0 00:01:33,500 --> 00:01:41,900 BARNEYS VERSION 1 00:02:00,975 --> 00:02:01,904 Hello. 2 00:02:02,105 --> 00:02:05,309 Blair, I'd like to speak with my life. 3 00:02:05,396 --> 00:02:09,856 -Oh, Barney, it's 3:00 in the morning. -Put my wife on the phone. 4 00:02:09,942 --> 00:02:10,961 She's not your wife 5 00:02:10,975 --> 00:02:13,184 -and I'm not waking her. -All right. 6 00:02:13,279 --> 00:02:15,941 Well, then just ask her what she wants me to do 7 00:02:16,031 --> 00:02:19,023 with all these nude photos I have of her. 8 00:02:19,118 --> 00:02:21,700 Come to think of it, you actually might want them, 9 00:02:21,787 --> 00:02:24,870 if only to see what Miriam looked like in her prime. 10 00:02:27,501 --> 00:02:28,866 Hm. 11 00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:18,875 Fuck. 12 00:03:27,603 --> 00:03:28,843 Son of a bitch. 13 00:03:30,189 --> 00:03:31,224 -Hello. -Daddy, 14 00:03:32,358 --> 00:03:34,064 Blair had a heart attack last night. 15 00:03:34,151 --> 00:03:36,608 -Really? -Yes, really. 16 00:03:37,196 --> 00:03:39,312 -How bad? -Minor. 17 00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:42,105 He thought it was indigestion. 18 00:03:43,952 --> 00:03:44,987 Putz. 19 00:03:45,537 --> 00:03:48,279 -Dad, it's still a heart attack. -Yeah, that's true. 20 00:03:48,374 --> 00:03:50,456 You know, the long-term effects of these things 21 00:03:50,542 --> 00:03:52,624 don't often show up until later. 22 00:03:52,711 --> 00:03:54,622 Impotence is still on the table. 23 00:03:54,713 --> 00:03:58,297 Are you... Are you not at all concerned that you might have caused th is? 24 00:03:58,926 --> 00:04:00,041 Why would I be? 25 00:04:00,135 --> 00:04:02,717 Mom told me about the phone call last night. 26 00:04:02,805 --> 00:04:06,764 The one that woke Blair up at 3:30 in the morning. 27 00:04:07,184 --> 00:04:09,356 -Dad... -Listen, sweetheart, I... 28 00:04:09,768 --> 00:04:10,802 I got to call you back. 29 00:04:10,896 --> 00:04:14,184 -I'm on the elevator. -You better. And Michael. 30 00:04:14,274 --> 00:04:17,266 -He's been trying to reach you, too. -I will. 31 00:04:45,681 --> 00:04:50,266 -I hope it doesn't swell up. -It already has. 32 00:04:50,477 --> 00:04:51,512 Okay. Cut! 33 00:04:52,020 --> 00:04:53,726 -How was that? -Appallingly bad. 34 00:04:53,814 --> 00:04:55,270 Great. Moving on. 35 00:04:55,357 --> 00:04:56,767 Moving on to the next set... 36 00:04:56,859 --> 00:04:58,190 You know I... 37 00:04:58,485 --> 00:04:59,565 Barney... Excuse me... 38 00:04:59,653 --> 00:05:00,984 -Barney, good... -I want to talk to you. 39 00:05:01,071 --> 00:05:02,106 Have you seen today's paper? 40 00:05:02,239 --> 00:05:04,025 We need to go over the opening for next week's episode. 41 00:05:04,116 --> 00:05:05,902 The teaser is over a minute long. 42 00:05:06,076 --> 00:05:08,943 Morning, everyone! Yes, I know about the book! 43 00:05:09,037 --> 00:05:10,743 And yes, I've seen today's paper. 44 00:05:10,831 --> 00:05:13,948 No, I don't give a flying fuck and neither should you. 45 00:05:14,042 --> 00:05:15,657 Let that be the end of it. 46 00:05:15,752 --> 00:05:19,040 Barney, the network wants to make a really big deal about the 30th season. 47 00:05:19,214 --> 00:05:21,751 They want to bring in a new face. Somebody young. 48 00:05:21,842 --> 00:05:25,334 Maybe... Maybe Solange has a sexy, young niece who comes to live with her. 49 00:05:25,804 --> 00:05:26,964 No. No way. 50 00:05:27,055 --> 00:05:29,512 They want to write her down in favour of a new character. 51 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:32,091 So they want to bring in some tits and ass, huh? 52 00:05:32,186 --> 00:05:33,927 Isn't that why you hired her in the first place? 53 00:05:35,314 --> 00:05:38,806 I want a word with you now! 54 00:05:39,193 --> 00:05:40,478 Oh. 55 00:05:43,447 --> 00:05:44,687 What language is this? 56 00:05:44,907 --> 00:05:47,819 They're from Bulgaria. 57 00:05:48,744 --> 00:05:51,702 Press clippings about me and they just keep coming. 58 00:05:51,788 --> 00:05:52,903 They love me over there. 59 00:05:52,998 --> 00:05:55,205 And this proves what I'm really worth to the foreign market. 60 00:05:56,460 --> 00:05:59,293 Well, I will give this my utmost attention. 61 00:06:06,595 --> 00:06:09,302 Five games into the National Hockey League last night... 62 00:06:09,389 --> 00:06:12,802 In their last regular season home game, Montreal squeaked by Calgary. 63 00:06:12,893 --> 00:06:13,928 A score of seven to six. 64 00:06:26,698 --> 00:06:28,359 You get home okay last night? 65 00:06:29,284 --> 00:06:32,151 I got home. Thank you. 66 00:06:34,790 --> 00:06:36,496 He's already had more than a few. 67 00:06:45,008 --> 00:06:47,545 That's for you. I even signed it. 68 00:06:49,555 --> 00:06:53,798 See that review in the paper today? Not bad, eh? 69 00:07:02,067 --> 00:07:05,309 Ah, why do you have to be like that? 70 00:07:06,238 --> 00:07:08,069 I even wrote you a nice little note. 71 00:07:11,159 --> 00:07:14,868 "To Barney. None of this would have been possible without you." 72 00:07:14,997 --> 00:07:16,937 "All the Best, Detective Sean O'Hearne." 73 00:07:17,370 --> 00:07:18,486 Very sweet. 74 00:07:19,084 --> 00:07:20,824 This is a big day. 75 00:07:21,211 --> 00:07:25,124 Just wanted to buy you a drink, share in the moment, be a mensch, 76 00:07:25,215 --> 00:07:26,421 like you people might say. 77 00:07:26,508 --> 00:07:29,295 Oh, for someone who professes to hate me so much, 78 00:07:29,386 --> 00:07:31,877 you certainly do go out of your way to come around here a lot. 79 00:07:32,014 --> 00:07:34,346 I just want to know what you did with the body already. 80 00:07:34,516 --> 00:07:35,847 Why don't you just leave him alone? 81 00:07:35,934 --> 00:07:38,846 Because he got away with murder, sweetie. 82 00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:44,603 You screwed over everyone you ever know or cared about. 83 00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:49,729 Now the whole world's going to know what a cock-sucking murderer you really are. 84 00:07:50,949 --> 00:07:52,860 You could use a mint. 85 00:07:54,411 --> 00:07:56,527 -It's a real page-turner. -Yeah. 86 00:08:32,324 --> 00:08:34,485 -Boogie! -Barney! 87 00:08:34,743 --> 00:08:36,449 -Boogie, what's happening? -Hey, Cedric. 88 00:08:36,578 --> 00:08:39,285 -Leo! -Welcome back. 89 00:08:39,456 --> 00:08:40,696 -Dr Smooze. -Dr Smooze is back. 90 00:08:40,791 --> 00:08:41,871 You're back. 91 00:08:45,754 --> 00:08:46,869 -I'm good. I'm good... -Boogie... 92 00:08:48,256 --> 00:08:51,089 -Okay. -Hey, come here. Come here. Sit down. 93 00:08:52,094 --> 00:08:53,675 Boogie! Boogie, who is that? 94 00:08:54,262 --> 00:08:55,798 -Who's that? That's The Countess. -The Countess. 95 00:08:55,931 --> 00:08:56,920 -Wow. -Yeah. 96 00:08:57,182 --> 00:08:58,217 -Where did you meet her? -Ah... 97 00:08:58,308 --> 00:08:59,969 Somewhere between my black out in Lake Como 98 00:09:00,102 --> 00:09:01,342 and my hangover in Sainte-Maxime. 99 00:09:02,604 --> 00:09:05,346 Listen, if someone could find out for me and get her name, please, 100 00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:06,805 -it would be great. -My man. 101 00:09:07,609 --> 00:09:09,645 Leo. How was your showing? 102 00:09:12,656 --> 00:09:15,443 The show was a bust. I only sold one piece, to Barney. 103 00:09:15,784 --> 00:09:18,821 Oh, his work is too bold for that crowd. 