1 00:02:51,471 --> 00:02:54,634 Hey, look! It's the President! 2 00:02:55,475 --> 00:02:58,137 And the Pope! 3 00:03:12,058 --> 00:03:16,461 Oh, my God! Look! It's disgruntled postal workers. 4 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:37,738 Wait a minute! Give me my baby back! 5 00:03:44,724 --> 00:03:47,454 - Are you all right? - I'm soaking wet. 6 00:03:47,627 --> 00:03:49,959 - I'll get the talcum powder. - It's not that. 7 00:03:50,129 --> 00:03:53,394 I had a nightmare. Crime all around me, I couldn't stop it. 8 00:03:53,566 --> 00:03:56,933 - Frank, it was just a dream. - You're right. 9 00:03:57,103 --> 00:04:01,437 All I need is a good night's rest. Tomorrow everything will be fine. 10 00:07:21,474 --> 00:07:25,171 How's my little boy? Getting along OK, sweetie? 11 00:07:25,344 --> 00:07:30,543 As well as a heterosexual can in prison. I don't know if I can take it any longer. 12 00:07:30,716 --> 00:07:33,207 - How's Tanya? - Tanya's the same. 13 00:07:33,386 --> 00:07:37,117 Milky, creamy skin, pouting red lips, firm buttocks, 14 00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:40,282 ample breasts, ears you'd love to stick your tongue into... 15 00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:44,157 - I'll get guy cramps if you keep this up. - Sorry. 16 00:07:44,330 --> 00:07:46,730 There's somebody here to see you. 17 00:07:51,737 --> 00:07:53,295 Pahpshmir! 18 00:07:54,373 --> 00:08:00,869 - My people are very upset. - Of course, they're Arab terrorists. 19 00:08:01,047 --> 00:08:04,016 You're supposed to be the world's best terrorist bomber. 20 00:08:04,183 --> 00:08:08,586 - Train stations, government buildings. - The devastation in South Florida. 21 00:08:08,754 --> 00:08:12,554 - That was Hurricane Andrew. - That's what they told the public. 22 00:08:12,725 --> 00:08:17,753 We wanted to embarrass the USA. You've made the police look like heroes. 23 00:08:17,930 --> 00:08:21,889 I told you. A first-class job would cost five million. 24 00:08:22,068 --> 00:08:24,434 If you want to step up the price, 25 00:08:24,604 --> 00:08:29,371 I got a target that'll make City Hall look like chicken feed. 26 00:08:31,777 --> 00:08:36,271 A big target. Why should anything be different? 27 00:08:36,449 --> 00:08:38,542 Because five million dollars buys me! 28 00:08:39,852 --> 00:08:41,649 I'm breaking out of here. 29 00:08:41,821 --> 00:08:47,282 If you fail this time, Mr. Dillon, my people won't be so forgiving. 30 00:08:48,094 --> 00:08:51,393 Fail? Show me one man who can stop me. 31 00:09:27,466 --> 00:09:32,870 Attention shoppers, be sure to check out our special on paper towels. 32 00:09:35,541 --> 00:09:37,304 That's aisle seven. 33 00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,550 Hey! 34 00:09:45,718 --> 00:09:49,518 - Give it to me! - My purse! Somebody help me! 35 00:09:49,689 --> 00:09:52,453 - Let go of the purse, lady! - Help me! 36 00:09:54,193 --> 00:09:59,392 For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow... 37 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:03,766 ...which nobody can deny. 38 00:10:06,906 --> 00:10:12,242 Well, we shot a lot of people together. It's been great. 39 00:10:12,411 --> 00:10:18,646 Today I retire. If I do any shooting now, it'll have to be in my own home. 40 00:10:18,818 --> 00:10:24,347 Hopefully, it'll be an intruder and not an in-law like at my bachelor party. 41 00:10:24,523 --> 00:10:28,357 Ed, I officially give you my gun... 42 00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:33,864 ...and my badge. 43 00:10:36,435 --> 00:10:42,863 And... Jane and I would like to keep the handcuffs as a souvenir. 44 00:10:45,945 --> 00:10:52,145 Cheer up, Ed. This is not goodbye. This is just "I won't ever see you again". 45 00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:59,549 - Somebody help me! - Out of my way! 46 00:10:59,725 --> 00:11:03,786 - It. Drebin! Frank! Didn't you see that? - What? Oh... 47 00:11:03,963 --> 00:11:07,399 Yes, kitty litter. Two bags for a dollar. Great! 48 00:11:07,566 --> 00:11:12,162 Order. The jury will disregard that last statement. Continue, counselor. 49 00:11:13,739 --> 00:11:17,869 - The alimony had been set by the court. - Yes, but... 50 00:11:18,044 --> 00:11:23,141 You haven't paid alimony in two years, repeatedly defying a court order. 51 00:11:23,315 --> 00:11:27,513 - Isn't that right, Mr. Clayton? - I'd lost her address. She moved twice. 52 00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:30,622 Don't lie to me. You're under oath. 53 00:11:30,790 --> 00:11:34,453 Do you know what the penalty for perjury is? 54 00:11:34,627 --> 00:11:37,721 - I'll ask you that again. - Objection! 55 00:11:37,897 --> 00:11:41,560 Your Honor, I... Ow, ow, gee. 56 00:11:41,734 --> 00:11:45,101 - Counsel is leading the witness. - Sustained! 57 00:11:47,006 --> 00:11:49,998 Mommy said no pounding when she's in session. 58 00:11:50,176 --> 00:11:52,667 Read the prosecution's last statement. 59 00:11:52,845 --> 00:11:57,441 "Don't lie to me, Mr. Clayton. You're under oath." Good boy. 60 00:11:57,616 --> 00:12:00,710 "Do you know what the penalty for perjury is?" 61 00:12:03,022 --> 00:12:04,853 That's all I have, Your Honor. 62 00:12:05,024 --> 00:12:08,482 You may continue, Ms Spencer-Drebin. 63 00:12:08,661 --> 00:12:10,959 Prosecution rests. 64 00:12:11,130 --> 00:12:14,065 Defense Attorney Ms Davies-Jacobs-Steiner-Lazlo. 65 00:12:14,233 --> 00:12:16,064 No further questions. 66 00:12:16,235 --> 00:12:21,332 Court will recess until after the morning feeding. 67 00:12:23,809 --> 00:12:27,973 - We can win this. I can feel it. - Yes, of course. 68 00:12:28,147 --> 00:12:33,084 - I married the wrong man. - I never thought that was possible. 69 00:12:33,252 --> 00:12:36,016 - I beg your pardon? - Oh, nothing. 70 00:12:36,822 --> 00:12:40,553 Louise, there's no such thing as the wrong man. 71 00:12:40,726 --> 00:12:43,422 You just have to work at it. 72 00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:46,929 Now, let's see. Mr. and Mrs. Drebin, right? 73 00:12:47,566 --> 00:12:52,970 Now, you two have been married for six months? 74 00:12:53,139 --> 00:12:56,438 Yes. We really appreciate you seeing us, Doctor. 75 00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:58,941 Our last therapist recommended you. 76 00:12:59,578 --> 00:13:02,706 Yes, I was sorry to hear about his suicide. 77 00:13:02,882 --> 00:13:08,650 A couple need to get off on the right foot and not get caught up in blame. 78 00:13:08,821 --> 00:13:12,814 - Now, which one of you is impotent? - That would be him. 79 00:13:12,992 --> 00:13:14,357 Yes, of course. 80 00:13:14,527 --> 00:13:18,054 - Why don't you ask who's frigid? - That would be him. 81 00:13:18,230 --> 00:13:21,996 - How would you know? - He resents that I'm a working woman. 82 00:13:22,168 --> 00:13:25,160 He has no idea what a woman wants or needs. 83 00:13:25,337 --> 00:13:29,034 - You're so insensitive. - Is this that toilet seat thing? 84 00:13:29,208 --> 00:13:34,145 I want to have a baby. Every time we make love, you have a headache. 85 00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:37,146 I'm not a piece of meat. I'm trying! 86 00:13:37,316 --> 00:13:41,685 I've got ointments, lotions, creams, books, things that vibrate... 87 00:13:41,854 --> 00:13:44,084 - Frank! - Maybe it's your fault. 88 00:13:44,256 --> 00:13:49,319 Have you tried sexy lingerie? Lacy underwear? A black teddy? 89 00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:53,431 - I've tried them all. They don't work. - Oh! 90 00:13:53,599 --> 00:13:55,499 Why don't you want a child? 91 00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:59,968 Didn't I try to adopt that 18-year old Korean girl? 92 00:14:00,139 --> 00:14:04,542 Jane, Frank, here's what I suggest. 