1
00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:50,840
# I've been searching
for a long time #
2
00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:55,600
# To find someone to be mine #
3
00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:59,560
# I never thought
you'd come along #
4
00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:04,160
# Now that you're here
All my worries are gone #
5
00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:07,840
# Oh, sweet you #
6
00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:11,040
# Sweet you #
7
00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:15,440
# All of my dreams
have all come true #
8
00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:19,960
# You're just the one
I've been looking for#
9
00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:24,320
# You're just the one
I've been looking for#
10
00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:29,040
# I didn't know how long
it would take #
11
00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:33,120
# But good things come
to those who wait #
12
00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:38,160
# Now I can't ask for
anything more #
13
00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:41,840
# You're everything
I've been looking for#
14
00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:45,240
# Sweet you #
15
00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:47,480
# Sweet you #
16
00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:51,440
# Nobody, nobody, nobody
will ever do #
17
00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:55,800
# You're just the one
I've been looking for#
18
00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:01,040
# You're just the one
I've been looking for#
19
00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:05,640
# Nights were dark
Days got longer#
20
00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:09,720
# My mind was weak
when my heart stayed strong #
21
00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:14,000
# Then you came along
and rescued me #
22
00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:18,920
# Please don't you ever
set me free #
23
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:21,880
# Oh, no #
24
00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:28,280
## [Vocalizing]
25
00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:32,360
# Sweet you
Sweet you #
26
00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:37,200
# Nobody, nobody, nobody
will ever do #
27
00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:42,600
# You're just the one
I've been looking for#
28
00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:46,960
# You're just the one
I've been looking for#
29
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:51,560
# Nights were dark
Days got longer#
30
00:02:51,640 --> 00:02:56,200
# My mind was weak
when my heart stayed strong #
31
00:02:56,280 --> 00:03:00,200
# Then you came along
and rescued me #
32
00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:05,000
# Please don't you ever
set me free #
33
00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:06,920
# Oh, no #
34
00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:13,680
## [Vocalizing]
35
00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:18,480
Synedyne technical support.
This is Suzanne. How can I help you?
36
00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:21,400
Synedyne technical support.
This is Rachel. How can I help you?
37
00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:23,880
This is Elliot.
How can I help you?
38
00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:25,840
Oh.
[Chuckles]
39
00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:28,440
Oh, wow.
Yeah, okay.
40
00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:30,160
Give me a second to find you here.
41
00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:32,160
My computer's running
a little slow today.
42
00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:34,560
Wake up, fella.
Oh, there you are.
43
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:39,200
Hey, you got yourself a model 5732,
128 megs of RAM, 27 gig hard drive.
44
00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:42,640
Good. Good. And you say that it hangs
every time you try and print?
45
00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:45,040
Wow. All right,
no problem.
46
00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:47,640
Can you hold for two seconds?
47
00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:50,840
Carol! Carol.
48
00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:53,320
I don't know what you've
been told, little lady,
49
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:54,840
but the rest of us start at 9:00.
50
00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:57,280
[Chuckling]
51
00:03:57,360 --> 00:03:59,360
I'm kidding. I'm just kidding.
Good morning.
52
00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,920
Hey, Dan, my man!
What's up, my bro?
53
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:05,600
Put it there.
All right. Yeah.
54
00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:08,120
So, hoops today? You and the guys
up for some hoopage after work?
55
00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:10,360
Uh, you know,
we don't know yet, Elliot.
56
00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:11,520
I'm not sure yet, okay?
57
00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:14,160
Oh, that's cool, man.
Just let me know, 'cause I'm there, bud.
58
00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:17,680
'Cause I love the round ball.
That's why they call me "Air Elliot."
59
00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:21,000
- [Imitating Crowd Cheering]
- Okay.
60
00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:24,520
Well, you know, make sure
that you let me know the right time,
61
00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:25,840
'cause last week you said 6:30,
62
00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:27,760
and when I got there you
guys were just leaving.
63
00:04:27,840 --> 00:04:31,560
- How stupid did you feel?
- Pretty stupid, Elliot.
64
00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:33,960
Not a problem, Danny.
Give it up.
65
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:36,560
- [Man] Hey, Daniel.
- Hey, man, how you doing?
66
00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:42,920
Hey, Bob.
67
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:44,840
- What's up?
- Hey, Elliot.
68
00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:47,720
So, uh, you and your posse
gonna hit the brewery tonight?
69
00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:50,160
My posse? No.
70
00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:53,120
Uh, they're all busy
with the big, uh...
71
00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:54,680
What's wrong with your neck?
72
00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:57,200
Uh, nothing.
It's repetitive stress disorder.
73
00:04:57,280 --> 00:04:58,560
It's a headset injury.
74
00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:02,520
What do you say you and me go knock
back suds and check out the babes?
75
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:05,440
Elliot, I'm married, remember?
76
00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:08,440
I'm gonna go home and spend
some time with my wife.
77
00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:08,840
Ohhh.
78
00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:11,920
Taking a trip to Whipville.
[Imitates Whip Snapping]
79
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:14,080
Oooh.
80
00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:17,040
That just gets funnier
every time you do that.
81
00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:22,280
- Don't-Don't-Don't...
- [Elliot] Hey, Jerry!
82
00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:25,480
#Jerry, Jerry, bo-berry
fee, fie, fo-ferry, Jerry ##
83
00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:26,640
What's happening, brother?
84
00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:28,360
Uh, running to an
important meeting.
85
00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:28,880
Oh, yeah?
86
00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:30,600
I think you're
gonna appreciate this
87
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:32,440
'cause we're both
stereo component nuts.
88
00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:35,160
Check these out, homes.
These are the new Ingebritzens.
89
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:35,560
Right.
90
00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:39,320
XVC speakers. Here, look it.
That's the back of the left speaker.
91
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:41,160
And here's the front
of the right speaker.
92
00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:41,760
Sweet, sweet.
93
00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:43,960
That's the front of the left...
No, that's the right speaker.
94
00:05:51,280 --> 00:05:53,160
- I think... Oh, man!
- [Dan] What?
95
00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:57,880
It's Elliot.
Who told him we were here?
96
00:05:57,880 --> 00:05:58,480
Oh!
97
00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:05,440
Hi.
98
00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:07,840
You guys.
99
00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:13,000
Well, well, well,
isn't this a big surprise?
100
00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:15,040
I thought everybody was busy.
101
00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:19,080
- Uh, slight change of plans, Elliot.
- Oh, is that right?
102
00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:21,040
Well, I'm a little bit
peeved at you guys.
103
00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:22,680
I'm thinking you
tried to ditch me.
104
00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:24,840
I'm thinking I might
not even sit down with you.
105
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:26,320
We can understand that.
See you tomorrow.
106
00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:26,840
Later, Elliot.
107
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,360
I'm kidding.
108
00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:32,120
- Wanna switch places with me?
- No, I'm fine.
109
00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:42,080
Oh, my goodness gracious.
110
00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:44,440
[Dan Chuckling]
You've got to be kidding me.
111
00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:46,840
[Bob]
Please, please don't tell me you have
112
00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:48,440
a thing for Alison Gardner. Please.
113
00:06:48,520 --> 00:06:50,360
[Jerry]
You're way out of your league.
114
00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:51,480
[Carol] Plant life is out of his...
115
00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:52,920
Isn't she dating
that guy, uh, uh, in research?
116
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:56,760
Brian, with the teeth...
Brad, Brian... the guy with the teeth.
117
00:06:56,840 --> 00:06:59,000
No, that's been over
for three months now.
118
00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:01,600
- Oh, yeah? How do you know?
- I know a lot of things about her.
119
00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:05,880
I know... I know that she likes
her bagels buttered, but not toasted.
120
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:07,720
- Wow.
- How specific.
121
00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:10,520
I know that she looks
beautiful in any color,
122
00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:13,280
but when she wears blue...
123
00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:16,840
- [Dan] Mm-mm-mm.
- Sounds like you guys are old friends.
124
00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:20,000
Well, we have been working
at the same company for four years now.
125
00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:22,760
You spend that much time together,
you get to know each other.
126
00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:25,520
So it should be really no
problem for you to just get up,
127
00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:26,840
walk over and say hello to her.
128
00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:29,280
She's with somebody.
I'll catch up with her tomorrow.
129
00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:29,760
Yeah. Oh!
130
00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:32,760
Come on, Elliot.
Come clean here.
131
00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:35,880
You have never spoken
to Alison Gardner, right?
132
00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:37,080
Of course I have.
133
00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:39,480
- Did I say "queer" earlier?
- Oh, you are pathetic, Elliot.
134
00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,480
Really, you're pathetic.
135
00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:44,160
Okay. I guess you guys are just
not gonna let me relax
136
00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:45,800
until I go over there and say hello.
137
00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:48,320
- [All Murmuring Agreement]
- Wow. That'll make you happy?
138
00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:50,600
You think I'm pathetic?
139
00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:54,760
- Don't touch me.
- [Carol] Go for it, tiger.
140
00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:56,680
Good luck.
141
00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:03,880
I'm gonna go.
See you later.
142
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:07,920
- Hi.
- Hi. Do I know you?
143
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:09,840
Oh, I should hope so.
144
00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:13,640
Uh, we've only been working together
at Synedyne for the last four years.
145
00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:17,800
I'm Elliot Richards.
We-We've spoken.
146
00:08:17,840 --> 00:08:20,280
I'm sorry. I-I don't...
147
00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:23,240
It was the first week
of June three years ago.
148
00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:25,800
I said it was "wet out."
149
00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:29,000
We were standing in the lobby
and I said it was "really wet out."
150
00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:32,800
- It was raining at the time.
- I assumed that.
151
00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:36,240
Yeah.
152
00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:41,920
So, here we are talking again.
153
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:43,880
Yeah.
154
00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:47,280
Uh, well, take it easy.
155
00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:54,480
You know, I'm here
with some friends
156
00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:56,880
and I was wondering if
maybe you wanted to...
157
00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:14,560
Dear God, I would give anything
to have that girl in my life.
158
00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:18,880
## [Tone Loc's "Wild Thing"]
159
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:57,400
- Hi.
- Hello.
160
00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:02,120
Uh, I was wondering
if, uh, this is...
161
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:06,080
Uh, I was standing
over there and the...
162
00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:09,120
You're very glib.
I bet you're a whiz with the ladies.
163
00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:12,280
- Well...
- You here alone?
164
00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:15,360
No, uh, I'm here with
some buddies from work...
165
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:19,120
- I saw you talking to a woman.
- Um...
166
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:22,280
Yeah, yeah.
But... I'm not with her.
167
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:24,800
But you'd like to be, huh?
168
00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:27,840
- What makes you say that?
- Oh, I don't know.
169
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:29,720
When a man says he'd
give anything
170
00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:31,200
to have a certain
woman in his life,
171
00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:33,240
I just assume
she means something to him.
172
00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:36,480
How did you hear me say that?
I was standing all the way over...
173
00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:40,240
I have fantastic hearing, and a number
of other equally impressive talents.
174
00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:49,360
Ho-doggie!
175
00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:52,880
Let's go someplace quiet
so we can talk.
176
00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:59,000
Um, okay. You... What?
You wanna talk to me?
177
00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:02,680
Is that a problem?
You're not attracted to me?
178
00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:05,480
Uh, no.
179
00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:07,720
I think you're hot.
180
00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:10,200
Baby, you have no idea.
181
00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:19,480
- Kiss me.
- What? Here?
182
00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:22,360
Don't be afraid
to explore new horizons.
183
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:25,360
Um...
184
00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:33,840
Can you give us
two seconds, girls?
185
00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:36,400
Yeah, can you give us
two seconds?
186
00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:38,720
Sure. Whatever.
187
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:45,120
Listen. Whoo!
188
00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:47,120
[Exhales]
You seem really nice...
189
00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:50,280
in a strong,
scary kind of a way.
190
00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:53,240
But my friends are, uh,
probably waiting for me,
191
00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:56,320
so, I'm... I'm gonna
just get going.
192
00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:58,680
You're so nervous, Elliot.
193
00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:00,600
How do you know my name?
194
00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:03,760
I'm psychic.
Plus, it's on your name tag.
195
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:06,840
Duh.
196
00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:09,840
Now, then, I just wanna
talk business for a second.
197
00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:13,920
Oh, um, I'm not into that.
198
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:16,600
I mean, l... I've never
paid for sex before.
199
00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:19,200
Except this one time.
It was an Internet thing.
200
00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:22,040
You can't help it. Every time
you sign on, it's sex, sex, sex.
201
00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:24,720
I'm not a hooker, you silly boy.
I just wanna ask you a question.
202
00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:28,040
How would you like to make
one simple decision...
203
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:30,480
that'll change
your life forever?
204
00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:34,480
Okay, I'm glad Scientology
works for you, but...
205
00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:36,440
Just listen.
206
00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:39,400
What if I told you that
I had the cataclysmic power...
207
00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:43,160
to give you anything and everything
you've always dreamed of?
208
00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:47,720
- Who are you?
- Promise not to tell anyone?
209
00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:49,600
Okay.
210
00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:52,560
Cross your heart
and hope to die?
211
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:54,680
Yeah.
212
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:59,320
I'm the Devil.
213
00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:04,680
Okay.
214
00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:07,920
I think somebody's had
"tee many martoonis."
215
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:12,120
I am the Devil, Satan, Lucifer,
Beelzebub, the Prince of Darkness.
216
00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:14,520
Well, the Princess
of Darkness, anyway.
217
00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:16,680
Here's my card.
218
00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:19,280
Oh.
219
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:23,280
"The Devil." Yep.
That explains it.
220
00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:26,040
Now I believe you.
221
00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:27,920
Night-night.
222
00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:30,560
[Screams]
223
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:33,400
You're a very skeptical
person, you know that?
224
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:36,880
How did you...
How did you just... And you...
225
00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:38,880
- What's...
- Look.
