1 00:00:53,995 --> 00:00:57,487 This is a story about a man named Harold Crick. 2 00:00:57,698 --> 00:00:59,928 And his wristwatch. 3 00:01:00,501 --> 00:01:03,197 Harold Crick was a man of infinite numbers... 4 00:01:03,404 --> 00:01:07,067 ... endless calculations and remarkably few words. 5 00:01:07,275 --> 00:01:10,142 And his wristwatch said even less. 6 00:01:11,879 --> 00:01:14,712 Every weekday, for 12 years... 7 00:01:14,916 --> 00:01:20,354 ... Harold would brush each of his 32 teeth 76 times. 8 00:01:21,956 --> 00:01:24,481 Thirty-eight times back and forth. 9 00:01:25,026 --> 00:01:27,358 Thirty-eight times up and down. 10 00:01:28,830 --> 00:01:31,424 Every weekday, for 12 years... 11 00:01:31,632 --> 00:01:35,693 ... Harold would tie his tie in a single Windsor knot instead of the double... 12 00:01:35,903 --> 00:01:38,929 ... thereby saving up to 43 seconds. 13 00:01:39,140 --> 00:01:44,442 His wristwatch thought the single Windsor made his neck look fat... 14 00:01:44,645 --> 00:01:46,237 ... but said nothing. 15 00:01:49,717 --> 00:01:51,947 Every weekday, for 12 years... 16 00:01:52,153 --> 00:01:56,783 ... Harold would run at a rate of nearly 57 steps per block for six blocks... 17 00:01:56,991 --> 00:02:00,324 ... barely catching the 8: 17 Kronecker bus. 18 00:02:00,962 --> 00:02:02,589 His wristwatch would delight... 19 00:02:02,797 --> 00:02:06,699 ... in the feeling of the crisp wind rushing over its face. 20 00:02:15,376 --> 00:02:17,310 And every weekday, for 12 years... 21 00:02:17,512 --> 00:02:20,879 ... Harold would review 7. 134 tax files... 22 00:02:21,082 --> 00:02:24,950 ... as a senior agent for the Internal Revenue Service. 23 00:02:25,486 --> 00:02:29,115 Regs section 1.469-2 (B) (i), Diane. Thanks. 24 00:02:29,323 --> 00:02:31,689 Good morning. IRS. 25 00:02:32,693 --> 00:02:35,457 Harold, 89 times 1417? 26 00:02:36,197 --> 00:02:38,324 126,113. 27 00:02:38,533 --> 00:02:39,500 That adds up. 28 00:02:39,967 --> 00:02:44,199 Only taking a 45. 7-minute lunch break... 29 00:02:45,306 --> 00:02:48,605 ... and a 4.3- Minute coffee break... 30 00:02:48,809 --> 00:02:51,903 ... timed precisely by his wristwatch. 31 00:02:52,380 --> 00:02:53,506 Oh, great. 32 00:02:53,714 --> 00:02:56,012 Yeah, we'll go to Mullen's or we'II... 33 00:02:56,651 --> 00:03:00,747 Beyond that, Harold lived a life of solitude. 34 00:03:01,756 --> 00:03:04,020 He would walk home alone. 35 00:03:05,927 --> 00:03:08,361 He would eat alone. 36 00:03:15,836 --> 00:03:19,738 And at precisely 11: 13 every night... 37 00:03:19,941 --> 00:03:22,705 ... Harold would go to bed alone... 38 00:03:22,910 --> 00:03:27,711 ... placing his wristwatch to rest on the nightstand beside him. 39 00:03:28,849 --> 00:03:32,876 That was, of course, before Wednesday. 40 00:03:34,522 --> 00:03:39,721 On Wednesday, Harold's wristwatch changed everything. 41 00:03:46,267 --> 00:03:47,894 Oh, my God, you got it? 42 00:03:48,102 --> 00:03:49,228 I got it. 43 00:03:49,770 --> 00:03:51,135 I got it. 44 00:04:03,851 --> 00:04:06,319 If one had asked Harold, he would have said... 45 00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:11,321 ... that this particular Wednesday was exactly like all the Wednesdays prior. 46 00:04:11,525 --> 00:04:13,652 And he began it the same way he... 47 00:04:24,438 --> 00:04:27,669 And he began it the same way he always did. 48 00:04:30,911 --> 00:04:32,003 Hello? 49 00:04:41,689 --> 00:04:44,886 He began it the same way he always did. 50 00:04:45,092 --> 00:04:46,719 When others' minds would... 51 00:04:46,927 --> 00:04:48,224 Hello? Is someone there? 52 00:04:55,603 --> 00:04:59,266 When others' minds would fantasize about their upcoming day... 53 00:04:59,473 --> 00:05:03,569 ... or even try to grip onto the final moments of their dreams... 54 00:05:03,778 --> 00:05:07,612 ... Harold just counted brushstrokes. 55 00:05:09,450 --> 00:05:12,578 All right, who just said, "Harold just counted brushstrokes"? 56 00:05:12,787 --> 00:05:15,085 And how do you know I'm counting brushstrokes? 57 00:05:15,756 --> 00:05:17,155 Hello? 58 00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:23,560 It was remarkable how the simple, modest... 59 00:05:26,133 --> 00:05:28,192 It was remarkable h... 60 00:05:32,139 --> 00:05:36,633 It was remarkable how the simple, modest elements of Harold's life... 61 00:05:36,844 --> 00:05:39,005 ... so often taken for granted... 62 00:05:39,213 --> 00:05:44,617 ... would become the catalyst for an entirely new life. 63 00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:47,381 Harold ran for the bus... 64 00:05:47,588 --> 00:05:50,887 ... his stiff leather shoes making a terrible squeaking sound... 65 00:05:51,092 --> 00:05:53,788 ... as they flexed against the asphalt. 66 00:05:59,233 --> 00:06:02,794 And though this was an extraordinary day... 67 00:06:03,003 --> 00:06:06,837 ... a day to be remembered for the rest of Harold's life... 68 00:06:07,041 --> 00:06:09,805 ... Harold just thought it was a Wednesday. 69 00:06:10,678 --> 00:06:12,305 I'm sorry, did you hear that? 70 00:06:13,547 --> 00:06:16,380 The voice. Did you hear it? "Harold thought it was a Wednesday"? 71 00:06:17,184 --> 00:06:19,015 Don't worry, it is Wednesday. 72 00:06:19,487 --> 00:06:23,253 No, no, did you hear it? "Harold just thought it was a Wednesday"? 73 00:06:24,091 --> 00:06:26,719 - Who's Harold? - I'm Harold. 74 00:06:27,328 --> 00:06:29,523 Harold, it's okay, it's Wednesday. 75 00:06:29,730 --> 00:06:31,197 No, no, I... 76 00:06:31,766 --> 00:06:33,358 Never mind. 77 00:06:34,935 --> 00:06:37,369 Harold couldn't concentrate on his work. 78 00:06:37,571 --> 00:06:38,538 Excuse me, Harold? 79 00:06:38,739 --> 00:06:41,674 His thoughts were scattered. His mind elsewhere. 80 00:06:41,876 --> 00:06:43,207 Sorry. 81 00:06:43,611 --> 00:06:46,239 Someone here should be able to fix... Hold on a second. 82 00:06:46,447 --> 00:06:49,712 Hey, Harold. What's 67 times 453? 83 00:06:49,917 --> 00:06:53,717 When a coworker asked the product of 67 and 453... 84 00:06:53,921 --> 00:06:56,116 You know what? I can't think while you're talking. 85 00:06:56,323 --> 00:06:57,813 ... he drew a blank. 86 00:06:58,025 --> 00:06:58,992 - What? - What? 87 00:06:59,226 --> 00:07:03,322 - Harold quickly answered, "30,351." - What? Oh, nothing. 30,351. 88 00:07:03,531 --> 00:07:06,830 Despite the answer really being 31,305. 89 00:07:07,034 --> 00:07:11,630 Wait, wait, wait, 31,305. Sorry. 90 00:07:14,375 --> 00:07:17,674 Dude, I just totally caught some insurance adjuster... 91 00:07:17,878 --> 00:07:20,540 ...claiming his jet ski as a work vehicle. 92 00:07:22,416 --> 00:07:23,781 I'll tell you, it is a shame... 93 00:07:23,984 --> 00:07:26,919 ...that they don't give out an auditor of the year award. 94 00:07:29,223 --> 00:07:30,554 Dude? 95 00:07:31,492 --> 00:07:32,891 You okay? 96 00:07:34,028 --> 00:07:36,121 Dave, I'm being followed. 97 00:07:40,901 --> 00:07:43,335 How are you being followed? You're not moving. 98 00:07:43,637 --> 00:07:46,435 - It's by a voice. - What? 99 00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:49,438 I'm being followed by a woman's voice. 100 00:07:52,446 --> 00:07:53,913 Okay. 101 00:07:55,783 --> 00:07:57,614 What is she saying? 102 00:07:58,319 --> 00:08:00,287 She's narrating. 