104 00:09:19,329 --> 00:09:21,911 Barney, our very own patron of the arts. 105 00:09:21,998 --> 00:09:24,034 otherwise known as our only friend with a real job. 106 00:09:25,293 --> 00:09:26,373 That's true. 107 00:09:26,461 --> 00:09:29,248 To Barney, living the lessons of the Bard, 108 00:09:29,339 --> 00:09:32,831 "Be as great in act as you have been in thought." 109 00:09:35,721 --> 00:09:39,179 What about you, my High Priest? Did you get through those books I sent you? 110 00:09:40,225 --> 00:09:41,681 -A few of them, yeah. -A few of them? 111 00:09:41,810 --> 00:09:44,802 I sent you Gogol, I sent you Heine. What have you been doing with yourself? 112 00:09:46,648 --> 00:09:49,230 Well, actually, I'm getting married. 113 00:09:50,068 --> 00:09:51,558 -To who? -To me. 114 00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:53,480 Oh, it's trouble. 115 00:09:54,656 --> 00:09:56,492 Prince Charmingbaum here knocked me up 116 00:09:56,493 --> 00:09:58,695 by way of a magical 30 seconds of friction. 117 00:09:58,827 --> 00:10:01,113 Where the hell have you been? You didn't come home last night. 118 00:10:01,204 --> 00:10:03,320 Who remembers? Has he told you what he's doing now? 119 00:10:03,415 --> 00:10:04,450 No. 120 00:10:04,541 --> 00:10:07,749 Exporting olive oil to some guy, Hymie, back in Montreal. 121 00:10:07,836 --> 00:10:10,919 -It's like a bad Jewish sitcom. -Well, someone's got to make a living. 122 00:10:11,006 --> 00:10:14,464 He comes to Europe and sells oil. It's fucking humiliating. 123 00:10:14,551 --> 00:10:16,257 You're not one of us. You're a voyeur. 124 00:10:16,344 --> 00:10:18,551 All right. A toast to the newlyweds. 125 00:10:19,055 --> 00:10:21,011 To your health, to your happiness. 126 00:10:21,183 --> 00:10:22,548 And a three-inch prick. 127 00:10:30,192 --> 00:10:32,683 Why did you agree to marry her? 128 00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:34,981 -I got her pregnant, man. -So? 129 00:10:35,864 --> 00:10:38,230 It's Clara Chambers, man, she's crazy. 130 00:10:38,533 --> 00:10:40,758 She's a conversation piece, she's not a wife. 131 00:10:41,697 --> 00:10:42,867 And how do you even know it's yours? 132 00:10:42,996 --> 00:10:46,409 -It's mine. -All right, if you say so. 133 00:10:48,585 --> 00:10:52,794 -He's coming with me. -Don't let him knock you up. 134 00:10:52,881 --> 00:10:54,621 -You got any money? -Some. Why? 135 00:10:54,716 --> 00:10:55,751 Provisions. 136 00:10:57,010 --> 00:10:59,626 We're going to do it all, Barney. All of it. 137 00:10:59,721 --> 00:11:01,882 Opium, the horse, the hash. 138 00:11:02,682 --> 00:11:05,890 Everything under and behind the sun, on and off the table. 139 00:11:07,729 --> 00:11:10,892 Hey, we only go around once, my friend. 140 00:11:21,785 --> 00:11:25,198 Oh, hold on. Hold on. Don't tell me, your novel? 141 00:11:26,206 --> 00:11:27,787 You finished it? 142 00:11:29,084 --> 00:11:30,119 -No. -Oh! 143 00:11:30,752 --> 00:11:33,789 -Volume one, huh. This is it? -Not yet. Not yet. 144 00:11:33,922 --> 00:11:35,412 I'm not done with it yet. 145 00:11:35,549 --> 00:11:36,880 Read it so far. 146 00:11:54,150 --> 00:11:57,608 Jesus Christ, Boogie, this is brilliant. When are they publishing it? 147 00:11:58,238 --> 00:11:59,273 They're not. 148 00:12:00,407 --> 00:12:01,442 Why not? 149 00:12:01,616 --> 00:12:03,447 I'm never giving it to that ridiculous editor. 150 00:12:04,411 --> 00:12:06,618 Okay. What about the advance that they paid you? 151 00:12:07,956 --> 00:12:08,991 I wrote him another one. 152 00:12:09,749 --> 00:12:11,740 You're kidding. Which? 153 00:12:19,634 --> 00:12:20,794 "Vanessa's Pussy"? 154 00:12:21,970 --> 00:12:23,210 What's it about? 155 00:12:23,305 --> 00:12:25,707 It's my interpretation of The Book of Job 156 00:12:25,841 --> 00:12:28,641 as told through Vanessa's vaginal lips. 157 00:12:29,644 --> 00:12:31,805 I don't know, for some reason the editor passed. 158 00:12:32,188 --> 00:12:35,976 Let me guess here, Vanessa is the editor's wife? 159 00:12:36,276 --> 00:12:37,311 Was. 160 00:12:39,362 --> 00:12:41,102 -Come here, man. -What? 161 00:12:45,201 --> 00:12:48,534 Quit dicking around and finish this book already. 162 00:12:58,006 --> 00:13:02,545 Hey, assholes. You want to wait up? It is my wedding. 163 00:13:06,973 --> 00:13:08,929 You don't have to go through with this, you know. 164 00:13:09,017 --> 00:13:10,223 You're saying this to me now? 165 00:13:10,352 --> 00:13:12,684 I'm just saying no one will think any less of you if you don't. 166 00:13:14,230 --> 00:13:17,188 That's good to know. Give me this. 167 00:13:25,825 --> 00:13:28,862 Barney Ponosski. 168 00:13:30,038 --> 00:13:31,153 Panofsky. 169 00:13:31,247 --> 00:13:32,327 Pinasski. 170 00:13:32,874 --> 00:13:33,909 Off-ski. 171 00:13:34,209 --> 00:13:35,244 Panosski. 172 00:13:36,044 --> 00:13:39,377 -Pan-off-ski. It's fine. -Panosski. 173 00:13:40,006 --> 00:13:42,372 Clara Charnofsky. 174 00:13:42,717 --> 00:13:46,175 No. No. Her name is Clara Chambers. 175 00:13:47,055 --> 00:13:48,044 Charnofsky? 176 00:13:48,723 --> 00:13:50,304 I was married to a Russian gangster for five days... 177 00:13:50,392 --> 00:13:52,178 -Charnofsky... Jesus. -I ran away on the honeymoon. 178 00:13:52,268 --> 00:13:55,305 I just never bothered to do the paperwork to change the name back. 179 00:13:55,397 --> 00:13:57,604 Did you ever think to mention that? 180 00:13:58,233 --> 00:14:02,146 Don't worry, baby. You still got yourself a true-blue shiksa. 181 00:14:02,237 --> 00:14:04,305 What else haven't you told me, sweetheart? 182 00:14:04,310 --> 00:14:06,926 Are there any kids I don't know about? 183 00:14:07,826 --> 00:14:12,240 Only two. Yosel and Chaim. They're locked in our attic. 184 00:14:12,372 --> 00:14:14,078 When you go out to get the hockey scores, 185 00:14:14,207 --> 00:14:17,324 I let them down and force feed them pork-roast milkshakes through a funnel. 186 00:14:20,380 --> 00:14:21,415 There! 187 00:14:42,193 --> 00:14:47,438 I will speak in English. I'm afraid the infant was a stillborn. 188 00:14:47,782 --> 00:14:48,932 But your wife is healthy, 189 00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:52,446 and will certainly be able to bear other children. 190 00:14:52,537 --> 00:14:57,122 I must ask you if you know the biological father, 191 00:14:57,751 --> 00:15:00,242 -for our records, Signor. -Well, I'm the father. 192 00:15:09,304 --> 00:15:12,387 Then you must be an albino. 193 00:15:17,604 --> 00:15:19,469 Little baby never even had a chance. 194 00:15:23,151 --> 00:15:24,311 Brother. 195 00:15:25,070 --> 00:15:26,230 Oh! 196 00:15:26,780 --> 00:15:28,395 -Barney, what are you doing? -Cedric, you okay? 197 00:15:28,490 --> 00:15:30,651 Barney, what the hell? 198 00:15:30,950 --> 00:15:32,281 He just lost his son. 199 00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:53,675 Every four hours they attach clamps to my nipples and milk me like I was a cow. 200 00:16:00,647 --> 00:16:02,183 I really thought it was yours. 201 00:16:02,690 --> 00:16:04,351 Let's talk about this later. 202 00:16:06,820 --> 00:16:12,190 Oh, Barney, you really do wear your heart on your sleeve. 203 00:16:14,994 --> 00:16:18,657 Now put it away. It's disgusting to look at. 204 00:16:21,835 --> 00:16:24,372 Barney, where are you going? Wait. 205 00:16:25,630 --> 00:16:29,714 Barney, I'm sorry. Barney, please, we'll start over! 206 00:16:30,468 --> 00:16:31,878 Barney, come back! 207 00:16:32,887 --> 00:16:34,878 I got a call today from Montreal. 208 00:16:35,890 --> 00:16:39,474 MyUncle lrv offered to get me a job in TV production. 209 00:16:41,229 --> 00:16:44,847 Says there's all these tax loopholes that make it foolproof in Canada. 210 00:16:46,234 --> 00:16:48,725 Could you pass the lighter off the table, please? 