1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,039 For God's sake, you bloody Yanks are all the same. 2 00:00:04,120 --> 00:00:07,954 You walk round like you're John Wayne then leave us to clean up your mess. 3 00:00:08,680 --> 00:00:11,557 I've got three embassies baying for blood. 4 00:00:11,639 --> 00:00:15,518 I've got two dead diplomats and a partridge in a bloody pear tree. 5 00:00:15,599 --> 00:00:18,591 Whitehall's running around like a bunch of headless chickens. 6 00:00:18,679 --> 00:00:22,069 What exactly am I supposed to tell the Prime Minister? 7 00:00:27,999 --> 00:00:30,034 Tell him Uncle Sam's in town. 8 00:00:31,478 --> 00:00:35,027 And we'll cut there, thank you. Check the gate, we're moving on. 9 00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:59,469 Sarge, those lads keep saying, "Afternoon, Cont-stable," 10 00:00:59,557 --> 00:01:03,516 but making it sound like you know what. What'll I do to them? Can I hit them? 11 00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:05,474 If I was a real copper, though, 12 00:01:05,557 --> 00:01:08,195 I'd get ready like that. I would and I'd have... 13 00:01:08,276 --> 00:01:11,234 It's all right, it's only hairspray. I like my prisoners to look good. 14 00:01:11,316 --> 00:01:14,752 Excuse me. Can I just say I thought you were really brilliant in that scene? 15 00:01:14,836 --> 00:01:17,987 Thank you. I didn't really do anything, I just had to hold this folder. 16 00:01:18,076 --> 00:01:21,068 Which you did brilliantly. Didn't drop it or anything. 17 00:01:21,156 --> 00:01:24,193 Well, you know, that's three years of drama school for you. 18 00:01:28,475 --> 00:01:31,751 - Sorry, I'm Maggie by the way. - Dan. 19 00:01:32,275 --> 00:01:33,993 - Hi, Dan. - Hi, Maggie. 20 00:01:35,275 --> 00:01:37,027 Look, I can't really talk now. I have to... 21 00:01:37,115 --> 00:01:41,074 Oh, no, sorry. You go and do your thing. So, I just wanted to say that. 22 00:01:41,675 --> 00:01:42,744 Thanks. 23 00:01:42,835 --> 00:01:44,268 - Bye. - See you. 24 00:01:45,595 --> 00:01:46,663 What? 25 00:01:46,754 --> 00:01:49,507 - What? Nothing. Just a normal conversation. - Stop it. 26 00:01:49,594 --> 00:01:52,427 He just held the file well, that's all you wanted to say to him. 27 00:01:52,514 --> 00:01:54,982 - Shut your face. Going to put my pumps on. - Don't leave me. 28 00:01:55,074 --> 00:01:57,827 - Why? - What if one of them talks to me? 29 00:01:58,914 --> 00:02:01,633 - Well, they're only human. - He's not. 30 00:02:03,354 --> 00:02:06,231 - Just two minutes, right? - Hurry up. 31 00:02:23,993 --> 00:02:25,664 - Quite incredible, eh? - Huh? 32 00:02:25,752 --> 00:02:29,347 - Mr Samuel L. Jackson in our midst. - No, I'm not Sam Jackson. 33 00:02:29,432 --> 00:02:32,071 I can see your confusion. We look alike. But... 34 00:02:34,552 --> 00:02:37,544 I've hit gold, eh? I've found the joker in the pack. 35 00:02:37,632 --> 00:02:39,065 I don't know about that. 36 00:02:39,152 --> 00:02:41,541 No, I tell you what, seriously, that is great, that is mate. 37 00:02:41,632 --> 00:02:44,351 That is brilliant. That's a gift that is, the gift of laughter. 38 00:02:44,432 --> 00:02:46,308 - You remind me of a mate of mine. - Yeah? 39 00:02:46,391 --> 00:02:48,541 Pete Shepherd. Used to run the launderers near me. 40 00:02:48,631 --> 00:02:51,304 - God, we used to have a laugh together. - Did you? 41 00:02:51,391 --> 00:02:53,427 He'd have me in hysterics every time I saw him. 42 00:02:53,511 --> 00:02:57,789 He was a Chelsea fan, I supported Spurs and when we met, we'd have a chat and laugh. 43 00:02:57,871 --> 00:03:01,750 - Yeah. Why are you telling me this? - We'd have a chat and laugh every time. 44 00:03:01,831 --> 00:03:03,469 - Good. - One day, a couple of kids, 45 00:03:03,551 --> 00:03:06,667 they were messing around in his shop, and they chucked bleach in his eyes 46 00:03:06,750 --> 00:03:08,627 and they blinded him. 47 00:03:12,470 --> 00:03:14,620 I went to visit him in the hospital. 48 00:03:15,510 --> 00:03:20,868 Tears were coming out of his bandaged, frazzled, useless eyes. 49 00:03:22,350 --> 00:03:23,862 And he went... 50 00:03:24,989 --> 00:03:27,219 "I don't think I'll ever laugh again." 51 00:03:28,589 --> 00:03:30,227 - You know what? - No. 52 00:03:31,189 --> 00:03:32,941 I don't think he has. 53 00:03:34,429 --> 00:03:36,897 I stopped going to visit him in the end, to be honest. 54 00:03:36,989 --> 00:03:39,742 - That cheer him up? - Got too depressing, you know. 55 00:03:39,829 --> 00:03:42,582 I only used to hang out with him because he was a laugh. 56 00:03:42,669 --> 00:03:45,228 But, he just got boring. 57 00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:47,822 He was miserable blind. That's not my cup of tea. 58 00:03:48,548 --> 00:03:51,142 - "My eyes, my eyes..." - Andy. 59 00:03:51,228 --> 00:03:53,867 - Sorry to interrupt. - No, please don't apologise. 