1
00:00:08,676 --> 00:00:10,575
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
2
00:00:50,249 --> 00:00:53,383
(ALL WHOOPING AND CHEERING)
3
00:01:10,367 --> 00:01:13,868
ALICE: There is
a right way to be single.
4
00:01:13,870 --> 00:01:16,103
Hey. How are you?
5
00:01:16,105 --> 00:01:18,038
(CHUCKLES) Hi.
6
00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:19,639
Oh, when's your wedding?
7
00:01:19,641 --> 00:01:22,408
Eighteen months after
I meet the right guy.
8
00:01:22,943 --> 00:01:24,342
Okay.
9
00:01:24,344 --> 00:01:26,264
ALICE: And a wrong way
to be single.
10
00:01:27,213 --> 00:01:29,279
And then there's this guy.
11
00:01:33,584 --> 00:01:35,650
(PHONE RINGING)
12
00:01:36,619 --> 00:01:38,051
Good morning.
13
00:01:38,053 --> 00:01:41,187
Hi. You want a hand with that?
14
00:01:48,195 --> 00:01:50,495
ALICE: We're embarrassed
to admit we're single,
15
00:01:50,497 --> 00:01:53,064
and try to pretend
that we're not.
16
00:01:53,066 --> 00:01:54,465
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) (SNORING)
17
00:01:54,467 --> 00:01:56,633
NURSE: We need you
in Exam Room 3.
18
00:01:57,882 --> 00:02:00,002
ALICE: We're supposed
to act all cheerful
19
00:02:00,004 --> 00:02:01,703
and happy about it.
20
00:02:03,073 --> 00:02:04,806
What?
21
00:02:04,808 --> 00:02:07,742
But why should we
be embarrassed?
22
00:02:07,744 --> 00:02:10,411
We're living longer,
marrying later,
23
00:02:10,413 --> 00:02:12,413
and refusing
to leave the party
24
00:02:12,415 --> 00:02:14,515
before we're really,
really done.
25
00:02:14,517 --> 00:02:17,984
So, why do we always tell our
stories through relationships?
26
00:02:17,986 --> 00:02:19,218
Where's home?
27
00:02:19,220 --> 00:02:21,786
Oh, I'm not going home.
28
00:02:22,622 --> 00:02:24,355
No way.
29
00:02:32,097 --> 00:02:33,162
(CLATTERS)
30
00:02:33,164 --> 00:02:35,030
Shit.
31
00:02:35,032 --> 00:02:37,465
(GASPS) Oh, my God.
(SING-SONG VOICE) Oh, my God.
32
00:02:37,467 --> 00:02:39,366
Here, here.
Oh, my God, oh, my God...
33
00:02:39,368 --> 00:02:42,102
I gotcha. Here you go.
34
00:02:42,104 --> 00:02:44,270
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
35
00:02:44,272 --> 00:02:46,372
I did not think this through.
36
00:02:46,974 --> 00:02:49,040
(LAUGHING)
37
00:02:49,042 --> 00:02:51,575
(GIGGLES AND SNORTS)
38
00:02:51,577 --> 00:02:52,642
I'm Josh.
39
00:02:53,578 --> 00:02:55,244
I'm Alice.
40
00:02:58,649 --> 00:03:01,316
ALICE: But this story
isn't about relationships.
41
00:03:01,318 --> 00:03:03,785
It's about all those
times in between
42
00:03:03,787 --> 00:03:08,289
when maybe, just maybe,
our real life is happening.
43
00:03:08,291 --> 00:03:10,224
This isn't a break-up. Okay?
44
00:03:10,226 --> 00:03:12,859
We're just taking
some time apart.
45
00:03:12,861 --> 00:03:15,728
It's temporary. Like, it's...
You know, it's like a break.
46
00:03:15,730 --> 00:03:16,862
Bullshit!
47
00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:20,265
(SIGHS) Josh, I've never
been on my own.
48
00:03:20,267 --> 00:03:21,966
I went from living
with my parents,
49
00:03:21,968 --> 00:03:25,002
to living in a dorm,
to living with you.
50
00:03:25,004 --> 00:03:26,603
But we're happy, Alice.
51
00:03:26,864 --> 00:03:28,504
Are we? Yeah.
52
00:03:28,506 --> 00:03:30,472
Or are we just boring?
53
00:03:30,474 --> 00:03:33,341
I'm not boring.
I'm fucking fun.
54
00:03:33,343 --> 00:03:35,142
I say I'm gonna
do things all the time,
55
00:03:35,144 --> 00:03:36,776
and I never, ever do them.
56
00:03:36,778 --> 00:03:39,211
Like, I'm gonna learn to cook,
or take a self-defense class
57
00:03:39,213 --> 00:03:41,146
or I'm gonna hike
the Grand Canyon,
58
00:03:41,148 --> 00:03:42,280
and I never, ever do it.
59
00:03:42,282 --> 00:03:43,581
That's not my fault.
60
00:03:43,583 --> 00:03:45,516
You said the boots
made your feet hurt.
61
00:03:45,518 --> 00:03:48,385
Look, if we really want
this to work long term,
62
00:03:48,387 --> 00:03:50,153
I need to know who I am alone
63
00:03:50,155 --> 00:03:52,355
and I don't want to spend my
life wondering "What if?"
64
00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:53,456
This is stupid.
65
00:03:53,458 --> 00:03:54,890
The minute you walk out of here
66
00:03:54,892 --> 00:03:56,791
you're gonna realize
how much shit I do for you
67
00:03:56,793 --> 00:03:58,125
and how great I am
68
00:03:58,127 --> 00:03:59,359
and how much you need me,
69
00:03:59,361 --> 00:04:00,593
and you're gonna
start stalking me.
70
00:04:00,595 --> 00:04:02,595
(CHUCKLES SLOWLY)
And that's sad.
71
00:04:02,997 --> 00:04:04,563
(EXHALES)
72
00:04:04,565 --> 00:04:06,164
This is gonna be
great for both of us.
73
00:04:06,166 --> 00:04:08,065
Yeah.
74
00:04:08,067 --> 00:04:11,635
We need to know what it's like
to be single, at least once.
75
00:04:16,940 --> 00:04:19,141
Can't you just fuck
one of my friends?
76
00:04:19,143 --> 00:04:20,442
(CHUCKLES)
77
00:04:20,444 --> 00:04:23,278
Just do something
to make me hate you.
78
00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:26,313
This is gonna be
the right thing.
79
00:04:26,748 --> 00:04:27,813
Oh, God.
80
00:04:30,384 --> 00:04:31,783
I'm gonna miss your boobs.
81
00:04:31,785 --> 00:04:33,151
(CHUCKLES)
82
00:04:33,153 --> 00:04:36,287
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
83
00:05:01,579 --> 00:05:04,846
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
84
00:05:04,848 --> 00:05:06,480
Does this make it work?
85
00:05:07,282 --> 00:05:08,614
(BEEPS)
86
00:05:08,616 --> 00:05:11,183
Yes! Yes.
87
00:05:11,185 --> 00:05:14,052
There, good. Good.
88
00:05:14,054 --> 00:05:15,820
No. No, no.
89
00:05:15,822 --> 00:05:19,523
(GASPS) Yes. Yes. Okay.
90
00:05:19,525 --> 00:05:22,892
Yes. Yes, yes, good. Oh!
91
00:05:23,828 --> 00:05:25,394
MAN: Whoa! Whoa!
92
00:05:26,096 --> 00:05:27,428
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
93
00:05:27,430 --> 00:05:29,897
(POP MUSIC CONTINUES)
94
00:05:45,381 --> 00:05:48,615
(SCREAMS)
Whoa! Whoa! Oh! Oh! Oh!
95
00:05:48,617 --> 00:05:49,649
What the hell
are you doing here?
96
00:05:49,651 --> 00:05:50,916
I'm cooking you breakfast!
97
00:05:50,918 --> 00:05:52,918
No, okay. I don't do breakfast.
98
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,185
Right? You need to get out!
99
00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:55,920
You're in my apartment!
100
00:05:55,922 --> 00:05:57,321
Put the...
101
00:05:57,323 --> 00:06:01,124
This is not my apartment.
102
00:06:01,126 --> 00:06:03,593
Fuck. Sorry.
103
00:06:03,595 --> 00:06:05,361
I might be a little drunk.
104
00:06:05,363 --> 00:06:06,829
Oh.
105
00:06:06,831 --> 00:06:09,151
I might actually wipe
my fingerprints off that.
106
00:06:10,667 --> 00:06:12,533
You were great last night.
107
00:06:12,535 --> 00:06:14,634
Was I?
(WHISPERS) I can't remember.
108
00:06:16,638 --> 00:06:18,838
MEG: Okay, let's go to
your happy place.
109
00:06:18,840 --> 00:06:19,772
What if I poop?
110
00:06:19,774 --> 00:06:21,306
I won't even notice. Oh, God.
111
00:06:21,308 --> 00:06:22,907
It's totally natural.
112
00:06:22,909 --> 00:06:25,509
Women have been doing this
for thousands of years, okay?
113
00:06:25,511 --> 00:06:26,877
How many babies have you had?
114
00:06:26,879 --> 00:06:28,011
(WOMAN PANTING)
115
00:06:28,013 --> 00:06:30,546
Well, I've delivered
about 3,000 of them.
116
00:06:30,548 --> 00:06:31,813
Didn't you want one?
117
00:06:33,016 --> 00:06:34,148
You know what?
118
00:06:34,150 --> 00:06:35,549
I just felt like society
119
00:06:35,551 --> 00:06:37,484
doesn't let you
pursue your dreams
120
00:06:37,486 --> 00:06:39,385
once you have children.
121
00:06:39,387 --> 00:06:40,587
And I didn't feel like
122
00:06:40,588 --> 00:06:42,421
I wanted to give up my identity
123
00:06:42,423 --> 00:06:48,359
to be a slave to some
tiny little love-terrorist.
124
00:06:48,361 --> 00:06:49,626
Plus, your body falls to shit,
125
00:06:49,628 --> 00:06:51,227
and you have
no time to exercise
126
00:06:51,229 --> 00:06:54,063
and forget about sleep for
the rest of your life, right?
127
00:06:54,065 --> 00:06:56,932
Oh, no, honey! No, no, no,
no, no, no. You can do it!
128
00:06:56,934 --> 00:06:58,300
No, I can't.
My body went to shit.
129
00:06:58,302 --> 00:06:59,668
My body went to shit. It did.
130
00:06:59,670 --> 00:07:02,337
(CRYING) And my vagina's
so loose, already!
131
00:07:02,339 --> 00:07:04,339
Let's push! Okay.
132
00:07:04,341 --> 00:07:05,473
MEG: Yay!
133
00:07:05,475 --> 00:07:07,308
(SCREAMING)
134
00:07:07,310 --> 00:07:09,810
Is that poop or a baby?
135
00:07:09,812 --> 00:07:12,245
It's not a baby.
136
00:07:12,247 --> 00:07:13,512
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
137
00:07:13,514 --> 00:07:14,980
(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
138
00:07:14,982 --> 00:07:17,682
Robin? This is Alice,
our new paralegal.
139
00:07:17,684 --> 00:07:19,183
Will you give her
the tour, please?
140
00:07:19,185 --> 00:07:21,218
Yes, of course.
141
00:07:21,220 --> 00:07:22,519
Thank you. (SIGHS)
142
00:07:22,521 --> 00:07:23,720
Hi, I'm Alice.
143
00:07:23,722 --> 00:07:25,221
Hi. It's so nice to meet you.
144
00:07:25,223 --> 00:07:28,257
Yeah. Oh, sorry, my hands
are a little bit creamy.
145
00:07:28,259 --> 00:07:29,458
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
146
00:07:29,460 --> 00:07:32,661
Okay. All right.
(CLEARS THROAT)
147
00:07:32,663 --> 00:07:35,463
Welcome to the law firm
of some guy,
148
00:07:35,465 --> 00:07:37,565
some other guy,
and some Jewish guy.
149
00:07:37,567 --> 00:07:39,533
Just kidding.
They're all Jewish.
150
00:07:39,535 --> 00:07:40,967
I'm really excited to be here.
151
00:07:40,969 --> 00:07:42,902
This was actually
one of my top choices.
152
00:07:42,904 --> 00:07:44,236
That closet there,
is really good
153
00:07:44,238 --> 00:07:45,804
for making personal calls.
154
00:07:45,806 --> 00:07:49,007
But whatever you do, do not
hook up in this copy room.
155
00:07:49,009 --> 00:07:51,009
One, it's just,
like, so cliche.
156
00:07:51,011 --> 00:07:53,578
And two, there's
a security camera.
157
00:07:54,479 --> 00:07:56,680
Oh, I'm not really hooking up
with anybody right now
158
00:07:56,682 --> 00:07:58,114
because recently, I actually...
159
00:07:58,116 --> 00:07:59,582
Uh, yeah, I know
what you're thinking.
160
00:07:59,584 --> 00:08:01,216
They do record the footage.
161
00:08:01,218 --> 00:08:04,485
So, unless a leaked sex tape
is part of your two-year plan,
162
00:08:04,487 --> 00:08:06,587
(SWALLOWS) I'd recommend
hooking up in the...
163
00:08:06,589 --> 00:08:08,589
(INAUDIBLE)
164
00:08:10,291 --> 00:08:12,492
You'll never know our secrets.
165
00:08:12,494 --> 00:08:14,293
You'll never know!
166
00:08:14,295 --> 00:08:15,360
Whoo!
167
00:08:15,362 --> 00:08:17,195
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
168
00:08:18,364 --> 00:08:19,730
(SNORTS DERISIVELY)
169
00:08:22,034 --> 00:08:24,601
Excuse me.
That's none of your business.
170
00:08:24,603 --> 00:08:26,402
You're kind of making it
my business, here.
171
00:08:26,404 --> 00:08:29,605
Look, I just moved in
upstairs and my Wi-Fi sucks.
172
00:08:29,607 --> 00:08:31,473
So, if I have to listen
to every drunk asshole
173
00:08:31,475 --> 00:08:32,841
stumble out of here
at 5:00 a.m.,
174
00:08:32,843 --> 00:08:34,809
I'm at least gonna use
your free Internet.
175
00:08:34,811 --> 00:08:37,478
Wow. Okay, hi. Um...
(CLEARS THROAT)
176
00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:39,213
I'm Tom. And... Hi.
177
00:08:39,215 --> 00:08:40,614
If you're gonna be
using my free Wi-Fi,
178
00:08:40,616 --> 00:08:41,848
at least you can do me a favor
179
00:08:41,850 --> 00:08:43,182
and not write shit like,
180
00:08:43,184 --> 00:08:45,150
"I want to wake up
with my best friend."
181
00:08:45,152 --> 00:08:46,818
Unless you want
my dick to fall off.
182
00:08:46,820 --> 00:08:48,519
And then maybe we could
become best friends,
183
00:08:48,521 --> 00:08:50,354
and that'd be awesome.
184
00:08:50,356 --> 00:08:53,223
Look, I spent half of last
year creating an algorithm
185
00:08:53,225 --> 00:08:55,225
that trolls dating apps
for the best candidates
186
00:08:55,227 --> 00:08:57,193
and downloads them
into an Excel spreadsheet.
187
00:08:57,195 --> 00:08:59,995
So, I know
what I'm looking for.
188
00:08:59,997 --> 00:09:01,830
Yeah, that's not weird at all.
189
00:09:01,832 --> 00:09:03,598
What are you
really doing online?
190
00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:05,333
I mean, you're a pretty girl.
191
00:09:05,335 --> 00:09:06,801
This is New York City.
192
00:09:06,803 --> 00:09:08,102
There's like a billion
people outside that door.
193
00:09:08,104 --> 00:09:10,204
Yeah, but how many
eligible people?
194
00:09:10,206 --> 00:09:14,440
Here. Okay, there are eight
million people in this city.
195
00:09:14,442 --> 00:09:15,641
Sounds like a lot, right?
196
00:09:15,643 --> 00:09:16,675
It does.
197
00:09:16,677 --> 00:09:18,076
But, half of them are women.
198
00:09:18,078 --> 00:09:20,411
And as hard as
I tried in college,
199
00:09:20,413 --> 00:09:21,879
I don't swing that way.
200
00:09:21,881 --> 00:09:23,547
How hard did you try?
Let it go.
201
00:09:23,549 --> 00:09:24,681
Okay.
202
00:09:24,683 --> 00:09:26,049
So, four million men.
203
00:09:26,051 --> 00:09:27,617
And then you got to
have some age limits.
204
00:09:27,619 --> 00:09:29,352
Let's say over 20.
Gotta keep it legal.
205
00:09:29,354 --> 00:09:31,120
Under 40. Keep it sexy.
206
00:09:31,122 --> 00:09:32,287
Now, it's a million.
207
00:09:32,289 --> 00:09:35,690
Right. We're talking
about a million guys.
208
00:09:35,692 --> 00:09:38,626
But half of them are married.
209
00:09:38,628 --> 00:09:40,694
10 percent are gay.
210
00:09:40,696 --> 00:09:42,495
I want someone
college educated.
211
00:09:42,497 --> 00:09:44,597
Not too ugly.
212
00:09:44,599 --> 00:09:45,764
So...
213
00:09:45,766 --> 00:09:47,031
There's your boyfriend.
214
00:09:47,033 --> 00:09:48,766
I wish.
215
00:09:48,768 --> 00:09:51,435
He's got to be
taller than me...
216
00:09:51,437 --> 00:09:53,437
(CHUCKLES)
217
00:09:53,439 --> 00:09:55,705
And he's got to want kids.
218
00:09:55,707 --> 00:09:57,506
So, yeah, I'm on 10 different
219
00:09:57,508 --> 00:09:59,307
dating websites to
increase my odds.
220
00:09:59,309 --> 00:10:00,808
So, what do you say?
221
00:10:00,810 --> 00:10:02,476
You let me treat this bar
like it's my living room
222
00:10:02,478 --> 00:10:05,318
and I won't call the cops every
night with a noise complaint.
223
00:10:06,181 --> 00:10:09,048
Okay. Very cute.
These are the women?
224
00:10:09,050 --> 00:10:10,082
Hmm.
225
00:10:10,084 --> 00:10:11,149
Thanks.
226
00:10:12,118 --> 00:10:14,118
Mmm. Mmm.
227
00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:15,552
See you around.
228
00:10:15,554 --> 00:10:16,853
Stupid.
229
00:10:16,855 --> 00:10:18,054
Um, have a nice night.
230
00:10:18,056 --> 00:10:20,456
Wait. What?
Where are you going?
231
00:10:20,458 --> 00:10:21,657
I'm going home.
232
00:10:21,659 --> 00:10:22,991
What?
233
00:10:22,993 --> 00:10:24,859
I never want to
hear you say that again.
234
00:10:24,861 --> 00:10:25,926
Ugh!
235
00:10:25,928 --> 00:10:29,596
You're single now, okay?
You do not go home!
236
00:10:29,598 --> 00:10:30,863
You shouldn't even have a home.
237
00:10:30,865 --> 00:10:32,397
You should just
have 500 square feet
238
00:10:32,399 --> 00:10:34,465
where you keep some clothes
and occasionally bathe.
239
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:37,534
Well, okay, technically,
I'm not, like, single.
240
00:10:37,536 --> 00:10:39,202
We're just on a break.
241
00:10:39,204 --> 00:10:41,871
Uh, there's no such thing as
a "break," Season-3 Ross.
242
00:10:41,873 --> 00:10:43,339
No, we really are on a break.
243
00:10:43,341 --> 00:10:44,973
We're just taking
a little bit of time apart
244
00:10:44,975 --> 00:10:47,275
to make sure we really
want to be together.
245
00:10:47,277 --> 00:10:49,844
Oh, so you're on some
kind of sexual rumspringa?
246
00:10:49,846 --> 00:10:51,946
No.
Why didn't you say anything?
247
00:10:51,948 --> 00:10:53,714
I could've made you
take a half-day!
248
00:10:53,716 --> 00:10:54,781
It was my first day at work.
249
00:10:54,783 --> 00:10:56,082
Rumspringa!
250
00:10:56,084 --> 00:10:58,284
What? No! Where
are we going? (LAUGHS)
251
00:10:58,286 --> 00:11:00,653
Ask me for a rum and Coke
if you think you're gonna die.
252
00:11:00,655 --> 00:11:02,388
Get out of here!
253
00:11:02,390 --> 00:11:03,822
Uh,
254
00:11:03,824 --> 00:11:06,758
you said on your profile
you're a big dreamer.
255
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:08,159
You know, please. (CHUCKLES)
256
00:11:08,161 --> 00:11:11,428
No, no, I think I want
what everybody wants.
257
00:11:11,430 --> 00:11:13,630
Cross off some things
on the bucket list.
258
00:11:13,632 --> 00:11:16,466
So, what is on
your bucket list?
259
00:11:16,468 --> 00:11:17,500
Usual stuff.
260
00:11:17,502 --> 00:11:18,868
Uh, Wrigley Fields. Mmm.
261
00:11:18,870 --> 00:11:20,436
Dolphin Trainer. Oh, boy.
262
00:11:20,438 --> 00:11:22,704
Oh, my God. I love dolphins.
263
00:11:22,706 --> 00:11:24,005
Loved, since forever.
264
00:11:24,007 --> 00:11:25,306
Wow, no, no, you know,
because the normal ones
265
00:11:25,308 --> 00:11:27,374
are already checked off,
you know?
266
00:11:27,376 --> 00:11:29,542
Mmm-hmm. Hot Carl.
267
00:11:29,544 --> 00:11:30,743
Dirty Sanchez. Yeah, that's...
268
00:11:30,745 --> 00:11:32,311
Golden Shower. That one, Oh.
269
00:11:32,313 --> 00:11:34,513
I actually checked off
by accident.
270
00:11:34,515 --> 00:11:35,780
Thank you, prom. (CHUCKLES)
271
00:11:35,782 --> 00:11:39,483
So, these aren't career
goals or life goals.
272
00:11:39,485 --> 00:11:42,018
These are more sexual things.
273
00:11:42,020 --> 00:11:43,753
Have you ever heard
of the Whack-a-Mole?
274
00:11:43,755 --> 00:11:44,887
Rum and Coke.
275
00:11:44,889 --> 00:11:46,622
Rum and Coke? Really?
276
00:11:46,624 --> 00:11:47,990
I didn't think you'd want to do
277
00:11:47,992 --> 00:11:49,524
a Rum and Coke with
me on our first date.
278
00:11:49,526 --> 00:11:51,259
Um, rum and Coke?
I got to find a live hamster.
279
00:11:51,261 --> 00:11:52,693
So, I guess I could
trap a street rat.
280
00:11:52,695 --> 00:11:54,027
I mean, we are in New York.
281
00:11:54,029 --> 00:11:55,795
Rum and Coke!
I got to go shave my legs.
282
00:11:55,797 --> 00:11:57,163
Drink more water.
283
00:11:57,165 --> 00:11:58,397
Oh. Okay.
284
00:11:58,399 --> 00:11:59,464
Yo.
285
00:12:00,459 --> 00:12:01,699
Go lock yourself in my office.
286
00:12:01,701 --> 00:12:02,933
Thank you.
287
00:12:02,935 --> 00:12:04,367
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
288
00:12:04,369 --> 00:12:06,335
Here we go.
289
00:12:06,337 --> 00:12:09,771
Let me teach you
how to be single.
290
00:12:09,773 --> 00:12:13,140
Okay, lesson one.
Go get us some drinks.
291
00:12:13,142 --> 00:12:14,774
Okay.
292
00:12:14,776 --> 00:12:16,442
No. That was a trick.
293
00:12:16,444 --> 00:12:19,244
You don't buy the drinks.
Boys buy the drinks.
294
00:12:19,246 --> 00:12:22,614
It's kind of like a sexual
currency that they use,
295
00:12:22,616 --> 00:12:25,583
so they're not actually
paying you to hook up.
296
00:12:25,585 --> 00:12:27,251
So, go get us a drink.
297
00:12:27,253 --> 00:12:28,118
Okay.