211 00:16:57,579 --> 00:16:58,659 Thanks. 212 00:17:10,258 --> 00:17:11,338 When did this come, man? 213 00:17:13,553 --> 00:17:17,216 Oh, shit. I completely forgot. It came a few days ago. 214 00:17:17,932 --> 00:17:19,092 Oh... 215 00:17:20,268 --> 00:17:22,930 "Dear Barney, please come for dinner tonight at 8. 216 00:17:23,688 --> 00:17:25,679 "I think it's important we talk." 217 00:17:26,441 --> 00:17:27,681 Clara! 218 00:17:28,401 --> 00:17:31,939 "I'm sorry. I really do miss you. 219 00:17:32,864 --> 00:17:36,448 "I need you. I'll even make latkes." 220 00:18:07,690 --> 00:18:09,055 Oh. 221 00:18:31,881 --> 00:18:33,087 Oh. 222 00:18:34,884 --> 00:18:36,875 Are you here about the apartment? 223 00:18:38,763 --> 00:18:40,003 I'm Charnofsky. 224 00:18:40,890 --> 00:18:42,596 The Russian? 225 00:18:43,601 --> 00:18:47,514 From Brighton Beach, in New York. Your Mechutan. 226 00:18:48,106 --> 00:18:50,688 Your father-in-law. Clara's father. You going to invite me in? 227 00:19:07,458 --> 00:19:09,164 Who'd buy such a disgusting thing? 228 00:19:09,669 --> 00:19:11,751 Actually, Clara made it. 229 00:19:12,672 --> 00:19:14,788 That's me, with the horns. 230 00:19:18,428 --> 00:19:22,387 I can only imagine, Mr Panofsky, the guilt that you are carrying, 231 00:19:22,849 --> 00:19:23,929 but you should know, my Clara, 232 00:19:24,017 --> 00:19:26,508 this is not the first time she tried to kill herself. 233 00:19:27,103 --> 00:19:29,640 No, no, no. When she was 12 years old, 234 00:19:29,731 --> 00:19:33,940 she used to tear hair out in clumps, right out of her head, yeah. 235 00:19:34,027 --> 00:19:36,939 She said that we're not her parents, we should be so lucky. 236 00:19:38,364 --> 00:19:40,025 She said she's not Jewish. 237 00:19:40,116 --> 00:19:40,716 She said, 238 00:19:40,810 --> 00:19:43,608 "Tell me who my real parents are." And until we told her, she wouldn't eat. 239 00:19:43,703 --> 00:19:45,864 We'd have to force her mouth open and she was a biter. 240 00:19:46,122 --> 00:19:47,157 Let me tell you. 241 00:19:47,540 --> 00:19:50,873 We had to pour chicken soup down through a funnel. 242 00:19:51,794 --> 00:19:53,694 And she would be gone sometimes for days. 243 00:19:53,755 --> 00:19:55,435 Who knows where? Greenwich Village. 244 00:19:55,798 --> 00:19:57,413 And so I had to lock her up in the attic. 245 00:19:58,092 --> 00:19:59,252 Dr Kupner, thank God for him. 246 00:19:59,344 --> 00:20:02,632 He arranged for the mental hospital, the latest, the best treatment, 247 00:20:02,722 --> 00:20:06,931 the shocking electric... Something. Never mind the expense. 248 00:20:07,643 --> 00:20:09,554 We would do without. But, you know, was she grateful? 249 00:20:09,645 --> 00:20:12,102 No, she would yell in front of everybody at the hospital, 250 00:20:12,190 --> 00:20:14,897 "Dr Kupner, you felt up my tits." 251 00:20:16,402 --> 00:20:19,690 Language like this, from a young girl, you can imagine. 252 00:20:20,490 --> 00:20:22,572 And then she would come home. You know what she did for a thank you? 253 00:20:22,658 --> 00:20:24,774 She sat in the bathtub, she cut open her wrists, 254 00:20:24,869 --> 00:20:26,780 the ambulance is sitting outside. 255 00:20:26,871 --> 00:20:28,202 People are peeking through their curtains. 256 00:20:28,289 --> 00:20:30,951 My wife was so ashamed, she couldn't leave the apartment for a week! 257 00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:38,792 Anyway, you shouldn't blame yourself, Mr Panofsky, 258 00:20:41,052 --> 00:20:42,792 because she did it before. 259 00:20:44,764 --> 00:20:46,379 I think you should leave. 260 00:20:48,184 --> 00:20:49,424 I've upset you. 261 00:20:50,228 --> 00:20:51,434 Get out of here. 262 00:20:52,438 --> 00:20:54,645 Get out? What, do you talk like this to an older man? 263 00:20:54,774 --> 00:20:56,310 I just lost a daughter. 264 00:20:59,987 --> 00:21:02,103 So high and mighty you're getting with me, huh. 265 00:21:02,198 --> 00:21:03,567 You couldn't have made her so happy, either, 266 00:21:03,568 --> 00:21:05,406 or she would not have done that to herself. 267 00:21:05,493 --> 00:21:06,778 I'll throw your ass down the stairs. I don't care. 268 00:21:06,869 --> 00:21:08,484 The man at the embassy told me it took two days... 269 00:21:08,579 --> 00:21:09,944 Two days for you to find her! 270 00:21:10,039 --> 00:21:11,654 Where were you, her loving husband, where were you? 271 00:21:11,749 --> 00:21:13,080 -Get out! -Where were you? 272 00:21:13,167 --> 00:21:14,202 Get out now! 273 00:21:22,218 --> 00:21:25,255 Abe! Did you hear what happened last night? 274 00:21:25,346 --> 00:21:29,259 Some Nazi punks took a shit right on the steps of Beth Zion. 275 00:21:29,517 --> 00:21:31,223 Yeah, that's right. 276 00:21:31,644 --> 00:21:34,431 And that's why you cannot be complacent with your support. 277 00:21:34,522 --> 00:21:36,103 We need Israel. 278 00:21:36,524 --> 00:21:38,640 Look, I don't need to tell you where things like this can lead. 279 00:21:38,985 --> 00:21:41,601 Starts out with a turd, next thing you know, we're wearing armbands again. 280 00:21:42,488 --> 00:21:44,649 Mmm-hmm. Excellent. 281 00:21:45,741 --> 00:21:49,450 And, Abe, I'll see you Friday night for dinner, right? Great. 282 00:21:51,414 --> 00:21:55,498 Donations go through the roof when shit like this happens. Let's eat. 283 00:21:59,964 --> 00:22:02,797 Fundraising, this is how you make real connections, Barney. 284 00:22:03,718 --> 00:22:05,379 I'll give you the target's annual income, 285 00:22:05,970 --> 00:22:08,507 not the numbers on his tax returns, the real numbers. 286 00:22:09,390 --> 00:22:10,550 It could happen here, you tell him. 287 00:22:10,850 --> 00:22:12,340 Israel is our insurance policy. 288 00:22:12,435 --> 00:22:16,019 It could happen here. Israel is our insurance policy... 289 00:22:16,105 --> 00:22:20,690 Who's to say that it can't happen here. Israel is our insurance policy. 290 00:22:20,776 --> 00:22:23,768 And I hate to sat it, but it could happen here. 291 00:22:25,406 --> 00:22:28,148 Gentlemen, I need to borrow my nephew here for a moment. 292 00:22:31,204 --> 00:22:34,947 What did I tell you, producing, fundraising, it's all the same dance. 293 00:22:35,041 --> 00:22:37,327 Now listen to me. I've got a girl I want you to meet. 294 00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:38,995 -Darling. -Hi... 295 00:22:39,086 --> 00:22:40,292 Dexey, back from Florida. 296 00:22:40,379 --> 00:22:41,915 lrv, I don't need to be set up. 297 00:22:42,006 --> 00:22:46,249 Listen, she's got it all, she comes from a very good family. 298 00:22:46,344 --> 00:22:49,507 She's got a master's from McGill and she's a good-looker. 299 00:22:49,597 --> 00:22:50,632 Sweetie. 300 00:22:52,892 --> 00:22:56,476 -Yeah, you're right. -Sweetie, this is him. 301 00:23:01,484 --> 00:23:03,145 -Hello. -You're Barney. 302 00:23:04,987 --> 00:23:08,479 So, throughout the entire second year of my master's degree, 303 00:23:08,574 --> 00:23:09,984 I have a master's degree, 304 00:23:10,076 --> 00:23:12,283 I had this reoccurring dream where I'm 16 again 305 00:23:12,370 --> 00:23:15,282 and I'm standing in Reuben's Butcher Shop on St Viateur. 306 00:23:15,373 --> 00:23:18,240 And I have this long pigtail and it has a ribbon in it, 307 00:23:18,334 --> 00:23:21,747 which my Aunt Sarah brought back from Saks, in New York City. 308 00:23:22,797 --> 00:23:24,958 And did you know Reuben? He was such a card. 309 00:23:25,049 --> 00:23:26,084 When I was 10, 310 00:23:26,175 --> 00:23:29,508 he would always come around from behind the counter and he would go, 311 00:23:29,595 --> 00:23:32,382 "How come a beauty like you isn't married yet?" 312 00:23:32,473 --> 00:23:35,931 I was only 10, which is... And I'm not married now. 313 00:23:36,018 --> 00:23:37,224 Oh. 314 00:23:37,937 --> 00:23:39,928 Is your dad really a cop? Is he? 315 00:23:40,393 --> 00:23:42,376 Is that true? 