60 00:03:53,948 --> 00:03:56,098 I need someone to do a few lines sometime next week, 61 00:03:56,188 --> 00:03:59,146 probably not until Tuesday, it's an officer in an ID parade. 62 00:03:59,228 --> 00:04:01,742 - Interested in that? - I don't mind. 63 00:04:01,828 --> 00:04:06,105 Hang on, I was already seen. I was on the desk when Sam Jackson walked past. 64 00:04:06,187 --> 00:04:08,382 Yeah? No, I can't use you then. Sorry, mate. 65 00:04:08,467 --> 00:04:10,617 - Need someone who hasn't been seen. - He hasn't been seen. 66 00:04:10,707 --> 00:04:12,345 - I haven't been seen. - You fancy that? 67 00:04:12,427 --> 00:04:14,304 Sam Jackson comes in, you're joking around with him 68 00:04:14,387 --> 00:04:16,981 and you go, "Ten to one he's going to pick Sergeant Harris again." 69 00:04:17,067 --> 00:04:19,342 - With Sam Jackson? - Yeah, you want to have a stab at that? 70 00:04:19,427 --> 00:04:20,576 - Yeah? - Yeah. 71 00:04:20,667 --> 00:04:23,134 - I'll let you know when. It won't be today. - Okay. 72 00:04:23,226 --> 00:04:24,944 - Cheers. - All right. 73 00:04:26,546 --> 00:04:30,983 Oh, bloody hell. A line with Sam Jackson. Cheers for that. 74 00:04:31,666 --> 00:04:35,375 - I owe you one. - Hey, a favour's a favour. Don't worry. 75 00:04:35,466 --> 00:04:38,264 - Just take me out one night. - What? 76 00:04:39,106 --> 00:04:41,255 Take me out, on the town, one night. 77 00:04:59,025 --> 00:05:01,094 Let's go and eat on the other bus. 78 00:05:01,184 --> 00:05:03,857 - Why? - Nothing, no reason. Don't need a reason. 79 00:05:03,944 --> 00:05:06,697 Just let's do something out of the ordinary once in a while. 80 00:05:06,784 --> 00:05:09,981 - Yeah, all right. - Bit of a break from the old routine. 81 00:05:12,584 --> 00:05:15,337 Whoa. Where are you going? You can't come on here, it's actors only. 82 00:05:15,424 --> 00:05:17,858 - I am an actor. - No, you're background. 83 00:05:17,944 --> 00:05:21,413 - Your bus is over there. This is for actors. - I am an actor. 84 00:05:21,503 --> 00:05:23,653 No, your voucher is green, that means you're background. 85 00:05:23,743 --> 00:05:27,497 Okay. So you're judging my entire career on the colour of my voucher? 86 00:05:27,583 --> 00:05:30,575 No, I'm sure you've had major roles in other things. 87 00:05:30,663 --> 00:05:32,255 - He hasn't. - Shut up. 88 00:05:32,343 --> 00:05:34,334 - I can't let you on here. Okay? - Sure. 89 00:05:34,423 --> 00:05:37,813 There's no one on, though. Can I just eat here and go? I'll be five minutes. 90 00:05:37,903 --> 00:05:39,335 - I can't allow it. - No? 91 00:05:39,422 --> 00:05:41,140 You can't come on here. 92 00:05:41,222 --> 00:05:44,214 You've got a perfectly good bus over there. This bus is for actual actors. 93 00:05:44,302 --> 00:05:45,735 Yeah, don't know why I asked! 94 00:05:45,822 --> 00:05:48,939 Mental! As if I could go on a bus meant for other people. 95 00:05:49,022 --> 00:05:51,741 - I don't really know him. Can I come on? - No. 96 00:05:52,502 --> 00:05:53,730 Okay. 97 00:05:55,102 --> 00:05:56,217 Pig. 98 00:06:13,941 --> 00:06:14,930 Hiya. 99 00:06:15,021 --> 00:06:16,534 - Got any more jokes? - I haven't. No. 100 00:06:16,621 --> 00:06:18,417 - Come on, eh? - I... 101 00:06:19,540 --> 00:06:21,292 What's ET short for? 102 00:06:21,380 --> 00:06:23,689 - Don't know. - He's only got little legs. 103 00:06:25,180 --> 00:06:26,977 - My uncle was like you. - Was he? 104 00:06:27,060 --> 00:06:31,053 A very funny guy. Not towards the end, though. 105 00:06:31,140 --> 00:06:33,973 Not so much to laugh about towards the end. 106 00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:36,369 Lost both his legs, you see. Thrombosis. 107 00:06:37,060 --> 00:06:40,608 There was very little to laugh about when he knew he was stuck downstairs. 108 00:06:40,699 --> 00:06:45,375 No legs and he could hear his wife upstairs with another man having it off. 109 00:06:47,779 --> 00:06:51,294 Despite the morphine, he could still hear her up there. 110 00:06:51,379 --> 00:06:52,653 At it. 111 00:06:53,699 --> 00:06:56,452 They reckon he died of a broken heart in the end. 112 00:06:57,858 --> 00:07:01,055 Still, it's a wonderful gift that. 113 00:07:03,018 --> 00:07:04,417 Laughter. 114 00:07:05,938 --> 00:07:08,247 Yeah. The gift that keeps on giving. 115 00:07:08,338 --> 00:07:11,967 I've got to go and slash my wrists. I'll see you later, all right? 116 00:07:12,058 --> 00:07:14,367 Hey, what are you doing on Saturday afternoon? 117 00:07:14,458 --> 00:07:15,493 Why? 118 00:07:15,578 --> 00:07:19,570 I thought you could come round my place, couple of lads, open a couple of cans. 119 00:07:19,657 --> 00:07:22,888 I got a new DVD. Do you know what it is? 120 00:07:22,977 --> 00:07:24,410 Vera Drake. 