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There are many places
we could begin
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the next chapter of
the legend of Ron Burgundy.
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This is one such place.
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However, we won't
begin our tale here.
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No, our story begins in a
place all newsmen dream of.
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In New York City.
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Ron Burgundy!
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That lady's got an ass
like the Loch Ness Monster.
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Thing is mysterious
and ever sought after.
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Ron, aren't you going to
say something to him?
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Hey, when you've got an
ass like the North Star,
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wise men are going to want
to follow it.
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It was a time before
cell phones and steroids.
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And for Ron and his now-wife
Veronica, life was good.
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The Tooth Fairy's exposed
breast made the child uncomfortable.
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The Bishop wore
buttless chaps to the bat mitzvah.
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Bat mitzvah.
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The garden gnome
had a normal-size penis.
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The garden gnome
had a normal-size penis.
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Corningstone.
Corningstone.
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Oh! Oh, no! Oh, no!
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They're coming in through
the back door! Oh, no!
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Oh, no!
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Grab the children!
Save the children!
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Five, four...
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Have a great broadcast.
You, too, darling.
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Good evening. This is the weekend
edition of WBC News at 6:30.
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I'm Ron Burgundy.
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And I'm Veronica Corningstone.
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Our top story tonight.
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The U.N. today announced
sanctions against...
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When the broadcast is over,
send these two up to my office.
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Time to make a change.
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Rumor has it that after 35
years of manning the helm,
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Mack Tannen is thinking
about stepping down.
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That's right.
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Do you...
Do you think we could be...
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We could be getting
the Nightly News, Ron?
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I think that's exactly
what's about to happen.
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Oh, my God.
That's what's happening, isn't it?
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I'm hyperventilating.
Yes, I see that.
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Look at me.
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Oh, you... Well.
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I'm laughing like a
ventriloquist's dummy.
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You are.
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Let's stop that before
we get in there.
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Don't do that in there, darling.
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Mr. Tannen,
you are an inspiration, sir.
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I've been doing the evening
news now for over 35 years.
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Done a hell of a job.
Yes, sir.
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A hell of a job!
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I've gone through four wives.
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I have six or seven kids that I haven't
got the time to tell I love them.
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To be honest, they
sound a little needy.
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And I killed four men in Okinawa.
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W.W. Two.
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And that was two weeks ago.
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The point is,
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this is a very demanding job.
Yes.
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But I'm close to thinking that
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you may have what it takes.
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Now, let me look at you.
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Oh, my God.
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Would it be wrong to say
you smell terrific?
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Ron, please!
Okay.
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What are you?
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Finnish?
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Oddly enough, I'm 100%
full-blown Mexican.
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From the state of Oaxaca.
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No, you're not, honey.
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Hello, sir. Oh, my heart is racing.
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Hmm.
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I just have to say, this is
super creepy and unorthodox.
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You like-a da merchandise, huh?
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Sorry.
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All right.
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We're about to make
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network news history.
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Veronica.
Yes?
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You're going to be
the first female full-time
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network news anchor.
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Oh, my goodness!
Oh! I knew it.
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And you, Mr. Burgundy...
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I'm going to be the first
lactose intolerant anchor.
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Mr. Burgundy.
Yes?
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You're fired.
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Come again?
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Fired.
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You are the worst anchorman
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I have ever seen.
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But what did I do wrong?
Name one thing.
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Korean soldiers
were fired upon in the DMZ!
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Oh. Jeez, I am so sorry.
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Someone put the story
in all capital letters,
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and I... I thought
I was supposed to yell it.
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President Parter...
Ah, shit!
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I mean, President Carter
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will speak at the summit Tuesday.
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Tony, did I just curse?
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Are you kidding me? Shit!
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00:06:04,498 --> 00:06:07,065
I mean... Shit. Shoot!
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The slain Civil Rights leader
was eulogized...
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Oh!
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Oh, wow! Did you see that?
Right on the lens!
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Folks, I'm sorry.
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I hold myself to
a high professional standard
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and you shouldn't hear
that language, okay?
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I'm having a shitty day.
Oh, fuck-stick!
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Now, I know this is tricky,
given your relationship,
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so I'm going to give you the
evening to think about it.
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I forbid it!
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You forbid it?
What? Who are you? Julius Caesar?
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Who the hell is Julius Caesar?
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You know I don't follow the N.B.A.
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Look, I am so sorry
that this happened, Ron,
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but you and I, we're
partners, sweetheart.
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And when something good happens
to me, it also happens to you.
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That's ridiculous!
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It clearly just happened to you!
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You... Oh! Be quiet.
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Mom?
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I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Burgundy.
He no go to sleep.
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Damn it, Lupita, what have you been
doing up there? Eating nachos?
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00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:06,826
Mommy? Daddy?
Why are you yelling at each other?
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00:07:06,827 --> 00:07:09,562
Did Mom touch Dad's hair again?
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Walter, honey, why don't you
just go to bed, all right?
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Mommy and Daddy are just
having a discussion.
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No! He needs to hear this.
He's six years old. He's a man.
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Walter, listen to me.
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Life isn't a fairy tale.
It's not a bunch of
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jumping rope and grabbing ass.
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It's complicated.
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What do you want to do with your life?
What do you want to be when you grow up?
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I want to be an
astronaut or a cowboy!
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You're never going to
be any of those, okay?
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Ron!
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You've got to set
the bar a lot lower.
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Service industry.
Fry cook. Prison guard.
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00:07:40,694 --> 00:07:43,596
Maybe you're a lighting
guy at a porn shoot.
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00:07:43,597 --> 00:07:47,800
Which basically means you hold up a
flashlight while adults do things.
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He is a child, Ron!
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Nah, nah, nah!
He's got hair on his nugs.
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He's old enough to hear this.
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Your father is a wise man.
I will lock you in a closet!
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Veronica, here's the bottom line.
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It's a very simple decision.
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It's either me or the job.
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It doesn't have
to be a choice, Ron.
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Don't do this.
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Don't throw away everything
that we've worked so hard for.
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Me...
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...or the job.
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Hello, and welcome
to the 3:10 Dolphin Show at SeaWorld.
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Sponsored by British Petroleum.
B.P. Oil, nature's best friend.
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And now, here's your host,
Ron Burgundy.
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Good afternoon, everyone.
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And welcome to
world-famous SeaWorld,
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here in San Diago, California.
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Here's a fun fact, dolphins aren't fish.
They're mammals.
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Here's another fun fact,
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I haven't felt the loving
embrace of a human being
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in over three months.
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I'm so lonely I paid a
hobo to spoon with me.
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Let's bring out our
world-class trainers here,
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Jesse and Paula.
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Thank you.
Thank you, Ron.
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Sometimes I try to kiss 'em.
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Oh, Ron Burgundy, everyone.
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I want to kiss you.
No.
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Or I'll kiss your friend.
No.
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How about the two trainers kiss
each other? What do you say, huh?
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So, let's say hello to
the stars of the show,
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Chippy and Roo-roo!
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For your information,
Chippy was rehabilitated
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and Roo-roo
is an asshole.
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Ooh!
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Look, they're swimming
and doing tricks!
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Folks, what do you expect?
They're dolphins.
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What did you say?
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00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:02,635
Look at you,
with that permanent smile.
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00:10:02,636 --> 00:10:04,737
You think you're so smart,
with your secret language.
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00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:06,378
You just fart out
of the top of your head.
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00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:11,010
You're a punk, Ron Burgundy!
Boo!
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Children and animals
hate you, Ron Burgundy!
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00:10:14,314 --> 00:10:17,083
I would eat dolphins
if it was legal!
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00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:19,150
Unhand me, you buffoons!
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00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:24,123
All right, first, you threw
up in the shark tank.
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00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:26,826
Then you fed the seals
a chicken gyro?
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00:10:26,827 --> 00:10:30,229
And now this?
You're fired, you washed-up drunk!
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00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:32,164
Guess what, Trevor?
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00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:34,033
Every morning I get
here a half hour early
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00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:36,369
and I sexually assault a starfish!
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This is the end of the road.
I'm not turning back.
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00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:44,844
Well, I know it's not
a pretty sight.
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00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:46,385
And you're gonna be
the sole witness.
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00:10:46,912 --> 00:10:49,114
If you can't handle it,
you leave the room.
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00:10:50,182 --> 00:10:52,184
It's too late, Baxter.
198
00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:56,088
I'm going the way
of the ancient samurai
199
00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:57,757
who, when dishonored,
200
00:10:57,758 --> 00:10:59,892
would hang themselves
from a fluorescent light.
201
00:11:01,361 --> 00:11:04,028
Goodbye, my sweet hairy prince.
202
00:11:05,131 --> 00:11:06,132
Oh!
203
00:11:08,434 --> 00:11:09,969
Oh!
204
00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:12,104
Sweet cream on nipples!
205
00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:13,873
Uh, Mr. Burgundy?
206
00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:16,875
Hello, I...
Oh, my God!
207
00:11:17,276 --> 00:11:19,145
What the hell happened?
208
00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:21,246
Um... Um...
209
00:11:21,847 --> 00:11:23,883
I tried to hang myself?
210
00:11:23,884 --> 00:11:25,316
Because my life's a mess?
211
00:11:26,018 --> 00:11:28,154
And I saw no other option?
212
00:11:28,155 --> 00:11:30,089
I think you're telling the truth,
213
00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:32,358
but why are you saying
it like you're lying?
214
00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:35,327
It was a call for help?
But it didn't work because
215
00:11:35,328 --> 00:11:37,095
I'm too heavy and the
ceiling lamp broke?
216
00:11:37,897 --> 00:11:39,932
Something like that?
217
00:11:39,933 --> 00:11:42,702
Yeah, I... I think you're
telling the truth.
218
00:11:42,703 --> 00:11:44,369
I am.
That's what happened.
219
00:11:46,172 --> 00:11:49,709
Mmm. These are
first-rate flapjacks.
220
00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:52,078
I'm telling you, suicide
makes you hungry,
221
00:11:52,079 --> 00:11:53,946
I don't care what anyone says.
222
00:11:53,947 --> 00:11:55,481
My name is Freddie Shapp,
223
00:11:55,482 --> 00:11:59,051
and I'm a producer
of a new kind of news.
224
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:01,220
We're starting
a 24-hour news channel.
225
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:02,855
First of its kind!
226
00:12:02,856 --> 00:12:05,725
GNN. The Global News Network.
227
00:12:08,227 --> 00:12:10,296
That is without a doubt
228
00:12:10,297 --> 00:12:12,998
the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
229
00:12:12,999 --> 00:12:16,235
You mean news going 24
hours around the clock?
230
00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:18,771
A channel that's never
off, in other words?
231
00:12:18,772 --> 00:12:22,475
Yeah. Yeah. Just 24 hours. It's, uh...
232
00:12:22,476 --> 00:12:26,178
No offense, but you
are a stupid asshole.
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00:12:26,179 --> 00:12:29,882
Mr. Burgundy, I assure you
we are 100% for real.
234
00:12:29,883 --> 00:12:32,318
We've got state-of-the-art
facilities in Manhattan.
235
00:12:32,319 --> 00:12:35,054
And Kench Allenby,
multi-millionaire
236
00:12:35,055 --> 00:12:36,856
and owner of Koala Airlines.
237
00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:39,158
So glad he was acquitted of murder.
238
00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:41,761
I'm a big Kench Allenby guy.
239
00:12:41,762 --> 00:12:44,430
He's funding the whole network.
He believes in it.
240
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:46,532
I don't think you
understand, Freddie.
241
00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:49,401
My hero, Mack Tannen, told me
242
00:12:49,402 --> 00:12:52,036
I was the worst journalist
he'd ever seen.
243
00:12:53,339 --> 00:12:55,241
I'm not good enough.
244
00:12:55,242 --> 00:12:56,876
Here.
245
00:12:56,877 --> 00:12:59,010
This is your first week's salary.
246
00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:03,615
By the hymen of Olivia Newton-John!
247
00:13:04,283 --> 00:13:05,650
What do you say, Ron?
248
00:13:07,553 --> 00:13:10,189
I'll take the job.
249
00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:13,191
And I swear I'll be
number one again.
250
00:13:13,959 --> 00:13:16,328
I'll take back my son,
251
00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:18,264
restore my reputation,
252
00:13:18,265 --> 00:13:20,199
and make everything
right with Veronica.
253
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,234
But more importantly,
254
00:13:22,235 --> 00:13:24,270
I'm going to do
what God put Ron Burgundy
255
00:13:24,271 --> 00:13:26,872
on this Earth to do.
256
00:13:26,873 --> 00:13:29,340
Have salon-quality hair
and read the news.
257
00:13:30,075 --> 00:13:33,546
Ron... You've made my day.
258
00:13:33,547 --> 00:13:36,248
I've got the best damn
news team in the world.
259
00:13:36,249 --> 00:13:39,251
Your call.
I just have to find them.
260
00:13:48,060 --> 00:13:51,463
San Diago. Looks like we begin
our search right here at home.
261
00:13:51,464 --> 00:13:53,365
Last I heard, Champ Kind was fired
262
00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:55,568
for being drunk
on the air and saying,
263
00:13:55,569 --> 00:13:57,536
"The only Olympic sport
Filipinos are good at
264
00:13:57,537 --> 00:13:59,305
"is eating cats and dogs."
265
00:14:02,975 --> 00:14:05,144
- Who loves chicken? You do!
- We do!
266
00:14:05,145 --> 00:14:07,446
♪ Delicious chicken
Swing on through
267
00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:09,615
♪ Meet the crew, hoo-hoo!
268
00:14:09,616 --> 00:14:12,184
I'm local San Diego
legend Champ Kind,
269
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,886
and I believe in two things.
270
00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:15,955
Good chicken, and that the census
271
00:14:15,956 --> 00:14:19,191
is a way for the U.N. to
make your children gay.
272
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:21,360
So come on by and grab a wing.
273
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:24,530
'Cause when you do,
you'll say, "Whammy!"
274
00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:26,398
No Catholics or Jews admitted.
275
00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:27,900
All right, there you go.
276
00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:30,970
One Whammy Special,
with Whammy Slaw.
277
00:14:30,971 --> 00:14:33,873
There's a used Band-Aid
in my coleslaw.
278
00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:35,608
My gosh, let me take care of that.
279
00:14:35,609 --> 00:14:37,243
Get out of here before
280
00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:39,478
I smash your head in,
you Commie bastard!
281
00:14:39,479 --> 00:14:41,659
If you're from the census,
you take me off your list!
282
00:14:43,349 --> 00:14:45,618
You never did have much
of a bedside manner, Champ.
283
00:14:45,619 --> 00:14:47,987
Ron? Ron Burgundy?
284
00:14:47,988 --> 00:14:50,256
Get over here!
How are you, friend?
285
00:14:50,257 --> 00:14:52,591
God, I have longed for you.
286
00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:54,126
It's good to see you, too.
287
00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:55,360
Oh, this feels like home.
288
00:14:56,128 --> 00:14:57,463
Are you all right?
289
00:14:57,464 --> 00:14:59,632
Yeah, I'm fine.
Better now.
290
00:14:59,633 --> 00:15:02,133
Okay, let's break
the huddle here, huh?
291
00:15:03,235 --> 00:15:04,603
Okay. All right.
All right.
292
00:15:04,604 --> 00:15:06,472
You get back here! Oh!
293
00:15:06,473 --> 00:15:08,474
Don't be weird!
294
00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:10,943
So, anyway,
Harken sat me down, he said,
295
00:15:10,944 --> 00:15:14,113
"Champ, you're a dangerous
alcoholic, a racist,
296
00:15:14,114 --> 00:15:16,482
"and I don't think you
know a lick about sports."
297
00:15:16,483 --> 00:15:18,951
And I said, "Ed, you dirty Polack,
298
00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:20,419
"it's 10:00 in the morning.
299
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:23,022
"Let's go have some drinks
and go to a baseball game
300
00:15:23,023 --> 00:15:26,025
"where the Mexicans hit some touchdowns."
Then he fires me!
301
00:15:26,026 --> 00:15:28,294
Fortunately,
on the way out the door,
302
00:15:28,295 --> 00:15:30,329
I fake a work injury.
303
00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:32,398
With the settlement,
I bought this place.
304
00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:34,579
Well, I'm glad to see you
landed on your feet, Champ.
305
00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:37,236
Listen, can I ask you a question?
306
00:15:37,237 --> 00:15:38,503
Sure. Anything.
307
00:15:39,138 --> 00:15:40,572
Is... Is this chicken?
308
00:15:40,573 --> 00:15:43,075
Oh, hell, no.
309
00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:46,445
It's really impossible to turn a
profit if you serve real chicken.
310
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:48,314
Yeah. We use mainly bats.
311
00:15:48,315 --> 00:15:49,648
What?
312
00:15:49,649 --> 00:15:52,284
Yeah. But the good quality kind.
313
00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:55,220
That's the most horrible
thing I've ever heard.
314
00:15:55,221 --> 00:15:57,256
Yeah? You got to do
what you got to do, right?
315
00:15:57,257 --> 00:15:59,458
So what you got to do
is serve fried bats?
316
00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:02,161
Yep. Do you know
what they call bats?
317
00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:04,563
Bats.
"Chicken of the cave."
318
00:16:04,564 --> 00:16:06,498
No one calls them
"chicken of the cave."
319
00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:08,367
Who's "they," by the way?
320
00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:10,569
There's a guy I met named Paco,
321
00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:12,404
sells bikers speed at the pier.
322
00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:14,340
So that guy calls them
323
00:16:14,341 --> 00:16:15,481
"chicken of the cave."
Yeah.
324
00:16:16,175 --> 00:16:17,977
That's not "they."
325
00:16:17,978 --> 00:16:20,179
Why don't you have a bite
and stop judging it?
326
00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:23,115
I'm not going to bite into a fried bat.
It's delicious.
327
00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:24,583
It's all tendon. Look at it.
328
00:16:27,419 --> 00:16:29,121
Was that a bat?
329
00:16:29,122 --> 00:16:31,290
Chicken of the cave.
330
00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:33,258
What brings you here, Ron?
331
00:16:33,259 --> 00:16:36,428
My friend, we've got a job.
In New York City.
332
00:16:36,429 --> 00:16:38,397
Whammy! I'm in!
333
00:16:38,398 --> 00:16:40,566
You've got yourself a sportscaster.
Oh, great.
334
00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:41,766
Denny!
335
00:16:43,302 --> 00:16:45,270
Lock up!
336
00:16:45,271 --> 00:16:48,307
Any idea where Brian Fantana is?
You haven't heard?
337
00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:49,740
Fantana hit the big time.
338
00:16:50,275 --> 00:16:52,310
Aw, baby.
339
00:16:53,612 --> 00:16:57,349
Yeah, that's it, play for me.
Just play around.
340
00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:59,550
Roll around and lift
those legs up. Mmm!
341
00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:03,122
You are a hairy little thing,
aren't you?
342
00:17:04,324 --> 00:17:07,493
Yeah. Oh, I like
what's happening!
343
00:17:07,494 --> 00:17:10,396
Oh, that's it.
Yeah. Yeah.
344
00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:13,131
Oh, you little fuzzball,
that's... Oh!
345
00:17:15,334 --> 00:17:17,503
I got it.
346
00:17:17,504 --> 00:17:19,670
It's not getting
any better than that.
347
00:17:20,506 --> 00:17:22,508
That's brilliant!
Yeah, yeah.
348
00:17:22,509 --> 00:17:24,609
Hey, Brian, you have any
time for the little people?
349
00:17:27,746 --> 00:17:29,814
Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.
350
00:17:33,452 --> 00:17:35,654
Hey, Brian.
Champ! How you doing?
351
00:17:35,655 --> 00:17:37,256
Hey!
352
00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:38,557
Wow. This is a...
Cool it!
353
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,359
Oh, I can't believe...
354
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:42,061
Oh, wow.
It's great to see you!
355
00:17:42,062 --> 00:17:46,298
Welcome. Welcome to my doj'.
This place is spectacular!
356
00:17:46,324 --> 00:17:48,133
It's amazing.
A bit chaotic today.
357
00:17:48,134 --> 00:17:50,135
We got the Cat Fancy
cover coming out.
358
00:17:50,136 --> 00:17:51,737
You know how that can be. Ooh.
359
00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:53,305
I've been living in a tent
for the last two years.
360
00:17:53,306 --> 00:17:54,640
Oh, yeah, this is not that.
361
00:17:54,641 --> 00:17:56,408
We got a sauna in the kitchen.
362
00:17:56,409 --> 00:18:00,079
A lot of people think that's
weird, but I keep wine in it.
363
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,314
I'm not a wine guy, but I
know you got to keep it hot.
364
00:18:02,315 --> 00:18:04,383
Oh, and check this out.
365
00:18:04,384 --> 00:18:06,518
This... This was fun.
366
00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:09,488
- We shot this over two weeks in Prague.
- Wow.
367
00:18:09,489 --> 00:18:11,723
You know what they call cats?
368
00:18:11,724 --> 00:18:14,259
Chicken of the rail yard.
No.
369
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:16,228
What?
Don't indulge him.
370
00:18:16,229 --> 00:18:17,996
- Yeah.
- There's a lot of meat.
371
00:18:17,997 --> 00:18:19,531
But I love it.
372
00:18:19,532 --> 00:18:22,167
And what's so great about
it is it's so damn true.
373
00:18:22,168 --> 00:18:23,535
I hate Mondays!
374
00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:25,437
I'm not a Monday guy.
375
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:27,506
Ron hates Mondays.
376
00:18:27,507 --> 00:18:29,708
Hell, I'm not crazy
about them, either.
377
00:18:29,709 --> 00:18:32,277
I also don't like Tuesdays,
Wednesdays or Thursdays.
378
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:35,180
So why are you guys here, anyway?
379
00:18:35,181 --> 00:18:36,715
Well, Brian,
380
00:18:36,716 --> 00:18:39,151
we're getting the news team
back together again.
381
00:18:39,152 --> 00:18:40,619
Really?
382
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,921
And, of course, we want to
know if you'll join us.
383
00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:44,356
Jeez, I don't know.
384
00:18:44,357 --> 00:18:46,625
I kind of got the world
by the tail here. I...
385
00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:49,828
I don't know if I can.
Christ, I get it.
386
00:18:49,829 --> 00:18:53,398
I mean, you're the Quincy Jones of cat
photographers. Why would you leave all this?
387
00:18:53,399 --> 00:18:54,833
Hey, Brian,
I don't know if you heard,
388
00:18:54,834 --> 00:18:57,301
but New York has
all-nude strip clubs.
389
00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:02,541
The question still remains...
390
00:19:02,542 --> 00:19:04,143
Where's Brick Tamland?
391
00:19:04,144 --> 00:19:05,444
Oh.
392
00:19:05,445 --> 00:19:07,146
You guys didn't hear?
393
00:19:07,147 --> 00:19:08,514
No, what happened?
394
00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:09,580
Brick's...
395
00:19:11,250 --> 00:19:12,516
Dead.
396
00:19:21,226 --> 00:19:22,561
Brick was lost at sea
397
00:19:22,562 --> 00:19:24,530
- about a year ago.
- Oh.
398
00:19:24,531 --> 00:19:26,665
Thought he saw a bird and
he swam out to pet it.
399
00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:28,433
He never came back.
400
00:19:28,434 --> 00:19:30,936
We all loved Brick,
401
00:19:30,937 --> 00:19:33,572
even though he never
had a phone number,
402
00:19:33,573 --> 00:19:36,942
or address or
Social Security number.
403
00:19:36,943 --> 00:19:38,844
In six years of
working at the station,
404
00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:40,512
he never cashed a paycheck.
405
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:41,813
That sweet Brick.
406
00:19:41,814 --> 00:19:43,448
He was a sensitive man, though.
407
00:19:43,449 --> 00:19:45,617
He told me he wanted
to donate his organs
408
00:19:45,618 --> 00:19:48,687
to science before he died,
409
00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:50,788
so he could see
where they ended up.
410
00:19:51,623 --> 00:19:53,659
He'll long be remembered
411
00:19:53,660 --> 00:19:55,059
and he'll be sorely missed.
