1 00:00:06,382 --> 00:00:11,678 Should auld acquaintance be forgot 2 00:00:11,887 --> 00:00:17,058 And never brought to mind 3 00:00:17,309 --> 00:00:22,063 - Should auld acquaintance... - We used to have 50 on staff here. Fifty. 4 00:00:22,231 --> 00:00:24,148 I'm the only one left. 5 00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:26,442 All comes down to one schmuck: 6 00:00:26,652 --> 00:00:29,779 Me, the night shift bellhop. 7 00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:35,076 What the hell is that? A bellhop? Huh? What is he? 8 00:00:35,285 --> 00:00:37,620 Y-You know where the name comes from? 9 00:00:37,830 --> 00:00:41,916 Huh? It's so simple, it's stupid. 10 00:00:42,084 --> 00:00:44,502 Some schmuck rings a bell and ya hop. 11 00:00:44,712 --> 00:00:46,796 Ya hop front and center. 12 00:00:46,964 --> 00:00:48,923 Did you ever meet any of the old stars, then? 13 00:00:49,133 --> 00:00:54,137 What, are you kiddin'? I took Rin Tin Tin out for a shit, for Christ's sakes. 14 00:00:54,346 --> 00:00:56,973 Ah, hey, you talk about stars, uh... 15 00:00:57,182 --> 00:00:59,684 Hey, kid, 16 00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:01,686 put this on. 17 00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:04,731 Put it on. Put it on. Go ahead. Come on, come on, come on. 18 00:01:04,940 --> 00:01:07,483 Let me see. Let me see. 19 00:01:07,693 --> 00:01:11,362 You know, and to think that I wore that stupid thing for 50 years. 20 00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:15,408 To think I did that. Ah, shit, yeah. 21 00:01:15,617 --> 00:01:18,411 Yeah, well... Well, kid, 22 00:01:18,620 --> 00:01:20,621 I'm gettin' my ass outta here. 23 00:01:22,541 --> 00:01:24,751 Yep. 24 00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:27,503 Yep, kid, 25 00:01:27,713 --> 00:01:29,839 gotta go. 26 00:01:30,049 --> 00:01:32,425 Listen, kid, 27 00:01:32,634 --> 00:01:34,802 stay clear of... 28 00:01:35,012 --> 00:01:39,432 night clerks, kids, hookers and married arguments. 29 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:42,268 Come on, stand up. Come on. I wanna say good-bye. 30 00:01:42,478 --> 00:01:44,270 Now, uh... 31 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:46,564 Let me see. You... You wanna get a tip? 32 00:01:46,774 --> 00:01:52,195 Hold your hand out. That's right. Now, uh, smile. 33 00:01:52,362 --> 00:01:54,947 Give me a smile. Give me a smile. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 34 00:01:55,157 --> 00:01:57,074 Now, if the cocksucker doesn't pay ya, 35 00:01:57,242 --> 00:02:00,244 you say to yourself, uh, "Fuck you, Jack." 36 00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:03,790 You know what I mean? You never miss. 37 00:02:03,999 --> 00:02:06,209 Tell you something else: 38 00:02:06,418 --> 00:02:09,003 Keep your cock in your pants. 39 00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:34,810 May I help you? 40 00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:36,729 I have a reservation. 41 00:06:40,275 --> 00:06:42,151 In the honeymoon suite. 42 00:06:54,956 --> 00:06:57,583 - Kiva. - Wait up. 43 00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:00,961 What'd I tell you about smoking? 44 00:07:01,171 --> 00:07:03,839 - You smoke. - That's right, I do, and I'm addicted. 45 00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:06,926 So, welcome to this week's edition of "Who is a Hypocrite?" 46 00:07:07,135 --> 00:07:09,678 - This is my first guest. - That's enough, Kiva. 47 00:07:09,888 --> 00:07:11,931 - You're not my mother. - Yes, I am. 48 00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:15,017 Then why are we sleeping together? 49 00:07:16,561 --> 00:07:18,646 Ahh. 50 00:07:18,855 --> 00:07:20,773 Mmm. 51 00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:24,944 Yes. 52 00:07:59,104 --> 00:08:01,730 Thank you. 53 00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:04,942 Oh, you little stinker 54 00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:07,987 Oh, you sweet little muffin 55 00:08:08,196 --> 00:08:11,157 Yes, Mama loves the baby. 56 00:08:17,789 --> 00:08:19,582 Hello. 57 00:08:19,791 --> 00:08:22,001 I'm lookin' for the room for makin' love. 58 00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:24,837 Oh, right. You must mean the honeymoon suite. 59 00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:28,591 - Well, it's straight that way. Can't miss it. - Uh-huh. I know where it is. 60 00:08:28,758 --> 00:08:32,928 I just wanted you to know that I know where I'm goin', so you needn't bother with me. 61 00:08:33,138 --> 00:08:36,307 Well, no problem. Where's your luggage? 62 00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:39,476 I travel light. 63 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:57,995 Tell me, how long have the others been here? 64 00:08:58,163 --> 00:09:00,039 About an hour. 65 00:09:00,248 --> 00:09:02,124 One hour. 66 00:09:23,688 --> 00:09:26,565 You're very late, Eva. 67 00:09:26,775 --> 00:09:30,486 I'm sorry, Athena. I was attending a birth. The placenta was late in coming. 68 00:09:30,695 --> 00:09:34,323 Which birth is more important to you, Eva: That of a mortal, 69 00:09:34,532 --> 00:09:36,492 or that of a goddess? 70 00:09:36,701 --> 00:09:38,535 Will there be anything else, ladies? 71 00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:42,039 Wait. We do need some things. 72 00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:46,168 We need... fresh rosemary from the kitchen. 73 00:09:46,378 --> 00:09:48,170 Mostly what we need is from the kitchen. 74 00:09:48,380 --> 00:09:51,257 Hey. Are you listening? 75 00:09:51,466 --> 00:09:53,259 Rosemary. 76 00:09:53,468 --> 00:09:55,636 We need sea salt, a little bit of sea salt. 77 00:09:55,804 --> 00:09:57,680 Or kosher salt, if you have no sea salt. 78 00:09:57,889 --> 00:10:01,058 A bottle of spring water... French, not that Italian shit. 79 00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:04,728 - Um, yes, and could I have some French fries? - Shut up, Kiva. 80 00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:07,940 Some ginger and some raw meat. 81 00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:12,945 - Liver, if you have it. - I want fries, you stupid jerks with your dumb fucking ritual. 82 00:10:13,154 --> 00:10:15,114 Shut up, you little shit! 83 00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:17,116 Hey. 84 00:10:17,325 --> 00:10:20,911 - Don't talk to her that way. - Uh, 85 00:10:21,079 --> 00:10:23,664 if there's nothing else... 86 00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:31,964 Thank you. 87 00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:58,157 We're communing here on New Year's Eve... 88 00:10:58,366 --> 00:11:01,452 to bring to life the great goddess Diana, 89 00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:04,330 who was turned into stone in this very room... 90 00:11:04,539 --> 00:11:07,291 40 years ago today. 91 00:11:15,759 --> 00:11:19,845 Diana, O Great Beautiful One, 92 00:11:20,055 --> 00:11:22,306 we make these offerings to you... 93 00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:26,393 so that we may undo the wicked spell which deprived you... 94 00:11:26,561 --> 00:11:28,687 of the seed of your lover... 95 00:11:30,315 --> 00:11:32,316 of your virginal blood... 96 00:11:34,152 --> 00:11:36,028 of your very life. 97 00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:40,908 We now form the symbolic rock... 98 00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:43,494 with our bodies. 99 00:12:40,969 --> 00:12:43,512 On this night, in this hour, 100 00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:46,640 we call upon the ancient power. 101 00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:48,809 O Goddess Bride, 102 00:12:49,018 --> 00:12:50,811 we offer thee... 103 00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:54,731 milk from a mother's sweet titty. 104 00:12:58,027 --> 00:13:01,321 To reverse this evil which has been done, 105 00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:04,074 I make this offering... 106 00:13:04,242 --> 00:13:06,326 to the Divine One. 107 00:13:06,536 --> 00:13:08,454 A whore not, 108 00:13:08,663 --> 00:13:10,456 an innocent was, 109 00:13:10,665 --> 00:13:13,959 for whom I seized a virgin's blood. 110 00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:20,132 Goddess of Light, Goddess of Lust, 111 00:13:20,341 --> 00:13:23,218 to undo this awful spell is a real must. 112 00:13:23,428 --> 00:13:26,680 To bring you life and get you high, 113 00:13:26,890 --> 00:13:30,767 I offer the sweat of five men's thighs. 114 00:13:32,937 --> 00:13:35,189 O Diana, O Great One, 115 00:13:35,398 --> 00:13:37,357 we live without sun... 116 00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,776 until this wicked curse is undone. 117 00:13:39,986 --> 00:13:42,029 In hope that you appear, 118 00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:44,573 I have collected a year's worth of tears. 119 00:13:47,952 --> 00:13:51,079 Goddess Diana, fail you, I will. 120 00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:54,333 I was to bring you fresh sperm from my Bill. 121 00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:57,503 I had him erect, and his semen would follow, 122 00:13:57,712 --> 00:13:59,505 but alas, I was hot, 123 00:13:59,714 --> 00:14:01,715 so hot that I swallowed. 124 00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:09,765 You stupid witch! 125 00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:13,560 - You swallowed the sperm? You did? - Why didn't you use your hands? 126 00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:17,856 Well, it just goes to show you what an amazing lack of control you have, Eva. 127 00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:21,068 Didn't your mama teach you not to put them things in your mouth? 128 00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:24,154 - I understand, though. - Eva, 129 00:14:24,322 --> 00:14:27,741 you got one hour to find me some sperm, 130 00:14:27,951 --> 00:14:30,452 one hour to show me... 131 00:14:30,662 --> 00:14:32,746 What kind of witch you can be. 132 00:14:32,956 --> 00:14:34,748 - You hear me? - Uh-huh. 133 00:14:34,958 --> 00:14:38,252 Ted, the bellhop. 134 00:14:38,461 --> 00:14:40,295 Mr. Bellboy, 135 00:14:40,505 --> 00:14:42,756 come right in. 136 00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:53,976 Okay, mister. 137 00:14:55,478 --> 00:14:57,479 Here is your $50 tip, 138 00:14:57,689 --> 00:15:01,066 only you have to do one more thing. 139 00:15:01,276 --> 00:15:03,277 You have to make our little Eva smile. 140 00:15:03,486 --> 00:15:05,571 We'll leave you alone. 141 00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:20,377 Don't use your mouth. 142 00:15:40,523 --> 00:15:42,441 Oh. 143 00:16:01,419 --> 00:16:04,421 Help me out here. I've got to earn this 50 bucks. 144 00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:07,799 Look, they don't care if I smile or not. 145 00:16:08,009 --> 00:16:09,885 They just want... 146 00:16:11,387 --> 00:16:13,263 You wouldn't understand. 147 00:16:14,432 --> 00:16:16,224 Try me. 148 00:16:16,434 --> 00:16:18,477 I've been around a bit, you know. 149 00:16:20,021 --> 00:16:22,564 Well, 150 00:16:22,774 --> 00:16:24,566 the five of us... 151 00:16:24,776 --> 00:16:29,363 Athena, Jezebel, Raven, Elspeth and me... are a coven. 152 00:16:29,572 --> 00:16:32,491 - Like a coven of witches. - Yes. 153 00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:35,243 - Oh. - You see, 154 00:16:35,453 --> 00:16:38,372 for 40 years we've been trying to... 155 00:16:38,581 --> 00:16:42,376 reverse an evil spell that was placed on our goddess Diana. 