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(MUSIC PLAYING)
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NARRATOR: Ah, Mother's Day.
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Paige, come on, honey,
you have to go to school.
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I love being a mother.
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But what about the other
364 days of the year?
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When you're trying to
get your kid to school
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and you're surviving
on very little sleep
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because you're up all night sewing
costumes for the school play
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and you've still got to go
to work in the morning.
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Go.
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It's about
the never-ending driving
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to soccer,
gymnastics, or ballet.
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(DOG BARKING)
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It's about getting your kids
to look up from their computer
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or iPad or iPod or iPhone or
whatever "I" they're looking at.
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Paige, wait, honey,
your banana, hold on, hold on!
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It's okay, honey,
just eat the peach.
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Eat the peach, it's fine.
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In other words,
it's about being a...
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MIKEY: Mom! Mom!
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Mom!
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(PANTING)
Peter...
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Wait, wait, wait... (SHUSHING)
breathe, slow down, slow down,
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breathe, hold on.
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There you go. See?
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Now tell me what happened.
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Peter left the top
of the ant farm open.
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All the ants are gone,
even the big red one.
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Oh, why?
Why did I buy this for you guys?
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I swear, I don't...
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Hey, hey, hey, Peter,
where did that come from?
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You know no junk food
for breakfast anymore.
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Dad brought them.
He lets us.
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(SCOFFS) He also lets you go to
school without any underwear.
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It's called
free-balling, Mom.
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I swear.
Where are all of these ants?
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It happened in the backyard.
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God. Peter, I'm not kidding.
I'm counting to three.
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One, two...
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Three.
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What?
When did that stop working?
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Come on,
I brought a box of donuts.
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It's not a federal offense,
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but I will take credit
for the underwear.
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Good morning.
Hello.
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Did you look this good
when we were married?
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No, I actually got better.
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When did you get in here?
I didn't even hear you come in.
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Came in through
the back door.
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I mean, we don't want the neighbors
talking, do we? (CLICKS TONGUE)
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Hmm. Are you hungry?
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Mmm.
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Here, have a donut.
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Your parents are divorced,
right?
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Oh, trust me,
there's weirdness.
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So, Peter, you decided
to invite your friends over
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at 7:45 in the morning?
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Hi.
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We're meeting here
for the carpool today.
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And the donuts.
HENRY: At my request.
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All right, you little hooligans,
let's go, time for school.
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Load up.
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Please, you cannot bring this
stuff into the house anymore.
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Yeah, but, uh, seriously,
could we have a conversation later?
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There's something important
I need to talk to you about.
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Sure, okay.
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Okay.
(PHONE RINGING)
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Telephone.
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Hey, Jess.
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I ate a whole
coffee cake last night.
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Pilates?
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No, I can't.
I have way too much work.
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But I've got to tell you,
the strangest thing just happened.
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What?
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I think I just caught Henry
totally checking me out,
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like twice.
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Was it like a long stare
or a gawk?
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Jesse, you've got to see this!
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I'm going to say like a gawk.
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What does that mean?
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I have no idea, but he said he
wants to sit down with me later
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and talk about
something important.
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What if he wants to
get back together?
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What? No. No way.
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(WHISPERS)
I'm coming, I'm coming.
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That is so not happening.
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Why not?
Jesse.
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You are the happiest
divorced couple I've ever met.
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I mean, maybe he's
figured you're the one.
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Max, get ready,
my sister's coming.
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No, no, no, no, no, no,
there's no way.
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That's not going to...
It's been years, it's all fine and...
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You don't really...
Really, you think it might be?
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Do you think?
Here's what I'm wondering.
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If you guys get remarried,
does it mean the ring has to be bigger?
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I'm saying yes.
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Okay, you just keep
thinking all of those
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wonderfully deep
thoughts, okay?
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I'll talk to you later.
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(CHUCKLES) Okay.
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Presenting our float
for the Mother's Day parade.
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ALL: Oh!
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(SCREAMING EXCITEDLY)
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(GRUNTING)
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Wow!
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Do you love it?
What is it?
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Womb. It's a womb.
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Of course.
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It's a womb float.
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Amazing. And so,
the tube?
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The umbilical cord.
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It's symbolic that we all
come from the same place,
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gay, straight, transgender,
black, white, purple, you know.
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Awesome.
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(CHUCKLES)
I love it.
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You're going to kill it
at the Mother's Day parade.
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Seriously, they're not going
to know what to do with it.
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You haven't seen
the best part.
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Oh, look at that!
I delivered a child for the second time.
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Wow! It's a boy.
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You've lost your mind.
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(BOTH LAUGHING)
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I'm going to go work out.
I'll be right over here.
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You good?
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All good, Val.
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Hey, Zack.
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Another week,
you won't need the tray.
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Another week, and you and
Kristin will be doing my shift.
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Hey, Val.
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Hey, Kristin. Hey.
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Hi, Daddy!
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Ooh.
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No, no, no, we sanitize.
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I literally just
washed my hands.
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Doesn't matter.
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I could always
wear a hazmat suit.
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(GASPS) I'd love that.
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The baby books call that
being a helicopter mom.
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You know, always hovering.
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Yeah, I've been
called them all,
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and it doesn't
faze me one bit.
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Milk bottles for tonight.
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Can you put those in the
fridge for me, please?
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Um, that may not work.
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I just found out...
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Hey, Zack,
can I get two more?
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Yep, on the way. Beanzie?
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I got accepted into the Buckhead
Standup Comedy Contest.
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First round's tonight,
three rounds,
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first prize is 5 grand.
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Babe, that would take my overall
earnings as a comic to,
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well, 5 grand.
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Just getting accepted into
the contest is a big deal.
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Yeah, of course,
I will figure something out with Katie.
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Don't worry.
Just go make 'em laugh.
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BOSS: I'm not paying you
to reproduce again.
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Sorry, boss.
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But don't mind me,
I'm just the owner.
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(CHUCKLES)
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RACHEL: Vicky,
don't kick the ball in here.
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Okay, okay.
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Thank you.
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Can't believe it's
already been a year.
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This will be our
first one without her.
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I miss her.
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Me, too.
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(CELL PHONE RINGING)
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Who's that?
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Just a friend,
wondering if I'll be
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at the mall
today after school.
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I've got to answer him.
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Is this "him" your,
uh, boyfriend?
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Dad, stop. Please.
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What?
Oh, my God.
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Seems like
a reasonable question
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for a father to
ask his daughter.
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Hey, Vicky,
you know, we should go.
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We're going to be
late for school,
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and you, don't be late
for soccer practice this time.
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I won't.
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Mom was never
late for practice.
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No, she wasn't.
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Can I drive?
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Absolutely not.
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No, look, we're all going to end
up in a place like this someday.
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All right?
I don't want to rush it.
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(CHUCKLES)
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What?
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That was just like
the old Dad, making jokes.
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Yeah, I guess.
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So, listen, Dad.
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After I get my license,
could I maybe, you know,
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drive Mom's Volkswagen?
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No, no, no, I'm going to sell it.
I told you that.
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Come on, Dad.
Pretty please?
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It's literally just
sitting in the garage.
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Absolutely not.
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Well, thanks for
thinking that over. Great.
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I'm Adam Freeman.
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Thanks for joining me here
on HSN from our headquarters
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in St. Petersburg, Florida.
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Right now, I would like to send
it over to Atlanta, Georgia,
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where the very lovely Miranda
Collins is on her book tour.
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Hello, Adam.
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00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:05,709
Hello, Atlanta.
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00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:07,199
Hello, viewers.
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00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:09,794
So, Mother's Day
is getting so close,
208
00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:13,953
and we have these gorgeous
crystal mood pendants.
209
00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:15,993
It is the perfect
gift for Mom.
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00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:19,231
These genuine quartz
crystal mood pendants
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00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:21,470
change color with your mood.
212
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:23,471
Now, wouldn't it
be nice to know
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00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:26,996
if your mom is
happy or sad or mad?
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00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:28,229
(LAUGHS)
(BELL DINGS)
215
00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:31,000
Oh, we have just sold
our 800th pendant!
216
00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:32,115
Bingo!
217
00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:38,149
Oh, God, I know that look.
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00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:39,754
You hate the float.
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00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:42,479
No, it's not the float.
220
00:09:43,680 --> 00:09:45,193
It's just all this
Mother's Day stuff
221
00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:47,296
and I start thinking about
how I haven't talked to Mom.
222
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:51,359
I don't even remember what our
stupid argument was about.
223
00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:52,793
Oh, let me
refresh your memory.
224
00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:54,416
She saw a picture of you
and Russell on Facebook,
225
00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:57,113
and even though he's a doctor,
she threatened to disown you
226
00:09:57,240 --> 00:10:00,198
if you continue to date a man whose
skin was darker than a Frappuccino.
227
00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:02,191
Okay, I get it.
228
00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:06,159
Look, you can always call her,
229
00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:09,073
not that I understand why you
would want to, or Skype.
230
00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:10,593
She's into that now.
231
00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:12,591
Our parents have the Internet?
232
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:14,591
How do they do that
with a rotary phone?
233
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:17,148
Hmm. Fancier trailer park?
234
00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:20,393
Well, when are you planning on
telling them about you and Max?
235
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:22,040
Never.
236
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,736
I'm engaged to an investment
banker named Steven.
237
00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:24,920
We have not set the date yet.
238
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:26,336
He has low sperm count
and I'm in therapy.
239
00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:27,360
That's my story.
240
00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:31,558
Maybe if you tell them about you two
first, it'll soften the blow for me.
241
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:35,157
Don't even try to piggyback
your secret on my secret.
242
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:37,595
Besides, she's in Texas.
We're fine.
243
00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:39,518
Yeah, we're fine,
244
00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:43,150
just motherless
this time of year.
245
00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:45,276
There's a reason we
moved here to Georgia.
246
00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:46,793
She ruins everything,
remember?
247
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:49,394
I mean, at least
everything we let her.
248
00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,830
I just feel like
we don't have family.
249
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:53,075
(CHUCKLES)
250
00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:56,118
I'm your sister.
I live next door to you.
251
00:10:57,080 --> 00:10:58,832
Thank you very much.
252
00:11:04,680 --> 00:11:05,749
Thanks.
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00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:06,989
Little hot, careful.
254
00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:09,120
Mmm.
255
00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:11,153
It's really hot.
256
00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:13,440
(SIGHS)
257
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:18,112
What did you
want to talk about?
258
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:20,760
Sounded so important.
259
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:24,353
(LAUGHS) Uh...
260
00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:28,517
Oh, my God, what is it?
261
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:29,919
I, uh...
262
00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:33,520
I, um...
263
00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:35,793
I got married.
264
00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:39,114
Eloped, actually.
265
00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:42,393
Very impulsive.
266
00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:46,028
You got married?
267
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:47,269
Yeah.
268
00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:50,676
You got... To who?
269
00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:52,279
To Tina.
270
00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:53,909
To Tina?
271
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:55,315
Yeah, to Tina.
272
00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:57,480
To Tina?
273
00:11:57,920 --> 00:11:58,920
Stop saying, "To Tina."
274
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:04,028
(STUTTERING) I'm sorry,
I'm so confused right now.
275
00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:06,714
I mean, I thought
you guys broke up so long ago.
276
00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:07,800
We did.
277
00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:09,673
But then there
was that stripper.
278
00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:11,639
Dancer, yeah.
279
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:12,829
Stripper.
280
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:17,238
And then, Tina and I
got back together.
281
00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:19,079
How does this...
282
00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:20,639
Wow. You got back together.
283
00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:24,319
She's the one.
284
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:27,280
Ah.
285
00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:29,920
Well, let's say the next one.
286
00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:31,835
Right.
287
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:36,070
You know, I've always respected
the agreement we've had
288
00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:37,798
to keep our
love lives separate
289
00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:39,950
until they become permanent,
290
00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:42,679
which now it has.
291
00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:48,433
Okay, so,
when do we tell the boys?
292
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:52,476
Oh, I already told them
on the way to school.
293
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:54,756
What? You already told them?
294
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:55,955
Yeah.
295
00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:59,637
On the way to school,
with those other children in the car?
296
00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:02,917
No, I waited till
those kids got out.
297
00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:04,638
Oh, you did, good.
That's good.
298
00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:08,673
So, that was a really nice,
well-thought-out moment for you guys.
299
00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:10,876
That's nice.
Thanks for waiting for me.
300
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:13,231
They were excited.
301
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,557
They know her.
They really like her.
302
00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:17,475
Okay.
303
00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:22,556
(SIGHS) Well...
304
00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:27,952
Oh, gosh, I have to, um...
305
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:30,156
I have to meet
Jess at Pilates.
306
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:31,639
Sorry, I don't mean to...
307
00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:33,119
No, no, no.
308
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:35,696
I wanted to make sure
you heard it from me first.
309
00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:37,233
Yes, I know, I know.
310
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:39,228
Okay, well, um...
311
00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:41,240
Uh...
312
00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:43,598
I'm happy for you.
313
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:45,359
Thank you.
314
00:13:56,640 --> 00:13:58,835
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
315
00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:07,748
Hi, Bradley. Are you going to
join us on the poles today?
316
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:09,910
Uh, not today,
Beth Anne, no.
317
00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:12,274
Sisters.
318
00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:22,718
We want to talk to you.
Go, Jody.
319
00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:25,872
Bradley, there's this new mom at
school we want to set you up with.
320
00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:27,040
She's recently divorced.
321
00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:28,120
Not too recent.
322
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:31,112
With one of those annoyingly
perfect lives-at-the-gym bodies.
323
00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:32,514
But with boobs, big boobs.
324
00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:33,640
I mean big boobs.
325
00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:35,073
Look, ladies,
I really appreciate
326
00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:36,878
you looking out
for me like this,
327
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,349
but I just don't think
I'm ready quite yet, you know?
328
00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:41,640
But when I am, I will definitely
come talk to you guys.
329
00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:43,159
It'd be dumb not to.
330
00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:45,232
What are your plans
for Mother's Day?
331
00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:46,800
Oh, um...
332
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:50,753
No plans.
We're not celebrating.
333
00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:53,918
I've been thinking about this
long and hard and believe me,
334
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:55,718
I think what's
best for the girls
335
00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:57,552
is to just skip
the day altogether.
336
00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:01,474
You know, just treat it like a normal
Sunday, nothing special. You know?
337
00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:03,630
What do you guys
think about that?
338
00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:06,829
Absolutely not. No.
Major mistake, Bradley.
339
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:09,634
Dana would not like that.
Think about the kids.
340
00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:12,000
You guys, look!
It's Miranda! (GASPS)
341
00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:13,416
Am I really on with
the Miranda Collins?
342
00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:16,318
Am I really on with
the Edith from Waukesha?
343
00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:17,469
Go ahead, Edith.
344
00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:20,160
EDITH: Could I see the
bracelet a bit closer, please?
345
00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:23,388
My pleasure.
346
00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:27,592
How's that, Edith?
347
00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:30,399
EDITH: Ooh, that's lovely.
I'll take two.
348
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:33,353
And it won't cost you an arm and a leg.
(STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGH)
349
00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:36,039
BRADLEY: Perfect. Good.
350
00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:37,593
Nice crisp passes, guys!
351
00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:40,433
My mom said your mom was
lieutenant in the Marines
352
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:42,112
and your dad
was a Marine, too?
353
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:43,952
Yeah, he was
a master sergeant.
354
00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:45,520
BRADLEY: Come on,
we've got to hustle.
355
00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:46,834
He sure knows
how to yell.
356
00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:49,016
Kick it to where they're going to be,
not where they are
357
00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:51,376
because they'll be gone from
there by the time it gets there!
358
00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:53,118
Leaner, come on, Rach.
359
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:54,633
Case in point!
360
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:56,592
Rachel, you've got
to hustle. Come on.
361
00:15:56,680 --> 00:15:57,795
VICKY: Hey!
362
00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:00,030
Thank you, Vicky.
Thank you for your help.
363
00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:01,553
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
(WHISTLING)
364
00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:04,029
Hey, Evelyn,
what are you doing?
365
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:06,156
Are you texting?
Are you?
366
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:08,510
Yeah, there's no
texting in soccer, okay?
367
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:11,433
I mean, there's running
and jumping, eye contact,
368
00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:12,794
laughing, there's even crying.
369
00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:13,915
There's no texting.
370
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:15,513
Please, put that away,
all right?
371
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:17,033
Hey, hey, hey!
372
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:19,520
(CHUCKLES)
373
00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:21,068
What?
374
00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:22,718
Thomas is
watching you.
375
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:26,954
Yeah, watching me
screw up, thank you.
376
00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:30,193
BRADLEY: Back to soccer!
377
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:34,512
I guess that's
Tommy there, all right.
378
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:36,758
Let's go!
(WHISTLES)
379
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:39,000
(ALL CHUCKLING) All right, go, let's go!
Come on!
380
00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:41,114
GIRL: Here we go.
381
00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:42,315
Nice!
382
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,789
VICKY: Rachel's open!
BRADLEY: Chase it down, that's it.
383
00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:47,634
Hey, goal!
(ALL CHEERING)
384
00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:48,948
Nicely done.
385
00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:52,271
Evelyn, please text my daughter,
"Good job." Thank you.
386
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,030
GABI: She is online.
You ready?
387
00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:56,792
Yeah, I'm ready.
Oh.
388
00:16:57,440 --> 00:16:59,158
Take that down.
389
00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:00,673
(CHIMES)
390
00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:04,268
Hey, Ma, it's Gabi.
391
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:06,592
FLO: Can you read me?
392
00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:09,431
GABI: Not a walkie-talkie,
Mom.
393
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:12,674
I thought this Escape thing is
supposed to let me see people.
394
00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:13,835
I don't see diddly.
395
00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:16,878
It's "Skype, " not "Escape."
Now just press "start video."
396
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:17,995
FLO: I did.
397
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:20,355
GABI: Try again.
Click the picture of the video camera.
398
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:21,873
FLO: Well, I don't have
one of them.
399
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:23,154
GABI: Yes, you do, Mom.
400
00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:25,754
FLO: No, I do not have
a damn picture of a video...
401
00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:28,676
Okay, I did.
GABI: Hi.
402
00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:30,716
Oh, you got the crystal.
I sent it early.
403
00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:32,800
Didn't want to risk it being
late for Mother's Day.
404
00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:34,776
(MUTTERING) I know I'd never
hear the end of that.
405
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:36,074
Oh, I love it.
406
00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:39,198
I'm not so sure about this
color-changing mumbo jumbo.
407
00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:43,193
Oh, and I love that TV
shopping host, Miranda.
408
00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:45,111
Do you know anybody
who knows her?
409
00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:46,997
She's in a hotel in Atlanta.
410
00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:49,632
Uh, no, I don't.
411
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:52,553
But, um, there's someone
here who knows you.
412
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:55,760
(MOUTHING) I can't do it.
(SNAPS FINGERS)
413
00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:57,456
(MOUTHING) You don't have to do it.
Where did she go?
414
00:17:57,480 --> 00:17:59,072
All I see is bricks.
415
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:00,718
Hello?
(SNAPS FINGERS)
416
00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:02,631
Hello?
Uh...
417
00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:05,311
Hi, Mom.
418
00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:07,040
Oh.
419
00:18:07,360 --> 00:18:08,509
Do I know you?
420
00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:10,878
It's nice to see you, too.
421
00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:13,918
Finally calling to apologize
after all this time.
422
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:16,077
Nope, just calling to call.
423
00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:19,072
Gabi told me you're not dating
that Indian fellow anymore.
424
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:20,599
Finally came to your senses.
425
00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:23,632
But I'm not going to rub your face
in it and say, "I told you so,"
426
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:25,472
but I told you so.
427
00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:27,073
Okay. Where's Dad?
428
00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:30,990
He's having lunch.
(CHOMPING)
429
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:32,713
Hi, Dad!
430
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:34,791
Oh!
(CHUCKLES)
431
00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:38,429
There's my little girl,
on the TV.
432
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:41,709
I'm glad to see you
talking with your mama.
433
00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:43,871
'Bout time you apologized.
434
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:45,234
Well, you're
looking good, Dad.
435
00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:46,713
No, he thinks so.
436
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:50,470
Oh, I have to say, Jess,
you haven't aged that much.
437
00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:51,560
Thank you.
438
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:53,016
How come you can't
find a successful man
439
00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:54,996
like your sister did,
that Steven fellow?
440
00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:57,640
I mean, believe me,
I love Gabi,
441
00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,950
but she looks way too
much like your father
442
00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:02,031
to be the one to
catch a man first.
443
00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:03,755
(SOFTLY) Thanks, Mom.
444
00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:08,637
Well, I called to say hi
445
00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:10,472
and I also called to tell you
446
00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:15,588
that no matter what's happened between us,
you're always my mother.
447
00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:21,190
So, I wanted
to tell you about...
448
00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:25,272
What?
(DOOR CLOSES)
449
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:27,908
Hey, look, it's Mommy
and Aunt Gabi.
450
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:28,910
I've got to go.
I've got to go.
451
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:30,096
You want to tell me
about what?
452
00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:32,554
Hi, you wanna see her?
JESSE: Hi, guys. Hi.
453
00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:34,193
And she's gone.
454
00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:36,589
Well, at least
she called you.
455
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:38,548
Maybe she got a date.
456
00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:40,551
Hi, sweetie.
Hey, bubs.
457
00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:41,736
RUSSELL: Who were you
talking to?
458
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:42,760
Snapchatting.
459
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:44,358
Oh, what are you, 12?
460
00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:45,919
No, it's fun.
461
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:49,634
SANDY: This is so
exciting, you guys!
462
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:54,956
Your first sleepover with
Dad and his new person.
463
00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:56,993
What do you want
us to call her?
464
00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:58,832
Do you want us to
call her "Mom," too?
465
00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:00,478
No, absolutely not.
466
00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:02,790
You just call her
what comes naturally,
467
00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:05,115
but I would say
"ma'am" is good.
468
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:09,119
Hey!
469
00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:10,714
What's up, boys?
470
00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:11,949
Hey, Henry.
Yeah?
471
00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:13,040
Hi, Sandy.
472
00:20:13,120 --> 00:20:14,269
Hi, Tina.
473
00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:15,475
Hi, boys.
474
00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:17,472
Hi.
Wow!
475
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:19,631
Oh, gosh,
congratulations.
476
00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:22,151
Thank you.
Isn't it so exciting?
477
00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:24,032
It's thrilling.
478
00:20:24,120 --> 00:20:26,156
I thought you'd
moved back to LA.
479
00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:27,240
Yeah, just
for a minute.
480
00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:28,548
Ah. People said
I should model.
481
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:30,312
Yeah.
482
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:32,556
But somebody convinced me
to move back here.
483
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:33,675
(CHUCKLES)
484
00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:35,398
Boys, I made cookies.
485
00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:38,631
For Peter, guitars,
and for Mikey, baseballs.
486
00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:40,512
Thanks.
Oh. Thanks, Tina.
487
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:41,749
These are great.
488
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:43,193
Yeah, come on inside.
489
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:44,793
Okay, bye, guys.
490
00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:46,176
Have fun.
PETER: See you tomorrow.
491
00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:47,713
Bye, Sandy.
Oh, um...
492
00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:49,796
Tweet at me if you want to
check in or anything,
493
00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:51,279
or check my Instagram.
494
00:20:51,360 --> 00:20:53,136
I'll post some photos
when I get some cute ones.
495
00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:55,310
Yeah, that's exciting.
Okay.
496
00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:00,351
(SOFTLY) "Tweet at me."
497
00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:05,909
She just... Did she just
say, "Tweet at me"? Did she?
498
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:07,296
I think she just said,
"Tweet me."
499
00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:08,992
I didn't hear that.
Oh, Henry.
500
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:11,271
Oh, come on.
I knew she was younger, but...
501
00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:12,634
She's almost 30.
502
00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:15,069
(SCOFFS) "She's almost 30"?
In a few years.
503
00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:16,309
My God.
504
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,072
And what is she wearing?
505
00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:19,759
Uh...
506
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:21,592
What do you
want me to do?
507
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:23,398
Ask her to dress
more dowdy?
508
00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:27,519
No, just tell her to dress,
put on a pair of pants.
509
00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:29,795
That's not appropriate
for those kids.
510
00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:31,438
You can see
everything's popping out.
511
00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:33,112
Speaking of the kids.
What?
512
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:34,269
Mother's Day.
513
00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:36,271
What about Mother's Day?
514
00:21:36,360 --> 00:21:40,273
I was wondering if we could
take the kids for half the day
515
00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:42,436
since Tina is
now technically...
516
00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:43,669
Oh, stop.
517
00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:46,593
No, no, no,
don't even say it, no.
518
00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:48,238
You know what I mean.
No, no, no, no.
519
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:49,719
You got married
five seconds ago.
520
00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:52,109
Can you just... Can we just
slow this down a little bit?
521
00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:53,428
You're angry.
It's all right.
522
00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:55,715
Well, at least consider
it for the boys' sake.
523
00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:57,472
I just did.
Okay.
524
00:21:57,560 --> 00:21:58,560
(STUTTERS) You can...
525
00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:01,837
She can have Flag Day,
Groundhog Day,
526
00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:03,911
any of those days,
Father's Day.
