1
00:00:47,005 --> 00:00:50,849
MINDY: A handgun bullet travels
at more than 700 miles per hour.
2
00:00:53,428 --> 00:00:56,146
Hey, whoa. Absolutely not. No.
3
00:00:56,848 --> 00:00:57,974
Mmm-mmm.
4
00:00:57,975 --> 00:01:01,985
Look, if you don't wanna do
it, you don't have to do it.
5
00:01:02,521 --> 00:01:04,021
Okay. Good,
I don't wanna do it.
6
00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:05,114
Fine.
7
00:01:05,941 --> 00:01:07,744
(GROANS)
8
00:01:07,985 --> 00:01:10,998
Goddamn! I'm alive. (CHUCKLING)
9
00:01:11,196 --> 00:01:12,363
Oh!
10
00:01:12,364 --> 00:01:15,377
Oh, that's amazing!
(WHOOPS)
11
00:01:15,701 --> 00:01:17,872
I know, right. So...
12
00:01:19,579 --> 00:01:20,623
Hmm.
13
00:01:21,707 --> 00:01:22,832
Ready to go again?
14
00:01:22,833 --> 00:01:24,417
Absolutely not.
15
00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:25,543
(EXHALES)
16
00:01:25,544 --> 00:01:26,636
Fine.
17
00:01:27,004 --> 00:01:29,839
Don't just say "fine" and
then shoot me in the chest.
18
00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:31,590
'Cause it's not cool.
(GUN COCKS)
19
00:01:31,591 --> 00:01:32,719
Like at all.
20
00:01:33,010 --> 00:01:35,690
Okay. Jeez.
21
00:01:38,056 --> 00:01:39,183
(SCREAMS)
22
00:01:43,854 --> 00:01:47,440
DAVE: I always wondered why no one
tried to be a superhero before me.
23
00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:51,118
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING) It turns out
somebody had. Mindy Macready.
24
00:01:51,236 --> 00:01:53,904
After her dad died, his
old partner on the force,
25
00:01:53,905 --> 00:01:55,781
Marcus, became her guardian.
26
00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:58,743
GIRL: Is that a Pink Pony bag she's wearing?
Nice backpack.
27
00:01:58,744 --> 00:01:59,910
Thanks.
28
00:01:59,911 --> 00:02:01,712
Steal it from a six year old?
(GIRLS GIGGLING)
29
00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:03,918
DAVE: Marcus dropped
her off every day.
30
00:02:04,041 --> 00:02:07,220
But as soon as he
was gone, so was she.
31
00:02:07,627 --> 00:02:08,961
(BEEPING)
32
00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:11,547
No one at school found out because
she hacked into the server
33
00:02:11,548 --> 00:02:13,719
and gave herself the award
for perfect attendance.
34
00:02:14,843 --> 00:02:17,940
Hit Girl and Big Daddy
had been the real deal.
35
00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:20,686
Mindy was gonna
keep wearing the mask
36
00:02:20,849 --> 00:02:23,269
as long as there were
criminals to take down.
37
00:02:23,435 --> 00:02:24,942
(GRUNTING)
38
00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:28,441
But no matter how many
drug dealers she stopped,
39
00:02:29,441 --> 00:02:31,826
she couldn't stop
feeling alone.
40
00:02:33,612 --> 00:02:35,613
Me? I'd given up
being a superhero
41
00:02:35,614 --> 00:02:37,453
because it was
way too dangerous.
42
00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:40,451
Only problem,
I was dying of boredom.
43
00:02:40,452 --> 00:02:41,786
Like most high school seniors,
44
00:02:41,787 --> 00:02:44,080
I had no idea what I
wanted to do with my life.
45
00:02:44,081 --> 00:02:46,761
Hell, I didn't know what
channel I wanted to watch.
46
00:02:46,875 --> 00:02:49,639
It's just TV, Dave, not
peace in the Middle East.
47
00:02:49,753 --> 00:02:51,295
My best friends Todd and Marty
48
00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:53,923
had no clue I was the first
superhero to go public.
49
00:02:53,924 --> 00:02:56,095
You guys watch
Spider-Man last night?
50
00:02:56,218 --> 00:02:57,843
Is it weird that Aunt
May gets me kinda hard?
51
00:02:57,844 --> 00:02:59,481
Not if you're
a granny-slammer.
52
00:02:59,596 --> 00:03:02,360
FEMALE REPORTER: They may wear
costumes, but it isn't Halloween.
53
00:03:02,474 --> 00:03:04,266
They're real life superheroes,
54
00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:06,769
and in the two years since
the first ordinary citizens
55
00:03:06,770 --> 00:03:08,521
donned capes and masks,
56
00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:10,523
the movement has
started to spread.
57
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:12,566
I became a superhero
because of Kick-Ass.
58
00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:13,860
MR. RADICAL: Yeah, you just
come home from work,
59
00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:16,489
you grab your gear
and you go out on patrol.
60
00:03:16,613 --> 00:03:18,416
Help us make the streets safe.
61
00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:21,659
DAVE: I inspired all those
people to get off their asses,
62
00:03:21,660 --> 00:03:23,747
and now I was stuck on mine.
63
00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:28,296
So that night after dinner, I
decided to get my old costume out.
64
00:03:30,877 --> 00:03:32,929
Sorry. Whoa! Can't you knock?
65
00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:35,840
You know, buddy, it's perfectly
normal for you to touch yourself...
66
00:03:35,841 --> 00:03:37,928
Oh, Jesus, Dad.
Get out!
67
00:03:39,302 --> 00:03:42,221
DAVE: If! was even thinking
about a Kick-Ass sequel,
68
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:43,931
I had to get serious.
69
00:03:43,932 --> 00:03:45,433
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
70
00:03:45,434 --> 00:03:47,439
Hey. Hey,
can we chat?
71
00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:49,985
Please, Mindy?
72
00:03:50,439 --> 00:03:53,452
Get in the cab.
Meter's running.
73
00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:58,248
I wanna team up
like Batman and Robin.
74
00:03:58,447 --> 00:04:01,031
(SCOFFS)
Nobody wants to be Robin.
75
00:04:01,032 --> 00:04:02,243
What's wrong with Robin?
76
00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:04,660
Weren't you like
Big Daddy's Robin?
77
00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:06,049
Robin wishes he was me.
78
00:04:06,163 --> 00:04:08,038
What I'm trying to say
is we should be partners,
79
00:04:08,039 --> 00:04:10,887
you and me, like the dynamic duo.
(SIGHS)
80
00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:14,098
I'm in the NFL, Dave.
You play pee-wee.
81
00:04:14,212 --> 00:04:16,134
So? Train me.
82
00:04:16,465 --> 00:04:17,798
I wanna walk the walk,
83
00:04:17,799 --> 00:04:20,480
and you're the closest thing
I know to a real superhero.
84
00:04:22,012 --> 00:04:24,693
Aren't you tired
of being on your own?
85
00:04:25,474 --> 00:04:27,942
Don't you wanna know
someone's there for you?
86
00:04:28,852 --> 00:04:30,987
Someone who's got your back?
87
00:04:35,358 --> 00:04:36,533
(SCOFFS)
88
00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:39,912
And you'll do anything I say?
89
00:04:40,030 --> 00:04:41,204
Anything.
90
00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:42,492
Hit me.
91
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:45,252
You're a 15-year-old girl.
(GROANS)
92
00:04:46,161 --> 00:04:47,371
What the hell?
93
00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:51,468
Act like a bitch,
get slapped like a bitch.
94
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,471
(BOTH GRUNTING)
95
00:04:57,797 --> 00:04:59,304
Oh, goddamn.
96
00:05:00,675 --> 00:05:03,844
DAVE: Mindy beat me like morning
wood every day for three weeks.
97
00:05:03,845 --> 00:05:06,859
Come on. Guard up!
Left, right, guard up!
98
00:05:07,349 --> 00:05:08,606
(STRAINING)
99
00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:14,396
Even with my damaged nerve
endings, it hurt like hell.
100
00:05:14,397 --> 00:05:15,489
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
101
00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:19,235
But, in a weird way,
I kinda liked it.
102
00:05:19,236 --> 00:05:20,486
It gave me a sense of purpose.
103
00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:22,457
What happened to your face?
Nothing.
104
00:05:22,572 --> 00:05:24,157
Like we were driving
towards something.
105
00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:26,160
Goddamn!
106
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:29,007
Oh! Oh, that's amazing!
107
00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:33,499
All the other people putting on
masks were just playing superhero.
108
00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:35,470
We were training
to really do it.
109
00:05:36,419 --> 00:05:39,630
I couldn't tell my girlfriend
Katie, or Marty and Todd.
110
00:05:39,631 --> 00:05:42,181
But I didn't care. We
were having too much fun.
111
00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:43,509
(GRUNTING)
112
00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:44,981
Left, right, left!
113
00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:52,770
Our own superhero team.
114
00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:54,105
(LAUGHS)
115
00:05:55,063 --> 00:05:56,814
It was gonna be balls.
116
00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:57,989
(BOTH LAUGHING)
117
00:06:00,485 --> 00:06:03,534
What the hell, Mom? Did you
delete the news off the DVR?
118
00:06:03,655 --> 00:06:05,948
Yes. Yes,
I did, Christopher.
119
00:06:05,949 --> 00:06:08,117
That was the one
with Kick-Ass.
120
00:06:08,118 --> 00:06:12,329
Oh, Christopher, you've gotta stop
obsessing over this superhero.
121
00:06:12,330 --> 00:06:14,873
He is not a superhero,
Mom, he's a murderer.
122
00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:17,167
He blew up Dad with a
bazooka, for fuck's sake!
123
00:06:17,168 --> 00:06:19,378
Your father died in a fire.
124
00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:21,598
A fire?
What is your problem?
125
00:06:22,424 --> 00:06:24,559
You! You are my problem!
126
00:06:24,676 --> 00:06:28,733
I am trying to raise you
to be a normal boy!
127
00:06:29,180 --> 00:06:32,725
That's why we moved to Long Island
after your father's accident.
128
00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:36,866
A bazooka is not an accident,
you delusional bitch!
129
00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:39,315
This conversation is over.
130
00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:40,988
Great. Then I'm leaving.
131
00:06:41,860 --> 00:06:42,985
(INHALES DEEPLY)
132
00:06:42,986 --> 00:06:44,623
Come on, Javier, be cool.
133
00:06:44,779 --> 00:06:47,365
Sorry, Chris, but your mom
pays me not to be cool.
134
00:06:50,452 --> 00:06:51,577
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
135
00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:56,123
I hate you! You home-school
me like I'm a prisoner!
136
00:06:56,124 --> 00:06:58,000
You threw away
my Red Mist costume.
137
00:06:58,001 --> 00:07:00,801
God! I am not
the problem! You are!
138
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:04,432
I wish you were dead!
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
139
00:07:04,841 --> 00:07:06,727
(MRS. D'AMICO SCREAMS)
140
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:12,438
Mommy?
141
00:07:18,730 --> 00:07:19,980
MINDY: Don't touch that.
142
00:07:19,981 --> 00:07:21,073
Oh, I'm sorry.
What is it?
143
00:07:21,191 --> 00:07:24,952
It's a last resort. Like if all
else fails and you're about to die.
144
00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:31,918
Are you not scared to die?
145
00:07:32,035 --> 00:07:34,835
Are you scared you're never gonna
grow into your big boy pants?
146
00:07:34,954 --> 00:07:37,998
I'm serious. What if Spider-Man
or Batman got killed one night?
147
00:07:37,999 --> 00:07:39,043
It could happen.
148
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:43,177
If you're scared of dying, one thing
is certain, you are going to die.
149
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:46,801
My daddy was never
afraid of dying.
150
00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:49,681
Look where that got him.
151
00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:54,098
He knew he might have to make
the ultimate sacrifice one day.
152
00:07:54,099 --> 00:07:55,307
(SIGHS)
153
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:56,725
And that's why
he made me promise
154
00:07:56,726 --> 00:07:59,312
I'd never stop
defending this city.
155
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:02,572
Cross my heart,
156
00:08:03,566 --> 00:08:05,239
hope to die.
157
00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:10,614
Your dad was insane.
You know that, right?
158
00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:11,707
(SCOFFS)
159
00:08:12,075 --> 00:08:17,079
You're wrong, Dave. My daddy
was the first real superhero,
160
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:20,876
not you or Red Mist.
It was my daddy,
161
00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:24,551
and it was an honor
to serve by his side.
162
00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:37,814
Hey, Min, how was school?
163
00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:39,441
Super crazy.
164
00:08:39,561 --> 00:08:41,103
Miss Mullins was out today,
165
00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:44,314
so we had Mr. Cooper teaching
us biology, such a grump.
166
00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:47,076
Oh, really? That's weird because
Principal Himoff called me yesterday.
167
00:08:47,193 --> 00:08:48,652
You were supposed
to get an award
168
00:08:48,653 --> 00:08:51,239
for perfect attendance,
but you didn't attend.
169
00:08:51,614 --> 00:08:55,075
I followed you this morning. Saw
you get into a cab with some boy,
170
00:08:55,076 --> 00:08:57,202
and I lost you guys
over the bridge.
171
00:08:57,203 --> 00:09:00,051
So now you wanna tell me
where you really were today?
172
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:08,964
I'm really sorry, Marcus.
I didn't wanna make you mad.
173
00:09:08,965 --> 00:09:11,646
Cut the waterworks, Min.
You're 15, not five.
174
00:09:13,803 --> 00:09:14,895
(SIGHS)
175
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:16,682
Okay.
176
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,558
Look, he asked me to cut
class and go to the mall.
177
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:21,896
So, yeah, yeah, I did.
178
00:09:22,353 --> 00:09:24,563
This has nothing to do
with you being Hit Girl?
179
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,648
I'm not gonna
find any ninja blades
180
00:09:26,649 --> 00:09:28,986
or throwing stars
under your bed?
181
00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:32,289
No. I just wanted him
to like me. Okay?
182
00:09:33,031 --> 00:09:35,949
Sweetie, skipping school's not
away to get boys to like you.
183
00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:37,701
I'm so stupid.
Hey, hey.
184
00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:42,174
You're one of the smartest little girls I know.
Let's go get some pizza.
185
00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:44,333
What, you mean
I'm not grounded?
186
00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:46,505
Well, just consider
this awarning.
187
00:09:48,213 --> 00:09:51,173
JAVIER: Hey, you sure you wanna
give all your mom's things away?
188
00:09:51,174 --> 00:09:53,343
What the hell am I supposed
to do with all her stuff?
189
00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:57,181
JAVIER: Damn, she had
a nice pair of guns.
190
00:09:57,305 --> 00:10:00,022
Dude, she's dead!
Don't talk about her tits.
191
00:10:00,183 --> 00:10:02,184
I was talking about these.
192
00:10:02,185 --> 00:10:04,866
Oh, those.
Those were my dad's.
193
00:10:06,898 --> 00:10:08,868
Why don't you keep them?
194
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:10,776
Are you sure?
195
00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:11,902
Yeah. I mean,
they belong to you, right?
196
00:10:11,903 --> 00:10:14,833
Come on, Chris.
You're your own man now.
197
00:10:15,406 --> 00:10:18,171
Just be careful, all right?
Yeah.
198
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:21,794
CHRIS: Whoa!
199
00:10:23,248 --> 00:10:24,581
Definitely don't
wanna keep those!
200
00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:26,084
I'll take care of it.
(CLEARS THROAT)
201
00:10:33,675 --> 00:10:36,225
You take the day off.
Later.
202
00:10:39,931 --> 00:10:41,139
Hey.
203
00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:44,355
So, are you ready for
your first field test?
204
00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:46,019
What am I supposed
to do with these?
205
00:10:46,020 --> 00:10:48,785
Put them on and, uh,
go fishing.
206
00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:52,945
(EXHALES)
207
00:10:59,409 --> 00:11:01,580
I'm the whitest pimp ever.
208
00:11:01,744 --> 00:11:03,036
MINDY ON RADIO: That's the idea.
209
00:11:03,037 --> 00:11:05,080
Take the next right.
Comes out on Flatbush.
210
00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:07,124
You sure I should be doing
this without my gear?
211
00:11:07,125 --> 00:11:08,333
That's the point.
212
00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:11,253
Kick-Ass isn't a costume.
Kick-Ass is who you really are.
213
00:11:11,254 --> 00:11:13,088
Dave Lizewski is the mask.
214
00:11:13,089 --> 00:11:16,435
Well, my "mask" is about to
get his teeth kicked in.
215
00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:21,263
Hey, queer bait, where are you
going with those bags, man?
216
00:11:21,264 --> 00:11:24,433
Tell him you're on your way to fuck
his mother with a 12-inch strap on.
217
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:26,184
I'm just taking a walk.
218
00:11:26,185 --> 00:11:29,234
This really isn't what I do. I
usually just call the cops.
219
00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:31,277
Who are you talking to, man?
220
00:11:31,858 --> 00:11:34,443
Uh, I'm just on a call.
It was...
221
00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:37,279
You know, service round
here, it sucks, man.
222
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:41,076
Now give me the bags, faggot, before
I make you suck my fat cock, huh?
223
00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:42,917
Come on.
224
00:11:46,205 --> 00:11:47,796
Okay, Okay.
225
00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:02,358
(GROANS)
226
00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:07,896
(YELLING)
227
00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:12,446
(GROANING)
228
00:12:14,108 --> 00:12:17,152
DAVE: Can you believe I let Mindy
beat the snot out of me for weeks
229
00:12:17,153 --> 00:12:19,404
just so I could get
my ass kicked again?
230
00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:21,161
So much for a team.
231
00:12:21,282 --> 00:12:23,619
You ready to die?
You faggot!
232
00:12:26,162 --> 00:12:30,874
You know, all that homophobic
shit makes you sound super gay.
233
00:12:30,875 --> 00:12:32,465
(BOTH GRUNTING)
234
00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:34,343
(SCREAMING)
235
00:12:58,528 --> 00:12:59,571
(GROANS)
236
00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:02,500
Come on, man.
Come on. (GROANS)
237
00:13:04,909 --> 00:13:07,080
If I ever catch you robbing
again, shit-burger,
238
00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:09,789
I'm gonna go Saudi Arabia on
your ass and cut your hand off.
239
00:13:10,248 --> 00:13:12,416
Promise me you're done
with your life of crime.
240
00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:13,758
I promise.
241
00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:17,549
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMING)
242
00:13:17,839 --> 00:13:19,725
Pants on fire.
243
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,093
What do you think? I think
you almost got me killed!
244
00:13:23,094 --> 00:13:25,220
No. What do you
think of my line?
245
00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:27,099
"Pants on fire."
