No, did I miss it? - Yeah. 840 00:53:22,867 --> 00:53:24,368 I'm so sorry. 841 00:53:24,369 --> 00:53:26,912 Work was hectic. I was trying to leave three hours ago. 842 00:53:26,913 --> 00:53:28,747 That's okay. 843 00:53:28,873 --> 00:53:30,165 I'm actually leaving now, though. 844 00:53:30,166 --> 00:53:33,752 I'm gonna go hang out with some comedians. 845 00:53:35,421 --> 00:53:37,965 - You coming or what? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just one sec. 846 00:53:37,966 --> 00:53:40,926 I mean, you can come, but I just think it might be boring 847 00:53:40,927 --> 00:53:44,346 or actually very depressing probably. 848 00:53:45,598 --> 00:53:47,266 Is it just the two of you? 849 00:53:47,267 --> 00:53:49,017 It's not like that. 850 00:53:49,978 --> 00:53:52,520 That's what it looks like. 851 00:53:53,648 --> 00:53:58,610 Well, thank you for coming to Brooklyn, but you didn't have to. 852 00:53:58,945 --> 00:54:00,028 You invited me. 853 00:54:00,029 --> 00:54:03,282 Well, I didn't think that we made, like, concrete plans. 854 00:54:03,283 --> 00:54:06,034 Yo, this driver is getting disgruntled. 855 00:54:06,035 --> 00:54:09,246 Okay, one sec. I need to go, but I am sorry. 856 00:54:09,247 --> 00:54:10,955 Me, too. 857 00:54:11,708 --> 00:54:13,541 Have fun. 858 00:54:17,839 --> 00:54:22,134 My therapist, this is for real, 859 00:54:22,135 --> 00:54:27,556 refers to standup as plays. I'm serious. 860 00:54:27,557 --> 00:54:31,435 Like, "You did a play last night. How was your play? 861 00:54:31,436 --> 00:54:32,728 "How was your play? Was it good?" 862 00:54:32,729 --> 00:54:36,064 - Is your therapist your nana? - No, she's your nana actually. 863 00:54:36,065 --> 00:54:38,650 - Nana! - That's why I go to her. 864 00:54:38,651 --> 00:54:40,110 Yeah. 865 00:54:40,111 --> 00:54:42,487 - Dominican woman, right? - Right. 866 00:54:42,488 --> 00:54:46,074 Yeah, pear-shaped, huge Marley fan. 867 00:54:46,075 --> 00:54:50,412 Yeah. No, you've definitely, yeah, nailed down my lineage. 868 00:54:50,413 --> 00:54:53,081 All right, well... 869 00:54:58,504 --> 00:55:01,256 Hey, how come we've never done this before? 870 00:55:02,675 --> 00:55:08,680 Because a few years ago, I rejected you, and you've been the worst to me ever since. 871 00:55:12,268 --> 00:55:14,102 So cheers. 872 00:55:14,646 --> 00:55:16,438 Right. 873 00:55:17,232 --> 00:55:19,524 Shit. Fuck! 874 00:55:21,236 --> 00:55:23,654 I have a stain stick. I really do. 875 00:55:23,655 --> 00:55:27,741 That's all chemicals. This is wine. I got to soak it. 876 00:55:42,048 --> 00:55:43,131 What? 877 00:55:43,132 --> 00:55:45,008 It was either this or the baggy sweatshirt. 878 00:55:45,009 --> 00:55:48,011 Then why didn't you choose the baggy sweatshirt? 879 00:55:48,012 --> 00:55:49,638 'Cause I wanted to look nice for you. 880 00:55:49,639 --> 00:55:50,931 Oh, my God. 881 00:55:50,932 --> 00:55:54,059 It's gonna be very hard to have a conversation with you 882 00:55:54,060 --> 00:55:56,812 while you're wearing that ladies' camisole. 883 00:55:56,813 --> 00:55:59,731 Well, then I'll do all the talking. 884 00:56:00,316 --> 00:56:01,775 What were we talking about? 