7 00:02:43,208 --> 00:02:46,999 Mary Dinkle's eyes were the colour of muddy puddles. 8 00:02:47,083 --> 00:02:49,540 Her birthmark, the colour of poo. 9 00:03:03,833 --> 00:03:08,374 It was Saturday afternoon and she was bored. 10 00:03:08,375 --> 00:03:12,540 Mary wished she had a friend to play piggybacks with. 11 00:03:24,958 --> 00:03:29,624 Mary's mood ring, which she'd found in a cereal box, was grey 12 00:03:29,708 --> 00:03:31,999 which, according to the chart, 13 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:39,207 meant she was either pensive, unconsciously ambitious or hungry. 14 00:03:39,250 --> 00:03:43,374 Her only friends were 'The Noblets' from her favourite cartoon. 15 00:03:43,375 --> 00:03:46,832 They weren't the real ones you bought in the shops 16 00:03:46,833 --> 00:03:51,249 but fake ones she had to make herself from shells, gumnuts, pompoms 17 00:03:51,250 --> 00:03:56,374 and the chicken bones salvaged from Friday night's takeaway. 18 00:03:56,375 --> 00:04:00,540 She had to make all her own toys, and her favourites were Shrinkies... 19 00:04:00,541 --> 00:04:04,915 potato chip packets that she had shrunk in the oven. 20 00:04:08,791 --> 00:04:12,082 Mary's father, Noel Norman Dinkle, 21 00:04:12,083 --> 00:04:15,499 worked in a factory, attaching the strings to tea bags. 22 00:04:17,125 --> 00:04:19,540 At show and tell, she told the class 23 00:04:19,541 --> 00:04:24,874 he could get as many free tea bags as he wanted. 24 00:04:24,875 --> 00:04:28,790 Her favourite tea bag was Earl Grey. 25 00:04:28,791 --> 00:04:33,124 She loved saying 'Earl Grey' 26 00:04:33,125 --> 00:04:38,499 and would like one day to marry someone called Earl Grey. 27 00:04:40,166 --> 00:04:42,124 They would live in a castle in Scotland, 28 00:04:42,208 --> 00:04:44,790 have 9 babies, 2 ducks... 29 00:04:44,791 --> 00:04:46,665 ...and a dog called Kevin. 30 00:04:49,166 --> 00:04:52,999 Noel's hobby was to sit in his shed and drink Baileys Irish Cream 31 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:58,249 and stuff birds he'd found on the side of the freeway. 32 00:04:58,250 --> 00:05:05,124 Mary wished he'd spend more time with her and less with his dead friends. 33 00:05:05,125 --> 00:05:08,957 She also wished she had some brothers and sisters. 34 00:05:08,958 --> 00:05:12,540 Her mother had told her she was 'an accident'. 35 00:05:12,583 --> 00:05:16,540 How could someone be an accident? 36 00:05:16,541 --> 00:05:20,749 Grandpoppy Ralph had told her that babies were deliberate 37 00:05:20,750 --> 00:05:24,249 and found by dads at the bottom of their beer. 38 00:05:26,250 --> 00:05:29,540 Grandpoppy Ralph had smelt like pickled onions 39 00:05:29,541 --> 00:05:34,832 and had been a member of the Frankston Ice Breakers for 51 years. 40 00:05:36,958 --> 00:05:40,249 They swam in winter to feel alive. 41 00:05:40,250 --> 00:05:46,540 Grandpoppy Ralph had said it made his nipples erect. 42 00:05:46,541 --> 00:05:49,249 He had died the year before, aged 74, 43 00:05:49,250 --> 00:05:54,790 and his best mate, Ken, had recited a poem in his honour. 44 00:05:54,791 --> 00:05:58,290 Born in a barn in the hills of Boronia, 45 00:05:58,291 --> 00:06:00,124 Ralph lived a long life, 46 00:06:00,125 --> 00:06:03,790 then died of pneumonia. 47 00:06:03,791 --> 00:06:04,790 Mary missed him 48 00:06:04,833 --> 00:06:09,540 and often wondered why he had drunk ammonia. 49 00:06:09,541 --> 00:06:12,540 A lot of things puzzled Mary 50 00:06:12,541 --> 00:06:16,957 especially her mother, Vera Lorraine Dinkle. 51 00:06:17,791 --> 00:06:22,082 To Mary, Vera always seemed wobbly. 52 00:06:22,083 --> 00:06:25,082 A pretty vicious ball. And he's out! 53 00:06:25,333 --> 00:06:29,332 Vera liked listening to the cricket while baking 54 00:06:29,416 --> 00:06:33,540 and her main ingredient was always sherry. 55 00:06:33,541 --> 00:06:36,749 3/44. And Thompson 2/15... 56 00:06:36,750 --> 00:06:39,749 She told Mary it was a type of tea for grown-ups 57 00:06:39,750 --> 00:06:42,749 that needed constant testing. 58 00:06:42,750 --> 00:06:46,624 Just out of the reach of the lead. 6/96 England. 59 00:06:51,583 --> 00:06:56,249 Mary thought her mother tested the sherry... way too much. 60 00:06:58,791 --> 00:07:04,540 Mary also couldn't understand why Vera was always 'borrowing'. 61 00:07:04,541 --> 00:07:09,665 Yesterday, she borrowed some fish fingers from Aisle 6. 62 00:07:09,666 --> 00:07:13,957 She told Mary she put things up her dress to save on plastic bags. 63 00:07:16,916 --> 00:07:21,415 Vera was indeed a complicated soul. 64 00:07:33,875 --> 00:07:35,207 Mary stopped daydreaming 65 00:07:35,250 --> 00:07:38,082 and went and fetched her pet rooster from the rain. 66 00:07:41,166 --> 00:07:44,582 Her father had found the rooster on the side of the freeway 67 00:07:44,583 --> 00:07:48,790 after it had fallen off the back of a slaughter truck. 68 00:07:48,791 --> 00:07:50,915 She named him Ethel. 69 00:07:54,750 --> 00:07:59,082 It was time to watch 'The Noblets'. She adored 'The Noblets' 70 00:07:59,166 --> 00:08:03,165 because everyone was brown, lived in a teapot 71 00:08:03,208 --> 00:08:06,957 and had oodles of friends. 72 00:08:06,958 --> 00:08:09,832 There was nothing nicer, Mary thought to herself, 73 00:08:09,833 --> 00:08:12,540 than the smell of a wet rooster... 74 00:08:12,541 --> 00:08:14,415 ...the sound of rain on the roof 75 00:08:14,458 --> 00:08:18,915 and the taste of sweetened condensed milk straight from the can 76 00:08:18,916 --> 00:08:23,207 while watching your favourite cartoon. 77 00:09:08,375 --> 00:09:13,124 Meanwhile, a man called Max Horowitz also watched 'The Noblets'. 78 00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:20,457 Max's small television had picture but no sound. 79 00:09:20,458 --> 00:09:25,165 His big television, sound but no picture. 80 00:09:25,166 --> 00:09:27,582 He was 44 and liked 'The Noblets' 81 00:09:27,583 --> 00:09:31,457 as they lived in a delineated and articulated social structure 82 00:09:31,458 --> 00:09:34,832 with constant adherent conformity 83 00:09:34,833 --> 00:09:38,790 and also because they had oodles of friends. 84 00:09:41,125 --> 00:09:42,915 Max had trouble sleeping 85 00:09:42,958 --> 00:09:49,249 and had spent the night watching television and catching fish food. 86 00:09:49,291 --> 00:09:53,957 He noted to himself it was the sixth fly he'd caught this evening. 87 00:09:58,166 --> 00:10:01,707 He wondered if he should go to bed and count sheep 88 00:10:01,708 --> 00:10:05,499 or have one more chocolate hotdog. 89 00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:09,957 He thought he'd try both but it didn't work. 90 00:10:09,958 --> 00:10:16,457 It had been 6 hours and 12 minutes since Henry VIII had passed away. 91 00:10:16,458 --> 00:10:19,874 And Henry's death had thrown Max's life into disarray. 92 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:22,999 It had become asymmetrical 93 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:26,749 and the sooner he got a new fish, the better. 94 00:10:29,666 --> 00:10:33,582 Tomorrow he would go to the pet store and get another Henry... 95 00:10:33,583 --> 00:10:35,499 Henry IX. 96 00:10:51,791 --> 00:10:54,665 Next. 97 00:10:54,666 --> 00:10:56,082 It was shopping day 98 00:10:56,083 --> 00:11:03,207 and Mary sat patiently while her mother 'borrowed' some envelopes. 99 00:11:03,250 --> 00:11:05,999 To fill in time, she scanned the room 100 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:08,999 and counted how many things were brown. 101 00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:11,457 There was sticky tape, rubber bands 102 00:11:11,458 --> 00:11:16,040 and a phone book with a picture of a lady standing in a brown lake 103 00:11:16,041 --> 00:11:18,207 with her hand on fire. 104 00:11:19,291 --> 00:11:25,040 People had weird names in America, Mary Daisy Dinkle thought to herself. 