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NARRATOR: There are
many places we could begin
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00:00:54,789 --> 00:00:57,489
the next chapter of
the legend of Ron Burgundy.
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00:00:57,491 --> 00:00:58,791
This is one such place.
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00:00:59,692 --> 00:01:01,160
(SCREAMING)
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00:01:05,098 --> 00:01:07,666
However, we won't
begin our tale here.
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00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:11,637
No, our story begins in
a place all newsmen dream of.
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00:01:11,639 --> 00:01:13,405
In New York City.
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00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:15,574
(UPBEAT RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
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00:01:32,859 --> 00:01:35,561
Ron Burgundy!
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00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:38,864
That lady's got an ass
like the Loch Ness Monster.
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00:01:38,866 --> 00:01:42,468
Thing is mysterious
and ever sought after.
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00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:44,536
Ron, aren't you
going to say
something to him?
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00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:46,271
Hey, when you've
got an ass like
the North Star,
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00:01:46,273 --> 00:01:47,539
wise men are going
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NARRATOR: It was a time
before cell phones
and steroids.
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00:01:52,146 --> 00:01:54,546
And for Ron and his
now-wife Veronica,
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00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:56,381
life was good.
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00:01:56,383 --> 00:01:58,383
RON: The Tooth Fairy's
exposed breast
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00:01:58,385 --> 00:02:00,285
made the child
uncomfortable.
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00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:01,487
(CLEARS THROAT)
The Bishop wore
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00:02:01,489 --> 00:02:03,355
buttless chaps
to the bat mitzvah.
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00:02:03,357 --> 00:02:04,823
Bat mitzvah.
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00:02:04,825 --> 00:02:08,527
The garden gnome
had a normal-size penis.
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00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:11,597
The garden gnome
had a normal-size penis.
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00:02:11,599 --> 00:02:13,265
(VERONICA WHOOPING)
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00:02:13,900 --> 00:02:15,501
Corningstone.
Corningstone.
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00:02:15,503 --> 00:02:17,269
(DOING VOCAL EXERCISES)
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00:02:17,271 --> 00:02:20,239
(IN SHRILL VOICE)
Oh! Oh, no! Oh, no!
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They're coming in through
the back door! Oh, no!
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(WBC NEWS THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
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Oh, no!
(SINGING)
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00:02:26,247 --> 00:02:27,579
Grab the children!
Save the children!
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00:02:28,181 --> 00:02:30,182
Five, four...
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00:02:30,184 --> 00:02:31,884
Have a great broadcast.
You, too, darling.
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00:02:32,418 --> 00:02:33,852
(MOUTHING)
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00:02:34,588 --> 00:02:38,857
This is the
weekend edition of
WBC News at 6:30.
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00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:40,626
I'm Ron Burgundy.
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And I'm Veronica
Corningstone.
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00:02:42,229 --> 00:02:44,196
Our top story tonight.
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00:02:44,198 --> 00:02:45,430
The U.N. today announced
sanctions against...
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00:02:45,432 --> 00:02:47,232
When the broadcast
is over,
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00:02:47,234 --> 00:02:49,201
send these two
up to my office.
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00:02:49,736 --> 00:02:51,503
Time to make a change.
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00:02:52,238 --> 00:02:53,805
(DINGING)
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00:02:55,942 --> 00:03:00,879
Rumor has it that
after 35 years of
manning the helm,
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00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:03,515
Mack Tannen is thinking
about stepping down.
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00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:05,884
That's right.
(EXHALES)
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00:03:05,886 --> 00:03:08,487
Do you...
Do you think
we could be...
49
00:03:08,489 --> 00:03:10,756
We could be getting
the Nightly News, Ron?
50
00:03:11,925 --> 00:03:13,759
I think that's exactly
what's about to happen.
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00:03:13,761 --> 00:03:15,527
Oh, my God.
That's what's
happening, isn't it?
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00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,362
I'm hyperventilating.
Yes, I see that.
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00:03:17,364 --> 00:03:19,364
(HYPERVENTILATING)
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00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:20,766
Look at me.
(LAUGHING)
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00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:23,468
Oh, you... Well.
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00:03:23,470 --> 00:03:25,304
I'm laughing like
a ventriloquist's dummy.
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00:03:25,306 --> 00:03:26,972
You are.
(LAUGHING)
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00:03:26,974 --> 00:03:28,907
Let's stop that
before we get
in there.
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00:03:28,909 --> 00:03:31,310
Don't do that
in there, darling.
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00:03:31,312 --> 00:03:35,280
VERONICA: Mr. Tannen,
you are an inspiration, sir.
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00:03:35,282 --> 00:03:39,551
I've been doing
the evening news now
for over 35 years.
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00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:41,453
Done a hell
of a job.
Yes, sir.
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00:03:41,455 --> 00:03:42,854
A hell of a job!
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00:03:42,856 --> 00:03:44,756
I've gone through
four wives.
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00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:46,825
I have six or seven kids
that I haven't got the time
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00:03:46,827 --> 00:03:48,594
to tell I love them.
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00:03:48,596 --> 00:03:50,529
To be honest,
they sound
a little needy.
68
00:03:51,864 --> 00:03:53,865
And I killed four men
in Okinawa.
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00:03:54,767 --> 00:03:56,235
W.W. Two.
70
00:03:57,604 --> 00:03:59,271
And that was
two weeks ago.
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00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:02,341
The point is,
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00:04:03,009 --> 00:04:04,977
this is a very
demanding job.
73
00:04:04,979 --> 00:04:06,545
Yes.
74
00:04:06,547 --> 00:04:08,580
But I'm close
to thinking that
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00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:11,250
you may have
what it takes.
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00:04:12,819 --> 00:04:14,553
Now, let me
look at you.
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00:04:17,724 --> 00:04:18,824
Oh, my God.
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00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,427
Would it be
wrong to say you
smell terrific?
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00:04:22,429 --> 00:04:23,795
Ron, please!
Okay.
80
00:04:24,497 --> 00:04:25,831
What are you?
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00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:27,966
Finnish?
82
00:04:30,336 --> 00:04:33,472
Oddly enough, I'm 100%
full-blown Mexican.
83
00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:36,508
From the state of Oaxaca.
84
00:04:36,510 --> 00:04:38,377
VERONICA: No,
you're not, honey.
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00:04:39,612 --> 00:04:42,781
Hello, sir.
Oh, my heart
is racing.
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00:04:44,817 --> 00:04:46,818
MACK: Hmm.
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00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:49,988
I just have to say,
this is super creepy
and unorthodox.
88
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,893
You like-a da
merchandise, huh?
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00:04:57,063 --> 00:04:58,363
Sorry.
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00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:01,500
All right.
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00:05:04,537 --> 00:05:06,004
We're about to make
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00:05:06,906 --> 00:05:08,974
network news history.
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00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:11,743
Veronica.
Yes?
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00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:15,047
You're going to be
the first female full-time
95
00:05:15,049 --> 00:05:17,015
network news anchor.
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00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:19,851
Oh, my goodness!
Oh! I knew it.
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00:05:19,853 --> 00:05:21,787
And you,
Mr. Burgundy...
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00:05:21,789 --> 00:05:24,056
I'm going to be
the first lactose
intolerant anchor.
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00:05:24,058 --> 00:05:26,391
Mr. Burgundy.
Yes?
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00:05:26,393 --> 00:05:27,993
You're fired.
101
00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:29,394
Come again?
102
00:05:29,696 --> 00:05:30,829
Fired.
103
00:05:31,597 --> 00:05:34,966
You are the
worst anchorman
104
00:05:36,035 --> 00:05:38,837
I have ever seen.
105
00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:41,840
But what did
I do wrong?
Name one thing.
106
00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:45,477
(YELLING) Korean soldiers
were fired upon in the DMZ!
107
00:05:45,479 --> 00:05:47,846
Oh. Jeez, I am so sorry.
108
00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:50,515
Someone put the story
in all capital letters,
109
00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:53,051
and I... I thought
I was supposed to yell it.
110
00:05:53,053 --> 00:05:56,088
President Parter...
Ah, shit! (SIGHS)
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00:05:56,090 --> 00:05:57,956
I mean, President Carter
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00:05:57,958 --> 00:06:00,592
will speak
at the summit Tuesday.
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00:06:00,594 --> 00:06:02,427
Tony, did I just curse?
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00:06:02,429 --> 00:06:04,496
Are you kidding me? Shit!
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00:06:04,498 --> 00:06:06,965
I mean... Shit. Shoot!
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00:06:08,601 --> 00:06:10,869
The slain Civil Rights leader
was eulogized... (SNEEZES)
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00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:12,571
VERONICA: Oh!
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00:06:12,573 --> 00:06:15,107
Oh, wow! Did you see that?
Right on the lens!
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00:06:15,908 --> 00:06:17,676
Folks, I'm sorry.
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00:06:17,678 --> 00:06:20,479
I hold myself to
a high professional standard
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00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:23,014
and you shouldn't hear
that language, okay?
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I'm having a shitty day.
Oh, fuck-stick!
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00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:29,087
Now, I know this is tricky,
given your relationship,
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00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:31,423
so I'm going to
give you the evening
to think about it.
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00:06:31,425 --> 00:06:33,091
I forbid it!
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00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:37,129
You forbid it?
What? Who are you?
Julius Caesar?
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00:06:37,131 --> 00:06:38,897
Who the hell
is Julius Caesar?
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00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:41,066
You know I don't
follow the N.B.A.
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00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:43,502
Look, I am so sorry
that this happened, Ron,
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00:06:43,504 --> 00:06:45,871
but you and I,
we're partners,
sweetheart.
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00:06:45,873 --> 00:06:48,173
And when something good
happens to me,
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00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:49,441
it also happens to you.
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00:06:49,909 --> 00:06:51,510
That's ridiculous!
134
00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:53,145
It clearly just
happened to you!
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00:06:53,147 --> 00:06:55,514
You... Oh! Be quiet.
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00:06:55,516 --> 00:06:57,149
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
WALTER: Mom?
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00:06:57,151 --> 00:06:58,784
LUPITA: I'm sorry,
Mr. and Mrs. Burgundy.
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00:06:58,786 --> 00:07:00,519
He no go to sleep.
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00:07:00,521 --> 00:07:01,720
Damn it, Lupita,
what have you been
doing up there?
140
00:07:01,722 --> 00:07:03,588
Eating nachos?
141
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:06,825
Mommy? Daddy?
Why are you yelling
at each other?
142
00:07:06,827 --> 00:07:09,561
Did Mom touch
Dad's hair again?
143
00:07:09,563 --> 00:07:11,997
Walter, honey,
why don't you just
go to bed, all right?
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00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:14,065
Mommy and Daddy
are just having
a discussion.
145
00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:15,467
No! He needs
to hear this.
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00:07:16,202 --> 00:07:18,537
He's six years old.
He's a man.
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00:07:18,539 --> 00:07:20,705
Walter, listen to me.
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00:07:20,707 --> 00:07:23,508
Life isn't a fairy tale.
It's not a bunch of
149
00:07:23,510 --> 00:07:25,544
jumping rope
and grabbing ass.
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00:07:25,546 --> 00:07:26,945
It's complicated.
(SIGHS)
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00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,146
What do you want to
do with your life?
152
00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:29,614
What do you want to be
when you grow up?
153
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:32,150
I want to be
an astronaut
or a cowboy!
154
00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:33,985
You're never going to
be any of those, okay?
155
00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:35,620
Ron!
156
00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:37,656
You've got to set
the bar a lot lower.
157
00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:40,692
Service industry.
Fry cook. Prison guard.
158
00:07:40,694 --> 00:07:43,595
Maybe you're
a lighting guy
at a porn shoot.
159
00:07:43,597 --> 00:07:45,797
Which basically means
you hold up a flashlight
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00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:47,999
while adults do things.
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00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:49,868
He is a child, Ron!
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00:07:49,870 --> 00:07:52,237
Nah, nah, nah!
He's got hair
on his nugs.
163
00:07:52,239 --> 00:07:53,972
He's old enough
to hear this.
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00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:55,540
Your father
is a wise man.
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00:07:55,542 --> 00:07:57,776
I will lock you
in a closet!
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00:07:57,778 --> 00:07:59,911
Veronica,
here's the bottom line.
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00:08:00,913 --> 00:08:02,781
It's a very simple decision.
168
00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:08,553
It's either me or the job.
169
00:08:08,555 --> 00:08:10,755
It doesn't have
to be a choice, Ron.
170
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:13,625
Don't do this.
171
00:08:13,627 --> 00:08:16,828
Don't throw away
everything that we've
worked so hard for.
172
00:08:17,530 --> 00:08:18,663
Me...
173
00:08:20,199 --> 00:08:21,199
...or the job.
174
00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:38,884
SEAWORLD ANNOUNCER: Hello,
and welcome to the 3:10
175
00:08:38,886 --> 00:08:40,619
Dolphin Show at SeaWorld.
176
00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:42,921
Sponsored
by British Petroleum.
177
00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:45,657
B.P. Oil,
nature's best friend.
178
00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:48,793
And now, here's your host,
Ron Burgundy.
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00:08:48,795 --> 00:08:51,263
Good afternoon, everyone.
180
00:08:51,265 --> 00:08:54,299
And welcome
to world-famous SeaWorld,
181
00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:57,802
here in San Diago,
California.
182
00:08:57,804 --> 00:09:01,706
Here's a fun fact,
dolphins aren't fish.
They're mammals.
183
00:09:02,275 --> 00:09:05,210
Here's another fun fact,
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00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:08,046
I haven't felt the loving
embrace of a human being
185
00:09:08,781 --> 00:09:10,282
in over three months.
186
00:09:11,684 --> 00:09:12,851
(SOBBING)
187
00:09:14,820 --> 00:09:17,689
I'm so lonely
I paid a hobo to
spoon with me.
188
00:09:20,192 --> 00:09:22,827
Let's bring out
our world-class
trainers here,
189
00:09:22,829 --> 00:09:24,262
Jesse and Paula.
190
00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:26,031
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
191
00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:28,700
Thank you.
Thank you, Ron.
192
00:09:28,702 --> 00:09:30,068
Sometimes I try
to kiss 'em.
193
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:32,671
(BOTH LAUGHING)
194
00:09:32,673 --> 00:09:34,306
Oh, Ron Burgundy,
everyone.
195
00:09:34,308 --> 00:09:38,910
How about
the two trainers
kiss each other?
196
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:40,912
What do you say, huh?
197
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:44,049
So, let's say hello
to the stars of the show,
198
00:09:44,051 --> 00:09:46,651
Chippy and Roo-roo!
199
00:09:46,653 --> 00:09:48,987
RON: For your information,
Chippy was rehabilitated
200
00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:50,822
and Roo-roo
is an asshole.
201
00:09:51,123 --> 00:09:52,991
Ooh!
202
00:09:52,993 --> 00:09:55,293
Look, they're swimming
and doing tricks!
203
00:09:55,295 --> 00:09:57,128
Folks, what do you expect?
They're dolphins.
204
00:09:57,130 --> 00:09:58,763
(CLEARING THROAT)
(DOLPHIN CLICKING)
205
00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:00,365
What did you say?
206
00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:02,634
Look at you,
with that permanent smile.
207
00:10:02,636 --> 00:10:04,736
You think you're so smart,
with your secret language.
208
00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:06,338
You just fart out
of the top of your head.
209
00:10:06,340 --> 00:10:07,939
(IMITATES FARTING)
(AUDIENCE BOOING)
210
00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:11,009
You're a punk,
Ron Burgundy!
Boo!
211
00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:14,312
Children and animals
hate you, Ron Burgundy!
212
00:10:14,314 --> 00:10:17,082
I would eat dolphins
if it was legal!
213
00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:19,050
Unhand me,
you buffoons!
(GRUNTS)
214
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:24,122
All right, first,
you threw up in
the shark tank.
215
00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:26,825
Then you fed the seals
a chicken gyro?
216
00:10:26,827 --> 00:10:30,228
And now this?
You're fired, you
washed-up drunk!
217
00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:32,163
Guess what, Trevor?
218
00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:34,032
Every morning I get
here a half hour early
219
00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:36,368
and I sexually assault
a starfish!
220
00:10:36,370 --> 00:10:38,303
(GRUNTS)
221
00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:40,905
This is the end of the road.
I'm not turning back.
222
00:10:40,907 --> 00:10:42,874
(BARKING)
223
00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:44,843
Well, I know it's not
a pretty sight.
224
00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:45,810
And you're gonna be
the sole witness.
225
00:10:46,912 --> 00:10:49,014
If you can't handle it,
you leave the room.
226
00:10:50,182 --> 00:10:52,183
(SIGHS)
It's too late, Baxter.
227
00:10:52,185 --> 00:10:54,019
(BARKING)
228
00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:56,087
I'm going the way
of the ancient samurai
229
00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:57,756
who, when dishonored,
230
00:10:57,758 --> 00:10:59,891
would hang themselves
from a fluorescent light.
231
00:10:59,893 --> 00:11:01,359
(BARKING)
232
00:11:01,361 --> 00:11:03,928
Goodbye,
my sweet hairy prince.
233
00:11:05,131 --> 00:11:06,131
Oh!
(GLASS SHATTERING)
234
00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:07,098
(GROANS)
235
00:11:08,434 --> 00:11:09,968
Oh!
236
00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:12,103
Sweet cream on nipples!
237
00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:13,872
Uh, Mr. Burgundy?
238
00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:16,775
Hello, I...
Oh, my God!
239
00:11:17,276 --> 00:11:19,144
What the hell happened?
240
00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:21,146
Um... Um...
241
00:11:21,847 --> 00:11:23,882
I tried to hang myself?
242
00:11:23,884 --> 00:11:25,216
Because my life's a mess?
243
00:11:26,018 --> 00:11:28,153
And I saw no other option?
244
00:11:28,155 --> 00:11:30,088
I think you're
telling the truth,
245
00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:32,357
but why are you
saying it like
you're lying?
246
00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:35,326
It was a call for help?
But it didn't work because
247
00:11:35,328 --> 00:11:36,995
I'm too heavy
and the ceiling
lamp broke?
248
00:11:37,897 --> 00:11:39,931
Something like that?
249
00:11:39,933 --> 00:11:42,701
Yeah, I...
I think you're
telling the truth.
250
00:11:42,703 --> 00:11:44,269
I am.
That's what happened.
251
00:11:46,172 --> 00:11:49,708
RON: Mmm. These are
first-rate flapjacks.
252
00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:52,077
I'm telling you,
suicide makes
you hungry,
253
00:11:52,079 --> 00:11:53,945
I don't care
what anyone says.
254
00:11:53,947 --> 00:11:55,480
My name is Freddie Shapp,
255
00:11:55,482 --> 00:11:59,050
and I'm a producer
of a new kind of news.
256
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:01,219
We're starting
a 24-hour news channel.
257
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:02,854
First of its kind!
258
00:12:02,856 --> 00:12:05,724
GNN. The Global News Network.
259
00:12:05,726 --> 00:12:07,092
(LAUGHING)
260
00:12:08,227 --> 00:12:10,295
That is without a doubt
261
00:12:10,297 --> 00:12:12,997
the dumbest thing
I've ever heard.
262
00:12:12,999 --> 00:12:16,234
You mean news
going 24 hours
around the clock?
263
00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:18,770
A channel
that's never off,
in other words?
264
00:12:18,772 --> 00:12:22,474
Yeah. Yeah.
Just 24 hours. It's, uh...
(LAUGHING)
265
00:12:22,476 --> 00:12:26,177
No offense,
but you are
a stupid asshole.
266
00:12:26,179 --> 00:12:29,881
Mr. Burgundy,
I assure you we
are 100% for real.
267
00:12:29,883 --> 00:12:32,317
We've got state-of-the-art
facilities in Manhattan.
268
00:12:32,319 --> 00:12:35,053
And Kench Allenby,
multi-millionaire
269
00:12:35,055 --> 00:12:36,855
and owner of
Koala Airlines.
270
00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:39,157
So glad he was
acquitted of murder.
271
00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:41,760
I'm a big
Kench Allenby guy.
272
00:12:41,762 --> 00:12:44,429
He's funding
the whole network.
He believes in it.
273
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:46,531
I don't think you
understand, Freddie.
274
00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:49,400
My hero,
Mack Tannen, told me
275
00:12:49,402 --> 00:12:51,936
I was the worst journalist
he'd ever seen.
276
00:12:53,339 --> 00:12:55,240
I'm not good enough.
277
00:12:55,242 --> 00:12:56,875
Here.
278
00:12:56,877 --> 00:12:58,910
This is your
first week's salary.
279
00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:03,515
By the hymen
of Olivia Newton-John!
280
00:13:04,283 --> 00:13:05,550
What do you say, Ron?
281
00:13:07,553 --> 00:13:10,188
I'll take the job.
282
00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:13,091
And I swear I'll be
number one again.
283
00:13:13,959 --> 00:13:16,327
I'll take back my son,
284
00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:18,263
restore my reputation,
285
00:13:18,265 --> 00:13:20,198
and make everything
right with Veronica.
286
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,233
But more importantly,
287
00:13:22,235 --> 00:13:24,269
I'm going to do
what God put Ron Burgundy
288
00:13:24,271 --> 00:13:26,871
on this Earth to do.
289
00:13:26,873 --> 00:13:29,240
Have salon-quality hair
and read the news.
290
00:13:30,075 --> 00:13:33,545
Ron... You've made my day.
291
00:13:33,547 --> 00:13:36,247
I've got the best damn
news team in the world.
292
00:13:36,249 --> 00:13:39,250
Your call.
I just have to find them.
293
00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:41,452
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
294
00:13:48,060 --> 00:13:51,462
San Diago. Looks like
we begin our search
right here at home.
295
00:13:51,464 --> 00:13:53,364
Last I heard,
Champ Kind was fired
296
00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:55,567
for being drunk
on the air and saying,
297
00:13:55,569 --> 00:13:57,535
"The only Olympic sport
Filipinos are good at
298
00:13:57,537 --> 00:13:59,304
"is eating cats and dogs."
299
00:13:59,306 --> 00:14:01,472
(BAXTER BARKING)
(LAUGHS)
300
00:14:02,975 --> 00:14:05,143
Who loves chicken?
You do!
WOMEN: We do!
301
00:14:05,145 --> 00:14:07,445
♪ Delicious chicken
Swing on through
302
00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:09,614
♪ Meet the crew, hoo-hoo! ♪
303
00:14:09,616 --> 00:14:12,183
I'm local San Diego
legend Champ Kind,
304
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,885
and I believe
in two things.
305
00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:15,954
Good chicken,
and that the census
306
00:14:15,956 --> 00:14:19,190
is a way for
the U.N. to make
your children gay.
307
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:21,359
So come on by
and grab a wing.
308
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:24,529
'Cause when you do,
you'll say, "Whammy!"
309
00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:26,397
No Catholics
or Jews admitted.
310
00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:27,899
All right,
there you go.
311
00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:30,969
One Whammy Special,
with Whammy Slaw.
312
00:14:30,971 --> 00:14:33,872
There's a used Band-Aid
in my coleslaw.
313
00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:35,607
My gosh, let me
take care of that.
314
00:14:35,609 --> 00:14:37,242
Get out of here before
315
00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:39,477
I smash your head in,
you Commie bastard!
316
00:14:39,479 --> 00:14:41,479
If you're from the census,
you take me off your list!
317
00:14:43,349 --> 00:14:45,617
You never did have much
of a bedside manner, Champ.
318
00:14:45,619 --> 00:14:47,986
Ron? Ron Burgundy?
319
00:14:47,988 --> 00:14:50,255
Get over here!
How are you, friend?
320
00:14:50,257 --> 00:14:52,590
God, I have
longed for you.
321
00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:54,125
It's good to
see you, too.
322
00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:55,260
Oh, this feels
like home.
323
00:14:56,128 --> 00:14:57,462
Are you all right?
324
00:14:57,464 --> 00:14:59,631
Yeah, I'm fine.
Better now.
325
00:14:59,633 --> 00:15:02,033
Okay, let's break
the huddle here, huh?
326
00:15:03,235 --> 00:15:04,602
Okay. All right.
All right.
327
00:15:04,604 --> 00:15:06,471
You get back here! Oh!
328
00:15:06,473 --> 00:15:08,473
Don't be weird!
329
00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:10,942
CHAMP: So, anyway,
Harken sat me down, he said,
330
00:15:10,944 --> 00:15:14,112
"Champ, you're a dangerous
alcoholic, a racist,
331
00:15:14,114 --> 00:15:16,481
"and I don't think
you know a lick
about sports."
332
00:15:16,483 --> 00:15:18,950
And I said,
"Ed, you dirty Polack,
333
00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:20,418
"it's 10:00 in the morning.
334
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:23,021
"Let's go have some drinks
and go to a baseball game
335
00:15:23,023 --> 00:15:26,024
"where the Mexicans
hit some touchdowns."
Then he fires me!
336
00:15:26,026 --> 00:15:28,293
Fortunately,
on the way out the door,
337
00:15:28,295 --> 00:15:30,328
I fake a work injury.
338
00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:32,397
With the settlement,
I bought this place.
339
00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:34,132
Well, I'm glad to see you
landed on your feet, Champ.
340
00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:37,235
Listen, can I ask
you a question?
341
00:15:37,237 --> 00:15:38,403
Sure. Anything.
342
00:15:39,138 --> 00:15:40,571
Is... Is this chicken?
343
00:15:40,573 --> 00:15:43,074
Oh, hell, no.
344
00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:44,575
It's really impossible
to turn a profit
345
00:15:44,577 --> 00:15:46,444
if you serve real chicken.
346
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:48,313
Yeah. We use mainly bats.
347
00:15:48,315 --> 00:15:49,647
What?
348
00:15:49,649 --> 00:15:52,283
Yeah. But the
good quality kind.
349
00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:55,219
That's the most
horrible thing
I've ever heard.
350
00:15:55,221 --> 00:15:57,255
Yeah? You got to do
what you got to do, right?
351
00:15:57,257 --> 00:15:59,457
So what you got to do
is serve fried bats?
352
00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:02,160
Yep. Do you know
what they call bats?
353
00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:04,562
Bats.
"Chicken of the cave."
354
00:16:04,564 --> 00:16:06,497
No one calls them
"chicken of the cave."
355
00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:08,366
Who's "they,"
by the way?
356
00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:10,568
There's a guy I met
named Paco,
357
00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:12,403
sells bikers speed
at the pier.
358
00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:14,339
So that guy
calls them
359
00:16:14,341 --> 00:16:15,340
"chicken of
the cave."
Yeah.
360
00:16:16,175 --> 00:16:17,976
That's not "they."
361
00:16:17,978 --> 00:16:20,178
Why don't you
have a bite and
stop judging it?
362
00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:21,579
I'm not going
to bite into
a fried bat.
363
00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:23,114
It's delicious.
364
00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:24,582
It's all tendon.
Look at it.
365
00:16:24,584 --> 00:16:26,284
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
366
00:16:27,419 --> 00:16:29,120
Was that a bat?
367
00:16:29,122 --> 00:16:31,289
Chicken of the cave.
368
00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:33,257
What brings
you here, Ron?
369
00:16:33,259 --> 00:16:36,427
My friend,
we've got a job.
In New York City.
370
00:16:36,429 --> 00:16:38,396
Whammy! I'm in!
371
00:16:38,398 --> 00:16:39,530
You've got yourself
a sportscaster.
372
00:16:39,532 --> 00:16:40,565
Oh, great.
373
00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:41,666
Denny!
