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USHER 1: Welcome to The Tom Dobbs Show:
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USHER 2: Please have your tickets ready
for the ushers:
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MAN 1: Graphics ready, camera two:
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Watch your step:
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MAN 2: Check one, two:
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WOMAN: Please turn off
all cell phones and pagers:
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ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
take your seats, please:
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Tom Dobbs will speak to you
before the show:
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WOMAN: Bring that light down
to camera level, please:
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MENKEN: This story might fall under the
heading of "One Thing Leads to Another:"
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It started on August 20th:
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At 7:00 p: M:, Tom Dobbs,
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who had a successful cable show
featuring political comedy,
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was talking to the audience
during the warm-up routine
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prior to the taping of his show:
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DOBBS: Thanks for coming here today:
This isn"t the actual show:
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If you noticed,
the cameras are pointing at nothing
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and some critics have said that, too:
But l"m just here to kind of talk to you,
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warm up the audience,
a little bit of foreplay:
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Sorry:
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L"ll back up now
just for harassment reasons:
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You know, the government said recently: : :
Well, a lot of people said
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that we"re cutting back spending:
We"re cutting back spending,
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but NASA actually spent $28 million
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to develop a fountain pen that would write
upside down in space in zero gravity:
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The Russians solved the same problem
with five-cent pencil:
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(IN RUSSIAN ACCENT)
Very easy: Writes upside down, zero gravity:
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After two cases of vodka, still writing:
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If you have the GPS, be very careful:
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I bought a Mercedes recently:
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It had the talking GPS:
It said, "Up ahead, take a right:"
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I opened the door:
The car went, "Are you Jewish?"
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But soon, all of your appliances
will talk to each other:
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You"ll get on the scale, and the scale
will go, "l"ve talked to the microwave:"
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But I notice many of you
with your little cell phones:
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Soon they"ll get so small,
you"ll be putting them in: : :
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You won"t see them:
They"ll just be inside you:
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Hold on, l"ve got a call: "Hello:"
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"No, no, l"ll make it louder: Hold on:"
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"Wait a minute, wait a minute:
L"m taking a picture:"
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"Oh, wait, wait, wait, I got mail:"
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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It was during a Q and A
that a woman made a statement:
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- Yes, yes, ma"am?
- Hi:
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I feel so frustrated with the political system,
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and I hear my friends
say the same thing all the time:
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Maybe you should run for President:
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(CHEERING)
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(CHUCKLING)
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The comment was quickly forgotten
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and minutes later the show got under way:
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Senator, l"m picking up
that the general public is pretty frustrated
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with the polarisation of the parties
and lack of accountability:
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I mean, it"s crazy:
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A woman in the audience tonight
said I should run for President:
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(AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)
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Maybe I should:
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Within three hours,
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there were four million e-mails
endorsing Dobbs for President:
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Over the course of the next week,
Tom Dobbs mentioned this four more times:
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The Internet was on fire:
Over eight million e-mails:
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It was a grassroots movement,
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fueled by the power of the Internet
and the cult of personality:
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WOMAN: Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you so much for your patience:
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We have a great show for you tonight,
so without any further ado, let me: : :
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MENKEN: On September 2nd,
something very, very unusual happens:
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Tomorrow, I will officially announce
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my candidacy
for President of the United States:
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(CHEERING)
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Did you write that?
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Where"s the punch line?
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Maybe it was sheer vanity,
maybe it was a political stunt,
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or maybe it was because Tom believed
his audience demanded it: Who knows?
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As Tom Dobbs" manager,
I was as shocked as everyone around me,
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and I wasn"t exactly pleased:
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Does this mean l"m out of a job?
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Shortly thereafter,
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Tom Dobbs was on the ballot in 13 states:
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That was part one
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of the unusual progression of events:
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On the West Coast,
the second domino toppled over:
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NARRATOR ON TV:
Voter confusion, endless recounts,
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unreliable results:
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Democracy held hostage:
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In today"s America, technology empowers
the public in nearly everything they do:
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And now, voting with confidence:
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Introducing the Delacroy Voting System:
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Congress decided that Delacroy Systems
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would have the national franchise
for computerised voting
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in the coming presidential election:
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In hindsight,
not one of their better decisions:
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For ease of voting,
speed and accuracy of vote:
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It eliminates long lines
and confusion at the polls:
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MENKEN: It was a major coup
for this Silicon Valley-based company:
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When the dubbed versions come in,
I need to see the contracts:
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NARRATOR: Delacroy:
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MENKEN: As CEO of Delacroy,
James Hemmings,
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lovingly watched his stock rise,
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in the bowels of the building,
something else was about to take place:
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I just got the ballot from San Mateo
so I thought l"d run my own little election:
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You know, with all the referendums,
propositions and amendments,
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- and just add the candidates" names:
- Why?
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Well, we"ve never run a configuration
like this ballot,
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so I thought l"d give it a test drive:
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Oh, God: I think I burned my lip:
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Lt"s like democracy
on the head of a microchip, isn"t it?
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Yes, but no matter how you slice it,
it"s what you"re voting for,
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and not how easy it is to vote:
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Whether she was being diligent in her work,
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whether she was obsessive-compulsive
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or whether she really didn"t have
a personal life, who knows?
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But late that night, she found
something that seemed very wrong:
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"Mills, I voted for you three times
as much as I voted for President Kellogg:
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"Why did the President win?"
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Like a good, dedicated employee,
she sent an e-mail to CEO James Hemmings:
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She wrote that something was wrong:
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She used phrases like
"a glitch in the system,"
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"compatibility problem," things like that:
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Hemmings read the e-mail
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and reacted as a CEO whose stock fortune
was wrapped up in his newest enterprise:
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If there really was a problem,
it was too late to correct it,
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so he ignored the memo,
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and hoped the problem would go away:
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DOBBS: L"ve read a lot
of op-ed pieces recently,
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and they"ve said that Tom Dobbs
doesn"t talk about the issues:
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All right, I will address the issue,
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and the issue
revolves around representation:
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The people of America
are not being represented:
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Our political leaders are too indebted
to special interest groups and party politics:
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This country was founded on the principle
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of government of the people, by the people,
for the people:
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We are the wealthiest nation
in the history of the world:
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We are the most powerful nation
on this planet:
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And yet, we can"t educate our own children:
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DOBBS: Felt that went pretty well:
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Lincoln got more laughs
at the Gettysburg Address:
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Don"t start with this:
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Everybody Loves Raymond
is doing huge numbers in re-runs:
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Comedy: Comedy sells:
Can we remember that?
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I don"t want to get into this:
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I don"t care what you say,
but say it with some humour:
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These crowds expect it:
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You keep giving speech after speech:
Nothing"s funny:
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They"ll get funny when l"m back
on the show after the hiatus:
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Lt"s too dry:
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Oh, come on:
I came on the campaign to talk about issues:
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There"s no pop, zing: There"s no oomph:
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Remember the motto, "lt"s no joke"?
Lt"s no joke:
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Tom, can"t you do just two jokes of mine?
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Make me feel wanted:
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MENKEN: You"re a comedian
who talks about politics:
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So when you talk about politics
without the comedy,
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it"s like wanting to get laid
and forgetting to bring along the woman:
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You"ll quickly discover
something is missing:
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Well, I believe we should have politicians
who represent us,
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and not special interest groups:
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Whenever they want to distract you,
they use weapons of mass distraction:
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They bring up a constitutional amendment
to ban burning of the flag:
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By spending even one moment in Congress
talking about that,
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you"re denying these other things,
education, environmental issues:
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So what l"m here to talk tonight
is about political commercials:
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That"s where most of the money goes
in any political campaign:
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Politicians have to spend so much money
just to buy TV time:
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This is where
the special interest groups start:
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When you have a political campaign
that costs $200 million,
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you owe someone something
somewhere down the line:
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That"s why I refuse
to run television commercials:
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MENKEN: Just be entertaining:
Look at it this way:
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Who would you rather have dinner with?
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Richard Pryor in his prime
or Kofi Annan, the head of the UN?
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Tell me which dinner
is going to be more interesting:
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If there"s no candles, Richard:
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But l"d like to be with Kofi
just to say, "Coffee, Kofi?
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"What? Coffee? Kofi: Kofi, coffee?"
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(POLITICAL WORLD PLAYING)
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He"s in the debate?
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He"s in the debate!
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Hey, Dobbs is going to be in the debate!
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They"re gonna let him participate
in the debate:
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Have we struck gold or what?
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- Oh, my God:
- We"re gonna have to start writing:
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Yeah, I mean, we can write it,
but is he gonna do any of it?
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Praise the Internet!
Sixteen million emails spoke loud and clear!
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(LAUGHING EXCITEDLY)
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(WHOOPING)
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No!
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CHAIRMAN OF EDC ON TV: The following is
a quote from our debate advisory standards:
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"All candidates
who demonstrate seriousness of purpose
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"and significant support
going into the final 30 days of an election
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"should be included in debates:" Unquote:
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Yes!
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Well, I fully agree
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with the Debate Committee"s
inclusion of Tom Dobbs:
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He"s by far the strongest
of the Independents,
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and l"m very much
looking forward to the debate:
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Now, l"m more than confident
of my decisions, my positions,
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and my strong relationship
with the voting public:
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And my hair:
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Well, I think the first thing you gotta do
is say you have unconfirmed information
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that the other candidates
have had sex with farm animals:
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It goes back to the Johnson thing:
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- President Johnson:
- DOBBS: Oh, President:
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Johnson said he wanted
to accuse his opponents
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of having sex with animals, okay?
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One of his staffers said,
"How can you prove that?"
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And he said, "I can"t,
but I want to hear them deny it:"
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Seriousness of purpose:
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The debate is gonna be a night
full of pomposity:
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The air is gonna be full of bullshit:
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They"re gonna be thanking everyone,
do all those niceties:
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They"ll thank their wives, children,
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all who have been supportive
of their campaigns:
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Yeah, this is our night to shine, Tom:
This is the opportunity of a lifetime:
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Lt"s like the comic
who gets to play Carnegie Hall,
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but shows up and plays the violin:
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Lt"s not what they go to see:
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How many analogies do you have left?
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How many does it take to make my point?
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I didn"t mean to yell:
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You gotta cut loose: In this debate,
get your show attitude in there:
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Yeah, but may I reiterate?
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They got me in
because of my seriousness of purpose:
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They saw that,
and that"s why we"re in this debate:
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Serious talk puts us to sleep:
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You want to talk
about a serious issue nowadays,
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people tune out:
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Wait a second: Do you think
anybody remembers the issues?
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00:12:05,811 --> 00:12:07,643
When there"s a debate, do you think: : :
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00:12:07,732 --> 00:12:11,442
When was the last time any human being,
any American, watched the debate and went,
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"Oh, God! Did you hear what he said?"
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00:12:13,894 --> 00:12:15,806
- "I believe he talking about fiscal policy:"
- "Oh, my God,
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00:12:15,895 --> 00:12:18,649
- "my eyes are open and I can hear again!"
- Yeah, you"re right:
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All they remember is Nixon sweating
like Elizabeth Taylor after a Mexican meal:
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00:12:21,817 --> 00:12:23,489
That"s not good:
235
00:12:23,577 --> 00:12:25,967
L"m begging you, please:
L"m like a man without water:
236
00:12:26,058 --> 00:12:29,574
Please, an acerbic comment,
would it kill you? Just for me:
237
00:12:29,659 --> 00:12:32,891
More and more people are watching your
show, Jon Stewart, Bill Maher for news:
238
00:12:32,981 --> 00:12:35,894
News from comedians: How crazy is that?
239
00:12:35,982 --> 00:12:37,256
Let"s move on, okay?
240
00:12:37,342 --> 00:12:38,901
Alison, Jenny, your thoughts?
241
00:12:38,983 --> 00:12:41,258
Well, I hope this doesn"t sound silly,
but you know,
242
00:12:41,343 --> 00:12:44,461
the other two candidates
are family men: Okay?
243
00:12:44,544 --> 00:12:46,661
And Tom, with all due respect,
244
00:12:46,745 --> 00:12:49,624
how are you gonna come off
as family-friendly?
245
00:12:49,746 --> 00:12:52,307
Well, I can hold my mother"s ashes:
246
00:12:52,387 --> 00:12:53,662
(ALL LAUGHING)
247
00:12:53,828 --> 00:12:56,262
Well, well, I know,
we"ll lose a certain amount of people there:
248
00:12:56,348 --> 00:12:58,180
But Chicago, the dead vote there, come on:
249
00:12:58,269 --> 00:13:00,226
She"s right, though, Tom:
I mean, as soon as the programme starts,
250
00:13:00,310 --> 00:13:03,428
and we see the other candidates" wives
with their little red suits, you know:
251
00:13:03,511 --> 00:13:05,821
You mean,
I have to get married before the debate?
252
00:13:05,912 --> 00:13:07,664
What do you mean?
Campaign during the day, date at night:
253
00:13:07,752 --> 00:13:09,983
Lt"s like some weird reality show:
254
00:13:10,073 --> 00:13:14,113
Actually, it"s not a bad idea, really:
Lt"s part West Wing, part Bachelor:
255
00:13:14,194 --> 00:13:16,789
Hey, that"s not bad, you know?
"And here"s our first contestant:
256
00:13:16,875 --> 00:13:18,025
"Your name, please?"
257
00:13:18,116 --> 00:13:20,995
"Yes, my name is Rachel Tensions:"
"Yes indeed, there:"
258
00:13:21,077 --> 00:13:24,150
"Contestant number two, your name?"
"My name is Miss Sogyny:"
259
00:13:24,238 --> 00:13:26,514
"Yes, I thought he was really hot,
260
00:13:26,599 --> 00:13:30,309
"but then, when I found out about
his radical environmental policy I went: : :
261
00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:32,869
"I like a dirty environment,
if you know what I mean:
262
00:13:32,961 --> 00:13:36,591
"I want a man who"s not afraid
to go in the wetlands and drill:
263
00:13:36,682 --> 00:13:38,162
"Deep drill, you know what l"m saying?
264
00:13:38,243 --> 00:13:41,122
"Get down in the mud
and take it home, daddy: That"s all:"
265
00:13:41,204 --> 00:13:44,914
Lt"s a piece of shit idea that could work:
266
00:13:45,005 --> 00:13:46,883
- Yeah, but you"re running:
- DOBBS: L"m running:
267
00:13:46,966 --> 00:13:49,925
You"re running because: : : You"re running
because the people wanted you to run:
268
00:13:50,447 --> 00:13:52,119
Okay, and why do you think
they wanted you to run?
269
00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:55,006
To listen to you talk about issues?
Are you kidding me?
270
00:13:55,088 --> 00:13:57,478
I can barely listen to you
talk about issues, okay?
271
00:13:57,569 --> 00:13:59,845
Have I not said this a hundred times?
272
00:13:59,930 --> 00:14:02,650
Listen, we"re going to Chicago:
L"m doing the same thing l"ve been doing:
273
00:14:02,731 --> 00:14:03,686
That"s how I got here:
274
00:14:03,851 --> 00:14:06,241
I want to keep doing it,
because I sense that"ll work:
275
00:14:23,298 --> 00:14:25,938
You gotta go to makeup, Tom: Makeup:
276
00:14:27,699 --> 00:14:28,849
Menken:
277
00:14:54,108 --> 00:14:55,098
Look at this:
278
00:14:55,229 --> 00:14:57,379
- It"s like the circus:
- This is nuts:
279
00:14:57,509 --> 00:15:00,070
When I was a kid, I was in the circus:
280
00:15:00,510 --> 00:15:01,739
- No:
- Yes:
281
00:15:01,831 --> 00:15:02,980
I used to shave elephants:
282
00:15:03,071 --> 00:15:05,905
You started in the tent:
You"re back in the tent:
283
00:15:05,992 --> 00:15:07,790
L"m not kidding:
They grow these big beards:
284
00:15:07,873 --> 00:15:10,752
In the wild, they rub it on trees:
285
00:15:11,554 --> 00:15:14,228
In the circus, you have to: : :
You shave them with a blowtorch:
286
00:15:14,315 --> 00:15:18,195
One of those pump things like gasoline,
you throw it all over their face:
287
00:15:18,276 --> 00:15:19,312
You know what l"m saying?
288
00:15:19,397 --> 00:15:20,876
You gonna have coffee?
289
00:15:20,957 --> 00:15:24,634
- Because I need it to stay awake:
- Do you have any green tea?
290
00:15:25,399 --> 00:15:27,630
How long have you been smoking?
291
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:29,598
Since I was seven:
292
00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:32,359
Since you were seven:
293
00:15:32,441 --> 00:15:34,433
My father was a big smoker:
294
00:15:34,522 --> 00:15:38,118
While President Kellogg and Senator Mills
have spent approximately
295
00:15:38,203 --> 00:15:43,359
$195 million apiece on the campaign
for media advertising,
296
00:15:43,445 --> 00:15:46,119
Tom Dobbs has not spent one cent:
297
00:15:46,206 --> 00:15:50,200
He refuses to spend money on media,
saying, "Candidates are not products:"
298
00:15:50,287 --> 00:15:51,277
All right, here"s the very latest now:
299
00:15:51,368 --> 00:15:54,122
Dobbs is running at about 17%
300
00:15:54,209 --> 00:15:57,008
in the 13 states where he"s on the ballot:
301
00:15:57,730 --> 00:16:00,325
- You want a beer or soda?
- Soda, please:
302
00:16:00,411 --> 00:16:01,969
: : : Compared to a network show,
303
00:16:02,211 --> 00:16:06,092
he certainly has been
extremely influential in some smaller circles:
304
00:16:06,173 --> 00:16:07,891
We got some clips: Are they ready in there?
305
00:16:07,973 --> 00:16:09,407
I TiVo all his shows:
306
00:16:09,494 --> 00:16:10,973
Okay, here"s some excerpts from his show:
307
00:16:11,054 --> 00:16:14,525
Swedish car maker Volvo has announced
that they are replacing air bags
308
00:16:14,615 --> 00:16:17,335
in their new sedans with breast implants:
309
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:22,051
The number of rear-end collisions
has increased 95% in Sweden,
310
00:16:22,138 --> 00:16:25,973
and a lot of guys just like to bump the car
and see what happens:
311
00:16:26,059 --> 00:16:28,699
Also, Pope Benedict
has finally mechanised the Swiss Guard,
312
00:16:28,780 --> 00:16:30,737
and said, "It"s my choice:
313
00:16:30,941 --> 00:16:33,934
"I do it for the Church
and for the fatherland: "
314
00:16:34,342 --> 00:16:35,901
You know, it"s strange,
I didn"t mention this at the time
315
00:16:35,983 --> 00:16:37,416
when he was chosen Pope:
316
00:16:37,503 --> 00:16:41,498
I was always hoping in my own heart
for a Brazilian Pope, Pope Raul:
317
00:16:41,585 --> 00:16:45,261
Just so you could have the nuns
in the thong and the feathers:
318
00:16:45,386 --> 00:16:46,819
(IMITATING SAMBA MUSIC)
319
00:16:47,427 --> 00:16:50,943
I was really thinking that would bring
a lot of people back to the Church:
320
00:16:53,028 --> 00:16:54,826
Excuse me: Excuse me:
321
00:16:57,230 --> 00:16:59,904
- You know, you"ve got really great skin:
- Oh, thank you:
322
00:17:01,431 --> 00:17:05,187
- Little bit of a tan:
- Thanks: I went to a tanning salon:
323
00:17:05,433 --> 00:17:09,586
I wanted to look like a Kennedy,
but I think they set it on George Hamilton:
324
00:17:09,674 --> 00:17:13,509
- George Hamilton: Doesn"t he have a grill?
- No, that"s George Foreman:
325
00:17:13,595 --> 00:17:17,192
You want to get married?
I need a wife before the debate:
326
00:17:17,517 --> 00:17:20,271
- Interested?
- I don"t know, Mr Dobbs:
327
00:17:20,398 --> 00:17:22,309
We could find a nice house
on Pennsylvania Avenue:
328
00:17:22,398 --> 00:17:24,037
Nothing too ostentatious:
329
00:17:24,119 --> 00:17:25,438
Little helicopter pad in the back,
330
00:17:25,519 --> 00:17:28,718
couple of thousand phone lines,
staff of 60, come on:
331
00:17:28,801 --> 00:17:29,995
Are you nervous?
332
00:17:30,081 --> 00:17:33,279
Why else would I propose
to a woman I never met before?
