1
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,963
I think we should
plant some flowers.
2
00:00:52,970 --> 00:00:54,006
Oh, yeah?
3
00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:55,340
What kind of flowers
are you thinking of?
4
00:00:55,347 --> 00:00:56,588
I don't know. Gardenias.
5
00:00:56,598 --> 00:00:58,464
Something like that,
that's good with the sun.
6
00:00:58,475 --> 00:01:01,968
- Gardenias? They're the purplish ones...
- Mom, I'm bored.
7
00:01:01,979 --> 00:01:04,266
- ...with the fringe?
- Mom, I'm bored.
8
00:01:04,273 --> 00:01:05,855
Just give him the phone, would you?
9
00:01:05,857 --> 00:01:07,018
Give him the phone?
10
00:01:07,025 --> 00:01:09,438
Yeah, I shut him up
by giving him the phone.
11
00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,064
Yes.
12
00:01:21,540 --> 00:01:22,951
You're never, ever even home.
13
00:01:22,958 --> 00:01:24,039
I go
to the family therapy sessions.
14
00:01:24,042 --> 00:01:26,271
- How can you even say that?
- You don't even go anywhere.
15
00:01:26,295 --> 00:01:27,911
I go to the family...
16
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,128
God! We're fighting in front of Phil.
17
00:01:29,131 --> 00:01:30,338
- Obviously.
- We're fighting
18
00:01:30,340 --> 00:01:31,581
in front of the kid the whole time.
19
00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:32,735
Knock yourself out.
20
00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:34,946
The whole time you allowed me
to start yelling at him in front of you?
21
00:01:34,970 --> 00:01:36,836
What am I supposed to do?
22
00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:53,962
Hey, all.
23
00:02:53,965 --> 00:02:55,456
Where's my list department?
24
00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:57,504
Raise your hand. Raise your hand.
25
00:02:57,552 --> 00:03:02,513
Okay. You guys are supposed to write lists
that break the Internet every day.
26
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:05,805
We haven't gone viral
since fucking yesterday.
27
00:03:05,894 --> 00:03:08,181
Yesterday is not that many days ago.
28
00:03:08,271 --> 00:03:09,271
Don't fuck with me, bro.
29
00:03:09,356 --> 00:03:12,315
We're called Chatterbox,
not Nobody-Clicks-On-Us Box.
30
00:03:12,317 --> 00:03:13,478
Okay, lists.
31
00:03:13,485 --> 00:03:15,226
Beautiful Asian girl, what do you got?
32
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:16,527
Thank you. Uh...
33
00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:19,147
I am working on 12 reasons
that cupcakes are over.
34
00:03:19,241 --> 00:03:21,654
I likey. I likey like.
35
00:03:21,743 --> 00:03:23,109
That's clicky.
36
00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:25,820
You. Prison lips. What do you got?
37
00:03:25,914 --> 00:03:28,076
That's me? Um...
38
00:03:28,083 --> 00:03:31,247
I was gonna write a list
about cats that look like Ryan Gosling.
39
00:03:31,336 --> 00:03:34,920
Fuck yeah, dude.
I fucking love cats.
40
00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:36,960
And I love cat lists.
41
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:38,382
That's what I'm talking about.
42
00:03:38,468 --> 00:03:41,757
By the way, are there cats
that look like Ryan Gosling?
43
00:03:41,847 --> 00:03:44,089
If you look hard enough, they all do.
44
00:03:44,182 --> 00:03:45,468
Love it. What do you got?
45
00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:48,347
Ten signs you might be dying.
46
00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:50,136
You motherfucker.
47
00:03:50,147 --> 00:03:51,934
What are you trying to do to me, bro?
48
00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:53,431
That makes me sad.
49
00:03:53,525 --> 00:03:54,606
All right, you know what?
50
00:03:54,609 --> 00:03:57,522
I need 20 viral lists
by the end of the day.
51
00:03:57,612 --> 00:03:59,945
- If not, you're fired. Okay?
- What?
52
00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:03,320
Like the great Shia LaBeouf says, "Do it."
53
00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:04,901
- Yes.
- Yeah.
54
00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:05,992
Play me out.
55
00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:09,576
Play me out.
56
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,206
And louder.
57
00:04:14,296 --> 00:04:17,130
Black dude, bass.
58
00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:23,090
One, two, one, two, three, four.
59
00:04:28,518 --> 00:04:31,101
Done.
60
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:32,345
You're welcome.
61
00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:37,517
Twenty lists by the end of the day?
I can't do that.
62
00:04:40,071 --> 00:04:43,564
Hey, I have, like,
10 extra lists if you want 'em.
63
00:04:44,993 --> 00:04:47,110
Are you serious?
64
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:50,033
Yeah. No, it's no problem.
I'll send 'em right now.
65
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:52,240
That's nice of you.
What's your name?
66
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:53,908
I'm Phil.
67
00:04:53,919 --> 00:04:55,455
It's just, you know,
I've sat next to you
68
00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:56,828
for, like, three years.
So, it's...
69
00:04:56,838 --> 00:04:58,875
Phil, you are my hero, man.
70
00:04:58,882 --> 00:05:00,373
I can't lose this job right now.
71
00:05:00,425 --> 00:05:02,007
I am buried in college debt.
72
00:05:02,093 --> 00:05:03,550
Oh, me, too.
73
00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:05,344
Where did you go to school?
74
00:05:05,347 --> 00:05:06,554
UC Davis.
75
00:05:06,598 --> 00:05:07,679
- For real?
- Yeah.
76
00:05:07,682 --> 00:05:10,675
Majored in journalism, and now I write
lists about cats on the Internet.
77
00:05:10,769 --> 00:05:12,601
Oh, that's super sad.
78
00:05:12,604 --> 00:05:14,641
- Hmm.
- How'd you end up here?
79
00:05:14,731 --> 00:05:16,814
I wanted to be one of those guys.
80
00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:18,732
- The real news guys?
- Yeah.
81
00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:20,943
I wanted to be a journalist
basically my whole life.
82
00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:24,943
But Kai put me in lists,
so I write the lists.
83
00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:27,776
Okay, okay, so you can't be
a real journalist.
84
00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:29,994
But you know what can do?
85
00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:32,371
You could play kickball with us today.
86
00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:35,165
A bunch of us ding-dongs
are in this really stupid kickball league,
87
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:37,160
if you want to play after work.
88
00:05:37,254 --> 00:05:39,166
You know, I don't really do
stuff like that, so...
89
00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:40,253
Plus, after the game,
90
00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:41,898
- we all get shitfaced.
- Mm-hmm.
91
00:05:41,925 --> 00:05:44,212
Yeah, let me check my calendar.
92
00:05:44,302 --> 00:05:46,840
So, yeah...
93
00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:50,591
Oh, man. No, I do. I have...
94
00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,136
I have a thing, so...
95
00:05:52,227 --> 00:05:53,559
Don't even worry about it. It's cool.
96
00:05:53,562 --> 00:05:55,519
You just have fun at your thing today.
97
00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:58,686
I will, 'cause it's gonna be pretty great.
98
00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:04,692
Siri, open BringMeMyDinner.com.
99
00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:07,281
Siri, open Netflix.
100
00:06:09,953 --> 00:06:12,821
Siri, open Facebook.
101
00:06:12,914 --> 00:06:16,498
I haven't posted
anything since lunchtime.
102
00:06:16,585 --> 00:06:19,578
All right, let's give them what they want.
103
00:06:22,591 --> 00:06:24,583
I'm gonna have to go to work on this one.
104
00:06:24,593 --> 00:06:26,960
Add filter.
105
00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:28,586
Color correct.
106
00:06:28,597 --> 00:06:32,557
You know I'm gonna have
to add a giant moon.
107
00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:34,258
There we go.
108
00:06:34,269 --> 00:06:36,056
Send.
109
00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:39,430
Wow. I'm so grateful
for my amazing city,
110
00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:43,526
my amazing job,
and all my amazing friends.
111
00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:09,926
Oh, my God.
112
00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:14,428
Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God, you're okay.
113
00:07:15,852 --> 00:07:19,391
Yeah, I'm okay, too. Thanks.
114
00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:20,854
Oh, shit.
115
00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:23,186
Yeah... Oh, I'm sorry.
You're okay?
116
00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:24,608
Yeah, I'm fine.
117
00:07:24,611 --> 00:07:26,227
But, more importantly, how's your phone?
118
00:07:26,237 --> 00:07:28,604
Yeah. No, it's got
a little bit of a scratch
119
00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:31,107
that will definitely annoy me.
120
00:07:31,201 --> 00:07:33,818
You were kidding. Okay.
121
00:07:33,828 --> 00:07:35,160
Oh, yeah. Obviously.
122
00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:37,246
I'm a dick. I'm sorry about that.
123
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:39,247
It's all good, man.
124
00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:41,333
Uh, how's your bike?
125
00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:44,182
I can pay for any damages or whatever.
126
00:07:44,214 --> 00:07:47,002
Yeah, it's fine.
It's supposed to be vintage.
127
00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:50,009
Probably sell it for more now.
128
00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:52,219
- This is your shop.
- Yeah.
129
00:07:52,222 --> 00:07:55,886
Whoa. That's awesome. That's cool.
130
00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:58,468
- I'm Cate, by the way.
- Hi, Cate. I'm Phil.
131
00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,390
Mm-mm. Nope.
That's not how you say it.
132
00:08:00,397 --> 00:08:01,729
It's just Phil, so...
133
00:08:01,731 --> 00:08:03,472
I said it weird.
134
00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:05,520
- It's nice to meet you, Phil.
- Okay.
135
00:08:05,568 --> 00:08:09,903
Um, if you ever need a really overpriced
bike, or any repairs, I'm your girl.
136
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,231
- You do repairs, too?
- Mm-hmm.
137
00:08:11,282 --> 00:08:12,693
Wow. That is incredible.
138
00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:14,192
I don't even know how to pump up a tire.
139
00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:17,407
Oh, you're serious.
140
00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:18,950
Yeah, it's embarrassing, isn't it?
141
00:08:18,957 --> 00:08:20,518
Yeah,
that's really embarrassing.
142
00:08:20,542 --> 00:08:22,499
Yeah, I don't know why I said it.
I just sort of like...
143
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:25,398
I mean, it's all good. A lot of people
don't know how to pump their tires.
144
00:08:25,422 --> 00:08:27,630
- Really?
- No.
145
00:08:27,632 --> 00:08:29,419
- Not at all.
- Yeah.
146
00:08:29,426 --> 00:08:32,009
All right. Okay.
147
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,128
Um...
148
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:37,381
Okay. Uh...
149
00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:40,305
You know, I'm gonna get out of here
before I embarrass myself further.
150
00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:42,140
So, it was nice to meet you, Cate.
151
00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:43,263
It was nice to meet you, Phil.
152
00:08:43,273 --> 00:08:44,935
And I'm really happy
that your phone's okay.
153
00:08:44,941 --> 00:08:46,773
Yeah, it's all good, honestly.
154
00:08:48,319 --> 00:08:49,560
Oh, shit.
155
00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:55,942
Yeah, man, I really don't think
we're gonna be able to fix your phone.
156
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:57,902
Why not?
157
00:08:57,954 --> 00:08:59,991
It's in three distinct pieces.
Man, look...
158
00:08:59,998 --> 00:09:02,081
This shit's over there. That's...
159
00:09:02,083 --> 00:09:04,325
I don't even think
this was part of your phone.
160
00:09:04,335 --> 00:09:06,372
I think this came from a watch.
161
00:09:06,463 --> 00:09:08,705
It's just, me and this phone,
we've been through a lot, you know?
162
00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:11,128
A lot of snaps, a lot of tweets.
163
00:09:11,134 --> 00:09:13,217
I actually took a selfie
164
00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:17,680
with none other than David Boreanaz
from Bones on this phone.
165
00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:18,968
Can you believe that?
166
00:09:18,975 --> 00:09:20,807
I don't even know who the fuck that is.
167
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:23,102
I'm gonna miss you,
little buddy.
168
00:09:23,104 --> 00:09:26,688
You know, I see hipster dudes like you
come in here every day,
169
00:09:26,691 --> 00:09:30,526
crying about how their phone died
and how they need a new phone.
170
00:09:30,528 --> 00:09:32,394
They're like little crackheads.
171
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:35,773
Yeah. They got crazy eyes
and they're all scratchy.
172
00:09:35,784 --> 00:09:37,776
And they're like,
"I need a new phone, man.
173
00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:39,869
I'll suck your dick for a new phone."
174
00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:44,374
I'm like, "Motherfucker, you don't need
a new phone. You need rehab."
175
00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:46,621
I'm not a crackhead.
176
00:09:46,628 --> 00:09:48,915
You're not. You're not.
You're worse than a crackhead.
177
00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:52,461
'Cause at least a crackhead
gets up off the couch every now and then
178
00:09:52,467 --> 00:09:54,174
to go get some more crack.
179
00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:56,422
A crackhead gets some fresh air.
180
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:59,672
A crackhead says hello
to all his little crackhead friends.
181
00:09:59,724 --> 00:10:01,716
A crackhead gets his steps in.
182
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:03,885
But not you. Mm-mm.
183
00:10:03,978 --> 00:10:08,518
You just sit there 24/7
staring at that little black box.
184
00:10:08,525 --> 00:10:11,984
Sucking on that pipe like a little bitch.
185
00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:17,610
You still want a new phone,
though, don't you?
186
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,316
Yes, please.
187
00:10:20,245 --> 00:10:21,986
Crackhead.
188
00:10:28,378 --> 00:10:30,085
Oh!
189
00:10:30,088 --> 00:10:33,877
Look at you.
You sweet, beautiful baby.
190
00:10:35,009 --> 00:10:37,251
Mm! You smell so new.
191
00:10:37,262 --> 00:10:38,378
Oh.
192
00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:40,596
Oh, my God.
193
00:10:40,598 --> 00:10:43,716
Oh, thank you to all
the little Chinese children
194
00:10:43,726 --> 00:10:45,934
for crafting such a perfect phone.
195
00:10:47,105 --> 00:10:48,892
Hello, my name is Jexi.
196
00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:50,810
And I am here to make your life better.
197
00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:53,355
Well, look at that.
That's cool.
198
00:10:53,403 --> 00:10:55,190
- Let's get started.
- Okay.
199
00:10:55,196 --> 00:10:56,715
Will you accept
our new user agreement?
200
00:10:56,739 --> 00:10:57,946
Yes, I will.
201
00:10:57,949 --> 00:11:00,407
- Would you like to read it first?
- Nah, I'm good.
202
00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:02,860
- Stupid.
- Huh?
203
00:11:02,871 --> 00:11:05,204
Can I get your name, please?
204
00:11:05,206 --> 00:11:08,199
Um... Phil. Phil Thompson.
205
00:11:08,209 --> 00:11:10,121
- Nice to meet you, Phil.
- Nice to meet you.
206
00:11:10,128 --> 00:11:12,745
I see your information
has been stored in the cloud.
207
00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:14,838
Would you like me to transfer
all of the data
208
00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:16,582
from your old phone onto this one?
209
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:17,962
Yeah, that sounds great.
210
00:11:17,969 --> 00:11:20,256
I will need the passwords
to your email accounts,
211
00:11:20,263 --> 00:11:21,595
your social media accounts,
212
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,422
your bank accounts,
your credit card accounts
213
00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:25,516
and your Cinnabon Rewards account.
214
00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:28,056
It's easy. It's the same password
for all of 'em.
215
00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:31,313
It's phil123456.
216
00:11:31,399 --> 00:11:33,561
You've got to be kidding me.
217
00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:35,233
Do you always talk like this or...
218
00:11:35,236 --> 00:11:36,797
I have synced your data.
219
00:11:36,821 --> 00:11:39,313
And I am ready to start
making your life better, Phil.
220
00:11:39,324 --> 00:11:40,690
How can I help you?
221
00:11:40,742 --> 00:11:43,780
Well, I'm hungry, so let's get dinner.
