1 00:00:28,132 --> 00:00:31,343 ANNOUNCER: In 1991, she became the first female 2 00:00:31,510 --> 00:00:33,238 late-night talk-show host on a major network. 3 00:00:33,262 --> 00:00:34,942 ANNOUNCER 2: Tonight with Katherine Newbury 4 00:00:35,014 --> 00:00:36,515 is the gold standard... 5 00:00:36,682 --> 00:00:39,059 ANNOUNCER 3: She has hosted over 6,000 episodes, 6 00:00:39,226 --> 00:00:40,978 winning 43 Primetime Emmy Awards... 7 00:00:41,145 --> 00:00:42,354 ANNOUNCER 4: She's brilliant. 8 00:00:42,521 --> 00:00:44,190 She is excellence without compromise. 9 00:00:44,356 --> 00:00:45,667 ANNOUNCER 5: Ladies and gentlemen, 10 00:00:45,691 --> 00:00:46,901 please welcome to the stage 11 00:00:47,067 --> 00:00:48,986 - this year's recipient... - Three, two. 12 00:00:49,153 --> 00:00:51,238 ...of the American Humor Award, 13 00:00:51,405 --> 00:00:55,075 - Katherine Newbury. - (Cheering and applause) 14 00:00:55,242 --> 00:00:56,786 KATHERINE: Thank you so much 15 00:00:56,952 --> 00:00:59,705 for this incredible honor, although I do have to say 16 00:00:59,872 --> 00:01:02,333 I think America is in a tough spot if it's giving 17 00:01:02,500 --> 00:01:04,781 this amazing award for American comedy to an Englishwoman. 18 00:01:04,919 --> 00:01:06,354 - (Laughter) - I guess they're right-- 19 00:01:06,378 --> 00:01:07,838 foreigners are taking all your jobs. 20 00:01:08,005 --> 00:01:09,507 I mean, what happened? 21 00:01:09,673 --> 00:01:12,426 Is there no one funny left in the country? 22 00:01:12,593 --> 00:01:13,719 Is Martin Short dead? 23 00:01:13,886 --> 00:01:15,012 What about Jerry Seinfeld? 24 00:01:15,179 --> 00:01:16,806 Or how about Alec Baldwin? 25 00:01:16,972 --> 00:01:18,265 I mean, come on. 26 00:01:18,432 --> 00:01:20,351 Did someone blow up the Hamptons? 27 00:01:20,518 --> 00:01:22,645 Whatever the reason, I'm assuming I'm here because, 28 00:01:22,812 --> 00:01:27,024 28 years ago, you gave me the greatest honor of my life. 29 00:01:27,191 --> 00:01:28,901 You made me the host 30 00:01:29,068 --> 00:01:31,737 of Tonight with Katherine Newbury. 31 00:01:31,904 --> 00:01:33,948 (Cheering and applause) 32 00:01:37,868 --> 00:01:39,870 Oh, God. (Groans) 33 00:01:40,037 --> 00:01:42,456 I have hated many pairs of shoes in my time, 34 00:01:42,623 --> 00:01:44,542 but none more than these. 35 00:01:44,708 --> 00:01:47,169 And everything hurts. I'm in hell. How are you? 36 00:01:47,336 --> 00:01:49,129 - I liked your speech. - But you have notes. 37 00:01:49,296 --> 00:01:51,048 - I know you have notes. - My only note is 38 00:01:51,215 --> 00:01:53,496 - to drink as much as you want. - I ran into Steve Martin. 39 00:01:53,634 --> 00:01:55,469 - He sends his love. - He sends his love? 40 00:01:55,636 --> 00:01:58,681 Jesus Christ. How sick do people think I am? 41 00:01:58,848 --> 00:02:00,516 Oh, please don't die before I get home. 42 00:02:00,683 --> 00:02:03,102 I haven't got the strength to organize your funeral. 43 00:02:03,269 --> 00:02:06,105 - (Chuckles) Go party. - Are you kidding? 44 00:02:06,272 --> 00:02:08,607 My Spanx have actually cut off the blood supply to my head. 45 00:02:08,774 --> 00:02:10,860 - I'm going to bed. - (Laughs) 46 00:02:11,026 --> 00:02:12,866 - Good night, my love. - I'll see you tomorrow. 47 00:02:13,028 --> 00:02:15,656 (Laughter) 48 00:02:15,823 --> 00:02:17,449 You know what I hate? 49 00:02:17,616 --> 00:02:18,826 Those friends who are like, 50 00:02:18,993 --> 00:02:20,313 "Oh, can you take off your shoes?" 51 00:02:20,369 --> 00:02:22,496 Nope, not taking 'em off. 52 00:02:22,663 --> 00:02:24,039 You know why? 53 00:02:24,206 --> 00:02:25,958 'Cause this is not Japan. 54 00:02:26,125 --> 00:02:28,669 It's the United States of America. 55 00:02:28,836 --> 00:02:31,255 Next time you go to a friend's house 56 00:02:31,422 --> 00:02:33,048 and that friend says, "Ooh, hold on, 57 00:02:33,215 --> 00:02:35,217 can you take your shoes off?" Here's what you do. 58 00:02:35,384 --> 00:02:37,052 You take one of their shoes, 59 00:02:37,219 --> 00:02:39,346 - and you take a shit in it. - (Laughter) 60 00:02:39,513 --> 00:02:41,098 All right? Right in front of them. 61 00:02:41,265 --> 00:02:43,225 Boom. You're welcome, America. 62 00:02:43,392 --> 00:02:45,895 (Sighs): Oh, what a wanker. 63 00:02:46,061 --> 00:02:47,479 (Phone ringing) 64 00:02:47,646 --> 00:02:48,665 RECEPTIONIST: Tonight with Katherine Newbury. 65 00:02:48,689 --> 00:02:49,940 So, how did the speech go? 66 00:02:50,107 --> 00:02:51,251 Did you like what the writers wrote? 67 00:02:51,275 --> 00:02:52,818 Well, I kept the last line. 68 00:02:52,985 --> 00:02:55,070 "Thank you for this honor. Good night." 69 00:02:55,237 --> 00:02:56,780 I'll take that as a no. 70 00:02:56,947 --> 00:02:59,408 Okay, so the network has been trying to contact us. 71 00:02:59,575 --> 00:03:01,577 You have to call Caroline back. 72 00:03:01,744 --> 00:03:04,204 Oh, I was just reading about her. Yeah, here. 73 00:03:04,371 --> 00:03:07,374 Listen to this: "As a female president of a network..." 74 00:03:07,541 --> 00:03:10,127 Don't start any sentence with: "As a female..." 75 00:03:10,294 --> 00:03:11,378 So tacky. 76 00:03:11,545 --> 00:03:12,963 "I want to remind my network 77 00:03:13,130 --> 00:03:14,524 "that show business is still business. 78 00:03:14,548 --> 00:03:16,068 When I was at Harvard Business School," 79 00:03:16,216 --> 00:03:18,069 where, apparently, she majored in name-dropping, 80 00:03:18,093 --> 00:03:20,471 "I learned that if we're not hitting prospective consumers 81 00:03:20,638 --> 00:03:22,848 "in all four quadrants, we are not going to make 82 00:03:23,015 --> 00:03:25,017 a return on our investment." She sounds hilarious. 83 00:03:25,184 --> 00:03:27,311 - I can't wait to call her back. - Great. 84 00:03:27,478 --> 00:03:29,188 And Gabe Eichler is waiting to talk to you. 85 00:03:29,355 --> 00:03:31,982 - I don't know who that is. - He's one of our writers. 86 00:03:33,025 --> 00:03:34,401 Whoopee. 87 00:03:34,568 --> 00:03:36,153 I'm in a single-income household, 88 00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:39,323 and Jen and I just had our second baby, Taylor. 89 00:03:39,490 --> 00:03:41,241 Adorable, huh? 90 00:03:41,408 --> 00:03:43,202 She takes after you. 91 00:03:43,369 --> 00:03:44,495 (Chuckling): Yeah. Thanks. 92 00:03:44,662 --> 00:03:46,246 So there's just a lot of expenses 93 00:03:46,413 --> 00:03:49,416 at home right now, and... I think it's time for a raise. 94 00:03:49,583 --> 00:03:51,752 I see. 95 00:03:51,919 --> 00:03:54,505 This is actually very exciting to me. 96 00:03:54,672 --> 00:03:56,882 - Really? Great. - Because what you're describing 97 00:03:57,049 --> 00:04:00,386 is the most clear-cut example of the classic sexist argument 98 00:04:00,552 --> 00:04:02,554 for the advancement of men in the workplace. 99 00:04:02,721 --> 00:04:04,556 You're asking for a raise not because of 100 00:04:04,723 --> 00:04:06,117 any work-related contribution you've made, 101 00:04:06,141 --> 00:04:07,935 but simply because you have a family. 102 00:04:08,102 --> 00:04:10,854 And that's why, in the 1950s, family men were promoted 103 00:04:11,021 --> 00:04:12,606 over the women they worked with. 104 00:04:12,773 --> 00:04:14,191 I've never encountered it, actually, 105 00:04:14,358 --> 00:04:16,527 in such a clean, teachable way. 106 00:04:16,694 --> 00:04:18,862 I don't think that's at all what's happening. 107 00:04:19,029 --> 00:04:20,406 I can't give you a raise, Gabe. 108 00:04:20,572 --> 00:04:22,658 - It's like giving a raise to a drug addict. - What? 109 00:04:22,825 --> 00:04:24,511 Well, your situations are virtually identical. 110 00:04:24,535 --> 00:04:26,078 A drug addict makes certain decisions 111 00:04:26,245 --> 00:04:28,080 outside of work for their sense of self 112 00:04:28,247 --> 00:04:30,040 and comfort, and then the addiction 113 00:04:30,207 --> 00:04:32,793 demands more time, more energy, more money, just like a child. 114 00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:35,170 - My child's like a drug problem? - Exactly. 115 00:04:35,337 --> 00:04:37,107 You want special treatment. I'm sure you can see 116 00:04:37,131 --> 00:04:40,050 how unfair that would be to a single man or-or woman. 117 00:04:40,217 --> 00:04:41,635 There are no women on this staff. 118 00:04:41,802 --> 00:04:43,530 - Gabe. -And the reason there aren't any women 119 00:04:43,554 --> 00:04:44,763 is because you hate women. 120 00:04:44,930 --> 00:04:46,932 So you can sit there spouting all this 121 00:04:47,099 --> 00:04:48,368 pseudo-feminist bullshit, but we all know 122 00:04:48,392 --> 00:04:49,560 what's going on here. 123 00:04:49,727 --> 00:04:51,770 We need to hire a woman. 124 00:04:51,937 --> 00:04:54,231 You're fired, obviously. 125 00:04:56,567 --> 00:04:57,860 Just so you know, 126 00:04:58,027 --> 00:04:59,695 this show sucks and has for years. 127 00:04:59,862 --> 00:05:01,613 Everybody's here for the paycheck. 128 00:05:01,780 --> 00:05:04,700 That would mean so much more coming from someone with a job. 129 00:05:04,867 --> 00:05:06,118 (Quietly): Sorry, man. 130 00:05:06,285 --> 00:05:07,953 Yeah, sorry. 131 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,831 Bradley, I don't hate women. 132 00:05:10,998 --> 00:05:13,542 I don't think you think you hate women. 133 00:05:13,709 --> 00:05:15,127 What does that mean? 134 00:05:15,294 --> 00:05:17,421 I think you might have a problem with women. 135 00:05:17,588 --> 00:05:19,548 I love Mary Tyler Moore. I love Gilda Radner. 136 00:05:19,715 --> 00:05:22,342 They're both dead. I-I think you have a problem 137 00:05:22,509 --> 00:05:24,109 with living female writers on your staff. 138 00:05:24,219 --> 00:05:25,779 You never want to renew their contracts. 139 00:05:25,929 --> 00:05:27,890 Well, find me one worth keeping. 140 00:05:28,057 --> 00:05:29,892 - Would a gay guy work? - No! 141 00:05:30,059 --> 00:05:31,977 (Horns honking) 142 00:05:32,144 --> 00:05:34,104 ♪ ♪ 143 00:05:51,538 --> 00:05:54,500 "I have spread my dreams under your feet. 144 00:05:54,666 --> 00:05:57,961 Tread softly because you tread on my dreams." 145 00:05:58,128 --> 00:05:59,213 God! 146 00:05:59,379 --> 00:06:01,256 Okay, all right, all right. 147 00:06:02,674 --> 00:06:04,676 (Elevator bell dings, doors slide open) 148 00:06:04,843 --> 00:06:06,678 (indistinct chatter) 149 00:06:06,845 --> 00:06:08,472 Oh, there's my guy. 150 00:06:08,639 --> 00:06:10,307 - How are you, buddy? Hey. - Good. 151 00:06:10,474 --> 00:06:11,868 You guys remember my little brother, Hayes, right? 152 00:06:11,892 --> 00:06:13,492 - Hey. -He's the funny one in the family. 153 00:06:13,602 --> 00:06:15,896 - Oh. What? - Wait, someone in your family is funny? 154 00:06:16,063 --> 00:06:17,356 - (Light laughter) - Hey, man. 155 00:06:17,523 --> 00:06:18,917 Hayes, your timing could not be better. 156 00:06:18,941 --> 00:06:20,418 - Gabe got fired last week. - Oh, yeah. 157 00:06:20,442 --> 00:06:22,361 See, Gabe asked if he could go home 158 00:06:22,528 --> 00:06:24,363 and have dinner with his kids. Suicide. 159 00:06:24,530 --> 00:06:26,299 Yeah, so listen, so when you go in there, okay, no commitments. 160 00:06:26,323 --> 00:06:27,634 - Okay. - No girlfriend. All right? 161 00:06:27,658 --> 00:06:29,243 - You're a monk. - All right. 162 00:06:29,409 --> 00:06:31,262 - Monk. I'm a monk. - Dad already called the network. 163 00:06:31,286 --> 00:06:32,806 - You got this. - (Whispers): You got this. 164 00:06:32,830 --> 00:06:34,164 - Thank you. - Good luck, man. 165 00:06:34,331 --> 00:06:35,571 - Thanks. - Text me after, okay? 166 00:06:35,624 --> 00:06:37,167 All right. 167 00:06:44,508 --> 00:06:46,051 So, you worked at "Chemical Plant." 168 00:06:46,218 --> 00:06:47,553 Is that a cable show? 169 00:06:47,719 --> 00:06:49,179 No, it's a place. 170 00:06:49,346 --> 00:06:50,973 It's a... a chemical plant. 171 00:06:51,140 --> 00:06:52,891 I still work there, actually. 172 00:06:53,058 --> 00:06:54,893 How did you even hear about this job? 173 00:06:55,060 --> 00:06:56,287 Your submission came from Margaret Yang 174 00:06:56,311 --> 00:06:57,563 at Human Resources. 175 00:06:57,729 --> 00:06:58,957 At the chemical plant where I work, 176 00:06:58,981 --> 00:07:00,399 there is a corkboard-- 177 00:07:00,566 --> 00:07:01,984 you know, where people hang notices 178 00:07:02,151 --> 00:07:04,236 for bikes, futons, missing cats-- 179 00:07:04,403 --> 00:07:06,321 and one day, I saw a notice 180 00:07:06,488 --> 00:07:08,740 for a company-sponsored essay contest 181 00:07:08,907 --> 00:07:11,869 where the prize was you could meet any executive you want. 182 00:07:12,035 --> 00:07:13,453 - An essay contest? - Yes. 183 00:07:13,620 --> 00:07:15,247 To meet an executive, like... 184 00:07:15,414 --> 00:07:16,832 the head of the chemical plant? 185 00:07:16,999 --> 00:07:18,333 Yes, I think that's what 186 00:07:18,500 --> 00:07:20,127 you could have picked, traditionally. 187 00:07:20,294 --> 00:07:21,879 - But you didn't? - No. 188 00:07:22,045 --> 00:07:24,381 I picked Vernon Gleason, the chief operating officer 189 00:07:24,548 --> 00:07:26,967 for all of Mainline Chemical, which owns my plant, 190 00:07:27,134 --> 00:07:29,887 but also owns Comtech, which owns this network, 191 00:07:30,053 --> 00:07:32,014 which owns Tonight with Katherine Newbury. 192 00:07:32,181 --> 00:07:34,433 (Laughing): So... so you went 193 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:36,518 to our parent's parent company 194 00:07:36,685 --> 00:07:38,312 in order to make this interview? 195 00:07:38,478 --> 00:07:40,647 - Yep. - And you have no experience in comedy? 196 00:07:40,814 --> 00:07:42,191 No. No, I'm obsessed with comedy. 197 00:07:42,357 --> 00:07:43,984 No, I've seen every episode of this show. 198 00:07:44,151 --> 00:07:45,903 I-I've read every book written about it. 199 00:07:46,069 --> 00:07:48,280 - I do a little stand-up. - Where? 200 00:07:48,447 --> 00:07:50,407 If you have a problem, ask a chemist. 201 00:07:50,574 --> 00:07:53,243 - She'll always have the solution. - (Laughter) 202 00:07:53,410 --> 00:07:56,413 Which kills with people who know about chemistry. 203 00:07:56,580 --> 00:07:57,765 And I'm actually emceeing a benefit 204 00:07:57,789 --> 00:07:58,832 in the city pretty soon. 205 00:07:58,999 --> 00:08:00,250 - It's kind of cool. - Um... 206 00:08:00,417 --> 00:08:02,669 "Cancer Isn't Funny: A Night of Comedy 207 00:08:02,836 --> 00:08:05,505 in Support of Lung Cancer." Jesus Christ. 208 00:08:05,672 --> 00:08:07,090 (Phone ringing) 209 00:08:07,257 --> 00:08:08,967 - Yes. - KATHERINE: Yeah, it's me. 210 00:08:09,134 --> 00:08:10,552 Did you hire a woman yet? 211 00:08:10,719 --> 00:08:14,056 - Uh, working on it. - What's taking so long? 212 00:08:14,223 --> 00:08:16,201 The submissions haven't exactly been the strongest. 213 00:08:16,225 --> 00:08:17,345 KATHERINE: Just hire a woman! 214 00:08:17,476 --> 00:08:19,519 (Click, dial tone) 215 00:08:20,938 --> 00:08:22,856 I also wanted to add 216 00:08:23,023 --> 00:08:25,108 that I live with my aunt and uncle 217 00:08:25,275 --> 00:08:26,902 and 11-year-old cousin in Queens. 218 00:08:27,069 --> 00:08:28,487 I have no friends, no boyfriend. 219 00:08:28,654 --> 00:08:29,863 I am a monk. 220 00:08:30,030 --> 00:08:31,657 This job would be my entire life. 221 00:08:31,823 --> 00:08:33,951 Would you consider yourself a litigious person? 222 00:08:34,117 --> 00:08:35,869 - Litigious? - A TV writers' room is... 223 00:08:36,036 --> 00:08:39,706 it's not very PC. It can be a pretty masculine environment. 224 00:08:39,873 --> 00:08:41,458 Oh. I saw most of the writers. 225 00:08:41,625 --> 00:08:43,669 I'm not overly worried about masculinity. 226 00:08:43,835 --> 00:08:45,837 (Chuckles): Oh. 227 00:08:48,966 --> 00:08:51,426 Uh... you're hired. 228 00:08:51,593 --> 00:08:53,470 For 13 weeks-- and if it doesn't work out, 229 00:08:53,637 --> 00:08:55,197 which it probably won't, you'll be gone. 230 00:08:55,347 --> 00:08:56,723 I can't believe this. 231 00:08:56,890 --> 00:08:58,684 I thought this was going very badly. 232 00:08:58,850 --> 00:09:00,227 It did, and then it didn't. 233 00:09:00,394 --> 00:09:02,020 Okay, here's my spiel to all new writers. 234 00:09:02,187 --> 00:09:03,939 Nothing funny happened after 1995. 235 00:09:04,106 --> 00:09:05,607 Don't talk about the Internet. 236 00:09:05,774 --> 00:09:07,234 She doesn't want to leave her desk. 237 00:09:07,401 --> 00:09:09,045 She certainly doesn't want to leave the office. 238 00:09:09,069 --> 00:09:10,338 - Here's the new schedule. - Don't rock the boat. 239 00:09:10,362 --> 00:09:11,780 Oh, but don't use the expression, 240 00:09:11,947 --> 00:09:13,949 "Don't rock the boat," 'cause she hates it. 241 00:09:14,116 --> 00:09:16,118 Got it? 242 00:09:16,285 --> 00:09:18,745 Didn't you pitch us this same exact thing last week? 243 00:09:18,912 --> 00:09:20,706 - Yes. - I didn't... okay, well, I did 244 00:09:20,872 --> 00:09:22,475 - a different iteration. - Pitched that same thing. 245 00:09:22,499 --> 00:09:25,377 Hey. Guys, uh, this is, um... 246 00:09:25,544 --> 00:09:26,962 - What's your name again? - Molly. 247 00:09:27,129 --> 00:09:29,089 Malee. She used to work at a chemical plant, 248 00:09:29,256 --> 00:09:30,841 and now she's working here. 249 00:09:31,008 --> 00:09:32,342 Oh. Oh, thank God. We're starving. 250 00:09:32,509 --> 00:09:33,802 Uh, can you find out what 251 00:09:33,969 --> 00:09:35,512 the soup of the day is at Au Bon Pain? 252 00:09:35,679 --> 00:09:37,031 MANCUSO: Oh, and I need you to send some packages 253 00:09:37,055 --> 00:09:38,473 back to L.L.Bean for me. 254 00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:40,159 She's not a production assistant, dipshits. 255 00:09:40,183 --> 00:09:42,227 - She's the new writer. - Mm-hmm. 256 00:09:43,812 --> 00:09:44,896 Hi. 257 00:09:46,606 --> 00:09:48,650 So, you start tomorrow at 10:00. 258 00:09:48,817 --> 00:09:50,027 - Great. - Okay. 259 00:09:50,193 --> 00:09:52,070 (Door closes) 260 00:09:52,237 --> 00:09:53,822 ♪ ♪ 261 00:09:53,989 --> 00:09:55,324 RECEPTIONIST: Tonight with Katherine Newbury. 262 00:09:57,576 --> 00:09:59,536 (Sighs) 263 00:09:59,703 --> 00:10:01,788 (chuckling) 264 00:10:04,541 --> 00:10:06,126 Are you okay? 265 00:10:06,293 --> 00:10:08,879 I'm so happy, I feel sick. 266 00:10:09,046 --> 00:10:10,672 (Molly sniffs) 267 00:10:12,799 --> 00:10:14,259 That's our show, everyone. 268 00:10:14,426 --> 00:10:17,054 I hope I earned the privilege of your time. 269 00:10:19,473 --> 00:10:21,058 - (Buzzer blares) - (cheering, whistling) 270 00:10:22,976 --> 00:10:24,311 - Brad. - Yeah. 271 00:10:24,478 --> 00:10:26,313 Who is the woman who was the second guest? 272 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:27,481 Dianne Feinstein? 273 00:10:27,647 --> 00:10:29,566 U.S. Senator? 274 00:10:29,733 --> 00:10:32,053 I thought it was Mike Myers doing a bit in old-lady makeup. 275 00:10:32,110 --> 00:10:34,696 Jesus Christ. Why does she keep booking these boring old broads 276 00:10:34,863 --> 00:10:36,990 when I rep the funniest comedians in the city? 277 00:10:37,157 --> 00:10:38,477 KATHERINE: Probably because I have 278 00:10:38,617 --> 00:10:40,327 a soft spot for boring old broads. 279 00:10:40,494 --> 00:10:42,245 Speaking as one, hello, Billy. 280 00:10:42,412 --> 00:10:44,539 - Katherine, you look gorgeous as ever. - Thank you. 281 00:10:44,706 --> 00:10:46,625 To what do I owe the pleasure of a visit 282 00:10:46,792 --> 00:10:48,392 from the world's pushiest talent manager? 283 00:10:48,543 --> 00:10:50,420 How about getting some of my guys on the show? 284 00:10:50,587 --> 00:10:52,172 It'll shake the dust off of this place. 285 00:10:52,339 --> 00:10:54,007 Dust? 286 00:10:54,174 --> 00:10:56,110 - Well... -Okay, Billy, I think your charm is wearing off. 287 00:10:56,134 --> 00:10:58,470 - I'll-I'll walk you out. - You know I'm right. 288 00:11:01,473 --> 00:11:03,100 MOLLY'S MOM (over phone): Good for you. 289 00:11:03,266 --> 00:11:04,684 Uh, you're going to go celebrate 290 00:11:04,851 --> 00:11:06,228 - with your friends? - Mm-hmm. 291 00:11:06,395 --> 00:11:08,122 - We're gonna go get drinks. - You deserve it. 292 00:11:08,146 --> 00:11:09,874 Okay, Mom, well, I don't want to keep them waiting. 293 00:11:09,898 --> 00:11:11,400 - I better go. - (Microwave beeps) 294 00:11:11,566 --> 00:11:13,693 - Was that the microwave? - Oh, no, it's the doorbell. 