1
00:01:03,500 --> 00:01:06,502
This is Friday night in my hometown.
2
00:01:06,503 --> 00:01:10,564
Those guys behind me
are actually my neighbors.
3
00:01:21,059 --> 00:01:24,395
What is it that you want to be?
4
00:01:24,396 --> 00:01:26,856
I gotta go.
5
00:01:26,940 --> 00:01:29,942
It's in a million pieces.
6
00:01:29,943 --> 00:01:32,986
I gotta show you.
7
00:02:11,902 --> 00:02:14,187
Brains.
8
00:02:20,495 --> 00:02:22,455
So, why is everybody so mad?
9
00:02:22,456 --> 00:02:26,100
And how did I get stuck
with these two freaks?
10
00:02:26,168 --> 00:02:30,655
Well, the aliens showed up.
11
00:02:30,656 --> 00:02:34,116
Okay, let me back up.
12
00:02:57,374 --> 00:02:59,867
I'm telling you, this thing
with Lorelei is about to happen.
13
00:02:59,868 --> 00:03:01,452
I can feel it in my bones.
14
00:03:01,453 --> 00:03:03,954
- Bones? Yeah, that would be cool.
- You're not even listening.
15
00:03:03,955 --> 00:03:06,207
You never listen to me.
You're supposed to be my friend.
16
00:03:06,208 --> 00:03:08,048
What? Look, Lorelei
doesn't like you like that.
17
00:03:08,084 --> 00:03:09,377
If she did,
she'd have given it up by now.
18
00:03:09,461 --> 00:03:12,298
I'm saying, I think she does.
I feel like we're right on the cusp.
19
00:03:12,381 --> 00:03:14,175
She's been coming over to my house
more and more lately.
20
00:03:14,258 --> 00:03:16,761
That's because she stashes her weed
at your house.
21
00:03:16,886 --> 00:03:19,013
- How did you know that?
- Because her dad's a Christian Scientist
22
00:03:19,096 --> 00:03:23,233
and because everyone calls you
her "weed locker."
23
00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:25,702
No.
24
00:03:25,728 --> 00:03:28,030
- People really call me that?
- All the time.
25
00:03:28,064 --> 00:03:29,982
- It makes me look like an idiot.
- Pretty much.
26
00:03:30,066 --> 00:03:31,692
And what do you say to them?
You back me up, right?
27
00:03:31,776 --> 00:03:32,902
No.
28
00:03:32,969 --> 00:03:34,237
Parminder... - What?
29
00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:36,823
That's your job as a friend,
is to make me look good when people...
30
00:03:36,906 --> 00:03:38,716
- Jesus!
- Are you kidding me?
31
00:03:38,741 --> 00:03:40,551
Dude, you're a terrible friend.
32
00:03:40,576 --> 00:03:41,994
Okay.
33
00:03:42,078 --> 00:03:47,058
Maybe she has me hold her weed
as an excuse to keep coming over.
34
00:03:47,083 --> 00:03:48,209
- Did you think about that?
- No.
35
00:03:48,292 --> 00:03:51,838
That's probably it. Her body language
has been super cuspy lately.
36
00:03:51,921 --> 00:03:55,541
- Well, if it's been super cuspy, then...
- Hey, hey, Lor.
37
00:03:57,093 --> 00:04:00,795
Yeah, that cuspiness was palpable.
38
00:04:00,805 --> 00:04:02,389
Shut up.
39
00:04:17,113 --> 00:04:20,383
- Oh, God. Hey, Milan.
- Hey, Petra. How's it going?
40
00:04:20,449 --> 00:04:22,760
- Good. How are you?
- Good.
41
00:04:22,785 --> 00:04:25,930
- Tonight's the night.
- Yeah. Yeah, I can't wait.
42
00:04:25,955 --> 00:04:30,108
Your first vamp party.
You're going to love it.
43
00:04:30,167 --> 00:04:35,299
So, I heard that vamp parties
can be kind of rough. Is that...
44
00:04:35,382 --> 00:04:37,022
- Hey, that's my locker there.
- Fuck off.
45
00:04:37,175 --> 00:04:39,303
Look, if you're too scared,
we don't have to do this.
46
00:04:39,386 --> 00:04:40,971
What? No, I'm not scared.
47
00:04:41,305 --> 00:04:44,641
- That's my special girl. Come on.
- Okay.
48
00:04:45,058 --> 00:04:47,578
- Hey, if I could just get into my locker.
- I said, "Fuck off!"
49
00:04:51,148 --> 00:04:52,817
- Oh, we should...
- Come on.
50
00:04:55,653 --> 00:04:57,113
Don't ever get in my way again, pussy.
51
00:05:16,549 --> 00:05:17,842
Come on.
52
00:05:22,889 --> 00:05:24,849
- Mr. Keller?
- The teachers' lounge.
53
00:05:25,892 --> 00:05:28,353
- What?
- I'm in the teachers' lounge.
54
00:05:29,854 --> 00:05:31,522
Teachers' lounge.
55
00:05:32,190 --> 00:05:33,858
Teachers' lounge.
56
00:05:34,859 --> 00:05:36,527
Teachers' lounge.
57
00:05:39,864 --> 00:05:43,576
For the love of Pete. If you finish a pot
of blood, please put another one on.
58
00:05:44,410 --> 00:05:46,412
Can we all do that? We can all do that.
59
00:05:48,122 --> 00:05:49,207
Look at this.
60
00:05:49,290 --> 00:05:51,834
Mr. Keller, I just had one quick question
about my paper.
61
00:05:51,918 --> 00:05:53,678
I think there's been an
error in the grading.
62
00:05:53,711 --> 00:05:55,713
Oh, let me guess. You think there's
been an error in the grading
63
00:05:55,797 --> 00:05:57,507
because in your mind,
you wrote a wonderful essay
64
00:05:57,590 --> 00:05:59,927
yet you still received a failing grade.
Is that it?
65
00:06:00,052 --> 00:06:01,637
That's correct. Um...
66
00:06:02,096 --> 00:06:03,722
And I'd like you to change it.
67
00:06:03,806 --> 00:06:07,351
Don't you get it, Ned? Not everything
in your life is under your control.
68
00:06:07,434 --> 00:06:10,062
Sometimes people don't do
what you want them to do.
69
00:06:10,229 --> 00:06:12,731
Sometimes you vink at them
and they don't vink back.
70
00:06:14,233 --> 00:06:16,944
- What's a vink?
- It's a cruel world is my point.
71
00:06:17,069 --> 00:06:19,738
It's best you learn that now
before you get the wrong idea. Okay?
72
00:06:22,282 --> 00:06:25,160
And the donuts are gone?
The donuts are gone? Huh?
73
00:06:25,577 --> 00:06:28,998
We couldn't save one donut?
Not one donut?
74
00:06:30,165 --> 00:06:33,836
No, I don't want your quarter of a donut!
I want a full donut!
75
00:06:34,503 --> 00:06:38,298
Don't you dare. Don't you fucking dare!
76
00:06:38,966 --> 00:06:40,801
Unbelievable!
77
00:06:40,926 --> 00:06:42,845
Come on, man! For the love of shit!
78
00:06:46,807 --> 00:06:48,017
God damn it.
79
00:06:51,812 --> 00:06:55,858
So, you were saying something
about deliberately misgrading my paper
80
00:06:56,025 --> 00:06:57,192
to teach me a lesson?
81
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:04,241
Ned, I'm so sorry. It's just that
most of the kids that go to this school...
82
00:07:04,324 --> 00:07:06,827
I would love to chain all of them
to their lockers
83
00:07:06,952 --> 00:07:10,247
in a manner that would make sure
that they would not escape.
84
00:07:10,330 --> 00:07:14,084
And then just roll sticks of dynamite.
Like, old-fashioned dynamite.
85
00:07:14,168 --> 00:07:17,212
Just roll it down the hall
and blow up the school.
86
00:07:17,296 --> 00:07:20,299
And then I would spare a couple of faculty.
Not this motherfucker.
87
00:07:21,550 --> 00:07:23,302
I should fucking eat you!
88
00:07:24,471 --> 00:07:26,724
But you, you're amazing, Ned.
89
00:07:26,974 --> 00:07:28,854
You're possibly the best student
I have ever had
90
00:07:28,893 --> 00:07:33,397
in the 97 years of teaching at this
godforsaken shit-stain of a school.
91
00:07:33,481 --> 00:07:34,523
Wow.
92
00:07:34,648 --> 00:07:38,110
And that's the reason that I...
93
00:07:38,194 --> 00:07:42,073
I have to just strangle your dreams
and break you as a being.
94
00:07:42,823 --> 00:07:43,908
I don't understand.
95
00:07:43,991 --> 00:07:46,994
This essay is a masterpiece, Ned.
96
00:07:47,661 --> 00:07:52,416
It should be framed and put in some museum
that's dedicated to great essays.
97
00:07:53,334 --> 00:07:58,923
And I can't tell you how much joy it
gives me that there's an F there.
98
00:07:59,006 --> 00:08:00,883
That F stands for "Fun."
99
00:08:02,843 --> 00:08:04,095
My fun.
100
00:08:05,679 --> 00:08:09,475
Dude, it's crazy. Look, when she's looking
into my eyes, it's like time stops.
101
00:08:09,558 --> 00:08:10,851
She never looks into your eyes.
102
00:08:10,935 --> 00:08:14,021
Look, man, you need to just
shut the fuck up and do something about it.
103
00:08:14,105 --> 00:08:16,690
- Okay, like what?
- I don't know. Go caveman on her.
104
00:08:16,774 --> 00:08:17,894
Just club her over the head,
105
00:08:17,942 --> 00:08:19,068
drag her back to your cave,
and just... Argh!
106
00:08:19,193 --> 00:08:20,277
You're so violent.
107
00:08:20,361 --> 00:08:22,921
All right, well, then next time
you see her, just grab her thigh.
108
00:08:23,405 --> 00:08:25,866
- Just grab her thigh?
- Enjoy your riblet.
109
00:08:25,950 --> 00:08:28,452
This is Lorelei, okay?
I'm not just gonna grab her thigh.
