1 00:00:57,207 --> 00:00:58,332 I canceled the last one. 2 00:00:58,500 --> 00:01:00,876 That's right. Now move, move, move, move. 3 00:01:02,253 --> 00:01:03,879 It's my very special recipe. 4 00:01:04,047 --> 00:01:06,548 We're not gonna make it if we don't hurry. 5 00:01:06,716 --> 00:01:08,509 You realize how late we... 6 00:01:09,844 --> 00:01:11,595 I told you, you're gonna break those toys. 7 00:01:11,763 --> 00:01:12,846 Just stop. 8 00:01:13,014 --> 00:01:15,724 Oh, wow! Wait! Santa Claus, come quick. Look. 9 00:01:15,892 --> 00:01:17,351 Incoming! 10 00:01:18,436 --> 00:01:20,104 Take cover! 11 00:01:29,072 --> 00:01:31,323 Let's get them! 12 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:35,411 Come on over here! 13 00:01:35,954 --> 00:01:37,913 Hurry up! Hurry! 14 00:01:49,509 --> 00:01:51,093 It's Lee Majors! 15 00:01:51,594 --> 00:01:53,762 The Six Million Dollar Man. 16 00:01:53,930 --> 00:01:55,973 Santa, is there a back way out of this place? 17 00:01:56,141 --> 00:01:57,141 Of course there is, Lee. 18 00:01:57,308 --> 00:01:59,935 But this is one Santa that's going out the front door. 19 00:02:00,103 --> 00:02:02,062 Look, it don't matter a hill of beans what happens to me. 20 00:02:02,230 --> 00:02:03,897 The world couldn't afford it if anything happened to you. 21 00:02:04,065 --> 00:02:04,898 Now you stay put. 22 00:02:05,275 --> 00:02:07,067 That's very nice of you, Lee. 23 00:02:07,986 --> 00:02:11,780 And, Lee, you've been a real good boy this year. 24 00:02:12,282 --> 00:02:14,825 - Yes, you sure have. - Yeah! 25 00:02:15,493 --> 00:02:18,871 7:00. Psychos seize Santa's workshop. 26 00:02:19,039 --> 00:02:20,122 Eat this. 27 00:02:20,290 --> 00:02:22,041 And only Lee Majors can stop them. 28 00:02:22,500 --> 00:02:25,127 The Night the Reindeer Died. 29 00:02:29,382 --> 00:02:31,842 8:30, and America's best-loved singer 30 00:02:32,010 --> 00:02:35,054 invites you to share a home-style holiday 31 00:02:36,681 --> 00:02:40,309 when it's Bob Goulet's Old Fashioned Cajun Christmas. 32 00:02:47,025 --> 00:02:50,194 9:00, IBC presents America's favorite family 33 00:02:50,361 --> 00:02:52,446 in a special Christmas episode. 34 00:02:52,989 --> 00:02:55,866 Hi, Mom. Where's Dad? He should have been home by now. 35 00:02:56,326 --> 00:02:59,495 Well, Wally, if I know your father, he's out chasing Beaver. 36 00:02:59,662 --> 00:03:01,872 Father Loves Beaver. 37 00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:05,834 Here on IBC. You'll love it. 38 00:03:29,526 --> 00:03:31,401 Show me the Scrooge promo. 39 00:03:43,706 --> 00:03:46,458 It was a cold, bleak Christmas... 40 00:03:46,626 --> 00:03:51,088 10:00, IBC presents live, via satellite from New York, 41 00:03:51,256 --> 00:03:55,676 Bethlehem, Helsinki, West Berlin, and the Great Barrier Reef, 42 00:03:55,844 --> 00:03:58,428 Charles Dickens' immortal Christmas classic, 43 00:03:58,596 --> 00:03:59,805 Scrooge. 44 00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:01,181 Starring Buddy Hackett, 45 00:04:01,349 --> 00:04:02,349 Jamie Farr, 46 00:04:02,517 --> 00:04:03,809 the Solid Gold Dancers, 47 00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:06,895 and Mary Lou Retton as Tiny Tim. 48 00:04:07,063 --> 00:04:08,856 Hosted by Sir John Houseman. 49 00:04:09,023 --> 00:04:10,023 Bah, humbug. 50 00:04:10,191 --> 00:04:12,317 Scrooge. It will touch your every heartstring. 51 00:04:12,485 --> 00:04:14,903 That's right. It all starts on Christmas Eve. 52 00:04:15,071 --> 00:04:17,364 Christmas Eve on IBC. 53 00:04:17,532 --> 00:04:19,032 You'll love it. 54 00:04:23,496 --> 00:04:24,955 Oh, my gosh, 55 00:04:25,790 --> 00:04:27,291 does that suck. 56 00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:40,929 You know who loves Mary Lou Retton, Frank? 57 00:04:41,097 --> 00:04:42,347 My kids. 58 00:04:42,932 --> 00:04:45,809 - Yeah. - Children love an acrobat. 59 00:04:50,148 --> 00:04:51,982 Oh, God. 60 00:04:52,483 --> 00:04:56,778 We have spent $40 million on a live TV show. 61 00:04:56,946 --> 00:05:00,699 You guys have got an ad with America's favorite old fart 62 00:05:01,159 --> 00:05:04,620 reading a book in front of a fireplace! 63 00:05:06,915 --> 00:05:10,292 Now I have to kill all of you. 64 00:05:18,134 --> 00:05:20,385 Mother, help me. 65 00:05:21,137 --> 00:05:22,554 Excuse me, sir. 66 00:05:22,722 --> 00:05:24,890 I don't wanna be out of line here, but... 67 00:05:25,058 --> 00:05:28,227 Well, we've been running that spot now for over a month and, 68 00:05:28,394 --> 00:05:30,812 well, it's getting a hell of a response. 69 00:05:32,982 --> 00:05:35,234 I am the youngest president 70 00:05:35,693 --> 00:05:38,820 in the history of television, for a reason. 71 00:05:39,614 --> 00:05:41,281 I know the people. 72 00:05:43,326 --> 00:05:45,202 Well, granted, 73 00:05:45,370 --> 00:05:47,871 but the people already wanna watch the show. 74 00:05:50,541 --> 00:05:52,417 That isn't good enough! 75 00:05:52,919 --> 00:05:55,921 They have gotta be so scared to miss it! 76 00:05:56,089 --> 00:05:57,547 So terrified! 77 00:05:58,383 --> 00:06:01,843 Now, if I were in charge, 78 00:06:02,136 --> 00:06:03,512 and I am... 79 00:06:08,559 --> 00:06:10,269 Perhaps I can help you. 80 00:06:10,436 --> 00:06:13,855 Here's the kind of thing I would have done. Grace, cue it up. 81 00:06:26,035 --> 00:06:27,369 Acid rain. 82 00:06:31,708 --> 00:06:33,458 Drug addiction. 83 00:06:34,961 --> 00:06:37,421 International terrorism. 84 00:06:39,215 --> 00:06:40,799 Freeway killers. 85 00:06:41,426 --> 00:06:43,010 Now, more than ever, 86 00:06:43,177 --> 00:06:46,096 it is important to remember the true meaning of Christmas. 87 00:06:46,264 --> 00:06:50,225 Don't miss Charles Dickens' immortal classic, Scrooge. 88 00:06:51,519 --> 00:06:55,063 Your life might just depend on it. 89 00:07:01,612 --> 00:07:02,779 Not bad, eh? 90 00:07:05,450 --> 00:07:07,951 I think they'll like it in the heartlands. 91 00:07:09,579 --> 00:07:12,914 I want it every hour, on the hour. 92 00:07:13,082 --> 00:07:14,666 I'll take care of it, Frank. 93 00:07:14,834 --> 00:07:18,086 Get me Standards and Practices in here. I want to see Reece. 94 00:07:18,546 --> 00:07:20,088 Excuse me, sir. 95 00:07:20,298 --> 00:07:21,506 Yes? 96 00:07:22,300 --> 00:07:23,633 Mr. Cross, 97 00:07:24,344 --> 00:07:27,763 what exactly does that ad have to do with Scrooge? 98 00:07:28,181 --> 00:07:29,639 Nothing. Why? 99 00:07:31,017 --> 00:07:32,684 Well, you can't show that commercial. 100 00:07:32,852 --> 00:07:35,145 If you run that, you're gonna... 101 00:07:35,313 --> 00:07:36,772 You're gonna frighten people. 102 00:07:36,939 --> 00:07:38,273 You think I'm way off base here? 103 00:07:38,441 --> 00:07:41,485 Yes. Well, you're a tad off base, sir. 104 00:07:42,278 --> 00:07:45,697 That thing looked like The Manson Family Christmas Special. 105 00:07:46,449 --> 00:07:48,658 Well, it's a little late to get this kind of feedback. 106 00:07:50,119 --> 00:07:53,580 That's because this is the first time I've ever seen it, sir. 107 00:07:53,748 --> 00:07:55,916 You're right. I sprung it on you. 108 00:07:56,084 --> 00:07:57,834 Well, it's not that bad, it's... 109 00:07:58,002 --> 00:07:59,294 Just lose, like, 110 00:07:59,462 --> 00:08:01,671 you know, the part with the gun and the blood... 111 00:08:01,839 --> 00:08:04,466 - All right, all right. ...and the guy shooting up, and the... 112 00:08:04,634 --> 00:08:07,010 If I can change it, I'll let you know in five minutes. 113 00:08:07,178 --> 00:08:08,720 Well, thank you, sir. 114 00:08:09,472 --> 00:08:10,597 Thank you. 115 00:08:10,765 --> 00:08:14,142 You know, in a lot of ways, I think we're a little bit alike. 116 00:08:15,269 --> 00:08:17,646 Sir, merry Christmas. 117 00:08:18,272 --> 00:08:20,732 - Thanks for the talk. - Thank you. 118 00:08:20,900 --> 00:08:23,360 We don't wanna scare the dickens out of people. 119 00:08:23,528 --> 00:08:24,986 Merry Christmas, Miss Cooley. 120 00:08:25,154 --> 00:08:27,406 The dickens out of people! 121 00:08:27,657 --> 00:08:29,074 Nobody gets me. 122 00:08:30,660 --> 00:08:32,452 Grace, who is that guy? 123 00:08:32,620 --> 00:08:34,830 - Eliot Loudermilk. - OK. 124 00:08:35,081 --> 00:08:37,082 Call Security. Have them change his locks, 125 00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:38,959 clean out his desk and toss him out of the building. 126 00:08:39,127 --> 00:08:40,377 He's fired? 127 00:08:41,796 --> 00:08:43,505 But it's Christmas! 128 00:08:43,673 --> 00:08:44,840 Thank you. 129 00:08:45,842 --> 00:08:47,843 Call Accounting. Stop his bonus. 130 00:08:49,804 --> 00:08:52,347 - A clear shot at his back. - Eliot Loudermilk. 131 00:08:53,182 --> 00:08:54,266 Code 9. 132 00:08:54,767 --> 00:08:56,435 Grace, what in the hell is this? 133 00:08:56,978 --> 00:08:59,604 Well, that's a painting one of my kids did. 134 00:08:59,772 --> 00:09:02,357 There's Santa Claus, and there's Mrs. Claus. 135 00:09:02,525 --> 00:09:05,068 Honey, how many fingers does Mrs. Santa Claus have here? 136 00:09:05,236 --> 00:09:07,529 - Eleven. - Eleven. Right. 137 00:09:07,697 --> 00:09:10,198 It's crap. Lose it. I don't want it on the walls. 138 00:09:10,366 --> 00:09:11,741 She'll understand. 139 00:09:11,909 --> 00:09:14,369 She's an amazingly understanding woman. 140 00:09:14,537 --> 00:09:15,871 I'll just come home and I'll say, 141 00:09:16,038 --> 00:09:19,332 "Hi, honey. We have to move to a studio apartment. 142 00:09:19,500 --> 00:09:20,542 I hope you don't mind." 143 00:09:22,712 --> 00:09:25,088 Mr. Cross, it's time for your Christmas list. 144 00:09:25,256 --> 00:09:27,841 OK, read me the list. I wanna get this over with. 145 00:09:28,009 --> 00:09:29,551 Sammy Goldberg. 146 00:09:30,052 --> 00:09:31,303 Bath towel. 147 00:09:31,512 --> 00:09:32,596 Lou Parker. 148 00:09:32,763 --> 00:09:34,973 Send him a VHS home video recorder. 149 00:09:35,141 --> 00:09:36,850 Colonel Tom Parker. 150 00:09:38,060 --> 00:09:39,394 The bath towel. 151 00:09:39,687 --> 00:09:41,730 - Tamara Forristal. - VHS. 152 00:09:43,483 --> 00:09:46,735 You know, there's a lot of virtues in taking a bus to work, you know. 153 00:09:47,236 --> 00:09:49,905 Hi, fellas. Thanks a lot and merry Christmas. 154 00:09:50,072 --> 00:09:52,532 - Bobby Lou Caluda. - The bath towel. 155 00:09:53,409 --> 00:09:56,328 Eliot Loudermilk's leaving early today. 156 00:09:57,121 --> 00:09:58,663 Move. Get out of here. 157 00:09:58,831 --> 00:09:59,873 Done! 158 00:10:00,416 --> 00:10:02,375 Four minutes and 40 seconds. 159 00:10:02,543 --> 00:10:04,294 Glenn Glenn Whitacre? 160 00:10:05,087 --> 00:10:06,796 What was the last rating on Police Zoo? 161 00:10:06,964 --> 00:10:09,633 5.2 Nielsen, 7 in share and a TVQ of 3. 162 00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:10,550 Towel! 163 00:10:10,718 --> 00:10:12,052 Your brother? 164 00:10:14,263 --> 00:10:16,681 - Towel. - Your only brother. 165 00:10:17,725 --> 00:10:19,392 Oh, God, Grace. Give it to me. 166 00:10:21,270 --> 00:10:22,270 Get that. 167 00:10:22,438 --> 00:10:23,772 Towel, towel. 168 00:10:23,940 --> 00:10:25,815 - Mr. Cross' office. - Towel. VHS. 169 00:10:25,983 --> 00:10:28,401 - Thank you. - Most of these are towels. 170 00:10:28,569 --> 00:10:29,778 Be wrong once, OK? 171 00:10:29,946 --> 00:10:32,072 Mr. Rhinelander's on his way down. 172 00:10:38,329 --> 00:10:39,538 Booze. 173 00:10:39,956 --> 00:10:41,289 Pardon me. 174 00:10:42,416 --> 00:10:43,542 Excuse me. 175 00:10:46,045 --> 00:10:47,045 Grace. 176 00:10:48,673 --> 00:10:50,632 Put yourself down for a towel, too. 177 00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:52,050 What about my bonus? 178 00:10:52,885 --> 00:10:54,302 Towel and a face cloth. 179 00:10:54,470 --> 00:10:55,595 Shit! 180 00:10:55,972 --> 00:10:57,597 - Frank. - Hey, Pres. 181 00:10:57,765 --> 00:10:59,724 - What a surprise. - Grace. 182 00:10:59,892 --> 00:11:01,560 You look great. You've been working out. 183 00:11:01,727 --> 00:11:03,228 Why didn't you tell me, Grace? 184 00:11:03,396 --> 00:11:06,106 Preston, just looking at some of this ink we're getting on Scrooge. 185 00:11:06,274 --> 00:11:07,899 Mary Lou Retton as Tiny Tim. 186 00:11:08,651 --> 00:11:10,151 Can you believe the first director didn't want her? 187 00:11:10,319 --> 00:11:11,319 - No. - Well, he does now. 188 00:11:11,487 --> 00:11:12,654 He go bye-bye. 189 00:11:12,822 --> 00:11:14,864 Hey, did you catch her buy on Tiny Tim? 190 00:11:15,032 --> 00:11:17,158 She doesn't just throw away the crutches and walk. 191 00:11:17,326 --> 00:11:18,827 She throws away the crutches, 192 00:11:18,995 --> 00:11:22,080 vaults over a lamppost, double somersault, 193 00:11:22,415 --> 00:11:24,499 back into one of these things. 194 00:11:24,667 --> 00:11:25,959 - Frank. - Killer. 195 00:11:26,127 --> 00:11:27,127 Yes, Preston? 196 00:11:27,295 --> 00:11:30,714 Have you any idea how many cats there are in this country? 197 00:11:34,176 --> 00:11:35,260 No. 198 00:11:35,928 --> 00:11:37,304 I don't have those... No. 199 00:11:37,471 --> 00:11:39,931 Twenty-seven million. Do you know how many dogs? 200 00:11:41,392 --> 00:11:43,184 - In America? - Forty-eight million. 201 00:11:43,352 --> 00:11:46,938 - Wow. - We spend $4 billion on pet food alone. 202 00:11:47,106 --> 00:11:48,481 Four? 203 00:11:48,774 --> 00:11:51,526 Now, I have here a study from Hampstead University 204 00:11:51,694 --> 00:11:55,572 which shows us that cats and dogs are beginning to watch television. 205 00:11:56,616 --> 00:11:58,783 Now, if these scientists are right, 206 00:11:59,035 --> 00:12:00,827 we should start programming right now. 207 00:12:00,995 --> 00:12:04,122 Within 20 years, they could become steady viewers. 208 00:12:04,290 --> 00:12:06,625 Programming for cats? 209 00:12:08,753 --> 00:12:10,462 Walk with me, Frank. 210 00:12:13,132 --> 00:12:14,924 Call the police. 211 00:12:19,472 --> 00:12:21,848 Now, I'm not saying, build a whole show around animals. 212 00:12:22,016 --> 00:12:24,142 - Oh, no. - All I'm suggesting 213 00:12:24,310 --> 00:12:27,395 is that we occasionally throw in a little pet appeal. 214 00:12:27,772 --> 00:12:29,272 Some birds, a squirrel. 215 00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:31,232 - Mice. - Mice. Exactly. 216 00:12:31,567 --> 00:12:33,860 Remember Kojak and the lollipops? 217 00:12:34,236 --> 00:12:37,739 What about a cop that dangles string? That's his gimmick. 218 00:12:38,032 --> 00:12:40,283 Lots of quick, random action. 219 00:12:40,660 --> 00:12:43,995 Frank, wasn't there a dormouse in Scrooge? 