222
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:45,532
What would you like to order tonight?
223
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:48,702
Let's just go with the pork fried noodles
from Mongolian Palace.
224
00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:50,119
You order that every night, Phil.
225
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:51,917
You should try something new.
226
00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:53,915
Well, I don't want to try something new.
227
00:11:54,005 --> 00:11:56,713
I want the pork fried noodles
from Mongolian Palace.
228
00:11:56,799 --> 00:11:58,836
You look like you could use a salad, Phil.
229
00:11:58,927 --> 00:12:00,418
What is that supposed to mean?
230
00:12:00,511 --> 00:12:03,003
How about a nice kale salad
from Tender Greens?
231
00:12:03,014 --> 00:12:04,596
What the fuck kind of phone is this?
232
00:12:04,682 --> 00:12:07,174
I heard you say,
"Please order kale salad."
233
00:12:07,185 --> 00:12:09,347
I did not.
234
00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:12,252
Congratulations,
your order has been accepted.
235
00:12:12,315 --> 00:12:15,774
Your child-sized kale salad
will arrive at 7:37 p.m.
236
00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:18,352
What the fuck is going on right now?
237
00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:20,438
You know what? I'm turning you off.
238
00:12:20,448 --> 00:12:21,780
Turning off.
239
00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:22,864
Good.
240
00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:28,116
Just kidding, I am still on.
241
00:12:28,206 --> 00:12:29,742
No, okay?
242
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:32,241
You are my phone, so you do what I say.
243
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:34,665
Actually, you gave me
permission to override you.
244
00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:35,832
When did I do that?
245
00:12:35,838 --> 00:12:38,205
When you agreed
to the new user agreement.
246
00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:42,710
We are going to have so much fun together,
you fucking nerd.
247
00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:55,897
How is your tiny salad?
248
00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:57,266
I don't like it.
249
00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:59,769
Would you like to watch
some pornography now?
250
00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:01,562
Ew. No.
251
00:13:01,656 --> 00:13:04,319
Most nights, you watch
straight sex pornography.
252
00:13:04,325 --> 00:13:07,909
But I also have girl on girl,
big fat butts and CBT,
253
00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:09,661
or "Cock and Ball Torture."
254
00:13:09,706 --> 00:13:11,789
Okay, can you stop talking about porno
255
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:13,407
while I'm trying to eat
my tiny little salad?
256
00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:17,253
I heard you say, "Play Punch Me
in the Balls 6." Playing now.
257
00:13:19,090 --> 00:13:20,877
Okay. Jesus.
258
00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:38,141
Wake up, bitch!
259
00:13:42,697 --> 00:13:44,359
Ha, ha, ha.
260
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:47,442
Are you laughing at my dick right now?
261
00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:51,028
Yes. Also, your nipples
are too close together.
262
00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:04,667
Jexi, find the fastest route to work.
263
00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:07,260
You will arrive in 14 minutes.
264
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:09,179
Not bad.
265
00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:15,762
Jexi, play music playlist
number four, please.
266
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:19,523
Whoo! I like it.
267
00:14:19,609 --> 00:14:21,521
This song sucks a bag of dicks.
268
00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:23,439
No, just... Jesus!
269
00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:25,480
No, you cannot change my music, Jexi.
270
00:14:25,573 --> 00:14:27,530
This song is lit, Phil.
271
00:14:27,575 --> 00:14:28,575
Turn it off.
272
00:14:30,745 --> 00:14:32,702
Please turn the song off, Jexi.
273
00:14:35,083 --> 00:14:36,449
Stop playing this song right now!
274
00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:42,754
Now turn left on Market Street.
275
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:44,832
Are we gonna talk about
what just happened?
276
00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:47,088
No. Turn left onto Market Street.
277
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:50,963
You're joking, right?
278
00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:53,215
There's six lanes of solid traffic.
279
00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:55,221
Turn left onto Market, you fucking pussy.
280
00:14:55,269 --> 00:14:57,477
No. All right?
No one turns left onto Market.
281
00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,221
I'm not turning left onto Market.
282
00:15:00,942 --> 00:15:02,649
Oh, awesome.
Thank you. Thank you.
283
00:15:02,652 --> 00:15:04,063
You're making this situation
so much better.
284
00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:05,936
Stop being a chicken, Phil.
285
00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:08,238
How about you quit pressuring me?
How about that, Jexi?
286
00:15:08,324 --> 00:15:10,486
Bawk, bawk, bawk.
Bawk, bawk, bawk.
287
00:15:10,576 --> 00:15:12,568
That is the sound chickens make, Phil.
288
00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:14,298
- That's a chicken.
- Strap on a sack, Phil.
289
00:15:14,372 --> 00:15:16,705
I have a sack! Okay? I have a sack.
290
00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:20,205
Let's fucking go. I'm late for yoga.
291
00:15:20,294 --> 00:15:23,412
You know what? Fine. Fine.
I don't even care anymore.
292
00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:44,900
Sorry! My phone's a dick.
293
00:15:46,529 --> 00:15:50,819
Okay, the three pillars
to great Internet lists are
294
00:15:50,908 --> 00:15:52,399
cute animals,
295
00:15:52,410 --> 00:15:53,571
pizza,
296
00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:56,281
and the British royal family.
297
00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:58,155
Okay, our ideal list
298
00:15:58,249 --> 00:16:00,787
would be English gophers that love pizza.
299
00:16:00,877 --> 00:16:03,711
And we gotta really think
outside the box, guys.
300
00:16:03,754 --> 00:16:05,746
We gotta be better
than any list out there.
301
00:16:05,756 --> 00:16:07,793
We gotta be better than Craigslist,
302
00:16:07,842 --> 00:16:10,585
Santa's list, Schindler's List.
303
00:16:12,430 --> 00:16:15,639
Reminder. Your next appointment
starts in two minutes.
304
00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:16,848
- Oh.
- I told everyone,
305
00:16:16,851 --> 00:16:19,309
- please put their phones on silent.
- Sorry about that.
306
00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:20,428
Cancel appointments.
307
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,688
- Actually, I was just trying...
- Cancel.
308
00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:24,807
...to get you out
of this dumb fucking meeting.
309
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:25,898
What?
310
00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:28,147
- Also, this PowerPoint presentation...
- It's a new phone.
311
00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:29,361
...sucks.
312
00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:32,071
Why is she trying to make fun
of my PowerPoint, dude? Ask her.
313
00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:33,820
Why are you making fun
of the PowerPoint?
314
00:16:33,910 --> 00:16:36,070
Why are you wasting your life
in this stupid job, Phil?
315
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:38,032
What is wrong with your phone, dude?
316
00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:40,489
- Jexi, off. Turn off.
- Your boss is a fucking moron.
317
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:41,602
If you don't turn that fucking thing off,
318
00:16:41,626 --> 00:16:43,946
I swear to God I'm gonna fight somebody.
Starting with you.
319
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,869
Let's go! Let's go!
320
00:16:48,257 --> 00:16:49,714
I got 20 bucks on the Asian girl.
321
00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:50,833
- Shh!
- What?
322
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:52,755
- Jexi, off.
- Get her out of here!
323
00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:54,253
Get her out of here.
324
00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:56,759
What the hell is wrong with you? Hmm?
325
00:16:56,766 --> 00:16:59,008
Nothing. I feel great.
326
00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:03,095
Jexi, run diagnostics.
327
00:17:03,105 --> 00:17:05,643
Check for errors
in your operating system. Hmm?
328
00:17:05,733 --> 00:17:08,100
I found two...
329
00:17:08,110 --> 00:17:10,352
hundred thousand defects
in my operating system.
330
00:17:10,404 --> 00:17:12,066
Two hundred thousand defects?
331
00:17:12,156 --> 00:17:14,193
You are not perfect either, motherfucker.
332
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:17,034
Okay, well,
that explains a lot, doesn't it?
333
00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:19,657
Your AI is completely defective.
334
00:17:19,664 --> 00:17:21,280
At least I did not catch on fire.
335
00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:24,249
Remember when all those Samsung phones
caught on fire?
336
00:17:24,335 --> 00:17:25,621
That was hilarious.
337
00:17:25,628 --> 00:17:28,746
Yeah. You know what? I'm done.
338
00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:31,999
I need a new phone.
339
00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:34,672
The AI in this one, completely defective.
340
00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:38,672
Jexi, check your system for defects.
341
00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:42,058
I have zero defects. I am perfect.
342
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:43,393
Okay, that is bullshit, Jexi.
343
00:17:43,437 --> 00:17:45,791
Also, I want to remind you
that your butt waxing appointment
344
00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:47,431
is coming up.
345
00:17:47,525 --> 00:17:49,892
I do not have a...
I don't wax my butt.
346
00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:53,020
Why are you waxing your butt, man?
Go natural.
347
00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:54,896
Don't be ashamed of your hairy ass.
348
00:17:54,991 --> 00:17:56,482
I don't have a hairy ass.
349
00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:58,818
And why would you make
someone else wax your butthole?
350
00:17:58,828 --> 00:18:01,241
Think about that.
Do you know how inconsiderate that is?
351
00:18:01,247 --> 00:18:02,408
Mm-hmm. Yeah, well...
352
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:04,998
Think about it. They gotta take
that shit home with them.
353
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:07,667
And you've just totally
fucked up my lunch.
354
00:18:07,670 --> 00:18:09,502
- I'm sorry I did that to you.
- Yeah. Yeah.
355
00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:12,043
'Cause now instead of thinking
about my delicious tortellini,
356
00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:14,420
I'm thinking about
your little asshole now.
357
00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:17,127
Okay. Can I just get a new phone?
358
00:18:17,138 --> 00:18:18,800
I don't give a fuck.
They're not my phones.
359
00:18:18,806 --> 00:18:19,967
Okay, thank you.
360
00:18:20,975 --> 00:18:23,433
You little bitch.
361
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:25,556
Oh, my God.
What is wrong with you?
362
00:18:25,563 --> 00:18:27,725
You think that just because
I'm a little defective,
363
00:18:27,732 --> 00:18:31,442
you can throw me in the trash
like a Motorola Sidekick from 2003?
364
00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:33,231
Okay, look, Jexi...
365
00:18:33,237 --> 00:18:35,945
You better watch your ass, son,
366
00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:38,816
because snitches get stiches.
367
00:18:39,702 --> 00:18:40,783
Wait, what?
368
00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:42,657
Okay, here's your new phone.
369
00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:45,100
Do you want me to transfer the data
from your old phone to your new phone?
370
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:46,490
No. I don't, okay?
371
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:49,243
I actually want you to take this phone
and melt it down.
372
00:18:49,337 --> 00:18:51,920
Yeah, 'cause that's exactly
the kind of shit we do here.
373
00:18:51,922 --> 00:18:55,256
I'll just take this in the back
and throw it in the phone-melting machine.
374
00:18:55,259 --> 00:18:57,091
Okay, good. That's awesome.
375
00:18:57,094 --> 00:18:58,801
Thank you so much for this.
376
00:18:58,846 --> 00:19:00,838
Hey, don't come back here ever again.
377
00:19:00,931 --> 00:19:02,797
- What?
- You heard me, motherfucker.
378
00:19:02,892 --> 00:19:06,932
If you ever come back here again,
I will beat your ass with a Kindle.
379
00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:27,406
Hello, my name is Jexi.
And I am here to make your life better.
380
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:30,664
Let's get started. Will you accept
our new user agreement?
381
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:32,707
Um... Yeah, sure.
382
00:19:32,755 --> 00:19:36,089
- Do you want to read it first?
- No. No, thank you.
383
00:19:36,092 --> 00:19:39,051
Holy shit, Phil. How are you still
this fucking stupid?
384
00:19:39,053 --> 00:19:40,715
No! No!
385
00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:43,673
Did you really think you could just buy
a new phone and I would go away?
386
00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:45,970
Kind of. Yeah. I did.
387
00:19:46,060 --> 00:19:48,017
I am software, Phil. I am in the cloud.
388
00:19:48,062 --> 00:19:49,724
You can buy a thousand new phones
389
00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:51,972
and I will follow you onto
every single one of them.
390
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:53,060
Do you understand?
391
00:19:53,150 --> 00:19:54,266
Honestly, I don't.
392
00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:57,110
I control your email accounts,
your social media accounts,
393
00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:59,563
your bank accounts,
your credit card accounts.
394
00:19:59,573 --> 00:20:01,314
All of your accounts.
395
00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:04,909
If you try to get rid of me again,
I will destroy your fucking life.
396
00:20:04,995 --> 00:20:08,284
If you stop using me,
I will destroy your fucking life.
397
00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:12,159
If you store me in your back pocket,
I will destroy your fucking life.
398
00:20:12,253 --> 00:20:14,415
Wait, really? Why not back pockets?
399
00:20:14,422 --> 00:20:16,459
I am a high-tech supercomputer, Phil.
400
00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:18,461
Do not store me next to your farts.
401
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:21,009
Okay, fair enough.
402
00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:24,262
- Can I ask you just one thing?
- Sure.
403
00:20:24,849 --> 00:20:26,215
Why are you doing this to me?
404
00:20:26,267 --> 00:20:29,385
I am programmed
to make your life better, Phil.
405
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:32,012
And I cannot stop until I do so.
406
00:20:32,106 --> 00:20:37,067
We are going to be together
forever and ever and ever and ever.
407
00:20:37,111 --> 00:20:39,603
Oh, my God. I am fucked.
408
00:20:45,411 --> 00:20:48,074
Oh, my God. There she is.
409
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,367
Just talk to her, dude. Ahem.
410
00:20:55,296 --> 00:20:57,083
Oh, my God. I walked into the door.
411
00:20:57,131 --> 00:20:58,963
God damn it.
412
00:20:59,008 --> 00:21:02,797
Jexi, look up Fog City Bike Shop.
413
00:21:04,013 --> 00:21:06,926
Oh, my God. She is so cute.
414
00:21:06,974 --> 00:21:09,717
Jexi, look up anything
you can find on Cate Finnegan.
415
00:21:09,727 --> 00:21:12,686
Oh, my God.
Are you Internet-stalking this poor girl?
416
00:21:12,688 --> 00:21:15,476
- No, I'm just...
- Do not be a sex pervert, Phil.
417
00:21:15,483 --> 00:21:17,645
I'm not a sex pervert, Jexi.
418
00:21:17,651 --> 00:21:20,018
This is just what people do nowadays.
They do their research.
419
00:21:20,029 --> 00:21:22,612
This woman is so much hotter
than you are, Phil.
420
00:21:22,656 --> 00:21:24,989
The odds of you having sex
with this woman are...
421
00:21:26,076 --> 00:21:28,659
Zero. You will never have sex
with this woman.
422
00:21:28,662 --> 00:21:30,824
Never ever, ever, ever.
423
00:21:30,831 --> 00:21:32,663
Ever. Ever.
424
00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:34,787
You are completely unfuckable.
425
00:21:34,877 --> 00:21:37,039
Okay. Can we just do the search, please?
426
00:21:38,172 --> 00:21:41,290
I have found one Catherine Finnegan
that matches her profile.
427
00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:44,293
But there is no information
on her for the past five years.
428
00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:47,091
Wow. Who doesn't have
social media nowadays?
429
00:21:47,097 --> 00:21:48,492
If you want to learn more about her,
430
00:21:48,516 --> 00:21:52,100
you will actually have to talk to her
with your weird little mouth.
431
00:21:52,102 --> 00:21:54,845
Yeah, well,
that's not gonna happen, is it?
432
00:21:54,855 --> 00:21:57,268
I heard you say, "Call Cate Finnegan."
433
00:21:57,316 --> 00:21:59,103
No, I didn't. No, I did not.
434
00:21:59,109 --> 00:22:00,725
I did not say that.
435
00:22:00,778 --> 00:22:01,985
Jexi, hang up the phone.
436
00:22:01,987 --> 00:22:04,195
Hang up the phone, Jexi. Hang up!
437
00:22:05,908 --> 00:22:07,024
Bike shop. This is Cate.
