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Subtitles by demonseye
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I was sitting with my friend
Arthur Kornblum in a restaurant.
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It was a Horn & Hardart cafeteria.
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And this beautiful girl walked in,
and I turned to Arthur
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and I said "Arthur, you see that girl?
I'm going to marry her."
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And two weeks later
we were married.
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And it's over 50 years later,
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and we're still married.
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- I love you.
- I love you.
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Oh, hi, Sally.
Sally, this is Harry Burns.
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- Harry, this is Sally Albright.
- Nice to meet you.
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- Wanna drive the first shift?
- No, you're there already. You can start.
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Back's open.
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- Call me.
- I'll call you as soon as I get there.
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- Call me from the road.
- I'll call you before that.
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- I love you.
- I love you.
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Sorry.
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- I miss you already.
- I miss you.
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- I miss you already. Bye.
- Bye.
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I have it all figured out.
It's an 18-hour trip,
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which breaks down into
six shifts of three hours each,
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or, alternatively,
we could break it down by mileage.
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There's a...
There's a map on the visor
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that I've... marked to show
the locations where we can change shifts.
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Grape?
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No. I don't like to eat
between meals.
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I'll roll down the window.
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Why don't you tell me
the story of your life?
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The story of my life?
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We got 18 hours to kill
before we hit New York.
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The story of my life doesn't
even get us out of Chicago.
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I mean, nothing's
happened to me yet.
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- That's why I'm going to New York.
- So something'll happen to you?
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- Yes.
- Like what?
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Like I'm going to journalism school
to become a reporter.
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So you can write about things
that happen to other people.
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- That's one way to look at it.
- Suppose nothing happens to you.
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Suppose you live there your whole life
and nothing happens,
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you never meet anybody,
you never become anything,
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then you finally die
one of those New York deaths
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when nobody notices for two weeks
until the smell drifts into the hallway.
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- Amanda mentioned you had a dark side.
- That's what drew her to me.
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- Your dark side?
- Sure. Why, don't you have a dark side?
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I know, you're probably
one of those cheerful people
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who dots your "i"s
with little hearts.
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I have just as much of
a dark side as the next person.
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Oh, really? When I buy a new book,
I always read the last page first.
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That way, in case I die before I finish,
I know how it ends.
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That, my friend,
is a dark side.
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That doesn't mean
you're deep or anything.
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I mean... yes, basically
I'm a happy person.
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So am I.
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And I don't see that
there's anything wrong with that.
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Of course not, you're
too busy being happy.
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Do you ever think
about death?
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- Yes.
- Sure you do. A fleeting thought
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that you're just sending out
of the transom of your mind.
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I spend hours, I spend days.
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And you think
this makes you a better person.
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Look, when the shit comes down,
I'm gonna be prepared and you're not.
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That's all I'm sayin'.
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In the meantime, you're gonna
ruin your whole life waiting for it.
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- You're wrong.
- I'm not wrong.
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- You're wrong.
- He wants her to leave.
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- That's why he puts her on the plane.
- I don't think she wants to stay.
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Of course she wants to stay.
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Wouldn't you rather be with
Humphrey Bogart than the other guy?
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I don't wanna spend
the rest of my life in Casablanca
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married to a man
who runs a bar.
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That probably sounds
very snobbish to you, but I don't.
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- You'd rather be in a passionless marriage...
- And be the First Lady of Czechoslovakia.
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And live with a man man you had
the greatest sex of your life with,
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just because he owns a bar
and that is all he does?
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Yes.
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And so would any woman in
her right mind. Women are practical,
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even Ingrid Bergman, which is why she
gets on the plane at the end of the movie.
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I understand.
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- What? What?
- Nothing.
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- What?
- Forget about it.
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- Forget about what? Forget about what?
- It's not important.
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No, just tell me.
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Obviously, you haven't had
great sex yet.
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- Two, please.
- Right over there.
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- Yes, I have.
- No, you haven't.
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It just so happens that
I have had plenty of good sex.
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With whom?
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- What?
- With whom did you have this great sex?
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I'm not gonna tell you that.
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Fine. Don't tell me.
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- Shel Gordon.
- Shel. Sheldon?
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No. No, you did not have
great sex with... Sheldon.
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- I did, too.
- No, you didn't.
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A Sheldon can do
your income taxes.
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If you need a root canal,
Sheldon's your man.
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But humpin' and pumpin' is not
Sheldon's strong suit. It's the name.
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"Do it to me, Sheldon."
"You're an animal... Sheldon."
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"Ride me, big... Sheldon."
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- It doesn't work.
- Hi.
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- What can I get you?
- I'll have a number three.
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I'd like the chef's salad, please, with
the oil and vinegar on the side.
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And the apple pie a la mode.
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Chef and apple a la mode.
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But I'd like the pie heated
and I don't want the ice cream on top,
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I want it on the side.
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And I'd like strawberry
instead of vanilla, if you have it.
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If not, then no ice cream,
just whipped cream, but only if it's real.
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If it's out of a can, then nothing.
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- Not even the pie?
- No, just the pie, but then not heated.
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Uh-huh.
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- What?
- Nothin'. Nothin'.
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So, how come
you broke up with Sheldon?
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How do you know
we broke up?
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Because, if you didn't break up,
you wouldn't be here with me.
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You'd be off with Sheldon
the Wonder Schlong.
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First of all,
I am not with you.
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And second of all, it is none
of your business why we broke up.
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You're right, you're right.
I don't wanna know.
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Well, if you must know,
it was because he was very jealous
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and I had these
days-of-the-week underpants.
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I'm sorry, I need
a judge's ruling on this.
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- Days-of-the-week underpants?
- Yes.
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They had days of the week on them
and I thought they were sort of funny.
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And then one day Sheldon says to me
"You never wear Sunday."
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He's all suspicious. Where was Sunday?
Where had I left Sunday?
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And I told him
and he didn't believe me.
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- What?
- They don't make Sunday.
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- Why not?
- Because of God.
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Okay, so 15%
of my share is... 90.
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6.90.
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Let's leave seven.
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What?
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Do I have
something on my face?
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You're a very attractive person.
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Thank you.
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Amanda never said
how attractive you were.
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Well, maybe she doesn't think
I'm attractive.
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I don't think it's a matter of opinion.
Empirically, you are attractive.
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Amanda is my friend.
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So?
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- So you're going with her.
- So?
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So you're coming on to me.
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No, I wasn't.
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What?
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Can't a man say a woman is attractive
without it being a come-on?
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All right, all right.
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Let's just say, just for the sake
of argument, that it was a come-on.
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What d'you want me to do about it?
I take it back, okay? I take it back.
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You can't take it back.
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- Why not?
- Because it's already out there.
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Oh, geez, what are we supposed to do?
Call the cops, it's already out there.
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Just let it lie.
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- Okay?
- Great. "Let it lie." That's my policy.
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That's what
I always say. "Let it lie."
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Wanna spend the night
in a motel?
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- See what I did? I didn't let it lie.
- Harry.
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I said I would,
and I didn't.
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- Harry!
- I walked the other way.
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- Harry.
- What?
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00:11:49,869 --> 00:11:52,276
We are just
going to be friends, okay?
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Great. Friends.
It's the best thing.
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You realize of course
that we could never be friends.
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- Why not?
- What I'm saying is,
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and this is not a come-on
in any way, shape or form,
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is that men and women
can't be friends,
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because the sex part
always gets in the way.
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That's not true. I have
a number of men friends
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and there is
no sex involved.
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- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
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- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
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You only think you do.
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You're saying I'm having sex
with these men without my knowledge?
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00:12:22,604 --> 00:12:25,527
No, what I'm saying is
they all wanna have sex with you.
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- They do not.
- Do, too.
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00:12:27,858 --> 00:12:29,767
- They do not.
- Do, too.
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How do you know?
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Because no man can be friends
with a woman that he finds attractive.
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He always wants
to have sex with her.
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00:12:37,115 --> 00:12:41,243
So, you're saying that a man can be friends
with a woman he finds unattractive.
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00:12:41,536 --> 00:12:44,043
No, you pretty much
wanna nail them, too.
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00:12:46,081 --> 00:12:48,157
What if they don't
wanna have sex with you?
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00:12:48,291 --> 00:12:50,959
Doesn't matter. Because the sex thing
is already out there,
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so the friendship is ultimately doomed
and that is the end of the story.
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00:12:54,713 --> 00:12:56,505
Well, I guess we're not
gonna be friends then.
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00:12:56,505 --> 00:12:58,745
- Guess not.
- That's too bad.
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You were the only person
that I knew in New York.
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00:13:41,334 --> 00:13:44,590
- Thanks for the ride.
- Yeah. It was interesting.
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00:13:45,295 --> 00:13:48,033
- It was nice knowing you.
- Yeah.
188
00:13:57,388 --> 00:14:01,219
- Well, have a nice life.
- You, too.
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00:14:18,905 --> 00:14:22,902
- We fell in love in high school.
- Yeah, we were high-school sweethearts.
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00:14:23,034 --> 00:14:26,283
But then after our junior year
his parents moved away.
191
00:14:26,411 --> 00:14:30,539
- But I never forgot her.
- He never forgot me.
192
00:14:30,665 --> 00:14:34,033
No, her face
was burned on my brain.
193
00:14:34,167 --> 00:14:37,785
And it was 34 years later
that I was walking down Broadway
194
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:40,043
and I saw her
come out of Toffenetti's.
195
00:14:40,172 --> 00:14:42,046
We both looked
at each other,
196
00:14:42,174 --> 00:14:46,550
and it was just as though
not a single day had gone by.
197
00:14:46,677 --> 00:14:50,674
She was just as beautiful
as she was at sixteen.
198
00:14:50,806 --> 00:14:53,047
He was just the same.
199
00:14:53,183 --> 00:14:55,424
He looked
exactly the same.
200
00:15:28,446 --> 00:15:30,789
Joe. I thought it was you.
I thought it was you.
201
00:15:30,921 --> 00:15:32,960
- Harry Burns.
- Harry, Harry. How ya doin'?
202
00:15:33,090 --> 00:15:35,915
- Good. How you doin'?
- Uh, fine. I'm doin' fine.
203
00:15:35,915 --> 00:15:38,278
That's great. I was just walking by
and I thought it was you.
204
00:15:38,278 --> 00:15:40,221
- And there it is, it was you.
- Yeah, yeah, it was.
205
00:15:40,471 --> 00:15:41,749
You still with the DA's office?
206
00:15:41,749 --> 00:15:44,970
No, I switched to the other side.
W-what about you?
207
00:15:44,970 --> 00:15:48,757
I work with a small firm.
We do political consulting. Yeah, it's great.
208
00:15:50,777 --> 00:15:53,762
Oh, Harry, this is Sally Albright.
Harry Burns. Uh...
209
00:15:54,148 --> 00:15:57,102
Harry and I, we used to, uh...
We lived in the same building.
210
00:16:00,845 --> 00:16:03,331
Well, listen, I got a plane to catch.
It was really good to see you, Joe.
211
00:16:03,331 --> 00:16:05,186
- You too, Harry.
- Bye.
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Thank God
he couldn't place me.
213
00:16:13,146 --> 00:16:15,485
I drove from college to New York
with him five years ago
214
00:16:15,485 --> 00:16:18,344
and it was
the longest night of my life.
215
00:16:20,044 --> 00:16:22,961
- What happened?
- He made a pass at me. And when I said no,
216
00:16:23,088 --> 00:16:25,689
he was going
with a girlfriend of mine, uh...
217
00:16:27,091 --> 00:16:30,175
Oh, God,
I can't remember her name.
218
00:16:30,302 --> 00:16:31,742
Don't get involved
with me, Joe.
219
00:16:31,742 --> 00:16:34,592
I am 26 years old and I can't
even remember the name of the girl
220
00:16:34,592 --> 00:16:35,693
I was such good friends with
221
00:16:35,693 --> 00:16:37,799
I wouldn't get involved
with her boyfriend.
222
00:16:38,392 --> 00:16:40,431
- So what happened?
- When?
223
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:42,734
When-when he made
a pass at you, you said no...
224
00:16:42,734 --> 00:16:46,493
Oh, oh. I said
we could just be friends.
225
00:16:46,648 --> 00:16:47,753
And this part I remember.
226
00:16:47,753 --> 00:16:51,218
He said that men and women
could never really be friends.
227
00:16:52,573 --> 00:16:54,401
Do you think that's true?
228
00:16:55,497 --> 00:16:56,478
No.
229
00:16:56,767 --> 00:17:01,245
Do you have any women friends,
just friends?
230
00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:01,611
No.
231
00:17:02,053 --> 00:17:04,822
But I will get one
if it's important to you.
232
00:17:07,051 --> 00:17:11,209
Amanda Reese.
That was her name. Thank God.
233
00:17:11,209 --> 00:17:14,911
I will miss you.
I love you.
234
00:17:15,798 --> 00:17:19,336
- You do?
- Yes.
235
00:17:20,217 --> 00:17:22,232
I love you.
236
00:17:45,779 --> 00:17:48,317
- And what would you like to drink?
- Nothing, thanks.
237
00:17:48,506 --> 00:17:50,440
- D'you have any Bloody Mary mix?
- Yes.
238
00:17:50,575 --> 00:17:54,715
No, wait. Here's what I want.
Regular tomato juice,
239
00:17:54,715 --> 00:17:55,916
fill it up
about three quarters,
240
00:17:55,916 --> 00:17:58,591
then add a splash of
Bloody Mary mix - just a splash -
241
00:17:58,591 --> 00:18:00,802
and a little piece of lime
on the side.
242
00:18:00,837 --> 00:18:02,815
The University of Chicago,
right?
243
00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:05,208
Yes.
244
00:18:05,208 --> 00:18:07,726
Did you look this good
at the University of Chicago?
245
00:18:07,797 --> 00:18:09,952
- No.
- Did we ever...?
246
00:18:10,787 --> 00:18:12,380
No. No.
247
00:18:13,176 --> 00:18:17,220
We drove from Chicago to New York
together after graduation.
248
00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:20,507
- Would you two like to sit together?
- Great! Thank you.
249
00:18:27,075 --> 00:18:29,097
You were a good friend of, um...
250
00:18:30,190 --> 00:18:33,640
Amanda's. I can't believe
you can't remember her name.
251
00:18:33,776 --> 00:18:36,266
What do you mean? I can remember.
Amanda, right? Amanda Rice.
252
00:18:36,403 --> 00:18:36,977
Reese.
253
00:18:36,977 --> 00:18:39,556
Reese, right. That's what I said.
Whatever happened to her?
254
00:18:39,556 --> 00:18:41,895
- I have no idea.
- You have no idea?
255
00:18:42,205 --> 00:18:43,610
You were really
good friends with her.
256
00:18:43,610 --> 00:18:45,930
We didn't make it
because you were such good friends.
257
00:18:45,965 --> 00:18:47,985
- You went with her.
- And was it worth it?
258
00:18:47,985 --> 00:18:50,319
The sacrifice for a friend that
you don't even keep in touch with?
259
00:18:50,456 --> 00:18:52,744
Harry, you might
not believe this,
260
00:18:52,874 --> 00:18:56,788
but I never considered
not sleeping with you a sacrifice.
261
00:18:57,044 --> 00:18:59,879
Fair enough. Fair enough.
262
00:19:03,091 --> 00:19:05,249
- You were gonna be a gymnast.
- A journalist.
263
00:19:05,384 --> 00:19:09,391
- Right, that's what I said. And?