110
00:08:28,536 --> 00:08:31,455
You know what? Last weekend,
I grabbed Kathy Murch's thigh.
111
00:08:31,539 --> 00:08:34,542
She sat on this face, bro.
I gave her a nose job.
112
00:08:35,626 --> 00:08:38,295
Okay, number one,
I don't even know what that means.
113
00:08:38,379 --> 00:08:41,882
Number two, Kathy Murch is a slut.
114
00:08:41,966 --> 00:08:44,093
Man, stop judging people.
115
00:08:45,469 --> 00:08:46,720
Unless you like her.
116
00:08:47,054 --> 00:08:48,473
- I kind of do.
- You like her?
117
00:08:48,557 --> 00:08:50,267
Can I get some gazpacho?
118
00:08:52,644 --> 00:08:54,312
There's no brains here.
119
00:08:59,901 --> 00:09:01,570
Would you look at that?
120
00:09:02,779 --> 00:09:04,156
Oh, Jesus.
121
00:09:04,489 --> 00:09:06,867
Oh, yeah! I'm definitely hitting that.
122
00:09:06,950 --> 00:09:08,785
We're playing you B-squad bitches today.
123
00:09:09,077 --> 00:09:12,747
I'll probably go yard at least twice
and chicks dig the long ball.
124
00:09:13,248 --> 00:09:16,668
Hell, I'll probably go three times
if Coach puts in that bitch, Parminder.
125
00:09:16,751 --> 00:09:18,253
I'm sitting right here.
126
00:09:23,091 --> 00:09:25,594
Hey, Petra. I hear you're going
to the vamp party tonight.
127
00:09:25,927 --> 00:09:27,567
I've always wanted to go to a vamp party.
128
00:09:27,637 --> 00:09:29,764
That's because
you're a total wampire, Leonard.
129
00:09:29,848 --> 00:09:31,099
Am not.
130
00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:33,977
Can I come with you?
We can take my dad's Kia.
131
00:09:34,102 --> 00:09:37,022
Yeah, I would,
but I'm actually kind of going with Milan.
132
00:09:37,105 --> 00:09:40,192
Shut up. Milan Pinache? That's huge.
133
00:09:40,442 --> 00:09:43,445
Oh, my God. Look at her face.
She's totally going to fuck him.
134
00:09:43,612 --> 00:09:44,821
Yeah, you better jimmy up.
135
00:09:45,322 --> 00:09:48,450
If you actually knew him,
you'd realize Milan's really sweet.
136
00:09:51,870 --> 00:09:54,539
Cockblock me again
and they'll never find your body.
137
00:09:56,291 --> 00:09:58,628
Your brother is such a dickbag.
138
00:09:58,794 --> 00:10:00,004
I know.
139
00:10:03,883 --> 00:10:05,301
Thank you.
140
00:10:09,347 --> 00:10:11,390
The first pitch I'm
throwing to Chaz, fastball.
141
00:10:11,474 --> 00:10:13,310
- Burn it in.
- Oh, shit!
142
00:10:13,393 --> 00:10:15,020
- What?
- Rick's here.
143
00:10:15,145 --> 00:10:17,147
Yeah, he's sponsoring the team this year.
144
00:10:17,231 --> 00:10:21,235
The fuckbag fired my mom and every time
I see this asshole, he brings it up.
145
00:10:21,318 --> 00:10:22,736
Come on, man.
146
00:10:22,819 --> 00:10:24,655
Whatever. He probably
won't even recognize me.
147
00:10:25,155 --> 00:10:26,406
Here you go, son.
148
00:10:26,490 --> 00:10:28,742
The Malphasta Corporation
welcomes you to the Wolves.
149
00:10:28,825 --> 00:10:30,077
Congratulations.
150
00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:34,039
Hey! I know you.
You're, uh, Peg Parker's boy.
151
00:10:34,164 --> 00:10:36,250
- Bug? Bag? Tag?
- My name's Dag.
152
00:10:36,333 --> 00:10:38,001
- Doug. Yes, right.
- Dag.
153
00:10:38,085 --> 00:10:41,588
Your mom was such a spark plug.
Peg Parker. What's she up to nowadays?
154
00:10:41,672 --> 00:10:43,757
Oh, she's good. She's
just around the house.
155
00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:45,425
Oh, how long has she been unemployed?
156
00:10:45,509 --> 00:10:47,886
Um, since she left the factory.
157
00:10:48,011 --> 00:10:50,889
And why did she leave the factory again?
Wait, wait, I think I have the answer.
158
00:10:51,014 --> 00:10:53,308
- Because I fired her.
- Yeah. You fired her.
159
00:10:53,392 --> 00:10:54,810
She shouldn't have tried
to unionize my zombies.
160
00:10:54,893 --> 00:10:56,270
- Yeah, can I get a uniform?
- That's the whole idea.
161
00:10:56,353 --> 00:10:58,353
- Can I get a fucking uniform?
- Parker!
162
00:10:59,231 --> 00:11:01,191
That was uncalled for.
163
00:11:01,692 --> 00:11:03,212
Come here, son. I want to talk to you.
164
00:11:05,904 --> 00:11:08,115
Come here. Listen.
165
00:11:09,408 --> 00:11:10,742
I understand.
166
00:11:10,826 --> 00:11:13,626
You know, I remember what it was like
to be in high school. It's tough.
167
00:11:14,121 --> 00:11:18,792
Especially for a big, tall,
freaky motherfucker like you.
168
00:11:19,543 --> 00:11:21,253
- I'm fine with it.
- Okay, okay.
169
00:11:21,378 --> 00:11:22,879
- I like my body.
- All right.
170
00:11:22,963 --> 00:11:24,483
Let me help you out. A word of advice.
171
00:11:24,548 --> 00:11:27,301
Stop concentrating on the negative.
All right?
172
00:11:27,384 --> 00:11:31,221
Look at the bright side.
You get to spend more time with your mom.
173
00:11:32,556 --> 00:11:38,438
And I have a new secretary
who I have sex with.
174
00:11:40,315 --> 00:11:42,066
With my penis.
175
00:11:43,568 --> 00:11:45,403
Lots of people have sex with their penises.
176
00:11:48,156 --> 00:11:50,575
Seeing as how I paid for this field,
177
00:11:50,658 --> 00:11:53,411
Coach Pulcifer asked me to come down
here today and say a few words,
178
00:11:53,494 --> 00:11:55,413
so here I am.
179
00:11:57,582 --> 00:12:01,085
I want you to look into the eyes of the boy
sitting next to you. Go ahead, do it.
180
00:12:01,794 --> 00:12:03,755
And repeat after me.
181
00:12:03,838 --> 00:12:06,299
"You are not my teammate."
182
00:12:06,424 --> 00:12:07,967
You are not my teammate.
183
00:12:08,092 --> 00:12:10,511
"You are not my friend."
184
00:12:10,595 --> 00:12:12,263
You are not my friend!
185
00:12:12,347 --> 00:12:15,350
"You are my enemy"
186
00:12:15,433 --> 00:12:17,810
"and must be destroyed."
187
00:12:18,019 --> 00:12:20,355
You are my enemy and must be destroyed!
188
00:12:20,438 --> 00:12:21,522
Chill, dude.
189
00:12:21,606 --> 00:12:25,443
Winners and losers, boys.
That's what makes America great.
190
00:12:26,152 --> 00:12:29,782
Look at me. When I first came to Dillford,
the meat plant was underperforming
191
00:12:29,865 --> 00:12:34,119
and I drove an '04 Ford Taurus.
192
00:12:36,121 --> 00:12:40,709
But now the riblet is the crown jewel
of the Malphasta Corporation
193
00:12:40,876 --> 00:12:45,339
- and I drive a red Porsche Boxster.
- Whoo!
194
00:12:45,631 --> 00:12:49,968
How? I fired the dead weight
and brought in cheap zombie labor.
195
00:12:50,052 --> 00:12:53,138
Why? Because I came here to win.
196
00:12:53,639 --> 00:12:55,265
Out of the 25 boys seated here today
197
00:12:55,349 --> 00:12:59,645
23 of you will go on to lead
completely inconsequential lives.
198
00:12:59,812 --> 00:13:01,773
For the other two boys,
it'll be a different journey.
199
00:13:01,856 --> 00:13:04,859
One of them will just drop dead
for no reason. Poof. Nobody knows why.
200
00:13:04,984 --> 00:13:07,987
Heart attack, aneurysm,
stabbed in the heart in a mall parking lot.
201
00:13:08,071 --> 00:13:09,322
Bang, gone.
202
00:13:09,489 --> 00:13:12,492
But the other boy,
whoever that chosen boy is,
203
00:13:12,659 --> 00:13:16,538
he will be a shining fucking star like me.
204
00:13:16,996 --> 00:13:19,207
- This guy.
- He's so amazing.
205
00:13:20,834 --> 00:13:22,994
- Strike three!
- Let's go, let's put one in play.
206
00:13:23,211 --> 00:13:24,931
Wow. Parker's got a rocket for an arm, huh?
207
00:13:25,046 --> 00:13:28,508
Yeah. The best I've ever seen.
Too bad he's shit under pressure.
208
00:13:28,591 --> 00:13:30,009
All right, let's go!
209
00:13:30,677 --> 00:13:32,477
- It's on.
- Come on, put one in there.
210
00:13:37,684 --> 00:13:40,937
Come on, man.
Damn it. Dick.
211
00:13:42,689 --> 00:13:45,859
Pay attention, Lor.
I'm about to teach this bitch a lesson.
212
00:13:46,192 --> 00:13:48,611
Teach him gently, baby.
That boy's my neighbor.
213
00:13:51,197 --> 00:13:54,242
Okay, nice boy, bring the cheese home.
214
00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:57,704
It better be Swiss because I'm holy, baby.
I'm holy, baby.
215
00:13:58,204 --> 00:13:59,924
Looking good, Dag.
Looking good, man.
216
00:14:00,623 --> 00:14:01,916
Find the zone, Dag!
217
00:14:04,210 --> 00:14:05,420
I'm going to rape you.
218
00:14:22,145 --> 00:14:23,271
Oh, Jesus.