298
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:29,619
Not... Not with this wallet.
299
00:12:29,621 --> 00:12:31,253
Okay. With the sausage wallet.
300
00:12:31,255 --> 00:12:32,587
Which of you is
buying oil right now?
301
00:12:32,589 --> 00:12:33,788
Do you know how much...
302
00:12:33,790 --> 00:12:35,689
Hey, what's up, y'all?
(CHUCKLES)
303
00:12:35,691 --> 00:12:37,357
I don't know why
I just said "y'all."
304
00:12:37,359 --> 00:12:40,326
"You all" would have
taken just as much time.
305
00:12:40,328 --> 00:12:41,827
And I'm not even
from the South,
306
00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:43,762
I'm from Portland.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
307
00:12:43,764 --> 00:12:47,065
Which is southern from Canada.
308
00:12:47,067 --> 00:12:48,332
Are y'all Canadian?
309
00:12:48,334 --> 00:12:50,734
I just did it again,
I said it again.
310
00:12:50,736 --> 00:12:52,368
My system should have
weeded him out.
311
00:12:52,370 --> 00:12:54,403
You probably read
your data wrong.
312
00:12:54,405 --> 00:12:56,705
I bet that guy told you
exactly who he was.
313
00:12:56,707 --> 00:12:58,006
You just didn't
want to hear it.
314
00:12:58,008 --> 00:12:59,707
I tell the truth
to girls all the time.
315
00:12:59,709 --> 00:13:01,308
They hear what
they want to hear.
316
00:13:01,310 --> 00:13:02,976
That sounds like
a load of crap.
317
00:13:02,978 --> 00:13:04,444
(WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
318
00:13:04,446 --> 00:13:07,079
I'm not kidding. Watch this.
319
00:13:07,081 --> 00:13:08,447
Hey, sweetheart. Hey.
320
00:13:08,449 --> 00:13:10,081
Hi.
321
00:13:10,083 --> 00:13:12,550
Hey, uh, you know we're only
sleeping together for fun, right?
322
00:13:12,552 --> 00:13:14,985
Because I'm not interested
in long-term relationships,
323
00:13:14,987 --> 00:13:16,853
so I think I'm gonna
start seeing other people
324
00:13:16,855 --> 00:13:18,487
and I think you
should move on, too.
325
00:13:18,489 --> 00:13:21,089
Because I care about you,
326
00:13:21,091 --> 00:13:23,091
and I don't want
to see you get hurt.
327
00:13:23,093 --> 00:13:26,126
Oh, I care about you, too.
328
00:13:26,595 --> 00:13:28,161
Yeah. Hmm.
329
00:13:31,666 --> 00:13:32,965
Wow.
330
00:13:32,967 --> 00:13:36,033
You guys are super
dressed-up. Funeral?
331
00:13:36,702 --> 00:13:38,001
Oh, my God. Okay, bye.
332
00:13:38,003 --> 00:13:39,435
That was a really bad idea.
333
00:13:39,437 --> 00:13:41,670
This is stupid. I should
probably just go home.
334
00:13:41,672 --> 00:13:42,771
It's better.
No, are you kidding?
335
00:13:42,773 --> 00:13:44,239
You have a small window
336
00:13:44,241 --> 00:13:46,307
in which to bang your way
through New York City.
337
00:13:46,309 --> 00:13:49,443
No, Josh and I didn't break up
so I could see other people.
338
00:13:49,445 --> 00:13:51,745
I'm trying to
figure out who I am.
339
00:13:51,747 --> 00:13:53,747
Then why don't you take this,
340
00:13:53,749 --> 00:13:56,516
go home and
stare at your beave?
341
00:13:56,518 --> 00:13:58,885
Look, I'm just gonna
choose for you. All right?
342
00:13:58,887 --> 00:14:00,887
Um... (GASPS) I know.
343
00:14:00,889 --> 00:14:02,688
I would like to see your tongue
344
00:14:02,690 --> 00:14:03,822
in that bartender's face.
345
00:14:03,824 --> 00:14:05,123
ALICE: What?
346
00:14:05,125 --> 00:14:06,657
ROBIN: Don't worry,
I know him.
347
00:14:06,659 --> 00:14:08,225
He's like a palate cleanser.
He's sexual sorbet.
348
00:14:08,227 --> 00:14:09,359
That guy?
349
00:14:09,361 --> 00:14:11,094
Yeah. I've heard
he's really good in bed.
350
00:14:11,096 --> 00:14:13,763
From myself, because
I might have slept with him.
351
00:14:13,765 --> 00:14:14,997
I can't really remember.
352
00:14:14,999 --> 00:14:16,498
Maybe, uh... It was winter.
353
00:14:16,500 --> 00:14:19,234
Maybe I just used his dick
as a scarf. Let's go.
354
00:14:19,236 --> 00:14:20,301
What?
355
00:14:20,303 --> 00:14:21,669
Hey, Tom.
356
00:14:21,671 --> 00:14:23,303
This is Alice.
357
00:14:23,305 --> 00:14:25,071
She's newly single and needs to
hook up with a random stranger.
358
00:14:25,073 --> 00:14:26,305
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
359
00:14:26,307 --> 00:14:27,639
Let me buy you a drink.
Here you go.
360
00:14:27,641 --> 00:14:29,361
Thanks. Uh, thanks.
361
00:14:30,043 --> 00:14:31,776
Let me buy you a drink.
362
00:14:31,778 --> 00:14:32,910
(LAUGHS)
363
00:14:32,912 --> 00:14:34,311
Welcome to the party.
364
00:14:35,247 --> 00:14:36,312
Umm, cheers.
365
00:14:38,816 --> 00:14:41,349
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Whoo!
366
00:14:41,351 --> 00:14:43,184
Come on! Yeah! Ha!
367
00:14:53,762 --> 00:14:55,161
Hi! Yeah!
368
00:14:58,732 --> 00:15:00,012
Hey. Hi.
369
00:15:15,381 --> 00:15:17,914
Whoa! Whoa!
370
00:15:17,916 --> 00:15:19,982
She just hit you in the face!
371
00:15:20,918 --> 00:15:23,119
Oh! Rumspringa!
372
00:15:34,330 --> 00:15:35,195
(GROANS)
373
00:15:35,197 --> 00:15:36,596
MEG: Morning, sunshine.
374
00:15:36,598 --> 00:15:37,662
No.
375
00:15:40,233 --> 00:15:43,667
No, Meg! Ow! (GROANS)
376
00:15:43,669 --> 00:15:45,168
Oh, my God.
377
00:15:45,170 --> 00:15:47,436
Wakey-wakey.
378
00:15:47,438 --> 00:15:48,503
(BOTH LAUGHING)
379
00:15:49,825 --> 00:15:51,505
A doctor? (MEG SCREAMS)
380
00:15:51,507 --> 00:15:54,407
Did I have sex with
a doctor? Did we have sex?
381
00:15:54,654 --> 00:15:56,174
No. No?
382
00:15:56,176 --> 00:15:58,109
No, we didn't have sex.
383
00:15:58,111 --> 00:15:59,176
I didn't sleep with anybody?
384
00:15:59,178 --> 00:16:01,111
No, I don't think so.
385
00:16:01,113 --> 00:16:02,579
Why does it smell
like weed in here?
386
00:16:02,581 --> 00:16:03,513
You have a little...
387
00:16:03,515 --> 00:16:06,549
What? It's in your hair now.
388
00:16:06,551 --> 00:16:09,218
It's just right...
389
00:16:09,220 --> 00:16:10,419
What? It...
390
00:16:10,421 --> 00:16:12,788
No, I just have long eyelashes.
391
00:16:12,790 --> 00:16:15,624
It's a...
You have a joint clinging...
392
00:16:15,626 --> 00:16:17,225
Oh.
393
00:16:17,227 --> 00:16:19,226
Yay! Free coffee!
394
00:16:21,678 --> 00:16:24,998
Uh, take two Tylenol, and
make yourself some breakfast.
395
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:26,332
ALICE: I love you.
396
00:16:26,334 --> 00:16:29,134
Love, love you.
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
397
00:16:29,136 --> 00:16:32,470
(CHUCKLES) Your roommate
seems pretty cool.
398
00:16:33,606 --> 00:16:36,139
Oh, she's my sister.
399
00:16:36,141 --> 00:16:38,007
Really? Mmm-hmm.
400
00:16:38,009 --> 00:16:40,889
Uh, then I think I might have
pissed in your sister's litter box.
401
00:16:42,312 --> 00:16:43,411
That's a Zen garden.
402
00:16:43,413 --> 00:16:45,212
The cat has a Zen garden?
403
00:16:45,214 --> 00:16:46,574
ALICE: There's no cat.
(MAN GROANS)
404
00:16:47,148 --> 00:16:48,380
Where am I?
405
00:16:48,382 --> 00:16:50,415
I knew I had sex
in this apartment!
406
00:16:50,417 --> 00:16:52,884
Oh, yeah. What's up?
407
00:16:52,886 --> 00:16:55,219
Okay, where are we?
(SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE)
408
00:16:55,221 --> 00:16:58,288
Um, Broadway and 77th. Um...
409
00:16:58,290 --> 00:17:00,023
We have to be
at work in 30 minutes,
410
00:17:00,025 --> 00:17:01,224
so we should
probably go this way.
411
00:17:01,226 --> 00:17:03,159
It's okay, I can do this in 20.
412
00:17:03,161 --> 00:17:04,393
Wait, do what? Let's go.
413
00:17:04,395 --> 00:17:06,315
Wait, do what? Time me!
414
00:17:08,764 --> 00:17:10,096
Step one.
415
00:17:10,098 --> 00:17:12,031
That stuff is for babies.
416
00:17:12,033 --> 00:17:14,133
Babies with hangovers.
417
00:17:14,135 --> 00:17:15,833
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
418
00:17:17,770 --> 00:17:19,302
(SNORTS)
419
00:17:20,004 --> 00:17:22,436
Baba, are we good?
420
00:17:23,806 --> 00:17:25,672
Payment accepted. Let's go.
421
00:17:25,674 --> 00:17:27,740
(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)
422
00:17:32,713 --> 00:17:33,778
(GRUNTS)
423
00:17:44,656 --> 00:17:45,788
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
424
00:17:49,793 --> 00:17:51,025
Hi!
425
00:17:51,027 --> 00:17:52,493
Yeah, hi. I'm really interested
426
00:17:52,495 --> 00:17:54,261
in buying a lot of
your products, but first,
427
00:17:54,263 --> 00:17:57,063
I need you to put
all of them on my face,
428
00:17:57,065 --> 00:17:59,832
in a very nice way, for free.
429
00:17:59,834 --> 00:18:02,601
I'm gonna need a full face,
with a side of "Wow."
430
00:18:02,603 --> 00:18:03,803
Okay.
431
00:18:06,172 --> 00:18:07,905
Mimosa, hold the orange juice.
432
00:18:09,041 --> 00:18:11,741
Here. Come on. Gimme.
433
00:18:11,743 --> 00:18:12,875
(HAIR DRYER HISSING)
434
00:18:23,219 --> 00:18:24,484
Nailed it.
435
00:18:24,486 --> 00:18:26,352
You're three-and-a-half
hours late.
436
00:18:26,354 --> 00:18:28,620
MEG: Yay! Lunchtime!
437
00:18:30,048 --> 00:18:31,889
And don't worry
about the weight.
438
00:18:31,891 --> 00:18:33,824
It should come off after
you stop nursing the infant.
439
00:18:33,826 --> 00:18:35,725
"Katie." That's her name.
440
00:18:35,727 --> 00:18:36,792
Oh, okay.
441
00:18:36,794 --> 00:18:38,426
Oh, no. I have to pee.
(KATIE CRYING)
442
00:18:38,428 --> 00:18:40,227
It just falls out
of me these days.
443
00:18:40,229 --> 00:18:41,328
Can you hold...
No, no, no, no, no.
444
00:18:41,330 --> 00:18:43,530
I'm not good with babies.
445
00:18:44,466 --> 00:18:47,633
Hello. How are you today?
446
00:18:47,635 --> 00:18:51,103
Your mom should be
coming back soon.
447
00:18:51,105 --> 00:18:53,771
Is, um, "Katie"
short for "Katherine"?
448
00:18:55,207 --> 00:18:57,207
See, some women would look at
449
00:18:57,209 --> 00:19:00,143
what you just did and
think that you smiled.
450
00:19:00,145 --> 00:19:01,611
But, because I'm a doctor,
451
00:19:01,613 --> 00:19:03,613
I know that that was probably
452
00:19:03,615 --> 00:19:06,615
just an involuntary
tic, or gas.
453
00:19:08,118 --> 00:19:09,317
You know what?
454
00:19:09,319 --> 00:19:11,252
(WHISPERS)
You're not that cute,
455
00:19:11,254 --> 00:19:13,387
and I am not falling for it.
456
00:19:13,389 --> 00:19:16,889
So, you just keep trying,
but it is "no."
457
00:19:16,891 --> 00:19:20,092
(LAUGHS)
458
00:19:20,094 --> 00:19:21,526
(GURGLES) Shut up, baby.
459
00:19:21,528 --> 00:19:23,294
And, you know what?
Don't touch that,
460
00:19:23,296 --> 00:19:25,095
because that's
not very sanitary.
461
00:19:25,097 --> 00:19:26,563
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
462
00:19:26,565 --> 00:19:29,666
Germs are little bugs,
like little microbes
463
00:19:29,668 --> 00:19:33,202
that get into your mouth,
and they make you sick.
464
00:19:33,204 --> 00:19:34,303
(COOING)
465
00:19:34,305 --> 00:19:36,204
So, you eat your shoe.
466
00:19:36,206 --> 00:19:37,905
(KISSING)
467
00:19:38,507 --> 00:19:39,706
(GASPS)
468
00:19:39,708 --> 00:19:42,942
You are not winning me over.
No, you're not.
469
00:19:42,944 --> 00:19:45,277
Why do you put
everything in your mouth?
470
00:19:45,279 --> 00:19:48,747
Hello. Hi.
471
00:19:59,959 --> 00:20:01,291
MEG: And so we're clear,
472
00:20:01,293 --> 00:20:02,925
there are a lot of people
in this world
473
00:20:02,927 --> 00:20:05,427
who need things
like you in their lives,
474
00:20:05,429 --> 00:20:07,061
to feel complete.
475
00:20:07,063 --> 00:20:11,765
I am not one of them.
I am fine without you.
476
00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:27,479
Fine. You win.
477
00:20:32,919 --> 00:20:34,585
(KEYBOARD CLACKING)
478
00:20:39,004 --> 00:20:41,524
If Tom texts you, which he won't,
because it's still daylight,
479
00:20:41,526 --> 00:20:43,292
wait four hours to respond.
480
00:20:43,294 --> 00:20:45,460
(SCOFFS) I was not even
thinking about Tom.
481
00:20:45,462 --> 00:20:46,727
Anything sooner implies that
482
00:20:46,729 --> 00:20:48,195
you're needy and
really co-dependent
483
00:20:48,197 --> 00:20:49,262
and incapable of
a simple hookup,
484
00:20:49,264 --> 00:20:50,730
which is all he's good for.
485
00:20:50,732 --> 00:20:52,598
I think that I could
actually be, like, a good...
486
00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:54,333
And, when you respond, do not
respond in full sentences.
487
00:20:54,335 --> 00:20:55,901
Okay.
488
00:20:55,903 --> 00:20:57,702
And if you use an emoji,
I will fucking tit-punch you.
489
00:20:57,704 --> 00:20:58,869
Fine.
490
00:20:58,871 --> 00:20:59,936
Fine.
491
00:21:00,438 --> 00:21:01,703
(PHONE VIBRATES)
492
00:21:11,214 --> 00:21:13,013
(GASPS) No! No! Oh, no.
493
00:21:13,015 --> 00:21:15,215
You can have this back
at the end of the day.
494
00:21:15,217 --> 00:21:16,349
Fine.
495
00:21:16,351 --> 00:21:17,616
An emoji?
496
00:21:17,618 --> 00:21:21,318
(GASPS) Oh! Oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
497
00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:22,385
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
498
00:21:22,387 --> 00:21:23,753
(BOTH PANTING)
499
00:21:23,755 --> 00:21:25,654
This is so dumb. Okay.
500
00:21:25,656 --> 00:21:27,589
It's not like I don't know
you're bad for me.
501
00:21:27,591 --> 00:21:28,823
Sure.
502
00:21:28,825 --> 00:21:30,591
And I'm not gonna be
one of those cliched girls
503
00:21:30,593 --> 00:21:31,625
who thinks I can, like,
change you, or something.
504
00:21:31,627 --> 00:21:32,792
No, you can't. No.
505
00:21:32,794 --> 00:21:34,560
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
506
00:21:41,368 --> 00:21:42,834
(SIGHS) I'm telling you.
507
00:21:42,836 --> 00:21:45,703
Sex? It's the best way
to find out what you want.
508
00:21:45,705 --> 00:21:47,805
Think about it, the whole
love thing, the whole,
509
00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:50,207
"I just want a guy
to notice when I'm cold."
510
00:21:50,209 --> 00:21:51,542
It's nice when a guy notices
511
00:21:51,544 --> 00:21:53,577
when you're cold.
It means he's...
512
00:21:53,579 --> 00:21:56,646
It means he's faking it, because he
knows that's what you want to hear.
513
00:21:56,648 --> 00:21:58,481
So, instead of being
a psycho who pretends
514
00:21:58,483 --> 00:21:59,883
that I give a shit
if you're cold,
515
00:21:59,884 --> 00:22:01,817
I tell everyone the same thing.
516
00:22:01,819 --> 00:22:04,619
"If you're looking for
the one, that's not me.
517
00:22:04,621 --> 00:22:05,987
"If you're looking for the one"
518
00:22:05,989 --> 00:22:08,622
"to have a little fun with,
I'm that one."
519
00:22:09,057 --> 00:22:10,322
Oh.
520
00:22:10,324 --> 00:22:11,723
Yep. (SIGHS)
521
00:22:11,725 --> 00:22:12,757
Whew!
522
00:22:12,759 --> 00:22:15,593
I've always been
in relationships.
523
00:22:15,595 --> 00:22:17,695
But, I guess that's just
because I actually
524
00:22:17,697 --> 00:22:19,830
don't really know
how to stay single.
525
00:22:19,832 --> 00:22:21,798
Then you came
to the right place.
526
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:25,334
The trick is to love them,
but get them to leave you.
527
00:22:25,336 --> 00:22:26,501
That way, nobody gets hurt.
528
00:22:26,503 --> 00:22:27,902
Check this out.
529
00:22:27,904 --> 00:22:30,185
What do all these things
have in common? Go.
530
00:22:30,773 --> 00:22:33,106
Um, ketchup and beer.
531
00:22:33,108 --> 00:22:35,174
Pickles, chocolate sauce.
532
00:22:35,176 --> 00:22:36,508
Are you pregnant?
533
00:22:36,510 --> 00:22:38,843
No, they can't be used
to make breakfast.
534
00:22:38,845 --> 00:22:40,511
There's no reason to
stick around in the morning,
535
00:22:40,513 --> 00:22:41,778
because you can't
make an omelet.
536
00:22:41,780 --> 00:22:44,614
Plus, no water.
So, hungover chicks,
537
00:22:44,616 --> 00:22:46,382
you got to leave to survive.
538
00:22:46,384 --> 00:22:47,816
Except for that New York
water is delicious
539
00:22:47,818 --> 00:22:49,551
and you can just
drink it from the tap.
540
00:22:49,553 --> 00:22:52,086
Yeah. But, uh...
541
00:22:52,088 --> 00:22:55,455
From what glass?
542
00:22:55,457 --> 00:22:56,656
Wow.
543
00:22:56,658 --> 00:22:57,923
You're a piece of work.
544
00:22:57,925 --> 00:22:58,990
Mmm-hmm.
545
00:23:02,395 --> 00:23:03,961
Glass.
546
00:23:03,963 --> 00:23:06,997
Okay, MacGyver, no woman's
gotten this far, but, um...
547
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:12,201
You had a plumber
cut your water?
548
00:23:12,203 --> 00:23:14,436
No. I did it myself.
549
00:23:14,438 --> 00:23:15,570
What if you need
to wash your hands?
550
00:23:15,572 --> 00:23:16,871
What am I, a surgeon?
551
00:23:16,873 --> 00:23:18,939
What if you get thirsty?
552
00:23:18,941 --> 00:23:20,173
(TOM SIGHS)
553
00:23:20,674 --> 00:23:22,875
Nice. Well done. Yeah, right?
554
00:23:22,877 --> 00:23:24,543
Totally thought it was
a nightstand, didn't you?
555
00:23:24,545 --> 00:23:25,977
You're a psycho.
556
00:23:25,979 --> 00:23:27,845
I'm not a psycho.
Look, most guys are like me,
557
00:23:27,847 --> 00:23:29,379
they're just
not honest about it.
558
00:23:29,381 --> 00:23:33,683
I'm telling you, this is
what it's like out there.
559
00:23:33,685 --> 00:23:35,184
Why are you telling me this?
560
00:23:35,186 --> 00:23:36,585
(DOOR RATTLES)
561
00:23:36,587 --> 00:23:37,852
I don't know.
562
00:23:37,854 --> 00:23:41,922
It's just, you're different.
563
00:23:45,861 --> 00:23:47,861
Oh, my God. That's the
thing you say to girls.
564
00:23:47,863 --> 00:23:49,229
Yes, it is.
Works, though, right?
565
00:23:49,231 --> 00:23:50,296
Completely.
566
00:23:50,298 --> 00:23:51,797
Anyway, end of the tour.
567
00:23:51,799 --> 00:23:54,766
And, um, this was fun.
568
00:23:58,604 --> 00:24:00,870
(CLEARS THROAT) See you.
569
00:24:16,486 --> 00:24:18,752
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
570
00:24:23,825 --> 00:24:25,758
Hi. (CLEARS THROAT)
571
00:24:27,495 --> 00:24:29,795
(CHUCKLES SLOWLY)
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
572
00:24:30,764 --> 00:24:32,130
(JOSH GRUNTS)
573
00:24:33,967 --> 00:24:35,566
Uh, mimosa?
574
00:24:35,568 --> 00:24:38,268
Uh, no, I'm actually
on my way to a meeting.
575
00:24:38,270 --> 00:24:39,902
So, I'm probably
not gonna start drinking
576
00:24:39,904 --> 00:24:41,770
at 8:30 on a Thursday.
577
00:24:41,772 --> 00:24:45,906
Yeah, no, I didn't...
I don't want one, either.
578
00:24:45,908 --> 00:24:47,741
Um, I got us
chocolate chip pancakes
579
00:24:47,743 --> 00:24:49,509
for the table, like we used to.
580
00:24:49,511 --> 00:24:52,979
(CHUCKLES) Um, cool. I don't
have a lot of time, so...
581
00:24:52,981 --> 00:24:55,981
Okay, no, then
I'll just get right to it.
582
00:24:56,817 --> 00:25:00,117
I'm done. I'm,
I'm finally done.
583
00:25:01,653 --> 00:25:03,486
What? What are you done with?
584
00:25:03,488 --> 00:25:04,720
With our time apart.
585
00:25:04,722 --> 00:25:06,021
I know it's been
really difficult.
586
00:25:06,023 --> 00:25:07,689
It's been difficult
on both of us.
587
00:25:07,691 --> 00:25:11,392
But, I'm finally ready
for us to be together.
588
00:25:11,394 --> 00:25:14,061
And I'll never have to
wonder about anything else.
589
00:25:15,130 --> 00:25:16,195
I'm seeing someone.
590
00:25:18,132 --> 00:25:19,631
(CHUCKLES SLOWLY)
591
00:25:19,633 --> 00:25:22,066
That is... Congratulations.
592
00:25:23,502 --> 00:25:24,801
ALICE: Um...
593
00:25:24,803 --> 00:25:26,969
So, then, so, Josh,
you want to just,
594
00:25:26,971 --> 00:25:29,137
like, tell me when
you're done, then?
