1 00:01:46,079 --> 00:01:50,149 And love slipped the bonds of restraint. 2 00:01:50,313 --> 00:01:55,851 His touch was like a cosmic ''yes.'' 3 00:01:56,012 --> 00:01:59,281 ''Fuck you,'' screamed Kelly. ''fuck you to hell.'' 4 00:01:59,446 --> 00:02:05,652 Scott stepped back from the cell door as the gob of spit flew. ''fuck you.'' 5 00:02:06,713 --> 00:02:10,983 This matrix is what Hardy meant by ''the ache of modernism.'' 6 00:02:12,713 --> 00:02:13,747 Crap. 7 00:02:13,913 --> 00:02:17,449 Inchcombe knew too well the dreadful mundanity of murder. 8 00:02:18,579 --> 00:02:20,681 But Patel was stricken. 9 00:02:20,846 --> 00:02:25,283 lnchcombe realized his lack of feeling was almost... 10 00:02:25,946 --> 00:02:27,380 Pathological. 11 00:02:28,746 --> 00:02:31,949 '''I've been wearing the wrong size all my life,' says Katie. 12 00:02:32,112 --> 00:02:37,750 'I was always popping out. Turns out I'm a 30 GG,' she says. 13 00:02:37,913 --> 00:02:40,882 'Now my bras finally fit. 14 00:02:42,346 --> 00:02:45,549 Though Simon prefers me without one.''' 15 00:02:50,346 --> 00:02:52,147 We can go round mine, if you like. 16 00:02:52,313 --> 00:02:55,482 And watch your dad farting into a sofa? 17 00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:05,248 A taxi? 18 00:03:06,279 --> 00:03:08,314 In Ewedown? 19 00:03:08,846 --> 00:03:10,747 Come on. Where are we going? 20 00:03:10,913 --> 00:03:12,914 Nowhere. 21 00:03:18,346 --> 00:03:22,216 Glen, can I tempt you? Oh, wow, thank you. 22 00:03:22,379 --> 00:03:25,582 Uh, I often take something snacky to Nicholas this time of day. 23 00:03:25,746 --> 00:03:28,582 I know how the brain needs feeding. Mm. 24 00:03:29,179 --> 00:03:31,881 So how you settling in? 25 00:03:32,046 --> 00:03:33,113 Great. 26 00:03:33,279 --> 00:03:37,383 The last writers' retreat I was at, I kind of froze my balls off, you know? 27 00:03:37,546 --> 00:03:39,948 Screeching fire doors and curried lasagna, 28 00:03:40,112 --> 00:03:43,682 and a needy poet, from whom I still bear the scars. 29 00:03:43,846 --> 00:03:48,617 Well, we try to keep it peaceful here. Far from the madding crowd. 30 00:03:48,780 --> 00:03:50,281 May I? Oh. 31 00:03:50,446 --> 00:03:52,581 Well, it's paradise. 32 00:03:54,713 --> 00:03:58,049 In Ewedown? What are you doing there? 33 00:03:58,212 --> 00:03:59,646 I haven't told her yet. 34 00:03:59,846 --> 00:04:03,349 Why not? You keep saying you want to be with me. 35 00:04:03,546 --> 00:04:08,217 Well, I can't tell her just like that. It's 25 years. A marriage. 36 00:04:08,379 --> 00:04:10,614 Ah. Come on, Nicholas. 37 00:04:10,780 --> 00:04:13,182 Or I'm gonna get in a taxi and find your farm. 38 00:04:13,346 --> 00:04:15,514 No. Come up there and I'll drag you out. 39 00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:17,848 No, don't. 40 00:04:18,012 --> 00:04:20,914 I wanted to be with you. I thought you'd be pleased. 41 00:04:21,079 --> 00:04:23,648 Well, of course I'm pleased. 42 00:04:24,246 --> 00:04:29,017 Nadia, go to the pub and stay there. I'll come when I can. 43 00:04:29,179 --> 00:04:30,680 Are you going to tell her? 44 00:04:30,846 --> 00:04:32,514 Just give me a couple of hours. 45 00:04:33,913 --> 00:04:35,147 Cock pie. 46 00:04:35,813 --> 00:04:38,248 How's the worker? Good, actually. 47 00:04:38,413 --> 00:04:40,314 Just about to embark on forensics. 48 00:04:40,479 --> 00:04:43,682 Well, give me your pages and I'll get started. 49 00:04:43,846 --> 00:04:45,981 Reckon I might pack it in a bit early today. 50 00:04:46,146 --> 00:04:48,214 Need to think about my blood smears. 51 00:04:48,379 --> 00:04:50,948 Might take a drive, have a pint. 52 00:04:51,112 --> 00:04:53,180 Stir the old grey matter up. 53 00:04:53,346 --> 00:04:55,648 Who were you talking to just then? 54 00:04:55,813 --> 00:05:01,285 Judy. She said the Impala contract should be through in a day or two. 55 00:05:01,446 --> 00:05:03,181 I could come with you. 56 00:05:03,346 --> 00:05:04,880 What? For a drive. 57 00:05:05,046 --> 00:05:06,747 I don't know when we last went out. 58 00:05:06,913 --> 00:05:09,382 Mm. This is absolutely yummy. 59 00:05:09,546 --> 00:05:11,748 Or we could go into Hadditon, get a meal. 60 00:05:11,913 --> 00:05:13,347 Yes. 61 00:05:14,112 --> 00:05:15,713 But what about the guests? 62 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:17,214 Mary's got Casey to help. 63 00:05:17,379 --> 00:05:20,115 But I-- I'm supposed to be thinking, you know, about... 64 00:05:20,279 --> 00:05:23,782 You can run it by me. I'm good at forensics. 65 00:05:34,846 --> 00:05:37,348 Andy, can I tempt you? 66 00:05:37,980 --> 00:05:40,682 Oh, uh, we've got a new academic. Glen, American. 67 00:05:40,846 --> 00:05:42,948 Turns out he's working on Thomas Hardy. 68 00:05:43,112 --> 00:05:45,481 Said he might have some farming questions. 69 00:05:45,646 --> 00:05:48,281 Needs an expert yokel, does he? Would you mind? 70 00:05:48,446 --> 00:05:50,981 Oh, and the-- The writers are eating alfresco tonight. 71 00:05:51,146 --> 00:05:54,315 Could you check there's no bird shit on the seats? Sorry. 72 00:05:54,813 --> 00:05:55,847 You okay? 73 00:05:57,012 --> 00:05:58,413 Yes. 74 00:05:58,579 --> 00:06:01,248 Nicholas and I are going out to dinner. 75 00:06:11,279 --> 00:06:12,513 Now. 76 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:17,082 Fucking bingo. 77 00:06:29,379 --> 00:06:31,848 What a dump. 78 00:07:04,246 --> 00:07:07,282 Yeah. We could walk up the garage. 79 00:07:07,446 --> 00:07:10,749 Oh. I'm supposed to be helping my mom up at Stonefield. 80 00:07:10,913 --> 00:07:13,315 They keep you busy. Yeah. 81 00:07:13,479 --> 00:07:15,948 You never stop, you. 82 00:07:16,413 --> 00:07:18,648 Bet them writers are wankers. 83 00:07:18,813 --> 00:07:20,748 It was called from Hearth to Heath: 84 00:07:20,913 --> 00:07:23,515 The Doomsday and Revelation in Victorian Verse. 85 00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:24,714 What was it about? 86 00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:29,050 Well, you know, pale poets on laudanum and dark towers and sunless seas. 87 00:07:29,212 --> 00:07:31,213 A little Sturm und Drang in a teacup. 88 00:07:31,379 --> 00:07:32,446 Did it sell? 89 00:07:32,613 --> 00:07:38,051 Well, of course, my kind of books aren't about sales, that's not why I write. So, no. 90 00:07:40,379 --> 00:07:42,180 So, what are you working on next? 91 00:07:42,346 --> 00:07:43,680 Thomas Hardy. 92 00:07:43,846 --> 00:07:47,015 Is there anything left to say about that maudlin bore? 93 00:07:47,179 --> 00:07:50,849 Excuse me, but there's nothing dull about Hardy. That is a misconception. 94 00:07:51,046 --> 00:07:54,816 At least you've been published. I'm seething with envy. 95 00:07:54,980 --> 00:07:58,383 I'd love to be published. I publish myself on the Internet. 96 00:07:58,546 --> 00:08:01,015 Oh, do you earn money doing that? No. 97 00:08:01,179 --> 00:08:02,980 What do you write? Lesbian crime. 