93 00:14:04,710 --> 00:14:10,580 Make tonight a special night. Dinner, wine, romantic music. 94 00:14:10,749 --> 00:14:15,379 Put on the 24-hour Johnny Mathis station. Just be Jane and Frank. 95 00:14:15,554 --> 00:14:17,579 Lovers! 96 00:14:17,756 --> 00:14:21,920 We haven't had a night like that in a long time. 97 00:14:22,094 --> 00:14:25,154 - Not together. - Frank! 98 00:14:26,332 --> 00:14:29,927 Jane, having a baby is a big responsibility. 99 00:14:30,102 --> 00:14:33,071 Like being in charge of sanitation at a Haitian jail. 100 00:14:33,239 --> 00:14:35,298 I'm just frightened. 101 00:14:35,474 --> 00:14:38,602 Let's make tonight something special. 102 00:14:38,777 --> 00:14:41,712 Oh, honey, it's just that I love you so much. 103 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:44,509 My little lover sparrow. 104 00:14:44,683 --> 00:14:47,379 My puppy wuppy wuvver. 105 00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:49,953 My little love biscuit. 106 00:14:50,122 --> 00:14:54,388 - My little snookie wookums. - My little lady cheesy puffy. 107 00:14:55,427 --> 00:14:59,625 Mr. and Mrs. Drebin, please, I'm a diabetic. I think you ought to go now. 108 00:15:01,967 --> 00:15:06,927 - I never thought we'd end this way. - How did you think we'd end? 109 00:15:08,173 --> 00:15:12,576 I don't know. Some other way. 110 00:15:13,345 --> 00:15:16,075 Oh, Jason, please... 111 00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:18,409 Bobbi... 112 00:15:19,718 --> 00:15:24,781 - I've been hurt before. - We have to fight this thing together. 113 00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:30,494 Ed, Nordberg! It's been a long time! 114 00:15:30,663 --> 00:15:33,632 - Good to see you, buddy. - You look terrific. 115 00:15:33,799 --> 00:15:37,735 I'm taking a step class, and I got a thigh master for Christmas. 116 00:15:37,903 --> 00:15:40,337 Where are my manners? Come on in! 117 00:15:41,573 --> 00:15:45,100 - How charming! - Sit, sit. 118 00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:50,476 Excuse the mess. It's my ironing day. I've just frosted some cupcakes. 119 00:15:50,649 --> 00:15:53,277 - Would you care for one? - Not now. 120 00:15:53,452 --> 00:15:56,319 We're having trouble with a terrorist threat. 121 00:15:56,488 --> 00:15:59,286 - Police Squad is certain that... - I'd love a cupcake. 122 00:15:59,458 --> 00:16:02,359 - That coffee smells great. - I grind my own beans. 123 00:16:02,528 --> 00:16:07,625 We're here because we need your help with something. 124 00:16:14,773 --> 00:16:17,264 - They're great! - I'd hoped you'd like them. 125 00:16:17,443 --> 00:16:20,640 Made from scratch. I'll just get off my feet. 126 00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:25,944 We may have a lead on a suspect in the City Hall bombing attempt. 127 00:16:26,118 --> 00:16:28,313 These were taken by a photographer. 128 00:16:28,487 --> 00:16:31,513 - She was used as a diversion. - We've had them enlarged. 129 00:16:31,690 --> 00:16:36,389 - They look familiar. - No, Frank, the pin. She's a nurse. 130 00:16:36,562 --> 00:16:38,359 Can I keep this one? 131 00:16:38,530 --> 00:16:44,366 We traced her to the Karlson Clinic on Myrtlewood. Her name is Tanya Peters. 132 00:16:44,536 --> 00:16:49,098 - Do you know her? - Don't you remember back in the 70s? 133 00:16:49,274 --> 00:16:51,469 The big disco shoot out. 134 00:17:09,128 --> 00:17:11,995 Hey, Ed. What's happening, my man? 135 00:17:12,164 --> 00:17:15,463 We missed you last night at the fondue party. 136 00:17:15,634 --> 00:17:19,570 Couldn't make it. I saw the Village People. They're gas. 137 00:17:19,738 --> 00:17:22,070 - Far out, I can dig it! - What's this? 138 00:17:22,241 --> 00:17:24,937 One dead disco dancer. 139 00:17:25,110 --> 00:17:29,342 - Bummer! What a mind bender. - We think it was a love triangle. 140 00:17:29,515 --> 00:17:32,916 This is the suspect's girlfriend, Tanya Peters. 141 00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:36,119 - Cigarette? - Yes, I know. 142 00:17:37,156 --> 00:17:41,183 We'll need a statement from you down at the station. 143 00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:45,421 - Nordberg! - Coming, lieutenant! 144 00:17:54,373 --> 00:17:59,310 I do remember! You were one of the first test cases for minoxidol. 145 00:17:59,478 --> 00:18:02,572 - What? - I'm glad I could be of help. 146 00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:05,876 If you don't mind, I've got a rump of lamb to roast. 147 00:18:06,051 --> 00:18:09,543 - We need a favor. - It's not that big a rump roast. 148 00:18:09,721 --> 00:18:13,919 It's not that. We need you to go undercover at the clinic. 149 00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:18,655 I've quit police work. You're whistling up the wrong neck of the woods. 150 00:18:18,831 --> 00:18:21,129 I wouldn't ask, but we're in a bind. 151 00:18:21,300 --> 00:18:27,170 - What about Hedges and O'Malley? - They're in Hawaii... together. 152 00:18:27,339 --> 00:18:30,866 I can't. Jane and I have a special evening planned. 153 00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:34,410 It'll only take a few hours. Still time to make dinner. 154 00:18:34,580 --> 00:18:37,344 I don't know. I'll have to make pork chops. 155 00:18:37,516 --> 00:18:42,818 Think of all the crime. Nobody is safe. You'd be protecting Jane. 156 00:18:42,988 --> 00:18:45,684 You'd be protecting all the Janes of the world. 157 00:18:45,858 --> 00:18:49,760 - You haven't shot anybody in 6 months. - That's true. 158 00:18:49,928 --> 00:18:52,260 Funny how you miss the little things. 159 00:18:52,431 --> 00:18:56,367 Might be good to feel cold steel against my thigh again. 160 00:18:56,535 --> 00:18:59,026 The thrill of a chase... to be a man! 161 00:19:00,639 --> 00:19:03,267 After folding the laundry, I set out for the clinic. 162 00:19:03,442 --> 00:19:06,934 Police operations require a foolproof disguise. 163 00:19:07,112 --> 00:19:10,343 This operation was no different. 164 00:19:12,050 --> 00:19:16,714 I had no idea if Tanya would recognize me, so I wore fake glasses. 165 00:19:16,889 --> 00:19:19,517 I combed my hair differently, just in case. 166 00:19:19,691 --> 00:19:24,355 I planned to get in and find out about Tanya's connection with the bombing, 167 00:19:24,530 --> 00:19:26,862 and get out as quickly as possible. 168 00:19:27,032 --> 00:19:32,265 I figured faking an old football injury would do the trick. 169 00:19:32,437 --> 00:19:35,372 - Can I help you? - I'd like to see a doctor. 170 00:19:36,375 --> 00:19:40,709 Sign in here, please. Do you have an appointment, Mr.? 171 00:19:40,879 --> 00:19:43,211 Smith. No, I don't. 172 00:19:43,382 --> 00:19:46,408 - Then take a number. - Six. 173 00:19:46,585 --> 00:19:49,383 - What? - Is six taken? 174 00:19:49,555 --> 00:19:53,047 Does it have to be between one and ten? 175 00:19:55,561 --> 00:19:59,395 - You'll be called. - Thank you. 176 00:20:05,704 --> 00:20:08,502 Mr. Smith? 177 00:20:08,674 --> 00:20:12,235 We've had a cancellation. We can take you now. Dr. Kohlzak? 178 00:20:12,411 --> 00:20:15,710 Good morning, Mr. Smith. Right this way. 179 00:20:15,881 --> 00:20:21,513 I appreciate you seeing me. I'm sure it won't take too long. 180 00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:32,721 - When did you first notice the problem? - In the back yard with my uncle. 181 00:20:32,898 --> 00:20:37,926 - In the back yard? With your uncle? - Yes, when he visits... 182 00:20:38,103 --> 00:20:42,563 ...we like to go out in the back yard and throw it around. 183 00:20:42,741 --> 00:20:45,471 What did you and your uncle find out? 184 00:20:45,644 --> 00:20:49,637 I can't keep up with him. Mine hurt, especially on the long ones. 185 00:20:49,815 --> 00:20:55,811 I can't seem to straighten it out. It has no feeling. It's kind of numb. 186 00:20:55,988 --> 00:20:58,616 I may have yanked it too much, maybe. 