- I am a journalist. I work at The News.
264
00:19:09,391 --> 00:19:11,632
Great. And you're with Joe.
265
00:19:11,681 --> 00:19:14,432
Well, that's great. Great.
266
00:19:14,759 --> 00:19:17,173
You're together, what,
three weeks?
267
00:19:18,229 --> 00:19:21,478
- A month. How did you know that?
- You take someone to the airport,
268
00:19:21,606 --> 00:19:23,513
it's clearly the beginning
of a relationship.
269
00:19:23,513 --> 00:19:25,640
That's why I have never
taken anyone to the airport
270
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:27,671
at the beginning
of a relationship.
271
00:19:27,706 --> 00:19:30,190
- Why?
- Because eventually things move on
272
00:19:30,321 --> 00:19:31,837
and you don't take
someone to the airport.
273
00:19:31,837 --> 00:19:33,627
And I never wanted anyone
to say to me:
274
00:19:33,699 --> 00:19:36,225
"How come you never take me
to the airport any more?"
275
00:19:37,368 --> 00:19:40,114
It's amazing.
You look like a normal person,
276
00:19:40,114 --> 00:19:42,480
but actually you are
the Angel of Death.
277
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:43,883
Are you gonna marry him?
278
00:19:45,625 --> 00:19:47,503
We have only known
each other for a month
279
00:19:47,503 --> 00:19:50,824
and, besides, neither one of us
is looking into getting married right now.
280
00:19:50,824 --> 00:19:53,318
- I'm getting married.
- You are?
281
00:19:54,757 --> 00:19:57,030
- You are?
- Yeah.
282
00:19:57,718 --> 00:19:58,759
Who is she?
283
00:19:58,921 --> 00:20:01,852
Helen Hillson. She's a lawyer.
She's keeping her name.
284
00:20:03,414 --> 00:20:05,636
- You're getting married.
- Yeah.
285
00:20:06,725 --> 00:20:09,595
What's so funny about that?
286
00:20:11,062 --> 00:20:14,062
It, uh... It's just
so optimistic of you, Harry.
287
00:20:14,190 --> 00:20:17,106
Well, you'd be amazed what
falling madly in love can do for you.
288
00:20:17,234 --> 00:20:20,649
Well, it's wonderful. It's nice
to see you embracing life in this manner.
289
00:20:20,948 --> 00:20:23,067
Yeah. Plus, you know,
you just get to a certain point
290
00:20:23,067 --> 00:20:25,040
where you get tired
of the whole thing.
291
00:20:25,195 --> 00:20:28,441
- What whole thing?
- The whole "life of a single guy" thing.
292
00:20:28,677 --> 00:20:30,542
You meet someone,
you have the safe lunch,
293
00:20:30,542 --> 00:20:33,224
you decide to like each other or not
to move on to dinner.
294
00:20:33,224 --> 00:20:35,662
You go dancing,
you do the white man's overbite,
295
00:20:36,935 --> 00:20:38,735
you go back to her place,
you have sex,
296
00:20:38,735 --> 00:20:41,070
and the minute you're finished
you know what goes through your mind?
297
00:20:41,105 --> 00:20:43,011
"How long do I have
to lie here and hold her
298
00:20:43,011 --> 00:20:44,667
before I can get up
and go home?"
299
00:20:44,756 --> 00:20:46,815
"Is 30 seconds enough?"
300
00:20:47,129 --> 00:20:49,759
That's what you're thinking?
Is that true?
301
00:20:49,885 --> 00:20:52,315
Sure. All men think that.
302
00:20:52,661 --> 00:20:55,631
How long do you like to be
held afterwards? All night, right?
303
00:20:56,128 --> 00:20:57,202
See, that's the problem.
304
00:20:57,202 --> 00:21:00,034
Somewhere between 30 seconds
and all night is your problem.
305
00:21:00,351 --> 00:21:02,807
- I don't have a problem.
- Yeah, you do.
306
00:21:17,907 --> 00:21:20,398
- Staying over?
- Yes.
307
00:21:20,534 --> 00:21:24,152
Would you like to have dinner?
Just friends.
308
00:21:24,287 --> 00:21:26,905
I thought you didn't believe
men and women could be friends.
309
00:21:26,940 --> 00:21:29,119
- When did I say that?
- On the ride to New York.
310
00:21:29,250 --> 00:21:31,491
No, no, no, no,
I never said that.
311
00:21:32,127 --> 00:21:35,910
Yes, that's right.
They can't be friends.
312
00:21:36,100 --> 00:21:38,136
Unless both of them are involved
with other people.
313
00:21:38,136 --> 00:21:40,877
Then they can. This is
an amendment to the earlier rule.
314
00:21:40,877 --> 00:21:45,411
If two people are in relationships, the
pressure of possible involvement is lifted.
315
00:21:46,381 --> 00:21:48,401
That doesn't work either
because what happens then
316
00:21:48,401 --> 00:21:50,035
is the person you're involved with
can't understand
317
00:21:50,035 --> 00:21:52,054
why you need to be friends with
the person you're just friends with,
318
00:21:52,185 --> 00:21:54,331
like it means something
is missing from the relationship
319
00:21:54,331 --> 00:21:55,958
and you want to go outside
to get it.
320
00:21:55,993 --> 00:21:57,740
Then when you say "No, no, no, no,
it's not true,
321
00:21:57,740 --> 00:21:59,275
nothing is missing
from our relationship",
322
00:21:59,275 --> 00:22:02,386
the person you're involved with and
accuses you of being secretly attracted
323
00:22:02,386 --> 00:22:04,633
to the person you're just friends with,
which you probably are.
324
00:22:04,633 --> 00:22:06,760
I mean, come on, who the hell
are we kidding? Let's face it.
325
00:22:06,795 --> 00:22:09,103
Which brings us back to the earlier rule
before the amendment, which is
326
00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:11,991
men and women can't be friends.
So where's that leave us?
327
00:22:12,074 --> 00:22:13,380
- Harry.
- What?
328
00:22:13,660 --> 00:22:16,526
- Goodbye.
- Okay.
329
00:22:24,606 --> 00:22:27,330
I'll just stop walking.
I'll let you go ahead.
330
00:22:31,513 --> 00:22:33,505
We were married
40 years ago.
331
00:22:33,719 --> 00:22:37,334
We were married three years,
we got a divorce. Then I married Marjorie.
332
00:22:37,565 --> 00:22:40,008
- But first you lived with Barbara.
- Right, Barbara.
333
00:22:40,140 --> 00:22:42,677
But I didn't marry Barbara.
I married Marjorie.
334
00:22:42,876 --> 00:22:46,011
- Then you got a divorce.
- Right. Then I married Katie.
335
00:22:46,144 --> 00:22:47,769
Another divorce.
336
00:22:47,896 --> 00:22:52,231
Then a couple of years later at
Eddie Collecio's funeral, I ran into her.
337
00:22:52,983 --> 00:22:55,687
I was with some girl
I don't even remember.
338
00:22:55,886 --> 00:22:58,570
- Roberta.
- Right. Roberta.
339
00:22:58,696 --> 00:23:01,103
But I couldn't
take my eyes off you.
340
00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:04,525
I remember I snuck over
to her and I said...
341
00:23:04,659 --> 00:23:07,778
- What did I say?
- You said "What are you doin' after?"
342
00:23:07,912 --> 00:23:12,489
Right. So I ditch Roberta, we go
for coffee, a month later we're married.
343
00:23:12,624 --> 00:23:15,708
35 years today
after our first marriage.
344
00:23:19,254 --> 00:23:20,878
I went through his pockets,
okay?
345
00:23:20,878 --> 00:23:22,681
Marie, why did you go
through his pockets?
346
00:23:22,681 --> 00:23:24,552
- You know what I found?
- No, what?
347
00:23:24,552 --> 00:23:26,173
They just bought
a dining-room table.
348
00:23:26,261 --> 00:23:29,652
I mean, his wife just went out and spent
1,600 dollars on a dining-room table.
349
00:23:29,652 --> 00:23:32,222
- Where?
- The point isn't where, Alice.
350
00:23:32,348 --> 00:23:34,726
The point is he's never
gonna leave her.
351
00:23:34,726 --> 00:23:37,137
So, what else is new?
You've known this for two years.
352
00:23:37,476 --> 00:23:39,765
You're right. You're right,
I know you're right.
353
00:23:40,016 --> 00:23:41,458
Why can't you find
someone single?
354
00:23:41,458 --> 00:23:44,023
When I was single,
I knew lots of nice single men.
355
00:23:44,149 --> 00:23:46,818
There must be someone.
Sally found someone.
356
00:23:46,943 --> 00:23:49,231
Well, Sally got
the last good one.
357
00:23:49,449 --> 00:23:51,235
- Joe and I broke up.
- What?
358
00:23:51,363 --> 00:23:52,941
- When?
- Monday.
359
00:23:53,073 --> 00:23:55,279
- You waited three days to tell us?
- Joe's available?
360
00:23:55,408 --> 00:23:58,479
For God's sake, Marie,
don't you have any feelings about this?
361
00:23:58,479 --> 00:24:00,783
- She's obviously upset.
- I'm not that upset.
362
00:24:00,783 --> 00:24:02,916
We'd been growing apart
for quite a while.
363
00:24:02,951 --> 00:24:04,331
But you guys were a couple.
364
00:24:04,457 --> 00:24:08,240
You had someone to go places with.
You had a date on national holidays.
365
00:24:08,419 --> 00:24:09,637
I said to myself
366
00:24:09,637 --> 00:24:12,353
"You deserve more than this.
You're 31 years old..."
367
00:24:12,388 --> 00:24:13,379
And the clock is ticking.
368
00:24:13,379 --> 00:24:16,802
No, the clock doesn't really start
to tick until you're 36.
369
00:24:16,837 --> 00:24:19,209
God, you're
in such great shape.
370
00:24:19,209 --> 00:24:23,215
Well, I've had a few days
to get used to it, and, uh... I feel okay.
371
00:24:23,425 --> 00:24:26,279
Good.
Then you're ready.
372
00:24:27,362 --> 00:24:30,225
- Really, Marie.
- Well, how else do you think you do it?
373
00:24:30,353 --> 00:24:31,916
I've got the perfect guy.
374
00:24:31,916 --> 00:24:34,406
I don't happen to find him
attractive, but you might.
375
00:24:34,441 --> 00:24:36,265
She doesn't have
a problem with chins.
376
00:24:36,469 --> 00:24:40,147
- Marie, I'm not ready yet.
- But you just said you were over him.
377
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:43,728
I am over him,
but I'm in a mourning period.
378
00:24:46,407 --> 00:24:48,732
- Who is it?
- Alex Anderson.
379
00:24:50,220 --> 00:24:52,693
You fixed me up with him
six years ago.
380
00:24:52,829 --> 00:24:55,320
Sorry. God.
381
00:24:55,599 --> 00:24:57,947
All right, wait.
Here. Here we go.
382
00:24:58,138 --> 00:25:01,665
- Ken Darman.
- He's been married for over a year.
383
00:25:01,836 --> 00:25:03,545
Really?
384
00:25:04,172 --> 00:25:05,916
Married.
385
00:25:06,423 --> 00:25:08,393
- Oh, wait. Wait, Wait.
- Look...
386
00:25:08,393 --> 00:25:08,794
I got one.
387
00:25:08,794 --> 00:25:11,811
There is no point in my going out
with someone I might really like
388
00:25:11,811 --> 00:25:13,181
if I met him at the right time,
389
00:25:13,181 --> 00:25:14,713
but who right now has no chance
390
00:25:14,713 --> 00:25:17,212
of being anything to me
but a transitional man.
391
00:25:17,247 --> 00:25:21,682
Okay, but don't wait too long. Remember
what happened with David Warsaw?
392
00:25:22,061 --> 00:25:23,589
His wife left him
and everyone said
393
00:25:23,589 --> 00:25:26,245
"Give him some time.
Don't move in too fast."
394
00:25:26,731 --> 00:25:29,105
Six months later
he was dead.
395
00:25:29,611 --> 00:25:31,808
What are you saying, I should
get married to someone right away
396
00:25:31,808 --> 00:25:33,422
in case he's about to die?
397
00:25:33,457 --> 00:25:35,566
At least you could say
you were married.
398
00:25:35,875 --> 00:25:39,376
I'm saying that the right man,
he might be out there right now.
399
00:25:39,376 --> 00:25:41,259
And if you don't grab him,
someone else will,
400
00:25:41,259 --> 00:25:42,842
and you'll have to spend
the rest of your life
401
00:25:42,842 --> 00:25:45,965
knowing that someone else
is married to your husband.
402
00:25:50,125 --> 00:25:52,366
Ten. Hut!
403
00:26:06,805 --> 00:26:10,754
- When did this happen?
- Friday. Helen comes home from work
404
00:26:10,892 --> 00:26:14,342
and she says "I don't know
if I wanna be married any more."
405
00:26:14,478 --> 00:26:17,287
Like it's the institution.
You know, like it's nothing personal,
406
00:26:17,287 --> 00:26:20,222
just something she's been
thinking about in a casual way.
407
00:26:20,376 --> 00:26:23,873
I'm calm. I say "Why don't we take
some time to think about it?
408
00:26:23,873 --> 00:26:25,197
You know,
don't rush into anything."
409
00:26:25,197 --> 00:26:28,027
- Yeah, right.
- Next day she says she's thought about it.
410
00:26:28,326 --> 00:26:31,823
And she wants a trial separation.
She just wants to try it, she says.
411
00:26:31,823 --> 00:26:35,033
But we can still date.
Like this is supposed to cushion the blow.
412
00:26:35,229 --> 00:26:36,953
Man, I got married
so I could stop dating,
413
00:26:36,953 --> 00:26:39,839
so I don't see why we can still date
is any big incentive
414
00:26:39,839 --> 00:26:41,876
since the last thing you wanna do
is date your wife,
415
00:26:41,876 --> 00:26:43,331
who's supposed to love you.
416
00:26:43,366 --> 00:26:44,480
Which is what
I'm saying to her,
417
00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:47,068
when it occurs to me
that maybe she doesn't.
418
00:26:47,227 --> 00:26:50,225
So I say to her
"Don't you love me any more?"
419
00:26:50,225 --> 00:26:53,482
D'you know what she says?
"I don't know if I've ever loved you."
420
00:26:53,482 --> 00:26:57,595
Ooh, that's harsh. You don't
bounce back from that right away.
421
00:26:57,721 --> 00:27:00,721
- Thanks, Jess.
- No, I'm a writer. I know dialogue.
422
00:27:01,155 --> 00:27:02,472
And that's particularly harsh.
423
00:27:02,757 --> 00:27:06,168
Then she tells me that somebody
in her office is going to South America
424
00:27:06,168 --> 00:27:10,645
and she can sublet his apartment.
I can't believe this. And the doorbell rings.
425
00:27:10,773 --> 00:27:13,494
"I can sublet his apartment"...
The words are still hanging in the air
426
00:27:13,806 --> 00:27:15,907
you know, like in a balloon
attached to a mouth...
427
00:27:15,907 --> 00:27:17,294
- Like a cartoon.
- Right.
428
00:27:17,329 --> 00:27:22,027
So I go to the door and there are moving
men there. Now I start to get suspicious.
429
00:27:22,277 --> 00:27:24,699
I say "Helen, when did you call
these movers?"
430
00:27:24,699 --> 00:27:26,233
And she doesn't say anything.