156 00:16:42,585 --> 00:16:44,461 She was a beautiful virgin, 157 00:16:44,671 --> 00:16:48,298 an entertainer by trade but a great sorceress by design. 158 00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:53,470 It was here in this very room on her wedding night... 159 00:16:53,638 --> 00:16:56,264 that a jealous rival placed this curse on Diana. 160 00:16:56,474 --> 00:16:59,226 Her husband was turned into a pink fish, 161 00:16:59,435 --> 00:17:02,604 while our dear goddess... 162 00:17:04,399 --> 00:17:07,234 a stone in her honeymoon bed. 163 00:17:09,404 --> 00:17:11,655 This was Diana. 164 00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:19,121 - She's the blonde. - Ah. Right. 165 00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:28,130 Hmm. 166 00:17:28,339 --> 00:17:30,340 Well. 167 00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:34,594 Ooh. 168 00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:41,101 Say. 169 00:17:42,854 --> 00:17:44,771 Oh. 170 00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:57,534 Well. 171 00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:59,536 Hate to tell you this, but, uh, 172 00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:01,747 I kinda doubt she was a virgin. 173 00:18:01,956 --> 00:18:04,458 She had lovers, but she saved that for marriage. 174 00:18:04,667 --> 00:18:08,253 If she doesn't get his goop in ten minutes, I'm gonna go in there and get it myself. 175 00:18:08,463 --> 00:18:11,548 That'd be a first for you. 176 00:18:15,803 --> 00:18:19,014 You mean, you were supposed to bring, uh... 177 00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:23,935 And you... 178 00:18:24,145 --> 00:18:26,813 Eewhh. 179 00:18:27,023 --> 00:18:29,316 And now... 180 00:18:29,484 --> 00:18:31,610 you're my last chance. 181 00:18:33,738 --> 00:18:35,655 W-Whoa. 182 00:18:36,866 --> 00:18:38,909 Uh-uh. 183 00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:40,952 No way. 184 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,996 Nope. 185 00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:46,041 Besides, 186 00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:48,919 it's against hotel policy. 187 00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:51,046 I was warned. 188 00:18:51,255 --> 00:18:54,424 "No sex with the clientele." 189 00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:10,398 Oh. 190 00:19:14,278 --> 00:19:16,947 See, what I really wanna do is be a midwife. 191 00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:18,949 I've attended four births already. 192 00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:21,409 I can prevent vaginal tears and everything. 193 00:19:21,619 --> 00:19:24,371 Really? That's good. 194 00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:27,916 Yes. A fella doesn't like too many surprises down there. 195 00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:31,878 I joined the coven to obtain greater understanding of my feminine powers. 196 00:19:32,088 --> 00:19:34,047 Oh, really? 197 00:19:34,257 --> 00:19:37,133 - Seems to be working. - You really think so? 198 00:19:37,343 --> 00:19:39,594 Oh. Yeah. 199 00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:44,724 Oh, God. 200 00:19:44,934 --> 00:19:47,185 Betty's gonna kill me. 201 00:19:48,312 --> 00:19:50,105 Who's Betty? 202 00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:52,774 - The boss. - Oh, good. 203 00:19:52,984 --> 00:19:54,860 Oh, God. 204 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:21,845 My number in Topanga. 205 00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:23,847 Call me? 206 00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:26,474 Sure, baby. I'll call you. 207 00:20:56,547 --> 00:21:00,008 - What's that used for? - This is, um... It's a birch branch. 208 00:21:00,217 --> 00:21:02,510 It symbolizes eternal life. 209 00:21:03,679 --> 00:21:07,223 - I'm a woman now. - Marvelous. 210 00:21:07,433 --> 00:21:10,352 I use this bark for a tea which assists in astral travel. 211 00:21:10,519 --> 00:21:12,896 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I wanna be a witch. 212 00:21:13,105 --> 00:21:15,231 - Great. - Okay. - You are. 213 00:21:15,399 --> 00:21:17,651 We did it right there in the big cauldron. 214 00:21:19,236 --> 00:21:22,530 Great. Great. 215 00:21:22,740 --> 00:21:24,616 Athena. 216 00:21:28,579 --> 00:21:31,581 Goddess Diana, I offer to you... 217 00:21:31,791 --> 00:21:34,376 the jism of the one I wooed for you, 218 00:21:34,585 --> 00:21:37,545 so you may live and know such bliss... 219 00:21:37,755 --> 00:21:40,298 as getting laid by a guy like this. 220 00:21:49,266 --> 00:21:51,184 So mote it be. 221 00:21:51,394 --> 00:21:55,522 Three times three times three. 222 00:21:57,733 --> 00:21:59,693 Ah. 223 00:22:38,399 --> 00:22:40,942 Just a minute! Yeah! 224 00:22:41,152 --> 00:22:44,237 - Room service. - Wait. W-W-What room is this? 225 00:22:44,447 --> 00:22:46,865 This is the front desk, sir. 226 00:22:47,074 --> 00:22:49,743 - W-What room we in? - I don't know, man. I just got here. 227 00:22:49,952 --> 00:22:52,912 404. It's room 404, I think. 228 00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:57,625 - Look, I thought we were on the fifth floor. - All right! 409. Yeah. 229 00:22:57,835 --> 00:22:59,669 Hmm, sir? 230 00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:02,130 Hey, is he talkin' to me? 231 00:23:02,339 --> 00:23:05,467 - Look, 404. We're in room 404. - Yeah. 232 00:23:05,676 --> 00:23:08,303 - What do you need, sir? - What do we need? What do we need? 233 00:23:08,512 --> 00:23:10,472 - Ice. Ice. - Ice. 234 00:23:10,639 --> 00:23:13,183 - Ice? - Ice. Yeah, ice! 235 00:23:13,392 --> 00:23:16,311 Right, sir. 404, sir. Ice, sir. 236 00:23:16,479 --> 00:23:18,730 I'll be with you momentarily. 237 00:23:19,857 --> 00:23:22,901 Ooh. Disco. 238 00:23:50,387 --> 00:23:52,388 Hello. 239 00:23:58,020 --> 00:23:59,896 Anybody there? 240 00:24:00,106 --> 00:24:03,483 What'd you expect, Theodore, 241 00:24:03,692 --> 00:24:05,652 a fuckin' floor show? 242 00:24:05,861 --> 00:24:08,613 Aah! 243 00:24:12,785 --> 00:24:15,036 Um, 244 00:24:15,246 --> 00:24:17,163 is this room 404? 245 00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:23,670 Obviously I've come at a very bad time. 246 00:24:23,838 --> 00:24:28,007 Let's not beleaguer the fact that you have no sense of timing. 247 00:24:29,135 --> 00:24:32,929 The fact is, you're here, 248 00:24:33,139 --> 00:24:34,973 and I couldn't think of a better time for you... 249 00:24:35,182 --> 00:24:38,351 to introduce me to your beau than on New Year's Eve. 250 00:24:38,519 --> 00:24:42,188 There's obviously been a big mistake. 251 00:24:44,150 --> 00:24:46,985 My name is Theodore. Yes. 252 00:24:47,194 --> 00:24:50,113 I'm the bellhop. 253 00:25:18,058 --> 00:25:20,977 Yoo-hoo. Lover boy. 254 00:25:21,187 --> 00:25:23,396 Let's cut to the chase, okay? 255 00:25:29,403 --> 00:25:32,322 Is this about another man or something? 256 00:25:32,531 --> 00:25:36,242 Let's get our ABC's right here, Theodore. 257 00:25:36,452 --> 00:25:40,038 Theodore, right? 258 00:25:40,247 --> 00:25:42,040 Ted's better. 259 00:25:42,249 --> 00:25:45,084 Ted. Okay. 260 00:25:46,545 --> 00:25:50,298 Are you saying my wife cheats on me? 261 00:25:55,846 --> 00:25:57,722 Come here. 262 00:26:00,017 --> 00:26:01,809 Theodore. 263 00:26:02,019 --> 00:26:06,397 This is about as intimate a situation as you can get: 264 00:26:06,607 --> 00:26:08,524 You, 265 00:26:08,734 --> 00:26:12,403 me, Angela here. 266 00:26:12,613 --> 00:26:14,697 Pretty cozy, isn't it? 267 00:26:14,907 --> 00:26:16,699 Now, 268 00:26:16,909 --> 00:26:18,701 I demand an apology. 269 00:26:18,911 --> 00:26:21,996 Oh, shit! 270 00:26:24,458 --> 00:26:26,334 What? 271 00:26:28,921 --> 00:26:33,549 - Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm. - We ain't got no needles here, kid, 272 00:26:33,717 --> 00:26:37,136 just a big fuckin' gun. 273 00:26:37,346 --> 00:26:39,264 - How's that grab ya? - Shh. 274 00:26:39,473 --> 00:26:42,350 Ciao, bambino. 275 00:26:46,188 --> 00:26:48,064 Now... 276 00:26:49,775 --> 00:26:51,609 where was I? 277 00:26:51,819 --> 00:26:54,028 Ah. Ah, yeah. 278 00:26:55,948 --> 00:26:58,741 I remember. 279 00:27:00,869 --> 00:27:03,246 Now... 280 00:27:03,455 --> 00:27:05,331 this... 281 00:27:07,459 --> 00:27:09,252 Gimme that. Gimme that. 282 00:27:09,461 --> 00:27:12,171 No. Bad idea. Say the following. 283 00:27:12,381 --> 00:27:14,340 Come here. Come here. 284 00:27:16,343 --> 00:27:18,761 "I..." 285 00:27:18,971 --> 00:27:21,347 - "I, - I, 286 00:27:21,557 --> 00:27:23,474 - "Theodore, - Theodore, 287 00:27:23,684 --> 00:27:25,601 - must humbly..." - humbleh... 288 00:27:25,811 --> 00:27:28,438 - Humbly! Humbly! - Humbleh. Humbly. 289 00:27:28,647 --> 00:27:32,567 - "And sincerely... - And sincerely... 290 00:27:32,776 --> 00:27:36,195 - apologize..." - polgize... 291 00:27:36,363 --> 00:27:39,657 - Apologize! - Polgi... 292 00:27:39,867 --> 00:27:41,701 Apologize. Apologize. Apologize. 293 00:27:41,910 --> 00:27:43,786 - "For saying... - Saying... 294 00:27:43,996 --> 00:27:46,748 saying that I fucked another man." 295 00:27:50,002 --> 00:27:52,670 - That... - Saying that I fucked another man! 296 00:27:52,838 --> 00:27:54,797 Saying that I fucked another man. 297 00:27:55,007 --> 00:27:56,883 Great. 298 00:27:58,010 --> 00:27:59,802 Satisfied? 299 00:28:00,012 --> 00:28:03,723 Uh, do you accept the fuckin' apology? 300 00:28:06,226 --> 00:28:08,019 Oh. 301 00:28:08,228 --> 00:28:11,230 You always have to have the last word, Angela. 302 00:28:11,398 --> 00:28:14,817 Aw, it's just one way with you. 303 00:28:17,821 --> 00:28:20,114 May I... 304 00:28:20,324 --> 00:28:23,368 Shit, yeah. Come on, come on. Spit it out. 305 00:28:23,577 --> 00:28:26,871 I don't mean to upset you further, sir, 306 00:28:27,039 --> 00:28:30,208 but I do think she was trying to say yes. 307 00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:43,763 Are you... condescending to me, Theodore? 308 00:28:45,516 --> 00:28:48,059 Absolutely not, sir. 309 00:28:48,268 --> 00:28:52,230 Don't you think I noticed there's a gag in the woman's mouth? 310 00:28:52,398 --> 00:28:56,317 You know why I know that? 311 00:28:56,527 --> 00:29:01,656 - How, sir? - Because I put that gag in her mouth! 312 00:29:03,826 --> 00:29:07,203 Don't move a nose hair. 313 00:29:12,126 --> 00:29:14,043 Whoa! 314 00:29:14,253 --> 00:29:19,173 Don't be a stranger, Teddy! Take off your jacket and relax! 315 00:29:22,761 --> 00:29:25,721 What? 316 00:29:29,268 --> 00:29:33,062 We don't have time to play charades here, you asshole. Untie me. 317 00:29:33,272 --> 00:29:35,398 - Listen! - Jesus, honey! 318 00:29:35,607 --> 00:29:37,400 - I would appreciate it... - Where'd you put the Percodan? 319 00:29:37,609 --> 00:29:39,402 If you would tell that nut case in there... 320 00:29:39,611 --> 00:29:42,530 he's making a big fucking mistake. 321 00:29:42,739 --> 00:29:45,116 Look, whether you like it or not, 322 00:29:45,325 --> 00:29:49,036 you are in the middle of a situation here you cannot just wish your way out of. 323 00:29:49,246 --> 00:29:51,581 But I've never met you people before! 324 00:29:51,790 --> 00:29:53,875 You're complete strangers! 325 00:29:54,084 --> 00:29:56,878 Everybody starts out as strangers. It's where we end up that counts. 326 00:29:57,087 --> 00:29:59,881 - You being a good boy, Theodore? - Quick. He's coming back. 327 00:30:00,090 --> 00:30:02,258 Put the gag back in my mouth. We play this game all the time. 328 00:30:02,468 --> 00:30:04,510 Play by the rules and you won't get hurt. Quick. 