226
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:41,360
If you could just buy into
this whole "I'm the Devil" thing,
227
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:43,640
it'll save us both
a lot of these questions.
228
00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:46,160
Maybe I should call you a cab.
229
00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:49,320
Although it's gonna be hard to find one
that'll go to Hell this time of night.
230
00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:51,920
Ooh, what a delightfully
piquant wit.
231
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:55,080
I can see we're gonna
get along famously.
232
00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:58,360
Cheers, darling.
233
00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:01,000
What are...
You can't... Look at...
234
00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:03,920
Geez!
235
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:06,960
You can't do that.
That's very dangerous.
236
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:09,880
Listen here. Why is this
so hard for you to believe?
237
00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:11,680
Do you think your mommy and daddy
238
00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:13,720
just made me up so
you'd be a good boy?
239
00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:16,240
Okay, okay, you're the Devil.
What do you want with me?
240
00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:19,480
I want you to be happy, Elliot.
You have such potential.
241
00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:22,000
All you need is a little push
in the right direction.
242
00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:24,840
- I am happy.
- Oh, please.
243
00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:26,560
You don't have to lie to me.
244
00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:29,520
I know every dark thought
in your tiny little mind.
245
00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:32,600
I know that every night you go home
to your horrible little apartment...
246
00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:34,280
and you eat your
little frozen dinner
247
00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:36,040
and you make your
little bowl of popcorn...
248
00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:39,920
and you watch TV and you can't keep
your eyes open anymore.
249
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,240
And then you crawl
off to bed...
250
00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:45,480
and wonder why you're alone
and nobody likes you.
251
00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:51,120
- Not every night.
- And you cry.
252
00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:55,640
Yeah, sure.
253
00:14:57,080 --> 00:15:01,360
I know what's in your heart, Elliot.
You could cry right now.
254
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:09,960
I'm talking about reinvention.
Taking control of your destiny.
255
00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:13,640
You wanna be liked?
You wanna be loved?
256
00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:15,600
How about respected?
257
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:18,000
How about feared?
258
00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:23,280
What exactly
are we talking about?
259
00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:27,120
You wanna see how it works, baby?
Wish for something.
260
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:29,040
- Like what?
- Whatever you want.
261
00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:31,600
It's yours.
Just say the word.
262
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:34,040
Okay, I...
263
00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:36,640
wish I had a Big Mac
and a large Coke.
264
00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:39,680
It is done.
265
00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:44,480
## ["Wild Thing"]
266
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:46,880
Hi, how are you doing?
What can I get you?
267
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:50,040
- A Big Mac and a large Coke.
- fries?
268
00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:54,000
- No.
- Comes to $3.47.
269
00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:57,800
Do you have $3.47?
270
00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:00,120
I left my purse
in the underworld.
271
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:05,360
Oh, yes! This truly
is the work of the Devil.
272
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:08,440
And to think that I doubted you.
I'm gonna go now.
273
00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:12,720
- What's the problem?
- This doesn't prove anything!
274
00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:15,760
I could have done this myself.
I even had to pay for it.
275
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:17,760
There's no such
thing as a free lunch.
276
00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:19,360
Didn't anyone ever tell you that?
277
00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:22,560
- I didn't even get any fries!
- Oh, I don't believe this.
278
00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:25,080
I'm offering you the
opportunity of a lifetime
279
00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:27,400
and all you can do is
moan about french fries?
280
00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:29,680
- Good night.
- fine. Okay.
281
00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:33,000
I'm obviously not getting through
to you, so let's just forget it.
282
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:36,320
Come. I'll give you
a lift back to your car.
283
00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:39,640
That's your car?
284
00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:41,560
[Engine Revving]
285
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:54,600
[Horn Honking]
286
00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:15,680
[Truck Horn Honking]
287
00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:18,560
Hey, hey!
288
00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:22,720
[Woman]
There's Elliot!
289
00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:25,600
[People Shouting,
Clamoring]
290
00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:28,840
Elliot, right here.
Right here, Elliot.
291
00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:33,800
Where are we?
292
00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:36,400
Just a little
after-hours club I own.
293
00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:39,520
We better get in there.
Everyone's waiting for you.
294
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:42,320
- Everyone who?
- All your friends.
295
00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:45,120
How are you doing,
Mr. Richards?
296
00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:50,520
## [Techno Dance]
297
00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:08,320
Hey, hey, Elliot.
298
00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:11,040
- No way. This is your club?
- Sure is.
299
00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:13,000
Wow!
300
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:16,240
[All Shouting]
Elliot!
301
00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:20,600
Hello, Elliot.
302
00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:22,640
- Hello.
- Elliot, dance with me first.
303
00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:25,000
- No, Elliot, dance with me.
- He's dancing with me first.
304
00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:26,160
You can dance with me.
305
00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:28,760
[Devil] That's enough. Break
it up. He belongs to me.
306
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:30,120
Hey, Elliot, how the hell are you?
307
00:18:30,120 --> 00:18:31,680
Somebody take a picture
of me and Elliot.
308
00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:34,160
- Hold it.
- Excellent.
309
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:37,920
- Hi, Elliot.
- [Devil] Ooh.
310
00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:42,000
I think she likes you too.
311
00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:44,760
- You hungry?
- Sort of.
312
00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:45,080
Look.
313
00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:48,280
Wow. These look just like the
cookies my grandma used to bake.
314
00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:51,240
- Try one.
- Okay.
315
00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:53,840
These are the cookies
my grandma used to bake!
316
00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:55,360
I aim to please, handsome.
317
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:58,000
- Come on.
- How did you...
318
00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:01,920
- You liked that, didn't you?
- What, the cookie?
319
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:05,560
Having all those people
excited to see you.
320
00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:07,640
It's nice to feel
accepted, isn't it?
321
00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:09,600
I can give you that.
322
00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:12,480
I can make the
whole world love you.
323
00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:14,680
- Come on.
- You still don't believe me.
324
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:17,280
- Do you?
- Of course not.
325
00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:20,720
first of all,
you look nothing like the Devil.
326
00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:24,000
Oh, really? I suppose
I could have gone this way.
327
00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:29,320
- [Screams]
- But it's so "trick or treat."
328
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:32,960
It's true.
You really are the Devil.
329
00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:36,320
Oh. Come on, baby.
Come and sit down.
330
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:39,680
I know this has all been
horribly overwhelming for you.
331
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:42,440
- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure you can.
332
00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:43,800
You can ask me anything you like,
333
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:45,560
as long as you don't
ask me if there's a God.
334
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:49,360
I get that one all the time.
It drives me absolutely bonkers.
335
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:52,600
Yes, there's a God.
336
00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:55,200
Really?
Well, what's He like?
337
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:58,560
You know, you'd think that meeting
the Devil would be interesting enough,
338
00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:01,080
but no, all people
want to know about is Him.
339
00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:03,000
Like He's so bloody fascinating.
340
00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:06,040
- So, He's a man?
- Yeah. Most men think they're God.
341
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:07,960
This one just happens
to be right.
342
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,880
Now listen, darling.
343
00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:11,440
I don't wanna pressure you,
344
00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:14,600
but why don't we take a teensy
little look at the contract?
345
00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:18,080
[Groaning]
346
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:24,840
This is pretty... Um...
347
00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:29,160
"I, Elliot Richards,
hereafter known as the Damned..."
348
00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:32,120
- "The Damned"?
- How about "the Darned"? Sound better?
349
00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:34,440
Don't get hung up on
the language, darling.
350
00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:35,920
There's nothing sinister here.
351
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,440
It's all standard boilerplate.
352
00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:43,640
Paragraph one states that I, the Devil,
a not-for-profit cooperation...
353
00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:45,520
with offices in Purgatory,
Hell and Los Angeles,
354
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:46,560
will give you seven wishes...
355
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:48,960
to use as you see fit.
356
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:51,200
Seven?
Why not eight?
357
00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:54,760
Why not six? I don't know.
Seven just sounds right.
358
00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:56,880
Paragraph two outlines
the manner in which you'll pay
359
00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:57,960
for the aforementioned wishes.
360
00:20:58,040 --> 00:20:59,920
[Mumbling]
What? Are you kidding?
361
00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:01,280
I have to give you my soul?
362
00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:04,240
After you've had
your wishes, of course.
363
00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:05,600
But it's my soul!
364
00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:09,200
- I can't give you my soul!
- What are you, James Brown?
365
00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:11,800
What's the big deal?
Have you ever seen your soul?
366
00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:13,760
Do you even know what it is?
367
00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:15,840
Of course.
It's the thing that... that...
368
00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:19,000
No, that's the...
It floats around...
369
00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:21,280
Can I tell you something?
370
00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:23,760
Souls are overrated.
371
00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:27,440
They don't really do anything.
Has yours done anything for you so far?
372
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:31,400
No. It's like your appendix.
You'll never even miss it.
373
00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:34,560
Yeah, well, if it's so useless,
then how come you want it so much?
374
00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:36,960
Ooh, aren't you the clever one?
375
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:40,640
Look, who's really making out
on this deal here?
376
00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:45,320
Seven utterly fabulous wishes
for one piddling little soul?
377
00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:47,240
Well, I don't know.
378
00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:49,480
What have we here?
379
00:21:54,360 --> 00:21:57,280
But who is that? Alison?
380
00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:00,680
How did you...
381
00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:03,280
She is so beautiful.
382
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:07,840
- I've been waiting for you for so long.
- Who's that?
383
00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:10,920
- Who's she with?
- I want you now, my love.
384
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:13,600
- Why are you showing me this?
- I'm yours forever, my darling.
385
00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:16,600
- [Gasps]
- Oh, I love your hair like that.
386
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:19,480
You must go through
conditioner like crazy.
387
00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:23,680
- Is this real?
- It could be.
388
00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:25,960
All you have
to do is sign.
389
00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:27,320
And you promise I'll get her?
390
00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:29,880
It's really up to you.
You're the one with the wishes.
391
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:34,080
But I promise
I'll do everything in my power.
392
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:36,000
Sign it, Elliot.
393
00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:48,960
Please, Elliot. I'm waiting.
[Echoing]
394
00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:55,640
[Echoing Continues]
395
00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:12,280
[Wind Howling]
396
00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:14,440
- [Thunderclap]
- Great!
397
00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:17,640
Now, before you start wishing,
you'll be needing this.
398
00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:20,600
If for any reason your wish
isn't going the way you hoped,
399
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:23,640
just take out the pager,
hit 666...
400
00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:25,920
and it'll bring you
right back to me.
401
00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:29,600
Why wouldn't it go
the way that I'd hoped?
402
00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:32,160
Oh, I was just throwing
that out as a "for instance."
403
00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:35,520
Every wish is gonna be
100% fabulous.
404
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:39,160
But you'll find that out
as soon as you make one.
405
00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:41,400
So, I should make one now?
406
00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:44,880
Well, if you don't mind.
I've got places to go,
407
00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:48,160
people to condemn
to an eternity of fiery torment.
408
00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:51,360
Okay. Um, let me think.
409
00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:54,560
- I wanna be married to Alison.
- You got it.
410
00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:57,040
Um, that's not all.
I wanna be rich.
411
00:23:57,120 --> 00:23:59,960
- Always a popular choice.
- That's not all.
412
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:03,960
I wanna be very rich
and very powerful.
413
00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:07,520
Oh, even better.
Remember, you have to say "I wish."
414
00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:09,480
Right.
415
00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:12,520
I wish that I were married
to Alison...
416
00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:15,160
and that I were very, very rich
and very powerful.
417
00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:17,840
- How's that sound?
- Sounds good to me.
418
00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:20,400
Enjoy.
419
00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:22,400
## [Flamenco]
420
00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:25,280
## [Man Singing In Spanish]
421
00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:25,720
## [Continues]
422
00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:33,280
[Screaming]
423
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:46,480
[Speaking Spanish]
424
00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:57,400
Que diablos!
425
00:26:57,440 --> 00:27:00,120
[Uproarious Laughter]
426
00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:24,440
- Bueno.
- Roberto.
427
00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:31,200
Si.
428
00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:49,280
[Man Shouts In Spanish]
429
00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:26,000
[Screams, Shouts In Spanish]
430
00:28:29,200 --> 00:28:33,560
Corazon. Corazon!
431
00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:53,480
I am is to visiting
in the Los Angeles...
432
00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:56,960
for the time of vacations.
433
00:29:19,840 --> 00:29:22,360
[Speaking In Spanish]
434
00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:25,880
[Man]
435
00:29:37,960 --> 00:29:40,440
Idiota!
436
00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:42,480
[Whimpering]
437
00:29:43,720 --> 00:29:46,120
Jefe.
438
00:30:33,640 --> 00:30:35,720
[Speaking In Spanish]
439
00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:43,320
[Shouts]
440
00:30:43,400 --> 00:30:45,440
Corazon.
441
00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:47,160
[Screams]
442
00:32:10,760 --> 00:32:12,840
[Gasps]
Es cocaina!
443
00:32:41,680 --> 00:32:44,360
[Speaking Russian]
444
00:33:32,160 --> 00:33:35,360
[Laughing]
445
00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:39,680
Alejandro?
446
00:33:39,720 --> 00:33:43,480
- Alejandro? Roberto? Esteban?
- [Sighs]
447
00:33:43,560 --> 00:33:46,400
[Raoul Chuckling]
448
00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:51,640
[Chuckling, Gasps]
449
00:34:51,720 --> 00:34:54,560
[Screaming]
450
00:35:02,760 --> 00:35:05,200
Seis, seis, seis.
451
00:35:05,280 --> 00:35:08,240
[Screaming]
452
00:35:10,680 --> 00:35:13,960
- [Groaning]
- Back so soon?
453
00:35:14,000 --> 00:35:16,640
[Groaning]
454
00:35:20,040 --> 00:35:23,960
You turned me into a drug dealer.
They almost killed me.
455
00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:27,080
- You asked for rich and powerful.
