1 00:00:44,563 --> 00:00:45,962 Cut! 2 00:00:46,043 --> 00:00:49,433 - Oh, for fuck's sake. - Okay, we'll get it on that, thank you. 3 00:00:53,722 --> 00:00:55,519 - Was I in it? - I don't know. 4 00:00:55,602 --> 00:00:58,753 No, I wasn't in it. What is the point in getting all tarted up like this 5 00:00:58,842 --> 00:01:02,116 - if you're not going to make it to the scene? - You look quite dapper. 6 00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:05,510 - It's a Nazi uniform. - I know. It's a bit natty, though, isn't it? 7 00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:08,034 - Natty? - I bet it's more comfortable than this. 8 00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:10,269 This is riding up my clunge. 9 00:01:10,359 --> 00:01:14,034 Can you imagine hiding from the Gestapo for weeks on end dressed like this? 10 00:01:14,119 --> 00:01:16,269 Yeah, it must have been awful. 11 00:01:16,359 --> 00:01:19,874 - It's actually very slimming that. - Yeah? I'll wear it out Friday night. 12 00:01:19,959 --> 00:01:22,108 She's right. I can see what she means. 13 00:01:22,198 --> 00:01:23,995 Yeah? You think I look good in this? 14 00:01:24,078 --> 00:01:27,832 You should see me with a white sheet over my head setting fire to a cross. 15 00:01:28,757 --> 00:01:30,553 - Who's that? - Not sure. 16 00:01:30,636 --> 00:01:32,149 Seems nice. 17 00:01:32,756 --> 00:01:35,634 I've got to get out of this, it's doing my back in. 18 00:01:37,556 --> 00:01:40,468 Okay, take care moving on now. Thanks, chaps. 19 00:01:47,875 --> 00:01:51,583 - Do you know what worries me? - Don't know. 20 00:01:51,674 --> 00:01:53,904 Where do baby ants go to school? Go on. 21 00:01:53,994 --> 00:01:57,827 No, all these people going about pretending to be nuns. 22 00:01:57,913 --> 00:02:00,427 - What do you mean? - Do you think that's right? 23 00:02:00,513 --> 00:02:02,104 - It's a film. - I know. 24 00:02:02,192 --> 00:02:05,184 But they're all wandering around as holy ladies. 25 00:02:05,272 --> 00:02:07,911 Wouldn't that offend God or someone? 26 00:02:07,992 --> 00:02:10,552 - Offend God or someone? - Does it not worry you a bit? 27 00:02:10,632 --> 00:02:13,225 No. What, offending God? I'm an atheist. 28 00:02:13,311 --> 00:02:16,223 What one's that? Is that the one where you haven't decided what... 29 00:02:16,311 --> 00:02:19,269 No, that's agnostic. I'm an atheist. I firmly believe there is no God. 30 00:02:19,351 --> 00:02:22,342 - Why? - Wh... The burden of proof is not on me. 31 00:02:22,430 --> 00:02:24,739 The burden of proof is on the people who say there is a God. 32 00:02:24,830 --> 00:02:27,059 I don't believe in God, I believe in science. 33 00:02:27,149 --> 00:02:30,858 Do you not believe in anything like ghosts or spirits or anything? 34 00:02:30,949 --> 00:02:36,068 No, I don't believe in ghosts or spirits or elves. Certainly not God, no. 35 00:02:36,148 --> 00:02:39,060 So what do you think happens when you die? 36 00:02:39,148 --> 00:02:42,856 Well, if you're buried, you go in the ground and you're worm food. 37 00:02:42,947 --> 00:02:44,824 See, I don't like that. 38 00:02:44,907 --> 00:02:50,504 I would rather believe that there is a God and your soul just floats away on to eternity. 39 00:02:50,627 --> 00:02:54,221 All your friends from school will be there, all the ones you haven't seen for ages, 40 00:02:54,306 --> 00:02:56,978 and all your dead pets and just, like, all nice people. 41 00:02:57,065 --> 00:02:59,215 You don't have to worry about worms. 42 00:03:00,785 --> 00:03:02,695 You believe in God, then. 43 00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:06,093 I think I need to go for a wee. 44 00:03:06,184 --> 00:03:08,015 Oh, that's the third one already. 45 00:03:08,104 --> 00:03:10,823 Good. Well, keep me posted throughout the week. 46 00:03:10,904 --> 00:03:12,541 Maybe keep a journal. 47 00:03:34,500 --> 00:03:36,058 Oh, God! 48 00:03:36,140 --> 00:03:38,290 - What have you done? - What? 49 00:03:38,380 --> 00:03:40,211 What's happened? Are you all right? 50 00:03:40,300 --> 00:03:44,929 No, I've got cerebral palsy. Don't worry. 51 00:03:45,019 --> 00:03:46,452 Oh, good. 52 00:03:47,699 --> 00:03:51,851 - I thought you'd had a fall or something. - No, I'm cool. Really. 53 00:03:51,939 --> 00:03:53,690 Oh, hello, then. I'm Maggie. 54 00:03:53,778 --> 00:03:56,530 I'm Suzanne again and this is my sister Fran. 55 00:03:56,617 --> 00:03:58,414 - Hello. - Good to meet you. 56 00:03:59,537 --> 00:04:02,768 - Are you in this as well? - Oh, she's just here to watch. 