103 00:08:04,992 --> 00:08:07,927 Harold, you're staring at boxes, what is she narrating? 104 00:08:08,128 --> 00:08:10,426 No, no, no. I had to stop filing. 105 00:08:10,631 --> 00:08:12,462 Watch. Watch. Listen. Listen. 106 00:08:14,635 --> 00:08:16,933 The sound the paper made against the folder... 107 00:08:17,137 --> 00:08:21,403 ... had the same tone as a wave scraping against sand. 108 00:08:22,676 --> 00:08:24,268 And when Harold thought about it... 109 00:08:24,478 --> 00:08:26,708 ... he listened to enough waves every day... 110 00:08:26,914 --> 00:08:31,783 ... to constitute what he imagined to be a deep and endless ocean. 111 00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:34,519 Did you hear that? 112 00:08:34,722 --> 00:08:36,121 You mean you filing? 113 00:08:36,323 --> 00:08:37,915 No, no, no, the voice. 114 00:08:39,026 --> 00:08:40,254 No. 115 00:08:41,695 --> 00:08:46,098 Frightening part is sometimes I do imagine a deep and endless ocean. 116 00:08:47,134 --> 00:08:48,431 What ocean? 117 00:08:48,636 --> 00:08:51,628 The one made by the sound... Forget it. 118 00:08:51,839 --> 00:08:53,807 New audits. Have a good day. 119 00:08:54,008 --> 00:08:55,305 Thank you. 120 00:08:57,645 --> 00:09:03,106 All right, we got a baker and a securities trader. 121 00:09:07,221 --> 00:09:08,848 Maybe you should take the baker. 122 00:09:09,890 --> 00:09:11,152 - Okay? - Okay. 123 00:09:19,466 --> 00:09:21,991 Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! 124 00:09:22,202 --> 00:09:25,228 - You miscreant. - I understand. 125 00:09:25,739 --> 00:09:29,869 Oh, get bent, taxman! 126 00:09:30,077 --> 00:09:32,136 - Taxman! - Taxman! 127 00:09:33,347 --> 00:09:35,178 Taxman! 128 00:09:37,384 --> 00:09:38,851 Go home! 129 00:09:39,053 --> 00:09:41,715 Listen, is there somewhere else we could talk about this? 130 00:09:43,090 --> 00:09:47,720 No. We're gonna talk about this right here. 131 00:09:48,095 --> 00:09:53,556 Okay. It says, the file, that you only paid part of your taxes for last year. 132 00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:56,827 - That's right. - Looks like only 78 percent. 133 00:09:57,037 --> 00:09:58,698 Yep. 134 00:09:59,707 --> 00:10:01,072 So you did it on purpose? 135 00:10:01,275 --> 00:10:02,537 Yep. 136 00:10:02,743 --> 00:10:04,574 So you must have been expecting an audit? 137 00:10:06,747 --> 00:10:10,342 I was expecting a fine... 138 00:10:11,251 --> 00:10:14,118 ...or a sharp reprimand. 139 00:10:14,621 --> 00:10:17,419 A reprimand? This isn't boarding school, Ms. Pascal. 140 00:10:17,624 --> 00:10:19,251 You stole from the government. 141 00:10:20,027 --> 00:10:25,329 No, I didn't steal from the government. I just didn't pay you entirely. 142 00:10:25,532 --> 00:10:28,433 Ms. Pascal, you can't just not pay your taxes. 143 00:10:29,370 --> 00:10:31,201 Yes, I can. 144 00:10:31,405 --> 00:10:33,202 You can if you wanna get audited. 145 00:10:33,474 --> 00:10:36,966 Only if I recognize your right to audit me, Mr. Crick. 146 00:10:37,511 --> 00:10:39,877 Ms. Pascal, I'm right here auditing you. 147 00:10:40,347 --> 00:10:42,338 Now I have to go over your past three years... 148 00:10:42,549 --> 00:10:44,449 ...to make sure that's all you haven't paid. 149 00:10:44,918 --> 00:10:46,078 Fine. 150 00:10:47,454 --> 00:10:50,480 Actually, you know, it's not fine. 151 00:10:50,691 --> 00:10:54,593 Listen, I'm a big supporter of fixing potholes... 152 00:10:54,795 --> 00:10:58,128 ...and erecting swing sets and building shelters. 153 00:10:58,332 --> 00:11:01,563 I am more than happy to pay those taxes. 154 00:11:02,369 --> 00:11:06,203 I'm just not such a big fan of the percentage... 155 00:11:06,407 --> 00:11:10,002 ...that the government uses for national defense... 156 00:11:10,210 --> 00:11:13,771 ...corporate bailouts and campaign discretionary funds. 157 00:11:13,981 --> 00:11:17,508 So I didn't pay those taxes. 158 00:11:17,718 --> 00:11:19,345 I think, actually... 159 00:11:19,553 --> 00:11:23,250 ...I sent a letter to that effect with my return. 160 00:11:23,724 --> 00:11:27,626 Would it be the letter that begins, "Dear Imperialist Swine"? 161 00:11:27,828 --> 00:11:29,056 Yes. 162 00:11:30,064 --> 00:11:34,763 Ms. Pascal, what you're describing is anarchy. Are you an anarchist? 163 00:11:35,736 --> 00:11:40,366 - You mean am I a member of...? - An anarchist group, yes. 164 00:11:41,475 --> 00:11:43,705 Anarchists have a group? 165 00:11:43,911 --> 00:11:45,344 I believe so. Sure. 166 00:11:45,813 --> 00:11:47,041 They assemble? 167 00:11:48,749 --> 00:11:50,546 I don't know. 168 00:11:51,418 --> 00:11:55,286 Wouldn't that completely defeat the purpose? 169 00:11:55,689 --> 00:11:59,785 It was difficult for Harold to imagine Ms. Pascal as a revolutionary. 170 00:11:59,993 --> 00:12:01,221 - Not now. - Her thin arms... 171 00:12:01,428 --> 00:12:03,453 - What? ...hoisting protest signs. 172 00:12:03,664 --> 00:12:05,188 - Her long shapely legs... - Nothing. 173 00:12:05,399 --> 00:12:08,027 ... dashing from tear gas. 174 00:12:08,335 --> 00:12:10,633 Harold wasn't prone to fantasies... 175 00:12:10,838 --> 00:12:14,433 ... and so he tried his best to remain professional. 176 00:12:15,142 --> 00:12:17,007 But, of course, failed. 177 00:12:17,478 --> 00:12:20,675 He couldn't help but imagine Ms. Pascal... 178 00:12:20,881 --> 00:12:24,874 ... stroking the side of his face with the soft blade of her finger. 179 00:12:26,253 --> 00:12:29,689 He couldn't help but imagine her immersed in a tub... 180 00:12:29,890 --> 00:12:32,290 ... shaving her legs. 181 00:12:32,493 --> 00:12:36,156 And he couldn't help but imagine her naked... 182 00:12:36,363 --> 00:12:38,854 ...stretched across his bed. - Mr. Crick? 183 00:12:41,435 --> 00:12:44,336 - Mr. Crick. - Yes, what is it? 184 00:12:44,538 --> 00:12:47,234 You're staring at my tits. 185 00:12:49,042 --> 00:12:52,500 I wa...? I don't think I was. I don't think I would do that. 186 00:12:52,713 --> 00:12:54,340 If I was, I can assure you... 187 00:12:54,548 --> 00:12:57,779 ...it was only as a representative of the United States government. 188 00:12:58,485 --> 00:13:04,253 Sorry, I'm just having issues today. So I'll be back on Tuesday. 189 00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:11,260 Harold suddenly found himself beleaguered and exasperated... 190 00:13:11,465 --> 00:13:13,865 ...outside the bakery... - Shut up! 191 00:13:14,067 --> 00:13:16,035 ... cursing the heavens in futility. 192 00:13:16,236 --> 00:13:18,466 No, I'm not, I'm cursing you, you stupid voice! 193 00:13:18,672 --> 00:13:21,607 So shut up and leave me alone! 194 00:13:48,368 --> 00:13:50,563 Hey, watch it! 195 00:14:19,333 --> 00:14:20,891 Excuse me. 196 00:14:22,636 --> 00:14:24,570 Excuse me. 197 00:14:29,042 --> 00:14:30,407 Are you Miss Eiffel? 198 00:14:33,013 --> 00:14:34,105 - Yes. - Excellent. 199 00:14:34,314 --> 00:14:35,838 May I ask what you're doing? 200 00:14:37,451 --> 00:14:38,941 Research. 201 00:14:39,152 --> 00:14:41,017 - Oh, am I interrupting? - Yes. 202 00:14:41,221 --> 00:14:44,122 I'm sorry. I'm Penny Escher. 203 00:14:44,324 --> 00:14:46,189 I'm the assistant your publishers hired. 204 00:14:47,327 --> 00:14:50,490 - The spy. - The assistant. 205 00:14:50,697 --> 00:14:53,131 I provide the same services as a secretary. 