187 00:21:02,527 --> 00:21:06,224 - If you would... - For what? 188 00:21:06,398 --> 00:21:09,299 - A sperm count. - In here? 189 00:21:09,468 --> 00:21:13,097 It's not exactly the back yard, but it will do. 190 00:21:13,805 --> 00:21:15,432 Well... 191 00:21:32,157 --> 00:21:36,651 Follow me, and we'll do the necessary paperwork. 192 00:21:39,064 --> 00:21:43,763 Sign these at the bottom, and leave them with the nurse. 193 00:21:45,003 --> 00:21:47,028 - This way, please. - What? 194 00:21:47,205 --> 00:21:49,673 - Number 17. - A problem? 195 00:21:49,841 --> 00:21:53,402 - No. - This is 17. You're next. 196 00:21:53,578 --> 00:21:57,844 - Have we met before? - If you excuse me, I'm next. 197 00:22:03,355 --> 00:22:05,323 Sir... 198 00:22:05,490 --> 00:22:08,721 Mr. Smith, how are we doing? 199 00:22:09,661 --> 00:22:11,720 I've been busy, if that's what you mean. 200 00:22:11,897 --> 00:22:14,832 Would you like a video tape to assist you? 201 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:19,096 Do you have "Dances With Wolves"? "Rocketeer"? "Lady And The Tramp"? 202 00:22:19,271 --> 00:22:22,468 An adult movie. 203 00:22:33,618 --> 00:22:35,813 The tape was very entertaining. 204 00:22:35,987 --> 00:22:38,217 Follow me. 205 00:22:38,890 --> 00:22:41,757 Do you have "Spartacus"? 206 00:23:02,948 --> 00:23:07,715 Maintenance, clean up Room 7. Maintenance, clean up Room 7. 207 00:23:07,886 --> 00:23:09,513 Stat. 208 00:23:14,726 --> 00:23:17,524 - What are you doing? - Freshening up. 209 00:23:17,696 --> 00:23:22,224 You should always look your best, even by yourself. 210 00:23:22,401 --> 00:23:24,733 Are you sure we've never met? 211 00:23:24,903 --> 00:23:28,066 Oh, here's my cup. Back to work. 212 00:23:30,175 --> 00:23:33,042 Mr. Smith, are you OK in there? 213 00:23:33,211 --> 00:23:35,611 I could use a little help. 214 00:23:36,782 --> 00:23:41,219 Dr. Rosenblatt, foreplay in Room 7, please. 215 00:23:59,805 --> 00:24:02,467 Honey, I've been waiting all day. 216 00:24:03,508 --> 00:24:08,571 I'm wearing the nightgown you bought me for our honeymoon. 217 00:24:10,048 --> 00:24:15,850 Tonight's gonna be special. I'll make love to you for hours and hours. 218 00:24:16,021 --> 00:24:18,012 Wouldn't Mr. Happy like that? 219 00:24:19,791 --> 00:24:22,453 - Hours? - Like our first time together. 220 00:24:22,627 --> 00:24:27,360 Why don't I get ready and soak in the tub for a couple of days? 221 00:24:27,532 --> 00:24:29,523 Possibly a week. 222 00:24:29,701 --> 00:24:34,502 So cute! Let me go and get the oysters and clams. 223 00:25:09,174 --> 00:25:12,735 Here. I'll shave your back like last time. 224 00:25:12,911 --> 00:25:16,039 Jane, I really don't think we should. 225 00:25:17,048 --> 00:25:21,382 - Frank, what's this?! - I fell... on a rake. 226 00:25:21,553 --> 00:25:25,512 You're lying. Now I know why Ed's been calling. 227 00:25:25,690 --> 00:25:29,683 - You've been back on the case. - No, I swear. It's another woman. 228 00:25:29,861 --> 00:25:31,852 In your wildest dreams! 229 00:25:32,030 --> 00:25:36,194 It's bad enough you won't have a baby. I warned you against working again. 230 00:25:36,368 --> 00:25:38,768 You white Anglo male! 231 00:25:38,937 --> 00:25:45,240 Jane, it was nothing. I was only doing Ed a small favor. 232 00:25:45,410 --> 00:25:50,279 Some retirement! I'm leaving. I never thought you'd go back on your word. 233 00:25:50,448 --> 00:25:53,611 - Aren't you being a little hasty? - I don't think so. 234 00:25:54,219 --> 00:25:57,655 That's the cab. You can reach me at Louise's. 235 00:25:57,822 --> 00:26:02,156 How could you? We need some time apart to think about us. 236 00:26:02,327 --> 00:26:05,524 I'm not going to think. Why now? I love you. 237 00:26:05,697 --> 00:26:08,825 Look, I am what I am, and I do what I do. 238 00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:13,596 Some make shoelaces, some make a living neutering animals. 239 00:26:13,772 --> 00:26:16,070 - I am a cop. - Pretty speech. 240 00:26:16,241 --> 00:26:18,368 My mind is made up, I'm leaving! 241 00:26:18,543 --> 00:26:21,478 All right, then take this with you. 242 00:26:27,218 --> 00:26:31,211 I guess you know how my lips feel about things. 243 00:26:36,595 --> 00:26:38,290 Goodbye, Frank. 244 00:26:38,463 --> 00:26:42,866 Your listening to K.S.A.D. All depressing, all the time. 245 00:26:43,034 --> 00:26:47,266 Here's a dedication to Frank from Jane calling from a taxi. 246 00:26:47,439 --> 00:26:51,535 You not only shoot blanks, you leave the door open, 247 00:26:51,710 --> 00:26:54,270 letting the heat out. Were you born in a barn? 248 00:26:56,848 --> 00:27:01,376 He wouldn't do any more police work. Once a cop, always a cop. 249 00:27:01,553 --> 00:27:05,751 - He's married to his work, not me. - You'll come second. 250 00:27:05,924 --> 00:27:10,418 There's an article in Cosmo, "Why All Men Are Pigs". Read it! 251 00:27:10,595 --> 00:27:15,123 Frank's just another word for "loser". I never want to see him again. 252 00:27:15,300 --> 00:27:17,962 I want to get far away from here. 253 00:27:18,136 --> 00:27:22,664 We'll go to my friend's cabin. The fresh air will do you good. 254 00:27:22,841 --> 00:27:25,503 Go easy! That's your second bottle of Chanel. 255 00:27:25,677 --> 00:27:29,272 This is the beginning of a new Jane Spencer-Drebin. 256 00:27:29,447 --> 00:27:33,281 No more Miss Perky who devoted her life to one man. 257 00:27:33,451 --> 00:27:37,182 I'm out for the new me. Let's burn rubber! 258 00:27:40,091 --> 00:27:43,390 - Have you forgotten anything? - I hope not. 259 00:27:47,499 --> 00:27:51,799 Calm down. How many bodies did you find in your pool? 260 00:27:51,970 --> 00:27:56,236 In this state killing a gang member is only an $18 fine. 261 00:27:56,408 --> 00:28:00,071 - Frank! Glad you could make it. - Welcome, buddy. 262 00:28:00,245 --> 00:28:03,078 - Nordberg, Ed. - Did you find Tanya's address? 263 00:28:03,248 --> 00:28:07,480 I wrote it down on a hanky, and I can't remember what I did with it. 264 00:28:07,652 --> 00:28:10,849 - I'm getting rusty. - That could happen to anybody. 265 00:28:11,022 --> 00:28:14,651 I brought you some of "Frank's Never Fail Fudge". 266 00:28:14,826 --> 00:28:17,795 - Go on about your business. - Smells great. 267 00:28:17,962 --> 00:28:22,160 - I'll stay out of your hair. - It'll be just like... 268 00:28:23,735 --> 00:28:27,899 Frank, let me get that. We have a surprise for you. 269 00:28:28,073 --> 00:28:31,668 In honor of your 30 years on the force. Nordberg! 270 00:28:34,145 --> 00:28:38,343 Oh, boy. This is really great. 271 00:28:41,152 --> 00:28:43,450 Thank you, guys. 272 00:28:43,621 --> 00:28:47,182 It might cheer you up. We heard about you and Jane. 273 00:28:47,358 --> 00:28:51,624 Jane, Jane... The name will always remind me of her. 274 00:28:52,497 --> 00:28:56,661 I feel bad about this. If there's anything you need? 275 00:28:56,835 --> 00:29:01,863 - Like Dr. Kevorkian's home number. - Nordberg, put it together! 276 00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:04,634 - We're here for you. - Thanks. 277 00:29:04,809 --> 00:29:08,245 - Look who's here. Nice to see you. - Ted. 278 00:29:08,413 --> 00:29:11,905 - I have data for you on the bomb. - What did you find out? 279 00:29:12,083 --> 00:29:16,315 - The explosive is a very fine powder. - It tastes like... 280 00:29:16,488 --> 00:29:19,321 That's fertilizer. It's for another case. 281 00:29:19,491 --> 00:29:21,982 This is what I'm talking about. 282 00:29:22,160 --> 00:29:26,790 - We detected nitroglycerine. - Can you tell us where it came from? 283 00:29:26,965 --> 00:29:28,830 I'd be glad to. 284 00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:32,800 Billions of years ago, the earth was a molten mass... 285 00:29:32,971 --> 00:29:36,270 - I mean the powder. - We have no clue. 286 00:29:36,441 --> 00:29:39,103 Let me take that urine, Frank. 