105 00:11:25,041 --> 00:11:29,999 Funny-sounding people called Rockefeller and Finkelstein. 106 00:11:30,041 --> 00:11:33,415 She wondered what they looked like, how old they were 107 00:11:33,416 --> 00:11:39,332 and if they were married, wore glasses or had found babies in their beer. 108 00:11:39,375 --> 00:11:42,624 Maybe in the USA they found babies elsewhere. 109 00:11:42,625 --> 00:11:45,332 They drank a lot of cola. 110 00:11:45,333 --> 00:11:48,874 Maybe they found them in cans. 111 00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:51,707 But, no, they wouldn't fit through the hole. 112 00:11:53,125 --> 00:11:56,249 Mary had an idea. 113 00:11:56,250 --> 00:12:02,374 She would write to one of the Americans and ask where babies came from. 114 00:12:02,416 --> 00:12:06,332 She chose a Mr M Horowitz. 115 00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:18,374 Mrs Dinkle! 116 00:12:18,375 --> 00:12:22,915 Come back here, Vera Dinkle! You come back here! 117 00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:28,915 Dear Mr M Horowitz, 118 00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:32,957 my name is Mary Daisy Dinkle 119 00:12:32,958 --> 00:12:38,957 and I am 8 years old, 3 months and 9 days. 120 00:12:39,291 --> 00:12:41,582 My favourite colour is brown 121 00:12:41,583 --> 00:12:45,665 and my favourite food is sweetened condensed milk 122 00:12:45,666 --> 00:12:49,332 followed closely by chocolate. 123 00:12:49,333 --> 00:12:54,332 I have a rooster called Ethel, that looks like this. 124 00:12:54,333 --> 00:12:57,124 He doesn't lay eggs but will one day. 125 00:12:58,625 --> 00:13:02,082 My mother likes smoking, cricket and sherry 126 00:13:02,083 --> 00:13:07,624 and my father likes playing in his shed with dead birds. 127 00:13:07,708 --> 00:13:10,457 Where do babies come from in America? 128 00:13:10,458 --> 00:13:12,582 Do they come from cola cans? 129 00:13:12,583 --> 00:13:17,165 In Australia they are found in beer glasses. 130 00:13:17,166 --> 00:13:18,790 Here is a drawing of me. 131 00:13:18,791 --> 00:13:22,165 I can't draw ears proper but I'm good at teeth. 132 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:27,707 It would be great if you could write back and be my friend. 133 00:13:27,708 --> 00:13:31,749 Yours 'sincerealy', Mary Daisy Dinkle. 134 00:13:32,833 --> 00:13:38,165 PS. I hope you like the chocolate bar I'm also sending. 135 00:13:38,166 --> 00:13:39,957 It's called a Cherry Ripe. 136 00:13:54,875 --> 00:13:57,374 Goodbye, letter. Don't forget to write. 137 00:14:29,750 --> 00:14:32,040 Max hated Thursdays... 138 00:14:32,041 --> 00:14:36,124 the day of his weekly Overeaters Anonymous meeting. 139 00:14:36,166 --> 00:14:39,665 And tonight he'd felt especially unsettled 140 00:14:39,666 --> 00:14:44,290 because he'd eaten two chocolate hotdogs on his way there. 141 00:14:44,291 --> 00:14:45,540 OK, class... 142 00:14:45,541 --> 00:14:49,124 Eating chocolate was breaking the rules. 143 00:14:49,166 --> 00:14:52,124 He'd found the night even more unbearable 144 00:14:52,125 --> 00:14:55,040 because of Marjorie Butterworth's strange glances. 145 00:14:55,041 --> 00:14:56,749 Class dismissed. 146 00:14:56,791 --> 00:15:02,540 Max had trouble understanding non-verbal signals. 147 00:15:02,541 --> 00:15:06,374 Flirting was as foreign to him as jogging. 148 00:15:11,958 --> 00:15:15,790 Max found most people very confusing. 149 00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:18,749 But little did Max realise 150 00:15:18,750 --> 00:15:23,374 his night was about to become even more confusing and cryptic. 151 00:15:30,875 --> 00:15:38,749 He read Mary's letter four times and then did what he normally did 152 00:15:38,791 --> 00:15:42,374 whenever confronted with something new and stressful. 153 00:15:52,875 --> 00:15:59,499 Max's fragile existence had once again become unsettled. 154 00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:03,415 And after staring out of the window for 18 hours 155 00:16:03,416 --> 00:16:05,582 he finally made a decision. 156 00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:30,249 Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle, 157 00:16:30,250 --> 00:16:34,624 thank you for the letter, which I opened and read at 9.17pm 158 00:16:34,625 --> 00:16:39,624 after my Overeaters Anonymous class. 159 00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:41,540 I am trying to lose weight 160 00:16:41,541 --> 00:16:44,957 because my psychiatrist, Dr Bernard Hazelhof, 161 00:16:44,958 --> 00:16:48,624 says a healthy body equals a healthy mind. 162 00:16:50,750 --> 00:16:54,749 He says my mind is not that healthy. 163 00:16:54,791 --> 00:17:00,290 Your drawing is an interesting visual portrayal of yourself. 164 00:17:00,291 --> 00:17:03,332 I have never met anyone from Australia. 165 00:17:03,333 --> 00:17:06,415 Firstly, I will answer your question. 166 00:17:09,333 --> 00:17:14,624 Unfortunately, in America, babies are not found in cola cans. 167 00:17:14,625 --> 00:17:17,457 I asked my mother when I was four 168 00:17:17,458 --> 00:17:22,874 and she said they came from eggs laid by rabbis. 169 00:17:22,916 --> 00:17:26,415 If you aren't Jewish, they're laid by Catholic nuns. 170 00:17:26,416 --> 00:17:31,415 If you're an atheist, they're laid by dirty, lonely prostitutes. 171 00:17:31,416 --> 00:17:35,415 So this is where babies come from in America. 172 00:17:35,416 --> 00:17:37,832 I share my home with a fish, 173 00:17:37,833 --> 00:17:43,665 some snails, whom I have named after famous scientists... 174 00:17:43,666 --> 00:17:48,290 ...a parakeet called Mr Biscuit 175 00:17:48,333 --> 00:17:51,207 and, finally, a cat called Hal. 176 00:17:51,208 --> 00:17:57,915 'Hal' is an abbreviation for halitosis, from which he suffers. 177 00:17:57,916 --> 00:18:00,457 He followed me home after a gang of children 178 00:18:00,458 --> 00:18:02,582 shot his eye out with a beebee gun. 179 00:18:03,833 --> 00:18:06,582 Do you have a pet kangaroo? 180 00:18:06,583 --> 00:18:10,790 When I was born, my father left my mother and me on a kibbutz. 181 00:18:10,791 --> 00:18:14,207 She shot herself with my uncle's gun when I was six. 182 00:18:16,208 --> 00:18:18,040 Do you like chocolate hotdogs? 183 00:18:18,083 --> 00:18:23,207 I invented the recipe for them and can send it to you. 184 00:18:23,208 --> 00:18:29,624 When I was young, I invented an invisible friend called Mr Ravioli. 185 00:18:29,625 --> 00:18:32,832 My psychiatrist says I don't need him anymore 186 00:18:32,833 --> 00:18:36,665 so he just sits in the corner and reads. 187 00:18:40,875 --> 00:18:46,832 Last week I picked up 128 cigarette butts. 188 00:18:46,833 --> 00:18:49,957 People are always littering in New York. 189 00:18:49,958 --> 00:18:54,707 I do not understand why people break laws. 190 00:18:54,708 --> 00:18:57,957 Butts are bad because they wash out to sea 191 00:18:57,958 --> 00:19:03,290 and fish smoke them and become nicotine dependent. 192 00:19:03,291 --> 00:19:06,874 I am just joking because, of course, 193 00:19:06,875 --> 00:19:11,915 it is impossible for a cigarette to remain lit underwater. 194 00:19:11,916 --> 00:19:16,624 Also, fish do not have pockets to keep cigarette lighters in. 195 00:19:21,583 --> 00:19:23,790 I am 44 years old 196 00:19:23,791 --> 00:19:27,457 and have 8 tracksuits the same colour and size. 197 00:19:30,791 --> 00:19:33,207 I weigh 352 lb... 198 00:19:35,291 --> 00:19:37,957 ...and am as tall as a 6-foot tree. 199 00:19:38,041 --> 00:19:40,540 Welcome to the New York Lottery! 200 00:19:40,541 --> 00:19:42,290 I enjoy entering the lottery 201 00:19:42,333 --> 00:19:46,082 and have chosen the same numbers for 9 years. 202 00:19:46,083 --> 00:19:49,165 - Those numbers are 3... - 1. 203 00:19:49,166 --> 00:19:51,249 - 5... - 4. 204 00:19:51,250 --> 00:19:53,290 - 6... - 25. 205 00:19:53,291 --> 00:19:54,957 - 9... - 2. 