329 00:30:04,678 --> 00:30:07,472 Come on, put the gag back in my mouth. Quick! Quick! Quick. 330 00:30:07,639 --> 00:30:12,185 - Remember, don't make him mad. - I hope you're being a good boy, Teddy. 331 00:30:12,394 --> 00:30:14,729 - Oh! Teddy! - Whoops! 332 00:30:14,938 --> 00:30:17,106 Oh! 333 00:30:17,316 --> 00:30:20,485 I was just beginning to think... 334 00:30:20,694 --> 00:30:22,987 I could trust you, Theodore. 335 00:30:23,197 --> 00:30:25,156 Just trying to help her breathe a little. 336 00:30:25,365 --> 00:30:28,534 Well, don't let me stop you, Teddy. 337 00:30:28,744 --> 00:30:32,622 You don't mind my calling you Teddy, do you? 338 00:30:32,831 --> 00:30:34,665 No, it's fine. 339 00:30:34,875 --> 00:30:36,918 You know, once upon a time... 340 00:30:37,127 --> 00:30:39,712 I had a little bunny rabbit. 341 00:30:39,880 --> 00:30:44,759 His name was Teddy. He looked real cute nibblin' on Angela's ear. 342 00:30:44,968 --> 00:30:48,221 But you're no bunny rabbit, and picturing you do it... 343 00:30:48,430 --> 00:30:52,141 really fuckin' razzes me. 344 00:30:52,351 --> 00:30:54,602 But don't let me stop you. 345 00:30:54,811 --> 00:30:56,729 Nibble, Teddy. 346 00:30:56,939 --> 00:30:59,607 If this is some kind of... 347 00:30:59,816 --> 00:31:01,609 weird voodoo thing... 348 00:31:01,818 --> 00:31:05,321 and you want me to have sex with your wife, 349 00:31:05,531 --> 00:31:08,074 there's absolutely no way. 350 00:31:08,242 --> 00:31:10,910 Start nibblin', motherfucker! 351 00:31:11,078 --> 00:31:13,412 Now! Now! 352 00:31:13,622 --> 00:31:15,414 Oh. 353 00:31:15,624 --> 00:31:19,252 That's it. Hop like a bunny. 354 00:31:25,425 --> 00:31:27,301 Don't be shy. 355 00:31:30,973 --> 00:31:32,848 Good boy. 356 00:31:42,276 --> 00:31:44,569 What's the problem, Sparky? 357 00:31:44,778 --> 00:31:47,446 No whiz left in the cheese? 358 00:31:47,656 --> 00:31:51,701 Look, I'm not playing this game anymore. 359 00:31:51,910 --> 00:31:54,579 It'll be over soon. 360 00:31:54,788 --> 00:31:57,415 Then you can go home to Mommy, 361 00:31:57,624 --> 00:31:59,834 - Theodore. - Ted! 362 00:32:02,254 --> 00:32:04,755 The name's Ted. 363 00:32:04,965 --> 00:32:08,551 Yes, my mother did me the disservice of naming me Theodore, 364 00:32:08,719 --> 00:32:11,762 and I haven't a clue as to how you know that, because everybody who knows that... 365 00:32:11,972 --> 00:32:14,473 is thousands of fucking miles away. 366 00:32:14,641 --> 00:32:16,809 Have you any idea, 367 00:32:17,019 --> 00:32:20,396 the faintest idea, 368 00:32:20,606 --> 00:32:25,484 what it's like to arrive at school and find yourself surrounded by the maladjusted? 369 00:32:27,779 --> 00:32:29,697 And there you stand. 370 00:32:30,949 --> 00:32:34,076 Little Lord Fauntleroy. 371 00:32:34,286 --> 00:32:37,913 Ever worn a bonnet? Give it a try sometime. 372 00:32:38,081 --> 00:32:41,250 So shoot me now, 373 00:32:41,460 --> 00:32:44,629 because no one is ever... 374 00:32:44,838 --> 00:32:48,758 going to call me... Theodore again, 375 00:32:49,009 --> 00:32:50,968 let alone... 376 00:32:51,136 --> 00:32:53,471 Theo... 377 00:32:53,639 --> 00:32:55,514 the Thumper. 378 00:33:04,316 --> 00:33:06,233 Wow. 379 00:33:14,368 --> 00:33:16,744 Sigfried. 380 00:33:19,748 --> 00:33:21,832 What? 381 00:33:22,918 --> 00:33:24,835 That's my name. 382 00:33:25,921 --> 00:33:28,005 - Sigfried. - Sigfried? 383 00:33:30,384 --> 00:33:32,635 Nice to meet ya. 384 00:33:32,886 --> 00:33:35,054 νery impressive, 385 00:33:35,263 --> 00:33:37,098 Ted. 386 00:33:37,307 --> 00:33:40,601 - Thank you. - It's a deal, kid. 387 00:33:40,811 --> 00:33:44,397 Ted it will be. 388 00:33:44,606 --> 00:33:47,608 Whew. 389 00:33:59,329 --> 00:34:01,580 Hmm? 390 00:34:04,626 --> 00:34:07,086 My heart! Aah! 391 00:34:09,423 --> 00:34:13,592 My... nitro pills in the bathroom! Quick! 392 00:34:22,519 --> 00:34:24,353 Hurry! 393 00:34:24,521 --> 00:34:29,316 Next to the condoms! They may be in my medicine bag! 394 00:34:30,402 --> 00:34:32,236 This is it! 395 00:34:32,446 --> 00:34:36,282 Oh, this is the big one, Angie! 396 00:34:36,491 --> 00:34:38,951 Dear God! 397 00:34:39,119 --> 00:34:43,038 Someone turn on the lights! 398 00:34:44,791 --> 00:34:48,252 - Nitro. Nitro. Nitro. - Oh, baby, I got the chills! 399 00:34:48,462 --> 00:34:52,673 I can't feel my leg! It's fucked up! 400 00:34:56,970 --> 00:35:00,723 Nitro! Where's the fuckin' white lightning? 401 00:35:00,932 --> 00:35:03,601 Can't live without my... 402 00:35:03,810 --> 00:35:05,686 Ooh! 403 00:35:09,357 --> 00:35:11,358 Help me! 404 00:35:11,568 --> 00:35:16,238 - No time to take a leak! I'm dyin', here! - Help! Help! 405 00:35:16,448 --> 00:35:28,584 Help me! 406 00:35:40,972 --> 00:35:42,890 Good evening. 407 00:35:45,894 --> 00:35:48,103 Ah. 408 00:36:03,995 --> 00:36:05,996 I'm stuck in a situation here... 409 00:36:06,164 --> 00:36:09,291 which I couldn't possibly begin to explain. 410 00:36:09,501 --> 00:36:12,711 What I was wondering: Do you think you could, uh, 411 00:36:12,879 --> 00:36:15,548 call the police, sir? 412 00:36:15,757 --> 00:36:18,968 Are you all right, sir? Sir? 413 00:36:19,177 --> 00:36:21,095 Ice. 414 00:36:46,371 --> 00:36:48,956 Yoo-hoo. Sigfried. 415 00:36:53,044 --> 00:36:56,755 Oh, my God! Sigfried! 416 00:36:56,923 --> 00:36:58,883 Angela! 417 00:37:04,723 --> 00:37:08,475 Ohh! Ohh! 418 00:37:10,562 --> 00:37:12,396 Where is the fucking nitro? 419 00:37:12,564 --> 00:37:14,481 - Couldn't find it. - What do you mean, you couldn't find it? 420 00:37:14,691 --> 00:37:16,483 Untie me! I'll find it! 421 00:37:16,693 --> 00:37:19,236 It's your fault he's so upset! Now he's dying! 422 00:37:19,404 --> 00:37:21,780 I'll get some help! 423 00:37:21,990 --> 00:37:23,782 Aah! 424 00:37:23,992 --> 00:37:27,411 I tie a pretty good knot, don't I, Ted? 425 00:37:27,621 --> 00:37:30,456 Sigfried! 426 00:37:30,665 --> 00:37:34,835 Thank God, you're okay! 427 00:37:36,004 --> 00:37:38,505 You bastard. 428 00:37:39,758 --> 00:37:42,801 Aw, honey. 429 00:37:43,011 --> 00:37:48,390 Don't get mad. It was just a little test, and I'm glad that I did it, because now I know... 430 00:37:48,558 --> 00:37:50,476 you love me forever, 431 00:37:50,644 --> 00:37:52,895 truly... 432 00:37:53,104 --> 00:37:54,897 and deeply. 433 00:37:55,106 --> 00:37:57,524 If the simple fact that I didn't want your bloated, dead body... 434 00:37:57,734 --> 00:38:02,363 lying out on the floor is love, then no wonder we find ourselves as we are at this very moment. 435 00:38:02,572 --> 00:38:07,743 Oh, no. I heard genuine care in your voice. Can't be denied, can it, Ted? 436 00:38:07,953 --> 00:38:10,245 I think you're right, 437 00:38:10,455 --> 00:38:13,958 and if you just keep this kind of open dialogue going, 438 00:38:14,167 --> 00:38:16,835 I think you'll go a long way to resolving this misunderstanding. 439 00:38:17,003 --> 00:38:20,464 You'd be surprised what happens if people just listen... 440 00:38:20,674 --> 00:38:23,926 without succumbing to all that pain and anger. 441 00:38:24,135 --> 00:38:28,263 You heard shit, monkey boy. Easy for you to say after you fuck another man's wife. 442 00:38:28,473 --> 00:38:31,141 You should at least have the guts to stand behind... 443 00:38:31,351 --> 00:38:33,435 your convictions. 444 00:38:33,603 --> 00:38:37,189 She's lying, Sigfried. I swear to God. 445 00:38:37,399 --> 00:38:40,359 You know, when I think of all the times you were inside me... 446 00:38:40,568 --> 00:38:42,945 promising me a better life, it makes me wanna puke. 447 00:38:46,157 --> 00:38:48,575 Why are you doing this to me? 448 00:38:49,911 --> 00:38:53,831 What have I ever done to you people? 449 00:38:53,999 --> 00:38:56,333 What didn't you do, stick man? 450 00:38:56,543 --> 00:39:00,796 Unfortunately, you don't have the balls to back up the actions of your huge cock. 451 00:39:01,006 --> 00:39:03,882 No, no, no. 452 00:39:04,092 --> 00:39:07,386 He's got a huge cock? 453 00:39:07,595 --> 00:39:10,556 Oh, no, no, no, no. 454 00:39:10,765 --> 00:39:13,475 - Show it to me. - It's not that big. 455 00:39:13,685 --> 00:39:18,147 Put it this way: God made up for what he did to Gumby with Teddy here. 456 00:39:18,356 --> 00:39:20,482 Show it to me! 457 00:39:20,692 --> 00:39:24,194 Show him your cock, Theodore. 458 00:39:24,362 --> 00:39:27,531 Please stop talking about his cock! 459 00:39:27,741 --> 00:39:31,326 Well, it's hard to stop talking about something that's so huge. 460 00:39:31,536 --> 00:39:35,039 I mean, I could go on and on about his cock, 461 00:39:35,248 --> 00:39:37,041 his bone, 462 00:39:37,250 --> 00:39:39,168 - his knob, - Shh. 463 00:39:39,377 --> 00:39:41,795 His bishop, 464 00:39:42,005 --> 00:39:46,925 wang, thang, rod, hot rod, humpmobile, 465 00:39:47,135 --> 00:39:48,927 Oscar, dong, dagger, banana, 466 00:39:49,137 --> 00:39:51,221 Cucumber, salami, 467 00:39:51,431 --> 00:39:54,516 sausage, kielbasa, schlong, 468 00:39:54,726 --> 00:39:57,853 dink, tool, Big Ben, Mr. Happy, peter, 469 00:39:58,063 --> 00:40:01,190 Pecker, pee-pee, wee-wee, wiener, pisser, pistol, joint, hose, horn, 470 00:40:01,399 --> 00:40:03,192 middle leg, third leg, meat, 471 00:40:03,359 --> 00:40:06,236 Stick, joystick, dipstick, 472 00:40:06,446 --> 00:40:08,447 one-eyed wonder, Junior, little head, 473 00:40:08,656 --> 00:40:11,241 Little guy, Rumple Foreskin, Tootsie Roll, 474 00:40:11,451 --> 00:40:13,368 love muscle, skin flute, 475 00:40:13,578 --> 00:40:16,872 Roto-Rooter, snake... 476 00:40:17,040 --> 00:40:18,832 Please don't go! 477 00:40:21,211 --> 00:40:23,420 Hammer, rammer, Spammer, 478 00:40:23,630 --> 00:40:26,465 bazooka, rubber, chubby, sticky, stubby. 479 00:40:27,842 --> 00:40:30,260 Hey, do you know where room 404 is, man, 480 00:40:30,470 --> 00:40:32,721 'cause I was up at this party, and... 481 00:40:32,931 --> 00:40:36,600 I have absolutely no idea! 482 00:40:36,810 --> 00:40:39,353 Oh. 483 00:40:42,816 --> 00:40:45,275 Schmeck, schmuck, schvantz, ying-yang, yang... 484 00:40:45,443 --> 00:40:47,820 - Whoa! I'm Theodore. - What? 485 00:40:48,029 --> 00:40:50,114 Well, you're right on time, Theodore. 486 00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:52,157 Let's not beleaguer the fact... 487 00:40:52,367 --> 00:40:54,409 that you have no sense of timing. 488 00:40:54,619 --> 00:40:57,037 The fact is... 489 00:40:57,247 --> 00:41:00,541 You're here. 490 00:41:29,904 --> 00:41:32,823 Front desk. 491 00:41:33,032 --> 00:41:36,535 Bottle of champagne. Fast. 492 00:41:48,882 --> 00:41:51,717 Stand still. 493 00:41:51,926 --> 00:41:54,803 I said stand still. You're gonna ruin your suit. 494 00:41:55,013 --> 00:41:57,139 Come here. Come here. 495 00:41:57,348 --> 00:41:59,516 Gimme that. 496 00:41:59,726 --> 00:42:01,727 Let me see. 497 00:42:04,689 --> 00:42:07,900 There. There, you see? You see? 498 00:42:08,109 --> 00:42:12,487 Huh? You look good with your hair back like this. 499 00:42:12,697 --> 00:42:15,324 Like me. Like me. 500 00:42:15,533 --> 00:42:18,702 Not down and to the side, all stupid... 501 00:42:18,912 --> 00:42:20,829 like your mother likes to comb it. 502 00:42:21,039 --> 00:42:23,874 No. No. 503 00:42:24,042 --> 00:42:26,460 - Like this. - Ow. 504 00:42:46,564 --> 00:42:48,482 Gimme this. 505 00:42:50,985 --> 00:42:53,904 Impossible. 506 00:42:54,113 --> 00:42:57,282 You've got your mother's hair. You can't do anything with it. 507 00:42:58,952 --> 00:43:01,703 There. Go. Go. 508 00:43:03,998 --> 00:43:07,334 How did you get your hair in such a tangled mess, huh? 509 00:43:09,837 --> 00:43:12,547 There. Go. Finished. 510 00:43:16,135 --> 00:43:18,679 Are we gonna have fun tonight? 