295 00:11:13,860 --> 00:11:16,655 Be right there, you guys! Okay, I got to go. 296 00:11:22,786 --> 00:11:25,372 (Buzzer blares) 297 00:11:25,539 --> 00:11:27,374 Where did that catchphrase come from? 298 00:11:27,541 --> 00:11:30,669 "I hope I earned the privilege of your time"? 299 00:11:30,836 --> 00:11:32,462 It came from me. (Clears throat) 300 00:11:32,629 --> 00:11:34,589 Sign of respect for my audience. 301 00:11:34,756 --> 00:11:36,216 (Chuckles) Your audience. 302 00:11:36,383 --> 00:11:38,343 Your tiny, proper, catchphrase-loving audience. 303 00:11:38,510 --> 00:11:40,137 It's cute. I like it. 304 00:11:40,303 --> 00:11:41,721 That's a little insulting, isn't it? 305 00:11:41,888 --> 00:11:43,608 Do you know what's insulting? Waiting a week 306 00:11:43,682 --> 00:11:45,642 for one of your employees to call you back. 307 00:11:45,809 --> 00:11:49,104 I apologize. I was away, accepting an award for comedy. 308 00:11:49,271 --> 00:11:50,991 Comedy is the three-and-a-half-minute chunks 309 00:11:51,022 --> 00:11:54,025 of filler on TV between the commercials you sell. 310 00:11:55,485 --> 00:11:58,321 I came to tell you this year is your last. 311 00:11:58,488 --> 00:11:59,614 What? 312 00:11:59,781 --> 00:12:02,451 This season is your last. 313 00:12:04,744 --> 00:12:06,580 You're canceling the show? 314 00:12:06,746 --> 00:12:08,123 No, I'm canceling you. 315 00:12:08,290 --> 00:12:10,459 This show is irrelevant. The ratings reflect that. 316 00:12:10,625 --> 00:12:12,794 Do you want to know who Jimmy Fallon had on 317 00:12:12,961 --> 00:12:15,881 last Tuesday when you had Doris Kearns Goodwin? 318 00:12:16,047 --> 00:12:17,424 Robert Downey Jr. 319 00:12:17,591 --> 00:12:18,884 They washed a sheepdog together. 320 00:12:19,050 --> 00:12:20,510 It was fucking glorious. 321 00:12:20,677 --> 00:12:22,345 I'm sorry, Caroline. 322 00:12:22,512 --> 00:12:24,365 Should I have played giant Connect Four with her 323 00:12:24,389 --> 00:12:25,589 or perhaps sung a karaoke song 324 00:12:25,724 --> 00:12:27,309 on the back of a tandem bicycle? 325 00:12:27,476 --> 00:12:29,328 It's Doris Kearns Goodwin. She's a national treasure. 326 00:12:29,352 --> 00:12:31,104 Agreed. I only wish she'd been an Avenger 327 00:12:31,271 --> 00:12:33,111 instead of writing books about Abraham Lincoln. 328 00:12:33,231 --> 00:12:35,293 - She could be an Avenger if she tried. - Your ratings 329 00:12:35,317 --> 00:12:37,128 have been in a steady decline the past ten years. 330 00:12:37,152 --> 00:12:39,213 You won't even try to appeal to a mainstream audience. 331 00:12:39,237 --> 00:12:40,947 The worst part is, you seem proud of it, 332 00:12:41,114 --> 00:12:43,325 as if it's beneath you to put forth any effort. 333 00:12:43,492 --> 00:12:46,119 It's so... English. 334 00:12:46,286 --> 00:12:48,955 I'm sure that attitude scores you points at dinner parties, 335 00:12:49,122 --> 00:12:51,042 - but unfortun... - I don't go to dinner parties. 336 00:12:51,124 --> 00:12:52,324 Who are you replacing me with? 337 00:12:52,459 --> 00:12:54,127 Well, we haven't decided yet, but... 338 00:12:54,294 --> 00:12:55,879 we will. 339 00:12:58,673 --> 00:13:01,718 I hope I earned the privilege of your time. 340 00:13:06,389 --> 00:13:08,683 KATHERINE: After all the years, the decades 341 00:13:08,850 --> 00:13:10,769 I've put into that show, can you believe it? 342 00:13:10,936 --> 00:13:12,604 As a matter of fact, I can. 343 00:13:12,771 --> 00:13:14,606 They're all a bunch of idiots. 344 00:13:14,773 --> 00:13:16,834 I mean, this is the cyclical nature of late-night TV. 345 00:13:16,858 --> 00:13:19,569 There are gonna be highs, and there are gonna be slumps. 346 00:13:19,736 --> 00:13:22,656 This particular slump has lasted for over a decade. 347 00:13:22,822 --> 00:13:24,908 - What? -The show hasn't been good for years. 348 00:13:25,075 --> 00:13:28,161 Wow. I'm glad your candor's still intact. 349 00:13:34,584 --> 00:13:36,628 Sorry. 350 00:13:36,795 --> 00:13:39,130 But if you felt this way, why, for God's sake, 351 00:13:39,297 --> 00:13:40,465 didn't you say something? 352 00:13:40,632 --> 00:13:42,259 I thought you knew and didn't care. 353 00:13:42,425 --> 00:13:43,677 - No. - Are you sure? 354 00:13:43,843 --> 00:13:45,262 Walter, I have invested in precisely 355 00:13:45,428 --> 00:13:47,639 two things my entire life: you and this show. 356 00:13:47,806 --> 00:13:49,349 I won't lose it now. I can't. 357 00:13:49,516 --> 00:13:51,142 Then you have to fight again. 358 00:13:51,309 --> 00:13:53,812 Something you haven't had to do for a long, long time. 359 00:13:53,979 --> 00:13:57,190 WALTER: They want to replace you. 360 00:13:57,357 --> 00:13:59,234 But they can't replace you 361 00:13:59,401 --> 00:14:00,569 if everyone loves you. 362 00:14:04,781 --> 00:14:07,492 (Sighing): Okay, okay, okay, okay. 363 00:14:10,537 --> 00:14:12,789 (Snoring) 364 00:14:14,165 --> 00:14:15,417 Good morning! 365 00:14:15,584 --> 00:14:17,294 Oh, my God, you are so funny. 366 00:14:17,460 --> 00:14:19,671 Why am I even awake right now? I'm a stand-up. 367 00:14:19,838 --> 00:14:21,758 I didn't even start my set till 10:00 last night. 368 00:14:21,923 --> 00:14:23,734 Yeah, why did Brad want us here so early anyway? 369 00:14:23,758 --> 00:14:24,968 That makes me kind of nervous. 370 00:14:25,135 --> 00:14:26,928 You're nervous? That's surprising. 371 00:14:27,095 --> 00:14:29,931 Brad's assistant said he saw Caroline Morton here yesterday. 372 00:14:30,098 --> 00:14:33,810 Caroline Morton? Why would the head of the network come here? 373 00:14:50,327 --> 00:14:52,305 Well, hopefully, they don't lay everybody off, you know? 374 00:14:52,329 --> 00:14:54,247 - I need this job. - They did fire Gabe. 375 00:14:54,414 --> 00:14:56,791 - Hey, babe. -Gabe should have been fired years ago. 376 00:14:56,958 --> 00:14:59,127 He once went home early because he had a "bad bagel." 377 00:14:59,294 --> 00:15:00,670 Hey, dickhead, I shared an office 378 00:15:00,837 --> 00:15:02,464 with that guy for 17 years. 379 00:15:02,631 --> 00:15:05,008 - Oh, I heard he got hired at Kimmel. - Fuck him. 380 00:15:05,175 --> 00:15:06,801 I thought you said Kimmel wasn't hiring. 381 00:15:06,968 --> 00:15:09,030 Guys, there's a lot of reasons Caroline could be here. 382 00:15:09,054 --> 00:15:10,764 Maybe she wants to sleep with me. 383 00:15:10,930 --> 00:15:13,224 Hey, man, it's a little early in the morning for you to be 384 00:15:13,391 --> 00:15:15,036 this sexually charged, okay, so let's just... (grunts) 385 00:15:15,060 --> 00:15:16,820 BRAD: Uh, sorry to interrupt your coffee cake 386 00:15:16,895 --> 00:15:19,356 and catching up, but Katherine is in the writers' room. 387 00:15:23,693 --> 00:15:25,654 God. 388 00:15:28,073 --> 00:15:29,783 Uh, if I may, I just want to say, 389 00:15:29,949 --> 00:15:32,452 it is such an honor to meet you, Ms. Newbury. 390 00:15:32,619 --> 00:15:34,162 I'm Chris Reynolds. 391 00:15:34,329 --> 00:15:36,498 Uh, my name is Eugene Mancuso, and when my parents 392 00:15:36,665 --> 00:15:38,601 - got divorced, this show... - I don't know who any of you are. 393 00:15:38,625 --> 00:15:40,210 I don't know who any of them are. 394 00:15:40,377 --> 00:15:42,504 - BRAD: Um... - TOM: Oh, well, 395 00:15:42,671 --> 00:15:45,507 uh, Tom. I'm-I'm Tom. 396 00:15:45,674 --> 00:15:47,926 I, uh... I write the monologue. I'm actually the youngest 397 00:15:48,093 --> 00:15:49,612 monologue writer in the history of the show. 398 00:15:49,636 --> 00:15:50,863 No, no, no. (Stammers) Don't care. 399 00:15:50,887 --> 00:15:52,097 - No? Okay. - Do you know what? 400 00:15:52,263 --> 00:15:53,723 I'm not gonna remember any of this, 401 00:15:53,890 --> 00:15:55,076 so here's what we're gonna do. Um, you're One. 402 00:15:55,100 --> 00:15:57,977 Two. Three. 403 00:15:58,812 --> 00:16:00,772 Four. 404 00:16:00,939 --> 00:16:02,190 BURDITT: Hi, Katherine. 405 00:16:02,357 --> 00:16:04,776 Oh, Burditt. Thank God. How's your baby? 406 00:16:04,943 --> 00:16:06,236 She's 27. 407 00:16:06,403 --> 00:16:07,904 Her baby's doing well. 408 00:16:08,071 --> 00:16:09,447 She just started preschool. 409 00:16:09,614 --> 00:16:11,008 - She's, uh... - (makes buzzing sound) 410 00:16:11,032 --> 00:16:12,450 Never mind. I-I don't want to know. 411 00:16:12,617 --> 00:16:14,497 I don't know why I asked, actually. You're Five. 412 00:16:14,536 --> 00:16:16,430 Six. Seven. That's what I'm gonna call you all from now on. 413 00:16:16,454 --> 00:16:18,474 - It's just easier. - Are we allowed to call each other 414 00:16:18,498 --> 00:16:19,624 by our own names? 415 00:16:19,791 --> 00:16:20,935 J-Just learn the numbers, Reynolds. 416 00:16:20,959 --> 00:16:22,168 - Yeah, yeah. - I mean Two. 417 00:16:22,335 --> 00:16:23,753 - Yeah. - TOM: Can One and I switch? 418 00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:25,630 I'm-I'm just... I'm the most senior writer. 419 00:16:26,715 --> 00:16:27,882 I'll take Seven. Seven. 420 00:16:28,049 --> 00:16:29,318 - Lucky Seven. - Okay, can we just 421 00:16:29,342 --> 00:16:30,635 get into it now and see if we can 422 00:16:30,802 --> 00:16:32,321 - salvage anything worth taping? - Yes. 423 00:16:32,345 --> 00:16:35,348 You-you had that "Trapped in the Closet" thing. 424 00:16:35,515 --> 00:16:38,518 Why are you dressed like you work HR at a funeral home? 425 00:16:38,685 --> 00:16:39,925 Pavarti, I don't look like that. 426 00:16:40,019 --> 00:16:41,396 I look professional. 427 00:16:41,563 --> 00:16:44,315 Like I work HR at a law firm. 428 00:16:44,482 --> 00:16:46,526 ♪ ♪ 429 00:16:59,205 --> 00:17:01,249 (indistinct chatter) 430 00:17:03,001 --> 00:17:04,812 KATHERINE: Um, anyway, but it's something like that. 431 00:17:04,836 --> 00:17:06,796 - BRAD: Yeah, you start. - Okay, um... 432 00:17:06,963 --> 00:17:08,214 Now, but it could be funny. 433 00:17:08,381 --> 00:17:09,692 - That-that'd be your job. - Who are you? 434 00:17:09,716 --> 00:17:10,717 Uh, I, uh... I-I'm Molly. 435 00:17:10,884 --> 00:17:12,552 I'm a new writer. 436 00:17:12,719 --> 00:17:14,947 - Uh, the new female writer. - Yeah, I can see that, Brad. 437 00:17:14,971 --> 00:17:16,222 What are those? 438 00:17:16,389 --> 00:17:17,766 These are cupcakes. 439 00:17:17,932 --> 00:17:19,809 They're my way of saying thank you 440 00:17:19,976 --> 00:17:22,312 - for this amazing opportun... - You're late. 441 00:17:22,479 --> 00:17:24,314 Late? 442 00:17:24,481 --> 00:17:26,983 I thought I was almost two hours early. 443 00:17:27,150 --> 00:17:28,735 Does it look like you're early? 444 00:17:28,902 --> 00:17:30,570 Uh, Brad told her we start at 10:00. 445 00:17:30,737 --> 00:17:31,738 Oh. 446 00:17:32,655 --> 00:17:34,407 Well, get in here, then. 447 00:17:34,574 --> 00:17:36,254 - Should I... - What? You want to sit down? 448 00:17:36,367 --> 00:17:38,536 - Okay. Yeah. - (Chatter resumes) 449 00:17:38,703 --> 00:17:40,343 MANCUSO: Oh, that's where Mendelsohn sits. 450 00:17:40,413 --> 00:17:42,415 He's in the bathroom, so... 451 00:17:42,582 --> 00:17:45,418 - Okay. - And that's McCrary's seat. 452 00:17:45,585 --> 00:17:47,086 - Oh. - KATHERINE: Where is McCrary? 453 00:17:47,253 --> 00:17:49,380 I told everyone to be here at 8:00. 454 00:17:49,547 --> 00:17:50,381 Oh, he got a call from his girlfriend, 455 00:17:50,548 --> 00:17:51,716 so it's gonna be a while. 456 00:17:51,883 --> 00:17:53,593 They're actually newly long-distance, 457 00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:55,112 - and I think it's been really hard for her. - Has it been? 458 00:17:55,136 --> 00:17:56,489 Has it been hard for McCrary's girlfriend? 459 00:17:56,513 --> 00:17:58,014 Oh, wow, he must be such a catch. 460 00:17:58,181 --> 00:18:00,350 - Could you sit down, please? - Uh, I-I-I want to. 461 00:18:00,517 --> 00:18:02,060 - I'm trying. - Could you try harder? 462 00:18:02,227 --> 00:18:04,562 Uh, yes. 463 00:18:04,729 --> 00:18:06,940 Oh, okay. I'll just use, uh, this trash can. 464 00:18:07,106 --> 00:18:10,693 There's... you know, there's hardly any trash in it at all. 465 00:18:10,860 --> 00:18:12,403 - Excuse me. Thank you. - Yeah. 466 00:18:12,570 --> 00:18:15,114 Ooh, it's kind of comfortable. Better than a chair. 467 00:18:15,281 --> 00:18:16,574 - You're Eight. - What? 468 00:18:16,741 --> 00:18:17,951 Your name is Eight. 469 00:18:18,117 --> 00:18:19,517 - I'm Molly. - None of this matters. 470 00:18:19,619 --> 00:18:21,179 Why would anyone care what your name is? 471 00:18:21,246 --> 00:18:23,126 Do none of you understand what is at stake here? 472 00:18:23,164 --> 00:18:25,166 I am being replaced as host of this show 473 00:18:25,333 --> 00:18:28,503 because of declining ratings and general lack of quality. 474 00:18:28,670 --> 00:18:31,172 - Wait, what? - The show is great. 475 00:18:31,339 --> 00:18:33,299 Let's see them do 300 shows a year. 476 00:18:33,466 --> 00:18:34,944 - (Overlapping chatter) - What do they expect? 477 00:18:34,968 --> 00:18:37,053 What do they know? 478 00:18:37,220 --> 00:18:38,721 - What do you think? - (Chatter stops) 479 00:18:40,807 --> 00:18:42,475 Oh, I think it's horrible. 480 00:18:42,642 --> 00:18:44,102 It's terrible. 481 00:18:44,269 --> 00:18:46,521 It's-it's the worst. It's... I hate it. 482 00:18:46,688 --> 00:18:48,523 Please stop saying synonyms for "bad." 483 00:18:48,690 --> 00:18:50,817 Tell me what you think. 484 00:18:50,984 --> 00:18:54,696 If I'm being completely honest, and... 485 00:18:54,863 --> 00:18:56,281 also acknowledging how much of a fan 486 00:18:56,447 --> 00:18:58,616 I am of the show and all of your work, 487 00:18:58,783 --> 00:19:02,078 I think there is room for a little bit of improvement. 488 00:19:02,245 --> 00:19:03,621 TOM: Oh, well, sorry the show 489 00:19:03,788 --> 00:19:05,266 doesn't appeal to the heightened sensibilities 490 00:19:05,290 --> 00:19:06,767 of you and your friends at the factory. 491 00:19:06,791 --> 00:19:08,501 It's a chemical plant, not a factory. 492 00:19:08,668 --> 00:19:10,271 - Whatever. -KATHERINE: Seven's right. It's not the smartest 493 00:19:10,295 --> 00:19:11,814 thing in the world to come in on your first day 494 00:19:11,838 --> 00:19:13,198 and criticize a room full of people 495 00:19:13,298 --> 00:19:15,425 who've been doing this for years, but... 496 00:19:15,592 --> 00:19:17,468 I asked your opinion, 497 00:19:17,635 --> 00:19:19,846 and honestly, I do not disagree with you. 498 00:19:20,013 --> 00:19:21,613 I've been hearing a lot of this recently. 499 00:19:21,764 --> 00:19:23,933 Last night, from the person I know most in the world, 500 00:19:24,100 --> 00:19:26,269 and today, from this person sitting on a trash can 501 00:19:26,436 --> 00:19:27,937 whom I know the least. 502 00:19:28,104 --> 00:19:30,273 But taking both into account, 503 00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:32,233 the show is bad-- I don't know why-- 504 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:34,068 and I think it's your fault. 505 00:19:34,235 --> 00:19:36,195 I love you, too. 506 00:19:36,362 --> 00:19:37,739 Oh, you must be McCrary. 507 00:19:37,906 --> 00:19:39,449 - Oh, wow. - How's your girlfriend? 508 00:19:39,616 --> 00:19:41,743 Good. Really good. Yeah, she just got this new job, 509 00:19:41,910 --> 00:19:43,202 so she's a little emotional. 510 00:19:43,369 --> 00:19:44,471 - She misses me. - Well, she's gonna be 511 00:19:44,495 --> 00:19:45,872 seeing a lot more of you now, 512 00:19:46,039 --> 00:19:47,391 'cause you're fired. Could you see him out? 513 00:19:47,415 --> 00:19:49,042 Now, this is what's gonna happen. 514 00:19:49,208 --> 00:19:51,544 From this moment forth, none of you has a life. 515 00:19:51,711 --> 00:19:54,213 You have no wives, no girlfriends, no kids. 516 00:19:54,380 --> 00:19:55,757 You have only this. 517 00:19:55,924 --> 00:19:57,425 You live this show. 518 00:19:57,592 --> 00:19:59,052 You breathe this show. 519 00:19:59,218 --> 00:20:01,888 When you masturbate, you think about this show. 520 00:20:02,055 --> 00:20:03,866 You're finally going to earn those big, fat paychecks 521 00:20:03,890 --> 00:20:05,683 that have been paying for your divorces 522 00:20:05,850 --> 00:20:07,161 and gym memberships you clearly never use. 523 00:20:07,185 --> 00:20:08,519 Think about why the show is bad, 524 00:20:08,686 --> 00:20:10,188 and come up with ways to fix it. 525 00:20:10,355 --> 00:20:12,941 And, Eight, sit on a chair tomorrow, for God's sake! 526 00:20:14,567 --> 00:20:16,152 Okay. 527 00:20:16,319 --> 00:20:17,695 So... 528 00:20:17,862 --> 00:20:20,531 Can I take the fired man's seat? 529 00:20:20,698 --> 00:20:22,283 We're all gonna be out of jobs. 530 00:20:22,450 --> 00:20:23,761 I'm gonna have to move to Long Island City, 531 00:20:23,785 --> 00:20:25,161 probably sell all my clothes. 532 00:20:25,328 --> 00:20:27,222 - Don't be so dramatic. - Oh, how would you know? 533 00:20:27,246 --> 00:20:28,526 You don't even have nice clothes. 534 00:20:28,623 --> 00:20:30,041 Okay, it's not all that surprising. 535 00:20:30,208 --> 00:20:31,602 Any of your friends talk about the show anymore? 536 00:20:31,626 --> 00:20:32,895 No, it's a relic. Okay? There's no buzz 537 00:20:32,919 --> 00:20:34,279 - about it at all. - No. -TOM: Hey. 538 00:20:34,420 --> 00:20:35,940 It's not a relic, okay? She is an icon. 539 00:20:36,047 --> 00:20:37,274 I mean, it would take them a month 540 00:20:37,298 --> 00:20:38,525 just to remove all of her Emmys. 541 00:20:38,549 --> 00:20:39,926 Well, you know, who knows? 542 00:20:40,093 --> 00:20:41,487 Maybe Little Miss Chemical Plant can help us. 543 00:20:41,511 --> 00:20:43,071 TOM: Please, don't even joke about that. 544 00:20:43,179 --> 00:20:44,907 You know what, Reynolds? Give me one of your Xanaxes. 545 00:20:44,931 --> 00:20:46,075 No, I need all my Xannies now that I'm in the poorhouse. 546 00:20:46,099 --> 00:20:49,060 Molly Patel! Molly Patel, 547 00:20:49,227 --> 00:20:52,063 - the quality control specialist. - TOM: Oh, my God. 548 00:20:52,230 --> 00:20:54,524 MANCUSO: Hobbies include ruining our lives. 549 00:20:54,691 --> 00:20:57,026 TOM: I don't think she's worked a day in television. 550 00:20:57,193 --> 00:20:58,879 You know, I think she's a pathological liar. 551 00:20:58,903 --> 00:21:01,239 I wish I was a woman of color so I could just get 552 00:21:01,406 --> 00:21:02,966 any job I want with zero qualifications. 553 00:21:03,116 --> 00:21:05,076 We talked about this. You can't say that. 554 00:21:05,243 --> 00:21:07,787 (Chuckling) 555 00:21:07,954 --> 00:21:09,163 Hey, man. 556 00:21:09,330 --> 00:21:11,165 You remember, uh, Molly from earlier? 557 00:21:11,332 --> 00:21:13,584 Yes. She told everyone the show was bad. 558 00:21:13,751 --> 00:21:16,546 That's her. You'll be sharing an office with her. 559 00:21:16,713 --> 00:21:18,715 Brad? Brad. Brad? 560 00:21:21,300 --> 00:21:23,011 This is nice. Who's that? 561 00:21:23,177 --> 00:21:24,737 That's the guy whose desk you're taking. 562 00:21:24,887 --> 00:21:26,889 He was fired last week. 563 00:21:27,056 --> 00:21:29,475 He was my best friend. 564 00:21:39,402 --> 00:21:43,406 So... you must be pretty new, too. 565 00:21:43,573 --> 00:21:45,033 You don't have any stuff. 566 00:21:46,242 --> 00:21:48,911 Oh, I-I've been here 27 years. 567 00:21:49,078 --> 00:21:51,914 In case I get fired, I don't want to get too comfortable. 568 00:21:54,125 --> 00:21:57,170 So, are you gonna tell me about your day? 569 00:21:57,336 --> 00:21:58,963 It was a bit like trying to mount 570 00:21:59,130 --> 00:22:00,339 a prison production of Hamlet. 571 00:22:00,506 --> 00:22:02,008 But at least prisoners get sunlight 572 00:22:02,175 --> 00:22:04,552 - and exercise once a day. - (Laughs) 573 00:22:04,719 --> 00:22:06,512 That sounds very promising. 574 00:22:06,679 --> 00:22:08,681 You always worked best with a captive audience. 575 00:22:08,848 --> 00:22:11,225 (Laughs) 576 00:22:11,392 --> 00:22:13,269 Right now it is a hostile environment 577 00:22:13,436 --> 00:22:15,521 in which to be an educated white male. 578 00:22:15,688 --> 00:22:18,191 I mean, it's staggering how unfair it is, okay? 579 00:22:18,357 --> 00:22:20,526 Staggering. 580 00:22:20,693 --> 00:22:22,337 Yeah, they completely overlooked my brother. 581 00:22:22,361 --> 00:22:23,780 All right. 582 00:22:23,946 --> 00:22:25,299 She's, like, a diversity hire or something. 583 00:22:25,323 --> 00:22:26,616 Man, she'll be here 13 weeks. 584 00:22:26,783 --> 00:22:28,576 She's, like, a single mom or something. 