1
00:01:04,731 --> 00:01:08,902
[disco music playing]

2
00:01:10,111 --> 00:01:11,696
Let's sweat!

3
00:01:15,408 --> 00:01:16,451
Come on!

4
00:01:17,660 --> 00:01:19,496
That's right! Shake it, honey! Shake it!

5
00:01:22,248 --> 00:01:25,835
Oh, yeah! Like a pony!
I'm a pony! I'm a pony!

6
00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:29,422
Don't you feel like a pony?
Don't you feel like a pony when you sweat?

7
00:01:29,589 --> 00:01:31,925
Oh, yeah! Yeah!

8
00:01:32,008 --> 00:01:33,468
Go! Do it!

9
00:01:33,551 --> 00:01:35,345
Come on! Here we go!

10
00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:36,346
[music continues on TV]

11
00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:39,307
One! Two!
This is my favorite exercise!

12
00:01:39,432 --> 00:01:41,476
Come on! Five!

13
00:01:41,684 --> 00:01:42,936
Whoa!

14
00:01:43,353 --> 00:01:46,856
Macho! Macho! Oh!

15
00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:48,608
I'm a pony! I'm a pony! Yeah!

16
00:01:48,691 --> 00:01:49,734
[electronic snorting]

17
00:01:49,818 --> 00:01:52,737
Come on, let's go! Do it! Come on!

18
00:01:53,321 --> 00:01:56,616
-[music continues]
-I'm vogueing! You can vogue!

19
00:01:57,158 --> 00:01:59,661
Come on. Can you feel it?

20
00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:02,539
Oh!

21
00:02:03,248 --> 00:02:04,666
I'm gonna have an aneurysm.

22
00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:06,626
Oh!

23
00:02:06,918 --> 00:02:08,294
My calves are burning...

24
00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:16,553
This is our science department.

25
00:02:17,178 --> 00:02:18,596
The genetics wing.

26
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:22,267
I'll remind you we are
in the vanguard of research.

27
00:02:39,534 --> 00:02:41,327
[chuckles]

28
00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:43,413
[people screaming]

29
00:02:46,499 --> 00:02:48,293
[screaming continues]

30
00:02:48,376 --> 00:02:50,295
Oh, my God!

31
00:02:55,758 --> 00:02:57,802
[tires screeching]

32
00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,185
Get Klump in here, now!

33
00:03:06,936 --> 00:03:08,521
-[boy 1] Professor Klump.
-Good morning.

34
00:03:08,605 --> 00:03:10,273
-[girl 1] Hey, Professor!
-Good morning.

35
00:03:10,690 --> 00:03:12,025
-[boy 2] Morning.
-Morning.

36
00:03:12,984 --> 00:03:14,986
-Morning.
-[girl 2] Good morning, Professor Klump.

37
00:03:15,069 --> 00:03:16,070
How are you?

38
00:03:24,495 --> 00:03:25,747
Morning.

39
00:03:38,092 --> 00:03:39,761
[screaming continues]

40
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,780
[blower engine starts]

41
00:04:04,577 --> 00:04:05,620
[screaming]

42
00:04:07,789 --> 00:04:09,540
Oh, my goodness.

43
00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:21,344
Professor Klump. The cages. What happened?

44
00:04:21,594 --> 00:04:23,346
That is the most peculiar thing, Jason,

45
00:04:23,429 --> 00:04:25,682
because I distinctly remember
locking up last night.

46
00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:27,141
I locked these cages,

47
00:04:27,225 --> 00:04:29,102
and I picked up my portfolio
and turned around--

48
00:04:29,435 --> 00:04:30,687
[students gasping]

49
00:04:30,770 --> 00:04:32,355
[all chattering]

50
00:04:35,316 --> 00:04:36,693
Oh.

51
00:04:37,443 --> 00:04:39,362
I must've grazed the switch.

52
00:04:40,071 --> 00:04:41,614
Shelley's the only one
that didn't get out.

53
00:04:41,698 --> 00:04:43,283
Good. I'll go tend to Shelley.

54
00:04:43,366 --> 00:04:45,368
You students take care of this. Excuse me.

55
00:04:45,910 --> 00:04:48,997
Hello, Shelley.
How are you today, my little powder puff?

56
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:51,833
Yeah. Yeah.

57
00:04:51,916 --> 00:04:53,209
[murmuring baby talk]

58
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,127
Sir?

59
00:04:54,669 --> 00:04:56,671
You may want to take a look
at the latest test results.

60
00:04:56,754 --> 00:04:58,798
I'm not sure if
I'm reading them correctly.

61
00:05:00,383 --> 00:05:03,052
Three ounces? She's lost
three ounces since the last feed?

62
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:04,304
Must be some kind of mistake.

63
00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:05,680
[keyboard keys clicking]

64
00:05:06,347 --> 00:05:07,557
No, no, no, Jason.

65
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:09,851
Her entire molecular structure
has been realigned.

66
00:05:11,811 --> 00:05:14,272
We've done it. This new formula's working.

67
00:05:14,355 --> 00:05:16,232
It's actually reconstructed Shelley's DNA.

68
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:19,861
[Jason] My God. She lost
20 percent of her body fat in one feeding.

69
00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:21,779
What if we upped the dosage?

70
00:05:21,863 --> 00:05:23,448
No, no, no, one step at a time, Jason.

71
00:05:23,531 --> 00:05:24,949
We don't want to jeopardize Shelley.

72
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:26,367
We'll keep the feedings as scheduled.

73
00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:27,410
Okay.

74
00:05:27,660 --> 00:05:29,620
Schedule. Excuse me. I'm very late.

75
00:05:30,204 --> 00:05:32,081
Come on, students,
we got a lot of work to do

76
00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:33,499
and don't have that much time to do it in.

77
00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:34,709
Trying to win a grant here.

78
00:05:34,792 --> 00:05:37,920
So, as Arsenio used
to say, "Let's get busy!"

79
00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:39,005
[switches lever]

80
00:05:39,088 --> 00:05:40,339
[students chattering]

81
00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:45,428
[chair rustling and squeaking]

82
00:05:50,892 --> 00:05:52,101
[clears throat]

83
00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:53,394
[grunts]

84
00:05:55,521 --> 00:05:57,106
[exhales slowly]

85
00:05:58,858 --> 00:05:59,692
Comfy?

86
00:06:00,610 --> 00:06:01,486
Quite.

87
00:06:02,111 --> 00:06:05,198
Anything I can get for you?
Juice? Coffee? Rack of lamb?

88
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:07,450
No, sir, I'm fine.

89
00:06:07,533 --> 00:06:08,534
[sniffs]

90
00:06:09,952 --> 00:06:11,662
[clears throat]

91
00:06:17,543 --> 00:06:19,754
You did want to see me about something,
didn't you, sir?

92
00:06:20,713 --> 00:06:22,090
Well, Professor Klump,

93
00:06:23,091 --> 00:06:25,051
allow me to answer
that question by posing another.

94
00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:28,012
Why are you trying to destroy my school?

95
00:06:28,304 --> 00:06:29,305
Beg your pardon, sir?

96
00:06:29,388 --> 00:06:32,141
Do you know who Louise Vindovik is?

97
00:06:32,350 --> 00:06:33,309
Oh, surely, sir.

98
00:06:33,392 --> 00:06:35,686
She's a lovely woman
who so generously donates money

99
00:06:35,770 --> 00:06:37,105
to help us fund our science department.

100
00:06:37,188 --> 00:06:39,857
Ooh. Close. Very close, but wrong.

101
00:06:39,941 --> 00:06:41,818
See, she was a lovely woman,

102
00:06:41,901 --> 00:06:44,320
and she used to fund
our science department.

103
00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:45,822
That was before she was hospitalized

104
00:06:45,905 --> 00:06:47,031
for nearly swallowing a gerbil.

105
00:06:47,115 --> 00:06:48,616
Not gerbil, sir. A hamster.

106
00:06:48,825 --> 00:06:49,992
Gerbils are more streamlined

107
00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:51,661
and hamsters
have a tendency to be fluffier.

108
00:06:51,828 --> 00:06:55,373
And the male hamster's scrotum has
a tendency to be disproportionately...

109
00:06:56,124 --> 00:06:56,958
Never mind.

110
00:06:57,917 --> 00:06:59,585
Those National Rifle people are right.

111
00:06:59,669 --> 00:07:02,839
If I had one now... Bang.

112
00:07:02,922 --> 00:07:05,007
You know, sir,
I'd like to concentrate on the positives.

113
00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:08,261
Actually, what Miss Vindovik
witnessed was 5,000 healthy hamsters

114
00:07:08,344 --> 00:07:10,680
bred from a genetically
deficient hereditary line.

115
00:07:10,763 --> 00:07:12,306
It's actually very exciting.

116
00:07:13,349 --> 00:07:14,767
Do I look excited, Klump?

117
00:07:15,143 --> 00:07:17,311
No, no, you don't.
You don't look excited at all.

118
00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:19,856
But maybe you might
be holding it all in, your excitement,

119
00:07:19,939 --> 00:07:22,108
not wanting to express it.

120
00:07:23,776 --> 00:07:27,155
Now listen to me carefully,
you fat tub of goo.

121
00:07:27,864 --> 00:07:32,285
For years, you've single-handedly
alienated every wealthy donor we've had.

122
00:07:32,618 --> 00:07:34,620
Air-conditioning schools
are outdrawing us!

123
00:07:35,079 --> 00:07:37,540
We've lost so much money,
red is our school color.

124
00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:39,959
Inner-city schools
have better computers than we do.

125
00:07:40,334 --> 00:07:42,253
Bosnia wants to give us money!

126
00:07:43,254 --> 00:07:45,214
Now, I'm going to set up a
meeting with Harlan Hartley--

127
00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:46,549
Klump! Are you listening to me?

128
00:07:46,632 --> 00:07:47,800
Yes, sir. Yes.

129
00:07:47,884 --> 00:07:50,720
Hartley is the last rich alumnus
we've got.

130
00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:53,389
And he's a science fan.

131
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:57,477
And he's considering donating
a $10 million grant to this school.

132
00:07:57,643 --> 00:07:59,645
And I want that money, Klump.

133
00:08:00,521 --> 00:08:01,814
Your job depends upon it.

134
00:08:02,523 --> 00:08:03,816
I'll let you know how to handle it

135
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:05,568
since I'll be watching you. Now, go.

136
00:08:05,651 --> 00:08:07,695
But, sir, I don't know if you should--

137
00:08:07,778 --> 00:08:09,697
Ah, ah. Now you see, right back there,

138
00:08:09,780 --> 00:08:11,949
just before you said,
"But, sir" right there?

139
00:08:13,034 --> 00:08:14,368
That was the end of the meeting.

140
00:08:14,911 --> 00:08:16,120
Well, I guess I'll leave.

141
00:08:17,288 --> 00:08:18,623
You have a pleasant day.

142
00:08:40,228 --> 00:08:42,313
Grace, the cream has turned again.

143
00:08:43,397 --> 00:08:44,732
[gasps]

144
00:08:47,777 --> 00:08:50,279
[professor] Of all
the equations that you'll learn

145
00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:52,198
during the course of your studies here,

146
00:08:52,406 --> 00:08:55,868
this equation shall be, I promise you,

147
00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:59,330
the most helpful
throughout the course of your studies,

148
00:08:59,413 --> 00:09:03,501
because this equation
fundamentally breaks down

149
00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:07,213
what DNA is composed of...

150
00:09:08,047 --> 00:09:10,132
and what components of DNA...

151
00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:11,509
[giggling continues]

152
00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:14,303
[louder laughter]

153
00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:15,930
I seem to have messed myself.

154
00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:20,101
I mean, I haven't really messed myself.
I mean, I messed my shirt up.

155
00:09:20,184 --> 00:09:21,769
[school bell rings]

156
00:09:21,852 --> 00:09:25,606
But make sure you read chapter four
in your textbooks on genetics.

157
00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:27,775
Gonna be a pop quiz on Wednesday.

158
00:09:28,359 --> 00:09:30,820
There's a pop quiz. Pop quiz.

159
00:10:07,398 --> 00:10:08,482
[woman] Professor Klump?

160
00:10:18,659 --> 00:10:19,869
[mumbling] Hello.

161
00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:21,162
Hi. I'm sorry.

162
00:10:21,245 --> 00:10:24,624
I didn't mean to interrupt.
I was looking for Professor Klump.

163
00:10:24,957 --> 00:10:26,667
[spitting]

164
00:10:27,084 --> 00:10:29,128
I'm him. I'm he.

165
00:10:29,420 --> 00:10:31,380
I'm Sherman Klump.

166
00:10:32,089 --> 00:10:33,341
[gumballs scattering]

167
00:10:33,424 --> 00:10:34,675
Never mind. I do that all the time.

168
00:10:34,759 --> 00:10:38,971
Makes the table look more festive,
and the kids enjoy it.

169
00:10:39,263 --> 00:10:41,766
The yellow and green
and purple rolling around.

170
00:10:41,932 --> 00:10:43,809
The table's more colorful and--

171
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:45,645
Would another time be better?

172
00:10:45,728 --> 00:10:47,521
-I could always--
-No, no, don't be ridiculous.

173
00:10:47,605 --> 00:10:50,566
I'm between classes,
and I got a minute to chat.

174
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:51,651
[gumballs scattering]

175
00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:53,069
How can I help you?

176
00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:54,528
Hi. I'm Carla Purty.

177
00:10:54,612 --> 00:10:57,198
-Hello, Miss Purty.
-Hi. I'm a grad student.

178
00:10:57,281 --> 00:11:00,368
I'm teaching my first
intro chemistry class across the hall.

179
00:11:00,451 --> 00:11:01,535
Okay. Mmm-hmm.

180
00:11:01,869 --> 00:11:04,121
I just had to come over here
and introduce myself,

181
00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:06,207
because I've followed your work
for many years,

182
00:11:06,290 --> 00:11:07,875
and I'm a big fan.

183
00:11:07,958 --> 00:11:10,378
Well, thank you very much. I'm fatter--

184
00:11:10,586 --> 00:11:14,882
Flattered that you've been
following my work the way you have.

185
00:11:14,965 --> 00:11:16,175
A chemistry teacher.

186
00:11:16,592 --> 00:11:22,807
Chemistry sure is important to have,
chemistry, to have and use it.

187
00:11:23,974 --> 00:11:26,602
Chemically... Chemistry.

188
00:11:27,061 --> 00:11:28,396
-Well...
-[school bell rings]

189
00:11:28,479 --> 00:11:30,815
Professor Klump, it's been
more than a pleasure meeting you.

190
00:11:30,898 --> 00:11:32,733
Oh, the pleasure was all mine, Miss Purty.

191
00:11:32,817 --> 00:11:35,361
And, uh, hope to see you around.

192
00:11:35,611 --> 00:11:37,446
Well, you can't miss me.

193
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,198
[chuckles]

194
00:11:39,657 --> 00:11:40,991
Okay, have a good day.

195
00:11:41,283 --> 00:11:43,327
You do the same, Miss Purty.

196
00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:48,707
Mmm-mmm-mmm.

197
00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:49,875
[door closes]

198
00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:52,378
Now, that's fine. She's fine.

199
00:11:53,003 --> 00:11:55,131
[gumballs scattering]

200
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:57,133
[laughing]

201
00:11:57,466 --> 00:11:58,759
Oh, this is so fabulous.

202
00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:00,010
Ain't nothing like getting together

203
00:12:00,094 --> 00:12:01,262
with family and having a good meal.

204
00:12:01,345 --> 00:12:02,930
Cletus, take this bowl. It's hot.

205
00:12:03,013 --> 00:12:04,390
I am hungry.

206
00:12:04,473 --> 00:12:07,435
[Papa] Goddamn, Sherman, it's almost like
we don't see your ass no more.

207
00:12:07,518 --> 00:12:09,186
-Good to see you, son.
-Yeah, Sherman.

208
00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:11,397
You think you too Joe College good
to spend a little time

209
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,107
with your family every now and then?

210
00:12:13,190 --> 00:12:14,442
Well, I've been real busy
with my research, Ernie.

211
00:12:14,525 --> 00:12:15,609
I don't want no potatoes.

212
00:12:15,693 --> 00:12:17,570
You know mashed potatoes give me gas.

213
00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:21,699
You know, in my day, Sherman,
people used to spend time with they family

214
00:12:21,782 --> 00:12:24,201
on Sundays and special occasions.

215
00:12:24,285 --> 00:12:26,287
Come around and pay their respects.

216
00:12:26,370 --> 00:12:28,789
You mess around
and miss all little Ernie's golden years,

217
00:12:28,873 --> 00:12:30,833
magic golden years,
and you're gonna be mad at yourself.

218
00:12:30,916 --> 00:12:32,460
-That's your nephew.
-[belches]

219
00:12:32,543 --> 00:12:34,211
Baby's got a little gas.

220
00:12:34,795 --> 00:12:36,422
[coughing]

221
00:12:36,839 --> 00:12:38,257
Here she go.
Y'all better cover your plates.

222
00:12:38,340 --> 00:12:39,758
-Now, Grandma--
-Just need a peppermint.

223
00:12:39,884 --> 00:12:41,385
Mama, have some water.

224
00:12:42,136 --> 00:12:43,637
[muttering] Grandma, you spit on me.

225
00:12:43,721 --> 00:12:45,389
What you talking about,
covering your plates?

226
00:12:45,556 --> 00:12:48,142
Not tonight, Cletus. I'll kick your ass.

227
00:12:48,225 --> 00:12:50,728
Sherman, I cooked all this food.
Is that all you gonna eat?

228
00:12:50,853 --> 00:12:52,229
Hey, hey, hey, hey, what's wrong with you?

229
00:12:52,313 --> 00:12:53,606
You supposed to eat that, not scalp it.

230
00:12:53,731 --> 00:12:55,316
Well, Daddy,
all the calories in the chicken

231
00:12:55,399 --> 00:12:56,775
are found in the skin and in the fat, so--

232
00:12:56,859 --> 00:12:59,320
Man, what you talking about?
That's where all the fats and calories is?

233
00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:02,281
You know where that come from?
Watching that damn TV.

234
00:13:02,364 --> 00:13:03,699
Every time you turn it on,
they got somebody

235
00:13:03,782 --> 00:13:05,326
on there talking about lose weight,

236
00:13:05,409 --> 00:13:06,577
get healthy, get in shape.

237
00:13:06,660 --> 00:13:08,621
Everybody looking all anorexic,
talking about that's healthy.

238
00:13:08,704 --> 00:13:11,040
I know what healthy is.
I'll tell you something else.

239
00:13:11,290 --> 00:13:13,834
And I don't know why everybody
trying to lose weight in the first place!

240
00:13:14,084 --> 00:13:15,419
Ain't everybody supposed
to be the same size.

241
00:13:15,503 --> 00:13:16,879
We're supposed to be all different.

242
00:13:16,962 --> 00:13:19,965
Big, small, medium, midgets.
You supposed to have all of that.

243
00:13:20,049 --> 00:13:21,175
I don't know what did it.

244
00:13:21,258 --> 00:13:22,968
Everybody wants to
be the same size, like that Oprah Winfrey.

245
00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:24,345
She gonna lose her weight.

246
00:13:24,803 --> 00:13:27,431
Wasn't nothing wrong with her.
She was fine. Oprah was a fox!

247
00:13:27,515 --> 00:13:28,432
She lose all that weight,

248
00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:30,309
her head look all big,
skin hanging all over.

249
00:13:30,392 --> 00:13:33,395
And Luther Vandross.
Nigga used to be the black Pavarotti.

250
00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:35,064
Lost all that weight, looking all ashy.

251
00:13:35,272 --> 00:13:36,607
Oprah and Luther need to keep their ass

252
00:13:36,690 --> 00:13:38,150
one weight, 'cause I'm confused.

253
00:13:38,275 --> 00:13:40,110
Yes, I hope nothing's wrong with Oprah.

254
00:13:40,194 --> 00:13:41,445
She doesn't look well.

255
00:13:41,570 --> 00:13:42,696
Ain't nothing wrong with Oprah.

256
00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:44,949
I seen Oprah on Hard Copy last week.

257
00:13:45,032 --> 00:13:46,450
Was the picture of health.

258
00:13:46,617 --> 00:13:50,079
Got her a tall, young, strong
gentleman named Stedman.

259
00:13:50,162 --> 00:13:51,330
So handsome.

260
00:13:51,413 --> 00:13:52,373
♪ Amazing grace ♪

261
00:13:52,456 --> 00:13:53,707
She's my favorite out of all of them.

262
00:13:53,791 --> 00:13:55,459
Jenny Jones,
Marilyn Kagan, Maury Povich...

263
00:13:55,543 --> 00:13:57,461
[singing continues]

264
00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,880
...Letterman, Leno,

265
00:14:00,089 --> 00:14:02,132
Montel, Ricki Lake.

266
00:14:02,216 --> 00:14:03,467
I like Geraldo.

267
00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:05,261
Mike Douglas. Oh, Mike Douglas.

268
00:14:05,344 --> 00:14:09,014
You know, Mike Douglas used to
make me moist when I'd watch his show.

269
00:14:09,098 --> 00:14:11,850
I admit it. I would get moist
when I watched his show.

270
00:14:11,934 --> 00:14:14,895
Only white man ever did that
to me was Mike Douglas.

271
00:14:15,312 --> 00:14:18,399
I would like to volunteer
to take this old bird out of her misery.

272
00:14:18,482 --> 00:14:20,860
Cletus! Don't you dare say
something like that about Mama.

273
00:14:20,943 --> 00:14:22,027
[Grandma] No, no, hold it.

274
00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:25,739
You ain't gotta protect me from
Cletus. Come on, Cletus. Come on.

275
00:14:26,156 --> 00:14:30,953
Come on over here. Come on.
It ain't but a short walk. Come on over.

276
00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:34,790
You gonna limp back.
You'll walk over, but you're limping back.

277
00:14:35,165 --> 00:14:38,419
But don't let the gray hair fool you.
I ain't no easy win, nigga.

278
00:14:38,502 --> 00:14:41,672
You know what your problem is,
you don't work out. Gotta exercise.

279
00:14:41,797 --> 00:14:43,424
Look at me. That's all muscle.

280
00:14:43,507 --> 00:14:45,384
-Oh.
-[Ernie] You fat. I'm muscle.

281
00:14:45,467 --> 00:14:48,262
Oh, look at my little...
He's a little Hercules.

282
00:14:48,345 --> 00:14:49,471
Show me your muscles again.

283
00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:51,765
Oh, Hercules, Hercules,

284
00:14:51,849 --> 00:14:53,475
-Hercules, Hercules!
-Once you work out,

285
00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:54,977
your metabolism starts to speed up,

286
00:14:55,060 --> 00:14:56,270
you can eat anything you want.

287
00:14:56,353 --> 00:14:57,897
Go on, knock yourself out.

288
00:14:57,980 --> 00:15:00,316
-He's so strong.
-Well, Ernie, recent studies have shown

289
00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:03,193
that certain people are
genetically predisposed to gaining weight.

290
00:15:03,402 --> 00:15:05,404
Someday in the near future,
we might even find a cure.

291
00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:07,948
Only thing you need to study is your ass.

292
00:15:08,032 --> 00:15:10,951
-I got a big ass. Your mama got a big ass.
-Cletus!

293
00:15:11,035 --> 00:15:14,455
You do have a big ass. Don't tell me
nothing. Asses is big in our family.

294
00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:16,081
So you need to get used to that.

295
00:15:16,165 --> 00:15:17,958
And I don't care what diet you go on.

296
00:15:18,375 --> 00:15:21,587
You can sew up your stomach
and your asshole, you gonna always be fat.

297
00:15:21,795 --> 00:15:24,381
Daddy, all I'm trying
to say is that scientific breakthroughs

298
00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:26,008
are occurring all the time--

299
00:15:26,091 --> 00:15:28,135
The only thing about
to break through is your ass

300
00:15:28,218 --> 00:15:29,803
about to break through
the seat of your pants.

301
00:15:30,387 --> 00:15:33,140
You know, Sherman,
I think I do remember hearing

302
00:15:33,223 --> 00:15:35,351
something on TV about colon cleansing.

303
00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:36,936
They say everyone should have one.

304
00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:38,312
I'm thinking about
getting me an appointment,

305
00:15:38,395 --> 00:15:40,439
and going down and
getting my colon cleansed thoroughly.

306
00:15:40,522 --> 00:15:42,816
You want your colon cleansed?
Fine, I'm gonna clean mine.

307
00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:43,901
[loud fart]

308
00:15:43,984 --> 00:15:46,278
There. Now my colon is clean.
I'm talking squeaky clean.

309
00:15:46,362 --> 00:15:50,491
Every time we have a meal, you break gas.
Don't break gas and destroy our meal.

310
00:15:50,574 --> 00:15:51,575
Don't tell me to stop.

311
00:15:51,659 --> 00:15:53,369
You the one that brought
up colon cleansing and all that mess.

312
00:15:53,452 --> 00:15:54,787
I did not say anything about breaking gas!

313
00:15:54,870 --> 00:15:56,205
I said that I was gonna
get my colon cleaned.

314
00:15:56,288 --> 00:15:58,582
You can talk about putting a tube
in somebody's ass, but I can't break wind.

315
00:15:58,707 --> 00:16:00,793
I didn't say nothing about
putting a hose up nobody's ass--

316
00:16:01,043 --> 00:16:02,586
What you think a colonic is?

317
00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:04,338
You think you run
your asshole by the car wash?

318
00:16:04,421 --> 00:16:06,131
You're choking the baby.

319
00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:08,842
As long as I pay the bills,
I do what I want at this table.

320
00:16:08,926 --> 00:16:09,927
Case in point.

321
00:16:10,469 --> 00:16:12,513
-[loud fart]
-Who that called my name?

322
00:16:12,596 --> 00:16:14,056
Yeah, I called you if your name is...

323
00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:15,265
[loud fart]

324
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:17,643
Keep insulting me.

325
00:16:18,769 --> 00:16:21,563
I'll toss this between
the crack of your ass.

326
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:23,148
Yeah, you know I can go all night.

327
00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:24,483
[loud fart]

328
00:16:24,566 --> 00:16:26,276
I hope you fart till
your asshole falls out.

329
00:16:26,610 --> 00:16:27,695
[continues farting]

330
00:16:27,778 --> 00:16:29,154
[laughing wildly]

331
00:16:29,238 --> 00:16:30,364
[loud fart]

332
00:16:30,531 --> 00:16:31,782
Oh, my baby too!

333
00:16:31,865 --> 00:16:33,075
[loud fart]

334
00:16:33,158 --> 00:16:36,704
Now see what you made me do?
God damn it, I messed up my pants.

335
00:16:36,787 --> 00:16:38,706
-Damn, Daddy.
-You got to clean them yourself!

336
00:16:38,789 --> 00:16:39,832
You rotten.

337
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:41,750
[Ernie, Jr. continues laughing]

338
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:45,629
Oh, Lord, this has been
a fabulous, wonderful, fabulous evening.

339
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:48,132
Look. Them dogs done tore up my garbage.

340
00:16:48,424 --> 00:16:50,300
Cletus, the dogs ripped
the garbage open again!

341
00:16:50,384 --> 00:16:51,593
[Papa] Shoot the damn dog!

342
00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:52,886
I'm not shooting no dog!

343
00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:54,304
I'm trying to watch Roseanne!

344
00:16:54,388 --> 00:16:55,723
Thanks for dinner, Mama.

345
00:16:56,098 --> 00:16:57,558
Sherman, what's wrong with you?

346
00:16:58,976 --> 00:17:01,687
Baby, you still worried
about what your father said in there?

347
00:17:02,229 --> 00:17:04,523
Oh, Son, listen to me.

348
00:17:04,606 --> 00:17:06,316
You are special.

349
00:17:06,775 --> 00:17:11,655
When the good Lord made you,
he made you beautiful inside and out.

350
00:17:12,156 --> 00:17:13,991
You can do anything, Sherman.

351
00:17:14,074 --> 00:17:17,411
All you got to do is believe in yourself,
and you can do anything.

352
00:17:17,536 --> 00:17:18,746
[chuckling]

353
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:20,831
You're so handsome.

354
00:17:21,415 --> 00:17:22,791
Give me some sugar.

355
00:17:25,627 --> 00:17:27,588
-Love you, Mama.
-Love you, too, baby.

356
00:17:27,671 --> 00:17:30,299
Nighty-night. Oh, my baby.

357
00:17:30,507 --> 00:17:32,384
Sherman, Sherman, Sherman.

358
00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:34,136
Fabulous.

359
00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:35,846
Cletus, come clean this garbage up!

360
00:17:35,929 --> 00:17:37,097
[Papa] I'm watching TV!

361
00:17:37,181 --> 00:17:38,390
[Grandma] Get your lazy ass up.

362
00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:39,767
[Papa] Why don't you mind
your own damn business?

363
00:17:39,850 --> 00:17:41,018
[Grandma] You lazy mother--

364
00:18:05,709 --> 00:18:07,294
[doorbell rings]

365
00:18:15,219 --> 00:18:16,136
Professor?

366
00:18:17,596 --> 00:18:19,848
Oh. Hi, Miss Purty.

367
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,893
You caught me in the middle of

368
00:18:23,185 --> 00:18:25,395
a little step aerobics
I was doing out here.

369
00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:28,732
Ninety-eight, 99, 100.

370
00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:32,528
I looked your address up
in the faculty directory.

371
00:18:32,611 --> 00:18:34,530
-I hope you don't mind.
-No, not at all.

372
00:18:34,613 --> 00:18:35,823
What can I do for you?

373
00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:37,157
Oh, well, I was...

374
00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:38,826
[sighs]

375
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:41,411
I was, um...

376
00:18:42,746 --> 00:18:45,124
I was wondering if one night, if...

377
00:18:46,542 --> 00:18:48,043
when you weren't busy...

378
00:18:48,418 --> 00:18:51,171
You might get a little hungry,
you might want to, you know...

379
00:18:51,255 --> 00:18:53,298
If you planned on going out
to get something anyway,

380
00:18:53,924 --> 00:18:57,886
on an occasion like that,
you don't wanna do that alone, so...

381
00:18:58,262 --> 00:19:01,390
Professor, are you
asking me out on a date?

382
00:19:04,852 --> 00:19:06,895
Yes. Yes, I am.

383
00:19:08,105 --> 00:19:09,231
I'd love to.

384
00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:12,609
-Really?
-Yes.

385
00:19:13,902 --> 00:19:15,112
That's fantastic!

386
00:19:15,195 --> 00:19:17,698
We can go any place you wanna go.
Just name it. We'll go there.

387
00:19:18,448 --> 00:19:21,285
There's a place that my students
go to called The Scream.

388
00:19:21,368 --> 00:19:23,203
-The Scream?
-I mean, if that's too...

389
00:19:23,287 --> 00:19:25,497
Oh, no, no, no. I love to scream.

390
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:27,124
Whoa!

391
00:19:27,207 --> 00:19:28,208
[dog howls in response]

392
00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:29,918
Screaming's good for you.
Cleans the epiglottis.

393
00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:33,088
Get all the phlegm and mucus down.
That's disgusting.

394
00:19:33,213 --> 00:19:34,715
Just tell me what night
and we'll go there.

395
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:36,008
How's Friday?

396
00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:38,343
Friday night's perfect.
That's the best night of the week for me.

397
00:19:38,427 --> 00:19:39,553
So Friday night at 8:00.

398
00:19:39,636 --> 00:19:40,679
Friday night at 8:00.

399
00:19:40,762 --> 00:19:43,348
Great. Then I'll see you Friday night.
Then we'll go to The Scream.

400
00:19:43,432 --> 00:19:45,225
It'll be a scream at The Scream.

401
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:47,769
All right, Professor, I'll see you then.

402
00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:49,521
-All right. Good night, Miss Purty.
-Bye-bye.

403
00:19:50,522 --> 00:19:51,523
Good night.

404
00:19:52,983 --> 00:19:54,026
Yes!

405
00:19:56,153 --> 00:19:58,822
[muttering] Yeah,
Friday night at The Scream.

406
00:19:58,906 --> 00:20:00,699
[continues muttering] Gonna scream.

407
00:20:00,782 --> 00:20:03,911
Friday night. Friday,
Friday, Friday, Friday night.

408
00:20:03,994 --> 00:20:05,913
Friday, Friday, Friday.

409
00:20:06,121 --> 00:20:07,664
[whistling]

410
00:20:08,832 --> 00:20:09,708
[singing]

411
00:20:09,791 --> 00:20:11,043
♪ I got myself a date ♪

412
00:20:11,835 --> 00:20:13,420
♪ Friday night at 8:00 ♪

413
00:20:14,004 --> 00:20:15,505
♪ And I will not be late ♪

414
00:20:16,381 --> 00:20:18,008
♪ She might be my mate ♪

415
00:20:18,759 --> 00:20:20,385
♪ That would be so great ♪

416
00:20:20,969 --> 00:20:23,055
♪ Great, great, great
Great, great, great ♪

417
00:20:23,138 --> 00:20:24,973
♪ And I can hardly wait ♪

418
00:20:25,682 --> 00:20:28,810
Lilo, Peabo, Lou Rawls,
Teddy Pendergrass. Teddy P.

419
00:20:29,519 --> 00:20:30,812
Number six! Yeah!

420
00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:33,440
[mid-tempo ballad playing]

421
00:20:33,523 --> 00:20:34,358
[singing along]

422
00:20:34,441 --> 00:20:36,235
♪ Close the door ♪

423
00:20:37,319 --> 00:20:40,530
♪ Let me give you what
You been waiting for ♪

424
00:20:40,697 --> 00:20:42,115
Whoo!

425
00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:45,410
♪ Baby, I got so much love to give... ♪

426
00:20:45,494 --> 00:20:46,828
Don't hurt them, Teddy P!

427
00:20:47,412 --> 00:20:51,708
♪ ...and I wanna give it all to you ♪

428
00:20:54,544 --> 00:20:57,256
♪ I waited all day long ♪

429
00:20:58,715 --> 00:21:02,886
♪ Just to hold you in my arms ♪

430
00:21:03,929 --> 00:21:08,016
♪ And it's exactly like
I thought it would be ♪

431
00:21:08,725 --> 00:21:13,814
♪ Me loving you and you loving me ♪

432
00:21:13,897 --> 00:21:16,650
♪ Oh, you know you gotta
Gotta, gotta close the door ♪

433
00:21:16,733 --> 00:21:17,734
[banging]

434
00:21:17,818 --> 00:21:19,111
[man] Shut the hell up,
up there, God damn it!

435
00:21:19,194 --> 00:21:20,946
Sorry about that down there, Mr. Wilson!

436
00:21:21,029 --> 00:21:22,739
Teddy P turned up a little loud.

437
00:21:22,823 --> 00:21:24,783
Hey! Quiet down up there!

438
00:21:24,866 --> 00:21:29,329
There is a thin person inside
each and every one of us!

439
00:21:29,579 --> 00:21:32,207
So just give yourselves a big hug and say,

440
00:21:32,332 --> 00:21:34,960
"Yes, I can!" Do that for me, people.

441
00:21:35,043 --> 00:21:38,839
Thighmaster Plus is designed
to give you better results quicker.

442
00:21:38,922 --> 00:21:42,342
I lost ten pounds in two weeks.
Thanks, Megashake.

443
00:21:42,968 --> 00:21:45,679
[lush orchestral music playing on TV]

444
00:22:01,903 --> 00:22:04,823
[panting]

445
00:22:16,793 --> 00:22:19,921
[both moaning]

446
00:22:23,258 --> 00:22:24,801
[Carla screaming]

447
00:22:27,596 --> 00:22:29,014
[screaming]

448
00:22:29,598 --> 00:22:30,932
[Lance on TV] You're not pathetic!

449
00:22:31,016 --> 00:22:34,269
People, pounds do not lose themselves!

450
00:22:34,352 --> 00:22:38,690
You have to work, work, work!
Everybody, up! Come on! Get up!

451
00:22:38,774 --> 00:22:41,109
You too at home! Everybody up and say,

452
00:22:41,193 --> 00:22:43,570
[Lance and audience] "Yes, I can!"

453
00:22:43,653 --> 00:22:45,572
-[Lance] Say it again.
-Yes, I can.

454
00:22:45,655 --> 00:22:46,823
-Yes, I can!
-[stomping]

455
00:22:47,157 --> 00:22:49,659
[Professor and audience]
Yes, I can! Yes, I can! Yes...

456
00:22:49,743 --> 00:22:51,912
-[Mr. Wilson] Quiet down, God damn it!
-Sorry, Mr. Wilson.

457
00:22:51,995 --> 00:22:53,538
-Klump, shut up!
-I can!

458
00:22:53,872 --> 00:22:55,874
[up-tempo pop music playing]

459
00:23:18,772 --> 00:23:19,898
Still hungry?

460
00:23:30,367 --> 00:23:31,368
[breathing sharply]

461
00:23:34,371 --> 00:23:35,372
[strangulated] Help.

462
00:23:38,333 --> 00:23:39,501
Still hungry?

463
00:23:54,558 --> 00:23:57,018
Maybe you should try Jenny Craig.

464
00:24:02,983 --> 00:24:05,569
One hand on you! One hand on you!

465
00:24:10,824 --> 00:24:12,325
[group] Whoo!

466
00:24:16,329 --> 00:24:19,416
[grunts] Yeah! Yeah!

467
00:24:20,625 --> 00:24:21,835
Yeah!

468
00:24:26,673 --> 00:24:27,799
Yeah!

469
00:24:31,595 --> 00:24:32,762
[continues grunting]

470
00:24:37,976 --> 00:24:39,561
[up-tempo R&B music playing]

471
00:24:39,769 --> 00:24:41,938
Come on, come on. Right there.

472
00:24:42,147 --> 00:24:44,024
♪ This is how we do it ♪

473
00:24:44,107 --> 00:24:48,612
♪ It's Friday night
And I feel alright ♪

474
00:24:48,778 --> 00:24:51,198
♪ The party's here on the west side ♪

475
00:24:51,281 --> 00:24:53,825
♪ So I reach for my 40
and I turn it up... ♪

476
00:24:54,201 --> 00:24:56,244
Oh, excuse me. Hey!

477
00:24:56,328 --> 00:24:57,996
-Professor K, how's it going?
-I'm good, David.

478
00:24:58,079 --> 00:24:59,206
What are you doing here?

479
00:25:00,081 --> 00:25:01,041
Got a date.

480
00:25:01,708 --> 00:25:04,211
Oh, you have a date?
Well, good luck, Professor.

481
00:25:04,294 --> 00:25:05,712
Yeah, see you next week now.

482
00:25:05,795 --> 00:25:08,423
♪ ...The summertime skirts
And the guys in Kani... ♪

483
00:25:08,506 --> 00:25:10,717
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Excuse me. Sorry about that.

484
00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:13,929
Excuse me. Excuse me.

485
00:25:14,012 --> 00:25:16,097
Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

486
00:25:16,181 --> 00:25:17,390
[gasping]

487
00:25:17,474 --> 00:25:19,226
Sorry about that. Excuse me.

488
00:25:19,309 --> 00:25:23,647
Sorry about that. Excuse me.
Excuse me! Excuse me.

489
00:25:23,730 --> 00:25:24,981
Thank you.

490
00:25:25,482 --> 00:25:27,651
Wow, these are great seats, Professor.

491
00:25:27,734 --> 00:25:30,487
Oh, yeah. Listen, don't call me Professor.

492
00:25:31,071 --> 00:25:33,490
Call me Sherman, all right? Sherman.

493
00:25:34,824 --> 00:25:36,701
Well, I'm glad we did this, Sherman.

494
00:25:42,874 --> 00:25:43,959
So am I.

495
00:25:45,126 --> 00:25:46,336
So am I!

496
00:25:48,588 --> 00:25:50,173
Here's the menu.

497
00:25:50,298 --> 00:25:52,050
[singing smooth R&B song]

498
00:25:57,639 --> 00:25:59,849
[Carla] So, you actually
altered her genes?

499
00:25:59,933 --> 00:26:01,685
Yes, yes. And if I hadn't done it,

500
00:26:01,768 --> 00:26:04,104
Shelley would be
in hamster heaven right now.

501
00:26:04,980 --> 00:26:06,815
Sherman, you are absolutely amazing.

502
00:26:07,524 --> 00:26:09,276
Well, we do what we can, you know?

503
00:26:09,859 --> 00:26:12,487
Got to keep on trying.
Got to keep on pushing.

504
00:26:21,371 --> 00:26:23,039
Let's go. Let's go.

505
00:26:24,624 --> 00:26:26,418
[M.C.] Montell Jordan!

506
00:26:26,543 --> 00:26:28,378
They were wonderful.

507
00:26:28,461 --> 00:26:31,548
All right, all right.
Let's keep this show rolling.

508
00:26:31,756 --> 00:26:33,008
-Ladies and gentlemen...
-He was good.

509
00:26:33,091 --> 00:26:36,052
...you've seen him
on Def Comedy Jam many times.

510
00:26:36,136 --> 00:26:38,972
Y'all give it up for my man,
Reggie Warrington!

511
00:26:39,055 --> 00:26:40,223
Give it up!

512
00:26:40,348 --> 00:26:41,558
[crowd applauding]

513
00:26:41,641 --> 00:26:43,101
[cheering]

514
00:26:53,028 --> 00:26:54,821
He sure is animated.

515
00:26:57,866 --> 00:26:58,867
What's up?

516
00:27:00,493 --> 00:27:02,162
I said, "What's up?"

517
00:27:02,245 --> 00:27:03,621
Hey!

518
00:27:03,705 --> 00:27:05,623
Women be shopping, baby.

519
00:27:05,707 --> 00:27:06,916
[audience laughing]

520
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:08,918
Women be shopping!

521
00:27:09,377 --> 00:27:11,713
Damn! You can't stop a woman
from shopping, baby!

522
00:27:12,589 --> 00:27:14,174
That's true. Women do shop.

523
00:27:14,257 --> 00:27:15,467
It is true.

524
00:27:15,925 --> 00:27:17,844
See what we got
in here tonight. Oh, my God!

525
00:27:17,927 --> 00:27:19,262
[audience laughing]

526
00:27:19,346 --> 00:27:21,056
She's unbe-weave-able. Look at this.

527
00:27:22,223 --> 00:27:24,225
Look like a hair full of curly fries.

528
00:27:24,976 --> 00:27:26,936
[audience laughing]

529
00:27:27,604 --> 00:27:28,980
[laughing]

530
00:27:32,734 --> 00:27:34,986
Hey, look at this white dude right here.
Look at the white dude.

531
00:27:35,070 --> 00:27:38,948
What is a weave exactly? Huh?

532
00:27:41,117 --> 00:27:42,327
[laughing]

533
00:27:42,869 --> 00:27:46,498
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no!

534
00:27:46,581 --> 00:27:47,749
Baby, no!

535
00:27:47,832 --> 00:27:51,294
She got more extensions than AT&T.

536
00:27:51,378 --> 00:27:52,629
[audience laughing]

537
00:27:52,837 --> 00:27:54,297
[applauding]

538
00:27:55,882 --> 00:27:57,217
Excuse me. I'm gonna go to the restroom.

539
00:27:57,300 --> 00:27:58,843
Oh, boy, I'm hot! I'm hot!

540
00:27:58,927 --> 00:28:01,221
Sorry about that, ma'am.
Let me pick that up for you.

541
00:28:01,304 --> 00:28:02,389
[whoops]

542
00:28:02,472 --> 00:28:04,265
It's a full moon tonight!

543
00:28:04,808 --> 00:28:06,684
[howling]

544
00:28:06,810 --> 00:28:09,521
I think I found where
they hid Jimmy Hoffa!

545
00:28:11,147 --> 00:28:12,399
[laughing] Excuse me.

546
00:28:13,775 --> 00:28:15,527
[chuckling]

547
00:28:15,735 --> 00:28:18,238
Yeah, that's a good one there.

548
00:28:18,530 --> 00:28:21,574
Boy, you got more crack than Harlem.
Look at that!

549
00:28:21,658 --> 00:28:22,951
[audience laughing]

550
00:28:25,412 --> 00:28:29,082
Boy's so fat, every time
he turns around, it's his birthday!

551
00:28:31,209 --> 00:28:33,378
Got to put his belt on with a boomerang.

552
00:28:33,461 --> 00:28:34,462
[imitating boomerang]

553
00:28:34,546 --> 00:28:35,422
Bang!

554
00:28:38,758 --> 00:28:43,304
Yeah. Okay, all right, now.
That's it. You got me.

555
00:28:43,513 --> 00:28:47,225
No, I ain't got you, yet.
Should I get him?

556
00:28:47,308 --> 00:28:48,560
[audience] Yeah!

557
00:28:48,643 --> 00:28:50,019
Should I get him?

558
00:28:50,103 --> 00:28:51,396
[audience] Yeah!

559
00:28:51,479 --> 00:28:53,773
Oh, look at this. He's with a woman, too.

560
00:28:53,857 --> 00:28:55,942
-[audience] Aw!
-Oh, no!

561
00:28:56,192 --> 00:28:59,028
Who is sucking whose titties over here?

562
00:28:59,195 --> 00:29:01,364
[audience laughing uproariously]

563
00:29:08,413 --> 00:29:12,459
Last time this brother felt a breast,
it was in a bucket of KFC.

564
00:29:13,042 --> 00:29:14,794
Extra crispy!

565
00:29:15,712 --> 00:29:18,757
Every time he goes to SeaWorld,
they pay him!

566
00:29:21,092 --> 00:29:23,970
He must be on that new diet, Slim Slow.

567
00:29:25,972 --> 00:29:27,557
He go outside with a red shirt on,

568
00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:28,933
and all the kids in the neighborhood say,

569
00:29:29,017 --> 00:29:31,102
"Hey! Kool-Aid!"

570
00:29:31,394 --> 00:29:35,398
Yeah, man, I bet I cut his fat ass open,
it'd bleed chocolate milk.

571
00:29:36,775 --> 00:29:39,611
What would you do for a Klondike bar?

572
00:29:42,238 --> 00:29:44,949
Now we know what's
eating Gilbert Grape, don't we?

573
00:29:52,624 --> 00:29:55,084
[thunder rumbling]

574
00:30:00,465 --> 00:30:03,343
Thank you for dinner tonight, Sherman.
That was very sweet.

575
00:30:03,426 --> 00:30:04,594
You're welcome.

576
00:30:11,017 --> 00:30:12,811
Look, that comic tonight, he was...

577
00:30:16,064 --> 00:30:18,233
Sherman, you are a brilliant man.

578
00:30:26,533 --> 00:30:28,117
You have a pleasant evening.

579
00:30:31,120 --> 00:30:32,413
Good night.

580
00:30:36,960 --> 00:30:38,294
[keys jingling]

581
00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:49,931
[door closes]

582
00:31:03,194 --> 00:31:06,656
His fraternity was having
this thing called Pig Day.

583
00:31:07,365 --> 00:31:09,325
That's the only reason he asked me out.

584
00:31:09,409 --> 00:31:13,204
[Lance] To make fun of you?
Why do we do this to ourselves?

585
00:31:13,663 --> 00:31:16,624
Every time we get depressed,
we eat and eat and eat.

586
00:31:16,708 --> 00:31:17,584
Don't you? You go to the store

587
00:31:17,667 --> 00:31:19,377
and buy those
little candy bars in the bag,

588
00:31:19,460 --> 00:31:21,629
and before you know it,
the whole bag is empty.

589
00:31:21,713 --> 00:31:25,967
Then at the end, you feel
just like that bag. Empty inside.

590
00:31:26,050 --> 00:31:28,261
-[sobbing]
-Don't you? Don't you?

591
00:31:28,344 --> 00:31:29,512
[woman sobbing]

592
00:31:29,596 --> 00:31:32,265
It's okay. It's all right. It's okay.
Just get it all out.

593
00:31:32,348 --> 00:31:33,558
[sobbing continues]

594
00:31:33,641 --> 00:31:35,518
Say, "Yes, I can." Say that.

595
00:31:35,602 --> 00:31:37,395
[woman] Yes, I can.

596
00:31:37,937 --> 00:31:39,188
[sobbing continues]

597
00:31:39,981 --> 00:31:41,858
[sobbing] Yes, we can.

598
00:31:43,026 --> 00:31:44,527
[sobbing]

599
00:31:44,611 --> 00:31:45,862
Can we go to commercial?

600
00:31:45,945 --> 00:31:47,071
I don't care about how much time.

601
00:31:47,155 --> 00:31:49,616
-I want him prepped and ready immediately.
-Yes, Doctor.

602
00:31:49,699 --> 00:31:51,284
And, uh, call Dr. Matthews.

603
00:31:51,367 --> 00:31:52,702
I'm going to need
a lot of help on this one.

604
00:31:52,785 --> 00:31:53,828
[doctor] Okay, people. Let's move it.

605
00:31:53,912 --> 00:31:55,288
Let's go. You know the routine.

606
00:31:55,705 --> 00:31:57,707
Get that crash cart in here stat!

607
00:31:57,790 --> 00:31:59,709
[nurse] Blood pressure,
140 over 90 and rising.

608
00:32:00,043 --> 00:32:01,294
[man] We need that IV rig in now!

609
00:32:01,377 --> 00:32:02,587
IV rig coming in.

610
00:32:02,670 --> 00:32:04,213
Give me four cc's of Ambethol.

611
00:32:04,297 --> 00:32:05,798
I don't know how much more he can take.

612
00:32:05,882 --> 00:32:07,800
[doctor] We need the EKG cart in here now.

613
00:32:07,884 --> 00:32:10,845
Blood pressure, 180 over 110
and still climbing.

614
00:32:11,429 --> 00:32:12,805
What's the status?

615
00:32:12,889 --> 00:32:14,474
He's getting fatter. We can't stop it.

616
00:32:14,557 --> 00:32:17,435
-Damn!
-[doctor] Blood pressure, 200 over 140!

617
00:32:17,518 --> 00:32:19,228
-[alarm beeping]
-Oh, my God!

618
00:32:19,312 --> 00:32:20,480
Oh, my God. He's gonna explode!

619
00:32:20,563 --> 00:32:21,731
I'm getting out of here!

620
00:32:21,814 --> 00:32:23,441
-[woman screams]
-Nurse!

621
00:32:24,734 --> 00:32:26,361
Wait! Wait!

622
00:32:27,403 --> 00:32:29,113
[rumbling]

623
00:32:29,197 --> 00:32:30,990
[thunderclap]

624
00:32:31,950 --> 00:32:33,117
[screaming]

625
00:32:37,914 --> 00:32:39,874
[crowd screaming]

626
00:32:40,667 --> 00:32:41,834
What's going on?

627
00:32:42,794 --> 00:32:44,963
[crowd screaming]

628
00:32:46,881 --> 00:32:49,300
Oh, my God!
Get out of here! Get out of here!

629
00:32:49,801 --> 00:32:53,179
Damn, everyone, run for the hills!
It's Fat-zilla!

630
00:32:54,639 --> 00:32:56,516
Boy, he look like King Kong with titties.

631
00:32:56,599 --> 00:33:00,478
Sherman! I brought you
some nice fried chicken, Sherman.

632
00:33:00,561 --> 00:33:02,355
Oh, you look fabulous!

633
00:33:02,605 --> 00:33:04,607
[Mama laughing]

634
00:33:06,234 --> 00:33:07,276
[gasps]

635
00:33:08,277 --> 00:33:09,320
[glass breaking]

636
00:33:10,613 --> 00:33:11,990
[screams]

637
00:33:20,957 --> 00:33:23,292
[Professor burping]

638
00:33:25,461 --> 00:33:27,422
[burping continues]

639
00:33:30,008 --> 00:33:31,592
[moaning]

640
00:33:32,135 --> 00:33:33,386
[man] Oh, my God!

641
00:33:33,469 --> 00:33:35,471
He's gonna blow!

642
00:33:36,806 --> 00:33:38,391
[farting]

643
00:33:41,811 --> 00:33:43,146
[screaming]

644
00:33:43,896 --> 00:33:46,941
Way to go, son! That's my boy!

645
00:33:49,110 --> 00:33:50,236
No!

646
00:33:55,116 --> 00:33:56,868
[panting]

647
00:33:57,535 --> 00:33:58,369
Huh?

648
00:34:20,308 --> 00:34:22,477
[beeping]

649
00:34:24,353 --> 00:34:26,314
[keyboard keys clicking]

650
00:34:36,157 --> 00:34:38,284
[beeping]

651
00:34:39,202 --> 00:34:41,329
[beeping quickens]

652
00:34:46,709 --> 00:34:49,504
Shelley, you've been
the guinea pig long enough.

653
00:34:49,712 --> 00:34:51,631
It's time to see
if this stuff really works.

654
00:35:12,652 --> 00:35:14,362
[thunderclap]

655
00:35:16,114 --> 00:35:17,698
[beeping]

656
00:35:19,242 --> 00:35:21,410
[beeping continues]

657
00:35:23,454 --> 00:35:24,539
[groans]

658
00:35:27,458 --> 00:35:28,918
[groaning]

659
00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:30,419
[beeping continues]

660
00:35:34,423 --> 00:35:36,175
[beeping continues]

661
00:35:48,020 --> 00:35:49,147
[beeping]

662
00:35:50,815 --> 00:35:52,275
[beeping continues]

663
00:35:52,775 --> 00:35:54,819
[electricity crackling]

664
00:36:32,023 --> 00:36:33,357
[screams]

665
00:36:35,818 --> 00:36:38,863
I'm thin! I'm thin! Look at my cheekbones!

666
00:36:39,030 --> 00:36:41,824
I have cheekbones! Look at my
cheekbones! Yes! Look at my chest.

667
00:36:41,908 --> 00:36:44,076
Look at my breasts. I don't have breasts.

668
00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:46,537
I'm an A cup. I don't
even need a bra anymore.

669
00:36:46,621 --> 00:36:49,332
Oh, God, I'm thin! I'm thin!

670
00:36:49,415 --> 00:36:51,417
I'm thin! I'm thin, I'm thin.

671
00:36:51,500 --> 00:36:52,835
♪ Nothing but air there ♪

672
00:36:52,919 --> 00:36:54,253
♪ Nothing but air there ♪

673
00:36:54,337 --> 00:36:57,173
♪ My ass is gone
Now I'm slim, slim, slim ♪

674
00:36:58,257 --> 00:37:01,636
Well, I'll be damned! I can see my dick!

675
00:37:02,053 --> 00:37:04,931
My dick! My dick, my dick, my dick!

676
00:37:07,058 --> 00:37:09,143
I can do stairs. I can do stairs.

677
00:37:09,727 --> 00:37:12,021
I am the stair master!

678
00:37:16,234 --> 00:37:18,194
You looking for
any kind of clothes in particular?

679
00:37:18,486 --> 00:37:22,823
Spandex! All Spandex!
Where's the Spandex section?

680
00:37:24,075 --> 00:37:25,826
Spandex! Like this!

681
00:37:29,914 --> 00:37:32,250
No titties. No titties.

682
00:37:32,959 --> 00:37:34,085
No titties.

683
00:37:35,044 --> 00:37:37,296
Not you, me.
I'm talking about me. My titties are gone.

684
00:37:37,380 --> 00:37:40,508
Your titties are lovely. What's your name?

685
00:37:40,883 --> 00:37:43,844
I can't believe I'm so thin.
I am thin. You ever just feel thin?

686
00:37:44,095 --> 00:37:47,598
I am thin! I am thin.
Hey, man, where's the apple pie?

687
00:38:04,740 --> 00:38:06,659
Tootsie Roll! Get your tootsie!

688
00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:09,370
[grunting]

689
00:38:13,916 --> 00:38:15,167
[continues grunting]

690
00:38:20,631 --> 00:38:26,137
[shouting] I'm thin! I'm thin!

691
00:38:28,597 --> 00:38:29,849
Excuse me.

692
00:38:30,933 --> 00:38:31,767
Hey!

693
00:38:32,059 --> 00:38:33,644
Is Professor Klump here?

694
00:38:34,186 --> 00:38:35,354
Professor Klump?

695
00:38:35,438 --> 00:38:37,440
Sherman, Sherman Klump.

696
00:38:37,523 --> 00:38:39,358
No, he had to take care of some things,
Miss Purty.

697
00:38:39,442 --> 00:38:41,193
So I'm running this thing here.

698
00:38:41,819 --> 00:38:42,820
Do I know you?

699
00:38:43,738 --> 00:38:44,947
Do you know me?

700
00:38:45,156 --> 00:38:46,449
[laughs]

701
00:38:47,408 --> 00:38:48,743
Sherman didn't tell you about me?

702
00:38:48,951 --> 00:38:49,827
No.

703
00:38:50,077 --> 00:38:51,120
Oh, man!

704
00:38:51,203 --> 00:38:53,706
Isn't that like Sherman
to hog all the credit?

705
00:38:53,789 --> 00:38:55,791
I'm Sherman's confidante.

706
00:38:55,875 --> 00:38:57,376
Well, have you seen him today?

707
00:38:57,460 --> 00:38:59,545
I was wondering if he was all right
after everything that happened

708
00:38:59,628 --> 00:39:01,088
at the club the other night.

709
00:39:01,547 --> 00:39:04,967
Miss Purty, it tore his chunky ass up.

710
00:39:05,176 --> 00:39:07,928
You know, it's strange that
a man as intelligent as Sherman,

711
00:39:08,012 --> 00:39:09,096
he has no confidence whatsoever.

712
00:39:09,180 --> 00:39:10,514
Makes me sick sometimes to think...

713
00:39:10,598 --> 00:39:11,849
And I'm always telling the man,

714
00:39:11,932 --> 00:39:15,227
"Sherman, no matter what,
you've got to strut.

715
00:39:15,311 --> 00:39:17,271
"You got to suck in your gut and strut."

716
00:39:17,563 --> 00:39:19,065
Now, me, personally,
I don't have that problem.

717
00:39:19,148 --> 00:39:20,816
Doesn't seem like you do.

718
00:39:21,150 --> 00:39:23,402
You're just too feisty
and a little bit too fine.

719
00:39:23,486 --> 00:39:24,570
I think me and you need to hook up.

720
00:39:24,653 --> 00:39:27,198
We need to go to The Scream tonight,
have a couple of drinks

721
00:39:27,448 --> 00:39:29,241
and strut our respective stuff together.

722
00:39:30,284 --> 00:39:31,786
I don't even know your name.

723
00:39:31,994 --> 00:39:34,413
Hey, buddy, what the hell happened here?

724
00:39:35,706 --> 00:39:38,417
See? Everybody knows Buddy. Buddy.

725
00:39:38,501 --> 00:39:40,961
The professor must have got
a little carried away last night.

726
00:39:41,045 --> 00:39:42,880
Officer Dagg, I'm glad you came up.

727
00:39:42,963 --> 00:39:45,966
Because he told me to tell you personally,
please thank your wife Claire

728
00:39:46,050 --> 00:39:47,635
for bringing
that upside-down cake for him.

729
00:39:47,718 --> 00:39:49,804
He ate every crumb of it.
Thank you so much.

730
00:39:49,887 --> 00:39:50,971
And, Officer, can you have someone

731
00:39:51,055 --> 00:39:52,723
from janitorial clean up this mess,
please?

732
00:39:53,057 --> 00:39:54,892
Thank you, Officer Dagg. Thank you.

733
00:39:56,477 --> 00:39:57,770
-[door opens]
-Buddy.

734
00:39:58,187 --> 00:40:00,940
Buddy? Is that it,
or do you have a last name?

735
00:40:01,774 --> 00:40:02,983
[door closes]

736
00:40:04,860 --> 00:40:05,986
Love.

737
00:40:07,530 --> 00:40:08,614
Love?

738
00:40:10,533 --> 00:40:11,700
You see, Miss Purty,

739
00:40:11,951 --> 00:40:14,203
[in the Professor's voice] There comes
a time in a man's life when he has to...

740
00:40:15,704 --> 00:40:16,789
[clears throat]

741
00:40:16,872 --> 00:40:17,706
[coughs]

742
00:40:18,374 --> 00:40:19,959
Miss Purty, people have a tendency in life

743
00:40:20,042 --> 00:40:22,086
[in the Professor's voice]
to always want to rush into things.

744
00:40:24,004 --> 00:40:25,506
[in regular voice]
What I'm trying to say, Miss Purty,

745
00:40:25,589 --> 00:40:28,217
is that there's a right time
and place for everything.

746
00:40:30,386 --> 00:40:32,138
[talking fast] Like I said, there's
a right time and place for everything.

747
00:40:32,221 --> 00:40:33,639
[in the Professor's voice]
Tonight would be a good time.

748
00:40:33,722 --> 00:40:34,890
Let's get together tonight at The Scream.

749
00:40:34,974 --> 00:40:36,434
Tonight at The Scream
would be perfect to discuss it.

750
00:40:36,517 --> 00:40:38,144
So, I'll see you tonight
at The Scream then, at 8:00.

751
00:40:38,227 --> 00:40:39,562
Remember, don't be late! Excuse me!

752
00:40:48,946 --> 00:40:49,989
Uh-oh.

753
00:40:51,449 --> 00:40:53,784
[chattering]

754
00:41:05,921 --> 00:41:08,090
Good morning. Good morning, class.

755
00:41:08,174 --> 00:41:12,261
Morning, students.
Good morning! Morning. Good morning.

756
00:41:15,139 --> 00:41:17,850
You students just review
what we went over yesterday.

757
00:41:17,933 --> 00:41:20,436
Professor, we weren't here yesterday.

758
00:41:20,936 --> 00:41:25,941
Well, then, review the day before,
and tomorrow we'll do today.

759
00:41:27,401 --> 00:41:28,235
That's it.

760
00:41:29,195 --> 00:41:30,571
[class laughing]

761
00:41:31,697 --> 00:41:33,115
[door opens]

762
00:41:33,199 --> 00:41:35,034
[door closes]

763
00:41:40,539 --> 00:41:41,499
Sherman!

764
00:41:41,957 --> 00:41:43,375
Oh, Carla. How are you?

765
00:41:43,459 --> 00:41:46,295
I've been looking for you all morning.
Are you okay?

766
00:41:46,378 --> 00:41:48,297
Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
Why you been looking for me?

767
00:41:48,380 --> 00:41:50,841
Well, I feel kind of bad
what happened at the club the other night.

768
00:41:50,925 --> 00:41:52,510
It was my idea to go to The Scream and--

769
00:41:52,593 --> 00:41:55,387
I've forgotten about that.
You forget about that, too. That's over.

770
00:41:55,471 --> 00:41:56,847
You go have a nice day.

771
00:41:56,931 --> 00:41:59,975
Look, there's something else.
I met a friend of yours in your lab.

772
00:42:00,059 --> 00:42:01,143
Buddy Love.

773
00:42:01,310 --> 00:42:02,603
Buddy Love.

774
00:42:02,895 --> 00:42:04,939
He's quite a character, huh?

775
00:42:05,397 --> 00:42:08,400
He asked me out,
and he said it was your idea.

776
00:42:08,484 --> 00:42:11,570
Oh, did he?
Well, I know you're new in town.

777
00:42:11,654 --> 00:42:14,365
I thought it would be nice for a new
girl to get out, meet some people.

778
00:42:14,907 --> 00:42:16,075
Did you find him attractive?

779
00:42:16,325 --> 00:42:17,618
Honestly, yes.

780
00:42:17,701 --> 00:42:19,370
He's very handsome and athletic.

781
00:42:19,453 --> 00:42:21,914
But I don't feel comfortable
talking to you about that.

782
00:42:21,997 --> 00:42:24,917
You can talk to me about
absolutely anything. I want you to.

783
00:42:25,668 --> 00:42:28,295
And I think you should definitely
go out with Buddy Love.

784
00:42:28,587 --> 00:42:29,922
-You do?
-Absolutely.

785
00:42:30,005 --> 00:42:31,090
I don't think there's anything wrong

786
00:42:31,173 --> 00:42:32,925
with two young people getting together,

787
00:42:33,008 --> 00:42:35,844
and going out and having a good time.
So by all means, do just that.

788
00:42:36,387 --> 00:42:37,721
You sure you're all right with that?

789
00:42:37,805 --> 00:42:41,600
Ohh! Don't even worry about me.
I'm just fine. In fact, I'll even put in

790
00:42:41,684 --> 00:42:43,060
a good word with you for Buddy.

791
00:42:43,978 --> 00:42:47,106
Oh, my goodness. I'm so late.
Excuse me. And I'll talk to Buddy.

792
00:42:52,903 --> 00:42:54,905
[soul music playing]

793
00:43:04,999 --> 00:43:07,209
[music continues indistinctly]

794
00:43:18,637 --> 00:43:20,806
Now you be careful.
If there's a scratch in the car,

795
00:43:20,889 --> 00:43:22,099
there's a scratch in your ass.

796
00:43:22,558 --> 00:43:26,312
You are too fine
to be giving me curbside service.

797
00:43:26,395 --> 00:43:27,813
I'm not. I'm leaving.

798
00:43:27,896 --> 00:43:29,440
What you talking about leaving?
We just got here.

799
00:43:29,523 --> 00:43:31,900
No, you just got here. I've been
waiting for you for almost an hour.

800
00:43:31,984 --> 00:43:34,987
Hey, now, they say anticipation helps
make the appetite grow stronger,

801
00:43:35,070 --> 00:43:36,071
if you know what I mean.

802
00:43:36,155 --> 00:43:37,323
Anticipate a night alone.

803
00:43:37,406 --> 00:43:39,491
Hey, hey. Let's just have a meal together.

804
00:43:39,575 --> 00:43:41,660
Why you leaving?
What, you want me to beg you?

805
00:43:41,744 --> 00:43:43,829
I'll get down on my knees.
I'll beg you in front of all these people.

806
00:43:43,912 --> 00:43:45,164
Think I care if these people are watching?

807
00:43:45,247 --> 00:43:49,543
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
I want the world to know that I was late!

808
00:43:49,835 --> 00:43:52,963
And I'm sorry! My car ran out of gas.

809
00:43:53,047 --> 00:43:55,758
I needed fresh drawers. My mother's sick.

810
00:43:55,841 --> 00:43:57,176
The car broke down, down the street.

811
00:43:57,259 --> 00:43:58,344
Buddy, get up.

812
00:43:58,427 --> 00:44:00,012
I'm so sorry. Hear me out. I am sorry!

813
00:44:00,095 --> 00:44:01,680
I don't know why
this is happening tonight.

814
00:44:01,764 --> 00:44:04,516
Of all nights,
this has got to happen to me tonight.

815
00:44:05,434 --> 00:44:08,520
-Why? Why?
-Okay.

816
00:44:08,604 --> 00:44:09,647
Okay!

817
00:44:10,981 --> 00:44:12,858
Why?

818
00:44:14,652 --> 00:44:15,736
Okay, okay, okay.

819
00:44:15,819 --> 00:44:16,862
Okay. Good. Let's eat.

820
00:44:16,945 --> 00:44:18,781
I am so hungry.
Hey, don't let the tears fool you.

821
00:44:18,864 --> 00:44:19,823
I'm a tooth chipper.

822
00:44:22,493 --> 00:44:24,703
Six T-bones, five baked potatoes

823
00:44:24,787 --> 00:44:26,538
and two servings of creamed spinach.

824
00:44:26,622 --> 00:44:29,041
I have never seen anyone eat so much.

825
00:44:29,124 --> 00:44:30,876
You are so lucky to stay so thin.

826
00:44:30,959 --> 00:44:32,461
Luck has nothing to do with it.

827
00:44:32,544 --> 00:44:34,797
It's a matter
of recombinant ribonucleic acids

828
00:44:34,880 --> 00:44:36,965
unzipped by a radioactive guanine peptide.

829
00:44:37,633 --> 00:44:39,176
And what does that mean?

830
00:44:39,343 --> 00:44:41,220
I don't know.
I'm trying to sound extra intelligent.

831
00:44:41,303 --> 00:44:43,055
Got you! You gonna eat that?

832
00:44:43,138 --> 00:44:45,349
All right. Guess who's back in the house.

833
00:44:45,432 --> 00:44:49,687
From Def Comedy Jam,
my man, Reggie Warrington.

834
00:44:49,770 --> 00:44:51,146
Give it up!

835
00:44:51,271 --> 00:44:52,815
[cheering]

836
00:44:54,775 --> 00:44:57,403
I hate this guy. I hate this guy.
He is so obnoxious.

837
00:44:57,486 --> 00:44:58,695
Give the nigga a chance.

838
00:45:02,783 --> 00:45:06,161
It's your world, dog!
I'm just a squirrel trying to get a nut.

839
00:45:10,124 --> 00:45:11,917
-What's up?
-What's up, nigga?

840
00:45:12,793 --> 00:45:14,253
I said, "What's up?"

841
00:45:14,336 --> 00:45:16,380
Didn't you hear me when I say, "Hey"?

842
00:45:18,257 --> 00:45:20,050
Boy, women be shopping.

843
00:45:21,093 --> 00:45:22,594
Women be shopping.

844
00:45:22,678 --> 00:45:25,264
You cannot stop a woman
from shopping. Damn!

845
00:45:25,472 --> 00:45:26,849
[laughing]

846
00:45:27,474 --> 00:45:28,851
Let's see what I got in the house tonight.

847
00:45:29,226 --> 00:45:32,813
Oh, now, look at this
white guy right here. Look at him.

848
00:45:32,896 --> 00:45:34,982
You cannot tell me
he ain't got a small jimmie.

849
00:45:37,192 --> 00:45:39,361
Man, it's so small
he needs tweezers to take a piss.

850
00:45:39,945 --> 00:45:41,530
He needs tweezers to take a piss!

851
00:45:43,574 --> 00:45:44,992
Tweezers on his dick!

852
00:45:47,911 --> 00:45:49,413
Reggie's hot tonight.

853
00:45:49,872 --> 00:45:53,459
Look at this. Look at this. Look at this.

854
00:45:55,586 --> 00:45:56,795
I can't breathe!

855
00:45:56,879 --> 00:45:58,839
-Excuse me, brother.
-[gasping] I can't breathe!

856
00:45:59,965 --> 00:46:00,966
Okay.

857
00:46:01,049 --> 00:46:02,092
Brother, man!

858
00:46:03,010 --> 00:46:04,303
[wheezing]

859
00:46:05,971 --> 00:46:07,389
You almost killed me, man!

860
00:46:09,391 --> 00:46:10,809
I had to give myself the Heimlich.

861
00:46:11,977 --> 00:46:14,313
You mind waiting
for the punch line first, brother?

862
00:46:14,396 --> 00:46:16,523
I'm sorry, man.
It's just that you're so funny.

863
00:46:16,607 --> 00:46:18,192
You're so funny
the way you take a person's

864
00:46:18,275 --> 00:46:20,235
personal defects and flip it around.

865
00:46:20,944 --> 00:46:23,071
Like you pick somebody in the
room and say, "Look at your foot,"

866
00:46:23,155 --> 00:46:24,239
and everybody look
at it and start laughing.

867
00:46:24,323 --> 00:46:26,783
That's some funny shit, man.
You're on your way!

868
00:46:26,867 --> 00:46:30,996
You going to the top!
You're the next Lenny Bruce, man! Crazy!

869
00:46:31,580 --> 00:46:32,956
-Why, thank you. Thank you very much.
-That's genius.

870
00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:34,333
I'm glad you appreciate Reggie's show.

871
00:46:34,416 --> 00:46:36,168
That'd even work with me
doing it to you, Reggie.

872
00:46:36,251 --> 00:46:38,754
Yes, it would. If I would say,
look at Reggie's gums and teeth.

873
00:46:38,837 --> 00:46:40,923
Looks like his mother
had an affair with Mister Ed.

874
00:46:43,175 --> 00:46:44,426
See? Everybody's laughing.

875
00:46:45,052 --> 00:46:46,386
'Cause they can visualize your mother

876
00:46:46,470 --> 00:46:48,013
in a barn with Mister Ed, talking about...

877
00:46:48,096 --> 00:46:49,431
[neighing lustily]

878
00:46:52,017 --> 00:46:54,228
Look what I'm doing, Wilbur. Look at me!

879
00:46:55,646 --> 00:46:57,940
You snapping on me? Oh, oh, oh!

880
00:46:58,273 --> 00:47:00,692
Are you snapping on Reggie?

881
00:47:00,901 --> 00:47:02,152
It's your teeth, Reggie.

882
00:47:02,236 --> 00:47:05,072
I don't know whether
to smile at you or kick a field goal, man.

883
00:47:07,032 --> 00:47:09,034
Hey, Reggie! It's good!

884
00:47:09,826 --> 00:47:11,161
It's all good!

885
00:47:11,662 --> 00:47:14,414
And, man, what's wrong with that breath?
I can smell it over here.

886
00:47:14,498 --> 00:47:15,874
Reggie, your breath is so stink,

887
00:47:15,958 --> 00:47:17,459
people look forward to your farts.

888
00:47:19,461 --> 00:47:21,421
Breath smell like shit. Do you smell shit?

889
00:47:21,505 --> 00:47:22,589
[sniffing]

890
00:47:22,673 --> 00:47:24,174
I smell shit.

891
00:47:27,803 --> 00:47:29,513
You done did it now, boy.

892
00:47:30,556 --> 00:47:32,975
I wasn't gonna say nothing,
'cause I like black people.

893
00:47:33,267 --> 00:47:35,269
But it's time to attack black.

894
00:47:35,352 --> 00:47:38,313
That's right. Yeah!
The gloves coming off.

895
00:47:38,480 --> 00:47:39,523
Don't hurt me now!

896
00:47:39,773 --> 00:47:41,942
Maybe it's time for Reggie
to lay into your mama.

897
00:47:42,109 --> 00:47:43,485
[crowd cheers]

898
00:47:43,610 --> 00:47:45,612
Oh, yeah!

899
00:47:45,696 --> 00:47:49,408
Maybe it's time for Reggie
to talk about your mama a little bit.

900
00:47:49,658 --> 00:47:50,909
You're the man, Reggie!

901
00:47:51,243 --> 00:47:53,495
Your mother's so fat,

902
00:47:55,747 --> 00:47:58,750
she went to Sizzler's,
and the bitch got a group discount.

903
00:47:59,167 --> 00:48:00,877
[audience laughing]

904
00:48:00,961 --> 00:48:03,964
[hysterical laughing]

905
00:48:09,761 --> 00:48:11,680
[screaming]

906
00:48:13,181 --> 00:48:15,350
[screaming continues]

907
00:48:17,060 --> 00:48:19,354
[gasping] Okay, fat jokes!

908
00:48:20,188 --> 00:48:22,065
You want to do fat jokes? All right.

909
00:48:22,774 --> 00:48:24,318
Your mother's so fat,

910
00:48:24,776 --> 00:48:27,946
the bitch need a Thomas Guide
to find her asshole!

911
00:48:28,155 --> 00:48:29,781
[audience laughing]

912
00:48:30,115 --> 00:48:32,784
All right! Wait, wait, wait.
Your mother's so fat,

913
00:48:33,118 --> 00:48:36,538
after sex, I rolled over twice,
and I'm still on the bitch!

914
00:48:36,663 --> 00:48:39,416
-[laughing continues]
-Your mother is so fat,

915
00:48:39,499 --> 00:48:41,710
she fell in the Grand Canyon
and got stuck!

916
00:48:42,044 --> 00:48:43,503
Reggie's mama's so fat,

917
00:48:44,129 --> 00:48:46,757
that the bitch gets
her toenails painted at Earl Scheib!

918
00:48:47,382 --> 00:48:48,842
Earl Scheib!

919
00:48:49,092 --> 00:48:50,636
Earl Scheib!

920
00:48:52,220 --> 00:48:54,973
Hey, hey, get off the stage, man.
You ain't in show business.

921
00:48:55,057 --> 00:48:59,645
Reggie's mama is so fat,
her blood type is Rocky Road!

922
00:49:00,354 --> 00:49:01,897
Isn't that something?

923
00:49:01,980 --> 00:49:06,193
Reggie's mother is so fat,
her belt size is equator!

924
00:49:06,276 --> 00:49:07,319
[hooting]

925
00:49:07,402 --> 00:49:08,445
[cheering]

926
00:49:08,528 --> 00:49:09,905
Get it? Equator?

927
00:49:09,988 --> 00:49:12,407
[Buddy laughing hysterically]

928
00:49:14,951 --> 00:49:17,079
Let's get a big round of applause
for Reggie's mama's ass

929
00:49:17,162 --> 00:49:18,955
that brought us so much joy tonight.

930
00:49:19,247 --> 00:49:21,416
Yeah! That's a big ass.

931
00:49:21,917 --> 00:49:24,211
Enough! Silence!

932
00:49:24,795 --> 00:49:26,797
I can't take this shit no more.

933
00:49:27,381 --> 00:49:28,965
Now, you done talked about me enough, boy!

934
00:49:29,299 --> 00:49:32,302
I tried to be peaceful, but now it's time

935
00:49:32,386 --> 00:49:34,805
for Reggie to karatasize your ass!

936
00:49:34,888 --> 00:49:36,014
[whoops]

937
00:49:36,098 --> 00:49:37,557
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

938
00:49:37,641 --> 00:49:39,267
[laughing]

939
00:49:41,395 --> 00:49:43,897
Oh, Reggie,
I heard of dreadlocks, but shitlocks?

940
00:49:45,607 --> 00:49:48,527
That's not your hair.
Take that pile of shit off your head.

941
00:49:48,610 --> 00:49:49,695
[audience laughing]

942
00:49:49,778 --> 00:49:51,071
You go too far with the comedy, man.

943
00:49:51,154 --> 00:49:53,490
Oh, oh! [karate yell] Come on! Come on.

944
00:49:53,573 --> 00:49:55,200
-What's that?
-Oh, yeah, it's my style, boy.

945
00:49:55,283 --> 00:49:56,284
You didn't know Reggie studied.

946
00:49:56,368 --> 00:49:57,369
Oh, what style is that?

947
00:49:57,452 --> 00:49:59,204
This is called "Kick-Your-Ass Style," boy.

948
00:49:59,287 --> 00:50:00,789
-Oh, shit.
-Reggie done studied on the streets.

949
00:50:00,872 --> 00:50:02,124
Oh! Come on!

950
00:50:02,249 --> 00:50:03,542
[karate yell]

951
00:50:03,625 --> 00:50:04,626
Oh! Oh!

952
00:50:04,710 --> 00:50:05,919
[audience gasps]

953
00:50:06,002 --> 00:50:07,295
[laughing]

954
00:50:09,089 --> 00:50:11,466
Oh, you quick, but I'm quicker.

955
00:50:11,633 --> 00:50:12,718
-Watch my feet.
-Come on with it!

956
00:50:12,801 --> 00:50:14,886
I'm gonna come on with it.
I'm gonna come on with it. I'm gonna...

957
00:50:14,970 --> 00:50:16,138
[karate yells] Hey!

958
00:50:16,221 --> 00:50:17,305
[Reggie] Oh, damn!

959
00:50:17,389 --> 00:50:18,390
[audience gasps]

960
00:50:18,473 --> 00:50:20,016
Ladies and gentlemen,

961
00:50:20,100 --> 00:50:21,435
me and Reggie want to send one out

962
00:50:21,518 --> 00:50:23,812
to a very special lady
in the house tonight.

963
00:50:25,147 --> 00:50:26,106
[piano playing]

964
00:50:26,189 --> 00:50:30,110
♪ Lovin' you is easy
'Cause you're beautiful ♪

965
00:50:33,321 --> 00:50:35,866
Do-un-do-un-doo-doo. Reggie?

966
00:50:35,949 --> 00:50:36,992
[bones crack]

967
00:50:37,075 --> 00:50:39,161
[howling]

968
00:50:39,411 --> 00:50:40,370
Let go.

969
00:50:40,620 --> 00:50:41,621
That was pretty.

970
00:50:42,164 --> 00:50:44,583
Ladies and gentlemen,
Reggie has left the building.

971
00:50:44,666 --> 00:50:45,876
Thank you, and good night.

972
00:50:48,378 --> 00:50:50,130
[cheering]

973
00:50:52,090 --> 00:50:55,761
Oh, stop it! Stop it!
Now, thank you so much. Thank you.

974
00:50:55,844 --> 00:50:58,013
Thank you so...
Oh, please, please, come on now.

975
00:50:58,096 --> 00:51:01,850
Hey, who pinched my ass?
Cut it out. That's good.

976
00:51:01,933 --> 00:51:03,810
All right. Thank you.
Can you get the bill for me?

977
00:51:03,894 --> 00:51:05,771
Thanks, man. Too much!

978
00:51:05,854 --> 00:51:07,814
That was amazing.
I can't believe you did that.

979
00:51:07,898 --> 00:51:09,900
Believe it, 'cause amazing
is my middle name.

980
00:51:09,983 --> 00:51:12,527
I only wish Professor Klump
was here to have seen it.

981
00:51:12,611 --> 00:51:13,445
Listen.

982
00:51:14,613 --> 00:51:15,572
This is our moment.

983
00:51:16,031 --> 00:51:17,741
I don't wanna ruin it
with talks of Sherman.

984
00:51:19,367 --> 00:51:21,077
You know, your eyes, there's something

985
00:51:21,661 --> 00:51:23,330
very familiar about them,

986
00:51:24,206 --> 00:51:25,916
as if I already know you.

987
00:51:27,417 --> 00:51:30,170
You know, I feel the exact same
way about you, Miss Purty.

988
00:51:31,213 --> 00:51:33,715
[ballad playing on sound system]

989
00:51:42,891 --> 00:51:44,476
Miss Purty, let me tell you.

990
00:51:44,810 --> 00:51:45,727
[in the Professor's voice]
That kiss was probably

991
00:51:45,811 --> 00:51:47,771
the most wonderful kiss I've ever--

992
00:51:48,814 --> 00:51:49,856
[clears throat]

993
00:51:50,357 --> 00:51:52,025
What I meant to say was that...

994
00:51:52,734 --> 00:51:53,985
-Your lip.
-What?

995
00:51:54,069 --> 00:51:56,029
-Your lip is swollen.
-My lip?

996
00:51:56,112 --> 00:51:57,072
Yes.

997
00:51:57,948 --> 00:51:58,865
Oh, my lip?

998
00:51:59,741 --> 00:52:02,327
That happens every time I...
What kind of lipstick do you have on?

999
00:52:02,410 --> 00:52:04,412
-Chanel.
-Oh, yeah, that happens every time

1000
00:52:04,496 --> 00:52:06,915
I have Chanel lipstick on my lips.
An allergic reaction.

1001
00:52:06,998 --> 00:52:08,208
[rumbling]

1002
00:52:08,416 --> 00:52:11,461
It's giving me gas, too.
You have to go catch a cab.

1003
00:52:11,545 --> 00:52:14,798
I gotta go to the drugstore
and get some Benadryl and Kaopectate.

1004
00:52:14,881 --> 00:52:16,299
Excuse me, have a pleasant evening.
Bye, bye!

1005
00:52:16,383 --> 00:52:17,843
Buddy! Buddy, wait!

1006
00:52:17,926 --> 00:52:19,678
[music continues]

1007
00:52:19,803 --> 00:52:21,012
Oh, man.

1008
00:52:21,763 --> 00:52:23,640
-Hey, Professor Klump is here?
-Yeah.

1009
00:52:23,723 --> 00:52:24,808
Where is he?

1010
00:52:25,267 --> 00:52:26,726
There he is, right there.

1011
00:52:26,810 --> 00:52:28,186
That guy gave you this credit card?

1012
00:52:28,270 --> 00:52:29,229
Yup.

1013
00:52:29,604 --> 00:52:31,398
That's not Professor Klump.

1014
00:52:31,648 --> 00:52:34,109
-That's not his credit card. Hey!
-What?

1015
00:52:36,695 --> 00:52:38,780
Hey! Hey!

1016
00:52:40,949 --> 00:52:43,451
Okay, fella, what are you doing
with the Professor's credit card?

1017
00:52:43,535 --> 00:52:44,369
Where'd you get it?

1018
00:52:45,328 --> 00:52:46,872
Look, man. I'm sorry. Perhaps you need

1019
00:52:46,955 --> 00:52:48,623
the money more than I thought...

1020
00:52:52,460 --> 00:52:54,754
[Jason groans]

1021
00:52:56,131 --> 00:52:58,800
[Jason screaming] Oh, my God,
man, what the hell are you...

1022
00:52:59,759 --> 00:53:01,469
[screaming]

1023
00:53:07,183 --> 00:53:10,353
Oh, my God! That's a bus!

1024
00:53:10,437 --> 00:53:13,607
You're gonna kill us, man!
What the hell is the matter...

1025
00:53:14,316 --> 00:53:17,235
Oh, man! This is Freddy Krueger shit, man!

1026
00:53:18,653 --> 00:53:19,738
Professor?

1027
00:53:22,157 --> 00:53:23,241
Hello, Jason.

1028
00:53:24,618 --> 00:53:26,953
[Jason screaming] What's happening?

1029
00:53:32,667 --> 00:53:34,169
[siren wailing]

1030
00:53:39,674 --> 00:53:42,260
First time we had to use
one of these without an accident.

1031
00:53:54,731 --> 00:53:56,107
[panting]

1032
00:54:03,615 --> 00:54:05,367
The class left 20 minutes ago.

1033
00:54:05,450 --> 00:54:08,119
Dean Richmond! Oh, hello, sir.

1034
00:54:08,203 --> 00:54:11,373
You caught me in the middle
of an experiment I was doing.

1035
00:54:11,456 --> 00:54:12,874
I was trying to see
how the students would respond

1036
00:54:12,958 --> 00:54:14,960
to a teacher-less environment.

1037
00:54:15,043 --> 00:54:18,380
Teacher-less environment?
New field of research for you?

1038
00:54:18,922 --> 00:54:20,799
-Yes, sir.
-Interesting. Always thinking.

1039
00:54:20,882 --> 00:54:22,300
That's good, Klump.
Let me know your results.

1040
00:54:22,384 --> 00:54:23,927
By the way,
would you mind explaining this?

1041
00:54:27,263 --> 00:54:30,934
Oh! Yeah, well, my car's in the shop, so--

1042
00:54:31,017 --> 00:54:34,980
So you put a $47,000 luxury car
on your faculty account?

1043
00:54:35,647 --> 00:54:40,318
Initially, I requested a Yugo,
and this is all they had...

1044
00:54:40,402 --> 00:54:42,153
If it's all they had, it's all they had.

1045
00:54:42,237 --> 00:54:45,365
After all, men like us
can't walk around now, can we?

1046
00:54:46,408 --> 00:54:47,659
[chuckling] Come on.

1047
00:54:48,660 --> 00:54:49,995
[both laughing]

1048
00:54:50,078 --> 00:54:52,998
Oh, well, well.
I'm glad you're taking it like that, sir.

1049
00:54:53,081 --> 00:54:54,541
I thought you was gonna get angry,

1050
00:54:54,624 --> 00:54:55,750
and thought you were gonna start screaming

1051
00:54:55,834 --> 00:54:58,545
and hollering, and maybe even fire me.

1052
00:55:00,463 --> 00:55:02,173
-[laughing] Whoo!
-Oh, Sherman, Sherman, Sherman.

1053
00:55:02,257 --> 00:55:03,967
In the end, we know
so little of each other.

1054
00:55:04,426 --> 00:55:06,553
No, my friend,
I've got bigger fish to fry.

1055
00:55:06,636 --> 00:55:08,763
I spoke to Harlan Hartley.
You remember him.

1056
00:55:08,847 --> 00:55:11,558
He's offering that tiny trinket that could
save your entire research program.

1057
00:55:11,641 --> 00:55:14,019
-Oh, yes. Absolutely, yes, yes.
-I set up a meeting with him.

1058
00:55:14,102 --> 00:55:17,022
He wants to hear
your grant proposal personally.

1059
00:55:17,105 --> 00:55:19,441
Friday, the Ritz, dinner, 8:00 sharp.

1060
00:55:19,649 --> 00:55:22,694
Well, sir, I think
that's a wonderful idea, sir. Absolutely.

1061
00:55:22,777 --> 00:55:25,071
And I promise you,
I will not let you down.

1062
00:55:25,530 --> 00:55:26,656
You won't. I know you won't.

1063
00:55:26,740 --> 00:55:28,658
I know you're going to be there,
and you're going to be great.

1064
00:55:28,742 --> 00:55:30,326
In fact, I know
you're going to be perfect.

1065
00:55:30,493 --> 00:55:31,870
[laughing]

1066
00:55:32,078 --> 00:55:33,246
Do you know how I know all these things?

1067
00:55:33,329 --> 00:55:34,330
How's that?

1068
00:55:34,414 --> 00:55:36,583
I know them because if you're not perfect,

1069
00:55:36,958 --> 00:55:38,585
never mind the yelling
and the screaming and the firing.

1070
00:55:38,668 --> 00:55:40,211
If anything goes wrong for any reason,

1071
00:55:41,504 --> 00:55:42,630
I'm going to kill you.

1072
00:55:43,798 --> 00:55:45,008
I don't mean that as a euphemism.

1073
00:55:45,091 --> 00:55:46,801
I'm going to literally kill you.

1074
00:55:47,052 --> 00:55:51,097
I'm going to strangle you
and choke off your air supply

1075
00:55:51,723 --> 00:55:52,849
until you pass away.

1076
00:55:55,268 --> 00:55:57,145
Oh! Okay.

1077
00:55:57,812 --> 00:55:58,938
Till Friday, then.

1078
00:56:01,649 --> 00:56:02,650
It's a date.

1079
00:56:04,152 --> 00:56:06,362
[school bell ringing]

1080
00:56:10,241 --> 00:56:12,243
Sir, this is incredible.

1081
00:56:12,327 --> 00:56:14,537
It's a complete metabolic transformation.

1082
00:56:14,621 --> 00:56:16,664
How did it happen? Was it an accident?

1083
00:56:17,332 --> 00:56:19,084
No, I did it to myself, Jason.

1084
00:56:19,834 --> 00:56:21,920
You did? Why?

1085
00:56:22,003 --> 00:56:26,049
If it was for the grant, the data with
Shelley was already so compelling.

1086
00:56:26,424 --> 00:56:28,927
Well, I have compelling reasons
of my own, Jason.

1087
00:56:29,803 --> 00:56:32,806
I have a case of
infatuation of sorts with Miss Purty.

1088
00:56:32,889 --> 00:56:37,143
Professor, if you feel this way about
Carla, why don't you just tell her?

1089
00:56:37,227 --> 00:56:39,104
It'd be a lot simpler
than transforming into--

1090
00:56:39,187 --> 00:56:41,898
This guy's testosterone levels
are right off the charts.

1091
00:56:42,232 --> 00:56:44,984
He was mean last night.
It was so unlike you.

1092
00:56:45,527 --> 00:56:46,820
You know, I did feel that.

1093
00:56:46,903 --> 00:56:48,238
Sir, you can't control him.

1094
00:56:48,738 --> 00:56:51,616
Jason, you have no idea
what it feels like to be Buddy Love.

1095
00:56:52,200 --> 00:56:54,494
It's indescribable. It's just wonderful!

1096
00:56:55,203 --> 00:56:58,623
The way people talk to him and treat him,
and the way she looks at him.

1097
00:56:58,706 --> 00:57:01,251
But he's dangerous.
He almost killed us last night.

1098
00:57:01,334 --> 00:57:02,627
I mean, we should be concentrating on

1099
00:57:02,710 --> 00:57:05,130
getting the grant proposal
to Harlan Hartley.

1100
00:57:05,296 --> 00:57:06,464
This is nuts!

1101
00:57:09,342 --> 00:57:12,137
I guess you're right, Jason.
I never have behaved like this before.

1102
00:57:15,431 --> 00:57:16,683
But on the other hand,

1103
00:57:19,185 --> 00:57:20,645
I've never been in love before.

1104
00:57:22,272 --> 00:57:23,231
Ever.

1105
00:57:43,209 --> 00:57:44,377
Afternoon, Carla.

1106
00:57:44,461 --> 00:57:45,628
Hi, Sherman.

1107
00:57:45,712 --> 00:57:46,880
How are you doing today?

1108
00:57:47,213 --> 00:57:48,214
Pretty good.

1109
00:57:48,631 --> 00:57:50,550
Come over to see how things
were going with you and Buddy.

1110
00:57:51,801 --> 00:57:53,428
I wish I knew.

1111
00:57:53,803 --> 00:57:57,348
We went out last night. It was great.
We had such a wonderful time.

1112
00:57:57,432 --> 00:57:59,809
And then all of a sudden,
he runs out of the club.

1113
00:57:59,893 --> 00:58:01,561
He has some allergic reaction.

1114
00:58:01,644 --> 00:58:03,188
And I don't even know if he's all right.

1115
00:58:03,271 --> 00:58:05,106
He's fine. I spoke to him this morning.

1116
00:58:05,190 --> 00:58:06,357
He told me that his lip swelled up,

1117
00:58:06,441 --> 00:58:08,067
he put a little ice on it
and the swelling came down.

1118
00:58:08,151 --> 00:58:09,194
Kind of strange, huh?

1119
00:58:09,277 --> 00:58:11,654
Well, did he even ask about me?

1120
00:58:11,738 --> 00:58:13,198
Did he say why he didn't call me

1121
00:58:13,281 --> 00:58:14,616
and let me know he was all right?

1122
00:58:15,200 --> 00:58:16,784
Carla, Buddy's kind of unreliable.

1123
00:58:16,868 --> 00:58:18,369
He's kind of what you call a...

1124
00:58:18,453 --> 00:58:20,371
"here today,
gone tomorrow" kind of fellow.

1125
00:58:20,830 --> 00:58:22,540
-Oh, I see.
-Mmm-hmm.

1126
00:58:22,624 --> 00:58:26,628
So he had you talk to me
because he's not interested anymore.

1127
00:58:26,711 --> 00:58:28,713
-No, it's nothing quite like that.
-Look.

1128
00:58:28,796 --> 00:58:30,048
Sherman, I know what it feels like

1129
00:58:30,131 --> 00:58:31,966
to be brushed off, and it's okay.

1130
00:58:32,467 --> 00:58:34,260
Carla, I feel like this is all my fault.

1131
00:58:34,344 --> 00:58:36,721
I feel like I should've never
encouraged you to go out with Buddy.

1132
00:58:37,013 --> 00:58:39,015
Sherman, you have been so sweet.

1133
00:58:40,099 --> 00:58:43,561
I'll just have to forget about him.
I'll see you later.

1134
00:58:44,646 --> 00:58:45,522
Carla.

1135
00:58:47,941 --> 00:58:49,067
I was wondering if

1136
00:58:49,817 --> 00:58:52,695
I could talk to you about
you and I, for a second.

1137
00:58:52,779 --> 00:58:53,821
I was...

1138
00:58:56,366 --> 00:58:58,493
I was wondering what you were doing later,

1139
00:58:58,576 --> 00:59:01,079
'cause the family gonna get together.

1140
00:59:01,579 --> 00:59:03,581
She made a meal

1141
00:59:04,332 --> 00:59:06,167
and we gonna be eating, so I figured if

1142
00:59:06,501 --> 00:59:08,086
you not doing anything for dinner,

1143
00:59:08,169 --> 00:59:10,838
I know we'd love to have you,
if you want to come over for dinner.

1144
00:59:12,882 --> 00:59:14,133
We'd love to have you over for dinner.

1145
00:59:16,344 --> 00:59:17,262
I'd love to.

1146
00:59:17,971 --> 00:59:18,972
Would you, now?

1147
00:59:19,055 --> 00:59:20,306
Yes, I would.

1148
00:59:20,390 --> 00:59:22,642
Should we call and make sure
there's going to be enough food?

1149
00:59:23,309 --> 00:59:25,019
I don't think that's
going to be a problem.

1150
00:59:26,020 --> 00:59:27,063
[all chattering]

1151
00:59:27,146 --> 00:59:29,357
[Mama] Oh, this is fabulous.
There's nothing like being with family!

1152
00:59:29,440 --> 00:59:31,568
[Grandma] I am hungry. Come on, now.

1153
00:59:31,651 --> 00:59:33,778
-So, Carla, where are you from?
-Chicago.

1154
00:59:33,861 --> 00:59:35,780
Oh, Chicago! We have family there.

1155
00:59:35,863 --> 00:59:37,615
[Papa] Chicago. Windy City, huh?

1156
00:59:37,699 --> 00:59:39,993
I was working on a skyscraper
in Chicago once,

1157
00:59:40,076 --> 00:59:42,161
and my lunch blew off the 27th floor.

1158
00:59:42,245 --> 00:59:44,706
Yeah, I figure your fat ass would remember

1159
00:59:44,789 --> 00:59:47,083
somebody's sandwich flying off a building.

1160
00:59:47,166 --> 00:59:48,209
[loud belch]

1161
00:59:48,293 --> 00:59:49,794
Oh, baby, eat some bread.

1162
00:59:49,877 --> 00:59:52,255
Miss Purty, are you
and Sherman having relations?

1163
00:59:52,422 --> 00:59:53,631
[together] That's a good question.

1164
00:59:53,798 --> 00:59:55,633
Uh, no, Grandma.

1165
00:59:55,717 --> 00:59:57,885
It's not like that. We're colleagues.

1166
00:59:58,136 --> 00:59:59,679
-[Professor] We just work together.
-Oh. Colleagues.

1167
00:59:59,762 --> 01:00:01,681
Yeah, that's how it start out, colleagues.

1168
01:00:01,764 --> 01:00:03,558
Me and your grandfather was colleagues.

1169
01:00:03,641 --> 01:00:05,310
Next thing you know, he's on top of me

1170
01:00:05,393 --> 01:00:06,978
in the shed, pumping and a-sweating.

1171
01:00:07,228 --> 01:00:08,313
Grandma, it's not like that.

1172
01:00:08,396 --> 01:00:09,480
[Papa] Sherman, will you hush up?

1173
01:00:09,564 --> 01:00:10,815
He's never brought a girl home.

1174
01:00:10,898 --> 01:00:12,275
The least you can do
is let us talk to her.

1175
01:00:12,609 --> 01:00:14,694
Yeah, I'd like to get to know
her a little better myself.

1176
01:00:14,777 --> 01:00:17,530
Ain't nothing wrong with having relations.
Don't be ashamed of that.

1177
01:00:17,614 --> 01:00:18,823
Relations is beautiful.

1178
01:00:19,240 --> 01:00:21,659
When I was young,
I used to always have relations.

1179
01:00:21,743 --> 01:00:26,289
Every night, if a nice gentleman
bring me flowers and candy,

1180
01:00:26,372 --> 01:00:29,751
take me to a movie,
show me a lovely evening,

1181
01:00:30,251 --> 01:00:34,339
then I would take him home
and give him hot, lovely relations.

1182
01:00:34,422 --> 01:00:37,300
Relations is a beautiful thing.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.

1183
01:00:37,383 --> 01:00:39,802
Especially two young people.

1184
01:00:39,927 --> 01:00:42,263
-That's your ho-ass, Mama.
-Cletus!

1185
01:00:42,347 --> 01:00:44,682
Sometimes when I'm alone,
I relate to myself.

1186
01:00:44,807 --> 01:00:45,808
I can relate.

1187
01:00:46,476 --> 01:00:48,019
Oh, Mama.

1188
01:00:48,102 --> 01:00:50,229
I don't wanna hear
this shit while I'm eating.

1189
01:00:50,313 --> 01:00:52,523
-[Mama] Cletus! Stop talking!
-[whispering] I'm gonna kill you later.

1190
01:00:52,607 --> 01:00:54,525
-So, Carla, do you like children?
-Yes.

1191
01:00:54,609 --> 01:00:55,985
Oh, that's wonderful.

1192
01:00:56,069 --> 01:00:58,613
I can't wait for Sherman to bring me
home some grand-babies.

1193
01:00:58,696 --> 01:01:00,615
[Ernie] Yeah, I know you're
gonna enjoy making them babies.

1194
01:01:00,782 --> 01:01:02,659
Got those childbearing hips.

1195
01:01:02,825 --> 01:01:04,077
-[clears throat]
-Baby'll pop right out.

1196
01:01:04,160 --> 01:01:05,161
[makes popping sound]

1197
01:01:05,453 --> 01:01:08,081
Your family got any money?
I ain't paying for no big-ass wedding.

1198
01:01:08,164 --> 01:01:10,041
Oh, Carla, I know a wonderful minister.

1199
01:01:10,124 --> 01:01:11,292
What religious background are you?

1200
01:01:11,376 --> 01:01:13,086
[Grandma] Yeah, I still got
my wedding dress.

1201
01:01:13,169 --> 01:01:14,837
If you want it, I'll take it in.

1202
01:01:14,921 --> 01:01:19,050
You'd look so lovely in it.
It's white though.

1203
01:01:19,258 --> 01:01:21,803
Can you wear a white wedding dress,
young lady?

1204
01:01:21,886 --> 01:01:24,597
Now, Sherman, you can wear a white tuxedo.

1205
01:01:25,682 --> 01:01:27,517
'Cause you know Sherman.

1206
01:01:27,600 --> 01:01:29,352
[whispering] Sherman's
has never had relations.

1207
01:01:29,644 --> 01:01:31,521
Mama, you gonna embarrass my baby.

1208
01:01:31,604 --> 01:01:32,730
[Grandma] I hope you got a strong back.

1209
01:01:32,814 --> 01:01:33,898
[Mama] Oh, look at my baby blushing.

1210
01:01:33,981 --> 01:01:38,111
When you get all that man
and release all that that's been built up

1211
01:01:38,194 --> 01:01:41,030
for 35 years.

1212
01:01:41,155 --> 01:01:44,200
Just wanting and wanting and wanting!

1213
01:01:44,659 --> 01:01:46,911
[exclaims] Might make your head blow off.

1214
01:01:46,994 --> 01:01:48,663
Pop goes the weasel!

1215
01:01:48,788 --> 01:01:51,666
I got my own self hot telling that story.

1216
01:01:51,749 --> 01:01:53,960
Pop goes the weasel,
'cause the weasel say "pop!"

1217
01:01:54,043 --> 01:01:56,254
Carla, you and Sherman gonna get
married here or in Chicago?

1218
01:01:56,337 --> 01:01:59,298
[Mama] Carla, do you cook?
'Cause somebody's got to feed my Sherman.

1219
01:01:59,382 --> 01:02:02,135
Yeah, I know a wonderful church
down there on Main Street,

1220
01:02:02,218 --> 01:02:04,303
but they won't marry you
if you're a lesbian.

1221
01:02:04,637 --> 01:02:07,640
Not that I have anything against lesbians.
I love lesbians.

1222
01:02:07,724 --> 01:02:09,767
-Lesbians is cool.
-It's true.

1223
01:02:09,851 --> 01:02:11,436
There's nothing wrong with a little bingo.

1224
01:02:11,519 --> 01:02:13,438
A little cunnilingus
ain't never hurt nobody.

1225
01:02:13,521 --> 01:02:14,939
Why is it the woman always gets the choice

1226
01:02:15,022 --> 01:02:16,107
where they're gonna be married?

1227
01:02:16,190 --> 01:02:17,608
-Cause that's tradition.
-Tradition, my ass!

1228
01:02:17,692 --> 01:02:19,902
Look, I ain't gonna pay for
everybody flying to no Chicago!

1229
01:02:19,986 --> 01:02:21,279
You know how much plane tickets cost?

1230
01:02:21,362 --> 01:02:23,030
You old, cheap bastard.

1231
01:02:23,489 --> 01:02:24,615
[Papa] We're gonna
have to drive down there.

1232
01:02:24,699 --> 01:02:25,950
I'm not driving over to Chicago.

1233
01:02:26,033 --> 01:02:27,285
What do you mean
you ain't gonna drive to Chicago?

1234
01:02:27,368 --> 01:02:28,494
Then you gonna
be walking or riding a bike.

1235
01:02:28,578 --> 01:02:30,413
♪ Sherman gonna have relations ♪

1236
01:02:30,496 --> 01:02:32,373
♪ Sherman gonna have relations ♪

1237
01:02:32,457 --> 01:02:35,168
-My baby is not getting married.
-Oh, yeah?

1238
01:02:35,376 --> 01:02:36,419
[loud fart]

1239
01:02:36,502 --> 01:02:37,795
There you go again,

1240
01:02:37,879 --> 01:02:40,381
popping off gas
in front of this lovely, young lady.

1241
01:02:40,465 --> 01:02:42,633
We're trying to have a meal.
Put that brake on this gas.

1242
01:02:42,717 --> 01:02:44,886
I hope your ass turn into a frog.

1243
01:02:45,803 --> 01:02:47,764
Don't nobody want to hear your flatulence,
Cletus Klump.

1244
01:02:47,847 --> 01:02:48,973
[loud fart]

1245
01:02:49,056 --> 01:02:50,057
[Mama] You're such a disgrace!

1246
01:02:50,141 --> 01:02:52,018
[Papa] I stopped holding
my gas a long time ago, you know that.

1247
01:02:52,101 --> 01:02:53,811
[Mama] Cletus, you gonna spoil
the dinner for everybody!

1248
01:02:53,895 --> 01:02:54,896
[Ernie, Jr. laughing]

1249
01:02:54,979 --> 01:02:56,063
[Papa] Say one more word.
Say one more word.

1250
01:02:56,147 --> 01:02:57,607
[chattering continues]

1251
01:02:57,690 --> 01:02:59,233
[bell tolling]

1252
01:02:59,859 --> 01:03:00,943
Listen, Carla,

1253
01:03:01,277 --> 01:03:03,488
I want to apologize
about my family back there.

1254
01:03:03,571 --> 01:03:05,490
I think they got
the wrong idea about things.

1255
01:03:05,573 --> 01:03:08,201
Oh, no, no.
I should be the one to apologize.

1256
01:03:08,284 --> 01:03:10,620
I'm so sorry if I seemed distant tonight.

1257
01:03:10,912 --> 01:03:13,206
But I still have Buddy on my mind.

1258
01:03:13,956 --> 01:03:15,583
You really care for Buddy, huh?

1259
01:03:16,292 --> 01:03:21,839
I don't know. I mean, on the outside,
he seems so cocky and brash.

1260
01:03:21,923 --> 01:03:25,593
But when I look in his eyes,
I see kindness, I see warmth.

1261
01:03:25,676 --> 01:03:28,137
And that's the side of Buddy
I wanted to get to know.

1262
01:03:28,221 --> 01:03:30,348
I just got way ahead of myself.

1263
01:03:31,015 --> 01:03:31,974
And here I am,

1264
01:03:32,058 --> 01:03:34,727
talking your ear off
once again about Buddy.

1265
01:03:34,811 --> 01:03:36,229
No, it's quite all right, really.

1266
01:03:36,312 --> 01:03:38,105
Listen, Carla,

1267
01:03:39,565 --> 01:03:41,067
don't you worry about Buddy.

1268
01:03:42,109 --> 01:03:43,528
I'll find him for you.

1269
01:03:45,279 --> 01:03:46,572
Thank you, Sherman.

1270
01:03:47,406 --> 01:03:49,617
Thank you for being
such a good friend to me.

1271
01:03:52,036 --> 01:03:53,037
A good friend.

1272
01:04:00,795 --> 01:04:01,921
Good night.

1273
01:04:02,296 --> 01:04:03,339
Good night.

1274
01:04:12,598 --> 01:04:13,891
[sighs]

1275
01:04:26,696 --> 01:04:28,489
[loud crashing]

1276
01:04:29,156 --> 01:04:30,491
Professor?

1277
01:04:32,493 --> 01:04:33,327
Is that you?

1278
01:04:34,161 --> 01:04:35,788
I just finished the grant proposal.

1279
01:04:40,751 --> 01:04:43,337
What's the matter with you? Never seen
a brother wearing a circus tent before?

1280
01:04:43,671 --> 01:04:45,047
Black man can't go camping?

1281
01:04:45,131 --> 01:04:47,258
Now, wait a minute. You can't be you.

1282
01:04:47,341 --> 01:04:49,427
We agreed that you wouldn't do this.

1283
01:04:49,510 --> 01:04:51,762
Someone has to tend
to chunky butt's sex life.

1284
01:04:51,846 --> 01:04:54,473
Chunky butt is extremely horny. Excuse me.

1285
01:04:54,974 --> 01:04:56,767
But Professor Klump has got a meeting

1286
01:04:56,851 --> 01:04:58,603
tonight with Harlan Hartley at the Ritz.

1287
01:04:58,686 --> 01:05:00,104
I'm gonna be at the Ritz tonight,

1288
01:05:00,187 --> 01:05:01,564
but it will not be in
the interest of science.

1289
01:05:01,647 --> 01:05:04,191
-Pardon me.
-No! I can't let you go.

1290
01:05:04,984 --> 01:05:06,402
Professor!

1291
01:05:06,652 --> 01:05:10,948
If you're in there
and you can hear me, come out!

1292
01:05:11,490 --> 01:05:15,328
Professor, listen to me.
The testosterone levels are way too high.

1293
01:05:15,411 --> 01:05:17,038
You can't control him.

1294
01:05:17,121 --> 01:05:18,748
[wheezing]

1295
01:05:19,081 --> 01:05:20,583
[groaning]

1296
01:05:20,666 --> 01:05:22,960
[moaning]

1297
01:05:23,252 --> 01:05:25,171
-Oh! Jason!
-What?

1298
01:05:25,254 --> 01:05:27,840
[gasping] It's me, Sherman.
I'm talking to you

1299
01:05:27,924 --> 01:05:29,675
from deep down inside Buddy Love.

1300
01:05:29,759 --> 01:05:33,054
Listen to me closely.
Go in the back room while I'm holding him

1301
01:05:33,137 --> 01:05:35,389
and get the coagulant serum
off the back shelf!

1302
01:05:35,473 --> 01:05:36,641
-In the storage closet?
-Yes, Jason!

1303
01:05:36,724 --> 01:05:38,392
-I got it!
-Hurry, Jason!

1304
01:05:38,476 --> 01:05:41,228
-I got it! I got it! I got it!
-We don't have much time. Let's move!

1305
01:05:41,312 --> 01:05:42,521
[yells]

1306
01:05:42,605 --> 01:05:43,940
[maniacal laughing]

1307
01:05:44,023 --> 01:05:45,983
Professor! Professor!

1308
01:05:46,067 --> 01:05:49,028
I have an appointment with love!
Good night, hamster boy!

1309
01:05:49,111 --> 01:05:50,571
-[pounding on door]
-[Jason] No, Professor!

1310
01:05:50,655 --> 01:05:51,781
[screaming]

1311
01:06:13,469 --> 01:06:16,347
"Sorry I haven't phoned,
but I haven't been myself lately.

1312
01:06:16,973 --> 01:06:18,599
"Join me for dinner. Buddy Love.

1313
01:06:19,558 --> 01:06:23,729
"P.S.: I've enclosed
a wallet-sized photo for your enjoyment."

1314
01:06:25,648 --> 01:06:26,857
[chuckling]

1315
01:06:28,943 --> 01:06:30,611
[classical music playing]

1316
01:06:32,697 --> 01:06:35,491
Buddy, how can I stay mad at you?
This is gorgeous!

1317
01:06:35,574 --> 01:06:36,826
You're gorgeous and I'm gorgeous,

1318
01:06:36,909 --> 01:06:38,202
so we should be in gorgeous surroundings.

1319
01:06:38,285 --> 01:06:39,370
Let me get the room key.

1320
01:06:39,453 --> 01:06:40,579
Wait a minute. Hold it. Hold it.

1321
01:06:40,788 --> 01:06:42,790
Buddy, I didn't say anything
about going to any room with you.

1322
01:06:42,873 --> 01:06:44,750
You said you were taking me to dinner.

1323
01:06:45,543 --> 01:06:48,379
What are you talking about?
Oh, you think that...

1324
01:06:48,462 --> 01:06:50,464
Oh, my... Hey, hey, hey. Slow down.

1325
01:06:50,548 --> 01:06:53,259
You are so... I just want to spend
some time with you, by ourselves.

1326
01:06:53,342 --> 01:06:54,677
I don't want to
be around all these strangers.

1327
01:06:54,760 --> 01:06:57,555
I don't want to share you with
these people. I want to eat, alone, quiet.

1328
01:06:57,638 --> 01:07:00,808
I would never disrespect you.
I'm a puppy dog.

1329
01:07:02,393 --> 01:07:03,769
Please, can I go get this room?

1330
01:07:04,687 --> 01:07:05,938
[woofs softly]

1331
01:07:06,731 --> 01:07:08,357
-Yes?
-Yes.

1332
01:07:08,983 --> 01:07:11,068
I'd throw him in the river
with a Buick tied to his neck.

1333
01:07:11,152 --> 01:07:12,570
He'd probably drag the car down.

1334
01:07:12,653 --> 01:07:14,572
-Miss Purty. Purty!
-Dean Richmond.

1335
01:07:14,655 --> 01:07:17,158
Have you seen Professor Klump?
He's 40 minutes late for his meeting.

1336
01:07:17,241 --> 01:07:19,869
And if Harlan Hartley walks out that
door, $10 million goes with him.

1337
01:07:20,202 --> 01:07:21,454
Oh, Lord.

1338
01:07:21,537 --> 01:07:23,080
I'm gonna have
to lay down in front of his car.

1339
01:07:23,164 --> 01:07:24,123
-Let's go.
-Buddy, no, no,

1340
01:07:24,206 --> 01:07:25,541
you know Sherman's research.

1341
01:07:25,624 --> 01:07:27,752
He's 40 minutes late for a meeting.
Why don't you fill in for him?

1342
01:07:27,835 --> 01:07:30,504
No, no, it's a nice thought,
but he'd have to know Sherman's research.

1343
01:07:30,588 --> 01:07:32,423
He knows Sherman's research?
You know Sherman's research?

1344
01:07:32,506 --> 01:07:33,591
Who's he? Who are you?

1345
01:07:33,674 --> 01:07:35,593
You might say I'm a visiting professor

1346
01:07:35,676 --> 01:07:36,927
who might be staying for a little while.

1347
01:07:37,011 --> 01:07:39,472
I do know Sherman's work.
In fact, I am Sherman's work.

1348
01:07:39,764 --> 01:07:41,891
-Buddy!
-Do you think you can do Klump's job

1349
01:07:41,974 --> 01:07:43,601
and help me crowbar that dough
out of Hartley?

1350
01:07:43,768 --> 01:07:45,519
Hey, man, there's not a job on this planet

1351
01:07:45,603 --> 01:07:46,937
I can't do twice as good as Sherman.

1352
01:07:47,021 --> 01:07:48,355
Good. Follow me.

1353
01:07:50,149 --> 01:07:52,902
All right, I'll go do this just
'cause you asked me, not 'cause of him.

1354
01:07:53,110 --> 01:07:54,528
You just stay put.

1355
01:07:54,904 --> 01:07:58,115
I've got to go be brilliant.
Look at your fine self.

1356
01:07:58,240 --> 01:08:00,868
I bet you have on a thong
made of licorice, don't you?

1357
01:08:01,786 --> 01:08:02,745
Excuse me.

1358
01:08:04,163 --> 01:08:05,790
[Richmond laughing]

1359
01:08:05,915 --> 01:08:07,416
All...righty!

1360
01:08:07,625 --> 01:08:09,668
Well, this had better be Professor Klump.

1361
01:08:09,752 --> 01:08:12,379
Klump? That fraud,
that hack, that no-talent.

1362
01:08:12,463 --> 01:08:15,216
No, sir, this is the man behind
Klump's work, the real genius.

1363
01:08:15,299 --> 01:08:17,468
I give you Professor Buddy Love.

1364
01:08:17,676 --> 01:08:19,178
All right, Professor Love.

1365
01:08:19,261 --> 01:08:21,180
You have one minute
to show me your research.

1366
01:08:21,388 --> 01:08:25,226
Oh, no, you got it backwards, Rockefeller.
You have one minute to listen.

1367
01:08:25,434 --> 01:08:27,061
May I borrow this, please?
You haven't used it, have you?

1368
01:08:27,144 --> 01:08:28,562
Don't want to get
your boogers on my fingers.

1369
01:08:28,646 --> 01:08:29,730
Okay. Here we go.

1370
01:08:29,814 --> 01:08:32,358
25N times C.

1371
01:08:33,067 --> 01:08:36,445
You have to excuse my handwriting.
I'm in a bit of a rush.

1372
01:08:36,529 --> 01:08:38,656
But you have a pleasant evening.
Good night.

1373
01:08:38,739 --> 01:08:40,074
Professor Love,

1374
01:08:40,157 --> 01:08:42,284
don't you think Mr. Hartley would like

1375
01:08:42,368 --> 01:08:44,245
to know what that means in lay terms?

1376
01:08:44,370 --> 01:08:45,329
[chuckles]

1377
01:08:45,412 --> 01:08:47,039
-Oh, you mean rich-dummy terms?
-Yes.

1378
01:08:47,123 --> 01:08:49,333
Okay, yeah. I'll break it down
for all the rich dummies in the room.

1379
01:08:49,416 --> 01:08:50,543
Listen up.

1380
01:08:50,626 --> 01:08:53,587
If you gonna eat nasty stuff like this...

1381
01:08:53,712 --> 01:08:56,465
I know it looks good,
and some of y'all like pork chops,

1382
01:08:56,549 --> 01:08:58,509
but this greasy, nasty pork chop,

1383
01:08:58,592 --> 01:09:01,345
do you realize
that there's a gene in your DNA

1384
01:09:01,428 --> 01:09:03,222
that routes
this straight to your fat cells,

1385
01:09:03,305 --> 01:09:05,558
and it causes all sorts of
unsightly conditions?

1386
01:09:05,641 --> 01:09:07,351
Case in point, this woman is suffering

1387
01:09:07,434 --> 01:09:09,395
from what I like to call "Jell-O arms."

1388
01:09:09,478 --> 01:09:11,730
You notice the arm is taking on

1389
01:09:11,814 --> 01:09:14,483
a gelatin sort of vibe.
And it's quite nasty.

1390
01:09:14,567 --> 01:09:17,153
Now to my left,
this gentleman has turkey neck.

1391
01:09:17,236 --> 01:09:18,571
And to my immediate left,

1392
01:09:18,654 --> 01:09:20,364
this woman is suffering from
what we like to call

1393
01:09:20,447 --> 01:09:22,116
"Saddlebag syndrome."

1394
01:09:22,199 --> 01:09:23,701
And to my extreme left,

1395
01:09:23,784 --> 01:09:25,035
this young lady is suffering from

1396
01:09:25,119 --> 01:09:26,829
what I like to call "Tank ass."

1397
01:09:26,912 --> 01:09:27,872
[man] Tank ass?

1398
01:09:27,955 --> 01:09:29,206
Brother, please, sit down. Not tonight.

1399
01:09:29,290 --> 01:09:30,624
I'm your brother! I'm your brother!

1400
01:09:30,708 --> 01:09:33,711
Like I was saying, everybody,
where there's a will, there's a way.

1401
01:09:33,794 --> 01:09:36,547
And there is a way
we can turn these genes off.

1402
01:09:36,630 --> 01:09:39,341
And I'm not talking about
using exercise or diet.

1403
01:09:39,508 --> 01:09:41,802
I'm talking about
by taking a simple solution

1404
01:09:42,094 --> 01:09:45,598
that helps reconstruct
your metabolic cellular strands,

1405
01:09:45,681 --> 01:09:47,558
thus giving you the appearance of,

1406
01:09:47,641 --> 01:09:50,352
as they say in medical terms,
gluteus minimus.

1407
01:09:50,436 --> 01:09:53,689
Or in layman's terms,
an extremely tight, wonderful ass.

1408
01:09:53,772 --> 01:09:56,233
Let's give a big round of applause
for the woman with the nice ass.

1409
01:09:56,317 --> 01:09:58,986
Her ass is so nice, don't you agree?
She's worked so hard.

1410
01:09:59,069 --> 01:10:02,448
Have a seat. Have a seat.
Oh, are these girls with you?

1411
01:10:02,531 --> 01:10:04,575
Everyone has a nice ass at this table.

1412
01:10:04,658 --> 01:10:06,619
Is this the nice-ass section?

1413
01:10:06,702 --> 01:10:07,912
[laughter]

1414
01:10:07,995 --> 01:10:09,246
Where'd you find this man?

1415
01:10:09,330 --> 01:10:10,748
Harlan, it's an outrage.

1416
01:10:10,831 --> 01:10:13,334
I assure you
he has no affiliation with this school.

1417
01:10:13,417 --> 01:10:14,543
He's brilliant.

1418
01:10:14,627 --> 01:10:15,711
Exactly my point.

1419
01:10:15,794 --> 01:10:17,796
It's an outrage that his brilliance

1420
01:10:17,880 --> 01:10:19,924
has no affiliation with this school.

1421
01:10:20,132 --> 01:10:22,134
That's why I found him
and brought him to your money.

1422
01:10:22,509 --> 01:10:24,720
Attention. Brought him to your attention.

1423
01:10:25,179 --> 01:10:27,306
[clock bell striking]

1424
01:10:28,724 --> 01:10:31,310
My goodness,
it is time to take my medication.

1425
01:10:31,477 --> 01:10:32,561
Professor!

1426
01:10:32,978 --> 01:10:33,979
Hartley loved you.

1427
01:10:34,063 --> 01:10:35,397
He's going to be
at the alumni ball tomorrow night.

1428
01:10:35,481 --> 01:10:37,858
And if you can prove to him the formula
works, the $10 million is ours!

1429
01:10:37,942 --> 01:10:40,569
What makes you so sure
that the money is ours,

1430
01:10:40,653 --> 01:10:41,987
instead of just being mine?

1431
01:10:42,655 --> 01:10:44,782
[laughs] You're good, Love. Very good.

1432
01:10:45,074 --> 01:10:46,533
Which brings me to my next question.

1433
01:10:46,700 --> 01:10:49,453
How'd you like to fill in for Professor
Klump on a more permanent basis?

1434
01:10:49,578 --> 01:10:51,205
You know,
that's exactly what I had in mind.

1435
01:10:51,705 --> 01:10:53,374
He talked to me first.

1436
01:10:53,540 --> 01:10:55,668
Hey, I'm the one with the gluteus minimus.

1437
01:10:55,751 --> 01:10:58,671
Will you guys just chill?
He said he could handle all three of us.

1438
01:10:58,754 --> 01:11:01,257
With a name like Buddy Love, I bet he can.

1439
01:11:04,093 --> 01:11:06,887
Carla, are you ready to go upstairs?

1440
01:11:08,847 --> 01:11:10,057
I guess not.

1441
01:11:10,599 --> 01:11:12,977
Hey, where you goin'? What's your problem?

1442
01:11:13,060 --> 01:11:16,230
They're my problem,
and you can handle all three of them, huh?

1443
01:11:16,563 --> 01:11:17,982
Well, I thought after dinner you might

1444
01:11:18,065 --> 01:11:19,400
want to have a little group activity.

1445
01:11:19,483 --> 01:11:22,236
I mean, after all,
Buddy does have a lot of love to give.

1446
01:11:22,820 --> 01:11:26,240
You are one sick, twisted freak!

1447
01:11:26,323 --> 01:11:28,826
Oh, come on, Carla.
What's the-- Hey, hey. Hey!

1448
01:11:28,909 --> 01:11:32,204
Go on, leave!
There's more titties over here anyway!

1449
01:11:33,080 --> 01:11:34,748
Think I want them two titties.
I have six titties.

1450
01:11:34,832 --> 01:11:38,002
I had two titties.
Now I have six. That's multiplication.

1451
01:11:38,085 --> 01:11:39,420
[all laughing]

1452
01:11:39,712 --> 01:11:41,380
[party music playing]

1453
01:11:45,884 --> 01:11:46,885
[Buddy cheering] Yeah!

1454
01:11:46,969 --> 01:11:50,014
Yeah! Yeah!

1455
01:11:50,097 --> 01:11:53,017
Oh, yeah!
This is what I call burning calories!

1456
01:11:53,100 --> 01:11:55,269
Come on! Help me burn this stuff up!

1457
01:11:55,394 --> 01:11:57,229
[guests whooping]

1458
01:11:57,313 --> 01:11:59,815
Yeah! Hey, this is going down
to Mr. Wilson downstairs!

1459
01:11:59,898 --> 01:12:03,694
♪ The roof, the roof
The roof is on fire ♪

1460
01:12:03,777 --> 01:12:07,406
♪ The roof, the roof
The roof is on fire ♪

1461
01:12:07,489 --> 01:12:09,074
[whooping]

1462
01:12:18,292 --> 01:12:19,335
[knocking at door]

1463
01:12:19,918 --> 01:12:21,045
Sherman?

1464
01:12:23,464 --> 01:12:25,549
[cans crunching]

1465
01:12:29,762 --> 01:12:30,763
Sherman?

1466
01:12:31,638 --> 01:12:33,057
[cans clattering]

1467
01:12:35,225 --> 01:12:36,477
Sherman?

1468
01:12:38,896 --> 01:12:39,897
[moaning]

1469
01:12:41,148 --> 01:12:42,232
[sniffing]

1470
01:12:42,316 --> 01:12:43,359
[smacking lips]

1471
01:12:43,442 --> 01:12:44,693
[Carla] Sherman?

1472
01:12:44,985 --> 01:12:46,153
[chuckling]

1473
01:12:47,321 --> 01:12:48,572
Sherman?

1474
01:12:51,158 --> 01:12:52,242
[gasps]

1475
01:12:53,035 --> 01:12:54,536
[loud thud]

1476
01:12:55,704 --> 01:12:58,874
Sherman, is that you? Are you all right?

1477
01:13:00,125 --> 01:13:02,086
Oh, hi, Carla. Hi.

1478
01:13:02,169 --> 01:13:03,587
[chuckling]

1479
01:13:03,754 --> 01:13:05,923
-Did you have a party last night?
-Oh, no.

1480
01:13:06,006 --> 01:13:09,802
My cleaning lady's sick,
so I got to clean up myself.

1481
01:13:09,885 --> 01:13:11,720
I see. You sure she didn't die?

1482
01:13:11,804 --> 01:13:12,805
[laughing]

1483
01:13:12,888 --> 01:13:14,264
[toilet flushing]

1484
01:13:15,182 --> 01:13:17,643
Look, I'm a little embarrassed about
the way how my place is looking.

1485
01:13:17,726 --> 01:13:19,603
So why don't I clean up
and get back at you a little later?

1486
01:13:19,686 --> 01:13:22,689
No, no, no. Sherman,
Sherman, I need to talk to you now.

1487
01:13:22,773 --> 01:13:24,066
And it's about Buddy.

1488
01:13:24,274 --> 01:13:25,442
He hasn't been misbehaving, has he?

1489
01:13:25,526 --> 01:13:28,904
He's an egotistical pig,
and I wish I never met him.

1490
01:13:29,405 --> 01:13:31,698
But, Sherman,
I owe you a very big apology.

1491
01:13:31,865 --> 01:13:33,075
-You owe me an apology?
-Yes.

1492
01:13:33,575 --> 01:13:35,452
Last night, I was only trying to help,

1493
01:13:35,536 --> 01:13:38,330
I insisted that Buddy Love
speak to Harlan Hartley.

1494
01:13:38,705 --> 01:13:40,791
He took all the credit for your research.

1495
01:13:40,916 --> 01:13:42,292
Now Dean Richmond...

1496
01:13:42,376 --> 01:13:43,293
[woman] Where's Buddy?

1497
01:13:46,713 --> 01:13:48,132
-Oh...
-Buddy came here?

1498
01:13:48,215 --> 01:13:49,466
[chuckling nervously] No!

1499
01:13:49,591 --> 01:13:50,759
So what's this?

1500
01:13:51,093 --> 01:13:52,428
Are you guys... You guys share girls?

1501
01:13:52,511 --> 01:13:53,554
Oh, no, no, no, no.

1502
01:13:53,637 --> 01:13:54,972
I guess I was next on the list.

1503
01:13:55,055 --> 01:13:56,265
No, Carla, you don't understand.

1504
01:13:56,348 --> 01:13:59,893
I cannot believe
I came over here feeling sorry for you.

1505
01:14:00,018 --> 01:14:01,645
Carla, will you please just listen to me?

1506
01:14:01,728 --> 01:14:03,188
I assure you,
it is not what it appears to be!

1507
01:14:03,272 --> 01:14:04,898
You're no better than he is!

1508
01:14:04,982 --> 01:14:08,610
You are just as sick as Buddy,
and I don't wanna see you or him again!

1509
01:14:08,986 --> 01:14:11,822
Carla, please just listen. Carla!

1510
01:14:12,573 --> 01:14:15,784
"Eviction notice.
Violation of noise ordinance"?

1511
01:14:16,034 --> 01:14:17,661
[cans clattering]

1512
01:14:17,744 --> 01:14:20,998
Professor, we have
to get to the lab right away.

1513
01:14:21,081 --> 01:14:23,041
Jason, whatever it is,
is gonna have to wait until later.

1514
01:14:23,125 --> 01:14:26,795
No, no, no, that's the thing.
There isn't gonna be a later.

1515
01:14:29,298 --> 01:14:31,383
[Jason] Professor,
what did you do last night?

1516
01:14:31,467 --> 01:14:35,471
Jason, I have such a bad hangover,
I honestly do not remember.

1517
01:14:35,804 --> 01:14:38,765
Well, the good news is
I'm not going to kill you,

1518
01:14:38,849 --> 01:14:40,267
not physically, anyway.

1519
01:14:40,350 --> 01:14:42,394
I am, however, going to
kill you professionally.

1520
01:14:42,478 --> 01:14:44,605
You see, chubby, you're
not only fired from this institution,

1521
01:14:44,688 --> 01:14:45,856
but I'm going to
make sure you never get hired

1522
01:14:45,939 --> 01:14:47,316
by any other college in the state,

1523
01:14:47,399 --> 01:14:49,526
the country, the world,
maybe even the universe.

1524
01:14:50,027 --> 01:14:52,321
Unless, of course, they're
looking for teachers on Planet Fat.

1525
01:14:53,489 --> 01:14:54,615
Oh, by the way,

1526
01:14:54,698 --> 01:14:55,866
Buddy Love is going to be using

1527
01:14:55,949 --> 01:14:57,367
your invitation to the alumni ball,

1528
01:14:57,451 --> 01:14:59,828
so show a little school spirit
and see that he gets it.

1529
01:15:00,078 --> 01:15:01,872
♪ We're in the money ♪

1530
01:15:01,955 --> 01:15:03,874
Put that food down! They ate yesterday!

1531
01:15:06,460 --> 01:15:10,380
...really tight and say, "Yes, I can."

1532
01:15:10,464 --> 01:15:12,007
Say it again.

1533
01:15:12,090 --> 01:15:13,634
[Lance and audience] Yes, I can!

1534
01:15:19,640 --> 01:15:21,683
Hey, chunky drawers! Hey, tank ass!

1535
01:15:21,767 --> 01:15:23,393
What are you eating?
Muffin? Strudel? Some shit.

1536
01:15:23,477 --> 01:15:24,728
Put it down.
Let me talk to you for a second.

1537
01:15:24,811 --> 01:15:26,396
Look, if you're receiving this message,

1538
01:15:26,480 --> 01:15:28,524
that means you went and plumped back up

1539
01:15:28,607 --> 01:15:31,985
to your usual, fat, sorry,
stuff-my-face-till-I'm-almost-dead self.

1540
01:15:32,069 --> 01:15:34,404
Is that what you did?
Shame on you, Sherman!

1541
01:15:34,488 --> 01:15:35,948
Do you know what you did last night?

1542
01:15:36,031 --> 01:15:37,741
You had the time of your life last night.

1543
01:15:37,824 --> 01:15:39,243
Do you know you
can get arrested in 50 states

1544
01:15:39,326 --> 01:15:40,577
for the shit you did just last night?

1545
01:15:41,495 --> 01:15:42,871
[giggling]

1546
01:15:43,705 --> 01:15:44,915
Oh, my goodness!

1547
01:15:45,165 --> 01:15:46,291
You know what you need to do?

1548
01:15:46,458 --> 01:15:47,876
You need to go down to the laboratory

1549
01:15:47,960 --> 01:15:49,878
and mix you up another batch
of this blue stuff.

1550
01:15:50,003 --> 01:15:51,421
Come on back to the party, Sherman,

1551
01:15:51,505 --> 01:15:52,965
because Carla doesn't want you.

1552
01:15:53,048 --> 01:15:55,259
She wants me. Me, not you.

1553
01:15:55,342 --> 01:15:58,136
So come join me because you can't beat me.

1554
01:15:58,345 --> 01:16:01,974
You can't beat me. You can't beat me!

1555
01:16:02,057 --> 01:16:04,434
Yes, I can!

1556
01:16:04,518 --> 01:16:05,936
-[Buddy laughs on TV]
-Yes, I can.

1557
01:16:11,024 --> 01:16:12,776
Professor, I got your message. What's up?

1558
01:16:12,859 --> 01:16:15,529
Jason, I'm going to that alumni ball
tonight, and I'm gonna reclaim my life.

1559
01:16:15,612 --> 01:16:18,198
Yes! I'm so glad to hear you say that.

1560
01:16:18,282 --> 01:16:20,117
Get things straight with Miss Purty,

1561
01:16:20,200 --> 01:16:21,660
and I'm gonna get that grant
from Harlan Hartley.

1562
01:16:21,743 --> 01:16:22,786
Excellent.

1563
01:16:22,953 --> 01:16:26,540
Jason, we have seen
the last of Buddy Love.

1564
01:16:30,752 --> 01:16:32,796
[big band jazz music playing]

1565
01:16:44,433 --> 01:16:46,977
Horace, good to see you.
The jitterbug contest just started.

1566
01:16:47,060 --> 01:16:49,146
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Your table's upstairs.

1567
01:16:49,229 --> 01:16:50,522
That's another joke.

1568
01:16:51,231 --> 01:16:53,984
When did you marry Sharon Stone?

1569
01:16:54,067 --> 01:16:55,235
Keep those legs crossed.

1570
01:16:57,029 --> 01:16:59,865
Hartley. Damn it.
And where the hell is Buddy Love?

1571
01:17:00,240 --> 01:17:01,533
No sign of him yet, sir.

1572
01:17:01,617 --> 01:17:02,784
Here's an idea.

1573
01:17:02,868 --> 01:17:03,744
Find him!

1574
01:17:03,910 --> 01:17:04,870
Yes, sir.

1575
01:17:05,287 --> 01:17:06,830
-Harlan.
-Well, Richmond.

1576
01:17:06,913 --> 01:17:08,123
Where's your Professor Buddy Love?

1577
01:17:08,206 --> 01:17:09,333
With you, it's always business.

1578
01:17:09,416 --> 01:17:12,336
Let's get to know each other man-to-man.
Now, if our files are correct,

1579
01:17:12,419 --> 01:17:14,254
you and your fabulous wife
have a terrific daughter.

1580
01:17:14,755 --> 01:17:16,965
I'm divorced, and my daughter is in rehab.

1581
01:17:17,049 --> 01:17:19,134
So you're saying
our files are not correct.

1582
01:17:19,217 --> 01:17:21,136
Listen, you pompous butt-kisser.

1583
01:17:21,219 --> 01:17:23,472
I have a check in
my pocket for $10 million.

1584
01:17:23,555 --> 01:17:26,350
And your Buddy Love has
till midnight to prove that formula works.

1585
01:17:26,433 --> 01:17:28,894
He'll be here, the formula works
and you have the check.

1586
01:17:28,977 --> 01:17:31,355
Really? On you now?
Because on behalf of... Which pocket?

1587
01:17:31,438 --> 01:17:33,940
No, don't tell me. Let me smell it. Punch?

1588
01:17:34,399 --> 01:17:36,526
Oh, come on, now. Look at this.

1589
01:17:36,610 --> 01:17:38,695
I can't eat this. This stuff is too tiny.

1590
01:17:38,779 --> 01:17:40,072
I can't get full off this mess!

1591
01:17:40,155 --> 01:17:42,866
I think it's wonderful,
all the precious little finger foods.

1592
01:17:42,949 --> 01:17:44,368
Finger food? I got a finger for them.

1593
01:17:44,451 --> 01:17:46,244
I ain't paid no
$100 ticket for no finger food.

1594
01:17:46,328 --> 01:17:48,705
I could go down to Subway,
get me a sandwich for $3.

1595
01:17:48,789 --> 01:17:51,249
I gotta pay a $100 ticket for
some finger food? Hungry as I am?

1596
01:17:51,333 --> 01:17:52,918
You must be crazy
to think I'm gonna eat this--

1597
01:17:53,001 --> 01:17:54,169
Please. You're getting on my damn nerves!

1598
01:17:54,252 --> 01:17:55,379
-Shut up!
-I'm hungry!

1599
01:17:55,462 --> 01:17:57,964
There's Carla.
I wonder if she's seen Sherman. Carla!

1600
01:17:58,423 --> 01:17:59,591
Carla.

1601
01:17:59,966 --> 01:18:01,343
[laughing]

1602
01:18:03,637 --> 01:18:05,889
[laughing] Oh, you look fabulous.

1603
01:18:05,972 --> 01:18:07,432
Thank you, Mrs. Klump.

1604
01:18:07,516 --> 01:18:09,518
-Have you seen Sherman?
-[Papa] Yeah, where's Sherman at?

1605
01:18:09,601 --> 01:18:11,937
I ain't come to pay no $100 ticket
to have to suffer this alone.

1606
01:18:12,020 --> 01:18:13,230
Cletus, shut up, please!

1607
01:18:13,313 --> 01:18:15,607
Hey! That's strike two.

1608
01:18:16,692 --> 01:18:18,443
I don't think
Sherman will be coming tonight.

1609
01:18:18,527 --> 01:18:20,737
Yes, he is. Sherman called me and told
me to make sure we was here,

1610
01:18:20,821 --> 01:18:22,322
'cause he got a big announcement
to make or something.

1611
01:18:22,406 --> 01:18:23,990
Something about
getting it all off his chest.

1612
01:18:24,950 --> 01:18:27,494
Have you noticed that Sherman's
been acting kind of strange lately?

1613
01:18:27,661 --> 01:18:30,372
Sherman has definitely
been acting strange lately.

1614
01:18:30,497 --> 01:18:32,332
I knew it! See, Cletus? I told you.

1615
01:18:32,541 --> 01:18:35,502
You really think I be listening to you.
I ain't listening to you!

1616
01:18:36,128 --> 01:18:37,921
Well, Mrs. Klump,
I hope you have a wonderful evening.

1617
01:18:38,004 --> 01:18:41,466
Oh, you do the same.
Thank you so much. So precious.

1618
01:18:41,550 --> 01:18:43,593
Look at your little purple dress.
They gonna think we twins.

1619
01:18:44,761 --> 01:18:45,929
-[chuckling]
-Mr. Klump.

1620
01:18:46,012 --> 01:18:47,180
Oh, yeah, yeah.

1621
01:18:47,264 --> 01:18:48,390
Fabulous.

1622
01:18:49,349 --> 01:18:50,475
You know, Cletus, I think something's

1623
01:18:50,559 --> 01:18:52,102
going on between her and Sherman.

1624
01:18:52,185 --> 01:18:54,479
You don't go get up in Sherman's business.
That's Sherman's business.

1625
01:18:54,563 --> 01:18:57,149
Sherman's business?
That's my business. Sherman is my baby.

1626
01:18:57,232 --> 01:18:59,359
Sherman's 35 years old!
What you talking about he's your baby?

1627
01:18:59,443 --> 01:19:01,236
Cletus, I don't wanna hear it.
Shut up, please!

1628
01:19:01,319 --> 01:19:02,821
-Carla!
-That's strike three, damn it!

1629
01:19:02,904 --> 01:19:04,948
Don't you walk away from me, God damn it!

1630
01:19:05,031 --> 01:19:06,241
[muttering]

1631
01:19:06,533 --> 01:19:08,118
Hey, this is the last of it, Professor.

1632
01:19:08,201 --> 01:19:09,578
I'll tell you this, Jason,

1633
01:19:09,745 --> 01:19:12,706
if I'm gonna change my life,
it's not gonna come from some magic drink.

1634
01:19:12,831 --> 01:19:14,374
Gotta come from a lot of hard work,

1635
01:19:14,666 --> 01:19:16,918
and exercise and plenty of these.

1636
01:19:17,210 --> 01:19:20,172
Good bye, Buddy Love. Hello, Megashake.

1637
01:19:21,840 --> 01:19:22,674
[gulping]

1638
01:19:26,553 --> 01:19:27,679
[screaming]

1639
01:19:28,680 --> 01:19:29,514
Professor?

1640
01:19:32,893 --> 01:19:33,935
Oh!

1641
01:19:34,478 --> 01:19:36,605
I lost 300 pounds in 30 seconds!

1642
01:19:37,647 --> 01:19:38,815
Thanks, Megashake!

1643
01:19:38,899 --> 01:19:40,525
You tricked him!

1644
01:19:40,692 --> 01:19:43,153
You damn right, hamster boy.
I knew Sherman was gonna go soft on me.

1645
01:19:43,236 --> 01:19:44,988
That can wreak havoc on a man's sex life.

1646
01:19:45,572 --> 01:19:47,073
[laughing]

1647
01:19:47,157 --> 01:19:48,617
See, I've done some
calculations of my own.

1648
01:19:48,700 --> 01:19:50,410
If I drink 500 milliliters of formula,

1649
01:19:50,494 --> 01:19:51,661
I'll have enough cellular stability

1650
01:19:51,745 --> 01:19:52,954
to be rid of Sherman's ass forever!

1651
01:19:53,038 --> 01:19:55,457
No, you drink that much formula
at one time, and it will kill you!

1652
01:19:55,540 --> 01:19:57,250
If I drink it all at once, yes.
If I drink half now

1653
01:19:57,334 --> 01:19:58,919
and half later, that's completely safe.

1654
01:19:59,002 --> 01:20:01,171
At midnight, I don't have to worry
about turning into no Klumpkin.

1655
01:20:01,254 --> 01:20:03,507
Now if you don't mind,
I have a date at the alumni ball,

1656
01:20:03,590 --> 01:20:04,633
and you have a date with linoleum.

1657
01:20:04,716 --> 01:20:05,592
Who?

1658
01:20:07,636 --> 01:20:09,095
[Mama Klump laughs]

1659
01:20:11,848 --> 01:20:15,060
No, no, no, child.
Not a wild party. Not Sherman.

1660
01:20:15,143 --> 01:20:17,187
He's too shy for something like that.
He hates parties.

1661
01:20:17,270 --> 01:20:20,398
In fact, we tried to have a party for
Sherman when he was 18 years old,

1662
01:20:20,482 --> 01:20:22,275
and he's so shy, he didn't even show up.

1663
01:20:23,985 --> 01:20:26,363
Well, I must admit,
it didn't seem like the Sherman I know.

1664
01:20:26,446 --> 01:20:27,531
Oh, no, not my baby.

1665
01:20:27,614 --> 01:20:29,199
Maybe he loaned his house
out to somebody or something,

1666
01:20:29,282 --> 01:20:30,450
or one of his buddies
was throwing a party.

1667
01:20:30,534 --> 01:20:31,743
[Buddy] Yeah!

1668
01:20:31,827 --> 01:20:34,704
Is that a test tube in my pocket
or am I just happy to see you?

1669
01:20:34,788 --> 01:20:36,748
-Oh! How dare you!
-Oh, you know you loved it.

1670
01:20:36,832 --> 01:20:37,999
I felt you percolating.

1671
01:20:38,083 --> 01:20:39,251
-[gasps]
-Whoo!

1672
01:20:39,334 --> 01:20:41,419
Hey, thanks a lot, man. Thank you so much.

1673
01:20:41,503 --> 01:20:43,797
Oh! What you serving here?

1674
01:20:43,880 --> 01:20:46,758
This stuff is... Y'all got to get
some collard greens and some yams!

1675
01:20:46,842 --> 01:20:48,885
-Some red beans and rice!
-Some "Buddy" is right.

1676
01:20:48,969 --> 01:20:51,388
-This ain't no party! This ain't no ball!
-[Richmond] Professor Love!

1677
01:20:51,471 --> 01:20:53,473
Y'all gotta get y'all some
peach cobbler up in here!

1678
01:20:53,557 --> 01:20:56,768
Professor Love!
Where the hell have you been?

1679
01:20:56,852 --> 01:20:58,562
I've been nursemaiding Hartley
for three hours,

1680
01:20:58,645 --> 01:20:59,980
and if I didn't need that money...

1681
01:21:00,063 --> 01:21:01,064
Shut up!

1682
01:21:01,147 --> 01:21:02,983
Who you think you're talking to,
Sherman Klump?

1683
01:21:03,066 --> 01:21:05,193
Man, if you ever talk
to me like that again, I'll kill you!

1684
01:21:05,277 --> 01:21:06,361
I don't mean that as a euphemism.

1685
01:21:06,444 --> 01:21:07,696
I mean, I'm gonna literally kill you.

1686
01:21:07,779 --> 01:21:09,030
I'm gonna strangle you

1687
01:21:09,114 --> 01:21:11,658
and cut off your air supply
until you pass away!

1688
01:21:12,909 --> 01:21:15,036
[Buddy] Now find the rich dummy a seat.
It's showtime.

1689
01:21:15,370 --> 01:21:17,247
It's showtime, everybody!

1690
01:21:17,497 --> 01:21:19,040
Showtime!

1691
01:21:19,249 --> 01:21:21,251
[Buddy cackling]

1692
01:21:22,002 --> 01:21:23,003
[Jason groaning]

1693
01:21:23,086 --> 01:21:24,921
[beeping]

1694
01:21:31,761 --> 01:21:33,847
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

1695
01:21:41,897 --> 01:21:43,189
[Buddy] That's enough
out of you! That's it.

1696
01:21:43,273 --> 01:21:44,691
You're the reason
everybody falling asleep.

1697
01:21:44,774 --> 01:21:46,026
Take a break, Nigga-ace.

1698
01:21:46,109 --> 01:21:48,278
Take the Everly Brothers with you.
Come on. Get out of here!

1699
01:21:48,361 --> 01:21:51,865
Look at everybody sleeping
because of y'all! It's showtime!

1700
01:21:52,073 --> 01:21:54,993
[whooping] Now, why are y'all
looking at me like y'all don't know me?

1701
01:21:55,327 --> 01:21:56,578
Y'all know me!

1702
01:21:56,828 --> 01:21:57,996
I don't know that fool.

1703
01:21:58,747 --> 01:22:01,082
How about now? You recognize me?

1704
01:22:01,207 --> 01:22:02,375
I don't know that fool.

1705
01:22:02,542 --> 01:22:03,668
Maybe it's because

1706
01:22:03,752 --> 01:22:07,589
this morning I weighed 400 pounds!

1707
01:22:08,006 --> 01:22:10,175
You should've seen me. Look at me now.

1708
01:22:10,467 --> 01:22:12,802
You know how I did it? One sip.

1709
01:22:12,886 --> 01:22:14,804
I know why he like that, 'cause he drunk.

1710
01:22:15,138 --> 01:22:17,182
-Be quiet!
-Don't tell me to be quiet! He drunk!

1711
01:22:17,474 --> 01:22:20,352
I like to call it "Buddy's Wonder Tonic."

1712
01:22:20,477 --> 01:22:21,978
Yeah, I know what wonder tonic you had.

1713
01:22:22,062 --> 01:22:23,063
[watch alarm beeping]

1714
01:22:23,146 --> 01:22:24,147
Right on schedule.

1715
01:22:25,106 --> 01:22:28,985
Cellular destabilization due
to arrive in exactly three,

1716
01:22:29,069 --> 01:22:30,070
[beeping]

1717
01:22:30,153 --> 01:22:32,322
two, one...

1718
01:22:32,822 --> 01:22:34,407
[sloshing]

1719
01:22:34,908 --> 01:22:35,992
Ain't that a bitch!

1720
01:22:36,076 --> 01:22:37,077
-What the hell?
-My goodness!

1721
01:22:37,160 --> 01:22:38,703
Hey, moneybags, you want a demonstration?

1722
01:22:38,787 --> 01:22:41,539
Well, then feast your eyes on this.

1723
01:22:44,542 --> 01:22:46,127
[sloshing]

1724
01:22:48,755 --> 01:22:49,923
That's a hell of a trick.

1725
01:22:50,048 --> 01:22:51,257
[beeping]

1726
01:22:51,341 --> 01:22:53,259
Ladies and gentlemen,
for my final demonstration...

1727
01:22:53,635 --> 01:22:58,014
Look out, David Copperfield.
I'm about to make a 400-pound fat man

1728
01:22:58,515 --> 01:23:00,809
disappear forever!

1729
01:23:00,892 --> 01:23:03,395
No! Wait!

1730
01:23:03,937 --> 01:23:07,607
I cannot let you do this anymore!

1731
01:23:07,691 --> 01:23:10,360
This has got to stop!

1732
01:23:12,112 --> 01:23:15,448
This man is trying to kill
Professor Sherman Klump!

1733
01:23:15,573 --> 01:23:17,200
That's it. I'm glad I brought my knife.

1734
01:23:17,283 --> 01:23:18,785
And I got my razor.

1735
01:23:18,952 --> 01:23:20,370
Hand over the vial now!

1736
01:23:20,453 --> 01:23:21,746
Sure thing, hamster boy.

1737
01:23:21,830 --> 01:23:24,165
But first, a short musical interlude.

1738
01:23:25,166 --> 01:23:26,167
[gasping]

1739
01:23:27,419 --> 01:23:28,378
Buddy!

1740
01:23:28,461 --> 01:23:30,422
What has gotten into you,
and where is Sherman?

1741
01:23:30,755 --> 01:23:32,716
Sherman is gone! Disappeared!

1742
01:23:32,799 --> 01:23:34,259
[muttering] What the hell...

1743
01:23:34,342 --> 01:23:37,262
And that's a pretty good trick
for a man with an ass as big as his.

1744
01:23:37,637 --> 01:23:38,471
[beeping]

1745
01:23:38,555 --> 01:23:39,889
I'm late for an appointment.

1746
01:23:39,973 --> 01:23:43,101
Ladies and gentlemen,
say goodbye to Sherman Klump!

1747
01:23:43,560 --> 01:23:45,770
I hate being called hamster boy.

1748
01:23:45,979 --> 01:23:47,272
[guests gasping]

1749
01:23:48,815 --> 01:23:50,608
You just don't know when to quit, do you?

1750
01:23:52,027 --> 01:23:53,486
[guests gasping]

1751
01:23:54,946 --> 01:23:57,115
[grunting]

1752
01:23:57,824 --> 01:23:59,451
It's too late, fat boy. It's over!

1753
01:24:01,244 --> 01:24:02,871
[straining] Let go! Let go!

1754
01:24:05,040 --> 01:24:06,166
-My goodness!
-Hey!

1755
01:24:06,666 --> 01:24:10,211
[gagging] Give it up, fat boy! It's over!

1756
01:24:10,295 --> 01:24:12,589
[in the Professor's voice] It ain't
over till the fat professor sings!

1757
01:24:12,672 --> 01:24:13,715
[shrieking]

1758
01:24:14,340 --> 01:24:16,301
Let go of my hand, you fat mother--

1759
01:24:16,384 --> 01:24:18,845
Say one more word, Buddy,
I'll tear your arm off!

1760
01:24:19,888 --> 01:24:24,601
It's time we take Nestea... Plunge!

1761
01:24:26,686 --> 01:24:28,354
[grunting]

1762
01:24:28,772 --> 01:24:29,814
[sobbing]

1763
01:24:29,898 --> 01:24:31,983
Gonna get the hell
out of here in a second. It's okay.

1764
01:24:36,654 --> 01:24:38,198
[grunting]

1765
01:24:40,366 --> 01:24:42,702
-Sweet Jesus!
-Sherman!

1766
01:24:42,869 --> 01:24:46,206
Sherman, don't do this! You need me!

1767
01:24:47,791 --> 01:24:49,918
No, I don't!

1768
01:24:50,752 --> 01:24:51,878
You fat ass!

1769
01:24:53,379 --> 01:24:54,756
Tinkerbell!

1770
01:24:55,215 --> 01:24:56,341
Blubber butt!

1771
01:24:57,592 --> 01:24:59,969
-Featherweight!
-Somebody better call an exorcist!

1772
01:25:01,554 --> 01:25:06,184
Sherman! Sherman! You can't beat me!

1773
01:25:06,351 --> 01:25:07,727
This is some scary shit!

1774
01:25:08,394 --> 01:25:10,271
[grunting]

1775
01:25:12,732 --> 01:25:16,361
Yes, I can!

1776
01:25:16,694 --> 01:25:18,863
[alarm beeping]

1777
01:25:21,574 --> 01:25:24,369
-Sherman, come back here! Sherman!
-What's happening to me?

1778
01:25:24,452 --> 01:25:27,956
Everything's getting real dark!
Oh! I feel real jiggly!

1779
01:25:29,165 --> 01:25:31,084
[panting] I'm blubbifying! Sherman!

1780
01:25:31,251 --> 01:25:35,046
You need me! I taught you to be confident!
You needed me, Sherman!

1781
01:25:35,839 --> 01:25:38,133
Sherman! No matter what!

1782
01:25:38,591 --> 01:25:43,680
No matter what, you got to strut.

1783
01:25:45,056 --> 01:25:46,182
[crowd gasps]

1784
01:25:46,266 --> 01:25:47,475
[sighs]

1785
01:25:49,936 --> 01:25:51,396
[crowd moaning]

1786
01:25:53,106 --> 01:25:54,482
Come on. I ain't gonna be picking up

1787
01:25:54,566 --> 01:25:56,025
your big ass all night, Anna. Shit.

1788
01:26:02,240 --> 01:26:03,241
[gasps]

1789
01:26:04,951 --> 01:26:06,953
-Oh, my God.
-Well, I'll be damned.

1790
01:26:17,964 --> 01:26:18,965
[exhales]

1791
01:26:19,507 --> 01:26:22,927
If you give me a moment,
I believe I can try to explain.

1792
01:26:25,930 --> 01:26:27,515
My research is...

1793
01:26:28,224 --> 01:26:31,144
Well, when I started out, I was...

1794
01:26:31,561 --> 01:26:32,645
I wanted to help people.

1795
01:26:34,439 --> 01:26:36,357
But I became desperate and selfish.

1796
01:26:38,902 --> 01:26:40,236
What I did was wrong.

1797
01:26:44,365 --> 01:26:46,868
Buddy's who I thought
the whole world wanted me to be.

1798
01:26:47,702 --> 01:26:49,204
He's who I thought I wanted to be.

1799
01:26:51,789 --> 01:26:54,375
And sometimes when you want
something so, so bad,

1800
01:26:55,919 --> 01:26:57,545
you do just about anything to get it.

1801
01:27:03,801 --> 01:27:05,428
But I learned one thing from Buddy.

1802
01:27:06,930 --> 01:27:09,140
And I learned that life is not about

1803
01:27:09,766 --> 01:27:11,559
being happy about how much you weigh,

1804
01:27:12,018 --> 01:27:14,187
but just being happy with yourself.

1805
01:27:17,607 --> 01:27:18,942
I'm terribly sorry about all this.

1806
01:27:19,025 --> 01:27:20,610
I hope I haven't ruined
everybody's evening.

1807
01:27:21,611 --> 01:27:22,904
Please excuse me.

1808
01:27:24,364 --> 01:27:25,698
[whispering] I'm sorry.

1809
01:27:41,422 --> 01:27:42,382
Sherman!

1810
01:27:43,967 --> 01:27:44,968
Sherman!

1811
01:27:46,052 --> 01:27:47,428
Sherman, wait a minute.

1812
01:27:51,724 --> 01:27:53,643
Sherman, why did you lie to me?

1813
01:27:54,269 --> 01:27:55,895
Why didn't you say anything?

1814
01:27:57,063 --> 01:27:58,439
I didn't think you'd have me.

1815
01:27:59,691 --> 01:28:02,068
I mean, the fact
of the matter is I'm a big man.

1816
01:28:02,735 --> 01:28:04,737
Now, I will lose weight, but I'm always

1817
01:28:04,821 --> 01:28:06,614
gonna be big no matter what I do.

1818
01:28:06,990 --> 01:28:08,992
So, anybody I wind up with is just going

1819
01:28:09,075 --> 01:28:11,035
to have to accept me for who I am.

1820
01:28:12,245 --> 01:28:13,454
And more important, I'm just going to

1821
01:28:13,538 --> 01:28:15,081
have to accept myself for who I am.

1822
01:28:19,335 --> 01:28:20,420
Sherman,

1823
01:28:21,671 --> 01:28:23,089
I don't have a date tonight.

1824
01:28:26,801 --> 01:28:28,344
Would you like to dance with me?

1825
01:28:33,141 --> 01:28:34,642
[soft chuckle]

1826
01:28:34,726 --> 01:28:35,768
[Jason] Professor,

1827
01:28:37,186 --> 01:28:39,063
I thought you might need this.

1828
01:28:40,148 --> 01:28:41,149
[chuckles]

1829
01:28:42,900 --> 01:28:45,611
[chuckling] Yeah, I guess
I tore this one up, huh?

1830
01:28:45,695 --> 01:28:46,946
[laughing]

1831
01:28:48,197 --> 01:28:49,741
[playing smooth R&B]

1832
01:28:59,459 --> 01:29:02,045
You know one thing
I couldn't stand about that Buddy?

1833
01:29:02,128 --> 01:29:03,129
What's that?

1834
01:29:03,212 --> 01:29:04,422
He was too damn scrawny.

1835
01:29:04,505 --> 01:29:05,715
[both chuckling]

1836
01:29:05,798 --> 01:29:08,843
Okay, Professor! Looking good!

1837
01:29:10,094 --> 01:29:13,222
Have I mentioned we also have
a terrific English department?

1838
01:29:13,306 --> 01:29:15,224
-I'm giving him the grant.
-What?

1839
01:29:15,308 --> 01:29:17,435
I hate to admit it,
but you're absolutely right.

1840
01:29:17,518 --> 01:29:20,730
He's a brilliant scientist
and a gentleman as well.

1841
01:29:21,314 --> 01:29:22,940
Well, I told you!

1842
01:29:23,024 --> 01:29:25,193
-[Hartley] Will you shut up!
-[Richmond] I'm fine with that.

1843
01:29:28,821 --> 01:29:33,701
Oh, Sherman, Sherman, Sherman,
Sherman, Sherman, Sherman, Sherman!

1844
01:29:33,785 --> 01:29:34,911
[laughing]

1845
01:29:34,994 --> 01:29:36,454
Light as a feather tonight.
Come on, bump me.

1846
01:29:36,746 --> 01:29:37,914
Yeah!

1847
01:29:38,122 --> 01:29:39,165
[gasps]

1848
01:29:40,041 --> 01:29:42,835
Oh, my goodness! I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

1849
01:29:43,252 --> 01:29:44,545
You didn't hurt yourself, did you?

1850
01:29:44,670 --> 01:29:45,880
[chuckles] I'm fine.

1851
01:29:45,963 --> 01:29:47,715
[both laughing]

1852
01:29:50,218 --> 01:29:51,385
Yeah!

1853
01:29:51,511 --> 01:29:52,720
Fabulous!

1854
01:29:59,018 --> 01:30:00,770
[disco music playing]

1855
01:30:02,814 --> 01:30:03,940
[farting]

1856
01:30:04,023 --> 01:30:05,316
Oh, my Lord!

1857
01:30:05,399 --> 01:30:06,984
[both laughing]

1858
01:30:08,903 --> 01:30:10,905
[laughing] Don't start. Do it again.

1859
01:30:11,364 --> 01:30:14,367
Go on, fart!
I hope your asshole fall out...

1860
01:30:14,700 --> 01:30:16,202
[laughing]

1861
01:30:17,203 --> 01:30:20,665
I thought it just was--
I thought a colonic was a massage.

1862
01:30:20,873 --> 01:30:21,833
[laughing]

1863
01:30:21,916 --> 01:30:23,543
[crew laughing]

1864
01:30:24,544 --> 01:30:26,921
For only research, and...

1865
01:30:27,004 --> 01:30:28,089
[laughing]

1866
01:30:28,172 --> 01:30:29,549
[crew laughing]

1867
01:30:29,632 --> 01:30:31,050
What? What, you filming this?

1868
01:30:31,676 --> 01:30:32,677
Your research.

1869
01:30:32,760 --> 01:30:34,303
-Get back in there!
-[laughing]

1870
01:30:34,387 --> 01:30:36,681
We ain't ready for you yet.
Now, what were you saying?

1871
01:30:37,890 --> 01:30:39,308
Hold on a minute.
Let me go deal with my girl.

1872
01:30:39,392 --> 01:30:40,393
What's wrong with y'all?

1873
01:30:41,102 --> 01:30:43,354
Professor Klump, the cages, what happened?

1874
01:30:43,437 --> 01:30:45,273
They can't see me with your head there.

1875
01:30:45,898 --> 01:30:47,191
[crew laughing]

1876
01:30:47,650 --> 01:30:50,069
I made a fart last week.

1877
01:30:50,278 --> 01:30:53,281
It smelled so bad,
it had a chain hanging from it.

1878
01:30:53,364 --> 01:30:54,448
[laughing]

1879
01:30:54,532 --> 01:30:56,242
[crew laughing]

1880
01:31:02,248 --> 01:31:04,458
[muffled] I can't talk.

1881
01:31:04,542 --> 01:31:06,127
[crew laughing]

1882
01:31:08,254 --> 01:31:09,839
[crew laughing]

1883
01:31:12,216 --> 01:31:15,011
I seen Sherman get so hungry
once when he was young,

1884
01:31:15,094 --> 01:31:16,637
he beat up a grown man.

1885
01:31:17,263 --> 01:31:18,931
[crew laughing]

1886
01:31:19,932 --> 01:31:21,225
I'm sorry.

1887
01:31:21,309 --> 01:31:22,685
[laughing]

1888
01:31:24,103 --> 01:31:26,439
I'm freaking out over here
'cause Eddie's over here

1889
01:31:26,522 --> 01:31:28,649
saying some wild crap. Do you...

1890
01:31:29,275 --> 01:31:30,610
[laughing]

1891
01:31:31,777 --> 01:31:32,862
[farting]

1892
01:31:32,945 --> 01:31:34,780
[laughing] Oh!
You're supposed to say, "Excuse me."

1893
01:31:34,864 --> 01:31:36,032
[farting]

1894
01:31:36,490 --> 01:31:38,618
Oh, baby, you...

1895
01:31:39,368 --> 01:31:40,828
[laughing]

1896
01:31:41,787 --> 01:31:45,166
[laughing] Hey, little Hercules,
you want some more coleslaw?

1897
01:31:45,833 --> 01:31:47,376
[crew laughing]

1898
01:31:48,961 --> 01:31:51,631
Come on, Cletus.
Come on. No...it... Come on.

1899
01:31:51,714 --> 01:31:55,009
Come on, Cletus. Come on. Come on, Cletus.

1900
01:31:55,092 --> 01:31:57,845
Come on. Come on, Cletus!

1901
01:31:57,929 --> 01:31:59,180
[crew laughing]

1902
01:31:59,263 --> 01:32:02,433
Come on! Come on, Cletus. No.

1903
01:32:02,516 --> 01:32:05,311
Come on, come on. No...it... Come on.

1904
01:32:05,394 --> 01:32:08,773
Come on, come on, come on, let's do this.

1905
01:32:08,856 --> 01:32:10,066
Let's do this!

1906
01:32:10,149 --> 01:32:11,400
[laughing]

1907
01:32:14,695 --> 01:32:17,114
[R&B song playing]