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(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
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USHER 1: Welcome to The Tom Dobbs Show:
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USHER 2: Please have your tickets ready
for the ushers:
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MAN 1: Graphics ready, camera two:
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Watch your step:
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MAN 2: Check one, two:
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WOMAN: Please turn off
all cell phones and pagers:
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ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
take your seats, please:
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Tom Dobbs will speak to you
before the show:
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WOMAN: Bring that light down
to camera level, please:
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MENKEN: This story might fall under the
heading of "One Thing Leads to Another:"
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It started on August 20th:
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At 7:00 p: M:, Tom Dobbs,
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who had a successful cable show
featuring political comedy,
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was talking to the audience
during the warm-up routine
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prior to the taping of his show:
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DOBBS: Thanks for coming here today:
This isn"t the actual show:
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If you noticed,
the cameras are pointing at nothing
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and some critics have said that, too:
But l"m just here to kind of talk to you,
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warm up the audience,
a little bit of foreplay:
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Sorry:
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L"ll back up now
just for harassment reasons:
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You know, the government said recently: : :
Well, a lot of people said
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that we"re cutting back spending:
We"re cutting back spending,
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but NASA actually spent $28 million
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to develop a fountain pen that would write
upside down in space in zero gravity:
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The Russians solved the same problem
with five-cent pencil:
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(IN RUSSIAN ACCENT)
Very easy: Writes upside down, zero gravity:
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After two cases of vodka, still writing:
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If you have the GPS, be very careful:
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I bought a Mercedes recently:
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It had the talking GPS:
It said, "Up ahead, take a right:"
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I opened the door:
The car went, "Are you Jewish?"
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But soon, all of your appliances
will talk to each other:
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You"ll get on the scale, and the scale
will go, "l"ve talked to the microwave:"
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But I notice many of you
with your little cell phones:
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Soon they"ll get so small,
you"ll be putting them in: : :
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You won"t see them:
They"ll just be inside you:
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Hold on, l"ve got a call: "Hello:"
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"No, no, l"ll make it louder: Hold on:"
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"Wait a minute, wait a minute:
L"m taking a picture:"
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"Oh, wait, wait, wait, I got mail:"
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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It was during a Q and A
that a woman made a statement:
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- Yes, yes, ma"am?
- Hi:
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I feel so frustrated with the political system,
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and I hear my friends
say the same thing all the time:
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Maybe you should run for President:
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(CHEERING)
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(CHUCKLING)
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The comment was quickly forgotten
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and minutes later the show got under way:
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Senator, l"m picking up
that the general public is pretty frustrated
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with the polarisation of the parties
and lack of accountability:
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I mean, it"s crazy:
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A woman in the audience tonight
said I should run for President:
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(AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)
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Maybe I should:
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Within three hours,
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there were four million e-mails
endorsing Dobbs for President:
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Over the course of the next week,
Tom Dobbs mentioned this four more times:
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The Internet was on fire:
Over eight million e-mails:
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It was a grassroots movement,
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fueled by the power of the Internet
and the cult of personality:
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WOMAN: Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you so much for your patience:
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We have a great show for you tonight,
so without any further ado, let me: : :
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MENKEN: On September 2nd,
something very, very unusual happens:
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Tomorrow, I will officially announce
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my candidacy
for President of the United States:
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(CHEERING)
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Did you write that?
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Where"s the punch line?
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Maybe it was sheer vanity,
maybe it was a political stunt,
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or maybe it was because Tom believed
his audience demanded it: Who knows?
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As Tom Dobbs" manager,
I was as shocked as everyone around me,
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and I wasn"t exactly pleased:
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Does this mean l"m out of a job?
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Shortly thereafter,
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Tom Dobbs was on the ballot in 13 states:
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That was part one
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of the unusual progression of events:
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On the West Coast,
the second domino toppled over:
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NARRATOR ON TV:
Voter confusion, endless recounts,
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unreliable results:
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Democracy held hostage:
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In today"s America, technology empowers
the public in nearly everything they do:
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And now, voting with confidence:
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Introducing the Delacroy Voting System:
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Congress decided that Delacroy Systems
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would have the national franchise
for computerised voting
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in the coming presidential election:
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In hindsight,
not one of their better decisions:
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For ease of voting,
speed and accuracy of vote:
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It eliminates long lines
and confusion at the polls:
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MENKEN: It was a major coup
for this Silicon Valley-based company:
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When the dubbed versions come in,
I need to see the contracts:
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NARRATOR: Delacroy:
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MENKEN: As CEO of Delacroy,
James Hemmings,
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lovingly watched his stock rise,
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in the bowels of the building,
something else was about to take place:
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I just got the ballot from San Mateo
so I thought l"d run my own little election:
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You know, with all the referendums,
propositions and amendments,
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- and just add the candidates" names:
- Why?
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Well, we"ve never run a configuration
like this ballot,
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so I thought l"d give it a test drive:
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Oh, God: I think I burned my lip:
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Lt"s like democracy
on the head of a microchip, isn"t it?
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Yes, but no matter how you slice it,
it"s what you"re voting for,
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and not how easy it is to vote:
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Whether she was being diligent in her work,
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whether she was obsessive-compulsive
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or whether she really didn"t have
a personal life, who knows?
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But late that night, she found
something that seemed very wrong:
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"Mills, I voted for you three times
as much as I voted for President Kellogg:
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"Why did the President win?"
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Like a good, dedicated employee,
she sent an e-mail to CEO James Hemmings:
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She wrote that something was wrong:
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She used phrases like
"a glitch in the system,"
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"compatibility problem," things like that:
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Hemmings read the e-mail
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and reacted as a CEO whose stock fortune
was wrapped up in his newest enterprise:
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If there really was a problem,
it was too late to correct it,
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so he ignored the memo,
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and hoped the problem would go away:
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DOBBS: L"ve read a lot
of op-ed pieces recently,
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and they"ve said that Tom Dobbs
doesn"t talk about the issues:
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All right, I will address the issue,
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and the issue
revolves around representation:
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The people of America
are not being represented:
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Our political leaders are too indebted
to special interest groups and party politics:
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This country was founded on the principle
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of government of the people, by the people,
for the people:
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We are the wealthiest nation
in the history of the world:
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We are the most powerful nation
on this planet:
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And yet, we can"t educate our own children:
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DOBBS: Felt that went pretty well:
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Lincoln got more laughs
at the Gettysburg Address:
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Don"t start with this:
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Everybody Loves Raymond
is doing huge numbers in re-runs:
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Comedy: Comedy sells:
Can we remember that?
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I don"t want to get into this:
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I don"t care what you say,
but say it with some humour:
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These crowds expect it:
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You keep giving speech after speech:
Nothing"s funny:
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They"ll get funny when l"m back
on the show after the hiatus:
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Lt"s too dry:
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Oh, come on:
I came on the campaign to talk about issues:
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There"s no pop, zing: There"s no oomph:
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Remember the motto, "lt"s no joke"?
Lt"s no joke:
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Tom, can"t you do just two jokes of mine?
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Make me feel wanted:
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MENKEN: You"re a comedian
who talks about politics:
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So when you talk about politics
without the comedy,
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it"s like wanting to get laid
and forgetting to bring along the woman:
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You"ll quickly discover
something is missing:
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Well, I believe we should have politicians
who represent us,
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and not special interest groups:
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Whenever they want to distract you,
they use weapons of mass distraction:
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They bring up a constitutional amendment
to ban burning of the flag:
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By spending even one moment in Congress
talking about that,
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you"re denying these other things,
education, environmental issues:
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So what l"m here to talk tonight
is about political commercials:
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That"s where most of the money goes
in any political campaign:
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Politicians have to spend so much money
just to buy TV time:
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This is where
the special interest groups start:
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When you have a political campaign
that costs $200 million,
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you owe someone something
somewhere down the line:
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That"s why I refuse
to run television commercials:
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MENKEN: Just be entertaining:
Look at it this way:
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Who would you rather have dinner with?
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Richard Pryor in his prime
or Kofi Annan, the head of the UN?
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Tell me which dinner
is going to be more interesting:
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If there"s no candles, Richard:
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But l"d like to be with Kofi
just to say, "Coffee, Kofi?
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"What? Coffee? Kofi: Kofi, coffee?"
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(POLITICAL WORLD PLAYING)
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He"s in the debate?
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He"s in the debate!
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Hey, Dobbs is going to be in the debate!
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They"re gonna let him participate
in the debate:
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Have we struck gold or what?
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- Oh, my God:
- We"re gonna have to start writing:
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Yeah, I mean, we can write it,
but is he gonna do any of it?
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Praise the Internet!
Sixteen million emails spoke loud and clear!
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(LAUGHING EXCITEDLY)
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(WHOOPING)
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No!
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CHAIRMAN OF EDC ON TV: The following is
a quote from our debate advisory standards:
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"All candidates
who demonstrate seriousness of purpose
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"and significant support
going into the final 30 days of an election
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"should be included in debates:" Unquote:
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Yes!
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Well, I fully agree
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with the Debate Committee"s
inclusion of Tom Dobbs:
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He"s by far the strongest
of the Independents,
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and l"m very much
looking forward to the debate:
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Now, l"m more than confident
of my decisions, my positions,
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and my strong relationship
with the voting public:
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And my hair:
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Well, I think the first thing you gotta do
is say you have unconfirmed information
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that the other candidates
have had sex with farm animals:
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It goes back to the Johnson thing:
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- President Johnson:
- DOBBS: Oh, President:
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Johnson said he wanted
to accuse his opponents
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of having sex with animals, okay?
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One of his staffers said,
"How can you prove that?"
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And he said, "I can"t,
but I want to hear them deny it:"
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Seriousness of purpose:
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00:11:00,167 --> 00:11:02,556
The debate is gonna be a night
full of pomposity:
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The air is gonna be full of bullshit:
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They"re gonna be thanking everyone,
do all those niceties:
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They"ll thank their wives, children,
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00:11:08,967 --> 00:11:10,798
all who have been supportive
of their campaigns:
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Yeah, this is our night to shine, Tom:
This is the opportunity of a lifetime:
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Lt"s like the comic
who gets to play Carnegie Hall,
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but shows up and plays the violin:
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Lt"s not what they go to see:
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How many analogies do you have left?
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How many does it take to make my point?
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I didn"t mean to yell:
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You gotta cut loose: In this debate,
get your show attitude in there:
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Yeah, but may I reiterate?
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They got me in
because of my seriousness of purpose:
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They saw that,
and that"s why we"re in this debate:
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Serious talk puts us to sleep:
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You want to talk
about a serious issue nowadays,
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people tune out:
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Wait a second: Do you think
anybody remembers the issues?
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00:12:03,847 --> 00:12:05,678
When there"s a debate, do you think: : :
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00:12:05,767 --> 00:12:09,476
When was the last time any human being,
any American, watched the debate and went,
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00:12:09,567 --> 00:12:11,842
"Oh, God! Did you hear what he said?"
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00:12:11,927 --> 00:12:13,838
- "I believe he talking about fiscal policy:"
- "Oh, my God,
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00:12:13,927 --> 00:12:16,680
- "my eyes are open and I can hear again!"
- Yeah, you"re right:
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All they remember is Nixon sweating
like Elizabeth Taylor after a Mexican meal:
235
00:12:19,847 --> 00:12:21,519
That"s not good:
236
00:12:21,607 --> 00:12:23,996
L"m begging you, please:
L"m like a man without water:
237
00:12:24,087 --> 00:12:27,602
Please, an acerbic comment,
would it kill you? Just for me:
238
00:12:27,687 --> 00:12:30,918
More and more people are watching your
show, Jon Stewart, Bill Maher for news:
239
00:12:31,007 --> 00:12:33,919
News from comedians: How crazy is that?
240
00:12:34,007 --> 00:12:35,281
Let"s move on, okay?
241
00:12:35,367 --> 00:12:36,925
Alison, Jenny, your thoughts?
242
00:12:37,007 --> 00:12:39,282
Well, I hope this doesn"t sound silly,
but you know,
243
00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:42,484
the other two candidates
are family men: Okay?
244
00:12:42,567 --> 00:12:44,683
And Tom, with all due respect,
245
00:12:44,767 --> 00:12:47,645
how are you gonna come off
as family-friendly?
246
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:50,327
Well, I can hold my mother"s ashes:
247
00:12:50,407 --> 00:12:51,681
(ALL LAUGHING)
248
00:12:51,847 --> 00:12:54,281
Well, well, I know,
we"ll lose a certain amount of people there:
249
00:12:54,367 --> 00:12:56,198
But Chicago, the dead vote there, come on:
250
00:12:56,287 --> 00:12:58,243
She"s right, though, Tom:
I mean, as soon as the programme starts,
251
00:12:58,327 --> 00:13:01,444
and we see the other candidates" wives
with their little red suits, you know:
252
00:13:01,527 --> 00:13:03,836
You mean,
I have to get married before the debate?
253
00:13:03,927 --> 00:13:05,679
What do you mean?
Campaign during the day, date at night:
254
00:13:05,767 --> 00:13:07,997
Lt"s like some weird reality show:
255
00:13:08,087 --> 00:13:12,126
Actually, it"s not a bad idea, really:
Lt"s part West Wing, part Bachelor:
256
00:13:12,207 --> 00:13:14,801
Hey, that"s not bad, you know?
"And here"s our first contestant:
257
00:13:14,887 --> 00:13:16,036
"Your name, please?"
258
00:13:16,127 --> 00:13:19,005
"Yes, my name is Rachel Tensions:"
"Yes indeed, there:"
259
00:13:19,087 --> 00:13:22,159
"Contestant number two, your name?"
"My name is Miss Sogyny:"
260
00:13:22,247 --> 00:13:24,522
"Yes, I thought he was really hot,
261
00:13:24,607 --> 00:13:28,316
"but then, when I found out about
his radical environmental policy I went: : :
262
00:13:28,407 --> 00:13:30,875
"I like a dirty environment,
if you know what I mean:
263
00:13:30,967 --> 00:13:34,596
"I want a man who"s not afraid
to go in the wetlands and drill:
264
00:13:34,687 --> 00:13:36,166
"Deep drill, you know what l"m saying?
265
00:13:36,247 --> 00:13:39,125
"Get down in the mud
and take it home, daddy: That"s all:"
266
00:13:39,207 --> 00:13:42,916
Lt"s a piece of shit idea that could work:
267
00:13:43,007 --> 00:13:44,884
- Yeah, but you"re running:
- DOBBS: L"m running:
268
00:13:44,967 --> 00:13:47,925
You"re running because: : : You"re running
because the people wanted you to run:
269
00:13:48,447 --> 00:13:50,119
Okay, and why do you think
they wanted you to run?
270
00:13:50,207 --> 00:13:53,005
To listen to you talk about issues?
Are you kidding me?
271
00:13:53,087 --> 00:13:55,476
I can barely listen to you
talk about issues, okay?
272
00:13:55,567 --> 00:13:57,842
Have I not said this a hundred times?
273
00:13:57,927 --> 00:14:00,646
Listen, we"re going to Chicago:
L"m doing the same thing l"ve been doing:
274
00:14:00,727 --> 00:14:01,682
That"s how I got here:
275
00:14:01,847 --> 00:14:04,236
I want to keep doing it,
because I sense that"ll work:
276
00:14:21,287 --> 00:14:23,926
You gotta go to makeup, Tom: Makeup:
277
00:14:25,687 --> 00:14:26,836
Menken:
278
00:14:52,087 --> 00:14:53,076
Look at this:
279
00:14:53,207 --> 00:14:55,357
- It"s like the circus:
- This is nuts:
280
00:14:55,487 --> 00:14:58,047
When I was a kid, I was in the circus:
281
00:14:58,487 --> 00:14:59,715
- No:
- Yes:
282
00:14:59,807 --> 00:15:00,956
I used to shave elephants:
283
00:15:01,047 --> 00:15:03,880
You started in the tent:
You"re back in the tent:
284
00:15:03,967 --> 00:15:05,764
L"m not kidding:
They grow these big beards:
285
00:15:05,847 --> 00:15:08,725
In the wild, they rub it on trees:
286
00:15:09,527 --> 00:15:12,200
In the circus, you have to: : :
You shave them with a blowtorch:
287
00:15:12,287 --> 00:15:16,166
One of those pump things like gasoline,
you throw it all over their face:
288
00:15:16,247 --> 00:15:17,282
You know what l"m saying?
289
00:15:17,367 --> 00:15:18,846
You gonna have coffee?
290
00:15:18,927 --> 00:15:22,602
- Because I need it to stay awake:
- Do you have any green tea?
291
00:15:23,367 --> 00:15:25,597
How long have you been smoking?
292
00:15:25,927 --> 00:15:27,565
Since I was seven:
293
00:15:28,687 --> 00:15:30,325
Since you were seven:
294
00:15:30,407 --> 00:15:32,398
My father was a big smoker:
295
00:15:32,487 --> 00:15:36,082
While President Kellogg and Senator Mills
have spent approximately
296
00:15:36,167 --> 00:15:41,321
$195 million apiece on the campaign
for media advertising,
297
00:15:41,407 --> 00:15:44,080
Tom Dobbs has not spent one cent:
298
00:15:44,167 --> 00:15:48,160
He refuses to spend money on media,
saying, "Candidates are not products:"
299
00:15:48,247 --> 00:15:49,236
All right, here"s the very latest now:
300
00:15:49,327 --> 00:15:52,080
Dobbs is running at about 17%
301
00:15:52,167 --> 00:15:54,965
in the 13 states where he"s on the ballot:
302
00:15:55,687 --> 00:15:58,281
- You want a beer or soda?
- Soda, please:
303
00:15:58,367 --> 00:15:59,925
: : : Compared to a network show,
304
00:16:00,167 --> 00:16:04,046
he certainly has been
extremely influential in some smaller circles:
305
00:16:04,127 --> 00:16:05,845
We got some clips: Are they ready in there?
306
00:16:05,927 --> 00:16:07,360
I TiVo all his shows:
307
00:16:07,447 --> 00:16:08,926
Okay, here"s some excerpts from his show:
308
00:16:09,007 --> 00:16:12,477
Swedish car maker Volvo has announced
that they are replacing air bags
309
00:16:12,567 --> 00:16:15,286
in their new sedans with breast implants:
310
00:16:15,927 --> 00:16:20,000
The number of rear-end collisions
has increased 95% in Sweden,
311
00:16:20,087 --> 00:16:23,921
and a lot of guys just like to bump the car
and see what happens:
312
00:16:24,007 --> 00:16:26,646
Also, Pope Benedict
has finally mechanised the Swiss Guard,
313
00:16:26,727 --> 00:16:28,683
and said, "It"s my choice:
314
00:16:28,887 --> 00:16:31,879
"I do it for the Church
and for the fatherland: "
315
00:16:32,287 --> 00:16:33,845
You know, it"s strange,
I didn"t mention this at the time
316
00:16:33,927 --> 00:16:35,360
when he was chosen Pope:
317
00:16:35,447 --> 00:16:39,440
I was always hoping in my own heart
for a Brazilian Pope, Pope Raul:
318
00:16:39,527 --> 00:16:43,202
Just so you could have the nuns
in the thong and the feathers:
319
00:16:43,327 --> 00:16:44,760
(IMITATING SAMBA MUSIC)
320
00:16:45,367 --> 00:16:48,882
I was really thinking that would bring
a lot of people back to the Church:
321
00:16:50,967 --> 00:16:52,764
Excuse me: Excuse me:
322
00:16:55,167 --> 00:16:57,840
- You know, you"ve got really great skin:
- Oh, thank you:
323
00:16:59,367 --> 00:17:03,121
- Little bit of a tan:
- Thanks: I went to a tanning salon:
324
00:17:03,367 --> 00:17:07,519
I wanted to look like a Kennedy,
but I think they set it on George Hamilton:
325
00:17:07,607 --> 00:17:11,441
- George Hamilton: Doesn"t he have a grill?
- No, that"s George Foreman:
326
00:17:11,527 --> 00:17:15,122
You want to get married?
I need a wife before the debate:
327
00:17:15,447 --> 00:17:18,200
- Interested?
- I don"t know, Mr Dobbs:
328
00:17:18,327 --> 00:17:20,238
We could find a nice house
on Pennsylvania Avenue:
329
00:17:20,327 --> 00:17:21,965
Nothing too ostentatious:
330
00:17:22,047 --> 00:17:23,366
Little helicopter pad in the back,
331
00:17:23,447 --> 00:17:26,644
couple of thousand phone lines,
staff of 60, come on:
332
00:17:26,727 --> 00:17:27,921
Are you nervous?
333
00:17:28,007 --> 00:17:31,204
Why else would I propose
to a woman I never met before?