412
00:20:00,299 --> 00:20:01,832
Thank you, Reverend.
413
00:20:02,467 --> 00:20:04,836
Oh.
Oh, come on!
414
00:20:04,837 --> 00:20:07,206
- Brick was a great man.
- Really?
415
00:20:07,207 --> 00:20:08,774
And I will miss him so much.
416
00:20:08,775 --> 00:20:11,343
And I will not rest
until I find his killer.
417
00:20:11,344 --> 00:20:13,278
What?
His killer?
418
00:20:13,279 --> 00:20:15,646
It is hard for me to believe
that he is gone.
419
00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:18,650
He's not gone.
420
00:20:18,651 --> 00:20:21,587
I feel that
I just saw him yesterday.
421
00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:23,589
You were probably talking
to yourself in a mirror.
422
00:20:23,590 --> 00:20:26,925
When I got the news...
423
00:20:26,926 --> 00:20:29,861
I didn't even know
how to make sense out of it!
424
00:20:29,862 --> 00:20:31,430
None of us understand!
425
00:20:31,431 --> 00:20:33,732
Why? Why?
426
00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:36,001
Why did you take him from us?
427
00:20:36,002 --> 00:20:38,303
You're clearly standing
in front of us, Brick.
428
00:20:38,304 --> 00:20:39,771
God damn you!
429
00:20:39,772 --> 00:20:41,940
Brick!
Brick is dead!
430
00:20:41,941 --> 00:20:43,709
No, Brick's alive.
Brick is dead!
431
00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:45,410
Look at him!
He's not dead.
432
00:20:45,411 --> 00:20:46,545
He's not dead, Brick. You're not dead.
433
00:20:46,546 --> 00:20:47,813
You're Brick!
Brick, it's you!
434
00:20:47,814 --> 00:20:49,615
He's dead!
435
00:20:49,616 --> 00:20:52,751
No! You are Brick! Touch yourself.
436
00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:55,387
- I am Brick?
- Yes!
437
00:20:55,388 --> 00:20:57,589
- I'm alive?
- Yes!
438
00:20:57,590 --> 00:20:58,857
Of course.
439
00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:00,559
Of course you are.
440
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,427
Oh, for heaven's sake.
441
00:21:02,428 --> 00:21:04,663
You kind of want to slug him.
You want to slug him.
442
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:11,937
Do you remember our
Easter trip to San Francisco?
443
00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:14,840
We got so drunk, we put
Brick in a refrigerator box
444
00:21:14,841 --> 00:21:17,441
and threw him off
the Golden Gate Bridge.
445
00:21:18,510 --> 00:21:21,480
I broke my back!
446
00:21:21,481 --> 00:21:23,348
What about the time
that you dared Champ
447
00:21:23,349 --> 00:21:25,751
to drink that beer stein
full of Woolite?
448
00:21:25,752 --> 00:21:27,953
He drained it faster than you
could say, "No, don't do it.
449
00:21:27,954 --> 00:21:29,721
"That's the equivalent
of drinking poison."
450
00:21:31,891 --> 00:21:35,427
Oh, Lord, I was in
a six-month coma.
451
00:21:35,428 --> 00:21:37,729
And they say from the
neurological damage,
452
00:21:37,730 --> 00:21:40,498
there's no way I live past 55!
453
00:21:42,668 --> 00:21:44,603
You got three
years left, my friend.
454
00:21:44,604 --> 00:21:46,437
You're gonna die!
455
00:21:48,707 --> 00:21:51,376
Hey, hey, remember?
I was by myself
456
00:21:51,377 --> 00:21:54,479
and I had that dream
about the orange tree.
457
00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:57,014
But instead of oranges,
it had babies on it.
458
00:21:57,883 --> 00:22:00,986
It was a baby tree!
459
00:22:00,987 --> 00:22:03,755
Brick, how could we remember?
It's your dream.
460
00:22:03,756 --> 00:22:06,690
I don't know.
It's all the same thing.
461
00:22:09,094 --> 00:22:11,930
It's an interesting dream,
but we're telling stories
462
00:22:11,931 --> 00:22:13,765
involving the entire
news team from the past.
463
00:22:16,002 --> 00:22:21,006
Or how about the time when I was
born and I came out of the vagina?
464
00:22:22,809 --> 00:22:27,611
I was screaming, "Here I come! Oh!
Here I come, Mom!"
465
00:22:29,715 --> 00:22:32,451
First off, Brick, I highly doubt
you remember your own birth.
466
00:22:32,452 --> 00:22:35,020
And, once again,
we weren't there.
467
00:22:38,490 --> 00:22:40,125
Ron, I can't...
468
00:22:40,126 --> 00:22:42,828
I can't stop laughing, Ron!
469
00:22:42,829 --> 00:22:44,663
Put a pencil in his mouth.
470
00:22:44,664 --> 00:22:45,830
It's okay.
471
00:22:46,565 --> 00:22:47,799
There you go.
472
00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:49,901
I'm okay now.
473
00:22:49,902 --> 00:22:52,838
Man, this just feels right!
The news team is back!
474
00:22:52,839 --> 00:22:54,138
Ron,
475
00:22:54,940 --> 00:22:57,576
Brian, Brick, me, even Baxter!
476
00:22:59,712 --> 00:23:01,645
That old man
is so little and hairy!
477
00:23:02,881 --> 00:23:04,449
Hey, Ron, who's driving?
478
00:23:04,450 --> 00:23:06,030
Oh, it's okay,
it's on cruise control.
479
00:23:08,687 --> 00:23:11,089
Who wants some chimichangas, huh?
480
00:23:11,090 --> 00:23:12,791
Best thing I ever did was install
481
00:23:12,792 --> 00:23:14,826
this deep fryer in the 'bago.
482
00:23:14,827 --> 00:23:17,462
Ron, why do you have
this bag of bowling balls
483
00:23:17,463 --> 00:23:19,731
and this terrarium filled
with scorpions?
484
00:23:19,732 --> 00:23:22,868
- Oh, it's a long, crazy story!
- Hey, Ron.
485
00:23:22,869 --> 00:23:25,049
Cruise control just regulates
speed, it doesn't steer.
486
00:23:26,104 --> 00:23:27,538
- Come again?
- Oh!
487
00:24:27,165 --> 00:24:29,634
Well, that is gonna
make one hell of a story.
488
00:24:37,242 --> 00:24:40,579
The Big Apple.
Ron Burgundy is back.
489
00:24:40,580 --> 00:24:42,647
Why do they call it
the Big Apple, Ron?
490
00:24:42,648 --> 00:24:45,049
Because New York has
an apple tree on every street.
491
00:24:48,119 --> 00:24:50,921
Here we are.
Welcome to GNN.
492
00:24:54,493 --> 00:24:57,095
I don't know, Ron.
You sure about this place?
493
00:24:57,096 --> 00:24:59,698
Guys, I know it's a bit
of a mess, but trust me,
494
00:24:59,699 --> 00:25:02,601
everything will be ready
for the launch tomorrow.
495
00:25:02,602 --> 00:25:06,271
And we've culled the whole
country for the best newsmen.
496
00:25:06,272 --> 00:25:07,906
There's Curtis Knightfish
from Houston.
497
00:25:07,907 --> 00:25:09,541
Oh, Curtis Knightfish.
498
00:25:09,542 --> 00:25:11,243
They don't get
any better than that.
499
00:25:11,244 --> 00:25:14,946
And there's Diane
Yahwea from Carson City.
500
00:25:14,947 --> 00:25:16,882
Diane Yahwea.
You know what they call her, right?
501
00:25:16,883 --> 00:25:18,650
"All the Way Yahwea."
502
00:25:18,651 --> 00:25:20,151
She's my aunt.
503
00:25:20,152 --> 00:25:22,187
And the best in the biz.
504
00:25:22,188 --> 00:25:25,257
Jack Lime, out of Chicago.
505
00:25:25,258 --> 00:25:29,594
Rumor is Allenby is giving
him one mil a year.
506
00:25:29,595 --> 00:25:31,415
That's crazy.
Who's worth that kind of money?
507
00:25:33,098 --> 00:25:36,835
Oh, my God!
He's absolutely magnificent!
508
00:25:36,836 --> 00:25:39,204
I bet his poop
smells like sandalwood.
509
00:25:39,205 --> 00:25:41,139
Can I help you, guy?
510
00:25:41,140 --> 00:25:42,741
What was that?
511
00:25:42,742 --> 00:25:44,242
I said,
"Can I help you, guy?"
512
00:25:44,243 --> 00:25:46,878
Uh...
What do you mean?
513
00:25:46,879 --> 00:25:49,014
Well, you're staring
at me, hotshot.
514
00:25:49,015 --> 00:25:50,849
Do you want my autograph?
515
00:25:52,885 --> 00:25:54,819
No, he was just explaining
516
00:25:54,820 --> 00:25:56,855
who you were and I
was looking at you.
517
00:25:56,856 --> 00:25:58,089
And then he said something
518
00:25:58,090 --> 00:26:00,025
and I was still looking at you.
519
00:26:06,765 --> 00:26:08,700
Jack Lime is a great man!
520
00:26:11,037 --> 00:26:13,838
Is that what I sound like when I talk?
521
00:26:16,174 --> 00:26:17,776
Is there a problem?
522
00:26:17,777 --> 00:26:20,045
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No problem.
523
00:26:20,046 --> 00:26:22,113
Well, you're making a face
like you got a problem.
524
00:26:22,114 --> 00:26:24,115
Um, I'm sorry that
I'm making that face.
525
00:26:24,116 --> 00:26:27,152
I don't mean to make a face that
seems like I have a problem.
526
00:26:27,153 --> 00:26:30,322
I don't like that face! You need
to change it, and change it quick.
527
00:26:30,323 --> 00:26:31,823
Stop making that face.
528
00:26:31,824 --> 00:26:33,825
Is this face better?
529
00:26:33,826 --> 00:26:38,396
Oh, I don't like... Oh, that new
face is driving me crazy! Change it, now!
530
00:26:38,397 --> 00:26:39,598
You're getting him mad.
531
00:26:39,599 --> 00:26:41,331
I only have so many faces.
532
00:26:43,134 --> 00:26:45,136
I'm just grinding your
gears, man.
533
00:26:45,137 --> 00:26:47,172
Welcome to the station!
534
00:26:47,173 --> 00:26:49,440
We're going to have
a good time together.
535
00:26:50,642 --> 00:26:54,613
Oh, my God.
That's vintage Jack Lime.
536
00:26:54,614 --> 00:26:55,814
Come on, guys.
537
00:26:55,815 --> 00:26:57,649
Let's go meet the boss.
538
00:26:57,650 --> 00:26:59,651
We'll have separate cameras
539
00:26:59,652 --> 00:27:02,787
for you, and then sports
and then weather.
540
00:27:02,788 --> 00:27:04,956
Let me ask you this, Freddie,
how's the new head honcho?
541
00:27:04,957 --> 00:27:09,060
Well, Linda Jackson has
a shelf full of Emmys.
542
00:27:09,061 --> 00:27:12,931
She's as tough as nails.
And Linda loves to win.
543
00:27:12,932 --> 00:27:15,133
Oh, hey, Linda!
544
00:27:15,134 --> 00:27:18,269
I want to introduce you
to Ron Burgundy.
545
00:27:18,270 --> 00:27:21,106
Linda Jackson.
How are you, my friend?
546
00:27:21,107 --> 00:27:22,072
Ron.
547
00:27:22,974 --> 00:27:24,408
This is Linda Jackson.
548
00:27:25,210 --> 00:27:26,410
Hello, Mr. Burgundy.
549
00:27:27,045 --> 00:27:28,946
Oh. Uh...
550
00:27:29,848 --> 00:27:30,981
Black.
551
00:27:32,417 --> 00:27:34,218
Black.
Jesus, just stop, Ron.
552
00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:36,421
I'm terribly sorry.
553
00:27:36,422 --> 00:27:38,856
I don't know why
I can't stop saying...
554
00:27:39,424 --> 00:27:41,292
Black. The word "black."
555
00:27:41,293 --> 00:27:43,028
Hello, Mr. Burgundy.
556
00:27:43,029 --> 00:27:44,929
Black.
Stop.
557
00:27:44,930 --> 00:27:46,231
Black.
558
00:27:46,232 --> 00:27:47,297
Stop saying "black."
559
00:27:52,404 --> 00:27:55,340
Black. If I don't say it, I'll pass out.
Stop saying it!
560
00:27:55,341 --> 00:27:57,409
Uh, Donna, can you please
get me a cup of coffee?
561
00:27:57,410 --> 00:27:59,678
Right away, Ms. Jackson.
Thank you.
562
00:27:59,679 --> 00:28:01,813
Please be seated. Everyone.
Sure.
563
00:28:01,814 --> 00:28:03,013
Please be seated.
564
00:28:05,984 --> 00:28:10,255
Great. So I know that all of you are aware
that the news community is laughing
565
00:28:10,256 --> 00:28:12,357
at what we're trying to do
here at 24-hour news.
566
00:28:12,358 --> 00:28:13,958
But that is why they brought me in.
567
00:28:13,959 --> 00:28:17,896
She's the best!
You see, gentlemen, I don't lose.
568
00:28:17,897 --> 00:28:20,064
Listen, I feel like
I need to clear the air.
569
00:28:20,065 --> 00:28:21,366
Oh, please don't.
570
00:28:21,367 --> 00:28:23,168
I want to say, on behalf
of the entire news team,
571
00:28:23,169 --> 00:28:26,204
we are huge supporters of all
572
00:28:26,205 --> 00:28:27,972
African and Americans.
573
00:28:27,973 --> 00:28:30,475
Veronica got so tan!
574
00:28:30,476 --> 00:28:33,211
I remember the first African
and American I ever saw.
575
00:28:33,212 --> 00:28:35,113
It's African-American.
576
00:28:35,114 --> 00:28:37,148
Are you sure?
Yeah.
577
00:28:37,149 --> 00:28:39,350
Absolutely 100% positive?
It isn't like...
578
00:28:39,351 --> 00:28:40,719
Ron...
579
00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:42,387
Fish and chips?
580
00:28:42,388 --> 00:28:44,889
Hey, we're all the
same on the inside,
581
00:28:44,890 --> 00:28:46,825
stinky and pink.
582
00:28:46,826 --> 00:28:48,193
When I was in high school,
me and my buddies
583
00:28:48,194 --> 00:28:49,894
used to sneak in
the girls' locker room.
584
00:28:49,895 --> 00:28:53,098
We'd peek at the girls in the shower,
and I'd look at all of them,
585
00:28:53,099 --> 00:28:54,766
no matter what color they were.
586
00:28:54,767 --> 00:28:56,234
So...
587
00:28:56,235 --> 00:28:59,404
Jesus, this is the worst
meeting I've ever been in.
588
00:28:59,405 --> 00:29:02,006
A black man follows me
everywhere when it's sunny.
589
00:29:02,007 --> 00:29:03,842
Actually, I think that's
your shadow, Brick.
590
00:29:03,843 --> 00:29:05,777
I call him Leon.
591
00:29:05,778 --> 00:29:08,045
And if it's a cloudy day,
what happens to Leon?
592
00:29:08,046 --> 00:29:09,013
He goes home.
593
00:29:09,014 --> 00:29:10,982
It's your shadow.
He's talking about his shadow.
594
00:29:10,983 --> 00:29:13,217
Shut your damn mouths!
Sit down!
595
00:29:15,954 --> 00:29:17,388
What's he doing?
596
00:29:17,389 --> 00:29:19,924
I think you scared him.
You can't shout at Brick.
597
00:29:19,925 --> 00:29:22,093
Is he all right?
598
00:29:22,094 --> 00:29:24,395
Can you sing him
a soothing siren song?
599
00:29:24,396 --> 00:29:25,797
Just a high melodic...
600
00:29:28,933 --> 00:29:30,273
I'm not singing along with you.
601
00:29:31,169 --> 00:29:33,171
Oh, come on,
Brick. Brick!
602
00:29:33,172 --> 00:29:34,073
Linda has a balloon.
603
00:29:38,409 --> 00:29:40,078
You better get him a balloon.
604
00:29:40,079 --> 00:29:42,981
Is this for real, Freddie?
Linda, I'm sorry.
605
00:29:42,982 --> 00:29:44,983
No, it's okay!
It's okay.
606
00:29:44,984 --> 00:29:48,353
So you have a black boss, and it's
freaking you out. Is it freaking you out?
607
00:29:48,354 --> 00:29:50,355
A little bit, to be honest.
You freaked out?
608
00:29:50,356 --> 00:29:52,157
Is it freaking you out?
Oh, she's got a knife!
609
00:29:52,158 --> 00:29:54,859
I don't give a shit!
610
00:29:54,860 --> 00:29:56,827
We're not all here to hold
hands and sing Kumbaya.
611
00:29:56,828 --> 00:29:58,496
Black.
612
00:29:58,497 --> 00:30:03,034
So as long as you guys get numbers,
we are gonna get along just fine.
613
00:30:03,035 --> 00:30:06,104
Now, if you don't,
I am gonna be icy.
614
00:30:06,105 --> 00:30:07,438
And unpleasant, you dig?
615
00:30:07,439 --> 00:30:10,575
I dig. We all dig.
616
00:30:10,576 --> 00:30:15,045
I like to dig. One time I went digging
for treasure and I found a half a body.
617
00:30:15,513 --> 00:30:17,582
Get out of my office!
618
00:30:17,583 --> 00:30:19,450
I'm telling you, you can't give
619
00:30:19,451 --> 00:30:21,986
an inch in those situations,
620
00:30:21,987 --> 00:30:23,955
and I think we held our
ground pretty firmly.
621
00:30:23,956 --> 00:30:27,358
Guys. Guys, we got
you an apartment
622
00:30:27,359 --> 00:30:30,295
on the Upper East Side
and a whole new wardrobe.
623
00:30:30,296 --> 00:30:33,264
That's wonderful! When do
we begin our broadcast?
624
00:30:33,265 --> 00:30:34,532
Well, the big launch is tomorrow
625
00:30:34,533 --> 00:30:36,601
at 12:00 noon.
Okay.
626
00:30:36,602 --> 00:30:40,572
You guys are slotted for the
2:00 a.m. to 5:00 a.m. slot.
627
00:30:40,573 --> 00:30:44,142
What? That's the graveyard shift!
628
00:30:44,143 --> 00:30:46,244
"I ain't afraid of no ghost."
629
00:30:46,245 --> 00:30:48,246
Oh, come on, it's
going to be great.
630
00:30:48,247 --> 00:30:50,114
Let's get your keys.
Come on!
631
00:30:52,484 --> 00:30:55,218
- Is there booze in the apartment?
- Of course there's gonna be...
632
00:31:17,475 --> 00:31:19,477
It won't stop.
633
00:31:19,478 --> 00:31:22,346
Sometimes it stops,
but then it starts again.
634
00:31:24,549 --> 00:31:27,317
What are you doing,
Chani? Answer it!
635
00:31:28,486 --> 00:31:30,520
Hi. Yes, let me transfer you.
636
00:31:31,522 --> 00:31:34,192
Your job is to answer the phones.
637
00:31:34,193 --> 00:31:36,527
I'm getting ready for Secret Santa.
When is that again?
638
00:31:36,528 --> 00:31:39,262
It's at Christmastime.
When else would it be?
639
00:31:43,035 --> 00:31:44,735
I'm Brick.
I was dead last week.
640
00:31:45,336 --> 00:31:47,505
I'm Chani.
641
00:31:47,506 --> 00:31:50,408
I like the place between
your head and your body.
642
00:31:50,409 --> 00:31:52,075
I like your hair.
643
00:31:53,478 --> 00:31:55,145
It looks like wet popcorn.
644
00:31:55,647 --> 00:31:57,548
Thank you.
645
00:31:57,549 --> 00:32:00,084
Would you like to see the smile that
I use when I pose for photographs?
646
00:32:00,085 --> 00:32:00,920
Yes, please.
647
00:32:02,687 --> 00:32:04,289
Do you want to see the face I make
648
00:32:04,290 --> 00:32:06,056
when I see a snake
made out of candy?
649
00:32:06,224 --> 00:32:07,290
Yes.
650
00:32:10,461 --> 00:32:11,528
That's good.
651
00:32:12,630 --> 00:32:14,197
What's your favorite time of day?
652
00:32:14,332 --> 00:32:15,399
Now.
653
00:32:17,035 --> 00:32:18,536
What's your favorite time of day?
654
00:32:18,537 --> 00:32:20,103
A minute ago.
655
00:32:21,172 --> 00:32:22,406
Um...
656
00:32:59,711 --> 00:33:01,713
Surprise!
Big daddy's back.
657
00:33:01,714 --> 00:33:03,080
Ron.
658
00:33:04,682 --> 00:33:06,551
What are you doing here?
659
00:33:06,552 --> 00:33:09,721
I'm over at GNN.
I'm living in the city again.
660
00:33:09,722 --> 00:33:12,423
I really wish that you
would have called first.
661
00:33:12,424 --> 00:33:14,459
Look, it doesn't matter whose
fault the break-up was, okay?
662
00:33:14,460 --> 00:33:16,361
I was stubborn.
663
00:33:16,362 --> 00:33:18,463
You were like a mentally ill whore
664
00:33:18,464 --> 00:33:20,732
having PMS from the 1800s.
665
00:33:20,733 --> 00:33:22,700
What's your point, Ron?
666
00:33:22,701 --> 00:33:24,569
The point is
667
00:33:24,570 --> 00:33:27,238
I'm back home.
668
00:33:27,239 --> 00:33:29,307
And I want to spend
the rest of my life...
669
00:33:29,308 --> 00:33:30,674
Honey, who is it?
670
00:33:36,681 --> 00:33:39,182
Hi, Ron. I'm Gary,
Veronica's lover.
671
00:33:48,059 --> 00:33:50,728
So, is that a gift for me, Ron?
672
00:33:50,729 --> 00:33:52,729
No, it's not.
673
00:33:54,232 --> 00:33:55,198
It's for Walter.
674
00:33:55,333 --> 00:33:57,135
Okay.
675
00:33:57,136 --> 00:33:59,137
So when were you going
to tell me about Gary?
676
00:33:59,138 --> 00:34:01,105
Ron. You walked
out on me.
677
00:34:01,106 --> 00:34:04,242
What did you expect me to do?
678
00:34:04,243 --> 00:34:07,612
Ron. This is awkward,
I know.
679
00:34:07,613 --> 00:34:11,282
I'm sitting here with your wife.
We make love.
680
00:34:11,283 --> 00:34:14,052
I'm this close to shooting
a flare gun at your dick.
681
00:34:14,053 --> 00:34:15,686
Oh, Ron!
682
00:34:15,687 --> 00:34:17,789
So what does this Gary
do for a living, huh?
683
00:34:17,790 --> 00:34:19,357
Have you done a
background check on him?
684
00:34:19,358 --> 00:34:22,660
Gary is actually one
of the most successful
685
00:34:22,661 --> 00:34:25,797
psychologists in all of Manhattan, Ron.
Really sweet.
686
00:34:25,798 --> 00:34:27,532
Are you reading my mind right now?
687
00:34:27,533 --> 00:34:30,200
Ron, do you even know
what a psychologist is?
688
00:34:31,402 --> 00:34:32,669
Fuck you.
689
00:34:33,604 --> 00:34:35,273
Ron!
690
00:34:35,274 --> 00:34:36,607
- It's okay.
- You stop that!
691
00:34:36,608 --> 00:34:38,109
He's externalizing. That's okay.
692
00:34:38,110 --> 00:34:40,344
No, it's not okay.
He's mad.
693
00:34:40,345 --> 00:34:44,148
You knew I was going to throw that
punch 'cause you're reading my mind!
694
00:34:44,149 --> 00:34:47,285
Mom! I'm home!
695
00:34:47,286 --> 00:34:48,486
Hey, little guy.
Hey, darling.
696
00:34:48,487 --> 00:34:49,920
Hi, Walter.
Hey, Dad.
697
00:34:51,089 --> 00:34:52,723
I missed you!
698
00:34:52,724 --> 00:34:55,560
Walter, your father
has a gift for you.
