1
00:00:55,138 --> 00:00:57,140
[indistinct chattering]
2
00:00:57,307 --> 00:00:58,433
I canceled the last one.
3
00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:00,978
That's right.
Now move, move, move, move.
4
00:01:02,354 --> 00:01:03,981
It's my very special recipe.
5
00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:06,650
[Santa] We're not gonna make it
if we don't hurry.
6
00:01:06,817 --> 00:01:08,615
You realize how late we...
7
00:01:09,945 --> 00:01:11,697
I told you,
you're gonna break those toys.
8
00:01:11,863 --> 00:01:12,955
Just stop.
9
00:01:13,115 --> 00:01:15,834
Oh, wow! Wait!
Santa Claus, come quick. Look.
10
00:01:15,993 --> 00:01:17,290
Incoming!
11
00:01:17,452 --> 00:01:20,205
- [all shouting]
- Take cover!
12
00:01:27,296 --> 00:01:29,014
[machine guns firing]
13
00:01:29,172 --> 00:01:31,425
Let's get them!
14
00:01:34,261 --> 00:01:35,513
Come on over here!
15
00:01:36,054 --> 00:01:38,273
Hurry up! Hurry!
16
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:51,032
It's Lee Majors!
17
00:01:51,194 --> 00:01:53,868
- [all exclaiming]
- The Six Million Dollar Man.
18
00:01:54,031 --> 00:01:56,079
Santa, is there a back way
out of this place?
19
00:01:56,241 --> 00:01:57,242
Of course there is, Lee.
20
00:01:57,409 --> 00:02:00,037
But this is one Santa
that's going out the front door.
21
00:02:00,203 --> 00:02:02,171
Look, it don't matter a hill of beans
what happens to me.
22
00:02:02,331 --> 00:02:04,004
The world couldn't afford it
if anything happened to you.
23
00:02:04,166 --> 00:02:05,166
Now you stay put.
24
00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:07,173
That's very nice of you, Lee.
25
00:02:08,086 --> 00:02:11,886
And, Lee, you've been
a real good boy this year.
26
00:02:12,382 --> 00:02:14,931
- Yes, you sure have.
- [all] Yeah!
27
00:02:15,594 --> 00:02:18,973
[man on TV] 7:00.
Psychos seize Santa's workshop.
28
00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:20,231
Eat this.
29
00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:22,142
And only Lee Majors can stop them.
30
00:02:22,601 --> 00:02:25,229
The Night the Reindeer Died.
31
00:02:28,273 --> 00:02:29,320
[singing]
32
00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:31,952
[man] 8:30, and America's
best-loved singer
33
00:02:32,110 --> 00:02:35,159
invites you to share
a home-style holiday
34
00:02:36,782 --> 00:02:40,628
when it's Bob Goulet's
Old Fashioned Cajun Christmas.
35
00:02:40,786 --> 00:02:42,038
[crocodile hissing]
36
00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:50,299
9:00, IBC presents
America's favorite family
37
00:02:50,462 --> 00:02:52,556
in a special Christmas episode.
38
00:02:53,090 --> 00:02:55,969
Hi, Mom. Where's Dad?
He should have been home by now.
39
00:02:56,426 --> 00:02:59,600
Well, Wally, if I know your father,
he's out chasing Beaver.
40
00:02:59,763 --> 00:03:02,061
[man] Father Loves Beaver.
41
00:03:02,224 --> 00:03:05,728
Here on IBC. You'll love it.
42
00:03:29,626 --> 00:03:31,503
Show me the Scrooge promo.
43
00:03:35,632 --> 00:03:37,976
[music playing on TV]
44
00:03:43,807 --> 00:03:46,560
It was a cold, bleak Christmas...
45
00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:51,198
[man] 10:00, IBC presents live,
via satellite from New York,
46
00:03:51,356 --> 00:03:55,782
Bethlehem, Helsinki, West Berlin,
and the Great Barrier Reef,
47
00:03:55,944 --> 00:03:58,538
Charles Dickens'
immortal Christmas classic,
48
00:03:58,697 --> 00:03:59,914
Scrooge.
49
00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:01,290
Starring Buddy Hackett,
50
00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:02,451
Jamie Farr,
51
00:04:02,617 --> 00:04:03,914
the Solid Gold Dancers,
52
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:07,001
and Mary Lou Retton as Tiny Tim.
53
00:04:07,164 --> 00:04:08,962
Hosted by Sir John Houseman.
54
00:04:09,124 --> 00:04:10,125
Bah, humbug.
55
00:04:10,292 --> 00:04:12,420
[man] Scrooge.
It will touch your every heartstring.
56
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:15,009
That's right.
It all starts on Christmas Eve.
57
00:04:15,172 --> 00:04:17,470
Christmas Eve on IBC.
58
00:04:17,632 --> 00:04:19,134
You'll love it.
59
00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:25,065
Oh, my gosh,
60
00:04:25,891 --> 00:04:27,393
does that suck.
61
00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:41,035
You know who loves
Mary Lou Retton, Frank?
62
00:04:41,198 --> 00:04:42,450
My kids.
63
00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:45,912
- Yeah.
- Children love an acrobat.
64
00:04:50,248 --> 00:04:52,091
Oh, God.
65
00:04:52,584 --> 00:04:56,885
We have spent $40 million
on a live TV show.
66
00:04:57,047 --> 00:05:00,802
You guys have got an ad
with America's favorite old fart
67
00:05:01,259 --> 00:05:04,729
reading a book in front of a fireplace!
68
00:05:07,015 --> 00:05:10,394
Now I have to kill all of you.
69
00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:20,488
Mother, help me.
70
00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:21,871
Um, excuse me, sir.
71
00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:25,000
Uh, I don't wanna be
out of line here, but...
72
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:28,332
Well, we've been running that spot now
for over a month and,
73
00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:30,918
well, it's getting a hell of a response.
74
00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:35,336
I am the youngest president
75
00:05:35,794 --> 00:05:38,923
in the history of television,
for a reason.
76
00:05:39,714 --> 00:05:41,387
I know the people.
77
00:05:43,426 --> 00:05:45,303
Well, granted,
78
00:05:45,470 --> 00:05:47,973
but the people already wanna
watch the show.
79
00:05:50,642 --> 00:05:52,519
That isn't good enough!
80
00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:56,023
They have gotta be
so scared to miss it!
81
00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:57,657
So terrified!
82
00:05:58,483 --> 00:06:01,953
Now, if I were in charge,
83
00:06:02,237 --> 00:06:03,454
and I am...
84
00:06:03,613 --> 00:06:05,365
[laughing]
85
00:06:08,660 --> 00:06:10,378
Perhaps I can help you.
86
00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:13,757
Here's the kind of thing
I would have done. Grace, cue it up.
87
00:06:20,005 --> 00:06:22,224
[suspenseful music playing on TV]
88
00:06:26,136 --> 00:06:27,479
[man on TV] Acid rain.
89
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:30,891
[screaming]
90
00:06:31,808 --> 00:06:33,560
Drug addiction.
91
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:34,899
[man groaning]
92
00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:37,530
International terrorism.
93
00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:40,909
Freeway killers.
94
00:06:41,526 --> 00:06:43,119
Now, more than ever,
95
00:06:43,278 --> 00:06:46,202
it is important to remember
the true meaning of Christmas.
96
00:06:46,364 --> 00:06:50,335
Don't miss Charles Dickens'
immortal classic, Scrooge.
97
00:06:51,620 --> 00:06:55,170
Your life might just depend on it.
98
00:07:01,713 --> 00:07:02,885
Not bad, eh?
99
00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:08,053
[Frank] I think they'll like it
in the heartlands.
100
00:07:09,679 --> 00:07:13,024
I want it every hour, on the hour.
101
00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:14,776
I'll take care of it, Frank.
102
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:18,189
Get me Standards and Practices
in here. I want to see Reece.
103
00:07:18,647 --> 00:07:20,194
Excuse me, sir.
104
00:07:20,398 --> 00:07:21,615
Yes?
105
00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:23,743
Mr. Cross,
106
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:27,869
what exactly does that ad
have to do with Scrooge?
107
00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:29,749
Nothing. Why?
108
00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:32,790
Well, you can't show that commercial.
109
00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:35,251
If you run that, you're gonna...
110
00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:36,881
You're gonna frighten people.
111
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,383
You think I'm way off base here?
112
00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:41,420
Yes. Well, you're a tad off base, sir.
113
00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:45,807
Um, that thing looked like
The Manson Family Christmas Special.
114
00:07:46,549 --> 00:07:48,768
Well, it's a little late
to get this kind of feedback.
115
00:07:50,220 --> 00:07:53,690
That's because, um, this is the first
time I've ever seen it, sir.
116
00:07:53,848 --> 00:07:56,021
You're right. I sprung it on you.
117
00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:57,936
Well, it's...
it's not that bad, it's...
118
00:07:58,103 --> 00:07:59,400
Just lose, like,
119
00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:01,781
you know,
the part with the gun and the blood...
120
00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:04,568
- All right, all right.
- ...and the guy shooting up, and the...
121
00:08:04,734 --> 00:08:07,112
If I can change it,
I'll let you know in five minutes.
122
00:08:07,278 --> 00:08:08,825
Well, thank you, sir.
123
00:08:09,572 --> 00:08:10,698
Thank you.
124
00:08:10,865 --> 00:08:14,244
You know, in a lot of ways,
I think we're a little bit alike.
125
00:08:15,370 --> 00:08:17,748
Sir, merry Christmas.
126
00:08:18,373 --> 00:08:20,842
- Thanks for the talk.
- Thank you.
127
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:23,470
We don't wanna
scare the dickens out of people.
128
00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:25,096
Merry Christmas, Miss Cooley.
129
00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:27,508
The dickens out of people!
130
00:08:27,757 --> 00:08:29,179
Nobody gets me.
131
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,558
Grace, who is that guy?
132
00:08:32,721 --> 00:08:34,940
- Eliot Loudermilk.
- OK.
133
00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:37,183
Call Security.
Have them change his locks,
134
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:39,068
clean out his desk
and toss him out of the building.
135
00:08:39,227 --> 00:08:40,479
Oh. He's fired?
136
00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:43,614
But it's Christmas!
137
00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:44,945
Thank you.
138
00:08:45,942 --> 00:08:47,944
Call Accounting. Stop his bonus.
139
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:52,453
- Ooh, a clear shot at his back.
- Eliot Loudermilk.
140
00:08:53,283 --> 00:08:54,375
Code 9.
141
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:56,541
Grace, what in the hell is this?
142
00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:59,706
Well, that's a painting
one of my kids did.
143
00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:02,467
There's Santa Claus,
and there's Mrs. Claus.
144
00:09:02,625 --> 00:09:05,174
Honey, how many fingers
does Mrs. Santa Claus have here?
145
00:09:05,336 --> 00:09:07,634
- Eleven.
- Eleven. Right.
146
00:09:07,797 --> 00:09:10,300
It's crap. Lose it.
I don't want it on the walls.
147
00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:11,844
[Eliot] She'll understand.
148
00:09:12,010 --> 00:09:14,479
She's an amazingly
understanding woman.
149
00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:15,980
I'll just come home and I'll say,
150
00:09:16,139 --> 00:09:19,439
"Hi, honey. Um, we have to move
to a studio apartment.
151
00:09:19,601 --> 00:09:20,648
I hope you don't mind."
152
00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:25,190
Mr. Cross,
it's time for your Christmas list.
153
00:09:25,356 --> 00:09:27,950
OK, read me the list.
I wanna get this over with.
154
00:09:28,109 --> 00:09:29,656
Sammy Goldberg.
155
00:09:30,153 --> 00:09:31,405
Bath towel.
156
00:09:31,613 --> 00:09:32,705
Lou Parker.
157
00:09:32,864 --> 00:09:35,083
Send him a VHS home video recorder.
158
00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:36,959
Colonel Tom Parker.
159
00:09:38,161 --> 00:09:39,504
The bath towel.
160
00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:41,836
- Tamara Forristal.
- VHS.
161
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:45,223
[Eliot] You know,
there's a lot of virtues
162
00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:46,837
in taking a bus to work,
you know.
163
00:09:47,337 --> 00:09:50,011
Hi, fellas.
Thanks a lot and merry Christmas.
164
00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:51,800
- Bobby Lou Caluda.
- The bath towel.
165
00:09:51,966 --> 00:09:52,967
[shushing]
166
00:09:53,510 --> 00:09:56,434
Eliot Loudermilk's leaving early today.
167
00:09:57,222 --> 00:09:58,769
Move. Get out of here.
168
00:09:58,932 --> 00:09:59,979
Done!
169
00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:02,485
Four minutes and 40 seconds.
170
00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:04,396
Glenn Glenn Whitacre?
171
00:10:05,188 --> 00:10:06,906
What was the last rating on Police Zoo?
172
00:10:07,065 --> 00:10:09,739
5.2 Nielsen, 7 in share and a TVQ of 3.
173
00:10:09,901 --> 00:10:10,652
Towel!
174
00:10:10,819 --> 00:10:12,162
Your brother?
175
00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:16,833
- Towel.
- Your only brother.
176
00:10:16,991 --> 00:10:17,833
[intercom buzzing]
177
00:10:17,992 --> 00:10:19,494
Oh, God, Grace. Give it to me.
178
00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:22,372
Get that.
179
00:10:22,539 --> 00:10:23,882
Towel, towel.
180
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:25,917
- Mr. Cross' office.
- Towel. VHS.
181
00:10:26,084 --> 00:10:28,507
- Ah, thank you.
- Most of these are towels.
182
00:10:28,670 --> 00:10:29,887
Be wrong once, OK?
183
00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:32,174
Mr. Rhinelander's on his way down.
184
00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:39,264
Booze.
185
00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:41,398
[burps] Pardon me.
186
00:10:42,225 --> 00:10:43,647
[burps] Excuse me.
187
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,147
Grace.
188
00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:50,741
Put yourself down for a towel, too.
189
00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:52,152
What about my bonus?
190
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:55,705
- Towel and a face cloth.
- Ah, shit!
191
00:10:56,072 --> 00:10:57,699
- Frank.
- Hey, Pres.
192
00:10:57,866 --> 00:10:59,834
- What a surprise.
- Grace.
193
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,666
[Frank] You look great.
You've been working out.
194
00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:03,330
Why didn't you tell me, Grace?
195
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:06,215
Preston, just looking at some
of this ink we're getting on Scrooge.
196
00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:08,001
Mary Lou Retton as Tiny Tim.
197
00:11:08,751 --> 00:11:10,253
Can you believe
the first director didn't want her?
198
00:11:10,420 --> 00:11:11,421
- No.
- Well, he does now.
199
00:11:11,588 --> 00:11:12,760
He go bye-bye.
200
00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:14,970
Hey, did you catch her buy
on Tiny Tim?
201
00:11:15,133 --> 00:11:17,261
She doesn't just throw away
the crutches and walk.
202
00:11:17,427 --> 00:11:18,929
She throws away the crutches,
203
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:22,190
vaults over a lamppost,
double somersault,
204
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:24,609
back into one of these things.
205
00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:26,064
- Frank.
- Killer.
206
00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:27,228
Yes, Preston?
207
00:11:27,395 --> 00:11:30,820
Have you any idea how many cats
there are in this country?
208
00:11:34,277 --> 00:11:35,369
No.
209
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:37,406
I don't have those... No.
210
00:11:37,572 --> 00:11:38,572
Twenty-seven million.
211
00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:40,215
- [whistles]
- Do you know how many dogs?
212
00:11:41,492 --> 00:11:43,290
- In America?
- Forty-eight million.
213
00:11:43,453 --> 00:11:47,048
- Wow.
- We spend $4 billion on pet food alone.
214
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:48,584
Four'?
215
00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:51,628
Now, I have here a study
from Hampstead University
216
00:11:51,794 --> 00:11:55,674
which shows us that cats and dogs
are beginning to watch television.
217
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,889
Now, if these scientists are right,
218
00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:00,933
we should start programming right now.
219
00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:04,224
Within 20 years,
they could become steady viewers.
220
00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:06,734
Programming for cats?
221
00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:10,571
Walk with me, Frank.
222
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,031
[whispering] Call the police.
223
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:21,950
Now, I'm not saying,
build a whole show around animals.
224
00:12:22,116 --> 00:12:24,244
- Oh, no.
- All I'm suggesting
225
00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:27,505
is that we occasionally throw in
a little pet appeal.
226
00:12:27,872 --> 00:12:29,374
Some birds, a squirrel.
227
00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:31,338
- Mice.
- Mice. Exactly.
228
00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:33,966
Remember Kojak and the lollipops?
229
00:12:34,337 --> 00:12:37,841
What about a cop that dangles string?
That's his gimmick.
230
00:12:38,132 --> 00:12:40,385
Lots of quick, random action.
231
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:44,105
Frank, wasn't there
a dormouse in Scrooge?
232
00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:47,859
No. But now that you say it,
I always felt that it needed a dormouse.
233
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:50,019
- Dormice. Better.
- Bingo.
234
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:54,274
Frank, this show is the jewel
in the IBC crown.
235
00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:56,154
Everything is riding on it.
236
00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:59,662
Don't worry, Preston. I'm overseeing
every aspect of production.
237
00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:00,993
We'll own Christmas.
238
00:13:01,155 --> 00:13:03,283
That's what I wanted to hear.
239
00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:07,538
- Lunch tomorrow? Chez Jay'?
- Right.
240
00:13:07,704 --> 00:13:08,876
- Up, Sid.
- Yes, sir.
241
00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:11,291
- Study this.
- Thank you.
242
00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:12,921
Oh, God.
243
00:13:13,334 --> 00:13:16,338
If only I could fire
that poor son of a bitch.
244
00:13:17,380 --> 00:13:19,974
Hey, Frank!
Ah, hold that door, will you, pops?
245
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:21,680
Wait for me a minute, will you?
You don't mind?
246
00:13:21,843 --> 00:13:24,221
Hey, it's Brice Cummings.
We met at Spago.
247
00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:25,513
Have you seen Preston?
248
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,728
Uh, Preston just went back upstairs.
249
00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:30,860
I just dropped by to say hello.
I went to school with the big guy's son.
250
00:13:31,019 --> 00:13:32,942
You give me a call
when you hit the Coast, OK?
251
00:13:33,104 --> 00:13:36,074
Let's go. You know, so, anyway.
So, Close“ said...
252
00:13:46,534 --> 00:13:48,957
[Frank] Come here. Slam this door. Hard.
253
00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:53,546
Grace, I need a full report
on a guy named Brice Cummings.
254
00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:55,384
He's an LA slimeball.
255
00:13:55,543 --> 00:13:57,921
OK. Urn, you're due
at Helmsley Palace at 7:00.
256
00:13:58,087 --> 00:14:00,556
- And I'm gonna leave. I'm gonna take...
- No, you're not.
257
00:14:00,715 --> 00:14:02,262
You're staying here with me.
We're working late.
258
00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:03,927
I have to take my son to the doctor.
259
00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:06,596
Grace, when I work late, you work late.
260
00:14:06,763 --> 00:14:08,561
But I made the appointment
two months ago.
261
00:14:08,723 --> 00:14:10,270
I care!
262
00:14:10,433 --> 00:14:13,528
We're indivisible. If I'm
working late, you gotta work late!
263
00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:16,155
If you can't work late,
I can't work late!
264
00:14:16,314 --> 00:14:20,239
If I can't work late, I can't work late!
265
00:14:24,822 --> 00:14:26,950
Oh, your brother's waiting inside.
266
00:14:27,742 --> 00:14:31,212
Oh, and I didn't tell him
about his great Christmas towel.
267
00:14:37,627 --> 00:14:38,844
Francis.
268
00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:42,299
A little bit rough on her out there,
weren't you?
269
00:14:42,799 --> 00:14:45,473
You know what they say about
treating people badly on the way up?
270
00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:46,852
Yep.
271
00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:49,434
You get to treat them badly
on the way down, too.
272
00:14:49,597 --> 00:14:52,771
It's great.
You get two chances to rough them up.
273
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:56,730
[music playing]
274
00:14:58,147 --> 00:14:59,615
- [man] Yeah.
- [woman] Yeah.
275
00:15:03,152 --> 00:15:04,995
Why don't the cops
do something about this?
276
00:15:05,154 --> 00:15:06,280
Excuse me, please.
277
00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:09,621
Great. Rip off the hicks, why don't you?
Did you learn this song yesterday'?
278
00:15:09,784 --> 00:15:10,831
Sweet.
279
00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:13,166
Frank, you don't like Christmas much,
do you?
280
00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:15,081
Like it? I love it.
281
00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:17,501
It's cold. The people stay home
and watch television.
282
00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:19,214
Ad revenues go up 30%.