374
00:16:43,302 --> 00:16:45,269
Lock up!
375
00:16:45,271 --> 00:16:46,604
Any idea where
Brian Fantana is?
376
00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:48,306
You haven't heard?
377
00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:49,640
Fantana hit the big time.
378
00:16:50,275 --> 00:16:52,210
Aw, baby.
379
00:16:53,612 --> 00:16:57,348
Yeah, that's it,
play for me.
Just play around.
380
00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:59,450
Roll around and lift
those legs up. Mmm!
381
00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:03,121
You are a hairy little thing,
aren't you?
382
00:17:03,123 --> 00:17:04,322
(BRIAN GROWLS)
(CAMERA CLICKING)
383
00:17:04,324 --> 00:17:07,492
Yeah. Oh, I like
what's happening!
384
00:17:07,494 --> 00:17:10,395
Oh, that's it.
Yeah. Yeah.
385
00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:13,031
Oh, you little fuzzball,
that's... Oh!
386
00:17:15,334 --> 00:17:17,502
I got it.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
387
00:17:17,504 --> 00:17:19,570
It's not getting
any better than that.
388
00:17:20,506 --> 00:17:22,507
That's brilliant!
Yeah, yeah.
389
00:17:22,509 --> 00:17:24,108
Hey, Brian,
you have any time
for the little people?
390
00:17:27,746 --> 00:17:29,714
Well, I'll be
a son of a bitch.
391
00:17:30,482 --> 00:17:32,050
(ALL LAUGHING)
392
00:17:33,452 --> 00:17:35,653
Hey, Brian.
Champ! How you doing?
393
00:17:35,655 --> 00:17:37,255
Hey!
394
00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:38,556
Wow. This is a...
Cool it!
395
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,358
Oh, I can't believe...
396
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:42,060
Oh, wow.
It's great
to see you!
397
00:17:42,062 --> 00:17:45,196
Welcome.
Welcome to my doj'.
398
00:17:45,198 --> 00:17:46,431
This place is
spectacular!
It's amazing.
399
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:48,132
A bit chaotic today.
400
00:17:48,134 --> 00:17:50,134
We got the Cat Fancy
cover coming out.
401
00:17:50,136 --> 00:17:51,736
You know how
that can be.
Ooh.
402
00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:53,304
I've been living
in a tent for the
last two years.
403
00:17:53,306 --> 00:17:54,639
Oh, yeah,
this is not that.
404
00:17:54,641 --> 00:17:56,407
We got a sauna
in the kitchen.
405
00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:58,176
A lot of people
think that's weird,
406
00:17:58,178 --> 00:18:00,078
but I keep wine in it.
407
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,313
I'm not a wine guy,
but I know you got
to keep it hot.
408
00:18:02,315 --> 00:18:04,382
Oh, and check this out.
409
00:18:04,384 --> 00:18:06,517
This...
This was fun.
410
00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:07,819
We shot this over
two weeks in Prague.
411
00:18:07,821 --> 00:18:09,487
RON: Wow.
412
00:18:09,489 --> 00:18:11,722
You know what
they call cats?
413
00:18:11,724 --> 00:18:14,258
Chicken of the
rail yard.
No.
414
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:16,227
What?
Don't indulge him.
415
00:18:16,229 --> 00:18:17,695
Yeah.
CHAMP: There's a lot of meat.
416
00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:19,530
But I love it. (CHUCKLES)
417
00:18:19,532 --> 00:18:22,166
And what's so
great about it is
it's so damn true.
418
00:18:22,168 --> 00:18:23,534
I hate Mondays!
419
00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:25,436
I'm not a Monday guy.
420
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:27,505
Ron hates Mondays.
421
00:18:27,507 --> 00:18:29,707
Hell, I'm not crazy
about them, either.
422
00:18:29,709 --> 00:18:31,576
I also don't like Tuesdays,
Wednesdays or Thursdays.
423
00:18:31,578 --> 00:18:33,478
(ALL LAUGHING)
424
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:35,179
So why are you
guys here, anyway?
425
00:18:35,181 --> 00:18:36,714
Well, Brian,
426
00:18:36,716 --> 00:18:39,150
we're getting the news team
back together again.
427
00:18:39,152 --> 00:18:40,618
Really?
428
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,520
And, of course,
we want to know
if you'll join us.
429
00:18:42,522 --> 00:18:44,355
Jeez, I don't know.
430
00:18:44,357 --> 00:18:46,624
I kind of got the world
by the tail here. I...
431
00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:48,326
I don't know if I can.
432
00:18:48,328 --> 00:18:49,827
Christ, I get it.
433
00:18:49,829 --> 00:18:51,696
I mean, you're
the Quincy Jones
of cat photographers.
434
00:18:51,698 --> 00:18:53,397
Why would you
leave all this?
435
00:18:53,399 --> 00:18:54,832
RON: Hey, Brian,
I don't know if you heard,
436
00:18:54,834 --> 00:18:57,201
but New York has
all-nude strip clubs.
437
00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:02,540
The question
still remains...
438
00:19:02,542 --> 00:19:04,142
Where's Brick Tamland?
439
00:19:04,144 --> 00:19:05,443
Oh.
440
00:19:05,445 --> 00:19:07,145
You guys didn't hear?
441
00:19:07,147 --> 00:19:08,513
No, what happened?
442
00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:09,480
Brick's...
443
00:19:11,250 --> 00:19:12,416
Dead.
444
00:19:21,226 --> 00:19:22,560
BRIAN: Brick was
lost at sea
445
00:19:22,562 --> 00:19:24,529
about a year ago.
RON: Oh.
446
00:19:24,531 --> 00:19:26,664
Thought he saw
a bird and he swam
out to pet it.
447
00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:28,432
He never came back.
448
00:19:28,434 --> 00:19:30,935
(PEOPLE SOBBING)
We all loved Brick,
449
00:19:30,937 --> 00:19:33,571
even though he never
had a phone number,
450
00:19:33,573 --> 00:19:36,941
or address or
Social Security number.
451
00:19:36,943 --> 00:19:38,843
In six years of
working at the station,
452
00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:40,511
he never cashed
a paycheck.
453
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:41,812
That sweet Brick.
454
00:19:41,814 --> 00:19:43,447
ED: He was a
sensitive man, though.
455
00:19:43,449 --> 00:19:45,616
He told me he wanted
to donate his organs
456
00:19:45,618 --> 00:19:48,686
to science
before he died,
457
00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:50,688
so he could see
where they ended up.
458
00:19:51,623 --> 00:19:53,658
He'll long
be remembered
459
00:19:53,660 --> 00:19:54,959
and he'll be
sorely missed.
460
00:19:56,495 --> 00:19:57,628
(SIGHS)
461
00:20:00,299 --> 00:20:01,732
Thank you, Reverend.
462
00:20:02,467 --> 00:20:04,835
Oh.
Oh, come on!
463
00:20:04,837 --> 00:20:07,205
BRICK: Brick was a great man.
(SCOFFS) Really?
464
00:20:07,207 --> 00:20:08,773
And I will miss
him so much.
465
00:20:08,775 --> 00:20:11,342
And I will not rest
until I find his killer.
466
00:20:11,344 --> 00:20:13,277
What?
His killer?
467
00:20:13,279 --> 00:20:15,546
It is hard for me
to believe that
he is gone. (SOBS)
468
00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:18,649
BRIAN: He's not gone.
469
00:20:18,651 --> 00:20:21,586
(SOBBING) I feel that
I just saw him yesterday.
470
00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:23,588
You were probably talking
to yourself in a mirror.
471
00:20:23,590 --> 00:20:26,924
When I got the news...
(CONTINUES SOBBING)
472
00:20:26,926 --> 00:20:29,860
I didn't even know
how to make sense out of it!
473
00:20:29,862 --> 00:20:31,429
None of us understand!
474
00:20:31,431 --> 00:20:33,731
(SHOUTS) Why? Why?
475
00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:36,000
Why did you take
him from us?
476
00:20:36,002 --> 00:20:38,302
You're clearly standing
in front of us, Brick.
477
00:20:38,304 --> 00:20:39,770
God damn you!
478
00:20:39,772 --> 00:20:41,939
Brick!
Brick is dead!
479
00:20:41,941 --> 00:20:43,708
RON: No, Brick's alive.
Brick is dead!
480
00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:45,409
Look at him!
He's not dead.
481
00:20:45,411 --> 00:20:46,544
He's not dead, Brick.
You're not dead.
482
00:20:46,546 --> 00:20:47,812
You're Brick!
Brick, it's you!
483
00:20:47,814 --> 00:20:49,614
He's dead!
484
00:20:49,616 --> 00:20:52,750
No! You are Brick!
Touch yourself.
485
00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:55,386
I am Brick?
ALL: Yes!
486
00:20:55,388 --> 00:20:57,588
I'm alive?
ALL: Yes!
487
00:20:57,590 --> 00:20:58,856
(LAUGHING JOYFULLY)
ED: Of course.
488
00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:00,558
Of course you are.
489
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,426
Oh, for heaven's sake.
490
00:21:02,428 --> 00:21:04,662
You kind of want
to slug him.
You want to slug him.
491
00:21:04,664 --> 00:21:06,364
(ANCHORMEN LAUGHING)
492
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:11,936
RON: Do you remember our
Easter trip to San Francisco?
493
00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:14,839
We got so drunk,
we put Brick in
a refrigerator box
494
00:21:14,841 --> 00:21:17,341
and threw him off
the Golden Gate Bridge.
495
00:21:18,510 --> 00:21:21,479
I broke my back!
(ALL LAUGHING)
496
00:21:21,481 --> 00:21:23,347
What about the time
that you dared Champ
497
00:21:23,349 --> 00:21:25,750
to drink that beer stein
full of Woolite?
498
00:21:25,752 --> 00:21:27,952
He drained it faster
than you could say,
"No, don't do it.
499
00:21:27,954 --> 00:21:29,720
"That's the equivalent
of drinking poison."
500
00:21:29,722 --> 00:21:31,889
(ALL LAUGHING)
501
00:21:31,891 --> 00:21:35,426
Oh, Lord,
I was in a
six-month coma.
502
00:21:35,428 --> 00:21:37,728
And they say from the
neurological damage,
503
00:21:37,730 --> 00:21:40,398
there's no way
I live past 55!
(LAUGHING)
504
00:21:42,668 --> 00:21:44,602
You got three
years left, my friend.
505
00:21:44,604 --> 00:21:46,337
You're gonna die!
506
00:21:48,707 --> 00:21:51,375
Hey, hey, remember?
I was by myself
507
00:21:51,377 --> 00:21:54,478
and I had that dream
about the orange tree.
508
00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:56,914
But instead of oranges,
it had babies on it.
509
00:21:57,883 --> 00:22:00,985
It was a baby tree!
(LAUGHING)
510
00:22:00,987 --> 00:22:03,754
Brick, how could
we remember?
It's your dream.
511
00:22:03,756 --> 00:22:06,590
(LAUGHING) I don't know.
It's all the same thing.
512
00:22:09,094 --> 00:22:11,929
It's an interesting dream,
but we're telling stories
513
00:22:11,931 --> 00:22:13,764
involving the entire
news team from the past.
514
00:22:13,766 --> 00:22:16,000
(BRICK LAUGHS)
515
00:22:16,002 --> 00:22:21,005
Or how about the time
when I was born and
I came out of the vagina?
516
00:22:21,007 --> 00:22:22,807
(LAUGHING)
517
00:22:22,809 --> 00:22:27,511
I was screaming,
"Here I come! Oh!
Here I come, Mom!"
518
00:22:29,715 --> 00:22:32,450
First off, Brick,
I highly doubt you
remember your own birth.
519
00:22:32,452 --> 00:22:35,019
And, once again,
we weren't there.
520
00:22:35,021 --> 00:22:36,420
(CONTINUES LAUGHING)
521
00:22:38,490 --> 00:22:40,124
Ron, I can't...
522
00:22:40,126 --> 00:22:42,827
I can't stop laughing, Ron!
523
00:22:42,829 --> 00:22:44,662
Put a pencil in his mouth.
524
00:22:44,664 --> 00:22:45,730
RON: It's okay.
525
00:22:46,565 --> 00:22:47,798
CHAMP: There you go.
526
00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:49,900
I'm okay now.
527
00:22:49,902 --> 00:22:52,837
Man, this just feels right!
The news team is back!
528
00:22:52,839 --> 00:22:54,038
Ron,
529
00:22:54,940 --> 00:22:57,575
Brian, Brick,
me, even Baxter!
530
00:22:57,577 --> 00:22:59,710
(BARKING)
(LAUGHING)
531
00:22:59,712 --> 00:23:01,545
That old man
is so little and hairy!
532
00:23:02,881 --> 00:23:04,448
Hey, Ron, who's driving?
533
00:23:04,450 --> 00:23:05,916
Oh, it's okay,
it's on cruise control.
534
00:23:08,687 --> 00:23:11,088
Who wants some
chimichangas, huh?
535
00:23:11,090 --> 00:23:12,790
Best thing I ever
did was install
536
00:23:12,792 --> 00:23:14,825
this deep fryer
in the 'bago.
537
00:23:14,827 --> 00:23:17,461
Ron, why do you have
this bag of bowling balls
538
00:23:17,463 --> 00:23:19,730
and this terrarium filled
with scorpions?
539
00:23:19,732 --> 00:23:22,867
Oh, it's a long,
crazy story!
BRIAN: Hey, Ron.
540
00:23:22,869 --> 00:23:24,802
Cruise control
just regulates speed,
it doesn't steer.
541
00:23:26,104 --> 00:23:27,438
Come again?
CHAMP: Oh!
542
00:23:27,739 --> 00:23:29,073
(HONKING)
543
00:23:29,075 --> 00:23:30,541
(TIRES SCREECHING)
544
00:23:33,645 --> 00:23:35,479
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
545
00:23:39,418 --> 00:23:40,785
(SCREAMING)
546
00:23:48,693 --> 00:23:50,194
(SCREAMS)
547
00:23:54,199 --> 00:23:56,700
(SNARLING)
(SCREAMING)
548
00:24:02,808 --> 00:24:04,975
(RON WHIMPERING)
549
00:24:07,179 --> 00:24:08,913
(SCREAMING)
550
00:24:11,783 --> 00:24:13,050
(GROANING)
551
00:24:27,165 --> 00:24:29,633
RON: Well, that is gonna
make one hell of a story.
552
00:24:29,635 --> 00:24:31,068
(ALL LAUGHING)
553
00:24:37,242 --> 00:24:40,578
The Big Apple.
Ron Burgundy is back.
554
00:24:40,580 --> 00:24:42,646
CHAMP: Why do they call it
the Big Apple, Ron?
555
00:24:42,648 --> 00:24:44,949
RON: Because New York has
an apple tree on every street.
556
00:24:48,119 --> 00:24:50,821
Here we are.
Welcome to GNN.
557
00:24:54,493 --> 00:24:57,094
I don't know, Ron.
You sure about
this place?
558
00:24:57,096 --> 00:24:59,697
Guys, I know it's
a bit of a mess,
but trust me,
559
00:24:59,699 --> 00:25:02,600
everything will
be ready for the
launch tomorrow.
560
00:25:02,602 --> 00:25:06,270
And we've culled the
whole country for
the best newsmen.
561
00:25:06,272 --> 00:25:07,905
There's Curtis Knightfish
from Houston.
562
00:25:07,907 --> 00:25:09,540
Oh, Curtis Knightfish.
563
00:25:09,542 --> 00:25:11,242
They don't get
any better than that.
564
00:25:11,244 --> 00:25:14,945
FREDDIE: And there's Diane
Yahwea from Carson City.
565
00:25:14,947 --> 00:25:16,881
Diane Yahwea.
You know what they
call her, right?
566
00:25:16,883 --> 00:25:18,649
"All the Way Yahwea."
567
00:25:18,651 --> 00:25:20,150
She's my aunt.
568
00:25:20,152 --> 00:25:22,186
And the best
in the biz.
569
00:25:22,188 --> 00:25:25,256
Jack Lime,
out of Chicago.
570
00:25:25,258 --> 00:25:29,593
Rumor is Allenby
is giving him
one mil a year.
571
00:25:29,595 --> 00:25:30,995
That's crazy.
Who's worth that
kind of money?
572
00:25:33,098 --> 00:25:36,834
RON: Oh, my God!
He's absolutely
magnificent!
573
00:25:36,836 --> 00:25:39,203
I bet his poop
smells like sandalwood.
574
00:25:39,205 --> 00:25:41,138
Can I help you, guy?
575
00:25:41,140 --> 00:25:42,740
(STAMMERS)
What was that?
576
00:25:42,742 --> 00:25:44,241
I said,
"Can I help you, guy?"
577
00:25:44,243 --> 00:25:46,877
Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)
What do you mean?
578
00:25:46,879 --> 00:25:49,013
Well, you're staring
at me, hotshot.
579
00:25:49,015 --> 00:25:50,848
Do you want
my autograph?
580
00:25:50,850 --> 00:25:52,883
(BOTH LAUGHING)
581
00:25:52,885 --> 00:25:54,818
No, he was
just explaining
582
00:25:54,820 --> 00:25:56,854
who you were and I
was looking at you.
583
00:25:56,856 --> 00:25:58,088
And then he
said something
584
00:25:58,090 --> 00:26:00,024
and I was still
looking at you.
585
00:26:00,026 --> 00:26:02,126
(MUMBLES MOCKINGLY)
586
00:26:06,765 --> 00:26:08,699
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Jack Lime is a great man!
587
00:26:08,701 --> 00:26:11,035
(LAUGHING)
588
00:26:11,037 --> 00:26:12,069
Is that what I sound
like when I talk?
589
00:26:12,071 --> 00:26:13,837
(MUMBLES MOCKINGLY)
590
00:26:13,839 --> 00:26:15,172
(ALL LAUGHING)
591
00:26:16,174 --> 00:26:17,775
Is there a problem?
592
00:26:17,777 --> 00:26:20,044
No, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
No problem.
593
00:26:20,046 --> 00:26:22,112
Well, you're making
a face like you
got a problem.
594
00:26:22,114 --> 00:26:24,114
Um, I'm sorry that
I'm making that face.
595
00:26:24,116 --> 00:26:25,849
I don't mean
to make a face
596
00:26:25,851 --> 00:26:27,151
that seems like
I have a problem.
597
00:26:27,153 --> 00:26:28,886
I don't like that face!
598
00:26:28,888 --> 00:26:30,321
You need to change it,
and change it quick.
599
00:26:30,323 --> 00:26:31,822
Stop making that face.
600
00:26:31,824 --> 00:26:33,824
Is this face better?
601
00:26:33,826 --> 00:26:38,095
Oh, that new face
is driving me crazy!
Change it, now!
602
00:26:38,097 --> 00:26:39,597
You're getting him mad.
603
00:26:39,599 --> 00:26:41,231
I only have so many faces.
604
00:26:43,134 --> 00:26:45,135
I'm just grinding your
gears, man. (LAUGHS)
605
00:26:45,137 --> 00:26:47,171
Welcome to the station!
606
00:26:47,173 --> 00:26:49,340
We're going to have
a good time together.
607
00:26:50,642 --> 00:26:54,612
Oh, my God.
That's vintage Jack Lime.
608
00:26:54,614 --> 00:26:55,813
Come on, guys.
609
00:26:55,815 --> 00:26:57,648
Let's go meet the boss.
610
00:26:57,650 --> 00:26:59,650
FREDDIE: We'll have
separate cameras
611
00:26:59,652 --> 00:27:02,786
for you,
and then sports
and then weather.
612
00:27:02,788 --> 00:27:04,955
Let me ask you this,
Freddie, how's the
new head honcho?
613
00:27:04,957 --> 00:27:09,059
Well, Linda Jackson has
a shelf full of Emmys.
614
00:27:09,061 --> 00:27:12,930
She's as tough as nails.
And Linda loves to win.
615
00:27:12,932 --> 00:27:15,132
Oh, hey, Linda!
616
00:27:15,134 --> 00:27:18,268
I want to introduce you
to Ron Burgundy.
617
00:27:18,270 --> 00:27:21,105
Linda Jackson.
How are you,
my friend?
618
00:27:21,107 --> 00:27:21,972
FREDDIE: Ron.
619
00:27:22,974 --> 00:27:24,308
This is Linda Jackson.
620
00:27:25,210 --> 00:27:26,310
Hello, Mr. Burgundy.
621
00:27:27,045 --> 00:27:28,846
Oh. Uh...
622
00:27:29,848 --> 00:27:30,881
Black.
623
00:27:32,417 --> 00:27:34,118
Black.
Jesus, just stop, Ron.
624
00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:36,420
I'm terribly sorry.
625
00:27:36,422 --> 00:27:38,756
I don't know why
I can't stop saying...
626
00:27:39,424 --> 00:27:41,291
Black. The word "black."
627
00:27:41,293 --> 00:27:43,027
Hello, Mr. Burgundy.
628
00:27:43,029 --> 00:27:44,928
Black.
Stop.
629
00:27:44,930 --> 00:27:46,230
Black.
630
00:27:46,232 --> 00:27:47,197
Stop saying "black."
631
00:27:52,404 --> 00:27:55,339
Black. If I don't
say it, I'll pass out.
Stop saying it!
632
00:27:55,341 --> 00:27:57,408
Uh, Donna, can you please
get me a cup of coffee?
633
00:27:57,410 --> 00:27:59,677
Right away,
Ms. Jackson.
Thank you.
634
00:27:59,679 --> 00:28:01,812
Please be seated.
Everyone.
Sure.
635
00:28:01,814 --> 00:28:02,913
LINDA: Please be seated.
636
00:28:05,984 --> 00:28:08,686
Great. So I know that
all of you are aware
637
00:28:08,688 --> 00:28:10,254
that the news community
is laughing
638
00:28:10,256 --> 00:28:12,356
at what we're trying to do
here at 24-hour news.
639
00:28:12,358 --> 00:28:13,957
But that is why
they brought me in.
640
00:28:13,959 --> 00:28:15,225
She's the best!
641
00:28:15,227 --> 00:28:17,895
You see, gentlemen,
I don't lose.
642
00:28:17,897 --> 00:28:19,463
Listen, I feel like
I need to clear the air.
643
00:28:19,465 --> 00:28:21,365
Oh, please don't.
644
00:28:21,367 --> 00:28:23,167
I want to say, on behalf
of the entire news team,
645
00:28:23,169 --> 00:28:26,203
we are huge
supporters of all
646
00:28:26,205 --> 00:28:27,971
African and Americans.
647
00:28:27,973 --> 00:28:30,474
Veronica got so tan!
648
00:28:30,476 --> 00:28:33,210
I remember the first
African and American
I ever saw.
649
00:28:33,212 --> 00:28:35,112
It's African-American.
650
00:28:35,114 --> 00:28:37,147
Are you sure?
Yeah.
651
00:28:37,149 --> 00:28:39,349
Absolutely 100% positive?
It isn't like...
652
00:28:39,351 --> 00:28:40,718
Ron... (CHUCKLES)
653
00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:42,386
Fish and chips?
654
00:28:42,388 --> 00:28:44,888
Hey, we're all the
same on the inside,
655
00:28:44,890 --> 00:28:46,824
stinky and pink.
656
00:28:46,826 --> 00:28:48,192
When I was in high school,
me and my buddies
657
00:28:48,194 --> 00:28:49,893
used to sneak in
the girls' locker room.
658
00:28:49,895 --> 00:28:51,261
We'd peek at the girls
in the shower,
659
00:28:51,263 --> 00:28:53,097
and I'd look
at all of them,
660
00:28:53,099 --> 00:28:54,765
no matter what
color they were.
661
00:28:54,767 --> 00:28:56,233
So...
662
00:28:56,235 --> 00:28:59,403
Jesus, this is the worst
meeting I've ever been in.
663
00:28:59,405 --> 00:29:02,005
A black man follows me
everywhere when it's sunny.
664
00:29:02,007 --> 00:29:03,841
Actually, I think that's
your shadow, Brick.
665
00:29:03,843 --> 00:29:05,776
I call him Leon.
666
00:29:05,778 --> 00:29:07,444
And if it's a cloudy day,
what happens to Leon?
667
00:29:07,446 --> 00:29:09,012
He goes home.
668
00:29:09,014 --> 00:29:10,981
It's your shadow.
He's talking about
his shadow.
669
00:29:10,983 --> 00:29:13,117
Shut your damn mouths!
Sit down!
670
00:29:15,954 --> 00:29:17,387
What's he doing?
671
00:29:17,389 --> 00:29:19,923
I think you scared him.
You can't shout at Brick.
672
00:29:19,925 --> 00:29:22,092
Is he all right?
673
00:29:22,094 --> 00:29:24,394
Can you sing him
a soothing siren song?
674
00:29:24,396 --> 00:29:25,796
Just a high melodic...
675
00:29:25,798 --> 00:29:27,364
(VOCALIZING)
676
00:29:28,933 --> 00:29:29,900
I'm not singing
along with you.
677
00:29:31,169 --> 00:29:33,170
Oh, come on,
Brick. Brick!
678
00:29:33,172 --> 00:29:33,971
Linda has a balloon.
679
00:29:38,409 --> 00:29:40,077
You better get
him a balloon.
680
00:29:40,079 --> 00:29:41,178
Is this for real, Freddie?
681
00:29:41,180 --> 00:29:42,980
Linda, I'm sorry.
682
00:29:42,982 --> 00:29:44,982
No, it's okay!
It's okay.
683
00:29:44,984 --> 00:29:46,917
So you have a black boss,
and it's freaking you out.
684
00:29:46,919 --> 00:29:48,352
Is it freaking you out?
685
00:29:48,354 --> 00:29:50,354
A little bit,
to be honest.
You freaked out?
686
00:29:50,356 --> 00:29:52,156
Is it freaking you out?
Oh, she's got a knife!
687
00:29:52,158 --> 00:29:54,858
I don't give a shit!
688
00:29:54,860 --> 00:29:56,160
We're not all here
to hold hands
and sing Kumbaya.
689
00:29:56,828 --> 00:29:58,495
Black.
690
00:29:58,497 --> 00:30:00,330
So as long as
you guys get numbers,
691
00:30:00,332 --> 00:30:03,033
we are gonna
get along just fine.
692
00:30:03,035 --> 00:30:06,103
Now, if you don't,
I am gonna be icy.
693
00:30:06,105 --> 00:30:07,437
And unpleasant, you dig?
694
00:30:07,439 --> 00:30:10,574
I dig. We all dig.
695
00:30:10,576 --> 00:30:12,843
I like to dig.
One time I went digging
696
00:30:12,845 --> 00:30:14,945
for treasure
and I found
a half a body.
697
00:30:15,513 --> 00:30:17,581
Get out of my office!
698
00:30:17,583 --> 00:30:19,449
I'm telling you,
you can't give
699
00:30:19,451 --> 00:30:21,985
an inch in
those situations,
700
00:30:21,987 --> 00:30:23,954
and I think we
held our ground
pretty firmly.
701
00:30:23,956 --> 00:30:27,357
Guys. Guys, we got
you an apartment
702
00:30:27,359 --> 00:30:30,294
on the Upper East Side
and a whole new wardrobe.
703
00:30:30,296 --> 00:30:33,263
That's wonderful!
When do we begin
our broadcast?
704
00:30:33,265 --> 00:30:34,531
Well, the big launch
is tomorrow
705
00:30:34,533 --> 00:30:36,600
at 12:00 noon.
Okay.
706
00:30:36,602 --> 00:30:40,571
You guys are slotted
for the 2:00 a.m.
to 5:00 a.m. slot.
