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There are many places
we could begin
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the next chapter of
the legend of Ron Burgundy.
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This is one such place.
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However, we won't begin our tale here.
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No, our story begins in
a place all newsmen dream of.
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In New York City.
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Ron Burgundy!
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That lady's got an ass
like the Loch Ness Monster.
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Thing is mysterious
and ever sought after.
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Ron, aren't you going
to say something to him?
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Hey, when you've got an ass
like the North Star,
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wise men are going
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to want to follow it.
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It was a time before
cell phones and steroids.
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And for Ron and his now-wife Veronica,
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life was good.
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The Tooth Fairy's exposed breast
made the child uncomfortable.
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The Bishop wore
buttless chaps to the bat mitzvah.
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Bat mitzvah.
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The garden gnome
had a normal-size penis.
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Corningstone. Corningstone.
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Oh! Oh, no! Oh, no!
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They're coming in through
the back door! Oh, no!
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Oh, no!
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Grab the children! Save the children!
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Five, four...
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- Have a great broadcast.
- You, too, darling.
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Good evening.
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This is the weekend edition of
WBC News at 6:30.
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I'm Ron Burgundy.
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And I'm Veronica Corningstone.
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Our top story tonight.
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The U.N. today announced
sanctions against...
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When the broadcast is over,
send these two up to my office.
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Time to make a change.
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Rumor has it that
after 35 years of manning the helm,
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Mack Tannen
is thinking about stepping down.
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That's right.
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Do you...
Do you think we could be...
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We could be getting
the Nightly News, Ron?
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I think that's exactly
what's about to happen.
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Oh, my God.
That's what's happening, isn't it?
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- I'm hyperventilating.
- Yes, I see that.
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Look at me.
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Oh, you... Well.
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I'm laughing like
a ventriloquist's dummy.
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You are.
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Let's stop that before we get in there.
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Don't do that in there, darling.
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Mr. Tannen,
you are an inspiration, sir.
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I've been doing the evening news now
for over 35 years.
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- Done a hell of a job.
- Yes, sir.
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A hell of a job!
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I've gone through four wives.
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I have six or seven kids that
I haven't got the time to tell I love them.
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To be honest, they sound a little needy.
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And I killed four men in Okinawa.
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W.W. Two.
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And that was two weeks ago.
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The point is,
this is a very demanding job.
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Yes.
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But I'm close to thinking that
you may have what it takes.
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Now, let me look at you.
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Oh, my God.
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Would it be wrong
to say you smell terrific?
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- Ron, please!
- Okay.
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What are you?
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Finnish?
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Oddly enough,
I'm 100% full-blown Mexican.
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From the state of Oaxaca.
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No, you're not, honey.
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Hello, sir.
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Oh, my heart is racing.
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Hmm.
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I just have to say,
this is super creepy and unorthodox.
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You like-a da merchandise, huh?
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Sorry.
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All right.
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We're about to make
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network news history.
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- Veronica.
- Yes?
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You're going to be
the first female full-time
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network news anchor.
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- Oh, my goodness!
- Oh! I knew it.
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And you, Mr. Burgundy...
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I'm going to be
the first lactose intolerant anchor.
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- Mr. Burgundy.
- Yes?
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You're fired.
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Come again?
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Fired.
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You are the worst anchorman
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I have ever seen.
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But what did I do wrong?
Name one thing.
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Korean soldiers
were fired upon in the DMZ!
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Oh. Jeez, I am so sorry.
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Someone put the story
in all capital letters,
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and I... I thought
I was supposed to yell it.
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President Parter... Ah, shit!
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I mean, President Carter
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will speak at the summit Tuesday.
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Tony, did I just curse?
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Are you kidding me? Shit!
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I mean... Shit. Shoot!
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The slain Civil Rights leader
was eulogized...
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Oh!
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Oh, wow! Did you see that?
Right on the lens!
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Folks, I'm sorry.
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I hold myself to
a high professional standard
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and you shouldn't hear
that language, okay?
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I'm having a shitty day. Oh, fuck-stick!
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Now, I know this is tricky,
given your relationship,
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so I'm going to
give you the evening to think about it.
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I forbid it!
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You forbid it?
What? Who are you? Julius Caesar?
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Who the hell is Julius Caesar?
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You know I don't follow the NBA.
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Look, I am so sorry
that this happened, Ron,
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but you and I,
we're partners, sweetheart.
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And when something good
happens to me, it also happens to you.
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That's ridiculous!
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It clearly just happened to you!
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You... Oh! Be quiet.
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Mom?
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I'm sorry,
Mr. and Mrs. Burgundy.
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He no go to sleep.
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Damn it, Lupita,
what have you been doing up there?
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Eating nachos?
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Mommy? Daddy?
Why are you yelling at each other?
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Did Mom touch Dad's hair again?
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Walter, honey,
why don't you just go to bed, all right?
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Mommy and Daddy
are just having a discussion.
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No! He needs to hear this.
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He's six years old. He's a man.
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Walter, listen to me.
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Life isn't a fairy tale.
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It's not a bunch of
jumping rope and grabbing ass.
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It's complicated.
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What do you want to do with your life?
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What do you want to be
when you grow up?
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I want to be an astronaut or a cowboy!
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You're never going to be
any of those, okay?
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Ron!
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You've got to set the bar a lot lower.
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Service industry.
Fry cook. Prison guard.
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Maybe you're
a lighting guy at a porn shoot.
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Which basically means you hold up
a flashlight while adults do things.
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He is a child, Ron!
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Nah, nah, nah!
He's got hair on his nugs.
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He's old enough to hear this.
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Your father is a wise man.
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I will lock you in a closet!
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Veronica, here's the bottom line.
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It's a very simple decision.
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It's either me or the job.
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It doesn't have to be a choice, Ron.
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Don't do this.
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Don't throw away everything that
we've worked so hard for.
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Me...
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...or the job.
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Hello, and welcome
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to the 3:10 Dolphin Show at Sea World.
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Sponsored by British Petroleum.
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B. P. Oil, nature's best friend.
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And now, here's your host,
Ron Burgundy.
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Good afternoon, everyone.
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And welcome to
world-famous Sea World,
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here in San Diago, California.
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Here's a fun fact, dolphins aren't fish.
They're mammals.
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Here's another fun fact,
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I haven't felt the loving embrace of
a human being in over three months.
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I'm so lonely
I paid a hobo to spoon with me.
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Let's bring out
our world-class trainers here,
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Jesse and Paula.
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Thank you. Thank you, Ron.
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Sometimes I try to kiss 'em.
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Oh, Ron Burgundy, everyone.
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- I want to kiss you.
- No.
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- Or I'll kiss your friend.
- No.
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How about
the two trainers kiss each other?
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What do you say, huh?
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So, let's say hello to the stars
of the show, Chippy and Roo-roo!
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For your information,
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Chippy was rehabilitated
and Roo-roo is an asshole.
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Ooh!
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Look, they're swimming
and doing tricks!
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Folks, what do you expect?
They're dolphins.
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What did you say?
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Look at you, with that permanent smile.
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You think you're so smart,
with your secret language.
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00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:06,489
You just fan' out of the top of your head.
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- You're a punk, Ron Burgundy!
- Boo!
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00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:14,329
Children and animals hate you,
Ron Burgundy!
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00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:17,171
I would eat dolphins if it was legal!
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Unhand me, you buffoons!
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00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:24,244
All right, first,
you threw up in the shark tank.
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Then you fed the seals a chicken gyro?
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00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,171
And now this?
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00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:30,288
You're fired, you washed-up drunk!
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00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:32,244
Guess what, Trevor?
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00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:34,169
Every morning
I get here a half hour early
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00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:36,925
and I sexually assault a starfish!
202
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This is the end of the road.
I'm not turning back.
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00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:44,843
Well, I know it's not a pretty sight.
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00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:46,410
And you're gonna be the sole witness.
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00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:49,611
If you can't handle it,
you leave the room.
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00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:52,562
It's too late, Baxter
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00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:56,367
I'm going the way of the ancient samurai
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00:10:56,440 --> 00:11:00,286
who, when dishonored, would hang
themselves from a fluorescent light.
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00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:04,490
Goodbye, my sweet hairy prince.
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00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:06,606
Oh!
211
00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:10,201
Oh!
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00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:12,442
Sweet cream on nipples!
213
00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:14,887
Uh, Mr. Burgundy? Hello, I...
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00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:17,645
Oh, my God!
215
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:19,529
What the hell happened?
216
00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:21,762
Um... Um...
217
00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:24,128
I tried to hang myself?
218
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:25,850
Because my life's a mess?
219
00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:28,124
And I saw no other option?
220
00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:32,365
I think you're telling the truth, but why
are you saying it like you're lying?
221
00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:34,244
It was a call for help?
222
00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:37,563
But it didn't work because I'm too heavy
and the ceiling lamp broke?
223
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:39,930
Something like that?
224
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:42,810
Yeah, I...
I think you're telling the truth.
225
00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:44,962
I am. That's what happened.
226
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:49,244
Mmm.
These are first-rate flapjacks.
227
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:54,049
I'm telling you, suicide makes you
hungry, I don't care what anyone says.
228
00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:58,802
My name is Freddie Shapp, and I'm
a producer of a new kind of news.
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00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:01,567
We're starting a 24-hour news channel.
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00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:03,045
First of its kind!
231
00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:05,930
GNN. The Global News Network.
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00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:12,571
That is without a doubt
the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
233
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:16,243
You mean news
going 24 hours around the clock?
234
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:18,687
A channel that's never off,
in other words?
235
00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:22,122
Yeah. Yeah. Just 24 hours. It's, uh...
236
00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:25,962
No offense,
but you are a stupid asshole.
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00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:29,807
Mr. Burgundy,
I assure you we are 100% for real.
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00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:32,486
We've got state-of-the-art facilities
in Manhattan.
239
00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:36,690
And Kench Allenby, multi-millionaire
and owner of Koala Airlines.
240
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:39,366
So glad he was acquitted of murder.
241
00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:41,363
I'm a big Kench Allenby guy.
242
00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:44,484
He's funding the whole network.
He believes in it.
243
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:46,563
I don't think you understand, Freddie.
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00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:52,489
My hero, Mack Tannen, told me I was
the worst journalist he'd ever seen.
245
00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:55,768
I'm not good enough.
246
00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:56,887
Here.
247
00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:59,447
This is your first week's salary.
248
00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:04,246
By the hymen of Olivia Newton-John!
249
00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:06,245
What do you say, Ron?
250
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:09,923
I'll take the job.
251
00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:13,722
And I swear I'll be number one again.
252
00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:18,251
I'll take back my son,
restore my reputation,
253
00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:20,527
and make everything right
with Veronica.
254
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:22,329
But more importantly,
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00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:26,564
I'm going to do what God
put Ron Burgundy on this Earth to do.
256
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,850
Have salon-quality hair
and read the news.
257
00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:33,683
Ron... You've made my day.
258
00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:36,081
I've got the best damn
news team in the world.
259
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:39,330
- Your call.
- I just have to find them.
260
00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:51,606
San Diago. Looks like
we begin our search right here at home.
261
00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:55,730
Last I heard, Champ Kind was fired
for being drunk on the air and saying,
262
00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:59,646
"The only Olympic sport Filipinos
are good at is eating cats and dogs."
263
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:05,201
- Who loves chicken? You do!
- We do!
264
00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:07,641
Delicious chicken
Swing on through
265
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:09,882
Meet the crew, hoo-hoo!
266
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:14,045
I'm local San Diego legend Champ Kind,
and I believe in two things.
267
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:15,087
Good chicken,
268
00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:19,290
and that the census is a way for
the U.N. to make your children gay.
269
00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:21,408
So come on by and grab a wing.
270
00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:24,563
'Cause when you do,
you'll say, "Whammy!"
271
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:26,643
No Catholics or Jews admitted.
272
00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:27,966
All right, there you go.
273
00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:30,691
One Whammy Special
with Whammy slaw.
274
00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:33,930
There's a used Band-Aid
in my coleslaw.
275
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:36,002
My gosh, let me take care of that.
276
00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:39,482
Get out of here before I smash
your head in, you Commie bastard!
277
00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:42,166
If you're from the census,
you take me off your list!
278
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:46,051
You never did have much
of a bedside manner, Champ.
279
00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:48,088
Ron? Ron Burgundy?
280
00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:50,367
- Get over here!
- How are you, friend?
281
00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:52,761
God, I have longed for you.
282
00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:54,285
It's good to see you, too.
283
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:55,850
Oh, this feels like home.
284
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:57,601
Are you all right?
285
00:14:57,680 --> 00:14:59,728
Yeah, I'm fine. Better now.
286
00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:02,571
Okay, let's break the huddle here, huh?
287
00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:05,005
- Okay. All right.
- All right.
288
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:06,889
You get back here!
289
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:08,121
Don't be weird!
290
00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:10,927
So, anyway,
Harken sat me down, he said,
291
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:14,004
"Champ, you're a dangerous alcoholic,
a racist,"
292
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,686
"and I don't think
you know a lick about sports."
293
00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:20,446
And I said, "Ed, you dirty Polack,
it's 10:00 in the morning."
294
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:21,806
"Let's go have some drinks"
295
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:24,963
"and go to a baseball game where
the Mexicans hit some touchdowns."
296
00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:26,087
Then he fires me!
297
00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:30,449
Fortunately, on the way out the door,
I fake a work injury.
298
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:32,443
With the settlement, I bought this place.
299
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:34,727
Well, I'm glad to see
you landed on your feet, Champ.
300
00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:37,444
Listen, can I ask you a question?
301
00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:39,085
Sure. Anything.
302
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:41,005
Is... Is this chicken?
303
00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:42,923
Oh, hell, no.
304
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:46,562
It's really impossible to turn a profit
if you serve real chicken.
305
00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:48,808
Yeah. We use mainly bats.
306
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:49,881
- What?
- Yeah.
307
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:52,042
But the good quality kind.
308
00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:54,163
That's the most horrible thing
I've ever heard.
309
00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:55,207
Yeah?
310
00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:57,248
You got to do what you got to do, right?
311
00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:59,448
So what you got to do
is serve fried bats?
312
00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:02,211
Yep. Do you know what they call bats?
313
00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:04,681
- Bats.
- "Chicken of the Cave."
314
00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:06,728
No one calls them Chicken of the Cave.
315
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,211
Who's "they," by the way?
316
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:12,685
There's a guy I met named Paco,
sells bikers speed at the pier.
317
00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:15,411
So that guy calls them
Chicken of the Cave.
318
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:16,481
Yeah.
319
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:17,846
That's not "they."
320
00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:20,207
Why don't you have a bite
and stop judging it?
321
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:22,009
I'm not going to bite into a fried bat.
322
00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:23,127
It's delicious.
323
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:24,964
It's all tendon. Look at it.
324
00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:29,120
Was that a bat?
325
00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:31,283
Chicken of the Cave.
326
00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:33,090
What brings you here, Ron?
327
00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:36,767
My friend, we've got a job.
In New York City.
328
00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:38,444
Whammy! I'm in!
329
00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:39,971
You've got yourself a sportscaster.
330
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:41,041
Oh, great.
331
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:42,281
Denny!
332
00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:45,040
Lock up!
333
00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:47,010
Any idea where Brian Fantana is?
334
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:48,570
You haven't heard?
335
00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:50,324
Fantana hit the big time.
336
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:52,762
Aw, baby.
337
00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:57,202
Yeah, that's it, play for me.
Just play around.
338
00:16:57,440 --> 00:17:00,091
Roll around and lift those legs up. Mmm!
339
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,127
You are a hairy little thing, aren't you?
340
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:07,489
Yeah. Oh, I like what's happening!
341
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:10,371
Oh, that's it. Yeah. Yeah.
342
00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:13,530
Oh, you little fuzzball, that's... Oh!
343
00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:17,409
I got it.
344
00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:20,200
It's not getting any better than that.
345
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:22,290
- That's brilliant!
- Yeah, yeah.
346
00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:24,681
Hey, Brian,
you have any time for the little people?
347
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:30,401
Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.
348
00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:36,251
- Hey, Brian.
- Champ! How you doing?
349
00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:37,401
Hey!
350
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:38,891
- Wow. This is a...
- Cool it!
351
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:40,485
Oh, I can't believe...
352
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,164
Oh, wow.
It's great to see you!
353
00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:44,766
Welcome. Welcome to my doj'.
354
00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:46,724
This place is spectacular!
355
00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:48,040
- It's amazing.
- A bit chaotic today.
356
00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:50,088
We got the Cat Fancy cover coming out.
357
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:51,605
- You know how that can be.
- Ooh.
358
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:53,364
I've been living in a tent
for the last two years.
359
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:54,930
Oh, yeah, this is not that.
360
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:56,490
We got a sauna in the kitchen.
361
00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:59,928
A lot of people think that's weird,
but I keep wine in it.
362
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:02,571
I'm not a wine guy,
but I know you got to keep it hot.
363
00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:04,563
Oh, and check this out.
364
00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:06,404
This... This was fun.
365
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:08,324
We shot this over two weeks in Prague.
366
00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:09,601
Wow.
367
00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:11,848
You know what they call cats?
368
00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:14,321
- Chicken of the rail yard.
- No.
369
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:16,284
- What?
- Don't indulge him.
370
00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:17,970
- Yeah.
- There's a lot of meat.
371
00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:19,485
But I love it.
372
00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:22,484
And what's so great about it
is it's so damn true.
373
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:23,607
I hate Mondays!
374
00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:25,769
I'm not a Monday guy.
375
00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:27,604
Ron hates Mondays.
376
00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:29,682
Hell, I'm not crazy about them, either.
377
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:32,001
I also don't like Tuesdays,
Wednesdays or Thursdays.
378
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:35,489
So why are you guys here, anyway?
379
00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:39,485
Well, Brian, we're getting
the news team back together again.
380
00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:40,527
Really?
381
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:42,847
And, of course,
we want to know if you'll join us.
382
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:44,365
Jeez, I don't know.
383
00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:46,966
I kind of got the world by the tail here.
384
00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:48,644
I don't know if I can.
385
00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:49,801
Christ, I get it.
386
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:51,882
I mean, you're the Quincy Jones
of cat photographers.
387
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:53,291
Why would you leave all this?
388
00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:54,965
Hey, Brian,
I don't know if you heard,
389
00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:57,691
but New York has all-nude strip clubs.
390
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:02,488
The question still remains...
391
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:04,450
Where's Brick Tamland?
392
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:05,686
Oh.
393
00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:07,364
You guys didn't hear?
394
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:08,885
No, what happened?
395
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:10,047
Brick's...
396
00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:13,005
Dead.
397
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:22,805
Brick was lost at sea
398
00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:24,211
- about a year ago.
- Oh.
399
00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:27,046
Thought he saw a bird
and he swam out to pet it.
400
00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:28,281
He never came back.
401
00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:31,081
We all loved Brick,
402
00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:33,686
even though he never had
a phone number,
403
00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:37,082
or address or Social Security number.
404
00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:40,801
In six years of working at the station,
he never cashed a paycheck.
405
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:42,006
That sweet Brick.
406
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:43,480
He was a sensitive man, though.
407
00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:48,651
He told me he wanted to donate
his organs to science before he died,
408
00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:51,320
so he could see where they ended up.
409
00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:55,646
He'll long be remembered
and he'll be sorely missed.
410
00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:02,369
Thank you, Reverend.
411
00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:04,888
- Oh.
- Oh, come on!
412
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,162
- Brick was a great man.
- Really?
413
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:08,844
And I will miss him so much.
414
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,526
And I will not rest until I find his killer.
415
00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:12,965
- What?
- His killer?
416
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:16,123
It is hard for me
to believe that he is gone.
417
00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:18,249
He's not gone.
418
00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:21,570
I feel that
I just saw him yesterday.
419
00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:23,608
You were probably
talking to yourself in a mirror.
420
00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:26,843
When I got the news...
421
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:30,163
I didn't even know
how to make sense out of it!
422
00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:31,486
None of us understand!
423
00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:33,609
Why? Why?
424
00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:36,008
Why did you take him from us?
425
00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:38,560
You're clearly standing in front of us,
Brick.
426
00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:40,005
God damn you!
427
00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:42,083
- Brick!
- Brick is dead!
428
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:43,969
- No, Brick's alive.
- Brick is dead!
429
00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:45,371
- Look at him!
- He's not dead.
430
00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:46,680
He's not dead, Brick. You're not dead.
431
00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:48,205
- You're Brick!
- Brick, it's you!
432
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:49,611
He's dead!
433
00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:50,681
No!
434
00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:53,001
You are Brick! Touch yourself.
435
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:55,447
- I am Brick?
- Yes!
436
00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:57,768
- I'm alive?
- Yes!
437
00:20:57,880 --> 00:20:59,370
Of course.
438
00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:00,851
Of course you are.
439
00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:02,160
Oh, for heaven's sake.
440
00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:04,931
You kind of want to slug him.
You want to slug him.
441
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:11,886
Do you remember
our Easter trip to San Francisco?
442
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:14,964
We got so drunk,
we put Brick in a refrigerator box
443
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:17,805
and threw him off
the Golden Gate Bridge.
444
00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:19,846
I broke my back!
445
00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:23,204
What about the time
that you dared Champ
446
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:25,567
to drink that beer stein full of Woolite?
447
00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:28,041
He drained it faster than you could say,
"No, don't do it."
448
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:30,122
"That's the equivalent of
drinking poison."
449
00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:35,283
Oh, Lord, I was in a six-month coma.
450
00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:37,608
And they say from
the neurological damage,
451
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:40,923
there's no way I live past 55!
452
00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:44,882
You got three years left, my friend.
453
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:46,803
You're gonna die!
454
00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:50,251
Hey, hey, remember?
455
00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:54,484
I was by myself and I had that dream
about the orange tree.
456
00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:57,564
But instead of oranges,
it had babies on it.
457
00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:00,731
It was a baby tree!
458
00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:03,646
Brick, how could we remember?
It's your dream.
459
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:07,167
I don't know.
It's all the same thing.
460
00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:12,010
It's an interesting dream,
but we're telling stories
461
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:14,162
involving the entire news team
from the past.
462
00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:21,529
Or how about the time when I was born
and I came out of the vagina?
463
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:28,045
I was screaming,
"Here I come! Oh! Here I come, Mom!"
464
00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:32,450
First off, Brick, I highly doubt
you remember your own birth.
465
00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:35,364
And, once again, we weren't there.
466
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:40,410
Ron, I can't...
467
00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:42,887
I can't stop laughing, Ron!
468
00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:44,884
Put a pencil in his mouth.
469
00:22:45,080 --> 00:22:46,320
It's okay.
470
00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:48,160
There you go.
471
00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:49,969
I'm okay now.
472
00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:53,328
Man, this just feels right!
The news team is back!
473
00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:57,765
Ron, Brian, Brick, me, even Baxter!