219
00:14:23,438 --> 00:14:25,231
Oh, my God. Say something.
220
00:14:25,315 --> 00:14:26,734
Dag, what did you do?
221
00:14:27,067 --> 00:14:30,070
Are you okay? Oh, gosh.
Okay, we need to get him ice.
222
00:14:30,237 --> 00:14:31,405
Dag!
223
00:14:32,072 --> 00:14:35,576
Oh, my God! Okay, okay!
Okay, okay! Okay, okay!
224
00:14:35,659 --> 00:14:38,179
- It's going to be okay.
- Rick, I'm still number one!
225
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,749
Yeah! All right.
226
00:14:43,751 --> 00:14:46,253
- I went out and got wrecked.
- It's in the car.
227
00:14:55,596 --> 00:14:57,848
- Wait, should we go back to the party?
- No.
228
00:14:59,266 --> 00:15:00,392
I'm great right here.
229
00:15:00,476 --> 00:15:01,769
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
230
00:15:04,981 --> 00:15:06,149
Wait.
231
00:15:07,192 --> 00:15:09,027
Is it going to hurt?
232
00:15:09,444 --> 00:15:11,196
A little, at first.
233
00:15:12,447 --> 00:15:14,157
But then ecstasy.
234
00:15:14,658 --> 00:15:15,825
Yeah?
235
00:15:23,667 --> 00:15:26,336
- What are you doing?
- What do you mean, what am I doing?
236
00:15:28,338 --> 00:15:30,138
You said you wanted to go all the way
with me.
237
00:15:31,550 --> 00:15:33,385
I thought you meant sex, not that.
238
00:15:38,139 --> 00:15:39,516
Are you kidding me?
239
00:15:41,017 --> 00:15:42,352
I thought you were cool, Petra.
240
00:15:48,316 --> 00:15:50,570
But why don't you want to be with me
my way?
241
00:15:52,196 --> 00:15:53,990
I already went down that road with Lorelei.
242
00:15:55,825 --> 00:15:57,410
You slept with Lorelei?
243
00:15:57,493 --> 00:16:01,163
Don't you get it?
Lorelei had me for 17 minutes.
244
00:16:02,832 --> 00:16:04,375
I'm offering you forever.
245
00:16:05,668 --> 00:16:07,670
Do you really mean that?
246
00:16:07,753 --> 00:16:11,382
Do you have any idea
how long I've waited for a girl like you?
247
00:16:16,429 --> 00:16:17,763
Centuries.
248
00:16:35,865 --> 00:16:37,158
Honey, you're staring again.
249
00:16:37,241 --> 00:16:39,452
The doctor said it would be off
in a year or two, tops.
250
00:16:39,535 --> 00:16:43,122
Two years?
If you were a dog, I would put you down.
251
00:16:44,790 --> 00:16:47,710
Out of love and kindness. A mercy kill.
252
00:16:48,127 --> 00:16:51,255
Do you not get it? You've got nothing
to live for. This is what you had.
253
00:16:51,881 --> 00:16:53,633
- His life is over.
- Okay.
254
00:16:53,883 --> 00:16:56,636
He's not a creature of the mind.
He's physical.
255
00:16:57,219 --> 00:16:59,930
We're done. We're done, God, you hear me?
256
00:17:00,556 --> 00:17:01,807
We're done.
257
00:17:03,142 --> 00:17:06,062
I know you're probably thinking
about killing yourself. I don't blame you.
258
00:17:06,103 --> 00:17:09,303
But don't do it because you might get
better. If you don't get better, go for it.
259
00:17:10,066 --> 00:17:11,609
May I be excused, Mom?
260
00:17:11,776 --> 00:17:13,569
Uh, honey, I know that you're upset
about Chaz Jr.
261
00:17:13,653 --> 00:17:17,324
But it's important that we stay together
as a family right now.
262
00:17:18,075 --> 00:17:19,576
I didn't say I was upset about Chaz.
263
00:17:20,327 --> 00:17:22,329
Mr. Keller gave me an F on my paper today.
264
00:17:22,913 --> 00:17:27,209
Whoa. Nerd Boy's getting F's
and hanging out with zombies.
265
00:17:27,292 --> 00:17:28,418
Zombies?
266
00:17:28,502 --> 00:17:31,380
I wasn't hanging with zombies.
She was just helping me with my gazpacho.
267
00:17:31,463 --> 00:17:33,590
Why can't you just eat a riblet
like everyone else?
268
00:17:33,757 --> 00:17:37,929
For the millionth time, I'm allergic. Besides,
do you have any idea what's in a riblet?
269
00:17:38,096 --> 00:17:42,433
- Tiny ribs.
- Hormones, stimulants, tetrafluoraxipan.
270
00:17:42,517 --> 00:17:45,520
It's a chemical compound
otherwise known as TXP.
271
00:17:45,687 --> 00:17:49,857
Okay, Mr. Wizard, enlighten us.
What's so bad about TXP?
272
00:17:49,941 --> 00:17:51,943
- Leading cause of liver failure.
- Who cares?
273
00:17:52,026 --> 00:17:53,778
- Prenatal scoliosis.
- So what?
274
00:17:53,861 --> 00:17:56,197
- Diabetes.
- Doesn't matter.
275
00:17:56,280 --> 00:17:58,116
Pain in the ankles.
276
00:17:58,199 --> 00:18:00,118
Yeah, that would be hard
for sports and whatnot, yeah.
277
00:18:00,201 --> 00:18:01,953
- Also, puff tongue!
- Puff tongue?
278
00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:03,371
- Yeah, puff tongue.
- Puff tongue?
279
00:18:03,454 --> 00:18:04,580
- Puff tongue.
- Pfft.
280
00:18:04,664 --> 00:18:06,582
Oh, oh, oh. How terrible.
281
00:18:06,666 --> 00:18:09,877
Just think of all those little kids
with puffy tongues. What?
282
00:18:11,963 --> 00:18:15,800
If this TXP stuff was really so unhealthy
283
00:18:15,883 --> 00:18:18,428
they wouldn't put it in the riblets,
now would they?
284
00:18:18,511 --> 00:18:20,972
It's what Saturn is made of.
Do you know Saturn?
285
00:18:21,139 --> 00:18:23,141
I know Saturn, a classy economy car.
286
00:18:24,142 --> 00:18:27,395
I'm so sorry about the F, honey.
You'll get them next time.
287
00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:30,356
There's no next time. Do you know
what an F does to my transcript?
288
00:18:30,481 --> 00:18:31,524
No.
289
00:18:31,649 --> 00:18:34,652
- I can kiss my scholarship goodbye.
- You can kiss college goodbye.
290
00:18:34,986 --> 00:18:36,112
What?
291
00:18:36,195 --> 00:18:38,956
I'm sorry, but let's cut the shit, people.
We're in deep trouble here.
292
00:18:38,991 --> 00:18:40,911
Do you have any idea
how much this crapola costs?
293
00:18:41,243 --> 00:18:44,538
- Doesn't insurance cover that?
- Insurance is for suckers, Ned.
294
00:18:44,663 --> 00:18:47,903
From now on, when you're not in school,
I'm going to need you down at the car lot.
295
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:50,169
Dad, dickbag gets to sell Hyundais
and I don't?
296
00:18:50,252 --> 00:18:53,046
Oh, I think that's a fantastic idea.
297
00:18:53,172 --> 00:18:55,591
- I'm going to my room.
- This one.
298
00:18:58,510 --> 00:19:01,350
Why do you think he left the room?
It's because he doesn't want to talk.
299
00:19:02,514 --> 00:19:03,849
Do you got a minute?
300
00:19:08,896 --> 00:19:13,692
Ned, listen, I know that at times it seems
like it's awkward between you and I.
301
00:19:14,568 --> 00:19:17,696
I'm excited that the two of us are going
to get to spend more time together.
302
00:19:18,530 --> 00:19:20,282
- You don't mean that.
- Yes, he does.
303
00:19:20,532 --> 00:19:22,451
Yeah. I do. I really do.
304
00:19:22,534 --> 00:19:24,870
I mean, if you want,
you can start coming to competitions.
305
00:19:24,953 --> 00:19:27,331
There's Mathletes on Saturday
and then there's Odyssey of the Mind.
306
00:19:27,414 --> 00:19:29,833
And there's father-son NASA,
which I think that you would really like.
307
00:19:29,917 --> 00:19:33,420
No, no, no. You're overthinking this.
You overthink everything.
308
00:19:33,545 --> 00:19:35,464
Maybe just the father-son NASA.
You don't have to...
309
00:19:35,589 --> 00:19:38,801
Look, right now I need you down at the lot.
310
00:19:38,884 --> 00:19:40,719
With the extra hours, if we're lucky
311
00:19:40,803 --> 00:19:43,388
maybe Jr.'s dream of making the pros
still has a chance.
312
00:19:43,889 --> 00:19:45,224
What about my dreams?
313
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:49,812
What dreams?
314
00:19:50,604 --> 00:19:53,106
Uh, well, for starters,
I want to be an engineer someday.
315
00:19:53,232 --> 00:19:56,985
Son, how many times do we have to
go over this? No one rides trains anymore!
316
00:19:57,069 --> 00:19:58,904
You gotta stop living in the clouds
and get real.
317
00:19:58,987 --> 00:20:02,783
If it's not the lot, you can work at the riblet
plant, be a meat bleacher like your mom.
318
00:20:02,908 --> 00:20:06,079
I did 10 years on the ammonia hose
and I regret nothing.
319
00:20:06,162 --> 00:20:10,751
I don't want to work the ammonia hose
or be a stupid freaking Hyundai salesman.
320
00:20:11,418 --> 00:20:14,046
Whoa! Slow your roll, tiger.
Leave the Hyundai Corporation out of this.
321
00:20:14,129 --> 00:20:17,466
Stop telling me to slow my roll!
Chaz Jr. doesn't have to slow his roll!
322
00:20:17,591 --> 00:20:19,760
How come I'm the only one around here
who has to slow his roll?
323
00:20:19,844 --> 00:20:22,805
Listen, I understand we're all upset
about Chaz Jr.