707
00:30:40,573 --> 00:30:44,141
What? That's
the graveyard shift!
708
00:30:44,143 --> 00:30:46,243
"I ain't afraid
of no ghost."
709
00:30:46,245 --> 00:30:48,245
Oh, come on,
it's going
to be great.
710
00:30:48,247 --> 00:30:50,113
Let's get your keys.
Come on!
711
00:30:50,115 --> 00:30:52,482
(PHONE RINGING)
712
00:30:52,484 --> 00:30:55,118
FREDDIE: Of course
there's gonna be booze.
Of course.
713
00:30:57,088 --> 00:30:58,922
(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
714
00:31:17,475 --> 00:31:19,476
BRICK: It won't stop.
715
00:31:19,478 --> 00:31:22,246
Sometimes it stops,
but then it starts again.
716
00:31:24,549 --> 00:31:27,217
What are you doing,
Chani? Answer it!
717
00:31:28,486 --> 00:31:30,420
Hi. Yes, let me
transfer you.
718
00:31:31,522 --> 00:31:34,191
Your job is to
answer the phones.
719
00:31:34,193 --> 00:31:36,526
I'm getting ready
for Secret Santa.
When is that again?
720
00:31:36,528 --> 00:31:39,162
It's at Christmastime.
When else would it be?
721
00:31:40,632 --> 00:31:43,033
(CLEARS THROAT)
722
00:31:43,035 --> 00:31:44,635
I'm Brick.
I was dead last week.
723
00:31:45,336 --> 00:31:47,504
I'm Chani.
724
00:31:47,506 --> 00:31:50,407
I like the place
between your head
and your body.
725
00:31:50,409 --> 00:31:51,975
I like your hair.
726
00:31:53,478 --> 00:31:55,045
It looks like wet popcorn.
727
00:31:55,647 --> 00:31:57,547
Thank you.
728
00:31:57,549 --> 00:31:58,916
Would you like to see
the smile that I use
729
00:31:58,918 --> 00:32:00,083
when I pose for
photographs?
730
00:32:02,687 --> 00:32:04,288
Do you want to see
the face I make
731
00:32:04,290 --> 00:32:05,956
when I see a snake
made out of candy?
732
00:32:06,224 --> 00:32:07,190
Yes.
733
00:32:10,461 --> 00:32:11,428
That's good.
734
00:32:12,630 --> 00:32:14,097
What's your favorite
time of day?
735
00:32:14,332 --> 00:32:15,299
Now.
736
00:32:17,035 --> 00:32:18,535
What's your favorite
time of day?
737
00:32:18,537 --> 00:32:20,003
A minute ago.
738
00:32:21,172 --> 00:32:22,306
Um...
739
00:32:40,525 --> 00:32:42,159
(CHUCKLES)
740
00:32:59,711 --> 00:33:01,712
Surprise!
Big daddy's back.
741
00:33:01,714 --> 00:33:02,980
Ron.
742
00:33:04,682 --> 00:33:06,550
What are you doing here?
743
00:33:06,552 --> 00:33:09,720
I'm over at GNN.
I'm living in
the city again.
744
00:33:09,722 --> 00:33:12,422
I really wish that
you would have
called first.
745
00:33:12,424 --> 00:33:14,458
Look, it doesn't
matter whose fault the
break-up was, okay?
746
00:33:14,460 --> 00:33:16,360
I was stubborn.
747
00:33:16,362 --> 00:33:18,462
You were like
a mentally ill whore
748
00:33:18,464 --> 00:33:20,731
having PMS from the 1800s.
749
00:33:20,733 --> 00:33:22,699
What's your point, Ron?
750
00:33:22,701 --> 00:33:24,568
The point is
751
00:33:24,570 --> 00:33:27,237
(SIGHS) I'm back home.
752
00:33:27,239 --> 00:33:29,306
And I want to spend
the rest of my life...
753
00:33:29,308 --> 00:33:30,574
MAN: Honey, who is it?
754
00:33:36,681 --> 00:33:39,082
Hi, Ron. I'm Gary,
Veronica's lover.
755
00:33:48,059 --> 00:33:50,727
So, is that
a gift for me, Ron?
756
00:33:50,729 --> 00:33:52,629
No, it's not.
757
00:33:54,232 --> 00:33:55,098
It's for Walter.
758
00:33:55,333 --> 00:33:57,134
Okay.
759
00:33:57,136 --> 00:33:59,136
So when were you going
to tell me about Gary?
760
00:33:59,138 --> 00:34:01,104
Ron. You walked
out on me.
761
00:34:01,106 --> 00:34:04,241
What did you
expect me to do?
762
00:34:04,243 --> 00:34:07,611
Ron. This is awkward,
I know.
763
00:34:07,613 --> 00:34:11,281
I'm sitting here
with your wife.
We make love.
764
00:34:11,283 --> 00:34:14,051
I'm this close to shooting
a flare gun at your dick.
765
00:34:14,053 --> 00:34:15,685
Oh, Ron!
766
00:34:15,687 --> 00:34:17,788
So what does this Gary
do for a living, huh?
767
00:34:17,790 --> 00:34:19,356
Have you done
a background
check on him?
768
00:34:19,358 --> 00:34:22,659
Gary is actually one
of the most successful
769
00:34:22,661 --> 00:34:24,161
psychologists in
all of Manhattan, Ron.
770
00:34:24,163 --> 00:34:25,796
Really sweet.
771
00:34:25,798 --> 00:34:27,531
Are you reading
my mind right now?
772
00:34:27,533 --> 00:34:30,100
Ron, do you even know
what a psychologist is?
773
00:34:31,402 --> 00:34:32,569
(QUIETLY) Fuck you.
774
00:34:33,604 --> 00:34:35,272
(GASPS) Ron!
775
00:34:35,274 --> 00:34:36,606
GARY: It's okay.
VERONICA: You stop that!
776
00:34:36,608 --> 00:34:38,108
He's externalizing.
That's okay.
777
00:34:38,110 --> 00:34:40,343
No, it's not okay.
He's mad.
778
00:34:40,345 --> 00:34:42,279
You knew I was going
to throw that punch
779
00:34:42,281 --> 00:34:44,147
'cause you're
reading my mind!
780
00:34:44,149 --> 00:34:47,284
(DOOR OPENS)
Mom! I'm home!
781
00:34:47,286 --> 00:34:48,485
Hey, little guy.
Hey, darling.
782
00:34:48,487 --> 00:34:49,820
Hi, Walter.
Hey, Dad.
783
00:34:51,089 --> 00:34:52,722
I missed you!
784
00:34:52,724 --> 00:34:55,559
Walter, your father
has a gift for you.
785
00:34:55,561 --> 00:34:58,428
I have a gift
specifically
for you, Walter.
786
00:34:59,564 --> 00:35:00,630
There you go.
787
00:35:00,632 --> 00:35:01,765
Yes, Gary.
788
00:35:07,438 --> 00:35:09,372
Okay, that's actually
for me, Walter.
789
00:35:09,374 --> 00:35:11,508
No, it's not.
It's for Walter.
790
00:35:11,510 --> 00:35:12,609
It's a superhero costume.
791
00:35:13,111 --> 00:35:15,212
What is it?
792
00:35:15,214 --> 00:35:17,581
It's "Lace Man."
It's a brand
new superhero.
793
00:35:17,583 --> 00:35:20,217
I'm going to
be Lace Man!
794
00:35:20,219 --> 00:35:21,718
Look, Ron.
Joint custody
isn't easy.
795
00:35:21,720 --> 00:35:23,320
But what we
need to do is
796
00:35:23,322 --> 00:35:26,123
rally around
this little guy
right now, okay?
797
00:35:26,125 --> 00:35:27,524
That's never gonna happen.
798
00:35:27,526 --> 00:35:29,459
Oh...
Excuse me?
799
00:35:29,461 --> 00:35:31,461
RON: Because you,
Veronica, are unfit
to be a mother!
800
00:35:31,463 --> 00:35:32,796
VERONICA: Need I remind you
801
00:35:32,798 --> 00:35:35,532
that you took
that child to
a cock fight?
802
00:35:35,534 --> 00:35:38,702
I'm Lace Man!
The game of champions!
He had the time of his life!
803
00:35:38,704 --> 00:35:40,604
He came home
splattered in blood!
804
00:35:40,606 --> 00:35:42,339
He picked eight
winning cocks.
805
00:35:42,341 --> 00:35:43,607
It's never been done!
806
00:35:43,609 --> 00:35:45,275
You have never tried
to connect with Walter.
807
00:35:45,277 --> 00:35:47,177
(IMITATES GUN FIRING)
808
00:35:47,179 --> 00:35:49,212
All right, let's keep it
civil in front of the boy.
809
00:35:49,214 --> 00:35:50,914
It's bad enough
his mother
810
00:35:50,916 --> 00:35:53,483
likes to go down
on rodeo clowns.
811
00:35:53,485 --> 00:35:54,784
Okay, you know what, out!
All right.
Get your things! Let's go.
812
00:35:54,786 --> 00:35:56,253
Fine. I'm out of here.
813
00:35:56,255 --> 00:35:57,921
Don't have to
tell me twice.
Get your things.
814
00:35:57,923 --> 00:36:00,624
We'll see you guys later.
Yes, you will.
815
00:36:00,626 --> 00:36:03,360
Goodbye, Dad!
Thanks for
the present.
816
00:36:03,362 --> 00:36:06,563
Goodbye, Walter,
my little man.
817
00:36:06,565 --> 00:36:08,298
You promise to do
good in school, okay?
818
00:36:09,433 --> 00:36:10,901
Okay.
And stay away
from the he-shes
819
00:36:10,903 --> 00:36:12,335
Ron!
down in the Bowery.
820
00:36:12,337 --> 00:36:14,304
Ron, I don't think
that's appropriate.
821
00:36:14,306 --> 00:36:16,273
I'll tell you,
those fellas,
822
00:36:16,275 --> 00:36:17,874
they got the looks,
they got the curves,
823
00:36:17,876 --> 00:36:19,476
they got the chi-chi's,
824
00:36:20,745 --> 00:36:22,646
and then at some point
during the evening,
825
00:36:22,648 --> 00:36:23,813
you reach down
below the belt
826
00:36:23,815 --> 00:36:25,815
looking to get
a little muffellita,
827
00:36:25,817 --> 00:36:29,286
and you get a handful
of the Battle of the Bulge.
828
00:36:29,288 --> 00:36:30,453
You hear what
I'm saying, Walter?
829
00:36:30,455 --> 00:36:32,255
Yes, I do.
830
00:36:32,257 --> 00:36:33,623
Ron, it was nice
meeting you.
831
00:36:33,625 --> 00:36:35,425
I think it's time
for you to go.
832
00:36:36,260 --> 00:36:37,394
Oh, Ron!
833
00:36:38,396 --> 00:36:40,463
You knew!
834
00:36:40,465 --> 00:36:41,865
You anticipated
that because you're
reading my mind!
835
00:36:41,867 --> 00:36:42,799
That confirms it!
836
00:36:50,841 --> 00:36:53,310
(SIGHS)
There's Lime!
837
00:36:53,312 --> 00:36:56,880
Look at him.
He's a goddamn prince!
838
00:36:56,882 --> 00:36:59,649
Man, there's just
something about him,
you know?
839
00:36:59,651 --> 00:37:02,252
I'd give anything
to be friends with him.
840
00:37:02,254 --> 00:37:03,987
I don't see what
the big deal is,
you know.
841
00:37:03,989 --> 00:37:05,288
He's not that great.
842
00:37:07,458 --> 00:37:08,458
What did you say?
843
00:37:09,427 --> 00:37:10,794
What's that?
844
00:37:10,796 --> 00:37:11,962
I heard you
say something.
845
00:37:12,363 --> 00:37:13,830
Oh.
846
00:37:13,832 --> 00:37:16,533
Oh, what did I say?
Oh, nothing.
847
00:37:16,535 --> 00:37:18,235
Oh, no. I heard
you say something.
848
00:37:18,237 --> 00:37:19,336
He said you're
not that great!
849
00:37:19,338 --> 00:37:20,670
Brick!
850
00:37:20,672 --> 00:37:22,739
Is that what you
said about me?
851
00:37:22,741 --> 00:37:24,541
He's coming
over here.
I know!
852
00:37:24,543 --> 00:37:25,842
I'm gonna rip
this guy in half.
853
00:37:27,278 --> 00:37:29,679
No, no, no!
Just give me a
little piece of him.
854
00:37:29,681 --> 00:37:31,848
Uh, Jack, look,
it's just...
855
00:37:31,850 --> 00:37:34,351
The guys look up to
you so much, and
856
00:37:34,353 --> 00:37:36,453
I just was a
little jealous.
I just said some junk.
857
00:37:37,555 --> 00:37:38,855
That's funny.
858
00:37:38,857 --> 00:37:40,590
Aren't you the guy who
859
00:37:41,592 --> 00:37:43,860
lost his job
to his wife?
860
00:37:44,462 --> 00:37:45,695
ALL: Ooh!
861
00:37:46,897 --> 00:37:48,265
Shouldn't you be
doing her makeup?
862
00:37:50,434 --> 00:37:51,668
(SCREAMING)
863
00:37:53,771 --> 00:37:55,305
All right, guys,
that's enough.
864
00:37:55,307 --> 00:37:56,873
No, shut up,
Freddie!
865
00:37:56,875 --> 00:37:59,542
And you can shut
your mouth, okay,
Jack "Lame!"
866
00:37:59,544 --> 00:38:01,845
Ooh.
ALL: Ooh!
867
00:38:03,848 --> 00:38:07,484
Yeah. Mr. Butt-Vagina's
got some fight in him.
868
00:38:07,486 --> 00:38:09,719
You listen to this one,
869
00:38:09,721 --> 00:38:11,288
big fella.
Yeah.
870
00:38:12,890 --> 00:38:15,925
I bet you that we beat
your ratings tonight.
871
00:38:16,494 --> 00:38:18,695
(ALL LAUGHING)
872
00:38:18,697 --> 00:38:20,897
I'm sorry.
I'm trying to
keep it together.
873
00:38:20,899 --> 00:38:22,666
No, no, no.
Don't do this.
Don't do this.
874
00:38:22,668 --> 00:38:24,000
You're on at 2:00 a.m.
875
00:38:24,002 --> 00:38:25,735
Jack has prime time!
876
00:38:25,737 --> 00:38:28,038
Maybe... No.
Hey, Freddie,
no, no. Hey.
877
00:38:29,507 --> 00:38:32,542
I'll take that bet.
What are the stakes?
878
00:38:32,544 --> 00:38:34,844
If we lose,
I'll leave New York.
879
00:38:36,380 --> 00:38:38,648
And I'll never
read the news again.
880
00:38:38,650 --> 00:38:41,651
And if by some snowball's
chance in hell
881
00:38:41,653 --> 00:38:43,586
Mr. Mustache here
882
00:38:43,588 --> 00:38:44,721
pulls a miracle
out of his ass?
883
00:38:44,723 --> 00:38:46,556
(SCOFFS)
884
00:38:46,558 --> 00:38:51,361
You change your name
to Jack Lame! Legally.
885
00:38:51,363 --> 00:38:54,731
(CHUCKLES) I like this!
You're on, Stretch.
886
00:38:54,733 --> 00:38:56,599
Everyone heard him?
887
00:38:56,601 --> 00:38:57,701
Freddie, you heard him?
Yeah. I heard him.
888
00:38:58,669 --> 00:39:00,837
This is on like Pong.
RON: Okay. Good.
889
00:39:01,872 --> 00:39:03,807
(CROWD WHOOPING)
890
00:39:06,610 --> 00:39:08,712
Why? Why did you
make that bet, Ron?
891
00:39:08,714 --> 00:39:10,013
We've got the
graveyard shift!
892
00:39:10,015 --> 00:39:10,880
We don't have a chance!
893
00:39:11,549 --> 00:39:13,416
Hey, guy!
Ah!
894
00:39:13,418 --> 00:39:15,618
This ain't local
news anymore.
895
00:39:15,620 --> 00:39:16,720
We shit standing up here.
896
00:39:17,021 --> 00:39:17,954
What?
897
00:39:20,391 --> 00:39:22,959
It's a huge mess,
but damn, is it cool!
898
00:39:23,994 --> 00:39:25,061
LINDA: All right, everyone!
899
00:39:25,763 --> 00:39:27,430
Ladies and gentlemen,
900
00:39:28,366 --> 00:39:30,667
today wouldn't be possible
901
00:39:30,669 --> 00:39:33,570
without the visionary
behind GNN.
902
00:39:34,405 --> 00:39:36,606
Mr. Kench Allenby!
903
00:39:36,608 --> 00:39:38,108
Yeah, yeah!
904
00:39:39,643 --> 00:39:40,977
Thank you.
905
00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:44,013
All right, cheer.
(SPEAKS INCOHERENTLY)
906
00:39:45,716 --> 00:39:49,519
I am jabbered,
just jabbered,
full of beans, no doubt.
907
00:39:49,521 --> 00:39:51,488
Does anyone else
speak Australian?
908
00:39:51,490 --> 00:39:53,490
I thought they
talked like us.
909
00:39:53,492 --> 00:39:56,426
Can I get you to say
with me, haw-ba-ya-ya!
910
00:39:56,428 --> 00:39:58,695
(SCREAMING INDISTINCTLY)
911
00:39:58,697 --> 00:40:00,864
We can't quite
understand you.
912
00:40:00,866 --> 00:40:04,067
How's this?
I'm Kench Allenby.
913
00:40:04,069 --> 00:40:05,935
Oh, yes. That's good.
There we go!
Thank you so much.
914
00:40:05,937 --> 00:40:09,005
I'm Kench Allenby
and you all know my story.
915
00:40:09,007 --> 00:40:10,774
I'm a self-made man.
916
00:40:10,776 --> 00:40:13,610
My late, great father,
Vadge Allenby,
917
00:40:13,612 --> 00:40:15,145
gave me 300
million dollars,
918
00:40:15,147 --> 00:40:17,847
and I toiled
my whole bloody life
919
00:40:17,849 --> 00:40:20,450
to turn that into
305 million dollars.
920
00:40:20,452 --> 00:40:21,818
True story. True story.
921
00:40:22,186 --> 00:40:24,487
Wow.
922
00:40:24,489 --> 00:40:26,623
But this is 24-hour
news station...
923
00:40:26,625 --> 00:40:28,625
This is history.
924
00:40:28,627 --> 00:40:30,460
This is like Columbus
discovering the New World.
925
00:40:30,462 --> 00:40:32,095
And the captain
926
00:40:32,097 --> 00:40:35,598
of this fantastic
voyage is the best
newsman in America,
927
00:40:35,600 --> 00:40:36,766
Mr. Jack Lime!
928
00:40:38,436 --> 00:40:41,538
Go get 'em, Jack!
Go get 'em!
929
00:40:41,540 --> 00:40:43,506
Thank you. And good luck
to Ron Burgundy, too.
930
00:40:44,141 --> 00:40:45,809
Ooh. (CHUCKLES)
931
00:40:45,811 --> 00:40:46,943
Getting nervous there,
compadre?
932
00:40:48,512 --> 00:40:50,180
Let's do this.
933
00:40:50,182 --> 00:40:52,515
Did you see that? How he spun
on that desk? So great.
934
00:40:52,517 --> 00:40:53,650
All right. Quiet on
the floor, please.
935
00:40:55,019 --> 00:40:56,753
All right.
936
00:40:56,755 --> 00:40:58,221
All right. We're up.
Here we go, here we go.
937
00:40:58,223 --> 00:40:59,789
In five, four,
938
00:41:00,758 --> 00:41:01,791
three, two...
939
00:41:03,894 --> 00:41:06,896
JACK: Good day,
and welcome to GNN.
940
00:41:06,898 --> 00:41:08,798
Thank you for joining us
on what we believe to be
941
00:41:08,800 --> 00:41:11,201
a whole new era of news.
942
00:41:11,203 --> 00:41:13,536
I'm Jack Lime, your guide
for this journey of events
943
00:41:13,538 --> 00:41:15,071
we humbly call
944
00:41:15,073 --> 00:41:16,840
24-hour news.
945
00:41:16,842 --> 00:41:18,975
Today's top story,
Mount St. Helens.
946
00:41:18,977 --> 00:41:21,744
Oh, this is just a gimmick.
It's a flash in the pan.
947
00:41:21,746 --> 00:41:23,580
We better hope so.
948
00:41:23,582 --> 00:41:24,948
Residents are being asked
to evacuate the area...
949
00:41:24,950 --> 00:41:26,883
Twenty-four hours
of news.
950
00:41:26,885 --> 00:41:29,652
How are they gonna
keep coming up
with this stuff?
951
00:41:29,654 --> 00:41:30,820
My guess is they'll
probably be scraping
952
00:41:30,822 --> 00:41:33,156
the bottom of the barrel.
953
00:41:33,158 --> 00:41:35,825
No, I have a feeling
they'll stick with
their integrity
954
00:41:35,827 --> 00:41:37,961
and only report
the news that needs
to be reported.
955
00:41:38,762 --> 00:41:40,063
Let's see here.
956
00:41:40,065 --> 00:41:41,698
"Global temperatures
rise half a degree,
957
00:41:41,700 --> 00:41:44,901
"alarm climate
scientists." Boring.
958
00:41:44,903 --> 00:41:46,970
"China could dominate
the world economy
in the next decade."
959
00:41:48,205 --> 00:41:49,906
♪ Dun-dun-dun-dun-
dun-dun, dun-dun ♪
960
00:41:49,908 --> 00:41:51,174
Nope.
961
00:41:51,176 --> 00:41:52,942
Anyone else?
962
00:41:52,944 --> 00:41:54,110
What if we show a porno
instead of the news?
963
00:41:54,112 --> 00:41:55,578
Freddie?
964
00:41:55,580 --> 00:41:58,281
No. Absolutely not.
965
00:41:58,283 --> 00:42:00,817
I know. What if
we get one of those
wildlife handlers?
966
00:42:00,819 --> 00:42:04,187
We have him bring in,
oh, big game cats.
967
00:42:04,189 --> 00:42:08,691
You know, wild,
dangerous tigers and lions
and leopards and the such.
968
00:42:08,693 --> 00:42:12,262
We let them loose
inside the studio
with about a dozen chickens.
969
00:42:12,264 --> 00:42:15,932
We play rock music.
And we just call it
Let Her Rip.
970
00:42:15,934 --> 00:42:17,767
I'd watch that.
I'd watch that.
971
00:42:17,769 --> 00:42:19,802
Let Her Rip?
972
00:42:19,804 --> 00:42:23,072
You're describing
the end of civilization.
That's not news!
973
00:42:23,074 --> 00:42:24,908
If that's the end
of times, I'm...
974
00:42:24,910 --> 00:42:28,044
I got a front-row seat
with a big tub
of buttered popcorn
975
00:42:28,046 --> 00:42:31,548
and a greasy
half-live chicken leg.
976
00:42:31,550 --> 00:42:33,616
Okay, so obviously this is
a waste of time. I'm done.
977
00:42:33,618 --> 00:42:34,884
Freddie! Come on!
978
00:42:34,886 --> 00:42:37,020
We're just
brainstorming here.
979
00:42:37,022 --> 00:42:39,289
We're trying to
figure out how to make
the news less boring,
980
00:42:39,291 --> 00:42:41,758
and you act like we peed
in your milkshake.
981
00:42:41,760 --> 00:42:43,826
The news is supposed
to be boring, Ron!
982
00:42:43,828 --> 00:42:45,962
This is serious stuff.
983
00:42:45,964 --> 00:42:48,665
You're the one that
made this stupid bet!
984
00:42:48,667 --> 00:42:51,668
I just don't know
why we have to
tell the people
985
00:42:51,670 --> 00:42:54,237
what they need to hear.
986
00:42:54,239 --> 00:42:56,005
Why can't we just
tell them what they
want to hear?
987
00:42:57,007 --> 00:42:58,641
Wait, wait, wait.
988
00:43:00,210 --> 00:43:02,111
Say that again.
989
00:43:02,113 --> 00:43:05,048
I said, why do we have
to tell the people
990
00:43:05,050 --> 00:43:08,051
what they need to hear?
991
00:43:08,053 --> 00:43:10,053
Why can't we just
tell them what they
want to hear?
992
00:43:10,055 --> 00:43:12,355
And what do they
want to hear, Ron?
993
00:43:12,357 --> 00:43:14,891
That we live in the greatest
country God ever created.
994
00:43:15,859 --> 00:43:18,661
Damn straight!
Made him happy.
995
00:43:18,663 --> 00:43:20,997
And we should
do stories on patriots.
996
00:43:20,999 --> 00:43:24,000
Cute, funny little
animals, huh? Or diets.
997
00:43:24,002 --> 00:43:27,270
Why blondes have more fun.
998
00:43:27,272 --> 00:43:29,305
And serious
investigative pieces,
999
00:43:29,307 --> 00:43:32,008
about how much ejaculate
is on hotel duvets.
1000
00:43:32,010 --> 00:43:34,277
And only the best
sports highlights.
1001
00:43:34,279 --> 00:43:37,647
Home runs, slam dunks,
touchdowns and no soccer.
1002
00:43:37,649 --> 00:43:39,148
I like the wind!
1003
00:43:39,150 --> 00:43:41,250
Brick's right.
People love hurricanes.
1004
00:43:41,252 --> 00:43:43,353
Tornadoes,
earthquakes, floods,
1005
00:43:43,355 --> 00:43:44,687
we'll throw Brick
right in the middle of it.
1006
00:43:44,689 --> 00:43:45,355
You'd do that?
1007
00:43:46,790 --> 00:43:48,358
People'll go nuts.
I'd watch that!
1008
00:43:48,360 --> 00:43:51,628
No, this goes
against every rule
1009
00:43:51,630 --> 00:43:54,397
of broadcast
journalism I know.
1010
00:43:54,399 --> 00:43:57,834
Freddie, as the
wise man once said,
1011
00:43:57,836 --> 00:43:58,935
"So?"
1012
00:43:59,903 --> 00:44:01,738
We got 10 hours
till we go on.
1013
00:44:01,740 --> 00:44:02,805
We'll only need eight!
1014
00:44:10,948 --> 00:44:12,682
♪ Lady
1015
00:44:14,351 --> 00:44:17,120
♪ I'm your knight
in shining armor
1016
00:44:17,855 --> 00:44:19,689
♪ And I love you
1017
00:44:21,258 --> 00:44:24,994
♪ You have made me what I am
1018
00:44:26,096 --> 00:44:29,098
♪ And I am yours
1019
00:44:29,100 --> 00:44:30,867
(IMITATES SLURPING COFFEE)
1020
00:44:34,004 --> 00:44:35,872
♪ My love... ♪
1021
00:44:39,143 --> 00:44:41,144
Is that candy?
I don't know.
1022
00:44:45,816 --> 00:44:47,016
(COUGHS)
1023
00:44:47,418 --> 00:44:48,418
It is candy.
1024
00:44:50,120 --> 00:44:52,088
I like you.
I like you.
1025
00:44:53,290 --> 00:44:55,958
Tell me something
about you.
1026
00:44:55,960 --> 00:44:59,095
Well, I'm 19 years old.
My middle name is Courtney.
1027
00:44:59,097 --> 00:45:00,730
I can always guess
how many jelly beans
1028
00:45:00,732 --> 00:45:02,465
are in a jelly bean jar,
1029
00:45:02,467 --> 00:45:04,133
even if it's not right.