699
00:34:55,561 --> 00:34:58,528
I have a gift specifically
for you, Walter.
700
00:34:59,564 --> 00:35:00,631
There you go.
701
00:35:00,632 --> 00:35:01,865
Yes, Gary.
702
00:35:07,438 --> 00:35:09,373
Okay, that's actually
for me, Walter.
703
00:35:09,374 --> 00:35:11,509
No, it's not.
It's for Walter.
704
00:35:11,510 --> 00:35:12,709
It's a superhero costume.
705
00:35:13,111 --> 00:35:15,213
What is it?
706
00:35:15,214 --> 00:35:17,582
It's "Lace Man."
It's a brand new superhero.
707
00:35:17,583 --> 00:35:20,218
I'm going to be Lace Man!
708
00:35:20,219 --> 00:35:21,719
Look, Ron.
Joint custody isn't easy.
709
00:35:21,720 --> 00:35:23,321
But what we need to do is
710
00:35:23,322 --> 00:35:26,124
rally around this little
guy right now, okay?
711
00:35:26,125 --> 00:35:27,525
That's never gonna happen.
712
00:35:27,526 --> 00:35:29,460
Oh...
Excuse me?
713
00:35:29,461 --> 00:35:31,462
Because you, Veronica,
are unfit to be a mother!
714
00:35:31,463 --> 00:35:32,797
Need I remind you
715
00:35:32,798 --> 00:35:35,533
that you took that
child to a cock fight?
716
00:35:35,534 --> 00:35:38,703
I'm Lace Man!
The game of champions!
He had the time of his life!
717
00:35:38,704 --> 00:35:40,605
He came home splattered in blood!
718
00:35:40,606 --> 00:35:43,608
He picked eight winning cocks.
It's never been done!
719
00:35:43,609 --> 00:35:46,176
You have never tried
to connect with Walter.
720
00:35:47,179 --> 00:35:49,213
All right, let's keep it
civil in front of the boy.
721
00:35:49,214 --> 00:35:53,484
It's bad enough his mother likes
to go down on rodeo clowns.
722
00:35:53,485 --> 00:35:54,785
Okay, you know what, out!
All right. Get your things! Let's go.
723
00:35:54,786 --> 00:35:56,254
Fine. I'm out of here.
724
00:35:56,255 --> 00:35:57,922
Don't have to tell me twice.
Get your things.
725
00:35:57,923 --> 00:36:00,625
We'll see you guys later.
Yes, you will.
726
00:36:00,626 --> 00:36:03,361
Goodbye, Dad!
Thanks for the present.
727
00:36:03,362 --> 00:36:06,564
Goodbye, Walter, my little man.
728
00:36:06,565 --> 00:36:08,398
You promise to do
good in school, okay?
729
00:36:09,433 --> 00:36:10,902
Okay.
And stay away from the he-shes
730
00:36:10,903 --> 00:36:12,336
Ron!
Down in the Bowery.
731
00:36:12,337 --> 00:36:14,305
Ron, I don't think
that's appropriate.
732
00:36:14,306 --> 00:36:16,274
I'll tell you, those fellas,
733
00:36:16,275 --> 00:36:19,576
they got the looks, they got the
curves, they got the chi-chi's,
734
00:36:20,745 --> 00:36:22,647
and then at some point
during the evening,
735
00:36:22,648 --> 00:36:25,816
you reach down below the belt
looking to get a little muffellita,
736
00:36:25,817 --> 00:36:29,287
and you get a handful
of the Battle of the Bulge.
737
00:36:29,288 --> 00:36:32,256
You hear what I'm saying, Walter?
Yes, I do.
738
00:36:32,257 --> 00:36:35,525
Ron, it was nice meeting you. I
think it's time for you to go.
739
00:36:36,260 --> 00:36:37,494
Oh, Ron!
740
00:36:38,396 --> 00:36:40,464
You knew!
741
00:36:40,465 --> 00:36:43,226
You anticipated that because you're
reading my mind! That confirms it!
742
00:36:50,841 --> 00:36:53,311
There's Lime!
743
00:36:53,312 --> 00:36:56,881
Look at him.
He's a goddamn prince!
744
00:36:56,882 --> 00:36:59,650
Man, there's just something
about him, you know?
745
00:36:59,651 --> 00:37:02,253
I'd give anything
to be friends with him.
746
00:37:02,254 --> 00:37:03,988
I don't see what the
big deal is, you know.
747
00:37:03,989 --> 00:37:05,388
He's not that great.
748
00:37:07,458 --> 00:37:08,558
What did you say?
749
00:37:09,427 --> 00:37:10,795
What's that?
750
00:37:10,796 --> 00:37:12,062
I heard you say something.
751
00:37:12,363 --> 00:37:13,831
Oh.
752
00:37:13,832 --> 00:37:16,534
Oh, what did I say?
Oh, nothing.
753
00:37:16,535 --> 00:37:18,236
Oh, no. I heard
you say something.
754
00:37:18,237 --> 00:37:20,671
He said you're not that great!
Brick!
755
00:37:20,672 --> 00:37:22,740
Is that what you said about me?
756
00:37:22,741 --> 00:37:24,542
He's coming over here.
I know!
757
00:37:24,543 --> 00:37:25,942
I'm gonna rip this guy in half.
758
00:37:27,278 --> 00:37:29,680
No, no, no!
Just give me a little piece of him.
759
00:37:29,681 --> 00:37:31,849
Uh, Jack, look, it's just...
760
00:37:31,850 --> 00:37:34,352
The guys look up to
you so much, and
761
00:37:34,353 --> 00:37:36,553
I just was a little jealous.
I just said some junk.
762
00:37:37,555 --> 00:37:38,856
That's funny.
763
00:37:38,857 --> 00:37:40,690
Aren't you the guy who
764
00:37:41,592 --> 00:37:43,960
lost his job to his wife?
765
00:37:44,462 --> 00:37:45,795
Ooh!
766
00:37:46,897 --> 00:37:48,365
Shouldn't you be
doing her makeup?
767
00:37:53,771 --> 00:37:55,306
All right, guys, that's enough.
768
00:37:55,307 --> 00:37:56,874
No, shut up, Freddie!
769
00:37:56,875 --> 00:37:59,543
And you can shut your
mouth, okay, Jack "Lame!"
770
00:37:59,544 --> 00:38:01,945
- Ooh.
- Ooh!
771
00:38:03,848 --> 00:38:07,485
Yeah. Mr. Butt-Vagina's
got some fight in him.
772
00:38:07,486 --> 00:38:09,720
You listen to this one,
773
00:38:09,721 --> 00:38:11,388
big fella.
Yeah.
774
00:38:12,890 --> 00:38:16,025
I bet you that we beat
your ratings tonight.
775
00:38:18,697 --> 00:38:20,898
I'm sorry. I'm trying
to keep it together.
776
00:38:20,899 --> 00:38:22,667
No, no, no.
Don't do this. Don't do this.
777
00:38:22,668 --> 00:38:24,001
You're on at 2:00 a.m.
778
00:38:24,002 --> 00:38:25,736
Jack has prime time!
779
00:38:25,737 --> 00:38:28,138
Maybe... No.
Hey, Freddie, no, no. Hey.
780
00:38:29,507 --> 00:38:32,543
I'll take that bet.
What are the stakes?
781
00:38:32,544 --> 00:38:34,944
If we lose, I'll leave New York.
782
00:38:36,380 --> 00:38:38,649
And I'll never
read the news again.
783
00:38:38,650 --> 00:38:41,652
And if by some snowball's
chance in hell
784
00:38:41,653 --> 00:38:44,722
Mr. Mustache here pulls a
miracle out of his ass?
785
00:38:46,558 --> 00:38:51,362
You change your name
to Jack Lame! Legally.
786
00:38:51,363 --> 00:38:54,732
I like this!
You're on, Stretch.
787
00:38:54,733 --> 00:38:56,600
Everyone heard him?
788
00:38:56,601 --> 00:38:58,341
Freddie, you heard him?
Yeah. I heard him.
789
00:38:58,669 --> 00:39:00,937
- This is on like Pong.
- Okay. Good.
790
00:39:06,610 --> 00:39:08,713
Why? Why did you
make that bet, Ron?
791
00:39:08,714 --> 00:39:10,014
We've got the graveyard shift!
792
00:39:10,015 --> 00:39:11,036
We don't have a chance!
793
00:39:11,549 --> 00:39:13,417
Hey, guy!
Ah!
794
00:39:13,418 --> 00:39:15,619
This ain't local news anymore.
795
00:39:15,620 --> 00:39:16,820
We shit standing up here.
796
00:39:17,021 --> 00:39:18,054
What?
797
00:39:20,391 --> 00:39:23,059
It's a huge mess,
but damn, is it cool!
798
00:39:23,994 --> 00:39:25,175
All right, everyone!
799
00:39:25,763 --> 00:39:27,530
Ladies and gentlemen,
800
00:39:28,366 --> 00:39:30,668
today wouldn't be possible
801
00:39:30,669 --> 00:39:33,670
without the visionary behind GNN.
802
00:39:34,405 --> 00:39:36,607
Mr. Kench Allenby!
803
00:39:36,608 --> 00:39:38,208
Yeah, yeah!
804
00:39:39,643 --> 00:39:41,077
Thank you.
805
00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:44,300
All right, cheer.
806
00:39:45,716 --> 00:39:49,520
I am jabbered, just jabbered,
full of beans, no doubt.
807
00:39:49,521 --> 00:39:51,489
Does anyone else
speak Australian?
808
00:39:51,490 --> 00:39:53,491
I thought they talked like us.
809
00:39:53,492 --> 00:39:56,427
Can I get you to say
with me, haw-ba-ya-ya!
810
00:39:58,697 --> 00:40:00,865
We can't quite understand you.
811
00:40:00,866 --> 00:40:04,068
How's this? I'm Kench Allenby.
812
00:40:04,069 --> 00:40:05,936
Oh, yes.There we go! Thank you so much.
That's good.
813
00:40:05,937 --> 00:40:09,006
I'm Kench Allenby
and you all know my story.
814
00:40:09,007 --> 00:40:10,775
I'm a self-made man.
815
00:40:10,776 --> 00:40:13,611
My late, great father,
Vadge Allenby,
816
00:40:13,612 --> 00:40:15,146
gave me 300 million dollars,
817
00:40:15,147 --> 00:40:17,848
and I toiled my whole bloody life
818
00:40:17,849 --> 00:40:20,451
to turn that into
305 million dollars.
819
00:40:20,452 --> 00:40:21,918
True story. True story.
820
00:40:22,186 --> 00:40:24,488
Wow.
821
00:40:24,489 --> 00:40:26,624
But this is 24-hour
news station...
822
00:40:26,625 --> 00:40:28,626
This is history.
823
00:40:28,627 --> 00:40:32,096
This is like Columbus discovering
the New World. And the captain
824
00:40:32,097 --> 00:40:36,866
of this fantastic voyage is the best
newsman in America, Mr. Jack Lime!
825
00:40:38,436 --> 00:40:41,539
Go get 'em, Jack!
Go get 'em!
826
00:40:41,540 --> 00:40:43,606
Thank you. And good luck
to Ron Burgundy, too.
827
00:40:44,141 --> 00:40:45,810
Ooh.
828
00:40:45,811 --> 00:40:47,191
Getting nervous there, compadre?
829
00:40:48,512 --> 00:40:50,181
Let's do this.
830
00:40:50,182 --> 00:40:52,516
Did you see that? How he spun
on that desk? So great.
831
00:40:52,517 --> 00:40:54,097
All right. Quiet on
the floor, please.
832
00:40:55,019 --> 00:40:56,754
All right.
833
00:40:56,755 --> 00:40:58,222
All right. We're up.
Here we go, here we go.
834
00:40:58,223 --> 00:40:59,889
In five, four,
835
00:41:00,758 --> 00:41:01,891
three, two...
836
00:41:03,894 --> 00:41:06,897
Good day, and welcome to GNN.
837
00:41:06,898 --> 00:41:11,202
Thank you for joining us on what we
believe to be a whole new era of news.
838
00:41:11,203 --> 00:41:15,072
I'm Jack Lime, your guide for this
journey of events we humbly call
839
00:41:15,073 --> 00:41:16,841
24-hour news.
840
00:41:16,842 --> 00:41:18,976
Today's top story,
Mount St. Helens.
841
00:41:18,977 --> 00:41:21,745
Oh, this is just a gimmick.
It's a flash in the pan.
842
00:41:21,746 --> 00:41:23,581
We better hope so.
843
00:41:23,582 --> 00:41:24,949
Residents are being asked
to evacuate the area...
844
00:41:24,950 --> 00:41:29,653
Twenty-four hours of news. How are they
gonna keep coming up with this stuff?
845
00:41:29,654 --> 00:41:33,157
My guess is they'll probably be
scraping the bottom of the barrel.
846
00:41:33,158 --> 00:41:35,826
No, I have a feeling they'll
stick with their integrity
847
00:41:35,827 --> 00:41:38,061
and only report the news
that needs to be reported.
848
00:41:38,762 --> 00:41:40,064
Let's see here.
849
00:41:40,065 --> 00:41:41,699
"Global temperatures
rise half a degree,
850
00:41:41,700 --> 00:41:44,902
"alarm climate
scientists." Boring.
851
00:41:44,903 --> 00:41:47,323
"China could dominate the world
economy in the next decade."
852
00:41:48,205 --> 00:41:49,907
♪ Dun-dun-dun-dun-
dun-dun, dun-dun ♪
853
00:41:49,908 --> 00:41:51,175
Nope.
854
00:41:51,176 --> 00:41:52,943
Anyone else?
855
00:41:52,944 --> 00:41:54,611
What if we show a porno
instead of the news?
856
00:41:54,612 --> 00:41:55,579
Freddie?
857
00:41:55,580 --> 00:41:58,282
No. Absolutely not.
858
00:41:58,283 --> 00:42:00,818
I know. What if we get one
of those wildlife handlers?
859
00:42:00,819 --> 00:42:04,188
We have him bring in,
oh, big game cats.
860
00:42:04,189 --> 00:42:08,692
You know, wild, dangerous tigers and
lions and leopards and the such.
861
00:42:08,693 --> 00:42:12,263
We let them loose inside the studio
with about a dozen chickens.
862
00:42:12,264 --> 00:42:15,933
We play rock music.
And we just call it Let Her Rip.
863
00:42:15,934 --> 00:42:17,768
I'd watch that.
I'd watch that.
864
00:42:17,769 --> 00:42:19,803
Let Her Rip?
865
00:42:19,804 --> 00:42:23,073
You're describing the end of civilization.
That's not news!
866
00:42:23,074 --> 00:42:24,909
If that's the end
of times, I'm...
867
00:42:24,910 --> 00:42:28,045
I got a front-row seat with a
big tub of buttered popcorn
868
00:42:28,046 --> 00:42:31,549
and a greasy
half-live chicken leg.
869
00:42:31,550 --> 00:42:33,617
Okay, so obviously this is
a waste of time. I'm done.
870
00:42:33,618 --> 00:42:37,021
Freddie! Come on! We're
just brainstorming here.
871
00:42:37,022 --> 00:42:39,290
We're trying to figure out how
to make the news less boring,
872
00:42:39,291 --> 00:42:41,759
and you act like we peed
in your milkshake.
873
00:42:41,760 --> 00:42:43,827
The news is supposed
to be boring, Ron!
874
00:42:43,828 --> 00:42:45,963
This is serious stuff.
875
00:42:45,964 --> 00:42:48,666
You're the one that
made this stupid bet!
876
00:42:48,667 --> 00:42:51,669
I just don't know why we
have to tell the people
877
00:42:51,670 --> 00:42:54,238
what they need to hear.
878
00:42:54,239 --> 00:42:56,299
Why can't we just tell them
what they want to hear?
879
00:42:57,007 --> 00:42:58,741
Wait, wait, wait.
880
00:43:00,210 --> 00:43:02,112
Say that again.
881
00:43:02,113 --> 00:43:05,049
I said, why do we have
to tell the people
882
00:43:05,050 --> 00:43:08,052
what they need to hear?
883
00:43:08,053 --> 00:43:10,054
Why can't we just tell them
what they want to hear?
884
00:43:10,055 --> 00:43:12,356
And what do they
want to hear, Ron?
885
00:43:12,357 --> 00:43:14,991
That we live in the greatest
country God ever created.
886
00:43:15,859 --> 00:43:18,662
Damn straight!
Made him happy.
887
00:43:18,663 --> 00:43:20,998
And we should
do stories on patriots.
888
00:43:20,999 --> 00:43:24,001
Cute, funny little
animals, huh? Or diets.
889
00:43:24,002 --> 00:43:27,271
Why blondes have more fun.
890
00:43:27,272 --> 00:43:29,306
And serious investigative pieces,
891
00:43:29,307 --> 00:43:32,009
about how much ejaculate
is on hotel duvets.
892
00:43:32,010 --> 00:43:34,278
And only the best
sports highlights.
893
00:43:34,279 --> 00:43:37,648
Home runs, slam dunks,
touchdowns and no soccer.
894
00:43:37,649 --> 00:43:39,149
I like the wind!
895
00:43:39,150 --> 00:43:41,251
Brick's right.
People love hurricanes.
896
00:43:41,252 --> 00:43:44,688
Tornadoes, earthquakes, floods, we'll
throw Brick right in the middle of it.
897
00:43:44,689 --> 00:43:45,455
You'd do that?
898
00:43:46,790 --> 00:43:48,359
People'll go nuts.
I'd watch that!
899
00:43:48,360 --> 00:43:51,629
No, this goes against every rule
900
00:43:51,630 --> 00:43:54,398
of broadcast journalism I know.
901
00:43:54,399 --> 00:43:57,835
Freddie, as the
wise man once said,
902
00:43:57,836 --> 00:43:59,035
"So?"
903
00:43:59,903 --> 00:44:01,739
We got 10 hours till we go on.
904
00:44:01,740 --> 00:44:02,905
We'll only need eight!
905
00:44:10,948 --> 00:44:12,782
♪ Lady
906
00:44:14,351 --> 00:44:17,220
♪ I'm your knight
in shining armor
907
00:44:17,855 --> 00:44:19,789
♪ And I love you
908
00:44:21,258 --> 00:44:25,094
♪ You have made me what I am
909
00:44:26,096 --> 00:44:29,099
♪ And I am yours
910
00:44:34,004 --> 00:44:35,972
♪ My love...
911
00:44:39,143 --> 00:44:41,244
Is that candy?
I don't know.
912
00:44:47,418 --> 00:44:48,518
It is candy.
913
00:44:50,120 --> 00:44:52,188
I like you.
I like you.
914
00:44:53,290 --> 00:44:55,959
Tell me something about you.
915
00:44:55,960 --> 00:44:59,096
Well, I'm 19 years old.
My middle name is Courtney.
916
00:44:59,097 --> 00:45:00,731
I can always guess
how many jelly beans
917
00:45:00,732 --> 00:45:02,466
are in a jelly bean jar,
918
00:45:02,467 --> 00:45:04,134
even if it's not right.
919
00:45:04,135 --> 00:45:06,036
What about you?
920
00:45:06,037 --> 00:45:08,338
My name is Chani Lastname.
921
00:45:08,339 --> 00:45:11,442
I'm a real go-getter
and a person people.
922
00:45:11,443 --> 00:45:15,344
I can type 50 words a minute
with only 300 errors.
923
00:45:16,246 --> 00:45:18,782
I'm trained and certified...
924
00:45:18,783 --> 00:45:21,050
To fire a military-grade
missile launcher.
925
00:45:21,051 --> 00:45:22,050
Me, too.
926
00:45:23,053 --> 00:45:25,723
Chani, I just got these phone
messages from last week.
927
00:45:25,724 --> 00:45:27,357
You mailed them to me?
928
00:45:27,358 --> 00:45:29,493
How else was I gonna
get them to you?
929
00:45:29,494 --> 00:45:31,095
You hand them to me.
930
00:45:31,096 --> 00:45:32,996
Oh.
931
00:45:32,997 --> 00:45:35,232
You are the dumbest person
I've met in my entire life,
932
00:45:35,233 --> 00:45:37,367
and that's not an exaggeration.
933
00:45:37,368 --> 00:45:38,902
That makes me feel bad.
934
00:45:38,903 --> 00:45:40,904
Well, it's the truth, Chani.
935
00:45:40,905 --> 00:45:43,073
You!
936
00:45:43,074 --> 00:45:45,508
- Leave her alone!
- Excuse me, sir.
937
00:45:46,910 --> 00:45:50,447
Get your filthy hands off of her!
938
00:45:50,448 --> 00:45:51,782
Help, help!
939
00:45:51,783 --> 00:45:53,117
Excuse me, sir!
940
00:45:53,118 --> 00:45:55,252
Leave me alone, lady!
Excuse me!
941
00:45:55,253 --> 00:45:58,122
She is a goddess among women!
942
00:46:00,791 --> 00:46:01,991
Glen!
943
00:46:02,459 --> 00:46:04,261
My phone messages!
944
00:46:04,262 --> 00:46:06,363
Leave him alone!
945
00:46:06,364 --> 00:46:07,463
Not today!
946
00:46:08,432 --> 00:46:10,901
She has butterflies in her heart!
947
00:46:10,902 --> 00:46:14,037
Chani! I can see you behind
that desk, and you're fired!
948
00:46:14,038 --> 00:46:15,305
Why?
949
00:46:24,214 --> 00:46:25,615
Are you okay?
950
00:46:26,350 --> 00:46:28,986
You saved my life.
951
00:46:28,987 --> 00:46:31,188
She was trying to set me on fire.
952
00:46:31,189 --> 00:46:33,490
I didn't ask for these powers.
953
00:46:33,491 --> 00:46:34,991
I was given them.
954
00:46:35,225 --> 00:46:36,492
Last night
955
00:46:37,294 --> 00:46:39,830
a bird chased me,
956
00:46:39,831 --> 00:46:41,497
and I wished it was you.
957
00:46:42,566 --> 00:46:44,301
Can we go to a date?
958
00:46:44,302 --> 00:46:46,002
Yes.
959
00:47:00,517 --> 00:47:04,188
Dear God, please help
me pull this off.
960
00:47:04,189 --> 00:47:08,458
I swear, if you help me, I will...
I will become a monk.
961
00:47:08,459 --> 00:47:11,429
I will shave my head
and become a monk...
962
00:47:11,530 --> 00:47:14,364
Ah, who are we kidding?
I'm not going to do that.
963
00:47:14,365 --> 00:47:18,101
Oh, did you hear? Evan said there's
some strange copy in the prompter.
964
00:47:18,102 --> 00:47:19,603
It's 2:00 a.m.
965
00:47:19,604 --> 00:47:22,005
It's Freddie Shapp's ass,
not mine. Let's go.
966
00:47:22,006 --> 00:47:25,241
People who change history are
rarely aware of it while doing so.
967
00:47:26,310 --> 00:47:28,445
Ron and his news
team simply thought
968
00:47:28,446 --> 00:47:31,615
they were making
the news more fun.
969
00:47:31,616 --> 00:47:33,550
Little did they know
they were changing
970
00:47:33,551 --> 00:47:36,987
the course of broadcast
history forever.
971
00:47:36,988 --> 00:47:40,224
Hello, America.
It's 2:00 a.m. Eastern time.
972
00:47:40,225 --> 00:47:43,559
I'm Ron Burgundy,
and tonight's top story is
973
00:47:43,894 --> 00:47:45,963
America.
974
00:47:45,964 --> 00:47:47,631
She's the greatest
country in the world.
975
00:47:47,632 --> 00:47:49,399
Heck, the history of the world!
976
00:47:49,400 --> 00:47:50,399
You're damn right!
977
00:47:53,538 --> 00:47:56,072
Too much of the news is about
what's wrong with America.
978
00:47:56,073 --> 00:47:57,241
Amen, brother!
979
00:47:57,242 --> 00:48:00,444
Well, tonight, our top story
is what's right with America.
980
00:48:00,445 --> 00:48:02,613
Someone's finally
talking sense on the TV.
981
00:48:02,614 --> 00:48:05,148
For starters, we kick butt.
982
00:48:05,149 --> 00:48:07,517
Nazi butt. Russian butt.