585 00:22:31,079 --> 00:22:32,330 Hey. 586 00:22:32,497 --> 00:22:33,998 I'm not a single mom, by the way. 587 00:22:34,165 --> 00:22:35,249 I just look like one. 588 00:22:35,416 --> 00:22:36,876 And I guess I dress like one. 589 00:22:37,043 --> 00:22:39,337 No, I... I-I wasn't talking about you. 590 00:22:39,504 --> 00:22:41,422 - Then who were you talking about? - Uh, my... 591 00:22:41,589 --> 00:22:43,091 cleaning lady. 592 00:22:43,257 --> 00:22:44,967 Your brother lost a job to your housekeeper? 593 00:22:46,010 --> 00:22:47,220 - Yep. - Whatever. 594 00:22:47,386 --> 00:22:48,679 Just so you know, I'd rather be 595 00:22:48,846 --> 00:22:50,282 a diversity hire than a nepotism hire. 596 00:22:50,306 --> 00:22:51,849 'Cause at least I had to beat out 597 00:22:52,016 --> 00:22:53,452 every minority and woman to get here. 598 00:22:53,476 --> 00:22:57,021 You just had to be born. 599 00:22:57,188 --> 00:22:59,690 TOM: Hey, you know, one of my grandparents was an immigrant. 600 00:22:59,857 --> 00:23:01,567 This documentary was insane. 601 00:23:01,734 --> 00:23:03,170 It said, basically, we're all covered 602 00:23:03,194 --> 00:23:04,862 in, like, tiny bugs and... 603 00:23:05,029 --> 00:23:07,240 - Oh. - No cupcakes today. 604 00:23:18,876 --> 00:23:21,170 So, Molly, what is your deal? 605 00:23:21,337 --> 00:23:24,298 Well, I am from central Pennsylvania. I love to laugh. 606 00:23:24,465 --> 00:23:26,342 No, boring. Like, what do you hate? 607 00:23:26,509 --> 00:23:28,803 What neighborhood do you live in? Who are you fucking? 608 00:23:28,970 --> 00:23:31,639 Uh, I, uh... I hate injustice. 609 00:23:31,806 --> 00:23:33,141 (Tom scoffs) 610 00:23:33,307 --> 00:23:35,518 I live with my aunt and uncle in Queens. 611 00:23:35,685 --> 00:23:37,770 And I'm not sleeping with anybody. 612 00:23:37,937 --> 00:23:39,998 - Where'd you go to school? - Luzerne Community College. 613 00:23:40,022 --> 00:23:41,816 - Loser Community College? - (Laughter) 614 00:23:41,983 --> 00:23:44,128 - Luzerne. -Oh, 'cause it really sounded like you said "loser." 615 00:23:44,152 --> 00:23:46,338 - Yeah, but why would I say that? - Don't listen to them. 616 00:23:46,362 --> 00:23:48,442 I dropped out of high school and worked at the docks. 617 00:23:48,531 --> 00:23:50,342 That's why I write so many jokes about seagulls. 618 00:23:50,366 --> 00:23:52,410 So, what is the stage like? I cannot wait to see it. 619 00:23:52,577 --> 00:23:54,471 We're not allowed on the stage. Only Brad and Tom. 620 00:23:54,495 --> 00:23:56,122 TOM: Yeah, I'm head monologue writer. 621 00:23:56,289 --> 00:23:58,583 You are? 'Cause you hadn't mentioned it in ten minutes. 622 00:23:58,749 --> 00:23:59,959 - I was worried. - (Laughs) 623 00:24:00,126 --> 00:24:01,486 Wait, so you all write on the show, 624 00:24:01,544 --> 00:24:03,129 and you've never been to the stage? 625 00:24:04,172 --> 00:24:05,506 Okay. Okay. 626 00:24:05,673 --> 00:24:07,341 This is how it works. 627 00:24:07,508 --> 00:24:08,968 The writers are supposed 628 00:24:09,135 --> 00:24:11,304 - to get here at 10:00. - Good morning. 629 00:24:11,470 --> 00:24:13,306 I usually get here at 9:00. 630 00:24:13,472 --> 00:24:15,016 Then we go into our offices and read 631 00:24:15,183 --> 00:24:16,726 the newspaper headlines for joke ideas. 632 00:24:16,893 --> 00:24:19,604 Some of us are a little more focused than others. 633 00:24:19,770 --> 00:24:21,832 Then we submit our jokes to Brad, who makes his selects. 634 00:24:21,856 --> 00:24:23,649 That's what makes it in the show. 635 00:24:23,816 --> 00:24:25,335 - Here you go. - I usually get some good stuff in there. 636 00:24:25,359 --> 00:24:26,736 Ah! 637 00:24:26,903 --> 00:24:28,213 Then we meet up in the writers' room 638 00:24:28,237 --> 00:24:29,697 to go over Brad's selects. 639 00:24:29,864 --> 00:24:32,158 - (Indistinct chatter) - Oh, kiss my ass! 640 00:24:32,325 --> 00:24:34,118 Then at 6:30, the show starts taping, 641 00:24:34,285 --> 00:24:35,494 and we all watch. 642 00:24:35,661 --> 00:24:38,414 And that is how we make a TV show. 643 00:24:38,581 --> 00:24:41,751 So you never interact with her once the entire day? 644 00:24:41,918 --> 00:24:44,212 Until yesterday, most of us hadn't even met her. 645 00:24:46,214 --> 00:24:48,299 - (Toilet flushes) - Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. 646 00:24:48,466 --> 00:24:49,693 I thought this was the women's room. 647 00:24:49,717 --> 00:24:51,177 No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. 648 00:24:51,344 --> 00:24:52,779 You're right. It is... it is the women's room. 649 00:24:52,803 --> 00:24:54,281 We just... we haven't had a woman here 650 00:24:54,305 --> 00:24:57,016 in, like, ever, so yeah, we use it. 651 00:24:57,183 --> 00:24:58,643 Doesn't Katherine mind? 652 00:24:58,809 --> 00:25:00,245 You kidding me? No, she doesn't come in here. 653 00:25:00,269 --> 00:25:01,479 She has her own bathroom. 654 00:25:01,646 --> 00:25:03,648 We actually... we-we come in here to... 655 00:25:03,814 --> 00:25:05,399 to take a shit. 656 00:25:05,566 --> 00:25:09,362 I don't understand anything about this job. 657 00:25:09,528 --> 00:25:11,864 Well, you're right about not being allowed on set. 658 00:25:12,031 --> 00:25:13,199 It's fucked up. 659 00:25:13,366 --> 00:25:14,951 So, why don't you say something? 660 00:25:15,117 --> 00:25:17,119 (Laughs) Like, "See Something, Say Something"? 661 00:25:17,286 --> 00:25:19,121 Because it's not airport security, Molly. 662 00:25:19,288 --> 00:25:20,623 It's a TV show. 663 00:25:20,790 --> 00:25:25,127 And she's not the, uh, classy role model 664 00:25:25,294 --> 00:25:27,755 you've been watching on TV for 20 years. 665 00:25:30,424 --> 00:25:31,842 Hey, you know... you know what? 666 00:25:32,009 --> 00:25:33,970 I'm doing stand-up tomorrow night, all right? 667 00:25:34,136 --> 00:25:35,513 Come see me. 668 00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:37,723 We'll get a drink after. 669 00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:41,269 (Door opens) 670 00:25:42,353 --> 00:25:43,562 (door closes) 671 00:25:43,729 --> 00:25:45,009 Okay. Let's get going, everybody. 672 00:25:45,106 --> 00:25:46,774 One, you're up. 673 00:25:46,941 --> 00:25:49,277 I have an idea entitled "Hollywood Zoo." 674 00:25:49,443 --> 00:25:51,445 It's animals that look like celebrities. 675 00:25:51,612 --> 00:25:54,699 - No. -And... or celebrities that look like animals? 676 00:25:54,865 --> 00:25:56,659 Can I? Okay. 677 00:25:56,826 --> 00:25:59,245 "Shrimp My Ride." 678 00:26:00,454 --> 00:26:01,872 "Fancy Pelosi." 679 00:26:02,039 --> 00:26:04,625 "Celebrity Fitted-Sheet Folding Challenge." 680 00:26:04,792 --> 00:26:06,168 Yeah, we worked on that together. 681 00:26:06,335 --> 00:26:07,604 It's where we have you and a celebrity race 682 00:26:07,628 --> 00:26:08,796 to fold a fitted sheet. 683 00:26:08,963 --> 00:26:10,798 (Chuckles) You know what? Forget it. 684 00:26:10,965 --> 00:26:13,342 Can I just remind everybody here 685 00:26:13,509 --> 00:26:16,929 that the stakes could not be higher. 686 00:26:17,096 --> 00:26:18,597 - Two, go. - Uh, okay. 687 00:26:18,764 --> 00:26:20,349 So, the Miss America pageant 688 00:26:20,516 --> 00:26:22,452 and the Westminster Dog Show are both the same week. 689 00:26:22,476 --> 00:26:24,145 So I thought, why not combine the two? 690 00:26:24,312 --> 00:26:25,914 We ask the girls to run around in a circle, 691 00:26:25,938 --> 00:26:27,940 and we ask the dogs their take on immigration. 692 00:26:28,107 --> 00:26:30,234 Oh, the Miss America pageant. 693 00:26:30,401 --> 00:26:32,504 The scholarship competition where it's still appropriate 694 00:26:32,528 --> 00:26:34,113 to ask a beautiful teenager from Tampa 695 00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:35,489 who can't afford college 696 00:26:35,656 --> 00:26:37,533 but who can afford breast implants 697 00:26:37,700 --> 00:26:38,909 about world peace. 698 00:26:39,076 --> 00:26:39,869 No, we're not gonna be doing that. 699 00:26:40,036 --> 00:26:41,036 Where's John Phillips? 700 00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:41,871 I want to hear his pitches. 701 00:26:42,038 --> 00:26:44,582 - Um... - Um... 702 00:26:46,042 --> 00:26:47,043 What? 703 00:26:47,209 --> 00:26:50,629 Uh, John died in 2012. 704 00:26:50,796 --> 00:26:52,256 John's dead? Are you kidding me? 705 00:26:52,423 --> 00:26:54,967 About the death of our coworker? No. 706 00:26:55,134 --> 00:26:56,510 Oh, that's terrible. 707 00:26:56,677 --> 00:26:58,929 - He was so funny. - Yeah. 708 00:26:59,096 --> 00:27:00,806 Eight, what? 709 00:27:00,973 --> 00:27:03,225 First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss. 710 00:27:03,392 --> 00:27:04,977 He sounded like an incredible person. 711 00:27:05,144 --> 00:27:07,355 Second, I'm really honored 712 00:27:07,521 --> 00:27:09,398 to be presenting my ideas here today. 713 00:27:09,565 --> 00:27:11,442 Oh, God, I wish I was John Phillips. 714 00:27:11,609 --> 00:27:13,319 So, I thought I would take a step back 715 00:27:13,486 --> 00:27:15,071 and see what wasn't working. 716 00:27:15,237 --> 00:27:16,947 This is what I do at quality control 717 00:27:17,114 --> 00:27:19,343 at the chemical plant, and I thought I would do that here. 718 00:27:19,367 --> 00:27:22,661 The headline of my analysis is "Complacency." 719 00:27:22,828 --> 00:27:25,331 And I noticed that there's three major areas 720 00:27:25,498 --> 00:27:27,138 where there could be a lot of improvement. 721 00:27:27,291 --> 00:27:29,251 The first is your overall unwillingness to do 722 00:27:29,418 --> 00:27:31,271 high-concept recurring bits-- you know, where you have to 723 00:27:31,295 --> 00:27:32,922 physically leave the studio. 724 00:27:33,089 --> 00:27:35,209 Those are the ones that can go viral if executed well. 725 00:27:35,299 --> 00:27:39,095 The second is your total lack of presence on social media. 726 00:27:39,261 --> 00:27:41,501 You seem to have contempt for it, which feels ill-advised 727 00:27:41,639 --> 00:27:44,100 because most of your audience is watching on their phones. 728 00:27:44,266 --> 00:27:46,227 The third: I think people get very excited 729 00:27:46,394 --> 00:27:48,020 when you share your beliefs. 730 00:27:48,187 --> 00:27:50,165 So, what you just said about the Miss America pageant, 731 00:27:50,189 --> 00:27:51,649 that was awesome. 732 00:27:51,816 --> 00:27:53,651 When you reveal those kind of strong opinions, 733 00:27:53,818 --> 00:27:55,820 it's when you really come alive as a performer. 734 00:27:55,986 --> 00:27:58,322 That's when I come alive as a performer? 735 00:27:58,489 --> 00:28:00,116 - Yeah. - Can I see that? 736 00:28:00,282 --> 00:28:02,201 Absolutely. 737 00:28:03,953 --> 00:28:05,704 I just want to say, I'm no longer attached 738 00:28:05,871 --> 00:28:07,373 to this idea in any shape or form. 739 00:28:07,540 --> 00:28:09,792 Thank you so much. 740 00:28:09,959 --> 00:28:12,086 (Sighs) 741 00:28:14,046 --> 00:28:15,756 Mm-hmm. (Clicks tongue) 742 00:28:15,923 --> 00:28:18,926 So, what's the solution? 743 00:28:19,093 --> 00:28:21,137 Oh, I don't have one. 744 00:28:21,303 --> 00:28:23,722 Just to be clear, you don't have any new ideas or jokes? 745 00:28:23,889 --> 00:28:25,766 No. 746 00:28:25,933 --> 00:28:27,643 KATHERINE: Okay, I've been doing this job 747 00:28:27,810 --> 00:28:29,413 for nearly 30 years, and I know what works. 748 00:28:29,437 --> 00:28:31,188 And I'll tell you what doesn't work: 749 00:28:31,355 --> 00:28:33,375 an absurdly confident newcomer coming in, criticizing my show 750 00:28:33,399 --> 00:28:36,527 and giving me her assessment of my comic persona 751 00:28:36,694 --> 00:28:39,447 without doing the hard work of presenting me with solutions. 752 00:28:39,613 --> 00:28:41,490 This-this room is a ship. 753 00:28:41,657 --> 00:28:43,159 I am the captain, and you have barely 754 00:28:43,325 --> 00:28:44,702 earned the right to be an oar. 755 00:28:44,869 --> 00:28:47,913 Do I make myself clear, Eight? 756 00:28:49,081 --> 00:28:51,625 (Sighs) I have not changed. 757 00:28:51,792 --> 00:28:53,687 The audience has changed. They don't want smart comedy. 758 00:28:53,711 --> 00:28:55,546 They want Kevin Hart on a Slip 'N Slide, 759 00:28:55,713 --> 00:28:57,233 so let's just give them what they want. 760 00:28:57,381 --> 00:28:59,383 Who's the most tacky famous person out there? 761 00:28:59,550 --> 00:29:00,926 Reality star? 762 00:29:01,093 --> 00:29:02,779 No, a YouTube celebrity. There was one at the club 763 00:29:02,803 --> 00:29:04,513 I was at last night, and I got trampled. 764 00:29:04,680 --> 00:29:06,366 It was the most glamorous thing that's ever happened to me 765 00:29:06,390 --> 00:29:07,784 - in my entire life. - (Sighs) What? 766 00:29:07,808 --> 00:29:09,244 Wait. Come on, we're-we're not really 767 00:29:09,268 --> 00:29:10,370 considering doing this, though, right? 768 00:29:10,394 --> 00:29:11,854 - Mimi Mismatch. - Who? 769 00:29:12,021 --> 00:29:13,781 She is a YouTube star who does comic sketches 770 00:29:13,898 --> 00:29:15,399 in the basement of her parents' house. 771 00:29:15,566 --> 00:29:17,109 - Oh, my God. - Uh, uh, she has 772 00:29:17,276 --> 00:29:18,796 - 25 million Twitter followers. - Okay. 773 00:29:18,861 --> 00:29:20,661 My daughters are obsessed with her. She, um... 774 00:29:20,779 --> 00:29:22,615 Just book her, book her, book her. 775 00:29:22,781 --> 00:29:24,825 ♪ ♪ 776 00:29:27,995 --> 00:29:30,456 - (crying) - (door opens) 777 00:29:33,959 --> 00:29:36,003 Sorry. 778 00:29:38,923 --> 00:29:40,841 I really got to go. 779 00:29:41,008 --> 00:29:42,885 - Oh, God. - I'm sorry. Yeah. 780 00:29:43,052 --> 00:29:45,429 - Or I can... you can... - I... Okay, okay. 781 00:29:45,596 --> 00:29:47,389 Okay. 782 00:29:50,351 --> 00:29:51,894 (Molly crying) 783 00:29:52,061 --> 00:29:54,021 Oh, my God. 784 00:29:56,774 --> 00:29:59,026 (Sighs) Okay. 785 00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:03,280 This has to stop. 786 00:30:03,447 --> 00:30:06,075 (Crying continues) 787 00:30:06,242 --> 00:30:08,244 - (grunts) - MOLLY (crying): I don't know. 788 00:30:08,410 --> 00:30:10,871 Maybe I should just move back to Pennsylvania. 789 00:30:11,038 --> 00:30:13,123 Can I give you some advice? 790 00:30:13,290 --> 00:30:14,833 You need to shut the fuck up. 791 00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:16,418 Excuse me? 792 00:30:16,585 --> 00:30:18,546 If you hear something you don't agree with, 793 00:30:18,712 --> 00:30:21,215 you have to resist the urge to give your opinion. 794 00:30:21,382 --> 00:30:22,841 I will not be marginalized 795 00:30:23,008 --> 00:30:24,969 by the iron fist of white privilege 796 00:30:25,135 --> 00:30:27,012 that pervades this work environment. 797 00:30:27,179 --> 00:30:29,932 I am not trying to silence your strong female Indian 798 00:30:30,099 --> 00:30:32,560 woman of color spirit, hashtag MeToo, 799 00:30:32,726 --> 00:30:34,186 TransIsBeautiful, blah, blah, blah. 800 00:30:34,353 --> 00:30:37,064 You're still a new writer with no experience. 801 00:30:37,231 --> 00:30:40,526 You need to stop giving advice and write something. 802 00:30:40,693 --> 00:30:42,486 You're a writer, so write. 803 00:30:42,653 --> 00:30:44,238 Okay. 804 00:30:44,405 --> 00:30:45,948 Come on. You get more work done 805 00:30:46,115 --> 00:30:47,700 on top of the desk than under it. 806 00:30:47,866 --> 00:30:50,703 - It's gonna be all right. - Thank you. 807 00:30:50,869 --> 00:30:53,080 KATHERINE (on monitor): ...because of a coyote warning. 808 00:30:53,247 --> 00:30:55,047 Not to worry, though-- they managed to get out 809 00:30:55,165 --> 00:30:57,626 in the nick of time. Beep, beep. 810 00:30:57,793 --> 00:31:00,045 I don't... I don't understand that. 811 00:31:00,212 --> 00:31:02,274 BRAD (imitating Road Runner): Meep, meep. Meep, meep. 812 00:31:02,298 --> 00:31:03,757 Burditt, what are they doing? 813 00:31:03,924 --> 00:31:05,467 They're practicing the monologue. 814 00:31:05,634 --> 00:31:07,279 - It's the Road Runner thing. - Oh, the Road Runner. 815 00:31:07,303 --> 00:31:09,223 - What, the enemy of Wile E. Coyote? -Meep, meep. 816 00:31:09,346 --> 00:31:10,848 BRAD: Yeah, exactly. 817 00:31:11,015 --> 00:31:12,826 KATHERINE (on computer): Today, while President Bush 818 00:31:12,850 --> 00:31:15,644 underwent a medical procedure, Vice President Dick Cheney 819 00:31:15,811 --> 00:31:17,771 was acting president for two hours and 15 minutes, 820 00:31:17,896 --> 00:31:20,816 which is longer than any woman. 821 00:31:20,983 --> 00:31:23,193 - That's it. That's the joke. - (Laughter) 822 00:31:32,703 --> 00:31:34,431 Okay, so I think we're good for the monologue 823 00:31:34,455 --> 00:31:35,775 unless I'm, uh, missing something. 824 00:31:35,873 --> 00:31:37,333 I have some jokes for the monologue. 825 00:31:38,751 --> 00:31:40,878 Uh, well, you don't write the monologue. 826 00:31:41,045 --> 00:31:42,588 Yeah, but I wrote some jokes for it. 827 00:31:42,755 --> 00:31:43,773 And I have some ideas for Katherine's hair, 828 00:31:43,797 --> 00:31:44,632 but that's not my job. 829 00:31:44,798 --> 00:31:46,300 Seven, shut up. 830 00:31:46,467 --> 00:31:48,135 Eight, for God's sake, go. 831 00:31:49,720 --> 00:31:52,014 I shouldn't do this in an English accent, should I? 832 00:31:52,181 --> 00:31:53,807 No. 833 00:31:53,974 --> 00:31:56,018 Three Republican senators are proposing a bill 834 00:31:56,185 --> 00:31:57,936 to yet again defund Planned Parenthood. 835 00:31:58,103 --> 00:32:00,689 As always, the men most obsessed with women's sex lives 836 00:32:00,856 --> 00:32:02,256 are the ones getting laid the least. 837 00:32:02,399 --> 00:32:03,918 - (Chuckles) - I never thought I'd say this, 838 00:32:03,942 --> 00:32:05,503 but thank God I'm going through menopause. 839 00:32:05,527 --> 00:32:07,279 Good Lord, Eight. 840 00:32:07,446 --> 00:32:09,286 Well, you're the only late-night talk-show host 841 00:32:09,406 --> 00:32:10,574 who can make that joke. 842 00:32:10,741 --> 00:32:11,885 Plus, you're pro-choice, aren't you? 843 00:32:11,909 --> 00:32:13,577 I am. What do you think, Seven? 844 00:32:13,744 --> 00:32:15,597 My philosophy is that the show is generally better 845 00:32:15,621 --> 00:32:17,057 without the specter of abortion in it. 846 00:32:17,081 --> 00:32:18,281 But, you know, that's just me. 847 00:32:18,332 --> 00:32:20,125 I think it's audacious. 848 00:32:20,292 --> 00:32:22,920 Do... do people really want to hear about menopause? 849 00:32:23,087 --> 00:32:24,380 'Cause I-I don't. 850 00:32:24,546 --> 00:32:25,826 I don't know, I kind of liked it. 851 00:32:25,923 --> 00:32:27,508 BRAD: No, no, it is too political. 852 00:32:27,675 --> 00:32:29,802 - We don't do that. - We haven't done that in a while. 853 00:32:29,968 --> 00:32:31,288 Okay, so we'll start with fracking 854 00:32:31,345 --> 00:32:33,055 and we work our way up to abortion. 855 00:32:33,222 --> 00:32:35,766 People would talk about it, for sure. And you believe it. 856 00:32:36,809 --> 00:32:38,227 It's a bit long. 857 00:32:38,394 --> 00:32:40,979 Trim it and put it in the monologue. 858 00:32:42,231 --> 00:32:43,482 Okay. 859 00:32:43,649 --> 00:32:45,859 KATHERINE (over monitor): ...to Vegas, 860 00:32:46,026 --> 00:32:47,319 40 tourists were... 861 00:32:47,486 --> 00:32:49,113 Listen, you've written it out with 40. 862 00:32:49,279 --> 00:32:50,489 No, not make it bigger. 863 00:32:50,656 --> 00:32:52,376 - Make it wide... - That's got to be a word. 864 00:32:52,491 --> 00:32:54,291 - BRAD: Yeah. - Okay, but don't change it now. 865 00:32:54,326 --> 00:32:55,661 There's no point. Okay. 866 00:32:55,828 --> 00:32:57,388 Today, in Las Vegas, 40 tourists were... 867 00:32:57,413 --> 00:32:58,773 Burditt, I'm going to the bathroom. 868 00:32:58,872 --> 00:33:01,083 You never have to tell me that. 869 00:33:02,126 --> 00:33:05,003 ♪ ♪ 870 00:33:05,170 --> 00:33:07,131 - (bell rings) - (indistinct chatter) 871 00:33:13,804 --> 00:33:16,390 "I have spread my dreams under your feet. 872 00:33:16,557 --> 00:33:19,935 Tread softly because you tread on my dreams." 873 00:33:20,102 --> 00:33:21,979 Is that William Butler Yeats? 874 00:33:22,146 --> 00:33:24,148 - Oh. - (Band warming up) 875 00:33:24,314 --> 00:33:26,692 - Uh, yeah, it is. - You're not supposed to be here. 876 00:33:26,859 --> 00:33:29,987 - What? - (Band playing show theme) 877 00:33:30,154 --> 00:33:31,613 - All right. - (Cheering, applause) 878 00:33:39,371 --> 00:33:40,914 Mimi Mismatch is here. 879 00:33:41,081 --> 00:33:42,708 I got a selfie. 880 00:33:42,875 --> 00:33:45,085 Maybe now my daughters will start talking to me again. 