57 00:04:02,856 --> 00:04:07,452 - I was going to say... - Oh, I have a bit of spare time, you know, 58 00:04:07,536 --> 00:04:11,290 because my tap dancing class was cancelled so... 59 00:04:12,016 --> 00:04:13,733 Right. 60 00:04:13,815 --> 00:04:16,010 Joke, tap dancing, me. 61 00:04:16,095 --> 00:04:18,325 Right. Yeah, yeah. 62 00:04:21,935 --> 00:04:24,288 - I've got a question about your props. - Go on. 63 00:04:24,373 --> 00:04:27,604 - Where's all this stuff come from? - You just buy it. 64 00:04:29,013 --> 00:04:32,005 What, there's a shop for a 30 foot swastika is there? 65 00:04:32,093 --> 00:04:34,686 No, I got that from home. It's my Nan's. 66 00:04:35,572 --> 00:04:36,925 Here she is. 67 00:04:37,012 --> 00:04:38,206 - All right? - Yeah. 68 00:04:39,612 --> 00:04:41,443 Hey, do you want to have lunch with us later? 69 00:04:41,532 --> 00:04:44,648 I can't. I've got to go and see my fool of an agent. 70 00:04:44,731 --> 00:04:47,962 - Still going well, is it? - I went in the other day, right, 71 00:04:48,051 --> 00:04:51,839 and he said to me, "Andy," he said, "if I don't get a decent client soon, 72 00:04:51,931 --> 00:04:55,239 "I'm going to have to go full time at The Carphone Warehouse." 73 00:04:55,329 --> 00:04:56,682 Unbelievable. 74 00:04:56,769 --> 00:04:59,124 - Here, got to go. - See you later. 75 00:04:59,209 --> 00:05:01,848 - Go and move some props around. - Will do. 76 00:05:03,848 --> 00:05:05,964 - Going well, is it? - Yeah, it's good. 77 00:05:06,048 --> 00:05:08,562 That's longer than a day you've been going out with this one. 78 00:05:08,648 --> 00:05:11,037 - Three weeks. - That has got to be a record for you. 79 00:05:11,128 --> 00:05:13,881 - Cheekiness. - No, well done. Good bloke. 80 00:05:13,968 --> 00:05:16,356 - Well, I'm glad you like him. - Yeah, good. 81 00:05:17,487 --> 00:05:19,364 - What? - Nothing. 82 00:05:19,447 --> 00:05:20,926 - Married? - No. 83 00:05:21,007 --> 00:05:22,758 - Gay? - No! 84 00:05:23,966 --> 00:05:25,762 It is something, though. 85 00:05:27,085 --> 00:05:29,599 He likes to talk dirty on the phone. 86 00:05:30,285 --> 00:05:33,675 He'll call me up and he's coming out with all this filth. 87 00:05:34,444 --> 00:05:36,833 Why would you tell me that? 88 00:05:38,964 --> 00:05:41,194 What does he say? What does he say? 89 00:05:41,764 --> 00:05:44,437 He calls up and says things like... 90 00:05:44,523 --> 00:05:47,356 "Ooh, what are you doing?" 91 00:05:47,443 --> 00:05:48,922 What do you say? 92 00:05:49,003 --> 00:05:52,756 I didn't know what was going on at first, didn't realise, and I was just honest with him 93 00:05:52,842 --> 00:05:56,834 and I said, "I'm just cleaning out the vegetable drawer of the fridge." 94 00:05:56,921 --> 00:05:58,912 Well, he probably thought that was a euphemism. 95 00:05:59,001 --> 00:06:02,994 "Oh, I'm cleaning out my vegetable drawer." "Oh, I am scrubbing my front step." 96 00:06:03,081 --> 00:06:04,911 - Have you talked dirty back to him? - No. 97 00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:06,353 - Have you? - No, I have not. 98 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:08,715 I don't know what to say to him. It's too embarrassing. 99 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:12,509 - Yeah. - What if I say something and he laughs at me 100 00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:16,148 or something and it's too much and he gets all offended? 101 00:06:16,239 --> 00:06:20,437 Well, no, it's just all stuff like, "Oh, I'm playing with myself." 102 00:06:20,519 --> 00:06:22,554 Oh, that sounds interesting. 103 00:06:22,638 --> 00:06:26,266 - Hi. Not me, her. - Go on. 104 00:06:27,917 --> 00:06:31,751 Her boyfriend likes to talk dirty on the phone and she doesn't know what to say to him. 105 00:06:31,837 --> 00:06:34,192 Oh, yeah, that can be a bit awkward. 106 00:06:34,277 --> 00:06:37,871 Why don't you just start off with something light, you know, like... 107 00:06:38,596 --> 00:06:41,713 "I'd love it if you stuck your Willy Wonka between my Oompa Loompas." 108 00:06:41,796 --> 00:06:45,072 You know, something a bit jokey and then you can get more hardcore. 109 00:06:45,156 --> 00:06:49,353 Rattle off the old classics like, "I'm playing with my dirty pillows." 110 00:06:49,435 --> 00:06:53,791 "I'm aching for your big purple-headed womb ferret." And then go straight in hard, 111 00:06:53,874 --> 00:06:57,946 "Get round here because I'm fudding myself stupid and I'm bloody loving it." 112 00:06:58,033 --> 00:06:59,671 - All right? - Yeah. 113 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:00,868 Yeah. 114 00:07:01,473 --> 00:07:04,465 Anyway, better get on. Good luck. 115 00:07:05,593 --> 00:07:07,184 Love to Sam Mendes. 