283
00:15:19,377 --> 00:15:22,051
All these idiots are gonna be home
watching the boob tube for me tonight.
284
00:15:22,213 --> 00:15:24,307
I am the biggest fan
that Christmas ever had.
285
00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:27,469
So, uh, any chance of you maybe
making Christmas dinner this year?
286
00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:28,636
None.
287
00:15:28,803 --> 00:15:30,680
- Come on. Why not?
- Don't start, James.
288
00:15:30,847 --> 00:15:33,396
Come on, the whole family will be there.
It'll be fun.
289
00:15:33,558 --> 00:15:36,152
Look, you can have your concerned
and wonderful dinner
290
00:15:36,310 --> 00:15:37,482
with all your cool friends
291
00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:40,398
and the real popcorn and the tree
and cranberries and everything,
292
00:15:40,565 --> 00:15:43,114
send Christmas cards to each other
on recycled paper.
293
00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:44,653
It's a crock, James.
294
00:15:44,819 --> 00:15:46,196
It's for kids.
295
00:15:46,863 --> 00:15:48,490
You know, I like seeing you.
296
00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:50,533
I like being with you.
297
00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:54,211
I want you to have a happy New Year.
298
00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:55,542
[Woman] Taxi!
299
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:57,131
Merry Christmas.
300
00:15:57,290 --> 00:15:58,667
Taxi!
301
00:16:00,209 --> 00:16:03,258
Excuse me, ma'am.
I think you dropped something there.
302
00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:05,803
Hey, that's my cab.
303
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:08,093
Oh, sir, please. I...
304
00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:09,602
Leona Helmsley's
and step on it, will you?
305
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:11,480
You son of a bitch,
you should burn in hell!
306
00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:13,731
Bye-bye, grandma. Bye-bye.
307
00:16:16,184 --> 00:16:19,484
[Frank] I got into broadcasting
because I like to give.
308
00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:24,193
Sometimes I found myself hurting
from giving too much,
309
00:16:25,276 --> 00:16:26,903
and I'd say, "Stop it."
310
00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:31,499
I'm always gonna cherish this.
311
00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:34,243
And all of you.
312
00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:38,931
I should...
I should have went in there.
313
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:41,968
I should... I should have said,
"Frank Cross, you gotta..."
314
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:57,893
You stinking... You big dog, you...
315
00:16:58,059 --> 00:16:59,060
[bottle crashing]
316
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:08,236
- [driver] $4.85.
- Here's $5.
317
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:30,132
- Mr. Cross.
- Mr. Cross.
318
00:17:34,637 --> 00:17:36,765
[Grace] Wasn't he a medical genius?
319
00:17:37,098 --> 00:17:40,978
Calvin, I think "doctor"
is a Latin word for "thief."
320
00:17:41,352 --> 00:17:45,778
$200 I don't have
to tell me that you don't speak.
321
00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:48,610
I'm your mother.
I know you don't speak...
322
00:17:48,818 --> 00:17:49,819
...yet.
323
00:17:50,528 --> 00:17:51,529
[police siren wailing]
324
00:17:51,696 --> 00:17:53,323
We'll show them, honey.
325
00:17:54,198 --> 00:17:56,667
You're gonna surprise a lot of people.
326
00:17:56,826 --> 00:17:57,998
Yes, you are.
327
00:17:59,328 --> 00:18:00,580
You start talking,
328
00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:02,919
then go to law school
and sue his butt off.
329
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:04,174
OK.
330
00:18:08,379 --> 00:18:10,006
[knock on door]
331
00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:12,265
Come!
332
00:18:13,217 --> 00:18:14,844
[knock on door]
333
00:18:15,886 --> 00:18:17,308
Who's there?
334
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:43,297
[rumbling]
335
00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:46,505
This office is closed!
336
00:18:46,667 --> 00:18:47,668
[growling]
337
00:18:47,835 --> 00:18:49,435
- [pounding]
- This whole wing is closed!
338
00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:52,799
Grace!
339
00:18:53,257 --> 00:18:56,431
[pounding]
340
00:19:10,775 --> 00:19:11,867
[whooping]
341
00:19:12,026 --> 00:19:13,778
That was a good one.
342
00:19:15,404 --> 00:19:17,532
How are you, kid? You're...
343
00:19:18,074 --> 00:19:21,999
Uh, will you excuse me?
I'll make myself a little drink.
344
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:28,884
[yelling]
345
00:19:33,089 --> 00:19:36,764
I don't mind you hitting me, Frank,
but take it easy on the Bacardi.
346
00:19:38,386 --> 00:19:39,478
[squeaking]
347
00:19:43,432 --> 00:19:44,649
Oh.
348
00:19:47,937 --> 00:19:49,234
God.
349
00:19:50,272 --> 00:19:52,070
To old times, my friend.
350
00:20:02,243 --> 00:20:04,871
Oh, my God. It's...
351
00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:08,883
Lew Hayward.
Your old boss and your best friend.
352
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,509
But you're...
353
00:20:15,089 --> 00:20:16,682
...dead.
- Seven years.
354
00:20:16,841 --> 00:20:18,013
[exclaiming]
355
00:20:18,175 --> 00:20:20,018
Has it been that long? Jeez, I...
356
00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:23,932
I mean, to look at you, I wouldn't
have guessed more than three, tops.
357
00:20:24,098 --> 00:20:25,600
Oh, Frank.
358
00:20:25,766 --> 00:20:27,894
Frank, you are in trouble.
359
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:30,028
- Big trouble.
- All right.
360
00:20:30,187 --> 00:20:32,189
Let's just say, for argument's sake,
361
00:20:32,356 --> 00:20:34,108
that you're right,
that I am in big trouble.
362
00:20:34,275 --> 00:20:35,527
What exactly would that mean?
363
00:20:35,693 --> 00:20:38,412
Look at me. Look at your future.
364
00:20:38,571 --> 00:20:40,744
Now, if you don't change your ways,
365
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:44,331
you're gonna wind up doomed,
just as I am.
366
00:20:44,952 --> 00:20:46,670
[Lew coughing]
367
00:20:46,829 --> 00:20:50,083
One minute I'm on the 14th hole
at Winged Foot,
368
00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:51,671
lining up a putt.
369
00:20:52,168 --> 00:20:55,513
A heart attack later, I'm a worm feast.
370
00:20:55,671 --> 00:20:57,469
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
371
00:20:57,631 --> 00:20:59,008
You're not a worm feast.
372
00:20:59,175 --> 00:21:02,645
You're a hallucination
brought on by alcohol!
373
00:21:02,803 --> 00:21:05,306
Russian vodka poisoned by Chernobyl!
374
00:21:06,015 --> 00:21:07,688
I've been under
a lot of pressure lately.
375
00:21:07,850 --> 00:21:09,773
- I've been putting on a big...
- Silence!
376
00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:11,269
Ouch.
377
00:21:12,062 --> 00:21:13,814
- I had it all.
- Oh.
378
00:21:13,981 --> 00:21:15,858
I was a captain of industry,
379
00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:19,991
feared by men, adored by women.
380
00:21:20,154 --> 00:21:24,580
Adored! Let's be honest, Lew.
You paid for the women.
381
00:21:24,742 --> 00:21:28,667
I'm warning you, Frank.
Don't waste your life as I did mine.
382
00:21:28,829 --> 00:21:31,878
Waste? How can you say that.
You're a legend in this business.
383
00:21:32,041 --> 00:21:33,761
You are the man
who invented the miniseries.
384
00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:36,508
Mankind should have been my business.
385
00:21:36,712 --> 00:21:40,342
Charity, mercy, kindness,
that should have been my business.
386
00:21:40,508 --> 00:21:42,636
Don't wait. Get yourself involved.
387
00:21:42,802 --> 00:21:44,642
Now it's too late for me,
but it's not for you.
388
00:21:44,762 --> 00:21:46,105
You can be saved.
389
00:21:46,263 --> 00:21:50,518
You are going to be visited
by three ghosts.
390
00:21:50,684 --> 00:21:53,483
- Ooh, three ghosts.
- Three ghosts, Frank.
391
00:21:53,646 --> 00:21:56,741
Expect the first one tomorrow at noon.
392
00:21:57,441 --> 00:21:59,443
God, tomorrow's bad for me, Lew.
393
00:21:59,610 --> 00:22:02,329
As a matter of fact, the whole rest
of the week is a washout. Ouch.
394
00:22:02,488 --> 00:22:04,582
Well, maybe we could have drinks,
say, Thursday.
395
00:22:04,740 --> 00:22:06,500
You, me, the ghost.
Trader Vic's around 4:00?
396
00:22:06,575 --> 00:22:09,624
This is no joke, Frank.
This is your last chance!
397
00:22:09,787 --> 00:22:12,757
All right.
I could squeeze you in for a breakfast.
398
00:22:13,082 --> 00:22:14,709
[yelling]
399
00:22:15,584 --> 00:22:17,382
[choking]
400
00:22:17,545 --> 00:22:19,422
Oh, no, please.
They'll think I'm a suicide.
401
00:22:19,588 --> 00:22:21,340
[groans] No.
402
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:24,427
- [laughing]
- Oh, God.
403
00:22:24,593 --> 00:22:27,187
Oh, we're way up here.
Give me a break.
404
00:22:27,346 --> 00:22:28,347
[screaming]
405
00:22:28,514 --> 00:22:30,232
- You can be saved.
- Don't let go!
406
00:22:30,391 --> 00:22:32,631
- Don't let me go, Lew! God bless you!
- You've got time!
407
00:22:33,143 --> 00:22:35,441
No, no. No, please!
408
00:22:37,356 --> 00:22:39,029
[laughing]
409
00:22:40,401 --> 00:22:41,994
[screaming]
410
00:22:42,152 --> 00:22:44,200
- Merry Christmas.
- Don't let me go, Lew!
411
00:22:44,363 --> 00:22:47,162
[screaming]
412
00:22:47,324 --> 00:22:49,918
[laughing]
413
00:22:58,419 --> 00:23:00,717
[phone dialing]
414
00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:10,143
[on answering machine] Hi, this is
Claire Phillips. I'm not here, as usual.
415
00:23:10,306 --> 00:23:12,183
Leave a message for me
and I'll call you right back.
416
00:23:12,349 --> 00:23:14,067
Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas.
417
00:23:14,226 --> 00:23:16,069
Uh, speak at the beep.
418
00:23:17,229 --> 00:23:18,651
Claire!
419
00:23:20,065 --> 00:23:22,193
This is Frank Cross.
420
00:23:23,193 --> 00:23:24,820
I know it's been...
421
00:23:26,614 --> 00:23:28,366
...15 years since we talked but...
422
00:23:29,199 --> 00:23:31,827
...but I really need
to talk to you right now.
423
00:23:31,994 --> 00:23:34,338
I... Something terrible has happened.
424
00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:39,839
Or maybe not. I don't know. But I...
425
00:23:40,002 --> 00:23:42,846
Whatever, I have to talk to you,
no matter what. It's urgent.
426
00:23:43,005 --> 00:23:44,507
Call me at any hour.
427
00:23:44,673 --> 00:23:47,301
My number is 674-9565.
428
00:23:47,676 --> 00:23:51,271
- [phone beeps]
- 674-95... Damn!
429
00:24:19,833 --> 00:24:21,553
- [music playing on stereo]
- [Shasta] Well?
430
00:24:21,877 --> 00:24:24,426
- Well, what?
- Did you get the bonus?
431
00:24:26,507 --> 00:24:28,509
I'm drying my head with it.
432
00:24:28,676 --> 00:24:31,179
[children laughing]
433
00:24:31,929 --> 00:24:33,727
Hey, we'll be all right. Don't worry.
434
00:24:33,889 --> 00:24:37,063
- What are you doing in there?
- Trimming the tree.
435
00:24:37,226 --> 00:24:39,729
- We don't have a tree, Mom.
- We do now.
436
00:24:41,063 --> 00:24:42,781
- No!
- Yes.
437
00:24:42,940 --> 00:24:44,817
Don't plug him in!
438
00:24:44,984 --> 00:24:45,985
Plug him in.
439
00:24:48,112 --> 00:24:50,080
- [Steven] Look at the little angel.
- Take it off. Take it off.
440
00:24:50,239 --> 00:24:51,239
Take it off of him.
441
00:24:51,365 --> 00:24:53,834
Oh, but, Morn, he looks so pretty.
442
00:24:53,993 --> 00:24:55,961
He look even cuter than last year.
443
00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:57,246
Look at Granny, darling.
444
00:24:57,413 --> 00:24:59,256
Mom, when are we going
to get a real tree?
445
00:24:59,581 --> 00:25:00,673
When they're free.
446
00:25:03,168 --> 00:25:05,136
Have you seen
this morning's paper, Frank?
447
00:25:05,295 --> 00:25:08,970
- Who's that? She's pretty. [cackling]
- She's dead, Frank.
448
00:25:09,133 --> 00:25:11,352
Apparently,
this 80-year-old grandmother
449
00:25:11,510 --> 00:25:14,354
was watching your Scrooge promo
last night and she just...
450
00:25:14,513 --> 00:25:16,390
She just keeled over.
451
00:25:16,724 --> 00:25:18,601
It scared her to death.
452
00:25:23,397 --> 00:25:25,024
This is terrific!
453
00:25:25,733 --> 00:25:27,610
I knew that ad worked!
454
00:25:28,485 --> 00:25:30,954
You can't buy publicity like this!
455
00:25:31,655 --> 00:25:33,248
[grunts]
456
00:25:33,407 --> 00:25:34,659
Excuse me.
457
00:25:37,786 --> 00:25:40,005
[Grace] Mr. Cross,
you're needed on the set.
458
00:25:42,166 --> 00:25:44,385
I want that promo run every half hour.
459
00:25:44,543 --> 00:25:45,920
I want a disclaimer at the top.
460
00:25:46,086 --> 00:25:48,259
"Anyone with a heart condition
must leave the room."
461
00:25:48,422 --> 00:25:49,423
Will do, Frank.
462
00:25:49,590 --> 00:25:50,887
Right. Where were we?
463
00:25:51,133 --> 00:25:53,056
Buzz, I was being haunted.
464
00:25:53,218 --> 00:25:54,219
- OK.
- [laughing]
465
00:25:54,386 --> 00:25:56,229
No, it's gotta be real gold.
466
00:25:56,388 --> 00:25:57,230
[crew chattering]
467
00:25:57,389 --> 00:25:58,390
I don't understand...
468
00:25:58,557 --> 00:25:59,979
[Frank] You can't do this
at the eleventh hour.
469
00:26:00,142 --> 00:26:01,502
...why I can't
possibly get anybody
470
00:26:01,643 --> 00:26:02,986
- to do what I want them to do.
- Oh, jeez.
471
00:26:03,145 --> 00:26:04,567
- Give me a break.
- I'm sorry, Mr. Cross.
472
00:26:04,730 --> 00:26:07,483
I am the censor, and I will not
allow this costume on the air.
473
00:26:07,649 --> 00:26:08,650
Why not?
474
00:26:08,817 --> 00:26:12,287
Well, specifically,
you can see her nipples.
475
00:26:12,571 --> 00:26:14,118
I want to see her nipples!
476
00:26:14,281 --> 00:26:16,500
But this is a Christmas show!
477
00:26:16,658 --> 00:26:19,787
Well, Charles Dickens would have
wanted to see her nipples then.
478
00:26:19,953 --> 00:26:20,579
Ah.
479
00:26:20,746 --> 00:26:22,965
You can hard...
You can hardly see them nipples.
480
00:26:23,123 --> 00:26:25,592
See? And these guys are really looking.
481
00:26:25,793 --> 00:26:27,545
You can go shake a tail feather.
Thanks.
482
00:26:27,711 --> 00:26:29,759
And thank you. You can just go.
483
00:26:30,422 --> 00:26:31,844
- Watch out.
- [grunts]
484
00:26:33,675 --> 00:26:35,268
Thanks, boys. Get the nurse.
485
00:26:36,011 --> 00:26:37,888
Get the nurse. Get the nurse!
486
00:26:38,472 --> 00:26:40,349
Make sure her nipples are covered up,
will you?
487
00:26:40,516 --> 00:26:41,517
[Claire] Lumpy!
488
00:26:43,268 --> 00:26:44,269
Lumpy!
489
00:26:57,825 --> 00:26:58,826
Hi.
490
00:27:02,037 --> 00:27:03,960
I'm sorry to just...
491
00:27:04,123 --> 00:27:06,546
Well, I didn't get your message
until this morning.
492
00:27:06,708 --> 00:27:08,802
And I-.. I tried to call
but they said that you weren't..-...
493
00:27:08,961 --> 00:27:09,962
...you weren't in yet.
494
00:27:10,129 --> 00:27:14,100
And then I tried to call back and they
said that you were busy, so I just...
495
00:27:15,342 --> 00:27:17,015
God, you look different.
496
00:27:17,719 --> 00:27:19,266
Well, it's been a while.
497
00:27:20,389 --> 00:27:21,936
It's your hair.
498
00:27:22,307 --> 00:27:25,652
I've never seen it so short.
It makes you look sort of
499
00:27:25,811 --> 00:27:26,812
grown-up.
500
00:27:28,730 --> 00:27:30,027
Yo, Frank. Frank!
501
00:27:30,190 --> 00:27:32,534
I mean, Mr. Cross. Check this out, man.
502
00:27:32,693 --> 00:27:35,617
Girls are tough. It's on the money.
Check it. Come on.
503
00:27:35,779 --> 00:27:37,076
- Here we go, ladies.
- [clears throat]
504
00:27:37,239 --> 00:27:38,616
Would you excuse me
for a moment, please?
505
00:27:38,782 --> 00:27:40,705
[man] Five, six, seven, hit it!
506
00:27:40,868 --> 00:27:43,291
[music playing on stereo]
507
00:27:44,413 --> 00:27:45,505
- [groans]
- Can I turn her head?
508
00:27:45,664 --> 00:27:46,506
No.
509
00:27:46,665 --> 00:27:48,383
All right. That works. See?
510
00:27:48,542 --> 00:27:51,011
And boom! And boom!
511
00:27:51,170 --> 00:27:53,013
Little booty here for you.
512
00:27:54,173 --> 00:27:55,925
See? Show me a nipple.
513
00:27:56,091 --> 00:27:57,388
See, you just had to see it in context.
514
00:27:57,551 --> 00:27:59,553
- [groans]
- Can you move her, please? Thanks.
515
00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:01,188
Alley-oop.
516
00:28:02,181 --> 00:28:03,398
Is she gonna be all right?
517
00:28:03,557 --> 00:28:04,637
Oh, yeah. She's a real pro.
518
00:28:04,766 --> 00:28:07,110
- [woman groaning]
- She's very professional.
519
00:28:07,853 --> 00:28:10,173
What about you? You...
You sounded like you'd seen a ghost.
520
00:28:11,773 --> 00:28:13,025
A ghost?
521
00:28:13,942 --> 00:28:16,115
You mean the phone call last night?
522
00:28:17,571 --> 00:28:20,666
I came across your number
and I just had to call you immediately.
523
00:28:20,824 --> 00:28:25,000
I know you, Lumpy. I know that voice.
That was the frightened Lumpy I heard.
524
00:28:25,162 --> 00:28:26,414
Excuse me, Lumpy.
525
00:28:26,580 --> 00:28:29,333
Around these parts,
most people call me Mr. Cross.
526
00:28:29,499 --> 00:28:31,593
I'm sorry.
I'm new here and I got a problem.
527
00:28:31,752 --> 00:28:33,095
I'll bet. What?
528
00:28:33,253 --> 00:28:35,176
Well, my problem is this little fella.
529
00:28:35,339 --> 00:28:36,339
Oh.
530
00:28:36,423 --> 00:28:39,302
I can't get the antlers glued
onto this little guy.
531
00:28:39,468 --> 00:28:41,186
We've tried Krazy Glue,
but it don't work.
532
00:28:41,345 --> 00:28:43,473
- Have you tried staples?
- Staples?
533
00:28:43,639 --> 00:28:44,856
Don't you dare.
534
00:28:45,015 --> 00:28:47,609
If you staple that little mouse,
I'll call the Humane Society.
535
00:28:47,768 --> 00:28:48,769
I'm not kidding.
536
00:28:48,936 --> 00:28:50,734
I wouldn't do anything in the world
to hurt this little fella.
537
00:28:50,896 --> 00:28:53,570
Hey, Marlin Perkins. The road.
538
00:28:53,732 --> 00:28:54,779
I have three dogs and a cat at home.
539
00:28:54,942 --> 00:28:57,695
Oh, beautiful story.
Tell Reader's Digest, will you?
540
00:28:59,154 --> 00:29:00,406
Staples?
541
00:29:02,115 --> 00:29:03,788
Same old Claire.