881 00:33:45,252 --> 00:33:47,755 So, you're doing the Planned Parenthood joke? 882 00:33:47,921 --> 00:33:50,424 - Mm-hmm. - Be careful of showing who you are. 883 00:33:50,591 --> 00:33:52,217 Once you turn that switch on, 884 00:33:52,384 --> 00:33:54,094 you can never turn it off again. 885 00:34:01,685 --> 00:34:04,438 ANNOUNCER: Katherine Newbury. 886 00:34:04,605 --> 00:34:06,231 - (Crowd laughing) - Yeah. 887 00:34:06,398 --> 00:34:09,860 And I have not seen anyone so poorly received 888 00:34:10,027 --> 00:34:11,463 since I took a peanut butter sandwich 889 00:34:11,487 --> 00:34:12,613 into an elementary school. 890 00:34:12,780 --> 00:34:15,616 (Laughter) 891 00:34:17,326 --> 00:34:19,912 It was announced today Starbucks will no longer 892 00:34:20,078 --> 00:34:21,997 be requiring a purchase to use their restrooms. 893 00:34:22,164 --> 00:34:24,875 Oh, no. I'm worried they might get disgusting. 894 00:34:25,042 --> 00:34:26,126 (Laughter) 895 00:34:26,293 --> 00:34:27,544 (whispers): My joke's next. 896 00:34:27,711 --> 00:34:28,796 (Chuckles) Yeah. 897 00:34:35,511 --> 00:34:38,305 So, there's an owl that's been dive-bombing tourists 898 00:34:38,472 --> 00:34:40,057 - in Times Square. - She skipped it. 899 00:34:40,224 --> 00:34:41,600 KATHERINE: Very dramatic. 900 00:34:41,767 --> 00:34:43,407 Not the only species angry about the price 901 00:34:43,477 --> 00:34:47,105 - of Hamilton tickets, I see. - (Laughter) 902 00:34:47,272 --> 00:34:49,274 (band playing show theme) 903 00:34:49,441 --> 00:34:50,859 We're back. I'm excited. 904 00:34:51,026 --> 00:34:53,987 I'm here with YouTube phenomenon Mimi Mismatch. 905 00:34:54,154 --> 00:34:56,490 - (Cheering) - (Mimi laughing) 906 00:34:59,660 --> 00:35:02,663 And the bit that launched you into superstardom, really, 907 00:35:02,830 --> 00:35:06,166 was you with your dog... Lenny. Here he is. 908 00:35:06,333 --> 00:35:08,836 And you sniffing his butt, sniffing Lenny's butt, 909 00:35:09,002 --> 00:35:11,463 and you pretend to faint. 910 00:35:11,630 --> 00:35:13,757 (Laughter, applause) 911 00:35:13,924 --> 00:35:16,343 Because it smelled real bad. Yeah. 912 00:35:16,510 --> 00:35:20,305 And, um, how on earth did you come up with that? 913 00:35:20,472 --> 00:35:22,641 My dog Lenny had colitis 914 00:35:22,808 --> 00:35:26,395 and, for a while, had a real smelly butt. 915 00:35:26,562 --> 00:35:29,356 So I took my life, and I filmed it, 916 00:35:29,523 --> 00:35:32,734 because I find that the best comedy comes from truth. 917 00:35:32,901 --> 00:35:34,236 How wise. 918 00:35:34,403 --> 00:35:36,613 And these little videos of yours 919 00:35:36,780 --> 00:35:39,283 are your, as it were, contribution to the world? 920 00:35:39,449 --> 00:35:42,619 Your way of pushing mankind forward? 921 00:35:42,786 --> 00:35:44,413 - (Laughter) - Well, they're fun. 922 00:35:44,580 --> 00:35:47,749 What would you say was your calling? 923 00:35:47,916 --> 00:35:49,626 My calling? 924 00:35:49,793 --> 00:35:51,873 Yes, I mean, what is it you're most passionate about? 925 00:35:51,962 --> 00:35:54,798 Is it dog butt videos, or would you ever expand 926 00:35:54,965 --> 00:35:57,593 into... cat butt videos, say? 927 00:35:57,759 --> 00:36:00,137 (Crowd laughing, groaning) 928 00:36:00,304 --> 00:36:01,889 I know what you're doing. 929 00:36:02,055 --> 00:36:03,932 - Excuse me? - You're mocking me. 930 00:36:04,099 --> 00:36:07,019 You think that because my videos are light and silly 931 00:36:07,185 --> 00:36:09,605 that I'm somehow intellectually inferior to you? 932 00:36:09,771 --> 00:36:11,857 The only reason that I said yes to this talk show 933 00:36:12,024 --> 00:36:14,443 is because my mom said you were smart. 934 00:36:14,610 --> 00:36:16,987 But now I see that you are just a bitter, out of touch, 935 00:36:17,154 --> 00:36:19,074 - old lady who's mean to people she's... -Go, go. 936 00:36:19,114 --> 00:36:20,800 - ...never even met before. - Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. 937 00:36:20,824 --> 00:36:22,343 - (Band playing) -And the fact of the matter is... 938 00:36:22,367 --> 00:36:24,167 is that you need me, not the other way around. 939 00:36:24,244 --> 00:36:25,078 Bye. 940 00:36:25,245 --> 00:36:27,456 ♪ ♪ 941 00:36:28,665 --> 00:36:30,584 - (buzzer blares) - Uh, I don't know. 942 00:36:30,751 --> 00:36:32,628 - I'm sorry about that. - Did you not prep her? 943 00:36:32,794 --> 00:36:34,671 (Horn honking) 944 00:36:34,838 --> 00:36:36,381 - Who here is good at sex? - MAN: Yeah! 945 00:36:36,548 --> 00:36:38,151 - (Cheering, whooping) - Oh, all right, okay. 946 00:36:38,175 --> 00:36:40,093 - (Laughter) - Now, I think 947 00:36:40,260 --> 00:36:42,220 that we're all about the same. 948 00:36:42,387 --> 00:36:45,974 All right? 'Cause the truth is there are like ten sex acts. 949 00:36:46,141 --> 00:36:48,518 And-and if you're... if you're an average American guy, 950 00:36:48,685 --> 00:36:50,604 you only need to do the first five. 951 00:36:50,771 --> 00:36:52,147 - (Laughter) - That thought is 952 00:36:52,314 --> 00:36:53,914 entering your head: "I'm gonna go to six. 953 00:36:53,982 --> 00:36:55,233 I'm going..." Especially you. 954 00:36:55,400 --> 00:36:57,653 - Do not go to six. - (Laughter) 955 00:36:57,819 --> 00:37:01,865 'Cause everybody's number six is different. 956 00:37:02,032 --> 00:37:03,158 What was your favorite part? 957 00:37:03,325 --> 00:37:04,660 MOLLY: You assumed I had one? 958 00:37:04,826 --> 00:37:06,787 Yeah. I was watching you, and you liked it. 959 00:37:06,954 --> 00:37:08,205 I did like it. 960 00:37:08,372 --> 00:37:10,415 I-I like how relaxed you are. 961 00:37:10,582 --> 00:37:12,501 Like you're not doing it for them. 962 00:37:12,668 --> 00:37:14,086 You know, you're doing it for you. 963 00:37:14,252 --> 00:37:16,380 I've never been relaxed a day in my life. 964 00:37:16,546 --> 00:37:18,131 No, I know, you're the hardest worker 965 00:37:18,298 --> 00:37:19,800 I've ever met, besides Tom. 966 00:37:19,967 --> 00:37:22,010 Which is probably why he's so threatened by you. 967 00:37:22,177 --> 00:37:23,905 Well, he shouldn't be. Katherine cut my joke. 968 00:37:23,929 --> 00:37:26,139 It was so embarrassing. I told my mom to watch. 969 00:37:26,306 --> 00:37:28,266 Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no, no. 970 00:37:28,433 --> 00:37:30,310 Never tell your parents to watch the show. 971 00:37:30,477 --> 00:37:33,063 That's like guaranteeing that they cut your joke. 972 00:37:33,230 --> 00:37:36,024 Also, um, get ready for this. 973 00:37:36,191 --> 00:37:38,860 Like, you'll spend all day writing 50 jokes, 974 00:37:39,027 --> 00:37:42,155 and they'll cut all of them, and you will have achieved 975 00:37:42,322 --> 00:37:46,159 as much as if you just stayed at home and called in sick. 976 00:37:46,326 --> 00:37:47,536 Okay. 977 00:37:47,703 --> 00:37:49,621 - So let me get this straight. - Mm-hmm. 978 00:37:49,788 --> 00:37:51,581 - Never use the women's restroom. - Mm-hmm. 979 00:37:51,748 --> 00:37:53,388 Never tell your parents to watch the show. 980 00:37:53,458 --> 00:37:55,043 - Mm-hmm. - Don't decorate your office. 981 00:37:55,210 --> 00:37:56,771 - And be fine being completely obsolete. - (Chuckling) 982 00:37:56,795 --> 00:37:58,880 So just don't enjoy your job. 983 00:37:59,047 --> 00:38:02,300 - Uh, exactly. Yeah. - Oh. 984 00:38:02,467 --> 00:38:04,469 Oh, Tom tells me you do stand-up. 985 00:38:04,636 --> 00:38:06,138 - Are you good? - Oh, no. 986 00:38:06,304 --> 00:38:08,557 No, it's just a way for me to test out material. 987 00:38:08,724 --> 00:38:10,142 I am emceeing a show soon. 988 00:38:10,308 --> 00:38:12,477 It's a benefit for lung cancer. 989 00:38:12,644 --> 00:38:14,646 That's random. 990 00:38:14,813 --> 00:38:17,399 Not really. My dad died from it. 991 00:38:17,566 --> 00:38:19,192 Oh, fuck. (Stammers) 992 00:38:19,359 --> 00:38:21,069 Uh, were you close? 993 00:38:21,236 --> 00:38:22,404 - With my father? - Well... 994 00:38:22,571 --> 00:38:23,771 (laughing): Yeah, I was. I was. 995 00:38:23,905 --> 00:38:25,385 - Now I feel I bad. - Fuck. I'm sorry. 996 00:38:25,532 --> 00:38:26,634 - I'm sorry. - No, I'm sorry. 997 00:38:26,658 --> 00:38:29,077 Do you need a-a good-looking, 998 00:38:29,244 --> 00:38:32,456 moderately funny stand-up to-to close out the night? 999 00:38:32,622 --> 00:38:34,499 - Wait, really? - Do you know any? 1000 00:38:34,666 --> 00:38:36,460 (Laughs) That would be amazing. 1001 00:38:36,626 --> 00:38:38,253 Why would you do that for me? 1002 00:38:38,420 --> 00:38:39,546 Because I'm a nice guy. 1003 00:38:39,713 --> 00:38:41,256 Okay, I know you're not. 1004 00:38:41,423 --> 00:38:43,425 Look, I know what everyone thinks of me. 1005 00:38:43,592 --> 00:38:45,844 But just because I was lucky enough to get this job 1006 00:38:46,011 --> 00:38:47,651 doesn't mean I'm stupid enough to lose it. 1007 00:38:47,721 --> 00:38:49,473 So, if you think you can sleep with me 1008 00:38:49,639 --> 00:38:50,839 'cause you're not gonna see me 1009 00:38:50,974 --> 00:38:52,326 after three months, you're mistaken. 1010 00:38:52,350 --> 00:38:55,145 Who said anything about sleeping together? 1011 00:38:55,312 --> 00:38:57,355 ♪ ♪ 1012 00:38:59,608 --> 00:39:01,151 - ♪ Oh, my, my, my... ♪ - Okay. 1013 00:39:01,318 --> 00:39:02,438 Thank you. I had a nice time. 1014 00:39:02,569 --> 00:39:03,737 "Thank you"? Wait, whoa, whoa. 1015 00:39:03,904 --> 00:39:04,922 Wait, wait. Where are you going? 1016 00:39:04,946 --> 00:39:06,031 Come over. 1017 00:39:06,198 --> 00:39:07,616 Oh. No. 1018 00:39:07,783 --> 00:39:09,159 No. Thank you. Thank you. 1019 00:39:09,326 --> 00:39:10,726 I just don't think it's a good idea. 1020 00:39:10,827 --> 00:39:12,788 Uh, yeah, no, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1021 00:39:12,954 --> 00:39:13,997 We-we can do this dance. 1022 00:39:14,164 --> 00:39:15,832 - Dance? - Yeah. 1023 00:39:15,999 --> 00:39:18,293 You won't sleep with me now, but you will in three weeks. 1024 00:39:18,460 --> 00:39:20,170 That's... I get it. It's a feminist thing. 1025 00:39:20,337 --> 00:39:21,421 Are you kidding? 1026 00:39:21,588 --> 00:39:23,090 Has this ever worked before? 1027 00:39:23,256 --> 00:39:24,716 (Cell phone chimes) 1028 00:39:26,551 --> 00:39:27,928 Oh, no. 1029 00:39:28,095 --> 00:39:29,387 What? 1030 00:39:29,554 --> 00:39:32,140 The Mimi interview went viral in a bad way. 1031 00:39:32,307 --> 00:39:34,935 (Crowd groaning, murmuring) 1032 00:39:36,645 --> 00:39:38,980 MIMI: You are just a bitter, out of touch, old lady 1033 00:39:39,147 --> 00:39:42,442 who's mean to people she's never even met before, and... 1034 00:39:45,529 --> 00:39:47,781 (phone ringing) 1035 00:39:47,948 --> 00:39:51,201 BRAD: The Mimi thing will blow over. 1036 00:39:51,368 --> 00:39:53,370 Am I like your least favorite aunt? 1037 00:39:53,537 --> 00:39:55,580 All my aunts are dead. 1038 00:39:58,291 --> 00:40:00,669 I need a publicist. 1039 00:40:00,836 --> 00:40:03,296 ROBIN: Making you accessible to the average American-- 1040 00:40:03,463 --> 00:40:04,464 that's what I do best. 1041 00:40:04,631 --> 00:40:05,871 I told Leo, "You want an Oscar? 1042 00:40:05,966 --> 00:40:07,134 Fight a bear." 1043 00:40:07,300 --> 00:40:08,700 You're not above the American public 1044 00:40:08,802 --> 00:40:10,971 or looking down at them. You are one of them. 1045 00:40:11,138 --> 00:40:12,990 - You're America's sweetheart, baby. - (Brad laughs) 1046 00:40:13,014 --> 00:40:15,076 But you got to put in face time with these journalists, 1047 00:40:15,100 --> 00:40:16,577 because they don't want to talk to me, and they certainly 1048 00:40:16,601 --> 00:40:17,394 don't want to talk to Brad. No offense. 1049 00:40:17,561 --> 00:40:18,770 Yeah, no, no. None taken. 1050 00:40:18,937 --> 00:40:20,248 I've been told I have no charisma. 1051 00:40:20,272 --> 00:40:22,649 Exactly. So, what if we threw a party 1052 00:40:22,816 --> 00:40:24,651 at your house and invited the press? 1053 00:40:24,818 --> 00:40:26,653 They could see you in your element. 1054 00:40:26,820 --> 00:40:29,281 You are not some cold witch who hates children. 1055 00:40:29,447 --> 00:40:31,950 You're cozy and domestic. 1056 00:40:32,117 --> 00:40:33,719 - I don't entertain. - You're an entertainer. 1057 00:40:33,743 --> 00:40:35,513 - I'm bad at small talk. - You're a talk-show host. 1058 00:40:35,537 --> 00:40:37,640 - I'm not a people person. - Oh, honey, that's ridiculous. 1059 00:40:37,664 --> 00:40:39,207 If you want to turn this ship around, 1060 00:40:39,374 --> 00:40:40,625 you're gonna have to be. 1061 00:40:40,792 --> 00:40:42,794 How do you feel about extensions? 1062 00:40:42,961 --> 00:40:45,005 ♪ ♪ 1063 00:40:47,424 --> 00:40:50,468 Holy shit, honey. 1064 00:40:50,635 --> 00:40:52,179 (Chuckles) 1065 00:40:52,345 --> 00:40:55,223 (whispers): Oh, what am I doing here? 1066 00:40:55,390 --> 00:40:57,309 DANIEL: That's right. What's up, baby? 1067 00:40:57,475 --> 00:40:58,786 - Yes. Blah... - WOMAN: Hey, Daniel. 1068 00:40:58,810 --> 00:41:00,312 MAN: Daniel, you're funny, man. 1069 00:41:00,478 --> 00:41:02,522 Is that, um, that comedian, Daniel... 1070 00:41:02,689 --> 00:41:04,441 - Daniel Tennant. - Hmm. 1071 00:41:04,608 --> 00:41:07,194 (Sighs) Billy Kastner's done amazing things with his career. 1072 00:41:07,360 --> 00:41:08,486 "You're welcome, America." 1073 00:41:08,653 --> 00:41:09,905 - (Chuckles) - BRAD: Oh. 1074 00:41:10,071 --> 00:41:11,431 We're gonna get you some face time. 1075 00:41:11,573 --> 00:41:13,742 You got to just, you know, be cool about it. 1076 00:41:18,830 --> 00:41:20,081 Steve Martin gave it to her. 1077 00:41:20,248 --> 00:41:21,583 Costs more than my apartment. 1078 00:41:21,750 --> 00:41:24,085 It's so beautiful. 1079 00:41:24,252 --> 00:41:25,462 Mm. 1080 00:41:25,629 --> 00:41:26,880 Is that a tag? 1081 00:41:27,047 --> 00:41:28,423 Hmm? No. 1082 00:41:28,590 --> 00:41:30,717 - Well... - Oh, God. 1083 00:41:30,884 --> 00:41:32,427 Fuck. 1084 00:41:32,594 --> 00:41:34,262 Um, what are you doing after this? 1085 00:41:35,555 --> 00:41:37,098 I don't know. 1086 00:41:37,265 --> 00:41:39,059 But I w-will keep you posted. 1087 00:41:43,396 --> 00:41:44,814 - CHARLIE: Hello. - Oh, God. 1088 00:41:44,981 --> 00:41:47,025 - I thought you could use this. - Oh, I could. 1089 00:41:47,192 --> 00:41:48,711 - (Charlie chuckles) - (Katherine sighs) 1090 00:41:48,735 --> 00:41:52,280 I have never fake-smiled so much in my life. 1091 00:41:52,447 --> 00:41:54,574 - Is it obvious? - Very. Yeah. 1092 00:41:54,741 --> 00:41:56,910 It's-it's the same smile you had 1093 00:41:57,077 --> 00:41:58,870 when you lost your first Emmy to John Oliver. 1094 00:41:59,037 --> 00:42:00,330 (Both chuckling) 1095 00:42:00,497 --> 00:42:02,016 - Thank you so much for reminding me. - Yeah. 1096 00:42:02,040 --> 00:42:03,684 - Have you got a cigarette? - CHARLIE: Yeah. 1097 00:42:03,708 --> 00:42:06,336 I was... yeah, I was wondering if I'd get a... 1098 00:42:06,503 --> 00:42:08,880 - a chance to talk to you alone. - Stop it, Charlie. 1099 00:42:09,047 --> 00:42:11,549 It was a mistake, and it'll never happen again. 1100 00:42:13,760 --> 00:42:16,179 And that's how I got involved in that charity. 1101 00:42:16,346 --> 00:42:18,515 I'm gonna go talk to some other people. 1102 00:42:20,016 --> 00:42:21,977 - Oh! -Oh, God. - Oh, shit. 1103 00:42:22,143 --> 00:42:24,771 - Oh, I'm so sorry. - Oh, I just got this blazer. 1104 00:42:24,938 --> 00:42:26,648 I need it for "Lampoon" hazing next week. 1105 00:42:26,815 --> 00:42:28,233 TOM: Hayes, remember Molly? 1106 00:42:28,400 --> 00:42:31,278 Yes. Hey, I'm so happy that you got that job. 1107 00:42:31,444 --> 00:42:32,696 It's really cool they did that. 1108 00:42:32,862 --> 00:42:33,863 - It's important. - Yeah. 1109 00:42:34,030 --> 00:42:35,699 Yeah, I think it's important 1110 00:42:35,865 --> 00:42:38,868 that they hire the funniest, most qualified people, too. 1111 00:42:44,624 --> 00:42:47,252 (Piano playing slow melody) 1112 00:43:02,517 --> 00:43:04,394 Damn it. 1113 00:43:09,274 --> 00:43:10,942 Can I help you? 1114 00:43:11,109 --> 00:43:13,278 Uh, sorry, I just thought this was an empty room. 1115 00:43:13,445 --> 00:43:15,113 Why were you looking for an empty room? 1116 00:43:15,280 --> 00:43:18,491 Uh, just to be alone for a minute. 1117 00:43:18,658 --> 00:43:20,368 Not to steal anything. 1118 00:43:20,535 --> 00:43:23,371 Uh, although you have a lot of really nice stuff in here. 1119 00:43:23,538 --> 00:43:25,832 I'm not a thief, though. My name is Molly. 1120 00:43:25,999 --> 00:43:27,876 Hello, Molly, who's not a thief. 1121 00:43:28,043 --> 00:43:30,420 I know who you are, by the way. 1122 00:43:30,587 --> 00:43:32,422 You're Walter Lovell. 1123 00:43:32,589 --> 00:43:35,425 It's such an honor to meet you. You were one of the greats. 1124 00:43:35,592 --> 00:43:36,926 "Were." Jesus Christ. 1125 00:43:37,093 --> 00:43:38,428 Oh, no, no. 1126 00:43:38,595 --> 00:43:41,139 No, I mean, you're still amazing. (Chuckles) 1127 00:43:41,306 --> 00:43:43,892 I mean, aren't you a professor emeritus at NYU? 1128 00:43:44,059 --> 00:43:45,286 "Emeritus" is what they call you 1129 00:43:45,310 --> 00:43:46,561 when you're not dead yet 1130 00:43:46,728 --> 00:43:48,229 but they don't want you to come in. 1131 00:43:48,396 --> 00:43:49,564 (Chuckles) 1132 00:43:49,731 --> 00:43:51,566 I actually know what that's like. 1133 00:43:51,733 --> 00:43:52,984 I write on the show. 1134 00:43:53,151 --> 00:43:54,611 Your wife doesn't like me very much. 1135 00:43:54,778 --> 00:43:56,529 - Mm. - Why aren't you downstairs 1136 00:43:56,696 --> 00:43:58,114 with the rest of the party? 1137 00:43:58,281 --> 00:44:00,116 I think people have a better time 1138 00:44:00,283 --> 00:44:03,244 when they don't have to pretend they don't notice me twitching. 1139 00:44:03,411 --> 00:44:04,829 It's called neuropathy. 1140 00:44:04,996 --> 00:44:07,707 One of the symptoms of Parkinson's disease. 1141 00:44:07,874 --> 00:44:09,125 A piece of advice: 1142 00:44:09,292 --> 00:44:11,252 don't marry a man until he gives you 1143 00:44:11,419 --> 00:44:13,421 a complete genetic profile. 1144 00:44:13,588 --> 00:44:15,840 (Chuckles) Luckily for me, there is 1145 00:44:16,007 --> 00:44:17,801 literally no interest from any man. 1146 00:44:17,967 --> 00:44:20,804 About Katherine: 1147 00:44:20,970 --> 00:44:22,680 Be useful. 1148 00:44:22,847 --> 00:44:25,392 Make it so that even if she doesn't like you, 1149 00:44:25,558 --> 00:44:27,060 she needs you. 1150 00:44:29,646 --> 00:44:31,064 If it's okay with you, 1151 00:44:31,231 --> 00:44:32,941 I'd like to stay here a little while 1152 00:44:33,108 --> 00:44:34,484 and just listen to you play. 1153 00:44:34,651 --> 00:44:36,319 All right. 1154 00:44:37,862 --> 00:44:39,906 ♪ ♪ 1155 00:44:42,742 --> 00:44:44,994 You have said "the only true meritocracy is in comedy." 1156 00:44:45,161 --> 00:44:46,641 Indeed, yes. I mean, it doesn't matter 1157 00:44:46,704 --> 00:44:48,184 where you're from, what you look like, 1158 00:44:48,248 --> 00:44:49,833 how much money your parents have. 1159 00:44:49,999 --> 00:44:51,960 Funny is funny, and that's meritocracy. 1160 00:44:52,127 --> 00:44:53,420 As long as you're white, 1161 00:44:53,586 --> 00:44:55,630 male and from an elite college, right? 1162 00:44:55,797 --> 00:44:57,917 Because that's all your writing staff is comprised of. 1163 00:44:57,966 --> 00:44:59,467 (Crowd gasping, murmuring) 1164 00:44:59,634 --> 00:45:01,594 MOLLY: I write on the show. 1165 00:45:01,761 --> 00:45:04,472 And I definitely didn't go to a fancy college. 1166 00:45:04,639 --> 00:45:06,159 Tell me, does Katherine know your name? 1167 00:45:06,266 --> 00:45:08,393 I heard she refers to the writers by number. 1168 00:45:10,311 --> 00:45:12,230 I am called Eight. 1169 00:45:12,397 --> 00:45:13,791 - (Crowd murmuring) - Because Katherine said 1170 00:45:13,815 --> 00:45:15,084 she couldn't be bothered to learn 1171 00:45:15,108 --> 00:45:16,484 everyone's name, so she just 1172 00:45:16,651 --> 00:45:18,736 pointed at the writers and shouted numbers 1173 00:45:18,903 --> 00:45:20,822 - and named me Eight. - (Crowd murmuring) 1174 00:45:22,532 --> 00:45:25,243 Yeah, she also keeps us in cages and doesn't feed us. 1175 00:45:25,410 --> 00:45:28,079 - (Laughter) - But she does let us 1176 00:45:28,246 --> 00:45:29,956 go to the bathroom once a day. 1177 00:45:30,123 --> 00:45:31,958 No, of course she knows our names. 1178 00:45:32,125 --> 00:45:34,627 My name is Molly. You have some bad information. 