121 00:07:26,537 --> 00:07:29,927 Tempting. I've got to watch the game. 122 00:07:30,017 --> 00:07:32,577 It's Chelsea-Man U. So, see you later. 123 00:07:32,657 --> 00:07:34,773 When are we gonna go for that night out? 124 00:07:35,896 --> 00:07:38,615 - What? - I know a lovely little restaurant. 125 00:07:38,696 --> 00:07:42,450 You said shall we go for an evening out and I didn't say no. 126 00:07:42,536 --> 00:07:44,572 - Are you going back on your promise? - It's not a promise. 127 00:07:44,656 --> 00:07:47,124 - It was. - You did me a favour, which I thank you for, 128 00:07:47,216 --> 00:07:50,686 but I don't think it warrants a whole evening out, a candlelit meal. 129 00:07:50,776 --> 00:07:53,688 - What's wrong with going for a meal? - Nothing. But a bit weird. 130 00:07:53,776 --> 00:07:56,084 What's weird about a couple of mates having a meal together? 131 00:07:56,175 --> 00:07:59,326 - We're not really friends... - But that's how we'll become friends. 132 00:07:59,415 --> 00:08:01,849 I go out for meals with people that are already friends. 133 00:08:01,935 --> 00:08:05,052 I don't go up to people and go, "All right, mate. I don't know you from Adam 134 00:08:05,135 --> 00:08:07,171 "but do you want to go to Butlins for the weekend? 135 00:08:07,255 --> 00:08:09,610 "You might be a mental case but let's find out." It's mad. 136 00:08:09,695 --> 00:08:11,447 - Do you know what I mean? - No. 137 00:08:11,535 --> 00:08:13,253 What you... 138 00:08:13,335 --> 00:08:14,733 Oh! 139 00:08:21,014 --> 00:08:22,606 - Hi. - Hello. 140 00:08:24,134 --> 00:08:26,602 - Hi. It's Maggie. - Yeah, Dan. 141 00:08:27,294 --> 00:08:28,727 - Hi again. - Yeah. 142 00:08:31,454 --> 00:08:33,842 So how long have you been in this lark, then? 143 00:08:33,933 --> 00:08:37,289 I've only been acting for a couple of years. Done a couple of plays. 144 00:08:37,373 --> 00:08:39,841 I'd like to do more films but they're hard to come by. 145 00:08:39,933 --> 00:08:42,686 - So, I'm just trying to get into TV. - Sure. 146 00:08:42,773 --> 00:08:45,810 To be honest, there's not a lot of black faces needed on television. 147 00:08:45,893 --> 00:08:47,406 No. 148 00:08:47,493 --> 00:08:49,609 - Crimewatch. - What? 149 00:08:49,693 --> 00:08:53,162 The reconstructions on Crimewatch. They always need black actors. 150 00:08:54,652 --> 00:08:58,611 Or white actors. They need black actors and white actors. 151 00:08:58,692 --> 00:09:01,490 Depending on who's committed the crime that day. 152 00:09:01,572 --> 00:09:04,291 I mean, there's criminals, black criminals. 153 00:09:04,372 --> 00:09:07,842 Certainly there's white criminals as well as black criminals. 154 00:09:08,612 --> 00:09:12,127 Oh, God! I've just remembered I've got to go... 155 00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:16,401 Yeah, what was that again? It was the... It was a bag. 156 00:09:16,491 --> 00:09:18,607 Yes, I'll see you later. 157 00:09:23,611 --> 00:09:26,330 Why don't you just tell him you don't want to be his friend? 158 00:09:26,411 --> 00:09:28,879 It's too damning. You can't say that to someone. 159 00:09:28,971 --> 00:09:32,087 That is saying that you fundamentally have a problem with their personality. 160 00:09:32,170 --> 00:09:34,809 - What are you gonna do? - The only honourable thing I can do. 161 00:09:34,890 --> 00:09:37,040 - What? - Add him to the long list of people 162 00:09:37,130 --> 00:09:39,963 that I have to avoid for the rest of my life. 163 00:09:40,930 --> 00:09:42,682 You can never have that time back. 164 00:09:42,770 --> 00:09:46,445 I sat through a whole evening of Comic Relief once because I was... 165 00:09:46,530 --> 00:09:48,043 Sorry, excuse me. 166 00:09:48,130 --> 00:09:49,643 - Are you an actress in this film? - Yeah. 167 00:09:49,730 --> 00:09:51,367 - You can't come on here. - Sorry? 168 00:09:51,449 --> 00:09:55,886 You can't come on here. This bus is for supporting artists and you're an actress. 169 00:09:55,969 --> 00:09:58,847 - What are you talking about? - You've got your own bus there. 170 00:09:58,929 --> 00:10:00,920 And we've got our own bus. I'm not allowed on yours, 171 00:10:01,009 --> 00:10:04,524 you're not allowed on mine, but you can come on. On you go. 172 00:10:05,689 --> 00:10:07,520 - No. - This is pathetic. 173 00:10:07,609 --> 00:10:10,406 I know. It is pathetic, isn't it? But you can't come on. 174 00:10:10,488 --> 00:10:13,207 - Get out the way. - Look, I don't make the rules here. 175 00:10:13,288 --> 00:10:15,848 - You're a child. - Yeah, well, that's as may be. 176 00:10:16,528 --> 00:10:20,680 We'll stick to our own, you stick to your own and then we're all happy. 