527
00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:06,192
Well, I was just asking.
528
00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:07,759
Yeah, I know,
and you did.
529
00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:09,159
Unbelievable.
530
00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:10,880
(DOOR CLOSES)
531
00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:20,317
I'm sorry to interrupt
your spa,
532
00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:24,069
but Miranda's agent, Lance Wallace,
wants to see you right away.
533
00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:26,872
Lance, I'm here.
I'm here. Okay, okay.
534
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:28,837
Miranda okays
the book-signing poster,
535
00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:30,751
and the essay
winners are ready.
536
00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:33,080
All right, now she wants to
know some interior designers.
537
00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:34,599
She hates the look
of the show.
538
00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:37,558
Well, we've gotten a few
requests from some designers.
539
00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:38,800
But this one
I liked the best.
540
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:41,149
Her name is Sandy Newhouse.
All right, why?
541
00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:42,514
She lives in Atlanta.
542
00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:45,068
She's designed living rooms,
upscale restaurants,
543
00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:46,280
and a five-star hotel lobby.
544
00:22:46,360 --> 00:22:48,316
All right, well,
she looks smiley and happy.
545
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,280
Make sure she meets Miranda
before we check out.
546
00:22:50,360 --> 00:22:52,032
Okay, and make-up...
Goal!
547
00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:53,792
Hey, hey, hey!
(WHISTLES)
548
00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:55,359
Hey, wait a minute.
Hey!
549
00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:56,959
Hey there, Messi!
550
00:22:57,040 --> 00:22:58,837
This is not a stadium,
it's a lobby!
551
00:22:58,920 --> 00:22:59,920
No, no, no.
A lobby.
552
00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:02,520
These are the kids of the
big shot HSN executive.
553
00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:04,272
We're entertaining
them this week.
554
00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:06,312
Hey, mister,
can I have my ball back?
555
00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:09,558
There we go.
All right! Soccer rules!
556
00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:10,816
LANCE: (CHUCKLES)
Soccer rules!
557
00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:12,536
Are they gonna be with us all week,
those kids?
558
00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:13,913
Yes, they are.
559
00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:15,160
(MUSIC PLAYING)
560
00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:20,516
(SINGING)
Doin' it all for my baby
561
00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:25,038
'Cause he's as
fine as he can be
562
00:23:25,120 --> 00:23:26,712
(WHISPERING)
Not him, it's you.
563
00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:28,239
RACHEL: Dad, dinner's ready.
564
00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:31,437
Doin' it all for my baby
565
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:35,197
For everything
he does for me
566
00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:38,556
(LAUGHS) I'm doin' it,
doin' it, doin' it
567
00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:39,914
Doin' it, doin' it, yeah
568
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:42,070
Doin' it, doin' it...
569
00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:43,513
Mom loved karaoke.
570
00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:45,272
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERS ON TV)
571
00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:46,675
Remember?
572
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:48,796
Oh, yes, I certainly do.
(PAUSES VIDEO)
573
00:23:49,120 --> 00:23:51,270
RACHEL: Come on,
let's eat, Dad. Come on.
574
00:23:51,360 --> 00:23:52,588
Let's go.
575
00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:53,829
Come on!
576
00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:55,831
Okay. Okay.
What are you doing?
577
00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:03,636
This karaoke video is
just for you, Bradley.
578
00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:07,836
And to my chubbos back home,
Rachel and Vicky.
579
00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:10,397
I love you so much.
580
00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:13,593
I'll be home before you know it.
(CHUCKLES)
581
00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:17,673
Love you.
582
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:19,079
Love you guys.
583
00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:22,718
Yeah, could you go to the
supermarket for me, please?
584
00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:26,160
Yeah, yeah, of course.
585
00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:28,913
I can, uh...
Yeah, what, uh...
586
00:24:30,560 --> 00:24:31,788
What do we need?
587
00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:33,950
Uh, we need juice, eggs...
Uh-huh.
588
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:35,393
Eggs.
589
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:37,870
Bread, of course.
Yup.
590
00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:41,157
Um, we need bananas and tampons.
Mmm-hmm.
591
00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:42,355
Yeah.
592
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:45,598
Uh... Um...
593
00:24:46,080 --> 00:24:47,308
What was that?
594
00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:48,400
Tampons.
595
00:24:48,480 --> 00:24:50,710
Maybe that's something
that can wait, you think?
596
00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:53,030
Uh... No.
597
00:24:53,120 --> 00:24:54,314
I'm just going
to write "T."
598
00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:55,469
I'll know what
that means.
599
00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:56,560
Okay, good.
Mmm-hmm.
600
00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:58,079
Okay, there you go.
601
00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:00,318
Oh, I miss you guys so much.
602
00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:02,709
PETER: Mom, we just saw you,
like, two hours ago.
603
00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:04,711
I know, I know,
but I love you,
604
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:06,916
and I miss you
when you're not here.
605
00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:11,236
So... Hey, are you guys sure you
want to stay at Daddy's tonight
606
00:25:11,360 --> 00:25:13,351
because I could...
Bye, Mom.
607
00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:14,714
Okay, bye.
608
00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:17,597
Me, too, I'm in.
609
00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:21,832
All in.
ALL: One, two, three!
610
00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:23,319
Oh, my gosh.
(GROANS)
611
00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:25,356
Oh, I won again.
No way.
612
00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:29,360
(SIGHS)
613
00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:38,190
So, Mother's Day is coming and I
will be spending it with my mother.
614
00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:40,714
I brought her out
with my most recent boyfriend
615
00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:42,119
and he leaves
for the bathroom,
616
00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:44,031
not even out of earshot,
and she's like,
617
00:25:44,120 --> 00:25:45,256
"Well, he's
all right, I guess,
618
00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:47,096
"but is that the nose you want
to see on your little girl?"
619
00:25:47,120 --> 00:25:48,951
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(BELL RINGS)
620
00:25:49,040 --> 00:25:50,189
That's my time.
621
00:25:50,280 --> 00:25:52,350
Thank you so much, everyone.
622
00:25:52,440 --> 00:25:54,874
JACKIE: That was
Genevieve Joy.
623
00:25:54,960 --> 00:25:57,235
Once again,
ladies and gentlemen,
624
00:25:57,320 --> 00:25:59,390
welcome to the
Buckhead Comedy Contest
625
00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:02,392
with your host,
former used car legend
626
00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:06,752
and now comedy club owner,
Mr. Wally Burn. (AUDIENCE CHEERING)
627
00:26:06,840 --> 00:26:08,558
Thank you, thank you.
628
00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:10,392
All right, this next guy
coming out,
629
00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:13,040
he's a guy from
the island across the pond
630
00:26:13,160 --> 00:26:17,711
that gave us colonialism, Hugh Grant
and the plague. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
631
00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:21,156
Please put your hands
together for Zack Zim.
632
00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:24,869
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Zack Zim, have fun!
633
00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:32,154
Good evening, hey, I'm Zack,
originally from Britain,
634
00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:35,596
now living out here in Atlanta, Georgia,
with my girlfriend,
635
00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:38,473
my girlfriend who recently had a baby.
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
636
00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:40,551
No, uh, don't applaud.
637
00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:42,517
Um, it's not mine.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
638
00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:44,915
(MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
No, she is, I hope.
639
00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:48,668
She's amazing.
My girlfriend is American,
640
00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:52,036
but she is desperate for our
child to have a British accent.
641
00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:54,913
That's all she wants.
She won't talk to our child, seriously.
642
00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:56,638
I have to read to
Katie every night.
643
00:26:56,720 --> 00:26:58,551
All the other kids
are watching Sesame Street.
644
00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:00,995
Our baby is sat down
in front of Downton Abbey.
645
00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:02,080
(ALL LAUGHING)
646
00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:04,919
You notice I say
"girlfriend," five years,
647
00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:08,197
we're still not married,
and, boy, have I asked. (CHUCKLES)
648
00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:10,271
It was a struggle enough
to get her to update
649
00:27:10,360 --> 00:27:12,032
her Facebook
profile from "single."
650
00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:14,839
I was like, "Five years,
we have a child together.
651
00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:17,673
"Couldn't you at least make it,
'it's complicated'?"
652
00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:19,159
And it makes
it awkward, though,
653
00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:21,111
like, how do you
introduce each other?
654
00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:22,593
When I introduce Kristin,
655
00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:24,830
I introduce her as
the light of my life,
656
00:27:24,960 --> 00:27:28,430
the song of my soul, the mother
of my child. AUDIENCE: Aw...
657
00:27:28,520 --> 00:27:30,670
And she introduces
me as her roommate.
658
00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:32,239
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
659
00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:37,275
And a great big happy almost
Mother's Day to you terrific...
660
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:39,000
(CLICKS TONGUE)
661
00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:40,235
Hey.
662
00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:45,076
Can we, um, just go back to the
not married thing for a sec?
663
00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:47,879
Oh, Come on,
please, I am so tired.
664
00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:49,154
I am so tired.
665
00:27:49,240 --> 00:27:53,358
I love you, Kristin,
and I do want to marry you.
666
00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:56,950
But I think I don't feel like
getting turned down anymore.
667
00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:07,274
There's something you're not telling me,
but you can.
668
00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:11,435
Whatever it is, we'll get through it,
if we're committed.
669
00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:13,673
I don't know.
670
00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:15,953
Zack, I just...
671
00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:19,635
(STUTTERS)
I don't know. Um...
672
00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:23,396
I don't know either.
(EXHALES)
673
00:28:24,560 --> 00:28:27,950
So, do you
want to take a break?
674
00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:32,032
What? No, never.
675
00:28:32,120 --> 00:28:35,795
I just... I need
a little bit more time.
676
00:28:37,040 --> 00:28:38,632
I won't wait forever.
677
00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:46,752
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
678
00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:52,160
(GIBBERISH)
679
00:28:52,320 --> 00:28:53,799
I know,
I'll take it.
680
00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:56,711
I'll take it.
Can I have a kiss, too?
681
00:28:56,800 --> 00:28:57,949
Mama wants a kiss.
682
00:28:58,520 --> 00:28:59,839
Oh, thank you.
Mama kiss.
683
00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:02,551
BABY: Mama kiss.
JESSE: Mama kiss.
684
00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:03,675
Sandy?
685
00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:05,153
Hi.
Hi.
686
00:29:05,360 --> 00:29:06,509
Hey!
687
00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:08,511
Hi, hi, hi.
Hi, hello.
688
00:29:08,680 --> 00:29:10,398
This is my friend Kristin.
689
00:29:10,480 --> 00:29:11,595
Hey, Kristin.
690
00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:12,696
That's her
little one, Katie.
691
00:29:12,720 --> 00:29:14,256
JESSE: Kristin and I met
at Mommy and Me.
692
00:29:14,280 --> 00:29:15,280
SANDY: Oh, sweet.
693
00:29:15,360 --> 00:29:16,360
JESSE: So, how'd it go?
694
00:29:16,680 --> 00:29:18,636
I got the interview.
Great.
695
00:29:18,720 --> 00:29:20,616
I don't know what's going to happen,
but, you know,
696
00:29:20,640 --> 00:29:22,456
at least I... I'm just
hoping to have something
697
00:29:22,480 --> 00:29:24,118
to keep my mind
off of all of the...
698
00:29:24,240 --> 00:29:25,593
JESSE: Yeah.
SANDY: You know.
699
00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:28,513
So, Sandy's ex-husband
just got remarried...
700
00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:30,113
Oh...
...to, like, a 12-year-old.
701
00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:31,428
Oh!
Yeah. So...
702
00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:32,520
(ALL CHUCKLING)
703
00:29:32,600 --> 00:29:34,656
Well, I was actually going to say
carpooling and bagging lunches,
704
00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:36,591
but, you know, or that.
JESSE: Okay, I'm sorry!
705
00:29:36,680 --> 00:29:38,176
I'd like to get my
mind off of that. (CHUCKLES)
706
00:29:38,200 --> 00:29:39,315
I'm sorry.
(LAUGHS)
707
00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:40,440
I'm sorry!
No, it was just,
708
00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:41,839
we were on the topic
of marriage
709
00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:45,714
and she's got cold feet, which is...
Oh...
710
00:29:45,840 --> 00:29:47,592
I get that.
I get that.
711
00:29:47,760 --> 00:29:49,376
So, that's what's happening here.
(BABY MUMBLING)
712
00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:50,628
Yeah.
Hi!
713
00:29:50,720 --> 00:29:52,640
JESSE: Yeah, we get it.
SANDY: But you know what?
714
00:29:52,720 --> 00:29:55,314
You don't know until you give
it a shot is the truth, right?
715
00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:56,400
Yeah.
716
00:29:56,560 --> 00:30:01,793
Really? Were you, like, sure?
Uh-uh.
717
00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:03,359
Are you ever sure?
718
00:30:03,440 --> 00:30:04,475
JESSE: I was sure.
719
00:30:04,560 --> 00:30:06,278
You were sure?
You were totally sure?
720
00:30:06,360 --> 00:30:08,828
100%, going Indian
all the way.
721
00:30:10,480 --> 00:30:13,392
Huh. I mean, I was 100%
certain I wanted kids.
722
00:30:13,520 --> 00:30:15,272
Yeah, well,
that, of course.
723
00:30:15,400 --> 00:30:18,790
I mean, I can't imagine...
Just the other stuff I don't know about.
724
00:30:18,920 --> 00:30:20,148
Well, that's you guys.
725
00:30:20,240 --> 00:30:22,834
I'm not the best person
to be giving marital advice.
726
00:30:22,920 --> 00:30:24,876
KRISTIN: (LAUGHS) No, no,
I do need to hear
727
00:30:24,960 --> 00:30:27,110
because it's the divorce
thing that scares me,
728
00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:30,510
because I don't know what that
would be like for her and...
729
00:30:30,760 --> 00:30:33,593
You don't go into a marriage thinking
you're going to get a divorce.
730
00:30:34,160 --> 00:30:35,878
(CHUCKLES) Obviously.
SANDY: Nobody does.
731
00:30:36,120 --> 00:30:38,236
You know,
life happens and if it does,
732
00:30:38,360 --> 00:30:40,999
then you've got a lot
more closet space...
733
00:30:41,080 --> 00:30:42,080
Yeah.
734
00:30:42,120 --> 00:30:45,078
Extra sink, no snoring,
you know, a lot of positives.
735
00:30:45,200 --> 00:30:46,200
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
736
00:30:46,320 --> 00:30:48,595
You're really just doing what's
best for the kids, right?
737
00:30:48,720 --> 00:30:50,551
And yourself, but the kids.
738
00:30:50,880 --> 00:30:53,030
By the way, your child is
eating sand, if you...
739
00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:54,679
JESSE: Tanner, don't eat that.
740
00:30:54,760 --> 00:30:55,875
There's cat poop in it.
741
00:30:55,960 --> 00:30:57,029
(SHUDDERS)
742
00:30:57,120 --> 00:30:58,120
That's so gross.
743
00:30:58,160 --> 00:30:59,840
What if there is cat poop...
No, he's fine.
744
00:30:59,960 --> 00:31:00,960
They survive...
745
00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:02,976
Cat poop... and then they
grow up to be just like us.
746
00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:05,673
SANDY: Yeah, and they have
a very healthy immune system.
747
00:31:05,840 --> 00:31:07,576
Anyway, I'm going to go to the kids' show.
JESSE: Okay.
748
00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:09,416
Hey, if you're going to come,
will you just text me?
749
00:31:09,440 --> 00:31:10,656
KRISTIN: It was
nice meeting you.
750
00:31:10,680 --> 00:31:11,816
Nice to meet you.
And I'll save you a seat?
751
00:31:11,840 --> 00:31:12,875
JESSE: Yes.
752
00:31:12,960 --> 00:31:14,188
Okay, or tweet at me.
753
00:31:14,280 --> 00:31:15,713
Yeah, I'll text...
I'll tweet...
754
00:31:15,800 --> 00:31:17,392
What? Tweet you?
755
00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:19,456
Yeah, see, right? That didn't sound right.
JESSE: Mmm-mmm.
756
00:31:19,480 --> 00:31:21,152
What is that?
I was just trying it out.
757
00:31:21,280 --> 00:31:22,395
Okay, bye.
758
00:31:25,120 --> 00:31:26,599
Kristin, what's wrong?
759
00:31:28,080 --> 00:31:29,274
What happened?
760
00:31:29,960 --> 00:31:30,960
(SHUSHING)
761
00:31:33,920 --> 00:31:34,920
Are you okay?
762
00:31:34,960 --> 00:31:38,316
I love Zack, but there's a
reason I'm afraid of marriage.
763
00:31:38,800 --> 00:31:39,800
Um...
764
00:31:42,760 --> 00:31:47,834
The truth is I have no
idea who the hell I am.
765
00:31:49,840 --> 00:31:52,400
That's a big one.
766
00:31:53,840 --> 00:31:55,353
I was adopted.
767
00:31:55,440 --> 00:31:56,509
Oh, okay.
768
00:31:56,920 --> 00:31:59,992
And I never met my
biological mother.
769
00:32:00,080 --> 00:32:01,513
You never
told me that.
770
00:32:01,600 --> 00:32:04,797
Never told anyone
that, only Zack.
771
00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:11,276
And I've always wondered,
did she just throw me away?
772
00:32:11,600 --> 00:32:15,354
Or, you know, was there a
reason she got rid of me?
773
00:32:16,520 --> 00:32:18,670
Aw.
I have abandonment issues.
774
00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:23,590
Honey, I'm sure you have
a million questions,
775
00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:26,116
but then you know
what you have to do.
776
00:32:26,200 --> 00:32:27,519
You have to
find your mother.
777
00:32:27,600 --> 00:32:29,352
I already did.
778
00:32:29,880 --> 00:32:31,438
Then I'm missing
the point.
779
00:32:31,520 --> 00:32:33,511
I've no...
What do you mean?
780
00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:35,795
(CHUCKLES) I mean,
I have her address,
781
00:32:35,880 --> 00:32:39,350
I just haven't had
the courage to contact her.
782
00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:40,959
I'm really scared.
783
00:32:41,040 --> 00:32:42,871
God, of course. That's...
784
00:32:44,360 --> 00:32:46,396
Who wouldn't be?
I mean, that's crazy.
785
00:32:46,480 --> 00:32:48,869
You don't even know what
she's going to be like.
786
00:32:49,160 --> 00:32:50,639
You don't even
know your mother
787
00:32:50,720 --> 00:32:52,392
and she has this
power over you.
788
00:32:52,600 --> 00:32:55,239
You're going to have to
face it sooner or later.
789
00:32:55,320 --> 00:32:56,548
You can do it.
(SIGHS) Really?
790
00:32:56,640 --> 00:32:57,856
Yes, you should just do it.
Yeah.
791
00:32:57,880 --> 00:32:59,836
You're right, you're right,
you're right.
792
00:32:59,920 --> 00:33:01,911
Okay.
Yeah, and get it over with.
793
00:33:02,040 --> 00:33:05,396
You're, you know...
I mean, now you'll face it.
794
00:33:05,960 --> 00:33:08,376
Yeah, I'm going to do it.
You're right, you're right, you're right.
795
00:33:08,400 --> 00:33:10,470
I'm going to do it. I got it.
796
00:33:10,560 --> 00:33:11,913
You will have it.
797
00:33:12,000 --> 00:33:13,194
(CHUCKLES) Thanks, Jess.
798
00:33:13,280 --> 00:33:14,395
Hi, I'm Bobby Lee,
799
00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:17,950
principal here at Millard
Fillmore Middle School.
800
00:33:18,040 --> 00:33:19,758
And we're really
excited about this show.
801
00:33:19,840 --> 00:33:20,896
We're gonna start
in a few minutes.
802
00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:22,656
The kids are very excited and later,
we're going to be...
803
00:33:22,680 --> 00:33:23,829
Sandy, hi.
804
00:33:23,920 --> 00:33:26,480
...featuring the Fillmore band in concert.
How about that?
805
00:33:26,560 --> 00:33:27,595
What are you doing here?
806
00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:30,148
I didn't think
you'd mind. Here.
807
00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:31,559
I kind of mind.
808
00:33:31,680 --> 00:33:32,908
I had to hear Peter's riff.
809
00:33:33,000 --> 00:33:34,376
We were up late last
night working on it.
810
00:33:34,400 --> 00:33:35,960
SANDY: You were
working on Peter's riff?
811
00:33:36,000 --> 00:33:37,896
TINA: Yeah, I was in an
all-girl band in high school.
812
00:33:37,920 --> 00:33:39,956
My gosh,
Peter's gotten so good.
813
00:33:40,040 --> 00:33:41,696
You know, we just want
to encourage his music,
814
00:33:41,720 --> 00:33:44,576
so we're taking the boys to the Foo
Fighters concert this weekend. But...
815
00:33:44,600 --> 00:33:45,920
What? Don't say
anything to Peter.
816
00:33:45,960 --> 00:33:47,359
It's a surprise.
817
00:33:47,440 --> 00:33:50,591
And don't even get me
started on Dave Grohl.
818
00:33:50,720 --> 00:33:51,755
Don't tell Henry.
819
00:33:51,880 --> 00:33:55,589
Okay, Tina, Tina, Tina,
Tina, that's it.
820
00:33:55,720 --> 00:33:57,358
I'm done. I'm done
with surprises.
821
00:33:57,440 --> 00:34:01,194
I really am. This week,
enough surprises, seriously.
822
00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:02,839
Okay, is something wrong?
823
00:34:02,920 --> 00:34:04,399
Yes, something is wrong.
824
00:34:04,520 --> 00:34:07,717
I got here an hour early,
so I could get a front row seat,
825
00:34:07,800 --> 00:34:11,395
and have a perfect camera
angle and watch my children.
826
00:34:11,480 --> 00:34:13,311
And now you're sitting
right here next to me.
827
00:34:13,400 --> 00:34:14,879
Because the seat was open.
828
00:34:14,960 --> 00:34:19,158
It was for my purse, my purse's seat, okay?
My purse's seat is right here.
829
00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:24,549
God, you cannot just show up
here late and then sit there.
830
00:34:24,640 --> 00:34:26,631
You just can't
do that. We need...
831
00:34:26,720 --> 00:34:28,073
We need boundaries.
832
00:34:28,160 --> 00:34:29,434
We need some rules, Tina.
833
00:34:29,640 --> 00:34:30,640
Rules?
834
00:34:30,720 --> 00:34:32,756
Like, sitting in
an open seat?
835
00:34:32,880 --> 00:34:34,916
I don't know what
the rules are yet, Tina.
836
00:34:35,000 --> 00:34:36,976
I don't know what they are,
but I just know we have them,
837
00:34:37,000 --> 00:34:38,718
and you're breaking all of them.
Okay.
838
00:34:38,840 --> 00:34:40,296
I've just gotta get...
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
839
00:34:40,320 --> 00:34:42,197
(SHUSHING)
Animals on Parade!
840
00:34:42,360 --> 00:34:47,673
(SINGING) Old MacDonald had a farm
Ee I ee I oh
841
00:34:48,360 --> 00:34:51,557
And on his farm
he had a penguin...
842
00:34:51,640 --> 00:34:53,631
What, why?
843
00:34:53,840 --> 00:34:56,434
He also had a helper,
it seems.
844
00:34:56,600 --> 00:34:58,352
Oh, there's Mikey.
Hi, honey.
845
00:34:58,800 --> 00:35:00,199
A lion! He's got a...
846
00:35:01,680 --> 00:35:04,433
Oh, my God,
the costume's on backwards.
847
00:35:04,520 --> 00:35:05,953
He had a lion...
848
00:35:06,120 --> 00:35:07,394
(ALL LAUGHING)
849
00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:10,034
Did you do that?
850
00:35:11,040 --> 00:35:12,040
Peter.
851
00:35:12,680 --> 00:35:13,880
Don't touch it,
don't touch it.
852
00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:14,960
(GASPS)
853
00:35:15,160 --> 00:35:16,559
(ALL CONTINUE LAUGHING)
854
00:35:18,040 --> 00:35:20,349
Ee I ee I oh
855
00:35:21,360 --> 00:35:22,509
Yeah, that's good.
856
00:35:22,640 --> 00:35:24,676
The producers have asked
to push the crystals.
857
00:35:24,760 --> 00:35:26,193
Traffic has slowed down.
858
00:35:27,080 --> 00:35:30,789
Five, four, three, two...
859
00:35:32,320 --> 00:35:33,912
Welcome back, everyone.
860
00:35:34,000 --> 00:35:35,797
All right, dads and husbands,
861
00:35:35,880 --> 00:35:39,236
take a look at these
beautiful mood pendants.
862
00:35:39,320 --> 00:35:42,756
Mother's Day, just a few days away,
this is your chance.
863
00:35:44,040 --> 00:35:45,678
MAN: And we're clear.
864
00:35:55,840 --> 00:35:58,638
We need a price check
on organic cotton...
865
00:35:59,400 --> 00:36:00,674
No, that's not necessary.
866
00:36:00,800 --> 00:36:02,552
They are...
They're 9 bucks.
867
00:36:02,680 --> 00:36:04,113
They're 9 bucks each.
868
00:36:04,200 --> 00:36:07,590
Cancel that price check on tampons,
the organic cotton ones.