511 00:43:24,644 --> 00:43:26,645 I didn't think so. 512 00:43:37,865 --> 00:43:39,866 Hey. 513 00:43:41,411 --> 00:43:43,287 What about leaving the kids here? 514 00:43:43,496 --> 00:43:45,706 - Hmm? - Here in the room, all by themselves? 515 00:43:45,915 --> 00:43:48,500 No, with the television. 516 00:43:48,710 --> 00:43:50,627 Hmm? 517 00:43:58,344 --> 00:44:00,595 You wanna have fun tonight, don't you? 518 00:44:01,931 --> 00:44:03,724 Yes. 519 00:44:03,933 --> 00:44:05,767 Give it to me. Give it to me. 520 00:44:05,977 --> 00:44:07,894 Give it to me. 521 00:44:18,906 --> 00:44:22,034 Hey. 522 00:44:22,201 --> 00:44:24,619 You kids are gonna stay here watching TV. 523 00:44:26,706 --> 00:44:29,916 I want you to be in bed and asleep before 12:00. 524 00:44:30,084 --> 00:44:34,004 - Twelve. - Your mother and I will be back later on, 525 00:44:34,213 --> 00:44:36,089 maybe. 526 00:44:37,759 --> 00:44:40,802 Don't misbehave. 527 00:44:58,279 --> 00:45:02,324 Why did we have to get all dressed up if we're not going with them? 528 00:45:02,533 --> 00:45:04,868 I don't know. 529 00:45:12,126 --> 00:45:14,753 - What are you doing? - I'm escaping. 530 00:45:14,921 --> 00:45:17,047 It stinks in here anyway. 531 00:45:17,256 --> 00:45:19,132 What did I say? 532 00:45:24,764 --> 00:45:26,556 Behave. 533 00:45:26,724 --> 00:45:28,809 Yes, Papa. 534 00:45:29,018 --> 00:45:31,186 The champagne you ordered, sir. 535 00:45:32,271 --> 00:45:34,815 Too late. Leave it on ice. 536 00:45:35,024 --> 00:45:36,817 But I want some now. 537 00:45:37,026 --> 00:45:38,902 There'll be plenty for you at the party, baby. 538 00:45:39,112 --> 00:45:42,114 You can bomb yourself all you want at the party. 539 00:45:42,281 --> 00:45:45,367 Put it down. Put it down. 540 00:45:50,998 --> 00:45:53,333 All right. 541 00:45:53,543 --> 00:45:57,796 - You want 500 bucks? - Sure. 542 00:45:58,005 --> 00:46:01,466 - How about three? - Three hundred dollars? 543 00:46:01,676 --> 00:46:03,468 - Yeah. - Three's fine. 544 00:46:03,678 --> 00:46:07,931 Good. My children are staying here tonight watching TV. 545 00:46:08,141 --> 00:46:11,935 I want you to check up on them every 30 minutes. 546 00:46:12,145 --> 00:46:14,563 - Check up on them? - Yeah, make sure they're all right. 547 00:46:14,772 --> 00:46:17,441 Make sure they're fed. Make sure they go to bed. You know, these things. 548 00:46:17,650 --> 00:46:20,277 Sir, I can send out for a baby-sitting service. 549 00:46:20,486 --> 00:46:23,530 No. I don't trust baby-sitters. 550 00:46:23,739 --> 00:46:25,866 My children are safer alone... 551 00:46:26,075 --> 00:46:28,118 than with some fucked-up pedophile baby-sitter... 552 00:46:28,327 --> 00:46:30,245 I don't know from the man in the fucking moon. 553 00:46:30,455 --> 00:46:34,583 What about him? What makes you think you can trust him? 554 00:46:36,002 --> 00:46:39,045 Tell me that's not a face you can trust. 555 00:46:39,255 --> 00:46:41,882 I'd love to help you with your problem, sir, 556 00:46:42,091 --> 00:46:45,385 but unfortunately I'm here alone tonight. 557 00:46:45,595 --> 00:46:48,263 Hmm. 558 00:46:50,725 --> 00:46:55,187 One hundred, two hundred, three hundred. 559 00:46:55,396 --> 00:46:57,564 Here you are. 560 00:46:57,773 --> 00:47:00,484 - I thought you said 500. - No, I said 300. 561 00:47:00,693 --> 00:47:03,320 No, sir. I distinctly heard you say 500. 562 00:47:03,529 --> 00:47:06,156 - Are you calling me a liar? - No, sir. 563 00:47:06,365 --> 00:47:08,867 What I'm saying is that you accidentally forgot that the first thing you said... 564 00:47:09,076 --> 00:47:12,871 But what I last said was 300, and what you say last is what counts. 565 00:47:13,039 --> 00:47:17,584 - Well, then, if you say 500 one last time, we have a deal. - You fucking with me, pendejo? 566 00:47:17,793 --> 00:47:21,338 No, sir, but I'm by myself, 567 00:47:21,547 --> 00:47:24,049 and looking after your kids is a pain in the ass I don't need. 568 00:47:24,258 --> 00:47:26,218 Are you calling my kids a pain in the ass? 569 00:47:26,427 --> 00:47:29,554 Why, no, sir, not the kids. 570 00:47:29,722 --> 00:47:33,016 It's the situation that is a pain in the ass. 571 00:47:33,226 --> 00:47:36,770 No, you were right the first time. They're a pain in the ass. 572 00:47:36,979 --> 00:47:39,356 All right. You win, tough guy. Five hundred. 573 00:47:39,565 --> 00:47:42,067 You kids are getting expensive. 574 00:47:42,276 --> 00:47:44,528 What's your name? 575 00:47:44,737 --> 00:47:47,072 Ted. 576 00:47:47,240 --> 00:47:49,407 If you need anything, just dial zero and ask for Ted. 577 00:47:51,619 --> 00:47:54,538 - And make sure they're in bed before midnight. - Before midnight? 578 00:47:54,747 --> 00:47:57,123 Then should I wake them up for the countdown to the New Year? 579 00:47:57,333 --> 00:48:00,335 No. 580 00:48:00,545 --> 00:48:03,129 If something happens to my children... 581 00:48:08,886 --> 00:48:11,513 I wouldn't want to be you. 582 00:48:14,183 --> 00:48:16,142 Don't misbehave. 583 00:48:18,813 --> 00:48:21,523 Let's get out of here. 584 00:48:49,844 --> 00:48:52,095 Okay. 585 00:48:52,305 --> 00:48:54,556 These are the rules. 586 00:48:54,765 --> 00:48:58,393 Don't break the rules and I won't break your necks. 587 00:49:00,855 --> 00:49:02,939 I always wanted to say that. 588 00:49:03,149 --> 00:49:05,567 Someone said that to me when I was a kid. 589 00:49:07,194 --> 00:49:09,738 Only they weren't joking. 590 00:49:11,532 --> 00:49:13,325 The rules are simple: 591 00:49:13,534 --> 00:49:16,286 Don't do anything you wouldn't do if your parents were here. 592 00:49:16,495 --> 00:49:19,497 If there's an emergency, call me on the phone like your dad said. Thank you. 593 00:49:19,707 --> 00:49:25,337 That's not what he said. He said to call you if we need anything. 594 00:49:25,546 --> 00:49:28,673 Well, I have a lot of work to do, and I can't have you calling me... 595 00:49:28,841 --> 00:49:30,675 every time you want a glass of water, so please, 596 00:49:30,885 --> 00:49:33,053 try and limit your calls to emergencies only. 597 00:49:33,262 --> 00:49:36,181 - Thank you. - We paid you $500. 598 00:49:36,390 --> 00:49:40,185 We'll call you if we need anything. 599 00:49:40,394 --> 00:49:42,437 You don't wanna get my dad mad. 600 00:49:44,815 --> 00:49:49,027 Oh. Well, try and call only when necessary. 601 00:49:49,236 --> 00:49:51,529 Watch TV, and if you're good, 602 00:49:51,739 --> 00:49:53,823 I'll bring you up some milk and cookies. 603 00:49:55,576 --> 00:49:57,786 Bye, now. 604 00:50:18,599 --> 00:50:21,184 Your feet stink. 605 00:50:22,603 --> 00:50:25,605 They don't stink. 606 00:50:30,444 --> 00:50:32,821 Check it out! T and A! 607 00:50:34,281 --> 00:50:36,282 Change it. You're not supposed to watch this. 608 00:50:36,492 --> 00:50:39,744 - We're supposed to watch TV. - Not this kind of TV. 609 00:50:39,954 --> 00:50:41,871 Change it. 610 00:50:43,791 --> 00:50:45,750 Leave me alone. Ouch. 611 00:50:45,918 --> 00:50:47,877 Ouch. 612 00:51:00,975 --> 00:51:02,767 Front desk. 613 00:51:02,977 --> 00:51:05,895 - Ted? - What did I tell you? 614 00:51:06,105 --> 00:51:09,315 Don't bother me and you'll get milk and cookies. Now, do you want them or do you not? 615 00:51:09,483 --> 00:51:12,444 I want you to turn off the nudie station in our room. 616 00:51:12,653 --> 00:51:15,613 I cannot turn on an adult station without the express permission of your parents. 617 00:51:15,823 --> 00:51:18,992 No, not turn it on. Turn it off. 618 00:51:19,160 --> 00:51:21,995 - It's already on. - Whoa. 619 00:51:22,163 --> 00:51:24,330 That's not what the machine tells me. 620 00:51:24,540 --> 00:51:27,375 Well, stop listening to the machine and listen to me. 621 00:51:27,585 --> 00:51:31,463 There's naked ladies dancing on my TV, and I want 'em off. 622 00:51:31,672 --> 00:51:35,008 Like I said, I'll be up later to put you both to sleep. 623 00:51:35,217 --> 00:51:37,469 Bye. 624 00:51:37,678 --> 00:51:40,388 Change the channel now! 625 00:51:44,810 --> 00:51:47,896 Man, you're the one with the stinking feet. 626 00:51:56,697 --> 00:51:58,823 They don't stink. 627 00:51:59,033 --> 00:52:01,868 - Yeah, they do. - No, they don't. 628 00:52:02,077 --> 00:52:04,746 Here, smell for yourself. 629 00:52:06,457 --> 00:52:33,066 Go ahead. 630 00:52:51,877 --> 00:52:54,754 Get a bottle opener. 631 00:53:08,561 --> 00:53:11,771 Don't shake it. 632 00:53:14,567 --> 00:53:17,902 - Front desk. - Ted? Hi, it's me, Sarah. 633 00:53:18,112 --> 00:53:23,074 Who died? No one? Good. Then don't call me. 634 00:53:23,242 --> 00:53:26,870 I just thought I'd tell you that your cleaning ladies are doing a bum job. 635 00:53:27,037 --> 00:53:31,249 There's all kinds of leftover stuff here: Needles and things. 636 00:53:31,458 --> 00:53:33,251 We're not supposed to have needles, are we? 637 00:53:33,460 --> 00:53:35,962 I mean, they don't come with the room, do they? 638 00:53:36,171 --> 00:53:38,464 Send someone up here to clean this place up right. 639 00:53:39,967 --> 00:53:42,051 I told you not to shake it! 640 00:53:42,261 --> 00:53:46,431 I gotta go. My dumb brother just exploded the champagne all over the room. 641 00:53:46,599 --> 00:53:49,851 Oh, and bring us up a couple of toothbrushes. 642 00:53:50,060 --> 00:53:51,436 There's a card in the bathroom that says 643 00:53:51,645 --> 00:53:54,230 you'll bring us free toothbrushes if we ask for them. 644 00:53:57,151 --> 00:53:59,944 I'm calling a room. Give me three numbers. 645 00:54:00,154 --> 00:54:04,032 Four... zero... nine. 646 00:54:08,120 --> 00:54:10,121 - Hello? - What? 647 00:54:10,331 --> 00:54:12,790 Hi. You don't know me, and I don't know you either, 648 00:54:12,958 --> 00:54:14,626 but do you have any needles? 649 00:54:14,835 --> 00:54:18,421 We have needles here, and I was wondering if they come with the room or not. 650 00:54:18,631 --> 00:54:20,798 We ain't got no needles here, kid. 651 00:54:21,008 --> 00:54:23,635 - No? - Just a big fuckin' gun. 652 00:54:23,844 --> 00:54:25,803 Just checking. 653 00:55:19,358 --> 00:55:23,236 This is the bull's-eye. It's worth 100 points. 654 00:55:23,404 --> 00:55:26,322 This is worth ten points. This is worth 20 points. 655 00:55:26,532 --> 00:55:31,411 This is worth... Hey, wait 'til I get out of the way! 656 00:55:33,580 --> 00:55:36,833 This is how an expert throws it. 657 00:55:40,754 --> 00:55:45,008 Hello, kiddie-winkies. I brought your milk and cookies. 658 00:55:45,217 --> 00:55:48,219 You're going to have to eat them now, because... 659 00:55:48,429 --> 00:55:50,847 you're going to sleep. 660 00:55:51,056 --> 00:55:52,849 We have to go to sleep now? 661 00:55:53,058 --> 00:55:55,727 Your parents said to put you to bed before midnight. 662 00:55:55,936 --> 00:55:58,062 Well... Tsk, tsk, tsk. 663 00:55:58,272 --> 00:56:02,525 Maybe this way you'll leave me alone. 664 00:56:02,735 --> 00:56:04,694 Those aren't milk and cookies. 665 00:56:04,903 --> 00:56:06,821 Well, we ran out of cookies, 666 00:56:07,031 --> 00:56:09,907 so I brought you milk and saltines. 667 00:56:10,117 --> 00:56:13,036 Now, don't complain. Hurry up and eat. You're going to bed. 668 00:56:13,245 --> 00:56:15,204 They're old. 669 00:56:15,414 --> 00:56:19,792 Dip them in the milk. The milk will make them soft. 670 00:56:27,176 --> 00:56:29,427 No crackers? 671 00:56:29,636 --> 00:56:33,056 Sleepy time. Now, I don't want you wandering around, 672 00:56:33,265 --> 00:56:35,183 so if you need the rest room... 673 00:57:08,675 --> 00:57:10,468 What about our pajamas? 674 00:57:10,677 --> 00:57:12,929 You wanna look nice in case there's an earthquake, don't you? 675 00:57:13,138 --> 00:57:15,932 - Yeah. - Well, then, stay in those clothes. 676 00:57:16,141 --> 00:57:18,768 This is some Mentholatum ointment. 