324
00:20:22,930 --> 00:20:24,640
- Fuck Chaz Jr.
- Fuck Chaz Jr.?
325
00:20:24,765 --> 00:20:27,643
- Yeah. Fuck Chaz Jr.
- Nobody fucks Chaz Jr.!
326
00:20:28,519 --> 00:20:29,979
Ned, don't go! Chaz!
327
00:20:30,104 --> 00:20:33,649
Don't point your finger at us!
Point it at your old friend, Dag!
328
00:20:33,774 --> 00:20:37,444
He's the one who threw that pitch!
He's the one who ruined our lives!
329
00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:49,456
Hmm. Mmm.
330
00:20:49,540 --> 00:20:51,876
I just love your waterbed.
331
00:20:52,626 --> 00:20:54,128
It's the best.
332
00:20:55,796 --> 00:20:58,549
- You know, I'm surprised you're still around.
- What do you mean?
333
00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:01,844
I mean that stunt you pulled today
on the baseball field.
334
00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:06,974
We were all set to win State
and Chaz Jr. was going to get scouted.
335
00:21:07,808 --> 00:21:08,893
Yeah.
336
00:21:08,976 --> 00:21:10,978
What were you thinking?
337
00:21:11,812 --> 00:21:13,981
I don't know. I guess...
338
00:21:14,064 --> 00:21:16,358
I sort of... I wanted to...
339
00:21:18,485 --> 00:21:19,820
Like, impress you.
340
00:21:20,654 --> 00:21:22,406
- Really?
- Yeah.
341
00:21:23,657 --> 00:21:24,825
That's so sweet.
342
00:21:27,411 --> 00:21:30,498
- Why would you want to impress me?
- What?
343
00:21:31,875 --> 00:21:36,838
I said, why would you want to impress me?
344
00:21:40,175 --> 00:21:41,551
Lorelei,
345
00:21:42,928 --> 00:21:44,721
I think I might be in love with you.
346
00:21:49,392 --> 00:21:53,355
Dag, you are the weirdest,
funniest boy I know.
347
00:21:54,105 --> 00:21:55,857
I don't know what I would do without you.
348
00:22:02,197 --> 00:22:04,908
Sweetheart, you know I'm saving myself.
349
00:22:05,951 --> 00:22:07,619
Be right there.
350
00:22:08,203 --> 00:22:09,746
Are you leaving?
351
00:22:09,871 --> 00:22:12,540
Yeah, all this talking about sex
is making me really hungry. So...
352
00:22:12,916 --> 00:22:15,001
- Yeah. Me, too.
- I'm going to go to Burger King.
353
00:22:15,085 --> 00:22:16,211
Yeah, a Whopper sounds good.
354
00:22:16,294 --> 00:22:17,504
- Right?
- Yeah, let's do it.
355
00:22:17,587 --> 00:22:18,964
- I'll smell you later.
- Okay.
356
00:22:20,465 --> 00:22:21,633
Yeah?
357
00:22:23,635 --> 00:22:24,719
Ah...
358
00:22:27,389 --> 00:22:28,390
Uh...
359
00:22:28,473 --> 00:22:29,599
Oh.
360
00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:42,321
Dag, your mother and I
don't want to encourage pot smoking.
361
00:22:42,446 --> 00:22:46,450
But we want you to know that
362
00:22:46,575 --> 00:22:49,245
we completely understand it.
363
00:22:50,121 --> 00:22:51,872
- It's actually not my weed.
- Very good.
364
00:22:51,956 --> 00:22:53,917
- Okay. Well, Dag...
- We get it.
365
00:22:54,501 --> 00:22:58,547
That's what we're saying.
It's Lorelei's and if it wasn't
366
00:22:58,630 --> 00:23:00,590
well, whatever, whatever, whatever.
367
00:23:00,674 --> 00:23:03,135
Okay, thank you for being so understanding,
368
00:23:03,260 --> 00:23:06,179
but in this case
you're not understanding correctly.
369
00:23:06,346 --> 00:23:10,684
Okay. Your mother and I understand
what you're saying.
370
00:23:10,767 --> 00:23:14,104
It's hard to express how much we understand
371
00:23:14,271 --> 00:23:15,981
on a daily basis.
372
00:23:16,189 --> 00:23:21,445
Really. Like, even 15 minutes ago,
we totally understood.
373
00:23:21,528 --> 00:23:22,654
- We got it.
- Really?
374
00:23:22,779 --> 00:23:24,698
I didn't know that you
understood that much.
375
00:23:24,781 --> 00:23:26,616
- Twice a day, at least.
- Well, whenever.
376
00:23:26,783 --> 00:23:29,453
We're on an understanding plane.
377
00:23:29,536 --> 00:23:31,621
- Look at that. Look at that.
- It's like an ice skating rink.
378
00:23:31,705 --> 00:23:34,624
- Look at this. I'm getting trails.
- Wow.
379
00:23:35,167 --> 00:23:38,712
Mom, is there anything else
you wanted to talk about?
380
00:23:38,795 --> 00:23:40,005
- No.
- No.
381
00:23:40,213 --> 00:23:41,256
Oh.
382
00:23:41,339 --> 00:23:44,384
We wanted to talk to you
about some of the changes
383
00:23:44,509 --> 00:23:47,179
that happen to your body as you get older.
384
00:23:47,304 --> 00:23:50,640
- Don't do that talk.
- The thing is, the men of the Parker clan...
385
00:23:50,724 --> 00:23:54,061
Um, well, we change relatively slowly.
386
00:23:54,227 --> 00:23:58,482
But, now don't be frightened,
when the change comes, it is...
387
00:23:59,483 --> 00:24:00,984
- Enormous.
- Enormous.
388
00:24:01,068 --> 00:24:02,444
No, no, no.
389
00:24:02,527 --> 00:24:05,280
A lot of girls will be frightened.
390
00:24:05,363 --> 00:24:08,992
In fact, it took me a while
to get used to it, but it's big.
391
00:24:09,076 --> 00:24:11,411
- It's a big change.
- Wow. And it's...
392
00:24:11,828 --> 00:24:13,538
Whoomp, there it is.
393
00:24:13,663 --> 00:24:15,832
No, no. I can't talk right now with you.
394
00:24:15,916 --> 00:24:19,253
I'm sorry. You know, everything's in order.
So...
395
00:24:19,378 --> 00:24:20,880
- That's fine.
- We just wanted to talk about it.
396
00:24:21,005 --> 00:24:24,050
- Later, alligator.
- Okay. Bye, Dad.
397
00:24:24,175 --> 00:24:26,302
We'll just leave you to
your marijuana, okay?
398
00:24:26,385 --> 00:24:28,513
I'm about to get so high.
399
00:24:29,514 --> 00:24:31,307
Oh, my little frowny clowny.
400
00:24:35,603 --> 00:24:36,687
Beep!
401
00:24:36,771 --> 00:24:37,814
I love you.
402
00:24:37,897 --> 00:24:39,357
- You are...
- All right.
403
00:24:57,375 --> 00:25:00,086
Gazpacho boy.
404
00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:02,213
Oh, hey.
405
00:25:03,089 --> 00:25:04,465
You remember me.
406
00:25:04,632 --> 00:25:06,551
Sure. Lunch.
407
00:25:07,385 --> 00:25:10,054
Yeah. It was real cool of you
to help me out today. Thanks.
408
00:25:10,221 --> 00:25:11,264
Uh-huh.
409
00:25:11,389 --> 00:25:13,892
- Is that your family over there?
- Yeah.
410
00:25:14,309 --> 00:25:18,397
Dad, Mom, some guy called Steve.
411
00:25:19,898 --> 00:25:21,817
It seems like you guys all get along.
412
00:25:22,401 --> 00:25:25,821
They're good. They share brains.
413
00:25:30,576 --> 00:25:33,245
Now, what's it like being a zombie?
414
00:25:34,955 --> 00:25:36,165
Do you get sad?
415
00:25:36,248 --> 00:25:38,750
Basically, I eat brains.
416
00:25:39,626 --> 00:25:42,422
- And it tastes yummy.
- That must be nice.
417
00:25:42,505 --> 00:25:44,757
Think fast, you zombie fuck!
418
00:25:51,097 --> 00:25:52,807
So, that didn't even bother you?
419
00:25:52,932 --> 00:25:55,602
- What?
- That asshole just hit you with a slushee.
420
00:25:56,352 --> 00:25:58,229
- He did?
- Yeah, he did.
421
00:25:58,313 --> 00:25:59,355
Oh...
422
00:25:59,814 --> 00:26:01,274
Did he?
423
00:26:03,526 --> 00:26:05,320
You don't feel anything, do you?
424
00:26:09,282 --> 00:26:11,159
Okay, go ahead.
425
00:26:13,328 --> 00:26:14,787
Take a bite.
426
00:26:14,954 --> 00:26:18,166
What? Brains, not foot.
427
00:26:18,625 --> 00:26:20,543
Well, there's a brain in the foot.
428
00:26:20,627 --> 00:26:23,504
- Brain in foot?
- Yeah, I put them in there for you.
429
00:26:24,214 --> 00:26:25,798
Foot brain for me?
430
00:26:26,007 --> 00:26:29,135
Bite it before they...
I can feel them, they're going to leave.
431
00:26:29,385 --> 00:26:31,512
- Foot brain?
- Just bite the brain foot, okay?
432
00:26:31,638 --> 00:26:33,181
- Brain foot.
- Hurry!
433
00:26:57,455 --> 00:27:00,541
I know you're antiseptic.
434
00:27:00,625 --> 00:27:03,586
Your deodorant smells nice
435
00:27:05,046 --> 00:27:07,967
I'd like to get to know you.
436
00:27:08,050 --> 00:27:12,179
You're deep frozen like the ice.
437
00:27:14,515 --> 00:27:16,100
She's a germ free adolescent
438
00:27:18,185 --> 00:27:22,189
Cleanliness is her obsession.
439
00:27:22,273 --> 00:27:23,357
Ugh.
440
00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:24,942
Cleans her teeth ten times a day
441
00:27:27,278 --> 00:27:28,445
Scrub away scrub away scrub away.
