1
00:00:44,879 --> 00:00:46,214
MAN 1:
What's it all about?
2
00:00:46,381 --> 00:00:49,759
MAN 2:
America, Jesus, freedom.
3
00:00:49,926 --> 00:00:51,177
MAN 1:
Say it again.
4
00:00:51,344 --> 00:00:54,722
CAM:
America, Jesus, freedom.
5
00:00:54,889 --> 00:00:56,099
MITCH:
And what does that mean?
6
00:00:56,266 --> 00:01:00,853
CAM: Shit, I don't know.
But the people sure love it when I say it.
7
00:01:01,020 --> 00:01:02,689
How's my hair?
8
00:01:02,855 --> 00:01:05,525
Strong. Real strong.
9
00:01:05,692 --> 00:01:07,235
(CHEERING)
(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)
10
00:01:07,402 --> 00:01:09,737
ANNOUNCER (OVER SPEAKER):
Let's send him back to Washington.
11
00:01:09,904 --> 00:01:14,158
Democratic congressman today,
vice president tomorrow.
12
00:01:14,325 --> 00:01:17,036
Here he is, running unopposed...
13
00:01:17,203 --> 00:01:20,164
- Hello, everyone!
- ...Cam Brady!
14
00:01:21,583 --> 00:01:26,004
North Carolina is taking care of business.
15
00:01:26,963 --> 00:01:31,884
Just like you, every day,
I'm living the American dream.
16
00:01:32,510 --> 00:01:34,846
I come from humble beginnings.
17
00:01:35,013 --> 00:01:36,848
My father worked with his hands...
18
00:01:37,015 --> 00:01:40,560
...as head stylist for Vidal Sassoon.
19
00:01:40,727 --> 00:01:43,730
WOMAN: Amen!
CAM: Very much the typical American family.
20
00:01:43,896 --> 00:01:48,693
I'm here today with my beautiful family,
and I'd love for you to welcome them.
21
00:01:48,860 --> 00:01:51,279
My two children, Jessica, Cam Jr.
22
00:01:51,446 --> 00:01:55,116
- I love you, J. Lo. Camouflage.
MAN: Get them, Camo!
23
00:01:55,283 --> 00:01:59,329
And of course, my Rock of Gibraltar...
24
00:01:59,495 --> 00:02:01,289
...Mrs. Rose Brady, my wife.
25
00:02:01,456 --> 00:02:02,498
Love you, baby.
26
00:02:02,665 --> 00:02:04,959
CAM:
My dream maker. Thanks for coming out.
27
00:02:05,126 --> 00:02:07,462
Cam Brady '012.
28
00:02:08,338 --> 00:02:11,215
Our nation's security
has never been stronger...
29
00:02:11,382 --> 00:02:16,012
...because our troops and our veterans
are this nation's backbone.
30
00:02:16,179 --> 00:02:20,308
Because farmers are this nation's backbone.
31
00:02:20,767 --> 00:02:24,896
Schools is this nation's backbone.
32
00:02:25,063 --> 00:02:30,401
Audio-installation specialists and window
tinters are this nation's backbone.
33
00:02:30,568 --> 00:02:36,741
Because Filipino Tilt-A-Whirl operators
are this nation's backbone.
34
00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:41,621
And I wanna make you a promise today...
35
00:02:41,788 --> 00:02:46,209
...that if you send me back to Washington,
D.C., for a fifth consecutive term...
36
00:02:46,376 --> 00:02:52,048
...I will let them know it's about America,
Jesus and freedom.
37
00:02:52,256 --> 00:02:53,925
We love you, Cam!
38
00:02:55,218 --> 00:02:57,303
I love you too.
39
00:02:57,470 --> 00:02:59,430
You got a lot of energy, don't you?
40
00:02:59,597 --> 00:03:01,557
(CHEERS)
41
00:03:02,225 --> 00:03:03,518
- Oh, Shana.
- Oh! Oh, Cam!
42
00:03:03,685 --> 00:03:05,144
Your body's so toned.
43
00:03:05,311 --> 00:03:06,562
- Cam!
- So toned.
44
00:03:06,729 --> 00:03:09,982
- Cam, it smells horrible in here.
- It's not that bad once you get used to it.
45
00:03:10,149 --> 00:03:11,192
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
46
00:03:11,359 --> 00:03:14,570
If it's a-rocking, don't come a-knocking.
47
00:03:19,742 --> 00:03:21,285
This is bad, Cam.
48
00:03:21,452 --> 00:03:24,664
This is real bad. Okay?
I don't like those numbers at all.
49
00:03:24,831 --> 00:03:28,334
- Just one poll. Those things aren't scientific.
- Yes, they are.
50
00:03:28,501 --> 00:03:30,420
All this is is science. This is math.
51
00:03:30,586 --> 00:03:33,214
But if you took it
and put it on its axis this way...
52
00:03:33,381 --> 00:03:36,801
Hey, look, Cam, I'm telling you right now,
it was the phone call.
53
00:03:36,968 --> 00:03:38,219
CAM: Mm-mm.
- Yes.
54
00:03:38,386 --> 00:03:41,889
- No way.
- Yes way. No, look at this, look at this, okay?
55
00:03:42,056 --> 00:03:45,435
Sixty-two percent of the people
that got asked liked you, okay?
56
00:03:45,601 --> 00:03:49,188
Then the phone call happened.
Then they asked the same question.
57
00:03:49,355 --> 00:03:51,607
Now only 46 percent of the people like you.
58
00:03:52,108 --> 00:03:54,026
Run through it one more time.
59
00:03:54,193 --> 00:03:56,362
Look, before the call, this is you.
Like Price Is Right.
60
00:03:56,529 --> 00:03:58,698
(YODELING)
61
00:03:58,865 --> 00:04:00,783
And then look at that. Straight down.
62
00:04:00,950 --> 00:04:04,287
I thought I was calling Shana. I misdialed.
63
00:04:04,704 --> 00:04:07,373
And, Lord, we just pray
that you bless this table...
64
00:04:07,540 --> 00:04:09,584
...this food, this family and this nation.
65
00:04:09,751 --> 00:04:11,544
(RINGING)
66
00:04:11,711 --> 00:04:15,715
Hey, Jared,
let's let the machine take one for God.
67
00:04:15,882 --> 00:04:17,550
(MACHINE BEEPS)
68
00:04:17,717 --> 00:04:20,887
CAM (ON MACHINE): Hey, Shana,
it's Congressman Cam Brady here.
69
00:04:21,053 --> 00:04:25,933
I just stepped away from a family dinner to
tell you I wish I wasn't eating fried steak.
70
00:04:26,100 --> 00:04:28,227
I wish I was eating Shana pussy.
71
00:04:28,394 --> 00:04:32,273
Seriously, baby, you get me so hard
my dick presses against my zipper...
72
00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,484
...and it hurts like a motherfucker.
73
00:04:34,650 --> 00:04:35,693
What else?
74
00:04:35,860 --> 00:04:38,446
Oh, hey, I got your parents tickets to
The Producers.
75
00:04:38,613 --> 00:04:41,616
And, oh, yeah,
let's do something crazy weird next time...
76
00:04:41,783 --> 00:04:44,702
like lick each other's buttholes
in a Denny's bathroom.
77
00:04:44,869 --> 00:04:47,121
All right, I gotta go. Cam Brady in '012.
78
00:04:47,288 --> 00:04:49,874
- Okay.
- Now, that was clearly a wrong number.
79
00:04:50,041 --> 00:04:51,876
MOTHER: Right.
- He is not listening to Jesus...
80
00:04:52,043 --> 00:04:56,005
...because if he was,
oh, Jesus would give him a tongue-lashing.
81
00:04:56,172 --> 00:04:59,300
Not like the one he has requested.
82
00:05:00,343 --> 00:05:02,303
And that family's hopping mad.
83
00:05:02,470 --> 00:05:04,597
- What do you want me to say?
- You tell me.
84
00:05:05,097 --> 00:05:07,725
I fucked up.
85
00:05:07,892 --> 00:05:10,645
Yeah, we're in a bad situation here, okay?
86
00:05:10,812 --> 00:05:14,065
- What do you wanna do?
- Get out front. Walk it back.
87
00:05:14,232 --> 00:05:15,274
(REPORTERS CHATTERING)
88
00:05:15,441 --> 00:05:19,237
We can't have this.
It's a behavior that has to stop.
89
00:05:19,403 --> 00:05:21,364
But, congressman, you made the call.
90
00:05:21,531 --> 00:05:24,033
I have made in my lifetime...
91
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:27,453
...probably over 100,000 phone calls...
92
00:05:27,620 --> 00:05:30,957
...of which I could say maybe 1 percent
have been inappropriate.
93
00:05:31,123 --> 00:05:33,501
- What is that, a thousand phone calls?
- That is exactly 1000.
94
00:05:33,668 --> 00:05:38,506
A thousand phone calls have been rude,
inappropriate, sexually explicit.
95
00:05:38,673 --> 00:05:40,383
Phone calls I wish I could take back.
96
00:05:40,550 --> 00:05:45,721
But that's only 1000 out of 100,000.
I'll take those odds any day of the week.
97
00:05:49,517 --> 00:05:50,726
(BAND PLAYING SLOW JAZZ MUSIO
98
00:05:50,893 --> 00:05:53,771
LLOYD: Gentlemen, I can't bring this bill
to the floor. I'll get killed.
99
00:05:53,938 --> 00:05:57,191
There is no way Congress
will let Motch Worldwide Global...
100
00:05:57,358 --> 00:06:01,487
...put "made in America"
on goods made in China.
101
00:06:01,654 --> 00:06:05,408
Why not?
The name of the town in China is America.
102
00:06:05,575 --> 00:06:07,243
Oh, now, technically it's Mera-Kai.
103
00:06:07,410 --> 00:06:09,954
My brother and I are job creators.
104
00:06:10,121 --> 00:06:13,207
And because of that,
we're also candidate creators.
105
00:06:13,374 --> 00:06:14,750
(CHUCKLING)
My hands are tied.
106
00:06:14,917 --> 00:06:17,253
GLENN: That's a real pity, isn't it, Wade?
WADE: Yeah.
107
00:06:17,420 --> 00:06:21,007
By the time we're finished, half your
district will think you're a Marxist...
108
00:06:21,173 --> 00:06:25,219
...and the other half will think you've got
every D.C. Craigslist hooker on speed dial.
109
00:06:25,386 --> 00:06:27,179
Got it?
110
00:06:27,346 --> 00:06:31,392
When the family plugged in their phone
into the answering machine...
111
00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:34,186
...they became consenting adults.
112
00:06:34,353 --> 00:06:35,563
Cam Brady's done.
113
00:06:35,730 --> 00:06:37,982
He doesn't have this district
locked up any more.
114
00:06:38,149 --> 00:06:40,067
Let's get Brady out of there.
115
00:06:40,234 --> 00:06:42,612
Finance someone
who'll be a friend of the Motches...
116
00:06:42,778 --> 00:06:44,739
...and help us change these regulations.
117
00:06:44,906 --> 00:06:47,533
Who do we have down there
that we could run?
118
00:06:47,700 --> 00:06:50,536
Big Jim Santon's in prison
for embezzling state lottery funds.
119
00:06:50,703 --> 00:06:54,749
- Sad.
- Well, Raymond Huggins' boy Marty?
120
00:06:55,708 --> 00:06:57,543
Isn't he the weird one?
121
00:06:57,710 --> 00:07:00,212
Has weird ever stopped us before?
122
00:07:00,379 --> 00:07:05,217
How, in the year 2012,
do they still have an answering machine?
123
00:07:05,384 --> 00:07:07,720
Why are they denied modern technology?
124
00:07:07,887 --> 00:07:09,972
Make the call.
125
00:07:15,937 --> 00:07:17,688
Come on, guys.
126
00:07:19,815 --> 00:07:23,235
TAMMY: Hey there, Marty.
- Hey, Tammy.
127
00:07:24,862 --> 00:07:29,575
- Good morning, Dr. Scruggs.
SCRUGGS: I have no idea who you are.
128
00:07:30,034 --> 00:07:32,995
Hey, Diane.
How's business at Candles 'N' Such?
129
00:07:33,162 --> 00:07:36,707
Such is selling.
I can't move the candles, though.
130
00:07:36,874 --> 00:07:39,835
Yes, you can, Diane.
"Can't" is the real C-word.
131
00:07:42,713 --> 00:07:46,342
Cock-a-doodle-doo, Travis. You look tired.
Did you get some sleep?
132
00:07:46,509 --> 00:07:48,761
Yeah, I'm just real high.
133
00:07:48,928 --> 00:07:50,680
(CHUCKLING)
You're hysterical, Travis.
134
00:07:51,263 --> 00:07:55,351
- How's the turnout for the 11:30 tour?
- Just one person signed in.
135
00:07:55,518 --> 00:07:59,730
What? Are you serious? What happened
to the eighth-grade field trip?
136
00:07:59,897 --> 00:08:02,274
I guess the kids
would just rather go to class.
137
00:08:02,441 --> 00:08:05,695
- Well, I just need one person.
- Yeah, well, guess who it is.
138
00:08:05,861 --> 00:08:09,115
Mrs. Cutler again.
She got a crush on you, Marty.
139
00:08:09,281 --> 00:08:11,534
She's gonna have to get in line. Heh.
140
00:08:12,535 --> 00:08:16,580
Hammond, or the jewel of the Carolinas,
as I like to call it...
141
00:08:16,747 --> 00:08:21,002
...is rich in history
and flush with natural beauty.
142
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:22,795
We've also had celebrities pass through.
143
00:08:22,962 --> 00:08:25,089
Eight years ago,
actress Rosie Perez passed through...
144
00:08:25,256 --> 00:08:26,298
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
145
00:08:26,465 --> 00:08:29,510
...when she got turned around on the
interstate and came to ask us for direc...
146
00:08:29,677 --> 00:08:32,680
- Travis, stop, stop. Stop the tour. Stop the tour.
- Now? All right.
147
00:08:32,847 --> 00:08:34,390
(TIRES SCREECH)
148
00:08:34,932 --> 00:08:36,600
Hello, Father?
149
00:08:37,143 --> 00:08:38,227
Yes.
150
00:08:38,394 --> 00:08:40,730
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
151
00:08:59,874 --> 00:09:02,710
WOMAN (IN SOUTHERN ACCENT):
Oh, I's a-coming, I's a-coming.
152
00:09:02,877 --> 00:09:04,045
Patience for the tired.
153
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:07,757
Now, you just enjoy that view
from the porch, now.
154
00:09:07,923 --> 00:09:10,176
Oh. Almost there.
155
00:09:11,844 --> 00:09:14,722
Oh, well, my Lord, if it ain't Mr. Marty.
156
00:09:14,889 --> 00:09:16,140
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
157
00:09:16,307 --> 00:09:18,976
- Hi, Mrs. Yao.
- Oh, come on in, child.
158
00:09:19,143 --> 00:09:23,064
Oh, Mr. Senior's down at the docks
trying to scare up some catfish.
159
00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:25,608
He's still making you talk like that?
160
00:09:25,775 --> 00:09:28,944
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Yup. He pays me an extra 50 bucks a week.
161
00:09:29,111 --> 00:09:31,155
Says it reminds him of the good old days.
162
00:09:31,322 --> 00:09:33,365
MARTY: He can be an old coot.
- Yeah.
163
00:09:33,532 --> 00:09:35,951
(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
Well, hey, your daddy down by the lake...
164
00:09:36,118 --> 00:09:37,620
...fishing for some catfish to fry up.
165
00:09:37,787 --> 00:09:40,706
Mm, Lordy, that sounds good.
166
00:09:40,873 --> 00:09:42,416
Catfish.
167
00:09:46,045 --> 00:09:49,298
- Marty, you stack of cock rings.
- Stop! Ha, ha!
168
00:09:49,465 --> 00:09:52,802
TRIPP: Mouthful of pubes.
- Don't tickle. Stop tickling me! Stop tickling me!
169
00:09:52,968 --> 00:09:55,096
- Full revenge, man.
- Stop! Stop tickling me!
170
00:09:55,888 --> 00:09:58,599
I'm sorry, brother. Ha, ha. Oh, man.
171
00:09:58,766 --> 00:10:00,518
You should see the look
on your stupid face.
172
00:10:00,684 --> 00:10:04,146
Ah. It's good to see you, brother.
Daddy got a little surprise for you.
173
00:10:04,313 --> 00:10:07,108
- Do you know what it is?
- Yeah. But I ain't gonna tell you, dick sweat.
174
00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:09,068
- Bam! Ha, ha.
- Ow!
175
00:10:09,235 --> 00:10:12,321
- It's still funny.
- Come on. Let's not keep Daddy waiting.
176
00:10:13,531 --> 00:10:16,242
MARTY:
Okay. Hey, Daddy.
177
00:10:24,875 --> 00:10:26,836
Now, listen up.
178
00:10:27,002 --> 00:10:30,214
Glenn and Wade Motch called this morning.
You know the Motch brothers?
179
00:10:30,381 --> 00:10:34,802
And they feel there's an opening
to challenge Cam Brady for congressman.
180
00:10:34,969 --> 00:10:38,430
And, well...
181
00:10:38,597 --> 00:10:40,599
...believe it or not...
182
00:10:41,142 --> 00:10:43,769
...they want you to run for office.
183
00:10:44,895 --> 00:10:48,482
Dad, that is like the greatest...
184
00:10:50,192 --> 00:10:53,696
This is like the greatest news I've ever heard.
I can't believe this.
185
00:10:53,863 --> 00:10:57,158
All these years I've been begging you
to let me get into politics...
186
00:10:57,324 --> 00:10:58,742
...and right now here it is.
187
00:10:58,909 --> 00:11:02,955
I didn't even know they knew who I was.
Motch brothers.
188
00:11:03,122 --> 00:11:04,999
Well, I'll tell you this.
189
00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:09,670
I'll make you proud. I will.
190
00:11:11,297 --> 00:11:13,299
I'll make you... I'll make you real proud.
191
00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:17,344
I'd say there's mathematically zero chance
of that happening.
192
00:11:17,511 --> 00:11:19,597
Your brother Tripp is a bull's-eye.
193
00:11:19,763 --> 00:11:23,309
But you look like Richard Simmons
just crapped out a goddamn hobbit.
194
00:11:23,475 --> 00:11:28,439
Dad, if you're still holding a grudge
because I wore Crocs to Mom's funeral...
195
00:11:28,606 --> 00:11:32,234
...like I've told you a thousand times,
I'm sorry.
196
00:11:32,401 --> 00:11:35,070
Mom would've wanted it that way.
She was casual.
197
00:11:35,696 --> 00:11:37,198
I don't even know what to think.
198
00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:39,283
I got so many thoughts
running through my mind...
199
00:11:39,450 --> 00:11:43,746
...about what I can do for the district and
for the town, for the people of Hammond.
200
00:11:43,913 --> 00:11:47,166
Give them a voice.
Put them in the right direction.
201
00:11:47,333 --> 00:11:49,293
I mean, it's a mess out there.
202
00:11:49,460 --> 00:11:53,297
Son, it's no secret
we've never enjoyed each other's company.
203
00:11:53,464 --> 00:11:56,008
You can be so bleak sometimes, Dad.
204
00:11:56,175 --> 00:11:57,218
Hmm.
205
00:11:57,718 --> 00:12:02,056
Did you ever get that calendar I sent
of those animals dressed in human clothing?
206
00:12:02,223 --> 00:12:05,017
I was looking at mine yesterday
because I bought one for myself...
207
00:12:05,184 --> 00:12:07,770
...and it had a giraffe in high heels.
208
00:12:07,937 --> 00:12:10,564
And I thought to myself,
"Who thinks of this stuff?"
209
00:12:10,731 --> 00:12:12,358
I laughed so hard.
210
00:12:12,524 --> 00:12:15,945
I thought it was super cute.
A giraffe is tall enough as is.
211
00:12:16,111 --> 00:12:18,781
Then somebody thought,
"Let's put a giraffe in high heels.
212
00:12:18,948 --> 00:12:21,283
Maybe add a belt.
There was a little bow on him."
213
00:12:21,450 --> 00:12:24,411
Boy, you really are a sad little fucker,
aren't you?