885 00:56:01,776 --> 00:56:04,486 I don't know. You just erased my mind. 886 00:56:04,696 --> 00:56:06,738 Break-ups. 887 00:56:06,823 --> 00:56:08,699 Yeah. 888 00:56:08,700 --> 00:56:12,410 I just recently went through a pretty bad one. 889 00:56:12,620 --> 00:56:15,330 - She cheated on you? - Worse. 890 00:56:15,331 --> 00:56:19,626 What's worse than getting cheated on? Think about it. 891 00:56:20,336 --> 00:56:23,255 I mean, I don't understand how a person 892 00:56:23,256 --> 00:56:26,341 who can claim that they love you, act like they love you, 893 00:56:26,342 --> 00:56:28,510 say it in words, say it in action, 894 00:56:28,511 --> 00:56:34,641 can then turn around in that same breath and tell you 895 00:56:34,976 --> 00:56:37,644 that they don't do anal. 896 00:56:37,687 --> 00:56:40,105 For Christ's sake. Jesus Christ. 897 00:56:40,106 --> 00:56:42,357 What? I was kidding. 898 00:56:42,358 --> 00:56:44,443 Are you leaving? 899 00:56:44,444 --> 00:56:46,737 Yeah, I'm gonna do that now. 900 00:56:46,738 --> 00:56:48,363 I was kidding. 901 00:56:49,282 --> 00:56:50,532 Of course she did anal. 902 00:56:50,533 --> 00:56:51,700 You're an idiot. 903 00:56:51,701 --> 00:56:54,077 No, she was Greek Catholic. You know how they are. 904 00:56:54,078 --> 00:56:57,622 I don't care about the anal or your stupid loft or any... 905 00:56:57,623 --> 00:57:00,584 I can't even believe I've made it this deep into this experience. 906 00:57:00,585 --> 00:57:03,920 You know what I think, is that you should stay the night here, 907 00:57:03,921 --> 00:57:09,259 and we can keep talking and work some stuff out. 908 00:57:10,386 --> 00:57:14,056 Donna, come on. You didn't even see the shower. 909 00:57:14,057 --> 00:57:18,518 Donna! All right, I'm gonna jerk off. You're missing it. 910 00:57:39,082 --> 00:57:42,208 Hi, it's Donna. 911 00:57:42,794 --> 00:57:46,004 I'm really sorry about tonight. I'm really, really sorry. 912 00:57:46,005 --> 00:57:50,049 I never should have just... 913 00:57:50,134 --> 00:57:54,721 I saw you, and I got very nervous. I got taken by surprise. 914 00:57:54,722 --> 00:57:56,598 I have something that I wanna talk to you about, 915 00:57:56,599 --> 00:57:59,017 and I've been meaning to talk to you. 916 00:57:59,018 --> 00:58:01,686 And I don't wanna leave it on your voicemail. 917 00:58:01,687 --> 00:58:05,107 So, will you call me back, please? 918 00:58:05,108 --> 00:58:07,400 Thank you. Bye-bye. 919 00:58:16,285 --> 00:58:18,745 Sir, can you turn around and go to Manhattan, please? 920 00:58:18,746 --> 00:58:21,039 You said Brooklyn. 921 00:58:21,040 --> 00:58:23,207 I changed my mind. 922 00:59:06,461 --> 00:59:08,002 Hi. 923 00:59:09,338 --> 00:59:11,297 Are you sick? 924 00:59:12,550 --> 00:59:14,009 What time is it? 925 00:59:14,010 --> 00:59:16,052 I think probably midnight. 926 00:59:16,053 --> 00:59:18,680 What's wrong? What going on? 927 00:59:18,681 --> 00:59:21,474 Mom, can I come in bed with you? 928 00:59:21,767 --> 00:59:23,351 Yeah. 929 00:59:24,812 --> 00:59:27,522 What's the matter, sweetie? 930 00:59:27,982 --> 00:59:30,525 Talk to me. 931 00:59:35,406 --> 00:59:39,117 I'm pregnant, and I'm having an abortion. 