1179 00:45:34,794 --> 00:45:37,130 Yes, you do. This is, of course, Molly. 1180 00:45:37,297 --> 00:45:39,377 - Hi. Hello, Brad. - Everybody, let's make some room. 1181 00:45:39,466 --> 00:45:40,758 KATHERINE: Mm... 1182 00:45:40,925 --> 00:45:43,136 ROBIN: One of the writers, everybody. 1183 00:45:43,303 --> 00:45:45,430 - Hi. - How would you describe Molly? 1184 00:45:45,597 --> 00:45:47,098 Molly? Molly... 1185 00:45:47,265 --> 00:45:49,893 Molly is... (groans) 1186 00:45:50,059 --> 00:45:52,145 She said I was the vibrant splash of color 1187 00:45:52,312 --> 00:45:54,981 on the gray canvas of our writing staff. 1188 00:45:55,148 --> 00:45:56,483 I was really touched. 1189 00:45:56,649 --> 00:45:57,960 - Mm. -And then she said something to me 1190 00:45:57,984 --> 00:45:59,211 - that I will never forget. - Mm-hmm. 1191 00:45:59,235 --> 00:46:00,528 She said to me that, 1192 00:46:00,695 --> 00:46:02,405 despite our very different backgrounds, 1193 00:46:02,572 --> 00:46:04,407 that I reminded her 1194 00:46:04,574 --> 00:46:06,618 - of a younger her. - Younger me. 1195 00:46:06,784 --> 00:46:07,845 - ROBIN: Isn't that wonderful? - (Crowd murmuring) 1196 00:46:07,869 --> 00:46:09,704 I mean... (mimics explosion) 1197 00:46:09,871 --> 00:46:11,956 - Huge. (Laughs) - Mm... 1198 00:46:12,123 --> 00:46:13,976 You know what? Everybody's gonna want to get this. 1199 00:46:14,000 --> 00:46:15,710 - (Cameras clicking) - Let's get a picture 1200 00:46:15,877 --> 00:46:18,838 of Katherine and her beautiful Indian protégée... 1201 00:46:19,005 --> 00:46:20,340 - Molly. - ROBIN: Molly. 1202 00:46:20,507 --> 00:46:22,008 - (Applause) - (cameras continue clicking) 1203 00:46:24,093 --> 00:46:25,279 ROBIN: Oh. You guys getting that? 1204 00:46:25,303 --> 00:46:26,303 (Crowd murmuring) 1205 00:46:26,429 --> 00:46:28,765 MAN: Thank you. 1206 00:46:28,932 --> 00:46:31,017 Yeah, it's pretty good. 1207 00:46:31,184 --> 00:46:33,019 Oh, I think it's going beautifully. 1208 00:46:33,186 --> 00:46:34,187 Mm-hmm. 1209 00:46:34,354 --> 00:46:35,605 You haven't killed anybody yet. 1210 00:46:35,772 --> 00:46:37,166 - KATHERINE: Nope. - (Walter chuckles) 1211 00:46:37,190 --> 00:46:39,651 KATHERINE: But it's still early. 1212 00:46:43,404 --> 00:46:45,198 You want to come over? 1213 00:46:45,365 --> 00:46:47,659 - Uh, yeah, sure. - Oh, excuse me. 1214 00:46:47,825 --> 00:46:49,911 - (Cell phone alarm ringing) - Thank you. 1215 00:46:51,204 --> 00:46:52,330 Oh. (Chuckles) 1216 00:46:52,497 --> 00:46:54,040 Three weeks. Right on time. 1217 00:46:54,207 --> 00:46:55,792 Wait, really? 1218 00:46:55,959 --> 00:46:58,378 (Laughing): No, I just set that before I came over. 1219 00:46:58,545 --> 00:47:00,147 - Very funny. Very, very funny. - Come on. 1220 00:47:00,171 --> 00:47:02,632 Billy Kastner. 1221 00:47:02,799 --> 00:47:04,026 - Hey. - I guess everybody can get 1222 00:47:04,050 --> 00:47:05,051 invited to this party. 1223 00:47:05,218 --> 00:47:06,553 (Chuckles) Uh, I would like 1224 00:47:06,719 --> 00:47:08,680 to introduce you two to Danny Tennant. 1225 00:47:08,846 --> 00:47:10,557 - Danny, Walter Lovell. - Hey, man. 1226 00:47:10,723 --> 00:47:11,975 How you doing, Walter? 1227 00:47:12,141 --> 00:47:13,226 - And, of course... - Wow. 1228 00:47:13,393 --> 00:47:14,894 - Katherine Newbury. - Wow. 1229 00:47:15,061 --> 00:47:16,341 Classiest couple in New York City 1230 00:47:16,437 --> 00:47:17,837 since Diane Sawyer and Mike Nichols. 1231 00:47:17,981 --> 00:47:19,524 Danny here-- very funny, very famous, 1232 00:47:19,691 --> 00:47:21,568 and currently, every female coed 1233 00:47:21,734 --> 00:47:23,361 in the United States wants to lose 1234 00:47:23,528 --> 00:47:25,631 - their virginity to him. - Stop. That's... Just half. 1235 00:47:25,655 --> 00:47:27,365 - Well, that's gonna keep you busy. - Mm. 1236 00:47:27,532 --> 00:47:29,813 And, Katherine, I'm sorry, I have to say, I am such a fan. 1237 00:47:29,909 --> 00:47:32,120 I mean, you were such an inspiration for me growing up. 1238 00:47:32,287 --> 00:47:34,122 And your comedy is so smart. 1239 00:47:34,289 --> 00:47:35,891 You know, I'll-I'll be watching your show, and I have to, like, 1240 00:47:35,915 --> 00:47:37,393 look up half the words you say. (Laughs) 1241 00:47:37,417 --> 00:47:39,502 (chuckles) That's so kind. 1242 00:47:39,669 --> 00:47:42,463 Did you take a shit in anyone's shoes yet? 1243 00:47:42,630 --> 00:47:44,150 - Um... - You know, from your stand-up. 1244 00:47:44,299 --> 00:47:46,139 When you're at parties, you like to take a shit 1245 00:47:46,217 --> 00:47:47,736 - in other people's shoes. - (Laughter) 1246 00:47:47,760 --> 00:47:49,520 That's from the special. You saw the special. 1247 00:47:49,637 --> 00:47:50,739 - BILLY: Yeah, well... - DANIEL: Remember that? 1248 00:47:50,763 --> 00:47:52,724 - Diarrhea! - (Laughter) 1249 00:47:52,890 --> 00:47:55,226 Did you enjoy talking to my writing staff? 1250 00:47:55,393 --> 00:47:58,313 - Yes. Talented guys. - They are. 1251 00:47:58,479 --> 00:48:00,356 Charlie Fain, especially. 1252 00:48:00,523 --> 00:48:03,776 So, Danny, what's next for you? Prank show on MTV? 1253 00:48:03,943 --> 00:48:05,743 Or an arena tour sponsored by an energy drink? 1254 00:48:05,862 --> 00:48:07,155 (Chuckles) No, I think, actually, 1255 00:48:07,322 --> 00:48:08,990 I'm gonna take a little bit of time off, 1256 00:48:09,157 --> 00:48:10,908 you know, and work on some new material 1257 00:48:11,075 --> 00:48:13,620 and just kind of kick around some new ideas and stuff. 1258 00:48:13,786 --> 00:48:15,431 You're at the height of your stand-up career, 1259 00:48:15,455 --> 00:48:17,123 and you're stopping to kick around ideas? 1260 00:48:19,334 --> 00:48:20,877 Yeah. 1261 00:48:23,296 --> 00:48:24,547 Oh. 1262 00:48:24,714 --> 00:48:26,424 Daniel Tennant?! 1263 00:48:26,591 --> 00:48:29,719 You're replacing me with Daniel fucking Tennant?! 1264 00:48:29,886 --> 00:48:31,488 We're in negotiations with him. Thank you, Margaret. 1265 00:48:31,512 --> 00:48:32,722 You cannot do this. 1266 00:48:32,889 --> 00:48:34,409 We are working on something back there. 1267 00:48:34,557 --> 00:48:36,557 - You have to give us a chance. - You had a chance. 1268 00:48:36,684 --> 00:48:39,062 That's what ten years of ratings decline is. 1269 00:48:39,228 --> 00:48:40,788 Look, you can make it easy for yourself. 1270 00:48:40,938 --> 00:48:42,774 You can welcome him in, make it seem like 1271 00:48:42,940 --> 00:48:44,192 you were part of the decision. 1272 00:48:44,359 --> 00:48:45,568 Or it can be hard. 1273 00:48:45,735 --> 00:48:47,111 The choice is entirely up to you. 1274 00:48:47,278 --> 00:48:49,030 Believe me, I take no pleasure in this. 1275 00:48:49,197 --> 00:48:50,823 Oh, for God's sake, do me the courtesy 1276 00:48:50,990 --> 00:48:52,825 of at least not lying to my face. 1277 00:48:52,992 --> 00:48:55,286 (Laughing): Fine. I take a great deal of pleasure in this. 1278 00:48:55,453 --> 00:48:58,331 Katherine, did you ever wonder if I think you're funny? 1279 00:48:58,498 --> 00:48:59,874 No. 1280 00:49:00,041 --> 00:49:01,477 Do you think I should think you're funny, 1281 00:49:01,501 --> 00:49:02,895 as president of the network you're on? 1282 00:49:02,919 --> 00:49:05,463 I've seen six presidents of this network 1283 00:49:05,630 --> 00:49:07,215 come and go while I've been here. 1284 00:49:07,382 --> 00:49:10,385 Somalian fucking warlords have more job stability. 1285 00:49:10,551 --> 00:49:12,261 You didn't answer my question. 1286 00:49:12,428 --> 00:49:15,640 If you're asking me if I've ever respected your taste, 1287 00:49:15,807 --> 00:49:18,142 then the answer, Caroline, is no. 1288 00:49:18,309 --> 00:49:20,978 And if you want to replace me with a meme-- 1289 00:49:21,145 --> 00:49:22,939 a T-shirt of a man who hides his xenophobia 1290 00:49:23,106 --> 00:49:24,691 and, by the way, his hatred of women 1291 00:49:24,857 --> 00:49:27,485 behind a congenial frat-boy persona-- 1292 00:49:27,652 --> 00:49:29,570 just to make yourself seem relevant, 1293 00:49:29,737 --> 00:49:31,447 then, by all means, you go ahead. 1294 00:49:31,614 --> 00:49:34,075 But I will not allow you to destroy the show that I built. 1295 00:49:37,286 --> 00:49:39,330 ♪ ♪ 1296 00:49:51,968 --> 00:49:53,688 You know what's funny? You remember how kids 1297 00:49:53,720 --> 00:49:55,239 used to have those, like, little games in their pocket. 1298 00:49:55,263 --> 00:49:57,223 - We passed on that. - (Indistinct chatter) 1299 00:49:57,390 --> 00:49:59,100 Oh. 1300 00:50:00,101 --> 00:50:01,644 Where are you going? 1301 00:50:01,811 --> 00:50:03,980 Oh, uh, Four and I have that charity comedy event. 1302 00:50:04,147 --> 00:50:06,190 - I'm the emcee. - Well, you're not going. 1303 00:50:06,357 --> 00:50:08,985 I'm so sorry. I have to go. It starts in 30 minutes, 1304 00:50:09,152 --> 00:50:10,862 and there would be no one to replace me. 1305 00:50:11,028 --> 00:50:12,697 And who's going to be replacing you here? 1306 00:50:12,864 --> 00:50:14,591 Look around the room-- all these guys are staying. 1307 00:50:14,615 --> 00:50:16,826 Four's not going. 1308 00:50:16,993 --> 00:50:19,412 - Molly, it's not worth it. - I would listen to that. 1309 00:50:19,579 --> 00:50:21,247 That's pretty good advice. 1310 00:50:22,915 --> 00:50:25,960 I have stayed late every single night this month. 1311 00:50:26,127 --> 00:50:27,795 It's for a charity. 1312 00:50:27,962 --> 00:50:30,243 - I'm sorry, I'm very torn. - Well, you shouldn't be torn, 1313 00:50:30,381 --> 00:50:32,276 and you shouldn't be letting me know that you're torn. 1314 00:50:32,300 --> 00:50:34,069 You can't just download your emotional state onto me 1315 00:50:34,093 --> 00:50:36,763 and hope that your honesty will somehow exonerate you. 1316 00:50:36,929 --> 00:50:38,890 "Upload." 1317 00:50:39,056 --> 00:50:40,516 What? 1318 00:50:40,683 --> 00:50:42,602 Uh, it's-it's "upload your emotional state." 1319 00:50:42,769 --> 00:50:44,395 So, if, um... if you take something 1320 00:50:44,562 --> 00:50:45,873 off the Internet, that's "download." 1321 00:50:45,897 --> 00:50:47,648 If you put something on, that's "upload." 1322 00:50:47,815 --> 00:50:49,668 So, like, if this conversation were the Internet... 1323 00:50:49,692 --> 00:50:52,570 - Shut up, Seven. What the fuck? - Yeah. 1324 00:50:52,737 --> 00:50:55,740 Eight, if you leave, don't come back. 1325 00:50:58,284 --> 00:51:01,162 I made a commitment. I'm sorry. 1326 00:51:04,499 --> 00:51:06,501 - (Door opens, closes) - MANCUSO: Okay. Okay. 1327 00:51:06,667 --> 00:51:08,711 - TOM: Okay, so... - BRAD: Yeah, continue. 1328 00:51:08,878 --> 00:51:10,755 (Quiet chatter) 1329 00:51:10,922 --> 00:51:12,799 Hey, hey, hey. Give me the lineup. 1330 00:51:12,965 --> 00:51:14,717 Thank you. 1331 00:51:16,469 --> 00:51:18,679 (Indistinct chatter) 1332 00:51:22,850 --> 00:51:25,019 Okay, so... okay, so here's the pitch. 1333 00:51:25,186 --> 00:51:26,854 You are a pirate. 1334 00:51:27,021 --> 00:51:28,481 It's 1860s. 1335 00:51:28,648 --> 00:51:31,234 (Conversation continues indistinctly) 1336 00:51:34,195 --> 00:51:35,905 Yeah, no, look, I mean, that's, like, 1337 00:51:36,072 --> 00:51:37,365 well, if it's, like she's got 1338 00:51:37,532 --> 00:51:39,867 - the parrot on her shoulder... - Right. 1339 00:51:40,034 --> 00:51:41,577 My day sucked. 1340 00:51:41,744 --> 00:51:43,246 I was fired from my job. 1341 00:51:43,412 --> 00:51:44,664 No, yeah. 1342 00:51:44,831 --> 00:51:46,457 Really, really, like 15 minutes ago. 1343 00:51:46,624 --> 00:51:50,336 I was actually fired for coming here to be with you guys. 1344 00:51:50,503 --> 00:51:52,338 And now, looking out in the audience, 1345 00:51:52,505 --> 00:51:54,399 (laughing): I'm not sure I made the right decision. 1346 00:51:54,423 --> 00:51:56,133 - (Laughter) - No, but really, 1347 00:51:56,300 --> 00:51:58,094 I got fired, and, um, 1348 00:51:58,261 --> 00:51:59,846 I didn't think that was possible. 1349 00:52:00,012 --> 00:52:03,182 I mean, look at me, guys. 1350 00:52:03,349 --> 00:52:06,853 Look. I am a dark-skinned Indian woman. 1351 00:52:07,019 --> 00:52:08,688 - Aren't I un-fireable? - (Laughter) 1352 00:52:08,855 --> 00:52:11,399 I mean, I'm a token, for God's sakes. You don't... 1353 00:52:11,566 --> 00:52:13,192 Why is this for lung cancer? 1354 00:52:13,359 --> 00:52:15,611 I think the emcee girl's dad died from it. 1355 00:52:15,778 --> 00:52:18,155 - Who's the emcee? - I think she works at Colbert. 1356 00:52:18,322 --> 00:52:20,074 - She works for me. - MOLLY: See, now 1357 00:52:20,241 --> 00:52:22,135 I'm convincing myself that I-I should've been fired. 1358 00:52:22,159 --> 00:52:23,804 - (Laughter) -Thank you so much for being here, and thank you 1359 00:52:23,828 --> 00:52:25,228 for coming out for this great cause. 1360 00:52:25,329 --> 00:52:28,666 Let's keep it going. Our next performer is... 1361 00:52:34,213 --> 00:52:36,507 Our next performer, uh, uh... 1362 00:52:36,674 --> 00:52:39,135 Okay, this is surprising for a-a variety of reasons. 1363 00:52:39,302 --> 00:52:42,221 Our next performer is Katherine Newbury, everyone. 1364 00:52:42,388 --> 00:52:44,640 (Crowd murmuring) 1365 00:52:44,807 --> 00:52:46,726 (cheering and applause) 1366 00:52:46,893 --> 00:52:48,853 Thanks. Thank you. Thank you. 1367 00:52:49,020 --> 00:52:50,646 Thank you so much. Thank you. 1368 00:52:50,813 --> 00:52:52,064 Thank you very much. 1369 00:52:54,275 --> 00:52:55,475 Thank you. Thank you very much. 1370 00:52:55,568 --> 00:52:56,944 Thank you. Now shut up. 1371 00:52:58,237 --> 00:52:59,488 So, I joined Twitter. 1372 00:52:59,655 --> 00:53:01,407 I didn't want to. My publicist made me. 1373 00:53:01,574 --> 00:53:03,868 And... (sighs) I was okay at first. 1374 00:53:04,035 --> 00:53:05,912 I was... with the twittering and the tweeting, 1375 00:53:06,078 --> 00:53:07,830 but do you know where it lost me? 1376 00:53:07,997 --> 00:53:10,833 Fave-ing. Fave-ing. 1377 00:53:11,000 --> 00:53:14,712 Because "fave" is short for "favorite," right? 1378 00:53:14,879 --> 00:53:17,757 But you can only have one favorite. 1379 00:53:17,924 --> 00:53:19,383 You can only have one. 1380 00:53:19,550 --> 00:53:21,636 You can't have lots of favorites. It's stupid. 1381 00:53:23,179 --> 00:53:24,263 F-Faves. Faves. 1382 00:53:24,430 --> 00:53:26,265 They can't all be your favorite. 1383 00:53:26,432 --> 00:53:27,934 It's stupid. 1384 00:53:31,854 --> 00:53:36,192 Lot of Twitter fans in the audience tonight, I see. 1385 00:53:36,359 --> 00:53:39,445 So, that's not working. 1386 00:53:42,323 --> 00:53:45,076 Well, shit, guys. 1387 00:53:45,242 --> 00:53:48,454 I don't know. I just don't know. 1388 00:53:50,039 --> 00:53:51,999 I guess that's why 1389 00:53:52,166 --> 00:53:55,169 they're taking my show away from me. 1390 00:53:55,336 --> 00:53:57,755 - Yeah. - Whoa. 1391 00:53:57,922 --> 00:53:59,966 Yeah, that's happening. 1392 00:54:01,926 --> 00:54:04,887 They're taking my show away, and the thing is... 1393 00:54:09,141 --> 00:54:13,688 The thing is, if they take my show away, 1394 00:54:13,854 --> 00:54:17,608 I do not know what I am going to do. 1395 00:54:19,568 --> 00:54:22,697 I am a woman in my 50s in Hollywood. 1396 00:54:24,657 --> 00:54:26,575 I don't know what I'm going to do. 1397 00:54:26,742 --> 00:54:30,329 In Hollywood, what am I going to do? 1398 00:54:34,333 --> 00:54:36,460 You know what? I've got it. 1399 00:54:38,421 --> 00:54:40,172 I could play Sean Penn's grandmother 1400 00:54:40,339 --> 00:54:42,466 in the movie where he is married to Emma Stone. 1401 00:54:42,633 --> 00:54:45,594 - (Laughter) - His childhood sweetheart. 1402 00:54:45,761 --> 00:54:47,304 It's so unfair. 1403 00:54:47,471 --> 00:54:49,265 I mean, Tom Cruise is the same age as me. 1404 00:54:49,432 --> 00:54:50,850 We're the same age. 1405 00:54:51,017 --> 00:54:52,697 He gets to fight the Mummy. I am the Mummy. 1406 00:54:52,768 --> 00:54:54,246 - (Laughing) - You know what? No, no, no. 1407 00:54:54,270 --> 00:54:55,646 I'm too old to play the Mummy. 1408 00:54:55,813 --> 00:54:57,573 They'd get Anne Hathaway in to play the Mummy 1409 00:54:57,648 --> 00:54:59,008 and put, like, Mummy makeup on her. 1410 00:54:59,150 --> 00:55:00,544 - (Laughter) -I'm probably gonna have to have 1411 00:55:00,568 --> 00:55:02,111 a facelift just to do voice work. 1412 00:55:02,278 --> 00:55:04,655 I'm gonna have to have, like, Botox and lip filler 1413 00:55:04,822 --> 00:55:08,451 just to play the voice of a wise old tree in a Pixar movie. 1414 00:55:08,617 --> 00:55:10,337 - (Laughter) - You know when you're watching 1415 00:55:10,369 --> 00:55:12,538 an awards show, and they play people off with music? 1416 00:55:12,705 --> 00:55:14,582 You know, when they've gone on for too long? 1417 00:55:14,749 --> 00:55:16,476 I feel like that's what they're doing to my life right now. 1418 00:55:16,500 --> 00:55:18,794 They're just, "Get off. Time to die. 1419 00:55:18,961 --> 00:55:20,463 "Just fuck off. 1420 00:55:20,629 --> 00:55:23,257 "Take that old face and just go. 1421 00:55:23,424 --> 00:55:26,177 "Go sit. Go sit in the dark somewhere. 1422 00:55:26,343 --> 00:55:28,012 "You remind us all of our ex-wives. 1423 00:55:28,179 --> 00:55:29,764 Yeah. The older ones." 1424 00:55:29,930 --> 00:55:31,640 (Laughter, applause) 1425 00:55:31,807 --> 00:55:33,225 Thank you. Yeah. 1426 00:55:33,392 --> 00:55:35,728 I hope I earned the privilege of your time. 1427 00:55:35,895 --> 00:55:38,606 (Cheering) 1428 00:55:45,362 --> 00:55:47,114 Thank you, Dee, so very much. 1429 00:55:47,281 --> 00:55:49,492 - Get in the car. - Okay. 1430 00:55:49,658 --> 00:55:51,660 She's coming back. She's coming back! 1431 00:55:51,827 --> 00:55:53,621 Come on, come on, you guys. 1432 00:55:53,788 --> 00:55:55,581 (Frantic chatter) 1433 00:55:55,748 --> 00:55:57,583 Don't push me. Don't push me. 1434 00:55:57,750 --> 00:55:59,752 She's coming back. 1435 00:55:59,919 --> 00:56:02,463 - Uh, um... - Uh... 1436 00:56:02,630 --> 00:56:05,382 (overlapping, indistinct chatter) 1437 00:56:05,549 --> 00:56:07,760 - (door opens) - Hey, hey. Look who's back. 1438 00:56:07,927 --> 00:56:09,279 - Oh, my God. - (Writers murmuring) 1439 00:56:09,303 --> 00:56:11,180 - Hey. - Hey. 1440 00:56:11,347 --> 00:56:13,390 (Sighs) This is my fault. 1441 00:56:13,557 --> 00:56:16,393 You were too scared to tell me what you really think, 1442 00:56:16,560 --> 00:56:18,771 and I think I was too scared to hear the truth. 1443 00:56:21,107 --> 00:56:24,527 I am the only woman in late-night network television, 1444 00:56:24,693 --> 00:56:28,280 but I have been doing the same format and the same jokes-- 1445 00:56:28,447 --> 00:56:32,076 hell, even the same cadences-- as some of these other guys. 1446 00:56:32,243 --> 00:56:33,577 So, what are you saying? 1447 00:56:33,744 --> 00:56:34,888 You want more jokes about female issues? 1448 00:56:34,912 --> 00:56:36,152 No, Seven, I-I'm not asking you 1449 00:56:36,247 --> 00:56:37,847 to write me a tight five on menstruation. 1450 00:56:37,998 --> 00:56:40,167 I just want to say only things I can talk about. 1451 00:56:40,334 --> 00:56:41,978 Nothing is off-limits. If you think it's funny, 1452 00:56:42,002 --> 00:56:43,462 I don't care how personal it is. 1453 00:56:43,629 --> 00:56:46,423 I am a 56-year-old Englishwoman 1454 00:56:46,590 --> 00:56:49,593 who has never given birth or seen a superhero film. 1455 00:56:49,760 --> 00:56:51,303 Write to that. You cannot offend me. 1456 00:56:51,470 --> 00:56:53,931 If you don't know enough about me, come and talk to me. 1457 00:56:54,098 --> 00:56:55,724 I swear I will not scream at you. 1458 00:56:55,891 --> 00:56:58,644 I want it to be specific, and I want it to be political. 1459 00:56:58,811 --> 00:57:00,747 I'm gonna do the abortion joke tomorrow, and, Seven, 1460 00:57:00,771 --> 00:57:02,124 she's writing monologue jokes with you. 1461 00:57:02,148 --> 00:57:03,524 Uh... sorry, I'm not 1462 00:57:03,691 --> 00:57:05,568 a screenwriting course at the JFK Radisson. 1463 00:57:05,734 --> 00:57:07,963 I can't teach a total novice how to write jokes overnight. 1464 00:57:07,987 --> 00:57:10,030 (Chuckles) No. I hate to break this to you, Seven, 1465 00:57:10,197 --> 00:57:11,837 but you're not gonna be teaching anything, 1466 00:57:11,907 --> 00:57:13,909 because I want someone who doesn't think in exactly 1467 00:57:14,076 --> 00:57:16,036 the same way as everyone else in the goddamn room. 1468 00:57:16,078 --> 00:57:17,472 So she's writing monologue jokes with you. 1469 00:57:17,496 --> 00:57:20,207 Listen to me, no matter what you hear-- 1470 00:57:20,374 --> 00:57:22,459 online, from your agents, wherever-- 1471 00:57:22,626 --> 00:57:24,712 believe only this: 1472 00:57:24,879 --> 00:57:26,881 This is my show, 1473 00:57:27,047 --> 00:57:28,841 and I'm not going fucking anywhere. 