I wrote a whole bunch of 'em.
246
00:13:27,348 --> 00:13:30,148
Run! I'll tell them
you saved me. Go!
247
00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:32,894
DISPATCH ON RADIO: Female
suspect fleeing Flatbush.
248
00:13:32,895 --> 00:13:35,825
Under 5 feet. Masked. Armed
with nunchucks and a sword.
249
00:13:36,733 --> 00:13:38,110
(ENGINE STARTS)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
250
00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:46,285
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
251
00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:50,287
(BEEP)
252
00:13:50,288 --> 00:13:52,664
ON PHONE: Hey, Min.
Hey, Marcus. What's up?
253
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:53,874
I see you answered your phone.
254
00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:54,918
That means
you're not in school.
255
00:13:55,043 --> 00:13:56,383
I was,
256
00:13:56,502 --> 00:14:00,560
but I wasn't feeling so good, and so
the nurse decided to send me home.
257
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,809
Poor thing.
Well, I'm almost home.
258
00:14:02,925 --> 00:14:04,926
I'll make soup
and we can watch Jeopardy!
259
00:14:04,927 --> 00:14:06,928
All righty.
I'll see you soon, okay?
260
00:14:06,929 --> 00:14:08,021
All right.
261
00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:11,976
(SIREN WAILING)
262
00:14:15,605 --> 00:14:16,862
(ENGINE REVVING)
263
00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:26,408
(HORN HONKING)
264
00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:34,998
Shit!
265
00:14:34,999 --> 00:14:36,340
(ENGINE REVVING)
266
00:14:41,172 --> 00:14:42,299
(TIRES SCREECHING)
267
00:15:01,692 --> 00:15:03,365
You got my soup?
268
00:15:07,031 --> 00:15:09,157
Let me take your
temperature first.
269
00:15:09,158 --> 00:15:11,076
Oh, you're really clammy.
270
00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:12,833
I'll feel better
after a nap-nap.
271
00:15:12,954 --> 00:15:15,588
Close your eyes. I'm
gonna get you that soup.
272
00:15:21,170 --> 00:15:22,677
Is that blood?
273
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:26,010
Damn it, Mindy.
I can't do this anymore.
274
00:15:26,342 --> 00:15:28,051
Your father was
like a brother to me.
275
00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:30,095
He was a great cop and a hero.
276
00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:32,347
But Big Daddy? That was
not your father, okay?
277
00:15:32,348 --> 00:15:35,433
That was someone who robbed
you of your childhood.
278
00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:36,858
And this?
279
00:15:37,687 --> 00:15:40,866
Hit Girl?
That's not who you are.
280
00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:47,906
You are Mindy Macready and you're
just starting high school.
281
00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:51,199
I understand that you don't
know who that person is yet,
282
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,994
but you will,
you've just gotta try.
283
00:15:53,995 --> 00:15:55,203
I don't want to.
284
00:15:55,204 --> 00:15:56,462
You don't know what you want.
285
00:15:56,581 --> 00:15:59,298
You can't. You're not
an adult, not yet.
286
00:15:59,417 --> 00:16:03,213
Yeah, well, I've done more in my 15 years
than most adults have in their lifetime.
287
00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:06,339
That note that
your father gave you,
288
00:16:06,340 --> 00:16:09,134
the one that you were supposed to
open if anything ever happened.
289
00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:11,094
What did it say?
290
00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:12,220
That you would take care of me.
291
00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:14,639
And that you were supposed
to listen to me, right?
292
00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:15,849
Well, listen up.
293
00:16:15,850 --> 00:16:18,602
I want you in school. I want you
to stop talking to that boy.
294
00:16:18,603 --> 00:16:20,061
And I want you to promise me
295
00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:22,696
that this is never
gonna happen again.
296
00:16:35,953 --> 00:16:37,626
Cross my heart,
297
00:16:38,623 --> 00:16:39,714
hope to die.
298
00:16:42,126 --> 00:16:43,337
Good.
299
00:16:56,098 --> 00:16:58,266
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
300
00:16:58,267 --> 00:16:59,434
DAVE: Mindy!
301
00:16:59,435 --> 00:17:00,560
What the hell?
302
00:17:00,561 --> 00:17:02,520
First you almost get me
killed, then you stand me up.
303
00:17:02,521 --> 00:17:03,688
Dave, I'm sorry.
304
00:17:03,689 --> 00:17:05,279
I mean, I...
You are?
305
00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:07,236
I am.
306
00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:10,284
For everything.
307
00:17:10,613 --> 00:17:12,452
Oh, okay, great.
308
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:16,663
I mean, "apologetic" isn't a
word I'd use to describe you.
309
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:19,162
How many times do
I have to say it?
310
00:17:19,163 --> 00:17:21,382
(SIGHS) Look,
let's get out of here.
311
00:17:21,666 --> 00:17:23,959
You gotta ease up. I think
I might have broken a rib.
312
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:25,466
Dave, I'm done.
313
00:17:25,628 --> 00:17:27,128
With training?
314
00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:28,517
With everything.
315
00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:31,850
Wait, you mean everything?
316
00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:37,141
You can't.
You're Hit Girl.
317
00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:39,516
We were gonna start a team,
you can't just quit.
318
00:17:39,517 --> 00:17:41,356
This is who you are.
319
00:17:41,477 --> 00:17:42,651
Not anymore, Dave.
320
00:17:44,814 --> 00:17:47,315
I'm sorry, but it's over.
I'm done.
321
00:17:47,316 --> 00:17:48,650
GIRL: She just broke up
with him?
322
00:17:48,651 --> 00:17:49,818
Just leave me alone.
323
00:17:49,819 --> 00:17:51,990
(GROANS)
Will you stop apologizing?
324
00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:56,241
I don't know what's worse, that
you're fucking a 9th-grader
325
00:17:56,242 --> 00:17:57,826
or that you just got dumped by one.
Whoa, whoa!
326
00:17:57,827 --> 00:17:58,994
Pedophile freak.
327
00:17:58,995 --> 00:18:00,120
It's not like that.
328
00:18:00,121 --> 00:18:01,746
Then what is it like?
Please, tell me.
329
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:04,833
I can't. It's to do with the
(MOUTHS) Kick-Ass thing.
330
00:18:04,834 --> 00:18:07,711
I've got a secret for you.
You remember Malik?
331
00:18:07,712 --> 00:18:10,088
Dude who volunteers
at your needle exchange?
332
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:13,054
His baton is so much
bigger than Kick-Ass'.
333
00:18:13,175 --> 00:18:14,931
No.
Yeah.
334
00:18:16,387 --> 00:18:17,858
And by "baton," I mean penis.
335
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:19,853
Yeah, I got that. Thanks.
336
00:18:20,224 --> 00:18:22,692
Fifteen gets you 20, pervert.
337
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:26,233
A freshman, Dave?
You old, salty dog.
338
00:18:26,564 --> 00:18:29,743
What's the problem? Grass on
the field, play ball. Right?
339
00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:31,901
No, Todd.
340
00:18:31,902 --> 00:18:33,237
JAVIER: Chris,
your tutor's here.
341
00:18:33,863 --> 00:18:35,037
Chris!
342
00:18:35,656 --> 00:18:37,210
Chris, your...
343
00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:40,547
Holy shit.
What the hell is that?
344
00:18:41,704 --> 00:18:43,211
My destiny.
345
00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:46,380
Chris, just because your mom liked
to get a little freaky now.
346
00:18:46,542 --> 00:18:48,543
I know what my role
is in this, Javier.
347
00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:51,890
My dad was a crime boss,
so it just makes sense.
348
00:18:52,381 --> 00:18:55,467
I'm a supervillain.
It's evolution.
349
00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:56,718
Come on, come on.
350
00:18:56,719 --> 00:18:58,887
Just put those things down
before you hurt somebody, Chris.
351
00:18:58,888 --> 00:18:59,931
That's not my name.
352
00:19:00,264 --> 00:19:02,732
Okay, okay.
Uh, Red Mist...
353
00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:05,685
Red Mist was my superhero name.
354
00:19:05,686 --> 00:19:07,359
Henceforth I'll be known as
355
00:19:08,689 --> 00:19:10,410
The Motherfucker.
356
00:19:12,401 --> 00:19:13,568
DAVE: After Mindy quit,
357
00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:16,748
I decided to stop hitting the heavy
bag and start hitting the streets.
358
00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:19,074
Hey, Kick-Ass,
welcome back!
359
00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:20,202
Yeah!
Whoo!
360
00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:22,077
MAN: You're the best, man!
361
00:19:22,078 --> 00:19:25,541
Only problem,
I was still on my own.
362
00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:28,249
So I went online and found
a physics professor
363
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:30,335
calling himself
"Dr. Gravity."
364
00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:33,546
Sure, he wasn't Hit Girl,
but I had to start somewhere.
365
00:19:33,547 --> 00:19:36,132
This is the zero G device
that I invented.
366
00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:38,435
Can levitate
any object up to a ton.
367
00:19:38,552 --> 00:19:39,726
For real?
368
00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:43,139
Hell, no, man. This is a
baseball bat wrapped in tinfoil.
369
00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:44,730
(LAUGHS) But it fooled you.
370
00:19:44,850 --> 00:19:46,772
Hey, could I get a Diet
Mountain Dew, please?
371
00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:48,436
I'm not even
a physics professor.
372
00:19:48,437 --> 00:19:50,027
Just a copywriter
for an ad agency.
373
00:19:50,147 --> 00:19:52,190
But that's why
I love this stuff.
374
00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:54,326
You can be anyone you want!
375
00:19:54,819 --> 00:19:56,903
You done many
team-ups before?
376
00:19:56,904 --> 00:19:59,372
Kind of. Yeah.
No, not really.
377
00:19:59,490 --> 00:20:01,616
I was getting kinda nervous about
being on my own, you know?
378
00:20:01,617 --> 00:20:04,631
Yeah, me, too. I never
even been in a fight.
379
00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:08,583
Well, hopefully
you won't have to.
380
00:20:08,707 --> 00:20:12,089
I friended a guy talking about forming
a team, if you're interested.
381
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:13,878
I don't know how serious he is,
382
00:20:13,879 --> 00:20:15,319
but his picture
was pretty hard core.
383
00:20:15,381 --> 00:20:18,430
Are you kidding me?
That's why I contacted you.
384
00:20:18,592 --> 00:20:21,094
I didn't wanna freak you out
by bringing it up too soon.
385
00:20:21,095 --> 00:20:23,598
I'll show you his profile
after I hit the men's room.
386
00:20:25,307 --> 00:20:28,017
JAVIER: Your Uncle Ralph's not
gonna be happy about this, Chris.
387
00:20:28,018 --> 00:20:29,185
That's not my name.
388
00:20:29,186 --> 00:20:30,658
I'm not calling
you that, forget it.
389
00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:32,897
Javier, you worked for my dad.
390
00:20:32,898 --> 00:20:35,984
Then you worked for my mom.
Now you work for me.
391
00:20:35,985 --> 00:20:38,702
I'm probably the richest kid
in New York City.
392
00:20:38,821 --> 00:20:40,280
But if you don't like that,
393
00:20:40,281 --> 00:20:43,211
find yourself another
motherfucking job, okay?
394
00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:45,829
Yo, Kick-Ass!
395
00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:48,381
Man, am I glad to see you.
396
00:20:48,497 --> 00:20:50,206
Is there anything
I can do to help, sir?
397
00:20:50,207 --> 00:20:52,876
Yeah. I was hoping you can help
me get a million hits on YouTube.
398
00:20:52,877 --> 00:20:54,134
(BOTH GRUNTING)
399
00:20:59,758 --> 00:21:00,933
Come on. Come on.
400
00:21:06,140 --> 00:21:07,979
(GROANING)
401
00:21:17,651 --> 00:21:20,071
Run, Kick-Ass, run!
402
00:21:22,531 --> 00:21:24,868
Jersey Shore motherfucker!
403
00:21:25,701 --> 00:21:28,661
Hey, what, you not
interested in a fair fight?
404
00:21:28,662 --> 00:21:29,829
(LAUGHS)
405
00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:34,501
That is no fair fight. Team meeting tomorrow.
I'll e-mail you the address.
406
00:21:34,502 --> 00:21:36,002
(HORNS BLARING)
407
00:21:36,003 --> 00:21:37,973
Beware Dr. Gravity!
(WHOOPING)
408
00:21:38,088 --> 00:21:41,174
DAVE: You had to admire
the Doctor's enthusiasm.
409
00:21:41,175 --> 00:21:42,646
I couldn't wait
to meet his friends.
410
00:21:44,011 --> 00:21:45,352
(BELL JINGLING)
411
00:21:50,017 --> 00:21:51,893
Hands in the air, Spring Roll.
412
00:21:51,894 --> 00:21:55,271
Empty the register and
don't do anything stupid.
413
00:21:55,272 --> 00:21:58,535
Come on! Hey, where are
your security cameras?
414
00:21:58,692 --> 00:22:00,780
We don't have them. Too expensive.
Seriously?
415
00:22:00,903 --> 00:22:03,537
What the fuck? How's this gonna go viral?
You want to be filmed?
416
00:22:03,697 --> 00:22:05,204
Shut up and just
get on the ground!
417
00:22:05,366 --> 00:22:08,747
And you'd better tell people
The Motherfucker was here.
418
00:22:08,869 --> 00:22:10,230
What's wrong with you, boy?
(GASPS)
419
00:22:10,246 --> 00:22:11,621
Get on the floor, too, Gandalf,
420
00:22:11,622 --> 00:22:13,790
or I will bust
a cap in your ass.
421
00:22:13,791 --> 00:22:15,208
You're gonna bust your own face
422
00:22:15,209 --> 00:22:17,043
when that gun kicks if you
don't hold it properly.
423
00:22:17,044 --> 00:22:18,966
Just get on the ground!
424
00:22:22,424 --> 00:22:24,311
God, will you hurry up!
425
00:22:24,802 --> 00:22:26,469
(GROANS) I told you.
426
00:22:26,470 --> 00:22:27,893
(GRUNTS)
427
00:22:40,693 --> 00:22:42,579
Go! Go, go, go!
428
00:22:42,736 --> 00:22:44,208
Start the car! Go, go!
429
00:22:45,030 --> 00:22:47,035
(ENGINE STARTS)
CHRIS: It was amazing!
430
00:22:47,449 --> 00:22:51,412
I feel so alive. I know who I am.
I know why I'm here.
431
00:22:51,579 --> 00:22:53,871
I'm gonna fuck this world up!
432
00:22:53,872 --> 00:22:56,291
They will know The
Motherfucker's name! (YELLS)
433
00:22:56,292 --> 00:22:59,424
You've gotta find me some bad-ass
MMA types to train me, okay?
434
00:22:59,587 --> 00:23:01,754
Like a Chuck Liddell
or whoever.
435
00:23:01,755 --> 00:23:03,262
Fuck, I don't care
how much it costs.
436
00:23:03,424 --> 00:23:07,434
I just wanna be able to kill
Kick-Ass with my bare hands.
437
00:23:08,387 --> 00:23:09,637
(PANTING)
438
00:23:09,638 --> 00:23:11,275
I gotta tweet about this.
439
00:23:32,119 --> 00:23:34,124
MARCUS: All right.
Are you ready?
440
00:23:34,955 --> 00:23:37,506
Um, I don't know.
Am I?
441
00:23:37,625 --> 00:23:39,345
Yes, you are.
You look great.
442
00:23:39,835 --> 00:23:41,461
And Barbara's daughter,
Brooke, is really nice.
443
00:23:41,462 --> 00:23:43,796
What am I supposed
to talk to them about?
444
00:23:43,797 --> 00:23:46,680
I'd rather be water-boarded
than listen to Justin Bieber.
445
00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:48,678
You're gonna be fine.
I'm gonna be a disaster.
446
00:23:49,011 --> 00:23:50,386
How do you know that?
447
00:23:50,387 --> 00:23:53,105
Because it's a slumber party,
for fuck's sake.
448
00:23:53,474 --> 00:23:55,146
Dollar. Jar.
449
00:23:55,726 --> 00:23:56,853
(SIGHS)
450
00:24:00,981 --> 00:24:02,654
You're gonna need a bigger jar.
451
00:24:06,528 --> 00:24:09,826
Pretty cool, huh? This is how
the beer gets delivered.
452
00:24:11,241 --> 00:24:15,038
Dude. You got a secret elevator
to your underground headquarters.
453
00:24:15,162 --> 00:24:18,211
(CHUCKLES) Yeah. The guy I told
you about owns this place.
454
00:24:18,332 --> 00:24:20,166
It's like
a real-life bat-cave.
455
00:24:20,167 --> 00:24:21,674
I know, right.
Oh, yeah.
456
00:24:24,713 --> 00:24:25,757
(EISENHOWER BARKS)
457
00:24:28,300 --> 00:24:30,768
This is the single greatest
thing I've ever seen.
458
00:24:33,347 --> 00:24:35,067
Welcome to Justice Forever.
459
00:24:38,519 --> 00:24:39,860
(DOORBELL RINGS)
460
00:24:41,063 --> 00:24:43,531
Hi, Detective Williams.
This must be Mindy.
461
00:24:43,691 --> 00:24:44,948
It is. Hi, Brooke.
462
00:24:45,067 --> 00:24:48,282
You girls have fun and I'll pick
you up in the morning, okay?
463
00:24:48,404 --> 00:24:49,737
I'll be the one
with the slit wrists.
464
00:24:49,738 --> 00:24:52,372
No, you're gonna be the one
that gets the awesome manicure.
465
00:24:52,533 --> 00:24:54,869
I am?
Mmm-hmm. Oh, yeah.
466
00:24:56,370 --> 00:24:57,537
Say "hey" to Mindy, ladies.
467
00:24:57,538 --> 00:24:58,581
BOTH: Hey.
468
00:24:58,706 --> 00:24:59,831
HARLOW: I know you.
469
00:24:59,832 --> 00:25:02,542
You're that freshman who took a ride
on Dave Lizewski's disco stick.
470
00:25:02,543 --> 00:25:03,751
I did not ride his...
471
00:25:03,752 --> 00:25:05,753
If you just blew him, you're
totes a virgin, right?
472
00:25:05,754 --> 00:25:07,296
She didn't blow him,
look at her.
473
00:25:07,297 --> 00:25:09,215
Then what? Rim job?
Hand job? Fingerbang?
474
00:25:09,216 --> 00:25:11,553
Sweet-Ryan-Seacrest, you at
least kissed him, right?
475
00:25:12,928 --> 00:25:14,055
Totes.
(GIRLS GIGGLING)
476
00:25:14,430 --> 00:25:16,850
You've never kissed
a boy, have you?