206 00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:55,363 I don't need a secretary. 207 00:14:56,136 --> 00:14:59,128 Then I will have to find some other way of occupying my time. 208 00:14:59,339 --> 00:15:00,966 Like watching me like a vulture... 209 00:15:01,174 --> 00:15:03,904 ...because the publishers think I have writer's block, right? 210 00:15:04,845 --> 00:15:06,710 Do you have writer's block? 211 00:15:10,350 --> 00:15:11,817 Are these pages? 212 00:15:12,019 --> 00:15:14,487 They're letters. To me. 213 00:15:15,188 --> 00:15:18,089 - Are you writing back? - I don't respond to letters. 214 00:15:18,725 --> 00:15:21,353 And I suppose you smoked all these cigarettes? 215 00:15:21,828 --> 00:15:24,092 No, they came pre-smoked. 216 00:15:24,564 --> 00:15:27,032 Yeah, they said you were funny. 217 00:15:31,038 --> 00:15:33,734 What do you think about leaping off a building? 218 00:15:34,808 --> 00:15:36,605 I don't think about leaping off buildings. 219 00:15:36,810 --> 00:15:39,608 - Yes, you do. - No. I try to think of nice things. 220 00:15:39,813 --> 00:15:41,747 Everyone thinks about leaping off buildings. 221 00:15:41,948 --> 00:15:45,611 Well, I certainly don't think about leaping off of a building. 222 00:15:52,793 --> 00:15:54,556 They say... 223 00:15:59,866 --> 00:16:02,767 I read this in this fantastically depressing book. 224 00:16:03,904 --> 00:16:06,429 - That when you jump from a building... 225 00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:09,973 ...it's rarely the impact that actually kills you. 226 00:16:10,444 --> 00:16:12,537 Well, I'm sure it doesn't help. 227 00:16:12,913 --> 00:16:16,906 There's a photograph in the book called The Leaper. 228 00:16:17,117 --> 00:16:18,641 It's old, but it's beautiful. 229 00:16:19,553 --> 00:16:23,319 From above the corpse of a woman who'd just leapt to her death. 230 00:16:23,590 --> 00:16:27,583 There's blood around her head, like a halo... 231 00:16:27,794 --> 00:16:30,922 ...and her leg's buckled underneath, her arm's snapped like a twig... 232 00:16:32,332 --> 00:16:34,823 ...but her face is so serene... 233 00:16:35,369 --> 00:16:37,428 ...so at peace. 234 00:16:37,938 --> 00:16:39,838 And I think it's because when she died... 235 00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:43,441 ...she could feel the wind against her face. 236 00:16:48,782 --> 00:16:53,014 I don't know how to kill Harold Crick. That's why they sent you. 237 00:16:53,587 --> 00:16:55,555 Yes, to help you. 238 00:16:56,790 --> 00:16:58,257 How are you gonna help me? 239 00:16:58,458 --> 00:17:00,585 You, who never thinks of leaping off buildings? 240 00:17:00,794 --> 00:17:03,388 What great inspiration will you bestow on me? 241 00:17:03,597 --> 00:17:05,895 I'll tell you, the quaint ideas you've gathered... 242 00:17:06,099 --> 00:17:08,124 ...in your adorable career as an "assistant"... 243 00:17:08,335 --> 00:17:11,168 ...are to no avail when faced with killing a man. 244 00:17:11,872 --> 00:17:13,635 I understand. 245 00:17:13,974 --> 00:17:16,670 Do you? I can't just... 246 00:17:23,583 --> 00:17:24,880 As much as I would like to... 247 00:17:25,085 --> 00:17:28,816 ...I cannot simply throw Harold Crick off a building. 248 00:17:35,495 --> 00:17:40,728 Miss Eiffel. Kay. I've been an author's assistant for 11 years. 249 00:17:40,934 --> 00:17:43,698 I've helped more than 20 authors complete more than 35 books... 250 00:17:43,904 --> 00:17:45,963 ...and I've never missed the deadline. 251 00:17:46,173 --> 00:17:49,165 And I have never gone back to the publisher to ask for more time. 252 00:17:49,376 --> 00:17:52,812 Now, I will be available to you every minute of every day... 253 00:17:53,013 --> 00:17:56,642 ...until the final punctuation is embedded on the very last page. 254 00:17:56,850 --> 00:18:01,219 I do not like loud music. I do not abide narcotics. 255 00:18:01,521 --> 00:18:06,720 And I will gladly and quietly help you kill Harold Crick. 256 00:18:15,635 --> 00:18:20,004 I had a very interesting little convo with someone in your section. 257 00:18:20,207 --> 00:18:21,401 Yeah? 258 00:18:22,776 --> 00:18:25,540 They said you were feeling a little wibbly-wobbly. 259 00:18:28,682 --> 00:18:30,741 Catch a little cubicle fever? 260 00:18:31,284 --> 00:18:33,252 Oh, I don't know. I think I'm okay. 261 00:18:33,987 --> 00:18:39,220 Harold, a tree doesn't think it's a tree... 262 00:18:39,559 --> 00:18:41,618 ...it is a tree. 263 00:18:42,128 --> 00:18:44,926 Why was Harold talking to this man? 264 00:18:45,432 --> 00:18:47,900 This man was an idiot. 265 00:18:48,101 --> 00:18:53,596 This man used words like "wibbly-wobbly" and "convo." 266 00:18:54,074 --> 00:18:57,202 And explained that trees were trees. 267 00:18:57,744 --> 00:18:59,473 Of course trees were trees. 268 00:18:59,679 --> 00:19:01,408 Harold knew trees were trees. 269 00:19:01,615 --> 00:19:03,242 I am going to believe you, Harold. 270 00:19:03,450 --> 00:19:05,884 What Harold didn't know was why he couldn't shake... 271 00:19:06,086 --> 00:19:08,646 ... the smell of brownies from his senses. 272 00:19:08,855 --> 00:19:13,315 Why Ms. Pascal had made his fingertips quiver and lips go numb. 273 00:19:14,828 --> 00:19:16,193 Harold? 274 00:19:18,598 --> 00:19:20,725 Yes? Sorry. 275 00:19:21,334 --> 00:19:23,495 What's going on, Harold? 276 00:19:25,005 --> 00:19:26,267 Well... 277 00:19:28,675 --> 00:19:31,803 Nothing. Everything's fine. 278 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:37,049 Listen, according to your records... 279 00:19:37,250 --> 00:19:41,914 ...you haven't taken vacation in a few years now. 280 00:19:42,122 --> 00:19:45,250 Let's say you take a little break. 281 00:19:45,859 --> 00:19:48,225 Use some of that vaca time. 282 00:19:49,863 --> 00:19:53,196 Yeah. I'll think about it. 283 00:19:57,537 --> 00:19:58,902 Harold. 284 00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:05,641 I'm not really supposed to do this, but... 285 00:20:24,931 --> 00:20:27,456 Harold assumed his watch was simply on the fritz... 286 00:20:27,667 --> 00:20:31,467 ... and never even considered that it might be trying to tell him something. 287 00:20:34,407 --> 00:20:37,467 In fact, Harold had never once paid attention to his watch... 288 00:20:37,677 --> 00:20:39,542 ... other than to find out the time. 289 00:20:39,746 --> 00:20:44,012 And, honestly, it drove his watch crazy. 290 00:20:44,417 --> 00:20:46,817 And so, on this particular Wednesday evening... 291 00:20:47,020 --> 00:20:50,387 ... as Harold waited for the bus, his watch suddenly... 292 00:20:51,224 --> 00:20:53,089 ... stopped. 293 00:20:54,828 --> 00:20:56,591 Sorry, does anyone have the time? 294 00:20:57,530 --> 00:21:00,761 - Yeah, I got 6:18. - Thanks. 295 00:21:00,967 --> 00:21:07,065 Thus Harold's watch thrust him into the immitigable path of fate. 296 00:21:07,273 --> 00:21:11,539 Little did he know that this simple, seemingly innocuous act... 297 00:21:11,745 --> 00:21:14,543 ... would result in his imminent death. 298 00:21:14,881 --> 00:21:17,008 What? What? 299 00:21:17,217 --> 00:21:19,208 Hey! Hello? 300 00:21:19,686 --> 00:21:21,085 What? 301 00:21:21,788 --> 00:21:23,050 Why? 302 00:21:23,790 --> 00:21:25,451 Why my death? 303 00:21:25,692 --> 00:21:27,091 Hello! 