98 00:08:04,913 --> 00:08:07,782 I'm here picking up tips from the master. 99 00:08:14,579 --> 00:08:16,580 Beth? Yeah? 100 00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:18,881 Why don't I just pop out on my own? 101 00:08:19,046 --> 00:08:21,081 Well, I'm ready now. Come on. 102 00:08:21,246 --> 00:08:22,880 Is that..? 103 00:08:23,046 --> 00:08:25,248 I mean, are you wearing that? 104 00:08:25,846 --> 00:08:27,314 Oh. 105 00:08:28,179 --> 00:08:31,181 It just looks a bit hot. 106 00:08:32,346 --> 00:08:35,782 You know, Hadditon's always packed with pissed Londonites on a Friday. 107 00:08:35,946 --> 00:08:37,414 I doubt we get a table anyway. 108 00:08:37,579 --> 00:08:40,081 Let's do it properly next week. Make an occasion. 109 00:08:40,246 --> 00:08:43,749 I'm always taking you for granted. I'm vile, I know. 110 00:08:43,913 --> 00:08:46,482 You should kick me, really. 111 00:08:47,980 --> 00:08:49,281 Who is she? 112 00:08:49,813 --> 00:08:51,147 What? 113 00:08:53,012 --> 00:08:54,747 Oh, come on, Beth. 114 00:08:55,246 --> 00:08:56,814 Tell me who. 115 00:08:59,813 --> 00:09:02,182 Look, it's nothing. 116 00:09:02,613 --> 00:09:05,215 It's been once or twice, that's all. It's just-- 117 00:09:05,713 --> 00:09:08,282 Beth, it's not anything. Who is she? 118 00:09:08,446 --> 00:09:11,015 So she's on her way in, the bride and groom are-- 119 00:09:11,179 --> 00:09:13,948 Just a researcher on Radio 4. What's her name? 120 00:09:14,112 --> 00:09:16,681 Nadia. Nadia Patel. Patel? She's in your book. 121 00:09:16,846 --> 00:09:18,981 No. No. I met her when I was on Desert Island Discs. 122 00:09:19,146 --> 00:09:21,147 You put her in your book. Well, just the name. 123 00:09:21,313 --> 00:09:22,947 Desert Island Discs was a year ago. Yes-- 124 00:09:23,112 --> 00:09:24,146 So ''once or twice''? 125 00:09:24,313 --> 00:09:25,580 I was going to tell you. Ha-ha! 126 00:09:25,746 --> 00:09:27,581 In the book, from your woman, Shh! Shh! 127 00:09:27,746 --> 00:09:29,614 saying that they're coming to the par-- 128 00:09:29,780 --> 00:09:32,949 I've had enough of this. Beth. I'm a ruin, I know. 129 00:09:33,112 --> 00:09:35,347 But I've been in a real state about this. 130 00:09:35,513 --> 00:09:37,781 I-- I didn't want to hurt you. Oh! 131 00:09:38,813 --> 00:09:40,648 How could you lie to my face? 132 00:09:40,813 --> 00:09:43,248 Can we talk calmly? There are people out there. 133 00:09:43,413 --> 00:09:45,114 You looked me in the face and lied. 134 00:09:45,279 --> 00:09:47,314 For God's sake, we're surrounded by novelists. 135 00:09:47,479 --> 00:09:49,848 You bastard. Beth, 136 00:09:50,012 --> 00:09:52,848 we're like a pair of compasses, Oh, don't you dare. 137 00:09:53,012 --> 00:09:54,847 joined solidly at the top, 138 00:09:55,012 --> 00:09:57,881 but with the ends able to roam in freedom. 139 00:09:59,946 --> 00:10:02,214 That's her, isn't it? Are you keeping her waiting? 140 00:10:02,379 --> 00:10:04,280 We've talked a lot about the creative mind, 141 00:10:04,446 --> 00:10:06,781 and we agreed it needs a certain freedom to explore. 142 00:10:06,946 --> 00:10:09,415 Take your freedom. I can't live like this anymore. 143 00:10:09,579 --> 00:10:11,981 It makes me feel worthless. Calm yourself down. 144 00:10:12,146 --> 00:10:15,082 Go set up home with Patel. See if she does your tax returns. 145 00:10:15,246 --> 00:10:17,214 Do you love her? Is she young? 146 00:10:17,379 --> 00:10:19,080 For heaven's sake-- Is she?! 147 00:10:19,246 --> 00:10:21,147 Yes! 148 00:10:24,846 --> 00:10:28,950 If you leave here tonight to be with her, don't come back. 149 00:10:29,813 --> 00:10:33,049 Beth, you're making fools of us both. 150 00:10:34,346 --> 00:10:36,214 Liar! 151 00:10:44,112 --> 00:10:48,216 I didn't know they provided material too. 152 00:11:00,146 --> 00:11:02,948 Beth does everything for him, you know. Types his manuscript, 153 00:11:03,112 --> 00:11:06,248 deals with his agent, makes his female characters convincing. 154 00:11:06,413 --> 00:11:08,715 She even came up with the name Dr. Inchcombe. 155 00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:11,249 No wonder he's bored. 156 00:11:11,413 --> 00:11:15,016 I hope she takes him to the fucking cleaners. 157 00:11:25,479 --> 00:11:29,015 At the end of the day, this is why I'm glad I'm single. 158 00:11:42,212 --> 00:11:44,714 Will she take him back though? That's the question. 159 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,948 Would you? Well, I'd be torn. 160 00:11:47,112 --> 00:11:50,014 He's far too up himself. Yeah, but what about their farm? 161 00:11:50,179 --> 00:11:53,682 Splitting up all this? Must be worth a fortune. 162 00:11:54,346 --> 00:11:56,581 Wadia Patel. 163 00:11:56,746 --> 00:12:00,683 ''Gazelle eyes.'' ''Tantric sex.'' 164 00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:03,682 She's very rash, making him choose. 165 00:12:04,546 --> 00:12:07,148 Why would he choose me? 166 00:12:09,179 --> 00:12:14,317 I thought you weren't going to come. I was busy. Rowing with my wife. 167 00:12:14,479 --> 00:12:16,781 Where are we going? Home. 168 00:12:16,946 --> 00:12:18,113 To your farm? 169 00:12:22,479 --> 00:12:24,714 We could have gone on just as we were. 170 00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:27,916 Yes, but you said you wanted to be with me. 171 00:12:28,079 --> 00:12:31,415 Yes. In London. 172 00:12:31,746 --> 00:12:33,180 Now and then. 173 00:12:45,046 --> 00:12:47,782 Big glass of Rioja, please. And I need a room. 174 00:12:47,946 --> 00:12:49,681 Sure. How many nights? 175 00:12:49,846 --> 00:12:51,948 Don't know. Just one? 176 00:12:52,112 --> 00:12:56,216 Are you here for the writers' retreat? No, but I'm a writer. 177 00:12:56,379 --> 00:12:57,680 Well, journalist. 178 00:12:58,112 --> 00:13:01,515 I don't mean to pry. I'm just really nosey. 179 00:13:01,713 --> 00:13:03,514 I'm from here. Sort of. 180 00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:06,749 Well, it's a nice place. I love it. 181 00:13:06,913 --> 00:13:11,517 I keep meaning to leave, but-- Hard to get away. 182 00:13:11,713 --> 00:13:13,581 My mom's house is just up the road. 183 00:13:13,746 --> 00:13:16,949 You're not staying with her? She's-- She died. 184 00:13:17,579 --> 00:13:18,947 Have that on me. 185 00:13:19,112 --> 00:13:22,515 And here's your key. 186 00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:25,983 Up the stairs, right in front. You can't miss it. 187 00:13:26,146 --> 00:13:27,680 Thanks. 188 00:13:31,646 --> 00:13:34,715 Didn't think I'd see you tonight. 189 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:38,283 Bit of an atmosphere at Stonefield. Tell me everything. 190 00:13:38,446 --> 00:13:41,882 Marriage. Remind me never to try it. 191 00:13:42,046 --> 00:13:46,483 Andy, you're just a sex object. No one would have you. 192 00:14:11,046 --> 00:14:13,948 Ahem. So the Hardiments have lived here for centuries, huh? 193 00:14:14,313 --> 00:14:17,282 No. About 20 years. 