477
00:25:17,266 --> 00:25:18,725
Oh, my God,
that is so adorable.
478
00:25:18,726 --> 00:25:19,851
Maybe she's a dyke.
479
00:25:19,852 --> 00:25:22,145
Maybe I'll jam
my foot up your snatch.
480
00:25:22,146 --> 00:25:24,439
Oh, she's super bitchy,
I likes.
481
00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:26,441
Then what's
the big deal anyway?
482
00:25:26,442 --> 00:25:28,943
What could be so great about gagging
on some douche-bag's tongue?
483
00:25:28,944 --> 00:25:30,665
It's pretty fucking great.
484
00:25:30,779 --> 00:25:33,793
You know how you feel when you
watch that video by Union J?
485
00:25:33,907 --> 00:25:36,411
Holy shit, you don't know?
486
00:25:36,535 --> 00:25:38,670
This will change your life.
487
00:25:38,787 --> 00:25:42,749
(SINGING) Don't ever say you're lonely
Just lay your problems on me
488
00:25:42,750 --> 00:25:45,430
And I'll be waiting
there for you
489
00:25:46,003 --> 00:25:49,100
You guys love this shit more than
fanboys love Stan Lee, don't you?
490
00:25:49,214 --> 00:25:50,715
Who's Stan Lee?
491
00:25:50,716 --> 00:25:54,097
ALL: (SINGING) I'll carry
you I'll carry you
492
00:25:54,470 --> 00:25:56,272
I'll carry you
493
00:25:57,097 --> 00:26:00,146
So you know that I'll carry you
494
00:26:00,392 --> 00:26:02,351
I'll carry you
495
00:26:02,352 --> 00:26:04,523
I'll carry you
496
00:26:06,774 --> 00:26:09,275
Like you've been
running for hours
497
00:26:09,276 --> 00:26:10,943
And can't catch your breath
498
00:26:10,944 --> 00:26:14,242
The demons are screaming
so loud in your head
499
00:26:15,073 --> 00:26:16,949
You're tired You're broken
500
00:26:16,950 --> 00:26:19,118
You're cut and you're bruised
501
00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:20,453
But nothing's too heavy
Just hold on
502
00:26:20,454 --> 00:26:21,996
(MOANS SOFTLY)
503
00:26:21,997 --> 00:26:23,498
I'll carry you
504
00:26:23,499 --> 00:26:24,707
What the fuck was that?
505
00:26:24,708 --> 00:26:26,381
I know, right?
I'm soaked.
506
00:26:26,502 --> 00:26:28,544
That? That is
who you are, Mindy.
507
00:26:28,545 --> 00:26:30,633
You may not dress
like us or talk like us,
508
00:26:30,756 --> 00:26:33,093
but when it comes to boys,
we're all the same.
509
00:26:33,217 --> 00:26:36,147
Twilight. Channing Tatum.
Union J.
510
00:26:36,261 --> 00:26:39,559
It's biology, bitch.
Don't fight it.
511
00:26:42,267 --> 00:26:43,311
I, um...
512
00:26:44,019 --> 00:26:45,228
I gotta go.
513
00:26:45,229 --> 00:26:47,649
But we were gonna go and get high
on bath salts at Logan's house.
514
00:26:47,773 --> 00:26:49,315
Mindy, I wanna
give you a chance
515
00:26:49,316 --> 00:26:52,579
that the rest of the girls
in our class would kill for.
516
00:26:52,694 --> 00:26:56,372
Don't you wanna walk out the door
every day in skin-tight clothes
517
00:26:56,490 --> 00:26:59,171
knowing that
everyone worships you?
518
00:26:59,284 --> 00:27:02,499
Don't you wanna sneak out at
night, raise a little hell,
519
00:27:02,621 --> 00:27:04,372
and show the world
what a strong,
520
00:27:04,373 --> 00:27:07,303
independent woman
is capable of?
521
00:27:08,252 --> 00:27:09,545
Don't you wanna belong?
522
00:27:09,670 --> 00:27:13,339
So you know that I'll carry you
523
00:27:13,340 --> 00:27:14,590
Can I wear this to Logan's?
524
00:27:14,591 --> 00:27:15,683
Yay!
525
00:27:15,801 --> 00:27:17,272
HARLOW: It's gonna be
so much fun.
526
00:27:18,804 --> 00:27:22,481
So we tried the cops
and tried the newspapers,
527
00:27:23,767 --> 00:27:27,528
and even set up a, you know,
athing on the Internet
528
00:27:27,646 --> 00:27:30,327
for people to
help us find Tommy.
529
00:27:31,191 --> 00:27:32,650
Um...
530
00:27:32,651 --> 00:27:36,494
But we got nothing. We
never saw our son again.
531
00:27:37,739 --> 00:27:40,539
I came up with the name
Remembering Tommy,
532
00:27:40,659 --> 00:27:43,838
and, uh, we've been doing this
three nights aweek. So...
533
00:27:44,496 --> 00:27:47,000
Colonel Stars and Stripes
found us online.
534
00:27:47,541 --> 00:27:50,471
That's terrible, guys.
I'm real sorry.
535
00:27:50,586 --> 00:27:54,180
I became Night Bitch after my sister
was murdered and found in a dumpster.
536
00:27:54,298 --> 00:27:55,425
Holy shit.
537
00:27:55,549 --> 00:27:57,258
Doesn't bring her back,
538
00:27:57,259 --> 00:27:59,344
but at least I'm doing
something positive about it.
539
00:27:59,511 --> 00:28:01,433
Insect Man.
Yeah, um...
540
00:28:02,389 --> 00:28:05,153
I've been bullied my whole
life for being gay,
541
00:28:05,267 --> 00:28:08,197
so now I stand up
for the defenseless.
542
00:28:08,312 --> 00:28:10,563
That's why I don't wear a mask.
543
00:28:10,564 --> 00:28:12,149
Too much like being
back in the closet.
544
00:28:12,524 --> 00:28:14,525
COLONEL: Long as your
heart's in the right place,
545
00:28:14,526 --> 00:28:16,277
we don't care what you
put in your mouth.
546
00:28:16,278 --> 00:28:18,413
Fist bump. Thank you.
Thank you, sir.
547
00:28:18,989 --> 00:28:20,740
Well, I became Battle Guy
548
00:28:20,741 --> 00:28:24,452
after my parents were mugged and
killed coming home from the opera.
549
00:28:24,453 --> 00:28:26,078
Did I tell you
that sick bastard
550
00:28:26,079 --> 00:28:27,914
maxed out their credit
cards on porno sites?
551
00:28:27,915 --> 00:28:30,333
I hope we get the chance to
say hello to this guy someday
552
00:28:30,334 --> 00:28:33,014
so I can personally levitate
his soul from his body.
553
00:28:33,128 --> 00:28:34,765
Oh, my God. Marty?
554
00:28:35,047 --> 00:28:37,597
Yeah, I knew
I recognized your voice.
555
00:28:37,716 --> 00:28:39,887
No, I don't know what
you're talking about.
556
00:28:40,010 --> 00:28:42,596
I don't know no Marty.
New guy.
557
00:28:42,721 --> 00:28:45,307
Hey, asshole, it's me, Dave.
558
00:28:46,016 --> 00:28:49,231
Dave? Why are you
dressed like Kick-Ass?
559
00:28:49,353 --> 00:28:51,689
Because I'm Kick-Ass.
560
00:28:51,813 --> 00:28:53,022
COLONEL: You two
know each other?
561
00:28:53,023 --> 00:28:54,692
(CHUCKLES) Yeah,
like since we were five.
562
00:28:55,275 --> 00:28:58,454
What's all this bullshit about
your parents getting killed?
563
00:28:58,570 --> 00:29:00,124
Yeesh, language.
What?
564
00:29:00,238 --> 00:29:02,919
Battle Guy, care to
update your résumé?
565
00:29:03,325 --> 00:29:05,128
(SIGHS) Uh...
566
00:29:05,744 --> 00:29:07,370
I'm trying to figure out
how to explain this
567
00:29:07,371 --> 00:29:10,170
without sounding like
a complete idiot right now.
568
00:29:10,290 --> 00:29:12,583
Yeah, I'm not sure
that's possible, Batman.
569
00:29:12,584 --> 00:29:13,628
MARTY: I'm not, either.
570
00:29:14,294 --> 00:29:15,628
Um...
571
00:29:15,629 --> 00:29:17,254
Okay. Well, when I found
you guys online,
572
00:29:17,255 --> 00:29:19,924
you were all swapping these
awesome origin stories.
573
00:29:19,925 --> 00:29:21,965
I mean, Colonel, you're
ex-Mafia, for Christ's sake.
574
00:29:22,052 --> 00:29:25,101
Yo. Don't take
the Lord's name in vain.
575
00:29:25,222 --> 00:29:26,812
I'm sorry.
576
00:29:27,432 --> 00:29:30,017
I didn't think you'd
let me join the team
577
00:29:30,018 --> 00:29:32,106
unless I had a good story, too.
578
00:29:32,896 --> 00:29:37,037
All right, we'll let you off the
hook this time, Battle Guy.
579
00:29:37,776 --> 00:29:40,030
Wanna see something cool?
Yeah.
580
00:29:40,904 --> 00:29:42,790
I thought this could
be our meeting room.
581
00:29:43,281 --> 00:29:45,251
DAVE: Whoa, this is so cool.
582
00:29:45,367 --> 00:29:47,743
Now this little renovation
was totally clandestine,
583
00:29:47,744 --> 00:29:49,963
which means nobody knew about it.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
584
00:29:50,080 --> 00:29:54,256
Now, I know it's not much, but
this is just the beginning.
585
00:29:54,376 --> 00:29:56,210
Together we can make
a real difference.
586
00:29:56,211 --> 00:29:57,303
Whoa!
587
00:29:58,630 --> 00:30:00,172
If you'd consider it,
Kick-Ass,
588
00:30:00,173 --> 00:30:01,929
we'd be honored
to have you join us.
589
00:30:05,721 --> 00:30:07,227
Hell, yeah!
(ALL CHEERING)
590
00:30:07,889 --> 00:30:09,977
That's what I like to hear.
591
00:30:10,100 --> 00:30:12,893
Right, time for initiation.
592
00:30:12,894 --> 00:30:14,235
Turn around and I'll unzip you.
593
00:30:15,355 --> 00:30:16,447
I'm sorry, what?
594
00:30:16,565 --> 00:30:18,649
Just joking. Let's get
down to business.
595
00:30:18,650 --> 00:30:20,371
(ALL LAUGHING) Gotcha.
596
00:30:20,610 --> 00:30:22,611
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
BROOKE: There you are.
597
00:30:22,612 --> 00:30:25,626
We saved you a seat in the
caf, but you never showed.
598
00:30:25,741 --> 00:30:28,326
I usually head over to the
Olive Garden to carb load.
599
00:30:29,286 --> 00:30:31,245
I haven't had white sugar
since my first birthday.
600
00:30:31,246 --> 00:30:32,539
Do we need a thintervention?
601
00:30:32,664 --> 00:30:36,010
Come on, best way to tighten up
a tummy is varsity dance team.
602
00:30:36,126 --> 00:30:38,380
The sign-up sheet
just went up.
603
00:30:40,839 --> 00:30:43,424
It's still blowing
my mind. Kick-Ass.
604
00:30:43,425 --> 00:30:44,592
It's like finding out
your best friend's
605
00:30:44,593 --> 00:30:45,926
always been Will Smith,
you know?
606
00:30:45,927 --> 00:30:47,094
(BOTH LAUGHING)
607
00:30:47,095 --> 00:30:49,646
Hi, guys. What are you
talking about?
608
00:30:49,765 --> 00:30:51,105
Nothing.
609
00:30:51,391 --> 00:30:53,942
Nothing?
Yeah, Todd, nothing.
610
00:30:55,103 --> 00:30:57,108
All right.
See you around, guys.
611
00:30:57,522 --> 00:30:59,029
Todd, wait.
612
00:30:59,983 --> 00:31:02,866
Ow, watch it.
Watch me end your life.
613
00:31:03,028 --> 00:31:04,278
Come on. Forget it.
614
00:31:04,279 --> 00:31:06,572
Just one of the dickheads that
follows The Motherfucker on Twitter.
615
00:31:06,573 --> 00:31:07,740
Who?
616
00:31:07,741 --> 00:31:08,949
The Motherfucker.
He's some guy
617
00:31:08,950 --> 00:31:10,576
claiming to be the world's
first supervillain.
618
00:31:10,577 --> 00:31:12,369
He's got 1,000
followers already.
619
00:31:12,370 --> 00:31:13,537
What an asshole.
620
00:31:13,538 --> 00:31:15,164
(BELL DINGS)
(GRUNTS)
621
00:31:15,165 --> 00:31:16,672
Get some!
Uh-huh! Yeah!
622
00:31:16,792 --> 00:31:18,631
You got this, Motherfucker!
623
00:31:18,752 --> 00:31:20,461
You really think
he's got a shot?
624
00:31:20,462 --> 00:31:22,134
I wouldn't take
his money if I didn't.
625
00:31:22,255 --> 00:31:23,964
MMA is like chess.
626
00:31:23,965 --> 00:31:27,263
It's all about the moves. And
your boy really knows his stuff.
627
00:31:29,513 --> 00:31:31,430
Time to die, asshole.
628
00:31:31,431 --> 00:31:32,765
(GRUNTS)
629
00:31:32,766 --> 00:31:34,016
(GROANS)
630
00:31:34,017 --> 00:31:36,188
You all right?
I'm cool. Ow!
631
00:31:36,520 --> 00:31:39,485
Good job.
Nice jab, buddy.
632
00:31:39,606 --> 00:31:42,026
Come on, stay loose, baby.
Walk it off, walk it off.
633
00:31:42,818 --> 00:31:44,819
ALL: Oh!
CHRIS: (GROANS) Shit!
634
00:31:44,820 --> 00:31:46,207
Oh, you broke my leg!
635
00:31:46,655 --> 00:31:48,531
Come on. Do something.
CHUCK: Let's take a break.
636
00:31:48,532 --> 00:31:49,990
JAVIER: Yeah, yeah, let's
take a break, guys. Come on.
637
00:31:49,991 --> 00:31:51,249
Street rules, bitch!
638
00:31:52,494 --> 00:31:53,882
(GRUNTS)
639
00:31:55,372 --> 00:31:57,424
Chuck! Get this girl off me!
640
00:31:57,874 --> 00:31:59,708
Hey, what are you doing?
What are you doing, man?
641
00:31:59,709 --> 00:32:01,418
You all right, Chris?
You all right, buddy?
642
00:32:01,419 --> 00:32:03,212
Get off me!
I was winning.
643
00:32:03,213 --> 00:32:04,720
No, you were crying.
644
00:32:05,549 --> 00:32:09,310
You know what? Screw this.
My super power
645
00:32:10,303 --> 00:32:12,179
is that I'm rich as shit.
646
00:32:12,180 --> 00:32:13,901
Hey, you wanna
work for me, huh?
647
00:32:14,516 --> 00:32:16,770
You wanna beat
people up for me?
648
00:32:17,102 --> 00:32:18,692
Sure.
All right!
649
00:32:18,812 --> 00:32:20,563
Let's get you
a mask and a costume,
650
00:32:20,564 --> 00:32:23,862
and we will call you
Black Death.
651
00:32:23,984 --> 00:32:27,246
Whoa, whoa, you don't think that's
just a little bit incredibly racist?
652
00:32:27,362 --> 00:32:28,571
I don't give a shit.
653
00:32:28,572 --> 00:32:30,114
I want you to put the word out
654
00:32:30,115 --> 00:32:31,866
that I'm willing
to pay top dollar
655
00:32:31,867 --> 00:32:33,159
for every hired hitter in town.
656
00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:34,368
Come on, come on.
Just talk about it first.
657
00:32:34,369 --> 00:32:35,461
Money talks.
658
00:32:35,579 --> 00:32:37,872
You wanted me to be my own man.
659
00:32:37,873 --> 00:32:39,344
This is what it looks like.
660
00:32:40,876 --> 00:32:42,877
All right, all right, I'll
make some calls. Yes!
661
00:32:42,878 --> 00:32:45,677
Anybody else wanna
be a supervillain?
662
00:32:45,797 --> 00:32:48,340
Promise I pay better than
Chuck-little-dick-Liddell.
663
00:32:48,341 --> 00:32:50,009
What did you call me?
No, no, man.
664
00:32:50,010 --> 00:32:52,346
He took a hit to the head.
Doesn't know what he's saying.
665
00:32:52,762 --> 00:32:55,776
BROOKE: I've been studying
privately with Coach Podell.
666
00:32:55,891 --> 00:32:59,687
And by studying, I mean my mom
paid her off to make me varsity.
667
00:32:59,811 --> 00:33:03,442
So, if you're half decent, I'll
make sure she puts you on the team.
668
00:33:03,565 --> 00:33:05,191
At least as an alternate.
669
00:33:05,192 --> 00:33:06,829
You'd do that for me?
670
00:33:07,235 --> 00:33:09,240
Besties stick together.
671
00:33:09,905 --> 00:33:12,455
If Brooke wants a pet,
she should just get a dog.
672
00:33:12,574 --> 00:33:14,828
She's just trying to recreate
Mindy in her own image.
673
00:33:14,951 --> 00:33:16,995
All right, ladies, have a seat.
Let's get started.
674
00:33:17,245 --> 00:33:19,665
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
675
00:33:56,326 --> 00:33:57,880
COACH: Mindy Macready?
676
00:34:01,039 --> 00:34:05,298
Chill. As long as you don't
fall on your face, you're in.
677
00:34:05,961 --> 00:34:07,004
Go.
678
00:34:19,307 --> 00:34:20,641
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
679
00:34:20,642 --> 00:34:22,142
Four attackers.
680
00:34:22,143 --> 00:34:23,936
(GRUNTING)
681
00:34:23,937 --> 00:34:25,657
No escape.
682
00:34:27,732 --> 00:34:29,405
(GRUNTING)
683
00:34:57,804 --> 00:34:58,931
(GROANING)
684
00:35:03,601 --> 00:35:04,693
(MUSIC STOPS)
685
00:35:07,814 --> 00:35:09,784
(PANTING)
686
00:35:10,775 --> 00:35:12,448
(ALL CHEERING)
687
00:35:18,491 --> 00:35:20,284
HARLOW: Oh, my God. You
could totally make captain.
688
00:35:20,285 --> 00:35:22,202
That was so much
better than Brooke's.
689
00:35:22,203 --> 00:35:23,662
Oh, my God.
690
00:35:23,663 --> 00:35:26,082
GIRL: Brooke doesn't stand a
chance for captain after that.