474
00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:02,087
That old man is so little and hairy!
475
00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:04,486
Hey, Ron, who's driving?
476
00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:06,562
Oh, it's okay, it's on cruise control.
477
00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:11,008
Who wants some chimichangas, huh?
478
00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:14,608
Best thing I ever did was install
this deep fryer in the 'bago.
479
00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:17,451
Ron, why do you have
this bag of bowling balls
480
00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:19,727
and this terrarium filled with scorpions?
481
00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:22,770
- Oh, it's a long, crazy story!
- Hey, Ron.
482
00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:25,360
Cruise control just regulates speed,
it doesn't steer.
483
00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:27,965
- Come again?
- Oh!
484
00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:29,965
Well, that is gonna
make one hell of a story.
485
00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:40,444
The Big Apple. Ron Burgundy is back.
486
00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:42,522
Why do they call it
the Big Apple, Ron?
487
00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:45,604
Because New York has
an apple tree on every street.
488
00:24:48,360 --> 00:24:51,443
Here we are. Welcome to GNN.
489
00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:57,051
I don't know, Ron.
You sure about this place?
490
00:24:57,120 --> 00:24:59,441
Guys, I know it's a bit of a mess,
but trust me,
491
00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:02,450
everything will be ready
for the launch tomorrow.
492
00:25:02,560 --> 00:25:06,485
And we've culled the whole country
for the best newsmen.
493
00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:08,210
There's Curtis Knightfish from Houston.
494
00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:09,566
Oh, Curtis Knightfish.
495
00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:11,404
They don't get any better than that.
496
00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:14,563
And there's Diane
Yahwea from Carson City.
497
00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:17,166
Diane Yahwea.
You know what they call her, right?
498
00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:18,924
"All the Way Yahwea."
499
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:20,365
She's my aunt.
500
00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:22,568
And the best in the biz.
501
00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:25,166
Jack Lime, out of Chicago.
502
00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:29,325
Rumor is Allenby
is giving him one mil a year.
503
00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:31,602
That's crazy.
Who's worth that kind of money?
504
00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:36,563
Oh, my God!
He's absolutely magnificent!
505
00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:39,646
I bet his poop smells like sandalwood.
506
00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:41,324
Can I help you, guy?
507
00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:42,925
What was that?
508
00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:44,411
I said, "Can I help you, guy?"
509
00:25:44,520 --> 00:25:46,807
Uh...
What do you mean?
510
00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:49,281
Well, you're staring at me, hotshot.
511
00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:51,164
Do you want my autograph?
512
00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:57,046
No, he was just explaining
who you were and I was looking at you.
513
00:25:57,120 --> 00:26:00,329
And then he said something
and I was still looking at you.
514
00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:09,047
Jack Lime is a great man!
515
00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:12,680
Is that what I sound like when I talk?
516
00:26:16,600 --> 00:26:17,840
Is there a problem?
517
00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:19,888
No, no, no,
no, no, no, no. No problem.
518
00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:22,281
Well, you're making a face
like you got a problem.
519
00:26:22,360 --> 00:26:24,283
Um, I'm sorry that I'm making that face.
520
00:26:24,360 --> 00:26:27,523
I don't mean to make a face
that seems like I have a problem.
521
00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:28,931
I don't like that face!
522
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:30,729
You need to change it,
and change it quick.
523
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:32,131
Stop making that face.
524
00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:34,009
Is this face better?
525
00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:35,127
Oh, I don't like...
526
00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:38,443
Oh, that new face is driving me crazy!
Change it, now!
527
00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:39,806
You're getting him mad.
528
00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:41,882
I only have so many faces.
529
00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:45,451
I'm just grinding your
gears, man.
530
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:47,329
Welcome to the station!
531
00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:50,051
We're going to have
a good time together.
532
00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:54,850
Oh, my God. That's vintage Jack Lime.
533
00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:56,081
Come on, guys.
534
00:26:56,160 --> 00:26:57,400
Let's go meet the boss.
535
00:26:57,760 --> 00:26:59,569
We'll have separate cameras
536
00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:02,490
for you, and then sports
and then weather.
537
00:27:02,760 --> 00:27:05,001
Let me ask you this, Freddie,
how's the new head honcho?
538
00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:08,641
Well, Linda Jackson
has a shelf full of Emmys.
539
00:27:09,080 --> 00:27:13,210
She's as tough as nails.
And Linda loves to win.
540
00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:15,249
Oh, hey, Linda!
541
00:27:15,360 --> 00:27:18,125
I want to introduce you to Ron Burgundy.
542
00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:21,484
Linda Jackson. How are you, my friend?
543
00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:22,561
Ron.
544
00:27:23,360 --> 00:27:24,964
This is Linda Jackson.
545
00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:26,965
Hello, Mr. Burgundy.
546
00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:29,443
Oh. Uh...
547
00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:31,446
Black.
548
00:27:32,760 --> 00:27:34,728
- Black.
- Jesus, just stop, Ron.
549
00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:39,280
I'm terribly sorry.
I don't know why I can't stop saying...
550
00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:41,729
Black. The word "black."
551
00:27:41,800 --> 00:27:43,370
Hello, Mr. Burgundy.
552
00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:45,369
- Black.
- Stop.
553
00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:46,601
Black.
554
00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:47,841
Stop saying "black."
555
00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:55,370
- Black. If I don't say it, I'll pass out.
- Stop saying it!
556
00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:57,528
Uh, Donna, can you please
get me a cup of coffee?
557
00:27:57,600 --> 00:27:59,648
- Right away, Ms. Jackson.
- Thank you.
558
00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:01,927
- Please be seated. Everyone.
- Sure.
559
00:28:02,120 --> 00:28:03,485
Please be seated.
560
00:28:05,920 --> 00:28:09,845
Great. So I know that all of you
are aware that the news community
561
00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:12,571
is laughing at what we're trying to do
here at 24-hour news.
562
00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:14,244
But that is why they brought me in.
563
00:28:14,320 --> 00:28:15,446
She's the best!
564
00:28:15,520 --> 00:28:17,761
You see, gentlemen, I don't lose.
565
00:28:17,880 --> 00:28:19,928
Listen, I feel like I need to clear the air.
566
00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:21,331
Oh, please don't.
567
00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:23,323
I want to say,
on behalf of the entire news team,
568
00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:28,247
we are huge supporters
of all African and Americans.
569
00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:30,209
Veronica got so tan!
570
00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:33,563
I remember the first
African and American I ever saw.
571
00:28:33,640 --> 00:28:35,449
It's African-American.
572
00:28:35,520 --> 00:28:37,170
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
573
00:28:37,240 --> 00:28:39,766
Absolutely 100% positive? It isn't like...
574
00:28:39,840 --> 00:28:41,001
Ron...
575
00:28:41,080 --> 00:28:42,570
Fish and chips?
576
00:28:42,640 --> 00:28:46,770
Hey, we're all the same on the inside,
stinky and pink.
577
00:28:46,840 --> 00:28:47,880
When I was in high school,
578
00:28:47,920 --> 00:28:49,922
me and my buddies
used to sneak in the girls' locker room.
579
00:28:50,040 --> 00:28:51,451
We'd peek at the girls in the shower,
580
00:28:51,520 --> 00:28:55,127
and I'd look at all of them,
no matter what color they were.
581
00:28:55,200 --> 00:28:56,247
So...
582
00:28:56,360 --> 00:28:59,364
Jesus, this is the worst meeting
I've ever been in.
583
00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:01,920
A black man follows me everywhere
when it's sunny.
584
00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:04,162
Actually,
I think that's your shadow, Brick.
585
00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:05,605
I call him Leon.
586
00:29:05,720 --> 00:29:07,882
And if it's a cloudy day,
what happens to Leon?
587
00:29:07,960 --> 00:29:08,961
He goes home.
588
00:29:09,040 --> 00:29:10,007
It's your shadow.
589
00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:11,127
He's talking about his shadow.
590
00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:13,771
Shut your damn mouths! Sit down!
591
00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:17,401
What's he doing?
592
00:29:17,480 --> 00:29:20,245
I think you scared him.
You can't shout at Brick.
593
00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:21,930
Is he all right?
594
00:29:22,280 --> 00:29:24,760
Can you sing him
a soothing siren song?
595
00:29:24,840 --> 00:29:26,126
Just a high melodic...
596
00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:30,445
I'm not singing along with you.
597
00:29:31,480 --> 00:29:33,482
Oh, come on, Brick. Brick!
598
00:29:33,560 --> 00:29:35,324
Linda has a balloon.
599
00:29:38,720 --> 00:29:40,324
You better get him a balloon.
600
00:29:40,400 --> 00:29:41,526
Is this for real, Freddie?
601
00:29:41,600 --> 00:29:43,090
Linda, I'm sorry.
602
00:29:43,160 --> 00:29:44,844
No, it's okay! It's okay.
603
00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:47,127
So you have a black boss,
and it's freaking you out.
604
00:29:47,200 --> 00:29:48,326
Is it freaking you out?
605
00:29:48,400 --> 00:29:50,402
- A little bit, to be honest.
- You freaked out?
606
00:29:50,480 --> 00:29:52,482
- Is it freaking you out?
- Oh, she's got a knife!
607
00:29:52,840 --> 00:29:54,569
I don't give a shit!
608
00:29:54,640 --> 00:29:56,768
We're not all here
to hold hands and sing Kumbaya.
609
00:29:57,280 --> 00:29:58,566
Black.
610
00:29:58,760 --> 00:30:02,845
So as long as you guys get numbers,
we are gonna get along just fine.
611
00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:06,408
Now, if you don't, I am gonna be icy.
612
00:30:06,480 --> 00:30:07,845
And unpleasant, you dig?
613
00:30:07,920 --> 00:30:10,651
I dig. We all dig.
614
00:30:10,840 --> 00:30:12,001
I like to dig.
615
00:30:12,120 --> 00:30:15,886
One time I went digging for treasure
and I found a half a body.
616
00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:17,764
Get out of my office!
617
00:30:17,840 --> 00:30:22,004
I'm telling you, you can't give an inch
in those situations,
618
00:30:22,080 --> 00:30:23,969
and I think
we held our ground pretty firmly.
619
00:30:24,040 --> 00:30:25,201
Guys.
620
00:30:25,280 --> 00:30:28,568
Guys, we got you an apartment
on the Upper East Side
621
00:30:28,680 --> 00:30:30,250
and a whole new wardrobe.
622
00:30:30,320 --> 00:30:33,369
That's wonderful!
When do we begin our broadcast?
623
00:30:33,440 --> 00:30:34,885
Well, the big launch is tomorrow
624
00:30:34,960 --> 00:30:36,564
- at 12:00 noon.
- Okay.
625
00:30:36,640 --> 00:30:40,565
You guys are slotted
for the 2:00 a.m. to 5:00 a.m. slot.
626
00:30:40,880 --> 00:30:44,089
What? That's the graveyard shift!
627
00:30:44,440 --> 00:30:46,090
"I ain't afraid of no ghost."
628
00:30:46,360 --> 00:30:48,362
Oh, come on, it's going to be great.
629
00:30:48,440 --> 00:30:50,442
Let's get your keys. Come on!
630
00:30:52,680 --> 00:30:53,727
Is there booze in the apartment?
631
00:30:53,800 --> 00:30:55,880
Of course there's
gonna be booze. Of course.
632
00:31:17,920 --> 00:31:19,251
It won't stop.
633
00:31:19,600 --> 00:31:22,843
Sometimes it stops,
but then it starts again.
634
00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:27,804
What are you doing, Chani? Answer it!
635
00:31:28,800 --> 00:31:31,041
Hi. Yes, let me transfer you.
636
00:31:31,800 --> 00:31:33,689
Your job is to answer the phones.
637
00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:36,601
I'm getting ready for Secret Santa.
When is that again?
638
00:31:36,680 --> 00:31:39,729
It's at Christmastime.
When else would it be?
639
00:31:43,200 --> 00:31:45,362
I'm Brick. I was dead last week.
640
00:31:45,840 --> 00:31:47,126
I'm Chani.
641
00:31:47,520 --> 00:31:50,524
I like the place between
your head and your body.
642
00:31:50,840 --> 00:31:52,490
I like your hair.
643
00:31:53,880 --> 00:31:55,609
It looks like wet popcorn.
644
00:31:56,200 --> 00:31:57,690
Thank you.
645
00:31:57,760 --> 00:32:00,411
Would you like to see the smile that
I use when I pose for photographs?
646
00:32:00,520 --> 00:32:01,681
Yes, please.
647
00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:06,482
Do you want to see the face I make
when I see a snake made out of candy?
648
00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:07,761
Yes.
649
00:32:10,960 --> 00:32:12,041
That's good.
650
00:32:12,840 --> 00:32:14,649
What's your favorite time of day?
651
00:32:14,880 --> 00:32:15,881
Now.
652
00:32:17,200 --> 00:32:18,804
What's your favorite time of day?
653
00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:20,525
A minute ago.
654
00:32:21,720 --> 00:32:22,881
Um...
655
00:33:00,120 --> 00:33:02,248
Surprise! Big daddy's back.
656
00:33:02,360 --> 00:33:03,486
Ron.
657
00:33:05,120 --> 00:33:06,565
What are you doing here?
658
00:33:06,640 --> 00:33:09,405
I'm over at GNN.
I'm living in the city again.
659
00:33:09,920 --> 00:33:12,161
I really wish that
you would have called first.
660
00:33:12,240 --> 00:33:14,891
Look, it doesn't matter
whose fault the break-up was, okay?
661
00:33:14,960 --> 00:33:16,405
I was stubborn.
662
00:33:16,480 --> 00:33:21,122
You were like a mentally ill whore
having PMS from the 1800s.
663
00:33:21,200 --> 00:33:22,964
What's your point, Ron?
664
00:33:23,200 --> 00:33:27,046
The point is I'm back home.
665
00:33:27,280 --> 00:33:29,601
And I want to spend the rest of my life...
666
00:33:29,680 --> 00:33:31,205
Honey, who is it?
667
00:33:36,920 --> 00:33:39,605
Hi, Ron. I'm Gary, Veronica's lover.
668
00:33:48,160 --> 00:33:51,084
So, is that a gift for me, Ron?
669
00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:53,322
No, it's not.
670
00:33:54,640 --> 00:33:55,641
It's for Walter.
671
00:33:55,880 --> 00:33:56,927
Okay.
672
00:33:57,160 --> 00:33:59,288
So when were you going to
tell me about Gary?
673
00:33:59,360 --> 00:34:01,203
Ron. You walked out on me.
674
00:34:01,280 --> 00:34:04,090
What did you expect me to do?
675
00:34:04,440 --> 00:34:07,489
Ron. This is awkward, I know.
676
00:34:07,720 --> 00:34:10,883
I'm sitting here with your wife.
We make love.
677
00:34:11,240 --> 00:34:14,369
I'm this close to shooting
a flare gun at your dick.
678
00:34:14,440 --> 00:34:15,566
Oh, Ron!
679
00:34:15,840 --> 00:34:17,922
So what does this Gary
do for a living, huh?
680
00:34:18,000 --> 00:34:19,445
Have you done
a background check on him?
681
00:34:19,520 --> 00:34:20,931
Gary is actually
682
00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:24,447
one of the most successful
psychologists in all of Manhattan, Ron.
683
00:34:24,520 --> 00:34:25,567
Really sweet.
684
00:34:26,040 --> 00:34:27,530
Are you reading my mind right now?
685
00:34:27,680 --> 00:34:30,604
Ron, do you even know
what a psychologist is?
686
00:34:31,720 --> 00:34:33,210
Fuck you.
687
00:34:34,160 --> 00:34:35,207
Ron!
688
00:34:35,360 --> 00:34:36,805
- It's okay.
- You stop that!
689
00:34:36,880 --> 00:34:38,211
He's externalizing. That's okay.
690
00:34:38,280 --> 00:34:40,328
- No, it's not okay.
- He's mad.
691
00:34:40,400 --> 00:34:43,961
You knew I was going to throw that
punch 'cause you're reading my mind!
692
00:34:45,120 --> 00:34:47,088
Mom! I'm home!
693
00:34:47,280 --> 00:34:48,691
- Hey, little guy.
- Hey, darling.
694
00:34:48,760 --> 00:34:50,569
- Hi, Walter.
- Hey, Dad.
695
00:34:51,440 --> 00:34:52,726
I missed you!
696
00:34:53,080 --> 00:34:55,401
Walter, your father has a gift for you.
697
00:34:55,600 --> 00:34:59,002
I have a gift specifically for you, Walter.
698
00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:01,161
There you go.
699
00:35:01,240 --> 00:35:02,446
Yes, Gary.
700
00:35:07,560 --> 00:35:09,483
Okay, that's actually for me, Walter.
701
00:35:09,560 --> 00:35:11,767
No, it's not. It's for Walter.
702
00:35:11,880 --> 00:35:13,245
It's a superhero costume.
703
00:35:13,520 --> 00:35:14,726
What is it?
704
00:35:15,120 --> 00:35:17,646
It's "Lace Man."
It's a brand new superhero.
705
00:35:17,840 --> 00:35:20,081
I'm going to be Lace Man!
706
00:35:20,160 --> 00:35:21,924
Look, Ron. Joint custody isn't easy.
707
00:35:22,000 --> 00:35:26,244
But what we need to do is rally around
this little guy right now, okay?
708
00:35:26,360 --> 00:35:27,771
That's never gonna happen.
709
00:35:27,840 --> 00:35:29,251
- Oh...
- Excuse me?
710
00:35:29,320 --> 00:35:31,641
Because you, Veronica,
are unfit to be a mother!
711
00:35:31,720 --> 00:35:35,247
Need I remind you
that you took that child to a cock fight?
712
00:35:35,440 --> 00:35:37,169
- The game of champions!
- I'm Lace Man!
713
00:35:37,280 --> 00:35:38,725
He had the time of his life!
714
00:35:38,880 --> 00:35:40,723
He came home splattered in blood!
715
00:35:40,800 --> 00:35:43,690
He picked eight winning cocks.
It's never been done!
716
00:35:43,760 --> 00:35:45,489
You have never tried
to connect with Walter.
717
00:35:47,160 --> 00:35:49,401
All right, let's keep it civil
in front of the boy.
718
00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:52,927
It's bad enough his mother
likes to go down on rodeo clowns.
719
00:35:53,000 --> 00:35:55,162
- Okay, you know what, out!
- All right. Get your things! Let's go.
720
00:35:55,240 --> 00:35:56,207
Fine. I'm out of here.
721
00:35:56,280 --> 00:35:58,089
- Don't have to tell me twice.
- Get your things.
722
00:35:58,160 --> 00:36:00,640
- We'll see you guys later.
- Yes, you will.
723
00:36:00,760 --> 00:36:03,491
Goodbye, Dad! Thanks for the present.
724
00:36:03,560 --> 00:36:06,291
Goodbye, Walter, my little man.
725
00:36:06,720 --> 00:36:08,848
You promise to do good in school, okay?
726
00:36:09,520 --> 00:36:11,249
- Okay.
- And stay away from the he-shes.
727
00:36:11,320 --> 00:36:12,446
- Ron!
- Down in the Bowery.
728
00:36:12,520 --> 00:36:14,443
Ron, I don't think that's appropriate.
729
00:36:14,520 --> 00:36:16,249
I'll tell you, those fellas,
730
00:36:16,360 --> 00:36:18,203
they got the looks, they got the curves,
731
00:36:18,320 --> 00:36:20,049
they got the chi-chi's,
732
00:36:20,920 --> 00:36:22,843
and then at some point
during the evening,
733
00:36:22,920 --> 00:36:24,001
you reach down below the belt
734
00:36:24,080 --> 00:36:25,844
looking to get a little muffellita,
735
00:36:25,920 --> 00:36:29,083
and you get a handful
of the Battle of the Bulge.
736
00:36:29,440 --> 00:36:30,771
You hear what I'm saying, Walter?
737
00:36:30,920 --> 00:36:32,160
Yes, I do.
738
00:36:32,360 --> 00:36:33,725
Ron, it was nice meeting you.
739
00:36:33,800 --> 00:36:36,007
I think it's time for you to go.
740
00:36:36,640 --> 00:36:37,971
Oh, Ron!
741
00:36:38,840 --> 00:36:40,330
You knew!
742
00:36:40,400 --> 00:36:42,289
You anticipated that
because you're reading my mind!
743
00:36:42,360 --> 00:36:43,441
That confirms it!
744
00:36:51,240 --> 00:36:53,368
There's Lime!
745
00:36:53,480 --> 00:36:56,290
Look at him. He's a goddamn prince!
746
00:36:56,840 --> 00:36:59,764
Man, there's just something about him,
you know?
747
00:36:59,840 --> 00:37:01,808
I'd give anything to be friends with him.
748
00:37:02,120 --> 00:37:04,361
I don't see what the big deal is,
you know.
749
00:37:04,440 --> 00:37:05,805
He's not that great.
750
00:37:07,800 --> 00:37:09,006
What did you say?
751
00:37:09,800 --> 00:37:11,086
What's that?
752
00:37:11,200 --> 00:37:12,645
I heard you say something.
753
00:37:12,840 --> 00:37:14,001
Oh.
754
00:37:14,160 --> 00:37:16,561
Oh, what did I say?
Oh, nothing.
755
00:37:16,720 --> 00:37:18,324
Oh, no. I heard
you say something.
756
00:37:18,400 --> 00:37:19,731
He said you're not that great!
757
00:37:19,840 --> 00:37:20,841
Brick!
758
00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:22,889
Is that what you said about me?
759
00:37:23,000 --> 00:37:24,525
- He's coming over here.
- I know!
760
00:37:24,640 --> 00:37:26,483
I'm gonna rip this guy in half.
761
00:37:27,280 --> 00:37:29,647
No, no, no!
Just give me a little piece of him.
762
00:37:30,000 --> 00:37:32,048
Uh, Jack, look, it's just...
763
00:37:32,120 --> 00:37:35,602
The guys look up to you so much,
and I just was a little jealous.
764
00:37:35,680 --> 00:37:37,011
I just said some junk.
765
00:37:37,960 --> 00:37:39,200
That's funny.
766
00:37:39,280 --> 00:37:44,525
Aren't you the guy
who lost his job to his wife?
767
00:37:44,880 --> 00:37:46,325
Ooh!
768
00:37:47,080 --> 00:37:48,764
Shouldn't you be doing her makeup?
769
00:37:54,120 --> 00:37:56,691
- All right, guys, that's enough.
- No, shut up, Freddie!
770
00:37:57,040 --> 00:37:59,771
And you can shut your mouth,
okay, Jack "Lame!"
771
00:37:59,880 --> 00:38:02,486
- Ooh.
- Ooh!
772
00:38:04,000 --> 00:38:07,766
Yeah. Mr. Butt-Vagina's
got some fight in him.