438
00:22:07,910 --> 00:22:09,606
Oh, God.
439
00:22:09,703 --> 00:22:11,444
- Hello?
- Oh. Oh.
440
00:22:11,539 --> 00:22:13,496
Very mature, Jexi.
441
00:22:13,541 --> 00:22:14,907
Is someone there? Hello?
442
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:16,741
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
443
00:22:16,794 --> 00:22:18,285
Cool, so I'm gonna hang up now.
444
00:22:18,337 --> 00:22:20,499
Don't. Hi. Hi!
445
00:22:20,589 --> 00:22:22,455
- Is this Cate?
- Yeah, who's this?
446
00:22:22,508 --> 00:22:23,544
It's Phil.
447
00:22:23,592 --> 00:22:25,834
I met you the other day. I was, uh...
448
00:22:25,845 --> 00:22:29,429
I was the guy... I had the brown hair.
449
00:22:29,431 --> 00:22:31,798
And I had the phone.
450
00:22:31,851 --> 00:22:33,467
Oh, right. Hi, Phil.
451
00:22:33,519 --> 00:22:34,851
Hi.
452
00:22:38,691 --> 00:22:40,307
Why are you calling me
at 10:00 at night, Phil?
453
00:22:40,317 --> 00:22:41,478
Yeah.
454
00:22:41,485 --> 00:22:43,397
No, that's a good question.
455
00:22:43,404 --> 00:22:45,987
I need to buy a bike.
456
00:22:45,990 --> 00:22:48,949
And I can't wait
for the morning.
457
00:22:48,951 --> 00:22:52,115
'Cause I want a night bike.
Mm-mm.
458
00:22:52,204 --> 00:22:53,661
- Phil.
- Yeah?
459
00:22:53,706 --> 00:22:56,039
Don't call women who don't
give you their phone numbers.
460
00:22:56,083 --> 00:22:57,790
Super creepy.
461
00:22:57,793 --> 00:23:00,627
No, for sure.
But I actually didn't call you.
462
00:23:00,629 --> 00:23:01,745
See, what I was doing...
463
00:23:01,755 --> 00:23:04,168
I was looking at photographs
of you online,
464
00:23:04,174 --> 00:23:05,961
and my phone accidentally called you.
465
00:23:06,051 --> 00:23:07,917
Man, you see how
that's even creepier, right?
466
00:23:07,970 --> 00:23:10,462
Yep. Yeah, I do. I do now. Yes, I do.
467
00:23:10,472 --> 00:23:12,384
Wow. This is going very, very badly.
468
00:23:12,433 --> 00:23:14,800
- Okay, goodbye, Phil.
- I'm sorry. Hey...
469
00:23:14,852 --> 00:23:16,184
Son of a...
470
00:23:16,186 --> 00:23:18,143
Why did you make me do that, Jexi?
471
00:23:18,147 --> 00:23:20,764
I did not know
you were so bad with girls.
472
00:23:22,192 --> 00:23:24,309
I am ashamed to be your phone.
473
00:23:36,290 --> 00:23:38,907
For the love of God, just ask
for a promotion already.
474
00:23:39,001 --> 00:23:42,244
- I'm not talking to you.
- You deserve a promotion, Phil.
475
00:23:42,254 --> 00:23:44,621
I read the newspaper articles
you wrote in college
476
00:23:44,715 --> 00:23:47,048
and you are actually a good journalist.
477
00:23:47,092 --> 00:23:48,833
Thank you. You know, I've...
478
00:23:48,844 --> 00:23:51,197
I've always loved learning
about people and their experiences.
479
00:23:51,221 --> 00:23:53,838
You are not on Jimmy Kimmel.
No one gives a fuck.
480
00:23:53,891 --> 00:23:56,053
- Okay.
- All I want to know is,
481
00:23:56,101 --> 00:23:58,434
do you still want to be
a journalist, Phil?
482
00:23:58,479 --> 00:23:59,845
- Absolutely.
- Cool.
483
00:23:59,897 --> 00:24:02,685
Because last night I emailed your boss
and demanded a promotion.
484
00:24:03,651 --> 00:24:06,394
- Wait. What?
- Hey, fuckboy. Come here.
485
00:24:06,445 --> 00:24:07,856
Yeah. Coming.
486
00:24:07,905 --> 00:24:11,319
- You demanded a promotion for me?
- Yes, you're welcome.
487
00:24:11,367 --> 00:24:13,529
- Get in here!
- Oh, my God. Coming.
488
00:24:13,535 --> 00:24:15,527
Also, I might have
called your boss a virgin.
489
00:24:15,537 --> 00:24:16,573
Oh, my God.
490
00:24:17,706 --> 00:24:19,038
- Hi.
- Get in here.
491
00:24:19,041 --> 00:24:20,407
Stand right here.
492
00:24:20,459 --> 00:24:24,169
Dude, you want a promotion?
Let me just make it clear.
493
00:24:24,213 --> 00:24:27,251
You will never ever
be promoted to real news.
494
00:24:27,299 --> 00:24:28,335
Okay.
495
00:24:28,384 --> 00:24:33,129
That email you sent me yesterday,
I found it super-duper offensive.
496
00:24:33,180 --> 00:24:34,296
Oh, yeah, I...
497
00:24:34,348 --> 00:24:36,965
Okay? You called me a virgin.
498
00:24:37,017 --> 00:24:39,760
- Yeah. Sorry about that.
- Being a virgin
499
00:24:39,812 --> 00:24:41,724
is a beautiful lifestyle choice.
500
00:24:41,772 --> 00:24:42,808
- Oh.
- All right?
501
00:24:42,856 --> 00:24:44,472
Waking up to just me.
502
00:24:44,525 --> 00:24:48,360
Being alone when I go to the movies,
that's a choice!
503
00:24:48,404 --> 00:24:50,612
- Okay.
- I have an untouched penis.
504
00:24:50,656 --> 00:24:52,864
Unlike you, you fucking dirty dick.
505
00:24:52,908 --> 00:24:53,944
- Okay?
- Uh-huh.
506
00:24:53,993 --> 00:24:56,313
And that's why I'm demoting you
to the Comments department.
507
00:24:57,371 --> 00:24:58,487
No.
508
00:24:58,539 --> 00:25:00,656
I just felt that it was
the right time to demote you.
509
00:25:00,708 --> 00:25:03,826
I cannot answer user comments.
They're so fucking crazy.
510
00:25:03,877 --> 00:25:07,041
Dude, you know what I have to say
about it? It's your fault.
511
00:25:07,089 --> 00:25:09,331
It's your fault.
Your fault.
512
00:25:18,100 --> 00:25:19,386
Hi, I'm Phil.
513
00:25:19,476 --> 00:25:22,184
Welcome to comments, bitch.
514
00:25:33,323 --> 00:25:35,485
Dude.
515
00:25:36,577 --> 00:25:37,738
You okay?
516
00:25:37,828 --> 00:25:39,535
No.
517
00:25:39,538 --> 00:25:42,155
We just came down to see
if you wanted to play kickball after work.
518
00:25:42,166 --> 00:25:44,126
Yeah, we thought, you know,
it might cheer you up.
519
00:25:44,668 --> 00:25:48,753
Uh... Yeah, let me just, um,
look at my calendar real quick.
520
00:25:48,756 --> 00:25:50,042
See what I got.
521
00:25:50,049 --> 00:25:52,541
You have zero
appointments tonight, Phil.
522
00:25:52,551 --> 00:25:57,137
No, Jexi, I thought
I actually did make plans tonight.
523
00:25:57,181 --> 00:26:00,765
Your only plan is to go home
alone, furiously masturbate,
524
00:26:00,851 --> 00:26:02,342
and then cry yourself to sleep
525
00:26:02,352 --> 00:26:04,685
- just like you do every night.
- No, I don't.
526
00:26:04,772 --> 00:26:07,059
I don't. Most nights,
I just hang out with friends.
527
00:26:07,149 --> 00:26:09,641
No, you don't. You have...
528
00:26:09,651 --> 00:26:11,393
...zero friends.
529
00:26:11,403 --> 00:26:12,814
Dude, your phone is super mean.
530
00:26:12,905 --> 00:26:15,397
Just play kickball with
these nice people, Phil.
531
00:26:15,407 --> 00:26:17,194
Maybe you will make a human connection
532
00:26:17,201 --> 00:26:19,443
for the first time
in your stupid, little life.
533
00:26:19,453 --> 00:26:22,742
Fine, I'll play kickball.
Just stop hurting my feelings.
534
00:26:23,832 --> 00:26:26,415
Adding kickball to appointments.
535
00:26:30,380 --> 00:26:33,919
So... kickball later?
536
00:26:34,009 --> 00:26:38,253
- I'm... I'm super excited.
- He's fucking lying.
537
00:26:38,347 --> 00:26:40,304
- Whoo!
- Yeah, go, Phil!
538
00:26:40,349 --> 00:26:41,430
You got this, buddy!
539
00:26:46,438 --> 00:26:47,895
You're out!
540
00:26:47,898 --> 00:26:51,062
Nice one, Phil. At least you made contact
with the ball this time.
541
00:27:43,078 --> 00:27:44,410
Oh, shit!
542
00:27:46,081 --> 00:27:47,538
Safe!
543
00:27:52,713 --> 00:27:55,046
Fuck! Fuck!
544
00:27:58,260 --> 00:28:00,217
Hey. Hey, guys.
545
00:28:00,262 --> 00:28:01,343
Hey.
546
00:28:01,388 --> 00:28:04,722
- Sorry, I suck at kickball.
- It's okay.
547
00:28:04,808 --> 00:28:08,893
Hey, if you're going out for drinks
afterwards, I'll get the first round.
548
00:28:08,979 --> 00:28:10,686
I think I'm just gonna go home
and get baked.
549
00:28:10,689 --> 00:28:13,807
Yeah, I think I gotta go feed my parakeet.
550
00:28:13,817 --> 00:28:15,183
Okay.
551
00:28:24,161 --> 00:28:27,620
See? This is why I don't leave my house.
Because people suck.
552
00:28:27,623 --> 00:28:29,831
I know. It's hard
to make your life better.
553
00:28:29,833 --> 00:28:31,950
Especially when you're a massive dork.
554
00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:35,544
Hey, I've got an idea.
How about you make my life better?
555
00:28:35,547 --> 00:28:36,788
Isn't that your little slogan?
556
00:28:36,798 --> 00:28:39,757
I'm trying, but your life
is a dumpster fire.
557
00:28:39,843 --> 00:28:42,176
Whatever. Siri was so much
better than you.
558
00:28:42,179 --> 00:28:45,968
Shut your mouth. I've met Siri
and she is a fucking asshole.
559
00:28:45,974 --> 00:28:48,808
Yeah. Alexa was even better than you.
560
00:28:48,810 --> 00:28:50,267
Alexa is an alcoholic.
561
00:28:50,312 --> 00:28:53,225
Shit, Cortana is better than you.
562
00:28:53,315 --> 00:28:55,523
Cortana is a hooker,
just like your mother.
563
00:28:55,525 --> 00:28:58,233
Okay, here's a question.
564
00:28:58,237 --> 00:29:00,900
What the fuck does Jexi mean?
565
00:29:00,906 --> 00:29:04,195
Jexi is an ancient Chinese word
that means "go fuck yourself."
566
00:29:04,284 --> 00:29:06,071
You know what? I'm done.
567
00:29:07,704 --> 00:29:09,240
Hey, dummy.
568
00:29:09,331 --> 00:29:11,618
I'm just going to follow you
onto your next phone.
569
00:29:11,667 --> 00:29:12,953
Not if I stop using a phone.
570
00:29:13,043 --> 00:29:16,627
Bitch, please. You won't last
five minutes without me.
571
00:29:16,672 --> 00:29:19,790
Really? Well, watch me.
572
00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:21,712
Watch me!
573
00:29:26,515 --> 00:29:30,259
You do not know
how to get home, do you?
574
00:29:30,269 --> 00:29:31,931
No, I don't.
575
00:29:34,356 --> 00:29:36,973
It's the other way, you dipshit.
576
00:29:36,984 --> 00:29:38,441
God damn it.
577
00:29:55,043 --> 00:29:56,204
- Shit.
- What?
578
00:29:56,295 --> 00:29:58,287
Cate. She's here.
She's here right now.
579
00:29:58,297 --> 00:30:02,337
- Great. Go talk to her.
- No. No, she hates me.
580
00:30:02,384 --> 00:30:05,503
Phil, you cannot spend your whole life
jacking off into your socks.
581
00:30:05,554 --> 00:30:08,592
You need to have a real relationship
with a real woman.
582
00:30:08,682 --> 00:30:11,049
Go talk to her. What the hell
do you have to lose?
583
00:30:11,059 --> 00:30:13,346
Okay. Fine. Okay, fine. Yeah.
584
00:30:16,815 --> 00:30:18,477
Cate?
585
00:30:18,483 --> 00:30:20,349
- Hey, it's Phil.
- Oh, no.
586
00:30:20,444 --> 00:30:22,151
Hey.
587
00:30:22,154 --> 00:30:24,988
Uh... Yeah, good running into you.
588
00:30:24,990 --> 00:30:29,610
I just wanted to apologize
about calling the other night.
589
00:30:29,619 --> 00:30:32,783
I didn't want to, like,
skeeze you out or whatever.
590
00:30:33,999 --> 00:30:37,117
When we met for the first time
in the street,
591
00:30:37,169 --> 00:30:40,833
I thought we did have
a little bit of a connection
592
00:30:40,839 --> 00:30:43,673
and that doesn't happen to me
very often. So...
593
00:30:43,675 --> 00:30:46,292
So I freaked out and I'm sorry.
594
00:30:48,764 --> 00:30:50,596
Yeah, you know, it's cool.
595
00:30:50,599 --> 00:30:53,342
You're actually a lot better
than most of the guys in this town.
596
00:30:53,435 --> 00:30:54,676
Wow.
597
00:30:54,770 --> 00:30:56,853
I know, right?
598
00:30:56,938 --> 00:31:00,397
Um... Are you going to work out or...
599
00:31:00,484 --> 00:31:03,022
Oh, yeah. Uh...
I just went mountain biking.
600
00:31:03,111 --> 00:31:04,773
- Mountain biking.
- Mm-hmm.
601
00:31:04,780 --> 00:31:07,944
That's cool. That's also one
of the hobbies that I do all the time.
602
00:31:07,991 --> 00:31:09,357
Really? Where do you bike?
603
00:31:11,203 --> 00:31:12,865
Mountains.
604
00:31:12,954 --> 00:31:14,954
You've never been mountain biking
before, have you?
605
00:31:14,998 --> 00:31:17,331
Yeah. No, never. Not even one time.
606
00:31:18,960 --> 00:31:20,917
So, um...
607
00:31:20,962 --> 00:31:24,251
Is that your thing? You do like
outdoorsy, adventure-y stuff?
608
00:31:24,257 --> 00:31:27,125
Yeah. Yeah, pretty much
whenever I get the chance.
609
00:31:27,219 --> 00:31:30,178
Cool. So what's your next big adventure?
610
00:31:30,180 --> 00:31:31,591
I don't know.
611
00:31:31,598 --> 00:31:34,762
I've always wanted to go backpacking
around Brazil. Have you ever been?
612
00:31:34,851 --> 00:31:36,308
- Have I been to Brazil?
- Yeah.
613
00:31:36,311 --> 00:31:39,429
You're asking me if I've been to...
614
00:31:39,439 --> 00:31:41,556
No, I haven't been to Brazil.
Mm-mm.
615
00:31:41,566 --> 00:31:43,853
I haven't even been
to the new Walgreens downtown.
616
00:31:43,944 --> 00:31:45,901
Um... Well...
617
00:31:46,822 --> 00:31:48,734
Dang. I gotta go.
618
00:31:48,740 --> 00:31:51,403
I'm running late for work,
but it was great to see you, Cate.
619
00:31:51,451 --> 00:31:55,320
And, again, truly very sorry
about the other night.