116 00:07:08,832 --> 00:07:11,824 Kate Winslet just talking dirty to... 117 00:07:12,632 --> 00:07:15,271 Anne Frank and Joseph Goebbels. 118 00:07:15,352 --> 00:07:17,387 Just... another normal day. 119 00:07:29,109 --> 00:07:31,384 - Guten Tag, Fr�ulein. - Oh, hi. 120 00:07:31,469 --> 00:07:33,778 What is this "Oh, hi"? 121 00:07:33,869 --> 00:07:35,666 Sorry, is that meant to be German? 122 00:07:35,749 --> 00:07:39,058 You are resisting the great German sense of humour. You are English, ya? 123 00:07:39,148 --> 00:07:43,141 Then I have something for you that will make you roll in the aisles. 124 00:07:43,628 --> 00:07:47,984 This is funny to you, yeah, because it looks like a thingy. Yeah. 125 00:07:48,067 --> 00:07:52,025 Actually, this will make you laugh. Jesus, look, pissed up nutter over there. 126 00:07:52,186 --> 00:07:54,177 She's had a few. 127 00:07:54,266 --> 00:07:56,063 Actually, is she pissed or mental? 128 00:07:57,305 --> 00:07:58,897 Oh, here she comes. 129 00:07:58,985 --> 00:08:00,816 - That's my sister. - Huh? 130 00:08:00,905 --> 00:08:02,702 She's got cerebral palsy. 131 00:08:03,625 --> 00:08:06,776 No... not... her. 132 00:08:06,864 --> 00:08:11,255 Another nutter that was... Not another nutter, she's not... 133 00:08:11,344 --> 00:08:15,303 She's gone now, the one I meant. Shot on and just shot off again. 134 00:08:16,744 --> 00:08:18,061 - Hi. - Hi. 135 00:08:19,902 --> 00:08:21,494 - This is my sister. - Hiya. 136 00:08:21,582 --> 00:08:23,015 - Francesca. - You all right? 137 00:08:23,102 --> 00:08:24,979 Hiya, you all right? 138 00:08:25,062 --> 00:08:27,132 What do you do in this, then? 139 00:08:27,981 --> 00:08:29,300 What Judith...? 140 00:08:29,381 --> 00:08:33,056 - No, she said what do you do in this? - Oh, a background artist. 141 00:08:33,141 --> 00:08:36,019 Oh, right. And what does that entail? 142 00:08:37,301 --> 00:08:38,813 What does that entail? 143 00:08:38,900 --> 00:08:42,290 Yeah, just standing around, really. Although it's not what I do. 144 00:08:42,380 --> 00:08:45,497 I'm a real actor, this is just sort of like pocket money. 145 00:08:45,580 --> 00:08:48,251 Yeah, well I bet they all say that, don't they? 146 00:08:54,818 --> 00:09:00,210 All right, mate. Come and check this out. I just typed in 58,008 into a calculator... 147 00:09:00,897 --> 00:09:05,049 and lo and behold, amazingly, it comes up "boobs". 148 00:09:06,017 --> 00:09:08,689 You see that? That's worth knowing, isn't it? 149 00:09:11,056 --> 00:09:12,284 Good. 150 00:09:13,696 --> 00:09:15,891 What can I do... Oh, sorry. 151 00:09:15,976 --> 00:09:17,647 Better get that. Hang on. 152 00:09:26,174 --> 00:09:27,402 Just... 153 00:09:41,092 --> 00:09:42,525 Hello? It's gone. 154 00:09:42,612 --> 00:09:44,921 That's... annoying. 155 00:09:45,012 --> 00:09:47,684 It's weird that, it always happens with that one. 156 00:09:48,610 --> 00:09:51,124 - Turn it off. - Okay, I'll put it on vibrate. 157 00:09:52,330 --> 00:09:54,048 How do you do that? 158 00:09:56,410 --> 00:09:58,798 Erm... what can I do for you? 159 00:10:00,409 --> 00:10:02,400 You called me in for a meeting. 160 00:10:02,489 --> 00:10:04,241 Did I? What was that about? 161 00:10:04,329 --> 00:10:06,559 I don't know, you said you wanted to see me. 162 00:10:06,649 --> 00:10:09,003 All right. I'll just check on here. 163 00:10:18,807 --> 00:10:20,922 - What's the gist of it? - It'll be on here. 164 00:10:21,006 --> 00:10:25,204 I've got everything organised on there so it's all... 165 00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:28,157 I'm looking at the wrong date. 166 00:10:28,246 --> 00:10:30,554 - Erm... it's the third today, isn't it? - Fourth. 167 00:10:30,645 --> 00:10:32,397 Fourth. Yeah, I was looking at the wrong date. 168 00:10:32,485 --> 00:10:34,316 Tuesday 3rd, blank. 169 00:10:35,325 --> 00:10:38,362 What does it say here? It just says, today, "catch-up meeting". 170 00:10:38,445 --> 00:10:40,958 Just to catch up, really, with you and find out what's been happening 171 00:10:41,044 --> 00:10:44,513 - tell you about what's coming in and... - Okay, what's coming in? 172 00:10:53,282 --> 00:10:55,193 Nothing's come in according to that. 173 00:10:55,282 --> 00:10:56,635 - Nothing's come in? - No. 174 00:10:56,722 --> 00:10:59,190 Okay, good. Well, that was well worth it. 175 00:10:59,282 --> 00:11:02,353 Apart from sitting there waiting for the phone to ring, what have you done? 176 00:11:02,441 --> 00:11:04,955 Have you called anyone? Have you sent the script out? 177 00:11:05,041 --> 00:11:06,474 What script? Sorry? 