431
00:27:26,293 --> 00:27:28,970
So I ask the movers "When did
this woman book you for this gig?"
432
00:27:29,085 --> 00:27:31,649
And they're just standing there.
Three huge guys, one of them
433
00:27:31,649 --> 00:27:34,523
wearing a T-shirt that says
"Don't fuck with Mr Zero."
434
00:27:34,523 --> 00:27:39,747
So I said "Helen, when did you make this
arrangement?" She says "A week ago."
435
00:27:40,165 --> 00:27:43,082
I said "You've known for a week
and you didn't tell me?"
436
00:27:43,215 --> 00:27:46,635
And she says
"I didn't wanna ruin your birthday."
437
00:27:49,185 --> 00:27:52,626
You're saying Mr. Zero knew you were
getting a divorce a week before you did?
438
00:27:52,626 --> 00:27:54,505
- Mr. Zero knew.
- I can't believe this.
439
00:27:54,505 --> 00:27:56,274
I haven't told you
the bad part yet.
440
00:27:56,274 --> 00:27:58,366
What could be worse
than Mr Zero knowing?
441
00:27:58,770 --> 00:28:00,490
It's all a lie.
442
00:28:01,637 --> 00:28:05,601
She's in love with somebody else.
Some tax attorney.
443
00:28:05,761 --> 00:28:08,779
- She moved in with him.
- How did you find out?
444
00:28:10,013 --> 00:28:12,108
I followed her.
Stood outside the building.
445
00:28:12,239 --> 00:28:15,088
- That's so humiliating.
- Tell me about it.
446
00:28:15,419 --> 00:28:18,165
And, you know, I knew.
I knew the whole time
447
00:28:18,165 --> 00:28:19,924
that even though we were happy,
it was an illusion.
448
00:28:19,924 --> 00:28:22,744
And that one day
she would kick the shit outta me.
449
00:28:22,779 --> 00:28:25,407
Marriages don't break up
on account of infidelity.
450
00:28:25,551 --> 00:28:28,139
It's just a symptom that
something else is wrong.
451
00:28:28,139 --> 00:28:30,866
Oh, really? Well,
that symptom is fucking my wife.
452
00:28:35,516 --> 00:28:38,700
So I just happened to see
his American Express bill.
453
00:28:39,956 --> 00:28:42,195
What do you mean
"just happened" to see it?
454
00:28:42,593 --> 00:28:46,402
Well, he was... shaving,
and... there it was in his briefcase.
455
00:28:46,422 --> 00:28:48,803
What if he came out and
saw you look into his briefcase?
456
00:28:49,227 --> 00:28:51,805
You're missing the point.
I'm telling you what I found.
457
00:28:52,097 --> 00:28:57,135
He just spent 120 dollars
on a new nightgown for his wife.
458
00:28:58,542 --> 00:29:00,572
I don't think
he's ever gonna leave her.
459
00:29:00,795 --> 00:29:03,596
No one thinks
he's ever gonna leave her.
460
00:29:03,631 --> 00:29:06,044
You're right, you're right.
I know you're right.
461
00:29:21,662 --> 00:29:25,161
Someone is staring at you
in Personal Growth.
462
00:29:27,987 --> 00:29:31,366
I know him.
You'd like him. He's married.
463
00:29:32,178 --> 00:29:36,222
- Who is he?
- Harry Burns. He's a political consultant.
464
00:29:36,768 --> 00:29:38,244
He's cute.
465
00:29:38,509 --> 00:29:41,551
- You think he's cute?
- How do you know he's married?
466
00:29:41,834 --> 00:29:43,843
Cause last time I saw him
he was getting married.
467
00:29:43,979 --> 00:29:47,062
- When was that?
- Six years ago.
468
00:29:47,410 --> 00:29:50,086
So he might not
be married any more.
469
00:29:50,597 --> 00:29:52,429
Also, he's obnoxious.
470
00:29:52,709 --> 00:29:55,398
This is just like in the movies,
remember, "The Lady Vanishes",
471
00:29:55,398 --> 00:29:57,202
when she says to him
"You're the most obnoxious man"...
472
00:29:57,202 --> 00:30:00,253
- "The most contemptible".
- ... then they fall madly in love.
473
00:30:00,288 --> 00:30:03,476
- Also, he never remembers me.
- Sally Albright.
474
00:30:05,454 --> 00:30:07,577
- Hi, Harry.
- I thought it was you.
475
00:30:07,706 --> 00:30:10,327
It is. This is Marie.
476
00:30:11,959 --> 00:30:13,619
Was Marie.
477
00:30:13,753 --> 00:30:15,792
- How are you?
- Fine.
478
00:30:15,921 --> 00:30:18,678
- How's Joe?
- Fine.
479
00:30:19,142 --> 00:30:20,861
I hear he's fine.
480
00:30:21,270 --> 00:30:24,985
- You're not with Joe any more?
- We just broke up.
481
00:30:26,323 --> 00:30:28,532
I'm sorry. That's too bad.
482
00:30:29,260 --> 00:30:31,671
Yeah. Well, you know.
483
00:30:31,809 --> 00:30:33,219
Yeah.
484
00:30:33,352 --> 00:30:34,705
So...
485
00:30:35,520 --> 00:30:37,512
- What about you?
- I'm fine.
486
00:30:37,647 --> 00:30:39,686
How's married life?
487
00:30:40,816 --> 00:30:43,848
Not so good.
I'm getting a divorce.
488
00:30:44,027 --> 00:30:48,149
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
489
00:30:48,489 --> 00:30:50,731
Yeah, well,
what're you gonna do?
490
00:30:51,449 --> 00:30:53,074
What happened with you guys?
491
00:30:53,600 --> 00:30:57,380
When Joe and I started seeing each other
we wanted exactly the same thing.
492
00:30:57,758 --> 00:31:00,061
We wanted to live together
but we didn't wanna get married
493
00:31:00,061 --> 00:31:02,347
because every time
anyone we knew got married,
494
00:31:02,347 --> 00:31:06,015
it ruined their relationship.
They practically never had sex again.
495
00:31:06,307 --> 00:31:09,834
It's true. That's one of the secrets
that no one ever tells you.
496
00:31:10,206 --> 00:31:12,672
I would sit around with my girlfriends
who have kids and...
497
00:31:13,034 --> 00:31:15,756
Actually, my-my one girlfriend
who has kids, Alice,
498
00:31:15,756 --> 00:31:19,392
and she would complain about
how she and Gary never did it any more.
499
00:31:20,135 --> 00:31:22,411
She didn't even complain about it,
now that I think about it.
500
00:31:22,411 --> 00:31:23,732
She just said it matter-of-factly.
501
00:31:23,732 --> 00:31:27,265
She said... they were up all night,
they were both exhausted all the time,
502
00:31:27,265 --> 00:31:30,835
the kids just took every sexual impulse
they had out of them.
503
00:31:32,683 --> 00:31:34,724
Joe and I used to talk about it
and we would say
504
00:31:34,724 --> 00:31:37,597
"We're so lucky.
We have this wonderful relationship.
505
00:31:37,597 --> 00:31:41,880
We can... have sex on the kitchen floor
and not worry about the kids walking in."
506
00:31:42,002 --> 00:31:44,794
"We can fly off to Rome
on a moment's notice."
507
00:31:46,912 --> 00:31:50,285
And then one day I was taking
Alice's girl for the afternoon
508
00:31:50,285 --> 00:31:55,698
cause I promised to take her to the circus.
And... we were in the cab playing I-spy.
509
00:31:55,870 --> 00:31:58,530
"I spy a mailbox",
"I spy a lamp post".
510
00:31:59,346 --> 00:32:03,001
And she looked out the window
and she saw this man and this woman
511
00:32:03,001 --> 00:32:07,108
with these two little kids, and the... man
had one of the kids on his shoulders.
512
00:32:07,431 --> 00:32:10,587
And she said...
"I spy a family."
513
00:32:12,099 --> 00:32:16,301
And I started to cry.
You know, I just started crying.
514
00:32:17,938 --> 00:32:20,436
And I went home
and I said "The thing is, Joe,
515
00:32:20,562 --> 00:32:23,682
we never do fly off to Rome
on a moment's notice."
516
00:32:23,982 --> 00:32:25,641
And the kitchen floor...?
517
00:32:26,457 --> 00:32:30,983
Not once. It's this very cold,
hard, Mexican ceramic tile.
518
00:32:33,239 --> 00:32:34,805
Anyway,
519
00:32:34,991 --> 00:32:36,911
we talked about it
for a long time.
520
00:32:36,911 --> 00:32:40,232
And I said "This is what I want"
and he said "Well, I don't".
521
00:32:40,668 --> 00:32:44,197
And I said "Well, I guess it's over."
And he left.
522
00:32:46,905 --> 00:32:50,908
And the thing is,
I... I feel really fine.
523
00:32:50,964 --> 00:32:54,044
I am over him.
I mean, I really am over him.
524
00:32:54,173 --> 00:32:57,375
That was it for him.
That was the most that he could give.
525
00:32:57,603 --> 00:32:59,171
And every time
I think about it,
526
00:32:59,171 --> 00:33:02,305
I am more and more convinced
that I did the right thing.
527
00:33:02,801 --> 00:33:04,790
Boy, you sound really healthy.
528
00:33:05,395 --> 00:33:06,589
Yeah.
529
00:33:07,401 --> 00:33:11,015
- At least I got the apartment.
- That's what everybody says to me too.
530
00:33:11,015 --> 00:33:13,248
But really, what's so hard
about finding an apartment?
531
00:33:13,475 --> 00:33:15,933
What you do is
you read the obituary column.
532
00:33:15,968 --> 00:33:17,804
You find out who died,
go to the building,
533
00:33:17,804 --> 00:33:19,308
and then you tip the doorman.
534
00:33:19,443 --> 00:33:20,927
What they could do
to make it easier
535
00:33:20,927 --> 00:33:23,824
is combine the obituaries
with the real-estate section.
536
00:33:23,824 --> 00:33:27,124
Say, then you have "Mr Klein died,
say, leaving a wife, two children
537
00:33:27,168 --> 00:33:28,851
and a spacious
three-bedroom apartment
538
00:33:28,851 --> 00:33:30,607
with a wood- burning fireplace."
539
00:33:34,616 --> 00:33:37,324
You know, the first time we met
I really didn't like you that much.
540
00:33:37,614 --> 00:33:39,284
- I didn't like you.
- Yeah, you did.
541
00:33:39,424 --> 00:33:42,137
You were just so uptight then.
You're much softer now.
542
00:33:43,093 --> 00:33:44,884
You know, I hate
that kind of remark.
543
00:33:44,884 --> 00:33:47,450
It sounds like a compliment,
but really it's an insult.
544
00:33:47,450 --> 00:33:49,481
Okay, you're still
as hard as nails.
545
00:33:49,566 --> 00:33:51,113
I just didn't wanna
sleep with you
546
00:33:51,113 --> 00:33:52,980
and you had to write it off
as a character flaw,
547
00:33:52,980 --> 00:33:54,707
instead of dealing
with the possibility
548
00:33:54,707 --> 00:33:56,764
that it might have
something to do with you.
549
00:33:58,779 --> 00:34:01,862
What's the statute of limitations
on apologies?
550
00:34:03,456 --> 00:34:06,534
- Ten years.
- Ooh, I can just get it in under the wire.
551
00:34:11,871 --> 00:34:14,397
Would you like to have
dinner with me sometime?
552
00:34:15,078 --> 00:34:17,312
Are we becoming friends now?
553
00:34:19,035 --> 00:34:20,390
Well...
554
00:34:21,918 --> 00:34:23,106
Yeah.
555
00:34:24,927 --> 00:34:28,122
Great. A woman friend.
556
00:34:28,803 --> 00:34:30,650
You know, you may be
the first attractive woman
557
00:34:30,650 --> 00:34:33,393
I've not wanted to sleep with
in my entire life.
558
00:34:33,877 --> 00:34:36,119
That's wonderful, Harry.
559
00:34:37,693 --> 00:34:40,049
We were both born
in the same hospital...
560
00:34:40,049 --> 00:34:41,061
In 1921.
561
00:34:41,061 --> 00:34:43,254
- .. seven days apart.
- In the same hospital.
562
00:34:43,385 --> 00:34:46,504
- We both grew up one block apart.
- We both lived in tenements.
563
00:34:46,638 --> 00:34:49,508
- On the Lower East Side.
- On Delancey Street.
564
00:34:49,640 --> 00:34:52,724
- My family moved to the Bronx when I was ten.
- He lived on Fordham Road.
565
00:34:52,955 --> 00:34:55,804
- Hers moved when she was 11.
- I lived on 183rd Street.
566
00:34:55,937 --> 00:34:59,618
For 6 years, she worked
on the 15th floor...
567
00:34:59,618 --> 00:35:00,883
I worked
for a prominent neurologist.
568
00:35:00,883 --> 00:35:01,047
... as a nurse,
569
00:35:01,047 --> 00:35:04,199
- where I had a practice on the 14th floor.
- Dr. Permelman.
570
00:35:04,199 --> 00:35:05,244
The very same building.
571
00:35:05,244 --> 00:35:06,857
- We never met.
- Never met.
572
00:35:06,987 --> 00:35:10,652
- Can you imagine that?
- You know where we met? In an elevator.
573
00:35:10,782 --> 00:35:13,652
- I was visiting family.
- In the Ambassador Hotel in Chicago.
574
00:35:13,784 --> 00:35:16,453
He was on the third floor,
I was on the 12th.
575
00:35:16,578 --> 00:35:20,196
I rode up nine extra floors
just to keep talking to her.
576
00:35:20,331 --> 00:35:22,786
Nine extra floors.
577
00:35:32,966 --> 00:35:35,587
- Hello.
- You sleeping?
578
00:35:35,719 --> 00:35:38,470
- No, I was watching "Casablanca".
- Channel, please?
579
00:35:38,596 --> 00:35:41,300
- Eleven.
- Thank you. Got it.
580
00:35:41,971 --> 00:35:44,342
Now, you're telling me
you'd be happier with Victor Laszlo
581
00:35:44,342 --> 00:35:45,675
than with Humphrey Bogart?
582
00:35:45,851 --> 00:35:48,531
- When did I say that?
- When we drove to New York.
583
00:35:48,998 --> 00:35:53,314
- I never said that. I would never say that.
- All right, fine. Have it your way.
584
00:35:55,471 --> 00:35:57,315
- You been sleeping?
- Why?
585
00:35:57,613 --> 00:36:01,358
Cause I haven't been sleeping.
I really miss Helen.
586
00:36:02,740 --> 00:36:04,706
Maybe I'm coming down
with something.
587
00:36:04,706 --> 00:36:06,280
Last night, I was up
at 4 in the morning
588
00:36:06,280 --> 00:36:08,364
watching "Leave It to Beaver"
in Spanish.
589
00:36:08,399 --> 00:36:11,948
"Buenos d�as, Se�or Cleaver.
D�nde est�n Wallace y Theodore?"
590
00:36:12,428 --> 00:36:13,362
I'm not well.
591
00:36:13,737 --> 00:36:17,618
Well, I went to bed at 7.30 last night.
I haven't done that since the third grade.
592
00:36:17,811 --> 00:36:20,480
Well, that's the good thing
about depression. Get your rest.
593
00:36:21,006 --> 00:36:23,704
- I'm not depressed.
- Okay, fine.