- Not like that.
456
00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:31,520
Goes with the territory, babe.
Root of all evil. Ring any bells?
457
00:35:31,560 --> 00:35:35,680
- What about Alison? What got into her?
- I think it was Raoul.
458
00:35:35,720 --> 00:35:38,160
Yeah! That's not
what I wished for.
459
00:35:38,240 --> 00:35:39,640
Well, hold on now, mister.
460
00:35:39,640 --> 00:35:42,000
You wished that the
two of you were married.
461
00:35:42,080 --> 00:35:44,800
You didn't say anything
about her loving you.
462
00:35:44,840 --> 00:35:47,560
Well, you know, when two people
get married, I assume that...
463
00:35:47,640 --> 00:35:51,480
There's your mistake.
May I suggest something?
464
00:35:51,560 --> 00:35:51,800
What?
465
00:35:51,800 --> 00:35:54,720
The rich and powerful thing
wasn't really the way to go.
466
00:35:54,760 --> 00:35:57,920
Everyone wishes for that first thing
out of the gate and it never pans out.
467
00:35:57,960 --> 00:36:00,000
- Really?
- The fact of the matter is...
468
00:36:00,040 --> 00:36:03,360
women aren't really attracted
to wealth and power.
469
00:36:03,400 --> 00:36:05,760
- They're not?
- No, of course not.
470
00:36:05,800 --> 00:36:08,200
They couldn't give a fig
for all that rubbish.
471
00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:11,240
What you need to figure out
is what she does want in a man.
472
00:36:11,320 --> 00:36:13,160
How do I find that out?
473
00:36:13,240 --> 00:36:14,560
Easy.
474
00:36:14,560 --> 00:36:15,240
Easy.
475
00:36:16,840 --> 00:36:18,800
[Horns Honking]
476
00:36:23,320 --> 00:36:25,560
I'm not with her!
477
00:36:28,840 --> 00:36:29,640
Where are we?
478
00:36:29,640 --> 00:36:32,120
A place you never would
have seen without my help.
479
00:36:32,160 --> 00:36:34,160
Welcome to Alison's bedroom.
480
00:36:34,240 --> 00:36:34,720
[Meows]
481
00:36:34,720 --> 00:36:38,120
We can't be in here. This
is breaking and entering.
482
00:36:38,200 --> 00:36:40,040
I know.
It's fun, isn't it?
483
00:36:40,120 --> 00:36:43,680
I'm sure we're gonna find the
answer somewhere around here.
484
00:36:43,760 --> 00:36:46,600
- What if Alison catches us?
- Don't worry.
485
00:36:46,680 --> 00:36:48,520
She won't be able to see you.
486
00:36:48,600 --> 00:36:52,560
- Besides, she's in the shower... naked.
- [Shower Running]
487
00:36:52,600 --> 00:36:56,080
Right behind that door.
Go on. Go ahead. Take a peep.
488
00:36:56,160 --> 00:36:59,480
- No!
- Oh, come on. We both know you want to.
489
00:36:59,560 --> 00:37:01,720
You must think that
I'm really perverted, don't you?
490
00:37:01,760 --> 00:37:02,800
That's what you think.
491
00:37:02,800 --> 00:37:05,480
You think I'm some sad,
desperate, twisted, pathetic loser.
492
00:37:05,560 --> 00:37:05,800
Yes.
493
00:37:05,800 --> 00:37:09,240
Well, in that case, maybe
I'll just take a quick look.
494
00:37:09,280 --> 00:37:13,480
Focus, Elliot. Remember, we're here
to find out what kind of man she wants.
495
00:37:13,560 --> 00:37:16,920
- How are we gonna do that?
- Well, she keeps a journal.
496
00:37:17,000 --> 00:37:20,160
Aha. And here it is.
497
00:37:20,240 --> 00:37:23,000
Right. I should be able to find some
information in here you'll find useful.
498
00:37:23,080 --> 00:37:26,600
- Hey, that's private stuff.
- Is it ever. Listen to this.
499
00:37:26,680 --> 00:37:29,720
"Last night was the most
incredible night of my life.
500
00:37:29,800 --> 00:37:33,640
"I never did find out any of the guys'
names, but I brought them back here...
501
00:37:33,720 --> 00:37:36,600
and all five of them banged me
like a Salvation Army drum."
502
00:37:36,680 --> 00:37:37,080
What?
503
00:37:37,080 --> 00:37:40,400
Just kidding. I could
have been a writer.
504
00:37:40,440 --> 00:37:42,840
[Gasps]
505
00:37:45,920 --> 00:37:50,000
Hey, it's okay. She could bump
into you and she wouldn't feel it.
506
00:37:50,040 --> 00:37:52,440
Now, this is good.
507
00:37:52,480 --> 00:37:54,840
[Alison's Voice]
"I meet many attractive men
508
00:37:54,880 --> 00:37:56,080
who are interested in me,
509
00:37:56,120 --> 00:37:59,960
"and while many of them are handsome
or clever or very successful,
510
00:38:00,040 --> 00:38:02,840
"I find myself turning away
from them...
511
00:38:02,880 --> 00:38:07,240
"and searching the horizon
for someone else.
512
00:38:07,320 --> 00:38:09,600
"I don't know who he is
or where I'll find him.
513
00:38:09,680 --> 00:38:13,920
"I only know that
he is a sensitive man.
514
00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:17,040
"He's a man who is in touch
with his emotions.
515
00:38:17,080 --> 00:38:20,320
"He's a man who's not afraid
to share his fears,
516
00:38:20,400 --> 00:38:22,800
"his disappointments
and his tears.
517
00:38:22,840 --> 00:38:25,240
Where are you,
my sensitive man?"
518
00:38:25,280 --> 00:38:27,240
[Gasps]
519
00:38:30,840 --> 00:38:33,200
[Gasps]
520
00:38:34,560 --> 00:38:37,360
Did you see that?
521
00:38:37,400 --> 00:38:41,240
She passed right through me.
We were one person for a split second,
522
00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:43,480
just like in Ghost.
523
00:38:43,560 --> 00:38:45,920
Darling, I've got an earthquake
in Chile in eight minutes.
524
00:38:45,920 --> 00:38:47,160
Any chance of making a wish here?
525
00:38:47,200 --> 00:38:50,480
Yes. I wish...
526
00:38:50,520 --> 00:38:52,880
I were the most
sensitive man in the world.
527
00:38:52,920 --> 00:38:54,840
Right. Okay.
528
00:38:54,920 --> 00:38:59,760
Wait! I wish I were the most
emotionally sensitive man in the world.
529
00:38:59,840 --> 00:39:01,960
Damn. I was hoping you
wouldn't catch that.
530
00:39:01,960 --> 00:39:04,040
I could have had a lot
of fun with that one.
531
00:39:04,120 --> 00:39:07,480
- And I want her to love me.
- Oh. You know what?
532
00:39:07,560 --> 00:39:09,720
I have a great feeling
about this.
533
00:39:09,800 --> 00:39:13,000
- You do?
- Yeah, but... what do I know, right?
534
00:39:24,240 --> 00:39:26,680
- Hey.
- I'm back, my love.
535
00:39:26,760 --> 00:39:27,960
Where did you run off to?
536
00:39:27,960 --> 00:39:29,920
I went to make a
garland of beach plums...
537
00:39:30,000 --> 00:39:32,880
to place atop your glorious head
like a crown.
538
00:39:34,360 --> 00:39:37,360
But then I caught sight
of that sunset and...
539
00:39:37,400 --> 00:39:40,120
I don't know, something
stirred inside me...
540
00:39:40,200 --> 00:39:43,320
and I had to stop and weep.
541
00:39:43,360 --> 00:39:46,760
Mmm, it's beautiful.
542
00:39:46,840 --> 00:39:48,680
It is.
543
00:39:51,280 --> 00:39:53,400
- There I go again.
- Tissue?
544
00:39:53,440 --> 00:39:56,320
No, I never wipe
my tears away.
545
00:39:56,400 --> 00:39:59,480
I'm not ashamed of them.
I wear them proudly,
546
00:39:59,560 --> 00:40:03,080
like small, wet, salty
badges of emotional truth.
547
00:40:03,160 --> 00:40:07,160
Elliot, um, there's something that
I think that we should talk about.
548
00:40:07,240 --> 00:40:11,960
Um, we've been together for
what, about three weeks now?
549
00:40:12,040 --> 00:40:15,120
- Three magical weeks.
- Three magical weeks.
550
00:40:15,160 --> 00:40:19,560
And I don't think that I've ever
met a man who's been more in touch...
551
00:40:19,640 --> 00:40:23,360
- with his feelings.
- I love you... so very much.
552
00:40:23,440 --> 00:40:25,560
I love you too.
553
00:40:28,640 --> 00:40:31,800
- [Barking]
- Dudley! Peter!
554
00:40:33,280 --> 00:40:35,160
I'm sorry.
They're such little devils.
555
00:40:35,200 --> 00:40:37,400
Come on, you naughty boys.
See ya.
556
00:40:40,000 --> 00:40:42,200
I'm sorry.
Are you okay?
557
00:40:42,240 --> 00:40:45,320
Um, do you need comforting
on any level?
558
00:40:45,400 --> 00:40:47,240
No, no, no, I'm fine.
559
00:40:47,320 --> 00:40:51,320
Have I done or said anything to
make you feel less good about you?
560
00:40:51,400 --> 00:40:54,320
- No, no, no, I'm fine.
- Would you like something to eat?
561
00:40:54,400 --> 00:40:58,840
I made a salad nicoise
with dolphin-safe tuna.
562
00:40:59,880 --> 00:41:02,200
Oh, wow.
563
00:41:07,080 --> 00:41:10,240
- What is it?
- It's that sunset again.
564
00:41:10,320 --> 00:41:13,800
And I worry about the dolphins.
I wrote a song about them.
565
00:41:13,800 --> 00:41:15,200
Would you like to hear it?
566
00:41:15,280 --> 00:41:18,040
Now? l-l...
567
00:41:18,080 --> 00:41:20,200
[Sighs]
568
00:41:20,280 --> 00:41:23,280
# Mayo-nayo-naise ##
569
00:41:26,240 --> 00:41:31,480
# Swimming by the sandy shore
Dancing up among the waves #
570
00:41:31,560 --> 00:41:34,240
# Dolphin, dolphin I adore #
571
00:41:34,320 --> 00:41:36,720
# Everything you are #
572
00:41:36,760 --> 00:41:39,560
#You're so much more
than a fish to me #
573
00:41:39,640 --> 00:41:42,400
# My playful friend
beneath the sea ##
574
00:41:42,480 --> 00:41:45,720
[Imitating Dolphin]
575
00:41:45,760 --> 00:41:48,520
- I have to stop.
- Good! I mean, oh, why?
576
00:41:48,600 --> 00:41:51,480
Because I'm looking at you
and I'm seeing all the beauty...
577
00:41:51,560 --> 00:41:54,600
of the world shining at me
through your eyes.
578
00:41:54,680 --> 00:41:58,000
- Would you mind if I sketched you?
- I didn't know you could draw.
579
00:41:58,080 --> 00:42:00,200
I'm not an artist, per se.
580
00:42:00,280 --> 00:42:03,040
Okay, Elliot, there's something
that I think I really have to say.
581
00:42:05,960 --> 00:42:07,800
Elliot, that's amazing!
582
00:42:09,240 --> 00:42:11,120
Compared to you, it's nothing.
583
00:42:11,200 --> 00:42:13,560
Compared to your smile...
584
00:42:13,600 --> 00:42:16,320
and the blush of your cheek and
the sound of your voice as it
585
00:42:16,320 --> 00:42:17,520
floats on the evening breeze.
586
00:42:17,600 --> 00:42:21,160
Compared to you,
that sunset's just...
587
00:42:24,480 --> 00:42:26,880
When is that darn thing gonna set?
588
00:42:26,960 --> 00:42:28,800
- Maybe we should go.
- No, wait.
589
00:42:28,880 --> 00:42:33,280
There's so much that I wanna say to you,
but I just can't find the words.
590
00:42:33,360 --> 00:42:35,760
I have an idea.
I would like...
591
00:42:35,840 --> 00:42:38,800
to improvise a sonnet
about your hair.
592
00:42:40,800 --> 00:42:43,720
How wonderful
my fair one's face...
593
00:42:48,480 --> 00:42:50,960
Excuse me, fellas.
Might I ask you to...
594
00:42:51,040 --> 00:42:53,880
take the horseplay down
to another part of the beach?
595
00:42:53,920 --> 00:42:56,280
Uh, no.
596
00:43:00,800 --> 00:43:05,000
You know, rather
than get confrontational,
597
00:43:05,080 --> 00:43:07,040
why don't we all
just sit down together,
598
00:43:07,120 --> 00:43:12,320
have some salad with dolphin-safe tuna
and see if we can't start a dialogue.
599
00:43:13,520 --> 00:43:16,000
You know, I had a feeling
that you were gonna...
600
00:43:16,080 --> 00:43:20,120
Okay, guys, I'm afraid
I'm going to have to ask you...
601
00:43:20,160 --> 00:43:23,680
to respect the moment that
my woman friend and I are sharing...
602
00:43:23,760 --> 00:43:27,480
because it's a special celebration
of love and caring...
603
00:43:27,520 --> 00:43:31,280
and a unique spiritual
and emotional understanding.
604
00:43:33,120 --> 00:43:35,720
- You wanna get a beer?
- Sure.
605
00:43:35,800 --> 00:43:38,680
Alison, excuse me, but I thought
that this was our time together.
606
00:43:38,760 --> 00:43:40,640
It's just a beer.
I'll be back in two seconds.
607
00:43:40,720 --> 00:43:42,880
Actually, my place
is like 40 minutes from here.
608
00:43:42,960 --> 00:43:45,520
- That's fine. Which way is your car?
- It's a van.
609
00:43:45,600 --> 00:43:46,040
Great.