287 00:29:39,277 --> 00:29:42,872 We found a list of the bomber's plans at the scene. 288 00:29:43,047 --> 00:29:45,880 - We analyzed the paper. - And? 289 00:29:46,050 --> 00:29:48,848 The paper is from Statesville Prison. 290 00:29:49,020 --> 00:29:50,988 - Are you sure? - Positive. 291 00:29:51,156 --> 00:29:57,959 The wood is from the rare Canary Island Pine. It only grows in Oregon. 292 00:29:58,129 --> 00:30:03,157 Contacting paper mills led us to a distribution center in Tacoma. 293 00:30:03,334 --> 00:30:05,234 There the trail ended. 294 00:30:05,403 --> 00:30:09,533 - How did you trace it to Statesville? - The letterhead. 295 00:30:09,707 --> 00:30:15,168 We compared the handwriting of all bombers serving in Statesville 296 00:30:15,346 --> 00:30:17,871 and found a suspect, Rocco Dillon. 297 00:30:18,049 --> 00:30:20,779 He's masterminding the bombings from the prison. 298 00:30:20,952 --> 00:30:24,888 If so, there's only one way to find out where Rocco'll strike next. 299 00:30:25,056 --> 00:30:28,389 - We'll have to send someone in prison. - I'll do it. 300 00:30:28,560 --> 00:30:31,324 I wouldn't feel right about that. 301 00:30:31,496 --> 00:30:34,021 If Rocco finds out, you might end up dead. 302 00:30:34,199 --> 00:30:36,599 "You might end up dead" is my middle name. 303 00:30:36,768 --> 00:30:39,328 - What about Jane? - I don't know hers. 304 00:30:39,504 --> 00:30:43,463 I need the action. I'm going inside the big house. 305 00:30:43,641 --> 00:30:46,508 Frank, Ed, you might want to see this. 306 00:30:46,678 --> 00:30:50,170 We're testing a prototype for a new anti-carjacking device. 307 00:30:50,348 --> 00:30:52,748 You'll get to see how it works. 308 00:30:52,917 --> 00:30:54,817 - Get out! - No. 309 00:30:54,986 --> 00:30:56,817 Don't make me use... 310 00:31:02,093 --> 00:31:03,526 "The Denver Jockstrap". 311 00:31:11,936 --> 00:31:15,804 After being retired for six months, I was back in action. 312 00:31:15,974 --> 00:31:20,911 Faster than you say "Spread 'em!", I was inside Statesville Prison. 313 00:31:21,079 --> 00:31:24,048 I was surrounded by pimps, rapists and murderers. 314 00:31:24,215 --> 00:31:27,343 It was like being in the stands of an LA Raiders' game. 315 00:31:27,518 --> 00:31:33,855 It was going to take all my police experience just to stay alive in here. 316 00:31:44,002 --> 00:31:48,166 After a long and generous cavity search, I reached my destination: 317 00:31:48,339 --> 00:31:53,402 Maximum security, home of some of the country's most violent sociopaths. 318 00:31:53,578 --> 00:31:57,776 And the worst of them all, Rocco Dillon. 319 00:31:59,784 --> 00:32:01,479 All right, in here. 320 00:32:01,653 --> 00:32:07,023 Ain't no prison yet could hold me. Attica! Attica! Power to the brothers. 321 00:32:07,191 --> 00:32:10,524 Kill whitey, kill whitey! 322 00:32:10,695 --> 00:32:12,993 Knock it off! 323 00:32:16,534 --> 00:32:18,661 You're chirping loud for a new canary. 324 00:32:18,836 --> 00:32:22,602 Keep flashing your eyes, and I'll balance your jaw. 325 00:32:22,774 --> 00:32:28,440 Hey! You know who you're talking to? The man is Rocco Dillon. 326 00:32:28,613 --> 00:32:32,014 - Where's your prison number? - It's unlisted. 327 00:32:32,183 --> 00:32:35,744 Just call me Nick "The Slasher" Magirk. 328 00:32:36,321 --> 00:32:40,121 Look, ham head. I'm the muscle in this pen. Stay out of my way. 329 00:32:40,291 --> 00:32:42,623 Just watch your step, Magirk. 330 00:32:42,794 --> 00:32:45,456 Take it from me, this place changes a man. 331 00:32:45,630 --> 00:32:48,690 - Oh, yeah, in what way? - I used to be white. 332 00:32:50,735 --> 00:32:53,260 I was the drummer for the Osmonds. 333 00:32:53,438 --> 00:32:57,841 Screw with me, he'll make you feel pain you've never felt before. 334 00:32:58,009 --> 00:33:01,035 I know, I remember the Osmonds. 335 00:33:02,046 --> 00:33:05,243 - Better hit the rack, Magirk. - In a minute. 336 00:33:05,416 --> 00:33:09,978 First I'll make a list of the people I'm gonna kill in the next few days. 337 00:33:10,154 --> 00:33:14,090 Lights out! Lock down in two minutes! 338 00:33:16,794 --> 00:33:19,991 My dearest snookie wookums buns, 339 00:33:20,164 --> 00:33:24,396 I miss you so much. I haven't felt this bad since... 340 00:33:24,569 --> 00:33:26,901 the last time I was dumped. 341 00:33:27,071 --> 00:33:30,529 I remember it well. Her name was Gabriella. 342 00:33:31,175 --> 00:33:32,904 We were supposed to marry, 343 00:33:33,077 --> 00:33:36,979 but on our wedding day, she never showed up. 344 00:33:40,551 --> 00:33:45,318 I was heartbroken, destroyed. I figured she'd fallen for another man. 345 00:33:45,490 --> 00:33:48,254 Someone who could do to her what I never could. 346 00:33:48,426 --> 00:33:53,591 I thought my life was over until that one glorious day. 347 00:33:53,765 --> 00:33:59,260 That was the day you became my wife. All our friends celebrated our love. 348 00:33:59,437 --> 00:34:03,305 It seemed like only yesterday. We were all so overjoyed. 349 00:34:03,474 --> 00:34:08,411 We wished they all could come with us. That was the happiest day of my life. 350 00:34:08,579 --> 00:34:12,879 I'll never forget the plans we made. Things were going to be perfect. 351 00:34:13,051 --> 00:34:16,214 We were going to get that housekeeper you always wanted. 352 00:34:16,387 --> 00:34:18,582 Hi, Mr. and Mrs. D. 353 00:34:18,756 --> 00:34:21,782 I knew that eventually our dream would come true. 354 00:34:21,959 --> 00:34:25,122 One day we'd have our own Frank Drebin Jr. 355 00:34:25,296 --> 00:34:27,628 Shut up, Magirk. I'm trying to sleep. 356 00:34:27,799 --> 00:34:30,632 It's no use. She'll never come back. 357 00:35:36,601 --> 00:35:38,626 Bend over and pick it up for me... 358 00:35:39,804 --> 00:35:41,499 ...would you, lover? 359 00:35:41,672 --> 00:35:43,367 No problem. 360 00:35:54,352 --> 00:35:59,051 Rocco could tell from my escapade in the shower that I was courageous. 361 00:35:59,223 --> 00:36:01,088 Now, I had to get on the inside. 362 00:36:01,259 --> 00:36:04,786 Like a blind man at an orgy, I would have to feel things out. 363 00:36:06,931 --> 00:36:11,959 Tyrone, I've got the escape plans here. Just you and me. 364 00:36:12,136 --> 00:36:15,128 - Burnett wants in, too. - He's a guard! 365 00:36:15,306 --> 00:36:19,470 - I know, but he's unhappy here. - All right, whatever. 366 00:36:20,411 --> 00:36:23,574 Got it all worked out right here. 367 00:36:25,616 --> 00:36:29,575 What's this? Another letter from your mommy? 368 00:36:29,754 --> 00:36:32,723 - That's private, screw. - Let's have a look. 369 00:36:32,890 --> 00:36:37,088 - Give him back his letter. - Buzz off, butter cheeks. 370 00:36:37,261 --> 00:36:40,822 What's so special about a little letter? 371 00:36:40,998 --> 00:36:43,899 Wait a minute... an escape plan! 372 00:36:44,602 --> 00:36:50,006 This is your ticket to another 20 years. If the Warden gets one look... 373 00:36:51,809 --> 00:36:56,212 You call this slop? Real slop has got chunks of things in it. 374 00:36:56,380 --> 00:36:58,678 This is more like gruel! 375 00:36:59,317 --> 00:37:04,846 This Chateau LeBlanc '68 is supposed to be served slightly chilled. 376 00:37:05,022 --> 00:37:07,149 This is room temperature. 377 00:37:07,325 --> 00:37:11,386 - What do you think we are? Animals? - No! 378 00:37:11,562 --> 00:37:13,291 What are we? 379 00:37:14,432 --> 00:37:16,263 Homo sapiens? 380 00:37:17,335 --> 00:37:21,897 You're right! We are men! We are men! 381 00:37:22,073 --> 00:37:25,770 We are men! We are men! 382 00:37:53,904 --> 00:37:56,270 No, no. Stop! 383 00:37:59,677 --> 00:38:04,011 Right hand red, left hand blue. Who's got a hand in my pocket? 384 00:38:13,224 --> 00:38:17,092 Come on, son. You can do it. Eat some beans. 