178 00:11:06,561 --> 00:11:08,870 Oh, man, the script I gave you two months ago. 179 00:11:08,961 --> 00:11:10,075 That sounds good. 180 00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:12,469 - The sitcom. - Yeah? Funny? 181 00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:14,390 You haven't read it? 182 00:11:14,479 --> 00:11:17,312 What's it called? Because I can get on to that. 183 00:11:18,279 --> 00:11:22,476 - When the Whistle Blows. - I'll just write down "When the 'W' Blows." 184 00:11:22,558 --> 00:11:25,356 Don't put "W", you'll forget what the "W" stands for. Write it out. 185 00:11:25,438 --> 00:11:27,349 - No, When the Wind Blows. - Whistle. 186 00:11:27,438 --> 00:11:30,349 I'll put that in. "W" equals wind. 187 00:11:30,437 --> 00:11:32,632 - Whistle! - Whistle. It's there. 188 00:11:32,717 --> 00:11:34,548 - It's in. - That's safe then, is it? 189 00:11:34,637 --> 00:11:37,026 That's done. I can forget about that. That's on its way, yeah? 190 00:11:37,117 --> 00:11:38,835 I've got my best man on it? 191 00:11:38,917 --> 00:11:41,032 - Yeah. - Safe hands, safe hands. 192 00:11:41,676 --> 00:11:44,633 - Do you want to put another meeting in? - Any point? 193 00:11:44,715 --> 00:11:48,708 May as well. And then when nothing comes in, just phone you up and cancel it. 194 00:11:50,115 --> 00:11:51,433 That's a plan. 195 00:11:51,514 --> 00:11:53,869 I don't think of him as an agent now. 196 00:11:53,954 --> 00:11:56,752 I think of him as a bloke who had some cards printed up 197 00:11:56,834 --> 00:11:59,268 in a vending machine in the garage with the word "agent" on them. 198 00:11:59,354 --> 00:12:01,264 That, to me, is his qualifications. 199 00:12:01,353 --> 00:12:04,982 He sent me up for the lead role in Billy Elliot. 200 00:12:06,073 --> 00:12:10,032 Yeah, right, the man in charge of my career. I'm glad you're finding this funny. 201 00:12:10,113 --> 00:12:11,829 She's laughing at my life. 202 00:12:13,151 --> 00:12:14,220 Aw. 203 00:12:14,311 --> 00:12:16,541 It must be lovely to see her laughing. 204 00:12:17,991 --> 00:12:20,630 She laughs all the time. She lives to laugh. 205 00:12:20,711 --> 00:12:23,463 Well, you have to be able to laugh, don't you? 206 00:12:23,550 --> 00:12:25,700 Keeps you sane. 207 00:12:25,790 --> 00:12:27,428 I thought she was sane? 208 00:12:27,590 --> 00:12:29,899 No, I mean, it keeps anybody sane. 209 00:12:29,990 --> 00:12:32,628 Oh, right, yes. People laughing and... 210 00:12:32,709 --> 00:12:37,021 You know, don't you reckon if you can laugh, you can cope with, like, anything? 211 00:12:37,589 --> 00:12:41,375 It's a God-given gift, isn't it? Laughing in the face of adversity. 212 00:12:42,507 --> 00:12:45,704 - You're quite religious, are you? - Yeah, we both are. 213 00:12:45,787 --> 00:12:49,700 We both really believe, right, that God gives us a struggle 214 00:12:49,787 --> 00:12:52,095 and that's the point of life, isn't it? 215 00:12:52,186 --> 00:12:56,020 You know, to overcome the difficulties thrown at you 216 00:12:56,106 --> 00:13:00,861 and the greatest thing is you know that in heaven, everything will be all right. 217 00:13:00,946 --> 00:13:03,823 Maggie, do you believe in God or...? 218 00:13:03,905 --> 00:13:06,544 - Yes, I do, I think, yes. - Oh, great. 219 00:13:07,025 --> 00:13:10,061 And what about you, Andy? Do you believe in God? 220 00:13:10,144 --> 00:13:13,772 Like, do you believe everything will be okay in heaven? 221 00:13:18,783 --> 00:13:20,262 Yeah. 222 00:13:20,343 --> 00:13:22,173 - What faith are you? - What...? 223 00:13:22,262 --> 00:13:25,334 - What faith are you? - Catholic. 224 00:13:25,422 --> 00:13:28,732 - Oh, really? So are we. - Oh, excellent. 225 00:13:28,982 --> 00:13:31,701 Lot of us about and I am definitely one of us. 226 00:13:32,661 --> 00:13:34,697 Catholicism, the "C" word. 227 00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:37,454 Not the "C" word, a "C" word. 228 00:13:38,301 --> 00:13:41,849 Heaven, yeah, amazing. It's going to be brilliant up there. 229 00:13:41,940 --> 00:13:44,897 You're going to have an amazing time, you'll love it. 230 00:13:45,699 --> 00:13:47,655 Be like lbiza or something. 231 00:13:50,099 --> 00:13:51,293 Please, Lord... 232 00:13:52,538 --> 00:13:55,450 let us know that you have seen what we have seen. 233 00:13:57,178 --> 00:13:58,611 Please, Lord. 234 00:14:00,218 --> 00:14:02,777 You have to let us know that we are not alone. 