214
00:12:49,270 --> 00:12:51,855
(IN MANDARIN)
215
00:13:02,616 --> 00:13:06,829
WADE: This is the 14th district of
North Carolina and the city of Hammond.
216
00:13:06,996 --> 00:13:10,833
We are acquiring massive parcels of real
estate under a shell corporation...
217
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:13,127
...so we can reopen three large factories.
218
00:13:13,294 --> 00:13:14,837
Ostensibly, we own this district.
219
00:13:15,004 --> 00:13:18,424
We think we can operate at the same
regulatory and wage levels as China...
220
00:13:18,590 --> 00:13:20,592
...and eliminate shipping costs.
221
00:13:20,759 --> 00:13:23,012
(IN ENGLISH)
And your government will cooperate?
222
00:13:23,178 --> 00:13:26,015
We also own
the most important resource of all:
223
00:13:26,181 --> 00:13:27,683
a willing candidate.
224
00:13:27,850 --> 00:13:31,645
Candidate. Your elections
are unpredictable.
225
00:13:31,812 --> 00:13:35,274
Mr. Zheng, there's something
you need to know about American politics.
226
00:13:35,441 --> 00:13:38,819
When you've got the money,
nothing is unpredictable.
227
00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:40,571
(CHUCKLES)
228
00:13:41,572 --> 00:13:44,533
CARTER: Sometimes democracy moves
with the stroke of a pen...
229
00:13:44,700 --> 00:13:48,245
...and tonight Cam Brady
will win his fifth term in Congress...
230
00:13:48,412 --> 00:13:50,831
...simply by registering for the ballot.
231
00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:53,292
That's the perks of running unopposed.
232
00:13:53,459 --> 00:13:57,087
- Check it out. It's a picture of my dick.
- Oh, come on.
233
00:13:57,254 --> 00:14:00,466
I shaved my pubic hair to look
like a 19th-century handlebar mustache.
234
00:14:00,632 --> 00:14:03,385
- Man, put that away, will you?
- I'm gonna tweet it to Shana.
235
00:14:03,552 --> 00:14:05,679
- Cam, don't do that, please.
- Too late.
236
00:14:05,846 --> 00:14:07,848
I CC'd you. Heh.
237
00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:09,808
- I don't wanna see it.
- You're welcome.
238
00:14:09,975 --> 00:14:15,105
Next up, we have ballot confirmation
of Camden Brady, congressman.
239
00:14:15,272 --> 00:14:16,315
CAM:
Thank you, Carl.
240
00:14:16,482 --> 00:14:18,942
- Let's get this bad boy signed.
CARL: Let's do it.
241
00:14:19,109 --> 00:14:21,111
(DOOR HANDLE RATTLING)
242
00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:31,205
I couldn't tell what was going on.
I thought the thing was locked.
243
00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:35,292
What the hell is this?
244
00:14:38,087 --> 00:14:39,588
(WHISPERS) Hey, Becky.
BECKY: HL
245
00:14:39,755 --> 00:14:41,340
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
246
00:14:43,675 --> 00:14:48,722
Hello.
My name is Marty Sylvester Huggins...
247
00:14:49,390 --> 00:14:54,812
...and I'm here today to formally announce
my candidacy on the Republican ticket...
248
00:14:54,978 --> 00:14:57,940
...for the 14th district for congressman.
249
00:14:58,357 --> 00:15:03,987
I have, uh, my check and my application and
my birth certificate all right here if you...
250
00:15:04,154 --> 00:15:06,281
Wait, what...? Hold on. Hold on.
What's going on here?
251
00:15:06,448 --> 00:15:07,533
(GAVEL BANGS)
252
00:15:07,699 --> 00:15:10,786
Hold on a second, Cam.
Let me take a look at this.
253
00:15:12,037 --> 00:15:13,664
All his paperwork is here.
254
00:15:13,831 --> 00:15:15,124
(GAVEL BANGS)
255
00:15:15,290 --> 00:15:17,501
Marty Huggins is officially
on the ballot...
256
00:15:17,668 --> 00:15:19,837
- ...running for congressional representative...
- What?
257
00:15:20,003 --> 00:15:21,964
...of the 14th district of North Carolina.
258
00:15:22,131 --> 00:15:23,966
- Are you kidding me?
- Hey, come on, Carl.
259
00:15:24,133 --> 00:15:26,593
- Is this some kind of joke?
- Come on, Carl.
260
00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:28,554
They're gonna wanna get to know you...
261
00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:30,889
...now that you're challenging
our congressman.
262
00:15:31,056 --> 00:15:32,891
How do you expect to do that?
263
00:15:36,353 --> 00:15:39,565
- Uh, say that again.
- That's Marty Huggins.
264
00:15:39,731 --> 00:15:42,901
You know, back in fourth grade,
they used to call him Tickle Shits...
265
00:15:43,068 --> 00:15:45,737
...because all you had to do was tickle him
and he'd shit his pants.
266
00:15:45,904 --> 00:15:48,157
- Oh, I remember that name.
- Mm-hm.
267
00:15:48,323 --> 00:15:50,617
(CHUCKLING) I'm Marty Huggins,
and I approve this message.
268
00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:52,536
- I've always wanted to say that.
- Heh.
269
00:15:56,290 --> 00:15:58,167
What the hell?
270
00:15:58,333 --> 00:15:59,626
MARTY:
I can't seem to...
271
00:15:59,793 --> 00:16:01,628
- Push the door.
MITCH: Yeah, you gonna push.
272
00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:04,423
Push it? Push it real good?
273
00:16:04,882 --> 00:16:07,968
- Not good with doors. Heh.
- No.
274
00:16:08,135 --> 00:16:10,387
- It's called a door.
- Ha, ha.
275
00:16:10,596 --> 00:16:12,264
Breaking news out of North Carolina.
276
00:16:12,431 --> 00:16:13,974
Democratic incumbent Cam Brady...
277
00:16:14,141 --> 00:16:17,144
getting a run for his money
by newcomer Marty Huggins.
278
00:16:17,311 --> 00:16:20,397
Early rumors have billionaire
industrialists the Motch brothers...
279
00:16:20,564 --> 00:16:22,649
...financing a PAC supporting Huggins.
280
00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:27,404
And with a thin majority in the House,
this race could be hugely important.
281
00:16:28,238 --> 00:16:31,366
You know, baby, I've been thinking.
I don't like this.
282
00:16:31,533 --> 00:16:35,329
Why does a Marty Huggins
come out of nowhere and decide to run?
283
00:16:35,496 --> 00:16:38,832
Baby, I'm a thoroughbred.
I'm gonna smoke that clown.
284
00:16:38,999 --> 00:16:43,212
Kids, put your headphones in.
About to use TV mature words.
285
00:16:43,378 --> 00:16:45,797
You know I love it
when you get all bitchy and wild.
286
00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:50,344
You listen to me,
you dick dragging around a body.
287
00:16:50,511 --> 00:16:53,430
Marty Huggins' daddy is Raymond Huggins.
288
00:16:53,597 --> 00:16:55,724
He was Jesse Helms' campaign manager
for six terms.
289
00:16:55,891 --> 00:16:58,477
- Mm-hm.
- He's got fucking juice. What have you got?
290
00:16:58,644 --> 00:17:01,980
A mistress with a GED and a 9-year-old son.
291
00:17:02,564 --> 00:17:03,857
She's got a kid?
292
00:17:05,234 --> 00:17:07,819
(THREE 6 MAFIA'S "AZZ & TITTIEZ"
PLAYING ON HEADPHONES)
293
00:17:07,986 --> 00:17:10,364
Ass and titties, ass and titties
And big booty bitches
294
00:17:10,531 --> 00:17:12,866
(INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE)
295
00:17:13,075 --> 00:17:15,244
Ass and titties, ass and titties
Ass and titties
296
00:17:15,452 --> 00:17:18,080
Last election,
Newsweek mentioned you as a possible VP.
297
00:17:18,247 --> 00:17:20,707
- I want that VP nod, Cam.
CAM: Okay.
298
00:17:20,874 --> 00:17:25,170
I wanna be second lady.
And what are you doing to make that happen?
299
00:17:25,337 --> 00:17:30,008
You're grinding your hairy crescent roll against
any piece of ass that flashes you a smile.
300
00:17:30,175 --> 00:17:32,511
None of that was my fault. I was powerless.
301
00:17:32,678 --> 00:17:38,225
I was plied with copious amounts
of Red Bull, Jell-O shots...
302
00:17:38,392 --> 00:17:39,601
...and Goldschläger.
303
00:17:39,768 --> 00:17:42,479
Remember Dr. Jenkins,
he thought I had Crohn's disease.
304
00:17:42,646 --> 00:17:45,607
There were flakes of 24-karat gold
in my stool for about a month.
305
00:17:45,774 --> 00:17:47,025
(SCOFFS)
306
00:17:47,234 --> 00:17:50,362
I crapped gold.
307
00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:53,574
MARTY:
Was the nicest thing.
308
00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:56,076
- Just got a call from, uh, Cam Brady...
- Oh.
309
00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:59,913
...saying that, uh, he invited me
to something called a civility brunch.
310
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:01,123
MITZI
Oh.
311
00:18:01,290 --> 00:18:04,126
Which I think is just a chance for us
to share a meal together...
312
00:18:04,293 --> 00:18:06,461
...and talk about the campaign
and its issues...
313
00:18:06,628 --> 00:18:09,381
...and make sure
that everything's gonna be civil, you know?
314
00:18:09,548 --> 00:18:13,510
That's a lovely idea, Marty.
We're all so proud of you.
315
00:18:13,927 --> 00:18:17,848
I knew one day
your dad would realize your true potential.
316
00:18:18,015 --> 00:18:22,102
Um, boys, put down your utensils. I wanna
talk to you about something real quick.
317
00:18:23,562 --> 00:18:25,564
I wanted to take this time...
318
00:18:25,731 --> 00:18:29,693
...to say that we're gonna be under
a lot of media scrutiny.
319
00:18:30,152 --> 00:18:33,822
So if there's anything
that you wanna talk about...
320
00:18:33,989 --> 00:18:36,158
...any kind of secrets...
321
00:18:36,325 --> 00:18:38,994
...or stories or fibs...
322
00:18:40,078 --> 00:18:42,873
...now's the time to put
it on the table, okay?
323
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:45,959
And if you tell me,
if you tell me and your mom...
324
00:18:46,126 --> 00:18:47,336
...we're not gonna be mad.
325
00:18:47,502 --> 00:18:49,379
(SIGHS)
326
00:18:50,088 --> 00:18:53,091
I said the Lord's name in vain at school.
327
00:18:54,426 --> 00:18:56,178
Mm-hm.
328
00:19:01,516 --> 00:19:04,645
Well, I said I wasn't gonna get angry,
and I'm not angry.
329
00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:05,979
Okay. Good.
330
00:19:06,146 --> 00:19:11,109
I went to the petting zoo
and I let the goat lick my penis.
331
00:19:13,862 --> 00:19:15,238
What? What...?
332
00:19:17,574 --> 00:19:19,242
- Now, that I have a...
MITZI: Now, honey.
333
00:19:19,951 --> 00:19:22,079
Now, you promised
you wouldn't get mad, okay?
334
00:19:22,245 --> 00:19:24,414
They're just... They're being honest.
335
00:19:25,332 --> 00:19:28,168
Okay. Maybe that's... Hopefully, that's it.
336
00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:31,797
I had a beer with the old biker man
at the end of the street...
337
00:19:31,963 --> 00:19:34,466
...and he let me touch
his old lady's titty.
338
00:19:34,633 --> 00:19:38,095
- Oh, God.
- Ugh. "Breast."
339
00:19:38,261 --> 00:19:42,683
I go to the mall and hide in a stairwell
and take photos up women's skirts.
340
00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:46,520
I have a whole book of cooter shots
under my bed.
341
00:19:49,523 --> 00:19:52,025
One time I put a firefly in my butthole.
342
00:19:52,192 --> 00:19:55,821
- Why?
- To make my farts glow.
343
00:19:55,987 --> 00:19:57,614
Oh, God.
344
00:19:57,781 --> 00:20:04,079
I shaved the dog and glued the hair
to my nut sac so I'd look like a grown man.
345
00:20:04,746 --> 00:20:06,206
Oh, God.
346
00:20:07,207 --> 00:20:09,918
I touch myself to Drew Carey
on The Price Is Right.
347
00:20:10,085 --> 00:20:11,086
God.
348
00:20:11,420 --> 00:20:13,130
Okay, that's enough. Stop, please.
349
00:20:15,132 --> 00:20:17,634
CAM: I wanna thank you all
for coming here today.
350
00:20:17,801 --> 00:20:22,556
Events like this give us an opportunity
to show Washington, D.C...
351
00:20:22,723 --> 00:20:26,685
...that we're not gonna stand for the
mudslinging that's tearing this country apart.
352
00:20:26,852 --> 00:20:28,019
Support our troops.
353
00:20:28,186 --> 00:20:29,896
- Yes.
- Yeah.
354
00:20:31,398 --> 00:20:34,234
And with that, I would like to, uh,
take this time...
355
00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:38,739
...to introduce my opponent and, uh,
my friend, Marty Huggins.
356
00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:40,323
Marty?
357
00:20:44,035 --> 00:20:45,078
Thank you so much.
358
00:20:45,245 --> 00:20:49,166
Thank you, uh, Cam. Thank you, uh...
Thank you everybody.
359
00:20:50,333 --> 00:20:54,421
Well, I'm a little nervous. Heh.
I'll be honest with you. Um...
360
00:20:55,255 --> 00:20:57,758
My dad always told me two things
about giving speeches.
361
00:20:57,924 --> 00:21:01,178
One, never say anything bad
about the Jews...
362
00:21:01,344 --> 00:21:04,514
...and two, tell an interesting story.
363
00:21:04,681 --> 00:21:05,766
I have two pugs.
364
00:21:05,932 --> 00:21:09,102
One's named Poundcake
and one's named Muffins.
365
00:21:09,269 --> 00:21:10,687
Good Lord.
366
00:21:10,854 --> 00:21:14,399
Anyway, Poundcake loves
to get underneath the sofa.
367
00:21:14,566 --> 00:21:15,984
And I know exactly why.
368
00:21:16,151 --> 00:21:18,904
Because my wife leaves Milky Ways
underneath the sofa...
369
00:21:19,070 --> 00:21:20,530
...with Hamburger Helper on it.
370
00:21:20,697 --> 00:21:24,618
And Muffins is always yapping at him,
like, "Don't go underneath the sofa."
371
00:21:24,785 --> 00:21:25,952
And Poundcake barks back:
372
00:21:26,119 --> 00:21:28,580
"I am under the sofa,
and I'm having a good time."
373
00:21:28,997 --> 00:21:30,624
And they look at me like, "What?"
374
00:21:30,791 --> 00:21:33,376
The other one's looking at the other one,
going, "What?"
375
00:21:33,543 --> 00:21:35,712
Then I walk in like,
"What are y'all two doing?"
376
00:21:35,879 --> 00:21:37,631
But every day, it's the same thing.
377
00:21:37,798 --> 00:21:41,426
Just barking about one of them
being underneath the sofa.
378
00:21:43,261 --> 00:21:46,056
- That's... And that's my story.
- All right.
379
00:21:46,223 --> 00:21:48,517
(AUDIENCE MURMURING
THEN APPLAUDING)
380
00:21:48,683 --> 00:21:50,644
Thank you very much.
381
00:21:51,853 --> 00:21:52,896
CAM:
Thank you, Marty.
382
00:21:53,563 --> 00:21:54,940
Have a seat.
383
00:21:55,106 --> 00:21:58,151
I am sorry. Where are my manners?
I forgot Marty's bio.
384
00:21:58,318 --> 00:21:59,569
Didn't know I had a bio.
385
00:21:59,736 --> 00:22:01,738
CAM: Mitch, if you'd go
ahead and kill the lights.
386
00:22:01,905 --> 00:22:04,032
If we could draw those curtains, thank you.
387
00:22:04,533 --> 00:22:05,867
Little presentation.
388
00:22:06,326 --> 00:22:10,205
Today we are here
to meet Martin Sylvester Huggins...
389
00:22:10,372 --> 00:22:12,541
...who was born right here in 1972.
390
00:22:12,707 --> 00:22:16,753
As a boy, Marty attended camp
for weight loss and emotional stability.
391
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:17,963
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
392
00:22:18,129 --> 00:22:23,218
In high school, he was part of an
all-male a cappella group, Dude Ranch.
393
00:22:23,385 --> 00:22:25,303
At 25, he met the love of his life.
394
00:22:25,470 --> 00:22:28,932
She proposed to him six times
before he said yes.
395
00:22:29,099 --> 00:22:30,642
Together, they have two boys...
396
00:22:30,809 --> 00:22:34,354
...and two pugs,
which, keep in mind, are Chinese.
397
00:22:34,521 --> 00:22:36,064
They're Chinese dogs.
398
00:22:36,231 --> 00:22:37,983
(LAUGHING)
399
00:22:38,149 --> 00:22:40,902
And currently Marty Huggins
works out at Curves...
400
00:22:41,444 --> 00:22:44,406
...which is a workout facility
for plus-size women.
401
00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:50,704
Anyway, don't you find that interesting
to learn about Marty Huggins?
402
00:22:50,871 --> 00:22:52,789
That's my opponent, Marty Huggins.
403
00:22:54,374 --> 00:22:57,419
Eat up, everyone. Enjoy.
404
00:23:00,714 --> 00:23:03,216
Welcome to the fucking show.
405
00:23:07,304 --> 00:23:08,680
(SNIFFLES)
406
00:23:13,768 --> 00:23:16,897
Okay, Marty, you're not gonna cry.
407
00:23:17,063 --> 00:23:18,106
(GASPS)
408
00:23:18,273 --> 00:23:21,192
Hey. Get some American dogs, you Commie!
409
00:23:22,986 --> 00:23:24,404
- They're not Communist dogs.
- Drive.
410
00:23:24,571 --> 00:23:25,906
(SHRIEKS)
411
00:23:26,072 --> 00:23:28,909
Move the car. Stab and steer. Let's go.
412
00:23:29,117 --> 00:23:31,286
- Who are you?
- Tim Wattley.
413
00:23:31,453 --> 00:23:34,456
Motch brothers sent me.
I'm your campaign manager.
414
00:23:34,623 --> 00:23:37,250
I'm here to make you not suck.
415
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:41,421
Now put this shit bucket in gear.
416
00:23:51,348 --> 00:23:55,852
- What's this all about, Mr. Wattley?
- Your life as you know it is over.
417
00:23:56,019 --> 00:23:58,939
Your campaign headquarters
are being furnished and staffed...
418
00:23:59,105 --> 00:24:02,943
...and the Motch brothers have put $1 million
into your political action committee.
419
00:24:03,109 --> 00:24:05,779
But these are my things.
I mean, this is my doily collection.
420
00:24:06,738 --> 00:24:10,075
- And that's my sign.
TIM: From now on, you don't own pugs.
421
00:24:10,241 --> 00:24:13,161
You own a chocolate Lab and a
golden retriever, two highest-polling dogs.
422
00:24:13,328 --> 00:24:15,914
One of them will be named Sergeant,
the other Scout.
423
00:24:16,081 --> 00:24:18,833
They will wear bandanas.
424
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:20,043
Sit.
425
00:24:21,378 --> 00:24:22,420
What about my pugs?
426
00:24:22,587 --> 00:24:25,256
- Have them put down humanely.
MAN: Coming through.
427
00:24:25,423 --> 00:24:26,967
MITZI:
No. That cannot stay there.
428
00:24:27,133 --> 00:24:30,804
You wanna put a live deer in the backyard,
fine, but I don't want dead things...
429
00:24:30,971 --> 00:24:33,306
No. You cannot have guns in here.
Are you crazy?
430
00:24:33,473 --> 00:24:37,018
Dylan is prone to intense
bouts of violence.
431
00:24:37,185 --> 00:24:40,939
Marty. Marty, they just let themselves in.
I tried to stop them.
432
00:24:41,106 --> 00:24:43,650
They want me to cut my hair
like Katie Couric.