691
00:35:26,499 --> 00:35:28,709
DAVE: A bunch of people
with made-up names
692
00:35:28,710 --> 00:35:31,128
standing around
in homemade costumes,
693
00:35:31,129 --> 00:35:33,964
searching the web
for unsolved crimes.
694
00:35:33,965 --> 00:35:36,599
The comic book heroes
all have billion-dollar bases
695
00:35:36,718 --> 00:35:39,897
and headquarters on the moon,
but this is the real world.
696
00:35:40,055 --> 00:35:42,439
...scales, like a red, white and blue.
It's awesome.
697
00:35:42,557 --> 00:35:44,230
What's that?
Brick.
698
00:35:44,392 --> 00:35:45,484
Right.
699
00:35:47,103 --> 00:35:49,155
What do you think?
I think it does the job.
700
00:35:49,272 --> 00:35:51,107
COLONEL: People should get
what they deserve.
701
00:35:51,274 --> 00:35:53,575
Family living in the street
deserves a hot meal.
702
00:35:54,194 --> 00:35:57,237
An inebriated college girl deserves
to make it home safe at night.
703
00:35:57,238 --> 00:36:00,086
And a pervert, pedophile,
704
00:36:01,910 --> 00:36:04,246
deserves a visit
from Eisenhower.
705
00:36:04,579 --> 00:36:05,837
Schwantz!
(BARKS)
706
00:36:06,247 --> 00:36:07,581
Ouch.
707
00:36:07,582 --> 00:36:09,208
You don't wanna hit
with your closed fist.
708
00:36:09,209 --> 00:36:11,502
You might break your hand,
then you're defenseless.
709
00:36:11,503 --> 00:36:15,097
You wanna hit with open palm and pivot.
Open palm and pivot.
710
00:36:15,256 --> 00:36:16,300
Grab the back...
711
00:36:16,591 --> 00:36:19,142
DAVE: I never made
varsity football
712
00:36:19,260 --> 00:36:21,261
or got cast in the school play.
(ALL CHEERING)
713
00:36:21,262 --> 00:36:23,517
Hell, I never even
made honor roll.
714
00:36:23,640 --> 00:36:24,850
Knock out, bitch!
715
00:36:25,350 --> 00:36:29,609
But if I had, I gotta believe it
would've felt a lot like this.
716
00:36:29,896 --> 00:36:32,945
ALL: When the cops can no
longer protect and serve,
717
00:36:33,066 --> 00:36:35,818
be warned, mugger,
heads up, perv.
718
00:36:35,819 --> 00:36:38,287
We got the strength,
we got the nerve
719
00:36:38,405 --> 00:36:40,989
to give those in need
what they deserve!
720
00:36:40,990 --> 00:36:42,996
Justice Forever!
721
00:36:44,577 --> 00:36:46,662
DAVE: We were in
the ultimate clique.
722
00:36:46,663 --> 00:36:48,831
It didn't matter that
no one else knew.
723
00:36:48,832 --> 00:36:51,797
We knew.
And we felt like rock stars.
724
00:36:52,669 --> 00:36:55,129
Good night, guys.
Nice job. Battle Guy.
725
00:36:55,130 --> 00:36:57,810
Night, Colonel.
Thanks for everything.
726
00:36:58,091 --> 00:37:00,262
No, son, thank you.
727
00:37:00,427 --> 00:37:03,178
You showed us that every
man can make a difference.
728
00:37:03,179 --> 00:37:06,358
Without Kick-Ass,
none of us would be here.
729
00:37:06,641 --> 00:37:09,987
That's from the heart. Don't
let it go to your head.
730
00:37:10,979 --> 00:37:12,153
(SIGHS)
731
00:37:13,106 --> 00:37:14,198
So...
732
00:37:15,358 --> 00:37:17,494
I'm not really that tired.
733
00:37:26,995 --> 00:37:28,122
Mmm.
734
00:37:28,246 --> 00:37:30,381
(MOANING)
Mmm-mmm?
735
00:37:30,915 --> 00:37:32,082
Mmm. Okay.
736
00:37:32,083 --> 00:37:34,088
Let's leave the masks on.
737
00:37:34,544 --> 00:37:36,378
Yeah?
Yeah.
738
00:37:36,379 --> 00:37:37,553
Yeah!
739
00:37:40,758 --> 00:37:42,645
DAVE: First big
mission's tonight
740
00:37:42,760 --> 00:37:44,511
and it's not community service.
741
00:37:44,512 --> 00:37:46,980
We're taking on
some real bad guys.
742
00:37:47,098 --> 00:37:48,854
What, can't your
team handle it?
743
00:37:48,975 --> 00:37:50,648
They're not you, Mindy.
744
00:37:50,768 --> 00:37:53,562
Remembering Tommy
owns a dry fruit business.
745
00:37:53,563 --> 00:37:54,951
Night Bitch teaches ballet.
746
00:37:55,064 --> 00:37:56,565
Night Bitch?
747
00:37:56,566 --> 00:37:59,330
What is she? A superhero
or a soft core porno?
748
00:37:59,444 --> 00:38:01,413
Maybe a little bit of both.
749
00:38:01,529 --> 00:38:04,744
Oh, God, you're plugging her?
750
00:38:04,866 --> 00:38:06,788
I'm gonna vom.
751
00:38:06,910 --> 00:38:08,285
You're like a ninja.
752
00:38:08,286 --> 00:38:11,584
Can't you just sneak out
after Marcus goes to sleep?
753
00:38:12,373 --> 00:38:14,379
You don't get it, Dave.
754
00:38:16,169 --> 00:38:17,586
I made a promise to Marcus.
755
00:38:17,587 --> 00:38:20,387
So break it. You're a
superhero, remember?
756
00:38:20,507 --> 00:38:23,092
Mindy Macready's
just a disguise.
757
00:38:23,468 --> 00:38:26,267
Yeah, well, I don't know what
kind of superhero Night Whore is,
758
00:38:26,387 --> 00:38:29,181
but if you really think
I'd ever break my word,
759
00:38:29,182 --> 00:38:30,772
you obviously have
no idea who I am.
760
00:38:30,892 --> 00:38:33,478
I know that making dance team doesn't
make you stop being who you are.
761
00:38:33,603 --> 00:38:35,687
I know Hit Girl
couldn't give a shit
762
00:38:35,688 --> 00:38:37,272
about what high school
girls are into.
763
00:38:37,273 --> 00:38:40,821
I know that you wouldn't go on a
date if your life depended on it.
764
00:38:40,944 --> 00:38:42,152
Go to hell, Dave.
765
00:38:42,153 --> 00:38:44,075
What? You know I'm right.
766
00:38:45,490 --> 00:38:47,412
Hey! Roid Rage.
767
00:38:47,534 --> 00:38:49,005
Me?
Yeah.
768
00:38:49,118 --> 00:38:50,619
You wanna take me
on a date sometime?
769
00:38:50,620 --> 00:38:52,707
Uh, yeah.
Sure. Um...
770
00:38:53,331 --> 00:38:56,179
My name's, um, Simon.
(CHUCKLES)
771
00:38:56,751 --> 00:38:58,756
Great, um, Simon.
772
00:38:59,712 --> 00:39:00,923
It's a date.
773
00:39:01,965 --> 00:39:03,507
Mindy, I'm sorry.
774
00:39:03,508 --> 00:39:04,675
Is there a problem, Min?
775
00:39:04,676 --> 00:39:05,719
MINDY: Zero.
776
00:39:05,843 --> 00:39:08,727
Good. Because
I don't like problems.
777
00:39:09,973 --> 00:39:12,182
MR. LIZEWSKI: Dave, you been
sneaking out at night?
778
00:39:12,183 --> 00:39:13,350
Mrs. Neipert said
779
00:39:13,351 --> 00:39:15,435
she thought she saw you leaving
at 2:00 in the morning.
780
00:39:15,436 --> 00:39:17,938
Miss Neipert's crazy, Dad.
781
00:39:17,939 --> 00:39:20,110
She tried to teach
her dog Spanish.
782
00:39:21,818 --> 00:39:23,538
Are you on drugs?
783
00:39:23,820 --> 00:39:25,112
Seriously?
784
00:39:25,113 --> 00:39:26,287
I gotta ask.
785
00:39:26,406 --> 00:39:29,752
You're my best bud and
you're growing up so fast.
786
00:39:30,201 --> 00:39:32,621
Promise me you're not
doing anything foolish?
787
00:39:33,621 --> 00:39:35,258
Yeah, I promise.
788
00:39:36,082 --> 00:39:37,340
Good enough for me, pal.
789
00:39:37,625 --> 00:39:38,917
(CHUCKLES)
790
00:39:38,918 --> 00:39:41,599
You're too smart to
do anything stupid.
791
00:39:42,380 --> 00:39:45,966
Justice Forever!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
792
00:39:45,967 --> 00:39:48,767
I'm glad you got that out of your system.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
793
00:39:50,263 --> 00:39:53,849
Oh, Todd texted me.
Again. What a loser.
794
00:39:53,850 --> 00:39:55,058
(CHUCKLES)
795
00:39:55,059 --> 00:39:57,311
Dude, how bad-ass is
Colonel Stars and Stripes?
796
00:39:57,312 --> 00:39:59,730
Yeah, I still can't believe
he's an ex-mob enforcer.
797
00:39:59,731 --> 00:40:02,107
I mean, how do you go from
that to being a superhero?
798
00:40:02,108 --> 00:40:03,442
He's a born-again Christian.
799
00:40:03,443 --> 00:40:04,700
Shut up.
Yeah.
800
00:40:05,903 --> 00:40:08,454
Let's hope he
can handle tonight.
801
00:40:11,200 --> 00:40:13,537
I guess we're
about to find out.
802
00:40:20,460 --> 00:40:22,429
Hey. Where's the rest
of the team?
803
00:40:22,545 --> 00:40:24,379
Dr. Gravity has the flu,
804
00:40:24,380 --> 00:40:26,715
and Remembering Tommy got
Book of Mormon tickets, so...
805
00:40:26,716 --> 00:40:28,306
COLONEL: That's okay.
806
00:40:28,926 --> 00:40:30,260
Five of us should do.
807
00:40:30,261 --> 00:40:32,847
How did you say this guy made
his money, sir? Prostitution?
808
00:40:33,056 --> 00:40:37,768
Not just girls. Kids. Ships them
in from villages back home.
809
00:40:37,769 --> 00:40:39,774
Boneheads in blue
take a blind eye.
810
00:40:39,896 --> 00:40:41,855
How do you know
he's here tonight?
811
00:40:41,856 --> 00:40:44,075
Because Thursday night
is poker night.
812
00:40:44,192 --> 00:40:46,902
Same five low-lifes
every week.
813
00:40:46,903 --> 00:40:48,612
Man with a habit
ain't hard to find.
814
00:40:48,613 --> 00:40:51,377
So what's the plan?
Are we sneaking in?
815
00:40:51,491 --> 00:40:52,908
I thought we'd knock.
It's more polite.
816
00:40:52,909 --> 00:40:54,166
What?
817
00:40:54,827 --> 00:40:56,832
Stay frosty, team.
818
00:40:57,372 --> 00:41:00,420
I used to eat punks
like this for breakfast.
819
00:41:02,669 --> 00:41:03,760
Jehovah's Witness!
820
00:41:07,840 --> 00:41:09,643
(ALL SPEAKING CANTONESE)
821
00:41:13,096 --> 00:41:14,353
(ALL LAUGHING)
822
00:41:17,100 --> 00:41:19,271
I'm sorry, I just
zoned out for a second.
823
00:41:19,394 --> 00:41:22,775
Did you say that we're going
up against five gangsters?
824
00:41:22,897 --> 00:41:24,451
And bouncer makes six.
825
00:41:28,361 --> 00:41:29,611
And three-quarters.
826
00:41:29,612 --> 00:41:31,748
What the fuck do you want?
827
00:41:31,864 --> 00:41:35,044
Good evening, young man. We'd
like a word with Jimmy Kim.
828
00:41:35,159 --> 00:41:36,452
If it's not too inconvenient.
829
00:41:39,247 --> 00:41:43,755
Get the fuck out of here before I
tear your head off, you old fuck.
830
00:41:45,002 --> 00:41:46,046
I'm sorry.
831
00:41:46,921 --> 00:41:48,511
I think we're in trouble.
832
00:41:48,631 --> 00:41:51,007
I just don't understand
why people feel the need
833
00:41:51,008 --> 00:41:52,895
to use that kind of language.
(GROANS)
834
00:41:57,890 --> 00:41:59,141
(GASPS) Whoa!
835
00:41:59,142 --> 00:42:00,483
There he goes.
836
00:42:03,229 --> 00:42:05,230
Oh, sweet Jesus.
837
00:42:05,231 --> 00:42:09,735
Battle Guy, what did I tell you about
taking the Lord's name in vain?
838
00:42:09,736 --> 00:42:10,827
Sorry, sir.
839
00:42:10,987 --> 00:42:13,371
Eisenhower, at the ready.
840
00:42:13,489 --> 00:42:15,115
Insect Man, I want
you right behind me.
841
00:42:15,116 --> 00:42:17,501
Everybody else spread out,
catch the strays.
842
00:42:17,785 --> 00:42:18,952
Oh.
843
00:42:18,953 --> 00:42:23,010
And try to have fun,
otherwise what's the point?
844
00:42:24,542 --> 00:42:27,010
Nice party.
Anybody wanna dance?
845
00:42:27,170 --> 00:42:28,807
(SPEAKING CANTONESE)
846
00:42:32,592 --> 00:42:34,015
(GROANS)
847
00:42:34,218 --> 00:42:35,690
Where are you going?
848
00:42:37,054 --> 00:42:38,442
(ALL GRUNTING)
849
00:42:42,310 --> 00:42:43,651
Very nice.
Behind you!
850
00:42:45,271 --> 00:42:46,315
(GROANS)
851
00:42:46,981 --> 00:42:48,488
Watch the birdie.
852
00:42:49,734 --> 00:42:51,241
Whoo!
(GRUNTS)
853
00:42:52,111 --> 00:42:53,499
(GROANING)
854
00:42:57,742 --> 00:42:58,950
Don't you move.
855
00:42:58,951 --> 00:43:00,203
MARTY: Night Bitch!
Behind you!
856
00:43:01,037 --> 00:43:02,674
(GRUNTING)
857
00:43:05,166 --> 00:43:06,258
Wait.
858
00:43:07,710 --> 00:43:09,051
MARTY: Look out!
859
00:43:16,677 --> 00:43:18,932
Okay, I got his right arm.
860
00:43:20,097 --> 00:43:21,308
(SCREAMS)
861
00:43:24,185 --> 00:43:25,602
(CHOKING)
862
00:43:25,603 --> 00:43:27,270
You know, you shouldn't talk
with your mouth full.
863
00:43:27,271 --> 00:43:29,856
It's very rude.
Come on.
864
00:43:29,857 --> 00:43:31,358
(GROANS)
865
00:43:31,359 --> 00:43:32,616
Who the hell are you?
866
00:43:34,278 --> 00:43:35,570
We're the good guys.
867
00:43:35,571 --> 00:43:38,371
Oh, no, you're
the fucking dead guys.
868
00:43:40,952 --> 00:43:42,754
Eisenhower! Schwantz!
(EISENHOWER BARKING)
869
00:43:45,581 --> 00:43:47,468
(SCREAMING)
870
00:43:48,084 --> 00:43:49,840
Oh!
(SHRIEKS)
871
00:43:51,128 --> 00:43:52,295
Ow!
872
00:43:52,296 --> 00:43:53,463
Where are the girls?
873
00:43:53,464 --> 00:43:55,841
Come on, man.
I've got a heart problem.
874
00:43:55,842 --> 00:43:56,933
Oh, yeah?
875
00:43:57,677 --> 00:43:58,844
No.
876
00:43:58,845 --> 00:44:00,595
Do you want me
to solve that for you?
877
00:44:00,596 --> 00:44:02,518
Whoa, whoa!
(EISENHOWER GROWLING)
878
00:44:02,807 --> 00:44:05,986
Okay. The girls are
upstairs in the apartments.
879
00:44:06,102 --> 00:44:10,325
My little brother, he's on the till.
He's just a college kid.
880
00:44:10,481 --> 00:44:12,202
Kick-Ass, Night Bitch.
On it.
881
00:44:12,316 --> 00:44:15,330
Ralph D'Amico is
gonna end you for this.
882
00:44:15,444 --> 00:44:16,832
Ow! It hurts!
883
00:44:16,946 --> 00:44:20,161
(LAUGHING) Yeah,
there's a dog on your balls.
884
00:44:22,285 --> 00:44:25,049
You want money? There's
50 grand on the table.
885
00:44:25,162 --> 00:44:28,010
Please just make him stop! Please!
(EISENHOWER GROWLING)
886
00:44:28,207 --> 00:44:31,339
You think you can buy us?
Is that what you think?
887
00:44:31,460 --> 00:44:33,631
We're not here
to steal from you.
888
00:44:34,171 --> 00:44:38,763
We're here to send a message to
all the other bottom-dwellers.
889
00:44:39,760 --> 00:44:42,095
We're shutting you down.
NIGHT BITCH: Come on.
890
00:44:42,096 --> 00:44:44,931
There's a van waiting outside
from a battered women's shelter.
891
00:44:44,932 --> 00:44:47,350
It'll take you some place safe.
892
00:44:47,351 --> 00:44:49,403
Go. Go.
We really can't leave.
893
00:44:49,520 --> 00:44:51,276
We have no money.
894
00:44:52,189 --> 00:44:54,195
Battle Guy, how much
they have on the table?
895
00:44:54,358 --> 00:44:56,245
Oh, it's like 50 grand.
896
00:44:56,360 --> 00:44:58,116
You got plenty now.
897
00:44:58,237 --> 00:44:59,708
Thank you.
898
00:45:10,416 --> 00:45:12,125
COLONEL: Good job, guys.
(HEROES CHEERING)
899
00:45:12,126 --> 00:45:14,630
Very tidy. Very tidy.
900
00:45:14,754 --> 00:45:17,719
I can't believe you pulled
a gun on that guy.
901
00:45:17,882 --> 00:45:19,549
Were you really
gonna shoot him?
902
00:45:19,550 --> 00:45:21,472
Let you in on a little secret.
903
00:45:23,054 --> 00:45:25,805
Empty.
Don't tell the bad guys.
904
00:45:25,806 --> 00:45:29,982
Pardon my language, Colonel, but
you have got some serious balls.
905
00:45:30,102 --> 00:45:32,321
Certainly more than Mr. Kim.
(ALL LAUGHING)
906
00:45:32,521 --> 00:45:34,823
(STAMMERS) "There's
a dog on my balls."