177 00:10:29,727 --> 00:10:31,399 - He doesn't think you're a racist. - He does. 178 00:10:31,487 --> 00:10:34,604 He's just seen me say to a black woman, "You're not allowed to sit on this bus." 179 00:10:34,687 --> 00:10:37,121 It's like that whole racism on a bus incident all over again. 180 00:10:37,207 --> 00:10:40,836 - The Rosa Parks incident? - It wasn't in a park, it was on a bus. 181 00:10:41,647 --> 00:10:42,841 Sure. 182 00:10:42,927 --> 00:10:45,919 He doesn't think you're a racist. And even if he does, which he doesn't, 183 00:10:46,007 --> 00:10:48,043 he's wrong because you're not. Don't worry about it. 184 00:10:48,127 --> 00:10:53,075 But what if I am and I don't know it? What if subconsciously, I'm a little bit racist? 185 00:10:54,766 --> 00:10:58,441 - Well, there is that test I can give you. - What test? 186 00:10:58,526 --> 00:11:01,199 The racism test. The one they give you when you join the council 187 00:11:01,286 --> 00:11:03,595 - to make sure you're not racist. - I've never heard of it. 188 00:11:03,686 --> 00:11:06,405 - Do you want to do it? Just 10 questions. - Go on, then. 189 00:11:06,486 --> 00:11:09,636 Right, you've got to answer just totally honestly, okay? 190 00:11:11,365 --> 00:11:15,722 Just relax, you've got nothing to worry about unless you are a racist. 191 00:11:15,805 --> 00:11:19,639 Question one is who would you rather see with their shirt off? 192 00:11:19,725 --> 00:11:21,681 Brad Pitt or Sir Trevor McDonald? 193 00:11:21,765 --> 00:11:23,960 - Brad Pitt, obviously. - Obviously. 194 00:11:25,885 --> 00:11:28,682 - What? - No, I can't say anything till the end. 195 00:11:28,764 --> 00:11:31,597 Right, question two. This is about racial awareness. 196 00:11:31,684 --> 00:11:34,596 'Cause often you catch out a real racist because they don't know 197 00:11:34,684 --> 00:11:36,993 or care about any black issues. 198 00:11:37,084 --> 00:11:39,393 Who's the Prime Minister of Great Britain? 199 00:11:39,484 --> 00:11:40,712 - Tony Blair. - Correct. 200 00:11:40,804 --> 00:11:43,238 Who is the Prime Minister of Namibia? 201 00:11:47,723 --> 00:11:49,281 I don't know. 202 00:11:49,363 --> 00:11:51,479 You knew the white one. Okay, good. 203 00:11:52,163 --> 00:11:54,518 Oh, dear. Who is the Queen of England? 204 00:11:54,603 --> 00:11:56,241 - Queen Elizabeth II. - Correct. 205 00:11:56,323 --> 00:11:58,393 Who is the President of Djibouti? 206 00:11:59,483 --> 00:12:02,873 This is ridiculous. I've never even heard of blooming Djibouti. 207 00:12:02,963 --> 00:12:05,716 Please do not ridicule the totally valid African language. 208 00:12:05,803 --> 00:12:07,520 Right, next question. 209 00:12:07,602 --> 00:12:10,719 Who would you rather have waiting for you when you got home tonight? 210 00:12:10,802 --> 00:12:12,952 Johnny Depp or OJ Simpson? 211 00:12:14,242 --> 00:12:17,200 - Johnny Depp because of the murder thing. - Because of the murder thing? 212 00:12:17,282 --> 00:12:19,398 I think you'll find that Mr OJ Simpson was acquitted 213 00:12:19,482 --> 00:12:21,552 but in your eyes 'cause he's black, he's still guilty. 214 00:12:21,642 --> 00:12:24,714 - People still think he is guilty. - Racist people still think he's guilty. 215 00:12:24,802 --> 00:12:26,917 - I'm not a racist. - I'm just going by the test. 216 00:12:27,001 --> 00:12:29,356 I'm trying to get off with a black person. 217 00:12:29,441 --> 00:12:31,875 Yes, but according to you, you wouldn't want him waiting for you 218 00:12:31,961 --> 00:12:33,553 in your house when you got home tonight. 219 00:12:33,641 --> 00:12:35,791 Only because I would go, "How did you get in here?" 220 00:12:35,881 --> 00:12:39,032 Now he's breaking and entering as well. Fascist. 221 00:12:39,121 --> 00:12:41,476 Right, I'm going to go and ask him out now. 222 00:12:41,561 --> 00:12:42,994 - Hold on. - Watch. 223 00:12:43,081 --> 00:12:46,117 Tell him you had a hate rating of 9.8, one more than Hitler. 224 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:48,191 Watch, I'm going now. 225 00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:52,952 He said yes. 226 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:56,350 He is so lovely and totally amazing and I'm going out for a drink with him. 227 00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:57,634 - When? - Tonight. 228 00:12:57,720 --> 00:13:00,439 - Well done. - I'm a wee bit nervous about this date. 229 00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:02,238 Racist. 230 00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:04,356 - Did you get my plate? - No. 231 00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:05,952 You left it. 232 00:13:07,599 --> 00:13:09,157 ANDY: Quick! 233 00:13:10,279 --> 00:13:15,069 Oh, very cool. It'd be funny if you were squashed like that, wouldn't it? 234 00:13:17,399 --> 00:13:20,311 Would you rather die of the cold or die of the heat? 235 00:13:20,799 --> 00:13:24,188 Would you rather be trapped in a freezer or trapped in a microwave? 