932 00:59:42,079 --> 00:59:43,872 Thank God. 933 00:59:43,873 --> 00:59:45,957 I thought you were gonna tell me you were moving to LA. 934 00:59:45,958 --> 00:59:48,876 What? No. 935 00:59:51,214 --> 00:59:54,049 God. I was so scared to tell you. 936 00:59:54,050 --> 00:59:58,053 Sweetheart, I know that we haven't been getting along lately, 937 00:59:58,054 --> 01:00:01,639 but you should never be afraid to talk to me. 938 01:00:02,892 --> 01:00:04,976 I was... 939 01:00:08,397 --> 01:00:14,986 I was scared that you'd be very angry and very disappointed. 940 01:00:14,987 --> 01:00:17,321 Well, I'm neither. 941 01:00:18,866 --> 01:00:22,494 Look, I can't believe I never told you this, 942 01:00:22,495 --> 01:00:26,039 but when I was in college, I had an abortion. 943 01:00:26,582 --> 01:00:29,709 - Dad's? - No. God. Not your father's. 944 01:00:29,710 --> 01:00:33,296 No, it was my college boyfriend's, Robert. 945 01:00:33,923 --> 01:00:36,925 And abortions were illegal in those days, 946 01:00:36,926 --> 01:00:41,680 so your grandma had to drive me in the family station wagon 947 01:00:41,681 --> 01:00:43,765 all the way to New Jersey. 948 01:00:43,766 --> 01:00:47,686 And we had to go to some stranger's apartment. 949 01:00:47,687 --> 01:00:50,272 When I got up there, there was 12 other women 950 01:00:50,273 --> 01:00:53,649 just sitting there in some kind of stupor. 951 01:00:53,901 --> 01:00:57,487 And they put me up on the kitchen table, 952 01:00:57,488 --> 01:01:00,448 they gave me some kind of shot to put me out, 953 01:01:00,449 --> 01:01:02,241 and that was that. 954 01:01:02,285 --> 01:01:06,871 Next night, I was dancing at your aunt's sweet 16 party. 955 01:01:10,001 --> 01:01:11,709 I didn't know that. 956 01:01:15,590 --> 01:01:18,758 You know, I was going through some old papers, 957 01:01:18,759 --> 01:01:22,220 and I found this book the other day 958 01:01:22,221 --> 01:01:25,974 that you had written when you were 11 years old. 959 01:01:25,975 --> 01:01:29,519 - I wrote a book? - Yes, you don't remember? 960 01:01:30,396 --> 01:01:31,646 You wrote it to me. 961 01:01:31,647 --> 01:01:35,441 You sent me a chapter every week from camp. 962 01:01:35,818 --> 01:01:40,655 It was about this little girl detective named Winks. 963 01:01:41,741 --> 01:01:44,659 She had a twitch. 964 01:01:45,411 --> 01:01:48,413 I have a book for you actually 965 01:01:48,414 --> 01:01:51,875 that one of your students dropped it off, 966 01:01:51,876 --> 01:01:55,378 and somehow it slipped my mind. I forgot to give it to you. 967 01:01:55,379 --> 01:01:57,672 Max Brown. 968 01:01:58,674 --> 01:02:00,675 Is he, like, a teacher's pet? 969 01:02:00,676 --> 01:02:03,845 Did he compliment you on your alpaca sweater? 970 01:02:03,846 --> 01:02:09,475 Actually, he's a very good student and a pretty good writer, too. 971 01:02:10,603 --> 01:02:13,146 Interesting. Why are you asking about Max? 972 01:02:13,147 --> 01:02:15,523 There's no reason. 973 01:02:16,400 --> 01:02:19,026 Because he's not your type. 974 01:02:19,445 --> 01:02:21,863 Okay, what is my type? 975 01:02:23,115 --> 01:02:24,866 - Smelly. - Mom! 976 01:02:24,867 --> 01:02:27,994 Ryan didn't wear deodorants with antiperspirant in them, 977 01:02:27,995 --> 01:02:29,496 because he was afraid of Alzheimer's. 978 01:02:29,497 --> 01:02:32,957 Right. I would rather not remember smelling like garbage 979 01:02:32,958 --> 01:02:37,336 than remember that I'd been stinking my entire life. 980 01:02:38,381 --> 01:02:42,342 Yeah, okay, that was, like, a very funny observation. 