677 00:57:18,977 --> 00:57:22,772 Now, under the covers and close your eyes, and I'll tell you a story. 678 00:57:22,981 --> 00:57:25,316 Your dad says he hates baby-sitters, doesn't trust 'em. 679 00:57:25,526 --> 00:57:27,652 Well, can't say I blame him, really. 680 00:57:27,861 --> 00:57:30,154 You know what my baby-sitter did to me when I was a kid? 681 00:57:31,406 --> 00:57:33,199 I used to hate going to sleep. 682 00:57:33,408 --> 00:57:36,119 You know, when it's late, you wanna get up, run around, go crazy. 683 00:57:36,328 --> 00:57:38,955 Well, what my baby-sitter used to do to me... 684 00:57:39,164 --> 00:57:41,999 to make sure I'd stay in bed, not be tempted to get up, 685 00:57:42,209 --> 00:57:45,253 was she'd take some of this vapor rub ointment... 686 00:57:48,465 --> 00:57:51,175 And she'd dab a little on each eyelid... 687 00:57:51,385 --> 00:57:54,846 just to make sure I'd stay put. 688 00:57:55,055 --> 00:57:58,099 There. Now you have some too. 689 00:57:58,308 --> 00:58:02,186 Don't open your eyes or it'll burn, burn, burn. 690 00:58:02,396 --> 00:58:04,188 - What about in the morning? - Well, if you keep... 691 00:58:04,398 --> 00:58:08,693 your eyes shut tight all night, it'll wear off by morning, but don't open them before then. 692 00:58:08,902 --> 00:58:10,736 Did you ever open your eyes? 693 00:58:10,946 --> 00:58:14,198 Yes, I did, and look at me now. 694 00:58:14,408 --> 00:58:17,660 - We can't. - Exactly. Good. 695 00:58:19,913 --> 00:58:21,706 You'll do fine. 696 00:58:21,915 --> 00:58:25,042 Sleep tight all night... 697 00:58:25,252 --> 00:58:28,296 and I won't tell your parents about the champagne. 698 00:58:31,550 --> 00:58:33,426 Good night. 699 00:59:25,437 --> 00:59:27,730 Are you watching TV? 700 00:59:27,940 --> 00:59:33,027 Yep. If you wanna watch, you better go wash your face. 701 00:59:40,118 --> 00:59:42,245 - Unh! - Be careful. 702 00:59:43,664 --> 00:59:46,040 Gimme that! 703 01:00:03,141 --> 01:00:06,143 Ah. 704 01:00:06,353 --> 01:00:08,980 Hey, what are you doing? 705 01:00:27,958 --> 01:00:30,001 Shut up. 706 01:00:30,210 --> 01:00:32,795 You! Shut up! Shut up! 707 01:00:37,884 --> 01:00:40,553 - Ted! - What do you want now, for Christ sakes? Who died? 708 01:00:40,721 --> 01:00:42,680 I don't know, but she's in my bed. 709 01:00:42,889 --> 01:00:45,683 - What? - There's a dead body in my bed. 710 01:00:45,892 --> 01:00:48,019 Nonsense! That's just your brother sound asleep! 711 01:00:48,228 --> 01:00:52,356 No! There's a woman's dead body inside the bed in the mattress. 712 01:00:52,566 --> 01:00:54,900 - You saw the body? - Yes! 713 01:00:55,110 --> 01:00:58,571 Impossible! You've got the ointment on your eyes. 714 01:00:58,780 --> 01:01:02,450 Ya can't see shit! Now go to sleep! 715 01:01:05,454 --> 01:01:08,080 - Go to sleep! - I washed it off. 716 01:01:08,290 --> 01:01:12,168 - The Mentholatum? - Yeah. Didn't you ever think to do that? 717 01:01:13,837 --> 01:01:16,005 Get your ass up here and call the police, 718 01:01:16,214 --> 01:01:19,842 because there's a dead body in my bed, and it smells like shit, and it looks even worse. 719 01:01:20,052 --> 01:01:22,720 If you don't help us, my dad is going to lay you down right next to her, 720 01:01:22,929 --> 01:01:25,306 I swear to fucking God! 721 01:01:25,515 --> 01:01:27,600 I am coming up there right this minute! 722 01:01:27,809 --> 01:01:31,437 If there is no dead body in that room by the time I get up there, I'm gonna make one! 723 01:01:31,646 --> 01:01:33,606 You... 724 01:01:33,815 --> 01:01:36,233 Little bitch. 725 01:01:38,945 --> 01:01:40,821 Ah, shit! 726 01:02:04,012 --> 01:02:05,763 Cover it up. Cover it up. 727 01:02:10,852 --> 01:02:12,895 Thank you. 728 01:02:24,199 --> 01:02:27,451 Jesus Christ! What the fuck is going on here? 729 01:02:27,661 --> 01:02:29,829 Your parents are on their way up here. 730 01:02:30,038 --> 01:02:33,624 And I am not taking responsibility for this mess! 731 01:02:33,834 --> 01:02:37,503 - Check under the mattress. - For what? 732 01:02:37,712 --> 01:02:41,048 - For the body. Can't you smell it? - It's your feet. 733 01:02:49,516 --> 01:02:52,768 Fucking Christ! What the fuck is that? 734 01:02:57,691 --> 01:03:00,109 Police! It's an emergency! 735 01:03:06,533 --> 01:03:10,327 Police! Get someone over here right fucking now. 736 01:03:10,537 --> 01:03:14,206 - There's a dead whore stuffed in the mattress! - Don't call her that. 737 01:03:14,416 --> 01:03:17,710 Shut up! I'm dead fucking serious. 738 01:03:17,878 --> 01:03:22,256 - There's a dead fucking whore stuffed... - Stop calling her that! 739 01:03:22,466 --> 01:03:25,259 In the fucking bed! 740 01:03:27,345 --> 01:03:28,804 Fuck! 741 01:03:49,576 --> 01:03:52,995 If your pad is a wax museum 742 01:03:57,250 --> 01:03:59,752 The young and exotic 743 01:03:59,920 --> 01:04:01,921 Following a millionaire 744 01:04:02,130 --> 01:04:06,425 A glass and a shaker 745 01:04:06,635 --> 01:04:09,386 Our host is a real scene maker 746 01:04:09,596 --> 01:04:27,196 The millionaire's holiday 747 01:04:31,952 --> 01:04:33,994 Did they misbehave? 748 01:05:00,772 --> 01:05:04,692 Emergency? 749 01:05:04,901 --> 01:05:09,113 Just... 750 01:05:19,833 --> 01:05:21,625 Happy New Year. 751 01:05:21,835 --> 01:05:25,754 - Let me speak to Betty. - Uh, party's over. She probably went home. 752 01:05:25,964 --> 01:05:30,801 - She lives there! - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know her. 753 01:05:31,011 --> 01:05:33,679 Well, then get her on the phone. Tell her it's an emergency. 754 01:05:33,930 --> 01:05:36,682 Who... Who should I say is calling? 755 01:05:36,933 --> 01:05:39,310 You tell her it's Teddy from work on the phone. 756 01:05:39,477 --> 01:05:42,479 I got some major fucking emergency. 757 01:05:42,647 --> 01:05:45,399 Hi, Ted. I'm Margaret. 758 01:05:45,609 --> 01:05:48,569 You sound down. Has this not been the happiest of New Years? 759 01:05:48,778 --> 01:05:52,615 No, Margaret. This hasn't been my happiest New Year. 760 01:05:52,824 --> 01:05:55,618 This one's starting off pretty fucking badly. 761 01:05:55,827 --> 01:05:58,829 - Aw, how come? - Well, Betty... 762 01:05:59,039 --> 01:06:02,833 leaves me here all by myself, and first thing right off the bat, 763 01:06:03,043 --> 01:06:04,835 I'm fucked by a coven of witches. 764 01:06:05,045 --> 01:06:07,796 You were fucked by an oven full of witches? 765 01:06:08,048 --> 01:06:12,468 A coven of witches! Not an oven! 766 01:06:12,636 --> 01:06:14,928 Well, one witch in particular. 767 01:06:15,138 --> 01:06:19,850 Was she an old hag with a mole on her face with hair growing out of it? 768 01:06:20,060 --> 01:06:21,685 No, no, she was very beautiful. 769 01:06:21,895 --> 01:06:27,316 Ted? What's the problem? 770 01:06:27,525 --> 01:06:32,363 Well, admittedly, that was the best part of the evening. 771 01:06:32,572 --> 01:06:35,407 It was pretty bloody good actually. 772 01:06:35,617 --> 01:06:39,161 But it's still a pretty unnerving way to start off the night. 773 01:06:39,371 --> 01:06:41,997 Sounds like a pretty great way to start off the night to me. 774 01:06:42,207 --> 01:06:45,542 - Why don't we just skip over the witches? - Skipping the witches. 775 01:06:45,752 --> 01:06:49,171 Right. Later, in another room, 776 01:06:49,381 --> 01:06:53,509 some crazy fucking maniac sticks a gun in my face... 777 01:06:53,718 --> 01:06:56,595 and forces me to play out some psychosexual drama with his wife. 778 01:06:56,763 --> 01:06:58,847 He made you have psycho sex with his wife? 779 01:06:59,057 --> 01:07:01,684 No, he didn't make me fuck his wife. He thought I fucked his wife. 780 01:07:01,893 --> 01:07:05,020 - He held me at gunpoint with a loaded gun! - What kind of gun was it? 781 01:07:05,230 --> 01:07:07,356 I don't know. I'm not a gun guy. It was big. 782 01:07:07,565 --> 01:07:11,568 - Was it like Dirty Harry's gun? - Yeah, sort of like that, yeah. 783 01:07:11,778 --> 01:07:14,488 Did it have a real long barrel or a short barrel? 784 01:07:14,698 --> 01:07:17,157 What difference does it make? 785 01:07:17,367 --> 01:07:21,745 Well, for one thing, it's a difference between a.44 Magnum and a Magnum.357. 786 01:07:21,955 --> 01:07:26,583 Who the fuck cares whether it was a .44 or a.392? It was a big fucking gun! 787 01:07:26,793 --> 01:07:29,628 It was loaded! And it was pointed right at my fucking head! 788 01:07:29,838 --> 01:07:34,299 - You wanna skip this part too? - I want you to get Betty on the phone right fucking now. 789 01:07:34,509 --> 01:07:39,054 Hold on. Anybody live here named... 790 01:07:39,264 --> 01:07:41,265 What's her name again? 791 01:07:41,474 --> 01:07:45,310 - Betty. - Betty! 792 01:07:45,478 --> 01:07:47,980 Whatcha screaming about? 793 01:07:48,189 --> 01:07:50,607 - You're Betty? - Yeah, I'm Betty. It's my fucking place. 794 01:07:50,817 --> 01:07:54,862 - Who the fuck are you? - I'm Margaret. And this is Ted. 795 01:07:58,616 --> 01:08:02,327 - You guys, wanna go to breakfast? - No. 796 01:08:02,537 --> 01:08:05,122 - Let's go to Denny's. - Later. 797 01:08:05,331 --> 01:08:10,252 - Okay, Ted, what's the problem? - Hello, Betty. 798 01:08:10,462 --> 01:08:13,589 "What's the problem?" I haven't got a problem. 799 01:08:13,798 --> 01:08:19,428 - I've got fucking problems. Plural. Wanna hear? - Sure. 800 01:08:19,637 --> 01:08:23,140 Well, most recently, there's room 309. 801 01:08:23,349 --> 01:08:27,728 There's this scary Mexican gangster dude pokin' his finger in my chest. 802 01:08:27,937 --> 01:08:31,023 There's his hooligan kids snapping their fingers at me. 803 01:08:31,232 --> 01:08:35,694 There's a putrid, rotting corpse of a dead whore stuffed in the springs of the bed. 804 01:08:35,904 --> 01:08:38,113 There's rooms blazing afire. 805 01:08:38,281 --> 01:08:40,657 There's a big fat needle from God knows where, 806 01:08:40,867 --> 01:08:43,660 stuck in my leg, infecting me with God knows what. 807 01:08:43,870 --> 01:08:47,664 And finally, there's me, walkin' out the door right fuckin' now. 808 01:08:47,874 --> 01:08:51,919 Buenas noches. 809 01:08:52,128 --> 01:08:56,131 - Is that the penthouse? - Yes, it is. 810 01:08:56,341 --> 01:08:57,966 It's the Chester Rush party. They want something. 811 01:08:58,176 --> 01:09:03,847 Well, tough titty. They're just gonna have to whistle, because I'm off. 812 01:09:04,057 --> 01:09:06,183 Now, Ted, wait a minute. I know you're freaked. 813 01:09:06,392 --> 01:09:08,602 I know you're stressed. You had a real bad night. 814 01:09:08,812 --> 01:09:14,399 Oh, yes, Betty. I've had a real bad night. 815 01:09:14,609 --> 01:09:18,278 The only thing I ask is that you take care of Chester Rush, and then you can leave. 816 01:09:18,488 --> 01:09:21,406 - I don't feel like it! - Ted, he's a very important guest of the hotel. 817 01:09:21,616 --> 01:09:23,408 In fact, he's the most important guest of the hotel. 818 01:09:23,618 --> 01:09:26,036 The Mon Signor used to be a haven for movie stars. 819 01:09:26,204 --> 01:09:28,413 Through the Thirties, Forties and first half of the Fifties, 820 01:09:28,623 --> 01:09:31,500 more movie stars, if you break it down on a night-by-night basis, 821 01:09:31,709 --> 01:09:34,002 stayed at the Mon Signor than any other hotel in Hollywood. 822 01:09:34,212 --> 01:09:36,004 Now, we had some hard times in the Eighties, 823 01:09:36,214 --> 01:09:38,173 even though we were the official hotel of Cannon Pictures, 824 01:09:38,383 --> 01:09:40,092 but we're comin' back strong in the Nineties. 825 01:09:40,301 --> 01:09:42,678 And a movie star clientele is important to that comeback. 826 01:09:42,887 --> 01:09:45,347 - Now, you look here... - He probably just wants some champagne. 