235 00:14:23,574 --> 00:14:25,451 Thank you, Lord. 236 00:14:27,174 --> 00:14:28,493 Cut! 237 00:14:28,574 --> 00:14:30,644 Christ, that is bloody hot. 238 00:14:30,814 --> 00:14:32,850 Oh, fuck, my fucking knees. 239 00:14:32,934 --> 00:14:35,128 - Can we go again on that? - Not now. 240 00:14:35,213 --> 00:14:37,965 - Does it have to be that hot? - It's okay now. 241 00:14:38,052 --> 00:14:42,091 I'm sweating like a bastard. No wonder they lose their rag sometimes. 242 00:14:42,572 --> 00:14:45,131 Oh, hiya. How did it go with your dirty phone call? 243 00:14:45,211 --> 00:14:47,441 Oh, I haven't done it yet. I'm working up to it. 244 00:14:47,531 --> 00:14:49,522 Well, here is another one that's always good. 245 00:14:49,611 --> 00:14:52,409 Just do all the preliminary stuff and then you go, "Hang on, 246 00:14:52,491 --> 00:14:56,369 "why is the slut from next door just coming into my bedroom and is taking her bra off?" 247 00:14:56,450 --> 00:14:59,248 Then you just pretend you're getting it on with her. 248 00:14:59,330 --> 00:15:02,049 - I couldn't do that. - Course you can, you're an actress. 249 00:15:02,130 --> 00:15:05,166 No, I'm not. I'm just an extra. You're the actress. 250 00:15:05,249 --> 00:15:07,967 - A brilliant actress, by the way. - Yeah, she is. 251 00:15:08,048 --> 00:15:12,485 I'm an actor as well as... If there's a line going in this film, I'd love to be part of this. 252 00:15:12,568 --> 00:15:16,242 I'd just like to say, I think, you know, you doing this is so commendable. 253 00:15:16,327 --> 00:15:20,286 Using your profile to keep the message alive about the Holocaust. 254 00:15:21,007 --> 00:15:22,838 My God, I'm not doing it for that. 255 00:15:22,927 --> 00:15:25,884 I don't think we really need another film about the Holocaust, do we? 256 00:15:25,966 --> 00:15:29,481 It's, like, how many have there been? You know, we get it, it was grim, move on. 257 00:15:29,566 --> 00:15:33,081 No, I'm doing it because I've noticed that if you do a film about the Holocaust, 258 00:15:33,166 --> 00:15:34,917 guaranteed an Oscar. 259 00:15:35,005 --> 00:15:37,962 I've been nominated four times, never won. 260 00:15:38,044 --> 00:15:41,559 And the whole world is going, "Why hasn't Winslet won one?" 261 00:15:43,124 --> 00:15:44,239 Definitely, yeah. 262 00:15:45,283 --> 00:15:47,751 That's, er, that's why I'm doing it. 263 00:15:47,843 --> 00:15:49,913 Schindler's bloody List. 264 00:15:50,003 --> 00:15:51,641 The Pianist. 265 00:15:51,723 --> 00:15:54,078 Oscars coming out of their arse. 266 00:15:55,122 --> 00:15:56,714 Well, good luck, then. 267 00:15:56,802 --> 00:15:58,713 - It's a good plan. - Thank you. 268 00:15:58,802 --> 00:16:01,396 - Good luck with your phone call. - Okay. 269 00:16:01,482 --> 00:16:03,074 - See you later. - Bye. 270 00:16:03,162 --> 00:16:05,720 - Can we go again? - Yeah, let's do it. 271 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:10,238 And action. 272 00:16:17,919 --> 00:16:19,193 Sorry. 273 00:16:19,279 --> 00:16:20,871 Cut there, thank you. 274 00:16:20,959 --> 00:16:22,870 All right, reset, please. 275 00:16:27,678 --> 00:16:30,670 - Are you married or single? - Why? 276 00:16:30,758 --> 00:16:35,432 - I think my sister might like you a bit. - Really? 277 00:16:35,516 --> 00:16:37,393 She's only human. 278 00:16:53,795 --> 00:16:56,627 ...square head, I must say. 279 00:16:56,914 --> 00:16:58,393 Anyway, I meant to ask you actually, 280 00:16:58,474 --> 00:17:00,669 a couple of friends of mine are having a get together tonight. 281 00:17:00,754 --> 00:17:02,665 Wondered if you were free, would you like to come along? 282 00:17:02,754 --> 00:17:04,311 - Yeah, yeah. - Great. 283 00:17:04,393 --> 00:17:06,508 Definitely. Ya! 284 00:17:09,392 --> 00:17:12,509 Oh, my God, I've got Jeremy Clarkson's clothes. 285 00:17:12,912 --> 00:17:16,824 - I can't... It's awful. - Well, what sort of a party is it? 286 00:17:16,911 --> 00:17:19,505 Well, she said a get together with some friends, probably casual, 287 00:17:19,591 --> 00:17:21,821 but I want to look good, don't I? 288 00:17:22,831 --> 00:17:23,820 Ooh! 289 00:17:24,951 --> 00:17:27,418 I know. You said she was quite a classy, stylish... 290 00:17:27,510 --> 00:17:29,068 - Yeah. ...type of lady. 291 00:17:29,150 --> 00:17:30,503 This. Look. 292 00:17:31,550 --> 00:17:36,383 Lead us, heavenly Father, lead us, over the world's tempestuous sea. 293 00:17:37,228 --> 00:17:41,141 Guard us, guide us, keep us, feed us 294 00:17:41,228 --> 00:17:43,378 for we have no help but Thee. 295 00:17:44,108 --> 00:17:47,736 Yet possessing every blessing if our God our father... 