433
00:24:43,817 --> 00:24:45,527
I want a Bible on this end table...
434
00:24:45,694 --> 00:24:49,322
...and an oil painting of an eagle
over this fireplace, stat.
435
00:24:50,031 --> 00:24:53,785
- I want Lee Greenwood playing 24/7.
- Mitzi, they're just trying to help us win.
436
00:24:53,952 --> 00:24:56,788
- Tim, where you going?
MITZI: No, no, no.
437
00:24:56,955 --> 00:24:58,540
You do not take down my family.
438
00:24:58,707 --> 00:25:01,835
Mr. Wattley, what are you doing?
That's my wardrobe.
439
00:25:02,002 --> 00:25:03,378
Not any more, it's not.
440
00:25:03,545 --> 00:25:06,965
From now on,
you wear Men's Wearhouse for formal...
441
00:25:07,132 --> 00:25:09,342
...and the Greg Norman sport collection
for cazh.
442
00:25:09,509 --> 00:25:12,512
And for God's sakes,
put those beds together.
443
00:25:12,679 --> 00:25:14,597
No. No.
444
00:25:19,853 --> 00:25:22,272
These kids need some real help.
445
00:25:22,439 --> 00:25:24,816
Either one of you throw a football?
446
00:25:25,567 --> 00:25:27,986
Goddamn it,
what have you been doing with these boys?
447
00:25:28,153 --> 00:25:30,238
MITZI: They're homeschooled.
- They're good eaters.
448
00:25:30,447 --> 00:25:31,531
We have 49 days...
449
00:25:31,698 --> 00:25:35,618
...before this district of 700,000 people
decides if they like you or not.
450
00:25:35,785 --> 00:25:38,705
Right now, your likability
is at 26 percent.
451
00:25:38,872 --> 00:25:42,792
The focus group words
that come up about you are "odd"...
452
00:25:42,959 --> 00:25:45,545
..."clammy," "probably Serbian."
453
00:25:45,712 --> 00:25:48,506
- That's an old one.
- "He looks like the Travelocity gnome."
454
00:25:48,673 --> 00:25:49,716
What?
455
00:25:49,883 --> 00:25:54,137
If you really wanna help this district, the
first thing you have to do, Marty, is win.
456
00:25:54,304 --> 00:25:58,892
I do wanna help the district. I love my home.
It's just all happening so fast.
457
00:25:59,059 --> 00:26:03,688
Listen, I think Cam Brady can be beaten.
But I don't believe you believe that.
458
00:26:03,855 --> 00:26:05,065
You know what?
459
00:26:05,231 --> 00:26:09,152
I'm just gonna call your dad and tell
him you don't have the rocks for this.
460
00:26:09,319 --> 00:26:10,779
Hey.
461
00:26:11,321 --> 00:26:13,031
You put your phone away, Mr. Wattley.
462
00:26:13,198 --> 00:26:17,327
This might be hard for you to believe,
but this dog has a ton of fight in him.
463
00:26:17,494 --> 00:26:18,536
A ton of fight.
464
00:26:18,703 --> 00:26:23,291
And when I get a scent, I hunt, brother.
I hunt all day long.
465
00:26:23,458 --> 00:26:25,919
So don't you ever insinuate anything
like that again.
466
00:26:32,300 --> 00:26:33,843
Call me Tim.
467
00:26:34,010 --> 00:26:36,554
Complete makeover, head to toe.
468
00:26:36,721 --> 00:26:40,391
No, no, no, not the pink one.
Let me have a black one.
469
00:26:40,558 --> 00:26:43,269
It looks like that Precious girl's panties.
470
00:26:43,436 --> 00:26:46,523
Younger, stronger, smarter.
471
00:26:48,525 --> 00:26:49,818
Hit him again.
472
00:26:49,984 --> 00:26:53,238
Oh! Don't do that, it tickles, okay?
473
00:26:56,407 --> 00:26:59,160
Why don't you clean this crap up off the beach?
Keep the change.
474
00:26:59,327 --> 00:27:02,497
Why don't you clean this crap up off the beach?
Keep the change.
475
00:27:02,664 --> 00:27:05,291
Like Burt. Goddamn it.
476
00:27:05,458 --> 00:27:07,293
Why don't you clean this crap up
off the beach?
477
00:27:07,460 --> 00:27:09,921
TIM: Again.
- Why don't you clean this crap up off the beach?
478
00:27:10,463 --> 00:27:12,715
- Get rid of this.
- That's where I keep my things.
479
00:27:12,882 --> 00:27:15,301
No, up. I need you up, like this.
See the difference?
480
00:27:15,468 --> 00:27:17,637
- Yeah.
- Here. Watch me. Up. Up.
481
00:27:17,804 --> 00:27:20,932
Swag. There you go. Like a man.
482
00:27:32,819 --> 00:27:34,070
Right, Mitch.
483
00:27:34,237 --> 00:27:37,365
No, I'm out campaigning right now. Mm-hm.
484
00:27:37,532 --> 00:27:40,702
I'm not taking this thing too lightly.
Heh, give me a break.
485
00:27:40,869 --> 00:27:42,370
You know me better than that.
486
00:27:42,537 --> 00:27:47,500
No, I'm meet... I'm literally meeting people.
Hold on, I gotta shake this guy's hand.
487
00:27:50,795 --> 00:27:52,922
Nice to meet you too, sir.
488
00:27:53,089 --> 00:27:54,340
Okay, I'm back.
489
00:27:56,926 --> 00:27:59,721
Sassy salesman sold me Sicilian sausages.
490
00:27:59,888 --> 00:28:02,599
Keep it simple
and direct questions to the talking points.
491
00:28:02,807 --> 00:28:06,144
- My boy Spanx are too tight.
- They're supposed to be. Now suck in.
492
00:28:06,311 --> 00:28:09,272
When you meet Cam at center stage,
shake hands but don't let go.
493
00:28:09,439 --> 00:28:13,359
Pull him close, maintain a smile,
and then lay some trash talk on him.
494
00:28:13,526 --> 00:28:14,694
- Yeah.
- Set the tone.
495
00:28:14,861 --> 00:28:15,987
Right.
496
00:28:16,154 --> 00:28:19,991
- You jacked?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm jacked, yeah.
497
00:28:21,743 --> 00:28:24,996
- Now you're jacked.
- Now I'm jacked. Okay.
498
00:28:33,546 --> 00:28:38,968
Must be hard running for Miss America
and teaching high school at the same time.
499
00:28:39,135 --> 00:28:41,262
Right. Uh, congressman, I'm married.
500
00:28:41,429 --> 00:28:42,722
- I'm married too.
- Good.
501
00:28:42,889 --> 00:28:45,725
- Looks like we got a common denominator.
- Oh.
502
00:28:45,892 --> 00:28:47,810
- It's a math joke.
- Mm-hm.
503
00:28:47,977 --> 00:28:49,437
- Excuse me, darling.
- It's good.
504
00:28:49,604 --> 00:28:51,314
- Mind if I talk to my man here?
- Sure.
505
00:28:51,481 --> 00:28:54,025
- I appreciate it. Thank you.
- She's very nice.
506
00:28:54,192 --> 00:28:56,527
MITCH: I just found out some interesting news.
- Mm-hm.
507
00:28:56,694 --> 00:29:00,740
The Motch brothers put a million bucks in
Marty Huggins' political action committee.
508
00:29:00,907 --> 00:29:03,076
Marty Huggins
has a political action committee?
509
00:29:03,243 --> 00:29:05,328
MITCH:
Evidently. Yeah, it's called HugPAC.
510
00:29:05,495 --> 00:29:06,829
And I saw him on the way in.
511
00:29:06,996 --> 00:29:09,958
They got him in a hundred-dollar suit
and gave him a $5 haircut.
512
00:29:10,124 --> 00:29:12,126
Looks like they just pissed away
a million dollars.
513
00:29:12,293 --> 00:29:13,336
MITCH:
Mm-hm.
514
00:29:13,503 --> 00:29:15,880
- How's my hair?
- Strong.
515
00:29:16,047 --> 00:29:17,799
Too strong.
516
00:29:18,007 --> 00:29:21,177
Good evening, everyone.
Please welcome candidate Marty Huggins...
517
00:29:21,344 --> 00:29:23,263
...and Congressman Cam Brady.
518
00:29:23,429 --> 00:29:25,181
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
519
00:29:27,141 --> 00:29:29,227
Yeah, baby. Looking good, baby.
520
00:29:31,813 --> 00:29:33,356
- Good to see you.
- How you doing?
521
00:29:34,190 --> 00:29:37,568
Hate to break it to you, friend,
but your balloon's getting ready to pop.
522
00:29:37,735 --> 00:29:40,196
And that balloon's full
of your own butt toots.
523
00:29:40,363 --> 00:29:42,240
(WHISPERING)
Are you trying to trash-talk me?
524
00:29:42,782 --> 00:29:46,077
Might wanna decide whether you're
gonna buy toilet paper or aftershave.
525
00:29:46,244 --> 00:29:48,705
- Because your face is like a butt.
- Oh, my God.
526
00:29:48,871 --> 00:29:51,958
- You don't know how to trash-talk, do you?
(WHISPERING) I do know how to.
527
00:29:52,125 --> 00:29:54,836
- Let me give you some trash talk, okay?
- Mm-hm.
528
00:29:55,003 --> 00:29:58,423
You know what the difference between
your mama and a washing machine is?
529
00:29:58,589 --> 00:30:00,341
When I dump a load in a machine...
530
00:30:00,508 --> 00:30:02,969
...machine doesn't follow me around
for three weeks.
531
00:30:03,511 --> 00:30:04,554
Now you go.
532
00:30:07,557 --> 00:30:10,393
You should take a bath in a toilet.
I just wanna do the debate.
533
00:30:10,560 --> 00:30:11,769
No. Now I go.
534
00:30:11,936 --> 00:30:14,188
You're such a little turd...
535
00:30:14,355 --> 00:30:17,525
...that when you sit in sand,
cats try to bury you.
536
00:30:17,692 --> 00:30:19,319
You have a very vulgar mouth.
537
00:30:19,485 --> 00:30:23,197
- Please let go of my hand.
- I want you to reach down and touch my nuts.
538
00:30:23,364 --> 00:30:25,408
MARTY: Stop.
- That's what nuts feel like. Touch it.
539
00:30:25,575 --> 00:30:27,869
MARTY: I don't want to.
- Let me see if you got any.
540
00:30:28,036 --> 00:30:30,204
Sirs. Sirs, we'd love to get started.
541
00:30:30,371 --> 00:30:31,456
(AUDIENCE MURMURING)
542
00:30:31,622 --> 00:30:33,041
- I'd love to start.
- Me too.
543
00:30:35,918 --> 00:30:37,712
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
544
00:30:42,633 --> 00:30:44,302
- Tim.
- Get him something to stand on.
545
00:30:44,469 --> 00:30:46,262
(CHUCKLING)
546
00:30:46,637 --> 00:30:47,680
Thank you.
547
00:30:47,847 --> 00:30:50,308
MODERATOR: Our first question
will go to the incumbent.
548
00:30:50,475 --> 00:30:53,186
How would you bring jobs back
to the 14th district?
549
00:30:53,353 --> 00:30:56,356
That's a great question, Carl.
Thank you for asking it.
550
00:30:56,522 --> 00:31:00,193
It's the first thing I think of
when I wake up in the morning...
551
00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:03,363
...and it's the last thing I think of
when I go to bed.
552
00:31:03,529 --> 00:31:08,117
Jobs in North Carolina mean what?
A strong North Carolina.
553
00:31:08,284 --> 00:31:12,246
And a strong North Carolina
means a strong America.
554
00:31:12,413 --> 00:31:14,832
And that, my friends,
is how we're gonna do it.
555
00:31:14,999 --> 00:31:18,169
WOMAN: All right.
ROSE: It's how we do, baby.
556
00:31:18,336 --> 00:31:20,213
- Yeah.
- It's how we do.
557
00:31:20,755 --> 00:31:22,048
MAN:
You've got my vote, Cam.
558
00:31:24,175 --> 00:31:26,928
Mr. Huggins,
you have one minute for a rebuttal.
559
00:31:27,095 --> 00:31:28,596
Just like we rehearsed.
560
00:31:28,763 --> 00:31:32,266
Cam Brady just gave you
the old D.C. Dip and Twirl.
561
00:31:32,433 --> 00:31:34,185
Just danced around the question.
562
00:31:34,811 --> 00:31:38,940
Well, I'm here to tell you, North Carolina,
that when it comes to jobs for my district...
563
00:31:39,107 --> 00:31:41,192
...Martin Huggins doesn't dance.
564
00:31:41,359 --> 00:31:45,279
He rolls up his sleeves,
puts his sandwich in his lunch pail...
565
00:31:45,446 --> 00:31:48,074
...and brings jobs to the Tar Heel State.
566
00:31:48,241 --> 00:31:49,867
'Yes!
'Yes!
567
00:31:50,034 --> 00:31:51,369
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
568
00:31:54,539 --> 00:31:55,832
What the hell?
569
00:31:58,501 --> 00:32:01,254
Let's bring back corporations
to North Carolina.
570
00:32:01,421 --> 00:32:03,381
Let's clean up D.C.
571
00:32:03,548 --> 00:32:07,593
And bring your brooms, because it's a mess.
572
00:32:18,062 --> 00:32:22,233
There was a clear winner in the first debate.
Marty Huggins simply electrified this crowd.
573
00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:25,236
Two hours ago, this congressional
race was dead on arrival.
574
00:32:25,403 --> 00:32:28,865
TIM: That was real nice, Marty.
- I was jacked. I don't know what I was saying.
575
00:32:29,031 --> 00:32:31,659
- Doesn't matter. You killed it.
- Marty. Here he is.
576
00:32:31,826 --> 00:32:34,162
Rumpelscrotskin,
you been doing so good up there.
577
00:32:34,328 --> 00:32:35,621
Who did this to you?
578
00:32:35,788 --> 00:32:37,957
You could not have been doing this
on your own.
579
00:32:38,124 --> 00:32:40,293
Oh. I want you to meet Becky.
Becky, this is Marty.
580
00:32:40,460 --> 00:32:42,503
- Hey, Marty.
- Hey, Becky.
581
00:32:42,670 --> 00:32:43,880
BECKY:
Wow, you were great.
582
00:32:44,046 --> 00:32:46,757
- I thought you were married to Mindy.
- I am. This is Becky.
583
00:32:46,924 --> 00:32:49,427
Your brother said I could dance
in your campaign video.
584
00:32:49,594 --> 00:32:53,139
I have a lot of experience.
I worked for Jumbo's and Crazy Girls.
585
00:32:53,306 --> 00:32:55,433
- Fantastic.
- Well, well, well. Tim Wattley.
586
00:32:55,600 --> 00:32:59,729
- You really outdone yourself this time.
- Gentlemen. Very spirited debate.
587
00:32:59,896 --> 00:33:01,272
- Hey, Cam.
- Hey, Becky.
588
00:33:01,439 --> 00:33:02,482
Hey, Becky.
589
00:33:02,648 --> 00:33:05,359
Well, if you'll excuse us,
we've got some babies to kiss.
590
00:33:05,526 --> 00:33:06,903
MITCH:
Okay.
591
00:33:07,111 --> 00:33:09,071
It was like I was another person,
you know?
592
00:33:09,238 --> 00:33:12,033
I actually have a baby I need to kiss
right down there.
593
00:33:12,200 --> 00:33:16,287
TIM: What's the matter with him?
CAM: This is my district. That's my baby.
594
00:33:16,454 --> 00:33:19,248
- Excuse me.
- Excuse me, please.
595
00:33:20,249 --> 00:33:22,960
Oh. Oh, you don't take a swing at my hair.
596
00:33:26,422 --> 00:33:28,633
You little fucker.
597
00:33:42,355 --> 00:33:44,565
No!
598
00:33:49,570 --> 00:33:51,239
Oh, shit.
599
00:33:58,246 --> 00:34:02,708
Bizarre news coming out of the 14th district
congressional race in North Carolina.
600
00:34:02,875 --> 00:34:08,256
Now, get this: Cam Brady,
four-time congressman, punched a baby.
601
00:34:08,422 --> 00:34:11,842
This is likely to hurt him with the
Christian right, social conservatives.
602
00:34:12,009 --> 00:34:14,804
Really any group
that opposes baby-punching.
603
00:34:14,971 --> 00:34:17,223
Baby is fine, and he said he punches
like a 3-year-old.
604
00:34:17,390 --> 00:34:18,808
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
605
00:34:18,975 --> 00:34:21,018
After Cam Brady's baby-punching incident...
606
00:34:21,185 --> 00:34:24,522
...Marty Huggins has jumped 11 points
in the polls.
607
00:34:25,231 --> 00:34:28,985
That is totally taken out of context.
608
00:34:29,151 --> 00:34:31,445
Well, not really.
I mean, you punched that baby.
609
00:34:31,612 --> 00:34:33,531
CAM:
Is anyone asking how my hand feels...
610
00:34:33,698 --> 00:34:37,785
...after punching that iron-like jaw
of that baby?
611
00:34:37,952 --> 00:34:40,621
- How is your hand?
CAM: I can't even make a fist.
612
00:34:40,788 --> 00:34:43,624
I tell you right now, though,
I'm so angered by seeing that...
613
00:34:43,791 --> 00:34:46,294
...I wish I could go out
and punch that baby again.
614
00:34:46,460 --> 00:34:49,839
MITCH: We're getting killed. You're the
best campaign-ad guy in the business.
615
00:34:50,006 --> 00:34:53,259
I got something that's gonna help.
We tried to take a negative...
616
00:34:53,426 --> 00:34:57,471
...okay, your recent scandals, and show
the positive side of that negative.
617
00:34:58,139 --> 00:34:59,724
Take a look.
618
00:34:59,890 --> 00:35:02,018
NARRATOR (ON TV):
Cam Brady has come under fire...
619
00:35:02,184 --> 00:35:05,313
...for getting it on with this woman,
Shana St. Croix...
620
00:35:05,479 --> 00:35:09,567
...a former professional cheerleader
and part-time aerobics instructor...
621
00:35:09,734 --> 00:35:11,068
...who can do this.
622
00:35:11,235 --> 00:35:12,570
(SHANA MOANING)
623
00:35:12,737 --> 00:35:14,322
And this.
624
00:35:15,156 --> 00:35:17,074
- Yes, she can.
- Okay.
625
00:35:17,241 --> 00:35:19,535
NARRATOR:
Shouldn't our leaders be men we admire?
626
00:35:19,702 --> 00:35:23,706
We can go into all the great things
Cam's done as a congressman...
627
00:35:23,873 --> 00:35:26,584
...or we can just show some more
of this little honey.
628
00:35:26,792 --> 00:35:28,294
(CHUCKLES)
629
00:35:28,461 --> 00:35:30,004
Vote for Cam Brady...
630
00:35:30,171 --> 00:35:34,175
...a real American man.
631
00:35:34,800 --> 00:35:37,511
MITCH: I don't know. What do you think?
- Oh, I fucking love it.
632
00:35:38,721 --> 00:35:41,057
Shana's gonna love it too.
She looks so hot in it.
633
00:35:41,223 --> 00:35:42,266
Jesus, Cam.
634
00:35:42,433 --> 00:35:45,936
Well, let me tell you something.
This spot tested through the roof with men.
635
00:35:46,103 --> 00:35:48,022
CAM: I knew it.
- Now, here's the downside.
636
00:35:48,189 --> 00:35:49,523
Horrible numbers with women.
637
00:35:49,690 --> 00:35:51,108
MITCH: You don't say.
- Horrible?
638
00:35:51,275 --> 00:35:53,986
- Yeah, that's not a surprise to me.
- Worst we've ever seen.
639
00:35:54,153 --> 00:35:55,237
CAM: You're kidding me.
- No.
640
00:35:55,404 --> 00:35:59,408
- "Worst" as in...?
- In the history of numbers.
641
00:35:59,575 --> 00:36:00,910
Yeah, that's lower than I thought.
642
00:36:01,077 --> 00:36:05,414
Okay, now, this is a spot to raise some
important questions in the minds of voters.
643
00:36:05,581 --> 00:36:08,084
We're calling it "Homeland insecurity."