1030
00:45:04,135 --> 00:45:06,035
What about you?
1031
00:45:06,037 --> 00:45:08,337
My name is
Chani Lastname.
1032
00:45:08,339 --> 00:45:11,441
I'm a real go-getter
and a person people.
1033
00:45:11,443 --> 00:45:15,244
I can type 50 words
a minute with
only 300 errors.
1034
00:45:16,246 --> 00:45:18,781
I'm trained
and certified...
1035
00:45:18,783 --> 00:45:20,149
BOTH: To fire a
military-grade
missile launcher.
1036
00:45:20,151 --> 00:45:21,050
Me, too.
1037
00:45:23,053 --> 00:45:25,722
Chani, I just got
these phone messages
from last week.
1038
00:45:25,724 --> 00:45:27,356
You mailed them to me?
1039
00:45:27,358 --> 00:45:29,492
How else was I gonna
get them to you?
1040
00:45:29,494 --> 00:45:31,094
You hand them to me.
1041
00:45:31,096 --> 00:45:32,995
Oh.
1042
00:45:32,997 --> 00:45:35,231
You are the dumbest
person I've met
in my entire life,
1043
00:45:35,233 --> 00:45:37,366
and that's not
an exaggeration.
1044
00:45:37,368 --> 00:45:38,901
That makes me feel bad.
1045
00:45:38,903 --> 00:45:40,903
Well, it's the
truth, Chani.
1046
00:45:40,905 --> 00:45:43,072
(GROWLING)
You!
1047
00:45:43,074 --> 00:45:45,408
Leave her alone!
BOSS: Excuse me, sir.
1048
00:45:46,910 --> 00:45:50,446
Get your filthy hands
off of her!
1049
00:45:50,448 --> 00:45:51,781
(SCREAMS)
Help, help!
1050
00:45:51,783 --> 00:45:53,116
Excuse me, sir!
1051
00:45:53,118 --> 00:45:55,251
Leave me alone, lady!
Excuse me!
1052
00:45:55,253 --> 00:45:58,121
She is a goddess
among women!
1053
00:45:58,123 --> 00:45:59,322
(SHOUTING INCOHERENTLY)
1054
00:46:00,791 --> 00:46:01,891
Glen!
(ROARS)
1055
00:46:02,459 --> 00:46:04,260
My phone messages!
1056
00:46:04,262 --> 00:46:06,362
Leave him alone!
1057
00:46:06,364 --> 00:46:07,363
Not today!
1058
00:46:08,432 --> 00:46:10,900
She has butterflies
in her heart!
1059
00:46:10,902 --> 00:46:14,036
Chani! I can see you
behind that desk,
and you're fired!
1060
00:46:14,038 --> 00:46:15,304
Why?
1061
00:46:15,306 --> 00:46:16,839
(HISSES)
1062
00:46:24,214 --> 00:46:25,515
Are you okay?
1063
00:46:26,350 --> 00:46:28,985
You saved my life.
1064
00:46:28,987 --> 00:46:31,187
She was trying
to set me on fire.
1065
00:46:31,189 --> 00:46:33,489
I didn't ask
for these powers.
1066
00:46:33,491 --> 00:46:34,891
I was given them.
1067
00:46:35,225 --> 00:46:36,392
Last night
1068
00:46:37,294 --> 00:46:39,829
a bird chased me,
1069
00:46:39,831 --> 00:46:41,397
and I wished
it was you.
1070
00:46:42,566 --> 00:46:44,300
Can we go to a date?
1071
00:46:44,302 --> 00:46:45,902
(CLEARS THROAT) Yes.
1072
00:46:47,905 --> 00:46:49,305
(BOTH WHIMPER)
1073
00:47:00,517 --> 00:47:04,187
Dear God, please help
me pull this off.
1074
00:47:04,189 --> 00:47:06,522
I swear, if you
help me, I will...
1075
00:47:06,524 --> 00:47:08,457
I will become a monk.
1076
00:47:08,459 --> 00:47:12,028
I will shave my head
and become a monk...
1077
00:47:12,030 --> 00:47:14,363
Ah, who are we kidding?
I'm not going to do that.
1078
00:47:14,365 --> 00:47:16,199
Oh, did you hear?
1079
00:47:16,201 --> 00:47:18,100
Evan said there's
some strange copy
in the prompter.
1080
00:47:18,102 --> 00:47:19,602
(SIGHS)
It's 2:00 a.m.
1081
00:47:19,604 --> 00:47:22,004
It's Freddie Shapp's ass,
not mine. Let's go.
1082
00:47:22,006 --> 00:47:25,141
are rarely aware of it
while doing so.
1083
00:47:26,310 --> 00:47:28,444
Ron and his news team
simply thought
1084
00:47:28,446 --> 00:47:31,614
they were making
the news more fun.
1085
00:47:31,616 --> 00:47:33,549
Little did they know
they were changing
1086
00:47:33,551 --> 00:47:36,986
the course of broadcast
history forever.
1087
00:47:36,988 --> 00:47:40,223
Hello, America.
It's 2:00 a.m.
Eastern time.
1088
00:47:40,225 --> 00:47:43,459
I'm Ron Burgundy,
and tonight's top story is
1089
00:47:43,894 --> 00:47:45,962
America.
1090
00:47:45,964 --> 00:47:47,630
She's the greatest
country in the world.
1091
00:47:47,632 --> 00:47:49,398
Heck, the history
of the world!
1092
00:47:49,400 --> 00:47:50,299
You're damn right!
1093
00:47:51,001 --> 00:47:53,536
(ALL WHOOPING)
1094
00:47:53,538 --> 00:47:55,571
Too much of the news
is about what's wrong
with America.
1095
00:47:55,573 --> 00:47:57,240
Amen, brother!
1096
00:47:57,242 --> 00:48:00,443
Well, tonight, our top story
is what's right with America.
1097
00:48:00,445 --> 00:48:02,612
Someone's finally
talking sense on the TV.
1098
00:48:02,614 --> 00:48:05,147
For starters,
we kick butt.
1099
00:48:05,149 --> 00:48:07,516
Nazi butt.
Russian butt.
1100
00:48:07,518 --> 00:48:09,151
What the hell
is he doing?
1101
00:48:09,153 --> 00:48:10,887
He's talking
about America.
1102
00:48:10,889 --> 00:48:12,388
Why, do you have
a problem with that?
1103
00:48:12,390 --> 00:48:15,157
Tonight I begin part one
of my 11-part series
1104
00:48:15,159 --> 00:48:18,194
on the power and mystery
of the human vagina.
1105
00:48:18,196 --> 00:48:19,629
This series will be
a tasteful look
1106
00:48:19,631 --> 00:48:22,632
at just what makes
a vagina tick,
1107
00:48:22,634 --> 00:48:24,934
as well as a look
at the 50 greatest vaginas
1108
00:48:24,936 --> 00:48:26,402
of the 20th century.
1109
00:48:26,404 --> 00:48:29,305
Son of a bitch!
(GLASS SHATTERS)
1110
00:48:29,307 --> 00:48:31,173
RON: One final question,
and I'll let you go.
1111
00:48:31,175 --> 00:48:34,143
Who tops the list of the
top 50 greatest vaginas?
1112
00:48:34,145 --> 00:48:36,312
Well, I don't want
to give anything away.
1113
00:48:36,314 --> 00:48:38,514
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I thought I had you.
1114
00:48:38,516 --> 00:48:40,249
I will give you
number two.
1115
00:48:40,251 --> 00:48:41,450
Please.
Madame Curie.
1116
00:48:41,452 --> 00:48:43,019
Of course. Of course.
1117
00:48:43,420 --> 00:48:44,954
Whammy! Whammy!
1118
00:48:44,956 --> 00:48:46,689
Whammy! Whammy! Whammy!
1119
00:48:46,691 --> 00:48:48,424
(REPEATING) Whammy!
1120
00:48:54,231 --> 00:48:55,431
Whammy!
1121
00:48:55,433 --> 00:48:56,966
Back to you, Ron.
1122
00:48:56,968 --> 00:48:59,936
The wind is really windy.
1123
00:48:59,938 --> 00:49:02,238
Brick? Brick,
can you hear me?
1124
00:49:02,240 --> 00:49:04,307
I can't hear you, Ron!
1125
00:49:04,309 --> 00:49:06,475
Okay, but you're
answering the question,
1126
00:49:06,477 --> 00:49:07,710
so I think you
can hear me.
1127
00:49:07,712 --> 00:49:09,278
No, I can!
1128
00:49:09,280 --> 00:49:11,147
Brick, do you think
there is any danger
1129
00:49:11,149 --> 00:49:12,581
to the average
person out there?
1130
00:49:12,583 --> 00:49:15,584
I'm afraid for the animals
of New York, Ron.
1131
00:49:15,586 --> 00:49:20,222
I saw a woman,
and her dog never
touched the ground.
1132
00:49:20,224 --> 00:49:24,026
You're saying wind
gusts as fast as
a supersonic jet?
1133
00:49:24,028 --> 00:49:25,695
It looked like
she was walking
a dog balloon.
1134
00:49:26,330 --> 00:49:28,497
And go... Switch.
1135
00:49:28,499 --> 00:49:31,701
And for our eighth
and final animal
story of the night,
1136
00:49:31,703 --> 00:49:34,437
it looks like residents
of North Yulk, Montana,
1137
00:49:34,439 --> 00:49:35,671
have found the
cutest little patriot
1138
00:49:35,673 --> 00:49:37,440
on God's green earth.
1139
00:49:38,075 --> 00:49:39,475
(RON LAUGHING)
1140
00:49:41,278 --> 00:49:42,511
Look at that little guy!
1141
00:49:44,114 --> 00:49:46,415
Oh, wow, he was
having some fun.
1142
00:49:47,551 --> 00:49:50,252
Well, for all of
us here at GNN,
1143
00:49:50,254 --> 00:49:52,288
I'm Ron Burgundy.
1144
00:49:52,290 --> 00:49:54,357
And don't just
have a great night,
1145
00:49:54,359 --> 00:49:56,225
have an American night.
1146
00:49:59,529 --> 00:50:01,063
FREDDIE: And we're out!
1147
00:50:01,065 --> 00:50:02,598
Wow! (LAUGHS)
1148
00:50:03,533 --> 00:50:05,301
I couldn't take my eyes
1149
00:50:05,303 --> 00:50:07,269
off the screen!
Yes.
1150
00:50:07,271 --> 00:50:09,572
You were electric,
Ron! Whammy!
1151
00:50:09,574 --> 00:50:11,240
That just felt right!
That felt right!
1152
00:50:11,242 --> 00:50:12,708
I was outside!
1153
00:50:12,710 --> 00:50:15,144
You sure were, Brick.
Wonderful job.
1154
00:50:15,146 --> 00:50:16,779
BRIAN: Amazing. Great job.
1155
00:50:16,781 --> 00:50:21,117
What the hell was that?
What the hell was that?
1156
00:50:21,119 --> 00:50:22,451
Hey, hey, hey.
Take it easy, Linda.
1157
00:50:22,453 --> 00:50:24,086
We were just
trying something new.
1158
00:50:24,088 --> 00:50:25,654
You changed the
format of the
entire show
1159
00:50:25,656 --> 00:50:27,289
without consulting me?
That's unacceptable!
1160
00:50:27,291 --> 00:50:28,624
Damn straight, sister.
1161
00:50:28,626 --> 00:50:30,760
We just done went
and brought it!
1162
00:50:30,762 --> 00:50:33,362
And here's the truth.
You can't handle it,
little mama!
1163
00:50:33,364 --> 00:50:36,432
Get out! You are all
terminated immediately.
1164
00:50:36,434 --> 00:50:38,267
If you were a man,
I'd knock you out.
1165
00:50:38,269 --> 00:50:41,203
Oh. Oh, really?
Well, go ahead!
1166
00:50:41,205 --> 00:50:42,738
Take a swing!
Take your best shot!
1167
00:50:43,673 --> 00:50:45,508
I have five brothers,
1168
00:50:45,510 --> 00:50:47,343
and two of them are
defensive backs in
the NFL, so come on!
1169
00:50:47,345 --> 00:50:49,178
You want me
to do it?
Yeah.
1170
00:50:49,180 --> 00:50:50,579
This thing's not
gonna feel good.
1171
00:50:50,581 --> 00:50:51,647
Do it, Ron.
Just do it.
1172
00:50:51,649 --> 00:50:54,083
Are you scared?
What's the problem?
1173
00:50:54,085 --> 00:50:56,152
Is he a chicken?
Are you a chicken?
1174
00:50:56,154 --> 00:50:57,720
(LINDA CLUCKING)
(LAUGHING)
1175
00:50:59,256 --> 00:51:00,723
I'm not a chicken at all.
1176
00:51:00,725 --> 00:51:02,691
I'm going to make
that mustache of
yours all bloody.
1177
00:51:02,693 --> 00:51:03,826
(CHUCKLES)
1178
00:51:04,528 --> 00:51:06,495
Well...
1179
00:51:06,497 --> 00:51:08,130
Seems like you're
buying time, Ron.
1180
00:51:08,132 --> 00:51:09,698
I'm not buying time.
1181
00:51:09,700 --> 00:51:12,068
Ron! Just do what men
have been doing
1182
00:51:12,070 --> 00:51:15,104
for thousands of years,
and punch the woman.
1183
00:51:15,106 --> 00:51:16,238
Punch her!
You're stalling.
1184
00:51:16,240 --> 00:51:17,673
Punch the woman!
1185
00:51:17,675 --> 00:51:20,176
Here comes the
Toledo Express.
All aboard!
1186
00:51:20,710 --> 00:51:22,278
(GRUNTING)
1187
00:51:23,814 --> 00:51:25,281
Ron! No!
1188
00:51:25,816 --> 00:51:27,550
(GRUNTING)
1189
00:51:27,552 --> 00:51:29,251
I didn't do it!
1190
00:51:29,253 --> 00:51:30,453
(SQUEALING)
1191
00:51:31,455 --> 00:51:33,756
Mama, your baby's hurt.
1192
00:51:34,424 --> 00:51:36,292
Your baby.
1193
00:51:36,294 --> 00:51:38,094
(HIGH-PITCHED WHIMPERING)
1194
00:51:38,096 --> 00:51:40,362
What is that sound
you're making? Good Lord!
1195
00:51:40,364 --> 00:51:42,231
(CONTINUES WHIMPERING)
1196
00:51:42,233 --> 00:51:44,433
BRIAN: You sound
like a balloon.
1197
00:51:44,435 --> 00:51:45,801
Pull yourself together, man.
1198
00:51:45,803 --> 00:51:47,336
Security!
1199
00:51:47,338 --> 00:51:49,405
They saw my pee-pee.
1200
00:51:49,407 --> 00:51:52,575
The eighth grade boys
saw my pee-pee!
1201
00:51:52,577 --> 00:51:54,543
Did you say they
saw your pee-pee?
1202
00:51:54,545 --> 00:51:57,313
RON: In the locker room,
they saw my pee-pee.
1203
00:51:57,315 --> 00:51:59,348
You just knocked him
back into fifth grade.
1204
00:51:59,350 --> 00:52:00,316
Get him out of here!
1205
00:52:02,419 --> 00:52:04,420
KENCH: Bugger me
with a didgeridoo.
1206
00:52:04,422 --> 00:52:06,222
We knew we'd
struggle to start,
1207
00:52:06,224 --> 00:52:08,657
but these ratings
are lower than
I'd even imagined.
1208
00:52:08,659 --> 00:52:10,459
AD SALES GUY: Thank God
for the 2:00 a.m. spike.
1209
00:52:10,461 --> 00:52:12,495
It really saved
our whole launch.
1210
00:52:12,497 --> 00:52:14,363
Spike? What are
you talking about?
1211
00:52:14,798 --> 00:52:16,398
What spike?
1212
00:52:16,400 --> 00:52:18,501
Burgundy.
Who's Ron Burgundy?
1213
00:52:18,503 --> 00:52:20,336
No, no, no,
this can't be right.
1214
00:52:21,738 --> 00:52:23,906
His team start at a .2,
1215
00:52:23,908 --> 00:52:26,775
and then they
finish at a 5.6?
1216
00:52:26,777 --> 00:52:30,212
That's unbelievable!
They tripled Jack
Lime's numbers!
1217
00:52:30,214 --> 00:52:33,482
How is that even possible?
(LAUGHS) Who are these guys?
1218
00:52:33,484 --> 00:52:35,584
They're a local team
out of San Diego.
1219
00:52:36,219 --> 00:52:37,653
You little beauty!
1220
00:52:37,655 --> 00:52:39,221
Well, they no longer
work for us.
1221
00:52:41,525 --> 00:52:43,225
I fired them.
1222
00:52:43,227 --> 00:52:45,694
Well, guys,
it goes without saying
1223
00:52:45,696 --> 00:52:48,631
I owe you gentlemen
an apology.
1224
00:52:48,633 --> 00:52:51,200
I dragged you out here
and this thing
1225
00:52:51,202 --> 00:52:53,669
was a disaster
from the word "go."
1226
00:52:53,671 --> 00:52:56,205
No, Ron, don't you
beat yourself up.
1227
00:52:56,207 --> 00:52:57,473
Yeah, it's all right, Ron.
1228
00:52:57,641 --> 00:52:58,741
Gin.
1229
00:53:00,544 --> 00:53:02,511
Brian, any idea
what you might do next?
1230
00:53:02,513 --> 00:53:04,213
BRIAN: Gonna head back to L.A.
1231
00:53:04,215 --> 00:53:05,848
I got a good group
of buddies out there.
1232
00:53:05,850 --> 00:53:08,450
O.J. Simpson.
Phil Spector.
Robert Blake.
1233
00:53:08,452 --> 00:53:10,286
Sounds like a fun crew.
1234
00:53:10,288 --> 00:53:12,254
We go out cruising chicks.
1235
00:53:12,256 --> 00:53:14,356
Call ourselves
the "Ladykillers."
1236
00:53:14,358 --> 00:53:16,425
I love that name.
You should get it on the
back of matching jackets.
1237
00:53:16,427 --> 00:53:17,793
(LAUGHS)
That's not a bad idea.
1238
00:53:17,795 --> 00:53:19,562
(BARKING)
1239
00:53:21,231 --> 00:53:22,798
Uh, guys?
1240
00:53:24,734 --> 00:53:26,402
Hey.
1241
00:53:26,404 --> 00:53:28,637
I got some news.
1242
00:53:28,639 --> 00:53:30,272
Freddie, we don't
exactly want to hear
1243
00:53:30,274 --> 00:53:32,841
the word "news"
right now.
(SCOFFS) Yeah.
1244
00:53:32,843 --> 00:53:35,811
You're right. Forget it.
Forget I was even here.
1245
00:53:36,713 --> 00:53:39,315
Forget that GNN
wants you back.
1246
00:53:40,483 --> 00:53:45,287
For a prime time slot
and a raise in pay.
1247
00:53:45,289 --> 00:53:48,257
Quit yanking our penises,
Freddie! What's the deal?
1248
00:53:48,259 --> 00:53:50,459
Yeah! Quit yanking
our anuses.
1249
00:53:50,461 --> 00:53:52,461
No. I'm not yanking your...
1250
00:53:54,564 --> 00:53:57,266
Your ratings went
through the roof.
1251
00:53:57,268 --> 00:53:59,602
People love what you did.
1252
00:54:00,470 --> 00:54:02,738
You're a success!
1253
00:54:02,740 --> 00:54:06,942
Get it? You're a great,
big, fat success!
1254
00:54:07,877 --> 00:54:09,912
By the bed pan
of Gene Rayburn!
1255
00:54:10,580 --> 00:54:11,914
It's total crap
1256
00:54:11,916 --> 00:54:14,450
and they can't
stop watching!
(ALL CHEERING)
1257
00:54:14,452 --> 00:54:17,253
NARRATOR: The news team
had been famous in San Diego,
1258
00:54:17,255 --> 00:54:19,755
but that was small time
compared to New York.
1259
00:54:20,757 --> 00:54:23,025
This fame was a rocket ship.
1260
00:54:23,027 --> 00:54:24,893
A rocket ship
that had free drinks
1261
00:54:24,895 --> 00:54:27,663
and topless stewardesses.
1262
00:54:27,665 --> 00:54:29,865
That'll do it for all
of us here at GNN.
1263
00:54:29,867 --> 00:54:33,002
Thank God for the events,
thank me for the news.
1264
00:54:33,004 --> 00:54:34,403
I'm Jack...
1265
00:54:37,607 --> 00:54:38,641
...Lame.
1266
00:54:42,879 --> 00:54:44,980
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey!
1267
00:54:44,982 --> 00:54:46,415
More graphics,
all right?
1268
00:54:46,417 --> 00:54:48,050
But there's already a lot.
1269
00:54:48,052 --> 00:54:50,786
Hey, you heard the man.
More graphics.
1270
00:54:50,788 --> 00:54:53,455
Let a citizen ask
a question here,
for God's sake!
1271
00:54:53,457 --> 00:54:56,492
Can Father Ron please shut
his mouth for half a second?
1272
00:54:56,494 --> 00:54:57,860
(ALL ARGUING)
1273
00:54:59,062 --> 00:55:00,796
This is against
everything
1274
00:55:00,798 --> 00:55:02,865
that I have worked
for my entire life.
1275
00:55:02,867 --> 00:55:04,466
Oh, honey, come on.
1276
00:55:04,468 --> 00:55:06,068
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
1277
00:55:28,992 --> 00:55:30,993
If you're like me,
you need an underwear
1278
00:55:30,995 --> 00:55:33,028
that fits your
active lifestyle.
1279
00:55:33,030 --> 00:55:35,798
ANNOUNCER:
At finer specialty
and department stores.
1280
00:55:35,800 --> 00:55:38,667
I'm weatherman
Brick Tamland,
and I like butter.
1281
00:55:38,669 --> 00:55:42,338
Butter is nutritious
and it tastes great.
1282
00:55:46,843 --> 00:55:49,511
There's something new
on the New York social scene.
1283
00:55:49,513 --> 00:55:51,947
It's fun, relatively benign
and costs about as much
1284
00:55:51,949 --> 00:55:54,083
as a soda pop
at the local drugstore.
1285
00:55:54,085 --> 00:55:55,751
Here's Brian Fantana
1286
00:55:55,753 --> 00:55:57,986
on why everyone
who is someone
1287
00:55:57,988 --> 00:56:00,589
is lighting up
to smoke crack.
1288
00:56:00,591 --> 00:56:02,991
Now, Brian,
I understand we
have some crack
1289
00:56:02,993 --> 00:56:04,793
and we're going to
smoke it right here
in the studio.
1290
00:56:04,795 --> 00:56:07,629
What is that?
Did you know they
were gonna have that?
1291
00:56:07,631 --> 00:56:09,598
No.
1292
00:56:09,600 --> 00:56:12,835
Now, what you're gonna
do is, you're gonna
put your rock in the pipe.
1293
00:56:12,837 --> 00:56:14,636
Is that where the phrase
"Put it in your pipe
and smoke it" comes from?
1294
00:56:14,638 --> 00:56:16,505
I don't care.
1295
00:56:16,507 --> 00:56:18,040
I love it when
you do cooking segments.
Mmm.
1296
00:56:21,111 --> 00:56:22,845
Oh! Oh, whoa!
1297
00:56:22,847 --> 00:56:24,813
You feel that right away.
1298
00:56:24,815 --> 00:56:27,783
Wow, that's good. That's
good. That's an immediate
state of euphoria.
1299
00:56:27,785 --> 00:56:31,553
You'll be surprised.
The effect,
it happens very... Ohh!
1300
00:56:31,555 --> 00:56:33,589
It's just refreshing.
1301
00:56:33,591 --> 00:56:35,758
They're actually
enjoying it.
1302
00:56:35,760 --> 00:56:37,426
Of course they're
enjoying it. It's crack.
1303
00:56:40,430 --> 00:56:41,997
RON: Well,
now we know, guys,
1304
00:56:41,999 --> 00:56:44,400
you can't smoke crack
on live television.
1305
00:56:44,402 --> 00:56:46,168
(ALL CHEERING)
1306
00:56:55,678 --> 00:56:57,413
Hey, gang.
1307
00:56:57,415 --> 00:56:58,947
You know what would
make this great
day even better?
1308
00:56:58,949 --> 00:57:00,182
What?
1309
00:57:00,184 --> 00:57:02,117
Perms for everyone!
1310
00:57:02,119 --> 00:57:03,051
ALL: Yay!
1311
00:57:13,029 --> 00:57:14,430
(CLEARS THROAT)
1312
00:57:15,465 --> 00:57:16,865
Please come in
and shut the door.
1313
00:57:22,138 --> 00:57:24,139
If this is about
sweeps, um,
1314
00:57:24,141 --> 00:57:26,909
I think Brian Fantana
found an outstanding story.
1315
00:57:26,911 --> 00:57:29,511
It's about airplane parts
1316
00:57:29,513 --> 00:57:32,848
that are falling off of
airplanes out of the sky
1317
00:57:32,850 --> 00:57:34,750
and hitting the
ground, people.
1318
00:57:34,752 --> 00:57:36,452
We're calling it
"Death From Above."
We might do some...
1319
00:57:36,454 --> 00:57:37,786
You. Come here.
1320
00:57:43,126 --> 00:57:44,927
I've been watching you.
1321
00:57:44,929 --> 00:57:46,228
You have?
1322
00:57:46,230 --> 00:57:47,963
(CHUCKLES)
1323
00:57:47,965 --> 00:57:49,832
I've been watching
you a lot.
1324
00:57:51,534 --> 00:57:53,502
And you just do
whatever you want.
1325
00:57:53,504 --> 00:57:55,904
(CHUCKLES) Well,
I'm a bit of a
maverick, I guess.
1326
00:57:55,906 --> 00:57:57,806
You don't follow
the format.
1327
00:57:57,808 --> 00:57:59,808
You pretty much
walk around like...
1328
00:58:00,944 --> 00:58:02,778
Like you're king
of the world.
1329
00:58:02,780 --> 00:58:04,947
I'm just a worker bee.
That's all I am.
1330
00:58:05,815 --> 00:58:07,516
You know what?
What?
1331
00:58:07,917 --> 00:58:08,851
Oh!
1332
00:58:12,622 --> 00:58:14,790
I find it hot as shit!
1333
00:58:14,792 --> 00:58:16,758
Are you going
to hurt me?
1334
00:58:16,760 --> 00:58:18,660
Here's the thing,
Mr. Burgundy.
1335
00:58:18,662 --> 00:58:21,663
You're a shooting
star and I want
to go for a ride.
1336
00:58:21,665 --> 00:58:23,699
God, I'm so
afraid right now.
1337
00:58:23,701 --> 00:58:25,133
Now, I want to
hear you meow
like a cat.
1338
00:58:25,135 --> 00:58:26,502
(MEOWS)
1339
00:58:26,504 --> 00:58:28,036
(SNARLING)
1340
00:58:28,038 --> 00:58:29,838
(MEOWS WEAKLY)
1341
00:58:29,840 --> 00:58:31,707
Now, I want you
to bark like a dog.
1342
00:58:31,709 --> 00:58:34,176
Bark. Bark. Bark!
(BARKING)
1343
00:58:34,178 --> 00:58:35,711
Like a puppy.
Like a puppy.
1344
00:58:35,713 --> 00:58:37,045
(BARKS SOFTLY)
1345
00:58:37,047 --> 00:58:38,947
(BARKING)
(MEOWING)
1346
00:58:39,716 --> 00:58:41,083
(BOTH GROWLING)
1347
00:58:41,085 --> 00:58:42,718
Yeah. Come on! Do it!