827 01:09:45,557 --> 01:09:48,892 You can do that, can't you? Ted. Just take care of him. 828 01:09:49,102 --> 01:09:51,478 The entire staff of the Mon Signor is begging you. 829 01:09:51,688 --> 01:09:57,025 Okay. But you get your ass down here pronto! 830 01:09:57,235 --> 01:10:00,237 You're a good man, Ted. Thanks. 831 01:10:08,413 --> 01:10:13,083 Hello, Mr. Rush. Sorry for the delay. 832 01:10:13,293 --> 01:10:15,085 How can I help you? 833 01:10:30,143 --> 01:10:34,271 Get your skanky asses the fuck outta here! 834 01:10:56,878 --> 01:10:58,879 Room service. 835 01:11:01,716 --> 01:11:03,592 Hello, Theodore. 836 01:11:06,679 --> 01:11:11,058 - What the f-fuck are you doing here? - Havin' a drink. 837 01:11:11,267 --> 01:11:13,477 Is Sigfried here? 838 01:11:13,686 --> 01:11:16,480 Are you kidding? He'll probably be asleep 'til Christmas. 839 01:11:16,689 --> 01:11:18,815 Hey, everybody. The bellboy is here. 840 01:11:19,025 --> 01:11:22,569 - The bellboy's here! - Oh, my God! Shit! 841 01:11:22,779 --> 01:11:26,615 - Happy New Year! - Entra! Entra! 842 01:11:26,824 --> 01:11:29,451 Hey, bellboy! 843 01:11:32,246 --> 01:11:35,207 Mr. Rush, I'm sorry I'm late. 844 01:11:35,416 --> 01:11:37,751 But I, I think you'll find I have everything you need. 845 01:11:37,919 --> 01:11:42,172 No problema, el bellboy. No problema. 846 01:11:42,382 --> 01:11:45,342 - His name is Theodore. - Actually, it's not Theodore. It's Ted. 847 01:11:45,551 --> 01:11:49,137 - It's Ted, sir. - So, Ted, the bellboy, 848 01:11:49,347 --> 01:11:51,974 would you care for some champagne as I was saying? 849 01:11:52,183 --> 01:11:54,059 All right, that wasn't what I was saying. 850 01:11:54,268 --> 01:11:56,603 - But would you care for some champagne? - Um, I'm on duty, sir. 851 01:11:56,813 --> 01:12:00,273 Duty, smooty, come on. It's like Cristal. It's the very best they make. 852 01:12:00,441 --> 01:12:04,444 I didn't like champagne 'til I had Cristal. Now I love it. 853 01:12:04,654 --> 01:12:06,530 - Come on! - If I must, sir. 854 01:12:06,739 --> 01:12:09,408 - Yes. As I was saying, chin-chin. - Chin-chin. 855 01:12:09,617 --> 01:12:12,285 For our purposes, promptness is far behind thoroughness. 856 01:12:12,495 --> 01:12:15,622 Drink up, lad. 857 01:12:15,832 --> 01:12:17,749 - What do you say? - Ah, thank you, sir. 858 01:12:17,959 --> 01:12:20,585 No, not thank you. What do you say about the tasty beverage? 859 01:12:20,795 --> 01:12:22,671 Um, oh, it's very good. 860 01:12:22,839 --> 01:12:24,756 It's fucking good, Ted. Fucking good! 861 01:12:24,966 --> 01:12:26,800 - Let's try it again, shall we? - Got a light? 862 01:12:27,010 --> 01:12:29,219 Okay, so, Ted, what do you think about that tasty beverage? 863 01:12:29,429 --> 01:12:31,096 It's fucking good! 864 01:12:31,305 --> 01:12:34,599 It's fucking Cristal. Everything else is piss. 865 01:12:34,809 --> 01:12:36,977 Bellboy. Bellboy. Bellboy! 866 01:12:37,186 --> 01:12:40,313 Shut up. Shut up! Shh! Shut up! You're makin' my friend Ted nervous. 867 01:12:40,481 --> 01:12:43,942 Chill out, dude. Pay no attention to Norman here. 868 01:12:44,152 --> 01:12:46,945 He's just... That's from Quadrophenia. He's just fuckin' with you. 869 01:12:47,155 --> 01:12:49,948 Now me, personally, when I think of bellboy, 870 01:12:50,158 --> 01:12:52,951 I think of The Bellboy with Jerry Lewis. 871 01:12:53,119 --> 01:12:56,705 - Did you ever see that film, Ted? - Um... no, sir. 872 01:12:56,914 --> 01:12:59,332 Oh, you should. It's one of Jerry's better movies. 873 01:12:59,542 --> 01:13:02,002 He doesn't say a word through the entire film. 874 01:13:02,211 --> 01:13:05,338 It's a completely silent performance. 875 01:13:05,548 --> 01:13:07,799 Now how many actors can pull that off? 876 01:13:08,009 --> 01:13:11,803 I gotta tell you, that guy, he's gotta go to France to get respect. 877 01:13:12,013 --> 01:13:13,847 That says it all about America right there. 878 01:13:14,057 --> 01:13:16,892 Just that one little sentence says it all about America right there. 879 01:13:17,101 --> 01:13:20,020 The minute Jerry Lewis dies, every newspaper in this fuckin' country... 880 01:13:20,229 --> 01:13:22,481 is gonna be writin' articles callin' the man a genius. 881 01:13:22,690 --> 01:13:25,525 It's not right. It's not right and it's not fuckin' fair! 882 01:13:25,735 --> 01:13:30,197 But why should that surprise anybody? When the hell has America ever been fair? 883 01:13:30,406 --> 01:13:34,743 We might be right every once in awhile, but we're very rarely fair. 884 01:13:38,915 --> 01:13:41,958 Oh. Um... where shall I put this, sir? 885 01:13:44,253 --> 01:13:46,296 You in a hurry there, Ted? 886 01:13:46,506 --> 01:13:50,884 Uh, well, um... Not particularly. 887 01:13:51,094 --> 01:13:53,804 Good there! Okay, then gotta stop playin' "Beat the Clock." 888 01:13:54,013 --> 01:13:57,099 Okay. Let me introduce you to everybody. Now, see that girl over there? 889 01:13:57,308 --> 01:13:59,101 All right, that's our friend from downstairs. 890 01:13:59,310 --> 01:14:01,394 We just met her at the pool. You seem to be acquainted. 891 01:14:01,562 --> 01:14:04,022 Yeah, Theodore and I go way back, don't we, Theodore? 892 01:14:04,232 --> 01:14:06,358 Actually, the name's Ted, Angela. 893 01:14:06,567 --> 01:14:10,403 I only let people with loaded guns pointed at my head call me Theodore. 894 01:14:10,613 --> 01:14:13,323 The man sittin' in this chair with the Jim Beam in his hand, 895 01:14:13,533 --> 01:14:16,326 yellin' "Bellboy" at you is Norman. 896 01:14:16,536 --> 01:14:20,747 Norman, say hello to Ted. 897 01:14:20,957 --> 01:14:22,916 - What's up, Ted? - What's up, sir? 898 01:14:23,084 --> 01:14:26,837 And the sociable son of a bitch in that room over there is Leo. 899 01:14:27,046 --> 01:14:29,756 And the person on the other end of the phone is his lovely wife Ellen. 900 01:14:29,924 --> 01:14:32,092 - Leo! - What? 901 01:14:32,301 --> 01:14:34,427 - Say hello to Ted the bellboy. - Hold on a second. What? 902 01:14:34,637 --> 01:14:38,515 - Say hello to Ted the bellboy. - Here. Come here. 903 01:14:38,724 --> 01:14:42,561 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Leo, Leo, Leo, L-Leo, L-Leo! 904 01:14:42,770 --> 01:14:45,397 - Leo, that is Ted the bellboy. - That's me. 905 01:14:45,606 --> 01:14:48,275 The bellboy we called about 20, 25 minutes ago. 906 01:14:48,442 --> 01:14:51,236 Oh, Ted the bellboy. Well, my goodness. 907 01:14:51,445 --> 01:14:54,614 - Glad you could make it, chum. - Glad I could be here. 908 01:14:54,824 --> 01:14:57,659 Ellen, what does punctuality have to do with love? 909 01:14:57,869 --> 01:15:00,579 - Which brings me to me. - Could you explain that to me, please? 910 01:15:00,788 --> 01:15:04,624 Chester Rush, Ted. Pleased to meet ya. 911 01:15:04,834 --> 01:15:07,627 - I'm pleased to meet you, sir. - Oh, Chester. 912 01:15:07,837 --> 01:15:10,213 Not "sir." Chester. 913 01:15:10,423 --> 01:15:13,216 Chester? Oh, Chester. 914 01:15:13,426 --> 01:15:16,178 Um, terribly sorry I haven't seen the movie yet, sir, but... 915 01:15:16,387 --> 01:15:18,305 No worries. No worries at all. 916 01:15:18,514 --> 01:15:20,307 Don't worry. Don't be sorry about that. 917 01:15:20,516 --> 01:15:23,268 You know, it's just, that's why God invented video. No problem. 918 01:15:23,477 --> 01:15:25,645 - You got a point, sir. - But you know what? 919 01:15:25,855 --> 01:15:28,815 A lot of people did see it. Whole lot of motherfuckers saw that movie. 920 01:15:29,025 --> 01:15:30,817 - Didn't they? Didn't they? - A whole lot... 921 01:15:31,027 --> 01:15:35,906 Lot of motherfuckers saw The Wacky Detective. 922 01:15:37,158 --> 01:15:39,826 The Wacky Detective, sir. 923 01:15:40,036 --> 01:15:42,162 - Who drank out of this bottle last? - Uh? 924 01:15:42,371 --> 01:15:44,456 I said, "Who drank out of this bottle last?" 925 01:15:44,665 --> 01:15:45,999 What the fuck's wrong? 926 01:15:46,209 --> 01:15:48,335 It's fuckin' flat, man. That's what's fuckin' wrong. 927 01:15:48,544 --> 01:15:52,505 Goddamn Cristal is fuckin' flat. There ain't a goddamn bubble left in the fuckin' bottle, man. 928 01:15:52,715 --> 01:15:55,800 - Jesus Christ! What the fuck is goin' on here? - Chill out, man. 929 01:15:56,010 --> 01:15:58,845 Who fuckin'... Who... Fuck... Who didn't put the cork in the bottle? 930 01:15:59,055 --> 01:16:01,306 All right? Somebody! I didn't do this! 931 01:16:01,515 --> 01:16:03,391 I was drinkin' out of that other bottle there. 932 01:16:03,559 --> 01:16:05,602 Somebody didn't put the fuckin' cork in the bottle. Who didn't put it in? 933 01:16:05,811 --> 01:16:07,646 - Chester, do you want me to open another bottle of champ... - Who didn't put it in? 934 01:16:07,855 --> 01:16:09,731 Do you want me to open another bottle of champagne? 935 01:16:09,941 --> 01:16:11,733 No, don't you fuckin' open another bottle! 936 01:16:11,943 --> 01:16:14,069 I-I-I got enough right here. Fucking shit, man. 937 01:16:14,278 --> 01:16:16,363 God, we've opened enough fucking bottles! 938 01:16:16,572 --> 01:16:18,907 - Do you know how much this shit costs? No! You don't. - Yes, I do. 939 01:16:19,116 --> 01:16:21,076 No! You don't! No! You don't! 940 01:16:21,244 --> 01:16:25,705 'Cause it's fucking free, man. It's just fucking free to you fucking assholes. 941 01:16:25,915 --> 01:16:28,458 Shit. I give and I give and I give and I give and I give. 942 01:16:28,668 --> 01:16:33,046 What was I talkin' about? 943 01:16:33,256 --> 01:16:36,216 Um, you were saying that The Wacky Detective... 944 01:16:36,425 --> 01:16:38,343 was a very popular movie. 945 01:16:38,552 --> 01:16:43,265 Yes, it was. And it was popular... very, very popular... before video. 946 01:16:43,474 --> 01:16:47,644 It was popular before foreign! It was popular before p-pay TV. 947 01:16:47,853 --> 01:16:51,273 And before free TV. Before all that shit! 948 01:16:51,440 --> 01:16:54,359 - The Wacky Detective was making... - Ellen, I'm sorry, okay? 949 01:16:54,568 --> 01:16:57,821 Leo! Leo. What was the final take on domestic? 950 01:16:58,030 --> 01:16:59,948 $72. 1 million. 951 01:17:00,157 --> 01:17:02,617 - $72. 1 million. - Ellen, I'm sorry. 952 01:17:02,827 --> 01:17:05,870 That's fucking asses in fucking seats. 953 01:17:06,038 --> 01:17:07,914 You know, it's not your fault. I mean, they hit you both barrels. 954 01:17:08,082 --> 01:17:10,583 But you know, fuck, you know, I just would like a little consideration. 955 01:17:10,793 --> 01:17:13,545 And my new one, The Dog Catcher, 956 01:17:13,754 --> 01:17:16,089 which, by the way, is testing right through the ceiling, 957 01:17:16,299 --> 01:17:19,217 all right, is projected to gross a hundred. 958 01:17:19,427 --> 01:17:23,638 - The Dog Catcher. - The Dog Catcher, Chester. 959 01:17:27,977 --> 01:17:30,520 - Oh, thank you, sir. - That's the good stuff. 960 01:17:30,730 --> 01:17:33,398 Now, take a look at some of these goodies you brought us, okay? 961 01:17:33,607 --> 01:17:37,944 - Um, f-far be it... Far be it for me, uh, Chester... - Uh-huh. 962 01:17:38,154 --> 01:17:41,072 But I was just wondering if you could tell me, what is all that stuff for? 963 01:17:41,240 --> 01:17:43,450 Hey, one thing at a time, man. I'm not a frog, and you're not a bunny. 964 01:17:43,659 --> 01:17:46,077 - So let's not jump ahead. - νery good, sir. 965 01:17:46,287 --> 01:17:47,203 Norman, Norman, Norman, come on, come on. 966 01:17:47,413 --> 01:17:48,747 I think you might want to look at some of this shit. 967 01:17:48,956 --> 01:17:51,875 Hey, you damn skimpy. All right, men. 968 01:17:54,545 --> 01:17:57,505 All right, man. Tell it. 969 01:17:59,133 --> 01:18:01,760 A block of wood. 970 01:18:01,969 --> 01:18:04,554 Continue. 971 01:18:04,722 --> 01:18:07,140 - Three nails. - Why three nails? 972 01:18:07,350 --> 01:18:11,144 That's how many Peter Lorre asked for. Continue, Ted. 973 01:18:11,354 --> 01:18:13,438 A ball of twine. 