442
00:27:28,529 --> 00:27:31,365
The S.R. way...
443
00:27:36,954 --> 00:27:38,914
You may get to touch her
444
00:27:40,082 --> 00:27:44,295
If your gloves are sterilized.
445
00:27:44,379 --> 00:27:46,673
Rinse your mouth with Listerine
446
00:27:47,882 --> 00:27:48,883
Blow disinfectant...
447
00:27:56,224 --> 00:27:59,936
- Petra, is that you?
- Hey, Kathy, how are you?
448
00:28:00,562 --> 00:28:02,802
I actually don't need that magazine.
That's fine, thanks.
449
00:28:02,897 --> 00:28:04,177
I think I'm going to just leave.
450
00:28:07,110 --> 00:28:08,236
Oh, sorry.
451
00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:11,489
Whoa. I never pegged you for a vamp, Petra.
452
00:28:11,573 --> 00:28:12,907
I'm not.
453
00:28:14,492 --> 00:28:17,329
Once I walked a lonely road
454
00:28:21,416 --> 00:28:23,752
I had no one to share my love.
455
00:28:25,712 --> 00:28:29,591
But then you came and showed the way.
456
00:28:31,761 --> 00:28:35,181
And now I hope you're here to stay
457
00:28:42,646 --> 00:28:45,149
Hey, it's Milan. Leave a message.
458
00:28:47,985 --> 00:28:52,406
You give me light You are my day.
459
00:28:52,490 --> 00:28:54,283
You give me life.
460
00:28:54,367 --> 00:28:55,659
Come on!
461
00:28:55,743 --> 00:28:57,328
And that's right.
462
00:28:57,828 --> 00:29:04,668
So right, so right, so right.
463
00:29:13,552 --> 00:29:15,137
What the...
464
00:29:45,167 --> 00:29:47,837
All right. Everybody,
if you give me a couple of seconds
465
00:29:47,920 --> 00:29:50,172
I will explain everything I know.
466
00:29:50,256 --> 00:29:53,717
- Who put you in charge?
- I'm sorry. Do you own a riblet plant?
467
00:29:54,678 --> 00:29:56,138
No. No.
468
00:29:56,221 --> 00:30:00,684
Is that your sexy Porsche Boxster
parked outside? No.
469
00:30:00,851 --> 00:30:02,686
Sit down and shut the fuck up.
470
00:30:05,856 --> 00:30:07,691
All we know so far
471
00:30:07,774 --> 00:30:11,069
is that the spacecraft arrived
around 8:00 p.m. on Thursday.
472
00:30:11,194 --> 00:30:12,237
What do they want?
473
00:30:12,362 --> 00:30:14,531
We don't know
because we haven't made contact yet.
474
00:30:14,614 --> 00:30:16,408
So why did they come?
475
00:30:16,533 --> 00:30:18,870
That's just a rephrasing of the question
you just asked.
476
00:30:19,203 --> 00:30:20,538
How...
477
00:30:22,206 --> 00:30:23,374
When...
478
00:30:24,125 --> 00:30:28,463
Okay, am I just high
or is everyone here suddenly retarded?
479
00:30:29,547 --> 00:30:30,923
Can't it be both?
480
00:30:32,592 --> 00:30:35,470
- I'm going to go smoke up in your car.
- Anybody else?
481
00:30:35,553 --> 00:30:36,721
- Really?
- Yeah.
482
00:30:36,804 --> 00:30:38,306
I have a goddamn question.
483
00:30:38,389 --> 00:30:42,560
If the vampires haven't made contact,
why aren't there any here?
484
00:30:42,935 --> 00:30:44,103
Yeah!
485
00:30:46,606 --> 00:30:50,985
But seriously, does anyone in this room
doubt the possibility
486
00:30:51,068 --> 00:30:54,405
that the humans brought the aliens here
to eliminate us?
487
00:30:54,489 --> 00:30:56,991
- No!
- Nobody doubts that, right?
488
00:30:57,074 --> 00:30:59,160
They've been wanting to get rid of us
for years.
489
00:30:59,243 --> 00:31:01,412
- Yeah!
- And now they found a way.
490
00:31:01,496 --> 00:31:05,082
How many of you out there
have had your wife or your girlfriend
491
00:31:05,166 --> 00:31:08,586
cheat on you with one of these
cold-blooded ecstasy machines?
492
00:31:08,669 --> 00:31:11,130
Raise your hand. Don't be ashamed.
Raise your hand.
493
00:31:11,589 --> 00:31:14,050
Okay, I see about 50 liars out there.
494
00:31:14,133 --> 00:31:17,428
They write books about us.
They make movies about us.
495
00:31:17,512 --> 00:31:21,183
They dress up like us at Halloween.
They're all wampires.
496
00:31:21,308 --> 00:31:24,019
- Just vampire wannabes.
- Yeah!
497
00:31:24,102 --> 00:31:25,729
They could do without this planet,
God damn it.
498
00:31:25,812 --> 00:31:28,857
They don't need to breathe the air
or drink the water.
499
00:31:28,941 --> 00:31:31,109
We're the ones
that need to defend this planet!
500
00:31:31,693 --> 00:31:34,530
I read that they
are putting garlic in our blood
501
00:31:34,613 --> 00:31:36,907
and you doubt
that they're working with the aliens?
502
00:31:36,990 --> 00:31:40,953
We're going to go and make
a preemptive strike right now!
503
00:31:41,995 --> 00:31:44,790
- Are you with me? Are you with me?
- Yeah!
504
00:31:44,998 --> 00:31:48,001
We need to preempt their preemptive strike
505
00:31:48,126 --> 00:31:50,128
with a preemptive preemptive strike.
506
00:31:52,839 --> 00:31:54,800
I thought this meeting
was supposed to be about the aliens.
507
00:31:55,133 --> 00:31:57,678
Aren't you listening, you idiot?
It's all about the aliens.
508
00:31:59,304 --> 00:32:01,723
Yeah! Yeah!
509
00:32:20,200 --> 00:32:22,202
Why isn't he saying anything?
510
00:32:24,246 --> 00:32:26,039
About what?
511
00:32:27,416 --> 00:32:29,167
About the aliens.
512
00:32:33,672 --> 00:32:36,675
Hey. Hey, excuse me.
513
00:32:38,677 --> 00:32:41,662
Did you call this meeting for a reason?
514
00:32:41,680 --> 00:32:45,868
Brain rations no come today.
515
00:32:50,257 --> 00:32:57,079
Do you think that maybe
it had something to do with the aliens?
516
00:32:57,097 --> 00:32:58,749
Aliens?
517
00:32:58,782 --> 00:33:03,037
Guys, brain rations didn't come
518
00:33:03,120 --> 00:33:06,172
because nobody gives a shit about you.
519
00:33:07,107 --> 00:33:08,626
Yeah. Yeah.
520
00:33:08,709 --> 00:33:11,361
Aren't you tired of being dismissed?
521
00:33:11,420 --> 00:33:17,366
Just dismissed. Aren't you tired
of being treated like nothing?
522
00:33:17,760 --> 00:33:21,630
Yeah? Well, why don't we
do something about it, huh?
523
00:33:21,722 --> 00:33:23,773
Yeah!
524
00:33:29,396 --> 00:33:31,898
Unbelievable.
525
00:33:31,899 --> 00:33:34,851
No wonder you guys are locked up.
526
00:33:52,628 --> 00:33:55,655
Bloodsucking traitors!
527
00:33:59,259 --> 00:34:02,179
Tonight's the night,
let's drive downtown.
528
00:34:02,262 --> 00:34:05,765
The kids are out
can't you hear the sound
529
00:34:05,800 --> 00:34:08,061
They wanna rock all night and day.
530
00:34:08,144 --> 00:34:11,197
But the price is steep,
can they afford to pay.
531
00:34:11,272 --> 00:34:14,017
The devil's game is a danger zone.
532
00:34:14,109 --> 00:34:18,821
God, I fucking hate you!
You're the worst teacher!
533
00:34:18,822 --> 00:34:23,409
I wanna Rock and Roll
I got an Evil Soul.
534
00:34:23,492 --> 00:34:25,593
Fuck yes!
535
00:34:25,662 --> 00:34:28,497
What are you doing?
536
00:34:34,045 --> 00:34:36,606
- What's cracking?
- Only the end of the freaking world.
537
00:34:36,673 --> 00:34:38,107
That's cool.
538
00:34:38,133 --> 00:34:40,969
I'm not kidding.
The entire town is murdering each other.
539
00:34:41,052 --> 00:34:44,222
Oh, in that case,
I guess there's just one thing to do.
540
00:34:44,305 --> 00:34:46,273
God...
541
00:34:46,975 --> 00:34:48,776
Damn, that's a close shave.
542
00:34:48,810 --> 00:34:51,829
I mean, I wouldn't want
you to die a virgin.
543
00:34:51,855 --> 00:34:54,348
Sex.
544
00:34:54,382 --> 00:34:57,535
We'll go to my house
to have sex. Let's go.
545
00:35:00,363 --> 00:35:02,923
Milan, hey.
546
00:35:02,932 --> 00:35:05,568
- Just give us a second, babe.
- Okay. We'll be by the car.
547
00:35:05,577 --> 00:35:06,786
What? Hey!
548
00:35:06,870 --> 00:35:09,973
I think there's something wrong with
your phone. I've been trying you all night.
549
00:35:09,998 --> 00:35:11,958
- Yeah, Petra, look...
- How messed up is this alien thing?
550
00:35:12,041 --> 00:35:14,602
I'm like, freaking out.
551
00:35:14,669 --> 00:35:17,871
The truth is, Petra,
I'm just not that into you.
552
00:35:17,922 --> 00:35:19,915
You're just not that into me?
553
00:35:19,924 --> 00:35:24,480
My soul is undead for all of eternity
and you're not that fucking into me?
554
00:35:24,530 --> 00:35:27,766
Chill. Or I'll rip your face off.
555
00:35:30,853 --> 00:35:33,923
Just tell me why.
556
00:35:35,525 --> 00:35:38,494
Why did you sleep with Lorelei
but bite me?