304 00:21:27,727 --> 00:21:29,786 Excuse me! 305 00:21:30,263 --> 00:21:31,958 When? 306 00:21:32,666 --> 00:21:34,657 How imminent? 307 00:21:35,602 --> 00:21:37,194 Okay, where are you? 308 00:21:44,577 --> 00:21:48,741 "Harold would brush his 32 teeth 72 times." 309 00:21:49,249 --> 00:21:52,810 Why won't you say anything? I heard you. 310 00:21:53,453 --> 00:21:55,614 "That would result in his imminent death." 311 00:21:56,256 --> 00:21:58,053 I heard you! 312 00:21:58,758 --> 00:22:00,385 Come on, you stupid voice. 313 00:22:00,593 --> 00:22:03,153 "Harold frantically grabbed his lamp. 314 00:22:04,130 --> 00:22:08,590 Harold, incensed, shook the hell out of it for no apparent reason! 315 00:22:08,802 --> 00:22:12,465 And smashed it on the ground, kicking it repeatedly! 316 00:22:14,207 --> 00:22:17,074 Harold took his Kleenex box, threw it across the room... 317 00:22:17,277 --> 00:22:18,904 ...then stormed the closet!" 318 00:22:21,614 --> 00:22:23,673 Come on. Say something. 319 00:22:25,885 --> 00:22:28,445 Something. Say something! 320 00:22:29,689 --> 00:22:31,680 Say something! 321 00:22:38,631 --> 00:22:41,464 "Harold, distraught..." 322 00:22:43,369 --> 00:22:44,859 God. 323 00:22:45,338 --> 00:22:47,431 "Harold, distraught..." 324 00:22:50,510 --> 00:22:52,034 "Harold..." 325 00:22:56,182 --> 00:23:00,414 I'm afraid what you're describing is schizophrenia. 326 00:23:02,822 --> 00:23:08,124 No. No. It's not schizophrenia. It's just a voice in my head. 327 00:23:08,328 --> 00:23:11,991 I mean, the voice isn't telling me to do anything. 328 00:23:12,198 --> 00:23:14,689 It's telling me what I've already done. 329 00:23:15,068 --> 00:23:17,901 Accurately and with a better vocabulary. 330 00:23:18,772 --> 00:23:21,707 Mr. Crick, you have a voice speaking to you. 331 00:23:22,175 --> 00:23:25,303 No, not to me, about me. 332 00:23:25,779 --> 00:23:30,716 I'm somehow involved in some sort of story. 333 00:23:31,117 --> 00:23:33,677 Like I'm a character in my own life. 334 00:23:34,220 --> 00:23:38,020 But the problem is that the voice comes and goes. 335 00:23:38,324 --> 00:23:41,452 Like there are other parts of the story not being told to me... 336 00:23:41,661 --> 00:23:45,222 ...and I need to find out what those other parts are before it's too late. 337 00:23:45,698 --> 00:23:48,428 Before the story concludes with your death. 338 00:23:48,635 --> 00:23:50,000 Yes. 339 00:23:50,804 --> 00:23:53,272 Mr. Crick, I hate to sound like a broken record... 340 00:23:53,473 --> 00:23:55,771 ...but that's schizophrenia. 341 00:23:57,177 --> 00:24:01,807 You don't sound like a broken record, but it's just not schizophrenia. 342 00:24:02,882 --> 00:24:05,715 What if what I said was true? 343 00:24:05,919 --> 00:24:11,186 Hypothetically speaking, if I was part of a story, a narrative... 344 00:24:11,391 --> 00:24:15,259 ...even if it was only in my mind... 345 00:24:15,595 --> 00:24:17,187 ...what would you suggest that I do? 346 00:24:18,131 --> 00:24:21,225 I would suggest you take prescribed medication. 347 00:24:22,569 --> 00:24:24,196 Other than that. 348 00:24:24,404 --> 00:24:26,304 I don't know. 349 00:24:26,940 --> 00:24:31,001 I suppose I would send you to see someone who knows about literature. 350 00:24:33,313 --> 00:24:34,507 Okay. 351 00:24:35,415 --> 00:24:38,475 Yeah. That's a good idea. 352 00:24:39,185 --> 00:24:40,914 Thank you. 353 00:24:41,554 --> 00:24:44,148 So you're the gentleman who called me about the narrator. 354 00:24:44,357 --> 00:24:47,019 - Yes. - This narrator says you're gonna die. 355 00:24:47,227 --> 00:24:48,353 Yes. 356 00:24:48,561 --> 00:24:52,019 - How long has it given you to live? - I don't know. 357 00:24:52,298 --> 00:24:55,563 Dramatic irony. It'll fuck you every time. 358 00:24:56,569 --> 00:24:58,560 - So you crazy or what? - Well... 359 00:24:58,771 --> 00:25:00,796 Are you allowed to say that to crazy people? 360 00:25:01,007 --> 00:25:03,134 - I don't know. - Oh, well. How many stairs... 361 00:25:03,343 --> 00:25:05,641 ...in the hallway out there? - What? 362 00:25:05,845 --> 00:25:08,109 You were counting them as we walked, weren't you? 363 00:25:08,314 --> 00:25:09,508 No. 364 00:25:09,716 --> 00:25:11,411 Of course. What bank do you work at? 365 00:25:11,618 --> 00:25:13,779 No bank. IRS agent. 366 00:25:14,420 --> 00:25:15,512 - Married? - No. 367 00:25:15,722 --> 00:25:16,746 Ever? 368 00:25:16,956 --> 00:25:19,891 Engaged to an auditor. She left me for an actuary. 369 00:25:20,093 --> 00:25:23,859 - How heartbreaking. Live alone? - Yes. 370 00:25:25,164 --> 00:25:28,463 - Any pets? - No. 371 00:25:28,835 --> 00:25:32,703 - Friends? - No. Well, Dave at work. 372 00:25:33,940 --> 00:25:37,103 I see. The narrator, exactly what does he sound like? 373 00:25:37,310 --> 00:25:38,641 It's a woman. 374 00:25:39,879 --> 00:25:41,176 A woman. 375 00:25:41,381 --> 00:25:43,508 - Is it a familiar woman? - No. 376 00:25:43,716 --> 00:25:45,411 Someone you know? 377 00:25:46,286 --> 00:25:47,480 No. 378 00:25:47,687 --> 00:25:50,315 Did you have enough time to count the tiles in the bathroom? 379 00:25:50,890 --> 00:25:52,858 I wasn't counting the tiles. 380 00:25:54,294 --> 00:25:56,057 - Coffee? - No, thank you. 381 00:25:56,262 --> 00:25:57,729 - Sure? - Yes. 382 00:25:58,898 --> 00:26:01,366 So this woman, the voice, told you you're gonna die? 383 00:26:01,567 --> 00:26:03,797 She didn't tell me. She doesn't know I can hear her. 384 00:26:04,003 --> 00:26:05,800 - But she said it. - Yes. 385 00:26:06,005 --> 00:26:07,233 And you believed her. 386 00:26:08,074 --> 00:26:09,871 She's been right about a few other things. 387 00:26:10,076 --> 00:26:13,637 - Such as? - How I felt about work. 388 00:26:13,846 --> 00:26:16,314 - You dislike your work? - Yes. 389 00:26:17,917 --> 00:26:20,545 Well, not the most insightful voice in the world, is it? 390 00:26:20,787 --> 00:26:23,051 First thing on a list of what Americans hate: Work. 391 00:26:23,256 --> 00:26:25,918 Second, traffic. Third, missing socks. See what I'm saying? 392 00:26:26,125 --> 00:26:27,092 Sort of. 393 00:26:27,293 --> 00:26:29,284 I told you you were gonna die, you believe me? 394 00:26:29,495 --> 00:26:30,826 - No. - Why? 395 00:26:31,030 --> 00:26:32,395 I don't know you. 396 00:26:32,598 --> 00:26:34,657 - But you don't know this narrator. - Well... 397 00:26:35,935 --> 00:26:40,497 - Okay, Mr. Crick, I can't help you. - Why? 398 00:26:40,707 --> 00:26:43,767 Well, I'm not an expert in crazy, I'm an expert in literature theory. 399 00:26:43,977 --> 00:26:46,411 And I gotta tell you, thus far... 400 00:26:46,612 --> 00:26:49,513 ...there doesn't seem to be a single literary thing about you. 401 00:26:49,716 --> 00:26:53,015 I don't doubt you hear a voice, but it couldn't possibly be a narrator... 402 00:26:53,219 --> 00:26:56,245 ...because, frankly, there doesn't seem to be much to narrate. 403 00:26:56,456 --> 00:26:58,890 Beside that, this semester I'm teaching five courses. 404 00:26:59,092 --> 00:27:00,787 I'm mentoring two doctoral candidates... 405 00:27:00,994 --> 00:27:02,962 ...and I'm the faculty lifeguard at the pool. 406 00:27:05,298 --> 00:27:08,825 - I just thought you could possibly... - Perhaps you should keep a journal. 