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Kin-Dza-Dza!
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00:00:41,350 --> 00:00:45,521
Screenplay
by
Revaz GABRIADZE
Georgi DANELIYA
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Directed
by
Georgi DANELIYA
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Camera And Staging
by
Pavel LEBESHEV
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Music
by
Giya KANCHELI
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Starring:
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Stanislav LYUBSHIN
as Vladimir Nikolaevich "Vovka" Mashkov
aka "Uncle Vova"
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Evgeni LEONOV
as Uef ("Chatlanian")
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Yuri YAKOVLEV
as Be ("Patzak")
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Levan GABRIADZE
as Gedevan aka "Fiddler"
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- Hi.
- Hi.
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- Anything new?
- Pipes sprang a leak at the construction site.
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[ A goofy song is heard on TV ]
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Mommy, mommy, give me some advice.
Winter's coming with the frost and ice.
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You don't have a warm and pretty shawl.
And no fur coat do I have at all!
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- How's our "A-grade" student?
- He's out with friends.
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Vovka! Go buy some bread. I forgot.
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Oh, and fetch some noodles too.
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Comrade, that man over there says he's from
another planet. We have to do something.
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Call 911.
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I will, but he's almost barefoot.
He'll catch a cold.
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- How do you do?
- How do you do?
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Please, excuse my bad smell.
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- It's cold here. I found this in a garbage bin.
- Well done!
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Friend! Please, tell me your
planet number in Tenture,
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or at least the galaxy
number in the Spiral.
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I pushed the wrong buttons
and now I can't return home.
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Well, my dear fellow,
we don't remember the number...
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Look, let's send this guy
to the information office,
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and we'll wait for him
together at the baker's, okay?
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- You can put these on.
- Uh-huh... Thank you.
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Look, friends.
There's no need for the baker's
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or the information office.
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This is my planet:
Uzm, 247 in Tenture,
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Galaxy Beta in The Spiral.
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This is my teleportation machine.
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Which buttons should I push
to get teleported home?
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Since time is relative...
You do understand that, right?
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OK, my friend. I have a proposition.
We "push the buttons" now...
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and get teleported to your planet.
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But if your little gizmo doesn't work...
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then you will end up where you end up. Deal?
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You can't. You don't know what you're doing.
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Sure we can.
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And you? What do you see? Huh?
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- Sand...
- So, the damn thing worked.
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And that idiot, with his holes,
did he stay back there?
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Keep calm! Just keep calm.
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We have sun, sand...
and we have gravity.
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- Where are we? Are we on Earth, or...
- Or...?
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No, let's assume we're on Earth,
in some desert. Right?
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Say, Karakum. Huh?
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What other deserts do we have?
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- Gobi, Sahara...
- I said WE have!
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We also have... Kyzylkum.
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No. Let's assume it's Karakum. Huh?
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So Ashkhabad must be there.
Got it? Let's go.
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Got it? Let's go.
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Come on! Come on!
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Comrade, what is your name?
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Vladimir Nikolaevich.
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- I'm Gedevan.
- Pleased to meet you.
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You have a bottle in your bag.
Is it wine?
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No. It's vinegar.
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I also have some herbs and spices.
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Then... all systems go.
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Vladimir Nikolaevich, do you
remember the number he said?
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- The guy I gave my socks to...
- No.
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Maybe, we're on his planet?
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Listen, Fiddler...
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We can guess all we want.
We don't know a damn thing!
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We pick a direction
and we keep walking.
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We just need to get to water. Got it?
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Vladimir Nikolaevich,
I want to change into slippers.
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- Well, do it!
- Then stop walking!
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- What time is it?
- Four.
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- At night?
- At night.
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Are you late for something?
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It's embarrassing...
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I called from the airport, said
I'd be there in an hour, and...
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- You study music?
- No. The violin isn't mine.
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It is Maestro Rogozin's.
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He was on a tour in my hometown,
and after the concert
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they forgot to put
the violin on the plane.
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- Banquet?
- Nope, just a dinner.
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- Oh... Are you from Tbilisi?
- From Batumi. [Georgia, the Caucasus]
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I thought I would return the violin
and manage to catch the last train.
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- I study Textile Manufacturing in Ivanovo.
- Uh-huh...
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I wanted to study International Relations
in Moscow, but there they told me...
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Hush!
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A man.
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- "Koo".
- Hello.
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A capitalist country...
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00:11:27,919 --> 00:11:30,088
Do you speak any
foreign languages?
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English, French... after a fashion.
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Tell them we don't have any money.
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Tell them! They want us to pay.
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How do you do?
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We are tourists.
We've lost our group.
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00:12:11,009 --> 00:12:15,548
Please, give us a ride to the nearest city,
and we'll find our way from there.
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Translate.
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Hello.
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We have no money.
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We left money, passports
and foreign currency with our guide.
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We stepped aside for a moment
and got lost in the sands.
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Take it. Very warm.
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Excuse me.
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You want my fur-cap? Here you are.
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It's not mine.
I can't give it away.
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- There's nothing in there.
- Open it.
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It's not wine, it's vinegar.
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Sour, isn't it?
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So, that's settled then?
Friend, will you give us a ride?
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Fiddler, hurry up!
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Just to the nearest city.
We'll be all right there.
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What? My jacket?
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Jerks...
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I'm glad I didn't give
them the violin.
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Looks like they're sorry.
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"Ketze" what?
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I think he wants a match.
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You want a match?
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Take it.
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The whole box?
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You get us out of here,
and we'll give you the "koo".
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00:17:53,102 --> 00:18:00,731
Not a single letter,
not a single "Made in", heh?
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00:18:07,744 --> 00:18:10,662
Sorry. I don't understand.
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"Sprechen Sie Turkish?"
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What do they want?
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It's "koo" they want.
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Thank you.
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He wants me to put on a bell.
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00:19:03,682 --> 00:19:06,056
It's his problem.
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00:19:10,189 --> 00:19:13,440
I'll put it on, Vladimir Nikolaevich.
It's getting rather awkward.
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00:19:15,049 --> 00:19:17,654
Whatever.
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00:19:45,980 --> 00:19:49,515
All right, you win.
137
00:21:28,533 --> 00:21:30,714
I'll just have a smoke.
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00:21:34,310 --> 00:21:36,386
Easy! Easy there. Easy.
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00:22:28,830 --> 00:22:32,662
Vladimir Nikolaevich,
maybe we are really on...
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00:22:34,044 --> 00:22:37,085
Yeah, typical Martians.
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00:23:00,782 --> 00:23:07,238
"Lucy, darling, damn you! You
just had to get those noodles!"
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00:23:15,194 --> 00:23:23,845
Well. You do speak Russian.
Why did you keep it back?
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00:23:24,434 --> 00:23:26,241
We didn't keep it back.
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00:23:27,187 --> 00:23:31,379
It's hard to penetrate your minds
when you 2 think in different languages.
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00:23:31,483 --> 00:23:36,314
And this Patzak always speaks
languages he hardly even knows!
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00:23:36,614 --> 00:23:39,900
What are you staring at?
"Maimuna verishvilla"!
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00:23:40,431 --> 00:23:43,701
- They speak Georgian, too!
- What did he say?
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00:23:44,081 --> 00:23:47,877
- "Monkey, son of an ass."
- That's it!
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00:23:48,085 --> 00:23:51,548
We are from the Soviet Union.
We are here on a cultural exchange.
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00:23:51,548 --> 00:23:53,633
Our authorities know where we are.
They are looking for us.
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00:23:53,633 --> 00:23:57,346
If you don't let us get in
touch with our embassy,
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00:23:57,346 --> 00:24:00,929
you'll be in serious trouble.
Capish?
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00:24:04,708 --> 00:24:09,515
We don't understand "embassy".
Put the 'tzak' back! Quickly!
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You understand "noodles",
and you understand "maimuna",
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yet you don't know "embassy"?
You poor things.
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00:24:18,912 --> 00:24:21,699
Enough! Stop fooling
us around! Got it?
157
00:24:22,541 --> 00:24:26,671
About noodles... I simply
said what you thought.
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00:24:26,671 --> 00:24:30,254
It's not Earth, my dear fellow,
and it's not Africa.
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00:24:31,384 --> 00:24:39,810
It's planet Pluke, 215 in Tenture.
Galaxy Kin-Dza-Dza in the Spiral. Got it?
160
00:24:44,107 --> 00:24:46,859
Well, hello, here we are.
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00:24:48,862 --> 00:24:53,780
Put the bell on, my dear.
Put it on.
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00:24:59,332 --> 00:25:02,916
Right... Attaboy!
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00:25:32,849 --> 00:25:37,563
- Excuse me, where have we landed?
- Shh! He's got sharp hearing.
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00:25:37,667 --> 00:25:41,213
- Do you know the Tenture of your planet?
- Tenture?
165
00:25:41,421 --> 00:25:44,654
Well, tell us your
galaxy number in the Spiral
166
00:25:44,863 --> 00:25:47,799
- In the spiral?
- Yes, yes, in the Spiral.
167
00:25:47,845 --> 00:25:51,474
Well, Earth is there, you know...
spinning next to such planets as...
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00:25:51,912 --> 00:25:55,646
Venus, Saturn, Mars, Jupiter...
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00:25:55,646 --> 00:25:59,421
- What else, Vladimir Nikolaevich?
- The Big Dipper.
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00:25:59,838 --> 00:26:02,436
Vladimir Nikolaevich,
come over here.
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00:26:08,076 --> 00:26:12,950
- Do you have more matches on your planet?
- Lots.
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00:26:13,541 --> 00:26:16,957
How many will you give us
if we get you there?
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00:26:17,921 --> 00:26:21,988
- How many do you need?
- Two full boxes like this one.
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00:26:22,301 --> 00:26:24,921
- Seven!
- Seven!
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00:26:25,262 --> 00:26:30,477
And give me all that you have here.
I will trade them for a gravitzapa.
176
00:26:30,477 --> 00:26:32,553
Excuse me, what is "gravitzapa"?
177
00:26:32,979 --> 00:26:37,693
Well, it's a thing without which
'Pepelatz' can only fly like this...
178
00:26:37,693 --> 00:26:43,992
but with a gravitzapa... to any place
in the Universe... in 5 seconds.
179
00:26:43,992 --> 00:26:48,268
But how do you guys drive your Pepelatz
out of the garage without a gravitzapa?
180
00:26:48,477 --> 00:26:50,979
- That's not right.
- We did have a gravitzapa!
181
00:26:51,083 --> 00:26:53,482
But when we landed here,
someone snatched it up.
182
00:26:53,586 --> 00:26:57,705
- By any chance, do you have a teleportation machine?
- No. No.
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00:26:57,799 --> 00:27:01,760
- Give me the matches.
- Give us some water.
184
00:27:23,138 --> 00:27:24,911
Like this! Do like this!
185
00:27:25,414 --> 00:27:29,459
Do like this! Like this!
186
00:27:30,211 --> 00:27:34,090
This is yours.
This is what you use for smoking now.
187
00:27:34,299 --> 00:27:35,629
Thank you.
188
00:27:40,556 --> 00:27:42,658
He says they have a gravitzapa.
189
00:27:43,809 --> 00:27:47,769
- Put your matches here.
- Well, we'll do like this...
190
00:27:48,001 --> 00:27:51,251
When you get us to Earth,
you'll get this, and this.
191
00:27:51,547 --> 00:27:52,694
Hey!
192
00:27:52,694 --> 00:27:55,814
Fiddler, let's go
into outer space...
193
00:27:56,282 --> 00:27:57,736
Stop!
194
00:27:59,197 --> 00:28:00,866
Give it back!
195
00:28:02,664 --> 00:28:06,282
- Give it back!
- Only on Mother Earth.
196
00:28:06,418 --> 00:28:07,878
Vladimir Nikolaevich!
197
00:28:07,983 --> 00:28:11,632
You said, if we take you to the
city, you will give us all of them.
198
00:28:11,945 --> 00:28:13,926
And now you stole a match from us!
199
00:28:14,031 --> 00:28:17,097
A Patzak shall not cheat
another Patzak. That's not nice!
200
00:28:17,201 --> 00:28:19,391
I said "to the city"!
201
00:28:19,704 --> 00:28:21,769
- And what is this?
- It's a shed.
202
00:28:22,311 --> 00:28:30,987
And what is this? and this?
and this here? How come it's not a city?
203
00:28:30,987 --> 00:28:33,064
Hey, don't get testy!
204
00:28:33,928 --> 00:28:39,445
Show us your gravitzapa
If it's a decent one, we'll take it.
205
00:28:39,789 --> 00:28:41,332
Patzak!
206
00:28:41,541 --> 00:28:47,297
Only fools would take
contraband ketze in front of witnesses,
207
00:28:47,297 --> 00:28:52,732
when it means to be sentenced to Etsikh for life,
with nails! Do you have 'ku' for brains or what?
208
00:28:54,618 --> 00:28:57,975
We'll buy it ourselves.
Let's go.
209
00:28:58,810 --> 00:29:03,012
Stop! I said STOP!
210
00:29:08,321 --> 00:29:09,899
Who are you?
211
00:29:11,986 --> 00:29:14,071
I asked who are you?
212
00:29:16,205 --> 00:29:19,625
- Alien construction foreman.
- No, you are a Patzak.
213
00:29:19,834 --> 00:29:22,170
- And who are you?
- I'm Georgian.
214
00:29:22,170 --> 00:29:24,673
No, you are also a Patzak.
215
00:29:24,881 --> 00:29:27,906
You are a Patzak, you are a Patzak,
and he is a Patzak.
216
00:29:28,010 --> 00:29:31,159
And I am a Chatlanian,
and they are Chatlanians.
217
00:29:31,368 --> 00:29:35,351
So, put on your tzak, and stay
in the Pepelatz! Got it?
218
00:29:35,977 --> 00:29:37,222
Oh, yeah?
219
00:29:37,854 --> 00:29:40,023
My friend, look at me.
How does the Visatorrespond?
220
00:29:40,023 --> 00:29:45,071
Do you see the light? What color?
Green, isn't it?
221
00:29:45,071 --> 00:29:51,026
Now look at him. It's green.
And the same with you... green.
222
00:29:51,662 --> 00:29:56,375
Now look at Uef. What color?
Orange, isn't it?
223
00:29:56,375 --> 00:30:01,381
That's because he is a Chatlanian.
Do you read me?
224
00:30:01,381 --> 00:30:04,092
- What?
- Pluke is a Chatlanian planet.
225
00:30:04,509 --> 00:30:06,804
So, we Patzaks, must wear tzaks.
226
00:30:07,137 --> 00:30:12,970
Yes! And before us, Chatlanians,
you have to do like this!
227
00:30:13,603 --> 00:30:17,065
Vladimir Nikolaevich,
this is outrageous racism!
228
00:30:17,065 --> 00:30:21,236
- Please, would you do it again?
- Like this!
229
00:30:21,236 --> 00:30:24,822
- A bit slower, would you? Please.
- Like... this...
230
00:30:26,075 --> 00:30:27,951
Vladimir Nikolaevich...
231
00:30:28,057 --> 00:30:32,124
Back home you have a wife,
a son with problems at school,
232
00:30:32,124 --> 00:30:34,773
an overdue mortgage payment.
233
00:30:34,877 --> 00:30:38,121
Yet, here you are...
playing the fool.
234
00:30:38,435 --> 00:30:42,814
This will end badly, my friend.
235
00:30:45,213 --> 00:30:46,695
Take it.
236
00:30:47,412 --> 00:30:51,333
- OK, Fiddler, we'll play their game.
- That's a boy!
237
00:30:51,646 --> 00:30:55,984
Now, give a match to Uef.
He'll buy a gravitzapa.
238
00:30:55,984 --> 00:30:58,800
- But he said he needed them all.
- I was joking.
239
00:30:58,904 --> 00:31:02,127
Heh... You guys are so funny!
240
00:31:03,743 --> 00:31:08,580
- Koo!
- Wait! Koo. We'll go together.
241
00:31:13,087 --> 00:31:16,632
Don't show them any of your ketze.
Don't even think about them.
242
00:31:16,632 --> 00:31:18,718
Just show them my ketze.
243
00:31:18,718 --> 00:31:22,513
And don't give 'em more than half a match.
It's a fair price for a gravitzapa.
244
00:31:23,390 --> 00:31:26,925
Your Patzak said
it costs a whole match.
245
00:31:27,144 --> 00:31:29,850
Shhh! He was joking too.
246
00:31:46,583 --> 00:31:49,156
Cement series 300, isn't it?
247
00:31:51,901 --> 00:31:56,594
- Patzak! Remember... half or less.
- All right.
248
00:31:57,157 --> 00:32:00,244
Excuse me, but what is "Chatlanian"
or "Patzak"? Ethnicity?
249
00:32:00,348 --> 00:32:01,912
No.
250
00:32:02,642 --> 00:32:04,957
- A biological factor?
- No.
251
00:32:05,291 --> 00:32:07,690
- People from different planets?
- No.
252
00:32:08,003 --> 00:32:10,172
So, in what way are they different?
253
00:32:10,485 --> 00:32:17,232
Fiddler, are you color-blind or what?
Can't you tell green from orange? Tourist!
254
00:32:26,357 --> 00:32:29,120
Hey!
A skyscraper!
255
00:32:29,485 --> 00:32:32,603
Come on, let's go.
256
00:32:44,940 --> 00:32:48,152
Koo!
Do as I taught you.
257
00:32:48,152 --> 00:32:50,311
Hi, missy.
258
00:32:51,354 --> 00:32:54,483
Must be chilly in that fur coat?
259
00:33:04,295 --> 00:33:08,466
They won't let me in.
They want you alone.
260
00:33:08,466 --> 00:33:12,963
Don't give them the ketze.
Bring the gravitzapa here. I'll check it.
261
00:33:13,973 --> 00:33:16,215
Go!
262
00:33:19,437 --> 00:33:20,522
Not allowed!
263
00:33:20,835 --> 00:33:22,920
- We're together.
- Not allowed!
264
00:33:23,025 --> 00:33:25,110
Vladimir Nikolaevich, tell him!
265
00:33:25,527 --> 00:33:29,361
It's all right. Wait here.
266
00:33:37,165 --> 00:33:41,033
Just don't go anywhere.
267
00:33:59,733 --> 00:34:01,975
Hi.
268
00:34:05,197 --> 00:34:07,771
How's life?
269
00:34:10,390 --> 00:34:12,539
To squat, you say?
270
00:34:12,956 --> 00:34:19,077
Well, out of respect
for the ladies present.
271
00:34:19,964 --> 00:34:22,916
Well? What's new on Pluke?
272
00:34:23,926 --> 00:34:28,423
Put a ketze here and
you'll get a gravitzapa.
273
00:34:39,402 --> 00:34:44,526
- Only a half.
- A half.
274
00:34:45,826 --> 00:34:49,738
- Can I have a look?
- Sure.
275
00:35:01,344 --> 00:35:05,369
Actually I'm not an expert
in these gravitzapas.
276
00:35:05,682 --> 00:35:09,582
Let's show it to my Chatlanian.
He'll check it.
277
00:35:09,895 --> 00:35:14,524
Just a minute... to set up a "tzap"'.
278
00:35:31,398 --> 00:35:33,460
A sore throat?
279
00:35:38,302 --> 00:35:39,804
Water.
280
00:35:40,221 --> 00:35:42,401
I have a proposition.
281
00:35:42,703 --> 00:35:49,643
I'll give you the rest of this ketze
for 2 bottles of water. Deal?
282
00:35:49,690 --> 00:35:51,075
Deal.
283
00:36:03,205 --> 00:36:04,957
Do you have food?
284
00:36:04,957 --> 00:36:07,043
Porridge.
285
00:36:07,043 --> 00:36:09,119
What kind?
286
00:36:10,213 --> 00:36:12,955
Plastic.
287
00:36:18,722 --> 00:36:23,723
Look. I'll give you this whole ketze
288
00:36:24,583 --> 00:36:31,400
for 5 bottles of water
and a kilo of porridge.
289
00:36:33,864 --> 00:36:36,613
- What's this?
- Ketze.
290
00:36:38,036 --> 00:36:41,825
- I'll have to check it again.
- As you wish.
291
00:37:00,102 --> 00:37:04,147
Hey, hang on a sec!
292
00:37:04,816 --> 00:37:06,227
Just wait.
293
00:37:35,225 --> 00:37:40,598
Fiddler, how about you?
Can you get matches on Earth?
294
00:37:41,795 --> 00:37:43,208
Yes, I can.
295
00:37:46,905 --> 00:37:52,244
If you can spit further than me,
I'll give you half a chatle.
296
00:37:53,955 --> 00:37:58,204
If I can spit further, then over there,
on Earth, you'll give me 2 matches.
297
00:38:07,970 --> 00:38:09,722
- Deal?
- No way.
298
00:38:09,973 --> 00:38:15,456
It's a simple game.
I bet half a chatle. You bet 3 matches.
299
00:38:15,687 --> 00:38:19,100
- Here, kid. Spit.
- No, thanks.
300
00:38:20,359 --> 00:38:25,073
Well, OK. You bet one match.
I bet 3 chatles and yellow pants.
301
00:38:25,282 --> 00:38:29,036
And I'll give you a head-start
like this. Come on.
302
00:38:29,223 --> 00:38:30,955
- No.
- Blue pants!
303
00:38:31,163 --> 00:38:33,865
Mr. Uef, I'm not gonna do it
under any circumstances.
304
00:38:34,625 --> 00:38:36,999
Is that your final answer?
305
00:38:37,045 --> 00:38:44,092
Then stop fooling me around,
"Maimuna verishvilla"! [Monkey, son of an ass]
306
00:38:46,347 --> 00:38:52,792
Mr. Uef! I represent a civilized planet
and demand that you watch your language!
307
00:38:53,105 --> 00:38:55,181
That's that!
308
00:39:22,095 --> 00:39:23,841
Where are they?
309
00:39:24,515 --> 00:39:27,602
- Who?
- That one, with a scar.
310
00:39:28,019 --> 00:39:31,138
I'm a moron. I gave him all the matches.
311
00:40:43,395 --> 00:40:45,768
Guys, stop it. That's enough.
312
00:40:47,108 --> 00:40:49,110
Enough? Enough of what?
313
00:40:49,110 --> 00:40:52,781
I told him a thousand times that
we should fly to the Center.
314
00:40:52,781 --> 00:40:59,698
But he is greedy... like all Chatlanians.
"Two chatles cheaper..." Ku!
315
00:41:00,248 --> 00:41:03,164
Well, I have one left.
316
00:41:06,275 --> 00:41:09,502
As far as I know, it's enough
for a gravitzapa, is't it?
317
00:41:10,217 --> 00:41:12,303
Give it to me, please.
318
00:41:12,407 --> 00:41:15,764
- What for?
- To buy a gravitzapa.
319
00:41:17,809 --> 00:41:21,062
- Where?
- There, in the Center.
320
00:41:21,876 --> 00:41:25,860
And how are you going to
get us to Mother Earth,
321
00:41:25,860 --> 00:41:30,532
if you don't even know what
galaxy it's in?
322
00:41:30,532 --> 00:41:32,826
We can get your planet
number, you fool,
323
00:41:32,930 --> 00:41:36,110
in any planetarium
in the Center for 2 chatles!
324
00:41:36,747 --> 00:41:39,374
Give me the match, okay?
325
00:41:39,563 --> 00:41:41,563
So that you could
bury us in the sand?
326
00:41:41,669 --> 00:41:43,755
- It means you won't give it?
- No.
327
00:41:44,252 --> 00:41:49,469
- Is that your final answer?
- As final as can be.
328
00:41:54,329 --> 00:41:57,686
Farewell then, my friend.
329
00:42:03,506 --> 00:42:05,592
They will fly away,
Vladimir Nikolaevich
330
00:42:05,801 --> 00:42:10,488
No, they won't. They would sell their
own mother for a couple of matches.
331
00:42:17,960 --> 00:42:21,714
Either you give us the match now,
332
00:42:21,714 --> 00:42:27,338
or we won't take you back to Earth
for less than 7 matchboxes!
333
00:42:32,177 --> 00:42:33,741
Two thousand.
334
00:42:35,306 --> 00:42:36,870
Three.
335
00:42:37,392 --> 00:42:40,521
- Two and three hundred.
- Three.
336
00:42:50,116 --> 00:42:52,202
Two thousand five hundred.
I can't give more.
337
00:42:53,250 --> 00:42:55,326
Yes, you can, my friend.
338
00:42:56,045 --> 00:42:57,623
Mr. Be,
339
00:43:01,050 --> 00:43:03,838
I have 50 rubles.
340
00:43:04,387 --> 00:43:06,948
Matches cost 2 kopeks per box.
341
00:43:07,182 --> 00:43:11,016
So, I can buy 2m500 matchboxes.
342
00:43:10,311 --> 00:43:14,770
Fiddler is holding out on us!
He's got more chatles.
343
00:43:19,154 --> 00:43:25,700
Mr Uef, stop calling me "Fiddler".
My name is Gedevan Alexandrovich.
344
00:43:34,234 --> 00:43:35,880
Is that the engine in there?
345
00:43:36,111 --> 00:43:41,295
Stop poking your nose into every hole,
"Gedevan Alexandrovich".
346
00:43:44,725 --> 00:43:50,349
Gedevan, how about we tie these two
scoundrels up and head north?
347
00:43:51,086 --> 00:43:52,435
What for?
348
00:43:52,754 --> 00:43:57,315
Maybe, there's the Mediterranean Sea
swashing and splashing over there.
349
00:43:57,739 --> 00:44:00,471
Heh... Vladimir Nikolaevich,
are you crazy, my friend?
350
00:44:00,680 --> 00:44:03,079
A sea? on Pluke?
351
00:44:03,079 --> 00:44:07,207
All the seas were used up
long ago to make "luts".
352
00:44:07,834 --> 00:44:10,669
Excuse me, to make what?
353
00:44:11,150 --> 00:44:14,371
Fuel, Fiddler. Fuel.
354
00:44:15,530 --> 00:44:18,554
Here. That would be 6,140 matchboxes.
355
00:44:18,763 --> 00:44:21,263
How come it's so many already?
356
00:44:21,474 --> 00:44:25,640
You stuff your faces with porridge.
You drink water. Plus the contraption.
357
00:44:27,001 --> 00:44:31,650
Never mind the contraption, we don't
want it. Put it back.
358
00:44:40,287 --> 00:44:46,252
Let's take it. We need to bring back some
technology, or no-one will believe us.
359
00:44:46,544 --> 00:44:50,589
Then give them the violin,
if you like the contraption so much.
360
00:44:52,175 --> 00:44:57,473
It's an Italian antique violin,
worth a thousand rubles, if not more.
361
00:44:57,473 --> 00:45:00,261
How will I ever pay for it?
362
00:45:03,396 --> 00:45:09,028
Fiddler! Instead of thinking that you
are "the first Georgian cosmonaut"
363
00:45:09,028 --> 00:45:11,823
and that you "will get a Nobel prize",
364
00:45:11,927 --> 00:45:16,826
why don't you return the spoon you
stole from the poor guys like us?
365
00:45:18,997 --> 00:45:21,833
I wasn't thinking any of that.
366
00:45:27,757 --> 00:45:32,420
I wanted to donate it to the Institute of
non-ferrous metals. Maybe, it's something new.
367
00:45:33,973 --> 00:45:40,854
Heaven! Heaven knows, Fiddler,
you are a disgrace for all Patzaks.
368
00:45:41,189 --> 00:45:44,274
I am very deeply saddened.
369
00:45:49,281 --> 00:45:51,881
- Where are you going?
- To the toilet.
370
00:45:52,181 --> 00:45:53,870
You can't take money to the toilet.
371
00:45:53,974 --> 00:46:00,202
Leave the money here,
Gedevan Alexandrovich.
372
00:46:37,002 --> 00:46:40,589
- Ketze, my dear fellow, is very expensive.
- Why?
373
00:46:41,465 --> 00:46:44,093
Well, over there, on Earth,
how do you know
374
00:46:44,302 --> 00:46:47,629
how many times who has to
squat and before whom?
375
00:46:47,722 --> 00:46:51,161
We go by instinct!
376
00:46:51,435 --> 00:46:53,306
Barbarians!
377
00:46:53,562 --> 00:46:54,866
Look,
378
00:46:55,252 --> 00:46:58,644
I've come to like you.
So, I'll teach you.
379
00:46:59,277 --> 00:47:01,383
If I have "a little" ketze,
380
00:47:01,592 --> 00:47:04,359
I have a right to wear yellow pants.
381
00:47:04,887 --> 00:47:10,743
and Patzaks have to squat
before me not just once but twice.
382
00:47:11,374 --> 00:47:14,541
If I have "a lot" of ketze,
383
00:47:14,878 --> 00:47:19,538
I have a right to wear pink pants
384
00:47:19,883 --> 00:47:24,639
and not only do Patzaks have
to squat before me twice
385
00:47:24,847 --> 00:47:28,164
...but Chatlanians have to koo as well!
386
00:47:28,372 --> 00:47:35,893
And Etsilops cannot
beat me up at night! Ever!
387
00:47:36,214 --> 00:47:39,363
Um... I have a proposition.
388
00:47:39,697 --> 00:47:42,576
You, my dear fellow,
give us the match now,
389
00:47:42,576 --> 00:47:46,704
and later we will bring
you yellow pants. A deal?
390
00:47:46,935 --> 00:47:49,559
Thanks, I already have a pair.
Maybe Fiddler needs some?
391
00:47:49,792 --> 00:47:54,456
Fiddler! The aliens are
selling some pants here.
392
00:47:54,798 --> 00:47:57,836
Yellow. Do you need any?
393
00:47:58,823 --> 00:48:00,825
There is no Fiddler, my friend.
394
00:48:00,930 --> 00:48:03,078
- Come again?
- I have got rid of him.
395
00:48:03,182 --> 00:48:07,666
Don't worry, Vladimir Nikolaevich
We have another catapult. A new one.
396
00:48:07,771 --> 00:48:09,847
That one was broken anyway.
397
00:48:10,274 --> 00:48:11,942
I don't get it...
398
00:48:11,942 --> 00:48:15,987
I pressed the kappa. He flew away.
399
00:48:16,322 --> 00:48:20,783
Fiddler isn't needed.
He was a waste of fuel.
400
00:48:31,944 --> 00:48:33,420
Turn back!
401
00:48:34,776 --> 00:48:35,819
We can't.
402
00:48:36,073 --> 00:48:39,759
We're out of luts. We have
to fly to the luts station.
403
00:48:40,182 --> 00:48:45,159
Turn back! Or I'll burn this
damn ketze right here!
404
00:48:46,564 --> 00:48:48,771
Gedevan!
405
00:48:53,572 --> 00:48:55,482
Fiddler!
406
00:49:00,114 --> 00:49:02,200
Fiddler!
407
00:49:14,596 --> 00:49:20,202
- He couldn't just disappear!
- I told you... he got busted by Etsilops.
408
00:49:20,436 --> 00:49:25,537
- Now let's fly, my friend.
- Death's too good for you!
409
00:49:28,361 --> 00:49:30,812
Call the Etsilops on the radio!
410
00:49:31,448 --> 00:49:34,316
We have no radio. We threw it away.
411
00:49:34,452 --> 00:49:36,329
I'll come and check it!
412
00:49:36,537 --> 00:49:38,633
An Etsilop!
413
00:49:48,009 --> 00:49:50,251
Put on your tzak, quickly!
414
00:49:51,742 --> 00:49:55,965
- Put on a tzak!
- Don't hold your breath.
415
00:50:08,407 --> 00:50:12,820
Put it on! or he'll tranklukate
both you and the match!
416
00:51:09,517 --> 00:51:11,095
How do you do?
417
00:51:11,728 --> 00:51:15,558
Look, friend, we lost a guy
around here. Did you see him?
418
00:51:17,776 --> 00:51:19,401
What?
419
00:51:31,938 --> 00:51:34,555
Oh, sorry. I forgot.
420
00:51:34,691 --> 00:51:37,621
So, did you pick him up?
421
00:52:18,595 --> 00:52:22,796
I told you, Fiddler isn't needed.
I told you!
422
00:52:23,183 --> 00:52:27,645
How are we supposed to buy luts now?
How?!
423
00:52:30,774 --> 00:52:31,817
How?!
424
00:52:31,964 --> 00:52:37,990
- You, my dear fellow, are a bastard!
- He is even worse. He's just a ku!
425
00:53:14,283 --> 00:53:16,660
I have a suggestion.
426
00:53:16,660 --> 00:53:18,424
We find Fiddler,
427
00:53:18,621 --> 00:53:20,686
and then we go to the authorities.
428
00:53:20,790 --> 00:53:22,866
Bring me some sand, please.
429
00:53:24,398 --> 00:53:28,371
We'll tell them who we are
and where we are from.
430
00:53:30,280 --> 00:53:34,930
They will give us a gravitzapa,
and we will...
431
00:53:35,452 --> 00:53:39,181
make a mutually beneficial arrangement.
432
00:53:40,416 --> 00:53:43,315
You will send us yellow pants,
433
00:53:43,838 --> 00:53:46,445
and we will send you ketze
as much as you want.
434
00:53:46,652 --> 00:53:49,633
To fly to the authorities
we need a gravitzapa!
435
00:53:49,906 --> 00:53:54,243
The government is on another planet,
my dear friend.
436
00:54:40,129 --> 00:54:47,470
Uncle Vova! I'm here! Here!
437
00:55:03,051 --> 00:55:04,585
- Fiddler!
- What?
438
00:55:04,699 --> 00:55:07,702
Where is my... whatchamacallit?
439
00:55:07,702 --> 00:55:11,966
- Tzak?
- Yeah.
440
00:55:12,958 --> 00:55:14,939
- I've got it.
- Well, give it to me.
441
00:55:15,106 --> 00:55:18,747
- But what for?
- Just give it to me.
442
00:55:22,364 --> 00:55:24,261
But there's nobody around.
443
00:55:25,493 --> 00:55:29,134
- That one is mine.
- So, keep it handy!
444
00:55:49,1000 --> 00:55:54,379
- Are you asleep?
- No.
445
00:55:54,609 --> 00:55:56,734
Don't lose heart, Fiddler.
446
00:55:57,028 --> 00:56:01,543
If there is a gravitzapa
on this Pluke, we'll get it.
447
00:56:02,138 --> 00:56:04,299
We've managed to get
even more difficult things!
448
00:56:08,958 --> 00:56:10,875
Quiet!
449
00:56:13,943 --> 00:56:16,361
Hey! Stop!
450
00:56:17,739 --> 00:56:20,784
Hey, would you give
us a ride to the Center?
451
00:56:20,993 --> 00:56:23,287
- Patzak! Stop there!
- What?
452
00:56:24,372 --> 00:56:27,405
Don't come any closer.
453
00:56:27,521 --> 00:56:30,545
- What do you want?
- Give us a ride to the Center!
454
00:56:30,649 --> 00:56:32,726
Three chatles.
455
00:56:33,340 --> 00:56:36,927
We have no money,
but we can work it off.
456
00:56:37,240 --> 00:56:39,004
What can you do?
457
00:56:39,576 --> 00:56:43,018
- Me? Anything!
- Be specific.
458
00:56:43,184 --> 00:56:46,834
Vladimir Nikolaevich
is a builder! A foreman!
459
00:56:47,043 --> 00:56:49,900
We'll build you a house!
460
00:56:50,109 --> 00:56:52,602
And what can YOU do?
461
00:56:52,758 --> 00:56:54,690
Me?
462
00:56:54,843 --> 00:56:57,012
He can play the fiddle!
463
00:56:58,264 --> 00:57:00,410
Play!
464
00:57:01,038 --> 00:57:05,330
- Play.
- I can't!
465
00:57:05,626 --> 00:57:07,410
Bye, Patzaks!
466
00:57:07,837 --> 00:57:13,093
Hey! Missy! Wait!
I can play!
467
00:57:13,093 --> 00:57:14,762
Do play!
468
00:57:14,762 --> 00:57:16,430
Here?
469
00:57:16,430 --> 00:57:18,506
There!
470
00:57:40,249 --> 00:57:44,208
Wait! I'll adjust the sound.
471
00:57:48,591 --> 00:57:50,877
Play!
472
00:57:54,139 --> 00:57:56,401
And sing!
473
00:58:00,355 --> 00:58:02,561
Okay, just a sec.
474
00:58:03,108 --> 00:58:05,037
How does it go...?
475
00:58:05,381 --> 00:58:11,242
Mommy, mommy, give me some advice.
Winter's coming with the frost and ice.
476
00:58:11,346 --> 00:58:12,910
Wow!
477
00:58:13,223 --> 00:58:14,391
What?
478
00:58:14,496 --> 00:58:17,475
- I said 'Wow!'
- Heh... People like it.
479
00:58:17,707 --> 00:58:21,327
- What?
- People like it!
480
00:58:39,774 --> 00:58:41,202
No.
481
00:58:42,047 --> 00:58:44,321
- I could drum.
- How's that?
482
00:58:47,574 --> 00:58:49,785
Foreman!
483
00:58:49,785 --> 00:58:51,992
Fiddler isn't needed.
484
00:58:54,165 --> 00:58:56,376
It's okay. He won't be a drag.
485
00:58:56,585 --> 00:59:01,044
- Come on, give us some water, huh?
- I said: 'after the performance'.
486
00:59:01,486 --> 00:59:04,625
We might as well just take it...
487
00:59:08,172 --> 00:59:10,779
by force.
Then you'd have to beg us.
488
00:59:10,851 --> 00:59:14,772
Oh really! You touch me, and an Etsilop
will come and rip your legs off.
489
00:59:14,772 --> 00:59:16,848
I don't give a damn about your Etsilop!
490
00:59:17,567 --> 00:59:20,667
Easy there, Fiddler.
Don't provoke the lady.
491
00:59:22,572 --> 00:59:24,779
Foreman!
492
00:59:36,463 --> 00:59:37,578
Watch!
493
00:59:44,826 --> 00:59:48,597
Okay, I get it. I get it.
494
00:59:49,186 --> 00:59:54,233
Look, do you have a friend with
a gravitzapa and a Pepelatz?
495
00:59:54,233 --> 00:59:55,901
What for?
496
00:59:55,901 --> 01:00:01,345
If you could give us a ride to Earth,
we'd give you each a box of matches.
497
01:00:01,950 --> 01:00:07,037
I get that no one believes in using words
here. Well, tell me what I'm thinking.
498
01:00:09,375 --> 01:00:13,129
That your wife must be
calling the morgues now.
499
01:00:13,129 --> 01:00:15,549
No. What am I thinking right now?
500
01:00:16,070 --> 01:00:18,043
That you'll do it.
501
01:00:18,531 --> 01:00:20,755
See? It's true!
502
01:00:20,971 --> 01:00:25,532
Ha! What kind of fool would
ever think the truth on Pluke!
503
01:00:27,020 --> 01:00:28,680
Absurd!
504
01:00:29,293 --> 01:00:32,943
And since you say
what you don't think
505
01:00:33,152 --> 01:00:35,237
and think what you don't think,
506
01:00:35,237 --> 01:00:38,116
you all sit in cages!
And on the whole
507
01:00:38,116 --> 01:00:43,121
all this bitter conflict
that I observe here...
508
01:00:43,121 --> 01:00:45,624
together with Vladimir Nikolaevich...
509
01:00:45,728 --> 01:00:49,795
Patzaks are to perform
in cages. So be it.
510
01:00:49,795 --> 01:00:51,881
Stop showing off!
511
01:00:51,881 --> 01:00:54,479
It's OK, darling. We'll be
singing here, right next to it.
512
01:00:54,801 --> 01:00:58,138
Get in. He spotted us.
You'll get us all tranklukated.
513
01:00:58,138 --> 01:01:01,341
- We are not animals.
- What?!
514
01:01:03,144 --> 01:01:08,557
- Now you'll get in! Get in!
- Let go! Stop it!
515
01:01:14,302 --> 01:01:17,576
Get in now,
or he'll melt us down!
516
01:01:18,119 --> 01:01:22,040
Well, if you insist...
Fiddler, let's get in.
517
01:01:22,457 --> 01:01:24,012
Go ahead.
518
01:01:29,799 --> 01:01:34,804
One, two, three...
519
01:01:34,804 --> 01:01:37,217
- Dance!
- Dance!
520
01:01:37,599 --> 01:01:42,013
You know what?
Go find some other band! Dude!
521
01:01:42,939 --> 01:01:45,354
What?!?!
522
01:01:55,494 --> 01:01:57,572
I'll be back. Stay put!
523
01:02:01,459 --> 01:02:03,128
We must get out of here.
524
01:02:03,128 --> 01:02:06,465
Boys, give the cart a push.
It's uphill.
525
01:02:06,465 --> 01:02:08,541
This, we'll do with pleasure.
526
01:02:17,019 --> 01:02:18,409
Punch it!
527
01:02:18,513 --> 01:02:21,085
Bye-bye! Losers!
528
01:02:41,755 --> 01:02:44,362
I will tell everyone...
529
01:02:44,570 --> 01:02:50,384
...where the planet is going
under this clown PG!
530
01:02:52,079 --> 01:02:57,596
Patzaks have no damn respect
for Chatlanians!
531
01:03:01,247 --> 01:03:02,811
Ku!
532
01:03:05,365 --> 01:03:08,490
Well? Is everything in there?
533
01:03:08,723 --> 01:03:10,786
She stole my cologne.
534
01:03:12,581 --> 01:03:14,241
Women.
535
01:03:20,382 --> 01:03:25,930
Let me...
What do you have in there? Bricks?
536
01:03:25,930 --> 01:03:27,590
I'll carry it, Uncle Vova.
537
01:04:05,933 --> 01:04:10,396
I don't even know
which way to look...
538
01:04:10,396 --> 01:04:12,473
Where is Earth?
539
01:04:29,313 --> 01:04:33,839
Galina Borisovna! Me and
comrade Mashkov, being Patzaks,
540
01:04:33,839 --> 01:04:38,303
could earn only 2 chatles
for a show. And that's at best.
541
01:04:38,303 --> 01:04:43,308
Water, luts, and fines to the Etsilops
cost a chatle a day... at least.
542
01:04:43,308 --> 01:04:48,314
And a gravitzapa is worth half
a ketze! That's 2,200 chatles.
543
01:04:48,314 --> 01:04:52,840
Divide by 365. Minus weekends.
Equals 6.
544
01:04:53,361 --> 01:04:57,741
I simply couldn't get
back in less than 6 years.
545
01:04:57,741 --> 01:05:02,017
Very well, Gedevan Alexandrovich,
but I only have your word for it.
546
01:05:02,225 --> 01:05:05,542
Do you have any proof that
you indeed returned from Space?
547
01:05:05,542 --> 01:05:09,013
Maybe, you simply sold the violin,
as Maestro Ragosin assume,
548
01:05:09,119 --> 01:05:12,977
...and then spent some
quality time, out in the disco.
549
01:05:13,321 --> 01:05:16,085
This is a mineral.
550
01:05:16,638 --> 01:05:19,425
This is a chatle.
551
01:05:20,517 --> 01:05:21,643
This is a tzak.
552
01:05:21,643 --> 01:05:23,854
A metal nut and
a sample of sand
553
01:05:23,854 --> 01:05:27,733
are included in the report
I handed in to the Dean's secretary.
554
01:05:27,733 --> 01:05:29,819
So they could forward
it to the United Nations.
555
01:05:29,819 --> 01:05:33,315
- Where?!
- The United Nations!
556
01:05:35,012 --> 01:05:38,141
You are a grown man,
Gedevan Alexandrovich.
557
01:05:38,349 --> 01:05:42,208
You studied here for a term,
and then disappeared for years.
558
01:05:42,312 --> 01:05:44,419
Now you show up
559
01:05:44,628 --> 01:05:45,880
with a pebble,
560
01:05:46,087 --> 01:05:50,509
a piece of Georgian ceramics
561
01:05:50,509 --> 01:05:53,304
and a little bell.
562
01:05:53,304 --> 01:05:55,390
And you expect us to...
563
01:05:55,390 --> 01:05:59,978
And by the way,
if you are so musical,
564
01:05:59,978 --> 01:06:04,191
why weren't you in
our student orchestra?
565
01:06:04,191 --> 01:06:08,901
Excuse me, Fiddler,
but this is elementary 'koo'!
566
01:06:10,657 --> 01:06:12,780
END OF PART ONE
567
01:06:12,944 --> 01:06:12,944
aj
568
01:06:13,986 --> 01:06:16,560
PART TWO
569
01:06:19,201 --> 01:06:24,415
CONCISE CHATLANIAN-PATZAK DICTIONARY
570
01:06:27,022 --> 01:06:32,754
ketze - match(es)
tzak - nose bell
571
01:06:34,927 --> 01:06:43,181
etsikh - container for prisoners
etsilop - law enforcement officer
572
01:06:45,272 --> 01:06:54,646
pepelatz - spaceship
gravitzapa - pepelatz engine component
573
01:06:57,786 --> 01:07:05,084
ku - socially acceptable swearword
koo - all other words
574
01:09:57,238 --> 01:09:59,616
- Hi!
- Hello.
575
01:09:59,928 --> 01:10:02,213
Long time no see!
576
01:10:02,619 --> 01:10:04,301
Bye!
577
01:10:04,475 --> 01:10:07,392
Hey! Hang on a sec.
578
01:10:08,313 --> 01:10:10,414
I have a proposition.
579
01:10:11,108 --> 01:10:13,502
What?
What?
580
01:10:16,176 --> 01:10:19,093
What do we think about you?
Come on!
581
01:10:19,930 --> 01:10:22,847
Read our minds.
582
01:10:25,520 --> 01:10:29,037
Stop pestering us.
What do you want?
583
01:10:29,232 --> 01:10:32,025
- Don't you have a conscience?
- And you?
584
01:10:32,069 --> 01:10:37,658
We're poor, miserable, hungry performers!
Have we mistreated you?
585
01:10:37,658 --> 01:10:39,735
Why do you keep harassing us?
586
01:10:42,289 --> 01:10:44,788
Give me your gadget for a sec.
587
01:10:47,292 --> 01:10:49,378
Tune it up.
588
01:10:55,074 --> 01:10:57,214
Good. Let's go for it.
589
01:11:04,084 --> 01:11:06,328
One, two, three...
590
01:11:06,566 --> 01:11:14,421
Mommy, mommy, what is to be done?
Koo!
591
01:11:14,630 --> 01:11:19,114
Mommy, mommy, winter is no fun.
592
01:11:26,320 --> 01:11:31,524
I don't have a coat to get warm,
593
01:11:31,733 --> 01:11:37,364
And no woollens for a snowstorm.
594
01:11:49,448 --> 01:11:52,318
Shut up! You're tone-deaf.
595
01:11:52,320 --> 01:11:57,117
Mommy, mommy, I cannot but grieve.
596
01:11:58,577 --> 01:12:02,748
Mommy, mommy, how shall I live?
597
01:12:20,253 --> 01:12:22,889
Uncle Vova, let's do it again!
598
01:12:23,027 --> 01:12:26,489
- They love it!
- They know a good thing...
599
01:12:26,573 --> 01:12:27,695
One, two...
600
01:12:28,658 --> 01:12:30,503
Etsilop!
601
01:12:54,959 --> 01:12:58,087
Hey, performers!
Where's our shipping cask?
602
01:12:58,192 --> 01:13:00,152
- Pepelatz?
- Yes.
603
01:13:00,569 --> 01:13:02,112
Over there.
604
01:13:02,238 --> 01:13:05,762
- We've run out of luts.
- All because of you, you bastard!
605
01:13:05,950 --> 01:13:09,468
Fiddler! Just what do you
think you're doing! Vandal!
606
01:13:09,663 --> 01:13:12,077
Listen, just leave me alone...
607
01:13:12,499 --> 01:13:18,423
My dear fellow...
This is a Last Breath, a grave,
608
01:13:19,005 --> 01:13:21,089
a cemetery.
609
01:13:25,222 --> 01:13:26,783
Checkmate!
610
01:13:28,351 --> 01:13:31,354
- A "semi-pro", you say?
- He's just bragging.
611
01:13:31,458 --> 01:13:33,836
That's not fair play! You are
scanning my brains to win.
612
01:13:33,940 --> 01:13:39,655
If you had brains, you'd be studying in the
University instead of messing around here.
613
01:13:39,697 --> 01:13:44,202
Let's play again. You bet the violin,
its container, and the tooth-stick.
614
01:13:44,202 --> 01:13:46,029
And this here.
615
01:13:46,079 --> 01:13:47,618
A deal?
616
01:13:47,914 --> 01:13:54,534
Well, okay! You bet the Widget,
the Visator, and Mr. Uef's life-base.
617
01:13:55,381 --> 01:13:58,380
- No objections.
- Let's play.
618
01:14:02,848 --> 01:14:04,892
Uncle Vova!
619
01:14:06,081 --> 01:14:08,271
It's "tzapa" you need to turn.
Tzapa!
620
01:14:08,437 --> 01:14:11,816
- Here, you do it yourself!
- Nothing doing. I am Chatlanian.
621
01:14:12,129 --> 01:14:14,110
Get outta here!
622
01:14:14,215 --> 01:14:17,343
When you need advice,
a Chatlanian is around.
623
01:14:17,345 --> 01:14:18,910
When you need work to be done,...
624
01:14:18,917 --> 01:14:21,907
- Fool's mate!
- It's not fair play!
625
01:14:22,036 --> 01:14:24,435
You deliberately didn't think
my moves over well enough!
626
01:14:24,539 --> 01:14:26,363
Then use your own brains to play.
627
01:14:26,416 --> 01:14:29,868
How can he use his own brains, when
he's never seen these figurines before.
628
01:14:29,920 --> 01:14:34,043
- Not my problem. Give me my winnings.
- No way.
629
01:14:34,258 --> 01:14:37,971
Uef, have you ever seen such a little Patzak
630
01:14:38,076 --> 01:14:40,995
to be such a mercantile ku?
631
01:14:41,099 --> 01:14:44,800
Never. I said that Fiddler wasn't
needed. Here's the result!
632
01:14:46,063 --> 01:14:48,563
Hey! Chief!
633
01:14:53,196 --> 01:14:55,904
And you said "tzapa"!
634
01:15:03,458 --> 01:15:06,459
So, nobody sings in cages
there, on Earth?
635
01:15:08,130 --> 01:15:13,717
Mr. Be, on Earth
only wild animals are kept in cages.
636
01:15:13,761 --> 01:15:16,218
Are animals Chatlanians?
637
01:15:16,514 --> 01:15:20,263
I don't know. It looks like that.
638
01:15:21,186 --> 01:15:25,336
- Is Nightingale Patzak?
- Why Patzak?
639
01:15:25,441 --> 01:15:28,444
You said he sings without a cage.
640
01:15:28,653 --> 01:15:33,033
- Well, Patzak then.
- Ah! You see!
641
01:15:33,450 --> 01:15:37,652
You've got the same serious racism.
Just like us... here, on Pluke.
642
01:15:37,809 --> 01:15:40,583
Only, the power belongs not
to Chatlanians but to Patzaks...
643
01:15:40,791 --> 01:15:45,454
like you and your friend Nightingale.
644
01:16:28,345 --> 01:16:30,532
Let me do it.
645
01:17:10,017 --> 01:17:12,603
Here, four gulps.
646
01:17:13,124 --> 01:17:15,305
First... the young one.
647
01:17:16,941 --> 01:17:22,519
That would be 6042 matchboxes.
Fiddler, write it down.
648
01:17:23,490 --> 01:17:25,650
I did.
649
01:17:38,945 --> 01:17:41,214
Want some?
650
01:17:42,261 --> 01:17:44,135
No.
651
01:17:45,244 --> 01:17:47,535
For free.
652
01:18:01,116 --> 01:18:05,028
What do you think you're doing?
What about me?! me?! me?!
653
01:18:09,208 --> 01:18:12,910
10 more matchboxes on me.
Go pump some more water.
654
01:18:22,265 --> 01:18:24,534
Kin-Dza-Dza!
655
01:18:38,116 --> 01:18:41,328
- A boat!
- It's not a boat.
656
01:18:41,537 --> 01:18:44,248
- It's a luts station.
- Let's refuel!
657
01:18:44,331 --> 01:18:48,503
- Not here!
- It's automatic. The next one is operated by a woman.
658
01:18:48,607 --> 01:18:51,834
We'll give a performance.
She'll give us a discount. Got it?
659
01:18:52,090 --> 01:18:53,967
Stop slacking, uncle Vova!
660
01:18:53,967 --> 01:18:57,086
Let's move! Let's move! Come on!
661
01:19:01,309 --> 01:19:04,646
If this used to be a sea, why
aren't there any seashells?
662
01:19:05,146 --> 01:19:07,934
Do you still have seas on Earth?
663
01:19:07,983 --> 01:19:14,485
We have seas, rivers,
and decent people, Mr. Uef.
664
01:19:15,408 --> 01:19:18,717
Barbarians! I feel like crying!
665
01:19:19,344 --> 01:19:24,558
Mommy, mommy, what is to be done?
666
01:19:27,588 --> 01:19:31,760
Mommy, mommy, winter is no fun!
667
01:19:32,803 --> 01:19:36,974
I don't have a coat to get warm
668
01:19:40,102 --> 01:19:45,317
And no woollens for a snowstorm!
669
01:19:46,735 --> 01:19:51,136
I wish my boss saw me now.
I'd get a pay rise!
670
01:19:51,240 --> 01:19:54,567
Hush, Uncle Vova! The lady is watching us.
671
01:20:21,336 --> 01:20:25,480
They took the woman away,
and put in a vending machine.
672
01:20:27,239 --> 01:20:32,527
Buy as much as we can afford.
We'll fly part of the way at least.
673
01:20:34,706 --> 01:20:41,208
Luts is not sold in parts. It costs
10 chatles apiece. But we have only 7.
674
01:20:56,146 --> 01:21:00,398
- How far is the Center?
- 100 miles.
675
01:21:00,818 --> 01:21:04,063
Uncle Vova, Uef has more chatles.
676
01:21:05,490 --> 01:21:07,364
In his right boot.
677
01:21:14,792 --> 01:21:16,666
Hey! Chatlanian!
678
01:21:18,004 --> 01:21:19,461
What?
679
01:21:20,424 --> 01:21:22,877
Take off your right boot.
680
01:21:23,219 --> 01:21:24,333
What for?
681
01:21:25,575 --> 01:21:27,368
C'mon! Koo! Koo!
682
01:21:46,286 --> 01:21:51,159
- Koo-oo?!
- Ku! A pest!
683
01:21:58,216 --> 01:22:00,312
Squat!
684
01:22:00,511 --> 01:22:03,298
Why? They aren't Etsilops, are they?
685
01:22:03,410 --> 01:22:06,535
It's PG and his Patzak!
If you don't squat...,
686
01:22:06,536 --> 01:22:09,665
and they find it out...
that's "etsikh" with nails for life!
687
01:22:09,750 --> 01:22:12,429
- But who is he?
- Shh!
688
01:22:21,951 --> 01:22:26,519
- Oh! Was it a video?
- Huh... Holography, my friend!
689
01:22:26,623 --> 01:22:28,615
The violin!
690
01:22:32,213 --> 01:22:35,962
Easy! Stand still! Freeze!
691
01:22:42,475 --> 01:22:44,661
And you said "koo!"
692
01:23:01,746 --> 01:23:07,086
It's not a blimp, you moron!
It's the Last Breath of Mister PG.
693
01:23:07,190 --> 01:23:08,625
Nonsense!
694
01:23:09,714 --> 01:23:14,840
How could one man breathe out
so much air while dying? Absurd!
695
01:23:14,945 --> 01:23:18,908
Don't you fear Heaven?
PG is alive, and I'm happy!
696
01:23:19,099 --> 01:23:21,223
And I'm even happier!
697
01:24:02,356 --> 01:24:06,945
There you go.
Okay, climb inside.
698
01:24:07,070 --> 01:24:08,738
- Plastic?
- No.
699
01:24:09,155 --> 01:24:11,992
Isn't there a conventional
entrance to this mall?
700
01:24:11,992 --> 01:24:15,741
For the conventional entrance,
my dear, we'd have to pay in chatles.
701
01:25:24,198 --> 01:25:26,607
- Come on, let's go.
- Get lost!
702
01:26:05,203 --> 01:26:08,038
Fiddler! Patzaks go there.
703
01:26:28,771 --> 01:26:35,049
- What are they doing?
- It's Mister PG's 4th Pump.
704
01:26:35,174 --> 01:26:39,649
- I love PG very much.
- I koo him even more!
705
01:27:02,768 --> 01:27:06,517
Here they make water out of luts.
706
01:27:35,972 --> 01:27:39,842
- What are they shouting?
- They are selling.
707
01:27:41,520 --> 01:27:45,524
- Selling what?
- Everything.
708
01:27:45,524 --> 01:27:47,184
Let's buy a gravitzapa!
709
01:27:48,152 --> 01:27:50,310
Gravitzapa is in
another department.
710
01:27:50,989 --> 01:27:53,776
First we need to find
out Tenture of Earth.
711
01:28:00,416 --> 01:28:03,251
Yellow pants... double koo!
712
01:28:30,700 --> 01:28:35,861
Think! The diameter
of your planet's orbit.
713
01:28:37,812 --> 01:28:40,117
I don't remember.
Fiddler, take over.
714
01:28:40,336 --> 01:28:42,412
No! Fiddler isn't needed.
You do it!
715
01:28:43,923 --> 01:28:45,797
Whatever.
716
01:28:48,637 --> 01:28:52,386
Specific weight of your
planet's core. Think!
717
01:28:52,433 --> 01:28:55,220
Specific weight?
No, I can't remember.
718
01:28:55,436 --> 01:28:57,310
I see.
719
01:28:59,023 --> 01:29:03,733
The names of other planets in your
galaxy, as many as you know. Think!
720
01:29:05,614 --> 01:29:08,764
Jupiter, Mars, Saturn, Venus...
721
01:29:08,972 --> 01:29:12,831
Hey! My image sensing crystal!
Where's my image sensing crystal? Huh?!
722
01:29:12,956 --> 01:29:14,929
Fiddler! Put it back!
723
01:29:15,042 --> 01:29:19,751
I thought it was a trifle,
just a piece of glass.
724
01:29:21,674 --> 01:29:23,548
Shabby nitwit.
725
01:29:25,950 --> 01:29:30,559
Enough. Stop rattling
your brains. Moron!
726
01:29:30,809 --> 01:29:35,810
Here is your planet: 013 in Tenture,
just left of the Big Dipper.
727
01:29:36,733 --> 01:29:39,568
If you wanna talk,
that's a chatle extra.
728
01:29:39,611 --> 01:29:42,605
- Come again?
- Your phone number! Think!
729
01:29:45,242 --> 01:29:48,286
And tell them about the matches.
730
01:30:00,155 --> 01:30:03,782
Hello.
Hello. Speaking.
731
01:30:04,347 --> 01:30:06,035
Speak into this thing.
732
01:30:06,120 --> 01:30:10,728
Hello!
Hello, please, speak!
733
01:30:12,106 --> 01:30:15,443
- Hello!
- Speak! Time is running!
734
01:30:15,443 --> 01:30:18,050
Hello!
Lucy!
735
01:30:18,175 --> 01:30:20,981
- Vovka?!
- Can you hear me? It's me!
736
01:30:21,116 --> 01:30:23,070
Vovka! Where are you?!
737
01:30:23,911 --> 01:30:27,893
I'm here... How are you there?
How's our son?
738
01:30:27,957 --> 01:30:30,856
Where on Earth...
Where are you, Vovka?!
739
01:30:30,960 --> 01:30:34,814
Well, I am here, at some place.
I will explain later.
740
01:30:35,257 --> 01:30:39,006
Is Mom well?
Have you visited her?
741
01:30:39,007 --> 01:30:40,780
- Yes, I have.
- And?!
742
01:30:41,034 --> 01:30:43,715
I'm asking you: "Where are you?"
743
01:30:45,435 --> 01:30:50,670
Listen, Patzak woman! Stop getting at him!
Go buy 2 boxes of ketze!
744
01:30:50,880 --> 01:30:53,278
- Or we'll find him a younger one.
- Damn it!
745
01:30:53,381 --> 01:30:56,107
Lucy! Lucy...
746
01:30:58,032 --> 01:31:00,907
Lucy, my darling!
747
01:31:00,952 --> 01:31:02,992
Lucy...
748
01:31:03,017 --> 01:31:08,398
Lucy! Please, dial up Manokhin!
749
01:31:08,607 --> 01:31:12,549
Tell him that the keys to the
fitting shop are in my trailer,
750
01:31:12,670 --> 01:31:16,215
under the locker, on the floor.
Have you understood all?
751
01:31:16,762 --> 01:31:19,680
Oh, yeah. I understood "all".
752
01:31:21,476 --> 01:31:27,149
Please, dial Batumi 3-47-57
and ask for Alik.
753
01:31:27,149 --> 01:31:30,898
No! Take a walk. Thief.
754
01:31:58,267 --> 01:32:01,954
Is something wrong?
Huh?
755
01:32:03,940 --> 01:32:07,736
Everything's fine.
Only Earth is very far away.
756
01:32:07,736 --> 01:32:10,523
It'll take 7 minutes instead of 5
to warm up the engine.
757
01:32:10,573 --> 01:32:14,322
So, let's go and prepare
the tzapa for the gravitzapa.
758
01:32:15,244 --> 01:32:19,040
Hey, astronauts!
Which one is tzapa?
759
01:32:19,040 --> 01:32:22,160
It is that one... the rusty nut,
my dear friend.
760
01:32:23,754 --> 01:32:26,149
Everything is rusty here!
761
01:32:26,591 --> 01:32:29,426
That one is the rustiest
762
01:32:35,476 --> 01:32:38,311
What the hell! Are you nuts?
763
01:32:38,854 --> 01:32:41,190
Oh-oh! My-my!
764
01:32:41,399 --> 01:32:46,923
Lucy and Manokhin have "teleported!"
Big deal!
765
01:32:53,913 --> 01:32:56,101
Uncle Vova!
766
01:32:56,875 --> 01:32:59,336
The match was in the field cap!
767
01:32:59,628 --> 01:33:02,232
Weird... Why would they leave?
768
01:33:02,423 --> 01:33:07,783
Weird?! Now they have a match to buy a
gravitzapa and they know Tenture of Earth!
769
01:33:09,055 --> 01:33:11,238
Comrade Etsilop!
770
01:33:12,490 --> 01:33:16,768
Comrade Etsilop!
They stole from us!
771
01:33:17,523 --> 01:33:21,354
Please, catch them!
772
01:33:21,877 --> 01:33:25,422
Koo!
Catch them!
773
01:33:25,824 --> 01:33:27,481
40 chatles.
774
01:33:27,910 --> 01:33:30,756
No chatles!
The tour guide has got 'em all!
775
01:33:30,965 --> 01:33:32,529
And the violin is also not theirs!
776
01:33:32,623 --> 01:33:36,211
They didn't koo before the PG's image!
777
01:33:36,524 --> 01:33:39,549
What are you staring at?
What the hell are you staring at?
778
01:33:39,652 --> 01:33:42,718
I will tell your bosses that
you knew and took no action.
779
01:33:42,822 --> 01:33:46,681
You'll be frickin' tranklukated!
Got it?
780
01:33:46,910 --> 01:33:48,871
I did take action!
781
01:33:48,996 --> 01:33:53,679
I pressed the 'kappa'
right away. Fiddler will confirm!
782
01:33:53,897 --> 01:33:58,099
All units! There's a runaway.
A cask with castor wheels. Koo!
783
01:34:01,468 --> 01:34:04,716
- There's nothing in there.
- Open it.
784
01:34:05,660 --> 01:34:07,737
Let him see.
785
01:34:21,386 --> 01:34:23,469
It's vinegar.
786
01:34:23,597 --> 01:34:25,471
Mind your own business.
787
01:34:37,738 --> 01:34:44,323
The Patzak will be tranklukated.
The Chatlanian will get etsikh for life, with nails.
788
01:34:50,419 --> 01:34:55,171
Brothers! Brothers!
My dear fellow Patzaks!
789
01:34:55,277 --> 01:34:58,741
Tell them the truth!
I was squatting!
790
01:34:58,844 --> 01:35:02,725
It's this Chatlanian
who was pressing the kappa.
791
01:35:03,351 --> 01:35:04,998
- Shut up!
- Uncle Vova!
792
01:35:05,102 --> 01:35:08,752
- Shut up, parasite!
- "You" shut up!
793
01:35:08,857 --> 01:35:10,855
Vovka, my friend!
794
01:35:10,960 --> 01:35:13,463
- Gedevan Alexandrovich! Confrere!
- Don't listen to him!
795
01:35:13,612 --> 01:35:18,050
Tell them it was him!
He was the one who did not squat!
796
01:35:18,200 --> 01:35:22,362
- And I will present you with the Pepelatz!
- Uncle Vova, the Pepelatz is mine!
797
01:35:23,039 --> 01:35:26,481
Calm down! Calm down...
798
01:35:27,732 --> 01:35:30,131
Hang on a sec.
799
01:35:30,589 --> 01:35:36,213
Nobody railed at anyone.
Everybody squatted like chimps.
800
01:35:35,902 --> 01:35:37,466
I got confused.
801
01:35:38,140 --> 01:35:41,056
And it was me who
brought the ketze here.
802
01:35:43,917 --> 01:35:48,477
- What ketze?
- The match you took out of the field cap.
803
01:35:48,526 --> 01:35:51,296
There was no match! None!
804
01:35:51,321 --> 01:35:54,029
Uncle Vova! My dear fellow!
What's the matter with you?
805
01:35:54,178 --> 01:35:57,140
Sorry, I forgot. There was no match.
806
01:35:58,412 --> 01:36:00,487
None.
807
01:36:02,667 --> 01:36:07,581
You both get "etsikh" for life,
without nails, until the penalty is paid.
808
01:36:07,686 --> 01:36:11,336
The penalty is 500 chatles.
250 chatles per head.
809
01:36:12,094 --> 01:36:13,835
Thank you!
810
01:36:13,972 --> 01:36:19,248
Patzak, fix the violin and sing your songs!
Fiddler, tune up the Widget!
811
01:36:19,353 --> 01:36:23,832
Guys, about the match...
It was a joke! Just for fun!
812
01:36:25,318 --> 01:36:27,192
Bye-bye!
813
01:36:29,070 --> 01:36:34,701
Across the river, across the river,
on the other river bank,
814
01:36:34,911 --> 01:36:40,751
Koo!
...my Mary is... Uuuuh
815
01:36:45,236 --> 01:36:48,232
Hello, Earthling!
816
01:36:48,281 --> 01:36:52,631
"I am sure, one day you would
reach this planet as well."
817
01:36:55,477 --> 01:37:00,753
"Greetings from Vladimir Nikolaevich
Mashkov, a builder from Moscow,"
818
01:37:00,858 --> 01:37:04,070
"and Gedevan Alexidze from Batumi,"
819
01:37:05,112 --> 01:37:08,658
"who were the first to set foot
onto these wretched sands"
820
01:37:08,762 --> 01:37:10,483
"in this god-forsaken corner
of the Universe."
821
01:37:10,598 --> 01:37:14,686
Brother Patzak, throw in some
more "ruberoid". The pottage is too thin.
822
01:37:14,790 --> 01:37:17,179
Then give me something else.
823
01:37:29,473 --> 01:37:35,855
"Maybe by this time, some people
who knew me are still alive."
824
01:37:36,064 --> 01:37:39,813
"Please, tell them that
I did not steal the violin."
825
01:37:39,860 --> 01:37:42,943
Look! As good as new.
826
01:37:48,328 --> 01:37:51,164
Here is a small piece left.
827
01:37:51,164 --> 01:37:54,913
That happens...
sometimes...
828
01:38:08,642 --> 01:38:10,102
Rich in calories?
829
01:38:10,207 --> 01:38:13,919
Earthlings! You really shouldn't
have pressed the keys like that!
830
01:38:14,023 --> 01:38:17,986
It wasn't easy to track you down.
Thank God! The gadget has built-in memory.
831
01:38:19,133 --> 01:38:21,343
Here's your socks. Thank you.
832
01:38:21,365 --> 01:38:24,202
If you wish, I can teleport
you back to Earth.
833
01:38:24,202 --> 01:38:26,287
I found out your Tenture number.
834
01:38:26,600 --> 01:38:31,164
But hurry up! One second
here is half a year there.
835
01:38:31,835 --> 01:38:34,713
Then I have a proposition.
We rush to Earth now,
836
01:38:34,818 --> 01:38:39,990
get some matches, come back here,
sell them and buy our guys out.
837
01:38:40,094 --> 01:38:43,410
- Then we go to Moscow, and you go home.
- I can't do that. The battery has charge only for 3 trips.
838
01:38:43,515 --> 01:38:48,270
But that's perfect! Just enough
to go there, here and back again.
839
01:38:48,813 --> 01:38:50,556
And what about me?!
840
01:38:51,774 --> 01:38:53,055
Well, friend...
841
01:39:03,287 --> 01:39:06,744
Make up your minds. Yes or no?
I'm counting to three. One...
842
01:39:06,958 --> 01:39:08,644
- Wait.
- Two...
843
01:39:08,752 --> 01:39:12,168
Well, put yourself in my shoes.
The guys are doing time because of me.
844
01:39:12,423 --> 01:39:17,212
And my little son has a beard like
this by now! Two and a half...
845
01:39:17,512 --> 01:39:21,095
- Two and a half!
- I... cannot do this.
846
01:39:22,392 --> 01:39:24,747
Three.
847
01:39:41,476 --> 01:39:44,872
Argh! Who needs all this stuff...
848
01:39:45,168 --> 01:39:47,741
All these craps-tzaks,
all this trash!
849
01:40:00,935 --> 01:40:04,304
And where did you get this? Huh?
850
01:40:04,919 --> 01:40:08,727
Ugh... In the planetarium. It was
just lying around on a shelf.
851
01:40:09,111 --> 01:40:10,392
Fiddler...
852
01:40:11,698 --> 01:40:15,634
My little klepto...
You snatched up a gravitzapa!
853
01:41:05,988 --> 01:41:08,174
Patzaks! Patzaks!
854
01:41:08,595 --> 01:41:14,058
How come you sing here standing?
Standing is allowed only over there.
855
01:41:14,310 --> 01:41:20,275
- An Etsilop didn't let us in there.
- Here you can sing only on your knees.
856
01:41:20,483 --> 01:41:22,603
Thanks, we are fine as we are.
857
01:41:22,736 --> 01:41:25,937
Come on, you can spare some coins!
858
01:41:27,032 --> 01:41:30,027
Well, well, well...
859
01:41:33,574 --> 01:41:36,077
Now behave yourselves.
860
01:41:57,525 --> 01:42:00,152
Strangers in the koo...
861
01:42:13,585 --> 01:42:15,374
Uncle Vova!
862
01:42:16,088 --> 01:42:19,549
There comes your coat
with my fur cap on top.
863
01:42:19,884 --> 01:42:21,354
Hi!
864
01:42:23,554 --> 01:42:25,427
How's life?
865
01:42:28,059 --> 01:42:32,436
What's new on Pluke?
866
01:42:36,027 --> 01:42:38,291
Sing.
867
01:42:42,013 --> 01:42:45,486
Well, we are in bad voice today.
868
01:42:45,996 --> 01:42:47,452
Sing!
869
01:43:58,578 --> 01:44:00,784
Vladimir Nikolaevich,...
870
01:44:00,956 --> 01:44:05,122
- I can't stand this any longer.
- Easy now, Fiddler.
871
01:44:07,588 --> 01:44:10,705
- What's this worth?
- One hundred.
872
01:44:10,884 --> 01:44:14,177
Okay... Looks like
we have sung enough.
873
01:44:15,305 --> 01:44:19,015
- And this one?
- Fifty.
874
01:44:23,690 --> 01:44:25,563
Etsilop!
875
01:44:34,619 --> 01:44:36,361
Patzaks!
876
01:44:36,871 --> 01:44:39,665
Why aren't you wearing muzzles?
877
01:44:40,083 --> 01:44:41,747
Turn around!
878
01:44:42,085 --> 01:44:44,398
New order from Mister PG.
879
01:44:44,588 --> 01:44:49,817
Now all Patzaks must wear
muzzles... and be happy!
880
01:44:50,261 --> 01:44:52,443
Okay, "this" here is for me.
881
01:44:52,639 --> 01:44:55,370
...and "this" is for you.
882
01:44:55,851 --> 01:44:57,783
...and "this" one is for you.
883
01:44:57,978 --> 01:45:04,101
Why aren't you happy?
Did you hear me? Huh?
884
01:45:05,111 --> 01:45:08,277
Raise your tranklukator, Chatlanian!
885
01:45:08,800 --> 01:45:11,407
Aah!
886
01:45:12,912 --> 01:45:15,112
- Put it on!
- Yes, sir!
887
01:45:15,581 --> 01:45:17,763
And be happy!
888
01:45:18,376 --> 01:45:20,681
I am so happy!
889
01:45:20,879 --> 01:45:22,473
Oh, look!
PG is over here!
890
01:45:23,966 --> 01:45:26,207
Where?
891
01:45:30,723 --> 01:45:32,884
Get up!
892
01:45:34,645 --> 01:45:36,886
Get up!
893
01:45:37,523 --> 01:45:39,660
Open your mouth!
894
01:45:39,900 --> 01:45:41,793
Open wider!
895
01:45:42,278 --> 01:45:45,980
Fiddler! Bring a gag!
896
01:45:47,534 --> 01:45:49,654
Quickly!
897
01:45:50,621 --> 01:45:53,143
[Swearing in Georgian]
898
01:45:53,416 --> 01:45:54,993
Turn around!
899
01:45:57,545 --> 01:45:59,088
And your nose!
900
01:46:01,341 --> 01:46:03,583
Give us our money back!
901
01:46:05,638 --> 01:46:08,508
Okay. Here, hold this.
...like this.
902
01:46:11,102 --> 01:46:13,556
Take this off!
903
01:46:15,440 --> 01:46:18,608
And if you think
it's not a tranklukator,
904
01:46:18,736 --> 01:46:22,270
it will be the last frickin' thought
in your dumb Chatlanian head!
905
01:46:22,574 --> 01:46:26,303
Show us the shortest way to the Etsikh.
Go!
906
01:46:26,995 --> 01:46:31,324
Everybody down!
Stay put for half an hour!
907
01:46:35,171 --> 01:46:37,245
- Move!
- Move!
908
01:46:38,800 --> 01:46:40,922
Faster!
909
01:46:51,064 --> 01:46:53,772
Excuse us, granny.
910
01:47:02,994 --> 01:47:05,201
That was PG's Mother!
911
01:47:33,424 --> 01:47:35,185
A video?
912
01:47:35,607 --> 01:47:38,005
In the flesh!
913
01:47:39,035 --> 01:47:43,244
Everybody!
Get in the washtub! Now!
914
01:47:54,594 --> 01:47:56,652
Open the door!
915
01:47:59,433 --> 01:48:03,558
And stay put the whole day!
Koo? or not koo?
916
01:48:31,135 --> 01:48:32,927
Here it is.
917
01:48:39,311 --> 01:48:43,186
- What number?
- The latest.
918
01:49:10,012 --> 01:49:12,449
Well, hello there.
919
01:49:14,642 --> 01:49:16,679
Hey! Chatlanian!
920
01:49:17,187 --> 01:49:20,849
- Sing!
- Fiddler, stop it.
921
01:49:23,611 --> 01:49:26,859
Roll out the the preceding one!
922
01:49:38,648 --> 01:49:41,017
Get lost!
923
01:49:55,605 --> 01:49:58,096
Hello,
Gedevan Alexandrovich.
924
01:49:59,109 --> 01:50:00,997
['Hello' in Georgian]
925
01:50:02,655 --> 01:50:04,278
Climb out.
926
01:50:06,534 --> 01:50:10,618
- We can't.
- They'll catch us.
927
01:50:15,169 --> 01:50:16,792
Stop!
928
01:50:20,133 --> 01:50:22,362
We have a gravitzapa.
929
01:50:26,222 --> 01:50:28,099
Ouch!
930
01:50:37,110 --> 01:50:40,311
- Koo, Uncle Vova!
- Koo, koo.
931
01:50:41,469 --> 01:50:43,574
Cut it through.
932
01:50:44,452 --> 01:50:46,572
Right here.
933
01:50:53,107 --> 01:50:57,086
- Koo!
- Push it out!
934
01:51:06,101 --> 01:51:10,707
Uncle Vova! Please help
me roll the etsikh out!
935
01:51:11,274 --> 01:51:14,234
- Leave it!
- Vladimir Nikolaevich!
936
01:51:14,402 --> 01:51:19,072
Humankind worked for millenniums
just to get one rock from the Moon!
937
01:51:19,262 --> 01:51:22,891
And here we have a live alien
and an etsikh...
938
01:51:22,995 --> 01:51:25,280
...made of unknown metal!
939
01:51:25,978 --> 01:51:28,416
I said... leave it!
940
01:51:48,670 --> 01:51:51,811
- Tzapa.
- Yes, sir, tzapa.
941
01:51:53,592 --> 01:51:57,779
- Tzapa!
- Press the tzapa!
- I did! I did!
942
01:52:01,476 --> 01:52:03,781
- Are we flying already?
- Starting it up...
943
01:52:03,895 --> 01:52:07,665
Let's hurry up, guys!
Before they come to their senses!
944
01:52:07,942 --> 01:52:10,190
Don't get in the way!
945
01:52:32,448 --> 01:52:36,675
- We've landed.
- Landed where?
946
01:52:38,539 --> 01:52:40,623
On Hanut.
947
01:52:41,750 --> 01:52:43,688
What's "Hanut"?
948
01:52:43,836 --> 01:52:48,775
- The planet where I was born.
- Me too.
949
01:52:50,427 --> 01:52:53,905
- It's night.
- Now it's always night here.
950
01:52:54,056 --> 01:52:56,652
- Put this on.
- What for?
951
01:52:56,767 --> 01:53:01,637
- There's no frickin' air here.
- So, how do you live here?
952
01:53:01,836 --> 01:53:04,816
Nobody has lived here for years.
953
01:53:05,298 --> 01:53:09,863
Plukians tranklukated the planet
while we were on tour.
954
01:53:10,137 --> 01:53:11,147
Why?
955
01:53:11,284 --> 01:53:15,279
- So that we didn't get them first.
- Why did you want to get them?
956
01:53:15,455 --> 01:53:18,759
So that they weren't hovering over us!
957
01:53:19,001 --> 01:53:22,431
- And all perished?
- Of course!
958
01:53:23,464 --> 01:53:25,799
Vovka, I have a proposition.
959
01:53:26,009 --> 01:53:30,113
- This planet now costs peanuts.
- 63 chatles.
960
01:53:30,222 --> 01:53:33,161
We sing 'Mommy' around the galaxy for a month...
961
01:53:33,288 --> 01:53:35,059
...and the planet is ours!
962
01:53:35,123 --> 01:53:39,396
- Another month and we'll buy the air.
- 93 chatles.
963
01:53:39,503 --> 01:53:43,145
Everyone who has no air
will rush straight here.
964
01:53:43,299 --> 01:53:44,689
The air belongs to us.
965
01:53:44,780 --> 01:53:48,172
They will crawl before us,
and we will spit on them.
966
01:53:48,263 --> 01:53:49,072
What for?
967
01:53:49,201 --> 01:53:53,428
- To derive enjoyment!
- How can anyone enjoy that?
968
01:53:53,540 --> 01:53:56,354
Heh... He's just too young.
969
01:53:56,480 --> 01:54:00,710
Half of the planet will be yours,
the other half... ours. A deal?
970
01:54:02,007 --> 01:54:04,916
This is very tempting.
971
01:54:05,553 --> 01:54:08,255
But, guys, we need to go back to Earth.
972
01:54:08,598 --> 01:54:12,738
Hurry up, the grocery
closes in half an hour.
973
01:54:16,294 --> 01:54:19,246
Vovka, relax.
974
01:54:21,947 --> 01:54:23,524
Look!
975
01:54:27,369 --> 01:54:29,474
We are here.
976
01:54:30,227 --> 01:54:31,915
Earth is there.
977
01:54:32,041 --> 01:54:36,289
- And this is Alpha.
- On Alpha they turn us into cactuses.
978
01:54:37,339 --> 01:54:40,212
Earth, my dear fellow,
is in Anti-Tenture.
979
01:54:40,426 --> 01:54:44,421
There is no way we can
get there. You see?
980
01:54:44,597 --> 01:54:45,671
How's that?
981
01:54:45,849 --> 01:54:50,058
That's how it is.
It's just my luck, really.
982
01:54:50,437 --> 01:54:53,976
A Pepelatz cannot make it to Earth!
983
01:54:54,316 --> 01:54:57,166
And stop blabbing!
Okay?
984
01:54:57,445 --> 01:55:00,019
Let's go! We have
a planet to divide.
985
01:55:10,626 --> 01:55:13,332
Did you learn about
this in the planetarium?
986
01:55:13,588 --> 01:55:15,462
Yes, my friend.
987
01:55:16,216 --> 01:55:18,968
That's why you stole the match?
988
01:55:19,511 --> 01:55:24,538
- Of course!
- Uncle Vova, they are lying!
989
01:55:25,059 --> 01:55:28,183
Don't believe them!
990
01:55:28,980 --> 01:55:31,602
Take us to Earth, now!
991
01:55:32,735 --> 01:55:36,424
No, Gedevan.
They are not lying.
992
01:55:36,948 --> 01:55:42,987
They'd crawl across the Universe on their
stomachs for a chance to get some matches.
993
01:56:00,724 --> 01:56:03,929
Vovka, it's a silly thing to do.
994
01:56:04,187 --> 01:56:07,223
This air has only 2% oxygen.
995
01:57:12,889 --> 01:57:14,799
Gedevan...
996
01:57:16,101 --> 01:57:19,352
Don't do this, you are young.
You should live!
997
01:57:19,939 --> 01:57:22,745
Maybe, things will change.
998
01:57:24,068 --> 01:57:28,214
Fiddler isn't needed, Uncle Vova.
999
01:57:43,945 --> 01:57:47,209
Hey, Patzak!
1000
01:57:52,350 --> 01:57:55,927
You'll kick the bucket
in a minute, so...
1001
01:57:56,563 --> 01:57:59,223
For once, tell the truth!
1002
01:57:59,442 --> 01:58:04,817
You could have let that guy
teleport you. Why didn't you?
1003
01:58:05,198 --> 01:58:07,364
What did you want?
1004
01:58:08,619 --> 01:58:12,372
Pink pants?
PG's swimming pool?
1005
01:58:12,623 --> 01:58:15,789
Tell us,
what did you want?
1006
01:58:21,758 --> 01:58:26,633
Gedevan! Dear friend!
You tell me.
1007
01:58:26,764 --> 01:58:29,434
You can trust me!
We are two of a kind.
1008
01:58:29,642 --> 01:58:33,833
My mother is Georgian.
Well, used to be...
1009
01:58:34,564 --> 01:58:39,779
[Both speaking in Georgian]
1010
01:58:43,992 --> 01:58:48,738
He says his mother used
to be a local Georgian.
1011
01:58:49,081 --> 01:58:52,120
Uef! You do what you want...
1012
01:58:52,230 --> 01:58:55,979
but I will take them to Alpha! Koo!
1013
01:58:56,084 --> 01:58:59,009
- Ku!
- And you, lousy Chatlanian,...
1014
01:58:59,175 --> 01:59:02,970
...put on a tzak! And squat
when you speak to a Patzak!
1015
01:59:03,097 --> 01:59:06,301
Hanut, my dear fellow,
is a Patzak planet!
1016
01:59:09,812 --> 01:59:12,126
Repeat it again.
1017
01:59:12,357 --> 01:59:18,625
You eject us onto Alpha while
trying to slow down in Alpha's orbit.
1018
01:59:18,864 --> 01:59:23,014
- To slow down... My foot!
- Don't interrupt!
1019
01:59:24,537 --> 01:59:26,719
Go on, my friend.
1020
01:59:26,873 --> 01:59:30,706
On Alpha, when they
transport us back to Earth,
1021
01:59:30,920 --> 01:59:34,538
we must hold on to the bottom of
the space-teleportation gadget.
1022
01:59:34,736 --> 01:59:37,123
In this way the gadget will be
teleported with us.
1023
01:59:37,302 --> 01:59:42,901
On Earth we must buy you
four bags full of matches.
1024
01:59:44,184 --> 01:59:45,887
Go on, my friend.
1025
01:59:46,103 --> 01:59:49,058
How many times do
we have to go over it?
1026
01:59:49,482 --> 01:59:51,213
Let's fly, shall we?
1027
01:59:51,317 --> 01:59:55,644
Because of you, I will
end up in a pot forever!
1028
01:59:57,908 --> 02:00:02,038
And you are too lazy
to open your mouth one more time!
1029
02:00:05,208 --> 02:00:08,126
Guys! Brothers!
My dear good friends!
1030
02:00:08,503 --> 02:00:12,298
Let's fly. Or, at least,
close the door.
1031
02:00:12,550 --> 02:00:15,339
I can't stand the sight
of you any longer.
1032
02:00:15,678 --> 02:00:18,051
I'm sick of it all.
1033
02:00:23,604 --> 02:00:25,722
So long, my friend.
1034
02:00:32,739 --> 02:00:34,210
We are flying!
1035
02:00:34,366 --> 02:00:36,009
Apply the brakes!
1036
02:00:36,994 --> 02:00:38,867
Brakes!
1037
02:00:39,372 --> 02:00:40,403
Brakes!
1038
02:00:40,665 --> 02:00:45,730
How am I supposed to apply the brakes
when you've drunk all our brake fluid! Alkie!
1039
02:00:46,713 --> 02:00:48,546
It can poison him.
1040
02:00:48,715 --> 02:00:51,635
- Turn off your antlers.
- They can't be turned off.
1041
02:00:52,011 --> 02:00:55,899
- Take them off then.
- They might break.
1042
02:00:57,559 --> 02:01:01,103
I think we've landed.
That's how it was the last time.
1043
02:01:01,146 --> 02:01:02,918
Okay...
1044
02:01:03,545 --> 02:01:05,005
Put on your gas mask.
1045
02:01:05,213 --> 02:01:09,421
- What about a tzak?
- We can do without.
1046
02:01:14,202 --> 02:01:16,661
Earth!
1047
02:01:40,732 --> 02:01:46,024
Across the river, across the river,
on the other river bank...
1048
02:01:51,661 --> 02:01:52,776
No.
1049
02:01:53,914 --> 02:01:55,741
This isn't Earth.
1050
02:02:00,880 --> 02:02:03,062
How do you do?
1051
02:02:04,009 --> 02:02:08,070
We are Patzaks from the planet Earth.
Who are you?
1052
02:02:08,326 --> 02:02:10,382
This is planet Alpha.
1053
02:02:10,558 --> 02:02:12,994
Tell Decont here,
your coordinates
1054
02:02:13,227 --> 02:02:16,098
and she will teleport you
back to the starting point.
1055
02:02:16,397 --> 02:02:18,687
Have a nice day.
1056
02:02:19,943 --> 02:02:22,779
Please, tell me your planet number.
1057
02:02:23,447 --> 02:02:26,235
013 in Tenture.
1058
02:02:29,996 --> 02:02:33,620
It is here... approximately...
Here it is.
1059
02:02:33,917 --> 02:02:37,355
- To the left of the Big Dipper.
- This is unnecessary.
1060
02:02:37,588 --> 02:02:39,960
Could you, please, hold your hands.
1061
02:02:40,091 --> 02:02:45,236
- Miss, what did you do with... them?
- They are in the 2nd Greenhouse now.
1062
02:02:45,514 --> 02:02:48,087
Could you, please, hold your hands.
1063
02:02:48,392 --> 02:02:51,666
- Do you really turn people into cactuses?
- Only those from Pluke.
1064
02:02:51,896 --> 02:02:54,352
They are not from Pluke!
They are from Hanut!
1065
02:02:54,482 --> 02:02:55,597
This is irrelevant.
1066
02:02:55,650 --> 02:02:58,770
Could you, please, put on
your breathing apparatus.
1067
02:03:00,072 --> 02:03:03,972
- But why? You have beautiful air!
- That is why.
1068
02:03:04,118 --> 02:03:08,748
- Heh...! Just look at her!
- Easy there. Just put it on, Gedevan.
1069
02:03:11,585 --> 02:03:13,993
On behalf of our planet, please...
1070
02:03:16,257 --> 02:03:18,249
Let them go.
1071
02:03:23,473 --> 02:03:26,590
Well, who can make this decision?
1072
02:03:26,852 --> 02:03:30,669
Abradox can. But...
1073
02:03:31,023 --> 02:03:32,705
Well, take us to him!
1074
02:03:32,859 --> 02:03:38,730
Do it, or I'll take off the mask
and begin breathing out!
1075
02:03:40,576 --> 02:03:42,273
You shouldn't worry.
1076
02:03:42,369 --> 02:03:45,321
Our greenhouses provide
the best environment.
1077
02:03:45,540 --> 02:03:48,677
Blossoming, microclimate,
peace and quiet!
1078
02:03:49,627 --> 02:03:51,900
Isn't it something to be desired?
1079
02:03:52,130 --> 02:03:55,542
Then, my dear, why are you
frolicking around on the grass
1080
02:03:55,634 --> 02:03:57,544
...instead of sitting in a pot?
1081
02:03:57,595 --> 02:04:01,618
Please, watch your step! You have
just broken a green shoot again.
1082
02:04:01,766 --> 02:04:03,851
Friend!
1083
02:04:04,644 --> 02:04:08,537
- Can we ask you a favor?
- No need to continue.
1084
02:04:08,774 --> 02:04:10,650
It's a 'no'.
1085
02:04:10,901 --> 02:04:14,149
Our proximity to the
Kin-Dza-Dza galaxy...
1086
02:04:14,405 --> 02:04:19,077
...is our misfortune. They are
plagued by yearnings and desires.
1087
02:04:19,286 --> 02:04:20,994
Vile desires!
1088
02:04:21,413 --> 02:04:25,185
Transformation into
a plant life-form...
1089
02:04:25,418 --> 02:04:27,501
...is for their own good.
1090
02:04:27,691 --> 02:04:29,594
And for everyone else's!
1091
02:04:30,632 --> 02:04:35,669
Maybe we should bring them here and
let them decide what is good for them?
1092
02:04:36,680 --> 02:04:41,473
Oh, if we gave that sort of beings an
opportunity to decide about anything...
1093
02:04:43,396 --> 02:04:47,002
Miss, are you the smartest here!
1094
02:04:47,151 --> 02:04:51,091
Did somebody tell you that? Or
did you figure it out on your own?
1095
02:04:51,239 --> 02:04:53,906
Let's not waste time.
1096
02:04:54,367 --> 02:04:57,408
You are creatures from Anti-Tenture.
1097
02:04:57,621 --> 02:05:01,125
That means I have an obligation
to teleport you...
1098
02:05:01,333 --> 02:05:04,284
...to the starting
point of your journey.
1099
02:05:04,462 --> 02:05:06,996
Or, we can send you back in time...
1100
02:05:07,215 --> 02:05:10,895
...to the moment when you
could decide your own fate.
1101
02:05:11,052 --> 02:05:15,891
- The choice is yours.
- Sorry, I don't get it. Back in time?
1102
02:05:16,142 --> 02:05:19,803
To the past. Back to Pluke.
1103
02:05:32,681 --> 02:05:38,384
Um... Can you send one of us to Earth
and the other one to the past?
1104
02:05:40,002 --> 02:05:41,368
Vladimir Nikolaevich,
1105
02:05:41,545 --> 02:05:46,549
I won't let you go
back to Pluke alone.
1106
02:05:49,930 --> 02:05:51,618
Okay, dude...
1107
02:05:51,848 --> 02:05:54,551
Back in time!
1108
02:06:05,197 --> 02:06:09,004
How long was I fixing the
violin? 50 minutes or so?
1109
02:06:09,243 --> 02:06:11,864
About 50.
1110
02:06:15,813 --> 02:06:17,080
Brother Patzak...
1111
02:06:17,210 --> 02:06:20,965
A guy with socks will be here soon.
Tell him to follow us to the Etsikh.
1112
02:06:21,173 --> 02:06:23,212
- Do you know where it is?
- Sure.
1113
02:06:23,384 --> 02:06:26,886
- So, you will show him.
- Pay me some more then.
1114
02:06:27,138 --> 02:06:30,840
Everybody have a rest
for half an hour!
1115
02:06:33,562 --> 02:06:35,619
Thank you, brothers.
1116
02:06:51,895 --> 02:06:54,743
Carry on, boys. Carry on.
1117
02:07:06,975 --> 02:07:08,884
Fiddler! Hurry up!
1118
02:07:11,063 --> 02:07:13,841
You didn't go home!
Again! You pest...
1119
02:07:13,941 --> 02:07:17,497
- Yes. Climb out!
- Not for love or money!
1120
02:07:17,612 --> 02:07:19,651
It's better here than on Alpha.
1121
02:07:19,781 --> 02:07:22,297
Come on, pull them out.
1122
02:07:29,208 --> 02:07:32,245
We'll have a space-transportation
gadget in a minute.
1123
02:07:32,712 --> 02:07:33,979
Vladimir Nikolaevich!
1124
02:07:34,130 --> 02:07:38,030
You owe us 11,000 boxes.
Fiddler has it written down!
1125
02:07:38,218 --> 02:07:39,926
11,020.
1126
02:07:40,596 --> 02:07:42,967
I have a proposition.
Vovka...
1127
02:07:43,140 --> 02:07:46,205
We get teleported together
...right into the grocery.
1128
02:07:46,436 --> 02:07:49,919
- We buy everything and then...
- There will be no "then"
1129
02:07:50,148 --> 02:07:53,329
We all stay on Earth.
1130
02:07:54,487 --> 02:07:56,589
Forever?!
1131
02:07:56,948 --> 02:07:59,050
Forever.
1132
02:07:59,701 --> 02:08:04,623
Me, on the planet where they don't know
who has to squat before whom? Nonsense!
1133
02:08:04,727 --> 02:08:09,316
- Give us the gravitzapa and that's it!
- Uncle Uef, Uncle Be!
1134
02:08:09,420 --> 02:08:11,670
- You will be so welcome there!
- No, comrade!
1135
02:08:11,777 --> 02:08:15,214
A society without the
color differentiation of pants...
1136
02:08:15,427 --> 02:08:18,534
...is a society without purpose!
And without a purpose...
1137
02:08:18,639 --> 02:08:21,723
Guys, enough with the philosophy.
He's going to appear soon.
1138
02:08:21,892 --> 02:08:25,532
Make up your minds.
Are you going with us?
1139
02:08:25,730 --> 02:08:29,098
Just give us the
gravitzapa. Okay?
1140
02:08:31,361 --> 02:08:33,441
Give it to them.
1141
02:08:35,825 --> 02:08:37,899
It's a pity!
1142
02:08:47,505 --> 02:08:53,126
So...
We should say our farewells.
1143
02:08:56,682 --> 02:08:59,618
I kind of got used to you.
1144
02:09:00,895 --> 02:09:02,916
Me too.
1145
02:09:22,377 --> 02:09:25,059
Well... Take care!
1146
02:09:25,255 --> 02:09:29,093
Friends! Patzaks!
1147
02:09:30,219 --> 02:09:32,754
Here's your socks. Thank you.
1148
02:09:33,556 --> 02:09:34,829
And if you wish...
1149
02:09:34,933 --> 02:09:38,991
Friend!
What's the type of your gadget?
1150
02:09:39,813 --> 02:09:42,269
Might I take a look?
1151
02:09:42,984 --> 02:09:44,561
A regular type.
1152
02:09:44,694 --> 02:09:48,094
Press the key...
and you're back home.
1153
02:10:04,404 --> 02:10:05,918
Hi.
1154
02:10:06,440 --> 02:10:08,317
Hi. Anything new?
1155
02:10:08,554 --> 02:10:12,765
Pipes sprang a leak at
the construction site.
1156
02:10:29,891 --> 02:10:34,896
Mommy, mommy, give me some advice.
Winter's coming with the frost and ice.
1157
02:10:35,585 --> 02:10:41,420
You don't have a warm and pretty shawl.
And no fur coat do I have at all.
1158
02:10:49,892 --> 02:10:52,780
- How's our "A-grade" student?
- He's out with friends.
1159
02:10:52,896 --> 02:10:56,181
Vovka! Go buy some bread. I forgot.
1160
02:10:58,277 --> 02:11:02,190
Oh, and fetch some noodles too.
1161
02:11:18,716 --> 02:11:22,152
Comrade! How could I get
to Old Arbat Street?
1162
02:11:22,304 --> 02:11:25,466
- Turn right over there.
- Thank you.
1163
02:11:49,501 --> 02:11:51,578
Fiddler?
1164
02:11:55,383 --> 02:11:57,459
Uncle Vova?
1165
02:12:03,892 --> 02:12:05,992
Fiddler!
1166
02:12:08,231 --> 02:12:10,436
Uncle Vova!
1167
02:12:31,382 --> 02:12:39,724
Mommy, mommy, give me some advice...
1168
02:12:44,647 --> 02:12:48,811
The End