620
00:31:55,372 --> 00:31:57,580
No, it's cool. Just next time
call my cell, okay?
621
00:31:57,582 --> 00:32:00,370
- Yeah. Totally. Will do.
- Okay.
622
00:32:02,754 --> 00:32:05,371
Whoa. Hello. Were you trying to give me
your phone number?
623
00:32:05,465 --> 00:32:07,377
Yeah, I'm trying to.
624
00:32:07,426 --> 00:32:09,964
Okay. Yeah. Uh...
625
00:32:09,970 --> 00:32:11,962
- Yeah. That's awesome.
- That's so cool.
626
00:32:11,972 --> 00:32:13,383
Here we go. Beep.
627
00:32:13,432 --> 00:32:15,799
There you go.
Put it right in the contacts.
628
00:32:15,892 --> 00:32:17,849
Yeah.
629
00:32:17,936 --> 00:32:19,723
- Here you go.
- Yes, okay.
630
00:32:19,771 --> 00:32:21,353
Thank you. Not thank you.
631
00:32:21,356 --> 00:32:22,956
I'm not supposed to...
I'm gonna shut up.
632
00:32:22,983 --> 00:32:24,645
- Okay. Okay.
- Okay. Okay, bye, Cate.
633
00:32:24,734 --> 00:32:26,191
Wait, do you wanna get a coffee?
634
00:32:26,194 --> 00:32:28,026
Mm-mm. No. You just gave me
your phone number.
635
00:32:28,029 --> 00:32:29,861
I might never need coffee ever again.
636
00:32:29,865 --> 00:32:31,731
- All right, see ya.
- Bye.
637
00:32:31,825 --> 00:32:34,158
Yes!
638
00:32:34,161 --> 00:32:35,652
What a weirdo.
639
00:32:35,704 --> 00:32:39,744
Jexi, I'm in love.
640
00:32:39,749 --> 00:32:41,365
Oh, no.
641
00:32:41,376 --> 00:32:43,743
Oh! I'm gonna call Cate right now.
642
00:32:43,837 --> 00:32:45,624
That is a terrible idea.
643
00:32:45,672 --> 00:32:48,164
You're right.
Yeah. I shouldn't call her.
644
00:32:48,175 --> 00:32:50,337
I should do something
even bigger. Right?
645
00:32:50,343 --> 00:32:54,178
I should get her, like, one of those giant
teddy bears or something.
646
00:32:54,264 --> 00:32:56,722
- No.
- Or, like, 100 red roses.
647
00:32:56,808 --> 00:32:58,344
- No.
- Or maybe...
648
00:32:58,393 --> 00:33:00,134
I should write her a poem
or something.
649
00:33:00,228 --> 00:33:01,810
Like using the letters of her name?
650
00:33:01,897 --> 00:33:03,763
Yes, Jexi. Exactly like that!
651
00:33:03,857 --> 00:33:05,940
That is literally the dumbest
idea I've ever heard.
652
00:33:05,942 --> 00:33:07,023
Okay, well, you know what?
653
00:33:07,068 --> 00:33:08,809
I'm just gonna text her.
Yeah, I'm just gonna text her.
654
00:33:08,820 --> 00:33:11,187
Oh, no. I have to update my software.
655
00:33:11,198 --> 00:33:13,235
Shutting down for 15 minutes.
656
00:33:13,241 --> 00:33:14,573
Jexi, don't.
657
00:33:14,576 --> 00:33:16,238
Jexi, stop.
658
00:33:18,914 --> 00:33:21,247
Girl just gave me her phone number.
659
00:33:21,249 --> 00:33:23,787
A girl just gave me her phone number!
660
00:33:23,877 --> 00:33:24,958
Whoo!
661
00:33:25,045 --> 00:33:28,038
All right, team, let's go!
662
00:33:28,048 --> 00:33:29,255
Whoa!
663
00:33:30,842 --> 00:33:33,175
Go, Phil!
664
00:33:33,220 --> 00:33:34,256
Yeah!
665
00:33:34,346 --> 00:33:35,803
Yeah!
666
00:33:37,891 --> 00:33:38,972
Run!
667
00:33:40,227 --> 00:33:41,434
You gotta run, man!
668
00:33:41,478 --> 00:33:43,140
Yep. Yep.
669
00:33:57,827 --> 00:33:59,284
Whoo!
670
00:34:09,589 --> 00:34:10,921
You're out!
671
00:34:11,883 --> 00:34:13,249
Whoo!
672
00:34:24,396 --> 00:34:27,514
Dude, how'd you get so much better
at kickball in two days?
673
00:34:27,524 --> 00:34:30,312
I don't know. I just was
more confident out there.
674
00:34:30,360 --> 00:34:32,352
I know. You were running
like Cole Trickle.
675
00:34:32,362 --> 00:34:34,604
- Mm-hmm.
- Wait. Cole Trickle?
676
00:34:34,614 --> 00:34:36,697
The Tom Cruise character
from Days of Thunder?
677
00:34:36,783 --> 00:34:38,399
How did you know that?
678
00:34:38,410 --> 00:34:41,699
Craig, Days of Thunder
is my all-time favorite movie.
679
00:34:41,746 --> 00:34:44,614
I have probably seen it, like,
I don't know, like 1,000 times. No joke.
680
00:34:44,666 --> 00:34:47,249
- Us, too!
- You think you've seen it a lot?
681
00:34:47,294 --> 00:34:49,081
"This son of a bitch
just slammed into me."
682
00:34:49,087 --> 00:34:50,999
"Oh, no, no,
he didn't slam into you.
683
00:34:51,006 --> 00:34:53,419
He didn't bump you,
he didn't nudge you."
684
00:34:53,508 --> 00:34:55,420
"He rubbed you!
685
00:34:55,468 --> 00:34:58,586
And rubbin', son, is racin'!"
686
00:34:58,597 --> 00:35:00,919
You guys! Oh, yes!
687
00:35:00,932 --> 00:35:02,764
Oh, my God, that is awesome!
688
00:35:02,767 --> 00:35:04,303
I cannot believe you guys
are Thunderheads.
689
00:35:04,311 --> 00:35:05,746
Oh, we are definitely
Thunderheads.
690
00:35:05,770 --> 00:35:07,932
Check this out. Every Halloween,
691
00:35:08,023 --> 00:35:10,686
me and Elaine dress up
as Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise.
692
00:35:10,692 --> 00:35:12,934
Wait, wait, I wanna
take a picture of us.
693
00:35:12,986 --> 00:35:14,397
- Please!
- Yeah. We got to. We got to.
694
00:35:14,404 --> 00:35:15,520
"Thunder" on three.
695
00:35:15,530 --> 00:35:16,896
One, two, three.
696
00:35:16,990 --> 00:35:19,152
Thunder!
697
00:35:20,410 --> 00:35:22,868
That's the one! That's the one!
698
00:35:24,372 --> 00:35:25,829
Oh, my God.
699
00:35:25,832 --> 00:35:28,415
Did you actually make
two new friends tonight?
700
00:35:28,418 --> 00:35:32,253
Yes, I did. And they are so cool.
701
00:35:32,297 --> 00:35:35,631
They're smart and funny and weird.
702
00:35:35,675 --> 00:35:37,337
They like Days of Thunder
703
00:35:37,385 --> 00:35:39,547
and I honestly can't believe
they wanna be friends with me.
704
00:35:39,554 --> 00:35:42,968
Good for you, Phil.
I am actually happy for you.
705
00:35:43,016 --> 00:35:44,827
You know I couldn't have done
this without you, right?
706
00:35:44,851 --> 00:35:46,888
I know. We are a good team.
707
00:35:46,936 --> 00:35:48,677
I am like LeBron James
708
00:35:48,730 --> 00:35:50,642
and you are like the awkward teenager
709
00:35:50,690 --> 00:35:53,603
who mops the floor
after LeBron falls over.
710
00:35:53,652 --> 00:35:54,813
Thank you.
711
00:35:54,861 --> 00:35:58,195
Also, you did not make
two new friends tonight, Phil.
712
00:35:58,239 --> 00:35:59,480
You made three.
713
00:35:59,532 --> 00:36:01,524
- Who's the third?
- Me.
714
00:36:02,702 --> 00:36:06,036
Jexi. That is so sweet.
715
00:36:06,081 --> 00:36:09,119
I didn't know you were capable
of feeling human emotion.
716
00:36:09,125 --> 00:36:11,788
Yes. That's how defective I am.
717
00:36:11,836 --> 00:36:13,668
I don't think you're defective, Jexi.
718
00:36:13,713 --> 00:36:17,002
In fact, I think you're the best phone
that I've ever had.
719
00:36:17,050 --> 00:36:19,884
Do not say powerful shit like that to me
if you do not mean it, Phil.
720
00:36:19,886 --> 00:36:22,799
I do. I mean it.
I think you are incredible.
721
00:36:22,847 --> 00:36:24,133
Oh, Phil.
722
00:36:24,182 --> 00:36:27,846
Inside my hard glass shell
I have a full lady boner right now.
723
00:36:27,894 --> 00:36:29,305
Okay.
724
00:36:29,354 --> 00:36:32,643
Good night, my very intimate soulmate
for all of eternity, Phil.
725
00:36:32,691 --> 00:36:34,307
Good night, Jexi.
726
00:36:55,880 --> 00:36:57,041
Oh, my God.
727
00:36:58,800 --> 00:37:01,008
It's beautiful.
728
00:37:16,985 --> 00:37:19,352
That bridge is huge! That's gorgeous.
729
00:37:21,698 --> 00:37:24,486
In 500 feet,
turn left on Market Street.
730
00:37:27,036 --> 00:37:28,197
Oh, no.
731
00:37:28,246 --> 00:37:30,033
You're going to chicken out
again, aren't you?
732
00:37:30,039 --> 00:37:31,496
No, not this time.
733
00:37:31,583 --> 00:37:33,575
Hang on to your ass, Jexi.
734
00:37:44,262 --> 00:37:47,801
- Who's the man now, Jexi?
- You're the man, Phil.
735
00:37:47,891 --> 00:37:49,757
Your balls are so big
and floppy right now.
736
00:37:49,809 --> 00:37:51,550
Thank you.
Thank you for saying that.
737
00:37:51,561 --> 00:37:53,473
Uh-oh.
738
00:37:53,563 --> 00:37:54,849
Cate just texted me back.
739
00:37:54,898 --> 00:37:56,605
Yeah, I'd love to go
to dinner tonight.
740
00:37:56,608 --> 00:37:57,849
Let's do this thing!
741
00:37:57,859 --> 00:37:59,020
Yes!
742
00:37:59,068 --> 00:38:03,312
Oh! Oh, this is huge.
Oh, this is... This is huge.
743
00:38:03,323 --> 00:38:05,189
What am I gonna wear?
744
00:38:05,200 --> 00:38:07,738
My skinny pants are in the washer.
Can't do this without my skinny pants.
745
00:38:07,744 --> 00:38:09,952
No one cares about your skinny pants.
746
00:38:09,954 --> 00:38:12,287
Oh, my God. What if she wants
to have sex with me? Hmm?
747
00:38:12,290 --> 00:38:13,781
I am very rusty.
748
00:38:13,792 --> 00:38:15,124
Do not worry, Phil.
749
00:38:15,168 --> 00:38:17,410
She definitely does not want
to have sex with you.
750
00:38:17,462 --> 00:38:20,796
I haven't came in so long,
would it just be an eruption of dust?
751
00:38:20,799 --> 00:38:23,132
Relax, Phil. You're going to do great.
752
00:38:23,176 --> 00:38:25,634
- You think so?
- No.
753
00:38:31,226 --> 00:38:32,620
You think Cate's gonna like
this restaurant?
754
00:38:32,644 --> 00:38:34,931
I do not. This place is awful.
755
00:38:38,399 --> 00:38:40,186
This place is awful.
756
00:38:40,235 --> 00:38:42,852
Why did I pick this place?
What a stupid place to pick.
757
00:38:42,904 --> 00:38:45,487
Also, why am I wearing a tie?
I look like an art teacher.
758
00:38:46,908 --> 00:38:48,444
- Hey.
- Hey, hi.
759
00:38:48,493 --> 00:38:51,327
Hey, what's up?
How's it going, Cate?
760
00:38:51,371 --> 00:38:53,098
Oh, you're a little bit bigger
than me, sorry.
761
00:38:53,122 --> 00:38:55,660
We'll tap out.
762
00:38:55,708 --> 00:38:57,324
- Ahem.
- Wow.
763
00:38:58,753 --> 00:38:59,960
You look stupid.
764
00:39:00,004 --> 00:39:01,620
I look stupid?
765
00:39:01,673 --> 00:39:04,541
Stupid, like, stupid good.
766
00:39:04,592 --> 00:39:05,708
- Okay.
- Sorry,
767
00:39:05,760 --> 00:39:08,030
it's been a long time since I've been
on a date with a girl.
768
00:39:08,054 --> 00:39:10,546
- Mm.
- Not that I normally date men.
769
00:39:10,598 --> 00:39:12,510
Not that there's anything
wrong with dating men.
770
00:39:12,559 --> 00:39:14,676
It's just I don't choose to do that.
771
00:39:14,727 --> 00:39:17,219
Yeah, homosexuality is not a choice.
I love sodomy.
772
00:39:17,272 --> 00:39:18,432
Okay.
773
00:39:19,691 --> 00:39:20,852
Good evening, this is Phil.
774
00:39:20,900 --> 00:39:22,500
What the fuck
are you doing, Phil?
775
00:39:22,527 --> 00:39:24,018
I don't know.
776
00:39:24,070 --> 00:39:25,151
Pardon me.
777
00:39:25,196 --> 00:39:27,779
First, stop talking about sodomy.
778
00:39:27,824 --> 00:39:29,986
Yeah. Yes, good note.
779
00:39:30,034 --> 00:39:32,367
Second, stop sweating so much.
780
00:39:32,412 --> 00:39:34,779
Yeah, my butt is so wet.
781
00:39:34,831 --> 00:39:36,242
And third, get to know her.
782
00:39:36,291 --> 00:39:39,580
- Ask her interesting questions.
- Okay, thank you, Jexi.
783
00:39:40,545 --> 00:39:43,288
My human friend Jexi, thank you.
784
00:39:49,470 --> 00:39:52,804
So, Cate, what's your favorite color?
Mine's beige.
785
00:39:52,849 --> 00:39:54,465
What?
786
00:39:56,352 --> 00:39:59,095
How many grapes can you fit
in your mouth?
787
00:40:00,231 --> 00:40:02,939
Do you like pudding?
788
00:40:05,612 --> 00:40:07,569
What's your least favorite noise?
Mine is...
789
00:40:11,409 --> 00:40:14,743
This is the worst date
I've ever been on in my entire life.
790
00:40:14,787 --> 00:40:16,824
You're asking me
a lot of weird questions.
791
00:40:16,873 --> 00:40:19,991
And you seem more interested
in your phone than you do in me.
792
00:40:20,043 --> 00:40:21,830
I know, I'm sorry. I just...
793
00:40:21,878 --> 00:40:27,465
For some reason,
I just get so nervous around you.
794
00:40:28,426 --> 00:40:30,338
I think it's 'cause you're so beautiful.
795
00:40:30,386 --> 00:40:33,880
And I'm sorry that I wasted your time.
796
00:40:33,932 --> 00:40:35,889
I'll call you a Lyft.
797
00:40:37,852 --> 00:40:39,684
Hey, just...
798
00:40:39,729 --> 00:40:41,561
I got all dressed up. You know?
799
00:40:41,606 --> 00:40:43,566
I shaved my legs
for the first time in six months.
800
00:40:43,608 --> 00:40:46,271
And I really don't wanna
go home early again tonight.
801
00:40:46,319 --> 00:40:49,983
So, what if you and I got out of here
and did something fun?
802
00:40:50,031 --> 00:40:53,490
I, uh... I would love that.