610
00:43:46,040 --> 00:43:50,040
Alison, I respect your
uniqueness and individuality.
611
00:43:50,120 --> 00:43:53,720
And you're your own person, and if you
want to go with our new friends here...
612
00:43:53,760 --> 00:43:55,920
to get a drink,
I won't stand in your way.
613
00:43:56,000 --> 00:43:58,080
Okay, thanks, El.
I knew you'd understand.
614
00:43:58,080 --> 00:43:58,640
No, wait!
615
00:43:58,720 --> 00:44:00,920
Don't go! I can't handle
this kind of rejection!
616
00:44:00,920 --> 00:44:02,600
Why don't you wanna
stay here with me?
617
00:44:02,680 --> 00:44:06,280
You wanna know why?
Because you're just too sensitive!
618
00:44:06,360 --> 00:44:09,200
I'm about to go out of my mind here.
It's been wonderful,
619
00:44:09,280 --> 00:44:12,520
and God knows I love you,
but enough is enough!
620
00:44:12,600 --> 00:44:16,680
I just wanna be with a man who will
ignore me and take me for granted...
621
00:44:16,760 --> 00:44:19,000
and who's only pretending
to be interested in who I am...
622
00:44:19,040 --> 00:44:21,840
and what I think so
he can get into my pants.
623
00:44:21,920 --> 00:44:25,800
- That would be me.
- Oh, thank you!
624
00:44:25,880 --> 00:44:28,080
Let's get out of here.
625
00:44:28,160 --> 00:44:30,040
Alison, wait!
626
00:44:30,120 --> 00:44:32,600
Alison!
627
00:44:32,680 --> 00:44:35,240
I'll get into your pants!
628
00:44:46,880 --> 00:44:48,760
[Screams]
629
00:44:51,680 --> 00:44:55,000
Oh, Elliot, get out of there,
you silly boy.
630
00:44:55,040 --> 00:44:59,200
- Oh, man, you are so bad.
- Why, thank you.
631
00:44:59,280 --> 00:44:59,960
Just admit it.
632
00:44:59,960 --> 00:45:03,040
You're not very good at this whole
instant travel thing, are you?
633
00:45:03,120 --> 00:45:05,720
I'm sorry. Now then,
what were we talking about?
634
00:45:05,760 --> 00:45:08,240
Oh, your next wish, wasn't it?
635
00:45:08,320 --> 00:45:10,560
Don't think I don't
see what you're doing.
636
00:45:10,560 --> 00:45:12,920
I make wishes, you think
up ways to ruin them.
637
00:45:12,960 --> 00:45:16,920
I've ruined them?
How can you say that?
638
00:45:16,960 --> 00:45:20,360
I'm not perfect, you know.
Do you think I enjoy this?
639
00:45:20,440 --> 00:45:25,280
I'm stuck in this horrible job
for eternity. Everybody hates me.
640
00:45:25,360 --> 00:45:27,560
I can't sleep. And when
I actually try to help someone,
641
00:45:27,640 --> 00:45:31,480
they turn on me like
I'm supposed to be God or something.
642
00:45:31,560 --> 00:45:34,680
Well, for your information,
my life is a living hell.
643
00:45:34,720 --> 00:45:38,120
I work hard.
I try to look good for you.
644
00:45:38,200 --> 00:45:41,240
You do look good.
You-You look very good.
645
00:45:41,320 --> 00:45:43,480
I just wanted you
to like me.
646
00:45:43,520 --> 00:45:45,080
Oh, come on. I do like you.
647
00:45:45,080 --> 00:45:47,760
It's just I'm feeling a
little frustrated here.
648
00:45:47,840 --> 00:45:51,000
Don't give up on me, Elliot.
I'm not giving up on you.
649
00:45:51,080 --> 00:45:55,480
Nobody gets it totally right right away.
You're doing great, really.
650
00:45:55,520 --> 00:45:58,680
- I am?
- Yeah, you are.
651
00:45:58,720 --> 00:46:00,960
I'm so sorry
your wish didn't work out.
652
00:46:02,600 --> 00:46:04,640
Friends?
653
00:46:04,720 --> 00:46:06,600
Sure.
654
00:46:06,680 --> 00:46:10,640
Listen, I'm sorry if I said anything
to upset you or make you feel bad.
655
00:46:10,720 --> 00:46:13,320
And I'm gonna try
to be more sensitive next time.
656
00:46:13,400 --> 00:46:15,400
I think you're
sensitive enough already.
657
00:46:15,400 --> 00:46:15,960
You think?
658
00:46:16,040 --> 00:46:18,360
Are you kidding?
You even went for me crying.
659
00:46:18,440 --> 00:46:20,320
Hey! Were you
just faking me out?
660
00:46:20,400 --> 00:46:25,160
I was 100% sincere. It's not easy
being the Barbra Streisand of Evil.
661
00:46:25,240 --> 00:46:29,480
- [Chuckling]
- Now, what have we learned so far?
662
00:46:29,560 --> 00:46:31,600
Well, let's see.
663
00:46:31,680 --> 00:46:34,200
I'm starting to think women
don't know what they want.
664
00:46:34,200 --> 00:46:34,520
Amen!
665
00:46:34,600 --> 00:46:38,080
They say they want sensitivity, but
did you see how fast Alison went for...
666
00:46:38,160 --> 00:46:41,360
- those tough-guy dudes on the beach?
- Which tells you?
667
00:46:41,440 --> 00:46:45,160
That... Well, it tells me
that I wanna be really big and strong.
668
00:46:45,240 --> 00:46:49,240
You know, I wanna have a great body
and be tall and... Like... [Grunts]
669
00:46:49,280 --> 00:46:51,160
- Go on.
- And I wanna be athletic.
670
00:46:51,200 --> 00:46:53,360
- Check.
- And I wanna be rich too.
671
00:46:53,440 --> 00:46:55,800
But I want it to be
for something that I like doing,
672
00:46:55,800 --> 00:46:57,080
and people really like me for.
673
00:46:57,120 --> 00:46:59,160
Great! This is getting
really specific.
674
00:46:59,200 --> 00:47:02,160
Let's see...
big, strong, rich, athletic,
675
00:47:02,240 --> 00:47:05,240
something you like,
lots of fans...
676
00:47:05,280 --> 00:47:08,280
- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- Oh, I hope so.
677
00:47:08,360 --> 00:47:09,400
In the form of a wish?
678
00:47:09,400 --> 00:47:11,600
I wish I could play
professional basketball.
679
00:47:11,680 --> 00:47:14,840
Then I'll just say
the magic words: Dennis Rodman.
680
00:47:14,880 --> 00:47:17,280
- [Buzzer Sounding]
- [Screaming] No!
681
00:47:17,320 --> 00:47:20,600
Just kidding.
Michael Jordan.
682
00:47:20,680 --> 00:47:22,960
Yeah!
683
00:47:24,440 --> 00:47:28,280
[Crowd]
Three, two, one!
684
00:47:30,560 --> 00:47:32,320
[Announcer]
And that's it. That's the game.
685
00:47:32,400 --> 00:47:36,200
The fans are going nuts
here at the Forum in Los Angeles.
686
00:47:36,280 --> 00:47:40,920
The score: 135 to 85.
Elliot Richards has totally dominated.
687
00:47:41,000 --> 00:47:43,640
If you're just tuning in,
it's a shame because you just missed...
688
00:47:43,680 --> 00:47:45,600
one of the greatest performances
in the history of sports.
689
00:47:45,640 --> 00:47:47,480
Absolutely, Jerry.
Absolutely.
690
00:47:47,560 --> 00:47:51,520
People said basketball caught fire with
the "ascendry" of Michael Jordan.
691
00:47:51,600 --> 00:47:54,200
But I tell you, after what
we seen here tonight,
692
00:47:54,280 --> 00:47:56,560
a lot of people are gonna
be saying, "Michael who?"
693
00:47:56,640 --> 00:47:59,760
[Jerry] Right from the get-go, the
fans took a look at Elliot Richards...
694
00:47:59,840 --> 00:48:02,120
and a couple women fainted.
695
00:48:02,200 --> 00:48:05,640
And a couple fellas... I'd rather not
say...but they liked what they saw.
696
00:48:05,720 --> 00:48:08,440
[Dan] Absolutely.
He's a big fella and an imposing fella.
697
00:48:08,520 --> 00:48:11,640
He's enormous. He's listed at 7'6"
in the program,
698
00:48:11,720 --> 00:48:14,600
but I'd say he plays the game
like he's 11 feet tall.
699
00:48:14,680 --> 00:48:16,520
No, I don't think
he that big, Jerry.
700
00:48:16,600 --> 00:48:19,440
No, I'm saying the game
he plays is-is-is...
701
00:48:19,520 --> 00:48:21,520
is that of
some Viking giant...
702
00:48:21,600 --> 00:48:24,600
with a basketball in one hand
and a club in the other...
703
00:48:24,640 --> 00:48:27,120
standing 10, 11,
12 feet tall.
704
00:48:27,200 --> 00:48:31,680
It's obvious Elliot Richards controlled
this game right from the tip-off.
705
00:48:31,760 --> 00:48:36,000
Right from the get-go, Elliot was
a dominating force in tonight's game.
706
00:48:36,080 --> 00:48:39,120
He was Phi Slamma Jamma
runnin' stank all over it...
707
00:48:39,200 --> 00:48:42,200
with rib-ticklin' jumps
of double vanilla funk.
708
00:48:42,240 --> 00:48:45,880
Let's take a look.
Here's a pass worthy of John Elway.
709
00:48:45,920 --> 00:48:47,800
For the dunk!
Such a beautiful play.
710
00:48:47,840 --> 00:48:52,560
Here he is lining up for the three.
And Ricola! It's good!
711
00:48:52,640 --> 00:48:54,640
Here comes his patented
over-the-shoulder,
712
00:48:54,640 --> 00:48:55,600
no-look three-pointer.
713
00:48:55,680 --> 00:48:57,440
And nothing but net!
714
00:49:02,720 --> 00:49:05,680
They're in the zone.
715
00:49:05,760 --> 00:49:08,400
Here he is soaring
through the air like the man...
716
00:49:08,480 --> 00:49:10,960
on the flying "trapezius,"
and bam!
717
00:49:11,040 --> 00:49:13,720
That's what I'm talking about!
718
00:49:13,800 --> 00:49:15,560
Destroying the
backboard on the glass.
719
00:49:15,560 --> 00:49:16,600
This kid's an animal.
720
00:49:16,640 --> 00:49:18,720
Let's take a look
at that dunker again.
721
00:49:18,720 --> 00:49:19,600
It's boom!
722
00:49:19,680 --> 00:49:22,760
Humpty-hump-dump-dump.
Ha-ha!
723
00:49:22,840 --> 00:49:26,200
I love this game, folks.
I sure enough do.
724
00:49:26,280 --> 00:49:28,760
Elliot Richards
spitting glass at your ass.
725
00:49:28,840 --> 00:49:31,840
Bob is courtside with Elliot Richards
now. Let's go to Bob Bob.
726
00:49:31,920 --> 00:49:32,920
Thank you, Jerry and Dan.
727
00:49:32,920 --> 00:49:35,160
Elliot, you must be one very
proud young man this evening.
728
00:49:35,200 --> 00:49:38,640
Simply put, that was a staggeringly
dramatic display of athletic ability.
729
00:49:38,720 --> 00:49:42,360
Uh, well, you know,
you go out there and you give 110%.
730
00:49:42,440 --> 00:49:45,040
And you wanna play good.
And you hope you play good.
731
00:49:45,120 --> 00:49:47,240
I think we played
pretty good tonight.
732
00:49:47,320 --> 00:49:49,280
Well, in the lexicon
of sports terminology,
733
00:49:49,280 --> 00:49:51,040
and I don't mean to
sound contrary here,
734
00:49:51,120 --> 00:49:53,040
the word "good"
falls tragically short
735
00:49:53,040 --> 00:49:55,760
of encompassing the sheer
virtuosity of your performance.
736
00:49:57,400 --> 00:50:00,800
Um, well, you know, there's
no "l" in the word "team,"
737
00:50:00,880 --> 00:50:02,720
and this is a team effort.
738
00:50:02,800 --> 00:50:05,680
And I just wanna say that I'm
real proud to be associated with...
739
00:50:05,760 --> 00:50:09,400
these fine individuals that
I have the pleasure of working with.
740
00:50:09,440 --> 00:50:12,480
Now, I would never wanna dis your
teammates in any way, shape or form,
741
00:50:12,560 --> 00:50:15,920
but you do realize that you smashed
Wilt Chamberlain's unbreakable record...
742
00:50:16,000 --> 00:50:18,080
of 100 points in a single
basketball game set in
743
00:50:18,080 --> 00:50:19,360
Hershey, Pennsylvania, years ago?
744
00:50:19,440 --> 00:50:23,000
Man, you just gotta play one game at
a time and go out there and give 110%...
745
00:50:23,080 --> 00:50:25,240
and you gotta show that you
want it more than they do
746
00:50:25,240 --> 00:50:26,560
when the chips fall where they may.
747
00:50:26,640 --> 00:50:29,320
Thank you very much.
Back to you, Jerry and Dan.
748
00:50:29,400 --> 00:50:32,120
All right! Diablos!
749
00:50:32,160 --> 00:50:35,000
Number one! Yeah!
750
00:50:38,280 --> 00:50:40,560
Elliot. Hi.
751
00:50:40,640 --> 00:50:43,840
Alison Gardner.
The Sporting News.
752
00:50:43,880 --> 00:50:47,080
- Oh. It's nice to meet you, ma'am.
- [Chuckles]
753
00:50:47,120 --> 00:50:50,240
God, I can't tell you
how thrilled I am to meet you.
754
00:50:50,280 --> 00:50:52,600
I was just wondering
if there was a possibility...