236 00:13:24,278 --> 00:13:27,475 - How would you get trapped in a microwave? - Hiya. 237 00:13:27,558 --> 00:13:28,832 - You going to the station? - No. 238 00:13:28,918 --> 00:13:30,476 - Going back into town? - No. 239 00:13:30,558 --> 00:13:32,788 - Where you going, then? - We're just... 240 00:13:33,798 --> 00:13:35,834 We're going in here. 241 00:13:37,158 --> 00:13:39,069 - Really? - Yeah. 242 00:13:39,158 --> 00:13:40,637 - So... - Why? 243 00:13:41,518 --> 00:13:43,633 - We're going to visit his mum's grave. - Yes. 244 00:13:43,717 --> 00:13:45,275 Taking her some flowers and stuff. 245 00:13:45,357 --> 00:13:48,155 - You haven't got any flowers. - Not taking her some flowers. 246 00:13:48,237 --> 00:13:51,274 Collecting the dead flowers from all the other visits. 247 00:13:52,077 --> 00:13:54,386 That's a bit of a coincidence, isn't it? 248 00:13:54,477 --> 00:13:58,231 She's buried in the graveyard next to the studio we're working at. 249 00:13:58,317 --> 00:14:01,707 - Handy. That's why we're going. - We'll see you later. 250 00:14:01,797 --> 00:14:03,752 Do you mind if I come with you? 251 00:14:03,836 --> 00:14:05,872 Why would I? Come on. 252 00:14:16,876 --> 00:14:21,188 You don't have to wait around. I'll be about half an hour and I get quite emotional so... 253 00:14:21,276 --> 00:14:24,506 That's all right, that's not a worry. That's not a problem, mate. No. 254 00:14:24,595 --> 00:14:27,712 I've spent a lot of time by graves. I'm used to it. 255 00:14:27,795 --> 00:14:29,786 You take your time. Enjoy. 256 00:14:31,035 --> 00:14:33,265 Yeah. Which one is it anyway? 257 00:14:33,355 --> 00:14:34,834 - Which one? - That one. 258 00:14:34,915 --> 00:14:37,224 - That one. - The one with the... 259 00:14:37,595 --> 00:14:38,948 Yeah. 260 00:14:39,755 --> 00:14:43,303 - There she is. - Rebecca Leibovitch. 261 00:14:43,394 --> 00:14:44,873 Mum. 262 00:14:44,954 --> 00:14:47,263 Sounds Jewish. I didn't know you were Jewish. 263 00:14:47,354 --> 00:14:49,106 Didn't you? Oy! 264 00:14:49,594 --> 00:14:51,425 Yeah, oy. 265 00:14:52,754 --> 00:14:55,473 Good God, died in 1953. 266 00:14:56,554 --> 00:14:58,545 How old does that make you, then? 267 00:14:59,714 --> 00:15:02,830 - At least 52. 52. - You're 52? 268 00:15:02,913 --> 00:15:05,108 - Don't look it one bit. - No, thanks. 269 00:15:05,193 --> 00:15:06,831 Hard to believe, isn't it? 270 00:15:06,913 --> 00:15:11,145 Just like it's hard to believe that we were just passing my dead mother's grave... 271 00:15:11,233 --> 00:15:13,542 who is Jewish. 272 00:15:13,633 --> 00:15:15,908 She was born in 1893. 273 00:15:15,993 --> 00:15:18,632 So she died when she was 60. 274 00:15:19,873 --> 00:15:21,430 In childbirth. 275 00:15:21,512 --> 00:15:24,948 They warned her. They said, "Becky, you cannot have a kid at your age." 276 00:15:25,032 --> 00:15:27,466 - But old Ma Leibovitch didn't listen. - No. 277 00:15:27,552 --> 00:15:30,271 - And here I am, 52 and Jewish. - Yeah. 278 00:15:31,752 --> 00:15:34,027 - Okay. - Why did you change your surname, then? 279 00:15:34,112 --> 00:15:37,184 Fed up with the persecution. The usual story, isn't it? 280 00:15:37,272 --> 00:15:40,422 Enough is enough, proud race and religion. 281 00:15:41,271 --> 00:15:42,863 - Is your dad round here? - No. 282 00:15:42,951 --> 00:15:44,464 He's still alive. 283 00:15:44,551 --> 00:15:45,870 - Really? - Apparently. 284 00:15:45,951 --> 00:15:48,181 - How old is he, then? - 100. 285 00:15:48,271 --> 00:15:50,910 - He's doing well though for 100. - Yeah. 286 00:15:52,711 --> 00:15:56,067 Do you like taking the mickey out of me? This fun for you, is it? 287 00:15:56,151 --> 00:15:57,504 What? 288 00:15:57,591 --> 00:15:59,740 That is not your mother's grave. 289 00:16:01,070 --> 00:16:03,379 - Oh, no! - And I don't think you're Jewish. 290 00:16:03,470 --> 00:16:06,382 - No she pointed to that... - Why do you keep lying to me? 291 00:16:06,470 --> 00:16:08,222 - I don't keep lying to you. - Yes, you do. 292 00:16:08,310 --> 00:16:10,699 You said that we were going to go for a nice meal. 293 00:16:10,790 --> 00:16:14,260 Then you went back on that. Do you think I haven't got any feelings? 294 00:16:14,350 --> 00:16:17,626 I know you've got feelings. Which is why I thought I would avoid the issue. 295 00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:20,507 I don't want to go for a meal with someone... 296 00:16:20,589 --> 00:16:23,308 You won't go for a meal with me because you hate me. 297 00:16:23,389 --> 00:16:25,027 - I don't hate you. - You hate me so much 298 00:16:25,109 --> 00:16:29,182 that you can't bear to sit opposite me, have a nibble on a bit of food in my company. 