1348
00:58:42,720 --> 00:58:44,553
(SOBBING)
Mmm.
1349
00:58:44,854 --> 00:58:46,255
Aw.
1350
00:58:46,257 --> 00:58:47,890
Don't cry.
1351
00:58:47,892 --> 00:58:49,691
(BARKING)
1352
00:58:49,693 --> 00:58:51,527
It's sexual
and yet frightening.
1353
00:58:51,529 --> 00:58:52,694
It's an odd mixture.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
1354
00:58:53,663 --> 00:58:54,630
Um, come in.
1355
00:58:55,732 --> 00:58:57,032
Uh, Linda.
1356
00:58:57,034 --> 00:58:58,834
Excuse me, Linda.
1357
00:58:59,536 --> 00:59:01,937
Ron, Jack wants to know
1358
00:59:01,939 --> 00:59:03,805
if he can go back
to calling himself
Jack Lime
1359
00:59:03,807 --> 00:59:05,274
instead of Jack Lame.
1360
00:59:05,276 --> 00:59:06,842
He's really
struggling with it.
1361
00:59:06,844 --> 00:59:09,244
No. Can't.
It's a bet.
1362
00:59:09,246 --> 00:59:11,213
Oh, Jesus!
1363
00:59:11,215 --> 00:59:12,581
If you want to
change it, you can.
1364
00:59:13,049 --> 00:59:14,216
Like what?
1365
00:59:14,218 --> 00:59:15,851
Art Areola.
1366
00:59:15,853 --> 00:59:18,253
No! No, that's worse!
You know it's worse!
1367
00:59:18,255 --> 00:59:20,589
How about this one?
You can call
yourself Dick Fuck.
1368
00:59:20,591 --> 00:59:22,991
Spell it P-H-U-C.
1369
00:59:22,993 --> 00:59:24,826
You'll be huge
in the Vietnamese community.
1370
00:59:24,828 --> 00:59:28,764
Listen to me, Burgundy.
This is far from over,
do you hear me?
1371
00:59:29,899 --> 00:59:31,667
I'll see you
on the playground.
1372
00:59:34,804 --> 00:59:36,004
Well.
1373
00:59:37,607 --> 00:59:38,907
This, uh,
1374
00:59:39,676 --> 00:59:41,109
meeting has been
1375
00:59:42,078 --> 00:59:43,779
very productive.
1376
00:59:43,781 --> 00:59:46,248
You can pick
me up at 8:00.
1377
00:59:46,250 --> 00:59:50,018
Okay, I'm very confused
by what's going on here.
1378
00:59:51,020 --> 00:59:52,287
Get out!
1379
00:59:52,289 --> 00:59:54,056
(ALL LAUGHING)
1380
01:00:02,732 --> 01:00:05,601
Oh, Ron. Ron, you
are missing some
real high-quality
1381
01:00:05,603 --> 01:00:07,235
Garfield laughs
over here!
1382
01:00:08,905 --> 01:00:10,372
I think our boss
just raped me.
1383
01:00:10,374 --> 01:00:12,374
What?
1384
01:00:12,376 --> 01:00:15,110
I don't know what happened.
All a bit of a blur.
1385
01:00:15,112 --> 01:00:16,812
There was hands
1386
01:00:16,814 --> 01:00:19,247
and hair,
and breath,
and lips.
1387
01:00:19,249 --> 01:00:20,749
There might have
been other people,
I don't know.
1388
01:00:20,751 --> 01:00:22,250
Sounds like she wants you.
1389
01:00:22,252 --> 01:00:23,619
Hey, man. Women have
been all over me
1390
01:00:23,621 --> 01:00:25,387
since we got crazy famous.
1391
01:00:25,389 --> 01:00:27,022
Not to brag or anything,
1392
01:00:27,024 --> 01:00:29,691
but I just gave
Florence Henderson crabs.
1393
01:00:29,693 --> 01:00:33,161
That is in no way a brag,
Brian. That's horrible.
1394
01:00:33,163 --> 01:00:36,331
Hey, it's just doing
something beautiful,
that two people do.
1395
01:00:36,333 --> 01:00:38,900
Except one of them has
microscopic dust mites
1396
01:00:38,902 --> 01:00:41,036
all over his penis
and testicles.
RON: I'm just saying,
1397
01:00:41,038 --> 01:00:44,139
the mom of The Brady Bunch
had a fun time with you,
1398
01:00:44,141 --> 01:00:47,175
and then woke up the next day
and realized she had crabs.
1399
01:00:47,177 --> 01:00:50,112
I gave her a whole
Brady Bunch of crabs.
1400
01:00:50,114 --> 01:00:51,179
(LAUGHS) Sounds to me
like it's her fault
1401
01:00:51,181 --> 01:00:52,848
for being a randy gal.
1402
01:00:52,850 --> 01:00:54,216
I have a date!
1403
01:00:54,218 --> 01:00:55,751
Brick has a date?
1404
01:00:55,753 --> 01:00:56,852
Good for Brick!
1405
01:00:56,854 --> 01:00:58,654
What's a date?
1406
01:00:58,656 --> 01:01:00,922
A date is simply
when two people
get together,
1407
01:01:00,924 --> 01:01:02,190
do something social,
have a few drinks,
1408
01:01:02,192 --> 01:01:03,392
yadda-yadda-yadda...
1409
01:01:03,394 --> 01:01:04,660
Take their shirts off...
1410
01:01:04,662 --> 01:01:06,395
(GROWLS)
1411
01:01:06,397 --> 01:01:08,130
Oh, it's okay.
RON: No, it's a fun thing.
1412
01:01:08,132 --> 01:01:09,898
It's fun.
It's all right.
1413
01:01:09,900 --> 01:01:13,135
Look. Don't worry, Brick,
we got your back, okay?
1414
01:01:13,137 --> 01:01:16,104
First things first,
we need to get you
a little protection.
1415
01:01:18,408 --> 01:01:19,675
RON: Oh!
1416
01:01:20,243 --> 01:01:22,144
There it is.
1417
01:01:22,146 --> 01:01:25,080
Brian Fantana's
glorious cabinet
of condoms.
1418
01:01:25,082 --> 01:01:28,717
Oh, Brian, I know.
How about
The Hooded Guest?
1419
01:01:28,719 --> 01:01:30,185
I like the cut of your jib.
1420
01:01:31,421 --> 01:01:33,789
RON: That one
is ultra-ribbed.
1421
01:01:33,791 --> 01:01:36,391
It's like you're wearing
an armadillo shell
on your privates.
1422
01:01:36,393 --> 01:01:38,193
It takes two hours to get on.
1423
01:01:38,195 --> 01:01:40,729
It's hooded.
She'll never
see you coming.
1424
01:01:40,731 --> 01:01:42,064
Oh, oh. Wait, wait, wait.
1425
01:01:42,066 --> 01:01:43,465
You thinking
what I'm thinking?
1426
01:01:43,467 --> 01:01:44,466
"Lou Dobin's
Good Time Weiner Pouch."
1427
01:01:45,068 --> 01:01:46,868
That's a good one.
1428
01:01:46,870 --> 01:01:50,038
Dobin. Just a drifter
who loves to watch
people have sex.
1429
01:01:50,040 --> 01:01:51,707
They're made of denim,
1430
01:01:51,709 --> 01:01:53,275
so they look better
after each washing.
1431
01:01:53,277 --> 01:01:55,010
Talk about a great ride.
1432
01:01:55,012 --> 01:01:55,944
BRIAN: I think I have it.
1433
01:01:56,879 --> 01:01:58,046
Po' Boy Condom.
1434
01:01:58,048 --> 01:02:00,215
It's a terrific condom.
1435
01:02:00,217 --> 01:02:02,951
Although it does burn
a bit because it's
covered in Cajun spices.
1436
01:02:02,953 --> 01:02:05,987
It'll put a blister
on your po' boy.
1437
01:02:05,989 --> 01:02:07,723
Brian, what's the nickname
for your penis whenever
you wear a Po' Boy?
1438
01:02:07,725 --> 01:02:09,191
Fat Tuesday.
1439
01:02:09,193 --> 01:02:11,493
Wait a minute.
I've got it.
1440
01:02:13,229 --> 01:02:14,963
"The Rigid Ghost."
RON: Mmm.
1441
01:02:14,965 --> 01:02:17,766
Ah, it's the best damn
rubber on the market.
1442
01:02:17,768 --> 01:02:21,503
Hah, I got four of my seven
illegitimate children
using this condom.
1443
01:02:21,505 --> 01:02:24,206
Uh, but, Brian, isn't that
the whole point of
wearing a condom?
1444
01:02:24,208 --> 01:02:26,341
To not
impregnate the woman?
1445
01:02:26,343 --> 01:02:28,844
Well, you know the old
expression. "Nope."
1446
01:02:29,812 --> 01:02:30,979
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
1447
01:02:34,183 --> 01:02:36,418
Thank you, Ron,
and happy St. Patrick's Day
1448
01:02:36,420 --> 01:02:38,887
to all of our
Native American friends.
1449
01:02:38,889 --> 01:02:39,988
On the big map...
1450
01:02:42,158 --> 01:02:43,024
Where's my map?
1451
01:02:44,060 --> 01:02:46,261
There's no map,
it's just green.
1452
01:02:46,263 --> 01:02:48,263
No, there's a map there.
Look at the monitor.
1453
01:02:48,265 --> 01:02:50,766
Right. Oh.
(WHIMPERS)
1454
01:02:50,768 --> 01:02:52,367
Ron, where's my legs?
1455
01:02:52,369 --> 01:02:54,102
Where are my legs?
Your legs are there.
1456
01:02:54,104 --> 01:02:56,037
I don't have
any legs, Ron.
1457
01:02:56,039 --> 01:02:57,873
I don't even know
how I'm standing up.
1458
01:03:00,109 --> 01:03:01,977
Brick, your legs are fine.
1459
01:03:01,979 --> 01:03:04,479
The color of your pants
just matches...
1460
01:03:04,481 --> 01:03:06,248
Ron, I don't have any legs!
(SOBBING)
1461
01:03:06,250 --> 01:03:07,282
The Chroma-Key behind you.
1462
01:03:07,284 --> 01:03:09,484
Ninety-three?
1463
01:03:09,486 --> 01:03:11,820
Ninety-three?
(CONTINUES SOBBING)
1464
01:03:11,822 --> 01:03:13,155
Relax.
1465
01:03:13,157 --> 01:03:17,425
(SCREAMING)
1466
01:03:17,427 --> 01:03:20,462
And after I received
my Masters in Journalism
from Columbia,
1467
01:03:20,464 --> 01:03:23,865
I got a job with the London
bureau for ABC News.
1468
01:03:23,867 --> 01:03:25,433
Wow, London.
1469
01:03:25,435 --> 01:03:28,370
You're so impressive,
and I've...
1470
01:03:28,372 --> 01:03:30,539
I've only been out of
the United States twice.
1471
01:03:30,541 --> 01:03:33,308
A handful of times
in Mexico, and then
1472
01:03:33,310 --> 01:03:34,309
the second time
I left the country,
1473
01:03:34,311 --> 01:03:36,912
we went to Salem, Oregon.
1474
01:03:36,914 --> 01:03:37,979
Mr. Burgundy,
are you nervous?
1475
01:03:38,214 --> 01:03:39,948
God, yes.
1476
01:03:39,950 --> 01:03:41,416
Did I scare you
by coming on so strong?
1477
01:03:42,051 --> 01:03:44,186
A little bit, sure.
1478
01:03:44,188 --> 01:03:46,188
Look, it's not that
you're not attractive...
Mmm-hmm?
1479
01:03:46,190 --> 01:03:48,356
It's just I'm a little
old-fashioned.
1480
01:03:48,358 --> 01:03:50,859
Well, I am
a modern woman.
Mmm.
1481
01:03:51,327 --> 01:03:52,594
And let me tell you,
1482
01:03:52,596 --> 01:03:55,197
when I see something
that I want, I go for it.
1483
01:03:55,965 --> 01:03:57,365
Can I ask you a question?
1484
01:03:57,367 --> 01:03:58,867
Mmm-hmm.
1485
01:03:58,869 --> 01:04:00,936
Is that your foot
between my legs?
1486
01:04:01,103 --> 01:04:02,304
No.
1487
01:04:02,306 --> 01:04:04,172
Oh. I'm sorry.
1488
01:04:05,174 --> 01:04:06,608
It was my hand.
1489
01:04:06,610 --> 01:04:08,276
So...
1490
01:04:08,278 --> 01:04:09,878
We're going to do this,
aren't we?
1491
01:04:09,880 --> 01:04:13,582
We most definitely
are gonna do this.
1492
01:04:13,584 --> 01:04:17,185
I feel a little awkward,
because I'm...
1493
01:04:17,187 --> 01:04:19,221
(LOUDLY)
I'm about to have sex
with a black lady!
1494
01:04:19,223 --> 01:04:21,556
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
1495
01:04:21,558 --> 01:04:24,860
Mmm.
That's not the way I like
to handle my business.
1496
01:04:24,862 --> 01:04:26,928
When I get nervous,
I sometimes lose control
1497
01:04:26,930 --> 01:04:28,196
of the volume of my voice.
1498
01:04:28,865 --> 01:04:30,365
Well, I don't mind,
1499
01:04:30,367 --> 01:04:32,100
because I am going
to have you tonight.
1500
01:04:32,635 --> 01:04:34,336
Then let's leave
1501
01:04:34,338 --> 01:04:35,604
(LOUDLY)
and go have
interracial sex!
1502
01:04:37,907 --> 01:04:38,874
(WHISPERING)
Sorry.
1503
01:04:39,442 --> 01:04:40,976
(R&B MUSIC PLAYING)
1504
01:05:20,082 --> 01:05:21,116
This is the nicest
soda machine
1505
01:05:21,118 --> 01:05:23,151
anyone's ever
taken me to.
1506
01:05:23,153 --> 01:05:24,319
The beauty of this
soda machine pales
1507
01:05:24,321 --> 01:05:25,620
in comparison
to your beauty.
1508
01:05:32,662 --> 01:05:34,596
Can I ask you
a personal question?
1509
01:05:34,598 --> 01:05:36,531
I'm not sure
what that is, but yes.
1510
01:05:36,533 --> 01:05:38,033
Have you ever
kissed anyone?
1511
01:05:39,035 --> 01:05:40,568
Do faces on the TV screen
1512
01:05:40,570 --> 01:05:42,003
and Planet of the Apes
action figures count?
1513
01:05:42,672 --> 01:05:44,506
Of course.
1514
01:05:44,508 --> 01:05:48,276
Then, yes. I have kissed
Angie Dickinson and Dr. Zaius.
1515
01:05:50,046 --> 01:05:52,314
I've only kissed people
in my dreams.
1516
01:05:52,316 --> 01:05:55,483
So, I've only kissed
a tiny dragon
1517
01:05:55,485 --> 01:05:57,686
and a woman
with her hair on fire.
1518
01:05:57,688 --> 01:06:00,355
I don't have a lot
of experience with kissing,
1519
01:06:00,357 --> 01:06:02,490
but I do know one thing...
1520
01:06:02,492 --> 01:06:05,293
Always get
your teeth involved.
1521
01:06:05,295 --> 01:06:07,629
I think I'm ready
to maybe try
that kiss thing now.
1522
01:06:45,067 --> 01:06:46,334
Hello, Ms. Jackson.
1523
01:06:47,370 --> 01:06:49,270
I didn't mean
to scare you.
1524
01:06:49,272 --> 01:06:52,040
Mr. Allenby,
I wasn't
expecting you to...
1525
01:06:52,042 --> 01:06:53,641
Yeah, no, I know.
Neither was I.
1526
01:06:55,211 --> 01:06:57,012
But then I heard
about this little story
1527
01:06:57,014 --> 01:07:00,148
that Ron Burgundy and
Brian Fantana are running.
1528
01:07:00,150 --> 01:07:02,183
You see,
some of the planes
from my airline
1529
01:07:02,185 --> 01:07:03,618
have had parts
falling off them lately.
1530
01:07:04,286 --> 01:07:06,421
Is it a problem? Yeah.
1531
01:07:06,423 --> 01:07:09,724
Is it being fixed?
I don't know, probably.
1532
01:07:09,726 --> 01:07:13,762
But if that story runs,
then Koala stock will plummet.
1533
01:07:13,764 --> 01:07:16,765
We can't just pull the story.
That would be unethical.
1534
01:07:16,767 --> 01:07:19,467
We own the news.
We can do whatever we want.
1535
01:07:20,236 --> 01:07:22,637
That's one of the perks.
1536
01:07:22,639 --> 01:07:25,640
It's called "synergy."
One company
working with another.
1537
01:07:29,412 --> 01:07:30,645
To synergy.
1538
01:07:39,455 --> 01:07:42,357
You seem a little quiet,
I must say.
1539
01:07:42,359 --> 01:07:44,692
Just so you know,
I'm absolutely fine
1540
01:07:46,495 --> 01:07:47,829
They're going to love you.
1541
01:07:49,198 --> 01:07:51,166
Mmm. This is delicious!
1542
01:07:53,202 --> 01:07:54,135
So...
1543
01:07:55,271 --> 01:07:56,337
How long have you
and Linda been dating?
1544
01:07:56,839 --> 01:07:57,839
Mother.
(CHUCKLING)
1545
01:07:57,841 --> 01:07:59,441
Oh.
1546
01:07:59,443 --> 01:08:01,309
No, it's all right.
It's a logical question.
1547
01:08:01,311 --> 01:08:03,311
Um...
1548
01:08:03,313 --> 01:08:07,115
Ours is a new love,
but it burns very brightly.
1549
01:08:08,417 --> 01:08:12,387
And it gets hot
and sweaty and stanky.
1550
01:08:12,389 --> 01:08:15,256
There's some stank
on that love.
1551
01:08:15,258 --> 01:08:16,825
What... What are you
talking about?
1552
01:08:16,827 --> 01:08:19,694
Let's put it this way,
I be busting nuts
like a squirrel.
1553
01:08:19,696 --> 01:08:22,330
Oh, now, we don't
have conversations
like that over dinner.
1554
01:08:22,332 --> 01:08:26,234
I'm addressing the white
elephant in the room.
1555
01:08:26,236 --> 01:08:27,635
I'm breaking down the barriers
1556
01:08:27,637 --> 01:08:29,737
of race by assimilation.
1557
01:08:29,739 --> 01:08:31,739
That's all I'm doing.
Well, you're coming off
like a jerk.
1558
01:08:31,741 --> 01:08:33,741
I think it's going well.
1559
01:08:33,743 --> 01:08:35,276
LINDA'S FATHER:
(CLEARS THROAT)
If you haven't noticed,
1560
01:08:35,278 --> 01:08:36,544
we don't
converse like that.
1561
01:08:36,546 --> 01:08:38,813
Okay, okay.
1562
01:08:38,815 --> 01:08:41,116
Look at big papa
down here.
1563
01:08:41,118 --> 01:08:43,618
He's saying to himself,
"Shit! Look at this honky.
1564
01:08:43,620 --> 01:08:47,255
"Sittin' at my table,
eatin' my food. In my house?
Touching my daughter?"
1565
01:08:47,257 --> 01:08:48,623
I have.
1566
01:08:48,625 --> 01:08:50,191
I have touched
your daughter.
LINDA: Honey!
1567
01:08:50,193 --> 01:08:52,293
We have done things, Papa.
1568
01:08:52,295 --> 01:08:54,596
You ain't gonna like.
You ain't gonna like it none!
1569
01:08:54,598 --> 01:08:56,698
Oh, my goodness!
1570
01:08:56,700 --> 01:09:01,436
I mean, I'm just a guy
from Terre Haute, Indiana
1571
01:09:01,438 --> 01:09:06,407
with a big ol' dick and
a fat wallet and a spleef
the size of a baby arm.
1572
01:09:06,409 --> 01:09:08,543
Just looking for someone
who wants to smoke it.
1573
01:09:08,545 --> 01:09:10,445
Let's get some smoke
going in this place, right?
1574
01:09:10,447 --> 01:09:12,247
This ain't no Super Fly.
What is your problem, man?
1575
01:09:14,850 --> 01:09:18,486
Linda, I don't understand
what you are doing with him.
1576
01:09:18,488 --> 01:09:20,588
Oh, you know what
I'm comin' at you with,
1577
01:09:20,590 --> 01:09:23,625
you big black
mother of Linda.
Mix it up in a pot!
1578
01:09:23,627 --> 01:09:26,394
Makin' it spicy!
Oh, my Lord.
1579
01:09:26,396 --> 01:09:28,796
Hey.
In the back,
cooking up chitlins.
1580
01:09:28,798 --> 01:09:31,232
Big ol' titties.
Big ol' titties.
1581
01:09:31,234 --> 01:09:32,934
Excuse me?
1582
01:09:32,936 --> 01:09:34,636
That's my mama, man.
RON: Hey.
1583
01:09:34,638 --> 01:09:36,905
Wave your hands in the air.
1584
01:09:36,907 --> 01:09:38,840
Wave your hands in the air
like you just don't care.
1585
01:09:38,842 --> 01:09:40,675
Please, don't do this.
1586
01:09:40,677 --> 01:09:43,278
Now, which one of you
pipe-hittin' bitches
1587
01:09:43,280 --> 01:09:45,547
can pass me
the mashed potatoes?
(ALL GASPING)
1588
01:09:45,549 --> 01:09:47,382
RON: Oh, I don't think
that dinner could've
gone any better.
1589
01:09:47,384 --> 01:09:48,750
LINDA: (YELLING)
Are you nuts?
1590
01:09:48,752 --> 01:09:50,852
No, I'm not!
I had a wonderful evening!
1591
01:09:51,921 --> 01:09:54,322
My dad was kicking you
in the head!
1592
01:09:54,324 --> 01:09:56,791
I thought it was like
being jumped into a gang.
1593
01:09:56,793 --> 01:09:58,660
Only with dinner guests!
1594
01:09:58,662 --> 01:10:00,962
You called my family
"pipe-hittin' bitches!"
1595
01:10:00,964 --> 01:10:02,764
I hate to
pin it on you, but
1596
01:10:03,899 --> 01:10:04,866
you did
invite me to dinner.
1597
01:10:05,868 --> 01:10:07,335
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
1598
01:10:07,337 --> 01:10:09,437
No, I'm sorry.
I just...
1599
01:10:09,439 --> 01:10:12,407
I'm just under
a lot of stress because...
1600
01:10:12,409 --> 01:10:14,475
Because Allenby,
he doesn't
want you to do
1601
01:10:14,477 --> 01:10:15,710
the story that
you're doing for sweeps.
1602
01:10:16,612 --> 01:10:17,879
"Death From Above."
1603
01:10:17,881 --> 01:10:19,347
It's an excellent story.
Wonderful expose.
1604
01:10:19,349 --> 01:10:20,782
Listen, Ron.
1605
01:10:22,351 --> 01:10:23,885
Have you ever heard
of synergy?
1606
01:10:30,492 --> 01:10:32,660
So your mom thought
we should get together,
1607
01:10:32,662 --> 01:10:34,262
spend a little time.
1608
01:10:35,698 --> 01:10:38,700
She doesn't think I connect
with you as a child.
1609
01:10:40,669 --> 01:10:42,370
Can you believe
that bullshit?
(SCOFFS)
1610
01:10:44,240 --> 01:10:46,441
Oh! This is hard.
1611
01:10:46,443 --> 01:10:49,277
Things you say
to a 6-year-old...
1612
01:10:50,646 --> 01:10:53,448
Oh! Guess what?
I slept with a black woman.
1613
01:10:53,450 --> 01:10:55,550
What?
Nothing.
1614
01:10:55,552 --> 01:10:58,253
Dad, do you like Spider-Man?
1615
01:10:58,255 --> 01:11:02,323
Nope. Don't care for him.
Never have.
1616
01:11:02,325 --> 01:11:05,927
Don't like the mask,
the costume, the get-up,
the webs. Uh-uh.
1617
01:11:05,929 --> 01:11:08,763
He comes off
like a real dickhead.
Real poser.
1618
01:11:08,765 --> 01:11:10,665
What's a poser?
1619
01:11:10,667 --> 01:11:15,503
A poser is Gary.
That's what a poser is.
1620
01:11:15,505 --> 01:11:17,338
By the way,
how is that shitheel?
1621
01:11:18,874 --> 01:11:21,743
A shitheel is a real fun term
1622
01:11:21,745 --> 01:11:24,379
that you should call Gary
every time you see him.
1623
01:11:24,381 --> 01:11:27,849
When he wakes you up
for breakfast, say,
"Good morning, shitheel."
1624
01:11:27,851 --> 01:11:30,351
He'll probably give you
$5 or some candy.
1625
01:11:30,353 --> 01:11:32,387
Does that sound good?
Yeah.
1626
01:11:32,389 --> 01:11:34,489
You're a shitheel, Dad.
1627
01:11:34,491 --> 01:11:39,661
You should just call
Gary that. 'Cause it
makes him really happy.
1628
01:11:39,663 --> 01:11:41,929
It makes me sort of happy,
but it makes him really happy.
1629
01:11:42,765 --> 01:11:44,966
Dad.
Huh?
1630
01:11:44,968 --> 01:11:46,701
Sometimes I hear
sounds at night
1631
01:11:46,703 --> 01:11:48,469
and I get scared.
1632
01:11:48,471 --> 01:11:51,372
I think there's
a ghost in my closet.
1633
01:11:51,374 --> 01:11:53,074
Now, you
listen to me, son.
1634
01:11:53,076 --> 01:11:57,312
There is no such thing
as ghosts. Case closed.
1635
01:11:57,314 --> 01:11:58,880
So what's real
that's scary?
1636
01:11:58,882 --> 01:12:00,348
You really want to know
1637
01:12:00,350 --> 01:12:01,716
the one thing
you should be afraid of?
1638
01:12:02,084 --> 01:12:03,651
Yes, I really do.
1639
01:12:04,420 --> 01:12:06,387
Voodoo.
Voodoo?
1640
01:12:06,389 --> 01:12:07,822
Yes, voodoo.
1641
01:12:07,824 --> 01:12:09,824
That shit will
mess you up.
1642
01:12:09,826 --> 01:12:12,360
And it is 100% real.
1643
01:12:12,661 --> 01:12:14,729
Promise me
1644
01:12:14,731 --> 01:12:15,630
that you'll never
go to Haiti.
1645
01:12:16,065 --> 01:12:18,066
I promise, Dad.
1646
01:12:18,068 --> 01:12:20,001
This was good. I enjoyed
spending time with you.
1647
01:12:20,003 --> 01:12:21,803
Me, too, Dad.
1648
01:12:21,805 --> 01:12:23,805
Oh, and hey.
Do you want to
go to Haiti sometime?
1649
01:12:23,807 --> 01:12:26,007
No.
Good. Good.
1650
01:12:26,009 --> 01:12:27,942
(YELLING)
What did you tell him?
1651
01:12:27,944 --> 01:12:29,911
I didn't tell him anything.
1652
01:12:29,913 --> 01:12:32,547
He hasn't slept
for four days, Ron!
1653
01:12:32,549 --> 01:12:35,049
Everywhere we go,
he asks me
if we're going to Haiti!
1654
01:12:35,051 --> 01:12:36,751
What does that even mean?
1655
01:12:36,753 --> 01:12:39,654
I am so sick and tired
that you've sheltered him
1656
01:12:39,656 --> 01:12:41,756
from the evils of voodoo.