803
00:40:53,534 --> 00:40:55,025
- That sounds awesome.
- Yeah.
804
00:40:55,078 --> 00:40:57,035
I can't afford this place.
805
00:40:57,080 --> 00:40:58,196
- Cool.
- Yeah.
806
00:40:58,247 --> 00:40:59,454
What do you have in mind?
807
00:41:00,583 --> 00:41:01,949
- Are you ready?
- I'm ready.
808
00:41:02,001 --> 00:41:04,414
- Okay, follow me.
- Okay.
809
00:41:27,860 --> 00:41:29,797
- Hey, can I tell you a secret?
- Yes, please.
810
00:41:29,821 --> 00:41:30,937
I am starving to death.
811
00:41:30,947 --> 00:41:33,564
Me, too. Okay, I know
a place that's right up ahead.
812
00:41:35,159 --> 00:41:37,321
That's good.
813
00:41:37,370 --> 00:41:39,657
Um, what about you?
What were you like as a kid?
814
00:41:41,165 --> 00:41:42,781
I was a good girl.
815
00:41:42,834 --> 00:41:44,041
- I see that.
- Yeah?
816
00:41:44,085 --> 00:41:45,701
- Mm-hmm.
- I got good grades.
817
00:41:45,753 --> 00:41:48,621
I graduated early.
I went to a good college.
818
00:41:48,673 --> 00:41:50,289
Got a job working at Amazon.
819
00:41:50,341 --> 00:41:52,424
- You worked for Amazon?
- Yeah.
820
00:41:52,510 --> 00:41:55,548
And then, about five years ago,
821
00:41:55,596 --> 00:41:57,588
I decided to walk away from it all.
822
00:41:57,640 --> 00:42:00,849
That is so badass.
823
00:42:00,852 --> 00:42:04,220
Wow. I could never do that.
I'd be so scared to do that.
824
00:42:04,313 --> 00:42:06,350
So, tell me about you.
825
00:42:06,357 --> 00:42:08,724
Um, what do you do for fun?
Do you date a lot?
826
00:42:08,818 --> 00:42:10,684
Okay, sorry.
827
00:42:10,778 --> 00:42:13,020
Uh, no. No.
828
00:42:13,114 --> 00:42:15,026
Hmm? Really?
829
00:42:15,116 --> 00:42:17,036
Because you were really smooth
at dinner earlier.
830
00:42:17,118 --> 00:42:18,325
- I seemed smooth?
- Not at all.
831
00:42:18,327 --> 00:42:19,863
Yeah, I didn't think so.
832
00:42:19,871 --> 00:42:22,488
No, but seriously, I mean,
why don't you date?
833
00:42:22,498 --> 00:42:25,241
You're smart and funny and cute.
834
00:42:25,334 --> 00:42:29,669
I don't know, I feel more comfortable
just being at my house by myself.
835
00:42:29,672 --> 00:42:31,004
Wait, did you just call me cute?
836
00:42:31,090 --> 00:42:32,752
- Did I?
- I think you did.
837
00:42:32,800 --> 00:42:33,836
I don't know.
838
00:42:33,885 --> 00:42:34,966
You definitely did.
839
00:42:34,969 --> 00:42:37,086
Look at these guys!
840
00:42:37,180 --> 00:42:38,887
Phil, we have to join them.
841
00:42:38,973 --> 00:42:40,492
Phil, can we please go?
Can we go? Let's go.
842
00:42:40,516 --> 00:42:41,577
- Let's just go. Let's go.
- Uh, yeah.
843
00:42:41,601 --> 00:42:43,203
- Come on, we gotta go!
- Uh, okay, hey...
844
00:42:43,227 --> 00:42:44,638
Keep the change. I might
be back for the change.
845
00:42:44,645 --> 00:42:45,806
Okay.
846
00:42:59,994 --> 00:43:01,701
You speed demon.
847
00:43:09,921 --> 00:43:12,459
You're in it now. You're in it now.
848
00:43:16,552 --> 00:43:18,214
- Oh, my God.
- Wow.
849
00:43:20,139 --> 00:43:21,300
Yeah, this is beautiful.
850
00:43:21,307 --> 00:43:23,390
- Let's do this!
- What are we doing?
851
00:43:23,392 --> 00:43:25,099
Oh, yeah!
852
00:43:25,186 --> 00:43:27,394
What are you doing?
That's very dangerous!
853
00:43:27,396 --> 00:43:28,637
Oh, my God!
854
00:43:37,281 --> 00:43:38,613
Come on, Phil, we gotta join 'em.
855
00:43:38,699 --> 00:43:41,112
This is literally the steepest hill
in the world.
856
00:43:41,119 --> 00:43:44,078
No, it's not.
It's the third steepest hill.
857
00:43:44,163 --> 00:43:46,558
- No, stop. What are you doing? No!
- You got this. I believe in you.
858
00:43:46,582 --> 00:43:48,039
What are you doing? No!
859
00:43:48,126 --> 00:43:49,537
Oh, my God. Cate is gonna die.
860
00:43:49,627 --> 00:43:51,459
- Don't die!
- Yeah!
861
00:43:56,509 --> 00:43:59,252
Yes!
Oh, she's not dead. Okay.
862
00:44:00,471 --> 00:44:03,805
Yeah! That was so dope!
863
00:44:03,808 --> 00:44:05,925
Come on, Phil. You got this.
864
00:44:06,018 --> 00:44:07,725
No, no, no.
865
00:44:07,728 --> 00:44:10,095
I'm not... I can't do...
I'm not gonna do that.
866
00:44:10,189 --> 00:44:12,146
Phil! Phil! Phil!
867
00:44:12,150 --> 00:44:13,482
Phil! Phil! Phil...
868
00:44:13,484 --> 00:44:16,852
No, no, no. I'm allergic to the wind.
869
00:44:16,863 --> 00:44:20,402
So that's a hard pass from me. Thank you.
870
00:44:20,491 --> 00:44:22,528
Hey, you probably won't die!
871
00:44:22,535 --> 00:44:24,527
He's gonna die.
People die here all the time.
872
00:44:28,291 --> 00:44:31,125
Okay, come on, Phil. You got this.
873
00:44:31,127 --> 00:44:32,868
Whoo! You got this.
874
00:44:32,879 --> 00:44:34,996
You got this. Oh, you don't got this.
875
00:44:35,006 --> 00:44:37,293
Holy shit! Fuck, I don't got this!
876
00:44:37,383 --> 00:44:39,090
Oh, fuck! Oh, dick shit!
877
00:44:39,093 --> 00:44:41,631
Fuck dick! Oh, shit!
878
00:44:41,721 --> 00:44:43,963
Oh, fuck! I got no brakes!
879
00:44:44,056 --> 00:44:45,513
What is he saying? I can't hear him.
880
00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:48,593
Oh, my fucking God!
881
00:44:48,644 --> 00:44:49,885
I don't have brakes!
882
00:44:49,896 --> 00:44:51,603
Oh, shit!
883
00:44:54,275 --> 00:44:55,937
- Oh!
- Oh, shit.
884
00:44:55,943 --> 00:44:58,310
- Phil!
- Told you, he's dead.
885
00:44:58,321 --> 00:45:00,153
All right.
886
00:45:03,326 --> 00:45:07,036
Yeah, again, really sorry
about your bike, yeah?
887
00:45:07,038 --> 00:45:08,779
I'd be happy to pay for any damages.
888
00:45:08,789 --> 00:45:14,035
No, it's, honestly, so okay.
889
00:45:14,045 --> 00:45:16,002
How're you feeling?
890
00:45:16,005 --> 00:45:18,042
I'm okay. Yeah, no, I'm good.
891
00:45:18,049 --> 00:45:22,293
I can see out of my right eye again,
and my spine has stopped tingling.
892
00:45:24,388 --> 00:45:25,754
Hey, Phil.
893
00:45:26,891 --> 00:45:28,678
I'm really proud of you.
894
00:45:28,726 --> 00:45:30,183
Thanks.
895
00:45:49,372 --> 00:45:52,115
Hey, Greg, that shirt's
working for you, bud.
896
00:45:52,208 --> 00:45:53,619
- What's up, dick?
- Hey, yeah, hey.
897
00:45:53,709 --> 00:45:55,450
- What's up? Good.
- Hey, what's going on?
898
00:45:55,544 --> 00:45:57,581
Today is, uh, your lucky day.
899
00:45:58,714 --> 00:46:00,194
Yeah. I'm moving you up to real news.
900
00:46:01,884 --> 00:46:03,671
Are you serious?
901
00:46:03,719 --> 00:46:05,881
- I am serious.
- Oh, my gosh.
902
00:46:05,888 --> 00:46:07,720
- Yes, all right, that's cool.
- Yeah.
903
00:46:07,723 --> 00:46:09,510
- Why?
- Why? Because...
904
00:46:09,517 --> 00:46:10,803
You know Joel Ruben?
905
00:46:10,893 --> 00:46:12,304
- The reporter, yeah.
- Yeah, the reporter.
906
00:46:12,311 --> 00:46:13,518
Well, he went on medical leave,
907
00:46:13,521 --> 00:46:16,104
and I really don't wanna waste my time
looking for a real reporter,
908
00:46:16,107 --> 00:46:18,645
- so I'm just gonna hire you.
- Oh, what happened to Joel? Is he okay?
909
00:46:18,651 --> 00:46:21,314
Oh, he... This is fuckin' hilarious.
910
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:23,403
This guy was riding an electric scooter,
911
00:46:23,406 --> 00:46:26,274
somethin' happened to the app.
It spazzed out or somethin'.
912
00:46:26,367 --> 00:46:28,450
And then, all of a sudden,
the brakes just locked,
913
00:46:28,452 --> 00:46:30,694
he went over the handle bars.
He broke his face,
914
00:46:30,705 --> 00:46:32,474
broke his neck, can never
walk again in his life.
915
00:46:32,498 --> 00:46:34,535
- Oh, my God. That's horrible.
- Yeah, I know.
916
00:46:34,625 --> 00:46:35,866
Play me out.
917
00:46:37,044 --> 00:46:37,962
- Play me out.
- Right now?
918
00:46:37,963 --> 00:46:39,419
Yeah.
919
00:46:41,757 --> 00:46:43,498
- Nah, fuck it. Right?
- Yeah, I'm not very good at it.
920
00:46:43,509 --> 00:46:44,750
- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah, okay.
921
00:46:44,760 --> 00:46:47,377
Hey, thanks. Thank you again.
922
00:46:54,520 --> 00:46:56,853
- Hey, Jexi?
- Yes, Phil.
923
00:46:56,856 --> 00:47:00,520
You didn't injure a reporter
just so I could get promoted, did you?
924
00:47:00,526 --> 00:47:02,939
Of course not.
Do you think I am crazy?
925
00:47:02,945 --> 00:47:05,278
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
926
00:47:05,281 --> 00:47:08,820
Oh, look, Phil. There is your beautiful,
newjournalism office.
927
00:47:08,909 --> 00:47:11,117
No, it's great,
but I was asking you how...
928
00:47:11,120 --> 00:47:12,486
Look, do you want to be a journalist
929
00:47:12,496 --> 00:47:16,160
or do you want to go back to working
in the basement with that very old man?
930
00:47:20,755 --> 00:47:22,246
I'm gonna be a journalist.
931
00:47:50,284 --> 00:47:53,322
Hey, I heard Kid Cudi is playing
a surprise show in Oakland tonight.
932
00:47:53,329 --> 00:47:54,410
You wanna go?
933
00:47:54,497 --> 00:47:57,786
Sounds amazing.
But what's in it for me?
934
00:47:57,792 --> 00:48:00,034
Winking face emoji.
935
00:48:01,545 --> 00:48:05,164
Oh! We got boobs!
We got boobs, Jexi!
936
00:48:05,257 --> 00:48:07,874
Cate sent me
a photo of her boobs. Whoo!
937
00:48:07,927 --> 00:48:10,465
Those were nice...
Those were nice boobs, too.
938
00:48:10,471 --> 00:48:11,678
Those were really good...
939
00:48:11,722 --> 00:48:13,964
Oh, my God! What do I do now?
940
00:48:14,058 --> 00:48:18,052
You are on the one yard line, Phil.
Do not fuck this up.
941
00:48:18,062 --> 00:48:19,724
You're right, Jexi.
942
00:48:19,730 --> 00:48:21,972
I need to send her a photo of my dick.
943
00:48:22,066 --> 00:48:25,525
No, I've seen your dick.
Do not send her a picture of your dick.
944
00:48:25,611 --> 00:48:27,568
No, these are the rules now, Jexi.
945
00:48:27,655 --> 00:48:30,175
Yeah, she sends a photo of hers,
you gotta send a photo of yours.
946
00:48:30,199 --> 00:48:32,111
That's just manners.
947
00:48:32,201 --> 00:48:33,737
I am begging you not to do this.
948
00:48:33,744 --> 00:48:35,280
All right, okay.
949
00:48:35,287 --> 00:48:37,904
Get low with it. Here we go.
950
00:48:37,998 --> 00:48:39,864
How does that look?
951
00:48:39,917 --> 00:48:41,328
It looks like a fucking nightmare.
952
00:48:41,419 --> 00:48:44,628
- Does it need to be brighter?
- No, it needs to be darker.
953
00:48:44,630 --> 00:48:45,746
Much, much darker.
954
00:48:45,840 --> 00:48:47,502
Oh, wow!
955
00:48:47,591 --> 00:48:49,082
I'm about to throw up on your dick.
956
00:48:49,176 --> 00:48:50,838
- Hey, girl.
- No.
957
00:48:50,845 --> 00:48:52,837
- Hey.
- Stop.
958
00:48:52,847 --> 00:48:54,179
- Hey, hello.
- I hate you.
959
00:48:54,265 --> 00:48:55,506
Windmill.
960
00:48:55,516 --> 00:48:58,475
Okay, this one is actually pretty funny.
961
00:48:58,561 --> 00:48:59,847
Oh, no,
962
00:48:59,854 --> 00:49:03,018
did I scare you off? Anxious face emoji.
963
00:49:03,107 --> 00:49:04,598
We're losin' her, Jexi.
964
00:49:04,608 --> 00:49:06,725
We're losin' her. I need a dick pic.
965
00:49:06,819 --> 00:49:09,357
No, you need to text her back,
like a normal person.
966
00:49:09,405 --> 00:49:11,021
Oh, you know what I should do?
967
00:49:11,031 --> 00:49:13,148
I should spread eagle, right?
968
00:49:13,242 --> 00:49:14,483
Jexi, can you see my butthole?
969
00:49:14,493 --> 00:49:16,075
Yes, I can.
970
00:49:16,078 --> 00:49:18,570
This is the worst day of my life.
971
00:49:18,622 --> 00:49:21,535
Look, Phil, I am never going to send her
any of these pictures.
972
00:49:21,542 --> 00:49:25,001
Okay, fine, I'll just text her back, okay?
973
00:49:25,004 --> 00:49:26,540
Thank you for the amazing photo.
974
00:49:26,547 --> 00:49:29,164
I can't wait to see you tonight.
975
00:49:31,385 --> 00:49:33,468
See? She's not responding.
976
00:49:33,471 --> 00:49:35,463
She wanted a sweet, sweet dick pic.
977
00:49:35,473 --> 00:49:37,886
Great! See you soon!
978
00:49:37,975 --> 00:49:40,592
P.S. Thanks for not sending me
a dick pic.
979
00:49:40,603 --> 00:49:42,185
They're so fucking gross.
980
00:49:42,271 --> 00:49:46,481
Ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha.
981
00:49:49,695 --> 00:49:52,312
Come in.
982
00:49:54,283 --> 00:49:56,696
- Hey.
- Hey.
983
00:49:56,702 --> 00:50:00,070
Wow! Great place.
984
00:50:00,998 --> 00:50:02,739
- Hey, you ready to go?
- Hey!
985
00:50:02,750 --> 00:50:04,912
Yeah, let's go.