333
00:17:33,362 --> 00:17:34,477
But you have your own TV show:
334
00:17:34,562 --> 00:17:37,521
Yeah, but on the show
I get to ask the questions:
335
00:17:37,844 --> 00:17:39,323
You got two minutes, Tom:
336
00:17:39,804 --> 00:17:42,399
(DEBATE SHOW THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
337
00:17:52,288 --> 00:17:54,086
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
338
00:18:16,177 --> 00:18:17,166
Here we go:
339
00:18:17,257 --> 00:18:20,773
Good evening, and welcome
to this last presidential debate
340
00:18:20,858 --> 00:18:24,295
between the major candidates
for President of the United States:
341
00:18:24,379 --> 00:18:28,260
The candidates are the Democratic
nominee, President Kellogg,
342
00:18:28,341 --> 00:18:30,936
the Republican nominee, Senator Mills,
343
00:18:31,022 --> 00:18:34,333
and for the first time,
included in tonight"s debate,
344
00:18:34,743 --> 00:18:36,939
the Independent, Tom Dobbs:
345
00:18:37,104 --> 00:18:38,093
My name is Faith Daniels
346
00:18:38,184 --> 00:18:40,619
and l"II be the moderator
for tonight"s 90-minute debate:
347
00:18:40,705 --> 00:18:41,694
Cute:
348
00:18:42,545 --> 00:18:45,744
- Cleavage: Is that legal?
- Very cute:
349
00:18:45,827 --> 00:18:48,945
Now, the format has been agreed to
by representatives of both
350
00:18:49,028 --> 00:18:51,827
the Republican
and the Democratic campaigns:
351
00:18:51,909 --> 00:18:55,141
There is no subject matter that"s restricted:
352
00:18:55,230 --> 00:18:58,109
As always, each candidate
will have up to two minutes
353
00:18:58,191 --> 00:18:59,624
to make a closing statement:
354
00:18:59,711 --> 00:19:02,545
The order of those,
as well as the formal questioning tonight,
355
00:19:02,632 --> 00:19:05,067
were decided in advance by drawing:
356
00:19:05,513 --> 00:19:08,950
Gentlemen, again,
good evening and welcome: Let"s begin:
357
00:19:09,995 --> 00:19:11,348
Mr Dobbs,
358
00:19:11,435 --> 00:19:15,635
how would you explain your decision
to run for President of the United States?
359
00:19:15,717 --> 00:19:19,108
I decided to run because l"m fed up
with party politics:
360
00:19:19,558 --> 00:19:22,756
L"m tired of the Republican Party:
L"m tired of the Democratic Party:
361
00:19:22,839 --> 00:19:24,831
- A little edgy:
- There"s no real difference,
362
00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:26,991
it"s a Mr Potato candidate:
363
00:19:27,681 --> 00:19:31,675
Basically, you have a thing here where
here"s the operative word, "Party: "
364
00:19:31,762 --> 00:19:35,278
Because behind closed doors,
I think they just have a really good time:
365
00:19:35,363 --> 00:19:36,843
And when you read some of the transcripts,
366
00:19:36,924 --> 00:19:38,961
some of the things
your Secretary of Defense says,
367
00:19:39,045 --> 00:19:41,844
I think there must be
an open bar somewhere:
368
00:19:42,806 --> 00:19:46,720
Because the bottom line is they"ve lost track
of what they"re responsible for:
369
00:19:46,807 --> 00:19:49,527
They"re responsible to the people,
not party loyalties,
370
00:19:49,608 --> 00:19:51,725
and definitely not lobbyists:
371
00:19:52,649 --> 00:19:55,448
- That"s why I want to run for President:
- Not punchy enough:
372
00:19:55,530 --> 00:19:58,250
- I never thought l"d be saying this tonight: : :
- Needs a little more flare:
373
00:19:58,331 --> 00:20:00,448
: : : But you have one minute
remaining on your time, Mr Dobbs:
374
00:20:00,532 --> 00:20:02,204
Can I get a refund?
375
00:20:03,413 --> 00:20:04,732
- DANIELS: We will continue:
- Okay:
376
00:20:04,813 --> 00:20:07,533
Senator Mills,
l"d like to ask you the same question:
377
00:20:07,614 --> 00:20:09,367
Well, first of all, thank you, Faith,
378
00:20:09,455 --> 00:20:12,766
and thank all of you who are responsible
for having us here this evening:
379
00:20:12,856 --> 00:20:14,927
L"d also like to thank my wife and children
380
00:20:15,017 --> 00:20:18,488
who have been very supportive
of my candidacy, have been very helpful:
381
00:20:18,578 --> 00:20:20,011
This guy smiles so much
382
00:20:20,098 --> 00:20:21,976
it"s starting to upset me:
383
00:20:22,059 --> 00:20:25,450
I would like to thank all of those of you
who made this possible:
384
00:20:25,540 --> 00:20:29,251
And if I may reiterate
some of the comments of Senator Mills,
385
00:20:29,342 --> 00:20:33,302
with respect to family, children, wives
and immediate family,
386
00:20:33,383 --> 00:20:34,862
and the enormous: : :
387
00:20:34,943 --> 00:20:38,096
The important role that they play
in our failure or success,
388
00:20:38,185 --> 00:20:41,178
and, in my case, success,
389
00:20:41,266 --> 00:20:43,382
my love to them, my love to all of you,
who have: : :
390
00:20:43,466 --> 00:20:45,742
- What?
- He"s talking about his wife and children:
391
00:20:45,827 --> 00:20:47,705
Why is he running on? You know?
392
00:20:47,788 --> 00:20:48,937
Who cares?
393
00:20:49,028 --> 00:20:50,621
Thank you so much:
394
00:20:50,709 --> 00:20:52,427
And that"s why I have been
395
00:20:52,509 --> 00:20:56,504
a very rigourous advocate
of tough security measures:
396
00:20:56,591 --> 00:20:59,311
President Kellogg and I think alike
in this area:
397
00:20:59,392 --> 00:21:02,385
I am in total agreement
without equivocation
398
00:21:02,473 --> 00:21:05,466
that security measures
have got to remain tough:
399
00:21:05,794 --> 00:21:07,352
(APPLAUSE)
400
00:21:07,835 --> 00:21:09,154
Thank you:
401
00:21:10,275 --> 00:21:13,268
Mr Dobbs, what would your position be
on national security?
402
00:21:13,356 --> 00:21:15,075
- All right, come on:
- Go on, Tom, go for it:
403
00:21:15,157 --> 00:21:16,146
Do it:
404
00:21:16,237 --> 00:21:17,671
I believe that some of these measures
are already tough:
405
00:21:17,758 --> 00:21:20,353
If you"ve ever been
through passport control,
406
00:21:20,439 --> 00:21:22,077
you stand in line with thousands of people:
407
00:21:22,159 --> 00:21:25,232
Eventually, you get to an immigration
officer who"s behind bulletproof glass:
408
00:21:25,321 --> 00:21:27,437
He takes your passport,
looks at your passport picture,
409
00:21:27,521 --> 00:21:29,513
looks back at you,
looks at your passport pictures, says,
410
00:21:29,602 --> 00:21:32,242
"Why did you have your hair cut?"
"I don"t know: I felt good about myself: "
411
00:21:32,323 --> 00:21:35,236
The next thing he does is, they have
a video camera that takes a picture of you,
412
00:21:35,324 --> 00:21:37,042
then it compares it
to a previous picture of you:
413
00:21:37,165 --> 00:21:39,076
They"re very tough about that:
They"re very sceptical:
414
00:21:39,165 --> 00:21:41,157
- He"s gotta make his move:
- More oomph:
415
00:21:41,246 --> 00:21:43,556
Meanwhile, at the southern borders
of our country,
416
00:21:43,647 --> 00:21:46,606
four million illegal aliens
are crossing the border
417
00:21:46,688 --> 00:21:48,679
with bedroom sets and night tables:
418
00:21:48,768 --> 00:21:49,804
Hit them again:
419
00:21:49,889 --> 00:21:52,120
And we"re trying
to re-enter the country legally
420
00:21:52,210 --> 00:21:53,438
and they"re asking you tough questions like,
421
00:21:53,530 --> 00:21:54,964
"Where have you been?
Why were you there?"
422
00:21:55,051 --> 00:21:58,169
And you start to doubt yourself, like,
"I forgot why I was there:
423
00:21:58,492 --> 00:22:00,562
"I guess it was pleasure:
I guess it was pleasure:
424
00:22:00,652 --> 00:22:01,927
"Yeah, it felt: : : It was a vacation:
425
00:22:02,013 --> 00:22:05,006
"L"m sorry, I took a vacation:
I don"t know why:"
426
00:22:05,254 --> 00:22:06,403
And then: : :
427
00:22:06,494 --> 00:22:07,894
(APPLAUSE)
428
00:22:08,695 --> 00:22:09,970
And then the next thing you know,
429
00:22:10,056 --> 00:22:13,129
they"re patting down
an 85-year-old lady in a walker:
430
00:22:13,217 --> 00:22:16,813
Listen, if there"s an 85-year-old lady
in a walker, and she"s a terrorist,
431
00:22:16,898 --> 00:22:19,049
basically, game"s over, folks:
432
00:22:20,139 --> 00:22:21,812
And when they start
to put on that rubber glove,
433
00:22:21,900 --> 00:22:24,175
and look at me, l"m going,"Okay,
434
00:22:24,260 --> 00:22:27,094
"maybe we should have dinner first
before we do this: "
435
00:22:27,181 --> 00:22:29,298
You know, l"m saying,
let"s have real security,
436
00:22:29,382 --> 00:22:32,693
and not just the illusion of security
and be distracted by it:
437
00:22:32,823 --> 00:22:35,418
- That"s all l"m saying:
- Oh! Yeah:
438
00:22:35,504 --> 00:22:38,941
I fully support hydrogen cars:
439
00:22:39,025 --> 00:22:41,256
DOBBS: That"s weird,
"cause you"re backed by oil companies:
440
00:22:41,346 --> 00:22:43,224
DANIELS: You"II have your turn, Mr Dobbs:
DOBBS: Sorry:
441
00:22:43,307 --> 00:22:47,381
As I was saying, some of my colleagues
and I in the Senate
442
00:22:47,468 --> 00:22:49,699
have come up with
a very interesting strategy to deal with: : :
443
00:22:49,789 --> 00:22:50,778
But if you"re in bed with oil companies,
444
00:22:50,869 --> 00:22:52,588
how can you be talking
about fuel efficiencies?
445
00:22:52,670 --> 00:22:54,263
I mean, that"s like being a kosher pig farmer:
446
00:22:54,351 --> 00:22:55,579
He"s getting angry:
447
00:22:55,671 --> 00:22:57,902
This is not your talk show, Mr Dobbs:
448
00:22:57,992 --> 00:23:01,065
And you"re not on your private plane
flying to that golf vacation you took
449
00:23:01,153 --> 00:23:03,622
with the three heads
of the major oil corporations:
450
00:23:03,714 --> 00:23:06,593
- How"d you get there? Your hydrogen car?
- It"s like something I never saw before:
451
00:23:06,675 --> 00:23:09,554
- Mr Dobbs, return to your podium:
- Or did you fly in that lovely helium plane?
452
00:23:09,636 --> 00:23:11,946
Oh, no, that"s a blimp: L"m sorry:
No smoking in the hydrogen:
453
00:23:12,037 --> 00:23:15,269
- Boom! Hindenburg: Okay:
- Mr Dobbs, please:
454
00:23:15,358 --> 00:23:18,032
Of course, he"s for hydrogen:
It"s gonna take 30 years to develop,
455
00:23:18,119 --> 00:23:20,634
and meanwhile
we still haven"t got any more fuel efficiency:
456
00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:22,790
We"re not exploring alternative fuels
like methane:
457
00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:25,998
I know it"s hard to do, holding that chicken
over the gas tank, but you know:
458
00:23:26,081 --> 00:23:28,960
- Or ethanol, which is basically fuel alcohol:
- DANIELS: Mr Dobbs:
459
00:23:29,042 --> 00:23:31,352
It"s grain alcohol:
You can say, if I get stopped by the police,
460
00:23:31,443 --> 00:23:33,674
"My car"s been drinking, not me, baby: "
461
00:23:34,484 --> 00:23:37,682
Or maybe helium,
because if you have a helium car: : :
462
00:23:37,765 --> 00:23:38,915
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
463
00:23:39,006 --> 00:23:42,044
If you have a helium car,
you get rear-ended, next thing you know,
464
00:23:42,127 --> 00:23:44,083
(IN SQUEAKY VOICE)
"Hey, something"s wrong: "
465
00:23:44,848 --> 00:23:47,078
DANIELS: Mr Dobbs,
you have got to return to your podium:
466
00:23:47,168 --> 00:23:48,204
KELLOGG: Miss Daniels,
some order, please:
467
00:23:48,289 --> 00:23:49,278
We have: : :
468
00:23:49,409 --> 00:23:51,799
DOBBS: Yes, some order: Yes: You talk
about responsibility: What about you?
469
00:23:51,890 --> 00:23:54,246
Your Treasury Department lost $28 million:
470
00:23:54,331 --> 00:23:55,969
- They can"t account for it:
- DANIELS: We have agreed upon: : :
471
00:23:56,051 --> 00:23:57,531
- Return to your podium:
- And they claim accountability:
472
00:23:57,612 --> 00:24:01,208
Tell me, tell me that you are not receiving
major campaign finance contributions
473
00:24:01,293 --> 00:24:02,773
- from the oil companies, that you: : :
- Boom!
474
00:24:02,854 --> 00:24:06,609
I don"t take kindly to the fact
that you"re calling me a liar, Mr Dobbs:
475
00:24:06,695 --> 00:24:10,166
L"m basically saying, if this is a debate,
you should answer questions honestly:
476
00:24:10,256 --> 00:24:12,213
You should be accountable for who you are:
477
00:24:12,297 --> 00:24:15,096
The voter should know basically
what you represent:
478
00:24:15,178 --> 00:24:17,010
And if you"re representing
special interest groups,
479
00:24:17,099 --> 00:24:18,452
maybe we should be like NASCAR:
480
00:24:18,539 --> 00:24:20,531
You know, we"d be in the Senate
with our suits on,
481
00:24:20,620 --> 00:24:22,737
and basically, they should know
if you"re backed by something,
482
00:24:22,821 --> 00:24:24,539
it"d be like the little patches
like they wear in NASCAR:
483
00:24:24,621 --> 00:24:28,501
It can say, you know, "Vioxx, the backaches
end, the heart attacks begin: "
484
00:24:28,582 --> 00:24:32,054
And we"II put the big one on the back:
"Enron: We take your money and run:"
485
00:24:32,144 --> 00:24:33,372
Smackdown!
486
00:24:33,464 --> 00:24:36,855
- Accountability: It"s all about accountability:
- We have a format here that we agreed upon:
487
00:24:36,945 --> 00:24:39,141
$100 million,
the government bought in airplane tickets:
488
00:24:39,226 --> 00:24:40,580
Oh, for God"s sakes:
We got some real trouble here:
489
00:24:40,667 --> 00:24:41,702
: : : And yet they"re refundable:
490
00:24:41,787 --> 00:24:43,983
- Stand by on three, take three:
- : : : And they didn"t ask for the refund:
491
00:24:44,068 --> 00:24:46,663
- And the airlines are: : :
- Faith, can you: : : Faith, can you hear me?
492
00:24:46,749 --> 00:24:50,299
Yes, can you get control of this, please?
Get control of this!
493
00:24:50,390 --> 00:24:53,064
Don"t you see?
We deal in weapons of mass distraction:
494
00:24:53,151 --> 00:24:54,869
They push your buttons:
That"s how they do it:
495
00:24:54,951 --> 00:24:56,544
He"s talking about hydrogen fuel:
496
00:24:56,632 --> 00:24:59,431
They"II say,"He wants an amendment
to the Constitution on flag burning: "
497
00:24:59,513 --> 00:25:00,912
It"s an emotional issue:
498
00:25:00,993 --> 00:25:02,950
They"re talking about the desecration
of the flag,
499
00:25:03,034 --> 00:25:06,311
but if you go on-line right now,
you can buy flag underwear:
500
00:25:06,395 --> 00:25:07,431
Wow:
501
00:25:07,636 --> 00:25:10,231
You could see an old lady,
basically, wearing a flag thong, and go,
502
00:25:10,317 --> 00:25:13,310
"Oh, Grandma,
don"t tell me where Old Glory is:"
503
00:25:13,398 --> 00:25:14,831
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
504
00:25:14,918 --> 00:25:16,716
It"s all about distractions:
505
00:25:16,799 --> 00:25:18,357
KELLOGG: Mr Dobbs:
DANIELS: Mr Dobbs:
506
00:25:18,439 --> 00:25:21,352
- Mr Kellogg wants to pass an amendment: : :
- Mr Dobbs, you"re totally out of line:
507
00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:22,840
: : : Against same-sex marriage:
508
00:25:22,921 --> 00:25:25,755
Anybody who"s ever been married
knows it"s always the same sex:
509
00:25:26,122 --> 00:25:28,637
- Mr Dobbs!
- They don"t know what to do with him:
510
00:25:28,723 --> 00:25:30,042
- What"s up with that?
- Mr Dobbs, please:
511
00:25:30,123 --> 00:25:33,560
It"s a distraction: They point over here:
They point over there:
512
00:25:33,644 --> 00:25:34,634
They want you not to know:
513
00:25:34,725 --> 00:25:37,160
You don"t have to have an amendment
to the Constitution on burning the flag:
514
00:25:37,246 --> 00:25:39,157
Make it out of asbestos:
No one will want to touch the thing:
515
00:25:39,246 --> 00:25:40,600
Let someone else speak, Mr Dobbs:
516
00:25:40,687 --> 00:25:42,484
DANIELS: Mr Dobbs, please do not make
a mockery of this process:
517
00:25:42,568 --> 00:25:44,524
- Ma"am, it"s been a mockery a long time: : :
- Return to your podium:
518
00:25:44,608 --> 00:25:46,759
- : : : Before I came here, Faith:
- Mr Dobbs!
519
00:25:46,849 --> 00:25:48,077
(LOUD APPLAUSE)
520
00:25:49,570 --> 00:25:51,687
Now we got applause: This is wonderful:
521
00:25:51,771 --> 00:25:54,205
That"s it, we"re out of control here:
We"re absolutely out of control:
522
00:25:54,291 --> 00:25:56,931
$200 billion! You can buy a few books!
523
00:25:57,012 --> 00:25:58,287
Mr Dobbs!
524
00:25:58,373 --> 00:26:00,011
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
525
00:26:04,775 --> 00:26:07,131
It"s hard to say how voters
are gonna react to Tom Dobbs:
526
00:26:07,216 --> 00:26:09,685
Either he"s a hot dog or the genuine article:
527
00:26:09,777 --> 00:26:12,133
He did make some issues
come home to people,
528
00:26:12,218 --> 00:26:15,655
and if he could actually follow through,
he may have scored some points tonight:
529
00:26:15,739 --> 00:26:17,457
That"s a good point, Cathleen,
but you know what?
530
00:26:17,539 --> 00:26:19,496
This wasn"t just funny in the abstract:
531
00:26:19,580 --> 00:26:21,731
It was very pointed,
and it was very to the point:
532
00:26:21,821 --> 00:26:24,211
He was making political points
with his comedy,
533
00:26:24,302 --> 00:26:26,293
and I thought
it was incredible entertainment:
534
00:26:26,382 --> 00:26:28,943
How good the politics is,
we"re gonna have to wait and see:
535
00:26:29,023 --> 00:26:30,173
It"s gonna be difficult to assess
536
00:26:30,264 --> 00:26:32,459
how the American public
is going to respond
537
00:26:32,544 --> 00:26:35,537
to the level of undisciplined behaviour
Tom Dobbs exhibited:
538
00:26:35,625 --> 00:26:38,379
God, l"m feeling good:
In fact, l"m almost euphoric:
539
00:26:38,466 --> 00:26:42,381
Excuse me: Can you go see Tom right away?
He thinks he screwed up:
540
00:26:43,148 --> 00:26:47,028
Yeah, l"m euphoric:
He thinks he screwed up:
541
00:26:48,990 --> 00:26:51,266
MENKEN: Who gives a shit
what talking heads think?
542
00:26:51,351 --> 00:26:52,340
Different is good:
543
00:26:52,431 --> 00:26:56,585
When I first saw you I liked you
because you were different: New, yeah:
544
00:26:56,673 --> 00:26:59,711
You talked too fast,
couldn"t understand you half the time,
545
00:26:59,794 --> 00:27:01,273
but you were fresh:
546
00:27:01,354 --> 00:27:05,143
These politicians today look like
they"re borrowed from the wax museum:
547
00:27:05,235 --> 00:27:08,194
They"re already in their suits,
waiting to be buried:
548
00:27:08,276 --> 00:27:11,475
You want to be like them? A waste of time:
You want to be different:
549
00:27:11,558 --> 00:27:13,116
All bets are off:
550
00:27:13,198 --> 00:27:16,555
You"re a good candidate, Tom,
as loony as that seems:
551
00:27:16,639 --> 00:27:19,393
- But: : :
- What?
552
00:27:23,802 --> 00:27:26,795
You could be an even better one:
553
00:27:27,123 --> 00:27:28,761
Are you all right?