981 01:02:42,343 --> 01:02:45,761 - Thank you. - You made a full joke. 982 01:03:15,751 --> 01:03:20,505 Darn it. I thought I would fool you with my 212 number. 983 01:03:20,506 --> 01:03:25,343 Hello, it's me again, calling you again. 984 01:03:29,432 --> 01:03:34,352 I can't remember the last time I left a number in my own speaking voice, so... 985 01:03:34,353 --> 01:03:36,938 Anyway, here it is. 986 01:03:37,565 --> 01:03:40,775 I am gonna be at the store until 5:00 987 01:03:40,776 --> 01:03:45,863 and then maybe attempting to make people laugh around 8:30. 988 01:03:46,323 --> 01:03:49,159 You should stop by if you feel like it. 989 01:03:49,160 --> 01:03:54,622 I promise I won't leave with a stranger unless that stranger is you. 990 01:03:54,874 --> 01:03:56,707 Goodbye. 991 01:04:07,803 --> 01:04:10,054 They say to be yourself on dates, 992 01:04:10,055 --> 01:04:13,141 but I actually think that's horrible advice from my experience. 993 01:04:13,142 --> 01:04:17,937 No one wants to talk about how Jeffrey Dahmer was actually hot. 994 01:04:18,981 --> 01:04:23,359 Or how it's offensive that I'm not his type. 995 01:04:28,741 --> 01:04:31,326 You are gonna kill it out there. 996 01:04:31,327 --> 01:04:35,663 I actually have an appointment to do that tomorrow. I'm sorry. 997 01:04:36,332 --> 01:04:38,958 Boy. Okay. 998 01:04:40,169 --> 01:04:42,587 - What do you want to drink? - Seltzer, please. 999 01:04:42,588 --> 01:04:44,672 One seltzer. 1000 01:04:49,136 --> 01:04:51,805 I really wanna bring the next comic to the stage now, 1001 01:04:51,806 --> 01:04:55,475 because I think everything about her is fucking cool. 1002 01:04:55,476 --> 01:04:59,813 And I think that you guys are definitely going to agree with me on this. 1003 01:04:59,814 --> 01:05:03,733 She is hot as shit and brilliant. 1004 01:05:03,734 --> 01:05:07,236 Everyone, please welcome Donna Stern. 1005 01:05:14,954 --> 01:05:17,622 You guys like my singing voice? 1006 01:05:17,623 --> 01:05:22,460 I just burped into this because I'm an adult woman. 1007 01:05:23,879 --> 01:05:26,381 I do like being an adult woman. 1008 01:05:26,382 --> 01:05:28,883 I've always wanted to be that... 1009 01:05:28,884 --> 01:05:34,222 I've always wanted to have just, like, a bra, and a blouse, 1010 01:05:34,223 --> 01:05:36,724 and a schedule. 1011 01:05:36,725 --> 01:05:39,227 Like, where I could just, like, be in my house and just be like, 1012 01:05:39,228 --> 01:05:42,772 "Oh, my God, I'm running late," you know? Like... 1013 01:05:42,773 --> 01:05:45,984 I've always wanted to be able to be on the car phone and be like, 1014 01:05:45,985 --> 01:05:49,570 "Okay, Susan, will do. 1015 01:05:50,573 --> 01:05:54,242 "What? Okay. All right. Talk soon." 1016 01:05:54,243 --> 01:05:58,413 And then just hang up and not worry about, you know, 1017 01:05:58,414 --> 01:06:02,291 why the bathroom smells in a weird way. 1018 01:06:04,670 --> 01:06:07,922 But I'm not here to talk about car phones. 1019 01:06:07,923 --> 01:06:11,885 I came here tonight on a very different mission. 