557
00:35:38,528 --> 00:35:43,382
Lorelei's a nasty freak
with the body of a porn star.
558
00:35:43,450 --> 00:35:45,510
I'm having sex with that.
559
00:35:45,535 --> 00:35:49,071
But you said I was beautiful. Right?
560
00:35:49,080 --> 00:35:52,849
When I see veins like that,
I say a lot of things.
561
00:35:52,876 --> 00:35:55,519
It's that pale skin, P.
562
00:35:55,545 --> 00:35:58,130
You're like a walking pop machine.
563
00:36:02,469 --> 00:36:04,387
Come on.
564
00:36:11,645 --> 00:36:15,172
See, baby?
Being a vampire ain't all bad.
565
00:36:16,775 --> 00:36:19,418
You're such a dick.
566
00:36:22,781 --> 00:36:24,999
For fuck's sake!
567
00:36:28,411 --> 00:36:30,330
Oh! No way!
568
00:36:32,916 --> 00:36:36,961
So, are we going to do this?
Or what?
569
00:36:37,003 --> 00:36:38,971
What?
570
00:36:39,322 --> 00:36:41,957
Oh, dear God.
571
00:36:42,926 --> 00:36:45,202
Okay. Okay.
572
00:36:45,262 --> 00:36:48,030
Yeah. We've got to be quick.
573
00:36:48,098 --> 00:36:50,438
That's probably not going to be an issue.
574
00:37:00,444 --> 00:37:02,912
Lorelei, don't go!
575
00:37:06,784 --> 00:37:11,455
- Lorelei, come on! Come on.
- Jeez, man, where's the fire?
576
00:37:12,790 --> 00:37:14,758
Holy shit!
577
00:37:15,710 --> 00:37:17,644
No! Lorelei!
578
00:37:26,512 --> 00:37:28,332
Bring it, bloodsuckers!
579
00:37:28,347 --> 00:37:30,124
Fuck you!
580
00:37:30,141 --> 00:37:32,317
Fuck you, too!
581
00:37:45,823 --> 00:37:49,635
Holy fuck, Mr. Mosely.
That was awesome.
582
00:37:49,660 --> 00:37:52,963
Awesome? Hell, I've been training for this
since you were in Huggies.
583
00:37:53,039 --> 00:37:57,001
Bowflex, Soloflex, coed Capoeira.
584
00:37:57,002 --> 00:37:58,437
It's all paying off.
585
00:37:58,503 --> 00:38:00,972
Now, come with me if you want to live.
586
00:38:01,039 --> 00:38:04,159
Oh, God!
587
00:38:05,077 --> 00:38:07,095
No! Please! Oh, God!
588
00:38:07,179 --> 00:38:08,864
- The zombies are eating me!
- Stop!
589
00:38:08,889 --> 00:38:11,583
- The zombies are eating me!
- No, stop eating him!
590
00:38:11,683 --> 00:38:14,619
I'm a zombie all-you-can-eat buffet.
591
00:38:14,686 --> 00:38:15,771
Oh, God!
592
00:38:15,854 --> 00:38:18,923
- God, I'm going to be sick.
- Why won't I pass out?
593
00:38:18,941 --> 00:38:22,611
God, please let me die.
594
00:38:22,612 --> 00:38:27,233
He just put some intestines back
and took different intestines!
595
00:38:27,241 --> 00:38:29,160
What the fuck does it matter?
596
00:38:29,243 --> 00:38:32,237
- Why are we still watching?
- I don't know.
597
00:38:33,147 --> 00:38:35,183
They ripped off my arm!
598
00:38:35,208 --> 00:38:37,477
That was my bowling arm.
599
00:38:37,543 --> 00:38:40,088
They're eating my bowling arm.
600
00:38:41,214 --> 00:38:42,590
I'm dying.
601
00:38:44,092 --> 00:38:45,593
This is it.
602
00:38:45,718 --> 00:38:47,804
Humans over there!
Let's get them!
603
00:38:48,388 --> 00:38:49,555
Run.
604
00:38:50,139 --> 00:38:51,724
What the fuck?
605
00:38:52,100 --> 00:38:54,060
I came back to fucking life!
606
00:38:56,104 --> 00:38:58,731
"porn star, but you're really
all pale and veiny."
607
00:38:59,399 --> 00:39:01,109
Fucking pale and veiny.
608
00:39:02,443 --> 00:39:04,529
You fucking prick. You
stupid slut, Lorelei.
609
00:39:06,447 --> 00:39:07,949
Motherfucker.
610
00:39:25,258 --> 00:39:26,801
Holy shit!
611
00:39:36,602 --> 00:39:38,521
Shh!
612
00:39:39,605 --> 00:39:41,774
- Good boy. That's a good boy.
- Shut the fuck up. That's a good boy.
613
00:39:41,858 --> 00:39:43,151
Quiet.
614
00:39:48,657 --> 00:39:49,950
Brains.
615
00:39:54,955 --> 00:39:56,874
Brains!
616
00:39:58,459 --> 00:39:59,752
No! No!
617
00:40:28,990 --> 00:40:31,493
Dag, help me!
618
00:40:45,840 --> 00:40:47,008
No!
619
00:41:05,235 --> 00:41:06,903
No!
620
00:41:52,074 --> 00:41:54,076
Brains!
621
00:41:56,078 --> 00:41:57,913
- Bring it, fuckers.
- Really?
622
00:41:58,164 --> 00:42:00,457
"Bring it, fuckers."
That's the line you're going with?
623
00:42:01,167 --> 00:42:02,501
Shut up!
624
00:42:29,653 --> 00:42:30,863
Holy...
625
00:42:30,946 --> 00:42:32,448
fucking...
626
00:42:33,532 --> 00:42:34,993
brains.
627
00:42:39,706 --> 00:42:41,291
I'm getting the hell out of here.
628
00:42:45,295 --> 00:42:46,796
Mrs. Miller! Are you in there?
629
00:42:46,880 --> 00:42:49,280
- How did you know this was here?
- This is my piano teacher.
630
00:42:50,634 --> 00:42:53,637
Mrs. Miller, please open up! They're coming!
631
00:42:53,720 --> 00:42:55,889
Hey, this is Stuart Miller, her son!
632
00:42:55,972 --> 00:42:59,477
And I know they're coming! I've been
predicting a vampire attack for 10 years!
633
00:42:59,644 --> 00:43:02,730
Stuart, hey, it's Dag.
It's not the vampires.
634
00:43:02,813 --> 00:43:06,025
It is the aliens.
Open up the goddamn door, Stuart.
635
00:43:06,234 --> 00:43:07,693
It's aliens?
636
00:43:08,527 --> 00:43:12,198
Okay, listen. Has anyone tried
singing to them or playing a song
637
00:43:12,365 --> 00:43:13,991
and then maybe they play a song back?
638
00:43:14,075 --> 00:43:16,535
They don't seem open
to any kind of music or anything like that.
639
00:43:16,661 --> 00:43:20,373
Has anyone stayed around long enough
to see a bowel movement?
640
00:43:20,498 --> 00:43:24,669
Maybe we get processed through their body
and then they crap us out as higher beings.
641
00:43:24,752 --> 00:43:28,839
It would be disgusting to us, but for them,
that could just be a cultural norm.
642
00:43:28,923 --> 00:43:31,008
Open up the goddamn door, Stuart!
643
00:43:31,342 --> 00:43:33,803
Wait a minute. How do I
know that you're Dag
644
00:43:33,886 --> 00:43:36,847
and not an alien wearing Dag's skin
as some kind of meat suit?
645
00:43:37,682 --> 00:43:42,103
Um, my mom's name is Peg. I have dark hair.
I really like, uh, miso soup.
646
00:43:42,228 --> 00:43:44,868
"Meep, map, morp, I'm an alien."
That's what I'm hearing right now.
647
00:43:44,897 --> 00:43:46,899
- I'm speaking English.
- Listen, hey! Pop quiz.
648
00:43:47,024 --> 00:43:48,401
What was the memorable thing
that happened
649
00:43:48,526 --> 00:43:51,696
during your sixth grade piano recital
when you were halfway through
650
00:43:51,779 --> 00:43:53,698
Erik Satie's Gymnopédies No. 3?
651
00:43:53,781 --> 00:43:56,951
All right, I shit my pants! And you said
you had never seen a boy shit so much!
652
00:43:58,703 --> 00:44:00,205
The Dillford Shitter. It's him.
653
00:44:00,372 --> 00:44:01,623
Oh.
654
00:44:02,207 --> 00:44:05,168
- Come on, come on. Let's go.
- Thank you for believing me.
655
00:44:05,252 --> 00:44:06,628
- Come here. Come on, come on.
- It's great to see you.
656
00:44:06,712 --> 00:44:07,754
Okay. Dude.
657
00:44:07,838 --> 00:44:08,838
Oh, oh! Whoa, whoa!
658
00:44:08,880 --> 00:44:11,049
- No, no! It's good. It's all good.
- I'm Petra.
659
00:44:11,133 --> 00:44:15,220
Nah-uh. No. If I'm going to have a succubus
and a shambler in my command bunker
660
00:44:15,304 --> 00:44:18,223
we're going to set a couple
of ground rules, okay? I'm alpha dog.
661
00:44:18,724 --> 00:44:23,228
Nana is alpha female. You're number three,
then the girl, then the retard.
662
00:44:23,312 --> 00:44:24,396
Great. Good order.
663
00:44:24,479 --> 00:44:27,316
Okay. I feel very
uncomfortable saying this,
664
00:44:27,399 --> 00:44:29,318
but, um...
665
00:44:29,401 --> 00:44:31,486
we may have to breed.
666
00:44:31,987 --> 00:44:33,071
Oh.
667
00:44:34,573 --> 00:44:35,615
Is he looking at me?
668
00:44:35,741 --> 00:44:37,581
- Son, did you lock the trapdoor?
- On it, sir.
669
00:44:37,659 --> 00:44:39,494
Let's go! Assholes and elbows!
670
00:44:41,079 --> 00:44:43,159
Code Blue, Nana. Code Blue, Nana.
671
00:44:49,463 --> 00:44:53,842
Hey, Mrs. Miller, after all this is done,
I'd love to start taking lessons again.