385 00:38:38,816 --> 00:38:43,150 You saved my bacon. I'd be in solitary if you hadn't done that. 386 00:38:43,321 --> 00:38:46,290 You've been handling yourself really good. 387 00:38:46,457 --> 00:38:48,516 - Really well. - Whatever. 388 00:38:48,693 --> 00:38:52,823 I've got something big coming up. I could have use for you. 389 00:38:52,997 --> 00:38:55,591 You've got a dental plan? What's the caper? 390 00:38:55,766 --> 00:39:00,863 We've got to bust out of this playpen. Thanks to you, we have an escape plan. 391 00:39:01,038 --> 00:39:03,700 - It's a good plan. - I've had better. 392 00:39:03,874 --> 00:39:07,241 Listen, I've got a foolproof plan. 393 00:39:08,179 --> 00:39:09,874 They've got Tyrone. 394 00:39:11,148 --> 00:39:14,675 Can't we all just get along? 395 00:39:19,990 --> 00:39:23,551 Now that Tyrone was in solitary, it was just me and Rocco. 396 00:39:23,728 --> 00:39:27,528 He had no choice but to trust me... Shh! Hold on! 397 00:39:28,199 --> 00:39:31,532 Anyway, I convinced Rocco to dig a tunnel. 398 00:39:31,702 --> 00:39:33,829 It was either that or the laundry truck. 399 00:39:34,004 --> 00:39:37,440 The thought of lying nose down in underwear with skid marks 400 00:39:37,608 --> 00:39:39,542 didn't leave a good taste in my mouth. 401 00:39:44,749 --> 00:39:48,651 Disposing of the dirt was a problem I solved early. 402 00:39:48,819 --> 00:39:52,550 Outside of some major chaffing, we made good progress. 403 00:39:52,723 --> 00:39:58,025 We kept digging, and dummies gave the impression we were in our cell. 404 00:39:58,195 --> 00:39:59,628 Lights out, Magirk. 405 00:39:59,797 --> 00:40:04,131 There was more dirt than I anticipated. Disposing of it was tricky. 406 00:40:26,624 --> 00:40:28,387 Safe! 407 00:40:41,806 --> 00:40:45,503 Where are you going? Are you thinking of Frank again? 408 00:40:45,676 --> 00:40:50,010 - They are playing our song. - I understand. Take your time. 409 00:41:06,931 --> 00:41:08,523 - Hello, there. - Excuse me. 410 00:41:08,699 --> 00:41:11,634 I'm hauling a load of rice cakes to Big D. 411 00:41:11,802 --> 00:41:13,633 - Why don't you come? - No. 412 00:41:13,804 --> 00:41:15,533 - How about a kiss? - No! 413 00:41:15,706 --> 00:41:20,370 I know women mean "yes" when they say "no". How about that kiss? 414 00:41:20,544 --> 00:41:23,377 - Yes. - What do you mean "no"? 415 00:41:23,547 --> 00:41:25,981 Come on, baby, we're two of a kind. 416 00:41:40,297 --> 00:41:44,028 - You killed him! - It was an accident. Call the police. 417 00:41:44,201 --> 00:41:49,605 Come to your senses. You killed a man. You're a hero to all American women! 418 00:41:49,773 --> 00:41:51,900 Call Frank. He'll protect us. 419 00:41:52,076 --> 00:41:55,011 He's a man. He'll lock you away for life. 420 00:41:57,615 --> 00:42:01,142 I wanna help you kill as many men as possible. 421 00:42:04,255 --> 00:42:06,917 Do what you have to do. I'm calling Frank. 422 00:42:12,429 --> 00:42:17,890 Be home, Frank, please. Answer the phone, snuggie pants. Frank! 423 00:42:18,068 --> 00:42:20,901 - Hi, this is Frank. - And Jane. We're the Drebins. 424 00:42:21,071 --> 00:42:25,030 We're not home right now. Leave a message. 425 00:42:26,343 --> 00:42:29,335 - Which button do I press? - Not that one. 426 00:42:39,924 --> 00:42:43,951 Tanya? It was another woman. Frank was telling the truth. 427 00:42:44,128 --> 00:42:49,065 Honeymoon Bay Road, I bet they're there right now. Oh, Frank! 428 00:42:49,233 --> 00:42:51,963 Cell inspection! 429 00:42:53,270 --> 00:42:56,467 There's been a rumor of a possible break-out. 430 00:42:56,640 --> 00:43:00,838 If we suspect anyone of attempting to escape, 431 00:43:01,011 --> 00:43:03,605 they will be punished severely. 432 00:43:04,715 --> 00:43:08,674 Once word of the escape was out, we had to move for the tunnel. 433 00:43:08,852 --> 00:43:10,979 The last few feet had to be dug on the run. 434 00:43:11,155 --> 00:43:15,319 We were sure that another 47 yards would take us beyond the prison walls. 435 00:43:15,492 --> 00:43:19,895 May he rest in peace in the arms of our loving... Jesus Christ! 436 00:43:20,064 --> 00:43:21,656 Amen. 437 00:43:21,832 --> 00:43:24,995 Rocco had arranged for a getaway car to meet us. 438 00:43:27,237 --> 00:43:31,435 After adjusting our direction, we arrived at the rendezvous point... 439 00:43:32,142 --> 00:43:34,167 ... a Los Angeles city high school. 440 00:43:48,325 --> 00:43:52,284 Hey, that was close. Hey, Rocco, who's the old hag? 441 00:43:52,463 --> 00:43:55,796 - She take one in the face? - She's my mother! 442 00:43:57,001 --> 00:44:01,028 Mrs. Dillon, your son is a ruthless, sadistic, cold-blooded animal. 443 00:44:01,205 --> 00:44:03,730 - You must be very proud of him. - I am. 444 00:44:03,907 --> 00:44:08,276 Ma, I want you to meet a real square egg, Nick "The Slasher" Magirk. 445 00:44:08,445 --> 00:44:10,606 There are fresh clothes in the back. 446 00:44:10,781 --> 00:44:16,617 Rocco's mother was quiet. I sensed she didn't like me coming along. 447 00:44:17,421 --> 00:44:22,518 Like a midget at a urinal, I would have to stay on my toes. 448 00:44:33,804 --> 00:44:35,795 Hey! Stop! 449 00:44:39,677 --> 00:44:41,167 Oh, Frank! 450 00:44:56,927 --> 00:45:00,988 It wasn't my fault. That cow shouldn't have been on the road. 451 00:45:01,165 --> 00:45:03,258 Hurry up, you're letting the flies in! 452 00:45:03,434 --> 00:45:05,834 - What do you think, kid? - Sweet setup. 453 00:45:06,003 --> 00:45:10,463 No phones. Miles from the nearest town. Playboy Channel. Perfect. 454 00:45:10,641 --> 00:45:16,204 Nice digs, but I'm here for the action. Are we taking banks or armored cars? 455 00:45:17,047 --> 00:45:21,507 - You're getting too nosy, Magirk. - Relax, Ma. 456 00:45:21,685 --> 00:45:25,018 - She's been itching to try this gun. - I know the feeling. 457 00:45:46,210 --> 00:45:50,476 It was Tanya. That bathing suit was never happier. 458 00:45:50,647 --> 00:45:54,344 I had only a second to admire the view. I had to watch out. 459 00:45:54,518 --> 00:45:57,976 If she made me as a cop, I'd be tonight's meat loaf. 460 00:45:58,155 --> 00:46:02,649 - Come here, sexy. - You're all woman. I can tell. 461 00:46:02,826 --> 00:46:05,852 Hey, she's referring to me. 462 00:46:06,029 --> 00:46:09,760 I was talking about your mother. 463 00:46:10,901 --> 00:46:13,893 That's no way to be walking around. Get clothes on. 464 00:46:14,071 --> 00:46:17,598 And what are you doing in my bathing suit? 465 00:46:17,775 --> 00:46:23,407 - Hey, who's the stud? - Meet our newest gang member. 466 00:46:23,580 --> 00:46:26,481 Slasher Magirk, meet Tanya Peters. 467 00:46:26,650 --> 00:46:29,642 Don't I know you from somewhere? 468 00:46:29,820 --> 00:46:32,948 I smelt cop the minute I saw him. 469 00:46:33,123 --> 00:46:35,956 I get that all the time. The underwear ads. 470 00:46:36,760 --> 00:46:39,786 Are you saying you're not a cop? 471 00:46:39,963 --> 00:46:41,954 Well, yeah. 472 00:46:42,132 --> 00:46:44,600 - That's good enough for me. - I'm fine. 473 00:46:44,768 --> 00:46:46,827 I'm glad that's all cleared up. 474 00:46:47,504 --> 00:46:50,962 Ma, why don't you two kiss and make up? 475 00:46:51,141 --> 00:46:53,132 Well, all right. 476 00:47:03,720 --> 00:47:05,654 That's more like it. 477 00:47:27,244 --> 00:47:29,303 I had to get a message to the squad. 478 00:47:29,479 --> 00:47:32,414 This was more than I could handle by myself. 479 00:47:32,583 --> 00:47:37,782 No phone and miles from people, I was worse off than a gerbil in a bath house. 480 00:47:37,955 --> 00:47:39,479 Who's there? 481 00:47:40,891 --> 00:47:44,224 Slasher, have you seen my pigeon? 482 00:47:45,596 --> 00:47:47,655 Pigeon? What pigeon? 483 00:47:48,365 --> 00:47:51,892 - What are you doing? - I'm just... 484 00:47:52,069 --> 00:47:54,435 ...contemplating my next move. 485 00:47:54,605 --> 00:47:56,903 Your bishop is exposed. 