194 00:14:17,446 --> 00:14:19,381 Still strangers, by local standards. 195 00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:32,449 Andy, uh, come look at Ingrid. I, uh-- 196 00:14:32,613 --> 00:14:34,982 I think she's coming into heat. 197 00:14:38,913 --> 00:14:40,948 She's very nice, Beth. 198 00:14:41,112 --> 00:14:43,914 Yeah. I owe her a lot. 199 00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:47,149 Husband's kind of a sleazebag, huh? 200 00:14:47,746 --> 00:14:49,747 We'd say ''prick'' here, actually. 201 00:14:49,913 --> 00:14:51,481 Or wanker. 202 00:14:51,780 --> 00:14:55,717 That's good. We might even call him a fuck. 203 00:14:56,579 --> 00:14:58,614 That's good too. 204 00:15:04,613 --> 00:15:08,249 Can I help? It's going rotten underneath. 205 00:15:08,413 --> 00:15:11,649 Can I have a look at Ingrid? Look, it's-- It's falling apart. 206 00:15:11,813 --> 00:15:13,681 Yeah, well, I can do that. Beth... 207 00:15:15,413 --> 00:15:18,048 He won't last five minutes. 208 00:15:31,313 --> 00:15:37,519 Oh, Jesus. He's been translated into Icelandic and Swahili. 209 00:15:39,846 --> 00:15:41,914 What an output. 210 00:15:42,980 --> 00:15:45,315 I need my book to be a success. 211 00:15:45,479 --> 00:15:49,649 I need a tiny reward for all my endeavors. 212 00:15:52,746 --> 00:15:54,647 I need a dump. 213 00:16:12,313 --> 00:16:14,515 Beth. No, don't touch me. 214 00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:16,248 Don't you dare. I'm sorry. 215 00:16:16,413 --> 00:16:18,581 Not good enough, not anymore. I'm sorry. 216 00:16:18,746 --> 00:16:20,814 You do what you like, then you're sorry? 217 00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:23,615 I hate myself. I hate myself. 218 00:16:23,780 --> 00:16:25,515 Where were you? 219 00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:28,315 I drove her back to London. Took all night. 220 00:16:28,479 --> 00:16:33,150 You drove her home? I finished it. She was in a state. 221 00:16:34,613 --> 00:16:37,816 So it's over? I'm sorry. 222 00:16:39,579 --> 00:16:42,048 I don't know why I'm like this. 223 00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:45,783 I couldn't manage without you. 224 00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:11,481 I've got to go to the bottle bank. 225 00:17:11,646 --> 00:17:13,047 Okay. 226 00:17:13,613 --> 00:17:17,316 Let's talk later. Yeah. 227 00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:21,450 The goat's come into heat. Has it? 228 00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:26,282 I love you so much. 229 00:17:26,946 --> 00:17:29,014 Me too. 230 00:17:52,413 --> 00:17:54,848 I've just seen the Hardiments kiss and make up. 231 00:17:55,012 --> 00:17:58,148 The hat's on. Looks like she's taking him back. 232 00:17:58,313 --> 00:18:01,616 When the hat's on, it means don't speak. 233 00:18:01,780 --> 00:18:05,884 So peace is restored. 234 00:18:07,579 --> 00:18:09,714 Oh, for fuck's sake! 235 00:18:11,613 --> 00:18:13,047 I don't like cows. Yeah. 236 00:18:13,212 --> 00:18:16,214 They exude bovine malice. Yeah. 237 00:18:16,379 --> 00:18:18,581 These girls are killing machines. 238 00:18:18,746 --> 00:18:21,148 They don't like Americans either. Very funny. 239 00:18:23,546 --> 00:18:25,047 It's Winnards Farm. 240 00:18:25,212 --> 00:18:28,515 Lady there died a while back. Place is empty. 241 00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:30,815 Think it's being robbed? Nah. 242 00:18:31,212 --> 00:18:32,846 Probably just kids. 243 00:18:33,012 --> 00:18:36,148 Nothing to do around here except make trouble. 244 00:18:38,079 --> 00:18:40,247 What if it's bad guys? 245 00:18:40,413 --> 00:18:43,382 Don't you have a blunderbuss or a fowling piece or something? 246 00:18:46,379 --> 00:18:48,447 Used to belong to my dad, this place. 247 00:18:48,613 --> 00:18:51,215 Really? But it all went tits up. 248 00:18:51,379 --> 00:18:54,815 The land was flogged to a consortium and the house sold to Londoners. 249 00:18:54,980 --> 00:18:58,783 The Drewes. So this is your ancestral pile? 250 00:18:58,946 --> 00:19:00,514 Was. 251 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:02,915 Born in that room up there. 252 00:19:03,279 --> 00:19:05,848 You must have been pretty resentful. 253 00:19:08,179 --> 00:19:12,383 Oi! This farm's mine, big nose. 254 00:19:20,146 --> 00:19:23,616 Hey, what are you doing? Who are you? 255 00:19:23,780 --> 00:19:26,315 Andy, you moron. It's me. 256 00:19:27,246 --> 00:19:29,014 Tam? 257 00:19:29,212 --> 00:19:31,314 I didn't even recognize you. 258 00:19:32,513 --> 00:19:34,348 Well, you won't do it that way. 259 00:19:34,513 --> 00:19:36,281 Then help me. 260 00:19:36,446 --> 00:19:37,947 Used to do bits of work for your mom. 261 00:19:38,112 --> 00:19:39,980 Been keeping an eye on the place since she died. 262 00:19:40,146 --> 00:19:41,480 What kind of work, graphics? 263 00:19:41,646 --> 00:19:45,082 No, I do horticulture now. You're a gardener? 264 00:19:45,713 --> 00:19:49,016 Wow, this is a great old house. 265 00:19:49,212 --> 00:19:51,280 Thanks. Do you want to buy it? 266 00:19:51,446 --> 00:19:55,850 I'm not the property-owning type, no. I prefer my life to fit in hand luggage. 267 00:19:56,012 --> 00:19:59,515 That why you're back, to flog it? Yep. 268 00:19:59,713 --> 00:20:02,148 Make a nice second home for some banker wankers. 269 00:20:02,313 --> 00:20:04,848 Look, Andy, if you want it, why don't you just make me an offer? 270 00:20:05,379 --> 00:20:08,448 Because, sadly, I'm still prey to the economic forces 271 00:20:08,613 --> 00:20:11,849 that threw the peasant classes off the land. 272 00:20:12,313 --> 00:20:14,081 Unlucky. 273 00:20:14,579 --> 00:20:15,947 Tam. 274 00:20:18,012 --> 00:20:20,280 What the fuck have you done to your nose? 275 00:20:20,446 --> 00:20:24,283 Oh, come on, Andy. Aliens came and took it. 276 00:20:24,446 --> 00:20:25,747 She's completely different. 277 00:20:27,112 --> 00:20:29,714 What was she like before? What's the story? 278 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,481 There isn't one. Oh, come on. 279 00:20:31,646 --> 00:20:35,850 It was nothing. Decade ago. Just a teenage thing. 280 00:20:37,112 --> 00:20:39,247 You should find someone you're in love with. 281 00:20:39,413 --> 00:20:41,748 Stupid prick. You saying you love me, frosty tits? 282 00:20:41,913 --> 00:20:43,914 You first. You're the girl, you say it. 283 00:20:44,079 --> 00:20:45,313 I love you. 284 00:20:45,479 --> 00:20:49,049 Fuck off. I love you! 285 00:20:49,746 --> 00:20:52,115 Romeo and Juliet, huh? 286 00:20:52,279 --> 00:20:55,649 Something classy in the wood shed, huh? Heh. 287 00:21:05,212 --> 00:21:07,280 Would you do him? No. 288 00:21:07,446 --> 00:21:09,447 What about him? He's gay, you dobbin. 