672
00:44:54,009 --> 00:44:56,511
- What the shit? What? No, no, no.
- Oh. Oh.
673
00:44:57,846 --> 00:45:00,515
- Sorry.
- "Sorry"? You ate the Millers.
674
00:45:00,807 --> 00:45:03,769
Yeah, I know. They were just standing
there. We were like, "Should we?"
675
00:45:05,270 --> 00:45:06,855
Dag, don't be ridiculous.
676
00:45:06,938 --> 00:45:09,316
I'm not being ridiculous.
You're being ridiculous.
677
00:45:09,441 --> 00:45:10,776
You killed my piano teacher.
678
00:45:12,652 --> 00:45:15,280
That was then.
This is two minutes from then.
679
00:45:15,364 --> 00:45:17,199
You killed Lorelei, too.
680
00:45:17,282 --> 00:45:19,743
Well, guess what? We're all you've got now.
681
00:45:19,826 --> 00:45:23,246
It's just you and me and him.
If one of us dies, we all die.
682
00:45:23,331 --> 00:45:27,293
- He's still eating my piano teacher.
- Oh, shit. Ned, drop it.
683
00:45:27,668 --> 00:45:28,961
Drop it.
684
00:45:36,220 --> 00:45:37,805
This is so fucked.
685
00:45:56,198 --> 00:45:57,825
Jesus.
686
00:45:58,742 --> 00:46:00,382
What do you think they're doing up there?
687
00:46:03,580 --> 00:46:04,873
That's okay, I can talk.
688
00:46:06,041 --> 00:46:08,441
Do you remember the last time
we were in a basement together?
689
00:46:11,255 --> 00:46:14,883
It was sixth grade. Uh, Greg
Sheffler's party. Remember?
690
00:46:15,426 --> 00:46:19,179
We played seven minutes in heaven.
You told everyone you touched my boobs.
691
00:46:19,263 --> 00:46:22,975
I don't think that that happened, per Se.
692
00:46:23,058 --> 00:46:24,643
I probably did touch them.
693
00:46:24,726 --> 00:46:27,604
No, you didn't! You just walked around
calling yourself "The Titty Whisperer."
694
00:46:27,688 --> 00:46:29,857
- I don't call boobs titties.
- Of course.
695
00:46:29,940 --> 00:46:31,692
So where did they get it into their minds
696
00:46:31,775 --> 00:46:34,278
that you had whispered to any boobs
or any titties?
697
00:46:34,361 --> 00:46:38,991
Because we had to whisper downstairs and
everybody assumed there would be titties
698
00:46:39,074 --> 00:46:42,911
because you are the girl and I'm the guy
and usually the girl takes her titties out
699
00:46:43,036 --> 00:46:45,247
and the guy usually touches them.
That's how it goes.
700
00:46:45,372 --> 00:46:46,707
Do you want to know
what everybody called me?
701
00:46:46,790 --> 00:46:48,376
- What?
- They called me a slut.
702
00:46:48,793 --> 00:46:52,297
Do you remember that? Hello?
Do you remember that or not?
703
00:46:52,380 --> 00:46:53,423
Petra, I'm sorry.
704
00:46:54,299 --> 00:46:57,469
It was sixth grade, I didn't know
what I was doing, and I'm sorry.
705
00:47:00,597 --> 00:47:01,973
It's fine.
706
00:47:05,226 --> 00:47:07,604
I probably didn't have any titties
to whisper to anyway.
707
00:47:08,730 --> 00:47:10,106
Nobody did.
708
00:47:15,069 --> 00:47:17,155
It was dark in that laundry room,
but I remember something.
709
00:47:20,909 --> 00:47:22,243
So, who are you these days?
710
00:47:22,827 --> 00:47:25,455
I don't know. How do you even answer
a question like that?
711
00:47:26,247 --> 00:47:27,957
- Are you a jock?
- Hardly.
712
00:47:28,333 --> 00:47:31,628
All I know about you
is that you grew six inches one month.
713
00:47:32,337 --> 00:47:34,297
Yeah, that hurt my knees.
714
00:47:36,007 --> 00:47:39,093
- Are you a stoner?
- Not really. That was Lorelei's thing.
715
00:47:39,260 --> 00:47:42,472
Right. Because it must have been
so tough for her to get through the day
716
00:47:42,597 --> 00:47:45,517
with her mermaid hair and her gumdrop ass.
717
00:47:45,642 --> 00:47:49,646
Lay off her. You killed her.
Isn't that enough?
718
00:47:49,771 --> 00:47:53,274
- You really cared about Lorelei?
- Yeah, I did, actually.
719
00:47:54,484 --> 00:47:57,737
- So, why did you hesitate?
- Hesitate?
720
00:47:57,820 --> 00:47:59,948
On the stairs.
When I grabbed her, you hesitated.
721
00:48:00,031 --> 00:48:04,078
I didn't hesitate. You're thinking about the
moment when I have to process the whole...
722
00:48:04,161 --> 00:48:06,747
Look. All I'm saying is that
when you really care about somebody
723
00:48:06,830 --> 00:48:08,707
you don't hesitate or process.
724
00:48:08,791 --> 00:48:09,917
You just jump right in.
725
00:48:10,000 --> 00:48:11,126
Oh, just jump right in?
726
00:48:11,210 --> 00:48:13,891
I guess that's how you made
the genius decision to become a vampire.
727
00:48:15,966 --> 00:48:17,008
I don't want to talk about that.
728
00:48:17,133 --> 00:48:18,426
Oh, you don't want to talk about that?
729
00:48:18,510 --> 00:48:21,596
I guess we were having a pretty good
conversation, we were really getting it going
730
00:48:21,680 --> 00:48:24,015
and then you just don't want
to talk about it? Okay.
731
00:48:24,140 --> 00:48:26,700
All right. Well, then I'm just
going to talk to the Millers then.
732
00:48:27,477 --> 00:48:28,603
Are you guys doing okay?
733
00:48:28,687 --> 00:48:31,856
Can I get you, maybe,
a milkshake or a bowl of cereal?
734
00:48:40,407 --> 00:48:41,491
Oh.
735
00:48:50,917 --> 00:48:52,085
Are you seeing this?
736
00:48:54,379 --> 00:48:56,172
- You're the worst.
- What?
737
00:49:00,677 --> 00:49:02,554
- Oh!
- No!
738
00:49:02,679 --> 00:49:05,307
- Oh, I love this song.
- I hate this song. Please.
739
00:49:05,390 --> 00:49:07,726
- You hate this song? Who hates this song?
- Turn this off.
740
00:49:07,851 --> 00:49:09,185
Look. Even Ned loves this song.
741
00:49:09,269 --> 00:49:12,480
No. This song makes me think of my
parents when they go into their bedroom
742
00:49:12,564 --> 00:49:14,691
to smoke weed and probably have sex.
743
00:49:14,774 --> 00:49:17,736
Your parents smoke weed?
Wow, that's really cool.
744
00:49:17,861 --> 00:49:20,989
It's not cool. You probably only think
it's cool because your parents don't.
745
00:49:21,072 --> 00:49:24,409
Yeah, but my parents are
dead, so they can't.
746
00:49:25,702 --> 00:49:28,246
Oh, don't sweat it.
It happened a million years ago.
747
00:49:28,872 --> 00:49:29,998
Mmm.
748
00:49:30,081 --> 00:49:31,374
Parents.
749
00:49:31,541 --> 00:49:33,877
- Did he just say "Parents"?
- It's the brains.
750
00:49:34,711 --> 00:49:36,311
If he doesn't eat them, he gets smarter.
751
00:49:37,214 --> 00:49:38,799
I took Bio of the Undead last year.
752
00:49:39,717 --> 00:49:41,552
- Stupid parents.
- No, no.
753
00:49:42,637 --> 00:49:44,889
His parents are kind of a sore subject.
754
00:49:46,474 --> 00:49:47,914
I didn't know you guys were friends.
755
00:49:49,935 --> 00:49:51,437
Oh, I get it.
756
00:49:52,396 --> 00:49:54,398
Like you used to be friends, right?
757
00:49:54,482 --> 00:49:55,733
What happened?
758
00:49:57,985 --> 00:49:59,904
We just drifted apart.
759
00:50:00,446 --> 00:50:01,864
Mmm-hmm.
760
00:50:01,947 --> 00:50:03,467
You got cool and decided to ditch him.
761
00:50:05,284 --> 00:50:07,578
That's not what happened.
I wouldn't do that.
762
00:50:07,745 --> 00:50:09,997
Well, at least you lucked out
in the parents department.
763
00:50:10,122 --> 00:50:13,084
I didn't luck out. My parents are insane.
764
00:50:13,584 --> 00:50:17,254
They're like perfect parents.
My dad's a child psychologist.
765
00:50:17,588 --> 00:50:21,342
My mom's just a parent,
doesn't do anything but care about her son.
766
00:50:22,176 --> 00:50:25,179
They do guitar duets and they want me
to sing along to them.
767
00:50:25,262 --> 00:50:27,598
We make our own ice cream every Sunday.
768
00:50:27,682 --> 00:50:29,767
- We have to have family yoga on Saturdays.
- Pure hell.
769
00:50:29,850 --> 00:50:31,060
- A lot of families do that.
- Yeah.
770
00:50:31,143 --> 00:50:32,895
- That's super normal.
- Oh.
771
00:50:32,978 --> 00:50:36,566
Boo-hoo.
772
00:50:36,650 --> 00:50:40,612
- Oh, it's a joke?
- No. You were just listing beautiful things.
773
00:50:40,696 --> 00:50:43,365
You know something?
My parents are probably dead now, too.
774
00:50:51,707 --> 00:50:52,791
I'm sorry.
775
00:50:52,874 --> 00:50:56,169
No, I'm sorry.
I'm losing my mind in here a little bit.
776
00:50:56,294 --> 00:50:58,338
- I've been in here way too long.
- I know.
777
00:50:58,463 --> 00:51:01,592
Can I ask you a personal question?
How long can you go without blood?