206 00:19:54,958 --> 00:19:56,499 - 11... - 7. 207 00:19:56,500 --> 00:19:58,790 - And 12. - 8. 208 00:20:00,958 --> 00:20:03,165 Are you a winner? 209 00:20:03,166 --> 00:20:04,957 Or a loser? 210 00:20:04,958 --> 00:20:08,290 I have had many different jobs during my life. 211 00:20:08,291 --> 00:20:14,290 My first job was collecting subway tokens in the subway. 212 00:20:14,291 --> 00:20:17,790 My second job was at Yiddel's Gourmet Kosher Supplies 213 00:20:17,791 --> 00:20:22,540 where I worked at the machine that made pre-packaged noodle kugels. 214 00:20:22,541 --> 00:20:26,290 I was born Jewish and used to believe in God 215 00:20:26,291 --> 00:20:27,957 but I've since read many books 216 00:20:27,958 --> 00:20:32,540 that have proven God is just a figment of my imagination. 217 00:20:32,541 --> 00:20:36,457 People like to believe in God because it answers complicated questions 218 00:20:36,458 --> 00:20:40,040 like where did the universe come from, 219 00:20:40,041 --> 00:20:41,290 do worms go to heaven... 220 00:20:41,291 --> 00:20:42,874 do worms go to heaven... 221 00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:46,040 ..and why do old ladies have blue hair? 222 00:20:46,083 --> 00:20:47,957 Even though I'm an atheist, 223 00:20:47,958 --> 00:20:52,499 I still wear my yarmulke as it keeps my brain warm. 224 00:20:52,500 --> 00:20:58,957 My third job was for a company that printed logos on novelty items. 225 00:20:58,958 --> 00:21:02,374 I worked at the frisbee printing machine. 226 00:21:02,458 --> 00:21:07,957 A frisbee is a circular plastic disc that people throw at each other. 227 00:21:07,958 --> 00:21:09,790 It is like a boomerang 228 00:21:10,541 --> 00:21:13,832 but it does not come back. 229 00:21:14,958 --> 00:21:18,874 My fourth job was when I was called up for jury duty. 230 00:21:18,875 --> 00:21:24,540 I didn't get paid much but got free cookies and coffee. 231 00:21:24,541 --> 00:21:28,165 Jurors are outstanding members of the community 232 00:21:28,208 --> 00:21:31,040 who haven't murdered anybody. 233 00:21:31,041 --> 00:21:32,749 I made it to the short list 234 00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:36,290 for a trial where a man killed all his friends 235 00:21:36,333 --> 00:21:39,415 at his own surprise birthday party. 236 00:21:39,416 --> 00:21:43,249 Unfortunately, I didn't get selected because they found out 237 00:21:43,250 --> 00:21:45,790 I'd been a mental patient at one point. 238 00:21:47,041 --> 00:21:49,790 Have you ever been hang gliding? 239 00:21:49,791 --> 00:21:53,457 My fifth job was as a garbage collector. 240 00:21:53,458 --> 00:21:58,290 I got to clean up after litterbugs and didn't have to talk to anybody. 241 00:21:58,291 --> 00:22:02,040 Sometimes I used to pretend I was an intergalactical robot. 242 00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:16,290 This is 911. Your call has been placed in a queue. 243 00:22:16,291 --> 00:22:19,457 One time the police took me in for questioning 244 00:22:19,458 --> 00:22:23,165 but let me go when they decided I wasn't a threat to anybody 245 00:22:23,166 --> 00:22:25,249 except myself. 246 00:22:27,500 --> 00:22:33,290 The sixth job I had was for the United States Army 247 00:22:33,291 --> 00:22:36,957 in the stationery supply department. 248 00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:38,957 Because I am good with numbers 249 00:22:38,958 --> 00:22:43,290 I had to work out how many ballpoint pens the Army needed. 250 00:22:43,291 --> 00:22:45,582 One day they did a security check 251 00:22:45,583 --> 00:22:49,540 and asked whether I was a member of any radical groups. 252 00:22:49,541 --> 00:22:53,999 I told them I was a member of the New York Science Fiction Fan Club. 253 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:59,082 They said this didn't count but dismissed me anyway. 254 00:22:59,083 --> 00:23:04,540 Fortunately, I did not remember to tell them I was once a communist. 255 00:23:04,541 --> 00:23:07,040 Have you ever been a communist? 256 00:23:07,875 --> 00:23:12,415 Have you ever been attacked by a crow or similar large bird? 257 00:23:12,416 --> 00:23:15,290 When I was 9, a crow attacked me on my way to school. 258 00:23:20,541 --> 00:23:24,040 I had to have three stitches 259 00:23:24,041 --> 00:23:28,374 and in spring I now wear a helmet with eyes I have painted on. 260 00:23:28,416 --> 00:23:31,332 People laugh at me when I wear my helmet. 261 00:23:31,333 --> 00:23:33,665 I'm not sure why. 262 00:23:33,666 --> 00:23:38,457 People often confuse me but I try not to let them worry me. 263 00:23:41,041 --> 00:23:44,457 New York is a very busy and noisy place. 264 00:23:44,458 --> 00:23:47,040 I would prefer to live somewhere much quieter 265 00:23:47,041 --> 00:23:49,499 like the moon. 266 00:23:49,541 --> 00:23:55,749 I don't like crowds, bright lights, sudden noises or strong smells. 267 00:23:55,750 --> 00:23:58,582 New York has all these 268 00:23:58,583 --> 00:24:00,374 especially the smells. 269 00:24:01,666 --> 00:24:05,332 I often wear nose and ear plugs when I go outside. 270 00:24:05,333 --> 00:24:08,665 It helps keep me calm. 271 00:24:08,666 --> 00:24:14,374 I find humans interesting but I have trouble understanding them. 272 00:24:14,416 --> 00:24:19,499 I think, however, I will understand and trust you. 273 00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:25,874 You appear very happy and I think you would smell like a shrimp 274 00:24:25,875 --> 00:24:29,290 as I know Australia has a lot of shrimps. 275 00:24:31,333 --> 00:24:33,082 Can you speed-read? 276 00:24:33,125 --> 00:24:36,499 I have taught myself to read two pages at once... 277 00:24:36,500 --> 00:24:39,790 one eyeball per page. 278 00:24:39,791 --> 00:24:41,124 I have to go now 279 00:24:41,125 --> 00:24:44,207 even though I have not told you about my 7th job, 280 00:24:44,208 --> 00:24:47,082 in a condom factory. 281 00:24:47,125 --> 00:24:48,832 Write back soon. 282 00:24:48,833 --> 00:24:55,540 Your American friend, Max Jerry Horowitz. 283 00:24:55,541 --> 00:25:00,499 PS. Please find enclosed a photo from one of those booths. 284 00:25:00,500 --> 00:25:04,457 PPS. Thank you for the Cherry Ripe 285 00:25:04,458 --> 00:25:07,999 and I am glad you like chocolate as much as I do. 286 00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,957 I have never eaten sweetened condensed milk 287 00:25:10,958 --> 00:25:14,207 but I will try some this week. 288 00:25:14,208 --> 00:25:18,999 PPPS. I have never used a condom. 289 00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:21,124 Gey gezunterheyt. 290 00:25:23,750 --> 00:25:26,749 Max hoped Mary would write again. 291 00:25:26,750 --> 00:25:29,790 He'd always wanted a friend. 292 00:25:29,791 --> 00:25:36,749 A friend that wasn't invisible, a pet or rubber figurine. 293 00:25:36,750 --> 00:25:41,749 He counted the stars and wondered how many days, hours, minutes 294 00:25:41,750 --> 00:25:46,457 it would take his letter to reach Australia. 295 00:25:51,250 --> 00:25:53,665 Vera was not impressed... 296 00:25:57,750 --> 00:26:01,207 ...not impressed at all. 297 00:26:01,208 --> 00:26:07,207 This nutcase would not be her daughter's penfriend, she thought. 298 00:26:07,250 --> 00:26:10,207 There was enough ugliness in the world. 299 00:26:10,208 --> 00:26:12,957 Mary would be home from school in an hour... 300 00:26:12,958 --> 00:26:17,915 enough time for another cup of tea and a bit of cricket to soothe the nerves 301 00:26:17,916 --> 00:26:22,332 and dissolve the memory of Max's letter from her pickled mind. 302 00:26:22,375 --> 00:26:27,124 Yeah, he's out. Unbelievable. 14. England 7/150. 303 00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:01,249 Stop! Wait! 304 00:27:01,250 --> 00:27:06,249 Hey, fellas, you got room for one more bag? 305 00:27:06,250 --> 00:27:09,999 Sure, Mrs Dinkle. Hop in! 306 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:12,124 Good one. Kevin! 