289 00:21:09,613 --> 00:21:11,815 So? Oh . 290 00:21:11,980 --> 00:21:13,081 Swipe. 291 00:21:13,246 --> 00:21:16,315 Ben Sergeant. I'd walk through fire to do him. 292 00:21:16,479 --> 00:21:18,681 The drummer? He's not just the drummer. 293 00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:22,350 He writes all the lyrics. It's his band. He's the fucking genius. 294 00:21:22,513 --> 00:21:26,149 Not Steve Culley, or any of these wankers. It's Ben. 295 00:21:26,313 --> 00:21:29,482 Okay, yeah. I-- I'd do Ben. 296 00:21:29,646 --> 00:21:34,584 I wanna be her, in that dress, with him licking my teapot lids. 297 00:21:34,746 --> 00:21:37,482 Yeah, me too. 298 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:39,915 So has the muse shone on you, Greg? 299 00:21:40,079 --> 00:21:42,047 I've been pretty distracted most recently 300 00:21:42,212 --> 00:21:45,949 by those delicious cookie things Beth brought around this afternoon. 301 00:21:46,112 --> 00:21:49,081 Oh, yes. Of course, we call them biscuits here. 302 00:21:49,246 --> 00:21:51,348 And by the place itself, the people. 303 00:21:51,513 --> 00:21:53,715 I sometimes wish I could get distracted. 304 00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:55,781 Ten-page-a-day man, rain or shine. 305 00:21:55,946 --> 00:21:58,682 Wow. That's scary. Ten pages a day, how do you do that? 306 00:21:58,846 --> 00:22:00,247 Oh, Greg, Glen. 307 00:22:00,413 --> 00:22:02,681 I wouldn't presume to give an academic tips. 308 00:22:02,846 --> 00:22:04,547 Matter of fact, I read one of your books-- 309 00:22:04,713 --> 00:22:07,749 Another distraction. --I thought it was decent stuff. 310 00:22:08,846 --> 00:22:13,817 Well, how do I do it? I just get on with it, Greg. 311 00:22:15,479 --> 00:22:18,248 ''We call them biscuits here.'' 312 00:22:18,413 --> 00:22:20,448 To the muse. The muse. 313 00:22:21,146 --> 00:22:22,680 However you find her. 314 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:24,615 Cheers. 315 00:22:25,446 --> 00:22:26,814 Who's that? 316 00:22:29,313 --> 00:22:30,914 That's Tamara Drewe. 317 00:22:31,079 --> 00:22:34,415 No, it isn't. I met her with Andy. 318 00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:38,250 Good God, what's happened to her? She had a nose job, Dad. 319 00:22:38,613 --> 00:22:40,047 She's completely different. 320 00:22:40,212 --> 00:22:41,313 That's what Andy said. 321 00:22:41,479 --> 00:22:44,315 Poor Tamara, she's such a sad girl. 322 00:22:44,846 --> 00:22:47,215 She used to come help you wash the car, didn't she, Nicholas? 323 00:22:47,379 --> 00:22:48,713 When she was a teenager. 324 00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:50,815 She liked a bit of family after her dad left. 325 00:22:50,980 --> 00:22:52,581 Is that Tamara Drewe that writes a column 326 00:22:52,746 --> 00:22:53,980 in one of the Sundays? Used to. 327 00:22:54,146 --> 00:22:56,214 Writes _or The Independent now. Oh . 328 00:22:56,813 --> 00:23:00,650 She spent weeks going on about her nose job. 329 00:23:00,846 --> 00:23:03,982 Was her old one an awful conk? Yes. 330 00:23:04,579 --> 00:23:07,815 She's poured herself into those shorts. 331 00:23:08,012 --> 00:23:10,748 Hope they don't give her thrush. 332 00:23:10,913 --> 00:23:13,015 Hello. Sorry to intrude. 333 00:23:13,212 --> 00:23:16,715 Hi, Tamara. Poppy. How are you? 334 00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:18,681 I love your new hooter. 335 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:21,415 Thanks. It's not actually new, it's just smaller. 336 00:23:22,112 --> 00:23:24,948 Tamara. So sorry about your mom. 337 00:23:25,112 --> 00:23:27,180 Thanks. Are you staying down for long? 338 00:23:27,346 --> 00:23:29,347 I'll have to. There's so much to be done. 339 00:23:29,513 --> 00:23:31,314 Well, let us know if we can help. 340 00:23:31,479 --> 00:23:33,814 Could you spare a pair of strong arms? 341 00:23:33,980 --> 00:23:36,248 I've got a skip coming tomorrow, and... 342 00:23:36,413 --> 00:23:38,281 Nicholas? 343 00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:41,082 I'm available. I do skips. 344 00:23:41,246 --> 00:23:43,748 Nicholas? Oh, bug-- 345 00:23:43,913 --> 00:23:45,714 Oh. Um... 346 00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:48,816 Thank you, everyone. You're very kind. 347 00:23:49,012 --> 00:23:50,813 Is Andy around at all? 348 00:23:51,012 --> 00:23:52,680 Oh, I-- I can't spare Andy. 349 00:23:52,846 --> 00:23:56,182 He's making a new coop for my Buff Orpingtons. Heh. 350 00:23:57,546 --> 00:24:00,415 We'll soon have that dry, don't worry. Heh-heh. 351 00:24:00,579 --> 00:24:03,014 She's had Glen down there helping her all morning. 352 00:24:03,179 --> 00:24:05,014 I hope she realizes he's here to work. 353 00:24:05,179 --> 00:24:07,447 Can't believe what a difference her nose makes. 354 00:24:07,613 --> 00:24:10,215 I think it's a mistake. Taken away all her character. 355 00:24:10,379 --> 00:24:12,647 Come on, she looks 1 O times better. Huh. 356 00:24:12,813 --> 00:24:15,649 And she knows it. I found those shorts really irritating. 357 00:24:15,813 --> 00:24:18,549 Going around with half her bum hanging out. I mean, why? 358 00:24:18,713 --> 00:24:21,382 To annoy people like you. Hmm. 359 00:24:21,546 --> 00:24:22,914 I might get a pair myself. 360 00:24:23,079 --> 00:24:24,814 Of course you wouldn't. Why not? 361 00:24:24,980 --> 00:24:26,815 Because you're not desperate, are you? 362 00:24:26,980 --> 00:24:30,717 There was always something desperate about Tamara Drewe. 363 00:24:31,980 --> 00:24:34,482 Why did you change your face? 364 00:24:34,813 --> 00:24:37,315 Changing my face is the best thing I ever did. 365 00:24:37,513 --> 00:24:39,481 I don't care what anybody else thinks. 366 00:24:39,646 --> 00:24:43,249 You think it would work for me? Maybe, if you did the wrinkles too. 367 00:24:43,413 --> 00:24:45,181 Oh, you're just coming on to me now. 368 00:24:51,379 --> 00:24:53,848 In your column, you write about yourself. Does that come easily? 369 00:24:54,012 --> 00:24:57,348 Not easily. It just feels right. 370 00:24:57,513 --> 00:24:59,815 My first novel is definitely going to be autobiographical. 371 00:24:59,980 --> 00:25:02,349 Your first novel? You're gonna dash one off, just like that? 372 00:25:02,513 --> 00:25:07,050 Heh. Ideally, I'd like to make it into fiction before I'm 30. 373 00:25:07,212 --> 00:25:11,049 Then maybe a swimwear collection, chat show, pasta-sauce range. 374 00:25:11,212 --> 00:25:12,246 What? 375 00:25:12,413 --> 00:25:15,249 Life sure comes easy for the beautiful. 376 00:25:17,646 --> 00:25:19,547 You know, before I had the nose job, 377 00:25:19,713 --> 00:25:22,482 I had no problem being taken seriously. 378 00:25:22,646 --> 00:25:24,981 Maybe when they removed that bit of cartilage, 379 00:25:25,146 --> 00:25:27,681 they pulled out my brain by mistake. 380 00:25:27,846 --> 00:25:29,914 What do you think? 