907
00:45:37,860 --> 00:45:38,952
CHRIS: God damn it.
908
00:45:39,403 --> 00:45:41,488
Javier!
What happened?
909
00:45:41,489 --> 00:45:44,115
Some douche just posted a link
to a story about a whorehouse,
910
00:45:44,116 --> 00:45:46,201
says that Kick-Ass'
team took them out.
911
00:45:46,202 --> 00:45:47,922
What the hell?
Where's my crew?
912
00:45:48,037 --> 00:45:49,287
Chris, everybody's just...
913
00:45:49,288 --> 00:45:50,415
(WATER SPLASHING)
914
00:45:50,998 --> 00:45:53,881
Uh, can you ladies
excuse us for a second?
915
00:45:54,001 --> 00:45:55,293
Uh, no, they're my sidekicks.
916
00:45:55,294 --> 00:45:56,753
They can listen to
what we have to say.
917
00:45:56,754 --> 00:45:57,921
They're not
your sidekicks, Chris.
918
00:45:57,922 --> 00:46:00,256
They're prostitutes
and witnesses, come on.
919
00:46:00,257 --> 00:46:02,097
All right.
Sorry, no offense.
920
00:46:02,760 --> 00:46:06,012
Everybody's just too afraid of
your Uncle Ralph to take the job.
921
00:46:06,013 --> 00:46:07,180
But he's in prison.
922
00:46:07,181 --> 00:46:09,349
Doesn't matter.
He runs the family now.
923
00:46:09,350 --> 00:46:11,604
And he wants
everybody to lay low.
924
00:46:11,727 --> 00:46:13,103
But, fortunately for you,
925
00:46:13,104 --> 00:46:15,607
Big Tony doesn't know how
to lay low, so he's in.
926
00:46:15,731 --> 00:46:18,068
I don't remember a Big Tony.
Is he huge? He's ironic.
927
00:46:19,026 --> 00:46:21,778
5 foot 4, but mean as shit.
928
00:46:21,779 --> 00:46:22,823
(GROANS)
929
00:46:26,117 --> 00:46:28,797
He's got such a hard-on
for killing people.
930
00:46:29,328 --> 00:46:32,425
He's little and he kills.
Right.
931
00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:34,464
Call him "The Tumor."
932
00:46:34,583 --> 00:46:35,750
Who's next?
933
00:46:35,751 --> 00:46:38,962
JAVIER: All right, we've got, uh, an
ex-Triad member looking for work.
934
00:46:38,963 --> 00:46:40,932
Easy, "Genghis Carnage."
Come on.
935
00:46:42,216 --> 00:46:44,718
You gotta quit with the
racist stereotypes, Chris.
936
00:46:44,719 --> 00:46:46,724
Archetypes.
Keep going.
937
00:46:46,846 --> 00:46:48,930
We got, uh,
Katarina Dumbrovski.
938
00:46:48,931 --> 00:46:50,140
Wait, wait. A chick?
939
00:46:50,141 --> 00:46:51,307
JAVIER: Yeah.
940
00:46:51,308 --> 00:46:52,851
CHRIS: Seriously,
you hired a chick?
941
00:46:52,852 --> 00:46:57,526
Yeah. Former KGB. She was locked up in
the Gulag until she ate her cellmate.
942
00:46:57,648 --> 00:47:00,282
Okay. "Mother Russia."
943
00:47:01,318 --> 00:47:03,820
Mother Russia and Motherfucker
both on the same team?
944
00:47:03,821 --> 00:47:04,988
That doesn't work, Chris.
945
00:47:04,989 --> 00:47:06,865
I am not asking for
suggestions, asshole.
946
00:47:06,866 --> 00:47:10,045
Just get them costumes
and get them ready!
947
00:47:10,494 --> 00:47:11,661
Shit.
948
00:47:11,662 --> 00:47:13,501
Javier, thank you.
949
00:47:14,123 --> 00:47:16,543
I couldn't do this without you.
950
00:47:17,793 --> 00:47:20,723
You're pretty much like the
only real family I have left.
951
00:47:21,297 --> 00:47:23,800
Not a problem, man.
I got your back.
952
00:47:23,924 --> 00:47:27,637
It's kinda like you're the
Alfred to my evil Bruce Wayne.
953
00:47:27,762 --> 00:47:29,434
Did you just call me
your fucking butler?
954
00:47:29,680 --> 00:47:31,317
Yeah, is that not a compliment?
955
00:47:31,515 --> 00:47:32,682
(CHUCKLES)
956
00:47:32,683 --> 00:47:34,688
Shit. My bad.
957
00:47:38,105 --> 00:47:40,315
DAVE: There wasn't
much action most nights.
958
00:47:40,316 --> 00:47:43,828
I mean, there was always a
little action with Night Bitch.
959
00:47:46,530 --> 00:47:49,876
The reality of being a
superhero is lots of patrols.
960
00:47:50,034 --> 00:47:53,332
But that didn't stop people
from begging to join up.
961
00:47:56,457 --> 00:48:00,467
With all our new members, it seemed
kinda shitty not to ask Todd.
962
00:48:02,463 --> 00:48:04,848
Stop peeking, man,
you're gonna ruin it.
963
00:48:04,965 --> 00:48:07,979
Check it out.
964
00:48:08,969 --> 00:48:12,555
You can't fight crime in that. Your
pants are so tight, you got frog-eye.
965
00:48:12,556 --> 00:48:14,182
(GIGGLING) What the
hell's "frog-eye"?
966
00:48:14,183 --> 00:48:15,892
Male camel toe.
What?
967
00:48:15,893 --> 00:48:20,402
I'm not really sure about these names, either.
"Whup-Ass," "Kick-Ass-Man."
968
00:48:21,065 --> 00:48:22,785
"Dr. Kick-Ass"?
Yeah.
969
00:48:22,900 --> 00:48:25,913
Yeah, they all
kinda seem derivative.
970
00:48:26,028 --> 00:48:27,403
MARTY: Let me translate that.
971
00:48:27,404 --> 00:48:30,038
You can't just copy Dave's
name, you knob-gobbler.
972
00:48:30,908 --> 00:48:32,201
Okay. Um...
973
00:48:32,993 --> 00:48:34,202
Uh...
974
00:48:34,203 --> 00:48:36,290
Oh, wait. Oh, I got it.
975
00:48:36,539 --> 00:48:37,749
I got it. I got it.
976
00:48:39,583 --> 00:48:41,256
"Ass Kicker."
977
00:48:42,920 --> 00:48:44,295
Seriously?
978
00:48:44,296 --> 00:48:45,630
You're such a dick, Marty.
979
00:48:45,631 --> 00:48:47,257
I know this is why you guys
aren't texting me back,
980
00:48:47,258 --> 00:48:48,424
I'm not an actual idiot.
981
00:48:48,425 --> 00:48:50,596
Well, you could have
fooled me, Ass-Licker.
982
00:48:50,970 --> 00:48:54,055
Yeah, well, screw you guys.
(LAUGHING) Todd...
983
00:48:54,056 --> 00:48:56,015
No, really.
Fuck you guys.
984
00:48:56,016 --> 00:48:57,274
I'm gonna go find my own team.
985
00:48:57,393 --> 00:48:58,977
Todd. Wait. Come on.
986
00:48:58,978 --> 00:49:00,188
(SIGHS)
987
00:49:00,729 --> 00:49:03,815
DAVE: Todd was right,
we were being dicks.
988
00:49:03,816 --> 00:49:05,275
But the truth is,
the only person
989
00:49:05,276 --> 00:49:08,159
I really wanted on
the team was Mindy,
990
00:49:08,571 --> 00:49:11,785
but she was too busy
trying not to be a superhero.
991
00:49:12,283 --> 00:49:14,122
Okay, Min, he's here.
992
00:49:20,791 --> 00:49:23,472
Your first big date.
How are you feeling?
993
00:49:23,627 --> 00:49:25,628
Like the first time
Big Daddy sent me into
994
00:49:25,629 --> 00:49:28,310
a crack den with nothing
but a penknife.
995
00:49:29,008 --> 00:49:31,179
I've got some butterflies.
996
00:49:32,386 --> 00:49:35,399
You just be yourself
and you let me be nervous.
997
00:49:35,514 --> 00:49:39,225
Don't worry about me. I can
kill a man with his own finger.
998
00:49:39,226 --> 00:49:42,275
A word of advice, I wouldn't
open with that. (CHUCKLES)
999
00:49:46,609 --> 00:49:48,818
Thanks for letting me
finally take you out.
1000
00:49:48,819 --> 00:49:49,993
Well, uh,
1001
00:49:50,404 --> 00:49:53,334
how else was I gonna get
you to stop calling?
1002
00:49:53,657 --> 00:49:55,662
Thanks.
You're welcome.
1003
00:49:59,538 --> 00:50:00,831
(ENGINE STARTS)
1004
00:50:08,881 --> 00:50:10,173
MINDY: Where are we going?
1005
00:50:10,174 --> 00:50:11,348
SIMON: To a party.
1006
00:50:11,467 --> 00:50:14,385
Why is this party in
the middle of nowhere?
1007
00:50:14,386 --> 00:50:17,732
Because that's where keg
parties usually are, right?
1008
00:50:31,320 --> 00:50:32,743
Guess we're
the first ones here.
1009
00:50:32,905 --> 00:50:35,490
This isn't where you
have a party, moron.
1010
00:50:35,491 --> 00:50:36,914
This is where you
dump a dead body.
1011
00:50:37,076 --> 00:50:38,660
What's your problem?
1012
00:50:38,661 --> 00:50:39,835
I'm sorry.
1013
00:50:41,038 --> 00:50:43,539
I'll stop being such a bitch.
1014
00:50:43,540 --> 00:50:44,918
You actually seem
like a nice guy.
1015
00:50:45,084 --> 00:50:46,127
(CHUCKLES)
1016
00:50:47,086 --> 00:50:48,177
So, um...
1017
00:50:49,421 --> 00:50:50,755
You wanna hook up?
1018
00:50:50,756 --> 00:50:52,048
And a total idiot.
1019
00:50:52,049 --> 00:50:53,686
(RUSTLING)
1020
00:50:54,843 --> 00:50:56,979
Simon, get back in the car.
1021
00:50:57,471 --> 00:50:58,812
Now!
1022
00:51:08,357 --> 00:51:10,196
Yay, you made it.
1023
00:51:10,359 --> 00:51:11,830
(GIRLS GIGGLING) Brooke?
1024
00:51:12,361 --> 00:51:15,326
This is to celebrate you.
1025
00:51:16,115 --> 00:51:17,503
Celebrate?
1026
00:51:17,616 --> 00:51:19,621
What a total loser you are.
1027
00:51:20,327 --> 00:51:22,831
And we ditch losers.
1028
00:51:23,872 --> 00:51:26,969
Poor Mindy.
What did you think?
1029
00:51:27,418 --> 00:51:30,003
The cool kids saw
something special in you
1030
00:51:30,004 --> 00:51:32,472
and invited you
to your first party
1031
00:51:32,881 --> 00:51:34,632
where you'd sip your first beer
1032
00:51:34,633 --> 00:51:37,563
and finally suck face
for the first time?
1033
00:51:38,053 --> 00:51:41,102
Newsflash, you're not special.
1034
00:51:43,726 --> 00:51:47,189
Fuck with the queen bee
and you're gonna get stung.
1035
00:51:49,273 --> 00:51:50,945
BOTH: Date ditch.
(ALL CHEERING)
1036
00:51:51,900 --> 00:51:53,151
Party at my house!
1037
00:51:53,152 --> 00:51:54,319
GIRL: Pathetic.
1038
00:51:54,320 --> 00:51:56,656
BROOKE: Simon,
you can drive us.
1039
00:52:00,284 --> 00:52:01,494
(ENGINE STARTS)
1040
00:52:06,165 --> 00:52:07,506
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
1041
00:52:11,128 --> 00:52:12,255
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
1042
00:52:43,077 --> 00:52:44,287
Dave?
1043
00:52:45,704 --> 00:52:49,927
Oh, my God! Mindy? Holy shit.
What are you doing?
1044
00:52:50,667 --> 00:52:54,345
Just needed to see
my Robin, I guess.
1045
00:52:57,383 --> 00:52:59,185
Are you okay?
1046
00:52:59,885 --> 00:53:01,605
Hey, hey, hey.
1047
00:53:02,596 --> 00:53:03,723
(SOBBING)
1048
00:53:06,016 --> 00:53:08,104
I don't know what to do.
1049
00:53:08,352 --> 00:53:10,357
Those girls, they're...
1050
00:53:11,397 --> 00:53:13,069
They're evil.
1051
00:53:13,524 --> 00:53:15,983
It's just high school.
Who gives a shit?
1052
00:53:15,984 --> 00:53:19,496
You should be out there in the real
world making it a better place.
1053
00:53:20,531 --> 00:53:21,864
Dave, I can't.
1054
00:53:21,865 --> 00:53:23,621
I know, you promised your dad.
1055
00:53:26,412 --> 00:53:28,251
But he's not here anymore.
1056
00:53:29,081 --> 00:53:31,928
This is your life.
You've gotta live it.
1057
00:53:33,419 --> 00:53:36,183
How am I supposed
to face them tomorrow?
1058
00:53:37,631 --> 00:53:38,840
I'm so embarrassed.
1059
00:53:38,841 --> 00:53:40,007
Why?
1060
00:53:40,008 --> 00:53:44,481
You're smart. You're beautiful.
You're funny.
1061
00:53:45,722 --> 00:53:46,931
(EXHALES)
1062
00:53:46,932 --> 00:53:50,526
You're the strongest person I've ever met.
You can do anything.
1063
00:53:50,811 --> 00:53:52,733
And you're Hit Girl.
(CHUCKLES)
1064
00:53:53,021 --> 00:53:56,399
Doesn't matter if you're
wearing a mask or makeup,
1065
00:53:56,400 --> 00:53:57,871
it's who you really are.
1066
00:53:59,695 --> 00:54:02,447
So what should I do?
Cut their tongues out?
1067
00:54:02,448 --> 00:54:04,031
No! Definitely not.
1068
00:54:04,032 --> 00:54:05,504
(CHUCKLES)
I'm fucking with you.
1069
00:54:08,787 --> 00:54:10,839
Just beat them
at their own game.
1070
00:54:12,040 --> 00:54:14,046
By being yourself.
1071
00:54:22,134 --> 00:54:24,981
BROOKE: Well, if you
really wanna be popular,
1072
00:54:25,095 --> 00:54:29,105
consider two little words,
"sex," "tape".
1073
00:54:45,782 --> 00:54:48,493
Lois, you don't
need these ax wounds.
1074
00:54:48,494 --> 00:54:50,997
If I can dress
like them, so can you.
1075
00:54:51,788 --> 00:54:55,336
It's a gift from some drug
dealer who went missing.
1076
00:54:56,502 --> 00:54:58,507
BROOKE: Just because
you dress like us,
1077
00:54:58,670 --> 00:55:00,557
doesn't mean you
can be like one of us.
1078
00:55:00,881 --> 00:55:04,144
It doesn't matter what costume
I wear, yours or mine,
1079
00:55:04,259 --> 00:55:07,107
I'm a superhero.
That's who I am.
1080
00:55:07,221 --> 00:55:09,263
Okay,
Captain Muffin-Muncher,
1081
00:55:09,264 --> 00:55:11,015
have fun playing
make-believe.
1082
00:55:11,016 --> 00:55:12,141
This?
1083
00:55:12,142 --> 00:55:13,809
This is all make-believe,
Brooke.
1084
00:55:13,810 --> 00:55:16,437
The reality is
you're an evil bitch
1085
00:55:16,438 --> 00:55:18,823
who's just as bad as
the worst criminal scum.
1086
00:55:19,733 --> 00:55:23,031
You wanna get real, Mindy?
In the real world, I win.
1087
00:55:23,195 --> 00:55:26,364
I go to an awesome college,
I marry a hot guy
1088
00:55:26,365 --> 00:55:27,573
and I make adorable
1089
00:55:27,574 --> 00:55:31,038
babies for my nanny to take care
of while we vacay in Paris.
1090
00:55:31,203 --> 00:55:34,916
My life is gonna rock
and yours is gonna suck.
1091
00:55:35,040 --> 00:55:37,211
And no matter
how slutty you dress,
1092
00:55:37,376 --> 00:55:40,962
no boy is ever gonna wanna kiss
that hole you call a mouth.
1093
00:55:40,963 --> 00:55:44,309
So why don't you spare us all the
whining and slit your wrists now?
1094
00:55:44,424 --> 00:55:46,217
'Cause the only thing
that's gonna ruin my day
1095
00:55:46,218 --> 00:55:48,982
is looking at your face
one more second.
1096
00:55:49,263 --> 00:55:51,184
Told her.
(CHUCKLES) Damn.
1097
00:55:52,891 --> 00:55:55,110
BROOKE: What's that?
A ghetto cell phone?
1098
00:55:55,310 --> 00:55:58,604
(GASPS) Gonna call for help
with a come-back? Hmm.
1099
00:55:58,605 --> 00:56:02,828
Actually, my daddy bought this
from a disgruntled DARPA employee.
1100
00:56:02,943 --> 00:56:05,956
You see, it was designed for crowd
control, but deemed too severe.
1101
00:56:06,071 --> 00:56:10,081
It emits a pulse that creates
spontaneous nausea and diarrhea.
1102
00:56:10,409 --> 00:56:12,827
(CHUCKLES) He called it
"the sick stick."
1103
00:56:12,828 --> 00:56:14,745
Either your daddy
got ripped off,
1104
00:56:14,746 --> 00:56:17,083
or you're back in make-believe
land, sweetheart,
1105
00:56:17,624 --> 00:56:19,760
because we feel fabulous.
1106
00:56:19,876 --> 00:56:21,430
Not for long.
1107
00:56:22,379 --> 00:56:23,672
(ALL SCREAMING)
1108
00:56:30,053 --> 00:56:32,105
Oh, my God!
1109
00:56:33,390 --> 00:56:36,309
You get away from me.
Please, you win.
1110
00:56:36,310 --> 00:56:38,943
I don't wanna win. I just want to
make the world a better place.
1111
00:56:41,565 --> 00:56:42,822
(ALL GASP)
1112
00:56:55,412 --> 00:56:56,623
Dad?
1113
00:56:56,747 --> 00:56:59,333
You home? Dad?
1114
00:57:02,419 --> 00:57:03,586
Is this what you've been up to
1115
00:57:03,587 --> 00:57:05,806
while I'm out working nights
saving for your college?
1116
00:57:05,922 --> 00:57:08,299
You've been dressing up
and fighting people?