974 01:18:13,647 --> 01:18:16,566 Well, that is definitely a ball of twine. Continue! 975 01:18:18,027 --> 01:18:20,528 A bucket... of ice. 976 01:18:20,738 --> 01:18:22,530 - You into it? - I'm into it. 977 01:18:22,740 --> 01:18:24,657 All right. Go on! 978 01:18:27,536 --> 01:18:29,913 - A doughnut. - That's for me. 979 01:18:33,584 --> 01:18:37,587 - A club sandwich. - That is mine. 980 01:18:39,757 --> 01:18:44,427 And... a hatchet! 981 01:18:44,637 --> 01:18:49,682 "A hatchet as sharp as the devil himself," is what I asked for. 982 01:18:49,892 --> 01:18:52,644 Well, sir... Chester... you be the judge. 983 01:18:52,853 --> 01:18:56,231 No, no, no, no, no. I'll be the judge. 984 01:18:56,399 --> 01:18:58,650 - Careful, sir. - What do you think? 985 01:18:58,859 --> 01:19:02,487 It's a sharp motherfucker. Forget the nails and the twine. 986 01:19:02,696 --> 01:19:06,366 Bring all this other bullshit over to the bar. Come on. 987 01:19:06,575 --> 01:19:09,244 - Let's go. Pronto, man. - You heard him, Ted. Go ahead. 988 01:19:09,453 --> 01:19:12,372 - Right you are, sir. - Norman? Yeah? 989 01:19:12,581 --> 01:19:16,209 Yes, it's my job. Yes, it's my fucking job. You know that. 990 01:19:16,419 --> 01:19:19,462 He wanted to stay out late. I can't... I went to the Monkey Bar, all right? 991 01:19:19,672 --> 01:19:21,923 Don't yell... I'm not yelling! 992 01:19:22,133 --> 01:19:25,093 Hey! I'm not yellin'! You're the one that's fuckin' yellin'! 993 01:19:25,302 --> 01:19:26,761 Fuck... Don't hang up on me! 994 01:19:26,971 --> 01:19:30,140 Ellen, please don't hang up on me. Please don't hang up on me. 995 01:19:30,474 --> 01:19:32,767 Goddamn it! I swear to fucking God, if you hang up on me... 996 01:19:32,977 --> 01:19:35,353 You cock-fucking New York bitch. Fuckin' call better be genuine, 997 01:19:35,521 --> 01:19:36,896 'cause I'm gonna get a divorce! 998 01:19:37,106 --> 01:19:38,940 - Yo, Leo? - Fuck! 999 01:19:39,150 --> 01:19:42,402 - Another fucking Honeymooners goin' on in there. - Fuckin', fuckin' shit, man! 1000 01:19:42,611 --> 01:19:46,406 What the fuck is wrong... What the fuck is wrong with the fuckin' bitch, man? 1001 01:19:46,615 --> 01:19:50,076 I'm gonna take the fuckin' car. I'm gonna drive up to fuckin' Mulholland. 1002 01:19:50,286 --> 01:19:54,539 I am gonna fuckin' drag her fuckin' ass and throw her down Benedict fuckin' Canyon, man! 1003 01:19:54,748 --> 01:19:58,460 - You're still married, man? - Yeah. I don't fucking know anymore. 1004 01:19:58,669 --> 01:20:01,254 I swear to Christ, Norman. I fuckin' swear to God, man. 1005 01:20:01,464 --> 01:20:04,382 What the fuck is wrong... I treat this fuckin' bitch like a queen! You know that, man. 1006 01:20:04,592 --> 01:20:06,593 - I know that. - So I had a little fuckin' too much to drink! 1007 01:20:06,760 --> 01:20:10,138 It's fuckin' New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve. I can't fuckin' drive home. 1008 01:20:10,347 --> 01:20:12,640 Okay, Ellen, I'm sorry. I'm fuckin' sorry about that. 1009 01:20:12,850 --> 01:20:16,311 What do you want me to do? Get in a fuckin' car, and go run over six or seven fuckin' kids? 1010 01:20:16,479 --> 01:20:18,605 That'd be real fuckin' nice. 1011 01:20:18,814 --> 01:20:22,650 Man, what the fuck is the matter with this bitch? 1012 01:20:22,860 --> 01:20:25,653 Fuck! 1013 01:20:25,863 --> 01:20:27,655 What the fuck is all this? 1014 01:20:27,865 --> 01:20:29,657 Block of wood, bucket of ice and a hatchet, sir. 1015 01:20:29,867 --> 01:20:32,452 Get the fuck outta here. Chester, talk to me. Norman? 1016 01:20:32,661 --> 01:20:35,705 We now return you to The Man From Rio already in progress. 1017 01:20:35,915 --> 01:20:37,707 Oh, my fucking dick is hard already. 1018 01:20:37,917 --> 01:20:39,751 Tell me, Norman, you're gonna do this shit! 1019 01:20:39,919 --> 01:20:43,129 - I am gonna do it. - Oh, you are my fuckin' hero. 1020 01:20:43,339 --> 01:20:45,673 They better, after talkin' about it all night. I wanna see a show. 1021 01:20:45,841 --> 01:20:48,009 - Come here. Give me your motherfuckin'... - All right then. 1022 01:20:48,219 --> 01:20:50,637 - Well, if that's everything. - I got Cedars lined up, man. 1023 01:20:50,846 --> 01:20:52,972 I got a doctor waitin' in the fuckin' emergency. 1024 01:20:53,182 --> 01:20:56,851 Fuck the emergency, man. I'm gonna grab his motherfucking car from him. 1025 01:20:57,061 --> 01:20:59,521 Just in case. Hey, just in fucking case. 1026 01:20:59,730 --> 01:21:02,232 - I'll just be off back downstairs, sir. - Not so fast. 1027 01:21:02,399 --> 01:21:04,692 - Fuckin' treat that bitch like a queen, man. - We're gonna walk back... 1028 01:21:04,902 --> 01:21:06,778 - to this little bar here. - I told you to dump her, didn't I? 1029 01:21:06,987 --> 01:21:09,197 We're gonna sit down, 'cause we ain't quite through yet. 1030 01:21:09,406 --> 01:21:13,034 Leo. Sit on this little red stool. Sit down on this little red stool, 1031 01:21:13,202 --> 01:21:18,748 while I explain the festivities of the evening to you. 1032 01:21:18,958 --> 01:21:21,709 - All right. - Um, sir? 1033 01:21:21,877 --> 01:21:23,711 - Uh-huh. - A word in your ear, sir. 1034 01:21:23,879 --> 01:21:25,797 - Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. - Excusez-moi. 1035 01:21:26,006 --> 01:21:28,883 - I treat that bitch like a queen, man. - Chester. 1036 01:21:29,093 --> 01:21:31,010 That shit don't help, treating a woman like a queen. 1037 01:21:31,220 --> 01:21:35,306 - I'm fuckin' working. - As long as you don't break up the furniture, 1038 01:21:35,516 --> 01:21:37,433 I don't give a fuck what you do. 1039 01:21:37,601 --> 01:21:39,435 Took all your money. Gonna take your kids and house. 1040 01:21:39,603 --> 01:21:42,480 As far as I'm concerned, go ahead, trash the place! 1041 01:21:42,690 --> 01:21:45,525 Oh, but, look, let me explain what we're talkin' about. 1042 01:21:45,734 --> 01:21:48,069 Sir, sir, you don't have to explain anything to me. 1043 01:21:48,279 --> 01:21:52,865 Whatever constitutes a good time, as far as you guys are concerned, that's your business. 1044 01:21:53,075 --> 01:21:57,495 Well, no, it's your business too, Ted, because we want you to take part. 1045 01:22:00,374 --> 01:22:04,002 Take part in what, sir? 1046 01:22:04,211 --> 01:22:07,880 Chester, your way of breakin' the news to him gently is scarin' the fuck outta him. 1047 01:22:08,090 --> 01:22:09,882 - Think so? - Just spit it out. 1048 01:22:10,092 --> 01:22:11,926 Okay, okay, here we go. Okay. 1049 01:22:12,136 --> 01:22:14,721 Thing is, Ted, first off, 1050 01:22:14,930 --> 01:22:17,599 there's nothing homosexual about what we want you to do. 1051 01:22:17,808 --> 01:22:19,726 I mean, I was thinkin' you might be thinkin'... 1052 01:22:19,935 --> 01:22:21,936 that we want you to do somethin' like weird sex thing, 1053 01:22:22,146 --> 01:22:24,522 you know, like, suck us off, pee on us, shit like that. 1054 01:22:24,732 --> 01:22:26,774 Nothing, nothing could be further from the truth. 1055 01:22:26,984 --> 01:22:29,402 - Can I just jump in here for a second? - No. No. 1056 01:22:29,612 --> 01:22:32,363 My kind of way of telling him is kind of going all around the world. 1057 01:22:32,573 --> 01:22:34,699 - But it's the journey that's worth it. - Yeah, well, I see that. 1058 01:22:34,908 --> 01:22:37,702 But he's been here for 15 minutes and you have, you know, talked about everything but... 1059 01:22:37,911 --> 01:22:40,747 - What do you care? - Why don't you just shut the fuck up, bitch? 1060 01:22:40,956 --> 01:22:42,915 - "Bitch"? - Bitch! 1061 01:22:43,083 --> 01:22:45,585 Uh, excuse me, aren't you the one who's being paid to suck his cock, cork boy? 1062 01:22:45,794 --> 01:22:49,505 - Whoa! - Cork boy, man! Business card! 1063 01:22:49,715 --> 01:22:52,342 I see a new business card. 1064 01:22:52,551 --> 01:22:54,636 Excuse me, if it please the court. 1065 01:22:54,803 --> 01:22:58,723 Allow me to present our intentions to Theodore. 1066 01:22:58,932 --> 01:23:02,644 - I second the nomination. - I move that nomination be closed! 1067 01:23:02,853 --> 01:23:04,646 - Thank you. - The court is yours, Leo. 1068 01:23:04,855 --> 01:23:06,814 Thank you very much, Chester. 1069 01:23:07,024 --> 01:23:11,653 - Ted, you ever seen any of them old Alfred Hitchcock episodes? - Yes, sir. 1070 01:23:11,862 --> 01:23:15,865 You ever see the one called The Man From Rio with Peter Lorre and Steve McQueen? 1071 01:23:16,075 --> 01:23:17,950 - Uh... - Ah, if you saw it, you'd remember it. 1072 01:23:18,118 --> 01:23:20,286 It's called The Man From Rio with Peter Lorre, Steve McQueen. 1073 01:23:20,496 --> 01:23:23,623 Anyway, Peter Lorre makes a bet with Steve McQueen... 1074 01:23:23,832 --> 01:23:27,001 that Steve McQueen can't light his cigarette lighter ten times in a row. 1075 01:23:27,211 --> 01:23:29,837 Now, if Steve McQueen lights his cigarette lighter ten times in a row, 1076 01:23:30,047 --> 01:23:31,839 he wins Peter Lorre's new car. 1077 01:23:32,049 --> 01:23:35,843 But if he does not light his cigarette lighter ten times in a row, 1078 01:23:36,053 --> 01:23:40,515 Peter Lorre gets to chop off Steve McQueen's little pinky. 1079 01:23:40,724 --> 01:23:44,769 Norman and Chester here just made that same bet. 1080 01:23:44,978 --> 01:23:48,022 Norman has bet his pinky... 1081 01:23:48,232 --> 01:23:52,151 that he can light his cigarette lighter ten times in a row. 1082 01:23:52,319 --> 01:23:54,153 If he does, 1083 01:23:54,321 --> 01:23:58,533 he wins Chester's 1964 Chevy Chevelle... 1084 01:23:58,742 --> 01:24:01,536 red, fuckin', beautiful car. 1085 01:24:01,745 --> 01:24:06,624 If he doesn't, chop off his fuckin' pinky. What do you say? 1086 01:24:13,424 --> 01:24:15,216 You guys are drunk. 1087 01:24:15,426 --> 01:24:18,136 - Yes! - Of course! Of course we're drunk! 1088 01:24:18,345 --> 01:24:20,138 Teddy, that's why we're here, but that does not mean... 1089 01:24:20,347 --> 01:24:22,390 that we don't know what the fuck we're talking about. 1090 01:24:22,558 --> 01:24:24,434 I'm gonna tell you what the fuck I'm talkin' about. 1091 01:24:24,601 --> 01:24:26,728 I'm gonna tell you what the fuck I'm talkin' about. 1092 01:24:26,937 --> 01:24:29,981 I drive a motherfucking Honda that my sister sold me. 1093 01:24:30,190 --> 01:24:35,194 You hear what I'm saying? A little white motherfuckin' Honda Civic! 1094 01:24:35,404 --> 01:24:37,530 You see this shit? 1095 01:24:37,740 --> 01:24:39,741 - "Hollywood's hottest new star... - That's me. 1096 01:24:39,950 --> 01:24:42,076 Next to America's hottest old car." 1097 01:24:42,286 --> 01:24:44,620 - That's the car I own. - Are you listenin' to me? Are you? 1098 01:24:44,830 --> 01:24:48,875 Goddamn shit! Are you listening to me? 1099 01:24:49,084 --> 01:24:51,169 Now you take a good long look at that there machine... 1100 01:24:51,378 --> 01:24:53,838 that this motherfucker over here's standin' next to. 1101 01:24:54,047 --> 01:24:58,718 That's a 1964 nigger-red, ragtop Chevy Chevelle. 1102 01:24:58,927 --> 01:25:02,930 And I love that car more than I love hips, lips or fingertips. 1103 01:25:03,140 --> 01:25:07,727 Cut to: We're sittin' here celebratin', gettin' high, 1104 01:25:07,936 --> 01:25:10,146 - drinking champagne... - Drinking Cristal. 1105 01:25:10,355 --> 01:25:12,523 When you're drinking champagne, you're drinking champagne. 1106 01:25:12,733 --> 01:25:15,151 When you're drinking Cristal, you say you're drinking Cristal. 1107 01:25:15,319 --> 01:25:18,404 Whatever that pissity-ass thing is, we are drinking it, you know. 1108 01:25:18,614 --> 01:25:20,448 And we are watching TV. 1109 01:25:20,657 --> 01:25:22,992 What, what? Hey, hey, hey. When all of a sudden, 1110 01:25:23,160 --> 01:25:26,871 We flip on Steve McQueen, Peter Lorre being fuckin' badasses. 