381 00:25:30,913 --> 00:25:31,947 Thank you. 382 00:25:35,046 --> 00:25:37,081 She's single, you know. 383 00:25:37,513 --> 00:25:40,816 Well, it's not exactly a relationship. We have an occasional thing. 384 00:25:40,980 --> 00:25:43,716 Zoe doesn't wanna be tied down-- Not Zoe. 385 00:25:45,079 --> 00:25:46,747 Tamara. 386 00:25:46,913 --> 00:25:50,016 You should get in there. Marry the girl. Then you could live 387 00:25:50,179 --> 00:25:52,881 in your ancestral home again. No. Not her type. 388 00:25:53,046 --> 00:25:56,883 Andy, you know, the trouble with you is that you think like a loser. 389 00:25:57,346 --> 00:26:01,083 I know this because I'm the loser that all other losers come to for tips. 390 00:26:01,246 --> 00:26:02,947 I am a loser's loser. 391 00:26:03,112 --> 00:26:04,813 I'm a pedigree loser. 392 00:26:04,980 --> 00:26:07,315 Had a graphics business, went bust. 393 00:26:07,479 --> 00:26:09,013 Then with my great business acumen, 394 00:26:09,179 --> 00:26:11,881 I invested in a polytunnel full of ganja. 395 00:26:12,046 --> 00:26:16,250 Spent six years stoned out of my box. I'm only just getting it back together. 396 00:26:16,413 --> 00:26:18,248 Besides, 397 00:26:18,546 --> 00:26:21,515 even if I was the last man in the world, 398 00:26:21,813 --> 00:26:23,447 Tamara Drewe wouldn't have me. 399 00:26:23,780 --> 00:26:24,947 Why not? 400 00:26:26,146 --> 00:26:29,249 I dumped her. Oh, you are a loser. 401 00:26:29,413 --> 00:26:30,847 I was 20. 402 00:26:31,012 --> 00:26:33,848 And my mates thought I was cradle-snatching. 403 00:26:34,246 --> 00:26:37,148 And they used to call her Beaky. Beaky? 404 00:26:37,613 --> 00:26:38,714 Beaky? 405 00:27:04,046 --> 00:27:05,714 Boys know nothing. 406 00:27:07,513 --> 00:27:11,016 I've been reading Inchcombe's Dose. The bit where Dr. Inchcombe 407 00:27:11,179 --> 00:27:14,916 finds himself having thoughts about the dead guy's daughter. 408 00:27:15,079 --> 00:27:20,117 You describe her light smattering of freckles and her striking profile. 409 00:27:20,279 --> 00:27:24,816 So who did you base her on? 410 00:27:25,313 --> 00:27:27,481 Have you noticed me? 411 00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:30,115 Because I've noticed you. 412 00:27:30,846 --> 00:27:32,647 You're making yourself ridiculous. 413 00:27:36,046 --> 00:27:37,480 Nichol-arse! 414 00:27:39,012 --> 00:27:41,647 A man can dream, huh? 415 00:27:47,146 --> 00:27:48,680 No. 416 00:27:55,713 --> 00:27:58,849 Oh, write, you numbskull. 417 00:28:01,713 --> 00:28:04,182 The best ham I've had in ages. Good. 418 00:28:04,646 --> 00:28:06,447 How's Thomas Hardy? 419 00:28:06,613 --> 00:28:09,349 I'm wasting my sabbatical. Oh, dear. 420 00:28:09,513 --> 00:28:13,350 I've been writing this book forever. Don't know why I can't finish it. 421 00:28:13,513 --> 00:28:16,148 Two years behind on my delivery date, 422 00:28:16,313 --> 00:28:19,683 and Fantail could ask for their chickenshit advance back. 423 00:28:19,846 --> 00:28:22,582 I can't write. I'm fucking constipated. 424 00:28:24,346 --> 00:28:26,014 It's a disaster. 425 00:28:26,179 --> 00:28:27,513 Crikey. 426 00:28:29,980 --> 00:28:33,616 Oh. Uh, sorry, Glen. Um-- I've gotta grab Andy before he rushes off. 427 00:28:33,780 --> 00:28:35,681 Tamara's asked him to do up her house. 428 00:28:35,846 --> 00:28:39,015 Why? She knows how hard he works for me. 429 00:28:42,513 --> 00:28:44,181 Is this all his fan mail? 430 00:28:45,680 --> 00:28:48,816 Yeah. I do a couple of sessions a week to keep on top of it. 431 00:28:48,980 --> 00:28:51,515 Pretty good at forging Nick's signature. 432 00:28:55,413 --> 00:28:57,414 Why don't we have a proper chat about it? 433 00:28:57,579 --> 00:29:00,615 Always used to help Nicholas-- You'd do that? You have time? 434 00:29:02,713 --> 00:29:04,081 I'll just, uh... 435 00:29:07,913 --> 00:29:09,581 Tam? 436 00:29:10,212 --> 00:29:11,947 Tam? 437 00:29:12,880 --> 00:29:14,648 Tam? 438 00:29:20,212 --> 00:29:22,981 Got some color charts for you to see. 439 00:29:27,179 --> 00:29:30,148 What color do you think it should be in here? 440 00:29:32,246 --> 00:29:34,581 Well, I was thinking, um, 441 00:29:36,713 --> 00:29:39,148 this one for down here. 442 00:29:41,646 --> 00:29:43,347 And, um... 443 00:29:45,446 --> 00:29:48,282 This one for the bedroom. Okay. 444 00:29:53,146 --> 00:29:56,516 So, uh, what do you have to do to get a cup of tea around here? 445 00:29:56,680 --> 00:30:00,550 Make it. Tea, sugar, fridge. 446 00:30:02,112 --> 00:30:03,580 I'm off to work. 447 00:30:13,880 --> 00:30:15,081 Hey! 448 00:30:15,246 --> 00:30:18,749 This is our village! Our fucking field! Go on. 449 00:30:18,913 --> 00:30:20,881 Get off! Come on, bastard. Let us in! 450 00:30:21,046 --> 00:30:23,114 Kiss your mother with that mouth? Fuck off. 451 00:30:23,579 --> 00:30:25,580 Get on, shove it. 452 00:31:21,613 --> 00:31:22,880 Bullshit! Fuck off! 453 00:31:23,680 --> 00:31:27,350 Swipe is fucking finished! Steve Culley is a-- 454 00:31:28,713 --> 00:31:31,715 Fuck off. Fran has been shagging that tosser. 455 00:31:31,880 --> 00:31:33,548 Steve, stop it! Come on then. 456 00:31:33,946 --> 00:31:35,747 Stop it! Uhn! 457 00:31:36,212 --> 00:31:37,646 I'm Tamara Drewe. What? 458 00:31:37,813 --> 00:31:41,349 I'm supposed to be interviewing you, qo_ The Independent. 459 00:31:41,513 --> 00:31:43,514 It was scheduled for later, 460 00:31:44,313 --> 00:31:46,548 but is now a good time? 461 00:31:46,713 --> 00:31:50,049 Swipe! Swipe! Swipe! 462 00:31:50,212 --> 00:31:52,847 Swipe! Swipe! Swipe! 463 00:31:55,212 --> 00:31:57,514 They should let us in for free. Too right. 464 00:31:57,680 --> 00:32:00,916 They come here, drink our water, use our fields. 465 00:32:01,079 --> 00:32:03,214 And they leave all their crap in our drains. 466 00:32:03,746 --> 00:32:04,847 Nice girlfriend, mate. 467 00:32:06,212 --> 00:32:07,713 Ben. Ben! 468 00:32:07,880 --> 00:32:10,382 What are you doing? That's Ben from Swipe. 469 00:32:10,546 --> 00:32:13,682 And he's got his dog. Ben! 470 00:32:14,046 --> 00:32:17,582 Ben! Ben! 471 00:32:37,513 --> 00:32:38,914 That's Boss. 472 00:32:40,379 --> 00:32:41,546 Up. 473 00:32:41,713 --> 00:32:43,848 Boy. Come on. 474 00:32:44,012 --> 00:32:45,680 Hi, Boss. There. 475 00:32:45,846 --> 00:32:48,748 Not allergic, are you? To indie drummers? 476 00:32:48,913 --> 00:32:50,414 Maybe. 477 00:32:50,846 --> 00:32:52,380 Who the fuck's she? 478 00:32:52,546 --> 00:32:56,016 I've seen her up at Stonefield. She's got a nose made of plastic. 479 00:33:00,479 --> 00:33:03,415 So who are your influences? 480 00:33:03,579 --> 00:33:05,580 Everyone asks that. 481 00:33:05,746 --> 00:33:07,747 I mean, what do you want me to say? Phil Collins? 482 00:33:07,913 --> 00:33:09,948 Animal from rhe Muppets? 483 00:33:11,913 --> 00:33:13,581 This your house? Yeah. 484 00:33:13,746 --> 00:33:16,281 Do you want to buy it? No. 485 00:33:17,980 --> 00:33:20,082 I want something else. 486 00:33:21,680 --> 00:33:25,683 How come she gets Ben? I've loved him since March. 