1
00:01:08,985 --> 00:01:10,652
That's not what I'm saying, you imbecile.

2
00:01:10,653 --> 00:01:12,821
God, you completely misrepresent my ideas!

3
00:01:12,822 --> 00:01:14,156
Why am I even bothering
talking to such idiots?

4
00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:17,493
- Boris, calm down.
- No, don't tell me to... I am calm.

5
00:01:17,494 --> 00:01:19,828
Don't jump on us just because
we don't understand what you're saying.

6
00:01:19,829 --> 00:01:21,038
I didn't jump on you.

7
00:01:21,039 --> 00:01:25,375
It's not the idea behind Christianity
I'm faulting, or Judaism, or any religion.

8
00:01:25,376 --> 00:01:27,920
It's the professionals
who've made it into a corporate business.

9
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:30,005
There's big money in the God racket.
Big money.

10
00:01:30,006 --> 00:01:31,381
- Here we go.
- We know, Boris.

11
00:01:31,382 --> 00:01:33,801
Hey, the basic teachings of Jesus
are quite wonderful.

12
00:01:33,802 --> 00:01:37,429
So, by the way,
is the original intention of Karl Marx. Okay?

13
00:01:37,430 --> 00:01:40,224
Hey, what could be bad?
Everybody should share equally.

14
00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:43,519
Do unto others. Democracy.
Government by the people.

15
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:49,108
All great ideas. These are all great ideas,
but they all suffer from one fatal flaw.

16
00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,400
- Which is?
- Yeah, what's that?

17
00:01:50,401 --> 00:01:53,779
Which is they're all based
on the fallacious notion

18
00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:56,668
that people are fundamentally decent.

19
00:01:56,699 --> 00:01:59,201
Give them a chance to do right
and they'll take it.

20
00:01:59,202 --> 00:02:03,372
They're not stupid, selfish, greedy,
cowardly, short-sighted worms.

21
00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:04,456
They do the best they can.

22
00:02:04,457 --> 00:02:05,541
Speak for yourself, man. Speak for yourself.

23
00:02:05,542 --> 00:02:09,211
All I'm saying is that people make life
so much worse than it has to be

24
00:02:09,212 --> 00:02:11,880
and, believe me,
it's a nightmare without their help.

25
00:02:11,881 --> 00:02:15,259
But on the whole,
I'm sorry to say, we're a failed species.

26
00:02:15,260 --> 00:02:18,220
- I wouldn't go that far.
- Not Ed.

27
00:02:18,221 --> 00:02:20,472
That's why this woman you like, Joe,

28
00:02:20,473 --> 00:02:24,768
so what if she's an embalmer's assistant,
so she stinks from formaldehyde?

29
00:02:24,769 --> 00:02:27,062
For Christ's sake, you got to take
what little pleasure you can find

30
00:02:27,063 --> 00:02:28,438
in this chamber of horrors.

31
00:02:28,439 --> 00:02:31,441
A little formaldehyde, okay,
but she reeks of it.

32
00:02:31,442 --> 00:02:36,238
You know, they don't know your story.
Boris, tell them your story.

33
00:02:36,239 --> 00:02:40,951
My story is, whatever works. You know,
as long as you don't hurt anybody.

34
00:02:40,952 --> 00:02:42,703
Any way you can filch a little joy

35
00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:47,416
in this cruel, dog-eat-dog, pointless,
black chaos. That's my story.

36
00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:50,085
No. That's not... Tell them the story.

37
00:02:50,086 --> 00:02:51,253
- Tell them.
- Yeah. Tell them.

38
00:02:51,254 --> 00:02:53,589
You just want me to say it again,
so they can hear.

39
00:02:53,590 --> 00:02:55,090
- Who?
- Them.

40
00:02:55,216 --> 00:02:56,425
- Who?
- Who's them?

41
00:02:56,426 --> 00:02:58,385
- You see something out there?
- Where?

42
00:02:58,386 --> 00:02:59,428
What are you? An imbecile?

43
00:02:59,429 --> 00:03:00,929
There's an audience full of people
looking at us.

44
00:03:00,930 --> 00:03:02,264
- An audience?
- What's he talking about?

45
00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:03,974
You feel you're being watched.

46
00:03:03,975 --> 00:03:05,934
They paid good money for tickets,
hard-earned money,

47
00:03:05,935 --> 00:03:09,104
so some moron in Hollywood
can buy a bigger swimming pool.

48
00:03:09,105 --> 00:03:14,318
Okay, you're saying there are human beings
out there who bought tickets to watch us.

49
00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:17,779
Well, mostly they're interested in me,
I have to say.

50
00:03:17,780 --> 00:03:20,365
Yeah, they're just sitting there.
Don't you see them?

51
00:03:20,366 --> 00:03:23,493
Some are eating popcorn,
some are just staring straight ahead

52
00:03:23,494 --> 00:03:25,037
breathing through their mouths
like Neanderthals.

53
00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:27,247
So they're there to listen to your story?

54
00:03:27,248 --> 00:03:30,664
- Total delusions of grandeur.
- Completely.

55
00:03:30,752 --> 00:03:32,836
Why would you want to hear my story?

56
00:03:32,837 --> 00:03:36,669
Do we know each other?
Do we like each other?

57
00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:39,885
Let me tell you right off, okay?

58
00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:44,473
I'm not a likable guy.
Charm has never been a priority with me.

59
00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:48,810
And just so you know,
this is not the feel-good movie of the year.

60
00:03:48,811 --> 00:03:51,146
So if you're one of those idiots
who needs to feel good,

61
00:03:51,147 --> 00:03:52,898
go get yourself a foot massage.

62
00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:57,277
- Mom, that man's talking to himself!
- Come away, Justin.

63
00:03:57,278 --> 00:04:01,490
What the hell does it all mean anyhow?
Nothing. Zero. Zilch.

64
00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:05,869
Nothing comes to anything, and yet
there's no shortage of idiots to babble.

65
00:04:05,870 --> 00:04:09,289
Not me. I have a vision. I'm discussing you.

66
00:04:09,290 --> 00:04:13,043
Your friends, your co-workers,
your newspapers, the TV.

67
00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:16,255
Everybody's happy to talk,
full of misinformation.

68
00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:20,092
Morality, science, religion, politics,
sports, love.

69
00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:24,513
Your portfolio, your children, health. Christ.

70
00:04:24,597 --> 00:04:27,599
If I have to eat nine servings
of fruits and vegetables a day to live,

71
00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:30,727
I don't want to live.
I hate goddamn fruits and vegetables.

72
00:04:30,728 --> 00:04:34,231
And your omega-3's
and the treadmill and the cardiogram

73
00:04:34,232 --> 00:04:36,775
and the mammogram
and the pelvic sonogram

74
00:04:36,776 --> 00:04:39,470
and, oh, my God, the colonoscopy!

75
00:04:39,529 --> 00:04:43,156
And with it all, the day still comes
when they put you in a box

76
00:04:43,157 --> 00:04:45,242
and it's on to the next generation of idiots

77
00:04:45,243 --> 00:04:50,122
who'll also tell you all about life
and define for you what's appropriate.

78
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:55,127
My father committed suicide because
the morning newspapers depressed him.

79
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,545
And could you blame him?

80
00:04:56,546 --> 00:04:59,798
With the horror and corruption
and ignorance and poverty

81
00:04:59,799 --> 00:05:03,427
and genocide and AIDS
and global warming and terrorism

82
00:05:03,428 --> 00:05:07,322
and the family-value morons
and the gun morons!

83
00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:12,894
"The horror," Kurtz said at the end
of Heart of Darkness. "The horror. "

84
00:05:12,895 --> 00:05:17,274
Lucky Kurtz didn't have the Times delivered
in the jungle, then he'd see some horror.

85
00:05:17,275 --> 00:05:18,608
But what do you do?

86
00:05:18,609 --> 00:05:20,485
You read about some massacre in Darfur

87
00:05:20,486 --> 00:05:24,906
or some school bus gets blown up,
and you go, "Oh, my God, the horror!"

88
00:05:24,907 --> 00:05:29,536
And then you turn the page and finish
your eggs from free-range chickens.

89
00:05:29,537 --> 00:05:32,914
Because what can you do?
It's overwhelming.

90
00:05:32,915 --> 00:05:35,609
I tried to commit suicide myself.

91
00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:38,206
Obviously, it didn't work out.

92
00:05:38,379 --> 00:05:42,090
But why do you even want to hear about
all this? Christ, you got your own problems.

93
00:05:42,091 --> 00:05:46,386
I'm sure you're all obsessed with
any number of sad little hopes and dreams.

94
00:05:46,387 --> 00:05:51,141
Your predictably unsatisfying love lives.
Your failed business ventures.

95
00:05:51,142 --> 00:05:53,477
"Oh, if only I'd bought that stock!"

96
00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:56,772
"If only I had purchased
that house years ago!"

97
00:05:56,773 --> 00:05:59,024
"If only I had made a move on that woman. "

98
00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:01,723
If this, if that. You know what?

99
00:06:01,944 --> 00:06:04,613
Give me a break with your "could haves"
and "should haves. "

100
00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:06,239
Like my mother used to say,

101
00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:09,326
"If my grandmother had wheels,
she'd be a trolley car. "

102
00:06:09,327 --> 00:06:12,662
My mother didn't have wheels.
She had varicose veins.

103
00:06:12,663 --> 00:06:16,416
Still, the woman gave birth
to a brilliant mind.

104
00:06:16,417 --> 00:06:19,294
I was considered
for a Nobel Prize in physics.

105
00:06:19,295 --> 00:06:20,587
I didn't get it.

106
00:06:20,588 --> 00:06:24,508
But, you know, it's all politics,
just like every other phony honor.

107
00:06:24,509 --> 00:06:30,131
Incidentally, don't think I'm bitter
because of some personal setback.

108
00:06:30,139 --> 00:06:35,769
By the standards of a mindless,
barbaric civilization, I've been pretty lucky.

109
00:06:35,770 --> 00:06:38,980
I was married to a beautiful woman,
who had family money.

110
00:06:38,981 --> 00:06:41,943
For years we lived on Beekman Place.

111
00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:45,252
I taught at Columbia. String theory.

112
00:06:50,451 --> 00:06:52,547
What's the matter, Boris?

113
00:06:52,703 --> 00:06:53,703
I'm dying!

114
00:06:53,788 --> 00:06:55,163
What is it?

115
00:06:56,332 --> 00:06:57,624
I'm dying!

116
00:06:57,708 --> 00:06:59,000
Should I call an ambulance?

117
00:06:59,001 --> 00:07:03,588
No! No, not now! No, not tonight!
I mean, eventually!

118
00:07:03,673 --> 00:07:06,633
- Boris, everybody dies.
- It's unacceptable!

119
00:07:06,634 --> 00:07:10,303
Your panic attacks are getting more frequent
and more intense.

120
00:07:10,304 --> 00:07:12,013
You have to go back on your medicine.

121
00:07:12,014 --> 00:07:13,974
I'm not going back
on my goddamn medicine.

122
00:07:13,975 --> 00:07:15,642
I won't have my mind
befuddled by chemicals

123
00:07:15,643 --> 00:07:18,270
when I'm the only one who sees
the whole picture for exactly what it is.

124
00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:19,354
Where's the goddamn vodka?

125
00:07:19,355 --> 00:07:20,939
Boris, I have clients to see
tomorrow morning.

126
00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:24,401
- It is 4:00 a. m.!
- Clients. Right. Wealthy bankers.

127
00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:28,655
To design their chic apartment, to fill it
full of art and expensive possessions,

128
00:07:28,656 --> 00:07:29,948
so they can flaunt their money

129
00:07:29,949 --> 00:07:34,536
and be in the top 1% of this shameful,
violent, prejudiced,

130
00:07:34,537 --> 00:07:38,373
illiterate, sexually repressed,
self-righteous nation!

131
00:07:38,374 --> 00:07:43,253
Christ, it is 4:00 a. m.
Can you spare me this sophomoric tirade!

132
00:07:43,254 --> 00:07:46,923
I'm a man with a huge worldview.
I'm surrounded by microbes!

133
00:07:46,924 --> 00:07:51,761
And what about me? Am I a microbe?
Is our son at Yale a microbe?

134
00:07:51,762 --> 00:07:54,055
Let's face it, Jessica, okay?

135
00:07:54,056 --> 00:07:56,641
Our marriage hasn't been a garden of roses.

136
00:07:56,642 --> 00:07:59,394
Botanically speaking,
you're more of a Venus flytrap.

137
00:07:59,395 --> 00:08:02,397
You are a very difficult man to live with.

138
00:08:02,398 --> 00:08:04,483
- Is that why you had an affair?
- I didn't have an affair.

139
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:07,986
It was a brief interlude of infidelity,
and it happened years ago.

140
00:08:07,987 --> 00:08:10,155
You still can't forget it!

141
00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:13,646
I see everything so clearly now. Everything!

142
00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:17,412
- I married you for all the wrong reasons.
- What's that supposed to mean?

143
00:08:17,413 --> 00:08:20,582
You're brilliant. I wanted someone to talk to.

144
00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:24,544
You loved classical music, you loved art,
you loved literature.

145
00:08:24,545 --> 00:08:26,630
You loved sex! You loved me!

146
00:08:26,631 --> 00:08:28,423
Those sound like pretty good reasons to me!

147
00:08:28,424 --> 00:08:32,177
Yes! Exactly! That's the problem!
That's the problem!

148
00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:34,763
It was rational, it made sense!

149
00:08:34,847 --> 00:08:36,681
I don't know what went wrong.

150
00:08:36,682 --> 00:08:40,060
When you examine it,
there is so much right about us.

151
00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:41,893
On paper we're ideal.

152
00:08:44,982 --> 00:08:47,082
But life isn't on paper.

153
00:08:48,194 --> 00:08:51,571
Boris? Boris, what are you doing?

154
00:08:52,740 --> 00:08:54,366
Close the window!

155
00:08:55,117 --> 00:08:56,159
Boris!

156
00:08:57,119 --> 00:09:01,373
Can you believe I hit the canopy?
I hit the goddamn canopy.

157
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:05,126
Months in the hospital! Moron doctors!
Look. Look at this limp.

158
00:09:05,127 --> 00:09:07,359
I never had a limp before.

159
00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:11,633
Meanwhile, I divorced Jessica,
moved downtown and gave up.

160
00:09:11,634 --> 00:09:15,804
I eke out a meager living
teaching chess to incompetent zombies.

161
00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:17,138
Checkmate, you little patzer.

162
00:09:17,139 --> 00:09:20,767
Hey! He's only eight years old, Mr. Yellnikoff.
You're supposed to be teaching him...

163
00:09:20,768 --> 00:09:23,800
He'll be an incompetent idiot at 58.

164
00:09:24,313 --> 00:09:29,526
More important than how I make my living,
is why I bother to live at all.

165
00:09:29,527 --> 00:09:32,195
Nights, I have trouble sleeping
and hang out on Mott Street,

166
00:09:32,196 --> 00:09:35,323
trying to explain to cretins that
while a black man got into the White House

167
00:09:35,324 --> 00:09:37,492
he still can't get a cab in New York.

168
00:09:37,493 --> 00:09:40,829
Almost 100 years
after the abolition of slavery,

169
00:09:40,830 --> 00:09:45,125
a man couldn't play a game of baseball in
the big leagues if his skin color was black.

170
00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:47,490
You're harping on one point.

171
00:09:47,795 --> 00:09:51,006
Oh, good. Okay, forget blacks. Take Jews.

172
00:09:51,007 --> 00:09:52,132
- What?
- Here we go.

173
00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:55,885
For years they restricted the number of Jews
in schools, medical schools.

174
00:09:55,886 --> 00:10:00,098
In America, as much as they hated blacks,
they hate Jews even more.

175
00:10:00,099 --> 00:10:03,810
Blacks they were scared had too big a penis.
Jews they hated, even with little penises.

176
00:10:03,811 --> 00:10:05,228
For God's sake, I'm eating here.

177
00:10:05,229 --> 00:10:07,606
You! I've been looking for you.

178
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:09,316
- I want to talk to you.
- Who are you?

179
00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:14,863
Did you pick up a chessboard full of pieces
and hit my son with it at his lesson today?

180
00:10:14,864 --> 00:10:16,573
That idiot's your son?

181
00:10:16,574 --> 00:10:18,742
Do me a favor.
Don't send that cretin to me anymore.

182
00:10:18,743 --> 00:10:20,702
I can't teach an empty-headed zombie chess.

183
00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:24,706
I'll have you know
that he is a very bright child.

184
00:10:24,707 --> 00:10:28,043
In your opinion. In your opinion.

185
00:10:28,127 --> 00:10:30,545
Which is skewed,
because he's your unfortunate issue.

186
00:10:30,546 --> 00:10:33,006
So you threw a chessboard at him?

187
00:10:33,007 --> 00:10:34,424
I didn't throw it at him.

188
00:10:34,425 --> 00:10:38,136
I picked up the board
and dumped the pieces on his head

189
00:10:38,137 --> 00:10:41,389
as an object lesson
to shake him out of his vegetable torpor.

190
00:10:41,390 --> 00:10:44,059
You wait until my husband gets back
from Florida.

191
00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:48,146
- What's he doing in Florida without you?
- He will punch you in the nose.

192
00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:49,731
Her husband's in Fort Lauderdale.

193
00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:52,692
He's probably hanging out with naked coeds
on spring break.

194
00:10:52,693 --> 00:10:54,402
He tells her it's a business trip.

195
00:10:54,403 --> 00:10:59,027
Your son's an imbecile.
Teach him tiddlywinks, not chess.

196
00:11:02,745 --> 00:11:04,371
You handled that beautifully, Boris.

197
00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:07,290
You know, you should open
the Boris Yellnikoff Charm School.

198
00:11:07,291 --> 00:11:10,043
Let's get out of here. It's late. I'm tired.

199
00:11:10,044 --> 00:11:11,586
Good night, Boris.

200
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:13,797
What? What are you doing?

201
00:11:15,424 --> 00:11:18,056
Where are you going? That's it?

202
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:27,311
- Sir?
- Hey! What?

203
00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:31,439
What the hell are you doing?
My God, you scared me. For God's sake!

204
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:34,693
You creep up on me like that,
you little vagrant. What do you want?

205
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,403
Can you help me get something to eat?

206
00:11:36,404 --> 00:11:39,114
Oh, God, no, I don't carry any money.
Now, come on,

207
00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:41,199
you can tell that to your partner,
wherever he's hiding.

208
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:43,702
- Please, I'm so hungry!
- Back up! Back up!

209
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:46,663
I haven't had anything to eat all day.
I think I'm going to faint.

210
00:11:46,664 --> 00:11:48,748
Yeah, listen, I'm wise to that scam,
little girl, okay?

211
00:11:48,749 --> 00:11:50,583
I know about professional beggar school.

212
00:11:50,584 --> 00:11:52,460
Please, I'm desperate.

213
00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:58,466
God, stop that! You look terrible!
What's wrong with you?

214
00:11:58,968 --> 00:12:00,468
Just... All right.

215
00:12:01,220 --> 00:12:03,638
Come up for two minutes. That's it.
And then...

216
00:12:03,639 --> 00:12:05,933
- And then go.
- Thank you!

217
00:12:06,058 --> 00:12:08,488
Two minutes, okay? That's it.

218
00:12:11,856 --> 00:12:15,150
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you

219
00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:18,778
Happy birthday, dear Boris
Happy birthday to you

220
00:12:18,779 --> 00:12:21,656
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you

221
00:12:21,657 --> 00:12:25,452
Happy birthday, dear Boris
Happy birthday to you

222
00:12:25,453 --> 00:12:26,578
Is this your birthday?

223
00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:31,249
You don't know you have to sing
Happy Birthday twice to get the germs off?

224
00:12:31,250 --> 00:12:33,501
You said you were starving.
What do you like?

225
00:12:33,502 --> 00:12:38,423
I like oysters, blackened redfish,
gumbo, crab legs, black-eyed...

226
00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:41,926
Are you nuts? What do you think
I'm running? A Creole restaurant?

227
00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:45,597
- How about a can of sardines?
- Oh, yes, please.

228
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:48,600
Gumbo. So what's your name?

229
00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:51,269
Melody. Melody Celestine.

230
00:12:51,353 --> 00:12:53,354
Melody Celestine.

231
00:12:53,522 --> 00:12:55,982
Melody Saint Anne Celestine.

232
00:12:56,108 --> 00:13:00,406
It's French.
My mama's family was from New Orleans.

233
00:13:00,946 --> 00:13:03,490
I'm from Mississippi, Mr...

234
00:13:06,452 --> 00:13:09,621
Muggeridge. Lionel Muggeridge.

235
00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:11,664
Mr. Muggeridge.

236
00:13:14,543 --> 00:13:17,703
Eden, Mississippi. You ever hear of it?

237
00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:23,551
No, I haven't. Not even the people
who live there have heard of it.

238
00:13:23,552 --> 00:13:24,969
So...

239
00:13:25,179 --> 00:13:27,722
So what are you running away from?

240
00:13:27,723 --> 00:13:28,973
Home.

241
00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:31,226
Could you be more specific, Melanie?

242
00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:34,103
Melody. Melanie was
from Gone with the Wind.

243
00:13:34,104 --> 00:13:37,232
Oh, yeah.
I preferred the one who played Scarlett.

244
00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:40,568
Why? Melanie was the nice one.
She marries Ashley.

245
00:13:40,569 --> 00:13:41,903
Ashley. What an imbecile!

246
00:13:41,904 --> 00:13:43,947
I couldn't stand him,
I couldn't stand his wife,

247
00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:46,783
that goody two-shoes, sexual nothing.

248
00:13:46,784 --> 00:13:51,996
Scarlett, bitch that she was,
with those green eyes...

249
00:13:52,081 --> 00:13:56,000
You know, I came in first dressed
as Scarlett O'Hara in one of the pageants.

250
00:13:56,001 --> 00:13:57,335
Pageant?

251
00:13:58,254 --> 00:14:01,631
My mom always used to keep me busy
in all these beauty contests.

252
00:14:01,632 --> 00:14:04,509
That's why I didn't get to schooling much.

253
00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:08,008
All right, my advice to you, go back home.

254
00:14:08,222 --> 00:14:11,015
Oh, no, I'm never going back home.

255
00:14:11,016 --> 00:14:14,519
You're a brainless little twit
who won't last three days in New York.

256
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:18,273
You'd be dead now of starvation
if I hadn't a heart as big as all outdoors.

257
00:14:18,274 --> 00:14:20,608
I can't go back home, Mr. Muggeridge.

258
00:14:20,609 --> 00:14:23,027
- All right, stop calling me Muggeridge.
- But that's your name.

259
00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:25,363
No, it's not my name.
My name is Boris Yellnikoff.

260
00:14:25,364 --> 00:14:29,200
I was using an alias. I thought, who knows,
you might be from the Taliban or something.

261
00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:30,785
Can I stay here?

262
00:14:31,370 --> 00:14:35,206
Stay here? What are you? Nuts?
How old are you?

263
00:14:35,207 --> 00:14:37,792
- I'm 21.
- Twenty-one? Yeah.

264
00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:41,796
You're 21 like I play for the Yankees.
Twenty-one!

265
00:14:41,797 --> 00:14:44,173
You're a professional athlete with that limp?

266
00:14:44,174 --> 00:14:47,260
- Oh, Christ!
- All right, look, I don't want to go back.

267
00:14:47,261 --> 00:14:49,387
Okay? I want to make
a new life here in New York.

268
00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:53,516
You'll wind up a prostitute, like those Asian
girls who come here full of high hopes.

269
00:14:53,517 --> 00:14:56,311
And then they wind up
turning tricks to keep alive.

270
00:14:56,312 --> 00:14:58,354
And many of them
are actually good-looking.

271
00:14:58,355 --> 00:15:02,317
That's so funny you just mentioned tricks!
You know, I do magic.

272
00:15:02,318 --> 00:15:05,904
I do. I can show you. I just need...
Do you have any silk handkerchiefs?

273
00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:09,073
Yeah, you know, some other time, you're...

274
00:15:09,074 --> 00:15:13,995
Look, you're a sweet kid.
Stupid beyond all comprehension,

275
00:15:14,496 --> 00:15:19,334
but you'll never survive here.
You got nothing going for you. Zero. Zilch.

276
00:15:19,335 --> 00:15:22,420
You know, you may be beauty contest
material in the Deep South,

277
00:15:22,421 --> 00:15:25,381
but this is the big time. Here, you're a three.

278
00:15:25,382 --> 00:15:28,051
A five maybe after you bathe.

279
00:15:29,261 --> 00:15:31,554
Did you get that limp
playing for the Yankees?

280
00:15:31,555 --> 00:15:33,681
Imbecile child. Brainless inchworm.

281
00:15:33,682 --> 00:15:37,352
I didn't play for the Yankees!
I was being sarcastic before.

282
00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:42,023
- Oh, you... I took it seriously.
- Yes.

283
00:15:42,524 --> 00:15:46,945
I usually get jokes. At the church's social,
I was the comedian twice.

284
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:48,696
- I've a way with jokes. Yes.
- Really?

285
00:15:48,697 --> 00:15:51,282
- Spare me and just get out.
- No, Mr. Muggeridge...

286
00:15:51,283 --> 00:15:53,910
Stop calling me Muggeridge, okay?
I already explained that!

287
00:15:53,911 --> 00:15:57,013
I know, I know. I'm sorry. I just...

288
00:15:57,206 --> 00:16:01,209
I just need a place to stay for a few nights,
till I get on my feet.

289
00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:03,644
I don't have anywhere to go.

290
00:16:04,546 --> 00:16:08,383
And if you throw me out
and I wind up an Asian prostitute,

291
00:16:08,384 --> 00:16:11,280
that's gonna be on your conscience.

292
00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:18,059
I give up. Sleep on the couch, imbecile.
I'm too tired to prolong this brutal exchange

293
00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:22,482
between a bedraggled microbe
and a Nobel-level thinker.

294
00:16:22,648 --> 00:16:24,857
- Keep out of my way.
- I will, I promise.

295
00:16:24,858 --> 00:16:26,901
I'm just gonna use the little girl's
to freshen up,

296
00:16:26,902 --> 00:16:28,236
and then I'm gonna go right to sleep.

297
00:16:28,237 --> 00:16:33,408
Yes, yes, use the little girl's. Freshen up.
Don't forget to tip the attendant.

298
00:16:33,409 --> 00:16:36,744
- I won't. Thank you so much, Mr...
- Oh, what?

299
00:16:36,745 --> 00:16:38,413
- You were going to say Muggeridge again?
- No!

300
00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:41,332
It's Boris Yellnikoff!
You call me Muggeridge one more time,

301
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:43,918
I'm gonna throw you
out the goddamn window.

302
00:16:43,919 --> 00:16:46,838
- Do you mind if I watch a little TV?
- Yes, I do, simpleton.

303
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:49,173
I just like to turn
some on at night to unwind.

304
00:16:49,174 --> 00:16:56,070
Yeah. You touch that dial, I'll unwind your
head with my bare hands. How about that?

305
00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:58,224
- Did you hear about Boris?
- What?

306
00:16:58,225 --> 00:17:00,852
I tried to call him yesterday
and a woman answered the phone.

307
00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:01,936
No! Who is she?

308
00:17:01,937 --> 00:17:03,855
He got conned into
letting some little runaway

309
00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:06,733
bed down in his apartment
while she looks for a job and gets settled.

310
00:17:06,734 --> 00:17:08,401
Apparently she's never been
to New York before

311
00:17:08,402 --> 00:17:10,778
and she's asked him
if he would show her around.

312
00:17:10,779 --> 00:17:12,488
- Boris is going to be sightseeing?
- Yeah.

313
00:17:12,489 --> 00:17:13,823
- Not a chance.
- No way.

314
00:17:13,824 --> 00:17:15,033
No way.

315
00:17:16,285 --> 00:17:20,621
My whole life I've lived in New York,
I never wanted to go to Grant's Tomb.

316
00:17:20,622 --> 00:17:22,718
- Now I know why.
- Why?

317
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:25,942
I should never go to a tomb, ever.

318
00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:28,254
My mom brought me up to believe that

319
00:17:28,255 --> 00:17:31,549
the good Lord has a plan
that we're all a part of.

320
00:17:31,550 --> 00:17:36,220
- He has his eye on the sparrow.
- Yeah, I pity the sparrow.

321
00:17:36,221 --> 00:17:39,557
I'm not getting into heaven, though.
I sinned.

322
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:42,226
You? You're kidding. You sinned?

323
00:17:42,478 --> 00:17:44,729
I made love before I was married.

324
00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:45,772
Oh, my God.

325
00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:50,485
Plenty of my friends have, but in my house,
that's just unforgivable.

326
00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:51,903
I just couldn't resist Bobby Klaxon.

327
00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:54,072
All right, okay,
spare me the details, all right.

328
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:56,824
No, it was really beautiful!
I mean, he was just

329
00:17:56,825 --> 00:17:59,911
this pretty boy guitar player
in this amazing rock band.

330
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:02,330
I mean, if you think you're a genius,
he can double on the drums.

331
00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:04,889
- No! Doubles on drums?
- Yeah.

332
00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:09,337
All the girls had a crush on him,
but he liked me.

333
00:18:09,338 --> 00:18:11,798
He was so sweet and sensitive,

334
00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:14,342
and he caught the biggest catfish
in Plaquemines County.

335
00:18:14,343 --> 00:18:16,511
I wondered who caught that catfish.

336
00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:19,639
Hey, you know, my mom always told me
that it was gonna hurt the first time,

337
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:20,932
you know, she said it was, you know,

338
00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:25,437
it's a woman's duty to just lie down,
bear it and...

339
00:18:25,687 --> 00:18:29,107
You know, she said there were a lot
of perversions involved, and that, you know,

340
00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:30,608
it's God's will, you shouldn't do it

341
00:18:30,609 --> 00:18:33,820
unless you were married
and you planned to have kids and...

342
00:18:33,821 --> 00:18:36,531
She said it could be dangerous,
but I just felt like it was

343
00:18:36,532 --> 00:18:41,119
the most natural thing in the world.
You know, it just felt right.

344
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:46,082
And all the little extras were just fun.
It wasn't complicated at all.

345
00:18:46,083 --> 00:18:50,962
And I think Bobby really liked it, because
he was going to dump his Betty Jo Cleary,

346
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:55,216
this girl he was going steady with.
But I wouldn't, I wouldn't hear of it.

347
00:18:55,217 --> 00:19:01,139
It was just what it was, you know, it was a
nice moment behind the tent at the fish fry.

348
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:04,183
That is the most disgusting story
I've ever heard.

349
00:19:04,184 --> 00:19:09,730
You and this adenoidal guitar player slaking
your lust at some barbaric social function.

350
00:19:09,731 --> 00:19:11,315
You don't like to make love?

351
00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:13,317
No, I do not. No.

352
00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:15,361
That's crazy!

353
00:19:17,489 --> 00:19:19,407
Boris, do you want to
be buried or cremated?

354
00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:21,242
All right, I really don't want to
talk about that. Okay?

355
00:19:21,243 --> 00:19:23,911
- I think I want to be cremated.
- All right, will you shut up, cretin?

356
00:19:23,912 --> 00:19:25,410
There's no worms.

357
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:29,394
- What is this?
- A knish.

358
00:19:29,418 --> 00:19:30,877
And what's it made of?

359
00:19:30,878 --> 00:19:33,087
I've been eating these things for years,
they're delicious.

360
00:19:33,088 --> 00:19:34,213
I don't know what's in them.

361
00:19:34,214 --> 00:19:37,425
I don't want to know what's in them.
Don't even talk about it!

362
00:19:37,426 --> 00:19:41,262
- Oh, my God! The horror! The horror!
- Boris!

363
00:19:41,805 --> 00:19:45,433
- Are you all right? What happened?
- No, I'm not all right.

364
00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:47,768
- Are you sick?
- No.

365
00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:49,478
Did you have a bad dream?

366
00:19:49,479 --> 00:19:51,307
Yeah, it was terrible.

367
00:19:51,315 --> 00:19:54,747
- Come here. It's okay.
- Oh, I can't...

368
00:19:54,860 --> 00:19:56,694
Oh, baby, you're sweating. Come sit down.

369
00:19:56,695 --> 00:19:58,613
Night sweats. I get them.

370
00:19:58,614 --> 00:20:01,782
I used to think it was AIDS, but it's just that
I have a morbid fear of the dark

371
00:20:01,783 --> 00:20:05,703
- and you turned my night-light off!
- Oh, I'm sorry.

372
00:20:05,704 --> 00:20:08,164
Does your stomach hurt?
Could it be the kwish?

373
00:20:08,165 --> 00:20:09,957
Knish! Not kwish.

374
00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:14,629
Well, here, I'll put something on TV.

375
00:20:14,630 --> 00:20:19,658
- I saw the abyss.
- Don't worry, we'll watch something else.

376
00:20:26,725 --> 00:20:28,751
- Oh, this is...
- Yeah.

377
00:20:28,977 --> 00:20:31,646
Fred Astaire. Yeah.

378
00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:33,981
Leave that.

379
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,430
That's good. Leave that.

380
00:20:47,037 --> 00:20:49,205
There, that's it, okay?
Can we get the hell out of here?

381
00:20:49,206 --> 00:20:52,917
Oh, my God, that's it! It's the actual one!

382
00:20:53,001 --> 00:20:55,567
I've only seen it in pictures!

383
00:20:55,754 --> 00:20:59,674
"Bring me your tired,
your poor, your huddled masses... "

384
00:20:59,675 --> 00:21:02,009
I'm surprised you know that, terrible as it is.

385
00:21:02,010 --> 00:21:07,056
I closed with it for the Miss Greenwood,
Mississippi pageant. I think it's so moving.

386
00:21:07,057 --> 00:21:09,517
But the huddled masses were
never welcomed with open arms.

387
00:21:09,518 --> 00:21:13,521
Soon as they came over, each ethnic group
was met with violence and hostility.

388
00:21:13,522 --> 00:21:16,315
Each one had to claw and fight its way in.

389
00:21:16,316 --> 00:21:19,318
People always hated foreigners.
It's the American way.

390
00:21:19,319 --> 00:21:23,072
Our pageants like to focus
on the positive things about America.

391
00:21:23,073 --> 00:21:27,326
Yeah. The blacks were kidnapped
from Africa! Chained in ships!

392
00:21:27,327 --> 00:21:29,412
My daddy says that
America bends over backwards

393
00:21:29,413 --> 00:21:31,622
for the blacks because we feel guilty,
and it's crazy.

394
00:21:31,623 --> 00:21:37,003
Oh, yeah, your daddy. Your daddy's
a cracker. He's a bigot moron. Your daddy!

395
00:21:37,004 --> 00:21:39,880
Well, you're probably right,
'cause you're a genius,

396
00:21:39,881 --> 00:21:44,844
but for a little Mississippi girl like me,
this is really exciting!

397
00:21:44,845 --> 00:21:47,763
So what kind of genius are you, anyway?

398
00:21:47,764 --> 00:21:51,390
- What kind?
- Yeah, what are you genius at?

399
00:21:52,269 --> 00:21:53,853
Quantum mechanics.

400
00:21:53,937 --> 00:21:56,697
Yeah, but what field? Like, music?

401
00:21:57,733 --> 00:22:02,278
When you see kids tossing a ball,
does it ever make you miss spring training?

402
00:22:02,279 --> 00:22:07,033
All right, I've never played for the Yankees.
Do you understand that?

403
00:22:07,034 --> 00:22:12,326
I have never played any sports
whatsoever in my life! Okay? Ever!

404
00:22:12,456 --> 00:22:15,624
Joe, Leo, you gotta help me out.
I can't take it anymore.

405
00:22:15,625 --> 00:22:18,419
- Just kick her out.
- Can you believe it's been a month already?

406
00:22:18,420 --> 00:22:21,130
- A whole month? God, time flies.
- Well put.

407
00:22:21,131 --> 00:22:22,757
Well, at least is she pretty?

408
00:22:22,758 --> 00:22:24,967
- She's won some beauty contests.
- No.

409
00:22:24,968 --> 00:22:27,636
Tall? Short? Blond? Describe her.

410
00:22:27,637 --> 00:22:31,474
Well, she's blond. Nice height. Nice eyes.

411
00:22:31,975 --> 00:22:34,727
Didn't quite realize
how blue they were that first night.

412
00:22:34,728 --> 00:22:39,440
Her face is a little more symmetrical
than I had originally conceived.

413
00:22:39,441 --> 00:22:42,610
She's not a ten. In a pinch, six.

414
00:22:42,986 --> 00:22:47,618
- Good in bed?
- How would I know? I just want her out.

415
00:22:48,825 --> 00:22:51,118
- Can I ask you to dance with me?
- It's too crowded.

416
00:22:51,119 --> 00:22:53,162
I don't mean now. In a few minutes,

417
00:22:53,163 --> 00:22:55,748
the dance will be over
and everyone will go home.

418
00:22:55,749 --> 00:22:57,500
Well, the band will go home, too.

419
00:22:57,501 --> 00:23:01,670
Why, there'll just be the two of us left,
and we can imagine the music.

420
00:23:01,671 --> 00:23:04,215
We can pretend
there's a big orchestra of violins

421
00:23:04,216 --> 00:23:07,916
and they're playing just for us as we dance.

422
00:23:08,512 --> 00:23:11,097
You know, it's been proven
television eats away the brain.

423
00:23:11,098 --> 00:23:14,308
Oh, hi! Shoot, I was gonna surprise you!

424
00:23:14,309 --> 00:23:15,976
What? What's all this?

425
00:23:15,977 --> 00:23:17,728
I'm making you a special dinner.

426
00:23:17,729 --> 00:23:19,146
- Really? For me?
- Yeah.

427
00:23:19,147 --> 00:23:21,315
And me, 'cause we're celebrating.

428
00:23:21,316 --> 00:23:23,651
We are? What is it?

429
00:23:24,194 --> 00:23:27,405
- Crawfish! I found some at the market.
- Jesus. It's stinking up the whole house!

430
00:23:27,406 --> 00:23:29,240
No, they're so good. You'll love them.

431
00:23:29,241 --> 00:23:33,327
Listen, Melody, seriously, we have to talk.

432
00:23:33,412 --> 00:23:35,996
Oh, yeah. I know. We'll talk over dinner.
It's almost done.

433
00:23:35,997 --> 00:23:39,542
Melody, you're a very nice young woman.
Really, very nice.

434
00:23:39,543 --> 00:23:42,002
You have a lot of nice attributes,

435
00:23:42,003 --> 00:23:46,424
but, you know, you just can't
continue to stay here ad infinitum.

436
00:23:46,425 --> 00:23:49,593
Yeah, yeah, but that's my news.
Guess what?

437
00:23:49,594 --> 00:23:53,096
I got a job! I can start paying you rent.

438
00:23:53,223 --> 00:23:55,975
Rent? I don't want you to pay me rent!

439
00:23:55,976 --> 00:23:58,978
I want my life back. What kind of job?

440
00:23:58,979 --> 00:24:02,106
I start tomorrow as a dog walker.

441
00:24:02,190 --> 00:24:05,317
A dog walker? Oh, my God. Seriously...

442
00:24:05,402 --> 00:24:09,113
Melody, don't you think you should
go back home and finish high school,

443
00:24:09,114 --> 00:24:11,210
maybe even go to college?

444
00:24:11,283 --> 00:24:14,034
I thought the other night
you were talking about how America has

445
00:24:14,035 --> 00:24:16,745
one of the worst education systems
in the Old West.

446
00:24:16,746 --> 00:24:19,290
- No, no, the Western world.
- Yeah, right, exactly,

447
00:24:19,291 --> 00:24:24,047
and how most colleges just turn out
mindless zombie morons.

448
00:24:24,838 --> 00:24:27,330
You could benefit from classes.

449
00:24:28,133 --> 00:24:30,695
I think the crawfish are ready.

450
00:24:31,261 --> 00:24:32,928
What is that song?

451
00:24:40,437 --> 00:24:43,522
They played that song the first time
I went out with Jessica.

452
00:24:43,523 --> 00:24:47,021
- Where did you go?
- We went to a dance.

453
00:24:47,277 --> 00:24:51,280
We were both students
at the University of Chicago.

454
00:24:51,281 --> 00:24:54,585
She had a high IQ and a low-cut dress.

455
00:24:55,118 --> 00:24:58,913
Boy, they really don't write them
like they used to.

456
00:24:58,914 --> 00:25:00,746
Oh! That's a cliché.

457
00:25:01,416 --> 00:25:03,710
Good, Melody. You caught it.

458
00:25:03,752 --> 00:25:06,962
Well, you always get so mad
when I do them.

459
00:25:06,963 --> 00:25:10,174
Yeah, I shouldn't really. Sometimes a cliché

460
00:25:10,175 --> 00:25:13,941
is finally the best way
to make one's point.

461
00:25:14,596 --> 00:25:15,930
Boris,

462
00:25:17,516 --> 00:25:22,019
what would you say if I was to say

463
00:25:23,355 --> 00:25:26,985
that I was developing a little crush on you?

464
00:25:28,068 --> 00:25:30,236
- I'd say don't.
- Why?

465
00:25:31,947 --> 00:25:37,660
Because anything deeper, more significant
between us, is out of the question.

466
00:25:37,661 --> 00:25:38,689
Because why?

467
00:25:38,745 --> 00:25:43,703
Because it's too preposterous
to even dignity with an answer.

468
00:25:43,708 --> 00:25:44,875
It is?

469
00:25:46,169 --> 00:25:48,337
Every single thing is against it.

470
00:25:48,338 --> 00:25:51,674
Our ages, our backgrounds,
our brains, our interests.

471
00:25:51,675 --> 00:25:56,220
Not to mention, I have no desire to have
a relationship with a woman, any woman,

472
00:25:56,221 --> 00:25:59,848
nor any urge to make love,
nor any desire to be anything

473
00:25:59,849 --> 00:26:02,143
but isolated from the world.

474
00:26:02,477 --> 00:26:05,641
And, you know, you're a beautiful girl

475
00:26:05,647 --> 00:26:10,139
who should be meeting normal healthy men
and going out.

476
00:26:10,235 --> 00:26:13,733
Yeah, but I don't like normal healthy men.

477
00:26:14,948 --> 00:26:16,323
I like you.

478
00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:23,414
I... You're hallucinating!
I'm sure you'll make some man very happy

479
00:26:23,498 --> 00:26:28,669
at a fish fry or a dog fight
or however you people spend time.

480
00:26:28,670 --> 00:26:31,232
You really think I'm beautiful?

481
00:26:31,339 --> 00:26:35,801
I admit I didn't give you your full due at first,
physically.

482
00:26:35,802 --> 00:26:38,679
However, as only a great mind can do,

483
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:41,265
I've reassessed my

484
00:26:42,058 --> 00:26:45,311
position, and changed my mind.

485
00:26:46,563 --> 00:26:49,859
So you could never think of marrying me?

486
00:26:50,567 --> 00:26:52,484
Have you lost your mind?

487
00:26:52,485 --> 00:26:55,529
Why on Earth would you even
fantasize about such a thing?

488
00:26:55,530 --> 00:26:59,366
What could I offer you,
but a bad temper, hypochondriasis,

489
00:26:59,367 --> 00:27:03,537
morbid fixations,
reclusive rages and misanthropy?

490
00:27:04,247 --> 00:27:05,873
And what could you offer me?

491
00:27:05,874 --> 00:27:09,632
A character out of Faulkner,
not unlike Benjy.

492
00:27:10,295 --> 00:27:13,125
The answer to your question is no.

493
00:27:13,256 --> 00:27:18,385
I think you should stay here for a while,
accumulate some money,

494
00:27:18,386 --> 00:27:22,097
and then find a place of your own,
and move on with your life.

495
00:27:22,098 --> 00:27:24,326
Well, what about your life?

496
00:27:24,351 --> 00:27:27,645
Let me teach you
something about love. Okay?

497
00:27:27,646 --> 00:27:29,897
Naturally, there are exceptions
to what I'm going to say,

498
00:27:29,898 --> 00:27:32,691
but they're the exception, not the rule.

499
00:27:32,692 --> 00:27:36,028
Love, despite what they tell you,

500
00:27:36,946 --> 00:27:41,116
does not conquer all.
Nor does it even usually last.

501
00:27:41,117 --> 00:27:44,912
In the end,
the romantic aspirations of our youth

502
00:27:44,913 --> 00:27:46,580
are reduced to

503
00:27:47,207 --> 00:27:49,375
whatever works. Okay?

504
00:27:51,127 --> 00:27:55,089
Why do I think
your bark is worse than your bite?

505
00:27:55,090 --> 00:27:56,215
Cliché, Melody.

506
00:27:56,216 --> 00:28:01,986
Oh, I don't care! If the shoe fits, wear it,
and that's another one.

507
00:28:11,815 --> 00:28:14,315
We need to talk for a minute.

508
00:28:15,485 --> 00:28:20,489
Can you believe this little inchworm
setting her sights on me?

509
00:28:20,490 --> 00:28:26,453
Yes, yes, we had some pleasant moments.
Some dinners, some walks in the park.

510
00:28:26,454 --> 00:28:29,957
I gave her the benefit
of my vast knowledge and experience.

511
00:28:29,958 --> 00:28:33,502
Tried to impart to her the perceptions
and values

512
00:28:33,503 --> 00:28:35,929
of a truly original mentality.

513
00:28:36,506 --> 00:28:39,466
I only wish I could do a Pygmalion on her.

514
00:28:39,467 --> 00:28:44,179
But if Henry Higgins ever tried to
transform Melody Saint Anne Celestine,

515
00:28:44,180 --> 00:28:47,608
he, too, would have jumped out the window.

516
00:29:05,410 --> 00:29:06,535
Come on.

517
00:29:06,619 --> 00:29:08,537
- Oh, boy! New friends.
- I'm sorry.

518
00:29:08,538 --> 00:29:10,164
Oh, yeah. They like each other.

519
00:29:10,165 --> 00:29:12,541
It's okay. I rather like dogs.

520
00:29:12,542 --> 00:29:16,336
Well, I'm more of a cat person, myself.
I just do this professionally. Sorry.

521
00:29:16,337 --> 00:29:18,839
I never met a professional dog walker.

522
00:29:18,840 --> 00:29:22,676
Really? It's not really
the career that I want, but...

523
00:29:22,677 --> 00:29:24,553
What do you want to do?

524
00:29:24,554 --> 00:29:27,055
I'd like to work with children.

525
00:29:27,056 --> 00:29:29,558
You're very pretty, you know that?

526
00:29:29,559 --> 00:29:32,978
- Shut up! Thank you.
- Can I ask your name?

527
00:29:32,979 --> 00:29:36,273
It's Melody. Melody Saint Anne Celestine.

528
00:29:36,357 --> 00:29:40,027
What a beautiful name!
Mine's Perry Singleton.

529
00:29:40,028 --> 00:29:41,737
- It's nice to meet you.
- Yes, nice to meet you.

530
00:29:41,738 --> 00:29:43,970
May I walk along with you?

531
00:29:44,491 --> 00:29:48,202
I don't see why not, you know,
since we're all doomed anyway.

532
00:29:48,203 --> 00:29:51,789
- Pardon me?
- Well, you know, everything ends.

533
00:29:51,790 --> 00:29:53,749
I don't think I follow.

534
00:29:53,750 --> 00:29:58,170
Well, you know, it's like the cosmos,
or eternity.

535
00:29:58,963 --> 00:30:03,425
Whichever's bigger.
I just know that we're all flying apart.

536
00:30:03,426 --> 00:30:06,261
What is that? What is that? Is that a move?

537
00:30:06,262 --> 00:30:07,596
Well, I thought your bishop was...

538
00:30:07,597 --> 00:30:10,182
My bishop what? What?
You patzer, you earthworm!

539
00:30:10,183 --> 00:30:13,268
How many times do I have to tell you?
You don't take that pawn.

540
00:30:13,269 --> 00:30:15,312
That's called the poisoned pawn,
because look!

541
00:30:15,313 --> 00:30:17,669
- Boris!
- Look what happens!

542
00:30:17,774 --> 00:30:19,107
- Sorry, Mr. Yellnikoff.
- Yeah, you're sorry,

543
00:30:19,108 --> 00:30:21,235
you're sorry.
Use your head next time, you won't be sorry!

544
00:30:21,236 --> 00:30:23,362
- Boris!
- Yeah. Do your homework next week.

545
00:30:23,363 --> 00:30:25,155
Don't waste my time.

546
00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:26,740
- Hey!
- Poisoned!

547
00:30:27,033 --> 00:30:30,285
I got off work early today and I thought
maybe we could walk home together.

548
00:30:30,286 --> 00:30:32,579
Maybe I can make black-eyed peas
and crab cakes for dinner.

549
00:30:32,580 --> 00:30:34,748
- No, I'm not hungry.
- What's the matter?

550
00:30:34,749 --> 00:30:38,085
- My ulcer's been killing me all day.
- I thought you didn't have an ulcer.

551
00:30:38,086 --> 00:30:40,629
No, I said they can't find an ulcer,
not that I don't have one.

552
00:30:40,630 --> 00:30:42,756
Those malpractice medical mental midgets.

553
00:30:42,757 --> 00:30:45,592
They drop that endoscope down my throat
and probe me like coal miners,

554
00:30:45,593 --> 00:30:48,095
and they always come up with nothing!

555
00:30:48,096 --> 00:30:50,055
Well, guess what happened today?

556
00:30:50,056 --> 00:30:55,644
I got to talking to this boy on the job,
and he asked me out on a date.

557
00:30:55,645 --> 00:30:56,937
Really?

558
00:30:57,313 --> 00:30:59,690
I could tell he liked me right off

559
00:30:59,691 --> 00:31:03,402
and we went and had coffee
and just had, you know, funny banter.

560
00:31:03,403 --> 00:31:05,362
You know what banter is, it's like flirty talk.

561
00:31:05,363 --> 00:31:07,656
Yeah, yeah, I'm familiar with banter.

562
00:31:07,657 --> 00:31:10,492
Yeah, so, anyway,
he asked if I had a boyfriend.

563
00:31:10,493 --> 00:31:15,205
I said, "Not really. "
He said, "I'll pick you up Friday at 8:00."

564
00:31:15,206 --> 00:31:16,770
What do you think?

565
00:31:17,125 --> 00:31:22,337
Great. I just hope he's not a Ted Bundy,
you know.

566
00:31:22,630 --> 00:31:23,964
A who?

567
00:31:24,465 --> 00:31:26,633
You have to keep an eye out
for serial killers.

568
00:31:26,634 --> 00:31:30,178
He's not a serial killer.
At least he didn't mention it.

569
00:31:30,179 --> 00:31:31,972
Yeah, well, you have to be careful.

570
00:31:31,973 --> 00:31:34,641
Sometimes they put you in the trunk
of a car and you can't breathe.

571
00:31:34,642 --> 00:31:36,602
I'm not... I'm serious.

572
00:31:36,603 --> 00:31:40,493
I told him your theory
about capital punishment.

573
00:31:40,607 --> 00:31:41,982
What did you say?

574
00:31:41,983 --> 00:31:46,111
That it should include people
that don't pick up after their dogs,

575
00:31:46,112 --> 00:31:50,782
people who ride their bikes on the sidewalk,
people who call mothers "moms" and...

576
00:31:50,783 --> 00:31:54,483
I can't remember them all, you have so many.

577
00:31:59,584 --> 00:32:02,010
- How do I look?
- Subnormal.

578
00:32:02,378 --> 00:32:04,212
Why? What's wrong?

579
00:32:04,297 --> 00:32:06,006
That's an awfully aggressive ensemble.

580
00:32:06,007 --> 00:32:08,675
You looking to wind up
in an abortion clinic?

581
00:32:08,676 --> 00:32:10,177
I want to look nice.

582
00:32:10,178 --> 00:32:14,640
Just kind of give him an idea of what
he might be in for if he plays his cards right.

583
00:32:14,641 --> 00:32:17,009
Oh, yeah? What's he in for?

584
00:32:17,310 --> 00:32:19,519
All the stuff with a woman that you reject,

585
00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:22,105
because you're a genius
and you're above it all.

586
00:32:22,106 --> 00:32:24,149
But I happen to be pretty sharp, too,

587
00:32:24,150 --> 00:32:27,194
and I have a natural talent
in the field of fooling around.

588
00:32:27,195 --> 00:32:29,488
Yeah, well, I just hope
you're saving your money

589
00:32:29,489 --> 00:32:32,658
so you can move out quickly, you know,
now that you're working.

590
00:32:32,659 --> 00:32:35,118
- Hi, Perry!
- Hey. Sorry I'm late. I got stuck on the train.

591
00:32:35,119 --> 00:32:37,421
No, it's fine. Come on in.

592
00:32:38,623 --> 00:32:39,706
This is Perry.

593
00:32:39,707 --> 00:32:43,597
Hi. Your daughter is very lovely,
Mr. Celestine.

594
00:32:44,087 --> 00:32:45,787
I'm not her father.

595
00:32:46,839 --> 00:32:47,965
Grandfather?

596
00:32:48,049 --> 00:32:51,510
Perry, I told you I was staying with a friend.

597
00:32:51,511 --> 00:32:53,345
So what do you do, Perry?

598
00:32:53,346 --> 00:32:57,224
He's studying.
Investments and investing things.

599
00:32:58,434 --> 00:32:59,810
You got any

600
00:33:01,521 --> 00:33:02,854
identification?

601
00:33:03,982 --> 00:33:08,443
- Pardon me?
- You know, driver's license, birth certificate.

602
00:33:08,444 --> 00:33:13,670
No, sir. I never carry around
my birth certificate. Why would I?

603
00:33:13,866 --> 00:33:17,244
Be careful,
Bundy sometimes posed as a banker.

604
00:33:17,245 --> 00:33:22,211
I'm just gonna go finish getting ready.
I'll be right back.

605
00:33:26,421 --> 00:33:30,051
Melody tells me you're a very brilliant man.

606
00:33:30,133 --> 00:33:32,217
If an IQ of 200 is brilliant.

607
00:33:32,218 --> 00:33:37,014
She explained to me your theory
about life being meaningless.

608
00:33:37,015 --> 00:33:39,349
Don't let it spoil your evening.

609
00:33:39,350 --> 00:33:42,044
- Okay, let's go, Perry.
- Okay.

610
00:33:42,311 --> 00:33:43,854
Hey! Come here.

611
00:33:44,147 --> 00:33:46,982
- Don't give him any information about me.
- Like what?

612
00:33:46,983 --> 00:33:50,444
You know, dates, credit card numbers,
blood type, things like that.

613
00:33:50,445 --> 00:33:52,070
Goodbye, Boris.

614
00:33:52,155 --> 00:33:55,449
Oh, and hey, if I'm not here
when you get back, don't worry.

615
00:33:55,450 --> 00:33:57,480
Oh? Where are you going?

616
00:33:57,827 --> 00:33:59,786
- Out.
- Okay, fine.

617
00:34:00,079 --> 00:34:03,503
- Yeah, I have friends, too.
- Okay. Yeah.

618
00:34:09,130 --> 00:34:10,839
I even heard the opening's
supposed to be good.

619
00:34:10,840 --> 00:34:13,383
Yeah, they are. Have you seen them before?

620
00:34:13,384 --> 00:34:16,845
No, no. This is my first concert in New York.

621
00:34:16,846 --> 00:34:18,946
You didn't tell me that.

622
00:34:20,349 --> 00:34:24,478
Get the hell out of here. In America,
they have summer camps for everything.

623
00:34:24,479 --> 00:34:27,022
Rich kids, basketball camp, magic camp.

624
00:34:27,023 --> 00:34:30,942
- Tennis camp.
- Tennis camp. Movie director camp!

625
00:34:30,943 --> 00:34:33,361
They should have a concentration camp.

626
00:34:33,362 --> 00:34:36,031
Two weeks mandatory
for all kids growing up,

627
00:34:36,032 --> 00:34:40,160
so they would finally understand
what the human race is capable of.

628
00:34:40,161 --> 00:34:43,330
Brilliant! Except who'd send their kid
to a concentration camp?

629
00:34:43,331 --> 00:34:47,417
A responsible parent
who wants their child to grasp reality.

630
00:34:47,418 --> 00:34:51,797
All right, all right, all right, let's change
the subject. Meanwhile, Harry Lawson died.

631
00:34:51,798 --> 00:34:52,923
- Harry Lawson?
- Yeah, I heard.

632
00:34:52,924 --> 00:34:55,509
- Yeah. Just celebrated his 51st birthday.
- Really?

633
00:34:55,510 --> 00:34:58,887
- What a great chemist.
- But he was a smoker.

634
00:34:58,888 --> 00:35:03,016
A smoker. The minute a person dies,
he's a smoker or overweight.

635
00:35:03,017 --> 00:35:06,394
Hey, I got news for you,
thin non-smokers die, too. Okay?

636
00:35:06,395 --> 00:35:08,396
Abstinence isn't going to save you.

637
00:35:08,397 --> 00:35:09,689
You're pleasant tonight.

638
00:35:09,690 --> 00:35:12,359
- What are you talking about?
- Where's Melody tonight?

639
00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:16,321
She's out listening to some
eardrum-busting bilge posing as music.

640
00:35:16,322 --> 00:35:18,031
I thought you were going to kick her out.

641
00:35:18,032 --> 00:35:22,924
Well, hopefully this guy tonight
will take her off my hands.

642
00:35:23,079 --> 00:35:26,445
You know, why not? I mean, she's pretty.

643
00:35:27,500 --> 00:35:29,126
Now she's pretty?

644
00:35:29,377 --> 00:35:32,921
What? I'm just saying she's not
atrocious-looking. That's all.

645
00:35:32,922 --> 00:35:35,590
I'd say a seven or eight.

646
00:35:40,888 --> 00:35:42,347
Anybody here?

647
00:36:51,250 --> 00:36:54,616
- Oh, you're up!
- Yeah, I just got in.

648
00:36:55,963 --> 00:36:57,729
And what did you do?

649
00:36:57,757 --> 00:37:01,176
I went dancing at a Latin club.
It was limbo night.

650
00:37:01,177 --> 00:37:02,594
Shut up!

651
00:37:02,970 --> 00:37:04,971
You were talking about people

652
00:37:04,972 --> 00:37:08,850
and politics and all that stuff
you guys like to hate.

653
00:37:08,851 --> 00:37:10,518
How was your date?

654
00:37:10,645 --> 00:37:14,147
- It was a big washout! Yeah.
- Really?

655
00:37:14,523 --> 00:37:17,859
This particular rock band wasn't any good?
I don't know how you can differentiate?

656
00:37:17,860 --> 00:37:20,362
No! No, the music was fine.

657
00:37:20,988 --> 00:37:25,080
- Just that guy and his friends! I just...
- What?

658
00:37:25,117 --> 00:37:29,454
Well, his taste! He just... He likes everything.

659
00:37:30,039 --> 00:37:33,792
Life, love, human beings!

660
00:37:35,461 --> 00:37:40,257
And the couple that we double-dated with,
they were just protons!

661
00:37:40,258 --> 00:37:43,260
- Protons?
- Do I mean protons?

662
00:37:44,053 --> 00:37:45,303
Cretins!

663
00:37:45,888 --> 00:37:51,601
Cretins, that's what I mean. Yeah, they didn't
know the first thing about string theory.

664
00:37:51,602 --> 00:37:54,168
I think you're a little drunk.

665
00:37:54,730 --> 00:37:56,830
I did have a few drinks.

666
00:37:57,149 --> 00:38:01,361
But can you blame me?
Hanging out with those inchworms?

667
00:38:01,362 --> 00:38:06,720
I mean, they actually think that
love is the answer to everything.

668
00:38:08,703 --> 00:38:12,247
I told them about Jethro Paige
from back home.

669
00:38:12,248 --> 00:38:17,043
He got caught doing it with a sheep.
Making love with a sheep.

670
00:38:17,044 --> 00:38:20,046
And they were all laughing and everything,

671
00:38:20,047 --> 00:38:23,174
but I just looked at them and said, "Folks,

672
00:38:23,175 --> 00:38:26,636
"as Boris would say, whatever works. "

673
00:38:30,558 --> 00:38:33,912
- What are you looking at?
- Unbelievable.

674
00:38:35,813 --> 00:38:40,066
The chance factor in life is mind-boggling.

675
00:38:42,153 --> 00:38:43,945
You entered the world

676
00:38:44,780 --> 00:38:46,406
by a random event

677
00:38:47,450 --> 00:38:49,938
somewhere along the Mississippi.

678
00:38:51,037 --> 00:38:54,080
I, having emerged through the conjoining

679
00:38:54,081 --> 00:38:57,542
of Sam and Yetta Yellnikoff in the Bronx,

680
00:38:58,544 --> 00:39:00,211
decades earlier.

681
00:39:01,464 --> 00:39:03,622
And through an astronomical

682
00:39:03,632 --> 00:39:06,259
concatenation of circumstances,

683
00:39:07,845 --> 00:39:09,429
our paths cross.

684
00:39:10,973 --> 00:39:12,390
Two runaways

685
00:39:13,559 --> 00:39:14,934
in the vast,

686
00:39:15,644 --> 00:39:16,811
black,

687
00:39:18,105 --> 00:39:19,856
unspeakably violent

688
00:39:21,484 --> 00:39:23,485
and indifferent universe.

689
00:39:36,248 --> 00:39:40,274
Can you believe I married her?
What possessed me?

690
00:39:40,795 --> 00:39:45,340
This search in life for something
to give the illusion of meaning.

691
00:39:45,341 --> 00:39:47,092
To quell the panic.

692
00:39:47,802 --> 00:39:50,504
All right, so it's been a year.

693
00:39:50,846 --> 00:39:53,848
Three hundred and sixty-five days
of married life.

694
00:39:53,849 --> 00:39:58,613
And you know what?
Not the worst year of my life, either.

695
00:39:58,896 --> 00:40:00,397
What are these?

696
00:40:00,481 --> 00:40:02,837
- They're grits.
- Seriously?

697
00:40:08,823 --> 00:40:11,047
They're actually disgusting.

698
00:40:11,117 --> 00:40:13,543
She's cheerful, not demanding.

699
00:40:13,994 --> 00:40:19,332
Okay, not as brilliant as Jessica,
but not as ambitious and predatory, either.

700
00:40:19,333 --> 00:40:23,336
Jessica's problem was she made up in ego
what she lacked in superego.

701
00:40:23,337 --> 00:40:24,921
But not Melody.

702
00:40:25,005 --> 00:40:28,133
She likes being a nanny.
She's happy with other people's kids,

703
00:40:28,134 --> 00:40:31,845
so mercifully she doesn't bother me
about having our own.

704
00:40:31,846 --> 00:40:33,805
Once a week we see a movie.

705
00:40:33,806 --> 00:40:36,474
Maybe she doesn't understand everything
I take her to,

706
00:40:36,475 --> 00:40:38,560
but she tries and she's a good sport.

707
00:40:38,561 --> 00:40:41,521
She sits up nights with me
when I have my panic attacks.

708
00:40:41,522 --> 00:40:43,356
She keeps me company
at the emergency room

709
00:40:43,357 --> 00:40:47,360
when I'm convinced
my mosquito bite is a melanoma.

710
00:40:47,361 --> 00:40:51,573
Yes, my life is circumscribed,
but I manage to avoid stress.

711
00:40:51,574 --> 00:40:53,533
I've achieved a delicate balance.

712
00:40:53,534 --> 00:40:59,234
And as long as I can maintain it,
I feel less inclined to ending it.

713
00:41:21,562 --> 00:41:23,188
Oh, no, no, no.

714
00:41:23,355 --> 00:41:26,733
- Unacceptable. Come on, this is not good.
- What?

715
00:41:26,734 --> 00:41:28,234
I like music I can dance to.

716
00:41:28,235 --> 00:41:32,197
I know, I know, but this is brutal.
Here, you know what I want you to do?

717
00:41:32,198 --> 00:41:36,034
Put this on. Okay?
And then when I come out, we'll discuss it.

718
00:41:36,035 --> 00:41:37,911
All right, I'll try.

719
00:41:39,914 --> 00:41:41,878
It's Beethoven's Fifth!

720
00:41:42,041 --> 00:41:45,710
Think of the music
as fate knocking on the door.

721
00:41:45,711 --> 00:41:49,737
Maybe a little story
will help you appreciate it.

722
00:41:50,716 --> 00:41:53,092
Fate knocking on the door.

723
00:42:32,758 --> 00:42:34,384
- Mother?
- Melody!

724
00:42:34,802 --> 00:42:36,386
Oh, it's you!

725
00:42:36,470 --> 00:42:39,138
- Oh, my God.
- It's my baby!

726
00:42:40,474 --> 00:42:42,934
I finally found you, praise Jesus!

727
00:42:42,935 --> 00:42:44,701
How did you find me?

728
00:42:44,770 --> 00:42:47,146
Oh, my prayers were finally answered!

729
00:42:47,147 --> 00:42:50,608
I can't...
You're just the last person I expected to see.

730
00:42:50,609 --> 00:42:54,153
Well, when you least expect it,
fate has a way of knocking on your door.

731
00:42:54,154 --> 00:42:57,520
Yeah, it does. Okay. Oh, you have a bag.

732
00:43:00,995 --> 00:43:03,121
What are you doing here?

733
00:43:03,497 --> 00:43:07,292
- Well, I was trying to find you, honey.
- Why?

734
00:43:07,293 --> 00:43:10,169
- I came to find you, honey!
- You did?

735
00:43:10,170 --> 00:43:12,530
Oh, we searched and searched.

736
00:43:12,923 --> 00:43:15,717
The police looked for clues.
Everything led to a dead end.

737
00:43:15,718 --> 00:43:19,345
How we worried.
I developed crow's feet from the worrying.

738
00:43:19,346 --> 00:43:21,306
Now look here. I had a little work done.

739
00:43:21,307 --> 00:43:24,642
Mother, I left you a letter.
I told you I'd be all right.

740
00:43:24,643 --> 00:43:28,354
Melody Saint Anne,
I'd hardly call this all right!

741
00:43:28,355 --> 00:43:30,398
Well, what's wrong with it?

742
00:43:30,399 --> 00:43:33,901
What's wrong?
What's happened to your senses?

743
00:43:33,902 --> 00:43:37,322
Everything's wrong.
You're living like a sharecropper.

744
00:43:37,323 --> 00:43:40,199
But it's clean as a whistle.
I clean it myself every day.

745
00:43:40,200 --> 00:43:42,785
You clean? You don't have a woman?

746
00:43:42,786 --> 00:43:45,330
Boris can't really afford help.

747
00:43:45,331 --> 00:43:46,873
- Who?
- Boris.

748
00:43:48,375 --> 00:43:51,044
- Who's Boris?
- My husband.

749
00:43:51,670 --> 00:43:55,296
- What?
- That's right, Mama, I got married.

750
00:43:55,716 --> 00:44:01,095
- And he's taken you to live here?
- No, no, I moved in with him.

751
00:44:01,096 --> 00:44:03,130
I have to have a drink.

752
00:44:04,850 --> 00:44:07,769
I need to sit. I need an anesthetic.

753
00:44:07,770 --> 00:44:11,397
Okay, okay, have a seat.
We don't have any bourbon or nothing.

754
00:44:11,398 --> 00:44:16,958
Just bring me the drink with the
highest volume of alcohol you have.

755
00:44:17,363 --> 00:44:20,263
You know, Mama, I'm kind of happy.

756
00:44:20,407 --> 00:44:22,075
Kind of happy?

757
00:44:22,534 --> 00:44:24,744
You leave a loving home in Eden,

758
00:44:24,745 --> 00:44:28,581
run off with some crazy kid,
I'm guessing he's a rock musician

759
00:44:28,582 --> 00:44:31,959
who can't earn a respectable living,
and you wind up

760
00:44:31,960 --> 00:44:35,421
in this decadent city, living in a rattrap.

761
00:44:35,422 --> 00:44:37,882
This is exactly why I ran away.

762
00:44:37,883 --> 00:44:41,135
Why, why, Miss Sweet Pea?
Why did you forsake your loving home?

763
00:44:41,136 --> 00:44:43,096
Because, Mama, you're...

764
00:44:44,056 --> 00:44:47,392
You're overbearing. That's it.
You're overbearing

765
00:44:47,393 --> 00:44:50,425
and you fail to see the big picture.

766
00:44:51,021 --> 00:44:54,181
What big picture are you talking about?

767
00:44:54,566 --> 00:44:55,983
I don't know.

768
00:44:56,068 --> 00:45:00,196
All I know is that nothing moves faster
than the speed of light,

769
00:45:00,197 --> 00:45:02,363
so you may as well relax.

770
00:45:03,242 --> 00:45:06,160
I'm just gonna have
a little moment of prayer.

771
00:45:06,161 --> 00:45:10,707
Mama, you're still caught up
in that Christian superstition?

772
00:45:10,708 --> 00:45:12,417
Happy birthday to you

773
00:45:12,418 --> 00:45:13,876
What's that?

774
00:45:13,961 --> 00:45:15,420
That's Boris.

775
00:45:15,838 --> 00:45:17,402
It's his birthday?

776
00:45:17,423 --> 00:45:19,132
No, he's just washing his hands.

777
00:45:19,133 --> 00:45:23,023
Happy birthday, dear Boris
Happy birthday to you

778
00:45:29,768 --> 00:45:30,935
Who's this?

779
00:45:31,603 --> 00:45:33,896
Boris, this is my mother.

780
00:45:34,857 --> 00:45:37,024
Mother, my husband.

781
00:45:40,779 --> 00:45:42,739
Mama! Mama!

782
00:45:42,823 --> 00:45:45,158
Walk her around,
she's obviously a boozehound.

783
00:45:45,159 --> 00:45:46,784
Mama, are you all right?

784
00:45:46,785 --> 00:45:48,453
- Did he drug you?
- What?

785
00:45:48,454 --> 00:45:50,872
- Are you on sodium pentothal?
- No.

786
00:45:50,873 --> 00:45:54,000
That's what they do, the secular humanists.

787
00:45:54,001 --> 00:45:57,378
It's uncanny. She's exactly
the kind of moron you described.

788
00:45:57,379 --> 00:46:00,047
You are not the gentleman I was expecting.

789
00:46:00,048 --> 00:46:01,674
I'm sure not. I'm sure you'd be happy

790
00:46:01,675 --> 00:46:05,136
if she married the guy who caught
the biggest catfish in Plaquemines County.

791
00:46:05,137 --> 00:46:07,472
I'd be happier if she married the catfish.

792
00:46:07,473 --> 00:46:10,516
No, you see, Mama, Boris is a genius. Okay?

793
00:46:10,517 --> 00:46:12,810
He doesn't have a lot of patience
for us inchworms.

794
00:46:12,811 --> 00:46:14,395
- We, we inchworms.
- We.

795
00:46:14,396 --> 00:46:15,438
Some genius.

796
00:46:15,522 --> 00:46:18,024
I was almost nominated for a Nobel Prize.

797
00:46:18,025 --> 00:46:21,360
That's right, Boris.
And what was it for again? Best Picture?

798
00:46:21,361 --> 00:46:22,653
I need more booze.

799
00:46:22,654 --> 00:46:24,405
You know, you never said
how you found me.

800
00:46:24,406 --> 00:46:28,785
Oh, Melody. I have a sad tale to tell you.

801
00:46:28,869 --> 00:46:30,620
What happened, Mama?

802
00:46:31,997 --> 00:46:33,748
Your father left me.

803
00:46:35,167 --> 00:46:37,293
- Aren't you shocked?
- No.

804
00:46:37,294 --> 00:46:39,658
And with who, of all people?

805
00:46:39,671 --> 00:46:41,214
- My best friend, Mandy.
- Your best friend, Mandy.

806
00:46:41,215 --> 00:46:43,132
- How did you know?
- Oh, Mama.

807
00:46:43,133 --> 00:46:46,928
It was as plain as the nose on your face.
Cliché, sorry.

808
00:46:46,929 --> 00:46:48,805
At first I thought he was acting peculiar,

809
00:46:48,806 --> 00:46:52,183
because things was going
so bad for us, darling.

810
00:46:52,184 --> 00:46:53,559
How often did you have intercourse?

811
00:46:53,560 --> 00:46:57,186
Are you going to close
that insulting mouth?

812
00:46:57,231 --> 00:47:01,317
By bad, I mean he lost a lot of money
in the stock market after you left

813
00:47:01,318 --> 00:47:02,902
and we were forced to sell the house.

814
00:47:02,903 --> 00:47:05,238
- You sold the house?
- I'm sorry, yes. We took a beating,

815
00:47:05,239 --> 00:47:06,864
because we were so desperate.

816
00:47:06,865 --> 00:47:09,575
And then he lost his job,
the company went out of business.

817
00:47:09,576 --> 00:47:12,036
And then we spent all our savings
on medical bills,

818
00:47:12,037 --> 00:47:14,664
'cause I came down
with a case of the shingles!

819
00:47:14,665 --> 00:47:17,583
- Oh, my God.
- Christ, this is like Job. No locusts?

820
00:47:17,584 --> 00:47:22,380
Darling, I turned to Jesus in a deeper way
than I had ever done in my life.

821
00:47:22,381 --> 00:47:26,425
I prayed and I prayed,
every day and every night,

822
00:47:26,426 --> 00:47:28,324
asking God to help me.

823
00:47:28,554 --> 00:47:31,055
Let me guess what happened,
your shingles got worse.

824
00:47:31,056 --> 00:47:36,060
I said, "Lord, just give me one sign
that all my suffering is for a purpose. "

825
00:47:36,061 --> 00:47:38,813
I said, "Please, God, just say something. "

826
00:47:38,814 --> 00:47:41,649
"Break your silence.
I can't take any more misery!"

827
00:47:41,650 --> 00:47:47,478
Nothing, right? And all that money you put
in the tin box every Sunday.

828
00:48:03,213 --> 00:48:05,590
Abortion is murder,
that's the long and short of it.

829
00:48:05,591 --> 00:48:07,258
- That's how I feel. Well...
- Even if the woman is raped?

830
00:48:07,259 --> 00:48:08,426
Why are you wasting your breath,
Brockman?

831
00:48:08,427 --> 00:48:09,802
You're dealing with an aborigine.

832
00:48:09,803 --> 00:48:11,888
You don't mind killing the unborn,

833
00:48:11,889 --> 00:48:14,140
but when some fiend
has raped and murdered,

834
00:48:14,141 --> 00:48:16,142
you're against giving him
that big old injection?

835
00:48:16,143 --> 00:48:19,854
Well, not me, Mr. Genius, and I don't care
how many Academy Awards you've won.

836
00:48:19,855 --> 00:48:23,941
I've never won an Academy Award
and I've never played for the Yankees!

837
00:48:23,942 --> 00:48:28,195
- Where's the little girl's? Thank you.
- It's back there.

838
00:48:28,196 --> 00:48:32,952
Don't forget to sing
The Star-Spangled Banner before you sit.

839
00:48:44,796 --> 00:48:46,505
Excuse me. Excuse me.

840
00:48:46,506 --> 00:48:50,843
I realize this is forward, but who's
that beautiful young girl you're with?

841
00:48:50,844 --> 00:48:53,137
May I ask why you want to know?

842
00:48:53,138 --> 00:48:59,098
Well, because she's very beautiful.
And I'm assuming she's your daughter?

843
00:49:01,647 --> 00:49:04,023
What did you say your name was, darling?

844
00:49:04,024 --> 00:49:07,109
- Randy. Randy Lee James.
- Randy Lee James.

845
00:49:07,110 --> 00:49:08,194
Nice to meet you.

846
00:49:08,195 --> 00:49:09,904
It's too good.
I think they're putting mayonnaise in here.

847
00:49:09,905 --> 00:49:12,823
- No, they can't put mayonnaise in hummus.
- Hello.

848
00:49:12,824 --> 00:49:14,033
Oh, thank you.

849
00:49:14,034 --> 00:49:17,244
- Who were you talking to?
- I wasn't talking to anybody. Nobody.

850
00:49:17,245 --> 00:49:19,747
Listen, listen, I want to go someplace fun.

851
00:49:19,748 --> 00:49:22,249
Take me someplace fun!
It's New York! Let's go.

852
00:49:22,250 --> 00:49:24,210
Boris, where can I take her that's fun?

853
00:49:24,211 --> 00:49:25,378
How about the Holocaust Museum?

854
00:49:25,379 --> 00:49:26,837
- Oh, for God's sake, Boris.
- No.

855
00:49:26,838 --> 00:49:29,048
- Oh, the wax! The wax figures.
- Oh, yes.

856
00:49:29,049 --> 00:49:31,842
- Yes, yes, let's go. Come on.
- Let's do that.

857
00:49:31,843 --> 00:49:33,970
- It was so nice to meet you, Leo.
- You, too. Have a nice day.

858
00:49:33,971 --> 00:49:36,555
- Bye. Bye, bye.
- Bye.

859
00:49:36,890 --> 00:49:38,432
Have fun!

860
00:49:38,517 --> 00:49:42,228
You know, I have to say,
even with a textbook right-wing mentality,

861
00:49:42,229 --> 00:49:45,106
your mother-in-law has
beautifully shaped breasts.

862
00:49:45,107 --> 00:49:47,692
You know, you're a man of learning,

863
00:49:47,693 --> 00:49:50,820
of cultivation of aesthetic sensibility.

864
00:49:50,904 --> 00:49:53,531
This is what you take away
from the school-prayer hokum

865
00:49:53,532 --> 00:49:55,866
and "my country right or wrong"?
Her bosom?

866
00:49:55,867 --> 00:50:01,225
It's not just her bosom.
Her behind is also beautifully contoured.

867
00:50:01,581 --> 00:50:03,666
Well, I'm sure you'll have no problem
getting her into bed.

868
00:50:03,667 --> 00:50:06,544
She's vulnerable,
she's stupid and she's been abandoned.

869
00:50:06,545 --> 00:50:08,254
Personally, I lose all erotic inclination

870
00:50:08,255 --> 00:50:10,881
when the woman's a member
of the National Rifle Association.

871
00:50:10,882 --> 00:50:12,550
It's pear-shaped.

872
00:50:12,801 --> 00:50:17,054
Degas used to distinguish between
an apple-shaped behind and pear-shaped.

873
00:50:17,055 --> 00:50:19,357
And I'm a big fruit eater.

874
00:50:19,433 --> 00:50:21,793
- Melody.
- That's so weird.

875
00:50:22,894 --> 00:50:25,062
Oh, my God. Oh, hello.

876
00:50:25,272 --> 00:50:28,065
- They're made out of real wax, too.
- Oh, it's Billy. Billy...

877
00:50:28,066 --> 00:50:29,567
Billy Graham!

878
00:50:30,068 --> 00:50:34,655
Oh, sweet pea, sweet pea, this is the kind
of man you should be married to,

879
00:50:34,656 --> 00:50:36,449
not that Communist
who sings Happy Birthday

880
00:50:36,450 --> 00:50:38,784
every time he washes his hands.

881
00:50:38,785 --> 00:50:40,745
How long are you staying, Mom?

882
00:50:40,746 --> 00:50:43,330
Honey, I don't know where else to go.

883
00:50:43,331 --> 00:50:47,418
I have nothing to hold onto. Nothing!
I have to have something.

884
00:50:47,419 --> 00:50:51,589
I mean, I'm never going to attract a man
again, but you can. Yes.

885
00:50:51,590 --> 00:50:53,132
I don't want to get in an argument.

886
00:50:53,133 --> 00:50:56,260
Honey, I met a young man today
who is perfect for you.

887
00:50:56,261 --> 00:50:57,803
- Mom!
- Yes. Listen to me.

888
00:50:57,804 --> 00:51:00,097
He is talented, handsome, sweet,

889
00:51:00,098 --> 00:51:03,642
and he has the proper reverence for life
and its higher purpose.

890
00:51:03,643 --> 00:51:05,102
What are you talking about?

891
00:51:05,103 --> 00:51:07,438
Face it, Melody,
Boris is not like a real husband.

892
00:51:07,439 --> 00:51:10,483
He's more of an outpatient
and you're his keeper.

893
00:51:10,484 --> 00:51:12,818
I really wish you hadn't showed up, Mom.

894
00:51:12,819 --> 00:51:16,864
- His name is Randy Lee James.
- Who?

895
00:51:16,948 --> 00:51:19,909
This delightful young actor.
He fell in love with you at first sight.

896
00:51:19,910 --> 00:51:22,161
- He did. He did.
- Mom, I'm married!

897
00:51:22,162 --> 00:51:25,790
I refuse to recognize it.
What are you doing with a gimpy chess bum

898
00:51:25,791 --> 00:51:29,752
who has to sleep with the light on?
How'd he get that limp?

899
00:51:29,753 --> 00:51:32,171
He jumped out the window
and his suicide didn't work.

900
00:51:32,172 --> 00:51:34,840
Well, you can't win them all. Now, listen,

901
00:51:34,841 --> 00:51:37,510
I have a good lawyer
who can get all of this annulled.

902
00:51:37,511 --> 00:51:40,638
- All of it. Yes. Yes.
- No, no, Mom, no, you're crazy!

903
00:51:40,639 --> 00:51:41,972
Oh, hello.

904
00:51:42,641 --> 00:51:47,478
Happy birthday, dear Boris
Happy birthday to you

905
00:51:48,146 --> 00:51:52,399
Happy birthday to you

906
00:51:52,484 --> 00:51:55,319
Happy birthday, dear Boris

907
00:51:55,904 --> 00:51:59,573
Happy birthday to you

908
00:52:02,494 --> 00:52:06,497
- Who could be calling at midnight?
- Could be burglars, casing the place.

909
00:52:06,498 --> 00:52:10,459
- To steal what? Your Flomax?
- Hello?

910
00:52:11,711 --> 00:52:12,962
Oh, hi.

911
00:52:13,880 --> 00:52:15,576
Yeah, just a second.

912
00:52:16,049 --> 00:52:17,947
- It's for me?
- Yes.

913
00:52:18,510 --> 00:52:20,845
Don't give away any information about me!

914
00:52:20,846 --> 00:52:22,555
Hello? Oh, hello, Leo.

915
00:52:22,556 --> 00:52:24,849
- It's Leo Brockman.
- Brockman?

916
00:52:24,850 --> 00:52:26,058
Really?

917
00:52:27,352 --> 00:52:29,576
Well, that sounds wonderful.

918
00:52:31,356 --> 00:52:35,025
Well, yeah, Sunday's fine. Yeah.

919
00:52:35,527 --> 00:52:38,362
3:00? Well, 3:00's perfect.

920
00:52:39,531 --> 00:52:42,199
Okay. Yeah. See you, darling.

921
00:52:42,534 --> 00:52:47,454
"See you, darling"? "See you, darling"?
Oh, God, poor Brockman!

922
00:52:47,455 --> 00:52:49,019
Good night, y'all.

923
00:52:49,040 --> 00:52:54,138
I'm going to say my prayers.
I'm praying Brockman has herpes.

924
00:52:54,296 --> 00:52:58,757
That was so wonderful! I never in my life
saw a movie in Japanese before.

925
00:52:58,758 --> 00:53:00,426
- Did you like it?
- Oh, yes!

926
00:53:00,427 --> 00:53:03,137
I've never seen a movie made by a foreigner.

927
00:53:03,138 --> 00:53:08,267
John, my husband, took me to see
stupid movies, which was all there was.

928
00:53:08,268 --> 00:53:10,436
How do you say this? "Château" what?

929
00:53:10,437 --> 00:53:11,645
Meyney.

930
00:53:11,730 --> 00:53:13,230
- The what?
- Meyney.

931
00:53:13,231 --> 00:53:14,899
- Meyney?
- Yeah.

932
00:53:15,901 --> 00:53:19,733
- It is so delicious.
- I'm glad you like it.

933
00:53:21,239 --> 00:53:23,824
What do you do? What do you do, Leo?

934
00:53:23,825 --> 00:53:27,369
I teach philosophy at the university
around the corner.

935
00:53:27,370 --> 00:53:30,930
Tell me something. Is Boris really a genius?

936
00:53:31,124 --> 00:53:33,959
There was a time
when he was a very fine physicist.

937
00:53:33,960 --> 00:53:38,130
Yeah, your daughter's very good for Boris.
It's my theory that she keeps him going.

938
00:53:38,131 --> 00:53:41,759
Would you like to see
some pretty pictures of Melody?

939
00:53:41,760 --> 00:53:43,052
Goodness.

940
00:53:45,096 --> 00:53:47,514
- Well, all right.
- Okay.

941
00:53:48,475 --> 00:53:51,371
Look, here they are. Look at these.

942
00:53:52,145 --> 00:53:55,147
Right there,
that's where she is Miss Natchez.

943
00:53:55,148 --> 00:53:59,026
- Wow.
- Look at her. And she was Miss Tupelo.

944
00:53:59,110 --> 00:54:03,239
Oh, God! Look how gorgeous she is!
She's so beautiful. I love her! I love her!

945
00:54:03,240 --> 00:54:05,032
- Very lovely.
- I was so proud of her.

946
00:54:05,033 --> 00:54:06,659
These pictures are kind of interesting.

947
00:54:06,660 --> 00:54:08,369
I know! She's just gorgeous!

948
00:54:08,370 --> 00:54:10,788
And she has this...
She's just my little sweet pea.

949
00:54:10,789 --> 00:54:13,887
I mean the photos. Did you take them?

950
00:54:14,084 --> 00:54:16,502
- Yes. Yes.
- And this?

951
00:54:17,837 --> 00:54:22,049
That's our house. Well, it was.
Is there more wine?

952
00:54:22,050 --> 00:54:23,842
Yeah. You took all these?

953
00:54:23,843 --> 00:54:26,339
Yes, with my little old Kodak.

954
00:54:27,639 --> 00:54:31,684
These are outstanding. I mean, there's such
a sense of texture and composition.

955
00:54:31,685 --> 00:54:33,477
In these? No.

956
00:54:33,561 --> 00:54:35,437
No, I mean it. I know what I'm talking about.

957
00:54:35,438 --> 00:54:38,649
I occasionally write about
the aesthetics of photography.

958
00:54:38,650 --> 00:54:41,026
Oh, my God. I have to tell you something.

959
00:54:41,027 --> 00:54:44,530
Aside from Melody's career, there is
nothing, nothing in the whole world

960
00:54:44,531 --> 00:54:47,241
that gave me more pleasure
than taking those snapshots.

961
00:54:47,242 --> 00:54:51,578
Of course, John... Cheers.
John hated them and didn't want me to do it.

962
00:54:51,579 --> 00:54:53,372
- Why?
- Well,

963
00:54:54,040 --> 00:54:56,709
he actually was fine,
and then I set up this darkroom

964
00:54:56,710 --> 00:55:00,713
and he thought I was, like,
squandering all this time on silliness

965
00:55:00,714 --> 00:55:02,423
and I guess he had a point, but...

966
00:55:02,424 --> 00:55:04,758
I mean, nowadays,
who uses a Kodak anymore?

967
00:55:04,759 --> 00:55:08,762
It's a little Kodak,
and I have to tell you something, it is...

968
00:55:08,763 --> 00:55:11,140
It is so simple to use. It's tiny!

969
00:55:11,141 --> 00:55:12,975
I picked it up at, like, a garage sale

970
00:55:12,976 --> 00:55:16,729
and it just is so much better
than those big foreign ones.

971
00:55:16,730 --> 00:55:21,275
No, they're pretty good. They've got a real
haunting quality. They're very primitive.

972
00:55:21,276 --> 00:55:24,403
I really think you should
talk to my friend Al Morgenstern.

973
00:55:24,404 --> 00:55:25,904
He runs a photography gallery.

974
00:55:25,905 --> 00:55:28,933
- Why?
- Have you got more of these?

975
00:55:29,451 --> 00:55:32,828
Oh, Lord, yes.
You know, all my travels with the pageants.

976
00:55:32,829 --> 00:55:37,708
I have the kids and the towns
and the winners. And the losers!

977
00:55:37,709 --> 00:55:40,961
The losers are the best.
And then I have all these show folk,

978
00:55:40,962 --> 00:55:44,465
the twirlers, the magicians, the fire eaters,
you know, things like that.

979
00:55:44,466 --> 00:55:46,925
They're amazing.
They've got such an original quality.

980
00:55:46,926 --> 00:55:48,719
I'll talk to Al first thing in the morning.

981
00:55:48,720 --> 00:55:51,638
Oh, no.
You know, I think you're making too much

982
00:55:51,639 --> 00:55:54,266
over a little gift
the good Lord Jesus gave me.

983
00:55:54,267 --> 00:55:57,435
That's not the only gift He gave you.

984
00:56:00,106 --> 00:56:05,277
You know those clean-cut, churchgoing
young men, who are model kids,

985
00:56:05,278 --> 00:56:08,781
and good to their neighbors
and quote the Bible,

986
00:56:08,782 --> 00:56:12,451
and never do a wrong thing,
and then one day,

987
00:56:12,452 --> 00:56:14,078
for whatever reason,

988
00:56:14,120 --> 00:56:18,624
they grab a rifle, go to a tower
and pick off everyone in town?

989
00:56:18,625 --> 00:56:21,253
Okay, this is her, but sexually.

990
00:56:21,961 --> 00:56:23,253
She slept with Leo Brockman,

991
00:56:23,254 --> 00:56:26,632
never having been to bed with anyone
before but her husband,

992
00:56:26,633 --> 00:56:29,760
and suddenly,
the genie was out of the bottle!

993
00:56:29,761 --> 00:56:33,680
She liked sleeping with Brockman, and
she liked sleeping with Brockman's friends,

994
00:56:33,681 --> 00:56:38,143
Brockman's acquaintances,
Brockman's acquaintances' acquaintances.

995
00:56:38,144 --> 00:56:41,647
Brockman took her photos to Morgenstern.
He loved them.

996
00:56:41,648 --> 00:56:43,857
He decided to show them in his gallery.

997
00:56:43,858 --> 00:56:47,486
When he did, everyone thought
they were great. A brilliant primitive.

998
00:56:47,487 --> 00:56:50,656
Soon Morgenstern would
become smitten with her.

999
00:56:50,657 --> 00:56:54,660
First she moved in with Brockman.
Then she moved in with Morgenstern.

1000
00:56:54,661 --> 00:56:57,496
Then she moved in
with Brockman and Morgenstern.

1001
00:56:57,497 --> 00:56:59,915
She started dabbling with collages.

1002
00:56:59,916 --> 00:57:04,008
Small ones at first,
but they would become bolder.

1003
00:57:04,295 --> 00:57:06,130
She started dressing differently.

1004
00:57:06,131 --> 00:57:11,135
Soon all her deep-rooted beliefs went
right down the toilet, where they belonged.

1005
00:57:11,136 --> 00:57:16,222
She experimented with exotic pleasures.
A new Marietta was born.

1006
00:57:16,850 --> 00:57:21,061
The one thing that remained constant,
she hated her son-in-law.

1007
00:57:21,062 --> 00:57:26,316
- Well, there's some pictures over there.
- Yes, maybe that. Okay.

1008
00:57:26,317 --> 00:57:29,528
- What do you think, Mom?
- I'm not sure, you know, it's for this collage,

1009
00:57:29,529 --> 00:57:34,829
and I've had this vision in black and white
of nude men, women,

1010
00:57:35,034 --> 00:57:36,869
body parts, squares.

1011
00:57:37,704 --> 00:57:39,246
That sounds confusing.

1012
00:57:39,247 --> 00:57:43,343
- Well, it's an homage to lust. Yeah.
- To lust.

1013
00:57:53,261 --> 00:57:54,595
Excuse me.

1014
00:57:55,054 --> 00:57:57,055
Hi, I need a female opinion.

1015
00:57:57,056 --> 00:58:02,220
Which of these two would a young woman
prefer? I can't decide.

1016
00:58:02,437 --> 00:58:05,230
I don't know. They're both so beautiful.

1017
00:58:05,231 --> 00:58:07,816
It depends. What type is she?

1018
00:58:08,568 --> 00:58:11,737
Well, she's quite young
and very lovely-looking.

1019
00:58:11,738 --> 00:58:13,864
Blond hair. Blue eyes.

1020
00:58:14,407 --> 00:58:16,241
Yeah, but what's she like?

1021
00:58:16,242 --> 00:58:21,079
Well, okay. She's from the South,
although she lives here in New York now.

1022
00:58:21,080 --> 00:58:22,581
- Really?
- Yeah.

1023
00:58:23,583 --> 00:58:25,417
And she's a nanny.
I mean, well, to tell you the truth,

1024
00:58:25,418 --> 00:58:26,960
she's actually living with some man.

1025
00:58:26,961 --> 00:58:30,589
I mean, they're married,
although he's not the best she can do.

1026
00:58:30,590 --> 00:58:32,466
And she thinks she loves him,
but it's only because

1027
00:58:32,467 --> 00:58:35,302
she mistakes his pessimistic despair
for wisdom,

1028
00:58:35,303 --> 00:58:37,333
believing he's a genius.

1029
00:58:39,807 --> 00:58:47,185
I'd say she's more of a nurse to him than
a wife, because he's much older than she is.

1030
00:58:47,607 --> 00:58:49,567
That sounds so familiar.

1031
00:58:50,109 --> 00:58:53,445
I just can't... I can't put my finger on it.

1032
00:58:53,446 --> 00:58:57,282
- It's sort of like mine, actually. Yeah.
- It is?

1033
00:58:57,283 --> 00:59:02,162
I mean, not exactly, but I can't help
but seeing some similarities.

1034
00:59:02,163 --> 00:59:04,527
- I'd say that one.
- Okay.

1035
00:59:15,426 --> 00:59:16,593
Here.

1036
00:59:17,303 --> 00:59:20,806
- Here what? For me?
- It's for you.

1037
00:59:21,307 --> 00:59:24,643
Yes, I thought I'd buy you something lovely.

1038
00:59:24,644 --> 00:59:27,980
Oh, no, I can't accept a gift from a stranger.

1039
00:59:27,981 --> 00:59:30,190
- Well, why not?
- I'm married.

1040
00:59:30,191 --> 00:59:32,955
Yes, but it may not last forever.

1041
00:59:33,194 --> 00:59:36,488
Well, you know, nothing lasts forever.
Not even

1042
00:59:36,489 --> 00:59:40,242
Shakespeare or Michelangelo

1043
00:59:40,660 --> 00:59:42,160
or Greek people.

1044
00:59:42,996 --> 00:59:45,205
I mean, even as we're standing here
talking right now,

1045
00:59:45,206 --> 00:59:49,042
we're just flying apart
at an unimaginable speed.

1046
00:59:49,043 --> 00:59:52,871
- Gee, I never thought of it that way.
- Yeah.

1047
00:59:53,506 --> 00:59:57,672
Should we be holding each other
so we don't fall?

1048
00:59:57,885 --> 01:00:02,598
Well, you have to hold onto whatever
love you can in this cruel existence.

1049
01:00:02,599 --> 01:00:04,224
Speaking of love,

1050
01:00:04,517 --> 01:00:07,519
I've been in love with you ever since
that first moment I saw you,

1051
01:00:07,520 --> 01:00:12,214
and met your mother at the Mogador Café
many months ago.

1052
01:00:14,027 --> 01:00:15,944
Oh, you're... You're...

1053
01:00:15,945 --> 01:00:18,447
- Did my mother...
- Randy James.

1054
01:00:18,448 --> 01:00:22,743
Oh, the actor! Of course.
I can hear your accent now.

1055
01:00:22,744 --> 01:00:24,661
Oh, my mother talks
about you all the time,

1056
01:00:24,662 --> 01:00:26,371
and she's always telling me
I have to meet you

1057
01:00:26,372 --> 01:00:28,165
and I'm saying, "Why?
Why do I have to meet him?"

1058
01:00:28,166 --> 01:00:30,584
"But he's so good-looking!"
And, yeah, you are.

1059
01:00:30,585 --> 01:00:32,836
Thank you.
I've moved to New York permanently now

1060
01:00:32,837 --> 01:00:35,213
and I live in a houseboat
with a friend of mine.

1061
01:00:35,214 --> 01:00:38,050
- You live on a boat?
- Yes, I do.

1062
01:00:38,051 --> 01:00:40,802
I'm very romantic by nature,
so I live on a boat

1063
01:00:40,803 --> 01:00:43,889
and I read and think and play my flute...

1064
01:00:43,890 --> 01:00:46,308
- Mom?
- Oh, be still, Melody.

1065
01:00:46,309 --> 01:00:51,063
There's nothing wrong with expanding
your horizons. I certainly expanded mine.

1066
01:00:51,064 --> 01:00:53,899
You know what? I'm really sorry, but...

1067
01:00:53,900 --> 01:00:56,401
I think that my mother badly gave you
the wrong impression,

1068
01:00:56,402 --> 01:00:58,028
because I'm happily married.

1069
01:00:58,029 --> 01:01:03,700
No, no, no, no, no, no, she's not, Randy.
She's nursemaid to a roach. He is.

1070
01:01:03,701 --> 01:01:06,523
Goodbye, Mother. Goodbye, Mr. James.

1071
01:01:09,749 --> 01:01:11,249
I told you you'd get the hang of it.

1072
01:01:11,250 --> 01:01:13,585
Okay, you know what?
Let's just stop. Let's stop.

1073
01:01:13,586 --> 01:01:16,046
- Let's stop. Yeah, yeah, yeah, stop, stop.
- Stop?

1074
01:01:16,047 --> 01:01:20,077
- Yeah. I need to sit for a minute.
- All right.

1075
01:01:20,259 --> 01:01:23,470
You know, I'm just doing it for the aerobics,
anyway. Otherwise, it's moronic.

1076
01:01:23,471 --> 01:01:24,930
I think it's relaxing.

1077
01:01:24,931 --> 01:01:28,684
Relaxing? What? Are you kidding?
It's too nerve-wracking.

1078
01:01:28,685 --> 01:01:33,271
To mingle with all those sub-mentals
on bicycles? It's like driving a car.

1079
01:01:33,272 --> 01:01:36,900
Those hostile, belligerent morons
all get driver's licenses.

1080
01:01:36,901 --> 01:01:41,279
Of course, to have children, you don't
need a license. No proof of anything.

1081
01:01:41,280 --> 01:01:44,408
You need a license to fish.
You need a license to be a barber.

1082
01:01:44,409 --> 01:01:46,326
You need a license to sell hot dogs.

1083
01:01:46,327 --> 01:01:49,079
You know, you read about these poor kids,
beaten and starved,

1084
01:01:49,080 --> 01:01:51,289
you wonder, why are these parents
allowed to even have them?

1085
01:01:51,290 --> 01:01:52,850
Okay, Boris, Boris.

1086
01:01:53,793 --> 01:01:57,879
You know, sometimes I think you're
so determined not to enjoy anything in life,

1087
01:01:57,880 --> 01:01:59,381
just out of spite.

1088
01:01:59,382 --> 01:02:01,425
You know,
like a child who's throwing a tantrum,

1089
01:02:01,426 --> 01:02:03,343
because he can't have his own way.

1090
01:02:03,344 --> 01:02:05,303
Wow! Listen to you!

1091
01:02:05,972 --> 01:02:10,809
That's a reasonably wise insight
for a simple-minded type like yourself.

1092
01:02:10,810 --> 01:02:16,296
Honestly. Yeah, you surprise and delight me
sometimes, you know that?

1093
01:02:16,983 --> 01:02:20,986
I really don't know what I'd do
without you, seriously.

1094
01:02:20,987 --> 01:02:23,321
What are you doing with that?

1095
01:02:23,322 --> 01:02:27,617
This? Nothing. I just got it at the flea market.

1096
01:02:27,994 --> 01:02:31,705
- Who needs an antique handkerchief?
- I thought it was pretty.

1097
01:02:31,706 --> 01:02:36,866
Yeah, but God knows throughout history
who blew his nose in it.

1098
01:02:37,920 --> 01:02:39,671
- Marietta? Honey?
- Yes, darling?

1099
01:02:39,672 --> 01:02:42,549
I think you should include these photos
at your opening next week.

1100
01:02:42,550 --> 01:02:45,427
- I love those photos. Al, what do you think?
- I chose those.

1101
01:02:45,428 --> 01:02:46,511
- Oh, you did?
- Absolutely.

1102
01:02:46,512 --> 01:02:47,929
- Sweetheart, you've managed to make...
- Thank you.

1103
01:02:47,930 --> 01:02:49,806
...an existential statement about

1104
01:02:49,807 --> 01:02:52,100
- sexual perversity and human freedom.
- Who? Yes.

1105
01:02:52,101 --> 01:02:54,019
- It's so full of erotic imagination.
- Okay, hold on a sec.

1106
01:02:54,020 --> 01:02:56,313
- Oh, thank you so much! Thank you!
- Marietta?

1107
01:02:56,314 --> 01:03:00,192
- Who is it?
- Somebody named Randy Jones?

1108
01:03:00,651 --> 01:03:02,486
Oh, Randy, Randy James.

1109
01:03:02,487 --> 01:03:04,488
Hello? Hello? Hey!

1110
01:03:05,031 --> 01:03:07,032
Young man, hello, hello!

1111
01:03:07,700 --> 01:03:10,869
Listen, she's going to be at Uniqlo
at around 3:00.

1112
01:03:10,870 --> 01:03:13,872
You can run into her and try your luck.

1113
01:03:13,873 --> 01:03:17,876
You know, she saved the handkerchief
you gave her, so it's not a hopeless cause.

1114
01:03:17,877 --> 01:03:24,090
And I'm telling you, I saw fire behind her
eyes. Fire. Yeah. Good luck, darling.

1115
01:03:24,091 --> 01:03:27,093
- Who was that?
- Oh, nothing. Come on, gumbo! Let's go.

1116
01:03:27,094 --> 01:03:29,554
Who'd have ever thought that gumbo
would become my favorite dinner?

1117
01:03:29,555 --> 01:03:31,919
All this and she cooks, too.

1118
01:03:37,980 --> 01:03:40,190
Oh, my God! Hello.

1119
01:03:41,818 --> 01:03:44,569
So I guess you just happened to
be shopping here. Right?

1120
01:03:44,570 --> 01:03:47,572
Well, I was buying this shirt,
if you must know.

1121
01:03:47,573 --> 01:03:48,990
You like it?

1122
01:03:49,075 --> 01:03:51,237
- It's okay.
- Just okay?

1123
01:03:51,410 --> 01:03:53,370
I thought it'd make me look dashing.

1124
01:03:53,371 --> 01:03:55,372
Looks aren't your problem.

1125
01:03:55,373 --> 01:03:56,748
Oh, no? What is?

1126
01:03:56,749 --> 01:03:57,958
You're too forward.

1127
01:03:57,959 --> 01:04:02,045
- I think about you a lot.
- Well, I don't think about you.

1128
01:04:02,046 --> 01:04:05,757
So what's it like being married to a genius?

1129
01:04:06,092 --> 01:04:07,843
Who wants to know?

1130
01:04:07,927 --> 01:04:11,263
I'm sorry. I don't mean to be a boor, I just...

1131
01:04:11,264 --> 01:04:13,426
Just that, well, you know.

1132
01:04:13,432 --> 01:04:15,928
It has its pluses and minuses.

1133
01:04:16,102 --> 01:04:18,770
Yes? And what are the drawbacks?

1134
01:04:19,605 --> 01:04:21,606
I don't know. I mean...

1135
01:04:21,607 --> 01:04:24,025
Well, naturally, with a very advanced mind,

1136
01:04:24,026 --> 01:04:27,445
you find a lot of things
wrong with everything

1137
01:04:27,446 --> 01:04:29,155
and, mainly, he just doesn't like people.

1138
01:04:29,156 --> 01:04:30,574
You know, he says at the rate they're going,

1139
01:04:30,575 --> 01:04:32,284
they're going to make themselves extinct.

1140
01:04:32,285 --> 01:04:33,451
Right.

1141
01:04:33,953 --> 01:04:37,873
It can just be exhausting
being around a genius all the time.

1142
01:04:37,874 --> 01:04:42,460
So what are the pluses of being
the wife of such a dazzling mind?

1143
01:04:42,461 --> 01:04:45,489
- Well, he's smart.
- You said that.

1144
01:04:45,506 --> 01:04:46,965
He's clever.

1145
01:04:48,718 --> 01:04:53,482
He really means well, you know?
He's just a little crazy.

1146
01:04:53,973 --> 01:04:57,934
I guess the good part is that
I'm the wife of a genius,

1147
01:04:57,935 --> 01:05:00,312
which I never really thought I could swing.

1148
01:05:00,313 --> 01:05:01,479
Why not?

1149
01:05:02,648 --> 01:05:06,150
I guess I thought I'd have to be smarter.

1150
01:05:07,153 --> 01:05:10,780
You want to see my boat?
I mean, my friend's boat, where I live?

1151
01:05:10,781 --> 01:05:15,577
- I don't think that's a good idea.
- I dreamt about you last night. I...

1152
01:05:15,578 --> 01:05:19,039
Don't use that line. Because Boris said
that he dreamt about me last night.

1153
01:05:19,040 --> 01:05:20,957
And I really doubt
it's mathematically possible

1154
01:05:20,958 --> 01:05:24,328
for me to be in two dreams at one time.

1155
01:05:29,175 --> 01:05:32,541
It's down there, on the right-hand side.

1156
01:05:34,972 --> 01:05:40,352
Well, this is it. It's not much, but it's home
and I don't pay rent, so...

1157
01:05:40,353 --> 01:05:43,229
This is kind of sweet, living on the water.

1158
01:05:43,230 --> 01:05:48,332
It rocks just the tiniest bit,
so I sleep like a baby on it.

1159
01:05:48,402 --> 01:05:51,571
Randy, I don't know what I'm doing here!
I'm married!

1160
01:05:51,572 --> 01:05:53,698
That doesn't mean
I can't have feelings for you.

1161
01:05:53,699 --> 01:05:55,241
You don't really know me.

1162
01:05:55,242 --> 01:05:58,912
Yes, but I'm a romantic
and I believe in love at first sight.

1163
01:05:58,913 --> 01:06:02,082
Well, that's true.
You know, Boris says that love isn't logical.

1164
01:06:02,083 --> 01:06:06,983
And I adore the way you talk
and the funny things you say.

1165
01:06:07,546 --> 01:06:09,214
Where can it lead?

1166
01:06:09,757 --> 01:06:12,050
Let's drink to love at first sight.

1167
01:06:12,051 --> 01:06:15,971
I can't. When I drink,
I get very silly and touchy and...

1168
01:06:15,972 --> 01:06:19,391
That's what your mum said. That's why
I bought the bottle. She's quite a mum.

1169
01:06:19,392 --> 01:06:21,768
Don't use that locution. It's for inchworms.

1170
01:06:21,769 --> 01:06:22,936
Sorry.

1171
01:06:25,314 --> 01:06:27,565
Is that you in the picture?

1172
01:06:27,566 --> 01:06:30,485
Yeah. That's me in Juno and the Paycock

1173
01:06:30,486 --> 01:06:32,904
I bet you're a really good actor.

1174
01:06:32,905 --> 01:06:36,205
I try. Although I'll never be a genius.

1175
01:06:37,034 --> 01:06:39,911
You certainly are handsome enough
to be a star.

1176
01:06:39,912 --> 01:06:43,138
Thank you. I'll cherish that compliment.

1177
01:06:48,462 --> 01:06:51,339
- Oh, my God.
- What are you thinking?

1178
01:06:51,340 --> 01:06:54,009
- Entropy.
- Entropy?

1179
01:06:54,468 --> 01:06:56,803
Yeah, entropy. Boris explained it.

1180
01:06:56,804 --> 01:07:00,306
It's why you can't get the toothpaste
back in the tube.

1181
01:07:00,307 --> 01:07:01,599
You mean,

1182
01:07:02,977 --> 01:07:07,814
once something happens, it's difficult
to put it back the way it was?

1183
01:07:07,815 --> 01:07:10,859
I mean, Boris says love is all about luck.

1184
01:07:10,860 --> 01:07:13,570
I think so, too, but isn't that just because

1185
01:07:13,571 --> 01:07:15,488
we're young and we think
we're going to live forever

1186
01:07:15,489 --> 01:07:18,074
and then we grow old
and get diabetes, and...

1187
01:07:18,075 --> 01:07:19,242
Maybe.

1188
01:07:19,660 --> 01:07:24,247
Look, I do agree there's not much
you can be sure of in this world, but...

1189
01:07:24,248 --> 01:07:27,834
Have you ever heard of
Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle?

1190
01:07:27,835 --> 01:07:29,627
I've heard of it, yeah.

1191
01:07:29,628 --> 01:07:33,514
You know, the observer
influences the experiment?

1192
01:07:34,258 --> 01:07:35,800
It's just like

1193
01:07:36,135 --> 01:07:38,595
when my mother makes love to
one of the guys she's living with

1194
01:07:38,596 --> 01:07:40,805
a certain way when they're alone,

1195
01:07:40,806 --> 01:07:45,310
but when she's in front of the other guy,
she does it differently.

1196
01:07:45,311 --> 01:07:46,978
Is that Heisenberg?

1197
01:07:47,813 --> 01:07:50,515
I had no idea he was so sexual.

1198
01:07:56,781 --> 01:08:00,143
Wait. I always carry some Viagra with me.

1199
01:08:00,159 --> 01:08:03,797
That's all right. I eat a lot of red meat.

1200
01:08:21,222 --> 01:08:24,386
I really like the way these pants fit.

1201
01:08:27,686 --> 01:08:31,712
Hey, are you okay?
You seem awfully quiet lately.

1202
01:08:32,191 --> 01:08:33,358
Yeah.

1203
01:08:34,276 --> 01:08:36,861
We're going to be late
for Mom's gallery opening.

1204
01:08:36,862 --> 01:08:38,530
I hope you're not coming down
with anything.

1205
01:08:38,531 --> 01:08:41,533
You know, Brodsky's kid's got the measles.

1206
01:08:41,534 --> 01:08:45,411
Can you still get the measles?
I had a shot when I was younger,

1207
01:08:45,412 --> 01:08:47,644
but how long does it last?

1208
01:08:50,417 --> 01:08:51,751
Who's that?

1209
01:08:51,877 --> 01:08:55,177
I don't know. I'm not expecting anyone.

1210
01:08:58,134 --> 01:08:59,676
- Melody!
- Daddy!

1211
01:08:59,760 --> 01:09:02,137
Oh, my little girl, I found you!

1212
01:09:02,138 --> 01:09:05,932
Oh, Lord, your mother and I searched
and searched, but then we ran out of leads.

1213
01:09:05,933 --> 01:09:08,017
I used every connection
I had at the police force.

1214
01:09:08,018 --> 01:09:10,270
We even called the FBI! But you're okay.

1215
01:09:10,271 --> 01:09:12,856
Things are going to be fine now.
Your ordeal is over.

1216
01:09:12,857 --> 01:09:14,023
What ordeal?

1217
01:09:14,108 --> 01:09:16,651
You were abducted!
Tell me if my theory is correct.

1218
01:09:16,652 --> 01:09:19,070
You were chloroformed
by polygamous Mormons.

1219
01:09:19,071 --> 01:09:20,572
They took you off to be someone's bride!

1220
01:09:20,573 --> 01:09:23,658
I was not abducted.
Didn't anybody read my letters?

1221
01:09:23,659 --> 01:09:26,786
Yeah, but I assumed you were forced to
write them at gunpoint.

1222
01:09:26,787 --> 01:09:28,329
- Who's this?
- Who are you?

1223
01:09:28,330 --> 01:09:30,748
- This is Boris, my husband.
- Boris, your who?

1224
01:09:30,749 --> 01:09:33,209
He's my husband. I'm Mrs. Boris Yellnikoff.

1225
01:09:33,210 --> 01:09:35,003
- Who are you?
- I'm her husband.

1226
01:09:35,004 --> 01:09:37,130
You want to pass out here
or go in the living room?

1227
01:09:37,131 --> 01:09:38,423
Where's your mother?

1228
01:09:38,424 --> 01:09:40,508
What do you care?
You cheated on her and then

1229
01:09:40,509 --> 01:09:42,594
dumped her for Mandy Blackburn,
of all people!

1230
01:09:42,595 --> 01:09:45,263
I made a terrible mistake,
I committed the sin of self-indulgence.

1231
01:09:45,264 --> 01:09:47,140
I've come to beg your mother's forgiveness.

1232
01:09:47,141 --> 01:09:49,601
- You might want to rethink that, Daddy.
- I want to see her.

1233
01:09:49,602 --> 01:09:51,603
I see death by culture shock.

1234
01:09:51,604 --> 01:09:54,147
You can tell me, Melody,
she has every right to hate me.

1235
01:09:54,148 --> 01:09:55,607
And she does, believe me.

1236
01:09:55,608 --> 01:09:57,400
I can handle the truth. Does she hate me?

1237
01:09:57,401 --> 01:10:00,320
Well, it was a pretty awful thing
you did with her best friend.

1238
01:10:00,321 --> 01:10:03,615
- Then she hates me?
- Yes, yes, she hates you! I can't stand this.

1239
01:10:03,616 --> 01:10:05,450
I hate you and I just met you!

1240
01:10:05,451 --> 01:10:07,702
Lord, you tell me
this creature took you to bed?

1241
01:10:07,703 --> 01:10:11,456
- No, no, no, no. Actually, she took me.
- Yeah, when I met Boris, he hated sex.

1242
01:10:11,457 --> 01:10:14,500
Yeah, think of it, Mr. Celestine.
The absurd choreography,

1243
01:10:14,501 --> 01:10:18,087
like a sewing machine, up and down,
up and down, up and down,

1244
01:10:18,088 --> 01:10:19,881
toward what end? Making more children?

1245
01:10:19,882 --> 01:10:21,174
What the hell are you talking about?

1246
01:10:21,175 --> 01:10:24,636
Reproducing the species over and over.
Toward what goal?

1247
01:10:24,637 --> 01:10:26,554
Carrying out what moronic design?

1248
01:10:26,555 --> 01:10:28,932
- What happened to Mandy?
- It was a mess, a nightmare.

1249
01:10:28,933 --> 01:10:31,726
Lord, I've sinned! Please forgive me.

1250
01:10:31,727 --> 01:10:35,772
Why do all the religious psychotics wind up
praying at my doorstep? Can you tell me?

1251
01:10:35,773 --> 01:10:38,483
Lord, in Your infinite mercy,
I've done wrong.

1252
01:10:38,484 --> 01:10:42,848
- You want to tell him, or should I?
- Tell me what?

1253
01:10:42,988 --> 01:10:45,823
Daddy, there's nobody out there!

1254
01:10:46,325 --> 01:10:49,786
Honest. You're praying to no one.

1255
01:10:49,870 --> 01:10:53,206
You're wasting your breath, just like
you're gonna be wasting it on Mom.

1256
01:10:53,207 --> 01:10:54,999
What? You're telling me
she met another man?

1257
01:10:55,000 --> 01:10:57,085
- Not just a man.
- What?

1258
01:10:57,086 --> 01:11:01,923
Daddy, you couldn't expect her to not, you
know, move on with her life and, you know...

1259
01:11:01,924 --> 01:11:04,217
Oh, Lord. What's he like?

1260
01:11:04,635 --> 01:11:06,844
He's got four arms and two noses.

1261
01:11:06,845 --> 01:11:08,346
You better butt out, stranger!

1262
01:11:08,347 --> 01:11:11,432
Melody will tell you I don't need my shotgun
to be a whole passel of trouble.

1263
01:11:11,433 --> 01:11:13,797
Now, I want to see Marietta!

1264
01:11:36,750 --> 01:11:40,461
Now, Dad, try and remember,
you haven't seen Mom in a year.

1265
01:11:40,462 --> 01:11:43,715
A year is not forever.
How much can a person change?

1266
01:11:43,716 --> 01:11:46,942
And with that, they entered the gallery.

1267
01:11:58,355 --> 01:12:00,481
I had more people
than I knew what to do with.

1268
01:12:00,482 --> 01:12:06,321
Everybody said, "I'll be naked with you,
Marietta!" And I was like, "Okay. "

1269
01:12:06,322 --> 01:12:07,739
Oh, my God.

1270
01:12:09,116 --> 01:12:10,450
Marietta?

1271
01:12:10,534 --> 01:12:14,996
John Celestine!
Look what the cat dragged in.

1272
01:12:15,080 --> 01:12:16,956
- Marietta, what happened to you?
- Oh, my God!

1273
01:12:16,957 --> 01:12:18,958
Well, darling, it's you that absconded.

1274
01:12:18,959 --> 01:12:20,710
- He showed up at the door today.
- Whoa, whoa. "Absconded"?

1275
01:12:20,711 --> 01:12:22,545
Yes, yes, with the promiscuous whore

1276
01:12:22,546 --> 01:12:24,172
- who called herself my best friend.
- Darling, I'll be...

1277
01:12:24,173 --> 01:12:25,923
I'll find you. Excuse me. Pardon me.

1278
01:12:25,924 --> 01:12:29,427
It's over, Marietta. Mandy and I were
a terrible mistake. I've come back for you.

1279
01:12:29,428 --> 01:12:31,262
Well, honey,
I'm in the middle of my opening.

1280
01:12:31,263 --> 01:12:34,390
Yeah, Dad, this is Mom's exhibition.
Isn't it great?

1281
01:12:34,391 --> 01:12:37,518
- Exhibition of what?
- Well, the collages.

1282
01:12:37,519 --> 01:12:40,063
What? She's thinking
of buying this pornography?

1283
01:12:40,064 --> 01:12:42,148
I got news for you, she's the pornographer.

1284
01:12:42,149 --> 01:12:44,233
Marietta, who are you?

1285
01:12:44,318 --> 01:12:46,778
John, you never understood me, honey.

1286
01:12:46,779 --> 01:12:49,072
Your vision never extended
beyond the backyard.

1287
01:12:49,073 --> 01:12:51,616
You always had your gun clubs
and your fishing trips and football.

1288
01:12:51,617 --> 01:12:54,535
You never took a little minute
to find out about me.

1289
01:12:54,536 --> 01:12:56,454
And you were always too busy
putting her in pageants

1290
01:12:56,455 --> 01:12:58,956
and coaching her speeches
and teaching her baton twirling!

1291
01:12:58,957 --> 01:13:02,085
Yes, yes, that's true.
I was sublimating my own creative needs

1292
01:13:02,086 --> 01:13:03,628
and forcing them on our daughter.

1293
01:13:03,629 --> 01:13:05,797
- You were what?
- Yes, she was sublimating.

1294
01:13:05,798 --> 01:13:06,881
Sublimating.

1295
01:13:06,965 --> 01:13:09,300
Honey, why don't you go on back
to Mandy Blackburn?

1296
01:13:09,301 --> 01:13:11,636
Her pygmy mentality
is much closer to you now.

1297
01:13:11,637 --> 01:13:14,013
- Much closer.
- Yeah. Well, I can't go back to her.

1298
01:13:14,014 --> 01:13:17,058
- Oh, why not?
- She cast aspersions on my manhood.

1299
01:13:17,059 --> 01:13:20,478
What are we talking? Size? Duration?
Erectile dysfunction?

1300
01:13:20,479 --> 01:13:22,313
Would you mind your own business?

1301
01:13:22,314 --> 01:13:27,151
Marietta, how could you forsake your own
family? I want us all back home to start over.

1302
01:13:27,152 --> 01:13:29,516
I'm a different woman, John.

1303
01:13:30,197 --> 01:13:32,824
I can't believe what I'm seeing. I mean...

1304
01:13:32,825 --> 01:13:35,660
Your clothes are different,
your speech is a little more affected,

1305
01:13:35,661 --> 01:13:37,662
but deep down, I know you're the same

1306
01:13:37,663 --> 01:13:41,165
pretty, small-town, God-fearing,
churchgoing, pie-baking...

1307
01:13:41,166 --> 01:13:42,750
I'm living with two guys.

1308
01:13:42,751 --> 01:13:44,836
...Girl Scout mom. You're what?

1309
01:13:44,837 --> 01:13:48,923
I'm an artist. I don't bake pies.
I don't go to church.

1310
01:13:48,924 --> 01:13:52,260
I do collages, sculpture, photography.

1311
01:13:52,344 --> 01:13:55,847
I live in Manhattan with two men who I love

1312
01:13:55,848 --> 01:13:58,612
in a very happy ménage à trois.

1313
01:13:59,017 --> 01:14:01,352
- A what?
- We all sleep together.

1314
01:14:01,353 --> 01:14:03,146
A ménage à trois.

1315
01:14:04,481 --> 01:14:07,984
I knew we should never trust
the goddamn French.

1316
01:14:07,985 --> 01:14:09,819
It's amazing, Melody.

1317
01:14:09,903 --> 01:14:14,031
Thousands of years ago, ancient peoples,
Egyptians, Romans, Mayans,

1318
01:14:14,032 --> 01:14:16,660
were walking home, just like us,

1319
01:14:17,161 --> 01:14:20,371
discussing where should they eat
or making small talk.

1320
01:14:20,372 --> 01:14:23,541
"Hey, we just bought a great house
on the Nile with a yard,

1321
01:14:23,542 --> 01:14:25,418
"overlooking the Pharaoh's new pyramid. "

1322
01:14:25,419 --> 01:14:28,296
- Boris...
- Or, "My physician says

1323
01:14:28,380 --> 01:14:31,215
- "peacock tongues are bad for your heart. "
- Boris...

1324
01:14:31,216 --> 01:14:36,888
Or, "I'm worried I can't get my kid
into a really good Aztec preschool. "

1325
01:14:36,889 --> 01:14:39,390
What the hell does it all mean now? Zilch.

1326
01:14:39,391 --> 01:14:40,892
But they thought it was important.

1327
01:14:40,893 --> 01:14:42,560
Boris, can I talk to you for a minute?

1328
01:14:42,561 --> 01:14:45,396
And I was raised in a religious home.

1329
01:14:45,397 --> 01:14:49,734
Job's wife was my favorite character
in the Bible, because she chose death

1330
01:14:49,735 --> 01:14:54,949
rather than obsequious acceptance,
like that masochist she married.

1331
01:14:57,659 --> 01:15:00,203
Boris, Boris, can we sit down for a second?

1332
01:15:00,204 --> 01:15:01,412
Well, but we have to go home.

1333
01:15:01,413 --> 01:15:03,831
I know, but come here.
I have to say something.

1334
01:15:03,832 --> 01:15:05,750
But we always go home now.

1335
01:15:05,751 --> 01:15:08,085
I know. I know.
I know we have a standard routine.

1336
01:15:08,086 --> 01:15:11,380
I need to have my drink, and a shower.

1337
01:15:11,840 --> 01:15:13,674
And, you know, you see it as routine,

1338
01:15:13,675 --> 01:15:16,844
but for me the consistency helps keep me
from becoming unnerved.

1339
01:15:16,845 --> 01:15:19,138
I know you require a certain ritual.

1340
01:15:19,139 --> 01:15:22,475
And then after the shower,
our dinner, but not crawfish pie again.

1341
01:15:22,476 --> 01:15:26,270
I got indigestion from it last time.
I thought I had thyroid cancer.

1342
01:15:26,271 --> 01:15:29,690
Boris, I met someone else. I've fallen in love.

1343
01:15:29,691 --> 01:15:35,446
And then some Beethoven, maybe some
Schubert for a change, but, you know...

1344
01:15:35,447 --> 01:15:37,209
You met someone else?

1345
01:15:37,991 --> 01:15:43,229
I'm not saying I don't have
very deep feelings for you. I do.

1346
01:15:45,290 --> 01:15:47,052
You met someone else?

1347
01:15:48,085 --> 01:15:49,126
Yes.

1348
01:15:50,128 --> 01:15:54,131
And you want us to live in a threesome,
like your mother?

1349
01:15:54,132 --> 01:15:57,696
Boris, when you found me, I was very young.

1350
01:15:59,137 --> 01:16:00,972
You're still very young.

1351
01:16:00,973 --> 01:16:03,391
Yes, but I've grown.

1352
01:16:03,475 --> 01:16:07,373
I've grown so much.
And mainly because of you.

1353
01:16:08,188 --> 01:16:14,012
Yes, it's true. I have been very patient
with your phenomenal ignorance.

1354
01:16:14,653 --> 01:16:17,949
You can always count on me for anything.

1355
01:16:19,825 --> 01:16:20,992
I just...

1356
01:16:21,535 --> 01:16:25,767
I guess I'm at a very impressionable age,
and I...

1357
01:16:26,415 --> 01:16:29,921
I can't think of a way to say this well.

1358
01:16:31,295 --> 01:16:34,297
- You don't have to say it well.
- I want to.

1359
01:16:34,298 --> 01:16:37,049
I completely understand. I do.

1360
01:16:37,718 --> 01:16:40,678
This does not run counter
to my convictions that

1361
01:16:40,679 --> 01:16:44,627
love relationships are
almost invariably transient.

1362
01:16:46,184 --> 01:16:50,420
I don't really think that's true if they're right.

1363
01:16:50,689 --> 01:16:53,858
Really? You have your own ideas?

1364
01:16:55,110 --> 01:16:59,363
Just a couple.
You know, they're not very deep, but...

1365
01:16:59,364 --> 01:17:04,160
As cruel as life is,
I miss participating in the world.

1366
01:17:04,703 --> 01:17:09,290
And I even miss people,
even the inchworms and the cretins,

1367
01:17:09,291 --> 01:17:15,123
because I don't really think they're bad,
I think they're just scared.

1368
01:17:15,881 --> 01:17:18,507
I think you're making the correct decision.

1369
01:17:18,508 --> 01:17:20,468
- Boris...
- I mean it.

1370
01:17:23,639 --> 01:17:27,725
I'm a profound and sensitive soul
with an enormous grasp

1371
01:17:27,726 --> 01:17:29,620
of the human condition.

1372
01:17:30,395 --> 01:17:32,623
It was inevitable you would

1373
01:17:32,648 --> 01:17:36,934
eventually grow tired of being
so grossly over matched.

1374
01:17:37,569 --> 01:17:43,525
Greatness isn't easy to live with,
even by someone of normal intelligence.

1375
01:17:44,326 --> 01:17:49,490
You're upset. I don't expect you
to understand. How could you?

1376
01:17:51,458 --> 01:17:52,833
Believe me,

1377
01:17:54,127 --> 01:17:57,151
if I can understand quantum mechanics,

1378
01:17:57,297 --> 01:18:00,985
I can certainly comprehend
the thought process

1379
01:18:01,593 --> 01:18:04,089
of a sub-mental baton twirler.

1380
01:18:04,763 --> 01:18:07,139
- Boris...
- It's okay.

1381
01:18:09,393 --> 01:18:12,825
I knew this day would come. I really did.

1382
01:18:13,188 --> 01:18:17,082
The universe is winding down.
Why shouldn't we?

1383
01:18:21,571 --> 01:18:22,780
Again!

1384
01:18:23,657 --> 01:18:25,621
I'll have another, too.

1385
01:18:28,120 --> 01:18:30,818
She left me. Can you believe it?

1386
01:18:31,748 --> 01:18:35,209
What am I talking about? I left her.
She's alone.

1387
01:18:35,210 --> 01:18:40,510
Now, no matter which way she turns
in bed, she's got a husband.

1388
01:18:40,549 --> 01:18:42,383
My wife left me, too.

1389
01:18:43,093 --> 01:18:46,925
I'm sure she was beautiful, just like my wife.

1390
01:18:47,389 --> 01:18:48,597
Norman?

1391
01:18:50,016 --> 01:18:51,851
Norman was gorgeous.

1392
01:18:54,980 --> 01:18:58,357
He was the greatest runway model
Versace ever had.

1393
01:18:58,358 --> 01:19:00,788
I thought you said your wife.

1394
01:19:01,570 --> 01:19:03,798
We were married in Holland.

1395
01:19:06,074 --> 01:19:07,950
You married a guy?

1396
01:19:08,827 --> 01:19:10,161
What else?

1397
01:19:10,871 --> 01:19:12,997
But that would make you...

1398
01:19:12,998 --> 01:19:16,876
What? A widow? Norman didn't die.

1399
01:19:17,836 --> 01:19:19,462
Not a widow, a...

1400
01:19:21,214 --> 01:19:23,591
- Gay?
- A member of the...

1401
01:19:25,343 --> 01:19:26,719
Of what?

1402
01:19:27,304 --> 01:19:29,346
The homosexual persuasion.

1403
01:19:29,931 --> 01:19:31,182
My God.

1404
01:19:32,225 --> 01:19:34,685
You make it sound like a religion.

1405
01:19:34,686 --> 01:19:39,565
Yes. If it's a religion,
you could call me devout. A fanatic.

1406
01:19:39,566 --> 01:19:42,602
But that's a sin against God's law.

1407
01:19:43,487 --> 01:19:44,862
God is gay.

1408
01:19:45,989 --> 01:19:48,324
He can't be.
He made the whole universe perfect.

1409
01:19:48,325 --> 01:19:53,078
The oceans, the skies, the beautiful flowers,
the trees everywhere.

1410
01:19:53,079 --> 01:19:55,372
That's right. He's a decorator.

1411
01:19:55,373 --> 01:19:59,543
But what do you miss about him?
I still don't get it.

1412
01:19:59,544 --> 01:20:00,836
Everything.

1413
01:20:01,505 --> 01:20:03,005
His face.

1414
01:20:03,548 --> 01:20:06,242
His kindness, his sense of humor.

1415
01:20:06,510 --> 01:20:08,511
Our mutual passion.

1416
01:20:09,095 --> 01:20:13,390
The way we'd dance and he'd dip me back
and kiss me.

1417
01:20:13,391 --> 01:20:14,600
Jesus.

1418
01:20:15,602 --> 01:20:18,771
Why did he leave you?
She leave you. Norman.

1419
01:20:18,772 --> 01:20:23,874
He wants to live in Paris,
and I can't leave my sick mother.

1420
01:20:24,694 --> 01:20:26,862
Is your mother a woman?

1421
01:20:28,824 --> 01:20:31,575
She used to look like Marlene Dietrich.

1422
01:20:31,576 --> 01:20:35,579
What's the difference?
They all hurt you in the end, every woman,

1423
01:20:35,580 --> 01:20:38,142
whether they're male or female.

1424
01:20:38,583 --> 01:20:40,613
Why did yours leave you?

1425
01:20:41,294 --> 01:20:45,996
I left her for her best friend,
but it didn't work out.

1426
01:20:46,299 --> 01:20:47,633
Why not?

1427
01:20:49,970 --> 01:20:52,388
Can I be perfectly frank with you?

1428
01:20:52,389 --> 01:20:54,223
I don't shock easily.

1429
01:20:55,433 --> 01:20:57,867
I couldn't make love to her.

1430
01:20:58,937 --> 01:21:00,229
Why not?

1431
01:21:00,564 --> 01:21:05,401
It was fine at first, but then I lost interest.
I wanted Marietta back.

1432
01:21:05,402 --> 01:21:07,236
Which is funny, because in the last years,

1433
01:21:07,237 --> 01:21:10,948
I really didn't have
a lot of sexual interest in Marietta.

1434
01:21:10,949 --> 01:21:15,371
That happens with you heteros.
We always have interest.

1435
01:21:18,999 --> 01:21:20,541
Christ, if I'm going to be honest,

1436
01:21:20,542 --> 01:21:26,366
you know, I never, ever really had
a burning sexual desire for Marietta.

1437
01:21:26,965 --> 01:21:28,731
Why'd you marry her?

1438
01:21:30,135 --> 01:21:36,965
It was the thing to do. Everybody where
I lived, you had a wife and children and...

1439
01:21:37,601 --> 01:21:39,965
Can I really level with you?

1440
01:21:40,979 --> 01:21:41,979
Of course.

1441
01:21:42,063 --> 01:21:43,772
John. John Celestine.

1442
01:21:43,857 --> 01:21:48,402
Of course, John.
I'm Howard Cummings, nee Kaminsky.

1443
01:21:50,196 --> 01:21:53,488
I married Marietta, because I was afraid.

1444
01:21:54,576 --> 01:21:55,910
Of what?

1445
01:21:55,994 --> 01:21:59,830
The way I felt towards the tight end
on the football team.

1446
01:21:59,831 --> 01:22:01,040
No.

1447
01:22:01,124 --> 01:22:05,711
Every time he got in the line of scrimmage
and bent over.

1448
01:22:05,712 --> 01:22:10,068
Bartender, another round for my friend
and me, please.

1449
01:22:53,259 --> 01:22:55,957
Can you believe I blew it twice?

1450
01:22:56,179 --> 01:22:59,974
I jumped out the window
and landed on a woman walking her dog.

1451
01:22:59,975 --> 01:23:02,875
She got hurt. I got off scot-free.

1452
01:23:03,895 --> 01:23:08,607
Don't you realize the consequences
of your actions impact on other people?

1453
01:23:08,608 --> 01:23:11,944
- Oh, come on. Seriously.
- No. What if you had committed suicide?

1454
01:23:11,945 --> 01:23:14,154
Think, think if you didn't exist,
how the world

1455
01:23:14,155 --> 01:23:16,407
would suddenly change
in ways you can't imagine.

1456
01:23:16,408 --> 01:23:17,574
Oh, my God. You know what?

1457
01:23:17,575 --> 01:23:21,078
You sound like that movie they ram
down your throat every Christmas.

1458
01:23:21,079 --> 01:23:23,205
- What?
- What if the guardian angel

1459
01:23:23,206 --> 01:23:24,748
had saved Jimmy Stewart,

1460
01:23:24,749 --> 01:23:27,459
and Jimmy Stewart was
the guy who smoked in bed,

1461
01:23:27,460 --> 01:23:32,224
and he lived and caused a fire
that killed 60 people? So?

1462
01:23:32,590 --> 01:23:36,385
How about that?
Everybody's life is still worth saving?

1463
01:23:36,386 --> 01:23:38,595
Even if it's Christmas? Come on, seriously.

1464
01:23:38,596 --> 01:23:41,682
You must have a very dim view
of the human race.

1465
01:23:41,683 --> 01:23:46,770
Oh, the human race. They've had to install
automatic toilets in public restrooms,

1466
01:23:46,771 --> 01:23:49,690
because people can't be
entrusted to flush a toilet.

1467
01:23:49,691 --> 01:23:54,111
Come on, flushing a toilet!
They can't even flush a toilet!

1468
01:23:54,112 --> 01:23:55,696
Visiting time is over.

1469
01:23:55,697 --> 01:23:58,699
- What? You're kicking me out?
- Yeah.

1470
01:23:58,700 --> 01:24:01,285
- Seriously?
- Yeah. Absolutely.

1471
01:24:02,537 --> 01:24:07,429
All right, listen.
Honestly, I'm really sorry about all this

1472
01:24:08,293 --> 01:24:11,003
and is there anything I can do
to make this up to you?

1473
01:24:11,004 --> 01:24:14,304
Can I get you something? What can I do?

1474
01:24:15,133 --> 01:24:18,427
If I can ever walk again,
you can buy me dinner.

1475
01:24:18,428 --> 01:24:20,262
What do you do, Helena?

1476
01:24:20,263 --> 01:24:21,930
Me? I'm a psychic.

1477
01:24:24,768 --> 01:24:26,769
I'm sorry. Really?

1478
01:24:27,228 --> 01:24:31,148
I was born with a very rare gift.
I can see into the future.

1479
01:24:31,149 --> 01:24:33,025
If you can see into the future,
how come you didn't know

1480
01:24:33,026 --> 01:24:37,728
I was gonna jump out a building
and land on top of you?

1481
01:24:37,822 --> 01:24:39,198
Maybe I did.

1482
01:24:53,213 --> 01:24:55,130
Happy new year to you.

1483
01:25:00,386 --> 01:25:03,013
We're so excited. Howard is selling the gym,

1484
01:25:03,014 --> 01:25:05,599
but we're going to open up
an antique shop in Chelsea.

1485
01:25:05,600 --> 01:25:09,103
Yeah. Art deco. We're going to have
a wonderful collection of movie posters.

1486
01:25:09,104 --> 01:25:12,648
Can you believe this cracker?
This red state Neanderthal?

1487
01:25:12,649 --> 01:25:15,692
This mindless zombie
of the National Rifle Association?

1488
01:25:15,693 --> 01:25:19,696
My shrink says that the guns were all
a manifestation of my sexual inadequacy.

1489
01:25:19,697 --> 01:25:24,827
Yeah, if it weren't for sexual inadequacy, the
National Rifle Association would go broke.

1490
01:25:24,828 --> 01:25:27,621
He's moved in with Howard Cummings,
nee Kaminsky.

1491
01:25:27,622 --> 01:25:31,625
And not only is he sleeping with a man,
soon he'll be celebrating Purim.

1492
01:25:31,626 --> 01:25:36,380
More important, for the first time
in his adult life, he's happy.

1493
01:25:36,381 --> 01:25:40,759
I should have known why I was failing you,
Marietta, not fulfilling your womanly needs.

1494
01:25:40,760 --> 01:25:43,554
Which turned out to be quite considerable.

1495
01:25:43,555 --> 01:25:47,057
Mine, too, but not with the sex I'd been
raised to be attracted to.

1496
01:25:47,058 --> 01:25:51,645
You're like a changed man, John.
Your whole personality is sunnier.

1497
01:25:51,646 --> 01:25:53,355
If only it had been that way.

1498
01:25:53,356 --> 01:25:57,901
I couldn't when I was making love to you.
I was a square peg in a round hole,

1499
01:25:57,902 --> 01:25:59,736
you should pardon the metaphor.

1500
01:25:59,737 --> 01:26:03,240
Well, I just hope you two lucked out
and found the right person in each other.

1501
01:26:03,241 --> 01:26:05,007
I know I lucked out.

1502
01:26:05,201 --> 01:26:07,077
What about you, Boris?

1503
01:26:07,328 --> 01:26:11,665
As you would say in the crude fashion
of your generation,

1504
01:26:11,666 --> 01:26:13,500
I totally lucked out.

1505
01:26:14,169 --> 01:26:19,006
It just shows what meaningless blind chance
the universe is.

1506
01:26:19,674 --> 01:26:23,427
Everybody schemes and dreams
to meet the right person,

1507
01:26:23,428 --> 01:26:28,223
and I jump out a window and land on her.
And a psychic yet!

1508
01:26:28,224 --> 01:26:31,185
I mean, come on,
talk about the irrational heart,

1509
01:26:31,186 --> 01:26:34,688
not to mention I've developed
a fondness for grits.

1510
01:26:34,689 --> 01:26:38,525
I have a question,
am I a member of my generation?

1511
01:26:38,526 --> 01:26:41,236
Yes. Don't worry. I'll explain it to you.

1512
01:26:41,237 --> 01:26:44,114
Hey, hey, hold on! Hold on!
The ball's about to drop!

1513
01:26:44,115 --> 01:26:45,282
Come on!

1514
01:26:45,366 --> 01:26:46,533
Ten,

1515
01:26:46,910 --> 01:26:48,035
nine,

1516
01:26:48,119 --> 01:26:50,370
eight, seven,

1517
01:26:50,830 --> 01:26:53,040
six, five,

1518
01:26:53,291 --> 01:26:55,459
four, three,

1519
01:26:55,835 --> 01:26:57,878
two, one!

1520
01:26:57,962 --> 01:26:59,504
Happy new year!

1521
01:27:15,313 --> 01:27:18,148
I happen to hate New Year's celebrations.

1522
01:27:18,149 --> 01:27:20,651
Everybody desperate to have fun.

1523
01:27:20,652 --> 01:27:23,654
Trying to celebrate
in some pathetic little way.

1524
01:27:23,655 --> 01:27:27,149
Celebrate what? A step closer to the grave?

1525
01:27:28,159 --> 01:27:33,080
That's why I can't say enough times,
whatever love you can get and give,

1526
01:27:33,081 --> 01:27:36,637
whatever happiness
you can filch or provide,

1527
01:27:37,252 --> 01:27:41,463
every temporary measure of grace,
whatever works.

1528
01:27:42,173 --> 01:27:47,636
And don't kid yourself, it's by no means
all up to your own human ingenuity.

1529
01:27:47,637 --> 01:27:51,223
A bigger part of your existence is luck
than you'd like to admit.

1530
01:27:51,224 --> 01:27:54,559
Christ, you know the odds
of your father's one sperm

1531
01:27:54,560 --> 01:27:59,022
from the billions,
finding the single egg that made you?

1532
01:27:59,023 --> 01:28:01,525
Don't think about it,
you'll have a panic attack.

1533
01:28:01,526 --> 01:28:03,360
Boris, what are you doing?
Who you talking to?

1534
01:28:03,361 --> 01:28:05,904
What? There's people out there watching us.

1535
01:28:05,905 --> 01:28:08,615
- They're out there?
- Yeah, yeah, they're watching. What?

1536
01:28:08,616 --> 01:28:10,575
- Please, Boris...
- You know...

1537
01:28:10,576 --> 01:28:13,912
Well, there was when we started.
I don't know how many are left.

1538
01:28:13,913 --> 01:28:15,831
Does anybody see anybody out there?

1539
01:28:15,832 --> 01:28:18,041
- Out there? No!
- No!

1540
01:28:18,126 --> 01:28:19,543
- Boris!
- No!

1541
01:28:20,878 --> 01:28:24,840
See? I'm the only one
who sees the whole picture.

1542
01:28:24,841 --> 01:28:27,539
That's what they mean by genius.

1543
01:28:28,094 --> 01:28:30,656
Come on. Happy new year, Boris.