1474 00:57:29,008 --> 00:57:30,092 (Applause) 1475 00:57:30,259 --> 00:57:31,886 Thank you. Thank you so much. 1476 00:57:32,052 --> 00:57:33,888 We've got a great show for you tonight. 1477 00:57:34,054 --> 00:57:35,514 More good news from Washington. 1478 00:57:35,681 --> 00:57:38,350 Three Republican senators have yet again proposed 1479 00:57:38,517 --> 00:57:40,895 a bill to defund Planned Parenthood. 1480 00:57:41,061 --> 00:57:44,356 As always, the men most obsessed with women's sex lives 1481 00:57:44,523 --> 00:57:46,358 are the ones getting laid the least. 1482 00:57:46,525 --> 00:57:48,235 (Laughter) 1483 00:57:48,402 --> 00:57:49,778 I never thought I'd say this, 1484 00:57:49,945 --> 00:57:51,548 but thank God I'm going through menopause. 1485 00:57:51,572 --> 00:57:54,158 - (Laughter) - ♪ It's how you dance now ♪ 1486 00:57:54,325 --> 00:57:56,493 ♪ Shakin' your hair around ♪ 1487 00:57:56,660 --> 00:57:58,204 - (laughs) - ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ 1488 00:57:58,370 --> 00:58:01,207 ♪ There's only one you, so do it like you do... ♪ 1489 00:58:01,373 --> 00:58:04,001 What exactly is wrong with my bits? 1490 00:58:04,168 --> 00:58:05,711 To be honest, 1491 00:58:05,878 --> 00:58:08,130 you're a little old and a little white. 1492 00:58:08,297 --> 00:58:10,382 Okay. Those are facts. 1493 00:58:10,549 --> 00:58:12,760 What the fuck can I do about that? 1494 00:58:14,428 --> 00:58:17,514 So, recently, someone accused me of being, 1495 00:58:17,681 --> 00:58:20,809 quote, "a little bit old and a little bit white." 1496 00:58:20,976 --> 00:58:23,854 To which I responded: "I'm very old and very white." 1497 00:58:24,021 --> 00:58:26,523 - I never do things halfway. - (Laughter) 1498 00:58:26,690 --> 00:58:28,567 But what can a person like me do about that? 1499 00:58:28,734 --> 00:58:31,028 If I try and fix it, I can come across 1500 00:58:31,195 --> 00:58:33,405 as trying to be some sort of white savior. 1501 00:58:33,572 --> 00:58:35,199 Then I decided I was okay with that, 1502 00:58:35,366 --> 00:58:38,994 so let me introduce you to a new series on Tonight: 1503 00:58:39,161 --> 00:58:41,163 "Katherine Newbury: White Savior." 1504 00:58:41,330 --> 00:58:43,499 My name is Katherine Newbury. Do you watch my show? 1505 00:58:43,666 --> 00:58:44,833 - No. - Nah. 1506 00:58:45,000 --> 00:58:48,003 Okay. Well, that's demoralizing. 1507 00:58:48,170 --> 00:58:50,547 Could you tell me if there's been any instance recently 1508 00:58:50,714 --> 00:58:52,716 where you feel that you've been treated differently 1509 00:58:52,883 --> 00:58:54,385 because of the way you look? 1510 00:58:54,551 --> 00:58:57,054 - Yeah. -I feel like I can never hail a cab. 1511 00:58:57,221 --> 00:58:59,515 You feel like you can never hail a cab? 1512 00:58:59,682 --> 00:59:01,850 Let's see what we can do about that. 1513 00:59:02,017 --> 00:59:03,143 (Whistles) 1514 00:59:03,310 --> 00:59:06,397 Here we go. Ah. 1515 00:59:06,563 --> 00:59:07,982 Hey, um... 1516 00:59:08,148 --> 00:59:09,733 I actually didn't need to go anywhere. 1517 00:59:09,900 --> 00:59:12,278 That doesn't matter. This is how white saviors work. 1518 00:59:12,444 --> 00:59:13,612 (Laughter) 1519 00:59:13,779 --> 00:59:15,447 ♪ It's how you move now ♪ 1520 00:59:15,614 --> 00:59:17,032 (chuckling) 1521 00:59:17,199 --> 00:59:18,426 - ♪ Gettin' your groove out... ♪ - Okay. 1522 00:59:18,450 --> 00:59:19,743 - (Indistinct chatter) - Okay. 1523 00:59:19,910 --> 00:59:21,590 I don't understand why people wouldn't want 1524 00:59:21,745 --> 00:59:24,415 to get to know about great journalists and writers. 1525 00:59:24,581 --> 00:59:26,834 Because that shit is boring. This is a comedy show. 1526 00:59:27,001 --> 00:59:30,004 ANNOUNCER: And now your host, Katherine Newbury. 1527 00:59:30,170 --> 00:59:34,091 Now, you are in a show about teen vampires 1528 00:59:34,258 --> 00:59:36,593 - called Van Helsing Prep. - (Scattered cheers) 1529 00:59:36,760 --> 00:59:39,513 And you play a character called Lydia Stoker. 1530 00:59:39,680 --> 00:59:43,017 I can see they did a lot... a lot of research for this. 1531 00:59:43,183 --> 00:59:44,935 (Both chuckling) 1532 00:59:45,102 --> 00:59:47,271 It's-it's silly. Whatever. It's for teens. 1533 00:59:47,438 --> 00:59:49,440 She actually seems very smart. 1534 00:59:49,606 --> 00:59:51,501 ACTRESS: ...even though she's always in a bikini, 1535 00:59:51,525 --> 00:59:53,628 - which doesn't even really make sense. - I'd watch that show. 1536 00:59:53,652 --> 00:59:55,487 - I'll start to watch that show. - Mm-hmm. 1537 00:59:55,654 --> 00:59:57,614 Kind of a guilty pleasure? 1538 00:59:57,781 --> 00:59:59,033 Well, you know what I think? 1539 01:00:01,368 --> 01:00:03,954 There's no such thing as guilty pleasures-- 1540 01:00:04,121 --> 01:00:05,873 only pleasures-- 1541 01:00:06,040 --> 01:00:09,418 and I think Van Helsing Prep is a real pleasure. 1542 01:00:09,585 --> 01:00:10,878 You've seen it? 1543 01:00:11,045 --> 01:00:12,546 Yes. And your character is reminiscent 1544 01:00:12,713 --> 01:00:14,798 of Tess of the d'Urbervilles. 1545 01:00:16,550 --> 01:00:18,969 I... What I mean is that it is, um... 1546 01:00:19,136 --> 01:00:20,304 it's very hard to pull off. 1547 01:00:20,471 --> 01:00:23,682 Thank you so much for saying that. 1548 01:00:23,849 --> 01:00:25,618 - I mean, I haven't seen every episode. - (Laughter) 1549 01:00:25,642 --> 01:00:27,144 Can I hug you? 1550 01:00:27,311 --> 01:00:28,311 I... Sorry? 1551 01:00:28,395 --> 01:00:30,397 Hug you? 1552 01:00:30,564 --> 01:00:31,764 - She wants to hug you. - Yeah. 1553 01:00:31,857 --> 01:00:32,691 - Hug her. - Yeah. 1554 01:00:32,858 --> 01:00:35,277 Um, yeah, sure. 1555 01:00:35,444 --> 01:00:36,444 ♪ La-la la la ♪ 1556 01:00:36,528 --> 01:00:38,405 (Katherine gasping) 1557 01:00:38,572 --> 01:00:40,240 ♪ I'm gonna dance till I die... ♪ 1558 01:00:40,407 --> 01:00:42,076 - Heavens to Betsy. - (Audience awwing) 1559 01:00:42,242 --> 01:00:44,745 Th-th-there, there, there. There, there. 1560 01:00:44,912 --> 01:00:45,912 Hey. 1561 01:00:45,996 --> 01:00:47,289 Burditt's outside smoking. 1562 01:00:47,456 --> 01:00:49,833 No, I came to talk to you about a bit. 1563 01:00:50,000 --> 01:00:51,418 Katherine helps people 1564 01:00:51,585 --> 01:00:54,171 complain about a messed-up Meal Kwik order? 1565 01:00:54,338 --> 01:00:55,774 I don't even know if it's a thing yet, 1566 01:00:55,798 --> 01:00:57,278 but do you want to work on it with me? 1567 01:00:57,341 --> 01:00:58,884 - With me? - Yeah. 1568 01:00:59,051 --> 01:01:00,528 Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, of course, of course. 1569 01:01:00,552 --> 01:01:01,804 Please. Come in. Welcome. 1570 01:01:01,970 --> 01:01:03,323 - I'll-I'll go get a chair. - Yeah. 1571 01:01:03,347 --> 01:01:04,866 Or even, like, a trash can or whatever. 1572 01:01:04,890 --> 01:01:06,725 - Very funny. - ♪ I'm gonna do it... ♪ 1573 01:01:06,892 --> 01:01:09,686 One of the best parts about being a celebrity 1574 01:01:09,853 --> 01:01:12,898 is that if you complain about something on social media, 1575 01:01:13,065 --> 01:01:15,275 the company actually takes care of it 1576 01:01:15,442 --> 01:01:17,778 because they're scared of bad publicity. 1577 01:01:17,945 --> 01:01:19,585 Nobody cares if your flight gets canceled, 1578 01:01:19,696 --> 01:01:22,366 but if Chrissy Teigen's does, watch out. 1579 01:01:22,533 --> 01:01:25,994 So, I've decided to file your grievances for you. 1580 01:01:26,161 --> 01:01:27,704 So, millennial, how did you feel 1581 01:01:27,871 --> 01:01:30,040 when your burger arrived without fries? 1582 01:01:30,207 --> 01:01:31,727 I-I forgot about it, and then I saw you 1583 01:01:31,875 --> 01:01:33,103 on the street, and you asked me... 1584 01:01:33,127 --> 01:01:35,421 Devastated. Devastated. 1585 01:01:35,587 --> 01:01:37,965 We're so happy we avenged you. 1586 01:01:38,132 --> 01:01:39,800 - Great. Great. - (Cheering and applause) 1587 01:01:39,967 --> 01:01:41,093 Enjoy your fries, everyone. 1588 01:01:41,260 --> 01:01:42,553 REYNOLDS: "Playful viral bits 1589 01:01:42,719 --> 01:01:44,638 and an overall more engaged demeanor." 1590 01:01:44,805 --> 01:01:46,449 - Uh-huh. - "Tonight with Katherine Newbury 1591 01:01:46,473 --> 01:01:48,225 is becoming a must-see once again!" 1592 01:01:48,392 --> 01:01:49,893 (All cheering) 1593 01:01:50,060 --> 01:01:52,354 Now, tell me how you feel you're treated differently 1594 01:01:52,521 --> 01:01:53,856 because of the way you look. 1595 01:01:54,022 --> 01:01:55,375 - Yeah... - Something small, not systemic. 1596 01:01:55,399 --> 01:01:57,039 There's nothing I can do about getting you 1597 01:01:57,067 --> 01:01:58,294 - approved for a bank loan. - (Laughter) 1598 01:01:58,318 --> 01:02:00,821 Into the cab, into the cab. 1599 01:02:00,988 --> 01:02:02,531 ♪ You like it when I do it like that ♪ 1600 01:02:02,698 --> 01:02:04,092 ♪ And I know when we're moving like that ♪ 1601 01:02:04,116 --> 01:02:05,576 (laughing) 1602 01:02:05,742 --> 01:02:07,053 ♪ Ain't nobody else do it like that... ♪ 1603 01:02:07,077 --> 01:02:09,037 - Thank you so much. - You're welcome. 1604 01:02:09,204 --> 01:02:11,123 ♪ You like it when I bring it right back ♪ 1605 01:02:11,290 --> 01:02:13,542 ♪ And I know when we do it like that... ♪ 1606 01:02:13,709 --> 01:02:15,002 No, don't wait up. 1607 01:02:15,169 --> 01:02:17,254 Okay, yeah, I love you. It's all good. 1608 01:02:17,421 --> 01:02:19,298 I'm proud of you, Katie. 1609 01:02:19,465 --> 01:02:21,383 KATHERINE (on computer): Hello, everyone. 1610 01:02:21,550 --> 01:02:22,926 My name is Katherine Newbury. 1611 01:02:23,093 --> 01:02:25,596 Now, let me ask, does anyone in the audience 1612 01:02:25,762 --> 01:02:27,264 suffer from depression? 1613 01:02:27,431 --> 01:02:29,183 No? Nobody? I can't really be the only one. 1614 01:02:29,349 --> 01:02:31,069 Well, I guess depressed people aren't really 1615 01:02:31,101 --> 01:02:33,020 the call-and-response type. 1616 01:02:33,187 --> 01:02:35,039 Now, schizophrenics, on the other hand, they're... 1617 01:02:35,063 --> 01:02:36,773 they're all like, "Here, here, here." 1618 01:02:36,940 --> 01:02:38,358 And that's just one person. 1619 01:02:38,525 --> 01:02:40,085 - (Molly chuckles) - (audience laughing) 1620 01:02:40,194 --> 01:02:42,613 Speaking of depression, this week for me 1621 01:02:42,779 --> 01:02:46,200 has been a total series of disasters. 1622 01:02:46,366 --> 01:02:48,035 (Molly chuckles) 1623 01:02:48,202 --> 01:02:49,912 It's late. 1624 01:02:50,078 --> 01:02:51,556 (Over computer): It's been particularly irritating. 1625 01:02:51,580 --> 01:02:53,832 - (Video stops) - You should be going home. 1626 01:02:56,710 --> 01:02:59,379 Were you really depressed? 1627 01:02:59,546 --> 01:03:01,340 Or was it just part of the act? 1628 01:03:01,507 --> 01:03:02,841 I'm sorry? 1629 01:03:03,008 --> 01:03:05,010 I've watched this stand-up so many times 1630 01:03:05,177 --> 01:03:07,513 when I was growing up, and... 1631 01:03:07,679 --> 01:03:09,097 it always made me feel better. 1632 01:03:09,264 --> 01:03:10,784 You know, like, she's talking about it, 1633 01:03:10,933 --> 01:03:13,727 and she's being so funny, so... 1634 01:03:13,894 --> 01:03:17,147 I must not be weird for feeling this way. 1635 01:03:19,775 --> 01:03:21,610 Yes, I was. 1636 01:03:21,777 --> 01:03:23,237 Depressed. 1637 01:03:23,403 --> 01:03:24,905 I still am. 1638 01:03:25,072 --> 01:03:26,448 Come with me. 1639 01:03:29,159 --> 01:03:31,870 ♪ ♪ 1640 01:03:32,037 --> 01:03:34,081 And here we are. 1641 01:03:34,248 --> 01:03:36,041 Oh, my God. 1642 01:03:36,208 --> 01:03:38,377 How many Emmys do you have? 1643 01:03:38,544 --> 01:03:40,337 And a Golden Globe? (Gasps) 1644 01:03:40,504 --> 01:03:41,922 You were knighted? 1645 01:03:42,089 --> 01:03:44,174 You're Dame Katherine Newbury? 1646 01:03:44,341 --> 01:03:46,218 Mm-hmm. "Knight" sounds so much better 1647 01:03:46,385 --> 01:03:47,625 than "Dame," though, doesn't it? 1648 01:03:47,761 --> 01:03:49,137 "Knight" is Lancelot and romance, 1649 01:03:49,304 --> 01:03:51,056 "Dame" just the old bag who takes too long 1650 01:03:51,223 --> 01:03:52,599 in the grocery checkout line. 1651 01:03:55,269 --> 01:03:57,104 Wow. 1652 01:03:57,271 --> 01:03:59,189 Burditt is a baby in this photo. 1653 01:03:59,356 --> 01:04:01,733 That was the first year we won the Emmy. 1654 01:04:01,900 --> 01:04:03,694 It was good stuff back then. 1655 01:04:03,860 --> 01:04:06,196 Oh, that must be Tom's dad-- I-I mean Seven's dad. 1656 01:04:06,363 --> 01:04:09,116 Must be nice to inherit a job from your father. 1657 01:04:09,283 --> 01:04:11,493 You know, he's not terrible just 'cause he's privileged. 1658 01:04:11,660 --> 01:04:14,746 If his very worst qualities are elitism and snobbery, 1659 01:04:14,913 --> 01:04:16,748 that's not really all that bad, is it? 1660 01:04:16,915 --> 01:04:19,668 Yeah, well, he thinks I'm a diversity hire. 1661 01:04:19,835 --> 01:04:21,336 You are a diversity hire. 1662 01:04:22,713 --> 01:04:24,089 What? You think no one ever 1663 01:04:24,256 --> 01:04:26,008 accused me of sleeping my way to the top? 1664 01:04:26,174 --> 01:04:27,634 I mean, the point is, you're here. 1665 01:04:27,801 --> 01:04:29,601 And if you want people to see you as something 1666 01:04:29,678 --> 01:04:33,473 other than a diversity hire, you have to make them. 1667 01:04:33,640 --> 01:04:37,603 It's not fair, but it never is for women. 1668 01:04:37,769 --> 01:04:40,856 I want you to know that you have changed my life forever. 1669 01:04:41,023 --> 01:04:43,108 - No, look... - And I want... 1670 01:04:43,275 --> 01:04:47,029 No. I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but... 1671 01:04:47,195 --> 01:04:50,157 your earnestness can be very hard to be around. 1672 01:04:51,700 --> 01:04:55,037 God, why can't I express my admiration for you? 1673 01:04:55,203 --> 01:04:57,664 Because successful people hate their own admirers, 1674 01:04:57,831 --> 01:05:00,709 and we're suspicious of people who compliment us. 1675 01:05:00,876 --> 01:05:02,437 That's horrible. How do you have any friends? 1676 01:05:02,461 --> 01:05:05,130 I don't think I have any. 1677 01:05:08,925 --> 01:05:11,094 (Sighs) 1678 01:05:11,261 --> 01:05:13,722 Ah, it's getting late. 1679 01:05:15,140 --> 01:05:17,851 ♪ ♪ 1680 01:05:18,018 --> 01:05:20,687 (traffic rumbling, horns honking) 1681 01:05:22,856 --> 01:05:24,775 I have bad news. 1682 01:05:24,941 --> 01:05:26,902 For sweeps, they... 1683 01:05:27,069 --> 01:05:31,865 want you to introduce Tennant as your replacement. 1684 01:05:34,785 --> 01:05:36,119 We tried. 1685 01:05:40,040 --> 01:05:41,958 DANIEL: I was watching Game of Thrones. 1686 01:05:42,125 --> 01:05:45,003 And I'm watching with my girlfriend, right? 1687 01:05:45,170 --> 01:05:48,131 And she's like, "Oh, my God. 1688 01:05:48,298 --> 01:05:50,175 "This is so unfair. 1689 01:05:50,342 --> 01:05:51,802 "All the women are nude, 1690 01:05:51,968 --> 01:05:53,679 but, like, none of the men are nude." 1691 01:05:53,845 --> 01:05:55,565 - So I whipped out my nuts. - (Crowd laughs) 1692 01:05:55,681 --> 01:05:57,391 And she's like, "Oh, my God, balls!" 1693 01:05:57,557 --> 01:05:59,935 And I'm like, "Hypocrite much?" 1694 01:06:00,102 --> 01:06:01,662 Yeah, but that other one got cut, right? 1695 01:06:01,728 --> 01:06:03,568 Uh, we can cut it, and we can put this in there 1696 01:06:03,730 --> 01:06:05,130 - in its place, so if, um... - Okay. 1697 01:06:05,190 --> 01:06:06,750 - Oh, good. - So, if we're running long, 1698 01:06:06,817 --> 01:06:08,711 - we can end on the Supreme Court joke. - Okay. Yeah. 1699 01:06:08,735 --> 01:06:10,672 - And if not, then we have two more cards ready to go. -Here. 1700 01:06:10,696 --> 01:06:13,156 - Okay. -All right. So, why don't we, uh, I don't know... 1701 01:06:13,323 --> 01:06:14,950 Okay, I just have to say-- 1702 01:06:15,117 --> 01:06:17,994 no, no, I-I need to say-- that you don't have to do this. 1703 01:06:18,161 --> 01:06:19,496 Stop. 1704 01:06:19,663 --> 01:06:22,249 Listen to me. You need to do this. 1705 01:06:22,416 --> 01:06:23,936 Introducing Tennant is the classy move. 1706 01:06:24,000 --> 01:06:25,395 You make it look like it was your decision. 1707 01:06:25,419 --> 01:06:26,562 I mean, it's-it's the best we can do. 1708 01:06:26,586 --> 01:06:27,713 No, it's not. 1709 01:06:27,879 --> 01:06:29,256 This is your show. 1710 01:06:29,423 --> 01:06:31,758 It's an expression of who you are. 1711 01:06:31,925 --> 01:06:35,345 Is handing the show over to Daniel Tennant who you are? 1712 01:06:37,264 --> 01:06:39,558 I have to prepare. 1713 01:06:40,726 --> 01:06:42,144 That's not cool. 1714 01:06:42,310 --> 01:06:44,187 Hey. Hey! 1715 01:06:44,354 --> 01:06:46,690 Are you out of your fucking mind? 1716 01:06:46,857 --> 01:06:47,983 Okay. 1717 01:06:48,150 --> 01:06:49,460 You can't tell her stuff like that. 1718 01:06:49,484 --> 01:06:50,944 They made a decision, Molly. 1719 01:06:51,111 --> 01:06:53,238 Now it's our job-- our-our actual job-- 1720 01:06:53,405 --> 01:06:55,282 to find a way for our boss 1721 01:06:55,449 --> 01:06:56,843 to tell America that she's stepping down 1722 01:06:56,867 --> 01:06:58,118 and to do it in a way 1723 01:06:58,285 --> 01:07:00,370 that makes her look classy and smart, 1724 01:07:00,537 --> 01:07:02,456 and for all of us to save a little face. 1725 01:07:02,622 --> 01:07:04,666 Yes, saving face: the most important pillar 1726 01:07:04,833 --> 01:07:06,209 in the WASP handbook to life. 1727 01:07:06,376 --> 01:07:08,056 Oh, okay. There's no pillars in a handbook, 1728 01:07:08,086 --> 01:07:09,421 so get your metaphors straight. 1729 01:07:09,588 --> 01:07:11,315 And do you think we want her to give the show 1730 01:07:11,339 --> 01:07:13,192 to a douche like Tennant, no, but we don't go rogue 1731 01:07:13,216 --> 01:07:14,426 and just say anything we feel. 1732 01:07:14,593 --> 01:07:15,844 That's not how things work. 1733 01:07:16,011 --> 01:07:17,554 You know what? Fuck how things work. 1734 01:07:17,721 --> 01:07:19,449 If I cared how things work, I wouldn't have this job. 1735 01:07:19,473 --> 01:07:22,309 (Chuckling): Which would be absolutely fantastic. 1736 01:07:22,476 --> 01:07:25,103 Do I remind you of a girlfriend that dumped you or something? 1737 01:07:25,270 --> 01:07:27,981 Oh, yes, yeah. I-I had a long string of failed relationships 1738 01:07:28,148 --> 01:07:30,776 with semi-talented women who overdress for work. 1739 01:07:30,942 --> 01:07:32,527 It must be so hard for you. 1740 01:07:32,694 --> 01:07:33,694 What? 1741 01:07:33,737 --> 01:07:36,239 That we have the same job. 1742 01:07:36,406 --> 01:07:37,783 Not the same job, Molly. 1743 01:07:37,949 --> 01:07:39,451 You write jokes for the monologue. 1744 01:07:39,618 --> 01:07:42,120 - I'm the head monologue writer. - Whatever, Seven. 1745 01:07:42,287 --> 01:07:44,265 Walk into a dead end-- that's a... that's a great finish. 1746 01:07:44,289 --> 01:07:45,832 Nope, go-go that... Yep, yep. 1747 01:07:45,999 --> 01:07:47,852 No, no, you showed me. Walking into-into a closet. 1748 01:07:47,876 --> 01:07:49,294 That's great. 1749 01:07:49,461 --> 01:07:51,546 ♪ ♪ 1750 01:07:55,175 --> 01:07:57,260 - (bell rings) - WOMAN: And in five, 1751 01:07:57,427 --> 01:08:00,263 - four, three, two... - (band plays show theme) 1752 01:08:00,430 --> 01:08:02,557 ANNOUNCER: Katherine Newbury. 1753 01:08:02,724 --> 01:08:05,310 Now, there are some rumors out there 1754 01:08:05,477 --> 01:08:07,395 that you might be replacing me. 1755 01:08:07,562 --> 01:08:08,897 (Crowd murmuring, gasping) 1756 01:08:10,941 --> 01:08:13,318 Uh, well, uh... 1757 01:08:13,485 --> 01:08:14,486 you're a legend, okay? 1758 01:08:14,653 --> 01:08:16,488 I would be beyond honored. 1759 01:08:16,655 --> 01:08:17,948 Thank you. 1760 01:08:18,114 --> 01:08:21,827 The thing is, I... I don't want to go. 1761 01:08:21,993 --> 01:08:23,286 (Laughter) 1762 01:08:23,453 --> 01:08:25,580 (both chuckling) 1763 01:08:25,747 --> 01:08:28,250 I get it. I mean, who would want to leave here, right? 1764 01:08:28,416 --> 01:08:29,835 Your name's on the drum. 1765 01:08:30,001 --> 01:08:32,045 Hey, give it up for Katherine Newbury, y'all. 1766 01:08:32,212 --> 01:08:34,047 - Make some noise! - (Cheering and applause) 1767 01:08:39,135 --> 01:08:41,888 Thank you for the noise. 