542
00:29:04,326 --> 00:29:06,044
Still trying to save the world.
543
00:29:07,162 --> 00:29:08,960
You still trying to run it?
544
00:29:10,707 --> 00:29:12,334
[man] Hip-hop, hip-hop. Let's go.
545
00:29:12,501 --> 00:29:15,004
- Get out of here!
- [woman] Oh, OK.
546
00:29:15,170 --> 00:29:18,094
- You called me.
- Who are you anyway?
547
00:29:18,924 --> 00:29:20,301
You little worm.
548
00:29:20,968 --> 00:29:23,517
Who are you? How'd you get in here?
549
00:29:23,679 --> 00:29:26,683
Well, maybe you'll answer some
questions downtown, huh, my friend?
550
00:29:26,848 --> 00:29:28,771
What the hell is going on?
551
00:29:29,851 --> 00:29:32,821
- This is my little boy.
- All right, you beat him.
552
00:29:33,438 --> 00:29:35,440
- Does he work here?
- No, he does not.
553
00:29:35,607 --> 00:29:38,861
I thought it would be fun for him
to see a live television show.
554
00:29:39,027 --> 00:29:41,029
You see anybody having fun here?
555
00:29:43,198 --> 00:29:44,950
Why are you so angry?
556
00:29:45,117 --> 00:29:47,415
Why haven't you ever learned
how to button a coat?
557
00:29:47,577 --> 00:29:48,794
Well...
558
00:29:48,996 --> 00:29:51,499
You know me. I just... I was in a hurry.
559
00:29:52,749 --> 00:29:53,591
[man 1] Heads up.
560
00:29:53,750 --> 00:29:55,377
[man 2] Heads up.
Ladder coming through.
561
00:29:59,506 --> 00:30:01,975
I'm sorry
to have called so late last night.
562
00:30:02,134 --> 00:30:04,102
I must have woken up
your husband and your kids.
563
00:30:04,261 --> 00:30:08,186
No, no. I've never gotten married.
I'm still on my own.
564
00:30:08,348 --> 00:30:09,349
You'?
565
00:30:10,642 --> 00:30:11,734
Uh, no.
566
00:30:11,893 --> 00:30:13,395
- No?
- No.
567
00:30:13,562 --> 00:30:15,030
[hammering]
568
00:30:15,188 --> 00:30:17,941
Would you hold
the goddamn hammering, please?
569
00:30:18,108 --> 00:30:20,281
- [man 3] Yes, sir.
- I better go. You're busy.
570
00:30:20,444 --> 00:30:22,242
- [hammering]
- No! No, don't go.
571
00:30:22,404 --> 00:30:26,375
Would you hold
the goddamn hammering,
572
00:30:26,533 --> 00:30:27,955
- please?
- Frank.
573
00:30:28,118 --> 00:30:30,371
Frank, what did happen last night?
574
00:30:32,581 --> 00:30:34,021
Claire, it was something that I ate.
575
00:30:34,166 --> 00:30:37,010
It was probably a bad clam
or something. We don't know yet.
576
00:30:39,546 --> 00:30:42,299
Well, if it happens again...
577
00:30:44,593 --> 00:30:47,972
...give me a call here.
I'm... I'm hardly ever home.
578
00:30:48,138 --> 00:30:51,312
I'm definitely gonna call
because I'm a seafood nut.
579
00:30:51,475 --> 00:30:53,694
And, you know, to not eat clams is...
580
00:30:53,852 --> 00:30:55,104
What the hell's life for?
581
00:30:55,270 --> 00:30:57,944
- [hammering]
- [cell phone ringing]
582
00:30:58,106 --> 00:31:01,485
Would you please, for the love of God,
583
00:31:01,651 --> 00:31:04,325
and your own body,
hold the hammering?
584
00:31:05,030 --> 00:31:06,247
Claire.
585
00:31:06,573 --> 00:31:09,076
Sir, it's the Times. They want
a reaction to the woman's death.
586
00:31:09,242 --> 00:31:11,165
Well, we slapped her in the face
and got her attention.
587
00:31:11,328 --> 00:31:12,688
It was probably something she ate.
588
00:31:12,788 --> 00:31:14,836
He said that it was
probably something that she ate.
589
00:31:14,998 --> 00:31:15,999
Oh.
590
00:31:17,334 --> 00:31:18,631
This is Frank Cross.
591
00:31:18,794 --> 00:31:21,388
We at IBC are shocked and appalled
by this senseless tragedy.
592
00:31:21,546 --> 00:31:22,388
[hammering]
593
00:31:22,547 --> 00:31:24,140
Corning as it does
at this season of giving...
594
00:31:24,299 --> 00:31:27,929
Would you please hold
the goddamn hammering?
595
00:31:28,095 --> 00:31:29,347
[Frank] Now!
596
00:31:29,513 --> 00:31:30,639
[man] You got it.
597
00:31:34,851 --> 00:31:36,694
[set crashing]
598
00:31:39,689 --> 00:31:41,157
Oh, shit!
599
00:31:42,818 --> 00:31:44,411
I'm going to lunch.
600
00:31:44,986 --> 00:31:47,739
So, how's everything going, Frank?
601
00:31:47,906 --> 00:31:49,283
Couldn't be better, Preston.
602
00:31:49,449 --> 00:31:53,670
Oh, Mr. Rhinelander, hello. Mr. Cross.
603
00:31:53,829 --> 00:31:56,048
May I get you gentlemen
something from the bar?
604
00:31:56,206 --> 00:31:58,174
- Yes. I'd like a highball.
- Mmm-hmm.
605
00:31:58,333 --> 00:32:00,427
- I'll have a highball, too.
- Mmm-hmm.
606
00:32:00,585 --> 00:32:03,008
[violin playing]
607
00:32:07,843 --> 00:32:09,971
You've heard from the embassy?
608
00:32:10,178 --> 00:32:11,350
Yes, everything's fine.
609
00:32:11,513 --> 00:32:13,186
We're gonna be switching live
610
00:32:13,348 --> 00:32:17,228
back and forth from our Scrooge
in the studio to Berlin
611
00:32:17,394 --> 00:32:20,443
where we've got LeRoy Neiman
painting the Wall for us.
612
00:32:20,605 --> 00:32:22,357
Then we're gonna
shoot on out to Africa
613
00:32:22,524 --> 00:32:25,448
where the Holy Father is gonna
bless the entire Zulu nation.
614
00:32:25,610 --> 00:32:28,454
We think it's the largest baptism
of all time.
615
00:32:28,613 --> 00:32:30,365
That's just the point, Frank.
616
00:32:30,532 --> 00:32:32,772
I'm afraid you might be
spreading yourself a little thin.
617
00:32:32,868 --> 00:32:36,714
So I've taken the liberty
of hiring somebody to work with you.
618
00:32:37,622 --> 00:32:39,920
- Oh, great.
- I knew you'd be pleased.
619
00:32:40,083 --> 00:32:42,211
I couldn't be more pleased.
620
00:32:42,752 --> 00:32:44,720
- Who is it?
- Pellegrino, rocks, twist.
621
00:32:44,880 --> 00:32:48,054
Well, we meet again, huh?
How are you?
622
00:32:48,216 --> 00:32:50,639
Oh, look at this.
Blue is a bad color for New York.
623
00:32:50,802 --> 00:32:53,351
Frank, I realize
this is coming at you pretty damn fast,
624
00:32:53,513 --> 00:32:56,642
but I want you to understand
that my only function here
625
00:32:56,808 --> 00:32:59,152
is to take some of the burden
off of your shoulders.
626
00:32:59,311 --> 00:33:02,235
A lot of men in your position
would see me as a threat.
627
00:33:02,397 --> 00:33:03,398
It's only natural.
628
00:33:03,565 --> 00:33:04,987
- [pager beeps]
- That's me.
629
00:33:05,150 --> 00:33:09,075
[Lew's voice] You are going to be
visited by three ghosts.
630
00:33:09,237 --> 00:33:12,241
Expect the first one tomorrow at noon.
631
00:33:12,407 --> 00:33:14,660
[Brice's voice] Frank, I realize
this is coming at you pretty damn fast,
632
00:33:14,826 --> 00:33:16,794
but I want you to understand
that my only function here
633
00:33:16,953 --> 00:33:18,796
is to take some of the burden
off of your shoulders.
634
00:33:18,955 --> 00:33:20,923
A lot of men in your position
would see me as a threat.
635
00:33:21,082 --> 00:33:22,834
It's only natural.
But, whoop, that's me.
636
00:33:23,001 --> 00:33:25,470
Have you ever seen a watch like this?
It's a real beauty, isn't it?
637
00:33:25,629 --> 00:33:26,676
My dad gave me this.
638
00:33:27,339 --> 00:33:29,683
[yelling]
639
00:33:34,971 --> 00:33:36,143
But...
640
00:33:38,975 --> 00:33:42,479
But when Preston hired me this morning
641
00:33:42,646 --> 00:33:43,989
as a sort of, what?
642
00:33:44,147 --> 00:33:46,616
A consultant, I suppose you might say,
643
00:33:46,942 --> 00:33:50,162
I said to him,
"Consider me just one of the team."
644
00:33:50,320 --> 00:33:51,617
[laughing]
645
00:33:51,780 --> 00:33:55,080
My, uh, my lacrosse coach used to say,
646
00:33:55,242 --> 00:33:58,166
"There is no 'l' in T-E-A-M."
647
00:33:58,328 --> 00:34:00,456
[waiter] Here we are, gentlemen.
648
00:34:00,622 --> 00:34:01,839
- This one for you, sir.
- [Preston] Thank you.
649
00:34:01,998 --> 00:34:04,000
And one for you.
650
00:34:04,543 --> 00:34:06,762
[screaming]
651
00:34:20,767 --> 00:34:21,609
[people chattering]
652
00:34:21,768 --> 00:34:24,863
- I'm terribly sorry. I...
- Are you him?
653
00:34:25,647 --> 00:34:27,024
Are you him?
654
00:34:27,274 --> 00:34:29,368
Are you he?
655
00:34:30,360 --> 00:34:31,987
[waiter whispering]
I'll take it away.
656
00:34:33,655 --> 00:34:34,656
Now don't...
657
00:34:35,907 --> 00:34:37,625
Don't come apart on me, Frank.
658
00:34:39,661 --> 00:34:40,708
No.
659
00:34:41,204 --> 00:34:43,798
No. What was that, uh,
that your lacrosse coach said?
660
00:34:43,957 --> 00:34:45,834
No, the point is, Frank...
661
00:34:46,001 --> 00:34:47,799
Excuse me, gentlemen,
are you ready to order?
662
00:34:47,961 --> 00:34:51,090
Great. Yeah. I'll have the,
uh, California health plate.
663
00:34:51,256 --> 00:34:53,384
- No dairy in that, huh?
- [waiter] Mmm-hmm.
664
00:34:53,550 --> 00:34:55,350
[Preston] How's the rack
of lamb today, Bobby?
665
00:34:55,385 --> 00:34:56,728
[waiter] Excellent choice, sir.
666
00:34:57,679 --> 00:34:58,976
Sir?
667
00:35:00,724 --> 00:35:02,772
[Frank] Oh, my God.
[screaming]
668
00:35:04,019 --> 00:35:05,020
Bobby.
669
00:35:05,228 --> 00:35:06,901
Bobby, look! Somebody save him!
670
00:35:07,063 --> 00:35:08,861
Oh, no. That's a baked Alaska, sir.
671
00:35:09,024 --> 00:35:10,984
No, that's a dessert.
You wouldn't want that, sir.
672
00:35:11,067 --> 00:35:14,196
- [screaming] Look!
- [waiter] Oh, no, no, no, sir.
673
00:35:14,362 --> 00:35:17,332
That gentleman had a meatloaf.
You... you wouldn't want that, sir.
674
00:35:17,490 --> 00:35:20,369
It's not very... It's full of... Sir?
675
00:35:21,369 --> 00:35:24,498
- I'm gonna have...
- Have?
676
00:35:24,664 --> 00:35:26,337
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go have some air.
677
00:35:26,499 --> 00:35:27,842
Uh, excuse me.
678
00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:31,255
[yelling]
679
00:35:36,217 --> 00:35:37,685
I'm sorry.
680
00:35:38,678 --> 00:35:41,352
You know,
I thought you were Richard Pryor.
681
00:35:41,514 --> 00:35:43,312
[bowl rattles]
682
00:35:55,111 --> 00:35:56,829
- Get me a cab!
- Yes, sir.
683
00:36:00,408 --> 00:36:01,409
[whistling]
684
00:36:03,745 --> 00:36:05,588
[tires screeching]
685
00:36:09,626 --> 00:36:11,746
All right, cut through the park
and take me over to...
686
00:36:12,170 --> 00:36:13,387
Whoa. Hey, man!
687
00:36:13,546 --> 00:36:14,547
[exclaims]
688
00:36:17,425 --> 00:36:18,768
Watch out!
689
00:36:18,927 --> 00:36:20,053
[tires screeching]
690
00:36:24,683 --> 00:36:25,684
Whoa!
691
00:36:29,437 --> 00:36:30,780
Wrong way, jerk!
692
00:36:30,939 --> 00:36:33,067
Nice hit back there! Solid hit!
693
00:36:33,983 --> 00:36:37,487
- You're going the wrong way!
- Relax, Frank. Enjoy the ride.
694
00:36:37,654 --> 00:36:41,124
- How do you know my name?
- I know absolutely everything, Frank.
695
00:36:41,282 --> 00:36:44,411
You see, I'm the ghost.
696
00:36:44,577 --> 00:36:46,454
[ghost laughing]
697
00:36:56,756 --> 00:37:00,306
- You don't mind if I smoke, do you?
- Smoke! Smoke! Just drive!
698
00:37:11,896 --> 00:37:13,022
Oh, thanks, pal.
699
00:37:13,189 --> 00:37:14,907
[laughing]
700
00:37:17,819 --> 00:37:20,163
[screaming]
701
00:37:24,909 --> 00:37:27,662
What did you do?
What did you do? What did you do?
702
00:37:30,248 --> 00:37:32,171
That's not funny! Not funny!
703
00:37:33,501 --> 00:37:36,129
[Frank] All right! Pull over! Pull over!
704
00:37:39,883 --> 00:37:42,432
[dog barking]
705
00:37:43,094 --> 00:37:45,062
- Where are we?
- "Where are we?"
706
00:37:45,221 --> 00:37:47,349
You mean, "When are we?"
707
00:37:47,849 --> 00:37:50,272
[ghost laughing]
708
00:37:50,435 --> 00:37:51,435
[horn honking]
709
00:37:53,062 --> 00:37:54,359
Look out!
710
00:37:56,649 --> 00:37:59,402
Go back to Jersey, you moron!
711
00:37:59,569 --> 00:38:01,537
[laughing]
712
00:38:01,696 --> 00:38:05,542
- Take me home right now.
- You got it, pal.
713
00:38:13,833 --> 00:38:16,086
- [coughing]
- Welcome home, Frankie.
714
00:38:18,171 --> 00:38:19,548
Oh, my God!
715
00:38:21,299 --> 00:38:23,267
This is where I grew up.
716
00:38:23,718 --> 00:38:26,392
- I thought they tore this place down.
- They did.
717
00:38:26,554 --> 00:38:29,228
Guess my dad hasn't put up
our Christmas lights yet.
718
00:38:29,390 --> 00:38:32,940
Oh, for Christ's sakes, Frank,
it's Christmas Eve.
719
00:38:35,396 --> 00:38:36,648
I get it.
720
00:38:36,815 --> 00:38:40,160
You're taking me back in time
to show me my mother and father,
721
00:38:40,318 --> 00:38:42,571
and I'm supposed to get
all goosey and blubbery.
722
00:38:42,737 --> 00:38:44,831
Well, forget it pal,
you got the wrong guy.
723
00:38:44,989 --> 00:38:47,492
That's exactly what Attila the Hun said.
724
00:38:47,742 --> 00:38:51,792
But when he saw his mother,
Niagara Falls.
725
00:38:52,413 --> 00:38:54,165
Let's get this over with.
726
00:39:01,214 --> 00:39:02,966
[ghost laughing]
727
00:39:03,758 --> 00:39:05,681
That was a great joke.
728
00:39:05,844 --> 00:39:07,596
I love that bit!
729
00:39:08,972 --> 00:39:10,349
[groans]
730
00:39:11,266 --> 00:39:13,439
Quiet. Somebody will call the cops.
731
00:39:14,060 --> 00:39:16,233
- [TV chattering]
- Oh, relax, Frank.
732
00:39:16,396 --> 00:39:20,902
They can't hear us. They can't see us.
This is not live. It's like a rerun.
733
00:39:21,109 --> 00:39:22,486
Check it out.
734
00:39:24,153 --> 00:39:25,325
[man on TV] See? Here I am.
735
00:39:25,488 --> 00:39:28,037
We all drink our
chocolate-flavored Ova/tine every day
736
00:39:28,199 --> 00:39:30,293
to help give us what we need
for rocket power.
737
00:39:32,745 --> 00:39:35,919
- The Lone Ranger!
- [music playing on TV]
738
00:39:37,208 --> 00:39:38,334
[gun firing]
739
00:39:39,127 --> 00:39:40,128
That's the...
740
00:39:40,295 --> 00:39:42,218
[children screaming on TV]
741
00:39:46,467 --> 00:39:48,265
Hello, Earl.
742
00:39:56,060 --> 00:39:57,653
Here, Francis.
743
00:39:57,812 --> 00:40:01,316
I've got something for you.
Merry Christmas.
744
00:40:01,900 --> 00:40:05,404
- A choo-choo train?
- No, it's five pounds of veal.
745
00:40:06,821 --> 00:40:10,041
But, Daddy,
I asked Santa for a choo-choo.
746
00:40:10,783 --> 00:40:14,003
Then go out and get a job
and buy a choo-choo.
747
00:40:14,329 --> 00:40:16,673
Ah, Earl, he's only four years old.
748
00:40:16,831 --> 00:40:20,005
[Earl] All daylong, I listen to people
give excuses why they can't work.
749
00:40:20,168 --> 00:40:22,842
"My back hurts. My legs ache.
750
00:40:23,671 --> 00:40:25,389
I'm only four!"
751
00:40:26,799 --> 00:40:28,517
The sooner he learns
that life isn't given to you
752
00:40:28,676 --> 00:40:29,956
on a silver platter, the better!
753
00:40:31,930 --> 00:40:34,024
[children singing on TV]
754
00:40:34,182 --> 00:40:37,277
[man on TV] You know, we've all been
doing everything we possibly can...
755
00:40:37,435 --> 00:40:38,778
[Wendie] I'm going up.
756
00:40:41,230 --> 00:40:44,109
Baby, don't watch too much TV.
It's bad for your eyes.
757
00:40:44,275 --> 00:40:45,447
OK, Mommy.
758
00:40:47,320 --> 00:40:49,038
Merry Christmas, Frankie angel.
759
00:40:49,197 --> 00:40:51,495
Merry Christmas to you, Mama.
760
00:41:04,379 --> 00:41:07,053
Niagara Falls, Frankie angel.
761
00:41:15,765 --> 00:41:17,733
I was touched by a gift.
762
00:41:18,559 --> 00:41:21,062
A four-year-old kid receives
what in today's marketplace
763
00:41:21,229 --> 00:41:24,028
is a $40 or $50 piece of milk-fed veal.
764
00:41:25,733 --> 00:41:28,202
Frank, you still spent
the next 15 years of your life
765
00:41:28,361 --> 00:41:29,961
sitting on your ass watching television.
766
00:41:30,113 --> 00:41:32,912
Check the records, chump.
I did some stuff.
767
00:41:33,616 --> 00:41:35,334
I was a baseball player.
768
00:41:35,493 --> 00:41:37,916
One year, I hit the home run
that won the big game.
769
00:41:38,079 --> 00:41:41,424
That was the kid
on The Courtship of Eddie's Father.
770
00:41:45,086 --> 00:41:46,463
There was another time, though,
771
00:41:46,629 --> 00:41:49,189
that I was running down a hillside
that was covered with flowers,
772
00:41:49,257 --> 00:41:52,682
and there was a beautiful girl,
like 15, with pigtails.
773
00:41:52,844 --> 00:41:54,517
- And she was waiting for me.
- You are so pathetic!
774
00:41:54,679 --> 00:41:56,352
And her parents didn't know
she snuck out of the house.
775
00:41:56,514 --> 00:41:58,812
That was
the Little House on the Prairie!
776
00:42:02,854 --> 00:42:04,734
Was it the "Homecoming" episode
of Little House?
777
00:42:04,772 --> 00:42:07,946
Yes, it was the "Homecoming" episode
of Little House.
778
00:42:08,109 --> 00:42:09,326
Let's face it, Frank.