299 00:16:29,269 --> 00:16:32,818 - I could have a meal with you. - I know, I'm not the joker of the pack. 300 00:16:32,909 --> 00:16:36,140 - That's nothing to do with it. - All right, I might not be able to do that. 301 00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:39,345 I'm reliable. If I say I'll be somewhere, I'm there. 302 00:16:39,428 --> 00:16:41,658 I know. I'm quite happy to have a meal with you. 303 00:16:41,748 --> 00:16:43,579 You're just saying that now because... 304 00:16:43,668 --> 00:16:45,704 - No, I'd like to have a meal with you. - When? 305 00:16:45,788 --> 00:16:47,107 - Any time. - Tonight? 306 00:16:47,188 --> 00:16:48,587 - Not tonight. - See what I mean? 307 00:16:48,668 --> 00:16:50,101 Okay, tonight. 308 00:16:50,188 --> 00:16:53,339 Tonight will be fine. Let's have a meal tonight, okay? 309 00:16:53,428 --> 00:16:55,180 I'm looking forward to it. 310 00:16:58,347 --> 00:17:00,622 Aw... poor... Oh, no. Come on. 311 00:17:05,427 --> 00:17:08,737 Louise, 13. Karen, 10. 312 00:17:10,347 --> 00:17:13,020 Haven't seen either of them in three months. 313 00:17:14,267 --> 00:17:17,303 Word of advice, never get married. 314 00:17:19,106 --> 00:17:21,142 And if you do get married, 315 00:17:21,226 --> 00:17:24,298 don't let your wife go to the greengrocer's on her own. 316 00:17:25,146 --> 00:17:26,704 - Right? - Right. 317 00:17:27,506 --> 00:17:32,057 She was going out three, four times a week. Getting fresh fruit and veg. 318 00:17:33,346 --> 00:17:36,143 I said to her, "Why don't we do one big shop?" 319 00:17:37,185 --> 00:17:40,621 No, she wasn't having that. She was always down there. 320 00:17:42,505 --> 00:17:44,416 I got suspicious, you know. 321 00:17:44,505 --> 00:17:48,100 My wife's going out 8:00 at night to buy cauliflower. 322 00:17:51,905 --> 00:17:54,180 Right, then. What we having? 323 00:17:55,944 --> 00:17:58,902 - Shall I order us some champagne? - No, it's not appropriate. 324 00:17:58,984 --> 00:18:02,772 We'll have a lager. We'll have a lager each, down it and go home and watch telly. 325 00:18:02,864 --> 00:18:04,661 In our separate homes. 326 00:18:06,504 --> 00:18:09,974 - I don't... What are you going to have? - I don't know. 327 00:18:11,344 --> 00:18:13,858 Cor, I just can't decide. 328 00:18:13,984 --> 00:18:16,338 - What a tragic couple we are. - We're not a couple. 329 00:18:16,423 --> 00:18:19,779 His wife left him and I'm out shagging, regular as clockwork. 330 00:18:47,702 --> 00:18:52,901 There's this stallion of a horse, right, being brought on to set, 331 00:18:52,982 --> 00:18:57,372 and whose got to ride it? Me. Okay. All right. 332 00:18:57,461 --> 00:19:00,817 So, okay, I can't go out like a chump. So I big up my chest 333 00:19:00,901 --> 00:19:02,653 and I'm going to ride this horse. 334 00:19:02,741 --> 00:19:05,653 - I get on the horse... - Got to go to the toilet. 335 00:19:06,501 --> 00:19:08,014 Yeah, sure, yeah. 336 00:19:11,621 --> 00:19:14,009 - What you got there? - Nothing. 337 00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:16,568 - No, you've got something. What is it? - No, it's fine. 338 00:19:16,660 --> 00:19:18,173 - Let me see. - It's nothing. 339 00:19:18,260 --> 00:19:20,535 Come on, let me see. What you got? 340 00:19:24,540 --> 00:19:26,258 It's just a golliwog... toy. 341 00:19:26,980 --> 00:19:28,572 - A golly toy. - A what? 342 00:19:29,380 --> 00:19:30,859 A golly toy. 343 00:19:30,940 --> 00:19:35,729 Don't worry about that, though. I mean, I have had Sambo... San... Sinbad 344 00:19:35,819 --> 00:19:39,255 since I was about six or seven. He's been in the family for years. 345 00:19:39,339 --> 00:19:42,331 So, I mean, that's harmless. I think, if I was a racist, 346 00:19:42,419 --> 00:19:44,808 I wouldn't be about to do what we were about to do. 347 00:19:44,899 --> 00:19:49,336 Not that I know what we were about to do, but whatever you want to do I'm up for it. 348 00:19:49,419 --> 00:19:51,693 - Why were you trying to hide it? - I wasn't hiding it. 349 00:19:51,778 --> 00:19:55,373 I was putting it there because it puts me off. Well, it doesn't put me off. 350 00:19:55,458 --> 00:19:58,609 I was putting them altogether, all the toys together. 351 00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:00,768 Because all the toys are equal. 352 00:20:00,858 --> 00:20:03,247 Hello. How are you? 353 00:20:03,338 --> 00:20:07,331 Hello, there... Hello, there. How are you? 354 00:20:07,418 --> 00:20:11,410 I'm fine. I'm not a racist. In fact, I think I fancy you. 355 00:20:11,497 --> 00:20:13,135 Oh! Oh! 356 00:20:26,897 --> 00:20:29,570 - I think I'm going to shoot off. - No, really? 357 00:20:29,657 --> 00:20:30,884 - Yeah. - Sorry. 