'Cause I heard he was a cop. 316 00:23:43,401 --> 00:23:46,438 That's why you're not a square like all the other Jewish boys I know. 317 00:23:50,032 --> 00:23:52,318 -Button up your jacket. -I don't want to. 318 00:23:52,410 --> 00:23:53,991 -Why? -Yours isn't buttoned. 319 00:23:54,078 --> 00:23:55,488 Mine doesn't fit as well. 320 00:24:01,252 --> 00:24:04,210 -It's the housekeeper, Dad. -Swanky. 321 00:24:05,423 --> 00:24:06,629 Go ahead. 322 00:24:23,482 --> 00:24:26,144 So, Mr Panofsky, 323 00:24:26,235 --> 00:24:28,159 you must have a lot of interesting stories, 324 00:24:28,406 --> 00:24:30,508 you know, having been a detective and all. 325 00:24:30,906 --> 00:24:32,817 Gorgeous, please call me Izzy. 326 00:24:35,119 --> 00:24:36,359 And I was just a beat cop. 327 00:24:36,454 --> 00:24:40,493 I mean, Jews don't get promoted to detective in this town. 328 00:24:40,750 --> 00:24:44,789 Oh. Did you ever encounter anti-Semitism in your profession? 329 00:24:44,962 --> 00:24:47,704 What do you think? Let me give you an example. 330 00:24:48,424 --> 00:24:49,914 One of my first shifts on the job, 331 00:24:50,009 --> 00:24:52,842 I corner four guys doing a dope deal in an alley, 332 00:24:52,928 --> 00:24:54,839 big score for a rookie. 333 00:24:54,930 --> 00:24:56,420 So, you know, I call in for back up 334 00:24:56,515 --> 00:24:59,723 because the rules say you can only put three in a patrol car. 335 00:24:59,810 --> 00:25:01,721 And, you know, I'm playing it by the book. 336 00:25:01,812 --> 00:25:04,394 The dispatcher says to me, 337 00:25:04,482 --> 00:25:07,224 "Your people are good with numbers, you figure it out." 338 00:25:08,277 --> 00:25:11,895 So I toss three in the back, and the fourth I throw over the hood 339 00:25:11,989 --> 00:25:13,650 and I handcuff him to the... 340 00:25:14,408 --> 00:25:15,397 Side mirror. 341 00:25:16,077 --> 00:25:18,238 There you go. Haul them all in. 342 00:25:19,413 --> 00:25:22,325 Oh, my God, that sounds so dangerous. 343 00:25:23,584 --> 00:25:24,915 Only when he blocked my view. 344 00:25:25,086 --> 00:25:27,577 That's funny. 345 00:25:29,090 --> 00:25:32,298 Are you saying you were gratuitously violent with suspected felons? 346 00:25:32,635 --> 00:25:35,251 Gratuitously? No, I always got paid. I ain't going to work for free. 347 00:25:36,472 --> 00:25:38,303 He means unnecessarily, Dad. 348 00:25:38,933 --> 00:25:41,470 Oh, look. When a fellow is young and you give him authority, 349 00:25:41,602 --> 00:25:42,967 he likes to push people around. 350 00:25:43,104 --> 00:25:45,470 But I always knew that my name was Israel Panofsky, 351 00:25:45,606 --> 00:25:47,813 and you know, I knew I had to be extra careful 352 00:25:47,942 --> 00:25:50,183 and I was, most of the time. 353 00:25:51,445 --> 00:25:52,434 "Most"? 354 00:25:52,530 --> 00:25:54,521 Did you ever consider that your career advancement 355 00:25:54,615 --> 00:25:58,324 was stunted by your professional conduct and not by imagined prejudices? 356 00:26:04,125 --> 00:26:05,365 I call it as I see it. 357 00:26:07,795 --> 00:26:11,037 But you're the one with the mansion on the hill, so what do I know? 358 00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:20,968 You got your brains from him and beauty from her. 359 00:26:21,058 --> 00:26:22,548 And you are one sweet little casserole. 360 00:26:24,145 --> 00:26:25,476 Can we make a toast? 361 00:26:27,523 --> 00:26:30,515 To the blessed match of these two lovebirds. 362 00:26:30,651 --> 00:26:33,142 You never know what tomorrow's going to bring 363 00:26:33,237 --> 00:26:35,603 so get to shtupping and multiply already. 364 00:26:42,580 --> 00:26:44,070 The chicken is great. 365 00:26:44,331 --> 00:26:45,320 It's fish. 366 00:26:48,419 --> 00:26:50,205 No shit? Sorry. 367 00:26:57,845 --> 00:27:00,837 Darling, I can't tell you how gorgeous you look. 368 00:27:00,931 --> 00:27:02,501 And did you see Marsha? 369 00:27:02,556 --> 00:27:04,312 Did you see the way she was looking at you? 370 00:27:04,351 --> 00:27:06,933 Did I ever. Poison from her eyes, she was so jealous. 371 00:27:07,021 --> 00:27:08,886 Did you see what she was wearing? She looked like a futon. 372 00:27:12,109 --> 00:27:13,645 -What? -How's that? Is that gonna do you? 373 00:27:13,736 --> 00:27:15,601 What? No, it's cold, it should be hot. 374 00:27:15,696 --> 00:27:17,061 I think it's supposed to be cold. 375 00:27:18,365 --> 00:27:20,526 Thanks a lot. I appreciate it. Thank you. 376 00:28:29,103 --> 00:28:31,970 We're married! 377 00:28:41,448 --> 00:28:42,813 Hey, man. What's the score? 378 00:28:43,117 --> 00:28:46,780 -One-zip. Boston just scored. -Ah, shit. 379 00:28:50,291 --> 00:28:51,280 Give me a shot. 380 00:28:51,500 --> 00:28:52,785 Mmm-hmm. 381 00:28:58,465 --> 00:28:59,500 I'll have another one. 382 00:29:29,330 --> 00:29:30,365 Sorry. 383 00:29:38,839 --> 00:29:40,704 Beautiful. Bring it around. 384 00:29:40,883 --> 00:29:41,963 Let's go! 385 00:29:42,509 --> 00:29:43,715 Oh! 386 00:29:44,345 --> 00:29:45,835 God damn it! 387 00:29:46,221 --> 00:29:48,177 It was a hell of a save, though. 388 00:29:48,307 --> 00:29:50,844 Barney, your father's with the rabbi. Will you go do something, now? 389 00:29:50,976 --> 00:29:52,011 Mmm-hmm. 390 00:29:52,144 --> 00:29:55,386 Will you put that out? A lot of my relatives have asthma. 391 00:30:01,362 --> 00:30:03,398 So, we're shaking down a rub and tug, you know, 392 00:30:03,530 --> 00:30:06,317 but I never bust the girls because they provide a valuable service. 393 00:30:06,408 --> 00:30:08,114 But, you know, we do it for appearances. 394 00:30:08,202 --> 00:30:13,196 Anyway, we're doing our thing and one of the clients, this crazy Hungarian Nazi, 395 00:30:13,332 --> 00:30:17,496 loaded on Slivovitz starts going ape-shit, comes at me with a chair 396 00:30:17,711 --> 00:30:20,828 and I swear to God, a hard-on the size of a can of hairspray. 397 00:30:25,219 --> 00:30:26,629 -Dad. -Yeah? 398 00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:28,381 -Can I steal you away for a minute? -Yeah, sure. 399 00:30:28,514 --> 00:30:31,096 I'll be back in a minute. If I'm not, you start without me. 400 00:30:31,225 --> 00:30:32,431 All right, come on. 401 00:30:32,601 --> 00:30:34,683 You know, I didn't think I'd be having a good time. 402 00:30:34,770 --> 00:30:37,307 I thought they'd all be snotty, but they're a nice bunch of people. 403 00:30:38,899 --> 00:30:40,230 What are you laughing at? 404 00:30:41,902 --> 00:30:44,063 What are you laughing at? 405 00:30:44,697 --> 00:30:46,562 -Jesus Christ! -What? 406 00:30:46,699 --> 00:30:49,566 Nothing. I love you, Dad. 407 00:30:51,912 --> 00:30:52,901 Oh, man. 408 00:30:55,582 --> 00:30:57,072 -What in the hell's that? -I almost forgot. 409 00:30:57,209 --> 00:30:58,449 Mmm-hmm. 410 00:31:01,296 --> 00:31:02,581 What's that? 411 00:31:04,091 --> 00:31:05,581 Your wedding present. 412 00:31:08,053 --> 00:31:10,009 Jesus Christ. 413 00:31:10,097 --> 00:31:13,430 That was my first gun. I want you to have it. 414 00:31:16,395 --> 00:31:18,477 I don't know what to say. 415 00:31:19,273 --> 00:31:22,561 Don't say anything. Give me a kiss and get us a drink. 416 00:31:25,154 --> 00:31:26,234 Come on. 417 00:31:29,450 --> 00:31:32,567 -Single malt. -Yeah, give the cop a drink. 