486 00:47:57,074 --> 00:48:00,908 It's these pants. I usually wear a fuller cut. 487 00:48:01,078 --> 00:48:04,047 You're all man. I like that in my men. 488 00:48:04,214 --> 00:48:08,048 You're coming on to me big time, purring like a kitten with a mouse. 489 00:48:08,218 --> 00:48:10,345 - But we got a problem. - You're Jewish? 490 00:48:10,520 --> 00:48:13,250 No. You're Rocco's girl. 491 00:48:13,423 --> 00:48:17,826 In my book that chapter is called "Look, But Don't Touch". 492 00:48:19,563 --> 00:48:21,588 I could have two lovers. 493 00:48:23,400 --> 00:48:26,927 Kinky. But I like my sex the way I play basketball, 494 00:48:27,104 --> 00:48:31,063 one on one and with as little dribbling as possible. 495 00:48:38,115 --> 00:48:41,551 You're tense, Slasher. 496 00:48:41,718 --> 00:48:45,154 I could relax more, if I knew what was on tomorrow. 497 00:48:45,322 --> 00:48:48,416 Do you know anything about that? 498 00:48:48,592 --> 00:48:53,825 All I know is that it's downtown and... big. 499 00:48:53,997 --> 00:48:58,593 That's the way I like it. What else? 500 00:48:58,769 --> 00:49:00,862 Just this... 501 00:49:04,174 --> 00:49:07,302 - What are you doing? - Thank you for the advice. 502 00:49:07,477 --> 00:49:11,174 - I'll try that recipe out, Ms Peters. - How could you? 503 00:49:11,348 --> 00:49:13,680 You shove your tongue as far down as you can. 504 00:49:16,520 --> 00:49:18,920 Quiet. You're not supposed to know me here. 505 00:49:19,089 --> 00:49:21,080 That's a goodbye kiss, sister. 506 00:49:21,258 --> 00:49:25,854 - What's this? Who's the skirt? - Just some dizzy dame. 507 00:49:26,029 --> 00:49:28,259 Her car broke down. I'll take her to the bus. 508 00:49:28,432 --> 00:49:31,890 Look, she's married. What if her husband comes here? 509 00:49:32,069 --> 00:49:35,038 - He will. He must be great. - He breaks promises. 510 00:49:35,205 --> 00:49:38,333 And you traipse all over to spite a wonderful guy. 511 00:49:38,508 --> 00:49:40,476 - He left me. - You left him. 512 00:49:40,644 --> 00:49:43,807 - You should talk! - Listen to you. 513 00:49:43,981 --> 00:49:46,779 - Listen to you! - Listen to you! 514 00:49:46,950 --> 00:49:50,147 You two, knock it off! You'd think you were married. 515 00:49:50,320 --> 00:49:53,551 - What do you want to do with her? - One thing is for sure... 516 00:49:53,724 --> 00:49:57,285 ...there's no room for her here. - I say we bump her off. 517 00:49:57,461 --> 00:50:01,329 - Let's plug her. - No. I was on a job that went hooey. 518 00:50:01,498 --> 00:50:05,992 I'd have given my eyeteeth for a hostage. Women make the best ones. 519 00:50:06,169 --> 00:50:09,969 They are smaller, easy to take along, eat less, smell nice. 520 00:50:10,140 --> 00:50:14,736 Yeah, we got us an insurance policy. Good thinking, kid. 521 00:50:14,911 --> 00:50:19,848 Come on, let's get some shut-eye. We got a big day ahead of us. 522 00:50:25,055 --> 00:50:28,286 It's rigged. Keep your eye on the tower. 523 00:50:28,458 --> 00:50:33,987 - It's what's going to happen tonight. - Aren't we awfully far away? 524 00:50:35,365 --> 00:50:40,598 On the top of that tower is a device that's going to net us five million bucks. 525 00:50:40,771 --> 00:50:43,763 A thing I've been working on. We'll detonate it this evening 526 00:50:43,940 --> 00:50:46,374 at an event the whole world will be watching. 527 00:50:46,543 --> 00:50:50,070 - Your crowning achievement. - It's for both of us, Ma. 528 00:50:50,247 --> 00:50:52,772 - All set? - Set. 529 00:51:15,172 --> 00:51:18,573 Very impressive. 530 00:51:18,742 --> 00:51:20,369 Cool. 531 00:51:21,445 --> 00:51:22,912 Cool. 532 00:51:27,484 --> 00:51:31,147 America will be brought to its knees by this terrorist act. 533 00:51:31,321 --> 00:51:35,189 It'll be more embarrassing to the US than Tonya Harding. 534 00:51:35,358 --> 00:51:38,816 We're there. Give my regards to Mrs. Gaddafi. 535 00:51:38,995 --> 00:51:42,158 And tell her thanks for the cookies. 536 00:51:44,434 --> 00:51:46,493 It's another beautiful night in LA, 537 00:51:46,670 --> 00:51:51,437 and the stars are shining bright for the 66th annual Academy Awards. 538 00:51:51,608 --> 00:51:54,736 Fans are clamoring to see their favorite celebrities. 539 00:51:54,911 --> 00:51:58,642 Here are two, "Weird Al" Yankovic and Vanna White. 540 00:52:09,893 --> 00:52:11,952 Slasher, put the dame in the trunk. 541 00:52:12,129 --> 00:52:16,088 I'll meet you and Ma around the back in ten minutes. 542 00:52:16,266 --> 00:52:18,700 Got the passes? 543 00:52:18,869 --> 00:52:22,327 - We pull this up, it's 5 million big ones. - Not bad, Ma. 544 00:52:22,506 --> 00:52:25,566 - What's going to happen to me? - I have an idea. 545 00:52:25,742 --> 00:52:28,370 - Slasher, you know what to do. - Right. 546 00:52:28,545 --> 00:52:30,945 Check the spare tire and all fluid levels. 547 00:52:31,114 --> 00:52:35,448 No, keep an eye on the dame. We hit trouble, she's a bullet shield. 548 00:52:39,623 --> 00:52:44,026 Ladies and gentlemen, to present the Academy's Lifetime Achievement... 549 00:52:44,194 --> 00:52:49,791 Ready, 3. Roll tape. Go to clip. Aspirin, please. Go to 3. Ready, 4. 550 00:52:51,735 --> 00:52:57,674 This year's Lifetime Achievement Award winner's credits include great films. 551 00:52:57,841 --> 00:53:01,743 "Sandals and Loincloth", 1958. 552 00:53:01,912 --> 00:53:04,540 "Sweaty Boatmen", 1959. 553 00:53:04,714 --> 00:53:07,080 "The Leather Clad Centurion", 1960, 554 00:53:07,250 --> 00:53:12,916 and his first color feature in 1966, "Big Shiny Spears". 555 00:53:18,828 --> 00:53:21,991 There's the man from Bryce/Porterhouse. 556 00:53:22,165 --> 00:53:27,228 He guards the envelopes until they're handed out. He won't budge from there. 557 00:53:27,404 --> 00:53:30,840 Distract him so I can plant the bomb in an envelope. 558 00:53:31,007 --> 00:53:35,205 Accepting the award for Mr. Bronkowitz is Margaret Red Feather. 559 00:53:52,929 --> 00:53:55,193 That ought to do it. 560 00:53:55,365 --> 00:53:59,096 You'll pay for this. Rocco'll kill you whoever you are. 561 00:53:59,269 --> 00:54:02,864 - Frank Drebin, Police Squad. - Isn't that a little unusual? 562 00:54:03,039 --> 00:54:06,941 - It happened to me. Here's the plan. - You'll never stop Rocco. 563 00:54:07,110 --> 00:54:10,307 - Your chances are one in a million. - Better than any state lottery. 564 00:54:10,480 --> 00:54:15,383 I'm the good guy. I can't let the bad guys win. Our children can't be raised in fear. 565 00:54:15,552 --> 00:54:19,852 If we can't stop them, they'll blow that place up. It'll be a tragedy, 566 00:54:20,023 --> 00:54:23,550 unless it happens during a dance number. Come on. 567 00:54:40,677 --> 00:54:43,145 Does that radio work? 568 00:54:48,051 --> 00:54:51,748 Call Police Squad. Tell them Frank Drebin... 569 00:54:57,861 --> 00:55:00,022 Forget it. 570 00:55:00,196 --> 00:55:03,290 I wonder what the devil he wanted? 571 00:55:08,672 --> 00:55:11,698 - Hold on. - Sergeant Frank Drebin, Police Squad. 572 00:55:11,875 --> 00:55:15,606 - Yeah, and I'm Robert De Niro. - Mr. De Niro, we've got to get inside. 573 00:55:15,779 --> 00:55:20,409 You and 10,000 other people. Move along. Movie stars only. 574 00:55:20,583 --> 00:55:23,609 Come on. I've got a better idea. 575 00:55:23,787 --> 00:55:25,379 And cue talent. 576 00:55:25,555 --> 00:55:28,353 To present the award for Best Supporting Actress... 577 00:55:28,892 --> 00:55:31,884 ... Mariel Hemingway and Elliot Gould. 578 00:55:41,771 --> 00:55:43,033 Thank you. 579 00:55:43,206 --> 00:55:46,198 The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are: 580 00:55:46,376 --> 00:55:48,674 Mary Lou Retton, "Fatal Affair", 581 00:55:48,845 --> 00:55:52,144 one woman's ordeal to overcome the death of her cat, 582 00:55:52,315 --> 00:55:55,011 set against the background of the Hindenburg disaster. 