487 00:33:27,212 --> 00:33:30,181 Would you like a beer? Yeah. 488 00:33:32,613 --> 00:33:34,214 Maureen Tucker. Who? 489 00:33:34,379 --> 00:33:37,148 Moe Tucker. The Velvets. Five-foot-nothing. 490 00:33:37,313 --> 00:33:38,547 Used to stand up to play. 491 00:33:38,713 --> 00:33:42,316 Put the snare drum on its side and whacked it with mallets. Mentalist. 492 00:33:42,479 --> 00:33:44,781 You write a lot of songs. That's pretty rare for a drummer. 493 00:33:44,946 --> 00:33:47,648 Yeah, well, everything you've heard about drummers is complete shit. 494 00:33:47,813 --> 00:33:50,415 You mean they don't spontaneously combust? 495 00:33:50,579 --> 00:33:51,680 No. 496 00:33:51,846 --> 00:33:54,048 Only sometimes. 497 00:34:25,913 --> 00:34:27,147 Any more questions? 498 00:35:12,846 --> 00:35:14,881 Jesus. Oh, my God. 499 00:35:25,012 --> 00:35:26,513 Hello. 500 00:35:26,780 --> 00:35:28,581 Who are you? 501 00:35:41,046 --> 00:35:42,914 You know anything about this dog, Tam? 502 00:35:51,880 --> 00:35:54,249 You want some breakfast, Tam? 503 00:35:56,246 --> 00:35:57,847 Tam? 504 00:36:24,212 --> 00:36:28,516 How goes the opus? Fine, Nicholas, just fine. 505 00:36:30,346 --> 00:36:34,116 It's his most obscure novel, The Well-Beloved. 506 00:36:34,279 --> 00:36:36,214 Most people have never even heard of it. 507 00:36:36,379 --> 00:36:40,449 It's about a young guy of 20 who falls in love with a beautiful young woman. 508 00:36:40,813 --> 00:36:44,283 Then when he's 40, he meets the woman's daughter and he falls in love with her. 509 00:36:44,446 --> 00:36:47,515 And finally, when he's 60, he meets her granddaughter. 510 00:36:47,680 --> 00:36:49,114 Oh, he doesn't. 511 00:36:49,279 --> 00:36:52,682 Yeah. Falls in mystical love. 512 00:36:52,846 --> 00:36:55,148 Hardy was the same in his life too. 513 00:36:55,313 --> 00:36:58,649 Even as he aged, he only had eyes for young women. 514 00:36:58,813 --> 00:37:01,815 It's like, in one essential way, he never grew up. 515 00:37:01,980 --> 00:37:03,381 In his trousers. Ha. Yeah. 516 00:37:03,546 --> 00:37:06,282 He was still at it in his 80s, you know. 517 00:37:06,446 --> 00:37:08,648 Snow on the rooftop, fire in the cellar. 518 00:37:08,813 --> 00:37:11,482 Ha-ha. Why won't it come for you, Glen? 519 00:37:11,646 --> 00:37:13,948 The way you talk about it is so engaging. 520 00:37:14,112 --> 00:37:15,847 Do you wanna try? 521 00:37:16,246 --> 00:37:19,115 Well, there's an academic style, you know? 522 00:37:19,279 --> 00:37:22,849 Who are you writing for? Who's your ideal reader? 523 00:37:23,012 --> 00:37:26,115 If wrote the way you spoke, you'd make me want to read Hardy. 524 00:37:26,279 --> 00:37:27,847 Really? Yeah. 525 00:37:28,012 --> 00:37:31,115 If you wrote like you were talking to a friend. Try it again. 526 00:37:36,846 --> 00:37:38,180 Oh. 527 00:37:40,446 --> 00:37:42,080 Oh! Ha-ha-ha. 528 00:37:50,746 --> 00:37:52,948 No, no, no. It's not as if I'm avant-garde. 529 00:37:53,112 --> 00:37:56,882 I simply pander to popular taste. Your books are far more than that. 530 00:37:57,046 --> 00:38:00,182 Just airport fodder. I think I write them in my sleep sometimes. 531 00:38:00,346 --> 00:38:02,081 I wish I wrote so well awake. 532 00:38:02,246 --> 00:38:05,682 Your prose are so economical, so vivid, like the greats. 533 00:38:05,846 --> 00:38:07,480 Like Raymond Chandler. Oh, come on. 534 00:38:07,646 --> 00:38:09,681 Graham Greene. I'm just earning a crust. 535 00:38:09,846 --> 00:38:11,948 You created Inchcombe. 536 00:38:12,112 --> 00:38:14,514 If only he were real. He's my kind of man. 537 00:38:14,680 --> 00:38:18,950 Yes. Sophisticated, jaded, but so vulnerable. 538 00:38:19,112 --> 00:38:22,114 Cynical, but a man of total integrity. 539 00:38:22,279 --> 00:38:24,514 My books don't say anything remotely profound. 540 00:38:24,680 --> 00:38:30,752 I can't pretend to be an intellectual, not like the professor here, 541 00:38:30,913 --> 00:38:35,017 illuminating our ignorance with his critical glow. 542 00:38:35,179 --> 00:38:38,315 I love prose. I turn a decent plot. That's pretty much it. 543 00:38:38,479 --> 00:38:40,547 Excuse me. People like crime fiction, 544 00:38:40,713 --> 00:38:43,682 because no matter how violent or shocking, it comforts them. 545 00:38:43,846 --> 00:38:46,415 Secretly, Nicholas hates all this. 546 00:38:46,579 --> 00:38:48,847 These crime weekends really take it out of him. 547 00:38:49,012 --> 00:38:50,646 in my case, a jaded doctor. 548 00:38:50,813 --> 00:38:51,914 Let me help. 549 00:38:52,079 --> 00:38:53,947 Oh, well, they need dusting with this. 550 00:38:54,112 --> 00:38:55,513 Restoring order to-- 551 00:38:55,680 --> 00:38:57,548 I went to my room today, 552 00:38:57,980 --> 00:39:01,083 and I wrote for three hours. The time, it just vanished. 553 00:39:01,546 --> 00:39:03,347 That's great. That's brilliant. 554 00:39:03,513 --> 00:39:07,216 I feel like a man who's just passed a gargantuan stool. 555 00:39:07,379 --> 00:39:10,014 Oh, super. 556 00:39:10,279 --> 00:39:11,813 Oh! Uh-- 557 00:39:11,980 --> 00:39:13,114 Sprig of mint on top. 558 00:39:13,279 --> 00:39:16,982 Of course, my life isn't like that, so I just make stuff up. Ha-ha. 559 00:39:19,046 --> 00:39:21,948 The real secret of being a writer is learning how to lie, 560 00:39:22,112 --> 00:39:25,014 because that's what storytellers are, thieves and liars. 561 00:39:25,179 --> 00:39:29,850 ''The basis of all excellence is truth.'' Samuel Johnson. 562 00:39:38,079 --> 00:39:41,849 I met a girl on a farm Her name was Tamara 563 00:39:42,012 --> 00:39:43,246 Ben, I'm trying to write. 564 00:39:43,413 --> 00:39:46,649 I wanted to write her a song But one thing caused me alarm 565 00:39:46,813 --> 00:39:48,281 Please, Ben, it's a new story. 566 00:39:48,446 --> 00:39:50,714 Her name didn't rhyme With anything 567 00:39:50,880 --> 00:39:52,948 Not a single thing I wanted to sing 568 00:39:53,112 --> 00:39:55,080 It comes from my heart, it's about my mom and dad. 569 00:39:55,246 --> 00:39:58,649 All she wants to do is type It's making me want a little bite 570 00:39:58,813 --> 00:40:04,051 So cook me pasta carbonara Because I'm ravenous, Tamara 571 00:40:04,212 --> 00:40:07,381 Then shag me Wearing your tiara 572 00:40:28,913 --> 00:40:30,347 Andy. 573 00:40:30,746 --> 00:40:32,814 Let me dog in, will you? 574 00:40:33,279 --> 00:40:34,947 Cheers, mate. 575 00:40:46,346 --> 00:40:49,549 He must like kissing plastic. He doesn't really love her. 576 00:40:49,713 --> 00:40:51,748 He's just on the rebound from losing Fran. 577 00:40:51,913 --> 00:40:55,283 Numbing his pain with loads of empty rampant sex. 578 00:40:55,446 --> 00:40:56,580 What he really needs-- 579 00:40:56,746 --> 00:40:59,915 Is a 1 5 year old from Ewedown? So? Stranger things happen. 