307 00:27:19,458 --> 00:27:22,707 Come on, Vera. We've got some other bags to pick up! 308 00:27:37,958 --> 00:27:40,374 Mary, is that all the rubbish? 309 00:27:40,375 --> 00:27:42,374 Yep! 310 00:27:42,375 --> 00:27:45,040 See ya, Toots! 311 00:27:45,041 --> 00:27:47,457 Sweet baby Jesus. 312 00:28:01,625 --> 00:28:06,749 Even though Max's letter smelt like fish heads and orange peel, 313 00:28:06,833 --> 00:28:10,957 Mary drank his words like a bowl of alphabet soup 314 00:28:10,958 --> 00:28:13,249 and hadn't been this excited 315 00:28:13,250 --> 00:28:18,707 since Grandpoppy Ralph had found a coin up her nose. 316 00:28:18,750 --> 00:28:20,374 She wrote back immediately 317 00:28:20,375 --> 00:28:24,957 on some butchers' paper she'd stolen from some chops. 318 00:28:24,958 --> 00:28:29,082 Dear Max, I'm so excited you've wroted back. 319 00:28:29,083 --> 00:28:33,124 I don't think my parents like you so from now on 320 00:28:33,125 --> 00:28:36,415 send stuff to my neighbour Len Hislop 321 00:28:36,416 --> 00:28:41,582 at 26 Lamington Drive, Mt Waverley. 322 00:28:41,666 --> 00:28:44,582 He's old with no legs. 323 00:28:44,583 --> 00:28:47,374 They got chew'd'ed off in World War ll 324 00:28:47,375 --> 00:28:51,332 when some Japanese peoples kept him in a cage above piranhas. 325 00:28:53,333 --> 00:28:56,749 Piranhas are goldfish that have teeth. 326 00:28:58,458 --> 00:29:03,832 He's scared of outside, which is a disease called homophobia. 327 00:29:06,250 --> 00:29:09,874 He's started giving me 50 cents a week to get his mail. 328 00:29:11,041 --> 00:29:17,957 I'm saving to buy a castle in Scotland and marry a man called Earl Grey. 329 00:29:17,958 --> 00:29:20,499 Do you get 'The Noblets' in America? 330 00:29:20,500 --> 00:29:24,499 Well, my favourite Noblet is Vanity Noblet. 331 00:29:24,500 --> 00:29:30,374 He wants to be everyone's friend, even the boys'! 332 00:29:30,375 --> 00:29:34,040 In your letter, you said you had no friends. 333 00:29:34,083 --> 00:29:36,415 Well, neither do I. 334 00:29:39,208 --> 00:29:43,207 Yesterday at school, Bernie Clifford weed on my spam sandwich 335 00:29:43,291 --> 00:29:47,457 and called me 'poo face' 'cos of my birthmark. 336 00:29:47,458 --> 00:29:50,624 I wish I could peel it off like a band-aid. 337 00:29:50,625 --> 00:29:53,957 He also laughed 'cos I had no buttons. 338 00:29:53,958 --> 00:29:56,124 Ethel pecked them off 339 00:29:56,125 --> 00:30:00,707 and Mum couldn't thread a needle 'cos she'd been testing the sherry 340 00:30:00,708 --> 00:30:02,207 so she used pegs instead. 341 00:30:05,500 --> 00:30:12,082 When I got home, I climbed into my secret place till dinner time. 342 00:30:12,125 --> 00:30:14,957 The other kids also laugh at my haircut. 343 00:30:14,958 --> 00:30:17,749 Dad has to cut my hair because mum says 344 00:30:17,750 --> 00:30:20,874 real hairdressers sell your hair to Chinamen 345 00:30:20,875 --> 00:30:22,457 who stuff mattresses. 346 00:30:24,958 --> 00:30:28,957 My teacher, Mrs Pendergast, says I should smile more. 347 00:30:28,958 --> 00:30:33,957 I told my mum and so she drawed a big smile on me. 348 00:30:36,958 --> 00:30:39,957 I don't think Mrs Pendergast likes me anymore. 349 00:30:45,500 --> 00:30:50,332 I better go now. My tears are smudgling my words. 350 00:30:50,333 --> 00:30:55,957 Your friend in Australia, Mary Daisy Dinkle. 351 00:30:55,958 --> 00:31:03,207 PS. Have you ever been teased? Can you help me? 352 00:31:03,208 --> 00:31:09,749 PSS. I've never been hang gliding before or been a 'commune-ist' 353 00:31:09,750 --> 00:31:14,957 but would love a frisbee and your recipe for chocolate hotdogs. 354 00:31:14,958 --> 00:31:22,124 PSSS. I'm sending you some Australian chocolate, a pompom I made 355 00:31:22,125 --> 00:31:26,707 and a cake called a lamington, which I was meant to eat for lunch. 356 00:31:52,333 --> 00:31:54,332 Have you ever been teased? 357 00:31:58,666 --> 00:32:00,665 Mary's letter triggered memories 358 00:32:00,666 --> 00:32:04,374 Max had buried deep down in his shoes. 359 00:32:04,375 --> 00:32:08,790 We've got him cornered now. Hey. Jew-boy, you're gonna pay... 360 00:32:09,458 --> 00:32:14,290 Take this, Jew-boy, Jew-boy, Jew-boy. 361 00:32:16,958 --> 00:32:21,207 And as usual, he coped in the only way he knew. 362 00:32:31,208 --> 00:32:33,790 And 36 chocolate hotdogs later... 363 00:32:35,500 --> 00:32:39,040 ..and after only two hours sleep, 364 00:32:39,083 --> 00:32:46,332 Max's meltdown faded away and an idea popped into his brain. 365 00:32:48,416 --> 00:32:51,415 Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle, 366 00:32:51,416 --> 00:32:57,374 thank you for your letter, chocolate bar, lamington and pompom. 367 00:32:57,416 --> 00:33:01,790 The chocolate got crushed, so I blended the bits with milk and ice cream 368 00:33:01,833 --> 00:33:04,499 and now I am drinking it right now. 369 00:33:07,541 --> 00:33:11,915 After much thought, I think I have a solution to your teasing. 370 00:33:11,916 --> 00:33:14,082 Tell Bernie Clifford your birthmark is made of chocolate, 371 00:33:16,916 --> 00:33:19,040 which means when you get to heaven 372 00:33:19,041 --> 00:33:22,707 you will be in charge of all the chocolate. 373 00:33:22,708 --> 00:33:26,499 This of course is a lie - I do not like lies... 374 00:33:26,500 --> 00:33:30,415 but in this case I think it will be of benefit. 375 00:33:30,458 --> 00:33:34,374 I wish I could be in charge of all the chocolate 376 00:33:34,375 --> 00:33:39,082 but, of course, I cannot because of my atheism. 377 00:33:41,166 --> 00:33:43,915 My neighbour Ivy is also an atheist. 378 00:33:43,958 --> 00:33:50,415 She doesn't talk much but makes me very good soup on Sunday nights. 379 00:33:50,416 --> 00:33:52,457 She is partly blind 380 00:33:52,458 --> 00:33:57,165 and sometimes I find her hair in my soup. Eeugh! 381 00:33:57,166 --> 00:34:04,665 I do not tell her as Dr Bernard Hazelhof says this would be impolite. 382 00:34:04,666 --> 00:34:08,332 Here is a list of what I eat on the other nights. 383 00:34:08,333 --> 00:34:10,707 Mondays - Glicks Potato Knish, 384 00:34:10,708 --> 00:34:13,832 Tuesdays - Yiddels Noodle Kugel, 385 00:34:13,833 --> 00:34:17,207 Wednesdays - Captain Salty's Fishstix, 386 00:34:17,208 --> 00:34:19,957 Thursdays - Yentls Cheezy Blintz 387 00:34:19,958 --> 00:34:23,415 and Fridays - chicken nuggets. 388 00:34:23,458 --> 00:34:26,999 On Saturday nights I create my own recipes. 389 00:34:27,000 --> 00:34:31,540 Last week I invented canned spaghetti hamburgers. 390 00:34:31,541 --> 00:34:34,957 Recipes are like mathematical equations. 391 00:34:34,958 --> 00:34:41,915 Dr Bernard Hazelhof told me you should never weigh more than your refrigerator 392 00:34:41,916 --> 00:34:46,832 and to never eat anything bigger than your head. 393 00:34:46,833 --> 00:34:50,790 I once ate a watermelon bigger than my head 394 00:34:50,875 --> 00:34:53,832 but not all at once. 395 00:34:53,875 --> 00:34:57,707 Do you have any weight loss suggestions? 396 00:34:57,708 --> 00:35:00,832 My Overeaters Anonymous meetings don't seem to be working 397 00:35:00,833 --> 00:35:03,957 and just make me tense. 398 00:35:10,458 --> 00:35:13,790 It would be good if there was a 'Fat Fairy'. 399 00:35:15,583 --> 00:35:20,249 She would be a bit like the Tooth Fairy but would suck out your fat. 400 00:35:25,166 --> 00:35:30,999 Ivy says she is only a 'little bit' blind but I think she is very blind. 401 00:35:31,000 --> 00:35:34,874 She should get a cane like other vision-impaired people. 402 00:35:35,791 --> 00:35:38,374 She could make the end pointy 403 00:35:38,375 --> 00:35:40,915 and collect rubbish at the same time. 404 00:35:42,291 --> 00:35:46,207 I think I will write a letter to the Mayor and suggest this. 405 00:35:46,208 --> 00:35:49,915 He will be very impressed. 406 00:35:49,916 --> 00:35:55,249 Ivy says she doesn't need a cane because she has a good sense of smell. 