1117
00:57:08,300 --> 00:57:11,147
There is blood on
these stick things.
1118
00:57:12,137 --> 00:57:13,888
What are you doing in my room?
1119
00:57:13,889 --> 00:57:15,848
I was looking for drugs.
1120
00:57:15,849 --> 00:57:16,974
I was worried about you.
1121
00:57:16,975 --> 00:57:18,225
Okay, good.
Now you can stop.
1122
00:57:18,226 --> 00:57:20,144
No. Now I'm even
more worried.
1123
00:57:20,145 --> 00:57:22,271
Jesus, Dave,
drugs would have been better.
1124
00:57:22,272 --> 00:57:24,023
This is deranged.
1125
00:57:24,024 --> 00:57:25,994
Whoa. Some people
do a lot worse.
1126
00:57:26,109 --> 00:57:27,985
Oh, the people you hang out with?
No.
1127
00:57:27,986 --> 00:57:30,321
The people I hang out
with are superheroes.
1128
00:57:30,322 --> 00:57:32,448
There is no such thing, Dave.
1129
00:57:32,449 --> 00:57:35,368
This is the real world
with real consequences.
1130
00:57:35,369 --> 00:57:36,709
When are you gonna grow up?
1131
00:57:36,828 --> 00:57:38,501
If it means
turning into you, never.
1132
00:57:38,622 --> 00:57:40,998
I don't wear the mask because
I'm ashamed of who I am.
1133
00:57:40,999 --> 00:57:42,969
Not like you.
1134
00:57:43,710 --> 00:57:45,044
What's that supposed to mean?
1135
00:57:45,045 --> 00:57:47,382
If you're not at work,
you're here doing crunches.
1136
00:57:47,506 --> 00:57:49,423
Why? So you can
look like someone else?
1137
00:57:49,424 --> 00:57:51,717
Maybe get a few more years
of doing nothing?
1138
00:57:51,718 --> 00:57:54,011
Your life has no meaning, Dad.
1139
00:57:54,012 --> 00:57:55,680
When you're gone,
who's gonna notice?
1140
00:57:55,681 --> 00:57:56,806
Where the hell are you going?
1141
00:57:56,807 --> 00:57:59,903
Oh, uh, I'm leaving. That's
what you do when you grow up.
1142
00:58:07,734 --> 00:58:10,069
Did he say why
he wanted to see me?
1143
00:58:10,070 --> 00:58:12,787
JAVIER: When your Uncle Ralph
calls, I don't ask questions.
1144
00:58:16,493 --> 00:58:18,213
Just the kid.
1145
00:58:19,496 --> 00:58:22,545
Chris, just be cool
and you'll be fine.
1146
00:58:27,212 --> 00:58:28,963
RALPH: Hey, how you doing?
1147
00:58:28,964 --> 00:58:30,381
Good, Uncle Ralph.
1148
00:58:30,382 --> 00:58:34,093
Listen, Chrissy, things have been
tough all around since your dad,
1149
00:58:34,094 --> 00:58:35,221
you know.
1150
00:58:35,721 --> 00:58:39,232
Well, I been trying to get the
family back on track from in here.
1151
00:58:39,349 --> 00:58:41,142
They record these things.
1152
00:58:41,143 --> 00:58:42,566
I know, it's fine.
1153
00:58:42,686 --> 00:58:45,272
The warden's a pal.
Now listen to me.
1154
00:58:45,397 --> 00:58:46,897
It's okay to have a bit of fun,
1155
00:58:46,898 --> 00:58:49,069
but you can't go hiring
a gang of heavy hitters.
1156
00:58:49,234 --> 00:58:51,235
Javier should have told you.
1157
00:58:51,236 --> 00:58:52,624
No, it doesn't matter.
1158
00:58:52,738 --> 00:58:56,782
Uncle Ralph, I am gonna make
Kick-Ass pay for what he did to us.
1159
00:58:56,783 --> 00:58:59,827
Chrissy, you need
to forget that punk.
1160
00:58:59,828 --> 00:59:01,714
It's more important
that you stay out of this.
1161
00:59:02,080 --> 00:59:05,046
You're not like me,
or your dad, you're, uh...
1162
00:59:06,042 --> 00:59:07,217
Special.
1163
00:59:11,256 --> 00:59:14,269
You can't tell me
what to do anymore.
1164
00:59:14,885 --> 00:59:17,303
I know who I am now.
1165
00:59:17,304 --> 00:59:18,395
Oh, yeah?
1166
00:59:19,181 --> 00:59:20,890
And who's that?
1167
00:59:20,891 --> 00:59:22,278
The Motherfucker.
1168
00:59:22,517 --> 00:59:24,190
(BOTH LAUGHING)
1169
00:59:27,689 --> 00:59:30,193
You think you're
the big bad guy, huh?
1170
00:59:31,902 --> 00:59:35,116
Let me show you what
real evil looks like.
1171
00:59:44,831 --> 00:59:46,042
JAVIER: Hello?
1172
00:59:47,042 --> 00:59:48,632
Javier, what's going on?
1173
00:59:48,752 --> 00:59:50,419
Chris, what's up?
1174
00:59:50,420 --> 00:59:52,087
What are you doing
on Lou's phone, huh?
1175
00:59:52,088 --> 00:59:53,964
Drop yours in the toilet again?
1176
00:59:53,965 --> 00:59:55,257
Everything okay?
1177
00:59:55,258 --> 00:59:56,302
(GROANS)
1178
00:59:57,260 --> 00:59:58,684
(JAVIER CHOKING)
1179
01:00:06,937 --> 01:00:08,230
(DYING GASP)
1180
01:00:19,491 --> 01:00:22,504
Thank you for that.
I needed it.
1181
01:00:24,079 --> 01:00:25,454
For what comes next.
1182
01:00:25,455 --> 01:00:26,997
Don't be stupid, Chris.
1183
01:00:26,998 --> 01:00:30,292
Just get out of town for awhile.
Go to college or something.
1184
01:00:30,293 --> 01:00:33,841
Why? You just taught me
everything I needed to know.
1185
01:00:41,137 --> 01:00:42,805
COLONEL: Voila!
1186
01:00:42,806 --> 01:00:48,654
Presto and elegant, damn. Them
boys designed a very tasty logo.
1187
01:00:50,814 --> 01:00:51,941
(BARKS)
1188
01:00:53,066 --> 01:00:55,866
What's the matter, girl?
You hear something?
1189
01:00:56,903 --> 01:00:58,825
Come on, let's go see.
Come on!
1190
01:01:03,201 --> 01:01:04,874
(BARKING)
1191
01:01:04,995 --> 01:01:06,751
Anybody out here?
1192
01:01:08,415 --> 01:01:10,005
I don't see anything.
1193
01:01:11,793 --> 01:01:15,004
Gonna have to stay in there until
you calm down, you lunatic.
1194
01:01:15,005 --> 01:01:17,389
(EISENHOWER BARKING)
1195
01:01:19,718 --> 01:01:21,557
I wonder what's bothering you.
1196
01:01:21,970 --> 01:01:25,019
I know. Tonight you die.
1197
01:01:26,850 --> 01:01:28,309
Ladies first.
1198
01:01:28,310 --> 01:01:30,066
You will not shoot me.
1199
01:01:30,228 --> 01:01:34,903
You are superhero. You help people.
You do not hurt them.
1200
01:01:35,358 --> 01:01:37,860
That's supervillain territory.
1201
01:01:37,861 --> 01:01:39,403
Or as I like to
call my little gang,
1202
01:01:39,404 --> 01:01:40,863
the Toxic Mega-Cunts.
1203
01:01:40,864 --> 01:01:42,205
Hi.
1204
01:01:46,119 --> 01:01:47,293
(CLICKS)
1205
01:01:48,330 --> 01:01:50,631
Yeah, like your head.
1206
01:01:52,292 --> 01:01:53,500
(GROANS)
1207
01:01:53,501 --> 01:01:55,222
(ALL LAUGHING)
(BARKING)
1208
01:01:57,005 --> 01:01:58,262
(GROANS)
1209
01:02:00,550 --> 01:02:01,717
(SCREAMS)
1210
01:02:01,718 --> 01:02:02,845
Yay!
1211
01:02:03,428 --> 01:02:04,637
Ooh, it's gotta hurt!
1212
01:02:04,638 --> 01:02:05,895
(GROANING)
1213
01:02:18,068 --> 01:02:20,571
I did my homework
on you, Colonel.
1214
01:02:20,987 --> 01:02:23,656
You used to be
Sal Bertolini, didn't you?
1215
01:02:23,657 --> 01:02:27,583
Did a few jobs for my dad back in the
day, before you got "born again."
1216
01:02:27,786 --> 01:02:31,000
I used to hang with
a lot of losers.
1217
01:02:32,624 --> 01:02:36,710
Is this how you thought you'd die, Sal?
Dressed like an idiot?
1218
01:02:36,711 --> 01:02:38,087
(EISENHOWER BARKING)
1219
01:02:38,088 --> 01:02:40,255
Who are you supposed to be?
1220
01:02:40,256 --> 01:02:42,096
I'm The Motherfucker!
1221
01:02:42,217 --> 01:02:45,598
And I'm here to end Kick-Ass.
Not just kill him.
1222
01:02:45,720 --> 01:02:49,348
I am gonna shit on
everything that he loves.
1223
01:02:49,349 --> 01:02:52,232
(GROANS) Let's trash
this place, guys.
1224
01:02:59,734 --> 01:03:01,455
CHRIS: "Miranda Swedlow"?
1225
01:03:02,654 --> 01:03:06,082
Who's that, Sal? She one of
the whores on your team?
1226
01:03:07,242 --> 01:03:08,286
(GRUNTING)
1227
01:03:20,046 --> 01:03:23,799
Night Bitch all
snuggled up to Kick-Ass.
1228
01:03:23,800 --> 01:03:26,268
Looks like our boy's
got a new hot pocket.
1229
01:03:28,304 --> 01:03:30,305
Want me to kill his dog?
1230
01:03:30,306 --> 01:03:33,439
The dog? Jesus Christ,
I'm not that evil.
1231
01:03:35,270 --> 01:03:37,275
Cut the old man's head off.
(GASPS)
1232
01:03:37,397 --> 01:03:39,648
You guys hungry?
I'm starving. Come on.
1233
01:03:39,649 --> 01:03:41,859
Pizza, can we get pizza?
1234
01:03:41,860 --> 01:03:42,985
We're getting pizza.
1235
01:03:42,986 --> 01:03:45,821
Don't worry, I kill you first.
1236
01:03:45,822 --> 01:03:47,329
(GROANING)
1237
01:03:47,991 --> 01:03:49,241
(BARKING)
1238
01:03:49,242 --> 01:03:51,128
Justice For...
1239
01:03:51,703 --> 01:03:52,828
...ever.
(NECK SNAPPING)
1240
01:03:52,829 --> 01:03:55,842
A Brooklyn resident was found
decapitated last night.
1241
01:03:56,166 --> 01:03:58,000
According to Twitter,
a man claiming to be
1242
01:03:58,001 --> 01:04:00,044
the world's
first supervillain...
1243
01:04:00,045 --> 01:04:02,844
I told you, no TV.
You're grounded, remember?
1244
01:04:03,590 --> 01:04:05,595
Marcus, I know
I made you a promise,
1245
01:04:05,717 --> 01:04:07,134
but I can't keep
being someone I'm not.
1246
01:04:07,135 --> 01:04:08,974
When I see evil,
I have to stop it.
1247
01:04:09,095 --> 01:04:12,310
Mindy, what you did to those girls
at school was unacceptable.
1248
01:04:12,432 --> 01:04:14,402
You could have really hurt them.
You're right, I could have,
1249
01:04:14,517 --> 01:04:16,435
but instead I sent them home
with tummy-aches.
1250
01:04:16,436 --> 01:04:18,103
Boo-fucking-hoo.
1251
01:04:18,104 --> 01:04:21,237
I don't get it. This obsession that
you have with revenge is not healthy.
1252
01:04:21,357 --> 01:04:23,275
If you don't let me
and the police do our jobs,
1253
01:04:23,276 --> 01:04:25,194
there is gonna be nothing
that I can do for you.
1254
01:04:25,195 --> 01:04:26,779
You're never gonna
have a normal life
1255
01:04:26,780 --> 01:04:28,322
and you'll probably
end up like your father.
1256
01:04:28,323 --> 01:04:30,115
Marcus, they cut
a guy's head off.
1257
01:04:30,116 --> 01:04:32,038
Who else is going to stop them?
1258
01:04:32,160 --> 01:04:34,212
Kick-Ass? You?
1259
01:04:34,746 --> 01:04:37,427
You go to your room
and do your homework.
1260
01:04:47,008 --> 01:04:48,182
Now!
1261
01:04:52,347 --> 01:04:55,775
TOMMY'S MUM: Hey, guys, we're signing a
sympathy card for the Colonel's sister.
1262
01:04:55,892 --> 01:04:59,772
You wanna go 5 bucks each so we
can send flowers from the team?
1263
01:05:01,397 --> 01:05:03,485
Did you guys see The
Motherfucker's Twitter page?
1264
01:05:03,608 --> 01:05:05,696
Who is this guy? And what's
his problem with us?
1265
01:05:05,819 --> 01:05:08,452
I don't know, but he has got
some elephant-sized balls.
1266
01:05:08,571 --> 01:05:11,281
He's been bragging on the web about
what they did to the Colonel.
1267
01:05:11,282 --> 01:05:12,741
Can that be traced?
1268
01:05:12,742 --> 01:05:15,506
I tried.
His IP address is masked.
1269
01:05:15,620 --> 01:05:18,301
All right, here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna organize a fight.
1270
01:05:18,414 --> 01:05:20,707
There are a lot of guys online who
said they're in if we need them.
1271
01:05:20,708 --> 01:05:22,876
Are you kidding me?
This isn't West Side Story.
1272
01:05:22,877 --> 01:05:24,837
We didn't join up
to be in a gang.
1273
01:05:24,838 --> 01:05:26,338
We did this so
we could help people.
1274
01:05:26,339 --> 01:05:28,427
Shannon's right. We need
to leave this to the cops.
1275
01:05:28,550 --> 01:05:30,134
We better start
walking in pairs.
1276
01:05:30,135 --> 01:05:34,138
Motherfucker's tweeted that the
Colonel was just the beginning.
1277
01:05:34,139 --> 01:05:36,025
Anybody seen Night Bitch?
1278
01:05:36,266 --> 01:05:37,357
(WHIRRING)
1279
01:05:47,402 --> 01:05:49,194
Are you sure
she's on that team?
1280
01:05:49,195 --> 01:05:53,371
Stupid gash posted on her superhero
page that she's dating Kick-Ass.
1281
01:05:53,491 --> 01:05:55,543
So, yeah, I'm damn sure.
1282
01:05:59,497 --> 01:06:00,914
Hello, Night Bitch!
1283
01:06:00,915 --> 01:06:02,173
Hey.
1284
01:06:03,585 --> 01:06:06,088
Oh, she wants to take
the party upstairs.
1285
01:06:06,212 --> 01:06:08,348
We're gonna have a party.
1286
01:06:08,464 --> 01:06:10,304
She closed the door.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
1287
01:06:12,719 --> 01:06:13,976
(SCREAMS)
1288
01:06:14,262 --> 01:06:15,387
(LAUGHS)
1289
01:06:15,388 --> 01:06:17,689
Don't worry, darling,
I'm not gonna kill you.
1290
01:06:17,807 --> 01:06:20,475
I want you to give a message
to your boyfriend.
1291
01:06:20,476 --> 01:06:22,352
(GROANS)
(YELPS)
1292
01:06:22,353 --> 01:06:23,860
Come on, wriggly.
1293
01:06:23,980 --> 01:06:25,154
NIGHT BITCH: Let go!
1294
01:06:25,273 --> 01:06:28,037
You're done banging superheroes, baby.
(GRUNTS)
1295
01:06:28,151 --> 01:06:30,861
It's time to see what
evil dick feels like.
1296
01:06:30,862 --> 01:06:31,906
(GROANS)
1297
01:06:32,488 --> 01:06:33,532
(UNZIPS)
1298
01:06:38,494 --> 01:06:39,787
Shit.
1299
01:06:40,455 --> 01:06:41,748
THE TUMOR: What's wrong?
1300
01:06:44,292 --> 01:06:46,012
What are you doing?
1301
01:06:46,920 --> 01:06:48,086
(GROANS)
1302
01:06:48,087 --> 01:06:49,215
(PANTING) Come on!
1303
01:06:51,174 --> 01:06:54,520
God, okay, I'm just...
I'm not in the mood.
1304
01:06:54,636 --> 01:06:56,771
I guess evil dick feels limp.
1305
01:06:57,347 --> 01:06:59,850
Hurt her. Bad!
1306
01:07:01,809 --> 01:07:03,518
BLACK DEATH: Cops are coming.
(SIRENS WAILING)
1307
01:07:03,519 --> 01:07:06,983
Leave it to Mother Russia. She
makes 10 times what we do.
1308
01:07:07,106 --> 01:07:10,819
Fifty thousand a week.
Plus expenses.
1309
01:07:12,528 --> 01:07:13,703
Hey, watch out!
1310
01:07:17,867 --> 01:07:19,540
(BOTH GROANING)
1311
01:07:22,705 --> 01:07:24,046
BOTH: Wow!
1312
01:07:29,295 --> 01:07:30,588
(GRUNTS)
1313
01:07:32,048 --> 01:07:33,555
(SIRENS WAILING)
1314
01:07:35,218 --> 01:07:36,725
Reverse it! Reverse it!
1315
01:07:37,387 --> 01:07:38,644
(GROANING)
1316
01:07:43,393 --> 01:07:44,780
(BRAKES SCREECH)
1317
01:07:45,645 --> 01:07:46,986
Don't move! Freeze!
1318
01:07:51,067 --> 01:07:52,324
(GROANS)
1319
01:07:53,194 --> 01:07:55,413
Fifty thousand.
She's worth it.
1320
01:07:55,530 --> 01:07:56,822
(GRUNTS)
1321
01:07:56,823 --> 01:07:57,866
(GROANS)
1322
01:08:00,702 --> 01:08:01,829
(WHIRRING)
1323
01:08:03,579 --> 01:08:04,746
(TIRES SCREECH)
1324
01:08:04,747 --> 01:08:06,081
Whoa, whoa!
Why are they backing up?
1325
01:08:06,082 --> 01:08:07,921
Why is there a lawnmower
on the trunk?
1326
01:08:08,418 --> 01:08:11,670
(BOTH SCREAMING)
1327
01:08:11,671 --> 01:08:12,845
Wow!