220 00:12:44,163 --> 00:12:47,749 No. But now that you say it, I always felt that it needed a dormouse. 221 00:12:47,917 --> 00:12:49,918 - Dormice. Better. - Bingo. 222 00:12:50,670 --> 00:12:54,172 Frank, this show is the jewel in the IBC crown. 223 00:12:54,507 --> 00:12:56,049 Everything is riding on it. 224 00:12:56,217 --> 00:12:59,552 Don't worry, Preston. I'm overseeing every aspect of production. 225 00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:00,887 We'll own Christmas. 226 00:13:01,055 --> 00:13:03,181 That's what I wanted to hear. 227 00:13:05,309 --> 00:13:07,435 - Lunch tomorrow? Chez Jay? - Right. 228 00:13:07,603 --> 00:13:08,770 - Up, Sid. - Yes, sir. 229 00:13:08,938 --> 00:13:11,189 - Study this. - Thank you. 230 00:13:11,774 --> 00:13:12,816 Oh, God. 231 00:13:13,234 --> 00:13:16,236 If only I could fire that poor son of a bitch. 232 00:13:17,279 --> 00:13:19,864 Hey, Frank! Hold that door, will you, pops? 233 00:13:20,032 --> 00:13:21,574 Wait for me a minute, will you? You don't mind? 234 00:13:21,742 --> 00:13:24,119 Hey, it's Brice Cummings. We met at Spago. 235 00:13:24,286 --> 00:13:25,578 Have you seen Preston? 236 00:13:26,288 --> 00:13:27,622 Preston just went back upstairs. 237 00:13:27,790 --> 00:13:30,750 I just dropped by to say hello. I went to school with the big guy's son. 238 00:13:30,918 --> 00:13:32,836 You give me a call when you hit the Coast, OK? 239 00:13:33,003 --> 00:13:35,964 Let's go. You know, so, anyway. So, Cosell said... 240 00:13:46,434 --> 00:13:48,852 Come here. Slam this door. Hard. 241 00:13:49,019 --> 00:13:53,440 Grace, I need a full report on a guy named Brice Cummings. 242 00:13:53,816 --> 00:13:55,275 He's an LA slimeball. 243 00:13:55,443 --> 00:13:57,819 OK. You're due at Helmsley Palace at 7:00. 244 00:13:57,987 --> 00:14:00,447 - And I'm gonna leave. I'm gonna take... - No, you're not. 245 00:14:00,614 --> 00:14:02,157 You're staying here with me. We're working late. 246 00:14:02,324 --> 00:14:03,825 I have to take my son to the doctor. 247 00:14:03,993 --> 00:14:06,494 Grace, when I work late, you work late. 248 00:14:06,662 --> 00:14:08,455 But I made the appointment two months ago. 249 00:14:08,622 --> 00:14:10,165 I care! 250 00:14:10,332 --> 00:14:13,418 We're indivisible. If I'm working late, you gotta work late! 251 00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:16,045 If you can't work late, I can't work late! 252 00:14:16,213 --> 00:14:20,133 If I can't work late, I can't work late! 253 00:14:24,722 --> 00:14:26,848 Oh, your brother's waiting inside. 254 00:14:27,641 --> 00:14:31,102 Oh, and I didn't tell him about his great Christmas towel. 255 00:14:37,526 --> 00:14:38,735 Francis. 256 00:14:39,945 --> 00:14:42,197 A little bit rough on her out there, weren't you? 257 00:14:42,698 --> 00:14:45,366 You know what they say about treating people badly on the way up? 258 00:14:45,534 --> 00:14:46,743 Yep. 259 00:14:46,911 --> 00:14:49,329 You get to treat them badly on the way down, too. 260 00:14:49,497 --> 00:14:52,665 It's great. You get two chances to rough them up. 261 00:14:58,047 --> 00:14:59,506 - Yeah. - Yeah. 262 00:15:03,052 --> 00:15:04,886 Why don't the cops do something about this? 263 00:15:05,054 --> 00:15:06,179 Excuse me, please. 264 00:15:06,347 --> 00:15:09,516 Great. Rip off the hicks, why don't you? Did you learn this song yesterday? 265 00:15:09,683 --> 00:15:10,725 Sweet. 266 00:15:10,893 --> 00:15:13,061 Frank, you don't like Christmas much, do you? 267 00:15:13,229 --> 00:15:14,979 Like it? I love it. 268 00:15:15,147 --> 00:15:17,398 It's cold. The people stay home and watch television. 269 00:15:17,566 --> 00:15:19,108 Ad revenues go up 30%. 270 00:15:19,276 --> 00:15:21,945 All these idiots are gonna be home watching the boob tube for me tonight. 271 00:15:22,112 --> 00:15:24,197 I am the biggest fan that Christmas ever had. 272 00:15:24,365 --> 00:15:27,367 So, any chance of you maybe making Christmas dinner this year? 273 00:15:27,535 --> 00:15:28,535 None. 274 00:15:28,702 --> 00:15:30,578 - Come on. Why not? - Don't start, James. 275 00:15:30,746 --> 00:15:33,289 Come on, the whole family will be there. It'll be fun. 276 00:15:33,457 --> 00:15:36,042 Look, you can have your concerned and wonderful dinner 277 00:15:36,210 --> 00:15:37,377 with all your cool friends 278 00:15:37,545 --> 00:15:40,296 and the real popcorn and the tree and cranberries and everything, 279 00:15:40,464 --> 00:15:43,007 send Christmas cards to each other on recycled paper. 280 00:15:43,175 --> 00:15:44,551 It's a crock, James. 281 00:15:44,718 --> 00:15:46,094 It's for kids. 282 00:15:46,762 --> 00:15:48,388 You know, I like seeing you. 283 00:15:48,556 --> 00:15:50,431 I like being with you. 284 00:15:52,142 --> 00:15:54,102 I want you to have a happy New Year. 285 00:15:54,270 --> 00:15:55,436 Taxi! 286 00:15:55,688 --> 00:15:57,021 Merry Christmas. 287 00:15:57,189 --> 00:15:58,565 Taxi! 288 00:16:00,109 --> 00:16:03,152 Excuse me, ma'am. I think you dropped something there. 289 00:16:04,029 --> 00:16:05,697 Hey, that's my cab. 290 00:16:05,865 --> 00:16:07,991 Oh, sir, please. I... 291 00:16:08,158 --> 00:16:09,492 Leona Helmsley's and step on it, will you? 292 00:16:09,660 --> 00:16:11,244 You son of a bitch, you should burn in hell! 293 00:16:11,412 --> 00:16:13,621 Bye-bye, grandma. Bye-bye. 294 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:19,377 I got into broadcasting because I like to give. 295 00:16:20,212 --> 00:16:24,090 Sometimes I found myself hurting from giving too much, 296 00:16:25,175 --> 00:16:26,801 and I'd say, "Stop it." 297 00:16:29,305 --> 00:16:31,389 I'm always gonna cherish this. 298 00:16:33,142 --> 00:16:34,142 And all of you. 299 00:16:37,271 --> 00:16:38,980 I should have went in there. 300 00:16:39,148 --> 00:16:41,858 I should have said, "Frank Cross, you gotta..." 301 00:16:54,914 --> 00:16:57,790 You stinking... You big dog, you... 302 00:17:05,758 --> 00:17:08,134 - $4.85. - Here's $5. 303 00:17:29,031 --> 00:17:30,031 - Mr. Cross. - Mr. Cross. 304 00:17:34,536 --> 00:17:36,663 Wasn't he a medical genius? 305 00:17:36,997 --> 00:17:40,875 Calvin, I think "doctor" is a Latin word for "thief." 306 00:17:41,251 --> 00:17:45,672 $200 I don't have to tell me that you don't speak. 307 00:17:46,131 --> 00:17:48,508 I'm your mother. I know you don't speak... 308 00:17:48,717 --> 00:17:49,717 ...yet. 309 00:17:51,595 --> 00:17:53,221 We'll show them, honey. 310 00:17:54,098 --> 00:17:56,557 You're gonna surprise a lot of people. 311 00:17:56,725 --> 00:17:57,892 Yes, you are. 312 00:17:59,228 --> 00:18:00,478 You start talking, 313 00:18:00,646 --> 00:18:02,814 then go to law school and sue his butt off. 314 00:18:02,982 --> 00:18:04,065 OK. 315 00:18:11,073 --> 00:18:12,156 Come! 316 00:18:15,786 --> 00:18:17,203 Who's there? 317 00:18:45,232 --> 00:18:46,941 This office is closed! 318 00:18:47,609 --> 00:18:49,235 This whole wing is closed! 319 00:18:49,820 --> 00:18:52,697 Grace! 320 00:19:12,176 --> 00:19:13,676 That was a good one. 321 00:19:15,304 --> 00:19:17,430 How are you, kid? You're... 322 00:19:18,807 --> 00:19:21,893 Will you excuse me? I'll make myself a little drink. 323 00:19:32,988 --> 00:19:36,657 I don't mind you hitting me, Frank, but take it easy on the Bacardi. 324 00:19:47,836 --> 00:19:49,128 God. 325 00:19:50,172 --> 00:19:51,964 To old times, my friend. 326 00:20:02,142 --> 00:20:04,769 Oh, my God. It's... 327 00:20:04,937 --> 00:20:08,773 Lew Hayward. Your old boss and your best friend. 328 00:20:08,941 --> 00:20:10,399 But you're... 329 00:20:14,988 --> 00:20:16,739 ...dead. - Seven years. 330 00:20:18,075 --> 00:20:19,909 Has it been that long? Jeez, I... 331 00:20:20,077 --> 00:20:23,830 I mean, to look at you, I wouldn't have guessed more than three, tops. 332 00:20:23,997 --> 00:20:25,498 Oh, Frank. 333 00:20:25,666 --> 00:20:27,792 Frank, you are in trouble. 334 00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:29,919 - Big trouble. - All right. 335 00:20:30,087 --> 00:20:32,088 Let's just say, for argument's sake, 336 00:20:32,256 --> 00:20:34,006 that you're right, that I am in big trouble. 337 00:20:34,174 --> 00:20:35,424 What exactly would that mean? 338 00:20:35,592 --> 00:20:38,302 Look at me. Look at your future. 339 00:20:38,470 --> 00:20:40,638 Now, if you don't change your ways, 340 00:20:40,806 --> 00:20:44,225 you're gonna wind up doomed, just as I am. 341 00:20:46,728 --> 00:20:49,981 One minute I'm on the 14th hole at Winged Foot, 342 00:20:50,149 --> 00:20:51,566 lining up a putt. 343 00:20:52,067 --> 00:20:55,403 A heart attack later, I'm a worm feast. 344 00:20:55,571 --> 00:20:57,363 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 345 00:20:57,531 --> 00:20:58,906 You're not a worm feast. 346 00:20:59,074 --> 00:21:02,535 You're a hallucination brought on by alcohol! 347 00:21:02,703 --> 00:21:05,204 Russian vodka poisoned by Chernobyl! 348 00:21:05,914 --> 00:21:07,582 I've been under a lot of pressure lately. 349 00:21:07,749 --> 00:21:09,667 - I've been putting on a big... - Silence! 350 00:21:11,962 --> 00:21:13,713 I had it all. 351 00:21:13,881 --> 00:21:15,756 I was a captain of industry, 352 00:21:16,967 --> 00:21:19,886 feared by men, adored by women. 353 00:21:20,053 --> 00:21:24,473 Adored! Let's be honest, Lew. You paid for the women. 354 00:21:24,641 --> 00:21:28,561 I'm warning you, Frank. Don't waste your life as I did mine. 355 00:21:28,729 --> 00:21:31,772 Waste? How can you say that. You're a legend in this business. 356 00:21:31,940 --> 00:21:33,566 You are the man who invented the miniseries. 357 00:21:33,734 --> 00:21:36,402 Mankind should have been my business. 358 00:21:36,612 --> 00:21:40,239 Charity, mercy, kindness, that should have been my business. 359 00:21:40,407 --> 00:21:42,533 Don't wait. Get yourself involved. 360 00:21:42,701 --> 00:21:44,493 Now it's too late for me, but it's not for you. 361 00:21:44,661 --> 00:21:45,995 You can be saved. 362 00:21:46,163 --> 00:21:50,416 You are going to be visited by three ghosts. 363 00:21:51,168 --> 00:21:53,377 - Three ghosts. - Three ghosts, Frank. 364 00:21:53,545 --> 00:21:56,631 Expect the first one tomorrow at noon. 365 00:21:57,341 --> 00:21:59,342 God, tomorrow's bad for me, Lew. 366 00:21:59,509 --> 00:22:02,220 As a matter of fact, the whole rest of the week is a washout. 367 00:22:02,387 --> 00:22:04,472 Well, maybe we could have drinks, say, Thursday. 368 00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:06,307 You, me, the ghost. Trader Vic's around 4:00? 369 00:22:06,475 --> 00:22:09,518 This is no joke, Frank. This is your last chance! 370 00:22:09,686 --> 00:22:12,647 All right. I could squeeze you in for a breakfast. 371 00:22:17,444 --> 00:22:19,487 Oh, no, please. They'll think I'm a suicide. 372 00:22:20,113 --> 00:22:21,239 No. 373 00:22:22,824 --> 00:22:24,325 Oh, God. 374 00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:27,286 We're way up here. Give me a break. 375 00:22:28,497 --> 00:22:30,122 - You can be saved. - Don't let go! 376 00:22:30,290 --> 00:22:32,500 - Don't let me go, Lew! God bless you! - You've got time! 377 00:22:33,043 --> 00:22:35,336 No, no. No, please! 378 00:22:41,843 --> 00:22:44,262 - Merry Christmas. - Don't let me go, Lew! 379 00:23:07,619 --> 00:23:10,037 Hi, this is Claire Phillips. I'm not here, as usual. 380 00:23:10,205 --> 00:23:12,081 Leave a message for me and I'll call you right back. 381 00:23:12,249 --> 00:23:13,958 Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas. 382 00:23:14,501 --> 00:23:15,960 Speak at the beep. 383 00:23:17,129 --> 00:23:18,546 Claire! 384 00:23:19,965 --> 00:23:22,091 This is Frank Cross. 385 00:23:23,093 --> 00:23:24,719 I know it's been... 386 00:23:26,513 --> 00:23:27,555 ...15 years since we talked 387 00:23:29,099 --> 00:23:31,726 but I really need to talk to you right now. 388 00:23:31,893 --> 00:23:34,228 I... Something terrible has happened. 389 00:23:37,316 --> 00:23:39,734 Or maybe not. I don't know. But I... 390 00:23:39,901 --> 00:23:42,737 Whatever, I have to talk to you, no matter what. It's urgent. 391 00:23:42,904 --> 00:23:44,405 Call me at any hour. 392 00:23:44,573 --> 00:23:47,199 My number is 674-9565. 393 00:23:47,576 --> 00:23:51,162 674-95... Damn! 394 00:24:20,150 --> 00:24:21,275 Well? 395 00:24:21,777 --> 00:24:24,320 - Well, what? - Did you get the bonus? 396 00:24:26,406 --> 00:24:28,407 I'm drying my head with it. 397 00:24:31,828 --> 00:24:33,621 Hey, we'll be all right. Don't worry. 398 00:24:33,789 --> 00:24:36,957 - What are you doing in there? - Trimming the tree. 399 00:24:37,125 --> 00:24:39,627 - We don't have a tree, Mom. - We do now. 400 00:24:40,962 --> 00:24:42,671 - No! - Yes. 401 00:24:42,839 --> 00:24:44,715 Don't plug him in! 402 00:24:44,883 --> 00:24:45,883 Plug him in. 403 00:24:48,011 --> 00:24:49,970 - Look at the little angel. - Take it off. Take it off. 404 00:24:50,138 --> 00:24:51,263 Take it off of him. 405 00:24:51,431 --> 00:24:53,724 But, Mom, he looks so pretty. 406 00:24:53,892 --> 00:24:55,851 He look even cuter than last year. 407 00:24:56,019 --> 00:24:57,144 Look at Granny, darling. 408 00:24:57,312 --> 00:24:59,146 Mom, when are we going to get a real tree? 409 00:24:59,481 --> 00:25:00,606 When they're free. 410 00:25:03,068 --> 00:25:05,194 Have you seen this morning's paper, Frank? 411 00:25:05,362 --> 00:25:08,864 - Who's that? She's pretty. - She's dead, Frank. 412 00:25:09,032 --> 00:25:11,242 Apparently, this 80-year-old grandmother 413 00:25:11,410 --> 00:25:14,245 was watching your Scrooge promo last night and she just... 414 00:25:14,413 --> 00:25:16,288 She just keeled over. 415 00:25:16,623 --> 00:25:18,499 It scared her to death. 416 00:25:23,296 --> 00:25:24,922 This is terrific! 417 00:25:25,632 --> 00:25:27,508 I knew that ad worked! 418 00:25:28,385 --> 00:25:30,845 You can't buy publicity like this! 419 00:25:33,306 --> 00:25:34,557 Excuse me. 420 00:25:37,686 --> 00:25:39,895 Mr. Cross, you're needed on the set. 421 00:25:42,065 --> 00:25:44,275 I want that promo run every half hour. 422 00:25:44,443 --> 00:25:45,818 I want a disclaimer at the top. 423 00:25:45,986 --> 00:25:48,154 "Anyone with a heart condition must leave the room." 424 00:25:48,321 --> 00:25:49,321 Will do, Frank. 425 00:25:49,489 --> 00:25:50,781 Right. Where were we? 426 00:25:51,032 --> 00:25:52,950 Buzz, I was being haunted. 427 00:25:53,118 --> 00:25:54,118 OK. 428 00:25:54,286 --> 00:25:56,370 No, it's gotta be real gold. 429 00:25:57,289 --> 00:25:58,289 I don't understand... 