407 00:35:57,125 --> 00:36:02,415 She says she could find me with her eyes stapled shut. 408 00:36:02,416 --> 00:36:06,915 She says I smell like liquorice and old books. 409 00:36:10,875 --> 00:36:16,374 I think she smells like cough medicine and urine. 410 00:36:16,375 --> 00:36:18,332 I have never told her this 411 00:36:18,333 --> 00:36:23,832 as Dr Bernard Hazelhof said this would also be impolite. 412 00:36:27,958 --> 00:36:30,499 People often think I am tactless and rude. 413 00:36:33,833 --> 00:36:40,165 I cannot understand how being honest can be... improper. 414 00:36:40,208 --> 00:36:45,957 Maybe this is why I don't have any friends 415 00:36:45,958 --> 00:36:47,832 of course except for you. 416 00:36:48,916 --> 00:36:52,207 A real friend has been one of my three goals in life. 417 00:36:54,208 --> 00:37:00,624 The other two are to own every Noblet and a lifetime supply of chocolate. 418 00:37:02,708 --> 00:37:07,207 Dr Bernard Hazelhof says it is good to have goals 419 00:37:07,208 --> 00:37:12,332 but not stupid ones like mine. 420 00:37:12,333 --> 00:37:14,707 I have now run out of things to tell you. 421 00:37:17,791 --> 00:37:19,915 Please, write soon. 422 00:37:19,916 --> 00:37:25,957 Your friend in America, Max Jerry Horowitz. 423 00:37:25,958 --> 00:37:30,374 PS. Do not worry about not smiling. 424 00:37:30,375 --> 00:37:32,957 My mouth hardly ever smiles 425 00:37:32,958 --> 00:37:37,749 but it does not mean I am not smiling inside my brain. 426 00:37:39,750 --> 00:37:44,165 PPS. Please find enclosed a frisbee, 427 00:37:44,166 --> 00:37:47,499 some Chocolate Pop Rocks, which you should eat with cola, 428 00:37:47,500 --> 00:37:53,540 and an illustration of a turtle from one of my National Geographics. 429 00:37:53,583 --> 00:37:59,124 PPPS. Did you know that turtles can breathe through their anuses? 430 00:38:03,458 --> 00:38:05,332 Dear Max, 431 00:38:05,333 --> 00:38:07,374 when I told Bernie Clifford 432 00:38:07,375 --> 00:38:11,290 I'll be in charge of all the chocolate in heaven and he wouldn't get any, 433 00:38:11,291 --> 00:38:12,749 he cried. 434 00:38:14,416 --> 00:38:19,957 I also hide'd some dog's poo in his bit of the sandpit. 435 00:38:19,958 --> 00:38:24,249 Your advice was great and I've got a job delivering pamphlets 436 00:38:24,333 --> 00:38:27,540 so I can save to come and see you. 437 00:38:27,541 --> 00:38:29,665 I am sad to hear you are fat. 438 00:38:29,666 --> 00:38:34,082 Mum says I am fat too and I'm growing up to be a heifer, 439 00:38:34,083 --> 00:38:37,957 which I think is a type of cow. 440 00:38:37,958 --> 00:38:42,415 Maybe you should only eat things beginning with the letter of each day. 441 00:38:42,458 --> 00:38:44,957 On Mondays you could only eat 442 00:38:44,958 --> 00:38:50,707 milkshakes, marshmallows and... mustard. 443 00:38:55,958 --> 00:39:00,624 For my birthday, my Mum baked a cake, and Dad gave me a camera. 444 00:39:02,291 --> 00:39:05,249 I hope you like the photos I sent. 445 00:39:05,250 --> 00:39:08,707 The first one is of Ethel, who ate some tinsel. 446 00:39:08,708 --> 00:39:11,332 The next one is one of myself 447 00:39:11,333 --> 00:39:16,499 after I ate the Chocolate Pop Rocks with the cola, like you said. 448 00:39:16,500 --> 00:39:18,540 Next is Len. 449 00:39:18,541 --> 00:39:25,040 He's still trying hard not to be afraid of outside and conquer his homophobia. 450 00:39:28,500 --> 00:39:32,207 The next one is of dad in his shed, 451 00:39:32,208 --> 00:39:35,499 and then one of the times I covered mum 452 00:39:35,500 --> 00:39:39,624 while she was asleep in her stickers that help her stop smoking. 453 00:39:39,625 --> 00:39:43,999 Next, when I got my slinky caught in my hair. 454 00:39:44,000 --> 00:39:48,957 Then one of the times Sonny digged up his wife, Cher. 455 00:39:48,958 --> 00:39:55,749 And, finally, a photo of my other neighbour Damian Popodopolous. 456 00:39:55,791 --> 00:39:59,957 He's a Greek and smells like lemon dish-washing liquid 457 00:39:59,958 --> 00:40:05,374 and his skin is smooth, like the back of a spoon. 458 00:40:05,375 --> 00:40:11,582 Mum says he's a wog and has a stutter and can't even say his own surname. 459 00:40:13,333 --> 00:40:16,874 She says you have to hit him on the back of the head 460 00:40:16,875 --> 00:40:18,249 to get his words out. 461 00:40:18,291 --> 00:40:20,207 Popodopolous. 462 00:40:20,250 --> 00:40:24,582 I wish he was my boyfriend and we can be in love and do sexing 463 00:40:24,583 --> 00:40:27,457 like Katherine Ramsay told me behind the bike shed. 464 00:40:27,958 --> 00:40:30,749 She said it's when two people go 'nuddy' 465 00:40:30,750 --> 00:40:33,332 and rub on each other to make babies. 466 00:40:34,333 --> 00:40:39,082 I told her she's a liar and would go to hell and burn like toast 467 00:40:39,083 --> 00:40:41,957 'cos babies really come from beer glasses 468 00:40:41,958 --> 00:40:46,332 and eggs laid by rabbits and nuns and 'prosti-tubes'. 469 00:40:46,375 --> 00:40:48,415 She said ladies get knocked up 470 00:40:48,416 --> 00:40:51,582 and bake babies in their stomachs for 2 years 471 00:40:51,583 --> 00:40:55,374 till they spurt out their 'vag-eye-ners' with blood and tinned spaghetti. 472 00:40:56,583 --> 00:40:59,832 Have you got a girlfriend, Max, or some wives? 473 00:40:59,833 --> 00:41:02,332 Have you done sexing? 474 00:41:02,333 --> 00:41:03,749 Valentine's Day is soon 475 00:41:03,750 --> 00:41:08,874 and I want to give Damian a present so he can love me. 476 00:41:08,958 --> 00:41:12,040 Can you explain love and how I can be 'lover'd'? 477 00:41:14,333 --> 00:41:17,957 Once again, Mary's letter had triggered an anxiety attack. 478 00:41:19,416 --> 00:41:21,582 Max knew nothing about love. 479 00:41:21,583 --> 00:41:25,540 It was as foreign to him as scuba diving 480 00:41:25,541 --> 00:41:29,665 and he'd had an appalling history of getting it all wrong. 481 00:41:30,541 --> 00:41:32,165 One Valentine's Day 482 00:41:32,166 --> 00:41:37,457 he'd given Zelda Glutnik a gift he was sure was appropriate. 483 00:41:43,250 --> 00:41:47,165 The only companion that had ever warmed Max's bed 484 00:41:47,208 --> 00:41:49,332 was his hot water bottle. 485 00:41:50,958 --> 00:41:52,082 Romance and love 486 00:41:52,083 --> 00:41:55,374 was a mysterious language he'd given up on. 487 00:41:56,083 --> 00:41:59,290 If only Mary had asked how a toaster works 488 00:41:59,291 --> 00:42:02,832 or asked for an explanation of the Chaos theory. 489 00:42:02,875 --> 00:42:07,374 If only there was a mathematical equation for love. 490 00:42:08,958 --> 00:42:12,790 He kept eating and thinking. 491 00:42:27,750 --> 00:42:33,790 But love was not like Max's Rubik's Cube. It could not be solved. 492 00:42:33,791 --> 00:42:37,374 No matter how he analysed it, the results were negative. 493 00:42:37,791 --> 00:42:39,624 Beat it, creep! 494 00:42:39,666 --> 00:42:43,040 He felt love but couldn't articulate it. 495 00:42:43,041 --> 00:42:47,457 Its logic was as foreign to him as... as a salad sandwich. 496 00:42:49,708 --> 00:42:51,957 The stars made more sense. 497 00:42:59,125 --> 00:43:02,374 12, have you responded to the call? Over. 498 00:43:02,375 --> 00:43:05,790 The anxiety and stress were too much. 499 00:43:05,791 --> 00:43:11,915 The inscrutability of love finally won, and Max's brain gave in. 500 00:43:21,083 --> 00:43:24,624 He was diagnosed with severe depression and obesity 501 00:43:24,625 --> 00:43:30,165 and spent the next 8 months institutionalised and bedridden. 502 00:43:30,291 --> 00:43:33,540 They marinated him in a cocktail of drugs 503 00:43:33,541 --> 00:43:37,249 and performed the usual 'therapeutic' procedures. 504 00:43:42,666 --> 00:43:46,249 Meanwhile, Mary wondered and waited. 