869
00:36:09,680 --> 00:36:10,680
Daughter?
870
00:36:12,560 --> 00:36:14,516
Oh, uh, yeah.
871
00:36:15,160 --> 00:36:19,517
Two actually, but only one is currently,
you know, becoming a woman.
872
00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:21,480
Got you.
873
00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:25,469
Yeah, their mom
used to do this, but...
874
00:36:27,440 --> 00:36:28,634
Well, I do it now.
875
00:36:29,120 --> 00:36:30,838
Same boat, two sons.
876
00:36:32,880 --> 00:36:34,598
How is that the same boat?
877
00:36:35,800 --> 00:36:39,031
(STAMMERING)
I guess just the number.
878
00:36:41,120 --> 00:36:44,396
Sorry, I don't usually eavesdrop
on other people's carts.
879
00:36:44,480 --> 00:36:47,995
It's just... I'm Sandy,
I have two sons.
880
00:36:48,800 --> 00:36:49,869
I already said that.
881
00:36:50,640 --> 00:36:51,640
Yes, you did.
882
00:36:51,720 --> 00:36:53,756
I can take you over here.
Oh, thank you.
883
00:36:56,120 --> 00:36:59,635
Sandy, two sons, same boat.
884
00:36:59,960 --> 00:37:01,109
Oh, thank you.
885
00:37:01,200 --> 00:37:02,758
All right, well, bye.
886
00:37:02,960 --> 00:37:06,032
Yeah, it was nice meeting you,
Sandy with two sons.
887
00:37:06,160 --> 00:37:07,639
It was two, right?
888
00:37:08,240 --> 00:37:09,309
Yeah.
889
00:37:12,840 --> 00:37:13,989
(PHONE RINGING)
890
00:37:14,640 --> 00:37:16,198
Hey, Henry, what's up?
891
00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:19,394
Hey, are the boys'
passports up to date?
892
00:37:21,720 --> 00:37:23,790
Their passports?
893
00:37:24,080 --> 00:37:26,355
I am planning our
summer vacation.
894
00:37:26,600 --> 00:37:27,635
Um...
895
00:37:28,520 --> 00:37:33,833
Okay, where are you
planning this vacation?
896
00:37:34,160 --> 00:37:36,958
We're going to Paris.
Tina's never been.
897
00:37:37,600 --> 00:37:39,556
Paris, uh, France?
898
00:37:40,160 --> 00:37:41,160
Uh-huh.
899
00:37:41,400 --> 00:37:42,833
SANDY: Are you kidding me?
900
00:37:43,360 --> 00:37:45,635
No, I'm not. Why?
901
00:37:45,720 --> 00:37:47,073
I got to go.
902
00:37:47,200 --> 00:37:48,200
(STAMMERS)
903
00:37:48,400 --> 00:37:49,515
Bye.
904
00:37:51,280 --> 00:37:52,349
Hello?
905
00:37:53,400 --> 00:37:54,515
Hello?
906
00:37:56,680 --> 00:37:58,671
So, how'd she take it?
907
00:38:00,040 --> 00:38:01,439
Like a champ.
908
00:38:03,880 --> 00:38:06,758
Oh, you've got to
be kidding me!
909
00:38:07,520 --> 00:38:09,511
(SOBS) Paris?
910
00:38:10,360 --> 00:38:12,351
Paris, Paris, Paris!
911
00:38:12,640 --> 00:38:13,640
That's...
912
00:38:14,040 --> 00:38:18,238
We could not get our shit together
for 13 years to get to Paris.
913
00:38:18,960 --> 00:38:19,960
(SANDY YELLS)
914
00:38:20,120 --> 00:38:22,111
Now he's taking Tina. Tina.
915
00:38:22,200 --> 00:38:23,872
Now he's taking Tina.
916
00:38:24,360 --> 00:38:28,114
It's the only place I've wanted to go
since I was a kid and I read Madeline!
917
00:38:28,400 --> 00:38:30,834
I don't even think she knows
who the hell Madeline is!
918
00:38:31,280 --> 00:38:35,034
Oh, my God,
this is not happening!
919
00:38:35,120 --> 00:38:36,997
This is not
happening! (GRUNTS)
920
00:38:38,720 --> 00:38:42,235
Oh, man, you know, you couldn't
have taken her to London
921
00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:45,392
or to fuckin'
Disneyland maybe?
922
00:38:45,480 --> 00:38:47,994
I don't know,
how about take her to the prom?
923
00:38:48,080 --> 00:38:50,594
That's somewhere I bet
she hasn't been yet.
924
00:38:51,120 --> 00:38:52,120
Jesus...
925
00:38:54,320 --> 00:38:56,709
Freaking Tina! (GRUNTING)
926
00:38:57,520 --> 00:38:58,520
(SOBS)
927
00:38:59,920 --> 00:39:01,239
I'd hate to see
her in traffic.
928
00:39:01,320 --> 00:39:02,594
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
929
00:39:07,600 --> 00:39:08,828
BRADLEY: That's it.
930
00:39:08,920 --> 00:39:10,239
That's it, go!
931
00:39:10,440 --> 00:39:11,440
Over here!
932
00:39:12,320 --> 00:39:13,355
BRADLEY: Cross it!
933
00:39:14,760 --> 00:39:16,591
That's it. Rachel's open.
934
00:39:16,680 --> 00:39:18,477
There you go. That's it.
935
00:39:19,000 --> 00:39:20,035
Yeah, move it!
936
00:39:20,120 --> 00:39:21,120
Hurry!
937
00:39:24,200 --> 00:39:25,599
Goal!
938
00:39:25,720 --> 00:39:27,199
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
(GIRLS CHEERING)
939
00:39:30,240 --> 00:39:32,549
Did not cross
the line! No goal!
940
00:39:32,680 --> 00:39:35,513
What? What?
What are you talking about?
941
00:39:35,640 --> 00:39:36,840
Go back to your coaching area!
942
00:39:36,920 --> 00:39:38,976
No, no, no, no,
not until you reverse that call, man.
943
00:39:39,000 --> 00:39:40,035
I'm warning you.
944
00:39:40,120 --> 00:39:42,076
Hey, you're warning me what?
Look at the crowd.
945
00:39:42,520 --> 00:39:44,192
Easy, mister.
I've got this, Lisa.
946
00:39:44,280 --> 00:39:45,416
What? There's not
many of them.
947
00:39:45,440 --> 00:39:46,475
No, no, look at them.
948
00:39:47,120 --> 00:39:48,633
Okay, you've got,
like, five dozen
949
00:39:48,720 --> 00:39:50,216
different recorded
versions of that play
950
00:39:50,240 --> 00:39:51,753
you completely
missed right there.
951
00:39:51,840 --> 00:39:53,160
Why don't you
just walk over there
952
00:39:53,240 --> 00:39:54,496
and ask one of them
to replay it for you,
953
00:39:54,520 --> 00:39:55,936
then you'll see you're wrong,
we'll win the game
954
00:39:55,960 --> 00:39:58,120
and then you can stumble home
with your seeing-eye dog.
955
00:39:58,200 --> 00:39:59,599
That's it. (BLOWS WHISTLE)
956
00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:01,069
Yellow card!
957
00:40:01,160 --> 00:40:02,195
(GIRLS SIGH)
958
00:40:02,280 --> 00:40:03,679
Yellow card?
Are you...
959
00:40:04,680 --> 00:40:06,033
Oh, he blew
another man's whistle.
960
00:40:06,160 --> 00:40:07,616
Did you just blow my whistle?
You're damn right.
961
00:40:07,640 --> 00:40:08,976
You do not blow
another man's whistle.
962
00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:11,070
You do when he
blows the game for you!
963
00:40:11,160 --> 00:40:13,799
All right,
that's it, red card!
964
00:40:14,200 --> 00:40:15,200
You're gone.
965
00:40:15,320 --> 00:40:16,958
I'm gone? Okay,
good to know.
966
00:40:17,040 --> 00:40:18,678
Okay, you know what?
I'm gone.
967
00:40:19,200 --> 00:40:21,156
Now your ball's gone.
That's what's gone, okay?
968
00:40:21,280 --> 00:40:22,315
Hey, Kimberly!
969
00:40:22,840 --> 00:40:23,909
Oh, I've got to go!
970
00:40:24,000 --> 00:40:26,070
You take over, okay?
JODI: Yeah, you better go.
971
00:40:26,160 --> 00:40:27,776
Yeah, thank you.
If anybody's looking for me,
972
00:40:27,800 --> 00:40:30,189
I'll be out in the parking lot
calling LensCrafters,
973
00:40:30,320 --> 00:40:31,833
making that guy
an appointment!
974
00:40:32,360 --> 00:40:34,160
Baby, you better go.
You're going to get hurt.
975
00:40:34,800 --> 00:40:36,233
Spare ball, please.
976
00:40:36,360 --> 00:40:37,509
Knucklehead!
977
00:40:44,680 --> 00:40:47,194
All right, you're gone.
978
00:40:48,680 --> 00:40:52,036
You... A pox
upon your whistle.
979
00:40:54,000 --> 00:40:55,000
(WHISTLES)
980
00:40:55,360 --> 00:40:56,475
Play ball!
981
00:40:57,040 --> 00:40:58,075
Next.
982
00:40:58,600 --> 00:41:01,672
Yeah, hi.
Could we get a large pizza?
983
00:41:01,760 --> 00:41:03,637
What kind you want?
Cheese.
984
00:41:04,320 --> 00:41:06,550
Large cheese pizza
and three sodas to go.
985
00:41:06,680 --> 00:41:08,033
Wait over there, please.
986
00:41:09,440 --> 00:41:12,193
Where'd you hear that "pox on my whistle"?
What's that from?
987
00:41:12,360 --> 00:41:14,271
Shakespeare.
Shakespeare, huh?
988
00:41:14,400 --> 00:41:15,594
William Shakespeare?
989
00:41:15,720 --> 00:41:17,073
No, Bob Shakespeare.
990
00:41:17,240 --> 00:41:18,275
Who else would it...
991
00:41:18,400 --> 00:41:19,879
Why are you talking
to me like this?
992
00:41:20,880 --> 00:41:22,074
You, too, now?
993
00:41:22,600 --> 00:41:23,856
WOMAN 1: I can't
believe we lost.
994
00:41:23,880 --> 00:41:25,056
WOMAN 2: I think
that ball was deflated.
995
00:41:25,080 --> 00:41:26,115
WOMAN 1: Totally.
996
00:41:26,200 --> 00:41:27,474
Tom Brady is hot.
997
00:41:30,280 --> 00:41:32,669
Hey, want to go
get some ice cream?
998
00:41:32,800 --> 00:41:34,153
As a makeup present?
999
00:41:34,280 --> 00:41:35,395
Make up for what?
1000
00:41:35,560 --> 00:41:37,471
Acting like Mopey Dick
half the time.
1001
00:41:37,560 --> 00:41:38,913
I'm sorry, Mopey Dick?
1002
00:41:39,520 --> 00:41:42,478
Yeah, being sad
all the time,
1003
00:41:42,600 --> 00:41:46,559
obsessing over soccer
so you can get closer to Mom,
1004
00:41:47,480 --> 00:41:50,438
watching those
videos over and over.
1005
00:41:52,400 --> 00:41:56,313
She's gone, Dad, and we're all sad,
but for how long?
1006
00:41:56,440 --> 00:41:58,776
And acting like an asshole with
that ref doesn't help anyone.
1007
00:41:58,800 --> 00:41:59,835
Hey, watch your language.
1008
00:41:59,920 --> 00:42:01,239
You know what?
Yeah, I cuss.
1009
00:42:01,320 --> 00:42:03,276
That's because I'm
an unsupervised teen
1010
00:42:03,360 --> 00:42:05,256
and while I'm at it,
I don't mind taking care of Vicky
1011
00:42:05,280 --> 00:42:07,077
and doing all the housework
and the cooking.
1012
00:42:07,160 --> 00:42:09,390
Dad, I'm only 16,
I have a life.
1013
00:42:09,560 --> 00:42:10,879
I know, okay?
1014
00:42:12,920 --> 00:42:14,797
Tommy's here.
I've got to go.
1015
00:42:15,600 --> 00:42:17,636
Wait, where are you going?
Just stop.
1016
00:42:18,560 --> 00:42:20,391
Is this the boy
that likes you?
1017
00:42:20,480 --> 00:42:22,391
Hey, Rachel,
what are you doing?
1018
00:42:23,240 --> 00:42:24,434
Go, come on.
1019
00:42:24,560 --> 00:42:25,960
BRADLEY: Rachel,
get out of the car.
1020
00:42:26,840 --> 00:42:27,875
Get out.
1021
00:42:27,960 --> 00:42:29,996
You're going to roll
up the window on me.
1022
00:42:30,120 --> 00:42:33,510
Hey, wait until it stops
and then get out of the car.
1023
00:42:34,120 --> 00:42:35,633
Unbelievable.
1024
00:42:36,840 --> 00:42:38,114
(LAUGHTER)
1025
00:42:38,760 --> 00:42:40,910
But my friend comes
to me and she goes,
1026
00:42:41,000 --> 00:42:45,073
"Oh, my God, Mia,
I have met the perfect guy for you."
1027
00:42:45,160 --> 00:42:49,358
She shows me his picture,
and this dude was at least 75, okay?
1028
00:42:51,160 --> 00:42:52,309
And I am not.
1029
00:42:54,000 --> 00:42:56,992
And I said, "Um, his eyes
have cataracts,
1030
00:42:58,520 --> 00:43:00,556
"mine have hope, okay?"
1031
00:43:00,840 --> 00:43:02,273
(ALL LAUGHING)
1032
00:43:05,200 --> 00:43:06,633
She is killing 'em.
1033
00:43:08,320 --> 00:43:10,072
She's also
killing the boss.
1034
00:43:37,840 --> 00:43:39,319
Oh, I'm so sorry!
Are you okay?
1035
00:43:39,400 --> 00:43:41,118
Yes, I'm fine, I'm fine.
1036
00:43:41,200 --> 00:43:43,616
Do you know where the pool is?
I'm looking for Miranda Collins.
1037
00:43:43,640 --> 00:43:44,696
Yeah, it's right
through that door.
1038
00:43:44,720 --> 00:43:46,720
But, can I help you with the rip?
SANDY: No, I'm...
1039
00:43:46,840 --> 00:43:48,336
Sorry, watch out behind you.
Sorry, sorry, sorry!
1040
00:43:48,360 --> 00:43:50,191
Thank you. You sure I
can't help with the rip?
1041
00:43:50,320 --> 00:43:51,548
I got a safety pin.
1042
00:43:51,680 --> 00:43:53,830
No, no, thank you,
I'm late for a meeting.
1043
00:43:54,200 --> 00:43:55,997
Bigger smile.
Bigger smile, yeah.
1044
00:43:56,080 --> 00:43:58,071
There you go. Perfect.
1045
00:43:58,200 --> 00:43:59,758
Have a nice day.
Next.
1046
00:44:00,000 --> 00:44:01,000
Thank you.
1047
00:44:01,040 --> 00:44:02,837
Congratulations.
1048
00:44:02,920 --> 00:44:04,831
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no! Shoot!
1049
00:44:05,280 --> 00:44:06,315
One more.
1050
00:44:06,400 --> 00:44:09,198
Ma'am, these are contest winners.
Only they get pictures.
1051
00:44:09,280 --> 00:44:10,816
I'm not... I'm actually
not here for a picture.
1052
00:44:10,840 --> 00:44:12,114
I'm here to
show Miranda this.
1053
00:44:12,240 --> 00:44:13,275
Fine, stay here.
1054
00:44:13,400 --> 00:44:14,736
But, there's actually...
Hey, hey, hey!
1055
00:44:14,760 --> 00:44:15,760
How cute.
1056
00:44:15,920 --> 00:44:16,989
That's very sweet.
Miranda!
1057
00:44:17,080 --> 00:44:18,911
I'm sorry, that's...
Congratulations.
1058
00:44:19,040 --> 00:44:20,598
I'm not a contest winner.
1059
00:44:20,760 --> 00:44:21,988
Then why am I
hugging you?
1060
00:44:22,080 --> 00:44:24,196
I'm sorry. I'm late.
I'm here for the interview.
1061
00:44:24,280 --> 00:44:25,376
We're not doing
any press today.
1062
00:44:25,400 --> 00:44:26,520
No. I'm not
interviewing you.
1063
00:44:26,600 --> 00:44:28,056
She's interviewing me.
You need to calm down.
1064
00:44:28,080 --> 00:44:30,548
I need to calm down?
I'm not here for a photograph.
1065
00:44:30,640 --> 00:44:32,153
I'm here for a job.
1066
00:44:32,240 --> 00:44:33,434
Oh, you must be Sandy.
1067
00:44:33,520 --> 00:44:34,589
Yes, I'm Sandy!
1068
00:44:34,680 --> 00:44:36,671
Yes! Well, you missed
the design meeting.
1069
00:44:36,760 --> 00:44:37,896
Miranda is a very
busy person.
1070
00:44:37,920 --> 00:44:39,280
SANDY: Oh, really?
Is Miranda busy?
1071
00:44:39,800 --> 00:44:41,472
Well, I would have
been here on time
1072
00:44:41,560 --> 00:44:43,120
if my ex-husband
hadn't married a tween,
1073
00:44:43,280 --> 00:44:46,829
or if my doctor had called in
my child's asthma medication,
1074
00:44:46,920 --> 00:44:48,478
or if my mother-mobile
went faster
1075
00:44:48,560 --> 00:44:50,073
than 4 miles per
hour on the freeway.
1076
00:44:50,280 --> 00:44:53,238
But I understand it. I get it.
Her time is very valuable.
1077
00:44:53,320 --> 00:44:56,437
And she's very busy.
My time is not.
1078
00:45:00,480 --> 00:45:02,436
My bra's on inside out.
1079
00:45:03,440 --> 00:45:05,096
Would you like me
to help you with your bra?
1080
00:45:05,120 --> 00:45:07,429
No! Uh... Thank you, though.
1081
00:45:09,000 --> 00:45:10,353
I like your blouse.
1082
00:45:11,280 --> 00:45:12,998
Thank you. I just made this.
1083
00:45:17,280 --> 00:45:18,349
PHOTOGRAPHER: Next.
1084
00:45:19,640 --> 00:45:20,914
Look at me, look right here.
1085
00:45:23,960 --> 00:45:26,269
It's not a date. Oh, just...
1086
00:45:28,320 --> 00:45:29,389
Great.
1087
00:45:29,480 --> 00:45:30,993
That's a waste of my time.
1088
00:45:31,160 --> 00:45:33,993
Oh, I'm Miranda.
I'm the busiest woman in the world.
1089
00:45:34,640 --> 00:45:35,789
Where is she, Betty?
1090
00:45:35,880 --> 00:45:37,472
There she is,
talking to herself.
1091
00:45:37,800 --> 00:45:38,869
Thanks, Betty.
1092
00:45:40,320 --> 00:45:42,151
(CLEARS THROAT)
Excuse me, ma'am.
1093
00:45:43,000 --> 00:45:45,434
I'm sorry, Miss Collins
would like to see you now.
1094
00:45:46,480 --> 00:45:47,879
She would?
Yes.
1095
00:45:48,320 --> 00:45:49,389
Okay.
1096
00:45:49,480 --> 00:45:50,879
Oh, shoot!
1097
00:45:51,240 --> 00:45:52,240
Um...
1098
00:45:52,960 --> 00:45:54,678
One second, one second.
1099
00:45:56,360 --> 00:45:58,032
Can I help you with something?
1100
00:45:58,880 --> 00:46:00,616
Watch yourself.
Don't get stuck in there now.
1101
00:46:00,640 --> 00:46:01,640
Would you...
Okay, sure.
1102
00:46:01,720 --> 00:46:02,755
I got it. I got it.
Yep.
1103
00:46:02,840 --> 00:46:04,319
Okay?
Yes, I got it.
1104
00:46:04,400 --> 00:46:06,277
You sure you got everything?
Hello in there.
1105
00:46:06,360 --> 00:46:07,456
You want this back?
No, no, no.
1106
00:46:07,480 --> 00:46:08,674
No, okay.
1107
00:46:10,560 --> 00:46:15,634
Uh, okay, so,
I was trying to create
1108
00:46:15,720 --> 00:46:18,473
a little bit more
flow and, um...
1109
00:46:18,560 --> 00:46:19,560
(STAMMERS)
1110
00:46:20,680 --> 00:46:23,035
Gosh, your head just really
snapped right off there.
1111
00:46:23,120 --> 00:46:24,120
Anyhow.
1112
00:46:24,200 --> 00:46:27,033
So, that's why I kind of
rounded out these edges
1113
00:46:27,240 --> 00:46:28,559
a little bit and
opened it up.
1114
00:46:28,720 --> 00:46:29,720
And also, um...
1115
00:46:29,840 --> 00:46:31,512
How long has
your son had asthma?
1116
00:46:33,720 --> 00:46:35,233
His whole life.
1117
00:46:36,040 --> 00:46:39,271
But the doctors say that they
can grow out of it sometimes.
1118
00:46:42,160 --> 00:46:43,718
Do you have kids?
No.
1119
00:46:44,600 --> 00:46:45,999
Career.
Sure.
1120
00:46:46,080 --> 00:46:47,080
Keeps me busy.
1121
00:46:47,440 --> 00:46:49,715
Yeah, of course.
1122
00:46:50,600 --> 00:46:55,071
Tell me more about this
tween and your ex-husband.
1123
00:46:55,680 --> 00:46:57,477
Oh, yeah.
1124
00:46:57,560 --> 00:47:00,233
Oh, I'm sure I exaggerated
about that a little bit.
1125
00:47:00,360 --> 00:47:03,272
I'm sure she's older,
but I'll have a better idea
1126
00:47:03,400 --> 00:47:04,833
once all the acne clears up.
1127
00:47:04,920 --> 00:47:06,751
(LAUGHS)
1128
00:47:06,920 --> 00:47:08,273
You're funny.
1129
00:47:08,360 --> 00:47:10,191
You have to be
more fun than she is.
1130
00:47:10,280 --> 00:47:13,113
I am, I am.
1131
00:47:13,920 --> 00:47:15,956
Well, you should hold on to that.
Yeah.
1132
00:47:17,240 --> 00:47:18,389
Yeah.
1133
00:47:19,920 --> 00:47:23,276
Okay, I feel like I should keep
pitching you my... The set, so...
1134
00:47:23,400 --> 00:47:25,550
No, not at all.
You're hired.
1135
00:47:26,560 --> 00:47:28,357
That's it?
Mmm-hmm.
1136
00:47:28,440 --> 00:47:31,193
And I dare say with this new job,
you might be able to afford
1137
00:47:31,280 --> 00:47:32,599
a slightly faster car.
1138
00:47:33,400 --> 00:47:35,834
Not a Maserati,
but slightly faster car.
1139
00:47:35,920 --> 00:47:38,354
I'm so sorry for that
explosion out there.
1140
00:47:38,440 --> 00:47:41,238
Don't be. It got our
attention, didn't it?
1141
00:47:41,320 --> 00:47:43,151
Also a trait to hold on to.
1142
00:47:43,720 --> 00:47:45,392
Okay, thank you.
1143
00:47:45,480 --> 00:47:48,756
(WHISPERS) I'll hold on to that, and
I'm funny... I've a lot to hold on to.
1144
00:47:48,840 --> 00:47:51,308
I know that you're
very busy, Miranda, so...
1145
00:47:51,440 --> 00:47:52,998
One last thing.
1146
00:47:53,120 --> 00:47:55,839
There is one final
souvenir to give away,
1147
00:47:55,960 --> 00:47:58,633
though you were not
an essay-contest winner.
1148
00:47:59,960 --> 00:48:02,997
Thank you. 100% gold-plated
hypoallergenic bangle.
1149
00:48:03,120 --> 00:48:04,120
Oh.
Just for you.
1150
00:48:04,480 --> 00:48:07,153
Oh, my gosh.
This has been a great day.
1151
00:48:07,320 --> 00:48:08,320
(CHUCKLES)
1152
00:48:10,920 --> 00:48:13,480
Jess, our blender's broken.
We're using yours.
1153
00:48:13,600 --> 00:48:14,715
Okay.
Hey.
1154
00:48:14,800 --> 00:48:15,800
Hi.
1155
00:48:15,880 --> 00:48:17,108
Where's Russell and the kids?
1156
00:48:17,200 --> 00:48:20,476
Oh, they're out in the garage popping
the bubble wrap on the float.
1157
00:48:21,040 --> 00:48:22,393
(SKYPE CALL TUNE PLAYING)
1158
00:48:24,000 --> 00:48:25,479
It's them. You answer it.
1159
00:48:25,600 --> 00:48:26,600
It's your Skype.
1160
00:48:26,640 --> 00:48:27,675
It's your parents.
1161
00:48:27,760 --> 00:48:29,079
GABI: Your parents, too.
1162
00:48:29,160 --> 00:48:30,229
You know what?
1163
00:48:30,320 --> 00:48:33,073
This is something that I can do for you,
is answer and talk to them.
1164
00:48:33,160 --> 00:48:34,912
Thank you.
But I'd rather do this.