430 00:25:58,457 --> 00:25:59,874 You can't do this at the eleventh hour. 431 00:26:00,041 --> 00:26:01,375 ...why I can't possibly get anybody 432 00:26:01,543 --> 00:26:02,877 - to do what I want them to do. - Oh, jeez. 433 00:26:03,044 --> 00:26:04,462 - Give me a break. - I'm sorry, Mr. Cross. 434 00:26:04,629 --> 00:26:07,381 I am the censor, and I will not allow this costume on the air. 435 00:26:07,549 --> 00:26:08,549 Why not? 436 00:26:08,717 --> 00:26:12,178 Well, specifically, you can see her nipples. 437 00:26:12,471 --> 00:26:14,013 I want to see her nipples! 438 00:26:14,181 --> 00:26:16,390 But this is a Christmas show! 439 00:26:16,558 --> 00:26:19,852 Well, Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples then. 440 00:26:20,937 --> 00:26:22,855 You can hardly see them nipples. 441 00:26:23,023 --> 00:26:25,483 See? And these guys are really looking. 442 00:26:25,692 --> 00:26:27,443 You can go shake a tail feather. Thanks. 443 00:26:27,611 --> 00:26:29,653 And thank you. You can just go. 444 00:26:30,322 --> 00:26:31,739 Watch out. 445 00:26:33,575 --> 00:26:35,159 Thanks, boys. Get the nurse. 446 00:26:35,911 --> 00:26:37,786 Get the nurse. Get the nurse! 447 00:26:38,371 --> 00:26:40,247 Make sure her nipples are covered up, will you? 448 00:26:40,415 --> 00:26:44,168 Lumpy! 449 00:26:57,724 --> 00:26:58,724 Hi. 450 00:27:01,937 --> 00:27:03,854 I'm sorry to just... 451 00:27:04,022 --> 00:27:06,440 Well, I didn't get your message until this morning. 452 00:27:06,608 --> 00:27:09,860 And I tried to call but they said that you weren't in yet. 453 00:27:10,028 --> 00:27:13,989 And then I tried to call back and they said that you were busy, so I just... 454 00:27:15,242 --> 00:27:16,909 God, you look different. 455 00:27:17,619 --> 00:27:19,161 Well, it's been a while. 456 00:27:20,288 --> 00:27:21,830 It's your hair. 457 00:27:22,207 --> 00:27:25,543 I've never seen it so short. It makes you look sort of 458 00:27:25,710 --> 00:27:26,710 grown-up. 459 00:27:28,630 --> 00:27:29,922 Yo, Frank. Frank! 460 00:27:30,090 --> 00:27:32,424 I mean, Mr. Cross. Check this out, man. 461 00:27:32,592 --> 00:27:36,470 Girls are tough. It's on the money. Check it. Come on. Here we go, ladies. 462 00:27:36,638 --> 00:27:38,514 Would you excuse me for a moment, please? 463 00:27:38,682 --> 00:27:40,516 Five, six, seven, hit it! 464 00:27:44,312 --> 00:27:46,063 - Can I turn her head? - No. 465 00:27:46,231 --> 00:27:48,274 All right. That works. See? 466 00:27:48,441 --> 00:27:50,901 And boom! And boom! 467 00:27:51,069 --> 00:27:52,903 Little booty here for you. 468 00:27:54,072 --> 00:27:55,823 See? Show me a nipple. 469 00:27:55,991 --> 00:27:59,451 See, you just had to see it in context. Can you move her, please? Thanks. 470 00:27:59,619 --> 00:28:01,078 Alley-oop. 471 00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:03,289 Is she gonna be all right? 472 00:28:03,456 --> 00:28:07,001 Oh, yeah. She's a real pro. She's very professional. 473 00:28:07,752 --> 00:28:09,920 What about you? You sounded like you'd seen a ghost. 474 00:28:11,673 --> 00:28:12,923 A ghost? 475 00:28:13,842 --> 00:28:16,010 You mean the phone call last night? 476 00:28:17,470 --> 00:28:20,556 I came across your number and I just had to call you immediately. 477 00:28:20,724 --> 00:28:24,893 I know you, Lumpy. I know that voice. That was the frightened Lumpy I heard. 478 00:28:25,061 --> 00:28:26,312 Excuse me, Lumpy. 479 00:28:26,479 --> 00:28:29,231 Around these parts, most people call me Mr. Cross. 480 00:28:29,399 --> 00:28:31,483 I'm sorry. I'm new here and I got a problem. 481 00:28:31,651 --> 00:28:32,985 I'll bet. What? 482 00:28:33,153 --> 00:28:35,237 Well, my problem is this little fella. 483 00:28:36,323 --> 00:28:39,199 I can't get the antlers glued onto this little guy. 484 00:28:39,367 --> 00:28:41,076 We've tried Krazy Glue, but it don't work. 485 00:28:41,244 --> 00:28:43,370 - Have you tried staples? - Staples? 486 00:28:43,538 --> 00:28:44,747 Don't you dare. 487 00:28:44,914 --> 00:28:47,499 If you staple that little mouse, I'll call the Humane Society. 488 00:28:47,667 --> 00:28:48,667 I'm not kidding. 489 00:28:48,835 --> 00:28:50,628 I wouldn't do anything in the world to hurt this little fella. 490 00:28:50,795 --> 00:28:53,464 Hey, Marlin Perkins. The road. 491 00:28:53,632 --> 00:28:54,673 I have three dogs and a cat at home. 492 00:28:54,841 --> 00:28:57,593 Oh, beautiful story. Tell Reader's Digest, will you? 493 00:28:59,054 --> 00:29:00,304 Staples? 494 00:29:02,015 --> 00:29:03,682 Same old Claire. 495 00:29:04,225 --> 00:29:05,934 Still trying to save the world. 496 00:29:07,062 --> 00:29:08,854 You still trying to run it? 497 00:29:10,607 --> 00:29:12,232 Hip-hop, hip-hop. Let's go. 498 00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:14,652 - Get out of here! - Oh, OK. 499 00:29:15,070 --> 00:29:17,988 - You called me. - Who are you anyway? 500 00:29:18,823 --> 00:29:20,199 You little worm. 501 00:29:20,867 --> 00:29:23,410 Who are you? How'd you get in here? 502 00:29:23,578 --> 00:29:26,580 Well, maybe you'll answer some questions downtown, huh, my friend? 503 00:29:26,748 --> 00:29:28,666 What the hell is going on? 504 00:29:29,751 --> 00:29:32,711 - This is my little boy. - All right, you beat him. 505 00:29:33,338 --> 00:29:35,339 - Does he work here? - No, he does not. 506 00:29:35,507 --> 00:29:38,759 I thought it would be fun for him to see a live television show. 507 00:29:38,927 --> 00:29:40,928 You see anybody having fun here? 508 00:29:43,098 --> 00:29:44,848 Why are you so angry? 509 00:29:45,016 --> 00:29:47,309 Why haven't you ever learned how to button a coat? 510 00:29:47,477 --> 00:29:48,686 Well... 511 00:29:48,895 --> 00:29:51,397 You know me. I just... I was in a hurry. 512 00:29:52,649 --> 00:29:55,275 - Heads up. - Heads up. Ladder coming through. 513 00:29:59,406 --> 00:30:01,865 I'm sorry to have called so late last night. 514 00:30:02,033 --> 00:30:03,992 I must have woken up your husband and your kids. 515 00:30:04,160 --> 00:30:08,080 No, no. I've never gotten married. I'm still on my own. 516 00:30:08,248 --> 00:30:09,248 You? 517 00:30:10,542 --> 00:30:11,625 No. 518 00:30:11,793 --> 00:30:13,210 - No? - No. 519 00:30:15,088 --> 00:30:17,840 Would you hold the goddamn hammering, please? 520 00:30:18,007 --> 00:30:20,175 - Yes, sir. - I better go. You're busy. 521 00:30:20,343 --> 00:30:22,136 No! No, don't go. 522 00:30:22,303 --> 00:30:26,265 Would you hold the goddamn hammering, 523 00:30:26,433 --> 00:30:27,725 - please? - Frank. 524 00:30:28,017 --> 00:30:30,269 Frank, what did happen last night? 525 00:30:32,480 --> 00:30:33,897 Claire, it was something that I ate. 526 00:30:34,065 --> 00:30:36,900 It was probably a bad clam or something. We don't know yet. 527 00:30:39,446 --> 00:30:42,322 Well, if it happens again... 528 00:30:44,325 --> 00:30:47,870 ...give me a call here. I'm hardly ever home. 529 00:30:48,037 --> 00:30:51,206 I'm definitely gonna call because I'm a seafood nut. 530 00:30:51,374 --> 00:30:53,584 And, you know, to not eat clams is... 531 00:30:53,752 --> 00:30:55,002 What the hell's life for? 532 00:30:58,006 --> 00:31:01,383 Would you please, for the love of God, 533 00:31:01,551 --> 00:31:04,219 and your own body, hold the hammering? 534 00:31:04,929 --> 00:31:06,138 Claire. 535 00:31:06,473 --> 00:31:08,974 Sir, it's the Times. They want a reaction to the woman's death. 536 00:31:09,142 --> 00:31:11,059 Well, we slapped her in the face and got her attention. 537 00:31:11,227 --> 00:31:12,519 It was probably something she ate. 538 00:31:12,687 --> 00:31:15,564 He said that it was probably something that she ate. 539 00:31:17,233 --> 00:31:18,525 This is Frank Cross. 540 00:31:18,693 --> 00:31:21,820 We at IBC are shocked and appalled by this senseless tragedy. 541 00:31:21,988 --> 00:31:24,031 Coming as it does at this season of giving... 542 00:31:24,199 --> 00:31:27,826 Would you please hold the goddamn hammering? 543 00:31:27,994 --> 00:31:29,244 Now! 544 00:31:29,412 --> 00:31:30,537 You got it. 545 00:31:39,589 --> 00:31:41,048 Oh, shit! 546 00:31:42,717 --> 00:31:44,301 I'm going to lunch. 547 00:31:44,886 --> 00:31:47,638 So, how's everything going, Frank? 548 00:31:47,806 --> 00:31:49,848 Couldn't be better, Preston. 549 00:31:50,016 --> 00:31:53,560 Mr. Rhinelander, hello. Mr. Cross. 550 00:31:53,728 --> 00:31:55,938 May I get you gentlemen something from the bar? 551 00:31:56,105 --> 00:31:58,065 Yes. I'd like a highball. 552 00:31:58,233 --> 00:31:59,775 I'll have a highball, too. 553 00:32:07,742 --> 00:32:09,868 You've heard from the embassy? 554 00:32:10,078 --> 00:32:11,245 Yes, everything's fine. 555 00:32:11,412 --> 00:32:13,080 We're gonna be switching live 556 00:32:13,248 --> 00:32:17,125 back and forth from our Scrooge in the studio to Berlin 557 00:32:17,293 --> 00:32:20,337 where we've got LeRoy Neiman painting the Wall for us. 558 00:32:20,505 --> 00:32:22,256 Then we're gonna shoot on out to Africa 559 00:32:22,423 --> 00:32:25,342 where the Holy Father is gonna bless the entire Zulu nation. 560 00:32:25,510 --> 00:32:28,345 We think it's the largest baptism of all time. 561 00:32:28,513 --> 00:32:30,264 That's just the point, Frank. 562 00:32:30,431 --> 00:32:32,599 I'm afraid you might be spreading yourself a little thin. 563 00:32:32,767 --> 00:32:36,603 So I've taken the liberty of hiring somebody to work with you. 564 00:32:37,522 --> 00:32:39,815 - Oh, great. - I knew you'd be pleased. 565 00:32:39,983 --> 00:32:42,109 I couldn't be more pleased. 566 00:32:42,652 --> 00:32:44,611 - Who is it? - Pellegrino, rocks, twist. 567 00:32:44,779 --> 00:32:47,948 Well, we meet again, huh? How are you? 568 00:32:48,116 --> 00:32:50,534 Oh, look at this. Blue is a bad color for New York. 569 00:32:50,702 --> 00:32:53,245 Frank, I realize this is coming at you pretty damn fast, 570 00:32:53,413 --> 00:32:56,540 but I want you to understand that my only function here 571 00:32:56,708 --> 00:32:59,042 is to take some of the burden off of your shoulders. 572 00:32:59,210 --> 00:33:02,129 A lot of men in your position would see me as a threat. 573 00:33:02,297 --> 00:33:03,505 It's only natural. 574 00:33:03,798 --> 00:33:04,882 That's me. 575 00:33:05,049 --> 00:33:08,969 You are going to be visited by three ghosts. 576 00:33:09,137 --> 00:33:12,139 Expect the first one tomorrow at noon. 577 00:33:12,307 --> 00:33:14,558 Frank, I realize this is coming at you pretty damn fast, 578 00:33:14,726 --> 00:33:16,685 but I want you to understand that my only function here 579 00:33:16,853 --> 00:33:18,687 is to take some of the burden off of your shoulders. 580 00:33:18,855 --> 00:33:20,814 A lot of men in your position would see me as a threat. 581 00:33:20,982 --> 00:33:22,733 It's only natural. But, whoop, that's me. 582 00:33:22,901 --> 00:33:25,360 Have you ever seen a watch like this? It's a real beauty, isn't it? 583 00:33:25,528 --> 00:33:26,570 My dad gave me this. 584 00:33:34,871 --> 00:33:36,038 But... 585 00:33:38,875 --> 00:33:42,377 But when Preston hired me this morning 586 00:33:42,545 --> 00:33:43,879 as a sort of, what? 587 00:33:44,047 --> 00:33:46,506 A consultant, I suppose you might say, 588 00:33:46,841 --> 00:33:50,010 I said to him, "Consider me just one of the team." 589 00:33:53,014 --> 00:33:54,973 My lacrosse coach used to say, 590 00:33:55,141 --> 00:33:58,060 "There is no 'I' in T-E-A-M." 591 00:33:58,227 --> 00:34:00,354 Here we are, gentlemen. 592 00:34:00,521 --> 00:34:01,730 - This one for you, sir. - Thank you. 593 00:34:01,898 --> 00:34:03,899 And one for you. 594 00:34:21,668 --> 00:34:24,753 - I'm terribly sorry. I... - Are you him? 595 00:34:25,546 --> 00:34:26,922 Are you him? 596 00:34:27,173 --> 00:34:29,257 Are you he? 597 00:34:30,259 --> 00:34:31,885 I'll take it away. 598 00:34:33,554 --> 00:34:34,554 Now don't... 599 00:34:35,807 --> 00:34:37,516 Don't come apart on me, Frank. 600 00:34:39,560 --> 00:34:40,602 No. 601 00:34:41,104 --> 00:34:43,689 No. What was that that your lacrosse coach said? 602 00:34:43,856 --> 00:34:45,732 No, the point is, Frank... 603 00:34:45,900 --> 00:34:47,693 Excuse me, gentlemen, are you ready to order? 604 00:34:47,860 --> 00:34:50,988 Great. Yeah. I'll have the California health plate. 605 00:34:51,155 --> 00:34:52,739 No dairy in that, huh? 606 00:34:53,449 --> 00:34:56,618 - How's the rack of lamb today, Bobby? - Excellent choice, sir. 607 00:34:57,578 --> 00:34:58,870 Sir? 608 00:35:00,623 --> 00:35:01,790 Oh, my God. 609 00:35:03,918 --> 00:35:04,918 Bobby. 610 00:35:05,128 --> 00:35:06,795 Bobby, look! Somebody save him! 611 00:35:06,963 --> 00:35:08,755 Oh, no. That's a baked Alaska, sir. 612 00:35:08,923 --> 00:35:10,966 No, that's a dessert. You wouldn't want that, sir. 613 00:35:12,010 --> 00:35:14,094 - Look! - Oh, no, no, no, sir. 614 00:35:14,262 --> 00:35:17,222 That gentleman had a meatloaf. You wouldn't want that, sir. 615 00:35:17,390 --> 00:35:20,267 It's not very... It's full of... Sir? 616 00:35:21,269 --> 00:35:24,396 - I'm gonna have... - Have? 617 00:35:24,564 --> 00:35:26,231 I'm gonna go have some air. 618 00:35:26,399 --> 00:35:27,733 Excuse me. 619 00:35:36,117 --> 00:35:37,576 I'm sorry. 620 00:35:38,578 --> 00:35:41,246 You know, I thought you were Richard Pryor. 621 00:35:55,011 --> 00:35:56,720 - Get me a cab! - Yes, sir. 622 00:36:09,525 --> 00:36:11,318 All right, cut through the park and take me over to... 623 00:36:12,904 --> 00:36:14,154 Hey, man! 624 00:36:17,325 --> 00:36:18,658 Watch out! 625 00:36:29,337 --> 00:36:30,670 Wrong way, jerk! 626 00:36:30,838 --> 00:36:32,964 Nice hit back there! Solid hit! 627 00:36:33,883 --> 00:36:37,385 - You're going the wrong way! - Relax, Frank. Enjoy the ride. 628 00:36:37,553 --> 00:36:41,014 - How do you know my name? - I know absolutely everything, Frank. 629 00:36:41,182 --> 00:36:44,476 You see, I'm the ghost. 630 00:36:56,656 --> 00:37:00,200 - You don't mind if I smoke, do you? - Smoke! Smoke! Just drive! 631 00:37:11,796 --> 00:37:13,088 Oh, thanks, pal. 632 00:37:24,809 --> 00:37:27,561 What did you do? What did you do? What did you do? 633 00:37:30,148 --> 00:37:32,065 That's not funny! Not funny! 634 00:37:33,401 --> 00:37:36,027 All right! Pull over! Pull over! 635 00:37:42,994 --> 00:37:44,953 - Where are we? - "Where are we?" 636 00:37:45,121 --> 00:37:47,247 You mean, "When are we?" 637 00:37:52,962 --> 00:37:54,254 Look out! 638 00:37:56,549 --> 00:37:59,301 Go back to Jersey, you moron! 