358 00:20:30,976 --> 00:20:34,207 No, it's totally cool. I just think the black thing's getting in the way here. 359 00:20:34,296 --> 00:20:35,411 No, it's not. 360 00:20:35,496 --> 00:20:37,612 Don't worry, I don't think you're a racist or anything. 361 00:20:37,696 --> 00:20:40,085 I just think that it's on your mind and you can't get past it. 362 00:20:40,176 --> 00:20:42,929 So, you know, we should just relax and rewind things a bit. 363 00:20:43,016 --> 00:20:46,053 Okay. Look, can I just say something? 364 00:20:46,136 --> 00:20:49,651 The black thing, it's not an issue. I hardly notice it, really. 365 00:20:49,735 --> 00:20:52,807 Maggie, it's fine. It's cool. Let's do something next week, shall we? 366 00:20:52,895 --> 00:20:54,613 - We'll go out Friday. - Yes. 367 00:20:54,695 --> 00:20:56,333 - Dinner, dancing? - Definitely. 368 00:20:56,415 --> 00:20:59,805 I love dancing, me. Are you a good dancer? 369 00:20:59,895 --> 00:21:03,205 Not that there's any reason why you should be a good dancer. 370 00:21:04,135 --> 00:21:07,013 I have to... I'm going to go. I'll speak to you tomorrow. 371 00:21:07,095 --> 00:21:10,211 - Yeah. Okay. - All right, see you. 372 00:21:10,294 --> 00:21:12,171 - See you. Okay. - Bye. 373 00:21:12,254 --> 00:21:14,609 Thanks again for the wine and everything. 374 00:21:14,694 --> 00:21:16,127 - Okay, bye. - See you. 375 00:21:21,094 --> 00:21:22,686 Oh! 376 00:21:23,774 --> 00:21:27,210 - This is delicious. Try that. - No, what are you doing? 377 00:21:29,973 --> 00:21:32,612 - Jesus, listen to that. - What? 378 00:21:33,293 --> 00:21:35,853 That big... fat hippo. 379 00:21:38,893 --> 00:21:40,406 Listen to this, right. 380 00:21:41,053 --> 00:21:43,613 Nothing. I'm two feet away. Now, listen to him. 381 00:21:45,613 --> 00:21:48,080 Oh! He's driving me mental. 382 00:21:51,012 --> 00:21:53,924 You really are Mr Grumpy Boots tonight, aren't you? 383 00:21:57,092 --> 00:22:01,005 I can't do this, sorry. I can't go through with this. 384 00:22:02,812 --> 00:22:04,689 I am so fed up. 385 00:22:04,772 --> 00:22:06,842 I'm 43 years old 386 00:22:06,932 --> 00:22:09,968 and most people my age are out with their wives or their girlfriends. 387 00:22:10,051 --> 00:22:13,123 I'm sat here having dinner with another middle-aged man... 388 00:22:13,771 --> 00:22:17,480 because I felt sorry for you. And don't take this the wrong way, 389 00:22:17,571 --> 00:22:20,165 I looked at you and I thought, "What a pathetic loser." 390 00:22:20,251 --> 00:22:22,765 And I took pity on you and that's why I came. 391 00:22:22,851 --> 00:22:24,887 I'm worse off than you in many ways. 392 00:22:24,971 --> 00:22:29,168 I'm lower on the chain than you. How do you think that makes me feel? 393 00:22:31,170 --> 00:22:34,446 And I'm not having a go at you because I know you're a nice bloke. 394 00:22:34,530 --> 00:22:38,443 But, I've got to go, mate, because I'm actually depressed. 395 00:22:39,330 --> 00:22:43,323 Wait, I understand. I know what you're saying. 396 00:22:44,730 --> 00:22:45,845 Look... 397 00:22:47,009 --> 00:22:50,718 I got you this as a surprise. I was going to give it to you later 398 00:22:50,809 --> 00:22:53,642 - but you may as well have it now. - What is it? 399 00:22:55,889 --> 00:22:57,242 That... 400 00:22:58,689 --> 00:23:03,444 is two tickets for the Ben Elton musical, We Will Rock You. 401 00:23:19,488 --> 00:23:21,683 What are you doing? 402 00:23:33,807 --> 00:23:35,877 Oh! Hm... 403 00:23:43,647 --> 00:23:45,477 See you later. 404 00:23:46,206 --> 00:23:47,685 Cheers. 405 00:24:00,406 --> 00:24:02,556 I've really had it with all this. I am so fed up. 406 00:24:02,646 --> 00:24:04,442 - It'll be all right. - What will? 407 00:24:04,525 --> 00:24:07,676 People always say that. What'll be all right? When will it be all right? 408 00:24:07,765 --> 00:24:11,599 - I'm 43. I've got nothing. - No, listen, things are looking up. 409 00:24:11,685 --> 00:24:14,961 You've got a line with Samuel L. Jackson, haven't you? 410 00:24:15,045 --> 00:24:19,675 - It's a start. Please, don't be like this. - Oh, it's just... 411 00:24:19,765 --> 00:24:23,598 It's just after last night, I was... How was your evening? Any better? 412 00:24:24,364 --> 00:24:25,843 Word of advice. 413 00:24:25,924 --> 00:24:28,563 If you get the most amazing, gorgeous, good looking black guy 414 00:24:28,644 --> 00:24:32,239 in the world back at your house, don't leave your golliwog lying around. 415 00:24:32,324 --> 00:24:34,042 That's remarkable advice, cheers. 416 00:24:34,124 --> 00:24:36,763 Then he caught me trying to hide it which made matters worse. 417 00:24:36,844 --> 00:24:38,596 Why did you try and hide it? 418 00:24:38,684 --> 00:24:42,801 I didn't want to offend him. And he was right 'cause the black thing was on my mind. 419 00:24:42,883 --> 00:24:46,273 I didn't know whether to talk about black things or not talk about black things. 