595
00:25:29,139 --> 00:25:30,805
I don't know, Alice.
596
00:25:30,807 --> 00:25:33,541
Like, we can... We'll just
wait till you're done.
597
00:25:33,543 --> 00:25:34,942
Shit's different, I'm not...
598
00:25:34,944 --> 00:25:38,511
I'm not sure I want
the same things anymore.
599
00:25:38,513 --> 00:25:39,978
(CHUCKLES)
600
00:25:42,682 --> 00:25:45,282
You mean, like, me?
601
00:25:46,985 --> 00:25:49,818
I didn't need an experiment
to know that I loved you.
602
00:25:51,721 --> 00:25:53,287
And I'm not an idiot.
603
00:25:53,289 --> 00:25:56,823
You're, I guess, done with
whatever you've been doing,
604
00:25:56,825 --> 00:25:59,559
with whoever you've been doing,
605
00:25:59,561 --> 00:26:01,694
and you can come
running back to me?
606
00:26:01,696 --> 00:26:04,830
No, thanks. I'll pass.
607
00:26:07,701 --> 00:26:09,167
WAITER: Who ordered pancakes?
608
00:26:11,504 --> 00:26:14,104
ALICE: Meg, I'm not ready
to be alone. I'm not.
609
00:26:14,106 --> 00:26:15,972
I don't know how
to reset my router.
610
00:26:15,974 --> 00:26:17,440
I don't even know where it is.
611
00:26:17,442 --> 00:26:19,942
I don't even really know
what, exactly, it does.
612
00:26:19,944 --> 00:26:21,944
I'm gonna be alone forever.
613
00:26:21,946 --> 00:26:23,111
(SWALLOWS) At least
my dead body
614
00:26:23,113 --> 00:26:26,180
will serve as food for my cats.
615
00:26:26,182 --> 00:26:30,884
In the eight weeks that it takes for anybody
to find me, because nobody gives a fuck.
616
00:26:30,886 --> 00:26:33,119
Why are you
watching Bridget Jones?
617
00:26:33,121 --> 00:26:34,653
(SNIFFLING)
What did I tell you?
618
00:26:34,655 --> 00:26:35,887
It feels good in the moment.
619
00:26:35,889 --> 00:26:38,723
I know, but it's a bad idea.
620
00:26:38,725 --> 00:26:40,424
You get yourself all hopped up
621
00:26:40,426 --> 00:26:42,692
on Sex and the City
and Bridget Jones
622
00:26:42,694 --> 00:26:46,128
and thinking that you need to
have some big single experience.
623
00:26:46,130 --> 00:26:48,163
Which, by the way,
is total bullshit.
624
00:26:48,165 --> 00:26:51,932
No. All those girls ever did
was look for boyfriends.
625
00:26:51,934 --> 00:26:53,400
And this is a great thing,
626
00:26:53,402 --> 00:26:55,168
because now you can
focus on your career.
627
00:26:55,170 --> 00:26:57,737
What? No! I put myself
out, into the world,
628
00:26:57,739 --> 00:26:59,705
and it completely rejected me.
629
00:26:59,707 --> 00:27:01,139
(CORK POPS) Whoa!
630
00:27:01,141 --> 00:27:04,208
Okay, you haven't been
single for that long!
631
00:27:04,210 --> 00:27:05,209
Yeah.
632
00:27:05,211 --> 00:27:06,710
You got to go around the board,
633
00:27:06,712 --> 00:27:08,745
pass "Go," collect 200 dicks.
634
00:27:08,747 --> 00:27:10,079
MEG: And you remember
635
00:27:10,081 --> 00:27:12,081
the best thing that
ever happened to me
636
00:27:12,083 --> 00:27:14,049
was when I was thinking about
quitting medical school.
637
00:27:14,051 --> 00:27:15,984
Please don't tell
the medical school story.
638
00:27:15,986 --> 00:27:17,852
And then, my piece of shit
boyfriend, Bobby,
639
00:27:17,854 --> 00:27:20,154
cheated on me
with my lab partner,
640
00:27:20,156 --> 00:27:23,957
because she was willing
to do things that I wasn't.
641
00:27:23,959 --> 00:27:25,358
Did it involve midgets?
642
00:27:26,361 --> 00:27:27,426
No.
643
00:27:28,762 --> 00:27:30,862
I once slept with an albino.
644
00:27:30,864 --> 00:27:33,898
Anyway, the good news is,
now there are.
645
00:27:33,900 --> 00:27:35,699
BOTH: 3,000 beautiful
babies in the world
646
00:27:35,701 --> 00:27:36,966
and no one can
take that away...
647
00:27:36,968 --> 00:27:38,434
from me... From her.
648
00:27:38,436 --> 00:27:40,269
Why don't you go to
one of those alumni events?
649
00:27:40,271 --> 00:27:41,203
An alumni event?
650
00:27:41,205 --> 00:27:43,905
You go, and you
network with people
651
00:27:43,907 --> 00:27:47,008
and if you really
love what you do
652
00:27:47,010 --> 00:27:50,044
then the whole
"guy" thing is easier.
653
00:27:50,046 --> 00:27:52,413
No! I don't want to
be like you, Meg.
654
00:27:52,415 --> 00:27:55,282
I don't want my job
to be my entire life.
655
00:27:55,284 --> 00:27:56,383
ROBIN: Ooh.
656
00:27:56,385 --> 00:27:59,419
Okay. Sisters, time-out.
657
00:27:59,421 --> 00:28:03,256
There are pros and cons
to both of you, okay?
658
00:28:03,258 --> 00:28:05,925
Pros. Young, beautiful.
659
00:28:05,927 --> 00:28:08,928
Pros. Also beautiful,
for your age.
660
00:28:08,930 --> 00:28:11,397
Rich. Doctor. Access to pills.
661
00:28:11,399 --> 00:28:13,132
Cons. No access to pills.
662
00:28:13,134 --> 00:28:15,400
Cons. You're really
stingy with the pills.
663
00:28:15,402 --> 00:28:16,634
Right.
664
00:28:16,636 --> 00:28:17,968
Pros. Loves me unconditionally.
665
00:28:17,970 --> 00:28:19,903
Gives me the spare key
to the apartment.
666
00:28:19,905 --> 00:28:21,371
Has a very nice
underwear drawer.
667
00:28:21,373 --> 00:28:22,805
Very neat and organized.
668
00:28:22,807 --> 00:28:24,072
You have a key to my apartment?
669
00:28:24,074 --> 00:28:26,874
Cons. Asks too many
personal questions.
670
00:28:26,876 --> 00:28:29,676
Okay. I'm gonna
take my old, lonely,
671
00:28:29,678 --> 00:28:32,144
workaholic ass
back to the hospital.
672
00:28:35,048 --> 00:28:37,848
Cons. Ugly when sad.
673
00:28:37,850 --> 00:28:40,150
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
674
00:28:45,223 --> 00:28:48,157
Hey, uh, did you bring
a sandwich from home?
675
00:28:48,159 --> 00:28:49,191
Mmm.
676
00:28:49,193 --> 00:28:51,426
Are you wearing
pajamas in a bar?
677
00:28:51,428 --> 00:28:52,393
They're sweatpants.
678
00:28:52,395 --> 00:28:54,261
I think you're bumming
some people out.
679
00:28:54,263 --> 00:28:55,929
You might want to take your
"give up" pants and go home.
680
00:28:55,931 --> 00:28:57,063
Leave me alone.
681
00:28:57,065 --> 00:29:00,099
(LAUGHING) I love this bar.
682
00:29:00,101 --> 00:29:02,382
(GASPS) Lucy?
(BOTTLE CAP CLATTERS)
683
00:29:03,003 --> 00:29:04,302
BRITTANY: Lucy?
684
00:29:04,304 --> 00:29:05,369
Hi!
685
00:29:05,938 --> 00:29:07,437
Oh, my God!
686
00:29:07,439 --> 00:29:09,105
Brittany! Hi!
687
00:29:09,107 --> 00:29:10,840
How are you? How are you?
688
00:29:10,842 --> 00:29:12,074
I'm getting married!
689
00:29:12,076 --> 00:29:13,842
She's getting married!
(ALL SHRIEKING)
690
00:29:13,844 --> 00:29:15,210
That is just the best news
691
00:29:15,212 --> 00:29:17,111
I've ever heard
in my entire life!
692
00:29:17,113 --> 00:29:18,545
(CHUCKLING) Oh, yay!
693
00:29:18,547 --> 00:29:19,946
How old are your kids?
694
00:29:19,948 --> 00:29:21,714
No. (CHUCKLES)
695
00:29:21,716 --> 00:29:25,584
I don't have any.
I just read to them sometimes.
696
00:29:25,586 --> 00:29:27,085
But not in, like, a sad way.
697
00:29:27,087 --> 00:29:29,587
It's more like
a volunteer thing?
698
00:29:29,589 --> 00:29:30,988
ALL: Oh. Oh.
699
00:29:30,990 --> 00:29:32,556
Yeah. Yeah.
700
00:29:32,558 --> 00:29:33,990
So, are you married?
701
00:29:33,992 --> 00:29:35,524
No. (CHUCKLES) No.
702
00:29:35,526 --> 00:29:36,591
Dating anyone?
703
00:29:36,593 --> 00:29:37,992
Uh, afraid not.
704
00:29:37,994 --> 00:29:39,326
Are you divorced?
705
00:29:39,328 --> 00:29:41,194
(GASPS) No, no one's
ever loved me enough
706
00:29:41,196 --> 00:29:42,261
to eventually divorce me.
707
00:29:42,263 --> 00:29:43,829
(LUCY LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
708
00:29:43,831 --> 00:29:46,164
You got to get in the game,
before you can lose, so...
709
00:29:46,166 --> 00:29:49,467
I'm not even a good loser, yet.
710
00:29:49,469 --> 00:29:50,401
(MUMBLING)
711
00:29:50,403 --> 00:29:52,236
Oh, my God,
are those penis straws?
712
00:29:52,238 --> 00:29:54,638
You guys are gonna have
a crazy night tonight!
713
00:29:54,640 --> 00:29:55,705
Hi.
714
00:29:56,474 --> 00:29:57,539
Oh.
715
00:29:59,042 --> 00:30:01,275
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
716
00:30:04,446 --> 00:30:05,578
Hey, baby.
717
00:30:06,981 --> 00:30:08,280
This is, um...
718
00:30:08,282 --> 00:30:10,015
It's all right, you can say it.
719
00:30:10,017 --> 00:30:11,649
Miss Independent
right here, right?
720
00:30:11,651 --> 00:30:12,883
I'm her boyfriend.
721
00:30:12,885 --> 00:30:14,618
ALL: Oh! He's your boyfriend.
722
00:30:14,620 --> 00:30:16,186
LUCY: This is my boyfriend.
723
00:30:16,188 --> 00:30:18,621
God, doesn't she look smoking
hot in these sweatpants?
724
00:30:18,623 --> 00:30:20,689
Oh, wow, that's so sweet.
725
00:30:20,691 --> 00:30:23,024
This is Brittany. She's
getting married, obviously.
726
00:30:23,026 --> 00:30:25,159
Oh, you're the one
getting married. Marriage!
727
00:30:25,161 --> 00:30:26,660
(ALL CHEERING)
728
00:30:26,662 --> 00:30:28,862
The end of spontaneous sex,
traveling by yourself
729
00:30:28,864 --> 00:30:31,664
and buying whatever you want without
having to ask permission, right?
730
00:30:33,033 --> 00:30:34,565
Marriage! (LAUGHS)
731
00:30:34,567 --> 00:30:37,633
Congratulations, good luck
with it. I hope it lasts.
732
00:30:38,235 --> 00:30:40,535
Sorry. No filter.
733
00:30:47,877 --> 00:30:49,409
(LAUGHING IN DISTANCE)
734
00:30:49,411 --> 00:30:52,178
(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
735
00:30:55,483 --> 00:30:56,715
(LAUGHING)
736
00:31:02,189 --> 00:31:04,956
Hey, listen. I hope, uh,
that kiss wasn't too much.
737
00:31:04,958 --> 00:31:07,391
Oh, my God.
No, no, that was awesome!
738
00:31:07,393 --> 00:31:10,594
Thank you so much! Good night.
739
00:31:13,298 --> 00:31:15,398
(GLASSES CLANKING AND RATTLING)
740
00:31:23,941 --> 00:31:25,206
(CLATTERS AND JANGLES)
741
00:31:41,490 --> 00:31:43,189
(SIGHS)
742
00:31:46,560 --> 00:31:47,625
Oh.
743
00:31:49,662 --> 00:31:50,727
(GROANS)
744
00:31:56,400 --> 00:31:57,465
(GROANING)
745
00:31:59,402 --> 00:32:01,801
(WHISPERS) Come on,
you fucking bitch.
746
00:32:02,737 --> 00:32:04,903
Hey.
747
00:32:04,905 --> 00:32:07,705
Sorry. Was that supposed
to be a private moment?
748
00:32:07,707 --> 00:32:09,406
I can't get my zipper.
749
00:32:11,476 --> 00:32:13,108
I'm sorry for
what I said to you.
750
00:32:13,110 --> 00:32:14,476
What?
751
00:32:14,478 --> 00:32:15,643
I said, I'm sorry for
what I said to you.
752
00:32:15,645 --> 00:32:16,766
Can't hear you.
753
00:32:17,979 --> 00:32:21,780
I said I'm sorry for what
I said to you! (CHUCKLES)
754
00:32:24,551 --> 00:32:25,616
(SIGHS)
755
00:32:25,618 --> 00:32:27,217
What?
756
00:32:27,219 --> 00:32:29,252
(EXHALES)
I'm gonna have a baby.
757
00:32:29,254 --> 00:32:31,187
What? I found a sperm donor.
758
00:32:31,189 --> 00:32:33,355
This guy.
He's of Swedish descent.
759
00:32:33,357 --> 00:32:34,956
Oh, my God.
He has no known cancers
760
00:32:34,958 --> 00:32:37,825
on either side of his family,
no history of drug abuse,
761
00:32:37,827 --> 00:32:40,194
no history of any kind
of mental illness, or...
762
00:32:40,196 --> 00:32:41,528
Oh, my God. I know.
763
00:32:41,530 --> 00:32:43,662
Oh, my God. (BOTH LAUGHING)
764
00:32:45,032 --> 00:32:46,998
I know.
765
00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:48,366
Wait. Do you think
it's a bad idea?
766
00:32:48,368 --> 00:32:50,167
Why are you saying
"Oh, my God" five times?
767
00:32:50,169 --> 00:32:52,002
No, but... Wait,
when do you meet him?
768
00:32:52,004 --> 00:32:53,703
That's the best part.
769
00:32:53,705 --> 00:32:56,338
I never, ever have to meet
him, or any of his family.
770
00:32:56,340 --> 00:32:58,373
There's no strings
attached at all.
771
00:32:58,375 --> 00:33:00,174
Nothing. Is that crazy?
772
00:33:00,176 --> 00:33:02,609
No. Oh, my God,
you're gonna have a baby.
773
00:33:02,611 --> 00:33:05,278
I know!
You're gonna have a baby!
774
00:33:05,280 --> 00:33:07,313
(LAUGHS) I'm so happy for you.
775
00:33:07,315 --> 00:33:09,515
You'll always be my baby first.
776
00:33:10,351 --> 00:33:13,485
But you do need to grow up.
777
00:33:13,487 --> 00:33:15,587
And you do need to
move out by this Friday.
778
00:33:15,589 --> 00:33:16,588
What?
779
00:33:16,590 --> 00:33:18,289
The co-op board
found out you were here.
780
00:33:18,291 --> 00:33:20,324
Is this a bad idea?
Would you tell me?
781
00:33:20,326 --> 00:33:22,659
No, you're gonna be
the best mom in the world.
782
00:33:22,661 --> 00:33:24,260
Wait. Just go back.
783
00:33:24,262 --> 00:33:26,395
What was that thing that you
just said about the co-op board?
784
00:33:26,397 --> 00:33:27,829
You need to be out by Friday.
785
00:33:28,717 --> 00:33:30,998
But you're allowed
to have guests.
786
00:33:31,000 --> 00:33:33,033
Yes. But my guests
aren't allowed
787
00:33:33,035 --> 00:33:34,801
to slide down
the trash chute, naked.
788
00:33:34,803 --> 00:33:36,836
I didn't go naked down the...
789
00:33:37,705 --> 00:33:39,604
Oh. (GULPS)
790
00:33:39,606 --> 00:33:40,638
Robin did that.
791
00:33:40,640 --> 00:33:41,805
Mmm-hmm.
792
00:33:41,807 --> 00:33:44,307
I've seen security
footage. And it just...
793
00:33:44,309 --> 00:33:45,775
(EXCLAIMS) Hmm.
794
00:33:45,777 --> 00:33:48,444
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
795
00:34:04,294 --> 00:34:06,294
I don't know. (CHEERS)
796
00:34:06,296 --> 00:34:07,695
Hmm, it seems kind of homey,
797
00:34:07,697 --> 00:34:09,730
like you'd actually
want to spend time here.
798
00:34:10,833 --> 00:34:13,133
Oh, this could be
a reading window.
799
00:34:13,135 --> 00:34:15,135
Reading is for ugly losers.
800
00:34:15,137 --> 00:34:16,769
(EXHALES) I don't know.
I really like it.
801
00:34:16,771 --> 00:34:18,370
Yeah, but, I mean... Oh!
802
00:34:18,372 --> 00:34:19,571
BROKER: Wait!
No, don't do that!
803
00:34:19,573 --> 00:34:21,806
That just...
That just fell off.
804
00:34:21,808 --> 00:34:23,140
I think I'm gonna take it.
805
00:34:23,142 --> 00:34:24,674
ROBIN: This place is dangerous.
806
00:34:24,676 --> 00:34:26,175
It's perfect. (CHUCKLES)
807
00:34:26,177 --> 00:34:27,609
Don't let that... Don't...
808
00:34:27,611 --> 00:34:29,377
(CLANGS)
809
00:34:29,379 --> 00:34:32,146
Did that just break? Yeah.
810
00:34:32,148 --> 00:34:33,881
(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
811
00:34:55,070 --> 00:34:57,937
(CUTLERY CLANKS)
812
00:35:32,873 --> 00:35:34,739
(YAWNS) Good night.
813
00:35:38,744 --> 00:35:40,410
That was weird.
814
00:35:42,045 --> 00:35:44,246
Maybe you should
just leave it in there.
815
00:35:44,248 --> 00:35:45,647
Maybe you shouldn't
shake it like that.
816
00:35:45,649 --> 00:35:47,315
What, it's gonna make
the pee go in there.
817
00:35:47,317 --> 00:35:49,817
No, it doesn't work like that.
That's not a Polaroid.
818
00:35:49,819 --> 00:35:51,819
I'm gonna be the
best auntie, ever. I am.
819
00:35:51,821 --> 00:35:53,587
I'm gonna give that kid
whatever it wants.
820
00:35:53,589 --> 00:35:55,288
Forever.
All the sugar in the world.
821
00:35:55,290 --> 00:35:56,689
Don't get your hopes up, okay?
822
00:35:56,691 --> 00:35:58,590
Because it never works
on the first time.
823
00:35:58,592 --> 00:36:00,024
It's too late. (CHUCKLES)
824
00:36:00,026 --> 00:36:01,325
(PHONE RINGS)
825
00:36:04,129 --> 00:36:05,294
Mmm.
826
00:36:05,296 --> 00:36:08,264
See? I told you.
827
00:36:08,266 --> 00:36:09,665
Are you okay? Yeah.
828
00:36:09,667 --> 00:36:12,000
Oh, no, it always... This is...
829
00:36:12,002 --> 00:36:15,203
It doesn't usually work on
the first time, like I said.
830
00:36:15,205 --> 00:36:16,737
What?
831
00:36:20,843 --> 00:36:23,976
I deal with this kind of thing
all the time. You know that.
832
00:36:25,512 --> 00:36:27,044
Are you drinking enough water?
833
00:36:27,046 --> 00:36:30,167
Your lips are really dry, which
means you're dehydrated.
834
00:36:30,381 --> 00:36:32,447
I'll go get you some water.
835
00:36:36,819 --> 00:36:39,452
(MAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
836
00:36:39,454 --> 00:36:40,719
These plums are
available through
837
00:36:40,721 --> 00:36:42,153
late summer, early autumn.
838
00:36:42,155 --> 00:36:43,220
JOSH: Alice!
839
00:36:43,222 --> 00:36:44,521
And they're just wonderful,
840
00:36:44,523 --> 00:36:46,443
they're called
Italian prune plums.
841
00:36:46,958 --> 00:36:48,090
(STONE CLATTERS)
842
00:36:48,092 --> 00:36:49,791
So, we're gonna make
a bit of caramel
843
00:36:49,793 --> 00:36:52,326
with a cup of sugar,
and a third of a cup of water.
844
00:36:52,328 --> 00:36:53,727
I'm just gonna
cook it over medium heat
845
00:36:53,729 --> 00:36:55,962
until it's nice and
caramelized and brown...
846
00:36:55,964 --> 00:36:57,063
JOSH: Alice!
847
00:37:01,002 --> 00:37:02,434
Hi. Hi.
848
00:37:02,436 --> 00:37:03,968
My buzzer's broken.
849
00:37:03,970 --> 00:37:06,437
It's like if Romeo and Juliet
had lived in New York.
850
00:37:06,439 --> 00:37:08,705
(CHUCKLES)
That was bad. Can I come up?
851
00:37:08,707 --> 00:37:10,373
Yeah.
852
00:37:10,375 --> 00:37:12,441
(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
853
00:37:12,443 --> 00:37:13,708
(JANGLES)
854
00:37:17,180 --> 00:37:19,747
WOMAN: (ON TV) If you want to
make this cake another time...
855
00:37:22,017 --> 00:37:23,549
(UTENSILS CLATTERING)
856
00:37:24,184 --> 00:37:27,017
(CLATTERING)
857
00:37:28,220 --> 00:37:30,019
(CLATTERS)
858
00:37:33,957 --> 00:37:35,022
Hey.
859
00:37:35,024 --> 00:37:36,256
Hey.
860
00:37:36,258 --> 00:37:37,457
It's good to see you.
861
00:37:37,459 --> 00:37:40,526
So good to see you. What's up?
862
00:37:40,528 --> 00:37:42,127
Well, I was going
through my closet,
863
00:37:42,129 --> 00:37:43,561
and I found a bunch
of your old stuff,
864
00:37:43,563 --> 00:37:46,030
so I thought you might want it.
865
00:37:46,565 --> 00:37:48,031
(CHUCKLES)
866
00:37:50,001 --> 00:37:53,035
I could've come by to get this.
867
00:37:53,037 --> 00:37:57,072
Well, actually,
that's the thing, is, um,
868
00:37:57,074 --> 00:37:59,240
that's part of why I
wanted to come over.
869
00:37:59,242 --> 00:38:00,808
Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)
870
00:38:00,810 --> 00:38:04,777
So, Michelle is
moving in tomorrow.
871
00:38:05,479 --> 00:38:08,513
So... Wow!
872
00:38:09,382 --> 00:38:11,949
Michelle. (TAPS)
873
00:38:11,951 --> 00:38:13,317
She's got a name
and everything.
874
00:38:13,319 --> 00:38:14,685
She's got a name.
875
00:38:14,687 --> 00:38:15,886
Well, technically,
she's always had a name.
876
00:38:15,888 --> 00:38:17,487
Mmm-hmm.
I mean, her lease was up
877
00:38:17,489 --> 00:38:18,921
and I was with
this craigslist guy,
878
00:38:18,923 --> 00:38:20,455
and he started
stealing my socks.
879
00:38:20,457 --> 00:38:21,789
Mmm-hmm.
And so, it just made sense.
880
00:38:21,791 --> 00:38:23,490
It makes sense.
And we're excited.
881
00:38:23,492 --> 00:38:26,059
Mmm-hmm. We are.
You said "we." Okay.
882
00:38:26,061 --> 00:38:27,126
So...