1111 01:25:27,039 --> 01:25:28,873 - Badass! - Badasses! 1112 01:25:29,041 --> 01:25:31,751 And I look over at this funny-looking motherfucker over here, 1113 01:25:31,919 --> 01:25:35,755 and I say, "I'd do that for the Chevelle." 1114 01:25:35,923 --> 01:25:40,593 - I'm funny. - And that's when Chester says... 1115 01:25:42,012 --> 01:25:45,389 "Oh, really?" 1116 01:25:48,393 --> 01:25:51,646 Well, you guys wouldn't be doing something this stupid unless you were really fucking drunk. 1117 01:25:51,855 --> 01:25:53,731 We already told you we were drunk, Ted. 1118 01:25:53,941 --> 01:25:55,775 That goes without motherfucking saying. 1119 01:25:55,984 --> 01:25:58,653 'Cause if we wasn't drunk, we'd probably chicken out. 1120 01:25:58,862 --> 01:26:01,322 When you're fucked up, you don't lie. 1121 01:26:01,532 --> 01:26:03,616 Man, you tell the fuckin' truth. 1122 01:26:03,826 --> 01:26:05,785 You want to know what the fuckin' truth is? 1123 01:26:05,994 --> 01:26:08,621 The fuckin' truth is, my lucky Zippo is gonna win me... 1124 01:26:08,831 --> 01:26:11,165 Chester's fucking car. 1125 01:26:11,375 --> 01:26:14,919 Which brings us to your part in this little wager, Ted. 1126 01:26:15,128 --> 01:26:17,004 I don't have a part, sir. 1127 01:26:20,968 --> 01:26:23,553 That's it. Like my old granddaddy used to always say, 1128 01:26:23,720 --> 01:26:25,596 "The less a man makes declarative statements, 1129 01:26:25,806 --> 01:26:28,391 the less apt he is to look foolish in retrospect." 1130 01:26:28,559 --> 01:26:31,310 - That's quite brilliant, sir. - Ah, thank you, thank you, thank you. 1131 01:26:31,478 --> 01:26:33,980 Thing is, there are some inherent obstacles in this undertaking. 1132 01:26:34,189 --> 01:26:36,148 Aside from the obvious. 1133 01:26:36,358 --> 01:26:40,111 First of which is being the fact that I'm not like Peter Lorre on that TV show. 1134 01:26:40,279 --> 01:26:43,531 I'm not some sick fuck travelin' the countryside collecting fingers. 1135 01:26:43,740 --> 01:26:45,533 All right, you know, we're all buddies here. 1136 01:26:45,742 --> 01:26:49,161 No one wants Norman to lose his finger. We just want to chop it off. 1137 01:26:49,371 --> 01:26:51,205 You know, if fate doesn't smile on old Norman, 1138 01:26:51,415 --> 01:26:53,958 we'll put that fucker on ice, whisk it right to the hospital, 1139 01:26:54,167 --> 01:26:56,419 where in all likelihood they'll be able to sew it right back on. 1140 01:26:56,628 --> 01:26:58,713 Well, hopefully, sir. 1141 01:26:58,881 --> 01:27:01,465 Yeah, well, they sewed that guy's dick back on. They can sew Norman's pinky back on. 1142 01:27:01,675 --> 01:27:03,843 - Yeah, how hard can it be? - Yeah, good point. 1143 01:27:04,052 --> 01:27:06,387 So, Norman, he's, he's taken care of, you know. 1144 01:27:06,597 --> 01:27:08,890 His interests have been looked after. 1145 01:27:09,099 --> 01:27:12,685 My interests, on the other hand, have not. 1146 01:27:12,895 --> 01:27:17,356 I am as emotionally attached to my car as Norman is physically to his finger. 1147 01:27:17,566 --> 01:27:21,027 That's a very fuckin' piece of expensive machinery I'm putting on this wager. 1148 01:27:21,236 --> 01:27:23,654 And, you know, if I lose, I lose. That's fine. That's no problem. 1149 01:27:23,864 --> 01:27:27,074 I have no problem with that. I'm a big boy. I knew exactly what the hell I was doing. 1150 01:27:27,242 --> 01:27:31,329 But if I win, I wanna win. All right? 1151 01:27:31,538 --> 01:27:35,750 If Norman lights his cigarette lighter ten times in a fuckin' row, 1152 01:27:35,918 --> 01:27:39,629 he's gonna have no emotional problems whatsoever about taking my car keys. 1153 01:27:39,838 --> 01:27:44,550 But if I win, 1154 01:27:44,718 --> 01:27:49,472 well, it's not inconceivable that at the last minute... 1155 01:27:49,640 --> 01:27:52,516 maybe neither Leo or I... 1156 01:27:52,726 --> 01:27:55,937 will be able to... wield the axe. 1157 01:27:56,146 --> 01:27:59,190 - A hatchet, sir. - Wield the hatchet. 1158 01:27:59,358 --> 01:28:02,443 Which brings us full circle to you, Ted. 1159 01:28:02,653 --> 01:28:06,405 Clear-eyed Ted. Sober Ted. 1160 01:28:06,615 --> 01:28:08,699 Complete-stranger Ted. 1161 01:28:08,909 --> 01:28:11,035 Impartial Ted. 1162 01:28:11,244 --> 01:28:15,456 Just-met-us-and-couldn't- give-a-fuck-about-us Ted. 1163 01:28:15,666 --> 01:28:20,419 We want you to be the dice man. 1164 01:28:22,631 --> 01:28:25,508 Hell of a night, huh, Ted? 1165 01:28:28,553 --> 01:28:30,429 I've got to get out of here. 1166 01:28:31,473 --> 01:28:33,724 Money! 1167 01:28:37,604 --> 01:28:41,607 Ted, I got a $100 bill here with your name on it, 1168 01:28:41,817 --> 01:28:44,610 whether you do what we ask or not. 1169 01:28:44,820 --> 01:28:47,655 Just to sit back down in that chair for one minute more. 1170 01:28:47,864 --> 01:28:51,617 I am not gonna cut off Norman's little pinky! 1171 01:28:51,827 --> 01:28:53,619 Well, maybe you will and maybe you won't. 1172 01:28:53,829 --> 01:28:56,038 But that has nothin' to do with this $100 bill in my hand. 1173 01:28:56,248 --> 01:28:59,417 In fact, you can tell us all to go fuck off and walk right out that goddamn door. 1174 01:28:59,626 --> 01:29:01,544 But if you wait 60 seconds before you do it, 1175 01:29:01,753 --> 01:29:05,131 you're gonna be $100 richer. 1176 01:29:05,340 --> 01:29:07,341 Ted, you're gonna do whatever you wanna do. 1177 01:29:07,551 --> 01:29:10,886 All we're askin' is that you indulge us for one minute more. 1178 01:29:11,096 --> 01:29:13,723 My friend Chester here is willing to pay you for that minute. 1179 01:29:13,932 --> 01:29:17,560 Ted, take the money. 1180 01:29:23,900 --> 01:29:26,610 Now, let me get this straight. 1181 01:29:26,820 --> 01:29:29,405 I sit on that stool, listen to what you have to say for 60 seconds, 1182 01:29:29,614 --> 01:29:32,450 - and I get $100? - Correct. 1183 01:29:32,659 --> 01:29:35,870 And afterwards I can walk out that door, no hard feelings? 1184 01:29:36,038 --> 01:29:37,955 None whatsoever. 1185 01:29:40,542 --> 01:29:42,334 You got a deal. 1186 01:29:42,544 --> 01:29:45,796 - Yes! - Oh, yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes,! 1187 01:29:46,006 --> 01:29:47,798 Ted, good answer. Sit right down. 1188 01:29:48,008 --> 01:29:51,844 All right. Leo, you be the timekeeper. 1189 01:29:52,054 --> 01:29:54,847 Norman, give me your watch. 1190 01:29:55,057 --> 01:29:59,685 Let me know when a minute ends and when it begins. 1191 01:29:59,895 --> 01:30:01,812 - You got it. - Ah. 1192 01:30:02,022 --> 01:30:04,440 - Okay. - Gentlemen, start your engines. 1193 01:30:11,948 --> 01:30:14,200 - Begin. - Okay, Ted, pay attention here. 1194 01:30:14,409 --> 01:30:17,036 I'm gonna make two piles here on the bar. One pile which is yours. 1195 01:30:17,245 --> 01:30:19,580 And another pile which could be yours. 1196 01:30:19,790 --> 01:30:22,208 And what you have to realize is we're gonna do this thing... 1197 01:30:22,417 --> 01:30:26,378 one way or the other. 1198 01:30:26,588 --> 01:30:30,508 Whether it's you who holds the axe or a Mexican maid... 1199 01:30:30,717 --> 01:30:33,385 or some bum we yank off the street. 1200 01:30:33,595 --> 01:30:36,347 - You can buy a whole lot of soup with that pile. - Shh! I'm the closer here. 1201 01:30:36,556 --> 01:30:38,724 All right. I'm a little me... Um, I've lost count. 1202 01:30:38,934 --> 01:30:41,018 - How much is on the bar here? - Six hundred. 1203 01:30:41,228 --> 01:30:46,190 Okay. Ted, do you know how long it takes the average American to count to 600? 1204 01:30:46,358 --> 01:30:50,402 - It's a rhetorical question, Ted. - No, sir. 1205 01:30:50,612 --> 01:30:53,739 About one minute less than it takes to count to 700. 1206 01:30:53,949 --> 01:30:57,243 Now, Ted, a person's life is filled with a zillion little experiences. 1207 01:30:57,452 --> 01:31:00,871 Some which are insignificant, have no meaning, and, you know, you forget them. 1208 01:31:01,039 --> 01:31:05,292 Others which you remember for the rest of your natural life. 1209 01:31:05,502 --> 01:31:10,047 Now, since what we're proposing here is so unusual, 1210 01:31:10,257 --> 01:31:13,217 so outside the norm, 1211 01:31:13,426 --> 01:31:17,555 that this is a good bet that this is going to be one of those incidents that sticks. 1212 01:31:17,764 --> 01:31:21,559 So, since you're gonna be stuck remembering this for the rest of your life, 1213 01:31:21,768 --> 01:31:24,937 you have to decide what that memory will be. 1214 01:31:25,147 --> 01:31:28,440 So, Ted, are you going to remember for the next 40 years, 1215 01:31:28,650 --> 01:31:30,526 give or take a decade, 1216 01:31:30,735 --> 01:31:34,947 that you refused $1,000 for one second's worth of work? 1217 01:31:35,157 --> 01:31:40,536 Or that you made $1,000 for one second's worth of work? 1218 01:31:40,745 --> 01:31:42,538 Time! 1219 01:31:42,747 --> 01:31:45,958 So, Ted, what's it gonna be? 1220 01:31:46,168 --> 01:31:48,752 - Okay. - Yes! 1221 01:31:48,920 --> 01:31:50,921 Always be closing! 1222 01:31:51,131 --> 01:31:53,966 - Whoo! - Right here, right now! Before I change my mind! 1223 01:31:54,176 --> 01:31:56,635 Hear, hear. Go. Let's go. 1224 01:31:56,845 --> 01:32:00,431 - Get this shit over and done with. - Ahh! 1225 01:32:00,599 --> 01:32:03,726 Perfect, perfect, perfect. This is one of those moments in time... 1226 01:32:03,935 --> 01:32:07,021 none of us are ever gonna forget. 1227 01:32:07,230 --> 01:32:10,274 - Norman, are you ready? - I'm ready. 1228 01:32:10,442 --> 01:32:14,111 - Ted, are you ready? - Ready. 1229 01:32:14,279 --> 01:32:17,239 Okeydokey. Norman... 1230 01:32:18,491 --> 01:32:20,367 begin. 1231 01:32:21,036 --> 01:32:24,163 Aaah! 1232 01:32:24,372 --> 01:32:26,373 My finger! My fuckin' finger! 1233 01:32:26,583 --> 01:32:28,375 Chester, my fuckin' finger, man! 1234 01:32:28,585 --> 01:32:30,377 He cut off my fuckin' finger! 1235 01:32:30,587 --> 01:32:33,255 Oh! It hurts! 1236 01:32:35,383 --> 01:32:38,469 My fuckin' finger, Chester! He cut off my fuckin' finger! 1237 01:32:38,637 --> 01:32:42,806 Aaah! Oh, Leo! 1238 01:32:50,023 --> 01:32:51,899 Call Cedars, man! Call fuckin' Cedars! 1239 01:32:52,108 --> 01:32:54,318 Wrap it up! Wrap it up! 1240 01:32:54,527 --> 01:32:57,988 Uh, yes, hi. Could I talk to Don Levine, please? 1241 01:32:58,198 --> 01:33:02,826 Why'd you let me do this? Why'd you let me do this? 1242 01:33:06,164 --> 01:33:08,707 What? What do you mean he's in surgery? 1243 01:33:08,917 --> 01:33:11,418 He was expecting my call. He was supposed to be there. 1244 01:33:11,628 --> 01:33:15,673 What? Who the fuck has plastic surgery at 6:30 in the morning on New Year's Eve? 1245 01:33:20,095 --> 01:33:24,890 - Leo! Leo! - I need you to stand still! I'll be right back! Hold it! 1246 01:33:25,100 --> 01:33:28,143 - Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! - All right! 1247 01:33:28,353 --> 01:33:30,854 Oh! Leo! 1248 01:33:33,566 --> 01:33:35,359 I forgot the finger! I gotta get the... 1249 01:33:35,568 --> 01:33:37,528 It's the finger! 1250 01:33:43,535 --> 01:33:46,161 I got the finger! I got it! I got it! 1251 01:33:49,541 --> 01:33:51,709 Here! I got the finger right here! You're on it! 1252 01:33:51,876 --> 01:33:54,545 Come on, come on! The fuckin' door's closin'! 1253 01:33:54,754 --> 01:33:57,089 Here. Just put some fuckin' ice in it. 1254 01:33:57,299 --> 01:33:59,133 All right, let's go. Let's go! Let's go! 1255 01:33:59,342 --> 01:34:01,135 Let's go! Come on! Get up, get up! 1256 01:34:01,344 --> 01:34:03,262 - I'm gonna go back to my room. - Are you comin' or not? 1257 01:34:03,471 --> 01:34:05,264 - No, it's been fun. I'll see ya. - Oh! 1258 01:34:05,473 --> 01:34:07,349 Close the fuckin' door!