594
00:36:24,406 --> 00:36:26,960
Do you still sleep
on the same side of the bed?
595
00:36:27,067 --> 00:36:30,014
I did for a while, but now
I'm pretty much using the whole bed.
596
00:36:30,049 --> 00:36:34,529
God, that's great. I feel weird
when just my leg wanders over.
597
00:36:35,516 --> 00:36:36,847
I miss her.
598
00:36:37,726 --> 00:36:41,241
- I don't miss him. I really don't.
- Not even a little?
599
00:36:41,530 --> 00:36:43,212
You know what I miss?
600
00:36:43,606 --> 00:36:46,488
I miss the idea of him.
601
00:36:47,703 --> 00:36:50,470
Maybe I only miss
the idea of Helen.
602
00:36:50,991 --> 00:36:53,317
No, I miss the whole Helen.
603
00:36:56,950 --> 00:36:58,248
Last scene.
604
00:37:01,921 --> 00:37:05,099
Goodbye, Rick.
God bless you.
605
00:37:05,733 --> 00:37:08,327
Ooh, Ingrid Bergman.
Now, she's low maintenance.
606
00:37:08,666 --> 00:37:11,032
- Low maintenance?
- There are two kinds of women.
607
00:37:11,339 --> 00:37:13,289
High maintenance
and low maintenance.
608
00:37:13,289 --> 00:37:15,374
And Ingrid Bergman
is low maintenance?
609
00:37:15,811 --> 00:37:17,940
An LM, definitely.
610
00:37:17,975 --> 00:37:20,072
- Which one am I?
- You're the worst kind.
611
00:37:20,072 --> 00:37:22,350
You're high maintenance but
you think you're low maintenance.
612
00:37:22,837 --> 00:37:24,879
- I don't see that.
- You don't see that?
613
00:37:25,287 --> 00:37:27,087
"Waiter, I'll begin
with a house salad,
614
00:37:27,087 --> 00:37:28,480
but I don't want
the regular dressing.
615
00:37:28,480 --> 00:37:31,140
I'll have the balsamic vinegar
and oil, but on the side.
616
00:37:31,140 --> 00:37:32,606
And then the salmon
with mustard sauce,
617
00:37:32,606 --> 00:37:34,597
but I want the mustard sauce
on the side."
618
00:37:34,597 --> 00:37:36,496
"On the side" is
a very big thing for you.
619
00:37:36,496 --> 00:37:38,400
No, I just want it
the way I want it.
620
00:37:38,560 --> 00:37:40,481
I know.
High maintenance.
621
00:37:41,109 --> 00:37:43,721
Well, 10,000 francs
should pay our expenses.
622
00:37:43,913 --> 00:37:45,339
Our expenses?
623
00:37:46,094 --> 00:37:50,597
Louis, I think this is the beginning
of a beautiful friendship.
624
00:37:51,971 --> 00:37:54,586
Ooh, best last line
of a movie ever.
625
00:37:58,030 --> 00:37:59,961
I'm definitely coming down
with something.
626
00:38:00,224 --> 00:38:02,849
Probably a 24-hour tumour.
They're going around.
627
00:38:02,849 --> 00:38:04,784
- You don't have a tumour.
- How do you know?
628
00:38:04,784 --> 00:38:09,270
- If you're so worried, go see a doctor.
- No, he'll just tell me it's nothing.
629
00:38:10,075 --> 00:38:12,815
- Will you be able to sleep?
- If not, I'll be okay.
630
00:38:12,815 --> 00:38:16,140
- What'll you do?
- I'll stay up and moan.
631
00:38:16,140 --> 00:38:18,183
Maybe I should practise now.
632
00:38:24,228 --> 00:38:28,411
- Good night, Harry.
- Good night.
633
00:39:04,799 --> 00:39:08,696
I had my dream again. Where I'm making
love and Olympic judges are watching?
634
00:39:09,079 --> 00:39:11,634
I'd nailed the compulsories,
so this is it. The finals.
635
00:39:11,841 --> 00:39:15,217
I got a 9.8 from the Canadian,
a perfect 10 from the American,
636
00:39:15,576 --> 00:39:19,058
and my mother, disguised as
an East German judge, gave me a 5.6.
637
00:39:19,197 --> 00:39:20,671
Must've been the dismount.
638
00:39:22,039 --> 00:39:24,644
And basically it's the same one
I've been having since I was 12.
639
00:39:24,886 --> 00:39:28,079
- What happens?
- No, it's... It's too embarrassing.
640
00:39:28,079 --> 00:39:30,482
- Don't tell me.
- Okay, there's this guy.
641
00:39:30,482 --> 00:39:34,132
- What's he look like?
- I don't know. He's just kinda faceless.
642
00:39:34,132 --> 00:39:36,412
A faceless guy.
Okay. Then what?
643
00:39:37,836 --> 00:39:39,446
He rips off my clothes.
644
00:39:39,827 --> 00:39:43,117
- Then what happens?
- That's it.
645
00:39:44,723 --> 00:39:47,782
That's it? A faceless guy
rips off your clothes
646
00:39:47,782 --> 00:39:49,423
and that's the sex fantasy
you've been having
647
00:39:49,423 --> 00:39:52,115
since you were 12.
Exactly the same.
648
00:39:52,150 --> 00:39:53,922
Well, sometimes
I vary it a little.
649
00:39:54,894 --> 00:39:57,173
- Which part?
- What I'm wearing.
650
00:40:02,549 --> 00:40:04,679
- What?
- Nothing.
651
00:40:06,917 --> 00:40:10,178
I have decided that
for the rest of the day
652
00:40:10,313 --> 00:40:13,365
we are going to talk
like this.
653
00:40:13,365 --> 00:40:16,782
- Like this?
- No. Please. To repeat after me.
654
00:40:16,782 --> 00:40:17,992
- Pepper.
- Pepper.
655
00:40:17,992 --> 00:40:19,125
- Pepper.
- Pepper.
656
00:40:19,125 --> 00:40:20,044
- Pepper.
- Pepper.
657
00:40:20,044 --> 00:40:21,025
- Pepper.
- Pepper.
658
00:40:21,060 --> 00:40:24,692
Waiter, there is too much pepper
on my paprikash.
659
00:40:25,717 --> 00:40:30,328
Waiter, there is too much pepper...
on my paprikash.
660
00:40:30,328 --> 00:40:33,309
But I would be proud
to partake of your pecan pie.
661
00:40:33,983 --> 00:40:35,517
Oh, no.
662
00:40:35,517 --> 00:40:37,787
- But I would be proud...
- But I would be proud...
663
00:40:37,787 --> 00:40:38,940
- ... to partake...
- ... to partake...
664
00:40:38,940 --> 00:40:42,323
- ... of your pecan pie.
- ... of your pecan pie.
665
00:40:42,323 --> 00:40:44,186
- Pecan pie.
- Pecan pie.
666
00:40:44,186 --> 00:40:46,696
- Pecan pie.
- Pecan pie.
667
00:40:47,622 --> 00:40:49,975
Would you like to go
to the movies with me tonight?
668
00:40:49,975 --> 00:40:51,076
Would you like to go...
what-what...
669
00:40:51,076 --> 00:40:53,514
Not to repeat.
Please, to answer.
670
00:40:53,731 --> 00:40:57,338
Would you like to go
to the movies with me... tonight?
671
00:40:57,338 --> 00:41:01,694
Oh... Oh... Well, I'd love to, Harry,
but I-I can't.
672
00:41:01,729 --> 00:41:04,313
What do you have?
A hot date?
673
00:41:04,877 --> 00:41:07,603
- Well, yeah. Yeah.
- Really?
674
00:41:07,638 --> 00:41:09,704
Yeah. I wa... was gonna tell you,
but, I don't know,
675
00:41:09,704 --> 00:41:11,901
I just... I felt strange
about it.
676
00:41:11,901 --> 00:41:12,481
Why?
677
00:41:12,481 --> 00:41:14,633
Well, because we've been spending
so much time together.
678
00:41:14,633 --> 00:41:17,001
Oh, I think it's great
that you have a date.
679
00:41:17,036 --> 00:41:18,901
- You do?
- Yeah.
680
00:41:25,892 --> 00:41:28,578
- Is that what you're gonna wear?
- Yeah.
681
00:41:28,778 --> 00:41:32,055
Well, I don't-don't know. Why?
682
00:41:32,408 --> 00:41:36,137
I think you should wear skirts more.
You look really good in skirts.
683
00:41:36,137 --> 00:41:37,716
- I do?
- Yeah.
684
00:41:40,301 --> 00:41:42,466
You know, I have a theory
that hieroglyphics are really
685
00:41:42,466 --> 00:41:45,730
an ancient comic strip about
a character named Sphinxy.
686
00:41:45,765 --> 00:41:47,658
You know, Harry, I think
you should get out there, too.
687
00:41:47,658 --> 00:41:49,343
Oh, I'm not ready.
688
00:41:49,378 --> 00:41:50,389
You should.
689
00:41:50,389 --> 00:41:52,982
I would not be good
for anybody right now.
690
00:41:52,982 --> 00:41:54,452
It's time.
691
00:41:54,987 --> 00:41:57,857
It was the most
uncomfortable night of my life.
692
00:41:58,320 --> 00:42:00,245
See, no,
it has to go this way.
693
00:42:01,509 --> 00:42:04,079
The first date back
is always the toughest, Harry.
694
00:42:04,438 --> 00:42:06,152
You only had one date.
695
00:42:06,587 --> 00:42:08,609
How do you know
it's not gonna get worse?
696
00:42:08,862 --> 00:42:10,269
How much worse can it get
697
00:42:10,269 --> 00:42:12,329
than finishing dinner,
having him reach over,
698
00:42:12,329 --> 00:42:15,744
pull a hair out of my head and
start flossing with it at the table?
699
00:42:15,779 --> 00:42:18,367
We're talking dream date
compared to my horror.
700
00:42:18,652 --> 00:42:22,033
It started out fine.
She's a very nice person.
701
00:42:22,432 --> 00:42:23,747
And we're sitting
and we're talking
702
00:42:23,747 --> 00:42:26,246
in this Ethiopian restaurant
that she wanted to go to.
703
00:42:26,281 --> 00:42:27,893
I was making jokes,
you know, like
704
00:42:27,893 --> 00:42:29,965
"Hey, I didn't know that
they had food in Ethiopia."
705
00:42:30,000 --> 00:42:33,135
"This'll be a quick meal. I'll order
two empty plates and we can leave."
706
00:42:33,685 --> 00:42:36,223
Yeah. Nothing from her,
not even a smile.
707
00:42:36,269 --> 00:42:39,443
So I downshift into small talk and
I ask here where she went to school.
708
00:42:39,443 --> 00:42:42,558
And she says Michigan State.
This reminds me of Helen.
709
00:42:42,984 --> 00:42:46,310
All of a sudden I'm in the middle
of this massive anxiety attack.
710
00:42:46,310 --> 00:42:49,299
My heart's beatin' like a wild man
and I start sweatin' like a pig.
711
00:42:49,352 --> 00:42:52,531
- Helen went to Michigan State?
- No, she went to Northwestern.
712
00:42:52,566 --> 00:42:54,355
But they're both
Big Ten schools.
713
00:42:54,847 --> 00:42:57,477
I got so upset
I had to leave the restaurant.
714
00:43:00,003 --> 00:43:02,166
Harry, I think
this takes a long time.
715
00:43:02,465 --> 00:43:04,421
It might be months
before we're actually able
716
00:43:04,421 --> 00:43:06,665
to enjoy going out
with someone new.
717
00:43:06,912 --> 00:43:07,533
Yeah.
718
00:43:07,723 --> 00:43:10,167
And maybe longer,
before we're actually able
719
00:43:10,167 --> 00:43:11,371
to go to bed
with someone new.
720
00:43:11,371 --> 00:43:13,095
Oh, I went to bed with her.
721
00:43:15,119 --> 00:43:17,368
- You went to bed with her?:
- Sure.
722
00:43:24,035 --> 00:43:26,881
- I don't understand this relationship.
- What d'ya mean?
723
00:43:26,881 --> 00:43:28,642
- You enjoy being with her?
- Yeah.
724
00:43:28,642 --> 00:43:30,497
- You find her attractive?
- Yeah.
725
00:43:30,871 --> 00:43:32,749
- And you're not sleeping with her?
- No.
726
00:43:33,340 --> 00:43:35,637
You're afraid
to let yourself be happy.
727
00:43:35,712 --> 00:43:39,259
Why can't you gimme credit for this?
This is a big thing for me.
728
00:43:39,274 --> 00:43:42,064
I never had a relationship
with a woman that didn't involve sex.
729
00:43:42,064 --> 00:43:43,490
See, like I'm growing.
730
00:43:43,490 --> 00:43:44,783
Are you finished?
731
00:43:44,783 --> 00:43:47,345
Hey, I got a whole stack o' quarters.
And I was here first.
732
00:43:47,345 --> 00:43:48,389
- Were not.
- Was too.
733
00:43:48,389 --> 00:43:49,665
- Were not.
- Was too.
734
00:43:50,202 --> 00:43:52,765
- Big jerk.
- Little creep.
735
00:43:52,771 --> 00:43:54,870
- Where was I?
- You were growing.
736
00:43:54,870 --> 00:43:55,622
Yeah.
737
00:43:56,536 --> 00:43:59,907
It's very freeing.
I can say anything to her.
738
00:44:00,372 --> 00:44:03,419
Are you saying you can say things
to her you can't say to me?
739
00:44:03,719 --> 00:44:06,512
No, it's just different.
It's a whole different perspective.
740
00:44:06,663 --> 00:44:09,039
I get the woman's
point of view on things.
741
00:44:09,074 --> 00:44:10,836
She tells me about the men
that she goes out with,
742
00:44:12,899 --> 00:44:14,956
- You tell her about other women?
- Yeah.
743
00:44:14,956 --> 00:44:18,812
Like the other night. I made love
to this woman and it was so incredible...
744
00:44:18,847 --> 00:44:22,089
I took her to a place that wasn't human.
She actually meowed.
745
00:44:22,608 --> 00:44:23,996
You made a woman meow?
746
00:44:23,996 --> 00:44:27,094
Yeah, that's the point.
I can say these things to her.
747
00:44:27,225 --> 00:44:29,429
And the great thing is,
I don't have to lie
748
00:44:29,429 --> 00:44:31,843
because I'm not always thinking
about how to get her into bed.
749
00:44:31,878 --> 00:44:35,608
- I can just be myself.
- You made a woman meow?
750
00:44:37,390 --> 00:44:40,246
What do you do with these women?
You just get up out of bed and leave?
751
00:44:40,246 --> 00:44:41,066
Sure.
752
00:44:41,164 --> 00:44:43,789
Oh, explain to me how you do it.
What do you say?
753
00:44:43,824 --> 00:44:46,405
I say I have an early meeting,
early hair cut or a squash game.
754
00:44:46,405 --> 00:44:49,278
- You don't play squash.
- They don't know that. They just met me.
755
00:44:50,807 --> 00:44:53,330
- That's disgusting.
- I know. I feel terrible.
756
00:44:53,749 --> 00:44:56,179
You know, I'm so glad
I never got involved with you.
757
00:44:56,288 --> 00:44:58,018
I just would've ended up
being some woman
758
00:44:58,018 --> 00:45:00,391
you had to get outta bed
and leave at 3 oclock in the morning
759
00:45:00,391 --> 00:45:03,785
and go clean your andirons.