983
00:48:07,518 --> 00:48:10,888
What the hell is he doing?
He's talking about America.
984
00:48:10,889 --> 00:48:12,389
Why, do you have
a problem with that?
985
00:48:12,390 --> 00:48:15,158
Tonight I begin part one
of my 11-part series
986
00:48:15,159 --> 00:48:18,195
on the power and mystery
of the human vagina.
987
00:48:18,196 --> 00:48:19,630
This series will be
a tasteful look
988
00:48:19,631 --> 00:48:22,633
at just what makes a vagina tick,
989
00:48:22,634 --> 00:48:24,935
as well as a look
at the 50 greatest vaginas
990
00:48:24,936 --> 00:48:26,403
of the 20th century.
991
00:48:26,404 --> 00:48:29,306
Son of a bitch!
992
00:48:29,307 --> 00:48:31,174
One final question,
and I'll let you go.
993
00:48:31,175 --> 00:48:34,144
Who tops the list of the
top 50 greatest vaginas?
994
00:48:34,145 --> 00:48:36,313
Well, I don't want
to give anything away.
995
00:48:36,314 --> 00:48:38,515
I thought I had you.
996
00:48:38,516 --> 00:48:40,250
I will give you number two.
997
00:48:40,251 --> 00:48:41,451
Please.
Madame Curie.
998
00:48:41,452 --> 00:48:43,119
Of course. Of course.
999
00:48:43,420 --> 00:48:44,955
Whammy! Whammy!
1000
00:48:44,956 --> 00:48:46,690
Whammy! Whammy! Whammy!
1001
00:48:46,691 --> 00:48:48,524
Whammy!
1002
00:48:54,231 --> 00:48:55,432
Whammy!
1003
00:48:55,433 --> 00:48:56,967
Back to you, Ron.
1004
00:48:56,968 --> 00:48:59,937
The wind is really windy.
1005
00:48:59,938 --> 00:49:02,239
Brick? Brick,
can you hear me?
1006
00:49:02,240 --> 00:49:04,308
I can't hear you, Ron!
1007
00:49:04,309 --> 00:49:06,476
Okay, but you're
answering the question,
1008
00:49:06,477 --> 00:49:07,711
so I think you can hear me.
1009
00:49:07,712 --> 00:49:09,279
No, I can!
1010
00:49:09,280 --> 00:49:11,148
Brick, do you think
there is any danger
1011
00:49:11,149 --> 00:49:12,582
to the average person out there?
1012
00:49:12,583 --> 00:49:15,585
I'm afraid for the animals
of New York, Ron.
1013
00:49:15,586 --> 00:49:20,223
I saw a woman, and her dog
never touched the ground.
1014
00:49:20,224 --> 00:49:24,027
You're saying wind gusts as
fast as a supersonic jet?
1015
00:49:24,028 --> 00:49:25,848
It looked like she was
walking a dog balloon.
1016
00:49:26,330 --> 00:49:28,498
And go... Switch.
1017
00:49:28,499 --> 00:49:31,702
And for our eighth and final
animal story of the night,
1018
00:49:31,703 --> 00:49:34,438
it looks like residents
of North Yulk, Montana,
1019
00:49:34,439 --> 00:49:37,540
have found the cutest little
patriot on God's green earth.
1020
00:49:41,278 --> 00:49:42,611
Look at that little guy!
1021
00:49:44,114 --> 00:49:46,515
Oh, wow, he was having some fun.
1022
00:49:47,551 --> 00:49:50,253
Well, for all of us here at GNN,
1023
00:49:50,254 --> 00:49:52,289
I'm Ron Burgundy.
1024
00:49:52,290 --> 00:49:54,358
And don't just
have a great night,
1025
00:49:54,359 --> 00:49:56,325
have an American night.
1026
00:49:59,529 --> 00:50:01,064
And we're out!
1027
00:50:01,065 --> 00:50:02,698
Wow!
1028
00:50:03,533 --> 00:50:05,302
I couldn't take my eyes
1029
00:50:05,303 --> 00:50:07,270
off the screen!
Yes.
1030
00:50:07,271 --> 00:50:09,573
You were electric,
Ron! Whammy!
1031
00:50:09,574 --> 00:50:11,241
That just felt right!
That felt right!
1032
00:50:11,242 --> 00:50:12,709
I was outside!
1033
00:50:12,710 --> 00:50:15,145
You sure were, Brick.
Wonderful job.
1034
00:50:15,146 --> 00:50:16,780
Amazing. Great job.
1035
00:50:16,781 --> 00:50:21,118
What the hell was that?
What the hell was that?
1036
00:50:21,119 --> 00:50:24,087
Hey, hey, hey. Take it easy, Linda.
We were just trying something new.
1037
00:50:24,088 --> 00:50:27,290
You changed the format of the entire show
without consulting me? That's unacceptable!
1038
00:50:27,291 --> 00:50:30,761
Damn straight, sister. We just
done went and brought it!
1039
00:50:30,762 --> 00:50:33,363
And here's the truth.
You can't handle it, little mama!
1040
00:50:33,364 --> 00:50:36,433
Get out! You are all
terminated immediately.
1041
00:50:36,434 --> 00:50:38,268
If you were a man,
I'd knock you out.
1042
00:50:38,269 --> 00:50:41,204
Oh. Oh, really? Well, go ahead!
1043
00:50:41,205 --> 00:50:42,838
Take a swing!
Take your best shot!
1044
00:50:43,673 --> 00:50:47,344
I have five brothers, and two of them are
defensive backs in the NFL, so come on!
1045
00:50:47,345 --> 00:50:49,179
You want me to do it?
Yeah.
1046
00:50:49,180 --> 00:50:50,580
This thing's not gonna feel good.
1047
00:50:50,581 --> 00:50:51,648
Do it, Ron.
Just do it.
1048
00:50:51,649 --> 00:50:54,084
Are you scared? What's the problem?
1049
00:50:54,085 --> 00:50:56,153
Is he a chicken? Are you a chicken?
1050
00:50:59,256 --> 00:51:00,724
I'm not a chicken at all.
1051
00:51:00,725 --> 00:51:03,192
I'm going to make that
mustache of yours all bloody.
1052
00:51:04,528 --> 00:51:06,496
Well...
1053
00:51:06,497 --> 00:51:08,131
Seems like you're
buying time, Ron.
1054
00:51:08,132 --> 00:51:09,699
I'm not buying time.
1055
00:51:09,700 --> 00:51:12,069
Ron! Just do what men
have been doing
1056
00:51:12,070 --> 00:51:15,105
for thousands of years,
and punch the woman.
1057
00:51:15,106 --> 00:51:16,239
Punch her!
You're stalling.
1058
00:51:16,240 --> 00:51:17,674
Punch the woman!
1059
00:51:17,675 --> 00:51:20,276
Here comes the Toledo Express.
All aboard!
1060
00:51:23,814 --> 00:51:25,381
Ron! No!
1061
00:51:27,552 --> 00:51:29,252
I didn't do it!
1062
00:51:31,455 --> 00:51:33,856
Mama, your baby's hurt.
1063
00:51:34,424 --> 00:51:36,293
Your baby.
1064
00:51:38,096 --> 00:51:40,363
What is that sound
you're making? Good Lord!
1065
00:51:42,233 --> 00:51:44,434
You sound like a balloon.
1066
00:51:44,435 --> 00:51:45,802
Pull yourself together, man.
1067
00:51:45,803 --> 00:51:47,337
Security!
1068
00:51:47,338 --> 00:51:49,406
They saw my pee-pee.
1069
00:51:49,407 --> 00:51:52,576
The eighth grade boys
saw my pee-pee!
1070
00:51:52,577 --> 00:51:54,544
Did you say they
saw your pee-pee?
1071
00:51:54,545 --> 00:51:57,314
In the locker room,
they saw my pee-pee.
1072
00:51:57,315 --> 00:51:59,349
You just knocked him
back into fifth grade.
1073
00:51:59,350 --> 00:52:00,416
Get him out of here!
1074
00:52:02,419 --> 00:52:04,421
Bugger me with a didgeridoo.
1075
00:52:04,422 --> 00:52:06,223
We knew we'd struggle to start,
1076
00:52:06,224 --> 00:52:08,658
but these ratings are lower
than I'd even imagined.
1077
00:52:08,659 --> 00:52:10,460
Thank God
for the 2:00 a.m. spike.
1078
00:52:10,461 --> 00:52:12,496
It really saved our whole launch.
1079
00:52:12,497 --> 00:52:14,463
Spike? What are
you talking about?
1080
00:52:14,798 --> 00:52:16,399
What spike?
1081
00:52:16,400 --> 00:52:18,502
Burgundy.
Who's Ron Burgundy?
1082
00:52:18,503 --> 00:52:20,436
No, no, no, this can't be right.
1083
00:52:21,738 --> 00:52:23,907
His team start at a .2,
1084
00:52:23,908 --> 00:52:26,776
and then they
finish at a 5.6?
1085
00:52:26,777 --> 00:52:30,213
That's unbelievable!
They tripled Jack Lime's numbers!
1086
00:52:30,214 --> 00:52:33,483
How is that even possible?
Who are these guys?
1087
00:52:33,484 --> 00:52:35,684
They're a local team
out of San Diego.
1088
00:52:36,219 --> 00:52:37,654
You little beauty!
1089
00:52:37,655 --> 00:52:39,321
Well, they no longer work for us.
1090
00:52:41,525 --> 00:52:43,226
I fired them.
1091
00:52:43,227 --> 00:52:45,695
Well, guys,
it goes without saying
1092
00:52:45,696 --> 00:52:48,632
I owe you gentlemen an apology.
1093
00:52:48,633 --> 00:52:51,201
I dragged you out here
and this thing
1094
00:52:51,202 --> 00:52:53,670
was a disaster
from the word "go."
1095
00:52:53,671 --> 00:52:56,206
No, Ron, don't you
beat yourself up.
1096
00:52:56,207 --> 00:52:57,573
Yeah, it's all right, Ron.
1097
00:52:57,641 --> 00:52:58,841
Gin.
1098
00:53:00,544 --> 00:53:02,512
Brian, any idea
what you might do next?
1099
00:53:02,513 --> 00:53:04,214
Gonna head back to L.A.
1100
00:53:04,215 --> 00:53:05,849
I got a good group
of buddies out there.
1101
00:53:05,850 --> 00:53:08,451
O.J. Simpson. Phil
Spector. Robert Blake.
1102
00:53:08,452 --> 00:53:10,287
Sounds like a fun crew.
1103
00:53:10,288 --> 00:53:12,255
We go out cruising chicks.
1104
00:53:12,256 --> 00:53:14,357
Call ourselves
the "Ladykillers."
1105
00:53:14,358 --> 00:53:16,426
I love that name. You should get it
on the back of matching jackets.
1106
00:53:16,427 --> 00:53:17,794
That's not a bad idea.
1107
00:53:21,231 --> 00:53:22,898
Uh, guys?
1108
00:53:24,734 --> 00:53:26,403
Hey.
1109
00:53:26,404 --> 00:53:28,638
I got some news.
1110
00:53:28,639 --> 00:53:30,273
Freddie, we don't
exactly want to hear
1111
00:53:30,274 --> 00:53:32,842
- the word "news" right now.
- Yeah.
1112
00:53:32,843 --> 00:53:35,911
You're right. Forget it.
Forget I was even here.
1113
00:53:36,713 --> 00:53:39,415
Forget that GNN wants you back.
1114
00:53:40,483 --> 00:53:45,288
For a prime time slot
and a raise in pay.
1115
00:53:45,289 --> 00:53:48,258
Quit yanking our penises,
Freddie! What's the deal?
1116
00:53:48,259 --> 00:53:50,460
Yeah! Quit yanking
our anuses.
1117
00:53:50,461 --> 00:53:52,561
No. I'm not yanking your...
1118
00:53:54,564 --> 00:53:57,267
Your ratings went
through the roof.
1119
00:53:57,268 --> 00:53:59,702
People love what you did.
1120
00:54:00,470 --> 00:54:02,739
You're a success!
1121
00:54:02,740 --> 00:54:07,042
Get it? You're a great,
big, fat success!
1122
00:54:07,877 --> 00:54:10,012
By the bed pan of Gene Rayburn!
1123
00:54:10,580 --> 00:54:11,915
It's total crap
1124
00:54:11,916 --> 00:54:14,451
and they can't stop watching!
1125
00:54:14,452 --> 00:54:17,254
The news team
had been famous in San Diego,
1126
00:54:17,255 --> 00:54:19,855
but that was small time
compared to New York.
1127
00:54:20,757 --> 00:54:23,026
This fame was a rocket ship.
1128
00:54:23,027 --> 00:54:24,894
A rocket ship
that had free drinks
1129
00:54:24,895 --> 00:54:27,664
and topless stewardesses.
1130
00:54:27,665 --> 00:54:29,866
That'll do it for all
of us here at GNN.
1131
00:54:29,867 --> 00:54:33,003
Thank God for the events,
thank me for the news.
1132
00:54:33,004 --> 00:54:34,503
I'm Jack...
1133
00:54:37,607 --> 00:54:38,741
...Lame.
1134
00:54:42,879 --> 00:54:44,981
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
1135
00:54:44,982 --> 00:54:46,416
More graphics, all right?
1136
00:54:46,417 --> 00:54:48,051
But there's already a lot.
1137
00:54:48,052 --> 00:54:50,787
Hey, you heard the man.
More graphics.
1138
00:54:50,788 --> 00:54:53,456
Let a citizen ask a question
here, for God's sake!
1139
00:54:53,457 --> 00:54:56,493
Can Father Ron please shut
his mouth for half a second?
1140
00:54:59,062 --> 00:55:00,797
This is against everything
1141
00:55:00,798 --> 00:55:02,866
that I have worked
for my entire life.
1142
00:55:02,867 --> 00:55:04,467
Oh, honey, come on.
1143
00:55:28,992 --> 00:55:30,994
If you're like me,
you need an underwear
1144
00:55:30,995 --> 00:55:33,029
that fits your active lifestyle.
1145
00:55:33,030 --> 00:55:35,799
At finer specialty
and department stores.
1146
00:55:35,800 --> 00:55:38,668
I'm weatherman Brick
Tamland, and I like butter.
1147
00:55:38,669 --> 00:55:42,438
Butter is nutritious
and it tastes great.
1148
00:55:42,939 --> 00:55:44,080
Butter!
1149
00:55:46,843 --> 00:55:49,512
There's something new
on the New York social scene.
1150
00:55:49,513 --> 00:55:51,948
It's fun, relatively benign
and costs about as much
1151
00:55:51,949 --> 00:55:54,084
as a soda pop
at the local drugstore.
1152
00:55:54,085 --> 00:55:55,752
Here's Brian Fantana
1153
00:55:55,753 --> 00:55:57,987
on why everyone who is someone
1154
00:55:57,988 --> 00:56:00,590
is lighting up to smoke crack.
1155
00:56:00,591 --> 00:56:02,992
Now, Brian, I understand
we have some crack
1156
00:56:02,993 --> 00:56:04,794
and we're going to smoke it
right here in the studio.
1157
00:56:04,795 --> 00:56:07,830
What is that? Did you know
they were gonna have that?
1158
00:56:07,831 --> 00:56:09,399
No.
1159
00:56:09,600 --> 00:56:12,836
Now, what you're gonna do is, you're
gonna put your rock in the pipe.
1160
00:56:12,837 --> 00:56:15,037
Is that where the phrase "Put it in
your pipe and smoke it" comes from?
1161
00:56:15,038 --> 00:56:16,506
I don't care.
1162
00:56:16,507 --> 00:56:18,287
I love it when you do
cooking segments.
1163
00:56:21,111 --> 00:56:22,846
Oh! Oh, whoa!
1164
00:56:22,847 --> 00:56:24,814
You feel that right away.
1165
00:56:24,815 --> 00:56:27,784
Wow, that's good. That's good. That's
an immediate state of euphoria.
1166
00:56:27,785 --> 00:56:31,554
You'll be surprised.
The effect, it happens very... Ohh!
1167
00:56:31,555 --> 00:56:33,590
It's just refreshing.
1168
00:56:33,591 --> 00:56:35,759
They're actually enjoying it.
1169
00:56:35,760 --> 00:56:37,526
Of course they're
enjoying it. It's crack.
1170
00:56:40,430 --> 00:56:41,998
Well, now we know, guys,
1171
00:56:41,999 --> 00:56:44,401
you can't smoke crack
on live television.
1172
00:56:55,678 --> 00:56:57,414
Hey, gang.
1173
00:56:57,415 --> 00:56:59,448
You know what would make
this great day even better?
1174
00:56:59,449 --> 00:57:02,118
What?
Perms for everyone!
1175
00:57:02,119 --> 00:57:03,151
Yay!
1176
00:57:15,465 --> 00:57:16,965
Please come in and shut the door.
1177
00:57:22,138 --> 00:57:24,140
If this is about sweeps, um,
1178
00:57:24,141 --> 00:57:26,910
I think Brian Fantana
found an outstanding story.
1179
00:57:26,911 --> 00:57:29,512
It's about airplane parts
1180
00:57:29,513 --> 00:57:32,849
that are falling off of
airplanes out of the sky
1181
00:57:32,850 --> 00:57:34,451
and hitting the ground, people.
1182
00:57:34,452 --> 00:57:36,453
We're calling it "Death From Above."
We might do some...
1183
00:57:36,454 --> 00:57:38,386
You. Come here.
1184
00:57:43,126 --> 00:57:46,229
I've been watching you.
You have?
1185
00:57:47,965 --> 00:57:49,932
I've been watching you a lot.
1186
00:57:51,534 --> 00:57:53,503
And you just do
whatever you want.
1187
00:57:53,504 --> 00:57:55,905
Well, I'm a bit
of a maverick, I guess.
1188
00:57:55,906 --> 00:57:57,807
You don't follow the format.
1189
00:57:57,808 --> 00:57:59,908
You pretty much
walk around like...
1190
00:58:00,944 --> 00:58:02,779
Like you're king of the world.
1191
00:58:02,780 --> 00:58:05,047
I'm just a worker bee.
That's all I am.
1192
00:58:05,815 --> 00:58:07,616
You know what?
What?
1193
00:58:07,917 --> 00:58:08,951
Oh!
1194
00:58:12,622 --> 00:58:14,791
I find it hot as shit!
1195
00:58:14,792 --> 00:58:16,759
Are you going to hurt me?
1196
00:58:16,760 --> 00:58:18,661
Here's the thing,
Mr. Burgundy.
1197
00:58:18,662 --> 00:58:21,664
You're a shooting star and
I want to go for a ride.
1198
00:58:21,665 --> 00:58:25,134
God, I'm so afraid right now.
Now, I want to hear you meow like a cat.
1199
00:58:29,840 --> 00:58:31,708
Now, I want you to bark like a dog.
1200
00:58:31,709 --> 00:58:34,177
Bark. Bark. Bark!
1201
00:58:34,178 --> 00:58:35,712
Like a puppy. Like a puppy.
1202
00:58:41,085 --> 00:58:42,719
Yeah. Come on! Do it!
1203
00:58:42,720 --> 00:58:44,653
Mmm.
1204
00:58:44,854 --> 00:58:46,256
Aw.
1205
00:58:46,257 --> 00:58:47,891
Don't cry.
1206
00:58:49,693 --> 00:58:51,528
It's sexual and yet frightening.
1207
00:58:51,529 --> 00:58:53,029
It's an odd mixture.
1208
00:58:53,663 --> 00:58:54,730
Um, come in.
1209
00:58:55,732 --> 00:58:57,033
Uh, Linda.
1210
00:58:57,034 --> 00:58:58,934
Excuse me, Linda.
1211
00:58:59,536 --> 00:59:01,938
Ron, Jack wants to know
1212
00:59:01,939 --> 00:59:03,806
if he can go back to
calling himself Jack Lime
1213
00:59:03,807 --> 00:59:05,275
instead of Jack Lame.
1214
00:59:05,276 --> 00:59:06,843
He's really struggling with it.
1215
00:59:06,844 --> 00:59:09,245
No. Can't.
It's a bet.
1216
00:59:09,246 --> 00:59:11,214
Oh, Jesus!
1217
00:59:11,215 --> 00:59:12,681
If you want to
change it, you can.
1218
00:59:13,049 --> 00:59:14,217
Like what?
1219
00:59:14,218 --> 00:59:15,852
Art Areola.
1220
00:59:15,853 --> 00:59:18,254
No! No, that's worse!
You know it's worse!
1221
00:59:18,255 --> 00:59:20,590
How about this one?
You can call yourself Dick Fuck.
1222
00:59:20,591 --> 00:59:22,992
Spell it P-H-U-C.
1223
00:59:22,993 --> 00:59:24,827
You'll be huge
in the Vietnamese community.
1224
00:59:24,828 --> 00:59:28,864
Freddie, I can't. Listen to me, Burgundy.
This is far from over, do you hear me?
1225
00:59:29,899 --> 00:59:31,767
I'll see you on the playground.
1226
00:59:34,804 --> 00:59:36,104
Well.
1227
00:59:37,607 --> 00:59:39,007
This, uh,
1228
00:59:39,676 --> 00:59:41,209
meeting has been
1229
00:59:42,078 --> 00:59:43,780
very productive.
1230
00:59:43,781 --> 00:59:46,249
You can pick
me up at 8:00.
1231
00:59:46,250 --> 00:59:50,118
Okay, I'm very confused
by what's going on here.
1232
00:59:51,020 --> 00:59:52,288
Get out!
1233
01:00:02,732 --> 01:00:05,602
Oh, Ron. Ron, you are missing
some real high-quality
1234
01:00:05,603 --> 01:00:07,335
Garfield laughs over here!
1235
01:00:08,905 --> 01:00:10,373
I think our boss just raped me.
1236
01:00:10,374 --> 01:00:12,375
What?
1237
01:00:12,376 --> 01:00:15,111
I don't know what happened.
All a bit of a blur.
1238
01:00:15,112 --> 01:00:16,813
There was hands
1239
01:00:16,814 --> 01:00:19,248
and hair, and breath, and lips.
1240
01:00:19,249 --> 01:00:20,750
There might have been other
people, I don't know.
1241
01:00:20,751 --> 01:00:22,251
Sounds like she wants you.
1242
01:00:22,252 --> 01:00:25,388
Hey, man. Women have been all over
me since we got crazy famous.
1243
01:00:25,389 --> 01:00:27,023
Not to brag or anything,
1244
01:00:27,024 --> 01:00:29,692
but I just gave Florence
Henderson crabs.
1245
01:00:29,693 --> 01:00:33,162
That is in no way a brag,
Brian. That's horrible.
1246
01:00:33,163 --> 01:00:36,332
Hey, it's just doing something
beautiful, that two people do.
1247
01:00:36,333 --> 01:00:38,901
Except one of them has
microscopic dust mites
1248
01:00:38,902 --> 01:00:41,037
- all over his penis and testicles.
- I'm just saying,
1249
01:00:41,038 --> 01:00:44,140
the mom of The Brady Bunch
had a fun time with you,
1250
01:00:44,141 --> 01:00:47,176
and then woke up the next day
and realized she had crabs.
1251
01:00:47,177 --> 01:00:50,113
I gave her a whole
Brady Bunch of crabs.
1252
01:00:50,114 --> 01:00:52,849
Sounds to me like it's
her fault for being a randy gal.
1253
01:00:52,850 --> 01:00:54,217
I have a date!
1254
01:00:54,218 --> 01:00:55,752
Brick has a date?
1255
01:00:55,753 --> 01:00:56,853
Good for Brick!
1256
01:00:56,854 --> 01:00:58,655
What's a date?
1257
01:00:58,656 --> 01:01:00,923
A date is simply when two
people get together,
1258
01:01:00,924 --> 01:01:03,393
do something social, have a few
drinks, yadda-yadda-yadda...
1259
01:01:03,394 --> 01:01:04,661
Take their shirts off...
1260
01:01:06,397 --> 01:01:08,131
- Oh, it's okay.
- No, it's a fun thing.
1261
01:01:08,132 --> 01:01:09,899
It's fun.
It's all right.