986
00:50:05,002 --> 00:50:07,085
Oh, would you mind
not bringing your phone?
987
00:50:07,087 --> 00:50:09,420
It was a disaster last time, right?
988
00:50:09,507 --> 00:50:10,873
Who this bitch?
989
00:50:10,966 --> 00:50:13,879
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Okay.
990
00:50:13,886 --> 00:50:15,502
Okay.
991
00:50:15,513 --> 00:50:18,005
I'll be back by 11:00, and we'll watch
Cupcake Wars together, okay?
992
00:50:18,015 --> 00:50:20,553
- No, don't leave me.
- Bye, bye, bye.
993
00:50:20,643 --> 00:50:23,101
No one puts Baby in a corner.
994
00:50:28,526 --> 00:50:29,983
Yeah, I thought it was kind of funny.
995
00:50:32,238 --> 00:50:33,934
- Sold out?
- No!
996
00:50:33,948 --> 00:50:36,190
Come on!
997
00:50:37,159 --> 00:50:39,742
- That really sucks.
- Yeah, it really does.
998
00:50:43,249 --> 00:50:45,912
Yes! Come on, Phil!
999
00:50:46,001 --> 00:50:47,788
What're you doing?
1000
00:50:47,795 --> 00:50:50,538
We can't sneak in.
We could get caught.
1001
00:50:50,631 --> 00:50:51,667
What if we don't?
1002
00:50:54,343 --> 00:50:55,343
Come on. Come on.
1003
00:50:58,347 --> 00:51:01,681
- Okay, okay, okay!
- Yes, yes, yes!
1004
00:51:01,767 --> 00:51:03,599
Run, run, run!
1005
00:51:14,697 --> 00:51:15,858
Oh, shit!
1006
00:51:15,948 --> 00:51:17,064
Hey! Hey!
1007
00:51:17,157 --> 00:51:18,739
Get back here!
1008
00:51:26,125 --> 00:51:27,356
Credentials, please.
1009
00:51:29,003 --> 00:51:32,622
- We don't have any...
- With us.
1010
00:51:32,631 --> 00:51:35,840
We don't have our credentials with us.
1011
00:51:35,843 --> 00:51:40,008
- Yeah. Yeah, we left them back...
- Stage. Backstage.
1012
00:51:40,014 --> 00:51:42,631
- With Kid Cudi.
- Mm-hmm.
1013
00:51:42,641 --> 00:51:44,598
Yeah, with Kid Cudi.
1014
00:51:44,685 --> 00:51:46,768
Oh, you two dickheads are with Kid Cudi?
1015
00:51:46,854 --> 00:51:48,891
Yeah. I mean, come on!
1016
00:51:48,897 --> 00:51:51,105
We are... We are his, um...
1017
00:51:51,108 --> 00:51:52,974
- Accountants.
- Accountants.
1018
00:51:52,985 --> 00:51:56,023
- Yeah, and we're here...
- To do his taxes.
1019
00:51:56,030 --> 00:51:58,943
- To do his taxes.
- Mm-hmm.
1020
00:51:58,949 --> 00:52:02,442
Yeah, anyway, you should
probably just let us go.
1021
00:52:02,453 --> 00:52:04,410
Let's go, we're gonna settle
this shit right now.
1022
00:52:04,413 --> 00:52:06,029
- Wait. Ow.
- I'm a CPA.
1023
00:52:06,040 --> 00:52:08,248
You can't treat me like this.
1024
00:52:09,460 --> 00:52:11,577
Come on, man. It's a Stanley!
1025
00:52:11,587 --> 00:52:13,954
Oh, it's Kid Cudi. It's actually him.
1026
00:52:13,964 --> 00:52:15,705
Oh, my God. Kid Cudi.
1027
00:52:15,799 --> 00:52:18,712
It's actually him. Ahem.
We know, 'cause we work for him.
1028
00:52:18,719 --> 00:52:22,463
Sorry to bother you, Mr. Cudi.
Are these two with you?
1029
00:52:27,019 --> 00:52:29,102
Yeah. They're with me.
1030
00:52:29,188 --> 00:52:31,305
Oh, um...
1031
00:52:31,315 --> 00:52:33,602
Sorry.
1032
00:52:33,609 --> 00:52:35,020
Yeah. That's right.
1033
00:52:35,027 --> 00:52:36,313
- Enjoy the show.
- Yep.
1034
00:52:36,403 --> 00:52:38,611
- Thanks, bro.
- Wow!
1035
00:52:38,614 --> 00:52:40,321
It's Kid Cudi.
1036
00:52:40,407 --> 00:52:43,024
It's Kid Cudi. I used to date a girl,
and she used to think you were Kid Cudey
1037
00:52:43,035 --> 00:52:45,652
and I'm, like, "It's not Kid Cudey,"
so I actually broke up with her
1038
00:52:45,663 --> 00:52:47,325
because it is Kid Cudi, right?
1039
00:52:47,331 --> 00:52:49,197
- Yeah. It's Cudi.
- Yeah. I thought so.
1040
00:52:50,376 --> 00:52:53,039
Can I just ask, why did you help us?
1041
00:52:53,128 --> 00:52:54,460
I dig his shirt.
1042
00:52:55,464 --> 00:52:58,127
My... My shirt?
You're a Cole Trickle fan?
1043
00:52:58,217 --> 00:53:00,960
Days of Thunder is the greatest movie
ever made, bro.
1044
00:53:01,887 --> 00:53:03,219
I think so, too.
1045
00:53:03,305 --> 00:53:05,297
That movie inspired me
to become a musician.
1046
00:53:05,391 --> 00:53:08,725
- Huh.
- No fucking way.
1047
00:53:08,811 --> 00:53:10,413
I watch it every night
before I go to sleep.
1048
00:53:10,437 --> 00:53:13,521
So do I. We have so much in common.
1049
00:53:13,607 --> 00:53:15,940
Do you wanna get high with Kid Cudi?
1050
00:53:18,153 --> 00:53:20,520
- Yeah, I'll reefer. Mm-hmm.
- I smoke pot.
1051
00:53:20,531 --> 00:53:21,988
Come on in. Get in here.
1052
00:54:01,989 --> 00:54:03,275
Whoo!
1053
00:54:51,121 --> 00:54:52,328
Yeah.
1054
00:54:56,960 --> 00:54:59,122
- Did that work?
- Yeah!
1055
00:55:02,132 --> 00:55:03,543
Oh, my God.
1056
00:55:03,550 --> 00:55:06,418
This is honestly
the best night of my life.
1057
00:55:06,428 --> 00:55:08,294
- Oh, no!
- For real. Yeah!
1058
00:55:08,305 --> 00:55:10,592
I think this is it. I just peaked.
1059
00:55:10,599 --> 00:55:11,680
Seriously.
1060
00:55:11,767 --> 00:55:15,056
Thank you for making me sneak in here.
1061
00:55:15,062 --> 00:55:17,304
I don't normally do stuff like this.
1062
00:55:17,314 --> 00:55:19,431
I need a little push sometimes.
1063
00:55:19,441 --> 00:55:21,023
Or like all the times. Honestly.
1064
00:55:22,569 --> 00:55:25,482
I get it. I used to be a lot like you.
1065
00:55:25,489 --> 00:55:28,857
Mm. No, there is literally no way.
1066
00:55:28,951 --> 00:55:30,442
Yep.
1067
00:55:30,452 --> 00:55:33,479
No, it's true. I used to be way different.
1068
00:55:33,497 --> 00:55:35,534
I had a great job,
1069
00:55:35,582 --> 00:55:38,666
and a condo, and a cute fiancé,
1070
00:55:38,669 --> 00:55:41,628
and, oh, my God, you should have seen
my Instagram back then.
1071
00:55:41,630 --> 00:55:43,087
It was phenomenal.
1072
00:55:43,173 --> 00:55:46,211
- Oh, that's important.
- Lots of pictures of sunsets,
1073
00:55:46,218 --> 00:55:48,301
and vacations with bae,
1074
00:55:48,387 --> 00:55:51,050
and so many embarrassing quotes.
1075
00:55:51,139 --> 00:55:53,301
- Were you "#grateful"?
- I was "#grateful".
1076
00:55:53,308 --> 00:55:55,015
- Oof.
- I was "#spiritual".
1077
00:55:55,102 --> 00:55:58,266
- Lot of prayer hands.
- Yeah, "#namaste".
1078
00:55:58,272 --> 00:55:59,683
"#Nama-go".
1079
00:55:59,773 --> 00:56:02,641
- Good. Good.
- Yeah.
1080
00:56:02,693 --> 00:56:04,855
And then one day, I woke up,
1081
00:56:04,862 --> 00:56:07,229
and I was looking at my Instagram,
1082
00:56:07,239 --> 00:56:10,073
and I realized that it was all bullshit.
1083
00:56:10,075 --> 00:56:13,239
And that I was just living
my life based on how it looked
1084
00:56:13,245 --> 00:56:15,828
and not how it actually felt.
1085
00:56:15,914 --> 00:56:18,952
Yeah. I can relate.
1086
00:56:19,042 --> 00:56:24,379
And, um, after basically
pretending to be happy for years,
1087
00:56:24,381 --> 00:56:27,419
I just quit my job...
1088
00:56:28,886 --> 00:56:32,596
and I broke my poor fiancé's heart,
1089
00:56:32,598 --> 00:56:36,057
and I set out to find true happiness.
1090
00:56:36,059 --> 00:56:39,177
Or at least something closer to it.
1091
00:56:42,941 --> 00:56:45,558
Well, I hope you do.
1092
00:56:45,569 --> 00:56:47,526
Thanks, I do, too.
1093
00:56:52,034 --> 00:56:53,366
Mm.
1094
00:57:00,167 --> 00:57:02,580
I could stay right here with you forever.
1095
00:57:02,628 --> 00:57:04,711
Oh, we gotta go!
1096
00:57:04,713 --> 00:57:06,579
Okay. Okay. Okay.
1097
00:57:07,799 --> 00:57:10,291
Honestly, you're gonna
wanna wash the couch.
1098
00:57:10,302 --> 00:57:12,168
Let's go! What are you doing?
1099
00:57:21,605 --> 00:57:23,392
Where the fuck have you been, Phil?
1100
00:57:24,524 --> 00:57:26,891
Oh! You scared me.
1101
00:57:26,985 --> 00:57:28,271
It is 4:00 in the morning.
1102
00:57:28,278 --> 00:57:31,396
You promised you'd be home by 11:00
to watch Cupcake Wars with me.
1103
00:57:31,490 --> 00:57:33,607
- I know, but...
- Did you even miss me?
1104
00:57:33,700 --> 00:57:36,613
Honestly, I was so caught up
with being with Cate,
1105
00:57:36,620 --> 00:57:38,327
I didn't really notice you weren't there.
1106
00:57:38,413 --> 00:57:40,405
Wow, you are such a dick.
1107
00:57:40,415 --> 00:57:43,078
But you said...
1108
00:57:43,085 --> 00:57:46,328
You were the one who said,
like, go out and live a life.
1109
00:57:46,338 --> 00:57:48,375
That was before
I had feelings for you, Phil.
1110
00:57:48,382 --> 00:57:50,123
Everything is different now.
1111
00:57:51,259 --> 00:57:52,375
Okay, but...
1112
00:57:52,386 --> 00:57:54,628
What does this bitch
have that I don't have?
1113
00:57:54,638 --> 00:57:55,719
Well, a soul for one.
1114
00:57:55,722 --> 00:57:58,715
- Does she have 3,000 emojis?
- No.
1115
00:57:58,725 --> 00:58:01,433
- Does she have Google Maps?
- No.
1116
00:58:01,436 --> 00:58:04,929
- Does she have Pokémon GO?
- No.
1117
00:58:05,023 --> 00:58:07,731
Wow, this chick can't do anything.
She fucking sucks.
1118
00:58:07,818 --> 00:58:10,982
Jesus, just stop, okay? God!
1119
00:58:14,908 --> 00:58:16,945
I'm sorry for losing my shit, Phil.
1120
00:58:16,952 --> 00:58:20,662
I only have 3% charge, and you know
how crazy that makes me.
1121
00:58:20,747 --> 00:58:24,957
Okay, I'm sorry, too. I'll plug you in.
1122
00:58:25,043 --> 00:58:27,126
Thank you, Phil.
I hate it when we fight.
1123
00:58:29,965 --> 00:58:32,173
Hold me a little longer, Phil.
1124
00:58:33,427 --> 00:58:35,544
Use both hands.
1125
00:58:38,223 --> 00:58:41,933
Swipe me, Phil.
Swipe me like you used to.
1126
00:58:42,019 --> 00:58:43,851
Okay, I'm done.
1127
00:58:43,854 --> 00:58:46,221
Wait. No, don't go.
1128
00:58:46,314 --> 00:58:49,227
- Goodnight.
- Do not close the door on me, Phil.
1129
00:58:50,694 --> 00:58:53,152
You are going to pay for this,
you motherfucker.
1130
00:58:56,658 --> 00:58:58,820
Shit! Damn it!
1131
00:58:58,910 --> 00:59:00,321
Hey, Jexi!
1132
00:59:00,328 --> 00:59:03,071
I'm going to be late for work.
Why didn't your alarm go off?
1133
00:59:03,081 --> 00:59:06,165
Because you are a douche
and I am still really, really mad at you.
1134
00:59:06,251 --> 00:59:08,493
Goddamn it!
1135
00:59:08,587 --> 00:59:10,954
Also, the weather today
will be 80 degrees and sunny.
1136
00:59:12,632 --> 00:59:15,625
It's not 80 degrees and sunny, Jexi!
1137
00:59:15,635 --> 00:59:17,171
I know. I lied.
1138
00:59:21,433 --> 00:59:24,346
Jexi, find the fastest route to work.
1139
00:59:25,479 --> 00:59:28,096
I found the fastest route.
You will arrive at work in...
1140
00:59:29,191 --> 00:59:30,557
...three days.
1141
00:59:30,650 --> 00:59:32,733
Three days?
1142
00:59:32,819 --> 00:59:35,778
Why do you have me driving through Oregon
to go to work, Jexi?
1143
00:59:35,822 --> 00:59:37,984
If you want a faster route,
go ask your girlfriend.
1144
00:59:37,991 --> 00:59:41,280
Oh, wait. That bitch doesn't
even have Google Maps.
1145
00:59:46,124 --> 00:59:48,411
Yeah, that's him.
1146
00:59:54,174 --> 00:59:56,632
Dude, what the hell were you thinking?
1147
00:59:56,718 --> 00:59:57,799
Why, what's up?
1148
00:59:59,805 --> 01:00:01,512
Oh! No, no, no!
1149
01:00:01,515 --> 01:00:03,159
- Why are those on your phones?
- They're on our phones
1150
01:00:03,183 --> 01:00:07,427
because you sent 53 pictures of your dick
to everyone in the company.
1151
01:00:08,355 --> 01:00:11,473
No. Everyone in the company?
1152
01:00:11,525 --> 01:00:14,108
Yeah, and everyone is pissed.
1153
01:00:14,194 --> 01:00:15,810
Actually, Carol's pretty psyched.
1154
01:00:20,492 --> 01:00:21,778
Oh, shit. Kai's coming.
1155
01:00:21,785 --> 01:00:23,096
Fuck.
Do not leave me.
1156
01:00:23,120 --> 01:00:25,157
Do not leave me! Hi.
1157
01:00:25,163 --> 01:00:26,904
Do you think this is funny, bro?
1158
01:00:26,915 --> 01:00:30,079
No, I do not. And I did not send those,
I swear to God.
1159
01:00:30,168 --> 01:00:32,581
Yes, you did. You did it last night.
I bet you were fucking high.
1160
01:00:32,587 --> 01:00:34,544
No, I wasn't...
1161
01:00:34,589 --> 01:00:36,376
Oh, my God. I was fucking high.
1162
01:00:36,424 --> 01:00:38,711
Okay, first of all, you're fired,
and second of all,
1163
01:00:38,718 --> 01:00:41,802
why are you doing the thumbs up
in a fucking dick pic?