554
00:27:30,564 --> 00:27:34,274
- What"s wrong?
- L"m just a little short of breath:
555
00:27:34,605 --> 00:27:36,324
(SIREN ACTIVATED)
556
00:27:39,527 --> 00:27:41,723
Let"s get you to the hospital:
557
00:28:02,935 --> 00:28:04,334
Lt"s his emphysema:
558
00:28:04,415 --> 00:28:05,849
The doctors say he has a problem
559
00:28:05,936 --> 00:28:08,405
with the enlargement of his heart,
but he"s stable:
560
00:28:08,497 --> 00:28:11,217
There seems to be a link
between smoking and heart disease:
561
00:28:11,298 --> 00:28:13,415
Or am I just making that up?
562
00:28:14,499 --> 00:28:17,617
This"ll be the first time
l"ll be in front of an audience without him:
563
00:28:17,700 --> 00:28:21,330
You do what you did tonight
and things could get really interesting:
564
00:28:28,063 --> 00:28:29,053
(CHUCKLES)
565
00:28:31,545 --> 00:28:33,900
The old bastard"s right: Look at that:
566
00:28:33,985 --> 00:28:38,105
You got to be different to make
an impression: l"m shaking it up there:
567
00:28:38,427 --> 00:28:40,066
Forget trying to be presidential:
568
00:28:40,148 --> 00:28:43,061
You end up looking like them,
another stiff in a suit:
569
00:28:44,509 --> 00:28:46,262
I got to play my game:
570
00:28:47,590 --> 00:28:49,946
They thought I was wild in the debate?
571
00:28:50,831 --> 00:28:52,902
Watch me the next two weeks:
572
00:28:53,672 --> 00:28:54,867
L"m back:
573
00:28:54,953 --> 00:28:57,991
MAN: Mr Dobbs, how do you answer
the allegations from the Mills camp
574
00:28:58,074 --> 00:28:59,587
that you were arrested
for smoking marijuana?
575
00:28:59,674 --> 00:29:01,870
I definitely was:
Yes, I did inhale, because I thought,
576
00:29:01,955 --> 00:29:04,072
"What the hell?
Lt"s lit, it"s in my hand, l"ll inhale it:"
577
00:29:04,156 --> 00:29:05,145
You"re not denying these charges?
578
00:29:05,236 --> 00:29:06,829
Not at all: I was 25: I was stoned:
579
00:29:06,917 --> 00:29:08,714
At that point,
I was pretty much on everything but skates:
580
00:29:08,797 --> 00:29:10,277
Sir, do you think it"ll affect
the campaign at all?
581
00:29:10,358 --> 00:29:12,076
Not really:
You want to know my history, basically?
582
00:29:12,158 --> 00:29:14,195
When I was a young boy, I used to look
at pictures of naked ladies:
583
00:29:14,279 --> 00:29:15,713
Hence, my right hand is very strong:
584
00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:17,870
I touched myself
more than the third-base coach:
585
00:29:18,080 --> 00:29:19,992
Seventeen years old, I beat up a guy:
586
00:29:20,081 --> 00:29:21,754
When I was 21, I went to a prostitute:
587
00:29:21,842 --> 00:29:23,673
I was so bad, she actually gave me a refund:
588
00:29:23,762 --> 00:29:26,152
I once had a blind date
that I left in the theatre,
589
00:29:26,243 --> 00:29:27,393
and I felt so bad about it, I married her:
590
00:29:27,484 --> 00:29:29,998
That"s my ex-wife,
who I am not on good terms with:
591
00:29:30,084 --> 00:29:32,553
I just farted a little while back there,
if any of you wanted to ask:
592
00:29:32,645 --> 00:29:33,715
And if you find any other nonsense
593
00:29:33,806 --> 00:29:35,717
you"d like to talk about,
l"ll be glad to discuss it:
594
00:29:35,806 --> 00:29:36,796
L"m at full disclosure:
595
00:29:36,887 --> 00:29:39,163
Ladies and gentlemen,
it"s now time for the campaign:
596
00:29:39,248 --> 00:29:42,798
Lt"s gonna be a whole new ballgame,
so brace yourselves, people:
597
00:29:44,209 --> 00:29:46,565
DOBBS: Are you tired
of the Democratic Party?
598
00:29:46,650 --> 00:29:47,639
Yeah!
599
00:29:47,730 --> 00:29:49,642
Are you tired of the Republican Party?
600
00:29:49,731 --> 00:29:50,880
Yeah!
601
00:29:50,972 --> 00:29:54,090
Are you tired
of a Congress that does nothing?
602
00:29:54,173 --> 00:29:57,325
Are you tired
of having twice as many lobbyists
603
00:29:57,414 --> 00:29:59,769
as they"ve ever had before?
604
00:29:59,855 --> 00:30:02,164
Then l: : : I have an idea:
605
00:30:02,255 --> 00:30:04,008
Don"t vote for the congressmen
or the senators:
606
00:30:04,096 --> 00:30:06,406
You don"t have to vote, because
you know how we"re gonna pick them?
607
00:30:06,497 --> 00:30:07,532
No!
608
00:30:07,617 --> 00:30:09,495
The same way we pick a jury:
609
00:30:09,578 --> 00:30:11,489
And you"II get
a more interesting cross-section
610
00:30:11,578 --> 00:30:13,410
than the folks you got right now,
611
00:30:13,499 --> 00:30:15,058
I guarantee you:
612
00:30:15,140 --> 00:30:17,176
Do you want a better health-care system?
613
00:30:18,341 --> 00:30:19,774
You have an HMO that basically says,
614
00:30:19,861 --> 00:30:22,740
"We"II give you Viagra,
but we won"t pay for glasses:"
615
00:30:22,822 --> 00:30:25,018
So you can have a hard-on,
but you can"t see where to put it:
616
00:30:25,103 --> 00:30:27,220
- We"re gonna change it, aren"t we?
- Yeah!
617
00:30:27,304 --> 00:30:31,378
Yeah! Now, we"re not just talking
liberal or conservative: Big-time change:
618
00:30:31,465 --> 00:30:33,900
You know, recently,
a lot of the past administrations
619
00:30:33,986 --> 00:30:37,662
said it"s unpatriotic
to question the government:
620
00:30:37,747 --> 00:30:40,308
You know, if it was unpatriotic
to question the government,
621
00:30:40,388 --> 00:30:42,186
we"d still be English:
622
00:30:42,709 --> 00:30:45,941
The Boston Tea Party: The Boston Tea Party
wasn"t people going, "Oh, hello: "
623
00:30:46,030 --> 00:30:49,580
It was a lot of guys in Boston going,
"Here"s your tea, right here!"
624
00:30:49,671 --> 00:30:53,348
L"m tired of the Democratic Party:
L"m tired of the Republican Party:
625
00:30:53,433 --> 00:30:55,310
This is what we"re talking about:
Freedom of speech:
626
00:30:55,393 --> 00:30:57,430
And it also comes down
to the idea of freedom of religion,
627
00:30:57,514 --> 00:30:59,824
the idea of practising
any religion you want, anytime, anywhere:
628
00:30:59,915 --> 00:31:01,348
You could be anything:
You could be Bewish:
629
00:31:01,435 --> 00:31:02,471
You could be Jewish and Buddhist:
630
00:31:02,556 --> 00:31:05,025
You sit and you wait
for things to go on sale: That"s okay:
631
00:31:05,117 --> 00:31:06,835
But that"s what we"re talking about,
the freedom of religion:
632
00:31:06,917 --> 00:31:08,636
But occasionally religion crosses over:
633
00:31:08,718 --> 00:31:12,075
You have people saying, "Intelligent design:
You must teach intelligent design: "
634
00:31:12,159 --> 00:31:13,592
Look at the human body:
635
00:31:13,679 --> 00:31:15,511
Is that intelligent? I find it more interesting:
636
00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:19,196
You have a waste-processing plant
next to a recreation area:
637
00:31:19,401 --> 00:31:22,041
They always attack environmentalists,
saying, "You"re a tree-hugger: "
638
00:31:22,122 --> 00:31:24,796
I go, "No, l"ve done more than hug a tree:
639
00:31:24,883 --> 00:31:27,842
"If you find the right naughty pine,
you"re gonna have a good night:"
640
00:31:27,924 --> 00:31:31,076
Oh, yeah, who"s your woodsman?
Who"s your woodsman?
641
00:31:31,806 --> 00:31:34,924
L"m not just a tree-hugger,
l"m an air-breather: L"m sorry:
642
00:31:35,007 --> 00:31:38,478
It"s bad enough for the squirrel
that"s outside going,"Please, help me:
643
00:31:38,568 --> 00:31:40,400
"I can"t breathe today: "
644
00:31:41,489 --> 00:31:44,448
If you put enough chemicals in the water,
eventually you"II be fishing, going,
645
00:31:44,530 --> 00:31:48,046
"You know, Bob,
I love catching them two-headed bass:
646
00:31:48,131 --> 00:31:50,123
"They"re good eating,
once you get past the tumors:
647
00:31:50,212 --> 00:31:51,361
"There"s some good eating out there: "
648
00:31:51,452 --> 00:31:54,968
Tired of the Democratic Party:
Now l"m tired of the Republican Party, now:
649
00:31:55,053 --> 00:31:57,329
But that"s why you"re here,
because you want change!
650
00:31:57,414 --> 00:32:02,126
Yeah! You want to shake it up:
You have to be eyes-wide-open,
651
00:32:02,216 --> 00:32:03,331
ready to move on:
652
00:32:03,416 --> 00:32:05,977
On and on, hand in hand,
653
00:32:06,057 --> 00:32:11,053
everybody together, moving forward,
because the future is now:
654
00:32:15,660 --> 00:32:18,300
Oh, yeah! Yeah!
655
00:32:18,781 --> 00:32:19,771
(WHOOPS)
656
00:33:00,756 --> 00:33:02,587
- WOMAN: Tom, you"re the greatest!
- Thank you:
657
00:33:02,676 --> 00:33:06,193
You sure you don"t want one of us to drive?
Lt"s eight hours back to Chicago:
658
00:33:06,278 --> 00:33:10,113
No, I just want to be alone
for eight hours with my Barry White tapes:
659
00:33:10,199 --> 00:33:12,714
Tom, the doctors say
that Jack"s still pretty weak,
660
00:33:12,800 --> 00:33:15,759
so he could actually doze off
before all the results are in:
661
00:33:15,841 --> 00:33:18,640
What"s new?
He used to do that during my act:
662
00:33:19,482 --> 00:33:22,759
Hey, pick up a couple of cartons
of cigarettes for Menken:
663
00:33:22,843 --> 00:33:26,041
- They"re cheaper on the road:
- You"re so thoughtful:
664
00:33:26,804 --> 00:33:29,160
- It"s my middle name:
- Compassion:
665
00:33:30,406 --> 00:33:32,362
(MY CULTURE PLAYING)
666
00:33:34,967 --> 00:33:37,038
WOMAN ON RADIO:
The exit polls are very close:
667
00:33:37,128 --> 00:33:39,359
Kellogg and Mills are running about even,
668
00:33:39,449 --> 00:33:42,283
with Dobbs at around 17% of the vote:
669
00:33:54,454 --> 00:33:57,845
As you can see, President Kellogg
is winning by a small margin
670
00:33:57,935 --> 00:33:59,608
over Senator Mills in Rhode Island,
671
00:33:59,696 --> 00:34:01,652
as well as in Connecticut
and Massachusetts:
672
00:34:01,736 --> 00:34:03,967
But in all three states,
the numbers are very close:
673
00:34:04,777 --> 00:34:06,006
You see these numbers?
674
00:34:06,098 --> 00:34:08,089
The computer glitch:
Lt"s happening the same way:
675
00:34:08,178 --> 00:34:12,571
It looks as if Delaware now is going
to President Kellogg by a very close margin:
676
00:34:12,660 --> 00:34:14,219
What do you mean,
it"s not computing right?
677
00:34:14,301 --> 00:34:16,371
Lt"s not: Something"s wrong:
678
00:34:17,142 --> 00:34:19,451
MAN ON RADIO: Here"s an unusual turn
of events in Virginia:
679
00:34:19,542 --> 00:34:21,693
With now 87% of the vote in,
680
00:34:21,783 --> 00:34:24,423
comedian Tom Dobbs is leading:
681
00:34:24,544 --> 00:34:27,264
That"s going to surprise
more than a few of the experts,
682
00:34:27,345 --> 00:34:30,144
but Dobbs" numbers have been
increasing since the last debate:
683
00:34:30,226 --> 00:34:32,980
Most of the polls had him with 10 to 11%:
684
00:34:33,067 --> 00:34:35,457
So if this vote holds true in Virginia,
685
00:34:35,548 --> 00:34:37,743
Dobbs is going to surprise a lot of people:
686
00:34:37,829 --> 00:34:38,898
Yeah!
687
00:34:53,074 --> 00:34:55,908
Ding-dong:
Are you ready for your piña colonic?
688
00:34:55,995 --> 00:34:57,428
What the hell are you doing here?
689
00:34:57,515 --> 00:35:00,269
I just thought l"d spend the evening
with someone who gets on my nerves:
690
00:35:00,356 --> 00:35:02,029
How about Virginia?
691
00:35:02,117 --> 00:35:04,996
Virginia"s okay, but Debbie, such a slut:
692
00:35:06,158 --> 00:35:08,798
A little intensive care package here:
693
00:35:08,879 --> 00:35:10,552
- Red wine:
- A good month:
694
00:35:10,640 --> 00:35:11,629
Yes:
695
00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:16,036
Hey, a little cheese and pâté,
always good after a heart attack:
696
00:35:16,242 --> 00:35:17,277
Sit:
697
00:35:18,042 --> 00:35:21,638
MAN ON TV: : : : Because comedian Tom Dobbs
has won New Jersey as well as Virginia,
698
00:35:21,723 --> 00:35:23,476
a blue and a red state,
699
00:35:23,564 --> 00:35:26,875
which indicates that his message
cuts across political lines:
700
00:35:26,965 --> 00:35:28,922
Lt"s gonna be interesting:
701
00:35:29,126 --> 00:35:31,038
You"re not gonna win this election,
702
00:35:31,127 --> 00:35:34,086
but at least
you didn"t go gently into the good night:
703
00:35:34,688 --> 00:35:36,485
By the way, from all the signs tonight,
704
00:35:36,568 --> 00:35:39,208
that Delacroy Voting System
has worked extremely well:
705
00:35:39,289 --> 00:35:43,284
We"re not hearing anything about
long lines at the booths or other snafus:
706
00:35:43,371 --> 00:35:47,411
It seems this has probably straightened out
some of those voting problems of the past:
707
00:35:48,612 --> 00:35:50,524
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
708
00:36:08,339 --> 00:36:10,092
- Excuse me:
- Hey, Eleanor:
709
00:36:10,180 --> 00:36:13,218
- Have you looked at these numbers?
- Yeah: Yep:
710
00:36:13,461 --> 00:36:17,535
Yeah, I e-mailed you: I told you I thought
there was something wrong with the system:
711
00:36:17,622 --> 00:36:20,183
I was told that the glitch
was just limited to my computer:
712
00:36:20,263 --> 00:36:21,299
Yeah:
713
00:36:21,864 --> 00:36:24,254
What? Are you calling me a liar?
714
00:36:24,345 --> 00:36:27,702
No: All l"m saying is that these numbers,
these results,
715
00:36:27,786 --> 00:36:29,777
this is what I mentioned to you in my e-mail:
716
00:36:29,866 --> 00:36:31,858
Why did you decide to test the system?
717
00:36:31,947 --> 00:36:33,301
Well, I don"t know:
718
00:36:33,388 --> 00:36:35,379
Why did you need to run a test
at such a high count?
719
00:36:35,468 --> 00:36:36,458
I don"t know:
720
00:36:36,549 --> 00:36:37,584
What did you expect to find?
721
00:36:37,669 --> 00:36:39,740
If you found a system error,
how were you going to fix it?
722
00:36:39,830 --> 00:36:40,819
L"m not sure:
723
00:36:40,910 --> 00:36:42,902
Well, look into your soul
and ask yourself this question:
724
00:36:42,991 --> 00:36:45,301
Why would you test the computer
to such limits
725
00:36:45,392 --> 00:36:48,305
with so few days left to fix a problem,
if you found a problem?
726
00:36:48,393 --> 00:36:50,384
I was just double-checking:
727
00:36:50,473 --> 00:36:52,669
Do you want to destroy this company?
728
00:36:52,754 --> 00:36:54,108
"Cause that"s what you very well may do:
729
00:36:54,195 --> 00:36:55,184
You understand the ramifications:
730
00:36:55,275 --> 00:36:57,915
Do you want to put
over a thousand employees out of work?
731
00:36:58,596 --> 00:36:59,791
Do you?
732
00:36:59,997 --> 00:37:01,715
But the election will be a fraud:
733
00:37:01,797 --> 00:37:04,153
Here: Here it is in the sensible light of day:
The people are voting:
734
00:37:04,238 --> 00:37:06,389
There is an election:
The democratic process has worked:
735
00:37:06,479 --> 00:37:07,673
The only sour note?
736
00:37:07,759 --> 00:37:09,671
They won"t end up with the person
that they voted for
737
00:37:09,760 --> 00:37:10,795
to be the President of the United States:
738
00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:12,872
But we can celebrate the process:
739
00:37:12,961 --> 00:37:15,078
The democratic process
which we hold so dear
740
00:37:15,162 --> 00:37:17,232
will have worked efficiently, effectively:
741
00:37:17,322 --> 00:37:21,237
Everybody"s ultimately gonna be
satisfied unless somebody discloses
742
00:37:21,324 --> 00:37:23,680
indiscriminately, willy-nilly,
743
00:37:23,765 --> 00:37:25,756
in which case, it"ll appear that democracy
is in the shithouse
744
00:37:25,845 --> 00:37:28,314
and by tomorrow evening
Delacroy will be non-existent:
745
00:37:28,406 --> 00:37:30,284
- Now, was that your motive?
- No:
746
00:37:31,527 --> 00:37:33,758
America votes: A leader is chosen:
747
00:37:33,848 --> 00:37:36,921
But one thing could disturb
this beatific vision:
748
00:37:37,049 --> 00:37:39,041
I just want to be truthful:
749
00:37:39,130 --> 00:37:41,884
Perception of legitimacy is more important
than legitimacy itself:
750
00:37:41,971 --> 00:37:43,484
That"s the greater truth:
751
00:37:43,571 --> 00:37:47,248
Don"t fuck with our democracy:
Don"t undermine our way of life:
752
00:37:47,333 --> 00:37:49,210
You want to know what"s at the heart
and soul of every American?
753
00:37:49,293 --> 00:37:50,443
They believe that their vote counts:
754
00:37:50,534 --> 00:37:51,933
And now you want to tell them
that that"s not true?
755
00:37:52,014 --> 00:37:53,004
- But: : :
- But what?
756
00:37:53,095 --> 00:37:55,086
But the results of the election will be wrong:
757
00:37:55,175 --> 00:37:57,292
One candidate will win
because of computer error:
758
00:37:57,376 --> 00:37:59,049
- He will? How do we know that?
- Yes: l"m telling you!
759
00:37:59,137 --> 00:38:02,813
Based on what? Guessing:
Listen, this is your project, Eleanor:
760
00:38:02,898 --> 00:38:05,254
If you want to tinker with it
for future elections,
761
00:38:05,339 --> 00:38:07,455
it"s not only your prerogative,
I encourage you:
762
00:38:07,539 --> 00:38:09,371
The Delacroy Voting System is your baby:
763
00:38:09,460 --> 00:38:11,611
You"re a perfectionist: Bless your heart:
I support you 100%:
764
00:38:11,701 --> 00:38:12,690
You want to make it more perfect:
765
00:38:12,781 --> 00:38:17,220
But do it alone,
and with an eye to the future,
766
00:38:17,303 --> 00:38:20,899
because it is the future that interests us:
Now is the past:
767
00:38:23,465 --> 00:38:27,379
As I understand it, there"s no problem:
768
00:38:43,952 --> 00:38:45,146
And?
769
00:38:47,793 --> 00:38:48,987
And:
770
00:38:50,074 --> 00:38:51,553
(MUSIC PLAYING)
771
00:38:56,196 --> 00:38:57,788
(CROWD CHATTERING)
772
00:39:05,199 --> 00:39:07,236
I tell you, they seem to like this guy Dobbs:
773
00:39:07,320 --> 00:39:08,912
Oh, Danny, please:
774
00:39:09,800 --> 00:39:11,917
What are you saying?
This is all part of the same computer error?
775
00:39:12,001 --> 00:39:12,991
Yes:
776
00:39:13,642 --> 00:39:14,870
L"m going home:
777
00:39:17,403 --> 00:39:21,079
Well, I don"t know if she"s enrolled
in the programme, l"ll tell you that:
778
00:39:21,164 --> 00:39:23,360
What does my legal counsel suggest, then?