644
00:36:08,250 --> 00:36:09,627
CAM: Ha, ha.
RICK: Check it out.
645
00:36:09,794 --> 00:36:12,004
NARRATOR (ON TV):
Al-Qaeda. The Taliban.
646
00:36:12,171 --> 00:36:13,923
I hate those guys.
647
00:36:14,090 --> 00:36:17,093
NARRATOR: One thing unites all of them
in their blood pacts:
648
00:36:17,259 --> 00:36:18,844
facial hair.
649
00:36:19,011 --> 00:36:22,390
There's someone else, North Carolina,
that has facial hair:
650
00:36:22,556 --> 00:36:23,933
Marty Huggins.
651
00:36:24,100 --> 00:36:25,142
- Right.
RICK: Right?
652
00:36:25,309 --> 00:36:27,478
NARRATOR: Why doesn't Marty Huggins
answer the question?
653
00:36:27,645 --> 00:36:29,438
Is he a Taliban or an al Qaeda?
654
00:36:29,605 --> 00:36:30,690
Are you kidding me?
655
00:36:30,856 --> 00:36:33,526
NARRATOR: Why does Marty Huggins
refuse to take a lie-detector test?
656
00:36:33,693 --> 00:36:34,735
CAM:
Why won't he?
657
00:36:34,902 --> 00:36:37,363
NARRATOR: And where exactly
was Marty Huggins on 9/11?
658
00:36:37,530 --> 00:36:38,864
- Bingo.
RICK: Okay.
659
00:36:39,031 --> 00:36:41,992
There's just too many questions.
660
00:36:43,411 --> 00:36:45,913
Boy, that is solid too. Real solid.
661
00:36:46,080 --> 00:36:47,915
- Yes.
MITCH: Uh, Rick, let me ask you this.
662
00:36:48,082 --> 00:36:52,837
Has there been any sort of correlation
between Huggins and, heh, Islamic radicals?
663
00:36:53,003 --> 00:36:54,964
- I mean, at all?
- None that I know of.
664
00:36:55,131 --> 00:36:57,883
What... I think what Rick's trying
to illustrate with that...
665
00:36:58,050 --> 00:37:01,262
...is there's still a heck of a
lot of questions about this guy.
666
00:37:01,429 --> 00:37:03,514
- Spot on.
MITCH: How are we gonna pay for these?
667
00:37:03,681 --> 00:37:07,643
We're gonna run them both. Let's turn
the heat up on Mr. Marty Huggins.
668
00:37:07,810 --> 00:37:09,687
(LAUGHING)
669
00:37:09,854 --> 00:37:13,190
Gentlemen, we're really counting
on your support.
670
00:37:13,733 --> 00:37:19,196
The guys at Goldman Sachs are prepared
to donate $500,000 to your super PAC.
671
00:37:19,363 --> 00:37:22,408
Provided, of course,
you pick up the phone any time we call.
672
00:37:22,575 --> 00:37:23,993
That's not gonna be a problem.
673
00:37:24,160 --> 00:37:26,787
If you give us a million, hell,
I'll let you sleep with my wife.
674
00:37:26,954 --> 00:37:28,831
(CHUCKLING)
675
00:37:29,039 --> 00:37:33,669
- And for 1.5, I'll throw in my cousin.
- I don't know if you want her cousin.
676
00:37:33,836 --> 00:37:35,087
That might drive the price down.
677
00:37:35,254 --> 00:37:37,006
- No, she lost weight.
- Oh.
678
00:37:37,173 --> 00:37:40,134
Mrs. Brady, are you playing footsie
with me under the table?
679
00:37:40,301 --> 00:37:41,427
Nope, that's me.
680
00:37:41,594 --> 00:37:43,345
(ALL CHUCKLING)
681
00:37:43,512 --> 00:37:45,514
He's a switch-hitter.
682
00:37:45,723 --> 00:37:47,433
- Oh, no.
CAM: No, no.
683
00:37:47,600 --> 00:37:52,646
No. I did once. I did once, in college.
Yes. Which we've never talked about.
684
00:37:53,647 --> 00:37:56,025
It goes without saying,
this lunch never happened.
685
00:37:56,192 --> 00:37:58,068
(ALL LAUGHING)
686
00:38:00,529 --> 00:38:02,740
MAN 1:
This question is for the congressman.
687
00:38:02,907 --> 00:38:08,370
Why have you consistently voted
against campaign-finance reform?
688
00:38:08,537 --> 00:38:09,580
ALL:
Yeah.
689
00:38:09,747 --> 00:38:12,249
MAN 1: We all know big money
is running this country.
690
00:38:12,416 --> 00:38:14,710
MAN 2: That's right.
- Do they run you?
691
00:38:14,877 --> 00:38:16,754
ALL:
Yeah!
692
00:38:17,463 --> 00:38:18,506
CAM:
Hold on.
693
00:38:18,672 --> 00:38:23,135
Why don't we stop all the softball questions
and ask some real questions, okay?
694
00:38:23,302 --> 00:38:26,764
Like why won't Marty Huggins here
take a lie-detector test?
695
00:38:26,931 --> 00:38:28,766
- Yeah. Take the test.
JESSICA: Yeah.
696
00:38:28,933 --> 00:38:31,977
- Yeah.
- Is he an al Qaeda? Is he a Taliban?
697
00:38:32,144 --> 00:38:34,271
Congressman, please.
698
00:38:34,438 --> 00:38:37,566
I've seen a mustache like that before,
and you know who wore it?
699
00:38:37,733 --> 00:38:39,109
Saddam Hussein.
700
00:38:39,276 --> 00:38:43,948
And I believe we never caught two
of his sons, Uday and Falafel.
701
00:38:44,156 --> 00:38:45,658
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
702
00:38:45,825 --> 00:38:48,118
I am not beholden to
Cam Brady's accusations.
703
00:38:48,285 --> 00:38:49,787
I am beholden to only one man...
704
00:38:49,954 --> 00:38:52,665
...and that is the greatest American
that has ever lived:
705
00:38:52,832 --> 00:38:57,253
Jesus Christ.
Who happened to have a mustache.
706
00:38:57,419 --> 00:39:01,173
There you go, Marty. Amen, Marty.
Jesus loves you, Marty.
707
00:39:01,757 --> 00:39:03,551
Cam Brady, is it true...
708
00:39:03,717 --> 00:39:07,012
...that you have not been to church
in over nine months?
709
00:39:07,179 --> 00:39:10,558
MAN 3: Good question. CAM: First
of all, my relationship to God...
710
00:39:10,724 --> 00:39:13,811
...is not measured by taking attendance.
711
00:39:15,271 --> 00:39:16,313
MAN 4:
Hallelujah.
712
00:39:16,480 --> 00:39:20,568
Well, as a Christian, I guess that it would
be easy for you to recite the Lord's Prayer.
713
00:39:20,734 --> 00:39:24,113
Is that what we're resorting to here?
Gestapo tactics?
714
00:39:24,280 --> 00:39:25,531
MAN 5:
I would like to hear that.
715
00:39:25,698 --> 00:39:27,950
Would you like to hear him
say the Lord's Prayer?
716
00:39:29,535 --> 00:39:31,704
MAN 6: You heard the man.
- Fine, I'm happy to. Ahem.
717
00:39:31,871 --> 00:39:34,874
If the media wouldn't mind
turning off their recording devices...
718
00:39:35,040 --> 00:39:38,836
...and closing their eyes as well,
we can start with the Lord's Prayer.
719
00:39:39,003 --> 00:39:41,088
Our father...
720
00:39:41,964 --> 00:39:44,258
...Art, who is up in heaven...
721
00:39:44,425 --> 00:39:46,427
...aloe vera be thy name...
722
00:39:46,594 --> 00:39:48,470
(AUDIENCE MURMURING)
723
00:39:49,054 --> 00:39:50,389
(MOUTHS) Thy. Thy.
CAM: The thigh.
724
00:39:51,223 --> 00:39:53,142
Thy kingdom...
725
00:39:53,309 --> 00:39:55,644
Thy kingdom come.
726
00:39:56,228 --> 00:39:57,313
The magic kingdom.
727
00:39:57,479 --> 00:39:59,148
As it is on earth...
728
00:39:59,857 --> 00:40:01,525
...in a helicopter.
729
00:40:01,692 --> 00:40:04,069
Give us this day our daily...
730
00:40:04,737 --> 00:40:07,197
...pizza and let us digest it.
731
00:40:07,364 --> 00:40:09,491
Forgive us...
732
00:40:10,576 --> 00:40:12,077
Pass.
733
00:40:12,244 --> 00:40:17,583
Forgive our passes we commit sometimes
on womenfolk...
734
00:40:17,750 --> 00:40:22,129
...with their dresses that are too tight. Like,
that's a nice caboose you got on your...
735
00:40:22,296 --> 00:40:23,339
(AUDIENCE MURMURING)
736
00:40:23,505 --> 00:40:25,841
You know what?
That's not part of it, I know that.
737
00:40:26,550 --> 00:40:28,093
Keep your heads bowed, please.
738
00:40:28,260 --> 00:40:31,221
Forgive us for trespassing...
739
00:40:31,388 --> 00:40:33,807
...and do not lead us to the Temptations.
740
00:40:33,974 --> 00:40:36,894
Because we are tired of them
and their dancing.
741
00:40:37,394 --> 00:40:42,149
And deliver us from evil
with your mighty sword and falcon...
742
00:40:42,316 --> 00:40:44,026
...forever and ever and ever. Amen.
743
00:40:44,193 --> 00:40:46,028
ALL:
Amen.
744
00:40:46,445 --> 00:40:48,280
- That wasn't right.
MAN 7: He doesn't know it.
745
00:40:48,447 --> 00:40:51,033
- He does not know the Lord's Prayer.
- It's pretty close.
746
00:40:51,200 --> 00:40:52,576
I know the essence.
747
00:40:52,743 --> 00:40:57,915
I think we can all agree.
Cam Brady, he's a mess.
748
00:40:58,082 --> 00:41:01,627
All I know, if you say, "it's a mess,"
you don't support our troops.
749
00:41:01,794 --> 00:41:04,213
Cam Brady '012.
I was the last one to say something.
750
00:41:04,380 --> 00:41:05,422
Yeah, baby.
751
00:41:05,589 --> 00:41:10,469
AUDIENCE (CHANTING):
Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty!
752
00:41:10,803 --> 00:41:14,765
You want a holy war, little man?
You got one.
753
00:41:14,974 --> 00:41:18,268
(ALL SINGING GOSPEL MUSIO
754
00:41:18,435 --> 00:41:23,273
- Every day
- Every day would be Sunday
755
00:41:23,774 --> 00:41:26,235
Thank you for having me
at your congregation.
756
00:41:26,402 --> 00:41:31,490
First time I've worn a Yamaha. It fits nicely.
How do you say "it's a mess" in Hebrew?
757
00:41:31,657 --> 00:41:32,700
(SPEAKS IN HEBREW)
758
00:41:32,866 --> 00:41:33,909
Donkey Kong?
759
00:41:34,451 --> 00:41:36,453
(SNAKES HISSING)
760
00:41:36,662 --> 00:41:38,789
I have the faith in me.
761
00:41:38,956 --> 00:41:40,332
ALL: Hallelujah.
- Yeah. All right.
762
00:41:40,499 --> 00:41:43,085
Mitch, I could do this forever.
These snakes love me.
763
00:41:43,293 --> 00:41:44,878
(CAM YELLS)
764
00:41:45,421 --> 00:41:48,757
Goddamn it. Fucking son of a fuck.
765
00:41:48,924 --> 00:41:52,302
Oh, the fucking cunt-ass serpent bit me!
766
00:41:52,845 --> 00:41:58,267
Oh, jam a lit sparkler up my dickhole.
That is painful.
767
00:41:58,434 --> 00:42:02,146
Staple my tits to my balls
and then do sit-ups. It hurts.
768
00:42:02,312 --> 00:42:06,150
Sir, words like that
have never been spoken in this room.
769
00:42:06,316 --> 00:42:09,737
But the fucker bit me.
I'm sorry, the snake bit me.
770
00:42:09,903 --> 00:42:13,907
- Which means you don't have the faith of God.
- Yeah... Yes, I do.
771
00:42:14,074 --> 00:42:18,662
God has removed the venom from my blood
and the blasphemy from my heart.
772
00:42:19,121 --> 00:42:21,957
- It's a miracle.
- It's a miracle.
773
00:42:22,124 --> 00:42:24,251
ALL:
Hallelujah.
774
00:42:25,627 --> 00:42:29,882
- I can't feel anything. It's F'd up.
- Hey, you okay?
775
00:42:31,341 --> 00:42:34,136
Hey, Cam. Come on, we gotta go.
776
00:42:34,303 --> 00:42:37,848
I feel like I'm maintaining.
Am I maintaining, Mitch?
777
00:42:38,015 --> 00:42:42,102
- No, you're not. You look horrible. Come on.
- Let's get a couple of burritos.
778
00:42:42,311 --> 00:42:44,146
(ALL LAUGHING)
779
00:42:44,313 --> 00:42:45,355
(GROANS)
780
00:42:46,899 --> 00:42:48,734
(YELLING)
781
00:42:48,901 --> 00:42:50,444
(ALL GASP)
782
00:42:50,611 --> 00:42:51,653
Oh, my God.
783
00:42:51,820 --> 00:42:56,366
Cam. Cam! Where'd he go?
784
00:42:57,117 --> 00:42:59,244
- He has ascended.
- Cam!
785
00:42:59,411 --> 00:43:00,996
It's a miracle.
786
00:43:03,916 --> 00:43:07,586
I gotta cool down. I gotta cool down. Oh.
787
00:43:07,753 --> 00:43:11,465
Oh, the venom's coursing through my veins.
788
00:43:12,633 --> 00:43:14,259
Suck the venom out.
789
00:43:14,468 --> 00:43:18,013
Oh! The venom's giving me an erection.
790
00:43:19,139 --> 00:43:22,476
I need... I need roughage. I need roughage.
791
00:43:23,018 --> 00:43:24,853
(YELPS)
792
00:43:25,020 --> 00:43:26,897
(GRUNTING)
793
00:43:31,819 --> 00:43:33,320
(SCREECHES)
794
00:43:33,487 --> 00:43:35,489
(GROWLING)
795
00:43:38,659 --> 00:43:40,661
(CHUCKLING)
796
00:43:41,453 --> 00:43:42,496
Oh.
797
00:43:42,663 --> 00:43:47,459
Oh, I landed on Nazareth,
and I would like to buy a manger.
798
00:43:47,626 --> 00:43:49,044
(MENDENHALLS SCREAMING)
799
00:43:50,129 --> 00:43:51,505
(ALL SCREAMING)
800
00:44:01,098 --> 00:44:05,602
Cam Brady, have you not wrought enough evil
on this home?!
801
00:44:05,811 --> 00:44:07,229
(SCREAMING)
802
00:44:10,774 --> 00:44:12,317
Why?!
803
00:44:12,526 --> 00:44:14,194
(CAM MOANING)
804
00:44:14,361 --> 00:44:16,780
Don't worry, we're gonna get you home,
get you a couple Advil.
805
00:44:16,947 --> 00:44:18,115
You'll be right as rain, okay?
806
00:44:18,282 --> 00:44:21,118
Now, a poll conducted this afternoon
shows the congressman...
807
00:44:21,285 --> 00:44:24,079
...getting a two-point
bump from the incident.
808
00:44:24,246 --> 00:44:27,457
REPORTER: Why were you handling dangerous
snakes without a professional present?
809
00:44:27,624 --> 00:44:28,667
For the poops.
810
00:44:28,834 --> 00:44:30,377
Mitzi, look at this.
811
00:44:30,544 --> 00:44:33,046
Cam Brady got a two-point bump out of a...
812
00:44:33,213 --> 00:44:37,801
- I was watching that.
- No, Marty. We have to talk.
813
00:44:37,968 --> 00:44:40,804
You're never home,
and when you are, it's all politics.
814
00:44:40,971 --> 00:44:43,265
Gosh, I am so flustered.
815
00:44:43,432 --> 00:44:45,851
Everybody's got me
running every which way but loose.
816
00:44:46,018 --> 00:44:50,022
I just wanna get back to the basics.
I miss you.
817
00:44:51,023 --> 00:44:54,234
Let's just have one night like we used to.
818
00:44:54,401 --> 00:44:56,904
No Tim Wattley.
819
00:44:57,070 --> 00:44:58,947
Just the family.
820
00:44:59,114 --> 00:45:01,408
That sounds like a little slice of heaven.
821
00:45:09,583 --> 00:45:11,376
(LAUGHING)
822
00:45:18,383 --> 00:45:19,468
(MARTY SHRIEKS)
823
00:45:20,302 --> 00:45:22,304
(ALL LAUGHING)
824
00:45:27,643 --> 00:45:30,312
What the fuck is going on in here?
825
00:45:30,479 --> 00:45:34,274
You kids go upstairs,
wash your filthy faces, and get to bed.
826
00:45:34,441 --> 00:45:35,484
Hurry UP!
827
00:45:35,651 --> 00:45:37,819
Are you gonna let him
talk to our children that way?
828
00:45:37,986 --> 00:45:40,948
- Let me handle this.
- I know you're Marty's wife, but I swear...
829
00:45:41,114 --> 00:45:42,699
...get out before I lose my shit.
830
00:45:42,866 --> 00:45:44,451
- Marty.
- Now, Mr. Wattley.
831
00:45:44,618 --> 00:45:49,498
Marty, I need you kicking Cam's balls in
on a daily basis.
832
00:45:49,665 --> 00:45:54,336
And I come here and find you playing
Hee Haw with the fuck-around gang.
833
00:45:54,503 --> 00:45:58,632
- Oh, he's drunk. You're drunk.
TIM: Yeah, I'm a little lit. So what?
834
00:45:58,799 --> 00:46:02,719
You have an opportunity to win this thing.
835
00:46:04,680 --> 00:46:06,139
Do you really think so?
836
00:46:06,306 --> 00:46:10,269
You promised me this dog could hunt.
837
00:46:12,437 --> 00:46:14,481
Can you do that?
838
00:46:15,315 --> 00:46:17,150
Yes, I can, Mr. Wattley.
839
00:46:19,903 --> 00:46:21,321
That's my boy.
840
00:46:22,614 --> 00:46:26,368
I think I'm gonna take the children
and go stay at my mother's for the night.
841
00:46:26,535 --> 00:46:28,954
Mitzi, this will all be over
as soon as I win, okay?
842
00:46:29,121 --> 00:46:30,289
I promise.
843
00:46:30,455 --> 00:46:35,711
Just remember, Marty, what you're
giving up for what you're getting.
844
00:46:39,381 --> 00:46:41,341
(TIM CHUCKLES)
845
00:46:41,508 --> 00:46:43,093
TIM:
Come here.
846
00:46:43,719 --> 00:46:44,761
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
847
00:46:44,928 --> 00:46:45,971
Yeah?
848
00:46:47,639 --> 00:46:50,392
- Hey, Dad.
CAM: Hey, Camo, what's going on?
849
00:46:50,559 --> 00:46:53,895
Hey, uh, I just wanna let you know
that I'm running for class president.
850
00:46:54,354 --> 00:46:57,774
Good for you. Come on in, have a seat.
851
00:46:57,941 --> 00:47:01,278
So, uh, what are the issues you're gonna
run on? Figure that out yet?
852
00:47:01,445 --> 00:47:04,197
No, no, that's boring.
Nobody really cares about that.
853
00:47:05,282 --> 00:47:06,825
But I did spread a rumor...
854
00:47:06,992 --> 00:47:10,579
...that my opponent, Tommy Monahan,
may or may not have a vagina.
855
00:47:11,621 --> 00:47:14,666
- That could work, yeah.
- It will work.
856
00:47:14,833 --> 00:47:18,086
Win at all costs, right, Dad?
You taught me that.
857
00:47:18,253 --> 00:47:20,839
- Yeah, I guess I did.
- Learned from the best.
858
00:47:21,006 --> 00:47:22,716
(CHUCKLES)
859
00:47:22,924 --> 00:47:24,718
(HEART'S "THESE DREAMS"
PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)
860
00:47:24,885 --> 00:47:28,597
These dreams go on when I close my eyes
861
00:47:28,764 --> 00:47:30,390
Every sec...