755
00:50:52,680 --> 00:50:55,760
you might consider
doing something exclusive with me,
756
00:50:55,760 --> 00:50:56,840
uh, for the magazine?
757
00:50:56,920 --> 00:51:01,520
Maybe more intimate,
one-on-one, just the two of us.
758
00:51:01,600 --> 00:51:05,800
Yeah, right.
I'd kill you in one-on-one.
759
00:51:05,880 --> 00:51:08,080
Shoot!
760
00:51:08,160 --> 00:51:10,920
God, it's so exciting to be here.
761
00:51:11,000 --> 00:51:15,200
I mean, uh, you must have
an enormously huge...
762
00:51:15,240 --> 00:51:17,280
talent to do what you do.
763
00:51:17,320 --> 00:51:21,000
Well, you know, you go out there
and you just give 110%.
764
00:51:21,080 --> 00:51:25,240
And, uh, you hope you play good.
You wanna play good.
765
00:51:25,320 --> 00:51:27,600
- I bet.
- I think we played pretty good tonight.
766
00:51:27,680 --> 00:51:30,480
Oh, God, you were incredible tonight.
I mean, watching you,
767
00:51:30,560 --> 00:51:33,640
I just kept thinking
how unbelievably big...
768
00:51:33,720 --> 00:51:36,800
your, uh, ego must be
after a game like that.
769
00:51:36,880 --> 00:51:39,040
Oh, not that big, really.
770
00:51:39,080 --> 00:51:42,880
- I bet it's pretty big.
- Well, I guess a little bit bigger.
771
00:51:43,920 --> 00:51:47,240
- It depends on how happy I am.
- Oh!
772
00:51:48,920 --> 00:51:51,360
- Whoo. God.
- Heck.
773
00:51:51,400 --> 00:51:55,680
Wanna go back to my place?
I'll show you my bottle cap collection.
774
00:51:55,720 --> 00:51:59,040
Oh, God, that would...
that would be tremendous.
775
00:51:59,120 --> 00:52:01,080
- All right, well...
- God.
776
00:52:01,160 --> 00:52:03,680
I should, uh...
I should get dressed.
777
00:52:03,720 --> 00:52:05,600
I can't wait.
778
00:52:12,560 --> 00:52:16,120
- [Gasps] Oh, my God!
- [Screams]
779
00:52:16,200 --> 00:52:19,000
Hey, what the hell!
780
00:52:19,080 --> 00:52:21,200
Oh, God, there's...
781
00:52:21,280 --> 00:52:23,920
Hey! Damn!
782
00:52:24,000 --> 00:52:25,840
- Um...
- Oh, heck!
783
00:52:25,920 --> 00:52:26,160
Oh!
784
00:52:26,160 --> 00:52:30,760
I just remembered there's
just this teeny, tiny thing...
785
00:52:30,840 --> 00:52:32,680
- I forgot to do.
- What's teeny?
786
00:52:32,760 --> 00:52:34,560
No, no, no.
It's something I have to write.
787
00:52:34,560 --> 00:52:35,040
About me?
788
00:52:35,080 --> 00:52:39,080
Yeah, just a little, short,
itty-bitty blurb about tonight's game.
789
00:52:39,160 --> 00:52:41,440
Well, uh, can I see you
after the road trip?
790
00:52:41,480 --> 00:52:44,760
I would love to, but I'm...
I'm working on a really big,
791
00:52:44,840 --> 00:52:50,080
huge, enormous story on the N.F.L.,
so I probably won't have time.
792
00:52:50,120 --> 00:52:53,840
Oh, shoot. I understand.
You gotta give 110%.
793
00:52:53,920 --> 00:52:55,760
- Right.
- Stay within yourself.
794
00:52:55,840 --> 00:52:59,360
Hey, oh, yeah.
Hey, um, thanks for your time.
795
00:53:01,960 --> 00:53:04,280
So long. Oh...
796
00:53:05,320 --> 00:53:09,000
What the hell?
Oh, damn the Devil.
797
00:53:09,080 --> 00:53:11,080
Damn the Devil to Hell!
798
00:53:11,160 --> 00:53:14,200
Oh, shoot! Darn it!
799
00:53:14,280 --> 00:53:17,280
Where the heck did
I put that...
800
00:53:23,400 --> 00:53:26,680
five, five, five.
[Growls]
801
00:53:26,760 --> 00:53:30,080
Seven, seven, seven.
Come on! Oh!
802
00:53:30,120 --> 00:53:32,520
[Grumbling]
803
00:53:34,000 --> 00:53:36,080
[Screams]
804
00:53:36,160 --> 00:53:38,000
Duh! Six, six...
805
00:53:40,040 --> 00:53:41,400
Now what are you doing?
806
00:53:41,400 --> 00:53:45,000
You seem so upset, Elliot.
Do you want something to relax?
807
00:53:45,080 --> 00:53:49,160
You bet I'm upset. You gave me,
like, this little teeny-weeny winkie.
808
00:53:49,240 --> 00:53:52,560
Well, that's easily fixed,
you know. Now then, let's see.
809
00:53:52,640 --> 00:53:55,560
Here's some M&Ms
for room 320.
810
00:53:55,640 --> 00:53:59,240
- Red Hots for 316.
- You're giving them candy?
811
00:53:59,320 --> 00:54:03,320
Placebos. They work just as well as
the real thing. It's a scientific fact.
812
00:54:03,400 --> 00:54:06,400
You can't give sick people
Tic Tacs!
813
00:54:06,440 --> 00:54:10,120
Sick people have notoriously bad breath.
I'm performing a public service here.
814
00:54:10,200 --> 00:54:12,040
Now then,
about your next wish.
815
00:54:14,080 --> 00:54:16,160
All right, okay. Um...
816
00:54:16,200 --> 00:54:19,680
Well, I wanna be smart.
817
00:54:19,760 --> 00:54:24,280
No, I wanna be really smart.
And I wanna be able to talk good... well.
818
00:54:24,360 --> 00:54:27,000
- What is the word...
- "Articulate"?
819
00:54:27,080 --> 00:54:29,680
Articulate. Yeah.
I wanna be articulate.
820
00:54:29,760 --> 00:54:33,160
And I wanna be witty
and sophisticated, charming.
821
00:54:33,240 --> 00:54:35,320
I wanna know everything
about everything...
822
00:54:35,400 --> 00:54:38,800
and I wanna be popular
and I wanna be good-looking.
823
00:54:38,880 --> 00:54:40,720
No, no, make that
great-looking.
824
00:54:40,800 --> 00:54:44,040
And I want Alison to fall absolutely
head over heels in love with me.
825
00:54:44,120 --> 00:54:47,280
- Anything else?
- Like what?
826
00:54:47,360 --> 00:54:49,200
Like winkie-wise?
827
00:54:49,280 --> 00:54:53,080
Oh, right. Um...
828
00:54:53,160 --> 00:54:55,280
Yeah, well, um,
829
00:54:55,360 --> 00:54:58,080
I wanna be...
I wanna be big.
830
00:54:58,120 --> 00:55:02,480
Not like practical joke big,
but, you know, sort of...
831
00:55:04,280 --> 00:55:06,200
Yeah, like that.
Is that clear?
832
00:55:06,280 --> 00:55:09,280
Crystal. You just say "I wish"
and I'll fill in the rest.
833
00:55:09,320 --> 00:55:11,200
Okay.
834
00:55:11,240 --> 00:55:13,920
I wish that I was witty
and articulate...
835
00:55:13,960 --> 00:55:17,240
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
You've got it, smarty-pants.
836
00:55:17,320 --> 00:55:20,640
Take two of these
and call me in the morning.
837
00:55:36,760 --> 00:55:38,760
[Woman]
Oh, Elliot!
838
00:55:38,840 --> 00:55:41,840
Oh, it so wonderful
to see you, darling.
839
00:55:44,520 --> 00:55:47,440
Oh, New York has been so
deadly dull without you.
840
00:55:47,440 --> 00:55:48,520
Where have you been?
841
00:55:48,600 --> 00:55:51,680
Oh, out in the Hamptons, of course.
Up to my ears in my new book.
842
00:55:51,760 --> 00:55:55,520
Another one? You've written
four books in three years. My God.
843
00:55:55,560 --> 00:55:58,240
- What's this one about?
- Oh, same old, same old.
844
00:55:58,280 --> 00:55:59,920
It's a critical deconstruction
of the Neo-Romantic period
845
00:55:59,920 --> 00:56:00,520
in art and literature...
846
00:56:00,600 --> 00:56:02,840
from the political
and economic perspective
847
00:56:02,880 --> 00:56:04,240
of the Industrial Revolution.
848
00:56:04,320 --> 00:56:06,720
I can't imagine
who reads this stuff!
849
00:56:08,160 --> 00:56:10,480
Well, Elliot,
the critics, apparently.
850
00:56:10,560 --> 00:56:14,560
It's already won the Pulitzer Prize
and it hasn't even been published yet.
851
00:56:14,600 --> 00:56:16,640
Well, like they say,
Dr. Oingegedaydegegedaybaba,
852
00:56:16,680 --> 00:56:19,440
a Pulitzer Prize and $3.50
will get you a cafe latte.
853
00:56:21,200 --> 00:56:24,280
So modest. Darling, you
really should get around.
854
00:56:24,280 --> 00:56:25,920
Everyone's dying to see you.
855
00:56:25,960 --> 00:56:27,840
Mingle.
856
00:56:33,000 --> 00:56:35,320
Oh, darling, you look fabulous.
Badgely Mishka?
857
00:56:35,400 --> 00:56:39,080
- What a charming man. Who is that?
- Oh, that's Elliot Richards.
858
00:56:39,120 --> 00:56:43,240
He's a very successful writer.
He's a very successful everything,
859
00:56:43,320 --> 00:56:45,280
as a matter of fact.
860
00:56:45,360 --> 00:56:48,840
That's Elliot Richards?
Oh, I've read all his books.
861
00:56:48,920 --> 00:56:51,400
He's brilliant.
I had no idea he was so handsome.
862
00:56:51,480 --> 00:56:53,800
Well, why don't you
go over and talk to him?
863
00:56:53,880 --> 00:56:56,600
- I couldn't. What would I say?
- I wouldn't worry about that.
864
00:56:56,680 --> 00:57:00,480
Just, uh, let him
do all the talking.
865
00:57:00,520 --> 00:57:04,440
It's a common misapprehension that the
word "gin" comes from the city Geneva.
866
00:57:04,520 --> 00:57:06,560
Actually, the word "geneva"...
small "g"...
867
00:57:06,640 --> 00:57:10,520
is a corruption of genievre, which
of course is french for "juniper,"
868
00:57:10,600 --> 00:57:13,080
the wonderful berry that flavors
this miraculous libation.
869
00:57:13,160 --> 00:57:15,640
[Guests Chuckling]
870
00:57:15,720 --> 00:57:18,280
Speaking of miraculous.
871
00:57:18,360 --> 00:57:20,400
I'm Elliot Richards.
How do you do?
872
00:57:20,480 --> 00:57:24,240
I know who you are.
I'm Alison Gardner.
873
00:57:24,320 --> 00:57:29,000
I just had to tell you how much
I loved your novel Always Toujours.
874
00:57:29,040 --> 00:57:32,240
Well, I was just trying
to make a simple point really.
875
00:57:32,320 --> 00:57:35,040
Every time I've reread
Camus and Sartre,
876
00:57:35,080 --> 00:57:36,960
I kept thinking to myself,
877
00:57:37,000 --> 00:57:40,880
"Why does the existential dilemma
have to be so damn bleak?"
878
00:57:40,960 --> 00:57:43,840
- Yes.
- Yes, we're alone in the universe.
879
00:57:43,920 --> 00:57:46,360
Yes, life is meaningless,
death is inevitable.
880
00:57:46,440 --> 00:57:48,400
But is that necessarily
so depressing?
881
00:57:48,480 --> 00:57:50,440
I couldn't agree more.
882
00:57:51,680 --> 00:57:54,160
Don't you think
that secular humanism is yummy?
883
00:57:54,240 --> 00:57:56,080
Ooh, delish.
884
00:58:03,240 --> 00:58:05,480
My, my.
885
00:58:05,520 --> 00:58:07,800
They say that alcohol
is a disinhibitor
886
00:58:07,800 --> 00:58:10,200
and it seems to be
working very well on me.
887
00:58:10,280 --> 00:58:12,120
Me too.
888
00:58:13,680 --> 00:58:16,160
What an exquisite feeling.
889
00:58:16,200 --> 00:58:21,080
Every cell in my body just wants
to reach out and touch someone.
890
00:58:21,160 --> 00:58:23,880
Yes, it's incredible, isn't it?
891
00:58:23,920 --> 00:58:25,880
Mm-hmm.
892
00:58:25,960 --> 00:58:28,360
Thy physiology of touch.
893
00:58:29,920 --> 00:58:33,120
Just below your epidermis,
concentrated in your fingertips,
894
00:58:35,040 --> 00:58:38,040
the palms of your hands,
895
00:58:38,120 --> 00:58:40,760
the soles of your feet,
896
00:58:40,840 --> 00:58:44,080
the clitoris, nipples, penis,
897
00:58:45,240 --> 00:58:48,760
lips, tongue.
898
00:58:48,840 --> 00:58:51,440
Thousands and thousands of tiny
little Meissner's corpuscles...
899
00:58:51,520 --> 00:58:55,480
all deliciously sensitive
to even the slightest caress...
900
00:58:55,600 --> 00:59:00,080
sending all those tiny little
endorphin-producing pleasure messages...
901
00:59:00,160 --> 00:59:02,480
to the hypothalamus...
902
00:59:03,520 --> 00:59:05,520
the primitive brain.
903
00:59:05,600 --> 00:59:07,880
I'm tingling all over.
904
00:59:09,120 --> 00:59:11,960
Do you know the largest organ
in the human body?
905
00:59:13,360 --> 00:59:15,400
I can guess.