883
00:38:27,128 --> 00:38:28,894
So let me give you the tour.
884
00:38:28,896 --> 00:38:31,930
Um, this is the kitchen.
This is the dining room.
885
00:38:31,932 --> 00:38:37,068
This is the living room
workspace-bedroom region.
886
00:38:37,070 --> 00:38:40,071
And are you working
on your Spanish?
887
00:38:40,073 --> 00:38:41,605
Oh, that's been that
way since I moved in,
888
00:38:41,607 --> 00:38:43,073
and I don't know how to fix it.
889
00:38:43,075 --> 00:38:45,141
And now I don't know
what the world would be like
890
00:38:45,143 --> 00:38:46,809
if it wasn't in Spanish.
891
00:38:50,981 --> 00:38:52,747
It's pretty easy,
you know, it's...
892
00:39:00,422 --> 00:39:01,954
(SOFTLY) Alice.
893
00:39:01,956 --> 00:39:04,856
(SNIFFLES) You're so handy.
(SIGHS)
894
00:39:06,392 --> 00:39:07,591
Alice.
895
00:39:07,593 --> 00:39:09,759
Michelle is
a really lucky girl.
896
00:39:10,294 --> 00:39:12,160
(CHUCKLES)
897
00:39:12,162 --> 00:39:14,695
I didn't expect
for this to happen.
898
00:39:15,431 --> 00:39:16,696
I just...
899
00:39:18,466 --> 00:39:21,066
I stopped comparing
everyone to you
900
00:39:21,068 --> 00:39:23,768
and then I met
someone pretty great.
901
00:39:25,238 --> 00:39:26,904
I'm super happy for you.
902
00:39:28,173 --> 00:39:29,539
Yeah, I can see that.
903
00:39:30,575 --> 00:39:34,609
Alice. All right.
904
00:39:34,611 --> 00:39:36,377
(CLEARS THROAT) I'm gonna go.
905
00:39:36,379 --> 00:39:37,644
Okay. (SNIFFLES)
906
00:39:38,613 --> 00:39:40,245
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
907
00:39:48,421 --> 00:39:50,854
(SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYING)
908
00:39:52,257 --> 00:39:54,156
You need to move on.
909
00:39:56,226 --> 00:39:57,592
Fine.
910
00:39:58,528 --> 00:40:00,528
Uh, no going backwards,
only forwards.
911
00:40:00,530 --> 00:40:02,096
You can't sleep with Tom again.
912
00:40:02,098 --> 00:40:03,997
Well, then, we're gonna
have to start going
913
00:40:03,999 --> 00:40:06,232
to a different bar, girlfriend.
914
00:40:06,234 --> 00:40:07,967
No, you'll be fine,
915
00:40:07,969 --> 00:40:10,436
just don't hit your
drink number with him.
916
00:40:10,438 --> 00:40:12,471
What's my drink number?
917
00:40:12,473 --> 00:40:14,573
In every male-female
friendship,
918
00:40:14,575 --> 00:40:16,341
there's a total
number of drinks
919
00:40:16,343 --> 00:40:19,177
and if you hit that, it means
you will definitely have sex.
920
00:40:19,179 --> 00:40:21,379
So, how many drinks does it
take to get you wasted?
921
00:40:21,381 --> 00:40:22,513
Two and a half,
922
00:40:22,515 --> 00:40:23,547
but maybe three, if I've eaten.
923
00:40:23,549 --> 00:40:24,648
Three.
924
00:40:24,650 --> 00:40:26,616
Okay, and Tom's is eight.
925
00:40:26,618 --> 00:40:28,217
So, you can't hit eleven drinks
926
00:40:28,219 --> 00:40:29,518
between the two of you.
927
00:40:29,520 --> 00:40:31,953
Okay.
Not one for you, 10 for him.
928
00:40:31,955 --> 00:40:33,988
Not six for him, five for you.
929
00:40:33,990 --> 00:40:35,389
If I had more than five drinks,
930
00:40:35,391 --> 00:40:36,656
I'd hook up with you.
931
00:40:36,658 --> 00:40:38,457
My drink number is 27.
932
00:40:38,459 --> 00:40:39,891
What?
933
00:40:39,893 --> 00:40:42,226
I wouldn't even touch
myself on less than 24.
934
00:40:42,228 --> 00:40:43,327
That's...
935
00:40:44,263 --> 00:40:46,263
What are you doing? Stop.
936
00:40:46,265 --> 00:40:48,164
What is that? Stop.
937
00:40:49,634 --> 00:40:51,100
(SCREAMS)
938
00:40:51,102 --> 00:40:52,801
Oh, my God.
939
00:40:52,803 --> 00:40:54,469
I thought that was gonna be boiling hot.
It's actually really cold.
940
00:40:54,471 --> 00:40:55,536
You have LTRP.
941
00:40:55,538 --> 00:40:56,637
Oh, my God. I do?
942
00:40:56,639 --> 00:40:57,804
Yeah.
943
00:40:57,806 --> 00:40:59,672
Tom gave it to me. For sure.
944
00:40:59,674 --> 00:41:01,040
Wait. What's LTRP?
945
00:41:01,042 --> 00:41:02,608
Long-Term Relationship Pussy.
946
00:41:02,610 --> 00:41:04,509
You really need
to get that taken care of.
947
00:41:04,511 --> 00:41:06,544
What do you mean?
I barely have any hair.
948
00:41:06,546 --> 00:41:07,978
It's like you dropped
your hairbrush
949
00:41:07,980 --> 00:41:09,813
and your vagina caught it.
950
00:41:09,815 --> 00:41:12,315
I could make dreadlocks with that
bush and form a reggae band.
951
00:41:12,317 --> 00:41:14,984
That looks like a whole bowl
of petrified curly fries.
952
00:41:14,986 --> 00:41:18,020
It's like Gandalf
is staring right at me.
953
00:41:18,022 --> 00:41:20,856
(MIMICS GANDALF)
"No penis shall pass!"
954
00:41:20,858 --> 00:41:23,525
You've ruined
so many things for me.
955
00:41:23,527 --> 00:41:25,860
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
956
00:41:35,104 --> 00:41:36,403
(SIGHS)
957
00:41:36,405 --> 00:41:38,071
(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
958
00:41:41,609 --> 00:41:42,708
Hi.
959
00:41:42,710 --> 00:41:45,110
Hi. What are you here for?
960
00:41:45,112 --> 00:41:49,947
Um, I am here to finally
put myself out there.
961
00:41:49,949 --> 00:41:53,050
Like, in a real way. You know?
962
00:41:53,052 --> 00:41:56,253
Not just physically,
but, like, emotionally.
963
00:41:56,255 --> 00:41:57,520
Yeah.
964
00:41:57,522 --> 00:42:00,456
Uh, no, I was asking
what event are you here for?
965
00:42:00,458 --> 00:42:01,957
Oh, um...
966
00:42:02,426 --> 00:42:03,725
Oh, my God.
967
00:42:03,727 --> 00:42:05,960
The Wesleyan Alumni
Networking Event.
968
00:42:05,962 --> 00:42:07,695
Cool.
969
00:42:07,697 --> 00:42:10,330
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
970
00:42:18,172 --> 00:42:19,237
Oh, I'm sorry.
971
00:42:19,239 --> 00:42:20,538
Sorry, sorry.
972
00:42:20,540 --> 00:42:22,406
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
973
00:42:22,408 --> 00:42:23,840
Oh, my God, we're...
974
00:42:23,842 --> 00:42:25,741
♪ I wanna see your
peacock, cock, cock ♪
975
00:42:25,743 --> 00:42:27,343
♪ Your peacock, cock ♪
976
00:42:27,345 --> 00:42:30,512
♪ Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock ♪
977
00:42:31,273 --> 00:42:32,513
♪ Word on the street ♪
978
00:42:32,515 --> 00:42:34,648
♪ You got somethin'
to show me, me ♪
979
00:42:34,650 --> 00:42:38,318
♪ Magical, colorful,
myster-mystery-eeh ♪
980
00:42:38,320 --> 00:42:41,321
♪ I'm intrigued for a peek
Heard it's fascinating ♪
981
00:42:41,323 --> 00:42:43,456
♪ Come on baby let me see
What you hidin' underneath ♪
982
00:42:43,458 --> 00:42:44,690
Hey. Get back over there,
983
00:42:44,692 --> 00:42:46,391
you're screwing up
the harmonies.
984
00:42:46,393 --> 00:42:47,859
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
985
00:42:47,861 --> 00:42:49,694
I'm David Stone,
nice to meet you.
986
00:42:49,696 --> 00:42:51,328
Hi. Hey, I'm Alice.
987
00:42:51,330 --> 00:42:52,495
Alice...
988
00:42:52,497 --> 00:42:53,796
Kepley. Kepley.
989
00:42:53,798 --> 00:42:55,831
It's not as good as "Stone."
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
990
00:42:55,833 --> 00:42:57,532
Do you want one of
my business cards?
991
00:42:57,534 --> 00:43:00,434
Or maybe 400 of them, so you
could tile your bathroom?
992
00:43:00,436 --> 00:43:01,501
Well, what's on them?
993
00:43:01,503 --> 00:43:03,669
Um, my Social Security Number,
994
00:43:03,671 --> 00:43:06,304
my mom's maiden name,
my ATM PIN.
995
00:43:06,306 --> 00:43:07,571
That's what
goes on these, right?
996
00:43:07,573 --> 00:43:08,638
Absolutely, the essentials.
997
00:43:08,640 --> 00:43:09,705
(BOTH LAUGHING)
998
00:43:09,707 --> 00:43:11,006
What do you do?
999
00:43:11,008 --> 00:43:12,440
Um, I'm a paralegal.
1000
00:43:12,442 --> 00:43:15,242
Okay. At Brown, Light
and Finkelstein.
1001
00:43:15,244 --> 00:43:17,877
Is that, uh, 144 Wall Street?
Yeah.
1002
00:43:17,879 --> 00:43:19,612
Yeah, I have the building
right next door.
1003
00:43:19,614 --> 00:43:21,146
You "have" the building?
1004
00:43:21,148 --> 00:43:23,581
Like, in
a Fantasy Building League?
1005
00:43:23,583 --> 00:43:25,950
Uh, no. Um, I don't
"have" the building,
1006
00:43:25,952 --> 00:43:27,551
I kind of own it. Oh.
1007
00:43:27,553 --> 00:43:29,252
There's no way to
make that sound right.
1008
00:43:29,254 --> 00:43:31,254
I'm a developer,
so, it's not just me.
1009
00:43:31,256 --> 00:43:33,089
It's like a group
of people, but...
1010
00:43:33,091 --> 00:43:35,958
That's like a real-ass job, man.
Yeah, I know, it's the worst.
1011
00:43:35,960 --> 00:43:37,225
(BOTH LAUGHING)
1012
00:43:38,628 --> 00:43:39,994
Oh, your team.
1013
00:43:39,996 --> 00:43:41,428
We really need to
work on our repertoire.
1014
00:43:41,430 --> 00:43:43,430
Are you kidding me? This is my jam!
Is it?
1015
00:43:43,432 --> 00:43:47,600
Yeah, this is like my top 13th
favorite song of all time.
1016
00:43:47,602 --> 00:43:49,322
(LAUGHS) (PHONE RINGING)
1017
00:43:49,568 --> 00:43:51,769
Oh, I'm sorry,
it's my daughter.
1018
00:43:51,771 --> 00:43:53,303
Oh, yeah, no, totally. Me, too.
1019
00:43:53,305 --> 00:43:55,872
I mean, I'm a...
I'm a daughter.
1020
00:43:55,874 --> 00:43:57,673
It was great to meet you.
(CHUCKLES)
1021
00:43:57,675 --> 00:43:59,274
Bye. Yeah.
1022
00:43:59,276 --> 00:44:00,675
♪ Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock ♪
1023
00:44:00,677 --> 00:44:02,009
(CLEARS THROAT)
1024
00:44:02,011 --> 00:44:04,212
♪ I wanna see
your peacock, cock ♪
1025
00:44:05,914 --> 00:44:07,914
MEG: Okay, 30 more seconds.
1026
00:44:08,549 --> 00:44:09,948
Twenty-seven.
1027
00:44:09,950 --> 00:44:13,217
It said three to
10 minutes, is that right?
1028
00:44:13,219 --> 00:44:14,785
I'm doing this in solidarity.
1029
00:44:14,787 --> 00:44:17,853
Guys. Mine's positive.
1030
00:44:18,584 --> 00:44:20,664
What? What?
1031
00:44:20,689 --> 00:44:22,422
Wait.
1032
00:44:22,424 --> 00:44:24,757
I'm taking a drug test. Is
that what you guys are doing?
1033
00:44:24,759 --> 00:44:25,958
No. No.
1034
00:44:25,960 --> 00:44:27,859
(BEEPING)
1035
00:44:30,964 --> 00:44:32,530
(LAUGHING)
1036
00:44:33,919 --> 00:44:35,799
I'm... (LAUGHING)
1037
00:44:35,801 --> 00:44:37,467
You're pregnant.
1038
00:44:37,469 --> 00:44:38,768
I'm pregnant.
1039
00:44:38,770 --> 00:44:41,636
It's all right, don't worry.
We'll take care of it.
1040
00:44:42,538 --> 00:44:44,771
I mean, "Yes!"
1041
00:44:44,773 --> 00:44:46,873
ALICE: You're pregnant!
1042
00:44:46,875 --> 00:44:48,541
We're pregnant!
1043
00:44:48,543 --> 00:44:49,808
I'm not pregnant!
1044
00:44:49,810 --> 00:44:51,609
I'm on drugs!
1045
00:44:51,611 --> 00:44:53,043
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
1046
00:45:15,833 --> 00:45:18,700
I found my peanut!
This is Paul.
1047
00:45:18,702 --> 00:45:19,801
Hey.
1048
00:45:19,803 --> 00:45:20,968
He has so many teeth.
1049
00:45:20,970 --> 00:45:22,235
(LAUGHS)
1050
00:45:23,238 --> 00:45:25,304
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
1051
00:45:29,310 --> 00:45:33,478
What up, office fools?
It's time for Secret Santa!
1052
00:45:33,480 --> 00:45:36,581
Who's ready to reach
into my cleave of wonders
1053
00:45:36,583 --> 00:45:37,949
and win themselves a prize?
1054
00:45:37,951 --> 00:45:40,651
Doris, I'm coming
to you first, baby.
1055
00:45:42,988 --> 00:45:46,389
Whoa! It is a hole-puncher!
1056
00:45:46,391 --> 00:45:49,024
You have won
Kathy's credit card.
1057
00:45:49,026 --> 00:45:50,358
Let's go, dance circle!
1058
00:45:50,360 --> 00:45:53,193
Bridget, come on
in here, you slut!
1059
00:45:55,664 --> 00:45:59,132
How many sliders does it take
to equal a whole burger?
1060
00:45:59,834 --> 00:46:01,633
What?
1061
00:46:01,635 --> 00:46:04,268
How many little burgers does it
take to make a whole burger?
1062
00:46:04,270 --> 00:46:06,703
(SNORTS) You're crazy.
1063
00:46:06,705 --> 00:46:07,904
Don't call me crazy.
1064
00:46:07,906 --> 00:46:10,072
Don't ever call
a pregnant woman crazy.
1065
00:46:10,074 --> 00:46:11,873
Okay. All right.
Not ever. Never.
1066
00:46:11,875 --> 00:46:13,341
Okay.
1067
00:46:13,343 --> 00:46:15,276
How many little meats
make up a whole big meat?
1068
00:46:15,278 --> 00:46:17,277
I don't know, maybe four?
1069
00:46:19,014 --> 00:46:20,279
I've had seven.
1070
00:46:20,281 --> 00:46:21,813
Eight. I meant eight.
1071
00:46:21,815 --> 00:46:23,147
Is it four, or is it eight?
1072
00:46:23,149 --> 00:46:25,716
It's eight, or more.
Everyone knows that.
1073
00:46:25,718 --> 00:46:26,817
Who told you that?
1074
00:46:26,819 --> 00:46:28,185
The slider guy.
1075
00:46:30,055 --> 00:46:32,889
Please blink,
so I know you're in there.
1076
00:46:32,891 --> 00:46:34,257
I'm sorry. (EXHALES) God.
1077
00:46:34,259 --> 00:46:36,659
I just have blood pumping
through my body
1078
00:46:36,661 --> 00:46:38,160
in an uncomfortable way
1079
00:46:38,162 --> 00:46:40,729
and it feels like it's all
accumulating right here.
1080
00:46:40,731 --> 00:46:43,131
Don't touch yourself like
that in my workplace.
1081
00:46:43,133 --> 00:46:44,532
I need a man.
1082
00:46:44,534 --> 00:46:45,766
A man?
1083
00:46:45,768 --> 00:46:47,400
I don't know...
I don't know what's happening.
1084
00:46:47,402 --> 00:46:49,135
It's, like, the hormones
or something.
1085
00:46:49,137 --> 00:46:53,973
Actually, the new guy has sort
of been checking you out.
1086
00:46:53,975 --> 00:46:55,855
Which one? He's...
1087
00:46:59,506 --> 00:47:00,946
Did you get it? No.
1088
00:47:00,948 --> 00:47:03,081
All right. He's like...
1089
00:47:04,717 --> 00:47:06,216
Right over there.
1090
00:47:08,820 --> 00:47:10,686
No. No. Why?
1091
00:47:10,688 --> 00:47:12,521
Because he's too young.
1092
00:47:12,523 --> 00:47:14,623
All young guys want to
do is have sex all day.
1093
00:47:14,625 --> 00:47:17,993
All I need is just
a quick 10 minutes,
1094
00:47:17,995 --> 00:47:21,096
and then a really long nap.
1095
00:47:21,098 --> 00:47:22,964
How old is that
little niblet, anyway?
1096
00:47:22,966 --> 00:47:26,367
Like, twenty-f... Seven?
1097
00:47:26,369 --> 00:47:28,102
The only reason a guy like
that would ever talk to me
1098
00:47:28,104 --> 00:47:30,104
is to get a prescription
for medical marijuana.
1099
00:47:30,106 --> 00:47:31,705
So, no.
1100
00:47:31,707 --> 00:47:33,606
I think he's coming over.
Yeah, he's totally wanting it.
1101
00:47:33,608 --> 00:47:35,374
Wait, he might be
going to the food.
1102
00:47:35,376 --> 00:47:37,676
Don't look over there.
No, he's coming.
1103
00:47:38,578 --> 00:47:40,110
He's here.
1104
00:47:40,112 --> 00:47:41,611
Just saw you looking
at me over there.
1105
00:47:41,613 --> 00:47:44,981
I thought I'd come over,
say "What's up."
1106
00:47:44,983 --> 00:47:46,248
Hmm. Or...
1107
00:47:47,050 --> 00:47:48,115
(CHUCKLES)
1108
00:47:48,117 --> 00:47:49,716
Oh, my God, did I misread that?
1109
00:47:49,718 --> 00:47:51,651
(STUTTERS) Were you not...
Were you just talking about...
1110
00:47:51,653 --> 00:47:54,053
Um, did you not
want me to come over?
1111
00:47:57,958 --> 00:47:59,590
Hey, I'm Ken.
1112
00:47:59,592 --> 00:48:02,392
Hmm. (CHUCKLES)
You must be Alice's sister.
1113
00:48:02,394 --> 00:48:03,659
Um, do you want a drink? No.
1114
00:48:03,661 --> 00:48:04,726
Can I get you...
1115
00:48:04,728 --> 00:48:07,495
I had a lot of
drinks earlier today.
1116
00:48:07,497 --> 00:48:08,996
(CLICKS TONGUE) (EXHALES)
1117
00:48:08,998 --> 00:48:10,530
Have you heard anything
about an after-party?
1118
00:48:10,532 --> 00:48:12,832
Or even, like,
another part of this party?
1119
00:48:12,834 --> 00:48:17,502
Because this feels like
a longer day at work, than...
1120
00:48:17,504 --> 00:48:19,003
Oh, my God, am I boring you?
1121
00:48:19,005 --> 00:48:20,571
Is that... Are you
trying not to yawn?
1122
00:48:20,573 --> 00:48:22,606
Mmm-mmm. That's just your face?
1123
00:48:22,608 --> 00:48:26,176
No, I'm sorry. I'm a doctor,
and I'm just really tired.
1124
00:48:26,178 --> 00:48:28,411
What is it you were
saying you do?
1125
00:48:28,413 --> 00:48:31,913
I wasn't, but I
work here, for now.
1126
00:48:31,915 --> 00:48:33,381
But, um...
1127
00:48:33,383 --> 00:48:36,050
Oh, my God,
are you having a stroke?
1128
00:48:36,052 --> 00:48:37,551
Seriously, this is
the honeymoon.
1129
00:48:37,553 --> 00:48:39,519
Like, we just
met 30 seconds ago.
1130
00:48:39,521 --> 00:48:41,587
Honestly, like, if we're not
gonna make it through this,
1131
00:48:41,589 --> 00:48:43,455
I don't think we're
gonna make it at all.
1132
00:48:43,457 --> 00:48:45,890
So, why don't you just,
like, let her rip?
1133
00:48:45,892 --> 00:48:47,852
Okay. Like, let it all out.
1134
00:48:48,860 --> 00:48:50,426
Yeah.
1135
00:48:50,428 --> 00:48:52,594
(YAWNS) How awesome was that?
1136
00:48:52,596 --> 00:48:53,862
That feels so good.
1137
00:48:53,864 --> 00:48:55,930
Right? (CHUCKLES)
1138
00:48:55,932 --> 00:48:57,798
Who are you, again?
1139
00:48:57,800 --> 00:48:58,932
I'm, uh, Ken.
1140
00:48:58,934 --> 00:49:00,633
And what's going on here?
1141
00:49:00,635 --> 00:49:02,067
Is this... (CHUCKLES)
I don't...
1142
00:49:02,069 --> 00:49:03,635
Is this one of those
fetish things?
1143
00:49:03,637 --> 00:49:07,238
Where you're, like,
a foot fetish. Am I the foot?
1144
00:49:07,240 --> 00:49:09,506
Do you want to be the foot?
1145
00:49:09,508 --> 00:49:13,175
I'm not into feet, but I would
like to go out with you.
1146
00:49:13,177 --> 00:49:14,709
Oh.
1147
00:49:14,711 --> 00:49:16,177
Yes. Why?
1148
00:49:16,179 --> 00:49:18,145
Really? I...
Do you not want me to?
1149
00:49:18,147 --> 00:49:21,947
I do! I... That's not what I was saying.
No, I was just wondering why.
1150
00:49:21,949 --> 00:49:23,782
Because I think you're hot.
1151
00:49:23,784 --> 00:49:26,050
(LAUGHS)
And I think you're funny.
1152
00:49:26,052 --> 00:49:28,585
And I like the face you make
when you're trying not to yawn.
1153
00:49:28,587 --> 00:49:30,920
And then you have an
awesome yawn after that, so...
1154
00:49:30,922 --> 00:49:33,255
I mean, that's always something
I've looked for in a girl.
1155
00:49:33,257 --> 00:49:34,923
(CHUCKLES) I don't know.
1156
00:49:34,925 --> 00:49:36,257
But, cheers.
1157
00:49:36,259 --> 00:49:38,792
Holy shit, that's a candle.
1158
00:49:38,794 --> 00:49:40,226
(MEG CLEARS THROAT)
1159
00:49:40,228 --> 00:49:42,388
So, do you wanna just go do this, then?
(CLEARS THROAT)
1160
00:49:43,030 --> 00:49:44,796
(RETRO MUSIC PLAYING)
1161
00:49:47,000 --> 00:49:48,265
Oh.
1162
00:49:49,801 --> 00:49:50,866
Mmm.
1163
00:49:54,537 --> 00:49:55,936
I don't want anything serious.
1164
00:49:55,938 --> 00:49:58,271
Good, because I'm saving
myself for marriage.
1165
00:49:58,273 --> 00:50:00,573
(LAUGHS) I'm just kidding.
1166
00:50:00,575 --> 00:50:02,875
My God, your body is awesome!