334
00:17:31,287 --> 00:17:32,402
But you have your own TV show:
335
00:17:32,487 --> 00:17:35,445
Yeah, but on the show
I get to ask the questions:
336
00:17:35,767 --> 00:17:37,246
You got two minutes, Tom:
337
00:17:37,727 --> 00:17:40,321
(DEBATE SHOW THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
338
00:17:50,207 --> 00:17:52,004
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
339
00:18:14,087 --> 00:18:15,076
Here we go:
340
00:18:15,167 --> 00:18:18,682
Good evening, and welcome
to this last presidential debate
341
00:18:18,767 --> 00:18:22,203
between the major candidates
for President of the United States:
342
00:18:22,287 --> 00:18:26,166
The candidates are the Democratic
nominee, President Kellogg,
343
00:18:26,247 --> 00:18:28,841
the Republican nominee, Senator Mills,
344
00:18:28,927 --> 00:18:32,237
and for the first time,
included in tonight"s debate,
345
00:18:32,647 --> 00:18:34,842
the Independent, Tom Dobbs:
346
00:18:35,007 --> 00:18:35,996
My name is Faith Daniels
347
00:18:36,087 --> 00:18:38,521
and l"II be the moderator
for tonight"s 90-minute debate:
348
00:18:38,607 --> 00:18:39,596
Cute:
349
00:18:40,447 --> 00:18:43,644
- Cleavage: Is that legal?
- Very cute:
350
00:18:43,727 --> 00:18:46,844
Now, the format has been agreed to
by representatives of both
351
00:18:46,927 --> 00:18:49,725
the Republican
and the Democratic campaigns:
352
00:18:49,807 --> 00:18:53,038
There is no subject matter that"s restricted:
353
00:18:53,127 --> 00:18:56,005
As always, each candidate
will have up to two minutes
354
00:18:56,087 --> 00:18:57,520
to make a closing statement:
355
00:18:57,607 --> 00:19:00,440
The order of those,
as well as the formal questioning tonight,
356
00:19:00,527 --> 00:19:02,961
were decided in advance by drawing:
357
00:19:03,407 --> 00:19:06,843
Gentlemen, again,
good evening and welcome: Let"s begin:
358
00:19:07,887 --> 00:19:09,240
Mr Dobbs,
359
00:19:09,327 --> 00:19:13,525
how would you explain your decision
to run for President of the United States?
360
00:19:13,607 --> 00:19:16,997
I decided to run because l"m fed up
with party politics:
361
00:19:17,447 --> 00:19:20,644
L"m tired of the Republican Party:
L"m tired of the Democratic Party:
362
00:19:20,727 --> 00:19:22,718
- A little edgy:
- There"s no real difference,
363
00:19:22,807 --> 00:19:24,877
it"s a Mr Potato candidate:
364
00:19:25,567 --> 00:19:29,560
Basically, you have a thing here where
here"s the operative word, "Party: "
365
00:19:29,647 --> 00:19:33,162
Because behind closed doors,
I think they just have a really good time:
366
00:19:33,247 --> 00:19:34,726
And when you read some of the transcripts,
367
00:19:34,807 --> 00:19:36,843
some of the things
your Secretary of Defense says,
368
00:19:36,927 --> 00:19:39,725
I think there must be
an open bar somewhere:
369
00:19:40,687 --> 00:19:44,600
Because the bottom line is they"ve lost track
of what they"re responsible for:
370
00:19:44,687 --> 00:19:47,406
They"re responsible to the people,
not party loyalties,
371
00:19:47,487 --> 00:19:49,603
and definitely not lobbyists:
372
00:19:50,527 --> 00:19:53,325
- That"s why I want to run for President:
- Not punchy enough:
373
00:19:53,407 --> 00:19:56,126
- I never thought l"d be saying this tonight: : :
- Needs a little more flare:
374
00:19:56,207 --> 00:19:58,323
: : : But you have one minute
remaining on your time, Mr Dobbs:
375
00:19:58,407 --> 00:20:00,079
Can I get a refund?
376
00:20:01,287 --> 00:20:02,606
- DANIELS: We will continue:
- Okay:
377
00:20:02,687 --> 00:20:05,406
Senator Mills,
l"d like to ask you the same question:
378
00:20:05,487 --> 00:20:07,239
Well, first of all, thank you, Faith,
379
00:20:07,327 --> 00:20:10,637
and thank all of you who are responsible
for having us here this evening:
380
00:20:10,727 --> 00:20:12,797
L"d also like to thank my wife and children
381
00:20:12,887 --> 00:20:16,357
who have been very supportive
of my candidacy, have been very helpful:
382
00:20:16,447 --> 00:20:17,880
This guy smiles so much
383
00:20:17,967 --> 00:20:19,844
it"s starting to upset me:
384
00:20:19,927 --> 00:20:23,317
I would like to thank all of those of you
who made this possible:
385
00:20:23,407 --> 00:20:27,116
And if I may reiterate
some of the comments of Senator Mills,
386
00:20:27,207 --> 00:20:31,166
with respect to family, children, wives
and immediate family,
387
00:20:31,247 --> 00:20:32,726
and the enormous: : :
388
00:20:32,807 --> 00:20:35,958
The important role that they play
in our failure or success,
389
00:20:36,047 --> 00:20:39,039
and, in my case, success,
390
00:20:39,127 --> 00:20:41,243
my love to them, my love to all of you,
who have: : :
391
00:20:41,327 --> 00:20:43,602
- What?
- He"s talking about his wife and children:
392
00:20:43,687 --> 00:20:45,564
Why is he running on? You know?
393
00:20:45,647 --> 00:20:46,796
Who cares?
394
00:20:46,887 --> 00:20:48,479
Thank you so much:
395
00:20:48,567 --> 00:20:50,285
And that"s why I have been
396
00:20:50,367 --> 00:20:54,360
a very rigourous advocate
of tough security measures:
397
00:20:54,447 --> 00:20:57,166
President Kellogg and I think alike
in this area:
398
00:20:57,247 --> 00:21:00,239
I am in total agreement
without equivocation
399
00:21:00,327 --> 00:21:03,319
that security measures
have got to remain tough:
400
00:21:03,647 --> 00:21:05,205
(APPLAUSE)
401
00:21:05,687 --> 00:21:07,006
Thank you:
402
00:21:08,127 --> 00:21:11,119
Mr Dobbs, what would your position be
on national security?
403
00:21:11,207 --> 00:21:12,925
- All right, come on:
- Go on, Tom, go for it:
404
00:21:13,007 --> 00:21:13,996
Do it:
405
00:21:14,087 --> 00:21:15,520
I believe that some of these measures
are already tough:
406
00:21:15,607 --> 00:21:18,201
If you"ve ever been
through passport control,
407
00:21:18,287 --> 00:21:19,925
you stand in line with thousands of people:
408
00:21:20,007 --> 00:21:23,079
Eventually, you get to an immigration
officer who"s behind bulletproof glass:
409
00:21:23,167 --> 00:21:25,283
He takes your passport,
looks at your passport picture,
410
00:21:25,367 --> 00:21:27,358
looks back at you,
looks at your passport pictures, says,
411
00:21:27,447 --> 00:21:30,086
"Why did you have your hair cut?"
"I don"t know: I felt good about myself: "
412
00:21:30,167 --> 00:21:33,079
The next thing he does is, they have
a video camera that takes a picture of you,
413
00:21:33,167 --> 00:21:34,885
then it compares it
to a previous picture of you:
414
00:21:35,007 --> 00:21:36,918
They"re very tough about that:
They"re very sceptical:
415
00:21:37,007 --> 00:21:38,998
- He"s gotta make his move:
- More oomph:
416
00:21:39,087 --> 00:21:41,396
Meanwhile, at the southern borders
of our country,
417
00:21:41,487 --> 00:21:44,445
four million illegal aliens
are crossing the border
418
00:21:44,527 --> 00:21:46,518
with bedroom sets and night tables:
419
00:21:46,607 --> 00:21:47,642
Hit them again:
420
00:21:47,727 --> 00:21:49,957
And we"re trying
to re-enter the country legally
421
00:21:50,047 --> 00:21:51,275
and they"re asking you tough questions like,
422
00:21:51,367 --> 00:21:52,800
"Where have you been?
Why were you there?"
423
00:21:52,887 --> 00:21:56,004
And you start to doubt yourself, like,
"I forgot why I was there:
424
00:21:56,327 --> 00:21:58,397
"I guess it was pleasure:
I guess it was pleasure:
425
00:21:58,487 --> 00:21:59,761
"Yeah, it felt: : : It was a vacation:
426
00:21:59,847 --> 00:22:02,839
"L"m sorry, I took a vacation:
I don"t know why:"
427
00:22:03,087 --> 00:22:04,236
And then: : :
428
00:22:04,327 --> 00:22:05,726
(APPLAUSE)
429
00:22:06,527 --> 00:22:07,801
And then the next thing you know,
430
00:22:07,887 --> 00:22:10,959
they"re patting down
an 85-year-old lady in a walker:
431
00:22:11,047 --> 00:22:14,642
Listen, if there"s an 85-year-old lady
in a walker, and she"s a terrorist,
432
00:22:14,727 --> 00:22:16,877
basically, game"s over, folks:
433
00:22:17,967 --> 00:22:19,639
And when they start
to put on that rubber glove,
434
00:22:19,727 --> 00:22:22,002
and look at me, l"m going,"Okay,
435
00:22:22,087 --> 00:22:24,920
"maybe we should have dinner first
before we do this: "
436
00:22:25,007 --> 00:22:27,123
You know, l"m saying,
let"s have real security,
437
00:22:27,207 --> 00:22:30,517
and not just the illusion of security
and be distracted by it:
438
00:22:30,647 --> 00:22:33,241
- That"s all l"m saying:
- Oh! Yeah:
439
00:22:33,327 --> 00:22:36,763
I fully support hydrogen cars:
440
00:22:36,847 --> 00:22:39,077
DOBBS: That"s weird,
"cause you"re backed by oil companies:
441
00:22:39,167 --> 00:22:41,044
DANIELS: You"II have your turn, Mr Dobbs:
DOBBS: Sorry:
442
00:22:41,127 --> 00:22:45,200
As I was saying, some of my colleagues
and I in the Senate
443
00:22:45,287 --> 00:22:47,517
have come up with
a very interesting strategy to deal with: : :
444
00:22:47,607 --> 00:22:48,596
But if you"re in bed with oil companies,
445
00:22:48,687 --> 00:22:50,405
how can you be talking
about fuel efficiencies?
446
00:22:50,487 --> 00:22:52,079
I mean, that"s like being a kosher pig farmer:
447
00:22:52,167 --> 00:22:53,395
He"s getting angry:
448
00:22:53,487 --> 00:22:55,717
This is not your talk show, Mr Dobbs:
449
00:22:55,807 --> 00:22:58,879
And you"re not on your private plane
flying to that golf vacation you took
450
00:22:58,967 --> 00:23:01,435
with the three heads
of the major oil corporations:
451
00:23:01,527 --> 00:23:04,405
- How"d you get there? Your hydrogen car?
- It"s like something I never saw before:
452
00:23:04,487 --> 00:23:07,365
- Mr Dobbs, return to your podium:
- Or did you fly in that lovely helium plane?
453
00:23:07,447 --> 00:23:09,756
Oh, no, that"s a blimp: L"m sorry:
No smoking in the hydrogen:
454
00:23:09,847 --> 00:23:13,078
- Boom! Hindenburg: Okay:
- Mr Dobbs, please:
455
00:23:13,167 --> 00:23:15,840
Of course, he"s for hydrogen:
It"s gonna take 30 years to develop,
456
00:23:15,927 --> 00:23:18,441
and meanwhile
we still haven"t got any more fuel efficiency:
457
00:23:18,527 --> 00:23:20,597
We"re not exploring alternative fuels
like methane:
458
00:23:20,687 --> 00:23:23,804
I know it"s hard to do, holding that chicken
over the gas tank, but you know:
459
00:23:23,887 --> 00:23:26,765
- Or ethanol, which is basically fuel alcohol:
- DANIELS: Mr Dobbs:
460
00:23:26,847 --> 00:23:29,156
It"s grain alcohol:
You can say, if I get stopped by the police,
461
00:23:29,247 --> 00:23:31,477
"My car"s been drinking, not me, baby: "
462
00:23:32,287 --> 00:23:35,484
Or maybe helium,
because if you have a helium car: : :
463
00:23:35,567 --> 00:23:36,716
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
464
00:23:36,807 --> 00:23:39,844
If you have a helium car,
you get rear-ended, next thing you know,
465
00:23:39,927 --> 00:23:41,883
(IN SQUEAKY VOICE)
"Hey, something"s wrong: "
466
00:23:42,647 --> 00:23:44,877
DANIELS: Mr Dobbs,
you have got to return to your podium:
467
00:23:44,967 --> 00:23:46,002
KELLOGG: Miss Daniels,
some order, please:
468
00:23:46,087 --> 00:23:47,076
We have: : :
469
00:23:47,207 --> 00:23:49,596
DOBBS: Yes, some order: Yes: You talk
about responsibility: What about you?
470
00:23:49,687 --> 00:23:52,042
Your Treasury Department lost $28 million:
471
00:23:52,127 --> 00:23:53,765
- They can"t account for it:
- DANIELS: We have agreed upon: : :
472
00:23:53,847 --> 00:23:55,326
- Return to your podium:
- And they claim accountability:
473
00:23:55,407 --> 00:23:59,002
Tell me, tell me that you are not receiving
major campaign finance contributions
474
00:23:59,087 --> 00:24:00,566
- from the oil companies, that you: : :
- Boom!
475
00:24:00,647 --> 00:24:04,401
I don"t take kindly to the fact
that you"re calling me a liar, Mr Dobbs:
476
00:24:04,487 --> 00:24:07,957
L"m basically saying, if this is a debate,
you should answer questions honestly:
477
00:24:08,047 --> 00:24:10,003
You should be accountable for who you are:
478
00:24:10,087 --> 00:24:12,885
The voter should know basically
what you represent:
479
00:24:12,967 --> 00:24:14,798
And if you"re representing
special interest groups,
480
00:24:14,887 --> 00:24:16,240
maybe we should be like NASCAR:
481
00:24:16,327 --> 00:24:18,318
You know, we"d be in the Senate
with our suits on,
482
00:24:18,407 --> 00:24:20,523
and basically, they should know
if you"re backed by something,
483
00:24:20,607 --> 00:24:22,325
it"d be like the little patches
like they wear in NASCAR:
484
00:24:22,407 --> 00:24:26,286
It can say, you know, "Vioxx, the backaches
end, the heart attacks begin: "
485
00:24:26,367 --> 00:24:29,837
And we"II put the big one on the back:
"Enron: We take your money and run:"
486
00:24:29,927 --> 00:24:31,155
Smackdown!
487
00:24:31,247 --> 00:24:34,637
- Accountability: It"s all about accountability:
- We have a format here that we agreed upon:
488
00:24:34,727 --> 00:24:36,922
$100 million,
the government bought in airplane tickets:
489
00:24:37,007 --> 00:24:38,360
Oh, for God"s sakes:
We got some real trouble here:
490
00:24:38,447 --> 00:24:39,482
: : : And yet they"re refundable:
491
00:24:39,567 --> 00:24:41,762
- Stand by on three, take three:
- : : : And they didn"t ask for the refund:
492
00:24:41,847 --> 00:24:44,441
- And the airlines are: : :
- Faith, can you: : : Faith, can you hear me?
493
00:24:44,527 --> 00:24:48,076
Yes, can you get control of this, please?
Get control of this!
494
00:24:48,167 --> 00:24:50,840
Don"t you see?
We deal in weapons of mass distraction:
495
00:24:50,927 --> 00:24:52,645
They push your buttons:
That"s how they do it:
496
00:24:52,727 --> 00:24:54,319
He"s talking about hydrogen fuel:
497
00:24:54,407 --> 00:24:57,205
They"II say,"He wants an amendment
to the Constitution on flag burning: "
498
00:24:57,287 --> 00:24:58,686
It"s an emotional issue:
499
00:24:58,767 --> 00:25:00,723
They"re talking about the desecration
of the flag,
500
00:25:00,807 --> 00:25:04,083
but if you go on-line right now,
you can buy flag underwear:
501
00:25:04,167 --> 00:25:05,202
Wow:
502
00:25:05,407 --> 00:25:08,001
You could see an old lady,
basically, wearing a flag thong, and go,
503
00:25:08,087 --> 00:25:11,079
"Oh, Grandma,
don"t tell me where Old Glory is:"
504
00:25:11,167 --> 00:25:12,600
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
505
00:25:12,687 --> 00:25:14,484
It"s all about distractions:
506
00:25:14,567 --> 00:25:16,125
KELLOGG: Mr Dobbs:
DANIELS: Mr Dobbs:
507
00:25:16,207 --> 00:25:19,119
- Mr Kellogg wants to pass an amendment: : :
- Mr Dobbs, you"re totally out of line:
508
00:25:19,207 --> 00:25:20,606
: : : Against same-sex marriage:
509
00:25:20,687 --> 00:25:23,520
Anybody who"s ever been married
knows it"s always the same sex:
510
00:25:23,887 --> 00:25:26,401
- Mr Dobbs!
- They don"t know what to do with him:
511
00:25:26,487 --> 00:25:27,806
- What"s up with that?
- Mr Dobbs, please:
512
00:25:27,887 --> 00:25:31,323
It"s a distraction: They point over here:
They point over there:
513
00:25:31,407 --> 00:25:32,396
They want you not to know:
514
00:25:32,487 --> 00:25:34,921
You don"t have to have an amendment
to the Constitution on burning the flag:
515
00:25:35,007 --> 00:25:36,918
Make it out of asbestos:
No one will want to touch the thing:
516
00:25:37,007 --> 00:25:38,360
Let someone else speak, Mr Dobbs:
517
00:25:38,447 --> 00:25:40,244
DANIELS: Mr Dobbs, please do not make
a mockery of this process:
518
00:25:40,327 --> 00:25:42,283
- Ma"am, it"s been a mockery a long time: : :
- Return to your podium:
519
00:25:42,367 --> 00:25:44,517
- : : : Before I came here, Faith:
- Mr Dobbs!
520
00:25:44,607 --> 00:25:45,835
(LOUD APPLAUSE)
521
00:25:47,327 --> 00:25:49,443
Now we got applause: This is wonderful:
522
00:25:49,527 --> 00:25:51,961
That"s it, we"re out of control here:
We"re absolutely out of control:
523
00:25:52,047 --> 00:25:54,686
$200 billion! You can buy a few books!
524
00:25:54,767 --> 00:25:56,041
Mr Dobbs!
525
00:25:56,127 --> 00:25:57,765
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
526
00:26:02,527 --> 00:26:04,882
It"s hard to say how voters
are gonna react to Tom Dobbs:
527
00:26:04,967 --> 00:26:07,435
Either he"s a hot dog or the genuine article:
528
00:26:07,527 --> 00:26:09,882
He did make some issues
come home to people,
529
00:26:09,967 --> 00:26:13,403
and if he could actually follow through,
he may have scored some points tonight:
530
00:26:13,487 --> 00:26:15,205
That"s a good point, Cathleen,
but you know what?
531
00:26:15,287 --> 00:26:17,243
This wasn"t just funny in the abstract:
532
00:26:17,327 --> 00:26:19,477
It was very pointed,
and it was very to the point:
533
00:26:19,567 --> 00:26:21,956
He was making political points
with his comedy,
534
00:26:22,047 --> 00:26:24,038
and I thought
it was incredible entertainment:
535
00:26:24,127 --> 00:26:26,687
How good the politics is,
we"re gonna have to wait and see:
536
00:26:26,767 --> 00:26:27,916
It"s gonna be difficult to assess
537
00:26:28,007 --> 00:26:30,202
how the American public
is going to respond
538
00:26:30,287 --> 00:26:33,279
to the level of undisciplined behaviour
Tom Dobbs exhibited:
539
00:26:33,367 --> 00:26:36,120
God, l"m feeling good:
In fact, l"m almost euphoric:
540
00:26:36,207 --> 00:26:40,120
Excuse me: Can you go see Tom right away?
He thinks he screwed up:
541
00:26:40,887 --> 00:26:44,766
Yeah, l"m euphoric:
He thinks he screwed up:
542
00:26:46,727 --> 00:26:49,002
MENKEN: Who gives a shit
what talking heads think?
543
00:26:49,087 --> 00:26:50,076
Different is good:
544
00:26:50,167 --> 00:26:54,319
When I first saw you I liked you
because you were different: New, yeah:
545
00:26:54,407 --> 00:26:57,444
You talked too fast,
couldn"t understand you half the time,
546
00:26:57,527 --> 00:26:59,006
but you were fresh:
547
00:26:59,087 --> 00:27:02,875
These politicians today look like
they"re borrowed from the wax museum:
548
00:27:02,967 --> 00:27:05,925
They"re already in their suits,
waiting to be buried:
549
00:27:06,007 --> 00:27:09,204
You want to be like them? A waste of time:
You want to be different:
550
00:27:09,287 --> 00:27:10,845
All bets are off:
551
00:27:10,927 --> 00:27:14,283
You"re a good candidate, Tom,
as loony as that seems:
552
00:27:14,367 --> 00:27:17,120
- But: : :
- What?