And you don't even have a fireplace.
760
00:45:03,785 --> 00:45:04,953
Not that I would know this.
761
00:45:04,953 --> 00:45:07,460
Why are you getting so upset?
This isn not about you.
762
00:45:07,460 --> 00:45:11,834
Yes, it is. You are a human affront
to all women, and I am a woman.
763
00:45:11,937 --> 00:45:14,811
Hey, I don't feel great about this
but I don't hear anyone complaining.
764
00:45:14,971 --> 00:45:17,165
Of course not.
You're out the door too fast.
765
00:45:17,799 --> 00:45:21,315
- I think they have an okay time.
- How do you know?
766
00:45:21,954 --> 00:45:23,588
What d'you mean
how do I know? I know.
767
00:45:24,285 --> 00:45:27,904
- Because they...
- Yes, because they...
768
00:45:28,750 --> 00:45:30,962
How do you know
that they're really...
769
00:45:31,051 --> 00:45:34,520
What are you saying?
That they fake orgasm?
770
00:45:34,031 --> 00:45:36,787
- It's possible.
- Get outta here.
771
00:45:36,862 --> 00:45:39,575
Why? Most women
at one time or another have faked it.
772
00:45:40,365 --> 00:45:43,358
- Well, they haven't faked it with me.
- How do you know?
773
00:45:44,439 --> 00:45:45,941
Because I know.
774
00:45:47,669 --> 00:45:53,515
Oh... Right. That's right.
I forgot. You're a man.
775
00:45:53,515 --> 00:45:55,586
- What is that supposed to mean?
- Nothing.
776
00:45:55,674 --> 00:45:57,687
It's just that all men are sure
it never happened to them
777
00:45:57,687 --> 00:45:59,590
and most women at one time
or another have done it,
778
00:45:59,590 --> 00:46:01,141
so you do the math.
779
00:46:01,806 --> 00:46:04,029
You don't think that
I can tell the difference?
780
00:46:04,520 --> 00:46:06,818
- No.
- Get outta here.
781
00:46:21,669 --> 00:46:23,315
Are you okay?
782
00:46:27,475 --> 00:46:29,656
Oh, God.
783
00:46:30,367 --> 00:46:32,575
Ooh, oh, God.
784
00:46:39,699 --> 00:46:42,351
Oh, God.
785
00:46:42,417 --> 00:46:44,109
Oh, yeah, right there.
786
00:46:50,655 --> 00:46:52,251
Oh, God.
787
00:46:53,142 --> 00:46:59,242
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
788
00:47:01,410 --> 00:47:04,137
Oh, yes: Yes: Yes:
789
00:47:05,837 --> 00:47:11,708
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
790
00:47:15,350 --> 00:47:17,073
Oh, God.
791
00:47:27,219 --> 00:47:29,188
I'll have
what she's having.
792
00:48:14,409 --> 00:48:16,069
He'll say "Are you married?"
793
00:48:53,329 --> 00:48:55,531
I like you without your beard.
You see your face.
794
00:48:55,531 --> 00:48:56,722
And it's my face.
795
00:48:58,243 --> 00:49:00,021
- Whoa! Dipping you.
- Oh!
796
00:49:03,592 --> 00:49:05,646
I really wanna thank you
for taking me out tonight.
797
00:49:05,646 --> 00:49:06,754
Oh, don't be silly.
798
00:49:06,754 --> 00:49:10,197
The next New Year's Eve, if neither
of us is with anybody, you got a date.
799
00:49:10,750 --> 00:49:12,048
Deal.
800
00:49:13,831 --> 00:49:16,363
See? Now we can dance
cheek to cheek.
801
00:49:21,880 --> 00:49:24,963
That I love you a lot
802
00:49:42,190 --> 00:49:45,596
Hey, everybody!
Ten seconds to New Year.
803
00:49:46,320 --> 00:49:48,479
- Ten, nine...
- Wanna get some air?
804
00:49:48,514 --> 00:49:51,918
- Yeah.
- ... seven, six, five, four,
805
00:49:52,007 --> 00:49:55,594
three, two, one!
Happy New Year!
806
00:50:17,630 --> 00:50:19,062
- Happy New Year.
- Happy New Year.
807
00:50:27,686 --> 00:50:30,140
He was a head counsellor
at the boys' camp,
808
00:50:30,140 --> 00:50:32,408
and I was a head counsellor
at girls' camp,
809
00:50:32,833 --> 00:50:36,619
and they had a social one night,
and he walked across the room.
810
00:50:36,859 --> 00:50:39,440
I thought he was coming
to talk to my friend Maxine,
811
00:50:39,853 --> 00:50:43,315
cause people were always
crossing rooms to talk to Maxine.
812
00:50:43,837 --> 00:50:46,279
But he was coming to talk to me,
and he said
813
00:50:46,813 --> 00:50:49,406
"I'm Ben Small
of the Coney Island Smalls."
814
00:50:49,946 --> 00:50:53,993
At that moment I knew. I knew
the way you know about a good melon.
815
00:50:56,472 --> 00:50:58,665
You sent flowers to yourself.
816
00:50:59,392 --> 00:51:03,425
60 dollars I spent on this big stupid
arrangement of flowers, and I wrote a card
817
00:51:03,425 --> 00:51:04,777
that I planned to leave
on the front table
818
00:51:04,777 --> 00:51:06,948
where Arthur would just...
happen to see it.
819
00:51:07,155 --> 00:51:08,838
What did the card say?
820
00:51:09,713 --> 00:51:12,503
"Please say yes.
Love, Jonathan."
821
00:51:12,503 --> 00:51:14,936
- Did it work?
- He never even came over.
822
00:51:14,936 --> 00:51:19,143
He forgot this charity thing that his wife is
chairman of. He's never gonna leave her.
823
00:51:19,143 --> 00:51:20,085
Of course he isn't.
824
00:51:20,085 --> 00:51:22,377
You're right, you're right.
I know you're right.
825
00:51:22,519 --> 00:51:25,461
- Where is this place?
- Somewhere on the next block.
826
00:51:25,597 --> 00:51:28,253
Ohh! I can't believe
I'm doing this.
827
00:51:28,534 --> 00:51:32,018
Look, Harry is one of my best friends
and you are one of my best friends.
828
00:51:32,018 --> 00:51:33,930
And if by some chance
you two hit it off,
829
00:51:33,930 --> 00:51:36,726
then we can all still be friends,
instead of... drifting apart
830
00:51:36,726 --> 00:51:37,923
the way you do
when you get involved
831
00:51:37,923 --> 00:51:39,566
with someone
who doesn't know your friends.
832
00:51:39,566 --> 00:51:42,565
You and I haven't drifted apart
since I started seeing Arthur.
833
00:51:43,753 --> 00:51:47,434
If Arthur ever left his wife
and I actually met him,
834
00:51:47,434 --> 00:51:50,630
I am sure that you and I
would drift apart.
835
00:51:51,034 --> 00:51:55,335
- He's never gonna leave her.
- Of course he isn't.
836
00:51:55,505 --> 00:51:57,636
You're right, you're right.
I know you're right.
837
00:51:58,195 --> 00:52:00,506
- I dunno about this.
- It's just a dinner.
838
00:52:00,506 --> 00:52:02,363
You know, I've finally gotten
to a place in my life
839
00:52:02,363 --> 00:52:05,353
where I'm comfortable with the fact
that it's just me and my work.
840
00:52:05,861 --> 00:52:07,619
If she's so great,
why aren't you taking her out?
841
00:52:07,619 --> 00:52:09,919
How many times do I have
to tell you? We're just friends.
842
00:52:09,919 --> 00:52:11,414
So you're saying
she's not that attractive?
843
00:52:11,414 --> 00:52:13,039
No, I told you,
she is attractive.
844
00:52:13,039 --> 00:52:14,832
Yeah, but you also said
she had a good personality.
845
00:52:14,832 --> 00:52:16,343
She has a good personality.
846
00:52:19,073 --> 00:52:20,227
What?
847
00:52:20,538 --> 00:52:22,310
When someone's not
that attractive,
848
00:52:22,310 --> 00:52:25,324
they're always described
as having a good personality.
849
00:52:25,324 --> 00:52:27,184
Look. If you would ask me
what does she look like
850
00:52:27,184 --> 00:52:30,534
and I said "She has a good personality",
that means she's not attractive.
851
00:52:30,544 --> 00:52:33,458
But just because I happened to mention
that she has a good personality,
852
00:52:33,458 --> 00:52:34,631
she could be either.
853
00:52:34,631 --> 00:52:36,454
She could be attractive
with a good personality,
854
00:52:36,454 --> 00:52:38,313
or not attractive
with a good personality.
855
00:52:38,313 --> 00:52:40,542
- So which one is she?
- Attractive.
856
00:52:40,542 --> 00:52:42,328
But not beautiful, right?
857
00:52:45,435 --> 00:52:47,717
It's like, whenever
I read Jimmy Breslin,
858
00:52:47,717 --> 00:52:51,034
it's as if he's leaving
some kind of a... a wake-up call
859
00:52:51,034 --> 00:52:55,328
- for the City of New York.
- What d'you mean by "a wake-up call"?
860
00:52:55,328 --> 00:52:58,984
He's-he's saying that actually we've got
people in the city who live on welfare...
861
00:52:58,984 --> 00:53:02,860
Would I... would I have seen
any of... any of your windows?
862
00:53:03,751 --> 00:53:07,290
A couple of weeks ago
I did a... I did a thing with... hostages.
863
00:53:07,290 --> 00:53:09,347
- The people in blindfolds.
- Yeah.
864
00:53:09,847 --> 00:53:12,260
I thought it was like late '80s.
865
00:53:13,727 --> 00:53:14,600
That's in-interesting.
866
00:53:15,370 --> 00:53:18,332
Let's just say I'm really not
a big fan of Jimmy Breslin.
867
00:53:18,332 --> 00:53:21,932
Well, he's the reason I became
a writer, but that's not important.
868
00:53:35,710 --> 00:53:39,303
Harry, you and Marie
are both from New Jersey.
869
00:53:39,303 --> 00:53:40,952
- Really?
- Where are you from?
870
00:53:40,952 --> 00:53:42,846
- South Orange.
- Haddonfield.
871
00:53:50,719 --> 00:53:54,751
- So, what are we gonna order?
- I'm gonna start with the grilled radicchio.
872
00:53:55,029 --> 00:53:56,781
Jess, Sally is a great orderer.
873
00:53:56,781 --> 00:53:58,615
Not only does she always pick
the best thing on the menu,
874
00:53:58,615 --> 00:54:01,905
but she orders it in a way that even
the chef didn't know how good it could be.
875
00:54:02,128 --> 00:54:04,004
I think restaurants
have become too important.
876
00:54:04,004 --> 00:54:05,471
I agree.
877
00:54:05,506 --> 00:54:09,246
"Restaurants are to people in the '80s
what theatre was to people in the '60s."
878
00:54:09,785 --> 00:54:13,683
- I read that in a magazine.
- I wrote that.
879
00:54:14,608 --> 00:54:17,371
- Get outta here.
- No, I did. I wrote that.
880
00:54:17,485 --> 00:54:20,995
I've never quoted anything from
a magazine in my life. That's amazing.
881
00:54:20,995 --> 00:54:23,529
Don't you think it's amazing?
And you wrote it?
882
00:54:24,570 --> 00:54:27,132
I also wrote
"Pesto is quiche of the '80s."
883
00:54:27,240 --> 00:54:30,211
- Get over yourself.
- I did.
884
00:54:30,363 --> 00:54:32,289
- Where did I read that?
- "New York Magazine".
885
00:54:32,767 --> 00:54:34,803
Sally writes
for "New York Magazine".
886
00:54:35,261 --> 00:54:39,771
You know, that piece had a real impact
on me. I-I don't know much about writing...
887
00:54:39,771 --> 00:54:42,198
It spoke to you,
and that pleases me.
888
00:54:42,198 --> 00:54:44,104
I-I mean, I really....
you have to admire
889
00:54:44,104 --> 00:54:46,296
people who-who can be
as... that articulate.
890
00:54:45,430 --> 00:54:49,048
Nobody has ever quoted
me back to me before.
891
00:54:59,380 --> 00:55:02,220
Oh! I've been looking for
a red suede pump.
892
00:55:04,821 --> 00:55:06,490
What do you think of Jess?
893
00:55:08,172 --> 00:55:09,454
Well, uh...
894
00:55:09,454 --> 00:55:11,376
Do you think
you could go out with him?
895
00:55:12,377 --> 00:55:15,868
- I don't know...
- Cause I feel really comfortable with him.
896
00:55:16,382 --> 00:55:19,642
- You wanna go out with Jess.
- If it would be all right with you.
897
00:55:19,745 --> 00:55:23,052
Sure. Sure.
I'm just worried about Harry.
898
00:55:23,052 --> 00:55:25,614
He's very sensitive,
he's going through a rough period,
899
00:55:25,614 --> 00:55:28,236
and I... I just don't want you
to reject him right now.
900
00:55:28,236 --> 00:55:30,311
- I wouldn't. I totally understand.
- Okay.
901
00:55:30,656 --> 00:55:33,548
If you don't think you're gonna
call Marie, do you mind if I call her?
902
00:55:34,037 --> 00:55:35,754
- No, no.
- Good. Good. Good.
903
00:55:35,898 --> 00:55:37,168
But for tonight
you shouldn't.
904
00:55:37,683 --> 00:55:40,299
I mean, Sally's
very vulnerable right now.
905
00:55:40,334 --> 00:55:41,434
I mean,
you can call Marie, it's fine,
906
00:55:41,434 --> 00:55:42,943
but let's just wait a week or so,
you know?
907
00:55:43,204 --> 00:55:44,578
Don't make any moves tonight.
908
00:55:44,578 --> 00:55:47,123
Fine. No problem.
I wasn't even thinking about tonight.
909
00:55:48,622 --> 00:55:50,883
Well, I don't really feel much
like walking any more.
910
00:55:50,990 --> 00:55:52,347
I think I'll get a cab.
911
00:55:52,347 --> 00:55:55,025
- I'll go with you.
- Great. Taxi!
912
00:56:07,061 --> 00:56:12,284
A man came to me and said
"I found nice girl for you."
913
00:56:12,823 --> 00:56:16,579
"She lives in the next village
914
00:56:17,314 --> 00:56:19,996
and she is ready for marriage."
915
00:56:21,600 --> 00:56:25,466
We were not supposed to meet
until the wedding,
916
00:56:25,967 --> 00:56:27,669
but I wanted to make sure.
917
00:56:28,268 --> 00:56:32,132
So I sneak into her village,
hid behind a tree,
918
00:56:32,644 --> 00:56:35,721
watch her washing the clothes.
919
00:56:36,309 --> 00:56:41,598
I think if I don't like the way
she looks, I don't marry her.
920
00:56:44,692 --> 00:56:47,776
So I said "Okay" to the man.
921
00:56:49,127 --> 00:56:50,355
We get married.
922
00:56:50,812 --> 00:56:54,169
We married for 55 years.
923
00:57:01,172 --> 00:57:04,667
- I have to get this. I have to get this.
- Harry, we're here for Jess and Marie.
924
00:57:04,702 --> 00:57:07,328
I know. We'll find them something.
It's great stuff here.
925
00:57:07,328 --> 00:57:08,674
Should have gone
to the plant store.
926
00:57:08,674 --> 00:57:11,012
- Here. Perfect for them.