407 00:27:09,035 --> 00:27:11,003 Write down what she said or something. 408 00:27:11,204 --> 00:27:13,934 That's all I can suggest. 409 00:27:15,942 --> 00:27:18,536 I can barely remember it all. I just remember: 410 00:27:18,745 --> 00:27:23,239 "Little did he know that this simple, seemingly innocuous act... 411 00:27:23,449 --> 00:27:25,917 ...would lead to his imminent death." 412 00:27:26,119 --> 00:27:28,986 - What? - "Little did he know that this..." 413 00:27:29,188 --> 00:27:31,952 - Did you say, "little did he know"? - Yes. 414 00:27:33,426 --> 00:27:36,293 I've written papers on "little did he know." 415 00:27:36,863 --> 00:27:39,957 I used to teach a class based on "little did he know." 416 00:27:41,367 --> 00:27:45,030 I mean, I once gave an entire seminar on "little did he know." 417 00:27:45,238 --> 00:27:47,069 Son of a bitch, Harold. 418 00:27:48,107 --> 00:27:50,940 "Little did he know" means there's something he doesn't know... 419 00:27:51,144 --> 00:27:54,477 ...that means there's something you don't know. Did you know that? 420 00:27:55,882 --> 00:27:58,316 - I want you to come back Friday. - Okay. 421 00:27:58,518 --> 00:28:00,748 No, "imminent," you could be dead by Friday. 422 00:28:00,953 --> 00:28:04,980 Come back tomorrow at 9:45. 423 00:28:05,191 --> 00:28:07,489 Ten seconds ago you said you wouldn't help me. 424 00:28:09,295 --> 00:28:11,923 It's been a very revealing 10 seconds, Harold. 425 00:28:16,002 --> 00:28:18,368 Harold was deep in thought. 426 00:28:18,571 --> 00:28:23,031 For a few, brief moments, from Born Boulevard to Euclid Avenue... 427 00:28:23,242 --> 00:28:25,710 ... all the calculations and all the rules... 428 00:28:25,912 --> 00:28:30,212 ... and all the precision of Harold's life just faded away. 429 00:28:31,451 --> 00:28:35,217 How perfect then that in this space... 430 00:28:35,421 --> 00:28:38,322 ... Ana Pascal would appear. 431 00:28:39,625 --> 00:28:40,785 Ms. Pascal. 432 00:28:43,096 --> 00:28:45,291 Ms. Pascal, it's Harold Crick from the IRS. 433 00:28:45,498 --> 00:28:46,965 Excuse me. 434 00:28:50,203 --> 00:28:52,933 - Hi. - Hi. 435 00:28:53,139 --> 00:28:55,903 - Would you like a seat? - Nope. 436 00:28:56,109 --> 00:28:58,134 There's 11 open ones. 437 00:28:58,344 --> 00:29:00,073 I don't care. 438 00:29:03,950 --> 00:29:05,042 Sorry about that. 439 00:29:16,829 --> 00:29:18,262 How are you? 440 00:29:18,865 --> 00:29:21,095 I'm lousy. I'm being audited. 441 00:29:22,502 --> 00:29:23,696 Of course. 442 00:29:24,137 --> 00:29:25,934 By a real creep too. 443 00:29:32,111 --> 00:29:34,705 I think I owe you an apology. 444 00:29:35,681 --> 00:29:38,172 - Really? - IRS agents... 445 00:29:38,384 --> 00:29:41,785 ...we're given rigorous aptitude tests before we can work. 446 00:29:42,522 --> 00:29:46,856 Unfortunately for you, we aren't tested on tact or good manners... 447 00:29:47,193 --> 00:29:49,286 ...so I apologize. 448 00:29:50,196 --> 00:29:53,290 I ogled you. 449 00:29:55,101 --> 00:29:56,466 Sorry. 450 00:30:00,740 --> 00:30:03,334 Okay, apology accepted. 451 00:30:04,377 --> 00:30:07,107 But only because you stammered. 452 00:30:13,886 --> 00:30:17,253 So you're a frequenter of the metropolitan transit authority too? 453 00:30:18,224 --> 00:30:20,556 No. I'm just late. 454 00:30:21,561 --> 00:30:23,791 Big flag-burning to get to? 455 00:30:24,964 --> 00:30:26,488 Actually... 456 00:30:27,633 --> 00:30:32,093 ...it's my weekly evil-conspiracy and needlepoint group. 457 00:30:33,439 --> 00:30:35,066 You wanna come? 458 00:30:36,342 --> 00:30:39,743 I left my thimbles and socialist reading material at home. 459 00:30:41,581 --> 00:30:42,980 So... 460 00:30:46,452 --> 00:30:49,580 Harold nervously made small talk. 461 00:30:50,690 --> 00:30:53,056 You have very straight teeth. 462 00:30:53,259 --> 00:30:54,920 Very small talk. 463 00:30:56,195 --> 00:30:59,164 Thanks. They're real. 464 00:30:59,365 --> 00:31:02,698 Harold quickly calculated the odds of making an ass of himself... 465 00:31:02,902 --> 00:31:06,736 ... in ratio to the amount of time he stayed to chat. 466 00:31:08,207 --> 00:31:10,334 This is my stop. I should go. 467 00:31:12,478 --> 00:31:14,878 - He was elated and surprised... - See you soon. 468 00:31:15,081 --> 00:31:19,074 ... by his somewhat flirtatious encounter with Ms. Pascal. 469 00:31:19,585 --> 00:31:22,554 So elated that he exited the Transit Authority bus... 470 00:31:22,755 --> 00:31:27,158 ... a good 27 blocks too early and would now have to walk. 471 00:31:46,078 --> 00:31:48,512 - "You ain't down yet." - That's right. 472 00:31:48,714 --> 00:31:53,242 Tell us, what is You Ain't Got Nothin' On Me about, Emmett Cole? 473 00:31:53,452 --> 00:31:55,010 What does this mean? 474 00:31:55,221 --> 00:32:00,056 Well, it's about being around in the world, doing different things... 475 00:32:00,259 --> 00:32:02,557 ...doing what you wanna do... - Come in. 476 00:32:05,698 --> 00:32:09,691 Mr. Crick. Come in, come in. Please. 477 00:32:11,871 --> 00:32:12,895 How are you? 478 00:32:13,606 --> 00:32:14,834 I'm fine, actually. 479 00:32:15,041 --> 00:32:16,872 You can turn that off. 480 00:32:17,410 --> 00:32:19,901 Looks like our narrator hasn't killed you quite yet. 481 00:32:20,112 --> 00:32:23,377 - No, not yet. - Good, great. Have a seat. 482 00:32:24,116 --> 00:32:26,107 - Count the stairs outside? - No. 483 00:32:26,319 --> 00:32:29,288 Course not. I've devised a test... 484 00:32:29,488 --> 00:32:31,956 How exciting is that? - Of 23 questions... 485 00:32:32,158 --> 00:32:35,719 ...which I think might help uncover more truths about this narrator. 486 00:32:35,928 --> 00:32:37,759 - Now, Howard... - Harold. 487 00:32:37,963 --> 00:32:41,797 Harold. These may seem silly, but your candor is paramount. 488 00:32:42,001 --> 00:32:43,491 Okay. 489 00:32:43,969 --> 00:32:45,368 So. 490 00:32:47,573 --> 00:32:51,475 We know it's a woman's voice, the story involves your death... 491 00:32:53,145 --> 00:32:54,703 ...it's modern, it's in English. 492 00:32:54,914 --> 00:32:57,712 I'm assuming the author has a cursory knowledge of the city. 493 00:32:57,917 --> 00:33:00,852 - Sure. - Okay, good. 494 00:33:03,556 --> 00:33:05,285 Question one: 495 00:33:05,491 --> 00:33:07,982 "Has anyone recently left any gifts outside your home?" 496 00:33:08,194 --> 00:33:09,752 Anything? Gum? Money? 497 00:33:09,962 --> 00:33:12,089 - A large wooden horse? - I'm sorry? 498 00:33:12,298 --> 00:33:14,289 - Just answer the question. - No. 499 00:33:14,500 --> 00:33:17,128 "Do you find yourself inclined to solve murder mysteries... 500 00:33:17,336 --> 00:33:20,737 ...in large, luxurious homes to which...?" Let me finish. 501 00:33:20,940 --> 00:33:23,431 "To which you may or may not have been invited?" 502 00:33:23,642 --> 00:33:24,836 No. No, no, no. 503 00:33:25,044 --> 00:33:28,070 All right. On a scale of one to 10... 504 00:33:28,280 --> 00:33:31,807 ...what would you consider the likelihood you might be assassinated? 505 00:33:32,385 --> 00:33:33,352 Assassinated? 506 00:33:33,552 --> 00:33:36,817 One being very unlikely, 10 being expecting it around every corner. 507 00:33:37,690 --> 00:33:40,420 - I have no idea... - Okay. Let me rephrase. 508 00:33:41,260 --> 00:33:43,251 Are you the king of anything? 509 00:33:44,330 --> 00:33:45,354 - Like what? - Anything. 