1167
00:50:04,078 --> 00:50:05,877
Do I smell like hamburgers?
1168
00:50:05,879 --> 00:50:07,578
You taste like hamburgers.
1169
00:50:09,053 --> 00:50:11,214
(LAUGHING)
That's totally beautiful.
1170
00:50:11,216 --> 00:50:12,481
(KEN GRUNTS)
1171
00:50:13,805 --> 00:50:17,085
You didn't really have to come all
the way here with me, you know?
1172
00:50:17,087 --> 00:50:19,020
And miss a subway ride with you?
(LAUGHS)
1173
00:50:19,022 --> 00:50:21,722
That's like 20 extra
minutes of Paul time.
1174
00:50:21,724 --> 00:50:23,623
Aw. Thank you. Yeah.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
1175
00:50:23,625 --> 00:50:25,358
Actually, I got you something.
1176
00:50:25,360 --> 00:50:26,659
Oh, okay.
1177
00:50:26,661 --> 00:50:28,761
I have a sandwich
for the train ride.
1178
00:50:28,763 --> 00:50:31,730
Oh, thank you. And there's
a bagel in there, too,
1179
00:50:31,732 --> 00:50:33,331
in case you don't
want the sandwich.
1180
00:50:33,333 --> 00:50:36,400
It's a 45 minute
train ride, but thank you.
1181
00:50:36,402 --> 00:50:37,968
And there's this. What?
1182
00:50:37,970 --> 00:50:39,069
Merry Christmas.
1183
00:50:39,071 --> 00:50:40,403
You shouldn't have.
1184
00:50:40,405 --> 00:50:42,371
Really, it's just
a little thing that...
1185
00:50:42,373 --> 00:50:44,539
Oh. Open it now, yeah.
1186
00:50:45,742 --> 00:50:47,808
Whoa! These are pictures of us.
1187
00:50:47,810 --> 00:50:50,377
It's memories of
all our time together.
1188
00:50:50,379 --> 00:50:53,880
Yeah, there's three weeks
of photos. That's...
1189
00:50:53,882 --> 00:50:56,202
And then we can
fill in the rest.
1190
00:50:57,151 --> 00:50:58,884
Oh, so...
1191
00:50:58,886 --> 00:51:03,421
Look, Lucy, I...
I really care about you.
1192
00:51:03,423 --> 00:51:08,625
And I just don't know if we want to
think too much in the long term,
1193
00:51:08,627 --> 00:51:11,894
only because I don't know
if I see a future with you.
1194
00:51:11,896 --> 00:51:14,997
Normally, I break up with
people before the holidays,
1195
00:51:14,999 --> 00:51:17,165
just so, you know,
they don't get the wrong idea.
1196
00:51:17,167 --> 00:51:19,867
But I just thought, since
we're dating other people,
1197
00:51:19,869 --> 00:51:23,904
I would just wait and break up with
you on Martin Luther King Day.
1198
00:51:23,906 --> 00:51:26,640
Okay, I have no idea what that
means, but it sounds vaguely racist.
1199
00:51:26,642 --> 00:51:28,742
Just, statistically,
it's the easiest holiday
1200
00:51:28,744 --> 00:51:30,376
to break up with
someone on, you know?
1201
00:51:30,378 --> 00:51:32,411
I mean, there's
no family obligations,
1202
00:51:32,413 --> 00:51:34,212
you can get out before
Valentine's Day.
1203
00:51:34,214 --> 00:51:37,848
I'm sorry, did you just say
you're seeing other people?
1204
00:51:37,850 --> 00:51:39,182
Yeah.
1205
00:51:39,184 --> 00:51:41,584
I mean, isn't that the whole
point of online dating?
1206
00:51:41,586 --> 00:51:43,018
No.
1207
00:51:43,020 --> 00:51:45,286
It's to find your soul mate!
1208
00:51:45,288 --> 00:51:47,154
(ECHOING)
1209
00:51:47,156 --> 00:51:52,092
I, uh, think maybe we should
only see other people.
1210
00:51:53,028 --> 00:51:54,927
Okay. Great talk.
1211
00:51:56,597 --> 00:51:57,662
Bye.
1212
00:51:59,265 --> 00:52:00,564
Just...
1213
00:52:00,566 --> 00:52:02,566
Um, Merry Christmas.
1214
00:52:05,971 --> 00:52:11,140
"'We're safe!' said Paul,
as they ran from the dragon."
1215
00:52:11,142 --> 00:52:12,441
Um, who's Paul?
1216
00:52:12,443 --> 00:52:13,875
(WOMAN CLEARS THROAT)
1217
00:52:13,877 --> 00:52:16,477
Sorry, "the Prince."
1218
00:52:16,479 --> 00:52:21,982
"Then, he leaned in to kiss
her, and finally said..."
1219
00:52:26,454 --> 00:52:28,120
Oh, that's rich.
1220
00:52:28,122 --> 00:52:29,421
How does the story end?
1221
00:52:29,423 --> 00:52:31,122
I'll tell you how it ends.
1222
00:52:31,124 --> 00:52:36,694
He kisses her, and she wakes
up and finally feels loved,
1223
00:52:36,696 --> 00:52:38,996
and understood, and wanted.
1224
00:52:38,998 --> 00:52:41,999
But then, her friend sees him
dining with the peach lady
1225
00:52:42,001 --> 00:52:44,134
and before she knows it,
she's kicked out
1226
00:52:44,136 --> 00:52:45,969
of the castle. (BOOK CLATTERS)
1227
00:52:45,971 --> 00:52:47,503
"The peach lady"?
1228
00:52:47,505 --> 00:52:49,304
You bet your sweet ass
"the peach lady."
1229
00:52:49,306 --> 00:52:54,108
And now, you know, she's
fixating on all her mistakes
1230
00:52:54,110 --> 00:52:57,511
and all the money
she spent on makeup
1231
00:52:57,513 --> 00:53:00,747
and blow-outs, and the heels!
1232
00:53:00,749 --> 00:53:03,116
The heels!
Walking around on these.
1233
00:53:03,118 --> 00:53:06,285
And I'm not supposed
to have any hair here.
1234
00:53:06,287 --> 00:53:08,954
No hair here,
but tons of it here.
1235
00:53:08,956 --> 00:53:11,056
I'm supposed to have
a ton, a ton of it here.
1236
00:53:11,058 --> 00:53:12,357
You think this is all real?
1237
00:53:12,359 --> 00:53:14,359
You think that it's all real?
No.
1238
00:53:14,361 --> 00:53:15,993
And Spanx!
1239
00:53:15,995 --> 00:53:18,829
Girls. Never wear Spanx.
1240
00:53:18,831 --> 00:53:20,330
Because the endgame
is to take them off, anyway
1241
00:53:20,332 --> 00:53:23,333
and then the prince is gonna
see all your dumplings
1242
00:53:23,335 --> 00:53:25,001
and there ain't
nothing less attractive
1243
00:53:25,003 --> 00:53:26,669
than trying to
squiggle your way
1244
00:53:26,671 --> 00:53:29,371
out of what's basically
sausage casing.
1245
00:53:29,373 --> 00:53:30,805
Look at these links!
1246
00:53:30,807 --> 00:53:32,206
You know what,
why don't we push pause
1247
00:53:32,208 --> 00:53:34,041
on story time for
just a second, huh?
1248
00:53:34,043 --> 00:53:35,575
GEORGE: Okay,
you know what? Sorry.
1249
00:53:35,577 --> 00:53:37,076
Are you kidding me?
GEORGE: Hey, hey. Okay.
1250
00:53:37,078 --> 00:53:39,011
These are kid scissors.
They don't work.
1251
00:53:39,013 --> 00:53:40,912
If your Spanx were made of
construction paper, they would.
1252
00:53:40,914 --> 00:53:44,148
And that's how the story ends.
(GRUNTING)
1253
00:53:44,150 --> 00:53:45,916
Parents, I'm gonna ask
you to sign something
1254
00:53:45,918 --> 00:53:47,417
before you leave,
if you don't mind.
1255
00:53:47,419 --> 00:53:48,751
Story time next week. (YELPS)
1256
00:53:48,753 --> 00:53:51,053
Same time, same place,
different reader.
1257
00:53:51,055 --> 00:53:53,989
Thank you. Okay, now.
Hey, you. Hey. How are you?
1258
00:53:53,991 --> 00:53:56,758
Look at me. Hi. Hello. Hi.
(PANTING)
1259
00:53:56,760 --> 00:53:58,192
Oh, that was terrible.
1260
00:53:58,194 --> 00:54:01,795
You scared all the kids,
terrified a lot of parents.
1261
00:54:01,797 --> 00:54:05,064
But it was also
kind of awesome.
1262
00:54:07,001 --> 00:54:08,666
I'm George.
1263
00:54:11,003 --> 00:54:12,135
Lucy.
1264
00:54:13,438 --> 00:54:14,703
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
1265
00:54:15,539 --> 00:54:17,005
Hey. Hi.
1266
00:54:17,007 --> 00:54:18,539
JOSH: Hey. Hey!
1267
00:54:18,541 --> 00:54:20,207
Hey! Oh, thank you.
1268
00:54:20,209 --> 00:54:21,408
For you. I'll take that.
1269
00:54:21,410 --> 00:54:23,009
Oh, no. That's Robin's.
1270
00:54:23,011 --> 00:54:26,112
Yeah. I like to keep
this on my own rack.
1271
00:54:26,114 --> 00:54:27,179
Sorry, we're late.
1272
00:54:27,181 --> 00:54:29,247
No, it's okay. I'm glad
you guys could come.
1273
00:54:29,249 --> 00:54:33,217
I know it's tough to be single
around this time of year, so...
1274
00:54:33,219 --> 00:54:37,420
Why do people always say that? The
holidays is he best time to be single.
1275
00:54:37,422 --> 00:54:39,822
Parties every night,
free-flowing booze.
1276
00:54:39,824 --> 00:54:42,491
Mmm-hmm. Santa's beard
tickling your inner thigh.
1277
00:54:42,493 --> 00:54:43,959
What? Night.
1278
00:54:43,961 --> 00:54:45,593
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, take your jacket...
1279
00:54:45,595 --> 00:54:47,161
Here, you want me
to get your...
1280
00:54:47,163 --> 00:54:48,428
Thanks for having us.
1281
00:54:48,430 --> 00:54:52,164
Yeah, sure. I know it's
been tough for you.
1282
00:54:52,166 --> 00:54:53,598
For me? Yeah.
1283
00:54:53,600 --> 00:54:55,333
No, I'm good.
1284
00:54:55,335 --> 00:54:58,969
It's really cool of your girlfriend
to be okay with me coming tonight.
1285
00:54:58,971 --> 00:55:01,204
Yeah. Yeah, I know,
she's really mature.
1286
00:55:01,206 --> 00:55:04,407
And, um, also, I told
her you're my cousin.
1287
00:55:04,409 --> 00:55:06,575
Hi, baby. Hey. Hi.
1288
00:55:06,577 --> 00:55:09,177
Oh, you must be Alice.
1289
00:55:09,179 --> 00:55:11,145
Hi! Hi.
1290
00:55:12,314 --> 00:55:13,579
(HORNS HONKING)
1291
00:55:13,581 --> 00:55:14,846
(TRAFFIC BUSTLING)
1292
00:55:17,383 --> 00:55:19,049
KEN: Oh, Meg! (GASPS)
1293
00:55:19,051 --> 00:55:20,183
Hi. Hey.
1294
00:55:20,185 --> 00:55:21,450
Hi, what are you doing here?
1295
00:55:21,452 --> 00:55:22,551
I brought you hot chocolate.
1296
00:55:22,553 --> 00:55:23,585
For what?
1297
00:55:23,587 --> 00:55:25,154
For drinking.
1298
00:55:25,156 --> 00:55:27,122
Oh, I have to be back
at work in eight minutes.
1299
00:55:27,124 --> 00:55:28,056
Perfect.
1300
00:55:28,058 --> 00:55:29,490
Oh, thank you. Sure.
1301
00:55:29,492 --> 00:55:31,692
That was nice. Hi.
1302
00:55:31,694 --> 00:55:33,060
It's good to see you.
You look good.
1303
00:55:33,062 --> 00:55:34,628
Oh, oh, there's
bourbon in there.
1304
00:55:34,630 --> 00:55:36,062
Also, was that
a real-life spit take?
1305
00:55:36,064 --> 00:55:38,097
Mmm. I've never seen
one in real life.
1306
00:55:38,099 --> 00:55:39,898
I just sort of thought
it would be like...
1307
00:55:41,234 --> 00:55:42,299
(SPITTING)
1308
00:55:42,301 --> 00:55:43,500
Wow. You know?
1309
00:55:43,502 --> 00:55:45,235
(GIGGLES) Yeah.
1310
00:55:45,237 --> 00:55:46,436
That was good, yeah.
1311
00:55:46,438 --> 00:55:47,904
I can't drink alcohol right now
1312
00:55:47,906 --> 00:55:50,706
because I'm
about to deliver a baby.
1313
00:55:50,708 --> 00:55:52,641
It's so cool you're a doctor.
1314
00:55:53,302 --> 00:55:54,542
It's so cool that you're...
1315
00:55:54,544 --> 00:55:56,143
A receptionist.
1316
00:55:56,145 --> 00:56:00,447
Oh, okay. So, what's the male
version of a receptionist?
1317
00:56:00,449 --> 00:56:02,248
Receptionist. Oh.
1318
00:56:02,250 --> 00:56:04,316
Oh, I just love the
thrill of it, you know?
1319
00:56:04,318 --> 00:56:06,751
Like, "Hello? Hold, please. "Hello?
I'll see if she's available."
1320
00:56:06,753 --> 00:56:08,619
But I'm thinking about
quitting. I don't know.
1321
00:56:08,621 --> 00:56:11,221
It's starting to feel like the
restaurant I worked at. (JINGLING)
1322
00:56:11,223 --> 00:56:16,159
Oh. Oh, shit. Christmas trees.
1323
00:56:16,161 --> 00:56:17,460
Come on, we'll get one.
1324
00:56:17,462 --> 00:56:20,095
Okay. I mean, I don't
get Christmas trees, but...
1325
00:56:20,097 --> 00:56:23,364
Oh, are you Jewish? No, I just
don't get Christmas trees.
1326
00:56:23,366 --> 00:56:24,965
Oh, so, you're a monster.
1327
00:56:24,967 --> 00:56:28,334
No, I'm just never home, and
I would definitely kill it.
1328
00:56:28,336 --> 00:56:29,668
No.
1329
00:56:29,670 --> 00:56:31,069
And then those needles
fall into the rug
1330
00:56:31,071 --> 00:56:33,471
and stab your feet
when you walk on them.
1331
00:56:33,473 --> 00:56:34,738
Okay.
1332
00:56:34,740 --> 00:56:37,140
All right.
Look at this guy, right?
1333
00:56:37,142 --> 00:56:39,108
That's the John McClane
of Christmas trees.
1334
00:56:39,110 --> 00:56:40,976
Like, you cannot kill this guy.
1335
00:56:40,978 --> 00:56:42,777
We load him up with
a bunch of water,
1336
00:56:42,779 --> 00:56:45,713
stuff one of those self-pouring
cat bottles on the side,
1337
00:56:45,715 --> 00:56:47,347
you're good to go for,
like, three weeks.
1338
00:56:47,349 --> 00:56:49,015
I'm telling you, you're gonna
be begging this guy to die.
1339
00:56:49,017 --> 00:56:50,616
Yeah. Then, in three weeks
1340
00:56:50,618 --> 00:56:52,584
we throw this guy
out on the street,
1341
00:56:52,586 --> 00:56:54,252
and get ready
for Valentine's Day.
1342
00:56:54,254 --> 00:56:55,853
"We" get ready
for Valentine's Day?
1343
00:56:55,855 --> 00:56:58,121
Yeah, hearts, candy, you name it.
Oh.
1344
00:56:58,123 --> 00:57:00,823
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's not...
1345
00:57:00,825 --> 00:57:03,392
Listen, in three
weeks from now,
1346
00:57:03,394 --> 00:57:06,895
I think the novelty of this
whole thing will have worn off
1347
00:57:06,897 --> 00:57:11,633
and I think, the reality will set in,
which is that I work all the time
1348
00:57:11,635 --> 00:57:13,301
and I probably would
never see you,
1349
00:57:13,303 --> 00:57:16,637
and I'd probably have to
cancel all of our dates.
1350
00:57:16,639 --> 00:57:19,239
And, when I did
finally see you,
1351
00:57:19,241 --> 00:57:21,574
I would probably just
fall asleep on your face.
1352
00:57:21,576 --> 00:57:23,042
Oh... Yeah, and then,
1353
00:57:23,044 --> 00:57:24,710
.you would go off,
and meet some girl at the gym.
1354
00:57:24,712 --> 00:57:27,646
Because you obviously have a lot
of time to spend at the gym
1355
00:57:27,648 --> 00:57:29,214
and so would she, and
1356
00:57:29,216 --> 00:57:30,848
I don't even know why we're
having this conversation.
1357
00:57:30,850 --> 00:57:32,649
I mean, you are
obviously not a real thing
1358
00:57:32,651 --> 00:57:35,785
and I feel like we're wasting
air even talking about it.
1359
00:57:35,787 --> 00:57:38,154
And I have hip problems,
real hip problems,
1360
00:57:38,156 --> 00:57:40,055
and not from doing fun things,
1361
00:57:40,057 --> 00:57:42,791
like having sex,
but from gravity.
1362
00:57:42,793 --> 00:57:44,492
And what we had was great.
1363
00:57:44,494 --> 00:57:48,562
Thank you for
helping me out with that.
1364
00:57:48,564 --> 00:57:49,863
That was fun.
1365
00:57:49,865 --> 00:57:52,799
But you will find
a girl your own age
1366
00:57:52,801 --> 00:57:54,133
and then you can do fun things
1367
00:57:54,135 --> 00:57:55,968
like look for trees
and whatever.
1368
00:57:55,970 --> 00:57:59,404
But that's not what's happening
here, between you and me, so...
1369
00:57:59,406 --> 00:58:00,571
Just so you know.
1370
00:58:00,573 --> 00:58:02,472
I have to get back to work now.
1371
00:58:02,474 --> 00:58:04,140
(MOUTHING)
1372
00:58:04,609 --> 00:58:05,874
My God.
1373
00:58:05,876 --> 00:58:07,842
Fine, we won't get
a Christmas tree!
1374
00:58:07,844 --> 00:58:09,043
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
1375
00:58:09,045 --> 00:58:12,846
JOSH: You okay? You happy?
I'm okay.
1376
00:58:15,083 --> 00:58:18,850
JOSH: You did good.
This is an incredible party.
1377
00:58:19,819 --> 00:58:21,285
Mmm. You're sweet.
1378
00:58:33,298 --> 00:58:34,563
Hey, Robin.
1379
00:58:34,565 --> 00:58:35,830
Yeah.
1380
00:58:36,299 --> 00:58:37,364
(MUMBLES)
1381
00:58:38,045 --> 00:58:39,765
MAN: Oh. Yes?
1382
00:58:39,767 --> 00:58:41,900
Do you want to go see
the Rockefeller tree?
1383
00:58:41,902 --> 00:58:43,368
Right now? Yeah.
1384
00:58:43,370 --> 00:58:46,437
No, Buzz-Cut and Dimples
are visiting from Italy,
1385
00:58:46,439 --> 00:58:48,972
and they want to know all about
American Christmas traditions
1386
00:58:48,974 --> 00:58:51,174
like us sitting on their faces.
1387
00:58:51,176 --> 00:58:53,643
No. No.
Come on, it's Christmas!
1388
00:58:53,645 --> 00:58:55,911
I'm not gonna do that tonight.
1389
00:58:55,913 --> 00:58:58,079
Why? Their dicks probably
look like cannolis.
1390
00:58:58,081 --> 00:59:01,114
No, it's okay.
I'll call you tomorrow.
1391
00:59:02,050 --> 00:59:04,383
(SLOW MUSIC CONTINUES)
1392
00:59:08,321 --> 00:59:11,388
It's plastic.
You can't kill it.
1393
00:59:11,390 --> 00:59:12,822
(LAUGHS)
1394
00:59:43,888 --> 00:59:45,187
DAVID: Hey.
1395
00:59:46,089 --> 00:59:47,154
Hey.
1396
00:59:48,023 --> 00:59:50,456
I feel like I know you.
1397
00:59:50,458 --> 00:59:52,391
God, I wish I had one of
your business cards,
1398
00:59:52,393 --> 00:59:53,892
so I could
remember who you are.
1399
00:59:53,894 --> 00:59:55,927
(LAUGHS)
1400
00:59:55,929 --> 00:59:58,195
Yeah, you're the, um,
fancy married guy,
1401
00:59:58,197 --> 01:00:00,297
with the kid and the buildings.
1402
01:00:00,299 --> 01:00:02,699
Uh, I'm not married.
1403
01:00:02,701 --> 01:00:04,467
Um, I do have a daughter.
1404
01:00:05,203 --> 01:00:06,135
Oh.
1405
01:00:06,137 --> 01:00:07,603
And I'm fancy. Yeah.
1406
01:00:07,605 --> 01:00:10,372
You're wearing a scarf on
the outside of your jacket.
1407
01:00:10,374 --> 01:00:12,507
Which...
That serves zero purpose.
1408
01:00:12,509 --> 01:00:14,229
(LAUGHS) (CHUCKLES)
1409
01:00:14,677 --> 01:00:15,942
Um...
1410
01:00:17,045 --> 01:00:19,412
Uh, this is super
random, but do you
1411
01:00:19,414 --> 01:00:22,614
want to go see
the Rockefeller tree with me?
1412
01:00:23,650 --> 01:00:25,282
No? That's a big "no."
1413
01:00:25,284 --> 01:00:26,850
No, no.
1414
01:00:26,852 --> 01:00:28,318
I know it's probably like so
crowded with so many tourists,
1415
01:00:28,320 --> 01:00:29,986
I don't know why
I even want to do that.
1416
01:00:29,988 --> 01:00:33,222
I just... I was just thinking,
I want to show you something.
1417
01:00:34,525 --> 01:00:35,624
Okay.
1418
01:00:37,961 --> 01:00:40,294
(WHISPERS) All right.
This door.
1419
01:00:41,730 --> 01:00:44,063
Aye.
1420
01:00:44,065 --> 01:00:45,397
You know what?
I am just realizing now
1421
01:00:45,399 --> 01:00:47,065
that I've gone with
a complete stranger,
1422
01:00:47,067 --> 01:00:51,368
to an abandoned location
covered in plastic.
1423
01:00:51,370 --> 01:00:54,704
So, if you're
gonna Dexter me...
1424
01:00:54,706 --> 01:00:56,472
You know what? Honestly?
1425
01:00:56,474 --> 01:00:58,507
Dying would not be the worst
thing in the world, right now.
1426
01:00:58,509 --> 01:01:00,475
What is happening?
All right. Close your eyes.
1427
01:01:00,477 --> 01:01:02,343
Okay. Here we go. Bye!
1428
01:01:02,345 --> 01:01:04,978
(CREAKING) (DAVID GRUNTING)
1429
01:01:04,980 --> 01:01:06,479
What is that sound?
Just one second.
1430
01:01:06,481 --> 01:01:08,981
The world's largest
shower curtain?
1431
01:01:08,983 --> 01:01:10,549
What is it? What's happening?
1432
01:01:10,551 --> 01:01:12,083
One sec. Uh...
1433
01:01:12,085 --> 01:01:13,484
Is that the body bag?
1434
01:01:13,486 --> 01:01:14,618
Is that duct tape?
1435
01:01:14,620 --> 01:01:17,520
Is it "duck" tape
or is it "duct" tape?
1436
01:01:18,055 --> 01:01:19,421
Um, open your eyes.
1437
01:01:25,628 --> 01:01:26,960
(LAUGHS)
1438
01:01:33,001 --> 01:01:34,700
Oh, my God.