505 00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:51,124 Maybe Max's typewriter had run out of ink. 506 00:43:51,416 --> 00:43:54,999 Maybe America had run out of ink. 507 00:43:55,583 --> 00:43:57,999 Maybe his pets had eaten him. 508 00:43:59,250 --> 00:44:01,665 Maybe it was her. 509 00:44:01,708 --> 00:44:06,290 Was she too demanding, too boring, too... ugly? 510 00:44:14,416 --> 00:44:18,415 Filled with anger, confusion and self-loathing, 511 00:44:18,458 --> 00:44:23,332 Mary tried to erase the memory of her friend forever. 512 00:45:12,666 --> 00:45:13,957 Max had recovered. 513 00:45:13,958 --> 00:45:18,874 And life was balanced, safe and symmetrical once again. 514 00:45:21,625 --> 00:45:26,124 But Mary still lingered in his mind. 515 00:45:26,166 --> 00:45:28,957 Half of him wanted to write to her immediately. 516 00:45:28,958 --> 00:45:33,457 The other half didn't want to end up a mental patient again. 517 00:45:33,458 --> 00:45:38,540 At least there was always Mr Ravioli to be friends with. 518 00:45:38,541 --> 00:45:41,582 He was a much safer option. 519 00:45:42,583 --> 00:45:46,540 He wondered what Mary was doing right now. 520 00:45:47,458 --> 00:45:50,207 But she was far from content 521 00:45:50,208 --> 00:45:56,332 and struggled on by herself, saving her money for a rainy day. 522 00:46:03,833 --> 00:46:06,040 Life went on as usual for Max 523 00:46:06,041 --> 00:46:09,957 and even though he opted for order and stability, 524 00:46:09,958 --> 00:46:13,415 misfortune was never far away. 525 00:46:42,708 --> 00:46:46,707 Luckily, his manslaughter charges were dismissed 526 00:46:46,708 --> 00:46:49,665 because he was labelled mentally deficient 527 00:46:49,666 --> 00:46:53,874 and unlikely to have a motive for killing a mime artist... 528 00:46:55,083 --> 00:46:56,707 ...unlike most people. 529 00:46:58,500 --> 00:47:02,082 From then on, Max cooled himself differently 530 00:47:02,083 --> 00:47:04,624 and things went back to normal 531 00:47:04,625 --> 00:47:10,582 until after his 48th birthday, when his numbers finally came up. 532 00:47:10,583 --> 00:47:12,957 Welcome to the New York Lottery 533 00:47:12,958 --> 00:47:15,165 and these are tonight's winning numbers... 534 00:47:15,166 --> 00:47:18,457 3, 5, 535 00:47:18,458 --> 00:47:20,058 6, 9, 536 00:47:24,458 --> 00:47:30,457 11 and 12! 537 00:48:12,083 --> 00:48:14,040 Max was sensible with his sudden wealth 538 00:48:14,041 --> 00:48:17,332 and had bought a lifetime supply of chocolate 539 00:48:17,333 --> 00:48:20,415 and the complete Noblet collection. 540 00:48:24,625 --> 00:48:28,082 Two of his life goals had come true. 541 00:48:28,125 --> 00:48:31,082 But he still had a lot of money 542 00:48:31,083 --> 00:48:33,540 so decided to give it to Ivy... 543 00:48:34,916 --> 00:48:38,124 ...who was also very sensible... 544 00:49:11,791 --> 00:49:15,874 ...until her own numbers came up. 545 00:49:24,375 --> 00:49:28,374 Ivy willed everything to the local cat shelter, 546 00:49:28,375 --> 00:49:33,540 whose owner relocated her kind donation to his bank account, 547 00:49:33,541 --> 00:49:39,999 his wife's new breasts, a Ferrari and enough fuel to get to Mexico. 548 00:49:47,875 --> 00:49:51,874 Despite achieving all his life's goals, 549 00:49:51,875 --> 00:49:56,332 Max still felt incomplete. 550 00:49:56,333 --> 00:49:59,915 Mr Ravioli just wasn't cutting the mustard anymore 551 00:49:59,916 --> 00:50:05,082 and seemed more interested in his self-help books. 552 00:50:05,166 --> 00:50:08,582 Mary had given Max a taste of real friendship 553 00:50:08,583 --> 00:50:12,082 and there was just no comparison. 554 00:50:12,750 --> 00:50:14,915 She missed him too 555 00:50:14,916 --> 00:50:17,874 but no longer saved to see him. 556 00:50:19,000 --> 00:50:22,957 She now saved for a different reason. 557 00:50:32,875 --> 00:50:38,540 One day Mr Ravioli got up, left and never came back. 558 00:50:42,500 --> 00:50:45,957 Max sought Dr Hazelhof's advice. 559 00:50:47,416 --> 00:50:52,499 He told Max that true friendship is seen through the heart, 560 00:50:52,500 --> 00:50:54,499 not through the eyes, 561 00:50:54,500 --> 00:51:02,499 and that it was time he wrote to Mary to reveal his true self, warts and all. 562 00:51:02,541 --> 00:51:05,540 Max understood. 563 00:51:22,958 --> 00:51:25,790 Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle, 564 00:51:25,791 --> 00:51:28,415 there is something I have to tell you 565 00:51:28,458 --> 00:51:32,374 which will explain why I have not written. 566 00:51:32,375 --> 00:51:38,957 Each time I received one of your letters, I had a severe anxiety attack. 567 00:51:38,958 --> 00:51:43,624 This is because recently, while I was in a mental institution, 568 00:51:43,625 --> 00:51:50,540 they diagnosed that I have a new thing called Asperger's syndrome, 569 00:51:50,541 --> 00:51:57,915 which is a neurobiological, pervasive, developmental disability. 570 00:51:57,916 --> 00:52:01,624 I prefer 'Aspie' for short. 571 00:52:01,625 --> 00:52:05,582 I will now list some of the traits of an Aspie. 572 00:52:08,083 --> 00:52:13,040 No.1 - I find the world very confusing and chaotic 573 00:52:13,041 --> 00:52:18,415 because my mind is very literal and logical. 574 00:52:21,708 --> 00:52:28,124 2 - I have trouble understanding the expressions on people's faces. 575 00:52:28,166 --> 00:52:36,582 When I was younger, I made a book to help me when I was confused. 576 00:52:39,375 --> 00:52:42,915 I still have trouble with some people. 577 00:52:42,958 --> 00:52:46,249 Ivy was hard to understand because of her wrinkles 578 00:52:46,250 --> 00:52:49,874 and because her eyebrows weren't real. 579 00:52:51,041 --> 00:52:53,540 3 - I have bad handwriting, 580 00:52:53,541 --> 00:52:56,540 am hypersensitive... 581 00:52:56,541 --> 00:52:59,249 ...clumsy 582 00:52:59,291 --> 00:53:02,832 and can get very concerned. 583 00:53:06,333 --> 00:53:14,124 4 - I like solving problems. Ivy said this is a good thing. 584 00:53:16,708 --> 00:53:21,999 And finally No.5 - I have trouble expressing my emotions. 585 00:53:22,000 --> 00:53:27,249 Dr Bernard Hazelhof says my brain is defective 586 00:53:27,250 --> 00:53:32,957 but one day there will be a cure for my disability. 587 00:53:32,958 --> 00:53:35,457 I do not like it when he says this. 588 00:53:35,458 --> 00:53:40,540 I do not feel disabled, defective or I need to be cured. 589 00:53:40,541 --> 00:53:43,582 I like being an Aspie. 590 00:53:43,666 --> 00:53:47,957 It would be like trying to change the colour of my eyes. 591 00:53:49,708 --> 00:53:53,832 There is one thing I wish I could change, however. 592 00:53:55,541 --> 00:53:58,165 I wish I could cry properly. 593 00:54:00,666 --> 00:54:06,040 I squeeze and squeeze but nothing... comes out. 594 00:54:06,041 --> 00:54:09,540 I cry when I cut onions but this does not count. 595 00:54:09,541 --> 00:54:12,457 Anyway, do you like the word 'cumquat'? 596 00:54:12,458 --> 00:54:14,582 It is a type of fruit. 597 00:54:14,583 --> 00:54:17,457 Do you have a favourite-sounding word? 598 00:54:17,500 --> 00:54:21,415 My top 5 are ointment, bumblebee, 599 00:54:21,416 --> 00:54:24,790 Vladivostok, banana 600 00:54:24,791 --> 00:54:26,790 and testicle. 601 00:54:28,541 --> 00:54:32,665 I have also invented some new words... 602 00:54:32,708 --> 00:54:40,165 'confuzzled', which is being confused and puzzled at the same time, 603 00:54:40,208 --> 00:54:45,040 'snirt', which is a cross between snow and dirt, 604 00:54:45,041 --> 00:54:47,540 and 'smushables'... 605 00:54:47,541 --> 00:54:53,165 ...which are squashed groceries you find at the bottom of the bag. 606 00:54:53,208 --> 00:54:57,207 I have sent a letter to the Oxford Dictionary people 607 00:54:57,208 --> 00:55:00,665 asking them to include my words 608 00:55:00,666 --> 00:55:03,999 but I have not heard back. 609 00:55:04,000 --> 00:55:08,499 It is now time for me to go to my Overeaters Anonymous meeting. 