1165
00:48:35,000 --> 00:48:36,069
(SCREAMS)
1166
00:48:36,160 --> 00:48:38,071
Oh, my God.
(LAUGHING)
1167
00:48:38,880 --> 00:48:40,108
Dad.
1168
00:48:40,680 --> 00:48:41,680
EARL: Hi, Jess.
1169
00:48:41,800 --> 00:48:45,110
I want to talk to you about a
Mother's Day present for my old lady.
1170
00:48:45,320 --> 00:48:46,320
Uh...
1171
00:48:46,880 --> 00:48:50,270
The old lady,
meaning my mother?
1172
00:48:50,360 --> 00:48:53,352
Yeah, I've got the greatest
idea in the world.
1173
00:48:53,440 --> 00:48:54,440
Okay.
1174
00:48:54,520 --> 00:48:58,115
A present that's going to knock
your mama plum out of her panties.
1175
00:48:58,200 --> 00:48:59,200
Whoo!
1176
00:48:59,560 --> 00:49:02,632
Dad, that is a really
interesting visual.
1177
00:49:02,720 --> 00:49:04,551
FLO: What are you
guys talking about?
1178
00:49:04,680 --> 00:49:07,592
Mom, I thought... Dad, I thought
you wanted it to be a surprise?
1179
00:49:07,680 --> 00:49:09,352
Oh, it will be.
1180
00:49:09,480 --> 00:49:11,198
(DOORBEL RINGS)
Come in, door's open.
1181
00:49:12,160 --> 00:49:13,229
Hello?
1182
00:49:14,480 --> 00:49:15,879
Hello? Dad?
1183
00:49:16,320 --> 00:49:17,469
Surprise!
(SCREAMS)
1184
00:49:18,520 --> 00:49:20,715
Oh, my God!
That was... What?
1185
00:49:21,600 --> 00:49:23,033
What?
1186
00:49:23,160 --> 00:49:24,309
(INDISTINCT)
1187
00:49:25,240 --> 00:49:28,835
Yes, you have that here now.
1188
00:49:28,920 --> 00:49:30,876
That's crazy.
1189
00:49:31,840 --> 00:49:32,989
Gabi!
1190
00:49:33,320 --> 00:49:34,594
(INDISTINCT)
1191
00:49:34,720 --> 00:49:36,039
Gabi!
1192
00:49:36,560 --> 00:49:37,913
Oh, it's you guys.
1193
00:49:38,000 --> 00:49:39,194
Yeah, it is!
1194
00:49:40,680 --> 00:49:42,159
Oh, sweetheart.
1195
00:49:42,240 --> 00:49:43,856
JESSE: Gabi, you're not
going to believe it.
1196
00:49:43,880 --> 00:49:46,838
You guys are
supposed to be in Texas.
1197
00:49:46,960 --> 00:49:48,188
I lied.
1198
00:49:48,680 --> 00:49:50,955
We've been driving
20 hours straight.
1199
00:49:51,080 --> 00:49:53,799
I thought with us making up
on the Skype and all
1200
00:49:53,920 --> 00:49:54,989
and Gabi's engagement,
1201
00:49:55,080 --> 00:49:58,755
what a great
Mother's Day surprise,
1202
00:49:58,880 --> 00:50:00,438
a couple of days early.
1203
00:50:00,600 --> 00:50:01,669
Mom, Dad!
1204
00:50:01,760 --> 00:50:03,955
What are you guys doing here?
1205
00:50:04,360 --> 00:50:05,360
Yay!
1206
00:50:06,160 --> 00:50:07,593
Oh!
1207
00:50:08,880 --> 00:50:09,880
Hi, Daddy.
1208
00:50:09,920 --> 00:50:11,353
Hi, sweetheart.
1209
00:50:11,440 --> 00:50:13,749
Hey, listen. Uh, where's
the little ladies' room?
1210
00:50:13,880 --> 00:50:15,518
Down the hall.
EARL: I'll be right back.
1211
00:50:15,600 --> 00:50:17,079
FLO: I just can't
take him anywhere.
1212
00:50:17,280 --> 00:50:18,759
Oh...
Oh!
1213
00:50:18,840 --> 00:50:22,355
Well, I'll say,
this is some kind of casa.
1214
00:50:22,760 --> 00:50:24,193
Thank you.
1215
00:50:24,280 --> 00:50:26,032
That's not good.
It's not good.
1216
00:50:26,120 --> 00:50:27,976
You need to call Russell.
Text Russell right now.
1217
00:50:28,000 --> 00:50:29,035
Okay.
1218
00:50:29,120 --> 00:50:30,136
Text Russell, tell him
don't leave the garage
1219
00:50:30,160 --> 00:50:31,576
and don't let the kids
get out of the garage.
1220
00:50:31,600 --> 00:50:32,635
Just stay in the garage.
1221
00:50:32,960 --> 00:50:34,951
Oh, look at that picture.
1222
00:50:35,080 --> 00:50:36,115
I don't like it.
1223
00:50:37,280 --> 00:50:38,793
I don't live here.
1224
00:50:39,120 --> 00:50:42,749
Uh... Oh, hello there,
I'm Gabi's mom.
1225
00:50:42,840 --> 00:50:44,592
You must be Steven.
1226
00:50:45,600 --> 00:50:46,600
Oh!
1227
00:50:46,800 --> 00:50:47,915
(CHUCKLES)
1228
00:50:48,120 --> 00:50:49,189
I'm sorry.
1229
00:50:49,280 --> 00:50:52,590
I'm sorry, I thought
you were someone else.
1230
00:50:52,680 --> 00:50:53,999
You're Gabi's mom?
1231
00:50:54,120 --> 00:50:55,519
Yes, and who are you?
Oh.
1232
00:50:55,640 --> 00:50:56,640
(STUTTERS) Um, I'm,...
1233
00:50:57,600 --> 00:51:02,230
I'm Max, I'm Gabi's partner.
1234
00:51:02,320 --> 00:51:06,154
In crime. This is her
partner in crime, Max.
1235
00:51:07,640 --> 00:51:10,473
Well, good as new.
1236
00:51:10,560 --> 00:51:11,560
Oh.
1237
00:51:11,640 --> 00:51:12,789
You got any beer?
1238
00:51:13,160 --> 00:51:14,195
Yes.
1239
00:51:14,320 --> 00:51:15,878
We could always
go out for a beer.
1240
00:51:16,240 --> 00:51:17,468
Uh, uh...
1241
00:51:17,600 --> 00:51:19,352
Hoegaarden, Stella...
1242
00:51:19,960 --> 00:51:21,393
No.
Kingfisher...
1243
00:51:21,480 --> 00:51:25,155
It sounds like
the freakin' United Nations.
1244
00:51:25,720 --> 00:51:29,952
Uh, no, no, I'll import
some American brew from my RV.
1245
00:51:30,040 --> 00:51:31,155
Be right back.
1246
00:51:31,240 --> 00:51:32,468
Where is Steven?
1247
00:51:33,840 --> 00:51:34,875
BOTH: Oh.
1248
00:51:35,000 --> 00:51:36,399
Good luck.
Steven is...
1249
00:51:36,520 --> 00:51:37,520
FLO: Steven.
1250
00:51:37,560 --> 00:51:38,595
The one that...
1251
00:51:38,680 --> 00:51:39,715
Gabi's fiancé.
1252
00:51:39,800 --> 00:51:42,030
I'm excited to meet
my future son-in-law.
1253
00:51:42,200 --> 00:51:43,599
Are you? Okay.
1254
00:51:43,680 --> 00:51:46,797
Mom, um,
there is no Steven.
1255
00:51:46,880 --> 00:51:48,871
Max is my partner.
1256
00:51:50,640 --> 00:51:52,198
Your business partner?
1257
00:51:53,360 --> 00:51:55,874
No, um, my life partner.
1258
00:51:56,880 --> 00:51:58,438
Your li...
1259
00:51:58,880 --> 00:52:00,108
Uh, what...
1260
00:52:00,200 --> 00:52:02,031
I'm Gabi's wife.
1261
00:52:02,360 --> 00:52:03,360
Huh?
1262
00:52:03,520 --> 00:52:05,670
We're wives.
1263
00:52:06,400 --> 00:52:08,550
No! No!
1264
00:52:09,880 --> 00:52:11,154
What did I miss?
Oh!
1265
00:52:11,920 --> 00:52:13,800
A heck of an episode
of The Jerry Springer Show.
1266
00:52:13,840 --> 00:52:15,512
Doesn't get any
better than Jerry.
1267
00:52:15,600 --> 00:52:18,558
Hey, Jesse, why am I
staying in the... Oh, hello.
1268
00:52:18,680 --> 00:52:20,280
And we are back from commercial.
Go back.
1269
00:52:21,600 --> 00:52:22,715
Are you the houseboy?
1270
00:52:23,880 --> 00:52:25,632
No, who the hell are you?
1271
00:52:25,720 --> 00:52:27,153
Well, I'm Jesse's father.
1272
00:52:27,240 --> 00:52:28,360
Okay, that's not funny, pal,
1273
00:52:28,400 --> 00:52:30,834
because Jesse's
father and mother
1274
00:52:30,920 --> 00:52:33,388
are in a dementia
facility in Arizona, right?
1275
00:52:33,920 --> 00:52:36,354
Dementia, my butt.
1276
00:52:36,920 --> 00:52:38,239
We live in Texas.
1277
00:52:38,920 --> 00:52:40,920
You're going to tell me
that you're Jesse's mother?
1278
00:52:41,240 --> 00:52:42,275
Oh, yeah.
1279
00:52:42,400 --> 00:52:44,595
Well, who in
the Sam H. are you?
1280
00:52:44,760 --> 00:52:47,593
Well, I am Jesse's husband,
I think.
1281
00:52:47,920 --> 00:52:50,388
Are we on The Jerry Springer
Show right now?
1282
00:52:50,560 --> 00:52:52,152
Are we?
(STUTTERS) Wait, wait, wait.
1283
00:52:52,240 --> 00:52:53,673
Jesse's not married.
1284
00:52:53,760 --> 00:52:55,432
Oh, oh, yes, she is.
1285
00:52:55,560 --> 00:52:57,073
Yes, she is, to me.
1286
00:52:57,200 --> 00:52:58,235
To him.
1287
00:52:59,080 --> 00:53:00,718
Oh, holy hell.
1288
00:53:01,720 --> 00:53:03,915
You've got a towel-head
for a husband?
1289
00:53:04,040 --> 00:53:05,837
I thought you
broke up with him.
1290
00:53:05,920 --> 00:53:09,356
Okay, FYI, towel-head,
super offensive. So...
1291
00:53:09,440 --> 00:53:10,919
It's very offensive.
1292
00:53:11,600 --> 00:53:14,273
You got married and
you didn't tell us?
1293
00:53:14,400 --> 00:53:16,755
So is Gabi and
to a gay person.
1294
00:53:17,000 --> 00:53:19,468
What?
Mom, I'm a gay person.
1295
00:53:19,560 --> 00:53:20,879
She is a gay person.
1296
00:53:20,960 --> 00:53:22,837
Sweet jumpin' Jesus.
1297
00:53:23,120 --> 00:53:24,348
Let's go, Flo.
1298
00:53:24,440 --> 00:53:26,192
There's a whole lot
of life going on here
1299
00:53:26,280 --> 00:53:27,998
that has nothing
to do with us.
1300
00:53:28,120 --> 00:53:30,156
This isn't the surprise
I was looking for.
1301
00:53:30,440 --> 00:53:31,998
You'll be fine
and so will he.
1302
00:53:32,320 --> 00:53:33,514
Oh, thanks, Mom.
1303
00:53:33,640 --> 00:53:35,756
Just get a divorce
before he gets you pregnant.
1304
00:53:35,840 --> 00:53:36,909
EARL: Amen.
1305
00:53:37,000 --> 00:53:38,638
CHARLIE: Tanner needs you,
Uncle Russell.
1306
00:53:39,280 --> 00:53:41,475
Hey, buddy, come here.
1307
00:53:41,800 --> 00:53:43,631
(TANNER MUTTERING)
1308
00:53:44,160 --> 00:53:45,832
Who are they?
1309
00:53:45,920 --> 00:53:47,990
Uh, this is ours. Hi.
1310
00:53:48,160 --> 00:53:49,160
Tanner.
1311
00:53:49,840 --> 00:53:50,955
Can you say hi?
1312
00:53:51,600 --> 00:53:53,079
Say hi, Grandma, hi, Grandpa.
1313
00:53:53,160 --> 00:53:54,160
Yes.
1314
00:53:54,360 --> 00:53:56,351
And, uh, Charlie is my child.
1315
00:53:56,440 --> 00:53:57,793
That I adopted.
1316
00:53:57,960 --> 00:53:59,951
I came from a sperm donor.
That's right.
1317
00:54:00,040 --> 00:54:01,837
He might have been named Steven.
Mmm-hmm.
1318
00:54:03,840 --> 00:54:05,717
Those were your grandparents.
Mmm-hmm?
1319
00:54:06,000 --> 00:54:08,275
And I put on a bra for this?
1320
00:54:10,360 --> 00:54:11,634
(POPPING)
1321
00:54:13,040 --> 00:54:14,040
Oh.
1322
00:54:15,360 --> 00:54:17,316
Look, it's black.
1323
00:54:18,640 --> 00:54:20,756
Oh! Now,
that's the last straw.
1324
00:54:20,840 --> 00:54:21,875
What?
1325
00:54:21,960 --> 00:54:23,029
The tire, it's flat.
Oh.
1326
00:54:24,000 --> 00:54:25,672
Don't worry, Fluffy.
1327
00:54:25,800 --> 00:54:27,279
We'll get it fixed tomorrow.
1328
00:54:27,840 --> 00:54:29,353
The tire, maybe.
1329
00:54:30,000 --> 00:54:31,115
JESSE: You don't need this.
1330
00:54:31,200 --> 00:54:35,557
Look, you told me that your parents
were mentally incapacitated.
1331
00:54:35,680 --> 00:54:37,193
Trust me, they are.
1332
00:54:37,280 --> 00:54:40,511
Oh? They are, and besides,
it was our first date.
1333
00:54:41,000 --> 00:54:43,150
Okay, who doesn't lie
on their first date?
1334
00:54:43,240 --> 00:54:46,312
Oh, really? Well, what about
our second date and 50th date
1335
00:54:46,400 --> 00:54:48,231
and what about the, um...
1336
00:54:48,320 --> 00:54:51,118
Hey! Oh! The time that we
had a child together?
1337
00:54:51,200 --> 00:54:54,636
Do you realize that you lied to me
about your parents?
1338
00:54:54,720 --> 00:54:56,790
I lie to everybody
about my parents.
1339
00:54:56,880 --> 00:54:58,108
Oh, that's reassuring.
1340
00:54:58,200 --> 00:55:00,430
I lie about my horrible
life in that trailer park.
1341
00:55:00,560 --> 00:55:03,393
I was a freshman in high school,
saving every dime that I had
1342
00:55:03,520 --> 00:55:05,511
so that I could
just get out of there.
1343
00:55:05,600 --> 00:55:08,319
No graduation,
cap, gown, on a bus.
1344
00:55:08,400 --> 00:55:10,709
Good, I get it,
you hate your parents.
1345
00:55:10,800 --> 00:55:12,119
No, I don't hate them.
1346
00:55:12,200 --> 00:55:13,840
They're my parents,
so I love them, but...
1347
00:55:14,880 --> 00:55:16,313
Honey, it's not...
1348
00:55:16,400 --> 00:55:18,755
It's just that they're
wrong about so much
1349
00:55:18,880 --> 00:55:21,269
and they're wrong
about how they treat people,
1350
00:55:21,400 --> 00:55:23,576
they're wrong about how they
honor people's differences...
1351
00:55:23,600 --> 00:55:25,033
You know what's
the worst part,
1352
00:55:25,120 --> 00:55:26,917
is that you lied
to them about me.
1353
00:55:27,080 --> 00:55:30,256
(IN AN INDIAN ACCENT) Why? Because it's so
terrible to be married to a towel-head!
1354
00:55:30,280 --> 00:55:31,315
(VOCALIZING)
1355
00:55:31,400 --> 00:55:32,992
How embarrassing for you.
1356
00:55:33,080 --> 00:55:35,071
Yeah, they should have
called me Dr. Towel-Head.
1357
00:55:35,160 --> 00:55:36,160
Where are you going?
1358
00:55:38,400 --> 00:55:39,400
Ready?
1359
00:55:41,080 --> 00:55:42,433
(GROANING)
Good.
1360
00:55:42,800 --> 00:55:44,438
(CONTINUES GROANING)
1361
00:55:45,600 --> 00:55:46,635
Okay.
1362
00:55:46,760 --> 00:55:47,909
Good!
1363
00:55:48,000 --> 00:55:49,035
How'd I do?
1364
00:55:49,120 --> 00:55:51,270
Amazing. You were so good.
Yeah. Yeah.
1365
00:55:51,360 --> 00:55:52,509
It was really...
Help?
1366
00:55:52,600 --> 00:55:54,158
Oh, oh, sorry, sorry.
1367
00:55:54,280 --> 00:55:55,998
Um, I think
I'm going to go to yoga.
1368
00:55:56,120 --> 00:55:57,120
Yeah, yeah, please.
1369
00:55:57,200 --> 00:55:59,236
No, yeah,
a little safer, I guess.
1370
00:56:00,120 --> 00:56:03,430
Hey, look,
I need your guys' help.
1371
00:56:03,560 --> 00:56:04,560
Oh!
1372
00:56:04,880 --> 00:56:06,598
Yeah, we've got
the perfect girl for you.
1373
00:56:06,680 --> 00:56:08,033
No, no, no, not that.
1374
00:56:08,120 --> 00:56:09,758
Look, um,
I want to know everything
1375
00:56:09,840 --> 00:56:11,432
you guys know
about this Tommy kid.
1376
00:56:11,640 --> 00:56:13,949
I like his mother, Denise.
I know!
1377
00:56:14,040 --> 00:56:15,917
She's always
volunteering for school.
1378
00:56:16,000 --> 00:56:17,228
That's nice.
1379
00:56:17,320 --> 00:56:19,436
Her banana bread is nothing
to write home about.
1380
00:56:19,560 --> 00:56:20,709
It's dry on a good day.
1381
00:56:20,800 --> 00:56:23,360
Okay, I don't need you talking
trash about her bake sale goods.
1382
00:56:23,480 --> 00:56:26,199
Look, I want to know,
should I let her date him?
1383
00:56:26,280 --> 00:56:27,713
Do you have a choice?
1384
00:56:28,120 --> 00:56:29,320
SANDY: Where's the yoga class?
1385
00:56:29,360 --> 00:56:31,240
MAN: It's right over there.
It starts at 10:00.
1386
00:56:31,480 --> 00:56:32,674
Sorry.
1387
00:56:37,640 --> 00:56:38,789
Where's he going?
1388
00:56:42,160 --> 00:56:43,798
Hey, what are you
doing back there?
1389
00:56:44,120 --> 00:56:45,951
Uh... Just checking your form.
1390
00:56:46,040 --> 00:56:47,109
It's good. Nice job.
1391
00:56:47,200 --> 00:56:48,280
LADY: Buns of steel, right?
1392
00:56:48,640 --> 00:56:51,791
No, no, no. Yeah, I have a choice, okay?
I'm her father.
1393
00:56:51,880 --> 00:56:54,235
Hmm. If you say no,
they start rebelling,
1394
00:56:54,320 --> 00:56:56,276
start telling lies
and keeping secrets.
1395
00:56:56,360 --> 00:56:58,112
Sneaking out, running away.
1396
00:56:58,200 --> 00:57:01,795
Yeah, it could lead to meth,
prostitution and possibly dating a drummer.
1397
00:57:01,920 --> 00:57:03,558
Okay, look, that's not
helpful right now.
1398
00:57:03,680 --> 00:57:06,752
I want to know one thing,
is he a nice boy or not a nice boy?
1399
00:57:06,840 --> 00:57:09,149
That's it.
All redheads are nice.
1400
00:57:09,880 --> 00:57:11,552
I think he's a nice boy.
Yeah.
1401
00:57:12,440 --> 00:57:13,759
He's all right.
1402
00:57:13,840 --> 00:57:15,353
So, what about Mother's Day?
1403
00:57:16,720 --> 00:57:18,119
Uh, I'll be back.
1404
00:57:20,000 --> 00:57:21,120
KRISTIN: Sleep tight, Katie.
1405
00:57:21,720 --> 00:57:25,030
All right,
finally got her down to sleep
1406
00:57:25,120 --> 00:57:27,350
just in time for
you to take her home.
1407
00:57:29,120 --> 00:57:32,874
Hello, I'm sensing
some disappointment.
1408
00:57:33,640 --> 00:57:35,915
I would have heard back
from the club by now.
1409
00:57:36,000 --> 00:57:37,877
I don't get it.
I thought I killed.
1410
00:57:37,960 --> 00:57:41,270
I'm sure you murdered,
destroyed, annihilated.
1411
00:57:41,760 --> 00:57:44,479
I must have been better
than the girl with the banjo.
1412
00:57:44,560 --> 00:57:48,394
Hey, you are the most
talented comic in this town.
1413
00:57:50,560 --> 00:57:52,471
We open in 10 minutes, people.
1414
00:57:52,560 --> 00:57:54,710
Sh... What are you, Shorty?
1415
00:57:54,800 --> 00:57:57,030
No, I'm just yelling for two.
Ah.
1416
00:57:57,960 --> 00:57:59,109
Oh, oh...
1417
00:57:59,200 --> 00:58:02,431
Um, Zack, is there any way that
you can watch Katie tomorrow?
1418
00:58:02,560 --> 00:58:04,915
I told Val that I'd take her
to a doctor's appointment.
1419
00:58:05,080 --> 00:58:08,914
You're taking me to
my doctor's appointment. Yup.
1420
00:58:09,080 --> 00:58:10,877
A llama? I would love... Yes.
1421
00:58:10,960 --> 00:58:12,598
They would love that.
1422
00:58:12,720 --> 00:58:14,256
Okay. Oh, sorry.
You know what? (PHONE RINGING)
1423
00:58:14,280 --> 00:58:16,919
Can I call you right back?
I have to call you right back.
1424
00:58:17,000 --> 00:58:18,069
Thank you.
1425
00:58:18,960 --> 00:58:22,396
Hey, Jesse! Honey, I need you to come
over Saturday morning with Tanner.
1426
00:58:22,480 --> 00:58:24,516
Well, I'm having
a small party for the kids.
1427
00:58:24,600 --> 00:58:26,120
Don't you think
they would like a llama
1428
00:58:26,200 --> 00:58:27,736
way more than they'd
like the Foo Fighters?
1429
00:58:27,760 --> 00:58:28,875
I mean, come on.
1430
00:58:29,640 --> 00:58:30,959
(MOANING SOFTLY)
1431
00:58:34,520 --> 00:58:38,274
FLO: Earl, I'm looking at the
girls when they were younger.
1432
00:58:38,440 --> 00:58:40,908
Loving can hurt
1433
00:58:42,600 --> 00:58:45,433
Loving can hurt sometimes
1434
00:58:47,160 --> 00:58:51,790
But it's the only
thing that I know
1435
00:58:57,240 --> 00:58:59,879
We keep this love
in a photograph
1436
00:59:01,640 --> 00:59:04,950
We made these memories
for ourselves
1437
00:59:05,040 --> 00:59:07,315
Where our eyes
are never closing
1438
00:59:07,400 --> 00:59:09,595
Hearts are never broken
1439
00:59:09,680 --> 00:59:12,672
Time's forever frozen still
1440
00:59:20,920 --> 00:59:24,799
I will remember
how you kissed me
1441
00:59:25,160 --> 00:59:29,233
Under the lamppost
Back on 6th street
1442
00:59:29,480 --> 00:59:32,313
Hearing you whisper
through the phone
1443
00:59:33,800 --> 00:59:36,234
"Wait for me
to come home"
1444
00:59:38,600 --> 00:59:41,478
(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
1445
00:59:42,400 --> 00:59:45,392
DJ: Hello, everybody!
Welcome to Sandy's party!
1446
00:59:45,480 --> 00:59:46,913
All right!
1447
00:59:47,000 --> 00:59:49,195
We've got Bella
the Balloon Lady,
1448
00:59:49,280 --> 00:59:51,430
we've got Marty,
the animal wrangler!
1449
00:59:51,520 --> 00:59:54,751
Hi! We've got
Pinwheel painting faces,
1450
00:59:54,840 --> 00:59:56,910
and a big slide!
1451
00:59:58,160 --> 00:59:59,559
Wow.
Hi.
1452
00:59:59,840 --> 01:00:00,989
(CHUCKLING)
1453
01:00:01,400 --> 01:00:02,753
This is something.
1454
01:00:02,840 --> 01:00:04,831
Yeah, I don't know
what happened.
1455
01:00:04,920 --> 01:00:07,195
I just called to rent
Bella the Balloon Lady,
1456
01:00:07,280 --> 01:00:08,536
and I just couldn't
stop saying yes.
1457
01:00:08,560 --> 01:00:09,788
No, no, I like it.
1458
01:00:09,920 --> 01:00:11,416
And then all of this.