583 00:56:01,091 --> 00:56:03,651 Morgan Fairchild, "Final Proposal", 584 00:56:03,827 --> 00:56:08,025 one courageous pioneer woman's triumphant victory over bulimia, 585 00:56:08,198 --> 00:56:10,860 set against the background of the Donner Party Crossing. 586 00:56:29,052 --> 00:56:31,520 Sorry, but this is official police business. 587 00:56:34,791 --> 00:56:37,021 Shannen Doherty, "Basic Analysis", 588 00:56:37,193 --> 00:56:39,593 one woman's triumph over a yeast infection, 589 00:56:39,763 --> 00:56:43,859 set against the background of the tragic Buffalo Bill season of 1991. 590 00:56:54,277 --> 00:56:56,404 Thank you, sheriff. 591 00:56:56,579 --> 00:56:59,275 Still no word of Frank or Rocco's gang. 592 00:56:59,449 --> 00:57:01,815 I'm worried. He should've phoned in. 593 00:57:13,997 --> 00:57:18,127 Let me check your tickets. Lovely gown. Is that Cool Whip? 594 00:57:18,301 --> 00:57:22,499 All right, Tim and Erica Brown. OK, enjoy the show. 595 00:57:23,173 --> 00:57:26,734 Let's see. Vanna White and "Weird Al" Yankovic. 596 00:57:26,910 --> 00:57:28,036 OK! 597 00:57:29,612 --> 00:57:30,977 Ready, 3... and 3. 598 00:57:31,147 --> 00:57:34,082 And Florence Henderson, "Analysis of a Proposal"... 599 00:57:35,285 --> 00:57:38,482 - Rocco could be anywhere. - He's had time to plant the bomb. 600 00:57:38,655 --> 00:57:41,818 - And the winner is... - This is going to be dynamite. 601 00:57:41,991 --> 00:57:44,459 - Jane. - Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 602 00:57:44,627 --> 00:57:47,755 Yes. Florence Henderson'll win. It's about time. 603 00:57:47,931 --> 00:57:51,697 - No, the bomb is in an envelope. - You're right! 604 00:57:51,868 --> 00:57:54,132 And the winner is... 605 00:57:55,371 --> 00:57:57,703 ...Mary Lou Retton for "Fatal Affair". 606 00:58:01,144 --> 00:58:04,136 I'm sorry, we were rooting for Florence Henderson. 607 00:58:04,314 --> 00:58:07,147 We've got to get to the envelopes. 608 00:58:16,459 --> 00:58:19,951 - So many. - They added 75 categories. 609 00:58:20,129 --> 00:58:22,495 "Best Actor in a Columbus movie"? 610 00:58:22,665 --> 00:58:27,068 Best Director is presented by star of stage and screen Raquel Welch 611 00:58:27,237 --> 00:58:30,900 and host of his own award-winning talk show Phil Donahue. 612 00:58:31,074 --> 00:58:34,874 That might be the envelope for the bomb. Keep looking here. 613 00:58:35,044 --> 00:58:37,911 One more second, Mr. Donahue. 614 00:58:53,229 --> 00:58:56,494 Oh, my God! Look at Donahue. 615 00:59:03,406 --> 00:59:06,239 Stop the stairs, Joey. Joey! 616 00:59:08,545 --> 00:59:12,572 Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, it's my pleasure to present the... 617 00:59:18,521 --> 00:59:19,749 What the hell?! 618 00:59:22,525 --> 00:59:24,959 - Jesus! - Go to commercial. 619 00:59:25,128 --> 00:59:28,996 Easy now. Talk to me. What happened, Ma? 620 00:59:29,165 --> 00:59:32,430 Slasher is Frank Drebin of Police Squad. 621 00:59:32,602 --> 00:59:38,336 Lousy, two-bit copper! I treated him like my brother... the one I didn't kill. 622 00:59:38,508 --> 00:59:42,376 - He might find the bomb. - Not if I find him first. 623 00:59:43,446 --> 00:59:48,110 - Back from commercial in 5 seconds. - Hurry up with the mike. Cue Donahue. 624 00:59:51,421 --> 00:59:53,389 Read it. Read the card, moron. 625 00:59:56,993 --> 01:00:01,054 "Well, Raquel, this certainly is a special evening. Phew!" 626 01:00:01,230 --> 01:00:04,028 "I can barely catch my breath. Turn it over to Raquel." 627 01:00:04,200 --> 01:00:07,533 "Raquel: I'm used to being out of breath, working out to my..." 628 01:00:07,704 --> 01:00:09,069 What's he doing?! 629 01:00:09,238 --> 01:00:13,937 "Hold for laughter. To Phil. Gets me out of breath just watching you." 630 01:00:14,110 --> 01:00:17,443 - "To Raquel. Oh, Phil..." - I'm supposed to read that. 631 01:00:17,614 --> 01:00:21,380 "Let's get to the subject at hand. Pick up the envelope..." 632 01:00:21,551 --> 01:00:26,420 The nominees for best director are: Sir Richard Attenborough 633 01:00:26,589 --> 01:00:31,185 for his musical based on the life of Mother Teresa, "Mother". 634 01:00:31,361 --> 01:00:33,727 Food, I love food and I'm really in the mood 635 01:00:33,896 --> 01:00:37,388 for a big corn dog of pooh-pooh platter two ding-dongs, it doesn't matter 636 01:00:37,567 --> 01:00:40,502 and some tuna helper, I'll be racing back for more 637 01:00:40,670 --> 01:00:44,299 But don't get any sausage 'cause I'll blow chunks on the floor 638 01:00:52,882 --> 01:00:56,340 Spike Lee, "X II - The Merchandising" 639 01:00:56,953 --> 01:01:00,946 Nordberg, look. That's Frank at the Academy Awards. 640 01:01:01,124 --> 01:01:03,422 How did he get tickets? 641 01:01:03,593 --> 01:01:09,190 That's where Rocco Dillon is going to strike next, the Academy Awards. 642 01:01:09,365 --> 01:01:12,801 - We have to get there. - We're not invited. We're cops. 643 01:01:14,837 --> 01:01:19,467 - It's for you. - Nordberg, Police Squad. 644 01:01:19,642 --> 01:01:22,805 Hello. Hello. 645 01:01:22,979 --> 01:01:26,107 Henderson, see about this phone. I think it's broke. 646 01:01:28,017 --> 01:01:30,986 And now, here are today's lucky lotto numbers. 647 01:01:31,154 --> 01:01:37,650 Get your tickets ready because here they come: 12, 22, 18 and 9. 648 01:01:37,827 --> 01:01:42,230 And for his tale of genetics gone haywire in a retirement community, 649 01:01:42,398 --> 01:01:45,834 Steven Spielberg, "Geriatric Park". 650 01:02:05,755 --> 01:02:08,986 And the winner is... 651 01:02:10,760 --> 01:02:12,887 - Raquel, just a second. - Now what? 652 01:02:13,062 --> 01:02:15,394 - I just had a thought. - Oh, Christ. 653 01:02:15,565 --> 01:02:18,591 This show is being seen all over the world, I was thinking 654 01:02:18,768 --> 01:02:21,931 if we could all send good thoughts through these cameras 655 01:02:22,105 --> 01:02:26,940 to men like the leader of China, Wing Wa Woo Tong, 656 01:02:27,110 --> 01:02:30,568 so that they might finally be nice. 657 01:02:30,747 --> 01:02:32,840 Thank you. 658 01:02:34,350 --> 01:02:36,614 And the winner is... 659 01:02:36,786 --> 01:02:42,725 Raquel, so many go to bed hungry in this nation, yet cat food is full of tuna. 660 01:02:42,892 --> 01:02:48,330 Each time I go to the zoo and see those porpoises crammed into tiny tanks, 661 01:02:48,498 --> 01:02:51,296 I think, "What a waste that is." 662 01:02:51,467 --> 01:02:56,700 Butcher half of them now! That's a lot of dolphin meat that can be fed to our cats, 663 01:02:56,873 --> 01:03:00,365 freeing up that tuna for our nation's hungry. 664 01:03:05,915 --> 01:03:09,976 - And the winner is... - So many are cold, 665 01:03:10,153 --> 01:03:15,682 shivering in the night. So I say, "Take those cats, skin them." 666 01:03:15,858 --> 01:03:20,921 - "Use their fur to keep hundreds warm." - Jesus, Phil. 667 01:03:21,097 --> 01:03:23,895 And the winner is... 668 01:03:32,375 --> 01:03:34,240 - You! - Give me that! 669 01:03:42,285 --> 01:03:46,244 - Not one move. - That barrel's cold. 670 01:03:48,090 --> 01:03:50,957 It's OK. It's not the bomb. 671 01:03:59,569 --> 01:04:03,528 - Jane. Jane! - Big trouble! 672 01:04:05,975 --> 01:04:07,840 Jane. 673 01:04:10,279 --> 01:04:14,272 Silver hair. Kind of looked like Phil Donahue. 674 01:04:15,218 --> 01:04:17,118 That's the guy! 675 01:04:20,056 --> 01:04:24,857 Please welcome internationally renowned actress and singing star 676 01:04:25,027 --> 01:04:27,291 Pia Zadora. 677 01:04:33,269 --> 01:04:37,797 - Excuse me, is that snot on your shoe? - Snot? Where? 678 01:04:46,382 --> 01:04:49,215 Oh, no. Not him again. Please, God. 679 01:05:48,144 --> 01:05:49,736 Get off the stage! 680 01:06:00,156 --> 01:06:03,023 Ed Hocken and Nordberg from Police Squad. 681 01:06:03,192 --> 01:06:06,559 - We're here to prevent a disaster. - Too late for that. 682 01:06:13,235 --> 01:06:14,634 It's Frank. 683 01:06:30,086 --> 01:06:32,816 Come on, Nordberg. We've got to get to Frank. 