639 00:38:01,596 --> 00:38:05,432 - Take me home right now. - You got it, pal. 640 00:38:13,733 --> 00:38:15,984 Welcome home, Frankie. 641 00:38:18,070 --> 00:38:19,446 Oh, my God! 642 00:38:21,199 --> 00:38:23,158 This is where I grew up. 643 00:38:23,618 --> 00:38:26,286 - I thought they tore this place down. - They did. 644 00:38:26,454 --> 00:38:29,122 Guess my dad hasn't put up our Christmas lights yet. 645 00:38:29,290 --> 00:38:32,834 Oh, for Christ's sakes, Frank, it's Christmas Eve. 646 00:38:35,296 --> 00:38:36,546 I get it. 647 00:38:36,714 --> 00:38:40,050 You're taking me back in time to show me my mother and father, 648 00:38:40,218 --> 00:38:42,469 and I'm supposed to get all goosey and blubbery. 649 00:38:42,637 --> 00:38:44,721 Well, forget it pal, you got the wrong guy. 650 00:38:44,889 --> 00:38:47,390 That's exactly what Attila the Hun said. 651 00:38:47,642 --> 00:38:51,686 But when he saw his mother, Niagara Falls. 652 00:38:52,313 --> 00:38:54,064 Let's get this over with. 653 00:39:03,658 --> 00:39:05,492 That was a great joke. 654 00:39:05,826 --> 00:39:07,494 I love that bit! 655 00:39:11,165 --> 00:39:13,333 Quiet. Somebody will call the cops. 656 00:39:13,960 --> 00:39:16,127 Oh, relax, Frank. 657 00:39:16,295 --> 00:39:20,799 They can't hear us. They can't see us. This is not live. It's like a rerun. 658 00:39:21,008 --> 00:39:22,384 Check it out. 659 00:39:24,053 --> 00:39:25,220 See? Here I am. 660 00:39:25,388 --> 00:39:27,931 We all drink our chocolate-flavored Ovaltine every day 661 00:39:28,099 --> 00:39:30,183 to help give us what we need for rocket power. 662 00:39:32,645 --> 00:39:34,354 The Lone Ranger! 663 00:39:39,193 --> 00:39:40,193 That's the... 664 00:39:46,367 --> 00:39:48,159 Hello, Earl. 665 00:39:55,960 --> 00:39:57,544 Here, Francis. 666 00:39:57,712 --> 00:40:01,214 I've got something for you. Merry Christmas. 667 00:40:01,799 --> 00:40:05,302 - A choo-choo train? - No, it's five pounds of veal. 668 00:40:06,721 --> 00:40:09,931 But, Daddy, I asked Santa for a choo-choo. 669 00:40:10,683 --> 00:40:13,893 Then go out and get a job and buy a choo-choo. 670 00:40:14,228 --> 00:40:16,563 Earl, he's only four years old. 671 00:40:16,731 --> 00:40:19,899 All day long, I listen to people give excuses why they can't work. 672 00:40:20,067 --> 00:40:22,736 "My back hurts. My legs ache. 673 00:40:23,571 --> 00:40:25,280 I'm only four!" 674 00:40:26,699 --> 00:40:28,533 The sooner he learns that life isn't given to you 675 00:40:28,701 --> 00:40:30,410 on a silver platter, the better! 676 00:40:34,081 --> 00:40:37,167 You know, we've all been doing everything we possibly can... 677 00:40:37,335 --> 00:40:38,668 I'm going up. 678 00:40:41,130 --> 00:40:44,007 Baby, don't watch too much TV. It's bad for your eyes. 679 00:40:44,175 --> 00:40:45,342 OK, Mommy. 680 00:40:47,219 --> 00:40:48,928 Merry Christmas, Frankie angel. 681 00:40:49,096 --> 00:40:51,389 Merry Christmas to you, Mama. 682 00:41:04,278 --> 00:41:06,946 Niagara Falls, Frankie angel. 683 00:41:15,664 --> 00:41:17,624 I was touched by a gift. 684 00:41:18,459 --> 00:41:20,960 A four-year-old kid receives what in today's marketplace 685 00:41:21,128 --> 00:41:23,922 is a $40 or $50 piece of milk-fed veal. 686 00:41:25,633 --> 00:41:28,093 Frank, you still spent the next 15 years of your life 687 00:41:28,260 --> 00:41:29,844 sitting on your ass watching television. 688 00:41:30,012 --> 00:41:32,806 Check the records, chump. I did some stuff. 689 00:41:33,516 --> 00:41:35,225 I was a baseball player. 690 00:41:35,393 --> 00:41:37,811 One year, I hit the home run that won the big game. 691 00:41:37,978 --> 00:41:41,314 That was the kid on The Courtship of Eddie's Father. 692 00:41:44,985 --> 00:41:46,361 There was another time, though, 693 00:41:46,529 --> 00:41:48,988 that I was running down a hillside that was covered with flowers, 694 00:41:49,156 --> 00:41:52,575 and there was a beautiful girl, like 15, with pigtails. 695 00:41:52,743 --> 00:41:54,411 - And she was waiting for me. - You are so pathetic! 696 00:41:54,578 --> 00:41:56,246 And her parents didn't know she snuck out of the house. 697 00:41:56,414 --> 00:41:58,998 That was the Little House on the Prairie! 698 00:42:02,753 --> 00:42:04,504 Was it the "Homecoming" episode of Little House? 699 00:42:04,672 --> 00:42:07,841 Yes, it was the "Homecoming" episode of Little House. 700 00:42:08,008 --> 00:42:09,217 Let's face it, Frank. 701 00:42:09,385 --> 00:42:11,803 Garden slugs got more out of life than you did. 702 00:42:12,972 --> 00:42:14,264 Name one. 703 00:42:16,016 --> 00:42:17,434 Take me to my office. 704 00:42:17,893 --> 00:42:18,935 Gladly! 705 00:42:22,189 --> 00:42:23,731 - Where are we? - It's your office. 706 00:42:23,899 --> 00:42:26,359 - Isn't that where you wanted to go? - What's going on? 707 00:42:26,861 --> 00:42:28,236 It's their Christmas party. 708 00:42:28,404 --> 00:42:30,363 They've had Christmas parties here 709 00:42:30,531 --> 00:42:32,615 since the dawn of the golden age of television. 710 00:42:32,783 --> 00:42:35,201 Till you took over, you big stiff. 711 00:42:38,706 --> 00:42:40,331 Merry Christmas. Pass those out. 712 00:42:45,754 --> 00:42:48,339 Brook, Brook. Hey, wait for me. 713 00:42:58,225 --> 00:43:00,435 Hey, hey! Hey, hey, Fred! Fred! 714 00:43:00,603 --> 00:43:03,354 - It's Frank, Mr. Hayward. - Frank. 715 00:43:03,564 --> 00:43:06,316 You didn't happen to notice a big Christmas party 716 00:43:06,484 --> 00:43:08,985 - going on around here, did you? - Yes, I did see one, sir. 717 00:43:09,153 --> 00:43:11,237 I'm gonna be right on it. I'm just gonna finish this. 718 00:43:11,405 --> 00:43:12,489 OK. 719 00:43:14,408 --> 00:43:17,327 - Merry Christmas! - Why, thank you, Tina. 720 00:43:18,829 --> 00:43:20,955 - Frank! Frank! - Oh, hi. 721 00:43:21,123 --> 00:43:23,041 - Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas, Tina. 722 00:43:23,209 --> 00:43:25,376 You're not leaving, are you? You wanna go get some Chinese food? 723 00:43:25,544 --> 00:43:27,629 Oh, wow, no. You're not supposed to eat that stuff. 724 00:43:27,796 --> 00:43:29,756 They found out that they're cutting up the alley cats 725 00:43:29,924 --> 00:43:31,633 and using them in chop suey. It's a real bummer. 726 00:43:31,800 --> 00:43:33,343 Don't eat that stuff. 727 00:43:34,178 --> 00:43:37,180 You idiot! You moron, get back there! 728 00:43:37,473 --> 00:43:38,932 I don't believe myself. 729 00:43:39,099 --> 00:43:40,642 What an idiot I am! 730 00:43:40,809 --> 00:43:42,143 Did you see that Tina? 731 00:43:42,311 --> 00:43:44,854 Frankie, I'm not that dead. Now come on. 732 00:43:45,022 --> 00:43:48,608 I must have been out of my mind! She was crazy about me. 733 00:43:48,776 --> 00:43:51,152 Not that one, Frankie. Not that one. 734 00:43:51,320 --> 00:43:52,320 This one. 735 00:43:55,157 --> 00:43:58,368 Cupid's arrow, right between the eyes. 736 00:43:58,536 --> 00:44:00,912 Oh, God! Are you all right? 737 00:44:01,080 --> 00:44:03,456 You know, you probably shouldn't move someone 738 00:44:03,624 --> 00:44:05,625 who's had a bad blow to the head. 739 00:44:10,047 --> 00:44:12,840 - Where did I get you? - You got me right here. 740 00:44:13,926 --> 00:44:15,760 And the sidewalk got me back here. 741 00:44:17,096 --> 00:44:20,139 It's gonna be quite a lump. I'm sorry. Here. 742 00:44:24,436 --> 00:44:26,271 Is this yours? 743 00:44:26,647 --> 00:44:28,481 Yes, it is. Thank you. 744 00:44:29,858 --> 00:44:31,401 You had some things, didn't you? 745 00:44:31,569 --> 00:44:32,735 - Yes. - Here. 746 00:44:36,240 --> 00:44:39,033 All right. Tell you what. I'll go down for them. 747 00:44:39,201 --> 00:44:41,160 OK. Good idea. 748 00:44:41,328 --> 00:44:43,830 - Wait for me. Yeah? - Yes, I'll wait. 749 00:44:51,088 --> 00:44:53,339 - Thanks, Lumpy. - Thank you. 750 00:44:55,384 --> 00:44:57,135 - Merry Christmas. - Say, 751 00:44:57,344 --> 00:44:59,012 would you like to go to a Christmas party 752 00:44:59,179 --> 00:45:01,431 - that's going on right now? - Not really. 753 00:45:01,599 --> 00:45:02,932 Neither would I. 754 00:45:04,560 --> 00:45:05,560 Young lady! 755 00:45:07,021 --> 00:45:08,563 Do you shop here all the time? 756 00:45:08,731 --> 00:45:11,482 Because if you do, I can walk on the other side of the street. 757 00:45:19,867 --> 00:45:22,577 Would you like to go get some Chinese food? 758 00:45:25,914 --> 00:45:29,167 - All right, what's going on? - You are gonna love this. 759 00:45:29,793 --> 00:45:31,502 - Claire? - Yeah. 760 00:45:31,670 --> 00:45:33,212 Claire? 761 00:45:33,964 --> 00:45:36,341 Yeah, what is it? I'm in the tub. 762 00:45:36,550 --> 00:45:38,843 Can't we open the presents now? 763 00:45:40,387 --> 00:45:41,804 What are you doing? 764 00:45:41,972 --> 00:45:43,181 Oh, come on, don't be a creep. 765 00:45:43,349 --> 00:45:45,850 - Yeah, you had it all, let me tell you. - Yeah. Look at something else. 766 00:45:46,018 --> 00:45:48,436 Hey, look, there's a gorilla climbing up on that big building. 767 00:45:52,524 --> 00:45:54,025 When can we open these? 768 00:45:54,193 --> 00:45:58,071 You can open one on Christmas Eve. That's what we always did in my family. 769 00:45:58,238 --> 00:46:00,782 You have to wait until Christmas morning to open the rest. 770 00:46:00,949 --> 00:46:02,075 Isn't that what you did? 771 00:46:02,242 --> 00:46:05,370 Well, if it were gonna spoil, we opened it the night before. 772 00:46:05,954 --> 00:46:08,706 Well, you wanna open this one? 773 00:46:09,124 --> 00:46:10,708 Is this for me? 774 00:46:23,055 --> 00:46:24,764 Knives! 775 00:46:25,182 --> 00:46:26,849 Oh, good! 776 00:46:27,643 --> 00:46:30,269 Oh, lots of knives. 777 00:46:30,938 --> 00:46:32,271 I got her these great knives. 778 00:46:32,439 --> 00:46:34,190 - They're super sharp. - I know, I know. 779 00:46:34,358 --> 00:46:36,109 - They don't make them in the States. - Ginsu knives. 780 00:46:36,276 --> 00:46:37,360 - They are really sharp. - They cut cans. 781 00:46:37,528 --> 00:46:40,488 You can cut a tin can as easily as a tomato. 782 00:46:45,077 --> 00:46:46,202 Your turn. 783 00:46:46,370 --> 00:46:49,956 I've never liked a girl enough to give her 12 sharp knives. 784 00:46:51,625 --> 00:46:54,293 OK. You're gonna like this. 785 00:46:56,338 --> 00:46:57,880 "To Lump." 786 00:46:58,549 --> 00:47:00,508 "Love, Claire." 787 00:47:07,015 --> 00:47:08,975 You're such an animal. 788 00:47:13,147 --> 00:47:16,232 "The Kama Sutra. The Hindu art of love." 789 00:47:17,151 --> 00:47:18,860 Read the inscription. 790 00:47:21,280 --> 00:47:23,197 No. You read the inscription. It says "Christmas," 791 00:47:23,365 --> 00:47:24,574 and then the rest is... 792 00:47:24,742 --> 00:47:26,451 - It's Sanskrit. - It's Sanskrit. 793 00:47:26,952 --> 00:47:30,413 I didn't need any kind of manual. I want you to know that. 794 00:47:33,250 --> 00:47:35,626 Don't blow the ending for me now. 795 00:47:38,255 --> 00:47:40,465 - Did that. - With who? 796 00:47:40,632 --> 00:47:42,091 - Did it. - Yeah. 797 00:47:42,426 --> 00:47:43,551 Done this. 798 00:47:45,179 --> 00:47:47,722 Done this. Buddy of mine did this. 799 00:47:48,891 --> 00:47:51,350 Now this is ridiculous. I don't believe this for a second. 800 00:47:51,518 --> 00:47:53,102 - What? - Says there's a place that 801 00:47:53,270 --> 00:47:55,563 you can touch a woman that will make her bark like a dog. 802 00:48:01,320 --> 00:48:03,029 Lassie's come home. 803 00:48:03,697 --> 00:48:06,407 Lassie, go get Gramps. Go get Gramps, Lassie. 804 00:48:07,159 --> 00:48:09,494 I wonder if you're female. Let's turn her over and find out. 805 00:48:09,661 --> 00:48:12,872 Hey. Oh, what a nice coat you have. 806 00:48:13,040 --> 00:48:15,958 I think I should give you a bath every week. 807 00:48:21,757 --> 00:48:23,633 Good morning, kiddos! 808 00:48:23,801 --> 00:48:26,052 This is Mike the Mailman! 809 00:48:26,220 --> 00:48:27,678 Hey, Frisbee! 810 00:48:28,555 --> 00:48:30,640 I got something for you. 811 00:48:31,183 --> 00:48:33,059 Come on. Oh, there he is. 812 00:48:33,227 --> 00:48:35,311 I really gotta watch out for this one, eh? 813 00:48:35,479 --> 00:48:39,440 What goodies does he have? Is it a pair of mittens? 814 00:48:39,608 --> 00:48:41,484 It's a bone! 815 00:48:42,402 --> 00:48:45,238 What could it be? Is it a book? 816 00:48:45,405 --> 00:48:47,073 It's a bone! 817 00:48:47,407 --> 00:48:49,367 You can't figure it out, can you, Frisbee? 818 00:48:49,535 --> 00:48:52,787 It's a bone, you lucky dog! 819 00:48:52,955 --> 00:48:55,331 It's a bone, you betcha! 820 00:48:58,919 --> 00:49:00,753 Oh, kids, isn't this terrific? 821 00:49:00,921 --> 00:49:02,672 Lassie's a pretty good friend, eh? 822 00:49:02,840 --> 00:49:05,550 And we're into a commercial break, folks. 823 00:49:13,308 --> 00:49:16,269 - Very good, kid. Very good. - Thank you. Thank you. 824 00:49:16,436 --> 00:49:18,145 So, how many reservations should I make? 825 00:49:18,313 --> 00:49:21,274 Oh, yes. There'll be you, me, my wife... 826 00:49:21,441 --> 00:49:23,484 No, your wife's in Palm Springs. 827 00:49:23,652 --> 00:49:26,320 Oh, yes, yes. I forgot. Of course. 828 00:49:26,488 --> 00:49:29,073 Well, I guess then it will be you and me. 829 00:49:31,451 --> 00:49:34,620 And Frank. Frank, I want you to have dinner with us tonight. 830 00:49:34,788 --> 00:49:36,080 - You and your girl. - Claire. 831 00:49:36,248 --> 00:49:37,456 Right, Claire. 832 00:49:37,791 --> 00:49:40,001 And order us a stretch limo, too. See you downstairs. 833 00:49:40,168 --> 00:49:41,502 OK. 834 00:49:42,838 --> 00:49:45,965 - Hello. Why, you're Claire. - Yes, nice to meet you. 835 00:49:46,133 --> 00:49:48,801 Oh, hi, sweetheart. 836 00:49:50,596 --> 00:49:52,179 You almost ready? 837 00:49:53,891 --> 00:49:56,142 The president of the network just invited us to dinner. 838 00:49:56,310 --> 00:49:57,435 Oh, no, we can't tonight. 839 00:49:57,603 --> 00:49:59,812 We're going to David and Kate's for dinner. 840 00:49:59,980 --> 00:50:01,522 We planned it for a month. 841 00:50:01,690 --> 00:50:04,525 But you can't expect a man like this to make plans a month in advance. 842 00:50:04,693 --> 00:50:06,819 We can have dinner with them next week. 843 00:50:06,987 --> 00:50:08,195 Next week? 844 00:50:08,363 --> 00:50:10,531 It's Christmas Eve. They're our best friends. 845 00:50:10,699 --> 00:50:12,450 It only comes once a year. 846 00:50:12,618 --> 00:50:14,076 Thanks, Phil, babe. 847 00:50:14,328 --> 00:50:15,912 Yeah, it is Christmas. 