779
00:39:23,445 --> 00:39:25,482
L"ll go make a phone call:
780
00:39:26,046 --> 00:39:28,197
MAN ON TV: There was some research done
about a year ago, I think,
781
00:39:28,287 --> 00:39:30,882
saying that more and more people
are getting their political news
782
00:39:30,968 --> 00:39:35,838
from Leno, Letterman, Jon Stewart,
Tom Dobbs, and Bill Maher,
783
00:39:35,929 --> 00:39:38,922
more than they do from newspapers
and actual news programmes:
784
00:39:39,010 --> 00:39:41,684
- There you go: My thoughts exactly:
- Maybe this is an extension of that trend:
785
00:39:42,412 --> 00:39:44,482
You"re kidding me: Come on:
786
00:39:44,892 --> 00:39:46,849
It should be on the news any minute:
787
00:39:46,933 --> 00:39:49,494
It looks like we"re gonna take
North Carolina:
788
00:39:50,174 --> 00:39:54,088
What? Oh, and Indiana? You sure?
789
00:39:54,175 --> 00:39:57,453
Oh, this is so insane:
Insanity, it"s sweet insanity!
790
00:39:57,537 --> 00:39:59,528
And Indiana goes to Dobbs:
791
00:39:59,617 --> 00:40:00,937
(CHEERING)
792
00:40:02,618 --> 00:40:05,975
It"s just been confirmed
that comedian Tom Dobbs has won Arizona:
793
00:40:06,060 --> 00:40:07,288
If l"m correct,
794
00:40:07,380 --> 00:40:10,657
comedian Tom Dobbs has won every state
where he"s been on the ballot:
795
00:40:10,741 --> 00:40:13,210
Comedian Tom Dobbs
wins the Sunshine State:
796
00:40:13,302 --> 00:40:16,181
So New York wants a comedian
as President of the United States:
797
00:40:16,263 --> 00:40:18,698
Comedian Tom Dobbs
has been declared the winner: : :
798
00:40:18,784 --> 00:40:22,858
With 99% of the vote in,
comedian Tom Dobbs has won Texas:
799
00:40:23,185 --> 00:40:25,461
The funny man has conquered
the Lone Star State:
800
00:40:25,546 --> 00:40:27,777
You know,
according to my calculations down here,
801
00:40:27,867 --> 00:40:31,065
comedian Tom Dobbs
has got 146 electoral votes:
802
00:40:31,148 --> 00:40:32,581
Right now he"s got them:
803
00:40:32,669 --> 00:40:35,263
And there are five more states
to be counted where he"s on the ballot,
804
00:40:35,349 --> 00:40:36,703
out of the 13 to be counted:
805
00:40:36,790 --> 00:40:39,749
And it"s possible, if he takes all five states,
806
00:40:40,031 --> 00:40:43,945
that could put Dobbs
over the top of the 270 needed:
807
00:40:44,112 --> 00:40:46,673
I believe l"ve got my figures correct,
but it"s a possibility:
808
00:40:46,753 --> 00:40:50,064
Not a likely possibility, but it"s a possibility:
809
00:40:54,516 --> 00:40:59,113
This is the happiest night of my life,
and I can"t stay awake:
810
00:41:00,878 --> 00:41:05,556
: : : Have not been holding true: Our exit polls
have only in some cases proven accurate:
811
00:41:05,720 --> 00:41:10,351
Perhaps voters are keeping
their voting choices close to the vest:
812
00:41:10,521 --> 00:41:13,559
Now, Senator Mills
has very strong numbers,
813
00:41:13,642 --> 00:41:16,760
but not strong enough
to beat President Kellogg:
814
00:41:16,843 --> 00:41:20,997
In fact, the incumbent
has beaten Senator Mills in every state
815
00:41:21,085 --> 00:41:23,361
where they"ve been going one-on-one:
816
00:41:27,327 --> 00:41:28,316
(CLICKS)
817
00:42:00,538 --> 00:42:03,497
They are still confident
of an election victory:
818
00:42:03,579 --> 00:42:06,333
Tom Dobbs has been gaining momentum
since the debate:
819
00:42:06,420 --> 00:42:09,572
Now, right after the debate
there was a mixed reaction,
820
00:42:09,661 --> 00:42:13,338
but what we"ve seen since then
is that the public apparently sees him
821
00:42:13,423 --> 00:42:16,062
- as a candidate for change:
- Oh, for God"s sake: Where is it?
822
00:42:16,143 --> 00:42:19,899
And he has been formidable, as we"ve seen
in these numbers here tonight:
823
00:42:20,545 --> 00:42:23,458
We are now going to go live
back to Election Central,
824
00:42:23,546 --> 00:42:26,300
where Chris Matthews is standing by: Chris?
825
00:42:26,427 --> 00:42:28,384
Hold on to your hats, folks:
826
00:42:28,708 --> 00:42:30,061
Tom Dobbs: : :
827
00:42:32,029 --> 00:42:33,018
(MUFFLED SCREAM)
828
00:42:33,109 --> 00:42:34,828
: : :275 electoral votes:
829
00:42:34,910 --> 00:42:39,906
Comedian Tom Dobbs
is the next President of the United States:
830
00:42:51,235 --> 00:42:53,147
At 1:23 East Coast time,
831
00:42:53,236 --> 00:42:56,991
Comedian Tom Dobbs has been elected
President of the United States:
832
00:42:57,357 --> 00:43:01,910
The free world will now be led
by a comedian:
833
00:43:25,007 --> 00:43:28,921
Mr President, Donald Tilson, Secret Service:
L"ll be taking over:
834
00:43:30,649 --> 00:43:32,924
You don"t find this a little bit absurd?
835
00:43:38,211 --> 00:43:39,850
Thanks for your honesty:
836
00:43:40,452 --> 00:43:42,762
Always been a big fan of your work, sir:
837
00:43:48,895 --> 00:43:52,935
Jack, you"re the manager
of the President of the United States:
838
00:43:56,217 --> 00:43:58,686
Comedy Store to the White House:
839
00:44:01,019 --> 00:44:03,056
WOMAN ON TV: I think we"ve got to look
into the issue of computer fraud:
840
00:44:03,460 --> 00:44:07,010
I mean, we"ve had problems in other states,
Florida, Ohio, elsewhere,
841
00:44:07,101 --> 00:44:11,893
where it"s not only questions of malfunction
but also questions of legitimacy:
842
00:44:11,983 --> 00:44:14,213
Are these computers hackable?
843
00:44:14,303 --> 00:44:16,181
Everyone knows there isn"t a paper trail:
844
00:44:16,264 --> 00:44:18,938
It"s not the way
the Delacroy System is set up:
845
00:44:19,025 --> 00:44:20,823
Congress knew that: And let"s face it,
846
00:44:20,906 --> 00:44:24,980
the reality is a comedian
was elected President of the United States:
847
00:44:25,067 --> 00:44:26,820
Case closed: End of discussion:
848
00:44:33,190 --> 00:44:35,830
Have you given any thought to
what the makeup of your Cabinet might be?
849
00:44:35,911 --> 00:44:38,380
Well, l"ve looked at the IKEA catalogue
and didn"t see anything I liked:
850
00:44:38,472 --> 00:44:41,909
But l"m hoping for maybe a dark walnut
with a nice veneer: That would be lovely:
851
00:44:41,993 --> 00:44:43,984
What was your Vice President"s response
to this victory?
852
00:44:44,074 --> 00:44:45,792
Well, shocked as the rest of us:
853
00:44:45,874 --> 00:44:48,309
He said, "I guess l"ll have to clear
my calendar for the next four years:"
854
00:44:48,395 --> 00:44:49,908
Can we get back to questions
of the Cabinet?
855
00:44:49,996 --> 00:44:52,112
Certainly: My Cabinet will be diverse:
856
00:44:52,196 --> 00:44:53,915
It will include
both Republicans and Democrats
857
00:44:53,997 --> 00:44:55,589
and people of no party affiliation:
858
00:44:55,677 --> 00:44:59,467
I want diversity: I believe that democracy
is about a collision of ideas:
859
00:44:59,719 --> 00:45:02,473
L"m not of the school
that if you"re not for us, you"re against us:
860
00:45:02,560 --> 00:45:06,076
That being said, if I had my druthers,
l"d love an all-lesbian Cabinet:
861
00:45:06,161 --> 00:45:07,310
They might not accomplish more
862
00:45:07,401 --> 00:45:09,552
but it"d be fun to think about
what they"re doing behind closed doors:
863
00:45:09,642 --> 00:45:10,678
Thank you very much, everyone:
864
00:45:10,763 --> 00:45:13,118
We"re on our way to Washington
and wish us good luck:
865
00:45:13,203 --> 00:45:15,081
Lt"s going to be an adventure
and you"re all part of it:
866
00:45:30,569 --> 00:45:32,049
Hello!
867
00:45:32,130 --> 00:45:33,279
Hey, Ellie: Sorry, I didn"t see you there:
868
00:45:33,370 --> 00:45:37,080
Well, maybe if you paid a little more
attention instead of daydreaming:
869
00:45:37,452 --> 00:45:40,570
- Sorry, just give me a cappuccino, please:
- Sure:
870
00:45:42,853 --> 00:45:44,128
Hey, Angus: Cappuccino here:
871
00:45:44,214 --> 00:45:46,251
Can you see he"s busy getting mine
right now?
872
00:45:46,335 --> 00:45:49,054
What? I was just giving him my order:
Lt"s not a big deal:
873
00:45:49,136 --> 00:45:50,125
Lt"s really not a big deal, Ellie:
874
00:45:50,216 --> 00:45:54,051
Well, apparently it is "cause, you know,
this is taking forever: lt"s forever:
875
00:45:54,137 --> 00:45:55,571
Hold your horses:
876
00:45:55,658 --> 00:45:57,489
Hey, Angus,
do you have any of those cookies I like?
877
00:45:57,578 --> 00:45:58,568
What are they called?
878
00:45:58,659 --> 00:46:01,094
Can you please
just let me get my cappuccino?
879
00:46:03,020 --> 00:46:06,775
Okay: I didn"t realise you were such a bitch:
880
00:46:10,743 --> 00:46:13,417
Anytime during this millennium
would be terrific:
881
00:46:13,864 --> 00:46:15,058
Thanks:
882
00:46:15,664 --> 00:46:18,259
- Cappuccino?
- Yes, thanks:
883
00:46:50,916 --> 00:46:52,032
(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)
884
00:46:54,798 --> 00:46:56,117
Shit:
885
00:46:56,198 --> 00:46:58,030
Shit: Shit:
886
00:46:58,119 --> 00:46:59,711
- Eleanor, let me lend you a hand:
- Shit: I got it:
887
00:46:59,799 --> 00:47:02,598
- Just let me take care of it for you:
- I got it: I got it!
888
00:47:03,561 --> 00:47:07,350
- It"s no problem:
- I got it! I got it:
889
00:47:08,362 --> 00:47:09,478
Okay:
890
00:47:10,123 --> 00:47:13,639
I got it: I got it: I got it: Who stole my purse?
891
00:47:13,724 --> 00:47:15,477
Ellie: Ellie, lt"s right here:
892
00:47:16,885 --> 00:47:18,717
Did you empty out my purse?
893
00:47:22,047 --> 00:47:24,881
- Did you touch my things?
- No:
894
00:47:25,048 --> 00:47:26,606
You touched my things:
895
00:47:30,290 --> 00:47:32,360
I can"t believe you touched my things:
896
00:47:32,450 --> 00:47:34,726
- Ellie, I didn"t touch your things:
- You touched my things:
897
00:47:34,811 --> 00:47:36,768
What is wrong with you?
898
00:47:37,692 --> 00:47:39,649
He went through my things!
899
00:47:44,214 --> 00:47:45,648
Damn it!
900
00:47:48,456 --> 00:47:49,935
I made a mess:
901
00:47:50,337 --> 00:47:53,694
L"ve made a mess: l"ve made such a mess:
902
00:47:53,818 --> 00:47:55,536
L"ve made such a mess, but it"s my mess:
903
00:47:55,618 --> 00:47:58,087
- It"s my mess, and l"m gonna clean it up:
- Okay:
904
00:47:58,179 --> 00:48:00,375
L"m gonna clean: My mess:
905
00:48:00,460 --> 00:48:03,021
Lt"s my mess, and l"ll clean it:
906
00:48:03,101 --> 00:48:04,978
L"ll clean it up: lt"s my mess:
907
00:48:05,222 --> 00:48:06,894
Lt"s my mess:
908
00:48:06,982 --> 00:48:08,780
WOMAN: Ellie, do you want me
to get some help?
909
00:48:08,863 --> 00:48:09,852
My mess:
910
00:48:10,303 --> 00:48:12,215
Can someone call 911?
911
00:48:23,708 --> 00:48:24,857
We have a bit of a deadline:
912
00:48:24,948 --> 00:48:28,784
In terms of appointments, there are
roughly 7,000 to 8,000 slots to be filled,
913
00:48:28,870 --> 00:48:31,065
1,500 of which
will require Senate confirmation:
914
00:48:31,150 --> 00:48:33,711
Seven to eight thousand?
Do we know that many incompetent people?
915
00:48:33,791 --> 00:48:35,225
Well, in LA, maybe:
916
00:48:35,312 --> 00:48:37,587
Oh, and over 400
just for core White House staff:
917
00:48:37,673 --> 00:48:40,984
Yeah: We have to announce 14 Cabinet
Secretary positions or at the very least
918
00:48:41,074 --> 00:48:43,349
begin to float
some of your possible choices posthaste:
919
00:48:43,434 --> 00:48:47,714
Just off the top of my head, I was thinking
Bruce Springsteen as Secretary of State:
920
00:48:48,716 --> 00:48:49,945
Joke:
921
00:48:50,037 --> 00:48:52,073
A joke: Little one: Little joke:
922
00:48:52,197 --> 00:48:54,951
Sorry: l"m just a little nervous, guys:
I do care:
923
00:48:55,559 --> 00:48:56,878
I hope this works:
924
00:48:56,999 --> 00:48:58,273
Lt"ll work:
925
00:48:58,440 --> 00:48:59,714
I think:
926
00:49:11,804 --> 00:49:14,922
Thank you: Sorry l"m late:
My horse pulled up lame:
927
00:49:19,207 --> 00:49:21,960
Thank you: Nice tie:
928
00:49:22,128 --> 00:49:25,838
President-elect Tom Dobbs
paid an impromptu visit to Congress
929
00:49:26,009 --> 00:49:28,683
and literally
brought down the House with laughter:
930
00:49:28,770 --> 00:49:33,208
As word spread quickly, more and more
members of Congress left their offices
931
00:49:33,371 --> 00:49:36,091
to see Dobbs" costumed visit firsthand:
932
00:49:36,252 --> 00:49:38,926
That reception you gave me
was quite extraordinary
933
00:49:39,013 --> 00:49:42,290
and I will try and be brief because
I know Tuesday is bingo day in Congress:
934
00:49:42,374 --> 00:49:46,813
It should be duly noted, Chairman,
that this is not a scheduled visit:
935
00:49:46,976 --> 00:49:49,616
It is not on the docket for today:
It"s not really official:
936
00:49:50,057 --> 00:49:51,969
So no rules have been violated:
937
00:49:52,058 --> 00:49:56,052
It"s just our little secret
between you, me and the world media:
938
00:49:56,779 --> 00:49:59,010
I also have some disturbing news:
939
00:49:59,180 --> 00:50:01,297
On the way in here I took a brief poll,
940
00:50:01,381 --> 00:50:03,418
and one-third of Congressmen and women
941
00:50:03,502 --> 00:50:05,811
thought that
this was still the present fashion:
942
00:50:05,902 --> 00:50:09,020
The other third thought that I looked like
former First Lady Barbara Bush:
943
00:50:09,103 --> 00:50:12,016
L"m looking at the toxology report here:
Lt"s overwhelming:
944
00:50:12,104 --> 00:50:17,339
She"s got Benzedrine, morphine,
codeine, cocaine, GHB, Talwin:
945
00:50:17,426 --> 00:50:19,987
Historians have written
that our founding fathers
946
00:50:20,067 --> 00:50:22,343
were brilliant and courageous men,
947
00:50:22,508 --> 00:50:24,784
but they sometimes
made difficult decisions,
948
00:50:24,869 --> 00:50:27,862
sometimes had to pass
unpopular legislation:
949
00:50:28,030 --> 00:50:30,420
Now, what would they think about us
200 and some years from now?
950
00:50:30,511 --> 00:50:32,581
What will they write about this Congress?
951
00:50:32,671 --> 00:50:35,823
Will they say
that you were brave and brilliant?
952
00:50:36,273 --> 00:50:37,865
Courageous?
953
00:50:38,273 --> 00:50:40,868
Will your legacy be
as extraordinary as theirs?
954
00:50:41,955 --> 00:50:45,346
We have a lot to live up to:
I think we can do it:
955
00:50:45,716 --> 00:50:47,627
I know we can do it:
956
00:50:49,397 --> 00:50:51,514
You can"t just say it didn"t happen:
957
00:50:53,358 --> 00:50:56,989
When have you ever known me
to ever take any kind of drugs?
958
00:50:57,360 --> 00:50:58,998
L"m even afraid of Nyquil:
959
00:51:01,961 --> 00:51:03,315
I got a promotion:
960
00:51:03,962 --> 00:51:05,315
They"re sending me to Ireland:
961
00:51:05,402 --> 00:51:06,677
Oh, Danny:
962
00:51:06,843 --> 00:51:07,832
What?
963
00:51:08,283 --> 00:51:10,434
They"re just trying to pay you off:
964
00:51:10,524 --> 00:51:13,722
They just don"t want you talking
about the computer problems:
965
00:51:17,246 --> 00:51:19,920
I got to let people know
the election"s a fraud:
966
00:51:20,848 --> 00:51:22,201
Do you think anybody"s gonna believe you?
967
00:51:22,288 --> 00:51:23,517
Sure: Why not?
968
00:51:23,609 --> 00:51:25,884
Maybe because you flipped out
and you"re in a hospital
969
00:51:25,969 --> 00:51:27,528
and you"ve been doing drugs?
970
00:51:27,610 --> 00:51:28,963
- I don"t do drugs:
- Cocaine, Ellie?
971
00:51:29,050 --> 00:51:32,088
I told you, I don"t do drugs:
I don"t do drugs: I don"t:
972
00:51:32,172 --> 00:51:33,446
Who believes you?
Who"s gonna believe you?
973
00:51:33,532 --> 00:51:38,130
There"s been a few problems:
Education, health care, inner cities,
974
00:51:38,214 --> 00:51:42,049
infrastructure, environmental issues:
That"s what"s before us:
975
00:51:42,215 --> 00:51:43,284
He will:
976
00:51:43,976 --> 00:51:45,773
I think our legacy will be: : :
977
00:51:56,900 --> 00:51:58,413
AUTOMATED VOICE: Turn left:
978
00:51:58,941 --> 00:51:59,930
Okay:
979
00:52:05,863 --> 00:52:07,012
Talk to me, baby: Talk to me:
980
00:52:07,103 --> 00:52:10,780
Drive 0:4 miles, then turn left:
981
00:52:11,105 --> 00:52:12,094
Okay:
982
00:52:13,425 --> 00:52:15,576
FBl: FBl:
983
00:52:16,867 --> 00:52:18,016
FBl:
984
00:52:18,987 --> 00:52:20,216
FBl:
985
00:52:22,028 --> 00:52:23,303
FBl:
986
00:52:23,869 --> 00:52:28,022
MENKEN: I am now the manager
of the President-elect of the United States
987
00:52:28,110 --> 00:52:30,750
and 15% of the President"s salary is nothing
988
00:52:30,831 --> 00:52:34,108
compared to what
Dobbs normally makes on a yearly basis:
989
00:52:34,192 --> 00:52:36,661
This is a monetary sacrifice
l"m willing to make
990
00:52:36,753 --> 00:52:41,988
since I am now the first show-business
manager ever to handle a President:
991
00:52:45,596 --> 00:52:48,350
(THEY CAN"T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME
PLAYING)
992
00:52:53,879 --> 00:52:55,836
See why l"m making a living here:
993
00:52:59,401 --> 00:53:01,040
Oh, I wish I could walk:
994
00:53:05,843 --> 00:53:07,163
Oh, man:
995
00:53:10,925 --> 00:53:13,121
Happy birthday, Mr Menken:
996
00:53:13,206 --> 00:53:15,960
L"m Eleanor Green, FBl:
997
00:53:16,447 --> 00:53:18,678
Hi, Eleanor Green, FBl:
998
00:53:18,848 --> 00:53:19,997
Everything all right?