1262
01:01:09,900 --> 01:01:13,136
Look. Don't worry, Brick,
we got your back, okay?
1263
01:01:13,137 --> 01:01:16,204
First things first, we need to
get you a little protection.
1264
01:01:18,408 --> 01:01:19,775
Oh!
1265
01:01:20,243 --> 01:01:22,145
There it is.
1266
01:01:22,146 --> 01:01:25,081
Brian Fantana's glorious
cabinet of condoms.
1267
01:01:25,082 --> 01:01:28,718
Oh, Brian, I know.
How about The Hooded Guest?
1268
01:01:28,719 --> 01:01:30,285
I like the cut of your jib.
1269
01:01:31,421 --> 01:01:33,790
That one
is ultra-ribbed.
1270
01:01:33,791 --> 01:01:36,392
It's like you're wearing an
armadillo shell on your privates.
1271
01:01:36,393 --> 01:01:38,194
It takes two hours to get on.
1272
01:01:38,195 --> 01:01:40,730
It's hooded.
She'll never see you coming.
1273
01:01:40,731 --> 01:01:42,065
Oh, oh. Wait, wait, wait.
1274
01:01:42,066 --> 01:01:43,466
You thinking what I'm thinking?
1275
01:01:43,467 --> 01:01:45,007
"Lou Dobin's
Good Time Weiner Pouch."
1276
01:01:45,068 --> 01:01:46,869
That's a good one.
1277
01:01:46,870 --> 01:01:50,039
Dobin. Just a drifter who loves
to watch people have sex.
1278
01:01:50,040 --> 01:01:51,708
They're made of denim,
1279
01:01:51,709 --> 01:01:53,276
so they look better
after each washing.
1280
01:01:53,277 --> 01:01:55,011
Talk about a great ride.
1281
01:01:55,012 --> 01:01:56,112
I think I have it.
1282
01:01:56,879 --> 01:01:58,047
Po' Boy Condom.
1283
01:01:58,048 --> 01:02:00,216
It's a terrific condom.
1284
01:02:00,217 --> 01:02:02,952
Although it does burn a bit because
it's covered in Cajun spices.
1285
01:02:02,953 --> 01:02:05,988
It'll put a blister
on your po' boy.
1286
01:02:05,989 --> 01:02:07,724
Brian, what's the nickname for your
penis whenever you wear a Po' Boy?
1287
01:02:07,725 --> 01:02:09,192
Fat Tuesday.
1288
01:02:09,193 --> 01:02:11,593
Wait a minute.
I've got it.
1289
01:02:13,229 --> 01:02:14,964
"The Rigid Ghost."
Mmm.
1290
01:02:14,965 --> 01:02:17,767
Ah, it's the best damn
rubber on the market.
1291
01:02:17,768 --> 01:02:21,504
Hah, I got four of my seven illegitimate
children using this condom.
1292
01:02:21,505 --> 01:02:24,207
Uh, but, Brian, isn't that the
whole point of wearing a condom?
1293
01:02:24,208 --> 01:02:26,342
To not impregnate the woman?
1294
01:02:26,343 --> 01:02:28,944
Well, you know the old
expression. "Nope."
1295
01:02:34,183 --> 01:02:36,419
Thank you, Ron,
and happy St. Patrick's Day
1296
01:02:36,420 --> 01:02:38,888
to all of our
Native American friends.
1297
01:02:38,889 --> 01:02:40,088
On the big map...
1298
01:02:42,158 --> 01:02:43,124
Where's my map?
1299
01:02:44,060 --> 01:02:46,262
There's no map, it's just green.
1300
01:02:46,263 --> 01:02:48,264
No, there's a map there.
Look at the monitor.
1301
01:02:48,265 --> 01:02:50,767
Right. Oh.
1302
01:02:50,768 --> 01:02:52,368
Ron, where's my legs?
1303
01:02:52,369 --> 01:02:54,103
Where are my legs?
Your legs are there.
1304
01:02:54,104 --> 01:02:56,038
I don't have any legs, Ron.
1305
01:02:56,039 --> 01:02:57,973
I don't even know
how I'm standing up.
1306
01:03:00,109 --> 01:03:01,978
Brick, your legs are fine.
1307
01:03:01,979 --> 01:03:04,480
The color of your pants
just matches...
1308
01:03:04,481 --> 01:03:07,283
Ron, I don't have any legs!
The Chroma-Key behind you.
1309
01:03:07,284 --> 01:03:09,485
Ninety-three?
1310
01:03:09,486 --> 01:03:11,821
Ninety-three?
1311
01:03:11,822 --> 01:03:13,156
Relax.
1312
01:03:17,427 --> 01:03:20,463
And after I received my Masters
in Journalism from Columbia,
1313
01:03:20,464 --> 01:03:23,866
I got a job with the London
bureau for ABC News.
1314
01:03:23,867 --> 01:03:25,434
Wow, London.
1315
01:03:25,435 --> 01:03:28,371
You're so impressive, and I've...
1316
01:03:28,372 --> 01:03:30,540
I've only been out of
the United States twice.
1317
01:03:30,541 --> 01:03:33,309
A handful of times
in Mexico, and then
1318
01:03:33,310 --> 01:03:36,913
the second time I left the
country, we went to Salem, Oregon.
1319
01:03:36,914 --> 01:03:38,174
Mr. Burgundy,
are you nervous?
1320
01:03:38,214 --> 01:03:39,949
God, yes.
1321
01:03:39,950 --> 01:03:41,570
Did I scare you
by coming on so strong?
1322
01:03:42,051 --> 01:03:44,187
A little bit, sure.
1323
01:03:44,188 --> 01:03:46,189
Look, it's not that
you're not attractive...
1324
01:03:46,190 --> 01:03:48,357
It's just I'm a little
old-fashioned.
1325
01:03:48,358 --> 01:03:50,959
Well, I am a modern woman.
Mmm.
1326
01:03:51,327 --> 01:03:52,595
And let me tell you,
1327
01:03:52,596 --> 01:03:55,297
when I see something
that I want, I go for it.
1328
01:03:55,965 --> 01:03:57,366
Can I ask you a question?
1329
01:03:57,367 --> 01:03:58,868
Mmm-hmm.
1330
01:03:58,869 --> 01:04:01,036
Is that your foot
between my legs?
1331
01:04:01,103 --> 01:04:02,305
No.
1332
01:04:02,306 --> 01:04:04,272
Oh. I'm sorry.
1333
01:04:05,174 --> 01:04:06,609
It was my hand.
1334
01:04:06,610 --> 01:04:08,277
So...
1335
01:04:08,278 --> 01:04:09,879
We're going to do this,
aren't we?
1336
01:04:09,880 --> 01:04:13,583
We most definitely
are gonna do this.
1337
01:04:13,584 --> 01:04:17,186
I feel a little awkward,
because I'm...
1338
01:04:17,187 --> 01:04:19,222
I'm about to have
sex with a black lady!
1339
01:04:19,223 --> 01:04:21,557
I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
1340
01:04:21,558 --> 01:04:24,861
That's not the way I like
to handle my business.
1341
01:04:24,862 --> 01:04:26,929
When I get nervous,
I sometimes lose control
1342
01:04:26,930 --> 01:04:28,296
of the volume of my voice.
1343
01:04:28,865 --> 01:04:30,366
Well, I don't mind,
1344
01:04:30,367 --> 01:04:32,200
because I am going
to have you tonight.
1345
01:04:32,635 --> 01:04:34,337
Then let's leave
1346
01:04:34,338 --> 01:04:35,838
and go have interracial sex!
1347
01:04:37,907 --> 01:04:38,974
Sorry.
1348
01:05:20,082 --> 01:05:23,152
This is the nicest soda machine
anyone's ever taken me to.
1349
01:05:23,153 --> 01:05:26,020
The beauty of this soda machine
pales in comparison to your beauty.
1350
01:05:32,662 --> 01:05:34,597
Can I ask you
a personal question?
1351
01:05:34,598 --> 01:05:36,532
I'm not sure
what that is, but yes.
1352
01:05:36,533 --> 01:05:38,133
Have you ever kissed anyone?
1353
01:05:39,035 --> 01:05:40,569
Do faces on the TV screen
1354
01:05:40,570 --> 01:05:42,390
and Planet of the Apes
action figures count?
1355
01:05:42,672 --> 01:05:44,507
Of course.
1356
01:05:44,508 --> 01:05:48,376
Then, yes. I have kissed
Angie Dickinson and Dr. Zaius.
1357
01:05:50,046 --> 01:05:52,315
I've only kissed people
in my dreams.
1358
01:05:52,316 --> 01:05:55,484
So, I've only kissed
a tiny dragon
1359
01:05:55,485 --> 01:05:57,687
and a woman
with her hair on fire.
1360
01:05:57,688 --> 01:06:00,356
I don't have a lot
of experience with kissing,
1361
01:06:00,357 --> 01:06:02,491
but I do know one thing...
1362
01:06:02,492 --> 01:06:05,294
Always get your teeth involved.
1363
01:06:05,295 --> 01:06:07,729
I think I'm ready to maybe
try that kiss thing now.
1364
01:06:45,067 --> 01:06:46,434
Hello, Ms. Jackson.
1365
01:06:47,370 --> 01:06:49,271
I didn't mean to scare you.
1366
01:06:49,272 --> 01:06:52,041
Mr. Allenby, I wasn't
expecting you to...
1367
01:06:52,042 --> 01:06:53,741
Yeah, no, I know.
Neither was I.
1368
01:06:55,211 --> 01:06:57,013
But then I heard
about this little story
1369
01:06:57,014 --> 01:07:00,149
that Ron Burgundy and
Brian Fantana are running.
1370
01:07:00,150 --> 01:07:02,184
You see, some of the
planes from my airline
1371
01:07:02,185 --> 01:07:03,805
have had parts
falling off them lately.
1372
01:07:04,286 --> 01:07:06,422
Is it a problem? Yeah.
1373
01:07:06,423 --> 01:07:09,725
Is it being fixed?
I don't know, probably.
1374
01:07:09,726 --> 01:07:13,763
But if that story runs,
then Koala stock will plummet.
1375
01:07:13,764 --> 01:07:16,766
We can't just pull the story.
That would be unethical.
1376
01:07:16,767 --> 01:07:19,567
We own the news.
We can do whatever we want.
1377
01:07:20,236 --> 01:07:22,638
That's one of the perks.
1378
01:07:22,639 --> 01:07:25,740
It's called "synergy."
One company working with another.
1379
01:07:29,412 --> 01:07:30,745
To synergy.
1380
01:07:39,455 --> 01:07:42,358
You seem a little quiet,
I must say.
1381
01:07:42,359 --> 01:07:44,693
Just so you know,
I'm absolutely fine
1382
01:07:44,694 --> 01:07:46,115
with going to this family dinner.
1383
01:07:46,495 --> 01:07:47,929
They're going to love you.
1384
01:07:49,198 --> 01:07:51,266
Mmm. This is delicious!
1385
01:07:53,202 --> 01:07:54,235
So...
1386
01:07:55,271 --> 01:07:56,838
How long have you
and Linda been dating?
1387
01:07:56,839 --> 01:07:57,840
Mother.
1388
01:07:57,841 --> 01:07:59,442
Oh.
1389
01:07:59,443 --> 01:08:01,310
No, it's all right.
It's a logical question.
1390
01:08:01,311 --> 01:08:03,312
Um...
1391
01:08:03,313 --> 01:08:07,215
Ours is a new love,
but it burns very brightly.
1392
01:08:08,417 --> 01:08:12,388
And it gets hot
and sweaty and stanky.
1393
01:08:12,389 --> 01:08:15,257
There's some stank on that love.
1394
01:08:15,258 --> 01:08:16,826
What... What are you
talking about?
1395
01:08:16,827 --> 01:08:19,695
Let's put it this way, I be
busting nuts like a squirrel.
1396
01:08:19,696 --> 01:08:22,331
Oh, now, we don't have conversations
like that over dinner.
1397
01:08:22,332 --> 01:08:23,331
What are you doing?
1398
01:08:23,332 --> 01:08:26,235
I'm addressing the white
elephant in the room.
1399
01:08:26,236 --> 01:08:29,738
I'm breaking down the barriers
of race by assimilation.
1400
01:08:29,739 --> 01:08:31,740
That's all I'm doing.
Well, you're coming off like a jerk.
1401
01:08:31,741 --> 01:08:33,742
I think it's going well.
1402
01:08:33,743 --> 01:08:36,545
If you haven't noticed,
we don't converse like that.
1403
01:08:36,546 --> 01:08:38,814
Okay, okay.
1404
01:08:38,815 --> 01:08:41,117
Look at big papa down here.
1405
01:08:41,118 --> 01:08:43,619
He's saying to himself,
"Shit! Look at this honky.
1406
01:08:43,620 --> 01:08:47,256
"Sittin' at my table, eatin' my food.
In my house? Touching my daughter?"
1407
01:08:47,257 --> 01:08:48,624
I have.
1408
01:08:48,625 --> 01:08:50,192
- I have touched your daughter.
- Honey!
1409
01:08:50,193 --> 01:08:52,294
We have done things, Papa.
1410
01:08:52,295 --> 01:08:54,597
You ain't gonna like.
You ain't gonna like it none!
1411
01:08:54,598 --> 01:08:56,699
Oh, my goodness!
1412
01:08:56,700 --> 01:09:01,437
I mean, I'm just a guy
from Terre Haute, Indiana
1413
01:09:01,438 --> 01:09:06,408
with a big ol' dick and a fat wallet
and a spleef the size of a baby arm.
1414
01:09:06,409 --> 01:09:08,544
Just looking for someone
who wants to smoke it.
1415
01:09:08,545 --> 01:09:10,446
Let's get some smoke
going in this place, right?
1416
01:09:10,447 --> 01:09:12,547
This ain't no Super Fly.
What is your problem, man?
1417
01:09:14,850 --> 01:09:18,487
Linda, I don't understand
what you are doing with him.
1418
01:09:18,488 --> 01:09:20,589
Oh, you know what
I'm comin' at you with,
1419
01:09:20,590 --> 01:09:23,626
you big black mother of Linda.
Mix it up in a pot!
1420
01:09:23,627 --> 01:09:26,395
Makin' it spicy!
Oh, my Lord.
1421
01:09:26,396 --> 01:09:28,797
Hey.
In the back, cooking up chitlins.
1422
01:09:28,798 --> 01:09:31,233
Big ol' titties.
Big ol' titties.
1423
01:09:31,234 --> 01:09:32,935
Excuse me?
1424
01:09:32,936 --> 01:09:34,637
- That's my mama, man.
- Hey.
1425
01:09:34,638 --> 01:09:36,906
Wave your hands in the air.
1426
01:09:36,907 --> 01:09:38,841
Wave your hands in the air
like you just don't care.
1427
01:09:38,842 --> 01:09:40,676
Please, don't do this.
1428
01:09:40,677 --> 01:09:43,279
Now, which one of you
pipe-hittin' bitches
1429
01:09:43,280 --> 01:09:45,548
can pass me the mashed potatoes?
1430
01:09:45,549 --> 01:09:47,883
Oh, I don't think that
dinner could've gone any better.
1431
01:09:47,884 --> 01:09:50,952
Are you nuts?
No, I'm not! I had a wonderful evening!
1432
01:09:51,921 --> 01:09:54,323
My dad was kicking you
in the head!
1433
01:09:54,324 --> 01:09:56,792
I thought it was like
being jumped into a gang.
1434
01:09:56,793 --> 01:09:58,661
Only with dinner guests!
1435
01:09:58,662 --> 01:10:00,963
You called my family
"pipe-hittin' bitches!"
1436
01:10:00,964 --> 01:10:02,864
I hate to pin it on you, but
1437
01:10:03,899 --> 01:10:05,120
you did invite me to dinner.
1438
01:10:05,868 --> 01:10:07,336
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
1439
01:10:07,337 --> 01:10:09,438
No, I'm sorry.
I just...
1440
01:10:09,439 --> 01:10:12,408
I'm just under
a lot of stress because...
1441
01:10:12,409 --> 01:10:14,476
Because Allenby, he
doesn't want you to do
1442
01:10:14,477 --> 01:10:16,097
the story that
you're doing for sweeps.
1443
01:10:16,612 --> 01:10:19,748
"Death From Above." It's an excellent
story. Wonderful expose.
1444
01:10:19,749 --> 01:10:20,882
Listen, Ron.
1445
01:10:22,351 --> 01:10:23,985
Have you ever heard of synergy?
1446
01:10:30,492 --> 01:10:34,362
So your mom thought we should get
together, spend a little time.
1447
01:10:35,698 --> 01:10:38,800
She doesn't think I connect
with you as a child.
1448
01:10:40,669 --> 01:10:42,470
Can you believe that bullshit?
1449
01:10:44,240 --> 01:10:46,442
Oh! This is hard.
1450
01:10:46,443 --> 01:10:49,377
Things you say
to a 6-year-old...
1451
01:10:50,646 --> 01:10:53,449
Oh! Guess what?
I slept with a black woman.
1452
01:10:53,450 --> 01:10:55,551
What?
Nothing.
1453
01:10:55,552 --> 01:10:58,254
Dad, do you like Spider-Man?
1454
01:10:58,255 --> 01:11:02,324
Nope. Don't care for him.
Never have.
1455
01:11:02,325 --> 01:11:05,928
Don't like the mask, the costume,
the get-up, the webs.
1456
01:11:05,929 --> 01:11:08,764
He comes off like a real dickhead.
Real poser.
1457
01:11:08,765 --> 01:11:10,666
What's a poser?
1458
01:11:10,667 --> 01:11:15,504
A poser is Gary.
That's what a poser is.
1459
01:11:15,505 --> 01:11:17,339
By the way, how is that shitheel?
1460
01:11:17,340 --> 01:11:18,542
What's a shitheel?
1461
01:11:18,874 --> 01:11:21,744
A shitheel is a real fun term
1462
01:11:21,745 --> 01:11:24,380
that you should call Gary
every time you see him.
1463
01:11:24,381 --> 01:11:27,850
When he wakes you up for breakfast,
say, "Good morning, shitheel."
1464
01:11:27,851 --> 01:11:30,352
He'll probably give you
$5 or some candy.
1465
01:11:30,353 --> 01:11:32,388
Does that sound good?
Yeah.
1466
01:11:32,389 --> 01:11:34,490
You're a shitheel, Dad.
1467
01:11:34,491 --> 01:11:37,491
Good. You should
just call Gary that.
1468
01:11:37,517 --> 01:11:39,662
'Cause it makes him really happy.
1469
01:11:39,663 --> 01:11:42,329
It makes me sort of happy,
but it makes him really happy.
1470
01:11:42,765 --> 01:11:44,967
Dad.
Huh?
1471
01:11:44,968 --> 01:11:48,470
Sometimes I hear sounds at
night and I get scared.
1472
01:11:48,471 --> 01:11:51,373
I think there's
a ghost in my closet.
1473
01:11:51,374 --> 01:11:53,075
Now, you listen to me, son.
1474
01:11:53,076 --> 01:11:57,313
There is no such thing
as ghosts. Case closed.
1475
01:11:57,314 --> 01:11:58,881
So what's real that's scary?
1476
01:11:58,882 --> 01:12:00,349
You really want to know
1477
01:12:00,350 --> 01:12:01,930
the one thing
you should be afraid of?
1478
01:12:02,084 --> 01:12:03,751
Yes, I really do.
1479
01:12:04,420 --> 01:12:06,388
Voodoo.
Voodoo?
1480
01:12:06,389 --> 01:12:07,823
Yes, voodoo.
1481
01:12:07,824 --> 01:12:09,825
That shit will mess you up.
1482
01:12:09,826 --> 01:12:12,460
And it is 100% real.
1483
01:12:12,661 --> 01:12:14,730
Promise me
1484
01:12:14,731 --> 01:12:16,031
that you'll never go to Haiti.
1485
01:12:16,065 --> 01:12:18,067
I promise, Dad.
1486
01:12:18,068 --> 01:12:20,002
This was good. I enjoyed
spending time with you.
1487
01:12:20,003 --> 01:12:21,804
Me, too, Dad.
1488
01:12:21,805 --> 01:12:23,806
Oh, and hey. Do you want
to go to Haiti sometime?
1489
01:12:23,807 --> 01:12:26,008
No.
Good. Good.
1490
01:12:26,009 --> 01:12:27,943
What did you tell him?
1491
01:12:27,944 --> 01:12:29,912
I didn't tell him anything.
1492
01:12:29,913 --> 01:12:32,548
He hasn't slept
for four days, Ron!
1493
01:12:32,549 --> 01:12:35,050
Everywhere we go, he asks
me if we're going to Haiti!
1494
01:12:35,051 --> 01:12:36,752
What does that even mean?
1495
01:12:36,753 --> 01:12:39,655
I am so sick and tired
that you've sheltered him
1496
01:12:39,656 --> 01:12:41,757
from the evils of voodoo.
1497
01:12:41,758 --> 01:12:44,827
You need to learn to connect
with him in a healthy way!
1498
01:12:44,828 --> 01:12:46,862
Let me ask you something, and I'm
not trying to be funny here.
1499
01:12:46,863 --> 01:12:49,465
Are you sure he's not a midget
with a learning disability?
1500
01:12:49,466 --> 01:12:52,701
He is seven years old, Ron.
1501
01:12:52,702 --> 01:12:54,503
All right.
Now listen to me.
1502
01:12:54,504 --> 01:12:57,840
He has a science fair
tomorrow, at 8:00,
1503
01:12:57,841 --> 01:12:59,441
and he wants you to be there.
1504
01:12:59,442 --> 01:13:02,444
I will be there.
All right?
1505
01:13:02,445 --> 01:13:03,879
Now, who do you have
for sweeps week?
1506
01:13:03,880 --> 01:13:06,115
I'm not discussing work
with you, Ron, okay?
1507
01:13:06,116 --> 01:13:08,584
Just be there at the
science fair tomorrow.
1508
01:13:08,585 --> 01:13:09,650
Fine!
1509
01:13:11,120 --> 01:13:13,155
Well, they're calling it the
interview of the decade.
1510
01:13:13,156 --> 01:13:16,217
Veronica Corningstone will
sit down with Yasser Arafat.
1511
01:13:16,291 --> 01:13:16,992
Yasser who?
1512
01:13:16,993 --> 01:13:19,994
The head of the PLO and some say the
key to peace in the Middle East.
1513
01:13:20,093 --> 01:13:23,955
Of course, Ms. Corningstone is
the ex-wife of Ron Burgundy,
1514
01:13:23,967 --> 01:13:26,501
so you know that's got to be
a little stinger for Ronny.
1515
01:13:26,502 --> 01:13:28,437
Tony Danza's scrotum!
1516
01:13:28,538 --> 01:13:30,806
Well, that'll do it for
all of us here at GNN.
1517
01:13:30,807 --> 01:13:33,776
Thank God for the events,
thank me for the news.
1518
01:13:33,777 --> 01:13:35,142
I'm Dick Phuc.
1519
01:13:39,081 --> 01:13:42,918
We're going to get crushed
in ratings. Just crushed.
1520
01:13:42,919 --> 01:13:45,421
I really thought we had
a chance this time.
1521
01:13:45,422 --> 01:13:47,221
What about my
"Death From Above" story?
1522
01:13:48,791 --> 01:13:51,158
You better ask Ron about that.
1523
01:13:52,528 --> 01:13:54,096
We're pulling that story, Brian.
1524
01:13:54,097 --> 01:13:56,932
What? Why?
I worked hard on that story.
1525
01:13:56,933 --> 01:13:58,534
It was my call, all right, Brian?
1526
01:13:58,535 --> 01:14:00,202
Just let it go.
It's synergy.
1527
01:14:00,203 --> 01:14:01,470
What does that mean?
1528
01:14:01,471 --> 01:14:03,705
Take it easy, Ron.
1529
01:14:03,706 --> 01:14:06,308
We got further than anybody thought
we would. We'll get 'em next time.
1530
01:14:06,309 --> 01:14:07,543
You take it easy!
1531
01:14:07,544 --> 01:14:09,111
I'm not in this to finish second!