510 00:33:45,564 --> 00:33:47,862 King of the lanes at the local bowling alley. 511 00:33:48,067 --> 00:33:49,466 "King of the lanes"? 512 00:33:49,668 --> 00:33:53,536 - King of the lanes. King of the trolls. - "King of the trolls"? 513 00:33:53,739 --> 00:33:58,039 Yes. A clandestine land found underneath your floorboards. 514 00:33:58,244 --> 00:33:59,541 - Anything. - No. 515 00:33:59,745 --> 00:34:01,804 No. That's ridiculous. 516 00:34:02,014 --> 00:34:05,108 Agreed. But let's start with ridiculous and move backwards. 517 00:34:05,751 --> 00:34:08,686 Now, was any part of you at one time part of something else? 518 00:34:08,888 --> 00:34:11,049 Like do I have someone else's arms? 519 00:34:11,257 --> 00:34:14,283 Well, is it possible at one time that you were made of stone... 520 00:34:14,493 --> 00:34:16,393 ...wood, lye, varied corpse parts... 521 00:34:16,595 --> 00:34:18,961 ...or earth made holy by rabbinical elders? 522 00:34:19,165 --> 00:34:22,862 No. Look... I'm sorry. What do these questions have to do with anything? 523 00:34:23,068 --> 00:34:25,195 The only way to find out what story you're in... 524 00:34:25,404 --> 00:34:27,395 ...is to determine what stories you're not in. 525 00:34:27,606 --> 00:34:30,871 Odd as it may seem, I've just ruled out half of Greek literature... 526 00:34:31,076 --> 00:34:33,169 ...seven fairy tales, 10 Chinese fables... 527 00:34:33,379 --> 00:34:36,314 ...and determined conclusively that you are not King Hamlet... 528 00:34:36,515 --> 00:34:38,506 ...Scout Finch, Miss Marple... 529 00:34:38,717 --> 00:34:42,380 ...Frankenstein's monster, or a golem. 530 00:34:47,526 --> 00:34:49,551 Aren't you relieved to know you're not a golem? 531 00:34:50,596 --> 00:34:53,929 Yes, I am relieved to know that I am not a golem. 532 00:34:54,133 --> 00:34:55,100 Good. 533 00:35:00,039 --> 00:35:01,734 Do you have magical powers? 534 00:35:37,376 --> 00:35:39,571 May I ask what we're doing out here? 535 00:35:39,778 --> 00:35:43,305 - We're imagining car wrecks. - I see. 536 00:35:44,650 --> 00:35:46,914 And we can't imagine car wrecks inside? 537 00:35:47,119 --> 00:35:48,643 No. 538 00:35:49,488 --> 00:35:51,718 Did you know that 41 percent of accidents... 539 00:35:51,924 --> 00:35:54,415 ...occur in times of inclement weather? 540 00:35:54,627 --> 00:35:56,891 So do 90 percent of pneumonia cases. 541 00:35:57,096 --> 00:36:01,999 Really? Pneumonia. That's an interesting way to die. 542 00:36:02,935 --> 00:36:05,563 But how would Harold catch pneumonia? 543 00:36:05,771 --> 00:36:07,762 Have you written anything new today? 544 00:36:07,973 --> 00:36:09,235 No. 545 00:36:09,441 --> 00:36:12,239 Did you read the poems I suggested, or make a list of words... 546 00:36:12,444 --> 00:36:14,412 ...buy new typing paper, anything? 547 00:36:14,613 --> 00:36:16,171 No, none of it. 548 00:36:17,550 --> 00:36:19,313 Sitting in the rain won't write books. 549 00:36:19,518 --> 00:36:23,784 Well, that illustrates exactly how much you know about writing books. 550 00:36:30,930 --> 00:36:32,090 What's this? 551 00:36:32,698 --> 00:36:35,030 It's literature on the nicotine patch. 552 00:36:36,402 --> 00:36:39,599 I don't need a nicotine patch, Penny. I smoke cigarettes. 553 00:36:40,639 --> 00:36:41,901 Well, it may help. 554 00:36:42,107 --> 00:36:45,235 May help? Help what? 555 00:36:45,711 --> 00:36:48,612 Help what, Penny? Help write a novel? 556 00:36:48,814 --> 00:36:51,044 May help save your life. 557 00:36:51,383 --> 00:36:53,817 I'm not in the business of saving lives. 558 00:36:56,589 --> 00:36:58,614 In fact, just the opposite. 559 00:37:01,694 --> 00:37:03,787 - "What's your favorite word?" - Integer. 560 00:37:03,996 --> 00:37:05,520 Good, good, good. 561 00:37:05,731 --> 00:37:07,858 "Do you aspire to anything?" 562 00:37:09,201 --> 00:37:11,761 - No. - Conquer Russia? 563 00:37:11,971 --> 00:37:14,531 - Win a whistling contest? - No. 564 00:37:14,740 --> 00:37:18,608 Harold, you must have some ambition. 565 00:37:19,411 --> 00:37:23,006 - I don't think so. - Some underlying dream. Think. 566 00:37:25,284 --> 00:37:26,774 Well... 567 00:37:27,920 --> 00:37:30,548 ...I've always wanted my life to be more musical. 568 00:37:31,323 --> 00:37:34,724 - Like West Side Story? - No. 569 00:37:35,160 --> 00:37:37,025 - Like... - What? 570 00:37:37,229 --> 00:37:40,665 Well, I've always wanted to learn to play the guitar. 571 00:37:43,135 --> 00:37:44,762 Okay. 572 00:37:46,605 --> 00:37:48,573 The last thing to determine conclusively... 573 00:37:48,774 --> 00:37:51,265 ...is whether you're in a comedy or a tragedy. 574 00:37:51,477 --> 00:37:52,808 To quote Italo Calvino: 575 00:37:53,012 --> 00:37:56,277 "The ultimate meaning to which all stories refer has two faces: 576 00:37:56,482 --> 00:37:59,349 The continuity of life, the inevitability of death." 577 00:38:00,319 --> 00:38:03,686 Tragedy, you die. Comedy, you get hitched. 578 00:38:07,493 --> 00:38:09,461 Most comic heroes fall in love with people... 579 00:38:09,662 --> 00:38:11,459 ...introduced after the story has begun. 580 00:38:11,664 --> 00:38:14,292 Usually people who hate the hero initially. 581 00:38:14,500 --> 00:38:18,300 Although I can't imagine anyone hating you, Harold. 582 00:38:18,504 --> 00:38:22,304 Professor Hilbert, I'm an IRS agent. 583 00:38:22,675 --> 00:38:23,869 Everyone hates me. 584 00:38:25,310 --> 00:38:26,504 Right, right. Good. 585 00:38:26,712 --> 00:38:29,977 Have you met anyone recently who might loathe the very core of you? 586 00:38:31,083 --> 00:38:34,416 I just started auditing a woman who told me to get bent. 587 00:38:35,421 --> 00:38:37,082 Well, that sounds like a comedy. 588 00:38:38,791 --> 00:38:40,622 Try to develop that. 589 00:38:42,428 --> 00:38:43,452 Four of these? 590 00:38:43,662 --> 00:38:45,596 You know, I didn't get my honey, honey. 591 00:38:45,798 --> 00:38:49,325 Lulu, can you refill the honey for Larry? Quarters also? 592 00:38:49,535 --> 00:38:51,127 That's my good boy. 593 00:38:51,336 --> 00:38:53,270 I'm adding some acorns. 594 00:38:53,739 --> 00:38:55,138 Mr. Crick. 595 00:38:56,275 --> 00:38:59,711 You're here early. Must have a lot of people to extort. 596 00:38:59,912 --> 00:39:01,777 No. No, just you. 597 00:39:03,148 --> 00:39:05,946 - Twig tea and banana bread. - Yes, ma'am. 598 00:39:06,151 --> 00:39:09,609 Actually, it should only take the day to make sure 22 percent is all you owe. 599 00:39:09,822 --> 00:39:13,553 Well, I won't be paying no matter the percentage, Mr. Crick. 600 00:39:13,759 --> 00:39:17,627 No, I know. But the percent determines how big your cell is. 601 00:39:24,303 --> 00:39:25,930 You know, you can call me Harold. 602 00:39:26,138 --> 00:39:29,301 Yeah, I know. But I don't want to. 603 00:39:31,510 --> 00:39:32,704 This is for Ramona, honey. 604 00:39:32,911 --> 00:39:35,607 - Oh, thank you. - You're very welcome. 605 00:39:36,248 --> 00:39:38,216 What is that? What are you marking? 606 00:39:40,085 --> 00:39:41,609 Oh, this is nothing. 607 00:39:41,820 --> 00:39:44,948 Why don't we start with your backup documents... 608 00:39:45,157 --> 00:39:47,625 ...and the receipts for the past three years. 609 00:39:47,826 --> 00:39:49,316 Sure. 610 00:39:58,003 --> 00:39:59,197 What's this? 611 00:40:00,606 --> 00:40:02,699 - My files. - What? 612 00:40:02,908 --> 00:40:04,398 My tax files. 