773
00:38:07,840 --> 00:38:09,729
You listen to this one,
774
00:38:09,800 --> 00:38:10,881
- big fella.
- Yeah.
775
00:38:13,000 --> 00:38:16,607
I bet you that we beat
your ratings tonight.
776
00:38:18,640 --> 00:38:20,847
I'm sorry. I'm trying to keep it together.
777
00:38:20,920 --> 00:38:22,922
No, no, no. Don't do this. Don't do this.
778
00:38:23,000 --> 00:38:25,765
You're on at 2:00 a.m.
Jack has prime time!
779
00:38:25,880 --> 00:38:28,724
Maybe... No. Hey, Freddie, no, no. Hey.
780
00:38:29,480 --> 00:38:32,131
I'll take that bet. What are the stakes?
781
00:38:32,600 --> 00:38:35,444
If we lose, I'll leave New York.
782
00:38:36,440 --> 00:38:38,363
And I'll never read the news again.
783
00:38:38,760 --> 00:38:41,923
And if by some
snowball's chance in hell
784
00:38:42,000 --> 00:38:45,083
Mr. Mustache here
pulls a miracle out of his ass?
785
00:38:46,600 --> 00:38:50,924
You change your name to Jack Lame!
Legally.
786
00:38:51,360 --> 00:38:54,842
I like this!
You're on, Stretch.
787
00:38:55,040 --> 00:38:56,610
Everyone heard him?
788
00:38:56,680 --> 00:38:58,481
- Freddie, you heard him?
- Yeah. I heard him.
789
00:38:58,840 --> 00:39:01,491
- This is on like Pong.
- Okay. Good.
790
00:39:06,640 --> 00:39:08,881
Why? Why did you make that bet, Ron?
791
00:39:08,960 --> 00:39:11,486
We've got the graveyard shift!
We don't have a chance!
792
00:39:11,880 --> 00:39:13,484
- Hey, guy!
- Ah!
793
00:39:13,640 --> 00:39:15,768
This ain't local news anymore.
794
00:39:15,840 --> 00:39:17,330
We shit standing up here.
795
00:39:17,560 --> 00:39:18,607
What?
796
00:39:20,360 --> 00:39:23,603
It's a huge mess, but damn, is it cool!
797
00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:25,685
All right, everyone!
798
00:39:26,080 --> 00:39:27,969
Ladies and gentlemen,
799
00:39:28,520 --> 00:39:34,084
today wouldn't be possible
without the visionary behind GNN.
800
00:39:34,680 --> 00:39:36,921
Mr. Kench Allenby!
801
00:39:37,000 --> 00:39:38,809
Yeah, yeah!
802
00:39:40,080 --> 00:39:41,650
Thank you.
803
00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:44,682
All right, cheer.
804
00:39:45,520 --> 00:39:49,525
I am jabbered,
just jabbered, full of beans, no doubt.
805
00:39:49,600 --> 00:39:51,602
Does anyone else speak Australian?
806
00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:53,330
I thought they talked like us.
807
00:39:53,440 --> 00:39:56,444
Can I get you to say
with me, haw-ba-ya-ya!
808
00:39:58,920 --> 00:40:00,968
We can't quite understand you.
809
00:40:01,040 --> 00:40:03,771
How's this? I'm Kench Allenby.
810
00:40:04,080 --> 00:40:05,923
- Oh, yes. That's good.
- There we go! Thank you so much.
811
00:40:06,000 --> 00:40:09,322
I'm Kench Allenby
and you all know my story.
812
00:40:09,400 --> 00:40:10,526
I'm a self-made man.
813
00:40:11,000 --> 00:40:15,324
My late, great father, Vadge Allenby,
gave me $300 million,
814
00:40:15,400 --> 00:40:20,645
and I toiled my whole bloody life
to turn that into $305 million.
815
00:40:20,720 --> 00:40:22,370
True story. True story.
816
00:40:22,840 --> 00:40:24,080
Wow.
817
00:40:24,480 --> 00:40:26,881
But this is 24-hour news station...
818
00:40:26,960 --> 00:40:28,530
This is history.
819
00:40:28,600 --> 00:40:30,728
This is like Columbus
discovering the New World.
820
00:40:30,800 --> 00:40:35,727
And the captain of this fantastic
voyage is the best newsman in America,
821
00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:37,365
Mr. Jack Lime!
822
00:40:38,600 --> 00:40:40,921
Go get 'em, Jack! Go get 'em!
823
00:40:41,480 --> 00:40:44,051
Thank you.
And good luck to Ron Burgundy, too.
824
00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:45,965
Ooh.
825
00:40:46,040 --> 00:40:47,565
Getting nervous there, compadre?
826
00:40:48,920 --> 00:40:50,046
Let's do this.
827
00:40:50,240 --> 00:40:52,527
Did you see that?
How he spun on that desk? So great.
828
00:40:52,600 --> 00:40:54,204
All right. Quiet on the floor, please.
829
00:40:55,520 --> 00:40:56,760
All right.
830
00:40:56,840 --> 00:40:58,604
All right. We're up.
Here we go, here we go.
831
00:40:58,760 --> 00:41:02,367
In five, four, three, two...
832
00:41:04,040 --> 00:41:06,884
Good day, and welcome to GNN.
833
00:41:06,960 --> 00:41:10,851
Thank you for joining us on what we
believe to be a whole new era of news.
834
00:41:11,160 --> 00:41:12,400
I'm Jack Lime,
835
00:41:12,480 --> 00:41:16,849
your guide for this journey of events
we humbly call 24-hour news.
836
00:41:16,920 --> 00:41:18,888
Today's top story, Mount St. Helene.
837
00:41:18,960 --> 00:41:22,043
Oh, this is just a gimmick.
It's a flash in the pan.
838
00:41:22,120 --> 00:41:23,451
We better hope so.
839
00:41:23,560 --> 00:41:25,130
Residents are being asked
to evacuate the area...
840
00:41:25,200 --> 00:41:26,804
Twenty-four hours of news.
841
00:41:26,920 --> 00:41:29,651
How are they gonna keep
coming up with this stuff?
842
00:41:29,720 --> 00:41:33,008
My guess is they'll probably be scraping
the bottom of the barrel.
843
00:41:33,080 --> 00:41:35,765
No, I have a feeling
they'll stick with their integrity
844
00:41:35,840 --> 00:41:38,571
and only report
the news that needs to be reported.
845
00:41:39,120 --> 00:41:40,167
Let's see here.
846
00:41:40,240 --> 00:41:44,290
"Global temperatures rise half a degree,
alarm climate scientists." Boring.
847
00:41:44,800 --> 00:41:47,610
"China could dominate
the world economy in the next decade."
848
00:41:48,280 --> 00:41:50,282
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun,
dun-dun
849
00:41:50,400 --> 00:41:51,526
Nope.
850
00:41:51,800 --> 00:41:52,926
Anyone else?
851
00:41:53,000 --> 00:41:54,570
What if we show a porno
instead of the news?
852
00:41:54,680 --> 00:41:55,681
Freddie?
853
00:41:55,920 --> 00:41:57,684
No. Absolutely not.
854
00:41:58,240 --> 00:42:00,846
I know. What if we get
one of those wildlife handlers?
855
00:42:00,920 --> 00:42:04,003
We have him bring in, oh, big game cats.
856
00:42:04,080 --> 00:42:08,369
You know, wild, dangerous tigers
and lions and leopards and the such.
857
00:42:08,440 --> 00:42:12,161
We let them loose inside the studio
with about a dozen chickens.
858
00:42:12,240 --> 00:42:16,086
We play rock music.
And we just call it Let Her Rip.
859
00:42:16,160 --> 00:42:18,083
I'd watch that. I'd watch that.
860
00:42:18,160 --> 00:42:19,491
Let Her Rip?
861
00:42:19,560 --> 00:42:23,167
You're describing the end of civilization.
That's not news!
862
00:42:23,240 --> 00:42:24,844
If that's the end of times, I'm...
863
00:42:24,920 --> 00:42:28,242
I got a front-row seat
with a big tub of buttered popcorn
864
00:42:28,320 --> 00:42:31,403
and a greasy half-live chicken leg.
865
00:42:31,480 --> 00:42:33,847
Okay, so obviously this is
a waste of time. I'm done.
866
00:42:33,920 --> 00:42:35,046
Freddie! Come on!
867
00:42:35,120 --> 00:42:36,610
We're just brainstorming here.
868
00:42:36,800 --> 00:42:39,406
We're trying to figure out how
to make the news less boring,
869
00:42:39,480 --> 00:42:41,642
and you act like we peed
in your milkshake.
870
00:42:41,880 --> 00:42:44,121
The news is supposed to be boring, Ron!
871
00:42:44,200 --> 00:42:45,770
This is serious stuff.
872
00:42:46,160 --> 00:42:48,447
You're the one that made this stupid bet!
873
00:42:48,680 --> 00:42:51,889
I just don't know why
we have to tell the people
874
00:42:51,960 --> 00:42:53,883
what they need to hear.
875
00:42:54,160 --> 00:42:56,606
Why can't we just tell them
what they want to hear?
876
00:42:57,440 --> 00:42:59,169
Wait, wait, wait.
877
00:43:00,720 --> 00:43:01,960
Say that again.
878
00:43:02,240 --> 00:43:05,323
I said, why do we have to tell the people
879
00:43:05,400 --> 00:43:07,528
what they need to hear?
880
00:43:08,000 --> 00:43:10,162
Why can't we just tell them
what they want to hear?
881
00:43:10,320 --> 00:43:12,209
And what do they want to hear, Ron?
882
00:43:12,480 --> 00:43:15,484
That we live in the greatest country
God ever created.
883
00:43:16,040 --> 00:43:18,520
- Damn straight!
- Made him happy.
884
00:43:18,760 --> 00:43:20,842
And we should do stories on patriots.
885
00:43:21,160 --> 00:43:24,289
Cute, funny little animals, huh? Or diets.
886
00:43:24,360 --> 00:43:27,330
Why blondes have more fun.
887
00:43:27,560 --> 00:43:29,324
And serious investigative pieces,
888
00:43:29,400 --> 00:43:31,846
about how much ejaculate
is on hotel duvets.
889
00:43:32,160 --> 00:43:34,322
And only the best sports highlights.
890
00:43:34,400 --> 00:43:37,882
Home runs, slam dunks,
touchdowns and no soccer.
891
00:43:38,040 --> 00:43:39,246
I like the wind!
892
00:43:39,400 --> 00:43:41,528
Brick's right. People love hurricanes.
893
00:43:41,600 --> 00:43:43,364
Tornadoes, earthquakes, floods,
894
00:43:43,440 --> 00:43:44,965
we'll throw Brick right in the middle of it.
895
00:43:45,040 --> 00:43:46,041
You'd do that?
896
00:43:46,960 --> 00:43:48,405
People'll go nuts. I'd watch that!
897
00:43:48,640 --> 00:43:51,723
No, this goes against every rule
898
00:43:51,800 --> 00:43:54,406
of broadcast journalism I know.
899
00:43:54,720 --> 00:43:58,122
Freddie, as the wise man once said,
900
00:43:58,320 --> 00:43:59,526
"So?"
901
00:44:00,120 --> 00:44:01,963
We got 10 hours till we go on.
902
00:44:02,040 --> 00:44:03,371
We'll only need eight!
903
00:44:11,480 --> 00:44:13,244
Lady
904
00:44:14,560 --> 00:44:17,803
I'm your knight in shining armor
905
00:44:18,280 --> 00:44:20,248
And I love you
906
00:44:21,600 --> 00:44:25,650
You have made me what I am
907
00:44:26,600 --> 00:44:29,046
And I am yours
908
00:44:34,480 --> 00:44:36,482
My love...
909
00:44:39,480 --> 00:44:41,801
- Is that candy?
- I don't know.
910
00:44:48,080 --> 00:44:49,161
It is candy.
911
00:44:50,480 --> 00:44:52,721
- I like you.
- I like you.
912
00:44:53,600 --> 00:44:55,329
Tell me something about you.
913
00:44:56,000 --> 00:44:59,129
Well, I'm 19 years old.
My middle name is Courtney.
914
00:44:59,320 --> 00:45:02,881
I can always guess how many
jelly beans are in a jelly bean jar,
915
00:45:02,960 --> 00:45:04,325
even if it's not right.
916
00:45:04,560 --> 00:45:06,005
What about you?
917
00:45:06,320 --> 00:45:08,402
My name is Chani Lastnamé.
918
00:45:08,480 --> 00:45:11,211
I'm a real go-getter
and a person people.
919
00:45:11,640 --> 00:45:15,929
I can type 50 words a minute
with only 300 errors.
920
00:45:16,520 --> 00:45:18,568
I'm trained and certified...
921
00:45:18,640 --> 00:45:20,608
To fire a
military-grade missile launcher.
922
00:45:20,680 --> 00:45:21,681
Me, too.
923
00:45:22,960 --> 00:45:25,964
Chani, I just got
these phone messages from last week.
924
00:45:26,040 --> 00:45:27,485
You mailed them to me?
925
00:45:27,560 --> 00:45:29,642
How else was I gonna get them to you?
926
00:45:29,960 --> 00:45:31,610
You hand them to me.
927
00:45:31,680 --> 00:45:32,841
Oh.
928
00:45:33,000 --> 00:45:35,401
You are the dumbest person
I've met in my entire life,
929
00:45:35,480 --> 00:45:37,767
and that's not an exaggeration.
930
00:45:37,880 --> 00:45:39,041
That makes me feel bad.
931
00:45:39,120 --> 00:45:41,248
Well, it's the truth, Chani.
932
00:45:41,320 --> 00:45:42,890
You!
933
00:45:43,240 --> 00:45:46,130
- Leave her alone!
- Excuse me, sir.
934
00:45:47,120 --> 00:45:50,841
Get your filthy hands off of her!
935
00:45:50,920 --> 00:45:52,126
Help, help!
936
00:45:52,200 --> 00:45:53,281
Excuse me, sir!
937
00:45:53,360 --> 00:45:55,567
- Leave me alone, lady!
- Excuse me!
938
00:45:55,640 --> 00:45:58,405
She is a goddess among women!
939
00:46:01,080 --> 00:46:02,366
Glen!
940
00:46:03,000 --> 00:46:04,650
MY phone messages!
941
00:46:04,720 --> 00:46:06,722
Leave him alone!
942
00:46:06,920 --> 00:46:08,046
Not today!
943
00:46:08,680 --> 00:46:11,570
- She has butterflies in her heart!
- Chani!
944
00:46:11,640 --> 00:46:14,530
I can see you behind that desk,
and you're fired!
945
00:46:14,600 --> 00:46:15,726
Why?
946
00:46:24,680 --> 00:46:26,250
Are you okay?
947
00:46:26,880 --> 00:46:28,769
You saved my life.
948
00:46:29,200 --> 00:46:31,089
She was trying to set me on fire.
949
00:46:31,400 --> 00:46:33,880
I didn't ask for these powers.
950
00:46:33,960 --> 00:46:35,405
I was given them.
951
00:46:35,720 --> 00:46:39,691
Last night a bird chased me,
952
00:46:40,040 --> 00:46:42,042
and I wished it was you.
953
00:46:43,040 --> 00:46:44,610
Can we go to a date?
954
00:46:44,680 --> 00:46:46,444
Yes.
955
00:47:00,720 --> 00:47:04,088
Dear God, please help me pull this off.
956
00:47:04,320 --> 00:47:08,530
I swear, if you help me,
I will become a monk.
957
00:47:08,600 --> 00:47:11,649
I will shave my head
and become a monk...
958
00:47:12,080 --> 00:47:14,651
Ah, who are we kidding?
I'm not going to do that.
959
00:47:14,800 --> 00:47:16,040
Oh, did you hear?
960
00:47:16,120 --> 00:47:18,160
Evan said there's
some strange copy in the prompter.
961
00:47:18,400 --> 00:47:19,686
It's 2:00 a.m.
962
00:47:19,760 --> 00:47:21,888
It's Freddie Shapp's ass,
not mine. Let's go.
963
00:47:21,960 --> 00:47:25,681
People who change history
are rarely aware of it while doing so.
964
00:47:26,440 --> 00:47:31,446
Ron and his news team simply thought
they were making the news more fun.
965
00:47:31,760 --> 00:47:36,846
Little did they know they were changing
the course of broadcast history forever.
966
00:47:36,920 --> 00:47:39,969
Hello, America.
It's 2:00 a.m. Eastern time.
967
00:47:40,320 --> 00:47:44,086
I'm Ron Burgundy,
and tonight's top story is
968
00:47:44,320 --> 00:47:45,685
America.
969
00:47:45,960 --> 00:47:47,769
She's the greatest country in the world.
970
00:47:47,880 --> 00:47:49,723
Heck, the history of the world!
971
00:47:49,800 --> 00:47:50,881
You're damn right!
972
00:47:53,440 --> 00:47:56,011
Too much of the news
is about what's wrong with America.
973
00:47:56,080 --> 00:47:57,047
Amen, brother!
974
00:47:57,120 --> 00:48:00,010
Well, tonight, our top story
is what's right with America.
975
00:48:00,560 --> 00:48:02,847
Someone's finally
talking sense on the TV.
976
00:48:02,920 --> 00:48:05,241
For starters, we kick butt.
977
00:48:05,360 --> 00:48:07,647
Nazi butt. Russian butt.
978
00:48:07,800 --> 00:48:09,245
What the hell is he doing?
979
00:48:09,320 --> 00:48:10,810
He's talking about America.
980
00:48:10,880 --> 00:48:12,360
Why, do you have a problem with that?
981
00:48:12,480 --> 00:48:15,131
Tonight I begin part one
of my 11-part series
982
00:48:15,240 --> 00:48:17,971
on the power and mystery
of the human vagina.
983
00:48:18,240 --> 00:48:19,765
This series will be a tasteful look
984
00:48:19,840 --> 00:48:22,446
at just what makes a vagina tick,
985
00:48:22,640 --> 00:48:25,086
as well as a look
at the 50 greatest vaginas
986
00:48:25,160 --> 00:48:26,321
of the 20th century.
987
00:48:26,560 --> 00:48:27,641
Son of a bitch!
988
00:48:29,320 --> 00:48:31,084
One final question,
and I'll let you go.
989
00:48:31,160 --> 00:48:34,130
Who tops the list of
the top 50 greatest vaginas?
990
00:48:34,200 --> 00:48:36,362
Well, I don't want to give anything away.
991
00:48:36,440 --> 00:48:38,488
I thought I had you.
992
00:48:38,840 --> 00:48:40,444
I will give you number two.
993
00:48:40,560 --> 00:48:41,766
- Please.
- Madame Curie.
994
00:48:41,840 --> 00:48:43,524
Of course. Of course.
995
00:48:43,840 --> 00:48:45,126
Whammy! Whammy!
996
00:48:45,200 --> 00:48:47,043
Whammy! Whammy! Whammy!
997
00:48:47,120 --> 00:48:49,009
Whammy!
998
00:48:54,680 --> 00:48:55,761
Whammy!
999
00:48:55,840 --> 00:48:57,001
Back to you, Ron.
1000
00:48:57,200 --> 00:48:59,965
The wind is really windy.
1001
00:49:00,080 --> 00:49:02,481
Brick? Brick, can you hear me?
1002
00:49:02,560 --> 00:49:04,210
I can't hear you, Ron!
1003
00:49:04,440 --> 00:49:06,647
Okay, but you're answering the question,
1004
00:49:06,720 --> 00:49:08,165
so I think you can hear me.
1005
00:49:08,240 --> 00:49:09,321
No, I can!
1006
00:49:09,400 --> 00:49:11,164
Brick, do you think there is any danger
1007
00:49:11,240 --> 00:49:12,571
to the average person out there?
1008
00:49:12,640 --> 00:49:15,120
I'm afraid for the animals
of New York, Ron.
1009
00:49:15,560 --> 00:49:20,043
I saw a woman,
and her dog never touched the ground.
1010
00:49:20,200 --> 00:49:23,727
You're saying wind gusts
as fast as a supersonic jet?
1011
00:49:23,960 --> 00:49:26,327
It looked like
she was walking a dog balloon.
1012
00:49:26,680 --> 00:49:27,920
And go... Switch.
1013
00:49:28,360 --> 00:49:31,728
And for our eighth
and final animal story of the night,
1014
00:49:31,800 --> 00:49:34,485
it looks like residents
of North Yulk, Montana,
1015
00:49:34,560 --> 00:49:36,000
have found the cutest little patriot
1016
00:49:36,040 --> 00:49:38,008
on God's green earth.
1017
00:49:41,560 --> 00:49:43,130
Look at that little guy!
1018
00:49:44,240 --> 00:49:47,005
Oh, wow, he was having some fun.
1019
00:49:47,720 --> 00:49:50,485
Well, for all of us here at GNN,
1020
00:49:50,560 --> 00:49:52,324
I'm Ron Burgundy.
1021
00:49:52,400 --> 00:49:54,607
And don't just have a great night,
1022
00:49:54,720 --> 00:49:56,768
have an American night.
1023
00:49:59,920 --> 00:50:01,331
And we're out!
1024
00:50:01,400 --> 00:50:03,209
Wow!
1025
00:50:03,920 --> 00:50:05,524
I couldn't take my eyes
1026
00:50:05,600 --> 00:50:07,090
- off the screen!
- Yes.
1027
00:50:07,440 --> 00:50:09,681
You were electric, Ron! Whammy!
1028
00:50:09,760 --> 00:50:11,569
That just felt right! That felt right!
1029
00:50:11,640 --> 00:50:12,846
I was outside!
1030
00:50:12,920 --> 00:50:15,287
You sure were, Brick. Wonderful job.
1031
00:50:15,360 --> 00:50:16,850
Amazing. Great job.
1032
00:50:16,920 --> 00:50:20,686
What the hell was that?
What the hell was that?
1033
00:50:21,200 --> 00:50:22,531
Hey, hey, hey. Take it easy, Linda.
1034
00:50:22,600 --> 00:50:24,045
We were just trying something new.
1035
00:50:24,120 --> 00:50:25,724
You changed the format
of the entire show
1036
00:50:25,800 --> 00:50:27,529
without consulting me?
That's unacceptable!
1037
00:50:27,760 --> 00:50:30,730
Damn straight, sister.
We just done went and brought it!
1038
00:50:30,800 --> 00:50:33,406
And here's the truth.
You can't handle it, little mama!
1039
00:50:33,480 --> 00:50:36,165
Get out!
You are all terminated immediately.
1040
00:50:36,520 --> 00:50:38,204
If you were a man, I'd knock you out.
1041
00:50:38,480 --> 00:50:41,165
Oh. Oh, really? Well, go ahead!
1042
00:50:41,240 --> 00:50:43,368
Take a swing! Take your best shot!