779
00:42:09,485 --> 00:42:11,738
Garden slugs got more out of life
than you did.
780
00:42:11,904 --> 00:42:12,905
[laughing]
781
00:42:13,072 --> 00:42:14,369
Name one.
782
00:42:16,117 --> 00:42:17,539
Take me to my office.
783
00:42:17,994 --> 00:42:19,041
Gladly!
784
00:42:20,163 --> 00:42:22,131
- [crashing]
- [music playing on stereo]
785
00:42:22,290 --> 00:42:23,837
- [Frank] Where are we?
- [ghost] It's your office.
786
00:42:24,000 --> 00:42:26,469
- Isn't that where you wanted to go?
- What's going on?
787
00:42:26,961 --> 00:42:28,338
It's their Christmas party.
788
00:42:28,504 --> 00:42:30,472
They've had Christmas parties here
789
00:42:30,631 --> 00:42:32,725
since the dawn
of the golden age of television.
790
00:42:32,884 --> 00:42:35,137
Till you took over, you big stiff.
791
00:42:35,303 --> 00:42:37,556
[people chattering]
792
00:42:38,806 --> 00:42:40,433
Merry Christmas. Pass those out.
793
00:42:40,600 --> 00:42:43,023
[I Sam the Sham & The Pharaohs:
"Wooly Bully"]
794
00:42:45,855 --> 00:42:48,449
[woman] Brook, Brook. Hey, wait for me.
795
00:42:49,275 --> 00:42:51,369
♪ Hatty told Matty
796
00:42:52,195 --> 00:42:54,744
♪ Let's don't take no chance
797
00:42:56,240 --> 00:42:58,163
♪ Let's not be L-seven' ♪
798
00:42:58,326 --> 00:43:00,545
Hey, hey! Hey, hey, Fred! Fred!
799
00:43:00,703 --> 00:43:03,456
- It's Frank, Mr. Hayward.
- Frank.
800
00:43:03,664 --> 00:43:06,417
You didn't happen to notice
a big Christmas party
801
00:43:06,584 --> 00:43:09,087
- going on around here, did you?
- Yes, I did see one, sir.
802
00:43:09,253 --> 00:43:11,347
I'm gonna be right on it.
I'm just gonna finish this.
803
00:43:11,506 --> 00:43:12,598
OK.
804
00:43:14,509 --> 00:43:17,433
- Merry Christmas!
- Why, thank you, Tina.
805
00:43:18,930 --> 00:43:21,058
- Frank! Frank!
- Oh, hi.
806
00:43:21,224 --> 00:43:23,147
- Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas, Tina.
807
00:43:23,309 --> 00:43:25,482
You're not leaving, are you?
You wanna go get some Chinese food?
808
00:43:25,645 --> 00:43:27,739
Oh, wow, no.
You're not supposed to eat that stuff.
809
00:43:27,897 --> 00:43:29,977
They found out that
they're cutting up the alley cats
810
00:43:30,024 --> 00:43:31,742
and using them in chop suey.
It's a real bummer.
811
00:43:31,901 --> 00:43:33,448
Don't eat that stuff.
812
00:43:34,278 --> 00:43:37,282
You idiot! You moron, get back there!
813
00:43:37,573 --> 00:43:39,041
I don't believe myself.
814
00:43:39,200 --> 00:43:40,747
What an idiot I am!
815
00:43:40,910 --> 00:43:42,253
Did you see that Tina?
816
00:43:42,411 --> 00:43:44,960
Frankie, I'm not that dead.
Now come on.
817
00:43:45,123 --> 00:43:48,718
I must have been out of my mind!
She was crazy about me.
818
00:43:48,876 --> 00:43:51,254
Not that one, Frankie. Not that one.
819
00:43:51,420 --> 00:43:52,421
[ghost] This one.
820
00:43:55,258 --> 00:43:58,478
Cupid's arrow, right between the eyes.
821
00:43:58,636 --> 00:44:01,014
Oh, God! Are you all right?
822
00:44:01,180 --> 00:44:03,558
You know,
you probably shouldn't move someone
823
00:44:03,724 --> 00:44:05,726
who's had a bad blow to the head.
824
00:44:10,148 --> 00:44:12,947
- [Claire] Where did I get you?
- You got me right here.
825
00:44:14,026 --> 00:44:15,869
And the sidewalk got me back here.
826
00:44:17,196 --> 00:44:20,245
[Claire laughing] It's gonna be
quite a lump. I'm sorry. Here.
827
00:44:24,537 --> 00:44:26,380
Is... is this yours?
828
00:44:26,747 --> 00:44:28,590
Yes, it is. Thank you.
829
00:44:29,959 --> 00:44:31,256
You had some things, didn't you?
830
00:44:31,419 --> 00:44:32,420
- Yes.
- Here.
831
00:44:32,587 --> 00:44:34,055
[groans]
832
00:44:34,463 --> 00:44:36,181
[laughing]
833
00:44:36,340 --> 00:44:39,139
All right. Tell you what.
I'll go down for them.
834
00:44:39,302 --> 00:44:41,270
OK. Good idea.
835
00:44:41,429 --> 00:44:43,932
- Wait for me. Yeah?
- Yes, I'll wait.
836
00:44:51,189 --> 00:44:53,442
- Thanks, Lumpy.
- Thank you.
837
00:44:55,484 --> 00:44:57,486
- Merry Christmas.
- Say, uh,
838
00:44:57,653 --> 00:44:59,253
would you like to go
to a Christmas party
839
00:44:59,280 --> 00:45:01,533
- that's going on right now?
- Not really.
840
00:45:01,699 --> 00:45:03,042
Neither would I.
841
00:45:04,660 --> 00:45:05,661
Young lady!
842
00:45:07,121 --> 00:45:08,668
Do you shop here all the time?
843
00:45:08,831 --> 00:45:11,425
Because if you do, I can walk
on the other side of the street.
844
00:45:11,584 --> 00:45:13,052
[both scatting]
845
00:45:15,338 --> 00:45:16,681
[Claire laughs]
846
00:45:19,967 --> 00:45:22,686
Would you like
to go get some Chinese food?
847
00:45:24,639 --> 00:45:25,856
[cat yowling]
848
00:45:26,015 --> 00:45:29,269
- [Frank] All right, what's going on?
- You are gonna love this.
849
00:45:30,102 --> 00:45:31,604
- [Frank] Claire?
- [Claire] Yeah.
850
00:45:31,771 --> 00:45:33,739
- [music playing on stereo]
- Claire?
851
00:45:34,065 --> 00:45:36,443
Yeah, what is it? I'm in the tub.
852
00:45:36,651 --> 00:45:38,949
Can't we open the presents now?
853
00:45:40,488 --> 00:45:41,910
What are you doing?
854
00:45:42,073 --> 00:45:43,290
Oh, come on, don't be a creep.
855
00:45:43,449 --> 00:45:45,952
- Yeah, you had it all, let me tell you.
- Yeah. Look at something else.
856
00:45:46,118 --> 00:45:48,558
Hey, look, there's a gorilla
climbing up on that big building.
857
00:45:52,625 --> 00:45:54,127
When can we open these?
858
00:45:54,293 --> 00:45:58,173
You can open one on Christmas Eve.
That's what we always did in my family.
859
00:45:58,339 --> 00:46:00,888
You have to wait until
Christmas morning to open the rest.
860
00:46:01,050 --> 00:46:02,176
Isn't that what you did?
861
00:46:02,343 --> 00:46:05,472
Well, uh, if it were gonna spoil,
we opened it the night before.
862
00:46:06,055 --> 00:46:08,808
Well, you wanna open this one?
863
00:46:09,225 --> 00:46:10,818
Is this for me?
864
00:46:13,396 --> 00:46:15,148
Oh.
865
00:46:22,655 --> 00:46:24,874
Oh, knives!
866
00:46:25,283 --> 00:46:26,956
Oh, good!
867
00:46:27,743 --> 00:46:30,371
Oh, lots of knives.
868
00:46:31,038 --> 00:46:32,381
I got her these great knives.
869
00:46:32,540 --> 00:46:34,292
- They're super sharp.
- I know, I know.
870
00:46:34,458 --> 00:46:36,210
- They don't make them in the States.
- Ginsu knives.
871
00:46:36,377 --> 00:46:37,469
- They are really sharp.
- They cut cans.
872
00:46:37,628 --> 00:46:40,598
You can cut a tin can
as easily as a tomato.
873
00:46:45,177 --> 00:46:46,303
Your turn.
874
00:46:46,470 --> 00:46:49,189
I've never liked a girl enough
to give her 12 sharp knives.
875
00:46:49,348 --> 00:46:50,565
[laughing]
876
00:46:51,726 --> 00:46:54,400
OK. You're gonna like this.
877
00:46:56,439 --> 00:46:57,986
"To Lump."
878
00:46:58,649 --> 00:47:00,617
[Claire] "Love, Claire."
879
00:47:07,116 --> 00:47:09,084
You're such an animal.
880
00:47:13,247 --> 00:47:16,342
"The Kama Sutra.
The Hindu art of love."
881
00:47:17,251 --> 00:47:18,969
Read the inscription.
882
00:47:21,380 --> 00:47:23,340
No. You read the inscription.
It says "Christmas,"
883
00:47:23,466 --> 00:47:24,683
and then the rest is...
884
00:47:24,842 --> 00:47:26,560
- It's Sanskrit.
- It's Sanskrit.
885
00:47:27,053 --> 00:47:30,523
I didn't need any kind of manual.
I want you to know that.
886
00:47:33,351 --> 00:47:35,729
Don't blow the ending for me now.
887
00:47:38,356 --> 00:47:40,575
- Did that.
- With who?
888
00:47:40,733 --> 00:47:42,201
- Did it.
- Yeah.
889
00:47:42,526 --> 00:47:43,652
Done this.
890
00:47:45,279 --> 00:47:47,828
Done this. Buddy of mine did this.
891
00:47:48,991 --> 00:47:51,460
Now this is ridiculous.
I don't believe this for a second.
892
00:47:51,619 --> 00:47:53,212
- What?
- Says there's a place that
893
00:47:53,371 --> 00:47:55,669
you can touch a woman
that will make her bark like a dog.
894
00:47:56,749 --> 00:47:58,922
[barking]
895
00:48:01,420 --> 00:48:03,340
- [Claire laughing]
- [Frank] Lassie's come home.
896
00:48:03,798 --> 00:48:06,517
Lassie, go get Gramps.
Go get Gramps, Lassie.
897
00:48:07,259 --> 00:48:09,619
I wonder if you're female.
Let's turn her over and find out.
898
00:48:09,762 --> 00:48:12,982
Hey. Oh, what a nice coat you have.
899
00:48:13,140 --> 00:48:16,064
I think I should
give you a bath every week.
900
00:48:16,936 --> 00:48:19,689
[barking]
901
00:48:21,857 --> 00:48:23,734
[Mike] Good morning, kiddos!
902
00:48:23,901 --> 00:48:26,154
This is Mike the Mailman!
903
00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:27,788
Hey, Frisbee!
904
00:48:28,656 --> 00:48:30,750
I got something for you.
905
00:48:31,283 --> 00:48:33,160
Come on. Oh, there he is.
906
00:48:33,327 --> 00:48:35,421
I really gotta watch out
for this one, eh?
907
00:48:35,579 --> 00:48:39,550
Oh, what goodies does he have?
Is it a pair of mittens?
908
00:48:39,708 --> 00:48:41,426
It's a bone!
909
00:48:41,585 --> 00:48:42,427
[laughing]
910
00:48:42,586 --> 00:48:45,339
What could it be? ls it a book?
911
00:48:45,506 --> 00:48:47,179
It's a bone!
912
00:48:47,508 --> 00:48:49,476
You can't figure it out,
can you, Frisbee?
913
00:48:49,635 --> 00:48:52,889
It's a bone, you lucky dog!
914
00:48:53,055 --> 00:48:55,433
It's a bone, you betcha!
915
00:48:57,184 --> 00:48:58,857
[children yelling]
916
00:48:59,019 --> 00:49:00,862
[Mike] Oh, kids, isn't this terrific?
917
00:49:01,021 --> 00:49:02,773
Lassie's a pretty good friend, eh?
918
00:49:02,940 --> 00:49:05,659
[man] And we're into
a commercial break, folks.
919
00:49:06,068 --> 00:49:08,036
[children cheering]
920
00:49:13,409 --> 00:49:16,379
- Very good, kid. Very good.
- Thank you. Thank you.
921
00:49:16,537 --> 00:49:18,255
So, how many reservations
should I make?
922
00:49:18,414 --> 00:49:21,384
Oh, yes. There'll be you, me, my wife...
923
00:49:21,542 --> 00:49:23,590
No, your wife's in Palm Springs.
924
00:49:23,752 --> 00:49:26,426
Oh, yes, yes. I forgot. Of course.
925
00:49:26,589 --> 00:49:29,183
Well, I guess then
it will be you and me.
926
00:49:29,758 --> 00:49:31,260
[exclaims]
927
00:49:31,552 --> 00:49:34,726
And Frank. Frank, I want you
to have dinner with us tonight.
928
00:49:34,889 --> 00:49:36,186
- You and your girl.
- [Frank] Claire.
929
00:49:36,348 --> 00:49:37,565
Right, Claire.
930
00:49:37,892 --> 00:49:40,111
And order us a stretch limo, too.
See you downstairs.
931
00:49:40,269 --> 00:49:41,612
OK.
932
00:49:42,938 --> 00:49:45,282
Hello. Why, you're Claire.
933
00:49:45,441 --> 00:49:46,761
- [howls]
- Yes, nice to meet you.
934
00:49:46,901 --> 00:49:48,903
Oh, hi, sweetheart.
935
00:49:50,696 --> 00:49:52,289
[Claire] You almost ready?
936
00:49:53,991 --> 00:49:56,244
The president of the network
just invited us to dinner.
937
00:49:56,410 --> 00:49:57,536
Oh, no, we can't tonight.
938
00:49:57,703 --> 00:49:59,922
We're going to, uh,
David and Kate's for dinner.
939
00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:01,627
We planned it for a month.
940
00:50:01,790 --> 00:50:04,634
But you can't expect a man like this
to make plans a month in advance.
941
00:50:04,793 --> 00:50:06,921
We can have dinner with them
next week.
942
00:50:07,087 --> 00:50:08,304
Next week?
943
00:50:08,464 --> 00:50:10,637
It's Christmas Eve.
They're our best friends.
944
00:50:10,799 --> 00:50:12,551
It only comes once a year.
945
00:50:12,718 --> 00:50:14,186
Thanks, Phil, babe.
946
00:50:14,428 --> 00:50:16,021
Yeah, it is Christmas.
947
00:50:16,180 --> 00:50:18,353
It's a time to be
a little bit less selfish, you know.
948
00:50:18,516 --> 00:50:21,986
Maybe if you could put my needs
and the needs of the Frisbee Show
949
00:50:22,144 --> 00:50:23,646
ahead of your own needs...
950
00:50:23,812 --> 00:50:26,486
I mean, I have been fighting
for the integrity of this show.
951
00:50:26,649 --> 00:50:27,821
This is the opportunity of a lifetime.
952
00:50:27,983 --> 00:50:30,406
- I'm sorry.
- [man] Sixty seconds!
953
00:50:31,529 --> 00:50:34,533
I guess I didn't realize
how important it is to you.
954
00:50:35,407 --> 00:50:38,456
Well, I'm willing to forgive you
once in a while. I am.
955
00:50:39,912 --> 00:50:40,913
Frank, look.
956
00:50:42,122 --> 00:50:45,217
Maybe we should separate for a while.
957
00:50:46,460 --> 00:50:48,178
- [Estelle] Excuse me.
- Estelle?
958
00:50:48,337 --> 00:50:49,384
- Yeah?
- When is that limo leaving?
959
00:50:49,547 --> 00:50:52,300
Oh, right after the show.
You know how he is.
960
00:50:53,092 --> 00:50:56,392
For a while and... see how it goes.
961
00:50:56,554 --> 00:50:58,852
I mean, I... I know you've been
under a lot of pressure.
962
00:51:00,766 --> 00:51:02,643
[sighing]
Oh, it's been rough.
963
00:51:11,110 --> 00:51:13,954
All right.
I'll try to come over later if I can.
964
00:51:15,030 --> 00:51:16,373
[man] Fifteen seconds.
965
00:51:17,575 --> 00:51:19,543
[bell ringing]
966
00:51:24,832 --> 00:51:27,085
I'll tell them that you got hung up.
967
00:51:27,543 --> 00:51:29,216
[music playing]
968
00:51:29,378 --> 00:51:30,504
Lumpy?
969
00:51:30,671 --> 00:51:33,220
[children cheering]
970
00:51:33,382 --> 00:51:35,009
Merry Christmas.
971
00:51:38,470 --> 00:51:42,691
[man] Five, four, three, two, one.
972
00:51:42,850 --> 00:51:43,851
OK, kiddos...
973
00:51:44,018 --> 00:51:47,147
You left Claire for Frisbee the Dog?
974
00:51:48,272 --> 00:51:50,616
Frank, let me sum this up for you.
975
00:51:50,774 --> 00:51:54,199
You don't know who you are,
you don't know what you want,
976
00:51:54,361 --> 00:51:57,365
and you don't know
what the hell is going on.
977
00:51:58,115 --> 00:51:59,708
I've made a few mistakes.
978
00:52:00,242 --> 00:52:01,789
I gotta live with that.
979
00:52:03,203 --> 00:52:05,297
But I know who I am.
980
00:52:05,789 --> 00:52:07,712
I know what I want.
981
00:52:07,875 --> 00:52:08,955
And I know what's going on.
982
00:52:09,084 --> 00:52:12,008
[whistles]
Hey, Frank. Over here.
983
00:52:12,171 --> 00:52:13,548
What's going on?
984
00:52:13,714 --> 00:52:16,342
How am I supposed to know?
I'm only the ghost.
985
00:52:16,508 --> 00:52:19,227
So long, sucker!
986
00:52:19,386 --> 00:52:20,638
[laughing]
987
00:52:20,804 --> 00:52:22,681
Hold on! Hello, taxi!
988
00:52:27,936 --> 00:52:32,316
I have seen your nobler aspirations
fall off one by one
989
00:52:32,483 --> 00:52:35,703
till the master passion, greed,
engrosses you.
990
00:52:37,404 --> 00:52:38,656
[sobbing]
Farewell, Ebenezer.
991
00:52:39,740 --> 00:52:43,244
May you be happy
with the path that you have chosen.
992
00:52:43,410 --> 00:52:46,960
Well, I am happy with the path
that I've chosen, you little bitch!
993
00:52:47,122 --> 00:52:48,715
In fact, I couldn't be happier!
994
00:52:48,874 --> 00:52:51,548
What are you? Crazy'?
995
00:52:51,752 --> 00:52:53,392
- [bell ringing]
- Yeah, Buddy, I'm crazy!
996
00:52:53,587 --> 00:52:55,214
Crazy like a fox!
997
00:52:55,381 --> 00:52:58,100
Crazy enough
to see through your little tricks.
998
00:52:58,384 --> 00:53:00,603
I'm back. I can see now.
999
00:53:00,761 --> 00:53:03,014
No one could have been
that simple and good,
1000
00:53:03,180 --> 00:53:07,310
and sweet, and kind, and decent,
yet caring, wonderful.
1001
00:53:07,476 --> 00:53:09,820
Not on this planet! No, baby.
1002
00:53:09,978 --> 00:53:12,982
Not unless they had something to hide,
some sort of trick up their sleeve.
1003
00:53:13,148 --> 00:53:14,946
You wouldn't try to trick me, would you?
1004
00:53:15,109 --> 00:53:18,454
Don't try to trick me today
because I'm back, Jack!
1005
00:53:18,612 --> 00:53:22,082
Maybe we'll just check things out
over there at Operation Reach Out.
1006
00:53:22,408 --> 00:53:23,409
Pick a side, grandma.
1007
00:53:23,575 --> 00:53:24,747
Goodbye. Thank you.
1008
00:53:24,910 --> 00:53:27,350
[woman announcing] ...blood drive.
$20 a pint. Come on, folks.
1009
00:53:27,454 --> 00:53:30,549
Ah, here's a happy donor.
Thank you so much.
1010
00:53:31,959 --> 00:53:33,586
Merry Christmas.
1011
00:53:35,170 --> 00:53:36,296
[groans]
1012
00:53:37,047 --> 00:53:40,802
Well, just for the record, you left me.
1013
00:53:40,968 --> 00:53:44,142
You had to go somewhere and get
your head together or something.
1014
00:53:44,304 --> 00:53:47,103
Well, baby, my head is just fine.
Check it out!