906
00:59:15,480 --> 00:59:17,320
You'd be wrong.
907
00:59:18,240 --> 00:59:20,840
It's your integumentary system.
908
00:59:20,920 --> 00:59:23,360
Your...
909
00:59:23,440 --> 00:59:25,280
creamy...
910
00:59:25,360 --> 00:59:27,880
soft...
911
00:59:27,960 --> 00:59:31,080
and completely desirable skin.
912
00:59:32,280 --> 00:59:35,480
- Can we go to your place?
- Mais certainment.
913
00:59:39,960 --> 00:59:41,800
[Alison Giggling]
914
00:59:41,880 --> 00:59:44,400
Oh, this is so perfect.
915
00:59:44,440 --> 00:59:47,040
Everything here
absolutely screams...
916
00:59:47,120 --> 00:59:50,000
"Elliot Richards."
917
00:59:50,080 --> 00:59:52,680
Actually, most of the screaming...
918
00:59:52,760 --> 00:59:54,600
takes place...
919
00:59:56,520 --> 00:59:58,360
in the bedroom.
920
01:00:00,680 --> 01:00:02,960
[Gasps, Sighs]
921
01:00:03,000 --> 01:00:06,200
## [Classical]
922
01:00:09,000 --> 01:00:12,720
- ## [Record Scratches]
- What the hell is going on, Mary?
923
01:00:12,760 --> 01:00:15,400
- Who are you?
- Don't play games with me, Mr. Richards.
924
01:00:15,480 --> 01:00:19,240
I'm in no mood.
I've been out of my mind all night.
925
01:00:19,320 --> 01:00:23,040
- Oh, my God.
- Hi.
926
01:00:23,120 --> 01:00:25,800
Who's your little friend?
927
01:00:25,880 --> 01:00:29,520
- Maybe I should be running along.
- Wait. This is a mistake. I'm not gay.
928
01:00:29,560 --> 01:00:33,360
Oh, really?
And I'm Tony Danza!
929
01:00:33,400 --> 01:00:36,480
- Honestly, I swear it. I'm not.
- Then tell me,
930
01:00:36,560 --> 01:00:39,320
who was in the Broadway cast
of The Pajama Game?
931
01:00:39,400 --> 01:00:42,120
Janis Paige, John Raitt,
Eddy Foy, Jr.
932
01:00:42,200 --> 01:00:43,560
I assume you mean the original cast
933
01:00:43,560 --> 01:00:45,520
because there was a revival
in 1973 that starred...
934
01:00:45,600 --> 01:00:48,400
Hal Linden and Barbara McNair...
I am gay!
935
01:00:48,440 --> 01:00:50,560
- I rest my case.
- [Elliot] Wait.
936
01:00:50,640 --> 01:00:53,680
I can prove to you
that I am not gay. Kiss me.
937
01:00:53,720 --> 01:00:56,760
Oh! This is just sad!
938
01:00:56,840 --> 01:01:01,320
Will you shut up, bitch!
Please, Alison, let me kiss you.
939
01:01:01,400 --> 01:01:04,400
Remember the champagne
and the corpuscles?
940
01:01:04,440 --> 01:01:06,680
All right, Elliot, kiss me.
941
01:01:09,760 --> 01:01:12,520
[Groans]
942
01:01:17,520 --> 01:01:19,840
I'm gay. Well, thanks
for dropping by.
943
01:01:19,920 --> 01:01:21,880
- Good night.
- All right.
944
01:01:21,960 --> 01:01:24,880
Bu-bye.
945
01:01:24,960 --> 01:01:27,280
You've been drinking again,
haven't you?
946
01:01:27,360 --> 01:01:30,840
This is like the night you had
all those Brandy Alexanders
947
01:01:30,840 --> 01:01:32,720
and ran up and down Fire Island...
948
01:01:32,800 --> 01:01:35,280
with your cute little Speedos
singing "Evergreen."
949
01:01:37,680 --> 01:01:41,440
And so the cow was returned
to its rightful owner.
950
01:01:41,520 --> 01:01:44,120
- Okay, boys, tonight's homework.
- [Class Groans]
951
01:01:44,200 --> 01:01:47,760
Algebra. "X" to the nth plus "Y"
to the nth equals "Z" to the nth.
952
01:01:47,840 --> 01:01:51,160
You're never gonna
use that, are you?
953
01:01:52,880 --> 01:01:55,600
"Imperialism and the first World War."
954
01:01:55,640 --> 01:01:58,640
Well, what's done is done, I say.
No point in thinking about it now.
955
01:01:58,720 --> 01:02:01,480
"German, french, Spanish."
956
01:02:01,560 --> 01:02:05,040
Ja, ja. Oui, oui.
Si, si. It's nonsense.
957
01:02:05,120 --> 01:02:07,920
Everyone speaks English anyway.
And if they don't, they ought to.
958
01:02:09,560 --> 01:02:11,480
So, no homework tonight.
959
01:02:13,240 --> 01:02:15,480
But I want you to watch
a lot of television,
960
01:02:15,480 --> 01:02:16,960
don't neglect your video games...
961
01:02:17,040 --> 01:02:21,320
and I'll see you in the morning,
shall we say, 10:00, 10:30?
962
01:02:21,400 --> 01:02:23,240
No point in getting up
too early, is there?
963
01:02:23,320 --> 01:02:26,480
[Bell Ringing]
964
01:02:30,840 --> 01:02:35,000
Elliot, darling.
What a lovely surprise.
965
01:02:35,080 --> 01:02:38,080
- I hope you had a pleasant evening.
- As if you didn't know.
966
01:02:38,160 --> 01:02:42,000
Oh, I'm sorry, darling. I know it
must be really frustrating for you.
967
01:02:42,080 --> 01:02:44,200
I'll make it up to you somehow.
968
01:02:44,200 --> 01:02:47,600
Oh, yeah, you've been
a really big help so far.
969
01:02:47,680 --> 01:02:50,520
I know. I've been
really naughty, haven't I?
970
01:02:50,560 --> 01:02:53,200
Maybe a good spanking's in order.
971
01:02:53,280 --> 01:02:56,480
Is that all you ever think about?
Do you think everything is about sex?
972
01:02:56,560 --> 01:02:59,560
No, of course not.
I mean, there's greed, gluttony,
973
01:02:59,640 --> 01:03:02,680
sloth, anger, vanity, envy.
974
01:03:02,760 --> 01:03:04,800
No, there's also honesty
and hard work...
975
01:03:04,880 --> 01:03:08,160
and caring about people and
doing good for somebody else.
976
01:03:08,240 --> 01:03:11,680
Oh. You're just
a big Boy Scout, aren't you?
977
01:03:12,800 --> 01:03:14,680
I find that
incredibly appealing.
978
01:03:14,760 --> 01:03:17,320
No! All I've been doing
is thinking about myself.
979
01:03:17,400 --> 01:03:20,720
I could be doing all these really
important things to help other people.
980
01:03:20,800 --> 01:03:24,400
- What about Alison?
- Oh, I don't know anymore.
981
01:03:24,440 --> 01:03:28,000
You mess it up anyway. I know that
Alison's not really like that.
982
01:03:28,080 --> 01:03:30,400
What exactly do you
have in mind?
983
01:03:30,480 --> 01:03:33,720
I wanna do something
great for mankind.
984
01:03:33,800 --> 01:03:35,680
I wanna help create
a better world.
985
01:03:35,760 --> 01:03:39,320
I wanna go down in history for doing
something really, really important...
986
01:03:39,400 --> 01:03:42,920
and I want Alison to take me really
seriously and to treat me with respect.
987
01:03:43,000 --> 01:03:45,520
I sense a wish coming on.
988
01:03:47,080 --> 01:03:49,120
Yes!
989
01:03:50,720 --> 01:03:54,120
I wish that I was the President
of the United States.
990
01:03:55,560 --> 01:04:00,240
That is the noblest,
most unselfish thing I've ever heard.
991
01:04:00,320 --> 01:04:02,120
And it's a great way
to meet girls.
992
01:04:02,200 --> 01:04:04,800
Bless you, Elliot Richards,
993
01:04:04,880 --> 01:04:07,920
and Godspeed.
994
01:04:11,640 --> 01:04:15,560
Mr. President. Alison Gardner.
995
01:04:15,640 --> 01:04:18,080
We're so honored
to have you here, sir.
996
01:04:19,120 --> 01:04:20,880
[Gasps]
997
01:04:22,360 --> 01:04:25,640
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no.
998
01:04:25,720 --> 01:04:29,760
The actors are beside themselves
with excitement.
999
01:04:29,840 --> 01:04:32,040
We're going to a play?
1000
01:04:32,120 --> 01:04:33,960
I think you'll find it
quite amusing.
1001
01:04:34,040 --> 01:04:36,480
It's called Our American Cousin.
1002
01:04:36,560 --> 01:04:39,080
I think I've already seen it.
As a matter of fact, I'm sure I have.
1003
01:04:39,160 --> 01:04:42,280
I don't think you've seen it, sir.
It's an entirely new play.
1004
01:04:42,360 --> 01:04:45,040
Really? I think I know
how it ends, anyway.
1005
01:04:45,080 --> 01:04:47,160
- Can't we just go to a movie?
- A what?
1006
01:04:47,240 --> 01:04:50,800
- [Announcer] The President!
- ## ["Hail To The Chief"]
1007
01:04:53,880 --> 01:04:56,400
[Champagne Cork Pops]
1008
01:04:56,440 --> 01:04:59,480
You seem tense tonight,
Mr. President.
1009
01:04:59,560 --> 01:05:01,960
Oh, well, you know,
I have a lot on my mind,
1010
01:05:02,040 --> 01:05:06,280
what, with preserving the Union
and my wife going crazy and all.
1011
01:05:06,360 --> 01:05:09,160
[Audience Applauding]
1012
01:05:10,360 --> 01:05:13,200
Can I help you find something,
Mr. President?
1013
01:05:13,240 --> 01:05:15,640
Yeah, I'm looking
for my pager.
1014
01:05:15,680 --> 01:05:18,640
- Your what, sir?
- My pager. It's this...
1015
01:05:18,720 --> 01:05:20,800
little red plastic thingy.
1016
01:05:20,880 --> 01:05:23,840
Looks kind of like
a cell phone, only smaller.
1017
01:05:23,920 --> 01:05:26,320
- [Groans]
- I'm sorry! Sorry!
1018
01:05:30,160 --> 01:05:33,040
Ha! Ha! All right.
No problem. No problem!
1019
01:05:33,120 --> 01:05:35,600
No problem! No problem.
1020
01:05:35,680 --> 01:05:38,400
Sic semper tyrannis!
1021
01:05:38,480 --> 01:05:40,480
Wait!
1022
01:05:40,560 --> 01:05:42,400
Okay.
1023
01:05:42,480 --> 01:05:43,920
- [Gunshot]
- [Screams]
1024
01:05:43,920 --> 01:05:44,480
- [Gunshot]
- [Screams]
1025
01:05:52,520 --> 01:05:54,360
[Clears Throat]
1026
01:05:58,680 --> 01:06:00,000
You're late, Richards.
1027
01:06:00,000 --> 01:06:03,320
Uh, yes, sir. I'm very sorry.
It won't happen again.
1028
01:06:03,400 --> 01:06:06,680
See that it doesn't. I don't think
a person with your extremely limited...
1029
01:06:06,760 --> 01:06:09,880
personal and professional skills
can afford to push the envelope.
1030
01:06:09,960 --> 01:06:12,280
Yes, sir.
1031
01:06:14,600 --> 01:06:16,440
Thank you, sir.
1032
01:06:24,160 --> 01:06:26,360
- Creep.
- [Typing]
1033
01:06:26,440 --> 01:06:29,760
So, tell me, how was it?
I'm dying to know.
1034
01:06:29,840 --> 01:06:31,680
What are you doing here?
1035
01:06:31,760 --> 01:06:33,760
Just think of me
as a computer virus.
1036
01:06:33,840 --> 01:06:36,200
I think of you as a plague.
1037
01:06:36,280 --> 01:06:40,400
Now, will you get off
my screen? I have work to do.
1038
01:06:40,440 --> 01:06:43,120
Whoa. What's this whole
"get thee behind me" thing?
1039
01:06:43,200 --> 01:06:45,960
We still have business
here, Mr. Richards.
1040
01:06:46,040 --> 01:06:48,320
No, not now.
I told you, I've got work to do.
1041
01:06:48,400 --> 01:06:51,000
And besides, I've only got two wishes
left and I don't wanna screw 'em up.
1042
01:06:51,080 --> 01:06:53,520
Correction.
You have one wish left.
1043
01:06:56,040 --> 01:06:58,320
Nice try.
I've got two more coming.
1044
01:06:58,360 --> 01:07:00,440
Nuh-uh. Count 'em, baby.
1045
01:07:00,520 --> 01:07:03,200
You were President
of the United States.
1046
01:07:03,200 --> 01:07:04,080
Yeah, okay, one.
1047
01:07:04,120 --> 01:07:05,680
You were a charming, handsome,
1048
01:07:05,680 --> 01:07:07,920
articulate, celebrated
author and raconteur.
1049
01:07:08,000 --> 01:07:10,960
Uh-huh, yeah. And you turned me
into a flaming homosexual.
1050
01:07:11,000 --> 01:07:13,280
- Professional basketball player.
- Three.
1051
01:07:13,360 --> 01:07:15,280
The sensitive, caring,
artistic guy was four.
1052
01:07:15,360 --> 01:07:17,720
And the Columbian drug lord was five.
That means I have two more coming.
1053
01:07:17,800 --> 01:07:19,720
You forgot the Big Mac
and Coke.
1054
01:07:19,800 --> 01:07:22,000
What? That wasn't a wish.
1055
01:07:22,040 --> 01:07:25,000
What do you call it? You said,
"I wish," and I got it for you.
1056
01:07:25,000 --> 01:07:26,160
Sounds like a wish to me.