1020 01:06:11,886 --> 01:06:14,053 And that is 1021 01:06:14,054 --> 01:06:19,058 to say to you that... 1022 01:06:21,562 --> 01:06:23,271 Sorry. 1023 01:06:23,272 --> 01:06:27,233 Which is to say to you 1024 01:06:27,234 --> 01:06:30,194 that I am pregnant. 1025 01:06:34,742 --> 01:06:38,327 Okay, all right, testing the waters. I dropped that one down. 1026 01:06:38,787 --> 01:06:44,292 The second thing that I would like to say right now, out loud, 1027 01:06:44,293 --> 01:06:46,502 and I'm gonna say it out loud right now. 1028 01:06:46,503 --> 01:06:48,796 Out loud, right now... I'm fine. Everything's fine. 1029 01:06:48,797 --> 01:06:51,674 Just rolling along with this, out loud, right now. 1030 01:06:51,675 --> 01:06:56,179 Is that I am going to have an abortion... 1031 01:06:56,180 --> 01:06:58,681 Okay, okay, keep breathing. 1032 01:06:58,724 --> 01:07:01,643 ...tomorrow, which is Valentine's Day. 1033 01:07:01,644 --> 01:07:04,645 So, we'll start from there. 1034 01:07:05,314 --> 01:07:08,190 I'm sure you're wondering how this happened. 1035 01:07:10,444 --> 01:07:15,823 A little thing I like to call getting banged out in the middle of the night, 1036 01:07:16,492 --> 01:07:22,037 the heat, heat, heat of the night, by a very nice person 1037 01:07:22,665 --> 01:07:25,083 that I don't know very well at all. 1038 01:07:25,084 --> 01:07:28,670 I don't know. He was a stranger, but a nice one. 1039 01:07:28,671 --> 01:07:32,798 Probably the best of all the strangers that are out there. 1040 01:07:33,509 --> 01:07:35,009 And of course you guys aren't strangers anymore 1041 01:07:35,010 --> 01:07:39,722 because now you're a part of my life in a big way. 1042 01:07:40,307 --> 01:07:43,685 So I don't know if you've gleaned that maybe I'm not ready to be a mom. 1043 01:07:43,686 --> 01:07:46,980 You're like, "No shit. You are not ready to be a mom." 1044 01:07:46,981 --> 01:07:51,484 And so I decided to get the abortion, 1045 01:07:51,485 --> 01:07:53,653 but I really do love pregnant ladies, 1046 01:07:53,654 --> 01:07:58,616 and there's lots of things about being a mom that seem fun, 1047 01:07:58,617 --> 01:08:03,037 but for me it's just like I can't tell anyone to shut off the TV. 1048 01:08:03,747 --> 01:08:05,873 Equaling I can't shut off the TV. 1049 01:08:08,252 --> 01:08:13,297 I decided to tell my mom, and I thought she was gonna like, 1050 01:08:13,298 --> 01:08:15,258 you know, be super upset, 1051 01:08:15,259 --> 01:08:16,884 and, like, set me on fire and be like, 1052 01:08:16,885 --> 01:08:18,720 "You can never come back to the synagogue." 1053 01:08:18,721 --> 01:08:22,557 Which is also kind of a fantasy that I'd never have to go back to the synagogue. 1054 01:08:22,558 --> 01:08:25,643 So boring. Everyone's breath is horrible there. 1055 01:08:25,644 --> 01:08:27,729 But instead, 1056 01:08:27,730 --> 01:08:32,400 she was very relieved, 1057 01:08:32,401 --> 01:08:35,194 and she actually ended up telling me 1058 01:08:35,195 --> 01:08:39,907 that she herself had gotten an abortion in the '60s. 1059 01:08:39,908 --> 01:08:42,410 Which is pretty amazing 1060 01:08:42,411 --> 01:08:46,288 because the bushes were so big then, 1061 01:08:49,209 --> 01:08:54,964 that, you know, they must have really, you know, really had to hunt for it. 1062 01:08:58,761 --> 01:09:02,764 