1043
00:50:44,040 --> 00:50:45,246
I have five brothers,
1044
00:50:45,320 --> 00:50:47,482
and two of them are defensive backs
in the NFL, so come on!
1045
00:50:47,560 --> 00:50:49,164
- You want me to do it?
- Yeah.
1046
00:50:49,240 --> 00:50:50,765
This thing's not gonna feel good.
1047
00:50:50,840 --> 00:50:51,807
Do it, Ron. Just do it.
1048
00:50:51,880 --> 00:50:53,928
Are you scared? What's the problem?
1049
00:50:54,080 --> 00:50:56,048
Is he a chicken? Are you a chicken?
1050
00:50:59,560 --> 00:51:00,721
I'm not a chicken at all.
1051
00:51:00,840 --> 00:51:03,127
I'm going to make
that mustache of yours all bloody.
1052
00:51:04,960 --> 00:51:06,121
Well...
1053
00:51:06,600 --> 00:51:08,329
Seems like you're buying time, Ron.
1054
00:51:08,400 --> 00:51:09,811
I'm not buying time.
1055
00:51:09,920 --> 00:51:13,481
Ron! Just do what men have been doing
for thousands of years,
1056
00:51:13,560 --> 00:51:15,164
and punch the woman.
1057
00:51:15,240 --> 00:51:16,526
- Punch her!
- You're stalling.
1058
00:51:16,600 --> 00:51:17,601
Punch the woman!
1059
00:51:17,720 --> 00:51:20,690
Here comes the Toledo Express.
All aboard!
1060
00:51:24,400 --> 00:51:25,811
Ron! No!
1061
00:51:28,040 --> 00:51:29,451
I didn't do it!
1062
00:51:31,760 --> 00:51:34,445
Mama, your baby's hurt.
1063
00:51:34,920 --> 00:51:36,410
Your baby.
1064
00:51:37,960 --> 00:51:40,566
What is that sound you're making?
Good Lord!
1065
00:51:42,400 --> 00:51:44,448
You sound like a balloon.
1066
00:51:44,680 --> 00:51:46,125
Pull yourself together, man.
1067
00:51:46,280 --> 00:51:47,520
Security!
1068
00:51:47,600 --> 00:51:49,443
They saw my pee-pee.
1069
00:51:49,520 --> 00:51:52,364
The eighth grade boys saw my pee-pee!
1070
00:51:52,640 --> 00:51:54,529
Did you say they saw your pee-pee?
1071
00:51:54,600 --> 00:51:57,080
In the locker room,
they saw my pee-pee.
1072
00:51:57,400 --> 00:51:59,528
You just knocked him
back into fifth grade.
1073
00:51:59,600 --> 00:52:00,806
Get him out of here!
1074
00:52:02,400 --> 00:52:04,323
Bugger me with a didgeridoo.
1075
00:52:04,640 --> 00:52:05,926
We knew we'd struggle to start,
1076
00:52:06,000 --> 00:52:08,571
but these ratings
are lower than I'd even imagined.
1077
00:52:08,640 --> 00:52:10,529
Thank God
for the 2:00 a.m. spike.
1078
00:52:10,600 --> 00:52:12,329
It really saved our whole launch.
1079
00:52:12,600 --> 00:52:14,887
Spike? What are you talking about?
1080
00:52:15,280 --> 00:52:16,327
What spike?
1081
00:52:16,520 --> 00:52:18,568
Burgundy. Who's Ron Burgundy?
1082
00:52:18,640 --> 00:52:20,722
No, no, no, this can't be right.
1083
00:52:22,000 --> 00:52:26,688
His team start at a .2,
and then they finish at a 5.6?
1084
00:52:26,760 --> 00:52:29,923
That's unbelievable!
They tripled Jack Lime's numbers!
1085
00:52:30,040 --> 00:52:33,203
How is that even possible?
Who are these guys?
1086
00:52:33,560 --> 00:52:36,166
They're a local team out of San Diego.
1087
00:52:36,480 --> 00:52:37,641
You little beauty!
1088
00:52:37,840 --> 00:52:39,649
Well, they no longer work for us.
1089
00:52:41,840 --> 00:52:43,046
I fired them.
1090
00:52:43,360 --> 00:52:48,651
Well, guys, it goes without saying
I owe you gentlemen an apology.
1091
00:52:48,800 --> 00:52:53,647
I dragged you out here and this thing
was a disaster from the word "go."
1092
00:52:53,720 --> 00:52:56,291
No, Ron, don't you beat yourself up.
1093
00:52:56,400 --> 00:52:58,004
Yeah, it's all right, Ron.
1094
00:52:58,160 --> 00:52:59,366
Gin.
1095
00:53:00,680 --> 00:53:02,648
Brian, any idea what you might do next?
1096
00:53:02,720 --> 00:53:04,051
Gonna head back to L.A.
1097
00:53:04,120 --> 00:53:05,770
I got a good group of buddies out there.
1098
00:53:05,840 --> 00:53:08,650
O.J. Simpson.
Phil Spector. Robert Blake.
1099
00:53:08,720 --> 00:53:10,449
Sounds like a fun crew.
1100
00:53:10,520 --> 00:53:12,204
We go out cruising chicks.
1101
00:53:12,280 --> 00:53:13,964
Call ourselves the "Ladykillers."
1102
00:53:14,040 --> 00:53:16,520
I love that name. You should get it
on the back of matching jackets.
1103
00:53:16,600 --> 00:53:18,125
That's not a bad idea.
1104
00:53:21,560 --> 00:53:23,369
Uh, guys?
1105
00:53:25,240 --> 00:53:26,480
Hey.
1106
00:53:26,720 --> 00:53:28,529
I got some news.
1107
00:53:28,720 --> 00:53:31,451
Freddie, we don't exactly want to hear
the word "news" right now.
1108
00:53:31,600 --> 00:53:32,806
Yeah.
1109
00:53:32,880 --> 00:53:36,407
You're right. Forget it.
Forget I was even here.
1110
00:53:36,880 --> 00:53:39,770
Forget that GNN wants you back.
1111
00:53:40,520 --> 00:53:44,730
For a prime time slot and a raise in pay.
1112
00:53:45,080 --> 00:53:48,323
Quit yanking our penises, Freddie!
What's the deal?
1113
00:53:48,400 --> 00:53:50,641
Yeah! Quit yanking our anuses.
1114
00:53:50,720 --> 00:53:52,927
No. I'm not yanking your...
1115
00:53:54,560 --> 00:53:57,370
Your ratings went through the roof.
1116
00:53:57,440 --> 00:54:00,171
People love what you did.
1117
00:54:00,840 --> 00:54:02,729
You're a success!
1118
00:54:02,840 --> 00:54:07,562
Get it? You're a great, big, fat success!
1119
00:54:08,080 --> 00:54:10,526
By the bed pan of Gene Rayburn!
1120
00:54:10,920 --> 00:54:13,048
It's total crap
and they can't stop watching!
1121
00:54:14,240 --> 00:54:17,130
The news team
had been famous in San Diego,
1122
00:54:17,200 --> 00:54:20,363
but that was small time
compared to New York.
1123
00:54:20,960 --> 00:54:23,122
This fame was a rocket ship.
1124
00:54:23,200 --> 00:54:27,683
A rocket ship that had free drinks
and topless stewardesses.
1125
00:54:27,760 --> 00:54:29,728
That'll do it for all of us here at GNN.
1126
00:54:29,800 --> 00:54:33,407
Thank God for the events,
thank me for the news.
1127
00:54:33,480 --> 00:54:34,891
I'm Jack...
1128
00:54:38,040 --> 00:54:39,166
...Lame.
1129
00:54:43,160 --> 00:54:45,162
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
1130
00:54:45,240 --> 00:54:46,571
More graphics, all right?
1131
00:54:46,640 --> 00:54:48,244
But there's already a lot.
1132
00:54:48,320 --> 00:54:50,561
Hey, you heard the man. More graphics.
1133
00:54:50,680 --> 00:54:53,251
Let a citizen ask a question here,
for God's sake!
1134
00:54:53,320 --> 00:54:56,767
Can Father Ron please shut
his mouth for half a second?
1135
00:54:59,320 --> 00:55:00,890
This is against everything
1136
00:55:00,960 --> 00:55:03,122
that I have worked for my entire life.
1137
00:55:03,200 --> 00:55:04,531
Oh, honey, come on.
1138
00:55:29,080 --> 00:55:31,082
If you're like me, you need an underwear
1139
00:55:31,160 --> 00:55:32,924
that fits your active lifestyle.
1140
00:55:33,040 --> 00:55:35,771
At finer specialty and department stores.
1141
00:55:35,840 --> 00:55:38,605
I'm weatherman Brick Tamland,
and I like butter.
1142
00:55:38,680 --> 00:55:42,810
Butter is nutritious and it tastes great.
1143
00:55:43,280 --> 00:55:44,964
Butter!
1144
00:55:46,800 --> 00:55:49,326
There's something new
on the New York social scene.
1145
00:55:49,400 --> 00:55:52,085
It's fun, relatively benign
and costs about as much
1146
00:55:52,200 --> 00:55:54,441
as a soda pop at the local drugstore.
1147
00:55:54,520 --> 00:55:55,931
Here's Brian Fantana
1148
00:55:56,000 --> 00:55:58,241
on why everyone who is someone
1149
00:55:58,320 --> 00:56:00,448
is lighting up to smoke crack.
1150
00:56:00,520 --> 00:56:02,921
Now, Brian,
I understand we have some crack
1151
00:56:03,000 --> 00:56:04,684
and we're going to smoke it
right here in the studio.
1152
00:56:04,760 --> 00:56:06,046
I don't know if we can get a shot of that.
1153
00:56:06,120 --> 00:56:08,009
What is that? Did you know
they were gonna have that?
1154
00:56:08,080 --> 00:56:09,127
No.
1155
00:56:09,320 --> 00:56:12,449
Now, what you're gonna do is,
you're gonna put your rock in the pipe.
1156
00:56:12,520 --> 00:56:14,921
Is that where the phrase "Put it in
your pipe and smoke it" comes from?
1157
00:56:15,000 --> 00:56:16,411
I don't care.
1158
00:56:16,480 --> 00:56:18,687
- I love it when you do cooking segments.
- Mmm.
1159
00:56:21,600 --> 00:56:23,045
Oh! Oh, whoa!
1160
00:56:23,120 --> 00:56:24,485
You feel that right away.
1161
00:56:24,560 --> 00:56:27,609
Wow, that's good. That's good.
That's an immediate state of euphoria.
1162
00:56:27,680 --> 00:56:31,571
You'll be surprised.
The effect, it happens very... Ohh!
1163
00:56:31,800 --> 00:56:33,609
It's just refreshing.
1164
00:56:33,680 --> 00:56:35,762
They're actually enjoying it.
1165
00:56:35,840 --> 00:56:37,888
Of course they're enjoying it. It's crack.
1166
00:56:40,480 --> 00:56:42,084
Well, now we know, guys,
1167
00:56:42,160 --> 00:56:44,401
you can't smoke crack on live television.
1168
00:56:56,000 --> 00:56:57,126
Ha!
1169
00:56:57,200 --> 00:56:59,282
You know what would
make this great day even better?
1170
00:56:59,360 --> 00:57:00,361
What?
1171
00:57:00,560 --> 00:57:02,483
Perms for everyone!
1172
00:57:02,560 --> 00:57:03,607
Yay!
1173
00:57:15,520 --> 00:57:17,363
Please come in and shut the door.
1174
00:57:22,240 --> 00:57:24,129
If this is about sweeps, um,
1175
00:57:24,200 --> 00:57:27,044
I think Brian Fantana
found an outstanding story.
1176
00:57:27,120 --> 00:57:29,327
It's about airplane parts
1177
00:57:29,400 --> 00:57:34,486
that are falling off of airplanes out of
the sky and hitting the ground, people.
1178
00:57:34,560 --> 00:57:36,562
We're calling it "Death From Above."
We might do some...
1179
00:57:36,680 --> 00:57:38,250
You. Come here.
1180
00:57:43,400 --> 00:57:45,164
I've been watching you.
1181
00:57:45,240 --> 00:57:46,605
You have?
1182
00:57:48,120 --> 00:57:50,248
I've been watching you a lot.
1183
00:57:51,560 --> 00:57:53,164
And you just do whatever you want.
1184
00:57:53,280 --> 00:57:55,931
Well,
I'm a bit of a maverick, I guess.
1185
00:57:56,000 --> 00:57:57,764
You don't follow the format.
1186
00:57:57,840 --> 00:58:00,241
You pretty much walk around like...
1187
00:58:01,000 --> 00:58:02,445
Like you're king of the world.
1188
00:58:02,760 --> 00:58:05,445
I'm just a worker bee. That's all I am.
1189
00:58:06,040 --> 00:58:07,929
- You know what?
- What?
1190
00:58:08,280 --> 00:58:09,281
Oh!
1191
00:58:12,840 --> 00:58:14,604
I find it hot as shit!
1192
00:58:15,000 --> 00:58:16,809
Are you going to hurt me?
1193
00:58:16,880 --> 00:58:18,325
Here's the thing, Mr. Burgundy.
1194
00:58:18,400 --> 00:58:21,131
You're a shooting star
and I want to go for a ride.
1195
00:58:21,640 --> 00:58:23,369
God, I'm so afraid right now.
1196
00:58:23,440 --> 00:58:25,488
Now, I want to hear you meow like a cat.
1197
00:58:29,920 --> 00:58:31,729
Now, I want you to bark like a dog.
1198
00:58:31,800 --> 00:58:34,280
Bark. Bark. Bark!
1199
00:58:34,360 --> 00:58:35,885
Like a puppy. Like a puppy.
1200
00:58:41,360 --> 00:58:42,850
Yeah. Come on! Do it!
1201
00:58:42,920 --> 00:58:44,888
Mmm.
1202
00:58:45,200 --> 00:58:46,486
Aw.
1203
00:58:46,640 --> 00:58:48,165
Don't cry.
1204
00:58:49,720 --> 00:58:51,370
It's sexual and yet frightening.
1205
00:58:51,440 --> 00:58:53,124
It's an odd mixture.
1206
00:58:53,960 --> 00:58:55,007
Come in.
1207
00:58:56,000 --> 00:58:57,240
Uh, Linda.
1208
00:58:57,320 --> 00:58:59,288
Excuse me, Linda.
1209
00:58:59,680 --> 00:59:01,808
Ron, Jack wants to know
1210
00:59:01,880 --> 00:59:05,248
if he can go back to calling himself
Jack Lime instead of Jack Lame.
1211
00:59:05,320 --> 00:59:06,845
He's really struggling with it.
1212
00:59:06,960 --> 00:59:09,531
No. Can't. It's a bet.
1213
00:59:09,720 --> 00:59:11,245
Oh, Jesus!
1214
00:59:11,320 --> 00:59:12,970
If you want to change it, you can.
1215
00:59:13,440 --> 00:59:14,566
Like what?
1216
00:59:14,640 --> 00:59:15,721
Art Areola.
1217
00:59:15,800 --> 00:59:18,087
No! No, that's worse!
You know it's worse!
1218
00:59:18,480 --> 00:59:20,801
How about this one?
You can call yourself Dick Fuck.
1219
00:59:20,880 --> 00:59:22,962
Spell it P-H-U-C.
1220
00:59:23,040 --> 00:59:25,042
You'll be huge
in the Vietnamese community.
1221
00:59:25,200 --> 00:59:26,201
Freddie, I can't.
1222
00:59:26,280 --> 00:59:29,170
Listen to me, Burgundy.
This is far from over, do you hear me?
1223
00:59:30,000 --> 00:59:32,082
I'll see you on the playground.
1224
00:59:35,120 --> 00:59:36,451
Well.
1225
00:59:37,880 --> 00:59:43,808
This, uh, meeting
has been very productive.
1226
00:59:43,880 --> 00:59:45,769
You can pick me up at 8:00.
1227
00:59:46,120 --> 00:59:50,489
Okay, I'm very confused
by what's going on here.
1228
00:59:51,440 --> 00:59:52,566
Get out!
1229
01:00:02,480 --> 01:00:03,561
Oh, Ron.
1230
01:00:03,640 --> 01:00:08,851
Ron, you are missing some real
high-quality Garfield laughs over here!
1231
01:00:08,920 --> 01:00:10,729
I think our boss just raped me.
1232
01:00:10,800 --> 01:00:11,926
What?
1233
01:00:12,000 --> 01:00:13,604
I don't know what happened.
1234
01:00:13,680 --> 01:00:15,409
All a bit of a blur.
1235
01:00:15,480 --> 01:00:19,121
There was hands and hair,
and breath, and lips.
1236
01:00:19,200 --> 01:00:20,850
There might have been
other people, I don't know.
1237
01:00:20,920 --> 01:00:22,206
Sounds like she wants you.
1238
01:00:22,280 --> 01:00:23,327
Hey, man.
1239
01:00:23,400 --> 01:00:25,641
Women have been all over me
since we got crazy famous.
1240
01:00:25,720 --> 01:00:29,327
Not to brag or anything, but I just gave
Florence Henderson crabs.
1241
01:00:29,520 --> 01:00:32,842
That is in no way a brag, Brian.
That's horrible.
1242
01:00:33,200 --> 01:00:36,283
Hey, it's just doing something beautiful,
that two people do.
1243
01:00:36,400 --> 01:00:38,607
Except one of them has
microscopic dust mites
1244
01:00:38,680 --> 01:00:41,000
- all over his penis and testicles.
- I'm just saying,
1245
01:00:41,040 --> 01:00:43,964
the mom of The Brady Bunch
had a fun time with you,
1246
01:00:44,040 --> 01:00:47,249
and then woke up the next day
and realized she had crabs.
1247
01:00:47,320 --> 01:00:50,085
I gave her a whole Brady Bunch of crabs.
1248
01:00:50,200 --> 01:00:51,486
Sounds to me like it's her fault
1249
01:00:51,560 --> 01:00:53,164
for being a randy gal.
1250
01:00:53,240 --> 01:00:54,571
I have a date!
1251
01:00:54,640 --> 01:00:56,005
Brick has a date?
1252
01:00:56,080 --> 01:00:57,127
Good for Brick!
1253
01:00:57,200 --> 01:00:58,361
What's a date?
1254
01:00:58,440 --> 01:01:00,886
A date is simply
when two people get together,
1255
01:01:00,960 --> 01:01:02,450
do something social, have a few drinks,
1256
01:01:02,520 --> 01:01:03,681
yadda-yadda-yadda...
1257
01:01:03,760 --> 01:01:04,921
Take their shirts off...
1258
01:01:06,560 --> 01:01:08,324
- Oh, it's okay.
- No, it's a fun thing.
1259
01:01:08,400 --> 01:01:09,811
It's fun. It's all right.
1260
01:01:09,880 --> 01:01:12,770
Look. Don't worry, Brick,
we got your back, okay?
1261
01:01:13,040 --> 01:01:16,681
First things first,
we need to get you a little protection.
1262
01:01:18,920 --> 01:01:20,126
Oh!
1263
01:01:20,680 --> 01:01:21,841
There it is.
1264
01:01:22,040 --> 01:01:25,010
Brian Fantana's
glorious cabinet of condoms.
1265
01:01:25,080 --> 01:01:28,801
Oh, Brian, I know.
How about The Hooded Guest?
1266
01:01:28,880 --> 01:01:30,769
I like the cut of your jib.
1267
01:01:31,720 --> 01:01:33,484
That one is ultra-ribbed.
1268
01:01:33,560 --> 01:01:36,643
It's like you're wearing
an armadillo shell on your privates.
1269
01:01:36,720 --> 01:01:38,210
It takes two hours to get on.
1270
01:01:38,280 --> 01:01:40,886
It's hooded. She'll never see you coming.
1271
01:01:40,960 --> 01:01:42,041
Oh, oh. Wait, wait, wait.
1272
01:01:42,280 --> 01:01:43,520
You thinking what I'm thinking?
1273
01:01:43,720 --> 01:01:45,200
"Lou Dobin's Good Time Weiner Pouch."
1274
01:01:45,440 --> 01:01:46,441
That's a good one.
1275
01:01:46,680 --> 01:01:50,048
Dobin. Just a drifter
who loves to watch people have sex.
1276
01:01:50,360 --> 01:01:51,691
They're made of denim,
1277
01:01:51,760 --> 01:01:53,364
so they look better after each washing.
1278
01:01:53,640 --> 01:01:55,085
Talk about a great ride.
1279
01:01:55,240 --> 01:01:56,480
I think I have it.
1280
01:01:57,240 --> 01:01:58,287
Po' Boy Condom.
1281
01:01:58,400 --> 01:01:59,845
It's a terrific condom.
1282
01:01:59,920 --> 01:02:03,003
Although it does burn a bit because
it's covered in Cajun spices.
1283
01:02:03,080 --> 01:02:05,651
It'll put a blister on your po' boy.
1284
01:02:05,720 --> 01:02:08,007
Brian, what's the nickname for your
penis whenever you wear a Po' Boy?
1285
01:02:08,080 --> 01:02:09,411
Fat Tuesday.
1286
01:02:09,480 --> 01:02:12,165
Wait a minute. I've got it.
1287
01:02:13,480 --> 01:02:14,891
- "The Rigid Ghost."
- Mmm.
1288
01:02:15,000 --> 01:02:17,446
Ah, it's the best damn rubber
on the market.
1289
01:02:17,520 --> 01:02:21,320
Hah, I got four of my seven
illegitimate children using this condom.
1290
01:02:21,440 --> 01:02:24,364
Uh, but, Brian, isn't that
the whole point of wearing a condom?
1291
01:02:24,440 --> 01:02:26,283
To not impregnate the woman?
1292
01:02:26,480 --> 01:02:29,324
Well, you know the old expression.
"Nope".
1293
01:02:34,200 --> 01:02:36,601
Thank you, Ron,
and happy St. Patrick's Day
1294
01:02:36,680 --> 01:02:39,126
to all of our Native American friends.
1295
01:02:39,200 --> 01:02:40,531
On the big map...
1296
01:02:42,520 --> 01:02:43,567
Where's my map?
1297
01:02:44,160 --> 01:02:46,049
There's no map, it's just green.
1298
01:02:46,280 --> 01:02:48,408
No, there's a map there.
Look at the monitor.
1299
01:02:48,520 --> 01:02:50,841
Right. Oh.
1300
01:02:50,920 --> 01:02:52,410
Ron, where's my legs?
1301
01:02:52,480 --> 01:02:54,244
- Where are my legs?
- Your legs are there.
1302
01:02:54,320 --> 01:02:55,845
I don't have any legs, Ron.
1303
01:02:56,080 --> 01:02:58,367
I don't even know how I'm standing up.
1304
01:03:00,360 --> 01:03:01,964
Brick, your legs are fine.
1305
01:03:02,040 --> 01:03:04,361
The color of your pants just matches...