1532
01:14:09,112 --> 01:14:10,979
I think Champ is just saying...
1533
01:14:10,980 --> 01:14:14,550
I know what he was trying
to say, Brian, okay?
1534
01:14:14,551 --> 01:14:17,186
And it doesn't surprise me
that you guys don't care.
1535
01:14:17,187 --> 01:14:19,554
Let's face it, I'm the one
who gets the ratings.
1536
01:14:20,722 --> 01:14:22,822
I'm starting to wonder
what you clowns actually do.
1537
01:14:23,792 --> 01:14:26,562
Chani likes clowns.
Except for the scary ones.
1538
01:14:26,563 --> 01:14:27,595
Shut up, Brick!
1539
01:14:28,096 --> 01:14:29,997
Just shut up for once!
1540
01:14:30,966 --> 01:14:32,801
Ron
1541
01:14:32,802 --> 01:14:34,503
yelled at me.
1542
01:14:34,504 --> 01:14:35,925
You're damn right
I yelled at you!
1543
01:14:39,541 --> 01:14:41,877
You don't yell at Brick.
1544
01:14:41,878 --> 01:14:43,099
Are you still smoking crack?
1545
01:14:43,579 --> 01:14:44,879
No.
1546
01:14:45,948 --> 01:14:47,369
I only smoked crack
that one time.
1547
01:14:49,017 --> 01:14:52,020
That's a lie.
I've done it six more times.
1548
01:14:52,021 --> 01:14:53,489
You made Brick cry.
1549
01:14:55,191 --> 01:14:57,158
You've gone ratings crazy, Ron.
1550
01:14:59,661 --> 01:15:02,130
But seriously, do you have
any more of that crack left?
1551
01:15:02,131 --> 01:15:04,500
You know what, Ron?
1552
01:15:04,501 --> 01:15:06,668
We're a news team,
and that's a bond for life.
1553
01:15:06,669 --> 01:15:08,570
But I don't like the
man you've become.
1554
01:15:08,571 --> 01:15:11,607
You know, we were happy
when you found us. Right?
1555
01:15:11,608 --> 01:15:13,542
I was taking pictures of pussies,
1556
01:15:13,543 --> 01:15:16,512
Champ was serving bats to
people, and Brick was dead.
1557
01:15:16,513 --> 01:15:19,581
We took a gamble. Took a
gamble to follow you here.
1558
01:15:19,582 --> 01:15:21,250
But I'm starting to realize,
this was all about you,
1559
01:15:21,251 --> 01:15:23,652
and beating Veronica
at all costs.
1560
01:15:23,653 --> 01:15:24,920
Had nothing to do with the news,
nothing to do with the team.
1561
01:15:24,921 --> 01:15:26,522
Brian, don't.
1562
01:15:26,523 --> 01:15:27,990
You know, I might not
be the smartest guy,
1563
01:15:27,991 --> 01:15:30,726
but I know a thing or two
about a thing or two.
1564
01:15:30,727 --> 01:15:32,761
I know that if you're
pleasuring a woman down south,
1565
01:15:32,762 --> 01:15:34,663
you use your tongue to
spell out the alphabet.
1566
01:15:34,664 --> 01:15:37,733
Around the bubble.
Around her bubble.
1567
01:15:37,734 --> 01:15:40,969
The vulva!
The Volvo.
1568
01:15:40,970 --> 01:15:44,540
I know that "synergy" is a
completely made-up word.
1569
01:15:44,541 --> 01:15:47,309
I know that washing
your hands is for nerds.
1570
01:15:47,310 --> 01:15:49,845
Especially if you
don't mind pinkeye.
1571
01:15:49,846 --> 01:15:55,150
And I know that, no matter what,
you always stand by your friends.
1572
01:15:55,151 --> 01:15:57,284
You'll have to excuse me, Brian.
1573
01:15:58,053 --> 01:16:00,656
I've got a sore back
1574
01:16:00,657 --> 01:16:03,791
from carrying your ass around
for the last 15 years.
1575
01:16:04,860 --> 01:16:06,962
You know what, Burgundy?
1576
01:16:06,963 --> 01:16:09,798
I think your mouth is writing
checks that your body isn't...
1577
01:16:09,799 --> 01:16:11,766
Can't even...
Do anything with.
1578
01:16:18,240 --> 01:16:20,908
Fine, go!
I don't need you!
1579
01:16:21,743 --> 01:16:23,778
I'll do the news by myself!
1580
01:16:28,817 --> 01:16:32,020
Tonight I interview
Yasser Arafat,
1581
01:16:32,021 --> 01:16:33,962
This is terrible.
the secretive head of the PLO.
1582
01:16:34,623 --> 01:16:36,223
We're on in 20, Ron. 20.
All right.
1583
01:16:37,025 --> 01:16:38,025
You ready?
1584
01:16:38,794 --> 01:16:40,896
What's that?
Huh?
1585
01:16:40,897 --> 01:16:43,231
Oh, that's nothing.
It's just a car chase
1586
01:16:43,232 --> 01:16:45,132
on the satellite feed
from Milwaukee.
1587
01:16:46,201 --> 01:16:48,337
You know what?
1588
01:16:48,338 --> 01:16:50,839
Give it to me live
to start the broadcast.
1589
01:16:50,840 --> 01:16:53,609
No. That's not news, Ron.
1590
01:16:53,610 --> 01:16:55,611
Give it to me live, okay?
1591
01:16:55,612 --> 01:16:56,878
And don't question me again.
1592
01:16:56,879 --> 01:16:58,280
Bill!
1593
01:16:58,281 --> 01:17:00,982
- Now to you, the modern viewer,
- Here we go.
1594
01:17:00,983 --> 01:17:03,652
reporting on a car chase
may seem commonplace,
1595
01:17:03,653 --> 01:17:06,822
3, 2...
but in 1980, it was unheard of.
1596
01:17:06,823 --> 01:17:08,957
Good evening.
I'm Ron Burgundy,
1597
01:17:08,958 --> 01:17:11,259
reporting live from New York.
1598
01:17:11,260 --> 01:17:14,730
We have breaking news developing
in our nation's heartland.
1599
01:17:14,731 --> 01:17:18,400
A high-speed car chase
is in progress...
1600
01:17:18,401 --> 01:17:21,003
Keep the "Breaking News" logo.
Keep up the graphics.
1601
01:17:21,004 --> 01:17:23,972
Reaching speeds of 100 miles per hour.
And for the first time in news history,
1602
01:17:23,973 --> 01:17:26,074
we will stay with it live
1603
01:17:26,075 --> 01:17:29,011
until it resolves
in either a huge accident
1604
01:17:29,012 --> 01:17:31,013
- or a massive shootout.
- Richard!
1605
01:17:31,014 --> 01:17:33,380
Hurry. Get in here!
There's a car chase on the news!
1606
01:17:34,950 --> 01:17:36,852
When is Dad gonna be here?
1607
01:17:36,853 --> 01:17:37,985
He'll be here.
1608
01:17:38,654 --> 01:17:39,955
Are you a little upset?
1609
01:17:39,956 --> 01:17:41,956
Do you want to
do that thing where we
1610
01:17:42,791 --> 01:17:45,127
sort of talk about our feelings?
1611
01:17:45,128 --> 01:17:47,696
Oh, God, no.
Okay.
1612
01:17:47,697 --> 01:17:49,431
This is the pulse
of what's going on
1613
01:17:49,432 --> 01:17:51,433
in our country right now.
1614
01:17:51,434 --> 01:17:53,101
Freddie, what's going on?
1615
01:17:53,102 --> 01:17:55,003
Why is there a local
car chase on the TV?
1616
01:17:55,004 --> 01:17:56,972
It's Burgundy. He insisted!
1617
01:17:56,973 --> 01:17:58,740
Can't you see what
the son of a bitch is doing?
1618
01:17:58,741 --> 01:18:02,177
We didn't have a story, so he made one.
You can't do that!
1619
01:18:02,178 --> 01:18:04,112
Tell Ron to speculate
who's driving the car.
1620
01:18:04,113 --> 01:18:07,282
Ron, speculate
on who's driving the car.
1621
01:18:07,283 --> 01:18:11,053
Uh, we believe the driver
may be on drugs.
1622
01:18:11,054 --> 01:18:13,922
He's probably 6'7", 6'8".
1623
01:18:13,923 --> 01:18:16,425
But a skinny 6'7", 6'8".
About 160.
1624
01:18:16,426 --> 01:18:18,927
He may have a hostage or two.
1625
01:18:18,928 --> 01:18:21,263
Uh, we don't know.
He could have...
1626
01:18:21,264 --> 01:18:23,999
The phone lines are lighting up.
It's about the chase!
1627
01:18:24,000 --> 01:18:25,734
I've never seen anything like it!
1628
01:18:25,735 --> 01:18:28,270
Mr. Arafat,
is there any
1629
01:18:28,271 --> 01:18:31,807
scenario by which peace
could be reached with Israel?
1630
01:18:31,808 --> 01:18:33,742
Peace is what burns in my heart.
I am committed to...
1631
01:18:33,743 --> 01:18:34,723
What was... Excuse me.
1632
01:18:35,277 --> 01:18:37,245
What happened to the...
1633
01:18:37,246 --> 01:18:39,047
The network cut to
another developing story.
1634
01:18:39,048 --> 01:18:40,882
Some kind of crazy car chase.
1635
01:18:40,883 --> 01:18:43,719
Who covers a car chase?
1636
01:18:43,720 --> 01:18:47,923
I am sitting here with the most important
interview of my entire career,
1637
01:18:47,924 --> 01:18:49,458
and they're cutting
to a car chase?
1638
01:18:49,459 --> 01:18:52,828
I would like to watch the car chase.
You need to shut your mouth.
1639
01:18:52,829 --> 01:18:56,865
This is extremely gripping. Oh! Oh!
He just hit a car! He just hit a car!
1640
01:18:56,866 --> 01:18:58,033
He hit a car!
Did you see that?
1641
01:18:58,034 --> 01:19:00,235
- He hit a car!
- Wow!
1642
01:19:00,236 --> 01:19:01,903
He hit the car!
He hit the car!
1643
01:19:01,904 --> 01:19:04,873
When did the news get awesome?
1644
01:19:04,874 --> 01:19:06,775
And he just
loses it! Wow!
1645
01:19:06,776 --> 01:19:08,477
That's exactly what we needed.
1646
01:19:08,478 --> 01:19:10,660
It was getting a little boring...
1647
01:19:13,081 --> 01:19:15,383
Hey. You did
a great job.
1648
01:19:15,384 --> 01:19:17,786
Thanks, Gary.
1649
01:19:17,787 --> 01:19:19,321
I don't think your dad's coming.
1650
01:19:19,322 --> 01:19:21,142
I'm sorry, honey,
but I think we need to go.
1651
01:19:22,491 --> 01:19:24,525
Stop reading my mind!
1652
01:19:25,227 --> 01:19:26,427
All right.
1653
01:19:30,966 --> 01:19:32,566
I mean, this is
what I worry about.
1654
01:19:34,803 --> 01:19:36,772
Did you do that with your mind?
1655
01:19:36,773 --> 01:19:37,839
No.
1656
01:19:37,840 --> 01:19:39,808
Liar.
1657
01:19:39,809 --> 01:19:44,079
We're just getting word that police
have finally apprehended the suspect.
1658
01:19:44,080 --> 01:19:46,948
It turns out that he is
an elderly gentleman,
1659
01:19:46,949 --> 01:19:48,884
he's 80 years old,
1660
01:19:48,885 --> 01:19:50,485
and he was simply confused.
Unbelievable.
1661
01:19:50,486 --> 01:19:52,554
I'm Ron Burgundy.
1662
01:19:52,555 --> 01:19:56,357
Don't just have a great night,
have an American night.
1663
01:19:58,226 --> 01:20:00,027
And we are clear!
1664
01:20:00,195 --> 01:20:01,262
Yes!
1665
01:20:01,830 --> 01:20:02,998
Great!
1666
01:20:02,999 --> 01:20:04,833
All right!
1667
01:20:04,834 --> 01:20:06,802
I don't believe it!
You did it, Ron!
1668
01:20:06,803 --> 01:20:08,602
Oh, my goodness.
Thanks, Freddie.
1669
01:20:09,971 --> 01:20:11,940
I don't deserve this.
1670
01:20:11,941 --> 01:20:13,540
It was a team effort.
It really was.
1671
01:20:22,918 --> 01:20:24,586
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
1672
01:20:24,587 --> 01:20:26,922
we all know there's one reason
1673
01:20:26,923 --> 01:20:30,325
that GNN has gotten to the top.
1674
01:20:30,326 --> 01:20:33,261
And that reason is the greatest
bloody newsman in the world.
1675
01:20:33,262 --> 01:20:35,297
Long may he reign!
1676
01:20:35,298 --> 01:20:36,998
Mr. Ron Burgundy!
1677
01:20:36,999 --> 01:20:38,098
Yeah, Ron! Yeah!
1678
01:20:47,442 --> 01:20:49,076
Fire it up, Ronny!
1679
01:21:13,068 --> 01:21:14,636
Let's blaze.
1680
01:21:14,637 --> 01:21:17,104
Yeah. To hell
with Ron Burgundy.
1681
01:21:18,373 --> 01:21:20,240
We did it, my onyx hellion.
1682
01:21:22,644 --> 01:21:23,644
You're magic!
1683
01:21:26,348 --> 01:21:28,382
Ron, you should see
what you're doing!
1684
01:21:44,666 --> 01:21:47,135
In the myth of Icarus,
1685
01:21:47,136 --> 01:21:49,905
Icarus, full of the folly
that comes with pride,
1686
01:21:49,906 --> 01:21:51,239
flew too high
1687
01:21:51,240 --> 01:21:53,073
and the sun melted his wings.
1688
01:21:54,576 --> 01:21:58,313
Burgundy's fame was bigger
than he ever imagined.
1689
01:21:58,314 --> 01:22:01,015
And the fall was dizzying.
1690
01:22:09,190 --> 01:22:10,524
Oh, my God, Ronny!
1691
01:22:10,959 --> 01:22:12,994
Ron!
1692
01:22:12,995 --> 01:22:14,562
- Open the bloody gate.
- Will somebody call an ambulance?
1693
01:22:14,563 --> 01:22:16,563
Do not die in front of us!
1694
01:22:17,565 --> 01:22:20,167
Do not die in front of us!
1695
01:22:22,337 --> 01:22:24,172
Stay classy, Ron Burgundy.
1696
01:22:24,173 --> 01:22:25,572
Somebody call an ambulance!
1697
01:22:37,452 --> 01:22:39,220
Damn it, Milton, what is it?
1698
01:22:39,221 --> 01:22:40,522
Well, Ron...
1699
01:22:40,523 --> 01:22:42,524
I, um...
1700
01:22:42,525 --> 01:22:45,493
It looks as if both optic nerves
1701
01:22:45,494 --> 01:22:48,663
are separated from
their respective corneas.
1702
01:22:48,664 --> 01:22:50,464
What?
No other way to put this, but...
1703
01:22:51,066 --> 01:22:52,267
You're blind.
1704
01:22:52,268 --> 01:22:55,136
Milton, I'm an anchorman.
1705
01:22:55,137 --> 01:22:58,606
I read the news off the teleprompter.
It's what I do!
1706
01:22:58,607 --> 01:23:00,241
How will I live?
1707
01:23:00,242 --> 01:23:01,643
I'm no career counselor,
1708
01:23:01,644 --> 01:23:03,345
but there are
many things you can do.
1709
01:23:03,346 --> 01:23:05,580
Be an oracle, or a mystic.
1710
01:23:05,581 --> 01:23:07,482
Clearly, there must be something
1711
01:23:07,483 --> 01:23:10,986
in this new-fangled office
of yours that can help me!
1712
01:23:10,987 --> 01:23:12,787
Settle down.
There's got to be something in here!
1713
01:23:12,788 --> 01:23:14,122
Settle down!
1714
01:23:14,123 --> 01:23:15,991
Zombies! Zombies!
1715
01:23:15,992 --> 01:23:17,257
Ahh!
1716
01:23:18,560 --> 01:23:20,861
If you get my hands
on me, I'll kill you.
1717
01:23:22,330 --> 01:23:24,032
The world of the blind.
1718
01:23:24,033 --> 01:23:25,667
Ron Burgundy, a man who had
1719
01:23:25,668 --> 01:23:28,303
flourished in a visual medium,
1720
01:23:28,304 --> 01:23:31,539
had forever entered
this realm of darkness.
1721
01:23:31,540 --> 01:23:34,508
♪ Always lonely
1722
01:23:35,143 --> 01:23:37,678
♪ Always looking
1723
01:23:39,347 --> 01:23:43,517
♪ To get even with the men
who did him wrong
1724
01:23:46,187 --> 01:23:48,289
♪ That was Billy
1725
01:23:49,792 --> 01:23:50,791
Who is it?
1726
01:23:53,561 --> 01:23:55,764
Ron, it's us!
1727
01:23:55,765 --> 01:23:57,332
I'm sure you gentlemen
1728
01:23:57,333 --> 01:23:59,534
are famished from your travels.
1729
01:23:59,535 --> 01:24:03,238
I hope you like Triscuits
and some pimento loaf.
1730
01:24:03,239 --> 01:24:05,205
Still hot off the griddle!
1731
01:24:05,507 --> 01:24:07,442
There we go.
1732
01:24:07,443 --> 01:24:09,623
Well, everyone at the station
really misses you, Ron.
1733
01:24:10,712 --> 01:24:13,681
Jack Lime's been filling in for
you since you've been gone.
1734
01:24:13,682 --> 01:24:16,017
You know, he's really not
such a bad guy after all.
1735
01:24:16,018 --> 01:24:17,118
Ha-ha.
1736
01:24:17,119 --> 01:24:19,154
He goes by Jack Lame now.
1737
01:24:19,155 --> 01:24:21,122
Well, he shouldn't be doing that.
1738
01:24:21,123 --> 01:24:22,503
He should be going by Jack Lame.
1739
01:24:22,657 --> 01:24:23,758
Brick!
1740
01:24:23,759 --> 01:24:25,560
Brick.
1741
01:24:25,561 --> 01:24:27,327
That's checkers and caulk.
Don't eat that.
1742
01:24:28,696 --> 01:24:30,365
What about Linda?
She hasn't called.
1743
01:24:30,366 --> 01:24:31,332
Linda's pretty busy.
1744
01:24:31,333 --> 01:24:34,803
Ron, I'm going
to need your recipe.
1745
01:24:34,804 --> 01:24:36,571
So, Ron, what do you do
with yourself all day?
1746
01:24:36,572 --> 01:24:38,406
You're just out here pretty
much away from everything.
1747
01:24:38,407 --> 01:24:40,708
Well, every day begins
about the same.
1748
01:24:40,709 --> 01:24:44,679
I wake up screaming in terror because
of the blackness and I think I'm dead.
1749
01:24:44,680 --> 01:24:46,114
Every day?
1750
01:24:46,115 --> 01:24:48,216
Yes! Every day!
1751
01:24:48,217 --> 01:24:51,186
And then I begin what's called
The Great Adventure.
1752
01:24:51,187 --> 01:24:53,455
Making breakfast.
1753
01:24:53,456 --> 01:24:56,091
I've eaten everything
from nails to drink coasters.
1754
01:24:56,092 --> 01:24:58,626
One time I bit hard
into a marble ashtray,
1755
01:24:58,627 --> 01:25:00,762
thinking it was a savory waffle.
1756
01:25:00,763 --> 01:25:05,433
I wanted that waffle so bad!
Completely shattered my teeth.
1757
01:25:05,434 --> 01:25:07,669
Couldn't you tell the ashtray
wasn't hot like a waffle?
1758
01:25:07,670 --> 01:25:10,472
No! I couldn't!
Because I'm blind!
1759
01:25:10,473 --> 01:25:14,175
I'm not blind 23 hours a
day or 22 hours a day,
1760
01:25:14,176 --> 01:25:17,378
I'm blind the whole goddamn time!
1761
01:25:17,379 --> 01:25:20,682
Do you have any idea what it's like
to drink a half a bottle of ketchup
1762
01:25:20,683 --> 01:25:24,351
thinking it was a bottle of
1946 Chateauneuf-Du-Pape?
1763
01:25:25,587 --> 01:25:27,489
I even decanted it!
1764
01:25:27,490 --> 01:25:30,492
If you drank half a bottle
of that, that's like...
1765
01:25:30,493 --> 01:25:33,761
That's like nine or ten gulps. I mean,
you couldn't tell that was ketchup?
1766
01:25:33,762 --> 01:25:35,330
Did I stutter?
1767
01:25:35,331 --> 01:25:38,733
I'm ba-lind!
1768
01:25:38,734 --> 01:25:40,735
You're having a tough
time, Ron, I know.
1769
01:25:40,736 --> 01:25:42,356
You know what
the biggest indignity is?
1770
01:25:42,837 --> 01:25:44,372
I can't even masturbate!
1771
01:25:44,373 --> 01:25:45,807
Why?
1772
01:25:45,808 --> 01:25:48,209
Heck, one morning,
I spent 20 minutes
1773
01:25:48,210 --> 01:25:52,580
aggressively rubbing my shin,
wondering, "Where's the sensation?
1774
01:25:52,581 --> 01:25:53,815
"Where's the pleasure coming?"
1775
01:25:53,816 --> 01:25:56,351
You rubbed your shin
thinking it was a penis?
1776
01:25:56,352 --> 01:25:57,519
I know you think
I'm stupid, don't you?
1777
01:25:57,520 --> 01:25:59,420
- No!
- The weirdo
1778
01:25:59,421 --> 01:26:02,557
who lives in the weird lighthouse
in the middle of nowhere.
1779
01:26:02,558 --> 01:26:04,692
Ron, it was your choice to
live in a "weird lighthouse."
1780
01:26:04,693 --> 01:26:06,427
You know why I live here?
1781
01:26:06,428 --> 01:26:10,532
Let me say it real
slow and real loud.
1782
01:26:10,533 --> 01:26:12,567
I'm
1783
01:26:12,568 --> 01:26:15,535
bl-i-i-i-i-nd!
1784
01:26:16,471 --> 01:26:17,939
I guess we should
get out of here.
1785
01:26:17,940 --> 01:26:19,607
Maybe you should go. Yes.
1786
01:26:19,608 --> 01:26:22,243
Why don't you guys get out of here!
1787
01:26:22,244 --> 01:26:24,712
Despite my complete
and utter isolation,
1788
01:26:24,713 --> 01:26:27,547
your gentlemen's visit
has actually made it worse!
1789
01:26:35,190 --> 01:26:36,556
Goodbye, Ron.
1790
01:26:38,793 --> 01:26:39,393
What?
1791
01:26:40,828 --> 01:26:42,664
No, don't go!
1792
01:26:42,665 --> 01:26:46,500
Please! Wait!
I'm all alone! Come back!
1793
01:26:51,506 --> 01:26:53,907
Wait! Come back!
1794
01:26:54,842 --> 01:26:56,610
Come back!
1795
01:26:59,814 --> 01:27:01,581
I'm alone!
1796
01:27:02,550 --> 01:27:07,355
Why have you done this to me, God?
Why?
1797
01:27:07,356 --> 01:27:10,892
Couldn't you have cured a sick
child or created a new animal?
1798
01:27:10,893 --> 01:27:14,562
But, no, you had to
make Ron Burgundy blind!
1799
01:27:15,998 --> 01:27:17,665
Well, I never
thought that I would see
1800
01:27:17,666 --> 01:27:21,236
the Ron Burgundy full
of so much self-pity.
1801
01:27:21,237 --> 01:27:23,871
Who is it? What is that noise?
1802
01:27:23,872 --> 01:27:24,871
Take my hand.
1803
01:27:25,640 --> 01:27:27,375
I can't see it!
1804
01:27:27,376 --> 01:27:29,310
Reach for it, Ron!
1805
01:27:29,311 --> 01:27:31,545
You have to learn
to do for yourself now.
1806
01:27:32,413 --> 01:27:34,015
All right. This...
Okay. Here we go.
1807
01:27:34,016 --> 01:27:35,349
Get up. There we go.