848 00:50:16,079 --> 00:50:18,247 It's a time to be a little bit less selfish, you know. 849 00:50:18,415 --> 00:50:21,876 Maybe if you could put my needs and the needs of the Frisbee Show 850 00:50:22,044 --> 00:50:23,544 ahead of your own needs... 851 00:50:23,712 --> 00:50:26,380 I mean, I have been fighting for the integrity of this show. 852 00:50:26,548 --> 00:50:27,715 This is the opportunity of a lifetime. 853 00:50:27,883 --> 00:50:30,301 - I'm sorry. - Sixty seconds! 854 00:50:31,428 --> 00:50:34,430 I guess I didn't realize how important it is to you. 855 00:50:35,307 --> 00:50:38,351 Well, I'm willing to forgive you once in a while. I am. 856 00:50:39,811 --> 00:50:40,811 Frank, look. 857 00:50:42,022 --> 00:50:45,107 Maybe we should separate for a while. 858 00:50:46,360 --> 00:50:48,069 - Excuse me. - Estelle? 859 00:50:48,236 --> 00:50:49,278 - Yeah? - When is that limo leaving? 860 00:50:49,446 --> 00:50:52,198 Oh, right after the show. You know how he is. 861 00:50:52,991 --> 00:50:54,367 For a while 862 00:50:54,993 --> 00:50:56,285 and see how it goes. 863 00:50:56,453 --> 00:50:58,746 I mean, I know you've been under a lot of pressure. 864 00:51:01,041 --> 00:51:02,541 Oh, it's been rough. 865 00:51:11,009 --> 00:51:13,844 All right. I'll try to come over later if I can. 866 00:51:14,930 --> 00:51:16,263 Fifteen seconds. 867 00:51:24,731 --> 00:51:26,983 I'll tell them that you got hung up. 868 00:51:29,277 --> 00:51:30,569 Lumpy. 869 00:51:33,281 --> 00:51:34,907 Merry Christmas. 870 00:51:38,370 --> 00:51:42,581 Five, four, three, two, one. 871 00:51:42,749 --> 00:51:43,749 OK, kiddos... 872 00:51:43,917 --> 00:51:47,044 You left Claire for Frisbee the Dog? 873 00:51:48,171 --> 00:51:50,506 Frank, let me sum this up for you. 874 00:51:50,674 --> 00:51:54,093 You don't know who you are, you don't know what you want, 875 00:51:54,261 --> 00:51:57,263 and you don't know what the hell is going on. 876 00:51:58,015 --> 00:51:59,598 I've made a few mistakes. 877 00:52:00,142 --> 00:52:01,684 I gotta live with that. 878 00:52:03,103 --> 00:52:05,187 But I know who I am. 879 00:52:05,689 --> 00:52:07,440 I know what I want. 880 00:52:07,858 --> 00:52:08,983 And I know what's going on. 881 00:52:09,818 --> 00:52:11,902 Hey, Frank. Over here. 882 00:52:12,070 --> 00:52:13,446 What's going on? 883 00:52:13,613 --> 00:52:16,240 How am I supposed to know? I'm only the ghost. 884 00:52:16,408 --> 00:52:19,118 So long, sucker! 885 00:52:20,704 --> 00:52:22,580 Hold on! Hello, taxi! 886 00:52:27,836 --> 00:52:32,214 I have seen your nobler aspirations fall off one by one 887 00:52:32,382 --> 00:52:35,593 till the master passion, greed, engrosses you. 888 00:52:37,304 --> 00:52:38,554 Farewell, Ebenezer. 889 00:52:39,639 --> 00:52:42,683 May you be happy with the path that you have chosen. 890 00:52:43,310 --> 00:52:46,854 Well, I am happy with the path that I've chosen, you little bitch! 891 00:52:47,022 --> 00:52:48,606 In fact, I couldn't be happier! 892 00:52:48,774 --> 00:52:51,442 What are you? Crazy? 893 00:52:51,651 --> 00:52:53,027 Yeah, Buddy, I'm crazy! 894 00:52:53,487 --> 00:52:55,112 Crazy like a fox! 895 00:52:55,280 --> 00:52:57,990 Crazy enough to see through your little tricks. 896 00:52:58,283 --> 00:53:00,493 I'm back. I can see now. 897 00:53:00,660 --> 00:53:02,912 No one could have been that simple and good, 898 00:53:03,080 --> 00:53:07,208 and sweet, and kind, and decent, yet caring, wonderful. 899 00:53:07,375 --> 00:53:09,710 Not on this planet! No, baby. 900 00:53:09,878 --> 00:53:12,880 Not unless they had something to hide, some sort of trick up their sleeve. 901 00:53:13,048 --> 00:53:14,840 You wouldn't try to trick me, would you? 902 00:53:15,008 --> 00:53:18,344 Don't try to trick me today because I'm back, Jack! 903 00:53:18,512 --> 00:53:21,972 Maybe we'll just check things out over there at Operation Reach Out. 904 00:53:22,307 --> 00:53:23,307 Pick a side, grandma. 905 00:53:23,475 --> 00:53:24,642 Goodbye. Thank you. 906 00:53:24,810 --> 00:53:27,186 ...blood drive. $20 a pint. Come on, folks. 907 00:53:27,354 --> 00:53:30,439 Here's a happy donor. Thank you so much. 908 00:53:31,858 --> 00:53:33,484 Merry Christmas. 909 00:53:36,947 --> 00:53:40,699 Well, just for the record, you left me. 910 00:53:40,867 --> 00:53:44,036 You had to go somewhere and get your head together or something. 911 00:53:44,204 --> 00:53:46,997 Well, baby, my head is just fine. Check it out! 912 00:53:47,165 --> 00:53:48,833 It's right here where it belongs! 913 00:53:51,837 --> 00:53:53,754 What's the point? It's lonely at the top? 914 00:53:53,922 --> 00:53:55,840 It's not lonely at the top. 915 00:53:56,007 --> 00:53:59,343 Oh, maybe around my birthday and at sunset. 916 00:53:59,511 --> 00:54:00,886 And there have been a couple of weekends 917 00:54:01,054 --> 00:54:03,764 that would have raised hell with even a really normal person! 918 00:54:04,599 --> 00:54:07,268 But that's me. I'm a widow of business. 919 00:54:07,602 --> 00:54:09,854 That's my life! I've chosen it! 920 00:54:10,021 --> 00:54:13,524 At least I work someplace that you can find when you're looking for it! 921 00:54:15,485 --> 00:54:17,862 OK, here we are now. 922 00:54:18,488 --> 00:54:20,739 When I want a wife, 923 00:54:20,949 --> 00:54:22,908 I'm gonna buy one! 924 00:54:24,077 --> 00:54:26,579 And she's going to be devoted to me, 925 00:54:26,746 --> 00:54:29,123 to my wants and my needs, 926 00:54:29,291 --> 00:54:30,833 not like you! 927 00:54:31,209 --> 00:54:33,419 Let's face it, you treated me like dirt! 928 00:54:33,587 --> 00:54:35,754 Oh, Lord! Another wild and wooly one. 929 00:54:35,922 --> 00:54:39,049 Honey, you look frozen. Come over here. 930 00:54:39,217 --> 00:54:41,260 Let me get you a nice hot cup of coffee. 931 00:54:41,428 --> 00:54:43,095 And now you sit right there, I'll bring it to you. 932 00:54:43,263 --> 00:54:44,513 Robert, get up! 933 00:54:44,681 --> 00:54:46,473 Hi, Dick. Herman. 934 00:54:47,559 --> 00:54:48,642 I'm Billy. 935 00:54:48,810 --> 00:54:50,561 Eva. Eva. That's me. 936 00:54:50,729 --> 00:54:53,147 - Oh, cocktail hour. - Drink for Mr. Richard Burton. 937 00:54:53,315 --> 00:54:55,024 - Drink up. - Here, Dave. 938 00:54:55,192 --> 00:54:56,817 Drink just for me. 939 00:54:57,360 --> 00:54:58,777 For you, Dave. 940 00:55:01,948 --> 00:55:03,532 That Dick sure knows how to live, huh? 941 00:55:03,700 --> 00:55:05,034 Why do you keep calling me Dick? 942 00:55:05,202 --> 00:55:07,119 I'm sorry, Mr. Burton. 943 00:55:07,287 --> 00:55:10,789 Maybe we don't know you well enough to call you Dick 944 00:55:10,957 --> 00:55:13,292 but after Exorcist II and Night ofthe Iguana, 945 00:55:13,460 --> 00:55:15,085 we thought we had something special. 946 00:55:15,253 --> 00:55:17,922 So could you please just do a couple of lines from Hamlet? 947 00:55:18,089 --> 00:55:19,882 - Please. - Or The Sandpiper? 948 00:55:20,050 --> 00:55:22,009 Leave me alone! 949 00:55:22,177 --> 00:55:25,721 - Do Cleopatra for me, please, Dick. - Please do it. 950 00:55:25,889 --> 00:55:28,390 - Please, do it for Eva. - Yeah. 951 00:55:28,558 --> 00:55:30,976 I am Mark Antony... 952 00:55:31,144 --> 00:55:33,520 All those who don't know Abyssinia, 953 00:55:33,688 --> 00:55:36,273 to know the rain before nightfall of Cheops. 954 00:55:36,858 --> 00:55:38,567 I swear. By thee I full swear. 955 00:55:38,735 --> 00:55:41,320 Oh, isn't that marvelous? 956 00:55:41,488 --> 00:55:43,864 - Now beat it before I beat you! - Eagles. 957 00:55:44,032 --> 00:55:46,158 - Where Eagles Dare. - Yeah. 958 00:55:47,953 --> 00:55:50,996 - Lumpy, what a surprise! - Oh, God! Oh, God! Claire! 959 00:55:52,249 --> 00:55:55,042 - What are you doing here? - Claire. Claire. 960 00:55:55,210 --> 00:55:57,711 Well, you said if it happened again, that I should come by. 961 00:55:57,879 --> 00:56:00,422 - Well, what happened? - Well... 962 00:56:02,175 --> 00:56:05,010 I have been thinking a lot about the past, 963 00:56:05,178 --> 00:56:07,429 and, you know, when that happens, you start thinking to yourself, 964 00:56:07,597 --> 00:56:10,140 "Well, I've made a lot of decisions, you know. 965 00:56:10,308 --> 00:56:12,518 And what would have happened 966 00:56:12,686 --> 00:56:14,979 if I had made different decisions?" 967 00:56:15,939 --> 00:56:17,439 Do you know what I mean? 968 00:56:17,607 --> 00:56:19,316 Are you talking about regret? 969 00:56:19,484 --> 00:56:22,111 Yeah, yeah, I'm talking about regret. Yeah! 970 00:56:22,279 --> 00:56:25,614 You know, the one good thing about regret is that it's never too late. 971 00:56:25,782 --> 00:56:28,033 You can always change if you want to. 972 00:56:28,910 --> 00:56:31,745 - I deal with that every day. - OK, well, deal with this. 973 00:56:31,913 --> 00:56:34,873 I wanna take you someplace right now 974 00:56:35,292 --> 00:56:38,294 and eat Chinese food. 975 00:56:38,586 --> 00:56:41,255 Claire, we got some huge problems this time! 976 00:56:41,423 --> 00:56:44,383 - There ain't a fuse in the whole joint! - Oh, no, there are fuses. 977 00:56:44,551 --> 00:56:46,427 I'll show you where they are in just a second, Hazel. 978 00:56:46,594 --> 00:56:48,929 - The A&P didn't send any turkeys. - No. 979 00:56:49,097 --> 00:56:51,640 Oh, no, they were supposed to be here hours ago. 980 00:56:51,808 --> 00:56:53,976 - Not one. - OK, I'll call them in just a second. 981 00:56:54,144 --> 00:56:55,561 - No... - Can you wait? Could you wait for me... 982 00:56:55,729 --> 00:56:57,604 Well, they can handle this. This isn't a big deal. 983 00:56:57,772 --> 00:56:58,939 I mean, it's just some fuses. 984 00:56:59,107 --> 00:57:00,816 You go down to the hardware store and you buy fuses. 985 00:57:00,984 --> 00:57:03,652 - What about the turkeys? - And the turkeys are at the A&P? 986 00:57:03,820 --> 00:57:05,487 - Look it up in the phone book. - No, no, no. 987 00:57:05,655 --> 00:57:08,449 It's under "A" and if you can't find it there, it's under "P." 988 00:57:08,616 --> 00:57:10,117 I have to call them myself. I'll call them in just a second, OK? 989 00:57:10,285 --> 00:57:11,535 You don't have to call them. 990 00:57:11,703 --> 00:57:14,038 These are big girls, very big girls, and they can do it. 991 00:57:14,205 --> 00:57:16,665 - Attagirl! - I'll be right... I'll be right there. 992 00:57:16,833 --> 00:57:18,876 - I'll be... - No, Claire, please. Fire these people. 993 00:57:19,044 --> 00:57:20,836 - Fire them? - Yeah, you fire them. 994 00:57:21,004 --> 00:57:23,630 They're volunteers. They're here out of the kindness of their hearts. 995 00:57:23,798 --> 00:57:26,550 They're volunteers because no one will pay them! They are incompetent! 996 00:57:27,427 --> 00:57:28,635 It's Christmas Eve. 997 00:57:28,803 --> 00:57:32,014 They're like this every day of the year. I guarantee it! 998 00:57:32,849 --> 00:57:36,477 Look, if you'll just wait one minute, I just gotta make the phone call... 999 00:57:36,644 --> 00:57:38,103 - No, don't bother. - Just a couple... 1000 00:57:38,271 --> 00:57:41,065 - Don't bother, OK? - If you'll just wait one minute, 1001 00:57:41,232 --> 00:57:43,192 let me just finish organizing what I'm doing, 1002 00:57:43,360 --> 00:57:44,526 I'll come with you, Frank. 1003 00:57:44,694 --> 00:57:45,986 Take the rest of your life! 1004 00:57:46,946 --> 00:57:50,324 I'm gonna give you some advice, Claire. Scrape them off. 1005 00:57:50,700 --> 00:57:53,202 You wanna save somebody? Save yourself. 1006 00:57:53,370 --> 00:57:56,705 Oh, that's a wonderful attitude to have on Christmas Eve. 1007 00:57:57,540 --> 00:57:59,166 Merry Christmas. 1008 00:58:02,796 --> 00:58:04,213 Bah, humbug! 1009 00:58:08,760 --> 00:58:10,094 Lumpy. 1010 00:58:12,097 --> 00:58:15,307 Hey, Dick, can you lend me $2 so I can heat my place? 1011 00:58:15,475 --> 00:58:17,142 Herman, I blew it all on Liz. 1012 00:58:17,310 --> 00:58:18,936 There's a sucker inside. 1013 00:58:19,229 --> 00:58:20,229 Thanks. 1014 00:58:20,563 --> 00:58:23,440 This is the last dress rehearsal, so let's get it right. 1015 00:58:28,405 --> 00:58:31,115 Come on, Buddy, it's your cue. Get moving. 1016 00:58:33,159 --> 00:58:34,618 Cue, Mr. Houseman. 1017 00:58:34,786 --> 00:58:38,831 "Ebenezer Scrooge hurried past the ragged boys 1018 00:58:38,998 --> 00:58:41,542 who stood shivering in the snow, 1019 00:58:41,709 --> 00:58:45,170 gnawed and mumbled by the hungry cold, 1020 00:58:45,338 --> 00:58:48,173 as bones are gnawed by dogs." 1021 00:58:48,967 --> 00:58:52,511 Why do I have to be molested by these sea urchins? 1022 00:58:52,679 --> 00:58:54,138 - Street urchins? - No, Buddy, baby. 1023 00:58:54,305 --> 00:58:56,473 Look, look, right here, Buddy. Here's what it says. "Street urchins." 1024 00:58:56,641 --> 00:58:59,017 I said "street." Why would I say sea urchins? 1025 00:58:59,185 --> 00:59:01,478 OK, everybody, what'd he say, huh? Sea urchins, street urchins? 1026 00:59:01,646 --> 00:59:03,480 - Street urchins. - Street, oh, oh. 1027 00:59:03,648 --> 00:59:06,650 He did say street urchins? I'm sorry, Buddy. You're right. 1028 00:59:06,818 --> 00:59:08,694 OK everybody. That's dinner, one hour! 1029 00:59:08,862 --> 00:59:11,697 That includes walking time! One hour! 1030 00:59:12,240 --> 00:59:14,408 You're doing great. You're doing great, Buddy. 1031 00:59:14,576 --> 00:59:15,617 We need more snow over here. 1032 00:59:15,785 --> 00:59:17,411 We gotta watch that boom shadow, huh? 1033 00:59:17,579 --> 00:59:19,371 You're right on my urchins. 1034 00:59:20,665 --> 00:59:23,083 Oh, Frank! Man! Baby, how are you? 1035 00:59:23,251 --> 00:59:25,752 Oh, God, we were so worried about you. Are you OK? 1036 00:59:25,920 --> 00:59:27,921 Everybody was worried sick, huh? You all right? 1037 00:59:28,089 --> 00:59:29,923 Listen, I call the meal breaks around here. 1038 00:59:30,091 --> 00:59:31,133 Oh, Frank, I'm sorry. 1039 00:59:31,301 --> 00:59:33,218 Look, if it means that much to you, I'll call everybody back 1040 00:59:33,386 --> 00:59:34,720 and you can tell them it's time to go to dinner. 1041 00:59:34,888 --> 00:59:38,307 Hey, everybody, hold on a minute, Frank's got something to say to you! 1042 00:59:38,475 --> 00:59:39,725 Go ahead. 1043 00:59:40,852 --> 00:59:42,936 I think it's time you and I had a little talk, Brice. 1044 00:59:43,104 --> 00:59:46,064 Frank, I'd love to but, you know, Preston asked me to stop by for a drink. 1045 00:59:46,232 --> 00:59:49,067 So if you don't mind, I'll take a rain check, OK? 1046 00:59:49,569 --> 00:59:52,237 Paul, where are you? I need a cigarette! 