1015
00:53:47,266 --> 00:53:48,939
It's right here where it belongs!
1016
00:53:51,937 --> 00:53:53,860
What's the point?
It's lonely at the top?
1017
00:53:54,022 --> 00:53:55,945
It's not lonely at the top.
1018
00:53:56,108 --> 00:53:59,453
Oh, maybe around my birthday
and at sunset.
1019
00:53:59,611 --> 00:54:00,988
And there have been
a couple of weekends
1020
00:54:01,155 --> 00:54:03,874
that would have raised hell
with even a really normal person!
1021
00:54:04,783 --> 00:54:07,377
But that's me. I'm a widow of business.
1022
00:54:07,703 --> 00:54:09,956
That's my life! I've chosen it!
1023
00:54:10,122 --> 00:54:13,626
At least I work someplace that you can
find when you're looking for it!
1024
00:54:15,586 --> 00:54:17,964
OK, here we are now.
1025
00:54:18,589 --> 00:54:20,842
When I want a wife,
1026
00:54:21,049 --> 00:54:23,017
I'm gonna buy one!
1027
00:54:24,178 --> 00:54:26,681
And she's going to be devoted to me,
1028
00:54:26,847 --> 00:54:29,225
to my wants and my needs,
1029
00:54:29,391 --> 00:54:30,938
not like you!
1030
00:54:31,310 --> 00:54:33,529
Let's face it, you treated me like dirt!
1031
00:54:33,687 --> 00:54:35,860
Oh, Lord! Another wild and wooly one.
1032
00:54:36,023 --> 00:54:39,152
Honey, you look frozen.
Come over here.
1033
00:54:39,318 --> 00:54:41,366
Let me get you a nice hot cup of coffee.
1034
00:54:41,528 --> 00:54:43,201
And now you sit right there,
I'll bring it to you.
1035
00:54:43,363 --> 00:54:44,615
[Hazel] Robert, get up!
1036
00:54:44,782 --> 00:54:46,580
Hi, Dick. Herman.
1037
00:54:47,659 --> 00:54:48,751
I'm Billy.
1038
00:54:48,911 --> 00:54:50,663
Eva. Eva. That's me.
1039
00:54:50,829 --> 00:54:53,252
- Oh, cocktail hour.
- Drink for Mr. Richard Burton.
1040
00:54:53,415 --> 00:54:55,133
- Drink up.
- Here, Dave.
1041
00:54:55,292 --> 00:54:56,919
Drink just for me.
1042
00:54:57,461 --> 00:54:58,883
For you, Dave.
1043
00:55:00,631 --> 00:55:01,883
[laughing]
1044
00:55:02,049 --> 00:55:03,642
That Dick sure knows how to live, huh?
1045
00:55:03,801 --> 00:55:05,144
Why do you keep calling me Dick?
1046
00:55:05,302 --> 00:55:07,225
I'm sorry, Mr. Burton.
1047
00:55:07,387 --> 00:55:10,891
Maybe we don't know you well enough
to call you Dick
1048
00:55:11,058 --> 00:55:13,402
but after Exorcist ll
and Night of the Iguana,
1049
00:55:13,560 --> 00:55:15,187
we thought we had something special.
1050
00:55:15,354 --> 00:55:18,028
So could you please just do
a couple of lines from Hamlet?
1051
00:55:18,190 --> 00:55:19,988
- Please.
- Or The Sandpiper?
1052
00:55:20,150 --> 00:55:22,118
Leave me alone!
1053
00:55:22,277 --> 00:55:25,827
- Do Cleopatra for me, please, Dick.
- Please do it.
1054
00:55:25,989 --> 00:55:28,492
- Please, do it for Eva.
- Yeah.
1055
00:55:28,659 --> 00:55:29,660
I am Mark Antony...
1056
00:55:29,827 --> 00:55:31,079
[talking gibberish]
1057
00:55:31,245 --> 00:55:33,623
All those who don't know Abyssinia,
1058
00:55:33,789 --> 00:55:36,383
to know the rain
before nightfall of Cheops.
1059
00:55:36,959 --> 00:55:38,677
I swear. By thee I full swear.
1060
00:55:38,836 --> 00:55:41,430
Oh, isn't that marvelous?
1061
00:55:41,588 --> 00:55:43,966
- Now beat it before I beat you!
- [Herman] Eagles.
1062
00:55:44,132 --> 00:55:46,260
- Where Eagles Dare.
- [Billy] Yeah.
1063
00:55:48,053 --> 00:55:51,102
- Lumpy, what a surprise!
- Oh, God! Oh, God! Claire!
1064
00:55:52,349 --> 00:55:55,148
- What are you doing here?
- Claire. Claire.
1065
00:55:55,310 --> 00:55:57,813
Well, you said if it happened again,
that I should come by.
1066
00:55:57,980 --> 00:56:00,529
- Well, what happened?
- Well...
1067
00:56:02,276 --> 00:56:05,120
I have been thinking a lot
about the past,
1068
00:56:05,279 --> 00:56:07,532
and, you know, when that happens,
you start thinking to yourself,
1069
00:56:07,698 --> 00:56:10,247
"Well, I've made a lot of decisions,
you know.
1070
00:56:10,409 --> 00:56:12,628
And what would have happened
1071
00:56:12,786 --> 00:56:15,084
if I had made different decisions?"
1072
00:56:16,039 --> 00:56:17,541
Do you know what I mean?
1073
00:56:17,708 --> 00:56:19,426
Are you talking about regret?
1074
00:56:19,585 --> 00:56:22,213
Yeah, yeah, I'm talking about regret.
Yeah!
1075
00:56:22,379 --> 00:56:25,724
You know, the one good thing about
regret is that it's never too late.
1076
00:56:25,883 --> 00:56:28,136
You can always change if you want to.
1077
00:56:29,011 --> 00:56:31,855
- I deal with that every day.
- OK, well, deal with this.
1078
00:56:32,014 --> 00:56:34,984
I wanna take you someplace right now
1079
00:56:35,392 --> 00:56:38,396
and eat Chinese food.
1080
00:56:38,687 --> 00:56:41,361
Claire, we got some huge problems
this time!
1081
00:56:41,523 --> 00:56:44,493
- There ain't a fuse in the whole joint!
- Oh, no, there are fuses.
1082
00:56:44,651 --> 00:56:46,528
I'll show you where they are
in just a second, Hazel.
1083
00:56:46,695 --> 00:56:49,039
- The A&P didn't send any turkeys.
- No.
1084
00:56:49,197 --> 00:56:51,746
Oh, no, they were
supposed to be here hours ago.
1085
00:56:51,909 --> 00:56:54,082
- Not one.
- OK, I'll call them in just a second.
1086
00:56:54,244 --> 00:56:55,666
- No...
- Can you wait? Could you wait for me...
1087
00:56:55,829 --> 00:56:57,789
Well, they can handle this.
This isn't a big deal.
1088
00:56:57,873 --> 00:56:59,045
I mean, it's just some fuses.
1089
00:56:59,207 --> 00:57:00,925
You go down to the hardware store
and you buy fuses.
1090
00:57:01,084 --> 00:57:03,758
- What about the turkeys?
- And the turkeys are at the A&P?
1091
00:57:03,921 --> 00:57:05,681
- Look it up in the phone book.
- No, no, no.
1092
00:57:05,756 --> 00:57:08,555
It's under "A" and if you
can't find it there, it's under "P."
1093
00:57:08,717 --> 00:57:10,219
I have to call them myself.
I'll call them in just a second, OK?
1094
00:57:10,385 --> 00:57:11,637
You don't have to call them.
1095
00:57:11,803 --> 00:57:14,147
These are big girls,
very big girls, and they can do it.
1096
00:57:14,306 --> 00:57:16,775
- Attagirl!
- I'll be right... I'll be right there.
1097
00:57:16,934 --> 00:57:19,014
- I'll be...
- No, Claire, please. Fire these people.
1098
00:57:19,144 --> 00:57:20,942
- Fire them?
- Yeah, you fire them.
1099
00:57:21,104 --> 00:57:23,824
They're volunteers. They're here
out of the kindness of their hearts.
1100
00:57:23,899 --> 00:57:26,660
They're volunteers because no one
will pay them! They are incompetent!
1101
00:57:27,527 --> 00:57:28,744
It's Christmas Eve.
1102
00:57:28,904 --> 00:57:32,124
They're like this every day of the year.
I guarantee it!
1103
00:57:32,950 --> 00:57:36,580
Look, if you'll just wait one minute,
I just gotta make the phone call...
1104
00:57:36,745 --> 00:57:38,225
- No, don't bother.
- Just a couple...
1105
00:57:38,372 --> 00:57:41,171
- Don't bother, OK?
- If you'll just wait one minute,
1106
00:57:41,333 --> 00:57:43,301
let me just finish organizing
what I'm doing,
1107
00:57:43,460 --> 00:57:44,632
I'll come with you, Frank.
1108
00:57:44,795 --> 00:57:46,092
Take the rest of your life!
1109
00:57:47,047 --> 00:57:50,426
I'm gonna give you some advice, Claire.
Scrape them off.
1110
00:57:50,801 --> 00:57:53,304
You wanna save somebody?
Save yourself.
1111
00:57:53,470 --> 00:57:56,815
Oh, that's a wonderful attitude to have
on Christmas Eve.
1112
00:57:57,641 --> 00:57:59,268
Merry Christmas.
1113
00:58:02,896 --> 00:58:04,318
Bah, humbug!
1114
00:58:08,860 --> 00:58:10,203
Lumpy?
1115
00:58:12,197 --> 00:58:15,417
Hey, Dick, can you lend me $2
so I can heat my place?
1116
00:58:15,575 --> 00:58:17,248
Herman, I blew it all on Liz.
1117
00:58:17,411 --> 00:58:19,038
There's a sucker inside.
1118
00:58:19,329 --> 00:58:20,330
Thanks.
1119
00:58:20,664 --> 00:58:23,543
This is the last dress rehearsal,
so let's get it right.
1120
00:58:23,709 --> 00:58:26,508
♪ Pumpin', jumpin', pumpin' and thumpin'
1121
00:58:26,670 --> 00:58:28,343
♪ Get up and dance I'
1122
00:58:28,505 --> 00:58:30,052
[man] Come on, Buddy, it's your cue.
Get moving.
1123
00:58:30,215 --> 00:58:31,341
[girls screaming]
1124
00:58:33,260 --> 00:58:34,728
[man on speaker] Cue Mr. Houseman.
1125
00:58:34,886 --> 00:58:38,936
[Houseman] "Ebenezer Scrooge
hurried past the ragged boys
1126
00:58:39,099 --> 00:58:41,648
who stood shivering in the snow,
1127
00:58:41,810 --> 00:58:45,280
gnawed and mumbled
by the hungry cold,
1128
00:58:45,439 --> 00:58:48,283
as bones are gnawed by dogs."
1129
00:58:49,067 --> 00:58:52,617
Why do I have to be molested
by these sea urchins?
1130
00:58:52,779 --> 00:58:54,247
- [man] Street urchins?
- No, Buddy, baby.
1131
00:58:54,406 --> 00:58:56,579
Look, look, right here, Buddy.
Here's what it says. "Street urchins."
1132
00:58:56,742 --> 00:58:59,120
[actor] I said "street."
Why would I say sea urchins?
1133
00:58:59,286 --> 00:59:01,584
OK, everybody, what'd he say, huh?
Sea urchins, street urchins?
1134
00:59:01,747 --> 00:59:03,590
- [all] Street urchins.
- Street, oh, oh.
1135
00:59:03,749 --> 00:59:06,753
He did say street urchins?
I'm sorry, Buddy. You're right.
1136
00:59:06,918 --> 00:59:08,795
OK everybody.
That's dinner, one hour!
1137
00:59:08,962 --> 00:59:11,806
That includes walking time! One hour!
1138
00:59:12,340 --> 00:59:14,513
You're doing great.
You're doing great, Buddy.
1139
00:59:14,676 --> 00:59:15,796
We need more snow over here.
1140
00:59:15,886 --> 00:59:17,513
[Brice] We gotta
watch that boom shadow, huh'?
1141
00:59:17,679 --> 00:59:19,477
You're right on my urchins.
1142
00:59:20,766 --> 00:59:23,189
Oh, Frank! Man! Baby, how are you?
1143
00:59:23,351 --> 00:59:25,854
Oh, God, we were so worried about you.
Are you OK?
1144
00:59:26,021 --> 00:59:28,023
Everybody was worried sick, huh?
You all right?
1145
00:59:28,190 --> 00:59:30,033
Listen, I call the meal breaks
around here.
1146
00:59:30,192 --> 00:59:31,239
Oh, Frank, I'm sorry.
1147
00:59:31,401 --> 00:59:33,324
Look, if it means that much to you,
I'll call everybody back
1148
00:59:33,487 --> 00:59:34,830
and you can tell them
it's time to go to dinner.
1149
00:59:34,988 --> 00:59:38,413
Hey, everybody, hold on a minute,
Frank's got something to say to you!
1150
00:59:38,575 --> 00:59:39,827
Go ahead.
1151
00:59:40,952 --> 00:59:43,046
I think it's time
you and I had a little talk, Brice.
1152
00:59:43,205 --> 00:59:46,175
Frank, I'd love to but, you know,
Preston asked me to stop by for a drink.
1153
00:59:46,333 --> 00:59:49,177
So if you don't mind,
I'll take a rain check, OK?
1154
00:59:49,669 --> 00:59:52,343
Paul, where are you? I need a cigarette!
1155
00:59:55,592 --> 00:59:58,186
Hey.
1156
01:00:01,848 --> 01:00:02,974
Hey!
1157
01:00:07,104 --> 01:00:08,105
Hey!
1158
01:00:08,271 --> 01:00:10,273
[bell tolling]
1159
01:00:18,115 --> 01:00:19,412
Hi, Frank!
1160
01:00:19,783 --> 01:00:23,708
Come on!
Come on out and play with me.
1161
01:00:23,870 --> 01:00:26,089
One, two, three, four...
1162
01:00:26,248 --> 01:00:29,001
...five, six, seven, eight.
- [glass clinking]
1163
01:00:29,167 --> 01:00:30,840
...two, three, four,
1164
01:00:31,002 --> 01:00:32,800
five, six, seven, eight.
1165
01:00:35,090 --> 01:00:37,718
Oh, I'm a little muddled.
1166
01:00:38,385 --> 01:00:40,058
Seven, eight.
1167
01:00:40,220 --> 01:00:42,689
One, two, three, four.
1168
01:00:42,848 --> 01:00:45,317
Oh, I'm so relieved. It's been so long.
1169
01:00:47,394 --> 01:00:49,317
[laughing]
1170
01:00:54,651 --> 01:00:56,619
[groans]
1171
01:00:57,195 --> 01:01:00,540
Hello, Frank.
I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present.
1172
01:01:00,699 --> 01:01:02,246
I had a funny feeling.
1173
01:01:02,409 --> 01:01:03,786
[groans]
1174
01:01:04,077 --> 01:01:06,455
Why did you do that?
1175
01:01:06,621 --> 01:01:08,794
Sometimes you have to
slap them in the face
1176
01:01:08,957 --> 01:01:10,755
just to get their attention.
1177
01:01:10,917 --> 01:01:13,591
Fine, slap me in the face.
1178
01:01:13,753 --> 01:01:16,882
- But you kicked me in the...
- Hush, Frank.
1179
01:01:17,090 --> 01:01:20,310
It's time to begin our journey.
1180
01:01:20,927 --> 01:01:22,975
And now close your eyes
1181
01:01:24,347 --> 01:01:26,270
- and think...
- No.
1182
01:01:26,474 --> 01:01:29,978
- You close your eyes! I'm through...
- Oh, no. Don't be quarrelsome.
1183
01:01:30,145 --> 01:01:33,445
Close your eyes and think
1184
01:01:33,607 --> 01:01:36,486
of snowflakes and moonbeams,
1185
01:01:36,651 --> 01:01:38,119
and whiskers on kitt...
1186
01:01:39,946 --> 01:01:41,163
No peeking!
1187
01:01:43,116 --> 01:01:46,416
Of rainbows, forget-me-nots,
1188
01:01:47,287 --> 01:01:51,463
of misty meadows
and sun-dappled pools.
1189
01:01:55,003 --> 01:01:57,722
Oh, look, there's Mr. Hedgehog.
1190
01:01:57,881 --> 01:01:59,724
I wonder where he's going.
1191
01:01:59,883 --> 01:02:02,261
Perhaps to Harlem!
1192
01:02:03,428 --> 01:02:05,726
[groaning] Oh! Oh, no!
1193
01:02:06,431 --> 01:02:07,933
I cracked you.
1194
01:02:08,099 --> 01:02:09,351
[cackling]
1195
01:02:09,517 --> 01:02:11,815
- Oh, God, my 'yaw.
- Oh.
1196
01:02:11,978 --> 01:02:14,822
- Sometimes the truth is painful, Frank.
- Uh-huh.
1197
01:02:14,981 --> 01:02:19,782
But it's made your cheeks all rosy
and your eyes bright as stars.
1198
01:02:19,945 --> 01:02:23,290
If you touch me again,
1199
01:02:23,823 --> 01:02:26,497
I'm gonna rip
your goddamn wings off, OK?
1200
01:02:27,035 --> 01:02:29,959
You know I like the rough stuff,
don't you, Frank?
1201
01:02:30,121 --> 01:02:31,293
Oh, God.
1202
01:02:31,456 --> 01:02:34,209
♪ Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle
Jingle, jingle, jingle bells I'
1203
01:02:35,252 --> 01:02:36,595
* Hi!
" Hi!
1204
01:02:37,671 --> 01:02:39,799
- Come on, Calvin.
- Hey, Calvin.
1205
01:02:39,965 --> 01:02:42,138
Merry Christmas, Cooley family!
1206
01:02:43,510 --> 01:02:46,059
Ma, you didn't have to come and get me.
I could have rode the subway.
1207
01:02:46,221 --> 01:02:48,474
I don't want you riding the subway
at this time of night by yourself.
1208
01:02:48,640 --> 01:02:49,641
- Are you ready'?
- Yeah.
1209
01:02:49,808 --> 01:02:51,060
- Good.
- [children chattering]
1210
01:02:51,226 --> 01:02:52,352
Hi, Mom!
1211
01:02:53,019 --> 01:02:54,316
- Come on, Mom.
- Oh, get out of here.
1212
01:02:54,479 --> 01:02:56,527
- Hi, girls.
- [girls] Hi, Mom.
1213
01:02:56,690 --> 01:02:59,193
"Hi, Morn." ls that all I'm gonna get?
1214
01:02:59,693 --> 01:03:02,822
Well, now I'm gonna get freshened up.
I'm gonna leave in a minute, get ready.
1215
01:03:05,156 --> 01:03:07,329
[girl] Leave it alone. No one can do it.
1216
01:03:07,742 --> 01:03:10,916
Shasta, Randee,
you two go wash up now, you hear?
1217
01:03:11,079 --> 01:03:12,080
OK, Gramma.
1218
01:03:12,247 --> 01:03:13,373
[Annie Lennox & Al Green:
"Put A Little Love In Your Heart" on radio]
1219
01:03:13,540 --> 01:03:15,292
♪ Think of your fellow man
1220
01:03:15,458 --> 01:03:18,382
♪ Lend him a helping hand
1221
01:03:18,545 --> 01:03:20,764
♪ Put a little love in your heart I'
1222
01:03:22,257 --> 01:03:25,101
[ghost] Oh, look! He did it.
1223
01:03:25,260 --> 01:03:27,228
- He's a bright little guy.
- Oh, yes.
1224
01:03:27,387 --> 01:03:28,513
What's wrong with him?
1225
01:03:28,680 --> 01:03:32,560
He hasn't spoken since he saw
his father killed five years ago.
1226
01:03:32,726 --> 01:03:36,776
He just drifted away,
like Sleeping Beauty.
1227
01:03:36,938 --> 01:03:39,908
I didn't know
that Grace's husband had died.
1228
01:03:40,066 --> 01:03:41,113
Oh, Frank,
1229
01:03:41,276 --> 01:03:45,076
don't you remember that period
when she wore black for a year?
1230
01:03:45,572 --> 01:03:49,452
I remember her wearing black
but I thought it was a fashion thing.
1231
01:03:49,617 --> 01:03:52,086
I mean, people
were wearing black, you know.
1232
01:03:52,245 --> 01:03:53,747
Oh, Frank.
1233
01:03:53,913 --> 01:03:55,881
My, my, poor Frank.
1234
01:03:56,583 --> 01:03:58,256
Well, is he gonna be OK?
1235
01:03:59,377 --> 01:04:02,972
It's his choice.
Only he can break the spell.