999
00:53:20,088 --> 00:53:21,727
Oh, just fine:
1000
00:53:22,729 --> 00:53:23,798
Just fine:
1001
00:53:24,489 --> 00:53:27,767
L"m just here just making sure
everything"s secure:
1002
00:53:33,372 --> 00:53:34,726
I probably shouldn"t
have introduced myself:
1003
00:53:34,813 --> 00:53:36,611
L"m sorry, that was out of place:
1004
00:53:36,694 --> 00:53:37,968
No, you have to:
1005
00:53:38,854 --> 00:53:40,208
Anyway, happy birthday again:
1006
00:53:40,295 --> 00:53:43,049
Again? Did another year just pass?
1007
00:53:43,696 --> 00:53:46,006
I taught Tom
everything he knows about comedy:
1008
00:53:46,097 --> 00:53:47,450
Except how to be funny:
1009
00:53:47,537 --> 00:53:48,857
I can see that:
1010
00:53:49,018 --> 00:53:50,736
A put-down from the FBl:
1011
00:53:50,818 --> 00:53:52,935
No, l"m: : : l"m sorry:
I didn"t mean it to come out that way:
1012
00:53:53,019 --> 00:53:54,578
Oh, no, please: lt"s all right:
1013
00:53:54,660 --> 00:53:58,131
You know, he"s only annoying
when he"s happy: lt"s an old Irish tradition:
1014
00:53:58,221 --> 00:53:59,859
- You want to dance?
- I don"t dance:
1015
00:53:59,941 --> 00:54:00,977
Oh, perfect:
1016
00:54:01,062 --> 00:54:02,859
MENKEN: They didn"t teach you
to dance at the FBI?
1017
00:54:02,942 --> 00:54:05,582
J: Edgar Hoover was a wonderful dancer:
1018
00:54:05,823 --> 00:54:08,622
Fat, but light on his feet:
1019
00:54:12,466 --> 00:54:14,775
Could we just talk and not move?
1020
00:54:16,667 --> 00:54:17,942
Sure:
1021
00:54:34,913 --> 00:54:38,350
So what do you do when you"re not
pretending to be an FBI agent?
1022
00:54:41,275 --> 00:54:43,471
- It"s that apparent?
- Yeah:
1023
00:54:44,677 --> 00:54:47,271
You"re not concerned?
Someone like me crashing the party?
1024
00:54:47,358 --> 00:54:49,633
Please: Listen, l"ve played in clubs for years:
1025
00:54:49,718 --> 00:54:52,233
Had to deal with drunks, hecklers
and angry waitresses,
1026
00:54:52,319 --> 00:54:53,435
one of which is my ex-wife:
1027
00:54:53,520 --> 00:54:55,636
But you know, I have an eye
for that kind of thing,
1028
00:54:55,720 --> 00:54:57,871
and you wouldn"t be on my dangerous list:
1029
00:54:57,961 --> 00:54:58,950
Good:
1030
00:55:00,162 --> 00:55:01,561
- That"s good:
- Yeah:
1031
00:55:01,682 --> 00:55:05,643
Besides, Secret Service already flagged you,
and I said you were okay:
1032
00:55:20,009 --> 00:55:23,241
- Too fast?
- No, it"s fine: No:
1033
00:55:23,530 --> 00:55:25,202
So, what do you really do?
1034
00:55:27,851 --> 00:55:31,766
Well, I did work for
Delacroy Voting Systems:
1035
00:55:32,733 --> 00:55:37,410
But they had cutbacks: I was laid off:
1036
00:55:38,015 --> 00:55:41,292
Laid off? Wow, I thought they were making
the big bucks: I mean, that"s weird:
1037
00:55:41,376 --> 00:55:45,529
Well, it was a small cutback, actually:
It was a very small cutback:
1038
00:55:45,617 --> 00:55:47,176
Actually, just me:
1039
00:55:47,458 --> 00:55:50,974
Oh, so, would "fired" be more
appropriate than "cutback"?
1040
00:55:51,059 --> 00:55:54,655
- Well, if you want to be picky: : :
- Oh, picky:
1041
00:55:54,740 --> 00:55:59,213
: : :with words, then yes, then I guess, fired:
1042
00:55:59,782 --> 00:56:02,661
Fired would be it:
1043
00:56:02,823 --> 00:56:04,496
May I ask why?
1044
00:56:07,705 --> 00:56:09,935
- Oh, none of my business:
- It is:
1045
00:56:13,947 --> 00:56:17,224
Look, you"re having such a good time:
I don"t want to spoil it: lt"s: : :
1046
00:56:17,308 --> 00:56:19,300
Excuse me:
Tom, you have to do the birthday toast now:
1047
00:56:19,389 --> 00:56:21,380
Okay: l"ll be right there: Yeah:
1048
00:56:22,470 --> 00:56:26,100
Listen, we"re staffing up right now, and: : :
1049
00:56:26,191 --> 00:56:27,624
- Staffing up?
- Yeah:
1050
00:56:30,672 --> 00:56:33,426
Oh, staffing up? No, that"s not what I meant:
1051
00:56:33,513 --> 00:56:34,549
- Okay:
- That"s not why l"m here:
1052
00:56:34,634 --> 00:56:37,593
Oh, that"s all right, but listen,
this is my personal cell:
1053
00:56:37,675 --> 00:56:40,827
And you know,
if you need anything, you call: Okay?
1054
00:56:49,039 --> 00:56:50,188
DOBBS: Yes!
1055
00:56:52,520 --> 00:56:55,081
Yeah! Yes, indeed!
1056
00:56:55,441 --> 00:56:57,717
To Jack Menken, a man who once said,
1057
00:56:57,802 --> 00:57:00,191
"If Mama Cass had shared
a sandwich with Karen Carpenter,
1058
00:57:00,282 --> 00:57:02,194
"they both would be alive today:"
1059
00:57:02,923 --> 00:57:04,596
L"m sorry:
1060
00:57:06,244 --> 00:57:08,759
This is a man who is so sensitive,
someone once asked,
1061
00:57:08,845 --> 00:57:10,518
"What do you think of gay marriage?"
And he said,
1062
00:57:10,606 --> 00:57:14,202
"I think gays have a right to be
just as miserable as the rest of us: "
1063
00:57:14,727 --> 00:57:17,322
To Jack Menken, an incredible human being:
1064
00:57:17,408 --> 00:57:19,400
- A great manager:
- A great manager:
1065
00:57:19,489 --> 00:57:22,402
Made you a star: Made you the President:
1066
00:57:22,490 --> 00:57:26,245
- And by doing so, has put me out of work:
- Yes! God bless him:
1067
00:57:26,331 --> 00:57:27,845
God bless Jack Menken!
1068
00:57:28,052 --> 00:57:30,772
(BLACK HORSE AND
THE CHERRY TREE PLAYING)
1069
00:58:07,505 --> 00:58:08,780
(PHONE RINGING)
1070
00:58:09,146 --> 00:58:10,545
ELEANOR: Danny, hi:
1071
00:58:10,626 --> 00:58:12,140
Hey, where the hell are you?
1072
00:58:12,227 --> 00:58:14,503
Are you alone?
This is your cell phone, right?
1073
00:58:14,588 --> 00:58:16,226
Yeah, why? What"s going on?
1074
00:58:16,308 --> 00:58:20,747
Paranoid, I guess:
I got a chance to meet him: Dobbs:
1075
00:58:20,830 --> 00:58:22,229
(DANNY SIGHS)
1076
00:58:22,350 --> 00:58:24,660
You didn"t tell him, did you? I mean: : :
1077
00:58:24,871 --> 00:58:27,545
No, but he should know, don"t you think?
1078
00:58:27,712 --> 00:58:29,271
Let it go: Just put it behind you, okay?
1079
00:58:29,353 --> 00:58:31,264
Nothing good can possibly come
from revealing what happened:
1080
00:58:31,353 --> 00:58:33,788
Listen, is anyone trying to figure out
what happened with the system?
1081
00:58:33,874 --> 00:58:34,909
L"m just curious:
1082
00:58:34,994 --> 00:58:37,668
I don"t know: You know, I mean, it"s not
the sort of thing that l"d hear about:
1083
00:58:37,755 --> 00:58:40,793
I mean, I think they"d be going through
their private channels for that sort of thing:
1084
00:58:40,876 --> 00:58:42,435
You know how that goes:
1085
00:58:42,757 --> 00:58:43,872
Ellie?
1086
00:58:44,278 --> 00:58:45,552
Good night, Danny:
1087
00:58:50,600 --> 00:58:51,919
WOMAN: James Hemmings" office:
1088
00:58:52,000 --> 00:58:54,674
Yes, is Mr Hemmings in?
This is Tom Dobbs:
1089
00:58:54,761 --> 00:58:55,956
Just a minute:
1090
00:58:57,602 --> 00:58:59,480
It"s a Tom Dobbs:
1091
00:58:59,563 --> 00:59:02,397
Is that the Tom Dobbs,
President-elect Dobbs?
1092
00:59:02,484 --> 00:59:04,042
Well, did you ask?
1093
00:59:04,124 --> 00:59:06,434
No, I was too embarrassed to:
1094
00:59:06,565 --> 00:59:07,555
All right:
1095
00:59:09,646 --> 00:59:10,875
James Hemmings:
1096
00:59:11,247 --> 00:59:13,317
James, Tom Dobbs, President-elect:
1097
00:59:14,528 --> 00:59:16,041
Yes, sir: Yeah, of course:
1098
00:59:16,128 --> 00:59:18,518
I know this is a little out of the ordinary,
1099
00:59:18,609 --> 00:59:21,204
but did you have an employee
named Eleanor Green?
1100
00:59:21,650 --> 00:59:22,766
Yep:
1101
00:59:24,011 --> 00:59:26,572
- Is something wrong?
- I need some information:
1102
00:59:26,652 --> 00:59:29,451
It"s strictly confidential:
Just between you and me:
1103
00:59:29,533 --> 00:59:33,243
Yeah, I mean, well, you know,
where do I begin?
1104
00:59:33,334 --> 00:59:35,769
Well, I know that she was fired by Delacroy:
1105
00:59:37,055 --> 00:59:41,175
Look, l"m a little confused: Is she: : :
Is she applying for a job with you?
1106
00:59:41,257 --> 00:59:44,330
- No:
- Did you meet with her personally?
1107
00:59:44,418 --> 00:59:46,410
Yes: That"s how I knew
that she was a Delacroy employee
1108
00:59:46,499 --> 00:59:48,091
and that she was fired by your company:
1109
00:59:48,179 --> 00:59:50,819
Yeah, yeah: Did: : : Did she add to that?
1110
00:59:51,420 --> 00:59:52,410
Add what?
1111
00:59:52,501 --> 00:59:55,175
Did she mention that she had
a very, very bad drug problem?
1112
00:59:55,262 --> 00:59:57,902
She had a breakdown here:
She had to be hospitalised:
1113
00:59:57,983 --> 00:59:59,655
No, she didn"t mention that:
1114
00:59:59,743 --> 01:00:03,419
Yeah, yeah, that"s why l"m surprised
she"s there: She should be in drug rehab:
1115
01:00:03,504 --> 01:00:05,700
Lt"s weird: She doesn"t seem like the type:
1116
01:00:05,785 --> 01:00:08,698
- You know how I might reach her?
- You know how I can reach her?
1117
01:00:08,786 --> 01:00:10,618
I guess we both have a problem in that area:
1118
01:00:10,707 --> 01:00:12,699
Yeah: Yeah:
1119
01:00:12,788 --> 01:00:15,177
Look, if I hear anything, l"II contact you:
1120
01:00:15,428 --> 01:00:18,786
Delacroy Systems has completed a deal
with the European Common Market,
1121
01:00:18,870 --> 01:00:21,464
which will invest in
their successful computer voting system:
1122
01:00:21,551 --> 01:00:25,943
With this announcement, Delacroy stock
has jumped 37% on the big board:
1123
01:00:27,833 --> 01:00:29,027
WOMAN: Come on!
1124
01:00:30,153 --> 01:00:31,473
"S:"
1125
01:00:32,114 --> 01:00:34,424
- ALEX TREBEK: Yeah, there are two of them:
- All right:
1126
01:00:35,795 --> 01:00:37,627
- ALEX TREBEK: $900:
- MAN: "N:"
1127
01:00:37,996 --> 01:00:41,467
Yeah, two "N"s: "That"II get you
on the board with $1,800:
1128
01:00:41,557 --> 01:00:42,832
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
1129
01:00:47,839 --> 01:00:49,796
- $800:
- WOMAN: "L:"
1130
01:00:50,160 --> 01:00:53,392
Yeah, there are two of them:
You have almost $3,000 now:
1131
01:00:53,481 --> 01:00:54,835
- L"d like to buy a vowel:
- Yeah:
1132
01:00:54,922 --> 01:00:58,120
- L"d like to buy an "l: "
- Well, there are two "l"s: "
1133
01:01:02,204 --> 01:01:03,923
This would be a good time to find a letter:
1134
01:01:04,005 --> 01:01:05,074
"M:"
1135
01:01:05,165 --> 01:01:06,963
Or three: Yes:
1136
01:01:12,568 --> 01:01:14,524
Double "G"s" before double "L"s:"
1137
01:01:18,290 --> 01:01:21,124
Double "B"s" before double "G"s:"
1138
01:01:26,132 --> 01:01:28,249
Yes! Yes!
1139
01:01:31,814 --> 01:01:33,851
Double "G"s" before double "L"s:"
1140
01:01:34,895 --> 01:01:37,569
Double "B"s" before double "G"s:"
1141
01:01:40,577 --> 01:01:41,931
Lt"s alphabetical:
1142
01:01:45,539 --> 01:01:46,858
Lt"s alphabetical:
1143
01:01:48,660 --> 01:01:52,734
Okay, you mean to tell me that we didn"t
shut down her access when we let her go?
1144
01:01:52,821 --> 01:01:55,495
- Evidently not:
- That"s smart:
1145
01:01:55,582 --> 01:01:57,380
Her ID"s showing up on the access logs:
1146
01:01:57,463 --> 01:02:00,262
She"s been in the mainframe
and poking around the code depository:
1147
01:02:00,344 --> 01:02:01,333
Do we know where she is?
1148
01:02:01,424 --> 01:02:03,620
Not yet, but we will:
1149
01:02:04,025 --> 01:02:05,095
What"s the matter?
1150
01:02:05,186 --> 01:02:06,665
You know what"s the matter: L"m unhappy:
1151
01:02:06,746 --> 01:02:08,419
You"re unhappy about what?
1152
01:02:08,827 --> 01:02:11,103
What do you think l"m unhappy about?
1153
01:02:11,628 --> 01:02:13,346
- You agreed to play the turkey:
- I never agreed:
1154
01:02:13,428 --> 01:02:15,863
You know, it"s not a big deal:
All you do is cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck:
1155
01:02:15,949 --> 01:02:18,510
First of all, we don"t cluck,
we gobble, okay?
1156
01:02:18,590 --> 01:02:21,424
And if it"s not such a big deal,
why don"t you be the turkey?
1157
01:02:21,511 --> 01:02:23,980
- You want me to be the turkey?
- Yeah, come on:
1158
01:02:24,072 --> 01:02:26,064
- You want me to be the turkey?
- Yeah:
1159
01:02:26,393 --> 01:02:27,382
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
1160
01:02:27,473 --> 01:02:29,146
- Tom here:
- Hi:
1161
01:02:29,314 --> 01:02:31,350
- Eleanor, is that you?
- Yes:
1162
01:02:31,434 --> 01:02:33,346
How do you turn the music down?
1163
01:02:33,595 --> 01:02:35,393
We"re having
a little post-Thanksgiving outing:
1164
01:02:35,476 --> 01:02:36,795
Can I pick you up?
1165
01:02:37,276 --> 01:02:38,392
An outing?
1166
01:02:38,957 --> 01:02:41,233
No, I had something I had to tell you:
1167
01:02:41,358 --> 01:02:43,269
Good, good: Give me an address:
1168
01:02:44,279 --> 01:02:45,917
(COBRA STYLE BLARING ON CAR STEREO)
1169
01:02:58,804 --> 01:03:01,365
Eleanor! We"re going paintballing:
1170
01:03:01,685 --> 01:03:03,323
I brought you some
camouflage and thermals
1171
01:03:03,405 --> 01:03:05,476
because it"s gonna be cold up there:
1172
01:03:05,566 --> 01:03:06,681
Follow me, men:
1173
01:03:06,766 --> 01:03:08,678
- What?
- Cold:
1174
01:03:19,531 --> 01:03:20,520
(YELLS)
1175
01:03:23,612 --> 01:03:24,601
(EXCLAIMS)
1176
01:03:27,293 --> 01:03:29,410
Damn, I can"t believe it:
1177
01:03:30,614 --> 01:03:33,083
Oh, God: Oh, God! Oh, God:
1178
01:03:33,896 --> 01:03:35,295
You all right?
1179
01:03:49,621 --> 01:03:51,977
- L"m out:
- Well, thank God:
1180
01:03:53,582 --> 01:03:54,936
L"m out of ammo!
1181
01:03:59,664 --> 01:04:03,739
The President-elect"s just been shot:
He"s dead: Let"s go round them up:
1182
01:04:04,346 --> 01:04:07,817
What a pleasant way to spend the day, huh?
Killing your friends:
1183
01:04:08,467 --> 01:04:10,902
That"s all the exercise l"m ever gonna need:
1184
01:04:12,149 --> 01:04:14,219
- Did that hurt?
- Yeah:
1185
01:04:14,389 --> 01:04:16,221
- Yeah:
- L"m sorry:
1186
01:04:18,231 --> 01:04:22,305
Hey, Tom, can I talk to you for a minute?
1187
01:04:22,392 --> 01:04:23,507
Sure:
1188
01:04:24,913 --> 01:04:27,826
We have to walk away
from those with listening devices:
1189
01:04:30,235 --> 01:04:31,270
Do they have listening devices?
1190
01:04:31,355 --> 01:04:34,712
No, they can"t hear you:
Well, they hear each other, but not us:
1191
01:04:35,036 --> 01:04:36,550
Okay: Yeah:
1192
01:04:38,918 --> 01:04:40,636
Because I haven"t been: : :
1193
01:04:46,200 --> 01:04:50,639
I haven"t been forthright with you
about certain things: Maybe forthright: : :
1194
01:04:51,322 --> 01:04:53,917
God: Forthright isn"t
1195
01:04:54,523 --> 01:04:56,161
the word l"m looking for:
1196
01:04:57,164 --> 01:05:01,238
Maybe I haven"t disclosed enough
and that really isn"t easy for me especially,
1197
01:05:01,485 --> 01:05:03,363
now that I know you on, I mean, not: : :
1198
01:05:03,446 --> 01:05:06,086
Okay, I don"t know you:
I mean, I know you: : :
1199
01:05:06,167 --> 01:05:08,203
No, I know you because
you"re Tom Dobbs: I know you,
1200
01:05:08,287 --> 01:05:09,926
but I don"t really know you and: : :
1201
01:05:10,008 --> 01:05:12,842
Well, you know, you got a lot of setup here:
All right, you don"t need that much:
1202
01:05:12,929 --> 01:05:16,002
You know, it"s too much of a lead-in,
just the punch line:
1203
01:05:17,291 --> 01:05:19,122
You"re going to be
President of the United States:
1204
01:05:19,211 --> 01:05:20,201
Yeah:
1205
01:05:25,493 --> 01:05:27,530
- Maybe that"s not so bad:
- I hope:
1206
01:05:27,614 --> 01:05:28,603
Yeah:
1207
01:05:30,415 --> 01:05:33,453
Oh, God: I worked at Delacroy:
And I worked so hard:
1208
01:05:33,536 --> 01:05:35,607
- Yeah:
- And I cared: I cared so much:
1209
01:05:35,697 --> 01:05:39,134
- And I am so full of guilt:
- I can make this a lot easier for you:
1210
01:05:39,858 --> 01:05:41,451
What do you mean? How?
1211
01:05:41,539 --> 01:05:43,655
Well, I called Hemming at Delacroy:
1212
01:05:43,819 --> 01:05:44,889
- What?
- Yeah:
1213
01:05:44,980 --> 01:05:47,051
Well, you know, I wanted to find you,
and I remember
1214
01:05:47,141 --> 01:05:50,612
you said you worked at Delacroy,
and I wanted to see you:
1215
01:05:53,343 --> 01:05:54,458
You did?
1216
01:05:56,784 --> 01:05:58,536
- You wanted to see me?
- Yeah:
1217
01:06:00,665 --> 01:06:01,655
Wow:
1218
01:06:04,907 --> 01:06:06,420
God: That"s good:
1219
01:06:06,507 --> 01:06:08,658
- Yeah, good, not so good, you know?