580 00:41:00,079 --> 00:41:03,282 He's only 1 O years older, and that's nothing. If he met me-- 581 00:41:03,446 --> 00:41:05,815 If he just met me-- It'd be love, right? 582 00:41:05,980 --> 00:41:08,782 Yeah. But I'd settle for sex. 583 00:41:09,146 --> 00:41:13,750 Cooer, in your parents' bedroom? Still, I suppose being an exhibitionist 584 00:41:13,913 --> 00:41:16,248 is part of his job, strutting about on stage. 585 00:41:16,413 --> 00:41:18,615 He doesn't strut. He's a drummer. 586 00:41:18,780 --> 00:41:20,715 He sits on his ass. 587 00:41:20,880 --> 00:41:23,882 He's very good-looking, isn't he? Poppy YouTubed him. 588 00:41:24,046 --> 00:41:25,847 We both got quite hot and bothered. 589 00:41:26,012 --> 00:41:28,748 Is that his car? The yellow Porsche. Yep. 590 00:41:28,913 --> 00:41:31,615 Yeah, a bit brash, vrooming through the village. 591 00:41:31,780 --> 00:41:35,683 Fancy our Tamara bagging a bona fide rock star. 592 00:41:35,846 --> 00:41:41,017 She was such an ugly duckling. She must be thrilled to bits. 593 00:42:02,179 --> 00:42:04,981 We're not open for another hour. 594 00:42:05,146 --> 00:42:06,780 Good. 595 00:42:16,513 --> 00:42:20,016 I mean, she used to be so funny. So human. 596 00:42:20,179 --> 00:42:22,848 What does she see in that London knob? 597 00:42:23,012 --> 00:42:27,216 He even wears fucking makeup. How did she get so shallow? 598 00:42:27,379 --> 00:42:32,717 Andy, are you really going on about her now? 599 00:42:32,946 --> 00:42:35,448 Oh. Where are your manners? 600 00:42:35,613 --> 00:42:36,880 I'm sorry. 601 00:42:37,046 --> 00:42:41,250 Bide your time, you big prick. 602 00:42:47,713 --> 00:42:48,747 Oh , Ben . 603 00:42:58,313 --> 00:43:01,783 Come here, you wretched beast! 604 00:43:02,813 --> 00:43:05,415 Stinking animal! 605 00:43:05,579 --> 00:43:08,415 Filthy hound! 606 00:43:13,913 --> 00:43:16,548 Fuck soup. 607 00:43:16,713 --> 00:43:17,980 Here. 608 00:43:18,146 --> 00:43:21,115 What's this? What does it look like? 609 00:43:23,212 --> 00:43:24,913 Ben. 610 00:43:25,413 --> 00:43:27,414 Which finger? 611 00:43:28,246 --> 00:43:30,314 Wherever you want. 612 00:43:34,179 --> 00:43:36,080 That one's nice. 613 00:43:36,546 --> 00:43:38,180 Stick it on that one. 614 00:43:39,913 --> 00:43:44,183 Those girls could have aborted. Calm down, Penny. I'll sort him out. 615 00:43:44,346 --> 00:43:46,681 It beats me why you people want to live in the country. 616 00:43:46,846 --> 00:43:50,749 You have no sense of responsibility. It's not our dog. 617 00:43:50,913 --> 00:43:53,582 Hello, Penny. How's tricks? 618 00:43:53,746 --> 00:43:56,615 Oh, Nicholas. You're looking good. Terrific coat. 619 00:43:56,780 --> 00:43:59,682 Oh, what, this old thing? You look like royalty. 620 00:43:59,846 --> 00:44:03,549 Well, I try. Can't wait for your next book. 621 00:44:03,713 --> 00:44:05,548 lnchcombe's such a saucepot. 622 00:44:05,713 --> 00:44:07,648 Giles always says, ''What are you reading, Penny? 623 00:44:07,813 --> 00:44:09,548 You've got steam coming out of your ears.'' 624 00:44:17,012 --> 00:44:19,681 What's the ring saying, Ben? 625 00:44:21,246 --> 00:44:26,284 ''Hello, I'm a ring. Will you marry me?'' 626 00:44:29,613 --> 00:44:31,081 What? 627 00:44:31,413 --> 00:44:33,281 I didn't know. 628 00:44:33,846 --> 00:44:35,614 Didn't know what? 629 00:44:36,012 --> 00:44:38,347 That you're in love with me. 630 00:44:40,179 --> 00:44:44,182 The ring is saying, ''I'm platinum with a long guarantee. 631 00:44:44,346 --> 00:44:45,380 Will you marry me?'' 632 00:44:47,680 --> 00:44:49,415 Yes. 633 00:44:57,479 --> 00:44:59,280 What? Oh, is Tamara there? 634 00:44:59,446 --> 00:45:01,014 She is being proposed to. 635 00:45:13,112 --> 00:45:16,348 Shh. There are writers here trying to write. 636 00:45:22,846 --> 00:45:24,280 Hello. 637 00:45:24,813 --> 00:45:29,017 Oh, um, this is, uh, a Buff Orpington. He's a bit peaky today. 638 00:45:29,179 --> 00:45:32,282 They're not great layers, but they're very decorative. Heh. 639 00:45:33,379 --> 00:45:35,247 We're, um-- We're fully organic here. 640 00:45:35,413 --> 00:45:40,751 Though, uh, I like to think our champion product is, uh, the written word. Heh-heh. 641 00:45:41,513 --> 00:45:43,548 The famous Ben. 642 00:45:44,146 --> 00:45:46,081 Swipe, eh? 643 00:45:46,246 --> 00:45:49,549 No, Swipe's over. I thought the whole world knew that. 644 00:45:49,713 --> 00:45:51,514 It wasn't on Newsnight, no. 645 00:45:51,680 --> 00:45:53,882 Ben's engaged to Tamara. Isn't that lovely? 646 00:45:54,046 --> 00:45:56,081 He'd just popped the question when I rang. 647 00:45:56,713 --> 00:45:58,114 And she said yes? 648 00:46:00,012 --> 00:46:01,179 We're delighted for you both. 649 00:46:04,246 --> 00:46:06,581 Why is he on a fucking chain? 650 00:46:06,746 --> 00:46:08,881 He was out of control. 651 00:46:09,046 --> 00:46:11,047 How would you like to be chained up? 652 00:46:11,212 --> 00:46:14,915 He was chasing livestock. He could have got shot. 653 00:46:15,680 --> 00:46:19,316 They shoot him, I'll fucking shoot them. 654 00:46:20,246 --> 00:46:22,147 Unbelievable. 655 00:46:23,079 --> 00:46:26,348 Here, pooch. I think the word is gobshite. 656 00:46:26,513 --> 00:46:28,381 I hope he makes her happy. 657 00:46:28,546 --> 00:46:30,748 It's hard for girls when their dads walk out. 658 00:46:30,913 --> 00:46:33,582 Gives them bad taste in men. 659 00:46:33,746 --> 00:46:35,414 What's that supposed to mean? 660 00:46:35,579 --> 00:46:38,715 Oh, just saying Tamara's father left when she was a girl and-- 661 00:46:38,880 --> 00:46:41,148 That is 1 O-pence psychology. 662 00:46:41,313 --> 00:46:43,782 You don't know what you're talking about. 663 00:46:46,112 --> 00:46:47,313 Poor little man. 664 00:47:10,012 --> 00:47:12,214 ''My Buff Orpingtons.'' ''Oh, the written word.'' 665 00:47:12,379 --> 00:47:14,214 What a fucking freak. 666 00:47:14,379 --> 00:47:16,414 It's a shame the ring doesn't fit. 667 00:47:16,813 --> 00:47:19,649 Why didn't you bring one of mine along when you bought it? 668 00:47:19,813 --> 00:47:22,081 I didn't know you then, did I? 669 00:47:23,813 --> 00:47:25,848 So when did you buy it? 670 00:47:28,513 --> 00:47:30,581 Was it for someone else? 671 00:47:31,780 --> 00:47:34,115 You bought it for Fran, didn't you? 672 00:47:34,279 --> 00:47:35,413 So? 673 00:47:36,479 --> 00:47:37,746 It's yours now. 674 00:47:39,846 --> 00:47:41,714 She never wore it. She didn't want it. 675 00:47:41,880 --> 00:47:44,515 Did you ask her to marry you? Just as a gesture, 676 00:47:44,680 --> 00:47:47,616 when she started seeing Steve. That backfired. 677 00:47:47,780 --> 00:47:50,349 Look, it's you I wanna marry now. 678 00:47:50,513 --> 00:47:51,914 The ring-- The ring doesn't matter. 679 00:47:52,079 --> 00:47:54,214 The ring's just a consumerist piece of zinc. 680 00:47:54,379 --> 00:47:56,481 What matters is that I love you. 681 00:47:56,646 --> 00:47:58,347 Do you? 682 00:47:58,513 --> 00:48:00,214 Yes. 683 00:48:03,012 --> 00:48:05,047 With my whole heart. 