1768 01:08:42,055 --> 01:08:44,349 I find myself in a genuinely strange position, though, 1769 01:08:44,516 --> 01:08:46,393 because I truly do not want to go. 1770 01:08:46,560 --> 01:08:49,312 - Do you want me to go? - CROWD: No! 1771 01:08:49,479 --> 01:08:53,358 (Indistinct shouting, murmuring) 1772 01:08:53,525 --> 01:08:56,194 Uh, we all wish she could stay, right? 1773 01:08:56,361 --> 01:08:58,488 - I mean... - (cheering and applause) 1774 01:08:58,655 --> 01:08:59,990 Right. 1775 01:09:01,283 --> 01:09:02,784 You really wish I could stay? 1776 01:09:03,952 --> 01:09:05,161 Sure. Yeah. 1777 01:09:05,328 --> 01:09:06,913 (Both chuckle) 1778 01:09:07,080 --> 01:09:08,999 You really mean it? 1779 01:09:09,165 --> 01:09:10,584 (Light laughter) 1780 01:09:10,750 --> 01:09:12,627 (chuckling): Yeah. Yes. 1781 01:09:12,794 --> 01:09:14,713 Well, you know what, Daniel? 1782 01:09:14,880 --> 01:09:16,423 I'll stay. 1783 01:09:16,590 --> 01:09:18,633 (Cheering and applause) 1784 01:09:18,800 --> 01:09:20,640 But only because you really, really want me to. 1785 01:09:20,719 --> 01:09:22,429 Thank you, Daniel. 1786 01:09:22,596 --> 01:09:24,848 (Chanting): Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate! 1787 01:09:25,015 --> 01:09:27,100 Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate! 1788 01:09:27,267 --> 01:09:28,518 You're welcome, America. 1789 01:09:28,685 --> 01:09:30,312 - Well, that's... - (Katherine laughs) 1790 01:09:30,478 --> 01:09:32,856 - CROWD: Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate! - If you agree with me, 1791 01:09:33,023 --> 01:09:34,816 why don't you show me some love on Twitter. 1792 01:09:34,983 --> 01:09:36,067 We have to take a break. 1793 01:09:36,234 --> 01:09:37,569 We'll see you back here shortly. 1794 01:09:37,736 --> 01:09:40,864 - (Cheering and applause) - (band plays show theme) 1795 01:09:42,157 --> 01:09:43,533 You did great. 1796 01:09:45,994 --> 01:09:47,954 - BILLY: I got this. - What was that, man? 1797 01:09:48,121 --> 01:09:50,665 That sucked. We're done. 1798 01:09:51,750 --> 01:09:52,792 Did you enjoy that? 1799 01:09:52,959 --> 01:09:54,169 'Cause now you're fucked. 1800 01:09:54,336 --> 01:09:55,837 I don't know, Billy, I think it really 1801 01:09:56,004 --> 01:09:57,297 shook the dust off this place. 1802 01:09:57,464 --> 01:09:58,715 Don't you? 1803 01:09:58,882 --> 01:10:01,009 Now get the fuck off my stage. 1804 01:10:04,054 --> 01:10:05,722 She did what? 1805 01:10:05,889 --> 01:10:07,349 Oh, oh, another thing. 1806 01:10:07,515 --> 01:10:09,327 I'm part of, um, um, something called a hashtag 1807 01:10:09,351 --> 01:10:11,019 in which over half a million people 1808 01:10:11,186 --> 01:10:14,564 participated or liked it or did whatever they do with it. 1809 01:10:14,731 --> 01:10:16,399 I don't know. 1810 01:10:18,360 --> 01:10:19,360 What's wrong? 1811 01:10:19,402 --> 01:10:20,528 Nothing. 1812 01:10:20,695 --> 01:10:22,113 You were spectacular. 1813 01:10:22,280 --> 01:10:24,616 Walter, I'm not afraid of Billy Kastner. 1814 01:10:24,783 --> 01:10:26,159 And you shouldn't be. 1815 01:10:26,326 --> 01:10:28,078 I'm going to open a champagne. 1816 01:10:30,747 --> 01:10:32,832 ♪ ♪ 1817 01:10:44,260 --> 01:10:45,929 (beeping) 1818 01:10:46,972 --> 01:10:47,972 Hi. 1819 01:10:48,056 --> 01:10:49,516 - Hey. - So, to celebrate 1820 01:10:49,683 --> 01:10:51,768 the single best day of my professional career, 1821 01:10:51,935 --> 01:10:54,729 I thought I would surprise you with vodka and with cupcakes. 1822 01:10:54,896 --> 01:10:56,496 Cupcakes are for me. The vodka's for you. 1823 01:10:56,606 --> 01:10:58,042 Uh, actually, the vodka's for me, too, 1824 01:10:58,066 --> 01:10:59,168 if I'm being completely honest. 1825 01:10:59,192 --> 01:11:01,236 (Both chuckle) 1826 01:11:01,403 --> 01:11:03,822 You should call before you come over. 1827 01:11:03,989 --> 01:11:05,309 Yeah, but where's the fun in that? 1828 01:11:05,407 --> 01:11:07,909 I know, but I-I can't tonight. 1829 01:11:09,786 --> 01:11:11,371 Do you have someone over? 1830 01:11:11,538 --> 01:11:13,206 (Chuckles) 1831 01:11:14,457 --> 01:11:16,710 Oh, my God, this is so embarrassing. 1832 01:11:16,876 --> 01:11:18,586 - No, no. - Oh, this fucking sucks. 1833 01:11:18,753 --> 01:11:20,588 - Oh, God. Oh... - No, no. Molly. 1834 01:11:20,755 --> 01:11:22,590 Molly. Molly. 1835 01:11:24,509 --> 01:11:26,069 - I think we should get a drink. - Yeah. 1836 01:11:26,219 --> 01:11:28,930 We should drink and maybe talk about "73 Questions." 1837 01:11:29,097 --> 01:11:31,057 - Yes. - Hey. (Chuckles) 1838 01:11:31,224 --> 01:11:33,393 Uh, Molly, uh... Molly, you want to 1839 01:11:33,560 --> 01:11:35,040 - go somewhere and talk? - No, thanks. 1840 01:11:35,186 --> 01:11:37,605 - Come on, Molly. - You should ask someone else. 1841 01:11:37,772 --> 01:11:40,567 Maybe it won't take you three weeks to fuck them. 1842 01:11:41,901 --> 01:11:42,986 (Charlie exhales sharply) 1843 01:11:43,153 --> 01:11:44,696 (Charlie chuckles) 1844 01:11:46,489 --> 01:11:48,408 - (car horn honks) - TOM: Hey. 1845 01:11:49,617 --> 01:11:51,578 So, that was the other shoe. 1846 01:11:51,745 --> 01:11:53,163 What? 1847 01:11:53,329 --> 01:11:55,290 The other shoe dropping-- with Charlie. 1848 01:11:55,457 --> 01:11:57,577 Oh, no, I really don't want to talk to you about this. 1849 01:11:57,667 --> 01:11:59,145 - Can I tell you a story? - No, thanks. 1850 01:11:59,169 --> 01:12:00,521 All right, so the summer after freshman year, 1851 01:12:00,545 --> 01:12:01,939 Charlie and I saved up all of our money 1852 01:12:01,963 --> 01:12:03,403 to go to Pearl Jam in Chicago, right? 1853 01:12:03,465 --> 01:12:05,025 And it was gonna be this epic road trip. 1854 01:12:05,091 --> 01:12:06,509 The drive out was pretty great. 1855 01:12:06,676 --> 01:12:08,720 We just got high every day. We laughed a lot. 1856 01:12:08,887 --> 01:12:11,181 We even got these matching compass tattoos on our thighs. 1857 01:12:11,347 --> 01:12:13,308 Anyway, we get there, I go to get a T-shirt 1858 01:12:13,475 --> 01:12:16,352 at the merch stand, I come back, and he's gone. 1859 01:12:16,519 --> 01:12:17,771 Gone? 1860 01:12:17,937 --> 01:12:19,147 What do you mean, gone? 1861 01:12:19,314 --> 01:12:22,358 He met a girl, left with her. 1862 01:12:22,525 --> 01:12:23,943 I never saw him again. 1863 01:12:24,110 --> 01:12:26,071 I mean, you saw him again later that night? 1864 01:12:26,237 --> 01:12:28,437 - I never saw him again that summer. - That is horrible. 1865 01:12:28,531 --> 01:12:30,033 Why are you still friends with him? 1866 01:12:30,200 --> 01:12:31,800 Well, I know that you wouldn't be, right? 1867 01:12:31,951 --> 01:12:33,995 No, you're too principled for that. 1868 01:12:34,162 --> 01:12:35,789 Teach you that at the factory? 1869 01:12:35,955 --> 01:12:36,790 It's a chemical plant. 1870 01:12:36,956 --> 01:12:38,666 All right. Look. 1871 01:12:38,833 --> 01:12:41,544 When you work with someone that you've known for 18 years, 1872 01:12:41,711 --> 01:12:44,005 you can either be best friends or mortal enemies. 1873 01:12:44,172 --> 01:12:46,508 I mean, you can't be lifelong acquaintances. 1874 01:12:46,674 --> 01:12:48,885 Mortal enemies just felt like a lot more work. 1875 01:12:51,596 --> 01:12:54,390 - You still have that tattoo? - Oh, yeah. Yeah. 1876 01:12:54,557 --> 01:12:56,059 Compass points right to my balls. 1877 01:12:56,226 --> 01:12:58,478 - It's fucking horrible. - (Laughs) 1878 01:12:58,645 --> 01:13:00,688 I-I don't want to wear it. That's all. 1879 01:13:00,855 --> 01:13:02,065 No, I get that. I do. 1880 01:13:02,232 --> 01:13:03,792 - Let me explain, though. - It's stupid. 1881 01:13:03,817 --> 01:13:05,537 MANCUSO: No, no, no, but the bit is the idea 1882 01:13:05,610 --> 01:13:06,796 - that you're a pirate that everybody knows. -Katherine. 1883 01:13:06,820 --> 01:13:07,838 - Katherine. Katherine. - This... 1884 01:13:07,862 --> 01:13:09,072 - Uh, sorry. - What? 1885 01:13:09,239 --> 01:13:10,657 (Indistinct whispering) 1886 01:13:12,867 --> 01:13:13,952 (quietly): Oh, my God. 1887 01:13:14,119 --> 01:13:15,995 Okay. 1888 01:13:17,997 --> 01:13:22,210 We don't... we don't have to do the hook. 1889 01:13:22,377 --> 01:13:24,003 Hey. I got your McNuggets. 1890 01:13:24,170 --> 01:13:26,381 But I'm not gonna lie-- I had a few. 1891 01:13:26,548 --> 01:13:28,174 Look at this. 1892 01:13:35,515 --> 01:13:37,684 No. It can't be true. It's not possible. 1893 01:13:37,851 --> 01:13:39,519 They hacked his e-mail. 1894 01:13:39,686 --> 01:13:41,354 It has to be true. 1895 01:13:41,521 --> 01:13:43,064 He hasn't returned any of my calls. 1896 01:13:43,231 --> 01:13:44,232 MANCUSO: And why Charlie? 1897 01:13:44,399 --> 01:13:45,608 - Why him? - Because he's hot. 1898 01:13:45,775 --> 01:13:47,318 Do you think it should have been you? 1899 01:13:47,485 --> 01:13:49,028 No, I don't. 1900 01:13:49,195 --> 01:13:51,155 And, by the way, looks and fame aren't everything. 1901 01:13:51,239 --> 01:13:52,907 They're definitely everything. 1902 01:13:53,074 --> 01:13:54,951 Guys, can we not be glib about this, please? 1903 01:13:55,118 --> 01:13:56,758 I mean, I thought she really loved Walter. 1904 01:13:56,870 --> 01:13:58,621 - She does love him. - MANCUSO: The line is: 1905 01:13:58,788 --> 01:14:00,724 - "In sickness or in health." - And you know what? 1906 01:14:00,748 --> 01:14:03,126 People always make those vows in health, 1907 01:14:03,293 --> 01:14:04,878 so let's cut her some slack. 1908 01:14:05,044 --> 01:14:06,921 Let's get back to work. 1909 01:14:11,634 --> 01:14:12,969 (Sighs) 1910 01:14:15,013 --> 01:14:17,182 Katherine Newbury is in the news for allegedly 1911 01:14:17,348 --> 01:14:19,475 carrying on an affair with a much younger man 1912 01:14:19,642 --> 01:14:21,603 who, uh, also happens to be an employee of hers. 1913 01:14:21,769 --> 01:14:23,188 Did you see this? (Chuckles) 1914 01:14:23,354 --> 01:14:24,939 I guess she took the advice to get 1915 01:14:25,106 --> 01:14:28,026 more of the younger male demographic to heart. 1916 01:14:28,193 --> 01:14:30,278 (Crowd laughing, applauding) 1917 01:14:31,738 --> 01:14:33,740 ♪ ♪ 1918 01:14:38,745 --> 01:14:40,580 - (line ringing) - This is Walter. 1919 01:14:40,747 --> 01:14:42,123 Leave a message. 1920 01:14:42,290 --> 01:14:44,000 KATHERINE: Walter, please call me back. 1921 01:14:44,167 --> 01:14:46,211 I need to see you. 1922 01:14:47,795 --> 01:14:49,839 (Dog barking in distance) 1923 01:14:57,972 --> 01:15:00,725 - (door closes) - MOLLY: Katherine? 1924 01:15:01,935 --> 01:15:04,062 Oh, my God. 1925 01:15:05,772 --> 01:15:08,942 Open a window, for God's sakes. 1926 01:15:13,613 --> 01:15:15,073 It happened three years ago. 1927 01:15:15,240 --> 01:15:18,243 Walter had just been diagnosed, 1928 01:15:18,409 --> 01:15:20,536 and he was so depressed and angry, 1929 01:15:20,703 --> 01:15:22,497 and I got angry with him 1930 01:15:22,664 --> 01:15:24,666 for being angry, 1931 01:15:24,832 --> 01:15:28,962 and Charlie was so warm and funny and persistent and... 1932 01:15:29,128 --> 01:15:30,546 and gorgeous. 1933 01:15:30,713 --> 01:15:32,149 It's hard when there's someone that gorgeous 1934 01:15:32,173 --> 01:15:34,842 just knocking about. 1935 01:15:35,009 --> 01:15:36,809 Just a couple of months, but I've regretted it 1936 01:15:36,970 --> 01:15:38,930 every single second since. 1937 01:15:39,097 --> 01:15:41,599 You know what? It actually... it doesn't matter, 1938 01:15:41,766 --> 01:15:43,369 because I-I've been working on the monologue, 1939 01:15:43,393 --> 01:15:44,936 and I think we have an opportunity 1940 01:15:45,103 --> 01:15:46,729 to really say something here. 1941 01:15:46,896 --> 01:15:48,314 I'm not addressing it. 1942 01:15:48,481 --> 01:15:50,441 - What? - No, we'll go dark for a week, 1943 01:15:50,608 --> 01:15:52,860 and then I'll come back on, and I won't mention it. 1944 01:15:53,027 --> 01:15:56,489 And then, in a month, I'll be gone. 1945 01:15:56,656 --> 01:15:59,367 You'll be gone? Why are you doing that? 1946 01:15:59,534 --> 01:16:01,136 Because of my complete and utter humiliation 1947 01:16:01,160 --> 01:16:02,800 in the eyes of the American public, maybe? 1948 01:16:02,954 --> 01:16:04,664 No. You're being demonized, Katherine, 1949 01:16:04,831 --> 01:16:06,291 - and it's not fair. - It is fair. 1950 01:16:06,457 --> 01:16:08,501 I should be demonized. I'm Katherine Newbury. 1951 01:16:08,668 --> 01:16:10,308 I stand for excellence without compromise. 1952 01:16:10,336 --> 01:16:12,380 I fucked up. I don't deserve the show. 1953 01:16:12,547 --> 01:16:14,716 - I think that you're wrong. - You... 1954 01:16:14,882 --> 01:16:16,801 with over two months experience in television. 1955 01:16:16,968 --> 01:16:19,679 I get it. You are ashamed of what you did, 1956 01:16:19,846 --> 01:16:22,307 and you don't want to face it, but everybody makes mistakes. 1957 01:16:22,473 --> 01:16:23,599 You need to talk about it. 1958 01:16:23,766 --> 01:16:25,518 I need to talk about it? 1959 01:16:25,685 --> 01:16:29,856 You know, what's so fascinating about your generation is... 1960 01:16:30,023 --> 01:16:32,025 your obsession with catharsis. 1961 01:16:32,191 --> 01:16:33,484 It's so narcissistic. 1962 01:16:33,651 --> 01:16:34,986 In fact, we might as well 1963 01:16:35,153 --> 01:16:37,113 just go ahead and call it catharcissism. 1964 01:16:37,280 --> 01:16:39,490 Where, for some reason, just because 1965 01:16:39,657 --> 01:16:41,034 you confess something publicly, 1966 01:16:41,200 --> 01:16:42,994 you automatically get redemption. 1967 01:16:43,161 --> 01:16:44,555 Well, I'm not gonna play that trick. 1968 01:16:44,579 --> 01:16:46,289 I owe it to him, and I owe it to me. 1969 01:16:46,456 --> 01:16:47,915 And that's what's called backbone. 1970 01:16:48,082 --> 01:16:50,001 That's what's... that's what's known as grit. 1971 01:16:50,168 --> 01:16:53,463 You want to talk to me about grit? 1972 01:16:53,629 --> 01:16:55,590 I don't have any friends. 1973 01:16:55,757 --> 01:16:57,508 I don't come from a rich family. 1974 01:16:57,675 --> 01:17:00,678 I didn't have a man whisk me away when I was 20 years old 1975 01:17:00,845 --> 01:17:02,805 and tell me that I was beautiful and a genius. 1976 01:17:02,972 --> 01:17:05,850 And guess what-- I'm probably not a genius. 1977 01:17:07,518 --> 01:17:11,606 And this show... this is all I have. 1978 01:17:11,773 --> 01:17:14,150 So fuck you for giving it up. 1979 01:17:15,610 --> 01:17:18,488 You are selfish, and you are scared, 1980 01:17:18,654 --> 01:17:20,615 and you have deluded yourself into thinking 1981 01:17:20,782 --> 01:17:23,284 that is somehow the moral high ground, but it's not. 1982 01:17:23,451 --> 01:17:25,262 Well, you don't have to worry about that anymore, 1983 01:17:25,286 --> 01:17:26,606 because you no longer work for me. 1984 01:17:26,704 --> 01:17:27,830 You're fired. 1985 01:17:27,997 --> 01:17:29,290 You know, it's funny. 1986 01:17:29,457 --> 01:17:30,917 You know everything about me, 1987 01:17:31,084 --> 01:17:32,752 and I don't even think about you. 1988 01:17:32,919 --> 01:17:34,462 Bye-bye. 1989 01:17:34,629 --> 01:17:37,090 ♪ ♪ 1990 01:17:39,217 --> 01:17:42,512 Look, please don't make fun of where I live. 1991 01:17:42,678 --> 01:17:44,597 I know it sucks. 1992 01:17:44,764 --> 01:17:46,057 No, it's cool. 1993 01:17:46,224 --> 01:17:47,725 It's like you're in witness protection 1994 01:17:47,892 --> 01:17:50,395 and your secret identity is an elderly Indian woman. 1995 01:17:51,687 --> 01:17:54,190 Good amount of glitter. I like the ponies. 1996 01:17:54,357 --> 01:17:56,984 So, are you super excited about getting your first period? 1997 01:17:57,151 --> 01:17:58,611 (Crying): Oh, come on, man. 1998 01:17:58,778 --> 01:17:59,946 Wait, are you...? 1999 01:18:00,113 --> 01:18:01,239 Oh, please don't do that. 2000 01:18:01,406 --> 01:18:03,032 Okay? I-I'm not... 2001 01:18:03,199 --> 01:18:05,076 I'm not good with... I'm not good with that. 2002 01:18:05,243 --> 01:18:06,911 It's-it's not what I do. 2003 01:18:07,078 --> 01:18:09,163 I just got fired after working less than three months 2004 01:18:09,330 --> 01:18:10,790 on the job of my dreams. 2005 01:18:10,957 --> 01:18:13,167 Now I have to go back to Pennsylvania 2006 01:18:13,334 --> 01:18:15,086 and work in a factory. 2007 01:18:15,253 --> 01:18:16,493 Thought it was a chemical plant. 2008 01:18:16,546 --> 01:18:18,172 It's basically the same thing. 2009 01:18:18,339 --> 01:18:19,966 Come on. 2010 01:18:20,133 --> 01:18:22,301 (Chuckling): You're not going back there. 2011 01:18:22,468 --> 01:18:23,886 Who will hire me? 2012 01:18:24,053 --> 01:18:25,430 I'm such a fucking loser. 2013 01:18:25,596 --> 01:18:28,474 I make such a bad first impression on people. 2014 01:18:30,101 --> 01:18:32,728 Well, there is some truth to that, but, I mean... 2015 01:18:32,895 --> 01:18:34,939 I hate everybody, and you made me like you, so... 2016 01:18:36,858 --> 01:18:38,860 Honestly, you just need to stop being such a pussy. 2017 01:18:39,026 --> 01:18:41,529 Hey, that was incredibly offensive. 2018 01:18:41,696 --> 01:18:44,490 Maybe, but, I mean, it's also pretty true. 2019 01:18:44,657 --> 01:18:46,784 - (Stammering) - What? You can't give up 2020 01:18:46,951 --> 01:18:49,579 just 'cause Katherine Newbury was mean to you. 2021 01:18:49,745 --> 01:18:51,539 Come on, suck it up. Okay? 2022 01:18:51,706 --> 01:18:54,000 Stay in New York. Get a... different apartment. 2023 01:18:54,167 --> 01:18:56,252 Not this one. Anything but this one, honestly. 2024 01:18:56,419 --> 01:18:59,046 - O-Okay. -Okay? And find another show to work on. 2025 01:19:01,299 --> 01:19:03,342 You're too good, Molly. 2026 01:19:05,845 --> 01:19:07,638 Do you really think that? 2027 01:19:07,805 --> 01:19:09,783 You know how hard it is for me to compliment people, 2028 01:19:09,807 --> 01:19:11,684 so just don't make me say it again. 2029 01:19:11,851 --> 01:19:13,728 (Chuckles) 2030 01:19:13,895 --> 01:19:16,439 (sniffles, laughs) 2031 01:19:19,650 --> 01:19:21,736 ♪ ♪ 2032 01:19:33,456 --> 01:19:35,833 Good luck. Yeah? 2033 01:19:36,834 --> 01:19:38,252 Oh, you-you can leave that. 2034 01:19:38,419 --> 01:19:40,505 I kind of like it. 2035 01:19:52,642 --> 01:19:54,727 I'm on Zillow, and in your price range, 2036 01:19:54,894 --> 01:19:56,694 you can't really afford to live anywhere nice. 2037 01:19:56,771 --> 01:19:58,314 Okay, well, where can I afford to live? 2038 01:19:58,481 --> 01:20:00,691 SoGo? It's the neighborhood south of Gowanus. 2039 01:20:00,858 --> 01:20:03,027 Remember on the news? They found that corpse there. 2040 01:20:03,194 --> 01:20:05,613 God, Parvati, how is that helpful? 2041 01:20:07,406 --> 01:20:09,534 So, you left after ten weeks, huh? 2042 01:20:09,700 --> 01:20:11,202 I was fired. 2043 01:20:11,369 --> 01:20:13,746 Yeah, I figured. I was just trying to be polite. 2044 01:20:13,913 --> 01:20:16,832 I wasn't a good personality match with my boss. 2045 01:20:16,999 --> 01:20:18,543 What is she like, anyway? 2046 01:20:18,709 --> 01:20:20,711 Because she's nice to me at the Emmys, 2047 01:20:20,878 --> 01:20:22,463 but I can also tell on her face 2048 01:20:22,630 --> 01:20:24,882 that niceness is very hard for her. 2049 01:20:25,049 --> 01:20:27,969 She was the least compassionate person I've ever met. 2050 01:20:28,135 --> 01:20:30,429 She could be so casually cruel, 2051 01:20:30,596 --> 01:20:33,641 all in the name of excellence and efficiency. 2052 01:20:33,808 --> 01:20:35,935 Sounds like a laid-back place to work. 2053 01:20:36,102 --> 01:20:37,979 I thought your jokes were really good. 2054 01:20:38,145 --> 01:20:39,397 And yet, every morning, 2055 01:20:39,564 --> 01:20:40,874 I would wake up with this yearning 2056 01:20:40,898 --> 01:20:42,233 to impress her, you know? 2057 01:20:42,400 --> 01:20:44,000 Like, somehow, if I could make her laugh, 2058 01:20:44,151 --> 01:20:47,280 that meant that I was reaching my greatest potential. 2059 01:20:47,446 --> 01:20:49,156 So, anyways, your jokes... 2060 01:20:49,323 --> 01:20:50,783 God, and the sound of her laugh, 2061 01:20:50,950 --> 01:20:52,451 it would just light up the whole room. 2062 01:20:52,618 --> 01:20:54,328 It was like a thousand church bells. 2063 01:20:54,495 --> 01:20:55,580 It was incredible. 2064 01:20:55,746 --> 01:20:58,249 Well, I want to hire you, 2065 01:20:58,416 --> 01:21:00,793 but if you ever want to say something like that again, 2066 01:21:00,960 --> 01:21:03,462 it should definitely be... to a therapist. 