862
00:47:34,436 --> 00:47:36,772
Cam Brady.
863
00:47:36,938 --> 00:47:39,107
What are you doing here?
It's 11:00 at night.
864
00:47:39,274 --> 00:47:42,527
I know. But, uh... But we need to talk.
865
00:47:45,447 --> 00:47:47,240
Are you wearing a hidden camera?
866
00:47:49,201 --> 00:47:53,413
- Tam...? Do I know Tamara?
- I said, are you wearing a hidden camera?
867
00:47:53,580 --> 00:47:56,291
Heh, heh. No.
868
00:47:57,209 --> 00:48:00,003
The black button looks
like it has a lens in it.
869
00:48:00,837 --> 00:48:02,381
Cut.
870
00:48:04,508 --> 00:48:08,178
Look, I came over here tonight...
871
00:48:09,805 --> 00:48:12,516
...and I just wanted you to know...
872
00:48:14,267 --> 00:48:16,978
...that I just think
things have gotten crazy.
873
00:48:18,188 --> 00:48:19,898
And...
874
00:48:21,274 --> 00:48:22,901
...I want it to stop.
875
00:48:23,068 --> 00:48:25,654
- Cam, do you think I'm an idiot?
- I do not.
876
00:48:25,821 --> 00:48:28,490
Okay, then take off that camera, please.
877
00:48:28,698 --> 00:48:33,203
I'm sorry, it's a habit of mine. I just... I'm
so used to wearing one of these things...
878
00:48:33,370 --> 00:48:36,873
...because I'm afraid someone's taping me,
so I tape them.
879
00:48:38,583 --> 00:48:40,210
Yeah, it's okay.
880
00:48:40,377 --> 00:48:42,838
- Where are my manners? Come on in.
- Thank you.
881
00:48:44,047 --> 00:48:45,841
CAM:
What is this we have here?
882
00:48:46,007 --> 00:48:50,971
It's a small-batch bourbon.
By-product of the prohibition days.
883
00:48:51,471 --> 00:48:55,308
Mm. Oh, wow. Thank you. That is smooth.
884
00:48:56,768 --> 00:48:58,728
- It's good.
- It's good, yeah.
885
00:49:01,523 --> 00:49:04,568
- Ah.
- Well...
886
00:49:05,610 --> 00:49:07,154
(PANTING)
887
00:49:07,654 --> 00:49:10,740
- Are they okay?
- What's that?
888
00:49:10,907 --> 00:49:12,242
Your Chinese dogs.
889
00:49:13,410 --> 00:49:17,247
Well, pugs were bred
with, uh, short snouts...
890
00:49:17,456 --> 00:49:21,168
- Mm.
- ...so they could lock in and take down lions.
891
00:49:21,793 --> 00:49:24,337
I find that hard to believe. Heh.
892
00:49:24,546 --> 00:49:27,215
You can Google it. It's worth a Google.
893
00:49:27,966 --> 00:49:33,180
Marty, I was thinking we could
make this campaign a little more civil...
894
00:49:33,346 --> 00:49:36,850
...if there were some way that you and I
could become friends.
895
00:49:37,017 --> 00:49:39,019
Well, I appreciate you saying that, Cam.
896
00:49:39,186 --> 00:49:43,732
The meanness and the nastiness
needs to stop.
897
00:49:44,357 --> 00:49:49,488
I mean, this race is for the people, isn't it?
It shouldn't be about us.
898
00:49:49,696 --> 00:49:51,364
(DOGS PANTING AND GRUNTING)
899
00:49:54,367 --> 00:49:56,786
Do your dogs ever go to a different room?
900
00:49:56,953 --> 00:49:59,956
- No, I like to have them nearby.
- Oh.
901
00:50:00,999 --> 00:50:04,085
You know when I first got into politics?
902
00:50:04,836 --> 00:50:06,755
The fifth grade. Heh.
903
00:50:06,922 --> 00:50:10,091
Out on the playground,
there was this jaggedy old jungle gym.
904
00:50:11,635 --> 00:50:15,263
Rusty, sharp edges.
We used to call it Jim the Ripper.
905
00:50:15,430 --> 00:50:18,016
It got me pretty good.
906
00:50:18,183 --> 00:50:21,394
Yeah, I remember that old jungle gym.
907
00:50:21,895 --> 00:50:23,563
Thank you.
908
00:50:24,314 --> 00:50:25,649
MARTY:
You're welcome.
909
00:50:25,815 --> 00:50:31,238
Well, in the fifth grade,
I ran for class president...
910
00:50:31,404 --> 00:50:32,864
...under one promise:
911
00:50:33,031 --> 00:50:37,202
to take down the jaggedy jungle gym.
912
00:50:37,869 --> 00:50:39,204
(CHEERING)
913
00:50:39,371 --> 00:50:40,580
And I won.
914
00:50:40,747 --> 00:50:43,124
Well, that's a heartwarming story, Cam.
915
00:50:48,213 --> 00:50:49,256
CAM:
Ah.
916
00:50:52,842 --> 00:50:54,678
Thank you.
917
00:50:54,844 --> 00:50:56,221
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
918
00:50:56,388 --> 00:50:58,181
We are...
919
00:50:58,348 --> 00:51:00,559
We are definitely going to Cancún.
920
00:51:01,851 --> 00:51:03,979
And you're not gonna pay for a thing.
921
00:51:04,145 --> 00:51:05,855
- Bye, Marty.
- Heh.
922
00:51:06,022 --> 00:51:08,191
- Hey, Cam?
- Yeah?
923
00:51:08,358 --> 00:51:11,152
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, you too.
924
00:51:11,319 --> 00:51:12,445
Oh, man. Whew.
925
00:51:12,612 --> 00:51:14,155
(HEART'S "THESE DREAMS"
RESUMES PLAYING)
926
00:51:14,322 --> 00:51:16,866
(ENGINE REVS AND TIRES SCREECH)
927
00:51:18,910 --> 00:51:21,037
You know what to do, Marty.
928
00:51:25,917 --> 00:51:27,252
WOMAN (OVER PHONE):
Hammond Police.
929
00:51:27,419 --> 00:51:30,463
Yes, I'd like to report
a drunk driver, please.
930
00:51:30,630 --> 00:51:35,969
(SINGING TO HEART'S "BARRACUDA")
He's going to D-D. C. to be VP
931
00:51:36,177 --> 00:51:37,220
Whoo!
932
00:51:37,387 --> 00:51:38,888
Barracuda
933
00:51:39,055 --> 00:51:41,558
(SIREN WAILING)
(CAM LAUGHING)
934
00:51:41,725 --> 00:51:45,061
Oh, fuck. Fuck me.
935
00:51:45,270 --> 00:51:47,439
(CHATTERING OVER POLICE RADIO)
936
00:51:53,194 --> 00:51:56,323
- In God we must. OFFICER: Sir,
please get out of the vehicle.
937
00:51:56,489 --> 00:51:58,283
You have a great night.
938
00:51:58,450 --> 00:51:59,784
- Sir?
- Huh?
939
00:51:59,951 --> 00:52:02,954
- Please get out of the vehicle.
- Get out of the... You know what? Absolutely.
940
00:52:03,121 --> 00:52:06,333
And thank you for doing your job.
I appreciate it.
941
00:52:06,499 --> 00:52:10,670
Also, thank you for releasing me
upon my own recognizance.
942
00:52:14,716 --> 00:52:16,051
Sir, have you been drinking?
943
00:52:16,217 --> 00:52:19,054
Yes, I have.
I've had five or six small-batch bourbons.
944
00:52:19,220 --> 00:52:21,890
That's a lot. I'm gonna have to ask you
to take a Breathalyzer test.
945
00:52:22,057 --> 00:52:23,183
CAM:
Mm-hm.
946
00:52:23,350 --> 00:52:26,686
We got a runner. Stop running!
947
00:52:27,729 --> 00:52:29,648
(CAM YELLS)
(THUDDING)
948
00:52:29,814 --> 00:52:33,735
CAM: Try to catch me, Ranger Rick.
- Stop!
949
00:52:34,903 --> 00:52:38,156
CAM:
Oh, yeah. Okay. Oh, yeah.
950
00:52:38,323 --> 00:52:39,449
Oh, whoo!
951
00:52:39,616 --> 00:52:41,534
- Chase.
- Stop the vehicle! Stop the vehicle!
952
00:52:41,701 --> 00:52:44,204
CAM: Look what I'm doing.
I handled this perfectly.
953
00:52:44,371 --> 00:52:45,413
(SIREN WAILING)
954
00:52:45,580 --> 00:52:48,958
CAM:
This car's so powerful. Oh, yeah.
955
00:52:49,125 --> 00:52:51,044
WOMAN (OVER RADIO):
What's your present location?
956
00:52:51,211 --> 00:52:55,423
CAM: Oh, wait, this is not my car.
Oh, man. This is not my car.
957
00:52:55,590 --> 00:52:58,218
I don't have a gun in my car.
958
00:52:58,385 --> 00:52:59,469
(CAM GRUNTS)
959
00:52:59,636 --> 00:53:03,515
Take the car back.
Okay, play it cool. Play it cool.
960
00:53:03,682 --> 00:53:07,977
He's not gonna notice. Uh-uh.
He's not gonna notice.
961
00:53:08,144 --> 00:53:11,481
Control my breathing.
I gotta control my breathing.
962
00:53:11,648 --> 00:53:13,900
Oh, no. Easy, slow.
963
00:53:14,067 --> 00:53:17,404
OFFICER: Stop the vehicle now!
- Officer, are you in need of assistance?
964
00:53:17,570 --> 00:53:19,114
- I'm back up.
- Stop the vehicle.
965
00:53:19,280 --> 00:53:21,324
CAM: I'm back up. I...
- Stop the vehicle now.
966
00:53:21,491 --> 00:53:22,534
CAM:
I see you.
967
00:53:22,701 --> 00:53:24,327
OFFICER: Stop the vehicle.
- No, I see you.
968
00:53:24,494 --> 00:53:27,414
OFFICER: Get out of the vehicle.
- Hey, here's the good news. I came back.
969
00:53:27,580 --> 00:53:30,709
Let's just talk about this. Oof. Hey.
970
00:53:33,169 --> 00:53:35,046
- He fucking set me up, Mitch.
MITCH: I know it.
971
00:53:35,213 --> 00:53:39,342
I mean, I showed one moment of weakness,
and then he struck like a cobra.
972
00:53:39,509 --> 00:53:43,596
MITCH: Absolutely. Hey, guys. How you doing?
- You were charged with drunk driving.
973
00:53:43,763 --> 00:53:45,390
Is it true you blew a 1.4?
974
00:53:45,557 --> 00:53:48,226
Let's also remember
that a responsible number of drinks...
975
00:53:48,393 --> 00:53:50,395
...makes your body looser in car accidents.
976
00:53:50,562 --> 00:53:54,107
- You actually suffer less injuries.
- Are you advocating drinking and driving?
977
00:53:54,274 --> 00:53:57,527
Thank you for your help.
You guys do real good work. God bless you.
978
00:53:57,694 --> 00:53:58,737
(GROANS)
979
00:53:58,903 --> 00:54:01,030
- Goodness gracious.
CAM: Oh, God.
980
00:54:01,197 --> 00:54:03,867
- I swear to God, I wanna run these people over.
MITCH: I don't blame you.
981
00:54:04,033 --> 00:54:05,243
(BEEPING)
982
00:54:05,410 --> 00:54:06,578
(ALARM BLARING)
983
00:54:06,745 --> 00:54:09,456
CAM:
Damn it. I am still way too drunk.
984
00:54:09,998 --> 00:54:12,041
CAM: We need to double up
our fundraising efforts.
985
00:54:12,208 --> 00:54:15,670
- If there's money out there, we get it.
- Right. That's what we're gonna do.
986
00:54:15,837 --> 00:54:18,173
Did you hear about this corporation
that came in...
987
00:54:18,339 --> 00:54:21,634
...and bought 50 foreclosed homes
in this district? What are you doing?
988
00:54:21,801 --> 00:54:25,013
All right. Anyway, they also bought
off a few closed-up factories.
989
00:54:25,180 --> 00:54:28,767
- You know anything about that?
- No, I've been trying to win an election.
990
00:54:28,933 --> 00:54:30,518
Hey, guys, I heard what happened.
991
00:54:30,685 --> 00:54:33,855
Listen, I wanna tell you,
we had nothing to do with that DUI.
992
00:54:34,022 --> 00:54:37,358
We don't run a negative campaign.
Need a ride?
993
00:54:37,567 --> 00:54:39,944
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
994
00:54:40,111 --> 00:54:44,240
- Come on. We're not gonna fall for that.
- Come on.
995
00:54:44,407 --> 00:54:47,994
- Jump in.
- Why would you offer us a ride?
996
00:54:48,161 --> 00:54:51,414
I'm trying to make it up to you.
I'm not who you think I am.
997
00:54:51,581 --> 00:54:54,876
- Get in the car and I'll give you a ride.
- Are you sure?
998
00:54:55,043 --> 00:55:00,757
I swear. I swear on my mother's grave.
Okay? Isn't that enough? Come on.
999
00:55:00,924 --> 00:55:04,761
- We're gonna fit in that tiny little thing?
CAM: Are you gonna make us pay for the gas?
1000
00:55:04,928 --> 00:55:07,889
You know what? My treat.
1001
00:55:09,641 --> 00:55:10,683
- Okay.
- All right.
1002
00:55:10,850 --> 00:55:12,227
- Okay.
- Thank you.
1003
00:55:12,393 --> 00:55:13,812
- This is very nice.
- Wonderful.
1004
00:55:13,978 --> 00:55:17,315
The man's not gonna swear
on his mother's grave and then drive off...
1005
00:55:19,484 --> 00:55:20,902
(HORN HONKS)
1006
00:55:21,069 --> 00:55:23,655
TIM:
My mother's still alive!
1007
00:55:23,822 --> 00:55:26,908
- What did he say?
- He said, "My mother is still alive."
1008
00:55:27,075 --> 00:55:28,743
- Oh, that's how you beat that.
- Yeah.
1009
00:55:28,910 --> 00:55:30,578
That's exactly how you beat it.
1010
00:55:40,964 --> 00:55:42,131
I'm an American.
1011
00:55:42,298 --> 00:55:43,550
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
1012
00:55:43,716 --> 00:55:47,595
And I believe in American ingenuity
and hard work.
1013
00:55:47,762 --> 00:55:49,556
Unlike my friend here, Cam Brady...
1014
00:55:49,722 --> 00:55:52,392
...who believes that everyone should live
in Rainbow Land.
1015
00:55:52,559 --> 00:55:53,935
(AUDIENCE BOOS)
1016
00:55:54,102 --> 00:55:57,605
Douglas, I'd like to say one thing.
I'm an American too.
1017
00:55:57,772 --> 00:56:02,360
And I have no idea what he's referring to
as Rainbow Land, okay?
1018
00:56:02,527 --> 00:56:05,780
I'm referring to a 13-page doctrine...
1019
00:56:05,947 --> 00:56:08,908
...written by Camden Brady...
1020
00:56:09,075 --> 00:56:10,660
...called Rainbow Land.
1021
00:56:10,827 --> 00:56:13,288
That's something I wrote
in the second grade.
1022
00:56:13,997 --> 00:56:17,375
I think anybody that writes
about the redistribution of wealth...
1023
00:56:17,542 --> 00:56:20,295
...sounds like a communist to me.
1024
00:56:20,837 --> 00:56:22,505
- Am I right?
- Hold on.
1025
00:56:22,672 --> 00:56:27,802
It is the simple story of a teddy bear
giving a pot of gold to a leprechaun, okay?
1026
00:56:27,969 --> 00:56:31,180
- That's right.
- May I read from Page 7?
1027
00:56:31,347 --> 00:56:32,807
WOMAN 1:
Don't listen to him, Cam.
1028
00:56:32,974 --> 00:56:35,852
"Please come with me to Rainbow Land...
1029
00:56:36,019 --> 00:56:39,772
...where unicorns are made of fudge
and cotton candy...
1030
00:56:39,939 --> 00:56:41,691
...and everything is free."
1031
00:56:41,858 --> 00:56:45,278
It's a fictitious place.
Rainbow Land, it's fiction.
1032
00:56:45,445 --> 00:56:48,114
I guess we're all idiots
according to Cam Brady.
1033
00:56:48,281 --> 00:56:52,327
- I didn't say that. I did not say that.
MAN 1: Hey! Hey!
1034
00:56:52,493 --> 00:56:55,288
I do not want to live in Rainbow Land...
1035
00:56:55,455 --> 00:56:58,833
...and you can't make me live
in Rainbow Land.
1036
00:56:59,000 --> 00:57:01,044
MAN 2: Yeah.
- This is America.
1037
00:57:01,210 --> 00:57:03,254
You do not have to live in Rainbow Land.
1038
00:57:03,421 --> 00:57:06,007
- You can go to Rainbow Land.
- It does not exist.
1039
00:57:06,174 --> 00:57:09,469
It's a fictitious place. I was 8.
It's from a child's imagination.
1040
00:57:09,636 --> 00:57:12,555
- It's right here in his communist manifesto.
WOMAN 2: Oh, come on.
1041
00:57:12,722 --> 00:57:15,725
- I won't go to Rainbow Land.
MAN 3: Sit down.
1042
00:57:15,892 --> 00:57:20,063
I said, sit the fuck down.
It doesn't exist.
1043
00:57:20,229 --> 00:57:22,649
Go back to where you're from, dick.
1044
00:57:22,815 --> 00:57:24,734
It's not a real place!
1045
00:57:24,901 --> 00:57:28,112
How many times do I gotta say it?
It's not real!
1046
00:57:29,197 --> 00:57:30,907
- What is he pointing at?
- Don't worry.
1047
00:57:31,074 --> 00:57:32,825
- Is he pointing at me?
- He sure the fuck is.
1048
00:57:32,992 --> 00:57:35,787
MARTY: Cam, you're a communist.
- He's talking shit about me again?
1049
00:57:35,954 --> 00:57:37,622
- You pointing at me?
- What?
1050
00:57:37,789 --> 00:57:39,624
- You pointing at me? You talking to me?
- Huh?
1051
00:57:39,791 --> 00:57:42,126
- Fucking dickhead!
- What are you doing? Cam, no.
1052
00:57:42,293 --> 00:57:44,170
CAM: What did you...?
MITCH: No. No!
1053
00:57:48,299 --> 00:57:49,592
No, no, no!
1054
00:57:52,387 --> 00:57:55,556
Your nickname in school was Tickle Shits.
I'm gonna see if it's true.
1055
00:57:55,723 --> 00:57:57,350
Don't you shit your pants, Marty.
1056
00:57:57,517 --> 00:57:58,935
- Don't! Ha, ha!
TIM: Go for his hair.
1057
00:57:59,102 --> 00:58:01,729
- You do not touch the hair.
- Don't you touch my hair.
1058
00:58:01,896 --> 00:58:04,357
- It's a $900 haircut.
MITCH: Don't talk about that, Cam.
1059
00:58:04,524 --> 00:58:06,609
I'm gonna kill you.
1060
00:58:16,452 --> 00:58:20,498
Remember the politician that punched a baby?
Well, he's at it again.
1061
00:58:20,665 --> 00:58:24,085
He punched Uggie, the dog from
the Academy Award-winning film The Artist.
1062
00:58:24,252 --> 00:58:27,005
Marty Huggins is solidly ahead.
1063
00:58:27,171 --> 00:58:30,967
Rainbow Land is now number six
on Amazon.com.
1064
00:58:32,135 --> 00:58:34,137
CAM: Can't believe you
landed a national interview.
1065
00:58:34,303 --> 00:58:36,848
MITCH: Mm-hm.
- This could really swing the campaign.
1066
00:58:37,015 --> 00:58:39,976
Yeah, that's the idea.
Let's get this bad boy. Let's wrap it up.
1067
00:58:40,143 --> 00:58:42,770
- How's the hair?
- Strong.
1068
00:58:42,937 --> 00:58:44,647
CAM: Yeah.