296 00:17:47,827 --> 00:17:49,818 - Lovely suit. - Thanks. 297 00:17:49,907 --> 00:17:51,943 I like to look good for a prayer meeting. 298 00:17:52,027 --> 00:17:55,258 ...our God descending, fill our hearts with heavenly joy. 299 00:17:55,347 --> 00:17:57,064 Love with every passion... 300 00:17:57,146 --> 00:17:58,898 How long is this going to take, out of interest? 301 00:17:58,986 --> 00:18:01,420 - An hour and a half. - Hour and a half! 302 00:18:03,145 --> 00:18:04,737 Time for a drink afterwards? 303 00:18:04,825 --> 00:18:06,338 - Yes. - Yes? 304 00:18:06,425 --> 00:18:08,938 ...nothing can our peace destroy. 305 00:18:09,944 --> 00:18:13,254 Isn't that lovely? Thank you, Lisa, it was lovely. 306 00:18:17,943 --> 00:18:19,934 Hi, it's me. 307 00:18:20,983 --> 00:18:22,939 Yeah, no, I'm good. You? 308 00:18:23,543 --> 00:18:27,251 Good. Yeah, I'm ready. 309 00:18:27,822 --> 00:18:28,891 Okay. 310 00:18:31,142 --> 00:18:33,530 I'm not wearing anything. 311 00:18:33,621 --> 00:18:36,374 No, you're not wearing anything? 312 00:18:36,461 --> 00:18:39,532 Hey, both of us are not wearing anything. 313 00:18:39,620 --> 00:18:41,372 What am I doing? Yeah. 314 00:18:41,460 --> 00:18:42,813 Er... 315 00:18:42,900 --> 00:18:46,529 First off, I'm fudding myself stupid 316 00:18:46,620 --> 00:18:49,053 and I'm bloody loving it. 317 00:18:50,979 --> 00:18:52,207 Fudding. 318 00:18:53,059 --> 00:18:56,256 I think she wanted me to wear my uniform. You told her how good I looked in my...? 319 00:18:56,339 --> 00:18:57,487 Really nice. 320 00:18:57,578 --> 00:18:59,853 Yeah, she really liked it. Do you know what uniform it is? 321 00:18:59,938 --> 00:19:02,053 German. I know, yeah. 322 00:19:02,137 --> 00:19:05,174 With what they did, you should be ashamed of yourself. 323 00:19:05,257 --> 00:19:07,724 I don't think you two have been formally introduced. 324 00:19:07,816 --> 00:19:10,091 - This is Andy, Father. - How are you, son? 325 00:19:10,176 --> 00:19:12,326 You don't have to do that. I'm not the Pope. 326 00:19:12,416 --> 00:19:16,648 No, old habits die hard. My old priest used to make me kiss him on the ring. 327 00:19:16,736 --> 00:19:19,966 On his finger. There was none of that going on. 328 00:19:20,095 --> 00:19:24,611 That makes me sick as well, people saying priests are paedophiles and kiddie fiddlers. 329 00:19:24,775 --> 00:19:28,687 There's probably, I mean, there probably are. I mean, you probably know some, 330 00:19:28,774 --> 00:19:32,402 but it's no higher percentage of perverts in... 331 00:19:32,493 --> 00:19:36,247 But they, you know... They're in all walks of life, aren't they? 332 00:19:36,333 --> 00:19:41,008 You know, there are nonces everywhere but let's not exaggerate it is what I'm saying. 333 00:19:41,092 --> 00:19:45,005 I've never been touched by a priest. I've been touched by God. Not in that way. 334 00:19:45,092 --> 00:19:48,640 In the heart but, you know... or... 335 00:19:49,971 --> 00:19:51,802 Er... 336 00:19:51,891 --> 00:19:54,451 Oh, condoms. It's just... 337 00:19:54,811 --> 00:19:57,530 Do we need them? I don't think so. 338 00:19:57,611 --> 00:20:00,965 Let the free seed of love gush forth. 339 00:20:10,448 --> 00:20:12,837 Who was your confirmation saint? 340 00:20:13,888 --> 00:20:15,207 Mine? 341 00:20:17,048 --> 00:20:19,925 - Saint Bernard. - Saint Bernard? 342 00:20:20,727 --> 00:20:23,002 Who was your priest growing up? 343 00:20:25,967 --> 00:20:27,082 Father. 344 00:20:28,446 --> 00:20:30,879 Flaa-heer-ty. 345 00:20:31,685 --> 00:20:35,314 Flah... Father Michael Flatley. 346 00:20:35,405 --> 00:20:37,316 - Michael Flatley? - O'Flatley. 347 00:20:37,405 --> 00:20:39,043 Irish fellow. 348 00:20:41,884 --> 00:20:47,322 - And where was his parish? - Just the parish of where I grew up my town, 349 00:20:47,404 --> 00:20:49,792 the holy parish of Wokingham. 350 00:20:51,243 --> 00:20:53,393 I've done a lot of work in the London and Thames area... 351 00:20:53,483 --> 00:20:54,677 Oh, yeah? 352 00:20:54,763 --> 00:20:57,959 ...and I've never heard of a Father Michael O'Flatley. 353 00:20:58,042 --> 00:20:59,793 No, he died. 354 00:21:01,081 --> 00:21:02,799 Dead. Untraceable. 355 00:21:03,601 --> 00:21:06,069 He won't be replaced. Not by me anyway. 356 00:21:06,161 --> 00:21:08,038 He was a great man. 357 00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:12,389 - Can I ask you a personal question? - Go for it. 358 00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:17,315 And it may seem blunt, but honesty is a cornerstone of the Catholic faith. 