1047 00:59:55,492 --> 00:59:58,076 Hey. 1048 01:00:01,748 --> 01:00:08,170 Hey! 1049 01:00:18,014 --> 01:00:19,306 Hi, Frank! 1050 01:00:19,682 --> 01:00:22,726 Come on! Come on out and play with me. 1051 01:00:23,770 --> 01:00:26,063 One, two, three, four, 1052 01:00:26,231 --> 01:00:28,148 five, six, seven, eight. 1053 01:00:29,067 --> 01:00:30,734 ...two, three, four, 1054 01:00:30,902 --> 01:00:32,694 five, six, seven, eight. 1055 01:00:34,989 --> 01:00:37,616 Oh, I'm a little muddled. 1056 01:00:38,284 --> 01:00:39,952 Seven, eight. 1057 01:00:40,119 --> 01:00:42,579 One, two, three, four. 1058 01:00:42,747 --> 01:00:45,207 Oh, I'm so relieved. It's been so long. 1059 01:00:57,095 --> 01:01:00,430 Hello, Frank. I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present. 1060 01:01:00,598 --> 01:01:02,307 I had a funny feeling. 1061 01:01:03,977 --> 01:01:06,353 Why did you do that? 1062 01:01:06,521 --> 01:01:08,689 Sometimes you have to slap them in the face 1063 01:01:08,856 --> 01:01:10,649 just to get their attention. 1064 01:01:10,817 --> 01:01:13,318 Fine, slap me in the face. 1065 01:01:13,653 --> 01:01:16,780 - But you kicked me in the... - Hush, Frank. 1066 01:01:16,990 --> 01:01:20,200 It's time to begin our journey. 1067 01:01:20,827 --> 01:01:22,869 And now close your eyes 1068 01:01:24,247 --> 01:01:26,164 - and think... - No. 1069 01:01:26,374 --> 01:01:29,876 - You close your eyes! I'm through... - Oh, no. Don't be quarrelsome. 1070 01:01:30,044 --> 01:01:32,879 Close your eyes and think 1071 01:01:33,506 --> 01:01:36,383 of snowflakes, and moonbeams, 1072 01:01:36,551 --> 01:01:38,635 and whiskers on kittens. 1073 01:01:39,846 --> 01:01:41,054 No peeking! 1074 01:01:43,016 --> 01:01:46,310 Of rainbows, forget-me-nots, 1075 01:01:47,186 --> 01:01:51,356 of misty meadows and sun-dappled pools. 1076 01:01:54,902 --> 01:01:57,613 Oh, look, there's Mr. Hedgehog. 1077 01:01:57,780 --> 01:01:59,615 I wonder where he's going. 1078 01:01:59,782 --> 01:02:02,159 Perhaps to Harlem! 1079 01:02:03,703 --> 01:02:05,621 Oh! Oh, no! 1080 01:02:06,331 --> 01:02:07,623 I cracked you. 1081 01:02:09,417 --> 01:02:11,168 Oh, God, my jaw. 1082 01:02:11,878 --> 01:02:14,713 Sometimes the truth is painful, Frank. 1083 01:02:14,881 --> 01:02:19,551 But it's made your cheeks all rosy and your eyes bright as stars. 1084 01:02:19,844 --> 01:02:23,180 If you touch me again, 1085 01:02:23,723 --> 01:02:26,391 I'm gonna rip your goddamn wings off, OK? 1086 01:02:26,934 --> 01:02:29,853 You know I like the rough stuff, don't you, Frank? 1087 01:02:30,021 --> 01:02:31,188 Oh, God. 1088 01:02:31,356 --> 01:02:34,107 Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle Jingle, jingle, jingle bells 1089 01:02:35,151 --> 01:02:36,485 - Hi! - Hi! 1090 01:02:37,570 --> 01:02:39,696 - Come on, Calvin. - Hey, Calvin. 1091 01:02:39,864 --> 01:02:42,032 Merry Christmas, Cooley family! 1092 01:02:43,409 --> 01:02:45,952 Ma, you didn't have to come and get me. I could have rode the subway. 1093 01:02:46,120 --> 01:02:48,372 I don't want you riding the subway at this time of night by yourself. 1094 01:02:48,539 --> 01:02:49,539 - Are you ready? - Yeah. 1095 01:02:49,707 --> 01:02:52,250 - Good. - Hi, Mom! 1096 01:02:52,919 --> 01:02:54,211 - Come on, Mom. - Oh, get out of here. 1097 01:02:54,379 --> 01:02:56,421 - Hi, girls. - Hi, Mom. 1098 01:02:56,589 --> 01:02:59,091 "Hi, Mom." Is that all I'm gonna get? 1099 01:02:59,592 --> 01:03:02,719 Well, now I'm gonna get freshened up. I'm gonna leave in a minute, get ready. 1100 01:03:05,056 --> 01:03:07,224 Leave it alone. No one can do it. 1101 01:03:07,642 --> 01:03:10,811 Shasta, Randee, you two go wash up now, you hear? 1102 01:03:10,978 --> 01:03:11,978 OK, Gramma. 1103 01:03:13,439 --> 01:03:15,190 Think of your fellow man 1104 01:03:15,358 --> 01:03:18,276 Lend him a helping hand 1105 01:03:18,444 --> 01:03:20,654 Put a little love in your heart 1106 01:03:22,156 --> 01:03:24,991 Oh, look! He did it. 1107 01:03:25,159 --> 01:03:27,119 - He's a bright little guy. - Oh, yes. 1108 01:03:27,286 --> 01:03:28,412 What's wrong with him? 1109 01:03:28,579 --> 01:03:32,457 He hasn't spoken since he saw his father killed five years ago. 1110 01:03:32,625 --> 01:03:36,670 He just drifted away, like Sleeping Beauty. 1111 01:03:36,838 --> 01:03:39,798 I didn't know that Grace's husband had died. 1112 01:03:39,966 --> 01:03:41,007 Oh, Frank, 1113 01:03:41,175 --> 01:03:44,970 don't you remember that period when she wore black for a year? 1114 01:03:45,471 --> 01:03:49,349 I remember her wearing black but I thought it was a fashion thing. 1115 01:03:49,517 --> 01:03:51,977 I mean, people were wearing black, you know. 1116 01:03:52,145 --> 01:03:53,645 Oh, Frank. 1117 01:03:53,813 --> 01:03:55,772 My, my, poor Frank. 1118 01:03:56,482 --> 01:03:58,150 Well, is he gonna be OK? 1119 01:03:59,277 --> 01:04:02,863 It's his choice. Only he can break the spell. 1120 01:04:03,030 --> 01:04:05,657 You're gonna be a doctor soon enough. This is Christmas, honey. 1121 01:04:05,825 --> 01:04:08,452 Girls, put some love in his heart! 1122 01:04:08,619 --> 01:04:10,620 - Get back! - A little Christmas loving, go ahead. 1123 01:04:10,788 --> 01:04:12,581 A Merry Christmas. God bless us. 1124 01:04:12,749 --> 01:04:15,500 - God bless us, every one. - Leave me alone! Mama! 1125 01:04:16,169 --> 01:04:17,169 Mama! 1126 01:04:17,336 --> 01:04:19,796 Put a little love in your heart 1127 01:04:19,964 --> 01:04:22,507 Oh, oh! Come in, Frank. 1128 01:04:22,675 --> 01:04:24,676 Come in and join the fun. 1129 01:04:28,514 --> 01:04:31,349 What a lovely family, and they're so happy. 1130 01:04:31,517 --> 01:04:35,103 They're so happy but so poor, you tightwad! 1131 01:04:35,271 --> 01:04:37,481 I'll check my records. She may be due for a raise. 1132 01:04:37,648 --> 01:04:39,816 - May be? - Probably! 1133 01:04:39,984 --> 01:04:41,359 - Probably? - Yeah, yeah. 1134 01:04:41,527 --> 01:04:43,111 May be, probably, perhaps? 1135 01:04:43,279 --> 01:04:44,988 I'm almost positive. 1136 01:04:45,156 --> 01:04:47,115 - Get off your brother! - Get off me. Leave me alone. 1137 01:04:47,283 --> 01:04:49,493 This boy is mine! 1138 01:04:50,953 --> 01:04:52,454 That looks like fun! 1139 01:04:54,499 --> 01:04:56,792 Cut it out! Stop it! Stop it! 1140 01:04:58,211 --> 01:05:01,213 Don't forget to watch the show. I'm taking Calvin with me, Mama. 1141 01:05:02,548 --> 01:05:05,091 - More! More! - Hey, come on, Frank. 1142 01:05:05,259 --> 01:05:07,135 Next stop's downtown! 1143 01:05:14,936 --> 01:05:17,854 How was your trip, Frank? A little jump, huh? 1144 01:05:18,439 --> 01:05:19,898 Hi, Cujo. 1145 01:05:21,776 --> 01:05:23,109 Bark! Bark! 1146 01:05:23,861 --> 01:05:25,237 Who is here? 1147 01:05:26,739 --> 01:05:29,366 - What are you barking at out there? - Go, go. 1148 01:05:29,534 --> 01:05:31,701 You are really crazy. There's nothing there. Now come on. 1149 01:05:31,869 --> 01:05:33,161 Come on. 1150 01:05:33,621 --> 01:05:35,831 All right, let's get down to business. 1151 01:05:35,998 --> 01:05:38,208 I want you to stay here and I want you to... 1152 01:05:38,376 --> 01:05:41,211 Oh, my, what a merry feast. 1153 01:05:41,379 --> 01:05:44,464 - It looks like a beer commercial. - Let's go in. 1154 01:05:45,925 --> 01:05:47,592 Don't vex me, Frank, 1155 01:05:47,760 --> 01:05:49,970 or I'll fix your mouth so it won't hold soap! 1156 01:05:51,973 --> 01:05:55,350 A Christmas party. I'm so glad I wore my pretty dress. 1157 01:05:55,518 --> 01:05:58,895 "On The Addams Family, what musical instrument did Lurch play?" 1158 01:05:59,063 --> 01:06:03,942 On The Addams Family, what musical instrument did Lurch play? 1159 01:06:04,110 --> 01:06:06,862 - Piano. - I may be invisible but I'm not deaf! 1160 01:06:07,029 --> 01:06:09,865 - OK, OK, we're gonna say piano. - It was the piano. 1161 01:06:10,032 --> 01:06:11,283 - Harpsichord. - Harpsichord. 1162 01:06:11,450 --> 01:06:13,076 A harpsichord, James, you dope. 1163 01:06:13,244 --> 01:06:15,704 - Oh, you knew that. - Everybody knows that. 1164 01:06:16,873 --> 01:06:17,873 It's their house. 1165 01:06:18,040 --> 01:06:20,166 We better give it to them or else they'll have us hanging Sheetrock. 1166 01:06:20,334 --> 01:06:23,128 You shouldn't have given that to them. I wouldn't have given that to them. 1167 01:06:23,296 --> 01:06:24,713 - Give it to them. - James, 1168 01:06:24,881 --> 01:06:26,882 you forgot to open your brother's present. 1169 01:06:27,049 --> 01:06:29,467 That doesn't look like a towel. 1170 01:06:29,635 --> 01:06:30,927 What did he get for last year? 1171 01:06:31,095 --> 01:06:32,929 - I don't remember. - I remember. 1172 01:06:33,097 --> 01:06:34,472 A shower curtain! 1173 01:06:34,640 --> 01:06:37,434 It was a beautiful shower curtain. It was gray with these IBC logos. 1174 01:06:37,602 --> 01:06:39,769 It had little... Yeah! 1175 01:06:39,937 --> 01:06:41,980 - You don't have one. - Well, what did you get him this year? 1176 01:06:42,523 --> 01:06:43,940 Oh, nothing. 1177 01:06:45,610 --> 01:06:47,652 I made this picture frame. 1178 01:06:48,154 --> 01:06:50,447 He made it with his own little hands. 1179 01:06:51,449 --> 01:06:52,532 How sweet. 1180 01:06:52,700 --> 01:06:54,159 I know something you don't know. 1181 01:06:54,327 --> 01:06:57,037 I know something you don't know. I know something you don't know. 1182 01:06:57,204 --> 01:06:58,455 Shut up! 1183 01:06:58,623 --> 01:06:59,623 Jackpot. 1184 01:07:01,459 --> 01:07:04,628 It's your basic top-of-the-line Pioneer VCR. 1185 01:07:05,588 --> 01:07:07,714 - I think he made a mistake. - This ought to work. 1186 01:07:07,882 --> 01:07:09,466 I didn't get the gifts mixed up. 1187 01:07:09,634 --> 01:07:12,844 My ex-secretary got the gifts mixed up. 1188 01:07:13,012 --> 01:07:15,096 You invite him to Christmas dinner every year 1189 01:07:15,264 --> 01:07:17,390 and every year, he's too busy to come. 1190 01:07:17,558 --> 01:07:19,434 And when are you gonna learn? 1191 01:07:19,810 --> 01:07:21,811 Never. He's my brother. 1192 01:07:22,855 --> 01:07:24,189 A toast... 1193 01:07:25,733 --> 01:07:27,192 ...to my brother Frank. 1194 01:07:27,360 --> 01:07:29,611 - I wish he was here. - Were, goofy. 1195 01:07:30,696 --> 01:07:31,696 You're too good. 1196 01:07:31,864 --> 01:07:34,074 - To Frank. - To Frank. Cheers! 1197 01:07:34,241 --> 01:07:35,909 The richest man you know. 1198 01:07:36,077 --> 01:07:37,535 Keep the VCR. 1199 01:07:38,037 --> 01:07:39,496 What the hell. 1200 01:07:39,914 --> 01:07:41,581 It's only money. 1201 01:07:42,375 --> 01:07:46,169 - It's a write-off. It's tax-deductible. - I understand, Frank. 1202 01:07:46,545 --> 01:07:48,129 I understand. 1203 01:07:48,756 --> 01:07:52,759 OK, "What was the name of the boat that took them all to Gilligan's Island?" 1204 01:07:53,719 --> 01:07:56,012 This is so easy. 1205 01:07:56,180 --> 01:07:58,306 The Mako. 1206 01:07:58,474 --> 01:07:59,724 You gotta know this. 1207 01:07:59,892 --> 01:08:01,434 - S. S. Mackerel. - No. 1208 01:08:01,602 --> 01:08:02,978 - The fish. - It's a fish. 1209 01:08:03,145 --> 01:08:04,646 Let's go now, Frank. 1210 01:08:04,814 --> 01:08:06,398 Leave me alone. I know this one. 1211 01:08:06,565 --> 01:08:08,900 Everybody knows this one. Let's go now! 1212 01:08:09,068 --> 01:08:11,403 Oh, yeah? Does everybody know this one here? 1213 01:08:11,570 --> 01:08:16,157 Oh, Frank, we're fighting again. Let's not fight anymore! 1214 01:08:16,575 --> 01:08:19,494 Oh, look, Frank. What is it? 1215 01:08:19,662 --> 01:08:20,787 I can't find the card. 1216 01:08:20,955 --> 01:08:22,914 It's a toaster! 1217 01:08:23,082 --> 01:08:24,165 The answer is Mackerel. 1218 01:08:28,754 --> 01:08:30,839 The bitch hit me with a toaster. 1219 01:08:31,007 --> 01:08:34,092 Oh, I love a girl with spirit. Right! 1220 01:08:35,469 --> 01:08:36,928 Well, this is nice. 1221 01:08:37,138 --> 01:08:38,888 Where are we, Trump Tower? 1222 01:08:39,598 --> 01:08:41,266 I've seen a little bit of the city. 1223 01:08:41,434 --> 01:08:44,644 Hey, hey, down here! Hey! Down here! 1224 01:08:44,812 --> 01:08:48,940 Hey, you! Hey, Jersey! Call Streets and Sanitation! 1225 01:08:49,191 --> 01:08:51,067 Wow! Thanks for the shot. 1226 01:08:51,235 --> 01:08:52,402 Hey! Hey! 1227 01:08:52,570 --> 01:08:54,696 Oh, I'm having the weirdest day! 1228 01:08:54,864 --> 01:08:56,281 Cop! 1229 01:08:56,615 --> 01:08:59,159 Hey, Cop! Help me, please! 1230 01:09:16,886 --> 01:09:20,388 Herman! 1231 01:09:20,973 --> 01:09:22,640 Coffee's on me. Come here. 1232 01:09:23,476 --> 01:09:26,561 Jesus, give me a happy ending here, Herm. Come on, man. 1233 01:09:36,655 --> 01:09:38,907 Herman, it's Dick. 1234 01:09:41,160 --> 01:09:42,535 Liz says hi. 1235 01:09:46,707 --> 01:09:49,667 Jeez, maybe I should've given you the two bucks, huh? 1236 01:09:51,337 --> 01:09:52,837 Herm. 1237 01:09:57,635 --> 01:09:59,219 You moron! 1238 01:10:00,346 --> 01:10:01,471 You jerk! 1239 01:10:02,640 --> 01:10:06,017 Why didn't you stay at Claire's? Why didn't you stay with Claire? 1240 01:10:06,185 --> 01:10:07,519 She would have taken care of you! 1241 01:10:07,686 --> 01:10:09,562 You would have eaten! You would have been warm! 1242 01:10:09,730 --> 01:10:11,231 You might be alive! 1243 01:10:11,398 --> 01:10:14,150 You'd be a prettier color, I'll tell you that! 1244 01:10:17,571 --> 01:10:20,323 OK, is there a way to get out of here, Herman? 1245 01:10:28,541 --> 01:10:30,250 It's the door, isn't it? 1246 01:10:35,965 --> 01:10:37,298 It is the door, isn't it? 1247 01:10:38,050 --> 01:10:39,551 It's the door! 1248 01:10:41,220 --> 01:10:42,846 It had to be the door 1249 01:10:43,013 --> 01:10:46,224 'cause it's the only place that doesn't smell like urine! 1250 01:10:52,356 --> 01:10:54,149 Oh, shit! 1251 01:10:54,775 --> 01:10:56,025 What's going on up there? 1252 01:10:56,193 --> 01:10:57,902 Paul, where are you, kid? I need you. 1253 01:10:58,070 --> 01:10:59,154 Jesus Christ, hang on a second. 1254 01:10:59,321 --> 01:11:02,365 Hey, you! Joker! Hey, get off the set, will you? 1255 01:11:02,658 --> 01:11:04,576 - Hey! - Yeah, we see you, pal. 1256 01:11:04,743 --> 01:11:06,244 Get off the set! 1257 01:11:06,579 --> 01:11:09,080 - Oh, my God! - It's Mr. Cross! 1258 01:11:09,248 --> 01:11:12,458 Hey, Frank, we've been looking all over for you, buddy. 1259 01:11:12,626 --> 01:11:14,586 Frank. Come on, Frank. Frank, Frank. 1260 01:11:14,753 --> 01:11:15,879 I was worried about you. 1261 01:11:16,046 --> 01:11:17,046 Just like Errol Flynn, huh? 1262 01:11:17,214 --> 01:11:18,798 - No, he's OK. - Very funny. 