TANNER: Can we go see the llama?
1459
01:00:11,440 --> 01:00:13,351
Yeah, why don't you go.
1460
01:00:13,440 --> 01:00:14,759
Let me talk to Sandy.
1461
01:00:14,880 --> 01:00:16,199
Go to the petting
zoo, honey.
1462
01:00:16,280 --> 01:00:17,474
Tortoises, bunnies...
1463
01:00:17,560 --> 01:00:18,993
Come on, Tanner.
1464
01:00:19,080 --> 01:00:20,800
So, you have not
heard from Russell? (SIGHS)
1465
01:00:20,880 --> 01:00:24,429
Not a peep, radio silence.
1466
01:00:24,880 --> 01:00:27,030
Oh, God. I'm so sorry.
1467
01:00:27,720 --> 01:00:29,676
Well, at least you
have Tanner, you know?
1468
01:00:30,040 --> 01:00:31,040
He won't bite.
1469
01:00:31,280 --> 01:00:33,157
Of course, until the day
that you get a divorce
1470
01:00:33,240 --> 01:00:35,800
and then you have to have
that 50/50 shared custody
1471
01:00:35,880 --> 01:00:37,632
and then it's just,
like, hell.
1472
01:00:38,800 --> 01:00:40,711
That's my life.
Wait a second.
1473
01:00:40,800 --> 01:00:42,240
That's not your life,
that's my life.
1474
01:00:43,280 --> 01:00:44,872
Indians don't
really get divorced.
1475
01:00:47,120 --> 01:00:48,599
Tire's good.
1476
01:00:48,720 --> 01:00:50,073
I'm all packed.
1477
01:00:50,640 --> 01:00:55,475
Now, we can put a whole lot of
gone between us and these, uh...
1478
01:00:56,560 --> 01:00:57,913
These, uh...
1479
01:00:59,440 --> 01:01:00,475
Oh!
1480
01:01:00,560 --> 01:01:02,039
Hot damn!
1481
01:01:02,120 --> 01:01:03,792
FLO: What is it, Earl?
1482
01:01:03,920 --> 01:01:07,071
Someone stole
my ignition fuse!
1483
01:01:07,320 --> 01:01:09,390
What are we going to do now?
(EARL GROANS)
1484
01:01:09,600 --> 01:01:10,600
(GURGLES)
1485
01:01:11,720 --> 01:01:14,951
There's a Pep Boys
about a mile back.
1486
01:01:16,160 --> 01:01:18,196
I'm going to start walking.
1487
01:01:24,840 --> 01:01:26,956
(KIDS CHEERING)
Yeah!
1488
01:01:27,160 --> 01:01:28,479
Can I ride the llama?
1489
01:01:28,600 --> 01:01:30,477
No.
How about the alpaca?
1490
01:01:30,600 --> 01:01:31,635
It's a fun party.
1491
01:01:31,760 --> 01:01:33,336
Can you open this, Sam?
Yeah, we can't open...
1492
01:01:33,360 --> 01:01:35,237
Sure.
(GASPS) (POPS)
1493
01:01:46,680 --> 01:01:48,113
(KID SQUEALING)
1494
01:01:53,120 --> 01:01:54,120
(HONKS HORN)
1495
01:01:54,240 --> 01:01:55,389
Yeah, hey,
how are you doing?
1496
01:01:55,640 --> 01:01:57,976
(IN ITALIAN ACCENT) Hey, I'm doing good.
You like some spaghetti?
1497
01:01:58,000 --> 01:01:59,035
I'm good, thanks.
1498
01:02:02,360 --> 01:02:04,237
You don't like
any spaghetti.
1499
01:02:04,360 --> 01:02:05,679
Back up, Bozo.
1500
01:02:05,760 --> 01:02:07,637
Oh.
The fireworks arrived.
1501
01:02:07,720 --> 01:02:09,950
So, I'm going to
go check on Tanner.
1502
01:02:12,320 --> 01:02:14,629
Sandy, what's going on?
Yeah. Hey.
1503
01:02:15,680 --> 01:02:17,159
Oh, I so...
1504
01:02:17,240 --> 01:02:19,708
I'm so sorry.
I completely lost track of time.
1505
01:02:19,800 --> 01:02:21,313
I'm supposed to
drop the boys off.
1506
01:02:21,480 --> 01:02:23,232
I'm so sorry.
What is all this?
1507
01:02:24,000 --> 01:02:25,956
It's a party.
For what?
1508
01:02:26,480 --> 01:02:29,790
For fun, on a Saturday...
For fun on a Saturday,
1509
01:02:29,880 --> 01:02:30,976
a party for fun
on a Saturday.
1510
01:02:31,000 --> 01:02:32,718
This is completely
unlike you.
1511
01:02:32,840 --> 01:02:34,336
What do you mean?
It feels totally like me.
1512
01:02:34,360 --> 01:02:35,918
This is completely
irresponsible.
1513
01:02:36,000 --> 01:02:38,514
Irresponsible?
I'm irresponsible?
1514
01:02:40,000 --> 01:02:41,240
You can call me
a lot of things,
1515
01:02:41,360 --> 01:02:42,800
but irresponsible
is not one of them.
1516
01:02:42,840 --> 01:02:44,176
Listen to me,
when was the last time
1517
01:02:44,200 --> 01:02:45,553
you took the kids
to a dentist?
1518
01:02:47,040 --> 01:02:48,075
Huh?
1519
01:02:48,200 --> 01:02:50,031
Or to go buy them,
you know, school supplies
1520
01:02:50,200 --> 01:02:53,192
or one of the gazillion
things that I do?
1521
01:02:53,280 --> 01:02:55,271
Oh, that's right.
Never.
1522
01:02:57,440 --> 01:03:00,352
You have a parental
and legal responsibility
1523
01:03:00,440 --> 01:03:03,273
to drop the kids off
at the designated time.
1524
01:03:03,360 --> 01:03:04,634
Today is Saturday.
1525
01:03:04,720 --> 01:03:06,517
We have them at noon.
1526
01:03:07,720 --> 01:03:10,712
You have them tomorrow
on Mother's Day.
1527
01:03:11,240 --> 01:03:12,936
HENRY: Let's go, Mikey, time to go.
Do we have to?
1528
01:03:12,960 --> 01:03:15,030
Yes, now, we do.
Where's your brother? (SQUEALING)
1529
01:03:15,120 --> 01:03:17,076
He's on the slide.
Go get your stuff.
1530
01:03:18,480 --> 01:03:20,550
Peter. Let's go.
1531
01:03:20,640 --> 01:03:21,789
Get down here
right now.
1532
01:03:21,880 --> 01:03:24,110
No way, I'm not leaving.
Mom said we can have fun.
1533
01:03:24,200 --> 01:03:26,176
I don't care what your mom said.
I'm in charge now.
1534
01:03:26,200 --> 01:03:27,936
I'm going to count to three
and then I'm coming up there,
1535
01:03:27,960 --> 01:03:29,552
one, two, three.
Here I come.
1536
01:03:29,640 --> 01:03:30,709
I'm coming up.
1537
01:03:31,080 --> 01:03:33,150
Hey. Come on,
Peter. Peter!
1538
01:03:36,240 --> 01:03:37,468
Got to catch me first.
1539
01:03:42,360 --> 01:03:43,395
Go get your stuff!
1540
01:03:45,240 --> 01:03:46,355
HENRY: Hey, get your stuff.
1541
01:03:46,440 --> 01:03:48,056
Oh, sweetie, I wouldn't
touch that if I were... That...
1542
01:03:48,080 --> 01:03:49,479
But I like orange.
1543
01:03:49,640 --> 01:03:50,755
Damn it, Peter.
1544
01:03:50,840 --> 01:03:51,909
Hey, we've got to go.
1545
01:03:52,000 --> 01:03:54,878
Oh, well, in that case,
sure, you know, go ahead.
1546
01:03:56,760 --> 01:03:58,079
(DEFLATES)
What the...
1547
01:03:58,240 --> 01:03:59,240
Yo!
1548
01:04:02,280 --> 01:04:03,395
HENRY: Hello!
1549
01:04:03,480 --> 01:04:05,630
(GASPS)
Hey! This thing is... God.
1550
01:04:06,160 --> 01:04:07,479
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
1551
01:04:16,520 --> 01:04:17,936
Welcome to the book
signing, everyone.
1552
01:04:17,960 --> 01:04:19,996
We're here because there's
so few book stores left,
1553
01:04:20,080 --> 01:04:21,176
but there will
always be books.
1554
01:04:21,200 --> 01:04:22,474
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
1555
01:04:23,760 --> 01:04:25,273
Thank you very much.
1556
01:04:25,680 --> 01:04:26,856
MIRANDA: Who shall I
make it out to?
1557
01:04:26,880 --> 01:04:28,359
Rory Schroeder.
1558
01:04:28,600 --> 01:04:29,600
Rory.
1559
01:04:29,680 --> 01:04:32,035
Every piece of jewelry I own
is from your collection.
1560
01:04:32,120 --> 01:04:34,031
I love them,
and so does Jerald.
1561
01:04:34,120 --> 01:04:35,758
But they look
better on me. (CHUCKLES)
1562
01:04:36,640 --> 01:04:37,959
Who shall I make it out to?
1563
01:04:40,040 --> 01:04:41,109
Your daughter.
1564
01:04:43,600 --> 01:04:44,715
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
1565
01:04:49,160 --> 01:04:51,310
So, tell me,
why now?
1566
01:04:53,240 --> 01:04:55,231
Well, I just thought
because she was in Atlanta,
1567
01:04:55,320 --> 01:04:57,515
it would be a good time.
1568
01:04:57,640 --> 01:04:58,640
I see.
1569
01:04:58,720 --> 01:05:01,176
You know, you're the fourth person
to say they're her daughter.
1570
01:05:01,200 --> 01:05:04,476
Of course, after Forbes
listed Miranda as the top 50
1571
01:05:04,560 --> 01:05:07,597
female entrepreneurs
in this country, how convenient.
1572
01:05:08,840 --> 01:05:09,989
I have this.
1573
01:05:14,480 --> 01:05:17,631
Anybody could have forged
this and even if it's real,
1574
01:05:17,720 --> 01:05:19,360
you're not going to get
a dime out of her.
1575
01:05:21,880 --> 01:05:24,235
Okay, this was
a mistake. I...
1576
01:05:25,840 --> 01:05:27,096
Could you please
just let her know
1577
01:05:27,120 --> 01:05:29,953
that I never wanted
anything from her?
1578
01:05:33,000 --> 01:05:34,000
(SIGHS)
1579
01:05:38,760 --> 01:05:40,478
Well, that was historic.
1580
01:05:40,560 --> 01:05:43,358
That was a historic
disaster.
1581
01:05:43,520 --> 01:05:44,520
(CHUCKLES)
1582
01:05:45,400 --> 01:05:46,400
Oh...
1583
01:05:48,280 --> 01:05:50,748
I mean, this is
all so stupid.
1584
01:05:50,880 --> 01:05:52,472
This is so stupid.
1585
01:05:52,560 --> 01:05:54,516
Look at all this.
What am I doing?
1586
01:05:54,600 --> 01:05:56,192
I mean, you know...
1587
01:05:57,400 --> 01:05:59,311
Ugh, I feel like
such an idiot.
1588
01:05:59,400 --> 01:06:02,392
So, what I'm basically doing
is I'm trying to compete
1589
01:06:02,560 --> 01:06:05,552
with my ex-husband
and a 20-year-old.
1590
01:06:05,640 --> 01:06:08,552
That just makes a lot
of sense, right, Jess?
1591
01:06:09,400 --> 01:06:10,833
It's stupid.
1592
01:06:10,920 --> 01:06:12,399
You know what it is?
1593
01:06:13,880 --> 01:06:16,872
I just...
I just hate feeling so replaceable.
1594
01:06:18,720 --> 01:06:19,994
Well, sadly we all are.
1595
01:06:20,120 --> 01:06:22,588
Oh, geez, you scared
the crap out of me.
1596
01:06:23,160 --> 01:06:24,354
I mean, we're
all replaceable.
1597
01:06:24,440 --> 01:06:27,398
For every professional clown,
there's 100 hacks with a red nose and a wig
1598
01:06:27,480 --> 01:06:28,480
waiting to do the job.
1599
01:06:29,160 --> 01:06:31,310
Yeah, I understand.
Thanks, clown.
1600
01:06:31,640 --> 01:06:32,709
Jesse?
1601
01:06:32,920 --> 01:06:35,354
There's no way that the bond
you have with your kids
1602
01:06:35,440 --> 01:06:36,919
can ever be broken.
1603
01:06:37,000 --> 01:06:38,296
I mean, there's
no contest, right?
1604
01:06:38,320 --> 01:06:40,356
You're their mom.
Mmm-hmm.
1605
01:06:40,560 --> 01:06:41,595
Oh, let me help.
1606
01:06:42,680 --> 01:06:43,680
Oh...
1607
01:06:44,880 --> 01:06:47,075
Thank... Okay.
(CHUCKLES)
1608
01:06:49,760 --> 01:06:50,988
Yeah? See?
1609
01:06:51,080 --> 01:06:54,072
It's this, I get it,
never-ending scarf bit.
1610
01:06:54,520 --> 01:06:55,714
(LAUGHS)
1611
01:06:55,920 --> 01:06:58,096
Yeah, it's the first time you
got to use this one today, huh?
1612
01:06:58,120 --> 01:06:59,519
(CHUCKLES)
Ah...
1613
01:06:59,600 --> 01:07:01,511
Got a smile from you.
That's great.
1614
01:07:01,600 --> 01:07:03,192
Do you mind if I rub...
1615
01:07:03,280 --> 01:07:04,679
Please.
Thank you very much.
1616
01:07:04,760 --> 01:07:06,416
It's always the traditional
things that work,
1617
01:07:06,440 --> 01:07:08,158
the bottomless
sleeve hanky,
1618
01:07:08,240 --> 01:07:10,196
the bottomless
cup of coffee,
1619
01:07:10,280 --> 01:07:12,589
the bottomless love
from a mother to her kids.
1620
01:07:13,520 --> 01:07:17,035
They know it's there.
Sometimes they just take it for granted.
1621
01:07:17,520 --> 01:07:18,520
Yeah.
1622
01:07:18,600 --> 01:07:19,919
So what if
the other girl is 20,
1623
01:07:20,000 --> 01:07:22,275
has great skin and probably
looks insane in a bikini?
1624
01:07:22,720 --> 01:07:24,915
Okay, that's good,
I get it.
1625
01:07:25,000 --> 01:07:26,080
Nice pep talk there, clown.
1626
01:07:26,320 --> 01:07:27,355
(CHUCKLES)
1627
01:07:27,440 --> 01:07:28,714
Thank you, clown.
1628
01:07:28,800 --> 01:07:32,236
Never thought I'd ever hear myself
say that, but thank you, clown.
1629
01:07:32,320 --> 01:07:33,594
My pleasure.
1630
01:07:34,120 --> 01:07:35,314
(HONKS HORN)
1631
01:07:38,120 --> 01:07:39,120
Mmm.
1632
01:07:39,240 --> 01:07:41,629
A heart-to-heart with a clown.
1633
01:07:42,640 --> 01:07:44,631
There was not
a soul to see that.
1634
01:07:44,720 --> 01:07:47,314
He could have murdered me.
Okay.
1635
01:07:47,480 --> 01:07:50,074
Jesse, you home?
1636
01:07:51,320 --> 01:07:53,151
Hey, I'm getting a beer!
1637
01:07:53,680 --> 01:07:55,318
(LAPTOP CHIMING)
1638
01:08:00,320 --> 01:08:02,311
Hello. Who are you?
1639
01:08:02,920 --> 01:08:04,353
Well, who are you?
1640
01:08:04,480 --> 01:08:06,550
Sonia, mother of Russell.
1641
01:08:07,400 --> 01:08:10,836
Yeah, well, I'm Florence,
mother of Jesse.
1642
01:08:11,240 --> 01:08:12,240
(GASPS)
1643
01:08:12,360 --> 01:08:15,352
Florence, nice to meet you!
1644
01:08:15,760 --> 01:08:17,637
(LAUGHS)
1645
01:08:17,840 --> 01:08:20,638
Ugh, I heard about your
surprise drop-in.
1646
01:08:20,720 --> 01:08:22,233
Are you okay?
1647
01:08:22,320 --> 01:08:23,673
I think so.
1648
01:08:25,440 --> 01:08:26,668
I'm not real sure.
1649
01:08:26,760 --> 01:08:27,760
Are you having a beer?
1650
01:08:28,280 --> 01:08:29,349
Yeah.
1651
01:08:29,800 --> 01:08:30,869
I think I'll join you.
1652
01:08:34,920 --> 01:08:36,114
To say the truth,
1653
01:08:36,240 --> 01:08:38,708
when Russell told me he was
in love with a white girl,
1654
01:08:38,880 --> 01:08:40,279
I wanted to punch a wall.
1655
01:08:40,360 --> 01:08:42,032
Well, at least
you knew about it.
1656
01:08:42,160 --> 01:08:43,275
And then they eloped
1657
01:08:43,360 --> 01:08:45,096
and they didn't even
invite me to the wedding.
1658
01:08:45,120 --> 01:08:46,394
They didn't even tell me.
1659
01:08:46,520 --> 01:08:49,398
Yeah, well, I'm double spitting
just thinking about it.
1660
01:08:51,360 --> 01:08:54,079
Thought I was finished with them,
(SIGHS)
1661
01:08:54,160 --> 01:08:55,388
but they're my baby girls.
1662
01:08:56,800 --> 01:09:01,510
But, Florence, have you
seen our grandchild? Oh...
1663
01:09:01,800 --> 01:09:04,109
I get why they
call him Tanner.
1664
01:09:04,240 --> 01:09:05,832
He's a little dark.
1665
01:09:06,560 --> 01:09:08,471
I think he's a little light.
1666
01:09:08,880 --> 01:09:10,472
Hey, what time
is it in India?
1667
01:09:10,560 --> 01:09:12,312
India? Who knows.
1668
01:09:12,400 --> 01:09:14,231
I live here in Las Vegas.
1669
01:09:14,320 --> 01:09:18,518
No taxes, and I play
the slots anytime I want.
1670
01:09:18,720 --> 01:09:20,472
Hey, smart move.
1671
01:09:20,560 --> 01:09:22,630
Plus, you can drive 20
miles in any direction
1672
01:09:22,760 --> 01:09:25,069
and find some sand
when you get homesick, right?
1673
01:09:25,240 --> 01:09:28,710
I don't get that joke,
but it sounds racist, and funny.
1674
01:09:28,800 --> 01:09:30,279
(LAUGHS)
1675
01:09:30,360 --> 01:09:31,360
(FLO CHUCKLES)
1676
01:09:37,920 --> 01:09:39,035
Hi, Grandma!
1677
01:09:39,520 --> 01:09:40,714
Hey.
1678
01:09:40,800 --> 01:09:42,760
Could you watch Tanner a minute?
I have to go pee.
1679
01:09:43,240 --> 01:09:44,992
(STAMMERS)
Thank you.
1680
01:09:48,000 --> 01:09:49,592
(DOOR CLOSES)
(SIGHS)
1681
01:10:02,840 --> 01:10:04,273
Here we go!
1682
01:10:06,120 --> 01:10:07,269
(GRUNTS SOFTLY)
1683
01:10:11,040 --> 01:10:13,315
I think you look
a little like me.
1684
01:10:13,440 --> 01:10:14,589
(SPEAKS GIBBERISH)
1685
01:10:14,680 --> 01:10:15,680
Uh-huh.
1686
01:10:15,880 --> 01:10:17,359
Yes, you do.
1687
01:10:17,480 --> 01:10:19,198
I think you do.
1688
01:10:19,280 --> 01:10:22,238
You look just like
me in the summertime.
1689
01:10:27,640 --> 01:10:29,471
(WHISTLE BLARING)
1690
01:10:34,840 --> 01:10:36,159
(MUSIC PLAYING)
1691
01:10:37,960 --> 01:10:39,296
Lakens, thank you
so much for coming.
1692
01:10:39,320 --> 01:10:40,639
We'll see you next time.
1693
01:10:41,320 --> 01:10:43,151
Well, everything
looks good here.
1694
01:10:43,240 --> 01:10:45,754
Will you be joining us for
tomorrow's Mother's Day brunch?
1695
01:10:45,840 --> 01:10:47,353
No, I'm working.
Oh...
1696
01:10:47,560 --> 01:10:48,754
Are you a mom?
1697
01:10:49,400 --> 01:10:50,435
No.
1698
01:10:51,320 --> 01:10:54,630
(CHUCKLES) I don't suppose you'd like
a complimentary mum for Mum's Day?
1699
01:10:55,320 --> 01:10:56,389
No.
1700
01:10:57,800 --> 01:10:59,756
If you need anything,
just ask.
1701
01:11:02,920 --> 01:11:05,673
I'm sorry to interrupt
your dinner, my dear.
1702
01:11:08,360 --> 01:11:09,360
(CHUCKLES)
1703
01:11:09,600 --> 01:11:11,431
Fried green tomatoes.
1704
01:11:11,840 --> 01:11:15,310
Lance, you're my agent and I love you,
which is an oxymoron,
1705
01:11:15,400 --> 01:11:18,631
but if you are here for
some philosophical chat,
1706
01:11:18,720 --> 01:11:21,154
short, short would
be good here.
1707
01:11:21,680 --> 01:11:25,673
Yes, you know me as Lance Wallace,
agent to the stars.
1708
01:11:25,880 --> 01:11:27,359
You used to have
big stars.
1709
01:11:27,440 --> 01:11:28,600
(SOFTLY)
Now you just have me.
1710
01:11:29,280 --> 01:11:30,280
Mmm.
1711
01:11:30,440 --> 01:11:33,193
But you really know
I was born in the Bronx
1712
01:11:33,280 --> 01:11:35,669
and my name was
Ramone Navarro,
1713
01:11:36,360 --> 01:11:39,716
who collected empty soda
bottles to get money to eat.
1714
01:11:41,160 --> 01:11:44,709
We are who the world thinks we
are and sometimes, we're not.
1715
01:11:45,240 --> 01:11:47,435
We decide who we are,
1716
01:11:47,520 --> 01:11:50,512
when we want and
who we want to know.
1717
01:11:52,600 --> 01:11:54,113
Or is it whom?
1718
01:11:55,400 --> 01:11:56,719
Are you done, Ramone?
1719
01:11:58,080 --> 01:11:59,479
Just doing my job,
to make sure
1720
01:11:59,560 --> 01:12:02,632
that nothing lowers
the kilowatts on that smile.
1721
01:12:03,600 --> 01:12:04,600
Hmm.
1722
01:12:06,600 --> 01:12:09,717
Oh, you're right, you're right,
that is the salad fork.
1723
01:12:19,520 --> 01:12:21,320
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
ZACK: Hey, change of plan.
1724
01:12:21,360 --> 01:12:22,509
I got the call.
1725
01:12:22,600 --> 01:12:23,736
One of the girls
had to pull out.
1726
01:12:23,760 --> 01:12:26,228
She got a comedy
series for NBC.
1727
01:12:26,360 --> 01:12:27,918
It'll probably be canceled,
but anyway,
1728
01:12:28,000 --> 01:12:29,479
I'm in the final tonight.
1729
01:12:29,560 --> 01:12:30,629
Where are you?
1730
01:12:30,720 --> 01:12:32,073
I've got Katie.
1731
01:12:32,200 --> 01:12:33,269
She's fine.
1732
01:12:34,000 --> 01:12:35,000
Bye.
1733
01:12:35,120 --> 01:12:36,560
ANNOUNCER: Good stuff.
Okay, next up.
1734
01:12:36,640 --> 01:12:38,232
(MUSIC PLAYING)
1735
01:12:40,920 --> 01:12:43,115
Good night.
1736
01:12:45,760 --> 01:12:46,760
Oh...
1737
01:12:47,960 --> 01:12:49,871
I shouldn't be watching this.
1738
01:12:53,000 --> 01:12:54,149
Good night.
1739
01:12:54,600 --> 01:12:55,635
(SIGHS)
1740
01:12:56,440 --> 01:12:59,113
Good night.
Yeah, yeah, good night.
1741
01:13:02,800 --> 01:13:03,800
(SIGHS)
1742
01:13:09,960 --> 01:13:11,279
Good night.
1743
01:13:12,480 --> 01:13:13,480
(SQUEALS SOFTLY)
1744
01:13:17,000 --> 01:13:18,274
(CAR PASSES)
(DOOR OPENS)
1745
01:13:19,440 --> 01:13:20,440
(DOOR CLOSES)
1746
01:13:20,760 --> 01:13:21,760
I'm home.
1747
01:13:21,840 --> 01:13:23,193
Well, how...
1748
01:13:24,800 --> 01:13:26,074
Good night.
1749
01:13:27,120 --> 01:13:28,120
(SCOFFS SOFTLY)
1750
01:13:31,760 --> 01:13:33,591
You used to say good night.
1751
01:13:34,640 --> 01:13:37,473
It'd take you hours
to say good night, actually.