613 00:40:05,310 --> 00:40:06,800 You keep your files like this? 614 00:40:07,012 --> 00:40:09,810 No, actually I'm quite fastidious. 615 00:40:10,015 --> 00:40:13,542 I put them in this box just to screw with you. 616 00:40:27,099 --> 00:40:30,432 - Hi. - Hi. How are you? 617 00:40:31,570 --> 00:40:34,232 So how was it? Aruba. 618 00:40:34,439 --> 00:40:37,738 Ms. Pascal? Can I just ask you a question about this receipt? 619 00:40:37,943 --> 00:40:40,810 - It was fantastic. - Just wondering if this nine is a seven. 620 00:40:41,013 --> 00:40:44,244 - And what did you do? - I got a beautiful tan. 621 00:40:44,883 --> 00:40:48,410 - I'm just gonna guess it's a seven. - I mean, I feel stress-free. 622 00:40:53,692 --> 00:40:55,387 Do you need help with that? 623 00:40:56,595 --> 00:40:58,620 - Walk to heaven. I see the president. 624 00:40:58,831 --> 00:41:00,992 - It's the taxman. Hello, Mr. Taxman. - Yeah. 625 00:41:01,200 --> 00:41:02,667 - You can call me Harold. - Okay. 626 00:41:02,868 --> 00:41:04,495 - How the numbers going? - Pretty good. 627 00:41:04,703 --> 00:41:06,466 - Gonna find that 22 percent? - 22 percent? 628 00:41:06,672 --> 00:41:09,163 Twenty-two, 11 times 2. It's prime numbers. 629 00:41:09,374 --> 00:41:12,366 - You gonna tax the bathroom? - No, I'm not gonna tax the bathroom. 630 00:41:12,578 --> 00:41:14,842 - Could I use the bathroom, then? - Go for it. 631 00:41:15,047 --> 00:41:16,742 Okay. I wanna use the bathroom. Bye now. 632 00:41:16,949 --> 00:41:18,075 Bye-bye. 633 00:42:00,025 --> 00:42:01,390 Well, good night. 634 00:42:02,527 --> 00:42:04,188 You want a cookie? 635 00:42:04,830 --> 00:42:05,956 Oh, no. 636 00:42:06,164 --> 00:42:10,260 Come on. They're warm and gooey. They're fresh out of the oven. 637 00:42:11,003 --> 00:42:12,800 No, I don't like cookies. 638 00:42:14,840 --> 00:42:16,467 You don't like cookies? 639 00:42:19,578 --> 00:42:22,672 - What's wrong with you? - I don't know. 640 00:42:22,881 --> 00:42:25,816 - Everybody likes cookies. - No, I know. 641 00:42:26,018 --> 00:42:29,920 I mean, after a really awful, no-good day... 642 00:42:30,122 --> 00:42:33,023 ...didn't your mama ever make you milk and cookies? 643 00:42:34,192 --> 00:42:37,684 No. My mother didn't bake. 644 00:42:37,896 --> 00:42:41,024 The only cookies I ever had were store-bought. 645 00:42:43,568 --> 00:42:46,401 Okay. Sit down. 646 00:42:47,039 --> 00:42:49,166 - No, I'm... - No. 647 00:42:49,641 --> 00:42:51,438 Sit down. 648 00:42:55,314 --> 00:42:56,508 Now... 649 00:42:57,516 --> 00:42:59,541 ...eat a cookie. 650 00:42:59,751 --> 00:43:01,116 I really can't. 651 00:43:01,320 --> 00:43:04,653 Mr. Crick, it was a really awful day. 652 00:43:05,557 --> 00:43:08,390 I know, I made sure of it. 653 00:43:08,894 --> 00:43:10,589 So pick up the cookie... 654 00:43:10,796 --> 00:43:12,923 ...dip it in the milk... 655 00:43:13,131 --> 00:43:14,928 ...and eat it. 656 00:43:39,491 --> 00:43:41,823 That's a really, really good cookie. 657 00:43:50,135 --> 00:43:51,932 So when did you decide to become a baker? 658 00:43:53,205 --> 00:43:56,106 - In college. - Oh, like a cooking college? 659 00:43:57,242 --> 00:44:00,370 I went to Harvard Law actually. 660 00:44:00,946 --> 00:44:06,077 - Oh, I'm sorry, I just assumed it was... - No. No, it's fine. I didn't finish. 661 00:44:06,852 --> 00:44:08,820 - Did something happen? - No. 662 00:44:10,222 --> 00:44:14,215 I was barely accepted. I mean, really barely. 663 00:44:14,426 --> 00:44:17,554 The only reason they let me come was because of my essay. 664 00:44:17,763 --> 00:44:21,756 How I was gonna make the world a better place with my degree. 665 00:44:22,534 --> 00:44:27,267 Anyway, we would have to participate in these study sessions... 666 00:44:27,472 --> 00:44:30,464 ...my classmates and I, sometimes all night long. 667 00:44:30,675 --> 00:44:34,406 And so I'd bake so no one would go hungry while we worked. 668 00:44:34,613 --> 00:44:37,582 Sometimes I would bake all afternoon in the kitchen in the dorm... 669 00:44:37,783 --> 00:44:41,810 ...and then I'd bring my little treats to the study groups... 670 00:44:42,020 --> 00:44:43,647 ...and people loved them. 671 00:44:43,855 --> 00:44:45,117 Eat. 672 00:44:45,323 --> 00:44:49,589 I made oatmeal cookies, peanut-butter bars... 673 00:44:50,062 --> 00:44:53,498 ...dark-chocolate macadamia-nut wedges. 674 00:44:53,698 --> 00:44:56,030 And everyone would eat and stay happy... 675 00:44:56,234 --> 00:44:58,395 ...and study harder and do better on the tests. 676 00:44:58,603 --> 00:45:01,299 More and more people started coming to the study groups... 677 00:45:01,506 --> 00:45:03,337 ...and I'd bring more snacks. 678 00:45:03,542 --> 00:45:06,067 I was always looking for better and better recipes... 679 00:45:06,278 --> 00:45:11,807 ...until soon it was ricotta cheese and apricot croissants... 680 00:45:12,684 --> 00:45:15,209 ...and mocha bars with an almond glaze... 681 00:45:15,420 --> 00:45:20,050 ...and lemon chiffon cake with zesty peach icing. 682 00:45:21,159 --> 00:45:25,186 And at the end of the semester I had 27 study partners... 683 00:45:25,397 --> 00:45:28,833 ...eight Mead journals filled with recipes... 684 00:45:29,034 --> 00:45:30,558 ...and a D average. 685 00:45:31,503 --> 00:45:33,300 So I dropped out. 686 00:45:33,905 --> 00:45:36,430 I figured if I was gonna make the world a better place... 687 00:45:36,641 --> 00:45:38,802 ...I would do it with cookies. 688 00:45:43,648 --> 00:45:45,081 You like them? 689 00:45:46,585 --> 00:45:47,574 I do. 690 00:45:48,653 --> 00:45:50,450 I'm glad. 691 00:45:51,523 --> 00:45:53,582 Thank you for forcing me to eat them. 692 00:45:54,359 --> 00:45:56,122 You're welcome. 693 00:46:01,399 --> 00:46:04,163 I should go. Oh, thank you. For the cookies, I mean. 694 00:46:04,369 --> 00:46:06,132 - Why don't you take them home? - Oh, no. 695 00:46:06,338 --> 00:46:08,499 - Oh, come on. - No, really, please. 696 00:46:08,707 --> 00:46:11,733 - No, really, please. - No, no, no. Really, please. 697 00:46:11,943 --> 00:46:14,002 I would like to, but I can't. 698 00:46:14,679 --> 00:46:16,203 - You can't? - No, no, I mean... 699 00:46:16,414 --> 00:46:19,110 Because, see, it constitutes a gift. 700 00:46:19,451 --> 00:46:22,011 Actually I shouldn't have even had those other ones, so... 701 00:46:22,220 --> 00:46:24,415 Okay. Well, I'm not gonna tell anyone. 702 00:46:24,623 --> 00:46:27,251 - No. I know, but if you did... - Well, I'm not going to. 703 00:46:27,459 --> 00:46:28,551 I know, but if you did... 704 00:46:28,760 --> 00:46:31,820 - What, you think I'm gonna call the...? - No, no. I'll purchase them. 705 00:46:32,030 --> 00:46:35,158 I'm happy to purchase them. How's that? 706 00:46:37,202 --> 00:46:39,602 And then there are no issues. 707 00:46:41,706 --> 00:46:43,936 - What? - No. 708 00:46:44,142 --> 00:46:46,201 - Please. - Just... 709 00:46:46,411 --> 00:46:48,242 - Why don't I just...? - Go home. 710 00:46:48,446 --> 00:46:49,743 Really, it's not a big deal. 711 00:46:49,948 --> 00:46:52,075 Go home. 712 00:46:53,752 --> 00:46:55,117 Okay. 713 00:46:59,724 --> 00:47:01,021 Did you? 714 00:47:02,627 --> 00:47:05,619 You baked those cookies for me, didn't you? 715 00:47:09,267 --> 00:47:12,464 You were just trying to be nice and I totally blew it. 716 00:47:16,575 --> 00:47:19,806 This may sound like gibberish to you... 717 00:47:22,314 --> 00:47:24,805 ...but I think I'm in a tragedy. 