1263 01:11:18,966 --> 01:11:21,759 Come on. You go upstairs to your office. Kind of supervise things. 1264 01:11:21,927 --> 01:11:23,553 You can check up the satellite linkups, huh? 1265 01:11:23,721 --> 01:11:25,805 - Brice, we got three minutes till air. - I know how much time we got. 1266 01:11:25,973 --> 01:11:28,766 I just want to say, break a leg, everybody. 1267 01:11:29,435 --> 01:11:30,894 I feel real weird about tonight. 1268 01:11:31,061 --> 01:11:34,355 Yeah, do you hear that, folks? OK, this one's for Frank. This is his baby. 1269 01:11:34,523 --> 01:11:36,065 Come on, come on, come on. 1270 01:11:36,233 --> 01:11:38,359 Don't lose it on me, huh? Come on. 1271 01:11:38,527 --> 01:11:42,572 You know, it has been such an honor to work for the great Frank Cross. 1272 01:11:42,740 --> 01:11:45,742 I'm gonna dine out on this for months. You know what I'm saying? 1273 01:11:45,910 --> 01:11:47,785 Now I want Grace to take you upstairs now 1274 01:11:47,953 --> 01:11:50,955 where I think things might just be a little safer than down here. OK? 1275 01:11:51,123 --> 01:11:54,209 You're beautiful, Frank. Got any last tips for me, huh? 1276 01:11:57,379 --> 01:12:00,840 Oh, God! Oh, God! Grace, go watch the show. 1277 01:12:01,008 --> 01:12:03,468 He's here for me! Come on! All right, come on! Give it to me! 1278 01:12:03,636 --> 01:12:06,721 You think I'm afraid of you, the day I've had? 1279 01:12:06,889 --> 01:12:11,142 I know what you came for. Come and get it, you pussy. 1280 01:12:11,310 --> 01:12:13,978 - Brice! - Stop scaring Frank. 1281 01:12:14,521 --> 01:12:16,439 - Get this nutcake out of here. - Who is that guy? 1282 01:12:16,607 --> 01:12:18,191 - Oh, Jesus. - We got a show to do. 1283 01:12:18,359 --> 01:12:22,153 He's in the show, Mr. Cross, as the Ghost of Christmas Future. 1284 01:12:24,657 --> 01:12:25,823 He's great. 1285 01:12:26,242 --> 01:12:28,409 That guy is gonna be a big star. 1286 01:12:28,577 --> 01:12:31,204 All right, go watch the show. We're making history tonight, I think. 1287 01:12:31,997 --> 01:12:33,414 OK, video... 1288 01:12:33,582 --> 01:12:35,458 Five seconds till we open on B. 1289 01:12:35,626 --> 01:12:37,543 - Then we go live. - Right. 1290 01:12:44,301 --> 01:12:46,302 God bless us, every one! 1291 01:12:50,975 --> 01:12:53,017 Tonight, live on IBC, 1292 01:12:53,185 --> 01:12:55,561 the world premiere telecast of a Christmas classic, 1293 01:12:55,729 --> 01:12:57,981 Charles Dickens' immortal Scrooge. 1294 01:13:11,453 --> 01:13:13,246 - Ready to roll B. - B on the bell tower. 1295 01:13:13,414 --> 01:13:15,581 - Don't screw up... - Roll tape B. 1296 01:13:15,749 --> 01:13:16,833 Hold there, three. 1297 01:13:18,168 --> 01:13:19,711 All right, coming up on three. 1298 01:13:19,878 --> 01:13:22,046 Three, two, one. Dissolve it. 1299 01:13:22,214 --> 01:13:23,840 - And dancing. - Right where you are. 1300 01:13:24,008 --> 01:13:27,135 Slow pullout on three. Slow pullout on three. 1301 01:13:27,303 --> 01:13:29,721 Down on Houseman, lights up. Ready, mic him in. 1302 01:13:29,888 --> 01:13:33,224 It was a cold, bleak Christmas Eve. 1303 01:13:33,392 --> 01:13:35,893 The fog-draped streets of London... 1304 01:13:36,103 --> 01:13:38,646 Oh, you've got Houseman. I think he's wonderful. 1305 01:13:38,814 --> 01:13:40,773 - Give me the beer. - Yes, sir. 1306 01:13:41,108 --> 01:13:43,568 ...a phantom through the dingy mist. 1307 01:13:43,902 --> 01:13:46,070 Old Ebenezer Scrooge, 1308 01:13:46,613 --> 01:13:49,115 alone in his gloomy chambers... 1309 01:13:49,283 --> 01:13:51,326 We'll make that move as soon as we get off of Houseman. 1310 01:13:51,493 --> 01:13:53,536 Coming to camera three live. Dissolve three. 1311 01:13:54,705 --> 01:13:57,874 - What have we here? - They're dormice, Uncle. 1312 01:13:58,959 --> 01:14:00,793 Dormice? Dormice? 1313 01:14:00,961 --> 01:14:02,378 You see? Works like a charm. 1314 01:14:02,546 --> 01:14:04,130 - What do they do? - They bring you luck. 1315 01:14:04,298 --> 01:14:05,465 Are you lucky? 1316 01:14:05,632 --> 01:14:09,218 Sir, I believe I am. I've got your niece for my wife. 1317 01:14:09,386 --> 01:14:12,096 I've got a good job, and it's the holidays, sir. 1318 01:14:12,556 --> 01:14:14,098 Holiday, is it? 1319 01:14:14,308 --> 01:14:16,893 You have my niece for a wife all right. 1320 01:14:17,061 --> 01:14:20,396 Do you have my job too? That's the luck. 1321 01:14:22,232 --> 01:14:25,234 "To Frank, the best brother a guy ever had. 1322 01:14:26,987 --> 01:14:28,446 Merry Christmas." 1323 01:14:30,949 --> 01:14:33,242 When the snow lay round about 1324 01:14:33,410 --> 01:14:35,370 Deep and crisp and even 1325 01:14:35,537 --> 01:14:38,331 Brightly shone the moon that night 1326 01:14:38,665 --> 01:14:40,958 Though the frost was cruel 1327 01:14:41,126 --> 01:14:43,503 When a poor man came in sight 1328 01:14:43,670 --> 01:14:47,632 Gathering winter fuel 1329 01:14:48,717 --> 01:14:51,469 This is indeed a night for revelation. 1330 01:14:51,845 --> 01:14:54,555 Thank you for showing me the true meaning. 1331 01:14:54,723 --> 01:14:56,641 Thank me not, Ebenezer, 1332 01:14:56,809 --> 01:15:00,895 for soon you shall be visited by the final spirit. 1333 01:15:01,063 --> 01:15:05,024 The thing that all men fear the most. 1334 01:15:05,192 --> 01:15:07,735 The Ghost of Christmas Future. 1335 01:15:08,195 --> 01:15:09,654 Oh, thank you, sir. 1336 01:15:10,239 --> 01:15:12,698 I'll be so good. I'll repent. 1337 01:15:34,096 --> 01:15:36,347 Honey, I'm home! 1338 01:15:40,352 --> 01:15:41,853 - Oh, boy! - Remember me, boss? 1339 01:15:42,020 --> 01:15:44,689 The guy you canned the day before Christmas? 1340 01:15:45,524 --> 01:15:47,024 Merry Christmas! 1341 01:15:48,527 --> 01:15:49,902 Hello, wabbit. 1342 01:15:50,737 --> 01:15:51,988 Would you give me a running start? 1343 01:15:52,156 --> 01:15:56,492 Sure. 1,001, 1,002, 1,003. 1344 01:15:58,704 --> 01:16:01,289 My God! My babies! 1345 01:16:08,922 --> 01:16:11,048 Oh, you better watch out 1346 01:16:11,216 --> 01:16:13,634 Can't you get back to me on this after the holidays? 1347 01:16:13,802 --> 01:16:14,969 I've had a bad day. 1348 01:16:15,137 --> 01:16:17,138 You've had a bad day? 1349 01:16:17,306 --> 01:16:21,434 Let me tell you a little bit about my day! I got fired! My wife left me! 1350 01:16:22,561 --> 01:16:25,354 She took our little baby daughter... 1351 01:16:26,315 --> 01:16:27,315 ...with her. 1352 01:16:28,817 --> 01:16:33,196 I can't recall much after that because ever since then, I've been 1353 01:16:33,363 --> 01:16:36,866 blind, stinking drunk! 1354 01:16:38,577 --> 01:16:41,746 He sees you when you're sleeping 1355 01:16:41,914 --> 01:16:43,498 You gotta believe me, Eliot! 1356 01:16:43,665 --> 01:16:46,292 I'm having a much worse day than you are! 1357 01:16:46,460 --> 01:16:47,627 Much worse! Really! 1358 01:16:48,879 --> 01:16:51,714 He knows if you've been bad 1359 01:16:54,259 --> 01:16:57,345 So be good, for goodness' sake 1360 01:16:57,513 --> 01:17:00,598 Oh, he's making a list 1361 01:17:00,766 --> 01:17:02,808 He's checking it twice 1362 01:17:03,227 --> 01:17:05,061 Gonna find out 1363 01:17:05,229 --> 01:17:07,396 Who's naughty or nice 1364 01:17:07,940 --> 01:17:11,442 Santa Claus is coming 1365 01:17:12,194 --> 01:17:13,819 To town 1366 01:17:21,453 --> 01:17:23,496 It's you. Creep. 1367 01:17:23,914 --> 01:17:26,332 God. Aren't you supposed to be in the studio? We're on the air. 1368 01:17:26,500 --> 01:17:27,917 Hey, back off, big man. 1369 01:17:28,085 --> 01:17:30,336 That may work with the chicks but not with me. 1370 01:17:30,504 --> 01:17:32,213 Is this straight? 1371 01:17:34,967 --> 01:17:36,008 May I? 1372 01:17:47,145 --> 01:17:48,312 Did our people do that? 1373 01:17:48,981 --> 01:17:50,982 We're gonna get phone calls. 1374 01:18:14,089 --> 01:18:15,923 Visiting hours are over, Mrs. Cooley. 1375 01:18:18,760 --> 01:18:21,762 - I just got here. - I know but we have to go. 1376 01:18:25,058 --> 01:18:26,934 Merry Christmas, Calvin. 1377 01:18:31,398 --> 01:18:32,690 I'll see you. 1378 01:18:43,201 --> 01:18:46,996 Now, this is just possible future, right? I mean, this is doable. 1379 01:18:47,164 --> 01:18:49,582 I know the head of pediatrics at NYU. 1380 01:18:49,750 --> 01:18:51,792 We can get this kid out of here right away. 1381 01:18:51,960 --> 01:18:53,044 This is not a problem. 1382 01:18:53,211 --> 01:18:54,920 I'm all over this. Don't worry about it! 1383 01:19:04,264 --> 01:19:05,264 Will you look at that? 1384 01:19:06,516 --> 01:19:08,142 Where did they come from? 1385 01:19:08,310 --> 01:19:09,977 Hey, you! Beat it! 1386 01:19:10,145 --> 01:19:11,312 - Please. - Please. 1387 01:19:11,480 --> 01:19:13,064 - Gilles. - Madame? 1388 01:19:13,231 --> 01:19:15,232 Will you look at that? Look at those filthy little creatures. 1389 01:19:15,400 --> 01:19:18,235 - Imm�diatement. - Oh, Claire! Claire! 1390 01:19:18,403 --> 01:19:21,947 Claire! Claire! Claire, they're just children. 1391 01:19:22,115 --> 01:19:25,117 Please, darling, don't tell me. 1392 01:19:26,244 --> 01:19:31,123 I wasted 20 years of my life on pathetic little creatures like those. 1393 01:19:32,084 --> 01:19:34,877 Finally, thank God, a friend of mine said to me, 1394 01:19:36,588 --> 01:19:38,589 "Scrape them off, Claire. 1395 01:19:38,757 --> 01:19:40,549 You wanna save somebody, 1396 01:19:41,259 --> 01:19:42,802 save yourself." 1397 01:19:44,179 --> 01:19:45,805 I'm sorry, Claire. 1398 01:19:46,431 --> 01:19:48,182 Thanks a lot, Lumpy. 1399 01:19:54,439 --> 01:19:56,774 That was a lousy thing to do. 1400 01:20:05,200 --> 01:20:06,575 Disneyland? 1401 01:20:31,435 --> 01:20:32,435 Wendie! 1402 01:20:34,396 --> 01:20:35,396 Oh, no. 1403 01:20:36,148 --> 01:20:38,399 James, my brother. 1404 01:20:39,651 --> 01:20:40,943 He's dead. 1405 01:20:41,862 --> 01:20:43,946 Why did this have to happen? 1406 01:20:48,034 --> 01:20:50,703 Well, when I get back I'm gonna... 1407 01:20:52,080 --> 01:20:53,581 Well, there he is! James! 1408 01:20:57,419 --> 01:20:58,419 Who's in there? 1409 01:20:58,587 --> 01:21:00,713 "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. 1410 01:21:00,881 --> 01:21:03,048 He maketh me lie down in green pastures. 1411 01:21:03,216 --> 01:21:07,011 He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake." 1412 01:21:07,679 --> 01:21:10,181 What the hell is this that you're saying? 1413 01:21:10,348 --> 01:21:12,016 What? That I've died? 1414 01:21:18,940 --> 01:21:21,233 Why are you showing me this stuff? I can't do anything dead! 1415 01:21:21,401 --> 01:21:24,195 Why the hell did you bother to show me this stuff? 1416 01:21:25,572 --> 01:21:26,697 James, help me. 1417 01:21:29,034 --> 01:21:30,993 No. Oh, no. 1418 01:21:31,161 --> 01:21:33,204 Please don't let them burn me, James. 1419 01:21:34,706 --> 01:21:38,417 Jimmy, don't let them burn me! Please don't let them burn me! 1420 01:21:39,044 --> 01:21:41,587 I'm in here! Oh, God! 1421 01:21:42,422 --> 01:21:44,215 Don't let them do it! 1422 01:21:45,217 --> 01:21:48,219 Don't let them do it! Don't let them! I'm in here! 1423 01:21:49,554 --> 01:21:50,846 Mom! 1424 01:21:51,681 --> 01:21:54,850 God, I want to live! I want to live! 1425 01:21:55,268 --> 01:21:58,562 Oh, God, I wanna live! Help! 1426 01:21:59,272 --> 01:22:03,025 I wanna live! 1427 01:22:04,027 --> 01:22:05,319 I'm alive! 1428 01:22:05,487 --> 01:22:06,654 Hallelujah 1429 01:22:06,822 --> 01:22:08,948 Holy shit, what a break! 1430 01:22:09,491 --> 01:22:10,991 I'm at work! 1431 01:22:11,451 --> 01:22:13,369 Oh, God, it's the sun! 1432 01:22:13,537 --> 01:22:15,746 I never thought that I'd see the sun again! 1433 01:22:15,914 --> 01:22:17,998 - I'm alive! - Not for long. 1434 01:22:18,667 --> 01:22:20,459 Milkman! 1435 01:22:22,546 --> 01:22:24,088 I'm the Woodstock baby! 1436 01:22:24,256 --> 01:22:26,006 I'm gonna start with you. 1437 01:22:28,093 --> 01:22:29,593 You're one of my favorites. Come here! 1438 01:22:29,761 --> 01:22:32,680 I'm alive and so are you 1439 01:22:34,683 --> 01:22:37,810 You glad to see me, or is this a shotgun in your pocket? 1440 01:22:38,436 --> 01:22:40,354 OK. You've heard it. Come on. 1441 01:22:41,815 --> 01:22:42,898 Great! 1442 01:22:43,525 --> 01:22:47,236 - Don't hurt me. - We're alive! Pink side! Coming back! 1443 01:22:47,404 --> 01:22:48,737 Long sole! 1444 01:22:48,905 --> 01:22:50,281 You know this one? 1445 01:22:51,241 --> 01:22:53,826 That's my thing. I'm going to be doing this to everybody. 1446 01:22:54,744 --> 01:22:55,828 All right, here's the deal. 1447 01:22:56,955 --> 01:22:58,789 I'll hire you back at twice your original salary. 1448 01:22:59,457 --> 01:23:01,333 I'll make you my vice president in charge of programming 1449 01:23:01,501 --> 01:23:03,085 and I'll give you an office up here. 1450 01:23:03,253 --> 01:23:05,963 - Would you like my office? - No, I don't like your office. 1451 01:23:07,883 --> 01:23:09,133 That's so you! 1452 01:23:09,301 --> 01:23:10,801 What's the catch? 1453 01:23:10,969 --> 01:23:14,138 The catch is that you gotta take a shower, little man. 1454 01:23:14,306 --> 01:23:16,181 You are ripe, whoa! 1455 01:23:16,349 --> 01:23:17,808 There's a problem here. 1456 01:23:17,976 --> 01:23:21,562 I was looking for a Francis Xavier Cross. 1457 01:23:21,730 --> 01:23:24,189 That's me, but the great thing is, 1458 01:23:24,357 --> 01:23:26,066 it's not me! 1459 01:23:26,234 --> 01:23:29,945 The Jews taught me this great word, schmuck. 1460 01:23:30,322 --> 01:23:32,615 I was a schmuck. And now... 1461 01:23:33,283 --> 01:23:34,992 ...I'm not a schmuck. 1462 01:23:36,494 --> 01:23:38,537 Wait a minute! What time is it? 1463 01:23:39,205 --> 01:23:41,665 - Somebody stole my watch. - It's a quarter to. 1464 01:23:41,833 --> 01:23:45,169 We didn't miss it! We didn't miss it! 1465 01:23:45,337 --> 01:23:46,629 - We didn't miss what? - Christmas. 1466 01:23:46,796 --> 01:23:48,130 Merry Christmas! 1467 01:23:50,300 --> 01:23:51,258 Are you alone in there? 1468 01:23:52,427 --> 01:23:53,594 We're gonna have some fun. 1469 01:23:53,762 --> 01:23:56,764 You and I are going to have some fun for once in this life. 1470 01:23:56,932 --> 01:23:59,058 Loudermilk and Cross together! 1471 01:24:00,810 --> 01:24:03,187 My, what a glorious day. 1472 01:24:03,355 --> 01:24:05,648 There has never been such a day. 1473 01:24:06,524 --> 01:24:08,359 Say, there! You lad. 1474 01:24:08,526 --> 01:24:10,736 Yes, sir? Are you talking to me? 1475 01:24:10,904 --> 01:24:12,655 And take three. 