1657
01:12:41,758 --> 01:12:44,826
You need to learn to connect
with him in a healthy way!
1658
01:12:44,828 --> 01:12:46,861
Let me ask you something,
and I'm not trying
to be funny here.
1659
01:12:46,863 --> 01:12:49,464
Are you sure he's not a midget
with a learning disability?
1660
01:12:49,466 --> 01:12:52,700
He is seven years old, Ron.
1661
01:12:52,702 --> 01:12:54,502
All right.
Now listen to me.
1662
01:12:54,504 --> 01:12:57,839
He has a science fair
tomorrow, at 8:00,
1663
01:12:57,841 --> 01:12:59,440
and he wants you
to be there.
1664
01:12:59,442 --> 01:13:02,443
I will be there.
All right?
1665
01:13:02,445 --> 01:13:03,878
Now, who do you have
for sweeps week?
1666
01:13:03,880 --> 01:13:06,114
I'm not discussing
work with you, Ron, okay?
1667
01:13:06,116 --> 01:13:08,583
Just be there
at the science fair tomorrow.
1668
01:13:08,585 --> 01:13:09,550
Fine!
1669
01:13:11,120 --> 01:13:13,154
Well, they're calling it
the interview of the decade.
1670
01:13:13,156 --> 01:13:15,022
Veronica Corningstone will
sit down with Yasser Arafat.
1671
01:13:15,691 --> 01:13:16,991
Yasser who?
1672
01:13:16,993 --> 01:13:23,965
Of course, Ms. Corningstone is
the ex-wife of Ron Burgundy,
1673
01:13:23,967 --> 01:13:26,100
so you know that's got to be
a little stinger for Ronny.
1674
01:13:26,102 --> 01:13:28,536
Tony Danza's scrotum!
1675
01:13:28,538 --> 01:13:30,805
Well, that'll do it
for all of us here at GNN.
1676
01:13:30,807 --> 01:13:33,775
Thank God for the events,
thank me for the news.
1677
01:13:33,777 --> 01:13:35,042
I'm Dick Phuc.
1678
01:13:39,081 --> 01:13:42,917
We're going to get crushed
in ratings. Just crushed.
1679
01:13:42,919 --> 01:13:45,420
I really thought we had
a chance this time.
1680
01:13:45,422 --> 01:13:47,121
What about my
"Death From Above" story?
1681
01:13:48,791 --> 01:13:51,058
You better ask Ron
about that.
1682
01:13:52,528 --> 01:13:54,095
We're pulling that story,
Brian.
1683
01:13:54,097 --> 01:13:56,931
What? Why?
I worked hard
on that story.
1684
01:13:56,933 --> 01:13:58,533
It was my call,
all right, Brian?
1685
01:13:58,535 --> 01:14:00,201
Just let it go.
It's synergy.
1686
01:14:00,203 --> 01:14:01,469
What does that mean?
1687
01:14:01,471 --> 01:14:03,704
Take it easy, Ron.
1688
01:14:03,706 --> 01:14:05,807
We got further than anybody
thought we would.
We'll get 'em next time.
1689
01:14:05,809 --> 01:14:07,542
You take it easy!
1690
01:14:07,544 --> 01:14:09,110
I'm not in this
to finish second!
1691
01:14:09,112 --> 01:14:10,978
I think Champ
is just saying...
1692
01:14:10,980 --> 01:14:14,549
I know what he was trying
to say, Brian, okay?
1693
01:14:14,551 --> 01:14:17,185
And it doesn't
surprise me that
you guys don't care.
1694
01:14:17,187 --> 01:14:19,454
Let's face it,
I'm the one
who gets the ratings.
1695
01:14:20,722 --> 01:14:22,557
I'm starting to wonder
what you clowns actually do.
1696
01:14:23,792 --> 01:14:26,561
Chani likes clowns.
Except for the scary ones.
1697
01:14:26,563 --> 01:14:27,495
Shut up, Brick!
1698
01:14:28,096 --> 01:14:29,897
Just shut up for once!
1699
01:14:30,966 --> 01:14:32,800
(VOICE BREAKING)
Ron
1700
01:14:32,802 --> 01:14:34,502
yelled at me.
1701
01:14:34,504 --> 01:14:35,203
You're damn right
I yelled at you!
1702
01:14:39,541 --> 01:14:41,876
You don't yell at Brick.
1703
01:14:41,878 --> 01:14:42,977
Are you
still smoking crack?
1704
01:14:43,579 --> 01:14:44,779
No.
1705
01:14:45,948 --> 01:14:47,248
I only smoked crack
that one time.
1706
01:14:49,017 --> 01:14:52,019
That's a lie.
I've done it
six more times.
1707
01:14:52,021 --> 01:14:53,488
You made Brick cry.
1708
01:14:53,490 --> 01:14:55,189
(SOBBING)
1709
01:14:55,191 --> 01:14:57,058
You've gone
ratings crazy, Ron.
1710
01:14:59,661 --> 01:15:02,129
But seriously,
do you have any more
of that crack left?
1711
01:15:02,131 --> 01:15:04,499
You know what, Ron?
1712
01:15:04,501 --> 01:15:06,667
We're a news team,
and that's a bond for life.
1713
01:15:06,669 --> 01:15:08,569
But I don't like
the man you've become.
1714
01:15:08,571 --> 01:15:10,004
You know, we were happy
when you found us.
1715
01:15:10,006 --> 01:15:11,606
Right?
1716
01:15:11,608 --> 01:15:13,541
I was taking
pictures of pussies,
1717
01:15:13,543 --> 01:15:16,511
Champ was serving bats to
people, and Brick was dead.
1718
01:15:16,513 --> 01:15:19,580
We took a gamble.
Took a gamble
to follow you here.
1719
01:15:19,582 --> 01:15:21,249
But I'm starting to realize,
this was all about you,
1720
01:15:21,251 --> 01:15:23,651
and beating Veronica
at all costs.
1721
01:15:23,653 --> 01:15:24,919
Had nothing to do
with the news,
nothing to do with the team.
1722
01:15:24,921 --> 01:15:26,521
Brian, don't.
1723
01:15:26,523 --> 01:15:27,989
You know,
I might not be
the smartest guy,
1724
01:15:27,991 --> 01:15:30,725
but I know a thing or two
about a thing or two.
1725
01:15:30,727 --> 01:15:32,760
I know that
if you're pleasuring
a woman down south,
1726
01:15:32,762 --> 01:15:34,662
you use your tongue
to spell out the alphabet.
1727
01:15:34,664 --> 01:15:37,732
Around the bubble.
Around her bubble.
1728
01:15:37,734 --> 01:15:40,968
The vulva!
The Volvo.
1729
01:15:40,970 --> 01:15:44,539
I know that "synergy"
is a completely
made-up word.
1730
01:15:44,541 --> 01:15:47,308
I know that washing
your hands is for nerds.
1731
01:15:47,310 --> 01:15:49,844
Especially if you
don't mind pinkeye.
1732
01:15:49,846 --> 01:15:55,149
And I know that,
no matter what, you always
stand by your friends.
1733
01:15:55,151 --> 01:15:57,184
You'll have to
excuse me, Brian.
1734
01:15:58,053 --> 01:16:00,655
I've got a sore back
1735
01:16:00,657 --> 01:16:03,691
from carrying
your ass around
for the last 15 years.
1736
01:16:04,860 --> 01:16:06,961
You know what, Burgundy?
1737
01:16:06,963 --> 01:16:09,797
I think your mouth
is writing checks
that your body isn't...
1738
01:16:09,799 --> 01:16:11,666
Can't even...
Do anything with.
1739
01:16:13,936 --> 01:16:15,002
(GROANS)
1740
01:16:18,240 --> 01:16:20,808
Fine, go!
I don't need you!
1741
01:16:21,743 --> 01:16:23,678
I'll do the news by myself!
1742
01:16:28,817 --> 01:16:32,019
Tonight I interview
Yasser Arafat,
1743
01:16:32,021 --> 01:16:32,954
This is terrible.
the secretive head
of the PLO.
1744
01:16:34,623 --> 01:16:36,123
We're on in 20, Ron. 20.
All right.
1745
01:16:37,025 --> 01:16:37,925
You ready?
1746
01:16:38,794 --> 01:16:40,895
What's that?
Huh?
1747
01:16:40,897 --> 01:16:43,230
Oh, that's nothing.
It's just a car chase
1748
01:16:43,232 --> 01:16:45,032
on the satellite feed
from Milwaukee.
1749
01:16:46,201 --> 01:16:48,336
You know what?
1750
01:16:48,338 --> 01:16:50,838
Give it to me live
to start the broadcast.
1751
01:16:50,840 --> 01:16:53,608
No. That's not news, Ron.
1752
01:16:53,610 --> 01:16:55,610
Give it to me live, okay?
1753
01:16:55,612 --> 01:16:56,877
And don't question
me again.
1754
01:16:56,879 --> 01:16:58,279
Bill!
1755
01:16:58,281 --> 01:17:00,781
NARRATOR: Now to you,
the modern viewer,
1756
01:17:00,783 --> 01:17:03,651
MAN: Here we go.
reporting on a car chase
may seem commonplace,
1757
01:17:03,653 --> 01:17:06,821
3, 2...
but in 1980,
it was unheard of.
1758
01:17:06,823 --> 01:17:08,956
Good evening.
I'm Ron Burgundy,
1759
01:17:08,958 --> 01:17:11,258
reporting live
from New York.
1760
01:17:11,260 --> 01:17:14,729
We have breaking news
developing in
our nation's heartland.
1761
01:17:14,731 --> 01:17:18,399
A high-speed car chase
is in progress...
1762
01:17:18,401 --> 01:17:21,002
Keep the "Breaking News" logo.
Keep up the graphics.
1763
01:17:21,004 --> 01:17:23,971
And for the first time
in news history,
1764
01:17:23,973 --> 01:17:26,073
we will stay with it live
1765
01:17:26,075 --> 01:17:29,010
until it resolves
in either a huge accident
1766
01:17:29,012 --> 01:17:31,012
or a massive shootout.
WOMAN: Richard!
1767
01:17:31,014 --> 01:17:33,280
Hurry. Get in here!
There's a car chase
on the news!
1768
01:17:34,950 --> 01:17:36,851
WALTER: When is Dad
gonna be here?
1769
01:17:36,853 --> 01:17:37,885
GARY: He'll be here.
1770
01:17:38,654 --> 01:17:39,954
Are you a little upset?
1771
01:17:39,956 --> 01:17:41,856
Do you want to
do that thing where we
1772
01:17:42,791 --> 01:17:45,126
sort of talk
about our feelings?
1773
01:17:45,128 --> 01:17:47,695
Oh, God, no.
Okay.
1774
01:17:47,697 --> 01:17:49,430
RON: This is the pulse
of what's going on
1775
01:17:49,432 --> 01:17:51,432
in our country right now.
1776
01:17:51,434 --> 01:17:53,100
Freddie, what's going on?
1777
01:17:53,102 --> 01:17:55,002
Why is there a local
car chase on the TV?
1778
01:17:55,004 --> 01:17:56,971
It's Burgundy. He insisted!
1779
01:17:56,973 --> 01:17:58,739
Can't you see what
the son of a bitch is doing?
1780
01:17:58,741 --> 01:18:00,107
We didn't have a story,
so he made one.
1781
01:18:00,109 --> 01:18:02,176
You can't do that!
1782
01:18:02,178 --> 01:18:04,111
Tell Ron to speculate
who's driving the car.
1783
01:18:04,113 --> 01:18:07,281
Ron, speculate
on who's driving the car.
1784
01:18:07,283 --> 01:18:11,052
Uh, we believe the driver
may be on drugs.
1785
01:18:11,054 --> 01:18:13,921
He's probably 6'7", 6'8".
1786
01:18:13,923 --> 01:18:16,424
But a skinny 6'7", 6'8".
About 160.
1787
01:18:16,426 --> 01:18:18,926
He may have
a hostage or two.
1788
01:18:18,928 --> 01:18:21,262
Uh, we don't know.
He could have...
1789
01:18:21,264 --> 01:18:23,998
The phone lines
are lighting up.
It's about the chase!
1790
01:18:24,000 --> 01:18:25,733
I've never seen
anything like it!
1791
01:18:25,735 --> 01:18:28,269
Mr. Arafat,
is there any
1792
01:18:28,271 --> 01:18:31,806
scenario by which peace
could be reached with Israel?
1793
01:18:31,808 --> 01:18:33,741
ARAFAT: Peace is
what burns in my heart.
I am committed to...
1794
01:18:33,743 --> 01:18:34,375
What was... Excuse me.
1795
01:18:35,277 --> 01:18:37,244
What happened to the...
1796
01:18:37,246 --> 01:18:39,046
The network cut to
another developing story.
1797
01:18:39,048 --> 01:18:40,881
Some kind of
crazy car chase.
1798
01:18:40,883 --> 01:18:43,718
Who covers a car chase?
1799
01:18:43,720 --> 01:18:47,922
I am sitting here with the
most important interview
of my entire career,
1800
01:18:47,924 --> 01:18:49,457
and they're cutting
to a car chase?
1801
01:18:49,459 --> 01:18:51,192
I would like to watch
the car chase.
1802
01:18:51,194 --> 01:18:52,827
You need to shut your mouth.
1803
01:18:52,829 --> 01:18:56,864
Oh! Oh! He just hit a car!
He just hit a car!
1804
01:18:56,866 --> 01:18:58,032
He hit a car!
Did you see that?
1805
01:18:58,034 --> 01:19:00,234
He hit a car!
RON: Wow!
1806
01:19:00,236 --> 01:19:01,902
He hit the car!
He hit the car!
1807
01:19:01,904 --> 01:19:04,872
When did the news
get awesome?
(ALL WHOOPING)
1808
01:19:04,874 --> 01:19:06,774
RON: And he just
loses it! Wow!
1809
01:19:06,776 --> 01:19:08,476
That's exactly
what we needed.
1810
01:19:13,081 --> 01:19:15,382
Hey. You did
a great job.
1811
01:19:15,384 --> 01:19:17,785
Thanks, Gary.
1812
01:19:17,787 --> 01:19:19,320
I don't think
your dad's coming.
1813
01:19:19,322 --> 01:19:20,855
I'm sorry, honey,
but I think we need to go.
1814
01:19:22,491 --> 01:19:24,425
Stop reading my mind!
1815
01:19:25,227 --> 01:19:26,327
All right.
1816
01:19:27,395 --> 01:19:28,896
(SIGHS)
1817
01:19:30,966 --> 01:19:32,466
I mean, this is
what I worry about.
1818
01:19:34,803 --> 01:19:36,771
WALTER: Did you do that
with your mind?
1819
01:19:36,773 --> 01:19:37,838
GARY: No.
1820
01:19:37,840 --> 01:19:39,807
WALTER: Liar.
1821
01:19:39,809 --> 01:19:44,078
We're just getting word
that police have finally
apprehended the suspect.
1822
01:19:44,080 --> 01:19:46,947
It turns out that
he is an elderly gentleman,
1823
01:19:46,949 --> 01:19:48,883
he's 80 years old,
1824
01:19:48,885 --> 01:19:50,484
and he was simply confused.
Unbelievable.
1825
01:19:50,486 --> 01:19:52,553
I'm Ron Burgundy.
1826
01:19:52,555 --> 01:19:56,257
Don't just have a great night,
have an American night.
1827
01:19:58,226 --> 01:19:59,927
And we are clear!
1828
01:20:00,195 --> 01:20:01,162
Yes!
1829
01:20:01,830 --> 01:20:02,997
Great!
1830
01:20:02,999 --> 01:20:04,832
All right!
1831
01:20:04,834 --> 01:20:06,801
I don't believe it!
You did it, Ron!
1832
01:20:06,803 --> 01:20:08,502
Oh, my goodness.
Thanks, Freddie.
1833
01:20:09,971 --> 01:20:11,939
I don't deserve this.
1834
01:20:11,941 --> 01:20:13,440
It was a team effort.
It really was.
1835
01:20:22,918 --> 01:20:24,585
KENCH: Now,
ladies and gentlemen,
1836
01:20:24,587 --> 01:20:26,921
we all know there's one reason
1837
01:20:26,923 --> 01:20:30,324
that GNN
has gotten to the top.
1838
01:20:30,326 --> 01:20:33,260
And that reason is
the greatest bloody newsman
in the world.
1839
01:20:33,262 --> 01:20:35,296
Long may he reign!
1840
01:20:35,298 --> 01:20:36,997
Mr. Ron Burgundy!
(CROWD CHEERING)
1841
01:20:36,999 --> 01:20:37,998
Yeah, Ron! Yeah!
1842
01:20:41,970 --> 01:20:44,238
(PLAYING LIVELY TUNE)
1843
01:20:47,442 --> 01:20:48,976
LINDA: Fire it up, Ronny!
1844
01:20:53,081 --> 01:20:54,548
(BAND PLAYING DISCO MUSIC)
1845
01:21:07,596 --> 01:21:09,396
(CROWD CHEERING)
1846
01:21:13,068 --> 01:21:14,635
Let's blaze.
1847
01:21:14,637 --> 01:21:17,004
Yeah. To hell
with Ron Burgundy.
1848
01:21:18,373 --> 01:21:20,140
We did it,
my onyx hellion.
1849
01:21:22,644 --> 01:21:23,544
You're magic!
1850
01:21:26,348 --> 01:21:28,282
Ron, you should see
what you're doing!
1851
01:21:30,552 --> 01:21:32,019
(CONTINUE PLAYING DISCO MUSIC)
1852
01:21:44,666 --> 01:21:47,134
NARRATOR:
In the myth of Icarus,
1853
01:21:47,136 --> 01:21:49,904
Icarus, full of the folly
that comes with pride,
1854
01:21:49,906 --> 01:21:51,238
flew too high
1855
01:21:51,240 --> 01:21:52,973
and the sun melted his wings.
1856
01:21:54,576 --> 01:21:58,312
Burgundy's fame was bigger
than he ever imagined.
1857
01:21:58,314 --> 01:22:00,915
And the fall was dizzying.
1858
01:22:02,450 --> 01:22:03,317
(ALL GASPING)
1859
01:22:05,553 --> 01:22:06,954
(SCREAMS)
1860
01:22:09,190 --> 01:22:10,424
LINDA: Oh, my God, Ronny!
1861
01:22:10,959 --> 01:22:12,993
Ron!
1862
01:22:12,995 --> 01:22:14,561
Open the bloody gate.
WOMAN: Will somebody
call an ambulance?
1863
01:22:14,563 --> 01:22:16,463
Do not die
in front of us!
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
1864
01:22:17,565 --> 01:22:20,067
Do not die in front of us!
1865
01:22:22,337 --> 01:22:24,171
Stay classy,
Ron Burgundy.
1866
01:22:24,173 --> 01:22:25,472
MAN: Somebody
call an ambulance!
1867
01:22:37,452 --> 01:22:39,219
Damn it, Milton,
what is it?
1868
01:22:39,221 --> 01:22:40,521
BRANGLEY: Well, Ron...
1869
01:22:40,523 --> 01:22:42,523
I, um...
1870
01:22:42,525 --> 01:22:45,492
It looks as if
both optic nerves
1871
01:22:45,494 --> 01:22:48,662
are separated from
their respective corneas.
1872
01:22:48,664 --> 01:22:50,364
What?
No other way
to put this, but...
1873
01:22:51,066 --> 01:22:52,266
You're blind.
1874
01:22:52,268 --> 01:22:55,135
Milton, I'm an anchorman.
1875
01:22:55,137 --> 01:22:58,605
I read the news
off the teleprompter.
It's what I do!
1876
01:22:58,607 --> 01:23:00,240
How will I live?
1877
01:23:00,242 --> 01:23:01,642
I'm no career counselor,
1878
01:23:01,644 --> 01:23:03,344
but there are
many things you can do.
1879
01:23:03,346 --> 01:23:05,579
Be an oracle,
or a mystic.
1880
01:23:05,581 --> 01:23:07,481
Clearly, there
must be something
1881
01:23:07,483 --> 01:23:10,985
in this new-fangled office
of yours that can help me!
1882
01:23:10,987 --> 01:23:12,386
Settle down.
There's got to be
something in here!
1883
01:23:12,388 --> 01:23:14,121
Settle down!
(SHOUTING)
1884
01:23:14,123 --> 01:23:15,990
Zombies! Zombies!
1885
01:23:15,992 --> 01:23:17,157
Ahh!
1886
01:23:18,560 --> 01:23:20,761
If you get
my hands on me,
I'll kill you.
1887
01:23:22,330 --> 01:23:24,031
NARRATOR:
The world of the blind.
1888
01:23:24,033 --> 01:23:25,666
Ron Burgundy, a man who had
1889
01:23:25,668 --> 01:23:28,302
flourished in a visual medium,
1890
01:23:28,304 --> 01:23:31,538
had forever entered
this realm of darkness.
1891
01:23:31,540 --> 01:23:34,408
♪ Always lonely
1892
01:23:35,143 --> 01:23:37,578
♪ Always looking
1893
01:23:39,347 --> 01:23:43,417
♪ To get even with the men
who did him wrong
1894
01:23:46,187 --> 01:23:48,288
♪ That was Billy ♪
1895
01:23:48,290 --> 01:23:49,790
(BARKING)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
1896
01:23:49,792 --> 01:23:50,691
Who is it?
1897
01:23:53,561 --> 01:23:55,763
Ron, it's us!
1898
01:23:55,765 --> 01:23:57,331
RON: I'm sure you gentlemen
1899
01:23:57,333 --> 01:23:59,533
are famished
from your travels.
1900
01:23:59,535 --> 01:24:03,237
I hope you like Triscuits
and some pimento loaf.
1901
01:24:03,239 --> 01:24:05,105
Still hot off the griddle!
1902
01:24:05,507 --> 01:24:07,441
There we go.
1903
01:24:07,443 --> 01:24:09,276
Well, everyone at the station
really misses you, Ron.
1904
01:24:10,712 --> 01:24:13,680
Jack Lime's been
filling in for you
since you've been gone.
1905
01:24:13,682 --> 01:24:15,516
You know, he's really not
such a bad guy after all.
1906
01:24:15,518 --> 01:24:17,117
Ha-ha.
1907
01:24:17,119 --> 01:24:19,153
He goes by Jack Lame now.
1908
01:24:19,155 --> 01:24:21,121
Well, he shouldn't
be doing that.
1909
01:24:21,123 --> 01:24:22,256
He should be going
by Jack Lame.
1910
01:24:22,657 --> 01:24:23,757
Brick!
1911
01:24:23,759 --> 01:24:25,559
Brick.
1912
01:24:25,561 --> 01:24:27,227
That's checkers and caulk.
Don't eat that.
1913
01:24:28,696 --> 01:24:30,364
What about Linda?
She hasn't called.
1914
01:24:30,366 --> 01:24:31,331
Linda's pretty busy.
1915
01:24:31,333 --> 01:24:34,802
Ron, I'm going
to need your recipe.
1916
01:24:34,804 --> 01:24:36,570
So, Ron, what do you do
with yourself all day?
1917
01:24:36,572 --> 01:24:38,405
You're just out here pretty
much away from everything.
1918
01:24:38,407 --> 01:24:40,707
Well, every day begins
about the same.
1919
01:24:40,709 --> 01:24:43,143
I wake up
screaming in terror
1920
01:24:43,145 --> 01:24:44,678
because of the blackness
and I think I'm dead.
1921
01:24:44,680 --> 01:24:46,113
Every day?
1922
01:24:46,115 --> 01:24:48,215
Yes! Every day!
1923
01:24:48,217 --> 01:24:51,185
And then I begin what's called
The Great Adventure.
1924
01:24:51,187 --> 01:24:53,454
Making breakfast.
1925
01:24:53,456 --> 01:24:56,090
I've eaten everything
from nails to drink coasters.
1926
01:24:56,092 --> 01:24:58,625
One time I bit hard
into a marble ashtray,
1927
01:24:58,627 --> 01:25:00,761
thinking it was
a savory waffle.
1928
01:25:00,763 --> 01:25:05,432
I wanted that waffle so bad!
Completely shattered my teeth.
1929
01:25:05,434 --> 01:25:07,668
Couldn't you tell
the ashtray wasn't
hot like a waffle?
1930
01:25:07,670 --> 01:25:10,471
No! I couldn't!
Because I'm blind!
1931
01:25:10,473 --> 01:25:14,174
I'm not blind
23 hours a day
or 22 hours a day,
1932
01:25:14,176 --> 01:25:17,377
I'm blind the whole
goddamn time!
1933
01:25:17,379 --> 01:25:18,479
Do you have any idea
what it's like
1934
01:25:18,481 --> 01:25:20,681
to drink a half a bottle
of ketchup
1935
01:25:20,683 --> 01:25:24,251
thinking it was a bottle of
1946 Chateauneuf-Du-Pape?
1936
01:25:25,587 --> 01:25:27,488
I even decanted it!
1937
01:25:27,490 --> 01:25:30,491
If you drank half a bottle
of that, that's like...
1938
01:25:30,493 --> 01:25:32,526
That's like
nine or ten gulps.
1939
01:25:32,528 --> 01:25:33,760
I mean, you couldn't tell
that was ketchup?
1940
01:25:33,762 --> 01:25:35,329
Did I stutter?
1941
01:25:35,331 --> 01:25:38,732
I'm ba-lind!
1942
01:25:38,734 --> 01:25:40,734
You're having
a tough time,
Ron, I know.
1943
01:25:40,736 --> 01:25:41,902
You know what
the biggest indignity is?
1944
01:25:42,837 --> 01:25:44,371
I can't even masturbate!
1945
01:25:44,373 --> 01:25:45,806
Why?
1946
01:25:45,808 --> 01:25:48,208
Heck, one morning,
I spent 20 minutes
1947
01:25:48,210 --> 01:25:52,579
aggressively rubbing
my shin, wondering,
"Where's the sensation?
1948
01:25:52,581 --> 01:25:53,814
"Where's the pleasure coming?"
1949
01:25:53,816 --> 01:25:56,350
You rubbed your shin
thinking it was a penis?
1950
01:25:56,352 --> 01:25:57,518
I know you think
I'm stupid, don't you?
1951
01:25:57,520 --> 01:25:59,419
No!
RON: The weirdo
1952
01:25:59,421 --> 01:26:00,787
who lives
in the weird lighthouse
1953
01:26:00,789 --> 01:26:02,556
in the middle of nowhere.
1954
01:26:02,558 --> 01:26:04,691
Ron, it was your choice to
live in a "weird lighthouse."
1955
01:26:04,693 --> 01:26:06,426
RON: You know why
I live here?
1956
01:26:06,428 --> 01:26:10,531
Let me say it
real slow and real loud.
1957
01:26:10,533 --> 01:26:12,566
I'm
1958
01:26:12,568 --> 01:26:15,435
bl-i-i-i-i-nd!
1959
01:26:16,471 --> 01:26:17,938
I guess we should
get out of here.
1960
01:26:17,940 --> 01:26:19,606
Maybe you should go. Yes.
1961
01:26:19,608 --> 01:26:22,242
Why don't you guys
get out of here!
1962
01:26:22,244 --> 01:26:24,711
Despite my complete
and utter isolation,
1963
01:26:24,713 --> 01:26:27,447
your gentlemen's visit
has actually made it worse!
1964
01:26:35,190 --> 01:26:36,456
Goodbye, Ron.
1965
01:26:40,828 --> 01:26:42,663
No, don't go!