And I can say that because, you know, once you get an abortion, 1063 01:09:02,765 --> 01:09:06,142 you can reveal who else has had them. 1064 01:09:06,143 --> 01:09:11,564 I decided to be on the list of the very many women that have done this. 1065 01:09:12,066 --> 01:09:17,444 Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and I can honestly say 1066 01:09:19,531 --> 01:09:24,034 it's not going to be the worst Valentine's Day I've ever had. 1067 01:09:26,121 --> 01:09:29,331 It's gonna be okay because 1068 01:09:29,833 --> 01:09:32,543 I know that I'm not alone. 1069 01:09:32,544 --> 01:09:36,005 I'm totally here. You guys are here. 1070 01:09:36,006 --> 01:09:38,382 You're all gonna come with me tomorrow. 1071 01:09:40,719 --> 01:09:42,803 But it's going to be... 1072 01:09:50,646 --> 01:09:53,147 I think it's going to be okay. 1073 01:09:53,148 --> 01:09:56,818 And afterwards, I'll just be in my future. 1074 01:09:56,819 --> 01:09:59,946 And, you know, we'll go from there, right? 1075 01:09:59,947 --> 01:10:01,864 I guess so. 1076 01:10:02,533 --> 01:10:03,825 That's really it. 1077 01:10:03,826 --> 01:10:06,160 You guys have been very generous to me tonight, 1078 01:10:06,161 --> 01:10:07,995 and I've really enjoyed myself. 1079 01:10:07,996 --> 01:10:11,040 So, thank you and happy V-Day. 1080 01:10:11,041 --> 01:10:14,710 Hope you get all the candy that you want and deserve. 1081 01:10:14,711 --> 01:10:17,046 That's it. Thank you. 1082 01:11:15,647 --> 01:11:18,524 - Morning, sunshine. - Hey. 1083 01:11:18,525 --> 01:11:21,485 You were so incredible last night. 1084 01:11:22,404 --> 01:11:23,946 He left. 1085 01:11:23,947 --> 01:11:26,699 I was talking about your set. 1086 01:11:26,700 --> 01:11:28,034 Thanks. 1087 01:11:28,035 --> 01:11:29,869 How's your stomach? You want this? 1088 01:11:29,870 --> 01:11:32,746 No, I don't. I just want this. 1089 01:11:33,498 --> 01:11:36,959 Well, when you're ready, I'll call us a cab. 1090 01:11:36,960 --> 01:11:39,212 Are you ready? 1091 01:11:39,213 --> 01:11:41,171 I'm ready. 1092 01:11:42,674 --> 01:11:45,593 Okay, thank you very much. We are outside. 1093 01:11:45,594 --> 01:11:46,928 Five minutes. 1094 01:11:46,929 --> 01:11:48,054 Let's just take the train. 1095 01:11:48,055 --> 01:11:50,639 No, we're aborting in style. 1096 01:11:51,141 --> 01:11:52,892 I'm so cold! 1097 01:11:52,893 --> 01:11:53,976 Freezing. 1098 01:11:53,977 --> 01:11:56,604 Have you ever heard about the people on Mount Everest 1099 01:11:56,605 --> 01:11:58,606 who are about to die, and how that is for them? 1100 01:11:58,607 --> 01:12:00,608 No, tell me what happens to them. 1101 01:12:00,609 --> 01:12:01,943 It's not like what you imagine. 1102 01:12:01,944 --> 01:12:04,237 Like, that there are icicles coming out of their tears or whatever. 1103 01:12:04,238 --> 01:12:06,489 The Sherpa is like, "Don't sit down." 1104 01:12:06,490 --> 01:12:09,867 But then they sit down, because they're so tired that they'll just die up there. 1105 01:12:09,868 --> 01:12:11,661 - Oh, my God. - And all their parkas are still there. 1106 01:12:11,662 --> 01:12:14,372 Max. Max. Max is walking. 1107 01:12:14,373 --> 01:12:17,959 Max is walking up. I'm not kidding, and he has a bouquet of flowers. 