1752
01:13:38,840 --> 01:13:40,159
(SIGHS)
1753
01:13:40,480 --> 01:13:42,038
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
1754
01:13:42,320 --> 01:13:44,515
ZACK: Hey, honey,
where are you?
1755
01:13:44,600 --> 01:13:46,079
I'm getting worried.
1756
01:13:46,520 --> 01:13:49,432
If you're thinking
of splitting, please don't.
1757
01:13:50,200 --> 01:13:53,510
Let's just keep loving
each other and Katie.
1758
01:13:56,320 --> 01:13:57,833
I don't want to marry you.
1759
01:13:58,240 --> 01:14:00,435
I mean, I do
want to marry you,
1760
01:14:00,520 --> 01:14:02,670
but we don't
have to get married.
1761
01:14:02,760 --> 01:14:04,955
If you get this,
please come to the club.
1762
01:14:05,040 --> 01:14:06,359
I love you.
1763
01:14:08,120 --> 01:14:09,120
(BEEPS)
1764
01:14:09,200 --> 01:14:11,589
ANNOUNCER: This competition
is worth $5,000.
1765
01:14:11,680 --> 01:14:14,797
Zack Zim, you're in
the finals, by default.
1766
01:14:14,880 --> 01:14:16,836
Good for you.
Aw...
1767
01:14:18,200 --> 01:14:21,237
That is the most adorable
baby I've ever seen.
1768
01:14:21,320 --> 01:14:23,240
Would you be able to watch
her while I do my set?
1769
01:14:23,280 --> 01:14:24,508
No.
1770
01:14:24,920 --> 01:14:27,354
Welcome to the stage,
Zack Zim.
1771
01:14:27,880 --> 01:14:30,016
Zack Zim, he's very...
Oh, that's you. (AUDIENCE CHEERING)
1772
01:14:30,040 --> 01:14:31,632
All right, go on
out there, kid.
1773
01:14:31,720 --> 01:14:33,720
Come on, I'm rooting for you.
I'll be out in front.
1774
01:14:38,680 --> 01:14:40,557
Uh... (CHUCKLES)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
1775
01:14:40,640 --> 01:14:41,789
Hello.
(CHUCKLES)
1776
01:14:42,680 --> 01:14:43,680
Um...
1777
01:14:43,840 --> 01:14:45,319
So, I'm Zack.
1778
01:14:45,520 --> 01:14:47,556
Uh, this is Katie.
1779
01:14:48,400 --> 01:14:50,038
Say hi.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
1780
01:14:50,720 --> 01:14:52,312
She's a bit shy.
1781
01:14:53,200 --> 01:14:56,715
I'll just say this from the get-go,
this wasn't planned.
1782
01:14:57,760 --> 01:14:59,320
Coming out here with
her wasn't planned,
1783
01:14:59,400 --> 01:15:01,391
not she wasn't planned,
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
1784
01:15:01,520 --> 01:15:04,239
although to be fair,
you were a little bit of a surprise.
1785
01:15:04,360 --> 01:15:05,395
Didn't like that joke.
1786
01:15:05,680 --> 01:15:06,908
(LAUGHTER)
1787
01:15:07,920 --> 01:15:08,920
Uh...
1788
01:15:10,240 --> 01:15:12,993
So, does anyone in
here have a baby?
1789
01:15:14,600 --> 01:15:16,511
No, obviously you don't.
1790
01:15:16,600 --> 01:15:18,431
You're here having a life.
1791
01:15:18,560 --> 01:15:19,879
(ALL LAUGHING)
(BABY CRYING)
1792
01:15:20,000 --> 01:15:22,275
No, don't cry, stop crying.
1793
01:15:23,680 --> 01:15:25,113
Five grand at stake.
1794
01:15:26,400 --> 01:15:28,277
Mate, would you mind
holding her for a sec?
1795
01:15:29,520 --> 01:15:30,589
What's your name, pal?
1796
01:15:30,680 --> 01:15:31,680
Tiny.
1797
01:15:31,760 --> 01:15:33,016
Tiny, if you don't
mind me saying,
1798
01:15:33,040 --> 01:15:35,270
you look like you have
a very welcoming bosom.
1799
01:15:36,240 --> 01:15:37,878
May I rest my child on it?
1800
01:15:37,960 --> 01:15:38,995
Sure.
1801
01:15:39,080 --> 01:15:40,096
Just for a sec, thank you.
1802
01:15:40,120 --> 01:15:41,235
(BABY WAILING)
1803
01:15:47,720 --> 01:15:48,789
(BABY STOPS CRYING)
1804
01:15:50,080 --> 01:15:51,274
(BABY COOING)
1805
01:15:52,280 --> 01:15:53,793
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
1806
01:15:57,280 --> 01:16:01,034
I mean, I don't know whether to be
pleased or just deeply offended.
1807
01:16:01,800 --> 01:16:03,631
How did you do that?
1808
01:16:04,800 --> 01:16:06,870
I'm soft, like a couch.
1809
01:16:06,960 --> 01:16:09,155
Please, will you
come and live with us?
1810
01:16:09,240 --> 01:16:10,309
I'm deadly serious.
1811
01:16:10,440 --> 01:16:12,635
I haven't slept in a year.
1812
01:16:12,720 --> 01:16:13,789
I'll take the couch.
1813
01:16:13,920 --> 01:16:15,478
My girlfriend's
very attractive.
1814
01:16:15,640 --> 01:16:17,471
Can your girlfriend
take the couch?
1815
01:16:18,000 --> 01:16:19,558
Oh, my girlfriend, yes.
1816
01:16:19,640 --> 01:16:20,959
That's my sister.
1817
01:16:22,760 --> 01:16:26,230
Hey, can everyone please give it
up for the world's biggest nanny?
1818
01:16:26,360 --> 01:16:28,237
(APPLAUSE)
Well done.
1819
01:16:28,320 --> 01:16:30,072
Thank you.
I'll take her back.
1820
01:16:32,840 --> 01:16:33,840
Bye.
1821
01:16:35,160 --> 01:16:36,160
Thank you.
Call me.
1822
01:16:37,960 --> 01:16:39,279
Whoa.
(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)
1823
01:16:44,840 --> 01:16:47,718
You know, being a dad
does change you.
1824
01:16:47,800 --> 01:16:49,711
I worry all the time.
1825
01:16:49,800 --> 01:16:51,552
Do I know when she's tired?
1826
01:16:51,640 --> 01:16:53,198
Not really.
1827
01:16:53,280 --> 01:16:54,474
When she's about to be sick?
1828
01:16:55,120 --> 01:16:56,348
Definitely not.
1829
01:16:56,880 --> 01:16:59,348
This is the last
good shirt that I own.
1830
01:16:59,440 --> 01:17:00,440
(CROWD LAUGHING)
1831
01:17:01,880 --> 01:17:03,472
But her mother knows,
1832
01:17:03,560 --> 01:17:06,199
because in every
atom of their body,
1833
01:17:06,640 --> 01:17:10,792
they know what's right for their
children and for their families.
1834
01:17:12,560 --> 01:17:15,199
Anyway, speaking of parents,
I better get this one back to hers.
1835
01:17:15,320 --> 01:17:16,673
(LAUGHTER)
1836
01:17:17,000 --> 01:17:18,200
Hey, guys,
thank you very much.
1837
01:17:18,320 --> 01:17:20,390
I've been Zack Zim,
and this has been Katie.
1838
01:17:20,560 --> 01:17:22,118
(APPLAUSE)
1839
01:17:24,760 --> 01:17:26,398
Aw, what a cute baby.
1840
01:17:26,480 --> 01:17:27,833
I love babies.
1841
01:17:27,920 --> 01:17:29,717
We can have one
if you want.
1842
01:17:30,080 --> 01:17:31,752
It's our first date.
1843
01:17:31,840 --> 01:17:33,956
So, what are you
doing tomorrow?
1844
01:17:34,120 --> 01:17:35,314
Shut up.
1845
01:17:35,600 --> 01:17:36,669
I was freaking out.
1846
01:17:36,760 --> 01:17:38,432
I thought you bailed.
Where were you?
1847
01:17:38,520 --> 01:17:42,229
I'm sorry, you know, usual stuff,
meeting my real mom.
1848
01:17:42,320 --> 01:17:43,548
Your mom, what?
1849
01:17:43,640 --> 01:17:44,640
Yeah, it was awful.
1850
01:17:44,760 --> 01:17:45,760
Awful?
1851
01:17:45,840 --> 01:17:48,638
Just really made me appreciate
what I have. Totally.
1852
01:17:49,400 --> 01:17:51,072
You're the best.
1853
01:17:51,840 --> 01:17:54,149
ANNOUNCER: We have
a unanimous winner.
1854
01:17:54,720 --> 01:17:56,438
Katie Zim.
1855
01:17:57,400 --> 01:17:58,469
(APPLAUSE)
1856
01:17:58,560 --> 01:18:00,357
Oh, and that guy
with her. Come on up.
1857
01:18:00,440 --> 01:18:01,936
Oh, my God.
Wait, wait, wait, take her.
1858
01:18:01,960 --> 01:18:04,428
She won, you just
held her props, really.
1859
01:18:05,760 --> 01:18:06,896
So, wait, your actual mother?
1860
01:18:06,920 --> 01:18:09,115
Just go get it.
Go, go, go, go, go.
1861
01:18:09,600 --> 01:18:10,794
(CROWD WHOOPING)
1862
01:18:12,480 --> 01:18:13,708
Congratulations!
1863
01:18:15,040 --> 01:18:16,268
Zack Zim!
1864
01:18:17,160 --> 01:18:19,116
Yeah, we each
got our babies.
1865
01:18:19,200 --> 01:18:20,428
(COOING)
1866
01:18:29,120 --> 01:18:32,112
Happy Mother's Day!
Happy Mother's Day!
1867
01:18:32,600 --> 01:18:34,909
What? Oh, my God.
1868
01:18:35,000 --> 01:18:38,959
You guys...
You guys are the cutest.
1869
01:18:39,040 --> 01:18:41,600
The banana was my idea,
you know, to stay healthy.
1870
01:18:42,640 --> 01:18:44,039
(CHUCKLES) It's perfect.
I love it.
1871
01:18:44,120 --> 01:18:45,678
Are those M&M pancakes?
1872
01:18:45,760 --> 01:18:47,637
Yeah.
Oh, boy.
1873
01:18:47,720 --> 01:18:48,755
Open my gift.
1874
01:18:48,840 --> 01:18:50,239
Okay, okay, okay.
1875
01:18:51,280 --> 01:18:52,315
Why?
1876
01:18:55,600 --> 01:19:00,754
That's the coolest potato man ever,
period, end of story.
1877
01:19:02,640 --> 01:19:04,039
That's awesome.
1878
01:19:06,560 --> 01:19:08,710
"Thanks for all
that you do.
1879
01:19:08,800 --> 01:19:10,233
"We appreciate you.
1880
01:19:10,320 --> 01:19:12,311
"Happy Mother's Day, Tina."
1881
01:19:13,160 --> 01:19:15,151
You gave her the
wrong gift, you dork.
1882
01:19:15,240 --> 01:19:16,639
Oops, sorry, Mom.
1883
01:19:16,720 --> 01:19:18,676
SANDY: Oh, that's okay.
That's okay.
1884
01:19:19,200 --> 01:19:20,679
I love you, Mom.
1885
01:19:21,320 --> 01:19:23,276
Thank you. I love you.
This one's for you.
1886
01:19:23,400 --> 01:19:25,675
Okay, okay.
1887
01:19:27,520 --> 01:19:29,715
This is better
than the first one.
1888
01:19:29,800 --> 01:19:30,915
It's even better.
1889
01:19:31,560 --> 01:19:32,560
That's sweet.
1890
01:19:32,920 --> 01:19:35,480
I love him.
Thank you so much.
1891
01:19:36,240 --> 01:19:37,389
This is for you.
1892
01:19:37,480 --> 01:19:38,674
Thanks, babe.
1893
01:19:38,760 --> 01:19:41,035
Did you get
a card for Tina, too?
1894
01:19:41,120 --> 01:19:43,350
Yeah, but a totally
different one.
1895
01:19:44,760 --> 01:19:46,796
I can throw Tina's
away if you want.
1896
01:19:49,280 --> 01:19:50,395
No.
1897
01:19:51,240 --> 01:19:53,117
No, no, no, no,
I don't want you to do that.
1898
01:19:53,480 --> 01:19:54,913
But you're so sad.
1899
01:19:59,680 --> 01:20:02,114
Oh, okay, listen, here,
take this over there for a second.
1900
01:20:02,200 --> 01:20:03,200
Get in here.
1901
01:20:03,560 --> 01:20:04,709
Get in here.
1902
01:20:05,760 --> 01:20:09,912
Vicky, Rachel,
where are you guys?
1903
01:20:11,360 --> 01:20:14,511
Come on, let's wake up,
have a little breakfast, huh?
1904
01:20:16,560 --> 01:20:20,155
Guys, don't make me
come up there.
1905
01:20:21,000 --> 01:20:22,479
It's too late.
1906
01:20:22,560 --> 01:20:24,915
Come on,
let's go, up and at 'em.
1907
01:20:26,320 --> 01:20:27,435
Hey.
1908
01:20:28,320 --> 01:20:30,276
Hey, Vicky!
(PHONE RINGING)
1909
01:20:30,720 --> 01:20:33,473
Rachel, where are you?
1910
01:20:35,000 --> 01:20:36,456
Hey, Kimberly,
I can't talk right now.
1911
01:20:36,480 --> 01:20:37,696
I don't know
where my girls are.
1912
01:20:37,720 --> 01:20:39,278
KIMBERLY:
The girls are with me.
1913
01:20:39,360 --> 01:20:40,680
What are you
talking about, where?
1914
01:20:43,920 --> 01:20:47,595
I love you so much,
1915
01:20:47,840 --> 01:20:52,391
and, you know, it's just...
It's hard to share, you know?
1916
01:20:52,880 --> 01:20:55,792
Sort of like how you feel about your
LEGO pirate ship.
1917
01:20:55,880 --> 01:20:58,189
You know how you didn't
want anyone to touch it?
1918
01:20:58,720 --> 01:21:01,029
Yeah, well,
that's kind of how I feel.
1919
01:21:01,960 --> 01:21:03,678
But you remember
how good you felt
1920
01:21:03,760 --> 01:21:05,512
when you saw
how happy Nick was
1921
01:21:05,600 --> 01:21:09,115
when he was able to walk
Peg Leg down the plank?
1922
01:21:09,600 --> 01:21:10,669
Right?
1923
01:21:11,400 --> 01:21:14,870
Yeah, that's because it's really,
really good to share.
1924
01:21:14,960 --> 01:21:15,995
It's really good.
1925
01:21:18,160 --> 01:21:19,718
In fact, as I say this,
you know what,
1926
01:21:19,800 --> 01:21:24,316
I think I'm going to take you over to
Daddy's a little later on today, okay?
1927
01:21:25,240 --> 01:21:29,756
So you can give Tina
her awesome potato man.
1928
01:21:30,360 --> 01:21:32,112
You're really
going to share?
1929
01:21:32,240 --> 01:21:33,639
Yeah.
1930
01:21:33,880 --> 01:21:37,839
Yep, I'm going to
share, for an hour.
1931
01:21:39,000 --> 01:21:40,592
An hour, maybe two.
I'll see how I feel.
1932
01:21:40,680 --> 01:21:41,720
How do you
feel about that?
1933
01:21:41,760 --> 01:21:43,159
BOTH: Yeah.
Yeah?
1934
01:21:49,240 --> 01:21:51,296
MAX: We're gonna grab some lunch
and we'll see you at the parade.
1935
01:21:51,320 --> 01:21:52,753
Have fun.
1936
01:21:52,840 --> 01:21:53,989
Bye, Max.
1937
01:21:56,560 --> 01:21:58,278
Were you summoned, too?
1938
01:21:58,360 --> 01:22:00,828
Yep, just wondering if I'm
going to get an opportunity
1939
01:22:00,920 --> 01:22:02,512
to have a last meal.
1940
01:22:02,600 --> 01:22:04,113
(CHUCKLES) Doubtful.
1941
01:22:04,200 --> 01:22:07,192
I mean, they can't
ground us anymore, can they?
1942
01:22:10,000 --> 01:22:11,991
You lied to your mother.
1943
01:22:12,080 --> 01:22:14,913
Mom made me live
alone in college
1944
01:22:15,000 --> 01:22:17,120
'cause she didn't want me to
have a minority roommate.
1945
01:22:17,200 --> 01:22:18,816
Yeah, and she spanked me when
I said I wanted to dress up
1946
01:22:18,840 --> 01:22:19,909
like a guy for Halloween.
1947
01:22:20,000 --> 01:22:23,913
I didn't think Liberace was an
appropriate costume for a little girl.
1948
01:22:27,200 --> 01:22:28,336
PETER: Do they
know we're coming?
1949
01:22:28,360 --> 01:22:30,351
SANDY: Yeah,
I called Daddy earlier.
1950
01:22:35,400 --> 01:22:37,595
I'll pick you up tonight,
just before dinner, okay?
1951
01:22:37,720 --> 01:22:39,950
Bye, Mom.
Bye, I love you.
1952
01:22:40,600 --> 01:22:41,874
Have fun.
1953
01:22:53,040 --> 01:22:54,393
I'm so happy to see you.
1954
01:22:54,480 --> 01:22:55,549
Hi, hi.
1955
01:22:55,960 --> 01:22:57,279
What's that?
1956
01:22:57,400 --> 01:22:59,231
For me? Oh, my gosh.
1957
01:22:59,320 --> 01:23:01,470
A surprise.
Thank you so much.
1958
01:23:01,560 --> 01:23:02,879
(MOUTHING) Thank you.
1959
01:23:06,760 --> 01:23:08,512
Happy Mother's Day.
1960
01:23:25,800 --> 01:23:27,199
We love you.
1961
01:23:31,920 --> 01:23:33,035
(SOBBING)
1962
01:23:53,480 --> 01:23:56,392
Russell, it's Jesse.
1963
01:23:56,480 --> 01:23:58,596
I'm leaving to go live
with my parents for a while
1964
01:23:58,720 --> 01:24:01,029
and I'm taking Tanner
with me. Bye.
1965
01:24:01,120 --> 01:24:04,317
Wait, wait, wait,
hold on, hold on!
1966
01:24:04,440 --> 01:24:09,798
Hey, hold on, wait,
hold on, I'm coming!
1967
01:24:10,280 --> 01:24:13,716
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
stop, stop, stop, stop,
1968
01:24:13,800 --> 01:24:17,156
stop, wait, hold on, hold on,
wait a minute, let me in,
1969
01:24:18,040 --> 01:24:20,713
stop, stop, stop,
hold on, hold on!
1970
01:24:20,880 --> 01:24:22,393
Wait a minute!
1971
01:24:23,320 --> 01:24:24,320
Where's Tanner?
1972
01:24:24,400 --> 01:24:25,680
Relax, he's with
Max and Charlie.
1973
01:24:25,720 --> 01:24:26,789
Nice robe.
1974
01:24:27,520 --> 01:24:29,476
We just said it
to get you in here.
1975
01:24:30,160 --> 01:24:31,559
Oh, great, another lie.
1976
01:24:31,640 --> 01:24:34,029
Yeah, is this your
new thing now? Bye.
1977
01:24:34,160 --> 01:24:36,628
Russell, we would
like to thank you for coming.
1978
01:24:37,000 --> 01:24:39,355
Mom? You're in on this?
1979
01:24:39,480 --> 01:24:42,199
Maybe if you would call me more often,
you would know me better.
1980
01:24:42,320 --> 01:24:45,471
Russell, I know I make jokes about Jesse,
but I love her.
1981
01:24:45,600 --> 01:24:49,354
So, Flo and I thought you two
should kiss and make up.
1982
01:24:51,360 --> 01:24:54,079
No, no, because
she's a liar.
1983
01:24:54,160 --> 01:24:56,958
She's a lying,
lying liar, okay?
1984
01:24:57,040 --> 01:24:59,349
And besides,
scaring me to get me in here
1985
01:24:59,440 --> 01:25:01,954
is not a good way to start
a conversation, okay?
1986
01:25:02,040 --> 01:25:03,473
Have fun. I'm leaving.
1987
01:25:03,560 --> 01:25:05,198
Not unless you're
going to jump.
1988
01:25:06,400 --> 01:25:08,231
Dad, what are you doing?
Slow down!
1989
01:25:08,360 --> 01:25:09,509
Oh, come on.
1990
01:25:10,200 --> 01:25:11,428
GABI: Where are we going?
1991
01:25:11,520 --> 01:25:13,216
RUSSELL: All right,
this is crazy, all right?
1992
01:25:13,240 --> 01:25:14,656
She lied about everything.
You know what?
1993
01:25:14,680 --> 01:25:17,353
If I was your parents,
I would have been home by now.
1994
01:25:17,440 --> 01:25:21,228
If this sucker hadn't had all those
repairs, we would have been.
1995
01:25:21,520 --> 01:25:22,800
Actually,
that would be my fault.
1996
01:25:22,880 --> 01:25:23,880
How?
1997
01:25:23,960 --> 01:25:25,760
I kind of told Charlie
to mess with the engine
1998
01:25:25,800 --> 01:25:27,438
so Grandma and Grandpa
couldn't get home.
1999
01:25:27,520 --> 01:25:29,909
The flat tire was
just bad luck, or good.
2000
01:25:30,040 --> 01:25:31,439
You did that for us?
2001
01:25:31,800 --> 01:25:32,835
Forget that.
2002
01:25:32,920 --> 01:25:35,514
I'm impressed that he knew
so much about engines.
2003
01:25:35,600 --> 01:25:37,238
GABI: Yeah, he really does.
2004
01:25:38,720 --> 01:25:40,676
Honey, please forgive me.
2005
01:25:40,760 --> 01:25:43,479
I promise, I will never,
ever lie to you, ever again.
2006
01:25:43,560 --> 01:25:45,232
I just... I cross my heart.
2007
01:25:46,720 --> 01:25:48,438
You promise?
Promise.
2008
01:25:49,560 --> 01:25:51,039
Okay, I forgive you.
You do?
2009
01:25:51,120 --> 01:25:53,315
No, I'm lying.
You see how that feels?
2010
01:25:55,920 --> 01:25:59,151
Uh, sorry to interrupt your moment,
but this ain't good.
2011
01:25:59,240 --> 01:26:00,309
What?
2012
01:26:00,400 --> 01:26:03,517
The brakes are out and we're
going pretty damn fast.
2013
01:26:03,600 --> 01:26:05,716
I swear, Charlie did not
mess with the brakes.
2014
01:26:05,800 --> 01:26:07,640
EARL: No, no, I was
supposed to get them fixed,
2015
01:26:07,680 --> 01:26:10,752
but I took the money and I
spent it at the dog track!
2016
01:26:10,920 --> 01:26:12,876
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
2017
01:26:13,640 --> 01:26:14,960
RUSSELL: Look out
for the garbage.
2018
01:26:17,080 --> 01:26:19,514
Hey, what is happening?
2019
01:26:20,160 --> 01:26:21,639
Where did everybody go?
2020
01:26:22,080 --> 01:26:23,115
Jesse, stay down.
2021
01:26:23,280 --> 01:26:24,599
Stay under me!
2022
01:26:24,920 --> 01:26:26,558
Hey, that's Grandma's house.
2023
01:26:26,640 --> 01:26:28,392
So it is. Let's check it out.
2024
01:26:34,360 --> 01:26:37,079
They made a womb
float for Mother's Day?
2025
01:26:37,160 --> 01:26:39,879
I can't wait to see
what they do for Father's Day.
2026
01:26:45,000 --> 01:26:47,560
Hello, Marvin, you got
a two-vehicle pursuit.
2027
01:26:47,680 --> 01:26:52,435
One is an RV from Texas and the
other one is big and pink.
2028
01:26:52,680 --> 01:26:53,954
(SIREN BLARING)
2029
01:26:55,960 --> 01:26:57,279
Slow down!
2030
01:26:58,960 --> 01:27:01,349
Oh, my gosh.
Okay, we're in pursuit.
2031
01:27:01,680 --> 01:27:02,680
Whoa!
2032
01:27:09,360 --> 01:27:12,591
Earl, Jesse, Gabi,
I love you! Russell?
2033
01:27:12,680 --> 01:27:13,680
Yeah.
2034
01:27:13,960 --> 01:27:15,393
Nice to meet you.
2035
01:27:15,480 --> 01:27:17,118
We're going to
hit real hard.
2036
01:27:17,200 --> 01:27:18,235
No!
2037
01:27:20,720 --> 01:27:21,720
Huh?
2038
01:27:22,560 --> 01:27:27,156
Well, uh, that wasn't
so hard, now, was it?
2039
01:27:28,160 --> 01:27:29,479
Everybody all right?
2040
01:27:29,560 --> 01:27:30,800
RUSSELL: What
the hell happened?
2041
01:27:31,880 --> 01:27:34,189
Nothing. I lied.
2042
01:27:34,720 --> 01:27:36,073
The brakes were fixed.
2043
01:27:36,200 --> 01:27:40,318
The fear of death brings
everyone closer together.
2044
01:27:41,760 --> 01:27:44,718
Welcome, welcome to my family.