684 00:48:05,479 --> 00:48:07,647 And all the other stuff. 685 00:48:09,179 --> 00:48:12,682 Like me brain, me entrails. 686 00:48:14,446 --> 00:48:17,215 Me pancreas. 687 00:48:17,379 --> 00:48:20,048 It all wants to marry you. 688 00:48:21,780 --> 00:48:23,148 Hmm? 689 00:48:23,880 --> 00:48:27,250 She wondered if you had a delivery date in mind. I said Easterish. 690 00:48:27,413 --> 00:48:29,715 Oh, mind that cocoa, it's hot. 691 00:48:29,880 --> 00:48:31,982 There's a few invites. I'll pop them there. 692 00:48:32,146 --> 00:48:34,214 You just tick the ones you want to go to. 693 00:48:34,379 --> 00:48:39,150 Oh, and, uh, Tim wants to know if you'll do your Christmas signing in Hadditon. 694 00:48:39,313 --> 00:48:42,616 I know he's always ungrateful, but I think it's so important 695 00:48:42,780 --> 00:48:45,482 to keep these little bookshops open, don't you? 696 00:48:45,646 --> 00:48:47,247 Mm-hm. 697 00:48:52,179 --> 00:48:54,548 Come in soon, my love. 698 00:49:22,813 --> 00:49:25,015 Look at that cellulite. 699 00:49:25,179 --> 00:49:28,415 She been sitting on a bead car seat or what? 700 00:49:29,146 --> 00:49:31,248 ''Her latest tattoo count was nine, 701 00:49:31,413 --> 00:49:36,785 including a Sumatran tiger and 'eternity' written in Sanskrit.'' 702 00:49:36,946 --> 00:49:40,316 She'll be getting a bar code done next, right across there. 703 00:49:40,479 --> 00:49:44,249 And Judy Garland's face right on there. 704 00:49:46,513 --> 00:49:48,448 Nice baby, though. 705 00:49:48,613 --> 00:49:50,448 I'd like one that color. 706 00:49:55,046 --> 00:49:56,280 Shut the fuck up. 707 00:49:56,446 --> 00:49:59,515 That Ryan's a dick. I think he's cute. 708 00:49:59,680 --> 00:50:02,449 No, you don't. Would you snog him? 709 00:50:03,446 --> 00:50:07,082 Maybe. Be like having a slug in your mouth. 710 00:50:08,246 --> 00:50:09,380 Shit. 711 00:50:11,279 --> 00:50:13,114 Shut up, fat arse. It ain't funny. 712 00:50:13,279 --> 00:50:14,713 Ben. Ben? 713 00:50:14,880 --> 00:50:16,781 Come on, let's do some messing. 714 00:50:23,246 --> 00:50:26,582 What about you, Glen? Sorry. Where will you be? 715 00:50:26,746 --> 00:50:29,081 In London with a collection of spare academics. 716 00:50:29,246 --> 00:50:32,582 We'll be decking the halls in our own erudite way. 717 00:50:32,746 --> 00:50:33,847 I'll miss our chats. 718 00:50:34,012 --> 00:50:37,415 Yeah. I've been in a state of writerly bliss these past weeks. 719 00:50:37,579 --> 00:50:40,481 I hope I get to come back. Oh. Me too. We'd love to have you. 720 00:50:40,646 --> 00:50:43,482 You know, these are the best mince pies I've ever had. 721 00:50:44,846 --> 00:50:47,148 If it were possible to have an orgasm from food, 722 00:50:47,313 --> 00:50:49,581 these mince pies would do it. 723 00:50:49,880 --> 00:50:51,548 Golly. Heh. 724 00:50:54,379 --> 00:50:55,413 Fuck. 725 00:51:00,880 --> 00:51:02,448 She keeps this here for Andy. 726 00:51:02,613 --> 00:51:05,816 What if she's got an alarm? Soon find out. 727 00:51:05,980 --> 00:51:10,884 What if they come back? If you're too chicken, go home. 728 00:51:43,313 --> 00:51:46,816 What the fuck are we doing here? It's kind of research. 729 00:51:46,980 --> 00:51:49,482 I want to write about them. They're funny. 730 00:51:49,646 --> 00:51:51,681 Come on, Ben. 731 00:51:52,146 --> 00:51:56,016 2001 was the best year. I just sold my last three cases. 732 00:51:56,179 --> 00:51:59,715 It's a perfect wine for the price. Besides, I want to show you off. 733 00:51:59,880 --> 00:52:02,182 What am I, arm candy? 734 00:52:02,346 --> 00:52:04,881 More like arm fungus with that face. 735 00:52:05,046 --> 00:52:10,151 I got her this gorgeous Rajasthani Ghagra skirt. 736 00:52:10,913 --> 00:52:12,414 Divine. 737 00:52:12,579 --> 00:52:14,681 She'll probably loathe it. Ha-ha. 738 00:52:14,846 --> 00:52:16,948 But if she does, I'll have it. Glen. 739 00:52:17,112 --> 00:52:18,947 Hi. Meet Ben. Ben, Glen. 740 00:52:19,112 --> 00:52:20,646 Hi, Ben. Ben's my fianc�. 741 00:52:20,813 --> 00:52:22,080 You're getting married? Uh-huh. 742 00:52:22,246 --> 00:52:24,948 Okay. Beautiful dress, magazine photo shoot. 743 00:52:25,112 --> 00:52:27,180 Everything the aspiring novelist needs. 744 00:52:27,346 --> 00:52:30,749 I knew you'd be pleased. Have a mince pie? No. 745 00:52:31,146 --> 00:52:33,114 Congratulations. 746 00:52:34,046 --> 00:52:37,048 Can we get the fuck out of here? Wait. 747 00:52:39,446 --> 00:52:42,282 In field of Tares, you made Fred a corporal, 748 00:52:42,446 --> 00:52:45,549 but there's no such thing in the Royal Artillery. 749 00:52:45,713 --> 00:52:47,948 They call them bombardiers. 750 00:52:48,246 --> 00:52:50,915 Oh, thank you for that. Very good. 751 00:52:52,813 --> 00:52:54,347 Sorry. 752 00:52:54,513 --> 00:52:56,448 Hello. Tamara. 753 00:52:56,613 --> 00:52:59,248 Would you make that out for Ben? 754 00:52:59,413 --> 00:53:02,215 To Ben. My fianc�. 755 00:53:03,146 --> 00:53:05,581 We're getting married in the summer. 756 00:53:05,746 --> 00:53:07,280 So I hear. 757 00:53:11,546 --> 00:53:18,019 My heartiest commiserations, Tamara. 758 00:53:18,346 --> 00:53:21,682 Merry Christmas, Nichol-arse. 759 00:53:25,680 --> 00:53:28,115 Casey, look. 760 00:53:29,513 --> 00:53:31,147 The sticks. 761 00:53:32,946 --> 00:53:34,947 No, don't touch. 762 00:53:39,313 --> 00:53:41,181 Pour Homme. 763 00:53:42,980 --> 00:53:45,716 Smells like men. 764 00:53:47,646 --> 00:53:50,548 Live the dream, Case. Live the dream, Jode. 765 00:53:50,713 --> 00:53:51,814 His boots. 766 00:53:51,980 --> 00:53:55,283 This is a call for a domestic dispute 767 00:53:55,446 --> 00:53:59,116 She's got me in the corner And she's put in-- 768 00:54:01,513 --> 00:54:03,047 Ben. 769 00:54:05,680 --> 00:54:06,781 Oh, my God. 770 00:54:11,246 --> 00:54:12,680 Look, stop going on about it. 771 00:54:12,846 --> 00:54:16,316 I've invested a lot of time into this house. 772 00:54:16,479 --> 00:54:19,748 Why don't you sell it, then? Because I've started writing. 773 00:54:19,913 --> 00:54:22,015 You can write anywhere. 774 00:54:22,346 --> 00:54:24,047 Yes, we've done it. 775 00:54:27,846 --> 00:54:30,748 No, Ben, this is proper. It's not just stuff for the paper. 776 00:54:30,913 --> 00:54:34,216 It's about my teens, and it's actually working for me here. 777 00:54:34,379 --> 00:54:37,381 I'm glad it's memory lane for you, but it's doing my fucking head in. 778 00:54:37,546 --> 00:54:40,515 I want some London. Some noise, some urban. 779 00:54:41,880 --> 00:54:43,681 I've had enough. Are you with me or what? 780 00:54:43,846 --> 00:54:45,047 Of course, I'm with you. 781 00:54:45,212 --> 00:54:48,248 It's depressing here. It's boring. 782 00:54:49,346 --> 00:54:52,382 And every time I look out the window, I see Andy Cobb's arse. 783 00:54:52,546 --> 00:54:54,381 What's that about? 784 00:55:00,546 --> 00:55:01,813 Oi!