1306
01:03:04,680 --> 01:03:06,364
Ron, I don't have any legs!
1307
01:03:06,480 --> 01:03:07,527
The Chroma-Key behind you.
1308
01:03:07,640 --> 01:03:09,529
Ninety-three?
1309
01:03:09,600 --> 01:03:12,126
Ninety-three?
1310
01:03:12,200 --> 01:03:13,361
Relax.
1311
01:03:17,520 --> 01:03:20,444
And after I received my
Masters in Journalism from Columbia,
1312
01:03:20,520 --> 01:03:24,127
I got a job with the London bureau
for ABC News.
1313
01:03:24,200 --> 01:03:25,361
Wow, London.
1314
01:03:25,600 --> 01:03:30,242
You're so impressive, and I've
only been out of the United States twice.
1315
01:03:30,640 --> 01:03:32,165
A handful of times in Mexico,
1316
01:03:32,240 --> 01:03:36,529
and then the second time I left the
country, we went to Salem, Oregon.
1317
01:03:37,000 --> 01:03:38,445
Mr. Burgundy, are you nervous?
1318
01:03:38,640 --> 01:03:39,641
God, yes.
1319
01:03:39,880 --> 01:03:42,008
Did I scare you by coming on so strong?
1320
01:03:42,320 --> 01:03:43,526
A little bit, sure.
1321
01:03:44,000 --> 01:03:46,162
- Look, it's not that you're not attractive...
- Mmm-hmm?
1322
01:03:46,240 --> 01:03:48,242
It's just I'm a little old-fashioned.
1323
01:03:48,520 --> 01:03:51,285
- Well, I am a modern woman.
- Mmm.
1324
01:03:51,680 --> 01:03:55,765
And let me tell you, when I
see something that I want, I go for it.
1325
01:03:56,120 --> 01:03:57,724
Can I ask you a question?
1326
01:03:57,800 --> 01:03:58,801
Mmm-hmm.
1327
01:03:58,920 --> 01:04:01,366
Is that your foot between my legs?
1328
01:04:01,560 --> 01:04:02,607
No.
1329
01:04:02,760 --> 01:04:04,683
Oh. I'm sorry.
1330
01:04:05,560 --> 01:04:07,005
It was my hand.
1331
01:04:07,120 --> 01:04:08,121
So...
1332
01:04:08,360 --> 01:04:09,721
We're going to do this, aren't we?
1333
01:04:09,920 --> 01:04:13,402
We most definitely are gonna do this.
1334
01:04:13,680 --> 01:04:16,968
I feel a little awkward, because I'm...
1335
01:04:17,080 --> 01:04:19,162
I'm about to
have sex with a black lady!
1336
01:04:19,240 --> 01:04:21,129
I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
1337
01:04:21,480 --> 01:04:22,527
- Mmm.
- That's not the way
1338
01:04:22,600 --> 01:04:24,284
I like to handle my business.
1339
01:04:24,680 --> 01:04:28,685
When I get nervous, I sometimes
lose control of the volume of my voice.
1340
01:04:29,080 --> 01:04:32,562
Well, I don't mind,
because I am going to have you tonight.
1341
01:04:33,040 --> 01:04:36,203
Then let's leave
and go have interracial sex!
1342
01:04:38,040 --> 01:04:39,280
Sorry.
1343
01:05:20,160 --> 01:05:22,606
This is the nicest soda machine
anyone's ever taken me to.
1344
01:05:23,160 --> 01:05:26,243
The beauty of this soda machine
pales in comparison to your beauty.
1345
01:05:32,840 --> 01:05:34,604
Can I ask you a personal question?
1346
01:05:34,840 --> 01:05:36,604
I'm not sure what that is, but yes.
1347
01:05:36,800 --> 01:05:38,529
Have you ever kissed anyone?
1348
01:05:39,280 --> 01:05:42,489
Do faces on the TV screen and
Planet of the Apes action figures count?
1349
01:05:43,200 --> 01:05:44,361
Of course.
1350
01:05:44,520 --> 01:05:46,045
Then, yes.
1351
01:05:46,120 --> 01:05:48,851
I have kissed
Angie Dickinson and Dr. Zaius.
1352
01:05:50,160 --> 01:05:52,162
I've only kissed people in my dreams.
1353
01:05:52,400 --> 01:05:57,486
So, I've only kissed a tiny dragon
and a woman with her hair on fire.
1354
01:05:57,840 --> 01:06:02,448
I don't have a lot of experience
with kissing, but I do know one thing...
1355
01:06:02,720 --> 01:06:04,404
Always get your teeth involved.
1356
01:06:05,120 --> 01:06:08,249
I think I'm ready
to maybe try that kiss thing now.
1357
01:06:45,320 --> 01:06:46,890
Hello, Ms. Jackson.
1358
01:06:47,600 --> 01:06:48,931
I didn't mean to scare you.
1359
01:06:49,160 --> 01:06:51,731
Mr. Allenby, I wasn't expecting you to...
1360
01:06:52,120 --> 01:06:54,282
Yeah, no, I know. Neither was I.
1361
01:06:55,280 --> 01:06:56,881
But then I heard about this little story
1362
01:06:56,920 --> 01:06:59,844
that Ron Burgundy and Brian Fantana
are running.
1363
01:07:00,160 --> 01:07:02,208
You see,
some of the planes from my airline
1364
01:07:02,280 --> 01:07:04,248
have had parts falling off them lately.
1365
01:07:04,600 --> 01:07:06,443
Is it a problem? Yeah.
1366
01:07:06,520 --> 01:07:09,490
Is it being fixed? I don't know, probably.
1367
01:07:09,760 --> 01:07:13,242
But if that story runs,
then Koala stock will plummet.
1368
01:07:13,800 --> 01:07:16,610
We can't just pull the story.
That would be unethical.
1369
01:07:16,920 --> 01:07:20,049
We own the news.
We can do whatever we want.
1370
01:07:20,480 --> 01:07:22,244
That's one of the perks.
1371
01:07:22,600 --> 01:07:26,241
It's called "synergy."
One company working with another.
1372
01:07:29,800 --> 01:07:31,245
To synergy.
1373
01:07:39,520 --> 01:07:41,966
You seem a little quiet, I must say.
1374
01:07:42,400 --> 01:07:46,121
Just so you know, I'm absolutely fine
with going to this family dinner.
1375
01:07:46,800 --> 01:07:48,484
They're going to love you.
1376
01:07:49,480 --> 01:07:51,642
Mmm. This is delicious!
1377
01:07:53,600 --> 01:07:54,601
So...
1378
01:07:55,280 --> 01:07:56,884
How long
have you and Linda been dating?
1379
01:07:57,160 --> 01:07:58,241
Mother.
1380
01:07:58,320 --> 01:07:59,401
Oh.
1381
01:07:59,480 --> 01:08:01,687
No, it's all right. It's a logical question.
1382
01:08:01,760 --> 01:08:02,761
Um...
1383
01:08:03,280 --> 01:08:07,604
Ours is a new love,
but it burns very brightly.
1384
01:08:08,560 --> 01:08:12,485
And it gets hot and sweaty and stanky.
1385
01:08:12,560 --> 01:08:15,006
There's some stank on that love.
1386
01:08:15,360 --> 01:08:16,721
What... What are you
talking about?
1387
01:08:16,920 --> 01:08:19,571
Let's put it this way,
I be busting nuts like a squirrel.
1388
01:08:19,640 --> 01:08:22,325
Oh, now, we don't have conversations
like that over dinner.
1389
01:08:22,400 --> 01:08:23,401
What are you doing?
1390
01:08:23,480 --> 01:08:26,370
I'm addressing
the white elephant in the room.
1391
01:08:26,440 --> 01:08:29,523
I'm breaking down the barriers
of race by assimilation.
1392
01:08:29,600 --> 01:08:32,040
- That's all I'm doing.
- Well, you're coming off like a jerk.
1393
01:08:32,120 --> 01:08:33,690
I think it's going well.
1394
01:08:33,760 --> 01:08:35,410
If you haven't noticed,
1395
01:08:35,480 --> 01:08:36,891
we don't converse like that.
1396
01:08:36,960 --> 01:08:38,849
Okay, okay.
1397
01:08:39,160 --> 01:08:40,889
Look at big papa down here.
1398
01:08:41,040 --> 01:08:43,281
He's saying to himself,
"Shit! Look at this honky."
1399
01:08:43,360 --> 01:08:47,604
"Sittin' at my table, eatin' my food.
In my house? Touching my daughter?"
1400
01:08:47,680 --> 01:08:48,647
I have.
1401
01:08:48,720 --> 01:08:50,324
- I have touched your daughter.
- Honey!
1402
01:08:50,400 --> 01:08:52,129
We have done things, Papa.
1403
01:08:52,200 --> 01:08:54,965
You ain't gonna like.
You ain't gonna like it none!
1404
01:08:55,040 --> 01:08:56,610
Oh, my goodness!
1405
01:08:56,680 --> 01:09:00,969
I mean, I'm just a guy
from Terre Haute, Indiana
1406
01:09:01,040 --> 01:09:06,410
with a big ol' dick and a fat wallet
and a spleef the size of a baby arm.
1407
01:09:06,480 --> 01:09:08,482
Just looking for someone
who wants to smoke it.
1408
01:09:08,560 --> 01:09:10,324
Let's get some smoke
going in this place, right?
1409
01:09:10,400 --> 01:09:12,721
This ain't no Super Fly.
What is your problem, man?
1410
01:09:14,840 --> 01:09:18,481
Linda, I don't understand
what you are doing with him.
1411
01:09:18,560 --> 01:09:20,483
Oh, you know what
I'm comin' at you with,
1412
01:09:20,560 --> 01:09:23,769
you big black mother of Linda.
Mix it up in a pot!
1413
01:09:23,880 --> 01:09:26,326
- Makin' it spicy!
- Oh, my Lord.
1414
01:09:26,400 --> 01:09:29,006
- Hey.
- In the back, cooking up chitlins.
1415
01:09:29,080 --> 01:09:31,526
Big ol' titties. Big ol' titties.
1416
01:09:31,600 --> 01:09:33,170
Excuse me?
1417
01:09:33,240 --> 01:09:34,844
- That's my mama, man.
- Hey.
1418
01:09:34,920 --> 01:09:36,888
Wave your hands in the air.
1419
01:09:36,960 --> 01:09:39,167
Wave your hands in the air
like you just don't care.
1420
01:09:39,240 --> 01:09:40,730
Please, don't do this.
1421
01:09:41,880 --> 01:09:43,245
Now, which one of you
pipe-hittin' bitches
1422
01:09:43,320 --> 01:09:45,280
can pass me the mashed potatoes?
1423
01:09:45,560 --> 01:09:47,562
I don't think
that dinner could've gone any better.
1424
01:09:47,640 --> 01:09:48,840
Are you nuts?
1425
01:09:49,120 --> 01:09:51,646
No, I'm not! I had a wonderful evening!
1426
01:09:52,320 --> 01:09:54,129
My dad was kicking you in the head!
1427
01:09:54,360 --> 01:09:57,204
I thought it was like
being jumped into a gang.
1428
01:09:57,280 --> 01:09:58,645
Only with dinner guests!
1429
01:09:58,800 --> 01:10:01,167
You called my family
"pipe-hittin' bitches"!
1430
01:10:01,360 --> 01:10:05,684
I hate to pin it on you,
but you did invite me to dinner.
1431
01:10:06,360 --> 01:10:07,486
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
1432
01:10:07,720 --> 01:10:09,324
- No, I'm sorry.
- I just...
1433
01:10:09,680 --> 01:10:13,241
I'm just under a lot of stress
because Allenby,
1434
01:10:13,320 --> 01:10:16,483
he doesn't want you to do
the story that you're doing for sweeps.
1435
01:10:17,120 --> 01:10:18,087
"Death From Above."
1436
01:10:18,160 --> 01:10:19,800
It's an excellent story.
Wonderful expose.
1437
01:10:19,840 --> 01:10:21,490
Listen, Ron.
1438
01:10:22,520 --> 01:10:24,522
Have you ever heard of synergy?
1439
01:10:30,520 --> 01:10:32,921
So your mom thought
we should get together,
1440
01:10:33,040 --> 01:10:34,724
spend a little time.
1441
01:10:35,640 --> 01:10:39,281
She doesn't think
I connect with you as a child.
1442
01:10:40,640 --> 01:10:42,881
Can you believe that bullshit?
1443
01:10:44,480 --> 01:10:46,482
Oh! This is hard.
1444
01:10:46,560 --> 01:10:49,769
Things you say to a 6-year-old...
1445
01:10:50,760 --> 01:10:53,730
Oh! Guess what?
I slept with a black woman.
1446
01:10:53,800 --> 01:10:55,723
- What?
- Nothing.
1447
01:10:55,800 --> 01:10:58,167
Dad, do you like Spider-Man?
1448
01:10:58,240 --> 01:11:01,881
Nope. Don't care for him. Never have.
1449
01:11:01,960 --> 01:11:05,851
Don't like the mask, the costume,
the get-up, the webs. Uh-uh.
1450
01:11:05,920 --> 01:11:09,049
He comes off like a real dickhead.
Real poser.
1451
01:11:09,160 --> 01:11:10,605
What's a poser?
1452
01:11:10,680 --> 01:11:15,561
A poser is Gary. That's what a poser is.
1453
01:11:15,640 --> 01:11:17,529
By the way, how is that shitheel?
1454
01:11:17,600 --> 01:11:18,681
What's a shitheel?
1455
01:11:19,160 --> 01:11:21,640
A shitheel is a real fun term
1456
01:11:21,720 --> 01:11:23,961
that you should call Gary
every time you see him.
1457
01:11:24,040 --> 01:11:27,965
When he wakes you up for breakfast,
say, "Good morning, shitheel."
1458
01:11:28,040 --> 01:11:30,407
He'll probably give you
$5 or some candy.
1459
01:11:30,480 --> 01:11:32,528
- Does that sound good?
- Yeah.
1460
01:11:32,640 --> 01:11:34,802
You're a shitheel, Dad.
1461
01:11:34,880 --> 01:11:35,881
Good.
1462
01:11:35,960 --> 01:11:39,521
You should just call Gary that.
'Cause it makes him really happy.
1463
01:11:39,600 --> 01:11:42,570
It makes me sort of happy,
but it makes him really happy.
1464
01:11:43,160 --> 01:11:44,889
- Dad.
- Huh?
1465
01:11:45,200 --> 01:11:46,964
Sometimes I hear sounds at night
1466
01:11:47,040 --> 01:11:48,530
and I get scared.
1467
01:11:48,600 --> 01:11:51,410
I think there's a ghost in my closet.
1468
01:11:51,480 --> 01:11:53,164
Now, you listen to me, son.
1469
01:11:53,240 --> 01:11:57,245
There is no such thing as ghosts.
Case closed.
1470
01:11:57,600 --> 01:11:59,250
So what's real that's scary?
1471
01:11:59,320 --> 01:12:02,403
You really want to know
the one thing you should be afraid of?
1472
01:12:02,640 --> 01:12:04,290
Yes, I really do.
1473
01:12:04,760 --> 01:12:05,841
Voodoo.
1474
01:12:05,920 --> 01:12:08,048
- Voodoo?
- Yes, voodoo.
1475
01:12:08,120 --> 01:12:10,043
That shit will mess you up.
1476
01:12:10,280 --> 01:12:12,965
And it is 100% real.
1477
01:12:13,240 --> 01:12:16,289
Promise me that you'll never go to Haiti.
1478
01:12:16,680 --> 01:12:18,125
I promise, Dad.
1479
01:12:18,280 --> 01:12:20,487
This was good.
I enjoyed spending time with you.
1480
01:12:20,640 --> 01:12:21,641
Me, too, Dad.
1481
01:12:21,840 --> 01:12:24,127
And hey.
Do you want to go to Haiti sometime?
1482
01:12:24,280 --> 01:12:26,169
- No.
- Good. Good.
1483
01:12:26,400 --> 01:12:28,289
What did you tell him
1484
01:12:28,400 --> 01:12:29,925
I didn't tell him anything.
1485
01:12:30,120 --> 01:12:32,282
He hasn't slept for four days, Ron!
1486
01:12:32,520 --> 01:12:35,444
Everywhere we go,
he asks me if we're going to Haiti!
1487
01:12:35,520 --> 01:12:36,646
What does that even mean?
1488
01:12:36,800 --> 01:12:41,681
I am so sick and tired that you've
sheltered him from the evils of voodoo.
1489
01:12:41,800 --> 01:12:44,644
You need to learn to
connect with him in a healthy way!
1490
01:12:44,720 --> 01:12:46,882
Let me ask you something,
and I'm not trying to be funny here.
1491
01:12:46,960 --> 01:12:49,486
Are you sure he's not a midget
with a learning disability?
1492
01:12:49,760 --> 01:12:52,809
He is seven years old, Ron.
1493
01:12:53,000 --> 01:12:54,490
- All right.
- Now listen to me.
1494
01:12:54,680 --> 01:12:59,641
He has a science fair tomorrow, at 8:00,
and he wants you to be there.
1495
01:12:59,760 --> 01:13:02,331
I will be there. All right?
1496
01:13:02,520 --> 01:13:03,960
Now, who do you have
for sweeps week?
1497
01:13:04,040 --> 01:13:06,247
I'm not discussing work with you,
Ron, okay?
1498
01:13:06,360 --> 01:13:08,966
Just be there
at the science fair tomorrow.
1499
01:13:09,040 --> 01:13:10,041
Fine!
1500
01:13:11,120 --> 01:13:13,088
Well, they're calling it
the interview of the decade.
1501
01:13:13,200 --> 01:13:15,646
Veronica Corningstone will
sit down with Yasser Arafat.
1502
01:13:16,040 --> 01:13:17,041
Yasser who?
1503
01:13:17,160 --> 01:13:19,686
The head of the PLO and some say
the key to peace in the Middle East.
1504
01:13:19,800 --> 01:13:23,361
Of course, Ms. Corningstone
is the ex-wife of Ron Burgundy,
1505
01:13:23,880 --> 01:13:26,167
so you know that's got to be
a little stinger for Ronny.
1506
01:13:26,480 --> 01:13:28,209
Tony Danza's scrotum!
1507
01:13:28,400 --> 01:13:30,721
Well, that'll do it
for all of us here at GNN.
1508
01:13:30,840 --> 01:13:34,083
Thank God for the events,
thank me for the news.
1509
01:13:34,160 --> 01:13:35,685
I'm Dick Phuk.
1510
01:13:39,120 --> 01:13:42,647
We're going to get crushed in ratings.
Just crushed.
1511
01:13:43,000 --> 01:13:45,241
I really thought we had
a chance this time.
1512
01:13:45,720 --> 01:13:47,882
What about my
"Death From Above" story?
1513
01:13:49,120 --> 01:13:51,805
You better ask Ron about that.
1514
01:13:52,760 --> 01:13:54,205
We're pulling that story, Brian.
1515
01:13:54,320 --> 01:13:57,164
What? Why?
I worked hard on that story.
1516
01:13:57,240 --> 01:14:00,642
It was my call, all right, Brian?
Just let it go. It's synergy.
1517
01:14:00,720 --> 01:14:01,801
What does that mean?
1518
01:14:01,880 --> 01:14:03,484
Take it easy, Ron.
1519
01:14:03,560 --> 01:14:05,164
We got further
than anybody thought we would.
1520
01:14:05,240 --> 01:14:06,241
We'll get 'em next time.
1521
01:14:06,320 --> 01:14:09,403
You take it easy!
I'm not in this to finish second!
1522
01:14:09,520 --> 01:14:11,124
I think Champ is just saying...
1523
01:14:11,200 --> 01:14:14,488
I know what he was trying to say,
Brian, okay?
1524
01:14:14,560 --> 01:14:17,325
And it doesn't surprise me
that you guys don't care.
1525
01:14:17,400 --> 01:14:20,051
Let's face it,
I'm the one who gets the ratings.
1526
01:14:20,840 --> 01:14:23,161
I'm starting to wonder
what you clowns actually do.
1527
01:14:23,920 --> 01:14:26,890
Chani likes clowns.
Except for the scary ones.
1528
01:14:27,000 --> 01:14:28,081
Shut up, Brick!
1529
01:14:28,600 --> 01:14:30,602
Just shut up for once!
1530
01:14:31,360 --> 01:14:34,523
Ron yelled at me.
1531
01:14:34,600 --> 01:14:35,961
You're damn right I yelled at you!
1532
01:14:39,720 --> 01:14:41,643
You don't yell at Brick.
1533
01:14:42,080 --> 01:14:43,570
Are you still smoking crack?
1534
01:14:43,960 --> 01:14:45,325
No.
1535
01:14:46,080 --> 01:14:47,923
I only smoked crack that one time.
1536
01:14:49,040 --> 01:14:52,283
That's a lie. I've done it six more times.
1537
01:14:52,400 --> 01:14:53,811
You made Brick cry.
1538
01:14:55,440 --> 01:14:57,681
You've gone ratings crazy, Ron.
1539
01:14:59,560 --> 01:15:02,484
But seriously,
do you have any more of that crack left?
1540
01:15:02,600 --> 01:15:03,761
You know what, Ron?
1541
01:15:04,360 --> 01:15:06,647
We're a news team,
and that's a bond for life.
1542
01:15:06,760 --> 01:15:08,569
But I don't like the man you've become.
1543
01:15:08,640 --> 01:15:10,449
You know, we were happy
when you found us.
1544
01:15:10,520 --> 01:15:11,681
Right?
1545
01:15:11,760 --> 01:15:13,410
I was taking pictures of pussies,
1546
01:15:13,480 --> 01:15:16,370
Champ was serving bats to people,
and Brick was dead.
1547
01:15:16,440 --> 01:15:19,330
We took a gamble.
Took a gamble to follow you here.
1548
01:15:19,400 --> 01:15:21,368
But I'm starting to realize,
this was all about you,
1549
01:15:21,440 --> 01:15:23,249
and beating Veronica at all costs.
1550
01:15:23,320 --> 01:15:25,243
Had nothing to do with the news,
nothing to do with the team.
1551
01:15:25,320 --> 01:15:26,321
Brian, don't.
1552
01:15:26,400 --> 01:15:27,890
You know,
I might not be the smartest guy,
1553
01:15:28,000 --> 01:15:30,401
but I know a thing or two
about a thing or two.
1554
01:15:30,480 --> 01:15:32,687
I know that if you're pleasuring
a woman down south,
1555
01:15:32,760 --> 01:15:34,649
you use your tongue
to spell out the alphabet.
1556
01:15:34,720 --> 01:15:37,929
Around the bubble. Around her bubble.
1557
01:15:38,000 --> 01:15:40,810
- The vulva!
- The Volvo.