2045
01:27:45,240 --> 01:27:46,992
COP: Everybody
out of the vehicle.
2046
01:27:48,000 --> 01:27:49,115
Let's go.
2047
01:27:50,240 --> 01:27:52,037
Okay, we're coming. Hi.
2048
01:27:52,200 --> 01:27:53,428
Out of the vehicle.
2049
01:27:54,400 --> 01:27:56,197
Get your hands up
where we can see them.
2050
01:27:56,280 --> 01:27:57,554
You guys okay?
2051
01:27:57,680 --> 01:27:59,477
FLO: Hello, officers,
how are you doing?
2052
01:27:59,560 --> 01:28:00,696
GABI: Mom,
just put your hands up.
2053
01:28:00,720 --> 01:28:03,439
Spread your legs.
2054
01:28:04,240 --> 01:28:05,275
Anybody else?
2055
01:28:06,800 --> 01:28:08,358
Hi, it's just me.
2056
01:28:10,880 --> 01:28:12,108
Get on the ground.
2057
01:28:12,200 --> 01:28:13,713
On the ground!
2058
01:28:13,800 --> 01:28:15,233
Get on the ground!
2059
01:28:15,760 --> 01:28:17,352
On the ground!
2060
01:28:18,360 --> 01:28:20,954
Sir, that is my husband!
2061
01:28:21,040 --> 01:28:23,270
Officer, I don't
really appreciate
2062
01:28:23,400 --> 01:28:25,550
how you're treating
my son-in-law.
2063
01:28:26,640 --> 01:28:28,710
Wait, it's okay,
you guys, this is my doctor.
2064
01:28:28,800 --> 01:28:30,392
He fixed my knee.
2065
01:28:30,760 --> 01:28:31,988
Hi, Dr. Kohli.
2066
01:28:32,400 --> 01:28:33,549
Hey, Danielle.
2067
01:28:34,240 --> 01:28:35,912
Finally, somebody
stands up.
2068
01:28:36,080 --> 01:28:38,310
Oh, boy, you okay, Russell?
2069
01:28:38,400 --> 01:28:39,628
Yeah, I'm all right.
All right.
2070
01:28:39,720 --> 01:28:42,234
Well, I never thought I'd have
to say this in the line of duty,
2071
01:28:42,320 --> 01:28:45,596
but who's got the
registration for the vagina?
2072
01:28:45,720 --> 01:28:48,393
We do. But we already
missed the parade.
2073
01:28:48,480 --> 01:28:49,993
There's a parade
of vaginas?
2074
01:28:50,080 --> 01:28:51,433
Yup, there sure was.
2075
01:28:52,560 --> 01:28:54,152
EARL: Well, that's okay.
2076
01:28:54,240 --> 01:28:56,595
Now we can have
a real family picnic together.
2077
01:28:56,920 --> 01:28:58,990
Love you, too, Mom.
Happy Mother's Day.
2078
01:28:59,280 --> 01:29:00,599
Did she just kiss me?
2079
01:29:00,680 --> 01:29:02,896
GABI: We missed the parade,
but we're gonna have a picnic!
2080
01:29:02,920 --> 01:29:04,638
I'm proud of you, Earl.
2081
01:29:05,240 --> 01:29:06,958
Oh, thank you, Fluffy.
2082
01:29:12,400 --> 01:29:14,356
Thanks for
taking us, Kimberly.
2083
01:29:14,440 --> 01:29:15,668
Oh, and for brunch, too.
2084
01:29:15,760 --> 01:29:17,398
I bet my dad's
going to kill you.
2085
01:29:17,480 --> 01:29:19,232
Please, I can handle him.
2086
01:29:19,320 --> 01:29:21,072
I am a pole dancer.
2087
01:29:21,160 --> 01:29:22,752
Bring it on!
2088
01:29:29,440 --> 01:29:34,275
Wow. I think your daddy used his
veteran's discount at ProFlowers.
2089
01:29:35,000 --> 01:29:36,194
BRADLEY: Surprise!
2090
01:29:38,760 --> 01:29:40,910
Dad, what is all this?
2091
01:29:41,000 --> 01:29:43,594
Oh, this is everything they
had left at the flower shop.
2092
01:29:44,280 --> 01:29:46,316
Okay, but why is it here?
2093
01:29:46,480 --> 01:29:48,656
I thought it was about time we
started celebrating Mother's Day.
2094
01:29:48,680 --> 01:29:50,033
I better go
find my babies.
2095
01:29:51,000 --> 01:29:55,915
And for my first surprise, for the
youngest, Vicky, voilà.
2096
01:29:56,080 --> 01:29:57,229
Oh.
Whoa.
2097
01:29:57,680 --> 01:29:59,159
A karaoke machine!
2098
01:29:59,240 --> 01:30:00,719
That's right, yes.
2099
01:30:01,760 --> 01:30:03,671
Young lady,
that's for you.
2100
01:30:09,840 --> 01:30:12,991
But these are...
These are Mom's car keys.
2101
01:30:13,360 --> 01:30:15,555
Yeah, I sold the car anyway,
2102
01:30:15,640 --> 01:30:17,676
but figured you'd
want the keys.
2103
01:30:18,840 --> 01:30:20,512
Kidding, you get
the car, too.
2104
01:30:20,640 --> 01:30:22,870
Oh, my God, thank you.
(CHUCKLES)
2105
01:30:23,440 --> 01:30:24,919
You're very welcome.
2106
01:30:25,000 --> 01:30:26,069
Thank you.
2107
01:30:26,760 --> 01:30:29,149
(GASPS) Look at this place.
(LAUGHTER)
2108
01:30:29,440 --> 01:30:30,919
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
2109
01:30:34,520 --> 01:30:35,520
Mmm.
2110
01:30:35,760 --> 01:30:37,796
Dad, did you invite him?
2111
01:30:37,880 --> 01:30:38,915
No.
2112
01:30:39,000 --> 01:30:42,231
No, I hired him
to run the punch bowl.
2113
01:30:42,320 --> 01:30:44,276
Okay.
Yeah.
2114
01:30:44,360 --> 01:30:46,510
I'm going to go
get some punch.
2115
01:30:46,600 --> 01:30:47,635
All right.
2116
01:30:51,240 --> 01:30:53,151
Hey.
Hey.
2117
01:30:53,240 --> 01:30:54,856
BRADLEY: Thanks for coming
on such short notice.
2118
01:30:54,880 --> 01:30:56,757
I'm so proud of you.
Thank you.
2119
01:30:56,840 --> 01:30:58,239
I am. (CHUCKLES)
Thank you.
2120
01:30:58,560 --> 01:30:59,788
Hi.
Hey, neighbor.
2121
01:30:59,880 --> 01:31:01,359
Hey.
Hi, I'm Lexy.
2122
01:31:01,520 --> 01:31:02,635
Lexy.
2123
01:31:02,800 --> 01:31:05,678
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you as well.
2124
01:31:05,760 --> 01:31:07,160
Um, yeah, well,
please help yourself
2125
01:31:07,200 --> 01:31:09,760
to the punch and smell
the flowers. Go nuts.
2126
01:31:09,840 --> 01:31:12,035
That's the sexy mom
we were telling you about.
2127
01:31:12,120 --> 01:31:13,872
Oh, that makes sense,
okay, yeah.
2128
01:31:13,960 --> 01:31:17,077
Well, that might be a little too
much for me right now, you know?
2129
01:31:17,160 --> 01:31:18,309
Fair enough.
Mmm-hmm.
2130
01:31:18,400 --> 01:31:19,680
I'm going to
keep trying, though.
2131
01:31:19,720 --> 01:31:21,392
No, please do.
That's a great start.
2132
01:31:21,480 --> 01:31:22,480
Hey.
2133
01:31:23,680 --> 01:31:24,680
Wow!
2134
01:31:24,760 --> 01:31:25,909
Do you know
what it is?
2135
01:31:26,040 --> 01:31:27,075
No.
2136
01:31:27,160 --> 01:31:28,593
It's a karaoke machine.
2137
01:31:28,680 --> 01:31:30,432
That's cool.
What's that button do?
2138
01:31:30,520 --> 01:31:32,476
That's an echo,
so it makes it sound like...
2139
01:31:32,560 --> 01:31:33,816
(MIMICKING MUSIC NOTES)
(CHUCKLES)
2140
01:31:33,840 --> 01:31:36,195
My God, you people
on steroids?
2141
01:31:36,920 --> 01:31:38,638
(PANTS)
2142
01:31:38,760 --> 01:31:40,159
Wait, hello, Tina?
2143
01:31:40,240 --> 01:31:41,936
It's me. I really need your help right now.
What?
2144
01:31:41,960 --> 01:31:43,976
I don't know what to do.
Wait, Tina, slow down. What's wrong?
2145
01:31:44,000 --> 01:31:45,592
What's wrong?
It's Mikey.
2146
01:31:45,720 --> 01:31:46,948
He can't breathe.
2147
01:31:47,040 --> 01:31:48,871
Okay, that's his asthma.
2148
01:31:48,960 --> 01:31:51,136
No, I know, Henry warned me
that it's bad this time of year
2149
01:31:51,160 --> 01:31:52,216
and there's a lot of ragweed.
2150
01:31:52,240 --> 01:31:54,037
Where's his inhaler?
2151
01:31:54,120 --> 01:31:56,475
It's here, but it's empty
and I can't find the backup.
2152
01:31:56,560 --> 01:31:57,560
Where's Henry?
2153
01:31:57,640 --> 01:31:59,471
He's at the store
and he's not answering.
2154
01:31:59,560 --> 01:32:01,869
All right, just take him
to the freezer.
2155
01:32:01,960 --> 01:32:02,995
He's not hungry.
2156
01:32:03,120 --> 01:32:04,120
I know he's not hungry.
2157
01:32:04,200 --> 01:32:06,296
It's just that breathing in the
cold air really helps him,
2158
01:32:06,320 --> 01:32:07,355
so just go, go, go, go.
2159
01:32:07,440 --> 01:32:09,096
Let's go the freezer, okay?
You're going to be okay.
2160
01:32:09,120 --> 01:32:12,112
You're going to be fine.
Yeah, just breathe this in. (GASPING)
2161
01:32:12,200 --> 01:32:13,872
Okay, all right.
2162
01:32:13,960 --> 01:32:15,837
Oh, my gosh,
Sandy, I am so scared.
2163
01:32:15,920 --> 01:32:16,920
I know, I know.
2164
01:32:17,000 --> 01:32:19,230
Listen, I keep a spare inhaler
in his backpack.
2165
01:32:19,800 --> 01:32:23,679
Okay, yep. I got it.
I'll put you on speaker.
2166
01:32:25,000 --> 01:32:26,069
Okay, where?
2167
01:32:26,160 --> 01:32:27,878
Okay. There are four pockets.
2168
01:32:27,960 --> 01:32:29,678
It's in the one
that has the rat on it.
2169
01:32:29,960 --> 01:32:31,320
TINA: There's no zipper
on the rat.
2170
01:32:31,720 --> 01:32:32,840
It's on the side of the rat!
2171
01:32:32,960 --> 01:32:34,791
SANDY: It's on the side
of the rat, sorry.
2172
01:32:36,120 --> 01:32:37,519
(MIKEY GROANS AND GASPS)
2173
01:32:37,760 --> 01:32:39,716
It's all right, I got you.
2174
01:32:39,800 --> 01:32:41,392
I got you.
Come here, buddy.
2175
01:32:41,480 --> 01:32:42,976
Here you go.
Come on, come on. I got you.
2176
01:32:43,000 --> 01:32:44,319
MIKEY: I want Mommy.
2177
01:32:44,400 --> 01:32:46,470
Okay, Mommy's coming, honey.
You're okay.
2178
01:32:46,600 --> 01:32:49,160
Daddy's going to make
you feel all better, you know that.
2179
01:32:49,680 --> 01:32:52,399
Okay, give him three puffs
and then give him three more
2180
01:32:52,480 --> 01:32:54,550
in 30 minutes if he needs it, okay?
(GASPING)
2181
01:32:56,440 --> 01:32:58,576
I don't like his color.
I'm going to take him to the ER.
2182
01:32:58,600 --> 01:33:00,800
All right, then go.
Just go, go and I'll meet you there.
2183
01:33:01,760 --> 01:33:02,875
Get his stuff.
2184
01:33:07,520 --> 01:33:09,511
BRADLEY: (ON MIKE)
Hey, DJ, hit it.
2185
01:33:09,640 --> 01:33:10,640
(MUSIC PLAYING)
2186
01:33:10,840 --> 01:33:12,159
Here we go.
2187
01:33:12,520 --> 01:33:13,794
All right!
Stop whatcha doin'
2188
01:33:13,880 --> 01:33:14,949
'Cause I'm
about to ruin
2189
01:33:15,040 --> 01:33:16,917
The image and the
style that ya used to
2190
01:33:17,000 --> 01:33:18,353
I look funny, right?
2191
01:33:18,440 --> 01:33:19,953
But, yo, I'm makin '
money, see?
2192
01:33:20,040 --> 01:33:21,712
So, yo world I hope
you're ready for me
2193
01:33:21,800 --> 01:33:24,394
My name is Humpty
Pronounced with a "umpty"
2194
01:33:24,480 --> 01:33:27,597
Yo, moms Oh, how I
like to love thee
2195
01:33:27,680 --> 01:33:29,432
And all the fathers
in the Top 10
2196
01:33:29,520 --> 01:33:31,112
Please allow me
to bump thee
2197
01:33:31,200 --> 01:33:33,714
I'm steppin ' tall, y'all
And just like Humpty Dumpty
2198
01:33:33,800 --> 01:33:36,109
You're gonna fall
when the stereos pump me
2199
01:33:36,200 --> 01:33:38,111
I'm still rockin '
these pink pants
2200
01:33:38,200 --> 01:33:39,792
And I even got
my own dance
2201
01:33:39,880 --> 01:33:42,792
The Humpty Dance is your
chance to do the hump
2202
01:33:42,880 --> 01:33:44,279
That's right, folks,
help me out.
2203
01:33:44,840 --> 01:33:46,956
Do me, baby!
ALL: Do the Humpty hump
2204
01:33:47,040 --> 01:33:50,032
Girls, get up here.
Dance with your old man. Come on.
2205
01:33:50,880 --> 01:33:51,949
ALL: Do the Humpty hump
2206
01:33:52,040 --> 01:33:55,191
Watch me do the Humpty hump
Yeah, yeah. Uh!
2207
01:33:55,280 --> 01:33:56,793
ALL: Do the Humpty hump
2208
01:33:57,520 --> 01:33:58,520
Watch me...
(ALL GASPING)
2209
01:33:59,560 --> 01:34:01,152
WOMAN: Where'd he go?
(BRADLEY GROANS)
2210
01:34:01,440 --> 01:34:02,440
Dad!
2211
01:34:02,560 --> 01:34:03,834
Are you okay, Dad?
(ALL GASPING)
2212
01:34:03,920 --> 01:34:05,120
BRADLEY: Yeah,
I'm okay, Vicky.
2213
01:34:05,200 --> 01:34:06,758
Rachel, how does my leg look?
2214
01:34:06,840 --> 01:34:07,875
Great, Dad.
2215
01:34:07,960 --> 01:34:08,995
What about my right leg?
2216
01:34:09,120 --> 01:34:10,439
RACHEL: Someone call 911.
2217
01:34:10,520 --> 01:34:12,431
See what happens when
you let white boys rap?
2218
01:34:13,560 --> 01:34:14,754
There you go, folks.
2219
01:34:14,880 --> 01:34:15,995
Happy Mother's Day.
2220
01:34:18,880 --> 01:34:20,950
RACHEL: Don't move, Dad.
I'm coming down.
2221
01:34:21,480 --> 01:34:24,552
BRADLEY: Rach, it might be time to
practice driving to the hospital.
2222
01:34:25,520 --> 01:34:27,158
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
2223
01:34:29,080 --> 01:34:30,080
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
2224
01:34:30,400 --> 01:34:31,435
Got it.
2225
01:34:33,960 --> 01:34:35,632
I hope it's
okay that I'm here.
2226
01:34:36,960 --> 01:34:39,520
I knew it was you
the moment I saw you.
2227
01:34:43,040 --> 01:34:44,189
(INHALES SHARPLY)
2228
01:34:44,320 --> 01:34:46,914
We were 16 and in love.
2229
01:34:48,080 --> 01:34:49,354
What, puppy love?
(CHUCKLES)
2230
01:34:49,440 --> 01:34:52,637
No, true love, epic,
2231
01:34:52,720 --> 01:34:56,952
"plan your whole life
around it" kind of love,
2232
01:34:57,040 --> 01:34:58,598
and then there was you.
2233
01:34:59,800 --> 01:35:02,633
His family moved to another city
the day we gave them the news
2234
01:35:02,720 --> 01:35:06,633
and my parents pulled me
out of school for a year.
2235
01:35:06,760 --> 01:35:09,672
My mother never really
looked at me the same again.
2236
01:35:11,800 --> 01:35:13,950
Forever disappointed,
I think.
2237
01:35:18,240 --> 01:35:19,639
It was never
even a consideration
2238
01:35:19,720 --> 01:35:21,096
if I would get to
keep you, actually.
2239
01:35:21,120 --> 01:35:24,795
She said she found a nice
family that lived in Hawaii.
2240
01:35:26,000 --> 01:35:28,878
They weren't nice.
They were wonderful.
2241
01:35:28,960 --> 01:35:30,632
I know they've passed.
I'm sorry.
2242
01:35:32,320 --> 01:35:35,312
My parents are gone, too.
2243
01:35:35,400 --> 01:35:38,790
It's just you and me.
2244
01:35:42,520 --> 01:35:45,796
Part of the deal
was that they would
2245
01:35:45,880 --> 01:35:49,668
send me a picture
of you every year
2246
01:35:49,760 --> 01:35:56,518
(VOICE BREAKING) so that I could
just see that you were okay.
2247
01:35:58,480 --> 01:35:59,913
(SCOFFS LIGHTLY)
2248
01:36:01,760 --> 01:36:03,557
KRISTIN: (SOFTLY)
Wow. What?
2249
01:36:07,600 --> 01:36:08,874
(KRISTIN CHUCKLES)
2250
01:36:18,640 --> 01:36:20,119
I don't understand.
2251
01:36:21,680 --> 01:36:23,033
Why didn't you
ever contact me?
2252
01:36:27,880 --> 01:36:29,518
That was the other
part of the deal.
2253
01:36:34,040 --> 01:36:39,034
So, I lost my
true love and you,
2254
01:36:39,120 --> 01:36:42,510
and I didn't want
to replace that,
2255
01:36:42,600 --> 01:36:48,516
(CLEARS THROAT) so I went for a
career and that is what I have.
2256
01:36:51,600 --> 01:36:52,600
(KATIE CRYING)
2257
01:36:52,920 --> 01:36:54,069
What is that?
2258
01:36:54,960 --> 01:36:56,712
That's your granddaughter.
2259
01:36:59,280 --> 01:37:00,759
That's my
boyfriend, Zack.
2260
01:37:02,800 --> 01:37:06,918
Katie, I want you to
meet someone special.
2261
01:37:07,000 --> 01:37:08,592
This is Katie.
2262
01:37:08,680 --> 01:37:12,878
(GASPS) Katie, do you
want to meet someone?
2263
01:37:14,240 --> 01:37:15,309
Yes.
2264
01:37:20,680 --> 01:37:23,240
That's your grandma.
2265
01:37:24,080 --> 01:37:25,149
Hello.
2266
01:37:25,720 --> 01:37:26,720
(CHUCKLES)
2267
01:37:27,680 --> 01:37:28,680
(LAUGHS)
2268
01:37:33,320 --> 01:37:36,039
(SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE)
2269
01:37:38,960 --> 01:37:40,313
(PANTS)
2270
01:37:40,640 --> 01:37:42,278
Hey, how is he?
He's good.
2271
01:37:42,400 --> 01:37:44,120
He's back to his normal self.
Oh, thank God.
2272
01:37:44,160 --> 01:37:46,176
They're supposed to be bringing him out.
I'm going to go check.
2273
01:37:46,200 --> 01:37:48,077
Thank God. Oh, good.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON PA)
2274
01:37:48,280 --> 01:37:49,349
Hi.
2275
01:37:49,920 --> 01:37:51,558
Hi. You okay?
Hi.
2276
01:37:51,640 --> 01:37:52,959
Yes.
2277
01:37:53,040 --> 01:37:55,998
Sandy, I am so sorry.
Yeah.
2278
01:37:56,080 --> 01:37:57,456
I don't know what
happened to his inhaler.
2279
01:37:57,480 --> 01:37:58,993
That's why we have
a backup.
2280
01:37:59,200 --> 01:38:01,031
Your middle name
is now backup.
2281
01:38:01,120 --> 01:38:03,714
Okay. I just...
I really panicked.
2282
01:38:03,800 --> 01:38:04,800
I know.
2283
01:38:04,880 --> 01:38:06,199
How do you
stay so calm?
2284
01:38:06,280 --> 01:38:10,751
Well, Tina, it just
takes time.
2285
01:38:10,840 --> 01:38:12,990
It's time.
I mean, Peter's...
2286
01:38:13,080 --> 01:38:14,559
Thirteen.
How old?
2287
01:38:14,640 --> 01:38:15,640
How old are you?
Thirteen.
2288
01:38:15,720 --> 01:38:18,154
Thirteen. It takes
13 years, you know?
2289
01:38:18,240 --> 01:38:19,958
So, just give
yourself a break.
2290
01:38:20,080 --> 01:38:22,120
Otherwise, you're going
to really wear yourself down
2291
01:38:22,200 --> 01:38:23,872
and it's going to
piss me off.
2292
01:38:24,040 --> 01:38:25,758
Make that one of your rules.
That's good.
2293
01:38:26,320 --> 01:38:28,515
Whose child is this?
2294
01:38:28,600 --> 01:38:30,033
Mommy!
2295
01:38:30,120 --> 01:38:32,793
Oh, baby, hi.
2296
01:38:32,880 --> 01:38:35,474
Mommy, can I have
some candy, please? Oh...
2297
01:38:35,600 --> 01:38:37,750
Sly move.
2298
01:38:37,840 --> 01:38:39,717
I told you
you'd be okay.
2299
01:38:39,800 --> 01:38:43,873
All right, I'm going to get you some
candy and maybe one for myself.
2300
01:38:43,960 --> 01:38:45,376
Hold this, please.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
2301
01:38:45,400 --> 01:38:47,197
(INDISTINCT CHATTER
ON PA CONTINUES)
2302
01:38:49,440 --> 01:38:52,238
Now, since it's Mother's Day
and I am a mother,
2303
01:38:52,480 --> 01:38:56,234
I'd like to introduce a very special guest,
my daughter, Kristin.
2304
01:38:58,800 --> 01:39:02,156
She has something very special
she would like to say.
2305
01:39:10,160 --> 01:39:14,517
Father of my child,
light of my life,
2306
01:39:17,200 --> 01:39:19,998
Zack, will you marry me?
2307
01:39:20,080 --> 01:39:22,753
And because I made
you wait so long,
2308
01:39:22,840 --> 01:39:26,037
I'd like to do it today,
while my mother's still here.
2309
01:39:30,000 --> 01:39:33,709
Well, will you?
2310
01:39:34,880 --> 01:39:35,880
Wha...
2311
01:39:36,360 --> 01:39:37,360
Uh...
2312
01:39:37,440 --> 01:39:38,919
The show's pre-taped.
2313
01:39:43,600 --> 01:39:44,953
Will you?
2314
01:39:45,920 --> 01:39:47,990
Well, you know,
2315
01:39:48,080 --> 01:39:50,389
I'm going to have
to think it over.
2316
01:39:50,960 --> 01:39:51,960
Hmm.
2317
01:39:53,000 --> 01:39:54,877
Okay, I did.
2318
01:39:54,960 --> 01:39:56,632
Yes.
2319
01:39:56,760 --> 01:39:58,273
I love you.
I love you, too.
2320
01:40:03,160 --> 01:40:04,160
Oh...
2321
01:40:04,760 --> 01:40:06,512
Oh, I think it's time.
2322
01:40:07,200 --> 01:40:08,599
MAN: Gotta go.
Oh...
2323
01:40:08,760 --> 01:40:10,955
Where's my purse?
Where are the keys?
2324
01:40:11,040 --> 01:40:12,439
KRISTIN: Good luck, you guys.
2325
01:40:12,520 --> 01:40:15,398
Time for a wedding.
Where's Shorty? Shorty?
2326
01:40:15,480 --> 01:40:16,708
Me.
2327
01:40:16,800 --> 01:40:18,438
You're Shorty?
Yeah.
2328
01:40:18,520 --> 01:40:19,589
Should have guessed.
2329
01:40:19,680 --> 01:40:21,716
Okay, listen,
Miranda wants to throw
2330
01:40:21,800 --> 01:40:24,268
a big expensive wedding
at the best hotel,
2331
01:40:24,360 --> 01:40:26,078
but Kristin wants
to get married here
2332
01:40:26,160 --> 01:40:27,456
because that's
where they first met.
2333
01:40:27,480 --> 01:40:30,040
Great, and we'll do our best
to make it expensive.