684 01:07:03,719 --> 01:07:05,016 Jane! 685 01:07:10,159 --> 01:07:11,956 Jane! 686 01:07:12,828 --> 01:07:17,788 I knew I'd bump into you somewhere. I want answers, cherry cakes. 687 01:07:17,967 --> 01:07:19,628 - I love you. - Wrong answer. 688 01:07:19,802 --> 01:07:22,293 I quit the Sap-of-the-Month Club long ago. 689 01:07:22,471 --> 01:07:25,201 Angel drawers, you've got one last chance. 690 01:07:25,374 --> 01:07:29,367 Not one of those Major-League- Baseball-Steve-Howe last chances. 691 01:07:29,545 --> 01:07:32,241 - Where is Jane? - I swear I don't know. 692 01:07:32,415 --> 01:07:35,350 - Where is the bomb? - In the Best Picture envelope. 693 01:07:35,518 --> 01:07:39,318 Oh, Mr. Drebin, I want to go straight. 694 01:07:39,488 --> 01:07:45,051 I'm tired of the lies. Oh, kiss me. Please, kiss me. 695 01:07:45,227 --> 01:07:49,687 I've never kissed lips so innocent, so pure. 696 01:08:10,052 --> 01:08:14,512 He looked like Phil Donahue. White hair. That's the guy. 697 01:08:16,525 --> 01:08:21,326 To present the Best Picture Award are two very distinguished actors. 698 01:08:21,497 --> 01:08:24,466 Olympia Dukakis and James Earl Jones. 699 01:08:33,042 --> 01:08:37,411 - Oh, Lord. What's that? - Phil Donahue throwing up in a tuba. 700 01:08:37,580 --> 01:08:41,539 Make a note about not having Phil Donahue back next year. 701 01:08:41,717 --> 01:08:43,878 Thank you. Good evening. 702 01:08:44,053 --> 01:08:48,149 It's a privilege to present the final award of tonight's ceremony. 703 01:08:48,824 --> 01:08:52,419 We've been worried about you. Where's Rocco and Tanya? 704 01:08:52,595 --> 01:08:55,758 - Sit down. Take it easy. - Thank God you're all right. 705 01:08:55,931 --> 01:09:00,493 "Indecent Instincts" and "Sawdust and Mildew". 706 01:09:00,669 --> 01:09:04,935 Oddly enough, all these movies are box office hits, except one. 707 01:09:05,107 --> 01:09:09,271 - What's that? - It's the Best Picture Award. 708 01:09:09,445 --> 01:09:11,436 Olympia, would you do the honors? 709 01:09:11,614 --> 01:09:14,344 Oh, my God. That's the one! 710 01:09:14,517 --> 01:09:18,248 The award for this year's best picture goes to... 711 01:09:18,420 --> 01:09:20,684 - Wait! - Oh, great. 712 01:09:20,856 --> 01:09:25,987 Sorry. Loved you in "Coneheads". You, too. Let me open this. 713 01:09:29,999 --> 01:09:32,593 It's the bomb! 714 01:09:42,378 --> 01:09:45,245 Freeze, and nobody gets hurt! 715 01:09:46,448 --> 01:09:48,882 Well, from now on. 716 01:09:49,051 --> 01:09:53,852 Take your seats, the party's over! This programme's been stopped. 717 01:09:54,023 --> 01:09:57,686 OK, don't panic. Camera 2, move in on the old lady. 718 01:09:57,860 --> 01:09:59,828 Better move back, 2. 719 01:09:59,995 --> 01:10:03,431 - I said, "Nobody moves." - Sit down and pay attention! 720 01:10:03,599 --> 01:10:06,693 I don't want to kill anybody unless I have to. 721 01:10:07,336 --> 01:10:09,668 Drop your guns and kick them over here. 722 01:10:14,210 --> 01:10:18,078 I believe that bomb belongs to me. Hand it over, Drebin. 723 01:10:18,247 --> 01:10:20,909 You want to do the honors of killing him, Ma? 724 01:10:21,517 --> 01:10:24,315 Blink, and I start shooting. 725 01:10:29,959 --> 01:10:31,893 Give me that gun. 726 01:10:32,828 --> 01:10:36,525 - Oh, my God! - I'm not falling for that one, sister. 727 01:10:51,814 --> 01:10:54,044 - Ma! - She's a goner, Rocco. 728 01:10:54,216 --> 01:10:58,880 Dead? Then that's it. I'm coming with you, Ma! 729 01:11:00,522 --> 01:11:04,891 - Pull out the bomb, or I'll shoot her. - All right, Rocco. All right. 730 01:11:05,060 --> 01:11:08,552 I'll do what you say. Just don't harm her. 731 01:11:08,731 --> 01:11:11,791 You pull out the bomb, you'll kill me and everyone else. 732 01:11:11,967 --> 01:11:14,367 - No dice, Rocco. - Then I'll plug her. 733 01:11:14,536 --> 01:11:18,097 - If you do, I'll empty this envelope. - Frank, think about it. 734 01:11:18,274 --> 01:11:23,439 - It's all right, you'll be dead. - You'll kill yourself and everyone here. 735 01:11:23,612 --> 01:11:26,809 - Yeah. - I'll shoot you if you don't do as I say. 736 01:11:26,982 --> 01:11:30,941 - Jane? - I'd be safe. So would everyone else. 737 01:11:31,120 --> 01:11:34,715 - But you'd be dead. - This is getting a little complicated. 738 01:11:34,890 --> 01:11:40,260 Let's be logical. You're the psycho, you should have this and I the gun. 739 01:11:40,429 --> 01:11:42,989 I know what I'm doing. 740 01:11:48,771 --> 01:11:50,329 All right. 741 01:11:52,608 --> 01:11:55,771 Here's your Best Picture, in front of a worldwide audience. 742 01:11:55,944 --> 01:12:01,314 - This place is going up. - If I'm going out, I'm going out happy. 743 01:12:01,483 --> 01:12:04,611 Wait, Rocco, before we're all blown to bits. 744 01:12:04,787 --> 01:12:09,019 Mind if I pull the underwear out of my crack? A man's got to go comfortable. 745 01:12:09,191 --> 01:12:12,354 All right, but that's it. 746 01:12:13,829 --> 01:12:17,458 - Give it up, Rocco, you're history! - Look, George Hamilton! 747 01:12:21,070 --> 01:12:23,470 Come and get me. 748 01:12:26,008 --> 01:12:28,476 Throw me a gun. Get rid of the bomb. 749 01:12:28,644 --> 01:12:29,941 Hold on. 750 01:12:32,114 --> 01:12:34,309 Frank, help me! 751 01:12:34,483 --> 01:12:36,542 - Frank! - I know what I'm doing. 752 01:12:39,955 --> 01:12:42,287 I hate heights. 753 01:12:45,627 --> 01:12:46,889 Move it. 754 01:12:49,031 --> 01:12:50,896 Screw the commercials! 755 01:12:51,066 --> 01:12:55,662 All right, copper. You killed my ma. I'm taking the dame away from you. 756 01:12:56,672 --> 01:13:00,631 You hear me, copper? One push and Mrs. Drebin is linoleum. 757 01:13:00,809 --> 01:13:03,801 Get a camera up there. This could be my best work! 758 01:13:03,979 --> 01:13:09,144 - Any last words before I throw you off? - Yes, don't do it. 759 01:13:09,318 --> 01:13:12,685 - Anything else? - Frank, I love you. 760 01:13:12,855 --> 01:13:15,688 I want the world to know you're the perfect man. 761 01:13:15,858 --> 01:13:19,658 - Frank, I hope you can hear me. - They told me I couldn't do drama. 762 01:13:19,828 --> 01:13:23,594 I was wrong to take you away from Police Squad. 763 01:13:23,766 --> 01:13:28,533 I know now that's why you couldn't perform sexually. 764 01:13:28,704 --> 01:13:31,605 I realize that and a lot of other things now. 765 01:13:31,774 --> 01:13:33,935 Everything's under control. 766 01:13:34,109 --> 01:13:37,738 Nobody moves! Any vibration might set this thing off. 767 01:13:39,415 --> 01:13:41,679 Frank, I've learned my lesson. 768 01:13:41,850 --> 01:13:47,345 Even though it may be too late for me, I want all ladies out there to remember: 769 01:13:47,523 --> 01:13:50,048 Don't ever take your men for granted. 770 01:13:50,225 --> 01:13:53,194 Good men don't just fall out of the sky. 771 01:13:58,267 --> 01:14:01,532 He's caught up in the cable. Frank, do something. 772 01:14:02,971 --> 01:14:04,302 Hurry. 773 01:14:12,481 --> 01:14:13,914 I'm coming, Ma! 774 01:14:18,253 --> 01:14:21,814 - Rocco? - Pahpshmir? 775 01:14:34,970 --> 01:14:38,167 Jane, I never want us to be apart again. 776 01:14:38,340 --> 01:14:43,403 Oh, Frank, you like me, you really like me. 777 01:15:02,998 --> 01:15:05,865 - Frank, slow down. - Hurry up, we're late! 778 01:15:06,034 --> 01:15:09,128 - Relax. Did you bring the camcorder? - Right here. 779 01:15:09,304 --> 01:15:12,796 - What room is she in? - Delivery room. This must be it. 780 01:15:14,176 --> 01:15:16,610 Jane, I'm here. Frank is here now. 781 01:15:16,778 --> 01:15:20,270 - Push! Bear down now. - Breathe, honey. 782 01:15:20,449 --> 01:15:25,751 One more push. That's it. Congratulations, Dad. It's a boy. 783 01:15:29,525 --> 01:15:32,085 Nordberg! Come back here! 784 01:15:32,261 --> 01:15:35,856 - Frank, it's a boy. - I know! 785 01:15:41,000 --> 01:15:44,000 " ThE EnD "