- What's that?
927
00:57:12,133 --> 00:57:14,505
Battery-operated
pith helmet, with fan.
928
00:57:14,966 --> 00:57:17,963
- Why is this necessary in life?
- I don't know.
929
00:57:17,963 --> 00:57:20,717
Look. Look at this.
Also makes great fries.
930
00:57:21,061 --> 00:57:24,824
Oh... Oh-ho. Good.
Call off the dogs. The hunt is over.
931
00:57:25,047 --> 00:57:27,713
Sally, this is the greatest.
932
00:57:28,114 --> 00:57:30,523
Sally, please report to me.
933
00:57:30,613 --> 00:57:33,022
Look at this. This is the greatest.
You're gonna love this.
934
00:57:33,328 --> 00:57:37,776
This is a singing machine.
Look, you sing the-the-the lead
935
00:57:37,776 --> 00:57:39,115
and this has the backup
and everything.
936
00:57:39,115 --> 00:57:41,054
This is from "Oklahoma".
Here's the lyrics right here.
937
00:57:41,054 --> 00:57:43,387
- "Surrey with the Fringe on Top."
- Yes, perfect.
938
00:58:17,399 --> 00:58:18,557
What?
939
00:58:19,083 --> 00:58:22,123
It's my voice, isn't it?
You hate my voice.
940
00:58:22,363 --> 00:58:25,556
- I know, it's terrible. Joe hated my voice...
- It's Helen.
941
00:58:25,982 --> 00:58:27,078
Helen?
942
00:58:28,065 --> 00:58:29,909
She's coming
right towards me.
943
00:58:38,355 --> 00:58:42,776
- How are you, Harry?
- Fine. I'm fine.
944
00:58:43,696 --> 00:58:46,579
This is Ira Stone.
Harry Burns.
945
00:58:46,579 --> 00:58:47,843
Harry.
946
00:58:52,336 --> 00:58:57,442
I'm sorry. This is Sally Albright.
Helen Hillson... and Ira.
947
00:58:58,289 --> 00:58:59,680
Sally.
948
00:59:00,049 --> 00:59:02,540
- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
949
00:59:05,642 --> 00:59:07,215
Well...
950
00:59:08,063 --> 00:59:11,201
- See you.
- Yeah. Bye.
951
00:59:12,917 --> 00:59:15,416
Nice to meet you... Ira.
952
00:59:20,441 --> 00:59:21,981
You okay?
953
00:59:23,757 --> 00:59:25,318
Yeah, I'm perfect.
954
00:59:26,385 --> 00:59:27,759
She looked weird,
didn't she?
955
00:59:27,759 --> 00:59:30,017
She looked really weird.
She looked very weird
956
00:59:30,017 --> 00:59:31,101
I've never seen her before.
957
00:59:31,101 --> 00:59:33,655
Trust me. She looked weird.
Her legs looked heavy.
958
00:59:33,785 --> 00:59:35,816
- Really. She must be retaining water.
- Harry...
959
00:59:35,851 --> 00:59:38,995
Believe me,
the woman saved everything.
960
00:59:41,597 --> 00:59:43,151
Sure you're okay?
961
00:59:43,774 --> 00:59:47,113
Oh, I'm fine. Look,
it had to happen at some point.
962
00:59:47,113 --> 00:59:49,690
In a city of eight million people,
you're bound to run into your ex-wife.
963
00:59:49,690 --> 00:59:52,152
So, boom, it happened.
And now I'm fine.
964
00:59:56,113 --> 00:59:59,203
I like it. It works.
It says "home" to me.
965
00:59:59,238 --> 01:00:02,525
All right. All right.
We'll let Harry and Sally be the judge.
966
01:00:03,455 --> 01:00:05,179
What do you think?
967
01:00:06,294 --> 01:00:08,092
- It's nice.
- Case closed.
968
01:00:08,173 --> 01:00:12,050
Of course he likes it,
he's a guy. Sally?
969
01:00:14,477 --> 01:00:15,833
What's so awful about it?
970
01:00:16,236 --> 01:00:20,447
It's so awful, there's no way to even begin
to explain what's so awful about it.
971
01:00:20,447 --> 01:00:22,943
Honey, I don't object
to any of your things.
972
01:00:22,943 --> 01:00:25,138
If we had an extra room,
you could put all your things in it,
973
01:00:25,138 --> 01:00:26,570
including your bar stools...
974
01:00:26,570 --> 01:00:28,432
Honey, wait, wait, wait.
Honey, honey, wait, wait, wait.
975
01:00:28,432 --> 01:00:30,098
You don't like my bar stools?
976
01:00:31,113 --> 01:00:33,877
Harry, come on,
someone has to be on my side.
977
01:00:33,975 --> 01:00:36,886
I'm on your side. I'm just trying
to help you have good taste.
978
01:00:36,886 --> 01:00:38,814
I have good taste.
979
01:00:39,316 --> 01:00:42,191
Everybody thinks they have
good taste and a sense of humor,
980
01:00:42,191 --> 01:00:44,788
but they couldn't possibly
all have good taste.
981
01:00:44,788 --> 01:00:48,460
You know, it's funny.
We started out like this, Helen and I.
982
01:00:48,460 --> 01:00:51,499
We had bank walls, we hung things,
we picked out tiles together.
983
01:00:51,874 --> 01:00:53,298
Then you know what happens?
984
01:00:53,333 --> 01:00:55,102
Six years later
you find yourself singing
985
01:00:55,102 --> 01:00:57,868
"Surrey with the Fringe on Top"
in front of Ira!
986
01:00:58,615 --> 01:01:00,830
Do we have to talk
about this right now?
987
01:01:00,830 --> 01:01:03,833
Yes. I think that right now actually is
the perfect time to talk about this,
988
01:01:03,833 --> 01:01:07,526
because I want our friends to benefit
from the wisdom of my experience.
989
01:01:07,627 --> 01:01:09,368
Right now
everything is great.
990
01:01:09,403 --> 01:01:12,597
Everyone is happy, everone is in love,
and that's wonderful.
991
01:01:12,632 --> 01:01:14,556
But you gotta know
that sooner or later,
992
01:01:14,556 --> 01:01:17,986
you're gonna be screaming at each other
about who's gonna get this dish.
993
01:01:17,986 --> 01:01:21,301
This 8-dollar dish will cost you
1,000 dollar in phone calls
994
01:01:21,301 --> 01:01:23,274
to the legal firm of
"That's mine, this is yours".
995
01:01:23,274 --> 01:01:24,746
- Harry...
- Please.
996
01:01:24,750 --> 01:01:27,952
Jess, Marie,
do me a favour for your own good.
997
01:01:28,793 --> 01:01:31,115
Put your name
in your books right now
998
01:01:31,115 --> 01:01:33,198
before they get mixed up and
you don't know whose is whose,
999
01:01:33,198 --> 01:01:34,936
because some day,
believe it or not,
1000
01:01:34,936 --> 01:01:38,362
you'll go 15 rounds over
who's gonna get this coffee table.
1001
01:01:38,490 --> 01:01:43,712
This stupid, wagon-wheel,
Roy-Rogers, garage-sale coffee table!
1002
01:01:45,688 --> 01:01:49,657
- I thought you liked it.
- I was being nice!
1003
01:01:53,840 --> 01:01:55,942
He just bumped into Helen.
1004
01:02:03,479 --> 01:02:04,760
I want you to know...
1005
01:02:06,398 --> 01:02:10,574
that I will never want
that wagon-wheel coffee table.
1006
01:02:19,377 --> 01:02:21,735
I know, I know,
I shouldn't have done it.
1007
01:02:22,651 --> 01:02:24,727
Harry, you're gonna have
to try and find a way
1008
01:02:24,727 --> 01:02:27,572
of not expressing
every feeling that you have,
1009
01:02:27,572 --> 01:02:29,424
every moment
that you have them.
1010
01:02:29,424 --> 01:02:32,092
- Oh, really?
- Yes.
1011
01:02:32,271 --> 01:02:34,885
There are times
and places for things.
1012
01:02:35,875 --> 01:02:38,624
Well, the next time you're giving
a lecture series on social graces,
1013
01:02:38,624 --> 01:02:40,638
would you let know,
cause I'll sign up.
1014
01:02:41,009 --> 01:02:44,734
Hey! You don't have
to take your anger out on me.
1015
01:02:44,886 --> 01:02:47,199
Oh, I think I'm entitled
to throw a little anger your way.
1016
01:02:47,234 --> 01:02:51,073
Especially when I'm being told how
to live my life by Miss Hospital Corners.
1017
01:02:51,400 --> 01:02:55,122
- What's that supposed to mean?
- I mean, nothing bothers you!
1018
01:02:55,122 --> 01:02:58,535
- You never get upset about anything!
- Don't be ridiculous.
1019
01:02:58,779 --> 01:02:59,778
What?
1020
01:03:00,162 --> 01:03:03,560
You never get upset about Joe.
I never see that back up on you.
1021
01:03:03,560 --> 01:03:04,723
How is that possible?
1022
01:03:04,723 --> 01:03:07,146
Don't you experience
any feelings of loss?
1023
01:03:07,281 --> 01:03:09,364
I don't have to take
this crap from you.
1024
01:03:09,364 --> 01:03:11,729
If you're so over Joe,
why aren't you seeing anyone?
1025
01:03:11,729 --> 01:03:13,075
I see people!
1026
01:03:13,075 --> 01:03:16,408
See people... Have you slept with
one person since you broke up with Joe?
1027
01:03:16,424 --> 01:03:19,129
What the hell does that
have to do with anything?
1028
01:03:19,436 --> 01:03:22,782
That will prove I'm over Joe
because I fuck somebody?
1029
01:03:23,556 --> 01:03:25,474
Harry, you're gonna have
to move back to New Jersey
1030
01:03:25,474 --> 01:03:27,262
because you've slept
with everybody in New York
1031
01:03:27,262 --> 01:03:30,611
and I don't see that turning Helen
into a faint memory for you.
1032
01:03:31,117 --> 01:03:34,408
Besides, I will make love
to somebody when it is making love.
1033
01:03:34,408 --> 01:03:37,802
Not the way you do it,
like you're out for revenge or something.
1034
01:03:38,781 --> 01:03:42,875
- Are you finished now?
- Yes.
1035
01:03:43,388 --> 01:03:46,820
- Can I say something?
- Yes.
1036
01:03:50,073 --> 01:03:52,774
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
1037
01:04:03,888 --> 01:04:05,471
Don't say a word.
1038
01:04:09,997 --> 01:04:12,833
It's a monkey, it's a monkey.
Monkey see, monkey do.
1039
01:04:13,075 --> 01:04:15,663
- It's... it's an ape. Going ape.
- It's a baby!
1040
01:04:16,546 --> 01:04:17,645
Planet of the Apes!
1041
01:04:17,645 --> 01:04:19,099
Planet of the Apes?
She just said it's a baby!
1042
01:04:19,099 --> 01:04:20,133
How 'bout
Planet of the Dopes?
1043
01:04:20,133 --> 01:04:21,296
It doesn't look like a baby.
1044
01:04:21,296 --> 01:04:24,076
Bet up. Big mouth.
Mick Jagger is a baby!
1045
01:04:24,076 --> 01:04:26,559
- Baby ape! Baby ape!
- Stop with the apes, will you?
1046
01:04:26,559 --> 01:04:29,522
- Uh, baby's breath.
- Baby... Rosemary's Baby's mouth?
1047
01:04:30,049 --> 01:04:32,759
- "Won't You Come Home, Bill Baby?"
- Baby, baby... Kiss the baby!
1048
01:04:32,759 --> 01:04:34,116
"Melancholy Baby's Mouth"!
1049
01:04:34,116 --> 01:04:36,722
Baby fish... Baby-fish mouth!
Baby-fish mouth!
1050
01:04:38,131 --> 01:04:40,060
- 15 seconds.
- A big baby mouth.
1051
01:04:40,060 --> 01:04:42,316
- B-b-baby Boom!
- Baby...
1052
01:04:42,316 --> 01:04:44,635
Draw something
resembling anything!
1053
01:04:45,557 --> 01:04:48,662
- Crying baby. Kiss the baby.
- Baby spitting up... Exorcist Baby!
1054
01:04:49,505 --> 01:04:53,003
- Baby... "Yes, sir, that's my baby".
- "No, sir, don't mean maybe."
1055
01:04:53,038 --> 01:04:55,624
- That's it. Time's up.
- Baby talk.
1056
01:04:55,874 --> 01:04:59,354
Baby talk? Wh-wh-what's that?
That's not a saying.
1057
01:04:59,461 --> 01:05:02,937
Oh, but "baby-fish mouth" is sweeping
the nation. I hear them talking.
1058
01:05:03,455 --> 01:05:06,225
Final score. Our team: 110.
1059
01:05:06,225 --> 01:05:08,114
You guys: 60.
1060
01:05:08,284 --> 01:05:11,265
- Ouch. Fix. Definitely a fix.
- Pathetic.
1061
01:05:11,937 --> 01:05:16,378
- I can't draw.
- No, that's a baby, and it's clearly talking.
1062
01:05:17,104 --> 01:05:18,344
You're wonderful.
1063
01:05:19,160 --> 01:05:21,931
- All right, who wants coffee?
- I do, and I love you.
1064
01:05:21,931 --> 01:05:24,372
- D'you have any tea?
- Industrial strength.
1065
01:05:25,155 --> 01:05:27,767
- I'll help you. Decaf?
- Yeah.
1066
01:05:29,208 --> 01:05:30,735
- Three.
- Yes, please.
1067
01:05:31,134 --> 01:05:33,903
- Where's the bathroom?
- Through that door, down the hall.
1068
01:05:41,588 --> 01:05:43,226
Never looked
like a baby to me.
1069
01:05:43,346 --> 01:05:44,951
- Which part?
- All of it.
1070
01:05:45,090 --> 01:05:46,906
Hey, Jess, you were gonna show me
the cover of your new book.
1071
01:05:46,906 --> 01:05:48,685
Oh, yeah, yeah,
it's-it's in the den.
1072
01:05:48,720 --> 01:05:49,953
Look, uh, Julian,
help yourself.
1073
01:05:49,953 --> 01:05:52,742
Have some, uh, more wine,
whatever you like, okay?
1074
01:05:53,054 --> 01:05:55,487
I like saying "it's in the den".
It's got a nice ring to it.
1075
01:05:55,732 --> 01:05:58,466
Emily's a little young for Harry,
don't you think?
1076
01:05:58,722 --> 01:06:01,106
Well, she's young,
but look what she's done.
1077
01:06:01,527 --> 01:06:03,957
What has she done?
She makes desserts.
1078
01:06:04,289 --> 01:06:06,232
Does Julian seem
a little stuffy to you?
1079
01:06:06,232 --> 01:06:08,883
He's a good guy.
You should talk to 'im. Get to know 'im.
1080
01:06:08,918 --> 01:06:10,136
He's too tall to talk to.
1081
01:06:10,185 --> 01:06:13,312
She makes 3,500
chocolate-mousse pies a week.
1082
01:06:14,833 --> 01:06:16,841
Emily is "Aunt Emily"?
1083
01:06:16,985 --> 01:06:19,928
He took us all to a Met game
last week. It was great.
1084
01:06:19,963 --> 01:06:21,671
You all went
to a Met game together?
1085
01:06:21,671 --> 01:06:24,117
Yeah, but... but, yeah,
it was a last-minute thing.