418 00:31:33,454 --> 00:31:34,944 Your father-in-law said 419 00:31:35,080 --> 00:31:37,196 that neither of you were to have anything else to drink. 420 00:31:37,291 --> 00:31:39,828 -What? -Really? 421 00:31:39,960 --> 00:31:44,294 Is that right? Here you go, Dad, have a party. Where is that asshole? 422 00:31:50,846 --> 00:31:52,256 Don't embarrass me. 423 00:31:55,601 --> 00:31:57,137 -Give me a double. -Yes, sir. 424 00:32:29,843 --> 00:32:30,832 Barney, 425 00:32:32,805 --> 00:32:33,840 can I help you? 426 00:32:35,516 --> 00:32:40,431 Uh... No. Nothing, nothing. Why? Forget it. 427 00:32:40,521 --> 00:32:45,811 Yeah. Don't you ever tell my father what he can and cannot do again. 428 00:32:46,360 --> 00:32:48,351 He traumatised the rabbi's wife. 429 00:32:50,030 --> 00:32:53,022 I don't care if he fingered her under the goddamn table. 430 00:32:53,200 --> 00:32:56,158 He's my father and he will have your respect. 431 00:33:13,887 --> 00:33:15,127 Hello. 432 00:33:15,889 --> 00:33:17,720 -Hi... -Sorry, we haven't met. 433 00:33:17,850 --> 00:33:19,636 -I'm Barney. -I'm Miriam. 434 00:33:19,726 --> 00:33:22,638 -Thank you for having me. -Oh, of course. 435 00:33:22,729 --> 00:33:25,971 -Are you all right? -Fine. Perfect. Yes. 436 00:33:28,402 --> 00:33:30,563 -I understand you're in television. -Mmm. 437 00:33:30,696 --> 00:33:33,233 -Totally Unnecessary Productions. -Oh, that's a little harsh. 438 00:33:33,365 --> 00:33:35,071 No, that's the name of my company. 439 00:33:35,200 --> 00:33:36,906 -It's not. -Yes, it is. 440 00:33:37,035 --> 00:33:40,573 -It is and they are, believe me. -That's funny. 441 00:33:42,916 --> 00:33:43,951 Your cigar is out. 442 00:33:45,377 --> 00:33:48,915 Oh, it's okay. I wouldn't want it to bother you. 443 00:33:49,256 --> 00:33:52,794 Oh, please, it's a Montecristo. Go ahead. 444 00:33:56,096 --> 00:33:57,632 Thank you, I will. 445 00:33:57,764 --> 00:34:00,676 Do you know why they're called Montecristos? 446 00:34:00,767 --> 00:34:02,473 Haven't a clue. 447 00:34:02,603 --> 00:34:04,935 Fine cigars are rolled by hand. 448 00:34:05,480 --> 00:34:07,812 chip in from their own wages and employ lectors, 449 00:34:07,941 --> 00:34:11,559 chip in from their own wages and employ lectors, 450 00:34:11,653 --> 00:34:15,771 these people who read to them all day long while they work. 451 00:34:16,408 --> 00:34:18,865 It's entertainment to make the day pass. 452 00:34:18,952 --> 00:34:21,568 At the factory which produces the Montecristo, 453 00:34:21,663 --> 00:34:23,619 the workers' favourite story was... 454 00:34:24,791 --> 00:34:25,951 Ah-ha. 455 00:34:26,084 --> 00:34:28,951 You guessed it. The Count of said name. 456 00:34:30,130 --> 00:34:31,165 Lectors. 457 00:34:31,298 --> 00:34:32,458 Nice touch, huh? 458 00:34:36,637 --> 00:34:38,093 -I never knew any of that. -Barney! 459 00:34:39,431 --> 00:34:40,762 One. One. 460 00:34:43,310 --> 00:34:45,801 -What? -Thank you! Thank you! 461 00:34:46,271 --> 00:34:48,683 -What's that? -I'm sorry, it's nothing, 462 00:34:48,815 --> 00:34:50,521 it's the hockey game. Stanley Cup. 463 00:34:50,984 --> 00:34:52,144 Oh. Who's winning? 464 00:34:52,945 --> 00:34:55,812 Habs have tied it up, in fact. Do you follow hockey? 465 00:34:55,948 --> 00:34:59,486 No, but I read newspapers. 466 00:35:02,704 --> 00:35:04,615 Are you doing anything later? 467 00:35:04,706 --> 00:35:06,822 Because we could still catch a flight to Rome. 468 00:35:07,501 --> 00:35:09,742 Lunch at Dal Bolognese On the Piazza del Popolo. 469 00:35:09,836 --> 00:35:10,871 To Rome? 470 00:35:11,171 --> 00:35:12,206 Rome. 471 00:35:12,965 --> 00:35:14,956 The bride may take issue with that. 472 00:35:16,176 --> 00:35:19,009 Anyway, I have a train to catch later, back to New York. 473 00:35:20,722 --> 00:35:22,633 -Congratulations again. -Thank you. 474 00:35:32,317 --> 00:35:33,898 Thank you for being here, Boogie. 475 00:35:35,362 --> 00:35:36,977 I'll never miss any of your weddings. 476 00:35:38,907 --> 00:35:40,067 Hey. 477 00:35:46,081 --> 00:35:47,366 I almost forgot. 478 00:35:50,502 --> 00:35:53,710 It's a classy dame. Smart as a whip, too. 479 00:35:53,839 --> 00:35:54,874 Who? 480 00:35:59,094 --> 00:36:02,382 -Let's get you that drink. -That would be good. 481 00:36:15,402 --> 00:36:16,858 Oh, man. 482 00:36:18,405 --> 00:36:24,446 For the first time in my life, I am truly, seriously, irretrievably in love. 483 00:36:24,578 --> 00:36:25,567 So am I, Barney. 484 00:36:27,622 --> 00:36:28,907 So am I. 485 00:36:53,565 --> 00:36:54,771 Central Station, please. 486 00:36:54,858 --> 00:36:57,691 -You see this? -Oh, my God. 487 00:36:58,862 --> 00:37:00,568 You know what, to hell with it. 488 00:37:18,882 --> 00:37:21,965 Ready for boarding on... 489 00:37:34,773 --> 00:37:35,808 IDs, tickets? 490 00:37:39,152 --> 00:37:41,313 Wow! I like you with glasses. 491 00:37:41,780 --> 00:37:44,317 -What are you doing here? -Run away with me. 492 00:37:44,449 --> 00:37:45,484 What? 493 00:37:45,575 --> 00:37:46,985 Run away with me. 494 00:37:47,744 --> 00:37:51,157 Or, or stay with me. I don't care. Or I could go with you. 495 00:37:51,415 --> 00:37:52,905 -Are you out of your mind? -No. I'm... 496 00:37:52,999 --> 00:37:58,084 I'm bent over backwards in love with you, Miriam. 497 00:37:58,171 --> 00:38:01,083 I'm... I'm heels over head, completely... 498 00:38:01,174 --> 00:38:05,367 Don't be ridiculous. We just met, at your wedding. 499 00:38:06,471 --> 00:38:09,675 It's not funny. Barney, get off the train... 500 00:38:09,680 --> 00:38:11,466 I cannot believe that this really happens. 501 00:38:11,852 --> 00:38:14,844 It really happens. Just like that. 502 00:38:15,355 --> 00:38:16,435 IDs, tickets? 503 00:38:16,523 --> 00:38:18,309 It's amazing, no? 504 00:38:19,192 --> 00:38:21,604 And I don't care if it happened On my wedding night, 505 00:38:21,695 --> 00:38:24,653 at a funeral, on my deathbed. 506 00:38:28,452 --> 00:38:29,942 It happened. 507 00:38:30,036 --> 00:38:31,025 IDs. Tickets. 508 00:38:37,502 --> 00:38:39,367 I don't have an ID or a ticket. Sorry. 509 00:38:39,713 --> 00:38:42,546 Then you'll just have to get off the train, Okay? 510 00:38:45,677 --> 00:38:47,463 Get off the train, Barney. 511 00:38:47,554 --> 00:38:51,046 Among other things, sobriety and regret are anxiously waiting up for you. 512 00:38:51,141 --> 00:38:52,802 Here, I got it. 513 00:38:55,896 --> 00:38:57,727 You look fantastic in that dress. 514 00:39:03,695 --> 00:39:05,481 Leaving Montreal in two minutes. 515 00:39:05,572 --> 00:39:07,187 Two minutes, everybody. 516 00:39:39,523 --> 00:39:40,603 Oh! 517 00:39:56,122 --> 00:39:57,282 Oh, my God. 518 00:39:57,415 --> 00:40:00,907 -We thought you were dead. -We thought you were dead. 519 00:40:01,127 --> 00:40:04,210 I called the police, I called all the hospitals. 520 00:40:04,297 --> 00:40:06,458 I was so verklempt, Dr Stein gave me a Valium. 521 00:40:06,633 --> 00:40:08,043 I was supposed to take half, I took the whole thing. 522 00:40:13,932 --> 00:40:15,297 That was a gift. 523 00:40:23,650 --> 00:40:25,936 So this must be the Via Condotti. 524 00:40:32,325 --> 00:40:33,656 Ah! 525 00:40:36,288 --> 00:40:41,328 Would you put that away, please? It's our honeymoon, not a travel junket. 526 00:40:41,793 --> 00:40:43,499 -I'm embarrassing you? -Yes. 527 00:40:44,254 --> 00:40:45,744 Like with the bidet? 