1 00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:52,710 [Man narrating] Centuries ago, during the dawn of the red moon, 2 00:00:52,888 --> 00:00:56,969 our peaceful hamlet was terrorised by a beast... 3 00:00:59,436 --> 00:01:02,472 ... born not of man, but spewed forth 4 00:01:02,646 --> 00:01:06,775 - from the fieriest pits of Hades... - [women grunting] 5 00:01:06,943 --> 00:01:12,233 ... with an evil fuelled by a hatred of men and a love of women. 6 00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:17,401 Its name: Carmilla, the vampire queen. 7 00:01:17,577 --> 00:01:20,662 No one could defeat her, save one man: 8 00:01:20,831 --> 00:01:26,334 A baron away for decades fighting in the Crusades. 9 00:01:26,502 --> 00:01:29,953 Upon his return, the baron found that Carmilla's desires 10 00:01:30,130 --> 00:01:33,214 had ensnared his beautiful wife, Eva, 11 00:01:33,383 --> 00:01:36,053 and turned her into a lover of the vagine. 12 00:01:36,219 --> 00:01:38,092 No! 13 00:01:40,431 --> 00:01:43,800 Consumed with vengeance, the baron pledged to destroy Carmilla 14 00:01:44,144 --> 00:01:45,722 and flee the village. 15 00:01:47,021 --> 00:01:49,393 He unearthed the sacred Books of Nekros, 16 00:01:49,566 --> 00:01:52,103 where he discovered the only way of slaying 17 00:01:52,276 --> 00:01:56,652 this unholy harpy, once and for all, was to forge a sacred sword, 18 00:01:56,821 --> 00:02:01,116 a weapon blessed with an ancient Babylonian hex... 19 00:02:01,285 --> 00:02:04,404 ...and infused with his own blood. - [Groans] 20 00:02:04,580 --> 00:02:08,742 [Man] Without fear, he confronted Carmilla. 21 00:02:14,213 --> 00:02:15,956 [Cries out] 22 00:02:16,131 --> 00:02:19,832 But before the baron could strike the fatal blow, 23 00:02:20,010 --> 00:02:23,379 Carmilla laid down a curse most vile. 24 00:02:23,554 --> 00:02:26,639 As you strike me down, so you shall release evil 25 00:02:26,808 --> 00:02:30,058 within me into your daughters and your daughters' daughters, 26 00:02:30,228 --> 00:02:34,177 and they shall not rest until your bloodline's ended. 27 00:02:34,356 --> 00:02:38,021 They will know your breed by these marks above your heart. 28 00:02:38,193 --> 00:02:41,277 And when the life's blood of the last of your line 29 00:02:41,446 --> 00:02:43,569 mixes with that of a virgin girl, 30 00:02:43,740 --> 00:02:49,825 I shall rise again, more powerful than you will ever imagine. 31 00:02:49,996 --> 00:02:52,700 [Man] And with that, he lopped her fucking head off. 32 00:02:56,961 --> 00:02:59,451 Henceforth, every woman in our village, 33 00:02:59,629 --> 00:03:02,998 upon her 18th birthday, is turned by the curse 34 00:03:03,175 --> 00:03:06,128 and reborn a lesbian vampire. 35 00:03:06,302 --> 00:03:09,635 Our only salvation is a prophecy that foretells of the day 36 00:03:09,805 --> 00:03:12,427 when the last descendent of the baron's bloodline 37 00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:16,134 shall return to this hamlet and vanquish Carmilla's curse forever. 38 00:03:18,271 --> 00:03:20,845 That time... has begun. 39 00:03:21,025 --> 00:03:26,184 - I'm not happy, Jimmy. - Why? What did I do wrong? 40 00:03:26,362 --> 00:03:29,363 Things are different now to how they used to be. 41 00:03:29,533 --> 00:03:32,983 I just don't love you anymore. No, I love you. 42 00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:36,659 - I'm just not in love with you. - [Neighbours crying out in passion] 43 00:03:36,830 --> 00:03:40,959 - You know I'll always love you. - You say that every time you dump me. 44 00:03:41,127 --> 00:03:44,127 I don't dump you, Jimmy. I just take time out 45 00:03:44,296 --> 00:03:47,082 to re-evaluate the parameters of our relationship. 46 00:03:47,256 --> 00:03:52,002 That's what makes us so strong together. 47 00:03:52,178 --> 00:03:55,427 If we're that strong together, why are you dumping me... again? 48 00:03:55,597 --> 00:03:59,595 I'm not dumping you. I just think we're stronger together apart. 49 00:03:59,769 --> 00:04:02,056 That doesn't make grammatical sense, so... 50 00:04:02,229 --> 00:04:06,522 Feel it with your heart, and know what I'm saying is true. 51 00:04:06,691 --> 00:04:11,104 - So... you are dumping me? - No. 52 00:04:11,279 --> 00:04:14,030 But, also in a sense, yes. 53 00:04:15,407 --> 00:04:17,399 - [Neighbour woman] Yes! - Shit. 54 00:04:22,163 --> 00:04:23,907 I'm not happy, Fletch. 55 00:04:24,082 --> 00:04:26,205 [Fletch] I'm trying my best, Miss Rossi. 56 00:04:26,376 --> 00:04:28,119 Your best just isn't good enough. 57 00:04:28,461 --> 00:04:31,166 - What more do you want me to do? - I don't know. 58 00:04:31,339 --> 00:04:33,581 - This has to be the end of the line. - What? 59 00:04:33,758 --> 00:04:36,878 - What did I do wrong? - You punched him in the face. 60 00:04:37,053 --> 00:04:40,801 You know what I get like when people mess with my shit. He had it coming. 61 00:04:40,973 --> 00:04:43,547 He was seven. You're a children's clown. 62 00:04:43,725 --> 00:04:46,560 Old enough to know not to go messing with my shit. 63 00:04:46,728 --> 00:04:48,187 Fletch, you punched a child. 64 00:04:48,397 --> 00:04:50,852 He was spraying me with my own seltzer bottle. 65 00:04:51,023 --> 00:04:53,859 - What was I supposed to do? - Not hit him. 66 00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:57,609 Then he shouldn't be spraying my ball sac. It was only a tap. 67 00:04:57,779 --> 00:05:01,314 - You gave him a bloody nose! - I look like I pissed myself! 68 00:05:01,491 --> 00:05:05,489 Christ, Fletch. I don't know why you do these things. 69 00:05:07,206 --> 00:05:08,865 I guess I just don't like kids. 70 00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:12,243 I keep telling you, they're a pre-requisite of the job. 71 00:05:12,419 --> 00:05:15,039 I know. A slight problem. 72 00:05:16,006 --> 00:05:18,496 Maybe I could just be a clown for adults. 73 00:05:19,341 --> 00:05:23,469 - You're fired. - Do I get to keep the costume? 74 00:05:23,637 --> 00:05:27,504 No. Drop your costume at the desk on the way out. Goodbye, Fletch. 75 00:05:37,358 --> 00:05:39,766 - Do I get this week's money? - Goodbye, Fletch. 76 00:05:39,944 --> 00:05:42,482 - [� VV Brown: Crying Blood] - � I'm cryin' blood 77 00:05:42,822 --> 00:05:44,898 � I'm cryin� blood 78 00:05:45,074 --> 00:05:48,488 � I'm cryin' tears from my eyes that I can't deny 79 00:05:48,659 --> 00:05:51,495 � And I'm fallin' like a comet from the sky 80 00:05:51,663 --> 00:05:53,868 � I'm cryin� blood 81 00:05:54,039 --> 00:05:56,613 � I'm cryin� blood 82 00:05:56,793 --> 00:06:00,161 � I'm cryin' tears from my eyes that I can't deny 83 00:06:00,338 --> 00:06:03,457 � And I'm fallin� like a comet from the broken sky 84 00:06:03,633 --> 00:06:04,711 � Oh, how you 85 00:06:04,883 --> 00:06:05,998 � Oh, how you need me 86 00:06:06,176 --> 00:06:08,050 � Desperately 87 00:06:08,220 --> 00:06:09,465 � Desperately need me 88 00:06:09,638 --> 00:06:10,918 � Wish you could... 89 00:06:11,097 --> 00:06:13,386 I've come up with a plan for getting her back. 90 00:06:13,558 --> 00:06:15,101 What, like revenge? 91 00:06:15,269 --> 00:06:18,886 No, getting her back, not "getting her back" getting her back. 92 00:06:19,062 --> 00:06:23,143 Getting her back. Number one: Take her on holiday. 93 00:06:23,317 --> 00:06:25,690 Stop there. That's just fucking stupid. 94 00:06:25,861 --> 00:06:28,732 - The two of us, on our own... - On your own? 95 00:06:28,905 --> 00:06:32,191 Like when you went to Falaraki and she dumped you and banged that 96 00:06:32,367 --> 00:06:34,691 water ski instructor with highlights and necklace? 97 00:06:34,869 --> 00:06:37,869 She didn't dump me. She told me she was just... confused. 98 00:06:38,038 --> 00:06:40,708 Not that confused she couldn't figure out where to put his cock. 99 00:06:40,875 --> 00:06:45,453 - That's my bird you're talking about. - No. No, it isn't. Not anymore. 100 00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:50,790 Look, you need to get away from all this shit. 101 00:06:50,967 --> 00:06:53,458 Let us have a wacky adventure, you and me. 102 00:06:53,636 --> 00:06:56,970 I'm not gonna bum you, but I think you could use a distraction. 103 00:06:57,140 --> 00:07:00,758 Say what you like, but you cannot deny I am incredibly distracting. 104 00:07:00,935 --> 00:07:03,176 - Some might say annoying. - And that... [sniffs] 105 00:07:04,396 --> 00:07:07,065 I don't know. Where do you suggest we go? 106 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:10,558 [Whispers] lbiza. [blows] 107 00:07:11,653 --> 00:07:16,694 The sun, the sea, the sand, clubs and fanny. 108 00:07:16,866 --> 00:07:22,453 Lots and lots of fanny. Loads and loads of fanny. 109 00:07:22,622 --> 00:07:25,990 A gargantuan amount of "vajay". 110 00:07:26,166 --> 00:07:29,286 All wanting to shag you, Jimmy McLaren, 111 00:07:29,461 --> 00:07:34,253 and if there's a few stragglers who fancy a go on me, then so be it. 112 00:07:36,093 --> 00:07:37,634 I can't. I'm skint. 113 00:07:37,802 --> 00:07:40,471 What? I thought you had loads saved up. 114 00:07:40,638 --> 00:07:42,761 Yeah... I lent it to Judy to buy a car. 115 00:07:42,932 --> 00:07:47,427 Oh, my God! Why don't you just get "total twat" tattooed on your forehead? 116 00:07:47,602 --> 00:07:50,438 Can't you see what that witch has done to our lives? 117 00:07:50,605 --> 00:07:54,900 Relied on that money for my holiday. Our holiday, I mean. 118 00:07:55,069 --> 00:07:58,437 - How much have you got? - Um... 119 00:07:58,613 --> 00:08:00,522 Uh, well... 120 00:08:00,697 --> 00:08:03,319 Tricky, because I've sort of been sacked. 121 00:08:03,492 --> 00:08:05,367 - You hit another girl? - It was a boy. 122 00:08:05,537 --> 00:08:07,078 I don't want to talk about it. 123 00:08:07,246 --> 00:08:11,907 So what we're essentially saying is that neither of us can afford to go anywhere. 124 00:08:12,084 --> 00:08:13,364 - Pretty much. - Brilliant. 125 00:08:34,229 --> 00:08:37,183 Uh, hello. Wasn't expecting you. 126 00:08:37,357 --> 00:08:40,144 - I've finally done it! - Done what? 127 00:08:40,318 --> 00:08:44,315 Get the "champers" on ice. I'm all yours, honey. 128 00:08:44,489 --> 00:08:48,818 - Oh, bloody hell. - I've left him for good this time, 129 00:08:48,993 --> 00:08:52,195 - so you and me can have fun. - [Zipper unzips] 130 00:08:52,370 --> 00:08:54,861 - [Giggles] - You've done what? 131 00:08:55,039 --> 00:08:58,124 Let's celebrate. Naughty boy! 132 00:09:01,963 --> 00:09:03,872 Who the hell are you? 133 00:09:05,215 --> 00:09:08,418 - Who the hell are you? - I'm his girlfriend. 134 00:09:08,593 --> 00:09:14,217 - Really? I'm his wife. - [Gasps] 135 00:09:14,391 --> 00:09:16,928 [Exhales] Right. 136 00:09:22,022 --> 00:09:23,932 - Dave, get back here! - In my defence, 137 00:09:24,107 --> 00:09:26,730 - I never meant for you to find out. - [Slapping sound] 138 00:09:35,202 --> 00:09:39,115 - I got a plan. - Does it involve girls? 139 00:09:39,289 --> 00:09:42,788 - It's cheap. - Yeah. Does it involve girls? 140 00:09:42,958 --> 00:09:46,541 Let's... go... hiking. 141 00:09:50,132 --> 00:09:53,584 That... is one of the most depressingly shitty 142 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:57,046 ideas for a holiday I've ever heard in my life, ever. 143 00:09:57,222 --> 00:10:01,089 - It's a great idea. - You're a penis! 144 00:10:02,810 --> 00:10:06,060 Wherever it lands on the map, we go there. 145 00:10:06,230 --> 00:10:08,269 Leave it to the hands of fate. 146 00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:09,686 - What do you say? - No. 147 00:10:09,859 --> 00:10:12,148 - It'll be brilliant. - It will be shit. 148 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:14,111 Let the dart show us the way. 149 00:10:15,948 --> 00:10:17,573 All right, then. Fuck it. 150 00:10:17,742 --> 00:10:21,074 I'm only agreeing because I'm feeling for you right now, 151 00:10:21,243 --> 00:10:25,111 and because I'm unbelievably shit-faced. 152 00:10:25,289 --> 00:10:28,326 Throw it like you mean it, McLaren. 153 00:10:47,685 --> 00:10:50,888 I never heard of it. How do you say it? Crag... 154 00:10:51,063 --> 00:10:53,732 Cragwi... Cragwich? 155 00:10:53,899 --> 00:10:58,690 It's spelled A-D-V-N-T-U-R-E, my friend. 156 00:11:00,697 --> 00:11:03,022 Christ, you're a tit! 157 00:11:14,793 --> 00:11:18,458 [Inhales, exhales] Get that? 158 00:11:18,630 --> 00:11:21,168 - Country air. Nothing like it. - [Cow mooing] 159 00:11:21,341 --> 00:11:23,832 Smells like normal air with cow shit in it. 160 00:11:24,010 --> 00:11:26,964 Exactly. Nothing like the pervading stench of faeces 161 00:11:27,138 --> 00:11:29,213 to take your mind off your troubles. 162 00:11:29,390 --> 00:11:31,548 [Birds cawing] 163 00:11:31,725 --> 00:11:34,051 Have you brought anything besides beer? 164 00:11:39,899 --> 00:11:42,568 You're expecting a water bomb fight or something? 165 00:11:42,735 --> 00:11:44,609 [Flies buzzing] 166 00:11:49,658 --> 00:11:51,485 [Cell phone buzzing] 167 00:11:53,245 --> 00:11:55,154 - Hello? - [Judy] Jimmy, it's me. 168 00:11:55,330 --> 00:11:57,738 - Judy? - Yes! Look, Jimmy. 169 00:11:57,915 --> 00:12:01,450 I've been thinking, and I realise I've made a terrible mistake. 170 00:12:01,628 --> 00:12:05,211 I want to come back, Jimmy. I... love you. 171 00:12:05,382 --> 00:12:07,125 - What? - I love you! 172 00:12:07,300 --> 00:12:11,001 - Hello? - [Judy speaking indistinctly] 173 00:12:11,179 --> 00:12:13,087 I can't hear... Hello? 174 00:12:13,264 --> 00:12:16,135 - [Mouthing words] - Judy? 175 00:12:16,309 --> 00:12:18,265 I'll drive to meet you. 176 00:12:18,435 --> 00:12:21,970 We can talk, the two of us. We can work everything out. 177 00:12:22,146 --> 00:12:25,515 When I get there, you can wear my panties. 178 00:12:35,575 --> 00:12:40,284 - Why'd you do that? - We are here to hike. 179 00:12:40,455 --> 00:12:44,405 But... I can't fucking believe you just done that! 180 00:12:44,584 --> 00:12:47,419 OK, maybe I did overreact a bit, and I'm sorry. 181 00:12:47,587 --> 00:12:50,504 I'll, um, buy you another one. Jim... 182 00:12:50,673 --> 00:12:52,915 Jim! 183 00:13:01,934 --> 00:13:03,842 [Panting] Hold up a minute. 184 00:13:04,018 --> 00:13:06,806 [Coughing, groaning] 185 00:13:06,980 --> 00:13:09,731 [Flatulence, coughs] 186 00:13:13,193 --> 00:13:16,110 Can't we take a little rest? I'm getting a stitch. 187 00:13:16,279 --> 00:13:19,446 We've only been walking for three minutes. 188 00:13:19,616 --> 00:13:22,652 Yeah, but you're not walking. You're virtually running. 189 00:13:22,827 --> 00:13:24,570 It's like you're in a mood with me. 190 00:13:24,746 --> 00:13:28,910 - I can't imagine why. Can you? - You're getting a real attitude. 191 00:13:29,084 --> 00:13:31,159 - Oh, fuck off. - No, you fuck off. 192 00:13:31,335 --> 00:13:33,827 I've dragged my arse to some leafy shit-hole 193 00:13:34,005 --> 00:13:37,669 I can't even pronounce, for you, and look how ungrateful you're being. 194 00:13:37,841 --> 00:13:41,673 Ungrateful? You stamped on my phone whilst Judy was trying to make up. 195 00:13:41,845 --> 00:13:43,719 What? Like the last seven times? 196 00:13:43,889 --> 00:13:47,139 You're a mental case holding out for that serial dumper 197 00:13:47,309 --> 00:13:51,009 to have you back for the... drum roll, please... eighth fucking time. 198 00:13:51,187 --> 00:13:53,595 That's why we're here rather than somewhere 199 00:13:53,772 --> 00:13:56,689 it might be remotely possible to engage a solitary woman 200 00:13:56,858 --> 00:13:59,564 in so much as a polite conversation. 201 00:14:01,530 --> 00:14:03,736 - There might be girls. - Will there? Balls. 202 00:14:03,907 --> 00:14:07,240 - [Door shuts] - [Women laughing] 203 00:14:07,410 --> 00:14:09,534 [� Wolfmother: Woman] 204 00:14:16,001 --> 00:14:17,377 � Woman 205 00:14:17,545 --> 00:14:19,204 � You know you Woman 206 00:14:19,380 --> 00:14:21,039 � You got to be a Woman 207 00:14:21,215 --> 00:14:23,290 � I've got the feeling of love 208 00:14:23,466 --> 00:14:25,424 � When you're talking to me 209 00:14:25,594 --> 00:14:27,836 � You see right through me 210 00:14:28,013 --> 00:14:30,468 � I've got the feeling of love 211 00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:33,511 � She's a woman, you know what I mean 212 00:14:33,684 --> 00:14:37,052 � You better listen, listen to me 213 00:14:37,229 --> 00:14:40,147 � She's gonna set you free 214 00:14:40,316 --> 00:14:42,557 � Oh, oh, yeah 215 00:14:56,246 --> 00:15:00,411 - What are the chances? - [Women laughing] 216 00:15:04,462 --> 00:15:06,419 Come on, Jim. They came from there. 217 00:15:06,589 --> 00:15:10,172 - Yeah. So? - "So"? 218 00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:13,344 Are you some kind of eunuch or something? 219 00:15:13,513 --> 00:15:17,296 Not bad enough that woman's robbed you of brains, but testicles and all. 220 00:15:17,475 --> 00:15:19,882 I'm sorry. I'm claiming your testicles back. 221 00:15:20,060 --> 00:15:23,809 No... Not that I literally want your test... 222 00:15:23,981 --> 00:15:27,397 That's just sick. Look. They're just the beginning. 223 00:15:27,568 --> 00:15:30,272 These small, rural places are renowned for breeding 224 00:15:30,445 --> 00:15:33,860 the cr�me de la cr�me of the female form. It's the fresh air. 225 00:15:34,032 --> 00:15:37,650 They go a bundle for city boys like you and me. Impressive we are, mate. 226 00:15:37,827 --> 00:15:41,077 I guarantee this place will be wall to wall with rosy-cheeked 227 00:15:41,247 --> 00:15:45,113 English country maidens, like that lot, but even dirtier. 228 00:15:45,292 --> 00:15:48,458 [Objects clatter] 229 00:15:50,046 --> 00:15:52,917 - [Sheep bleats] - [Up-tempo music plays] 230 00:15:53,091 --> 00:15:56,211 It's like some sort of medieval gay bar. 231 00:15:56,386 --> 00:15:58,461 Don't sweat it. 232 00:15:59,931 --> 00:16:02,338 The womenfolk are all off braiding their hair 233 00:16:02,516 --> 00:16:05,470 in some kind of naked fertility ceremony or something. 234 00:16:05,644 --> 00:16:08,763 That village green will be full of heaving tits by sundown. 235 00:16:08,938 --> 00:16:11,939 - These guys look weird. - [Whispering] Just relax. 236 00:16:12,108 --> 00:16:14,813 They're just blokes, like you and I. 237 00:16:14,986 --> 00:16:17,903 They like a beer, enjoy a scented candle. 238 00:16:18,072 --> 00:16:22,116 They're my kind of people. I can relate. Stick with me. 239 00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:30,783 Good morrow. 240 00:16:30,959 --> 00:16:34,873 Two flagons of ale, please, sir. 241 00:16:39,049 --> 00:16:41,457 There you go. 242 00:16:41,635 --> 00:16:44,552 Compliments of the house, lads. 243 00:16:54,856 --> 00:16:56,849 Thank you. 244 00:16:59,818 --> 00:17:01,895 [Sheep bleats] 245 00:17:11,412 --> 00:17:16,323 Keep it together, mate. Keep it together. 246 00:17:16,500 --> 00:17:19,502 I'm just a bit worried I'm going to get raped. 247 00:17:24,841 --> 00:17:27,712 So how many more, Tom? How many more? 248 00:17:27,887 --> 00:17:30,721 Don't you be all high and mighty with me, vicar. 249 00:17:30,889 --> 00:17:33,096 We have to stop this madness. 250 00:17:33,266 --> 00:17:36,801 - Reckon that's his daughter? - If it's not, that's one dirty vicar. 251 00:17:36,978 --> 00:17:38,935 We can't let more innocent people die! 252 00:17:39,105 --> 00:17:42,604 - Then what? Then they'll come for us! - Oh. Hi. 253 00:17:42,775 --> 00:17:46,819 Don't you see they have us already? Our women are cursed, 254 00:17:46,987 --> 00:17:49,609 and we are spineless fools who let it happen. 255 00:17:49,782 --> 00:17:53,365 I know it's hard, vicar, what with your Rebecca turning 18... 256 00:17:53,535 --> 00:17:54,614 Eighteen? Love it. 257 00:17:54,786 --> 00:18:00,408 Together we can stop this. You are either with me or against me. 258 00:18:00,583 --> 00:18:02,041 What a tosser. 259 00:18:03,002 --> 00:18:04,626 Who is with me? 260 00:18:10,133 --> 00:18:11,592 No, it can't be. 261 00:18:12,886 --> 00:18:14,297 No, that's impossible. 262 00:18:15,763 --> 00:18:19,512 - It can't be you. What is your name? - Hey, this cost 25 quid, mate! 263 00:18:19,684 --> 00:18:23,301 - That is enough, Father. Enough! - Daddy! 264 00:18:23,479 --> 00:18:25,638 Come, child. 265 00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:35,905 Does he know you? Have you been hanging out with vicars? 266 00:18:36,074 --> 00:18:39,857 - Never seen him before in my life. - Sorry about that, lads. 267 00:18:40,036 --> 00:18:43,619 Here you go. No hard feelings, eh? 268 00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:47,833 Sorry for the vicar. He's a strange sort. 269 00:18:48,001 --> 00:18:52,082 If you lads want a bed for the night, 270 00:18:52,256 --> 00:18:54,746 there be a cottage, the old Mircalla place, 271 00:18:54,925 --> 00:18:56,834 not two miles down the road. 272 00:18:58,094 --> 00:19:00,301 Oh, that's great, but how much is it? 273 00:19:00,472 --> 00:19:02,678 - We're a bit light on the old... - Money. 274 00:19:02,849 --> 00:19:06,382 Oh, it don't cost nothing. The doors are always open. 275 00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:12,313 Any weary traveller can expect a nice, long rest. 276 00:19:12,482 --> 00:19:17,025 You, sir, are a scholar and a gent. 277 00:19:17,195 --> 00:19:20,694 If there's one thing I like more than free booze, it's a free bed. 278 00:19:20,865 --> 00:19:22,110 Thank you very much. 279 00:19:22,283 --> 00:19:24,857 Might be a bit of a tight squeeze, though. 280 00:19:25,036 --> 00:19:29,413 I sent some beautiful young girls down there not too long ago. 281 00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:42,757 [� Ida Maria: I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked] 282 00:19:42,927 --> 00:19:44,884 � Take off your clothes Come on, take 'em off 283 00:19:45,054 --> 00:19:47,723 � I like you so much better when you're naked 284 00:19:47,890 --> 00:19:50,511 � I like me so much better when you're naked 285 00:19:50,684 --> 00:19:53,850 � I like you so much better when you're naked 286 00:19:54,020 --> 00:19:56,346 [song continues indistinctly] 287 00:19:56,523 --> 00:20:01,268 - [Truck engine sputtering] - � I like you so much... 288 00:20:01,444 --> 00:20:02,939 What's wrong with it? 289 00:20:03,112 --> 00:20:06,944 Come on, come on. [stuttering] Don't break down on us now. Come on! 290 00:20:07,116 --> 00:20:10,117 - [Engine sputters, dies] - Come on! What? 291 00:20:12,413 --> 00:20:14,654 [Engine failing] 292 00:20:18,251 --> 00:20:19,449 [Gasps] 293 00:20:21,755 --> 00:20:24,506 - Come on! - That'll really help, Lotte. 294 00:20:24,673 --> 00:20:27,295 - We're screwed. - Ja. 295 00:20:27,468 --> 00:20:31,715 Great. We're in the middle of nowhere, miles from anywhere. 296 00:20:31,889 --> 00:20:34,012 Are you sure you put petrol in? 297 00:20:34,183 --> 00:20:37,469 - [Lotte] Anke, for the fifth time, yes. - [Anke] Just checking. 298 00:20:37,645 --> 00:20:40,479 Well, let us walk to the cottage. We must be close. 299 00:20:40,648 --> 00:20:43,398 The landlord said it was only a few miles. 300 00:20:43,566 --> 00:20:46,317 - Ja. - We're closer to the inn. 301 00:20:46,485 --> 00:20:48,193 We should go get help. 302 00:20:49,696 --> 00:20:52,318 Ja. Ja. 303 00:20:53,617 --> 00:20:57,567 I'm only going back there with knives. Those men were freaky. 304 00:20:58,496 --> 00:21:01,118 - I think we should stay with the van. - Ja. 305 00:21:01,291 --> 00:21:04,743 - [Scraping noises] - Oh... 306 00:21:10,757 --> 00:21:12,667 - [noises continue] - Do you hear that? 307 00:21:12,844 --> 00:21:15,416 - What is it? - [Gasps] 308 00:21:16,388 --> 00:21:18,843 [Lotte] There's something out there. 309 00:21:19,015 --> 00:21:21,387 - Stop scaring us, Lotte. - Ja. 310 00:21:21,559 --> 00:21:24,430 - [Clattering] - Listen, listen! 311 00:21:27,314 --> 00:21:29,307 It's coming from the roof! 312 00:21:31,235 --> 00:21:33,772 - It is probably just a branch. - A branch? 313 00:21:33,946 --> 00:21:34,977 Ja. 314 00:21:49,836 --> 00:21:51,994 [Exhales deeply] 315 00:21:52,171 --> 00:21:55,125 - I told you! - [All laughing] 316 00:21:56,591 --> 00:21:58,799 [All screaming] 317 00:22:01,388 --> 00:22:04,176 - Evening, ladies. - Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you. 318 00:22:04,348 --> 00:22:06,258 Excuse us. Our van just broke down, 319 00:22:06,434 --> 00:22:10,218 - and we were a little bit spooked. - Seems OK now. 320 00:22:10,396 --> 00:22:13,681 Anyhow, hi, I'm Lotte. 321 00:22:13,858 --> 00:22:16,562 This is Anke, Heidi and Trudi. 322 00:22:16,735 --> 00:22:21,562 Hello, Lotte, Andy, Eric. Hello, girls. 323 00:22:22,907 --> 00:22:25,743 - Beer? - Oh,ja! 324 00:22:25,910 --> 00:22:27,108 Ja, ja, ja! 325 00:22:28,037 --> 00:22:29,864 You're my type of girl. 326 00:22:30,039 --> 00:22:32,245 [Fletch, women laughing] 327 00:22:33,543 --> 00:22:34,787 The name's Fletch. 328 00:22:37,463 --> 00:22:39,917 - What's your name? - That's my man, Jimmy. 329 00:22:40,089 --> 00:22:42,711 He's had his heart broken. It's tragic. 330 00:22:42,884 --> 00:22:45,755 - [Women] Oh! - It's just tragic. Really is. 331 00:22:45,929 --> 00:22:49,048 - Hello, Jimmy. - All right. 332 00:22:49,224 --> 00:22:54,265 So, what are four lovely ladies like you doing here on a night like this? 333 00:22:54,437 --> 00:22:56,844 We're on our way to the Mircalla cottage. 334 00:22:57,022 --> 00:23:00,188 [Wheezing laughter] 335 00:23:00,359 --> 00:23:02,647 There's an uncanny stroke of luck! 336 00:23:02,820 --> 00:23:07,397 These girls are all going to the exact same cottage that we are. 337 00:23:07,574 --> 00:23:09,946 [Women shrieking] 338 00:23:10,118 --> 00:23:13,238 - Yes! Yes! - Yes! Yes! 339 00:23:13,413 --> 00:23:15,488 Great. 340 00:23:15,664 --> 00:23:18,998 - Do you want to ride with us? - Thanks. That's very nice of you. 341 00:23:19,168 --> 00:23:20,994 - [Heidi] Oh, yeah! - Take a seat. 342 00:23:21,169 --> 00:23:23,078 When in Rome. [chuckles] 343 00:23:23,255 --> 00:23:27,916 - Be careful. You know what happens. - Relax. It's fine. 344 00:23:32,513 --> 00:23:35,218 - [Anke] OK, let's go. - [Coughing] 345 00:23:38,852 --> 00:23:41,722 [Women laughing] 346 00:23:46,359 --> 00:23:49,774 A couple of young fellows were in here not an hour ago. 347 00:23:49,946 --> 00:23:53,646 Directed them towards the cottage not a couple of miles down the road. 348 00:23:53,825 --> 00:23:56,280 What? Just carry on down the road? 349 00:23:56,452 --> 00:24:01,327 There you go, miss. Carry straight on down, and you can't fail to see it. 350 00:24:02,709 --> 00:24:04,616 Now, she was a pretty one. 351 00:24:04,793 --> 00:24:08,244 They always are, Sidney. 352 00:24:08,421 --> 00:24:14,625 Sirens. Cold, bewitching demons, every last one of them. 353 00:24:14,802 --> 00:24:16,345 - [Spits] - [Cuspidor clangs] 354 00:24:17,555 --> 00:24:19,262 Pint, Jack? 355 00:24:46,790 --> 00:24:51,037 - Wow. This place is amazing! - Oh, I love it! 356 00:24:51,211 --> 00:24:53,998 - Oh, cool! - They got beers! 357 00:24:54,171 --> 00:24:56,628 - Can we actually move here? - [Women exclaiming] 358 00:24:56,800 --> 00:24:58,293 - Yes! - Yes, let's move in! 359 00:24:59,551 --> 00:25:00,962 [Grunting] 360 00:25:04,931 --> 00:25:07,766 [All chattering, exclaiming] 361 00:25:11,062 --> 00:25:13,731 - [� Arrow: Hot Hot Hot] - Let's party! 362 00:25:13,898 --> 00:25:17,065 - We need Schnapps! - Rack 'em up! Rack 'em up! 363 00:25:17,235 --> 00:25:19,939 - [Women chattering] - All right! Yes! 364 00:25:20,112 --> 00:25:23,232 J man, bottoms up! 365 00:25:23,407 --> 00:25:25,980 - Bottoms up! - Cocks in. 366 00:25:26,993 --> 00:25:30,362 - [Anke] Oh, yummy! - Let's dance! 367 00:25:30,539 --> 00:25:32,282 Oh! 368 00:25:35,251 --> 00:25:37,788 � Feelin' hot, hot, hot 369 00:25:39,339 --> 00:25:41,129 � Feelin� hot, hot, hot 370 00:25:54,310 --> 00:25:57,976 This might be the best night of my entire fucking life! 371 00:26:00,316 --> 00:26:03,981 Room for the Fletchmeister? Yes? Yes? 372 00:26:04,153 --> 00:26:06,395 [Chattering, exclaiming] 373 00:26:07,698 --> 00:26:10,069 � Let me rum bum bum bum 374 00:26:11,618 --> 00:26:13,906 � Let me rum bum bum bum 375 00:26:14,371 --> 00:26:15,995 I love hiking! 376 00:26:16,164 --> 00:26:19,996 � Ol�, ol�, ol�, ol� 377 00:26:20,167 --> 00:26:23,452 � Ol�, ol�, ol�, ol� 378 00:26:23,628 --> 00:26:25,954 � Let me rum bum bum bum 379 00:26:27,675 --> 00:26:30,166 - � Let me rum bum bum bum - Take your clothes off! 380 00:26:30,343 --> 00:26:33,795 - Take your clothes off! - � Feelin� hot, hot, hot 381 00:26:35,556 --> 00:26:38,095 � Feelin� hot, hot, hot 382 00:26:40,144 --> 00:26:42,813 - Do you know of Carmilla? - [Gasps] 383 00:26:42,980 --> 00:26:48,021 - Uh, no. Is that who it is? - Yes. 384 00:26:48,193 --> 00:26:51,645 - Carmilla. She's why we're all here. - Eh? 385 00:26:51,822 --> 00:26:56,400 We're students of folklore and ancient superstition. We're on a field trip. 386 00:26:56,576 --> 00:27:00,159 This village is home to the legend of Carmilla, the vampire queen. 387 00:27:00,330 --> 00:27:02,737 - Vampire queen? - According to legend, 388 00:27:02,915 --> 00:27:06,035 she's much, much more than just your average vampire queen. 389 00:27:06,209 --> 00:27:08,167 Some say she's 2,000 years old. 390 00:27:08,337 --> 00:27:10,874 You believe in that Dungeons & Dragons rubbish? 391 00:27:11,047 --> 00:27:13,919 Where I grew up, we're very superstitious. 392 00:27:14,093 --> 00:27:17,045 Cragwich is particularly fascinating to me. 393 00:27:17,220 --> 00:27:19,888 The book of folklore tells the story of this village, 394 00:27:20,055 --> 00:27:22,428 and what Carmilla did to it and its daughters. 395 00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:25,719 Even the bravest man shrinks in fear, and the bravest woman 396 00:27:25,895 --> 00:27:28,931 quivers with desire at the mere mention of her name. 397 00:27:29,815 --> 00:27:31,522 Carmilla, the vampire queen. 398 00:27:35,404 --> 00:27:37,230 [� Whigfield: Saturday Night] 399 00:27:37,405 --> 00:27:39,693 � Saturday, Saturday 400 00:27:39,865 --> 00:27:42,024 - Hey! Jimmy Peon! - � Saturday night 401 00:27:42,201 --> 00:27:45,570 Come on. Get a beer. Get involved. 402 00:27:46,622 --> 00:27:48,745 It is your turn to go with the larger one. 403 00:27:48,916 --> 00:27:50,540 � Saturday night Saturday night 404 00:27:50,709 --> 00:27:54,078 - Too many beers. I need a piss. - The bog's outside. 405 00:27:54,254 --> 00:27:56,745 What? It's... It's dark out there. 406 00:27:56,923 --> 00:28:00,505 Heidi, are you afraid Carmilla will get you? 407 00:28:00,676 --> 00:28:04,840 - Anke, don't be mean. - OK, OK, I'm sorry. 408 00:28:05,015 --> 00:28:09,177 - Don't worry. I will go with her. - [Shrieks] Stop it! 409 00:28:10,268 --> 00:28:14,765 - � Saturday night - Watch this. Here come the beers. 410 00:28:14,940 --> 00:28:18,309 - Here come the beers. Ja? - Ooh, ja! 411 00:28:18,485 --> 00:28:20,892 He's a weird guy, Fletch, eh? 412 00:28:23,406 --> 00:28:25,363 She's pretending to bum me. 413 00:28:25,532 --> 00:28:28,202 Oh, his heart's in the right place. 414 00:28:28,369 --> 00:28:31,702 It's just a shame his brain's in his dick. 415 00:28:38,461 --> 00:28:42,541 - [Heidi] Think his ying yang is big? - [Anke] Ying yang? 416 00:28:51,848 --> 00:28:53,640 [Shivering] 417 00:28:54,517 --> 00:28:59,393 � I like you so much better when you're naked 418 00:28:59,563 --> 00:29:03,893 � I like you so much better when you're naked � 419 00:29:13,326 --> 00:29:15,734 All right. Which one do you want, then? 420 00:29:16,955 --> 00:29:20,288 Haven't thought about it. 421 00:29:20,459 --> 00:29:22,831 Oh! You are such a fucking ponce, James. 422 00:29:23,002 --> 00:29:26,417 Which one do you fancy? Which one do you like the most? 423 00:29:26,588 --> 00:29:29,838 - Just answer the question. - All right, then. Lotte. 424 00:29:30,008 --> 00:29:33,591 - She seems really nice and friendly. - Mm-hmm. 425 00:29:33,762 --> 00:29:37,925 And it's like she's got this pure spirit. 426 00:29:38,100 --> 00:29:43,010 She's just really sweet. She's got the prettiest eyes. 427 00:29:43,188 --> 00:29:46,224 It's like looking into bottomless pools. 428 00:29:47,734 --> 00:29:49,607 - And you? - Trudi. 429 00:29:49,777 --> 00:29:52,314 Massive tits, never speaks. 430 00:29:53,363 --> 00:29:55,855 [Sniffing] 431 00:29:56,908 --> 00:29:59,779 [Sniffs] Yeah, Trudi, you stink. 432 00:30:00,829 --> 00:30:02,868 Ja. Ja. 433 00:30:03,039 --> 00:30:06,123 [Sniffs] Oh,ja. 434 00:30:10,754 --> 00:30:12,581 [Anke] Hurry up! 435 00:30:19,721 --> 00:30:21,464 [Female voice whispering] Anke. 436 00:30:28,021 --> 00:30:31,602 - Anke? - [Clattering, thudding] 437 00:30:31,774 --> 00:30:35,688 - Anke, stop it. It isn't funny. - [Voice whispering] Heidi. 438 00:30:35,861 --> 00:30:37,900 [Light crackling] 439 00:30:39,488 --> 00:30:41,363 Fuck! 440 00:30:42,200 --> 00:30:44,904 Anke, answer me now. It's not funny. 441 00:30:45,077 --> 00:30:47,319 [Clattering continues] 442 00:30:49,956 --> 00:30:52,116 Anke! 443 00:31:01,300 --> 00:31:03,377 Anke? 444 00:31:09,850 --> 00:31:13,682 Anke? Anke! 445 00:31:13,854 --> 00:31:14,885 [Roars] 446 00:31:16,690 --> 00:31:18,647 Why are they taking so long? 447 00:31:18,817 --> 00:31:21,225 She's probably just having a massive shit. 448 00:31:23,488 --> 00:31:26,359 [Music winds down, stops] 449 00:31:28,325 --> 00:31:30,995 [Moaning] 450 00:31:35,123 --> 00:31:37,365 - [Creaking] - [Woman's voice] Trudi. 451 00:31:39,043 --> 00:31:41,914 Trudi. 452 00:31:42,088 --> 00:31:45,837 [Thudding footfalls] 453 00:31:46,134 --> 00:31:49,633 - [Moaning continues] - [Woman] Trudi. 454 00:31:52,848 --> 00:31:57,806 - Trudi. - [Gasping] 455 00:32:03,066 --> 00:32:06,767 - [Moaning] - [Floor creaking] 456 00:32:29,132 --> 00:32:32,133 [Screams] 457 00:32:40,100 --> 00:32:42,307 - [Growls] - [Screaming continues] 458 00:32:42,478 --> 00:32:44,683 [Gasps] Quickly! 459 00:32:48,607 --> 00:32:51,608 - Trudi! We've got to get in there! - [Objects shattering] 460 00:32:51,777 --> 00:32:54,019 OK. Stand back. 461 00:32:57,366 --> 00:33:00,236 Christ. That thing is rock-solid. 462 00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:05,368 - I must have weakened it. - Yeah, right. 463 00:33:12,922 --> 00:33:15,958 - Look. - Blood. 464 00:33:17,384 --> 00:33:19,044 [Woman] Come. 465 00:33:23,224 --> 00:33:25,097 What was that? 466 00:33:25,266 --> 00:33:28,221 I don't know, but let's go find out. 467 00:33:29,270 --> 00:33:32,270 - Is she serious? - We have to do something, don't we? 468 00:33:32,439 --> 00:33:36,188 This is all getting a bit weird: Women missing, towels covered in blood. 469 00:33:36,360 --> 00:33:39,480 - It's more of a light spotting. - Oh, that's all right, then. 470 00:33:39,655 --> 00:33:42,193 We heard her in here, and now she's nowhere. 471 00:33:42,366 --> 00:33:45,983 - That is very fucking weird. - Agreed, but we have to find Trudi. 472 00:33:46,161 --> 00:33:48,533 - You like Trudi, don't you? - Not that much. 473 00:33:50,040 --> 00:33:52,116 That's just weak, man. 474 00:33:53,334 --> 00:33:54,994 For Christ's sake. 475 00:34:08,097 --> 00:34:10,850 [Engine sputtering] 476 00:34:11,017 --> 00:34:14,303 Oh, God! [yells] 477 00:34:14,478 --> 00:34:16,471 For God's sake! 478 00:34:22,111 --> 00:34:25,480 I only got it seen to last week. 479 00:34:25,655 --> 00:34:27,897 Oh, my... Oh, come on! 480 00:34:28,074 --> 00:34:30,910 Shit! [exclaiming] 481 00:34:40,711 --> 00:34:43,914 [Jimmy] Hi. You're through to Jimmy. Please leave a message. 482 00:34:44,090 --> 00:34:48,134 [Exclaims] You are so dead, Jimmy! 483 00:34:48,301 --> 00:34:50,044 [Woman whispering] Judy. 484 00:34:50,219 --> 00:34:55,593 Judy. Judy. 485 00:34:55,766 --> 00:34:58,174 Anke! 486 00:34:58,352 --> 00:35:03,014 Heidi? Trudi? 487 00:35:05,526 --> 00:35:07,684 - Anything? - No. 488 00:35:10,947 --> 00:35:13,521 Ah, well. Looks like she's gone. 489 00:35:15,243 --> 00:35:18,577 Head back inside, eh? Cup of tea? 490 00:35:19,538 --> 00:35:22,160 - Told you there was no one out here. - Trudi? 491 00:35:22,499 --> 00:35:25,204 Probably just gone for a walk or... something. 492 00:35:25,377 --> 00:35:27,784 Let's head inside. I've still got some beers. 493 00:35:27,962 --> 00:35:30,797 - Oh, shit! - [Woman breathing heavily] 494 00:35:32,009 --> 00:35:33,965 [Woman whispering] Lotte. 495 00:35:34,135 --> 00:35:36,460 - It's over there. - I heard it too. 496 00:35:38,097 --> 00:35:41,014 Look. I know something really wrong is happening here, 497 00:35:41,350 --> 00:35:43,758 but is there any chance we can just ignore it? 498 00:35:43,936 --> 00:35:46,142 [Jimmy] Fletch! Come on! 499 00:35:54,113 --> 00:35:57,278 [Woman breathing heavily continues] 500 00:36:11,502 --> 00:36:13,495 [Moaning] 501 00:36:40,654 --> 00:36:44,106 It's impossible. It cannot be. Vampires. 502 00:36:44,283 --> 00:36:46,952 - Vampires? - Vampires? 503 00:36:48,162 --> 00:36:50,533 [Whispering] Lesbian vampires. 504 00:36:50,706 --> 00:36:53,327 Nice one. 505 00:36:54,918 --> 00:36:58,251 - [Roaring] - [Gasps, yells] 506 00:37:03,050 --> 00:37:06,134 [Groans] Fucking hell, she's strong. 507 00:37:08,764 --> 00:37:10,258 - Jimmy! - [Roars] 508 00:37:10,432 --> 00:37:13,766 - Shit. - Jimmy! 509 00:37:18,815 --> 00:37:21,436 [Groaning] 510 00:37:21,609 --> 00:37:23,566 - [Liquid sloshing] - [Gasping] 511 00:37:24,236 --> 00:37:28,316 [Grunting] She's not so strong now. 512 00:37:31,535 --> 00:37:34,369 [Moaning] 513 00:37:50,386 --> 00:37:52,592 Ah! Rank! 514 00:37:58,101 --> 00:37:59,560 [Flatulence] 515 00:38:01,436 --> 00:38:05,565 - [Liquid gurgling] - Is that it? 516 00:38:05,733 --> 00:38:08,402 No explosion or... 517 00:38:08,569 --> 00:38:12,269 ...turning into burning ash or... Nothing, no? 518 00:38:14,700 --> 00:38:16,527 Frankly, I'm a bit disappointed. 519 00:38:16,701 --> 00:38:19,822 I'm just glad she's dead. I can hold out for fireworks. 520 00:38:19,996 --> 00:38:23,199 The legends... they're true. 521 00:38:23,373 --> 00:38:24,655 This is madness. 522 00:38:24,834 --> 00:38:27,788 - What's become of my friends? - [Woman, softly] Lotte. 523 00:38:27,962 --> 00:38:29,076 Oh, crap. 524 00:38:30,213 --> 00:38:34,080 - Join us. - Join us. 525 00:38:34,259 --> 00:38:36,631 Ja. 526 00:38:36,803 --> 00:38:40,670 I think they want you to say something. 527 00:38:40,848 --> 00:38:42,971 - Never. - [Snarling] 528 00:38:44,185 --> 00:38:45,762 Don't think they wanted you to say that. 529 00:38:45,936 --> 00:38:48,095 Fuck this! Run, you bellends! 530 00:38:48,272 --> 00:38:49,767 [Vampires snarling] 531 00:38:57,864 --> 00:39:00,403 Come on, you silly fuckers! 532 00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:02,611 - [Snarling] - [Gasping] 533 00:39:02,785 --> 00:39:05,952 Now you will join us. 534 00:39:08,458 --> 00:39:10,082 Hmm. 535 00:39:10,251 --> 00:39:13,204 - Get in. - [Vampires exclaiming] 536 00:39:17,382 --> 00:39:19,458 Oh, my God! Did you see that? 537 00:39:19,633 --> 00:39:23,252 That might be the coolest thing I've done in my entire fucking life. 538 00:39:23,429 --> 00:39:26,180 I've always been good at cricket. Maybe it's my guns. 539 00:39:26,348 --> 00:39:28,922 - Fletch, please shut up. - Sorry, I'm just nervous. 540 00:39:29,102 --> 00:39:31,426 They'd have eaten us alive. This is fucked up! 541 00:39:31,603 --> 00:39:34,141 Where did they go? 542 00:39:34,315 --> 00:39:39,309 [Woman] Before sunrise, you will all belong to us. 543 00:39:41,779 --> 00:39:44,353 Shit, shit, shit, shit. What are we going to do? 544 00:39:44,532 --> 00:39:48,066 - We're going to die horribly. - For Christ sake. You're not helping. 545 00:39:48,244 --> 00:39:51,411 - Calm down. Have a beer. - We need to get out of here! 546 00:39:51,580 --> 00:39:54,995 - Come up with a plan then, Einstein. - Hold on. The van. 547 00:39:55,166 --> 00:39:57,206 The van. Good plan. Great plan. 548 00:39:57,377 --> 00:39:59,204 - Genius. - [Object clattering] 549 00:39:59,380 --> 00:40:01,538 I don't even want to know. 550 00:40:01,714 --> 00:40:04,205 - What are we going to do now? - [Lotte grunts] 551 00:40:06,886 --> 00:40:09,211 Stakes. Lots of sharp stakes. 552 00:40:10,264 --> 00:40:14,178 Arm ourselves with anything we can plunge through their hearts. 553 00:40:14,351 --> 00:40:16,059 Again, great idea. Like it. 554 00:40:16,228 --> 00:40:20,439 Plunging sharp objects. Hell-whore hearts. Let's fucking have it. 555 00:40:20,607 --> 00:40:24,307 - [Pounding] - [Lotte gasps] 556 00:40:25,987 --> 00:40:28,774 - � Saturday night, I feel... - [pounding continues] 557 00:40:28,948 --> 00:40:30,441 [CD skipping] 558 00:40:31,826 --> 00:40:34,910 - [Judy] Jimmy! - Judy? 559 00:40:35,078 --> 00:40:39,407 What? Don't open the fucking door! Jesus! 560 00:40:40,708 --> 00:40:43,828 - Judy, get in, quick. - Oh, my God! 561 00:40:44,003 --> 00:40:46,672 - What the hell is going on? - What are you doing here? 562 00:40:46,839 --> 00:40:50,173 - Something was chasing me. - Vampires. 563 00:40:50,343 --> 00:40:54,422 - What? - Yep. Lesbian vampires. 564 00:40:54,596 --> 00:40:57,004 - How ridiculous. - No. 565 00:40:57,182 --> 00:41:00,302 Just another of God's cruel tricks to get on my tits. 566 00:41:00,477 --> 00:41:04,178 Even dead women would sooner sleep with each other than get with me. 567 00:41:04,355 --> 00:41:07,854 - But eating me alive? Oh, that's fine. - Lesbian vampires? 568 00:41:08,025 --> 00:41:11,774 Next time he'll have me bummed by a big gay werewolf, I swear. 569 00:41:11,946 --> 00:41:13,488 Come on. We need to lie down. 570 00:41:19,453 --> 00:41:22,952 - Who's that? - Oh, it's Jimmy's ex. 571 00:41:23,123 --> 00:41:25,875 She keeps breaking up with him, getting him back, 572 00:41:26,043 --> 00:41:28,747 breaking up with him, getting him back, you know? 573 00:41:32,214 --> 00:41:34,670 - I hate her. - Me too. 574 00:41:34,841 --> 00:41:37,878 Man, this pisses me off. 575 00:41:38,053 --> 00:41:40,924 I've been saving myself for the right man, 576 00:41:41,098 --> 00:41:43,505 someone I can really have feelings for. 577 00:41:43,683 --> 00:41:47,301 - I finally meet him, and... - What, you like Jimmy? 578 00:41:47,479 --> 00:41:49,970 Yes, I do. But between her and the vampires, 579 00:41:50,148 --> 00:41:52,721 I'll probably die a virgin tonight. 580 00:41:52,901 --> 00:41:54,810 [Chuckles] 581 00:41:57,780 --> 00:42:01,196 [Stuttering] You're a virgin? 582 00:42:01,366 --> 00:42:05,410 - Um, yeah. - [Exhales] 583 00:42:06,413 --> 00:42:08,037 [Wind whistling] 584 00:42:24,638 --> 00:42:27,259 Oh, for God's sake, girl. Cover yourself up. 585 00:42:28,558 --> 00:42:30,681 Daddy, I'm not a child any more. 586 00:42:30,852 --> 00:42:33,852 - Don't try me, girl. - Oh! 587 00:42:50,996 --> 00:42:57,247 Jimmy, I know you have every right to hate me, 588 00:42:57,418 --> 00:42:59,706 but I just want you to know 589 00:42:59,878 --> 00:43:04,125 that I'm so happy you let me through the door. 590 00:43:04,299 --> 00:43:06,872 Well, I don't hate you. Well, not completely. 591 00:43:07,052 --> 00:43:10,171 I just don't know what I keep doing you don't like. 592 00:43:10,346 --> 00:43:13,846 It's not you, Jimmy. It's me. 593 00:43:14,766 --> 00:43:17,887 I'm glad you realise that, because if this is gonna work, 594 00:43:18,062 --> 00:43:21,680 - you're gonna have to change. - Oh, I've changed. 595 00:43:21,857 --> 00:43:24,063 But how... How do I know that? 596 00:43:24,234 --> 00:43:27,899 How can I trust you? You're gonna have to show me you're different. 597 00:43:28,071 --> 00:43:30,775 Oh, I'm different. 598 00:43:30,948 --> 00:43:32,657 - [Snarls] - [Gasps] 599 00:43:34,619 --> 00:43:40,205 Give me one... last... kiss. 600 00:43:40,999 --> 00:43:42,909 - [Shouts] - [Gasps] 601 00:43:46,755 --> 00:43:48,083 Huh? 602 00:43:50,800 --> 00:43:52,508 - [Yells] - [Yelps] 603 00:44:07,858 --> 00:44:10,528 [Screaming] 604 00:44:17,283 --> 00:44:20,403 [Wheezing] 605 00:44:24,082 --> 00:44:25,954 - [Shouting] - [Screaming] 606 00:44:48,145 --> 00:44:52,224 Probably best you remember her the way she was, mate. 607 00:44:52,399 --> 00:44:56,313 A complete fucking bitch. Aah. 608 00:45:01,448 --> 00:45:03,774 Mate, thanks for saving my life. 609 00:45:03,951 --> 00:45:06,905 Hey, you know me, fella. 610 00:45:07,079 --> 00:45:11,408 I got your back. Always have, always will. 611 00:45:12,834 --> 00:45:14,744 - Right, got 'em. - What are you doing? 612 00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:18,169 - What do you think? - What, Lotte was gonna... 613 00:45:18,339 --> 00:45:21,008 You know what they say about extreme situations. 614 00:45:21,175 --> 00:45:25,386 And this, as I keep pointing out, my friend, is an extreme fucking situation. 615 00:45:25,554 --> 00:45:28,720 - Bit seedy, isn't it? - She's worried she'll die a virgin, 616 00:45:28,890 --> 00:45:32,009 and frankly, I'm willing to take any opportunity I can get. 617 00:45:32,184 --> 00:45:35,186 Emotional vulnerability, fear of imminent death, vampire attacks. 618 00:45:35,354 --> 00:45:38,475 - Screw it. I don't give a shit. Hi. - [Footsteps approaching] 619 00:45:39,567 --> 00:45:42,436 How are you doing? 620 00:45:42,611 --> 00:45:46,146 - What happened? - Oh, God. Um... 621 00:45:46,323 --> 00:45:50,486 [clears throat] As I suspected, 622 00:45:50,660 --> 00:45:54,824 - Judy was a vampire. - We killed her. 623 00:45:54,998 --> 00:45:56,907 Fantastic. 624 00:46:09,469 --> 00:46:12,174 - Um, I'm going for a piss. - What, outside? 625 00:46:12,347 --> 00:46:14,718 Do I look like a twat? 626 00:46:23,983 --> 00:46:27,019 - [Snarling] - [Gasping] 627 00:46:29,821 --> 00:46:33,569 Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, gosh! 628 00:46:33,741 --> 00:46:35,402 Oh, God! Oh, God! 629 00:46:35,577 --> 00:46:37,949 Why aren't they coming in? Judy walked in. 630 00:46:38,120 --> 00:46:41,241 No, they have to be invited in. You invited Judy in. 631 00:46:41,415 --> 00:46:43,538 Oh. 632 00:46:45,836 --> 00:46:50,248 So all we have to do is sit tight till morning. 633 00:46:50,423 --> 00:46:52,630 I mean, It's not like I'm gonna say, 634 00:46:52,801 --> 00:46:56,633 "Hey, lesbian vampires, come into my cottage", is it? Oh, shit! 635 00:47:02,727 --> 00:47:06,095 Under full-on lesbian vampire attack? 636 00:47:06,271 --> 00:47:09,106 Still got it, fella. 637 00:47:10,275 --> 00:47:13,479 Look, I was being ironic. 638 00:47:13,653 --> 00:47:15,979 Guys? 639 00:47:17,573 --> 00:47:19,899 [Hisses] 640 00:47:25,122 --> 00:47:27,198 McLaren. 641 00:47:27,374 --> 00:47:30,161 - She knows my name. - That's not a good sign. 642 00:47:30,335 --> 00:47:35,128 [Sniffs] She is pure. 643 00:47:39,427 --> 00:47:41,466 - [Screams] - Fletch! 644 00:47:48,352 --> 00:47:51,021 When in Rome... 645 00:47:56,276 --> 00:47:58,767 [voices whispering] 646 00:47:58,946 --> 00:48:01,732 - Get away from him. - Fuck off! 647 00:48:02,282 --> 00:48:04,570 [Zipper unzips] 648 00:48:09,579 --> 00:48:15,036 - [Groaning] - [Snarling] 649 00:48:20,632 --> 00:48:22,624 [Screeches] 650 00:48:26,970 --> 00:48:30,636 - Nice. - Get her into the shower. 651 00:48:30,808 --> 00:48:33,559 Quick! Quick! 652 00:48:33,727 --> 00:48:35,386 - [Screams] - Quick! Turn it on! 653 00:48:39,065 --> 00:48:42,850 Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name. 654 00:48:43,027 --> 00:48:45,696 Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth... 655 00:48:45,863 --> 00:48:49,943 Give us this day... Push her back! She must stay underwater. 656 00:48:50,118 --> 00:48:52,822 Push her back! Push her back under. 657 00:48:52,995 --> 00:48:57,455 - Oh, God! - Keep her under! Don't let her go! 658 00:48:57,624 --> 00:49:01,753 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, 659 00:49:01,920 --> 00:49:04,624 as we forgive those who trespass against us... 660 00:49:04,797 --> 00:49:07,466 - Fuck off! - Keep going. 661 00:49:07,633 --> 00:49:11,797 Fucking hell! [shouting] 662 00:49:11,971 --> 00:49:14,426 For Thine is the kingdom. Jesus compels you! 663 00:49:14,598 --> 00:49:17,718 Oh, God, I love Jesus! I love you, Jesus. 664 00:49:17,893 --> 00:49:22,519 - And the glory forever. - All things bright and beautiful! 665 00:49:22,689 --> 00:49:24,977 - Forever and ever. - [Screaming] 666 00:49:29,070 --> 00:49:30,778 Amen. 667 00:49:31,738 --> 00:49:34,359 [Shouting] What the fuck? 668 00:49:34,532 --> 00:49:37,652 We need to go quickly. Your friends have already been taken. 669 00:49:37,827 --> 00:49:40,318 - Ah, shite. - There's no time to waste. Let's go! 670 00:49:40,497 --> 00:49:43,367 Hang on. How did you know all this was happening? 671 00:49:43,541 --> 00:49:46,032 You and your friends were sent as sacrifices. 672 00:49:46,210 --> 00:49:50,290 It's an age-old deal, where the villagers supply fresh blood. 673 00:49:50,464 --> 00:49:53,215 In return, they get to keep their cowardly hides. 674 00:49:53,383 --> 00:49:57,333 So we were just a light buffet for a bunch of hot dykes? 675 00:49:57,513 --> 00:50:01,841 To my shame, yes. Your friend's arrival in our hamlet is no coincidence. 676 00:50:02,016 --> 00:50:05,385 It's divine intervention fulfilling a primordial prophecy. 677 00:50:05,562 --> 00:50:08,681 - Balls! - Does he bear a birthmark? 678 00:50:08,856 --> 00:50:11,348 - Five red scratches around here? - Yeah. 679 00:50:11,525 --> 00:50:14,527 His bloodline is the key to the resurrection 680 00:50:14,695 --> 00:50:19,321 of the purest evil known to mankind: Carmilla, the vampire queen. 681 00:50:19,492 --> 00:50:21,282 Eh? 682 00:50:21,452 --> 00:50:24,024 Paradoxically, the only thing that can lift this village 683 00:50:24,204 --> 00:50:26,824 from a centuries-old curse that turns every woman 684 00:50:26,998 --> 00:50:30,035 on her 18th birthday into a vampire. 685 00:50:30,209 --> 00:50:34,337 My daughter, Rebecca, becomes 18 within hours. 686 00:50:34,505 --> 00:50:37,624 Right. Look, I know you mean well. I really do. 687 00:50:37,800 --> 00:50:40,420 And I love the vibe. You look amazing. But... 688 00:50:40,594 --> 00:50:45,718 I've seen weird shit, and even under these circumstances this is a stretch. 689 00:50:45,890 --> 00:50:48,974 Jimmy's not the Messiah. He can barely wipe his own arse. 690 00:50:49,143 --> 00:50:52,428 I understand your confusion. Let's be on our way. 691 00:50:52,604 --> 00:50:55,274 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Daddy-o. Go where? 692 00:50:55,441 --> 00:50:58,810 - Back to the village. No time to waste. - Fuck that noise. 693 00:50:58,985 --> 00:51:01,310 - I'm sorry? - I'm not going back out there. 694 00:51:01,488 --> 00:51:05,237 I've nearly been eaten three times by the hottest women I've ever met. 695 00:51:05,409 --> 00:51:07,152 Starting to become a bind. 696 00:51:07,327 --> 00:51:11,406 But it's not too late to save your friends, this village, the entire world! 697 00:51:11,580 --> 00:51:14,071 Yeah, well, you know, best of luck with it. 698 00:51:14,249 --> 00:51:18,294 - I hope you get on all right. - Are you fucking with me? 699 00:51:18,462 --> 00:51:21,796 - Are you allowed to swear? - Shut up. 700 00:51:21,965 --> 00:51:25,833 You telling me you'd let eternal darkness sweep over this entire planet 701 00:51:26,010 --> 00:51:28,928 and leave your friends to die? Your friends? 702 00:51:29,097 --> 00:51:32,513 Well, I only really know Jimmy. I just met the girl tonight. So... 703 00:51:32,684 --> 00:51:36,727 OK. Stay here and die. 704 00:51:41,441 --> 00:51:43,233 Oh... 705 00:51:47,029 --> 00:51:48,938 What's with all the scratches? 706 00:51:49,115 --> 00:51:51,274 The cruciform. It drives the beasts away. 707 00:51:53,202 --> 00:51:56,322 - It looks shit. - Just get in. 708 00:51:57,372 --> 00:52:01,240 OK, scratch master. Where the fuck are we going? 709 00:52:01,419 --> 00:52:03,706 The tomb of your friend's great ancestor. 710 00:52:35,616 --> 00:52:38,403 Fletch! 711 00:52:45,376 --> 00:52:49,158 [Voice echoing] Sisters, 712 00:52:49,337 --> 00:52:54,544 a moment that has infested our dreams and our desires 713 00:52:54,717 --> 00:52:58,050 for what seems like an eternity... 714 00:52:58,220 --> 00:53:01,719 ...is finally upon us. 715 00:53:03,934 --> 00:53:05,808 [Moans] 716 00:53:10,982 --> 00:53:13,603 For this night, 717 00:53:13,776 --> 00:53:18,521 the last of the McLaren clan shall fall, 718 00:53:18,697 --> 00:53:23,323 and our queen shall rise again. 719 00:53:23,493 --> 00:53:26,992 - Carmilla? - The vampire queen? 720 00:53:29,124 --> 00:53:31,411 - [Grunts] - Sorry. Carry on. 721 00:53:33,586 --> 00:53:36,835 So his blood mixed with my virgin blood brings her back? 722 00:53:37,005 --> 00:53:39,544 You know a lot, pretty one. 723 00:53:39,717 --> 00:53:43,086 I've heard of Carmilla, but never have I heard of you. 724 00:53:43,261 --> 00:53:46,512 Obviously you're not evil enough to even make the history books. 725 00:53:46,681 --> 00:53:48,757 [Gasps] 726 00:53:53,271 --> 00:53:55,310 Well... 727 00:53:55,481 --> 00:54:00,142 [sniffs]... soon she will know of you. 728 00:54:01,737 --> 00:54:07,359 And with her resurrection, this land will be ensnared forever 729 00:54:07,534 --> 00:54:11,199 in the dawn of the red moon. 730 00:54:16,292 --> 00:54:17,620 [Mouthing] 731 00:54:17,793 --> 00:54:21,577 McLaren, these are your final moments on earth. 732 00:54:21,756 --> 00:54:24,080 Oh. Mmm. 733 00:54:25,550 --> 00:54:28,385 [Vampires moaning] 734 00:54:32,515 --> 00:54:36,809 The final resting place of Baron Wolfgang McLaren III. 735 00:54:38,813 --> 00:54:40,770 Jimmy's the reason I ended up in this shit-hole? 736 00:54:40,940 --> 00:54:43,098 He is our salvation and our only hope. 737 00:54:43,275 --> 00:54:46,975 The prophesy foretold of when the last of the McLaren clan would return. 738 00:54:47,154 --> 00:54:50,404 With his blood and that of a virgin, Carmilla shall rise again. 739 00:54:50,574 --> 00:54:52,779 Concealed within this tomb is the weapon 740 00:54:52,950 --> 00:54:55,738 that can slay the beast forever: The sword of Daeldo. 741 00:54:55,912 --> 00:54:59,446 - And what's that, then? - Daeldo, the god of lust, 742 00:54:59,623 --> 00:55:03,038 said to be Carmilla's arch demonic foe in the underworld of Hades. 743 00:55:03,209 --> 00:55:05,001 A hideous multi-tentacled beast. 744 00:55:05,170 --> 00:55:08,005 The only being brave enough to have tried to penetrate 745 00:55:08,173 --> 00:55:11,174 Carmilla's vilest depths, and paid for it with his life. 746 00:55:11,342 --> 00:55:13,833 Let me get this straight. Your plan is, 747 00:55:14,011 --> 00:55:18,057 wait for this bitch to be resurrected, stake her with the sword of whatever, 748 00:55:18,224 --> 00:55:21,557 thus rescuing my mate, curing your daughter, ending the curse 749 00:55:21,727 --> 00:55:24,681 - and saving the planet. - Exactly. So, are you with me? 750 00:55:24,854 --> 00:55:27,725 Not really. I ain't got much fucking choice, have I? 751 00:55:27,900 --> 00:55:29,692 - [Bell tolls] - [Gasps] 752 00:55:29,861 --> 00:55:32,612 You do this. I need to check on my Rebecca. 753 00:55:32,779 --> 00:55:34,903 What? Now I've got to unearth a corpse? 754 00:55:35,073 --> 00:55:38,821 - Concealed within this tomb is... - Yeah, yeah. Save me the monologues. 755 00:55:42,997 --> 00:55:46,282 This is officially the worst holiday ever. 756 00:55:48,794 --> 00:55:49,992 [Grunts] 757 00:56:09,104 --> 00:56:13,148 - So there's a red moon, right? - Forget about the red moon. 758 00:56:13,316 --> 00:56:15,523 She said the last McLaren will fall. 759 00:56:15,693 --> 00:56:18,730 Yeah, I kind of missed that bit. 760 00:56:18,905 --> 00:56:21,739 Oh. Well... 761 00:56:21,907 --> 00:56:25,526 - That'll be me, then. Oh, bollocks. - Shut up. I'm thinking. 762 00:56:25,703 --> 00:56:28,573 What can you be thinking about at a time like this? 763 00:56:28,748 --> 00:56:31,154 - How we are going to escape. - Fantastic. Any ideas? 764 00:56:31,333 --> 00:56:33,789 - No, have you? - Not a fucking sausage. 765 00:56:33,961 --> 00:56:35,454 Come on, think! 766 00:56:35,629 --> 00:56:39,294 I'm too busy shitting myself to come up with a daring escape plan. 767 00:56:44,511 --> 00:56:49,470 - [Branches creaking] - [Panting] 768 00:56:52,853 --> 00:56:56,187 - You're cute. - What? 769 00:56:56,355 --> 00:56:58,348 It's our first argument. 770 00:57:04,446 --> 00:57:07,696 Vic, we're doomed. That ain't opening. 771 00:57:07,867 --> 00:57:09,905 Move. 772 00:57:12,121 --> 00:57:14,826 [Hissing, groaning] 773 00:57:14,998 --> 00:57:17,999 In my defence, I only tried that side, so... 774 00:57:20,295 --> 00:57:22,370 [groaning] 775 00:57:31,138 --> 00:57:33,464 - You go down there, my boy. - Excuse me? 776 00:57:33,640 --> 00:57:37,969 - There's no time to waste. Hurry up. - Well, you go down, then. 777 00:57:40,688 --> 00:57:45,479 Oh, my... Unbelievable. It's not my daughter. 778 00:57:47,361 --> 00:57:52,486 - Can you see the sword? - Give me a minute, please. 779 00:57:52,658 --> 00:57:56,951 It's my first time in a tomb... grave... stone. 780 00:58:04,126 --> 00:58:05,870 [Laughing] 781 00:58:06,045 --> 00:58:07,704 What? What is it? 782 00:58:07,880 --> 00:58:10,798 It's nothing. 783 00:58:10,966 --> 00:58:13,089 [Laughing] 784 00:58:14,844 --> 00:58:19,969 - What's so funny in there? - [Laughing continues] 785 00:58:23,978 --> 00:58:26,516 It's got a big metal cock for a handle. 786 00:58:26,689 --> 00:58:30,473 Grow up! The handle draws on the power of the demon Daeldo, 787 00:58:30,651 --> 00:58:34,600 rendering this blade alone capable of destroying her once and for all. 788 00:58:36,114 --> 00:58:40,277 - What? How? - It just does, OK? 789 00:58:41,368 --> 00:58:45,236 We're gonna go there, and we're gonna to die, right? 790 00:58:45,414 --> 00:58:47,787 All because you insist some sword, 791 00:58:47,959 --> 00:58:50,745 with a metal cock on the end, can save the world? 792 00:58:50,920 --> 00:58:53,671 - You're a disgrace. - At least I can see the funny side. 793 00:58:53,839 --> 00:58:58,334 Let's get on with the job. I'll load up on weapons. You cover the baron up. 794 00:59:02,597 --> 00:59:05,632 [Fletch] Will you just admit it does look like a cock? 795 00:59:06,726 --> 00:59:11,352 - [Grunting, straining] - Jimmy, can I tell you something? 796 00:59:11,522 --> 00:59:14,606 - Have you come up with a plan? - No, I'm still thinking. 797 00:59:14,775 --> 00:59:17,146 I think we're running out of time. 798 00:59:18,653 --> 00:59:22,152 I just wanted to say that had we met under different circumstances, 799 00:59:22,323 --> 00:59:24,565 I would've liked to have gotten to know you. 800 00:59:24,742 --> 00:59:26,486 - Really? - Yes. 801 00:59:26,661 --> 00:59:30,326 In fact, even though we've just spent a few hours together, 802 00:59:30,497 --> 00:59:32,786 I feel like I've known you forever. 803 00:59:36,378 --> 00:59:39,047 - Really? - Yes. 804 00:59:39,214 --> 00:59:42,215 I thought you might have picked up on my signals. 805 00:59:43,551 --> 00:59:45,876 Signals? What signals? What did I miss? 806 00:59:47,680 --> 00:59:49,423 Jimmy, I love you. 807 00:59:55,229 --> 00:59:58,514 - Well, that's just fucking great. - I didn't mean to upset you. 808 00:59:58,691 --> 01:00:02,853 - On the brink of death, you say that? - I can't die without letting you know 809 01:00:03,027 --> 01:00:06,063 you're the first man I could share myself with completely. 810 01:00:06,238 --> 01:00:09,359 - Oh, for Christ's sake. - I would've given you everything: 811 01:00:09,533 --> 01:00:12,451 My mind, soul and body. 812 01:00:12,620 --> 01:00:16,451 - And body. Hmm. - And now that'll never be. 813 01:00:23,797 --> 01:00:26,666 - It is time. [hisses] - [Jimmy] Oh, God! 814 01:00:30,595 --> 01:00:33,714 - That's my penis. - Get off him, you bitch! He's mine! 815 01:00:40,395 --> 01:00:42,802 [Exhaling heavily] 816 01:00:44,107 --> 01:00:46,146 Wow. 817 01:00:52,072 --> 01:00:56,152 What? What did you just say? 818 01:00:56,326 --> 01:00:59,446 You called me a what? I'm a fat piece of what? 819 01:00:59,621 --> 01:01:01,697 [Exclaiming] 820 01:01:06,795 --> 01:01:11,005 No one messes with the Fletchmeister and his cock sword. 821 01:01:12,549 --> 01:01:18,303 Oh, hello. Um, I wasn't doing, um... 822 01:01:18,472 --> 01:01:22,303 Star Wars is not, uh... Aah! Chewie. I wasn't... [clears throat] 823 01:01:22,475 --> 01:01:25,643 What are you doing out? You probably shouldn't be out here. 824 01:01:25,811 --> 01:01:28,599 I know. 825 01:01:28,773 --> 01:01:33,020 - So, it's your birthday? - Today. 826 01:01:33,194 --> 01:01:35,519 It's just gone midnight. 827 01:01:36,905 --> 01:01:40,654 All... grown... up. 828 01:01:43,245 --> 01:01:46,115 - So you're 18? - Uh-huh. 829 01:01:46,957 --> 01:01:48,996 - But Daddy wouldn't approve anyway. - Oh. 830 01:01:49,167 --> 01:01:52,168 - [Snarls, gasps] - [Sword thrusts] 831 01:01:53,880 --> 01:01:55,919 [Gasping] 832 01:01:58,174 --> 01:02:00,215 Daddy! 833 01:02:18,736 --> 01:02:20,894 [Vicar] Fletch! 834 01:02:27,369 --> 01:02:29,445 - Ready? - Yep. 835 01:02:31,331 --> 01:02:35,197 We have little time. My Rebecca will soon be taken. 836 01:02:35,376 --> 01:02:37,119 Yep. 837 01:02:40,798 --> 01:02:43,917 [All moaning, hissing] 838 01:02:58,773 --> 01:03:01,394 You have his eyes. 839 01:03:01,567 --> 01:03:04,401 I used to love those eyes. 840 01:03:04,569 --> 01:03:07,605 Until I learned how pathetic men are. 841 01:03:07,781 --> 01:03:10,153 - [Gasps] - [Exclaiming] 842 01:03:15,871 --> 01:03:19,322 Mmm! Exquisite. 843 01:03:20,125 --> 01:03:24,786 I will bleed you slowly and let Carmilla feed upon your flesh 844 01:03:24,963 --> 01:03:27,585 while it is still warm in your veins. 845 01:03:39,101 --> 01:03:44,687 - [� Amazing Grace plays] - � Amazing grace 846 01:03:44,856 --> 01:03:49,731 Look, the moon bleeds. The resurrection has begun. 847 01:03:49,902 --> 01:03:52,608 Here. Holy water. 848 01:03:52,781 --> 01:03:55,152 It's like a fucking hand grenade of acid. 849 01:03:55,324 --> 01:03:57,032 - You said "fucking" again. - So? 850 01:03:57,201 --> 01:03:58,695 - It's weird. - Get over it. 851 01:03:58,870 --> 01:04:01,870 There's no need to panic, my friend. Just stay close to me. 852 01:04:02,039 --> 01:04:04,908 I'm well-versed in the knowledge of killing vampires. 853 01:04:05,083 --> 01:04:10,539 Yeah, so is everyone. Stakes, garlic, beheading, holy water, sunlight... 854 01:04:10,713 --> 01:04:13,121 There's not a fucker alive who doesn't know that. 855 01:04:13,299 --> 01:04:15,090 - Really? - Yeah. 856 01:04:15,259 --> 01:04:18,592 It's in books, films, telly. It's pretty common knowledge. 857 01:04:24,894 --> 01:04:27,847 Were you expecting many sexual encounters, my friend? 858 01:04:30,190 --> 01:04:31,933 Water bomb fight. 859 01:04:32,107 --> 01:04:35,808 So where's this resurrection likely to be happening? 860 01:04:35,987 --> 01:04:39,522 In there. The crypt of Carmilla. 861 01:04:39,699 --> 01:04:42,272 [Fletch] I knew you were gonna say that. 862 01:04:42,451 --> 01:04:44,989 Never going to be somewhere un-scary-sounding, 863 01:04:45,163 --> 01:04:47,072 like the garden or scullery? 864 01:04:47,247 --> 01:04:48,990 - "Scullery" is quite scary. - Eh? 865 01:04:49,165 --> 01:04:51,323 "Scullery" has got the word "skull" in it. 866 01:04:51,501 --> 01:04:54,917 As opposed to the crypt, which has got corpses in it. Well observed. 867 01:04:57,090 --> 01:05:00,256 Remember this: They can die fast or they can die slow, 868 01:05:00,426 --> 01:05:01,836 but they have to die. 869 01:05:02,011 --> 01:05:06,008 - Can't we do this in the morning? - It may be too late for your friends. 870 01:05:06,181 --> 01:05:09,384 - It will be too late for Rebecca. - No, I'm good. 871 01:05:09,559 --> 01:05:11,267 Well, this is it. 872 01:05:11,436 --> 01:05:15,683 Good luck, Fletch. Let's try to come back alive. 873 01:05:15,857 --> 01:05:17,684 Vic... 874 01:05:19,568 --> 01:05:22,142 If I don't make it out of this, 875 01:05:22,322 --> 01:05:25,192 there's one thing I want you to know: 876 01:05:25,366 --> 01:05:27,691 I blame you entirely. 877 01:06:25,712 --> 01:06:29,413 So this is how your bloodline ends: 878 01:06:29,591 --> 01:06:31,714 Crying like a baby. 879 01:06:31,885 --> 01:06:35,135 Begging for your life. [laughs] 880 01:06:35,305 --> 01:06:38,259 - Please... - Jimmy, pull yourself together. 881 01:06:38,433 --> 01:06:41,267 - Don't give her the satisfaction. - No. 882 01:06:41,435 --> 01:06:45,136 You'll give me my satisfaction. 883 01:06:45,314 --> 01:06:48,268 Lotte, just so you know, before she turns you, 884 01:06:48,442 --> 01:06:50,979 I found you really attractive, pre-vampirism. 885 01:06:51,153 --> 01:06:53,858 - You did? - [Hisses] 886 01:06:55,615 --> 01:06:57,737 [Vampires groaning] 887 01:07:00,870 --> 01:07:02,862 - We have an escape plan. - What? 888 01:07:03,038 --> 01:07:04,368 Fletch will save us. 889 01:07:04,540 --> 01:07:07,327 Fletch? He's fucking useless. We're dead meat. 890 01:07:07,502 --> 01:07:10,870 - Hey! You cheeky prick. - Fletch! 891 01:07:11,046 --> 01:07:13,122 - [All snarling] - Although, to be fair, 892 01:07:13,298 --> 01:07:16,381 if I could've avoided being here, I would've. 893 01:07:19,887 --> 01:07:21,760 [All gasping] 894 01:07:23,098 --> 01:07:26,219 Oh, damn. 895 01:07:26,394 --> 01:07:29,597 - I told you he was fucking useless. - [Laughing] 896 01:07:30,772 --> 01:07:33,892 - Damn, damn! - You ever fired that thing before? 897 01:07:34,067 --> 01:07:36,818 - First time. - Watch and weep. So! 898 01:07:38,446 --> 01:07:41,613 You clam-lappers fancy a piece of me then, do you? 899 01:07:43,242 --> 01:07:45,946 - Come on, then. - Kill them. 900 01:07:46,120 --> 01:07:50,034 - [All snarling] - Oh, fuck! 901 01:08:07,931 --> 01:08:10,505 Oh, wait up. Fuck this. 902 01:08:10,684 --> 01:08:13,769 Your friend's blood has already been drawn. 903 01:08:13,937 --> 01:08:16,808 - The resurrection has begun. - We gotta get out of here. 904 01:08:16,982 --> 01:08:19,555 We can't. Darkness is upon us. Your friends, Rebecca... 905 01:08:19,734 --> 01:08:21,893 I reckon I can probably live with that. 906 01:08:22,070 --> 01:08:23,896 ...and the entire fucking world! 907 01:08:24,071 --> 01:08:27,522 You know how to put a guilt trip on, don't you, you fucker? 908 01:08:28,660 --> 01:08:33,237 Right. [strains] Let's do this. 909 01:08:38,126 --> 01:08:42,834 - It'll be OK. - How can this be OK? 910 01:08:43,005 --> 01:08:45,212 All I wanted to do was enjoy life. 911 01:08:45,382 --> 01:08:47,838 Hike, get some fresh air, a few pints. 912 01:08:48,009 --> 01:08:50,466 But no. Nothing's as simple as that, is it? 913 01:08:50,637 --> 01:08:53,176 And now we're gonna end up dead. 914 01:08:53,348 --> 01:08:56,966 Well, I'm gonna end up dead. You'll be a lesbian. 915 01:08:57,144 --> 01:08:59,635 And I've not even made love to a man. 916 01:08:59,812 --> 01:09:01,436 Oh! 917 01:09:09,988 --> 01:09:11,448 The crypt is through here. 918 01:09:13,575 --> 01:09:15,733 - Fletch! - Spiritus Sancti. 919 01:09:17,746 --> 01:09:19,739 - Fletch! - [Vampires snarling] 920 01:09:20,999 --> 01:09:24,450 - Spiritus sancti. - Hurry up! 921 01:09:24,628 --> 01:09:27,628 - [Lotte] Jimmy? - Back, you spawn of Satan. 922 01:09:29,799 --> 01:09:31,209 - Fletch? - How you been? 923 01:09:31,383 --> 01:09:33,590 Up and down. 924 01:09:33,760 --> 01:09:35,837 [Growling] 925 01:09:37,222 --> 01:09:40,306 - There's only one solution now. - The big cock sword. 926 01:09:40,475 --> 01:09:41,850 - What? - Long story. 927 01:09:43,562 --> 01:09:46,812 - Hand me the sword of Daeldo. - Haven't you got it? 928 01:09:46,982 --> 01:09:48,226 I thought you had it. 929 01:09:48,399 --> 01:09:50,557 You're going on about how important it is. 930 01:09:50,734 --> 01:09:53,605 All we've got to do is wait for this bitch to rise, stab her, 931 01:09:53,779 --> 01:09:56,400 - and you forgot the sword? - Get it. I'll keep 'em off. 932 01:09:56,573 --> 01:09:58,862 - Tell Rebecca I love her. - About Rebecca... 933 01:09:59,033 --> 01:10:00,612 - Run, you fool! - All right! 934 01:10:31,105 --> 01:10:33,346 Jesus! 935 01:11:49,093 --> 01:11:53,672 - Whores of fucking Hades. - [Growling] Annihilate him. 936 01:11:53,849 --> 01:11:57,383 [All snarling] 937 01:11:57,559 --> 01:12:01,973 Prepare for fucking death! [shouts] 938 01:12:11,864 --> 01:12:15,068 [Fletch] Come on, you silly fuckers! 939 01:12:16,201 --> 01:12:19,866 - [Fletch] Lotte! - It's playtime, darling. 940 01:12:20,039 --> 01:12:21,070 [Shouts] 941 01:12:28,421 --> 01:12:30,829 Mmm! You are a feisty one. 942 01:12:33,259 --> 01:12:35,714 I like it. Aah! 943 01:12:44,937 --> 01:12:47,724 - It won't budge. - I have to help her. 944 01:12:47,897 --> 01:12:49,974 It's not gonna work. 945 01:12:52,110 --> 01:12:56,854 - What is it with you and doors? - Let's ram it. 946 01:12:57,907 --> 01:12:59,780 [Grunts, struggling] 947 01:13:01,451 --> 01:13:04,203 Mmm! You taste divine. 948 01:13:08,459 --> 01:13:10,250 - Keys. - Vicar's got them. 949 01:13:10,418 --> 01:13:12,326 - What? - Know how to hotwire a hearse? 950 01:13:12,503 --> 01:13:14,496 - Yeah, no worries. - Brilliant. Let's go. 951 01:13:14,673 --> 01:13:16,712 - Of course I don't, you idiot. - Shit. 952 01:13:25,349 --> 01:13:29,595 First I'm going to torture you, then I'm going to turn you. 953 01:13:29,769 --> 01:13:32,686 - You'll be my plaything. - Never! 954 01:13:32,855 --> 01:13:34,314 That's it, then. 955 01:13:34,482 --> 01:13:37,020 The problem with you, James, you're a pessimist. 956 01:13:37,193 --> 01:13:41,107 You might want to grab weapons. We could be in for a ruck. 957 01:13:43,157 --> 01:13:46,157 [Screaming] 958 01:13:50,163 --> 01:13:51,955 Come on! 959 01:14:00,256 --> 01:14:03,671 - That sword's got a cock for a handle. - It's funny, isn't it? 960 01:14:03,842 --> 01:14:06,843 It's the only thing that'll destroy that psycho bitch. 961 01:14:07,012 --> 01:14:08,921 It's very powerful and very ancient. 962 01:14:09,097 --> 01:14:12,014 - Sort of gay. - So get your own fucking sword. 963 01:14:12,183 --> 01:14:16,347 [Whispering voices] 964 01:14:20,315 --> 01:14:24,729 [Heart beating] 965 01:14:35,121 --> 01:14:38,206 I knew you would not resist me forever. 966 01:14:48,384 --> 01:14:50,293 [Cries out] 967 01:14:57,600 --> 01:15:00,684 Sorry, you're not my type. 968 01:15:21,622 --> 01:15:25,287 - Whoo-hoo! - [Female voice] Lotte. 969 01:16:06,122 --> 01:16:08,327 - Bollocks. - Fletch. 970 01:16:22,219 --> 01:16:24,426 - [Straining] - [Sword vibrating] 971 01:16:31,270 --> 01:16:34,353 - [Growling] - Oh, my God! 972 01:17:07,719 --> 01:17:09,795 McLaren. 973 01:17:18,772 --> 01:17:21,938 - Jimmy! - Throw it like you mean it! 974 01:17:43,294 --> 01:17:47,338 Un-fucking-believable! 975 01:17:47,548 --> 01:17:50,584 [Gasping] 976 01:18:00,393 --> 01:18:02,433 [Beating] 977 01:18:08,733 --> 01:18:12,981 [Screaming] 978 01:18:26,167 --> 01:18:28,243 [Cock crows] 979 01:18:41,138 --> 01:18:44,092 Is somebody taking the piss? 980 01:18:44,266 --> 01:18:48,099 The sword of Daeldo is a mighty weapon indeed. 981 01:18:49,521 --> 01:18:51,146 Looks like the vic was right. 982 01:18:51,315 --> 01:18:54,730 Everyone seems to know what's going on bar me. What just happened? 983 01:18:54,901 --> 01:18:58,021 It's all cock swords and scary stuff and history and that. 984 01:18:58,196 --> 01:19:00,235 - I'll tell you later. - Tell me now. 985 01:19:00,407 --> 01:19:01,782 - I will. - When? 986 01:19:01,950 --> 01:19:03,859 Mate, do you want to calm down? 987 01:19:04,035 --> 01:19:07,285 I've had a bit of a busy night. I'll tell you in a minute. 988 01:19:07,455 --> 01:19:10,160 - Whoa. - No, look. Sunlight. 989 01:19:10,333 --> 01:19:13,867 - [Women groaning] - The curse has lifted. 990 01:19:14,044 --> 01:19:17,912 - So they're not vampires anymore? - No. 991 01:19:18,089 --> 01:19:21,375 Cool. Are they still lesbians? 992 01:19:21,550 --> 01:19:25,050 For fuck's sake. 993 01:19:27,598 --> 01:19:29,426 Uh... 994 01:19:37,774 --> 01:19:40,443 Unbelievable. Save the day, not even a kiss. 995 01:19:40,610 --> 01:19:43,101 Do you know what? Actually, forget it. 996 01:19:43,280 --> 01:19:45,188 Forget it. Forget it. Let it go. 997 01:19:45,365 --> 01:19:48,070 Let it go, Fletch. You're the bigger man. 998 01:19:50,244 --> 01:19:53,364 [Engine grinds, starts] 999 01:19:54,498 --> 01:19:58,827 Whoa! That's some mighty fine hotwiring skills you got there, lady. 1000 01:19:59,002 --> 01:20:01,458 Thanks. Right. Now what? 1001 01:20:01,630 --> 01:20:04,203 Don't know. Go home? 1002 01:20:04,383 --> 01:20:08,380 Go home? They've taken my friends, they very nearly took our lives, 1003 01:20:08,553 --> 01:20:11,470 and we never even dreamed they existed before tonight. 1004 01:20:11,639 --> 01:20:14,925 How can we just go home to our beds? 1005 01:20:15,101 --> 01:20:17,306 - What's she talking about? - Uh... 1006 01:20:17,477 --> 01:20:19,019 This village is free, 1007 01:20:19,187 --> 01:20:22,888 but more creatures like Carmilla lurk in the dark corners of the world. 1008 01:20:23,066 --> 01:20:25,273 No one would believe us if we tell. 1009 01:20:25,444 --> 01:20:27,934 We are the only people who know the truth. 1010 01:20:28,112 --> 01:20:30,817 We must go out there and fight this menace. 1011 01:20:30,990 --> 01:20:34,987 Are you suggesting we become lesbian vampire killers? 1012 01:20:35,160 --> 01:20:38,077 If that's what it takes, ja. 1013 01:20:40,415 --> 01:20:44,994 Well, I ain't got anything else on in particular at the moment, so I'm in. 1014 01:20:45,169 --> 01:20:47,079 - Jim? - I don't know. 1015 01:20:47,256 --> 01:20:50,421 Oh, come on. It's in your blood, your destiny, all that shit. 1016 01:20:50,591 --> 01:20:52,002 - Huh? - I'll tell you later. 1017 01:20:52,176 --> 01:20:56,090 - Come on. You might as well. - Join us. 1018 01:20:56,262 --> 01:20:59,300 Lesbian vampire killers, it is. Let's ride. 1019 01:20:59,475 --> 01:21:01,716 - [Laughing] - Whoo-hoo! 1020 01:21:02,352 --> 01:21:04,925 [Laughing, cheering continues] 1021 01:21:18,700 --> 01:21:21,192 [Howling]