610 00:55:08,500 --> 00:55:12,082 There is a woman there called Marjorie Buttersworth 611 00:55:12,083 --> 00:55:14,582 who confuzzles me. 612 00:55:14,625 --> 00:55:18,665 She kisses me without my permission 613 00:55:18,666 --> 00:55:25,582 so tonight I have decided to rub onions under my armpits to repel her. 614 00:55:25,666 --> 00:55:30,707 Your friend in America, Max Jerry Horowitz. 615 00:55:35,166 --> 00:55:37,624 PS. Please find enclosed 616 00:55:37,625 --> 00:55:41,582 some chocolate-covered ants I found at the deli. 617 00:55:42,791 --> 00:55:46,957 PPS. Not much has happened since I last wrote 618 00:55:46,958 --> 00:55:53,582 except for my manslaughter charges, lotto win and Ivy's death. 619 00:55:56,958 --> 00:56:00,374 Mary was thrilled Max had finally written 620 00:56:00,375 --> 00:56:03,165 and suddenly had a fabulous idea. 621 00:56:38,875 --> 00:56:42,832 Mary and Max's friendship was resuscitated 622 00:56:42,875 --> 00:56:48,082 and her tears were the best gift he'd ever received. 623 00:56:48,083 --> 00:56:52,457 Inside Max's head his brain was smiling. 624 00:56:54,000 --> 00:56:56,624 Loaded up with bizarre forms of chocolate, 625 00:56:56,625 --> 00:57:01,165 their letters flew thick and fast between the continents. 626 00:57:01,166 --> 00:57:04,582 Max learnt to read Mary's letters with caution 627 00:57:04,583 --> 00:57:08,707 and at the slightest tingle of tension, he would stop, 628 00:57:08,750 --> 00:57:12,582 take his medication and soothe his nerves. 629 00:57:12,625 --> 00:57:18,624 Each letter he would iron, laminate and file in a special place, 630 00:57:18,625 --> 00:57:21,874 which also soothed his nerves. 631 00:57:26,208 --> 00:57:30,790 He enjoyed answering her questions and solving her puzzles like... 632 00:57:30,875 --> 00:57:33,749 Do sheep shrink when it rains? 633 00:57:33,750 --> 00:57:37,832 Why do old men wear their pants so high? 634 00:57:37,833 --> 00:57:43,165 Do gooses get goosebumps and why is bellybutton lint blue? 635 00:57:43,166 --> 00:57:44,915 Are there Noblets in heaven? 636 00:57:44,916 --> 00:57:49,707 And if a taxi goes backwards, does the driver owe you money? 637 00:57:49,708 --> 00:57:55,707 In turn, Mary simply enjoyed hearing about Max's fascinating life... 638 00:57:55,708 --> 00:57:58,207 how many people he'd counted littering... 639 00:58:03,625 --> 00:58:05,957 ...how the latest Henry had died... 640 00:58:15,500 --> 00:58:18,832 ...and new recipes he'd invented for chicken. 641 00:58:22,375 --> 00:58:24,457 Each nourished the other 642 00:58:24,458 --> 00:58:27,374 and, as Mary grew taller, 643 00:58:27,375 --> 00:58:29,415 Max grew wider... 644 00:58:29,416 --> 00:58:35,249 their friendship becoming stronger than the glue on Mary's Noblets. 645 00:58:39,500 --> 00:58:42,457 Although Max found solace in Mary, 646 00:58:42,458 --> 00:58:45,874 he still found the rest of the world bewildering. 647 00:58:45,875 --> 00:58:47,707 And he couldn't understand 648 00:58:47,708 --> 00:58:50,790 why he was seen as the odd one 649 00:58:50,791 --> 00:58:53,832 while everyone else was considered normal. 650 00:58:55,666 --> 00:58:59,249 Humans were endlessly illogical. 651 00:58:59,250 --> 00:59:04,665 Why did they throw out food when there were children starving in India? 652 00:59:04,666 --> 00:59:09,499 Why did they clear the rain-forests when they needed the oxygen? 653 00:59:09,500 --> 00:59:16,332 And why did they create bus timetables when they never ran on time? 654 00:59:16,333 --> 00:59:23,124 He agreed with his favourite physicist that there are only two things infinite... 655 00:59:23,166 --> 00:59:27,207 the universe and man's stupidity. 656 00:59:28,791 --> 00:59:34,665 And for Mary, even though Max filled her with confidence... 657 00:59:34,666 --> 00:59:35,665 Bullseye! 658 00:59:35,666 --> 00:59:39,290 ...her world was far from perfect. 659 00:59:39,291 --> 00:59:42,915 The grip of love had her by the throat. 660 01:00:03,458 --> 01:00:08,999 At 4.59pm, on the 8th of the 8th, 1988... 661 01:00:11,041 --> 01:00:15,832 ...Noel Norman Dinkle attached his last string 662 01:00:15,833 --> 01:00:22,165 and, after 40 years and 40 million tea bags, he retired. 663 01:00:22,166 --> 01:00:27,332 To celebrate, Noel announced he was retiring from taxidermy 664 01:00:27,333 --> 01:00:31,165 and taking up metal detecting instead. 665 01:00:31,166 --> 01:00:34,957 But, sadly, it was not a hobby he had for long. 666 01:01:12,208 --> 01:01:15,749 In his will, Noel had left Mary some money 667 01:01:15,750 --> 01:01:20,832 so she decided to go to university and study disorders of the mind, 668 01:01:20,875 --> 01:01:24,832 yearning to learn more about her friend. 669 01:01:24,833 --> 01:01:30,957 Mary was as popular at university as she was at school. 670 01:01:30,958 --> 01:01:34,415 Damian went there too, aching to be a Thespian. 671 01:01:34,416 --> 01:01:37,415 Hi there, Mary. 672 01:01:37,416 --> 01:01:41,165 Hi... hello! 673 01:01:50,500 --> 01:01:53,332 That was damn funny! 674 01:02:24,250 --> 01:02:30,082 Hey, Damian, your mum's roses look fab! 675 01:02:30,083 --> 01:02:32,665 Thanks, Mary. 676 01:02:32,666 --> 01:02:35,207 Mary, can I tell you something? 677 01:02:35,208 --> 01:02:37,124 Sure, babe! 678 01:02:37,125 --> 01:02:42,374 You've got dog's poo on your shoe. 679 01:02:54,541 --> 01:02:56,540 Dear Max, 680 01:02:56,541 --> 01:02:58,540 I have been such an idiot. 681 01:02:58,541 --> 01:03:01,040 I've wasted all my money on something pointless 682 01:03:01,041 --> 01:03:03,040 when I should have been saving to see you. 683 01:03:04,958 --> 01:03:08,165 I know love upsets you so I won't go on about it. 684 01:03:08,166 --> 01:03:12,707 All I want to say is that love is obviously not for me. 685 01:03:12,708 --> 01:03:17,124 I hope you are well and enjoy the chocolate cigarettes I've enclosed. 686 01:03:17,125 --> 01:03:18,582 Love Mary. 687 01:03:33,250 --> 01:03:35,957 You should be ashamed! 688 01:03:35,958 --> 01:03:38,374 - Come on, baby. Let's go. - Mum... 689 01:03:38,416 --> 01:03:41,665 I told you never to talk to strangers. 690 01:03:50,541 --> 01:03:55,915 Noel's sudden death had filled Vera with remorse and guilt 691 01:03:55,916 --> 01:04:00,457 and she coped in the only way she knew. 692 01:05:36,291 --> 01:05:37,957 Dear Max, 693 01:05:37,958 --> 01:05:41,582 our wedding day was everything I have ever dreamt, 694 01:05:41,583 --> 01:05:44,624 making up for the terrible year I've had. 695 01:05:46,875 --> 01:05:49,707 Although all the guests were Damian's family and friends, 696 01:05:49,708 --> 01:05:51,832 I felt very welcome. 697 01:05:55,458 --> 01:06:00,207 Damian is so perfect. He even made my wedding dress. 698 01:06:00,208 --> 01:06:01,582 And for our honeymoon 699 01:06:01,583 --> 01:06:05,082 he took me to Mykonos - his favourite island in Greece. 700 01:06:05,166 --> 01:06:06,915 I got to ride a donkey 701 01:06:06,916 --> 01:06:10,582 and found the perfect gift for Len. 702 01:06:10,583 --> 01:06:14,707 Poor Len, he's still struggling with his agoraphobia. 703 01:06:22,791 --> 01:06:25,582 Damian and I are so similar. 704 01:06:25,583 --> 01:06:29,832 He even has his own penfriend, who lives on a sheep farm in New Zealand. 705 01:06:33,583 --> 01:06:35,624 Mary... Mary. 706 01:06:35,625 --> 01:06:38,582 Mary... Mary. 707 01:06:41,375 --> 01:06:45,874 Mary was bursting with self-esteem 708 01:06:45,875 --> 01:06:48,874 and her confidence was almost unbearable. 709 01:06:50,875 --> 01:06:53,582 At university, she shone 710 01:06:53,583 --> 01:06:58,957 and took it upon herself to cure the world of mental illness. 711 01:07:05,375 --> 01:07:08,915 She did her thesis on Asperger's syndrome 712 01:07:08,916 --> 01:07:12,957 and used Max as her case study. 713 01:07:13,041 --> 01:07:15,749 Her professors were thoroughly impressed 714 01:07:15,750 --> 01:07:19,624 and her writing praised far and wide. 715 01:07:19,625 --> 01:07:23,290 Soon, publishers queued to print her unique insight 716 01:07:23,291 --> 01:07:30,915 and by her 25th birthday, thousands of copies were ready to be shipped. 