1086
01:06:24,377 --> 01:06:25,742
But Sally hates baseball.
1087
01:06:25,742 --> 01:06:27,736
Harry doesn't even like sweets.
1088
01:06:28,199 --> 01:06:33,137
- Julian is great.
- I know. He's a grown-up.
1089
01:06:33,137 --> 01:06:34,276
Emily is terrific.
1090
01:06:34,276 --> 01:06:36,835
Yeah. Of course,
when I asked her where she was
1091
01:06:36,835 --> 01:06:39,392
when Kennedy was shot,
she said "Ted Kennedy was shot?"
1092
01:06:39,392 --> 01:06:40,413
No...
1093
01:06:52,158 --> 01:06:54,194
- Hello?
- Are you alone?
1094
01:06:54,424 --> 01:06:56,158
Yeah.
I was just finishing a book.
1095
01:06:56,472 --> 01:06:59,324
- Could you come over?
- What's the matter?
1096
01:06:59,824 --> 01:07:02,417
- He's getting married.
- Who?
1097
01:07:03,277 --> 01:07:04,319
Joe!
1098
01:07:05,316 --> 01:07:06,795
I'll be right there.
1099
01:07:11,234 --> 01:07:13,897
- Hi.
- You all right?
1100
01:07:16,690 --> 01:07:18,548
Come on in.
1101
01:07:21,734 --> 01:07:24,473
- I'm sorry to call you so late.
- It's all right.
1102
01:07:26,138 --> 01:07:28,418
- I need a Kleenex.
- Okay.
1103
01:07:28,635 --> 01:07:30,302
Okay. Okay.
1104
01:07:30,648 --> 01:07:33,218
He just called me up.
"Wanted to see how you were."
1105
01:07:33,365 --> 01:07:35,853
"Fine. How are you?"
"Fine."
1106
01:07:36,062 --> 01:07:38,997
His secretary's on vacation,
everything's all backed up.
1107
01:07:39,132 --> 01:07:43,413
He's got a big case in Newark...
blah, blah, blah.
1108
01:07:44,691 --> 01:07:49,153
And I'm sitting on the phone thinking
"I am over him, I really am over him,
1109
01:07:49,153 --> 01:07:52,511
I can't believe I was ever
remotely interested in any of this."
1110
01:07:54,286 --> 01:07:56,846
And then he said
"I have some news."
1111
01:08:01,307 --> 01:08:05,604
She works in his office. She's a paralegal.
Her name is Kimberly.
1112
01:08:07,526 --> 01:08:09,302
He just met her!
1113
01:08:09,629 --> 01:08:12,689
She's supposed to be
his transitional person,
1114
01:08:12,689 --> 01:08:15,374
she's not supposed
to be "the one"!
1115
01:08:20,694 --> 01:08:25,116
All this time, I've been saying...
that he didn't wanna get married.
1116
01:08:26,985 --> 01:08:31,329
But the truth is...
he didn't wanna marry me.
1117
01:08:35,171 --> 01:08:37,001
He didn't love me.
1118
01:08:41,349 --> 01:08:43,738
If you could take him back
right now, would you?
1119
01:08:46,125 --> 01:08:47,403
No!
1120
01:08:48,190 --> 01:08:50,856
But why didn't he
wanna marry me?
1121
01:08:51,489 --> 01:08:54,354
- What's the matter with me?
- Nothing.
1122
01:08:54,588 --> 01:08:56,857
- I'm difficult.
- You're challenging.
1123
01:08:57,028 --> 01:09:00,060
I'm too structured.
I'm completely closed off.
1124
01:09:00,060 --> 01:09:05,003
- But in a good way.
- No, no, no. I drove him away.
1125
01:09:07,354 --> 01:09:11,214
- And I'm gonna be 40!
- When?
1126
01:09:12,351 --> 01:09:14,853
- Some day.
- In eight years.
1127
01:09:15,230 --> 01:09:20,287
But it's there! It's just sitting there
like this big dead end.
1128
01:09:21,464 --> 01:09:23,264
And it's not the same for men.
1129
01:09:23,867 --> 01:09:27,069
Charlie Chaplin had babies
when he was 73.
1130
01:09:27,069 --> 01:09:29,090
Yeah, but he was too old
to pick 'em up.
1131
01:09:35,523 --> 01:09:37,711
Ohh, come here.
Come here.
1132
01:09:37,941 --> 01:09:42,169
It's gonna be okay.
It's gonna be fine, you'll see.
1133
01:09:43,506 --> 01:09:46,219
Go ahead. It's not one
of my favourites anyway.
1134
01:09:48,526 --> 01:09:51,114
It's gonna be okay. Hm?
1135
01:09:56,939 --> 01:10:00,039
Hm? Okay? Okay.
1136
01:10:04,013 --> 01:10:05,283
I'll make some tea.
1137
01:10:05,283 --> 01:10:08,080
Harry, could you just
hold me a little longer?
1138
01:10:07,209 --> 01:10:09,565
Oh, sure.
1139
01:10:16,156 --> 01:10:17,797
Okay? Hm?
1140
01:10:50,155 --> 01:10:52,851
- Are you comfortable?
- Sure.
1141
01:10:58,948 --> 01:11:01,189
D'you want something
to drink or something?
1142
01:11:01,189 --> 01:11:03,040
No, I'm okay.
1143
01:11:04,180 --> 01:11:07,564
I'm gonna get up for some water,
so it's really no trouble.
1144
01:11:08,053 --> 01:11:10,374
Okay. Water.
1145
01:12:05,540 --> 01:12:09,173
You have all your video tapes
alphabetized and on index cards.
1146
01:12:10,524 --> 01:12:11,831
Thank you.
1147
01:12:12,176 --> 01:12:15,740
- D'you wanna watch something?
- No. Not unless you do.
1148
01:12:16,141 --> 01:12:18,370
No. That's okay.
1149
01:12:32,355 --> 01:12:36,066
- D'you wanna go to sleep?
- Okay.
1150
01:13:10,257 --> 01:13:14,481
- Where are you going?
- I gotta go.
1151
01:13:16,289 --> 01:13:18,031
Gotta go home,
I gotta change my clothes
1152
01:13:18,031 --> 01:13:19,873
and then I have to go to work.
And so do you.
1153
01:13:19,908 --> 01:13:23,185
But after work, I'd like to take you out
to dinner, if you're free. Are you free?
1154
01:13:23,636 --> 01:13:26,213
- Yes.
- Fine. I'll call you later.
1155
01:13:26,857 --> 01:13:29,380
- Fine.
- Fine.
1156
01:13:48,198 --> 01:13:50,536
- Yours.
- Hello.
1157
01:13:50,536 --> 01:13:52,911
- I'm sorry to call so early.
- Are you all right?
1158
01:13:52,911 --> 01:13:54,321
No one I know
would call at this hour.
1159
01:13:54,321 --> 01:13:56,578
- I did something terrible.
- What did you do?
1160
01:13:56,613 --> 01:13:58,560
- No one I know would call at this hour.
- It's so awful.
1161
01:13:58,560 --> 01:14:00,102
- I need to talk.
- What happened?
1162
01:14:00,102 --> 01:14:00,692
What's the matter?
1163
01:14:00,692 --> 01:14:02,925
- Harry came over last night.
- I went over to Sally's last night.
1164
01:14:02,925 --> 01:14:04,648
Because I was upset that
Joe was getting married.
1165
01:14:04,649 --> 01:14:05,574
And one thing led to another.
1166
01:14:05,574 --> 01:14:07,204
And before I knew,
we were kissing. And then...
1167
01:14:07,204 --> 01:14:08,248
To make a long story short...
1168
01:14:08,248 --> 01:14:08,956
- We did it.
- We did it.
1169
01:14:08,956 --> 01:14:10,069
They did it!
1170
01:14:10,142 --> 01:14:12,641
- That's great, Sally!
- We've been praying for it.
1171
01:14:12,641 --> 01:14:13,956
You should've done it
in the first place.
1172
01:14:13,956 --> 01:14:15,402
For months we've been saying
you should do it.
1173
01:14:14,532 --> 01:14:18,077
- You guys belong together.
- It's like killing two birds with one stone.
1174
01:14:18,097 --> 01:14:19,909
It's like two wrongs
make a right.
1175
01:14:19,909 --> 01:14:20,880
- How was it?
- How was it?
1176
01:14:20,880 --> 01:14:22,592
- The durring part was good...
- The durring part was good...
1177
01:14:22,592 --> 01:14:24,435
- ... but then I felt suffocated.
- ... then I guess it wasn't.
1178
01:14:24,435 --> 01:14:25,941
- Jesus, I'm sorry.
- The worst.
1179
01:14:25,941 --> 01:14:27,607
- I had to get outta there.
- He just disappeared.
1180
01:14:27,607 --> 01:14:29,345
- I feel so bad.
- I'm so embarrassed.
1181
01:14:29,345 --> 01:14:30,099
I don't blame you.
1182
01:14:30,099 --> 01:14:31,340
- That's horrible.
- I think I'm coming down with something.
1183
01:14:31,340 --> 01:14:32,687
I think I'm catching a cold.
1184
01:14:32,687 --> 01:14:34,891
Look, it would have been great
if it worked out, but it didn't.
1185
01:14:34,891 --> 01:14:36,410
I should never
go to bed with anyone
1186
01:14:36,410 --> 01:14:38,381
when you found out
your ex-boyfriend is getting married.
1187
01:14:37,509 --> 01:14:39,382
- Who's that talking?
- Who?
1188
01:14:39,383 --> 01:14:40,383
Is that Jess on the phone?
1189
01:14:39,511 --> 01:14:42,658
- It's Jane Fonda on the VCR.
- It's Bryan Gumble.
1190
01:14:42,658 --> 01:14:44,364
D'you wanna
come over for breakfast?
1191
01:14:44,396 --> 01:14:46,596
- No, I'm not up to it.
- No, I feel too awful.
1192
01:14:46,780 --> 01:14:48,970
- Good.
- I-I mean, it's so early.
1193
01:14:48,970 --> 01:14:51,657
- But call me later if you want.
- I'll call you later, okay?
1194
01:14:51,657 --> 01:14:52,854
- Okay. Bye.
- Bye.
1195
01:14:52,854 --> 01:14:54,276
- Bye.
- Bye.
1196
01:14:56,035 --> 01:14:58,825
- God!
- I know.
1197
01:14:59,908 --> 01:15:02,235
Tell me I'll never have
to be out there again.
1198
01:15:06,265 --> 01:15:08,789
You will never have
to be out there again.
1199
01:15:12,462 --> 01:15:14,375
I'll just say
we made a mistake.
1200
01:15:15,702 --> 01:15:18,616
Sally... it was a mistake.
1201
01:15:20,803 --> 01:15:23,213
I just hope
I get to say it first.
1202
01:15:24,206 --> 01:15:26,731
I hope she says it
before I do.
1203
01:15:29,805 --> 01:15:33,845
- It was a mistake.
- I am so relieved that you think so, too.
1204
01:15:35,354 --> 01:15:37,623
I'm not saying
last night wasn't great.
1205
01:15:38,171 --> 01:15:41,047
- It was.
- Yes, it was.
1206
01:15:42,358 --> 01:15:45,737
- We just never should have done it.
- I couldn't agree more.
1207
01:15:46,153 --> 01:15:49,394
- I'm so relieved.
- Great.
1208
01:15:49,536 --> 01:15:50,565
Yeah.
1209
01:15:54,019 --> 01:15:55,512
Two mixed green salads.
1210
01:16:25,455 --> 01:16:29,835
It is so nice when you can sit
with someone and not have to talk. Hmm?
1211
01:16:34,131 --> 01:16:36,346
It's just like, most of the time,
you go to bed with someone,
1212
01:16:36,883 --> 01:16:40,188
then she tells you all her stories,
you tell her your stories...
1213
01:16:41,379 --> 01:16:44,494
But with Sally and me,
we'd already heard each other's stories.
1214
01:16:45,074 --> 01:16:47,947
So once we went to bed, we didn't know
what we were supposed to do.
1215
01:16:47,947 --> 01:16:50,453
- You know?
- Sure, Harry.
1216
01:16:52,108 --> 01:16:53,384
I don't know.
1217
01:16:53,813 --> 01:16:55,721
Maybe you get to a certain point
in a relationship
1218
01:16:55,721 --> 01:16:58,868
where it's just too late
to have sex. You know?
1219
01:17:09,244 --> 01:17:11,241
Is Harry bringing anyone
to the wedding?
1220
01:17:11,824 --> 01:17:13,338
I don't think so.
1221
01:17:15,051 --> 01:17:20,518
- Is he seeing anyone?
- He was seeing this anthropologist, but...
1222
01:17:21,514 --> 01:17:25,638
- What does she look like?
- Thin, pretty, big tits.
1223
01:17:25,926 --> 01:17:27,793
Your basic nightmare.
1224
01:17:32,145 --> 01:17:33,808
What d'you think?
1225
01:17:35,569 --> 01:17:37,316
Oh, Marie...
1226
01:17:38,467 --> 01:17:44,096
- Tell the truth.
- It's just beautiful.
1227
01:18:15,789 --> 01:18:21,525
We are gathered here today to celebrate
the marriage of Marie... and Jess.
1228
01:18:22,338 --> 01:18:25,406
And to consecrate
their vows of matrimony.
1229
01:18:25,663 --> 01:18:29,027
The vows they will take
join their lives.
1230
01:18:29,410 --> 01:18:34,512
The wine they will share
binds all their hopes together.
1231
01:18:34,652 --> 01:18:36,654
And by the rings
they will wear,
1232
01:18:36,915 --> 01:18:41,710
they will be known to all
as husband and wife.
1233
01:18:52,352 --> 01:18:56,327
I've never seen her so happy.
She's a totally different person.
1234
01:18:56,327 --> 01:19:00,494
Oh, yeah, she is. It's great,
but what're we gonna do about you?
1235
01:19:01,077 --> 01:19:01,865
- Me?
- Hon!
1236
01:19:01,865 --> 01:19:03,115
- Yeah.
- Wanna dance?
1237
01:19:03,347 --> 01:19:06,129
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, I do.
- Excuse us.
1238
01:19:09,475 --> 01:19:11,782
- Hi.
- Hello.
1239
01:19:15,832 --> 01:19:18,821
- Nice ceremony.
- Beautiful.
1240
01:19:21,537 --> 01:19:24,208
Boy, the holidays are rough.
Every year I just try to get
1241
01:19:24,208 --> 01:19:26,906
from the day before Thanksgiving
to the day after New Year's.
1242
01:19:26,941 --> 01:19:28,835
A lot of suicides.
1243
01:19:30,306 --> 01:19:33,450
- Would you like a pea pod with shrimp?
- Thank you.
1244
01:19:34,844 --> 01:19:36,736
- How've you been?
- Fine.
1245
01:19:37,662 --> 01:19:39,615
- Are you seeing anybody?
- Harry.
1246
01:19:39,615 --> 01:19:41,499
- What?
- I don't wanna talk about this.
1247
01:19:41,499 --> 01:19:44,792
- Why not?
- I don't want to talk about it.
1248
01:19:45,240 --> 01:19:47,938
Why can't we get past this?
I mean, are we gonna
1249
01:19:47,938 --> 01:19:49,551
carry this thing around forever?
1250
01:19:49,551 --> 01:19:53,623
- Forever? It just happened!
- It happened three weeks ago.