718 00:47:55,413 --> 00:47:59,247 Professor Hilbert, I've totally failed at the comedy-tragedy thing. 719 00:47:59,451 --> 00:48:01,612 In fact, I think she likes me even less. 720 00:48:01,820 --> 00:48:03,947 - I know, it's great. - What do you mean? 721 00:48:04,856 --> 00:48:07,120 You've proved something else entirely. 722 00:48:07,325 --> 00:48:10,988 The voice seems to be dependent on actions you take. 723 00:48:12,097 --> 00:48:14,565 You reset your watch, it says you reset your watch. 724 00:48:14,766 --> 00:48:16,563 You ride a bus, it says you ride the bus. 725 00:48:16,768 --> 00:48:19,134 You brush your teeth, it says you brush your teeth. 726 00:48:19,337 --> 00:48:23,364 It may be that you yourself are perpetuating the story. 727 00:48:23,575 --> 00:48:27,238 - So I suggest we try something else. - Like what? 728 00:48:27,445 --> 00:48:30,676 - Try nothing. Nothing. - What about Ms. Pascal? 729 00:48:30,882 --> 00:48:32,076 - Forget her. - Forget her? 730 00:48:32,284 --> 00:48:34,252 Other than numbers, she's all I think about. 731 00:48:34,452 --> 00:48:37,182 Harold, if you wanna stay alive, you'll try something else. 732 00:48:37,389 --> 00:48:40,722 - That something being nothing? - Nothing, exactly. 733 00:48:40,925 --> 00:48:43,621 - Nothing? - Let me explain this again. 734 00:48:43,828 --> 00:48:47,457 Some plots are moved forward by external events and crises. 735 00:48:47,666 --> 00:48:50,362 Others are moved forward by the characters themselves. 736 00:48:50,568 --> 00:48:52,763 If I go through that door, the plot continues. 737 00:48:52,971 --> 00:48:55,235 The story of me through the door. If I stay here... 738 00:48:55,440 --> 00:48:57,874 ...the plot can't move forward, the story ends. 739 00:48:58,076 --> 00:49:00,874 Also if I stay here, I'm late. 740 00:49:03,214 --> 00:49:05,614 - Don't do anything tomorrow. - Nothing? 741 00:49:05,817 --> 00:49:10,277 Stay home. Don't answer the phone, open the door, brush your teeth. 742 00:49:10,488 --> 00:49:11,887 - What about work? - Call them. 743 00:49:12,090 --> 00:49:14,320 - Tell them you're not coming. - Don't go to work? 744 00:49:14,526 --> 00:49:16,653 Don't do anything that may move the plot forward. 745 00:49:16,861 --> 00:49:18,886 Instead, let's see if the plot finds you. 746 00:49:19,531 --> 00:49:22,125 Marshall, you're not kicking. 747 00:49:25,503 --> 00:49:28,995 - Certain that these geese have never known any home but this one: 748 00:49:29,207 --> 00:49:31,198 A small lake in Eastern Poland. 749 00:49:31,910 --> 00:49:35,004 Pollution from a nearby factory is slowly killing... 750 00:49:35,213 --> 00:49:38,705 ... the small fish and insects on which these creatures feed. 751 00:49:38,917 --> 00:49:44,150 All attempts to move the birds to similar bodies of water have failed. 752 00:49:44,356 --> 00:49:48,190 Perhaps it is the familiarity alone that keeps them here. 753 00:49:48,393 --> 00:49:52,386 Or perhaps it's an unwillingness to lose the collective memory... 754 00:49:52,597 --> 00:49:55,589 ... of the once-beautiful hills that surround the lake. 755 00:49:55,800 --> 00:49:59,463 And it takes only seconds for the fiddler crabs to realize... 756 00:49:59,671 --> 00:50:02,003 ... that the wader they might once have feared... 757 00:50:02,207 --> 00:50:04,698 ... has now become their prey. 758 00:50:06,044 --> 00:50:08,911 The wounded bird knows its fate. 759 00:50:09,881 --> 00:50:12,008 Its desperate attempts to escape... 760 00:50:12,217 --> 00:50:15,675 ... only underscore the hopelessness of its plight. 761 00:50:18,556 --> 00:50:23,152 The primates' sad, soulful eyes will be the first to be plucked out... 762 00:50:23,361 --> 00:50:26,159 ... then sold to cosmetic companies around the world... 763 00:50:26,364 --> 00:50:30,357 ... for use in the testing of mascara and artificial tears. 764 00:50:30,568 --> 00:50:34,436 Next, the monkeys' fur will be stripped away from their limp corpses... 765 00:50:34,639 --> 00:50:38,006 ... and sewn together to form pillows and comforters. 766 00:50:38,209 --> 00:50:40,700 Mr. Zebra thought he was gonna take a nice drink. 767 00:50:40,912 --> 00:50:42,539 But you never know who's gonna eat... 768 00:50:42,747 --> 00:50:45,011 ... when you're dining at Mother Nature's restaurant. 769 00:50:45,216 --> 00:50:47,912 That's gotta hurt. What does this bald eagle wanna serve... 770 00:50:48,119 --> 00:50:50,144 ... with some kidney beans and a fine Chianti? 771 00:50:50,355 --> 00:50:54,348 It's an eel. And again: 772 00:50:54,559 --> 00:50:56,823 Looks like old Mr. Crocodile wanted some antelope... 773 00:50:57,028 --> 00:50:59,053 ... to clear that salty zebra from his palate. 774 00:50:59,264 --> 00:51:02,631 Here's a struggle betting gentlemen have been known to put money on. 775 00:51:02,834 --> 00:51:06,565 When a mongoose encounters a cobra it's hard to know who's gonna win. 776 00:51:06,771 --> 00:51:08,932 But this time it looks like it's... the cobra... 777 00:51:09,140 --> 00:51:11,233 ... who's putting the squeeze on the mongoose! 778 00:51:11,443 --> 00:51:13,673 But don't cash in your chips just yet, gentlemen... 779 00:51:13,878 --> 00:51:16,972 ... because now it's the mongoose who holds the winning card! 780 00:51:43,875 --> 00:51:46,105 Hey! Hey! 781 00:51:46,878 --> 00:51:48,778 Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing?! 782 00:51:48,980 --> 00:51:50,948 - Holy crapping hell. - What the hell is that? 783 00:51:51,149 --> 00:51:53,344 - Stop the crane. Stop it. - Stop the crane! 784 00:51:53,551 --> 00:51:55,519 - Hey. - Hey, what are you doing? 785 00:51:55,720 --> 00:51:57,381 Us? What are you doing? 786 00:51:57,589 --> 00:51:59,250 I was watching TV. 787 00:51:59,457 --> 00:52:02,915 - Well, we're demolishing this place. - Are you nuts? I live here! 788 00:52:03,127 --> 00:52:05,857 - Is that a TV? - Yes, that's a TV! It's my TV! 789 00:52:06,064 --> 00:52:08,999 - Well, what's your TV doing in there? - I said I live here, stupid! 790 00:52:09,200 --> 00:52:10,963 It's where I keep my stuff! 791 00:52:11,169 --> 00:52:14,468 My name's on the goddamn buzzer! Harold Crick. 792 00:52:14,672 --> 00:52:17,641 Apartment 2-B, 1893 McCarthy! 793 00:52:18,610 --> 00:52:21,078 - Did you say 1893? - Yes! 794 00:52:27,685 --> 00:52:29,653 I'm not exactly sure it was plot. 795 00:52:29,854 --> 00:52:32,880 I was hoping you'd say it was just a really bad coincidence. 796 00:52:33,091 --> 00:52:36,527 Meeting an insurance agent the day your policy runs out is coincidence. 797 00:52:36,728 --> 00:52:40,425 Getting a letter from the emperor saying that he's visiting is plot. 798 00:52:40,632 --> 00:52:43,795 Having your apartment eaten by a wrecking ball... 799 00:52:44,002 --> 00:52:45,629 ...is something else entirely. 800 00:52:47,272 --> 00:52:50,730 Harold, you don't control your fate. 801 00:52:51,476 --> 00:52:53,910 - I know. - You do? 802 00:52:55,480 --> 00:52:57,209 Okay. Come with me. 803 00:52:57,415 --> 00:53:00,316 Hey, Tom, can you leave that till tomorrow? 804 00:53:00,885 --> 00:53:04,013 You were right. This narrator might very well kill you...