1108 01:12:17,960 --> 01:12:19,585 No, he's coming. He's coming. Yeah. 1109 01:12:19,586 --> 01:12:21,545 - I can't... What do I do? - You just... I don't know. 1110 01:12:21,546 --> 01:12:23,589 - Pretend I'm saying something. - You are saying something. 1111 01:12:23,590 --> 01:12:24,799 - God... - He's coming. 1112 01:12:24,800 --> 01:12:26,175 - He's getting very close. - What's my face look like? 1113 01:12:26,176 --> 01:12:28,260 It's happening now. He's here. 1114 01:12:30,138 --> 01:12:31,889 - Hey. - Hi. 1115 01:12:32,933 --> 01:12:35,142 These are for you. 1116 01:12:35,143 --> 01:12:37,060 That's so nice. 1117 01:12:40,524 --> 01:12:44,485 I thought, maybe, if it was all right with you 1118 01:12:46,780 --> 01:12:48,280 and you, 1119 01:12:50,075 --> 01:12:52,367 I could go with you. 1120 01:13:03,505 --> 01:13:08,342 You can look at my sheet. It's okay. I don't have any secrets. 1121 01:13:09,928 --> 01:13:11,553 Nice. 1122 01:13:11,763 --> 01:13:14,640 Mental illness runs in your family. 1123 01:13:15,017 --> 01:13:18,685 Yeah, we have diabetes and depression. 1124 01:13:18,937 --> 01:13:20,688 The diabetes? 1125 01:13:20,689 --> 01:13:22,690 You guys like to eat a lot of candy in your family? 1126 01:13:22,691 --> 01:13:25,651 Lot of desserts, lot of pie, lot of brownie sundaes. 1127 01:13:25,652 --> 01:13:28,028 - That's darling. - Yeah. 1128 01:13:33,118 --> 01:13:35,285 So cold out today. 1129 01:13:36,330 --> 01:13:41,458 When I looked on weather.com this morning to pick out my outfit, 1130 01:13:42,002 --> 01:13:45,129 I saw that it is the coldest day of the year. 1131 01:13:45,130 --> 01:13:46,880 Really? 1132 01:13:47,674 --> 01:13:52,178 I heard they're going to start naming snowstorms like they do with hurricanes. 1133 01:13:52,179 --> 01:13:55,305 That's how intense it's going to be from now on. 1134 01:13:57,184 --> 01:13:59,142 The Donna. 1135 01:13:59,770 --> 01:14:02,229 Snowstorm of the century. 1136 01:14:02,230 --> 01:14:03,856 Donna Two. 1137 01:14:03,857 --> 01:14:06,067 Have you ever watched a weather report before? 1138 01:14:06,068 --> 01:14:07,485 Man, I got to get on that. 1139 01:14:07,486 --> 01:14:10,237 - Just movie trailers for you, huh? - Is that what that is? 1140 01:14:10,238 --> 01:14:12,155 Is that all? 1141 01:14:18,580 --> 01:14:21,456 I'm sorry I took off last night. 1142 01:14:21,875 --> 01:14:24,418 I got your voicemails. 1143 01:14:25,504 --> 01:14:28,589 I just didn't know what to do. 1144 01:14:30,425 --> 01:14:35,220 I also made a very extreme move last night. 1145 01:14:35,639 --> 01:14:37,556 Yeah, but 1146 01:14:38,934 --> 01:14:41,018 it was an asshole move on my part. 1147 01:14:41,019 --> 01:14:42,603 No. 1148 01:14:42,813 --> 01:14:47,107 I think we're both just trying to figure out 1149 01:14:47,818 --> 01:14:52,154 - how to do everything. - Yeah. 1150 01:14:52,155 --> 01:14:56,158 I really wanted to tell you when we were at dinner, but then you... 1151 01:14:56,159 --> 01:15:00,955 I freaked out because you started talking about wanting to be a grandfather. 1152 01:15:00,956 --> 01:15:03,541 And you thought I meant, like, tomorrow? 1153 01:15:03,542 --> 01:15:05,501 Well, you're, like, 76, right? 