1808
01:27:37,919 --> 01:27:39,687
Cher, is that you?
1809
01:27:39,688 --> 01:27:41,149
You can't recognize me
by my voice?
1810
01:27:41,889 --> 01:27:43,423
Jan-Michael Vincent?
1811
01:27:43,758 --> 01:27:45,660
Really?
1812
01:27:45,661 --> 01:27:48,463
Every news station is
copying what you did, Ron.
1813
01:27:48,464 --> 01:27:53,635
All the stories are about animals,
or car chases or strip clubs.
1814
01:27:53,636 --> 01:27:56,571
The genie has been
let out of the bottle,
1815
01:27:56,572 --> 01:27:58,740
and old Ron Burgundy
popped the cork.
1816
01:27:58,741 --> 01:28:01,342
That's why I quit WBC News.
1817
01:28:01,343 --> 01:28:02,503
What?
There's no real news...
1818
01:28:02,529 --> 01:28:05,025
being reported out there.
It's just all about ratings.
1819
01:28:05,280 --> 01:28:06,546
Veronica.
1820
01:28:07,048 --> 01:28:08,650
Why are you here?
1821
01:28:08,651 --> 01:28:10,083
I'm here for our son, Ron.
1822
01:28:10,585 --> 01:28:12,320
Walter needs you.
1823
01:28:12,321 --> 01:28:14,355
I need you to start
taking responsibility
1824
01:28:14,356 --> 01:28:16,324
for him and for yourself.
1825
01:28:16,325 --> 01:28:18,459
Do you realize
you're talking to a man
1826
01:28:18,460 --> 01:28:20,461
who just this morning
tried to brush his teeth
1827
01:28:20,462 --> 01:28:21,661
with a live lobster?
1828
01:28:21,863 --> 01:28:23,063
What?
1829
01:28:24,766 --> 01:28:26,934
You would've known the second
that you touched it...
1830
01:28:26,935 --> 01:28:29,804
I'm just saying it's not
going to be a cakewalk.
1831
01:28:29,805 --> 01:28:31,938
Well, then we best get to it.
1832
01:28:32,473 --> 01:28:33,640
Now, drink your tea.
1833
01:28:34,509 --> 01:28:36,076
Oh!
1834
01:28:38,413 --> 01:28:41,816
Let me get a sponge. I'll get it.
All right. No, no, just stay there.
1835
01:28:41,817 --> 01:28:43,650
I'll have it
cleaned up in a jiffy.
1836
01:28:54,429 --> 01:28:55,830
Let's try this again.
1837
01:28:55,831 --> 01:28:57,598
Did you throw it?
Yes, I threw it.
1838
01:28:57,599 --> 01:28:58,965
Just remember the curves.
1839
01:28:59,367 --> 01:29:00,568
The curves.
1840
01:29:00,569 --> 01:29:02,870
The green eyes.
Green eyes.
1841
01:29:02,871 --> 01:29:04,571
You have to use
your other senses now!
1842
01:29:04,839 --> 01:29:06,573
I can't do it!
1843
01:29:07,942 --> 01:29:10,844
Baxter found something on the beach!
1844
01:29:11,412 --> 01:29:12,947
Ron, be careful!
1845
01:29:12,948 --> 01:29:15,483
It's okay!
1846
01:29:15,484 --> 01:29:18,919
Walter, what is it?
It's some kind of fish!
1847
01:29:19,954 --> 01:29:21,823
Oh, my goodness!
1848
01:29:21,824 --> 01:29:23,624
If he stays tangled in this net,
1849
01:29:23,625 --> 01:29:25,460
he's not going to survive.
1850
01:29:25,461 --> 01:29:26,993
Walter, sweetheart, it's a shark.
1851
01:29:27,362 --> 01:29:29,430
Son,
1852
01:29:29,431 --> 01:29:31,966
don't you worry, we won't
let this fellow die.
1853
01:29:31,967 --> 01:29:33,733
We'll do it together, Dad.
1854
01:29:38,840 --> 01:29:40,908
That should keep him in
there until he's strong enough
1855
01:29:40,909 --> 01:29:42,476
to swim out to the deep ocean.
1856
01:29:42,810 --> 01:29:43,978
Can I name him?
1857
01:29:43,979 --> 01:29:45,880
Of course you can, son.
1858
01:29:45,881 --> 01:29:49,016
What about Crackers?
1859
01:29:49,017 --> 01:29:51,886
Give me a goddamned break.
1860
01:29:51,887 --> 01:29:55,056
Seriously, you've got one of the
most vicious predators in the ocean,
1861
01:29:55,057 --> 01:29:57,091
you're gonna name him "Crackers"?
1862
01:29:57,092 --> 01:30:02,063
In the future when you say I can name
something, don't be a dick about it.
1863
01:30:02,064 --> 01:30:05,433
Why don't we do this?
Let's name him Doby.
1864
01:30:05,434 --> 01:30:09,103
You talk all that smack and that's
the best name you come up with?
1865
01:30:09,104 --> 01:30:11,672
Well, we're not gonna get
any better than that.
1866
01:30:11,673 --> 01:30:16,144
I mean, you obviously can't name
him anything that sounds good.
1867
01:30:16,145 --> 01:30:20,415
How about we forget about this whole
name thing and you go straight to hell?
1868
01:30:20,416 --> 01:30:22,483
Well, I don't know what to do.
1869
01:30:22,484 --> 01:30:25,853
We might as well poison the
water and let him die.
1870
01:30:25,854 --> 01:30:28,523
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's just go with Doby.
1871
01:30:28,524 --> 01:30:31,058
Fine, then it's settled.
It's Doby.
1872
01:30:31,059 --> 01:30:35,029
We'll call him Doby
even though no one likes it.
1873
01:30:35,030 --> 01:30:37,098
All right, I can live with that.
1874
01:30:39,134 --> 01:30:42,135
Don't worry, Baxter.
We won't feed him your dog food.
1875
01:30:47,909 --> 01:30:50,678
Even though Ron
Burgundy had lost his sight,
1876
01:30:50,679 --> 01:30:52,613
he had never seen so clearly.
1877
01:30:52,614 --> 01:30:54,749
You did it!
1878
01:30:54,750 --> 01:30:58,818
And with every inch
Doby grew, so did Ron's heart.
1879
01:31:10,164 --> 01:31:12,567
It's just a bunch
of crazy lines, isn't it?
1880
01:31:12,568 --> 01:31:15,268
No. It's beautiful.
1881
01:31:16,704 --> 01:31:18,271
It's beautiful.
1882
01:31:32,954 --> 01:31:34,856
What about Gary?
1883
01:31:34,857 --> 01:31:37,024
We split up two weeks ago.
1884
01:31:37,025 --> 01:31:40,595
He was too emotionally stable.
It was so annoying!
1885
01:31:40,596 --> 01:31:43,798
And so, just like
the passing of the seasons,
1886
01:31:43,799 --> 01:31:46,000
it came time for Doby to return
1887
01:31:46,001 --> 01:31:48,202
to the deep waters
he was meant to call home.
1888
01:31:48,203 --> 01:31:50,505
I hear his tail splashing!
1889
01:31:50,506 --> 01:31:52,640
He's actually swimming away!
1890
01:31:52,641 --> 01:31:54,775
Is he looking back for us
over his shoulder?
1891
01:31:54,776 --> 01:31:56,277
Sharks don't have shoulders, Ron.
1892
01:31:56,278 --> 01:31:58,079
No, he just swam away,
1893
01:31:58,080 --> 01:32:00,146
and he's instantly looking
for fish to eat.
1894
01:32:00,815 --> 01:32:02,983
He was my best friend.
1895
01:32:04,018 --> 01:32:05,987
♪ You
1896
01:32:05,988 --> 01:32:08,021
♪ Swam with strength
1897
01:32:09,824 --> 01:32:11,224
♪ You
1898
01:32:11,859 --> 01:32:14,661
♪ Loved with grace
1899
01:32:15,897 --> 01:32:19,165
♪ You touched us all
1900
01:32:19,867 --> 01:32:22,737
♪ With your expressionless
1901
01:32:22,738 --> 01:32:24,838
♪ Face
1902
01:32:27,074 --> 01:32:29,810
♪ Doby, oh, Doby
1903
01:32:29,811 --> 01:32:33,748
♪ May you find many treasures
1904
01:32:33,749 --> 01:32:37,751
♪ Both emotional and monetary
1905
01:32:39,287 --> 01:32:42,657
♪ You were wise and loving
1906
01:32:42,658 --> 01:32:45,725
♪ and never contrary
1907
01:32:45,960 --> 01:32:47,794
♪ Doby
1908
01:32:48,062 --> 01:32:50,330
♪ Oh, Doby
1909
01:32:51,032 --> 01:32:53,366
♪ I'll never forget thee
1910
01:32:57,672 --> 01:32:59,139
♪ Doby
1911
01:32:59,340 --> 01:33:02,276
♪ Oh, Doby
1912
01:33:02,277 --> 01:33:04,911
♪ I'll never forget thee
1913
01:33:09,650 --> 01:33:11,786
Promise you'll always
be there for me, Dad?
1914
01:33:11,787 --> 01:33:13,788
I promise.
1915
01:33:13,789 --> 01:33:15,856
If I say I'll be there for you,
1916
01:33:15,857 --> 01:33:18,125
there's nothing on God's earth
that will stop me.
1917
01:33:18,126 --> 01:33:20,027
I love you, Dad.
1918
01:33:20,028 --> 01:33:22,163
Let's get back up to
the lighthouse, all right?
1919
01:33:22,164 --> 01:33:23,730
Come on.
Okay.
1920
01:33:24,231 --> 01:33:25,365
Let's go.
1921
01:33:26,834 --> 01:33:30,470
I hope you eat lots of fish
and people, Doby.
1922
01:33:36,310 --> 01:33:37,979
Oh, there you are.
1923
01:33:37,980 --> 01:33:41,282
I found the most beautiful
clams down by the estuary.
1924
01:33:41,283 --> 01:33:43,184
I thought we could steam
them up tonight
1925
01:33:43,185 --> 01:33:45,218
with a nice butter sauce
1926
01:33:45,720 --> 01:33:47,622
and some wine.
1927
01:33:48,856 --> 01:33:49,923
Veronica.
1928
01:33:50,157 --> 01:33:51,825
Yes, Ron?
1929
01:33:52,393 --> 01:33:53,993
Can you explain this?
1930
01:33:55,831 --> 01:34:00,668
Ron, this is Dr. Brangley.
I've left dozens of messages.
1931
01:34:00,669 --> 01:34:02,169
Somehow, they must be
getting erased.
1932
01:34:02,170 --> 01:34:04,205
But there is a procedure
1933
01:34:04,206 --> 01:34:07,108
that can possibly
return your sight.
1934
01:34:07,109 --> 01:34:09,877
Please get back to me if
you're interested.
1935
01:34:09,878 --> 01:34:13,214
Well? Have you been
erasing these messages?
1936
01:34:13,215 --> 01:34:15,816
Yes. Ron,
just let me explain.
1937
01:34:15,817 --> 01:34:17,351
How could you?
1938
01:34:17,352 --> 01:34:20,054
We've never been this happy
and I just thought that...
1939
01:34:20,055 --> 01:34:22,089
Thought that
if I could see again,
1940
01:34:22,090 --> 01:34:24,125
that somehow I couldn't
love you and Walter anymore?
1941
01:34:24,126 --> 01:34:25,926
Yes!
1942
01:34:25,927 --> 01:34:27,895
Damn you, woman!
1943
01:34:27,896 --> 01:34:29,896
You lied to me!
1944
01:34:30,831 --> 01:34:32,700
I gave you everything!
1945
01:34:32,701 --> 01:34:34,234
I gave you my heart,
1946
01:34:34,735 --> 01:34:36,336
my smile,
1947
01:34:36,704 --> 01:34:38,238
my seed.
1948
01:34:38,873 --> 01:34:40,241
And you lied to me.
1949
01:34:40,242 --> 01:34:41,375
Dad!
Sweetheart.
1950
01:34:41,376 --> 01:34:43,244
No! Dad!
1951
01:34:43,245 --> 01:34:45,011
Don't leave, Dad!
1952
01:34:45,746 --> 01:34:47,982
Dad!
Walter, just...
1953
01:34:47,983 --> 01:34:49,850
Sweetheart, we have to let him go.
1954
01:34:49,851 --> 01:34:51,951
He needs to go free.
1955
01:34:52,386 --> 01:34:54,755
Just like Doby.
1956
01:34:54,756 --> 01:34:56,824
He'll be back. He promised.
1957
01:34:58,827 --> 01:35:01,829
Could you please
call me a damn cab? I'm blind!
1958
01:35:01,830 --> 01:35:02,730
Of course!
1959
01:35:02,731 --> 01:35:07,435
Ron, the operation was a success.
1960
01:35:07,436 --> 01:35:10,336
But we won't know for sure
until we remove the bandages.
1961
01:35:16,210 --> 01:35:17,544
Well?
1962
01:35:17,945 --> 01:35:19,078
Yes.
1963
01:35:19,780 --> 01:35:21,347
I can see.
1964
01:35:25,454 --> 01:35:28,923
Oh, God, oh, God.
It's Ron Burgundy, everyone!
1965
01:35:28,924 --> 01:35:30,725
You are my inspiration.
1966
01:35:30,726 --> 01:35:32,225
Oh, well, thank you.
1967
01:35:33,494 --> 01:35:34,962
Welcome back, Ron.
1968
01:35:34,963 --> 01:35:36,329
Thanks. Thanks, Bri-man.
1969
01:35:37,031 --> 01:35:38,198
Good luck in Vietnam.
1970
01:35:38,933 --> 01:35:40,735
Brick.
1971
01:35:40,736 --> 01:35:43,504
Brick and I are having a baby! We're
gonna name him Tortilla Jackson.
1972
01:35:43,505 --> 01:35:46,774
- All right. I'm 22 months pregnant.
- Well, get over here, you bastard.
1973
01:35:46,775 --> 01:35:48,509
Got you a drink,
Ron. Come on.
1974
01:35:48,510 --> 01:35:52,278
Uh, hold on to that drink.
I just want to grab some air.
1975
01:36:04,358 --> 01:36:05,892
How you doing there?
1976
01:36:06,794 --> 01:36:08,262
Oh.
1977
01:36:08,263 --> 01:36:10,630
I'm fine. Just, uh...
1978
01:36:11,899 --> 01:36:14,034
Just a lot of people in there.
1979
01:36:14,035 --> 01:36:17,805
Listen, Ron, I'm sorry that
I never called or visited.
1980
01:36:17,806 --> 01:36:21,208
There's no need to explain.
But, listen, I mean, you're back.
1981
01:36:21,209 --> 01:36:22,149
Hello, Ron.
1982
01:36:23,544 --> 01:36:25,346
What are you doing here?
1983
01:36:25,347 --> 01:36:28,448
I had to come tell you
something very important.
1984
01:36:30,217 --> 01:36:31,819
You must be Linda Jackson.
1985
01:36:31,820 --> 01:36:33,354
You must be Veronica.
1986
01:36:33,355 --> 01:36:35,122
Yes, I am.
It's a pleasure.
1987
01:36:35,123 --> 01:36:36,924
This is a touching moment for me.
1988
01:36:36,925 --> 01:36:38,959
Please, don't take this
the wrong way,
1989
01:36:38,960 --> 01:36:41,362
but if you touch Ron again,
1990
01:36:41,363 --> 01:36:44,031
I will shoot you in the
cooch with a B.B. gun.
1991
01:36:44,032 --> 01:36:46,567
Oh! Well, you can
talk big all you want,
1992
01:36:46,568 --> 01:36:49,203
but guess what, this
kitten's got claws, bitch.
1993
01:36:49,204 --> 01:36:51,105
Don't mess with me, Linda,
1994
01:36:51,106 --> 01:36:54,108
because this "White Thunder"
rolls deep and it rolls nasty.
1995
01:36:54,109 --> 01:36:55,910
I was feeling a little bit down,
1996
01:36:55,911 --> 01:36:58,145
but this is definitely
picking up my mood.
1997
01:36:58,146 --> 01:37:00,481
Well, I guess I'll
leave you two alone.
1998
01:37:00,482 --> 01:37:03,250
And it's been an absolute
pleasure, Ms. Corningstone.
1999
01:37:03,251 --> 01:37:04,485
This has been great.
2000
01:37:04,486 --> 01:37:06,220
Do you guys want
to kiss real quick?
2001
01:37:06,221 --> 01:37:08,389
Ron. Read the room.
2002
01:37:08,390 --> 01:37:09,589
I'll take that as a no.
2003
01:37:10,391 --> 01:37:13,127
Bye, Linda.
2004
01:37:13,128 --> 01:37:15,563
I know why you haven't
been returning my messages.
2005
01:37:15,564 --> 01:37:19,600
I wasn't calling for me, I was calling
because Walter has a piano recital
2006
01:37:19,601 --> 01:37:22,403
in half an hour at the Tishman
School on 65th Street.
2007
01:37:22,404 --> 01:37:24,537
And he wrote
a piece for you, Ron.
2008
01:37:24,972 --> 01:37:27,208
Aw, Walter.
2009
01:37:27,209 --> 01:37:30,311
It would mean the absolute world
to him to have you there.
2010
01:37:30,312 --> 01:37:33,046
Ron, I just got a call from the
control room! Oh, big fan.
2011
01:37:34,215 --> 01:37:37,484
Actress Sheila Blackledge,
the mom from the hit sitcom
2012
01:37:37,485 --> 01:37:39,854
Four's a Family, Five's a Crowd,
2013
01:37:39,855 --> 01:37:42,323
she just found out
her husband cheated on her
2014
01:37:42,324 --> 01:37:45,025
and she severed his penis
while he slept!
2015
01:37:45,026 --> 01:37:46,460
Oh, my goodness.
2016
01:37:46,461 --> 01:37:50,231
The police arrived.
She fled in her white Bronco,
2017
01:37:50,232 --> 01:37:53,634
and now they're engaged
in a high-speed car chase!
2018
01:37:53,635 --> 01:37:55,970
We've got an exclusive
on the live feed,
2019
01:37:55,971 --> 01:37:57,938
but we've got to go, right now!
2020
01:37:57,939 --> 01:38:01,375
Ron, this can be your comeback.
2021
01:38:01,376 --> 01:38:03,710
Veronica, I...
No, Ron. No.
2022
01:38:04,645 --> 01:38:07,248
That will get
sky-high ratings.
2023
01:38:07,249 --> 01:38:10,216
Walter will understand.
Walter will understand.
2024
01:38:10,284 --> 01:38:11,451
Go.
2025
01:38:12,453 --> 01:38:14,121
Come on, Ron.
Priorities!
2026
01:38:14,122 --> 01:38:15,755
Veronica!
Come on!
2027
01:38:18,325 --> 01:38:21,328
Can you hear me?
Yes, yes, you're coming in loud and clear.
2028
01:38:21,329 --> 01:38:22,930
You're back
and you get this story.
2029
01:38:22,931 --> 01:38:24,965
This is gonna be huge.
Right.
2030
01:38:24,966 --> 01:38:26,500
So, is it good to be back home?
2031
01:38:26,501 --> 01:38:28,469
Um, yeah, I feel good.
2032
01:38:28,470 --> 01:38:30,731
God, look at him.
Like a beacon in the night!
2033
01:38:31,138 --> 01:38:32,573
My golden goose.
2034
01:38:32,574 --> 01:38:34,375
All right, baby.
2035
01:38:34,376 --> 01:38:35,409
So I'm just gonna be
giving you the details.
2036
01:38:35,410 --> 01:38:37,211
Five, four,
2037
01:38:37,212 --> 01:38:40,080
three, two...
2038
01:38:40,081 --> 01:38:43,517
Good evening, America.
After some time off,
2039
01:38:43,518 --> 01:38:47,187
it's good to be back with you.
I'm Ron Burgundy.
2040
01:38:47,188 --> 01:38:50,491
We have a story tonight
involving an affair,
2041
01:38:50,492 --> 01:38:54,995
a cut-off penis,
a TV star and a car chase.
2042
01:38:54,996 --> 01:38:56,096
And throw it to the feed.
2043
01:38:58,332 --> 01:38:59,599
The only problem is...
2044
01:39:01,435 --> 01:39:03,136
What's he doing?
Ron, are you okay?
2045
01:39:04,004 --> 01:39:05,372
It's not news.
What?
2046
01:39:05,373 --> 01:39:06,672
Turn off the prompter.
2047
01:39:06,673 --> 01:39:09,343
Ron, this is Kench. What the hell
do you think you're doing, mate?
2048
01:39:09,344 --> 01:39:10,945
Just read what's in front of you,
2049
01:39:10,946 --> 01:39:13,314
or I will ruin you! Don't!
2050
01:39:13,315 --> 01:39:15,114
Don't! You leave
Kench inside your head!
2051
01:39:16,317 --> 01:39:19,253
God damn it!
He took out his earpiece.
2052
01:39:19,254 --> 01:39:21,421
You see, folks, I've read
a lot of news in my day,
2053
01:39:22,990 --> 01:39:26,359
but it's...
It's taken me until now
2054
01:39:27,328 --> 01:39:30,331
to realize what real news is.
2055
01:39:30,332 --> 01:39:33,300
Real news is supposed
to let people know
2056
01:39:33,301 --> 01:39:37,538
what the powerful are up to, so that,
that power doesn't become corrupt.
2057
01:39:37,539 --> 01:39:39,540
But what happens when
the powerful own the news?
2058
01:39:39,541 --> 01:39:42,142
Ugh! You piece of shit!
2059
01:39:42,143 --> 01:39:44,511
Shit. He's blowing
the whole thing up.
2060
01:39:44,512 --> 01:39:47,514
Recently, I've been on a
bit of a personal journey.
2061
01:39:47,515 --> 01:39:51,284
I made love to a proud,
intelligent black woman.
2062
01:39:52,519 --> 01:39:55,055
I became blind.
2063
01:39:55,056 --> 01:39:57,658
I bottle-fed
and raised a shark.
2064
01:39:57,659 --> 01:40:01,061
And I smoked
a fair amount of crack.
2065
01:40:01,062 --> 01:40:03,082
But the most important thing
I've learned is that
2066
01:40:03,263 --> 01:40:06,233
there was an emptiness left
2067
01:40:06,234 --> 01:40:09,334
after turning my back on three of the
best friends anyone could ever ask for.
2068
01:40:09,603 --> 01:40:11,171
Hi, Ron!
2069
01:40:11,172 --> 01:40:13,207
So, if you'll excuse me,
2070
01:40:13,208 --> 01:40:15,576
I'm going to see
my child's recital
2071
01:40:15,577 --> 01:40:19,178
and tell the woman I love
that I still love her.
2072
01:40:20,547 --> 01:40:23,416
Good night, America,
and never forget,
2073
01:40:24,318 --> 01:40:25,585
you deserve the truth.
2074
01:40:30,024 --> 01:40:33,560
Good. He's dead, done. Linda, get
the skirt in, the blonde. Anyone!
2075
01:40:33,561 --> 01:40:35,362
He's coming back!
2076
01:40:35,363 --> 01:40:37,431
Oh, also, one other thing.
2077
01:40:37,432 --> 01:40:40,534
Koala Airlines is a
really shitty airline.
2078
01:40:40,535 --> 01:40:43,302
You son of a bitch!
You son of a bitch!
2079
01:40:47,641 --> 01:40:49,576
Guys, I'm sorry.
2080
01:40:49,577 --> 01:40:52,813
For a while there, I don't know
what became of Ron Burgundy.
2081
01:40:52,814 --> 01:40:55,181
Brick, I'm sorry I yelled at you.
2082
01:40:56,050 --> 01:40:57,551
Brian, I...
2083
01:40:57,552 --> 01:40:59,720
No reason why I killed
that story of yours.
2084
01:40:59,721 --> 01:41:01,722
It was excellent reporting.
2085
01:41:01,723 --> 01:41:05,159
And, Champ, I'm sorry
I said no to all those
2086
01:41:05,160 --> 01:41:08,594
offers for late-night
deep-tissue rubdowns.
2087
01:41:10,397 --> 01:41:12,533
Ron, you're a good man.