528 00:40:46,172 --> 00:40:49,915 You didn't have to ask the concierge. I could have told you what it was for. 529 00:40:50,010 --> 00:40:52,422 -Do you have a master's degree? -No. 530 00:40:52,512 --> 00:40:55,970 Am I embarrassed? Snap out of it. 531 00:40:56,683 --> 00:40:58,014 We came to Rome to have fun! 532 00:40:58,685 --> 00:41:00,926 Not to mourn the death of your first wife. 533 00:41:02,188 --> 00:41:05,351 Yeah, we went to the Vatican. It's old. 534 00:41:05,817 --> 00:41:06,852 Yeah! 535 00:41:06,943 --> 00:41:08,854 Ma. Ma. Ma. 536 00:41:08,945 --> 00:41:10,856 You should see the bathrobes they got here. Yeah. 537 00:41:10,989 --> 00:41:14,527 And the soap. To die for. Well, of course I will. 538 00:41:16,036 --> 00:41:18,277 I already stuffed three bars in my suitcase for you. 539 00:41:19,039 --> 00:41:21,451 Okay, Ma, you know what? I'm going to talk to you tomorrow. 540 00:41:21,541 --> 00:41:23,372 Okay. I'll talk to you tomorrow. 541 00:41:25,837 --> 00:41:27,122 Hmm. 542 00:41:28,882 --> 00:41:32,045 Hey, you know what? I was just thinking about the wedding. 543 00:41:32,177 --> 00:41:35,385 -It was beautiful, wasn't it? -Yeah. Lots of relatives. 544 00:41:35,513 --> 00:41:38,630 -I got a big family. -Yeah, you certainly do. 545 00:41:39,559 --> 00:41:42,426 -Who was that guy from Chicago again? -My cousin, Isaac? 546 00:41:43,146 --> 00:41:46,479 Right, Isaac, right. Funny guy. 547 00:41:49,110 --> 00:41:50,395 And what about that girl? 548 00:41:50,487 --> 00:41:54,776 I think she was from New York, the one in the blue dress? 549 00:41:56,451 --> 00:41:57,782 Oh, Miriam Grant. 550 00:41:58,203 --> 00:42:00,239 Right. Who is she again? 551 00:42:00,372 --> 00:42:02,158 She was a couple of years behind me at McGill. 552 00:42:02,248 --> 00:42:04,614 She's the kind of girl, you know, she subscribes to The Economist, 553 00:42:04,709 --> 00:42:06,040 but she buys Vogue off the stand. 554 00:42:07,087 --> 00:42:08,327 I think Jeff brought her. 555 00:42:08,672 --> 00:42:10,708 -Jeff seems gay. -Jeff is gay. 556 00:42:11,383 --> 00:42:12,498 Just pretends for the family. 557 00:42:13,176 --> 00:42:14,837 Ah. Good. 558 00:42:16,721 --> 00:42:17,881 Good? 559 00:42:18,890 --> 00:42:20,380 Well, yeah. I mean, 560 00:42:20,475 --> 00:42:24,969 better that the guy lives a lie than he inconvenience the family. I mean... 561 00:42:25,522 --> 00:42:26,853 Well, yes. 562 00:42:32,362 --> 00:42:34,398 I think I'm going to take a quick nap before dinner. 563 00:42:35,448 --> 00:42:38,815 -Oh, no, no, no, no. I don't think so. -Why? 564 00:42:39,369 --> 00:42:40,700 I don't think so. 565 00:42:53,341 --> 00:42:58,506 -Oh, did you wash it like I asked? -Yeah. 566 00:42:59,764 --> 00:43:01,925 -With soap? -Yep. 567 00:43:04,018 --> 00:43:05,224 Okay. 568 00:43:26,916 --> 00:43:30,579 -Sorry I'm late. I took a cab. -It's okay, I just got here. 569 00:43:30,670 --> 00:43:33,127 And how are you, my favourite offspring? 570 00:43:33,214 --> 00:43:35,421 To tell you the truth, perplexed. 571 00:43:35,508 --> 00:43:37,499 -By what? -By you. 572 00:43:37,802 --> 00:43:39,633 Before this recent phone incident, 573 00:43:39,721 --> 00:43:43,433 you got Blair a subscription to Boy Toy Monthly using his work address. 574 00:43:43,444 --> 00:43:43,804 Mmm-hmm. 575 00:43:44,002 --> 00:43:47,180 And before that, you signed him up to an Al Qaeda website. 576 00:43:47,270 --> 00:43:49,352 The man still can't fly out of the country. 577 00:43:49,564 --> 00:43:51,304 I've upset Claire, is that it? 578 00:43:51,441 --> 00:43:52,681 No, you've upset Mom. 579 00:43:52,776 --> 00:43:54,687 Blair's too much of a chicken-shit to say anything. 580 00:43:55,945 --> 00:43:59,403 See? You truly are my proudest achievement. Do you know that? 581 00:44:00,658 --> 00:44:03,616 -He stole her from me, sweetheart. -No, he didn't. 582 00:44:03,703 --> 00:44:06,410 You got divorced, she got remarried. 583 00:44:06,831 --> 00:44:08,873 Look, no one was rooting for a comeback more than I was, 584 00:44:08,875 --> 00:44:11,040 but it's time to let it go. 585 00:44:11,127 --> 00:44:15,871 -They're happily married, I'm sorry. -They're married. Stick to the facts. 586 00:44:16,800 --> 00:44:21,510 -An apology wouldn't hurt, either. -Oh, for Christ's sake, apologise to who? 587 00:44:21,596 --> 00:44:25,680 Hey, why don't you come up to the country this weekend, hmm? 588 00:44:26,059 --> 00:44:28,050 -Actually, I have a date. -Oh. 589 00:44:28,520 --> 00:44:31,728 -Nice boy? -No. He's a nasty piece of work. 590 00:44:31,981 --> 00:44:34,563 -Funny. -Yes, he's very nice. 591 00:44:35,318 --> 00:44:39,527 We'll see. It's our third date and I'm not bored silly or madly in love. 592 00:44:39,614 --> 00:44:42,947 I like him. I think that shows a sign of maturity. 593 00:44:43,034 --> 00:44:44,194 What? 594 00:44:46,454 --> 00:44:49,946 -Where the hell did I park my car? -You took a cab. 595 00:44:53,086 --> 00:44:55,543 Right. Yeah. 596 00:44:57,215 --> 00:45:00,753 Well, I definitely need a weekend in the country, huh? 597 00:45:01,344 --> 00:45:02,629 All right. 598 00:46:03,781 --> 00:46:06,488 Oh, thank you, nurse. 599 00:46:06,576 --> 00:46:10,073 Thank you for landing us safely, Constable. 600 00:46:10,163 --> 00:46:13,906 Hopefully, the weather will be more forgiving the next time I pass through. 601 00:46:14,000 --> 00:46:18,164 You can be sure my landing strip will always be clear for you. 602 00:46:22,800 --> 00:46:24,665 Cut! Great. 603 00:46:25,595 --> 00:46:27,051 Moving on to the next setup. 604 00:46:27,555 --> 00:46:29,341 All right, we'll take this one down 605 00:46:29,432 --> 00:46:31,297 -and we're gonna move 7 5 feet. -Um... 606 00:46:35,772 --> 00:46:37,478 I need a couple of rigs. 607 00:46:43,279 --> 00:46:44,394 What's the matter with Solange? 608 00:46:44,697 --> 00:46:46,938 Her fiancé died in a plane crash. 609 00:46:47,283 --> 00:46:49,239 Oh, come on, that was more than a year ago. 610 00:46:49,327 --> 00:46:51,363 I mean, you look at her, you would think that she... 611 00:46:51,621 --> 00:46:55,205 To let you finish that thought would be an insult to stupidity. 612 00:46:55,333 --> 00:46:57,119 -Huh. -Barney, excuse me. 613 00:46:58,086 --> 00:47:00,122 Phone's for you. It's a Miriam Grant. 614 00:47:08,262 --> 00:47:09,297 Miriam? 615 00:47:09,430 --> 00:47:11,045 Barney. This has to stop. 616 00:47:11,140 --> 00:47:12,505 You got my flowers. 617 00:47:12,600 --> 00:47:16,559 Yeah, I got the flowers, I got the gifts, every week it's something else. 618 00:47:17,855 --> 00:47:20,346 I don't know where to start with how inappropriate this all is. 619 00:47:20,441 --> 00:47:23,478 Why don't you just skip ahead from where I'm annoying and inappropriate 620 00:47:23,569 --> 00:47:24,729 to where I'm charming and endearing. 621 00:47:24,821 --> 00:47:28,985 No. 'Cause you're a married man and I won't be involved with you in any way. 622 00:47:29,075 --> 00:47:33,318 No, I'm sorry. I know. Why don't we talk about it over lunch? 623 00:47:34,038 --> 00:47:36,279 I could be in New York tomorrow. 624 00:47:36,374 --> 00:47:38,205 Are you listening to me? 625 00:47:38,292 --> 00:47:39,657 Every word. 626 00:47:39,752 --> 00:47:42,835 Really? Well, words matter. Actions matter. 627 00:47:42,922 --> 00:47:45,709 If you want people to take you seriously, then act accordingly. 628 00:47:46,092 --> 00:47:48,879 Understand? What am I saying? 629 00:47:51,264 --> 00:47:54,222 "Be great in act as you have in thought." 630 00:47:56,894 --> 00:47:58,179 Well, yes, exactly. 631 00:48:00,481 --> 00:48:04,065 I have to go, so stop this nonsense and focus on your marriage. 632 00:48:04,527 --> 00:48:07,109 I'm just so happy that you called. Thank you, Miriam. 633 00:48:07,196 --> 00:48:08,902 Goodbye, Barney. 634 00:48:23,254 --> 00:48:27,372 Well, tell Daddy not to eat the bagels if they make him bloated. 