1558
01:15:40,880 --> 01:15:44,327
I know that "synergy"
is a completely made-up word.
1559
01:15:44,400 --> 01:15:47,529
I know that washing
your hands is for nerds.
1560
01:15:47,600 --> 01:15:49,568
Especially if you don't mind pinkeye.
1561
01:15:49,640 --> 01:15:55,090
And I know that, no matter what,
you always stand by your friends.
1562
01:15:55,400 --> 01:15:57,801
You'll have to excuse me, Brian.
1563
01:15:58,440 --> 01:16:00,124
I've got a sore back
1564
01:16:00,520 --> 01:16:04,161
from carrying your ass around
for the last 15 years.
1565
01:16:05,080 --> 01:16:06,445
You know what, Burgundy?
1566
01:16:06,840 --> 01:16:09,844
I think your mouth
is writing checks that your body isn't...
1567
01:16:09,960 --> 01:16:12,122
Can't even... Do anything with.
1568
01:16:18,480 --> 01:16:21,290
Fine, go! I don't need you!
1569
01:16:21,920 --> 01:16:24,127
I'll do the news by myself!
1570
01:16:28,920 --> 01:16:31,810
Tonight I interview Yasser Arafat...
1571
01:16:31,880 --> 01:16:34,041
- This is terrible.
- ...the secretive head of the PLO.
1572
01:16:34,600 --> 01:16:36,682
- We're on in 20, Ron, 20.
- All right.
1573
01:16:37,440 --> 01:16:38,441
You ready?
1574
01:16:39,000 --> 01:16:40,570
What's that?
1575
01:16:40,880 --> 01:16:42,006
Oh, that's nothing.
1576
01:16:42,080 --> 01:16:45,562
It's just a car chase
on the satellite feed from Milwaukee.
1577
01:16:46,640 --> 01:16:48,130
You know what?
1578
01:16:48,480 --> 01:16:50,926
Give it to me live to start the broadcast.
1579
01:16:51,040 --> 01:16:53,520
No. That's not news, Ron.
1580
01:16:53,720 --> 01:16:55,609
Give it to me live, okay?
1581
01:16:55,680 --> 01:16:57,250
And don't question me again.
1582
01:16:57,320 --> 01:16:58,287
Bill!
1583
01:16:58,360 --> 01:16:59,441
Now to you,
1584
01:16:59,520 --> 01:17:00,760
- the modern viewer...
- Here we go.
1585
01:17:00,840 --> 01:17:03,366
...reporting on a car chase
may seem commonplace...
1586
01:17:03,440 --> 01:17:06,842
- Three, two...
- ...but in 1980, it was unheard of.
1587
01:17:06,920 --> 01:17:10,970
Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy,
reporting live from New York.
1588
01:17:11,040 --> 01:17:14,601
We have breaking news
developing in our nation's heartland.
1589
01:17:14,680 --> 01:17:18,321
A high-speed car chase is in progress...
1590
01:17:18,400 --> 01:17:20,971
Keep the "Breaking News" logo.
Keep up the graphics.
1591
01:17:21,040 --> 01:17:22,041
Reaching speeds of 100 miles per hour.
1592
01:17:22,120 --> 01:17:25,966
And for the first time in news history,
we will stay with it live
1593
01:17:26,040 --> 01:17:29,647
until it resolves in either
a huge accident or a massive shootout.
1594
01:17:29,720 --> 01:17:30,721
Richard!
1595
01:17:30,800 --> 01:17:33,804
Hurry. Get in here!
There's a car chase on the news!
1596
01:17:34,960 --> 01:17:37,008
When is Dad gonna be here?
1597
01:17:37,080 --> 01:17:38,320
He'll be here.
1598
01:17:38,760 --> 01:17:39,921
Are you a little upset?
1599
01:17:40,000 --> 01:17:45,211
Do you want to do that thing where
we sort of talk about our feelings?
1600
01:17:45,360 --> 01:17:47,362
- Oh, God, no.
- Okay.
1601
01:17:47,520 --> 01:17:51,411
This is the pulse of what's
going on in our country right now.
1602
01:17:51,720 --> 01:17:52,960
Freddie, what's going on?
1603
01:17:53,040 --> 01:17:55,088
Why is there
a local car chase on the TV?
1604
01:17:55,160 --> 01:17:56,730
It's Burgundy. He insisted!
1605
01:17:56,840 --> 01:17:58,681
Can't you see what
the son of a bitch is doing?
1606
01:17:58,720 --> 01:18:00,370
We didn't have a story, so he made one.
1607
01:18:00,440 --> 01:18:01,885
You can't do that!
1608
01:18:02,160 --> 01:18:04,049
Tell Ron to speculate
who's driving the car.
1609
01:18:04,120 --> 01:18:07,044
Ron, speculate on who's driving the car.
1610
01:18:07,400 --> 01:18:11,200
Uh, we believe the driver
may be on drugs.
1611
01:18:11,280 --> 01:18:13,806
He's probably 6'7 ", 6'8".
1612
01:18:13,880 --> 01:18:16,406
But a skinny 6'7 ", 6'8". About 160.
1613
01:18:16,560 --> 01:18:18,801
He may have a hostage or two.
1614
01:18:18,920 --> 01:18:20,968
Uh, we don't know. He could have...
1615
01:18:21,080 --> 01:18:23,924
The phone lines are lighting up.
It's about the chase!
1616
01:18:24,000 --> 01:18:25,411
I've never seen anything like it!
1617
01:18:25,720 --> 01:18:28,883
Mr. Arafat, is there any scenario
1618
01:18:28,960 --> 01:18:31,361
by which peace
could be reached with Israel?
1619
01:18:31,440 --> 01:18:33,840
Peace is what burns
in my heart. I am committed to...
1620
01:18:33,880 --> 01:18:34,881
What was... Excuse me.
1621
01:18:35,560 --> 01:18:37,085
What happened to the...
1622
01:18:37,360 --> 01:18:39,080
The network cut to
another developing story.
1623
01:18:39,120 --> 01:18:41,043
Some kind of crazy car chase.
1624
01:18:41,120 --> 01:18:43,122
Who covers a car chase?
1625
01:18:43,360 --> 01:18:47,604
I am sitting here with the most important
interview of my entire career,
1626
01:18:48,000 --> 01:18:49,525
and they're cutting to a car chase?
1627
01:18:49,760 --> 01:18:51,285
I would like to watch the car chase.
1628
01:18:51,360 --> 01:18:52,600
You need to shut your mouth.
1629
01:18:52,680 --> 01:18:53,966
This is extremely gripping.
1630
01:18:54,080 --> 01:18:56,731
Oh! Oh! He just hit a car!
He just hit a car!
1631
01:18:56,800 --> 01:18:58,040
He hit a car! Did you see that?
1632
01:18:58,120 --> 01:18:59,160
- He hit a car!
- Wow!
1633
01:19:00,280 --> 01:19:01,725
- He hit the car!
- He hit the car!
1634
01:19:01,840 --> 01:19:04,571
When did the news get awesome?
1635
01:19:04,760 --> 01:19:06,728
And he just loses it! Wow!
1636
01:19:06,800 --> 01:19:09,770
That's exactly what we needed.
It was getting a little boring...
1637
01:19:13,240 --> 01:19:15,607
Hey. You did a great job.
1638
01:19:15,720 --> 01:19:17,609
Thanks, Gary.
1639
01:19:17,760 --> 01:19:19,205
I don't think your dad's coming.
1640
01:19:19,280 --> 01:19:21,203
I'm sorry, honey,
but I think we need to go.
1641
01:19:22,800 --> 01:19:24,928
Stop reading my mind!
1642
01:19:25,600 --> 01:19:26,806
All right.
1643
01:19:30,960 --> 01:19:32,962
I mean, this is what I worry about.
1644
01:19:34,680 --> 01:19:36,842
Did you do that with your mind?
1645
01:19:36,920 --> 01:19:38,001
No.
1646
01:19:38,080 --> 01:19:39,241
Liar.
1647
01:19:39,400 --> 01:19:43,450
We're just getting word that police
have finally apprehended the suspect.
1648
01:19:43,960 --> 01:19:48,602
It turns out that he is
an elderly gentleman, he's 80 years old,
1649
01:19:48,760 --> 01:19:50,683
- and he was simply confused.
- Unbelievable.
1650
01:19:50,840 --> 01:19:52,126
I'm Ron Burgundy.
1651
01:19:52,480 --> 01:19:56,724
Don't just have a great night,
have an American night.
1652
01:19:58,520 --> 01:20:00,284
And we are clear!
1653
01:20:00,600 --> 01:20:01,601
Yes!
1654
01:20:02,120 --> 01:20:03,121
Great!
1655
01:20:03,240 --> 01:20:04,401
All right!
1656
01:20:04,680 --> 01:20:06,648
I don't believe it! You did it, Ron!
1657
01:20:06,760 --> 01:20:09,001
Oh, my goodness. Thanks, Freddie.
1658
01:20:10,120 --> 01:20:11,724
I don't deserve this.
1659
01:20:11,880 --> 01:20:13,928
It was a team effort. It really was.
1660
01:20:22,760 --> 01:20:24,410
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
1661
01:20:24,840 --> 01:20:29,323
we all know there's one reason
that GNN has gotten to the top.
1662
01:20:29,920 --> 01:20:33,447
And that reason is the greatest
bloody newsman in the world.
1663
01:20:33,520 --> 01:20:35,124
Long may he reign!
1664
01:20:35,360 --> 01:20:37,169
Mr. Ron Burgundy!
1665
01:20:37,240 --> 01:20:39,527
Yeah, Ron! Yeah!
1666
01:20:47,680 --> 01:20:49,364
Fire it up, Ronny!
1667
01:21:13,280 --> 01:21:14,486
Let's blaze.
1668
01:21:14,560 --> 01:21:17,245
Yeah. To hell with Ron Burgundy.
1669
01:21:18,560 --> 01:21:20,562
We did it, my onyx hellion.
1670
01:21:23,040 --> 01:21:24,041
You're magic!
1671
01:21:26,400 --> 01:21:28,721
Ron, you should see what you're doing!
1672
01:21:45,080 --> 01:21:46,923
In the myth of Icarus,
1673
01:21:47,200 --> 01:21:51,250
Icarus, full of the folly
that comes with pride, flew too high
1674
01:21:51,320 --> 01:21:52,765
and the sun melted his wings.
1675
01:21:54,400 --> 01:21:58,325
Burgundy's fame was bigger
than he ever imagined.
1676
01:21:58,920 --> 01:22:01,048
And the fall was dizzying.
1677
01:22:09,360 --> 01:22:10,885
Oh, my God, Ronny!
1678
01:22:11,240 --> 01:22:12,401
Ron!
1679
01:22:12,640 --> 01:22:13,641
Open the bloody gate.
1680
01:22:13,760 --> 01:22:14,727
Will somebody call an ambulance?
1681
01:22:14,800 --> 01:22:17,041
Do not die in front of us!
1682
01:22:17,760 --> 01:22:20,445
Do not die in front of us!
1683
01:22:22,400 --> 01:22:24,050
Stay classy, Ron Burgundy.
1684
01:22:24,120 --> 01:22:25,963
Somebody call an ambulance!
1685
01:22:37,600 --> 01:22:39,284
Damn it, Milton, what is it?
1686
01:22:39,360 --> 01:22:40,885
Well, Ron...
1687
01:22:40,960 --> 01:22:42,644
I, um...
1688
01:22:42,880 --> 01:22:45,360
It looks as if both optic nerves
1689
01:22:45,480 --> 01:22:48,165
are separated from
their respective corneas.
1690
01:22:48,720 --> 01:22:50,802
- What?
- No other way to put this, but...
1691
01:22:51,280 --> 01:22:52,327
You're blind.
1692
01:22:52,400 --> 01:22:54,721
Milton, I'm an anchorman.
1693
01:22:54,800 --> 01:22:58,486
I read the news off the teleprompter.
It's what I do!
1694
01:22:58,920 --> 01:23:00,285
How will I live?
1695
01:23:00,400 --> 01:23:03,165
I'm no career counselor,
but there are many things you can do.
1696
01:23:03,480 --> 01:23:05,528
Be an oracle, or a mystic.
1697
01:23:05,680 --> 01:23:07,284
Clearly, there must be something
1698
01:23:07,360 --> 01:23:10,569
in this new-fangled office
of yours that can help me!
1699
01:23:10,640 --> 01:23:12,449
- Settle down.
- There's got to be something in here!
1700
01:23:12,520 --> 01:23:14,249
Settle down!
1701
01:23:14,320 --> 01:23:16,209
Zombies! Zombies!
1702
01:23:16,320 --> 01:23:17,526
Ahh!
1703
01:23:18,560 --> 01:23:21,325
If you get my hands on me, I'll kill you.
1704
01:23:22,320 --> 01:23:23,970
The world of the blind.
1705
01:23:24,040 --> 01:23:28,090
Ron Burgundy, a man who had
flourished in a visual medium,
1706
01:23:28,160 --> 01:23:31,562
had forever entered
this realm of darkness.
1707
01:23:31,840 --> 01:23:34,844
Always lonely
1708
01:23:35,360 --> 01:23:37,647
Always looking
1709
01:23:39,120 --> 01:23:43,842
To get even with the men
who did him wrong
1710
01:23:46,360 --> 01:23:48,283
That was Billy
1711
01:23:50,200 --> 01:23:51,201
Who is it?
1712
01:23:54,080 --> 01:23:55,969
Ron, it's us!
1713
01:23:56,040 --> 01:23:59,328
I'm sure you gentlemen
are famished from your travels.
1714
01:23:59,400 --> 01:24:03,086
I hope you like Triscuits
and some pimento loaf.
1715
01:24:03,360 --> 01:24:05,442
Still hot off the griddle!
1716
01:24:05,800 --> 01:24:06,961
There we go.
1717
01:24:07,520 --> 01:24:09,761
Well, everyone at the station
really misses you, Ron.
1718
01:24:10,600 --> 01:24:13,171
Jack Lime's been filling in for you
since you've been gone.
1719
01:24:13,680 --> 01:24:15,762
You know, he's really not
such a bad guy after all.
1720
01:24:15,840 --> 01:24:17,046
Ha-ha.
1721
01:24:17,160 --> 01:24:18,969
He goes by Jack Lamé now.
1722
01:24:19,040 --> 01:24:20,929
Well, he shouldn't be doing that.
1723
01:24:21,000 --> 01:24:22,650
He should be going by Jack Lame.
1724
01:24:23,040 --> 01:24:24,121
Brick!
1725
01:24:24,200 --> 01:24:25,247
Brick.
1726
01:24:25,520 --> 01:24:27,602
That's checkers and caulk.
Don't eat that.
1727
01:24:28,760 --> 01:24:30,489
What about Linda? She hasn't called.
1728
01:24:30,560 --> 01:24:31,846
Linda's pretty busy.
1729
01:24:32,280 --> 01:24:34,567
Ron, I'm going to need your recipe.
1730
01:24:34,720 --> 01:24:36,370
So, Ron, what do you do
with yourself all day?
1731
01:24:36,440 --> 01:24:38,249
You're just out here pretty
much away from everything.
1732
01:24:38,320 --> 01:24:40,448
Well, every day begins about the same.
1733
01:24:40,920 --> 01:24:43,002
I wake up screaming in terror
1734
01:24:43,080 --> 01:24:45,003
because of the blackness
and I think I'm dead.
1735
01:24:45,080 --> 01:24:46,127
Every day?
1736
01:24:46,240 --> 01:24:47,924
Yes! Every day!
1737
01:24:48,040 --> 01:24:51,203
And then I begin what's called
The Great Adventure.
1738
01:24:51,360 --> 01:24:53,044
Making breakfast.
1739
01:24:53,240 --> 01:24:55,846
I've eaten everything
from nails to drink coasters.
1740
01:24:55,960 --> 01:24:58,566
One time I bit hard
into a marble ashtray,
1741
01:24:58,640 --> 01:25:00,529
thinking it was a savory waffle.
1742
01:25:00,800 --> 01:25:05,169
I wanted that waffle so bad!
Completely shattered my teeth.
1743
01:25:05,240 --> 01:25:07,607
Couldn't you tell
the ashtray wasn't hot like a waffle?
1744
01:25:07,680 --> 01:25:10,126
No! I couldn't! Because I'm blind!
1745
01:25:10,360 --> 01:25:14,206
I'm not blind
23 hours a day or 22 hours a day,
1746
01:25:14,280 --> 01:25:17,250
I'm blind the whole goddamn time!
1747
01:25:17,320 --> 01:25:20,529
Do you have any idea what it's like
to drink a half a bottle of ketchup
1748
01:25:20,600 --> 01:25:24,400
thinking it was a bottle of
1946 Châteauneuf-du-Pape?
1749
01:25:25,960 --> 01:25:27,200
I even decanted it!
1750
01:25:27,440 --> 01:25:30,649
If you drank half a bottle
of that, that's like...
1751
01:25:30,720 --> 01:25:32,484
That's like nine or ten gulps.
1752
01:25:32,560 --> 01:25:34,130
I mean, you couldn't tell
that was ketchup?
1753
01:25:34,200 --> 01:25:35,611
Did I stutter?
1754
01:25:35,680 --> 01:25:38,684
I'm ba-lind!
1755
01:25:38,760 --> 01:25:40,524
You're having a tough time, Ron, I know.
1756
01:25:40,800 --> 01:25:42,529
You know what the biggest indignity is?
1757
01:25:43,120 --> 01:25:44,724
I can't even masturbate!
1758
01:25:44,800 --> 01:25:45,801
Why?
1759
01:25:45,880 --> 01:25:47,882
Heck, one morning, I spent 20 minutes
1760
01:25:47,960 --> 01:25:52,727
aggressively rubbing my shin,
wondering, "Where's the sensation?"
1761
01:25:52,800 --> 01:25:53,847
"Where's the pleasure coming?"
1762
01:25:53,960 --> 01:25:56,327
You rubbed your shin
thinking it was a penis?
1763
01:25:56,400 --> 01:25:57,961
I know you think I'm stupid, don't you?
1764
01:25:58,600 --> 01:26:00,967
The weirdo who lives
in the weird lighthouse
1765
01:26:01,040 --> 01:26:02,280
in the middle of nowhere.
1766
01:26:02,360 --> 01:26:04,727
Ron, it was your choice to
live in a "weird lighthouse."
1767
01:26:04,800 --> 01:26:06,086
You know why I live here?
1768
01:26:06,360 --> 01:26:10,206
Let me say it real slow and real loud.
1769
01:26:11,000 --> 01:26:12,809
I'm
1770
01:26:12,880 --> 01:26:15,565
blind!
1771
01:26:16,560 --> 01:26:18,085
I guess we should get out of here.
1772
01:26:18,160 --> 01:26:19,605
Maybe you should go. Yes.
1773
01:26:20,000 --> 01:26:21,650
Why don't you guys get out of here!
1774
01:26:22,120 --> 01:26:24,646
Despite my complete and utter isolation,
1775
01:26:24,720 --> 01:26:27,849
your gentlemen's visit
has actually made it worse!
1776
01:26:35,520 --> 01:26:36,965
Goodbye, Ron.
1777
01:26:39,200 --> 01:26:40,201
What?
1778
01:26:41,160 --> 01:26:42,360
No, don't go!
1779
01:26:42,640 --> 01:26:46,804
Please! Wait! I'm all alone! Come back!
1780
01:26:51,760 --> 01:26:54,286
Wait! Come back!
1781
01:26:55,200 --> 01:26:56,929
Come back!
1782
01:27:00,160 --> 01:27:01,730
I'm alone!
1783
01:27:02,600 --> 01:27:06,400
Why have you
done this to me, God? Why?
1784
01:27:07,120 --> 01:27:10,841
Couldn't you have cured a sick
child or created a new animal?
1785
01:27:11,120 --> 01:27:14,886
But, no, you had to
make Ron Burgundy blind!
1786
01:27:16,200 --> 01:27:17,611
Well, I never
thought that I would see
1787
01:27:17,680 --> 01:27:21,207
the Ron Burgundy
full of so much self-pity.
1788
01:27:21,280 --> 01:27:24,090
Who is it? What is that noise?
1789
01:27:24,400 --> 01:27:25,401
Take my hand.
1790
01:27:26,120 --> 01:27:27,451
I can't see it!
1791
01:27:27,520 --> 01:27:28,760
Reach for it, Ron!
1792
01:27:29,240 --> 01:27:31,481
You have to learn to do for yourself now.
1793
01:27:32,360 --> 01:27:34,203
All right. This... Okay. Here we go.
1794
01:27:34,280 --> 01:27:35,611
Get up. There we go.
1795
01:27:38,280 --> 01:27:39,691
Cher, is that you?
1796
01:27:39,800 --> 01:27:41,564
You can't recognize me by my voice?
1797
01:27:42,120 --> 01:27:43,690
Jan-Michael Vincent?
1798
01:27:44,080 --> 01:27:45,081
Really?
1799
01:27:45,520 --> 01:27:48,000
Every news station
is copying what you did, Ron.
1800
01:27:48,080 --> 01:27:53,325
All the stories are about animals,
or car chases or strip clubs.
1801
01:27:53,600 --> 01:27:55,967
The genie has been let out of the bottle,
1802
01:27:56,480 --> 01:27:58,721
and old Ron Burgundy popped the cork.
1803
01:27:58,840 --> 01:28:01,411
- That's why I quit WBC News.
- What?
1804
01:28:01,520 --> 01:28:03,761
There's no real news
being reported out there.
1805
01:28:03,880 --> 01:28:05,211
It's just all about ratings.
1806
01:28:05,480 --> 01:28:06,845
Veronica.
1807
01:28:07,360 --> 01:28:08,646
Why are you here?
1808
01:28:08,800 --> 01:28:10,484
I'm here for our son, Ron.
1809
01:28:10,840 --> 01:28:12,251
Walter needs you.
1810
01:28:12,320 --> 01:28:16,211
I need you to start taking responsibility
for him and for yourself.
1811
01:28:16,280 --> 01:28:18,169
Do you realize you're talking to a man
1812
01:28:18,240 --> 01:28:22,086
who just this morning tried
to brush his teeth with a live lobster?
1813
01:28:22,280 --> 01:28:23,486
What?
1814
01:28:24,640 --> 01:28:26,529
You would've
known the second that you touched it...
1815
01:28:26,600 --> 01:28:29,570
I'm just saying it's not
going to be a cakewalk.
1816
01:28:29,960 --> 01:28:32,327
Well, then we best get to it.
1817
01:28:32,840 --> 01:28:34,001
Now, drink your tea.
1818
01:28:34,600 --> 01:28:36,443
Oh!
1819
01:28:38,400 --> 01:28:39,731
Let me get a sponge. I'll get it.
1820
01:28:39,800 --> 01:28:41,928
All right. No, no, just stay there.