1057
01:07:26,200 --> 01:07:28,480
No! No, no, no.
No, that's not fair!
1058
01:07:28,560 --> 01:07:31,120
Fair? Who do you think
you're talking to?
1059
01:07:31,200 --> 01:07:34,120
I don't recall anybody ever
accusing me of being fair before.
1060
01:07:34,200 --> 01:07:35,400
I think I'm insulted.
1061
01:07:35,400 --> 01:07:38,240
What? No, this isn't right.
You can't do this.
1062
01:07:38,320 --> 01:07:40,160
Well, what are you gonna
do about it? Sue me?
1063
01:07:40,240 --> 01:07:45,120
No, that's it! I've had it with you.
The whole deal is off.
1064
01:07:45,200 --> 01:07:47,040
Off!
1065
01:07:48,080 --> 01:07:50,000
Shut up!
1066
01:07:50,040 --> 01:07:52,240
## [Pipe Organ]
1067
01:08:04,680 --> 01:08:06,720
Are you all right?
1068
01:08:06,800 --> 01:08:09,160
Uh, not really.
1069
01:08:09,240 --> 01:08:10,960
Uh...
1070
01:08:11,000 --> 01:08:13,560
I need to talk to God.
1071
01:08:13,640 --> 01:08:17,920
That's the power of prayer. Just say
what's in your heart and He hears.
1072
01:08:18,000 --> 01:08:22,920
No, you don't understand.
I really need to talk to Him now.
1073
01:08:23,000 --> 01:08:26,840
- It's urgent.
- Is it something you could tell me?
1074
01:08:26,920 --> 01:08:30,280
Um, no, it's personal.
1075
01:08:30,360 --> 01:08:33,080
There's nothing you could say
that I wouldn't understand.
1076
01:08:33,160 --> 01:08:35,240
Um...
1077
01:08:35,320 --> 01:08:37,440
Why don't you just try me?
1078
01:08:37,520 --> 01:08:41,040
Okay, a few days ago I sold my soul
to the Devil for seven wishes.
1079
01:08:41,080 --> 01:08:43,480
I've already had five of them,
but the Devil says I've had six,
1080
01:08:43,520 --> 01:08:47,440
but I'm not counting
the Big Mac and Coke and she is
and I don't think that's fair.
1081
01:08:47,480 --> 01:08:49,280
Do you?
1082
01:08:52,040 --> 01:08:54,400
- This is so unnecessary.
- You're coming downtown with us.
1083
01:08:54,480 --> 01:08:56,960
I'm telling you, the Devil
gypped me for a hamburger!
1084
01:08:56,960 --> 01:08:58,520
Tell your story to the sergeant.
1085
01:08:58,600 --> 01:09:00,960
So, do you have
a copy of this contract?
1086
01:09:01,040 --> 01:09:03,360
No. I told you,
she keeps it in her office.
1087
01:09:03,440 --> 01:09:06,200
- At this nightclub in Oakland?
- Yes, at a nightclub,
1088
01:09:06,240 --> 01:09:08,240
and no I can't tell you
where it is.
1089
01:09:08,280 --> 01:09:10,240
Because you promised
the Devil you wouldn't?
1090
01:09:10,320 --> 01:09:12,240
No, because she drove,
that's why!
1091
01:09:12,320 --> 01:09:15,360
Right, in a Lamborghini Diablo.
1092
01:09:15,440 --> 01:09:18,000
- Look, Officer...
- Sergeant.
1093
01:09:18,080 --> 01:09:21,920
Sergeant, I know my rights. I don't
have to talk to you without a lawyer.
1094
01:09:22,000 --> 01:09:24,280
So, you either book me
or you let me go.
1095
01:09:24,360 --> 01:09:28,440
Gee, are those my choices?
Oh, what do I do, what do I do?
1096
01:09:28,520 --> 01:09:31,440
I choose "book you."
Throw him in the lockup.
1097
01:09:31,520 --> 01:09:34,240
Arraignment in the morning.
Drunk and disorderly.
1098
01:09:34,240 --> 01:09:34,920
What? Hey!
1099
01:09:35,000 --> 01:09:37,680
- Recommending psychiatric evaluation.
- It's her! She's the Devil!
1100
01:09:37,720 --> 01:09:41,160
One more word out of you and I'll pop
you one, you goddamn wacko bastard.
1101
01:09:41,240 --> 01:09:43,920
Now, move it.
1102
01:09:49,680 --> 01:09:52,080
Spread 'em.
1103
01:09:52,160 --> 01:09:54,640
There's no point
fighting about this.
1104
01:09:54,720 --> 01:09:58,480
You have to learn
to accept the inevitable.
1105
01:09:58,520 --> 01:10:02,880
We're all doomed anyway, so you might
as well just get with the program,
1106
01:10:02,960 --> 01:10:05,720
wish your way out of here
and move on.
1107
01:10:08,440 --> 01:10:13,040
I wasn't kidding when I said
I liked you. I do, Elliot.
1108
01:10:13,080 --> 01:10:16,080
I think you have
massive potential.
1109
01:10:16,120 --> 01:10:19,280
If you're looking
at an eternity in Hell,
1110
01:10:19,360 --> 01:10:23,720
let me tell you, it wouldn't hurt
to have a friend like me.
1111
01:10:31,200 --> 01:10:34,920
So you just think about that
and give me a call when you're ready.
1112
01:10:37,880 --> 01:10:39,760
[Cell Door Shuts]
1113
01:10:42,520 --> 01:10:44,640
[Man]
She's the devil, that one.
1114
01:10:44,720 --> 01:10:46,560
What?
1115
01:10:52,760 --> 01:10:54,600
I said, she's the devil,
that lady cop.
1116
01:10:54,680 --> 01:10:56,520
Oh.
1117
01:10:58,360 --> 01:11:00,600
Yeah, I guess.
1118
01:11:00,680 --> 01:11:04,720
- So, what you in for, brother?
- Eternity.
1119
01:11:04,760 --> 01:11:08,360
Ooh. That's a long time.
1120
01:11:08,440 --> 01:11:10,520
You must've did
some really bad shit.
1121
01:11:10,600 --> 01:11:12,440
Yeah.
1122
01:11:13,480 --> 01:11:15,520
I sold my soul.
1123
01:11:15,600 --> 01:11:17,680
Hope you got something
good for it.
1124
01:11:17,720 --> 01:11:20,000
As a matter of fact,
I got nothing for it.
1125
01:11:20,080 --> 01:11:22,680
That's a really bad deal,
if you ask me.
1126
01:11:24,600 --> 01:11:26,920
I'm not asking you.
1127
01:11:31,160 --> 01:11:33,760
Doesn't really matter, though.
1128
01:11:33,840 --> 01:11:36,920
- You can't sell your soul, anyway.
- Oh, really?
1129
01:11:37,000 --> 01:11:39,160
Why do you say that?
1130
01:11:39,240 --> 01:11:43,400
Doesn't really belong to you
in the first place. No way, no how.
1131
01:11:44,600 --> 01:11:46,800
So, who does it belong to?
1132
01:11:50,800 --> 01:11:53,040
It belongs to God,
1133
01:11:53,120 --> 01:11:57,240
that universal spirit that animates
and binds all things in existence.
1134
01:11:59,560 --> 01:12:01,400
The Devil gonna
try to confuse you.
1135
01:12:01,480 --> 01:12:03,320
But that's her gig.
1136
01:12:03,400 --> 01:12:06,880
But in the end, you're gonna see
clear to who and what you are
1137
01:12:06,880 --> 01:12:08,360
and what you're here to do.
1138
01:12:08,440 --> 01:12:11,600
Now, you're gonna make some mistakes
along the way. Everybody does.
1139
01:12:11,680 --> 01:12:14,160
But if you just open up
your heart...
1140
01:12:14,200 --> 01:12:16,680
and open up your mind,
1141
01:12:16,760 --> 01:12:18,640
you'll get it.
1142
01:12:19,800 --> 01:12:21,880
Who are you?
1143
01:12:24,920 --> 01:12:26,920
Just a friend, brother.
1144
01:12:27,000 --> 01:12:29,360
Just a really good friend.
1145
01:13:19,160 --> 01:13:21,040
## [Techno Dance]
1146
01:13:32,120 --> 01:13:34,080
[Chattering]
1147
01:13:38,760 --> 01:13:42,560
[Crowd Shouting]
Elliot! Elliot!
1148
01:13:42,600 --> 01:13:44,760
[Man]
You the man, Elliot!
1149
01:13:44,840 --> 01:13:49,320
Elliot, darling.
So nice of you to drop by.
1150
01:13:49,400 --> 01:13:51,640
- Come into my office.
- [Muttering]
1151
01:13:51,720 --> 01:13:55,160
Oh, don't worry about them, darling.
They're having a fabulous time.
1152
01:13:55,240 --> 01:13:57,720
Pathetic, aren't they?
1153
01:13:57,800 --> 01:14:03,160
Everybody wants to go to the party,
but nobody wants to pay the piper.
1154
01:14:03,240 --> 01:14:03,920
Are you...
1155
01:14:03,920 --> 01:14:07,920
Don't get too excited.
It's just a Halloween costume.
1156
01:14:08,000 --> 01:14:10,800
Anyway, Elliot, my darling,
have you thought of your last wish?
1157
01:14:10,880 --> 01:14:11,080
No.
1158
01:14:11,080 --> 01:14:15,040
I hate to put a rush on this,
but there is a time limit.
1159
01:14:15,080 --> 01:14:17,200
Read your contract.
1160
01:14:25,440 --> 01:14:27,760
I really don't want another wish.
1161
01:14:27,840 --> 01:14:31,280
[Scoffs] That's funny.
Do you think this halo's too much?
1162
01:14:31,360 --> 01:14:34,840
No. I really don't want it.
1163
01:14:37,080 --> 01:14:41,040
What do you mean, you don't want it?
You get seven wishes.
1164
01:14:41,120 --> 01:14:43,000
There's nothing I want.
1165
01:14:44,240 --> 01:14:46,080
Well, there are things
that I want,
1166
01:14:46,160 --> 01:14:48,120
but nothing
that you can give me.
1167
01:14:48,200 --> 01:14:51,200
What is that supposed to mean?
1168
01:14:51,240 --> 01:14:53,440
Well, um,
1169
01:14:53,480 --> 01:14:57,000
last night when I was lying in jail,
I was talking to this guy,
1170
01:14:57,080 --> 01:14:59,800
I realized that wishing
just doesn't work.
1171
01:14:59,880 --> 01:15:01,720
All my life I wished
to be better looking,
1172
01:15:01,800 --> 01:15:04,600
to be richer, to be successful,
talented, whatever.
1173
01:15:04,680 --> 01:15:05,360
And I always thought,
1174
01:15:05,360 --> 01:15:07,440
"Wouldn't it be great if someone
could just wave a magic wand...
1175
01:15:07,520 --> 01:15:09,360
and make that happen."
1176
01:15:09,440 --> 01:15:12,120
Well, I realized that
it doesn't work by magic.
1177
01:15:12,200 --> 01:15:14,840
I think I'm gonna be sick.
1178
01:15:16,160 --> 01:15:18,560
I've been starting
to think that...
1179
01:15:18,640 --> 01:15:22,040
it really isn't that important
how far we go in life anyway.
1180
01:15:22,080 --> 01:15:24,080
It's how we get there
that really matters.
1181
01:15:24,160 --> 01:15:26,000
Oh.
1182
01:15:26,080 --> 01:15:29,320
Do you know,
that is so inspiring.
1183
01:15:30,680 --> 01:15:32,600
So, it's okay?
1184
01:15:32,640 --> 01:15:35,360
Well, no, Elliot.
I'm afraid it's not okay.
1185
01:15:35,440 --> 01:15:39,440
A deal's a deal. You get
one more wish and I get your soul.
1186
01:15:39,520 --> 01:15:42,320
So, let's just get on
with it, shall we?
1187
01:15:42,400 --> 01:15:44,760
- I'm not gonna do it.
- Oh, really?
1188
01:15:44,840 --> 01:15:47,360
Well, before you get all hinky,
I think I should warn you,
1189
01:15:47,440 --> 01:15:49,680
I'm not all peaches
and cream, you know.
1190
01:15:49,760 --> 01:15:53,360
I do have a darker side,
and believe me, it's not pretty.
1191
01:15:53,440 --> 01:15:56,120
Now, you can go easy
or you can go hard,
1192
01:15:56,200 --> 01:15:59,160
but one way or another
I will get your soul!
1193
01:15:59,240 --> 01:16:01,240
I'm not gonna do it.
1194
01:16:01,320 --> 01:16:04,360
There's nothing that you can
say or do that will make me.
1195
01:16:04,440 --> 01:16:06,280
Oh, I think you'll
change your mind.
1196
01:16:06,360 --> 01:16:09,280
I'm just gonna slip into something
a little more terrifying.
1197
01:16:09,280 --> 01:16:09,920
See you in Hell!
1198
01:16:11,160 --> 01:16:14,080
- [Screaming]
- [Roaring]
1199
01:16:17,320 --> 01:16:19,520
- [Roaring]
- Wait, wait, wait.
1200
01:16:19,600 --> 01:16:22,520
Wait a minute! Wait!
[Screams]
1201
01:16:22,600 --> 01:16:25,680
Wait!
[Screaming]
1202
01:16:25,760 --> 01:16:28,840
Now listen to me,
you disgusting little maggot!
1203
01:16:28,920 --> 01:16:33,200
This is your last chance
before the big weenie roast.
1204
01:16:33,280 --> 01:16:36,320
Make a wish or
forever burn in Hell!
1205
01:16:36,400 --> 01:16:38,480
Okay! Okay!
1206
01:16:38,560 --> 01:16:41,000
I wish...
1207
01:16:41,080 --> 01:16:43,680
I wish that Alison
has a happy life.