- So fucking strong.
1069
00:58:44,814 --> 00:58:48,860
My hair could lift a car
off a baby if it had to.
1070
00:58:49,027 --> 00:58:51,487
- Absolutely.
- It'd do it on its way to church.
1071
00:58:51,654 --> 00:58:54,449
- Okay. Ready to do it? Let's do it.
- Ready. Let's go.
1072
00:58:55,450 --> 00:58:57,994
Good evening.
Welcome to Piers Morgan Tonight.
1073
00:58:58,161 --> 00:58:59,996
We start tonight from North Carolina...
1074
00:59:00,163 --> 00:59:03,458
...with one of the nation's ugliest
and most polarizing campaigns ever.
1075
00:59:03,624 --> 00:59:06,210
- Our guest is Congressman Cam Brady.
- Thank you, Piers.
1076
00:59:06,377 --> 00:59:11,549
It is an honor to be on your show.
My wife, Rose, and I watch you every night.
1077
00:59:11,716 --> 00:59:13,885
MORGAN (ON TV):
That's very kind of you, congressman.
1078
00:59:14,052 --> 00:59:16,971
It's well known the Motch brothers
are backing Marty Huggins...
1079
00:59:17,138 --> 00:59:19,057
your opponent, with millions of dollars
1080
00:59:19,223 --> 00:59:21,684
Is this election being bought
by the highest bidder?
1081
00:59:21,851 --> 00:59:26,814
Piers, this election is about
the freedom of choice, simple as that.
1082
00:59:26,981 --> 00:59:30,568
Americans standing up for their freedom
and their right to choose...
1083
00:59:30,735 --> 00:59:36,616
...whether it be in the great outdoors
or with four black friends at a jazz club.
1084
00:59:36,783 --> 00:59:42,330
Congressman, are you taking money
to promote Menthol 100s or not?
1085
00:59:42,497 --> 00:59:46,626
- Uh, come again? Did you say Menthol 100s?
- I'm not saying the brand of cigarettes again.
1086
00:59:46,793 --> 00:59:49,754
Are you taking money
from big tobacco companies?
1087
00:59:49,921 --> 00:59:52,256
No, no, no, I'm not.
1088
00:59:52,590 --> 00:59:55,593
I just honestly enjoy
their cool, fresh taste.
1089
00:59:55,760 --> 00:59:58,304
And the freshness that Menthol 100s...
1090
00:59:58,471 --> 00:59:59,555
- Easy.
MITCH: Hey, come on.
1091
00:59:59,722 --> 01:00:02,558
- Congressman, let's get back on topic, please.
- I'd love to.
1092
01:00:02,725 --> 01:00:05,019
And what was that topic
we were talking about?
1093
01:00:05,186 --> 01:00:07,480
Did it happen to be Coke Zero?
1094
01:00:07,647 --> 01:00:09,649
No, it was not Coke Zero.
1095
01:00:09,816 --> 01:00:14,362
Look, I'd like to say one thing:
Marty Huggins for Congress in '012.
1096
01:00:14,529 --> 01:00:16,155
It's a mess.
1097
01:00:16,322 --> 01:00:19,117
You're taking money
from Marty Huggins' campaign?
1098
01:00:19,283 --> 01:00:23,412
- To do a plug on my show?
- Yes. I did take money from Marty Huggins.
1099
01:00:23,579 --> 01:00:26,541
But you can rest assured that every dime...
1100
01:00:26,707 --> 01:00:31,045
...every single dime,
will be used to defeat Marty Huggins.
1101
01:00:31,212 --> 01:00:33,172
It's a mess.
1102
01:00:33,339 --> 01:00:34,382
Let's change topics.
1103
01:00:34,549 --> 01:00:37,343
Let's get to the toll this race has had
on your marriage.
1104
01:00:37,510 --> 01:00:38,678
Oh, there's been no toll.
1105
01:00:38,845 --> 01:00:42,265
I don't know why you would bring that up.
I find that laughable. Ha, ha.
1106
01:00:42,431 --> 01:00:45,685
No, our campaign
is just so steady right now.
1107
01:00:45,852 --> 01:00:50,606
We are really hitting our stride,
and my lovely wife is a rock.
1108
01:00:50,773 --> 01:00:53,943
Really? Well, as a special guest
from an undisclosed location...
1109
01:00:54,110 --> 01:00:56,028
...let's introduce you to your wife.
1110
01:00:56,195 --> 01:00:57,613
- Hello, Piers
- Oh.
1111
01:00:57,780 --> 01:00:59,490
(CAM CHUCKLES)
1112
01:00:59,657 --> 01:01:02,743
- Honey, what are you doing in the kitchen?
- I'm doing an interview.
1113
01:01:02,910 --> 01:01:05,371
- She's here in the house.
- Yes.
1114
01:01:05,538 --> 01:01:08,249
She's... Come on up here.
1115
01:01:08,416 --> 01:01:11,794
Mrs. Brady, you've gone through
this election process four times now.
1116
01:01:11,961 --> 01:01:15,631
- How has this race been different for you?
- Oh, it's just been terrible.
1117
01:01:15,798 --> 01:01:18,384
For one, Cam has just completely
let his body go.
1118
01:01:18,551 --> 01:01:22,263
It's just a whole mess of fat
and weirdly placed hair.
1119
01:01:22,430 --> 01:01:25,057
It's like somebody dropped a glazed ham
in a barber shop.
1120
01:01:25,224 --> 01:01:27,977
- Okay, that... That's ridiculous.
- Oh, come on. Come on.
1121
01:01:28,144 --> 01:01:31,105
Do you think Cam is emotionally
stable enough to be in office?
1122
01:01:31,272 --> 01:01:32,940
- I'm trying.
- Oh, God, no.
1123
01:01:33,107 --> 01:01:35,526
- You can read all about it in my new book.
- Aw, what?
1124
01:01:35,693 --> 01:01:38,988
I've sold the movie rights.
We're in talks with Kate Hudson to play me.
1125
01:01:39,155 --> 01:01:40,198
MITCH: No.
- No.
1126
01:01:40,364 --> 01:01:43,075
Cam will be played by Yaphet Kotto,
who you may remember...
1127
01:01:43,242 --> 01:01:46,537
...from Homicide: Life on the Streets.
CAM: Okay, that's uncalled for.
1128
01:01:46,704 --> 01:01:50,249
MITCH: Holy smokes. Done. You had your fun.
- This is over. Damn. You had your fun.
1129
01:01:50,416 --> 01:01:52,919
You happy, New York? You had your fun.
Shut it down.
1130
01:01:53,461 --> 01:01:56,631
Why would you do this?
You just killed the campaign.
1131
01:01:56,797 --> 01:01:59,300
You're five points down.
You can't win this.
1132
01:01:59,467 --> 01:02:01,886
I told you, I don't truck with losers.
1133
01:02:02,053 --> 01:02:04,972
Plus, I got offered a lobbying job in D.C.
for Motch brothers.
1134
01:02:05,139 --> 01:02:06,307
- The Motch brothers?
- Yup.
1135
01:02:06,474 --> 01:02:08,851
You know what they're trying to do.
Get you to leave me.
1136
01:02:09,018 --> 01:02:10,811
ROSE: You got your baton, baby?
JESSICA: Yeah.
1137
01:02:10,978 --> 01:02:12,939
Come on, baby, we're a team.
You're my rock.
1138
01:02:13,105 --> 01:02:15,274
(THREE 6 MAFIA'S "AZZ & TITTIEZ"
PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)
1139
01:02:15,441 --> 01:02:16,776
You're dragging me down, baby.
1140
01:02:16,943 --> 01:02:19,612
What if my poll numbers go up?
Will you come back?
1141
01:02:20,571 --> 01:02:23,532
I hate to do this to you, buddy,
but we got bigger problems.
1142
01:02:25,159 --> 01:02:27,495
I think you need to see this.
1143
01:02:27,662 --> 01:02:31,499
NARRATOR (ON TV): Congressman
Cam Brady claims to be a family man.
1144
01:02:31,666 --> 01:02:33,251
What a nice day we've had.
1145
01:02:33,417 --> 01:02:35,711
- Cam Jr.?
- Mm-hm.
1146
01:02:35,878 --> 01:02:39,215
- The batting cages, the water park.
MITCH: Must be a hidden-camera situation.
1147
01:02:39,382 --> 01:02:41,759
MARTY: You were doing cannonballs.
You were good at those.
1148
01:02:41,926 --> 01:02:44,470
CAM JR: Yeah.
- Seeing any girls yet?
1149
01:02:44,637 --> 01:02:46,514
- What is he doing?
CAM JR: Sort of.
1150
01:02:46,681 --> 01:02:50,101
Must be tough having your dad
not be around that much, you know?
1151
01:02:50,268 --> 01:02:52,812
What is he talking about?
I'm around too much.
1152
01:02:52,979 --> 01:02:54,188
I could be your dad.
1153
01:02:56,107 --> 01:02:59,193
- You can call me "Dad."
- No.
1154
01:02:59,360 --> 01:03:02,071
MARTY: Go ahead, try.
- No, don't do it.
1155
01:03:02,238 --> 01:03:04,156
- No, I'm your daddy.
MARTY: Go ahead.
1156
01:03:07,994 --> 01:03:09,870
- Dad.
- Oh, shit.
1157
01:03:10,037 --> 01:03:12,206
MARTY:
There you go. That wasn't bad.
1158
01:03:13,541 --> 01:03:17,920
I'm Marty Huggins,
and I regretfully approve this message.
1159
01:03:19,171 --> 01:03:20,381
Love you, Cam Jr.
1160
01:03:20,548 --> 01:03:25,261
NARRATOR: Marty Huggins,
the father Cam Brady will never be.
1161
01:03:26,429 --> 01:03:29,682
MITCH: Just take it easy. All right?
Just take a deep breath.
1162
01:03:29,849 --> 01:03:32,810
Now, we ought to think about
how we gonna get back, okay?
1163
01:03:32,977 --> 01:03:35,730
But we can't let emotion
cloud our judgment, okay?
1164
01:03:35,896 --> 01:03:38,983
We gotta think logically here.
Now, what do you wanna do?
1165
01:03:39,150 --> 01:03:40,818
I'm gonna fuck his wife.
1166
01:03:40,985 --> 01:03:43,988
Great. No. No, you can't do that.
No, no, no.
1167
01:03:44,155 --> 01:03:47,408
I'm gonna fuck his wife,
and I'm gonna go put it on television.
1168
01:03:47,575 --> 01:03:49,410
No. Okay, you definitely can't do that.
1169
01:03:49,577 --> 01:03:52,663
First part, maybe,
but the second part, definitely not.
1170
01:03:52,830 --> 01:03:53,998
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
1171
01:03:54,165 --> 01:03:58,878
You get my son to call you "Daddy,"
I fuck your wife.
1172
01:03:59,045 --> 01:04:01,005
- That's the deal?
- That is the deal.
1173
01:04:01,172 --> 01:04:02,340
What are you pointing at?
1174
01:04:02,506 --> 01:04:06,010
- Got a book of bad ideas?
- I got a book of good ideas. That's the first one.
1175
01:04:06,177 --> 01:04:09,138
Get my son to call you "Daddy"...
1176
01:04:09,638 --> 01:04:12,266
...turn the page, it
says, "Fuck your wife."
1177
01:04:12,433 --> 01:04:14,518
Okay, let's talk about this.
1178
01:04:14,727 --> 01:04:16,812
(AUDIENCE CHEERING ON TV)
1179
01:04:16,979 --> 01:04:19,315
Welcome back, everybody,
to The Price Is Right.
1180
01:04:19,482 --> 01:04:20,733
George Gray, who's next, please?
1181
01:04:20,900 --> 01:04:22,234
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
1182
01:04:22,401 --> 01:04:24,153
Coming.
1183
01:04:28,574 --> 01:04:30,117
Congressman Brady.
1184
01:04:30,284 --> 01:04:33,371
Marty's down at the tourism office, so...
1185
01:04:33,537 --> 01:04:35,956
I really like your hair.
1186
01:04:36,123 --> 01:04:37,708
It's very Katie Couric.
1187
01:04:38,584 --> 01:04:40,336
Thank you.
1188
01:04:41,879 --> 01:04:43,798
May I come in and use your phone?
1189
01:04:46,300 --> 01:04:47,343
(PLAYING MELLOW JAZZ MUSIO
1190
01:04:47,510 --> 01:04:53,891
Cal Tjader. Best known
for starting the samba-salsa jazz craze.
1191
01:04:54,058 --> 01:05:00,106
Yet sadly, was not recognized
for a Grammy for over 40 years.
1192
01:05:03,359 --> 01:05:07,238
I find it tragic when someone
isn't recognized for perfection.
1193
01:05:07,655 --> 01:05:10,282
That's very interesting.
1194
01:05:10,449 --> 01:05:12,410
Tell me something about you.
1195
01:05:13,452 --> 01:05:16,205
Oh, uh, well, I love owls.
1196
01:05:16,372 --> 01:05:18,541
I collect them, you know.
Not real ones, of course.
1197
01:05:18,707 --> 01:05:20,584
But I got some porcelain
or maybe china ones.
1198
01:05:20,751 --> 01:05:21,794
(DOGS PANTING AND GROWLING)
1199
01:05:21,961 --> 01:05:25,923
There's some pretty grumpy ones too that
kind of have those big eyebrows, like...
1200
01:05:26,090 --> 01:05:28,384
Oh, God,
I know exactly what you're talking about.
1201
01:05:28,551 --> 01:05:30,761
- I'm gonna let these little fellas out.
- Oh.
1202
01:05:30,928 --> 01:05:33,722
Come on, little buddies. Come on.
1203
01:05:37,810 --> 01:05:39,478
Get out, you little fuckers.
1204
01:05:41,063 --> 01:05:43,315
They are tiny little munchkin butts,
aren't they?
1205
01:05:43,482 --> 01:05:46,152
They're Marty's dogs.
They don't listen to me.
1206
01:05:46,694 --> 01:05:49,905
Well, I don't understand that,
because I find you fascinating.
1207
01:05:50,072 --> 01:05:51,532
Oh, thank you.
1208
01:05:52,199 --> 01:05:54,952
Mitzi, I'm gonna out to the chase.
1209
01:05:56,537 --> 01:05:58,789
I've had feelings for you.
1210
01:06:01,709 --> 01:06:05,129
- Are we doing what I think we're doing?
- I don't know.
1211
01:06:05,296 --> 01:06:09,592
I tell you right now, my heart is beating
like a phone book in a dryer...
1212
01:06:09,758 --> 01:06:13,888
...and I'm so afraid
of what's about to happen.
1213
01:06:14,054 --> 01:06:16,307
What's about to happen?
1214
01:06:17,183 --> 01:06:18,642
This.
1215
01:06:25,858 --> 01:06:27,735
Ooh.
1216
01:06:28,694 --> 01:06:30,696
Ooh.
1217
01:06:30,863 --> 01:06:32,781
- Ooh!
- Oh.
1218
01:06:32,948 --> 01:06:37,369
I want you to put my head in the freezer
while you do me from behind.
1219
01:06:37,536 --> 01:06:41,624
- Hold on, hold on. Isn't the freezer too high?
- I'll get a stool!
1220
01:06:42,082 --> 01:06:45,503
CAM:
Easy. Easy, Mitzi. Easy.
1221
01:06:45,669 --> 01:06:48,797
NARRATOR (ON TV): The following commercial
is rated TV-MA for mature audiences.
1222
01:06:48,964 --> 01:06:51,884
CAM (ON TV): Marty Huggins can't even
take care of his own wife, so I did.
1223
01:06:52,051 --> 01:06:54,261
MITZI (ON TV): Whoo!
CAM: That night, Marty's wife voted.
1224
01:06:54,428 --> 01:06:57,973
- Multiple times.
MITZI: Good work. Attaboy. Whoo!
1225
01:06:58,182 --> 01:06:59,934
Whoo! Whoo!
1226
01:07:00,100 --> 01:07:02,520
CAM: Getting juicy in here.
MITZI: Whoo!
1227
01:07:03,562 --> 01:07:04,855
CAM:
Come on, this isn't a game.
1228
01:07:05,022 --> 01:07:09,276
I'm Cam Brady,
and I seductively approve this message.
1229
01:07:09,944 --> 01:07:15,324
- Boom. There it is. Let's get this out ASAP.
- Cam, you can't do that.
1230
01:07:15,491 --> 01:07:18,661
- Why? Because it wasn't your idea?
- No. No, because it's porn.
1231
01:07:18,827 --> 01:07:20,913
- I didn't sign up for this.
- Oh, really?
1232
01:07:21,080 --> 01:07:22,957
What did you sign up for, Mitch?
1233
01:07:23,123 --> 01:07:26,293
The Big Fat Pussy Who's Too Afraid
to Do What It Takes to Win Club?
1234
01:07:26,460 --> 01:07:28,587
You gotta calm down.
You're going crazy on me.
1235
01:07:28,754 --> 01:07:31,924
- I'm crazy because I refuse to lose?
- I think so.
1236
01:07:32,091 --> 01:07:34,134
Goddamn it, Mitch! Goddamn it!
1237
01:07:34,301 --> 01:07:37,012
My feet are taped to the
bicycle on this one!
1238
01:07:37,179 --> 01:07:39,765
I will do anything it takes to win.
1239
01:07:39,974 --> 01:07:42,226
- Hey, hey.
- Even if it means lying!
1240
01:07:42,393 --> 01:07:45,896
- Or physically hurting someone!
MITCH: Easy, easy, easy. Put that down.
1241
01:07:46,063 --> 01:07:49,608
Or branding myself with a coat hanger
in the shape of a V for "victory."
1242
01:07:49,775 --> 01:07:51,485
I get it. Okay, I'm sorry, everybody.
1243
01:07:51,652 --> 01:07:54,196
Even if it means listening to Metallica
in a sauna...
1244
01:07:54,363 --> 01:07:55,781
He's a little stressed out.
1245
01:07:55,948 --> 01:07:58,617
...while I do push-ups
with a naked Shana on my back.
1246
01:07:58,784 --> 01:08:00,286
MITCH: Come on, man.
- Is that crazy?
1247
01:08:00,452 --> 01:08:02,162
- I think so.
- Do I seem crazy?
1248
01:08:02,329 --> 01:08:04,498
- Or are you the crazy one?
- You gotta stop it.
1249
01:08:04,665 --> 01:08:07,042
(SHOUTING GIBBERISH)
1250
01:08:07,209 --> 01:08:08,961
Okay, sit down.
1251
01:08:09,962 --> 01:08:13,799
Sit the fuck down right now. Okay.
Breathe. Just breathe, okay?
1252
01:08:15,092 --> 01:08:18,387
Now, what is going on with you?
This is getting out of hand.
1253
01:08:18,554 --> 01:08:21,724
Okay, look. Here's the deal, Mitch.
1254
01:08:21,890 --> 01:08:25,102
- I did get a little crazy there.
- Yes, you did.
1255
01:08:25,269 --> 01:08:28,689
But I gotta tell you,
this is what it's gonna take to win.
1256
01:08:31,775 --> 01:08:36,405
Cam, I've been here for eight
years with you, by your side.
1257
01:08:36,572 --> 01:08:38,574
And we've done some great things.
1258
01:08:38,741 --> 01:08:41,452
But I don't know
what the hell's gotten into you.
1259
01:08:41,619 --> 01:08:43,078
What?
1260
01:08:43,245 --> 01:08:47,291
And to be honest with you,
I'm pretty goddamn disappointed.
1261
01:08:47,458 --> 01:08:49,168
I'm sorry.
1262
01:08:50,252 --> 01:08:51,754
Okay, well, get out of here. Go.
1263
01:08:51,920 --> 01:08:53,922
- Anyone can do your job.
- Hey.
1264
01:08:54,089 --> 01:08:55,507
Anyone.
1265
01:08:59,386 --> 01:09:02,681
- You. What's your name?
- Uh, Jason, sir.
1266
01:09:02,848 --> 01:09:07,061
I just started here. I'm an intern.
But I'm a poli sci major in college.
1267
01:09:07,227 --> 01:09:10,230
Okay, well, guess what, Jason.
You're running my campaign.