420 00:24:46,363 --> 00:24:49,036 I ended up talking about what I thought he wanted to hear. 421 00:24:49,123 --> 00:24:52,001 Don't pander to him just because he's black. 422 00:24:52,083 --> 00:24:54,802 - Lf he says, "I like reggae," and you don't... - Which I don't. 423 00:24:54,883 --> 00:24:56,680 ...then say you don't. 424 00:24:56,763 --> 00:24:59,755 It's not being racist. It's having an opinion. 425 00:24:59,843 --> 00:25:04,154 - I'll go and have a wee word with him now. - Aye, go and have a wee word with him. 426 00:25:08,002 --> 00:25:09,594 - Hi. - Hey. 427 00:25:09,682 --> 00:25:11,991 - Can I have a quick word? - Yes, of course. 428 00:25:12,082 --> 00:25:14,516 I just wanted to say that I hate reggae. 429 00:25:15,242 --> 00:25:16,960 - Sorry? - I hate reggae, I hate it. 430 00:25:17,042 --> 00:25:21,592 It's slow, everything sounds the same, it's boring, I can't be doing with it. 431 00:25:21,681 --> 00:25:23,080 What do you think? 432 00:25:23,161 --> 00:25:25,470 - I don't particularly like reggae, either. - Right. 433 00:25:25,561 --> 00:25:27,711 Well, even if you did like it, I would still hate it. 434 00:25:27,801 --> 00:25:30,269 - What sort of music do you like? - Well, I like jazz. 435 00:25:30,361 --> 00:25:32,352 I hate jazz. I hate it. 436 00:25:32,441 --> 00:25:35,399 In fact, do you know who I really hate in jazz? 437 00:25:35,481 --> 00:25:38,678 You know that big fat black man? Him with the big fat puffed out cheeks 438 00:25:38,761 --> 00:25:42,116 and his bulging out eyes and everything, he's like trumpet man. 439 00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:44,873 - Sasquatch... - Satchmo. Louis Armstrong. 440 00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:48,190 - Oh, yeah. Hi. - Hi. 441 00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:51,473 - Do you hate all jazz? - Yeah, that's just my opinion. 442 00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:54,074 It's not based on anything else other than the music 443 00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:57,789 because I hate anybody doing it, you know, like black or white. 444 00:25:57,880 --> 00:26:01,189 Sorry, we were just having a conversation about music. 445 00:26:01,279 --> 00:26:03,190 Obviously, she doesn't hate jazz. 446 00:26:03,279 --> 00:26:06,191 Yes, I do, but I like lots of other things, white or black. 447 00:26:06,279 --> 00:26:10,318 - I like you, for example. I think you're great. - Thank you. 448 00:26:10,399 --> 00:26:15,029 I don't normally watch films more than once, but I thought The Matrix, I loved it. 449 00:26:15,119 --> 00:26:17,872 - It was amazing. - Yes, it's a good film. 450 00:26:17,959 --> 00:26:21,348 - Good film, that's all she's saying. - And you were brilliant in it. 451 00:26:22,558 --> 00:26:24,594 I wasn't in that one. 452 00:26:24,678 --> 00:26:26,396 - Wasn't in it. - Yeah, you were. 453 00:26:26,478 --> 00:26:28,150 - He should know. - You were in The Matrix. 454 00:26:28,238 --> 00:26:29,637 - He was the main one. - No. 455 00:26:29,718 --> 00:26:32,994 No, I can assure you I was not in The Matrix but Laurence Fishburne was. 456 00:26:33,078 --> 00:26:35,638 - That's why you're confused. - I know what you're thinking. 457 00:26:35,718 --> 00:26:37,948 She doesn't think you all look alike. 458 00:26:38,837 --> 00:26:41,590 If that's... what you were thinking. 459 00:26:41,677 --> 00:26:45,716 No, I'm just saying she doesn't... She's not racist. 460 00:26:45,797 --> 00:26:47,913 - No, sir. - No way, she's not a racist. 461 00:26:47,997 --> 00:26:51,785 In fact, she's been trying to get a black guy to shag her for a few weeks so... 462 00:26:51,877 --> 00:26:53,230 That one. 463 00:26:53,317 --> 00:26:57,071 Specifically. But, I mean, it's open to all. Not all, I mean, you... definitely. 464 00:26:57,157 --> 00:26:59,033 I know you're married 465 00:26:59,116 --> 00:27:02,506 but, if you wanted to, you could be up her like a rat up a drainpipe. 466 00:27:07,716 --> 00:27:09,468 Yeah. Okay. 467 00:27:14,596 --> 00:27:16,109 Pulp Fiction. 468 00:27:19,515 --> 00:27:22,552 - Are we ready for the next shot? - Yeah, are we ready yet? 469 00:27:23,395 --> 00:27:26,865 Why are they keeping him waiting...? 470 00:27:29,915 --> 00:27:31,906 - Can I see you about... - Yeah, we're off. We're off. 471 00:27:31,995 --> 00:27:35,226 Yeah, but we can't because you've got the line with Samuel L. Jackson. 472 00:27:35,315 --> 00:27:38,192 I haven't, that's the point. I haven't got a line with Samuel L. Jackson 473 00:27:38,274 --> 00:27:40,504 because the line "Right up a drainpipe". 474 00:27:41,754 --> 00:27:43,824 Okay, well, cheers, everyone. Thanks. 475 00:27:44,634 --> 00:27:46,147 That's my hat there. 476 00:27:46,234 --> 00:27:49,192 Yeah, that's it. Another good day being friends with you.