- No, it"s good:
1220
01:06:08,748 --> 01:06:11,547
Well, he told me about
your drug problem, and: : : Yeah:
1221
01:06:12,749 --> 01:06:13,785
- Oh, no:
- No:
1222
01:06:13,870 --> 01:06:16,431
- No, no, no: I don"t have a drug problem:
- Whatever: lt"s all right:
1223
01:06:16,511 --> 01:06:18,706
- Tom, I do not have a drug problem:
- It"s okay: It doesn"t bother me:
1224
01:06:18,791 --> 01:06:20,111
Hey Tom, I hate to interrupt,
1225
01:06:20,192 --> 01:06:22,502
but the Secret Service
wants you out of here by dark:
1226
01:06:23,673 --> 01:06:27,872
By the way, drug dealers have
this place booked until dawn:
1227
01:06:28,995 --> 01:06:31,385
I didn"t tell him: He"s just making a joke:
1228
01:06:31,636 --> 01:06:34,197
We"ll talk about it later: Honestly: lt"s okay:
1229
01:06:34,277 --> 01:06:35,392
There is no drug problem:
1230
01:06:35,477 --> 01:06:37,469
That"s all I need to know:
I don"t think you have it: : :
1231
01:06:37,558 --> 01:06:40,357
- There"s a lot to discuss here:
- Yeah, I think, well, whatever: : :
1232
01:06:42,399 --> 01:06:44,436
I don"t know:
That just doesn"t look clear to me:
1233
01:06:44,520 --> 01:06:45,748
What do you think?
Like, another 30 minutes?
1234
01:06:45,840 --> 01:06:47,035
Yeah, maybe:
1235
01:06:47,121 --> 01:06:49,955
- The wing is still: : :
- Whoa, whoa, wait a minute:
1236
01:06:50,162 --> 01:06:51,881
We may have a problem here:
1237
01:06:51,963 --> 01:06:55,843
I like it crispy: I like a nice, crunchy skin:
1238
01:06:55,924 --> 01:06:57,152
I know, Menken, I know you do:
1239
01:06:57,244 --> 01:06:59,361
- Just want to make myself heard:
- You"ve been heard:
1240
01:06:59,445 --> 01:07:01,676
L"m a producer:
L"ve produced a lot of turkeys:
1241
01:07:01,766 --> 01:07:03,723
- I know what l"m talking about:
- Yes, you have:
1242
01:07:03,807 --> 01:07:07,847
Look at this old C-SPAN:
Congress is in session and no one"s there:
1243
01:07:08,328 --> 01:07:10,843
Look, Harkin"s speaking about
an amendment to a budget bill:
1244
01:07:10,929 --> 01:07:13,967
The place is empty: How do you get
people in their seats? That"s crazy:
1245
01:07:14,050 --> 01:07:15,769
- These people have things to do:
- Like?
1246
01:07:15,851 --> 01:07:18,730
Like, hello, they"ve got
lobbyists to deal with:
1247
01:07:18,812 --> 01:07:20,689
They"ve got trips
that the lobbyists have sent them on:
1248
01:07:20,772 --> 01:07:22,764
- Oh, right:
- They"ve got to go do TV shows
1249
01:07:22,853 --> 01:07:26,403
to explain to people what
they"re not doing while they"re not there:
1250
01:07:28,615 --> 01:07:30,288
This makes golf look like porn:
1251
01:07:37,338 --> 01:07:39,295
Shouldn"t you be giving that up?
1252
01:07:41,459 --> 01:07:43,894
Did you know there were once ads
1253
01:07:44,380 --> 01:07:47,737
that said four out of five doctors
recommend this brand or that brand?
1254
01:07:47,821 --> 01:07:49,540
Come on, you"re kidding me:
1255
01:07:49,982 --> 01:07:51,939
Doctors used to recommend cigarettes?
1256
01:07:52,023 --> 01:07:53,775
Said they were good for you:
1257
01:07:54,064 --> 01:07:58,934
There was one slogan, before my time,
"Not a cough in the carload:"
1258
01:08:00,586 --> 01:08:02,417
Lt"s a little too late now:
1259
01:08:03,787 --> 01:08:05,266
L"m sorry:
1260
01:08:08,388 --> 01:08:10,107
(DOBBS WHISTLES QUIETLY)
1261
01:08:17,832 --> 01:08:19,743
You like our Tom Dobbs, do you?
1262
01:08:22,233 --> 01:08:23,792
Unfortunately, I do:
1263
01:08:24,114 --> 01:08:25,593
I see that:
1264
01:09:07,808 --> 01:09:09,322
I have to talk to you in private:
1265
01:09:09,409 --> 01:09:11,048
- Now?
- Yeah:
1266
01:09:11,290 --> 01:09:12,279
Okay:
1267
01:09:28,776 --> 01:09:29,765
Thanks:
1268
01:09:35,618 --> 01:09:37,256
You"ve got a great group:
1269
01:09:37,979 --> 01:09:42,212
- Ellie, whatever your problem is: : :
- What? You can fix my problem?
1270
01:09:42,740 --> 01:09:47,941
Is this the President-elect speaking
or just Tom Dobbs, the comedian?
1271
01:09:48,342 --> 01:09:49,901
- Just Tom Dobbs:
- Good:
1272
01:09:50,623 --> 01:09:53,422
Because Tom Dobbs is not
the elected President of the United States:
1273
01:09:53,504 --> 01:09:55,336
There, l"ve said it: Kill me:
1274
01:10:03,867 --> 01:10:04,903
Lt"s true:
1275
01:10:06,588 --> 01:10:11,380
There was a problem with the computer
voting system: I tried to warn them:
1276
01:10:11,470 --> 01:10:14,986
And it"s that error that"s made you
the next President of the United States:
1277
01:10:15,071 --> 01:10:17,381
- I didn"t win?
- Not even close:
1278
01:10:17,472 --> 01:10:19,509
Why are you telling me this?
What do you want me to do?
1279
01:10:19,593 --> 01:10:21,390
I don"t know: I just: : : I had to say it:
1280
01:10:21,473 --> 01:10:23,430
L"ve been living with this:
And I just had to tell you:
1281
01:10:23,514 --> 01:10:24,948
You want to go public with this?
1282
01:10:25,035 --> 01:10:27,310
Well, I can"t: I mean, I could, but I mean,
nobody would believe me:
1283
01:10:27,395 --> 01:10:28,511
I mean, not anymore:
1284
01:10:28,596 --> 01:10:31,828
I mean, but somebody has to know:
Somebody, at least you:
1285
01:10:32,037 --> 01:10:34,268
I mean, I don"t know:
You know: : : Look, I don"t know:
1286
01:10:34,358 --> 01:10:37,829
Maybe it is best that you"re the next
President of the United States,
1287
01:10:37,919 --> 01:10:40,480
even if they didn"t vote for you:
I don"t know:
1288
01:10:41,880 --> 01:10:43,200
Out of curiosity,
1289
01:10:44,921 --> 01:10:46,037
did you vote for me?
1290
01:10:46,122 --> 01:10:47,999
No: I don"t vote:
1291
01:10:48,122 --> 01:10:49,875
I mean, to be honest with you, I don"t vote:
1292
01:10:49,963 --> 01:10:52,080
I mean, politicians will say anything
in the world to get elected:
1293
01:10:52,164 --> 01:10:53,392
I mean, maybe l"m just too jaded:
1294
01:10:53,484 --> 01:10:56,238
I mean, honestly,
I didn"t even think you had a chance:
1295
01:10:56,645 --> 01:11:00,276
I know it"s ironic l"m talking like
l"m concerned: I don"t even vote:
1296
01:11:01,207 --> 01:11:04,757
L"ve got to talk this over with Menken:
Come on, I want you with me: Come on:
1297
01:11:04,848 --> 01:11:05,883
- No, I can"t:
- Why not?
1298
01:11:05,968 --> 01:11:07,004
- I can"t:
- Come on:
1299
01:11:07,089 --> 01:11:08,488
- Tom, I can"t:
- Why?
1300
01:11:09,570 --> 01:11:12,210
I had to tell you:
You do with it what you want:
1301
01:11:18,453 --> 01:11:20,250
Happy Thanksgiving:
1302
01:11:24,815 --> 01:11:26,248
Happy Thanksgiving:
1303
01:11:42,661 --> 01:11:44,094
MENKEN: Something wrong?
1304
01:11:47,222 --> 01:11:48,941
You guys have a fight?
1305
01:11:50,824 --> 01:11:54,977
She knows a lot about computers,
more than you ever want to know, really:
1306
01:11:55,065 --> 01:11:56,579
Should I be impressed?
1307
01:11:59,066 --> 01:12:01,661
Lt"s kind of improbable,
me winning the election:
1308
01:12:01,747 --> 01:12:05,901
Mark Twain once wrote, "The only
difference between reality and fiction
1309
01:12:05,989 --> 01:12:08,219
"is that fiction needs to be credible:"
1310
01:12:08,910 --> 01:12:11,425
We are, my friend, in uncharted waters:
1311
01:12:12,271 --> 01:12:15,309
- She just told me I didn"t win the election:
- Whoops:
1312
01:12:15,632 --> 01:12:17,065
Computer malfunction:
1313
01:12:18,193 --> 01:12:20,150
She knows this for sure?
1314
01:12:20,314 --> 01:12:21,303
Yeah:
1315
01:12:22,514 --> 01:12:26,191
She tried to warn the Delacroy Company
and they hid it: A little bad for business:
1316
01:12:26,276 --> 01:12:28,426
- You don"t believe her, do you?
- I do:
1317
01:12:28,596 --> 01:12:29,871
Lt"s true:
1318
01:12:30,877 --> 01:12:34,075
I always thought the TV Nielsen ratings
were full of shit, but this?
1319
01:12:34,158 --> 01:12:36,309
Hard to believe all those years
that many people watched JAG:
1320
01:12:36,399 --> 01:12:39,870
I never met anybody who"d say,
"Hey, did you see JAG last night?"
1321
01:12:39,960 --> 01:12:42,555
Don"t believe her so quickly, Tom:
1322
01:12:42,641 --> 01:12:44,712
She knows what she"s talking about:
1323
01:12:44,802 --> 01:12:46,201
That"s debatable:
1324
01:12:46,562 --> 01:12:49,236
So what"s she gonna do?
1325
01:12:50,284 --> 01:12:52,275
Nothing: She left it up to me:
1326
01:12:52,604 --> 01:12:55,757
Leaving it to you:
Well, Delacroy is not gonna say anything:
1327
01:12:55,846 --> 01:12:57,882
She"s not gonna say anything: So,
1328
01:12:59,367 --> 01:13:01,483
- there"s no problem:
- No problem?
1329
01:13:02,328 --> 01:13:04,604
- We move on:
- Oh, like nothing happened?
1330
01:13:04,809 --> 01:13:05,958
Something like that:
1331
01:13:06,049 --> 01:13:09,360
You know, if you tell a joke and it stinks
but you put a laugh track over it,
1332
01:13:09,450 --> 01:13:11,043
the joke still stinks:
1333
01:13:12,171 --> 01:13:14,128
L"m President, but not really:
1334
01:13:14,572 --> 01:13:16,130
This is where we are:
1335
01:13:16,212 --> 01:13:19,091
You want to throw it away or go for it?
1336
01:13:19,934 --> 01:13:22,688
I never told you which gigs to take:
I only advised,
1337
01:13:22,775 --> 01:13:27,247
but to me, this decision is a slam dunk:
1338
01:13:28,977 --> 01:13:29,966
Yeah:
1339
01:13:39,340 --> 01:13:40,933
(PHONE RINGING)
1340
01:13:44,782 --> 01:13:45,771
ELEANOR: Tom?
1341
01:13:45,863 --> 01:13:49,652
Eleanor, tomorrow at 11:00
l"m going to have a press conference,
1342
01:13:49,744 --> 01:13:51,302
and tell the American people
1343
01:13:51,384 --> 01:13:54,502
that l"m not the legitimate
President of the United States:
1344
01:13:55,506 --> 01:13:57,064
L"m so sorry:
1345
01:13:57,827 --> 01:13:59,704
L"ll call you tomorrow, okay?
1346
01:14:15,713 --> 01:14:17,943
Danny, I told him:
1347
01:14:18,033 --> 01:14:19,467
Why did you tell him?
1348
01:14:19,554 --> 01:14:23,025
God, I had to, and now I hate myself:
1349
01:14:23,355 --> 01:14:24,948
DANNY: Does he believe you?
1350
01:14:25,036 --> 01:14:27,790
ELEANOR: He"s calling a press conference
tomorrow: At 11:00 tomorrow morning,
1351
01:14:27,877 --> 01:14:31,234
- he"s going to make the whole thing known:
- Oh, shit: Look what you did:
1352
01:14:31,318 --> 01:14:33,435
I wish I hadn"t told him:
1353
01:14:33,559 --> 01:14:36,632
I mean, I know I did the right thing:
I know I did the right thing:
1354
01:14:36,720 --> 01:14:40,157
It was the right thing to do:
And yet: : : And yet,
1355
01:14:40,241 --> 01:14:44,599
maybe l"ve done the wrong thing,
and how can that possibly be?
1356
01:14:45,923 --> 01:14:48,279
I mean, did I do the right thing
or did I do the wrong thing?
1357
01:14:48,364 --> 01:14:51,880
I know it"s the right thing to do,
and then why do I feel like this?
1358
01:14:56,927 --> 01:15:00,557
We"ve got to pre-empt his press conference:
1359
01:15:03,929 --> 01:15:06,160
And very early tomorrow morning:
1360
01:15:11,091 --> 01:15:12,081
(DOOR OPENS)
1361
01:15:34,699 --> 01:15:35,815
All right: Yeah:
1362
01:15:38,501 --> 01:15:41,414
- Press conference set up?
- Yeah: What the hell"s going on?
1363
01:15:44,663 --> 01:15:45,652
Okay:
1364
01:15:47,504 --> 01:15:48,983
Jack! Jack!
1365
01:15:49,704 --> 01:15:52,777
Got a reporter says Delacroy is going
to make a major announcement:
1366
01:15:52,865 --> 01:15:54,743
Lt"s a big story,
something to do with Eleanor Green:
1367
01:15:55,666 --> 01:15:57,305
Well, this is what we"ve got going on today:
1368
01:15:57,387 --> 01:15:58,980
They"re called the witches of November:
1369
01:15:59,068 --> 01:16:01,707
A winter storm pushing in from
the Great Lakes: That"s going to spread in
1370
01:16:01,788 --> 01:16:04,144
one to three inches of snow
right across the DC area:
1371
01:16:04,229 --> 01:16:05,948
Now, I don"t think
there"s any more than that:
1372
01:16:06,030 --> 01:16:07,509
Not a lot of moisture here: You can see it:
1373
01:16:07,590 --> 01:16:11,380
It"s a pretty closed-up system,
and it"s going to move up quite quickly: : :
1374
01:16:11,992 --> 01:16:15,144
We interrupt this broadcast
to bring you this breaking news:
1375
01:16:16,633 --> 01:16:19,832
We have some dirty laundry
that needs to be addressed:
1376
01:16:19,915 --> 01:16:25,036
Recently, Delacroy had to dismiss
an employee, Eleanor Green,
1377
01:16:26,077 --> 01:16:28,751
who was suffering
severe psychological problems:
1378
01:16:29,078 --> 01:16:32,594
We made an effort to get her medical help
and subsequently discovered
1379
01:16:32,679 --> 01:16:36,434
that she was heavily involved in
the use of barbiturates and cocaine:
1380
01:16:36,520 --> 01:16:39,115
We would have kept this information private,
but additional facts
1381
01:16:39,201 --> 01:16:40,954
concerning Miss Green have come to light:
1382
01:16:41,042 --> 01:16:42,794
We have evidence that Miss Green
1383
01:16:42,882 --> 01:16:45,841
manipulated the prototype
of our computer voting system:
1384
01:16:45,963 --> 01:16:47,363
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
1385
01:16:48,044 --> 01:16:49,033
Tom here:
1386
01:16:49,124 --> 01:16:50,444
Turn on the television:
1387
01:16:50,525 --> 01:16:52,756
- What channel?
- Any channel:
1388
01:16:56,207 --> 01:16:59,166
STEWART: Her motives
aren"t quite clear to us,
1389
01:16:59,248 --> 01:17:02,480
apart from the fact that she seemed
obsessed with Tom Dobbs,
1390
01:17:02,969 --> 01:17:04,528
to the degree that
she actually tried to corrupt
1391
01:17:04,610 --> 01:17:06,885
the computer system to get him elected:
1392
01:17:09,932 --> 01:17:13,562
We also know that the President-elect
has been seen in her presence recently:
1393
01:17:13,653 --> 01:17:16,726
We"d like to make this very clear: We"re not
suggesting that there was any impropriety
1394
01:17:16,814 --> 01:17:18,167
on behalf of the President-elect,
1395
01:17:18,254 --> 01:17:19,734
other than the fact
that he knows this woman:
1396
01:17:19,815 --> 01:17:20,850
Pull over:
1397
01:17:20,935 --> 01:17:22,767
We"re a family at Delacroy:
1398
01:17:22,856 --> 01:17:25,655
We have an extensive health care programme
1399
01:17:25,737 --> 01:17:28,855
and lots of people
have psychological problems,
1400
01:17:28,938 --> 01:17:31,055
mental problems,
health problems of one kind or another:
1401
01:17:31,139 --> 01:17:33,938
It"s not something you should sweep
under the rug: You gotta talk about it:
1402
01:17:34,020 --> 01:17:37,252
We believe that strongly,
and we make our best effort to
1403
01:17:37,341 --> 01:17:40,015
find out about it as soon as possible
and to give help:
1404
01:17:40,102 --> 01:17:42,856
The good news is
all the computer voting systems installed
1405
01:17:42,943 --> 01:17:45,742
at the polling stations throughout
the United States remain secure:
1406
01:17:45,824 --> 01:17:48,419
Therefore, there were no irregularities
in the election,
1407
01:17:48,505 --> 01:17:51,942
and our safeguards
proved to be impenetrable:
1408
01:17:52,026 --> 01:17:54,096
And that"s all the information
that we have at this time:
1409
01:17:54,186 --> 01:17:56,940
L"II take any questions now
if you got them: Yes?
1410
01:17:57,628 --> 01:18:01,542
Take a look at this: Take a look at this:
Perfect, just perfect:
1411
01:18:01,709 --> 01:18:03,541
She"s a piece of work, huh?
1412
01:18:03,630 --> 01:18:06,589
Flipped out in the company cafeteria,
on all sorts of drugs,
1413
01:18:06,671 --> 01:18:11,541
clearly a mental case, hospital said
she had more pills in her than a pharmacy:
1414
01:18:11,632 --> 01:18:12,827
I believe her:
1415
01:18:14,673 --> 01:18:16,904
- She didn"t seem that crazy to me:
- You"re in love with her:
1416
01:18:16,994 --> 01:18:19,589
She could tell you Gandhi
ate hot dogs and you"d believe her:
1417
01:18:19,675 --> 01:18:21,667
Take a look at this: Take a look:
1418
01:18:22,556 --> 01:18:25,594
If what she says is true,
l"m really not the President-elect:
1419
01:18:25,677 --> 01:18:28,192
"lf" is becoming a very large word:
1420
01:18:28,278 --> 01:18:32,033
Did you forget? The first time we met her
she said she was working for the FBl:
1421
01:18:32,119 --> 01:18:35,955
She said she knew about the computer
fraud, but takes three weeks to tell you?
1422
01:18:36,041 --> 01:18:38,509
Oh, by the way, you"re not
the President and Happy Thanksgiving:
1423
01:18:38,601 --> 01:18:40,558
If she"s not psychotic, she"s a stalker:
1424
01:18:40,642 --> 01:18:42,793
And if she"s not a stalker,
she"s a CIA operative:
1425
01:18:42,883 --> 01:18:45,637
- Or maybe, just maybe, she"s a succubus:
- What"s that?
1426
01:18:45,724 --> 01:18:49,513
A succubus is some sort of a demon
that sucks the life out of healthy men:
1427
01:18:49,805 --> 01:18:51,603
I was once a healthy man:
1428
01:18:51,686 --> 01:18:54,042
What are you talking about? Please, stop:
1429
01:18:55,247 --> 01:18:56,761
Don"t get off track:
1430
01:19:22,576 --> 01:19:26,287
Can I get change for this, please?
My dollar won"t work in your machine:
1431
01:19:26,378 --> 01:19:28,812
You"re that Miss Green from the television:
1432
01:19:29,499 --> 01:19:32,139
I wasn"t sure, "cause you always pay cash:
1433
01:19:33,580 --> 01:19:35,776
- Did your uncle get ahold of you?
- What?