1439
01:01:34,702 --> 01:01:36,001
(CHILDREN PLAYING)
1440
01:01:36,003 --> 01:01:38,069
This is amazing.
1441
01:01:43,442 --> 01:01:45,141
Thank you.
1442
01:01:45,143 --> 01:01:46,642
I've always wanted to see this.
1443
01:01:46,644 --> 01:01:47,976
Yeah.
1444
01:01:47,978 --> 01:01:49,477
I don't know why
I always talk myself out
1445
01:01:49,479 --> 01:01:51,312
of doing the things
that I really want to do.
1446
01:01:51,314 --> 01:01:52,579
Like what?
1447
01:01:52,581 --> 01:01:54,814
There's this thing that
people do on New Year's,
1448
01:01:54,816 --> 01:01:57,583
where they hike the Grand
Canyon in the dark, Hmm.
1449
01:01:57,585 --> 01:02:01,152
So that they can watch the New
Year come in with the dawn.
1450
01:02:01,154 --> 01:02:03,454
That sounds amazing.
1451
01:02:03,456 --> 01:02:05,022
I know. Yeah.
1452
01:02:05,024 --> 01:02:06,857
I'm just not a hiker.
1453
01:02:06,859 --> 01:02:10,727
I don't like that stuff that's on the
ground, that, like, gets on you.
1454
01:02:10,729 --> 01:02:12,495
The dirt? Yes.
1455
01:02:12,497 --> 01:02:14,196
(BOTH LAUGHING)
1456
01:02:14,198 --> 01:02:18,099
But, um, I don't know.
1457
01:02:18,101 --> 01:02:22,937
Maybe we can, um,
do something else this year.
1458
01:02:22,939 --> 01:02:24,738
"We"? Did I say "we"?
1459
01:02:36,784 --> 01:02:38,650
This one's name is Ping-Ping.
1460
01:02:38,652 --> 01:02:39,851
Ping-Ping?
1461
01:02:39,853 --> 01:02:40,952
It's nice to meet you.
1462
01:02:40,954 --> 01:02:42,386
ALICE: Who's this guy?
1463
01:02:42,388 --> 01:02:43,787
Lion.
1464
01:02:43,789 --> 01:02:46,890
Lion is very handsome and,
also, we seem to be matching.
1465
01:02:46,892 --> 01:02:48,191
Well, what about this guy?
1466
01:02:48,193 --> 01:02:49,959
Zebra-Zebra.
1467
01:02:49,961 --> 01:02:52,861
Hmm. I was told never to trust
a man with two first names.
1468
01:02:52,863 --> 01:02:54,629
(CHUCKLES) (PHONE RINGS)
1469
01:02:54,631 --> 01:02:56,931
What about, do you want to tell
me the names of these ones?
1470
01:02:56,933 --> 01:02:58,599
This is LA.
I'll be two seconds.
1471
01:02:58,601 --> 01:03:00,634
Okay, we're fine.
1472
01:03:00,636 --> 01:03:02,902
Do you know
the Eyes of You song?
1473
01:03:02,904 --> 01:03:04,303
The what song?
1474
01:03:04,305 --> 01:03:05,937
Eyes of You song.
1475
01:03:05,939 --> 01:03:07,805
No, I don't know what that is.
1476
01:03:07,807 --> 01:03:10,440
(SCATTING)
1477
01:03:12,677 --> 01:03:14,276
Oh, I know that song.
1478
01:03:14,278 --> 01:03:16,144
(BOTH SCATTING)
1479
01:03:19,582 --> 01:03:23,649
♪ I love you baby
And if it's quite all right ♪
1480
01:03:23,651 --> 01:03:25,183
What are you doing?
1481
01:03:25,185 --> 01:03:26,751
Well, we were working
on our pop star careers,
1482
01:03:26,753 --> 01:03:29,153
but her voice is
way better than mine.
1483
01:03:29,155 --> 01:03:30,521
(LAUGHS) Can I talk to you?
1484
01:03:30,523 --> 01:03:31,855
Yeah, yeah.
1485
01:03:38,963 --> 01:03:40,662
Uh, what are you doing?
1486
01:03:40,664 --> 01:03:41,896
What do you mean?
1487
01:03:41,898 --> 01:03:43,397
You're not her mom.
1488
01:03:43,399 --> 01:03:45,298
What are you... What are you...
1489
01:03:45,300 --> 01:03:46,732
What do you mean?
1490
01:03:48,502 --> 01:03:50,702
We were just singing, David.
1491
01:03:50,704 --> 01:03:53,871
Look, I'm sorry, but
when it comes to Phoebe,
1492
01:03:55,007 --> 01:03:57,941
I get very protective.
1493
01:03:57,943 --> 01:04:00,743
And, you can't just...
1494
01:04:02,847 --> 01:04:04,112
Look, I'm really sorry.
1495
01:04:04,114 --> 01:04:06,380
I didn't know that
that was a thing.
1496
01:04:06,382 --> 01:04:08,748
I'm not trying to, like...
1497
01:04:10,198 --> 01:04:12,518
I guess I didn't know
that that would upset you
1498
01:04:12,520 --> 01:04:14,920
because you don't
actually ever really
1499
01:04:14,922 --> 01:04:17,255
share anything with me.
1500
01:04:22,228 --> 01:04:23,760
(HORNS HONKING IN DISTANCE)
1501
01:04:34,338 --> 01:04:36,771
Do you know how I found out
your wife passed away?
1502
01:04:38,341 --> 01:04:39,940
From your doorman, David.
1503
01:04:39,942 --> 01:04:41,408
Yeah, well.
1504
01:04:41,410 --> 01:04:43,610
I just thought you were
divorced. I had no idea.
1505
01:04:43,612 --> 01:04:45,445
It's just been two years, okay?
1506
01:04:45,447 --> 01:04:47,513
Phoebe's not
ready for all that.
1507
01:04:47,515 --> 01:04:50,649
I have no idea what
it's like to be a parent.
1508
01:04:50,651 --> 01:04:53,852
But, I feel like you have to
open up to Phoebe about her mom.
1509
01:04:53,854 --> 01:04:55,253
Look, Alice.
1510
01:04:56,656 --> 01:04:57,821
I can't do this.
1511
01:04:58,990 --> 01:05:00,622
I'm sorry.
1512
01:05:10,900 --> 01:05:13,367
(MUSIC PLAYING)
1513
01:05:13,369 --> 01:05:15,535
(CHEERING) (BAGPIPES PLAYING)
1514
01:05:19,007 --> 01:05:21,774
(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
1515
01:05:57,577 --> 01:05:58,658
(INAUDIBLE)
1516
01:06:00,412 --> 01:06:02,712
(KEYS JANGLING SOFTLY)
1517
01:06:20,898 --> 01:06:24,032
(CRYING) I know I'm not supposed
to need you anymore, but...
1518
01:06:29,339 --> 01:06:30,671
I really do.
1519
01:06:31,707 --> 01:06:32,872
Come here.
1520
01:06:36,944 --> 01:06:41,845
I feel like I don't even
know who I am anymore.
1521
01:06:41,847 --> 01:06:43,379
It's okay.
1522
01:06:49,112 --> 01:06:52,353
I have to warn you, I have this
weird farting thing happening.
1523
01:06:52,355 --> 01:06:54,154
(CHUCKLES)
1524
01:06:54,156 --> 01:06:57,623
I don't know if it's me, or the baby
farting through me, or what, but...
1525
01:06:59,393 --> 01:07:01,359
Let me see. (SIGHS)
1526
01:07:03,496 --> 01:07:05,128
Hi, you stinky little baby.
1527
01:07:05,130 --> 01:07:08,397
(CHUCKLES)
1528
01:07:08,399 --> 01:07:12,367
(WHISPERS) You know you're not gonna
be able to hide this for much longer.
1529
01:07:13,069 --> 01:07:14,835
You need to tell him.
1530
01:07:14,837 --> 01:07:16,670
(SHUSHING)
1531
01:07:17,372 --> 01:07:18,738
(ALICE CHUCKLES)
1532
01:07:25,079 --> 01:07:27,012
I love you, monkey.
1533
01:07:27,014 --> 01:07:28,480
I love you.
1534
01:07:29,616 --> 01:07:31,482
(IRISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)
1535
01:07:37,655 --> 01:07:40,122
Hey, Happy Alcoholic's Day.
1536
01:07:40,124 --> 01:07:41,223
(CHUCKLES)
1537
01:07:41,225 --> 01:07:43,225
All right, let me guess.
1538
01:07:43,227 --> 01:07:45,560
You're one of those parade-hating
buzzkills that stays at home,
1539
01:07:45,562 --> 01:07:46,761
while the rest of us
are out here,
1540
01:07:46,763 --> 01:07:48,195
celebrating
Saint Patrick's Day.
1541
01:07:48,197 --> 01:07:50,230
No. You know what? I'm into it.
1542
01:07:50,232 --> 01:07:52,432
George is an eighth Irish.
1543
01:07:52,434 --> 01:07:54,200
Do you think he'll
like it? Look, I did...
1544
01:07:54,202 --> 01:07:55,568
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
1545
01:07:55,570 --> 01:07:56,835
Who's George?
1546
01:07:56,837 --> 01:07:58,503
Luce. Hey!
1547
01:07:58,505 --> 01:08:00,137
Oh, there he is!
1548
01:08:01,440 --> 01:08:04,073
That's George?
1549
01:08:04,075 --> 01:08:06,008
Happy Saint Patrick's Day!
1550
01:08:06,010 --> 01:08:07,142
Yes!
1551
01:08:07,144 --> 01:08:08,776
(LAUGHING)
1552
01:08:09,445 --> 01:08:10,710
BOTH: Mmm.
1553
01:08:15,016 --> 01:08:16,548
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
1554
01:08:16,550 --> 01:08:17,849
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
1555
01:08:46,612 --> 01:08:49,179
(ALL SHOUTING)
1556
01:09:18,242 --> 01:09:19,874
(CLEARS THROAT)
1557
01:09:22,511 --> 01:09:24,511
(MUSIC PLAYING STOPS) (LAUGHS)
1558
01:09:24,513 --> 01:09:27,013
Hi. Hi.
1559
01:09:27,015 --> 01:09:28,114
It's been forever.
1560
01:09:28,116 --> 01:09:29,276
Yeah.
1561
01:09:30,284 --> 01:09:31,783
Are you here with somebody?
1562
01:09:31,785 --> 01:09:34,652
Oh, no. I'm, I'm, I'm alone.
1563
01:09:34,654 --> 01:09:36,587
I just thought I'd
grab some pancakes,
1564
01:09:36,589 --> 01:09:38,822
'cause I love pancakes.
This was our place.
1565
01:09:38,824 --> 01:09:39,989
Okay.
1566
01:09:39,991 --> 01:09:41,690
What are you doing?
Who are you here with?
1567
01:09:41,692 --> 01:09:42,991
I'm here with my parents.
1568
01:09:42,993 --> 01:09:44,692
JOSH'S MOM: Oh, my God.
Here they are.
1569
01:09:44,694 --> 01:09:46,226
JOSH'S DAD: Look who it is.
JOSH'S MOM: Alice!
1570
01:09:46,228 --> 01:09:47,660
ALICE: Hi! How are you?
JOSH'S DAD: Oh, my God.
1571
01:09:47,662 --> 01:09:48,994
We're here to celebrate.
1572
01:09:48,996 --> 01:09:50,295
How are you?
It's so good to see you. Hi.
1573
01:09:50,297 --> 01:09:52,730
Josh got into business school.
1574
01:09:52,732 --> 01:09:53,897
What? JOSH: I did.
1575
01:09:53,899 --> 01:09:55,131
It just happened. It's crazy.
1576
01:09:55,133 --> 01:09:56,832
I didn't even know
you wanted to...
1577
01:09:56,834 --> 01:09:57,999
JOSH'S DAD: We were just
gonna take a picture.
1578
01:09:58,001 --> 01:09:59,467
Come on, get in here. Oh.
1579
01:09:59,469 --> 01:10:00,901
We're just gonna
take a picture.
1580
01:10:00,903 --> 01:10:02,202
JOSH'S DAD: Come on,
come on, get in here.
1581
01:10:02,204 --> 01:10:03,536
- Squeeze in.
JOSH: No, no, no!
1582
01:10:03,538 --> 01:10:04,637
Selfie time!
Selfie time. One, two...
1583
01:10:04,639 --> 01:10:05,804
No, I can take one of you guys.
1584
01:10:05,806 --> 01:10:06,838
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) Three!
1585
01:10:06,840 --> 01:10:09,140
You're better than her.
1586
01:10:09,142 --> 01:10:10,241
Wow. What?
1587
01:10:10,243 --> 01:10:11,642
JOSH'S MOM: What? Mom!
1588
01:10:11,644 --> 01:10:13,543
(JOSH'S MOM LAUGHING)
You need to go inside.
1589
01:10:13,545 --> 01:10:14,877
I know you've
said it a million times.
1590
01:10:14,879 --> 01:10:16,511
All right. There you go.
Take her inside,
1591
01:10:16,513 --> 01:10:17,912
and then take her home.
Great to see you again.
1592
01:10:17,914 --> 01:10:19,246
ALICE: Great to see you. Okay.
1593
01:10:19,248 --> 01:10:20,414
Bye, guys.
1594
01:10:20,416 --> 01:10:21,648
It's great to see you.
1595
01:10:21,650 --> 01:10:22,949
It's great to see you.
1596
01:10:22,951 --> 01:10:23,883
Yeah.
1597
01:10:23,885 --> 01:10:26,085
Okay. (CHUCKLES) Yeah.
1598
01:10:28,689 --> 01:10:30,388
Don't squash my pancakes, man.
1599
01:10:30,390 --> 01:10:31,622
Oh, sorry.
1600
01:10:31,624 --> 01:10:33,023
Do you want to...
Yeah, let's...
1601
01:10:33,025 --> 01:10:34,624
We should hang out soon.
I'll see you around.
1602
01:10:34,626 --> 01:10:36,546
Okay. Okay.
1603
01:10:36,894 --> 01:10:38,093
Bye.
1604
01:10:49,972 --> 01:10:51,137
(CHUCKLES)
1605
01:11:01,148 --> 01:11:03,281
(SPITTING)
(MAN TALKS INDISTINCTLY)
1606
01:11:05,051 --> 01:11:07,084
(HORN HONKING)
1607
01:11:11,390 --> 01:11:12,922
(KNOCKS)
1608
01:11:12,924 --> 01:11:14,323
(MOUTHING) What the fuck?
1609
01:11:20,497 --> 01:11:21,729
Are you pregnant?
1610
01:11:21,731 --> 01:11:22,996
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
1611
01:11:27,235 --> 01:11:28,300
What?
1612
01:11:28,769 --> 01:11:30,034
(STAMMERS)
1613
01:11:30,036 --> 01:11:31,802
I've been trying
to have a baby. Yes.
1614
01:11:31,804 --> 01:11:35,372
I... It's probably
not even going to stick.
1615
01:11:35,374 --> 01:11:37,006
Yeah, I think it stuck.
1616
01:11:37,008 --> 01:11:39,708
Okay, I don't know
what that tone was
1617
01:11:39,710 --> 01:11:42,410
but, if you haven't noticed,
1618
01:11:42,412 --> 01:11:44,178
my boobs have
gotten much bigger.
1619
01:11:44,180 --> 01:11:45,979
Yeah, of course I noticed
your boobs getting bigger.
1620
01:11:45,981 --> 01:11:47,814
I put that on
my vision board, okay?
1621
01:11:47,816 --> 01:11:49,248
I thought that was
because of me.
1622
01:11:49,250 --> 01:11:50,282
Who does that?
1623
01:11:50,284 --> 01:11:52,717
I do! People like me,
visionaries!
1624
01:11:52,719 --> 01:11:54,251
Didn't you notice
that I was getting fat?
1625
01:11:54,253 --> 01:11:57,087
That's a trick question.
You are not getting fat.
1626
01:11:57,089 --> 01:11:59,122
You are beautiful, you
have always been beautiful,
1627
01:11:59,124 --> 01:12:00,957
and you are
carrying this so well.
1628
01:12:00,959 --> 01:12:02,224
(EXHALES) You think?
1629
01:12:02,226 --> 01:12:04,459
Is this why you've been
avoiding me lately?
1630
01:12:04,461 --> 01:12:05,927
Oh, my God.
1631
01:12:05,929 --> 01:12:07,995
I think I'm gonna... (LAUGHS)
1632
01:12:08,964 --> 01:12:10,029
I'm gonna be a dad!
1633
01:12:10,031 --> 01:12:11,230
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
1634
01:12:11,232 --> 01:12:12,831
Sorry, we're gonna have a baby!
1635
01:12:12,833 --> 01:12:15,400
We're gonna be...
Not "dads." We're gonna...
1636
01:12:15,402 --> 01:12:17,168
(CHUCKLES)
1637
01:12:17,170 --> 01:12:18,536
No, it's not.
1638
01:12:18,538 --> 01:12:21,405
Like, you're not... It's not...
1639
01:12:21,407 --> 01:12:22,873
Is that not mine?
1640
01:12:22,875 --> 01:12:24,107
I'm just pregnant.
1641
01:12:24,109 --> 01:12:25,608
What do you mean,
you're "just pregnant"?
1642
01:12:25,610 --> 01:12:26,909
That's crazy.
How's that possible?
1643
01:12:26,911 --> 01:12:28,210
What?
I said, you're being crazy.
1644
01:12:28,212 --> 01:12:29,811
You've lied to me
the entire time
1645
01:12:29,813 --> 01:12:31,412
we've been together
about being pregnant
1646
01:12:31,414 --> 01:12:32,746
and now you're upset with
me because I believed it?
1647
01:12:32,748 --> 01:12:34,114
That's what a crazy
person does.
1648
01:12:34,116 --> 01:12:37,083
That's three times.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
1649
01:12:37,085 --> 01:12:38,217
Say it again.
1650
01:12:38,219 --> 01:12:40,052
I don't know. It just
seems crazy to me.
1651
01:12:40,054 --> 01:12:42,020
I just want to
tell you something.
1652
01:12:42,022 --> 01:12:44,889
Usually, it's a good idea
1653
01:12:44,891 --> 01:12:47,057
not to call
a pregnant woman crazy.
1654
01:12:47,059 --> 01:12:48,758
(LAUGHS) You know what I mean?
1655
01:12:48,760 --> 01:12:50,292
She's nuts, everybody.
1656
01:12:51,261 --> 01:12:54,028
So funny! (GRUNTS)
1657
01:12:54,030 --> 01:12:55,496
Oh, sh... Oh, my God!
1658
01:12:55,498 --> 01:12:56,563
Not funny!
1659
01:12:56,565 --> 01:12:58,031
Get it, girl.
1660
01:13:02,303 --> 01:13:04,002
Who is the father?
1661
01:13:04,004 --> 01:13:06,337
I don't know! I don't know.
1662
01:13:06,339 --> 01:13:07,371
How do you not know?
1663
01:13:07,373 --> 01:13:08,739
Stop yelling at me.
1664
01:13:08,741 --> 01:13:09,740
How could you not know
something like that?
1665
01:13:09,742 --> 01:13:11,007
Did you not catch his name?
1666
01:13:11,009 --> 01:13:12,808
I did I.V.F. with
a sperm donor.
1667
01:13:12,810 --> 01:13:14,009
Oh, my God. Okay?
1668
01:13:14,011 --> 01:13:15,543
Do you have
a problem with that?
1669
01:13:15,545 --> 01:13:17,077
I don't have a problem
with that. It's your body.
1670
01:13:17,079 --> 01:13:18,378
Do whatever you
want with your body.
1671
01:13:18,380 --> 01:13:20,079
Cover it in tattoos.
I don't care.
1672
01:13:20,081 --> 01:13:21,547
I think I deserve to know
when there's someone
1673
01:13:21,549 --> 01:13:23,048
living inside the person
I'm having sex with.
1674
01:13:23,050 --> 01:13:24,916
Don't say that. That's gross!
1675
01:13:24,918 --> 01:13:27,218
There is nothing gross
about that. It is beautiful!
1676
01:13:27,220 --> 01:13:29,520
It's not your problem.
Not genetically, okay?
1677
01:13:29,522 --> 01:13:32,189
But my girlfriend
is having a baby.
1678
01:13:32,191 --> 01:13:34,925
Babe, if we're gonna
make this thing work, like,
1679
01:13:34,927 --> 01:13:36,660
this is the kind of
thing I need to know.
1680
01:13:36,662 --> 01:13:39,582
What are you gonna do? Stay
home and take care of a baby?
1681
01:13:40,064 --> 01:13:42,030
Did I just win the lottery?
1682
01:13:42,032 --> 01:13:43,931
Yes, I want to stay home
and take care of a baby.
1683
01:13:43,933 --> 01:13:47,401
When I was eight years old, my Halloween
costume was a stay-at-home dad.
1684
01:13:47,403 --> 01:13:49,102
You're saying I never
have to go to work again.
1685
01:13:49,104 --> 01:13:50,803
I get to hang out
with a baby all day?
1686
01:13:50,805 --> 01:13:52,437
Just stop saying
the word "baby."
1687
01:13:52,439 --> 01:13:54,839
Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby!
Because babies are awesome!
1688
01:13:55,407 --> 01:13:57,607
Okay, listen.
1689
01:13:57,609 --> 01:14:02,745
You and I, we probably would
have a lot of fun together
1690
01:14:02,747 --> 01:14:06,115
and then, one day, we would be
on this road trip together.
1691
01:14:06,117 --> 01:14:08,550
And I would be driving,
and then I'd get tired
1692
01:14:08,552 --> 01:14:10,084
and I would hate to do it,
1693
01:14:10,086 --> 01:14:13,253
but I would agree
to let you drive.
1694
01:14:13,255 --> 01:14:15,221
And then,
I would feel very safe,
1695
01:14:15,223 --> 01:14:17,423
and that's when we would crash.
1696
01:14:17,425 --> 01:14:20,892
You think you can control
everything, but you can't.
1697
01:14:21,628 --> 01:14:23,661
That's not how this works.
1698
01:14:23,663 --> 01:14:27,530
If I could choose someone to
do this with, it would be you.
1699
01:14:27,532 --> 01:14:29,031
You can choose!
1700
01:14:29,033 --> 01:14:32,867
I just... I'm not the only
one in the car, anymore.
1701
01:14:32,869 --> 01:14:34,267
(SIGHS)
1702
01:14:36,671 --> 01:14:38,270
Yeah.
1703
01:14:40,007 --> 01:14:43,641
Well, for the record,
this is not me leaving.
1704
01:14:43,643 --> 01:14:45,943
This is you pushing me away.
1705
01:14:59,491 --> 01:15:00,556
(SIGHS)
1706
01:15:06,630 --> 01:15:09,163
(SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE)
1707
01:15:32,021 --> 01:15:34,021
Daddy? Yeah, babe?
1708
01:15:34,023 --> 01:15:36,456
I want the Eyes of You song.
1709
01:15:36,458 --> 01:15:38,224
Sing it to me.
1710
01:15:39,694 --> 01:15:42,594
Not tonight, sweetheart. Okay?
1711
01:15:45,632 --> 01:15:46,897
Get some sleep.
1712
01:16:01,512 --> 01:16:02,677
(PHONE DINGS)
1713
01:16:02,679 --> 01:16:05,279
(PEOPLE LAUGHING
AND TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
1714
01:16:11,086 --> 01:16:12,351
(PHONE DINGS)
1715
01:16:15,089 --> 01:16:16,488
(PHONE DINGS)
1716
01:16:19,860 --> 01:16:22,427
ALICE: It's just, Josh and I
could be married by now
1717
01:16:22,429 --> 01:16:24,629
and we would have, like, the
cutest little baby daughter
1718
01:16:24,631 --> 01:16:28,532
and she would probably
be named after a fruit.
1719
01:16:28,534 --> 01:16:31,468
What kind of name is
"George," anyway? Right?
1720
01:16:31,470 --> 01:16:33,102
I hate his hair.