717 01:07:30,916 --> 01:07:32,749 Dear Max, 718 01:07:32,750 --> 01:07:34,374 I am very proud to give you 719 01:07:34,375 --> 01:07:37,915 the very first copy of my book about your disability 720 01:07:37,916 --> 01:07:42,374 and the hopes that we have to one day cure it. 721 01:07:43,291 --> 01:07:44,290 Even more exciting 722 01:07:44,291 --> 01:07:50,082 is that I am finally coming to meet and celebrate with you in one week's time. 723 01:07:50,166 --> 01:07:53,415 I'm also going to give you half the royalties. 724 01:07:53,416 --> 01:07:56,915 Your loving friend, Mary. 725 01:07:56,916 --> 01:08:01,457 PS. Please find enclosed some chocolate-coated Swiss almonds. 726 01:08:06,375 --> 01:08:10,915 Max didn't take the news very well... 727 01:08:10,916 --> 01:08:13,915 not very well at all. 728 01:08:13,916 --> 01:08:16,790 Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle, 729 01:08:16,791 --> 01:08:22,124 I cannot express myself very clearly at this moment 730 01:08:22,125 --> 01:08:28,540 and so I will list my emotions in the order they feel most intense... 731 01:08:28,541 --> 01:08:36,082 hurt, confuzzledness, betrayal, discomfort, distress and wheeziness. 732 01:08:36,125 --> 01:08:39,457 This last one is not really an emotion 733 01:08:39,458 --> 01:08:42,124 but I thought you should know about it anyway. 734 01:09:13,958 --> 01:09:18,999 With her suitcase packed for New York, Mary said goodbye to Damian. 735 01:09:19,083 --> 01:09:26,832 She hadn't been this excited since she'd found a Noblet in the gutter. 736 01:09:26,833 --> 01:09:31,207 But her excitement suddenly dribbled away 737 01:09:31,208 --> 01:09:33,832 like a chocolate in the sun. 738 01:10:45,458 --> 01:10:50,165 Mary slowly sank into a puddle of depression, self-loathing 739 01:10:50,250 --> 01:10:52,540 and cooking sherry. 740 01:10:52,541 --> 01:10:58,207 The only colour left in her life was her beloved Damian, 741 01:10:58,208 --> 01:11:04,207 only an arm's length away but as distant as the moon. 742 01:11:09,208 --> 01:11:14,749 She lost interest in the world and it lost interest in her 743 01:11:14,750 --> 01:11:19,832 as a horrible apparition began to haunt. 744 01:11:19,833 --> 01:11:24,082 She started to spend her nights making pompoms 745 01:11:24,083 --> 01:11:27,624 and eating two-minute noodles. 746 01:12:30,541 --> 01:12:33,999 Each day, with strength and shame, 747 01:12:34,041 --> 01:12:38,249 Mary trudged to the letterbox in hope, 748 01:12:38,250 --> 01:12:43,499 only to swivel, shrivel and slink back inside. 749 01:13:37,541 --> 01:13:39,540 My dearest Mary, 750 01:13:39,541 --> 01:13:42,957 by the time you read this, I will be on a plane to New Zealand 751 01:13:42,958 --> 01:13:45,290 to begin a new life. 752 01:13:45,333 --> 01:13:49,415 You probably haven't even noticed I'd packed my bags. 753 01:13:49,416 --> 01:13:54,040 I have fallen in love with my penfriend, Desmond, 754 01:13:54,041 --> 01:13:56,707 and I'm going to live on his sheep farm. 755 01:13:59,166 --> 01:14:02,832 It's been hard to watch you become a remnant of the person I once loved. 756 01:14:02,833 --> 01:14:05,749 Your research into m-m-mental illness has been admirable 757 01:14:05,750 --> 01:14:11,040 but your idealistic pursuit to remedy it has been misguided. 758 01:14:11,041 --> 01:14:14,332 Mary, you have to realise y-you are not a magic beauty cream 759 01:14:14,375 --> 01:14:18,832 you can smooth on the world to rid it of its wrinkles. 760 01:14:18,833 --> 01:14:20,707 I love you, Mary, 761 01:14:20,708 --> 01:14:23,957 but I love Desmond more. 762 01:14:23,958 --> 01:14:27,332 I hope one day your heart will heal and we can be friends. 763 01:14:27,333 --> 01:14:30,499 Yours compassionately, Damian. 764 01:14:56,208 --> 01:14:58,415 Dear Mayor Ridiculani, 765 01:14:58,416 --> 01:15:06,665 on Monday I counted 27 people illegally dropping cigarette butts. 766 01:15:06,666 --> 01:15:09,332 I would like to recommend the fine be increased 767 01:15:09,333 --> 01:15:14,540 to a minimum of $1 million as a stronger deterrent 768 01:15:14,583 --> 01:15:17,957 and would be happy... 769 01:15:51,083 --> 01:15:54,832 Thank you. 770 01:16:37,791 --> 01:16:39,957 Sorry. 771 01:16:59,958 --> 01:17:02,124 Dear Mary, 772 01:17:02,125 --> 01:17:06,582 please find enclosed my entire Noblet collection 773 01:17:06,583 --> 01:17:09,874 as a sign that I forgive you. 774 01:17:10,958 --> 01:17:14,624 When I received your book, the emotions inside... 775 01:18:11,125 --> 01:18:16,124 On the way home, Max sat to count the stars. 776 01:18:16,125 --> 01:18:18,790 He felt complete... 777 01:18:18,791 --> 01:18:21,957 the world was back in balance. 778 01:21:50,166 --> 01:21:54,290 Len had saved the day and after 45 years 779 01:21:54,333 --> 01:21:59,165 he finally conquered his agoraphobia. 780 01:22:03,250 --> 01:22:04,707 Moron! 781 01:22:14,583 --> 01:22:16,124 Dear Mary, 782 01:22:16,125 --> 01:22:20,957 please find enclosed my entire Noblet collection 783 01:22:20,958 --> 01:22:24,999 as a sign that I forgive you. 784 01:22:25,000 --> 01:22:28,957 When I received your book, the emotions inside my brain 785 01:22:28,958 --> 01:22:34,040 felt like they were in a tumble dryer, smashing into each other. 786 01:22:35,250 --> 01:22:39,707 The hurt felt like when I accidentally stapled my lips together. 787 01:22:41,500 --> 01:22:46,999 The reason I forgive you is because you are not perfect. 788 01:22:47,000 --> 01:22:50,999 You are imperfect, and so am I. 789 01:22:51,000 --> 01:22:53,999 All humans are imperfect, 790 01:22:54,000 --> 01:22:58,415 even the man outside my apartment who litters. 791 01:22:58,458 --> 01:23:04,915 When I was young, I wanted to be anybody but myself. 792 01:23:04,958 --> 01:23:08,957 Dr Bernard Hazelhof said if I was on a desert island 793 01:23:08,958 --> 01:23:12,665 then I would have to get used to my own company... 794 01:23:12,666 --> 01:23:15,915 just me and the coconuts. 795 01:23:15,958 --> 01:23:22,540 He said I would have to accept myself, my warts and all, 796 01:23:22,583 --> 01:23:25,540 and that we don't get to choose our warts. 797 01:23:25,541 --> 01:23:29,207 They are a part of us and we have to live with them. 798 01:23:31,041 --> 01:23:35,207 We can, however, choose our friends 799 01:23:35,208 --> 01:23:40,540 and I am glad I have chosen you. 800 01:23:40,541 --> 01:23:43,707 Dr Bernard Hazelhof also said 801 01:23:43,750 --> 01:23:48,249 that everyone's lives are like a very long sidewalk. 802 01:23:48,250 --> 01:23:52,957 Some are well paved. Others, like mine, 803 01:23:52,958 --> 01:23:58,540 have cracks, banana skins and cigarette butts. 804 01:23:58,541 --> 01:24:05,540 Your sidewalk is like mine but probably not as many cracks. 805 01:24:05,583 --> 01:24:09,582 Hopefully, one day our sidewalks will meet 806 01:24:09,666 --> 01:24:13,249 and we can share a can of condensed milk. 807 01:24:17,041 --> 01:24:23,332 You are my best friend. You are my only friend. 808 01:24:23,375 --> 01:24:28,790 Your American penpal, Max Jerry Horowitz. 809 01:24:30,041 --> 01:24:35,040 PS. I have recently found the perfect job with a survey company. 810 01:24:35,041 --> 01:24:39,874 All I have to do is eat things and tick boxes. 811 01:26:01,625 --> 01:26:03,225 Max? 812 01:26:17,833 --> 01:26:19,832 Hello? 813 01:26:23,500 --> 01:26:25,957 Max, it's us! 814 01:26:26,000 --> 01:26:28,249 We're here! 815 01:26:30,458 --> 01:26:33,249 Max? 816 01:26:39,583 --> 01:26:44,374 Max had died peacefully that morning 817 01:26:44,375 --> 01:26:48,540 after finishing his final can of condensed milk. 818 01:28:00,250 --> 01:28:05,999 You are my best friend. You are my only friend. 819 01:28:11,583 --> 01:28:17,082 He smelt like liquorice and old books, she thought to herself, 820 01:28:17,083 --> 01:28:20,790 as tears rolled from her eyes 821 01:28:20,791 --> 01:28:24,749 the colour of muddy puddles.