1328
01:08:15,008 --> 01:08:16,341
(SIREN WAILING)
1329
01:08:16,342 --> 01:08:17,635
(TIRES SCREECH)
1330
01:08:19,762 --> 01:08:21,483
We need back-up,
eight men down.
1331
01:08:22,598 --> 01:08:24,354
I think you mean 10.
1332
01:08:34,694 --> 01:08:37,988
Let's bounce! Put the word out
I'm building an evil army.
1333
01:08:37,989 --> 01:08:40,243
All psychopaths
and ex-cons welcome.
1334
01:08:40,408 --> 01:08:43,702
I don't think you're gonna have a
problem when people hear about this.
1335
01:08:43,703 --> 01:08:44,747
(CHUCKLES)
1336
01:08:48,416 --> 01:08:50,255
They just disappeared?
1337
01:08:50,585 --> 01:08:52,085
All they have to do is
take off their masks,
1338
01:08:52,086 --> 01:08:54,588
no one's gonna recognize them once
they're back in their street clothes.
1339
01:08:54,589 --> 01:08:56,510
Your attention, please!
1340
01:08:56,632 --> 01:09:00,939
Feds traced the IP addresses for
all those other costumed freaks.
1341
01:09:01,095 --> 01:09:02,637
We got every law
enforcement agency
1342
01:09:02,638 --> 01:09:04,857
in the state working
to hit them at once!
1343
01:09:04,974 --> 01:09:06,808
Why is Kick-Ass
on this list?
1344
01:09:06,809 --> 01:09:07,853
His crew does
community service.
1345
01:09:07,977 --> 01:09:11,188
I don't give a shit. Anyone wearing
a mask is getting detained.
1346
01:09:11,189 --> 01:09:13,609
We're putting an end
to this tonight!
1347
01:09:14,108 --> 01:09:17,620
DAVE: A lot of people said the cops
were too heavy-handed that night.
1348
01:09:18,363 --> 01:09:20,533
But you gotta put it
into context.
1349
01:09:21,616 --> 01:09:24,493
The police didn't mind
our real life superhero stuff
1350
01:09:24,494 --> 01:09:25,994
as long as we were
picking up litter
1351
01:09:25,995 --> 01:09:27,716
or helping old ladies
cross the street.
1352
01:09:29,457 --> 01:09:31,960
But suddenly it was serious.
1353
01:09:32,502 --> 01:09:36,345
Suddenly we represented everything
that was wrong with society.
1354
01:09:36,881 --> 01:09:38,174
Freeze!
(GROANS)
1355
01:09:38,466 --> 01:09:42,227
Dad had warned me that the real
world had real consequences.
1356
01:09:42,678 --> 01:09:45,977
As they pulled up, he must have been
feeling pretty damn vindicated.
1357
01:09:47,892 --> 01:09:51,311
Oh, shit, Dave.
What have you done?
1358
01:09:51,312 --> 01:09:52,356
(BANGING ON DOOR)
1359
01:09:55,191 --> 01:09:57,026
OFFICER: Police, open up.
(BANGING CONTINUES)
1360
01:10:01,489 --> 01:10:02,697
Hey.
1361
01:10:02,698 --> 01:10:03,824
Hi.
1362
01:10:03,825 --> 01:10:06,873
Uh, uh, it's me, Kick-Ass.
1363
01:10:09,831 --> 01:10:11,005
Wow.
1364
01:10:12,166 --> 01:10:13,969
You're actually pretty cute
under that mask.
1365
01:10:14,168 --> 01:10:15,419
(SIGHS)
1366
01:10:15,420 --> 01:10:18,350
I'm so sorry
about what happened.
1367
01:10:18,464 --> 01:10:19,971
Don't be.
1368
01:10:20,925 --> 01:10:22,728
It's my own fault.
1369
01:10:22,844 --> 01:10:25,595
We're gonna find these
assholes and make this right.
1370
01:10:25,596 --> 01:10:27,317
What's the point?
1371
01:10:29,392 --> 01:10:31,184
I mean,
we're really superheroes
1372
01:10:31,185 --> 01:10:32,858
about as much as
we're really dating.
1373
01:10:33,438 --> 01:10:36,118
We don't even know
each other's names.
1374
01:10:37,066 --> 01:10:39,830
I think it's time to get
back to the real world.
1375
01:10:40,653 --> 01:10:43,702
I thought we were trying
to make it a better place.
1376
01:10:45,032 --> 01:10:47,038
Then why is it worse?
1377
01:10:48,953 --> 01:10:50,958
DAVE: Maybe Night Bitch
was right,
1378
01:10:51,414 --> 01:10:53,419
which means Dad was, too.
1379
01:10:54,375 --> 01:10:57,389
I mean, things had
gotten out of hand.
1380
01:10:57,879 --> 01:11:00,380
Maybe it was time for me to
stop crashing at Marty's
1381
01:11:00,381 --> 01:11:02,220
and start apologizing.
1382
01:11:02,675 --> 01:11:04,431
(CHATTER ON POLICE RADIO)
1383
01:11:12,059 --> 01:11:13,151
Dad?
1384
01:11:13,811 --> 01:11:15,614
Whoa, whoa.
That's my dad.
1385
01:11:15,730 --> 01:11:17,314
Your dad's Kick-Ass?
What?
1386
01:11:17,315 --> 01:11:18,905
Yeah, he just gave himself up.
1387
01:11:20,651 --> 01:11:23,416
You don't understand. He's
doing this to protect me.
1388
01:11:23,571 --> 01:11:24,828
Dad!
1389
01:11:25,740 --> 01:11:26,784
Dad!
1390
01:11:31,078 --> 01:11:32,253
(ENGINE STARTS)
1391
01:11:40,838 --> 01:11:42,049
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
1392
01:11:43,925 --> 01:11:45,515
Mindy?
Dave?
1393
01:11:45,635 --> 01:11:47,260
I need your help.
My dad's been arrested.
1394
01:11:47,261 --> 01:11:49,471
They think he's Kick-Ass.
Can you talk to Marcus?
1395
01:11:49,472 --> 01:11:51,275
(SIGHS) I'm grounded.
So?
1396
01:11:51,432 --> 01:11:53,350
So that means
I can't get involved.
1397
01:11:53,351 --> 01:11:55,101
Look. Wait a second.
I wish I could help.
1398
01:11:55,102 --> 01:11:57,479
MARCUS: Mindy!
Are you on the phone?
1399
01:11:57,480 --> 01:11:58,607
Look, I gotta go, okay?
1400
01:11:59,106 --> 01:12:00,440
I'm sorry, Dave.
1401
01:12:00,441 --> 01:12:01,608
Mindy, wait, wait.
1402
01:12:01,609 --> 01:12:02,701
(SIGHS)
1403
01:12:14,121 --> 01:12:15,877
DAVE: Hey, what the hell
were you thinking?
1404
01:12:15,998 --> 01:12:17,999
Yeah, I could ask you
the same thing.
1405
01:12:18,000 --> 01:12:20,126
I can't believe
you lied to them.
1406
01:12:20,127 --> 01:12:21,836
I wasn't gonna do nothing
while you went to jail.
1407
01:12:21,837 --> 01:12:25,173
I chose this. You should let
me deal with the consequences.
1408
01:12:25,174 --> 01:12:26,716
I thought you
wanted me to grow up.
1409
01:12:26,717 --> 01:12:29,970
Yeah? When you get a kid of your
own one day, you'll understand.
1410
01:12:29,971 --> 01:12:31,096
I'm gonna tell them the truth.
1411
01:12:31,097 --> 01:12:33,184
No. Hey...
It'll just make things worse.
1412
01:12:33,307 --> 01:12:35,308
Look, I spoke to my attorney.
(SNIFFLES)
1413
01:12:35,309 --> 01:12:37,196
He said they gotta
let me out by tomorrow.
1414
01:12:37,311 --> 01:12:39,731
No actual crime was committed.
1415
01:12:41,816 --> 01:12:44,829
There are people out there
who wanna kill Kick-Ass.
1416
01:12:45,820 --> 01:12:48,280
Well, the cops are out
there looking for them,
1417
01:12:48,281 --> 01:12:52,124
so the safest place for Kick-Ass
is right here, locked away.
1418
01:12:52,243 --> 01:12:54,661
I don't know how you got
into all this shit, but
1419
01:12:54,662 --> 01:12:58,885
you gotta promise me you will never
dress up in that outfit again.
1420
01:12:59,333 --> 01:13:00,887
Do you hear me?
1421
01:13:08,342 --> 01:13:09,849
I promise.
1422
01:13:18,561 --> 01:13:21,408
This evil lair owns!
1423
01:13:21,522 --> 01:13:23,527
Do people still
say that, "own"?
1424
01:13:23,691 --> 01:13:25,567
Yeah, of course.
1425
01:13:25,568 --> 01:13:27,703
Your shark.
Something's wrong.
1426
01:13:27,820 --> 01:13:29,362
Think you used
the wrong kind of water.
1427
01:13:29,363 --> 01:13:30,537
What the hell, Eyal?
1428
01:13:30,698 --> 01:13:33,074
It's fine, Chris. They're supposed
to lie at the bottom of the tank.
1429
01:13:33,075 --> 01:13:34,951
It's just their way of,
how you say,
1430
01:13:34,952 --> 01:13:36,244
settling into
their environment.
1431
01:13:36,245 --> 01:13:38,163
Don't screw me on this, okay?
1432
01:13:38,164 --> 01:13:39,372
You said we'd be
ready in two days,
1433
01:13:39,373 --> 01:13:40,749
we don't even have
a men's room yet.
1434
01:13:40,750 --> 01:13:42,083
Don't worry.
1435
01:13:42,084 --> 01:13:44,044
What's with the bags of shit?
1436
01:13:44,045 --> 01:13:45,884
It's fertilizer for the bombs.
1437
01:13:46,005 --> 01:13:49,424
You're not a supervillain if you don't
have a plan to destroy the city.
1438
01:13:49,425 --> 01:13:51,926
It will not work.
You need a chemical kind.
1439
01:13:51,927 --> 01:13:55,274
Do I have to do everything myself?
Just fix it!
1440
01:13:55,389 --> 01:13:59,233
You must relax. Everything
is going as planned.
1441
01:13:59,393 --> 01:14:01,861
Mmm, no. No.
Except it's not, okay?
1442
01:14:02,229 --> 01:14:05,023
That sad sack
is not Kick-Ass.
1443
01:14:05,024 --> 01:14:07,525
I've seen Kick-Ass,
he's like my age.
1444
01:14:07,526 --> 01:14:09,527
Guy's old enough
to be his father.
1445
01:14:09,528 --> 01:14:10,916
No shit, right.
1446
01:14:11,572 --> 01:14:13,957
CHRIS: I'm sorry,
who are you?
1447
01:14:14,075 --> 01:14:17,254
I, uh, volunteered for your
evil army, like the others.
1448
01:14:17,370 --> 01:14:20,798
Right. I appreciate that.
Thanks for joining the cause.
1449
01:14:20,915 --> 01:14:24,427
This is the VIP area
for the core group.
1450
01:14:24,543 --> 01:14:27,295
I just thought it was
funny you said that.
1451
01:14:27,296 --> 01:14:28,880
Because he is
Kick-Ass' father.
1452
01:14:28,881 --> 01:14:30,006
Who?
1453
01:14:30,007 --> 01:14:32,095
Mr. Lizewski.
He's Kick-Ass' dad.
1454
01:14:32,885 --> 01:14:35,139
Shut up!
1455
01:14:35,388 --> 01:14:38,139
(CHUCKLES) Yeah. You're not
gonna tell anyone, are you?
1456
01:14:38,140 --> 01:14:39,481
(CHUCKLES) No.
1457
01:14:39,892 --> 01:14:42,102
But you, my friend,
have just earned
1458
01:14:42,103 --> 01:14:44,689
life-time access
to my VIP area.
1459
01:14:44,897 --> 01:14:46,731
Go take a little seat.
1460
01:14:46,732 --> 01:14:48,066
Hey, get the kid a Frappuccino,
1461
01:14:48,067 --> 01:14:50,617
then put his little
punk ass back to work.
1462
01:14:52,863 --> 01:14:53,991
(PHONE RINGING)
1463
01:14:56,242 --> 01:14:57,452
Okay.
1464
01:14:58,285 --> 01:14:59,626
Come on.
1465
01:15:12,258 --> 01:15:13,842
Can I help you?
1466
01:15:13,843 --> 01:15:16,975
The Motherfucker wants us
to take a picture with you.
1467
01:15:17,763 --> 01:15:19,931
It helps that my dad
is a really good lawyer.
1468
01:15:19,932 --> 01:15:21,558
(CELL PHONE CHIMES) Because I
don't think my beautiful ass
1469
01:15:21,559 --> 01:15:23,646
would last too long in prison.
(CHUCKLES)
1470
01:15:24,061 --> 01:15:27,774
Whoa, that's weird. Chris D'Amico
just texted me a picture.
1471
01:15:27,898 --> 01:15:30,947
Red Mist? Whatever
happened to that guy?
1472
01:15:37,658 --> 01:15:39,129
MARTY: What is it?
1473
01:15:39,493 --> 01:15:40,620
Dude, what's wrong?
1474
01:15:41,495 --> 01:15:42,836
(SOBBING)
1475
01:15:44,415 --> 01:15:46,087
What is it?
1476
01:15:51,338 --> 01:15:52,549
(GROANING)
1477
01:16:00,931 --> 01:16:03,696
DAVE: The next few days
passed in a fog.
1478
01:16:05,603 --> 01:16:08,949
It didn't matter that I told
the police about Chris,
1479
01:16:09,273 --> 01:16:11,278
they couldn't find him.
1480
01:16:12,193 --> 01:16:14,873
The cops did show up
at Dad's funeral,
1481
01:16:15,279 --> 01:16:16,529
not out of respect,
1482
01:16:16,530 --> 01:16:19,793
but because they were scared
something would happen.
1483
01:16:20,493 --> 01:16:22,702
My dad was a decent man.
1484
01:16:22,703 --> 01:16:25,717
All he ever did was try
and give me a good life,
1485
01:16:26,707 --> 01:16:29,044
and I told him no one would
notice when he was gone.
1486
01:16:30,127 --> 01:16:31,883
I love you, pal.
1487
01:16:32,546 --> 01:16:34,801
I love you, too, Dad.
1488
01:16:41,639 --> 01:16:43,139
You guys came.
1489
01:16:43,140 --> 01:16:46,984
We'd love to help you track down
this Chris D'Amico d-bag, but
1490
01:16:47,478 --> 01:16:49,479
we just got out on parole.
1491
01:16:49,480 --> 01:16:50,903
No, that's fine.
1492
01:16:51,482 --> 01:16:53,566
I'm not looking for revenge.
1493
01:16:53,567 --> 01:16:57,079
Last thing I promised my dad was
that I was gonna give this up.
1494
01:16:57,404 --> 01:16:59,739
That's exactly
what I'm gonna do.
1495
01:16:59,740 --> 01:17:01,496
But you started this.
1496
01:17:02,368 --> 01:17:03,921
Now I'm ending it.
1497
01:17:04,912 --> 01:17:05,956
(SNIFFLES)
1498
01:17:13,087 --> 01:17:17,429
Dave, I'm so sorry. Do you
hate me for not helping?
1499
01:17:17,550 --> 01:17:19,555
No, not even a little bit.
1500
01:17:19,927 --> 01:17:22,857
You were right.
You gave it up.
1501
01:17:24,014 --> 01:17:27,775
If I had, too, my dad
would still be alive.
1502
01:17:29,937 --> 01:17:32,618
The only person
I blame is myself.
1503
01:17:46,370 --> 01:17:48,043
Let's do this!
1504
01:17:50,833 --> 01:17:51,877
Get down!
1505
01:17:52,001 --> 01:17:53,175
(GROANING)
1506
01:17:54,837 --> 01:17:56,421
(COUGHING)
1507
01:17:56,422 --> 01:17:57,810
Mindy!
1508
01:18:00,050 --> 01:18:01,217
Spread out!
1509
01:18:01,218 --> 01:18:02,476
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
1510
01:18:10,185 --> 01:18:11,277
Keep your head down!
1511
01:18:11,437 --> 01:18:13,109
(SHOUTING CONTINUES)
1512
01:18:19,612 --> 01:18:20,655
(GROANS)
1513
01:18:21,947 --> 01:18:23,121
DR. GRAVITY: Come on!
1514
01:18:25,117 --> 01:18:26,284
(SCREAMING)
1515
01:18:26,285 --> 01:18:27,459
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
1516
01:18:28,954 --> 01:18:30,295
Get him!
(VAN STARTS)
1517
01:18:30,915 --> 01:18:32,967
Get that van over here!
1518
01:18:35,336 --> 01:18:36,889
Hurry up!
1519
01:18:38,005 --> 01:18:39,297
(COUGHING)
1520
01:18:39,298 --> 01:18:40,472
Mindy?
1521
01:18:40,633 --> 01:18:41,973
Mindy!
1522
01:18:50,935 --> 01:18:52,192
Mindy?
1523
01:18:52,811 --> 01:18:53,855
(TIRES SCREECHING)
1524
01:18:58,317 --> 01:19:00,404
You gotta put this on.
1525
01:19:05,324 --> 01:19:06,831
I'm not gonna do it.
1526
01:19:08,661 --> 01:19:11,508
There's nothing left you can
do to hurt me. (LAUGHING)
1527
01:19:13,999 --> 01:19:15,506
You wanna bet?
1528
01:19:17,002 --> 01:19:18,129
(GUNSHOT)
1529
01:19:18,504 --> 01:19:19,547
Whoa! Whoa!
1530
01:19:21,173 --> 01:19:23,178
Game on, cocksuckers!
1531
01:19:27,513 --> 01:19:29,185
There's a girl on the roof!
1532
01:19:37,815 --> 01:19:39,535
(GRUNTS)
(HORNS BLARING)
1533
01:19:42,152 --> 01:19:44,157
She's still up there!
1534
01:19:47,032 --> 01:19:48,243
(SCREAMING)
1535
01:19:52,371 --> 01:19:53,878
(YELPING)
1536
01:20:00,546 --> 01:20:02,681
I think I got her!
Go check!
1537
01:20:05,175 --> 01:20:06,219
(GRUNTS)
1538
01:20:09,304 --> 01:20:10,562
(GRUNTS)
(YELLS)
1539
01:20:12,850 --> 01:20:13,977
Get out there!
1540
01:20:14,184 --> 01:20:15,608
(HORNS HONKING)
1541
01:20:30,075 --> 01:20:31,712
Come on!
Move your head.