359 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:18,833 Amen to that. 360 00:21:20,039 --> 00:21:23,076 - Are you a Catholic? - Am I a...? 361 00:21:23,159 --> 00:21:26,549 - Are you a Catholic? - Am I a Catholic? 362 00:21:29,638 --> 00:21:34,188 Well, if you're asking to see some official documentation, 363 00:21:34,277 --> 00:21:35,869 you're going to be gutted. 364 00:21:35,957 --> 00:21:39,267 Have you been confirmed? Have you ever taken Communion? 365 00:21:40,716 --> 00:21:42,468 No, actually. 366 00:21:44,156 --> 00:21:46,386 - Did Father Flatley exist? - O'Flatley. 367 00:21:46,476 --> 00:21:48,353 Did he ever exist? 368 00:21:49,116 --> 00:21:50,185 No. 369 00:21:54,955 --> 00:21:57,388 Why have you been pretending to be a Catholic? 370 00:21:57,474 --> 00:21:59,305 Because it does no harm. 371 00:22:00,513 --> 00:22:01,912 Does it? 372 00:22:03,033 --> 00:22:06,503 - We've all had a laugh. - Was it just to get close to me? 373 00:22:07,553 --> 00:22:10,669 Well, I do fancy you if that's... 374 00:22:11,552 --> 00:22:13,270 Even you must think... 375 00:22:15,632 --> 00:22:19,307 And I thought you might not get off with someone who wasn't Catholic. 376 00:22:19,832 --> 00:22:24,268 Sorry, I wouldn't get off with you anyway. I don't believe in sex before marriage. 377 00:22:26,870 --> 00:22:28,462 Really? 378 00:22:30,150 --> 00:22:31,980 In this day and age. 379 00:22:32,989 --> 00:22:34,786 Bit annoying, to be honest. 380 00:22:35,789 --> 00:22:38,940 I can't believe you lied to me just to try and sleep with me. 381 00:22:39,029 --> 00:22:43,226 I'd already lied before I tried it on with you so... 382 00:22:43,308 --> 00:22:45,185 Well, what was the first lie? 383 00:22:45,988 --> 00:22:47,341 The f... 384 00:22:49,628 --> 00:22:51,061 I didn't want to upset her. 385 00:22:51,148 --> 00:22:53,297 Sorry, what do you mean? 386 00:22:55,306 --> 00:22:58,298 - Sorry, what the what? - What do you mean? 387 00:22:58,386 --> 00:23:00,263 Oh. Oh, well. 388 00:23:02,825 --> 00:23:05,214 She was saying the only thing that keeps her going 389 00:23:05,305 --> 00:23:09,776 is the thought that one day she'll be in heaven and everything will be all right. 390 00:23:09,865 --> 00:23:13,061 And I didn't want to go, "No, you're barking up the wrong tree, love. 391 00:23:13,144 --> 00:23:14,657 "There's no God, there's no heaven. 392 00:23:14,744 --> 00:23:17,542 "You're not going to be up there talking normally and running around... 393 00:23:17,624 --> 00:23:20,502 "Legs and playing volleyball and everything." 394 00:23:20,584 --> 00:23:22,494 So, I didn't... I said... 395 00:23:25,462 --> 00:23:27,737 It's like a white lie, isn't it? 396 00:23:48,500 --> 00:23:51,412 Look, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, then you shouldn't do it. 397 00:23:51,500 --> 00:23:55,616 - But I want to make you happy. - I'm happy if you're happy. 398 00:23:55,698 --> 00:23:58,929 It's just a silly little thing, isn't it? I mean, it's a bit of fun. 399 00:23:59,018 --> 00:24:01,248 If you're not into it, so be it. That's cool. 400 00:24:01,338 --> 00:24:03,373 - Really? - I'm going out with you because of you. 401 00:24:03,457 --> 00:24:05,254 My God, really? 402 00:24:05,937 --> 00:24:07,290 - Do you know what? - What? 403 00:24:07,377 --> 00:24:08,526 You're cool. 404 00:24:09,617 --> 00:24:10,936 I like to think so. 405 00:24:11,017 --> 00:24:12,370 - Am I interrupting? - Yes. 406 00:24:12,457 --> 00:24:13,809 - Good. - All right. 407 00:24:13,896 --> 00:24:15,329 - How are you? - Good. 408 00:24:15,416 --> 00:24:17,646 - Oh, how was the date? - The date? 409 00:24:17,736 --> 00:24:23,047 Erm... oh, good. Let me just go over some highlights for you. 410 00:24:23,134 --> 00:24:25,694 Lied to a priest in front of a room full of Christians. 411 00:24:25,774 --> 00:24:28,527 Some of them elderly, some of them just weird and bewildered. 412 00:24:28,614 --> 00:24:30,764 So insulted them and their belief system. 413 00:24:30,854 --> 00:24:33,048 Made a woman hate me for the rest of her life. 414 00:24:33,133 --> 00:24:36,569 Yeah? Didn't believe in God before. Definitely going to hell. 415 00:24:36,653 --> 00:24:38,052 I liked her as well. 416 00:24:38,133 --> 00:24:42,126 Oh, here, listen, but don't worry. I know someone who'd be perfect for you. 417 00:24:42,213 --> 00:24:46,569 She's desperate and she has trouble hanging on to men 'cause she's clinically depressed. 