635 00:48:27,717 --> 00:48:30,880 Did I say he was fat? Did... I did not. 636 00:48:31,512 --> 00:48:35,630 I actually have to go because I have to go and vacuum the broadloom downstairs. 637 00:48:36,309 --> 00:48:38,345 Because I had to fire the maid. 638 00:48:39,062 --> 00:48:41,644 Because every time Barney and I would go out, 639 00:48:41,731 --> 00:48:43,346 his father would come over and have sex with her. 640 00:48:45,276 --> 00:48:48,188 I know it's disgusting. You asked. 641 00:48:48,946 --> 00:48:50,231 Goodbye. 642 00:48:56,454 --> 00:48:58,570 If you don't throw this out, I will. 643 00:48:59,165 --> 00:49:01,656 I'll take it up to the country house, yeah? 644 00:49:03,586 --> 00:49:04,746 Oh. 645 00:49:05,046 --> 00:49:08,129 Will you tell your buddy, Bernard, don't throw up all over the place 646 00:49:08,216 --> 00:49:10,207 'cause I just changed out all the carpets. 647 00:49:10,843 --> 00:49:12,174 Absolutely. 648 00:49:15,807 --> 00:49:17,217 You went to the game last night. 649 00:49:17,308 --> 00:49:19,720 You think the score magically changed overnight? 650 00:49:22,105 --> 00:49:23,641 I gotta get going. 651 00:49:26,275 --> 00:49:31,941 Barney. Barney, stop, this is important! 652 00:49:32,365 --> 00:49:35,072 -What's important? -This is... This. 653 00:49:35,326 --> 00:49:37,317 Talking. This communicating. 654 00:49:37,578 --> 00:49:40,615 You don't want Boogie puking all over the carpets and your father's fat. 655 00:49:40,706 --> 00:49:41,912 Does that about cover it? 656 00:49:42,834 --> 00:49:44,745 Do I talk down to you like that? 657 00:49:47,088 --> 00:49:48,453 I gotta get going. 658 00:49:48,965 --> 00:49:51,798 Okay. I'll be... I'll see you in a couple of days. 659 00:50:18,327 --> 00:50:19,362 Hi. 660 00:50:20,580 --> 00:50:22,241 Get in. Come on. 661 00:50:33,092 --> 00:50:34,957 I thought you came here to kick. 662 00:50:38,181 --> 00:50:41,093 Come on, man. I've been on flights for 15 hours. 663 00:50:42,143 --> 00:50:44,759 I had to fix up one more time Or I wasn't going to make it. 664 00:51:05,249 --> 00:51:06,580 Oh, shit. 665 00:51:13,466 --> 00:51:14,626 I thought I'd surprise you. 666 00:51:15,885 --> 00:51:17,216 Surprise. 667 00:51:23,643 --> 00:51:24,678 Thanks. 668 00:51:31,234 --> 00:51:32,770 So, this is why you brought him here? 669 00:51:33,527 --> 00:51:35,392 He needed some place safe to kick. 670 00:51:35,488 --> 00:51:37,570 Yeah, it's called rehab. 671 00:51:38,616 --> 00:51:39,947 You want one? 672 00:51:40,034 --> 00:51:41,365 Just bring the bottle to the table, Barney, 673 00:51:41,452 --> 00:51:43,613 then you won't be jumping up every two minutes. 674 00:51:45,039 --> 00:51:47,655 Wow, are we ever in for a jolly time this weekend. 675 00:51:47,750 --> 00:51:49,331 Oh, you don't know the half of it. 676 00:51:49,418 --> 00:51:51,750 Look what I found while going through your wallet. 677 00:51:54,423 --> 00:51:57,756 You're going to be very embarrassed when they show up. 678 00:51:58,261 --> 00:51:59,842 I called the florist. 679 00:52:01,013 --> 00:52:02,753 While she's usually discreet about her clients, 680 00:52:02,848 --> 00:52:04,133 the ray of sunshine that is you 681 00:52:04,225 --> 00:52:06,716 left the manager eager to tell me about the standing order of roses 682 00:52:06,852 --> 00:52:07,887 that you have to someone 683 00:52:08,020 --> 00:52:09,476 -in New York every week. -Jesus Christ. 684 00:52:09,563 --> 00:52:10,400 This is ridiculous. 685 00:52:10,401 --> 00:52:13,226 Are you going to pick through every goddamn receipt that I have? 686 00:52:17,280 --> 00:52:19,191 I'm not going to sit here and be interrogated like this. 687 00:52:42,221 --> 00:52:43,427 Schmuck. 688 00:53:01,907 --> 00:53:05,491 Sorry I'm late. I have to get a divorce. 689 00:53:07,079 --> 00:53:08,068 What! 690 00:53:08,664 --> 00:53:10,120 Holy shit! 691 00:53:12,084 --> 00:53:13,324 You cheated? 692 00:53:13,419 --> 00:53:14,955 -No. -She did? 693 00:53:15,087 --> 00:53:16,748 -No. -So what happened? 694 00:53:18,799 --> 00:53:20,585 I'm in love with someone else. 695 00:53:24,180 --> 00:53:25,260 Who? 696 00:53:25,473 --> 00:53:27,259 You don't know her. 697 00:53:27,767 --> 00:53:28,973 Where'd you meet her? 698 00:53:30,436 --> 00:53:33,098 -You don't want to know that. -Wait a minute. 699 00:53:33,189 --> 00:53:36,477 You asked me here to talk and now you don't want to talk? 700 00:53:36,609 --> 00:53:38,190 -What do you want from me? -I don't know. 701 00:53:38,277 --> 00:53:39,517 Give me a hint. 702 00:53:40,988 --> 00:53:43,445 -Some paternal wisdom. How about that? -Ah. Fine. 703 00:53:44,867 --> 00:53:49,452 Look, you're talking to someone who knows how hard marriage can be. 704 00:53:49,538 --> 00:53:52,701 In the beginning, it's all briskets and blow jobs and la-di-da, 705 00:53:52,792 --> 00:53:53,827 ain't life grand? 706 00:53:53,959 --> 00:53:56,701 But soon enough, real life starts, right? 707 00:53:57,129 --> 00:53:59,836 You come home from work, all she wants to do is talk. 708 00:54:00,508 --> 00:54:03,250 All you want to do is screw, right? 709 00:54:03,344 --> 00:54:04,272 And before long, 710 00:54:04,273 --> 00:54:07,462 every day is like pushing an avocado through a cheese grater. 711 00:54:07,556 --> 00:54:10,138 It all feels like you're holding a pile of shit. 712 00:54:10,309 --> 00:54:11,515 Mmm. 713 00:54:11,685 --> 00:54:14,301 This is the paternal wisdom I'm gonna get? 714 00:54:15,314 --> 00:54:18,647 Maybe you should just take a step back before you do something rash 715 00:54:18,734 --> 00:54:20,520 and take a good hard look at the situation. 716 00:54:21,195 --> 00:54:25,438 You're married to a well-bred woman who is loaded. 717 00:54:25,533 --> 00:54:29,572 Makes a nice, flaky k ugel, has a beautiful rack. 718 00:54:29,662 --> 00:54:32,244 And many successful marriages have been built on far less. 719 00:54:32,998 --> 00:54:37,742 All right. You know what, just drop it. Forget I even came in here with this. 720 00:54:37,837 --> 00:54:40,374 -Listen to me. Will you listen to me? -Mmm. 721 00:54:40,673 --> 00:54:42,664 If you divorce her, she's going to take you to the cleaners. 722 00:54:42,758 --> 00:54:44,919 Oh, come on. Her father is loaded. 723 00:54:45,511 --> 00:54:48,127 She's going to inherit a shitload of money. She's going to be fine. 724 00:54:48,222 --> 00:54:51,214 You think that's going to stop her from taking all of yours? 725 00:54:52,935 --> 00:54:54,425 I don't care. 726 00:55:04,947 --> 00:55:06,733 You want to tell me her name? 727 00:55:09,285 --> 00:55:10,525 Miriam. 728 00:55:12,246 --> 00:55:16,034 And is she the one? Is she the mother of your children? 729 00:55:18,752 --> 00:55:20,242 Absolutely. 730 00:55:22,381 --> 00:55:23,791 All right then, let's do it. 731 00:55:25,926 --> 00:55:30,135 I'll be back tomorrow. I'm just too drunk to drive tonight. 732 00:55:30,556 --> 00:55:32,421 You're leaving me with a junkie. 733 00:55:33,767 --> 00:55:35,598 Are you with your whore? 734 00:55:35,728 --> 00:55:37,389 -No. -So you do have a whore? 735 00:55:38,564 --> 00:55:41,101 My father was right about you. You son of a bitch! 736 00:55:41,400 --> 00:55:43,231 You're not the kind of man that I should have married. 737 00:55:43,402 --> 00:55:44,608 I should have married... 738 00:55:54,997 --> 00:55:57,158 In local news, forest fires have been reported 739 00:55:57,249 --> 00:55:58,614 along the shores of Mont Orford, 740 00:55:58,751 --> 00:56:01,493 due to continued dry conditions in the area. 741 00:56:01,587 --> 00:56:03,794 Details coming up on the morning news at 7:00. 