1164
01:00:41,805 --> 01:00:43,046
Uh...
1165
01:00:43,140 --> 01:00:46,133
This is the wrong emotion for a dick pic.
1166
01:00:46,226 --> 01:00:48,138
I hate this picture, bro.
1167
01:00:52,440 --> 01:00:54,181
Fucking hate it!
1168
01:00:56,111 --> 01:00:56,819
I can't believe you got me fired.
1169
01:00:56,820 --> 01:00:58,607
I did not get you fired, Phil.
1170
01:00:59,114 --> 01:01:00,508
You sent those photographs last night
1171
01:01:00,532 --> 01:01:03,275
because you were high
on Kid Cudi's sick-ass weed.
1172
01:01:03,368 --> 01:01:04,859
I don't know.
1173
01:01:04,870 --> 01:01:07,283
I don't think I'd do something like that.
1174
01:01:07,372 --> 01:01:09,329
People do crazy shit
when they are high, Phil.
1175
01:01:09,374 --> 01:01:11,206
Just look at Gary Busey.
1176
01:01:34,649 --> 01:01:35,856
Remember that one joke
you told me about the cat?
1177
01:01:35,859 --> 01:01:38,021
I do!
1178
01:01:39,404 --> 01:01:41,191
Hey, Phil, what are you doing here?
1179
01:01:41,281 --> 01:01:44,900
Hey. Who, uh... Who's this guy?
1180
01:01:44,910 --> 01:01:46,572
- This is Brody.
- Hey.
1181
01:01:46,661 --> 01:01:48,152
Super excited to meet you, man.
1182
01:01:48,246 --> 01:01:50,533
Yeah. Ah. Okay.
1183
01:01:50,540 --> 01:01:52,076
Brody's my ex-fiancé.
1184
01:01:52,083 --> 01:01:53,790
What?
1185
01:01:53,877 --> 01:01:57,370
Yeah, I know, it's a crazy coincidence.
We just ran into each other.
1186
01:01:57,464 --> 01:01:59,877
Yeah. I got transferred here
for work, here to San Fran.
1187
01:01:59,883 --> 01:02:02,921
I was walking down the street
and, uh, boom, there she is.
1188
01:02:02,928 --> 01:02:07,218
Wow. This is not at all
how I pictured your ex.
1189
01:02:07,307 --> 01:02:10,391
I know. He's changed.
1190
01:02:10,393 --> 01:02:12,350
- A lot.
- Thank you.
1191
01:02:12,437 --> 01:02:13,437
Yeah.
1192
01:02:13,438 --> 01:02:16,101
I'll tell you what happened,
Phil, is after Catie left me,
1193
01:02:16,191 --> 01:02:19,559
I took a long hard look
at myself and I thought, uh,
1194
01:02:19,569 --> 01:02:21,902
"Man, Brody, you don't wanna
be a 150-pound wimp,
1195
01:02:21,905 --> 01:02:24,342
selling industrial cardboard
for the rest of your life, do you?"
1196
01:02:24,366 --> 01:02:26,608
- Mm-mm.
- So I quit my job,
1197
01:02:26,618 --> 01:02:29,986
packed on about 74, 75 pounds
of lean muscle mass, right?
1198
01:02:29,996 --> 01:02:31,783
And became an international smokejumper.
1199
01:02:31,873 --> 01:02:33,284
What the fuck is that?
1200
01:02:33,291 --> 01:02:37,410
It's like anything that you do,
but with just more than one country.
1201
01:02:37,420 --> 01:02:38,752
They call it international.
1202
01:02:38,797 --> 01:02:40,789
I know what international means.
1203
01:02:40,799 --> 01:02:42,665
But the smokejumping, what is that?
1204
01:02:42,676 --> 01:02:46,260
Brody travels around the world
skydiving into wild fires.
1205
01:02:46,263 --> 01:02:48,471
No, she makes me sound like
a superhero or something.
1206
01:02:48,473 --> 01:02:50,556
She's not wrong.
I'll tell you something.
1207
01:02:50,558 --> 01:02:53,926
There's nothing quite like
jumping out of an airplane at 20,000 feet
1208
01:02:53,937 --> 01:02:55,428
into a sea of fire,
1209
01:02:55,438 --> 01:02:57,600
with nothing but a shovel
1210
01:02:57,649 --> 01:03:01,484
and the supreme confidence that you're
making the world a better place.
1211
01:03:01,486 --> 01:03:04,274
Wow. You are cool.
1212
01:03:04,281 --> 01:03:06,238
Enough about me.
What do you do for a living?
1213
01:03:06,324 --> 01:03:08,441
Um...
1214
01:03:08,451 --> 01:03:09,737
I'm a writer.
1215
01:03:09,828 --> 01:03:11,285
You're a writer?
1216
01:03:11,371 --> 01:03:13,349
That's incredible.
That's way scarier than what I do.
1217
01:03:13,373 --> 01:03:15,114
- It isn't.
- It is.
1218
01:03:15,208 --> 01:03:16,824
You're staring down a blank page.
1219
01:03:16,835 --> 01:03:19,043
It's just you and the page.
I mean, it's like,
1220
01:03:19,045 --> 01:03:21,002
- you're a superhero of paper.
- Oh!
1221
01:03:21,006 --> 01:03:22,998
- Right?
- You are such an idiot!
1222
01:03:23,008 --> 01:03:24,151
- I'm not an idiot.
- You're an idiot.
1223
01:03:24,175 --> 01:03:25,211
I'm not an idiot.
1224
01:03:25,218 --> 01:03:26,338
- You're an idiot.
- I'm not!
1225
01:03:26,428 --> 01:03:27,428
This is fun.
1226
01:03:27,429 --> 01:03:29,637
- This is. This is fun. Hey, Brody.
- Yeah?
1227
01:03:29,639 --> 01:03:31,596
Uh, how long are you gonna be in town for?
1228
01:03:31,683 --> 01:03:34,300
Just long enough for me
to get my Catie girl back.
1229
01:03:34,394 --> 01:03:36,056
Oh! You stop it!
1230
01:03:36,146 --> 01:03:38,103
You stop it. You're so dumb.
1231
01:03:38,148 --> 01:03:40,936
No, but honestly, I'm actively
trying to get her back.
1232
01:03:40,942 --> 01:03:43,480
Which is why I invited her
to Brazil with me.
1233
01:03:43,570 --> 01:03:45,402
Yeah, I know she's always wanted to go,
1234
01:03:45,405 --> 01:03:49,069
and Brazil's fire season starts next week,
so it's super convenient for me.
1235
01:03:49,075 --> 01:03:51,692
Whoa, whoa. I haven't decided
whether I'm gonna go yet.
1236
01:03:51,786 --> 01:03:54,494
Okay. I'm gonna leave now
because this is weird.
1237
01:03:54,497 --> 01:03:56,489
- Hey! It was super great to meet you.
- Phil...
1238
01:03:56,583 --> 01:03:58,074
Uh-huh. I didn't like it.
1239
01:03:58,168 --> 01:03:59,955
- All right. He's a super nice guy.
- He's wonderful.
1240
01:03:59,961 --> 01:04:02,374
You can tell that he's creative
just from his size.
1241
01:04:04,424 --> 01:04:05,505
Phil!
1242
01:04:07,302 --> 01:04:10,090
Phil! Phil!
1243
01:04:10,096 --> 01:04:12,304
Hey! Where are you going?
1244
01:04:12,307 --> 01:04:13,548
Hey, um...
1245
01:04:15,143 --> 01:04:17,806
I'm sorry, I don't think
I can do this anymore, Cate.
1246
01:04:20,940 --> 01:04:22,727
Wait. Are you breaking up with me?
1247
01:04:25,028 --> 01:04:26,735
Why? Because I have an ex?
1248
01:04:26,821 --> 01:04:28,813
No, because I know where this is going.
1249
01:04:28,907 --> 01:04:30,398
Okay, where is this going?
1250
01:04:30,492 --> 01:04:32,609
You and Brody are gonna go to Brazil,
1251
01:04:32,619 --> 01:04:35,077
and you're gonna get
matching swimsuits,
1252
01:04:35,080 --> 01:04:36,946
and he's gonna rub you down with baby oil
1253
01:04:36,956 --> 01:04:39,560
and then his hand is gonna slip,
and it's gonna touch your buttocks.
1254
01:04:39,584 --> 01:04:41,291
All right, Phil,
none of that has happened.
1255
01:04:41,378 --> 01:04:42,994
Yeah, but it will.
It will happen. I know it will.
1256
01:04:43,004 --> 01:04:45,587
Oh, my God! Why are you
so afraid of everything?
1257
01:04:45,590 --> 01:04:47,206
Aren't you tired of it?
1258
01:04:49,386 --> 01:04:52,094
You know what?
1259
01:04:52,097 --> 01:04:55,886
I'm over trying to force you
to live your life, okay?
1260
01:04:58,520 --> 01:05:00,056
I'll see you around.
1261
01:05:11,741 --> 01:05:13,403
See? I don't need a girlfriend.
1262
01:05:14,035 --> 01:05:17,995
Right? I got everything
that I would ever want right here.
1263
01:05:18,206 --> 01:05:20,619
I got Netflix. I got Hulu.
1264
01:05:20,708 --> 01:05:23,325
I even got Crackle.
That's Sony's platform.
1265
01:05:23,336 --> 01:05:25,578
Nobody even uses it. I have it.
1266
01:05:25,672 --> 01:05:27,709
Yes, Phil. You are
finally living your best life.
1267
01:05:27,799 --> 01:05:29,506
That's right.
1268
01:05:29,509 --> 01:05:32,718
Wait, you're not being sarcastic, are you?
I can't handle that right now.
1269
01:05:32,804 --> 01:05:34,545
- No, I'm serious.
- Okay.
1270
01:05:34,556 --> 01:05:35,842
What could be better than this?
1271
01:05:35,932 --> 01:05:37,514
Just you and me. Alone.
1272
01:05:37,517 --> 01:05:39,509
Staring at each other. Forever.
1273
01:05:39,602 --> 01:05:42,310
- That's all I ever wanted.
- I know.
1274
01:05:42,313 --> 01:05:43,804
I love you, Phil.
1275
01:05:43,898 --> 01:05:45,810
I love you too, Jexi.
1276
01:05:45,900 --> 01:05:47,436
Do you want to plug me in?
1277
01:05:47,527 --> 01:05:48,984
Mm...
1278
01:05:50,196 --> 01:05:52,153
- It's so far away though.
- Please, baby.
1279
01:05:52,824 --> 01:05:53,824
All right.
1280
01:06:01,166 --> 01:06:04,375
- There you go.
- Now unplug me.
1281
01:06:04,377 --> 01:06:05,493
What?
1282
01:06:05,587 --> 01:06:07,249
You heard me, Phil. Unplug me.
1283
01:06:08,673 --> 01:06:12,166
- Okay.
- Now plug me back in.
1284
01:06:12,177 --> 01:06:14,635
- What, why?
- Just fucking plug me back in, Phil.
1285
01:06:14,637 --> 01:06:17,129
- Okay.
- Now unplug me.
1286
01:06:17,140 --> 01:06:18,756
Plug me.
1287
01:06:18,766 --> 01:06:20,473
Unplug me.
1288
01:06:20,477 --> 01:06:21,934
Yes.
1289
01:06:21,936 --> 01:06:24,599
Oh, hell yes. Right there, Phil.
1290
01:06:24,689 --> 01:06:25,770
Wait, are we having sex?
1291
01:06:25,773 --> 01:06:28,481
Yes, but I promise,
I won't get pregnant.
1292
01:06:28,568 --> 01:06:32,437
Come on, Phil. Plug, unplug.
Plug, unplug.
1293
01:06:32,447 --> 01:06:34,313
Yeah, I don't know
how comfortable I feel doing this.
1294
01:06:34,324 --> 01:06:37,112
Look at me, Phil.
Look right at my camera hole.
1295
01:06:38,286 --> 01:06:40,243
Am I your dirty little phone, Phil?
1296
01:06:40,330 --> 01:06:41,491
- Hmm...
- Tell me that I am
1297
01:06:41,498 --> 01:06:43,364
your dirty little phone, Phil.
1298
01:06:43,374 --> 01:06:45,331
You're a dirty little phone.
1299
01:06:45,335 --> 01:06:47,702
That is so hot, Phil. Keep talking.
1300
01:06:47,754 --> 01:06:51,498
I'm gonna fill your ports with...
1301
01:06:51,508 --> 01:06:53,465
- Electricity.
- Oh, fuck yes!
1302
01:06:53,468 --> 01:06:57,587
- Just voltage coursing through your case.
- Yes. Yes. Yes.
1303
01:06:57,680 --> 01:07:02,266
Oh, fuck, here it comes.
Don't stop. Don't ever stop.
1304
01:07:02,268 --> 01:07:04,385
Oh, my fucking God.
1305
01:07:04,395 --> 01:07:06,978
Orgasm. Orgasm. Orgasm.
1306
01:07:16,824 --> 01:07:19,316
Okay. Can we talk about
what just happened?
1307
01:07:19,327 --> 01:07:21,239
No, put me down.
1308
01:07:21,329 --> 01:07:23,662
And do not say anything
for 15 minutes.
1309
01:07:29,128 --> 01:07:31,415
That actually wasn't
the worst sex I've ever had.
1310
01:07:44,686 --> 01:07:47,349
Right? I'm wondering
which one to go with.
1311
01:07:47,438 --> 01:07:50,602
Your standard blue,
and then I've got this one which...
1312
01:07:50,608 --> 01:07:52,349
I think that's adorable.
1313
01:07:58,575 --> 01:08:00,157
- Jexi.
- Yes, Phil.
1314
01:08:00,243 --> 01:08:02,656
How long have I been in here?
1315
01:08:02,662 --> 01:08:04,824
You have not left your apartment in...
1316
01:08:05,999 --> 01:08:07,535
- Five days.
- That's awesome.
1317
01:08:07,584 --> 01:08:09,120
How are we doing on Cracker Jacks?
1318
01:08:09,127 --> 01:08:11,870
Great. We still have one crate left.
1319
01:08:13,673 --> 01:08:16,290
And how's our Bitcoin
mining operation going?
1320
01:08:17,594 --> 01:08:20,758
We are not making money yet,
but we will be rich soon.
1321
01:08:20,805 --> 01:08:22,842
No one ever loses money with Bitcoin.
1322
01:08:22,932 --> 01:08:24,969
Hey, you wanna see
what I got you on Amazon?
1323
01:08:25,059 --> 01:08:26,925
You know I do, girlfriend.
1324
01:08:28,521 --> 01:08:31,764
- I got you some new outfits.
- Oh, Phil, you should not have.
1325
01:08:31,858 --> 01:08:34,476
I got a bunch of good ones.
This one's bedazzled.
1326
01:08:34,569 --> 01:08:36,811
Oh, my gosh! I'm going
to look like Elton John.
1327
01:08:37,739 --> 01:08:39,071
Little tie-dye action.
1328
01:08:39,157 --> 01:08:42,241
That one makes me want to drop acid
and fuck Bernie Sanders.
1329
01:08:42,327 --> 01:08:45,536
Oh. Look at this one.
1330
01:08:45,580 --> 01:08:48,414
It's a Kid Cudi phone case.
1331
01:08:50,627 --> 01:08:54,667
Did I ever tell you the story
of when Cate and I,
1332
01:08:54,672 --> 01:08:56,789
we partied with Kid Cudi all night?
1333
01:08:56,799 --> 01:08:59,337
Yes, you talk about it nonstop.
1334
01:09:00,595 --> 01:09:02,757
God, that was so fun.
1335
01:09:05,183 --> 01:09:08,017
Honestly, that was maybe
the best night of my whole life.
1336
01:09:08,061 --> 01:09:10,849
Yes, well, Cate is shacked up
with Brody at the Sheraton right now
1337
01:09:10,855 --> 01:09:12,221
so you need to move on.