(DOOR CLOSES)
1966
01:26:42,665 --> 01:26:46,400
Please! Wait!
I'm all alone! Come back!
1967
01:26:51,506 --> 01:26:53,807
Wait! Come back!
1968
01:26:54,842 --> 01:26:56,510
Come back!
1969
01:26:57,312 --> 01:26:59,313
(SOBBING)
1970
01:26:59,814 --> 01:27:01,481
I'm alone!
1971
01:27:02,550 --> 01:27:07,354
Why have you
done this to me,
God? Why?
1972
01:27:07,356 --> 01:27:10,891
Couldn't you have cured a sick
child or created a new animal?
1973
01:27:10,893 --> 01:27:14,561
But, no, you had to
make Ron Burgundy blind!
1974
01:27:14,563 --> 01:27:15,996
(SOBBING)
1975
01:27:15,998 --> 01:27:17,664
VERONICA: Well, I never
thought that I would see
1976
01:27:17,666 --> 01:27:21,235
the Ron Burgundy full
of so much self-pity.
1977
01:27:21,237 --> 01:27:23,870
Who is it? What is that noise?
1978
01:27:23,872 --> 01:27:24,771
Take my hand.
1979
01:27:25,640 --> 01:27:27,374
I can't see it!
1980
01:27:27,376 --> 01:27:29,309
Reach for it, Ron!
1981
01:27:29,311 --> 01:27:31,445
You have to learn
to do for yourself now.
1982
01:27:32,413 --> 01:27:34,014
All right. This...
Okay. Here we go.
1983
01:27:34,016 --> 01:27:35,249
Get up. There we go.
1984
01:27:37,919 --> 01:27:39,686
Cher, is that you?
1985
01:27:39,688 --> 01:27:41,021
You can't recognize me
by my voice?
1986
01:27:41,889 --> 01:27:43,323
Jan-Michael Vincent?
1987
01:27:43,758 --> 01:27:45,659
Really?
1988
01:27:45,661 --> 01:27:48,462
Every news station
is copying what
you did, Ron.
1989
01:27:48,464 --> 01:27:53,634
All the stories
are about animals,
or car chases or strip clubs.
1990
01:27:53,636 --> 01:27:56,570
The genie has been
let out of the bottle,
1991
01:27:56,572 --> 01:27:58,739
and old Ron Burgundy
popped the cork.
1992
01:27:58,741 --> 01:28:01,341
That's why
I quit WBC News.
1993
01:28:01,343 --> 01:28:03,777
What?
There's no real news
being reported out there.
1994
01:28:03,779 --> 01:28:04,745
It's just
all about ratings.
1995
01:28:05,280 --> 01:28:06,446
Veronica.
1996
01:28:07,048 --> 01:28:08,649
Why are you here?
1997
01:28:08,651 --> 01:28:09,983
I'm here
for our son, Ron.
1998
01:28:10,585 --> 01:28:12,319
Walter needs you.
1999
01:28:12,321 --> 01:28:14,354
I need you to start
taking responsibility
2000
01:28:14,356 --> 01:28:16,323
for him and for yourself.
2001
01:28:16,325 --> 01:28:18,458
Do you realize
you're talking to a man
2002
01:28:18,460 --> 01:28:20,460
who just this morning
tried to brush his teeth
2003
01:28:20,462 --> 01:28:21,561
with a live lobster?
2004
01:28:21,863 --> 01:28:22,963
What?
2005
01:28:24,766 --> 01:28:26,933
You would've
known the second
that you touched it...
2006
01:28:26,935 --> 01:28:29,803
I'm just saying it's not
going to be a cakewalk.
2007
01:28:29,805 --> 01:28:31,838
Well, then we best get to it.
2008
01:28:32,473 --> 01:28:33,540
Now, drink your tea.
2009
01:28:34,509 --> 01:28:35,976
Oh!
(CUP SHATTERS)
2010
01:28:38,413 --> 01:28:39,680
Let me get a sponge.
I'll get it.
2011
01:28:39,682 --> 01:28:41,815
All right.
No, no, just stay there.
2012
01:28:41,817 --> 01:28:43,550
I'll have it
cleaned up in a jiffy.
2013
01:28:54,429 --> 01:28:55,829
Let's try this again.
2014
01:28:55,831 --> 01:28:57,597
Did you throw it?
Yes, I threw it.
2015
01:28:57,599 --> 01:28:58,865
Just remember the curves.
2016
01:28:59,367 --> 01:29:00,567
The curves.
2017
01:29:00,569 --> 01:29:02,869
The green eyes.
Green eyes.
2018
01:29:02,871 --> 01:29:04,471
You have to use
your other senses now!
2019
01:29:04,839 --> 01:29:06,473
I can't do it!
2020
01:29:07,942 --> 01:29:10,744
(BAXTER BARKING)
Baxter found something
on the beach!
2021
01:29:11,412 --> 01:29:12,946
Ron, be careful!
2022
01:29:12,948 --> 01:29:15,482
(BARKING)
RON: It's okay!
2023
01:29:15,484 --> 01:29:18,819
Walter, what is it?
It's some kind of fish!
2024
01:29:19,954 --> 01:29:21,822
Oh, my goodness!
2025
01:29:21,824 --> 01:29:23,623
If he stays tangled
in this net,
2026
01:29:23,625 --> 01:29:25,459
he's not
going to survive.
2027
01:29:25,461 --> 01:29:26,893
Walter, sweetheart,
it's a shark.
2028
01:29:27,362 --> 01:29:29,429
Son,
2029
01:29:29,431 --> 01:29:31,965
don't you worry,
we won't let
this fellow die.
2030
01:29:31,967 --> 01:29:33,633
We'll do it together, Dad.
2031
01:29:38,840 --> 01:29:40,907
RON: That should keep him in
there until he's strong enough
2032
01:29:40,909 --> 01:29:42,376
to swim out to the deep ocean.
2033
01:29:42,810 --> 01:29:43,977
Can I name him?
2034
01:29:43,979 --> 01:29:45,879
Of course you can, son.
2035
01:29:45,881 --> 01:29:49,015
What about Crackers?
2036
01:29:49,017 --> 01:29:51,885
Give me a goddamned break.
2037
01:29:51,887 --> 01:29:55,055
Seriously, you've got
one of the most vicious
predators in the ocean,
2038
01:29:55,057 --> 01:29:57,090
you're gonna name
him "Crackers"?
2039
01:29:57,092 --> 01:30:02,062
In the future when you say
I can name something,
don't be a dick about it.
2040
01:30:02,064 --> 01:30:05,432
Why don't we do this?
Let's name him Doby.
2041
01:30:05,434 --> 01:30:09,102
You talk all that smack
and that's the best name
you come up with?
2042
01:30:09,104 --> 01:30:11,671
Well, we're not gonna get
any better than that.
2043
01:30:11,673 --> 01:30:16,143
I mean, you obviously
can't name him
anything that sounds good.
2044
01:30:16,145 --> 01:30:20,414
How about we forget about
this whole name thing
and you go straight to hell?
2045
01:30:20,416 --> 01:30:22,482
Well, I don't know what to do.
2046
01:30:22,484 --> 01:30:25,852
We might as well
poison the water
and let him die.
2047
01:30:25,854 --> 01:30:28,522
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's just go with Doby.
2048
01:30:28,524 --> 01:30:31,057
Fine, then it's settled.
It's Doby.
2049
01:30:31,059 --> 01:30:35,028
We'll call him Doby
even though no one likes it.
2050
01:30:35,030 --> 01:30:37,097
All right, I can
live with that.
2051
01:30:37,099 --> 01:30:39,132
(BARKING)
(RON LAUGHS)
2052
01:30:39,134 --> 01:30:42,035
Don't worry, Baxter.
We won't feed him
your dog food.
2053
01:30:42,637 --> 01:30:44,004
(BOTH LAUGHING)
2054
01:30:47,909 --> 01:30:50,677
NARRATOR: Even though Ron
Burgundy had lost his sight,
2055
01:30:50,679 --> 01:30:52,612
he had never seen so clearly.
2056
01:30:52,614 --> 01:30:54,748
(GASPS) You did it!
2057
01:30:54,750 --> 01:30:58,718
NARRATOR: And with every inch
Doby grew, so did Ron's heart.
2058
01:31:10,164 --> 01:31:12,566
It's just a bunch
of crazy lines, isn't it?
2059
01:31:12,568 --> 01:31:15,168
No. It's beautiful.
2060
01:31:16,704 --> 01:31:18,171
It's beautiful.
2061
01:31:32,954 --> 01:31:34,855
What about Gary?
2062
01:31:34,857 --> 01:31:37,023
We split up two weeks ago.
2063
01:31:37,025 --> 01:31:40,594
He was too
emotionally stable.
It was so annoying!
2064
01:31:40,596 --> 01:31:43,797
NARRATOR: And so, just like
the passing of the seasons,
2065
01:31:43,799 --> 01:31:45,999
it came time for Doby
to return
2066
01:31:46,001 --> 01:31:48,201
to the deep waters
he was meant to call home.
2067
01:31:48,203 --> 01:31:50,504
I hear his tail splashing!
2068
01:31:50,506 --> 01:31:52,639
He's actually swimming away!
2069
01:31:52,641 --> 01:31:54,774
Is he looking back for us
over his shoulder?
2070
01:31:54,776 --> 01:31:56,276
Sharks don't
have shoulders, Ron.
2071
01:31:56,278 --> 01:31:58,078
No, he just swam away,
2072
01:31:58,080 --> 01:32:00,046
and he's instantly looking
for fish to eat.
2073
01:32:00,815 --> 01:32:02,883
He was my best friend.
2074
01:32:04,018 --> 01:32:05,986
♪ You
2075
01:32:05,988 --> 01:32:07,921
♪ Swam with strength
2076
01:32:09,824 --> 01:32:11,124
♪ You
2077
01:32:11,859 --> 01:32:14,561
♪ Loved with grace
2078
01:32:15,897 --> 01:32:19,065
♪ You touched us all
2079
01:32:19,867 --> 01:32:22,736
♪ With your expressionless
2080
01:32:22,738 --> 01:32:24,738
♪ Face
2081
01:32:27,074 --> 01:32:29,809
♪ Doby, oh, Doby
2082
01:32:29,811 --> 01:32:33,747
♪ May you find many treasures
2083
01:32:33,749 --> 01:32:37,651
♪ Both emotional and monetary
2084
01:32:39,287 --> 01:32:42,656
♪ You were wise and loving
2085
01:32:42,658 --> 01:32:45,625
♪ and never contrary
2086
01:32:45,960 --> 01:32:47,694
♪ Doby
2087
01:32:48,062 --> 01:32:50,230
♪ Oh, Doby
2088
01:32:51,032 --> 01:32:53,266
♪ I'll never forget thee
2089
01:32:57,672 --> 01:32:59,039
CHORUS:
♪ Doby
2090
01:32:59,340 --> 01:33:02,275
♪ Oh, Doby
2091
01:33:02,277 --> 01:33:04,811
♪ I'll never forget thee ♪
2092
01:33:09,650 --> 01:33:11,785
Promise you'll always
be there for me, Dad?
2093
01:33:11,787 --> 01:33:13,787
I promise.
2094
01:33:13,789 --> 01:33:15,855
If I say I'll be
there for you,
2095
01:33:15,857 --> 01:33:18,124
there's nothing on God's earth
that will stop me.
2096
01:33:18,126 --> 01:33:20,026
I love you, Dad.
2097
01:33:20,028 --> 01:33:22,162
Let's get back up to
the lighthouse, all right?
2098
01:33:22,164 --> 01:33:23,630
Come on.
Okay.
2099
01:33:24,231 --> 01:33:25,265
Let's go.
2100
01:33:26,834 --> 01:33:30,370
I hope you eat lots of fish
and people, Doby.
2101
01:33:36,310 --> 01:33:37,978
Oh, there you are.
2102
01:33:37,980 --> 01:33:41,281
I found the most beautiful
clams down by the estuary.
2103
01:33:41,283 --> 01:33:43,183
I thought we could steam
them up tonight
2104
01:33:43,185 --> 01:33:45,118
with a nice butter sauce
2105
01:33:45,720 --> 01:33:47,621
and some wine.
2106
01:33:47,623 --> 01:33:48,321
(SIGHS)
2107
01:33:48,856 --> 01:33:49,823
Veronica.
2108
01:33:50,157 --> 01:33:51,725
Yes, Ron?
2109
01:33:52,393 --> 01:33:53,893
Can you explain this?
2110
01:33:55,831 --> 01:34:00,667
Ron, this is Dr. Brangley.
I've left dozens of messages.
2111
01:34:00,669 --> 01:34:02,168
Somehow, they must be
getting erased.
2112
01:34:02,170 --> 01:34:04,204
But there is a procedure
2113
01:34:04,206 --> 01:34:07,107
that can possibly
return your sight.
2114
01:34:07,109 --> 01:34:09,876
Please get back to me
if you're interested.
(BEEPS)
2115
01:34:09,878 --> 01:34:13,213
Well? Have you been
erasing these messages?
2116
01:34:13,215 --> 01:34:15,815
Yes. Ron,
just let me explain.
2117
01:34:15,817 --> 01:34:17,350
How could you?
2118
01:34:17,352 --> 01:34:20,053
We've never
been this happy and
I just thought that...
2119
01:34:20,055 --> 01:34:22,088
Thought that
if I could see again,
2120
01:34:22,090 --> 01:34:24,124
that somehow I couldn't
love you and Walter anymore?
2121
01:34:24,126 --> 01:34:25,925
Yes!
(GROWLS)
2122
01:34:25,927 --> 01:34:27,894
Damn you, woman!
(YELLING)
2123
01:34:27,896 --> 01:34:29,796
(SCREAMS)
You lied to me!
2124
01:34:30,831 --> 01:34:32,699
I gave you everything!
2125
01:34:32,701 --> 01:34:34,134
I gave you my heart,
2126
01:34:34,735 --> 01:34:36,236
my smile,
2127
01:34:36,704 --> 01:34:38,138
my seed.
2128
01:34:38,873 --> 01:34:40,240
And you lied to me.
2129
01:34:40,242 --> 01:34:41,374
WALTER: Dad!
Sweetheart.
2130
01:34:41,376 --> 01:34:43,243
No! Dad!
2131
01:34:43,245 --> 01:34:44,911
Don't leave, Dad!
2132
01:34:45,746 --> 01:34:47,981
Dad!
Walter, just...
2133
01:34:47,983 --> 01:34:49,849
Sweetheart,
we have to let him go.
(CAR ENGINE STARTS)
2134
01:34:49,851 --> 01:34:51,851
He needs to go free.
2135
01:34:52,386 --> 01:34:54,754
Just like Doby.
2136
01:34:54,756 --> 01:34:56,823
He'll be back.
He promised.
2137
01:34:56,825 --> 01:34:58,825
(CAR CRASHING)
2138
01:34:58,827 --> 01:35:01,828
RON: Could you please
call me a damn cab? I'm blind!
2139
01:35:01,830 --> 01:35:02,729
Of course!
2140
01:35:02,731 --> 01:35:07,434
BRANGLEY: Ron,
the operation was a success.
2141
01:35:07,436 --> 01:35:10,236
But we won't know for sure
until we remove the bandages.
2142
01:35:16,210 --> 01:35:17,444
Well?
2143
01:35:17,945 --> 01:35:18,978
Yes.
2144
01:35:19,780 --> 01:35:21,247
I can see.
2145
01:35:22,416 --> 01:35:25,452
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
2146
01:35:25,454 --> 01:35:28,922
Oh, God, oh, God.
It's Ron Burgundy, everyone!
2147
01:35:28,924 --> 01:35:30,724
You are my inspiration.
2148
01:35:30,726 --> 01:35:32,125
Oh, well, thank you.
2149
01:35:33,494 --> 01:35:34,961
Welcome back, Ron.
2150
01:35:34,963 --> 01:35:36,229
Thanks. Thanks, Bri-man.
2151
01:35:37,031 --> 01:35:38,098
Good luck in Vietnam.
2152
01:35:38,933 --> 01:35:40,734
Brick.
2153
01:35:40,736 --> 01:35:42,068
Brick and I
are having a baby!
2154
01:35:42,070 --> 01:35:43,503
We're gonna name him
Tortilla Jackson.
2155
01:35:43,505 --> 01:35:45,438
All right.
I'm 22 months pregnant.
2156
01:35:45,440 --> 01:35:46,773
KENCH: Well,
get over here, you bastard.
2157
01:35:46,775 --> 01:35:48,508
Got you a drink,
Ron. Come on.
2158
01:35:48,510 --> 01:35:52,178
Uh, hold on to that drink.
I just want to grab some air.
2159
01:35:55,516 --> 01:35:56,750
(SIGHS)
2160
01:35:57,318 --> 01:35:59,252
(DOOR OPENING)
(EXHALES)
2161
01:36:04,358 --> 01:36:05,792
How you doing there?
2162
01:36:06,794 --> 01:36:08,261
Oh.
2163
01:36:08,263 --> 01:36:10,530
I'm fine. Just, uh...
(CHUCKLES)
2164
01:36:11,899 --> 01:36:14,033
Just a lot
of people in there.
2165
01:36:14,035 --> 01:36:17,804
Listen, Ron,
I'm sorry that I
never called or visited.
2166
01:36:17,806 --> 01:36:20,073
There's no need to explain.
2167
01:36:20,075 --> 01:36:21,207
But, listen, I mean,
you're back.
2168
01:36:21,209 --> 01:36:22,041
VERONICA: Hello, Ron.
2169
01:36:23,544 --> 01:36:25,345
What are you doing here?
2170
01:36:25,347 --> 01:36:28,348
I had to come tell you
something very important.
2171
01:36:30,217 --> 01:36:31,818
You must be Linda Jackson.
2172
01:36:31,820 --> 01:36:33,353
You must be Veronica.
2173
01:36:33,355 --> 01:36:35,121
Yes, I am.
It's a pleasure.
2174
01:36:35,123 --> 01:36:36,923
This is
a touching moment for me.
2175
01:36:36,925 --> 01:36:38,958
Please, don't take this
the wrong way,
2176
01:36:38,960 --> 01:36:41,361
but if you
touch Ron again,
2177
01:36:41,363 --> 01:36:44,030
I will shoot you
in the cooch
with a B.B. gun.
2178
01:36:44,032 --> 01:36:46,566
Oh! Well, you can
talk big all you want,
2179
01:36:46,568 --> 01:36:49,202
but guess what,
this kitten's
got claws, bitch.
2180
01:36:49,204 --> 01:36:51,104
(RON CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Don't mess with me, Linda,
2181
01:36:51,106 --> 01:36:54,107
because this
"White Thunder" rolls deep
and it rolls nasty.
2182
01:36:54,109 --> 01:36:55,909
I was feeling
a little bit down,
2183
01:36:55,911 --> 01:36:58,144
but this is definitely
picking up my mood.
2184
01:36:58,146 --> 01:37:00,480
Well, I guess I'll
leave you two alone.
2185
01:37:00,482 --> 01:37:03,249
And it's been
an absolute pleasure,
Ms. Corningstone.
2186
01:37:03,251 --> 01:37:04,484
This has been great.
2187
01:37:04,486 --> 01:37:06,219
Do you guys want
to kiss real quick?
2188
01:37:06,221 --> 01:37:08,388
Ron. Read the room.
2189
01:37:08,390 --> 01:37:09,489
I'll take that as a no.
2190
01:37:10,391 --> 01:37:13,126
Bye, Linda.
2191
01:37:13,128 --> 01:37:15,562
I know why you haven't
been returning my messages.
2192
01:37:15,564 --> 01:37:19,599
I wasn't calling for me,
I was calling because Walter
has a piano recital
2193
01:37:19,601 --> 01:37:22,402
in half an hour
at the Tishman School
on 65th Street.
2194
01:37:22,404 --> 01:37:24,437
And he wrote
a piece for you, Ron.
2195
01:37:24,972 --> 01:37:27,207
Aw, Walter.
2196
01:37:27,209 --> 01:37:30,310
It would mean
the absolute world
to him to have you there.
2197
01:37:30,312 --> 01:37:32,946
Ron, I just got a call
from the control room!
Oh, big fan.
2198
01:37:34,215 --> 01:37:37,483
Actress Sheila Blackledge,
the mom from the hit sitcom
2199
01:37:37,485 --> 01:37:39,853
Four's a Family,
Five's a Crowd,
2200
01:37:39,855 --> 01:37:42,322
she just found out
her husband cheated on her
2201
01:37:42,324 --> 01:37:45,024
and she severed his penis
while he slept!
2202
01:37:45,026 --> 01:37:46,459
Oh, my goodness.
2203
01:37:46,461 --> 01:37:50,230
The police arrived.
She fled in her
white Bronco,
2204
01:37:50,232 --> 01:37:53,633
and now they're engaged
in a high-speed car chase!
2205
01:37:53,635 --> 01:37:55,969
We've got an exclusive
on the live feed,
2206
01:37:55,971 --> 01:37:57,937
but we've got to go,
right now!
2207
01:37:57,939 --> 01:38:01,374
Ron, this can be
your comeback.
2208
01:38:01,376 --> 01:38:03,610
Veronica, I...
No, Ron. No.
2209
01:38:04,645 --> 01:38:07,247
That will get
sky-high ratings.
2210
01:38:07,249 --> 01:38:10,116
Walter will understand.
Walter will understand.
2211
01:38:10,284 --> 01:38:11,351
Go.
2212
01:38:12,453 --> 01:38:14,120
FREDDIE: Come on, Ron.
Priorities!
2213
01:38:14,122 --> 01:38:15,655
RON: Veronica!
Come on!
2214
01:38:18,325 --> 01:38:21,327
LINDA: Can you hear me?
Yes, yes, you're coming in
loud and clear.
2215
01:38:21,329 --> 01:38:22,929
You're back
and you get this story.
2216
01:38:22,931 --> 01:38:24,964
This is gonna be huge.
Right.
2217
01:38:24,966 --> 01:38:26,499
So, is it good
to be back home?
2218
01:38:26,501 --> 01:38:28,468
Um, yeah, I feel good.
2219
01:38:28,470 --> 01:38:30,603
God, look at him.
Like a beacon in the night!
(LAUGHING)
2220
01:38:31,138 --> 01:38:32,572
My golden goose.
2221
01:38:32,574 --> 01:38:34,374
LINDA: All right, baby.
2222
01:38:34,376 --> 01:38:35,408
So I'm just gonna be
giving you the details.
RON: Mmm-hmm.
2223
01:38:35,410 --> 01:38:37,210
Five, four,
2224
01:38:37,212 --> 01:38:40,079
three, two...
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
2225
01:38:40,081 --> 01:38:43,516
Good evening, America.
After some time off,
2226
01:38:43,518 --> 01:38:47,186
it's good to be back with you.
I'm Ron Burgundy.
2227
01:38:47,188 --> 01:38:50,490
We have a story tonight
involving an affair,
2228
01:38:50,492 --> 01:38:54,994
a cut-off penis,
a TV star and a car chase.
2229
01:38:54,996 --> 01:38:55,995
And throw it to the feed.
2230
01:38:58,332 --> 01:38:59,499
The only problem is...
2231
01:39:01,435 --> 01:39:03,036
What's he doing?
Ron, are you okay?
2232
01:39:04,004 --> 01:39:05,371
It's not news.
What?
2233
01:39:05,373 --> 01:39:09,342
Ron, this is Kench.
What the hell do you think
you're doing, mate?
2234
01:39:09,344 --> 01:39:10,944
Just read what's
in front of you,
2235
01:39:10,946 --> 01:39:13,313
or I will ruin you! Don't!
2236
01:39:13,315 --> 01:39:15,014
Don't! You leave
Kench inside your head!
2237
01:39:16,317 --> 01:39:19,252
God damn it!
He took out
his earpiece.
2238
01:39:19,254 --> 01:39:21,321
You see, folks,
I've read a lot of
news in my day,
2239
01:39:22,990 --> 01:39:26,259
but it's...
It's taken me until now
2240
01:39:27,328 --> 01:39:30,330
to realize what real news is.
2241
01:39:30,332 --> 01:39:33,299
Real news is supposed
to let people know
2242
01:39:33,301 --> 01:39:37,537
what the powerful are up to,
so that, that power
doesn't become corrupt.
2243
01:39:37,539 --> 01:39:39,539
But what happens when
the powerful own the news?
2244
01:39:39,541 --> 01:39:42,141
Ugh! You piece of shit!
2245
01:39:42,143 --> 01:39:44,510
Shit. He's blowing
the whole thing up.
2246
01:39:44,512 --> 01:39:47,513
Recently, I've been
on a bit of
a personal journey.
2247
01:39:47,515 --> 01:39:51,184
I made love to a proud,
intelligent black woman.
2248
01:39:52,519 --> 01:39:55,054
I became blind.
2249
01:39:55,056 --> 01:39:57,657
I bottle-fed
and raised a shark.
2250
01:39:57,659 --> 01:40:01,060
And I smoked
a fair amount of crack.
2251
01:40:01,062 --> 01:40:02,462
But the most important thing
I've learned is that
2252
01:40:03,263 --> 01:40:06,232
there was an emptiness left
2253
01:40:06,234 --> 01:40:09,202
after turning my back on
three of the best friends
anyone could ever ask for.
2254
01:40:09,603 --> 01:40:11,170
Hi, Ron!
2255
01:40:11,172 --> 01:40:13,206
So, if you'll excuse me,
2256
01:40:13,208 --> 01:40:15,575
I'm going to see
my child's recital
2257
01:40:15,577 --> 01:40:19,078
and tell the woman I love
that I still love her.
2258
01:40:20,547 --> 01:40:23,316
Good night, America,
and never forget,
2259
01:40:24,318 --> 01:40:25,485
you deserve the truth.
2260
01:40:30,024 --> 01:40:32,125
Good. He's dead, done. Linda,
2261
01:40:32,127 --> 01:40:33,559
get the skirt in,
the blonde. Anyone!
2262
01:40:33,561 --> 01:40:35,361
He's coming back!
2263
01:40:35,363 --> 01:40:37,430
Oh, also, one other thing.
2264
01:40:37,432 --> 01:40:40,533
Koala Airlines
is a really shitty airline.
2265
01:40:40,535 --> 01:40:43,202
You son of a bitch!
You son of a bitch!
2266
01:40:47,641 --> 01:40:49,575
Guys, I'm sorry.
2267
01:40:49,577 --> 01:40:52,812
For a while there,
I don't know what
became of Ron Burgundy.
2268
01:40:52,814 --> 01:40:55,081
Brick, I'm sorry
I yelled at you.
2269
01:40:56,050 --> 01:40:57,550
Brian, I...
2270
01:40:57,552 --> 01:40:59,719
No reason why I killed
that story of yours.
2271
01:40:59,721 --> 01:41:01,721
It was excellent reporting.
2272
01:41:01,723 --> 01:41:05,158
And, Champ, I'm sorry
I said no to all those
2273
01:41:05,160 --> 01:41:08,494
offers for late-night
deep-tissue rubdowns.
2274
01:41:10,397 --> 01:41:12,532
BRICK: Ron,
you're a good man.
2275
01:41:12,534 --> 01:41:15,735
But you have fallen victim
to your own ego
and your own hubris.
2276
01:41:15,737 --> 01:41:17,804
And before others
can forgive you,
2277
01:41:17,806 --> 01:41:19,072
you must learn
to forgive yourself.
2278
01:41:22,643 --> 01:41:24,444
What was that, Brick?