2088
01:41:12,534 --> 01:41:15,736
But you have fallen victim to
your own ego and your own hubris.
2089
01:41:15,737 --> 01:41:17,805
And before others
can forgive you,
2090
01:41:17,806 --> 01:41:19,267
you must learn
to forgive yourself.
2091
01:41:22,643 --> 01:41:24,445
What was that, Brick?
2092
01:41:24,446 --> 01:41:25,786
I'm wearing two pairs of pants.
2093
01:41:27,381 --> 01:41:28,649
Thank you.
2094
01:41:28,650 --> 01:41:30,517
So that's it, huh?
2095
01:41:30,518 --> 01:41:32,820
You're sorry?
2096
01:41:32,821 --> 01:41:35,823
You know what, Burgundy?
Apologies are like assholes.
2097
01:41:35,824 --> 01:41:37,724
Everyone's got one
2098
01:41:37,725 --> 01:41:40,506
and everyone's got a shoebox full
of Polaroids of them under the bed.
2099
01:41:41,295 --> 01:41:42,830
Ron, we're a team.
2100
01:41:42,831 --> 01:41:44,331
We need you.
2101
01:41:44,332 --> 01:41:45,731
Let him go, Champ.
2102
01:41:51,138 --> 01:41:52,338
Ron!
2103
01:41:53,207 --> 01:41:55,908
Long live Ron Burgundy!
2104
01:42:04,651 --> 01:42:07,220
I'm Brick Tamland for GNN News.
2105
01:42:08,355 --> 01:42:11,792
The itsy bitsy spider
went up the water spout.
2106
01:42:11,793 --> 01:42:14,361
You little hack!
2107
01:42:14,362 --> 01:42:17,431
Huh? Who the hell do you think you are?
After everything I've done for you,
2108
01:42:17,432 --> 01:42:19,366
this is how you repay me?
Well, I will crush you!
2109
01:42:22,302 --> 01:42:24,204
Once again, Mr. Burgundy,
2110
01:42:24,205 --> 01:42:26,473
you are the ballsiest
white man I've ever known.
2111
01:42:26,474 --> 01:42:27,940
What the hell?
2112
01:42:29,143 --> 01:42:30,910
One more for old times' sake.
2113
01:42:37,284 --> 01:42:38,485
Thank you.
2114
01:42:38,486 --> 01:42:40,721
Is Dad going to come?
2115
01:42:40,722 --> 01:42:42,656
No, sweetheart,
Daddy has to work.
2116
01:42:42,657 --> 01:42:44,791
He's going to come.
I know it.
2117
01:42:44,792 --> 01:42:45,992
Taxi!
2118
01:42:46,793 --> 01:42:48,862
Taxi! Taxi!
2119
01:42:48,863 --> 01:42:50,631
Damn it!
2120
01:42:50,632 --> 01:42:52,299
It's so hard for a proud Mexican
2121
01:42:52,300 --> 01:42:53,733
to get a taxi in this city!
2122
01:42:54,468 --> 01:42:56,703
I need to see my son!
2123
01:42:56,704 --> 01:43:00,741
And now, to play an original composition
that he wrote for his father,
2124
01:43:00,742 --> 01:43:03,777
here is seven-year-old
Walter Burgundy.
2125
01:43:12,553 --> 01:43:14,553
I made a promise!
I made a promise to my son!
2126
01:43:18,358 --> 01:43:19,358
What the hell?
2127
01:43:19,826 --> 01:43:21,460
Well, hello, Ron.
2128
01:43:21,895 --> 01:43:23,363
You out for a jog?
2129
01:43:23,364 --> 01:43:24,630
Jack Lime!
2130
01:43:25,899 --> 01:43:27,601
Where's everyone going?
2131
01:43:27,602 --> 01:43:29,436
Please. I don't have
time to talk, okay?
2132
01:43:29,437 --> 01:43:30,871
I have to be somewhere.
2133
01:43:30,872 --> 01:43:32,773
Well, that's funny.
'Cause I got nowhere to be
2134
01:43:33,507 --> 01:43:35,374
because you pretty much
destroyed my career.
2135
01:43:36,310 --> 01:43:37,811
Do you realize what it did to me,
2136
01:43:37,812 --> 01:43:39,578
by making me
call myself Jack Lame?
2137
01:43:40,681 --> 01:43:42,515
It was a living hell!
2138
01:43:45,552 --> 01:43:48,655
I'm telling you,
you have to let me go!
2139
01:43:48,656 --> 01:43:50,323
Oh, don't worry.
Four against one.
2140
01:43:50,924 --> 01:43:52,358
This will be over fast.
2141
01:43:53,327 --> 01:43:54,827
Maybe not so fast!
2142
01:43:58,565 --> 01:44:00,599
My news team. Thank God!
2143
01:44:02,669 --> 01:44:04,738
Ain't a day that will be
or has been
2144
01:44:04,739 --> 01:44:07,608
that we don't have
Ron Burgundy's back.
2145
01:44:07,609 --> 01:44:09,443
Not a problem.
When I'm done with these mutts,
2146
01:44:09,444 --> 01:44:10,844
I'm gonna wipe my shoes
on the curb.
2147
01:44:10,845 --> 01:44:12,478
Oh, yeah, Jack Lime?
2148
01:44:12,846 --> 01:44:14,848
When I'm done with you,
2149
01:44:14,849 --> 01:44:17,651
my mom's going to pick
me up and take me home.
2150
01:44:17,652 --> 01:44:18,632
Wait!
2151
01:44:22,456 --> 01:44:24,324
Here's a headline for you.
2152
01:44:24,325 --> 01:44:26,994
"Moronic Yank Wankerman
2153
01:44:26,995 --> 01:44:30,530
"Gets a Bloody Good Hiding
From News Reader
2154
01:44:30,531 --> 01:44:32,899
"From a Superior Country."
2155
01:44:32,900 --> 01:44:36,503
For we are the BBC News Service.
2156
01:44:38,372 --> 01:44:39,973
No. Not now.
2157
01:44:39,974 --> 01:44:41,807
Fall back, fall back.
2158
01:44:45,479 --> 01:44:46,847
If y'all are gonna get down,
2159
01:44:46,848 --> 01:44:49,483
then Wesley Jackson and
the MTV News crew want in.
2160
01:44:49,484 --> 01:44:50,916
What's MTV?
2161
01:44:51,852 --> 01:44:53,687
I think it's a venereal disease.
2162
01:44:53,688 --> 01:44:55,722
The most requested
video of the day?
2163
01:44:55,723 --> 01:44:58,558
A new band called Burgundy's
Sucking Chest Wound.
2164
01:45:04,965 --> 01:45:06,900
It wouldn't be a battle
without Jill Janson.
2165
01:45:06,901 --> 01:45:09,469
And Wendy Van Peele
from Entertainment News.
2166
01:45:09,470 --> 01:45:11,972
Entertainment news
is an abomination!
2167
01:45:11,973 --> 01:45:14,741
Who are you wearing today?
Oh, look, it's your own blood!
2168
01:45:14,742 --> 01:45:16,510
Today's celebrity birthdays...
None.
2169
01:45:16,511 --> 01:45:17,744
Today's celebrity deaths...
2170
01:45:17,745 --> 01:45:19,111
All you dick-licks.
2171
01:45:21,782 --> 01:45:23,417
I like the way
they're put together.
2172
01:45:23,418 --> 01:45:25,018
I like fighting girls.
2173
01:45:25,019 --> 01:45:26,853
I like to cunt punt cowboys.
2174
01:45:26,854 --> 01:45:28,622
You eat pussy?
You're gonna.
2175
01:45:28,623 --> 01:45:31,091
Hey!
2176
01:45:31,092 --> 01:45:34,594
There's not gonna be any
fight without Scott Riles
2177
01:45:34,595 --> 01:45:36,797
and the incredibly polite
Canadian News team.
2178
01:45:38,700 --> 01:45:41,068
What about the
French-speaking Quebec News?
2179
01:45:41,069 --> 01:45:42,736
The real voice of Canada!
2180
01:45:42,737 --> 01:45:43,970
Give it a rest, eh?
2181
01:45:43,971 --> 01:45:46,606
Give me a break!
They can't have news.
2182
01:45:46,607 --> 01:45:48,075
Nothing happens in Canada!
2183
01:45:48,076 --> 01:45:51,284
We're gonna mop the floor with you!
We're gonna put the boots to you!
2184
01:45:51,410 --> 01:45:52,512
Sorry.
Sorry.
2185
01:45:52,513 --> 01:45:55,482
We're gonna gouge your eyes
out! And kick your head in!
2186
01:45:55,483 --> 01:45:56,917
Sorry!
2187
01:45:56,918 --> 01:45:58,517
I like your ginger ale!
2188
01:46:02,689 --> 01:46:05,092
Jeff Bullington, ESPN, all sports.
2189
01:46:05,093 --> 01:46:07,694
Tonight's play of the day is me,
2190
01:46:07,695 --> 01:46:09,763
extracting your spine
from your dead body.
2191
01:46:09,764 --> 01:46:11,898
Holy shit, there's a lot of news!
2192
01:46:11,899 --> 01:46:14,668
It's true, the market
is becoming saturated.
2193
01:46:14,669 --> 01:46:17,938
Hey. The History Network wants
in on this. We're news, too.
2194
01:46:17,939 --> 01:46:20,774
Only news told much, much later.
2195
01:46:22,677 --> 01:46:25,746
Wait a minute. Is that the ghost
of Stonewall Jackson with you?
2196
01:46:25,747 --> 01:46:28,048
Yes, it is.
And the mighty Minotaur.
2197
01:46:29,650 --> 01:46:31,017
I don't know about this, man.
2198
01:46:31,018 --> 01:46:33,019
The Minotaur isn't even history!
2199
01:46:33,020 --> 01:46:35,756
He's mythology!
2200
01:46:35,757 --> 01:46:37,758
Let's not downplay the fact
2201
01:46:37,759 --> 01:46:40,727
that that's the ghost
of Stonewall Jackson!
2202
01:46:40,728 --> 01:46:45,031
May the Lord anoint
this hallowed field of battle.
2203
01:46:45,032 --> 01:46:48,168
You guys got room in this
battle for an old war horse?
2204
01:46:48,169 --> 01:46:50,103
Mack Tannen!
What are you doing here?
2205
01:46:50,104 --> 01:46:51,705
You're too old for this.
2206
01:46:51,706 --> 01:46:54,007
Well, you see, there's the thing.
2207
01:46:54,008 --> 01:46:57,077
When there's an early moon,
2208
01:46:57,078 --> 01:47:00,414
I almost feel
like a stallion again!
2209
01:47:00,415 --> 01:47:01,675
He's on our side, right, Ron?
2210
01:47:09,823 --> 01:47:11,090
He's a were-hyena!
2211
01:47:13,026 --> 01:47:15,162
I'm-a call Michael Jackson.
I got a video idea.
2212
01:47:15,163 --> 01:47:17,096
All right, everyone, listen up!
2213
01:47:20,934 --> 01:47:24,104
By virtue of being
on this battlefield,
2214
01:47:24,105 --> 01:47:25,804
there is no return.
2215
01:47:27,073 --> 01:47:28,607
People will die.
2216
01:47:29,042 --> 01:47:30,544
I'm so horny right now.
2217
01:47:30,545 --> 01:47:32,679
Some will be disfigured.
2218
01:47:32,680 --> 01:47:36,649
In some cases, lasting
friendships will be made.
2219
01:47:37,484 --> 01:47:39,119
And as usual,
2220
01:47:39,120 --> 01:47:42,189
no touching of the hair and face.
2221
01:47:42,190 --> 01:47:44,191
Come on.
What do we look like, rookies?
2222
01:47:44,192 --> 01:47:45,659
Sorry.
2223
01:47:45,660 --> 01:47:47,861
When El Trousias,
2224
01:47:47,862 --> 01:47:51,198
maiden of the clouds,
blows the battle horn,
2225
01:47:51,199 --> 01:47:53,600
let the battle begin!
2226
01:47:53,601 --> 01:47:55,834
I am El Trousias!
2227
01:47:57,804 --> 01:47:59,905
Hear my siren song!
2228
01:48:04,479 --> 01:48:06,178
El Trousias...
The Juicies'. Hmm.
2229
01:48:11,551 --> 01:48:12,785
That means you can start.
2230
01:48:14,488 --> 01:48:16,221
Brick, what the hell is that?
2231
01:48:17,257 --> 01:48:18,925
It's a gun from the future.
2232
01:48:18,926 --> 01:48:21,061
No fair! He's got
a gun from the future!
2233
01:48:21,062 --> 01:48:24,363
Where did you get it from?
2234
01:48:38,144 --> 01:48:41,680
In the name of the King,
the Queen and St. George.
2235
01:48:44,684 --> 01:48:45,919
Huzzah!
2236
01:49:18,652 --> 01:49:20,053
Guess you didn't see that coming.
2237
01:49:20,054 --> 01:49:21,654
Twenty degrees right.
2238
01:49:22,556 --> 01:49:24,090
Fill that gap!
2239
01:49:24,091 --> 01:49:28,427
Fall upon your swords! Life
has no meaning!
2240
01:49:30,864 --> 01:49:34,033
There will be a mint julep
waiting on the other side, son.
2241
01:49:35,802 --> 01:49:37,436
Release your soul to me.
2242
01:49:55,989 --> 01:49:57,322
Sorry!
2243
01:49:58,124 --> 01:49:59,424
Sorry! Sorry!
2244
01:50:00,594 --> 01:50:02,055
Sex Panther powers activate.
2245
01:50:25,652 --> 01:50:27,754
It's the ghost of
Stonewall Jackson!
2246
01:50:27,755 --> 01:50:30,022
Everyone, it's the ghost
of Stonewall Jackson!
2247
01:50:30,724 --> 01:50:33,159
Why do we have to fight?
2248
01:50:33,160 --> 01:50:34,780
There's so much
I could learn from you.
2249
01:50:43,103 --> 01:50:45,672
In the name
of Margaret Thatcher...
2250
01:50:45,673 --> 01:50:47,340
No!
I sentence you to death!
2251
01:50:47,341 --> 01:50:48,974
Please, no!
2252
01:50:49,776 --> 01:50:50,843
Oh!
2253
01:50:52,912 --> 01:50:54,413
What in the name of Dan Issel?
2254
01:50:56,850 --> 01:50:58,051
Gary!
2255
01:50:58,052 --> 01:50:59,318
Yes, Ron.
2256
01:51:00,920 --> 01:51:03,123
You and I never got along.
2257
01:51:03,124 --> 01:51:04,824
But using the power of my mind,
2258
01:51:04,825 --> 01:51:07,926
I was able to see in the
future that you would do good.
2259
01:51:09,295 --> 01:51:10,830
- Now, go.
- I knew it!
2260
01:51:10,831 --> 01:51:12,332
Go to your son's recital.
2261
01:51:12,333 --> 01:51:14,300
I knew you had mind powers!
2262
01:51:14,301 --> 01:51:16,736
And make it the greatest
day of your life!
2263
01:51:16,737 --> 01:51:18,905
Almighty, Almighty,
light the fuse on my call.
2264
01:51:18,906 --> 01:51:20,874
Thirty-niner-niner-14,
cook these fools.
2265
01:51:20,875 --> 01:51:22,056
I repeat, cook these fools.
2266
01:51:33,787 --> 01:51:35,722
We've got to get out of here.
There's too much news!
2267
01:51:35,723 --> 01:51:37,390
Man, what a rush!
2268
01:51:37,391 --> 01:51:39,192
The monster's my friend!
2269
01:51:39,193 --> 01:51:40,959
Ron, we can still
make your kid's recital!
2270
01:51:42,362 --> 01:51:44,964
Hey, Ronny.
2271
01:51:44,965 --> 01:51:47,767
Jack Lime, please, I just want
to get to my son's recital.
2272
01:51:47,768 --> 01:51:49,369
No! That is
out of the question!
2273
01:51:49,370 --> 01:51:50,804
We're outnumbered, Ron.
2274
01:51:50,805 --> 01:51:52,266
Foam the runway,
I'm coming in hot!
2275
01:52:04,718 --> 01:52:08,188
♪ Old MacDonald had a farm
2276
01:52:08,189 --> 01:52:10,890
And then four guys
on bikes showed up.
2277
01:52:10,891 --> 01:52:14,060
Wes Mantooth and the
Channel Nine news team!
2278
01:52:14,061 --> 01:52:15,228
Hey, what the hell
are you guys doing here?
2279
01:52:15,229 --> 01:52:16,963
This is a national news fight.
2280
01:52:16,964 --> 01:52:18,530
You made one mistake today.
2281
01:52:19,399 --> 01:52:21,133
You messed with somebody
from San Diego.
2282
01:52:21,935 --> 01:52:25,305
It's actually
pronounced San Diago.
2283
01:52:25,306 --> 01:52:27,406
Hell, Ron and I
may not agree on everything,
2284
01:52:28,475 --> 01:52:31,755
but we share the bond of being from the
greatest city in the history of this Earth.
2285
01:52:33,347 --> 01:52:35,482
Well, ain't that cute?
2286
01:52:35,483 --> 01:52:37,917
But you're outnumbered
three-to-one.
2287
01:52:37,918 --> 01:52:41,019
Why don't you go back to your mama?
Don't you use my mom's name in vain.
2288
01:52:42,222 --> 01:52:44,524
Dorothy Mantooth was
a hard-working single woman
2289
01:52:44,525 --> 01:52:46,760
who raised
seven children on her own
2290
01:52:46,761 --> 01:52:49,162
and she remained sexually
active till the day she died.
2291
01:52:49,163 --> 01:52:51,129
She brought pole dancing
into the mainstream.
2292
01:52:52,232 --> 01:52:55,135
Now here's the thing.
While I've been talking,
2293
01:52:55,136 --> 01:52:58,136
my news team has emptied
their gas tanks at your feet.
2294
01:53:01,508 --> 01:53:04,344
I drop this smoke and
every one of you goes "poof."
2295
01:53:04,345 --> 01:53:06,513
Well, you forgot
one thing, leatherman.
2296
01:53:06,514 --> 01:53:08,014
You drop that smoke,
you die, too.
2297
01:53:12,085 --> 01:53:13,625
With the things
I've done in my life,
2298
01:53:14,854 --> 01:53:16,455
oh, I know I'm going
to burn in hell.
2299
01:53:18,091 --> 01:53:20,259
So I sure as shit ain't
afraid to burn here on Earth.
2300
01:53:20,560 --> 01:53:22,896
Oh, my goodness!
2301
01:53:22,897 --> 01:53:24,798
That's the most badass
thing I have ever heard.
2302
01:53:25,231 --> 01:53:26,465
All right!
2303
01:53:28,134 --> 01:53:30,169
Looks like this fight's over.
2304
01:53:31,070 --> 01:53:32,237
Let's go, boys.
2305
01:53:33,540 --> 01:53:36,376
Yay! We won!
Let's celebrate!
2306
01:53:36,377 --> 01:53:38,278
Sparklers!
2307
01:53:38,279 --> 01:53:40,445
- No, no, no, no, Brick!
- No!
2308
01:54:04,504 --> 01:54:06,638
Bravo! Bravo.
Yeah. Whoo!
2309
01:54:08,942 --> 01:54:10,510
Dad!
2310
01:54:10,511 --> 01:54:12,511
Son, I fought
a Minotaur to be here.
2311
01:54:13,279 --> 01:54:14,981
And I'd do it again.
2312
01:54:14,982 --> 01:54:19,252
Dad! Together
we can defeat voodoo!
2313
01:54:19,253 --> 01:54:21,855
Ron had finally
learned how to love his son
2314
01:54:21,856 --> 01:54:24,122
and his wife
more than his career.
2315
01:54:25,458 --> 01:54:28,628
And as it turned out,
his walking off the news
2316
01:54:28,629 --> 01:54:31,463
was the highest-rated
TV event of the year.
2317
01:54:32,599 --> 01:54:35,201
He and his news team,
along with Veronica,
2318
01:54:35,202 --> 01:54:38,638
could have any job they wanted.
2319
01:54:38,639 --> 01:54:42,007
But before that, they had one
little thing to take care of.
2320
01:54:44,978 --> 01:54:49,249
And now, before I join this
couple in holy matrimony,
2321
01:54:49,250 --> 01:54:51,517
Brick and Chani
ask us to join them
2322
01:54:51,518 --> 01:54:53,285
as they exchange their vows.
2323
01:54:54,354 --> 01:54:56,055
My dearest Brick.
2324
01:54:56,056 --> 01:54:57,756
Everything I have is yours.
2325
01:54:58,658 --> 01:55:01,093
My four lawnmowers.
My sister.
2326
01:55:02,462 --> 01:55:06,466
My 35 ferrets. My massive student
loan and real estate debt.
2327
01:55:06,467 --> 01:55:07,566
It's all yours.
2328
01:55:09,502 --> 01:55:11,471
Oh, Chani.
2329
01:55:11,472 --> 01:55:14,974
I will never forget
the exact moment I saw you.
2330
01:55:14,975 --> 01:55:18,978
My pee-pee got all uncomfortable
in my pants, and I thought,
2331
01:55:18,979 --> 01:55:21,599
"Here comes the warm milkshake out
of the tip of my belly stick."
2332
01:55:25,184 --> 01:55:27,520
Wait! Look!
2333
01:55:27,521 --> 01:55:29,422
Walter, Walter, honey, shh!
2334
01:55:29,423 --> 01:55:31,289
Look in the water!
2335
01:55:31,691 --> 01:55:34,093
It's Doby!
2336
01:55:34,094 --> 01:55:35,361
Oh, my God.
2337
01:55:35,362 --> 01:55:38,598
It's Doby! Doby!
2338
01:55:38,599 --> 01:55:40,532
Ron, what are you doing?
He's not your friend!
2339
01:55:40,700 --> 01:55:42,167
Doby!
2340
01:55:42,702 --> 01:55:44,736
Ron! That's a shark!
2341
01:55:45,371 --> 01:55:47,305
He will eat you!
2342
01:55:48,107 --> 01:55:50,675
♪ Old friends
2343
01:55:52,478 --> 01:55:54,047
♪ Old friends
2344
01:55:54,048 --> 01:55:55,414
Doby!
2345
01:55:56,582 --> 01:56:00,352
♪ Sat on their park bench
like bookends ♪
2346
01:56:01,120 --> 01:56:02,622
Oh, my God!
2347
01:56:02,623 --> 01:56:04,089
The shark actually
recognizes him!
2348
01:56:06,560 --> 01:56:08,300
Nope. He's
viciously attacking him.
2349
01:56:09,128 --> 01:56:12,465
Doby! Doby, it's me! Ron!
2350
01:56:12,466 --> 01:56:14,701
If a man dies
with love in his heart,
2351
01:56:14,702 --> 01:56:16,669
does he truly die?
2352
01:56:16,670 --> 01:56:18,438
Absolutely!
2353
01:56:18,439 --> 01:56:21,140
But on this day,
Ron Burgundy's grapple
2354
01:56:21,141 --> 01:56:23,242
with this denizen from the deep
2355
01:56:23,243 --> 01:56:26,512
was halted by 28 pounds
of furry providence.
2356
01:56:31,451 --> 01:56:32,517
I bottle-fed you!
2357
01:56:35,588 --> 01:56:36,655
Baxter!
2358
01:56:43,763 --> 01:56:45,130
Baxter!
2359
01:56:45,765 --> 01:56:49,469
Baxter! Ah, yes!
2360
01:56:52,472 --> 01:56:56,541
I know, I know, I love you, too.
2361
01:56:58,612 --> 01:57:00,278
Oh. Come on.
2362
02:02:28,574 --> 02:02:29,841
All right, let's do it.
2363
02:02:31,944 --> 02:02:33,612
You guys think...
2364
02:02:33,613 --> 02:02:35,681
I don't know
how to use a computer.
2365
02:02:35,682 --> 02:02:38,351
Hey, fellas. I just saw
Jack Lime out there.
2366
02:02:38,352 --> 02:02:40,452
He's a goddamn iceman.
2367
02:02:40,953 --> 02:02:42,687
Scared the crap out of me.