1476 01:24:12,822 --> 01:24:14,114 Yes, indeed! 1477 01:24:14,532 --> 01:24:15,991 Buy me a goose. 1478 01:24:16,451 --> 01:24:19,036 The biggest goose in all of London. 1479 01:24:19,204 --> 01:24:21,872 Camera three, follow the coin all the way down. 1480 01:24:23,416 --> 01:24:24,833 Oh, I got it! 1481 01:24:25,835 --> 01:24:27,252 Holy shit, that's Frank Cross! 1482 01:24:27,420 --> 01:24:28,921 - He's drunk! - He's nuts! 1483 01:24:29,547 --> 01:24:30,798 He's finished. 1484 01:24:32,634 --> 01:24:33,634 Shut up! 1485 01:24:34,052 --> 01:24:36,553 Don't touch that dial and stay on him. 1486 01:24:36,888 --> 01:24:38,097 - What's your name, son? - Mike. 1487 01:24:38,264 --> 01:24:39,765 Mike, say hello to your folks, will you? 1488 01:24:39,933 --> 01:24:40,933 Hi. 1489 01:24:41,101 --> 01:24:43,477 Mike is doing a great job here for us tonight. Thank you. 1490 01:24:43,645 --> 01:24:45,771 - That's Frank Cross. - I am... 1491 01:24:45,939 --> 01:24:49,024 - Is he supposed to be in the show? - What in the... 1492 01:24:49,192 --> 01:24:51,235 Good evening and Merry Christmas. 1493 01:24:51,403 --> 01:24:53,404 With me in the booth is Eliot Loudermilk. 1494 01:24:53,571 --> 01:24:55,823 - Eliot, how are we doing up there? - Open his mic. 1495 01:24:57,117 --> 01:25:00,160 Wonderful! But I don't think you're gonna be president tomorrow. 1496 01:25:00,996 --> 01:25:04,415 At least I am the president of the network tonight. 1497 01:25:04,582 --> 01:25:05,916 Tomorrow morning I may not be. 1498 01:25:06,084 --> 01:25:09,128 You can bet your Aunt Suzy's ash can on that! 1499 01:25:09,295 --> 01:25:13,799 So, what are you doing watching television on Christmas Eve? 1500 01:25:13,967 --> 01:25:16,260 They're paying your salary, you ass! 1501 01:25:16,428 --> 01:25:19,346 And what kind of a rat bastard idiot 1502 01:25:19,514 --> 01:25:22,683 would schedule a live show on a Christmas Eve? 1503 01:25:22,851 --> 01:25:24,184 Only you, Frank. 1504 01:25:25,437 --> 01:25:28,689 You know, a week ago, I'd have kicked your butt right out of the building. 1505 01:25:28,857 --> 01:25:32,026 But you know something? He's absolutely right. 1506 01:25:32,444 --> 01:25:36,572 You are looking at a guy who told someone today 1507 01:25:36,823 --> 01:25:40,075 to staple antlers to a mouse's head 1508 01:25:40,243 --> 01:25:41,785 to further my career. 1509 01:25:41,953 --> 01:25:44,621 How many of you people have got the brass cojones 1510 01:25:44,789 --> 01:25:46,081 to try something like that? 1511 01:25:48,043 --> 01:25:49,251 Follow him. Follow him. Stay with him. 1512 01:25:49,419 --> 01:25:51,003 I don't know where he's going. 1513 01:25:51,171 --> 01:25:54,590 All of these people, I'm sure they have incredible families. But I have... 1514 01:25:54,758 --> 01:25:57,176 Look, I got a great brother. Look at this guy here. 1515 01:25:57,343 --> 01:25:59,511 My brother, James. Look how cute he was back then. 1516 01:26:00,847 --> 01:26:02,306 He's lots bigger now. 1517 01:26:02,474 --> 01:26:04,266 And look at me with the ears, 1518 01:26:04,434 --> 01:26:06,602 the taxi driving down the street with the doors open. 1519 01:26:06,770 --> 01:26:08,145 Thank God my hair grew in, huh? 1520 01:26:08,313 --> 01:26:09,688 Not yet. 1521 01:26:09,856 --> 01:26:12,149 I got this for Christmas today from him. 1522 01:26:12,317 --> 01:26:14,026 I gave him a towel. 1523 01:26:14,652 --> 01:26:16,862 The VCR is from Grace, James. 1524 01:26:19,824 --> 01:26:21,992 You were right about everything, OK? 1525 01:26:23,703 --> 01:26:24,870 Except... 1526 01:26:27,332 --> 01:26:28,874 the S. S. Minnow, James. 1527 01:26:29,042 --> 01:26:31,919 What was the ship that brought them all to Gilligan's Island? 1528 01:26:32,087 --> 01:26:33,420 The S. S. Minnow. 1529 01:26:34,172 --> 01:26:36,173 No points this round, James. 1530 01:26:36,508 --> 01:26:37,508 - Shit. - What? 1531 01:26:37,675 --> 01:26:40,385 - Wait a minute. - How did he know we were playing that? 1532 01:26:40,553 --> 01:26:41,762 Hello, Wendie. 1533 01:26:47,227 --> 01:26:49,394 Hello, control room! How can I help you? 1534 01:26:49,562 --> 01:26:50,938 This is Rhinelander. 1535 01:26:51,106 --> 01:26:54,233 I want to talk to the idiot who put that moron on the air. 1536 01:26:55,235 --> 01:26:56,985 Brice Cummings is the idiot, sir. 1537 01:26:57,153 --> 01:27:00,531 But he can't talk to you right now 'cause he's tied up. 1538 01:27:02,617 --> 01:27:06,620 Yes, in fact, he just said that you were a flatulating butthead. 1539 01:27:06,788 --> 01:27:07,913 A butthead? 1540 01:27:08,081 --> 01:27:10,290 He said he never felt that way about a man before 1541 01:27:10,458 --> 01:27:12,835 but he really liked you in a certain way... 1542 01:27:17,382 --> 01:27:20,676 Whoa, I dropped her! Just kidding. She's a doll. It's OK. 1543 01:27:22,137 --> 01:27:25,180 It's all right. It's a party. Come on, it's Christmas Eve! 1544 01:27:25,348 --> 01:27:26,723 Lighten up a little bit. 1545 01:27:26,891 --> 01:27:29,935 Billy, we are gonna need champagne for 250 people. 1546 01:27:30,103 --> 01:27:32,896 And please send the stuff that you send to me. 1547 01:27:33,064 --> 01:27:34,898 Don't send the stuff that I send to other people. 1548 01:27:35,066 --> 01:27:37,818 You know, it's not too late on Christmas Eve to have fun. 1549 01:27:37,986 --> 01:27:40,028 You can call people that you haven't seen. 1550 01:27:40,196 --> 01:27:41,530 You can call a college roommate, 1551 01:27:41,698 --> 01:27:43,699 you can call, you know, an old army buddy. 1552 01:27:43,867 --> 01:27:45,075 Keep that tape rolling. 1553 01:27:45,243 --> 01:27:46,410 You can call your personal banker. 1554 01:27:46,995 --> 01:27:50,831 Hey! I don't hear any partying in that booth, Eliot! 1555 01:27:50,999 --> 01:27:52,166 Great! 1556 01:27:54,669 --> 01:27:55,878 You heard him! Party! 1557 01:27:56,045 --> 01:27:57,462 Now, why wasn't I invited? 1558 01:27:57,630 --> 01:28:00,674 Now that was just an innocent window, and you saw what I did to that. 1559 01:28:01,259 --> 01:28:02,634 You know who you're dealing with? 1560 01:28:02,802 --> 01:28:06,096 I mean, it's a night. You've got to party hearty, Marty. 1561 01:28:06,264 --> 01:28:08,724 Look at this. Check this out. 1562 01:28:09,642 --> 01:28:11,185 Don't be so mean. 1563 01:28:11,853 --> 01:28:14,271 Look at this. There's a rule. 1564 01:28:14,439 --> 01:28:18,775 There's a tradition that says I have to kiss this girl on the lips. 1565 01:28:19,027 --> 01:28:21,153 Well, she's just upholding the law. 1566 01:28:21,321 --> 01:28:24,448 It's a federal law actually, it's not just a state thing. 1567 01:28:27,368 --> 01:28:28,660 Great, Frankie! 1568 01:28:31,623 --> 01:28:34,082 - All right! - I love it! 1569 01:28:34,250 --> 01:28:35,626 - Right on, Frank. - Way to go. 1570 01:28:35,793 --> 01:28:38,003 Here, Mr. Cummings. 1571 01:28:38,880 --> 01:28:41,089 Boy, that was very good. 1572 01:28:41,716 --> 01:28:42,799 But you know what? 1573 01:28:42,967 --> 01:28:44,760 It wasn't great. 1574 01:28:45,803 --> 01:28:47,262 There has only been one great. 1575 01:28:49,724 --> 01:28:52,601 There is a girl that I wish I were with tonight. 1576 01:28:52,769 --> 01:28:55,604 It's a girl that I loved a long time ago. 1577 01:28:57,815 --> 01:28:59,566 A girl that I still love. 1578 01:29:00,026 --> 01:29:03,403 It's Christmas Eve. It's not too late, is it? 1579 01:29:05,240 --> 01:29:06,823 Claire, do you remember? 1580 01:29:06,991 --> 01:29:09,743 Remember the Kama Sutra, page 19? 1581 01:29:09,911 --> 01:29:11,787 Legs around like this, then this thing here. 1582 01:29:11,955 --> 01:29:14,957 You circle me chanting, burning incense, before we begin. 1583 01:29:16,209 --> 01:29:18,335 Remember I said it ain't possible? 1584 01:29:18,503 --> 01:29:20,879 Tonight I think we could do this without 1585 01:29:21,047 --> 01:29:24,299 serious physical or psychological damage. 1586 01:29:24,801 --> 01:29:26,176 Taxi! 1587 01:29:29,097 --> 01:29:31,348 Can you get me to the IBC building in three minutes? 1588 01:29:31,516 --> 01:29:32,975 Which floor? 1589 01:29:33,768 --> 01:29:36,687 Deck the halls with boughs of holly Fa la la la la la la la la 1590 01:29:36,854 --> 01:29:39,856 Tis the season to be jolly Fa la la la la la la la la 1591 01:29:40,024 --> 01:29:43,068 Don we now our gay apparel Fa la la la la la la la la 1592 01:29:43,236 --> 01:29:46,863 Troll the ancient Yuletide carol Fa la la la la la la la la 1593 01:29:47,031 --> 01:29:53,036 Fa la la la la la la la la 1594 01:29:56,541 --> 01:29:58,333 We should be taping this. 1595 01:30:02,130 --> 01:30:03,630 Now, how did that happen? 1596 01:30:03,798 --> 01:30:06,633 That happened because it's Christmas Eve. I'm telling you! 1597 01:30:06,801 --> 01:30:08,260 I'm not crazy. 1598 01:30:08,636 --> 01:30:09,886 It's Christmas Eve! 1599 01:30:10,054 --> 01:30:13,557 It's the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, 1600 01:30:13,725 --> 01:30:16,143 we smile a little easier, 1601 01:30:17,520 --> 01:30:18,937 we cheer a little more. 1602 01:30:19,397 --> 01:30:21,982 For a couple of hours out of the whole year, 1603 01:30:22,150 --> 01:30:25,736 we are the people that we always hoped we would be. 1604 01:30:26,529 --> 01:30:28,405 It's a miracle. 1605 01:30:28,573 --> 01:30:30,365 It's really a sort of a miracle 1606 01:30:30,533 --> 01:30:32,826 because it happens every Christmas Eve. 1607 01:30:33,077 --> 01:30:36,413 And if you waste that miracle, you're gonna burn for it. 1608 01:30:36,581 --> 01:30:38,498 I know what I'm talking about. 1609 01:30:38,666 --> 01:30:41,376 You have to do something. You have to take a chance. 1610 01:30:41,544 --> 01:30:42,961 You do have to get involved. 1611 01:30:43,129 --> 01:30:46,465 There are people that are having trouble making their miracle happen. 1612 01:30:46,632 --> 01:30:48,342 There are people that don't have enough to eat. 1613 01:30:48,509 --> 01:30:49,676 There are people that are cold. 1614 01:30:49,844 --> 01:30:52,137 You can go out and say hello to these people. 1615 01:30:52,305 --> 01:30:55,223 You can take an old blanket out of the closet and say, "Here." 1616 01:30:55,391 --> 01:30:58,060 You can make them a sandwich and say, "Oh, by the way, here." 1617 01:30:58,227 --> 01:31:00,187 I get it now! 1618 01:31:00,521 --> 01:31:02,564 And if you give, 1619 01:31:03,358 --> 01:31:06,485 then it can happen. Then the miracle can happen to you! 1620 01:31:06,652 --> 01:31:08,570 It's not just the poor and the hungry, 1621 01:31:08,738 --> 01:31:10,947 it's everybody who's gotta have this miracle! 1622 01:31:11,115 --> 01:31:12,866 And it can happen tonight for all of you! 1623 01:31:13,034 --> 01:31:16,244 If you believe in this spirit thing, the miracle will happen. 1624 01:31:16,412 --> 01:31:18,372 And then you'll want it to happen again tomorrow. 1625 01:31:18,539 --> 01:31:19,956 You won't be one of these bastards who says, 1626 01:31:20,124 --> 01:31:23,126 "Christmas is once a year, it's a fraud." It's not! 1627 01:31:23,294 --> 01:31:26,546 It can happen every day! You've just gotta want that feeling! 1628 01:31:26,714 --> 01:31:30,050 And if you like it and you want it, you'll get greedy for it! 1629 01:31:30,218 --> 01:31:34,096 You'll want it every day of your life, and it can happen to you! 1630 01:31:34,514 --> 01:31:36,348 I believe in it now! 1631 01:31:36,516 --> 01:31:39,810 I believe it's gonna happen to me now! I'm ready for it! 1632 01:31:41,145 --> 01:31:43,980 And it's great. It's a good feeling. 1633 01:31:44,148 --> 01:31:47,651 It's really better than I've felt in a long time. 1634 01:31:49,821 --> 01:31:51,405 I'm ready. 1635 01:31:52,824 --> 01:31:54,950 Have a merry Christmas, everybody. 1636 01:31:58,663 --> 01:31:59,871 You guys see Calvin? 1637 01:32:01,082 --> 01:32:02,833 Did I forget something, big man? 1638 01:32:03,751 --> 01:32:06,336 God bless us, every one. 1639 01:32:39,120 --> 01:32:40,454 Oh, no. 1640 01:32:42,373 --> 01:32:43,999 Lumpy. Lumpy. 1641 01:32:44,167 --> 01:32:45,208 Lumpy, no. 1642 01:32:47,920 --> 01:32:49,838 You're like boating a marlin. 1643 01:32:51,757 --> 01:32:54,801 Claire, the whole world. Whole world, Claire. 1644 01:33:00,725 --> 01:33:02,934 And they lived happily ever after. 1645 01:33:10,109 --> 01:33:12,319 Think of your fellow man 1646 01:33:12,487 --> 01:33:14,029 Lend him a helping hand 1647 01:33:14,197 --> 01:33:17,282 Put a little love in your heart 1648 01:33:18,493 --> 01:33:20,410 You see, it's getting late 1649 01:33:20,578 --> 01:33:22,496 Oh, please don't hesitate 1650 01:33:22,663 --> 01:33:25,749 Put a little love in your heart 1651 01:33:25,917 --> 01:33:34,132 And the world will be a better place 1652 01:33:34,300 --> 01:33:37,677 For you and me 1653 01:33:38,179 --> 01:33:41,515 You just wait and see 1654 01:33:42,850 --> 01:33:44,935 Another day goes by 1655 01:33:45,102 --> 01:33:47,020 And still the children cry 1656 01:33:47,188 --> 01:33:50,106 Put a little love in your heart 1657 01:33:50,775 --> 01:33:51,775 And the world 1658 01:33:51,943 --> 01:33:53,193 Stand up! Stand up! 1659 01:33:53,361 --> 01:33:54,444 Will be a better place 1660 01:33:54,612 --> 01:33:58,198 And the world will be a better place 1661 01:33:58,366 --> 01:34:01,952 For you and me 1662 01:34:02,703 --> 01:34:07,415 Just you wait and see 1663 01:34:07,583 --> 01:34:09,501 Another day goes by 1664 01:34:09,669 --> 01:34:11,545 And still the children cry 1665 01:34:11,712 --> 01:34:22,889 Put a little love in your heart 1666 01:34:23,975 --> 01:34:26,685 Feed me, Seymour. Feed me. 1667 01:34:27,478 --> 01:34:30,146 Come on. Let's hear it from all you folks out there. Come on. 1668 01:34:30,314 --> 01:34:32,482 You don't know the words, come on. 1669 01:34:33,609 --> 01:34:37,279 Come on, let's hear it from this side of the theater. Come on, just over here. 1670 01:34:38,698 --> 01:34:39,739 All right, that's no good. 1671 01:34:39,907 --> 01:34:42,284 Come on, let's try the other side of the theater. Come on. 1672 01:34:44,412 --> 01:34:47,581 All right, how about just the men? Come on, just the men. 1673 01:34:48,374 --> 01:34:51,167 All right, the real men, let's hear the real men. 1674 01:34:52,545 --> 01:34:55,880 All right, all right, the women. The women now, this time. 1675 01:34:57,008 --> 01:34:59,551 No, the real women. The real women. 1676 01:34:59,927 --> 01:35:01,219 You know who you are. 1677 01:35:01,387 --> 01:35:04,806 All right, you, who was making all the noise through the whole movie. 1678 01:35:04,974 --> 01:35:07,559 My brother, the king of Christmas.