418 00:24:46,652 --> 00:24:49,325 - Have you got her number? - I do. I think it's in my phone. 419 00:24:49,412 --> 00:24:52,244 I'm being sarcastic because I don't want to go out with a psychopath. 420 00:24:52,331 --> 00:24:54,798 - She's quite nice underneath. - Oh, she just cuts you 421 00:24:54,890 --> 00:24:56,642 if she forgets to take her lithium. 422 00:24:56,730 --> 00:24:58,800 Hi. How did it go? With the phone? 423 00:24:58,890 --> 00:25:01,768 Oh, oh, this is my boyfriend Mike. 424 00:25:01,850 --> 00:25:05,637 This is Mike, I don't think you've met before. Mike, this is the actress Kate Winslet. 425 00:25:05,729 --> 00:25:07,720 - Hi, Mike. - Hiya, great to meet you. 426 00:25:07,809 --> 00:25:09,527 - How you doing? - Do you want a tea? 427 00:25:09,609 --> 00:25:11,361 No, it's fine. 428 00:25:17,368 --> 00:25:20,565 So, it's the weekend, you all got any big plans? 429 00:25:20,647 --> 00:25:23,843 I tell you what we're going to do, we're going to have a big spring clean. 430 00:25:23,926 --> 00:25:26,804 Yeah, my husband's going to be rummaging around in my basement 431 00:25:26,886 --> 00:25:29,002 while I polish his Oscar. 432 00:25:30,766 --> 00:25:33,996 I see what you mean. No, I'm going to be in the garage probably. 433 00:25:34,085 --> 00:25:39,000 Just cleaning the car. Giving the old girl's headlamps a good soaping up. 434 00:25:39,085 --> 00:25:41,280 Giving them a good seeing to. 435 00:25:41,365 --> 00:25:45,562 Can I just say, I mean, you probably get this all the time, but can I just say I'm a big fan. 436 00:25:45,644 --> 00:25:48,954 - I've seen Titanic, like, five times as well. - Oh, that's sweet. 437 00:25:49,044 --> 00:25:51,841 - Have you seen Titanic? - Yeah, great, brilliant. 438 00:25:51,923 --> 00:25:54,232 A lot of it was... 439 00:25:55,602 --> 00:26:00,676 It's, erm... A lot of it is CGI actually, you know that? 440 00:26:00,762 --> 00:26:02,832 - Half the boat... - Really? 441 00:26:11,121 --> 00:26:13,555 - What you doing? - Just checking that. 442 00:26:15,880 --> 00:26:17,632 Is it all right? 443 00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:20,390 Yeah, I think so. 444 00:26:22,999 --> 00:26:24,875 So you've told them, have you? About the phone call? 445 00:26:24,958 --> 00:26:27,426 - No, no, I haven't. - You've told them about the phone call. 446 00:26:27,518 --> 00:26:30,316 I can't believe you told other people. Hey, where you going? 447 00:26:30,398 --> 00:26:31,433 Just... 448 00:26:31,518 --> 00:26:33,952 You know everything anyway so you might as well watch the break-up. 449 00:26:34,038 --> 00:26:37,393 - What? No, listen... - Well, how can I trust you now? 450 00:26:37,477 --> 00:26:39,832 Were you really doing anything? 451 00:26:39,917 --> 00:26:43,068 When you said you were rubbing it, were you really rubbing it? 452 00:26:43,157 --> 00:26:44,954 No. 453 00:26:45,077 --> 00:26:46,555 I don't know what to do. 454 00:26:46,636 --> 00:26:49,195 I don't know what to do, this is such a betrayal. 455 00:26:49,275 --> 00:26:51,664 - You're just laughing at me behind my back. - I'm not. 456 00:26:51,755 --> 00:26:53,586 Then what's all this with her? 457 00:26:53,715 --> 00:26:56,865 - I was getting advice. - Off Kate Winslet? 458 00:26:58,594 --> 00:27:00,710 Are you proud of yourself? Are you? 459 00:27:01,274 --> 00:27:03,310 You think because you were in the biggest film ever 460 00:27:03,394 --> 00:27:05,464 you've got the right to mock the little people? 461 00:27:05,553 --> 00:27:06,906 No. 462 00:27:06,993 --> 00:27:09,461 So that stuff about your husband polishing his Oscar, 463 00:27:09,553 --> 00:27:12,192 - was that supposed to mean wanking? - Yeah. 464 00:27:14,033 --> 00:27:16,068 And your basement meant? 465 00:27:16,152 --> 00:27:17,664 My fanny. 466 00:27:21,871 --> 00:27:23,099 Pathetic. 467 00:27:27,150 --> 00:27:28,788 Thanks very much. 468 00:27:33,390 --> 00:27:36,267 I keep seeing her around. What is up with her? 469 00:27:36,349 --> 00:27:38,704 She's got cerebral palsy. 470 00:27:38,789 --> 00:27:42,862 Oh, that's worth remembering, I tell you. That is another way you win an Oscar. 471 00:27:42,949 --> 00:27:47,657 Seriously, think about it. Daniel Day-Lewis in My Left Foot. Oscar. 472 00:27:48,587 --> 00:27:50,737 Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man, Oscar. 473 00:27:50,827 --> 00:27:52,783 John Mills, Ryan's Daughter, Oscar. 474 00:27:52,867 --> 00:27:54,698 - Yeah. - Seriously. 475 00:27:55,627 --> 00:27:58,584 You are guaranteed an Oscar if you play a mental. 476 00:28:01,386 --> 00:28:03,854 - See you later. - Cheers.