1268
01:09:10,397 --> 01:09:12,900
JASON: Are you serious?
- Congratulations to Jason, everyone.
1269
01:09:13,067 --> 01:09:15,402
- Nice round of applause.
- I got so many good ideas.
1270
01:09:15,569 --> 01:09:18,572
Did you know that our government,
we actually give tax breaks to companies...
1271
01:09:18,739 --> 01:09:22,201
...that outsource jobs to other countries?
That's awful.
1272
01:09:22,368 --> 01:09:25,454
We've already lost 7 million jobs
since NAFTA, right?
1273
01:09:25,621 --> 01:09:29,541
You get the fuck out of here.
You get the fuck out of here.
1274
01:09:29,750 --> 01:09:33,879
I don't wanna hear that bullshit.
Hey, what did you major in in college?
1275
01:09:34,046 --> 01:09:36,006
- You!
- Uh, sports marketing.
1276
01:09:36,173 --> 01:09:40,469
Okay. You're running my campaign.
Take this down to the TV station.
1277
01:09:40,636 --> 01:09:43,722
Go. Right now. Tell them to run it.
Let's go, people.
1278
01:09:43,889 --> 01:09:48,560
Let's win this thing for America. Right?
1279
01:09:48,894 --> 01:09:52,314
It's the first combination political
commercial and sex tape...
1280
01:09:52,481 --> 01:09:55,734
...and it's got over 65 million hits
on YouTube.
1281
01:09:55,901 --> 01:09:58,195
Cam Brady was supposed to be
on my show tonight...
1282
01:09:58,362 --> 01:09:59,863
...but he's had to cancel again.
1283
01:10:00,030 --> 01:10:02,408
He's apparently dealing with a sex tape.
1284
01:10:02,574 --> 01:10:05,744
He's gotta withdraw his name from the
ballot at the very least, wouldn't you say?
1285
01:10:05,911 --> 01:10:08,455
- Uh, a slight bump, actually.
- What?
1286
01:10:09,957 --> 01:10:11,625
MARTY:
And there's Muffins and Poundcake...
1287
01:10:13,419 --> 01:10:15,587
...in a parking lot of
an airport Denny's...
1288
01:10:16,213 --> 01:10:18,924
...thirsty, alone and tired.
1289
01:10:19,091 --> 01:10:24,638
And then I find a wife who's forced me
to wear the horns of a cuckold.
1290
01:10:24,805 --> 01:10:29,017
Look, Marty, I definitely did wrong.
1291
01:10:29,184 --> 01:10:33,439
But do you know this is the first time
you've actually talked to me in weeks?
1292
01:10:33,605 --> 01:10:36,483
The entire country is talking
about what you did.
1293
01:10:36,650 --> 01:10:38,193
I know.
1294
01:10:38,360 --> 01:10:40,821
Tim says I gotta kick you out...
1295
01:10:40,988 --> 01:10:44,658
...or else I'll look weak
and I'll lose the election.
1296
01:10:44,825 --> 01:10:48,120
When did Tim Wattley
become part of this family?
1297
01:10:52,583 --> 01:10:55,627
Why don't you make up
your own mind, Marty?
1298
01:10:56,503 --> 01:10:58,839
I think you should leave, Mitzi.
1299
01:10:59,798 --> 01:11:01,925
At least until the election's over.
1300
01:11:02,509 --> 01:11:05,721
And then what?
You'll be the old Marty again?
1301
01:11:05,888 --> 01:11:08,182
- And what if you win?
- Well...
1302
01:11:08,348 --> 01:11:12,978
- Marty, you should've never entered this race.
- Well, Cam Brady should've never entered you.
1303
01:11:13,562 --> 01:11:16,315
- Tim told me to say that.
- Gross.
1304
01:11:17,608 --> 01:11:19,359
Goodbye, Marty.
1305
01:11:23,197 --> 01:11:25,866
We're out of Honey Nut Cheerios.
1306
01:11:26,074 --> 01:11:30,370
Check the pantry. There's some Froot Loops.
1307
01:11:31,371 --> 01:11:32,831
CAM:
Okay, so here's the deal.
1308
01:11:32,998 --> 01:11:35,542
If I bag a buck,
we'll get a nice bounce in the polls.
1309
01:11:35,709 --> 01:11:39,671
So, what I did is I bought a dead
seven-point buck, I froze it...
1310
01:11:39,838 --> 01:11:42,090
...and I put it out by
the lake in the woods.
1311
01:11:42,257 --> 01:11:44,468
It's probably defrosted by about now.
1312
01:11:44,635 --> 01:11:47,763
So get the photographers ready when I yell.
1313
01:11:47,930 --> 01:11:50,849
That's an awesome plan, congressman.
What's the signal?
1314
01:11:51,016 --> 01:11:53,352
Well, you'll hear a gunshot,
and then you'll hear me yell:
1315
01:11:53,519 --> 01:11:54,978
"Black Hawk down!"
1316
01:11:55,145 --> 01:11:58,565
That makes sense. Hey.
1317
01:11:58,732 --> 01:12:00,234
(DERMOT CLEARS THROAT)
1318
01:12:01,944 --> 01:12:05,656
Marty Huggins.
I didn't realize you were a sportsman.
1319
01:12:05,823 --> 01:12:08,867
Sorry about that thing with your wife.
You know politics.
1320
01:12:09,785 --> 01:12:13,831
Ho...! He shot me.
Black Hawk down! Black Hawk down!
1321
01:12:13,997 --> 01:12:17,042
- You saw it. You all saw it.
- Way to go, Marty.
1322
01:12:17,209 --> 01:12:20,003
- Hunting season's over. Let's go, start the car.
- Yes, sir.
1323
01:12:20,170 --> 01:12:21,797
CAM:
It went right through my femur.
1324
01:12:21,964 --> 01:12:25,801
Candidate Huggins shot his opponent,
Congressman Brady, in a hunting accident...
1325
01:12:25,968 --> 01:12:27,594
...and went up in the polls.
1326
01:12:27,761 --> 01:12:29,388
Ted Nugent would be proud.
1327
01:12:30,472 --> 01:12:32,808
GLENN: Bravo, young man.
TRIPP: Well, well, well.
1328
01:12:32,975 --> 01:12:34,643
If it isn't Dick Van Shrinkle.
1329
01:12:34,810 --> 01:12:35,853
(TRIPP LAUGHS)
1330
01:12:36,019 --> 01:12:38,814
We didn't have any idea
that you had this kind of talent.
1331
01:12:38,981 --> 01:12:40,023
Well done.
1332
01:12:40,816 --> 01:12:45,571
I'm only saying this because I've had about
a dozen brandies and a bump of coke...
1333
01:12:45,737 --> 01:12:47,906
...and I'm a little emotional.
1334
01:12:48,073 --> 01:12:50,742
Goddamn it, I'm so proud of you. I mean...
1335
01:12:50,909 --> 01:12:52,369
(CHUCKLES)
1336
01:12:52,536 --> 01:12:55,372
You actually shot a man
and went up in the polls.
1337
01:12:55,539 --> 01:12:58,000
That's something we've only dreamed about.
1338
01:12:58,166 --> 01:13:02,129
Well, I would've shot somebody a long time
ago if I knew you'd be proud of me, Dad.
1339
01:13:02,296 --> 01:13:03,338
- Sit down.
- Okay.
1340
01:13:03,505 --> 01:13:06,508
TRIPP: Well, the good news is
you don't have to worry about the charges.
1341
01:13:06,675 --> 01:13:09,344
There was not a single soul
who was willing to testify.
1342
01:13:09,511 --> 01:13:13,473
As of right now,
you are 12 points over Cam Brady.
1343
01:13:13,640 --> 01:13:16,476
- That's right. MARTY: Well, I'm
just super overwhelmed by it.
1344
01:13:16,643 --> 01:13:17,978
It's been a really good day.
1345
01:13:18,145 --> 01:13:20,355
GLENN: Well, I got some more good news
for you, son.
1346
01:13:21,106 --> 01:13:26,653
We have purchased all the rights and
large tracts of land in your district...
1347
01:13:26,820 --> 01:13:31,700
...and we will be building three factories
that will generate 8000 jobs...
1348
01:13:31,867 --> 01:13:34,786
...and over a billion dollars of revenue
per annum.
1349
01:13:34,953 --> 01:13:35,996
Oh, my goodness.
1350
01:13:36,163 --> 01:13:38,540
And we immediately sold that real estate
and debt...
1351
01:13:38,707 --> 01:13:41,376
...to the People's Republic
for a massive profit.
1352
01:13:41,793 --> 01:13:45,547
- I'm sorry, to who?
- Oh. The 14th district now belongs to China.
1353
01:13:45,714 --> 01:13:47,883
(SPEAKS IN MANDARIN)
(GLENN AND WADE CHUCKLING)
1354
01:13:48,050 --> 01:13:49,593
(GLENN SPEAKS IN MANDARIN)
1355
01:13:50,510 --> 01:13:52,721
Guess those jobs will be good
for the district.
1356
01:13:52,888 --> 01:13:55,265
Actually, American workers
are paid way too much...
1357
01:13:55,432 --> 01:13:57,726
...for us to book the profits
we're accustomed to.
1358
01:13:57,893 --> 01:14:01,772
We'll be bringing in low-paid Chinese labor.
They'll clock in at 50 cents an hour.
1359
01:14:01,939 --> 01:14:04,316
We call the concept "insourcing."
1360
01:14:04,483 --> 01:14:07,903
And we want you to start using "insourcing"
in all your campaign speeches.
1361
01:14:08,070 --> 01:14:09,613
The word tested through the roof.
1362
01:14:09,780 --> 01:14:13,283
It just kind of seems like you're building
a big sweatshop in Hammond.
1363
01:14:13,450 --> 01:14:16,370
You have factories in China.
Why are you gonna bring them here?
1364
01:14:16,536 --> 01:14:18,288
GLENN:
It'll save a fortune in shipping.
1365
01:14:18,455 --> 01:14:21,917
It'll double the already-doubled profits
that we make.
1366
01:14:22,751 --> 01:14:26,505
With all due respect, I thought we were
gonna do something nice for the district.
1367
01:14:27,130 --> 01:14:31,468
And when you request those EPA waivers
and concessions on minimum wage...
1368
01:14:31,635 --> 01:14:33,428
...the whole project will be a go.
1369
01:14:37,641 --> 01:14:39,101
Well, Marty?
1370
01:14:41,728 --> 01:14:43,730
(SIGHS)
1371
01:14:43,897 --> 01:14:45,190
No, I won't do it.
1372
01:14:48,402 --> 01:14:52,406
I'm not gonna be known as the congressman
who sold out his district to the Chinese.
1373
01:14:52,572 --> 01:14:54,741
What are you doing?
You're fucking up, baby bro.
1374
01:14:54,908 --> 01:14:57,494
Goddamn it, son! Will you do as I say?
1375
01:14:57,661 --> 01:15:00,497
Look, I'm not the type of guy
that talks back to his father.
1376
01:15:00,664 --> 01:15:04,209
But I imagine that guy, and I imagine
that guy would say something like this:
1377
01:15:05,043 --> 01:15:09,297
You were never there for me.
This town was always there for me.
1378
01:15:09,923 --> 01:15:12,426
And by the way,
I know when you were married to Mama...
1379
01:15:12,592 --> 01:15:16,471
...you were having an affair with that woman
that looked like Dog the Bounty Hunter.
1380
01:15:18,140 --> 01:15:21,643
What you're doing is wrong.
It's dead wrong.
1381
01:15:23,145 --> 01:15:24,896
(SIGHS)
1382
01:15:27,899 --> 01:15:30,068
(DOOR HANDLE RATTLING)
1383
01:15:32,612 --> 01:15:33,655
Jiggle it.
1384
01:15:33,822 --> 01:15:35,532
- Jiggle a little.
- Jiggle a little.
1385
01:15:35,699 --> 01:15:37,325
MARTY:
I did. I mean...
1386
01:15:37,492 --> 01:15:40,537
TRIPP: Jig... You pull... Lift it up and jiggle it.
RAYMOND: Lift it up.
1387
01:15:40,704 --> 01:15:42,289
- Shake and push.
- Now push.
1388
01:15:42,456 --> 01:15:45,167
- No, at the same time. You gotta...
- Jiggle, shake and push.
1389
01:15:45,333 --> 01:15:46,626
TRIPP: Yeah.
MARTY: There it is.
1390
01:15:46,793 --> 01:15:49,129
Nope. Now I got it.
1391
01:15:50,213 --> 01:15:51,381
(DOOR CLOSES)
1392
01:15:51,590 --> 01:15:53,133
(TRIPP SIGHS)
1393
01:15:54,676 --> 01:15:55,802
Do we kill him?
1394
01:15:58,055 --> 01:15:59,097
GLENN:
No, no, no.
1395
01:15:59,765 --> 01:16:03,143
What we're looking for is a new,
fresh voice...
1396
01:16:03,310 --> 01:16:06,605
...that'll wake up the people
and harness their frustrations.
1397
01:16:06,772 --> 01:16:08,231
A savior, if you will.
1398
01:16:09,024 --> 01:16:12,694
And it turns out
he's been right in front of us all along.
1399
01:16:13,987 --> 01:16:16,281
I'm not gonna cry.
1400
01:16:16,448 --> 01:16:19,868
- I'm not gonna cry.
- Rinse.
1401
01:16:20,577 --> 01:16:22,829
Jesus, Wattley.
1402
01:16:23,288 --> 01:16:24,956
What the hell are you doing in here?
1403
01:16:25,123 --> 01:16:29,878
Motch brothers sent me.
I'm here to make you not suck.
1404
01:16:30,879 --> 01:16:32,297
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
1405
01:16:32,464 --> 01:16:37,719
ANNOUNCER (OVER SPEAKER):
Introducing the new and improved Cam Brady.
1406
01:16:39,012 --> 01:16:40,430
Bring him down.
1407
01:16:40,639 --> 01:16:43,892
(BACHMAN-TURNER OVERDRIVE'S
"TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS" PLAYING)
1408
01:16:50,357 --> 01:16:52,442
CAM:
How you doing, North Carolina?
1409
01:16:53,110 --> 01:16:58,323
The new Cam Brady is here today
to stop the talking and start the walking.
1410
01:16:58,490 --> 01:17:03,120
The funny thing is, there's still
a lot people out there that say no.
1411
01:17:04,412 --> 01:17:06,665
Marty Huggins says no.
1412
01:17:06,832 --> 01:17:07,874
(AUDIENCE BOOING)
1413
01:17:08,041 --> 01:17:12,754
But we're gonna kick his ass,
because that's how we do.
1414
01:17:12,921 --> 01:17:14,297
Whoo!
1415
01:17:14,464 --> 01:17:15,966
(ROSE LAUGHS)
1416
01:17:16,133 --> 01:17:18,385
Motch paid me 50 grand
to make a few appearances.
1417
01:17:18,552 --> 01:17:21,346
We're not back together.
Put your arm around me.
1418
01:17:21,513 --> 01:17:24,516
Now, remember,
y'all have to support Cam Brady.
1419
01:17:24,683 --> 01:17:26,726
Cam Brady '012. Whoo!
1420
01:17:26,893 --> 01:17:30,021
ROSE:
Y'all have to hate Marty Huggins!
1421
01:17:35,068 --> 01:17:37,279
Well, let's be honest.
1422
01:17:38,864 --> 01:17:40,824
We're getting our tushes handed to us.
1423
01:17:40,991 --> 01:17:44,161
You're only eight points down, Marty.
1424
01:17:44,327 --> 01:17:48,540
There's a chance we could make it up
before the polls open tomorrow.
1425
01:17:55,463 --> 01:17:58,300
- Hello, Mitzi.
MITZI: Hey, Marty.
1426
01:17:59,551 --> 01:18:03,597
Look, after 17 years of
faithful marriage...
1427
01:18:03,763 --> 01:18:06,224
...I did a bad, stupid thing.
1428
01:18:06,391 --> 01:18:08,226
I got crazy, Marty.
1429
01:18:08,393 --> 01:18:11,730
I lost myself and who I am.
1430
01:18:11,897 --> 01:18:14,482
And I'll be sorry for the rest of my life.
1431
01:18:15,108 --> 01:18:17,068
Well, you should be.
1432
01:18:18,153 --> 01:18:19,988
You hurt my feelings, Mitzi.
1433
01:18:20,614 --> 01:18:23,450
And I don't get my feelings hurt that much,
you know?
1434
01:18:23,617 --> 01:18:25,952
But I'm to blame too.
1435
01:18:26,119 --> 01:18:28,413
I turned my back on the boys and you.
1436
01:18:29,080 --> 01:18:31,124
And to the people of this town.
1437
01:18:31,750 --> 01:18:35,795
I got all messed up with the hoopla
of bigtime politics...
1438
01:18:35,962 --> 01:18:38,465
...and look who I am now.
1439
01:18:38,632 --> 01:18:40,425
I ain't much of nothing.
1440
01:18:42,969 --> 01:18:46,973
Marty, tomorrow is election day.
1441
01:18:47,140 --> 01:18:51,603
You're not gonna win.
And that means they'll destroy this town.
1442
01:18:52,229 --> 01:18:54,773
You've got 14 hours
till they open up those polls.
1443
01:18:54,940 --> 01:18:57,400
We're up against some dirty players.
1444
01:18:57,567 --> 01:19:00,654
It's time to save this town.
1445
01:19:06,952 --> 01:19:09,454
Now, when you say something like that...
1446
01:19:09,621 --> 01:19:12,123
...I do get a little careless whisper
in my body.
1447
01:19:12,290 --> 01:19:13,375
- Do you?
- Mm-hm.
1448
01:19:22,050 --> 01:19:24,511
Be my Drew Carey.
1449
01:19:24,678 --> 01:19:28,014
Mitzi Huggins, come on down.
1450
01:19:37,232 --> 01:19:39,067
MITZI:
Oh. Oh, I'm dizzy.
1451
01:19:39,234 --> 01:19:41,319
Okay, people.
1452
01:19:41,486 --> 01:19:44,739
It's time to get to work. Let's do it.
1453
01:19:46,616 --> 01:19:50,662
KEITH OLBERMANN: It's election day.
Polls are opening on the East Coast.
1454
01:19:50,829 --> 01:19:53,832
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Record turnout
in North Carolina's 14th district..
1455
01:19:53,999 --> 01:19:57,294
...where Cam Brady is solidly ahead.
1456
01:19:58,044 --> 01:19:59,629
- All right.
- That's how we do.
1457
01:19:59,796 --> 01:20:01,548
Ha, ha. Hello.
1458
01:20:01,715 --> 01:20:05,051
Stuart, do you still have those
TV commercial spots available for today?
1459
01:20:05,218 --> 01:20:06,261
- Mm-hm.
- Okay.
1460
01:20:06,428 --> 01:20:08,430
Hey. Hey, everybody.
1461
01:20:08,596 --> 01:20:12,934
Hey, shut up, shut up, everybody.
Check out these TVs.
1462
01:20:13,143 --> 01:20:17,147
Hello, I'm Marty Huggins.
I'm running to be your congressman
1463
01:20:17,314 --> 01:20:21,318
I've spent my last penny on this ad
to tell everyone in the district one thing.
1464
01:20:22,110 --> 01:20:23,695
I have not been honest with you.
1465
01:20:23,862 --> 01:20:26,990
See, the truth is,
big money is running politics in America.
1466
01:20:27,157 --> 01:20:30,702
Billionaires and corporations
have given me millions of dollars...
1467
01:20:30,869 --> 01:20:32,495
...to say what they want me to say.
1468
01:20:32,662 --> 01:20:33,955
What the hell is he doing?
1469
01:20:34,122 --> 01:20:37,625
And most of the time,
what they want me to say is a lie.
1470
01:20:37,792 --> 01:20:39,711
Well, I'm not doing it any more.
1471
01:20:39,878 --> 01:20:43,465
But on this election day,
if you choose to vote for me, know this:
1472
01:20:43,631 --> 01:20:47,635
I will never take another dime
from any billionaire or corporation.
1473
01:20:47,802 --> 01:20:52,807
And to get the ball rolling, I will tell
you the darkest secrets of my life.