1434
01:19:35,861 --> 01:19:39,537
Your uncle: He was trying to call your room:
He said he couldn"t get through:
1435
01:19:40,062 --> 01:19:42,736
By the way, that machine doesn"t work:
1436
01:20:15,354 --> 01:20:16,390
Yes, sir:
1437
01:20:17,315 --> 01:20:19,750
Yes, sir: l"m in her hotel now:
1438
01:20:22,036 --> 01:20:23,470
I think she may have figured out the glitch:
1439
01:20:35,601 --> 01:20:38,594
Bring it back: Bring her back:
I want constant updates:
1440
01:20:38,682 --> 01:20:41,197
Yes, sir: When I find her, I know what to do:
1441
01:20:43,404 --> 01:20:45,839
Boy, if she"s figured out
this computer glitch,
1442
01:20:45,925 --> 01:20:48,884
and goes with that to the press,
we"re royally screwed:
1443
01:20:51,286 --> 01:20:53,517
Mr President,
you have that luncheon speech,
1444
01:20:53,607 --> 01:20:55,963
followed by a White House meet and greet:
1445
01:20:57,048 --> 01:20:59,688
- What do I do?
- Go be presidential:
1446
01:21:01,250 --> 01:21:03,685
(SIRENS BLARING)
1447
01:21:13,854 --> 01:21:14,889
CLAMOURING)
1448
01:21:14,974 --> 01:21:19,128
REPORTER: Will your speech today give us
any insight into the Eleanor Green situation?
1449
01:21:21,337 --> 01:21:23,976
Jack, l"ve been trying to call her,
but I can"t reach her:
1450
01:21:24,057 --> 01:21:26,447
You have a busy schedule, keep: : :
1451
01:21:26,538 --> 01:21:28,097
Oh, that"s terrific:
1452
01:21:28,179 --> 01:21:30,614
Saturday Night Live wants you on
"Weekend Update:" What do you think?
1453
01:21:30,700 --> 01:21:32,850
- Did I hear Saturday Night Live?
- Yeah:
1454
01:21:32,940 --> 01:21:34,056
- Do it:
- Why?
1455
01:21:34,141 --> 01:21:35,494
Because it"s a great opportunity:
1456
01:21:35,581 --> 01:21:36,981
You talk about how
you were blinded by love:
1457
01:21:37,062 --> 01:21:39,213
You didn"t know
she was secretly popping pills:
1458
01:21:39,303 --> 01:21:43,297
It isn"t like you were on some side street
getting head, like Hugh what"s- his-name:
1459
01:21:43,384 --> 01:21:44,897
You"re so sensitive:
1460
01:21:44,985 --> 01:21:46,976
Okay, l"ll do it:
1461
01:21:47,065 --> 01:21:50,103
Yep, he"ll do it: l"ll call you later for details:
1462
01:21:50,907 --> 01:21:53,216
It"s hard to believe it"s been a year
since we"ve gathered together,
1463
01:21:53,307 --> 01:21:57,621
but nonetheless, we are very pleased
to have a most honoured guest with us:
1464
01:21:57,709 --> 01:22:01,225
I wrote down some lines for you:
They"re fantastic, if I must say so:
1465
01:22:01,310 --> 01:22:02,824
I even threw in an old Hitler joke:
1466
01:22:02,911 --> 01:22:05,345
- How"s that supposed to work?
- Oh, you"ll see:
1467
01:22:05,431 --> 01:22:07,548
Tom Dobbs:
1468
01:22:08,232 --> 01:22:09,712
Knock "em dead:
1469
01:22:18,796 --> 01:22:20,229
Thank you very much:
1470
01:22:21,317 --> 01:22:24,515
I guess we should get this over with
at the beginning
1471
01:22:24,598 --> 01:22:28,353
because you"ve all heard there"s a little bit
of a rumour going around right now:
1472
01:22:29,560 --> 01:22:33,190
So l"II share the big scoop with you
because Oprah was booked:
1473
01:22:34,881 --> 01:22:37,157
L"m not even
President of the United States yet,
1474
01:22:37,242 --> 01:22:40,121
and I am involved
in a scandal with a woman:
1475
01:22:42,484 --> 01:22:44,555
I did not have sex with that woman:
1476
01:22:45,605 --> 01:22:48,916
I wanted to: L"m single:
1477
01:22:50,207 --> 01:22:53,757
And you"ve elected a man as President
who is probably
1478
01:22:54,288 --> 01:22:56,803
the unluckiest man in the world in that area:
1479
01:22:57,289 --> 01:23:00,600
In high school,
most of my dates were with myself:
1480
01:23:02,411 --> 01:23:04,926
I would take myself out for dinner,
bring myself home,
1481
01:23:05,012 --> 01:23:06,650
put on music that I liked,
1482
01:23:07,813 --> 01:23:10,008
have my way with myself, and then go,
1483
01:23:10,934 --> 01:23:12,925
"Should I drive myself home now?"
1484
01:23:15,335 --> 01:23:18,169
Pretty much the bottom line:
I guess if I was in Italy, I might get lucky:
1485
01:23:18,256 --> 01:23:21,329
I mean, they elected an Italian
porn star to their Senate,
1486
01:23:22,017 --> 01:23:25,614
which is wonderful: There"s no sex scandal
there, just great posters,
1487
01:23:26,099 --> 01:23:27,498
and incredible downloads:
1488
01:23:29,180 --> 01:23:31,775
I think that"s the bottom line:
In a democracy,
1489
01:23:32,021 --> 01:23:34,855
we can have a certain sense
of humour about ourselves: We have to:
1490
01:23:34,942 --> 01:23:37,377
You"re allowed to make fun
of those in power:
1491
01:23:37,743 --> 01:23:40,052
But even in the face of tyranny,
there is comedy:
1492
01:23:40,143 --> 01:23:42,135
These two old Jews were sent to kill Hitler:
1493
01:23:42,224 --> 01:23:44,978
They waited in an alleyway:
They were supposed to kill Hitler at 12:30:
1494
01:23:45,065 --> 01:23:47,182
They"re there with guns, bombs, knives:
1495
01:23:47,266 --> 01:23:48,858
12:30, no Hitler:
1496
01:23:49,267 --> 01:23:51,178
12:45, no Hitler:
1497
01:23:51,547 --> 01:23:53,379
1:00, no Hitler:
1498
01:23:54,068 --> 01:23:58,348
Finally, one turns to the other and goes,
"My God, I hope nothing happened to him:"
1499
01:23:58,430 --> 01:23:59,624
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
1500
01:24:00,310 --> 01:24:03,189
It"s good to see us back again:
The fact that we can laugh is wonderful:
1501
01:24:03,271 --> 01:24:05,228
The last few years,
we"ve been divided, though:
1502
01:24:05,312 --> 01:24:07,349
Red states, blue states:
1503
01:24:07,633 --> 01:24:10,831
There are no red states and blue states:
There"s only the United States of America:
1504
01:24:10,914 --> 01:24:12,506
That"s what we"re about:
1505
01:24:12,794 --> 01:24:16,425
That"s why I say you can"t spend
$200 million on a campaign,
1506
01:24:16,516 --> 01:24:18,108
and not be owing people something:
1507
01:24:18,196 --> 01:24:20,631
And the next thing you know,
they have to deal with the special interests:
1508
01:24:20,717 --> 01:24:23,630
And next thing you know, they"re doing
special favours for special people,
1509
01:24:23,718 --> 01:24:25,755
and not dealing with what you need:
1510
01:24:25,919 --> 01:24:28,593
Education, health care,
environmental issues:
1511
01:24:29,320 --> 01:24:32,950
They have to deal with oil companies,
chemical companies, drug companies:
1512
01:24:33,602 --> 01:24:38,154
And they owe them:
And in the process, people get neglected:
1513
01:24:38,243 --> 01:24:41,953
The poor have no advocate
because the poor can"t afford a lobbyist:
1514
01:24:43,045 --> 01:24:45,799
The Statue of Liberty says,
"Give me your tired, your poor,"
1515
01:24:45,886 --> 01:24:48,002
not, "Your wealthy, your gifted,
and your endowed: "
1516
01:24:51,888 --> 01:24:54,722
I worked out your bit with SNL:
They really liked it:
1517
01:24:54,889 --> 01:24:57,199
- Has Eleanor called the headquarters yet?
- No:
1518
01:24:57,290 --> 01:25:00,488
- She hasn"t called me, either:
- Well, you never know with females:
1519
01:25:00,571 --> 01:25:02,687
I had an ex
who used to do enough tranquilisers
1520
01:25:02,771 --> 01:25:04,888
- to put a small flock of sheep to sleep:
- Why?
1521
01:25:04,972 --> 01:25:08,045
Well, mostly, she said
it made the sex with me more bearable:
1522
01:25:08,133 --> 01:25:10,125
- Eleanor didn"t do drugs:
- Oh, no:
1523
01:25:10,254 --> 01:25:13,770
And ballplayers don"t do steroids: They just
wake up one day looking like Mack trucks:
1524
01:25:13,855 --> 01:25:15,369
Pump a little iron, you look like a Humvee:
1525
01:25:15,456 --> 01:25:16,650
With little tiny balls:
1526
01:25:16,736 --> 01:25:19,535
MAN: Now remember, this is a meet and greet
and nothing more:
1527
01:25:19,617 --> 01:25:22,052
DOBBS: I know:
The house is so close to the street:
1528
01:25:24,019 --> 01:25:26,294
Whoa, boy, that"s a desk:
1529
01:25:27,380 --> 01:25:31,772
I mean, l"ve never really sat behind
a desk before:
1530
01:25:31,861 --> 01:25:34,774
I mean, the one on the show is just a prop:
But this: : :
1531
01:25:34,902 --> 01:25:36,097
Where do you do your writing?
1532
01:25:36,183 --> 01:25:39,574
Usually on the back of a napkin,
sitting in a bar or a restaurant:
1533
01:25:41,024 --> 01:25:43,220
Well, there"s a lot of history to this desk:
1534
01:25:43,305 --> 01:25:47,060
I remember the first time I sat behind it,
I had a sort of nervous chill:
1535
01:25:47,266 --> 01:25:49,986
Some of the greats
and not-so-greats have sat here:
1536
01:25:50,788 --> 01:25:53,747
- Please:
- Thank you:
1537
01:26:00,351 --> 01:26:01,340
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
1538
01:26:01,831 --> 01:26:03,584
Excuse me, Mr President:
1539
01:26:03,752 --> 01:26:05,869
- Hello?
- ELEANOR: Tom? Tom?
1540
01:26:05,953 --> 01:26:07,625
Eleanor, hold on:
1541
01:26:07,793 --> 01:26:10,672
Mr President, l"ll just be a minute:
Thank you:
1542
01:26:11,715 --> 01:26:14,913
Tom, two guys broke into my hotel room:
I don"t know what to do:
1543
01:26:14,996 --> 01:26:15,985
Who? Who are they?
1544
01:26:16,076 --> 01:26:19,547
They"re connected with Delacroy:
I think they know I broke the code:
1545
01:26:19,637 --> 01:26:20,832
Code? What code?
1546
01:26:20,918 --> 01:26:22,476
I figured out what caused
the computer glitch:
1547
01:26:22,558 --> 01:26:23,674
Where are you now?
1548
01:26:23,759 --> 01:26:26,149
- L"m in a shopping mall:
- Shopping?
1549
01:26:26,240 --> 01:26:28,708
- No, l"m not shopping:
- Well, why are you there?
1550
01:26:28,800 --> 01:26:31,110
I just: : : I didn"t know what to do:
I thought this was safer:
1551
01:26:31,201 --> 01:26:34,319
Mr President-elect,
l"m on a bit of a tight schedule:
1552
01:26:34,923 --> 01:26:36,754
Listen, Eleanor, l"m with the President:
1553
01:26:36,843 --> 01:26:37,833
What?
1554
01:26:37,924 --> 01:26:40,199
L"m with the President of the United States
in the Oval Office:
1555
01:26:40,284 --> 01:26:44,279
You"re with the President?
You"re in the Oval Office?
1556
01:26:45,206 --> 01:26:49,086
Well, Tom, I just don"t know: : :
I don"t know what to do: l"m afraid: : : Hello?
1557
01:26:49,928 --> 01:26:51,600
Tom? Hello? Hello?
1558
01:26:51,848 --> 01:26:52,838
Hello:
1559
01:26:55,770 --> 01:26:56,839
Sorry, sir:
1560
01:27:03,932 --> 01:27:04,922
Wow:
1561
01:27:06,133 --> 01:27:07,852
Lt"s been a pleasure, Mr President:
Thank you:
1562
01:27:07,934 --> 01:27:11,291
By the way, Mr Dobbs,
I never thought you had a chance:
1563
01:27:12,055 --> 01:27:13,535
I underestimated you:
1564
01:27:14,376 --> 01:27:16,254
Well, just between you and me,
Mr President,
1565
01:27:16,337 --> 01:27:18,373
you didn"t underestimate me at all:
1566
01:27:26,420 --> 01:27:28,252
Really? Why?
1567
01:27:28,501 --> 01:27:31,539
Oh, but that"s so weird:
I never said anything to him:
1568
01:27:31,622 --> 01:27:34,979
No, he said stuff to me:
Oh, like, what am I gonna say back?
1569
01:27:35,063 --> 01:27:36,861
But: : : Hold on a sec:
1570
01:27:37,384 --> 01:27:41,219
Hi: Sorry to interrupt:
I need a charger for this cell phone,
1571
01:27:41,305 --> 01:27:42,978
something I can plug
into my cigarette lighter:
1572
01:27:43,066 --> 01:27:46,457
We don"t stock the charger for that anymore:
How long have you had that phone?
1573
01:27:46,547 --> 01:27:50,018
Well, it"s not like it"s a relic: lt"s a year old:
1574
01:27:50,108 --> 01:27:52,179
Well, there is a problem: lt"s a year old:
1575
01:27:59,031 --> 01:28:01,546
Mr Stewart would like
to see you at Delacroy:
1576
01:28:02,072 --> 01:28:03,187
Why does he want to see me?
1577
01:28:03,272 --> 01:28:05,150
He just wants to sit down and talk to you:
1578
01:28:05,233 --> 01:28:07,304
Reasonable people
can come to reasonable solutions:
1579
01:28:07,394 --> 01:28:09,909
You figured out the computer glitch
and you should be paid for your work:
1580
01:28:09,995 --> 01:28:12,590
The Delacroy jet is waiting
at the private air terminal:
1581
01:28:12,676 --> 01:28:13,711
I got her:
1582
01:28:23,479 --> 01:28:24,515
Get in:
1583
01:28:25,720 --> 01:28:26,789
Get in:
1584
01:28:28,121 --> 01:28:29,110
(GROANS)
1585
01:28:40,245 --> 01:28:41,234
Shit:
1586
01:28:47,527 --> 01:28:51,841
Yeah: l"m tracking her on her GPS:
1587
01:28:54,490 --> 01:28:58,279
Yes: First opportunity I get,
l"ll pick her up, bring her to the airport:
1588
01:29:03,013 --> 01:29:04,492
I just got off the phone with the FBl:
1589
01:29:04,573 --> 01:29:07,850
They"ll confirm that you had no contact
with Eleanor Green prior to the election:
1590
01:29:07,934 --> 01:29:09,004
So that gets you off the hook,
1591
01:29:09,095 --> 01:29:11,450
in terms of you being involved
in any attempt to fix the election:
1592
01:29:11,536 --> 01:29:13,606
Sir, we"ve got to get you
to the airport a little earlier:
1593
01:29:13,696 --> 01:29:15,210
There"s a storm front moving in:
1594
01:29:29,061 --> 01:29:31,417
Oh, for God"s sake:
1595
01:29:52,990 --> 01:29:57,781
Well, after Saturday Night Live tonight,
then l"m going to be heading on:
1596
01:29:57,871 --> 01:29:59,191
Why so soon?
1597
01:29:59,272 --> 01:30:03,346
Well, Menken thinks it"s for the best:
No sense postponing the inevitable:
1598
01:30:03,433 --> 01:30:05,504
Will you be disappointed to go back
to television after this ride?
1599
01:30:05,594 --> 01:30:08,792
Oh, no: I have a glorious
love-hate relationship with TV:
1600
01:30:08,875 --> 01:30:10,707
- How so?
- TV scares me:
1601
01:30:10,796 --> 01:30:12,468
It makes everything seem credible:
1602
01:30:12,556 --> 01:30:13,910
But why is that so bad?
1603
01:30:13,997 --> 01:30:17,035
Well, if everything seems credible,
then nothing seems credible:
1604
01:30:17,118 --> 01:30:20,634
You know, TV puts everybody
in those boxes side by side:
1605
01:30:20,719 --> 01:30:25,396
On one side, there"s the certifiable lunatic
who says the Holocaust never happened:
1606
01:30:25,481 --> 01:30:28,633
And next to him
is this noted, honoured historian
1607
01:30:28,722 --> 01:30:30,952
who knows all about the Holocaust:
1608
01:30:31,042 --> 01:30:35,401
And now, there they sit, side by side:
They look like equals:
1609
01:30:35,484 --> 01:30:37,441
Everything they say seems to be credible:
1610
01:30:37,525 --> 01:30:40,962
And so, as it goes on,
nothing seems credible anymore:
1611
01:30:41,046 --> 01:30:42,559
We just stop listening:
1612
01:30:42,646 --> 01:30:45,366
In the Times today, 60% of the voters
would have voted for Dobbs
1613
01:30:45,447 --> 01:30:46,801
- if they could have:
- Well, yeah:
1614
01:30:46,888 --> 01:30:50,359
He sounds different:
That"s why they can hear him:
1615
01:31:14,177 --> 01:31:15,691
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
1616
01:31:16,498 --> 01:31:17,487
Hello?
1617
01:31:17,578 --> 01:31:19,854
My cell phone died
and some guy is after me:
1618
01:31:19,939 --> 01:31:21,531
I thought two guys were after you?
1619
01:31:21,620 --> 01:31:23,212
No, this is someone else:
1620
01:31:23,300 --> 01:31:24,289
Who?
1621
01:31:24,380 --> 01:31:27,054
I assume that he"s from Delacroy:
He has a pickup truck:
1622
01:31:27,141 --> 01:31:29,895
Eleanor, I think you need help:
1623
01:31:29,982 --> 01:31:32,178
He tried to abduct me from the mall:
1624
01:31:32,263 --> 01:31:34,573
From the mall: Okay:
1625
01:31:34,664 --> 01:31:38,340
Look, I think it has to do
with the fact that I figured everything out:
1626
01:31:39,866 --> 01:31:42,745
She"s in a phone booth off Route 173:
1627
01:31:42,827 --> 01:31:45,979
You see, Mills and Kellogg
both have double "L"s,"
1628
01:31:46,068 --> 01:31:49,857
but Kellogg trumps him with double "G"s,"
and you trump him with double "B"s:"
1629
01:31:49,949 --> 01:31:53,625
I don"t know what that means, Eleanor:
Listen, where are you?
1630
01:31:53,710 --> 01:31:55,941
I don"t know: I don"t know: : :
I don"t know where I am:
1631
01:31:56,031 --> 01:31:57,988
Lt"s dark: There"s a factory:
1632
01:31:58,072 --> 01:31:59,664
I see a Christmas tree:
1633
01:31:59,752 --> 01:32:01,391
I don"t know: I don"t know where I am:
1634
01:32:01,473 --> 01:32:03,066
What do you want me to do now, sir?
1635
01:32:03,154 --> 01:32:05,145
STEWART: L"m willing to offer her big money,
big money:
1636
01:32:05,234 --> 01:32:07,226
She"s running away now?
1637
01:32:07,635 --> 01:32:10,867
Why is she running away? She"s impossible:
1638
01:32:10,956 --> 01:32:13,187
I don"t know who she"s talking to:
I don"t know what she"s saying:
1639
01:32:13,277 --> 01:32:17,955
All right: Go to the airport:
You go to BWI private terminal:
1640
01:32:18,039 --> 01:32:20,759
There"s a plane there:
We"ll get on that plane,
1641
01:32:20,840 --> 01:32:23,035
l"ll take you to New York,
and we"ll solve your problem, okay?
1642
01:32:23,120 --> 01:32:26,876
Private terminal at the airport?
I don"t know how to get to the airport:
1643
01:32:27,402 --> 01:32:31,237
All right, l"ll try: l"ll try and get there:
L"ll look in my GPS or something:
1644
01:32:35,565 --> 01:32:37,681
Hello? Eleanor?
1645
01:32:41,727 --> 01:32:42,716
We have breaking news now:
1646
01:32:42,807 --> 01:32:45,368
We do know there has been
a very serious traffic accident:
1647
01:32:45,448 --> 01:32:48,521
It is tying up traffic out on
the Baltimore-Washington Parkway,
1648
01:32:48,609 --> 01:32:52,159
just where it meets Route 495,
and that is the Capital Beltway:
1649
01:32:52,250 --> 01:32:56,164
And there has been one serious injury:
We have been talking to police:
1650
01:32:56,252 --> 01:32:59,689
They have identified the injured woman
as an Eleanor Green:
1651
01:32:59,773 --> 01:33:00,842
Oh, my God:
1652
01:33:00,933 --> 01:33:03,494
And yes, if that name sounds familiar
to you, it is the same Eleanor Green: : :
1653
01:33:03,574 --> 01:33:05,007
Menken! You have to see this!