553
00:27:21,527 --> 00:27:24,519
You could be an even better one:
554
00:27:24,847 --> 00:27:26,485
Are you all right?
555
00:27:28,287 --> 00:27:31,996
- What"s wrong?
- L"m just a little short of breath:
556
00:27:32,327 --> 00:27:34,045
(SIREN ACTIVATED)
557
00:27:37,247 --> 00:27:39,442
Let"s get you to the hospital:
558
00:28:00,647 --> 00:28:02,046
Lt"s his emphysema:
559
00:28:02,127 --> 00:28:03,560
The doctors say he has a problem
560
00:28:03,647 --> 00:28:06,115
with the enlargement of his heart,
but he"s stable:
561
00:28:06,207 --> 00:28:08,926
There seems to be a link
between smoking and heart disease:
562
00:28:09,007 --> 00:28:11,123
Or am I just making that up?
563
00:28:12,207 --> 00:28:15,324
This"ll be the first time
l"ll be in front of an audience without him:
564
00:28:15,407 --> 00:28:19,036
You do what you did tonight
and things could get really interesting:
565
00:28:25,767 --> 00:28:26,756
(CHUCKLES)
566
00:28:29,247 --> 00:28:31,602
The old bastard"s right: Look at that:
567
00:28:31,687 --> 00:28:35,805
You got to be different to make
an impression: l"m shaking it up there:
568
00:28:36,127 --> 00:28:37,765
Forget trying to be presidential:
569
00:28:37,847 --> 00:28:40,759
You end up looking like them,
another stiff in a suit:
570
00:28:42,207 --> 00:28:43,959
I got to play my game:
571
00:28:45,287 --> 00:28:47,642
They thought I was wild in the debate?
572
00:28:48,527 --> 00:28:50,597
Watch me the next two weeks:
573
00:28:51,367 --> 00:28:52,561
L"m back:
574
00:28:52,647 --> 00:28:55,684
MAN: Mr Dobbs, how do you answer
the allegations from the Mills camp
575
00:28:55,767 --> 00:28:57,280
that you were arrested
for smoking marijuana?
576
00:28:57,367 --> 00:28:59,562
I definitely was:
Yes, I did inhale, because I thought,
577
00:28:59,647 --> 00:29:01,763
"What the hell?
Lt"s lit, it"s in my hand, l"ll inhale it:"
578
00:29:01,847 --> 00:29:02,836
You"re not denying these charges?
579
00:29:02,927 --> 00:29:04,519
Not at all: I was 25: I was stoned:
580
00:29:04,607 --> 00:29:06,404
At that point,
I was pretty much on everything but skates:
581
00:29:06,487 --> 00:29:07,966
Sir, do you think it"ll affect
the campaign at all?
582
00:29:08,047 --> 00:29:09,765
Not really:
You want to know my history, basically?
583
00:29:09,847 --> 00:29:11,883
When I was a young boy, I used to look
at pictures of naked ladies:
584
00:29:11,967 --> 00:29:13,400
Hence, my right hand is very strong:
585
00:29:13,487 --> 00:29:15,557
I touched myself
more than the third-base coach:
586
00:29:15,767 --> 00:29:17,678
Seventeen years old, I beat up a guy:
587
00:29:17,767 --> 00:29:19,439
When I was 21, I went to a prostitute:
588
00:29:19,527 --> 00:29:21,358
I was so bad, she actually gave me a refund:
589
00:29:21,447 --> 00:29:23,836
I once had a blind date
that I left in the theatre,
590
00:29:23,927 --> 00:29:25,076
and I felt so bad about it, I married her:
591
00:29:25,167 --> 00:29:27,681
That"s my ex-wife,
who I am not on good terms with:
592
00:29:27,767 --> 00:29:30,235
I just farted a little while back there,
if any of you wanted to ask:
593
00:29:30,327 --> 00:29:31,396
And if you find any other nonsense
594
00:29:31,487 --> 00:29:33,398
you"d like to talk about,
l"ll be glad to discuss it:
595
00:29:33,487 --> 00:29:34,476
L"m at full disclosure:
596
00:29:34,567 --> 00:29:36,842
Ladies and gentlemen,
it"s now time for the campaign:
597
00:29:36,927 --> 00:29:40,476
Lt"s gonna be a whole new ballgame,
so brace yourselves, people:
598
00:29:41,887 --> 00:29:44,242
DOBBS: Are you tired
of the Democratic Party?
599
00:29:44,327 --> 00:29:45,316
Yeah!
600
00:29:45,407 --> 00:29:47,318
Are you tired of the Republican Party?
601
00:29:47,407 --> 00:29:48,556
Yeah!
602
00:29:48,647 --> 00:29:51,764
Are you tired
of a Congress that does nothing?
603
00:29:51,847 --> 00:29:54,998
Are you tired
of having twice as many lobbyists
604
00:29:55,087 --> 00:29:57,442
as they"ve ever had before?
605
00:29:57,527 --> 00:29:59,836
Then l: : : I have an idea:
606
00:29:59,927 --> 00:30:01,679
Don"t vote for the congressmen
or the senators:
607
00:30:01,767 --> 00:30:04,076
You don"t have to vote, because
you know how we"re gonna pick them?
608
00:30:04,167 --> 00:30:05,202
No!
609
00:30:05,287 --> 00:30:07,164
The same way we pick a jury:
610
00:30:07,247 --> 00:30:09,158
And you"II get
a more interesting cross-section
611
00:30:09,247 --> 00:30:11,078
than the folks you got right now,
612
00:30:11,167 --> 00:30:12,725
I guarantee you:
613
00:30:12,807 --> 00:30:14,843
Do you want a better health-care system?
614
00:30:16,007 --> 00:30:17,440
You have an HMO that basically says,
615
00:30:17,527 --> 00:30:20,405
"We"II give you Viagra,
but we won"t pay for glasses:"
616
00:30:20,487 --> 00:30:22,682
So you can have a hard-on,
but you can"t see where to put it:
617
00:30:22,767 --> 00:30:24,883
- We"re gonna change it, aren"t we?
- Yeah!
618
00:30:24,967 --> 00:30:29,040
Yeah! Now, we"re not just talking
liberal or conservative: Big-time change:
619
00:30:29,127 --> 00:30:31,561
You know, recently,
a lot of the past administrations
620
00:30:31,647 --> 00:30:35,322
said it"s unpatriotic
to question the government:
621
00:30:35,407 --> 00:30:37,967
You know, if it was unpatriotic
to question the government,
622
00:30:38,047 --> 00:30:39,844
we"d still be English:
623
00:30:40,367 --> 00:30:43,598
The Boston Tea Party: The Boston Tea Party
wasn"t people going, "Oh, hello: "
624
00:30:43,687 --> 00:30:47,236
It was a lot of guys in Boston going,
"Here"s your tea, right here!"
625
00:30:47,327 --> 00:30:51,002
L"m tired of the Democratic Party:
L"m tired of the Republican Party:
626
00:30:51,087 --> 00:30:52,964
This is what we"re talking about:
Freedom of speech:
627
00:30:53,047 --> 00:30:55,083
And it also comes down
to the idea of freedom of religion,
628
00:30:55,167 --> 00:30:57,476
the idea of practising
any religion you want, anytime, anywhere:
629
00:30:57,567 --> 00:30:59,000
You could be anything:
You could be Bewish:
630
00:30:59,087 --> 00:31:00,122
You could be Jewish and Buddhist:
631
00:31:00,207 --> 00:31:02,675
You sit and you wait
for things to go on sale: That"s okay:
632
00:31:02,767 --> 00:31:04,485
But that"s what we"re talking about,
the freedom of religion:
633
00:31:04,567 --> 00:31:06,285
But occasionally religion crosses over:
634
00:31:06,367 --> 00:31:09,723
You have people saying, "Intelligent design:
You must teach intelligent design: "
635
00:31:09,807 --> 00:31:11,240
Look at the human body:
636
00:31:11,327 --> 00:31:13,158
Is that intelligent? I find it more interesting:
637
00:31:13,247 --> 00:31:16,842
You have a waste-processing plant
next to a recreation area:
638
00:31:17,047 --> 00:31:19,686
They always attack environmentalists,
saying, "You"re a tree-hugger: "
639
00:31:19,767 --> 00:31:22,440
I go, "No, l"ve done more than hug a tree:
640
00:31:22,527 --> 00:31:25,485
"If you find the right naughty pine,
you"re gonna have a good night:"
641
00:31:25,567 --> 00:31:28,718
Oh, yeah, who"s your woodsman?
Who"s your woodsman?
642
00:31:29,447 --> 00:31:32,564
L"m not just a tree-hugger,
l"m an air-breather: L"m sorry:
643
00:31:32,647 --> 00:31:36,117
It"s bad enough for the squirrel
that"s outside going,"Please, help me:
644
00:31:36,207 --> 00:31:38,038
"I can"t breathe today: "
645
00:31:39,127 --> 00:31:42,085
If you put enough chemicals in the water,
eventually you"II be fishing, going,
646
00:31:42,167 --> 00:31:45,682
"You know, Bob,
I love catching them two-headed bass:
647
00:31:45,767 --> 00:31:47,758
"They"re good eating,
once you get past the tumors:
648
00:31:47,847 --> 00:31:48,996
"There"s some good eating out there: "
649
00:31:49,087 --> 00:31:52,602
Tired of the Democratic Party:
Now l"m tired of the Republican Party, now:
650
00:31:52,687 --> 00:31:54,962
But that"s why you"re here,
because you want change!
651
00:31:55,047 --> 00:31:59,757
Yeah! You want to shake it up:
You have to be eyes-wide-open,
652
00:31:59,847 --> 00:32:00,962
ready to move on:
653
00:32:01,047 --> 00:32:03,607
On and on, hand in hand,
654
00:32:03,687 --> 00:32:08,681
everybody together, moving forward,
because the future is now:
655
00:32:13,287 --> 00:32:15,926
Oh, yeah! Yeah!
656
00:32:16,407 --> 00:32:17,396
(WHOOPS)
657
00:32:58,367 --> 00:33:00,198
- WOMAN: Tom, you"re the greatest!
- Thank you:
658
00:33:00,287 --> 00:33:03,802
You sure you don"t want one of us to drive?
Lt"s eight hours back to Chicago:
659
00:33:03,887 --> 00:33:07,721
No, I just want to be alone
for eight hours with my Barry White tapes:
660
00:33:07,807 --> 00:33:10,321
Tom, the doctors say
that Jack"s still pretty weak,
661
00:33:10,407 --> 00:33:13,365
so he could actually doze off
before all the results are in:
662
00:33:13,447 --> 00:33:16,245
What"s new?
He used to do that during my act:
663
00:33:17,087 --> 00:33:20,363
Hey, pick up a couple of cartons
of cigarettes for Menken:
664
00:33:20,447 --> 00:33:23,644
- They"re cheaper on the road:
- You"re so thoughtful:
665
00:33:24,407 --> 00:33:26,762
- It"s my middle name:
- Compassion:
666
00:33:28,007 --> 00:33:29,963
(MY CULTURE PLAYING)
667
00:33:32,567 --> 00:33:34,637
WOMAN ON RADIO:
The exit polls are very close:
668
00:33:34,727 --> 00:33:36,957
Kellogg and Mills are running about even,
669
00:33:37,047 --> 00:33:39,880
with Dobbs at around 17% of the vote:
670
00:33:52,047 --> 00:33:55,437
As you can see, President Kellogg
is winning by a small margin
671
00:33:55,527 --> 00:33:57,199
over Senator Mills in Rhode Island,
672
00:33:57,287 --> 00:33:59,243
as well as in Connecticut
and Massachusetts:
673
00:33:59,327 --> 00:34:01,557
But in all three states,
the numbers are very close:
674
00:34:02,367 --> 00:34:03,595
You see these numbers?
675
00:34:03,687 --> 00:34:05,678
The computer glitch:
Lt"s happening the same way:
676
00:34:05,767 --> 00:34:10,158
It looks as if Delaware now is going
to President Kellogg by a very close margin:
677
00:34:10,247 --> 00:34:11,805
What do you mean,
it"s not computing right?
678
00:34:11,887 --> 00:34:13,957
Lt"s not: Something"s wrong:
679
00:34:14,727 --> 00:34:17,036
MAN ON RADIO: Here"s an unusual turn
of events in Virginia:
680
00:34:17,127 --> 00:34:19,277
With now 87% of the vote in,
681
00:34:19,367 --> 00:34:22,006
comedian Tom Dobbs is leading:
682
00:34:22,127 --> 00:34:24,846
That"s going to surprise
more than a few of the experts,
683
00:34:24,927 --> 00:34:27,725
but Dobbs" numbers have been
increasing since the last debate:
684
00:34:27,807 --> 00:34:30,560
Most of the polls had him with 10 to 11%:
685
00:34:30,647 --> 00:34:33,036
So if this vote holds true in Virginia,
686
00:34:33,127 --> 00:34:35,322
Dobbs is going to surprise a lot of people:
687
00:34:35,407 --> 00:34:36,476
Yeah!
688
00:34:50,647 --> 00:34:53,480
Ding-dong:
Are you ready for your piña colonic?
689
00:34:53,567 --> 00:34:55,000
What the hell are you doing here?
690
00:34:55,087 --> 00:34:57,840
I just thought l"d spend the evening
with someone who gets on my nerves:
691
00:34:57,927 --> 00:34:59,599
How about Virginia?
692
00:34:59,687 --> 00:35:02,565
Virginia"s okay, but Debbie, such a slut:
693
00:35:03,727 --> 00:35:06,366
A little intensive care package here:
694
00:35:06,447 --> 00:35:08,119
- Red wine:
- A good month:
695
00:35:08,207 --> 00:35:09,196
Yes:
696
00:35:09,927 --> 00:35:13,602
Hey, a little cheese and pâté,
always good after a heart attack:
697
00:35:13,807 --> 00:35:14,842
Sit:
698
00:35:15,607 --> 00:35:19,202
MAN ON TV: : : : Because comedian Tom Dobbs
has won New Jersey as well as Virginia,
699
00:35:19,287 --> 00:35:21,039
a blue and a red state,
700
00:35:21,127 --> 00:35:24,437
which indicates that his message
cuts across political lines:
701
00:35:24,527 --> 00:35:26,483
Lt"s gonna be interesting:
702
00:35:26,687 --> 00:35:28,598
You"re not gonna win this election,
703
00:35:28,687 --> 00:35:31,645
but at least
you didn"t go gently into the good night:
704
00:35:32,247 --> 00:35:34,044
By the way, from all the signs tonight,
705
00:35:34,127 --> 00:35:36,766
that Delacroy Voting System
has worked extremely well:
706
00:35:36,847 --> 00:35:40,840
We"re not hearing anything about
long lines at the booths or other snafus:
707
00:35:40,927 --> 00:35:44,966
It seems this has probably straightened out
some of those voting problems of the past:
708
00:35:46,167 --> 00:35:48,078
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
709
00:36:05,887 --> 00:36:07,639
- Excuse me:
- Hey, Eleanor:
710
00:36:07,727 --> 00:36:10,764
- Have you looked at these numbers?
- Yeah: Yep:
711
00:36:11,007 --> 00:36:15,080
Yeah, I e-mailed you: I told you I thought
there was something wrong with the system:
712
00:36:15,167 --> 00:36:17,727
I was told that the glitch
was just limited to my computer:
713
00:36:17,807 --> 00:36:18,842
Yeah:
714
00:36:19,407 --> 00:36:21,796
What? Are you calling me a liar?
715
00:36:21,887 --> 00:36:25,243
No: All l"m saying is that these numbers,
these results,
716
00:36:25,327 --> 00:36:27,318
this is what I mentioned to you in my e-mail:
717
00:36:27,407 --> 00:36:29,398
Why did you decide to test the system?
718
00:36:29,487 --> 00:36:30,840
Well, I don"t know:
719
00:36:30,927 --> 00:36:32,918
Why did you need to run a test
at such a high count?
720
00:36:33,007 --> 00:36:33,996
I don"t know:
721
00:36:34,087 --> 00:36:35,122
What did you expect to find?
722
00:36:35,207 --> 00:36:37,277
If you found a system error,
how were you going to fix it?
723
00:36:37,367 --> 00:36:38,356
L"m not sure:
724
00:36:38,447 --> 00:36:40,438
Well, look into your soul
and ask yourself this question:
725
00:36:40,527 --> 00:36:42,836
Why would you test the computer
to such limits
726
00:36:42,927 --> 00:36:45,839
with so few days left to fix a problem,
if you found a problem?
727
00:36:45,927 --> 00:36:47,918
I was just double-checking:
728
00:36:48,007 --> 00:36:50,202
Do you want to destroy this company?
729
00:36:50,287 --> 00:36:51,640
"Cause that"s what you very well may do:
730
00:36:51,727 --> 00:36:52,716
You understand the ramifications:
731
00:36:52,807 --> 00:36:55,446
Do you want to put
over a thousand employees out of work?
732
00:36:56,127 --> 00:36:57,321
Do you?
733
00:36:57,527 --> 00:36:59,245
But the election will be a fraud:
734
00:36:59,327 --> 00:37:01,682
Here: Here it is in the sensible light of day:
The people are voting:
735
00:37:01,767 --> 00:37:03,917
There is an election:
The democratic process has worked:
736
00:37:04,007 --> 00:37:05,201
The only sour note?
737
00:37:05,287 --> 00:37:07,198
They won"t end up with the person
that they voted for
738
00:37:07,287 --> 00:37:08,322
to be the President of the United States:
739
00:37:08,407 --> 00:37:10,398
But we can celebrate the process:
740
00:37:10,487 --> 00:37:12,603
The democratic process
which we hold so dear
741
00:37:12,687 --> 00:37:14,757
will have worked efficiently, effectively:
742
00:37:14,847 --> 00:37:18,760
Everybody"s ultimately gonna be
satisfied unless somebody discloses
743
00:37:18,847 --> 00:37:21,202
indiscriminately, willy-nilly,
744
00:37:21,287 --> 00:37:23,278
in which case, it"ll appear that democracy
is in the shithouse
745
00:37:23,367 --> 00:37:25,835
and by tomorrow evening
Delacroy will be non-existent:
746
00:37:25,927 --> 00:37:27,804
- Now, was that your motive?
- No:
747
00:37:29,047 --> 00:37:31,277
America votes: A leader is chosen:
748
00:37:31,367 --> 00:37:34,439
But one thing could disturb
this beatific vision:
749
00:37:34,567 --> 00:37:36,558
I just want to be truthful:
750
00:37:36,647 --> 00:37:39,400
Perception of legitimacy is more important
than legitimacy itself:
751
00:37:39,487 --> 00:37:41,000
That"s the greater truth:
752
00:37:41,087 --> 00:37:44,762
Don"t fuck with our democracy:
Don"t undermine our way of life:
753
00:37:44,847 --> 00:37:46,724
You want to know what"s at the heart
and soul of every American?
754
00:37:46,807 --> 00:37:47,956
They believe that their vote counts:
755
00:37:48,047 --> 00:37:49,446
And now you want to tell them
that that"s not true?
756
00:37:49,527 --> 00:37:50,516
- But: : :
- But what?
757
00:37:50,607 --> 00:37:52,598
But the results of the election will be wrong:
758
00:37:52,687 --> 00:37:54,803
One candidate will win
because of computer error:
759
00:37:54,887 --> 00:37:56,559
- He will? How do we know that?
- Yes: l"m telling you!
760
00:37:56,647 --> 00:38:00,322
Based on what? Guessing:
Listen, this is your project, Eleanor:
761
00:38:00,407 --> 00:38:02,762
If you want to tinker with it
for future elections,
762
00:38:02,847 --> 00:38:04,963
it"s not only your prerogative,
I encourage you:
763
00:38:05,047 --> 00:38:06,878
The Delacroy Voting System is your baby:
764
00:38:06,967 --> 00:38:09,117
You"re a perfectionist: Bless your heart:
I support you 100%:
765
00:38:09,207 --> 00:38:10,196
You want to make it more perfect:
766
00:38:10,287 --> 00:38:14,724
But do it alone,
and with an eye to the future,
767
00:38:14,807 --> 00:38:18,402
because it is the future that interests us:
Now is the past:
768
00:38:20,967 --> 00:38:24,880
As I understand it, there"s no problem:
769
00:38:41,447 --> 00:38:42,641
And?
770
00:38:45,287 --> 00:38:46,481
And:
771
00:38:47,567 --> 00:38:49,046
(MUSIC PLAYING)
772
00:38:53,687 --> 00:38:55,279
(CROWD CHATTERING)
773
00:39:02,687 --> 00:39:04,723
I tell you, they seem to like this guy Dobbs:
774
00:39:04,807 --> 00:39:06,399
Oh, Danny, please:
775
00:39:07,287 --> 00:39:09,403
What are you saying?
This is all part of the same computer error?
776
00:39:09,487 --> 00:39:10,476
Yes:
777
00:39:11,127 --> 00:39:12,355
L"m going home:
778
00:39:14,887 --> 00:39:18,562
Well, I don"t know if she"s enrolled
in the programme, l"ll tell you that:
779
00:39:18,647 --> 00:39:20,842
What does my legal counsel suggest, then?
780
00:39:20,927 --> 00:39:22,963
L"ll go make a phone call:
781
00:39:23,527 --> 00:39:25,677
MAN ON TV: There was some research done
about a year ago, I think,
782
00:39:25,767 --> 00:39:28,361
saying that more and more people
are getting their political news
783
00:39:28,447 --> 00:39:33,316
from Leno, Letterman, Jon Stewart,
Tom Dobbs, and Bill Maher,
784
00:39:33,407 --> 00:39:36,399
more than they do from newspapers
and actual news programmes:
785
00:39:36,487 --> 00:39:39,160
- There you go: My thoughts exactly:
- Maybe this is an extension of that trend:
786
00:39:39,887 --> 00:39:41,957
You"re kidding me: Come on:
787
00:39:42,367 --> 00:39:44,323
It should be on the news any minute:
788
00:39:44,407 --> 00:39:46,967
It looks like we"re gonna take
North Carolina:
789
00:39:47,647 --> 00:39:51,560
What? Oh, and Indiana? You sure?
790
00:39:51,647 --> 00:39:54,923
Oh, this is so insane:
Insanity, it"s sweet insanity!
791
00:39:55,007 --> 00:39:56,998
And Indiana goes to Dobbs:
792
00:39:57,087 --> 00:39:58,406
(CHEERING)
793
00:40:00,087 --> 00:40:03,443
It"s just been confirmed
that comedian Tom Dobbs has won Arizona:
794
00:40:03,527 --> 00:40:04,755
If l"m correct,
795
00:40:04,847 --> 00:40:08,123
comedian Tom Dobbs has won every state
where he"s been on the ballot:
796
00:40:08,207 --> 00:40:10,675
Comedian Tom Dobbs
wins the Sunshine State:
797
00:40:10,767 --> 00:40:13,645
So New York wants a comedian
as President of the United States:
798
00:40:13,727 --> 00:40:16,161
Comedian Tom Dobbs
has been declared the winner: : :
799
00:40:16,247 --> 00:40:20,320
With 99% of the vote in,
comedian Tom Dobbs has won Texas:
800
00:40:20,647 --> 00:40:22,922
The funny man has conquered
the Lone Star State:
801
00:40:23,007 --> 00:40:25,237
You know,
according to my calculations down here,
802
00:40:25,327 --> 00:40:28,524
comedian Tom Dobbs
has got 146 electoral votes:
803
00:40:28,607 --> 00:40:30,040
Right now he"s got them:
804
00:40:30,127 --> 00:40:32,721
And there are five more states
to be counted where he"s on the ballot,
805
00:40:32,807 --> 00:40:34,160
out of the 13 to be counted:
806
00:40:34,247 --> 00:40:37,205
And it"s possible, if he takes all five states,
807
00:40:37,487 --> 00:40:41,400
that could put Dobbs
over the top of the 270 needed:
808
00:40:41,567 --> 00:40:44,127
I believe l"ve got my figures correct,
but it"s a possibility:
809
00:40:44,207 --> 00:40:47,517
Not a likely possibility, but it"s a possibility:
810
00:40:51,967 --> 00:40:56,563
This is the happiest night of my life,
and I can"t stay awake:
811
00:40:58,327 --> 00:41:03,003
: : : Have not been holding true: Our exit polls
have only in some cases proven accurate:
812
00:41:03,167 --> 00:41:07,797
Perhaps voters are keeping
their voting choices close to the vest:
813
00:41:07,967 --> 00:41:11,004
Now, Senator Mills
has very strong numbers,
814
00:41:11,087 --> 00:41:14,204
but not strong enough
to beat President Kellogg:
815
00:41:14,287 --> 00:41:18,439
In fact, the incumbent
has beaten Senator Mills in every state
816
00:41:18,527 --> 00:41:20,802
where they"ve been going one-on-one:
817
00:41:24,767 --> 00:41:25,756
(CLICKS)
818
00:41:57,967 --> 00:42:00,925
They are still confident
of an election victory:
819
00:42:01,007 --> 00:42:03,760
Tom Dobbs has been gaining momentum
since the debate:
820
00:42:03,847 --> 00:42:06,998
Now, right after the debate
there was a mixed reaction,
821
00:42:07,087 --> 00:42:10,762
but what we"ve seen since then
is that the public apparently sees him
822
00:42:10,847 --> 00:42:13,486
- as a candidate for change:
- Oh, for God"s sake: Where is it?
823
00:42:13,567 --> 00:42:17,321
And he has been formidable, as we"ve seen
in these numbers here tonight:
824
00:42:17,967 --> 00:42:20,879
We are now going to go live
back to Election Central,
825
00:42:20,967 --> 00:42:23,720
where Chris Matthews is standing by: Chris?
826
00:42:23,847 --> 00:42:25,803
Hold on to your hats, folks:
827
00:42:26,127 --> 00:42:27,480
Tom Dobbs: : :
828
00:42:29,447 --> 00:42:30,436
(MUFFLED SCREAM)
829
00:42:30,527 --> 00:42:32,245
: : :275 electoral votes:
830
00:42:32,327 --> 00:42:37,321
Comedian Tom Dobbs
is the next President of the United States:
831
00:42:48,647 --> 00:42:50,558
At 1:23 East Coast time,
832
00:42:50,647 --> 00:42:54,401
Comedian Tom Dobbs has been elected
President of the United States:
833
00:42:54,767 --> 00:42:59,318
The free world will now be led
by a comedian:
834
00:43:22,407 --> 00:43:26,320
Mr President, Donald Tilson, Secret Service:
L"ll be taking over:
835
00:43:28,047 --> 00:43:30,322
You don"t find this a little bit absurd?
836
00:43:35,607 --> 00:43:37,245
Thanks for your honesty:
837
00:43:37,847 --> 00:43:40,156
Always been a big fan of your work, sir:
838
00:43:46,287 --> 00:43:50,326
Jack, you"re the manager
of the President of the United States:
839
00:43:53,607 --> 00:43:56,075
Comedy Store to the White House:
840
00:43:58,407 --> 00:44:00,443
WOMAN ON TV: I think we"ve got to look
into the issue of computer fraud:
841
00:44:00,847 --> 00:44:04,396
I mean, we"ve had problems in other states,
Florida, Ohio, elsewhere,
842
00:44:04,487 --> 00:44:09,277
where it"s not only questions of malfunction
but also questions of legitimacy:
843
00:44:09,367 --> 00:44:11,597
Are these computers hackable?
844
00:44:11,687 --> 00:44:13,564
Everyone knows there isn"t a paper trail:
845
00:44:13,647 --> 00:44:16,320
It"s not the way
the Delacroy System is set up:
846
00:44:16,407 --> 00:44:18,204
Congress knew that: And let"s face it,
847
00:44:18,287 --> 00:44:22,360
the reality is a comedian
was elected President of the United States:
848
00:44:22,447 --> 00:44:24,199
Case closed: End of discussion:
849
00:44:30,567 --> 00:44:33,206
Have you given any thought to
what the makeup of your Cabinet might be?
850
00:44:33,287 --> 00:44:35,755
Well, l"ve looked at the IKEA catalogue
and didn"t see anything I liked:
851
00:44:35,847 --> 00:44:39,283
But l"m hoping for maybe a dark walnut
with a nice veneer: That would be lovely:
852
00:44:39,367 --> 00:44:41,358
What was your Vice President"s response
to this victory?
853
00:44:41,447 --> 00:44:43,165
Well, shocked as the rest of us:
854
00:44:43,247 --> 00:44:45,681
He said, "I guess l"ll have to clear
my calendar for the next four years:"
855
00:44:45,767 --> 00:44:47,280
Can we get back to questions
of the Cabinet?
856
00:44:47,367 --> 00:44:49,483
Certainly: My Cabinet will be diverse:
857
00:44:49,567 --> 00:44:51,285
It will include
both Republicans and Democrats
858
00:44:51,367 --> 00:44:52,959
and people of no party affiliation:
859
00:44:53,047 --> 00:44:56,835
I want diversity: I believe that democracy
is about a collision of ideas:
860
00:44:57,087 --> 00:44:59,840
L"m not of the school
that if you"re not for us, you"re against us:
861
00:44:59,927 --> 00:45:03,442
That being said, if I had my druthers,
l"d love an all-lesbian Cabinet:
862
00:45:03,527 --> 00:45:04,676
They might not accomplish more
863
00:45:04,767 --> 00:45:06,917
but it"d be fun to think about
what they"re doing behind closed doors:
864
00:45:07,007 --> 00:45:08,042
Thank you very much, everyone:
865
00:45:08,127 --> 00:45:10,482
We"re on our way to Washington
and wish us good luck:
866
00:45:10,567 --> 00:45:12,444
Lt"s going to be an adventure
and you"re all part of it:
867
00:45:27,927 --> 00:45:29,406
Hello!
868
00:45:29,487 --> 00:45:30,636
Hey, Ellie: Sorry, I didn"t see you there:
869
00:45:30,727 --> 00:45:34,436
Well, maybe if you paid a little more
attention instead of daydreaming:
870
00:45:34,807 --> 00:45:37,924
- Sorry, just give me a cappuccino, please:
- Sure:
871
00:45:40,207 --> 00:45:41,481
Hey, Angus: Cappuccino here:
872
00:45:41,567 --> 00:45:43,603
Can you see he"s busy getting mine
right now?
873
00:45:43,687 --> 00:45:46,406
What? I was just giving him my order:
Lt"s not a big deal:
874
00:45:46,487 --> 00:45:47,476
Lt"s really not a big deal, Ellie:
875
00:45:47,567 --> 00:45:51,401
Well, apparently it is "cause, you know,
this is taking forever: lt"s forever:
876
00:45:51,487 --> 00:45:52,920
Hold your horses:
877
00:45:53,007 --> 00:45:54,838
Hey, Angus,
do you have any of those cookies I like?
878
00:45:54,927 --> 00:45:55,916
What are they called?
879
00:45:56,007 --> 00:45:58,441
Can you please
just let me get my cappuccino?
880
00:46:00,367 --> 00:46:04,121
Okay: I didn"t realise you were such a bitch:
881
00:46:08,087 --> 00:46:10,760
Anytime during this millennium
would be terrific:
882
00:46:11,207 --> 00:46:12,401
Thanks:
883
00:46:13,007 --> 00:46:15,601
- Cappuccino?
- Yes, thanks:
884
00:46:48,247 --> 00:46:49,362
(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)
885
00:46:52,127 --> 00:46:53,446
Shit:
886
00:46:53,527 --> 00:46:55,358
Shit: Shit:
887
00:46:55,447 --> 00:46:57,039
- Eleanor, let me lend you a hand:
- Shit: I got it:
888
00:46:57,127 --> 00:46:59,925
- Just let me take care of it for you:
- I got it: I got it!
889
00:47:00,887 --> 00:47:04,675
- It"s no problem:
- I got it! I got it:
890
00:47:05,687 --> 00:47:06,802
Okay:
891
00:47:07,447 --> 00:47:10,962
I got it: I got it: I got it: Who stole my purse?
892
00:47:11,047 --> 00:47:12,799
Ellie: Ellie, lt"s right here:
893
00:47:14,207 --> 00:47:16,038
Did you empty out my purse?
894
00:47:19,367 --> 00:47:22,200
- Did you touch my things?
- No:
895
00:47:22,367 --> 00:47:23,925
You touched my things:
896
00:47:27,607 --> 00:47:29,677
I can"t believe you touched my things:
897
00:47:29,767 --> 00:47:32,042
- Ellie, I didn"t touch your things:
- You touched my things:
898
00:47:32,127 --> 00:47:34,083
What is wrong with you?
899
00:47:35,007 --> 00:47:36,963
He went through my things!
900
00:47:41,527 --> 00:47:42,960
Damn it!
901
00:47:45,767 --> 00:47:47,246
I made a mess:
902
00:47:47,647 --> 00:47:51,003
L"ve made a mess: l"ve made such a mess:
903
00:47:51,127 --> 00:47:52,845
L"ve made such a mess, but it"s my mess:
904
00:47:52,927 --> 00:47:55,395
- It"s my mess, and l"m gonna clean it up:
- Okay:
905
00:47:55,487 --> 00:47:57,682
L"m gonna clean: My mess:
906
00:47:57,767 --> 00:48:00,327
Lt"s my mess, and l"ll clean it:
907
00:48:00,407 --> 00:48:02,284
L"ll clean it up: lt"s my mess:
908
00:48:02,527 --> 00:48:04,199
Lt"s my mess:
909
00:48:04,287 --> 00:48:06,084
WOMAN: Ellie, do you want me
to get some help?
910
00:48:06,167 --> 00:48:07,156
My mess:
911
00:48:07,607 --> 00:48:09,518
Can someone call 911?
912
00:48:21,007 --> 00:48:22,156
We have a bit of a deadline:
913
00:48:22,247 --> 00:48:26,081
In terms of appointments, there are
roughly 7,000 to 8,000 slots to be filled,
914
00:48:26,167 --> 00:48:28,362
1,500 of which
will require Senate confirmation:
915
00:48:28,447 --> 00:48:31,007
Seven to eight thousand?
Do we know that many incompetent people?
916
00:48:31,087 --> 00:48:32,520
Well, in LA, maybe:
917
00:48:32,607 --> 00:48:34,882
Oh, and over 400
just for core White House staff:
918
00:48:34,967 --> 00:48:38,277
Yeah: We have to announce 14 Cabinet
Secretary positions or at the very least
919
00:48:38,367 --> 00:48:40,642
begin to float
some of your possible choices posthaste:
920
00:48:40,727 --> 00:48:45,005
Just off the top of my head, I was thinking
Bruce Springsteen as Secretary of State:
921
00:48:46,007 --> 00:48:47,235
Joke:
922
00:48:47,327 --> 00:48:49,363
A joke: Little one: Little joke:
923
00:48:49,487 --> 00:48:52,240
Sorry: l"m just a little nervous, guys:
I do care:
924
00:48:52,847 --> 00:48:54,166
I hope this works:
925
00:48:54,287 --> 00:48:55,561
Lt"ll work:
926
00:48:55,727 --> 00:48:57,001
I think:
927
00:49:09,087 --> 00:49:12,204
Thank you: Sorry l"m late:
My horse pulled up lame:
928
00:49:16,487 --> 00:49:19,240
Thank you: Nice tie:
929
00:49:19,407 --> 00:49:23,116
President-elect Tom Dobbs
paid an impromptu visit to Congress
930
00:49:23,287 --> 00:49:25,960
and literally
brought down the House with laughter:
931
00:49:26,047 --> 00:49:30,484
As word spread quickly, more and more
members of Congress left their offices
932
00:49:30,647 --> 00:49:33,366
to see Dobbs" costumed visit firsthand:
933
00:49:33,527 --> 00:49:36,200
That reception you gave me
was quite extraordinary
934
00:49:36,287 --> 00:49:39,563
and I will try and be brief because
I know Tuesday is bingo day in Congress:
935
00:49:39,647 --> 00:49:44,084
It should be duly noted, Chairman,
that this is not a scheduled visit:
936
00:49:44,247 --> 00:49:46,886
It is not on the docket for today:
It"s not really official:
937
00:49:47,327 --> 00:49:49,238
So no rules have been violated:
938
00:49:49,327 --> 00:49:53,320
It"s just our little secret
between you, me and the world media:
939
00:49:54,047 --> 00:49:56,277
I also have some disturbing news:
940
00:49:56,447 --> 00:49:58,563
On the way in here I took a brief poll,
941
00:49:58,647 --> 00:50:00,683
and one-third of Congressmen and women
942
00:50:00,767 --> 00:50:03,076
thought that
this was still the present fashion:
943
00:50:03,167 --> 00:50:06,284
The other third thought that I looked like
former First Lady Barbara Bush:
944
00:50:06,367 --> 00:50:09,279
L"m looking at the toxology report here:
Lt"s overwhelming:
945
00:50:09,367 --> 00:50:14,600
She"s got Benzedrine, morphine,
codeine, cocaine, GHB, Talwin:
946
00:50:14,687 --> 00:50:17,247
Historians have written
that our founding fathers
947
00:50:17,327 --> 00:50:19,602
were brilliant and courageous men,
948
00:50:19,767 --> 00:50:22,042
but they sometimes
made difficult decisions,
949
00:50:22,127 --> 00:50:25,119
sometimes had to pass
unpopular legislation:
950
00:50:25,287 --> 00:50:27,676
Now, what would they think about us
200 and some years from now?
951
00:50:27,767 --> 00:50:29,837
What will they write about this Congress?
952
00:50:29,927 --> 00:50:33,078
Will they say
that you were brave and brilliant?
953
00:50:33,527 --> 00:50:35,119
Courageous?
954
00:50:35,527 --> 00:50:38,121
Will your legacy be
as extraordinary as theirs?
955
00:50:39,207 --> 00:50:42,597
We have a lot to live up to:
I think we can do it:
956
00:50:42,967 --> 00:50:44,878
I know we can do it:
957
00:50:46,647 --> 00:50:48,763
You can"t just say it didn"t happen:
958
00:50:50,607 --> 00:50:54,236
When have you ever known me
to ever take any kind of drugs?
959
00:50:54,607 --> 00:50:56,245
L"m even afraid of Nyquil:
960
00:50:59,207 --> 00:51:00,560
I got a promotion:
961
00:51:01,207 --> 00:51:02,560
They"re sending me to Ireland:
962
00:51:02,647 --> 00:51:03,921
Oh, Danny:
963
00:51:04,087 --> 00:51:05,076
What?
964
00:51:05,527 --> 00:51:07,677
They"re just trying to pay you off:
965
00:51:07,767 --> 00:51:10,964
They just don"t want you talking
about the computer problems:
966
00:51:14,487 --> 00:51:17,160
I got to let people know
the election"s a fraud:
967
00:51:18,087 --> 00:51:19,440
Do you think anybody"s gonna believe you?
968
00:51:19,527 --> 00:51:20,755
Sure: Why not?
969
00:51:20,847 --> 00:51:23,122
Maybe because you flipped out
and you"re in a hospital
970
00:51:23,207 --> 00:51:24,765
and you"ve been doing drugs?
971
00:51:24,847 --> 00:51:26,200
- I don"t do drugs:
- Cocaine, Ellie?
972
00:51:26,287 --> 00:51:29,324
I told you, I don"t do drugs:
I don"t do drugs: I don"t:
973
00:51:29,407 --> 00:51:30,681
Who believes you?
Who"s gonna believe you?
974
00:51:30,767 --> 00:51:35,363
There"s been a few problems:
Education, health care, inner cities,
975
00:51:35,447 --> 00:51:39,281
infrastructure, environmental issues:
That"s what"s before us:
976
00:51:39,447 --> 00:51:40,516
He will:
977
00:51:41,207 --> 00:51:43,004
I think our legacy will be: : :
978
00:51:54,127 --> 00:51:55,640
AUTOMATED VOICE: Turn left:
979
00:51:56,167 --> 00:51:57,156
Okay:
980
00:52:03,087 --> 00:52:04,236
Talk to me, baby: Talk to me:
981
00:52:04,327 --> 00:52:08,002
Drive 0:4 miles, then turn left:
982
00:52:08,327 --> 00:52:09,316
Okay:
983
00:52:10,647 --> 00:52:12,797
FBl: FBl:
984
00:52:14,087 --> 00:52:15,236
FBl:
985
00:52:16,207 --> 00:52:17,435
FBl:
986
00:52:19,247 --> 00:52:20,521
FBl:
987
00:52:21,087 --> 00:52:25,239
MENKEN: I am now the manager
of the President-elect of the United States
988
00:52:25,327 --> 00:52:27,966
and 15% of the President"s salary is nothing
989
00:52:28,047 --> 00:52:31,323
compared to what
Dobbs normally makes on a yearly basis:
990
00:52:31,407 --> 00:52:33,875
This is a monetary sacrifice
l"m willing to make
991
00:52:33,967 --> 00:52:39,200
since I am now the first show-business
manager ever to handle a President:
992
00:52:42,807 --> 00:52:45,560
(THEY CAN"T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME
PLAYING)
993
00:52:51,087 --> 00:52:53,043
See why l"m making a living here:
994
00:52:56,607 --> 00:52:58,245
Oh, I wish I could walk:
995
00:53:03,047 --> 00:53:04,366
Oh, man:
996
00:53:08,127 --> 00:53:10,322
Happy birthday, Mr Menken:
997
00:53:10,407 --> 00:53:13,160
L"m Eleanor Green, FBl:
998
00:53:13,647 --> 00:53:15,877
Hi, Eleanor Green, FBl:
999
00:53:16,047 --> 00:53:17,196
Everything all right?
1000
00:53:17,287 --> 00:53:18,925
Oh, just fine:
1001
00:53:19,927 --> 00:53:20,996
Just fine:
1002
00:53:21,687 --> 00:53:24,963
L"m just here just making sure
everything"s secure:
1003
00:53:30,567 --> 00:53:31,920
I probably shouldn"t
have introduced myself:
1004
00:53:32,007 --> 00:53:33,804
L"m sorry, that was out of place:
1005
00:53:33,887 --> 00:53:35,161
No, you have to:
1006
00:53:36,047 --> 00:53:37,400
Anyway, happy birthday again:
1007
00:53:37,487 --> 00:53:40,240
Again? Did another year just pass?
1008
00:53:40,887 --> 00:53:43,196
I taught Tom
everything he knows about comedy:
1009
00:53:43,287 --> 00:53:44,640
Except how to be funny:
1010
00:53:44,727 --> 00:53:46,046
I can see that:
1011
00:53:46,207 --> 00:53:47,925
A put-down from the FBl:
1012
00:53:48,007 --> 00:53:50,123
No, l"m: : : l"m sorry:
I didn"t mean it to come out that way:
1013
00:53:50,207 --> 00:53:51,765
Oh, no, please: lt"s all right:
1014
00:53:51,847 --> 00:53:55,317
You know, he"s only annoying
when he"s happy: lt"s an old Irish tradition:
1015
00:53:55,407 --> 00:53:57,045
- You want to dance?
- I don"t dance:
1016
00:53:57,127 --> 00:53:58,162
Oh, perfect:
1017
00:53:58,247 --> 00:54:00,044
MENKEN: They didn"t teach you
to dance at the FBI?
1018
00:54:00,127 --> 00:54:02,766
J: Edgar Hoover was a wonderful dancer:
1019
00:54:03,007 --> 00:54:05,805
Fat, but light on his feet:
1020
00:54:09,647 --> 00:54:11,956
Could we just talk and not move?
1021
00:54:13,847 --> 00:54:15,121
Sure:
1022
00:54:32,087 --> 00:54:35,523
So what do you do when you"re not
pretending to be an FBI agent?
1023
00:54:38,447 --> 00:54:40,642
- It"s that apparent?
- Yeah:
1024
00:54:41,847 --> 00:54:44,441
You"re not concerned?
Someone like me crashing the party?
1025
00:54:44,527 --> 00:54:46,802
Please: Listen, l"ve played in clubs for years:
1026
00:54:46,887 --> 00:54:49,401
Had to deal with drunks, hecklers
and angry waitresses,
1027
00:54:49,487 --> 00:54:50,602
one of which is my ex-wife:
1028
00:54:50,687 --> 00:54:52,803
But you know, I have an eye
for that kind of thing,
1029
00:54:52,887 --> 00:54:55,037
and you wouldn"t be on my dangerous list:
1030
00:54:55,127 --> 00:54:56,116
Good:
1031
00:54:57,327 --> 00:54:58,726
- That"s good:
- Yeah:
1032
00:54:58,847 --> 00:55:02,806
Besides, Secret Service already flagged you,
and I said you were okay:
1033
00:55:17,167 --> 00:55:20,398
- Too fast?
- No, it"s fine: No:
1034
00:55:20,687 --> 00:55:22,359
So, what do you really do?
1035
00:55:25,007 --> 00:55:28,920
Well, I did work for
Delacroy Voting Systems:
1036
00:55:29,887 --> 00:55:34,563
But they had cutbacks: I was laid off:
1037
00:55:35,167 --> 00:55:38,443
Laid off? Wow, I thought they were making
the big bucks: I mean, that"s weird:
1038
00:55:38,527 --> 00:55:42,679
Well, it was a small cutback, actually:
It was a very small cutback:
1039
00:55:42,767 --> 00:55:44,325
Actually, just me:
1040
00:55:44,607 --> 00:55:48,122
Oh, so, would "fired" be more
appropriate than "cutback"?
1041
00:55:48,207 --> 00:55:51,802
- Well, if you want to be picky: : :
- Oh, picky:
1042
00:55:51,887 --> 00:55:56,358
: : :with words, then yes, then I guess, fired:
1043
00:55:56,927 --> 00:55:59,805
Fired would be it:
1044
00:55:59,967 --> 00:56:01,639
May I ask why?
1045
00:56:04,847 --> 00:56:07,077
- Oh, none of my business:
- It is:
1046
00:56:11,087 --> 00:56:14,363
Look, you"re having such a good time:
I don"t want to spoil it: lt"s: : :
1047
00:56:14,447 --> 00:56:16,438
Excuse me:
Tom, you have to do the birthday toast now:
1048
00:56:16,527 --> 00:56:18,518
Okay: l"ll be right there: Yeah:
1049
00:56:19,607 --> 00:56:23,236
Listen, we"re staffing up right now, and: : :
1050
00:56:23,327 --> 00:56:24,760
- Staffing up?
- Yeah:
1051
00:56:27,807 --> 00:56:30,560
Oh, staffing up? No, that"s not what I meant:
1052
00:56:30,647 --> 00:56:31,682
- Okay:
- That"s not why l"m here:
1053
00:56:31,767 --> 00:56:34,725
Oh, that"s all right, but listen,
this is my personal cell:
1054
00:56:34,807 --> 00:56:37,958
And you know,
if you need anything, you call: Okay?
1055
00:56:46,167 --> 00:56:47,316
DOBBS: Yes!
1056
00:56:49,647 --> 00:56:52,207
Yeah! Yes, indeed!
1057
00:56:52,567 --> 00:56:54,842
To Jack Menken, a man who once said,
1058
00:56:54,927 --> 00:56:57,316
"If Mama Cass had shared
a sandwich with Karen Carpenter,
1059
00:56:57,407 --> 00:56:59,318
"they both would be alive today:"
1060
00:57:00,047 --> 00:57:01,719
L"m sorry:
1061
00:57:03,367 --> 00:57:05,881
This is a man who is so sensitive,
someone once asked,
1062
00:57:05,967 --> 00:57:07,639
"What do you think of gay marriage?"
And he said,
1063
00:57:07,727 --> 00:57:11,322
"I think gays have a right to be
just as miserable as the rest of us: "
1064
00:57:11,847 --> 00:57:14,441
To Jack Menken, an incredible human being:
1065
00:57:14,527 --> 00:57:16,518
- A great manager:
- A great manager:
1066
00:57:16,607 --> 00:57:19,519
Made you a star: Made you the President:
1067
00:57:19,607 --> 00:57:23,361
- And by doing so, has put me out of work:
- Yes! God bless him:
1068
00:57:23,447 --> 00:57:24,960
God bless Jack Menken!
1069
00:57:25,167 --> 00:57:27,886
(BLACK HORSE AND
THE CHERRY TREE PLAYING)
1070
00:58:04,607 --> 00:58:05,881
(PHONE RINGING)
1071
00:58:06,247 --> 00:58:07,646
ELEANOR: Danny, hi:
1072
00:58:07,727 --> 00:58:09,240
Hey, where the hell are you?
1073
00:58:09,327 --> 00:58:11,602
Are you alone?
This is your cell phone, right?
1074
00:58:11,687 --> 00:58:13,325
Yeah, why? What"s going on?
1075
00:58:13,407 --> 00:58:17,844
Paranoid, I guess:
I got a chance to meet him: Dobbs:
1076
00:58:17,927 --> 00:58:19,326
(DANNY SIGHS)
1077
00:58:19,447 --> 00:58:21,756
You didn"t tell him, did you? I mean: : :
1078
00:58:21,967 --> 00:58:24,640
No, but he should know, don"t you think?
1079
00:58:24,807 --> 00:58:26,365
Let it go: Just put it behind you, okay?
1080
00:58:26,447 --> 00:58:28,358
Nothing good can possibly come
from revealing what happened:
1081
00:58:28,447 --> 00:58:30,881
Listen, is anyone trying to figure out
what happened with the system?
1082
00:58:30,967 --> 00:58:32,002
L"m just curious:
1083
00:58:32,087 --> 00:58:34,760
I don"t know: You know, I mean, it"s not
the sort of thing that l"d hear about:
1084
00:58:34,847 --> 00:58:37,884
I mean, I think they"d be going through
their private channels for that sort of thing:
1085
00:58:37,967 --> 00:58:39,525
You know how that goes:
1086
00:58:39,847 --> 00:58:40,962
Ellie?
1087
00:58:41,367 --> 00:58:42,641
Good night, Danny:
1088
00:58:47,687 --> 00:58:49,006
WOMAN: James Hemmings" office:
1089
00:58:49,087 --> 00:58:51,760
Yes, is Mr Hemmings in?
This is Tom Dobbs:
1090
00:58:51,847 --> 00:58:53,041
Just a minute:
1091
00:58:54,687 --> 00:58:56,564
It"s a Tom Dobbs:
1092
00:58:56,647 --> 00:58:59,480
Is that the Tom Dobbs,
President-elect Dobbs?
1093
00:58:59,567 --> 00:59:01,125
Well, did you ask?
1094
00:59:01,207 --> 00:59:03,516
No, I was too embarrassed to:
1095
00:59:03,647 --> 00:59:04,636
All right:
1096
00:59:06,727 --> 00:59:07,955
James Hemmings:
1097
00:59:08,327 --> 00:59:10,397
James, Tom Dobbs, President-elect:
1098
00:59:11,607 --> 00:59:13,120
Yes, sir: Yeah, of course:
1099
00:59:13,207 --> 00:59:15,596
I know this is a little out of the ordinary,
1100
00:59:15,687 --> 00:59:18,281
but did you have an employee
named Eleanor Green?
1101
00:59:18,727 --> 00:59:19,842
Yep:
1102
00:59:21,087 --> 00:59:23,647
- Is something wrong?
- I need some information:
1103
00:59:23,727 --> 00:59:26,525
It"s strictly confidential:
Just between you and me:
1104
00:59:26,607 --> 00:59:30,316
Yeah, I mean, well, you know,
where do I begin?
1105
00:59:30,407 --> 00:59:32,841
Well, I know that she was fired by Delacroy:
1106
00:59:34,127 --> 00:59:38,245
Look, l"m a little confused: Is she: : :
Is she applying for a job with you?
1107
00:59:38,327 --> 00:59:41,399
- No:
- Did you meet with her personally?
1108
00:59:41,487 --> 00:59:43,478
Yes: That"s how I knew
that she was a Delacroy employee
1109
00:59:43,567 --> 00:59:45,159
and that she was fired by your company:
1110
00:59:45,247 --> 00:59:47,886
Yeah, yeah: Did: : : Did she add to that?
1111
00:59:48,487 --> 00:59:49,476
Add what?
1112
00:59:49,567 --> 00:59:52,240
Did she mention that she had
a very, very bad drug problem?
1113
00:59:52,327 --> 00:59:54,966
She had a breakdown here:
She had to be hospitalised:
1114
00:59:55,047 --> 00:59:56,719
No, she didn"t mention that:
1115
00:59:56,807 --> 01:00:00,482
Yeah, yeah, that"s why l"m surprised
she"s there: She should be in drug rehab:
1116
01:00:00,567 --> 01:00:02,762
Lt"s weird: She doesn"t seem like the type:
1117
01:00:02,847 --> 01:00:05,759
- You know how I might reach her?
- You know how I can reach her?
1118
01:00:05,847 --> 01:00:07,678
I guess we both have a problem in that area:
1119
01:00:07,767 --> 01:00:09,758
Yeah: Yeah:
1120
01:00:09,847 --> 01:00:12,236
Look, if I hear anything, l"II contact you:
1121
01:00:12,487 --> 01:00:15,843
Delacroy Systems has completed a deal
with the European Common Market,
1122
01:00:15,927 --> 01:00:18,521
which will invest in
their successful computer voting system:
1123
01:00:18,607 --> 01:00:22,998
With this announcement, Delacroy stock
has jumped 37% on the big board:
1124
01:00:24,887 --> 01:00:26,081
WOMAN: Come on!
1125
01:00:27,207 --> 01:00:28,526
"S:"
1126
01:00:29,167 --> 01:00:31,476
- ALEX TREBEK: Yeah, there are two of them:
- All right:
1127
01:00:32,847 --> 01:00:34,678
- ALEX TREBEK: $900:
- MAN: "N:"
1128
01:00:35,047 --> 01:00:38,517
Yeah, two "N"s: "That"II get you
on the board with $1,800:
1129
01:00:38,607 --> 01:00:39,881
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
1130
01:00:44,887 --> 01:00:46,843
- $800:
- WOMAN: "L:"
1131
01:00:47,207 --> 01:00:50,438
Yeah, there are two of them:
You have almost $3,000 now:
1132
01:00:50,527 --> 01:00:51,880
- L"d like to buy a vowel:
- Yeah:
1133
01:00:51,967 --> 01:00:55,164
- L"d like to buy an "l: "
- Well, there are two "l"s: "
1134
01:00:59,247 --> 01:01:00,965
This would be a good time to find a letter:
1135
01:01:01,047 --> 01:01:02,116
"M:"
1136
01:01:02,207 --> 01:01:04,004
Or three: Yes:
1137
01:01:09,607 --> 01:01:11,563
Double "G"s" before double "L"s:"
1138
01:01:15,327 --> 01:01:18,160
Double "B"s" before double "G"s:"
1139
01:01:23,167 --> 01:01:25,283
Yes! Yes!
1140
01:01:28,847 --> 01:01:30,883
Double "G"s" before double "L"s:"
1141
01:01:31,927 --> 01:01:34,600
Double "B"s" before double "G"s:"
1142
01:01:37,607 --> 01:01:38,960
Lt"s alphabetical:
1143
01:01:42,567 --> 01:01:43,886
Lt"s alphabetical:
1144
01:01:45,687 --> 01:01:49,760
Okay, you mean to tell me that we didn"t
shut down her access when we let her go?
1145
01:01:49,847 --> 01:01:52,520
- Evidently not:
- That"s smart:
1146
01:01:52,607 --> 01:01:54,404
Her ID"s showing up on the access logs:
1147
01:01:54,487 --> 01:01:57,285
She"s been in the mainframe
and poking around the code depository:
1148
01:01:57,367 --> 01:01:58,356
Do we know where she is?
1149
01:01:58,447 --> 01:02:00,642
Not yet, but we will:
1150
01:02:01,047 --> 01:02:02,116
What"s the matter?
1151
01:02:02,207 --> 01:02:03,686
You know what"s the matter: L"m unhappy:
1152
01:02:03,767 --> 01:02:05,439
You"re unhappy about what?
1153
01:02:05,847 --> 01:02:08,122
What do you think l"m unhappy about?
1154
01:02:08,647 --> 01:02:10,365
- You agreed to play the turkey:
- I never agreed:
1155
01:02:10,447 --> 01:02:12,881
You know, it"s not a big deal:
All you do is cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck:
1156
01:02:12,967 --> 01:02:15,527
First of all, we don"t cluck,
we gobble, okay?
1157
01:02:15,607 --> 01:02:18,440
And if it"s not such a big deal,
why don"t you be the turkey?
1158
01:02:18,527 --> 01:02:20,995
- You want me to be the turkey?
- Yeah, come on:
1159
01:02:21,087 --> 01:02:23,078
- You want me to be the turkey?
- Yeah:
1160
01:02:23,407 --> 01:02:24,396
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
1161
01:02:24,487 --> 01:02:26,159
- Tom here:
- Hi:
1162
01:02:26,327 --> 01:02:28,363
- Eleanor, is that you?
- Yes:
1163
01:02:28,447 --> 01:02:30,358
How do you turn the music down?
1164
01:02:30,607 --> 01:02:32,404
We"re having
a little post-Thanksgiving outing:
1165
01:02:32,487 --> 01:02:33,806
Can I pick you up?
1166
01:02:34,287 --> 01:02:35,402
An outing?
1167
01:02:35,967 --> 01:02:38,242
No, I had something I had to tell you:
1168
01:02:38,367 --> 01:02:40,278
Good, good: Give me an address:
1169
01:02:41,287 --> 01:02:42,925
(COBRA STYLE BLARING ON CAR STEREO)
1170
01:02:55,807 --> 01:02:58,367
Eleanor! We"re going paintballing:
1171
01:02:58,687 --> 01:03:00,325
I brought you some
camouflage and thermals
1172
01:03:00,407 --> 01:03:02,477
because it"s gonna be cold up there:
1173
01:03:02,567 --> 01:03:03,682
Follow me, men:
1174
01:03:03,767 --> 01:03:05,678
- What?
- Cold:
1175
01:03:16,527 --> 01:03:17,516
(YELLS)
1176
01:03:20,607 --> 01:03:21,596
(EXCLAIMS)
1177
01:03:24,287 --> 01:03:26,403
Damn, I can"t believe it:
1178
01:03:27,607 --> 01:03:30,075
Oh, God: Oh, God! Oh, God:
1179
01:03:30,887 --> 01:03:32,286
You all right?
1180
01:03:46,607 --> 01:03:48,962
- L"m out:
- Well, thank God:
1181
01:03:50,567 --> 01:03:51,920
L"m out of ammo!
1182
01:03:56,647 --> 01:04:00,720
The President-elect"s just been shot:
He"s dead: Let"s go round them up:
1183
01:04:01,327 --> 01:04:04,797
What a pleasant way to spend the day, huh?
Killing your friends:
1184
01:04:05,447 --> 01:04:07,881
That"s all the exercise l"m ever gonna need:
1185
01:04:09,127 --> 01:04:11,197
- Did that hurt?
- Yeah:
1186
01:04:11,367 --> 01:04:13,198
- Yeah:
- L"m sorry:
1187
01:04:15,207 --> 01:04:19,280
Hey, Tom, can I talk to you for a minute?
1188
01:04:19,367 --> 01:04:20,482
Sure:
1189
01:04:21,887 --> 01:04:24,799
We have to walk away
from those with listening devices:
1190
01:04:27,207 --> 01:04:28,242
Do they have listening devices?
1191
01:04:28,327 --> 01:04:31,683
No, they can"t hear you:
Well, they hear each other, but not us:
1192
01:04:32,007 --> 01:04:33,520
Okay: Yeah:
1193
01:04:35,887 --> 01:04:37,605
Because I haven"t been: : :
1194
01:04:43,167 --> 01:04:47,604
I haven"t been forthright with you
about certain things: Maybe forthright: : :
1195
01:04:48,287 --> 01:04:50,881
God: Forthright isn"t
1196
01:04:51,487 --> 01:04:53,125
the word l"m looking for:
1197
01:04:54,127 --> 01:04:58,200
Maybe I haven"t disclosed enough
and that really isn"t easy for me especially,
1198
01:04:58,447 --> 01:05:00,324
now that I know you on, I mean, not: : :
1199
01:05:00,407 --> 01:05:03,046
Okay, I don"t know you:
I mean, I know you: : :
1200
01:05:03,127 --> 01:05:05,163
No, I know you because
you"re Tom Dobbs: I know you,
1201
01:05:05,247 --> 01:05:06,885
but I don"t really know you and: : :
1202
01:05:06,967 --> 01:05:09,800
Well, you know, you got a lot of setup here:
All right, you don"t need that much:
1203
01:05:09,887 --> 01:05:12,959
You know, it"s too much of a lead-in,
just the punch line:
1204
01:05:14,247 --> 01:05:16,078
You"re going to be
President of the United States:
1205
01:05:16,167 --> 01:05:17,156
Yeah:
1206
01:05:22,447 --> 01:05:24,483
- Maybe that"s not so bad:
- I hope:
1207
01:05:24,567 --> 01:05:25,556
Yeah:
1208
01:05:27,367 --> 01:05:30,404
Oh, God: I worked at Delacroy:
And I worked so hard:
1209
01:05:30,487 --> 01:05:32,557
- Yeah:
- And I cared: I cared so much:
1210
01:05:32,647 --> 01:05:36,083
- And I am so full of guilt:
- I can make this a lot easier for you:
1211
01:05:36,807 --> 01:05:38,399
What do you mean? How?
1212
01:05:38,487 --> 01:05:40,603
Well, I called Hemming at Delacroy:
1213
01:05:40,767 --> 01:05:41,836
- What?
- Yeah:
1214
01:05:41,927 --> 01:05:43,997
Well, you know, I wanted to find you,
and I remember
1215
01:05:44,087 --> 01:05:47,557
you said you worked at Delacroy,
and I wanted to see you:
1216
01:05:50,287 --> 01:05:51,402
You did?
1217
01:05:53,727 --> 01:05:55,479
- You wanted to see me?
- Yeah:
1218
01:05:57,607 --> 01:05:58,596
Wow:
1219
01:06:01,847 --> 01:06:03,360
God: That"s good:
1220
01:06:03,447 --> 01:06:05,597
- Yeah, good, not so good, you know?