1236
01:04:03,131 --> 01:04:05,759
[Gramma] Oh, you're gonna be a doctor
soon enough. This is Christmas, honey.
1237
01:04:05,925 --> 01:04:08,553
Girls, put some love in his heart!
1238
01:04:08,720 --> 01:04:10,722
- Get back!
- A little Christmas loving, go ahead.
1239
01:04:10,889 --> 01:04:12,687
[man] A merry Christmas. God bless us.
1240
01:04:12,849 --> 01:04:15,602
- God bless us, every one.
- [Steven] Leave me alone! Mama!
1241
01:04:16,269 --> 01:04:17,270
Mama!
1242
01:04:17,437 --> 01:04:19,906
♪ Put a little love in your heart I'
1243
01:04:20,065 --> 01:04:21,066
[giggling]
1244
01:04:21,232 --> 01:04:22,609
Oh, oh! Come in, Frank.
1245
01:04:22,776 --> 01:04:24,778
Come in and join the fun.
1246
01:04:25,904 --> 01:04:27,577
[Frank groaning]
1247
01:04:28,615 --> 01:04:31,459
What a lovely family,
and they're so happy.
1248
01:04:31,618 --> 01:04:33,916
They're so happy
but so poor, you tightwad!
1249
01:04:34,079 --> 01:04:35,205
[groans]
1250
01:04:35,372 --> 01:04:37,591
I'll check my records.
She may be due for a raise.
1251
01:04:37,749 --> 01:04:39,922
- May be?
- Probably!
1252
01:04:40,085 --> 01:04:41,462
- Probably'?
- Yeah, yeah.
1253
01:04:41,628 --> 01:04:43,221
May be, probably, perhaps?
1254
01:04:43,380 --> 01:04:45,098
I'm almost positive.
1255
01:04:45,256 --> 01:04:47,336
- Get off your brother!
- Get off me. Leave me alone.
1256
01:04:47,384 --> 01:04:49,603
This boy is mine!
1257
01:04:49,761 --> 01:04:50,887
[blowing]
1258
01:04:51,054 --> 01:04:52,556
That looks like fun!
1259
01:04:53,848 --> 01:04:56,818
[laughing]
Cut it out! Stop it! Stop it!
1260
01:04:56,976 --> 01:04:58,148
[all laughing]
1261
01:04:58,311 --> 01:05:01,155
Don't forget to watch the show.
I'm taking Calvin with me, Mama.
1262
01:05:01,314 --> 01:05:02,315
[blowing]
1263
01:05:02,649 --> 01:05:05,198
- More! More!
- Hey, come on, Frank.
1264
01:05:05,360 --> 01:05:07,078
Next stop's downtown!
1265
01:05:07,237 --> 01:05:09,956
[ghost laughing]
1266
01:05:10,115 --> 01:05:11,958
[clattering]
1267
01:05:12,117 --> 01:05:14,870
[groaning]
1268
01:05:15,036 --> 01:05:16,716
- How was your trip, Frank?
- [dog barking]
1269
01:05:16,746 --> 01:05:17,963
A little jump, huh?
1270
01:05:18,540 --> 01:05:19,837
Hi, Cujo.
1271
01:05:19,999 --> 01:05:21,717
[glass shattering]
1272
01:05:21,876 --> 01:05:23,219
Bark! Bark!
1273
01:05:23,962 --> 01:05:25,339
Who is here?
1274
01:05:26,840 --> 01:05:29,468
- What are you barking at out there?
- Go, go.
1275
01:05:29,634 --> 01:05:31,874
You are really crazy.
There's nothing there. Now come on.
1276
01:05:31,970 --> 01:05:33,267
- Come on.
- [music playing]
1277
01:05:33,721 --> 01:05:35,598
All right, let's get down to business.
1278
01:05:35,765 --> 01:05:36,891
I want you to stay here
and I want you to...
1279
01:05:37,058 --> 01:05:41,313
[exclaims]
Oh, my, what a merry feast.
1280
01:05:41,479 --> 01:05:44,574
- It looks like a beer commercial.
- Let's go in.
1281
01:05:44,732 --> 01:05:45,858
[people chattering]
1282
01:05:46,025 --> 01:05:47,698
Don't vex me, Frank,
1283
01:05:47,861 --> 01:05:50,080
or I'll fix your mouth
so it won't hold soap!
1284
01:05:52,073 --> 01:05:55,452
A Christmas party.
I'm so glad I wore my pretty dress.
1285
01:05:55,618 --> 01:05:58,997
"On The Addams Family, what
musical instrument did Lurch play?"
1286
01:05:59,164 --> 01:06:04,045
On... on The Addams Family,
what musical instrument did Lurch play'?
1287
01:06:04,210 --> 01:06:06,963
- [James] Piano.
- I may be invisible but I'm not deaf!
1288
01:06:07,130 --> 01:06:09,974
- OK, OK, we're gonna say piano.
- It was the piano.
1289
01:06:10,133 --> 01:06:11,385
- Harpsichord.
- Harpsichord.
1290
01:06:11,551 --> 01:06:13,178
A harpsichord, James, you dope.
1291
01:06:13,344 --> 01:06:15,813
- Oh, you knew that.
- Everybody knows that.
1292
01:06:16,556 --> 01:06:17,996
- [all muttering]
- It's their house.
1293
01:06:18,141 --> 01:06:20,269
We better give it to them or else
they'll have us hanging Sheetrock.
1294
01:06:20,435 --> 01:06:23,355
You shouldn't have given that to them.
I wouldn't have given that to them.
1295
01:06:23,396 --> 01:06:24,818
- Give it to them.
- James.
1296
01:06:24,981 --> 01:06:26,983
You forgot to open
your brother's present.
1297
01:06:27,150 --> 01:06:29,573
That doesn't look like a towel.
1298
01:06:29,736 --> 01:06:31,033
What did he get for last year?
1299
01:06:31,196 --> 01:06:33,039
- I don't remember.
- I remember.
1300
01:06:33,198 --> 01:06:34,575
A shower curtain!
1301
01:06:34,741 --> 01:06:37,540
It was a beautiful shower curtain.
It was gray with these IBC logos.
1302
01:06:37,702 --> 01:06:39,875
It had little... Yeah!
1303
01:06:40,038 --> 01:06:42,438
- You don't have one.
- Well, what did you get him this year?
1304
01:06:42,624 --> 01:06:43,841
[James] Oh, nothing.
1305
01:06:44,000 --> 01:06:45,547
[yelling]
1306
01:06:45,710 --> 01:06:47,758
I made this picture frame.
1307
01:06:48,254 --> 01:06:50,552
He made it with his own little hands.
1308
01:06:51,549 --> 01:06:52,641
[woman] How sweet.
1309
01:06:52,800 --> 01:06:54,268
I know something you don't know.
1310
01:06:54,427 --> 01:06:57,146
I know something you don't know.
I know something you don't know.
1311
01:06:57,305 --> 01:06:58,557
Shut up!
1312
01:06:58,723 --> 01:06:59,724
[James] Jackpot.
1313
01:07:01,559 --> 01:07:04,438
It's your basic
top-of-the-line Pioneer VCR.
1314
01:07:04,604 --> 01:07:05,605
[an] Wow.
1315
01:07:05,772 --> 01:07:07,820
- I think he made a mistake.
- This ought to work.
1316
01:07:07,982 --> 01:07:09,575
I didn't get the gifts mixed up.
1317
01:07:09,734 --> 01:07:12,954
My ex-secretary got the gifts mixed up.
1318
01:07:13,112 --> 01:07:15,206
You invite him
to Christmas dinner every year
1319
01:07:15,365 --> 01:07:17,493
and every year, he's too busy to come.
1320
01:07:17,659 --> 01:07:19,536
And when are you gonna learn?
1321
01:07:19,911 --> 01:07:21,913
Never. He's... he's my brother.
1322
01:07:22,956 --> 01:07:24,299
[James] A toast...
1323
01:07:25,833 --> 01:07:27,301
...to my brother Frank.
1324
01:07:27,460 --> 01:07:29,713
- I wish he was here.
- Were, goofy.
1325
01:07:30,797 --> 01:07:31,798
You're too good.
1326
01:07:31,965 --> 01:07:34,184
- [woman] To Frank.
- [James] To Frank. Cheers!
1327
01:07:34,342 --> 01:07:36,015
The richest man you know.
1328
01:07:36,177 --> 01:07:37,975
Keep the VCR.
1329
01:07:38,137 --> 01:07:39,605
What the hell.
1330
01:07:40,014 --> 01:07:41,687
It's only money.
1331
01:07:42,475 --> 01:07:46,275
- It's a write-off. It's tax-deductible.
- I understand, Frank.
1332
01:07:46,646 --> 01:07:48,239
- [all chattering]
- I understand.
1333
01:07:48,856 --> 01:07:52,861
OK, "What was the name of the boat that
took them all to Gilligan's Island?"
1334
01:07:53,820 --> 01:07:56,118
This is so easy.
1335
01:07:56,281 --> 01:07:58,409
The Make.
1336
01:07:58,575 --> 01:07:59,827
You gotta know this.
1337
01:07:59,993 --> 01:08:01,540
- S. S. Mackerel.
- No.
1338
01:08:01,703 --> 01:08:03,080
- The fish.
- It's a fish.
1339
01:08:03,246 --> 01:08:04,748
Let's go now, Frank.
1340
01:08:04,914 --> 01:08:06,507
Leave me alone. I know this one.
1341
01:08:06,666 --> 01:08:09,010
Everybody knows this one. Let's go now!
1342
01:08:09,168 --> 01:08:11,512
Oh, yeah?
Does everybody know this one here?
1343
01:08:11,671 --> 01:08:16,518
Oh, Frank, we're fighting again.
Let's not fight anymore!
1344
01:08:16,676 --> 01:08:19,600
Oh, look, Frank. What is it?
1345
01:08:19,762 --> 01:08:20,888
[woman 1] I can't find the card.
1346
01:08:21,055 --> 01:08:23,023
It's a toaster!
1347
01:08:23,182 --> 01:08:24,502
[woman 2] The answer is Mackerel.
1348
01:08:25,059 --> 01:08:26,276
[Frank groans]
1349
01:08:28,855 --> 01:08:30,949
The bitch hit me with a toaster.
1350
01:08:31,107 --> 01:08:34,202
Oh, I love a girl with spirit. Right!
1351
01:08:35,570 --> 01:08:37,038
Well, this is nice.
1352
01:08:37,238 --> 01:08:38,990
Where are we, Trump Tower?
1353
01:08:39,365 --> 01:08:41,367
Ooh, I've seen a little bit of the city.
1354
01:08:41,534 --> 01:08:44,754
Hey, hey, down here! Hey! Down here!
1355
01:08:44,912 --> 01:08:49,042
Hey, you! Hey, Jersey!
Call Streets and Sanitation!
1356
01:08:49,292 --> 01:08:50,794
Wow! Thanks for the shot.
1357
01:08:50,960 --> 01:08:52,507
Hey! Hey!
1358
01:08:52,670 --> 01:08:54,798
Oh, I'm having the weirdest day!
1359
01:08:54,964 --> 01:08:56,386
Cop!
1360
01:08:56,716 --> 01:08:59,265
Hey, cop! Help me, please!
1361
01:09:13,816 --> 01:09:15,443
[laughs]
1362
01:09:16,986 --> 01:09:18,408
Herman!
1363
01:09:19,489 --> 01:09:20,490
Herman!
1364
01:09:21,074 --> 01:09:22,747
Coffee's on me. Come here.
1365
01:09:23,576 --> 01:09:26,671
Jesus, give me a happy ending here,
Herm. Come on, man.
1366
01:09:36,756 --> 01:09:39,009
Herman, it's Dick.
1367
01:09:41,260 --> 01:09:42,637
Liz says hi.
1368
01:09:46,808 --> 01:09:48,606
Jeez, maybe I should've given you
the two bucks, huh?
1369
01:09:48,768 --> 01:09:49,769
[laughing]
1370
01:09:51,437 --> 01:09:52,780
Herm.
1371
01:09:52,939 --> 01:09:55,567
["Jingle Bells" playing on watch]
1372
01:09:57,735 --> 01:09:59,328
You moron!
1373
01:10:00,446 --> 01:10:01,572
You jerk!
1374
01:10:02,740 --> 01:10:06,119
Why didn't you stay at Claire's?
Why didn't you stay with Claire?
1375
01:10:06,285 --> 01:10:07,628
She would have taken care of you!
1376
01:10:07,787 --> 01:10:09,664
You would have eaten!
You would have been warm!
1377
01:10:09,831 --> 01:10:11,333
You might be alive!
1378
01:10:11,499 --> 01:10:14,252
You'd be a prettier color,
I'll tell you that!
1379
01:10:17,672 --> 01:10:20,425
OK, is there a way
to get out of here, Herman?
1380
01:10:28,641 --> 01:10:30,359
It's the door, isn't it?
1381
01:10:33,563 --> 01:10:34,780
[banging on door]
1382
01:10:36,065 --> 01:10:37,408
It is the door, isn't it?
1383
01:10:38,151 --> 01:10:39,653
It's the door!
1384
01:10:39,819 --> 01:10:41,162
[whooping]
1385
01:10:41,320 --> 01:10:42,947
It had to be the door
1386
01:10:43,114 --> 01:10:46,334
'cause it's the only place
that doesn't smell like urine!
1387
01:10:52,457 --> 01:10:54,255
Oh, shit!
1388
01:10:54,876 --> 01:10:56,128
- [crashing]
- What's going on up there?
1389
01:10:56,294 --> 01:10:58,012
Paul, where are you, kid? I need you.
1390
01:10:58,171 --> 01:10:59,263
[Grace] Jesus Christ, hang on a second.
1391
01:10:59,422 --> 01:11:02,471
Hey, you! Joker!
Hey, get off the set, will you?
1392
01:11:02,759 --> 01:11:04,682
- [Brice] Hey!
- Yeah, we see you, pal.
1393
01:11:04,844 --> 01:11:06,346
Get off the set!
1394
01:11:06,679 --> 01:11:09,182
- Oh, my God!
- It's Mr. Cross!
1395
01:11:09,348 --> 01:11:12,568
Hey, Frank, we've been looking
all over for you, buddy.
1396
01:11:12,727 --> 01:11:14,695
Frank. Come on, Frank.
Frank, Frank.
1397
01:11:14,854 --> 01:11:15,980
I was worried about you.
1398
01:11:16,147 --> 01:11:17,227
Just like Errol Flynn, huh?
1399
01:11:17,315 --> 01:11:18,908
- No, he's OK.
- [Brice] Very funny.
1400
01:11:19,066 --> 01:11:21,865
Come on. You go upstairs to your office.
Kind of supervise things.
1401
01:11:22,028 --> 01:11:23,748
You can check up
the satellite linkups, huh?
1402
01:11:23,821 --> 01:11:25,915
- Brice, we got three minutes till air.
- I know how much time we got.
1403
01:11:26,073 --> 01:11:28,872
I just want to say, uh,
break a leg, everybody.
1404
01:11:29,535 --> 01:11:31,003
I feel real weird about tonight.
1405
01:11:31,162 --> 01:11:34,462
Yeah, do you hear that, folks? OK,
this one's for Frank. This is his baby.
1406
01:11:34,624 --> 01:11:36,171
Come on, come on, come on.
1407
01:11:36,334 --> 01:11:38,462
Don't lose it on me, huh? Come on.
1408
01:11:38,628 --> 01:11:42,678
You know, it has been such an honor
to work for the great Frank Cross.
1409
01:11:42,840 --> 01:11:45,844
I'm gonna dine out on this for months.
You know what I'm saying?
1410
01:11:46,010 --> 01:11:47,887
Now I want Grace
to take you upstairs now
1411
01:11:48,054 --> 01:11:51,058
where I think things might just be
a little safer than down here... OK?
1412
01:11:51,224 --> 01:11:54,319
You're beautiful, Frank.
Got any last tips for me, huh?
1413
01:11:56,312 --> 01:11:57,313
[screaming]
1414
01:11:57,480 --> 01:12:00,950
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Grace, go watch the show.
1415
01:12:01,108 --> 01:12:03,577
He's here for me! Come on!
All right, come on! Give it to me!
1416
01:12:03,736 --> 01:12:06,831
You think I'm afraid of you,
the day I've had?
1417
01:12:06,989 --> 01:12:11,244
I know what you came for.
Come and get it, you pussy.
1418
01:12:11,410 --> 01:12:14,084
- Brice!
- Stop scaring Frank.
1419
01:12:14,622 --> 01:12:16,545
- Get this nutcake out of here.
- [actor] Who is that guy?
1420
01:12:16,707 --> 01:12:18,300
- Oh, Jesus.
- We got a show to do.
1421
01:12:18,459 --> 01:12:22,259
He's in the show, Mr. Cross,
as the Ghost of Christmas Future.
1422
01:12:24,757 --> 01:12:25,929
He's great.
1423
01:12:26,342 --> 01:12:28,515
That guy is gonna be a big star.
1424
01:12:28,678 --> 01:12:31,358
All right, go watch the show.
We're making history tonight, I think.
1425
01:12:32,098 --> 01:12:33,520
[man 1] OK, video...
1426
01:12:33,683 --> 01:12:35,560
[man 2] Five seconds till we open on B.
1427
01:12:35,726 --> 01:12:37,649
- Then we go live.
- [man 3] Right.
1428
01:12:44,402 --> 01:12:46,404
God bless us, every one!
1429
01:12:51,075 --> 01:12:53,123
Tonight, live on IBC,
1430
01:12:53,286 --> 01:12:55,664
the world premiere telecast
of a Christmas classic,
1431
01:12:55,830 --> 01:12:58,083
Charles Dickens' immortal Scrooge.
1432
01:13:11,554 --> 01:13:13,394
- [man] Ready to roll B.
- B on the bell tower.
1433
01:13:13,514 --> 01:13:15,687
- Don't screw up...
- Roll tape B.
1434
01:13:15,850 --> 01:13:16,942
Hold there, three.
1435
01:13:18,269 --> 01:13:19,816
All right, coming up on three.
1436
01:13:19,979 --> 01:13:22,152
Three, two, one. Dissolve it.
1437
01:13:22,315 --> 01:13:24,075
- And dancing.
- [man 1] Right where you are.
1438
01:13:24,108 --> 01:13:27,237
[man 2] Slow pullout on three.
Slow pullout on three.
1439
01:13:27,403 --> 01:13:29,826
[man 3] Down on Houseman, lights up.
Ready, mic him in.
1440
01:13:29,989 --> 01:13:33,334
It was a cold, bleak Christmas Eve.
1441
01:13:33,492 --> 01:13:35,995
The fog-draped streets of London...
1442
01:13:36,203 --> 01:13:38,752
Oh, you've got Houseman.
I think he's wonderful.
1443
01:13:38,915 --> 01:13:40,883
- Give me the beer.
- Yes, sir.
1444
01:13:41,208 --> 01:13:43,677
...a phantom through the dingy mist.
1445
01:13:44,003 --> 01:13:46,176
Old Ebenezer Scrooge,
1446
01:13:46,714 --> 01:13:49,217
alone in his gloomy chambers...
1447
01:13:49,383 --> 01:13:51,543
We'll make that move as soon as
we get off of Houseman.
1448
01:13:51,594 --> 01:13:53,642
Coming to camera three live.
Dissolve three.
1449
01:13:54,805 --> 01:13:57,228
- What have we here?
- They're dormice, Uncle.
1450
01:13:57,391 --> 01:13:58,893
[squeaking]
1451
01:13:59,060 --> 01:14:00,903
Dormice? Dormice?
1452
01:14:01,062 --> 01:14:02,484
You see? Works like a charm.
1453
01:14:02,647 --> 01:14:04,240
- [actor 1] What do they do?
- [actor 2] They bring you luck.
1454
01:14:04,398 --> 01:14:05,570
Are you lucky?
1455
01:14:05,733 --> 01:14:09,328
Sir, I believe I am.
I've got your niece for my wife.
1456
01:14:09,487 --> 01:14:12,206
I've got a good job,
and it's the holidays, sir.
1457
01:14:12,657 --> 01:14:14,204
Holiday, is it?
1458
01:14:14,408 --> 01:14:17,002
You have my niece for a wife all right.
1459
01:14:17,161 --> 01:14:20,506
Do you have my job too?
That's the luck.
1460
01:14:22,333 --> 01:14:25,337
"To Frank,
the best brother a guy ever had.
1461
01:14:27,088 --> 01:14:28,556
Merry Christmas."
