1
00:00:33,299 --> 00:00:35,034
KAREN: So we have
aisle seats, we have
2
00:00:35,036 --> 00:00:37,169
a couple of drinks,
and we get to the airport.
3
00:00:37,171 --> 00:00:39,371
Neither of us speaks a word of Italian,
by the way. (CHUCKLING)
4
00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:41,106
So this guy thinks
he'll be able to
5
00:00:41,108 --> 00:00:44,276
find his luggage if he speaks Pig Latin.
Ah.
6
00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:46,311
Yeah, that's right.
I said "Looking for bags."
7
00:00:46,313 --> 00:00:50,082
But it came out "Ook-in-lay or-fay ags-bay."
8
00:00:50,084 --> 00:00:51,283
(BOTH LAUGHING)
9
00:00:51,285 --> 00:00:53,485
That is too funny.
10
00:00:53,487 --> 00:00:56,255
I said "That's it.
I'm never leaving the country again." Ugh!
11
00:00:56,257 --> 00:00:58,257
Joel can't even leave the Upper West Side of Manhattan.
12
00:00:58,259 --> 00:01:00,125
That's true. For me,
the perfect vacation
13
00:01:00,127 --> 00:01:01,827
is getting a cheese danish
from Zabar's
14
00:01:01,829 --> 00:01:03,562
and curling up with
the Sunday Times.
15
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:04,797
(CHUCKLING)
16
00:01:04,799 --> 00:01:06,598
So do you still
read The Times?
17
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,200
Oh, boy. Kyle thinks
The Times has gone downhill.
18
00:01:08,202 --> 00:01:09,535
Now, I beg to differ.
19
00:01:09,537 --> 00:01:11,370
It's nothing but
a worthless yellow rag.
20
00:01:11,372 --> 00:01:13,405
We've been having this fight since the day we met.
21
00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:15,207
(CHUCKLES) Well,
it probably seems that way. Hmm.
22
00:01:15,209 --> 00:01:17,376
No, we literally met when we were both on a panel
23
00:01:17,378 --> 00:01:19,711
at the Guggenheim debating the
merits of the New York Times.
24
00:01:19,713 --> 00:01:21,613
And I said, "Who is
this know-it-all girl?"
25
00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:23,615
And I thought,
"Who is this pompous guy?"
26
00:01:23,617 --> 00:01:25,851
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
27
00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:28,387
Anyway, our heated discussion
continued over a bottle of merlot.
28
00:01:28,389 --> 00:01:32,791
Let's just say the discussing part stopped,
but the heated part continued.
29
00:01:32,793 --> 00:01:35,594
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Okay.
30
00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:37,830
For better or worse,
we've been together ever since.
31
00:01:37,832 --> 00:01:39,431
Probably worse, right?
32
00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:42,267
Oh, definitely for worse.
It's awful.
33
00:01:44,137 --> 00:01:46,672
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
34
00:01:46,674 --> 00:01:49,675
So, Joel, Molly,
how'd you two meet?
35
00:01:49,677 --> 00:01:51,610
Oh, boy.
That's a long story. Yeah.
36
00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:54,213
Oh, we've got time.
Waiter! More wine.
37
00:01:54,215 --> 00:01:57,116
Well, it's kind of a corny,
romantic comedy kind of story.
38
00:01:57,118 --> 00:01:58,117
That's true.
That is true.
39
00:01:58,119 --> 00:02:00,119
Really? How so?
40
00:02:00,121 --> 00:02:02,688
Well, Joel is kind of a typical
romantic comedy leading man.
41
00:02:02,690 --> 00:02:04,790
He's handsome, but in
a non-threatening way.
42
00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:06,358
Yeah, I can see that.
43
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:08,227
Vaguely but not
overtly Jewish.
44
00:02:08,229 --> 00:02:10,129
You're right.
He's just Jewish enough.
45
00:02:10,131 --> 00:02:12,397
And Molly is the kind
of cute, klutzy
46
00:02:12,399 --> 00:02:14,500
girl that sometimes will
drive you a little crazy,
47
00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:15,901
but you can't help but fall in love with her.
(CHUCKLES)
48
00:02:15,903 --> 00:02:17,669
Guilty.
49
00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:19,838
Okay. So we have our main characters.
Not quite.
50
00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:23,308
There is another character that was
just as important as the two of us.
51
00:02:23,310 --> 00:02:25,244
Mmm.
New York City.
52
00:02:25,246 --> 00:02:27,212
Ah! Mmm.
53
00:02:27,214 --> 00:02:28,881
So New York City is
like another character?
54
00:02:28,883 --> 00:02:30,682
Yeah.
55
00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:34,353
So if there was a movie about your relationship,
56
00:02:34,355 --> 00:02:37,422
it would probably start with aerial
shots of the Manhattan skyline.
57
00:02:37,424 --> 00:02:39,158
Exactly.
58
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:40,826
(HAPPY MUSIC PLAYING)
59
00:02:49,602 --> 00:02:52,237
JOEL: I was living in a loft on Broadway and 86th Street,
60
00:02:52,239 --> 00:02:53,906
and I had a girlfriend
at the time, Tiffany.
61
00:02:53,908 --> 00:02:56,208
She worked in
the fashion industry.
62
00:02:56,210 --> 00:02:58,477
Very put together.
Never had a hair out of place.
63
00:02:58,479 --> 00:03:00,846
But there was something
cold about her.
64
00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:02,181
Hey, you.
65
00:03:02,183 --> 00:03:03,515
Hey.
66
00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:04,850
I love you.
67
00:03:04,852 --> 00:03:07,786
Mmm, and I admire
your spirit.
68
00:03:10,523 --> 00:03:12,891
Thanks.
69
00:03:12,893 --> 00:03:15,294
MOLLY: And I was just
getting over a break-up,
70
00:03:15,296 --> 00:03:17,896
so the closest thing I had to a
boyfriend was my dog, Charlie.
71
00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:20,399
Hey, handsome!
(GROUP LAUGHING)
72
00:03:20,401 --> 00:03:22,434
MOLLY: I wasn't all put
together like Tiffany.
73
00:03:22,436 --> 00:03:25,304
In fact, as Joel said earlier,
I was a real klutz.
74
00:03:25,306 --> 00:03:27,439
Oh.
75
00:03:27,441 --> 00:03:28,440
JOEL: Klutz is the understatement of the century.
76
00:03:28,442 --> 00:03:30,309
(GROUP LAUGHING)
77
00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:31,677
Oh, no!
78
00:03:33,246 --> 00:03:34,479
Oh, no!
79
00:03:36,649 --> 00:03:38,283
(SINGING ALONG)
80
00:03:46,526 --> 00:03:47,759
(SINGING ALONG)
81
00:03:52,398 --> 00:03:54,266
(BOTH SINGING)
82
00:03:56,603 --> 00:03:58,770
(WHISTLING)
83
00:04:04,010 --> 00:04:05,344
Oh!
84
00:04:06,846 --> 00:04:08,313
Ugh!
85
00:04:11,718 --> 00:04:14,586
JOEL: See,
New York is such an important part of our lives,
86
00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:15,854
it's almost like another
character in our story.
87
00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:18,290
KYLE: Right. You said that.
88
00:04:18,292 --> 00:04:20,425
MOLLY: I really didn't feel like I needed a love life,
you know?
89
00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:22,828
In fact,
New York City was almost like a boyfriend to me.
90
00:04:22,830 --> 00:04:24,496
KAREN: Oh, right.
91
00:04:24,498 --> 00:04:26,431
KYLE: That is so good.
KAREN: Very good.
92
00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:28,400
KYLE: That's very good.
That's very cool.
93
00:04:37,610 --> 00:04:41,747
MOLLY: Most importantly,
I had my little candy shop, Upper Sweet Side.
94
00:04:41,749 --> 00:04:43,849
I was living my dream,
of owning a shop that was
95
00:04:43,851 --> 00:04:47,519
charming and adorable,
and impossible not to like.
96
00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:51,590
You guys have not lived until you've
tried my Creamy Caramel Clusters.
97
00:04:51,592 --> 00:04:53,892
They're better than sex!
(JOEL AND KYLE CHUCKLING)
98
00:04:53,894 --> 00:04:55,827
When you've been married as long as we have,
99
00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:58,664
taking a stinky shit is better than having sex.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
100
00:04:58,666 --> 00:05:00,832
Only in New York, right?
101
00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:03,368
MOLLY: Anyway,
I was in no rush to meet someone new.
102
00:05:03,370 --> 00:05:06,938
I was mainly concerned about
trying to keep my business afloat.
103
00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:09,841
So many mom and pop shops being elbowed out
104
00:05:09,843 --> 00:05:12,744
by faceless evil
conglomerates like CSR.
105
00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:14,980
KAREN: Wait a minute.
106
00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:16,815
JOEL: That's right.
107
00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:19,418
I was an executive at
Candy Systems and Research.
108
00:05:19,420 --> 00:05:20,952
I was the bad guy!
109
00:05:20,954 --> 00:05:23,588
I didn't think of myself
as a corporate raider.
110
00:05:23,590 --> 00:05:26,091
I thought of myself as a nice guy with a great job.
111
00:05:26,093 --> 00:05:29,761
So he went down on me,
and I came in one second. (CHUCKLES)
112
00:05:29,763 --> 00:05:31,496
Morning, Melanie.
113
00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:33,498
Oh, my boss is here. I'll
call you later. Bye, Dad.
114
00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:35,467
JOEL: I had everything
there, corner office,
115
00:05:35,469 --> 00:05:37,669
the expense account,
the sexy girlfriend.
116
00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:39,604
I felt like I was ready
to take the next step.
117
00:05:39,606 --> 00:05:40,906
Bob, my best friend!
118
00:05:40,908 --> 00:05:42,674
Joel, my best buddy!
119
00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:44,876
Guess what? After
years of dating Tiffany,
120
00:05:44,878 --> 00:05:47,346
I'm finally popping
the question.
121
00:05:47,348 --> 00:05:49,881
Wow. So I guess you're finally dealing
with those commitment issues you have.
122
00:05:49,883 --> 00:05:51,750
Yeah, I even bought her a ring and everything.
123
00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:53,585
Amazing.
Because until now
124
00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:55,554
the only thing you've been willing to commit to
125
00:05:55,556 --> 00:05:58,023
are your commitment issues.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
126
00:06:01,127 --> 00:06:02,594
It's true.
127
00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:03,595
I'm happy
for you, buddy.
128
00:06:03,597 --> 00:06:04,663
Thanks, man.
129
00:06:04,665 --> 00:06:06,031
Hey, catch!
130
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,032
(BOTH YELL)
131
00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:08,433
He's got it!
132
00:06:08,435 --> 00:06:10,001
He's got a football!
Think quick!
133
00:06:10,003 --> 00:06:12,637
Boom! Boom! Right there!
Down and out, buttonhook!
134
00:06:12,639 --> 00:06:14,806
Go deep! Go deeper!
135
00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:16,575
(SCREAMING)
136
00:06:16,577 --> 00:06:18,009
Holy shit, Bob!
137
00:06:18,011 --> 00:06:19,778
BOB: Joel!
Oh, God!
138
00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:21,380
(GRUNTING)
139
00:06:21,382 --> 00:06:22,881
JOEL: Grab my hand!
BOB: Pull me up!
140
00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:24,549
JOEL: Grab my hand!
Hey, Joel.
141
00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:25,884
BOB: Joel?
142
00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:27,152
What do you
want, Trevor?
143
00:06:27,154 --> 00:06:29,154
Congrats on snaggin'
the Dickricker account.
144
00:06:30,156 --> 00:06:31,723
Yeah, right. Sure.
145
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,959
You ready for the big
meeting with Roland?
146
00:06:33,961 --> 00:06:37,062
I'd hate for you guys to screw everything up again,
like you did last time.
147
00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:39,531
So now I'm in line
for the big promotion.
148
00:06:39,533 --> 00:06:40,632
Not you.
149
00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:41,767
Pretty funny, huh?
150
00:06:43,703 --> 00:06:46,471
BOB: Joel? A little help here, buddy.
TREVOR: Oh, Joel...
151
00:06:46,473 --> 00:06:48,840
Is your girlfriend
Tiffany home right now?
152
00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:50,475
Yeah, she
should be. Why?
153
00:06:53,646 --> 00:06:54,880
No reason.
154
00:06:56,182 --> 00:06:57,682
What the...
155
00:06:57,684 --> 00:06:59,017
Sounds like this
Trevor guy's trying to
156
00:06:59,019 --> 00:07:00,519
get it on with
your girlfriend.
157
00:07:00,521 --> 00:07:02,154
Well, in retrospect,
I agree with you,
158
00:07:02,156 --> 00:07:03,688
but at the time it
seemed like he was just
159
00:07:03,690 --> 00:07:05,090
grabbing a condom
out of the rubber bowl
160
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:07,092
and headin' over to
meet my girlfriend.
161
00:07:09,128 --> 00:07:10,829
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
162
00:07:16,135 --> 00:07:20,071
So, as you all know,
we begin construction today
163
00:07:20,073 --> 00:07:24,910
on our next Candy Systems
and Research Superstore.
164
00:07:24,912 --> 00:07:28,146
First order of business,
to suss out the competition.
165
00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:31,683
Are there any other nearby candy stores we need to
166
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,987
"know about"?
167
00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:39,090
The only one we could find is just this really small
168
00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:41,827
quirky candy shop across the street from our location.
169
00:07:41,829 --> 00:07:45,130
It's called Upper
Sweet Side, NYC.
170
00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:47,032
Kind of a dumb
name for a store, huh?
171
00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:48,834
(ALL LAUGHING)
172
00:07:54,774 --> 00:07:57,542
That's so stupid.
173
00:07:57,544 --> 00:07:59,578
No, I think it's kind of clever.
I like it.
174
00:07:59,580 --> 00:08:00,645
What was that, Joel?
175
00:08:01,814 --> 00:08:03,682
Nothing, sir.
176
00:08:03,684 --> 00:08:06,518
That'll be
$100,000 dollars.
177
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:08,920
I'm just kidding.
It's all free.
178
00:08:11,657 --> 00:08:14,626
Oh, I love my
little shop, Wanda.
179
00:08:14,628 --> 00:08:16,161
It's what I've
always dreamed of,
180
00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:17,796
ever since I was
a little girl.
181
00:08:17,798 --> 00:08:19,664
And it's never
going anywhere.
182
00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:21,766
Nothing is ever going
to threaten it.
183
00:08:21,768 --> 00:08:23,702
Oh, no.
What?
184
00:08:23,704 --> 00:08:25,937
They're building a Candy Systems
and Research Superstore
185
00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:28,173
directly across the street from us.
(GASPS)
186
00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:31,610
MOLLY: Oh, my God! They'll
put us out of business!
187
00:08:31,612 --> 00:08:35,714
Discovering this information
is a huge turn of events.
188
00:08:35,716 --> 00:08:38,850
You weren't kidding.
Your story really is like a corny movie.
189
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:40,819
I know.
The only difference is it's not a movie.
190
00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:42,053
It's our real life.
191
00:08:43,923 --> 00:08:46,124
So with a Superstore
going up across
192
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:48,159
the street, I went to
go see my accountant.
193
00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:50,061
Hi, Molly.
Hi, Mr. Flaps.
194
00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:52,264
Oh, Please.
My friends call me Eggbert.
195
00:08:52,266 --> 00:08:54,165
Then they must not
be very good friends.
196
00:08:54,167 --> 00:08:57,269
No, that's just my name.
Eggbert. Or Eggman, for short.
197
00:08:57,271 --> 00:09:01,006
I know. It's kind of a lame name,
but what can you do?
198
00:09:01,008 --> 00:09:03,608
(CHUCKLING) How about we take
a gander at those documentos?
199
00:09:03,610 --> 00:09:05,143
Yes, please.
(CLEARS THROAT) Right.
200
00:09:09,715 --> 00:09:12,651
So, Molly, how
is your love life?
201
00:09:14,587 --> 00:09:16,121
You livin'
la vida loca?
202
00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:19,190
Um, well, not really,
Eggman. I'm guessing
203
00:09:19,192 --> 00:09:21,192
you heard that Frank
and I finally broke up.
204
00:09:21,194 --> 00:09:23,161
I did hear. Yeah.
205
00:09:23,163 --> 00:09:25,163
I heard about your divorce.
I'm sorry.
206
00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:27,832
Apology accepted.
207
00:09:27,834 --> 00:09:29,668
I... It's just one of those things.
208
00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:32,003
We wanted
different things.
209
00:09:32,005 --> 00:09:35,106
I wanted a family, settle down,
start a life together.
210
00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:36,841
And what did she want?
Who can say?
211
00:09:36,843 --> 00:09:38,577
I guess you'd have
to ask my brother.
212
00:09:38,579 --> 00:09:39,844
Oh.
213
00:09:44,717 --> 00:09:45,951
Is he here?
Can I ask him?
214
00:09:45,953 --> 00:09:47,619
Yes. Keith.
215
00:09:47,621 --> 00:09:49,721
You have a second?
What's up?
216
00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:51,823
Hey, Keith.
I was just wondering,
217
00:09:51,825 --> 00:09:54,359
what did Hillary want that was
different than what Eggbert wanted?
218
00:09:54,361 --> 00:09:56,595
Uh, she just wanted to
travel more, she wanted
219
00:09:56,597 --> 00:09:58,330
to focus on her photo-journalism career.
220
00:09:58,332 --> 00:10:00,131
And marriage just
wasn't conducive to that.
221
00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:02,701
Thanks, Keith.
Thanks, Keith.
222
00:10:02,703 --> 00:10:06,204
Listen, I am lookin'
over these numbers,
223
00:10:06,206 --> 00:10:08,373
and just goin'
off this data...
224
00:10:10,142 --> 00:10:12,611
You have breast cancer.
What?
225
00:10:12,613 --> 00:10:13,778
Corporately speaking.
226
00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:16,014
Oh. Oh.
227
00:10:16,016 --> 00:10:19,217
Your business has,
at best, six months to live.
228
00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:20,952
Oh, my God,
are you serious?
229
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,087
See for yourself.
230
00:10:23,889 --> 00:10:25,857
Wow. You are serious.
231
00:10:25,859 --> 00:10:29,661
Listen, Molly,
would this be an awkward time to
232
00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:32,964
ask if maybe you'd like
to go out with me sometime?
233
00:10:33,899 --> 00:10:36,101
Um...
234
00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:38,336
Don't answer.
Just think about it.
235
00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:39,904
That's very sweet
of you, Eggfart, but
236
00:10:39,906 --> 00:10:41,940
I think I'm just gonna
focus on me for now.
237
00:10:43,876 --> 00:10:46,811
Totally. You've gotta take time for yourself,
you know.
238
00:10:50,049 --> 00:10:51,816
I think maybe I should go...
239
00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:53,952
No, please. I think
I'm gonna go...
240
00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:55,220
Oh, you're gonna go?
Yeah.
241
00:10:57,089 --> 00:10:58,423
JOEL: Before I
proposed to Tiffany,
242
00:10:58,425 --> 00:11:00,058
I wanted to run it
by my buddies
243
00:11:00,060 --> 00:11:01,993
that I play ball with
at the local playground.
244
00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:04,295
They always
tell it like it is.
245
00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:06,031
ALL: Basketball,
basketball, basketball...
246
00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:07,799
Hey, guys. Looks
like our buddy Joel here
247
00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:09,167
is finally gettin' ready
to pop the question.
248
00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:11,903
Pretty great, right?
249
00:11:11,905 --> 00:11:13,772
Hey, don't ask me.
I can hardly commit to a second date half the time.
250
00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:15,206
If you know what I mean!
Watch out!
251
00:11:16,142 --> 00:11:17,842
Swish!
252
00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:20,178
I think love is really
abstract, you know?
253
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:24,082
It's like a summer breeze.
You can't see it, but you can feel it.
254
00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:26,051
(BOB CHUCKLING)
255
00:11:26,053 --> 00:11:29,054
Mr. Poet. Look at you,
always with your head in the clouds.
256
00:11:29,056 --> 00:11:31,823
Gloves make a poor present
for a man with no hands.
257
00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:33,358
BOB: Okay, that's enough.
258
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:34,926
Come on.
Are you guys kiddin' me?
259
00:11:34,928 --> 00:11:36,728
The point of love
is to get laid,
260
00:11:36,730 --> 00:11:38,430
if you catch my meaning.
261
00:11:38,432 --> 00:11:41,399
And I'm talkin' about sexual intercourse.
Two points!
262
00:11:41,401 --> 00:11:42,934
TOMMY: Swish!
263
00:11:42,936 --> 00:11:44,869
Do not listen to
Mr. Chronically-single-
264
00:11:44,871 --> 00:11:46,871
always-dating-some-new-
hot-chick guy!
265
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:49,808
Being married is great.
That's the point of view I represent.
266
00:11:49,810 --> 00:11:51,710
Deb and I have been
married for eight years,
267
00:11:51,712 --> 00:11:53,278
and it's better now
than when we first met.
268
00:11:54,313 --> 00:11:55,947
TOMMY: Swish!
269
00:11:55,949 --> 00:11:57,382
Oh, okay,
Mr. Has-to-go-home-early-
270
00:11:57,384 --> 00:11:59,050
'cause-he-can't-hang-out-
with-the-boys-
271
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:00,185
'cause-he's-gotta-
spend-time-with-his-wife guy.
272
00:12:00,187 --> 00:12:02,053
Yeah, that's right.
273
00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:04,989
You get it now, Mr.
Combines-traits- that-each-of-us-represents-
274
00:12:04,991 --> 00:12:06,357
and-all-you-need-to-do-
is-put-it-all-together
275
00:12:06,359 --> 00:12:09,127
- and-you'll-be-
just-fine guy?
276
00:12:09,129 --> 00:12:11,763
You know what?
You guys make a lot of sense.
277
00:12:11,765 --> 00:12:12,897
I'm gonna go propose.
278
00:12:14,967 --> 00:12:16,134
TOMMY: Swish!
279
00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:17,435
Hey, wait!
280
00:12:19,205 --> 00:12:20,505
Thanks, guys.
281
00:12:29,381 --> 00:12:30,482
Hello?
282
00:12:32,518 --> 00:12:33,785
Tiffany?
283
00:12:34,887 --> 00:12:36,254
(WOMAN MOANING)
284
00:12:37,189 --> 00:12:39,357
Hello?
285
00:12:39,359 --> 00:12:41,426
(MOANING CONTINUES)
286
00:12:42,962 --> 00:12:44,529
Hello?
287
00:12:45,464 --> 00:12:47,298
Tiffany?
288
00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:49,934
(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
289
00:12:50,870 --> 00:12:52,370
Hello?
290
00:12:57,009 --> 00:12:58,209
Tiffany?
291
00:13:03,115 --> 00:13:05,383
Hello?
292
00:13:05,385 --> 00:13:07,051
(MOANING AND CLATTERING)
293
00:13:07,053 --> 00:13:08,920
Ah! Tiffany?
294
00:13:08,922 --> 00:13:11,089
Uh...
295
00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:13,892
I've been thinking a lot
about our relationship.
296
00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:16,127
(MOANING LOUDLY)
297
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:18,163
TIFFANY: Oh, like that.
And
298
00:13:18,165 --> 00:13:20,965
I think we have
hit that point where
299
00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:22,333
it's time to talk
about the next step.
300
00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:24,135
Oh, God! Oh, God!
301
00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:25,503
A little nervous.
302
00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:32,043
Tiffany Amber Thigpen,
will you marry me?
303
00:13:33,212 --> 00:13:35,146
Joel?
Tiffany?
304
00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:37,215
Hey, Joel.
Trevor?
305
00:13:37,217 --> 00:13:40,852
Joel, I've been having an affair
with Trevor for over a year now.
306
00:13:40,854 --> 00:13:42,854
How could you do this to me?
307
00:13:42,856 --> 00:13:45,557
Look, I didn't want you to find out like this.
I can explain.
308
00:13:45,559 --> 00:13:47,358
It's not what
it looks like.
309
00:13:48,294 --> 00:13:49,928
Wait! Joel!
310
00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:51,229
Shit!
311
00:13:54,967 --> 00:13:56,935
(SAXOPHONE PLAYING
MELLOW MUSIC)
312
00:14:08,013 --> 00:14:09,247
Taxi!
313
00:14:13,219 --> 00:14:14,385
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)
314
00:14:17,957 --> 00:14:19,490
Hey, give me another one.
And make it a double.
315
00:14:23,996 --> 00:14:25,330
You look like
you've had a bad day.
316
00:14:25,332 --> 00:14:27,232
Yeah. Tell me about it.
317
00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:28,867
Well, you came in here
looking like crap,
318
00:14:28,869 --> 00:14:30,235
and you haven't
said very much.
319
00:14:30,237 --> 00:14:31,569
You can say that again.
320
00:14:31,571 --> 00:14:33,538
Well, you came in here
looking like crap,
321
00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:35,039
and you haven't
said very much.
322
00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:36,908
Tell me about it.
323
00:14:36,910 --> 00:14:38,977
Well, you came in here
looking like crap,
324
00:14:38,979 --> 00:14:40,245
and you haven't
said very much.
325
00:14:40,247 --> 00:14:41,579
Yeah, you can say that again.
326
00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:44,115
Well, you came in here
looking like crap,
327
00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:45,116
and you haven't
said very much.
328
00:14:45,118 --> 00:14:46,618
Tell me about it.
329
00:14:46,620 --> 00:14:49,087
Well, you came in here
looking like crap,
330
00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:50,321
and you haven't
said very much.
331
00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:51,656
Yeah, you can say that again.
332
00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:54,125
Well, you came in here
looking like crap,
333
00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:55,360
and you haven't
said very much.
334
00:14:55,362 --> 00:14:56,895
Tell me about it.
335
00:14:56,897 --> 00:14:59,163
Well, you came in here
looking like crap,
336
00:14:59,165 --> 00:15:00,431
and you haven't
said very much.
337
00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:02,000
Yeah, you can say that again.
338
00:15:02,002 --> 00:15:04,302
Well, you came in here
looking like crap,
339
00:15:04,304 --> 00:15:05,303
and you haven't
said very much.
340
00:15:05,305 --> 00:15:06,671
Tell me about it.
341
00:15:06,673 --> 00:15:09,007
Well, you came in here
looking like...
342
00:15:09,009 --> 00:15:10,241
Okay. We get the point.
343
00:15:11,310 --> 00:15:12,944
So what happened next?
344
00:15:12,946 --> 00:15:15,113
I was just devastated.
So the next morning
345
00:15:15,115 --> 00:15:18,182
I went for a jog with my crazy
younger brother, Jake.
346
00:15:18,184 --> 00:15:21,019
JAKE: Huge bummer about Tiffany, bro'.
If you're really hurting
347
00:15:21,021 --> 00:15:22,921
I can stay at your place for a few more months,
348
00:15:22,923 --> 00:15:24,022
just to make sure
you're okay.
349
00:15:24,024 --> 00:15:25,323
Little brother,
when are you gonna
350
00:15:25,325 --> 00:15:27,358
get your act together
and get a job?
351
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:30,628
I do have a job.
I'm the President and CEO of The Bacon Boot.
352
00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:32,430
We're the fastest-growing
edible boot company
353
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:34,165
in the whole
entire country!
354
00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:36,935
Your Bacon Boot company
consists of you
355
00:15:36,937 --> 00:15:40,038
and the business cards you printed up,
funded by yours truly.
356
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:43,574
Aw, for Pete's sake! Why are you always
tryin' to shoot me down, big brother?
357
00:15:43,576 --> 00:15:46,010
Look, I've gotta start
somewhere, don't I?
358
00:15:46,012 --> 00:15:48,212
Hey, look, it's okay
to dream big,
359
00:15:48,214 --> 00:15:49,580
but dreams aren't gonna
put cash in your pocket.
360
00:15:49,582 --> 00:15:51,582
Yes, but big brother...
Hey, no "buts."
361
00:15:51,584 --> 00:15:54,419
Look, I have a dream, too.
I want to open my own coffee shop.
362
00:15:54,421 --> 00:15:57,221
But at least I understand that
money doesn't grow on trees.
363
00:15:58,324 --> 00:16:00,358
What...
364
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:03,561
It's not always so easy when your big brother is Mr.
Perfect.
365
00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:07,999
Hey, wait up, would you?
366
00:16:08,001 --> 00:16:09,367
BOB: Joel, you're
not gonna like this.
367
00:16:09,369 --> 00:16:11,669
Roland gave Trevor
the Dickricker account.
368
00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:13,404
And now you're
the point person on
369
00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:15,306
that new candy
Superstore venture.
370
00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:17,608
That rat! First he
steals my girlfriend,
371
00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:19,344
then he steals
the Dickricker account!
372
00:16:19,346 --> 00:16:22,680
Oh, hey, Joel.
Sorry about the Dickricker account.
373
00:16:22,682 --> 00:16:25,516
Looks like you won't be getting that promotion after all.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
374
00:16:25,518 --> 00:16:27,485
Why don't you just
take a jerk, you hike!
375
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:30,488
Oh, and Tiffany wanted me to say hi.
We live together now.
376
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:32,457
She really said hi?
377
00:16:32,459 --> 00:16:35,126
What she actually said was,
"Oh, God, Trevor, don't stop.
378
00:16:35,128 --> 00:16:37,061
"Your dick is so fat and greasy and amazing."
379
00:16:37,063 --> 00:16:39,030
"Greasy and amazing,"
and then he went on to say,
380
00:16:39,032 --> 00:16:41,532
"Trevor, you have
such a hot, throbbing cock"
381
00:16:41,534 --> 00:16:43,167
"and I want to get all juicy on your cock."
Okay.
382
00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:45,136
So when is the part where
the two of you meet?
383
00:16:45,138 --> 00:16:47,705
Ah, right. That was
the same day that I got
384
00:16:47,707 --> 00:16:50,074
a phone call from my best friend, Brenda.
(PHONE RINGING)
385
00:16:50,076 --> 00:16:51,476
Hello?
BRENDA: Hi, Molly.
386
00:16:51,478 --> 00:16:53,244
I just wanted to tell
you that Bob and I are
387
00:16:53,246 --> 00:16:55,413
having a Halloween
party on Saturday,
388
00:16:55,415 --> 00:16:57,181
and the fun part is,
Bob's inviting
389
00:16:57,183 --> 00:16:59,117
a friend of his
who's the Triple Crown,
390
00:16:59,119 --> 00:17:01,753
he's straight, single and cute.
You should totally come.
391
00:17:01,755 --> 00:17:03,454
Plus Brenda's bringing a friend who's apparently
392
00:17:03,456 --> 00:17:05,456
very cute
and very single.
393
00:17:05,458 --> 00:17:08,559
(SIGHS) I don't know, Bob.
I'll tell you, Halloween scares me.
394
00:17:08,561 --> 00:17:11,229
Ghosts I'm fine with,
ghouls and goblins, not so much.
395
00:17:11,231 --> 00:17:13,297
You're full of it, buddy.
I'll see you at the party.
396
00:17:13,299 --> 00:17:17,201
All right. Look, Bob.
Here's the real truth.
397
00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:18,603
About three years ago,
I was attacked
398
00:17:18,605 --> 00:17:20,805
by a group of
trick-or-treat-ers.
399
00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:23,441
About 30 of them.
400
00:17:23,443 --> 00:17:26,644
They pinned me down,
and they said,
401
00:17:30,282 --> 00:17:31,749
"Dick or teat?"
402
00:17:31,751 --> 00:17:34,218
It was obviously a play on,
you know, "Trick or treat?"
403
00:17:35,154 --> 00:17:36,821
Yeah.
404
00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:38,523
They made me choose between
their dicks and their teats.
405
00:17:39,458 --> 00:17:41,359
It was awful.
406
00:17:41,361 --> 00:17:45,296
Joel, I know that.
It was all over the news that year.
407
00:17:45,298 --> 00:17:47,565
But come on, man.
You've gotta get over it, buddy.
408
00:17:49,768 --> 00:17:51,069
Let me think about it, okay?
409
00:17:51,804 --> 00:17:53,171
Yeah.
410
00:17:53,173 --> 00:17:54,639
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
411
00:17:56,742 --> 00:17:59,210
JAKE: It's Halloween, Joel.
Why don't you go to that party?
412
00:17:59,212 --> 00:18:01,412
I'm just not into the whole "Halloween costume" thing.
413
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,147
You know, I mean,
what's the point?
414
00:18:03,149 --> 00:18:05,083
You go to a party,
people say, "Who are you?"
415
00:18:05,085 --> 00:18:07,251
I say, "I'm Ben Franklin,"
and they say, "Great!"
416
00:18:08,454 --> 00:18:10,421
And then you're you again.
417
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:13,424
Except now I've got knickers and a bald cap.
And for what?
418
00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:15,560
Because it's fun, Joel.
419
00:18:15,562 --> 00:18:17,128
Forget it. I'm not going.
420
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:20,431
MOLLY: I don't know, Wanda.
I just don't think
421
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:22,133
I can go to that
Halloween party.
422
00:18:22,135 --> 00:18:25,603
And what if I see Frank?
And Mia, the yoga teacher?
423
00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:28,206
You can't let stupid
old Frank run your life.
424
00:18:28,208 --> 00:18:30,675
You've gotta go to that party
and you gotta be fierce!
425
00:18:30,677 --> 00:18:33,411
But even if I wanted to go to the party,
I don't have a costume.
426
00:18:33,413 --> 00:18:35,813
Well, guess what?
You do now,
427
00:18:35,815 --> 00:18:37,181
because you can
have my costume.
428
00:18:37,183 --> 00:18:38,316
(LAUGHS)
429
00:18:38,318 --> 00:18:40,351
Oh, my God, Wanda!
Thank you!
430
00:18:40,353 --> 00:18:42,386
No. Thank you.
431
00:18:43,322 --> 00:18:45,523
You're welcome.
432
00:18:45,525 --> 00:18:47,758
Now, get out of here!
I got a party to go to!
433
00:18:51,396 --> 00:18:52,563
MOLLY: Wait!
434
00:18:53,599 --> 00:18:54,732
Thanks.
435
00:18:56,835 --> 00:18:57,902
Wait!
436
00:18:59,671 --> 00:19:00,738
Shit.
437
00:19:02,474 --> 00:19:03,908
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
438
00:19:20,425 --> 00:19:21,492
(GROANS)
439
00:19:22,427 --> 00:19:23,427
My bobbing apples!
440
00:19:23,429 --> 00:19:25,830
My party tomatoes!
441
00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:27,431
Watch where
you're going!
442
00:19:27,433 --> 00:19:29,233
Like it was my fault!
443
00:19:29,235 --> 00:19:31,235
Yeah, well,
I didn't run into myself.
444
00:19:31,237 --> 00:19:32,537
Wow. You're rude.
445
00:19:33,472 --> 00:19:34,772
You're a jerk.
446
00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:37,341
Look Mister Thang,
you bumped into me.
447
00:19:37,343 --> 00:19:39,477
Hardly.
Oh, please!
448
00:19:39,479 --> 00:19:41,712
You're so lucky that I am late for a party right now
449
00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:43,814
where my friends are gonna introduce
me to an exciting new woman!
450
00:19:43,816 --> 00:19:45,783
Let me tell you something.
I'm about to go to a party
451
00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:49,220
where I'm gonna meet an exciting new guy!
So see you later.
452
00:19:49,222 --> 00:19:50,721
Yeah, see you never!
453
00:19:52,257 --> 00:19:53,858
Well, I'm going this way,
so see you later!
454
00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:55,459
I'll see you later.
I'm going this way.
455
00:19:58,397 --> 00:20:00,631
Oh, great!
Your party is in the same building as mine.
456
00:20:00,633 --> 00:20:02,800
Well, luckily, we will be
separating momentarily
457
00:20:02,802 --> 00:20:03,868
when we go to our
different parties.
458
00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:06,904
Luckily, yes.
459
00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:10,408
Oh, Great.
Looks like our parties are on the same floor, too.
460
00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:12,343
Talk about bad luck.
461
00:20:12,345 --> 00:20:13,411
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
462
00:20:19,551 --> 00:20:21,519
BOTH: Oh, God damn it!
463
00:20:22,554 --> 00:20:23,654
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
464
00:20:23,656 --> 00:20:25,756
Joel!
Molly!
465
00:20:25,758 --> 00:20:27,625
They came together.
Oh.
466
00:20:27,627 --> 00:20:29,293
BOTH: No, we didn't.
467
00:20:29,295 --> 00:20:30,361
Nice. Come on.
468
00:20:43,942 --> 00:20:45,843
So, I guess you guys
already met, huh?
469
00:20:45,845 --> 00:20:47,712
Unfortunately, yes.
470
00:20:47,714 --> 00:20:49,547
To my great chagrin.
471
00:20:51,283 --> 00:20:53,851
Chagrin?
Who even says that?
472
00:20:54,853 --> 00:20:56,254
Uh, Roland!
473
00:20:56,256 --> 00:20:57,855
(BOB CHUCKLES)
474
00:20:57,857 --> 00:21:00,458
Hello, man.
Oh. How did you know?
475
00:21:00,460 --> 00:21:01,792
Great costume!
476
00:21:01,794 --> 00:21:03,294
Thanks. Yours, too.
477
00:21:03,296 --> 00:21:04,829
Vampires.
478
00:21:04,831 --> 00:21:06,764
Where's the bathroom?
479
00:21:06,766 --> 00:21:09,367
Oh, yeah.
Straight through that door on the right.
480
00:21:09,369 --> 00:21:12,603
Yeah. I think I ate something weird.
Don't worry.
481
00:21:17,042 --> 00:21:18,309
(LOCK CLICKS)
482
00:21:27,786 --> 00:21:29,453
(WHIMPERS)
483
00:21:29,455 --> 00:21:30,988
Who designed these
stupid things?
484
00:21:32,791 --> 00:21:36,961
No, no, no, no...
485
00:21:36,963 --> 00:21:39,830
So, uh,
what do you do?
486
00:21:41,333 --> 00:21:44,702
I'm an entrepreneur.
I own my own business.
487
00:21:44,704 --> 00:21:47,471
I'm a development exec over at
Candy Systems and Research.
488
00:21:48,407 --> 00:21:49,540
You ever
heard of it?
489
00:21:49,542 --> 00:21:52,610
Candy Systems and Research?
CSR?
490
00:21:52,612 --> 00:21:54,445
Yeah. What of it?
(SCOFFS)
491
00:21:55,380 --> 00:21:57,848
Unbelievable.
492
00:21:57,850 --> 00:21:59,684
Can I ask you a question?
Yeah.
493
00:21:59,686 --> 00:22:02,720
How do you
sleep at night?
494
00:22:02,722 --> 00:22:06,424
I usually have to jack off,
and then I can sleep pretty soundly.
495
00:22:08,093 --> 00:22:09,860
(CRYING)
496
00:22:13,432 --> 00:22:14,932
(PANTING)
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
497
00:22:14,934 --> 00:22:16,901
El bano esta ocupado!
498
00:22:21,373 --> 00:22:22,540
(GROANS)
499
00:22:24,443 --> 00:22:26,677
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
500
00:22:26,679 --> 00:22:30,014
So, um,
Bob tells me you're an amateur birdwatcher.
501
00:22:32,918 --> 00:22:34,719
What's your
favorite bird?
502
00:22:35,654 --> 00:22:37,054
The turkey.
503
00:22:39,057 --> 00:22:40,958
Good.
504
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:44,962
Do you watch a lot of TV?
What's your favorite show?
505
00:22:44,964 --> 00:22:47,765
I don't watch TV.
I think it brutalizes the senses.
506
00:22:47,767 --> 00:22:50,134
Okay.
507
00:22:50,136 --> 00:22:52,536
I can see this is
going nowhere fast.
508
00:22:54,973 --> 00:22:56,474
(BOTH MOUTHING)
509
00:22:59,010 --> 00:23:00,611
So, uh, Molly...
510
00:23:00,613 --> 00:23:02,546
Listen, before you ask
me any more questions
511
00:23:02,548 --> 00:23:03,781
from the Icebreaker
Handbook,
512
00:23:03,783 --> 00:23:05,750
here's the 411.
513
00:23:05,752 --> 00:23:09,387
Upper Sweet Side, NYC.
Does the name ring a bell?
514
00:23:09,389 --> 00:23:11,021
Yeah. Little candy shop?
Ding! Ding! Ding!
515
00:23:11,023 --> 00:23:12,757
Give the man a prize.
He's a winner!
516
00:23:12,759 --> 00:23:14,725
"What has he won, Johnny?"
"A new car!"
517
00:23:14,727 --> 00:23:17,628
Yes, that is my store.
And I put my whole life into it.
518
00:23:17,630 --> 00:23:19,730
(SNEEZES) JOEL: Molly,
I had no idea.
519
00:23:19,732 --> 00:23:21,399
MOLLY: The only line you care about is the bottom line.
520
00:23:21,401 --> 00:23:23,033
Look, are you the kind
of person that I feel
521
00:23:23,035 --> 00:23:24,468
a strong connection to?
Yes.
522
00:23:24,470 --> 00:23:26,637
Do I find you cute
and funny? Yes.
523
00:23:26,639 --> 00:23:29,173
Could you be the guy that I could
fall for and live with forever? Yes.
524
00:23:29,175 --> 00:23:30,174
But the point is,
525
00:23:30,176 --> 00:23:31,809
you're a corporate robot.
526
00:23:31,811 --> 00:23:34,945
And so,
it is with great pleasure that I say to you,
527
00:23:34,947 --> 00:23:36,580
go jump in a lake,
meathead!
528
00:23:36,582 --> 00:23:37,948
(ALL GASPING)
529
00:23:40,018 --> 00:23:41,619
Molly! Wait, Molly!
(DOOR OPENS)
530
00:23:42,554 --> 00:23:43,821
(DOOR SLAMS)
531
00:23:43,823 --> 00:23:45,022
Shit.
532
00:23:49,995 --> 00:23:53,697
I'll have what she's having.
(CHUCKLES)
533
00:23:53,699 --> 00:23:57,201
You are having what she's having.
It's all the same food.
534
00:23:57,203 --> 00:23:59,437
The pasta and the beans
and the lentils.
535
00:24:02,541 --> 00:24:04,542
(DOOR OPENS)
536
00:24:04,544 --> 00:24:06,510
(DOOR CLOSES)
537
00:24:06,512 --> 00:24:08,679
Hey, Roland?
538
00:24:08,681 --> 00:24:10,848
You wanna tell me why
your super-hero costume
539
00:24:10,850 --> 00:24:13,517
is lyin' on the bathroom floor filled with shit?
540
00:24:14,986 --> 00:24:16,187
What?
541
00:24:16,189 --> 00:24:18,155
Oh, my God.
What did you do?
542
00:24:19,458 --> 00:24:21,025
I didn't do anything.
543
00:24:21,027 --> 00:24:24,195
You shit your pants.
And then you took a shower.
544
00:24:24,197 --> 00:24:26,530
And you just left your costume lyin' on the floor,
didn't you?
545
00:24:26,532 --> 00:24:27,631
Did not!
546
00:24:27,633 --> 00:24:29,133
Roland, that
is disgusting!
547
00:24:29,135 --> 00:24:31,602
Whoa. Wait a minute.
Let me explain.
548
00:24:34,172 --> 00:24:39,143
My costume was itching me,
so I went into the bathroom
549
00:24:39,145 --> 00:24:43,547
and changed into Mr.
Taking-a-shower-guy costume
550
00:24:43,549 --> 00:24:45,716
and just left
the costume in there.
551
00:24:45,718 --> 00:24:47,852
Why is there shit
all over the washcloths, too?
552
00:24:47,854 --> 00:24:49,487
The washcloths
are just for show!
553
00:24:49,489 --> 00:24:51,622
Those are brand new washcloths.
Oh.
554
00:24:51,624 --> 00:24:54,058
The only thing
I can guess
555
00:24:54,060 --> 00:24:58,996
is somebody else must have gone into the bathroom,
556
00:24:58,998 --> 00:25:02,833
put my costume on,
shit in it,
557
00:25:03,768 --> 00:25:05,603
and left it there.
558
00:25:05,605 --> 00:25:09,039
That is the only
logical explanation.
559
00:25:12,744 --> 00:25:14,512
All right,
560
00:25:14,514 --> 00:25:16,780
which one of you people
went into the bathroom
561
00:25:16,782 --> 00:25:18,649
put my costume on,
and shit in it?
562
00:25:23,188 --> 00:25:24,922
Wow. I'm disappointed
in you people.
563
00:25:25,857 --> 00:25:27,758
(DOOR OPENS)
564
00:25:27,760 --> 00:25:29,059
I gotta go.
565
00:25:31,096 --> 00:25:33,130
I'm disgusted
with everyone.
566
00:25:37,869 --> 00:25:39,670
Who do you
think it was?
567
00:25:41,706 --> 00:25:44,074
So, what did you
think of Molly?
568
00:25:44,076 --> 00:25:46,610
What a nightmare! God!
569
00:25:46,612 --> 00:25:49,146
Yeah, she's attractive
and smart and funny.
570
00:25:49,148 --> 00:25:50,881
She's exactly
the type of person
571
00:25:50,883 --> 00:25:52,182
I could see myself
falling in love with.
572
00:25:52,184 --> 00:25:54,084
But boy, with an
attitude like that,
573
00:25:54,086 --> 00:25:55,252
it's no wonder she
can't find a date.
574
00:25:56,187 --> 00:25:57,254
Molly.
575
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:03,260
Wait! He didn't
mean what...
576
00:26:06,298 --> 00:26:08,232
Shit.
577
00:26:08,234 --> 00:26:11,168
So it wasn't love at
first sight, was it?
578
00:26:11,170 --> 00:26:12,636
Are you really
asking us that?
579
00:26:12,638 --> 00:26:14,004
Were you not listening
to the story?
580
00:26:14,006 --> 00:26:17,841
No, I'm...
(STAMMERS) Forget it.
581
00:26:17,843 --> 00:26:21,245
Anyway, after that debacle,
I assumed I'd never see him again.
582
00:26:21,247 --> 00:26:24,915
But then, a few days later,
I was browsing in my favorite used bookshop
583
00:26:24,917 --> 00:26:26,750
and guess
who was there?
584
00:26:28,086 --> 00:26:29,286
Who?
585
00:26:30,755 --> 00:26:31,922
Joel.
586
00:26:31,924 --> 00:26:33,090
Me.
587
00:26:34,125 --> 00:26:36,860
(GASPS) Wanda,
that's him!
588
00:26:36,862 --> 00:26:38,996
That's the jerk I met at Bob
and Brenda's Halloween party.
589
00:26:40,131 --> 00:26:42,366
Oh, Lordy.
Ooh, this could get ugly.
590
00:26:43,735 --> 00:26:45,369
Hey.
Hi.
591
00:26:45,371 --> 00:26:47,338
Howdy.
592
00:26:47,340 --> 00:26:51,041
Hi. Again.
What are you doing here?
593
00:26:51,043 --> 00:26:53,844
What am I doing here? Looking for a book.
What are you doing here?
594
00:26:53,846 --> 00:26:55,646
I'm a regular here.
595
00:26:55,648 --> 00:26:58,048
Yeah. Regular beanbag.
(CHUCKLES)
596
00:26:58,050 --> 00:26:59,817
You know,
maybe you'd feel more comfortable
597
00:26:59,819 --> 00:27:02,119
in a corporate mega-bookstore
chain like Brams and Nerbils.
598
00:27:02,121 --> 00:27:03,954
Why don't you
just calm down.
599
00:27:03,956 --> 00:27:06,056
Don't tell me to calm down!
What if I don't want to calm down?
600
00:27:06,058 --> 00:27:07,891
Stop trying
to fix me!
601
00:27:07,893 --> 00:27:10,728
Okay.
I'm going to step out of the crossfire here.
602
00:27:10,730 --> 00:27:13,197
Yeah. Me, too.
603
00:27:13,199 --> 00:27:14,965
Look, Missy,
my brother and I are here
604
00:27:14,967 --> 00:27:16,133
to buy something
for our bubby.
605
00:27:16,135 --> 00:27:18,702
Oh, your... Bubby?
606
00:27:18,704 --> 00:27:22,172
Yeah. My bubby.
My grandmother.
607
00:27:22,174 --> 00:27:25,309
I had a grandmother.
Her name was Arlene Crabtree.
608
00:27:25,311 --> 00:27:27,811
She died recently.
We were very close.
609
00:27:28,813 --> 00:27:30,014
I'm sorry
for your loss.
610
00:27:30,016 --> 00:27:31,348
Thank you.
611
00:27:34,386 --> 00:27:36,787
Can I help you find
something for your bubby?
612
00:27:36,789 --> 00:27:40,224
Well, uh, I'm looking
for maybe a fiction book.
613
00:27:41,192 --> 00:27:43,727
You like
fiction books?
614
00:27:43,729 --> 00:27:45,295
Just because I work
for a big corporation
615
00:27:45,297 --> 00:27:47,297
doesn't mean I don't
like fiction books.
616
00:27:47,299 --> 00:27:49,299
In fact,
fiction books is one of my favorite kinds of books.
617
00:27:49,301 --> 00:27:50,434
You have to
be kidding me!
618
00:27:50,436 --> 00:27:52,036
Do you like fiction?
619
00:27:52,038 --> 00:27:54,138
Like it?
Try "love it"!
620
00:27:54,140 --> 00:27:56,040
(CHUCKLING) Oh,
my God. That's crazy!
621
00:27:56,042 --> 00:27:58,976
I've never met anyone
else who likes fiction!
622
00:27:58,978 --> 00:28:00,911
That is too funny.
623
00:28:00,913 --> 00:28:02,112
That is literally too funny.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
624
00:28:06,217 --> 00:28:07,284
Well, uh...
625
00:28:09,387 --> 00:28:11,188
I should probably
get going.
626
00:28:11,190 --> 00:28:13,957
Yeah, sure. We've got...
I've got books.
627
00:28:14,893 --> 00:28:16,960
Yeah. All right.
628
00:28:19,164 --> 00:28:20,764
Joel, wait!
Hmm.
629
00:28:20,766 --> 00:28:22,199
Yeah?
630
00:28:22,201 --> 00:28:24,835
I might have judged you too harshly at the party.
631
00:28:24,837 --> 00:28:26,336
I know this sounds
crazy, but would you
632
00:28:26,338 --> 00:28:28,305
like to have a me
of coffee with cup?
633
00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:30,974
What?
634
00:28:30,976 --> 00:28:34,111
Do you want a cup
of me with koo-fie?
635
00:28:34,113 --> 00:28:37,114
Would you like to have a cup of moffie with kee?
With me.
636
00:28:37,116 --> 00:28:38,315
A cup of coffee.
With hoo.
637
00:28:38,317 --> 00:28:40,084
What the fuck
are you saying?
638
00:28:40,086 --> 00:28:42,820
Do you want to
have coffee with me?
639
00:28:42,822 --> 00:28:46,023
I think you're asking me if I'd like
to have a cup of coffee with you.
640
00:28:46,025 --> 00:28:48,926
Yes. Thank you.
That's what I'm trying to ask.
641
00:28:48,928 --> 00:28:49,993
(CHUCKLING)
642
00:28:49,995 --> 00:28:51,495
Coffee sounds great.
643
00:28:51,497 --> 00:28:53,063
Half-caf decaf.
644
00:28:53,065 --> 00:28:55,132
No foam, hold the foam,
no cream...
645
00:28:55,134 --> 00:28:57,067
What happened to just a good
old fashioned cup of coffee?
646
00:28:57,069 --> 00:28:58,736
I know. It's all
so confusing!
647
00:28:58,738 --> 00:29:00,504
It is! It is so confuse.
648
00:29:00,506 --> 00:29:02,172
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
649
00:29:02,174 --> 00:29:03,974
That's how you say
"confusing" in France.
650
00:29:09,981 --> 00:29:11,815
What are we doin'?
651
00:29:11,817 --> 00:29:13,884
Oh, my God, this is
all happening so fast.
652
00:29:16,187 --> 00:29:17,354
I can't.
653
00:29:18,490 --> 00:29:20,224
My Aunt Flo
is visiting.
654
00:29:20,226 --> 00:29:22,793
You're on your period?
655
00:29:22,795 --> 00:29:24,928
No. My Aunt Flo is
visiting me from Florida.
656
00:29:25,864 --> 00:29:26,930
Hey, Aunt Flo.
657
00:29:30,502 --> 00:29:32,369
How about we get
that coffee, huh?
658
00:29:40,345 --> 00:29:42,279
So what will
you have?
659
00:29:42,281 --> 00:29:45,549
Um, I'll have a low-fat,
sugar-free banana yogurt muffin.
660
00:29:45,551 --> 00:29:46,984
Okay.
But if they don't have that,
661
00:29:46,986 --> 00:29:48,919
I'll have half
a poppy-seed muffin,
662
00:29:48,921 --> 00:29:50,420
if they can take out all the poppy seeds and heat it up.
663
00:29:50,422 --> 00:29:52,422
Okay.
Hold on!
664
00:29:52,424 --> 00:29:54,424
If they can't heat it up,
then leave half the poppy seeds in
665
00:29:54,426 --> 00:29:55,826
and sprinkle the other half of the poppy seeds
666
00:29:55,828 --> 00:29:57,828
on one half of
a blueberry muffin
667
00:29:57,830 --> 00:30:00,164
and then cut both halves in half,
and throw them both away.
668
00:30:00,166 --> 00:30:02,065
Oh.
In either scenario,
669
00:30:02,067 --> 00:30:04,101
I want a lemon-chocolate loaf,
but this is very important,
670
00:30:04,103 --> 00:30:06,036
it must be shrink-wrapped.
And more importantly,
671
00:30:06,038 --> 00:30:08,438
it must smell more like lemon
than chocolate. Got it?
672
00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:10,841
(CHUCKLES) That's how you order a muffin?
673
00:30:10,843 --> 00:30:14,178
What? I want things
the way I want them.
674
00:30:14,180 --> 00:30:16,380
You're pretty adorable when you get all fussy like that.
675
00:30:17,882 --> 00:30:19,316
SERVER: May I help who's next?
676
00:30:19,318 --> 00:30:22,286
Yes. Okay, so
she'll have a low-fat,
677
00:30:22,288 --> 00:30:24,221
sugar-free banana
yogurt muffin.
678
00:30:24,223 --> 00:30:26,156
If you don't have that,
then half of a poppy-seed muffin
679
00:30:26,158 --> 00:30:28,225
with the poppy seeds
taken out and heated up.
680
00:30:28,227 --> 00:30:31,028
If you can't heat it up,
then take half the poppy seeds out
681
00:30:31,030 --> 00:30:32,262
and sprinkle
the other half on top
682
00:30:32,264 --> 00:30:34,164
of the half of
a blueberry muffin,
683
00:30:34,166 --> 00:30:36,099
cut both halves in half,
and then throw them both away.
684
00:30:36,101 --> 00:30:38,335
In either scenario,
she'll have a lemon-chocolate loaf,
685
00:30:38,337 --> 00:30:40,103
but, and this is
really important,
686
00:30:40,105 --> 00:30:42,105
only if it's shrink-wrapped.
And even more importantly,
687
00:30:42,107 --> 00:30:44,074
if it smells more like
lemon than chocolate.
688
00:30:44,076 --> 00:30:45,342
And I'll have a coffee,
please.
689
00:30:45,344 --> 00:30:46,410
Great.
690
00:30:46,412 --> 00:30:47,945
Coffee to number three!
691
00:30:53,184 --> 00:30:54,518
Who are you?
692
00:30:56,554 --> 00:30:57,921
You know what I like?
What?
693
00:30:57,923 --> 00:30:59,857
Q-tips.
694
00:30:59,859 --> 00:31:01,625
Me, too.
You do?
695
00:31:01,627 --> 00:31:03,627
The kind with the pieces of cotton at each end?
696
00:31:03,629 --> 00:31:05,295
Yeah, those are
the only kind I know.
697
00:31:05,297 --> 00:31:07,097
What's your favorite color?
698
00:31:07,099 --> 00:31:09,099
Blue.
What's your favorite TV show?
699
00:31:09,101 --> 00:31:10,567
Oh, God, you know which
one I can't stand,
700
00:31:10,569 --> 00:31:13,203
but watch all the time
and kind of love secretly?
701
00:31:13,205 --> 00:31:14,938
(MIMICKING ROBIN LEACH)
"Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous."
702
00:31:14,940 --> 00:31:17,074
(LAUGHING)
703
00:31:17,076 --> 00:31:19,209
Look at these two right here.
"Hey, look. I got a brand new phone."
704
00:31:19,211 --> 00:31:21,411
"What is that, an iPhone?"
"Yeah, I've gotta go to the Apple Store..."
705
00:31:21,413 --> 00:31:23,480
You're good at that.
"...and wait in line."
706
00:31:23,482 --> 00:31:25,315
Communism could work.
It really could.
707
00:31:25,317 --> 00:31:27,284
But what they're doing now
isn't communism,
708
00:31:27,286 --> 00:31:29,620
it's totalitarianism
dressed up as communism.
709
00:31:30,622 --> 00:31:32,189
I agree.
710
00:31:32,191 --> 00:31:33,223
Have you ever given
yourself a pap smear?
711
00:31:33,225 --> 00:31:34,491
No.
712
00:31:34,493 --> 00:31:36,059
I was just...
Because of the Q-tips.
713
00:31:36,061 --> 00:31:38,028
Mmm. That's sweet.
714
00:31:38,030 --> 00:31:40,097
Let me try it.
All right, you go.
715
00:31:40,099 --> 00:31:41,331
"Hey..."
716
00:31:43,034 --> 00:31:44,101
I can't do it.
717
00:31:44,103 --> 00:31:45,402
You know, I have a dream
718
00:31:45,404 --> 00:31:47,437
that someday I wanna
719
00:31:47,439 --> 00:31:49,306
have my own coffee place,
720
00:31:49,308 --> 00:31:51,275
"A Cup of Joel."
721
00:31:51,277 --> 00:31:52,609
You know, as in "Cup of Joe",
722
00:31:52,611 --> 00:31:54,378
but I would say "Joel" ...
723
00:31:54,380 --> 00:31:56,380
Right.
Because everyone knows "Cup of Joe", ...
724
00:31:56,382 --> 00:31:58,148
Sure.
...but it's "Cup of Joel" because my name is Joel.
725
00:31:58,150 --> 00:32:00,584
Smart. I get it.
So Joel instead of Joe.
726
00:32:00,586 --> 00:32:03,387
I don't know.
It's probably just wishful thinking, right?
727
00:32:03,389 --> 00:32:05,255
It's kind of stupid.
728
00:32:05,257 --> 00:32:07,991
No! It's not stupid, it's great!
You should do that.
729
00:32:07,993 --> 00:32:10,527
Tiffany always said
that was a dumb idea.
730
00:32:10,529 --> 00:32:13,030
Well, I don't know Tiffany,
but she sounds like a stupid bitch.
731
00:32:13,032 --> 00:32:14,231
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
732
00:32:15,166 --> 00:32:16,366
Uh...
733
00:32:17,368 --> 00:32:18,435
Forget it.
734
00:32:18,437 --> 00:32:19,503
What?
No, I...
735
00:32:19,505 --> 00:32:21,004
No. Come on, tell me.
736
00:32:21,006 --> 00:32:22,472
Are you hungry?
737
00:32:22,474 --> 00:32:25,442
Hungry?
Why don't you try "starving."
738
00:32:25,444 --> 00:32:27,577
Why don't I have
you over for dinner.
739
00:32:27,579 --> 00:32:29,513
I'll make my world-famous
Mac 'n Cheese.
740
00:32:30,682 --> 00:32:32,349
'Kay.
741
00:32:32,351 --> 00:32:35,152
I like how you say "'kay."
742
00:32:35,154 --> 00:32:37,487
I like how you say,
"I like how you say "'kay.'"
743
00:32:47,432 --> 00:32:49,166
(CHUCKLING)
744
00:32:49,168 --> 00:32:51,601
Molly, where have you been?
I've been worried sick.
745
00:32:51,603 --> 00:32:53,270
Who are you?
746
00:32:53,272 --> 00:32:55,472
Joel, this is my older sister, Katherine.
747
00:32:55,474 --> 00:32:57,441
Katherine, this is Joel.
Hi.
748
00:32:57,443 --> 00:33:00,177
Don't "hi" me, Joel.
You're just like all the others.
749
00:33:00,179 --> 00:33:02,479
Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.
750
00:33:02,481 --> 00:33:04,114
Hi, Mommy.
Hi!
751
00:33:04,116 --> 00:33:05,582
You have a kid?
752
00:33:05,584 --> 00:33:07,551
Don't worry, Joel.
His dad's out of the picture.
753
00:33:07,553 --> 00:33:10,754
He's doing T-I-M-E in jail.
754
00:33:10,756 --> 00:33:13,190
Tucker,
this is my friend, Joel.
755
00:33:13,192 --> 00:33:15,592
Hi, Mr. Joel.
Are you my new daddy?
756
00:33:15,594 --> 00:33:17,494
Oh! (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
757
00:33:17,496 --> 00:33:20,330
Hey, buddy,
I see you've got on some Pokemon pajamas.
758
00:33:20,332 --> 00:33:22,265
Yeah.
759
00:33:22,267 --> 00:33:24,601
My favorite one is Smeargle.
You know why?
760
00:33:24,603 --> 00:33:27,137
Because he can defend
Butterfree's Hyper Reverse Attack
761
00:33:27,139 --> 00:33:28,672
with two double
colorless energy cards
762
00:33:28,674 --> 00:33:30,474
and only get
10 damage points.
763
00:33:30,476 --> 00:33:33,243
You know about Pokemon?
You're cool, Mr. Joel!
764
00:33:33,245 --> 00:33:34,611
I think you're cool, Tucker.
765
00:33:34,613 --> 00:33:36,780
What is... Wait a minute.
766
00:33:36,782 --> 00:33:39,016
What is that in your ear?
What?
767
00:33:40,118 --> 00:33:41,485
That's for you.
768
00:33:41,487 --> 00:33:43,453
Wow! A cheeseburger, Mommy!
769
00:33:43,455 --> 00:33:46,123
Wow! Go eat that in bed.
770
00:33:46,125 --> 00:33:48,091
Goodnight, Mom.
Goodnight, Daddy.
771
00:33:50,328 --> 00:33:52,062
I mean "Joel".
772
00:33:52,064 --> 00:33:53,130
Oh!
773
00:33:55,733 --> 00:33:57,567
Oh.
774
00:34:00,338 --> 00:34:02,172
I think he likes you.
775
00:34:02,174 --> 00:34:03,740
I think I like him.
776
00:34:05,543 --> 00:34:07,644
Dinner was delicious, Molly.
777
00:34:09,147 --> 00:34:10,781
Here. A little chilly...
778
00:34:13,084 --> 00:34:14,484
Joel,
can I tell you something?
779
00:34:14,486 --> 00:34:17,054
Sure. What is it?
780
00:34:17,056 --> 00:34:20,190
If I was ever about to marry someone,
and then realized
781
00:34:20,192 --> 00:34:23,193
that I didn't want to do it,
you know where I would go?
782
00:34:23,195 --> 00:34:27,264
Ah, random guess,
but Boston?
783
00:34:27,266 --> 00:34:29,733
No. The Brooklyn Promenade.
784
00:34:29,735 --> 00:34:30,734
Where I can look out
over the city.
785
00:34:30,736 --> 00:34:32,135
It's very comforting.
786
00:34:32,137 --> 00:34:33,303
What you're
saying to me is that
787
00:34:33,305 --> 00:34:34,604
if you were to
ever get married
788
00:34:34,606 --> 00:34:36,073
and then decide at
the last minute that
789
00:34:36,075 --> 00:34:37,374
you didn't want to
marry that person
790
00:34:37,376 --> 00:34:38,809
you would go to
the Brooklyn Promenade.
791
00:34:38,811 --> 00:34:40,177
Yes. You see where
I'm going with this?
792
00:34:40,179 --> 00:34:42,446
I think so. Yeah.
793
00:34:42,448 --> 00:34:44,581
I believe in fate, Joel.
794
00:34:44,583 --> 00:34:45,816
And If we were
meant to be together,
795
00:34:45,818 --> 00:34:47,184
then we will be.
796
00:34:48,252 --> 00:34:49,319
Hi.
797
00:34:49,321 --> 00:34:51,254
Hey.
798
00:34:51,256 --> 00:34:52,522
I can't do this.
799
00:34:52,524 --> 00:34:53,523
Why? What did I do?
800
00:34:53,525 --> 00:34:55,525
I'm sorry.
801
00:34:55,527 --> 00:34:59,663
It's just that Tiffany, my ex,
used to say that exact same thing to me.
802
00:34:59,665 --> 00:35:00,831
She used to say "hey"?
803
00:35:01,766 --> 00:35:03,700
Yeah.
804
00:35:03,702 --> 00:35:05,769
And I'm not so sure I'm ready for this kind of thing...
805
00:35:05,771 --> 00:35:08,472
No, I understand.
I didn't want to kiss you anyway.
806
00:35:08,474 --> 00:35:11,508
I like you.
It's just the way you said "hey" like that...
807
00:35:11,510 --> 00:35:12,776
Goodnight, Joel.
808
00:35:12,778 --> 00:35:13,844
JOEL: Hey, no,
look, Molly...
809
00:35:13,846 --> 00:35:15,512
Molly, wait... Look.
810
00:35:15,514 --> 00:35:17,848
I think you're great.
I just need a little time.
811
00:35:17,850 --> 00:35:20,484
You think you're the only person that's ever been hurt?
812
00:35:20,486 --> 00:35:23,353
Do you think it was easy for me
to watch Frank go Downward Dog
813
00:35:23,355 --> 00:35:26,323
on the yoga instructor while they were lying on my mat?
814
00:35:26,325 --> 00:35:28,258
My mat, Joel.
I didn't know.
815
00:35:28,260 --> 00:35:29,826
You don't know anything!
I can't even
816
00:35:29,828 --> 00:35:31,761
do yoga any more.
I only do Pilates.
817
00:35:32,697 --> 00:35:33,897
Good night.
818
00:35:33,899 --> 00:35:35,165
Molly...
819
00:35:36,300 --> 00:35:37,567
Molly, wait!
820
00:35:40,571 --> 00:35:41,838
Shit!
821
00:35:48,646 --> 00:35:52,883
JOEL: I knew at that very moment
that I had screwed up big-time.
822
00:35:52,885 --> 00:35:56,219
And then walking home,
I had this realization
823
00:35:56,221 --> 00:35:59,456
that my inability to open my dream
coffee shop was in many ways
824
00:35:59,458 --> 00:36:01,825
a metaphor for my inability to
follow through in my romantic life.
825
00:36:01,827 --> 00:36:03,894
Ah.
826
00:36:03,896 --> 00:36:06,196
And once I figured that out,
I didn't want to waste another moment
827
00:36:06,198 --> 00:36:08,765
before rushing back to Molly
and asking for another chance.
828
00:36:08,767 --> 00:36:10,200
So that's what you did?
829
00:36:10,202 --> 00:36:11,434
Not right away.
This buddy of mine
830
00:36:11,436 --> 00:36:13,303
who was super into
boogie-boarding
831
00:36:13,305 --> 00:36:14,671
invited me down to his place in Miami to check it out,
832
00:36:14,673 --> 00:36:16,706
so I went down there
for the weekend.
833
00:36:16,708 --> 00:36:18,708
But as soon as I got back,
I headed straight to Molly's store.
834
00:36:18,710 --> 00:36:20,911
I didn't want to
screw it up again,
835
00:36:20,913 --> 00:36:23,213
so I practiced what I was going
to say until it was perfect.
836
00:36:23,215 --> 00:36:25,248
Hey Molly,
I had such a great time the other night.
837
00:36:25,250 --> 00:36:28,318
I'm sorry I got weird there at the end.
I was just so...
838
00:36:28,320 --> 00:36:30,554
I was just so hamburgies
and hotdoggies.
839
00:36:32,590 --> 00:36:35,392
No, that sounds stupid.
That sounds so stupid.
840
00:36:35,394 --> 00:36:38,261
Hey Molly,
I had a great time the other night.
841
00:36:38,263 --> 00:36:40,530
Sorry it got weird
at the end there.
842
00:36:40,532 --> 00:36:43,333
I've been going through a lot recently,
and I was just feeling all...
843
00:36:43,335 --> 00:36:44,701
Green beans!
844
00:36:45,870 --> 00:36:49,739
No! Hey, Molly. Pancakey.
845
00:36:49,741 --> 00:36:53,210
Molly! I think your
friend Joel is here.
846
00:36:53,212 --> 00:36:56,213
And it looks like he's rehearsing an apology speech.
847
00:36:56,215 --> 00:36:59,416
Oh, no, Wanda! I look terrible!
I look like a chimney sweep.
848
00:36:59,418 --> 00:37:00,951
Okay, quick! I'll help you
find something better.
849
00:37:00,953 --> 00:37:02,285
Come on,
let's hurry, then!
850
00:37:12,630 --> 00:37:13,797
Molly?
851
00:37:16,701 --> 00:37:18,268
Guess she's not here.
852
00:37:28,980 --> 00:37:30,880
Is that you?
Hey, Joel, I...
853
00:37:32,516 --> 00:37:33,917
Where'd he go?
854
00:37:35,019 --> 00:37:36,353
Was that you?
855
00:37:40,424 --> 00:37:42,692
Oh, hey, big brother.
Did you go apologize to Molly?
856
00:37:42,694 --> 00:37:45,629
Oh, hey. I went by her store,
but she wasn't there.
857
00:37:45,631 --> 00:37:46,763
Well, did you
leave her a note?
858
00:37:46,765 --> 00:37:47,864
No. Should I have?
859
00:37:50,034 --> 00:37:54,271
You know, for a smart guy,
big brother, you sure are an idiot.
860
00:37:54,273 --> 00:37:57,674
You know what, Jake?
I've had it up to here with your little comments.
861
00:37:57,676 --> 00:37:59,976
You've got a bone to pick with me,
then spit it out.
862
00:37:59,978 --> 00:38:02,445
What? Is this
about rent, Joel?
863
00:38:02,447 --> 00:38:04,981
Because you can have
your stupid money.
864
00:38:04,983 --> 00:38:09,552
No. It's not about money, Jake.
It's never been about money!
865
00:38:09,554 --> 00:38:11,021
But you know what?
If you have a little rent,
866
00:38:11,023 --> 00:38:12,822
then, sure,
I'd gladly take it!
867
00:38:12,824 --> 00:38:13,923
I was being rhetorical!
868
00:38:13,925 --> 00:38:15,825
Of course you were!
869
00:38:15,827 --> 00:38:17,027
Of course you were!
870
00:38:18,696 --> 00:38:20,397
You're like a child.
871
00:38:20,399 --> 00:38:22,832
Well, if being
a grown-up means
872
00:38:22,834 --> 00:38:25,035
being a corporate
drone like you,
873
00:38:25,037 --> 00:38:26,569
then no thanks!
874
00:38:26,571 --> 00:38:28,438
I've got dreams, man!
875
00:38:28,440 --> 00:38:30,774
Well, your dreams
don't pay for the rent!
876
00:38:30,776 --> 00:38:33,376
This corporate
drone does!
877
00:38:33,378 --> 00:38:34,911
Do you remember
the tire swing?
878
00:38:34,913 --> 00:38:37,080
I don't have time for this.
No, I don't have time...
879
00:38:37,082 --> 00:38:39,049
I know you
remember it, Joel!
880
00:38:40,484 --> 00:38:43,353
The old maple tree.
881
00:38:43,355 --> 00:38:45,822
We used to spend
hours in that thing.
882
00:38:45,824 --> 00:38:47,624
Where'd it go, Joel?
883
00:38:47,626 --> 00:38:49,659
You sold it, didn't you?
884
00:38:49,661 --> 00:38:53,096
You traded in our fun for, what,
a few greenbacks?
885
00:38:57,101 --> 00:39:01,638
When Mom and Dad died,
I had to sell that tire
886
00:39:01,640 --> 00:39:04,541
to put food in your belly
and a shirt on your back.
887
00:39:06,610 --> 00:39:08,912
It was for you, Jake.
888
00:39:09,847 --> 00:39:11,047
All of it.
889
00:39:12,950 --> 00:39:14,484
(VOICE BREAKING)
It was always for you.
890
00:39:16,821 --> 00:39:18,655
I really miss Mom and Dad.
891
00:39:19,623 --> 00:39:20,790
Me, too.
892
00:39:21,792 --> 00:39:22,959
Me, too.
(SOBBING)
893
00:39:29,467 --> 00:39:31,134
Call Molly.
894
00:39:31,136 --> 00:39:32,936
Call her, man.
895
00:39:32,938 --> 00:39:34,471
Tell her how you feel.
896
00:39:36,140 --> 00:39:37,774
I'm gonna go
run some errands.
897
00:39:40,044 --> 00:39:41,111
Hey, Jake.
898
00:39:42,546 --> 00:39:43,680
Yeah?
899
00:39:45,649 --> 00:39:47,417
Thanks, little brother.
900
00:39:52,156 --> 00:39:54,124
Hey, Joel?
901
00:39:54,126 --> 00:39:55,658
Yeah?
902
00:39:55,660 --> 00:39:56,893
Go get 'em, Tiger.
903
00:39:57,828 --> 00:39:58,962
(SIGHS)
904
00:40:00,965 --> 00:40:02,165
Hey, Jake?
905
00:40:02,167 --> 00:40:03,500
Yeah?
906
00:40:04,869 --> 00:40:05,969
Thanks.
907
00:40:07,938 --> 00:40:09,506
Joel, one last thing.
908
00:40:09,508 --> 00:40:10,673
What's up?
909
00:40:11,709 --> 00:40:13,576
Thanks.
910
00:40:13,578 --> 00:40:14,811
Jake!
911
00:40:14,813 --> 00:40:15,945
Yo.
912
00:40:16,981 --> 00:40:18,047
Thanks.
913
00:40:21,485 --> 00:40:23,920
Okay, I'm lost.
What's going on?
914
00:40:23,922 --> 00:40:26,489
Basically he sold the tire swing to feed his brother.
915
00:40:26,491 --> 00:40:28,758
I get that,
but what does it have to do with the two of you?
916
00:40:28,760 --> 00:40:30,660
Um, I think
the idea is that
917
00:40:30,662 --> 00:40:32,495
after they meet up...
Right.
918
00:40:32,497 --> 00:40:34,464
...they both realize,
you know, how short life is.
919
00:40:34,466 --> 00:40:38,435
And so the brother told him to
call her to say he was sorry.
920
00:40:38,437 --> 00:40:40,570
And then he went
and ran errands.
921
00:40:40,572 --> 00:40:41,838
Is it something
like that?
922
00:40:41,840 --> 00:40:43,206
Yeah. Sure.
Whatever you want.
923
00:40:43,208 --> 00:40:44,641
So I called her
right away.
924
00:40:44,643 --> 00:40:46,643
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
925
00:40:46,645 --> 00:40:48,178
Hey, Molly, it's Joel.
How's it going?
926
00:40:48,180 --> 00:40:49,779
Hi.
927
00:40:49,781 --> 00:40:51,748
Uh, look, I wanted to
call you and apologize
928
00:40:51,750 --> 00:40:53,082
for the way that I
behaved the other night.
929
00:40:53,084 --> 00:40:54,918
I've learned that
my inability to
930
00:40:54,920 --> 00:40:57,086
follow through on
my dream coffee shop
931
00:40:57,088 --> 00:41:02,158
is a metaphor for my inability to
follow through on my romantic life.
932
00:41:02,160 --> 00:41:04,461
Listen, I wanna clear something
up before we go any further.
933
00:41:04,463 --> 00:41:06,029
I really appreciate your apology about the other night,
934
00:41:06,031 --> 00:41:07,230
but why did you
come over to my store
935
00:41:07,232 --> 00:41:09,466
and then leave
without coming in?
936
00:41:09,468 --> 00:41:11,801
I did come in,
but I couldn't find you. Oh, Really?
937
00:41:11,803 --> 00:41:14,904
I came there to apologize to you,
because I was a jerk. Oh.
938
00:41:14,906 --> 00:41:16,206
Okay, good.
Well, good.
939
00:41:18,576 --> 00:41:20,710
Molly, are you free
for dinner tonight?
940
00:41:22,246 --> 00:41:24,781
Sure.
941
00:41:24,783 --> 00:41:26,983
MOLLY: Wanda, I really
like this guy, Joel,
942
00:41:26,985 --> 00:41:28,918
but I just don't know
if he's the one.
943
00:41:28,920 --> 00:41:32,856
I mean,
I wish there was some sort of sign that proved it.
944
00:41:32,858 --> 00:41:35,024
Well, how about this?
945
00:41:35,026 --> 00:41:36,860
When you meet up with him tonight,
change the way you look.
946
00:41:36,862 --> 00:41:38,828
Just a tiny
little bit.
947
00:41:38,830 --> 00:41:41,164
But if he notices,
then that's how you'll know he's the one.
948
00:41:42,099 --> 00:41:43,700
Oh.
949
00:41:43,702 --> 00:41:47,237
Change the way I look
and see if he notices.
950
00:41:47,239 --> 00:41:49,772
Wanda, thank you.
You're the best.
951
00:41:49,774 --> 00:41:50,840
You are.
952
00:41:54,078 --> 00:41:55,612
No.
953
00:41:55,614 --> 00:41:57,146
I just felt like
I was gettin' a vibe.
954
00:42:08,125 --> 00:42:09,626
Hey.
Hi, there.
955
00:42:10,761 --> 00:42:11,928
You look different.
956
00:42:11,930 --> 00:42:13,263
Really?
You think so?
957
00:42:13,265 --> 00:42:15,064
You've got
Groucho glasses on.
958
00:42:17,835 --> 00:42:20,537
You noticed.
959
00:42:20,539 --> 00:42:23,072
Of course.
You must have gone to a gag store or something, huh?
960
00:42:24,842 --> 00:42:26,009
You're something.
961
00:42:27,077 --> 00:42:28,144
Come on, let's eat.
962
00:42:30,548 --> 00:42:32,215
(SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
963
00:42:32,217 --> 00:42:34,584
Bonjour.
May I take your coat?
964
00:42:34,586 --> 00:42:35,952
No, thank you.
I'll keep mine.
965
00:42:35,954 --> 00:42:37,620
We're okay.
966
00:42:37,622 --> 00:42:39,689
Well, in that case,
967
00:42:39,691 --> 00:42:44,160
may I then suggest you try the
greasy diner on Columbus and 67th.
968
00:42:44,162 --> 00:42:48,932
I think you will find their cuisine
and service up to your standards.
969
00:42:48,934 --> 00:42:51,601
Boy, does that guy have a pole up his ass or what?
970
00:42:51,603 --> 00:42:53,136
Yeah.
971
00:42:53,138 --> 00:42:55,004
Watch out, Joel! He does!
(DISHES SHATTERING)
972
00:43:01,178 --> 00:43:03,346
Care to hear
our specials?
973
00:43:03,348 --> 00:43:05,081
That's not necessary.
974
00:43:05,083 --> 00:43:06,849
I'm feeling adventurous tonight.
Surprise me.
975
00:43:07,785 --> 00:43:09,986
What? Really?
976
00:43:09,988 --> 00:43:11,621
You're willing to just throw
caution to the wind like that?
977
00:43:11,623 --> 00:43:13,323
Sure.
978
00:43:13,325 --> 00:43:16,225
Very well, madame.
For the fish, we have...
979
00:43:16,227 --> 00:43:18,595
Uh, wait! Whatever it is,
I'll have it.
980
00:43:19,330 --> 00:43:21,598
Very good, madame.
981
00:43:21,600 --> 00:43:23,066
And for monsieur?
982
00:43:23,068 --> 00:43:25,668
(STAMMERING)
983
00:43:25,670 --> 00:43:28,271
I'll have
the steak plate.
984
00:43:28,273 --> 00:43:30,840
Molly, really,
you don't even need to hear what the fish is?
985
00:43:30,842 --> 00:43:32,208
I'm sure.
986
00:43:32,210 --> 00:43:33,843
I am more sure
of this decision
987
00:43:33,845 --> 00:43:35,912
than anything ever
in my entire life.
988
00:43:37,047 --> 00:43:38,314
Who are you?
989
00:43:39,383 --> 00:43:41,618
WAITER: A steak
for monsieur,
990
00:43:41,620 --> 00:43:44,821
and for madame,
the stinky doo-doo fish special.
991
00:43:50,628 --> 00:43:52,762
Dinner was great, Molly.
I agree.
992
00:43:53,864 --> 00:43:56,165
Well, this is me.
993
00:43:57,768 --> 00:43:59,235
And this is me.
994
00:44:01,739 --> 00:44:03,806
I mean, this is me.
This is where I live.
995
00:44:03,808 --> 00:44:05,642
I know.
And this is where I live.
996
00:44:05,644 --> 00:44:07,810
And it's where you live, too.
With me.
997
00:44:08,746 --> 00:44:10,246
Oh, Joel...
998
00:44:10,248 --> 00:44:12,415
Look, I'm just gonna
throw my cards
999
00:44:12,417 --> 00:44:14,917
out on the table,
really go for broke.
1000
00:44:14,919 --> 00:44:16,386
I had a great
time tonight.
1001
00:44:16,388 --> 00:44:19,155
Would you like to go for a burrito sometime with me?
1002
00:44:19,157 --> 00:44:21,724
No. I'm sorry,
no. I wouldn't.
1003
00:44:21,726 --> 00:44:23,860
Oh, wow, I wasn't expecting that.
That's harsh.
1004
00:44:23,862 --> 00:44:26,162
It came out wrong.
I just don't like Mexican food.
1005
00:44:26,164 --> 00:44:27,430
I'm sorry.
1006
00:44:27,432 --> 00:44:29,298
You're sorry?
Thought you were Joel.
1007
00:44:29,300 --> 00:44:30,400
Actually, Joel
is my middle name.
1008
00:44:30,402 --> 00:44:31,868
Sorry is your
first name?
1009
00:44:31,870 --> 00:44:33,403
Billy is my
first name.
1010
00:44:33,405 --> 00:44:35,004
Your name is
Billy Joel?
1011
00:44:35,006 --> 00:44:37,674
Hmm...
1012
00:44:37,676 --> 00:44:40,977
I never really thought about that before,
but yeah. I guess it is.
1013
00:44:40,979 --> 00:44:42,311
I should probably
get going.
1014
00:44:43,847 --> 00:44:45,314
Have a good night.
1015
00:44:45,316 --> 00:44:46,749
Bye now.
Wait...
1016
00:44:47,685 --> 00:44:49,018
Yeah!
1017
00:44:49,020 --> 00:44:51,120
If you wanna come up,
uh, you know,
1018
00:44:52,056 --> 00:44:53,356
you can.
1019
00:44:55,259 --> 00:44:56,793
Shh.
1020
00:44:57,795 --> 00:45:00,029
Don't say
another word.
1021
00:45:00,031 --> 00:45:01,364
I would love
to come upstairs.
1022
00:45:06,937 --> 00:45:08,404
Keep going.
1023
00:45:17,915 --> 00:45:19,215
Where's your sister?
1024
00:45:20,751 --> 00:45:22,285
She and Tucker
went fly-fishing.
1025
00:45:22,287 --> 00:45:24,387
They won't be back
until tomorrow.
1026
00:45:24,389 --> 00:45:26,289
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
1027
00:45:30,294 --> 00:45:32,228
(SHATTERING)
1028
00:45:46,009 --> 00:45:48,311
(GLASS SHATTERING)
1029
00:45:48,313 --> 00:45:50,313
(CLATTERING)
1030
00:46:14,838 --> 00:46:16,139
Thirsty.
1031
00:46:32,523 --> 00:46:35,124
(ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING)
1032
00:46:55,112 --> 00:46:56,412
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
1033
00:46:58,849 --> 00:47:00,116
ALL: Oh!
1034
00:47:10,327 --> 00:47:12,228
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
1035
00:48:12,890 --> 00:48:15,458
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Whoo!
1036
00:48:15,460 --> 00:48:17,226
Wow, what
a terrific song!
1037
00:48:17,228 --> 00:48:19,462
Is there anywhere we
can get our own copy?
1038
00:48:19,464 --> 00:48:21,964
Oh, all the Internet download
services will have it, I-tones...
1039
00:48:21,966 --> 00:48:22,999
Rhapsory.
MOLLY: Amasong.
1040
00:48:23,001 --> 00:48:24,300
Svandorga.
1041
00:48:26,303 --> 00:48:27,937
MOLLY: I'm so happy
that we're driving
1042
00:48:27,939 --> 00:48:29,939
up to the country
to see my parents.
1043
00:48:29,941 --> 00:48:31,374
JOEL: I'm afraid
they're not gonna like me.
1044
00:48:31,376 --> 00:48:33,576
You're crazy.
They're gonna love you.
1045
00:48:36,046 --> 00:48:37,346
(DOOR OPENS)
1046
00:48:38,348 --> 00:48:40,583
Hey! Hi!
Hey!
1047
00:48:40,585 --> 00:48:41,951
BOTH: Oh.
1048
00:48:41,953 --> 00:48:43,319
Hi, Daddy.
Hi, sweetheart.
1049
00:48:43,321 --> 00:48:44,954
This is Joel.
1050
00:48:44,956 --> 00:48:46,455
How you doin'?
Hello, sir.
1051
00:48:46,457 --> 00:48:49,158
He's so cute, Molly.
Look at those dimples.
1052
00:48:49,160 --> 00:48:51,327
Yeah, I know.
1053
00:48:51,329 --> 00:48:55,698
So, Joel, this is where
we'll be dining tonight.
1054
00:48:55,700 --> 00:48:58,067
Hmm, I guess that's
why they call it
1055
00:48:58,069 --> 00:49:00,670
"the dining room".
Isn't that funny?
1056
00:49:02,005 --> 00:49:04,540
You know,
yeah, it is funny.
1057
00:49:04,542 --> 00:49:06,142
Want to see me
naked, Joel?
1058
00:49:06,144 --> 00:49:07,209
(STAMMERS)
1059
00:49:07,211 --> 00:49:08,511
See anything
you like?
1060
00:49:09,680 --> 00:49:11,314
Take me, Joel.
1061
00:49:11,316 --> 00:49:13,449
Shag me rotten.
1062
00:49:13,451 --> 00:49:16,185
But I'm in love with
your daughter, Mrs...
1063
00:49:16,187 --> 00:49:17,420
Whatever Molly's
last name is.
1064
00:49:18,522 --> 00:49:21,390
Good answer!
You did it, Joel.
1065
00:49:21,392 --> 00:49:23,326
He did it,
you guys!
1066
00:49:23,328 --> 00:49:25,428
Yeah.
(CHUCKLING)
1067
00:49:25,430 --> 00:49:27,630
You're the first boyfriend I ever had to pass the test!
1068
00:49:27,632 --> 00:49:30,066
I'm very impressed, Joel.
Very impressed. (CHUCKLING)
1069
00:49:30,068 --> 00:49:32,068
Uh, thanks.
1070
00:49:32,070 --> 00:49:34,403
I have watched many,
many of Molly's boyfriends
1071
00:49:34,405 --> 00:49:36,238
bend my wife
over that sideboard
1072
00:49:36,240 --> 00:49:39,408
and flunk the hell out of this test!
Oh.
1073
00:49:39,410 --> 00:49:40,743
Can I take
the test again?
1074
00:49:40,745 --> 00:49:42,578
(ALL LAUGHING)
1075
00:49:42,580 --> 00:49:45,648
Please? Come on,
I wanna fuck your mom.
1076
00:49:45,650 --> 00:49:47,416
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
1077
00:49:58,395 --> 00:50:00,196
I think I like you, Joel.
1078
00:50:02,165 --> 00:50:04,433
I think I like
you, too.
1079
00:50:04,435 --> 00:50:07,069
I think they like you.
(CHUCKLES)
1080
00:50:07,071 --> 00:50:10,539
I want to make a toast.
To my beautiful white daughter, Molly.
1081
00:50:10,541 --> 00:50:12,108
Hear, hear.
1082
00:50:12,110 --> 00:50:13,209
(GLASSES CLINKING)
1083
00:50:13,211 --> 00:50:14,710
Wait, what?
1084
00:50:14,712 --> 00:50:17,313
She is beautiful,
isn't she, Joel?
1085
00:50:17,315 --> 00:50:20,149
Skin pure as the driven snow.
1086
00:50:20,151 --> 00:50:21,784
Completely unmongrelized.
1087
00:50:22,719 --> 00:50:24,220
Uh...
1088
00:50:24,222 --> 00:50:26,622
My beautiful
Aryan princess, Molly.
1089
00:50:27,691 --> 00:50:29,425
To Molly.
1090
00:50:29,427 --> 00:50:30,659
Thanks, Mama.
1091
00:50:32,262 --> 00:50:34,063
What the fuck?
1092
00:50:34,065 --> 00:50:37,099
Joel, have you ever thought about how white people
1093
00:50:37,101 --> 00:50:39,535
should be proud of their heritage,
just like other people are?
1094
00:50:39,537 --> 00:50:41,070
No.
1095
00:50:41,072 --> 00:50:43,139
Do you realize because
of the race mixers
1096
00:50:43,141 --> 00:50:45,474
white people are now
the minority in this country?
1097
00:50:47,411 --> 00:50:49,412
It's a good point.
1098
00:50:49,414 --> 00:50:52,681
Guys, let's not bore Joel.
Justin, how's school?
1099
00:50:56,153 --> 00:50:58,254
How could you not tell me that your
parents were white supremacists?
1100
00:50:58,256 --> 00:50:59,422
I didn't think it
was important, Joel.
1101
00:50:59,424 --> 00:51:01,557
Not important?
Are you kidding?
1102
00:51:01,559 --> 00:51:03,659
"Oh, hi, Mom. It's me, Joel.
Guess what? I'm dating this great girl.
1103
00:51:03,661 --> 00:51:06,228
"Her name's Molly.
By the way, she's a Nazi."
1104
00:51:06,230 --> 00:51:08,230
So they're
a little eccentric!
1105
00:51:08,232 --> 00:51:10,399
I love you for who you are, Joel.
Why can't you do the same?
1106
00:51:10,401 --> 00:51:11,767
Let me guess.
The next thing you're about to say
1107
00:51:11,769 --> 00:51:13,769
is that it's really
hard making this work
1108
00:51:13,771 --> 00:51:16,305
because my job entails running
your business out of business!
1109
00:51:16,307 --> 00:51:18,240
Yes, that is exactly
what I was going to say.
1110
00:51:18,242 --> 00:51:20,810
Tiffany, would you just
calm down for a second!
1111
00:51:20,812 --> 00:51:24,413
Oh, my God!
You just called me by her name.
1112
00:51:24,415 --> 00:51:25,748
You are so not over her!
1113
00:51:25,750 --> 00:51:27,716
Okay, all right, please...
Oh, my God!
1114
00:51:27,718 --> 00:51:29,819
Just... Tiffany...
1115
00:51:31,221 --> 00:51:32,488
Oh, damn it!
1116
00:51:32,490 --> 00:51:33,489
I think you
should leave, Joel.
1117
00:51:33,491 --> 00:51:35,858
What?
1118
00:51:35,860 --> 00:51:38,194
I think you should take your briefcase,
take your suitcase,
1119
00:51:39,429 --> 00:51:41,363
and your squash racquet,
1120
00:51:41,365 --> 00:51:44,100
and all your magic markers,
1121
00:51:44,102 --> 00:51:48,871
and your toothbrush,
and your U2 CDs...
1122
00:51:48,873 --> 00:51:52,808
And don't forget your clompy
slippers and your floppy hat!
1123
00:51:52,810 --> 00:51:53,876
And get out!
1124
00:51:53,878 --> 00:51:55,344
But, I...
Go!
1125
00:52:12,863 --> 00:52:14,363
Hi, Joel.
1126
00:52:14,365 --> 00:52:16,799
Tiffany,
what are you doing here?
1127
00:52:16,801 --> 00:52:20,236
(VOICE BREAKING)
Oh, it's a long story.
1128
00:52:20,238 --> 00:52:24,507
Trevor moved out today,
and I'm just really upset.
1129
00:52:24,509 --> 00:52:27,843
And, well,
I'll admit it, horny.
1130
00:52:27,845 --> 00:52:30,446
Ew. She said that?
Give me a break.
1131
00:52:30,448 --> 00:52:33,849
I know. It sounds transparent,
but she sounded really sincere.
1132
00:52:33,851 --> 00:52:35,751
Well, great story.
1133
00:52:35,753 --> 00:52:38,287
Yeah.
We should get together again very soon. Yes.
1134
00:52:38,289 --> 00:52:40,322
We're not done.
Yeah, sit down.
1135
00:52:40,324 --> 00:52:42,358
Well, actually, it's getting so late,
and I have to run...
1136
00:52:42,360 --> 00:52:45,528
Sit your fuckin' ass down, Karen.
We're not done with the story.
1137
00:52:51,902 --> 00:52:53,502
You know,
you really hurt me, Tiff.
1138
00:52:53,504 --> 00:52:56,605
I know.
But I can't ever change that.
1139
00:52:56,607 --> 00:52:59,175
What's done is done.
1140
00:52:59,177 --> 00:53:00,843
I can't go back to
the way things were.
1141
00:53:00,845 --> 00:53:02,745
Things are gonna be
different this time, right?
1142
00:53:02,747 --> 00:53:06,248
Oh, probably not, Joel.
Old habits die hard.
1143
00:53:09,419 --> 00:53:11,620
Okay, but promise me that you're not here just because
1144
00:53:11,622 --> 00:53:14,190
Trevor dumped you and you're feeling sorry for yourself.
1145
00:53:14,192 --> 00:53:18,194
No. I can't promise you that, Joel,
because that is why I'm here.
1146
00:53:18,196 --> 00:53:20,229
I'm not gonna
candy-coat it.
1147
00:53:20,231 --> 00:53:22,865
If I were you,
I would be very wary of my motives.
1148
00:53:23,934 --> 00:53:25,234
Okay.
1149
00:53:26,403 --> 00:53:28,337
You've convinced me.
1150
00:53:28,339 --> 00:53:30,206
Let's give our relationship another try.
1151
00:53:32,742 --> 00:53:34,343
(BOTH MOANING)
1152
00:53:57,467 --> 00:53:59,335
I'm not sure Molly
needs to hear this.
1153
00:53:59,337 --> 00:54:00,970
Certainly not in
that level of detail.
1154
00:54:00,972 --> 00:54:02,504
Joel, that last move.
1155
00:54:02,506 --> 00:54:03,872
Mmm!
1156
00:54:03,874 --> 00:54:05,641
How did you hold her
up with your feet and
1157
00:54:05,643 --> 00:54:07,876
let her fall right down on you man?
That's cool.
1158
00:54:07,878 --> 00:54:10,279
What are you talking about?
Who said anything about that?
1159
00:54:10,281 --> 00:54:13,282
I'm sorry, man.
I guess I was picturing details in my mind's eye
1160
00:54:13,284 --> 00:54:14,516
as you were
verbally describing
1161
00:54:14,518 --> 00:54:16,452
what happened.
But man, Joel...
1162
00:54:16,454 --> 00:54:17,853
Mmm!
1163
00:54:17,855 --> 00:54:19,989
You're gettin' in
that pussy hole.
1164
00:54:19,991 --> 00:54:22,958
(IN SASSY VOICE) You can have the pussy.
Just save me the hole.
1165
00:54:22,960 --> 00:54:25,728
(JACKHAMMER POUNDING)
1166
00:54:27,697 --> 00:54:29,798
Nobody talk to me.
1167
00:54:29,800 --> 00:54:31,400
Joel and I
broke up last night.
1168
00:54:32,502 --> 00:54:33,836
And my store is doomed.
1169
00:54:34,771 --> 00:54:36,372
I'm a mess.
1170
00:54:36,374 --> 00:54:39,608
Honestly, Moll,
I never liked that Joel anyway.
1171
00:54:39,610 --> 00:54:41,977
I love him.
But I hate him!
1172
00:54:43,313 --> 00:54:45,281
(VOICE BREAKING)
But I love him.
1173
00:54:45,283 --> 00:54:46,348
(THUD)
1174
00:54:48,785 --> 00:54:50,653
(PHONE RINGING)
1175
00:54:50,655 --> 00:54:51,920
Hello? It's for you.
1176
00:54:53,523 --> 00:54:54,823
Who's this?
1177
00:54:54,825 --> 00:54:56,525
Hey, Molly.
It's Egg-flaps.
1178
00:54:56,527 --> 00:55:00,396
Oh. Ah...
Hi, Eggbert. How are you?
1179
00:55:00,398 --> 00:55:01,864
EGGBERT: I know you're worried
about your store closing down,
1180
00:55:01,866 --> 00:55:03,666
but I have some great news.
1181
00:55:03,668 --> 00:55:06,001
I happen to have
reservations for two
1182
00:55:06,003 --> 00:55:08,804
at La Senora
Enchilada at 7:00,
1183
00:55:08,806 --> 00:55:11,006
so do you wanna join me?
1184
00:55:11,008 --> 00:55:13,309
That's very sweet of
you to ask, but I...
1185
00:55:13,311 --> 00:55:15,077
You're not interested.
I get it.
1186
00:55:15,079 --> 00:55:17,513
Story of my life.
At least I tried, right?
1187
00:55:20,350 --> 00:55:21,817
Okay, Eggbert.
1188
00:55:21,819 --> 00:55:23,786
Really? That's great!
1189
00:55:23,788 --> 00:55:26,021
Reservations are at 7:00,
so I'll pick you up at 5:30.
1190
00:55:26,023 --> 00:55:27,423
(MEXICAN MUSIC PLAYING)
1191
00:55:27,425 --> 00:55:29,491
A chimichanga
for the senor.
1192
00:55:29,493 --> 00:55:30,993
Y para la senorita...
1193
00:55:30,995 --> 00:55:34,463
A hot beef and cheese burrito.
1194
00:55:34,465 --> 00:55:36,899
Yummy, yummy,
in my tummy!
1195
00:55:36,901 --> 00:55:38,734
Muchas gracias, Armando.
1196
00:55:38,736 --> 00:55:40,069
De nada, Senor Flaps.
1197
00:55:49,679 --> 00:55:50,946
It's hot, hot, hot!
1198
00:55:51,881 --> 00:55:53,515
So Molly.
1199
00:55:53,517 --> 00:55:57,920
What kinds of things
are you passionate about?
1200
00:56:00,824 --> 00:56:03,659
I love fiction books.
Do you?
1201
00:56:04,594 --> 00:56:05,694
No, I don't.
1202
00:56:07,764 --> 00:56:08,831
They're not real.
1203
00:56:11,368 --> 00:56:13,035
I like things
that are real.
1204
00:56:13,037 --> 00:56:15,838
Oh. I like fiction
books because I think
1205
00:56:15,840 --> 00:56:18,407
it takes you to a different world.
Uh-huh.
1206
00:56:18,409 --> 00:56:20,609
And people create a story... Sure.
1207
00:56:20,611 --> 00:56:23,479
...and characters that you
fall in love with.
1208
00:56:23,481 --> 00:56:27,516
Yeah, but they're not real.
You know that, right?
1209
00:56:27,518 --> 00:56:30,152
I remember in high school,
they made us read The Great Gatsby,
1210
00:56:30,154 --> 00:56:32,654
and I asked my teacher,
"Did this happen?"
1211
00:56:32,656 --> 00:56:35,557
And he was like, "No."
1212
00:56:35,559 --> 00:56:38,594
And I was like,
"Then why did they write it down?"
1213
00:56:38,596 --> 00:56:40,662
Jesus! What a douchebag!
1214
00:56:40,664 --> 00:56:43,499
Well, he meant well.
So we started seeing each other.
1215
00:56:43,501 --> 00:56:46,835
Meanwhile CSR's Superstore
was becoming a reality
1216
00:56:46,837 --> 00:56:48,804
and there was nothing
I could do to stop it.
1217
00:56:50,440 --> 00:56:52,107
MALE CANDY EXECUTIVE
We're gonna obliterate it!
1218
00:56:52,109 --> 00:56:53,709
(LAUGHING)
1219
00:56:53,711 --> 00:56:55,744
JOEL: Molly and I
weren't speaking,
1220
00:56:55,746 --> 00:56:58,847
and I was back with my old girlfriend,
my old life.
1221
00:56:58,849 --> 00:57:00,949
MOLLY: And then
the holiday season started.
1222
00:57:00,951 --> 00:57:03,886
Oh, hey. Brenda and I are having
a series of three holiday parties,
1223
00:57:03,888 --> 00:57:06,188
Thanksgiving, Christmas,
New Year's Eve. Mmm-hmm.
1224
00:57:06,190 --> 00:57:08,123
Three parties.
Got it.
1225
00:57:08,125 --> 00:57:10,692
We'd love it if you
and Tiff could come.
1226
00:57:10,694 --> 00:57:13,195
Well, I've gotta talk to Tiff,
but I'm sure she'll wanna go.
1227
00:57:13,197 --> 00:57:16,031
BOB: Great. The first one,
of course, is Thanksgiving.
1228
00:57:16,033 --> 00:57:18,066
GUEST 1: Happy Thanksgiving, Brenda.
GUEST 2: Happy Thanksgiving.
1229
00:57:18,068 --> 00:57:20,803
Hey, everybody!
I'm a Thanksgiving turkey.
1230
00:57:20,805 --> 00:57:22,771
(MIMICS TURKEY GOBBLING)
1231
00:57:22,773 --> 00:57:24,206
(LAUGHING)
1232
00:57:24,208 --> 00:57:25,941
(EGGBERT LAUGHING)
1233
00:57:26,876 --> 00:57:28,010
Mmm.
1234
00:57:31,881 --> 00:57:34,650
Dessert's almost ready.
Who wants coffee?
1235
00:57:34,652 --> 00:57:35,984
I would love a double-cream,
no coffee.
1236
00:57:35,986 --> 00:57:37,753
I'll have a half
mocha macchiato.
1237
00:57:37,755 --> 00:57:41,690
I'll have a caf, half latte
caramel venti frappacino.
1238
00:57:41,692 --> 00:57:44,760
BOTH: Boy,
whatever happened to just good old regular coffee?
1239
00:57:47,564 --> 00:57:49,031
Asshole.
Cunt.
1240
00:57:51,134 --> 00:57:52,868
GUEST 1: Christmas!
GUEST 2: Now it's Christmas!
1241
00:57:52,870 --> 00:57:54,937
BOB: Christmastime charades!
Tiffany, it's your turn.
1242
00:57:54,939 --> 00:57:56,004
My turn.
BOB: It's your turn.
1243
00:57:58,041 --> 00:57:59,908
On your mark.
Get set. Go.
1244
00:57:59,910 --> 00:58:03,912
Okay. Uh...
1245
00:58:03,914 --> 00:58:06,215
BOTH: For Colored Girls Who Have Considered
Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf!
1246
00:58:06,217 --> 00:58:07,483
Yes!
1247
00:58:07,485 --> 00:58:09,084
Yeah!
1248
00:58:09,086 --> 00:58:11,186
It's Chariots of Fire.
BOB: Whoa, whoa, whoa...
1249
00:58:11,188 --> 00:58:13,589
Chariots of Fire.
BOB: No, no, hon...
1250
00:58:13,591 --> 00:58:15,023
GUEST 1: Yay, Brenda!
1251
00:58:15,025 --> 00:58:16,225
GUEST 2: You got it!
She got it!
1252
00:58:16,227 --> 00:58:17,759
Wow! That was great, babe!
1253
00:58:18,728 --> 00:58:19,895
VARIOUS PEOPLE: Movie. Movie.
1254
00:58:19,897 --> 00:58:21,597
Paws!
Laws!
1255
00:58:21,599 --> 00:58:22,698
Jizz!
Jews!
1256
00:58:22,700 --> 00:58:24,066
Time's up.
Jaws.
1257
00:58:24,068 --> 00:58:25,601
I was doing Jaws.
1258
00:58:25,603 --> 00:58:27,603
(GUESTS GROAN)
1259
00:58:27,605 --> 00:58:28,804
Told you I
wasn't good at this.
1260
00:58:29,739 --> 00:58:31,039
You're great at this.
1261
00:58:35,778 --> 00:58:37,279
GUEST 1: Now it's New Year's!
GUEST 2: Now it's New Year's Eve!
1262
00:58:37,281 --> 00:58:38,680
BOB: Two minutes
until the New Year!
1263
00:58:38,682 --> 00:58:39,882
GUEST 2: New Year's Eve.
1264
00:58:39,884 --> 00:58:40,883
(GUESTS CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY)
1265
00:58:40,885 --> 00:58:42,084
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
1266
00:58:47,724 --> 00:58:48,924
Hey.
Hi.
1267
00:58:52,228 --> 00:58:53,562
You look great.
1268
00:58:54,731 --> 00:58:56,798
Thanks. So do you.
1269
00:58:56,800 --> 00:59:00,235
All right, everybody, get ready.
It's one more minute.
1270
00:59:00,237 --> 00:59:01,970
I'm gonna get a drink.
Do you want one?
1271
00:59:01,972 --> 00:59:03,939
Oh, uh...
I'm all right.
1272
00:59:10,179 --> 00:59:12,080
Everybody, listen up!
1273
00:59:12,082 --> 00:59:14,116
I got somethin' to say.
1274
00:59:14,118 --> 00:59:16,184
I wasn't gonna do
this tonight, but
1275
00:59:16,186 --> 00:59:18,320
I was just thinkin' about it,
and what the heck?
1276
00:59:19,756 --> 00:59:21,056
Hey, Molly.
1277
00:59:22,191 --> 00:59:23,292
(WOMAN GASPS)
1278
00:59:23,294 --> 00:59:24,960
Will you marry me?
1279
00:59:33,937 --> 00:59:35,604
Yes.
1280
00:59:35,606 --> 00:59:36,805
Yes?
1281
00:59:37,907 --> 00:59:39,675
Yes?
1282
00:59:39,677 --> 00:59:40,742
Yes.
1283
00:59:42,111 --> 00:59:45,814
BOB: Eight, seven, six...
1284
00:59:45,816 --> 00:59:47,049
EGGBERT: Oh, happy day!
BOB AND PARTYGOERS: Five, four,
1285
00:59:47,051 --> 00:59:50,152
three, two, one.
1286
00:59:50,154 --> 00:59:52,621
Happy New Year!
1287
00:59:52,623 --> 00:59:54,122
(PARTY HORNS HONKING)
1288
00:59:54,124 --> 00:59:57,059
Why did you say yes?
He's so clearly wrong for you.
1289
00:59:57,061 --> 00:59:59,061
It's one of
those weird ones.
1290
00:59:59,063 --> 01:00:01,697
I guess that's just what it is,
one of those weird ones, huh?
1291
01:00:01,699 --> 01:00:04,600
Shall we just chalk it up
to that and move on?
1292
01:00:04,602 --> 01:00:05,767
(FIREWORKS WHIZZING)
1293
01:00:06,703 --> 01:00:08,270
(CAR HORNS HONKING)
1294
01:00:08,272 --> 01:00:09,738
MAN: Happy New Year!
1295
01:00:10,673 --> 01:00:12,341
Do you love me?
1296
01:00:12,343 --> 01:00:14,843
I love Saturdays.
1297
01:00:14,845 --> 01:00:18,213
I know you love Saturdays,
but do you love me?
1298
01:00:19,849 --> 01:00:23,885
I think you're A-okay.
1299
01:00:23,887 --> 01:00:26,388
How many times do I have to
say it before you believe me?
1300
01:00:26,390 --> 01:00:29,725
Look, there's something
I need to tell you.
1301
01:00:29,727 --> 01:00:33,395
Ever since you and I got back together,
something hasn't felt right.
1302
01:00:33,397 --> 01:00:38,266
I think deep down,
you're a horrible person.
1303
01:00:38,268 --> 01:00:40,235
Granted,
you're smoking hot.
1304
01:00:40,237 --> 01:00:42,404
And that's something no one
could ever take away from you.
1305
01:00:42,406 --> 01:00:44,072
Except of course,
Father Time,
1306
01:00:44,074 --> 01:00:45,774
who will most certainly
take that away from you
1307
01:00:45,776 --> 01:00:47,909
sooner rather than later.
But that's not my point.
1308
01:00:47,911 --> 01:00:48,977
What is your point?
1309
01:00:48,979 --> 01:00:50,245
My point is...
1310
01:00:52,215 --> 01:00:55,017
I'm sorry,
but it's over.
1311
01:00:55,019 --> 01:00:57,686
Are you breaking up
with me?
1312
01:00:57,688 --> 01:01:01,657
Yes. And I should have
done it a long time ago.
1313
01:01:01,659 --> 01:01:03,725
You and I are like rain-proofing on a wooden deck.
1314
01:01:04,661 --> 01:01:05,961
Finished.
1315
01:01:05,963 --> 01:01:07,829
Well, fine.
1316
01:01:07,831 --> 01:01:10,699
And you want to know something?
I always faked it.
1317
01:01:10,701 --> 01:01:12,734
Faked what?
Your orgasms?
1318
01:01:12,736 --> 01:01:15,270
No, Joel.
I'm not who you think I am.
1319
01:01:21,044 --> 01:01:22,210
Judge Judy?
1320
01:01:22,212 --> 01:01:23,945
That's right.
And for the record,
1321
01:01:23,947 --> 01:01:26,381
those orgasms were
as real as they get.
1322
01:01:27,984 --> 01:01:30,285
Now get your
shit together, Joel.
1323
01:01:32,689 --> 01:01:35,424
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
1324
01:01:35,426 --> 01:01:37,292
JOEL: It all fell
apart that night.
1325
01:01:37,294 --> 01:01:38,694
As the weeks
and months passed,
1326
01:01:38,696 --> 01:01:40,429
I tried to move
on with my life.
1327
01:01:40,431 --> 01:01:43,432
I tried to focus on my work,
started exercising,
1328
01:01:43,434 --> 01:01:46,034
and got married,
but it didn't pan out.
1329
01:01:46,036 --> 01:01:48,470
By the time Spring came,
I thought I might finally be over Molly.
1330
01:01:50,006 --> 01:01:51,973
Then I noticed something
on my fridge.
1331
01:02:41,357 --> 01:02:43,892
Are you okay, bubela?
Hmm...
1332
01:02:43,894 --> 01:02:46,228
Oh, yeah.
I'm good. I'm just
1333
01:02:48,030 --> 01:02:50,165
thinking about
some stuff.
1334
01:02:50,167 --> 01:02:51,967
Let me tell you
a little story.
1335
01:02:51,969 --> 01:02:53,969
Wait! Who is
this person?
1336
01:02:53,971 --> 01:02:55,837
My bubby.
1337
01:02:55,839 --> 01:02:57,939
The lady I was talking about that likes fiction books?
1338
01:02:57,941 --> 01:03:01,309
Oh, your grandmother.
Yeah.
1339
01:03:01,311 --> 01:03:05,347
Let me tell you a little story.
It's about bagels.
1340
01:03:05,349 --> 01:03:07,215
Wait, say no more.
I've got it.
1341
01:03:07,217 --> 01:03:08,316
You were gonna
say the bagels are
1342
01:03:08,318 --> 01:03:09,518
a metaphor for
the circle of life.
1343
01:03:09,520 --> 01:03:10,952
No, I wasn't
gonna say that.
1344
01:03:10,954 --> 01:03:12,087
Oh, my God,
of course!
1345
01:03:12,089 --> 01:03:13,955
How could I have
not seen it?
1346
01:03:13,957 --> 01:03:17,025
I let my desire to land the Dickricker
account cloud my judgment!
1347
01:03:17,027 --> 01:03:19,227
I know exactly what to do!
Thank you, Bubby!
1348
01:03:19,229 --> 01:03:22,430
(CHUCKLING) Oh, Joel,
I'm so proud of you!
1349
01:03:33,576 --> 01:03:35,243
What are we doin'?
1350
01:03:35,245 --> 01:03:36,978
I don't know,
but it feels so right.
1351
01:03:38,948 --> 01:03:41,516
Oh, God, Bubby,
I wanna fuck you so bad.
1352
01:03:41,518 --> 01:03:44,519
Do it. Do it, Joel.
Don't overthink this.
1353
01:03:50,092 --> 01:03:52,561
Oh, no. I...
1354
01:03:52,563 --> 01:03:54,095
(STUTTERING)
I should go.
1355
01:03:54,097 --> 01:03:55,897
Yeah, I get it.
1356
01:04:01,537 --> 01:04:03,271
Hey, Bubby.
1357
01:04:03,273 --> 01:04:04,606
Yes, bubela?
1358
01:04:08,044 --> 01:04:09,344
Thanks.
1359
01:04:17,086 --> 01:04:19,054
ROLAND: All those in favor
of demolishing Upper
1360
01:04:19,056 --> 01:04:21,189
Sweet Side once and
for all, say "aye."
1361
01:04:21,191 --> 01:04:22,424
ALL: Aye.
1362
01:04:22,426 --> 01:04:23,491
Wait!
1363
01:04:23,493 --> 01:04:25,126
Joel? What are
you doing here?
1364
01:04:25,128 --> 01:04:26,461
We can't do this.
1365
01:04:26,463 --> 01:04:28,396
Oh, yes, we can.
And we are.
1366
01:04:28,398 --> 01:04:29,931
It's wrong.
"Wrong"?
1367
01:04:29,933 --> 01:04:30,932
Yeah. It's wrong.
1368
01:04:30,934 --> 01:04:33,101
"It's"?
1369
01:04:33,103 --> 01:04:34,636
It's terribly wrong,
and I'm gonna explain why.
1370
01:04:34,638 --> 01:04:35,937
"Why"?
1371
01:04:35,939 --> 01:04:37,339
Trevor,
let me speak.
1372
01:04:37,341 --> 01:04:40,442
TREVOR: What...
Let him speak.
1373
01:04:40,444 --> 01:04:45,013
Look, we didn't get into the candy
game to make money, did we?
1374
01:04:45,015 --> 01:04:48,283
We got into the candy game to make candy
1375
01:04:48,285 --> 01:04:50,151
for kids of all
ages to enjoy.
1376
01:04:50,153 --> 01:04:52,587
Because we're not
money people, people.
1377
01:04:54,056 --> 01:04:55,190
We're candy people.
1378
01:04:56,893 --> 01:04:58,159
We're candy people.
1379
01:05:00,463 --> 01:05:02,464
Used to be a time when
we all believed that.
1380
01:05:04,000 --> 01:05:05,333
Remember those days,
Habermeyer?
1381
01:05:07,303 --> 01:05:08,603
Martinson?
1382
01:05:11,140 --> 01:05:14,309
Isn't there room in New York City
for two candy stores, Roland?
1383
01:05:14,311 --> 01:05:17,112
Don't be seduced
by his word jazz.
1384
01:05:17,114 --> 01:05:18,280
Shut up, Trevor.
1385
01:05:19,548 --> 01:05:21,349
You may have
a point, Joel.
1386
01:05:23,252 --> 01:05:24,386
Keep going.
1387
01:05:26,589 --> 01:05:30,191
If we lock the trunk and throw away
the key on Molly's little candy shop,
1388
01:05:30,193 --> 01:05:31,660
aren't we really
locking the trunk
1389
01:05:31,662 --> 01:05:33,695
and throwing away
the key on ourselves?
1390
01:05:36,332 --> 01:05:39,601
Saving Molly's candy shop isn't about saving the shop.
1391
01:05:39,603 --> 01:05:41,503
Saving that
little candy shop
1392
01:05:41,505 --> 01:05:44,940
is about saving life on Earth as we know it!
1393
01:05:47,243 --> 01:05:50,378
That's all I've got.
I'm sorry to have wasted your time.
1394
01:05:51,314 --> 01:05:52,580
ROLAND: He's right.
1395
01:05:57,053 --> 01:05:59,587
Well, well, well.
1396
01:06:01,524 --> 01:06:04,426
You just got yourself a big
promotion and a corner office.
1397
01:06:04,428 --> 01:06:06,361
What?
1398
01:06:06,363 --> 01:06:09,664
Oh, my God. I'm so shocked.
I wasn't expecting that to happen at all.
1399
01:06:09,666 --> 01:06:13,268
This is ridiculous.
That corner office was mine!
1400
01:06:13,270 --> 01:06:15,470
I'm sorry, Trevor.
Didn't you hear? You're fired!
1401
01:06:15,472 --> 01:06:18,239
And if your desk isn't empty by tomorrow morning,
1402
01:06:18,241 --> 01:06:20,275
I am gonna have
your license revoked.
1403
01:06:20,277 --> 01:06:21,376
What license?
1404
01:06:21,378 --> 01:06:23,078
ROLAND: It's over, Trevor.
1405
01:06:23,080 --> 01:06:25,280
Now get out of here
before I change my mind!
1406
01:06:25,282 --> 01:06:28,483
No, I want you to change your mind.
Then I'll still have a job.
1407
01:06:28,485 --> 01:06:28,483
Go!
1408
01:06:32,722 --> 01:06:35,490
And one more thing.
John, come on in here!
1409
01:06:37,727 --> 01:06:39,194
John Dickricker?
1410
01:06:39,196 --> 01:06:42,063
That's right, Joel.
This is John Dickricker,
1411
01:06:42,065 --> 01:06:46,101
and the Dickricker
account is yours again.
1412
01:06:46,103 --> 01:06:47,102
(ALL EXCLAIMING HAPPILY)
1413
01:06:47,104 --> 01:06:48,203
Wow!
1414
01:06:48,205 --> 01:06:50,739
I'm overwhelmed.
1415
01:06:50,741 --> 01:06:53,274
But I'm sorry,
I can't accept your offer. What?
1416
01:06:53,276 --> 01:06:56,044
I'm tendering my resignation, Roland.
(ALL MURMURING)
1417
01:06:56,046 --> 01:06:58,646
That's right, everybody.
I quit. (ALL GASPING)
1418
01:06:58,648 --> 01:07:00,248
Effective immediately.
1419
01:07:00,250 --> 01:07:01,683
I'm gonna pursue
my dream and open
1420
01:07:01,685 --> 01:07:04,219
my own coffee shop,
"Cup of Joel".
1421
01:07:04,221 --> 01:07:07,722
You've probably all heard of "cup of joe".
This is a play on that.
1422
01:07:07,724 --> 01:07:09,758
'Cause of my name being Joel.
ALL: Oh...
1423
01:07:09,760 --> 01:07:13,395
Yeah. So you get it. "Cup of Joel,"
"cup of joe," "Cup of Joel."
1424
01:07:13,397 --> 01:07:14,729
Oh, cute.
1425
01:07:14,731 --> 01:07:16,664
I'll help you, Joel.
I quit, too.
1426
01:07:19,035 --> 01:07:21,436
It's okay. I've got it.
But thank you.
1427
01:07:21,438 --> 01:07:23,071
Oh...
1428
01:07:23,073 --> 01:07:24,205
All hail Joel!
1429
01:07:24,207 --> 01:07:26,574
(ALL CHEERING)
1430
01:07:28,077 --> 01:07:29,477
MAN: Here's to you, Joel.
1431
01:07:32,648 --> 01:07:34,649
Where's Bob?
1432
01:07:34,651 --> 01:07:37,752
Oh, Bob's at that
woman Molly's wedding.
1433
01:07:37,754 --> 01:07:41,423
Oh... Oh, Joel, I'm so sorry.
I thought you knew.
1434
01:07:41,425 --> 01:07:43,658
She's getting married in,
like, 20 minutes.
1435
01:07:45,761 --> 01:07:47,595
I have to
do something.
1436
01:07:49,298 --> 01:07:51,299
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
1437
01:08:01,610 --> 01:08:02,744
(WHISTLES)
1438
01:08:06,849 --> 01:08:09,084
Uptown! And step on it!
I'm in a huge hurry!
1439
01:08:09,086 --> 01:08:10,819
DRIVER: I can't do it, man.
I'm off duty.
1440
01:08:10,821 --> 01:08:13,321
Damn it, I'm screwed!
1441
01:08:13,323 --> 01:08:15,657
But in your case, brother,
I'll make an exception.
1442
01:08:15,659 --> 01:08:17,592
Jake.
1443
01:08:17,594 --> 01:08:19,694
Finally got
that job, huh?
1444
01:08:19,696 --> 01:08:21,129
You're not the only
one in this family
1445
01:08:21,131 --> 01:08:22,363
who's getting
his shit together.
1446
01:08:24,100 --> 01:08:25,700
Now let's go
get you that girl.
1447
01:08:25,702 --> 01:08:27,769
(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
1448
01:08:38,581 --> 01:08:41,683
I'm terrified, Daddy.
Am I doing the right thing?
1449
01:08:41,685 --> 01:08:43,885
Oh, Honey, if Eggbert's
the one, you'll know.
1450
01:08:45,354 --> 01:08:46,421
Let's go, let's go!
1451
01:08:46,423 --> 01:08:47,489
We're almost there!
1452
01:08:47,491 --> 01:08:49,357
Oh, God, come on, come on!
1453
01:08:52,394 --> 01:08:53,795
MINISTER: You may be seated.
1454
01:09:04,673 --> 01:09:06,841
Hey, pretty lady.
1455
01:09:06,843 --> 01:09:10,678
Eggbert, do you notice anything different about me?
1456
01:09:10,680 --> 01:09:11,746
Anything at all?
1457
01:09:14,683 --> 01:09:17,152
No. You look incredible.
1458
01:09:17,887 --> 01:09:19,821
Oh, I knew it.
1459
01:09:21,524 --> 01:09:24,526
Eggbert, I'm sorry.
You're a very nice man.
1460
01:09:24,528 --> 01:09:28,429
But I would rather be alone and
happy than with you and unhappy.
1461
01:09:30,399 --> 01:09:31,799
What are you saying?
1462
01:09:31,801 --> 01:09:34,369
It's not you.
It's me.
1463
01:09:34,371 --> 01:09:36,671
I'm sorry, Eggbert.
Thank you for showing me
1464
01:09:36,673 --> 01:09:39,607
what a big mistake it would be if I married you today.
1465
01:09:45,748 --> 01:09:46,948
Molly, where
are you going?
1466
01:09:58,460 --> 01:09:59,694
Hey, Aunt Flo!
1467
01:10:00,896 --> 01:10:02,797
Molly, I love you!
1468
01:10:03,899 --> 01:10:05,800
She's not here, Joel!
1469
01:10:07,303 --> 01:10:08,870
What? Where is she?
1470
01:10:10,439 --> 01:10:11,973
Your guess is
as good as mine.
1471
01:10:11,975 --> 01:10:16,644
She was here at the altar,
and then she left,
1472
01:10:16,646 --> 01:10:19,747
and we don't have any way
to know where she might be.
1473
01:10:22,218 --> 01:10:23,284
I think I know.
1474
01:10:24,220 --> 01:10:25,286
Follow me!
1475
01:10:26,789 --> 01:10:27,855
What?
1476
01:10:32,494 --> 01:10:33,695
Sox!
Celtics!
1477
01:10:33,697 --> 01:10:34,862
Ben Affleck!
1478
01:10:35,965 --> 01:10:38,299
She's not here.
1479
01:10:38,301 --> 01:10:39,701
Are you sure that's what she said?
1480
01:10:40,803 --> 01:10:42,837
I know where she is!
Follow me!
1481
01:10:53,916 --> 01:10:55,383
She's not here.
1482
01:10:56,318 --> 01:10:57,552
MOLLY: Joel!
1483
01:10:57,554 --> 01:10:58,720
You are here!
1484
01:10:58,722 --> 01:11:00,255
(CROWD MURMURING)
1485
01:11:02,458 --> 01:11:03,891
I've come for you.
1486
01:11:03,893 --> 01:11:06,294
It's too late.
What?
1487
01:11:06,296 --> 01:11:07,996
There's nothing
left for me here.
1488
01:11:07,998 --> 01:11:11,499
My flight leaves in an hour.
I have to leave.
1489
01:11:11,501 --> 01:11:12,767
Wait!
1490
01:11:12,769 --> 01:11:14,669
Molly.
1491
01:11:14,671 --> 01:11:15,870
I love you.
1492
01:11:16,972 --> 01:11:19,741
I don't know what
you want me to say.
1493
01:11:19,743 --> 01:11:21,542
You ran my business
into the ground.
1494
01:11:21,544 --> 01:11:22,977
ROLAND: No, he didn't!
1495
01:11:22,979 --> 01:11:25,780
(CROWD GASPING)
No, he did not.
1496
01:11:25,782 --> 01:11:29,350
Molly, not only did
Joel save your candy shop,
1497
01:11:29,352 --> 01:11:31,853
but he also made it possible
for it to flourish
1498
01:11:32,788 --> 01:11:33,855
forever.
1499
01:11:35,658 --> 01:11:37,292
Forever.
1500
01:11:37,294 --> 01:11:38,593
This is the same
guy who pooped
1501
01:11:38,595 --> 01:11:39,727
in his costume at
the Halloween party?
1502
01:11:39,729 --> 01:11:40,895
That's right.
1503
01:11:43,432 --> 01:11:44,699
Thank you, Joel.
1504
01:11:44,701 --> 01:11:45,767
I misjudged you.
1505
01:11:46,702 --> 01:11:48,736
Give me another chance!
1506
01:11:48,738 --> 01:11:50,471
I don't know how I'm supposed to respond to that.
1507
01:11:50,473 --> 01:11:54,509
By saying, "Yes, Joel,
I'll give you another chance."
1508
01:11:54,511 --> 01:11:57,312
Oh, come on, Molly.
Give him another chance.
1509
01:11:57,314 --> 01:11:58,780
I'm sorry.
I have to go.
1510
01:11:58,782 --> 01:12:01,749
Wait! Then how
about this?
1511
01:12:01,751 --> 01:12:03,318
I love how you
make a goofy face
1512
01:12:03,320 --> 01:12:04,652
every time you don't
know what to say.
1513
01:12:04,654 --> 01:12:06,521
(CHUCKLES)
1514
01:12:06,523 --> 01:12:08,323
I love how you
order a muffin.
1515
01:12:08,325 --> 01:12:09,757
Joel.
1516
01:12:09,759 --> 01:12:12,527
Oh, Molly, I guess what
I'm trying to say is,
1517
01:12:12,529 --> 01:12:16,798
I saw those Groucho glasses
stuck to your face
1518
01:12:16,800 --> 01:12:19,867
and I promise I'll notice them
every single time you put them on.
1519
01:12:20,903 --> 01:12:22,670
Listen to me.
If you're asking me
1520
01:12:22,672 --> 01:12:24,972
to give you a second chance,
the answer...
1521
01:12:24,974 --> 01:12:26,808
MAN: Wait!
(ALL GASP)
1522
01:12:26,810 --> 01:12:28,543
Molly.
1523
01:12:28,545 --> 01:12:30,611
MOLLY: Frank?
1524
01:12:30,613 --> 01:12:32,914
Frank, my old boyfriend.
Remember? Right.
1525
01:12:32,916 --> 01:12:34,115
MOLLY: What are
you doing here?
1526
01:12:34,117 --> 01:12:36,718
Where's Mia,
the yoga instructor?
1527
01:12:36,720 --> 01:12:38,586
Thought you two had eloped and gone to Paris.
1528
01:12:38,588 --> 01:12:40,021
She died, so that's over.
1529
01:12:41,590 --> 01:12:43,858
Marry me, Molly.
1530
01:12:43,860 --> 01:12:46,127
No, Frank.
It's too late for that.
1531
01:12:48,564 --> 01:12:49,864
Okay.
1532
01:12:53,402 --> 01:12:54,802
Anyway, my answer is... WOMAN: Molly!
1533
01:12:54,804 --> 01:12:56,537
Molly!
1534
01:12:56,539 --> 01:12:58,039
Oh, my sister.
1535
01:12:58,041 --> 01:13:00,141
Molly!
1536
01:13:00,143 --> 01:13:04,612
Spike, your ex-husband and Tucker's dad,
just got released from jail.
1537
01:13:04,614 --> 01:13:07,382
And he knows about Joel,
and he's really pissed, and he's coming now!
1538
01:13:07,384 --> 01:13:08,983
What?
(ALL SCREAMING)
1539
01:13:08,985 --> 01:13:10,551
Oh, shit! Look out, Joel!
He's got a sword!
1540
01:13:11,487 --> 01:13:13,454
(GROWLING)
1541
01:13:14,456 --> 01:13:17,592
Oh, I'm gonna
kill you.
1542
01:13:17,594 --> 01:13:20,161
You can't take my family away from me!
1543
01:13:20,163 --> 01:13:21,496
Joel, duck!
1544
01:13:21,498 --> 01:13:23,598
(CROWD GASPING)
1545
01:13:33,108 --> 01:13:34,409
Yeah!
1546
01:13:43,719 --> 01:13:45,520
(CROWD CHEERING)
1547
01:13:50,125 --> 01:13:52,527
Good job, Joel.
1548
01:13:52,529 --> 01:13:54,462
You ain't seen the last of me,
Billy Joel!
1549
01:13:54,464 --> 01:13:56,097
You ain't seen
the last of me!
1550
01:13:56,099 --> 01:13:57,832
Tell it to
the judge, Spike.
1551
01:13:57,834 --> 01:13:59,634
You're going back to prison where you belong.
1552
01:13:59,636 --> 01:14:03,204
I always loved you, bitch!
1553
01:14:03,206 --> 01:14:06,140
And "good job" for Molly's sister Katherine, too,
for alerting us.
1554
01:14:06,142 --> 01:14:07,742
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
1555
01:14:07,744 --> 01:14:09,010
Thanks, everybody!
1556
01:14:11,547 --> 01:14:15,049
Oh, for cryin' out loud,
Molly, will you marry me?
1557
01:14:15,051 --> 01:14:17,685
And don't anyone interrupt me
this time, okay? (CHUCKLES)
1558
01:14:17,687 --> 01:14:19,654
(ALL LAUGHING)
1559
01:14:21,190 --> 01:14:22,723
Joel.
1560
01:14:22,725 --> 01:14:25,626
I think maybe we're getting
ahead of ourselves.
1561
01:14:25,628 --> 01:14:27,895
Let's go get
a cup of coffee.
1562
01:14:27,897 --> 01:14:30,765
Yeah. Coffee.
That sounds good.
1563
01:14:31,700 --> 01:14:32,967
That sounds great!
1564
01:14:32,969 --> 01:14:34,635
(CROWD CHEERING)
1565
01:14:52,554 --> 01:14:54,655
JOEL: Ladies and gentlemen,
presenting
1566
01:14:54,657 --> 01:14:56,057
Cup of Joel!
1567
01:14:56,992 --> 01:14:59,227
(CROWD CHEERING)
1568
01:15:10,672 --> 01:15:11,806
(CHEERING)
1569
01:15:16,545 --> 01:15:18,145
(LAUGHING)
That is a crazy story!
1570
01:15:18,147 --> 01:15:19,580
JOEL: Told ya!
1571
01:15:19,582 --> 01:15:21,048
It's like a corny
romantic comedy.
1572
01:15:21,050 --> 01:15:22,216
(ALL CHUCKLE)
KYLE: It is.
1573
01:15:22,218 --> 01:15:24,285
It was such
a great beginning,
1574
01:15:24,287 --> 01:15:25,953
why did you guys decide to get a divorce?
1575
01:15:27,222 --> 01:15:30,224
Well, things got
pretty rough after that.
1576
01:15:30,226 --> 01:15:32,994
Roland's promise to keep my store flourishing forever,
1577
01:15:32,996 --> 01:15:35,963
well, it turned out to be a little bit
more complicated than we thought.
1578
01:15:35,965 --> 01:15:38,099
Long story short,
the store is gone.
1579
01:15:38,101 --> 01:15:41,903
And Cup of Joel basically crashed
and burned after a week.
1580
01:15:41,905 --> 01:15:43,871
I mean, it really
wasn't anything.
1581
01:15:43,873 --> 01:15:46,607
And as much as little Tucker
loved havin' a new dad around,
1582
01:15:46,609 --> 01:15:48,209
he was pretty traumatized
seein' his real dad
1583
01:15:48,211 --> 01:15:50,144
get shot in the face
by the police.
1584
01:15:50,146 --> 01:15:52,613
MOLLY: The debts
started to pile up and
1585
01:15:52,615 --> 01:15:54,849
I started taking pills
to numb the pain.
1586
01:15:54,851 --> 01:15:56,183
And then...
1587
01:15:58,253 --> 01:16:00,988
I started sleeping
with Frank again.
1588
01:16:00,990 --> 01:16:02,723
But enough
of our sob stories.
1589
01:16:02,725 --> 01:16:04,659
The bottom line is,
we mutually decided
1590
01:16:04,661 --> 01:16:07,128
that we were better off as friends than spouses.
1591
01:16:07,130 --> 01:16:09,297
Yeah.
There's no need to belabor it.
1592
01:16:09,299 --> 01:16:11,966
Let's talk about something happier,
shall we? (CHUCKLES)
1593
01:16:11,968 --> 01:16:14,268
Karen, hearing this story makes me realize that
1594
01:16:15,571 --> 01:16:17,939
I want out.
1595
01:16:17,941 --> 01:16:20,908
Seriously, I don't ever want to see you again.
(CHUCKLES)
1596
01:16:20,910 --> 01:16:23,778
He's joking.
You're joking, right, Kyle?
1597
01:16:23,780 --> 01:16:26,213
Of course I'm joking!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
1598
01:16:26,215 --> 01:16:28,683
What?
1599
01:16:28,685 --> 01:16:30,318
You are the love
of my life.
1600
01:16:31,954 --> 01:16:33,821
That was such
a good joke.
1601
01:16:36,024 --> 01:16:38,059
(CHUCKLING)
1602
01:16:38,061 --> 01:16:40,294
Stop. I'm gonna leave you,
you knucklehead.
1603
01:16:43,865 --> 01:16:46,968
Well, what do you think?
1604
01:16:46,970 --> 01:16:48,703
Should we give
it another shot?
1605
01:16:52,608 --> 01:16:53,975
Why not?
1606
01:16:53,977 --> 01:16:55,242
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
1607
01:17:00,649 --> 01:17:02,683
I told you it was
gonna be a crazy day.
1608
01:17:03,619 --> 01:17:06,921
(ALL CHUCKLING)
1609
01:17:06,923 --> 01:17:08,823
Have you guys seen that new exhibit at the museum?
1610
01:17:08,825 --> 01:17:11,726
Oh, it's so special.
Oh, we missed it.
1611
01:17:11,728 --> 01:17:13,761
You can take the subway there.
One of the lines.
1612
01:17:13,763 --> 01:17:16,097
Only in New York, right?
(ALL LAUGHING)
1613
01:17:17,032 --> 01:17:19,033
(HAPPY MUSIC PLAYING)
1614
01:20:59,921 --> 01:21:01,488
(SOUL MUSIC PLAYING)