2067 01:21:03,629 --> 01:21:05,464 Oh, my God. Okay, I-I would never... 2068 01:21:05,631 --> 01:21:06,924 I would never say that about you. 2069 01:21:07,091 --> 01:21:08,360 - Yeah, no, please don't. - Oh, my God. 2070 01:21:08,384 --> 01:21:09,510 Okay, thank you. 2071 01:21:09,677 --> 01:21:11,679 Thank you so much. Wow. 2072 01:21:11,846 --> 01:21:13,889 Fans on social media are all wondering 2073 01:21:14,056 --> 01:21:15,474 whether Katherine Newbury 2074 01:21:15,641 --> 01:21:17,518 will announce her retirement tomorrow night. 2075 01:21:17,685 --> 01:21:19,854 This comes after weeks of mostly tabloid reporting 2076 01:21:20,021 --> 01:21:21,856 on her alleged extramarital affair 2077 01:21:22,023 --> 01:21:24,609 and her pointed silence on the matter. 2078 01:21:24,775 --> 01:21:26,777 This caps off one of the most interesting seasons 2079 01:21:26,944 --> 01:21:29,030 in late-night television in recent years. 2080 01:21:29,989 --> 01:21:31,657 (Indistinct chatter) 2081 01:21:31,824 --> 01:21:34,285 TOM: Dogs with, like, people names? 2082 01:21:34,452 --> 01:21:36,203 (Chatter stops) 2083 01:21:36,370 --> 01:21:37,370 - BRAD: Hey. - TOM: Hey. 2084 01:21:37,413 --> 01:21:38,247 Hi. 2085 01:21:38,414 --> 01:21:39,665 No, it's fine. 2086 01:21:39,832 --> 01:21:41,751 - You need help with the speech? - No, no. 2087 01:21:41,917 --> 01:21:45,963 I'm sure you've all got something lined up after this. 2088 01:21:47,798 --> 01:21:50,343 I just came to say thank you. 2089 01:21:52,553 --> 01:21:55,348 Brad. 2090 01:21:55,514 --> 01:21:57,391 Tom. 2091 01:22:00,770 --> 01:22:03,814 Mancuso. Reynolds. 2092 01:22:03,981 --> 01:22:05,733 Burditt. 2093 01:22:05,900 --> 01:22:09,487 Mendelsohn. Weber. 2094 01:22:12,406 --> 01:22:14,158 Six. 2095 01:22:18,329 --> 01:22:20,122 How did John Phillips die? 2096 01:22:20,289 --> 01:22:23,501 Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. 2097 01:22:28,047 --> 01:22:31,509 (Crying): I remember being so hard on him. 2098 01:22:32,968 --> 01:22:35,137 You gave him a job. 2099 01:22:35,304 --> 01:22:37,515 I wasn't nice to him. 2100 01:22:39,266 --> 01:22:41,602 We're not here because you're nice. 2101 01:22:41,769 --> 01:22:44,605 - We're here because you're good. - (Sniffles) 2102 01:22:45,898 --> 01:22:48,234 She cried. And thanked us. 2103 01:22:48,401 --> 01:22:50,194 - What? - It was crazy. 2104 01:22:50,361 --> 01:22:52,321 When she said my name, I almost got an erection. 2105 01:22:52,488 --> 01:22:53,715 - (Laughs) - Look, I really think 2106 01:22:53,739 --> 01:22:55,116 you should watch the show later. 2107 01:22:55,282 --> 01:22:56,909 I mean, you worked so hard on this. 2108 01:22:57,076 --> 01:22:58,595 Tom, go to work. I'll talk to you later. 2109 01:22:58,619 --> 01:22:59,745 All right, all right. 2110 01:22:59,912 --> 01:23:01,497 Bye. 2111 01:23:04,959 --> 01:23:07,002 (Cell phone ringing) 2112 01:23:08,963 --> 01:23:12,299 - Walter. - WALTER: Yeah. 2113 01:23:12,466 --> 01:23:14,760 I'd like to see you. 2114 01:23:14,927 --> 01:23:16,846 Okay. 2115 01:23:17,012 --> 01:23:18,657 KATHERINE: Oh, but there's press at the house. 2116 01:23:18,681 --> 01:23:20,808 Um, I'll think of somewhere. 2117 01:23:22,268 --> 01:23:24,311 (Door closes) 2118 01:23:30,901 --> 01:23:32,903 WALTER: When I left my wife and family 2119 01:23:33,070 --> 01:23:35,906 for a beautiful young English girl, 2120 01:23:36,073 --> 01:23:39,243 they told me there would be karma. 2121 01:23:39,410 --> 01:23:41,328 That I would pay for it. 2122 01:23:41,495 --> 01:23:43,330 And then... 2123 01:23:43,497 --> 01:23:45,750 years passed, and nothing happened. 2124 01:23:45,916 --> 01:23:48,169 And I thought, "Well... 2125 01:23:48,335 --> 01:23:51,005 I'm the luckiest bastard alive." 2126 01:23:52,381 --> 01:23:55,342 I guess I was wrong. (Sighs) 2127 01:23:57,344 --> 01:24:01,015 It's hard enough for me to live with a disease 2128 01:24:01,182 --> 01:24:03,434 that's probably going to kill me 2129 01:24:03,601 --> 01:24:07,313 without knowing that the woman I love... 2130 01:24:08,647 --> 01:24:10,149 ...decided one night, 2131 01:24:10,316 --> 01:24:12,902 instead of staying at home with her invalid husband, 2132 01:24:13,068 --> 01:24:15,029 she would rather fuck a comedian. 2133 01:24:17,782 --> 01:24:20,409 I want to say... 2134 01:24:20,576 --> 01:24:22,620 it didn't mean anything... 2135 01:24:24,580 --> 01:24:27,541 ...but it meant everything because it hurt you. 2136 01:24:27,708 --> 01:24:29,460 Yes, it did. 2137 01:24:33,464 --> 01:24:35,508 I know. 2138 01:24:35,674 --> 01:24:38,052 The thing is... (stifled sob) 2139 01:24:38,219 --> 01:24:41,680 you can't just take away one terrible thing you did 2140 01:24:41,847 --> 01:24:44,225 any more than you can take away 2141 01:24:44,391 --> 01:24:47,520 the million beautiful things that we had together. 2142 01:24:47,686 --> 01:24:49,897 That's a million to one. 2143 01:24:51,315 --> 01:24:54,068 If you can live with that ratio 2144 01:24:54,235 --> 01:24:56,445 for another few years... 2145 01:24:58,405 --> 01:25:00,199 ...then so can I. 2146 01:25:04,203 --> 01:25:06,247 ♪ ♪ 2147 01:25:07,581 --> 01:25:10,125 (Katherine crying) 2148 01:25:14,338 --> 01:25:17,007 (sighs) 2149 01:25:17,174 --> 01:25:18,843 But I'm not here as your husband. 2150 01:25:19,009 --> 01:25:21,554 I'm here as a man who has advised you 2151 01:25:21,720 --> 01:25:23,889 your entire adult life. 2152 01:25:24,974 --> 01:25:26,475 Are you sure that you're making 2153 01:25:26,642 --> 01:25:28,602 the right decision about the show? 2154 01:25:28,769 --> 01:25:30,604 (Sniffles) 2155 01:25:30,771 --> 01:25:34,483 If it's over in one year or ten years, 2156 01:25:34,650 --> 01:25:36,485 what's the difference? 2157 01:25:36,652 --> 01:25:38,487 It'll be over. 2158 01:25:38,654 --> 01:25:40,990 And what did I leave behind? 2159 01:25:41,156 --> 01:25:44,201 No... friends or children, no... 2160 01:25:44,368 --> 01:25:45,578 You didn't want them. 2161 01:25:45,744 --> 01:25:47,371 You wanted excellence, 2162 01:25:47,538 --> 01:25:50,374 which almost no one gets in their lifetime. 2163 01:25:50,541 --> 01:25:53,502 Just be sure you're ready before you give it up. 2164 01:25:53,669 --> 01:25:56,463 I don't know what to say to them. 2165 01:25:57,840 --> 01:25:59,174 (Sobs) 2166 01:25:59,341 --> 01:26:01,886 When the time comes, Katie, 2167 01:26:02,052 --> 01:26:04,096 you'll know. 2168 01:26:06,265 --> 01:26:09,184 (Sniffling, panting) 2169 01:26:29,371 --> 01:26:32,124 (taking deep breaths) 2170 01:26:35,711 --> 01:26:38,172 (band playing show theme) 2171 01:26:38,339 --> 01:26:41,342 (cheering and applause) 2172 01:26:50,768 --> 01:26:52,186 (music ends) 2173 01:26:52,353 --> 01:26:54,438 Thank you. 2174 01:26:54,605 --> 01:26:56,857 Thank you very much. 2175 01:26:57,024 --> 01:26:58,984 (Sighs) Well... 2176 01:27:00,361 --> 01:27:02,738 What a boring few weeks it's been. 2177 01:27:02,905 --> 01:27:05,532 - (Laughter) - Although... 2178 01:27:05,699 --> 01:27:07,326 it's kind of refreshing 2179 01:27:07,493 --> 01:27:09,203 for a woman to be the perpetrator 2180 01:27:09,370 --> 01:27:12,081 in a Hollywood sex scandal for once, isn't it? 2181 01:27:12,247 --> 01:27:13,874 (Scattered laughter) 2182 01:27:14,041 --> 01:27:16,961 I am, of course, referring to the multiple reports 2183 01:27:17,127 --> 01:27:19,838 that came out this week, 2184 01:27:20,005 --> 01:27:23,926 saying that I had been unfaithful to my husband 2185 01:27:24,093 --> 01:27:26,887 with one of my writers. 2186 01:27:27,054 --> 01:27:29,264 Spoiler alert: 2187 01:27:29,431 --> 01:27:31,100 It's true. 2188 01:27:31,266 --> 01:27:33,644 (Murmuring) 2189 01:27:41,026 --> 01:27:44,780 I've learned an interesting term: 2190 01:27:44,947 --> 01:27:47,741 "slut-shaming." 2191 01:27:47,908 --> 01:27:51,578 My supporters have said that if I were a man, 2192 01:27:51,745 --> 01:27:53,585 I wouldn't be subject to this kind of scrutiny. 2193 01:27:53,747 --> 01:27:55,374 Well, here's what I think. 2194 01:27:55,541 --> 01:27:57,701 If it were a man doing this, it would be reprehensible, 2195 01:27:57,751 --> 01:27:59,670 but guess what-- it's a woman doing it, 2196 01:27:59,837 --> 01:28:01,922 and it's still reprehensible. 2197 01:28:02,089 --> 01:28:05,926 And none of this would even matter 2198 01:28:06,093 --> 01:28:08,262 if I were not so... 2199 01:28:08,429 --> 01:28:13,434 so hard on everyone, with such high standards 2200 01:28:13,600 --> 01:28:17,980 that I've defined my career by it. 2201 01:28:19,648 --> 01:28:23,193 Um, the fact of the matter is that... (clears throat) 2202 01:28:25,404 --> 01:28:26,864 ...my husband is my family. 2203 01:28:27,031 --> 01:28:28,866 I... 2204 01:28:29,033 --> 01:28:32,786 have no one else in my life, so... 2205 01:28:34,997 --> 01:28:36,540 ...so when this happened, 2206 01:28:36,707 --> 01:28:38,542 I felt worse than I have ever felt. 2207 01:28:38,709 --> 01:28:40,854 And I am clinically depressed, so that's saying something. 2208 01:28:40,878 --> 01:28:41,878 (Light laughter) 2209 01:28:42,004 --> 01:28:43,505 And I thought, 2210 01:28:43,672 --> 01:28:46,383 "I don't deserve these things anymore. 2211 01:28:46,550 --> 01:28:48,552 Him or the show." 2212 01:28:48,719 --> 01:28:53,515 But it doesn't matter if I deserve you or not. 2213 01:28:53,682 --> 01:28:55,142 I need you. 2214 01:28:55,309 --> 01:28:57,519 And I've let you down. 2215 01:28:57,686 --> 01:29:00,647 I've taken you for granted for years, 2216 01:29:00,814 --> 01:29:02,024 underestimating you 2217 01:29:02,191 --> 01:29:04,401 and thinking that you wouldn't notice. 2218 01:29:05,778 --> 01:29:07,613 But you did. 2219 01:29:07,780 --> 01:29:11,992 And the other thing I've learned is that this show 2220 01:29:12,159 --> 01:29:14,286 is the source of my energy. 2221 01:29:14,453 --> 01:29:17,331 It's, um, the reason I get up in the morning. 2222 01:29:17,498 --> 01:29:20,292 It's my life. It's my blood. 2223 01:29:20,459 --> 01:29:24,797 Yes, and entertaining you... 2224 01:29:24,963 --> 01:29:28,217 has been the joy of my life. 2225 01:29:30,427 --> 01:29:32,596 Yeah. 2226 01:29:32,763 --> 01:29:36,391 Dear God, I hope I've earned the privilege of your time. 2227 01:29:41,647 --> 01:29:44,233 (Cheering) 2228 01:29:56,161 --> 01:29:58,622 (cheering and applause continue over TV) 2229 01:30:00,958 --> 01:30:03,794 (knocking, door opens) 2230 01:30:03,961 --> 01:30:06,130 I hope I'm not interrupting. 2231 01:30:07,339 --> 01:30:09,174 You know, I got into this business 2232 01:30:09,341 --> 01:30:11,218 because I love television, 2233 01:30:11,385 --> 01:30:13,971 and I want to make relevant television. 2234 01:30:14,138 --> 01:30:15,889 And I know, when I say "relevant," 2235 01:30:16,056 --> 01:30:19,351 you think I mean "pandering" or "lowest common denominator." 2236 01:30:20,644 --> 01:30:22,312 I've dreamed of this day. 2237 01:30:22,479 --> 01:30:24,541 - Caroline, please, I beg you... - You've been so abrupt. 2238 01:30:24,565 --> 01:30:27,151 But as I watched you out there, I realized 2239 01:30:27,317 --> 01:30:30,445 I want to hear your take-- on the world, on everything-- 2240 01:30:30,612 --> 01:30:32,197 and so does everyone else. 2241 01:30:32,364 --> 01:30:34,575 So, the show is yours. 2242 01:30:34,741 --> 01:30:36,410 But I'm watching you, Katherine. 2243 01:30:36,577 --> 01:30:38,328 Just give a damn. 2244 01:30:39,705 --> 01:30:43,167 It's pretty fucking surprising, isn't it? 2245 01:30:45,210 --> 01:30:47,087 (Electronic chiming) 2246 01:30:47,254 --> 01:30:48,755 Hey, is this my Thai food? 2247 01:30:48,922 --> 01:30:50,402 I hope you brought extra peanut sauce. 2248 01:30:50,549 --> 01:30:51,675 I hate when you forget. 2249 01:30:51,842 --> 01:30:53,218 MAN: This isn't your Thai food. 2250 01:30:53,385 --> 01:30:54,845 This is Ms. Newbury's driver. 2251 01:30:55,012 --> 01:30:58,390 Ms. Newbury would like you to come down to the car. 2252 01:30:58,557 --> 01:31:01,351 You can tell her that I don't want to see her. Thank you. 2253 01:31:02,644 --> 01:31:05,564 She said what? Oh, for fuck's sake! 2254 01:31:05,731 --> 01:31:07,858 (Passing train rattling) 2255 01:31:11,778 --> 01:31:14,239 Come on. 2256 01:31:21,371 --> 01:31:23,790 ("Light On" by Maggie Rogers playing) 2257 01:31:23,957 --> 01:31:26,126 ♪ Would you believe me now ♪ 2258 01:31:26,293 --> 01:31:28,795 ♪ If I told you I got caught up in a wave? ♪ 2259 01:31:28,962 --> 01:31:30,672 (Sighs): Son of a bitch. 2260 01:31:30,839 --> 01:31:32,966 ♪ Almost gave it away ♪ 2261 01:31:33,133 --> 01:31:36,094 - ♪ Would you hear me out ♪ - (toy squeaks) 2262 01:31:36,261 --> 01:31:39,389 ♪ If I told you I was terrified for days? ♪ 2263 01:31:39,556 --> 01:31:41,391 ♪ Thought I was gonna break ♪ 2264 01:31:41,558 --> 01:31:42,893 Good afternoon, sir. 2265 01:31:43,060 --> 01:31:45,062 ♪ Oh, I couldn't stop it ♪ 2266 01:31:45,229 --> 01:31:47,439 - ♪ Tried to slow it all down ♪ - Nice. 2267 01:31:47,606 --> 01:31:49,441 ♪ With everyone around me ♪ 2268 01:31:49,608 --> 01:31:51,360 ♪ Saying, "You must be so happy now" ♪ 2269 01:31:51,526 --> 01:31:53,946 Oh, goddamn it. 2270 01:31:54,112 --> 01:31:56,323 - (Panting) - ♪ Keep reaching out 2271 01:31:56,490 --> 01:31:59,618 ♪ Then I'll keep coming back, and if you're gone for good ♪ 2272 01:31:59,785 --> 01:32:01,536 (panting): Oh, fucking hell. 2273 01:32:01,703 --> 01:32:04,081 - ♪ Then I'm okay with that... ♪ - (groaning): Oh, God. 2274 01:32:04,248 --> 01:32:06,750 - (Knocking) - Molly, open up. It's me. 2275 01:32:06,917 --> 01:32:08,627 MOLLY: No. 2276 01:32:08,794 --> 01:32:10,337 I have just driven 2277 01:32:10,504 --> 01:32:12,589 to this horrid little corner of Brooklyn 2278 01:32:12,756 --> 01:32:15,175 and climbed up six flights of stairs to talk to you. 2279 01:32:15,342 --> 01:32:17,511 Now open the bloody door. 2280 01:32:17,678 --> 01:32:19,763 - (Panting) - (locks clicking) 2281 01:32:22,140 --> 01:32:25,227 What do you want? I-I'm very busy right now. 2282 01:32:25,394 --> 01:32:28,397 Why on earth do you live in Coney Island? 2283 01:32:28,563 --> 01:32:29,731 Huh. 2284 01:32:29,898 --> 01:32:31,692 Maybe it's the Ukrainian food scene, 2285 01:32:31,858 --> 01:32:34,152 or perhaps it's the endless subway commute. 2286 01:32:34,319 --> 01:32:36,363 Not all of us can live in a townhouse 2287 01:32:36,530 --> 01:32:38,949 - on Gramercy Park, Katherine. - Point taken. 2288 01:32:39,116 --> 01:32:42,244 I heard you got an offer from Seth Meyers. 2289 01:32:42,411 --> 01:32:45,706 - I don't think you should take it. - (Faucet running) 2290 01:32:45,872 --> 01:32:47,749 Really? Because I was considering it. 2291 01:32:47,916 --> 01:32:50,085 Mostly because I don't have a job. 2292 01:32:50,252 --> 01:32:52,963 Also, he didn't call me a racial quota 2293 01:32:53,130 --> 01:32:55,108 whose existence was completely inconsequential to him. 2294 01:32:55,132 --> 01:32:56,216 Here. 2295 01:32:56,383 --> 01:32:59,219 - You remember that. Shit. - Yeah. 2296 01:32:59,386 --> 01:33:01,346 Look, I'm sorry. 2297 01:33:01,513 --> 01:33:03,849 I'm sorry. 2298 01:33:04,016 --> 01:33:06,601 The thing is, when you hate yourself, 2299 01:33:06,768 --> 01:33:08,854 the only thing that makes you feel better 2300 01:33:09,021 --> 01:33:12,232 is to get other people to feel the same way as you do. 2301 01:33:12,399 --> 01:33:13,859 Is this filtered? 2302 01:33:17,112 --> 01:33:19,823 I didn't mean what I said. 2303 01:33:21,575 --> 01:33:23,410 Thank you... 2304 01:33:23,577 --> 01:33:25,412 for saying that... 2305 01:33:25,579 --> 01:33:27,414 and for coming here. 2306 01:33:27,581 --> 01:33:29,708 - Do you like the color of my wall? - No. 2307 01:33:29,875 --> 01:33:32,252 You know what, I'm not gonna go back and work for you, 2308 01:33:32,419 --> 01:33:34,546 because that was a very toxic work environment. 2309 01:33:38,717 --> 01:33:40,510 (Sighs) 2310 01:33:40,677 --> 01:33:42,637 I need you, Molly. 2311 01:33:44,097 --> 01:33:46,641 I need your pushiness and lack of boundaries. 2312 01:33:46,808 --> 01:33:48,602 I need the annoying way you light up 2313 01:33:48,769 --> 01:33:50,103 every time I walk into the room. 2314 01:33:50,270 --> 01:33:52,522 It makes me feel like I'm not a fraud. 2315 01:33:52,689 --> 01:33:54,691 But mostly, I need your talent. 2316 01:33:56,276 --> 01:33:57,986 You love me. 2317 01:33:58,153 --> 01:33:59,863 No, I didn't say that. I... No. 2318 01:34:00,030 --> 01:34:01,510 I mean, not in those words, but you... 2319 01:34:01,656 --> 01:34:03,217 No, I didn't say it in any of those words. 2320 01:34:03,241 --> 01:34:05,118 But you have made an impression on me. 2321 01:34:05,285 --> 01:34:06,328 A very big impression. 2322 01:34:06,495 --> 01:34:07,496 Please, Molly, come back. 2323 01:34:07,662 --> 01:34:09,122 It won't be the show you left, 2324 01:34:09,289 --> 01:34:12,209 but I need you to help me change it. 2325 01:34:15,170 --> 01:34:17,381 - If I do... - Hmm? 2326 01:34:17,547 --> 01:34:18,882 No more tantrums. 2327 01:34:19,049 --> 01:34:20,342 - Mm. - No more hiring people 2328 01:34:20,509 --> 01:34:22,094 - who all look the same. - Okay. 2329 01:34:22,260 --> 01:34:23,553 No humiliating people. 2330 01:34:23,720 --> 01:34:25,180 And no withering looks. 2331 01:34:26,181 --> 01:34:28,016 - Like that one. - That's my face. 2332 01:34:28,183 --> 01:34:29,226 Can you try smiling? 2333 01:34:30,894 --> 01:34:32,121 - Okay, forget it, forget it. - (Sighs) 2334 01:34:32,145 --> 01:34:33,522 Okay. Yes. 2335 01:34:33,688 --> 01:34:34,689 Oh, yes? 2336 01:34:34,856 --> 01:34:37,025 Well, good. 2337 01:34:37,192 --> 01:34:39,486 Well, I guess I better go if I want to get 2338 01:34:39,653 --> 01:34:41,738 to the bottom of the stairs this century. 2339 01:34:41,905 --> 01:34:43,448 Thank you. All right. 2340 01:34:44,783 --> 01:34:46,868 (Inhales deeply) 2341 01:34:47,035 --> 01:34:49,162 God, I hate Brooklyn. 2342 01:34:49,329 --> 01:34:52,374 (Door opens, closes) 2343 01:34:52,541 --> 01:34:53,625 ♪ Everybody got a nine ♪ 2344 01:34:53,792 --> 01:34:55,627 ♪ Everybody is a bad boy now ♪ 2345 01:34:55,794 --> 01:34:57,963 ♪ Everybody wanna shine ♪ 2346 01:34:58,130 --> 01:34:59,650 ♪ Everybody, drink your champagne now ♪ 2347 01:34:59,756 --> 01:35:01,216 ♪ Everybody is the shit ♪ 2348 01:35:01,383 --> 01:35:03,009 ♪ Everybody is the big thing now ♪ 2349 01:35:03,176 --> 01:35:04,761 ♪ Everybody is the boss ♪ 2350 01:35:04,928 --> 01:35:06,721 ♪ Everybody rocking gold chains now ♪ 2351 01:35:06,888 --> 01:35:09,808 ♪ Ain't nobody wanna work, ain't nobody wanna open up ♪ 2352 01:35:09,975 --> 01:35:12,102 - Thank you. - ♪ Ain't nobody wanna give ♪ 2353 01:35:12,269 --> 01:35:13,854 ♪ Ain't nobody wanna wrap shit up ♪ 2354 01:35:14,020 --> 01:35:15,945 - ♪ in't nobody wanna fail ♪ - Hey. -Hi. 2355 01:35:16,106 --> 01:35:17,899 ♪ Ain't nobody do it real these days ♪ 2356 01:35:18,066 --> 01:35:19,484 ♪ Ain't nobody being true ♪ 2357 01:35:19,651 --> 01:35:21,611 ♪ Ain't nobody ever go my way ♪ 2358 01:35:21,778 --> 01:35:25,198 - ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪ - (indistinct chatter) 2359 01:35:25,365 --> 01:35:28,577 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪ 2360 01:35:28,743 --> 01:35:32,038 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪ 2361 01:35:32,205 --> 01:35:35,750 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪ 2362 01:35:35,917 --> 01:35:37,419 Okay. 2363 01:35:37,586 --> 01:35:39,963 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪ 2364 01:35:40,130 --> 01:35:43,383 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪ 2365 01:35:43,550 --> 01:35:47,179 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪ 2366 01:35:47,345 --> 01:35:50,891 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪ 2367 01:35:51,057 --> 01:35:53,393 ♪ Ain't nobody wanna work ♪ 2368 01:35:54,603 --> 01:35:56,980 ♪ Ain't nobody wanna give ♪ 2369 01:35:58,398 --> 01:36:00,775 ♪ Ain't nobody wanna fail ♪ 2370 01:36:02,152 --> 01:36:04,154 ♪ Ain't nobody being true ♪ 2371 01:36:04,321 --> 01:36:06,531 (indistinct chatter, chuckling) 2372 01:36:06,698 --> 01:36:09,284 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪ 2373 01:36:09,451 --> 01:36:13,121 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪ 2374 01:36:13,288 --> 01:36:18,210 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh. ♪ 2375 01:36:18,376 --> 01:36:19,628 (Band playing show theme) 2376 01:36:19,794 --> 01:36:21,338 ANNOUNCER: Katherine Newbury.