1462
01:14:29,632 --> 01:14:30,884
[sighing]
1463
01:14:31,050 --> 01:14:33,348
[people singing on TV]
I When the snow lay round about
1464
01:14:33,511 --> 01:14:35,479
♪ Deep and crisp and even
1465
01:14:35,638 --> 01:14:38,437
♪ Brightly shone the moon that night
1466
01:14:38,766 --> 01:14:41,064
♪ Though the frost was cruel
1467
01:14:41,227 --> 01:14:43,605
♪ When a poor man came in sight
1468
01:14:43,771 --> 01:14:47,742
♪ Gathering winter fuel I'
1469
01:14:48,818 --> 01:14:51,571
This is indeed a night for revelation.
1470
01:14:51,946 --> 01:14:54,665
Thank you for showing me
the true meaning.
1471
01:14:54,824 --> 01:14:56,747
Thank me not, Ebenezer,
1472
01:14:56,909 --> 01:15:01,005
for soon you shall be visited
by the final spirit.
1473
01:15:01,163 --> 01:15:05,134
The thing that all men fear the most.
1474
01:15:05,292 --> 01:15:07,841
The Ghost of Christmas Future.
1475
01:15:08,295 --> 01:15:09,763
[Ebenezer] Oh, thank you, sir.
1476
01:15:10,339 --> 01:15:12,808
I'll be so good. I'll repent.
1477
01:15:12,967 --> 01:15:13,968
[chattering]
1478
01:15:14,135 --> 01:15:15,978
[mumbling]
1479
01:15:34,196 --> 01:15:36,449
Honey, I'm home!
1480
01:15:40,453 --> 01:15:41,973
- Oh, boy!
- [Eliot] Remember me, boss?
1481
01:15:42,121 --> 01:15:44,795
The guy you canned
the day before Christmas?
1482
01:15:45,624 --> 01:15:47,126
Merry Christmas!
1483
01:15:48,627 --> 01:15:50,675
Hello, wabbit.
[cackling]
1484
01:15:50,838 --> 01:15:52,198
Would you give me a running start?
1485
01:15:52,256 --> 01:15:56,602
Sure. 1,001, 1,002, 1,003.
1486
01:15:58,804 --> 01:16:01,398
My God! My babies!
1487
01:16:02,183 --> 01:16:03,230
[exclaiming]
1488
01:16:04,143 --> 01:16:06,646
[yells]
1489
01:16:09,023 --> 01:16:11,151
♪ Oh, you better watch out
1490
01:16:11,317 --> 01:16:13,740
Can't you get back to me on this
after the holidays?
1491
01:16:13,903 --> 01:16:15,075
I've had a bad day.
1492
01:16:15,237 --> 01:16:17,239
You've had a bad day'?
1493
01:16:17,406 --> 01:16:21,536
Let me tell you a little bit about
my day! I got fired! My wife left me!
1494
01:16:22,661 --> 01:16:25,460
She took our little baby daughter...
1495
01:16:26,415 --> 01:16:27,416
...with her.
1496
01:16:28,918 --> 01:16:33,298
I can't recall much after that
because ever since then, I've been
1497
01:16:33,464 --> 01:16:36,968
blind, stinking drunk!
1498
01:16:38,677 --> 01:16:41,851
♪ He sees you when you're sleeping
1499
01:16:42,014 --> 01:16:43,607
You gotta believe me, Eliot!
1500
01:16:43,766 --> 01:16:46,394
I'm having a much worse day
than you are!
1501
01:16:46,560 --> 01:16:47,732
Much worse! Really!
1502
01:16:48,979 --> 01:16:51,823
♪ He knows if you've been bad
1503
01:16:54,360 --> 01:16:57,455
♪ So be good, for goodness' sake
1504
01:16:57,613 --> 01:17:00,708
♪ Oh, he's making a list
1505
01:17:00,866 --> 01:17:02,914
♪ He's checking it twice
1506
01:17:03,327 --> 01:17:05,170
♪ Gonna find out
1507
01:17:05,329 --> 01:17:07,502
♪ Who's naughty or nice
1508
01:17:08,040 --> 01:17:11,544
♪ Santa Claus is coming
1509
01:17:12,294 --> 01:17:13,921
- [screaming]
- ♪ To town ♪
1510
01:17:16,382 --> 01:17:17,382
[grunts]
1511
01:17:18,759 --> 01:17:19,976
[screams]
1512
01:17:21,554 --> 01:17:23,602
It's you. Creep.
1513
01:17:24,014 --> 01:17:26,494
God. Aren't you supposed to be
in the studio? We're on the air.
1514
01:17:26,600 --> 01:17:28,022
Hey, back off, big man.
1515
01:17:28,185 --> 01:17:30,438
That may work with the chicks
but not with me.
1516
01:17:30,604 --> 01:17:32,322
Is this straight?
1517
01:17:32,481 --> 01:17:34,779
[muffled chattering]
1518
01:17:34,942 --> 01:17:35,943
May I?
1519
01:17:36,110 --> 01:17:38,738
[growling]
1520
01:17:41,866 --> 01:17:44,494
[growling]
1521
01:17:47,246 --> 01:17:48,418
Did our people do that?
1522
01:17:49,081 --> 01:17:51,083
We're gonna get phone calls.
1523
01:18:14,190 --> 01:18:16,033
Visiting hours are over, Mrs. Cooley.
1524
01:18:18,861 --> 01:18:21,865
- I just got here.
- I know but we have to go.
1525
01:18:25,159 --> 01:18:27,036
Merry Christmas, Calvin.
1526
01:18:31,498 --> 01:18:32,795
[Grace] I'll see you.
1527
01:18:35,836 --> 01:18:36,837
[doorknob rattling]
1528
01:18:43,302 --> 01:18:47,102
Now, this is just possible future,
right? I mean, this is doable.
1529
01:18:47,264 --> 01:18:49,687
I know the head of pediatrics at NYU.
1530
01:18:49,850 --> 01:18:51,898
We can get this kid out of here
right away.
1531
01:18:52,061 --> 01:18:53,153
This is not a problem.
1532
01:18:53,312 --> 01:18:55,030
I'm all over this. Don't worry about it!
1533
01:19:01,320 --> 01:19:02,947
[woman laughing]
1534
01:19:04,365 --> 01:19:05,366
Will you look at that?
1535
01:19:06,617 --> 01:19:08,244
Where did they come from?
1536
01:19:08,410 --> 01:19:10,083
Hey, you! Beat it!
1537
01:19:10,246 --> 01:19:11,418
- Please.
- Please.
1538
01:19:11,580 --> 01:19:13,173
- Gilles.
- Madame?
1539
01:19:13,332 --> 01:19:15,334
Will you look at that?
Look at those filthy little creatures.
1540
01:19:15,501 --> 01:19:18,345
- Immédiatement.
- Oh, Claire! Claire!
1541
01:19:18,504 --> 01:19:22,054
Claire! Claire!
Claire, they're just children.
1542
01:19:22,216 --> 01:19:25,220
Please, darling, don't tell me.
1543
01:19:26,345 --> 01:19:31,226
I wasted 20 years of my life
on pathetic little creatures like those.
1544
01:19:32,184 --> 01:19:34,983
Finally, thank God,
a friend of mine said to me,
1545
01:19:36,689 --> 01:19:38,691
"Scrape them off, Claire.
1546
01:19:38,857 --> 01:19:40,655
You wanna save somebody,
1547
01:19:41,360 --> 01:19:42,907
save yourself."
1548
01:19:44,280 --> 01:19:45,907
I'm sorry, Claire.
1549
01:19:46,532 --> 01:19:48,284
Thanks a lot, Lumpy.
1550
01:19:54,540 --> 01:19:56,884
That was a lousy thing to do.
1551
01:20:05,301 --> 01:20:06,678
Disneyland?
1552
01:20:31,535 --> 01:20:32,536
Wendie!
1553
01:20:34,496 --> 01:20:35,497
Oh, no.
1554
01:20:36,248 --> 01:20:38,501
James, my brother.
1555
01:20:39,752 --> 01:20:41,049
He's dead.
1556
01:20:41,962 --> 01:20:44,056
Why did this have to happen?
1557
01:20:48,135 --> 01:20:50,809
Well, when I get back I'm...
I'm gonna...
1558
01:20:52,181 --> 01:20:53,683
Well, there he is! James!
1559
01:20:57,519 --> 01:20:58,520
Who's in there?
1560
01:20:58,687 --> 01:21:00,815
"The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not want.
1561
01:21:00,981 --> 01:21:03,154
He maketh me lie down
in green pastures.
1562
01:21:03,317 --> 01:21:07,117
He leadeth me in the paths
of righteousness for his name's sake."
1563
01:21:07,780 --> 01:21:10,283
What the hell
is this that you're saying?
1564
01:21:10,449 --> 01:21:12,122
What? That I've died?
1565
01:21:19,041 --> 01:21:21,401
Why are you showing me this stuff?
I can't do anything dead!
1566
01:21:21,502 --> 01:21:24,301
Why the hell did you bother
to show me this stuff?
1567
01:21:25,672 --> 01:21:26,798
James, help me.
1568
01:21:29,134 --> 01:21:31,102
No. Oh, no.
1569
01:21:31,261 --> 01:21:33,309
Please don't let them burn me, James.
1570
01:21:34,807 --> 01:21:38,528
Jimmy, don't let them burn me!
Please don't let them burn me!
1571
01:21:39,144 --> 01:21:41,693
I'm in here! Oh, God!
1572
01:21:42,523 --> 01:21:44,321
Don't let them do it!
1573
01:21:45,317 --> 01:21:48,321
Don't let them do it!
Don't let them! I'm in here!
1574
01:21:48,487 --> 01:21:49,488
[screaming]
1575
01:21:49,655 --> 01:21:50,952
Mom!
1576
01:21:51,782 --> 01:21:54,956
God, I want to live! I want to live!
1577
01:21:55,369 --> 01:21:58,669
Oh, God, I wanna live! Help!
1578
01:21:59,373 --> 01:22:00,841
I wanna live!
1579
01:22:01,708 --> 01:22:03,130
I wanna live!
1580
01:22:04,128 --> 01:22:05,425
I'm alive!
1581
01:22:05,587 --> 01:22:06,759
♪ Hallelujah I'
1582
01:22:06,922 --> 01:22:09,050
Holy shit, what a break!
1583
01:22:09,591 --> 01:22:11,093
I'm at work!
1584
01:22:11,552 --> 01:22:13,475
Oh, God, it's the sun!
1585
01:22:13,637 --> 01:22:15,856
I never thought
I'd see the sun again!
1586
01:22:16,014 --> 01:22:18,108
- I'm alive!
- Not for long.
1587
01:22:18,767 --> 01:22:20,565
Milkman!
1588
01:22:22,646 --> 01:22:24,193
I'm the Woodstock baby!
1589
01:22:24,356 --> 01:22:26,108
I'm gonna start with you.
1590
01:22:27,025 --> 01:22:28,026
[smacking]
1591
01:22:28,193 --> 01:22:29,713
You're one of my favorites. Come here!
1592
01:22:29,862 --> 01:22:33,366
♪ I'm alive and so are you I'
1593
01:22:33,532 --> 01:22:37,457
Hey, you glad to see me,
or is this a shotgun in your pocket?
1594
01:22:37,619 --> 01:22:40,463
- [shotgun firing]
- OK. You've heard it. Come on.
1595
01:22:41,915 --> 01:22:43,007
Great!
1596
01:22:43,625 --> 01:22:47,346
- Don't hurt me.
- We're alive! Pink side! Coming back!
1597
01:22:47,504 --> 01:22:48,847
Long sole!
1598
01:22:49,006 --> 01:22:51,179
- You know this one?
- [blowing]
1599
01:22:51,341 --> 01:22:53,935
That's my thing.
I'm going to be doing this to everybody.
1600
01:22:54,094 --> 01:22:55,937
- [chuckles]
- All right, here's the deal.
1601
01:22:57,055 --> 01:22:58,975
I'll hire you back
at twice your original salary.
1602
01:22:59,558 --> 01:23:01,435
I'll make you my vice president
in charge of programming
1603
01:23:01,602 --> 01:23:03,195
and I'll give you an office up here.
1604
01:23:03,353 --> 01:23:05,902
- Would you like my office?
- No, I don't like your office.
1605
01:23:06,064 --> 01:23:07,064
[laughs]
1606
01:23:07,983 --> 01:23:09,235
That's so you!
1607
01:23:09,401 --> 01:23:10,903
What's the catch?
1608
01:23:11,069 --> 01:23:14,243
The catch is that
you gotta take a shower, little man.
1609
01:23:14,406 --> 01:23:16,283
You are ripe, whoa!
1610
01:23:16,450 --> 01:23:17,918
There's a problem here.
1611
01:23:18,076 --> 01:23:21,671
I was looking
for a Francis Xavier Cross.
1612
01:23:21,830 --> 01:23:24,299
That's me, but the great thing is,
1613
01:23:24,458 --> 01:23:26,176
it's not me!
1614
01:23:26,335 --> 01:23:30,056
The Jews taught me this great word,
schmuck.
1615
01:23:30,422 --> 01:23:32,720
I was a schmuck. And now...
1616
01:23:33,383 --> 01:23:35,101
...I'm not a schmuck.
1617
01:23:35,594 --> 01:23:38,643
- [clock chiming]
- Wait a minute! What time is it?
1618
01:23:39,306 --> 01:23:41,775
- Somebody stole my watch.
- It's a quarter to.
1619
01:23:41,934 --> 01:23:42,935
We didn't miss it!
1620
01:23:43,101 --> 01:23:45,274
[laughing] We didn't miss it!
1621
01:23:45,437 --> 01:23:46,797
- We didn't miss what?
- Christmas.
1622
01:23:46,897 --> 01:23:48,240
Merry Christmas!
1623
01:23:49,233 --> 01:23:50,234
[Frank whooping]
1624
01:23:50,400 --> 01:23:51,400
Are you alone in there?
1625
01:23:52,528 --> 01:23:53,700
We're gonna have some fun.
1626
01:23:53,862 --> 01:23:56,866
You and I are going to have some fun
for once in this life.
1627
01:23:57,032 --> 01:23:59,160
Loudermilk and Cross together!
1628
01:24:00,911 --> 01:24:03,289
My, what a glorious day.
1629
01:24:03,455 --> 01:24:05,753
There has never been such a day.
1630
01:24:06,625 --> 01:24:08,468
Say, there! You lad.
1631
01:24:08,627 --> 01:24:10,846
Yes, sir? Are you talking to me?
1632
01:24:11,004 --> 01:24:12,756
And take three.
1633
01:24:12,923 --> 01:24:14,220
[actor] Yes, indeed!
1634
01:24:14,633 --> 01:24:16,101
Buy me a goose.
1635
01:24:16,552 --> 01:24:19,146
The biggest goose in all of London.
1636
01:24:19,304 --> 01:24:21,978
Camera three,
follow the coin all the way down.
1637
01:24:23,517 --> 01:24:24,939
Oh, I got it!
1638
01:24:25,936 --> 01:24:27,358
Holy shit, that's Frank Cross!
1639
01:24:27,521 --> 01:24:29,023
- He's drunk!
- He's nuts!
1640
01:24:29,648 --> 01:24:30,900
He's finished.
1641
01:24:31,400 --> 01:24:32,572
[screaming]
1642
01:24:32,734 --> 01:24:33,735
Shut up!
1643
01:24:34,152 --> 01:24:36,655
Don't touch that dial and stay on him.
1644
01:24:36,989 --> 01:24:38,229
- What's your name, son?
- Mike.
1645
01:24:38,365 --> 01:24:39,925
Mike, say hello
to your folks, will you?
1646
01:24:40,033 --> 01:24:41,034
Hi.
1647
01:24:41,201 --> 01:24:43,579
Mike is doing a great job here
for us tonight. Thank you.
1648
01:24:43,745 --> 01:24:45,873
- That's Frank Cross.
- [Frank] I am...
1649
01:24:46,039 --> 01:24:49,134
- ls he supposed to be in the show?
- What in the...
1650
01:24:49,293 --> 01:24:51,341
Good evening and merry Christmas.
1651
01:24:51,503 --> 01:24:53,505
Uh, with me in the booth
is Eliot Loudermilk.
1652
01:24:53,672 --> 01:24:55,925
- Eliot, how are we doing up there?
- Open his mic.
1653
01:24:57,217 --> 01:24:58,469
[Eliot] Wonderful! But, um,
1654
01:24:58,635 --> 01:25:00,555
I don't think
you're gonna be president tomorrow.
1655
01:25:01,096 --> 01:25:04,521
At least I am the president,
uh, of the network tonight.
1656
01:25:04,683 --> 01:25:06,026
Tomorrow morning I may not be.
1657
01:25:06,184 --> 01:25:09,233
You can bet
your Aunt Suzy's ash can on that!
1658
01:25:09,396 --> 01:25:13,902
So, what are you doing
watching television on Christmas Eve?
1659
01:25:14,067 --> 01:25:16,365
They're paying your salary, you ass!
1660
01:25:16,528 --> 01:25:19,452
[Frank] And what kind of
a rat bastard idiot
1661
01:25:19,615 --> 01:25:22,789
would schedule a live show
on a Christmas Eve?
1662
01:25:22,951 --> 01:25:24,123
Only you, Frank.
1663
01:25:24,286 --> 01:25:25,378
[chuckles]
1664
01:25:25,537 --> 01:25:28,791
You know, a week ago, I'd have kicked
your butt right out of the building.
1665
01:25:28,957 --> 01:25:32,131
But you know something?
He's absolutely right.
1666
01:25:32,544 --> 01:25:36,674
You are looking at a guy
who told someone today
1667
01:25:36,923 --> 01:25:40,177
to staple antlers to a mouse's head
1668
01:25:40,344 --> 01:25:41,891
to further my career.
1669
01:25:42,054 --> 01:25:44,728
How many of you people
have got the brass cojones
1670
01:25:44,890 --> 01:25:46,187
to try something like that?
1671
01:25:48,143 --> 01:25:49,360
Follow him. Follow him. Stay with him.
1672
01:25:49,519 --> 01:25:51,112
I don't know where he's going.
1673
01:25:51,271 --> 01:25:52,944
[Frank] All of these people, I'm sure,
have incredible families.
1674
01:25:53,106 --> 01:25:54,699
But I have...
1675
01:25:54,858 --> 01:25:57,281
Look, I got a great brother.
Look at this guy here.
1676
01:25:57,444 --> 01:25:59,446
My brother, James.
Look how cute he was back then.
1677
01:25:59,613 --> 01:26:00,785
[all exclaiming]
1678
01:26:00,947 --> 01:26:02,415
[Frank] He's lots bigger now.
1679
01:26:02,574 --> 01:26:04,372
And look at me with the ears,
1680
01:26:04,534 --> 01:26:06,707
the taxi driving down the street
with the doors open.
1681
01:26:06,870 --> 01:26:08,247
Thank God my hair grew in, huh?
1682
01:26:08,413 --> 01:26:09,790
Not yet.
1683
01:26:09,956 --> 01:26:12,254
I got this for Christmas today from him.
1684
01:26:12,417 --> 01:26:14,135
I gave him a towel.
1685
01:26:14,753 --> 01:26:16,972
The VCR is from Grace, James.
1686
01:26:19,925 --> 01:26:22,098
You were right about everything, OK?
1687
01:26:23,804 --> 01:26:24,976
Except...
1688
01:26:27,432 --> 01:26:28,979
the S. S. Minnow, James.
1689
01:26:29,142 --> 01:26:32,021
What was the ship that brought them all
to Gilligan's Island?
1690
01:26:32,187 --> 01:26:33,530
The S. S. Minnow.
1691
01:26:34,272 --> 01:26:36,274
No points this round, James.
1692
01:26:36,608 --> 01:26:37,609
- Shit.
- What?
1693
01:26:37,776 --> 01:26:40,495
- Wait a minute.
- How did he know we were playing that?
1694
01:26:40,654 --> 01:26:41,871
Hello, Wendie.
1695
01:26:44,658 --> 01:26:46,001
[ringing]
1696
01:26:46,159 --> 01:26:47,160
Ouch.
1697
01:26:47,327 --> 01:26:49,500
Hello, um, control room!
How can I help you?
1698
01:26:49,663 --> 01:26:51,040
This is Rhinelander.
1699
01:26:51,206 --> 01:26:54,176
I want to talk to the idiot
who put that moron on the air.
1700
01:26:54,334 --> 01:26:57,087
Oh, um, Brice Cummings
is the idiot, sir.
1701
01:26:57,254 --> 01:27:00,633
But he can't talk to you right now
'cause he's tied up.
1702
01:27:01,717 --> 01:27:02,718
Uh-huh.
1703
01:27:02,884 --> 01:27:06,730
Yes, in fact, he just said that
you were a flatulating butthead-.
1704
01:27:06,888 --> 01:27:08,014
A butthead?
1705
01:27:08,181 --> 01:27:10,400
He said he never felt that way
about a man before
1706
01:27:10,559 --> 01:27:12,778
but he really liked you
in a certain way...