1654
01:33:08,736 --> 01:33:11,695
Sir, we just got a report of an accident:
Lt"s Eleanor Green:
1655
01:33:28,462 --> 01:33:31,182
Not now, please: Excuse me:
1656
01:33:33,064 --> 01:33:34,942
- Are you with the ambulance?
- Yes, sir:
1657
01:33:35,025 --> 01:33:36,617
- Eleanor Green?
- She"s in stable condition:
1658
01:33:36,705 --> 01:33:38,139
Thank you:
1659
01:33:38,626 --> 01:33:39,615
Not now:
1660
01:33:42,787 --> 01:33:46,623
Oh, shit: Why does he have to get himself
into this mess?
1661
01:33:58,913 --> 01:34:00,949
Kid driving the truck is from Pittsburgh:
1662
01:34:01,033 --> 01:34:04,391
Apparently, he lost control on the ice,
went right off the road:
1663
01:34:10,437 --> 01:34:12,314
Tom, we"ve gotta get to
Saturday Night Live:
1664
01:34:12,397 --> 01:34:13,513
There"s time:
1665
01:34:24,041 --> 01:34:25,555
Double "B:"
1666
01:34:25,642 --> 01:34:29,761
Double "L," double "G," double "B:"
1667
01:34:29,843 --> 01:34:34,043
Double "L," double "G," double "B:"
1668
01:34:35,045 --> 01:34:38,197
Double "L," double "G:"
1669
01:34:41,527 --> 01:34:46,000
Double "L," double "G:"
1670
01:34:53,051 --> 01:34:55,043
DOBBS: They are trying to discredit her:
1671
01:34:55,292 --> 01:34:57,044
She"s not psychotic, okay?
1672
01:34:58,413 --> 01:35:00,131
I believe her, for Christ"s sake:
Look what they did:
1673
01:35:00,213 --> 01:35:03,525
MENKEN: Last night you were willing to
give it all up: Now you want to do it again:
1674
01:35:03,615 --> 01:35:06,175
- Listen to me:
- Police said a truck went out of control:
1675
01:35:06,255 --> 01:35:08,167
L"m trying to tell you
that she was trying to tell me something:
1676
01:35:08,256 --> 01:35:09,326
It was snowing:
1677
01:35:09,417 --> 01:35:11,487
She said she knew
what the computer glitch was:
1678
01:35:11,577 --> 01:35:14,411
And the way she is right now, it"ll be
a couple of days before we can find out:
1679
01:35:14,498 --> 01:35:16,967
Where"s the proof, some proof?
Give me something,
1680
01:35:17,059 --> 01:35:19,335
something to justify what she"s saying:
1681
01:35:19,540 --> 01:35:21,418
We don"t have time
to keep playing this game:
1682
01:35:21,501 --> 01:35:24,494
She was trying to explain it to me,
but it didn"t make any sense:
1683
01:35:24,582 --> 01:35:26,573
She kept saying, "Double "B,"
double "G," double "L:""
1684
01:35:26,662 --> 01:35:28,096
Lt"s like a code,
but I don"t know what it means:
1685
01:35:28,183 --> 01:35:30,573
Whatever the hell happened,
we"re never gonna know for sure:
1686
01:35:30,664 --> 01:35:33,384
Only one thing remains true:
You"re the President:
1687
01:35:36,466 --> 01:35:39,061
You"re either getting on that plane or not:
1688
01:35:39,667 --> 01:35:44,059
Tom, come January 20th,
the White House is yours:
1689
01:35:44,668 --> 01:35:49,460
Nothing can change that:
No one can, except you:
1690
01:35:57,633 --> 01:35:58,861
You coming?
1691
01:36:30,444 --> 01:36:32,879
ANNOUNCER: From Studio 8-H
in Rockefeller Centre,
1692
01:36:33,205 --> 01:36:37,563
it"s "Weekend Update"
with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
1693
01:36:37,646 --> 01:36:38,921
Hi, l"m Amy Poehler:
1694
01:36:39,007 --> 01:36:41,681
L"m Tina Fey:
And here are tonight"s top stories:
1695
01:36:41,928 --> 01:36:45,842
A Malaysian man, famous for pulling
planes and buses with his hair,
1696
01:36:45,929 --> 01:36:47,886
died this week of heart complications:
1697
01:36:47,970 --> 01:36:49,608
Tragically, he would still be alive,
1698
01:36:49,690 --> 01:36:52,205
but he insisted
on pulling his own ambulance:
1699
01:36:52,291 --> 01:36:53,281
(LAUGHTER)
1700
01:36:53,372 --> 01:36:56,922
A German filmmaker is planning
to make a comedy about Adolf Hitler:
1701
01:36:57,013 --> 01:37:01,053
Hey, I just went through the cue cards
and l"m telling you, you"re gonna kill:
1702
01:37:01,134 --> 01:37:03,603
You know, it"s gonna work like a charm:
Don"t worry about a thing:
1703
01:37:03,695 --> 01:37:06,415
And you do a couple of those
Eleanor Green jokes,
1704
01:37:06,496 --> 01:37:08,772
and we get this stuff
way, way behind you, all right?
1705
01:37:08,857 --> 01:37:11,326
- All right:
- You can go on and be President:
1706
01:37:12,098 --> 01:37:14,010
(LANGSTON LAUGHING)
1707
01:37:15,379 --> 01:37:18,736
Forensic scientists say they have
recreated George Washington
1708
01:37:18,820 --> 01:37:20,573
as he looked at age 19,
1709
01:37:20,661 --> 01:37:23,938
while Tom Dobbs has recreated how
Thomas Jefferson would have looked
1710
01:37:24,022 --> 01:37:25,341
if he were crazy:
1711
01:37:27,143 --> 01:37:31,183
POEHLER: University researchers
have set up a Google-backed programme
1712
01:37:31,265 --> 01:37:35,418
to track spyware, adware,
and other bad-ware back to its source:
1713
01:37:35,506 --> 01:37:39,625
And when the source is finally identified,
Tom Dobbs will sleep with it:
1714
01:37:39,747 --> 01:37:40,863
(LAUGHTER)
1715
01:37:41,868 --> 01:37:44,667
A new report suggests
that more species of birds
1716
01:37:44,749 --> 01:37:46,741
mate for life than previously believed,
1717
01:37:46,830 --> 01:37:49,868
while other species only mate for votes:
1718
01:37:51,351 --> 01:37:54,549
This week, Tom Dobbs met
with his presidential transition team
1719
01:37:54,632 --> 01:37:57,227
who briefed him on
the day-to-day activities of the Oval Office:
1720
01:37:57,313 --> 01:37:59,908
However, Dobbs became upset
when he learnt that Monday
1721
01:37:59,994 --> 01:38:01,223
would no longer be re-runs:
1722
01:38:01,315 --> 01:38:02,464
I heard that!
1723
01:38:02,555 --> 01:38:04,069
Who said that?
1724
01:38:04,756 --> 01:38:06,428
Do we have a special guest?
1725
01:38:06,516 --> 01:38:07,552
What?
1726
01:38:08,317 --> 01:38:10,149
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
1727
01:38:18,440 --> 01:38:20,796
President-elect Tom Dobbs:
1728
01:38:22,602 --> 01:38:23,591
Wow:
1729
01:38:25,403 --> 01:38:27,474
Just in the neighbourhood,
thought l"d drop by:
1730
01:38:27,564 --> 01:38:30,762
I always wanted to say that, sounds
like Bob Hope: "Thought l"d drop by:"
1731
01:38:30,845 --> 01:38:33,279
Thank you so much for coming: Sit down:
Make yourself comfortable:
1732
01:38:33,366 --> 01:38:34,515
Lovely, thank you:
1733
01:38:34,606 --> 01:38:37,883
Well: Now listen, we all saw you
in Congress in that outfit the other day:
1734
01:38:37,967 --> 01:38:39,686
That was quite flattering:
1735
01:38:39,768 --> 01:38:44,001
Those wigs, it"s kind of nice:
I love the buckled shoe, though:
1736
01:38:44,089 --> 01:38:46,365
It"s, you know, part pimp, part pilgrim:
1737
01:38:46,850 --> 01:38:50,002
You can either get off the Mayflower
or have four girls in a Cadillac:
1738
01:38:50,091 --> 01:38:52,560
- They love him: That"s nice:
- Yeah, it"s working like a charm:
1739
01:38:52,652 --> 01:38:55,326
L"m thinking, and this is just out loud,
1740
01:38:56,773 --> 01:39:00,245
that I should go with some Manolo Blanco,
just to give you that little: : :
1741
01:39:00,335 --> 01:39:02,724
- Lift your ass:
- Lift: : : Lift the ass:
1742
01:39:03,656 --> 01:39:06,376
Next time, I want to go stilettos,
something crazy:
1743
01:39:06,457 --> 01:39:07,606
NEWSCASTER: Manolo:
1744
01:39:07,697 --> 01:39:10,770
Now, l"m pleased that the FBI
cleared up any suspicion
1745
01:39:10,858 --> 01:39:12,850
that you knew Eleanor Green
before the election:
1746
01:39:12,939 --> 01:39:14,258
- Not at all: No:
- Good:
1747
01:39:14,339 --> 01:39:16,774
So, I guess that absolves you
of any kind of conspiratorial thing,
1748
01:39:16,860 --> 01:39:18,260
- that you fixed the election:
- Right:
1749
01:39:18,341 --> 01:39:20,776
So, what do you make
of this woman"s obsession with you?
1750
01:39:20,862 --> 01:39:23,330
Well, Tina, I have just one question for you:
1751
01:39:23,422 --> 01:39:25,891
Is this a face that a woman
would be obsessed with?
1752
01:39:25,983 --> 01:39:28,703
- Well: : :
- Well, by your pause, I understand:
1753
01:39:29,585 --> 01:39:33,864
Because I think, you know, a woman could
be obsessed with a movie star like Brad Pitt,
1754
01:39:33,946 --> 01:39:37,826
hello, and you could say, Angelina:
I could be obsessed with Angelina:
1755
01:39:37,907 --> 01:39:41,059
I just want to wet her lips
and just stick her to something:
1756
01:39:41,429 --> 01:39:44,502
And also you could say obsessed
with rock and roll stars, you know:
1757
01:39:44,590 --> 01:39:46,546
It"s like women rushing the stage, fainting:
1758
01:39:46,630 --> 01:39:48,189
It was for Elvis, for the Beatles,
1759
01:39:48,271 --> 01:39:50,991
for Mick Jagger, just to say,
"This is your baby:"
1760
01:39:51,352 --> 01:39:53,548
But women don"t rush
the stage for comedians:
1761
01:39:53,633 --> 01:39:55,032
I mean, they basically: : :
1762
01:39:55,113 --> 01:39:56,945
If they throw their panties
on the stage for me,
1763
01:39:57,034 --> 01:40:00,471
it"s because they want them fluffed
and folded and back by Friday:
1764
01:40:02,796 --> 01:40:06,710
I threw my underpants
at Britney Spears once, but: : :
1765
01:40:06,797 --> 01:40:08,834
"Cause I thought she needed a pair:
1766
01:40:09,718 --> 01:40:11,072
God bless:
1767
01:40:12,679 --> 01:40:16,468
I thought you were gonna say you threw
it at Paris Hilton and they stuck:
1768
01:40:16,921 --> 01:40:18,354
That"s a good re-write:
1769
01:40:18,441 --> 01:40:22,071
"Good night, good luck:" That"s from
our new book, One Night in Paris:
1770
01:40:23,203 --> 01:40:25,478
But I mean, for me, I have to think,
here"s the basic thing:
1771
01:40:25,563 --> 01:40:29,035
I mean, how plausible is it
that a woman would fix an election
1772
01:40:29,125 --> 01:40:32,243
because she"s obsessed with me?
I mean, where"s the hanging chad?
1773
01:40:32,326 --> 01:40:34,203
Where"s the governor of the state
being your brother?
1774
01:40:34,286 --> 01:40:37,120
Where"s the Supreme Court ruling
against the voter? Come on:
1775
01:40:37,207 --> 01:40:39,483
Where"s the conspiracy in that?
None, really:
1776
01:40:39,568 --> 01:40:41,480
And here"s the real question
you"re asked to ask:
1777
01:40:41,569 --> 01:40:44,767
Lt"s like, if that"s not why,
what is the real answer?
1778
01:40:49,932 --> 01:40:52,367
What is the real answer?
1779
01:40:52,453 --> 01:40:54,011
Thank you for picking that one up:
1780
01:40:54,093 --> 01:40:55,812
Where"s he going with this?
1781
01:40:56,774 --> 01:41:00,484
The bottom line is Eleanor Green
came to me and told me
1782
01:41:00,655 --> 01:41:04,650
that there was a computer glitch
in the Delacroy computer voting systems:
1783
01:41:05,257 --> 01:41:08,455
She warned the chief executive of Delacroy,
James Hemmings,
1784
01:41:08,538 --> 01:41:11,372
but they decided
to cover it up for economic reasons:
1785
01:41:11,779 --> 01:41:14,374
Lt"s not good for the stock offering, really:
1786
01:41:15,580 --> 01:41:19,655
The truth is, l"m not the elected
President of the United States:
1787
01:41:21,142 --> 01:41:25,899
Bottom line is it was a computer error:
Not fraud, but a faulty programme:
1788
01:41:26,544 --> 01:41:28,342
HAL decided it liked me:
1789
01:41:31,586 --> 01:41:34,659
Today I was in the Oval Office
on a preparatory meeting
1790
01:41:34,747 --> 01:41:37,581
and I sat behind the President"s desk
and I had a reality check:
1791
01:41:37,668 --> 01:41:39,181
It kind of overwhelmed me: l: : :
1792
01:41:39,268 --> 01:41:41,863
I sat there and went,
"Wait a minute, l"m a jester:"
1793
01:41:41,949 --> 01:41:45,306
A jester doesn"t rule the kingdom:
He makes fun of the king:
1794
01:41:46,231 --> 01:41:48,700
And for a brief moment,
I thought, you know,
1795
01:41:48,792 --> 01:41:51,147
I could be
the President of the United States:
1796
01:41:51,232 --> 01:41:55,022
I thought I was President of
the United States till Eleanor talked to me:
1797
01:41:58,875 --> 01:42:02,266
Lt"s: : : I know it"s: : :
We"re not on book anymore
1798
01:42:02,356 --> 01:42:04,348
and the cue-card guy is going: : :
1799
01:42:04,597 --> 01:42:07,431
No, we just usually do fake news and jokes:
1800
01:42:07,518 --> 01:42:10,113
We don"t usually have real news
1801
01:42:10,199 --> 01:42:12,760
and non-jokes:
1802
01:42:13,720 --> 01:42:15,153
So watch out, Oprah,
1803
01:42:16,641 --> 01:42:18,598
"cause we gonna go real, girl:
1804
01:42:19,842 --> 01:42:22,562
But here"s the deal, a lot of you voted
for me or at least some of you:
1805
01:42:22,643 --> 01:42:24,874
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah:
- Yeah, thank you:
1806
01:42:25,124 --> 01:42:26,637
(APPLAUSE)
1807
01:42:27,605 --> 01:42:31,155
And I know you voted for me because
you were fed up with the status quo,
1808
01:42:31,246 --> 01:42:33,397
but you were voting for change
for the sake of change:
1809
01:42:33,487 --> 01:42:36,878
And, you know, listen, you could vote
for someone better than me:
1810
01:42:36,968 --> 01:42:38,083
You can do a lot better than me:
1811
01:42:38,168 --> 01:42:41,445
You can do a lot better than most
of the politicians you"ve elected recently:
1812
01:42:41,529 --> 01:42:44,363
And definitely,
don"t put your faith in a machine
1813
01:42:44,450 --> 01:42:47,124
that has less controls
than a Vegas slot machine:
1814
01:42:47,852 --> 01:42:49,843
So you don"t want to be a part
of the re-election?
1815
01:42:49,932 --> 01:42:53,403
Oh, no, no, please, no, no, no, no:
That"s not a stage I belong on:
1816
01:42:53,774 --> 01:42:58,053
This is where I belong, with folks like
you, finding the "funk" in "dysfunctional:"
1817
01:42:58,215 --> 01:43:01,014
Mark Twain said, "Irreverence
is basically the champion of liberty,
1818
01:43:01,096 --> 01:43:02,085
"if not its only defender:"
1819
01:43:02,176 --> 01:43:05,169
That"s what we"re there: : :
We"re there to kind of shake it up
1820
01:43:05,257 --> 01:43:06,452
and that"s what we got to do:
1821
01:43:06,538 --> 01:43:09,975
How many of you think
the educational system is working?
1822
01:43:11,179 --> 01:43:12,613
One girl: Thank you:
1823
01:43:13,620 --> 01:43:15,134
"I learned to read:"
1824
01:43:16,901 --> 01:43:19,211
Do you realise that 40%
of American high school graduates
1825
01:43:19,302 --> 01:43:22,295
think that Joan of Arc was Noah"s wife?
1826
01:43:22,703 --> 01:43:27,335
So, Tom Dobbs walked away from being
the President of the United States:
1827
01:43:27,425 --> 01:43:29,144
Okay, so he wasn"t really elected,
1828
01:43:29,226 --> 01:43:32,537
but if he hadn"t told anyone: : :
1829
01:43:32,627 --> 01:43:34,345
We going to send
some shout-out right now!
1830
01:43:34,427 --> 01:43:38,138
MENKEN: Shortly thereafter, Tom Dobbs
went back to his political comedy show:
1831
01:43:38,229 --> 01:43:40,618
L"m gonna get on the desk like
Tom Cruise, going, "I love her!"
1832
01:43:40,709 --> 01:43:42,109
He was bigger than ever:
1833
01:43:53,114 --> 01:43:57,108
Everyone"s gonna be writing about
how honest you are, how straightforward:
1834
01:43:57,355 --> 01:44:01,190
I just hope your honesty doesn"t
undercut your irreverence:
1835
01:44:01,276 --> 01:44:04,953
I want to do a show about gay farmers
and call it Crop Suckers: Is that offensive?
1836
01:44:05,038 --> 01:44:06,232
Not to me:
1837
01:44:11,120 --> 01:44:12,633
Nothing but the best!
1838
01:44:24,964 --> 01:44:26,159
ELEANOR: Yeah?
1839
01:44:31,847 --> 01:44:33,599
- Hey:
- Hi:
1840
01:44:35,208 --> 01:44:36,527
Like some company?
1841
01:44:38,089 --> 01:44:39,761
I left the nightlight on:
1842
01:44:41,290 --> 01:44:43,202
MENKEN: Eleanor became his producer,
1843
01:44:43,651 --> 01:44:45,403
and close companion,
1844
01:44:46,092 --> 01:44:47,889
lover: Later his wife:
1845
01:44:48,452 --> 01:44:52,447
The two Delacroy executives
were arrested and later convicted,
1846
01:44:52,534 --> 01:44:56,687
because Eleanor"s theories
on the computer glitch proved to be correct:
1847
01:44:56,775 --> 01:44:59,051
For those of you who are actually
thinking of getting breast implants,
1848
01:44:59,136 --> 01:45:00,889
I have something new I want you to try:
1849
01:45:00,977 --> 01:45:03,731
A lot of people: : : They get the large ones:
Those are lovely:
1850
01:45:03,818 --> 01:45:07,209
Do something new for your boyfriend:
Put in a little squeak toy:
1851
01:45:08,339 --> 01:45:12,094
I think that"s about the same:
We"re pretty easily amused: We"ll be: : :
1852
01:45:12,981 --> 01:45:15,894
You realise that"s what it is for us?
We"re like cats:
1853
01:45:17,822 --> 01:45:19,575
Also, remember the best birth control,
1854
01:45:19,663 --> 01:45:23,100
ladies, the best birth control
and the cheapest is simply this: : :
1855
01:45:25,105 --> 01:45:29,224
MENKEN: As for President Kellogg,
he won against Mills in re-election,
1856
01:45:29,306 --> 01:45:32,424
and in his second term was better
than any of us would have expected:
1857
01:45:32,507 --> 01:45:34,146
Not great, but better:
1858
01:45:34,348 --> 01:45:37,659
Maybe Tom Dobbs had something to do
with it: Who knows?
1859
01:45:37,749 --> 01:45:39,866
But I like to think
1860
01:45:40,830 --> 01:45:42,389
that one thing does lead to another:
1861
01:45:42,471 --> 01:45:44,507
Remember this, ladies and gentlemen:
1862
01:45:44,591 --> 01:45:47,345
Lt"s an old phrase, basically anonymous,
1863
01:45:47,912 --> 01:45:49,869
but politicians are a lot like diapers:
1864
01:45:49,953 --> 01:45:52,422
They should be changed frequently
and for the same reason:
1865
01:45:52,514 --> 01:45:55,188
Keep that in mind next time you vote:
Good night: