1 00:00:13,902 --> 00:00:15,690 I wouldn't want to live his life... 2 00:00:15,725 --> 00:00:17,481 'cause he hasn't been happy all of his life. 3 00:00:17,517 --> 00:00:20,517 All I think is, if you can find work, stay healthy... 4 00:00:20,557 --> 00:00:23,143 find somebody to share it with, you're the ultimate success. 5 00:00:23,181 --> 00:00:24,970 He's had some of the pieces of the puzzle... 6 00:00:25,005 --> 00:00:26,347 but not all of them. 7 00:00:27,756 --> 00:00:32,677 I, Ronald Reagan, do solemnly swear... 8 00:00:32,716 --> 00:00:34,691 That I will faithfully execute the office... 9 00:00:34,732 --> 00:00:37,034 of President of the United States. 10 00:00:37,068 --> 00:00:39,043 That I will faithfully execute the office... 11 00:00:46,989 --> 00:00:51,266 When you're young. your potential is infinite. 12 00:00:51,308 --> 00:00:54,155 You might do anything. Really. 13 00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:56,522 You might be Einstein... 14 00:00:56,556 --> 00:01:00,101 you might be DiMaggio. 15 00:01:00,139 --> 00:01:03,009 Then you get to an age when what you might be... 16 00:01:03,051 --> 00:01:05,801 gives way to what you have been. 17 00:01:05,836 --> 00:01:07,658 You weren't Einstein. 18 00:01:07,692 --> 00:01:10,408 You wenren't anything. 19 00:01:10,442 --> 00:01:12,647 That's a bad moment. 20 00:01:31,176 --> 00:01:33,729 Chuck, it's Pen. 21 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:39,077 Hey: Jesus. How'd you find me? 22 00:01:39,112 --> 00:01:41,829 You wrote me your last letter on hotel stationery. 23 00:01:41,865 --> 00:01:46,176 Oh. It's great to see you, Pen. 24 00:01:46,217 --> 00:01:48,867 You look... you look beautiful. 25 00:01:48,904 --> 00:01:50,660 This place is scary. 26 00:01:50,697 --> 00:01:55,334 Yeah. The human psyche. 27 00:01:55,368 --> 00:01:58,117 I came to take you back to California with me. 28 00:01:58,152 --> 00:01:59,559 Uh, no... 29 00:01:59,593 --> 00:02:02,407 It's a lonely state without you. 30 00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:04,349 I'm home, Red. 31 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:16,062 I can't wait forever for you to marry me. 32 00:02:16,104 --> 00:02:21,471 Well, apparently, I can, but I really don't want to. 33 00:02:24,104 --> 00:02:25,532 Uh... 34 00:02:28,774 --> 00:02:31,196 I love you so much. 35 00:02:35,782 --> 00:02:39,394 You don't undenstand. 36 00:02:39,430 --> 00:02:41,284 I don't even know why. 37 00:02:41,317 --> 00:02:43,554 Oh, Penny... 38 00:02:43,590 --> 00:02:46,657 Penny, Penny, Penny. 39 00:03:03,941 --> 00:03:08,132 Listen. I gotta go. OK? I'm kind of busy night now. OK? 40 00:03:09,222 --> 00:03:11,293 It was 1981... 41 00:03:11,333 --> 00:03:15,392 and I had holed myself up in this New York hotel... 42 00:03:15,429 --> 00:03:17,185 the Phoenix Hotel... 43 00:03:17,221 --> 00:03:20,865 terrified of everything. ashamed of my life. 44 00:03:24,643 --> 00:03:27,611 Until. Finally. I realized my salvation... 45 00:03:27,653 --> 00:03:30,718 might be in reconding my wasted life unflinchingly. 46 00:03:32,035 --> 00:03:35,930 Maybe it would senre as a cautionary tale... 47 00:03:35,971 --> 00:03:39,484 and maybe it would help me understand why. 48 00:03:39,523 --> 00:03:42,392 When I was 11. I had an experience... 49 00:03:42,435 --> 00:03:45,152 with my sister's friend Tuvia... 50 00:03:45,187 --> 00:03:46,813 that left an indelible impression. 51 00:03:46,851 --> 00:03:48,314 - Hey. - What? 52 00:03:48,356 --> 00:03:50,265 - Tuvia. - What? 53 00:03:50,307 --> 00:03:52,162 You want to lick it? 54 00:03:52,195 --> 00:03:55,098 No. Why should I? 55 00:03:55,139 --> 00:03:57,409 Well, for one thing, it tastes like strawberry. 56 00:03:57,443 --> 00:03:59,581 My sister tells me you love strawberries. 57 00:03:59,619 --> 00:04:02,139 Yeah, well, I hate strawberries. 58 00:04:02,179 --> 00:04:03,322 No, I'm serious. 59 00:04:03,362 --> 00:04:05,435 It tastes exactly like a strawberry lollipop. 60 00:04:05,474 --> 00:04:06,847 Look, I know that's not true. 61 00:04:06,881 --> 00:04:09,783 - Well, I bet you it does. - I bet you it doesn't. 62 00:04:09,825 --> 00:04:11,898 I'll bet you a dollar. 63 00:04:14,209 --> 00:04:17,340 Tuvia... my first love. 64 00:04:18,689 --> 00:04:21,340 Perhaps my whole life turned at that point. 65 00:04:21,376 --> 00:04:23,863 The repulsiveness of my sex confirmed... 66 00:04:23,904 --> 00:04:27,930 by the taste buds of a ripening pubescent girl. 67 00:04:27,969 --> 00:04:29,626 What are you doing? 68 00:04:29,664 --> 00:04:30,776 Get off me. 69 00:04:30,817 --> 00:04:32,224 And so I found myself... 70 00:04:32,256 --> 00:04:34,939 in a downwand spinal of debaucleny... 71 00:04:34,975 --> 00:04:36,731 endlessly clasing pussy. 72 00:04:40,768 --> 00:04:43,801 My only focus in life to get laid. To get blown... 73 00:04:43,840 --> 00:04:45,498 trying to fool myself into believing... 74 00:04:45,535 --> 00:04:46,877 that given the right combination... 75 00:04:46,911 --> 00:04:48,252 of circumstances and deception... 76 00:04:48,287 --> 00:04:50,230 maybe the Tuvias of the world... 77 00:04:50,271 --> 00:04:52,824 could desire me the way I desired them. 78 00:04:54,176 --> 00:04:56,729 I only wanted to be loved. 79 00:05:02,592 --> 00:05:03,704 No... 80 00:05:04,927 --> 00:05:07,926 # Won't you tell me why # 81 00:05:07,966 --> 00:05:09,821 # I love # 82 00:05:11,071 --> 00:05:12,893 # That girl so # 83 00:05:14,207 --> 00:05:18,004 # She doesn't want me # 84 00:05:18,047 --> 00:05:20,381 The constant inarticulate rage... 85 00:05:20,414 --> 00:05:24,059 led to bar fight after bar fight. 86 00:05:31,869 --> 00:05:33,560 New York is a city of people... 87 00:05:33,597 --> 00:05:35,320 the only state in the union to stretch... 88 00:05:35,357 --> 00:05:37,658 from the Atlantic Ocean to the Great Lakes. 89 00:05:37,693 --> 00:05:40,082 Directly across the avenue is... you're right again. 90 00:05:40,125 --> 00:05:41,532 I had heard that television... 91 00:05:41,564 --> 00:05:43,288 was an industry with a future... 92 00:05:43,324 --> 00:05:46,423 so I packed up and moved from Philly to Manhattan. 93 00:05:48,221 --> 00:05:51,605 We began making commercial broadcasts in 1941. 94 00:05:51,646 --> 00:05:53,172 and in 1953... 95 00:05:53,213 --> 00:05:56,312 NBC made the first ever color telecast by a network... 96 00:05:56,349 --> 00:05:58,073 during "The Colgate Comedy Hour". 97 00:05:58,109 --> 00:05:59,832 Now we'll have a look at the studio... 98 00:05:59,869 --> 00:06:01,691 where they produce "The Today Show"... 99 00:06:01,724 --> 00:06:05,401 which NBC began broadcasting in 1952. 100 00:06:05,437 --> 00:06:06,746 Excuse me, miss. 101 00:06:06,780 --> 00:06:08,885 Do you know where I could apply for an NBC page? 102 00:06:08,924 --> 00:06:10,812 Such as "The Perry Como Show"... 103 00:06:10,844 --> 00:06:13,877 which you can tune into on Saturdays at 7:30. 104 00:06:13,916 --> 00:06:15,410 "The Nat King Cole Show"... 105 00:06:15,453 --> 00:06:18,234 which you won't want to miss, on Tuesdays at 8 P.M. 106 00:06:18,268 --> 00:06:20,177 And hold on one second. 107 00:06:21,595 --> 00:06:24,465 OK. And my personal favorite... 108 00:06:24,507 --> 00:06:27,060 "The Lux Show" starring Rosemary Clooney... 109 00:06:27,099 --> 00:06:29,139 .. Which you can enjoy every Thursday at 10:00. 110 00:06:29,179 --> 00:06:30,740 And of course, "The Steve Allen Show"... 111 00:06:30,778 --> 00:06:32,568 which delights us every Sunday at 8:00. 112 00:06:32,602 --> 00:06:34,490 You may also be interested to know that Steve Allen... 113 00:06:34,522 --> 00:06:37,391 actually got his start in entertainment as an NBC page. 114 00:06:37,433 --> 00:06:39,059 Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll follow me... 115 00:06:39,098 --> 00:06:40,788 Raymond... in accounting? 116 00:06:40,825 --> 00:06:42,385 He's kind of cute, huh? 117 00:06:42,425 --> 00:06:44,945 Cute is all well and good, Mary-Ann... 118 00:06:44,985 --> 00:06:48,400 but what you want is a man who's going places... 119 00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:51,857 A go-getter on the management fast track. 120 00:06:51,898 --> 00:06:53,391 What about Mr. Waters? 121 00:06:53,433 --> 00:06:56,783 Yeah, management training application, please. 122 00:06:56,826 --> 00:06:58,832 How many people have applied for this so far? 123 00:06:58,873 --> 00:07:01,971 Let's see. Including you? About 2,000. 124 00:07:02,009 --> 00:07:04,343 - For how many positions? - Five. 125 00:07:09,368 --> 00:07:10,797 Thanks, ma'am. 126 00:07:16,728 --> 00:07:18,638 Sometimes. as a younger man... 127 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:20,785 I stretched the truth to get what I wanted. 128 00:07:20,824 --> 00:07:21,970 Tell me again: 129 00:07:22,008 --> 00:07:23,469 Head of network sales at 30. 130 00:07:23,511 --> 00:07:25,747 Head of the entire network by 40: 131 00:07:25,783 --> 00:07:28,336 I love you, Mr. Chuck Barris... 132 00:07:28,375 --> 00:07:31,026 management trainee. 133 00:07:34,583 --> 00:07:35,990 Life was sweet... 134 00:07:36,024 --> 00:07:37,201 Uhh: 135 00:07:40,406 --> 00:07:41,967 For a minute. 136 00:07:42,006 --> 00:07:44,144 Everything's either madly exciting... 137 00:07:44,182 --> 00:07:47,149 on madly interesting. 138 00:07:47,190 --> 00:07:50,452 I hope Sally never bothers herself with you. 139 00:07:58,391 --> 00:08:00,692 I got fired today. 140 00:08:00,726 --> 00:08:02,799 Fired? 141 00:08:02,839 --> 00:08:05,326 Yeah, fired. 142 00:08:05,366 --> 00:08:07,919 Fired? 143 00:08:09,206 --> 00:08:11,246 What the fuck did you get fired for? 144 00:08:11,286 --> 00:08:13,174 I don't know. Efficiency cutbacks. 145 00:08:13,206 --> 00:08:15,726 Some bullshit. Look. It's gonna be fine. 146 00:08:19,061 --> 00:08:21,843 I'm pregnant. 147 00:08:26,805 --> 00:08:29,969 So, I figured, I'm gonna skip town. 148 00:08:30,004 --> 00:08:32,012 I intend to be important, you know? 149 00:08:32,053 --> 00:08:35,533 I can't be saddled with this. Phht. 150 00:08:35,572 --> 00:08:39,467 But then I remembered something Carlyle said. 151 00:08:39,508 --> 00:08:44,428 "Do the duty which lies nearest thee". 152 00:08:44,467 --> 00:08:45,809 So you see... 153 00:08:45,844 --> 00:08:47,916 Who's Carlyle? 154 00:08:49,971 --> 00:08:53,747 Dear God. Why do I even bother? 155 00:08:53,780 --> 00:08:56,301 Fuck you, you condescending prick. 156 00:08:58,389 --> 00:09:00,559 Pregnant? 157 00:09:00,596 --> 00:09:02,603 Yeah, pregnant. 158 00:09:02,644 --> 00:09:04,236 Fuck you. 159 00:09:04,276 --> 00:09:06,064 What the fuck did you get pregnant for? 160 00:09:06,100 --> 00:09:07,277 Fuck you. 161 00:09:07,316 --> 00:09:09,616 What do you mean, what the fuck did I get pregnant for? 162 00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:12,171 You got me fucking pregnant, you fuck: 163 00:09:12,210 --> 00:09:13,137 Well, fuck you. 164 00:09:13,170 --> 00:09:14,098 Fuck you. 165 00:09:14,130 --> 00:09:16,618 - Fuckin'... - Fuck you. 166 00:09:16,658 --> 00:09:17,803 Fuck. 167 00:09:17,843 --> 00:09:19,730 Fuck you. 168 00:09:27,505 --> 00:09:29,741 Looks like I was just late. 169 00:09:36,145 --> 00:09:38,151 Oh, yes, we had a great time. 170 00:09:38,192 --> 00:09:41,454 The crew loved him and loved the show, you know? 171 00:09:41,489 --> 00:09:43,049 Because it was crazy. 172 00:09:43,088 --> 00:09:46,023 And we could do anything we wanted to... sort of... 173 00:09:46,064 --> 00:09:48,999 and, uh, yeah, they liked him very much. 174 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:50,468 He was a good guy. 175 00:09:50,512 --> 00:09:53,808 Even though he's a prick, he's a good guy, too. 176 00:09:53,841 --> 00:09:55,945 What is labeled a dream faculty. 177 00:09:55,985 --> 00:09:58,886 Wouldn't school be wonderful if we had a faculty like this? 178 00:09:58,928 --> 00:10:00,204 You read it. All night? 179 00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:03,239 Principal Sal Mineo. Vice Principal Tony Penkins... 180 00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:04,906 Couldn't you see going to a school... 181 00:10:04,944 --> 00:10:07,463 where Sal Mineo is the principal? 182 00:10:07,504 --> 00:10:10,286 In '61 I had become a minor suit at ABC. 183 00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:12,229 It was during the music payola scandal... 184 00:10:12,272 --> 00:10:14,606 so my job was to commute to Philly every day... 185 00:10:14,639 --> 00:10:16,973 to the "American Bandstand" tapings... 186 00:10:17,008 --> 00:10:18,666 to keep an eye on Dick Clark. 187 00:10:18,703 --> 00:10:20,525 One more lady's choice of the afternoon to go... 188 00:10:20,559 --> 00:10:22,151 and suppose we make it this one. OK? 189 00:10:23,438 --> 00:10:24,583 On weekends... 190 00:10:24,623 --> 00:10:26,477 I used to hang around amusement parks... 191 00:10:26,510 --> 00:10:29,358 because that's where the young girls were. 192 00:10:29,390 --> 00:10:33,164 I wrote a song about my experiences. 193 00:10:33,198 --> 00:10:34,921 # When you stop at the top of a Ferris wheel... # 194 00:10:34,958 --> 00:10:37,413 I got it to Freddy "Boom Boom" Cannon... 195 00:10:37,454 --> 00:10:39,527 through my friendship with Dick Clark. 196 00:10:39,566 --> 00:10:42,021 Dick really wanted to help me out. 197 00:10:42,062 --> 00:10:43,240 Hi. 198 00:10:43,278 --> 00:10:45,700 - What? - Hi. 199 00:10:45,742 --> 00:10:46,854 Oh. 200 00:10:46,894 --> 00:10:48,933 I wrote this song. 201 00:10:48,973 --> 00:10:50,250 Huh. 202 00:10:50,285 --> 00:10:54,475 It's number three on the pop charts. See? 203 00:10:54,508 --> 00:10:56,997 - Uh-huh. - Yeah. 204 00:10:58,414 --> 00:11:01,163 I believe there's a great future in television. 205 00:11:01,197 --> 00:11:02,311 Uh-huh? 206 00:11:02,349 --> 00:11:05,797 So I'm gonna take my royalties and create a pilot. 207 00:11:05,837 --> 00:11:08,684 A pilot's what they call a test TV show. 208 00:11:08,717 --> 00:11:10,309 I work in TV. 209 00:11:10,349 --> 00:11:12,619 Yeah? What's your name? I'm Chuck. 210 00:11:12,653 --> 00:11:14,246 - Debbie. - Debbie. 211 00:11:14,285 --> 00:11:15,779 So. You live in Philly? 212 00:11:15,820 --> 00:11:17,282 No. I live in Manhattan. 213 00:11:17,325 --> 00:11:18,634 It's gonna be a game show. 214 00:11:18,669 --> 00:11:20,611 I believe there's a great future in game shows. 215 00:11:20,652 --> 00:11:21,896 Oh. That's good. 216 00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:25,509 Yeah. Everyone loves game shows. Right? 217 00:11:25,548 --> 00:11:26,857 I don't know. 218 00:11:26,891 --> 00:11:28,135 Well. They do. 219 00:11:28,172 --> 00:11:29,546 Well, that's great then. 220 00:11:29,580 --> 00:11:31,522 Ha la la. I'm on my way. 221 00:11:44,106 --> 00:11:46,212 Hello. 222 00:11:46,250 --> 00:11:47,526 Hi. 223 00:11:50,250 --> 00:11:53,446 Uh... don't be alarmed. I'm here with Debbie. 224 00:11:53,482 --> 00:11:56,330 Yeah, I figured that. Hungry? 225 00:11:56,362 --> 00:11:58,566 Um, no, thanks. 226 00:11:58,602 --> 00:11:59,911 Thirsty? 227 00:11:59,946 --> 00:12:04,069 Sure, if you have a beer or... 228 00:12:10,474 --> 00:12:13,343 How was sex with Debbie? I always wanted to know. 229 00:12:13,385 --> 00:12:16,800 It was good. Fine. Thanks for asking. 230 00:12:16,841 --> 00:12:18,914 No problem. 231 00:12:18,953 --> 00:12:21,124 I just got fucked by this drummer cat... 232 00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:23,135 a real righteous Negro hipster. 233 00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:24,704 Heh. Interesting. 234 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:26,468 I'm into the brotherhood of man. 235 00:12:26,504 --> 00:12:28,511 I fucked an Oriental last week. 236 00:12:28,552 --> 00:12:31,007 - What are you? - Jew. 237 00:12:31,048 --> 00:12:33,251 I had one of those once, but he was Sephardic. 238 00:12:33,287 --> 00:12:35,197 You look Ashke-nazi. 239 00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:37,826 - Ashkenazi. - Right, Ashke-nazi. 240 00:12:37,864 --> 00:12:40,766 I haven't had one of those yet. 241 00:12:40,807 --> 00:12:42,694 You're romantic. 242 00:12:42,727 --> 00:12:44,385 Yeah. I just don't get into all the bullshit... 243 00:12:44,423 --> 00:12:46,245 between cats and chicks. 244 00:12:46,279 --> 00:12:48,451 - I know what you mean. - You know what I mean? 245 00:12:48,487 --> 00:12:50,080 Besides, you just give your heart to one cat... 246 00:12:50,119 --> 00:12:51,264 and you get hurt. 247 00:12:51,303 --> 00:12:52,733 Don't I know it? 248 00:12:57,256 --> 00:12:59,524 We could ball if you want. 249 00:13:02,439 --> 00:13:03,683 Whoa-ho-ho. 250 00:13:04,999 --> 00:13:06,243 That would be good. 251 00:13:06,278 --> 00:13:09,410 Yeah, but... ha ha ha: 252 00:13:09,446 --> 00:13:12,610 I'm here with Debbie. It doesn't seem right. 253 00:13:18,279 --> 00:13:20,515 That's true. I didn't think of that. 254 00:13:22,246 --> 00:13:25,116 Well, I'm going to bed. It was nice meeting you. 255 00:13:25,158 --> 00:13:27,045 Hey, what's your name? 256 00:13:28,774 --> 00:13:30,945 I'm Penny. 257 00:13:30,981 --> 00:13:32,323 I'm Chuck. 258 00:13:32,358 --> 00:13:34,048 - Chuck Barris. - Yeah. 259 00:13:34,086 --> 00:13:35,645 Yeah, you wrote that Palisades song. 260 00:13:35,685 --> 00:13:38,052 - I really like that song. - Oh, thanks. 261 00:13:38,085 --> 00:13:39,744 Yeah, it's real sentimental bullshit. 262 00:13:39,780 --> 00:13:42,083 Oh, right. 263 00:13:47,653 --> 00:13:50,270 # Last night I took a walk after dark # 264 00:13:50,308 --> 00:13:52,992 # A swingin' place called Palisades Park # 265 00:13:53,028 --> 00:13:56,825 # To have somme fun and see what I could see # 266 00:13:56,868 --> 00:13:58,625 # That's where the girls are # 267 00:13:58,661 --> 00:14:01,246 # I took a nide on the sloot-the-chute # 268 00:14:01,284 --> 00:14:04,067 # That girl I sat beside was awful cute # 269 00:14:04,101 --> 00:14:08,224 # Aften it stopped. she was holding hands with me # 270 00:14:08,260 --> 00:14:10,332 # My heart was flyin' up # 271 00:14:10,372 --> 00:14:12,259 # Like a rocket slip # 272 00:14:12,292 --> 00:14:14,942 # Down. Like a roller coaster # 273 00:14:14,979 --> 00:14:17,247 # Back. Like a loop-the-loop # 274 00:14:17,283 --> 00:14:20,632 # And around. like a merry-go-round # 275 00:14:20,674 --> 00:14:23,392 # We ate and ate at a hot dog stand # 276 00:14:23,426 --> 00:14:26,143 # We danced around to a rockin' band # 277 00:14:26,178 --> 00:14:29,691 # And when I could. I gave that girl a hug # 278 00:14:29,730 --> 00:14:31,617 # In the Tunnel of Love # 279 00:14:31,649 --> 00:14:33,951 # You'll never know how great a kiss can feel # 280 00:14:33,986 --> 00:14:36,668 # When you stop at the top of a Ferris wheel # 281 00:14:36,705 --> 00:14:38,592 # When I fell in love # 282 00:14:38,625 --> 00:14:41,559 # Down at Palisades Park # 283 00:14:41,601 --> 00:14:43,389 # Whoa-oh-oh-oh # 284 00:14:50,656 --> 00:14:52,352 Last night in my dream... 285 00:14:52,385 --> 00:14:55,199 this ape and I are sitting staring at each other... 286 00:14:55,233 --> 00:14:57,721 and it was like across time and evolution. 287 00:14:57,761 --> 00:14:59,485 And then he started talking... 288 00:14:59,521 --> 00:15:01,855 but in a language I didn't really understand. 289 00:15:01,889 --> 00:15:04,605 Swiss, maybe. 290 00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:09,397 And then he turned into Perry Como... real square. 291 00:15:09,441 --> 00:15:11,480 - What's wrong with you? - Nothing. 292 00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:13,047 You know, just because we fucked... 293 00:15:13,088 --> 00:15:14,582 doesn't mean there are strings now. 294 00:15:14,624 --> 00:15:15,834 OK. 295 00:15:15,872 --> 00:15:17,530 I just wanted to tell you about my dream. 296 00:15:17,568 --> 00:15:20,219 Nothing more complicated than that. Don't panic. 297 00:15:20,256 --> 00:15:23,125 I'm just not used to all this dating bullshit. 298 00:15:23,168 --> 00:15:24,345 Now we're a couple. 299 00:15:24,384 --> 00:15:26,773 Now I'm obliged to give a shit what you say. 300 00:15:26,816 --> 00:15:29,434 Don't worry. I'm not into those games. 301 00:15:29,472 --> 00:15:32,732 So anyway. The monkey turns into Penny Como... 302 00:15:32,767 --> 00:15:33,912 and I say... 303 00:15:33,950 --> 00:15:35,478 - Holy fuck. - What? 304 00:15:35,519 --> 00:15:37,341 Holy, holy fuck. 305 00:15:37,375 --> 00:15:40,823 You just gave me an idea for a show. Fuck: 306 00:15:40,863 --> 00:15:42,325 A show about monkeys? 307 00:15:42,367 --> 00:15:44,189 No, about people. 308 00:15:44,223 --> 00:15:46,262 About sex, about romance... 309 00:15:46,302 --> 00:15:49,598 about the bullshit of dating. 310 00:15:49,630 --> 00:15:52,019 I call it "The Dating Game"... 311 00:15:52,062 --> 00:15:54,964 and that's what it's about, Mr. Goldberg. 312 00:15:55,006 --> 00:15:58,301 A pretty girl asks three handsome guys... 313 00:15:58,333 --> 00:16:00,920 who she can't see... silly questions... 314 00:16:00,958 --> 00:16:02,846 and based on their answers... 315 00:16:02,878 --> 00:16:06,391 she picks one to date, and we pay for the date. 316 00:16:06,430 --> 00:16:08,057 That's it. That's the show. 317 00:16:13,021 --> 00:16:16,120 Aah. Aah. Aah. 318 00:16:16,157 --> 00:16:18,579 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 319 00:16:18,621 --> 00:16:20,825 - Hot damn. - What, what, what? 320 00:16:20,862 --> 00:16:22,072 - They bought it. - Yeah. 321 00:16:22,108 --> 00:16:23,702 They bought it. 322 00:16:23,741 --> 00:16:27,036 They're giving me 7,500 fuckin' dollars to make a pilot. 323 00:16:27,068 --> 00:16:29,174 We gotta go celebrate. Let's go roller skating. 324 00:16:29,213 --> 00:16:30,555 I can't. I got a date. 325 00:16:30,589 --> 00:16:32,050 OK, cool. Will you call me after? 326 00:16:32,093 --> 00:16:34,776 - OK. - OK. Bye. Mwah. 327 00:17:24,890 --> 00:17:26,515 I figured I was in. 328 00:17:26,554 --> 00:17:28,625 All I had to do was get the pilot made... 329 00:17:29,848 --> 00:17:31,888 and I'd be a millionaire. 330 00:17:31,929 --> 00:17:34,449 Everyone would love me. 331 00:17:34,489 --> 00:17:38,002 Was anyone even so young? 332 00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:40,593 - No. - No. 333 00:17:40,633 --> 00:17:43,731 - No. - All right. Lose it. 334 00:17:43,769 --> 00:17:46,103 ABC didn't like "The Dating Game". 335 00:17:46,136 --> 00:17:48,274 They did like a show called "Hootenanny". 336 00:17:48,312 --> 00:17:50,221 Whoa, whoa, whoa. I like this one. 337 00:17:50,263 --> 00:17:53,230 Well, he led an amazingly long life. 338 00:17:53,272 --> 00:17:55,181 Hooten-fuckin'- nanny. 339 00:17:59,287 --> 00:18:00,531 What do they know? 340 00:18:00,567 --> 00:18:03,121 That's long for a dog. 341 00:18:04,952 --> 00:18:07,156 I don't know. Probably about 70 to you and me. 342 00:18:12,184 --> 00:18:13,874 Uh-huh. 343 00:18:15,159 --> 00:18:18,356 It's nine years to every one of ours. 344 00:18:18,392 --> 00:18:20,780 Ha ha ha. 345 00:18:24,247 --> 00:18:25,491 Yeah. 346 00:18:28,983 --> 00:18:30,227 Uh-huh. 347 00:18:30,262 --> 00:18:32,815 I'm sorry about your show. 348 00:18:32,854 --> 00:18:36,650 What? How long has he been dead? 349 00:18:36,694 --> 00:18:38,581 Jesus, Phoebe, that's... 350 00:18:38,614 --> 00:18:40,075 Yeah. No, I'll hold on. 351 00:18:40,118 --> 00:18:42,005 - Is that your mom? - My sister. 352 00:18:42,038 --> 00:18:45,999 Come here. Oh, yeah. I got you these. 353 00:18:46,037 --> 00:18:47,314 Listen, Pen, I'm not... 354 00:18:47,348 --> 00:18:49,618 I want to tell you something. I talked to a psychic today. 355 00:18:49,654 --> 00:18:51,541 - A what? - A psychic. 356 00:18:51,574 --> 00:18:54,421 And she said that you are gonna be very successful. 357 00:18:54,453 --> 00:18:57,136 - Oh, really? - Mery successful. 358 00:18:57,172 --> 00:19:00,555 - Tarot cards? - Tea leaves. 359 00:19:00,597 --> 00:19:03,379 Say that again, Phoebe. I missed it. 360 00:19:03,414 --> 00:19:07,821 Tuvia? No, why would I have seen her? 361 00:19:07,862 --> 00:19:11,124 - She did? - Who's Tuvia? 362 00:19:11,156 --> 00:19:14,124 - To Manhattan? - Who's Tuvia? 363 00:19:15,541 --> 00:19:16,686 Yeah. 364 00:19:19,443 --> 00:19:20,588 Uh-huh. 365 00:19:23,699 --> 00:19:24,811 Oh, your niece. 366 00:19:24,851 --> 00:19:27,339 Divorced? Really? 367 00:19:27,379 --> 00:19:29,550 I didn't know she got married. 368 00:19:30,547 --> 00:19:31,692 Yes? 369 00:19:33,363 --> 00:19:35,981 Hi, Tuvia. 370 00:19:38,706 --> 00:19:41,609 Well, if it isn't Strawberry Dick Barris. 371 00:19:41,651 --> 00:19:44,105 - What do you want? 372 00:19:44,145 --> 00:19:47,015 I'm back in town for a while, and I thought maybe... 373 00:19:47,058 --> 00:19:48,519 Jesus, you gotta be kidding. 374 00:19:48,562 --> 00:19:49,903 We could go out and get an ice cream cone. 375 00:19:49,938 --> 00:19:52,207 He's so convincing when he's... Heh heh... 376 00:19:52,241 --> 00:19:53,616 when he's talkin' with you... 377 00:19:53,649 --> 00:19:55,787 he could convince you of anything, you know? 378 00:19:55,825 --> 00:19:57,712 He's one of the very few guys... 379 00:19:57,745 --> 00:20:01,389 I'd like to have on my side in a street fight. 380 00:20:01,424 --> 00:20:03,497 You wanna fight, you big pile of shit? 381 00:20:15,633 --> 00:20:17,902 You're a pretty angry young fella. 382 00:20:17,937 --> 00:20:19,847 Can't fight worth a damn, though. 383 00:20:19,889 --> 00:20:21,296 Hey. Screw off. Queen. 384 00:20:21,328 --> 00:20:22,954 Don't think I haven't seen you watching me... 385 00:20:22,992 --> 00:20:24,367 in that bar for a week now. 386 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:26,223 Kind of a loner, I'd say. 387 00:20:26,256 --> 00:20:28,591 Fairly bright, a tad antisocial. 388 00:20:28,625 --> 00:20:31,046 Mad at the world. Can I buy you lunch? 389 00:20:31,088 --> 00:20:34,404 Look, there's a schoolyard half a block down. 390 00:20:34,448 --> 00:20:37,262 Why don't you go trollin' there? 391 00:20:37,295 --> 00:20:39,368 I can teach you at least 30 different ways... 392 00:20:39,408 --> 00:20:41,929 to kill a man with a single blow, Mr. Barris. 393 00:20:41,968 --> 00:20:43,560 It might help in future bar fights. 394 00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:46,087 Just a thought. 395 00:20:46,128 --> 00:20:49,127 Oh, and there's money in it... good money. 396 00:20:50,287 --> 00:20:52,675 I figure if I can keep afloat... 397 00:20:52,719 --> 00:20:54,922 until I come up with the next game show idea... 398 00:20:54,959 --> 00:20:56,901 then all would be copacetic. 399 00:20:56,942 --> 00:20:59,243 That sounds great, Chuck. 400 00:20:59,278 --> 00:21:01,515 I've never known a television producer before. 401 00:21:01,550 --> 00:21:02,891 I'm impressed. 402 00:21:02,926 --> 00:21:04,813 Yeah. OK. 403 00:21:04,846 --> 00:21:07,181 What's this money and a deal you were talking about? 404 00:21:07,214 --> 00:21:09,517 I work for a government agency. 405 00:21:09,550 --> 00:21:12,005 We're always looking for good, enthusiastic men... 406 00:21:12,047 --> 00:21:14,284 to help us carry out our directives. 407 00:21:20,302 --> 00:21:23,171 What kind of work? What government agency? 408 00:21:24,462 --> 00:21:27,244 Problem-solving work. 409 00:21:27,277 --> 00:21:29,099 The Office of Diplomatic Security. 410 00:21:29,133 --> 00:21:32,581 Office of what? I never heard of it. 411 00:21:32,621 --> 00:21:34,923 Is that the fuckin' CIA or something? 412 00:21:34,957 --> 00:21:37,412 Ha ha ha ha ha. 413 00:21:37,454 --> 00:21:39,690 Please be discreet, Mr. Barris. 414 00:21:52,204 --> 00:21:53,577 Jesus. 415 00:21:53,611 --> 00:21:55,586 Is this the fuckin' CIA? 416 00:21:57,291 --> 00:21:59,178 Yeah. Hell, I'll be a spy. 417 00:21:59,211 --> 00:22:01,632 Where do I sign up? Are you fuckin' with me? 418 00:22:01,674 --> 00:22:02,951 You're fuckin' with me, aren't you? 419 00:22:02,986 --> 00:22:04,612 Hardly. 420 00:22:04,650 --> 00:22:06,538 And you wouldn't be working for the company. 421 00:22:06,571 --> 00:22:09,255 You'd be an independent contract agent. 422 00:22:09,292 --> 00:22:10,536 Independent. 423 00:22:10,570 --> 00:22:12,742 No official tie to any agency. 424 00:22:13,771 --> 00:22:15,680 Understand? 425 00:22:18,666 --> 00:22:20,074 Why me? 426 00:22:21,515 --> 00:22:23,849 Well, as you know, I've been watching you. 427 00:22:23,883 --> 00:22:25,376 For quite some time, actually. 428 00:22:25,418 --> 00:22:27,839 I've only let you know about it for the last week. 429 00:22:27,882 --> 00:22:32,803 I'm happy to report you fit our profile, Mr. Barris. 430 00:22:32,841 --> 00:22:34,597 Are you interested in the work? 431 00:22:37,418 --> 00:22:38,661 What's the profile? 432 00:22:38,697 --> 00:22:42,756 Are you interested in the work, Mr. Barris? 433 00:22:42,793 --> 00:22:45,214 Yeah, sure. I wanna be a secret agent. 434 00:22:45,258 --> 00:22:46,751 A contract agent, whatever. 435 00:22:46,793 --> 00:22:48,997 Get to fuck beautiful Eastern European women... 436 00:22:49,032 --> 00:22:51,367 What we do is very serious, Mr. Barris. 437 00:22:51,401 --> 00:22:54,270 It's essential in quelling the rise of communism... 438 00:22:54,312 --> 00:22:56,701 and allowing democracy to get its rightful foothold... 439 00:22:56,744 --> 00:22:58,654 around the globe. 440 00:22:58,697 --> 00:23:00,736 You understand? 441 00:23:02,344 --> 00:23:04,285 Uh... sure. 442 00:23:04,327 --> 00:23:05,636 Yeah, uh... 443 00:23:05,672 --> 00:23:08,390 Yeah, OK. That's good. 444 00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:25,633 There are several efficient methods... 445 00:23:25,671 --> 00:23:27,396 for killing a man... 446 00:23:27,432 --> 00:23:29,254 were you to find yourself without a weapon. 447 00:23:29,288 --> 00:23:32,321 The edge of your hand... 448 00:23:32,358 --> 00:23:34,693 against your adversary's Adam's apple. 449 00:23:34,728 --> 00:23:37,029 This will crush his windpipe... 450 00:23:37,063 --> 00:23:39,713 causing strangulation... 451 00:23:39,750 --> 00:23:41,092 and death. 452 00:23:43,974 --> 00:23:45,403 Hyuhh. 453 00:23:46,918 --> 00:23:48,347 Shit. 454 00:23:49,990 --> 00:23:52,062 I need another volunteer. 455 00:23:53,926 --> 00:23:56,195 You're training me to be a killer. 456 00:23:56,229 --> 00:23:58,237 See, Chuck? I knew you were fairly bright. 457 00:23:58,277 --> 00:24:01,594 I'm not killin' people. My future's in television. 458 00:24:01,637 --> 00:24:04,834 You're 32 years old, and you've achieved nothing. 459 00:24:04,869 --> 00:24:07,520 Jesus Christ was dead and alive again by 33. 460 00:24:07,558 --> 00:24:08,769 You better get crackin'. 461 00:24:08,806 --> 00:24:10,748 - I have ideas for shows. - Good. 462 00:24:10,791 --> 00:24:13,212 Why don't you spend another six months developing them... 463 00:24:13,253 --> 00:24:14,497 while you're staring out the window... 464 00:24:14,534 --> 00:24:17,284 waiting for Larry Goldberg to call? 465 00:24:17,318 --> 00:24:18,595 How do you know all this? 466 00:24:18,630 --> 00:24:20,735 I know everything about you, Chuck. 467 00:24:20,773 --> 00:24:22,529 I know which hand you jerk off with. 468 00:24:22,565 --> 00:24:26,045 Left. Leave in the morning, if you want. 469 00:24:26,083 --> 00:24:29,149 I'm here to tell you, this is honest work for good pay. 470 00:24:29,188 --> 00:24:30,682 You're making the world safer... 471 00:24:30,724 --> 00:24:32,633 and your country will be grateful. 472 00:24:34,019 --> 00:24:36,289 It'll toughen you up. 473 00:24:36,323 --> 00:24:38,712 Wait a second: 474 00:24:38,755 --> 00:24:41,122 Hey, we gotta talk about this. 475 00:24:41,156 --> 00:24:45,411 And there it was... my defining moment. 476 00:24:45,443 --> 00:24:47,931 I wasn't just gonna work for the CIA. 477 00:24:47,971 --> 00:24:50,360 I was gonna kill for them. 478 00:24:52,227 --> 00:24:54,398 Call it patriotism. 479 00:25:33,792 --> 00:25:35,419 Glycerine is, of course... 480 00:25:35,457 --> 00:25:38,621 the best known nitrating agent. 481 00:25:38,657 --> 00:25:43,479 Keep in mind, though, that nitro... glycerine... 482 00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:45,461 is extremely unstable. 483 00:25:47,520 --> 00:25:49,909 A slight tap... 484 00:25:49,952 --> 00:25:53,694 a one-degree change in temperature... 485 00:25:53,728 --> 00:25:56,215 and it'll blow up in your hands. 486 00:25:59,711 --> 00:26:01,751 So, let's mix us up a batch: 487 00:26:01,792 --> 00:26:04,890 Everybody take your 75-milliliter beaker... 488 00:26:04,927 --> 00:26:06,836 and fill it up to the 13-milliliter level... 489 00:26:06,879 --> 00:26:09,628 with red-hot fummin' nitric acid... 490 00:26:09,663 --> 00:26:11,574 98% concentration. 491 00:26:15,072 --> 00:26:16,631 The field phone... 492 00:26:16,671 --> 00:26:19,289 used as an instrument of interrogation... 493 00:26:19,328 --> 00:26:20,757 or torture. 494 00:26:25,407 --> 00:26:28,854 Attaching firmly to the genitalia. 495 00:26:31,198 --> 00:26:33,108 Hey, Ivan. 496 00:26:33,150 --> 00:26:35,451 Are you now, or have you ever been... 497 00:26:35,486 --> 00:26:36,893 a member of the Communist Party? 498 00:26:36,926 --> 00:26:40,242 What's your Aunt Tillie's recipe for vodka cookies? 499 00:26:51,324 --> 00:26:53,081 All right, Jack. 500 00:26:53,118 --> 00:26:54,710 Take care, Lee. 501 00:27:19,483 --> 00:27:21,905 I know a lot about him that you are not gonna know. 502 00:27:21,947 --> 00:27:23,289 I can't tell you. 503 00:27:23,323 --> 00:27:24,818 Yeah. 504 00:27:24,859 --> 00:27:28,983 I know some things about him that are very distressing... 505 00:27:29,019 --> 00:27:30,709 and, um... 506 00:27:30,747 --> 00:27:33,878 and you wouldn't want to know them about him. 507 00:27:46,426 --> 00:27:48,598 So. Wlat did tlis guy Renda do. Anyway? 508 00:27:48,634 --> 00:27:50,456 It's your job to follow directives... 509 00:27:50,489 --> 00:27:51,863 not question their validity. 510 00:27:51,897 --> 00:27:55,192 Uh... oh. Pon favor. Uh. Se�or... 511 00:27:55,226 --> 00:27:56,404 No hablo ingl�s. 512 00:27:56,441 --> 00:27:58,513 Ra-blah-blah los blotenos? 513 00:27:59,865 --> 00:28:02,451 Ra-blah-blah la minjanes? 514 00:28:02,489 --> 00:28:03,983 Hermano, help me, please. 515 00:28:04,024 --> 00:28:06,959 - Se�or. No habla ingl�s. - No. No. No. No. 516 00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:08,724 Can I be of some assistance? 517 00:28:08,761 --> 00:28:09,906 He's a bad guy. 518 00:28:09,945 --> 00:28:13,206 He's one of the bad guys. 519 00:28:13,241 --> 00:28:14,867 Bad for the U.S., right, Jim? 520 00:28:14,905 --> 00:28:17,523 Not bad in an absolute sense, just bad for the U.S. 521 00:28:17,560 --> 00:28:18,967 Don't fuckin' dance with me. 522 00:28:19,001 --> 00:28:21,204 Renda's bad for the Tea and Biscuit Company. 523 00:28:21,241 --> 00:28:22,583 He's bad for me personally. 524 00:28:22,616 --> 00:28:25,267 You work for me. Renda's bad for me. 525 00:28:25,304 --> 00:28:27,443 You'ne now officially a patriotic citizen... 526 00:28:27,480 --> 00:28:29,236 of the United States of Jim Byrd. 527 00:28:29,273 --> 00:28:32,119 There's no backing out now. We've let you in on everything. 528 00:28:32,152 --> 00:28:33,811 You don't play, you don't leave. 529 00:28:33,847 --> 00:28:37,492 Understand that? You don't play, you don't leave. 530 00:28:41,016 --> 00:28:43,120 I like you. I do. 531 00:28:43,159 --> 00:28:44,883 And you'ne gonna do fine tomorrow... 532 00:28:44,919 --> 00:28:47,058 and we're gonna becmme good friends. 533 00:28:52,471 --> 00:28:54,129 You can have a nice little career... 534 00:28:54,167 --> 00:28:56,654 but you have to grow up. There's a war on. 535 00:29:37,877 --> 00:29:40,145 Beautiful country, isn't it? 536 00:29:40,180 --> 00:29:42,700 Yeah. 537 00:29:42,741 --> 00:29:46,253 You did us proud today, Chuck. 538 00:29:46,292 --> 00:29:49,804 Renda was a bad guy. He really was. 539 00:29:58,258 --> 00:30:00,144 Chuck, is that you? 540 00:30:00,178 --> 00:30:03,212 Jesus Christ, Pen: You scared the shit out of me. 541 00:30:03,251 --> 00:30:04,528 - Were you throwing up? - What are you doing here? 542 00:30:04,563 --> 00:30:05,807 I've been crashing here for a while. 543 00:30:05,842 --> 00:30:07,849 I've been waiting for you. Where you been? 544 00:30:07,890 --> 00:30:09,745 Mexico. I was just on a little vacation. 545 00:30:09,778 --> 00:30:11,883 You didn't drink the water, did you? 546 00:30:11,922 --> 00:30:14,060 - Yeah. - You're not supposed to. 547 00:30:14,098 --> 00:30:15,309 That's Montessori's revenge. 548 00:30:15,347 --> 00:30:16,907 - Montezuma's. - Right. 549 00:30:16,948 --> 00:30:18,736 You can't even open your eyes or your mouth... 550 00:30:18,771 --> 00:30:20,396 when you take a shower there. 551 00:30:20,434 --> 00:30:22,955 Why is our water so good, and their water is poisoned? 552 00:30:22,995 --> 00:30:25,897 - It's in the same ocean. - I don't know. 553 00:30:25,939 --> 00:30:28,273 - Oh. - Huh. 554 00:30:28,306 --> 00:30:31,754 Um... I'm a hippie now. 555 00:30:33,106 --> 00:30:34,928 Wow. Great. 556 00:30:34,962 --> 00:30:37,067 I've been to San Fnancisco. and it's ammazing there. 557 00:30:37,106 --> 00:30:39,343 Everybody loves everybody... 558 00:30:39,378 --> 00:30:40,556 and there's so many colors. 559 00:30:40,593 --> 00:30:42,251 And we're gonna change the world. 560 00:30:44,274 --> 00:30:46,662 Will you come back there and be my old man with me? 561 00:30:46,706 --> 00:30:49,487 Ha ha. Well, not that old. 562 00:30:49,521 --> 00:30:51,277 Penny, I'm a little tired now, so maybe... 563 00:30:51,312 --> 00:30:53,517 Oh, wait, wait. I got to play you this song. 564 00:31:13,584 --> 00:31:15,974 # Sunshine came softly # 565 00:31:16,016 --> 00:31:18,863 # Through my window today... # 566 00:31:18,896 --> 00:31:22,191 Penny, what did you do to my wall? 567 00:31:22,225 --> 00:31:25,540 Some guy called... Gold bird. 568 00:31:25,584 --> 00:31:27,820 Gold bird. Larry Goldberg? 569 00:31:27,855 --> 00:31:30,157 You're kidding me. 570 00:31:30,191 --> 00:31:34,119 Hi. This is Chuck Barris returning for Larry Goldberg. 571 00:31:34,159 --> 00:31:36,395 - Hi, Chuck. - Mr. Goldberg. 572 00:31:36,430 --> 00:31:38,285 I'm so sorry I didn't get back to you right away. 573 00:31:38,319 --> 00:31:40,391 I was out of town. I was on vacation in Mexico. 574 00:31:40,431 --> 00:31:41,707 Good for you. 575 00:31:41,743 --> 00:31:43,684 Listen, I'm sitting here and going through things... 576 00:31:43,726 --> 00:31:45,963 and I have a hole in my daytime schedule. 577 00:31:45,999 --> 00:31:48,005 I think it might be right for you and your baby. 578 00:31:48,046 --> 00:31:49,453 My baby, Mr. Goldberg? 579 00:31:49,486 --> 00:31:52,716 Chuck, "Dating Game". Isn't that your baby? 580 00:31:52,750 --> 00:31:54,953 - Yes, sir, it is. - You still interested? 581 00:31:54,990 --> 00:31:56,582 Yes, sir. Very interested, sir. 582 00:31:56,622 --> 00:31:58,345 I've got six weeks to get this on the air. 583 00:31:58,381 --> 00:32:00,236 Is that doable for you and your people? 584 00:32:00,269 --> 00:32:04,294 My people? Six weeks? Sure, yeah. 585 00:32:04,333 --> 00:32:06,819 Give me a call when you get to L.A., Chuck. 586 00:32:08,236 --> 00:32:11,302 Oh, goddamn. 587 00:32:11,339 --> 00:32:15,594 Hot dog. Fucking shit. Piss. 588 00:32:15,627 --> 00:32:17,603 Who's Larry Goldberg? 589 00:32:23,307 --> 00:32:25,031 Bachelor number one... 590 00:32:25,069 --> 00:32:28,036 what would I like most about you? 591 00:32:28,076 --> 00:32:30,443 I'm very romantic... 592 00:32:30,476 --> 00:32:32,898 and I'd send you flowers every day. 593 00:32:32,940 --> 00:32:34,849 Aw. That's so sweet. 594 00:32:34,891 --> 00:32:39,147 Bachelor number three. What would I like most about you? 595 00:32:39,178 --> 00:32:40,870 My big cock. 596 00:32:48,586 --> 00:32:50,529 Bachelor number one... 597 00:32:50,571 --> 00:32:52,709 what nationality are you? 598 00:32:52,746 --> 00:32:55,780 Umm... my daddy is Welsh... 599 00:32:55,818 --> 00:32:57,313 my mamma's Hungarian... 600 00:32:57,355 --> 00:33:01,064 so I guess that makes me well-hung. 601 00:33:03,689 --> 00:33:06,406 Bachelor number two... 602 00:33:06,442 --> 00:33:07,936 I play the trombone. 603 00:33:07,977 --> 00:33:11,719 If I blew you, what would you sound like? 604 00:33:11,753 --> 00:33:13,411 What would I sound like? 605 00:33:14,986 --> 00:33:18,663 All right. Ooh. 606 00:33:18,698 --> 00:33:23,586 Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. 607 00:33:23,626 --> 00:33:26,692 Ooh. Ooh. 608 00:33:26,730 --> 00:33:29,478 Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. 609 00:33:29,513 --> 00:33:31,782 Ooh. 610 00:33:31,817 --> 00:33:34,883 That's nice. Don't stop. Oh. 611 00:33:40,872 --> 00:33:42,628 Blow it. Baby. 612 00:33:49,544 --> 00:33:51,431 Heh heh. 613 00:33:51,464 --> 00:33:55,522 Chuck, quite frankly, these episodes are unairable. 614 00:33:55,560 --> 00:33:58,626 Look, Larry, the show's spontaneous. 615 00:33:58,663 --> 00:34:01,216 It's unscripted. That's its charm. 616 00:34:01,255 --> 00:34:02,979 I can't help what people say. 617 00:34:03,015 --> 00:34:05,601 Be that as it may, we can't have black men... 618 00:34:05,639 --> 00:34:07,711 getting blow jobs on national television. 619 00:34:07,750 --> 00:34:09,539 The point is not that he's black, Hank. 620 00:34:09,574 --> 00:34:10,916 Well. I know that. 621 00:34:10,951 --> 00:34:12,893 Chuck. That's it. We can't air this stuff. 622 00:34:12,935 --> 00:34:15,521 If you can't retain your spontaneity on the show... 623 00:34:15,559 --> 00:34:17,348 without this lewd conduct. it's over. 624 00:34:17,383 --> 00:34:19,325 It's finished. You're history. 625 00:34:19,366 --> 00:34:21,821 Now, fix this fucking thing, or we got a problem. 626 00:34:25,223 --> 00:34:28,037 Hi, folks. Before we begin taping today... 627 00:34:28,070 --> 00:34:30,274 I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Peter Jenks... 628 00:34:30,310 --> 00:34:32,482 of the Federal Communications Commission. 629 00:34:32,519 --> 00:34:33,662 OK? 630 00:34:37,604 --> 00:34:38,946 Thank you, Mr. Barris. 631 00:34:52,900 --> 00:34:58,236 I don't know if any of you are aware of this... 632 00:35:00,132 --> 00:35:02,074 but it's a federal offense... 633 00:35:02,115 --> 00:35:04,570 to make lascivious remarks... 634 00:35:04,611 --> 00:35:07,394 on a television network broadcast. 635 00:35:10,947 --> 00:35:12,539 The penalty... 636 00:35:15,587 --> 00:35:17,343 for this disgusting... 637 00:35:20,580 --> 00:35:24,802 un-American... behavior... 638 00:35:24,836 --> 00:35:27,770 is one year in prison... 639 00:35:27,811 --> 00:35:30,429 or a $10,000 fine... 640 00:35:30,467 --> 00:35:32,157 or both. 641 00:35:34,883 --> 00:35:37,087 Anyone... 642 00:35:37,122 --> 00:35:41,016 making a sick subversive remark tonight... 643 00:35:41,057 --> 00:35:43,065 will be arrested immediately. 644 00:35:43,106 --> 00:35:44,731 I, then, will personally escort... 645 00:35:44,770 --> 00:35:46,297 the offender to federal prison... 646 00:35:46,338 --> 00:35:49,120 for booking under edict number 364... 647 00:35:49,153 --> 00:35:52,470 of the Broadcasting Act of 1963. 648 00:35:52,514 --> 00:35:57,085 And it's a long drive to that prison, baby. 649 00:35:57,122 --> 00:35:59,904 Just you and me. 650 00:35:59,937 --> 00:36:02,392 No witnesses: 651 00:36:18,624 --> 00:36:20,512 OK. Have fun. Everybody. 652 00:36:20,545 --> 00:36:21,919 All right. 653 00:36:21,984 --> 00:36:24,799 They gave everybody jackets with their names on them... 654 00:36:24,833 --> 00:36:27,832 and when we got number one ratings on Saturday nights... 655 00:36:27,873 --> 00:36:29,465 everybody got a gold plaque. 656 00:36:29,505 --> 00:36:31,893 And so, he was a good boss... 657 00:36:31,936 --> 00:36:33,691 and obviously had the common touch... 658 00:36:33,728 --> 00:36:36,892 because he really knew what people wanted to watch. 659 00:36:36,928 --> 00:36:39,830 We aired and became a big hit. 660 00:36:39,871 --> 00:36:41,759 A phenomenon really. 661 00:36:41,791 --> 00:36:44,377 Hey, baby. 662 00:36:44,415 --> 00:36:46,553 I got a story to tell you. 663 00:36:46,591 --> 00:36:48,249 - Asshole. - I know, I know. 664 00:36:48,287 --> 00:36:51,135 Uhh. I got a little story for you. 665 00:36:51,168 --> 00:36:52,312 I'm busy. We're in the middle... 666 00:36:52,351 --> 00:36:53,692 of a bachelorette crisis out there. 667 00:36:53,726 --> 00:36:55,188 Sit down, relax. 668 00:36:55,230 --> 00:36:57,685 Take a load off. Make yourself at home. 669 00:36:57,727 --> 00:36:59,069 I just got a call from the network. 670 00:36:59,103 --> 00:37:00,728 - You want a drink? - You got any weed? 671 00:37:00,767 --> 00:37:03,417 I wish. No. No weed. 672 00:37:03,454 --> 00:37:04,698 Then I'll have a drink. 673 00:37:05,694 --> 00:37:07,002 Bad news? 674 00:37:07,038 --> 00:37:09,372 "The Tammy Grimes Show" is being pulled from Saturday night. 675 00:37:09,405 --> 00:37:12,471 - Oh, not Tammy. - Ha ha ha ha. 676 00:37:12,509 --> 00:37:14,002 They want me to put a primetime version... 677 00:37:14,045 --> 00:37:15,833 of "The Dating Game" on in its place. 678 00:37:17,757 --> 00:37:19,960 - That's fucking great. - Yeah, it's great... 679 00:37:19,996 --> 00:37:21,558 but they say the daytime version is not hot enough. 680 00:37:21,598 --> 00:37:23,420 They want me to make it more exciting for nighttime. 681 00:37:23,454 --> 00:37:25,308 I got 48 hours. 682 00:37:26,845 --> 00:37:28,535 What have you got? 683 00:37:30,364 --> 00:37:32,917 I don't have a clue. I got nothing. Bupkus. 684 00:37:32,957 --> 00:37:35,956 Tlis is a big deal. Loretta. My big bneak. 685 00:37:35,997 --> 00:37:39,641 I know. 686 00:37:40,732 --> 00:37:43,547 - Don't blow it. - Oh, thanks for the help. 687 00:38:04,795 --> 00:38:06,355 Let me ask you something, Chuck. 688 00:38:06,394 --> 00:38:09,112 Jesus. What the... What are you doing here? 689 00:38:09,146 --> 00:38:10,455 I've been put in charge... 690 00:38:10,491 --> 00:38:12,399 of a fairly large wet operation... 691 00:38:12,442 --> 00:38:14,646 and I could use your help. 692 00:38:18,266 --> 00:38:19,891 Have you noticed, Jim? I got a TV show on the air. 693 00:38:19,930 --> 00:38:21,587 I don't need to kill people for hire anymore. 694 00:38:21,625 --> 00:38:24,561 I know you don't need to, but you like to. 695 00:38:24,602 --> 00:38:25,977 Bullshit. 696 00:38:26,010 --> 00:38:29,207 Think of it as a hobby... something you do to relax. 697 00:38:29,243 --> 00:38:32,089 You can be an assassination enthusiast... 698 00:38:32,122 --> 00:38:33,169 a murder bug. 699 00:38:33,209 --> 00:38:34,803 I got important things to think about here. 700 00:38:34,842 --> 00:38:36,052 I don't have time to fuck around with you. 701 00:38:36,090 --> 00:38:38,031 This is serious work we're talking about, Chuck... 702 00:38:38,073 --> 00:38:40,146 serious work. 703 00:38:40,185 --> 00:38:42,487 How about I help you out with your little show... 704 00:38:42,521 --> 00:38:44,082 you help me out with my little operation? 705 00:38:44,121 --> 00:38:45,812 Tit for tat. That's the kind of guy I am. 706 00:38:45,849 --> 00:38:48,085 Oh, yeah. You're a piece of work. 707 00:38:48,121 --> 00:38:49,746 I've seen this "Dating Game" of yours, Chuck... 708 00:38:49,785 --> 00:38:51,028 and I do have a thought. 709 00:38:51,065 --> 00:38:53,847 What, now you're a big television producer? 710 00:38:53,880 --> 00:38:56,182 I'm John Q. Public when it comes to TV... 711 00:38:56,217 --> 00:38:59,316 and that should make my opinion of value to you. 712 00:38:59,352 --> 00:39:02,287 All right, let's hear it, then. 713 00:39:02,329 --> 00:39:04,532 What do you have? Some couple gets sent... 714 00:39:04,567 --> 00:39:06,956 to some second-rate shit-can restaurant... 715 00:39:06,999 --> 00:39:08,592 setting you back 50 bucks? 716 00:39:08,631 --> 00:39:09,940 That's not too exciting a prize... 717 00:39:09,975 --> 00:39:12,626 for us vicarious living boobs out in TV land. 718 00:39:12,663 --> 00:39:14,997 - What's your point? - Up the stakes, Chuck. 719 00:39:15,031 --> 00:39:16,787 Send them to some exotic locale... 720 00:39:16,823 --> 00:39:20,336 Europe, Southeast Asia, for example. 721 00:39:21,687 --> 00:39:22,996 The network's not going to let me send... 722 00:39:23,031 --> 00:39:24,723 two unmarried kids on vacation together. 723 00:39:24,760 --> 00:39:26,669 Send them with a chaperone. 724 00:39:29,591 --> 00:39:30,998 That's... 725 00:39:35,479 --> 00:39:36,591 That's not half bad. 726 00:39:36,631 --> 00:39:38,191 I'm telling you. 727 00:39:38,231 --> 00:39:40,946 Sometimes you could be the chaperone. 728 00:39:40,982 --> 00:39:43,219 Say we have a job for you in Austria. 729 00:39:43,254 --> 00:39:46,068 You, a successful television producer... 730 00:39:46,101 --> 00:39:47,345 chaperones a young couple. 731 00:39:47,381 --> 00:39:49,934 While there, you take care of some company business. 732 00:39:49,974 --> 00:39:51,380 It's a perfect cover. 733 00:39:51,413 --> 00:39:54,576 TV producer by day, CIA operative at night. 734 00:39:54,613 --> 00:39:55,693 I got money, Jim. 735 00:39:55,733 --> 00:39:58,319 I don't have to kill people for money anymore. 736 00:39:58,357 --> 00:40:00,113 Chuck, when I said you fit the profile... 737 00:40:00,148 --> 00:40:02,930 very little of that meant you needed the money. 738 00:40:02,964 --> 00:40:06,641 You liked it with Renda. I saw it in your eyes. 739 00:40:06,676 --> 00:40:08,913 You liked it, but you botched it. 740 00:40:11,475 --> 00:40:14,028 You could be a great warrior, Chuck. 741 00:40:14,068 --> 00:40:15,977 Bachelor number three... 742 00:40:16,019 --> 00:40:17,677 if we were fixed up on a date... 743 00:40:17,716 --> 00:40:18,763 and I igroned you... 744 00:40:18,803 --> 00:40:20,908 This guy's never been on a date. 745 00:40:20,948 --> 00:40:22,923 Ready, four. Take four. 746 00:40:22,963 --> 00:40:25,069 Well. I'm not used to being ignored... 747 00:40:25,108 --> 00:40:27,115 but I would... I'd give you your space. 748 00:40:27,156 --> 00:40:29,741 The only date this guy's had is with his right hand. 749 00:40:32,084 --> 00:40:33,392 Ready, one. Take one. 750 00:40:35,571 --> 00:40:39,019 Bachelor number three, what if I pick you... 751 00:40:39,059 --> 00:40:41,579 God. She's going for the three. 752 00:40:41,620 --> 00:40:43,179 Ready, four. Take four. 753 00:40:43,219 --> 00:40:45,106 The only way that you could be ugly... 754 00:40:45,139 --> 00:40:48,106 is by what you say or do. 755 00:40:48,146 --> 00:40:49,641 I don't know. From where I'm sitting... 756 00:40:49,683 --> 00:40:50,610 I think you're beautiful. 757 00:40:50,642 --> 00:40:51,919 I can't believe it. 758 00:40:51,954 --> 00:40:53,329 Bachelor number three... 759 00:40:53,363 --> 00:40:55,020 can you please tell me what a girl is like... 760 00:40:55,059 --> 00:40:56,619 who has never been on a date before... 761 00:40:56,658 --> 00:40:59,211 and how you can tell? 762 00:40:59,250 --> 00:41:03,757 Well... I'll ask her what she likes to do... 763 00:41:03,794 --> 00:41:06,893 and if she doesn't know what she likes to do... 764 00:41:06,929 --> 00:41:08,937 then I'll know she hasn't done it yet. 765 00:41:21,840 --> 00:41:23,815 Why don't you talk to her? 766 00:41:23,857 --> 00:41:28,265 You can do that. She's real shy. 767 00:41:28,305 --> 00:41:30,891 You have to tell her. That's your job. 768 00:41:30,929 --> 00:41:33,679 Tell her that I think she's real pretty... 769 00:41:33,714 --> 00:41:37,062 and I want to be her boyfriend. 770 00:41:37,104 --> 00:41:38,959 I'm shy, too. 771 00:41:38,993 --> 00:41:40,847 You got to tell her that, Chuck. 772 00:41:40,881 --> 00:41:42,255 I used to skate when I was young. 773 00:41:42,289 --> 00:41:44,460 I told her that. She didn't even look at me. 774 00:41:44,496 --> 00:41:46,984 You got to talk to her, Chuck. It's your job. 775 00:41:47,024 --> 00:41:50,734 She picked me, not those other guys. 776 00:41:50,768 --> 00:41:52,459 You're the chaperone, Chuck. 777 00:41:56,623 --> 00:41:58,031 She called me gay. 778 00:41:58,064 --> 00:42:01,260 I'm not gay. You got to tell her that. 779 00:42:01,295 --> 00:42:03,401 You're not doing your job very well. 780 00:42:03,439 --> 00:42:04,933 I mean, I know it takes time... 781 00:42:04,975 --> 00:42:06,284 for people to get to know each other... 782 00:42:06,319 --> 00:42:08,740 but this is ridiculous. 783 00:42:08,782 --> 00:42:11,650 They thought he was... 784 00:42:11,694 --> 00:42:13,734 They sort of walked a straight line... 785 00:42:13,774 --> 00:42:15,716 because they used to talk about him... 786 00:42:15,757 --> 00:42:18,026 saying, you know, "This guy, he can turn on you". 787 00:42:18,062 --> 00:42:20,166 You know, and I never saw that side... 788 00:42:20,204 --> 00:42:23,587 but a lot of the crew thought he could turn on them. 789 00:42:23,630 --> 00:42:25,517 Chuck? 790 00:42:29,390 --> 00:42:33,099 Helsinki is wonderful this time of year. 791 00:42:33,133 --> 00:42:36,297 Especially the snow. 792 00:42:36,333 --> 00:42:38,667 It affords one solitude... 793 00:42:38,701 --> 00:42:40,872 even in a city full of people. 794 00:42:53,581 --> 00:42:57,409 Excuse me. Is this seat taken? 795 00:42:57,451 --> 00:42:58,859 By you. 796 00:43:05,291 --> 00:43:08,870 Helsinki is wonderful this time of year, isn't it? 797 00:43:08,907 --> 00:43:10,565 Yes, it is. 798 00:43:17,483 --> 00:43:20,265 Oh, I'm sorry. Um... 799 00:43:29,387 --> 00:43:30,729 Excuse me. 800 00:43:42,762 --> 00:43:46,657 Helsinki is wonderful this time of year, isn't it? 801 00:43:46,698 --> 00:43:49,926 Especially the snow. It affords one solitude... 802 00:43:49,962 --> 00:43:51,750 even in a city full of people. 803 00:43:51,786 --> 00:43:53,215 Hey... 804 00:43:55,530 --> 00:43:57,504 I'm Chuck. Ahem. 805 00:43:57,546 --> 00:44:00,262 So I gathered. 806 00:44:00,296 --> 00:44:01,758 And you are? 807 00:44:03,657 --> 00:44:05,250 Here you are, Chuck. 808 00:44:07,688 --> 00:44:09,663 At least give me a made-up name... 809 00:44:09,705 --> 00:44:12,192 something for me to cry out... 810 00:44:12,233 --> 00:44:14,981 during those dark nights of the soul. 811 00:44:18,376 --> 00:44:20,710 Cry out, "Olivia". 812 00:44:21,832 --> 00:44:24,068 That's "Twelfth Night". 813 00:44:24,103 --> 00:44:26,308 Very good, Chuck. 814 00:44:26,344 --> 00:44:29,159 I'm pleasantly surprised. 815 00:44:29,192 --> 00:44:32,541 You're not like the other murderers. 816 00:44:48,006 --> 00:44:50,046 Here. 817 00:44:50,087 --> 00:44:51,396 Do you have it? 818 00:44:51,430 --> 00:44:54,179 - Do you have it? - Oh, sorry. 819 00:44:59,461 --> 00:45:00,868 Don't worry. We're not going to cheat you. 820 00:45:00,902 --> 00:45:02,756 Yeah. Just the same. 821 00:45:02,789 --> 00:45:04,894 - Unh. - Sorry about your teeth. 822 00:45:19,236 --> 00:45:20,349 Chuck? 823 00:45:24,772 --> 00:45:26,265 Chuck? 824 00:46:07,395 --> 00:46:08,922 Olivia? 825 00:46:13,378 --> 00:46:16,607 It's Patricia, actually. 826 00:46:16,642 --> 00:46:18,911 So. Then I spent a year in Operation: Chaos... 827 00:46:18,946 --> 00:46:20,800 inside the anti-war movement... 828 00:46:20,834 --> 00:46:23,998 nudging it towards violence to discredit it. 829 00:46:24,033 --> 00:46:25,211 That was fun. 830 00:46:25,249 --> 00:46:28,544 It sounds fun. 831 00:46:28,576 --> 00:46:32,768 So, tell me, Patricia, why did you come here tonight? 832 00:46:34,018 --> 00:46:35,392 Ahem. 833 00:46:35,426 --> 00:46:37,847 I don't know. 834 00:46:37,889 --> 00:46:41,850 You're kind of cute in a homely sort of way, and... 835 00:46:44,161 --> 00:46:46,233 It's lonely when the civilian you're fucking... 836 00:46:46,273 --> 00:46:48,826 calls out the name on your fake passport. 837 00:46:48,865 --> 00:46:50,938 All the information I have about myself... 838 00:46:50,977 --> 00:46:53,879 is from forged documents. 839 00:46:56,512 --> 00:46:57,886 Nabokov. 840 00:47:29,565 --> 00:47:30,841 Wait, wait. 841 00:47:30,877 --> 00:47:33,812 I got to go into the bathroom and take care of something. 842 00:47:35,518 --> 00:47:37,492 Leave the microfilm in, baby. 843 00:47:50,557 --> 00:47:54,201 Do you know when my episode is going to air? 844 00:47:54,237 --> 00:47:57,815 OK. See you, Chuck. Bye. 845 00:47:57,852 --> 00:47:59,608 Chuck. this is Simon Oliver. 846 00:47:59,645 --> 00:48:02,263 Everything go OK? You don't look too good. 847 00:48:02,300 --> 00:48:05,530 Mr. Barris, do not ever again jeopardize one of my missions... 848 00:48:05,564 --> 00:48:08,281 by having a game show contestant standing around as a witness. 849 00:48:08,316 --> 00:48:10,203 - Is that understood? - You're welcome, pal. 850 00:48:10,236 --> 00:48:11,545 Do I make myself clear? 851 00:48:11,581 --> 00:48:13,435 Fuck you. They're my contestants. 852 00:48:13,468 --> 00:48:15,191 You are a bloody amateur. 853 00:48:15,228 --> 00:48:16,754 - You're a faggot. - Chuck. 854 00:48:16,795 --> 00:48:18,803 Tell me. Mr. Barris. 855 00:48:18,844 --> 00:48:20,502 Are you in possession of my microfilm? 856 00:48:20,539 --> 00:48:22,514 - Yeah, I got it. - Let's have it, then. 857 00:48:22,555 --> 00:48:25,271 It's up my ass, Oliver. Why don't you get it? 858 00:48:25,307 --> 00:48:27,030 What is this shit? 859 00:48:27,067 --> 00:48:30,644 I deserve a little appreciation for my efforts here, Jim. 860 00:48:30,683 --> 00:48:34,099 What do you think Patricia Watson was? 861 00:48:38,460 --> 00:48:40,696 Prick. 862 00:48:40,732 --> 00:48:42,139 Really? OK. 863 00:48:42,170 --> 00:48:44,113 He said he dated none of them. That's right. 864 00:48:48,091 --> 00:48:51,800 - Sandra? - Umm. Six of them. 865 00:48:51,835 --> 00:48:54,169 Well, if it isn't the hit man. 866 00:48:54,202 --> 00:48:57,748 - What? - The hit man. 867 00:48:57,786 --> 00:48:59,924 Surprise. 868 00:49:02,234 --> 00:49:04,089 ABC's going to pick up "The Newlywed Game". 869 00:49:04,122 --> 00:49:05,049 Daytime and primetime. 870 00:49:05,082 --> 00:49:06,391 You're kidding me. Oh, my God. 871 00:49:06,426 --> 00:49:09,425 That's sensational. You mean it? Fantastic. 872 00:49:09,466 --> 00:49:10,872 Whoo. 873 00:49:10,904 --> 00:49:13,523 OK. Lene's the last of our five-point questions. 874 00:49:13,561 --> 00:49:15,536 Girls, tell me where, Specifically... 875 00:49:15,577 --> 00:49:19,701 is the weirdest place that you personally girls... 876 00:49:19,737 --> 00:49:23,033 have ever gotten the urge to make whoopee. 877 00:49:23,064 --> 00:49:26,643 The weirdest place. Olga? 878 00:49:26,681 --> 00:49:28,371 Um... 879 00:49:31,832 --> 00:49:33,174 Yes. Olga? 880 00:49:34,681 --> 00:49:36,405 In the ass? 881 00:49:38,360 --> 00:49:40,881 No, no, no. No, the... 882 00:49:40,920 --> 00:49:42,097 It's still there. 883 00:49:42,136 --> 00:49:43,565 No. No. What I'm talking about... 884 00:49:43,608 --> 00:49:46,805 is the weirdest location. the weirdest place. Yeah. 885 00:49:46,840 --> 00:49:49,228 I don't know. 886 00:49:53,591 --> 00:49:54,737 Oh: 887 00:49:55,735 --> 00:49:59,247 Olga... 888 00:49:59,286 --> 00:50:01,425 Olga. The word is the location of place. 889 00:50:01,463 --> 00:50:02,673 You know what I mean? 890 00:50:02,741 --> 00:50:17,555 # Mucha muchacha # 891 00:50:17,590 --> 00:50:20,011 # Ba ba ba ba baile # 892 00:50:28,693 --> 00:50:30,896 # Ba # 893 00:50:30,932 --> 00:50:35,181 # Ah # 894 00:50:35,221 --> 00:50:37,709 # Ba ba ba ba ba-ba-ba # 895 00:50:37,749 --> 00:50:39,637 # Ra pa pa na pa ba na pa # 896 00:50:39,669 --> 00:50:41,971 # Ra pa pa na pa ba na pa # 897 00:50:42,004 --> 00:50:43,914 # Ra pa pa na pa ba na pa # 898 00:50:43,957 --> 00:50:46,346 # Ra pa na pa ba na pa # 899 00:50:46,389 --> 00:50:50,633 # Ra pa pa na pa ba na pa # 900 00:50:52,020 --> 00:50:53,449 I liked Penny. 901 00:50:53,492 --> 00:50:55,947 I even loved her. In my way. 902 00:50:55,988 --> 00:50:58,606 But the idea of tying myself down... 903 00:50:58,644 --> 00:51:01,808 for the rest of my life... 904 00:51:01,844 --> 00:51:04,779 I remember my parents' marriage. 905 00:51:04,820 --> 00:51:06,576 We need a new icebox. 906 00:51:29,266 --> 00:51:31,207 Ooh... 907 00:51:33,074 --> 00:51:34,350 "The Newlywed Game"... 908 00:51:34,386 --> 00:51:36,775 was based on my theory that almost any American... 909 00:51:36,818 --> 00:51:39,688 would sell out their spouse for a washer, dryer... 910 00:51:39,731 --> 00:51:42,000 or a lawn mower you can ride on. 911 00:51:42,034 --> 00:51:46,289 Such was my respect for that most holy of unions. 912 00:51:47,474 --> 00:51:49,863 - "Interpet". - Interpret. 913 00:51:49,905 --> 00:51:53,037 Oh. Do you have an extra "R" I can borrow? 914 00:51:53,074 --> 00:51:54,568 I'm not going to give you a letter. 915 00:51:54,609 --> 00:51:56,584 You're lucky I don't make you forfeit a turn. 916 00:51:56,625 --> 00:51:58,697 Oh, OK. 917 00:51:58,737 --> 00:52:00,199 You look cute today, Pen. 918 00:52:00,241 --> 00:52:03,688 I always look cute. Don't distract me. 919 00:52:06,608 --> 00:52:07,885 What was I going to say? 920 00:52:07,920 --> 00:52:10,190 I don't know. What were you going to say? 921 00:52:14,864 --> 00:52:17,765 I think we should get married... 922 00:52:17,808 --> 00:52:19,848 because we've known each other forever... 923 00:52:19,888 --> 00:52:22,309 and we've fucked each other forever. 924 00:52:22,351 --> 00:52:25,962 And you think I'm cute, you just said. 925 00:52:25,999 --> 00:52:28,519 And you always come to me when you're in trouble... 926 00:52:28,559 --> 00:52:30,893 and I'm nothing like your mother... 927 00:52:30,926 --> 00:52:32,836 What does that mean? What is that? 928 00:52:34,894 --> 00:52:37,612 I'm just kidding. 929 00:52:37,647 --> 00:52:39,653 Don't ask me to marry you again, OK? 930 00:52:39,694 --> 00:52:42,510 # I don't use a knife # 931 00:52:42,543 --> 00:52:44,398 # Don't need a gun # 932 00:52:45,582 --> 00:52:47,589 I couldn't breathe. 933 00:52:47,630 --> 00:52:49,572 I was drowning. 934 00:52:49,614 --> 00:52:52,910 And what the fuck did my mother have to do with it? 935 00:52:52,943 --> 00:52:55,081 So I made a call. 936 00:53:15,756 --> 00:53:18,123 Over hene, strawberry dick. 937 00:53:25,740 --> 00:53:27,115 How do you know those things? 938 00:53:27,149 --> 00:53:29,515 We know what she actually thought it tasted like. 939 00:53:29,548 --> 00:53:31,434 Really? I could never find that out. 940 00:53:31,467 --> 00:53:34,533 That's on a need-to-know basis. 941 00:53:34,571 --> 00:53:36,360 What can I do for you? 942 00:53:36,395 --> 00:53:38,284 I really need something, Jim. 943 00:53:38,316 --> 00:53:40,204 I need something for my head. 944 00:53:44,652 --> 00:53:46,375 I got something for your head. 945 00:53:49,420 --> 00:53:50,979 And you'ne going on your date... 946 00:53:51,019 --> 00:53:54,881 to fabulous West Berlin. Germany. 947 00:54:17,066 --> 00:54:19,073 The name's Hans Colbert. 948 00:54:19,113 --> 00:54:21,023 Other side of the wall. 949 00:54:21,066 --> 00:54:23,073 We don't like him very much. 950 00:54:23,114 --> 00:54:25,732 You'll be working with a kraut named Keeler. 951 00:54:25,768 --> 00:54:27,525 He's been tailing Colbert fon a month. 952 00:54:27,562 --> 00:54:29,503 Knows the routine. Keeler's a drunk... 953 00:54:29,545 --> 00:54:32,479 so stay sober and take charge. 954 00:54:32,521 --> 00:54:35,271 It's done and done. 955 00:54:37,865 --> 00:54:40,255 Kill for me, baby. 956 00:56:08,291 --> 00:56:10,234 What are you writing, Sieg? 957 00:56:14,084 --> 00:56:16,833 Just keeping track of anything that happens in the... 958 00:56:23,428 --> 00:56:25,500 Ah. 959 00:56:41,156 --> 00:56:42,366 Ja. 960 00:56:42,403 --> 00:56:43,777 That's him. 961 00:56:46,051 --> 00:56:48,090 Too many people. 962 00:57:11,297 --> 00:57:13,981 Chuck. Chuck. 963 00:57:14,017 --> 00:57:16,984 - All right. - Take the camera. 964 00:57:17,025 --> 00:57:18,814 What is this? 965 00:57:18,849 --> 00:57:19,994 Aah. 966 00:57:21,056 --> 00:57:22,136 What the... 967 00:57:28,096 --> 00:57:30,551 - Take a picture. - Take a what? 968 00:57:30,591 --> 00:57:31,736 Take a picture. 969 00:57:33,696 --> 00:57:36,313 Picture. Come on. 970 00:57:36,350 --> 00:57:37,976 Take a picture. 971 00:57:41,918 --> 00:57:44,025 Danke schon. 972 00:59:00,571 --> 00:59:03,833 He would disappear for a week or so at a time... 973 00:59:03,868 --> 00:59:05,755 and his secretary would just say he's out of town. 974 00:59:05,788 --> 00:59:07,675 We didn't know where he went, so... 975 00:59:07,707 --> 00:59:10,074 I don't know whether it's true or not. 976 00:59:10,108 --> 00:59:11,831 I... I couldn't say. 977 00:59:29,721 --> 00:59:32,241 The only reason the KGB didn't kill me... 978 00:59:32,282 --> 00:59:33,940 was they needed me... 979 00:59:33,977 --> 00:59:36,398 to trade for one of their Russian agents. 980 00:59:48,410 --> 00:59:51,257 I promised myself if I got out of this... 981 00:59:51,290 --> 00:59:53,679 I'd live my life differently. 982 00:59:53,721 --> 00:59:57,682 I'd throw myself into work, into life. 983 00:59:57,721 --> 01:00:02,357 Penny. I needed to see Penny again. 984 01:00:02,392 --> 01:00:05,524 And tell Byrd I'm out... for good. 985 01:00:07,480 --> 01:00:10,993 If I could just make it past this one last man... 986 01:00:11,032 --> 01:00:14,709 this one... last... 987 01:00:31,799 --> 01:00:34,165 I don't know what was worse... 988 01:00:34,198 --> 01:00:38,453 that I was duped by that fat fucking bachelor... 989 01:00:38,486 --> 01:00:41,966 or that it took seven of us to replace him. 990 01:00:49,045 --> 01:00:50,606 You're still in one piece? 991 01:00:50,647 --> 01:00:52,304 Where the fuck you been? 992 01:00:52,342 --> 01:00:53,618 Did you have a nice flight? 993 01:00:53,654 --> 01:00:56,336 Fuck you. Where you been? I got one contact, Jim... 994 01:00:56,373 --> 01:00:58,260 and it's you, and if you disappear, I got no one. 995 01:00:58,293 --> 01:00:59,276 You understand? 996 01:01:00,758 --> 01:01:03,606 # I tip my hat to the new constitution # 997 01:01:03,638 --> 01:01:06,954 # Take a bow for 998 01:01:06,997 --> 01:01:10,259 # Smile and grin at the change all around me # 999 01:01:10,293 --> 01:01:13,773 # Pick up my guitar and play # 1000 01:01:13,813 --> 01:01:16,911 # Just like yesterday # 1001 01:01:16,949 --> 01:01:20,429 # Then I get on my knees and pray # 1002 01:01:23,828 --> 01:01:26,926 # We don't get fooled again # 1003 01:01:26,964 --> 01:01:28,338 # No. No. # 1004 01:01:30,932 --> 01:01:33,233 # If I had a hammer # 1005 01:01:33,267 --> 01:01:36,399 # I'd a hammer in the morning # 1006 01:01:36,435 --> 01:01:38,507 # I'd a hammer in the evening # 1007 01:01:38,547 --> 01:01:42,028 - She's good, huh? - She's very good. Mery good. 1008 01:01:42,067 --> 01:01:43,441 That's great. 1009 01:01:43,475 --> 01:01:44,849 That's fine. Thank you so much. 1010 01:01:44,883 --> 01:01:46,574 But I can sing the whole song. 1011 01:01:46,612 --> 01:01:47,953 That was wonderful. Great. 1012 01:01:47,988 --> 01:01:49,711 That was enough. That was fine. 1013 01:01:49,748 --> 01:01:52,496 All right. Bring in the next thing. 1014 01:01:52,531 --> 01:01:54,670 Christ, there's gotta be somebody in America... 1015 01:01:54,708 --> 01:01:57,554 with some talent. Hi. 1016 01:01:57,587 --> 01:02:01,132 Now. I saw her in a little club. 1017 01:02:01,171 --> 01:02:02,830 You'ne gonna love her. 1018 01:02:06,931 --> 01:02:09,712 # If I had a hammer # 1019 01:02:09,746 --> 01:02:12,943 # I'd hammer in the morning # 1020 01:02:12,978 --> 01:02:16,109 # I'd hammer in the evening # 1021 01:02:16,146 --> 01:02:19,080 # All over this land # 1022 01:02:19,122 --> 01:02:22,635 # I'd hammer out danger # 1023 01:02:22,673 --> 01:02:25,487 # I'd hammer out a warning # 1024 01:02:25,521 --> 01:02:28,817 # I'd hammer out love between # 1025 01:02:28,849 --> 01:02:31,238 # My brothers and my sisters # 1026 01:02:31,281 --> 01:02:34,760 # All over this land # 1027 01:02:39,632 --> 01:02:42,533 # All over this land # 1028 01:02:45,199 --> 01:02:46,443 # If I were a... # 1029 01:02:46,479 --> 01:02:49,828 - Oh, no, thank you. - That's great. Fantastic. 1030 01:02:52,240 --> 01:02:54,759 That was great. We'll be in touch. 1031 01:02:54,799 --> 01:02:56,043 Thank you. Thank you. 1032 01:02:56,079 --> 01:02:57,989 We've been going about this all wrong. 1033 01:02:58,031 --> 01:03:00,038 Rather than killing ourselves trying to find good acts... 1034 01:03:00,080 --> 01:03:01,967 we just put bad ones and kill them. 1035 01:03:02,000 --> 01:03:03,690 Chuck, honestly, this... and I know you like them... 1036 01:03:03,728 --> 01:03:04,840 this is torture. 1037 01:03:04,879 --> 01:03:07,181 No, no, no. We kill 'em before they're through. 1038 01:03:07,215 --> 01:03:09,103 As soon as it gets unbearable... 1039 01:03:09,135 --> 01:03:10,564 we kill 'em... dead. 1040 01:03:13,615 --> 01:03:16,200 Ladies and gentlemen, this act... 1041 01:03:16,238 --> 01:03:19,337 Ah. Oh, this is so good. I love this, man. 1042 01:03:19,374 --> 01:03:22,854 This next act answers the age-old question: 1043 01:03:22,893 --> 01:03:26,407 If you wear a cellophane... if you... 1044 01:03:26,445 --> 01:03:27,493 Whish. OK. 1045 01:03:28,814 --> 01:03:32,587 If you wear... ha ha... a cellophane suit... 1046 01:03:32,621 --> 01:03:35,970 can people clearly see you're nuts? 1047 01:03:36,014 --> 01:03:38,860 I don't know. A little humor, folks. 1048 01:03:38,893 --> 01:03:41,381 All the way from Pacoima... 1049 01:03:41,421 --> 01:03:43,363 Mick Donnelly. 1050 01:03:47,629 --> 01:03:51,012 # Raindrops keep falling on my head # 1051 01:03:51,053 --> 01:03:52,548 # Just like the guy # 1052 01:03:52,590 --> 01:03:55,589 # Whose feet are too big for his bed # 1053 01:03:55,629 --> 01:03:58,116 # Nothin' seems to fit those # 1054 01:03:58,157 --> 01:04:00,043 # Raindrops are fallin' on my head # 1055 01:04:00,076 --> 01:04:02,215 # They keep fallin' # 1056 01:04:02,252 --> 01:04:06,693 # So I just did me some talkin' to the sun # 1057 01:04:06,732 --> 01:04:08,674 # And I said I didn't like # 1058 01:04:08,715 --> 01:04:11,082 # The way he got things done # 1059 01:04:11,116 --> 01:04:14,115 # Sleepin' on the job. those... # 1060 01:04:14,156 --> 01:04:16,709 Who could have known there were so many Americans... 1061 01:04:16,747 --> 01:04:19,649 just waiting for tle opportunity to get on TV... 1062 01:04:19,691 --> 01:04:22,474 and make an ass out of themselves? 1063 01:04:22,507 --> 01:04:24,067 # Raindnrops keep fallin' on my head # 1064 01:04:24,107 --> 01:04:25,995 # But that doesn't mean my eyes # 1065 01:04:26,027 --> 01:04:27,849 # Will soon be turnin' red # 1066 01:04:29,355 --> 01:04:31,111 # Cryin's not for me. 'cause # 1067 01:04:31,146 --> 01:04:35,107 # I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin' # 1068 01:04:35,146 --> 01:04:36,771 # Because I'mm... # 1069 01:04:39,275 --> 01:04:43,748 We'll be back with more stuff... 1070 01:04:43,786 --> 01:04:45,761 right after this message. 1071 01:04:49,129 --> 01:04:51,138 You know what the sad part about it is... 1072 01:04:51,179 --> 01:04:52,585 Barris has a reputation... 1073 01:04:52,618 --> 01:04:54,505 for lowering the bar of television... 1074 01:04:54,538 --> 01:04:56,392 and the standards and all... 1075 01:04:56,426 --> 01:04:58,629 but he had a great feel for what people wanted... 1076 01:04:58,666 --> 01:05:00,771 and he couldn't take the criticism. 1077 01:05:00,810 --> 01:05:04,257 Things started to evolve pretty quickly. 1078 01:05:04,297 --> 01:05:06,532 The show was gaining momentum... 1079 01:05:06,568 --> 01:05:10,343 and I was becomming the one thing I didn't expect... 1080 01:05:10,376 --> 01:05:11,871 famous. 1081 01:05:11,913 --> 01:05:14,433 - You're Chuck Barris, right? - Yeah. 1082 01:05:14,472 --> 01:05:16,294 "The Gong Show". I love that show. 1083 01:05:16,327 --> 01:05:17,789 Thanks. 1084 01:06:15,589 --> 01:06:18,299 Hi. 1085 01:06:18,342 --> 01:06:20,862 I thought that was you. 1086 01:06:20,901 --> 01:06:23,683 Yeah... it's me. 1087 01:06:25,925 --> 01:06:29,241 Well, I'm glad to meet you. I've seen "The Gong Show". 1088 01:06:29,285 --> 01:06:31,107 Oh. Yeah, well... 1089 01:06:32,356 --> 01:06:34,560 I think you're the most insidious, despicable force... 1090 01:06:34,596 --> 01:06:36,190 in entertainment today. 1091 01:06:38,468 --> 01:06:40,769 How dare you subject the rest of the world... 1092 01:06:40,804 --> 01:06:43,357 to your loathsome views of humanity? 1093 01:06:43,396 --> 01:06:45,185 Yeah... I don't think it's that loathsome. 1094 01:06:45,220 --> 01:06:47,130 What is it, then? 1095 01:06:47,172 --> 01:06:48,732 To mock some poor lonely people... 1096 01:06:48,771 --> 01:06:51,456 who are just craving a little attention in their lives... 1097 01:06:51,493 --> 01:06:53,282 to destroy them? 1098 01:06:53,317 --> 01:06:55,389 I mean, they're still people. 1099 01:06:55,428 --> 01:06:58,242 They still deserve a little respect and compassion. 1100 01:07:00,067 --> 01:07:01,595 Who the hell are you... 1101 01:07:01,636 --> 01:07:03,424 and what the fuck have you ever done... 1102 01:07:03,460 --> 01:07:05,980 to elevate yourself among the pathetic masses? 1103 01:07:07,491 --> 01:07:10,241 Oh, that's right. You created "The Dating Game". 1104 01:07:10,276 --> 01:07:11,585 Wow. 1105 01:07:13,122 --> 01:07:15,675 That's right up there with the Sistine Chapel. 1106 01:07:19,683 --> 01:07:21,854 Ladies and gentlemen... 1107 01:07:21,891 --> 01:07:24,257 it wouldn't surprise me to see this next act... 1108 01:07:25,570 --> 01:07:26,977 Whoo. 1109 01:07:27,010 --> 01:07:28,733 That means... 1110 01:07:28,770 --> 01:07:33,243 it's Gene Gene, the Dancing Machine... 1111 01:07:33,281 --> 01:07:36,281 and just in time: 1112 01:07:58,240 --> 01:07:59,647 He represents more... 1113 01:07:59,680 --> 01:08:01,752 than just the decline of quality television. 1114 01:08:01,792 --> 01:08:04,213 In my opinion. Chuck Barris will do more harm... 1115 01:08:04,255 --> 01:08:07,158 to our society than people seem to realize. 1116 01:08:07,199 --> 01:08:08,891 Line one's for you, Chuck. 1117 01:08:08,928 --> 01:08:10,586 - Who is it? - Some guy. 1118 01:08:10,623 --> 01:08:13,470 He says he's a friend of yours from Berlin. 1119 01:08:27,550 --> 01:08:28,630 Hello. 1120 01:08:28,670 --> 01:08:30,426 Very gutsy, my neighbor. 1121 01:08:30,462 --> 01:08:33,462 I guess you heard about Oliver. 1122 01:08:33,502 --> 01:08:35,226 Someone changed sides. 1123 01:08:37,054 --> 01:08:38,297 What was so urgent? 1124 01:08:42,621 --> 01:08:44,629 I was wondering. you wanna grab a bite? 1125 01:08:44,670 --> 01:08:46,262 I'm in town for a day. 1126 01:08:46,301 --> 01:08:48,689 Now, assassins don't fraternize. 1127 01:08:48,733 --> 01:08:50,424 That Keeler was calling me... 1128 01:08:50,462 --> 01:08:52,348 could mean it was my turn to get hit. 1129 01:08:52,381 --> 01:08:56,375 I would take him somewhere where I knew I would be safe. 1130 01:08:58,462 --> 01:09:00,022 How's show biz? 1131 01:09:00,062 --> 01:09:01,785 Well, it's hit and miss. 1132 01:09:01,821 --> 01:09:04,603 I got a new show called "Operation: Entertainment"... 1133 01:09:04,637 --> 01:09:07,003 which I believe is really, really gonna kill. 1134 01:09:07,037 --> 01:09:09,720 It's sort of a Bob Hope visiting the troops thing... 1135 01:09:09,757 --> 01:09:11,186 but it's weekly. 1136 01:09:11,229 --> 01:09:13,269 Instead of Bob Hope, it's like Flip Wilson... 1137 01:09:13,309 --> 01:09:15,481 Chuck. Tch. 1138 01:09:15,517 --> 01:09:18,036 Why do you do what you do? 1139 01:09:18,076 --> 01:09:19,221 Hmm? 1140 01:09:19,260 --> 01:09:23,700 I like to think that I bring joy and laughter... 1141 01:09:23,740 --> 01:09:25,234 to millions of people. 1142 01:09:25,277 --> 01:09:27,163 It's a very important thing, I think... 1143 01:09:27,196 --> 01:09:28,440 in these difficult times. 1144 01:09:28,475 --> 01:09:31,475 I'm not saying the show is as good as it can be yet... 1145 01:09:31,515 --> 01:09:32,596 but, uh... 1146 01:09:32,635 --> 01:09:34,196 No. No. 1147 01:09:34,235 --> 01:09:37,432 Why do we do what we do? 1148 01:09:38,939 --> 01:09:41,110 Hmm? Comme on. 1149 01:09:42,331 --> 01:09:45,626 I got my feet wet in World War II. 1150 01:09:45,658 --> 01:09:48,560 Germany. 1151 01:09:48,602 --> 01:09:52,596 The pleasure of killing was exhilarating. 1152 01:09:52,634 --> 01:09:54,806 Later in life, I... 1153 01:09:54,844 --> 01:09:59,317 couldn't find a place to fill that void... 1154 01:09:59,355 --> 01:10:02,616 to get that same rush of energy. 1155 01:10:02,650 --> 01:10:04,920 So I started up my own business. 1156 01:10:04,954 --> 01:10:08,215 Gentlemen. Are you ready to order? 1157 01:10:08,250 --> 01:10:10,518 I'll have a green salad, no dressing. 1158 01:10:10,553 --> 01:10:12,015 And for you, sir? 1159 01:10:12,057 --> 01:10:14,000 Can I get a steak? Rare. 1160 01:10:14,042 --> 01:10:15,318 Thank you. 1161 01:10:17,721 --> 01:10:19,925 Let me read you something. 1162 01:10:20,984 --> 01:10:24,213 "Whatsoever your hand finds to do... 1163 01:10:24,249 --> 01:10:26,158 do it gladly... 1164 01:10:26,201 --> 01:10:29,997 because there is no work, love, knowledge... 1165 01:10:30,040 --> 01:10:32,047 or wisdom in the grave". 1166 01:10:32,088 --> 01:10:34,160 Who is that, Carlyle? 1167 01:10:34,201 --> 01:10:38,324 No, it's the Old Testament. 1168 01:10:39,991 --> 01:10:41,399 It's God. 1169 01:10:41,431 --> 01:10:43,569 It's amazing you should quote him. 1170 01:10:43,607 --> 01:10:45,036 He's my hero. 1171 01:10:49,207 --> 01:10:54,509 Killing my first man... 1172 01:10:54,551 --> 01:10:57,781 was like making love to my first woman. 1173 01:10:59,223 --> 01:11:03,413 I remember every little detail... 1174 01:11:03,448 --> 01:11:05,968 the smell of his hair... 1175 01:11:06,006 --> 01:11:08,461 ice on the window... 1176 01:11:08,503 --> 01:11:10,412 wallpaper. 1177 01:11:11,959 --> 01:11:15,340 It's like entering a different time zone. 1178 01:11:15,383 --> 01:11:18,382 You're becoming an outsider... 1179 01:11:18,422 --> 01:11:20,788 isolating yourself. 1180 01:11:20,822 --> 01:11:23,189 You're condemned. 1181 01:11:24,406 --> 01:11:25,682 Condemned? 1182 01:11:25,718 --> 01:11:28,619 You have become... 1183 01:11:28,662 --> 01:11:32,458 their sadness. And... 1184 01:11:32,502 --> 01:11:35,022 live in a diffenent state of mind. 1185 01:11:39,445 --> 01:11:41,583 Ladies and gentlemen... 1186 01:11:41,620 --> 01:11:43,889 the host of "The Gong Show"... 1187 01:11:45,300 --> 01:11:46,510 Chuck Barris. 1188 01:11:46,549 --> 01:11:48,850 It's good to see you, Sieg. 1189 01:11:48,884 --> 01:11:51,469 Yeah. It'll be all right. 1190 01:11:53,140 --> 01:11:54,416 It'll be all right. 1191 01:11:54,452 --> 01:11:56,044 # Happy birthday # 1192 01:11:56,084 --> 01:11:57,361 I think. 1193 01:11:57,397 --> 01:11:59,120 # To you # 1194 01:11:59,156 --> 01:12:01,459 # Happy birthday # 1195 01:12:01,493 --> 01:12:04,362 # Dear Chuckie # 1196 01:12:04,404 --> 01:12:06,738 # Happy birthday # 1197 01:12:06,772 --> 01:12:08,876 # To you # 1198 01:12:14,484 --> 01:12:16,818 Is that right? 1199 01:12:16,851 --> 01:12:20,300 Yeah. That's real good. 1200 01:12:20,340 --> 01:12:22,030 That's real good. 1201 01:12:22,068 --> 01:12:25,643 So what's wrong, Chuck? Are you OK? 1202 01:12:25,683 --> 01:12:27,691 Yeah, I'm OK. 1203 01:12:27,732 --> 01:12:31,888 A guy I know killed himself last night. 1204 01:12:41,490 --> 01:12:43,529 A guy I know killed himself. 1205 01:12:50,480 --> 01:12:53,197 - Who was he? - You don't know him. 1206 01:12:53,233 --> 01:12:55,850 He's a stagehand. 1207 01:12:57,809 --> 01:12:59,336 Why did he do it? 1208 01:13:02,000 --> 01:13:04,488 He didn't like his work anymore. 1209 01:13:04,528 --> 01:13:06,568 - Thanks. - Thanks. 1210 01:13:06,609 --> 01:13:09,096 Is being a stagehand really, really bad? 1211 01:13:09,137 --> 01:13:11,111 Yeah, it's pretty bad. 1212 01:13:25,807 --> 01:13:27,017 Hello? 1213 01:13:27,055 --> 01:13:30,219 You were supposed to meet me at the Palm two hours ago. 1214 01:13:30,255 --> 01:13:32,328 - Oh, fuck, I forgot. - You forgot. Really? 1215 01:13:32,367 --> 01:13:35,050 - Keeler's dead. Did you know? - Yeah, I heard. 1216 01:13:35,086 --> 01:13:37,770 - What did you hear? - I heard he took himself out. 1217 01:13:37,807 --> 01:13:39,630 Is that right? Did Byrd tell you that? 1218 01:13:39,663 --> 01:13:42,248 He said he was depressed. I was gonna tell you, but... Hey. 1219 01:13:42,286 --> 01:13:43,496 Who is this? 1220 01:13:43,534 --> 01:13:45,127 I don't get stood up. Do you understand? 1221 01:13:45,167 --> 01:13:46,181 Fun. Excuse me. 1222 01:13:47,662 --> 01:13:52,036 So glad... Penny. Patricia. How'd you find me? 1223 01:13:52,077 --> 01:13:54,761 Are you serious? This is what I do for a living. 1224 01:13:54,798 --> 01:13:56,291 What does she mean? 1225 01:13:56,333 --> 01:13:58,025 You're dead in my book, strawberry dick. 1226 01:13:58,062 --> 01:14:01,030 - Strawberry dick? - I'll see you around. 1227 01:14:01,071 --> 01:14:04,419 Nice to meet you, Penny. I've heard a lot about you. 1228 01:14:04,462 --> 01:14:07,495 Why don't you stay for a cocktail? 1229 01:14:07,534 --> 01:14:08,711 Penny... 1230 01:14:08,750 --> 01:14:12,099 And... and... you know, man... 1231 01:14:12,141 --> 01:14:15,785 I'm giving you one more chance. Get it? 1232 01:14:15,821 --> 01:14:18,505 Fuck. 1233 01:14:19,821 --> 01:14:21,131 Thank you, ladies and gentlemmen. 1234 01:14:26,924 --> 01:14:34,049 # Wise men say # 1235 01:14:34,092 --> 01:14:36,743 # Only fools # 1236 01:14:36,780 --> 01:14:42,246 # Rush in # 1237 01:14:42,283 --> 01:14:48,131 # But I can't help # 1238 01:14:48,171 --> 01:14:51,881 # Falling in love # 1239 01:14:51,915 --> 01:14:58,112 # With you # 1240 01:14:58,155 --> 01:15:05,063 # Take my hand # 1241 01:15:05,100 --> 01:15:09,410 # Take my whole life # 1242 01:15:09,452 --> 01:15:13,313 # Too # 1243 01:15:13,354 --> 01:15:19,137 # For I can't help # 1244 01:15:19,178 --> 01:15:23,203 # Falling in love # 1245 01:15:23,242 --> 01:15:28,544 # With you # 1246 01:15:28,585 --> 01:15:34,597 # For I can't help # 1247 01:15:34,632 --> 01:15:39,237 # Falling in love # 1248 01:15:39,272 --> 01:15:42,916 # With # 1249 01:15:42,953 --> 01:15:48,135 # You # 1250 01:15:49,352 --> 01:15:50,759 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. 1251 01:15:53,768 --> 01:15:56,135 Line one for you, Chuck. 1252 01:15:57,608 --> 01:15:59,680 Thanks. 1253 01:15:59,719 --> 01:16:00,930 Yeah? 1254 01:16:00,968 --> 01:16:02,529 Keeler didn't kill himself. 1255 01:16:02,568 --> 01:16:04,477 He was murdered. Watch your back. 1256 01:16:06,696 --> 01:16:09,598 You can come in now, Mr. Flexner. 1257 01:16:09,639 --> 01:16:10,566 Chuck. 1258 01:16:12,008 --> 01:16:15,652 - Great to see ya. - What's up, Rod? 1259 01:16:17,127 --> 01:16:20,443 Well... Chuck, may I sit? 1260 01:16:20,487 --> 01:16:22,081 Hey, how's that redhead? 1261 01:16:22,118 --> 01:16:25,534 She's good, you know. Keeps... 1262 01:16:25,575 --> 01:16:28,356 Well, Chuck, the thing is, we have to talk. 1263 01:16:28,390 --> 01:16:30,113 What's up, Rod? 1264 01:16:30,150 --> 01:16:32,452 Well, the thing is... 1265 01:16:32,486 --> 01:16:35,333 some of your old shows aren't doing so well... 1266 01:16:35,366 --> 01:16:39,294 in the old ratings war. 1267 01:16:39,334 --> 01:16:43,262 So... I've been put in the unfortunate position... 1268 01:16:43,302 --> 01:16:45,090 of having to inform you... 1269 01:16:45,126 --> 01:16:48,257 that the network is canceling these shows. 1270 01:16:51,428 --> 01:16:53,022 Now, don't shoot me, Chuck. 1271 01:16:54,405 --> 01:16:56,411 I'm just the messenger. 1272 01:17:02,374 --> 01:17:03,486 Psshh. 1273 01:17:06,437 --> 01:17:09,503 Aargh. 1274 01:17:11,045 --> 01:17:14,874 This really is the hardest part of the job for me. 1275 01:17:16,420 --> 01:17:18,014 They killed my babies... 1276 01:17:18,052 --> 01:17:19,230 just like that. 1277 01:17:19,268 --> 01:17:21,024 I pushed them into the world... 1278 01:17:21,061 --> 01:17:24,257 through the birth canal of my imagination... 1279 01:17:24,293 --> 01:17:27,042 lovingly... tenderly. 1280 01:17:27,076 --> 01:17:30,851 Where's the humanity of these people? Huh? 1281 01:17:30,884 --> 01:17:33,404 - Fuck 'em. - Fuck 'em. 1282 01:17:33,444 --> 01:17:35,332 They're fucking bastards anyway. 1283 01:17:35,363 --> 01:17:37,982 Yeah. What am I gonna do now? 1284 01:17:40,003 --> 01:17:41,913 Oh, baby. 1285 01:17:41,955 --> 01:17:45,370 Oh, yeah. Feels so good. 1286 01:18:06,082 --> 01:18:07,424 Chuck? 1287 01:18:11,297 --> 01:18:12,442 Chuck? 1288 01:18:12,482 --> 01:18:13,855 Fuck. Fuck. 1289 01:18:13,889 --> 01:18:16,255 Penny, fuck. 1290 01:18:31,776 --> 01:18:34,526 I came here to tell you I sold a painting. 1291 01:18:34,559 --> 01:18:36,414 That's great. 1292 01:18:38,752 --> 01:18:40,726 What's she doing here? 1293 01:18:40,767 --> 01:18:42,426 She's. Uh... 1294 01:18:44,191 --> 01:18:47,354 This is our house. 1295 01:18:47,391 --> 01:18:51,831 It's one thing to go elsewhere for your pussy needs. 1296 01:18:51,870 --> 01:18:54,423 But this is our house. 1297 01:18:54,463 --> 01:18:55,989 It's my house, Pen. 1298 01:18:56,030 --> 01:18:57,492 It's our house. 1299 01:18:59,774 --> 01:19:02,557 I found it with you. I decorated it with you. 1300 01:19:02,590 --> 01:19:04,827 I spent six fucking months... 1301 01:19:04,863 --> 01:19:07,645 waiting for the fucking plumber to fucking come. 1302 01:19:13,246 --> 01:19:14,904 I'm sonny. 1303 01:19:17,470 --> 01:19:19,706 You're such an asshole. 1304 01:20:02,299 --> 01:20:05,366 No, I'm not saying that. That's not what I'm saying. 1305 01:20:05,405 --> 01:20:07,292 Then what are you saying, Chuck? 1306 01:20:09,756 --> 01:20:12,626 Do you want me around or not? 1307 01:20:12,668 --> 01:20:14,969 Do you even like me? 1308 01:20:15,004 --> 01:20:16,891 Of course I like you. 1309 01:20:16,924 --> 01:20:18,330 Penny... 1310 01:20:18,363 --> 01:20:20,882 - How much? - What? 1311 01:20:20,922 --> 01:20:24,272 I need to know how much you like me. 1312 01:20:24,315 --> 01:20:26,616 I don't know what that means. 1313 01:20:26,650 --> 01:20:30,806 How much? How can I rate a person in that way? 1314 01:20:30,841 --> 01:20:33,230 You could if you felt it. 1315 01:20:33,273 --> 01:20:35,281 If you felt it, it would be easy. 1316 01:20:35,322 --> 01:20:36,980 You would just... 1317 01:20:38,457 --> 01:20:41,938 spread your arms as wide as they would go... 1318 01:20:41,977 --> 01:20:44,344 and say, "This much, Penny". 1319 01:20:53,240 --> 01:20:55,379 Everything... 1320 01:20:55,417 --> 01:20:57,555 Everything's complicated, Pen. 1321 01:20:57,592 --> 01:21:00,559 You know, nothing's black and white like that. 1322 01:21:06,905 --> 01:21:08,727 Do you want me around or not? 1323 01:21:08,761 --> 01:21:12,055 Because if you don't, it's OK. Just tell me. 1324 01:21:12,088 --> 01:21:13,495 Hey, hey... 1325 01:21:16,536 --> 01:21:20,497 I love you, Penny, in my way. 1326 01:21:25,752 --> 01:21:30,094 Maybe not in that crazy head-over-heels thing... 1327 01:21:30,136 --> 01:21:32,339 but what is that anyway? 1328 01:21:32,375 --> 01:21:35,158 Romantic love... 1329 01:21:35,191 --> 01:21:37,776 isn't that just an illusion? 1330 01:21:41,239 --> 01:21:44,206 You just said you loved me, right? 1331 01:22:01,270 --> 01:22:04,336 # Just like yesterday # 1332 01:22:04,373 --> 01:22:08,334 # And I'll get on my knees and pray # 1333 01:22:11,606 --> 01:22:12,587 # We don't... # 1334 01:22:26,293 --> 01:22:27,635 Hi, Chuck. 1335 01:22:27,668 --> 01:22:29,490 Hey, Jim, what do you want? 1336 01:22:29,524 --> 01:22:31,564 - How's work? - Great. 1337 01:22:31,604 --> 01:22:33,164 Any new game show ideas? 1338 01:22:33,204 --> 01:22:35,692 Dozens. Why are you here, Jim? 1339 01:22:35,732 --> 01:22:39,507 We need you to find the mole and take him out. 1340 01:22:43,380 --> 01:22:44,786 Yeah. 1341 01:22:46,996 --> 01:22:50,291 Yeah... I'm done killing people. 1342 01:22:50,323 --> 01:22:52,689 I just want to entertain people. 1343 01:22:52,722 --> 01:22:54,282 I'm out. 1344 01:22:55,474 --> 01:22:57,296 No, you're not. 1345 01:23:01,810 --> 01:23:03,718 Hey, I got an idea. 1346 01:23:03,761 --> 01:23:06,282 If you want him so bad... 1347 01:23:06,321 --> 01:23:08,045 why don't you do it? 1348 01:23:08,082 --> 01:23:09,969 Why don't you kill the mole? 1349 01:23:10,002 --> 01:23:12,141 Any problem with killing, Jim? 1350 01:23:13,585 --> 01:23:16,236 I just don't fit the profile. 1351 01:23:16,274 --> 01:23:18,956 What fucking profile? There is no fucking profile. 1352 01:23:18,993 --> 01:23:20,106 OK. There's no profile. 1353 01:23:20,146 --> 01:23:22,699 - There's no profile. - OK. 1354 01:23:25,969 --> 01:23:28,009 You had a twin sister, stillborn... 1355 01:23:28,049 --> 01:23:30,056 strangled by your umbilical cord. 1356 01:23:30,097 --> 01:23:32,552 Your first hit. 1357 01:23:32,593 --> 01:23:34,381 Your mother always wanted a daughter. 1358 01:23:34,417 --> 01:23:36,359 She blamed you for your sister's death... 1359 01:23:36,401 --> 01:23:38,026 so until youn sister Phoebe was bon... 1360 01:23:38,065 --> 01:23:40,333 she raised you as a girl. 1361 01:23:40,368 --> 01:23:41,742 What else? 1362 01:23:41,776 --> 01:23:44,329 Your father, the dentist. 1363 01:23:44,368 --> 01:23:47,629 Not really your father. 1364 01:23:47,664 --> 01:23:51,177 Your real father was a man named Edmond James Windsor. 1365 01:23:51,217 --> 01:23:53,256 Among other things he was a seniar killer... 1366 01:23:53,295 --> 01:23:55,083 a fact your mother didn't know... 1367 01:23:55,119 --> 01:23:57,902 when she had an affair with him in 1928. 1368 01:23:57,936 --> 01:24:00,140 - That's ridiculous. - Is it? 1369 01:24:00,175 --> 01:24:01,735 That's insane. 1370 01:24:01,775 --> 01:24:04,906 Windson died in the electric chair in 1939. 1371 01:24:06,447 --> 01:24:08,967 I'm trying to think of what more I can tell you... 1372 01:24:09,007 --> 01:24:10,916 but you have me at a bit of a disadvantage, Chuck. 1373 01:24:10,960 --> 01:24:13,229 I don't have your files in front of me. 1374 01:24:21,455 --> 01:24:22,797 Come on, Jim. 1375 01:24:28,655 --> 01:24:30,117 I'm out. 1376 01:24:37,230 --> 01:24:40,874 As long as the mole's alive, you're a dead man. 1377 01:24:40,910 --> 01:24:43,692 How do I know it's not you? 1378 01:24:43,726 --> 01:24:46,115 You're a fairly bright guy. 1379 01:24:47,629 --> 01:24:49,669 You'll figure it out. 1380 01:26:50,407 --> 01:26:52,862 - Hey, Chuck. I... - Take it off. 1381 01:26:52,902 --> 01:26:55,040 Who are you? What's your name? 1382 01:27:06,022 --> 01:27:10,626 Yeah... that's the way it goes on TV. 1383 01:27:10,662 --> 01:27:14,077 Get off the stage. Go back to Scotland. 1384 01:27:14,119 --> 01:27:17,697 Get yourself a Guinness and some Lucky Charms. 1385 01:27:17,734 --> 01:27:20,800 All right. Ladies and gentlemen... 1386 01:27:20,838 --> 01:27:23,227 the prince of puns... 1387 01:27:23,269 --> 01:27:25,375 the wizard of whoopee. 1388 01:27:26,790 --> 01:27:29,059 The Unknown Comic. 1389 01:27:29,094 --> 01:27:30,980 Hey, Chuckie, baby. 1390 01:27:31,013 --> 01:27:33,053 Hey, Chuckie, baby, I got a joke for you. 1391 01:27:33,093 --> 01:27:34,500 - A joke. - What? 1392 01:27:34,534 --> 01:27:35,614 What's the difference between toilet paper... 1393 01:27:35,653 --> 01:27:36,580 and a shower curtain? 1394 01:27:36,613 --> 01:27:38,882 - I don't know. What? - Here's the guy: 1395 01:27:38,917 --> 01:27:41,885 - Get off the stage. - No, it's my turn, Chuckie. 1396 01:27:41,925 --> 01:27:44,827 - Get off the stage. - You're fucking crazy, man. 1397 01:27:44,869 --> 01:27:46,778 Get the fuck out of here. 1398 01:27:46,821 --> 01:27:49,438 Ladies and gentlemen... 1399 01:27:49,476 --> 01:27:53,121 our next act... Ha ha. 1400 01:27:53,156 --> 01:27:54,618 First came... 1401 01:27:57,219 --> 01:28:00,414 To us... all the way... 1402 01:28:02,211 --> 01:28:04,599 Um... ha ha... 1403 01:28:04,643 --> 01:28:08,091 Lord. Crazy on coast-to-coast. 1404 01:28:10,370 --> 01:28:11,777 Come on. 1405 01:28:15,651 --> 01:28:17,822 You like the way mommy looks? 1406 01:28:17,859 --> 01:28:19,353 Yes. 1407 01:28:19,395 --> 01:28:23,006 I bet you'd like to be a mommy some day, wouldn't you? 1408 01:28:23,042 --> 01:28:24,252 Comme here. You. 1409 01:28:31,266 --> 01:28:33,655 Sorry about your teeth. 1410 01:28:43,201 --> 01:28:46,266 #... birthday to you # 1411 01:28:46,305 --> 01:28:50,560 # Happy birthday to you # 1412 01:28:50,593 --> 01:28:54,651 # Happy birthday. dear Chuckie # 1413 01:28:54,688 --> 01:28:57,077 # Happy birthday to... # 1414 01:29:08,735 --> 01:29:11,801 Come on. Take me away now. 1415 01:29:11,840 --> 01:29:14,229 Take me away. 1416 01:29:14,272 --> 01:29:17,054 What are you waitin' for? 1417 01:29:17,089 --> 01:29:19,673 Come on. Come on. 1418 01:29:19,712 --> 01:29:21,884 Come on. 1419 01:29:23,232 --> 01:29:26,844 I see you. I know who you are. 1420 01:29:26,880 --> 01:29:28,374 What are you looking at? 1421 01:29:31,198 --> 01:29:33,533 # If I had a hammer # 1422 01:29:33,568 --> 01:29:36,382 # I'd hammer in the mornin' # 1423 01:29:36,415 --> 01:29:38,935 # I'd hammer in the evenin' # 1424 01:29:38,975 --> 01:29:41,462 # All over this land # 1425 01:29:41,503 --> 01:29:44,120 # I'd hammer out danger # 1426 01:29:44,158 --> 01:29:46,525 # I'd hammer out a warnin' # 1427 01:29:46,558 --> 01:29:48,281 # I'd hammer out love # 1428 01:29:48,318 --> 01:29:50,358 # Between my brothers and my sisters # 1429 01:29:50,398 --> 01:29:52,601 # All over # 1430 01:29:52,638 --> 01:29:55,387 # This land # 1431 01:29:55,422 --> 01:29:57,145 # Ooh ooh ooh # 1432 01:29:57,182 --> 01:29:59,767 # If I had a bell # 1433 01:29:59,806 --> 01:30:02,325 # I'd ring it in the mornin' # 1434 01:30:02,365 --> 01:30:04,984 # I'd ring it in the evenin' # 1435 01:30:05,021 --> 01:30:07,322 # All over this land # 1436 01:30:07,357 --> 01:30:10,041 # I'd ring out danger # 1437 01:30:10,077 --> 01:30:12,411 # I'd ring out a warning # 1438 01:30:12,445 --> 01:30:13,754 # I'd ring out # 1439 01:30:13,789 --> 01:30:16,407 # Love between my brothers and my sisters # 1440 01:30:16,445 --> 01:30:18,453 # All over # 1441 01:30:18,493 --> 01:30:21,177 # This land # 1442 01:30:21,213 --> 01:30:22,969 # Ooh # 1443 01:30:23,005 --> 01:30:25,493 # If I had a song # 1444 01:30:25,532 --> 01:30:28,151 # I'd sing it in the morning # 1445 01:30:28,188 --> 01:30:30,708 # I'd sing it in the evenin' # 1446 01:30:30,748 --> 01:30:33,017 # All over this land # 1447 01:30:33,051 --> 01:30:35,670 # I'd sing out danger # 1448 01:30:35,708 --> 01:30:37,977 # I'd sing out a warning # 1449 01:30:38,011 --> 01:30:39,899 # I'd sing out love # 1450 01:30:39,931 --> 01:30:42,135 # Between my brothers and my sisters # 1451 01:30:42,171 --> 01:30:44,179 # All over # 1452 01:30:44,219 --> 01:30:46,583 # This land # 1453 01:30:48,506 --> 01:30:50,295 Dear Penny... 1454 01:30:50,330 --> 01:30:54,771 this is just a note to say that I'm sorry... 1455 01:30:54,809 --> 01:30:57,177 for all of it. 1456 01:30:57,210 --> 01:31:00,025 You were the best part of my life... 1457 01:31:00,058 --> 01:31:02,741 and I couldn't see it. 1458 01:31:02,777 --> 01:31:05,014 I'm not asking for another chance... 1459 01:31:06,393 --> 01:31:08,662 just for your forgiveness. 1460 01:31:10,168 --> 01:31:11,729 Love, Chuck. 1461 01:31:30,553 --> 01:31:32,440 Well... 1462 01:31:32,473 --> 01:31:34,709 Look who comes out of hiding. 1463 01:31:36,025 --> 01:31:37,934 I started thinking, Trish, you're the only woman... 1464 01:31:37,977 --> 01:31:40,944 in the world who really... who really knows me. 1465 01:31:40,985 --> 01:31:43,832 I know I screwed you over in the past... 1466 01:31:43,864 --> 01:31:46,068 and I'm sorry. I... 1467 01:31:49,880 --> 01:31:52,019 I just want you to know that... 1468 01:31:56,023 --> 01:31:58,096 I hate myself for how... 1469 01:31:58,136 --> 01:32:02,226 Goddamn, I hate myself for how I lived, Trish. 1470 01:32:03,607 --> 01:32:06,193 Nietzsche says whoever despises oneself... 1471 01:32:06,231 --> 01:32:09,427 still respects oneself as one who despises. 1472 01:32:10,710 --> 01:32:12,620 Shit, I never thought of that. 1473 01:32:12,663 --> 01:32:15,761 I can't even despise myself with any insight. 1474 01:32:15,799 --> 01:32:18,320 The insane asylums are filled with people... 1475 01:32:18,360 --> 01:32:20,694 who think they're Jesus or Satan. 1476 01:32:20,727 --> 01:32:23,574 Very few have delusions of being... 1477 01:32:23,607 --> 01:32:27,251 a guy down the block who works for an insurance company. 1478 01:32:29,558 --> 01:32:31,184 All right. 1479 01:32:32,823 --> 01:32:35,343 What is this stuff? 1480 01:32:35,382 --> 01:32:37,205 I wanted to be a writer once. 1481 01:32:37,238 --> 01:32:39,093 I wanted to write something... 1482 01:32:39,126 --> 01:32:41,515 that someday some lesser person would quote... 1483 01:32:41,558 --> 01:32:43,019 but I never did. 1484 01:32:43,062 --> 01:32:45,647 I'm the lesser person, Trish. 1485 01:32:45,686 --> 01:32:47,508 I never say anything meaningful... 1486 01:32:47,541 --> 01:32:50,062 that wasn't said by somebody else first. 1487 01:32:50,102 --> 01:32:53,036 I am disposable. 1488 01:32:53,078 --> 01:32:56,144 I disposed of people, and I'm disposable. 1489 01:32:59,861 --> 01:33:03,852 I've been thinking about you a lot lately, Chuck. 1490 01:33:03,892 --> 01:33:06,761 - Oh, yeah? - Mmm. 1491 01:33:06,803 --> 01:33:08,658 I've missed you. 1492 01:33:08,691 --> 01:33:10,797 You could have fooled me. 1493 01:33:10,835 --> 01:33:12,624 Well, I've mellowed. 1494 01:33:14,643 --> 01:33:16,236 Boston is a beautiful city. 1495 01:33:16,275 --> 01:33:20,683 We could start over here, normal life together. 1496 01:33:20,722 --> 01:33:22,960 Sell insurance. 1497 01:33:24,435 --> 01:33:28,013 Yeah. That sounds good. That sounds right. 1498 01:33:30,995 --> 01:33:32,303 Look at that. 1499 01:33:32,339 --> 01:33:35,437 I could learn to love that skyline. 1500 01:33:37,011 --> 01:33:39,564 Did you see I got your picture framed? 1501 01:33:39,602 --> 01:33:41,009 Oh, yeah? Where? 1502 01:33:41,042 --> 01:33:43,824 - Look. - Oh, hot dog. 1503 01:33:46,289 --> 01:33:47,598 To life. 1504 01:33:49,521 --> 01:33:50,895 To life. 1505 01:34:01,616 --> 01:34:05,163 You devil. Isn't that sweet? 1506 01:34:05,200 --> 01:34:06,542 Oh... 1507 01:34:08,304 --> 01:34:11,981 Hey, what about splitting our time in New York? 1508 01:34:14,479 --> 01:34:16,585 Fuck. I just bit... 1509 01:34:16,624 --> 01:34:18,992 It's just a... 1510 01:34:34,224 --> 01:34:35,980 No, that's too quick. 1511 01:34:36,016 --> 01:34:39,790 You're supposed to get to the bathroom and throw up first. 1512 01:34:39,824 --> 01:34:42,279 God, Chuck, you should have seen Oliver's face. 1513 01:34:42,319 --> 01:34:45,897 It was just... well... if I do say so myself. 1514 01:34:45,936 --> 01:34:48,270 I got a nice snapshot of it, actually. 1515 01:34:48,303 --> 01:34:49,612 Mmm... 1516 01:34:49,647 --> 01:34:51,075 You know, Keeler was easy. 1517 01:34:51,118 --> 01:34:55,461 Traveled halfway around the world for a night with me. 1518 01:34:55,503 --> 01:34:56,932 Hmm... 1519 01:34:58,383 --> 01:35:01,678 OK... Let's see... 1520 01:35:01,711 --> 01:35:05,420 Chuck, you've put on weight. 1521 01:35:07,342 --> 01:35:09,480 Come on. 1522 01:35:09,518 --> 01:35:11,012 I nearly blew it with Byrd. 1523 01:35:11,054 --> 01:35:14,632 Never farm out a job that you should do yourself. 1524 01:35:14,670 --> 01:35:18,443 Do you want a laugh? He thought you were the mole. 1525 01:35:18,477 --> 01:35:21,675 He was going to kill you. What an idiot. 1526 01:35:23,054 --> 01:35:26,436 "I'm not at all the person you and I took me for". 1527 01:35:26,477 --> 01:35:28,364 Hmm. Sounds like an epitaph. 1528 01:35:28,397 --> 01:35:30,536 Your handwriting, too. 1529 01:35:30,573 --> 01:35:32,995 You see, Chuck, I save everything. 1530 01:35:33,038 --> 01:35:35,492 All of your lovely notes. Mmm. 1531 01:35:37,708 --> 01:35:39,496 You know what? 1532 01:35:40,940 --> 01:35:43,078 I like Carlyle best, too. 1533 01:35:43,116 --> 01:35:45,025 I really do. Yeah. 1534 01:35:45,068 --> 01:35:47,239 Say hi to the boys when you see 'em. 1535 01:35:53,163 --> 01:35:55,465 Ooh... 1536 01:35:55,499 --> 01:35:56,841 Oh... 1537 01:36:50,793 --> 01:36:52,680 To life. 1538 01:37:48,262 --> 01:37:51,579 My name is Charles Hirsch Barris. 1539 01:37:51,622 --> 01:37:53,727 I have written pop songs. 1540 01:37:53,766 --> 01:37:57,343 I have been a television producer. 1541 01:37:57,382 --> 01:38:00,698 I am responsible for polluting the air waves... 1542 01:38:00,742 --> 01:38:04,931 with mind-numbing, puenile entertainment. 1543 01:38:04,966 --> 01:38:09,339 In addition, I have murdered 33 humman beings. 1544 01:38:29,988 --> 01:38:32,376 We have come here today... 1545 01:38:32,420 --> 01:38:35,932 to join Penny Pacino and Chuck Barris... 1546 01:38:35,972 --> 01:38:37,826 in holy matrimony. 1547 01:38:37,860 --> 01:38:40,227 You all know Chuck Barris... 1548 01:38:40,259 --> 01:38:44,001 creator of "The Dating Game", "The Newlywed Game"... 1549 01:38:44,035 --> 01:38:45,725 "The Family Game"... 1550 01:38:45,763 --> 01:38:50,073 "The Game Game", "Dream Girl of 1968"... 1551 01:38:50,115 --> 01:38:52,318 "Operation: Entertainment"... 1552 01:38:52,355 --> 01:38:56,413 "How's Your Mother-in-law", and many others. 1553 01:38:56,450 --> 01:38:59,614 Chuck Barris, who most recently brought us such hits... 1554 01:38:59,650 --> 01:39:01,242 as "The Rah-Rah Show"... 1555 01:39:01,282 --> 01:39:04,795 "The $1.98 Beauty Show"... 1556 01:39:04,834 --> 01:39:07,070 "The Gong Show". 1557 01:39:07,106 --> 01:39:09,789 Oh, Chuck Barris... 1558 01:39:09,825 --> 01:39:12,542 who I'm sure will be back soon... 1559 01:39:12,577 --> 01:39:17,432 with even more shows that will stimulate and educate... 1560 01:39:17,473 --> 01:39:20,374 and keep us on the edge of our seats. 1561 01:39:51,295 --> 01:39:52,757 Whoo. 1562 01:39:52,800 --> 01:39:54,904 Congratulations. 1563 01:39:54,943 --> 01:39:55,926 Hey... 1564 01:39:55,968 --> 01:39:57,878 Oh, thanks, thanks. 1565 01:39:57,920 --> 01:39:59,097 Thanks. 1566 01:40:21,341 --> 01:40:23,481 Danny, drive now. 1567 01:40:26,687 --> 01:40:27,800 Bye. 1568 01:40:27,839 --> 01:40:29,780 Penny, there's something I gotta confess... 1569 01:40:29,822 --> 01:40:31,577 something I gotta tell ya. 1570 01:40:32,766 --> 01:40:35,286 Listen, Penny. You've known me for a long time... 1571 01:40:35,326 --> 01:40:37,596 As the host of "The Dating Game"... 1572 01:40:37,630 --> 01:40:39,637 "The Gong Show", "Rah-Rah Show"... 1573 01:40:39,677 --> 01:40:41,531 Yeah, yeah, listen, listen, listen... 1574 01:40:41,565 --> 01:40:46,005 I work for the CIA. You understand? 1575 01:40:46,044 --> 01:40:47,866 And I kill people. 1576 01:40:47,901 --> 01:40:51,381 I killed... I killed a lot of people. 1577 01:40:51,420 --> 01:40:53,689 You understand? 1578 01:40:53,724 --> 01:40:56,179 I killed a lot of people. 1579 01:40:59,420 --> 01:41:01,459 Ha ha ha ha ha ha. 1580 01:41:23,067 --> 01:41:27,060 I came up with a new game show idea recently. 1581 01:41:27,099 --> 01:41:30,361 It's called "The Old Game". 1582 01:41:30,395 --> 01:41:35,283 You got three old guys with loaded guns on stage... 1583 01:41:35,323 --> 01:41:38,257 they look back at their lives... 1584 01:41:38,298 --> 01:41:42,870 see who they were, what they accomplished... 1585 01:41:42,906 --> 01:41:46,582 how close they came to realizing their dreams. 1586 01:41:50,105 --> 01:41:52,210 The winner... 1587 01:41:52,249 --> 01:41:56,592 is the one who doesn't blow his brains out. 1588 01:41:56,633 --> 01:41:59,797 He gets a refridgerator. 0 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.moviesubtitles.org