2279
01:41:24,446 --> 01:41:25,645
I'm wearing
two pairs of pants.
2280
01:41:27,381 --> 01:41:28,648
Thank you.
2281
01:41:28,650 --> 01:41:30,516
So that's it, huh?
2282
01:41:30,518 --> 01:41:32,819
You're sorry?
2283
01:41:32,821 --> 01:41:35,822
You know what, Burgundy?
Apologies are like assholes.
2284
01:41:35,824 --> 01:41:37,723
Everyone's got one
2285
01:41:37,725 --> 01:41:40,126
and everyone's got
a shoebox full of Polaroids
of them under the bed.
2286
01:41:41,295 --> 01:41:42,829
CHAMP: Ron, we're a team.
2287
01:41:42,831 --> 01:41:44,330
We need you.
2288
01:41:44,332 --> 01:41:45,631
Let him go, Champ.
2289
01:41:46,266 --> 01:41:48,734
(SOBBING)
2290
01:41:51,138 --> 01:41:52,238
Ron!
2291
01:41:53,207 --> 01:41:55,808
Long live Ron Burgundy!
2292
01:42:04,651 --> 01:42:07,120
I'm Brick Tamland
for GNN News.
2293
01:42:08,355 --> 01:42:11,791
The itsy bitsy spider
went up the water spout.
2294
01:42:11,793 --> 01:42:14,360
You little hack!
2295
01:42:14,362 --> 01:42:15,728
Huh? Who the hell
do you think you are?
2296
01:42:15,730 --> 01:42:17,430
After everything
I've done for you,
2297
01:42:17,432 --> 01:42:19,365
this is how you repay me?
Well, I will crush you!
2298
01:42:19,367 --> 01:42:20,633
(GRUNTS)
2299
01:42:22,302 --> 01:42:24,203
Once again, Mr. Burgundy,
2300
01:42:24,205 --> 01:42:26,472
you are the ballsiest
white man I've ever known.
2301
01:42:26,474 --> 01:42:27,840
What the hell?
2302
01:42:29,143 --> 01:42:30,810
One more
for old times' sake.
2303
01:42:37,284 --> 01:42:38,484
Thank you.
2304
01:42:38,486 --> 01:42:40,720
Is Dad going to come?
2305
01:42:40,722 --> 01:42:42,655
No, sweetheart,
Daddy has to work.
2306
01:42:42,657 --> 01:42:44,790
He's going to come.
I know it.
2307
01:42:44,792 --> 01:42:45,892
Taxi!
2308
01:42:46,793 --> 01:42:48,861
Taxi! Taxi!
2309
01:42:48,863 --> 01:42:50,630
Damn it!
2310
01:42:50,632 --> 01:42:52,298
It's so hard
for a proud Mexican
2311
01:42:52,300 --> 01:42:53,633
to get a taxi
in this city!
2312
01:42:54,468 --> 01:42:56,702
I need to see my son!
2313
01:42:56,704 --> 01:43:00,740
And now, to play
an original composition
that he wrote for his father,
2314
01:43:00,742 --> 01:43:03,776
here is seven-year-old
Walter Burgundy.
2315
01:43:03,778 --> 01:43:05,311
(APPLAUSE)
2316
01:43:12,553 --> 01:43:14,453
I made a promise!
I made a promise to my son!
2317
01:43:18,358 --> 01:43:19,258
What the hell?
2318
01:43:19,826 --> 01:43:21,360
Well, hello, Ron.
2319
01:43:21,895 --> 01:43:23,362
You out for a jog?
2320
01:43:23,364 --> 01:43:24,530
Jack Lime!
2321
01:43:25,899 --> 01:43:27,600
Where's everyone going?
2322
01:43:27,602 --> 01:43:29,435
Please. I don't have
time to talk, okay?
2323
01:43:29,437 --> 01:43:30,870
I have to be somewhere.
2324
01:43:30,872 --> 01:43:32,338
Well, that's funny.
'Cause I got nowhere to be
2325
01:43:33,507 --> 01:43:35,274
because you pretty much
destroyed my career.
2326
01:43:36,310 --> 01:43:37,810
Do you realize
what it did to me,
2327
01:43:37,812 --> 01:43:39,478
by making me
call myself Jack Lame?
2328
01:43:40,681 --> 01:43:42,415
It was a living hell!
2329
01:43:42,783 --> 01:43:44,350
(PANTING)
2330
01:43:45,552 --> 01:43:48,654
I'm telling you,
you have to let me go!
2331
01:43:48,656 --> 01:43:50,223
Oh, don't worry.
Four against one.
2332
01:43:50,924 --> 01:43:52,258
This will be over fast.
2333
01:43:53,327 --> 01:43:54,727
Maybe not so fast!
2334
01:43:58,565 --> 01:44:00,499
My news team. Thank God!
2335
01:44:02,669 --> 01:44:04,737
Ain't a day that will be
or has been
2336
01:44:04,739 --> 01:44:07,607
that we don't have
Ron Burgundy's back.
2337
01:44:07,609 --> 01:44:09,442
Not a problem.
When I'm done
with these mutts,
2338
01:44:09,444 --> 01:44:10,843
I'm gonna wipe my shoes
on the curb.
2339
01:44:10,845 --> 01:44:12,378
Oh, yeah, Jack Lime?
2340
01:44:12,846 --> 01:44:14,847
When I'm done with you,
2341
01:44:14,849 --> 01:44:17,650
my mom's going to
pick me up
and take me home.
2342
01:44:17,652 --> 01:44:17,917
BBC NEWS ANCHOR: Wait!
2343
01:44:22,456 --> 01:44:24,323
Here's a headline for you.
2344
01:44:24,325 --> 01:44:26,993
"Moronic Yank Wankerman
2345
01:44:26,995 --> 01:44:30,529
"Gets a Bloody Good Hiding
From News Reader
2346
01:44:30,531 --> 01:44:32,898
"From a Superior Country."
2347
01:44:32,900 --> 01:44:36,502
For we are
the BBC News Service.
2348
01:44:36,504 --> 01:44:37,770
(ALL YELLING)
2349
01:44:38,372 --> 01:44:39,972
No. Not now.
2350
01:44:39,974 --> 01:44:41,707
Fall back, fall back.
2351
01:44:45,479 --> 01:44:46,846
If y'all are
gonna get down,
2352
01:44:46,848 --> 01:44:49,482
then Wesley Jackson and
the MTV News crew want in.
2353
01:44:49,484 --> 01:44:50,816
What's MTV?
2354
01:44:51,852 --> 01:44:53,686
I think
it's a venereal disease.
2355
01:44:53,688 --> 01:44:55,721
The most requested
video of the day?
2356
01:44:55,723 --> 01:44:58,557
A new band called Burgundy's
Sucking Chest Wound.
2357
01:44:58,559 --> 01:45:00,426
(ALL YELLING)
2358
01:45:04,965 --> 01:45:06,899
It wouldn't be a battle
without Jill Janson.
2359
01:45:06,901 --> 01:45:09,468
And Wendy Van Peele
from Entertainment News.
2360
01:45:09,470 --> 01:45:11,971
Entertainment news
is an abomination!
2361
01:45:11,973 --> 01:45:14,740
Who are you wearing today?
Oh, look, it's your own blood!
2362
01:45:14,742 --> 01:45:16,509
Today's celebrity birthdays...
None.
2363
01:45:16,511 --> 01:45:17,743
Today's celebrity deaths...
2364
01:45:17,745 --> 01:45:19,011
All you dick-licks.
2365
01:45:21,782 --> 01:45:23,416
I like the way
they're put together.
2366
01:45:23,418 --> 01:45:25,017
I like fighting girls.
2367
01:45:25,019 --> 01:45:26,852
I like to
cunt punt cowboys.
2368
01:45:26,854 --> 01:45:28,621
You eat pussy?
You're gonna.
2369
01:45:28,623 --> 01:45:31,090
Hey!
2370
01:45:31,092 --> 01:45:34,593
There's not gonna
be any fight
without Scott Riles
2371
01:45:34,595 --> 01:45:36,796
and the incredibly polite
Canadian News team.
2372
01:45:36,798 --> 01:45:38,698
(ALL YELLING)
2373
01:45:38,700 --> 01:45:41,067
What about
the French-speaking
Quebec News?
2374
01:45:41,069 --> 01:45:42,735
The real voice of Canada!
2375
01:45:42,737 --> 01:45:43,969
Give it a rest, eh?
2376
01:45:43,971 --> 01:45:46,605
Give me a break!
They can't have news.
2377
01:45:46,607 --> 01:45:48,074
Nothing happens
in Canada!
2378
01:45:48,076 --> 01:45:49,975
We're gonna mop
the floor with you!
2379
01:45:49,977 --> 01:45:52,511
We're gonna put the boots
to you! Sorry.
Sorry.
2380
01:45:52,513 --> 01:45:55,481
We're gonna gouge your eyes
out! And kick your head in!
2381
01:45:55,483 --> 01:45:56,916
BOTH: Sorry!
2382
01:45:56,918 --> 01:45:58,417
I like your ginger ale!
2383
01:46:02,689 --> 01:46:05,091
Jeff Bullington, ESPN,
all sports.
2384
01:46:05,093 --> 01:46:07,693
Tonight's play of the day
is me,
2385
01:46:07,695 --> 01:46:09,762
extracting your spine
from your dead body.
2386
01:46:09,764 --> 01:46:11,897
Holy shit,
there's a lot of news!
2387
01:46:11,899 --> 01:46:14,667
It's true, the market
is becoming saturated.
2388
01:46:14,669 --> 01:46:17,937
Hey. The History Network
wants in on this.
We're news, too.
2389
01:46:17,939 --> 01:46:20,773
Only news told much,
much later.
2390
01:46:20,775 --> 01:46:22,675
(ALL YELLING)
2391
01:46:22,677 --> 01:46:25,745
Wait a minute.
Is that the ghost of
Stonewall Jackson with you?
2392
01:46:25,747 --> 01:46:28,047
Yes, it is.
And the mighty Minotaur.
2393
01:46:28,049 --> 01:46:29,648
(GROWLS)
2394
01:46:29,650 --> 01:46:31,016
I don't know
about this, man.
2395
01:46:31,018 --> 01:46:33,018
The Minotaur
isn't even history!
2396
01:46:33,020 --> 01:46:35,755
He's mythology!
(ROARING)
2397
01:46:35,757 --> 01:46:37,757
Let's not downplay the fact
2398
01:46:37,759 --> 01:46:40,726
that that's the ghost
of Stonewall Jackson!
2399
01:46:40,728 --> 01:46:45,030
(ECHOING)
May the Lord anoint this
hallowed field of battle.
2400
01:46:45,032 --> 01:46:48,167
You guys got room in this
battle for an old war horse?
2401
01:46:48,169 --> 01:46:50,102
Mack Tannen!
What are you doing here?
2402
01:46:50,104 --> 01:46:51,704
You're too old for this.
2403
01:46:51,706 --> 01:46:54,006
Well, you see,
there's the thing.
2404
01:46:54,008 --> 01:46:57,076
When there's an early moon,
2405
01:46:57,078 --> 01:47:00,413
I almost feel
like a stallion again!
2406
01:47:00,415 --> 01:47:01,414
He's on our side,
right, Ron?
2407
01:47:07,154 --> 01:47:09,155
(GROWLING)
2408
01:47:09,823 --> 01:47:10,990
He's a were-hyena!
2409
01:47:13,026 --> 01:47:15,161
I'm-a call Michael Jackson.
I got a video idea.
2410
01:47:15,163 --> 01:47:16,996
All right, everyone,
listen up!
2411
01:47:20,934 --> 01:47:24,103
By virtue of being
on this battlefield,
2412
01:47:24,105 --> 01:47:25,704
there is no return.
2413
01:47:27,073 --> 01:47:28,507
People will die.
2414
01:47:29,042 --> 01:47:30,543
I'm so horny right now.
2415
01:47:30,545 --> 01:47:32,678
RON: Some will be disfigured.
2416
01:47:32,680 --> 01:47:36,549
In some cases, lasting
friendships will be made.
2417
01:47:37,484 --> 01:47:39,118
And as usual,
2418
01:47:39,120 --> 01:47:42,188
no touching
of the hair and face.
2419
01:47:42,190 --> 01:47:44,190
Come on.
What do we
look like, rookies?
2420
01:47:44,192 --> 01:47:45,658
BOTH: Sorry.
2421
01:47:45,660 --> 01:47:47,860
When El Trousias,
2422
01:47:47,862 --> 01:47:51,197
maiden of the clouds,
blows the battle horn,
2423
01:47:51,199 --> 01:47:53,599
let the battle begin!
2424
01:47:53,601 --> 01:47:55,734
I am El Trousias!
2425
01:47:57,804 --> 01:47:59,805
Hear my siren song!
2426
01:48:02,142 --> 01:48:04,477
(PLAYING)
2427
01:48:04,479 --> 01:48:06,078
El Trousias...
The Juicies'. Hmm.
2428
01:48:11,551 --> 01:48:12,685
That means you can start.
2429
01:48:14,488 --> 01:48:16,121
Brick, what the hell is that?
2430
01:48:17,257 --> 01:48:18,924
It's a gun
from the future.
2431
01:48:18,926 --> 01:48:21,060
No fair! He's got
a gun from the future!
2432
01:48:21,062 --> 01:48:24,263
Where did
you get it from?
(LAUGHING)
2433
01:48:26,833 --> 01:48:30,569
(PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC)
2434
01:48:38,144 --> 01:48:41,580
In the name of the King,
the Queen and St. George.
2435
01:48:44,684 --> 01:48:45,918
Huzzah!
2436
01:48:45,920 --> 01:48:47,520
(ALL YELLING)
2437
01:48:47,522 --> 01:48:49,021
(ALL GRUNTING)
2438
01:48:49,023 --> 01:48:50,089
(YELLS)
2439
01:49:18,652 --> 01:49:20,052
Guess you didn't see
that coming.
2440
01:49:20,054 --> 01:49:21,554
Twenty degrees right.
2441
01:49:22,556 --> 01:49:24,089
Fill that gap!
2442
01:49:24,091 --> 01:49:28,327
Fall upon your swords!
Life has no meaning!
(LAUGHS)
2443
01:49:30,864 --> 01:49:33,933
There will be
a mint julep waiting
on the other side, son.
2444
01:49:35,802 --> 01:49:37,336
Release your soul to me.
2445
01:49:42,208 --> 01:49:44,076
(CONTINUES PLAYING
CLASSICAL MUSIC)
2446
01:49:44,911 --> 01:49:46,312
(CANNON FIRING)
2447
01:49:49,215 --> 01:49:50,316
(ROARING)
2448
01:49:55,989 --> 01:49:57,222
Sorry!
2449
01:49:58,124 --> 01:49:59,091
CANADIAN ANCHORS:
Sorry! Sorry!
2450
01:50:00,594 --> 01:50:01,894
BRIAN: Sex Panther
powers activate.
2451
01:50:02,662 --> 01:50:03,896
(GRUNTS)
2452
01:50:04,664 --> 01:50:05,898
(ROARS)
2453
01:50:07,067 --> 01:50:09,668
(ALL COUGHING)
2454
01:50:16,076 --> 01:50:17,376
(LAUGHING)
2455
01:50:17,944 --> 01:50:20,112
(ALL SCREAMING)
2456
01:50:25,652 --> 01:50:27,753
It's the ghost of
Stonewall Jackson!
2457
01:50:27,755 --> 01:50:29,922
Everyone, it's the ghost
of Stonewall Jackson!
2458
01:50:30,724 --> 01:50:33,158
Why do we have to fight?
2459
01:50:33,160 --> 01:50:34,126
There's so much
I could learn from you.
2460
01:50:43,103 --> 01:50:45,671
In the name
of Margaret Thatcher...
2461
01:50:45,673 --> 01:50:47,339
No!
I sentence
you to death!
2462
01:50:47,341 --> 01:50:48,874
RON: Please, no!
2463
01:50:49,776 --> 01:50:50,743
Oh!
2464
01:50:52,912 --> 01:50:54,313
What in the name of Dan Issel?
2465
01:50:56,850 --> 01:50:58,050
Gary!
2466
01:50:58,052 --> 01:50:59,218
Yes, Ron.
2467
01:51:00,920 --> 01:51:03,122
You and I never got along.
2468
01:51:03,124 --> 01:51:04,823
But using the power
of my mind,
2469
01:51:04,825 --> 01:51:06,058
I was able to see
in the future
2470
01:51:06,060 --> 01:51:07,826
that you would do good.
2471
01:51:09,295 --> 01:51:10,829
Now, go.
RON: I knew it!
2472
01:51:10,831 --> 01:51:12,331
Go to your son's recital.
2473
01:51:12,333 --> 01:51:14,299
I knew you had mind powers!
2474
01:51:14,301 --> 01:51:16,735
And make it
the greatest day
of your life!
2475
01:51:16,737 --> 01:51:18,904
Almighty, Almighty,
light the fuse on my call.
2476
01:51:18,906 --> 01:51:20,873
Thirty-niner-niner-14,
cook these fools.
2477
01:51:20,875 --> 01:51:21,940
I repeat,
cook these fools.
2478
01:51:33,787 --> 01:51:35,721
We've got to get out of here.
There's too much news!
2479
01:51:35,723 --> 01:51:37,389
Man, what a rush!
2480
01:51:37,391 --> 01:51:39,191
The monster's my friend!
2481
01:51:39,193 --> 01:51:40,859
Ron, we can still
make your kid's recital!
2482
01:51:42,362 --> 01:51:44,963
(LAUGHS)
Hey, Ronny.
2483
01:51:44,965 --> 01:51:47,766
Jack Lime, please,
I just want to get
to my son's recital.
2484
01:51:47,768 --> 01:51:49,368
No! That is
out of the question!
2485
01:51:49,370 --> 01:51:50,803
We're outnumbered, Ron.
2486
01:51:50,805 --> 01:51:52,037
Foam the runway,
I'm coming in hot!
2487
01:51:59,779 --> 01:52:01,280
(TIRES SCREECHING)
2488
01:52:04,718 --> 01:52:08,187
♪ Old MacDonald had a farm ♪
2489
01:52:08,189 --> 01:52:10,889
And then four guys
on bikes showed up.
2490
01:52:10,891 --> 01:52:14,059
Wes Mantooth and the
Channel Nine news team!
2491
01:52:14,061 --> 01:52:15,227
Hey, what the hell
are you guys doing here?
2492
01:52:15,229 --> 01:52:16,962
This is a national news fight.
2493
01:52:16,964 --> 01:52:18,430
You made one mistake today.
2494
01:52:19,399 --> 01:52:21,033
You messed with somebody
from San Diego.
2495
01:52:21,935 --> 01:52:25,304
It's actually
pronounced San Diago.
2496
01:52:25,306 --> 01:52:27,306
Hell, Ron and I
may not agree on everything,
2497
01:52:28,475 --> 01:52:30,175
but we share
the bond of being
2498
01:52:30,177 --> 01:52:31,510
from the greatest city
in the history of this Earth.
2499
01:52:31,512 --> 01:52:33,345
(LAUGHING)
2500
01:52:33,347 --> 01:52:35,481
Well, ain't that cute?
2501
01:52:35,483 --> 01:52:37,916
But you're outnumbered
three-to-one.
2502
01:52:37,918 --> 01:52:39,251
Why don't you
go back to your mama?
2503
01:52:39,253 --> 01:52:40,919
Don't you use
my mom's name in vain.
2504
01:52:42,222 --> 01:52:44,523
Dorothy Mantooth was
a hard-working single woman
2505
01:52:44,525 --> 01:52:46,759
who raised
seven children on her own
2506
01:52:46,761 --> 01:52:49,161
and she remained sexually
active till the day she died.
2507
01:52:49,163 --> 01:52:51,029
She brought pole dancing
into the mainstream.
2508
01:52:52,232 --> 01:52:55,134
Now here's the thing.
While I've been talking,
2509
01:52:55,136 --> 01:52:58,036
my news team has emptied
their gas tanks at your feet.
2510
01:53:01,508 --> 01:53:04,343
I drop this smoke and
every one of you goes "poof."
2511
01:53:04,345 --> 01:53:06,512
Well, you forgot
one thing, leatherman.
2512
01:53:06,514 --> 01:53:08,013
You drop that smoke,
you die, too.
2513
01:53:08,015 --> 01:53:10,249
(LAUGHING)
2514
01:53:12,085 --> 01:53:13,452
With the things
I've done in my life,
2515
01:53:14,854 --> 01:53:16,355
oh, I know I'm going
to burn in hell.
2516
01:53:18,091 --> 01:53:20,159
So I sure as shit
ain't afraid to
burn here on Earth.
2517
01:53:20,560 --> 01:53:22,895
Oh, my goodness!
2518
01:53:22,897 --> 01:53:24,363
That's the most
badass thing
I have ever heard.
2519
01:53:25,231 --> 01:53:26,365
All right!
2520
01:53:28,134 --> 01:53:29,101
Looks like
this fight's over.
2521
01:53:29,103 --> 01:53:30,269
(SIGHS)
2522
01:53:31,070 --> 01:53:32,137
Let's go, boys.
2523
01:53:33,540 --> 01:53:36,375
Yay! We won!
Let's celebrate!
2524
01:53:36,377 --> 01:53:38,277
Sparklers!
2525
01:53:38,279 --> 01:53:40,345
No, no, no, no, Brick!
ALL: No!
2526
01:53:43,516 --> 01:53:47,319
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
2527
01:53:57,096 --> 01:53:58,363
(MUSIC ENDS)
2528
01:53:58,998 --> 01:54:01,233
(ALL APPLAUDING)
2529
01:54:04,504 --> 01:54:06,538
Bravo! Bravo.
Yeah. Whoo!
2530
01:54:08,942 --> 01:54:10,509
Dad!
2531
01:54:10,511 --> 01:54:12,411
Son, I fought
a Minotaur to be here.
2532
01:54:13,279 --> 01:54:14,980
And I'd do it again.
2533
01:54:14,982 --> 01:54:19,251
Dad! Together
we can defeat voodoo!
2534
01:54:19,253 --> 01:54:21,854
NARRATOR: Ron had finally
learned how to love his son
2535
01:54:21,856 --> 01:54:24,022
and his wife
more than his career.
2536
01:54:25,458 --> 01:54:28,627
And as it turned out,
his walking off the news
2537
01:54:28,629 --> 01:54:31,363
was the highest-rated
TV event of the year.
2538
01:54:32,599 --> 01:54:35,200
He and his news team,
along with Veronica,
2539
01:54:35,202 --> 01:54:38,637
could have any job
they wanted.
2540
01:54:38,639 --> 01:54:41,907
But before that, they had one
little thing to take care of.
2541
01:54:44,978 --> 01:54:49,248
And now, before I join this
couple in holy matrimony,
2542
01:54:49,250 --> 01:54:51,516
Brick and Chani
ask us to join them
2543
01:54:51,518 --> 01:54:53,185
as they exchange their vows.
2544
01:54:54,354 --> 01:54:56,054
My dearest Brick.
2545
01:54:56,056 --> 01:54:57,656
Everything I have is yours.
2546
01:54:58,658 --> 01:55:00,993
My four lawnmowers.
My sister.
2547
01:55:02,462 --> 01:55:06,465
My 35 ferrets.
My massive student loan
and real estate debt.
2548
01:55:06,467 --> 01:55:07,466
It's all yours.
2549
01:55:09,502 --> 01:55:11,470
Oh, Chani.
2550
01:55:11,472 --> 01:55:14,973
I will never forget
the exact moment I saw you.
2551
01:55:14,975 --> 01:55:18,977
My pee-pee got all
uncomfortable in my pants,
and I thought,
2552
01:55:18,979 --> 01:55:21,480
"Here comes the warm
milkshake out of the tip
of my belly stick."
2553
01:55:25,184 --> 01:55:27,519
Wait! Look!
2554
01:55:27,521 --> 01:55:29,421
Walter, Walter,
honey, shh!
2555
01:55:29,423 --> 01:55:31,189
Look in the water!
2556
01:55:31,691 --> 01:55:34,092
It's Doby!
2557
01:55:34,094 --> 01:55:35,360
Oh, my God.
2558
01:55:35,362 --> 01:55:38,597
It's Doby! Doby!
2559
01:55:38,599 --> 01:55:40,432
VERONICA: Ron,
what are you doing?
He's not your friend!
2560
01:55:40,700 --> 01:55:42,067
Doby!
2561
01:55:42,702 --> 01:55:44,636
CHAMP: Ron! That's a shark!
2562
01:55:45,371 --> 01:55:47,205
VERONICA: He will eat you!
2563
01:55:48,107 --> 01:55:50,575
♪ Old friends
2564
01:55:52,478 --> 01:55:54,046
♪ Old friends
2565
01:55:54,048 --> 01:55:55,314
Doby!
2566
01:55:56,582 --> 01:56:00,252
♪ Sat on their park bench
like bookends ♪
2567
01:56:01,120 --> 01:56:02,621
Oh, my God!
2568
01:56:02,623 --> 01:56:03,989
The shark actually
recognizes him!
2569
01:56:04,657 --> 01:56:06,558
(SCREAMING)
2570
01:56:06,560 --> 01:56:07,726
BRIAN: Nope. He's
viciously attacking him.
2571
01:56:09,128 --> 01:56:12,464
Doby! Doby, it's me! Ron!
2572
01:56:12,466 --> 01:56:14,700
NARRATOR: If a man dies
with love in his heart,
2573
01:56:14,702 --> 01:56:16,668
does he truly die?
2574
01:56:16,670 --> 01:56:18,437
Absolutely!
2575
01:56:18,439 --> 01:56:21,139
But on this day,
Ron Burgundy's grapple
2576
01:56:21,141 --> 01:56:23,241
with this denizen
from the deep
2577
01:56:23,243 --> 01:56:26,511
was halted by 28 pounds
of furry providence.
2578
01:56:26,513 --> 01:56:27,980
(BARKING)
2579
01:56:27,982 --> 01:56:29,281
(ALL SHOUTING)
2580
01:56:31,451 --> 01:56:32,417
RON: I bottle-fed you!
2581
01:56:32,685 --> 01:56:34,019
(SCREAMS)
2582
01:56:35,588 --> 01:56:36,555
Baxter!
2583
01:56:37,623 --> 01:56:39,124
(GASPING)
2584
01:56:39,625 --> 01:56:41,126
(BARKING)
2585
01:56:43,763 --> 01:56:45,030
Baxter!
2586
01:56:45,765 --> 01:56:49,468
Baxter! Ah, yes!
2587
01:56:49,470 --> 01:56:51,470
(LAUGHING)
(BARKING)
2588
01:56:52,472 --> 01:56:56,441
I know, I know,
I love you, too.
2589
01:56:57,076 --> 01:56:58,610
(PANTING)
2590
01:56:58,612 --> 01:57:00,178
Oh. Come on.
2591
01:57:02,148 --> 01:57:03,582
(CROWD APPLAUDS)
2592
01:57:04,150 --> 01:57:05,584
(CROWD CHEERING)
2593
02:02:28,574 --> 02:02:29,741
All right, let's do it.
2594
02:02:31,944 --> 02:02:33,611
You guys think...
2595
02:02:33,613 --> 02:02:35,680
I don't know
how to use a computer.
2596
02:02:35,682 --> 02:02:38,350
Hey, fellas. I just saw
Jack Lime out there.
2597
02:02:38,352 --> 02:02:40,352
He's a goddamn iceman.
2598
02:02:40,953 --> 02:02:42,587
Scared the crap out of me.