- No, it"s good:
1221
01:06:05,687 --> 01:06:08,485
Well, he told me about
your drug problem, and: : : Yeah:
1222
01:06:09,687 --> 01:06:10,722
- Oh, no:
- No:
1223
01:06:10,807 --> 01:06:13,367
- No, no, no: I don"t have a drug problem:
- Whatever: lt"s all right:
1224
01:06:13,447 --> 01:06:15,642
- Tom, I do not have a drug problem:
- It"s okay: It doesn"t bother me:
1225
01:06:15,727 --> 01:06:17,046
Hey Tom, I hate to interrupt,
1226
01:06:17,127 --> 01:06:19,436
but the Secret Service
wants you out of here by dark:
1227
01:06:20,607 --> 01:06:24,805
By the way, drug dealers have
this place booked until dawn:
1228
01:06:25,927 --> 01:06:28,316
I didn"t tell him: He"s just making a joke:
1229
01:06:28,567 --> 01:06:31,127
We"ll talk about it later: Honestly: lt"s okay:
1230
01:06:31,207 --> 01:06:32,322
There is no drug problem:
1231
01:06:32,407 --> 01:06:34,398
That"s all I need to know:
I don"t think you have it: : :
1232
01:06:34,487 --> 01:06:37,285
- There"s a lot to discuss here:
- Yeah, I think, well, whatever: : :
1233
01:06:39,327 --> 01:06:41,363
I don"t know:
That just doesn"t look clear to me:
1234
01:06:41,447 --> 01:06:42,675
What do you think?
Like, another 30 minutes?
1235
01:06:42,767 --> 01:06:43,961
Yeah, maybe:
1236
01:06:44,047 --> 01:06:46,880
- The wing is still: : :
- Whoa, whoa, wait a minute:
1237
01:06:47,087 --> 01:06:48,805
We may have a problem here:
1238
01:06:48,887 --> 01:06:52,766
I like it crispy: I like a nice, crunchy skin:
1239
01:06:52,847 --> 01:06:54,075
I know, Menken, I know you do:
1240
01:06:54,167 --> 01:06:56,283
- Just want to make myself heard:
- You"ve been heard:
1241
01:06:56,367 --> 01:06:58,597
L"m a producer:
L"ve produced a lot of turkeys:
1242
01:06:58,687 --> 01:07:00,643
- I know what l"m talking about:
- Yes, you have:
1243
01:07:00,727 --> 01:07:04,766
Look at this old C-SPAN:
Congress is in session and no one"s there:
1244
01:07:05,247 --> 01:07:07,761
Look, Harkin"s speaking about
an amendment to a budget bill:
1245
01:07:07,847 --> 01:07:10,884
The place is empty: How do you get
people in their seats? That"s crazy:
1246
01:07:10,967 --> 01:07:12,685
- These people have things to do:
- Like?
1247
01:07:12,767 --> 01:07:15,645
Like, hello, they"ve got
lobbyists to deal with:
1248
01:07:15,727 --> 01:07:17,604
They"ve got trips
that the lobbyists have sent them on:
1249
01:07:17,687 --> 01:07:19,678
- Oh, right:
- They"ve got to go do TV shows
1250
01:07:19,767 --> 01:07:23,316
to explain to people what
they"re not doing while they"re not there:
1251
01:07:25,527 --> 01:07:27,199
This makes golf look like porn:
1252
01:07:34,247 --> 01:07:36,203
Shouldn"t you be giving that up?
1253
01:07:38,367 --> 01:07:40,801
Did you know there were once ads
1254
01:07:41,287 --> 01:07:44,643
that said four out of five doctors
recommend this brand or that brand?
1255
01:07:44,727 --> 01:07:46,445
Come on, you"re kidding me:
1256
01:07:46,887 --> 01:07:48,843
Doctors used to recommend cigarettes?
1257
01:07:48,927 --> 01:07:50,679
Said they were good for you:
1258
01:07:50,967 --> 01:07:55,836
There was one slogan, before my time,
"Not a cough in the carload:"
1259
01:07:57,487 --> 01:07:59,318
Lt"s a little too late now:
1260
01:08:00,687 --> 01:08:02,166
L"m sorry:
1261
01:08:05,287 --> 01:08:07,005
(DOBBS WHISTLES QUIETLY)
1262
01:08:14,727 --> 01:08:16,638
You like our Tom Dobbs, do you?
1263
01:08:19,127 --> 01:08:20,685
Unfortunately, I do:
1264
01:08:21,007 --> 01:08:22,486
I see that:
1265
01:09:04,687 --> 01:09:06,200
I have to talk to you in private:
1266
01:09:06,287 --> 01:09:07,925
- Now?
- Yeah:
1267
01:09:08,167 --> 01:09:09,156
Okay:
1268
01:09:25,647 --> 01:09:26,636
Thanks:
1269
01:09:32,487 --> 01:09:34,125
You"ve got a great group:
1270
01:09:34,847 --> 01:09:39,079
- Ellie, whatever your problem is: : :
- What? You can fix my problem?
1271
01:09:39,607 --> 01:09:44,806
Is this the President-elect speaking
or just Tom Dobbs, the comedian?
1272
01:09:45,207 --> 01:09:46,765
- Just Tom Dobbs:
- Good:
1273
01:09:47,487 --> 01:09:50,285
Because Tom Dobbs is not
the elected President of the United States:
1274
01:09:50,367 --> 01:09:52,198
There, l"ve said it: Kill me:
1275
01:10:00,727 --> 01:10:01,762
Lt"s true:
1276
01:10:03,447 --> 01:10:08,237
There was a problem with the computer
voting system: I tried to warn them:
1277
01:10:08,327 --> 01:10:11,842
And it"s that error that"s made you
the next President of the United States:
1278
01:10:11,927 --> 01:10:14,236
- I didn"t win?
- Not even close:
1279
01:10:14,327 --> 01:10:16,363
Why are you telling me this?
What do you want me to do?
1280
01:10:16,447 --> 01:10:18,244
I don"t know: I just: : : I had to say it:
1281
01:10:18,327 --> 01:10:20,283
L"ve been living with this:
And I just had to tell you:
1282
01:10:20,367 --> 01:10:21,800
You want to go public with this?
1283
01:10:21,887 --> 01:10:24,162
Well, I can"t: I mean, I could, but I mean,
nobody would believe me:
1284
01:10:24,247 --> 01:10:25,362
I mean, not anymore:
1285
01:10:25,447 --> 01:10:28,678
I mean, but somebody has to know:
Somebody, at least you:
1286
01:10:28,887 --> 01:10:31,117
I mean, I don"t know:
You know: : : Look, I don"t know:
1287
01:10:31,207 --> 01:10:34,677
Maybe it is best that you"re the next
President of the United States,
1288
01:10:34,767 --> 01:10:37,327
even if they didn"t vote for you:
I don"t know:
1289
01:10:38,727 --> 01:10:40,046
Out of curiosity,
1290
01:10:41,767 --> 01:10:42,882
did you vote for me?
1291
01:10:42,967 --> 01:10:44,844
No: I don"t vote:
1292
01:10:44,967 --> 01:10:46,719
I mean, to be honest with you, I don"t vote:
1293
01:10:46,807 --> 01:10:48,923
I mean, politicians will say anything
in the world to get elected:
1294
01:10:49,007 --> 01:10:50,235
I mean, maybe l"m just too jaded:
1295
01:10:50,327 --> 01:10:53,080
I mean, honestly,
I didn"t even think you had a chance:
1296
01:10:53,487 --> 01:10:57,116
I know it"s ironic l"m talking like
l"m concerned: I don"t even vote:
1297
01:10:58,047 --> 01:11:01,596
L"ve got to talk this over with Menken:
Come on, I want you with me: Come on:
1298
01:11:01,687 --> 01:11:02,722
- No, I can"t:
- Why not?
1299
01:11:02,807 --> 01:11:03,842
- I can"t:
- Come on:
1300
01:11:03,927 --> 01:11:05,326
- Tom, I can"t:
- Why?
1301
01:11:06,407 --> 01:11:09,046
I had to tell you:
You do with it what you want:
1302
01:11:15,287 --> 01:11:17,084
Happy Thanksgiving:
1303
01:11:21,647 --> 01:11:23,080
Happy Thanksgiving:
1304
01:11:39,487 --> 01:11:40,920
MENKEN: Something wrong?
1305
01:11:44,047 --> 01:11:45,765
You guys have a fight?
1306
01:11:47,647 --> 01:11:51,799
She knows a lot about computers,
more than you ever want to know, really:
1307
01:11:51,887 --> 01:11:53,400
Should I be impressed?
1308
01:11:55,887 --> 01:11:58,481
Lt"s kind of improbable,
me winning the election:
1309
01:11:58,567 --> 01:12:02,719
Mark Twain once wrote, "The only
difference between reality and fiction
1310
01:12:02,807 --> 01:12:05,037
"is that fiction needs to be credible:"
1311
01:12:05,727 --> 01:12:08,241
We are, my friend, in uncharted waters:
1312
01:12:09,087 --> 01:12:12,124
- She just told me I didn"t win the election:
- Whoops:
1313
01:12:12,447 --> 01:12:13,880
Computer malfunction:
1314
01:12:15,007 --> 01:12:16,963
She knows this for sure?
1315
01:12:17,127 --> 01:12:18,116
Yeah:
1316
01:12:19,327 --> 01:12:23,002
She tried to warn the Delacroy Company
and they hid it: A little bad for business:
1317
01:12:23,087 --> 01:12:25,237
- You don"t believe her, do you?
- I do:
1318
01:12:25,407 --> 01:12:26,681
Lt"s true:
1319
01:12:27,687 --> 01:12:30,884
I always thought the TV Nielsen ratings
were full of shit, but this?
1320
01:12:30,967 --> 01:12:33,117
Hard to believe all those years
that many people watched JAG:
1321
01:12:33,207 --> 01:12:36,677
I never met anybody who"d say,
"Hey, did you see JAG last night?"
1322
01:12:36,767 --> 01:12:39,361
Don"t believe her so quickly, Tom:
1323
01:12:39,447 --> 01:12:41,517
She knows what she"s talking about:
1324
01:12:41,607 --> 01:12:43,006
That"s debatable:
1325
01:12:43,367 --> 01:12:46,040
So what"s she gonna do?
1326
01:12:47,087 --> 01:12:49,078
Nothing: She left it up to me:
1327
01:12:49,407 --> 01:12:52,558
Leaving it to you:
Well, Delacroy is not gonna say anything:
1328
01:12:52,647 --> 01:12:54,683
She"s not gonna say anything: So,
1329
01:12:56,167 --> 01:12:58,283
- there"s no problem:
- No problem?
1330
01:12:59,127 --> 01:13:01,402
- We move on:
- Oh, like nothing happened?
1331
01:13:01,607 --> 01:13:02,756
Something like that:
1332
01:13:02,847 --> 01:13:06,157
You know, if you tell a joke and it stinks
but you put a laugh track over it,
1333
01:13:06,247 --> 01:13:07,839
the joke still stinks:
1334
01:13:08,967 --> 01:13:10,923
L"m President, but not really:
1335
01:13:11,367 --> 01:13:12,925
This is where we are:
1336
01:13:13,007 --> 01:13:15,885
You want to throw it away or go for it?
1337
01:13:16,727 --> 01:13:19,480
I never told you which gigs to take:
I only advised,
1338
01:13:19,567 --> 01:13:24,038
but to me, this decision is a slam dunk:
1339
01:13:25,767 --> 01:13:26,756
Yeah:
1340
01:13:36,127 --> 01:13:37,719
(PHONE RINGING)
1341
01:13:41,567 --> 01:13:42,556
ELEANOR: Tom?
1342
01:13:42,647 --> 01:13:46,435
Eleanor, tomorrow at 11:00
l"m going to have a press conference,
1343
01:13:46,527 --> 01:13:48,085
and tell the American people
1344
01:13:48,167 --> 01:13:51,284
that l"m not the legitimate
President of the United States:
1345
01:13:52,287 --> 01:13:53,845
L"m so sorry:
1346
01:13:54,607 --> 01:13:56,484
L"ll call you tomorrow, okay?
1347
01:14:12,487 --> 01:14:14,717
Danny, I told him:
1348
01:14:14,807 --> 01:14:16,240
Why did you tell him?
1349
01:14:16,327 --> 01:14:19,797
God, I had to, and now I hate myself:
1350
01:14:20,127 --> 01:14:21,719
DANNY: Does he believe you?
1351
01:14:21,807 --> 01:14:24,560
ELEANOR: He"s calling a press conference
tomorrow: At 11:00 tomorrow morning,
1352
01:14:24,647 --> 01:14:28,003
- he"s going to make the whole thing known:
- Oh, shit: Look what you did:
1353
01:14:28,087 --> 01:14:30,203
I wish I hadn"t told him:
1354
01:14:30,327 --> 01:14:33,399
I mean, I know I did the right thing:
I know I did the right thing:
1355
01:14:33,487 --> 01:14:36,923
It was the right thing to do:
And yet: : : And yet,
1356
01:14:37,007 --> 01:14:41,364
maybe l"ve done the wrong thing,
and how can that possibly be?
1357
01:14:42,687 --> 01:14:45,042
I mean, did I do the right thing
or did I do the wrong thing?
1358
01:14:45,127 --> 01:14:48,642
I know it"s the right thing to do,
and then why do I feel like this?
1359
01:14:53,687 --> 01:14:57,316
We"ve got to pre-empt his press conference:
1360
01:15:00,687 --> 01:15:02,917
And very early tomorrow morning:
1361
01:15:07,847 --> 01:15:08,836
(DOOR OPENS)
1362
01:15:31,447 --> 01:15:32,562
All right: Yeah:
1363
01:15:35,247 --> 01:15:38,159
- Press conference set up?
- Yeah: What the hell"s going on?
1364
01:15:41,407 --> 01:15:42,396
Okay:
1365
01:15:44,247 --> 01:15:45,726
Jack! Jack!
1366
01:15:46,447 --> 01:15:49,519
Got a reporter says Delacroy is going
to make a major announcement:
1367
01:15:49,607 --> 01:15:51,484
Lt"s a big story,
something to do with Eleanor Green:
1368
01:15:52,407 --> 01:15:54,045
Well, this is what we"ve got going on today:
1369
01:15:54,127 --> 01:15:55,719
They"re called the witches of November:
1370
01:15:55,807 --> 01:15:58,446
A winter storm pushing in from
the Great Lakes: That"s going to spread in
1371
01:15:58,527 --> 01:16:00,882
one to three inches of snow
right across the DC area:
1372
01:16:00,967 --> 01:16:02,685
Now, I don"t think
there"s any more than that:
1373
01:16:02,767 --> 01:16:04,246
Not a lot of moisture here: You can see it:
1374
01:16:04,327 --> 01:16:08,115
It"s a pretty closed-up system,
and it"s going to move up quite quickly: : :
1375
01:16:08,727 --> 01:16:11,878
We interrupt this broadcast
to bring you this breaking news:
1376
01:16:13,367 --> 01:16:16,564
We have some dirty laundry
that needs to be addressed:
1377
01:16:16,647 --> 01:16:21,767
Recently, Delacroy had to dismiss
an employee, Eleanor Green,
1378
01:16:22,807 --> 01:16:25,480
who was suffering
severe psychological problems:
1379
01:16:25,807 --> 01:16:29,322
We made an effort to get her medical help
and subsequently discovered
1380
01:16:29,407 --> 01:16:33,161
that she was heavily involved in
the use of barbiturates and cocaine:
1381
01:16:33,247 --> 01:16:35,841
We would have kept this information private,
but additional facts
1382
01:16:35,927 --> 01:16:37,679
concerning Miss Green have come to light:
1383
01:16:37,767 --> 01:16:39,519
We have evidence that Miss Green
1384
01:16:39,607 --> 01:16:42,565
manipulated the prototype
of our computer voting system:
1385
01:16:42,687 --> 01:16:44,086
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
1386
01:16:44,767 --> 01:16:45,756
Tom here:
1387
01:16:45,847 --> 01:16:47,166
Turn on the television:
1388
01:16:47,247 --> 01:16:49,477
- What channel?
- Any channel:
1389
01:16:52,927 --> 01:16:55,885
STEWART: Her motives
aren"t quite clear to us,
1390
01:16:55,967 --> 01:16:59,198
apart from the fact that she seemed
obsessed with Tom Dobbs,
1391
01:16:59,687 --> 01:17:01,245
to the degree that
she actually tried to corrupt
1392
01:17:01,327 --> 01:17:03,602
the computer system to get him elected:
1393
01:17:06,647 --> 01:17:10,276
We also know that the President-elect
has been seen in her presence recently:
1394
01:17:10,367 --> 01:17:13,439
We"d like to make this very clear: We"re not
suggesting that there was any impropriety
1395
01:17:13,527 --> 01:17:14,880
on behalf of the President-elect,
1396
01:17:14,967 --> 01:17:16,446
other than the fact
that he knows this woman:
1397
01:17:16,527 --> 01:17:17,562
Pull over:
1398
01:17:17,647 --> 01:17:19,478
We"re a family at Delacroy:
1399
01:17:19,567 --> 01:17:22,365
We have an extensive health care programme
1400
01:17:22,447 --> 01:17:25,564
and lots of people
have psychological problems,
1401
01:17:25,647 --> 01:17:27,763
mental problems,
health problems of one kind or another:
1402
01:17:27,847 --> 01:17:30,645
It"s not something you should sweep
under the rug: You gotta talk about it:
1403
01:17:30,727 --> 01:17:33,958
We believe that strongly,
and we make our best effort to
1404
01:17:34,047 --> 01:17:36,720
find out about it as soon as possible
and to give help:
1405
01:17:36,807 --> 01:17:39,560
The good news is
all the computer voting systems installed
1406
01:17:39,647 --> 01:17:42,445
at the polling stations throughout
the United States remain secure:
1407
01:17:42,527 --> 01:17:45,121
Therefore, there were no irregularities
in the election,
1408
01:17:45,207 --> 01:17:48,643
and our safeguards
proved to be impenetrable:
1409
01:17:48,727 --> 01:17:50,797
And that"s all the information
that we have at this time:
1410
01:17:50,887 --> 01:17:53,640
L"II take any questions now
if you got them: Yes?
1411
01:17:54,327 --> 01:17:58,240
Take a look at this: Take a look at this:
Perfect, just perfect:
1412
01:17:58,407 --> 01:18:00,238
She"s a piece of work, huh?
1413
01:18:00,327 --> 01:18:03,285
Flipped out in the company cafeteria,
on all sorts of drugs,
1414
01:18:03,367 --> 01:18:08,236
clearly a mental case, hospital said
she had more pills in her than a pharmacy:
1415
01:18:08,327 --> 01:18:09,521
I believe her:
1416
01:18:11,367 --> 01:18:13,597
- She didn"t seem that crazy to me:
- You"re in love with her:
1417
01:18:13,687 --> 01:18:16,281
She could tell you Gandhi
ate hot dogs and you"d believe her:
1418
01:18:16,367 --> 01:18:18,358
Take a look at this: Take a look:
1419
01:18:19,247 --> 01:18:22,284
If what she says is true,
l"m really not the President-elect:
1420
01:18:22,367 --> 01:18:24,881
"lf" is becoming a very large word:
1421
01:18:24,967 --> 01:18:28,721
Did you forget? The first time we met her
she said she was working for the FBl:
1422
01:18:28,807 --> 01:18:32,641
She said she knew about the computer
fraud, but takes three weeks to tell you?
1423
01:18:32,727 --> 01:18:35,195
Oh, by the way, you"re not
the President and Happy Thanksgiving:
1424
01:18:35,287 --> 01:18:37,243
If she"s not psychotic, she"s a stalker:
1425
01:18:37,327 --> 01:18:39,477
And if she"s not a stalker,
she"s a CIA operative:
1426
01:18:39,567 --> 01:18:42,320
- Or maybe, just maybe, she"s a succubus:
- What"s that?
1427
01:18:42,407 --> 01:18:46,195
A succubus is some sort of a demon
that sucks the life out of healthy men:
1428
01:18:46,487 --> 01:18:48,284
I was once a healthy man:
1429
01:18:48,367 --> 01:18:50,722
What are you talking about? Please, stop:
1430
01:18:51,927 --> 01:18:53,440
Don"t get off track:
1431
01:19:19,247 --> 01:19:22,956
Can I get change for this, please?
My dollar won"t work in your machine:
1432
01:19:23,047 --> 01:19:25,481
You"re that Miss Green from the television:
1433
01:19:26,167 --> 01:19:28,806
I wasn"t sure, "cause you always pay cash:
1434
01:19:30,247 --> 01:19:32,442
- Did your uncle get ahold of you?
- What?