1821
01:28:42,000 --> 01:28:44,048
I'll have it cleaned up in a jiffy.
1822
01:28:54,680 --> 01:28:55,886
Let's try this again.
1823
01:28:55,960 --> 01:28:57,485
- Did you throw it?
- Yes, I threw it.
1824
01:28:57,800 --> 01:28:59,404
Just remember the curves.
1825
01:28:59,720 --> 01:29:00,687
The curves.
1826
01:29:00,760 --> 01:29:02,808
- The green eyes.
- Green eyes.
1827
01:29:03,000 --> 01:29:04,923
You have to use your other senses now!
1828
01:29:05,240 --> 01:29:06,924
I can't do it!
1829
01:29:07,960 --> 01:29:11,282
Baxter found something on the beach!
1830
01:29:11,720 --> 01:29:13,051
Ron, be careful!
1831
01:29:13,200 --> 01:29:15,089
It's okay!
1832
01:29:15,400 --> 01:29:19,371
- Walter, what is it?
- It's some kind of fish!
1833
01:29:20,360 --> 01:29:21,805
Oh, my goodness!
1834
01:29:21,880 --> 01:29:23,769
If he stays tangled in this net,
1835
01:29:23,840 --> 01:29:25,410
he's not going to survive.
1836
01:29:25,520 --> 01:29:27,443
Walter, sweetheart, it's a shark.
1837
01:29:27,680 --> 01:29:28,727
Son,
1838
01:29:29,280 --> 01:29:31,965
don't you worry,
we won't let this fellow die.
1839
01:29:32,280 --> 01:29:34,123
We'll do it together, Dad.
1840
01:29:38,760 --> 01:29:41,081
That should keep him
in there until he's strong enough
1841
01:29:41,160 --> 01:29:42,810
to swim out to the deep ocean.
1842
01:29:43,120 --> 01:29:44,201
Can I name him?
1843
01:29:44,280 --> 01:29:46,009
Of course you can, son.
1844
01:29:46,200 --> 01:29:49,204
What about Crackers?
1845
01:29:49,320 --> 01:29:51,561
Give me a goddamned break.
1846
01:29:51,640 --> 01:29:55,201
Seriously, you've got one of the most
vicious predators in the ocean,
1847
01:29:55,280 --> 01:29:56,770
you're gonna name him "Crackers"?
1848
01:29:56,840 --> 01:30:02,085
In the future when you say I can name
something, don't be a dick about it.
1849
01:30:02,160 --> 01:30:04,891
Why don't we do this?
Let's name him Doby.
1850
01:30:05,000 --> 01:30:09,130
You talk all that smack and that's
the best name you come up with?
1851
01:30:09,200 --> 01:30:11,248
Well, we're not gonna get
any better than that.
1852
01:30:11,320 --> 01:30:15,689
I mean, you obviously can't name him
anything that sounds good.
1853
01:30:15,760 --> 01:30:20,448
How about we forget about this whole
name thing and you go straight to hell?
1854
01:30:20,560 --> 01:30:22,210
Well, I don't know what to do.
1855
01:30:22,280 --> 01:30:25,762
We might as well poison the water
and let him die.
1856
01:30:25,840 --> 01:30:28,446
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's just go with Doby.
1857
01:30:28,520 --> 01:30:31,000
Fine, then it's settled. It's Doby.
1858
01:30:31,080 --> 01:30:35,085
We'll call him Doby
even though no one likes it.
1859
01:30:35,160 --> 01:30:37,162
All right, I can live with that.
1860
01:30:39,120 --> 01:30:42,602
Don't worry, Baxter.
We won't feed him your dog food.
1861
01:30:47,720 --> 01:30:50,690
Even though
Ron Burgundy had lost his sight,
1862
01:30:50,840 --> 01:30:52,808
he had never seen so clearly.
1863
01:30:52,880 --> 01:30:54,484
You did it!
1864
01:30:54,560 --> 01:30:59,202
And with every inch
Doby grew, so did Ron's heart.
1865
01:31:10,200 --> 01:31:12,567
It's just a bunch of crazy lines, isn't it?
1866
01:31:12,800 --> 01:31:15,770
No. It's beautiful.
1867
01:31:16,960 --> 01:31:18,769
It's beautiful.
1868
01:31:33,280 --> 01:31:35,044
What about Gary?
1869
01:31:35,120 --> 01:31:36,804
We split up two weeks ago.
1870
01:31:37,000 --> 01:31:39,924
He was too emotionally stable.
It was so annoying!
1871
01:31:40,280 --> 01:31:43,602
And so, just like
the passing of the seasons,
1872
01:31:43,840 --> 01:31:45,842
it came time for Doby to return
1873
01:31:45,920 --> 01:31:48,241
to the deep waters
he was meant to call home.
1874
01:31:48,560 --> 01:31:50,403
I hear his tail splashing!
1875
01:31:50,640 --> 01:31:52,404
He's actually swimming away!
1876
01:31:52,600 --> 01:31:54,728
Is he looking back for us
over his shoulder?
1877
01:31:54,880 --> 01:31:56,609
Sharks don't have shoulders, Ron.
1878
01:31:56,680 --> 01:31:58,091
No, he just swam away,
1879
01:31:58,160 --> 01:32:00,606
and he's instantly looking for fish to eat.
1880
01:32:01,080 --> 01:32:03,401
He was my best friend.
1881
01:32:04,440 --> 01:32:05,930
You
1882
01:32:06,240 --> 01:32:08,447
Swam with strength
1883
01:32:10,240 --> 01:32:11,685
You
1884
01:32:12,120 --> 01:32:15,010
Loved with grace
1885
01:32:16,120 --> 01:32:19,602
You touched us all
1886
01:32:20,080 --> 01:32:22,970
With your expressionless
1887
01:32:23,080 --> 01:32:25,208
Face
1888
01:32:27,440 --> 01:32:29,602
Doby, oh, Doby
1889
01:32:29,960 --> 01:32:33,567
May you find many treasures
1890
01:32:33,880 --> 01:32:38,090
Both emotional and monetary
1891
01:32:39,600 --> 01:32:42,763
You were wise and loving
1892
01:32:42,840 --> 01:32:46,083
and never contrary
1893
01:32:46,400 --> 01:32:48,164
Doby
1894
01:32:48,480 --> 01:32:50,801
Oh, Doby
1895
01:32:51,280 --> 01:32:53,886
I'll never forget thee
1896
01:32:57,840 --> 01:32:59,569
Doby
1897
01:32:59,840 --> 01:33:02,366
Oh, Doby
1898
01:33:02,520 --> 01:33:05,285
I'll never forget thee
1899
01:33:09,520 --> 01:33:12,091
Promise you'll always
be there for me, Dad?
1900
01:33:12,160 --> 01:33:13,571
I promise.
1901
01:33:13,840 --> 01:33:15,729
If I say I'll be there for you,
1902
01:33:15,800 --> 01:33:18,246
there's nothing on God's earth
that will stop me.
1903
01:33:18,520 --> 01:33:19,885
I love you, Dad.
1904
01:33:20,040 --> 01:33:22,486
Let's get back up to
the lighthouse, all right?
1905
01:33:22,600 --> 01:33:24,045
- Come on.
- Okay.
1906
01:33:24,680 --> 01:33:25,841
Let's go.
1907
01:33:26,840 --> 01:33:31,004
I hope you eat lots of fish
and people, Doby.
1908
01:33:36,680 --> 01:33:37,761
Oh, there you are.
1909
01:33:37,880 --> 01:33:41,248
I found the most beautiful clams
down by the estuary.
1910
01:33:41,320 --> 01:33:43,368
I thought we could steam them up tonight
1911
01:33:43,440 --> 01:33:45,681
with a nice butter sauce
1912
01:33:46,040 --> 01:33:47,769
and some wine.
1913
01:33:49,200 --> 01:33:50,281
Veronica.
1914
01:33:50,640 --> 01:33:52,130
Yes, Ron?
1915
01:33:52,680 --> 01:33:54,205
Can you explain this?
1916
01:33:57,200 --> 01:34:00,443
Ron, this is Dr. Brangley.
I've left dozens of messages.
1917
01:34:00,520 --> 01:34:02,284
Somehow, they must be getting erased.
1918
01:34:02,360 --> 01:34:06,524
But there is a procedure
that can possibly return your sight.
1919
01:34:06,880 --> 01:34:09,531
Please get back to me
if you're interested.
1920
01:34:09,840 --> 01:34:13,128
Well? Have you been
erasing these messages?
1921
01:34:13,280 --> 01:34:16,011
Yes. Ron, just let me explain.
1922
01:34:16,080 --> 01:34:17,161
How could you?
1923
01:34:17,240 --> 01:34:20,084
We've never been this happy,
and I just thought that...
1924
01:34:20,160 --> 01:34:21,889
Thought that if I could see again,
1925
01:34:21,960 --> 01:34:24,201
that somehow I couldn't
love you and Walter anymore?
1926
01:34:24,360 --> 01:34:25,885
Yes!
1927
01:34:25,960 --> 01:34:30,010
- Damn you, woman!
- You lied to me!
1928
01:34:31,000 --> 01:34:32,729
I gave you everything!
1929
01:34:32,880 --> 01:34:36,043
I gave you my heart, my smile,
1930
01:34:37,080 --> 01:34:38,320
my seed.
1931
01:34:39,000 --> 01:34:40,240
And you lied to me.
1932
01:34:40,400 --> 01:34:41,765
- Dad!
- Sweetheart.
1933
01:34:41,840 --> 01:34:43,330
No! Dad!
1934
01:34:43,560 --> 01:34:45,324
Don't leave, Dad!
1935
01:34:45,880 --> 01:34:47,291
- Dad!
- Walter, just...
1936
01:34:47,720 --> 01:34:49,081
Sweetheart, we have to let him go.
1937
01:34:50,000 --> 01:34:51,729
He needs to go free.
1938
01:34:52,720 --> 01:34:54,210
Just like Doby.
1939
01:34:54,720 --> 01:34:57,007
He'll be back. He promised.
1940
01:34:58,600 --> 01:35:01,968
Could you please call me
a damn cab? I'm blind!
1941
01:35:02,040 --> 01:35:03,041
Of course!
1942
01:35:03,920 --> 01:35:06,844
Ron,
the operation was a success.
1943
01:35:07,280 --> 01:35:10,284
But we won't know for sure
until we remove the bandages.
1944
01:35:16,640 --> 01:35:17,971
Well?
1945
01:35:18,240 --> 01:35:19,446
Yes.
1946
01:35:20,080 --> 01:35:21,127
I can see.
1947
01:35:25,400 --> 01:35:28,927
Oh, God, oh, God.
It's Ron Burgundy, everyone!
1948
01:35:29,080 --> 01:35:30,684
You are my inspiration.
1949
01:35:30,800 --> 01:35:32,564
Oh, well, thank you.
1950
01:35:33,800 --> 01:35:34,847
Welcome back, Ron.
1951
01:35:35,120 --> 01:35:36,690
Thanks. Thanks, Bri-man.
1952
01:35:37,200 --> 01:35:38,531
Good luck in Vietnam.
1953
01:35:39,280 --> 01:35:40,611
Brick.
1954
01:35:40,760 --> 01:35:42,046
Brick and I are having a baby!
1955
01:35:42,120 --> 01:35:43,600
We're gonna name him
Tortilla Jackson.
1956
01:35:43,640 --> 01:35:45,404
- All right.
- I'm 22 months pregnant.
1957
01:35:45,480 --> 01:35:46,606
Well, get over here,
you bastard.
1958
01:35:46,680 --> 01:35:47,920
Got you a drink, Ron. Come on.
1959
01:35:49,000 --> 01:35:52,686
Uh, hold on to that drink.
I just want to grab some air.
1960
01:36:04,640 --> 01:36:06,130
How you doing there?
1961
01:36:07,120 --> 01:36:08,121
Oh.
1962
01:36:08,320 --> 01:36:11,051
I'm fine. Just, uh...
1963
01:36:11,880 --> 01:36:13,405
Just a lot of people in there.
1964
01:36:13,680 --> 01:36:17,651
Listen, Ron,
I'm sorry that I never called or visited.
1965
01:36:17,840 --> 01:36:19,649
There's no need to explain.
1966
01:36:20,080 --> 01:36:21,401
But, listen, I mean, you're back.
1967
01:36:21,440 --> 01:36:22,441
Hello, Ron.
1968
01:36:23,960 --> 01:36:25,121
What are you doing here?
1969
01:36:25,360 --> 01:36:28,409
I had to come tell you
something very important.
1970
01:36:30,400 --> 01:36:31,811
You must be Linda Jackson.
1971
01:36:32,040 --> 01:36:33,451
You must be Veronica.
1972
01:36:33,520 --> 01:36:35,010
Yes, I am. It's a pleasure.
1973
01:36:35,200 --> 01:36:36,884
This is a touching moment for me.
1974
01:36:36,960 --> 01:36:38,962
Please, don't take this the wrong way,
1975
01:36:39,040 --> 01:36:41,361
but if you touch Ron again,
1976
01:36:41,480 --> 01:36:43,926
I will shoot you
in the cooch with a B.B. gun.
1977
01:36:44,920 --> 01:36:46,410
Oh! You can talk big all you want,
1978
01:36:46,480 --> 01:36:48,881
but guess what,
this kitten's got claws, bitch.
1979
01:36:49,040 --> 01:36:50,769
Don't mess with me, Linda,
1980
01:36:50,840 --> 01:36:53,969
because this "White Thunder" rolls
deep and it rolls nasty.
1981
01:36:54,200 --> 01:36:55,725
I was feeling a little bit down,
1982
01:36:55,800 --> 01:36:57,928
but this is definitely
picking up my mood.
1983
01:36:58,080 --> 01:37:00,208
Well, I guess I'll leave you two alone.
1984
01:37:00,280 --> 01:37:03,284
And it's been
an absolute pleasure, Ms. Corningstone.
1985
01:37:03,480 --> 01:37:04,481
This has been great.
1986
01:37:04,560 --> 01:37:06,369
Do you guys want to kiss real quick?
1987
01:37:06,440 --> 01:37:08,329
Ron. Read the room.
1988
01:37:08,600 --> 01:37:10,045
I'll take that as a no.
1989
01:37:10,760 --> 01:37:12,489
Bye, Linda.
1990
01:37:13,040 --> 01:37:15,122
I know why you haven't
been returning my messages.
1991
01:37:15,240 --> 01:37:19,404
I wasn't calling for me, I was calling
because Walter has a piano recital
1992
01:37:19,520 --> 01:37:22,285
in half an hour
at the Tishman School on 65th Street.
1993
01:37:22,360 --> 01:37:24,886
And he wrote a piece for you, Ron.
1994
01:37:25,080 --> 01:37:26,889
Aw, Walter.
1995
01:37:26,960 --> 01:37:29,884
It would mean the absolute
world to him to have you there.
1996
01:37:29,960 --> 01:37:33,248
Ron, I just got a call
from the control room! Oh, big fan.
1997
01:37:34,080 --> 01:37:37,482
Actress Sheila Blackledge,
the mom from the hit sitcom
1998
01:37:37,560 --> 01:37:39,608
Four's a Family, Five's a Crowd,
1999
01:37:39,720 --> 01:37:42,200
she just found out
her husband cheated on her
2000
01:37:42,280 --> 01:37:45,124
and she severed his penis
while he slept!
2001
01:37:45,240 --> 01:37:46,287
Oh, my goodness.
2002
01:37:46,400 --> 01:37:50,041
The police arrived.
She fled in her white Bronco,
2003
01:37:50,120 --> 01:37:53,647
and now they're engaged
in a high-speed car chase!
2004
01:37:53,760 --> 01:37:55,888
We've got an exclusive on the live feed,
2005
01:37:55,960 --> 01:37:57,928
but we've got to go, right now!
2006
01:37:58,040 --> 01:38:01,249
Ron, this can be your comeback.
2007
01:38:01,600 --> 01:38:03,841
- Veronica, I...
- No, Ron. No.
2008
01:38:04,760 --> 01:38:06,649
That will get sky-high ratings.
2009
01:38:07,200 --> 01:38:10,204
- Walter will understand.
- Walter will understand.
2010
01:38:10,760 --> 01:38:11,841
Go.
2011
01:38:12,600 --> 01:38:14,125
Come on, Ron.
Priorities!
2012
01:38:14,320 --> 01:38:16,163
- Veronica!
- Come on!
2013
01:38:18,280 --> 01:38:20,009
- Can you hear me?
- Yes, yes.
2014
01:38:20,120 --> 01:38:21,400
You're coming in loud and clear.
2015
01:38:21,440 --> 01:38:22,885
You're back and you get this story.
2016
01:38:23,000 --> 01:38:24,843
- This is gonna be huge.
- Right.
2017
01:38:24,960 --> 01:38:26,689
So, is it good to be back home?
2018
01:38:26,760 --> 01:38:28,171
Um, yeah, I feel good.
2019
01:38:28,240 --> 01:38:29,605
God, look at him.
2020
01:38:29,680 --> 01:38:31,170
Like a beacon in the night!
2021
01:38:31,440 --> 01:38:32,805
My golden goose.
2022
01:38:32,880 --> 01:38:33,961
All right, baby.
2023
01:38:34,080 --> 01:38:35,206
So I'm just gonna be
giving you the details.
2024
01:38:35,280 --> 01:38:37,169
- Mmm-hmm.
- Five, four,
2025
01:38:37,240 --> 01:38:38,480
three, two...
2026
01:38:40,080 --> 01:38:41,127
Good evening, America.
2027
01:38:41,200 --> 01:38:45,364
After some time off,
it's good to be back with you.
2028
01:38:45,480 --> 01:38:47,050
I'm Ron Burgundy.
2029
01:38:47,120 --> 01:38:50,488
We have a story tonight
involving an affair,
2030
01:38:50,560 --> 01:38:55,009
a cut-off penis,
a TV star and a car chase.
2031
01:38:55,080 --> 01:38:56,445
And throw it to the feed.
2032
01:38:58,600 --> 01:39:00,011
The only problem is...
2033
01:39:01,560 --> 01:39:03,449
- What's he doing?
- Ron, are you okay?
2034
01:39:04,160 --> 01:39:05,571
- It's not news.
- What?
2035
01:39:05,640 --> 01:39:06,846
Turn off the prompter.
2036
01:39:07,000 --> 01:39:08,001
Ron, this is Kench.
2037
01:39:08,080 --> 01:39:09,411
What the hell do you
think you're doing, mate?
2038
01:39:09,480 --> 01:39:13,166
Just read what's in front of you,
or I will ruin you! Don't!
2039
01:39:13,320 --> 01:39:15,402
Don't!
You leave Kench inside your head!
2040
01:39:16,360 --> 01:39:18,886
- God damn it!
- He took out his earpiece.
2041
01:39:19,000 --> 01:39:21,810
You see, folks,
I've read a lot of news in my day,
2042
01:39:23,160 --> 01:39:26,482
but it's... It's taken me until now
2043
01:39:27,520 --> 01:39:29,887
to realize what real news is.
2044
01:39:30,280 --> 01:39:32,681
Real news is supposed
to let people know
2045
01:39:32,880 --> 01:39:37,169
what the powerful are up to, so that
that power doesn't become corrupt.
2046
01:39:37,520 --> 01:39:39,727
But what happens when
the powerful own the news?
2047
01:39:39,800 --> 01:39:42,041
Ugh! You piece of shit!
2048
01:39:42,160 --> 01:39:44,003
Shit. He's blowing the whole thing up.
2049
01:39:44,280 --> 01:39:47,204
Recently, I've been
on a bit of a personal journey.
2050
01:39:47,520 --> 01:39:51,366
I made love to a proud,
intelligent black woman.
2051
01:39:52,920 --> 01:39:54,445
I became blind.
2052
01:39:55,000 --> 01:39:57,367
I bottle-fed and raised a shark.
2053
01:39:57,800 --> 01:40:00,406
And I smoked a fair amount of crack.
2054
01:40:00,840 --> 01:40:05,289
But the most important thing I've learned
is that there was an emptiness left
2055
01:40:05,880 --> 01:40:09,646
after turning my back on three of the
best friends anyone could ever ask for.
2056
01:40:10,080 --> 01:40:11,286
Hi, Ron!
2057
01:40:11,400 --> 01:40:13,084
So, if you'll excuse me,
2058
01:40:13,160 --> 01:40:15,401
I'm going to see my child's recital
2059
01:40:15,480 --> 01:40:19,326
and tell the woman I love
that I still love her.
2060
01:40:20,600 --> 01:40:23,410
Good night, America, and never forget,
2061
01:40:24,640 --> 01:40:25,880
you deserve the truth.
2062
01:40:30,080 --> 01:40:31,525
Good. He's dead, done.
2063
01:40:31,600 --> 01:40:33,807
Linda, get the skirt in,
the blonde. Anyone!
2064
01:40:33,920 --> 01:40:35,490
He's coming back!
2065
01:40:35,560 --> 01:40:37,289
Oh, also, one other thing.
2066
01:40:37,360 --> 01:40:40,330
Koala Airlines is a really shitty airline.
2067
01:40:40,560 --> 01:40:43,643
You son of a bitch! You son of a bitch!
2068
01:40:48,040 --> 01:40:49,041
Guys, I'm sorry.
2069
01:40:49,480 --> 01:40:52,609
For a while there, I don't know
what became of Ron Burgundy.
2070
01:40:52,920 --> 01:40:55,491
Brick, I'm sorry I yelled at you.
2071
01:40:56,360 --> 01:40:57,441
Brian, I...
2072
01:40:57,600 --> 01:40:59,921
No reason why I killed
that story of yours.
2073
01:41:00,000 --> 01:41:01,331
It was excellent reporting.
2074
01:41:01,760 --> 01:41:05,003
And, Champ, I'm sorry
I said no to all those
2075
01:41:05,120 --> 01:41:08,920
offers for late-night
deep-tissue rubdowns.
2076
01:41:10,440 --> 01:41:12,124
Ron, you're a good man.
2077
01:41:12,200 --> 01:41:15,522
But you have fallen victim
to your own ego and your own hubris.
2078
01:41:16,040 --> 01:41:19,522
And before others can forgive you,
you must learn to forgive yourself.
2079
01:41:22,920 --> 01:41:23,967
What was that, Brick?
2080
01:41:24,440 --> 01:41:26,169
I'm wearing two pairs of pants.
2081
01:41:27,760 --> 01:41:28,841
Thank you.
2082
01:41:29,040 --> 01:41:30,804
So that's it, huh?
2083
01:41:30,880 --> 01:41:32,769
You're sorry?
2084
01:41:32,840 --> 01:41:36,162
You know what, Burgundy?
Apologies are like assholes.
2085
01:41:36,240 --> 01:41:37,446
Everyone's got one
2086
01:41:37,520 --> 01:41:40,569
and everyone's got a shoebox full of
Polaroids of them under the bed.