1474
01:20:52,974 --> 01:20:57,729
On October 23rd, 1996, at 2:11 p.m...
1475
01:20:57,896 --> 01:21:02,025
...I farted in a very crowded elevator
and blamed it on a war veteran.
1476
01:21:02,192 --> 01:21:04,194
I would like to apologize to that woman.
1477
01:21:04,611 --> 01:21:10,075
Last year, I attended a Halloween party
dressed up as Lady Gaga.
1478
01:21:10,241 --> 01:21:14,829
I felt so alive and free, I did not
take off the costume for two days.
1479
01:21:14,996 --> 01:21:16,664
As a prank, when I was 15...
1480
01:21:16,831 --> 01:21:20,001
...my big brother told me
you have to masturbate with your feet.
1481
01:21:20,168 --> 01:21:22,045
And to this day, that's how I do it.
1482
01:21:22,212 --> 01:21:23,254
(GRUMBLES)
1483
01:21:24,255 --> 01:21:25,757
This feels good. Ahem.
1484
01:21:25,924 --> 01:21:31,137
Everyone, turn to the person next to you,
reach in your heart, and let it speak.
1485
01:21:32,055 --> 01:21:35,266
I had an affair with the waitress
at Ruby Tuesdays.
1486
01:21:36,142 --> 01:21:37,894
So did I.
1487
01:21:38,061 --> 01:21:39,479
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
1488
01:21:40,355 --> 01:21:43,858
I run a meth lab out of
the kids' tree fort.
1489
01:21:44,025 --> 01:21:46,653
I'm your twin sister.
1490
01:21:47,862 --> 01:21:52,450
Sometimes when I get a little drunk,
I let kids touch my old lady's titty.
1491
01:21:52,617 --> 01:21:56,788
Ninety percent of the time, I have no
idea what the fuck I'm talking about.
1492
01:21:57,330 --> 01:21:59,541
I tried to kill you in your sleep.
1493
01:21:59,707 --> 01:22:01,084
What?
1494
01:22:01,501 --> 01:22:03,628
Three times.
1495
01:22:03,795 --> 01:22:08,633
You see, telling the truth feels good,
and it's what this country was built on.
1496
01:22:08,800 --> 01:22:13,096
I'm Marty Huggins,
and this is one message I approve.
1497
01:22:13,263 --> 01:22:18,226
(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) Oh, Mr. Raymond.
Here you go, your afternoon refreshment.
1498
01:22:18,393 --> 01:22:20,854
- Mrs. Yao?
- Yeah.
1499
01:22:21,020 --> 01:22:23,565
Do you know what I like most
about your Asian boys?
1500
01:22:23,731 --> 01:22:24,774
YAO:
Hmm?
1501
01:22:24,941 --> 01:22:27,610
They respect their elders
and do as they're told.
1502
01:22:29,112 --> 01:22:31,114
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
You have been saying for years...
1503
01:22:31,281 --> 01:22:33,450
...how you want Marty to stand up
and be his own man.
1504
01:22:33,616 --> 01:22:37,495
Well, he's finally done it.
You should be proud of him.
1505
01:22:37,662 --> 01:22:40,081
- What did you say?
- Oh, right. Uh...
1506
01:22:40,582 --> 01:22:43,376
(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
Your son Marty be standing up like a man...
1507
01:22:43,543 --> 01:22:46,045
...but his pappy gots to support him.
1508
01:22:46,212 --> 01:22:48,173
(GRUNTS THEN SCOFFS)
1509
01:22:48,339 --> 01:22:50,175
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
This is bullshit.
1510
01:22:50,341 --> 01:22:52,051
(YAO GRUMBLES)
1511
01:22:52,218 --> 01:22:53,470
Election day winding down.
1512
01:22:53,636 --> 01:22:56,347
North Carolina's 14th district
one of the last to call it.
1513
01:22:56,514 --> 01:22:59,893
And today opponent Marty Huggins
did the craziest stunt to date.
1514
01:23:00,059 --> 01:23:04,230
Marty Huggins, he actually promised to be
the most honest congressman out there.
1515
01:23:04,397 --> 01:23:07,150
Listen, guys,
he opened his life up, and it's worked.
1516
01:23:07,317 --> 01:23:08,693
He's up in the polls.
1517
01:23:08,860 --> 01:23:11,571
The whole country is still waiting
on the result.
1518
01:23:11,779 --> 01:23:16,868
COUNCILMAN: Ahem. We have a winner,
as verified by the State Election Board.
1519
01:23:17,076 --> 01:23:19,162
And the results were as follows.
1520
01:23:19,370 --> 01:23:24,501
With 90,362 votes, Camden Brady.
1521
01:23:24,709 --> 01:23:26,628
(CHEERING)
1522
01:23:29,964 --> 01:23:33,134
And now for the results for Martin Huggins:
1523
01:23:33,301 --> 01:23:37,597
80,365 votes. Cam Brady wins.
1524
01:23:37,764 --> 01:23:40,225
- Yeah! Whoo!
- All right. Whoo!
1525
01:23:40,433 --> 01:23:43,520
(BACHMAN-TURNER OVERDRIVE'S
"TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS" PLAYING)
1526
01:23:44,395 --> 01:23:47,357
How can that be?
We were up 10,000 votes in the exit polls.
1527
01:23:47,524 --> 01:23:49,484
How can that be?
1528
01:23:56,241 --> 01:23:58,535
Who's taking care of business now?
1529
01:23:58,701 --> 01:24:01,204
- Thank you.
- We did it, baby. We did it.
1530
01:24:01,371 --> 01:24:04,749
It's you and me against the world forever.
1531
01:24:05,792 --> 01:24:07,252
MAN 1 (OVER SPEAKER):
Cam Brady!
1532
01:24:07,418 --> 01:24:10,505
- Thank you. Thank you so much.
MAN 2: Well done.
1533
01:24:11,923 --> 01:24:14,968
Pardon me. Excuse me, thank you.
Thank you.
1534
01:24:15,134 --> 01:24:17,345
- Mitzi.
- Cam.
1535
01:24:17,929 --> 01:24:18,972
Sorry.
1536
01:24:19,639 --> 01:24:20,682
CAM:
Hey, Marty.
1537
01:24:21,307 --> 01:24:24,060
Why are you so upset?
You ran a hell of a campaign.
1538
01:24:24,227 --> 01:24:27,730
- I mean, you got a real talent for this.
- You still don't get it, do you?
1539
01:24:27,897 --> 01:24:30,817
I didn't do this for some career.
1540
01:24:31,484 --> 01:24:34,696
I did this because I love my home
and I wanted to help out.
1541
01:24:34,862 --> 01:24:38,992
Just like you did when you took down
that jaggedy jungle gym...
1542
01:24:39,158 --> 01:24:42,036
...so other kids wouldn't get cut like me.
1543
01:24:43,162 --> 01:24:44,789
- It got you too.
- Yeah.
1544
01:24:44,956 --> 01:24:47,000
I remember that jaggedy jungle gym.
1545
01:24:48,334 --> 01:24:50,128
- Ow.
- Look at this.
1546
01:24:50,920 --> 01:24:52,213
(CAM GASPS)
1547
01:24:52,380 --> 01:24:53,548
Oh, no.
1548
01:24:53,715 --> 01:24:57,719
Doctors said it was the worst
playground accident they'd ever seen.
1549
01:24:57,885 --> 01:24:59,262
(GASPS)
1550
01:25:00,722 --> 01:25:03,808
And I just dangled there
for two straight nights.
1551
01:25:03,975 --> 01:25:05,393
Oh, good Lord.
1552
01:25:05,560 --> 01:25:09,022
But back then, in the fourth grade,
I voted for you.
1553
01:25:09,188 --> 01:25:10,231
You know why?
1554
01:25:10,690 --> 01:25:14,861
Because you were a voice of the people.
But that's when we was kids.
1555
01:25:15,361 --> 01:25:19,407
I guess this is the, uh...
The way of the world now.
1556
01:25:20,617 --> 01:25:22,619
TIM:
Come on, Cam, we gotta go.
1557
01:25:22,785 --> 01:25:24,370
(TIM GROANS)
1558
01:25:25,288 --> 01:25:27,373
It had to be said.
1559
01:25:27,540 --> 01:25:30,043
- Pull up your pants, honey.
- Okay.
1560
01:25:30,793 --> 01:25:32,837
Here he is, the man of the hour.
1561
01:25:33,379 --> 01:25:38,885
It's been a pleasure running his campaign.
Congressman Cam Brady.
1562
01:25:39,052 --> 01:25:40,595
We love you, Cam.
1563
01:25:40,762 --> 01:25:44,182
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you so much. Thanks.
1564
01:25:45,224 --> 01:25:46,768
So, uh...
1565
01:25:46,934 --> 01:25:49,312
So I won. That's great.
1566
01:25:53,358 --> 01:25:56,944
Marty Huggins did a crazy thing
on TV today.
1567
01:25:57,111 --> 01:25:59,113
He told the truth.
1568
01:25:59,280 --> 01:26:01,282
So here I go.
1569
01:26:01,449 --> 01:26:04,035
I am a great politician.
1570
01:26:04,243 --> 01:26:06,913
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
(ROSE LAUGHS)
1571
01:26:07,080 --> 01:26:08,873
Yeah.
1572
01:26:29,352 --> 01:26:32,480
- But I am a horrible congressman.
ALL: No.
1573
01:26:32,647 --> 01:26:34,440
CAM:
Now, hold on, hear me out.
1574
01:26:34,607 --> 01:26:39,028
I hardly ever vote in Congress,
and I never read the bills.
1575
01:26:39,237 --> 01:26:44,325
When I'm in D.C.,
I mostly Facebook old girlfriends...
1576
01:26:44,492 --> 01:26:46,244
...play fantasy hockey.
1577
01:26:46,828 --> 01:26:50,832
Words with Friends, Scrabble,
Draw Something.
1578
01:26:51,040 --> 01:26:54,544
I just enjoy being Congressman Cam Brady...
1579
01:26:54,711 --> 01:26:57,630
...and I was scared to
death of losing that.
1580
01:26:58,172 --> 01:27:01,801
So I took a bunch of money
from the Motch brothers...
1581
01:27:01,968 --> 01:27:07,223
...and convinced myself that selling
the 14th district to China was a good idea.
1582
01:27:07,390 --> 01:27:09,392
All they care about is profits.
1583
01:27:09,559 --> 01:27:12,478
Not you, not me, not America.
1584
01:27:13,020 --> 01:27:16,232
The only reason why my wife is here tonight
is because they paid her to be here.
1585
01:27:16,399 --> 01:27:17,525
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
1586
01:27:17,692 --> 01:27:20,236
WADE: Jesus, I think we should
take our leave. Excuse me.
1587
01:27:20,403 --> 01:27:22,447
GLENN: He's a liar.
WADE: He's a nutbag.
1588
01:27:22,613 --> 01:27:24,407
Don't touch me. We're both ex-Marines.
1589
01:27:24,574 --> 01:27:28,077
Get away now.
Get away or I'll start slapping people.
1590
01:27:28,244 --> 01:27:31,998
But do you know which individual
in this room...
1591
01:27:32,165 --> 01:27:34,751
...stood up to the Motch brothers
and said no?
1592
01:27:35,960 --> 01:27:39,464
Marty Huggins.
That son of a bitch fears no man.
1593
01:27:39,630 --> 01:27:41,883
He should be your congressman.
1594
01:27:42,592 --> 01:27:44,927
Sure, I know what you're thinking:
He's a weirdo.
1595
01:27:45,094 --> 01:27:47,180
I've often wondered...
1596
01:27:47,346 --> 01:27:51,476
...why the folks
from Ripley's Believe It or Not!...
1597
01:27:51,642 --> 01:27:54,771
...haven't broken into his house...
1598
01:27:54,937 --> 01:27:57,315
...and kidnapped him
for a permanent display.
1599
01:27:58,024 --> 01:28:02,528
But I'll tell you this: He's one of the good
ones, and I've actually grown fond of him.
1600
01:28:02,695 --> 01:28:05,448
So with that, I'd like to announce
my withdrawal from this election...
1601
01:28:05,615 --> 01:28:06,866
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
1602
01:28:07,033 --> 01:28:10,328
...and congratulate
Congressman Marty Huggins.
1603
01:28:10,495 --> 01:28:11,662
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
1604
01:28:11,829 --> 01:28:14,081
Come on up here, Marty.
1605
01:28:15,166 --> 01:28:16,626
TRIPP:
Goddamn.
1606
01:28:18,169 --> 01:28:22,882
AUDIENCE (CHEERING)
Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty!
1607
01:28:23,049 --> 01:28:24,675
You sure about this?
1608
01:28:25,885 --> 01:28:27,929
Get on up there before I change my mind.
1609
01:28:30,973 --> 01:28:32,600
MARTY:
Thanks so much.
1610
01:28:33,059 --> 01:28:35,520
One minute you got your pants down...
1611
01:28:35,686 --> 01:28:39,148
...and the next minute
you're a U.S. congressman.
1612
01:28:40,441 --> 01:28:42,318
It's usually the other way around, I guess.
1613
01:28:42,485 --> 01:28:43,653
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
1614
01:28:43,820 --> 01:28:47,990
I'd like to thank Cam Brady
for his intestinal fortitude...
1615
01:28:48,157 --> 01:28:49,784
...for doing what he just did.
1616
01:28:49,951 --> 01:28:52,036
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
1617
01:28:52,703 --> 01:28:57,834
I want the 14th district to know
that you will not be sold to China...
1618
01:28:58,000 --> 01:28:59,460
...to Brazil...
1619
01:29:00,002 --> 01:29:02,255
...to Nova Scotia...
1620
01:29:02,421 --> 01:29:04,173
...or any other country.
1621
01:29:04,340 --> 01:29:07,176
- Hi, Cam.
- Hey, Mitch.
1622
01:29:07,343 --> 01:29:10,012
That was the greatest gesture
I've ever seen in my life.
1623
01:29:10,179 --> 01:29:13,641
- That was book-worthy.
- Thank you.
1624
01:29:13,808 --> 01:29:18,896
- I'd really like to work together again someday.
- Well, nothing would please me more.
1625
01:29:19,272 --> 01:29:20,314
It's a deal.
1626
01:29:20,481 --> 01:29:23,651
By the way, I hope you don't mind me
saying this, but you look great.
1627
01:29:23,818 --> 01:29:25,486
- I started drinking again.
- Oh.
1628
01:29:25,695 --> 01:29:27,530
MITCH:
Mm-hm.
1629
01:29:27,697 --> 01:29:32,118
And I want to end daylight savings time.
I hate when it gets dark early.
1630
01:29:32,285 --> 01:29:33,369
(CHEERING)
1631
01:29:33,536 --> 01:29:36,956
Washington, D.C., I have a message for you:
1632
01:29:37,623 --> 01:29:41,377
I'm bringing my broom,
because you know why?
1633
01:29:41,544 --> 01:29:43,254
MARTY & AUDIENCE (IN UNISON):
It's a mess.
1634
01:29:43,462 --> 01:29:48,050
CHANTING:
It's a mess! It's a mess! It's a mess!
1635
01:29:48,217 --> 01:29:50,928
It's a mess! It's a mess!
1636
01:29:52,930 --> 01:29:55,933
ANCHORWOMAN (ON TV): Congressman
Scott Talley will tender his resignation...
1637
01:29:56,100 --> 01:30:01,856
...over allegations of using federal funds
to purchase his mistress's fake breasts.
1638
01:30:02,023 --> 01:30:07,445
Large breasts offer more protection
to a woman's tender vital organs.
1639
01:30:08,279 --> 01:30:10,531
- Talley's done.
- What a waste.
1640
01:30:10,698 --> 01:30:11,908
(DOORBELL RINGS)
1641
01:30:12,074 --> 01:30:14,410
- Connie!
- I think you fired her.
1642
01:30:14,577 --> 01:30:17,330
Oh, damn it. Who is it?
1643
01:30:17,496 --> 01:30:20,917
WOMAN: Hola, it's me, Rosita,
your new cleaning lady.
1644
01:30:21,083 --> 01:30:23,669
Oh, this is a big casa.
1645
01:30:23,836 --> 01:30:27,965
It's going to take me forever to clean it,
but I do it for you.
1646
01:30:28,549 --> 01:30:29,675
(SPEAKS IN SPANISH)
1647
01:30:29,842 --> 01:30:30,927
GLENN:
Go away.
1648
01:30:31,093 --> 01:30:32,595
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
This is a subpoena...
1649
01:30:32,762 --> 01:30:36,307
...for you to appear before a congressional
hearing on campaign-finance illegalities.
1650
01:30:36,474 --> 01:30:38,684
You've been served, dickheads. Heh.
1651
01:30:38,851 --> 01:30:40,811
- What?
- Who's heading this hearing?
1652
01:30:41,520 --> 01:30:44,106
(IN SPANISH ACCENT)
Oh. Congressman Marty Huggins...
1653
01:30:44,273 --> 01:30:47,443
...and he's going to go loco
on your gringo asses.
1654
01:30:47,610 --> 01:30:49,070
(SPEAKS IN SPANISH)
1655
01:30:49,278 --> 01:30:50,613
(YAO GRUNTS)
1656
01:30:50,780 --> 01:30:53,032
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Greedy motherfuckers.
1657
01:31:28,859 --> 01:31:31,946
MARTY:
Okay, everyone, please. Okay.
1658
01:31:32,113 --> 01:31:34,824
I'd like to remind these gentlemen
why they are here.
1659
01:31:34,991 --> 01:31:37,910
You were spending millions of dollars
buying politicians...
1660
01:31:38,077 --> 01:31:40,204
...spreading misinformation...
1661
01:31:40,371 --> 01:31:43,833
...and influencing legislation
for your personal gain.
1662
01:31:44,000 --> 01:31:47,336
- Now, I think the re...
(WHISPERS) Marty. You're doing great.
1663
01:31:47,503 --> 01:31:50,464
- And I just love being your chief of staff.
- Good.
1664
01:31:50,631 --> 01:31:53,968
Unfortunately,
none of these charges are illegal.
1665
01:31:54,135 --> 01:31:55,594
Uh, that's correct, congressman.
1666
01:31:55,761 --> 01:31:59,098
The Citizens United ruling
made that abundantly clear.
1667
01:31:59,265 --> 01:32:04,228
Maybe I can't get you on the corruption
of elections, but I can get you on this:
1668
01:32:06,522 --> 01:32:08,149
I can...
1669
01:32:08,315 --> 01:32:11,652
(WHISPERS) It's a coupon to Chick-fil-A.
It's a coupon to Chick-fil-A.
1670
01:32:12,862 --> 01:32:17,324
Aiding and abetting
a known international fugitive.
1671
01:32:17,491 --> 01:32:21,787
This is Tim Wattley,
a.k.a. Leonidis Stavros...
1672
01:32:21,954 --> 01:32:23,748
...a.k.a. the Greek Butcher...
1673
01:32:23,914 --> 01:32:25,708
...a.k.a. the Greek Baker...
1674
01:32:25,875 --> 01:32:28,002
...a.k.a. the Greek Candlestick Maker...
1675
01:32:28,169 --> 01:32:30,212
...a.k.a. Dermot Mulroney...
1676
01:32:30,838 --> 01:32:33,674
...a.k.a. Osama Getting-Laiden.
1677
01:32:35,051 --> 01:32:37,970
Gentlemen, these are federal offenses.
1678
01:32:38,137 --> 01:32:42,475
My brother is responsible for this.
I've never heard of Mr. Wattley in my life.
1679
01:32:42,683 --> 01:32:44,185
Boom.
1680
01:32:44,351 --> 01:32:46,729
MARTY: You're under arrest.
- I've never seen him before.
1681
01:32:46,896 --> 01:32:50,024
- I'll tell you this: It's a mess.
- Whoo!
1682
01:32:50,191 --> 01:32:52,193
I put you in that chair. I can get you out.
1683
01:32:52,359 --> 01:32:53,903
- This is a sham.
WADE: Are you kidding?
1684
01:32:54,070 --> 01:32:56,906
- We make every decision together.
GLENN: This is all you.
1685
01:35:35,439 --> 01:35:37,441
(English - US - SDH)