1154 01:15:05,502 --> 01:15:07,461 Yeah. Yep. 1155 01:15:07,712 --> 01:15:09,755 I just don't... You know. 1156 01:15:09,756 --> 01:15:12,425 We've just been acquainted. 1157 01:15:12,426 --> 01:15:15,803 I didn't know if you'd be okay with this. 1158 01:15:15,804 --> 01:15:18,305 Are you okay with this? 1159 01:15:19,599 --> 01:15:21,975 Yeah. Yes. 1160 01:15:22,310 --> 01:15:24,519 - Of course. - Good. 1161 01:15:25,480 --> 01:15:28,815 I want to be a grandpa, you know, someday. 1162 01:15:30,068 --> 01:15:33,654 - Dad first and then... Right. - Yeah. 1163 01:15:43,457 --> 01:15:49,628 This may be the best/worst Valentine's Day I have ever had. 1164 01:15:51,339 --> 01:15:53,840 Which one of you is Donna? 1165 01:15:55,552 --> 01:15:57,761 Follow me, please. 1166 01:16:00,140 --> 01:16:02,015 Okay. 1167 01:16:09,566 --> 01:16:12,442 Well, thank you for coming. 1168 01:16:13,195 --> 01:16:15,612 Thanks for letting me. 1169 01:16:16,698 --> 01:16:19,241 See you on the other side? 1170 01:16:54,069 --> 01:16:56,820 Hi, Donna. The sedative should be taking effect. 1171 01:16:56,821 --> 01:16:59,281 Are you feeling relaxed? 1172 01:17:12,254 --> 01:17:15,381 Okay, Donna, we're going to start the procedure now. 1173 01:17:15,382 --> 01:17:19,301 Let us know if you feel any discomfort at any time. 1174 01:18:12,480 --> 01:18:16,024 - Here you go. It's hot. Careful. - Thank you. 1175 01:18:24,326 --> 01:18:26,160 Do you want to put your feet up? 1176 01:18:26,161 --> 01:18:27,828 Okay. 1177 01:18:32,292 --> 01:18:35,335 - How's that? - It's good. 1178 01:18:36,421 --> 01:18:39,965 I made a bunch of friends in the waiting room 1179 01:18:39,966 --> 01:18:41,883 at the DMV. 1180 01:18:43,094 --> 01:18:44,553 Oh, God. 1181 01:18:44,554 --> 01:18:46,722 We weren't at the DMV. 1182 01:18:46,723 --> 01:18:48,349 I got my license renewed. 1183 01:18:48,350 --> 01:18:50,142 You did? 1184 01:18:50,143 --> 01:18:52,686 Were you not... I got the car inspected. 1185 01:18:52,687 --> 01:18:56,064 You know, I think they towed my car. 1186 01:18:56,191 --> 01:18:59,610 Yeah, they sort of took a lot of stuff out of the trunk. 1187 01:18:59,611 --> 01:19:01,945 And, you know, for a second, I was afraid to drive it again, 1188 01:19:01,946 --> 01:19:03,364 but I think I probably will. 1189 01:19:03,365 --> 01:19:06,700 - So you were there? You were at the DMV. - Yeah. 1190 01:19:06,701 --> 01:19:08,535 That was us. 1191 01:19:10,330 --> 01:19:12,373 - Do you want to watch a movie? - Always. 1192 01:19:12,374 --> 01:19:13,999 Okay. 1193 01:19:14,918 --> 01:19:17,961 Let's see what we got going on here. 1194 01:19:22,676 --> 01:19:25,218 It is nothing but romantic comedies. 1195 01:19:25,428 --> 01:19:27,762 I just hate that type of film. 1196 01:19:28,473 --> 01:19:30,599 I don't connect to it. 1197 01:19:30,600 --> 01:19:32,475 Here we go. 1198 01:19:32,811 --> 01:19:34,395 We have hit the mother lode. 1199 01:19:34,396 --> 01:19:37,898 Gone with the Wind is about to start. Have you ever seen this? 1200 01:19:37,899 --> 01:19:39,525 I have not. 1201 01:19:39,526 --> 01:19:42,068 I've never seen it either. 1202 01:19:42,737 --> 01:19:44,905 Do you want to watch it? 1203 01:19:44,906 --> 01:19:48,325 I mean, I do, but it's, like, 10 hours long. 1204 01:19:49,119 --> 01:19:51,828 Do you have somewhere to be?