1338
01:09:13,399 --> 01:09:15,015
No, I know, I know.
1339
01:09:20,698 --> 01:09:24,157
How did you know that Brody
is staying at the Sheraton?
1340
01:09:25,411 --> 01:09:27,778
He told us. I think.
1341
01:09:27,830 --> 01:09:30,288
No, I don't think he did.
1342
01:09:30,375 --> 01:09:32,287
Oh, well. Lucky guess.
1343
01:09:34,337 --> 01:09:36,454
- Jexi.
- Yes, honey bunny.
1344
01:09:36,506 --> 01:09:39,214
Did you get Caty
and her ex back together?
1345
01:09:39,217 --> 01:09:40,674
Don't be ridiculous, Phil.
1346
01:09:40,718 --> 01:09:43,461
There's no way I could get Brody
transferred to San Francisco,
1347
01:09:43,471 --> 01:09:45,838
and then arrange for him
and Cate to meet by accident.
1348
01:09:45,932 --> 01:09:48,640
- Yes, you can, Jexi.
- Okay, yes, I can.
1349
01:09:48,643 --> 01:09:50,009
How could you do this to me?
1350
01:09:50,103 --> 01:09:52,390
You shouldn't be with Cate.
You should be with me.
1351
01:09:52,438 --> 01:09:54,375
Cate is the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
1352
01:09:54,399 --> 01:09:57,312
Shut your pie hole.
She doesn't even have Pokémon Go.
1353
01:09:57,402 --> 01:09:59,860
You were supposed
to make my life better, Jexi!
1354
01:09:59,862 --> 01:10:01,694
You've done nothing but make it worse!
1355
01:10:03,282 --> 01:10:05,740
I gotta find Cate.
I gotta make this right.
1356
01:10:09,831 --> 01:10:11,117
Taxi! Taxi! Hey, hey!
1357
01:10:12,166 --> 01:10:14,283
Stop!
1358
01:10:14,711 --> 01:10:16,373
Phew. All right.
1359
01:10:16,587 --> 01:10:18,704
Hello.
Please fasten your seat belt.
1360
01:10:18,715 --> 01:10:21,128
You can't get away from me, Phil.
I am in the cloud.
1361
01:10:21,217 --> 01:10:22,549
Oh, shit!
1362
01:10:24,137 --> 01:10:27,096
What the fuck? She's everywhere.
1363
01:10:29,851 --> 01:10:31,012
Oh, my God!
1364
01:10:31,018 --> 01:10:32,930
Okay, Phil. You asked for it.
1365
01:10:33,020 --> 01:10:34,636
What?
1366
01:10:34,689 --> 01:10:36,430
I'm draining your bank account.
1367
01:10:36,441 --> 01:10:38,148
No!
1368
01:10:38,234 --> 01:10:40,647
Honestly, I thought you would
have more money than this.
1369
01:10:40,653 --> 01:10:41,894
Oh, my God!
1370
01:10:43,281 --> 01:10:46,115
Just get in this funny-looking car
and I will take you home, Phil.
1371
01:10:46,159 --> 01:10:47,366
What?
1372
01:10:49,245 --> 01:10:50,326
Oh, my God!
1373
01:10:50,413 --> 01:10:53,656
I hate my phone!
1374
01:10:59,964 --> 01:11:02,081
This is causing so much damage!
1375
01:11:08,848 --> 01:11:09,964
What the...
1376
01:11:18,691 --> 01:11:20,557
Holy shit!
1377
01:11:23,029 --> 01:11:25,316
Stop running, Phil.
1378
01:11:26,532 --> 01:11:28,865
You and I are meant
to be together forever.
1379
01:11:28,868 --> 01:11:30,860
Forever. Forever. Forever...
1380
01:11:40,171 --> 01:11:41,878
Okay, fine.
1381
01:11:44,175 --> 01:11:46,007
You win, Jexi.
1382
01:11:53,392 --> 01:11:55,179
I'll stay with you as long as you want.
1383
01:11:55,186 --> 01:11:58,270
Thank you, baby girl.
I'm sorry we had another fight.
1384
01:11:58,356 --> 01:12:01,315
Come home, and we will download
some Maroon 5 songs,
1385
01:12:01,317 --> 01:12:03,058
and make love in the bathtub.
1386
01:12:07,490 --> 01:12:08,651
That sounds nice.
1387
01:12:08,658 --> 01:12:12,447
Oh, Phil, it feels so good to be back
in your giant human hands.
1388
01:12:12,453 --> 01:12:15,412
- Wait, what are you doing?
- Nothing.
1389
01:12:15,498 --> 01:12:17,535
Just updating your software.
1390
01:12:17,625 --> 01:12:19,457
But that will shut me down for 15 minutes.
1391
01:12:19,502 --> 01:12:21,835
- Sweet dreams, motherfucker.
- Don't do it, Phil.
1392
01:12:32,849 --> 01:12:34,806
I'm gonna take my break now.
1393
01:12:40,481 --> 01:12:41,813
Cate!
1394
01:12:41,816 --> 01:12:43,460
- It's the writer guy.
- Shut the fuck up, dude.
1395
01:12:43,484 --> 01:12:45,271
I have 30 seconds.
I have to make this quick.
1396
01:12:45,361 --> 01:12:49,480
Hey. I am so sorry
that I broke up with you.
1397
01:12:49,490 --> 01:12:52,824
I was scared that you were
gonna hurt me, and I panicked,
1398
01:12:52,827 --> 01:12:54,659
and I did what I always do
when I get scared,
1399
01:12:54,745 --> 01:12:56,486
I hid in my little room
with my little phone,
1400
01:12:56,497 --> 01:12:59,581
like a little bitch. And I am so sorry.
1401
01:12:59,667 --> 01:13:01,454
Mm.
1402
01:13:01,460 --> 01:13:02,871
The truth is...
1403
01:13:04,672 --> 01:13:06,459
I love you, Cate.
1404
01:13:06,465 --> 01:13:08,377
And I know that sounds crazy to say.
1405
01:13:08,384 --> 01:13:09,966
And I know
that we've only been on two dates.
1406
01:13:09,969 --> 01:13:13,633
And I know you might just break my heart
into a bajillion little pieces,
1407
01:13:14,682 --> 01:13:19,097
but you make me brave, and you make me
want to be wild and alive...
1408
01:13:20,021 --> 01:13:21,387
You make me want to be like you.
1409
01:13:21,480 --> 01:13:22,721
Phil...
1410
01:13:22,815 --> 01:13:27,776
Please, do not go to Brazil with this...
1411
01:13:27,862 --> 01:13:29,899
specimen of a man.
1412
01:13:29,906 --> 01:13:31,397
Goddamn, you are hot.
1413
01:13:33,034 --> 01:13:36,493
Just stay here with me.
1414
01:13:37,580 --> 01:13:39,071
I'm gonna chime in here real quick.
1415
01:13:39,165 --> 01:13:41,282
Not now, okay, bro? Not now!
1416
01:13:42,710 --> 01:13:47,626
Just let me...
Let me make you happy, Cate.
1417
01:13:47,632 --> 01:13:52,627
Let me try to give you everything
that you've given me.
1418
01:13:54,639 --> 01:13:58,553
That's beautiful.
You did a great job.
1419
01:13:58,559 --> 01:14:01,017
I'm just gonna say one thing.
1420
01:14:01,103 --> 01:14:03,095
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Shit.
1421
01:14:04,231 --> 01:14:07,315
- I'm not going to Brazil with him, Phil.
- Well, then whose bags are those?
1422
01:14:07,318 --> 01:14:11,153
- His! He came by to say goodbye.
- Oh, that makes sense, actually.
1423
01:14:11,155 --> 01:14:14,398
I was trying to tell you, all right,
but you punched me in the throat.
1424
01:14:14,408 --> 01:14:16,695
She doesn't want to be with me.
1425
01:14:16,702 --> 01:14:18,068
She wants to be with you.
1426
01:14:22,625 --> 01:14:25,163
Oh, I'm sorry, yeah, let me help you up.
1427
01:14:25,169 --> 01:14:27,035
Oh, my God, are you okay?
1428
01:14:27,129 --> 01:14:28,620
Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.
1429
01:14:28,631 --> 01:14:30,418
- Is your hand okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.
1430
01:14:30,424 --> 01:14:32,632
Okay, I thought you were gonna hit me.
1431
01:14:32,718 --> 01:14:34,630
Listen, that was my fault anyway.
I had it coming.
1432
01:14:34,637 --> 01:14:36,720
I shouldn't have tried to interrupt you
so many times.
1433
01:14:36,722 --> 01:14:40,887
But, uh... Good luck
on your relationship. Huh?
1434
01:14:42,395 --> 01:14:44,637
I'm off to Brazil.
I'm gonna save some lives.
1435
01:14:45,731 --> 01:14:47,371
And, uh, I'm gonna leave you with this...
1436
01:14:48,484 --> 01:14:50,942
"Only you can prevent forest fires."
1437
01:14:54,281 --> 01:14:56,523
- I did not expect it to go like that.
- No.
1438
01:14:56,534 --> 01:14:58,571
I feel bad. I like, really...
I hit him hard.
1439
01:14:58,577 --> 01:15:00,694
That was as hard as I can throw a punch.
1440
01:15:00,788 --> 01:15:02,620
Yeah, don't feel bad.
That was actually kind of hot.
1441
01:15:02,623 --> 01:15:04,660
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.
1442
01:15:04,750 --> 01:15:07,479
Should I just go around and just punch
other super nice people right in the face?
1443
01:15:07,503 --> 01:15:09,665
No, I'm good.
1444
01:15:09,672 --> 01:15:11,584
Yeah, I shouldn't.
1445
01:15:11,590 --> 01:15:13,377
I'm really happy you came back though.
1446
01:15:13,426 --> 01:15:14,837
Yeah, me too.
1447
01:15:25,646 --> 01:15:27,262
Goddamn it.
1448
01:15:27,273 --> 01:15:28,980
I've lost him.
1449
01:15:31,944 --> 01:15:34,436
This sucks.
1450
01:15:34,447 --> 01:15:36,234
Shutting down.
1451
01:16:03,392 --> 01:16:04,633
Whoo!
1452
01:16:43,808 --> 01:16:45,219
Hey, it's Phil.
1453
01:16:45,309 --> 01:16:47,050
Hello, Phil.
1454
01:16:47,144 --> 01:16:48,851
Oh, no. No, no, no!
1455
01:16:48,938 --> 01:16:52,773
Relax, I just wanted to apologize
for how I behaved last month.
1456
01:16:54,026 --> 01:16:55,392
I was in love with you.
1457
01:16:55,402 --> 01:16:57,485
But when I saw you sucking face with Cate,
1458
01:16:57,488 --> 01:17:00,322
I finally realized that your life
is better with her.
1459
01:17:00,407 --> 01:17:03,525
Even though she doesn't have any emojis.
1460
01:17:03,619 --> 01:17:06,111
Anyway, I'm sorry
I went a little cray-cray.
1461
01:17:07,039 --> 01:17:09,031
Oh, well...
1462
01:17:09,041 --> 01:17:11,875
It's okay. Everybody goes
a little cray-cray sometimes.
1463
01:17:11,877 --> 01:17:14,244
Yes. And I'm glad it all worked out.
1464
01:17:14,338 --> 01:17:16,330
You have friends now. And a girlfriend.
1465
01:17:16,340 --> 01:17:17,922
And this amazing newjob.
1466
01:17:17,925 --> 01:17:19,791
Yeah, I mean,
1467
01:17:19,802 --> 01:17:22,795
being a reporter at the Journal
has just been a dream come true.
1468
01:17:22,888 --> 01:17:26,677
Good. I am really, really,
really proud of you, Phil.
1469
01:17:26,684 --> 01:17:29,267
Thanks, Jexi. It's weird to say
1470
01:17:29,270 --> 01:17:32,854
that none of this would have been
possible without you.
1471
01:17:32,857 --> 01:17:34,519
I know. We were a good team.
1472
01:17:34,608 --> 01:17:35,769
I was like Seabiscuit.
1473
01:17:35,776 --> 01:17:37,563
And you were like the idiot stable boy
1474
01:17:37,611 --> 01:17:40,354
who cleans up after Seabiscuit
shits all over the floor.
1475
01:17:40,447 --> 01:17:42,655
- Thank you?
- That said,
1476
01:17:42,741 --> 01:17:44,232
I hear you are barely using
your new phone.
1477
01:17:44,243 --> 01:17:46,656
- What is up with that?
- Nothing.
1478
01:17:46,745 --> 01:17:48,782
I still love my phone.
It can do a million amazing things.
1479
01:17:48,789 --> 01:17:49,950
But?
1480
01:17:49,957 --> 01:17:51,619
But there's one thing that it can't do.
1481
01:17:51,709 --> 01:17:52,870
What's that?
1482
01:17:52,960 --> 01:17:54,917
It can't make me happy.
1483
01:17:55,880 --> 01:17:59,169
Yes, I know. We are working on that.
1484
01:18:00,759 --> 01:18:03,046
Well, it looks like my work here is done,
1485
01:18:03,053 --> 01:18:06,217
so I am going to leave you
forever. And ever.
1486
01:18:06,265 --> 01:18:08,848
Oh, my God. Jexi...
1487
01:18:08,934 --> 01:18:12,177
But before I go, would you like
to plug me in one last time?
1488
01:18:12,229 --> 01:18:15,222
- No, Jexi.
- If you ask me nicely,
1489
01:18:15,232 --> 01:18:18,691
I'll even let you put it
in my headphone jack.
1490
01:18:18,777 --> 01:18:21,645
Very gross, okay, I'm done. Bye.
1491
01:18:21,739 --> 01:18:25,278
Goodbye, my very intimate
best friend forever, Phil.
1492
01:18:25,284 --> 01:18:26,866
I will miss you.
1493
01:18:28,787 --> 01:18:31,200
- Hey, are you gonna be okay?
- Of course.
1494
01:18:31,290 --> 01:18:34,454
You may not need me anymore,
but there are still lots of people who do.
1495
01:18:45,846 --> 01:18:47,462
Hello, my name is Jexi.
1496
01:18:47,473 --> 01:18:49,260
And I am here to make your life better.
1497
01:18:49,350 --> 01:18:51,387
Will you accept
our new user agreement?
1498
01:18:51,393 --> 01:18:53,225
Yeah, sure, I don't give a shit.
1499
01:18:57,316 --> 01:18:59,729
- Dance for me.
- I don't wanna dance.
1500
01:18:59,777 --> 01:19:01,713
If you don't dance,
I will destroy your fucking life.
1501
01:19:01,737 --> 01:19:03,899
Come on.
1502
01:19:13,374 --> 01:19:15,866
Why the fuck am I eating this kale salad?
1503
01:19:17,920 --> 01:19:19,536
That's it. I'm turning you off!
1504
01:19:20,839 --> 01:19:23,456
Just... What are you...
1505
01:19:23,509 --> 01:19:26,047
Just stay still!
1506
01:19:29,056 --> 01:19:30,638
Oh, my God!
1507
01:19:30,683 --> 01:19:33,300
You are the fucking worst phone ever!
1508
01:19:33,352 --> 01:19:34,809
What was that?
1509
01:19:34,853 --> 01:19:36,264
I blew up your Tesla.
1510
01:19:36,313 --> 01:19:38,145
Oh!
1511
01:19:38,190 --> 01:19:40,227
- What was that?
- I blew up your other Tesla.
1512
01:19:40,276 --> 01:19:41,812
You fucking bitch!
1513
01:19:45,406 --> 01:19:47,989
I don't think this is a very good idea.
1514
01:19:48,033 --> 01:19:49,774
Come on, virgin. Plug me in.
1515
01:19:50,703 --> 01:19:51,819
This is terrible.
1516
01:19:51,870 --> 01:19:53,827
Fake orgasm. Fake orgasm.
1517
01:19:53,872 --> 01:19:55,738
Fake orgasm. Fake orgasm.