1435
01:19:32,527 --> 01:19:36,202
Your uncle: He was trying to call your room:
He said he couldn"t get through:
1436
01:19:36,727 --> 01:19:39,400
By the way, that machine doesn"t work:
1437
01:20:12,007 --> 01:20:13,042
Yes, sir:
1438
01:20:13,967 --> 01:20:16,401
Yes, sir: l"m in her hotel now:
1439
01:20:18,687 --> 01:20:20,120
I think she may have figured out the glitch:
1440
01:20:32,247 --> 01:20:35,239
Bring it back: Bring her back:
I want constant updates:
1441
01:20:35,327 --> 01:20:37,841
Yes, sir: When I find her, I know what to do:
1442
01:20:40,047 --> 01:20:42,481
Boy, if she"s figured out
this computer glitch,
1443
01:20:42,567 --> 01:20:45,525
and goes with that to the press,
we"re royally screwed:
1444
01:20:47,927 --> 01:20:50,157
Mr President,
you have that luncheon speech,
1445
01:20:50,247 --> 01:20:52,602
followed by a White House meet and greet:
1446
01:20:53,687 --> 01:20:56,326
- What do I do?
- Go be presidential:
1447
01:20:57,887 --> 01:21:00,321
(SIRENS BLARING)
1448
01:21:10,487 --> 01:21:11,522
CLAMOURING)
1449
01:21:11,607 --> 01:21:15,759
REPORTER: Will your speech today give us
any insight into the Eleanor Green situation?
1450
01:21:17,967 --> 01:21:20,606
Jack, l"ve been trying to call her,
but I can"t reach her:
1451
01:21:20,687 --> 01:21:23,076
You have a busy schedule, keep: : :
1452
01:21:23,167 --> 01:21:24,725
Oh, that"s terrific:
1453
01:21:24,807 --> 01:21:27,241
Saturday Night Live wants you on
"Weekend Update:" What do you think?
1454
01:21:27,327 --> 01:21:29,477
- Did I hear Saturday Night Live?
- Yeah:
1455
01:21:29,567 --> 01:21:30,682
- Do it:
- Why?
1456
01:21:30,767 --> 01:21:32,120
Because it"s a great opportunity:
1457
01:21:32,207 --> 01:21:33,606
You talk about how
you were blinded by love:
1458
01:21:33,687 --> 01:21:35,837
You didn"t know
she was secretly popping pills:
1459
01:21:35,927 --> 01:21:39,920
It isn"t like you were on some side street
getting head, like Hugh what"s- his-name:
1460
01:21:40,007 --> 01:21:41,520
You"re so sensitive:
1461
01:21:41,607 --> 01:21:43,598
Okay, l"ll do it:
1462
01:21:43,687 --> 01:21:46,724
Yep, he"ll do it: l"ll call you later for details:
1463
01:21:47,527 --> 01:21:49,836
It"s hard to believe it"s been a year
since we"ve gathered together,
1464
01:21:49,927 --> 01:21:54,239
but nonetheless, we are very pleased
to have a most honoured guest with us:
1465
01:21:54,327 --> 01:21:57,842
I wrote down some lines for you:
They"re fantastic, if I must say so:
1466
01:21:57,927 --> 01:21:59,440
I even threw in an old Hitler joke:
1467
01:21:59,527 --> 01:22:01,961
- How"s that supposed to work?
- Oh, you"ll see:
1468
01:22:02,047 --> 01:22:04,163
Tom Dobbs:
1469
01:22:04,847 --> 01:22:06,326
Knock "em dead:
1470
01:22:15,407 --> 01:22:16,840
Thank you very much:
1471
01:22:17,927 --> 01:22:21,124
I guess we should get this over with
at the beginning
1472
01:22:21,207 --> 01:22:24,961
because you"ve all heard there"s a little bit
of a rumour going around right now:
1473
01:22:26,167 --> 01:22:29,796
So l"II share the big scoop with you
because Oprah was booked:
1474
01:22:31,487 --> 01:22:33,762
L"m not even
President of the United States yet,
1475
01:22:33,847 --> 01:22:36,725
and I am involved
in a scandal with a woman:
1476
01:22:39,087 --> 01:22:41,157
I did not have sex with that woman:
1477
01:22:42,207 --> 01:22:45,517
I wanted to: L"m single:
1478
01:22:46,807 --> 01:22:50,356
And you"ve elected a man as President
who is probably
1479
01:22:50,887 --> 01:22:53,401
the unluckiest man in the world in that area:
1480
01:22:53,887 --> 01:22:57,197
In high school,
most of my dates were with myself:
1481
01:22:59,007 --> 01:23:01,521
I would take myself out for dinner,
bring myself home,
1482
01:23:01,607 --> 01:23:03,245
put on music that I liked,
1483
01:23:04,407 --> 01:23:06,602
have my way with myself, and then go,
1484
01:23:07,527 --> 01:23:09,518
"Should I drive myself home now?"
1485
01:23:11,927 --> 01:23:14,760
Pretty much the bottom line:
I guess if I was in Italy, I might get lucky:
1486
01:23:14,847 --> 01:23:17,919
I mean, they elected an Italian
porn star to their Senate,
1487
01:23:18,607 --> 01:23:22,202
which is wonderful: There"s no sex scandal
there, just great posters,
1488
01:23:22,687 --> 01:23:24,086
and incredible downloads:
1489
01:23:25,767 --> 01:23:28,361
I think that"s the bottom line:
In a democracy,
1490
01:23:28,607 --> 01:23:31,440
we can have a certain sense
of humour about ourselves: We have to:
1491
01:23:31,527 --> 01:23:33,961
You"re allowed to make fun
of those in power:
1492
01:23:34,327 --> 01:23:36,636
But even in the face of tyranny,
there is comedy:
1493
01:23:36,727 --> 01:23:38,718
These two old Jews were sent to kill Hitler:
1494
01:23:38,807 --> 01:23:41,560
They waited in an alleyway:
They were supposed to kill Hitler at 12:30:
1495
01:23:41,647 --> 01:23:43,763
They"re there with guns, bombs, knives:
1496
01:23:43,847 --> 01:23:45,439
12:30, no Hitler:
1497
01:23:45,847 --> 01:23:47,758
12:45, no Hitler:
1498
01:23:48,127 --> 01:23:49,958
1:00, no Hitler:
1499
01:23:50,647 --> 01:23:54,925
Finally, one turns to the other and goes,
"My God, I hope nothing happened to him:"
1500
01:23:55,007 --> 01:23:56,201
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
1501
01:23:56,887 --> 01:23:59,765
It"s good to see us back again:
The fact that we can laugh is wonderful:
1502
01:23:59,847 --> 01:24:01,803
The last few years,
we"ve been divided, though:
1503
01:24:01,887 --> 01:24:03,923
Red states, blue states:
1504
01:24:04,207 --> 01:24:07,404
There are no red states and blue states:
There"s only the United States of America:
1505
01:24:07,487 --> 01:24:09,079
That"s what we"re about:
1506
01:24:09,367 --> 01:24:12,996
That"s why I say you can"t spend
$200 million on a campaign,
1507
01:24:13,087 --> 01:24:14,679
and not be owing people something:
1508
01:24:14,767 --> 01:24:17,201
And the next thing you know,
they have to deal with the special interests:
1509
01:24:17,287 --> 01:24:20,199
And next thing you know, they"re doing
special favours for special people,
1510
01:24:20,287 --> 01:24:22,323
and not dealing with what you need:
1511
01:24:22,487 --> 01:24:25,160
Education, health care,
environmental issues:
1512
01:24:25,887 --> 01:24:29,516
They have to deal with oil companies,
chemical companies, drug companies:
1513
01:24:30,167 --> 01:24:34,718
And they owe them:
And in the process, people get neglected:
1514
01:24:34,807 --> 01:24:38,516
The poor have no advocate
because the poor can"t afford a lobbyist:
1515
01:24:39,607 --> 01:24:42,360
The Statue of Liberty says,
"Give me your tired, your poor,"
1516
01:24:42,447 --> 01:24:44,563
not, "Your wealthy, your gifted,
and your endowed: "
1517
01:24:48,447 --> 01:24:51,280
I worked out your bit with SNL:
They really liked it:
1518
01:24:51,447 --> 01:24:53,756
- Has Eleanor called the headquarters yet?
- No:
1519
01:24:53,847 --> 01:24:57,044
- She hasn"t called me, either:
- Well, you never know with females:
1520
01:24:57,127 --> 01:24:59,243
I had an ex
who used to do enough tranquilisers
1521
01:24:59,327 --> 01:25:01,443
- to put a small flock of sheep to sleep:
- Why?
1522
01:25:01,527 --> 01:25:04,599
Well, mostly, she said
it made the sex with me more bearable:
1523
01:25:04,687 --> 01:25:06,678
- Eleanor didn"t do drugs:
- Oh, no:
1524
01:25:06,807 --> 01:25:10,322
And ballplayers don"t do steroids: They just
wake up one day looking like Mack trucks:
1525
01:25:10,407 --> 01:25:11,920
Pump a little iron, you look like a Humvee:
1526
01:25:12,007 --> 01:25:13,201
With little tiny balls:
1527
01:25:13,287 --> 01:25:16,085
MAN: Now remember, this is a meet and greet
and nothing more:
1528
01:25:16,167 --> 01:25:18,601
DOBBS: I know:
The house is so close to the street:
1529
01:25:20,567 --> 01:25:22,842
Whoa, boy, that"s a desk:
1530
01:25:23,927 --> 01:25:28,318
I mean, l"ve never really sat behind
a desk before:
1531
01:25:28,407 --> 01:25:31,319
I mean, the one on the show is just a prop:
But this: : :
1532
01:25:31,447 --> 01:25:32,641
Where do you do your writing?
1533
01:25:32,727 --> 01:25:36,117
Usually on the back of a napkin,
sitting in a bar or a restaurant:
1534
01:25:37,567 --> 01:25:39,762
Well, there"s a lot of history to this desk:
1535
01:25:39,847 --> 01:25:43,601
I remember the first time I sat behind it,
I had a sort of nervous chill:
1536
01:25:43,807 --> 01:25:46,526
Some of the greats
and not-so-greats have sat here:
1537
01:25:47,327 --> 01:25:50,285
- Please:
- Thank you:
1538
01:25:56,887 --> 01:25:57,876
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
1539
01:25:58,367 --> 01:26:00,119
Excuse me, Mr President:
1540
01:26:00,287 --> 01:26:02,403
- Hello?
- ELEANOR: Tom? Tom?
1541
01:26:02,487 --> 01:26:04,159
Eleanor, hold on:
1542
01:26:04,327 --> 01:26:07,205
Mr President, l"ll just be a minute:
Thank you:
1543
01:26:08,247 --> 01:26:11,444
Tom, two guys broke into my hotel room:
I don"t know what to do:
1544
01:26:11,527 --> 01:26:12,516
Who? Who are they?
1545
01:26:12,607 --> 01:26:16,077
They"re connected with Delacroy:
I think they know I broke the code:
1546
01:26:16,167 --> 01:26:17,361
Code? What code?
1547
01:26:17,447 --> 01:26:19,005
I figured out what caused
the computer glitch:
1548
01:26:19,087 --> 01:26:20,202
Where are you now?
1549
01:26:20,287 --> 01:26:22,676
- L"m in a shopping mall:
- Shopping?
1550
01:26:22,767 --> 01:26:25,235
- No, l"m not shopping:
- Well, why are you there?
1551
01:26:25,327 --> 01:26:27,636
I just: : : I didn"t know what to do:
I thought this was safer:
1552
01:26:27,727 --> 01:26:30,844
Mr President-elect,
l"m on a bit of a tight schedule:
1553
01:26:31,447 --> 01:26:33,278
Listen, Eleanor, l"m with the President:
1554
01:26:33,367 --> 01:26:34,356
What?
1555
01:26:34,447 --> 01:26:36,722
L"m with the President of the United States
in the Oval Office:
1556
01:26:36,807 --> 01:26:40,800
You"re with the President?
You"re in the Oval Office?
1557
01:26:41,727 --> 01:26:45,606
Well, Tom, I just don"t know: : :
I don"t know what to do: l"m afraid: : : Hello?
1558
01:26:46,447 --> 01:26:48,119
Tom? Hello? Hello?
1559
01:26:48,367 --> 01:26:49,356
Hello:
1560
01:26:52,287 --> 01:26:53,356
Sorry, sir:
1561
01:27:00,447 --> 01:27:01,436
Wow:
1562
01:27:02,647 --> 01:27:04,365
Lt"s been a pleasure, Mr President:
Thank you:
1563
01:27:04,447 --> 01:27:07,803
By the way, Mr Dobbs,
I never thought you had a chance:
1564
01:27:08,567 --> 01:27:10,046
I underestimated you:
1565
01:27:10,887 --> 01:27:12,764
Well, just between you and me,
Mr President,
1566
01:27:12,847 --> 01:27:14,883
you didn"t underestimate me at all:
1567
01:27:22,927 --> 01:27:24,758
Really? Why?
1568
01:27:25,007 --> 01:27:28,044
Oh, but that"s so weird:
I never said anything to him:
1569
01:27:28,127 --> 01:27:31,483
No, he said stuff to me:
Oh, like, what am I gonna say back?
1570
01:27:31,567 --> 01:27:33,364
But: : : Hold on a sec:
1571
01:27:33,887 --> 01:27:37,721
Hi: Sorry to interrupt:
I need a charger for this cell phone,
1572
01:27:37,807 --> 01:27:39,479
something I can plug
into my cigarette lighter:
1573
01:27:39,567 --> 01:27:42,957
We don"t stock the charger for that anymore:
How long have you had that phone?
1574
01:27:43,047 --> 01:27:46,517
Well, it"s not like it"s a relic: lt"s a year old:
1575
01:27:46,607 --> 01:27:48,677
Well, there is a problem: lt"s a year old:
1576
01:27:55,527 --> 01:27:58,041
Mr Stewart would like
to see you at Delacroy:
1577
01:27:58,567 --> 01:27:59,682
Why does he want to see me?
1578
01:27:59,767 --> 01:28:01,644
He just wants to sit down and talk to you:
1579
01:28:01,727 --> 01:28:03,797
Reasonable people
can come to reasonable solutions:
1580
01:28:03,887 --> 01:28:06,401
You figured out the computer glitch
and you should be paid for your work:
1581
01:28:06,487 --> 01:28:09,081
The Delacroy jet is waiting
at the private air terminal:
1582
01:28:09,167 --> 01:28:10,202
I got her:
1583
01:28:19,967 --> 01:28:21,002
Get in:
1584
01:28:22,207 --> 01:28:23,276
Get in:
1585
01:28:24,607 --> 01:28:25,596
(GROANS)
1586
01:28:36,727 --> 01:28:37,716
Shit:
1587
01:28:44,007 --> 01:28:48,319
Yeah: l"m tracking her on her GPS:
1588
01:28:50,967 --> 01:28:54,755
Yes: First opportunity I get,
l"ll pick her up, bring her to the airport:
1589
01:28:59,487 --> 01:29:00,966
I just got off the phone with the FBl:
1590
01:29:01,047 --> 01:29:04,323
They"ll confirm that you had no contact
with Eleanor Green prior to the election:
1591
01:29:04,407 --> 01:29:05,476
So that gets you off the hook,
1592
01:29:05,567 --> 01:29:07,922
in terms of you being involved
in any attempt to fix the election:
1593
01:29:08,007 --> 01:29:10,077
Sir, we"ve got to get you
to the airport a little earlier:
1594
01:29:10,167 --> 01:29:11,680
There"s a storm front moving in:
1595
01:29:25,527 --> 01:29:27,882
Oh, for God"s sake:
1596
01:29:49,447 --> 01:29:54,237
Well, after Saturday Night Live tonight,
then l"m going to be heading on:
1597
01:29:54,327 --> 01:29:55,646
Why so soon?
1598
01:29:55,727 --> 01:29:59,800
Well, Menken thinks it"s for the best:
No sense postponing the inevitable:
1599
01:29:59,887 --> 01:30:01,957
Will you be disappointed to go back
to television after this ride?
1600
01:30:02,047 --> 01:30:05,244
Oh, no: I have a glorious
love-hate relationship with TV:
1601
01:30:05,327 --> 01:30:07,158
- How so?
- TV scares me:
1602
01:30:07,247 --> 01:30:08,919
It makes everything seem credible:
1603
01:30:09,007 --> 01:30:10,360
But why is that so bad?
1604
01:30:10,447 --> 01:30:13,484
Well, if everything seems credible,
then nothing seems credible:
1605
01:30:13,567 --> 01:30:17,082
You know, TV puts everybody
in those boxes side by side:
1606
01:30:17,167 --> 01:30:21,843
On one side, there"s the certifiable lunatic
who says the Holocaust never happened:
1607
01:30:21,927 --> 01:30:25,078
And next to him
is this noted, honoured historian
1608
01:30:25,167 --> 01:30:27,397
who knows all about the Holocaust:
1609
01:30:27,487 --> 01:30:31,844
And now, there they sit, side by side:
They look like equals:
1610
01:30:31,927 --> 01:30:33,883
Everything they say seems to be credible:
1611
01:30:33,967 --> 01:30:37,403
And so, as it goes on,
nothing seems credible anymore:
1612
01:30:37,487 --> 01:30:39,000
We just stop listening:
1613
01:30:39,087 --> 01:30:41,806
In the Times today, 60% of the voters
would have voted for Dobbs
1614
01:30:41,887 --> 01:30:43,240
- if they could have:
- Well, yeah:
1615
01:30:43,327 --> 01:30:46,797
He sounds different:
That"s why they can hear him:
1616
01:31:10,607 --> 01:31:12,120
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
1617
01:31:12,927 --> 01:31:13,916
Hello?
1618
01:31:14,007 --> 01:31:16,282
My cell phone died
and some guy is after me:
1619
01:31:16,367 --> 01:31:17,959
I thought two guys were after you?
1620
01:31:18,047 --> 01:31:19,639
No, this is someone else:
1621
01:31:19,727 --> 01:31:20,716
Who?
1622
01:31:20,807 --> 01:31:23,480
I assume that he"s from Delacroy:
He has a pickup truck:
1623
01:31:23,567 --> 01:31:26,320
Eleanor, I think you need help:
1624
01:31:26,407 --> 01:31:28,602
He tried to abduct me from the mall:
1625
01:31:28,687 --> 01:31:30,996
From the mall: Okay:
1626
01:31:31,087 --> 01:31:34,762
Look, I think it has to do
with the fact that I figured everything out:
1627
01:31:36,287 --> 01:31:39,165
She"s in a phone booth off Route 173:
1628
01:31:39,247 --> 01:31:42,398
You see, Mills and Kellogg
both have double "L"s,"
1629
01:31:42,487 --> 01:31:46,275
but Kellogg trumps him with double "G"s,"
and you trump him with double "B"s:"
1630
01:31:46,367 --> 01:31:50,042
I don"t know what that means, Eleanor:
Listen, where are you?
1631
01:31:50,127 --> 01:31:52,357
I don"t know: I don"t know: : :
I don"t know where I am:
1632
01:31:52,447 --> 01:31:54,403
Lt"s dark: There"s a factory:
1633
01:31:54,487 --> 01:31:56,079
I see a Christmas tree:
1634
01:31:56,167 --> 01:31:57,805
I don"t know: I don"t know where I am:
1635
01:31:57,887 --> 01:31:59,479
What do you want me to do now, sir?
1636
01:31:59,567 --> 01:32:01,558
STEWART: L"m willing to offer her big money,
big money:
1637
01:32:01,647 --> 01:32:03,638
She"s running away now?
1638
01:32:04,047 --> 01:32:07,278
Why is she running away? She"s impossible:
1639
01:32:07,367 --> 01:32:09,597
I don"t know who she"s talking to:
I don"t know what she"s saying:
1640
01:32:09,687 --> 01:32:14,363
All right: Go to the airport:
You go to BWI private terminal:
1641
01:32:14,447 --> 01:32:17,166
There"s a plane there:
We"ll get on that plane,
1642
01:32:17,247 --> 01:32:19,442
l"ll take you to New York,
and we"ll solve your problem, okay?
1643
01:32:19,527 --> 01:32:23,281
Private terminal at the airport?
I don"t know how to get to the airport:
1644
01:32:23,807 --> 01:32:27,641
All right, l"ll try: l"ll try and get there:
L"ll look in my GPS or something:
1645
01:32:31,967 --> 01:32:34,083
Hello? Eleanor?
1646
01:32:38,127 --> 01:32:39,116
We have breaking news now:
1647
01:32:39,207 --> 01:32:41,767
We do know there has been
a very serious traffic accident:
1648
01:32:41,847 --> 01:32:44,919
It is tying up traffic out on
the Baltimore-Washington Parkway,
1649
01:32:45,007 --> 01:32:48,556
just where it meets Route 495,
and that is the Capital Beltway:
1650
01:32:48,647 --> 01:32:52,560
And there has been one serious injury:
We have been talking to police:
1651
01:32:52,647 --> 01:32:56,083
They have identified the injured woman
as an Eleanor Green:
1652
01:32:56,167 --> 01:32:57,236
Oh, my God:
1653
01:32:57,327 --> 01:32:59,887
And yes, if that name sounds familiar
to you, it is the same Eleanor Green: : :
1654
01:32:59,967 --> 01:33:01,400
Menken! You have to see this!