1542
01:20:52,848 --> 01:20:54,059
(GRUNTING)
1543
01:20:55,434 --> 01:20:56,478
(SCREAMS)
1544
01:21:00,397 --> 01:21:01,904
Pull over, pube-face.
1545
01:21:02,483 --> 01:21:03,526
(EXHALES)
1546
01:21:05,778 --> 01:21:08,905
We know Chris D'Amico is The Motherfucker.
Where is he hiding?
1547
01:21:08,906 --> 01:21:10,031
Eat a dick.
1548
01:21:10,032 --> 01:21:11,282
You're gonna eat yours
if you don't start talking.
1549
01:21:11,283 --> 01:21:13,618
Go ahead and shoot me,
you little bitch.
1550
01:21:13,619 --> 01:21:16,205
There's nothing you can do that
would make me talk. (GROANS)
1551
01:21:16,872 --> 01:21:20,882
Look, hold on. I can't do this right now.
It's my dad's funeral.
1552
01:21:21,460 --> 01:21:23,963
Dave, your father loved you.
1553
01:21:26,173 --> 01:21:30,479
Just like my daddy loved me. And
I know it hurts, but maybe,
1554
01:21:31,136 --> 01:21:34,565
maybe that's the real meaning
of being a superhero.
1555
01:21:34,807 --> 01:21:38,437
Is taking that pain and turning
it into something good.
1556
01:21:39,478 --> 01:21:40,771
Something right.
1557
01:21:41,939 --> 01:21:43,991
Remember what you told me?
1558
01:21:44,483 --> 01:21:47,662
This is your life.
You've gotta live it.
1559
01:21:49,696 --> 01:21:53,160
Now help me find some pliers. I'm
gonna make this guy eat his own dick.
1560
01:21:54,034 --> 01:21:55,292
Seriously?
1561
01:21:56,995 --> 01:21:58,039
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
1562
01:21:58,205 --> 01:21:59,872
Hello?
MINDY: Marcus?
1563
01:21:59,873 --> 01:22:01,999
Mindy. What's going on?
Are you okay?
1564
01:22:02,000 --> 01:22:03,126
I'm fine.
1565
01:22:03,127 --> 01:22:05,214
We know where
The Motherfucker's hiding.
1566
01:22:05,337 --> 01:22:07,978
He's recruiting an army of supervillains
and making homemade bombs.
1567
01:22:08,006 --> 01:22:10,007
Marcus, he wants to
burn the city down.
1568
01:22:10,008 --> 01:22:11,217
You promised me.
1569
01:22:11,218 --> 01:22:16,521
I know you see me as this little
girl, but I'm not and I never was.
1570
01:22:17,182 --> 01:22:18,391
You're right.
1571
01:22:18,392 --> 01:22:20,685
Daddy did take
my childhood away,
1572
01:22:20,686 --> 01:22:22,520
but I'm not so sure
that was a bad thing.
1573
01:22:22,521 --> 01:22:24,522
Marcus, he gave me a gift,
1574
01:22:24,523 --> 01:22:26,991
a gift that I can't escape
no matter how hard I try.
1575
01:22:27,526 --> 01:22:29,902
And I don't need to spend the
next four years of my life
1576
01:22:29,903 --> 01:22:31,244
trying to figure out who I am
1577
01:22:32,364 --> 01:22:34,369
because I already know.
1578
01:22:37,161 --> 01:22:38,833
I'm Hit Girl.
1579
01:22:43,584 --> 01:22:46,087
I posted the address. Do
you think they'll show?
1580
01:22:47,171 --> 01:22:48,462
Chris has an army.
1581
01:22:48,463 --> 01:22:50,089
These real life super dweebs
1582
01:22:50,090 --> 01:22:52,475
have been waiting their whole
lives for a call like this.
1583
01:23:02,936 --> 01:23:04,270
Are you okay?
1584
01:23:04,271 --> 01:23:06,358
What? Yeah, no...
I'm fine.
1585
01:23:06,857 --> 01:23:07,949
Here.
1586
01:23:08,358 --> 01:23:09,948
Take this.
1587
01:23:10,277 --> 01:23:12,780
"Last resort"
really isn't my style.
1588
01:23:13,071 --> 01:23:17,580
Dave, this isn't a comic book. Real
people are going to die tonight.
1589
01:23:17,993 --> 01:23:20,212
My daddy was prepared
for anything.
1590
01:23:20,829 --> 01:23:22,170
Are you?
1591
01:23:27,669 --> 01:23:28,880
Yeah.
1592
01:23:30,714 --> 01:23:32,055
I am.
1593
01:23:35,802 --> 01:23:37,558
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
1594
01:23:40,432 --> 01:23:42,892
They should be back by now!
1595
01:23:42,893 --> 01:23:44,018
BLACK DEATH: It's definitely dead.
1596
01:23:44,019 --> 01:23:47,313
Says on the Internet you're supposed
to keep them in fresh water.
1597
01:23:47,314 --> 01:23:51,075
It is just hungry.
We must feed it.
1598
01:23:52,069 --> 01:23:53,990
Why are you looking at me?
1599
01:23:54,112 --> 01:23:55,833
(GRUNTS) We gotta
get this shit started.
1600
01:23:56,323 --> 01:24:00,464
Oh, yeah. Have I got
a show for you bitches!
1601
01:24:01,286 --> 01:24:03,208
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL CHEERING)
1602
01:24:06,625 --> 01:24:09,128
ALL: (CHANTING) Motherfucker,
Motherfucker...
1603
01:24:09,586 --> 01:24:11,841
All right, party people!
1604
01:24:12,297 --> 01:24:14,848
We are gonna
kill Kick-Ass,
1605
01:24:15,008 --> 01:24:18,686
the very first superhero,
together.
1606
01:24:18,845 --> 01:24:23,933
We are gonna cut him up into little
pieces, feed that shit to MC Shark
1607
01:24:23,934 --> 01:24:27,270
and post it all over YouTube.
For real!
1608
01:24:27,271 --> 01:24:28,611
(CHEERING)
1609
01:24:29,064 --> 01:24:30,273
He's kidding, right?
1610
01:24:30,274 --> 01:24:31,607
Motherfucker don't kid.
1611
01:24:31,608 --> 01:24:35,202
That's not it. I'm gonna give
each and every one of you
1612
01:24:35,362 --> 01:24:37,865
party favor fertilizer bombs!
1613
01:24:38,031 --> 01:24:39,657
And we are gonna
get our riot on!
1614
01:24:39,658 --> 01:24:41,580
That's what it
means to be evil.
1615
01:24:41,702 --> 01:24:44,916
We, my friends,
are the real 1%,
1616
01:24:45,038 --> 01:24:48,958
and tonight we are gonna fuck
this city up or my name is not...
1617
01:24:48,959 --> 01:24:51,085
DAVE: Chris D'Amico!
1618
01:24:51,086 --> 01:24:52,295
(MUSIC STOPS)
1619
01:24:52,296 --> 01:24:54,383
That is not my name!
1620
01:24:54,589 --> 01:24:56,143
(ALL MURMURING)
1621
01:24:56,758 --> 01:25:00,471
No, you're right. Your
new name's Little Bitch.
1622
01:25:01,388 --> 01:25:02,729
(LAUGHING)
1623
01:25:04,558 --> 01:25:06,314
Oh, this is perfect.
1624
01:25:07,269 --> 01:25:09,903
Are you really that stupid?
1625
01:25:10,564 --> 01:25:15,285
There's two of you
and a whole army of us.
1626
01:25:16,361 --> 01:25:19,042
Do you really have
such a hard-on to die?
1627
01:25:20,449 --> 01:25:21,742
MINDY: No.
1628
01:25:21,867 --> 01:25:24,335
That's why we
brought our friends.
1629
01:25:55,442 --> 01:25:58,290
What's the matter, Chris?
Shit hit your shorts?
1630
01:25:58,737 --> 01:26:02,913
Yeah, and I'm gonna wipe
my ass with your face.
1631
01:26:04,493 --> 01:26:07,791
You're gonna pay for
what you did to my dad.
1632
01:26:08,121 --> 01:26:12,132
Your dad? You blew up
my dad with a bazooka.
1633
01:26:18,673 --> 01:26:19,966
BAG GUYS: Oh!
1634
01:26:20,592 --> 01:26:21,850
(ALL SHOUTING)
1635
01:26:26,473 --> 01:26:27,600
(GRUNTING)
1636
01:26:41,738 --> 01:26:43,459
(SCREAMS)
1637
01:26:45,409 --> 01:26:48,089
Are you ready to die,
little girl?
1638
01:26:48,286 --> 01:26:52,379
I might be if I have to keep looking
at that shit-stain you call a face.
1639
01:27:02,175 --> 01:27:03,219
Chris!
1640
01:27:16,398 --> 01:27:17,869
(GROANS)
1641
01:27:29,035 --> 01:27:30,163
(COCKING GUNS)
1642
01:27:54,394 --> 01:27:55,438
(SIGHS)
1643
01:27:59,357 --> 01:28:03,070
Hold him down. I wanna see
what his guts look like.
1644
01:28:07,282 --> 01:28:08,991
That's enough from you boys!
1645
01:28:08,992 --> 01:28:10,250
(GRUNTING)
1646
01:28:12,913 --> 01:28:14,918
Nicely done, sweetheart.
1647
01:28:23,465 --> 01:28:24,757
That all you got?
1648
01:28:24,758 --> 01:28:27,635
No, I got my lethal
zero G device.
1649
01:28:27,636 --> 01:28:28,761
Bullshit.
1650
01:28:28,762 --> 01:28:29,853
(GASPS)
1651
01:28:30,305 --> 01:28:31,562
No shit.
1652
01:28:36,937 --> 01:28:37,980
(DEVICE POWERS UP)
1653
01:28:38,521 --> 01:28:40,194
(CHUCKLING EVILLY)
1654
01:28:47,614 --> 01:28:48,781
Are you okay?
1655
01:28:48,782 --> 01:28:50,950
(SUPERVILLAIN VOMITING)
1656
01:28:50,951 --> 01:28:53,631
Yeah. Thanks.
Ass Kicker.
1657
01:28:56,289 --> 01:28:57,416
Nice.
1658
01:28:57,791 --> 01:28:59,344
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1659
01:29:03,964 --> 01:29:05,172
(BONES CRACKING)
1660
01:29:05,173 --> 01:29:06,217
(SCREAMS)
1661
01:29:09,552 --> 01:29:10,644
(YELLS)
1662
01:29:23,650 --> 01:29:24,742
(SCREAMS)
1663
01:30:00,312 --> 01:30:01,355
(YELLS)
1664
01:30:03,398 --> 01:30:04,572
(GASPS)
1665
01:30:04,691 --> 01:30:06,910
Jesus, you are such a pussy.
1666
01:30:07,027 --> 01:30:09,744
What is the point of wearing a mask
if you can't do what you want?
1667
01:30:09,863 --> 01:30:10,906
(YELPS)
1668
01:30:14,367 --> 01:30:16,088
(CHOKING)
1669
01:30:16,578 --> 01:30:18,298
We want to do good.
1670
01:30:18,413 --> 01:30:20,414
No, people want
to win the lottery.
1671
01:30:20,415 --> 01:30:21,582
(SCREAMING)
1672
01:30:21,583 --> 01:30:24,632
People want to fuck
Scarlett Johansson.
1673
01:30:35,096 --> 01:30:38,809
You think you can kill me
with little needle?
1674
01:30:43,104 --> 01:30:44,528
(EXHALES SOFTLY)
1675
01:30:53,073 --> 01:30:54,330
(GASPING)
1676
01:30:57,494 --> 01:30:59,578
That's not what it's for.
1677
01:30:59,579 --> 01:31:00,753
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
1678
01:31:03,500 --> 01:31:05,090
It's called adrenaline, bitch.
1679
01:31:05,668 --> 01:31:06,961
(GROANS)
1680
01:31:07,087 --> 01:31:08,796
What was that, some cheap shot?
1681
01:31:08,797 --> 01:31:10,434
That was for the Colonel.
1682
01:31:13,802 --> 01:31:14,845
Ahh!
1683
01:31:17,347 --> 01:31:18,391
That's for Night Bitch.
1684
01:31:26,147 --> 01:31:27,654
And that's for my dad.
1685
01:31:44,874 --> 01:31:46,630
(GLASS CRACKING)
1686
01:31:48,128 --> 01:31:49,219
(SCREAMS)
1687
01:31:51,506 --> 01:31:53,345
(GRUNTING)
1688
01:31:58,513 --> 01:32:00,399
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
1689
01:32:02,392 --> 01:32:03,863
(GROANS)
1690
01:32:04,018 --> 01:32:05,905
What the hell are you doing?
1691
01:32:06,354 --> 01:32:07,896
Saving your whiny ass!
1692
01:32:07,897 --> 01:32:09,022
No!
1693
01:32:09,023 --> 01:32:12,568
I won't let you have this.
I'd rather die!
1694
01:32:12,569 --> 01:32:16,709
What is wrong with you, dude? This
is not a comic book, it's real life!
1695
01:32:17,031 --> 01:32:20,378
When you're dead, it's done.
There's no sequel.
1696
01:32:20,493 --> 01:32:25,215
You made this real. You started it!
And I'm gonna finish it.
1697
01:32:25,582 --> 01:32:28,928
I'll be immortal,
like an evil Jesus.
1698
01:32:39,387 --> 01:32:40,431
Wait!
1699
01:32:41,389 --> 01:32:42,516
(SCREAMING)
1700
01:32:46,227 --> 01:32:47,271
(EXHALES)
1701
01:32:49,272 --> 01:32:50,565
(GASPING)
1702
01:32:52,984 --> 01:32:55,285
I'm alive. (LAUGHS)
1703
01:32:55,403 --> 01:32:56,744
Dave, I'm so sorry.
1704
01:33:01,075 --> 01:33:02,119
(YELLS)
1705
01:33:05,997 --> 01:33:08,251
DAVE: The feeling
was indescribable.
1706
01:33:08,750 --> 01:33:10,921
Chris D'Amico, dead.
1707
01:33:12,086 --> 01:33:15,433
His wannabe supervillains,
defeated.
1708
01:33:16,925 --> 01:33:19,772
But did we make
the world a better place?
1709
01:33:20,720 --> 01:33:25,395
Or did we just finish something that
began when I first put on this mask?
1710
01:33:28,228 --> 01:33:30,233
The cops are coming.
1711
01:33:30,897 --> 01:33:32,481
TOMMY'S MUM: They'll take
care of the bad guys.
1712
01:33:32,482 --> 01:33:35,447
We better skedaddle
before they get here.
1713
01:33:35,985 --> 01:33:37,110
We did it.
1714
01:33:37,111 --> 01:33:38,237
Fuck, yeah.
1715
01:33:38,238 --> 01:33:39,994
Hey, language.
1716
01:33:40,406 --> 01:33:44,962
You're right, if we're gonna dress like
heroes, we should act like heroes.
1717
01:33:45,954 --> 01:33:48,125
He'd be proud of you, Dave.
1718
01:33:48,748 --> 01:33:50,967
He'd be proud of all of us.
1719
01:33:52,877 --> 01:33:55,297
You know we can never
do this again, right?
1720
01:33:57,340 --> 01:33:58,681
It's over.
1721
01:34:02,470 --> 01:34:04,475
One last time.
Come on.
1722
01:34:08,351 --> 01:34:11,697
What do you say,
Hit Girl? Are you in?
1723
01:34:13,481 --> 01:34:15,320
Why the hell not?
1724
01:34:17,110 --> 01:34:19,115
ALL: Justice Forever!
1725
01:34:30,832 --> 01:34:33,679
(EXHALES) Thanks for the ride.
1726
01:34:34,127 --> 01:34:36,179
I'll see you at school.
1727
01:34:38,006 --> 01:34:40,177
I'm leaving New York, Dave.
1728
01:34:40,758 --> 01:34:44,270
I can't go home. I can't put
Marcus in that position.
1729
01:34:44,512 --> 01:34:47,526
Why? He won't arrest you.
You just saved the city.
1730
01:34:47,640 --> 01:34:50,654
Yeah, well, I also killed
six guys with a cop's gun.
1731
01:34:50,768 --> 01:34:53,153
Vigilantes don't
get a free pass.
1732
01:34:53,855 --> 01:34:57,449
You can't go.
People need you.
1733
01:34:58,651 --> 01:35:00,407
They've got you now.
Mindy... (LAUGHS)
1734
01:35:03,031 --> 01:35:04,584
I'm not like you.
1735
01:35:04,699 --> 01:35:08,163
You don't have to be a bad-ass
to be a superhero, Dave.
1736
01:35:10,204 --> 01:35:12,375
You just have to be brave.
1737
01:35:24,302 --> 01:35:25,394
What was that?
1738
01:35:28,598 --> 01:35:30,520
That was my first kiss.
1739
01:35:32,393 --> 01:35:35,905
Be nice or I'll rip your ass
out through your mouth.
1740
01:35:42,820 --> 01:35:44,113
DAVE: When Mindy left,
1741
01:35:44,822 --> 01:35:48,168
that's when I finally understood
where my life was going.
1742
01:35:49,202 --> 01:35:51,870
Just like it had to
eventually happen,
1743
01:35:51,871 --> 01:35:54,968
that real people would
try to be superheroes.
1744
01:35:55,583 --> 01:35:58,300
Eventually it had to end, too.
1745
01:36:14,852 --> 01:36:18,649
Superheroes can't exist in
the real world for a reason.
1746
01:36:18,773 --> 01:36:22,783
It's because the real
world needs real heroes.
1747
01:36:23,528 --> 01:36:26,790
And not some punk in a
wet-suit playing dress-up,
1748
01:36:27,365 --> 01:36:31,790
but a genuine bad-ass
who can really kick ass.
1749
01:42:18,340 --> 01:42:19,681
CHRIS: Hello?
1750
01:42:20,509 --> 01:42:23,013
Please. Don't go.
1751
01:42:23,846 --> 01:42:25,472
Don't go.
1752
01:42:25,473 --> 01:42:26,723
(GROANS)
1753
01:42:26,724 --> 01:42:28,527
Is anybody there?
1754
01:42:29,185 --> 01:42:30,526
(GROANING)
1755
01:42:31,687 --> 01:42:33,028
Hello?
1756
01:42:34,023 --> 01:42:35,364
(GROANING)
1757
01:42:37,193 --> 01:42:39,613
(GRUNTS) Some help, please?
1758
01:42:39,737 --> 01:42:43,490
A shark bit my fucking dick off
and I can't get some water?
1759
01:42:43,491 --> 01:42:45,211
(GRUNTING)
1760
01:42:47,036 --> 01:42:48,128
(STRAINS)