2334
01:40:30,120 --> 01:40:31,155
Well, thank you for that.
2335
01:40:31,280 --> 01:40:32,576
SHORTY: Who's going to
perform the ceremony?
2336
01:40:32,600 --> 01:40:33,635
I'm officiating.
2337
01:40:33,760 --> 01:40:35,034
You got a license?
2338
01:40:35,120 --> 01:40:37,350
Of course, from
the online church of Idaho.
2339
01:40:37,440 --> 01:40:38,759
Can we do this now?
2340
01:40:40,440 --> 01:40:42,271
Wow. We're gonna make a buck.
2341
01:40:42,560 --> 01:40:45,438
NURSE: (ON PA) Paging
Dr. Freeman and Dr. Sheehan.
2342
01:40:45,520 --> 01:40:48,432
Please report to
the nurse's station.
2343
01:40:49,280 --> 01:40:50,918
(EXHALES)
2344
01:40:51,000 --> 01:40:52,638
(MACHINE BEEPS)
2345
01:40:54,080 --> 01:40:55,080
(WHIRRS)
2346
01:40:58,800 --> 01:41:00,119
Come on.
2347
01:41:01,840 --> 01:41:03,637
Are you kidding me?
2348
01:41:03,960 --> 01:41:05,996
This is what's going
to happen today?
2349
01:41:07,160 --> 01:41:08,160
(SIGHS)
2350
01:41:08,680 --> 01:41:10,432
All right, okay.
2351
01:41:14,720 --> 01:41:17,188
(GRUNTS) God!
Oh, no, no, no, no.
2352
01:41:19,280 --> 01:41:20,280
Oh, God.
2353
01:41:20,640 --> 01:41:21,640
(GROANS)
2354
01:41:23,400 --> 01:41:24,992
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
2355
01:41:26,880 --> 01:41:28,074
(GRUNTING)
2356
01:41:28,160 --> 01:41:29,160
Whoa.
2357
01:41:30,360 --> 01:41:32,216
BRADLEY: You know what?
Guys, let's go this way.
2358
01:41:32,240 --> 01:41:34,320
Let's not get involved.
Come on, here we go. (GRUNTS)
2359
01:41:34,360 --> 01:41:35,429
Oh...
2360
01:41:35,520 --> 01:41:37,158
Hey, tampon man.
2361
01:41:38,480 --> 01:41:39,754
SANDY: Right?
Remember at the...
2362
01:41:39,840 --> 01:41:41,193
Hey.
Hi.
2363
01:41:41,480 --> 01:41:42,879
Hi there.
Um...
2364
01:41:43,040 --> 01:41:44,598
We were...
Yes.
2365
01:41:44,680 --> 01:41:46,033
Yeah, of course, hi.
2366
01:41:46,240 --> 01:41:47,798
It's actually Bradley.
2367
01:41:48,000 --> 01:41:49,194
Oh, Bradley.
Yeah.
2368
01:41:49,320 --> 01:41:51,496
These are my daughters.
This is Rachel, and this is Vicky.
2369
01:41:51,520 --> 01:41:52,520
RACHEL: Hi.
Hi.
2370
01:41:52,680 --> 01:41:53,795
BRADLEY: This is...
Sandy.
2371
01:41:54,080 --> 01:41:56,071
With two sons.
Yes, that's right.
2372
01:41:56,160 --> 01:41:58,116
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Um...
2373
01:41:58,240 --> 01:41:59,673
You all right?
You know what? No.
2374
01:41:59,880 --> 01:42:02,110
(CHUCKLES) I'm kind of in
a little bit of a situation.
2375
01:42:02,280 --> 01:42:03,508
Okay. I got you.
It's so silly.
2376
01:42:03,720 --> 01:42:05,039
Girls, do me a favor,
2377
01:42:05,160 --> 01:42:06,256
why don't you run
and go find and see
2378
01:42:06,280 --> 01:42:07,508
if someone has
a key for this?
2379
01:42:07,720 --> 01:42:09,790
There's, like, a security
guard up front I'm sure.
2380
01:42:09,880 --> 01:42:10,880
(MUMBLING)
2381
01:42:11,200 --> 01:42:13,350
It probably looks
kind of suspicious.
2382
01:42:13,920 --> 01:42:16,593
Are you wondering
how I got into
2383
01:42:16,680 --> 01:42:18,079
this predicament?
Mmm.
2384
01:42:18,200 --> 01:42:19,200
No, I'm not really.
2385
01:42:19,720 --> 01:42:21,296
You see what happens every time...
Uh-huh.
2386
01:42:21,320 --> 01:42:23,016
...I try to get up?
It's caught on something.
2387
01:42:23,040 --> 01:42:24,376
It's not coming down
any further, all right,
2388
01:42:24,400 --> 01:42:26,038
well, let me see
what I can do there.
2389
01:42:26,200 --> 01:42:27,776
Pull your wrist over this way.
Ow! Careful.
2390
01:42:27,800 --> 01:42:28,800
What?
2391
01:42:28,880 --> 01:42:31,075
It's a Miranda Collins
bracelet, just, you know. Oh...
2392
01:42:31,240 --> 01:42:32,468
(GRUNTS)
2393
01:42:33,520 --> 01:42:35,351
What did you do
to your leg?
2394
01:42:35,440 --> 01:42:37,032
(STUTTERS)
2395
01:42:37,160 --> 01:42:41,039
Another hip-hop-related
casualty is all.
2396
01:42:41,280 --> 01:42:42,554
Hip hop?
Yeah. What about you?
2397
01:42:42,800 --> 01:42:43,880
Why are you here?
Are you in
2398
01:42:43,920 --> 01:42:45,319
the psychiatric wing?
(LAUGHS)
2399
01:42:45,880 --> 01:42:49,111
No. My son had
an asthma attack.
2400
01:42:49,560 --> 01:42:51,869
Oh, I'm sorry about that.
Is he okay?
2401
01:42:52,040 --> 01:42:55,555
Yeah, he's all back to normal,
so I'm getting him this candy.
2402
01:42:55,640 --> 01:42:56,755
I got you, we'll get it.
2403
01:42:57,000 --> 01:42:58,056
SANDY: Oh, bend it, bend it.
2404
01:42:58,080 --> 01:42:59,256
BRADLEY: Here, I'm going to
pull it down. There.
2405
01:42:59,280 --> 01:43:00,349
(CLICKS)
Ow...
2406
01:43:00,440 --> 01:43:01,839
Whoa. Awesome.
Ta-da.
2407
01:43:02,080 --> 01:43:03,195
Wait.
You're free.
2408
01:43:03,320 --> 01:43:04,355
Get that thing
down here.
2409
01:43:04,440 --> 01:43:06,078
This thing?
Get that Skittle.
2410
01:43:06,160 --> 01:43:07,680
That's why I did it
in the first place.
2411
01:43:07,760 --> 01:43:09,273
Don't. This is
what's going to happen.
2412
01:43:11,160 --> 01:43:12,195
(YELLS)
2413
01:43:12,280 --> 01:43:14,032
Hey, all right.
Yeah.
2414
01:43:14,200 --> 01:43:15,599
That's amazing.
Nicely done.
2415
01:43:15,760 --> 01:43:16,760
Get it.
2416
01:43:17,120 --> 01:43:19,190
Wait. Oh, you know what,
while we're in here...
2417
01:43:20,640 --> 01:43:22,153
Okay, but if anybody
catches us,
2418
01:43:22,280 --> 01:43:24,080
we'll say you're stealing
candy for sick kids.
2419
01:43:24,120 --> 01:43:25,678
Thank you so much.
Yeah.
2420
01:43:26,040 --> 01:43:27,314
I owe you one.
2421
01:43:27,440 --> 01:43:28,793
No, random act of kindness.
2422
01:43:29,000 --> 01:43:30,040
Well, thank you.
(CHUCKLES)
2423
01:43:30,120 --> 01:43:31,599
Do you need a ride?
2424
01:43:31,800 --> 01:43:33,199
No, we have a car.
2425
01:43:33,320 --> 01:43:35,197
Yeah. Of course, of course.
Yeah.
2426
01:43:35,280 --> 01:43:36,554
And I...
(CHUCKLES)
2427
01:43:36,640 --> 01:43:38,198
What am I thinking?
I've got my kids,
2428
01:43:38,320 --> 01:43:40,470
my ex-husband, his new wife.
Oh...
2429
01:43:40,720 --> 01:43:41,948
It's a carful.
Wow.
2430
01:43:42,040 --> 01:43:44,110
Yeah, I'm divorced, too.
2431
01:43:46,120 --> 01:43:47,120
Oh, um...
2432
01:43:47,440 --> 01:43:51,956
Actually, my wife
passed away, so...
2433
01:43:52,320 --> 01:43:53,320
Oh...
2434
01:43:53,920 --> 01:43:56,275
Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.
2435
01:43:57,480 --> 01:43:59,550
Oh, that must make today so hard.
It's okay.
2436
01:43:59,800 --> 01:44:01,756
It's starting to be okay.
2437
01:44:02,160 --> 01:44:03,195
(CHUCKLES)
2438
01:44:03,280 --> 01:44:04,280
Thank you.
2439
01:44:04,480 --> 01:44:06,016
Dad, we looked everywhere.
We couldn't...
2440
01:44:06,040 --> 01:44:07,320
No, no, no.
We're good, actually.
2441
01:44:07,480 --> 01:44:08,833
She's free.
BRADLEY: Free.
2442
01:44:09,080 --> 01:44:10,798
Emancipated.
Yeah. We're good. Yup.
2443
01:44:10,880 --> 01:44:11,995
(LAUGHS)
2444
01:44:12,480 --> 01:44:14,152
Yeah. Um...
So...
2445
01:44:14,760 --> 01:44:17,797
Well, hey, I will see
you around, I guess.
2446
01:44:18,080 --> 01:44:19,308
That would be nice.
2447
01:44:19,520 --> 01:44:21,080
RACHEL: Wait, my dad
owns a fitness gym.
2448
01:44:21,280 --> 01:44:23,120
Give her your card.
You should totally stop by,
2449
01:44:23,200 --> 01:44:26,033
you know, try a yoga class
or pole dancing even. Mmm.
2450
01:44:26,360 --> 01:44:27,998
It helps you get in
touch with your body.
2451
01:44:28,480 --> 01:44:29,993
Mmm-hmm.
I've heard.
2452
01:44:30,120 --> 01:44:32,190
(GASPS)
This is my gym.
2453
01:44:32,480 --> 01:44:33,595
It is?
2454
01:44:33,760 --> 01:44:35,159
I go to this gym.
2455
01:44:35,280 --> 01:44:36,280
What?
2456
01:44:36,360 --> 01:44:38,157
I just signed up,
like, a couple weeks ago.
2457
01:44:38,360 --> 01:44:39,679
How have I not
seen you?
2458
01:44:39,800 --> 01:44:40,869
I've never seen you there.
2459
01:44:41,000 --> 01:44:42,536
I know, how have I
never seen you there?
2460
01:44:42,560 --> 01:44:44,160
That's weird.
(WHISPERS) That's so weird.
2461
01:44:44,520 --> 01:44:48,672
All right, well, great,
so maybe I'll see you there sometime.
2462
01:44:49,120 --> 01:44:50,838
Thanks.
Yeah, thank you.
2463
01:44:51,360 --> 01:44:53,351
JESSE: Go here.
FLO: Like that? No, this?
2464
01:44:53,520 --> 01:44:54,520
JESSE: Go up.
2465
01:44:55,360 --> 01:44:57,271
Oh, no, that's terrible.
I love it.
2466
01:44:57,360 --> 01:44:58,839
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
2467
01:44:59,040 --> 01:45:00,216
RUSSELL: All right.
Let's eat, guys.
2468
01:45:00,240 --> 01:45:01,275
Let's eat, Mom.
2469
01:45:01,640 --> 01:45:03,198
Mom!
Whoa!
2470
01:45:04,160 --> 01:45:05,656
Mom, you didn't tell
me you were coming.
2471
01:45:05,680 --> 01:45:07,033
Surprise.
(LAUGHS) Oh.
2472
01:45:07,320 --> 01:45:08,878
I didn't know
you were coming.
2473
01:45:08,960 --> 01:45:10,951
Beta, I need money to
tip the Ubber driver.
2474
01:45:11,320 --> 01:45:12,320
Okay, it's Uber.
2475
01:45:13,080 --> 01:45:14,195
I came to see you.
2476
01:45:14,280 --> 01:45:16,475
How did you know
we were even here?
2477
01:45:16,560 --> 01:45:17,675
I'm a mother.
Mmm...
2478
01:45:17,760 --> 01:45:20,479
Flo, it's so good to see you.
Oh, my goodness.
2479
01:45:20,560 --> 01:45:21,754
We did it.
2480
01:45:22,360 --> 01:45:23,509
(LAUGHTER)
2481
01:45:24,520 --> 01:45:25,520
Okay.
2482
01:45:27,160 --> 01:45:28,354
Oh. Oh!
2483
01:45:28,440 --> 01:45:30,158
Wow! You look
really nice.
2484
01:45:30,440 --> 01:45:32,112
Are you ready?
2485
01:45:32,200 --> 01:45:33,872
I am ready.
2486
01:45:35,080 --> 01:45:39,039
Oh, but, um, I think
I'll need someone to hold Katie.
2487
01:45:42,920 --> 01:45:44,353
It would be my honor.
2488
01:45:46,200 --> 01:45:47,200
(CHUCKLES)
2489
01:45:47,240 --> 01:45:48,912
Okay, you ready?
2490
01:45:49,000 --> 01:45:50,069
Come to Grandma.
2491
01:45:50,440 --> 01:45:52,510
Oh.
Ooh, sticky.
2492
01:45:52,600 --> 01:45:53,936
(CHUCKLES) They're always sticky.
Ugh.
2493
01:45:53,960 --> 01:45:55,313
I mean...
(CHUCKLES)
2494
01:45:55,680 --> 01:45:57,033
Okay.
(CLEARS THROAT)
2495
01:45:57,200 --> 01:45:58,758
All right,
there we go.
2496
01:45:59,880 --> 01:46:00,880
(SIGHS)
2497
01:46:01,200 --> 01:46:02,200
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
2498
01:46:02,280 --> 01:46:03,713
A little higher.
Don't drop her.
2499
01:46:03,800 --> 01:46:05,392
Little bit higher.
Yup, perfect. Got it.
2500
01:46:05,480 --> 01:46:07,516
Got it.
(SOFTLY) Okay.
2501
01:46:07,600 --> 01:46:09,113
Should we start
without you?
2502
01:46:09,280 --> 01:46:11,840
Oh, no, we're good to go.
Thanks, Dominic.
2503
01:46:11,960 --> 01:46:13,791
(INHALES DEEPLY)
Okay.
2504
01:46:16,360 --> 01:46:18,396
All right, let's go.
2505
01:46:18,480 --> 01:46:19,480
(CHUCKLES)
2506
01:46:21,040 --> 01:46:23,110
Ma, how long
are you staying?
2507
01:46:23,680 --> 01:46:24,954
We'll see.
2508
01:46:25,040 --> 01:46:27,156
FLOO: Earl and I may
stay awhile, too.
2509
01:46:27,240 --> 01:46:28,559
They have a big house.
(EXHALES)
2510
01:46:29,720 --> 01:46:31,836
Sorry that took so long.
Here, honey.
2511
01:46:31,920 --> 01:46:35,356
Just let me finish these release
papers and you'll be on your way.
2512
01:46:35,800 --> 01:46:37,552
HENRY: Thanks, you've
been very helpful.
2513
01:46:38,640 --> 01:46:40,949
(BOTH SIGHING)
2514
01:46:41,240 --> 01:46:43,754
Well, that was one of our
more eventful Mother's Days.
2515
01:46:43,840 --> 01:46:47,515
I mean, to be honest,
I really prefer the really boring, sweet,
2516
01:46:47,600 --> 01:46:50,160
burnt pancakes in bed,
you know what I mean?
2517
01:46:50,920 --> 01:46:52,239
I'm sorry about yesterday.
2518
01:46:55,240 --> 01:46:56,798
That party was
really stupid.
2519
01:46:57,040 --> 01:46:58,280
I can't believe
you had a llama.
2520
01:46:58,320 --> 01:46:59,480
I can't believe
I had a llama.
2521
01:46:59,520 --> 01:47:00,669
And an alpaca.
2522
01:47:00,880 --> 01:47:04,668
(CHUCKLES) Hey, kids, what do you say
we go to IHOP for dinner?
2523
01:47:04,840 --> 01:47:06,068
Yeah!
Breakfast for dinner.
2524
01:47:06,240 --> 01:47:07,309
Yeah.
2525
01:47:07,440 --> 01:47:09,296
Your mom and I just have to
wait for this paperwork.
2526
01:47:09,320 --> 01:47:10,799
We'll be a few minutes.
2527
01:47:11,040 --> 01:47:13,031
Yeah, we'll just
wait in the car.
2528
01:47:13,120 --> 01:47:14,838
Okay, come on, boys.
Come on.
2529
01:47:19,440 --> 01:47:20,714
Hey, Sandy.
2530
01:47:20,800 --> 01:47:22,870
Hey, Sandy
with two sons!
2531
01:47:23,080 --> 01:47:24,832
(RACHEL AND VICKY LAUGHING)
2532
01:47:26,200 --> 01:47:27,428
(CHUCKLES)
2533
01:47:35,680 --> 01:47:39,992
So, who's
Captain Pink Pants?
2534
01:47:40,560 --> 01:47:42,755
Oh!
(LAUGHS)
2535
01:47:43,080 --> 01:47:44,433
Uh, first of all,
they're salmon.
2536
01:47:44,560 --> 01:47:46,676
Oh, is that what those were?
And they're cute.
2537
01:47:47,680 --> 01:47:48,999
Anyone I should
know about?
2538
01:47:49,120 --> 01:47:52,078
Oh, trust me, I'll shock
you when it's permanent. (CHUCKLES)
2539
01:47:52,240 --> 01:47:55,710
Yeah, and does he know how
you hate beards? Oh...
2540
01:47:56,040 --> 01:47:59,077
You know what, I think it's
actually quite sexy on him.
2541
01:47:59,200 --> 01:48:00,269
Oh...
2542
01:48:01,080 --> 01:48:02,308
And we're back
to normal.
2543
01:48:02,400 --> 01:48:03,549
Yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
2544
01:48:07,600 --> 01:48:09,113
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
2545
01:48:14,920 --> 01:48:15,989
GUEST: Uh-oh.
GUEST: Whoo!
2546
01:48:20,440 --> 01:48:22,158
This is just
how I pictured it.
2547
01:48:28,840 --> 01:48:30,319
(WEDDING MUSIC PLAYING)
2548
01:48:34,480 --> 01:48:36,038
(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)
2549
01:48:39,920 --> 01:48:41,797
Can we vow this up, please?
2550
01:48:41,880 --> 01:48:43,871
We got people
waiting for tables.
2551
01:48:44,160 --> 01:48:45,160
Oh...
2552
01:48:46,720 --> 01:48:47,720
(CHUCKLES)
Oh.
2553
01:48:48,560 --> 01:48:49,560
All right.
2554
01:48:51,120 --> 01:48:54,157
LANCE: We are gathered here
to unite these two souls.
2555
01:48:54,400 --> 01:48:56,072
Who is giving
this young lady away?
2556
01:48:56,200 --> 01:48:59,795
I do, but I'm going to hold
onto this one a little longer.
2557
01:49:01,200 --> 01:49:02,758
LANCE: Zack, do you take...
I do.
2558
01:49:03,040 --> 01:49:05,190
(CHUCKLES) Before she
changes her mind.
2559
01:49:05,880 --> 01:49:07,199
And do you, Kristin?
2560
01:49:08,080 --> 01:49:11,152
I do, and I won't
be changing my mind.
2561
01:49:11,360 --> 01:49:14,397
I now pronounce
you husband and wife.
2562
01:49:16,480 --> 01:49:18,038
If you don't kiss her,
I will.
2563
01:49:18,200 --> 01:49:19,200
(LAUGHTER)
2564
01:49:19,360 --> 01:49:20,679
(ALL CHEERING)
2565
01:49:26,160 --> 01:49:27,559
I'm very calm right now.
2566
01:49:27,640 --> 01:49:29,039
I see that.
I'm very happy.
2567
01:49:29,160 --> 01:49:31,000
That's very nice.
Let's take a picture of that.
2568
01:49:31,040 --> 01:49:32,871
Hold it high so we
both look skinny.
2569
01:49:42,360 --> 01:49:43,918
It's nothing.
I'm fine.
2570
01:49:44,000 --> 01:49:45,560
I know, it's fine.
Don't worry about it.
2571
01:49:45,640 --> 01:49:47,596
It's not scary, okay?
Scary.
2572
01:49:47,680 --> 01:49:48,829
It's not scary.
2573
01:49:58,640 --> 01:50:00,040
Isn't that obvious?
(BALLOON BURSTS)
2574
01:50:00,560 --> 01:50:01,788
(GRUNTING)
2575
01:50:01,880 --> 01:50:03,029
Man down.
2576
01:50:07,680 --> 01:50:08,715
(GRUNTS)
2577
01:50:08,800 --> 01:50:12,076
Come on, come on, come on!
Seriously? All right.
2578
01:50:16,200 --> 01:50:18,270
Hey. This is not a stadium,
it's a lobby.
2579
01:50:18,360 --> 01:50:20,954
MAN: Yeah, your hat, Hector!
Put on your hat.
2580
01:50:21,040 --> 01:50:22,439
What?
2581
01:50:22,520 --> 01:50:24,256
All right, this is not...
This is the wrong borough.
2582
01:50:24,280 --> 01:50:25,713
I'm from Manhattan.
The other one.
2583
01:50:25,800 --> 01:50:26,856
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
(CHUCKLES)
2584
01:50:26,880 --> 01:50:27,880
Okay, we're ready.
2585
01:50:27,960 --> 01:50:29,696
How's this going?
This is going to work very well.
2586
01:50:29,720 --> 01:50:32,996
(IN ACCENT) Okay. This is not a stadium,
this is a lobby.
2587
01:50:33,080 --> 01:50:34,638
You were not
an essay-contest winner.
2588
01:50:34,720 --> 01:50:38,872
But I do have this 100%
hypoallergenic right-side out bra,
2589
01:50:39,000 --> 01:50:41,036
(GASPS) for you to wear
home since you're
2590
01:50:41,440 --> 01:50:44,034
exposed on that side.
Oh, that's so kind of you.
2591
01:50:44,120 --> 01:50:45,120
(SNAPS FINGERS)
2592
01:50:45,480 --> 01:50:46,913
Thank you.
Pop that on. Gold plated.
2593
01:50:47,000 --> 01:50:48,274
Is this yours?
Well...
2594
01:50:48,400 --> 01:50:49,400
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)
2595
01:50:56,560 --> 01:51:00,155
It's one really... long train.
(ALL LAUGHING)
2596
01:51:00,240 --> 01:51:01,559
Jesus!
2597
01:51:03,680 --> 01:51:04,680
(SIGHS)
2598
01:51:09,520 --> 01:51:11,640
I need to shave my
legs again quickly. (CREW LAUGHING)
2599
01:51:12,400 --> 01:51:13,628
WOMAN: Hold him still.
Okay.
2600
01:51:13,720 --> 01:51:15,358
(BOTH YELLING)
2601
01:51:15,480 --> 01:51:16,595
He's moving.
2602
01:51:16,680 --> 01:51:19,069
Tanner, no, no, no, no,
not on her bag!
2603
01:51:21,400 --> 01:51:23,080
It's, like, the fourth
time he's done this.
2604
01:51:24,440 --> 01:51:26,431
Enough with
the surprises, Sandy.
2605
01:51:26,520 --> 01:51:28,238
Sandy? I'm Sandy.
2606
01:51:28,800 --> 01:51:30,376
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not here for a picture.
2607
01:51:30,400 --> 01:51:31,833
I'm here...
I'm here to show Julia.
2608
01:51:32,000 --> 01:51:33,433
(ALL LAUGHING)
2609
01:51:37,960 --> 01:51:38,960
(GRUNTS)
2610
01:51:40,120 --> 01:51:41,758
Justified.
2611
01:51:43,480 --> 01:51:46,153
Sweetie, sweetie, your banana.
Sorry, your banana.
2612
01:51:46,280 --> 01:51:47,280
Ow!
Oh!
2613
01:51:47,840 --> 01:51:49,956
Whoa!
(PEOPLE GASP)
2614
01:51:50,120 --> 01:51:51,633
(LAUGHS AND SIGHS)
2615
01:51:53,360 --> 01:51:54,360
(GRUNTS)
2616
01:51:54,600 --> 01:51:55,828
Oh, it's connected
to a string.
2617
01:51:55,920 --> 01:51:57,956
What? This is a big joke.
2618
01:51:58,120 --> 01:52:00,509
Maybe it's dental floss.
New thing dentists are doing.
2619
01:52:02,600 --> 01:52:04,318
Happy Mother's Day!
2620
01:58:46,040 --> 01:58:47,696
MAN: Went actually very well.
MIRANDA: She's so good!
2621
01:58:47,720 --> 01:58:49,631
Yay.
MAN: Go again.