742 00:56:40,668 --> 00:56:41,828 Oh, God! 743 00:56:44,630 --> 00:56:46,791 Get out! 744 00:56:47,466 --> 00:56:48,455 Oh, shit. 745 00:56:51,804 --> 00:56:53,010 Barney! 746 00:56:55,599 --> 00:56:59,308 You bastard son of a bitch. This is all your fault! 747 00:56:59,812 --> 00:57:00,801 My fault? 748 00:57:00,938 --> 00:57:02,178 Yeah, this is your fault. 749 00:57:02,314 --> 00:57:04,179 You got to be kidding me. 750 00:57:04,316 --> 00:57:08,980 Oh, wow, my wife and my best friend. Good heavens. 751 00:57:09,655 --> 00:57:12,317 I just... I took in a little tray of food 'cause I was worried about him. 752 00:57:12,658 --> 00:57:16,150 And he was all trembling and sweaty and soaked through his sheets, 753 00:57:16,704 --> 00:57:19,116 so I lay down beside him to try and keep him warm. 754 00:57:19,206 --> 00:57:21,117 And I don't know how he got my robe off! 755 00:57:21,208 --> 00:57:22,414 No, it's a mystery. 756 00:57:22,501 --> 00:57:24,787 Must have been some kind Of voodoo magic or something. 757 00:57:24,878 --> 00:57:27,665 Wasn't that covered by your master's degree? 758 00:57:28,007 --> 00:57:29,713 Yeah, didn't you take that class? 759 00:57:29,842 --> 00:57:32,629 Feminist Approaches to Fornication and Adultery. 760 00:57:32,720 --> 00:57:33,926 I can't hear you! 761 00:57:34,013 --> 00:57:36,971 -Maybe you were sick that day, professor. -You know, 762 00:57:37,683 --> 00:57:40,641 I don't think we should talk about this while I am still so upset. 763 00:57:41,186 --> 00:57:43,893 -Oh, you're so upset? -Yes! 764 00:57:44,023 --> 00:57:45,513 You're so upset. 765 00:57:45,649 --> 00:57:46,855 And now I'm leaving! 766 00:57:46,984 --> 00:57:48,849 Where the hell are you going, sweetheart? 767 00:57:48,986 --> 00:57:50,396 I'm going to my mother's! 768 00:57:50,696 --> 00:57:53,529 Oh, well, say hi. And tell them we're getting a divorce! 769 00:57:54,241 --> 00:57:55,321 Tell her yourself. 770 00:57:55,701 --> 00:57:58,534 But don't do it today, because she's getting a root canal. 771 00:57:58,829 --> 00:58:00,945 I was coming back to try to work things out. 772 00:58:01,040 --> 00:58:02,371 Oh, bullshit! 773 00:58:02,666 --> 00:58:05,032 I bet you two perverts cooked this whole thing up together. 774 00:58:05,210 --> 00:58:10,045 No, I'm going to kill him for this and then I'm coming for you. 775 00:58:10,174 --> 00:58:12,256 And just for kicks, your father after that. 776 00:58:12,384 --> 00:58:13,749 Go to hell! 777 00:58:24,688 --> 00:58:25,894 Animal! 778 00:58:46,043 --> 00:58:47,829 I should kill you for this. 779 00:58:47,920 --> 00:58:49,535 Oh, no. 780 00:58:50,255 --> 00:58:52,211 What you should have done was call first. 781 00:58:54,885 --> 00:58:56,250 Thank you. 782 00:58:59,932 --> 00:59:02,218 How could you do that to me? 783 00:59:02,601 --> 00:59:04,592 Oh, no, no, no. She did it to me. 784 00:59:05,062 --> 00:59:06,097 Ah. 785 00:59:06,230 --> 00:59:07,891 It was innocent enough to start with. 786 00:59:08,107 --> 00:59:11,850 She brought me something to eat. She started talking and talking and talking. 787 00:59:11,944 --> 00:59:14,936 Tells me how you've been shirking your husbandly duties. 788 00:59:15,072 --> 00:59:16,187 So you fucked her? 789 00:59:16,281 --> 00:59:18,397 Well, it was the only thing that would shut her up. 790 00:59:25,582 --> 00:59:27,413 Try the dining room. 791 00:59:28,877 --> 00:59:32,415 I'm going to need you to do something for me, Boogie. 792 00:59:34,633 --> 00:59:38,967 I'm going to need you to testify that I came home to you in bed with my wife. 793 00:59:41,890 --> 00:59:45,599 You sly bastard. You planned this all along, didn't you? 794 00:59:46,228 --> 00:59:47,809 Oh, no, no, no, no. 795 00:59:48,397 --> 00:59:50,809 No. Who could have planned this? 796 00:59:55,571 --> 00:59:57,812 I don't see any scotch, but lookie here? 797 00:59:58,282 --> 00:59:59,317 Lookie, lookie here. 798 01:00:01,577 --> 01:00:02,783 What do you say, huh? 799 01:00:03,162 --> 01:00:04,902 Duel at high noon? 800 01:00:05,956 --> 01:00:08,993 I just don't think we have enough booze to get us there, do we? 801 01:00:09,084 --> 01:00:10,995 -That's loaded, shmuck. -Hmm. 802 01:00:12,755 --> 01:00:14,620 Come on, there's more in the kitchen. 803 01:00:34,860 --> 01:00:36,600 Hey, man, hey. 804 01:00:37,946 --> 01:00:43,191 Hey, listen, man, will you testify for me or not? 805 01:00:44,411 --> 01:00:45,821 I'll think about it. 806 01:00:47,831 --> 01:00:51,870 You know what? I think that it's time that you came through for me, for once. 807 01:00:55,506 --> 01:00:59,249 How many times have I bailed you out Over the years, man? 808 01:00:59,885 --> 01:01:02,592 I don't know, man. I wasn't counting. 809 01:01:03,972 --> 01:01:05,508 Neither was I. 810 01:01:06,600 --> 01:01:08,431 You sure about that? 811 01:01:11,647 --> 01:01:14,810 When I had nothing, I borrowed for you, man. 812 01:01:17,152 --> 01:01:18,642 You owe me. 813 01:01:22,032 --> 01:01:25,741 Isn't this getting interesting? Very interesting. 814 01:01:28,205 --> 01:01:31,447 But I'd like to go for a swim and think it over. 815 01:01:33,043 --> 01:01:35,534 You must have a snorkel and flippers here somewhere. 816 01:01:48,517 --> 01:01:51,099 Hey, Balzac, how's the novel coming along? 817 01:01:54,231 --> 01:01:58,099 Now, are you asking as a friend, Or are you asking as an investor? 818 01:01:58,193 --> 01:01:59,353 Both. 819 01:01:59,778 --> 01:02:03,441 Well, I'm still working on it, man. 820 01:02:03,532 --> 01:02:05,113 You're a fraud. 821 01:02:06,869 --> 01:02:11,863 -Have I let poor Barney down? -Yeah, you have, yeah, fraud. 822 01:02:12,791 --> 01:02:17,125 Well, too fucking bad. Too fucking bad. 823 01:02:18,213 --> 01:02:19,828 -You know what, man? -What? 824 01:02:19,965 --> 01:02:23,253 -I brought you in. I educated you. -Mmm. 825 01:02:23,343 --> 01:02:27,211 I put all the right books right in your hands and look what you've become. 826 01:02:27,306 --> 01:02:28,466 What? 827 01:02:29,016 --> 01:02:32,508 A TV hustler married to a rich man's vulgar daughter. 828 01:02:34,104 --> 01:02:37,767 But not so Vulgar that you wouldn't bang her, asshole. 829 01:02:38,358 --> 01:02:42,601 Oh, and that's not the only wife of yours I had. Not at all. 830 01:02:43,989 --> 01:02:46,230 The next time I'm in New York, 831 01:02:46,325 --> 01:02:49,692 I'll call on your little tart and I'll make it a trifecta. 832 01:02:53,874 --> 01:02:55,034 Fuck you! 833 01:03:21,360 --> 01:03:25,103 What happened to you? Boogie, what happened to you? 834 01:03:26,031 --> 01:03:29,615 Nothing. Absolutely nothing happened to me. 835 01:03:30,452 --> 01:03:33,159 That's what you take as such a personal offence. 836 01:03:33,622 --> 01:03:35,453 I am not your pet project. 837 01:03:36,249 --> 01:03:38,410 I am not your vicarious life. 838 01:03:39,086 --> 01:03:40,201 You're not my friend? 839 01:03:41,421 --> 01:03:43,332 Hey! Do you realise something? 840 01:03:43,423 --> 01:03:45,459 Do you realise that you haven't even come close 841 01:03:45,550 --> 01:03:48,587 -to giving me a goddamn apology? -You know what? 842 01:03:48,679 --> 01:03:53,139 Let me recommend another book for you to stock your shelf with there, Barney. 843 01:03:53,225 --> 01:03:55,591 The Life of Heinrich Heine, 844 01:03:55,686 --> 01:03:58,393 who, upon his deathbed, was begged by his loved ones 845 01:03:58,480 --> 01:04:01,142 to ask for God's forgiveness before he passed. 846 01:04:01,233 --> 01:04:06,273 But good old Heinrich, he had only this to say, "God will surely forgive me. 847 01:04:07,489 --> 01:04:09,980 "After all it's his fucking job."