1707
01:27:12,936 --> 01:27:14,654
- [mumbling]
- [cat yowling]
1708
01:27:15,522 --> 01:27:16,774
Oh.
1709
01:27:17,482 --> 01:27:20,782
Whoa, I dropped her! Just kidding.
She's a doll. It's OK.
1710
01:27:20,944 --> 01:27:22,070
[all laughing]
1711
01:27:22,237 --> 01:27:25,286
It's all right. It's a party.
Come on, it's Christmas Eve!
1712
01:27:25,449 --> 01:27:26,826
- [all cheering]
- Lighten up a little bit.
1713
01:27:26,992 --> 01:27:30,041
Billy, we are gonna need champagne
for 250 people.
1714
01:27:30,203 --> 01:27:33,002
And please send the stuff
that you send to me.
1715
01:27:33,165 --> 01:27:35,085
Don't send the stuff
that I send to other people.
1716
01:27:35,167 --> 01:27:37,920
You know, it's not too late
on Christmas Eve to have fun.
1717
01:27:38,086 --> 01:27:40,134
You can call people
that you haven't seen.
1718
01:27:40,297 --> 01:27:41,640
You can call a college roommate,
1719
01:27:41,798 --> 01:27:43,800
you can call, you know,
an old army buddy.
1720
01:27:43,967 --> 01:27:45,184
Keep that tape rolling.
1721
01:27:45,343 --> 01:27:46,703
You can call your personal banker.
1722
01:27:47,095 --> 01:27:50,941
Hey! I don't hear any partying
in that booth, Eliot!
1723
01:27:51,099 --> 01:27:52,271
Great!
1724
01:27:54,770 --> 01:27:55,987
You heard him! Party!
1725
01:27:56,146 --> 01:27:57,568
Now, why wasn't I invited?
1726
01:27:57,731 --> 01:28:00,780
Now that was just an innocent window,
and you saw what I did to that.
1727
01:28:01,359 --> 01:28:02,736
You know who you're dealing with?
1728
01:28:02,903 --> 01:28:06,203
I mean, it's a night.
You've got to party hearty, Marty.
1729
01:28:06,364 --> 01:28:08,833
Look at this. Check this out.
1730
01:28:09,743 --> 01:28:11,290
Don't be so mean.
1731
01:28:11,953 --> 01:28:14,376
Look at this. There's a rule.
1732
01:28:14,539 --> 01:28:18,885
There's a tradition that says
I have to kiss this girl on the lips.
1733
01:28:19,127 --> 01:28:21,255
Well, she's just upholding the law.
1734
01:28:21,421 --> 01:28:24,550
It's a federal law actually,
it's not just a state thing.
1735
01:28:26,301 --> 01:28:27,302
[all hooting]
1736
01:28:27,469 --> 01:28:28,766
Great, Frankie!
1737
01:28:31,723 --> 01:28:34,192
- [man 1] All right!
- [man 2] I love it!
1738
01:28:34,351 --> 01:28:35,728
- [man 3] Right on, Frank.
- [man 4] Way to go.
1739
01:28:35,894 --> 01:28:38,818
- Here, Mr. Cummings.
- [groans]
1740
01:28:38,980 --> 01:28:41,199
Boy, that was very good.
1741
01:28:41,817 --> 01:28:42,909
But you know what?
1742
01:28:43,068 --> 01:28:44,866
It wasn't great.
1743
01:28:45,904 --> 01:28:47,372
There has only been one great.
1744
01:28:49,825 --> 01:28:52,704
There is a girl
that I wish I were with tonight.
1745
01:28:52,869 --> 01:28:55,713
It's a girl
that I loved a long time ago.
1746
01:28:57,916 --> 01:28:59,668
A girl that I still love.
1747
01:29:00,126 --> 01:29:03,505
It's Christmas Eve.
It's not too late, is it?
1748
01:29:05,340 --> 01:29:06,933
Claire, do you remember?
1749
01:29:07,092 --> 01:29:09,845
- [all cheering]
- Remember the Kama Sutra, page 19?
1750
01:29:10,011 --> 01:29:11,888
Legs around like this,
then this thing here.
1751
01:29:12,055 --> 01:29:14,899
You circle me chanting,
burning incense, before we begin.
1752
01:29:15,058 --> 01:29:16,150
[all hooting]
1753
01:29:16,309 --> 01:29:18,437
Remember I said it ain't possible?
1754
01:29:18,603 --> 01:29:20,981
Tonight I think we could do this without
1755
01:29:21,147 --> 01:29:24,401
serious physical
or psychological damage.
1756
01:29:24,901 --> 01:29:26,278
[Claire] Taxi!
1757
01:29:29,197 --> 01:29:31,450
Can you get me to the IBC building
in three minutes?
1758
01:29:31,616 --> 01:29:33,084
Which floor?
1759
01:29:33,869 --> 01:29:35,291
[Frank] I Deck the halls
with boughs of holly
1760
01:29:35,453 --> 01:29:36,796
♪ Fa la la la la la la la la
1761
01:29:36,955 --> 01:29:39,959
♪ Tis the season to be jolly
Fa la la la la la la la la
1762
01:29:40,125 --> 01:29:43,174
♪ Don we now our gay apparel
Fa la la la la la la la la
1763
01:29:43,336 --> 01:29:46,966
♪ Troll the ancient Yuletide carol
Fa la la la la la la la la
1764
01:29:47,132 --> 01:29:53,139
♪ Fa la la la la la la la la ♪'
1765
01:29:56,641 --> 01:29:58,439
We should be taping this.
1766
01:29:58,602 --> 01:30:00,604
[all laughing]
1767
01:30:02,230 --> 01:30:03,732
Now, how did that happen?
1768
01:30:03,899 --> 01:30:06,743
That happened because
it's Christmas Eve. I'm telling you!
1769
01:30:06,902 --> 01:30:08,370
I'm not crazy.
1770
01:30:08,737 --> 01:30:09,738
It's Christmas Eve!
1771
01:30:09,905 --> 01:30:13,660
It's... it's the one night of the year
when we all act a little nicer,
1772
01:30:13,825 --> 01:30:16,374
we smile a little easier,
1773
01:30:16,536 --> 01:30:19,039
we cheer a little more.
1774
01:30:19,497 --> 01:30:22,091
For a couple of hours
out of the whole year,
1775
01:30:22,250 --> 01:30:25,845
we are the people
that we always hoped we would be.
1776
01:30:26,630 --> 01:30:28,507
It's a miracle.
1777
01:30:28,673 --> 01:30:30,471
It's really a sort of a miracle
1778
01:30:30,634 --> 01:30:32,932
because it happens
every Christmas Eve.
1779
01:30:33,178 --> 01:30:36,523
And if you waste that miracle,
you're gonna burn for it.
1780
01:30:36,681 --> 01:30:38,604
I know what I'm talking about.
1781
01:30:38,767 --> 01:30:41,486
You have to do something.
You have to take a chance.
1782
01:30:41,645 --> 01:30:44,319
You do have to get involved.
There are people that are having...
1783
01:30:44,481 --> 01:30:46,575
...having trouble making
their miracle happen.
1784
01:30:46,733 --> 01:30:48,573
There are people
that don't have enough to eat.
1785
01:30:48,610 --> 01:30:49,850
There are people that are cold.
1786
01:30:49,945 --> 01:30:52,243
You can go out and say hello
to these people.
1787
01:30:52,405 --> 01:30:55,329
You can take an old blanket
out of the closet and say, "Here."
1788
01:30:55,492 --> 01:30:58,166
You can make them a sandwich
and say, "Oh, by the way, here."
1789
01:30:58,328 --> 01:31:00,296
I get it now!
1790
01:31:00,622 --> 01:31:02,670
And if you... if you give,
1791
01:31:03,458 --> 01:31:06,587
then it can happen.
Then the miracle can happen to you!
1792
01:31:06,753 --> 01:31:08,426
It's not just the poor and the hungry,
1793
01:31:08,588 --> 01:31:11,057
it's... it's everybody
who's gotta have this miracle!
1794
01:31:11,216 --> 01:31:12,968
And it can happen tonight
for all of you!
1795
01:31:13,134 --> 01:31:16,354
If you believe in this spirit thing,
the miracle will happen.
1796
01:31:16,513 --> 01:31:18,481
And then you'll want it
to happen again tomorrow.
1797
01:31:18,640 --> 01:31:20,062
You won't be one of these bastards
who says,
1798
01:31:20,225 --> 01:31:23,229
"Christmas is once a year,
it's a fraud." It's not!
1799
01:31:23,395 --> 01:31:26,649
It can happen every day!
You've just gotta want that feeling!
1800
01:31:26,815 --> 01:31:30,160
And if you like it and you want it,
you'll get greedy for it!
1801
01:31:30,318 --> 01:31:34,198
You'll want it every day of your life,
and it can happen to you!
1802
01:31:34,614 --> 01:31:36,457
I don't... I believe in it now!
1803
01:31:36,616 --> 01:31:39,916
I believe it's gonna happen to me now!
I'm ready for it!
1804
01:31:41,246 --> 01:31:44,090
And it's great. It's a good feeling.
1805
01:31:44,249 --> 01:31:47,753
It's... it's really better
than I've felt in a long time.
1806
01:31:49,921 --> 01:31:51,514
I'm ready.
1807
01:31:52,924 --> 01:31:55,052
Have a merry Christmas, everybody.
1808
01:31:58,763 --> 01:31:59,980
You guys see Calvin?
1809
01:32:01,182 --> 01:32:02,934
Did I forget something, big man?
1810
01:32:03,852 --> 01:32:06,446
[whispers] God bless us, every one.
1811
01:32:39,220 --> 01:32:40,563
Oh, no.
1812
01:32:42,474 --> 01:32:43,976
Lumpy. Lumpy.
1813
01:32:44,142 --> 01:32:45,143
Lumpy, no.
1814
01:32:45,310 --> 01:32:47,312
[Frank grunting]
1815
01:32:48,021 --> 01:32:49,944
You're like boating a marlin.
1816
01:32:51,858 --> 01:32:54,907
Claire, the whole world.
Whole world, Claire.
1817
01:33:00,825 --> 01:33:03,044
And they lived happily ever after.
1818
01:33:05,497 --> 01:33:07,966
[all applauding]
1819
01:33:10,210 --> 01:33:12,429
♪ Think of your fellow man
1820
01:33:12,587 --> 01:33:14,134
♪ Lend him a helping hand
1821
01:33:14,297 --> 01:33:17,392
[all] I' Put a little love in your heart
1822
01:33:18,593 --> 01:33:20,516
♪ You see, it's getting late
1823
01:33:20,678 --> 01:33:22,601
♪ Oh, please don't hesitate
1824
01:33:22,764 --> 01:33:25,859
♪ Put a little love in your heart
1825
01:33:26,017 --> 01:33:34,017
♪ And the world will be a better place
1826
01:33:34,400 --> 01:33:37,779
♪ For you and me
1827
01:33:38,279 --> 01:33:41,624
♪ You just wait and see
1828
01:33:42,951 --> 01:33:45,045
♪ Another day goes by
1829
01:33:45,203 --> 01:33:47,126
♪ And still the children cry
1830
01:33:47,288 --> 01:33:50,212
♪ Put a little love in your heart
1831
01:33:50,875 --> 01:33:51,876
♪ And the world
1832
01:33:52,043 --> 01:33:53,295
Stand up! Stand up!
1833
01:33:53,461 --> 01:33:54,553
♪ Will be a better place
1834
01:33:54,712 --> 01:33:58,307
♪ And the world will be a better place
1835
01:33:58,466 --> 01:34:02,061
♪ For you and me
1836
01:34:02,804 --> 01:34:07,526
♪ Just you wait and see
1837
01:34:07,684 --> 01:34:09,607
♪ Another day goes by
1838
01:34:09,769 --> 01:34:11,646
♪ And still the children cry
1839
01:34:11,813 --> 01:34:14,737
♪ Put a little love in your heart
1840
01:34:15,859 --> 01:34:18,453
♪ Put a little love in your heart
1841
01:34:20,029 --> 01:34:22,999
♪ Put a little love in your heart I'
1842
01:34:24,075 --> 01:34:26,794
Feed me, Seymour. Feed me.
1843
01:34:27,579 --> 01:34:30,253
Come on. Let's hear it
from all you folks out there. Come on.
1844
01:34:30,415 --> 01:34:32,588
You don't know the words, come on.
1845
01:34:33,710 --> 01:34:37,385
Come on, let's hear it from this side
of the theater. Come on, just over here.
1846
01:34:37,547 --> 01:34:38,639
[mumbling]
1847
01:34:38,798 --> 01:34:39,845
All right, that's no good.
1848
01:34:40,008 --> 01:34:42,386
Come on, let's try the other side
of the theater. Come on.
1849
01:34:44,512 --> 01:34:47,686
All right, how about just the men?
Come on, just the men.
1850
01:34:48,474 --> 01:34:51,273
All right, the real men,
let's hear the real men.
1851
01:34:52,645 --> 01:34:55,990
All right, all right, the women.
The women now, this time.
1852
01:34:57,108 --> 01:34:59,657
No, the real women. The real women.
1853
01:35:00,028 --> 01:35:01,575
You know who you are.
1854
01:35:01,738 --> 01:35:04,912
All right, you, who was making
all the noise through the whole movie.
1855
01:35:05,074 --> 01:35:07,668
My brother, the king of Christmas.
1856
01:35:09,245 --> 01:35:12,249
[I Annie Lennox & Al Green:
"Put A Little Love In Your Heart"]
1857
01:35:19,797 --> 01:35:21,970
♪ Think of your fellow man
1858
01:35:22,133 --> 01:35:24,556
♪ Lend him a helping hand
1859
01:35:24,719 --> 01:35:28,144
♪ Put a little love in your heart
1860
01:35:29,140 --> 01:35:31,393
♪ You see, it's getting late
1861
01:35:31,559 --> 01:35:33,982
♪ Oh, please don't hesitate
1862
01:35:34,145 --> 01:35:37,695
♪ Put a little love in your heart
1863
01:35:37,857 --> 01:35:45,857
♪ And the world will be a better place
1864
01:35:47,450 --> 01:35:49,418
♪ For you
1865
01:35:49,577 --> 01:35:51,671
♪ And me
1866
01:35:51,829 --> 01:35:57,507
♪ You just wait and see
1867
01:35:57,669 --> 01:36:00,138
♪ Another day goes by
1868
01:36:00,296 --> 01:36:02,549
♪ And still the children cry
1869
01:36:02,715 --> 01:36:05,810
♪ Put a little love in your heart
1870
01:36:07,178 --> 01:36:09,476
♪ You want the world to know
1871
01:36:09,639 --> 01:36:12,062
♪ We won't let hatred grow
1872
01:36:12,225 --> 01:36:15,570
♪ Put a little love in your heart
1873
01:36:15,728 --> 01:36:23,728
♪ And the world will be a better place
1874
01:36:25,321 --> 01:36:27,494
♪ For you
1875
01:36:27,657 --> 01:36:29,830
♪ And me
1876
01:36:29,993 --> 01:36:32,371
♪ You just wait
1877
01:36:32,537 --> 01:36:34,585
♪ And see
1878
01:36:34,747 --> 01:36:40,049
♪ Wait and see
1879
01:36:40,211 --> 01:36:42,839
♪ Take a good look around
1880
01:36:43,006 --> 01:36:45,304
♪ And if you're looking down
1881
01:36:45,466 --> 01:36:48,265
♪ Put a little love in your heart
1882
01:36:48,428 --> 01:36:49,725
♪ Yeah
1883
01:36:49,887 --> 01:36:52,356
♪ I hope when you decide
1884
01:36:52,515 --> 01:36:54,734
♪ Kindness will be your guide
1885
01:36:54,892 --> 01:36:58,271
♪ Put a little love in your heart
1886
01:36:58,438 --> 01:37:06,438
♪ And the world will be a better place
1887
01:37:08,031 --> 01:37:10,204
♪ For you
1888
01:37:10,366 --> 01:37:12,539
♪ And me
1889
01:37:12,702 --> 01:37:15,125
♪ You just wait
1890
01:37:15,288 --> 01:37:17,916
♪ And see
1891
01:37:18,750 --> 01:37:23,750
♪ Put a little love in your heart
1892
01:37:31,512 --> 01:37:32,889
♪ Oh, that's right, darling
1893
01:37:33,056 --> 01:37:40,861
♪ Put a little love in your heart
1894
01:37:41,022 --> 01:37:42,274
♪ Oh, that's right, darling
1895
01:37:42,440 --> 01:37:44,659
♪ Put a little love in your heart
1896
01:37:44,817 --> 01:37:46,990
♪ That's right, that's right
1897
01:37:47,153 --> 01:37:52,153
♪ Put a little love in your heart
1898
01:38:11,719 --> 01:38:13,767
♪ Put a little love now
1899
01:38:15,223 --> 01:38:19,694
♪ All you've got to do is
just to put a little love
1900
01:38:22,647 --> 01:38:24,775
♪ Put a little love
1901
01:38:24,941 --> 01:38:28,115
♪ Put a little love in your heart
1902
01:38:28,277 --> 01:38:29,699
♪ Oh, that's right, darling
1903
01:38:29,862 --> 01:38:32,160
♪ Put a little love in your heart
1904
01:38:32,323 --> 01:38:33,996
♪ That's right, that's right
1905
01:38:36,661 --> 01:38:41,087
♪ All you've got to do is
just to put a little love
1906
01:38:44,043 --> 01:38:46,011
♪ Put a little love
1907
01:38:46,170 --> 01:38:50,550
♪ What I wanna try to do is
to put a little love
1908
01:38:51,801 --> 01:38:54,600
♪ Put a little love
in your heart, yeah
1909
01:38:55,430 --> 01:38:59,901
♪ Everyday put a little love now
1910
01:39:02,520 --> 01:39:05,239
♪ Take a good look around
1911
01:39:05,398 --> 01:39:07,617
♪ And if you're looking down
1912
01:39:07,775 --> 01:39:10,449
♪ Put a little love in your heart
1913
01:39:10,611 --> 01:39:12,079
♪ Yeah
1914
01:39:12,238 --> 01:39:14,707
♪ I hope when you decide
1915
01:39:14,866 --> 01:39:17,119
♪ Kindness will be your guide
1916
01:39:17,285 --> 01:39:20,585
♪ Put a little love in your heart
1917
01:39:20,746 --> 01:39:28,746
♪ And the world will be a better place
1918
01:39:30,339 --> 01:39:32,512
♪ For you
1919
01:39:32,675 --> 01:39:34,848
♪ And me
1920
01:39:35,011 --> 01:39:37,514
♪ You just wait
1921
01:39:37,680 --> 01:39:40,024
♪ And see
1922
01:39:40,850 --> 01:39:42,944
♪ Put a little love in your heart
1923
01:39:43,102 --> 01:39:45,525
♪ Each and every day
1924
01:39:45,688 --> 01:39:47,611
♪ Put a little love in your heart
1925
01:39:47,773 --> 01:39:50,322
♪ Little, little, little bit
of love in your heart
1926
01:39:50,485 --> 01:39:52,408
♪ Put a little love in your heart
1927
01:39:52,570 --> 01:39:55,039
♪ Little bit of love, little bit of love
1928
01:39:55,198 --> 01:39:57,326
♪ Put a little love in your heart
1929
01:39:57,492 --> 01:39:59,836
♪ Put in your heart, yeah
1930
01:39:59,994 --> 01:40:03,669
♪ Put a little love in your heart
1931
01:40:04,665 --> 01:40:08,340
♪ Put a little love in your heart
1932
01:40:09,337 --> 01:40:11,385
♪ Put a little love in your heart
1933
01:40:11,547 --> 01:40:14,050
♪ Put that love in your heart there
1934
01:40:14,217 --> 01:40:16,140
♪ Put a little love in your heart
1935
01:40:16,302 --> 01:40:18,805
♪ All I wanna do is to meet you
1936
01:40:20,890 --> 01:40:22,938
♪ Put a little love in your heart
1937
01:40:23,100 --> 01:40:24,397
♪ Yeah, yeah
1938
01:40:25,394 --> 01:40:26,486
♪ Oh, yeah
1939
01:40:26,646 --> 01:40:28,819
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah
1940
01:40:37,990 --> 01:40:40,960
♪ Put a little love in your heart
1941
01:40:41,118 --> 01:40:42,540
♪ Oh, that's right, darling
1942
01:40:42,703 --> 01:40:44,922
♪ Put a little love in your heart
1943
01:40:45,081 --> 01:40:47,254
♪ That's right, that's right
1944
01:40:47,416 --> 01:40:49,919
♪ Put a little love in your heart I'