1721
01:16:33,104 --> 01:16:36,071
Actually, technically, we would
have a four-year-old daughter,
1722
01:16:36,073 --> 01:16:38,506
in which case,
her name would be Rihanna.
1723
01:16:38,508 --> 01:16:41,075
What? We haven't known
each other four years.
1724
01:16:41,077 --> 01:16:42,676
No, not you. Josh.
1725
01:16:42,678 --> 01:16:44,210
Oh, right, yeah.
1726
01:16:44,212 --> 01:16:46,312
But, exactly. It's the same
thing with me and Lucy.
1727
01:16:46,314 --> 01:16:50,849
It's like, if I go to work, and she's
not there, I'm like mad or something.
1728
01:16:50,851 --> 01:16:54,886
Yeah. Which is nuts, because she's
not completely disgusted by you.
1729
01:16:54,888 --> 01:16:57,588
I don't get it. I don't know where
I'm gonna find another one like her.
1730
01:16:57,590 --> 01:17:00,123
Yeah. I don't know, man.
1731
01:17:00,125 --> 01:17:03,526
Maybe we've just made
all the wrong moves.
1732
01:17:03,528 --> 01:17:06,829
Maybe, this whole time, we've been
focusing on all the wrong stuff
1733
01:17:06,831 --> 01:17:09,565
and now it's just too late.
1734
01:17:09,567 --> 01:17:12,200
To the wrong stuff.
1735
01:17:12,202 --> 01:17:14,668
This is it.
We can't pass "eleven."
1736
01:17:16,104 --> 01:17:17,536
What are you talking about?
1737
01:17:18,472 --> 01:17:20,138
Our drink number.
1738
01:17:20,140 --> 01:17:22,540
In every male and female friendship,
there's a number of drinks,
1739
01:17:22,542 --> 01:17:26,743
and if you pass it, you have
to have sex, mathematically.
1740
01:17:26,745 --> 01:17:28,544
Whatever, dude. (CHUCKLES)
1741
01:17:29,179 --> 01:17:30,645
(BOTTLE CLATTERING)
1742
01:17:31,547 --> 01:17:33,547
Oi. Sorry. Loud noise.
1743
01:17:33,549 --> 01:17:35,749
Wha... Where did
that come from?
1744
01:17:35,751 --> 01:17:38,118
Uh, the floor.
1745
01:17:39,221 --> 01:17:43,055
One, two, three. That's three.
1746
01:17:44,258 --> 01:17:47,592
Four, five, six.
1747
01:17:48,761 --> 01:17:50,160
Seven.
1748
01:17:53,198 --> 01:17:55,264
Eight, nine.
1749
01:17:56,967 --> 01:17:58,665
(BOTTLE CAP CLANKING)
1750
01:18:01,002 --> 01:18:04,169
It's just ten. It's just ten.
1751
01:18:04,638 --> 01:18:06,104
(EXHALES)
1752
01:18:07,874 --> 01:18:09,707
Eleven. Did you drink this?
1753
01:18:09,709 --> 01:18:10,741
No.
1754
01:18:10,743 --> 01:18:11,942
Oh, thank God.
1755
01:18:11,944 --> 01:18:13,310
You did.
1756
01:18:13,312 --> 01:18:15,478
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
1757
01:18:25,856 --> 01:18:27,856
This may be a mistake.
1758
01:18:27,858 --> 01:18:29,691
It's just such a bad idea.
1759
01:18:29,693 --> 01:18:32,326
Yeah, I'm sorry. I was trying to
bone the Lucy out of my system.
1760
01:18:32,328 --> 01:18:34,528
Yeah, see, normally, I feel
like I'd be mad at that.
1761
01:18:34,530 --> 01:18:36,563
But I just did the
exact same thing to you.
1762
01:18:36,565 --> 01:18:37,430
Right, yeah.
1763
01:18:37,432 --> 01:18:40,132
Shit. I think I like her.
1764
01:18:41,034 --> 01:18:44,602
Like, when we're together,
1765
01:18:44,604 --> 01:18:48,571
I feel like me, but, like,
a better me.
1766
01:18:51,275 --> 01:18:54,709
See, that's the magic.
That's what I got to find.
1767
01:18:54,711 --> 01:18:55,776
Yeah.
1768
01:19:00,682 --> 01:19:02,682
I can let myself out.
1769
01:19:03,518 --> 01:19:04,884
(CLEARS THROAT)
1770
01:19:04,886 --> 01:19:06,485
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
1771
01:19:06,487 --> 01:19:07,953
(CHUCKLES)
1772
01:19:07,955 --> 01:19:09,220
(CLICKS TONGUE)
1773
01:19:18,563 --> 01:19:19,628
(EXHALES)
1774
01:19:32,976 --> 01:19:35,276
(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
1775
01:19:35,278 --> 01:19:37,144
ALL: Cheers! (LAUGHING)
1776
01:19:44,352 --> 01:19:46,352
Whoa! (LAUGHING)
1777
01:19:46,354 --> 01:19:49,954
Alice! Happy Birthday!
1778
01:19:49,956 --> 01:19:51,255
Hi!
1779
01:19:51,257 --> 01:19:52,956
Thank you. What is that?
Give me that.
1780
01:19:52,958 --> 01:19:54,490
Um, this is actually for Meg.
1781
01:19:54,492 --> 01:19:56,325
I had it made for her,
specially.
1782
01:19:57,328 --> 01:19:58,593
ALICE: Aw...
1783
01:19:58,595 --> 01:20:03,397
That is so sweet.
Look how cozy. Oh.
1784
01:20:03,399 --> 01:20:05,899
Maybe I'll give it to her.
Just, later on.
1785
01:20:05,901 --> 01:20:07,033
Hey!
1786
01:20:07,035 --> 01:20:08,401
ALICE: No Tom, no Josh,
1787
01:20:08,403 --> 01:20:09,835
I'm just gonna have
a really good time
1788
01:20:09,837 --> 01:20:12,971
and I'm not gonna think
about any boys at all.
1789
01:20:12,973 --> 01:20:14,906
Here's to no drama.
1790
01:20:14,908 --> 01:20:17,508
No drama. Whoo!
1791
01:20:17,510 --> 01:20:18,842
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
1792
01:20:18,844 --> 01:20:20,176
(ALL CHEERING)
1793
01:20:24,849 --> 01:20:26,815
Happy Birthday!
1794
01:20:26,817 --> 01:20:27,817
(LAUGHS)
1795
01:20:30,920 --> 01:20:32,619
(ALL CHEERING)
1796
01:20:35,957 --> 01:20:37,389
Whoo!
1797
01:20:45,464 --> 01:20:46,796
TOM: Thanks, buddy.
1798
01:20:47,565 --> 01:20:48,664
(GASPS)
1799
01:20:49,366 --> 01:20:50,864
I'll show you. This way.
1800
01:20:53,368 --> 01:20:54,734
Oh, my God.
1801
01:20:54,736 --> 01:20:55,801
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
1802
01:20:57,070 --> 01:20:58,335
Dude, Ricky Stimpkins!
1803
01:20:58,337 --> 01:20:59,736
Josh! What's up, man?
1804
01:20:59,738 --> 01:21:01,137
Wow, I haven't seen you
since college, man!
1805
01:21:01,139 --> 01:21:02,838
I'm just hanging.
1806
01:21:02,840 --> 01:21:05,006
I got to go get a drink,
but I'll catch you later.
1807
01:21:05,008 --> 01:21:06,073
Okay, cool. Yeah, man.
1808
01:21:06,075 --> 01:21:07,707
I'm gonna find Alice.
1809
01:21:08,776 --> 01:21:10,375
Tall person.
1810
01:21:10,377 --> 01:21:12,410
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
1811
01:21:13,819 --> 01:21:15,779
TOM: We got a whole
"No hats" thing
1812
01:21:15,781 --> 01:21:20,416
but, uh, you seem like
a good guy, and, you know...
1813
01:21:20,418 --> 01:21:22,117
Hey. What's up, guys?
1814
01:21:22,119 --> 01:21:23,960
Hey. Hey. Josh.
1815
01:21:24,579 --> 01:21:25,619
You're Josh?
1816
01:21:25,621 --> 01:21:26,786
What's that supposed to mean?
1817
01:21:26,788 --> 01:21:29,922
No, nothing. Makes total sense.
1818
01:21:29,924 --> 01:21:31,189
Wait, how do you know Alice?
1819
01:21:31,191 --> 01:21:32,790
How do you guys know Alice?
1820
01:21:32,792 --> 01:21:34,191
Oh, fuck me.
1821
01:21:34,193 --> 01:21:35,825
This is Josh.
1822
01:21:35,827 --> 01:21:36,892
Makes sense.
1823
01:21:36,894 --> 01:21:39,394
What? Are you guys
new friends, or...
1824
01:21:39,396 --> 01:21:41,328
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
1825
01:21:43,699 --> 01:21:45,131
Oh, my God.
1826
01:21:45,133 --> 01:21:46,499
Come here.
1827
01:21:46,501 --> 01:21:49,902
Um, Tom is here,
and David, and Josh.
1828
01:21:49,904 --> 01:21:51,570
And David. Did I say David?
1829
01:21:51,572 --> 01:21:53,438
Yeah, I know,
because I invited them.
1830
01:21:53,440 --> 01:21:54,605
You're welcome.
1831
01:21:54,607 --> 01:21:56,006
Why? Why would you do that?
1832
01:21:56,008 --> 01:21:58,842
Because I thought it
would be funny. For me.
1833
01:21:58,844 --> 01:22:03,746
And good for you, emotionally,
to have guys fighting over you.
1834
01:22:07,415 --> 01:22:09,216
Hey. Hey.
1835
01:22:09,218 --> 01:22:10,817
What's going on? How are you?
1836
01:22:10,819 --> 01:22:14,187
Pretty good. Uh, I need to
talk to you about something.
1837
01:22:14,189 --> 01:22:15,221
Great. Me, too.
1838
01:22:15,223 --> 01:22:16,455
You go first.
1839
01:22:16,457 --> 01:22:17,689
I'm getting married.
1840
01:22:17,691 --> 01:22:18,556
What?
1841
01:22:18,558 --> 01:22:20,357
(LAUGHS) That's, uh...
1842
01:22:21,760 --> 01:22:26,695
Look, your computer
programs are total bullshit.
1843
01:22:26,697 --> 01:22:29,297
Your algorithms? Also,
total bullshit, all right?
1844
01:22:29,299 --> 01:22:32,566
Just because the music stops, doesn't
mean you got to sit in the closest chair.
1845
01:22:32,568 --> 01:22:34,968
You shouldn't be with George.
1846
01:22:34,970 --> 01:22:36,302
You should be with me.
1847
01:22:37,705 --> 01:22:39,705
Yes. I want to be with you.
1848
01:22:39,707 --> 01:22:40,772
What?
1849
01:22:40,774 --> 01:22:42,807
God, all those
bad dates at the bar,
1850
01:22:42,809 --> 01:22:45,409
there was something
that was always there.
1851
01:22:45,778 --> 01:22:46,877
You.
1852
01:22:48,981 --> 01:22:50,213
It was always me.
1853
01:22:50,215 --> 01:22:51,948
Yes. Oh, my God. Right?
1854
01:22:51,950 --> 01:22:53,616
We could have
the best life together.
1855
01:22:53,618 --> 01:22:55,317
And, I mean, we're gonna
want to get married soon
1856
01:22:55,319 --> 01:22:57,919
because we'll probably want
to start a family right away.
1857
01:22:57,921 --> 01:22:58,786
Oh, my God. Our kids.
1858
01:22:58,788 --> 01:23:01,655
Our kids are gonna be so cute.
1859
01:23:01,657 --> 01:23:02,856
Exactly.
1860
01:23:02,858 --> 01:23:06,592
Which is why we should just
kind of pump the brakes
1861
01:23:06,594 --> 01:23:07,960
and not rush things, you know?
1862
01:23:07,962 --> 01:23:11,796
Let's... Let's take care
of us right now.
1863
01:23:11,798 --> 01:23:13,097
Oh, my God, Tom.
1864
01:23:13,099 --> 01:23:15,032
I'm totally messing with you.
1865
01:23:15,034 --> 01:23:17,000
Thank you. Oh, my God.
1866
01:23:17,002 --> 01:23:18,534
I don't want to be with you.
1867
01:23:18,536 --> 01:23:20,269
And you don't want to
be with me, either.
1868
01:23:20,271 --> 01:23:22,604
Wait. Babe!
1869
01:23:22,606 --> 01:23:24,005
Oh, my God. I saw everything.
1870
01:23:24,007 --> 01:23:26,140
I thought you were
gonna hyperventilate, man.
1871
01:23:26,142 --> 01:23:27,875
But I didn't!
1872
01:23:27,877 --> 01:23:29,243
Oh, Tom.
1873
01:23:29,245 --> 01:23:30,677
Come on. Don't be sad.
1874
01:23:30,679 --> 01:23:32,078
You know what this is?
1875
01:23:32,080 --> 01:23:34,947
This is the first,
tiny green sprout of life
1876
01:23:34,949 --> 01:23:38,283
fighting its way out of the
gravel parking lot of your heart.
1877
01:23:38,285 --> 01:23:40,285
So, congrats.
1878
01:23:40,287 --> 01:23:42,754
(SCOFFS) That was beautiful.
1879
01:23:42,756 --> 01:23:43,755
Thank you, hon.
1880
01:23:43,757 --> 01:23:45,289
GEORGE: Oh, hang on,
one second.
1881
01:23:45,291 --> 01:23:47,524
Hey, quick, man,
just one last thing.
1882
01:23:47,526 --> 01:23:50,126
Stay the fuck away
from my girl, okay, man?
1883
01:23:50,128 --> 01:23:52,294
Or I will straight-up end you.
1884
01:23:52,296 --> 01:23:53,561
Okay. All right. Okay?
1885
01:23:53,563 --> 01:23:54,795
So, just back off. You got it?
1886
01:23:54,797 --> 01:23:56,596
Yeah.
Because I put a ring on that
1887
01:23:56,598 --> 01:23:58,699
and you're coming at it
pretty hard with your dick.
1888
01:23:58,701 --> 01:24:01,234
Okay.
I'm fucking with you, man.
1889
01:24:01,236 --> 01:24:02,335
Cool, okay. No, of course.
1890
01:24:02,337 --> 01:24:04,403
Lucy loves you, I love you.
1891
01:24:04,405 --> 01:24:05,937
We're brothers, now, all right?
1892
01:24:05,939 --> 01:24:09,273
And, as such,
I would like to...
1893
01:24:09,275 --> 01:24:11,008
This is a big one...
1894
01:24:11,010 --> 01:24:13,176
(SIGHS) Ask you
to be my best man.
1895
01:24:15,038 --> 01:24:16,278
(STUTTERS) Yeah, you got it.
1896
01:24:16,280 --> 01:24:17,679
I'm fucking with you, bro!
1897
01:24:17,681 --> 01:24:19,414
Of course, you can't
be my best man.
1898
01:24:19,416 --> 01:24:21,048
You are a stranger to me.
1899
01:24:21,050 --> 01:24:22,315
Okay? Yeah.
1900
01:24:22,317 --> 01:24:24,650
Just to recap, stay the
fuck away from my girl.
1901
01:24:24,652 --> 01:24:26,118
I don't want you
to be my best man.
1902
01:24:26,120 --> 01:24:28,086
We still love you,
you're family.
1903
01:24:28,088 --> 01:24:29,887
You'll definitely be
invited to the wedding.
1904
01:24:29,889 --> 01:24:31,021
Okay.
1905
01:24:31,023 --> 01:24:32,922
But, probably not.
So, don't be offended.
1906
01:24:32,924 --> 01:24:34,690
I'm glad we had this talk, man.
1907
01:24:36,460 --> 01:24:38,593
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
ALL: Whoo!
1908
01:24:41,064 --> 01:24:42,129
Whoo!
1909
01:24:44,333 --> 01:24:45,598
DAVID: Uh...
1910
01:24:46,467 --> 01:24:48,467
You trying to hide from me?
1911
01:24:48,469 --> 01:24:50,936
Are you hiding from me? Hi.
Huh? Hi.
1912
01:24:50,938 --> 01:24:53,338
I didn't see you,
right over there.
1913
01:24:53,340 --> 01:24:54,605
It's a good hiding spot.
1914
01:24:55,274 --> 01:24:57,440
Uh, listen.
1915
01:24:57,442 --> 01:24:58,874
I've been thinking
about you a lot.
1916
01:24:58,876 --> 01:25:01,009
Look, David, I'm sorry, I...
1917
01:25:01,011 --> 01:25:02,443
I can't do this.
1918
01:25:02,445 --> 01:25:05,446
You made it so clear to me,
that you didn't want to, so...
1919
01:25:05,448 --> 01:25:06,980
That's not why
I came here at all.
1920
01:25:06,982 --> 01:25:10,249
I just came here
to apologize to you
1921
01:25:10,251 --> 01:25:12,050
for being such an asshole.
1922
01:25:12,052 --> 01:25:13,151
Oh.
1923
01:25:13,153 --> 01:25:14,318
Yeah.
1924
01:25:14,320 --> 01:25:16,119
(BOTH CHUCKLE AWKWARDLY)
1925
01:25:16,121 --> 01:25:17,653
Well, you were right
about Phoebe.
1926
01:25:17,655 --> 01:25:19,454
Oh, good. Did you talk to her?
1927
01:25:19,456 --> 01:25:22,323
Well, um, you know,
I'm working on it.
1928
01:25:22,325 --> 01:25:25,392
But, uh, are you okay?
1929
01:25:25,394 --> 01:25:26,926
(CHORTLES)
1930
01:25:29,163 --> 01:25:30,595
I'm working on it.
1931
01:25:35,434 --> 01:25:36,966
Happy Birthday.
1932
01:25:44,475 --> 01:25:46,308
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
1933
01:25:51,481 --> 01:25:53,581
See? I told you
this would be fun.
1934
01:25:53,583 --> 01:25:56,016
Although, I thought one of them
was, like, gonna punch each other
1935
01:25:56,018 --> 01:25:57,584
and that hasn't happened yet.
1936
01:25:57,586 --> 01:26:00,153
Robin, this isn't a joke.
This is my life.
1937
01:26:00,155 --> 01:26:02,755
But you know what? I guess you
wouldn't actually understand that,
1938
01:26:02,757 --> 01:26:04,723
because you've
never really cared
1939
01:26:04,725 --> 01:26:06,157
about anybody enough
to ever get hurt.
1940
01:26:06,159 --> 01:26:08,759
So, this type of thing
doesn't affect you.
1941
01:26:08,761 --> 01:26:11,294
Okay. I'm sorry I invited them,
1942
01:26:11,296 --> 01:26:12,495
but who gives a shit about me?
1943
01:26:12,497 --> 01:26:14,129
I do, because you're my friend!
1944
01:26:14,131 --> 01:26:16,798
Am I? Because
as far as I can tell,
1945
01:26:16,800 --> 01:26:19,100
you only ever want to hang out
with me when you get dumped
1946
01:26:19,102 --> 01:26:20,868
and you need someone
to cheer you up.
1947
01:26:20,870 --> 01:26:22,202
Well, you only ever
hang out with me
1948
01:26:22,204 --> 01:26:24,404
when you need me
to be your little sidekick.
1949
01:26:24,406 --> 01:26:28,174
The reason why I don't hang around with
you when you're in a relationship,
1950
01:26:28,176 --> 01:26:33,245
is because you just turn into this
lame-ass shell of a human being.
1951
01:26:33,247 --> 01:26:34,512
Nice.
1952
01:26:34,514 --> 01:26:35,446
Yeah, do you want
some real advice?
1953
01:26:35,448 --> 01:26:36,680
Yeah, what?
1954
01:26:36,682 --> 01:26:38,882
You're not gonna
find the right guy
1955
01:26:38,884 --> 01:26:41,351
by bumming free drinks
and slutting it up.
1956
01:26:41,353 --> 01:26:42,952
Where is this coming from?
1957
01:26:42,954 --> 01:26:44,920
This whole time, you've
been the one that's like,
1958
01:26:44,922 --> 01:26:47,856
"Oh, yeah, parties
and dicks and shots.
1959
01:26:47,858 --> 01:26:50,124
"Let's put shots
all over our bodies."
1960
01:26:50,126 --> 01:26:51,725
"More sparkles, bitch!"
1961
01:26:51,727 --> 01:26:53,927
It's about me
being sick of you just
1962
01:26:53,929 --> 01:26:56,262
meeting guys and
falling into their dick-sand.
1963
01:26:56,264 --> 01:26:57,396
Falling into their what?
1964
01:26:57,398 --> 01:26:59,197
Their dick-sand.
1965
01:26:59,199 --> 01:27:01,866
It's like, every time
a guy just looks at you,
1966
01:27:01,868 --> 01:27:03,801
you just forget
who you are, and,
1967
01:27:03,803 --> 01:27:06,203
like... (MOCKINGLY) "Oh!"
1968
01:27:06,205 --> 01:27:08,805
You get sucked
into their world.
1969
01:27:08,807 --> 01:27:10,640
At least when I do
decide I want a boyfriend,
1970
01:27:10,642 --> 01:27:13,209
I'm gonna find someone who
likes me for who I really am,
1971
01:27:13,211 --> 01:27:16,612
because I know
who the fuck that is.
1972
01:27:28,524 --> 01:27:30,023
(EXHALES)
1973
01:28:00,221 --> 01:28:01,486
Hey.
1974
01:28:01,488 --> 01:28:02,887
Oh, my God.
1975
01:28:03,456 --> 01:28:05,155
Happy Birthday.
1976
01:28:05,157 --> 01:28:06,489
(SCOFFS)
1977
01:28:06,491 --> 01:28:08,724
It's your birthday!
1978
01:28:09,827 --> 01:28:11,893
And I drank some of your gift.
1979
01:28:20,602 --> 01:28:22,101
You okay?
1980
01:28:26,640 --> 01:28:28,439
No. No.
1981
01:28:35,314 --> 01:28:37,914
God, you look pretty
when you're pissed.
1982
01:28:46,123 --> 01:28:48,256
I missed these. (CHUCKLES)
1983
01:28:51,153 --> 01:28:53,394
What are we doing?
We're about to have sex.
1984
01:28:53,396 --> 01:28:54,477
What?
1985
01:28:55,022 --> 01:28:57,062
God. What?
1986
01:28:57,064 --> 01:29:00,398
So, ever since I saw you,
I feel like we fucked up.
1987
01:29:00,400 --> 01:29:01,899
I shouldn't have let you go.
1988
01:29:03,435 --> 01:29:06,469
Because Michelle
and I are still together,
1989
01:29:06,471 --> 01:29:08,204
and we're actually engaged
1990
01:29:08,206 --> 01:29:10,339
and I feel like we're fucking up.
What? What?
1991
01:29:10,341 --> 01:29:14,142
We're getting married, but I don't
know if I want to do it yet.
1992
01:29:14,144 --> 01:29:15,176
Oh, my God.
1993
01:29:15,178 --> 01:29:17,878
Wait! I'm just telling...
Oh, my God.
1994
01:29:17,880 --> 01:29:19,379
Oh, my God.
Come here, come here.
1995
01:29:19,381 --> 01:29:21,447
You just let me make out
with somebody else's fiance.
1996
01:29:21,449 --> 01:29:24,082
No, it's not cheating, since
we've already been together.
1997
01:29:24,084 --> 01:29:25,950
What are you doing?
Wait, just...
1998
01:29:25,952 --> 01:29:27,484
You told me you missed me!
1999
01:29:27,486 --> 01:29:29,752
I... That's the whole point,
I miss you all the time.
2000
01:29:29,754 --> 01:29:35,423
I saw you and you were so beautiful,
and you are so beautiful.
2001
01:29:35,425 --> 01:29:37,224
And I just need closure.
2002
01:29:37,226 --> 01:29:38,592
I think we need...
Is that what this...
2003
01:29:38,594 --> 01:29:40,226
This is closure for you? Yeah.
2004
01:29:40,228 --> 01:29:42,194
Just one last screw
for old times' sake,
2005
01:29:42,196 --> 01:29:45,030
before you go and settle
down with somebody else?