1655
01:33:05,127 --> 01:33:08,085
Sir, we just got a report of an accident:
Lt"s Eleanor Green:
1656
01:33:24,847 --> 01:33:27,566
Not now, please: Excuse me:
1657
01:33:29,447 --> 01:33:31,324
- Are you with the ambulance?
- Yes, sir:
1658
01:33:31,407 --> 01:33:32,999
- Eleanor Green?
- She"s in stable condition:
1659
01:33:33,087 --> 01:33:34,520
Thank you:
1660
01:33:35,007 --> 01:33:35,996
Not now:
1661
01:33:39,167 --> 01:33:43,001
Oh, shit: Why does he have to get himself
into this mess?
1662
01:33:55,287 --> 01:33:57,323
Kid driving the truck is from Pittsburgh:
1663
01:33:57,407 --> 01:34:00,763
Apparently, he lost control on the ice,
went right off the road:
1664
01:34:06,807 --> 01:34:08,684
Tom, we"ve gotta get to
Saturday Night Live:
1665
01:34:08,767 --> 01:34:09,882
There"s time:
1666
01:34:20,407 --> 01:34:21,920
Double "B:"
1667
01:34:22,007 --> 01:34:26,125
Double "L," double "G," double "B:"
1668
01:34:26,207 --> 01:34:30,405
Double "L," double "G," double "B:"
1669
01:34:31,407 --> 01:34:34,558
Double "L," double "G:"
1670
01:34:37,887 --> 01:34:42,358
Double "L," double "G:"
1671
01:34:49,407 --> 01:34:51,398
DOBBS: They are trying to discredit her:
1672
01:34:51,647 --> 01:34:53,399
She"s not psychotic, okay?
1673
01:34:54,767 --> 01:34:56,485
I believe her, for Christ"s sake:
Look what they did:
1674
01:34:56,567 --> 01:34:59,877
MENKEN: Last night you were willing to
give it all up: Now you want to do it again:
1675
01:34:59,967 --> 01:35:02,527
- Listen to me:
- Police said a truck went out of control:
1676
01:35:02,607 --> 01:35:04,518
L"m trying to tell you
that she was trying to tell me something:
1677
01:35:04,607 --> 01:35:05,676
It was snowing:
1678
01:35:05,767 --> 01:35:07,837
She said she knew
what the computer glitch was:
1679
01:35:07,927 --> 01:35:10,760
And the way she is right now, it"ll be
a couple of days before we can find out:
1680
01:35:10,847 --> 01:35:13,315
Where"s the proof, some proof?
Give me something,
1681
01:35:13,407 --> 01:35:15,682
something to justify what she"s saying:
1682
01:35:15,887 --> 01:35:17,764
We don"t have time
to keep playing this game:
1683
01:35:17,847 --> 01:35:20,839
She was trying to explain it to me,
but it didn"t make any sense:
1684
01:35:20,927 --> 01:35:22,918
She kept saying, "Double "B,"
double "G," double "L:""
1685
01:35:23,007 --> 01:35:24,440
Lt"s like a code,
but I don"t know what it means:
1686
01:35:24,527 --> 01:35:26,916
Whatever the hell happened,
we"re never gonna know for sure:
1687
01:35:27,007 --> 01:35:29,726
Only one thing remains true:
You"re the President:
1688
01:35:32,807 --> 01:35:35,401
You"re either getting on that plane or not:
1689
01:35:36,007 --> 01:35:40,398
Tom, come January 20th,
the White House is yours:
1690
01:35:41,007 --> 01:35:45,797
Nothing can change that:
No one can, except you:
1691
01:35:53,967 --> 01:35:55,195
You coming?
1692
01:36:26,767 --> 01:36:29,201
ANNOUNCER: From Studio 8-H
in Rockefeller Centre,
1693
01:36:29,527 --> 01:36:33,884
it"s "Weekend Update"
with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
1694
01:36:33,967 --> 01:36:35,241
Hi, l"m Amy Poehler:
1695
01:36:35,327 --> 01:36:38,000
L"m Tina Fey:
And here are tonight"s top stories:
1696
01:36:38,247 --> 01:36:42,160
A Malaysian man, famous for pulling
planes and buses with his hair,
1697
01:36:42,247 --> 01:36:44,203
died this week of heart complications:
1698
01:36:44,287 --> 01:36:45,925
Tragically, he would still be alive,
1699
01:36:46,007 --> 01:36:48,521
but he insisted
on pulling his own ambulance:
1700
01:36:48,607 --> 01:36:49,596
(LAUGHTER)
1701
01:36:49,687 --> 01:36:53,236
A German filmmaker is planning
to make a comedy about Adolf Hitler:
1702
01:36:53,327 --> 01:36:57,366
Hey, I just went through the cue cards
and l"m telling you, you"re gonna kill:
1703
01:36:57,447 --> 01:36:59,915
You know, it"s gonna work like a charm:
Don"t worry about a thing:
1704
01:37:00,007 --> 01:37:02,726
And you do a couple of those
Eleanor Green jokes,
1705
01:37:02,807 --> 01:37:05,082
and we get this stuff
way, way behind you, all right?
1706
01:37:05,167 --> 01:37:07,635
- All right:
- You can go on and be President:
1707
01:37:08,407 --> 01:37:10,318
(LANGSTON LAUGHING)
1708
01:37:11,687 --> 01:37:15,043
Forensic scientists say they have
recreated George Washington
1709
01:37:15,127 --> 01:37:16,879
as he looked at age 19,
1710
01:37:16,967 --> 01:37:20,243
while Tom Dobbs has recreated how
Thomas Jefferson would have looked
1711
01:37:20,327 --> 01:37:21,646
if he were crazy:
1712
01:37:23,447 --> 01:37:27,486
POEHLER: University researchers
have set up a Google-backed programme
1713
01:37:27,567 --> 01:37:31,719
to track spyware, adware,
and other bad-ware back to its source:
1714
01:37:31,807 --> 01:37:35,925
And when the source is finally identified,
Tom Dobbs will sleep with it:
1715
01:37:36,047 --> 01:37:37,162
(LAUGHTER)
1716
01:37:38,167 --> 01:37:40,965
A new report suggests
that more species of birds
1717
01:37:41,047 --> 01:37:43,038
mate for life than previously believed,
1718
01:37:43,127 --> 01:37:46,164
while other species only mate for votes:
1719
01:37:47,647 --> 01:37:50,844
This week, Tom Dobbs met
with his presidential transition team
1720
01:37:50,927 --> 01:37:53,521
who briefed him on
the day-to-day activities of the Oval Office:
1721
01:37:53,607 --> 01:37:56,201
However, Dobbs became upset
when he learnt that Monday
1722
01:37:56,287 --> 01:37:57,515
would no longer be re-runs:
1723
01:37:57,607 --> 01:37:58,756
I heard that!
1724
01:37:58,847 --> 01:38:00,360
Who said that?
1725
01:38:01,047 --> 01:38:02,719
Do we have a special guest?
1726
01:38:02,807 --> 01:38:03,842
What?
1727
01:38:04,607 --> 01:38:06,438
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
1728
01:38:14,727 --> 01:38:17,082
President-elect Tom Dobbs:
1729
01:38:18,887 --> 01:38:19,876
Wow:
1730
01:38:21,687 --> 01:38:23,757
Just in the neighbourhood,
thought l"d drop by:
1731
01:38:23,847 --> 01:38:27,044
I always wanted to say that, sounds
like Bob Hope: "Thought l"d drop by:"
1732
01:38:27,127 --> 01:38:29,561
Thank you so much for coming: Sit down:
Make yourself comfortable:
1733
01:38:29,647 --> 01:38:30,796
Lovely, thank you:
1734
01:38:30,887 --> 01:38:34,163
Well: Now listen, we all saw you
in Congress in that outfit the other day:
1735
01:38:34,247 --> 01:38:35,965
That was quite flattering:
1736
01:38:36,047 --> 01:38:40,279
Those wigs, it"s kind of nice:
I love the buckled shoe, though:
1737
01:38:40,367 --> 01:38:42,642
It"s, you know, part pimp, part pilgrim:
1738
01:38:43,127 --> 01:38:46,278
You can either get off the Mayflower
or have four girls in a Cadillac:
1739
01:38:46,367 --> 01:38:48,835
- They love him: That"s nice:
- Yeah, it"s working like a charm:
1740
01:38:48,927 --> 01:38:51,600
L"m thinking, and this is just out loud,
1741
01:38:53,047 --> 01:38:56,517
that I should go with some Manolo Blanco,
just to give you that little: : :
1742
01:38:56,607 --> 01:38:58,996
- Lift your ass:
- Lift: : : Lift the ass:
1743
01:38:59,927 --> 01:39:02,646
Next time, I want to go stilettos,
something crazy:
1744
01:39:02,727 --> 01:39:03,876
NEWSCASTER: Manolo:
1745
01:39:03,967 --> 01:39:07,039
Now, l"m pleased that the FBI
cleared up any suspicion
1746
01:39:07,127 --> 01:39:09,118
that you knew Eleanor Green
before the election:
1747
01:39:09,207 --> 01:39:10,526
- Not at all: No:
- Good:
1748
01:39:10,607 --> 01:39:13,041
So, I guess that absolves you
of any kind of conspiratorial thing,
1749
01:39:13,127 --> 01:39:14,526
- that you fixed the election:
- Right:
1750
01:39:14,607 --> 01:39:17,041
So, what do you make
of this woman"s obsession with you?
1751
01:39:17,127 --> 01:39:19,595
Well, Tina, I have just one question for you:
1752
01:39:19,687 --> 01:39:22,155
Is this a face that a woman
would be obsessed with?
1753
01:39:22,247 --> 01:39:24,966
- Well: : :
- Well, by your pause, I understand:
1754
01:39:25,847 --> 01:39:30,125
Because I think, you know, a woman could
be obsessed with a movie star like Brad Pitt,
1755
01:39:30,207 --> 01:39:34,086
hello, and you could say, Angelina:
I could be obsessed with Angelina:
1756
01:39:34,167 --> 01:39:37,318
I just want to wet her lips
and just stick her to something:
1757
01:39:37,687 --> 01:39:40,759
And also you could say obsessed
with rock and roll stars, you know:
1758
01:39:40,847 --> 01:39:42,803
It"s like women rushing the stage, fainting:
1759
01:39:42,887 --> 01:39:44,445
It was for Elvis, for the Beatles,
1760
01:39:44,527 --> 01:39:47,246
for Mick Jagger, just to say,
"This is your baby:"
1761
01:39:47,607 --> 01:39:49,802
But women don"t rush
the stage for comedians:
1762
01:39:49,887 --> 01:39:51,286
I mean, they basically: : :
1763
01:39:51,367 --> 01:39:53,198
If they throw their panties
on the stage for me,
1764
01:39:53,287 --> 01:39:56,723
it"s because they want them fluffed
and folded and back by Friday:
1765
01:39:59,047 --> 01:40:02,960
I threw my underpants
at Britney Spears once, but: : :
1766
01:40:03,047 --> 01:40:05,083
"Cause I thought she needed a pair:
1767
01:40:05,967 --> 01:40:07,320
God bless:
1768
01:40:08,927 --> 01:40:12,715
I thought you were gonna say you threw
it at Paris Hilton and they stuck:
1769
01:40:13,167 --> 01:40:14,600
That"s a good re-write:
1770
01:40:14,687 --> 01:40:18,316
"Good night, good luck:" That"s from
our new book, One Night in Paris:
1771
01:40:19,447 --> 01:40:21,722
But I mean, for me, I have to think,
here"s the basic thing:
1772
01:40:21,807 --> 01:40:25,277
I mean, how plausible is it
that a woman would fix an election
1773
01:40:25,367 --> 01:40:28,484
because she"s obsessed with me?
I mean, where"s the hanging chad?
1774
01:40:28,567 --> 01:40:30,444
Where"s the governor of the state
being your brother?
1775
01:40:30,527 --> 01:40:33,360
Where"s the Supreme Court ruling
against the voter? Come on:
1776
01:40:33,447 --> 01:40:35,722
Where"s the conspiracy in that?
None, really:
1777
01:40:35,807 --> 01:40:37,718
And here"s the real question
you"re asked to ask:
1778
01:40:37,807 --> 01:40:41,004
Lt"s like, if that"s not why,
what is the real answer?
1779
01:40:46,167 --> 01:40:48,601
What is the real answer?
1780
01:40:48,687 --> 01:40:50,245
Thank you for picking that one up:
1781
01:40:50,327 --> 01:40:52,045
Where"s he going with this?
1782
01:40:53,007 --> 01:40:56,716
The bottom line is Eleanor Green
came to me and told me
1783
01:40:56,887 --> 01:41:00,880
that there was a computer glitch
in the Delacroy computer voting systems:
1784
01:41:01,487 --> 01:41:04,684
She warned the chief executive of Delacroy,
James Hemmings,
1785
01:41:04,767 --> 01:41:07,600
but they decided
to cover it up for economic reasons:
1786
01:41:08,007 --> 01:41:10,601
Lt"s not good for the stock offering, really:
1787
01:41:11,807 --> 01:41:15,880
The truth is, l"m not the elected
President of the United States:
1788
01:41:17,367 --> 01:41:22,122
Bottom line is it was a computer error:
Not fraud, but a faulty programme:
1789
01:41:22,767 --> 01:41:24,564
HAL decided it liked me:
1790
01:41:27,807 --> 01:41:30,879
Today I was in the Oval Office
on a preparatory meeting
1791
01:41:30,967 --> 01:41:33,800
and I sat behind the President"s desk
and I had a reality check:
1792
01:41:33,887 --> 01:41:35,400
It kind of overwhelmed me: l: : :
1793
01:41:35,487 --> 01:41:38,081
I sat there and went,
"Wait a minute, l"m a jester:"
1794
01:41:38,167 --> 01:41:41,523
A jester doesn"t rule the kingdom:
He makes fun of the king:
1795
01:41:42,447 --> 01:41:44,915
And for a brief moment,
I thought, you know,
1796
01:41:45,007 --> 01:41:47,362
I could be
the President of the United States:
1797
01:41:47,447 --> 01:41:51,235
I thought I was President of
the United States till Eleanor talked to me:
1798
01:41:55,087 --> 01:41:58,477
Lt"s: : : I know it"s: : :
We"re not on book anymore
1799
01:41:58,567 --> 01:42:00,558
and the cue-card guy is going: : :
1800
01:42:00,807 --> 01:42:03,640
No, we just usually do fake news and jokes:
1801
01:42:03,727 --> 01:42:06,321
We don"t usually have real news
1802
01:42:06,407 --> 01:42:08,967
and non-jokes:
1803
01:42:09,927 --> 01:42:11,360
So watch out, Oprah,
1804
01:42:12,847 --> 01:42:14,803
"cause we gonna go real, girl:
1805
01:42:16,047 --> 01:42:18,766
But here"s the deal, a lot of you voted
for me or at least some of you:
1806
01:42:18,847 --> 01:42:21,077
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah:
- Yeah, thank you:
1807
01:42:21,327 --> 01:42:22,840
(APPLAUSE)
1808
01:42:23,807 --> 01:42:27,356
And I know you voted for me because
you were fed up with the status quo,
1809
01:42:27,447 --> 01:42:29,597
but you were voting for change
for the sake of change:
1810
01:42:29,687 --> 01:42:33,077
And, you know, listen, you could vote
for someone better than me:
1811
01:42:33,167 --> 01:42:34,282
You can do a lot better than me:
1812
01:42:34,367 --> 01:42:37,643
You can do a lot better than most
of the politicians you"ve elected recently:
1813
01:42:37,727 --> 01:42:40,560
And definitely,
don"t put your faith in a machine
1814
01:42:40,647 --> 01:42:43,320
that has less controls
than a Vegas slot machine:
1815
01:42:44,047 --> 01:42:46,038
So you don"t want to be a part
of the re-election?
1816
01:42:46,127 --> 01:42:49,597
Oh, no, no, please, no, no, no, no:
That"s not a stage I belong on:
1817
01:42:49,967 --> 01:42:54,245
This is where I belong, with folks like
you, finding the "funk" in "dysfunctional:"
1818
01:42:54,407 --> 01:42:57,205
Mark Twain said, "Irreverence
is basically the champion of liberty,
1819
01:42:57,287 --> 01:42:58,276
"if not its only defender:"
1820
01:42:58,367 --> 01:43:01,359
That"s what we"re there: : :
We"re there to kind of shake it up
1821
01:43:01,447 --> 01:43:02,641
and that"s what we got to do:
1822
01:43:02,727 --> 01:43:06,163
How many of you think
the educational system is working?
1823
01:43:07,367 --> 01:43:08,800
One girl: Thank you:
1824
01:43:09,807 --> 01:43:11,320
"I learned to read:"
1825
01:43:13,087 --> 01:43:15,396
Do you realise that 40%
of American high school graduates
1826
01:43:15,487 --> 01:43:18,479
think that Joan of Arc was Noah"s wife?
1827
01:43:18,887 --> 01:43:23,517
So, Tom Dobbs walked away from being
the President of the United States:
1828
01:43:23,607 --> 01:43:25,325
Okay, so he wasn"t really elected,
1829
01:43:25,407 --> 01:43:28,717
but if he hadn"t told anyone: : :
1830
01:43:28,807 --> 01:43:30,525
We going to send
some shout-out right now!
1831
01:43:30,607 --> 01:43:34,316
MENKEN: Shortly thereafter, Tom Dobbs
went back to his political comedy show:
1832
01:43:34,407 --> 01:43:36,796
L"m gonna get on the desk like
Tom Cruise, going, "I love her!"
1833
01:43:36,887 --> 01:43:38,286
He was bigger than ever:
1834
01:43:49,287 --> 01:43:53,280
Everyone"s gonna be writing about
how honest you are, how straightforward:
1835
01:43:53,527 --> 01:43:57,361
I just hope your honesty doesn"t
undercut your irreverence:
1836
01:43:57,447 --> 01:44:01,122
I want to do a show about gay farmers
and call it Crop Suckers: Is that offensive?
1837
01:44:01,207 --> 01:44:02,401
Not to me:
1838
01:44:07,287 --> 01:44:08,800
Nothing but the best!
1839
01:44:21,127 --> 01:44:22,321
ELEANOR: Yeah?
1840
01:44:28,007 --> 01:44:29,759
- Hey:
- Hi:
1841
01:44:31,367 --> 01:44:32,686
Like some company?
1842
01:44:34,247 --> 01:44:35,919
I left the nightlight on:
1843
01:44:37,447 --> 01:44:39,358
MENKEN: Eleanor became his producer,
1844
01:44:39,807 --> 01:44:41,559
and close companion,
1845
01:44:42,247 --> 01:44:44,044
lover: Later his wife:
1846
01:44:44,607 --> 01:44:48,600
The two Delacroy executives
were arrested and later convicted,
1847
01:44:48,687 --> 01:44:52,839
because Eleanor"s theories
on the computer glitch proved to be correct:
1848
01:44:52,927 --> 01:44:55,202
For those of you who are actually
thinking of getting breast implants,
1849
01:44:55,287 --> 01:44:57,039
I have something new I want you to try:
1850
01:44:57,127 --> 01:44:59,880
A lot of people: : : They get the large ones:
Those are lovely:
1851
01:44:59,967 --> 01:45:03,357
Do something new for your boyfriend:
Put in a little squeak toy:
1852
01:45:04,487 --> 01:45:08,241
I think that"s about the same:
We"re pretty easily amused: We"ll be: : :
1853
01:45:09,127 --> 01:45:12,039
You realise that"s what it is for us?
We"re like cats:
1854
01:45:13,967 --> 01:45:15,719
Also, remember the best birth control,
1855
01:45:15,807 --> 01:45:19,243
ladies, the best birth control
and the cheapest is simply this: : :
1856
01:45:21,247 --> 01:45:25,365
MENKEN: As for President Kellogg,
he won against Mills in re-election,
1857
01:45:25,447 --> 01:45:28,564
and in his second term was better
than any of us would have expected:
1858
01:45:28,647 --> 01:45:30,285
Not great, but better:
1859
01:45:30,487 --> 01:45:33,797
Maybe Tom Dobbs had something to do
with it: Who knows?
1860
01:45:33,887 --> 01:45:36,003
But I like to think
1861
01:45:36,967 --> 01:45:38,525
that one thing does lead to another:
1862
01:45:38,607 --> 01:45:40,643
Remember this, ladies and gentlemen:
1863
01:45:40,727 --> 01:45:43,480
Lt"s an old phrase, basically anonymous,
1864
01:45:44,047 --> 01:45:46,003
but politicians are a lot like diapers:
1865
01:45:46,087 --> 01:45:48,555
They should be changed frequently
and for the same reason:
1866
01:45:48,647 --> 01:45:51,320
Keep that in mind next time you vote:
Good night:
1867
01:45:51,527 --> 01:45:52,562
(APPLAUSE)