1251
01:19:54,280 --> 01:19:57,649
You know how a year to a person
is like seven years to a dog?
1252
01:19:58,299 --> 01:19:59,173
Yes.
1253
01:20:02,303 --> 01:20:05,502
Is one of us supposed
to be a dog in this scenario?
1254
01:20:05,609 --> 01:20:08,062
- Yes.
- Who is the dog?
1255
01:20:08,215 --> 01:20:11,383
- You are.
- I am. I am the dog!
1256
01:20:11,383 --> 01:20:13,648
- Mmm-hmm.
- I am the dog! I...
1257
01:20:20,048 --> 01:20:23,084
I don't see that, Harry.
If anybody is the dog, you are the dog.
1258
01:20:23,084 --> 01:20:25,401
You wanna act like what happened
didn't mean anything.
1259
01:20:24,537 --> 01:20:26,812
I'm not saying
it didn't mean anything,
1260
01:20:26,812 --> 01:20:28,594
I'm saying why does it
have to mean everything?
1261
01:20:28,594 --> 01:20:31,039
Because it does!
And you should know that
1262
01:20:31,039 --> 01:20:32,969
better than anybody,
because the minute that it happens
1263
01:20:32,969 --> 01:20:34,128
you walk right out the door!
1264
01:20:34,128 --> 01:20:37,075
- I didn't walk out.
- No, sprinted is more like it.
1265
01:20:37,202 --> 01:20:40,313
- We both agreed it was a mistake.
- The worst mistake I ever made!
1266
01:20:42,382 --> 01:20:44,800
- What do you want from me?
- I don't want anything from you.
1267
01:20:44,800 --> 01:20:46,821
Fine. Fine. But let's
just get one thing straight.
1268
01:20:46,821 --> 01:20:49,053
I did not go over there that night
to make love to you.
1269
01:20:49,053 --> 01:20:50,527
That is not why I went there.
1270
01:20:50,527 --> 01:20:52,467
But you looked up at me
with these big weepy eyes.
1271
01:20:52,467 --> 01:20:54,840
"Don't go home tonight, Harry.
Hold me a little longer, Harry."
1272
01:20:54,840 --> 01:20:56,085
What was I supposed to do?
1273
01:20:56,351 --> 01:20:58,899
What are you saying?
You took pity on me?
1274
01:20:58,899 --> 01:21:00,853
- No. I was...
- Fuck you!
1275
01:21:04,880 --> 01:21:07,918
Everybody, could I... have
your attention, please?
1276
01:21:08,052 --> 01:21:12,227
I'd like to propose a toast.
To Harry and Sally.
1277
01:21:12,702 --> 01:21:14,130
To Harry and Sally.
1278
01:21:14,460 --> 01:21:18,442
If Marie or I had found
either of them remotely attractive,
1279
01:21:19,125 --> 01:21:21,239
we would not be here today.
1280
01:22:08,996 --> 01:22:11,620
Hi, it's me.
It's the holiday season,
1281
01:22:11,620 --> 01:22:12,715
and I thought I'd remind you
1282
01:22:12,715 --> 01:22:15,430
that this is the season
of charity and forgiveness.
1283
01:22:15,430 --> 01:22:19,858
And, although it's not widely known,
it is also the season of grovelling.
1284
01:22:20,243 --> 01:22:22,212
So, if you felt
like calling me back,
1285
01:22:22,724 --> 01:22:26,719
I'd be more than happy to do
the traditional Christmas grovelling.
1286
01:22:26,891 --> 01:22:28,325
Give me a call.
1287
01:22:44,921 --> 01:22:47,234
Hi, I'm not home right now.
I'll call you right back.
1288
01:22:47,811 --> 01:22:51,035
If you're there, please pick up
the phone. I really wanna talk to you.
1289
01:22:54,514 --> 01:22:56,751
The fact that you're not answering
leads me to believe
1290
01:22:56,751 --> 01:23:01,603
you're either, A: not at home,
B: home, but don't wanna talk to me,
1291
01:23:01,906 --> 01:23:04,674
or C: home, desperately
wanna talk to me,
1292
01:23:04,674 --> 01:23:07,113
but trapped
under something heavy.
1293
01:23:07,414 --> 01:23:10,141
If it's either A or C,
please call me back.
1294
01:23:12,830 --> 01:23:14,454
Obviously she doesn't
wanna talk to me.
1295
01:23:14,454 --> 01:23:16,567
What do I have to do,
be hit over the head?
1296
01:23:16,923 --> 01:23:18,630
If she wants to call me,
she'll call me.
1297
01:23:19,063 --> 01:23:20,713
I'm through making
a schmuck out of myself.
1298
01:23:21,406 --> 01:23:24,394
If you're feeling
sad and lonely
1299
01:23:24,394 --> 01:23:28,214
There's a service
I can render
1300
01:23:28,214 --> 01:23:30,977
Tell the one
who digs you only
1301
01:23:31,396 --> 01:23:34,408
I can be
so warm and tender
1302
01:23:34,783 --> 01:23:36,048
Call me.
1303
01:23:36,355 --> 01:23:39,713
Maybe it's late
to just call me
1304
01:23:40,174 --> 01:23:43,681
Don't be afraid
to just phone moi
1305
01:23:43,681 --> 01:23:47,767
Call me
and I'll be around
1306
01:23:47,767 --> 01:23:49,098
Give me a call.
1307
01:23:49,293 --> 01:23:51,857
- Hi, Harry.
- Hello. Hi! Hi!
1308
01:23:51,965 --> 01:23:54,561
I di... I didn't know that you would...
That you were there.
1309
01:23:54,920 --> 01:23:57,641
- What're you doing?
- I was just on my way out.
1310
01:23:57,641 --> 01:23:58,878
Where you going?
1311
01:24:00,416 --> 01:24:03,202
- What d'you want, Harry?
- Nothing. Nothing.
1312
01:24:03,202 --> 01:24:06,582
I... I... just called
to say I'm sorry.
1313
01:24:08,412 --> 01:24:09,791
Okay.
1314
01:24:17,229 --> 01:24:20,066
- I gotta go.
- Wait a second. Wait... wait a second.
1315
01:24:20,997 --> 01:24:23,788
What're you doin' for New Year's?
Are you going to the Tylers' party?
1316
01:24:23,788 --> 01:24:25,298
Cause I don't have a date.
1317
01:24:25,492 --> 01:24:26,444
And if you don't have a date,
1318
01:24:26,444 --> 01:24:28,742
we always said that if
neither one of us had a date,
1319
01:24:28,742 --> 01:24:31,627
we could be together
for New Year's and kick in, you know...
1320
01:24:31,627 --> 01:24:35,227
I can't do this any more.
I am not your consolation prize.
1321
01:24:35,499 --> 01:24:36,954
Goodbye.
1322
01:24:46,438 --> 01:24:48,543
And here we are
once again.
1323
01:24:48,543 --> 01:24:53,622
The 16th annual "New Year's
Rockin' Eve", coming to you live...
1324
01:24:54,020 --> 01:24:57,627
What's so bad about this?
You got Dick Clark. That's tradition.
1325
01:24:57,627 --> 01:25:00,206
You got Mallomars,
the greatest cookie of all time.
1326
01:25:00,241 --> 01:25:04,746
And you're about to give the Knicks
their first championship since 1973.
1327
01:25:22,845 --> 01:25:24,947
I don't know why I let you
drag me to this.
1328
01:25:29,549 --> 01:25:33,794
This is much better. Fresh air,
I've the streets all to myself.
1329
01:25:34,377 --> 01:25:36,412
Who needs to be
at a big, crowded party,
1330
01:25:36,412 --> 01:25:38,106
pretending
to have a good time?
1331
01:25:38,388 --> 01:25:41,521
Plus, this is the perfect time
to catch up on my window-shopping.
1332
01:25:42,404 --> 01:25:43,493
This is good.
1333
01:25:55,689 --> 01:25:58,672
So the guy says...
"Read the card."
1334
01:26:08,856 --> 01:26:11,444
- I'm going home.
- You'll never get a taxi.
1335
01:26:13,006 --> 01:26:14,439
Oh, God!
1336
01:26:41,886 --> 01:26:44,186
You realize, of course, that
we could never be friends.
1337
01:26:44,603 --> 01:26:46,697
- Why not?
- What I'm saying
1338
01:26:46,697 --> 01:26:48,782
is that men and women
can't be friends,
1339
01:26:48,782 --> 01:26:51,124
because the sex part
always gets in the way.
1340
01:26:51,124 --> 01:26:52,198
That's not true!
1341
01:26:52,340 --> 01:26:55,047
No man can be friends
with a woman he finds attractive.
1342
01:26:55,047 --> 01:26:56,812
He always wants
to have sex with her.
1343
01:26:57,054 --> 01:26:59,268
What if they don't wanna
have sex with you?
1344
01:26:58,393 --> 01:27:01,678
Doesn't matter. Because
the sex thing is already out there,
1345
01:27:01,678 --> 01:27:03,151
so the friendship
is ultimately doomed.
1346
01:27:03,151 --> 01:27:05,205
And that is
the end of the story.
1347
01:27:05,853 --> 01:27:07,783
Well, I guess
we're not gonna be friends then.
1348
01:27:07,783 --> 01:27:09,912
- Guess not.
- That's too bad.
1349
01:27:10,489 --> 01:27:12,847
You were the only person
that I knew in New York.
1350
01:28:00,389 --> 01:28:03,262
- I'm going.
- It's almost midnight.
1351
01:28:03,994 --> 01:28:06,561
The thought of
not kissing somebody is just...
1352
01:28:06,562 --> 01:28:07,961
I'll kiss you.
1353
01:28:08,595 --> 01:28:10,714
Hey, taxi! Taxi!
1354
01:28:11,396 --> 01:28:12,375
Taxi!
1355
01:28:13,473 --> 01:28:14,586
Shit.
1356
01:28:16,164 --> 01:28:20,366
- Come on, stay. Please.
- Thanks, Jess. I just... I have to go.
1357
01:28:20,667 --> 01:28:23,264
- Oh, wait two minutes.
- I'll call you tomorrow.
1358
01:29:03,405 --> 01:29:06,431
I've been doin' a lot of thinkin',
and the thing is... I love you.
1359
01:29:07,485 --> 01:29:09,800
- What?
- I love you.
1360
01:29:10,566 --> 01:29:12,946
How d'you expect me
to respond to this?
1361
01:29:13,145 --> 01:29:15,145
How 'bout
you love me, too?
1362
01:29:15,435 --> 01:29:17,170
How 'bout I'm leaving?
1363
01:29:17,170 --> 01:29:19,338
Doesn't what I said
mean anything to you?
1364
01:29:19,554 --> 01:29:22,378
I'm sorry, Harry.
I know it's New Year's Eve,
1365
01:29:22,378 --> 01:29:23,753
I know you're feeling lonely,
1366
01:29:23,753 --> 01:29:26,518
but you just can't show up here,
tell me you love me
1367
01:29:26,518 --> 01:29:28,604
and expect that
to make everything all right.
1368
01:29:29,058 --> 01:29:32,133
- It doesn't work this way.
- Well, how does it work?
1369
01:29:32,569 --> 01:29:36,170
- I don't know, but not this way.
- How 'bout this way?
1370
01:29:36,618 --> 01:29:39,479
I love that you get cold
when it's 71 degrees out.
1371
01:29:39,514 --> 01:29:42,333
I love that it takes you an hour
and a half to order a sandwich.
1372
01:29:42,368 --> 01:29:44,224
I love that you get
a little crinkle above your nose
1373
01:29:44,224 --> 01:29:45,643
when you're looking at me
like I'm nuts.
1374
01:29:44,776 --> 01:29:47,534
I love that after
I spend a day with you,
1375
01:29:47,534 --> 01:29:49,618
I can still smell
your perfume on my clothes.
1376
01:29:49,618 --> 01:29:51,942
And I love that
you are the last person
1377
01:29:51,942 --> 01:29:54,172
I wanna talk to
before I go to sleep at night.
1378
01:29:54,470 --> 01:29:58,151
And it's not because I'm lonely,
and it's not because it's New Year's Eve.
1379
01:29:58,272 --> 01:30:00,480
I came here tonight because,
when you realize
1380
01:30:00,480 --> 01:30:02,688
you wanna spend
the rest of your life with somebody,
1381
01:30:02,723 --> 01:30:05,719
you want the rest of your life
to start as soon as possible.
1382
01:30:09,548 --> 01:30:10,543
You see?
1383
01:30:12,266 --> 01:30:14,442
That is just like you, Harry.
1384
01:30:14,442 --> 01:30:18,798
You say things like that and you make it
impossible for me to hate you!
1385
01:30:19,969 --> 01:30:21,966
And I hate you, Harry.
1386
01:30:23,861 --> 01:30:25,736
I really hate you.
1387
01:30:30,360 --> 01:30:31,506
I hate you.
1388
01:30:49,309 --> 01:30:52,871
What does this song mean? My whole life,
I don't know what this song means.
1389
01:30:52,993 --> 01:30:54,556
I mean "Should auld acquaintance
be forgot",
1390
01:30:54,556 --> 01:30:56,607
does that mean that we
should forget old acquaintance?
1391
01:30:56,607 --> 01:30:58,307
Or does it mean that
we haven't to forget them,
1392
01:30:58,307 --> 01:30:59,066
we should remember them?
1393
01:30:59,066 --> 01:31:01,070
Which is not possible
because we already forgot 'em.
1394
01:31:01,704 --> 01:31:04,394
Well, maybe it just means
that... we should remember
1395
01:31:04,394 --> 01:31:06,406
that we forgot them,
or something.
1396
01:31:08,799 --> 01:31:11,086
Anyway,
it's about old friends.
1397
01:31:18,888 --> 01:31:21,063
The first time we met
we hated each other.
1398
01:31:21,334 --> 01:31:23,794
No, you didn't hate me.
I hated you.
1399
01:31:24,011 --> 01:31:26,222
The second time we met,
you didn't even remember me.
1400
01:31:25,357 --> 01:31:28,206
I did, too!
I remembered you.
1401
01:31:28,711 --> 01:31:31,304
The third time we met,
we became friends.
1402
01:31:31,511 --> 01:31:34,567
- We were friends for a long time.
- And then we weren't.
1403
01:31:35,002 --> 01:31:36,980
And then we fell in love.
1404
01:31:37,772 --> 01:31:40,876
- Three months later we got married.
- It only took three months.
1405
01:31:41,540 --> 01:31:43,058
Twelve years
and three months.
1406
01:31:43,378 --> 01:31:45,549
We had this really really
wonderful wedding.
1407
01:31:45,549 --> 01:31:47,169
It was... it really was a...
1408
01:31:47,169 --> 01:31:47,901
- ... a beautiful wedding.
- It was great.
1409
01:31:47,901 --> 01:31:50,177
We had
this enormous... coconut cake.
1410
01:31:50,177 --> 01:31:52,654
Huge coconut cake
with the... with the tiers
1411
01:31:52,654 --> 01:31:55,544
and there was this-thid very rich
chocolate sauce on the side...
1412
01:31:55,738 --> 01:31:59,350
Right. Cause not everybody likes it
on the cake cause it makes it very soggy.
1413
01:31:59,350 --> 01:32:01,361
Particularly,
the coconut soaks up a lot,
1414
01:32:01,361 --> 01:32:03,625
so you really... it's important
to keep it on the side.
1415
01:32:03,660 --> 01:32:04,009
Right.