2087
01:41:41,520 --> 01:41:43,249
Ron, we're a team.
2088
01:41:43,320 --> 01:41:44,481
We need you.
2089
01:41:44,720 --> 01:41:46,210
Let him go, Champ.
2090
01:41:51,440 --> 01:41:52,680
Ron!
2091
01:41:53,360 --> 01:41:56,250
Long live Ron Burgundy!
2092
01:42:04,760 --> 01:42:07,525
I'm Brick Tamland for GNN News.
2093
01:42:08,240 --> 01:42:11,926
The itsy bitsy spider
went up the water spout.
2094
01:42:12,200 --> 01:42:13,929
You little hack!
2095
01:42:14,280 --> 01:42:15,850
Huh? Who the hell do you think you are?
2096
01:42:15,920 --> 01:42:17,206
After everything I've done for you,
2097
01:42:17,280 --> 01:42:19,681
this is how you repay me?
Well, I will crush you!
2098
01:42:22,560 --> 01:42:24,050
Once again, Mr. Burgundy,
2099
01:42:24,120 --> 01:42:26,805
you are the ballsiest
white man I've ever known.
2100
01:42:26,880 --> 01:42:28,484
What the hell?
2101
01:42:29,240 --> 01:42:31,129
One more for old times' sake.
2102
01:42:37,720 --> 01:42:38,721
Thank you.
2103
01:42:38,800 --> 01:42:40,848
Is Dad going to come?
2104
01:42:40,920 --> 01:42:42,809
No, sweetheart, Daddy has to work.
2105
01:42:42,880 --> 01:42:45,042
He's going to come. I know it.
2106
01:42:45,360 --> 01:42:46,566
Taxi!
2107
01:42:47,240 --> 01:42:49,242
Taxi! Taxi!
2108
01:42:49,320 --> 01:42:50,401
Damn it!
2109
01:42:50,720 --> 01:42:53,963
It's so hard for a proud Mexican
to get a taxi in this city!
2110
01:42:54,800 --> 01:42:56,131
I need to see my son!
2111
01:42:56,560 --> 01:43:00,804
And now, to play an original
composition that he wrote for his father,
2112
01:43:00,920 --> 01:43:03,764
here is seven-year-old Walter Burgundy.
2113
01:43:12,440 --> 01:43:14,920
I made a promise!
I made a promise to my son!
2114
01:43:18,600 --> 01:43:19,647
What the hell?
2115
01:43:20,160 --> 01:43:21,764
Well, hello, Ron.
2116
01:43:22,280 --> 01:43:23,441
You out for a jog?
2117
01:43:23,640 --> 01:43:25,005
Jack Lime!
2118
01:43:26,200 --> 01:43:27,440
Where's everyone going?
2119
01:43:27,560 --> 01:43:30,564
Please. I don't have time to talk, okay?
I have to be somewhere.
2120
01:43:30,960 --> 01:43:32,849
Well, that's funny.
'Cause I got nowhere to be
2121
01:43:33,480 --> 01:43:35,687
because you pretty much
destroyed my career.
2122
01:43:36,280 --> 01:43:39,966
Do you realize what it did to me,
by making me call myself Jack Lame?
2123
01:43:41,040 --> 01:43:42,929
It was a living hell!
2124
01:43:45,640 --> 01:43:48,484
I'm telling you, you have to let me go!
2125
01:43:48,760 --> 01:43:50,649
Oh, don't worry. Four against one.
2126
01:43:51,360 --> 01:43:52,771
This will be over fast.
2127
01:43:53,560 --> 01:43:55,244
Maybe not so fast!
2128
01:43:58,720 --> 01:44:00,961
My news team. Thank God!
2129
01:44:02,840 --> 01:44:07,323
Ain't a day that will be or has been
that we don't have Ron Burgundy's back.
2130
01:44:07,520 --> 01:44:09,488
Not a problem.
When I'm done with these mutts,
2131
01:44:09,560 --> 01:44:11,050
I'm gonna wipe my shoes on the curb.
2132
01:44:11,160 --> 01:44:12,889
Oh, yeah, Jack Lime?
2133
01:44:13,240 --> 01:44:14,765
When I'm done with you,
2134
01:44:14,840 --> 01:44:17,650
my mom's going to
pick me up and take me home.
2135
01:44:18,000 --> 01:44:19,161
Wait!
2136
01:44:22,680 --> 01:44:24,489
Here's a headline for you.
2137
01:44:24,560 --> 01:44:27,006
"Moronic Yank Wankerman"
2138
01:44:27,080 --> 01:44:30,687
"Gets a Bloody Good Hiding
From News Reader"
2139
01:44:30,760 --> 01:44:32,603
"From a Superior Country."
2140
01:44:33,120 --> 01:44:36,363
For we are the BBC News Service.
2141
01:44:38,760 --> 01:44:40,205
No. Not now.
2142
01:44:40,360 --> 01:44:41,521
Fall back, fall back.
2143
01:44:45,640 --> 01:44:46,801
If y'all are gonna get down,
2144
01:44:46,880 --> 01:44:49,724
then Wesley Jackson and
the MTV News crew want in.
2145
01:44:49,880 --> 01:44:51,370
What's MTV?
2146
01:44:52,120 --> 01:44:53,531
I think it's a venereal disease.
2147
01:44:53,880 --> 01:44:55,609
The most requested video of the day?
2148
01:44:55,680 --> 01:44:58,763
A new band called Burgundy's
Sucking Chest Wound.
2149
01:45:05,040 --> 01:45:06,883
It wouldn't be a battle without Jill Janson.
2150
01:45:06,960 --> 01:45:09,361
And Wendy Van Peele
from Entertainment News.
2151
01:45:09,440 --> 01:45:11,681
Entertainment news is an abomination!
2152
01:45:11,920 --> 01:45:14,526
Who are you wearing today?
Oh, look, it's your own blood!
2153
01:45:14,840 --> 01:45:16,569
Today's celebrity birthdays... None.
2154
01:45:16,680 --> 01:45:17,966
Today's celebrity deaths...
2155
01:45:18,080 --> 01:45:19,605
All you dick-licks.
2156
01:45:21,840 --> 01:45:23,569
I like the way they're put together.
2157
01:45:23,640 --> 01:45:25,165
I like fighting girls.
2158
01:45:25,240 --> 01:45:27,004
I like to cunt punt cowboys.
2159
01:45:27,080 --> 01:45:28,923
- You eat pussy?
- You're gonna.
2160
01:45:29,080 --> 01:45:30,650
Hey!
2161
01:45:31,160 --> 01:45:34,243
There's not gonna
be any fight without Scott Riles
2162
01:45:34,440 --> 01:45:37,011
and the incredibly polite
Canadian News team.
2163
01:45:38,680 --> 01:45:41,286
What about the French-speaking
Quebec News?
2164
01:45:41,400 --> 01:45:42,970
The real voice of Canada!
2165
01:45:43,040 --> 01:45:44,041
Give it a rest, eh?
2166
01:45:44,120 --> 01:45:46,726
Give me a break! They can't have news.
2167
01:45:46,800 --> 01:45:48,165
Nothing happens in Canada!
2168
01:45:48,320 --> 01:45:49,845
We're gonna mop the floor with you!
2169
01:45:49,920 --> 01:45:52,048
- We're gonna put the boots to you! Sorry.
- Sorry.
2170
01:45:52,360 --> 01:45:55,728
We're gonna gouge your eyes out!
And kick your head in!
2171
01:45:55,800 --> 01:45:57,211
Sorry!
2172
01:45:57,280 --> 01:45:58,850
I like your ginger ale!
2173
01:46:02,720 --> 01:46:05,291
Jeff Bullington, ESPN, all sports.
2174
01:46:05,360 --> 01:46:07,601
Tonight's play of the day is me,
2175
01:46:07,680 --> 01:46:09,682
extracting your spine
from your dead body.
2176
01:46:09,880 --> 01:46:11,803
Holy shit, there's a lot of news!
2177
01:46:11,960 --> 01:46:14,201
It's true, the market
is becoming saturated.
2178
01:46:14,360 --> 01:46:18,046
Hey. The History Network
wants in on this. We're news, too.
2179
01:46:18,120 --> 01:46:20,726
Only news told much, much later.
2180
01:46:22,320 --> 01:46:25,688
Wait a minute. Is that the ghost
of Stonewall Jackson with you?
2181
01:46:25,800 --> 01:46:28,485
Yes, it is. And the mighty Minotaur.
2182
01:46:29,760 --> 01:46:31,046
I don't know about this, man.
2183
01:46:31,200 --> 01:46:34,124
The Minotaur isn't even history!
He's mythology!
2184
01:46:35,880 --> 01:46:37,644
Let's not downplay the fact
2185
01:46:37,720 --> 01:46:40,166
that that's the ghost
of Stonewall Jackson!
2186
01:46:40,440 --> 01:46:44,604
May the Lord anoint this
hallowed field of battle.
2187
01:46:44,960 --> 01:46:48,282
You guys got room in this
battle for an old war horse?
2188
01:46:48,400 --> 01:46:50,323
Mack Tannen!
What are you doing here?
2189
01:46:50,400 --> 01:46:51,606
You're too old for this.
2190
01:46:51,840 --> 01:46:54,161
Well, you see, there's the thing.
2191
01:46:54,240 --> 01:46:59,849
When there's an early moon,
I almost feel like a stallion again!
2192
01:47:00,400 --> 01:47:01,925
He's on our side, right, Ron?
2193
01:47:10,160 --> 01:47:11,605
He's a were-hyena!
2194
01:47:12,960 --> 01:47:15,122
I'm-a call Michael Jackson.
I got a video idea.
2195
01:47:15,440 --> 01:47:17,408
All right, everyone, listen up!
2196
01:47:21,200 --> 01:47:25,922
By virtue of being on this battlefield,
there is no return.
2197
01:47:27,440 --> 01:47:28,965
People will die.
2198
01:47:29,320 --> 01:47:30,560
I'm so horny right now.
2199
01:47:30,640 --> 01:47:32,404
Some will be disfigured.
2200
01:47:32,600 --> 01:47:36,810
In some cases,
lasting friendships will be made.
2201
01:47:37,760 --> 01:47:42,049
And as usual,
no touching of the hair and face.
2202
01:47:42,320 --> 01:47:44,561
Come on.
What do we look like, rookies?
2203
01:47:44,640 --> 01:47:45,687
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
2204
01:47:45,880 --> 01:47:47,644
When El Trousias,
2205
01:47:47,840 --> 01:47:51,003
maiden of the clouds,
blows the battle horn,
2206
01:47:51,600 --> 01:47:53,648
let the battle begin!
2207
01:47:53,800 --> 01:47:56,167
I am El Trousias!
2208
01:47:58,120 --> 01:48:00,327
Hear my siren song!
2209
01:48:02,640 --> 01:48:04,449
El Trousias...
2210
01:48:04,520 --> 01:48:06,648
The Juicies'. Hmm.
2211
01:48:11,680 --> 01:48:13,170
That means you can start.
2212
01:48:14,600 --> 01:48:16,523
Brick, what the hell is that?
2213
01:48:17,240 --> 01:48:18,571
It's a gun from the future.
2214
01:48:19,000 --> 01:48:20,809
No fair! He's got a gun from the future!
2215
01:48:21,160 --> 01:48:22,969
Where did you get it from?
2216
01:48:38,160 --> 01:48:42,006
In the name of the King,
the Queen and St. George.
2217
01:48:45,000 --> 01:48:46,126
Huzzah!
2218
01:49:18,760 --> 01:49:20,250
Guess you didn't see that coming.
2219
01:49:20,360 --> 01:49:21,930
Twenty degrees right.
2220
01:49:22,800 --> 01:49:23,881
Fill that gap!
2221
01:49:24,040 --> 01:49:29,080
Fall upon your swords!
Life has no meaning!
2222
01:49:30,720 --> 01:49:34,406
There will be a mint julep
waiting on the other side, son.
2223
01:49:35,960 --> 01:49:37,928
Release your soul to me.
2224
01:49:56,440 --> 01:49:57,771
Sorry!
2225
01:49:58,320 --> 01:50:00,049
Sorry! Sorry!
2226
01:50:00,520 --> 01:50:02,363
Sex Panther powers activate.
2227
01:50:25,600 --> 01:50:27,443
It's the ghost of Stonewall Jackson!
2228
01:50:27,640 --> 01:50:30,325
Everyone, it's the ghost
of Stonewall Jackson!
2229
01:50:30,840 --> 01:50:32,410
Why do we have to fight?
2230
01:50:33,160 --> 01:50:34,721
There's so much I could learn from you.
2231
01:50:43,160 --> 01:50:45,561
In the name of Margaret Thatcher...
2232
01:50:45,640 --> 01:50:47,563
- No!
- I sentence you to death!
2233
01:50:47,640 --> 01:50:49,290
Please, no!
2234
01:50:50,080 --> 01:50:51,127
Oh!
2235
01:50:53,040 --> 01:50:54,804
What in the name of Dan Issel?
2236
01:50:57,160 --> 01:50:58,161
Gary!
2237
01:50:58,320 --> 01:50:59,651
Yes, Ron.
2238
01:51:01,000 --> 01:51:03,002
You and I never got along.
2239
01:51:03,120 --> 01:51:04,804
But using the power of my mind,
2240
01:51:04,880 --> 01:51:07,531
I was able to see in the future
that you would do good.
2241
01:51:09,440 --> 01:51:10,885
- Now, go.
- I knew it!
2242
01:51:10,960 --> 01:51:12,450
Go to your son's recital.
2243
01:51:12,560 --> 01:51:14,164
I knew you had mind powers!
2244
01:51:14,280 --> 01:51:16,408
And make it the greatest day of your life!
2245
01:51:16,600 --> 01:51:18,762
Almighty, Almighty,
light the fuse on my call.
2246
01:51:18,840 --> 01:51:20,763
Thirty-niner-niner-14, cook these fools.
2247
01:51:20,840 --> 01:51:22,365
I repeat, cook these fools.
2248
01:51:33,600 --> 01:51:35,841
We've got to get out of here.
There's too much news!
2249
01:51:35,920 --> 01:51:37,570
Man, what a rush!
2250
01:51:37,640 --> 01:51:39,051
The monster's my friend!
2251
01:51:39,160 --> 01:51:41,242
Ron, we can still make your kid's recital!
2252
01:51:42,600 --> 01:51:44,364
Hey, Ronny.
2253
01:51:44,600 --> 01:51:47,729
Jack Lime, please,
I just want to get to my son's recital.
2254
01:51:47,800 --> 01:51:49,609
No! That is out of the question!
2255
01:51:49,720 --> 01:51:50,767
We're outnumbered, Ron.
2256
01:51:50,840 --> 01:51:52,490
Foam the runway, I'm coming in hot!
2257
01:52:04,720 --> 01:52:07,963
Old MacDonald had a farm
2258
01:52:08,160 --> 01:52:10,401
And then four guys on bikes showed up.
2259
01:52:10,800 --> 01:52:13,644
Wes Mantooth and the
Channel Nine news team!
2260
01:52:13,920 --> 01:52:15,331
Hey, what the hell
are you guys doing here?
2261
01:52:15,400 --> 01:52:16,731
This is a national news fight.
2262
01:52:17,080 --> 01:52:18,730
You made one mistake today.
2263
01:52:19,520 --> 01:52:21,488
You messed with somebody
from San Diego.
2264
01:52:22,000 --> 01:52:25,083
It's actually pronounced San Diago.
2265
01:52:25,320 --> 01:52:27,846
Hell, Ron and I
may not agree on everything,
2266
01:52:28,760 --> 01:52:30,000
but we share the bond of being
2267
01:52:30,080 --> 01:52:32,120
from the greatest city
in the history of this Earth.
2268
01:52:33,680 --> 01:52:34,966
Well, ain't that cute?
2269
01:52:35,680 --> 01:52:37,250
But you're outnumbered three-to-one.
2270
01:52:37,880 --> 01:52:39,120
Why don't you go back to your mama?
2271
01:52:39,240 --> 01:52:41,288
Don't you use my mom's name in vain.
2272
01:52:42,120 --> 01:52:44,521
Dorothy Mantooth was
a hard-working single woman
2273
01:52:44,600 --> 01:52:46,409
who raised seven children on her own,
2274
01:52:46,480 --> 01:52:48,881
and she remained sexually
active till the day she died.
2275
01:52:49,120 --> 01:52:51,441
She brought pole dancing
into the mainstream.
2276
01:52:52,160 --> 01:52:54,845
Now here's the thing.
While I've been talking,
2277
01:52:54,920 --> 01:52:58,447
my news team has emptied
their gas tanks at your feet.
2278
01:53:01,440 --> 01:53:04,125
I drop this smoke and
every one of you goes "poof."
2279
01:53:04,440 --> 01:53:06,522
Well, you forgot one thing, leatherman.
2280
01:53:06,600 --> 01:53:08,250
You drop that smoke, you die, too.
2281
01:53:12,120 --> 01:53:13,963
With the things I've done in my life,
2282
01:53:14,880 --> 01:53:16,882
oh, I know I'm going to burn in hell.
2283
01:53:17,960 --> 01:53:20,645
So I sure as shit
ain't afraid to burn here on Earth.
2284
01:53:20,960 --> 01:53:22,610
Oh, my goodness!
2285
01:53:22,760 --> 01:53:24,888
That's the most
badass thing I have ever heard.
2286
01:53:25,640 --> 01:53:26,846
All right!
2287
01:53:28,160 --> 01:53:29,321
Looks like this fight's over.
2288
01:53:31,360 --> 01:53:32,600
Let's go, boys.
2289
01:53:33,760 --> 01:53:36,650
Yay! We won! Let's celebrate!
2290
01:53:36,760 --> 01:53:37,966
Sparklers!
2291
01:53:38,080 --> 01:53:40,811
- No, no, no, Brick!
- No!
2292
01:54:04,760 --> 01:54:07,081
- Bravo! Bravo.
- Yeah. Whoo!
2293
01:54:09,360 --> 01:54:10,441
Dad!
2294
01:54:10,600 --> 01:54:12,921
Son, I fought a Minotaur to be here.
2295
01:54:13,560 --> 01:54:14,846
And I'd do it again.
2296
01:54:15,000 --> 01:54:18,607
Dad! Together we can defeat voodoo!
2297
01:54:19,000 --> 01:54:21,685
Ron had finally
learned how to love his son
2298
01:54:21,760 --> 01:54:24,445
and his wife more than his career.
2299
01:54:25,480 --> 01:54:28,165
And as it turned out,
his walking off the news
2300
01:54:28,600 --> 01:54:31,888
was the highest-rated
TV event of the year.
2301
01:54:32,600 --> 01:54:35,001
He and his news team,
along with Veronica,
2302
01:54:35,200 --> 01:54:37,806
could have any job they wanted.
2303
01:54:38,480 --> 01:54:42,280
But before that, they had one
little thing to take care of.
2304
01:54:44,720 --> 01:54:48,930
And now, before I join this
couple in holy matrimony,
2305
01:54:49,200 --> 01:54:51,487
Brick and Chani ask us to join them
2306
01:54:51,760 --> 01:54:53,649
as they exchange their vows.
2307
01:54:54,640 --> 01:54:55,721
My dearest Brick.
2308
01:54:56,120 --> 01:54:58,248
Everything I have is yours.
2309
01:54:58,800 --> 01:55:01,406
My four lawnmowers. My sister.
2310
01:55:02,280 --> 01:55:06,729
My 35 ferrets. My massive student loan
and real estate debt.
2311
01:55:06,800 --> 01:55:08,006
It's all yours.
2312
01:55:09,920 --> 01:55:11,285
Oh, Chani.
2313
01:55:11,360 --> 01:55:14,603
I will never forget
the exact moment I saw you.
2314
01:55:14,680 --> 01:55:18,401
My pee-pee got all uncomfortable
in my pants, and I thought,
2315
01:55:18,480 --> 01:55:22,007
"Here comes the warm milkshake
out of the tip of my belly stick."
2316
01:55:25,520 --> 01:55:27,522
Wait! Look!
2317
01:55:27,720 --> 01:55:29,563
Walter, Walter, honey, shh!
2318
01:55:29,760 --> 01:55:31,649
Look in the water!
2319
01:55:32,120 --> 01:55:34,282
It's Doby!
2320
01:55:34,400 --> 01:55:35,561
Oh, my God.
2321
01:55:35,680 --> 01:55:38,001
It's Doby! Doby!
2322
01:55:38,440 --> 01:55:40,966
Ron, what are you doing?
He's not your friend!
2323
01:55:41,240 --> 01:55:42,446
Doby!
2324
01:55:42,960 --> 01:55:45,201
Ron! That's a shark!
2325
01:55:45,600 --> 01:55:47,409
He will eat you!
2326
01:55:48,360 --> 01:55:50,681
Old friends
2327
01:55:52,760 --> 01:55:54,250
Old friends
2328
01:55:54,320 --> 01:55:55,685
Doby!
2329
01:55:56,640 --> 01:56:00,725
Sat on their park bench like bookends
2330
01:56:01,400 --> 01:56:02,526
Oh, my God!
2331
01:56:02,720 --> 01:56:04,370
The shark actually recognizes him!
2332
01:56:06,680 --> 01:56:08,320
Nope.
He's viciously attacking him.
2333
01:56:09,280 --> 01:56:12,204
Doby! Doby, it's me! Ron!
2334
01:56:12,400 --> 01:56:14,687
If a man dies
with love in his heart,
2335
01:56:15,000 --> 01:56:16,889
does he truly die?
2336
01:56:17,040 --> 01:56:18,405
Absolutely!
2337
01:56:18,480 --> 01:56:23,042
But on this day, Ron Burgundy's grapple
with this denizen from the deep
2338
01:56:23,160 --> 01:56:26,846
was halted by 28 pounds
of furry providence.
2339
01:56:31,720 --> 01:56:32,926
I bottle-fed you!
2340
01:56:36,000 --> 01:56:37,081
Baxter!
2341
01:56:44,240 --> 01:56:45,401
Baxter!
2342
01:56:46,200 --> 01:56:49,329
Baxter! Ah, yes!
2343
01:56:52,680 --> 01:56:55,763
I know, I know, I love you, too.
2344
01:56:59,040 --> 01:57:00,405
Oh. Come on.
2345
02:02:28,760 --> 02:02:30,205
All right, let's do it.
2346
02:02:32,320 --> 02:02:33,606
You guys think...
2347
02:02:33,680 --> 02:02:35,091
I don't know how to use a computer.
2348
02:02:35,640 --> 02:02:38,450
Hey, fellas.
I just saw Jack Lime out there.
2349
02:02:38,520 --> 02:02:40,727
He's a goddamn iceman.
2350
02:02:41,240 --> 02:02:42,924
Scared the crap out of me.