1208
01:16:43,760 --> 01:16:45,920
Oh, God.
1209
01:16:46,000 --> 01:16:48,160
[Screaming]
1210
01:17:10,200 --> 01:17:13,920
- Is this Heaven?
- Heaven? God, no, it's the courthouse.
1211
01:17:13,960 --> 01:17:18,880
I'm just meeting a couple of lawyers
for lunch... clients of mine. Come on.
1212
01:17:18,960 --> 01:17:21,120
Well, wait.
1213
01:17:21,200 --> 01:17:23,200
What happened to the whole...
1214
01:17:23,280 --> 01:17:27,080
you know, fire and
the big horny guy with the...
1215
01:17:27,160 --> 01:17:29,480
Oh, just a few special effects.
1216
01:17:29,560 --> 01:17:32,080
Sort of the Universal Studios
Tour of Evil.
1217
01:17:32,160 --> 01:17:35,760
Normally it works pretty well,
but evidently you weren't going for it.
1218
01:17:35,840 --> 01:17:38,040
That last wish of yours
was a deal breaker.
1219
01:17:38,040 --> 01:17:38,400
What?
1220
01:17:38,440 --> 01:17:40,640
Nobody ever reads the contract.
1221
01:17:40,720 --> 01:17:45,440
Article 147, paragraph 9, subsection 3:
"Selfless Acts of Redemption."
1222
01:17:45,520 --> 01:17:48,040
- Huh?
- Basically, it says...
1223
01:17:48,120 --> 01:17:51,000
if you commit one truly benevolent act,
it voids the contract.
1224
01:17:51,080 --> 01:17:55,480
- So I get to keep my soul?
- Yes, you get to keep your soul.
1225
01:17:57,240 --> 01:18:00,480
Yes! Oh, yes!
1226
01:18:00,520 --> 01:18:03,680
Yes, I get to keep my soul!
1227
01:18:03,760 --> 01:18:06,320
Whoo! Hoo!
1228
01:18:06,400 --> 01:18:09,520
Hoo!
1229
01:18:09,600 --> 01:18:12,360
On November 16, I'll have
been doing this for 6,000 years...
1230
01:18:12,440 --> 01:18:15,320
and you're the first person
to give away one of their wishes.
1231
01:18:15,400 --> 01:18:16,920
I hope it's not the
beginning of a trend.
1232
01:18:16,920 --> 01:18:18,280
You're not gonna
tell anyone, are you?
1233
01:18:18,360 --> 01:18:20,600
No, no, I promise. Nope.
1234
01:18:22,040 --> 01:18:26,360
I don't get it, though.
I mean, why are you... being nice?
1235
01:18:26,400 --> 01:18:29,560
Look, Elliot, I'm gonna
let you in on a little secret.
1236
01:18:29,640 --> 01:18:33,600
The whole good and evil thing,
you know, Him and me,
1237
01:18:33,640 --> 01:18:35,800
it really comes down to you.
1238
01:18:35,880 --> 01:18:38,200
You don't have to look
very hard for Heaven and Hell.
1239
01:18:38,280 --> 01:18:40,640
They're right here on Earth.
1240
01:18:40,680 --> 01:18:42,560
You make the choice.
1241
01:18:42,600 --> 01:18:44,600
And I guess
you just made yours.
1242
01:18:44,640 --> 01:18:46,680
So, I can go now?
1243
01:18:46,720 --> 01:18:48,920
Unless you want
another seven wishes.
1244
01:18:49,000 --> 01:18:50,840
[Chuckles]
No thanks.
1245
01:18:50,920 --> 01:18:52,920
I didn't think so.
1246
01:18:54,080 --> 01:18:55,920
I really liked you, you know.
1247
01:18:57,760 --> 01:19:00,200
Well, to tell you the truth,
1248
01:19:00,280 --> 01:19:02,640
you've been the best friend
I've ever had.
1249
01:19:02,720 --> 01:19:05,760
Oh, dear.
Don't go gushy on me now.
1250
01:19:07,400 --> 01:19:10,600
Go on. Go.
You'll scare the fish away.
1251
01:19:30,000 --> 01:19:32,640
Alison. Hi.
1252
01:19:32,720 --> 01:19:34,640
Hi. Oh, uh...
1253
01:19:34,720 --> 01:19:37,120
Elliot Richards.
We've met a couple of times.
1254
01:19:37,200 --> 01:19:40,560
Yeah, I remember.
Hi. How are you?
1255
01:19:40,640 --> 01:19:43,920
I'm great. I'm exaggerating.
I'm... I'm good.
1256
01:19:45,880 --> 01:19:50,640
Um, the thing is we've been working
together here for the last four years,
1257
01:19:50,720 --> 01:19:53,560
and I've always noticed you
and thought that...
1258
01:19:53,640 --> 01:19:57,040
you looked like, um,
a very interesting person.
1259
01:19:57,120 --> 01:19:59,440
I don't know
how interesting I am.
1260
01:19:59,520 --> 01:20:03,440
Well, the truth is I don't know you
and you don't know me,
1261
01:20:03,520 --> 01:20:07,240
and I was thinking that if we were
to get to know each other that...
1262
01:20:07,320 --> 01:20:09,480
there's a chance that
we just might hit it off.
1263
01:20:09,560 --> 01:20:12,520
So I was wondering if you wanted
to go get a cup of coffee or...
1264
01:20:12,600 --> 01:20:15,400
That's really so nice of you.
1265
01:20:15,480 --> 01:20:17,520
I'm seeing someone.
1266
01:20:17,600 --> 01:20:20,160
Oh.
1267
01:20:20,200 --> 01:20:22,600
Well, of course you are. You're...
1268
01:20:22,680 --> 01:20:25,920
He's sure one lucky guy.
1269
01:20:26,000 --> 01:20:30,080
Uh, listen, if it ever doesn't
work out with him, then...
1270
01:20:32,760 --> 01:20:35,920
- That is so nice of you. Okay.
- No, thanks a lot.
1271
01:20:36,000 --> 01:20:38,560
- I'll see you around.
- Okay, take care. Bye.
1272
01:20:41,760 --> 01:20:44,320
- It's a joke.
- Right.
1273
01:20:44,360 --> 01:20:46,960
What's he gonna...
1274
01:20:47,040 --> 01:20:49,280
Hey, Elliot, fo-felliot,
so-smelliot.
1275
01:20:49,360 --> 01:20:51,520
What's up, dudester? Yeah.
[Chuckles]
1276
01:20:51,560 --> 01:20:54,600
What do you say we go down
to the club tonight and we,
1277
01:20:54,600 --> 01:20:56,040
uh, pick up some chickettes?
1278
01:20:58,840 --> 01:21:01,160
Nice talking to you, Bob.
1279
01:21:08,400 --> 01:21:10,240
[Muttering]
1280
01:21:32,960 --> 01:21:34,800
- Hey.
- New neighbors?
1281
01:21:34,880 --> 01:21:36,720
Guess so.
1282
01:21:39,280 --> 01:21:42,040
Hi. Oh, hi.
1283
01:21:42,120 --> 01:21:44,240
Hi. You must be
the boy next door.
1284
01:21:44,320 --> 01:21:45,960
Do you wanna give me a hand?
1285
01:21:47,360 --> 01:21:50,360
Habla ingles?
Sprechen Sie English?
1286
01:21:50,440 --> 01:21:52,520
Parlez vous Americano?
1287
01:21:55,400 --> 01:21:58,480
- Hi. I'm Elliot Richards.
- Hey. Nicole DeLarusso.
1288
01:21:58,560 --> 01:22:01,400
Don't call me Nicky, though.
'Cause everyone always calls me "Nicky."
1289
01:22:01,440 --> 01:22:03,920
It starts off as Nicole,
then it becomes Nicky,
1290
01:22:03,920 --> 01:22:05,600
then Nick, then Ni, then just "Nn."
1291
01:22:05,640 --> 01:22:08,560
People just call me "Nn."
I'm cracking myself up here.
1292
01:22:08,640 --> 01:22:10,800
- Hey, do you wanna give me a hand?
- Yes, I do.
1293
01:22:10,880 --> 01:22:14,800
- Okay.
- Oh, wow. You got the new Ingebritzens.
1294
01:22:14,880 --> 01:22:17,120
- Oh, yeah, they're the best.
- They're the best.
1295
01:22:17,160 --> 01:22:19,400
[Both Chuckle]
1296
01:22:19,480 --> 01:22:22,640
Um, so listen, I'd be happy
to hook these up for you...
1297
01:22:22,720 --> 01:22:24,800
so you could have some
music if you wanted,
1298
01:22:24,800 --> 01:22:26,320
you know, while you're unpacking.
1299
01:22:26,400 --> 01:22:29,000
I could make us some dinner.
That way you wouldn't have to cook.
1300
01:22:29,080 --> 01:22:31,200
Yeah, right.
Me cook.
1301
01:22:31,240 --> 01:22:33,120
Thank you.
[Giggles]
1302
01:22:33,160 --> 01:22:36,080
Say, Nicole, you wouldn't happen
to have a sister, would you?
1303
01:22:36,160 --> 01:22:39,360
No, no. I have a lot
of brothers, though.
1304
01:22:39,400 --> 01:22:44,080
# Hey, hey, did you ever think
there might be another way #
1305
01:22:44,160 --> 01:22:47,720
# To just feel better
To just feel better about today #
1306
01:22:49,360 --> 01:22:54,360
# Oh, no, if you never wanna
have to turn and go away #
1307
01:22:54,400 --> 01:22:58,240
# You might feel better
You might feel better if you stay #
1308
01:23:00,160 --> 01:23:02,400
# Yeah, yeah #
1309
01:23:02,480 --> 01:23:05,880
# I bet you haven't heard
a word I've said #
1310
01:23:06,000 --> 01:23:07,320
# Yeah, yeah #
1311
01:23:07,400 --> 01:23:10,040
# You've had enough
of all your trying #
1312
01:23:10,120 --> 01:23:13,840
# Just give up
the state of mind you're in #
1313
01:23:13,920 --> 01:23:18,960
# If you wanna
be somebody else #
1314
01:23:19,040 --> 01:23:22,680
# If you're tired
of fighting battles #
1315
01:23:22,760 --> 01:23:24,600
# With yourself #
1316
01:23:24,680 --> 01:23:28,520
# If you wanna
be somebody else #
1317
01:23:28,800 --> 01:23:33,720
# Change your mind #
1318
01:23:33,800 --> 01:23:38,920
# Change your mind #
1319
01:23:41,120 --> 01:23:44,600
# Hey, hey
Have you ever danced in the rain #
1320
01:23:44,680 --> 01:23:47,440
# Or thanked the sun
just for shining #
1321
01:23:47,480 --> 01:23:51,040
# Just for shining
over the sea #
1322
01:23:51,120 --> 01:23:55,320
# Oh, no
Take it all in the world's a show #
1323
01:23:55,400 --> 01:23:57,400
# But yeah
It looks much better#
1324
01:23:57,480 --> 01:24:00,120
# It looks much better
when you glow #
1325
01:24:02,000 --> 01:24:04,320
# Yeah, yeah #
1326
01:24:04,400 --> 01:24:06,840
# I hope you've heard
every word I've said #
1327
01:24:06,920 --> 01:24:09,160
# Yeah, yeah #
1328
01:24:09,200 --> 01:24:11,840
# You've had enough
of all your trying #
1329
01:24:11,920 --> 01:24:15,720
# Just give up
the state of mind you're in #
1330
01:24:15,800 --> 01:24:20,560
# If you wanna
be somebody else #
1331
01:24:20,640 --> 01:24:24,600
# If you're tired
of fighting battles #
1332
01:24:24,680 --> 01:24:26,520
# With yourself #
1333
01:24:26,600 --> 01:24:30,560
# If you wanna
be somebody else #
1334
01:24:30,640 --> 01:24:35,560
# Change your mind #
1335
01:24:35,640 --> 01:24:40,760
# Change your mind #
1336
01:24:42,320 --> 01:24:45,640
# Ooo, yeah #
1337
01:24:47,360 --> 01:24:51,120
# Ooo, yeah #
1338
01:24:57,960 --> 01:25:00,640
# Hey, hey
What you say #
1339
01:25:00,720 --> 01:25:03,000
# We've both heard seize the day #
1340
01:25:03,080 --> 01:25:06,880
# What's your hurry
What's your hurry anyway #
1341
01:25:08,720 --> 01:25:11,120
# Yeah, yeah #
1342
01:25:11,160 --> 01:25:13,760
# I hope you've heard
every word I've said #
1343
01:25:13,840 --> 01:25:16,040
# Yeah, yeah #
1344
01:25:16,080 --> 01:25:18,520
# You've had enough
of all your trying #
1345
01:25:18,600 --> 01:25:22,480
# Just give up
the state of mind you're in #
1346
01:25:25,240 --> 01:25:30,000
# If you wanna
be somebody else #
1347
01:25:30,080 --> 01:25:35,600
# If you're tired of losing
battles with yourself #
1348
01:25:35,680 --> 01:25:39,840
# If you wanna
be somebody else #
1349
01:25:39,920 --> 01:25:44,960
# Change your mind #
1350
01:25:45,040 --> 01:25:50,120
# Change your mind #
1351
01:25:50,160 --> 01:25:55,040
# Change your mind #
1352
01:25:55,120 --> 01:26:00,080
# Change your mind #
1353
01:26:01,680 --> 01:26:05,120
# Ooo, yeah #
1354
01:26:05,200 --> 01:26:10,320
- # Out of your mind #
- # Ooo, yeah #
1355
01:26:10,360 --> 01:26:15,200
- # Out of your mind #
- # Ooo, yeah #
1356
01:26:15,280 --> 01:26:20,880
- # Just lose your mind #
- # Ooo, yeah ##
1357
01:27:19,960 --> 01:27:22,800
## [Man Vocalizing]
1358
01:28:20,320 --> 01:28:21,280
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