2006
01:29:45,032 --> 01:29:46,431
(SIGHS) That's not...
2007
01:29:47,567 --> 01:29:50,301
I'm sorry, all right?
2008
01:29:50,303 --> 01:29:51,535
Uh, Alice.
2009
01:29:51,537 --> 01:29:52,669
No, you know, what?
2010
01:29:52,671 --> 01:29:55,271
I'm sorry. This is my fault.
2011
01:29:55,273 --> 01:29:58,073
I spent so much time
wanting you back
2012
01:29:58,075 --> 01:30:00,408
that, when I thought
that you wanted me back,
2013
01:30:00,410 --> 01:30:03,978
it's like I lost
my mind for a second.
2014
01:30:03,980 --> 01:30:05,913
Oh, my God. This is it!
This is the dick-sand.
2015
01:30:05,915 --> 01:30:07,681
I'm falling into your
dick-sand right now.
2016
01:30:07,683 --> 01:30:08,948
What?
2017
01:30:08,950 --> 01:30:09,982
It's like quicksand,
but with dicks.
2018
01:30:09,984 --> 01:30:11,416
I don't have dick-sand.
2019
01:30:11,418 --> 01:30:14,018
I'm so obsessed with
the idea of being in love,
2020
01:30:14,020 --> 01:30:18,455
that I just, it's like...
I completely lose myself.
2021
01:30:18,457 --> 01:30:22,225
Like, I forget what I want
and I just disappear.
2022
01:30:22,227 --> 01:30:24,193
I'm like the horse
in The Neverending Story.
2023
01:30:24,195 --> 01:30:28,029
I don't think it's coming out
like it's inside your head.
2024
01:30:28,031 --> 01:30:30,897
Josh. I want to be alone.
2025
01:30:32,000 --> 01:30:34,080
I know that
I've said that a lot.
2026
01:30:34,435 --> 01:30:36,435
But, for the first time
in my life,
2027
01:30:36,437 --> 01:30:40,405
I really, really,
truly mean it.
2028
01:30:40,407 --> 01:30:42,907
Congratulations on
your engagement.
2029
01:30:50,549 --> 01:30:51,814
(EXHALES)
2030
01:31:07,631 --> 01:31:08,730
(DOOR CLOSES)
2031
01:31:08,732 --> 01:31:10,498
Where to?
2032
01:31:10,500 --> 01:31:11,832
Home.
2033
01:31:12,401 --> 01:31:13,733
(SIGHS)
2034
01:31:13,735 --> 01:31:15,468
I'm going home.
2035
01:31:18,306 --> 01:31:20,606
Woman! I don't know
where the fuck you live.
2036
01:31:20,608 --> 01:31:24,676
Oh, I'm sorry. Um, can I go
to South Second and Berry?
2037
01:31:29,815 --> 01:31:30,980
(ROBIN GRUNTS)
2038
01:31:30,982 --> 01:31:31,914
(TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, my God!
2039
01:31:31,916 --> 01:31:33,148
(ROBIN EXCLAIMS)
2040
01:31:33,150 --> 01:31:34,716
Robin? Oh, my God!
2041
01:31:34,718 --> 01:31:36,150
(GROANS)
2042
01:31:36,152 --> 01:31:37,551
Oh, my God! Are you okay?
2043
01:31:37,553 --> 01:31:39,185
Take us to the hospital,
and I won't sue you!
2044
01:31:39,187 --> 01:31:41,153
What's happening? We got to go.
2045
01:31:41,155 --> 01:31:43,655
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(ROBIN SCREAMS) Hey!
2046
01:31:43,657 --> 01:31:45,390
(MEG GROANS)
2047
01:31:45,392 --> 01:31:46,324
Oh, God!
2048
01:31:46,326 --> 01:31:47,725
Oh, my God, it's happening.
2049
01:31:47,727 --> 01:31:49,026
No, no, no. It's fine,
it's fine, it's fine.
2050
01:31:49,028 --> 01:31:49,993
Oh, my God! No, it's fine!
2051
01:31:49,995 --> 01:31:51,461
I got her, I got her.
2052
01:31:51,463 --> 01:31:54,130
The average labor
for a new mom is 26 hours.
2053
01:31:54,132 --> 01:31:56,899
It doesn't pop out like it does on TV.
It's gonna be fine.
2054
01:31:56,901 --> 01:31:58,166
Okay.
2055
01:31:58,168 --> 01:31:59,667
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
2056
01:31:59,669 --> 01:32:01,468
Oh, my God, is it fine?
Is everything fine?
2057
01:32:01,470 --> 01:32:02,802
Get a cab. Get me a cab. Okay!
2058
01:32:02,804 --> 01:32:04,136
ROBIN: I've got one!
2059
01:32:04,138 --> 01:32:05,604
(PANTING)
2060
01:32:05,606 --> 01:32:08,473
(GRUNTS) Ooh!
2061
01:32:08,475 --> 01:32:10,875
Take us to the hospital
and I won't sue you!
2062
01:32:10,877 --> 01:32:12,176
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
2063
01:32:12,178 --> 01:32:14,378
MEG: (BREATHING HEAVILY)
This is bad.
2064
01:32:14,746 --> 01:32:15,946
Okay, okay.
2065
01:32:15,948 --> 01:32:16,980
Oh, this is really bad!
2066
01:32:16,982 --> 01:32:18,348
(GRUNTS)
2067
01:32:18,350 --> 01:32:20,483
I need to call my
patients and say sorry.
2068
01:32:20,485 --> 01:32:21,550
No.
2069
01:32:22,553 --> 01:32:23,952
This is not natural!
2070
01:32:23,954 --> 01:32:25,053
Okay. Oh, God!
2071
01:32:25,055 --> 01:32:26,654
You're at 10 centimeters,
2072
01:32:26,656 --> 01:32:28,122
and you've already entered
the second phase
2073
01:32:28,124 --> 01:32:29,823
of labor,
known as active labor.
2074
01:32:29,825 --> 01:32:31,391
What?
2075
01:32:31,393 --> 01:32:33,092
I went to medical school.
Is that so hard to believe?
2076
01:32:33,094 --> 01:32:34,393
BOTH: Yes!
2077
01:32:34,395 --> 01:32:36,194
This is gonna happen,
like, right now.
2078
01:32:36,196 --> 01:32:37,428
Get your foot off my tit.
2079
01:32:37,430 --> 01:32:39,129
Get your foot off my tit, okay?
2080
01:32:39,131 --> 01:32:41,030
It's coming.
You are the cliche!
2081
01:32:41,032 --> 01:32:42,464
You are the lady who's about to
2082
01:32:42,466 --> 01:32:44,132
have a baby in
the back of a taxi
2083
01:32:44,134 --> 01:32:45,333
and I'm the Australian-American
2084
01:32:45,335 --> 01:32:47,201
hero who's gonna
make it happen!
2085
01:32:47,203 --> 01:32:49,136
In the cab, though?
Don't worry, Meg.
2086
01:32:49,138 --> 01:32:50,670
My hands and my mouth have both
2087
01:32:50,672 --> 01:32:52,371
been recently
sterilized by vodka.
2088
01:32:52,373 --> 01:32:54,072
Feels like it's coming out.
No, no, no, no.
2089
01:32:54,074 --> 01:32:55,339
ROBIN: I'm going in.
I'm going in.
2090
01:32:55,341 --> 01:32:56,473
Chant with me!
ALICE: Hold it inside!
2091
01:32:56,475 --> 01:32:58,541
We can do this. Do this.
2092
01:32:58,543 --> 01:33:00,943
We can do this.
2093
01:33:00,945 --> 01:33:02,010
We can do this, we can do this.
2094
01:33:02,012 --> 01:33:04,345
(BOTH SCREAMING)
2095
01:33:04,347 --> 01:33:05,779
We're here! We're here!
2096
01:33:05,781 --> 01:33:07,480
ALICE: Get out. Get out.
MEG: Okay, open the door.
2097
01:33:07,482 --> 01:33:08,981
ROBIN: Shit, the door's...
MEG: Open the door.
2098
01:33:08,983 --> 01:33:10,148
It won't open!
MEG: Open the door!
2099
01:33:10,150 --> 01:33:11,582
It won't open! ALICE: The door!
2100
01:33:11,584 --> 01:33:13,784
Wait! The window's working.
We just got to...
2101
01:33:13,786 --> 01:33:16,052
ALICE: What are you doing?
The door's locked!
2102
01:33:16,054 --> 01:33:17,853
(MEG CRYING)
Just open the door!
2103
01:33:17,855 --> 01:33:19,221
MEG: It's coming out!
2104
01:33:19,223 --> 01:33:21,656
ALICE: Robin! Okay,
you have to help her!
2105
01:33:21,658 --> 01:33:23,858
You have to help her.
She's gonna help you, okay?
2106
01:33:23,860 --> 01:33:24,959
MEG: I can't.
ALICE: Help her.
2107
01:33:24,961 --> 01:33:26,260
(MEG GROANING) Come on!
2108
01:33:26,262 --> 01:33:28,028
Close your legs really tight.
2109
01:33:28,030 --> 01:33:29,529
Do not let it come out!
(GRUNTING)
2110
01:33:29,531 --> 01:33:31,097
(SCREAMING)
2111
01:33:31,099 --> 01:33:32,698
Robin, it was locked!
2112
01:33:32,700 --> 01:33:33,899
(BOTH GROANING)
2113
01:33:33,901 --> 01:33:35,567
Come on!
2114
01:33:35,569 --> 01:33:37,535
(MEG GROANING)
2115
01:33:37,537 --> 01:33:38,836
Oh! My purse.
2116
01:33:38,838 --> 01:33:40,671
No, no, no, no! Get inside.
MEG: It's coming out!
2117
01:33:40,673 --> 01:33:42,105
I need a...
We need a wheelchair.
2118
01:33:42,107 --> 01:33:43,639
Jesus. Okay,
don't let it come out!
2119
01:33:43,641 --> 01:33:45,374
MEG: It's gonna come out.
Don't let it come out.
2120
01:33:45,376 --> 01:33:46,908
Wait, Meg. Meg! Meg!
I need to... I need to push.
2121
01:33:46,910 --> 01:33:47,975
It's coming out.
It's coming out.
2122
01:33:47,977 --> 01:33:49,042
Are you coming?
2123
01:33:49,044 --> 01:33:50,977
You don't need me anymore.
2124
01:33:50,979 --> 01:33:52,411
(MEG BREATHING RAPIDLY)
2125
01:33:54,047 --> 01:33:56,147
ALICE: Okay.
MEG: Oh, God. Okay.
2126
01:33:56,149 --> 01:33:57,948
MEG: I'm scared.
I'm right here.
2127
01:33:57,950 --> 01:34:00,517
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
2128
01:34:10,928 --> 01:34:12,360
(INFANT COOS)
2129
01:34:18,067 --> 01:34:19,366
(SOFTLY) Hi.
2130
01:34:20,736 --> 01:34:22,235
(WHISPERS) I called him.
2131
01:34:24,072 --> 01:34:26,472
Look, I know
you don't want me here,
2132
01:34:26,474 --> 01:34:28,474
but just listen to me, okay?
2133
01:34:29,243 --> 01:34:32,410
You like me. A lot.
2134
01:34:32,412 --> 01:34:34,278
And I like you. (COOING)
2135
01:34:34,280 --> 01:34:36,780
And you're crazy.
That's a fact.
2136
01:34:36,782 --> 01:34:40,883
Honestly, I think you're probably just
as crazy when you're not pregnant.
2137
01:34:40,885 --> 01:34:44,486
But I'm allowed to say that,
because I love you.
2138
01:34:46,490 --> 01:34:47,589
I love you.
2139
01:34:51,094 --> 01:34:52,726
I'm gonna come back later.
2140
01:34:55,263 --> 01:34:57,029
Thanks. Thanks for calling.
2141
01:34:57,031 --> 01:34:58,263
Don't be weird.
2142
01:34:58,265 --> 01:35:00,832
Oh, thank you, thank...
2143
01:35:00,834 --> 01:35:03,701
Well, are you gonna
come meet her or not?
2144
01:35:03,703 --> 01:35:05,383
Her? Mmm-hmm.
2145
01:35:06,104 --> 01:35:07,670
KEN: It's a "her"?
2146
01:35:10,408 --> 01:35:12,741
This is baby Madeline.
2147
01:35:12,743 --> 01:35:15,810
Oh, my God, look at you.
2148
01:35:15,812 --> 01:35:17,645
Happy Birthday, sweetheart.
2149
01:35:17,647 --> 01:35:19,146
(MADELINE COOS)
2150
01:35:19,148 --> 01:35:20,747
She's beautiful.
2151
01:35:22,117 --> 01:35:25,852
And I think I love you, too.
2152
01:35:25,854 --> 01:35:28,988
I mean, I do love you, I don't
know why I just said that.
2153
01:35:28,990 --> 01:35:30,456
I really love you.
2154
01:35:30,458 --> 01:35:33,091
I really, really love you.
(CHUCKLES)
2155
01:35:33,093 --> 01:35:34,492
(STAMMERS) I mean, I don't...
2156
01:35:34,494 --> 01:35:37,361
I can totally handle
all of this by myself.
2157
01:35:37,363 --> 01:35:38,695
I'm an independent woman.
2158
01:35:38,697 --> 01:35:40,096
My God, seriously?
2159
01:35:40,098 --> 01:35:41,730
But I don't want to.
2160
01:35:42,232 --> 01:35:43,531
I don't.
2161
01:35:49,805 --> 01:35:51,237
Hi. Mmm.
2162
01:35:52,078 --> 01:35:54,239
Doesn't she look like an alien?
2163
01:35:54,241 --> 01:35:55,673
(SNORTS)
2164
01:35:55,675 --> 01:35:58,742
You are the most beautiful
alien in the world.
2165
01:36:14,825 --> 01:36:16,124
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
2166
01:36:16,126 --> 01:36:17,458
(EXHALES)
2167
01:36:30,105 --> 01:36:31,370
(EXHALES)
2168
01:37:04,837 --> 01:37:06,603
(WHIRRING)
2169
01:37:26,924 --> 01:37:28,857
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
2170
01:37:53,249 --> 01:37:55,549
(EXHALES) (KNOCKING)
2171
01:37:59,487 --> 01:38:00,586
Hi.
2172
01:38:01,188 --> 01:38:02,987
What do you want?
2173
01:38:02,989 --> 01:38:06,156
I wanted to tell you that I know that
I can do a lot of things on my own.
2174
01:38:06,158 --> 01:38:07,490
And I can unzip my own dress,
2175
01:38:07,492 --> 01:38:10,559
but I want you to do it for me.
2176
01:38:10,561 --> 01:38:13,295
That sounded
really weird. Um...
2177
01:38:13,297 --> 01:38:15,297
I want you to watch
me unzip my dress.
2178
01:38:15,299 --> 01:38:17,332
No, sorry.
That sounded really sexual.
2179
01:38:17,334 --> 01:38:18,766
That's not what I meant.
2180
01:38:18,768 --> 01:38:21,468
What I meant is I want to
unzip my own dress
2181
01:38:21,470 --> 01:38:23,536
and I just want you
to be around,
2182
01:38:23,538 --> 01:38:25,637
because you're my best friend.
2183
01:38:27,240 --> 01:38:29,206
And I love you.
2184
01:38:29,208 --> 01:38:32,542
(SNIFFLES) And I'm totally
in love with you, too.
2185
01:38:32,544 --> 01:38:35,278
This is more than
just a friendship.
2186
01:38:35,280 --> 01:38:37,513
I'm so glad
you feel the same way.
2187
01:38:38,883 --> 01:38:40,182
Just joking!
2188
01:38:40,184 --> 01:38:41,783
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God.
2189
01:38:41,785 --> 01:38:45,186
I got you.
Oh, but I do love you.
2190
01:38:45,188 --> 01:38:46,720
And I missed you. Oh.
2191
01:38:46,722 --> 01:38:49,956
I've been having Alice
withdrawal, seriously.
2192
01:38:52,894 --> 01:38:55,294
Wait, are you kidding me?
Is this where you live?
2193
01:38:55,296 --> 01:38:56,662
(GASPS)
2194
01:38:56,664 --> 01:38:59,231
Robin! This is
your 500 square feet,
2195
01:38:59,233 --> 01:39:01,900
where you keep your clothes
and occasionally bathe?
2196
01:39:02,402 --> 01:39:03,801
Uh, yeah.
2197
01:39:03,803 --> 01:39:05,769
I'm super rich.
Did I not mention that?
2198
01:39:05,771 --> 01:39:07,937
Wait. Why do we always
hang out at my place?
2199
01:39:07,939 --> 01:39:09,538
Why did you even
work at the firm?
2200
01:39:09,540 --> 01:39:10,972
(WHIRRING)
2201
01:39:10,974 --> 01:39:13,374
Wait, why do I pay for
everything all the time?
2202
01:39:14,375 --> 01:39:15,807
Wow.
2203
01:39:15,809 --> 01:39:18,543
Well, I didn't really need
to work at the firm.
2204
01:39:18,545 --> 01:39:21,712
I just really liked
hanging out with you.
2205
01:39:21,714 --> 01:39:23,780
And screwing those
two security guys.
2206
01:39:23,782 --> 01:39:25,314
Why do have a scooter?
2207
01:39:25,316 --> 01:39:27,049
This is my indoor scooter.
2208
01:39:27,051 --> 01:39:28,583
I have the whole floor.
2209
01:39:28,585 --> 01:39:30,885
I have literally paid the bill,
every time we've gone out.
2210
01:39:30,887 --> 01:39:33,287
But that's how you
stay super rich.
2211
01:39:33,489 --> 01:39:34,821
God!
2212
01:39:34,823 --> 01:39:36,322
You have so much
to learn from me, still.
2213
01:39:36,324 --> 01:39:37,823
I want you to be
my sugar-daddy.
2214
01:39:37,825 --> 01:39:40,692
I'll be your sugar-sister.
2215
01:39:40,694 --> 01:39:42,427
I thought you
didn't do breakfast?
2216
01:39:42,429 --> 01:39:44,595
(SHUSHING) You're ruining it.
2217
01:39:44,597 --> 01:39:46,797
(MUFFLED GIGGLES)
2218
01:39:46,799 --> 01:39:50,333
ALICE: I've been thinking that
the time we have to be single,
2219
01:39:50,335 --> 01:39:53,636
is really the time we have
to get good at being alone.
2220
01:39:53,638 --> 01:39:55,237
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
2221
01:39:55,239 --> 01:39:59,406
But, how good at being alone
do we really want to be?
2222
01:39:59,408 --> 01:40:00,807
Isn't there a danger
2223
01:40:00,809 --> 01:40:03,109
that you'll get so good
at being single,
2224
01:40:03,111 --> 01:40:04,810
so set in your ways
2225
01:40:04,812 --> 01:40:06,778
that you'll miss out on the
chance to be with somebody great?
2226
01:40:06,780 --> 01:40:08,646
Hello, hello, hello, hello.
2227
01:40:13,652 --> 01:40:17,153
Some people take baby steps
to settle down.
2228
01:40:17,155 --> 01:40:18,954
(FAUCET HISSING)
2229
01:40:23,693 --> 01:40:25,993
Some people refuse
to settle at all.
2230
01:40:25,995 --> 01:40:27,060
(ALL CHEERING)
2231
01:40:31,832 --> 01:40:34,132
Sometimes,
it's not statistics.
2232
01:40:35,101 --> 01:40:37,434
It's just chemistry.
2233
01:40:37,436 --> 01:40:39,702
(INAUDIBLE)
2234
01:40:39,704 --> 01:40:41,870
And sometimes,
just because it is over,
2235
01:40:41,872 --> 01:40:44,972
doesn't mean the love ends.
2236
01:40:46,942 --> 01:40:50,142
Um, I want to talk
to you about your mom.
2237
01:40:51,578 --> 01:40:53,878
She got sick when
you were really little
2238
01:40:53,880 --> 01:40:58,749
and I don't talk about her
because I still miss her.
2239
01:40:59,485 --> 01:41:00,750
Every day.
2240
01:41:02,353 --> 01:41:05,853
But, we need to talk about her.
2241
01:41:06,522 --> 01:41:07,787
Who's that?
2242
01:41:08,156 --> 01:41:09,588
Me.
2243
01:41:09,590 --> 01:41:11,022
Who's that?
2244
01:41:11,024 --> 01:41:12,123
Mommy.
2245
01:41:12,125 --> 01:41:13,891
Yeah.
2246
01:41:13,893 --> 01:41:16,193
A lot of good memories in here.
2247
01:41:20,932 --> 01:41:23,098
I want to show you something.
2248
01:41:23,100 --> 01:41:24,499
(PHOEBE GIGGLING ON TV)
2249
01:41:24,501 --> 01:41:28,603
♪ But if you
feel like I feel ♪
2250
01:41:28,605 --> 01:41:31,706
♪ Please let me know
that it's real ♪
2251
01:41:31,708 --> 01:41:33,274
(PHOEBE GURGLING ON TV)
2252
01:41:33,276 --> 01:41:37,678
♪ You're just
too good to be true ♪
2253
01:41:37,680 --> 01:41:40,781
♪ Can't take my
eyes off of you ♪
2254
01:41:40,783 --> 01:41:43,183
The Eyes of You song.
2255
01:41:43,185 --> 01:41:44,717
(PHOEBE'S MOM VOCALIZING)
2256
01:41:44,719 --> 01:41:47,186
The Eyes of You song.
(CHUCKLES)
2257
01:41:47,855 --> 01:41:50,855
(VOCALIZING CONTINUES)
2258
01:41:52,525 --> 01:41:54,791
♪ I love you, baby ♪
2259
01:41:54,793 --> 01:41:57,426
(DAVID SINGING ALONG) ♪ And
if it's quite all right ♪
2260
01:41:57,428 --> 01:41:59,561
♪ I need you, baby ♪
2261
01:41:59,563 --> 01:42:01,462
♪ To warm the lonely nights ♪
2262
01:42:01,464 --> 01:42:03,764
♪ I love you, baby ♪
2263
01:42:03,766 --> 01:42:07,667
♪ Trust in me when I say ♪
2264
01:42:07,669 --> 01:42:10,069
♪ Oh, pretty baby ♪
2265
01:42:10,071 --> 01:42:12,271
♪ Don't bring me down I pray ♪
(HUMMING)
2266
01:42:12,273 --> 01:42:13,705
♪ Oh, pretty baby ♪
2267
01:42:13,707 --> 01:42:15,006
(SNIFFLES)
2268
01:42:15,008 --> 01:42:17,141
PHOEBE: Now I know
why you never sing.
2269
01:42:17,143 --> 01:42:18,275
Why?
2270
01:42:18,277 --> 01:42:22,279
Because your voice is so bad.
(LAUGHS)
2271
01:42:22,281 --> 01:42:25,482
What are you talking about?
That was excellent.
2272
01:42:25,484 --> 01:42:30,687
ALICE: The thing about being
single is, you should cherish it.
2273
01:42:30,689 --> 01:42:32,488
Because, in a week, (PANTS)
2274
01:42:32,490 --> 01:42:35,691
or a lifetime, of being alone,
2275
01:42:35,693 --> 01:42:38,193
you may only get one moment.
2276
01:42:42,698 --> 01:42:44,898
One moment,
when you're not tied up
2277
01:42:44,900 --> 01:42:47,901
in a relationship with anyone.
2278
01:42:47,903 --> 01:42:51,871
A parent, a pet,
a sibling, a friend.
2279
01:42:59,079 --> 01:43:01,012
(PANTING)
2280
01:43:01,014 --> 01:43:04,115
One moment, when you
stand on your own.
2281
01:43:07,987 --> 01:43:10,487
Really, truly single.
2282
01:43:10,489 --> 01:43:11,888
(LAUGHS)
2283
01:43:19,197 --> 01:43:20,329
And then,
2284
01:43:24,134 --> 01:43:25,932
it's gone.
2285
01:43:27,735 --> 01:43:29,968
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)