778
00:51:01,676 --> 00:51:06,264
I have no idea. But hey, while we're
being honest with each other,
779
00:51:06,347 --> 00:51:09,559
I should probably tell you, I keep
wondering why it is I don't just drink you.
780
00:51:09,684 --> 00:51:12,478
- Because I'll spear you in the tits.
- Yeah? He'll eat your brains.
781
00:51:12,645 --> 00:51:14,522
- Brains?
- Chill out! No.
782
00:51:15,064 --> 00:51:19,068
All right, look, we gotta go to my parents'
house and I want to see if they're alive.
783
00:51:19,736 --> 00:51:21,654
I can't go anywhere until I eat.
784
00:51:22,155 --> 00:51:24,240
Then we'll go to the high school.
It's on the way.
785
00:51:24,323 --> 00:51:26,993
We'll get food and we'll get blood there.
And then we'll go to my house.
786
00:51:27,076 --> 00:51:30,747
Okay, fine, great. So we do that
and your parents are alive. Then what?
787
00:51:31,581 --> 00:51:33,750
There's still an alien apocalypse going on.
788
00:51:36,502 --> 00:51:40,214
Ned. Look, if we starve him of brains,
he'll get smarter.
789
00:51:40,339 --> 00:51:42,508
So we stay alive long enough
for him to figure out
790
00:51:42,592 --> 00:51:45,595
how to get rid of these aliens
and save everybody's lives.
791
00:51:45,678 --> 00:51:47,263
That's a plan, right?
792
00:51:47,346 --> 00:51:50,683
I mean, it's, uh... It's plan-ish.
793
00:51:57,690 --> 00:52:00,401
- What do you see?
- Nothing. I think we're clear.
794
00:52:04,906 --> 00:52:07,146
- What did you see?
- It's one of them. It's one of them.
795
00:52:07,200 --> 00:52:09,076
- Okay, did he see you?
- Yeah. No.
796
00:52:11,287 --> 00:52:12,538
Back door! Go, go!
797
00:52:13,414 --> 00:52:16,417
- No. Fuck, it's locked!
- Just use your vampire strength.
798
00:52:16,876 --> 00:52:18,961
Are you 12? There's no "vampire strength."
799
00:52:20,880 --> 00:52:22,632
Okay. Go! Ned, come on!
800
00:52:24,425 --> 00:52:25,594
Okay.
801
00:52:25,719 --> 00:52:28,055
- What?
- Oh, shit. I'm a vampire.
802
00:52:28,555 --> 00:52:29,807
Whoa, whoa!
803
00:52:29,890 --> 00:52:32,476
- Oh, my God!
- It's okay. It's okay.
804
00:52:36,146 --> 00:52:37,564
Cover your head. Cover up!
805
00:52:39,441 --> 00:52:42,236
Aliens.
806
00:52:42,736 --> 00:52:44,613
Aliens.
807
00:52:44,738 --> 00:52:47,658
Okay. Okay. I'm okay.
808
00:52:48,909 --> 00:52:51,119
Okay. Don't you wear underwear?
809
00:52:51,328 --> 00:52:54,832
- Shut up. It bunches.
- Aliens!
810
00:52:55,457 --> 00:52:57,584
Whatever happens, we meet back
at the high school, okay?
811
00:52:57,668 --> 00:52:58,961
Okay. Ned!
812
00:53:18,982 --> 00:53:20,191
Dag?
813
00:53:21,776 --> 00:53:22,944
Dag?
814
00:53:23,278 --> 00:53:24,988
Shit, he should have been here by now.
815
00:53:26,114 --> 00:53:28,199
Are you okay?
816
00:53:29,200 --> 00:53:31,369
I think I might be having withdrawals.
817
00:53:32,036 --> 00:53:33,955
- Withdrawals from brains?
- Yeah.
818
00:53:34,122 --> 00:53:35,707
Ugh. That's messed up.
819
00:53:40,336 --> 00:53:42,297
- Help! Open it!
- Oh, shit.
820
00:53:43,214 --> 00:53:46,009
Damn it. You scared the shit out of us.
821
00:53:46,843 --> 00:53:49,053
It's nice to see you, too.
822
00:53:49,220 --> 00:53:51,640
Can I have my clothes back
before an alien spikes my asshole?
823
00:53:51,807 --> 00:53:53,142
Yeah.
824
00:53:55,060 --> 00:53:57,187
Ugh. I wish I would have had this earlier.
825
00:53:57,313 --> 00:54:01,692
So, what happened?
I thought maybe the aliens got you.
826
00:54:01,817 --> 00:54:04,486
No, it was weird. They were all around me
827
00:54:04,653 --> 00:54:07,907
but they just kept passing me by
like they couldn't see me.
828
00:54:18,042 --> 00:54:22,046
They couldn't see you
because you were naked, dumbass.
829
00:54:22,421 --> 00:54:23,589
What?
830
00:54:29,386 --> 00:54:32,681
It's highly likely their vision
can only detect inorganic matter.
831
00:54:34,183 --> 00:54:35,601
That's my theory, anyway.
832
00:54:36,352 --> 00:54:38,020
- Oh, Ned.
- We need to eat.
833
00:54:40,898 --> 00:54:42,524
I've got to get me some brains.
834
00:54:43,692 --> 00:54:45,110
Now, what happened to you, Ned?
835
00:54:45,194 --> 00:54:47,863
I mean, how does the smartest kid
in school get bitten by a zombie?
836
00:54:49,031 --> 00:54:51,200
It's pretty easy, actually.
837
00:54:51,909 --> 00:54:53,285
You got bitten on purpose?
838
00:54:56,872 --> 00:54:58,707
Why would you do that?
839
00:54:58,791 --> 00:55:01,418
You know, I used to worry
about everything, you know?
840
00:55:01,877 --> 00:55:04,129
Getting straight A's, my dad.
841
00:55:05,422 --> 00:55:07,383
Now I just slow my roll, you know?
842
00:55:07,633 --> 00:55:10,803
You just threw it all away to space out?
That's weak.
843
00:55:11,553 --> 00:55:13,013
It's funny.
844
00:55:13,097 --> 00:55:17,686
We haven't talked in years.
Suddenly he gives a shit that I'm a zombie.
845
00:55:17,769 --> 00:55:20,188
What was I supposed to do,
spend all of high school with you
846
00:55:20,271 --> 00:55:22,941
playing Minecraft
and hacking the school's servers?
847
00:55:23,066 --> 00:55:25,276
Oh, as I recall, you thought hacking
was pretty cool!
848
00:55:25,402 --> 00:55:27,904
Yeah, Minecraft
and freaking DoS attacks were cool!
849
00:55:27,988 --> 00:55:29,572
- Yeah, so cool.
- In seventh grade.
850
00:55:29,656 --> 00:55:30,865
"We're hackers, Ned."
851
00:55:30,949 --> 00:55:34,744
But I'm not going to spend all of high school
getting my ass kicked in Loserville! All right?
852
00:55:35,745 --> 00:55:37,580
Where are you going?
853
00:55:38,331 --> 00:55:40,750
- Come on, don't be an asshole.
- You're an asshole!
854
00:55:42,503 --> 00:55:44,505
- I'm an asshole?
- Yeah.
855
00:55:49,093 --> 00:55:50,344
Asshole.
856
00:55:51,429 --> 00:55:52,638
What...
857
00:55:55,141 --> 00:55:56,267
Dag?
858
00:55:58,352 --> 00:55:59,854
Dag, are you in here?
859
00:56:02,356 --> 00:56:03,607
Hello?
860
00:56:05,317 --> 00:56:06,444
Hey.
861
00:56:07,611 --> 00:56:09,091
What are you doing in the old boiler?
862
00:56:10,281 --> 00:56:11,532
Nothing.
863
00:56:12,658 --> 00:56:13,826
Okay.
864
00:56:16,454 --> 00:56:17,788
No, wait.
865
00:56:19,206 --> 00:56:21,292
Great. Now we're both stuck in here.
866
00:56:21,375 --> 00:56:23,294
- Aw.
- Cool.
867
00:56:25,504 --> 00:56:27,631
- Is this funny to you?
- Yeah, a little.
868
00:56:29,550 --> 00:56:32,094
I was coming in here to thank you,
869
00:56:32,178 --> 00:56:36,015
you know, for saving my life
back at the Millers'.
870
00:56:38,309 --> 00:56:39,644
Well, you're welcome.
871
00:56:43,315 --> 00:56:44,524
And...
872
00:56:45,817 --> 00:56:49,029
I'm sorry for killing Lorelei.
873
00:56:52,199 --> 00:56:55,452
Thank you.
I mean, what am I supposed to say to that?
874
00:56:55,535 --> 00:56:57,913
I don't know, Dag.
I'm trying my best here, okay?
875
00:56:57,996 --> 00:56:59,081
Okay.
876
00:56:59,164 --> 00:57:04,294
Hey, maybe you could admit that
Lorelei was sort of a raging bitch.
877
00:57:04,377 --> 00:57:07,547
Yeah, I mean, she was a little bit
of a bitch, but I really liked her.
878
00:57:08,673 --> 00:57:09,883
I did.
879
00:57:10,342 --> 00:57:11,510
Fuck.
880
00:57:14,179 --> 00:57:15,972
You know, while you were busy
really liking her,
881
00:57:16,056 --> 00:57:17,933
she was busy really fucking my boyfriend.
882
00:57:21,061 --> 00:57:22,229
But she was a virgin.
883
00:57:23,855 --> 00:57:24,898
Wow.
884
00:57:25,941 --> 00:57:27,400
Yeah, that's perfect.
885
00:57:29,528 --> 00:57:32,364
So, Lorelei screws Milan
and ends up the coveted virgin,
886
00:57:32,447 --> 00:57:35,325
but I get bitten and I'm a slut for life.
887
00:57:35,408 --> 00:57:38,036
That's not what I meant. I'm sorry.
888
00:57:38,787 --> 00:57:42,374
That's why I bit her, okay?
I saw her and I just snapped.
889
00:57:42,457 --> 00:57:45,418
I know I shouldn't have done it,
but I did and I'm sorry.
890
00:57:45,544 --> 00:57:46,920
Okay, okay.
891
00:57:48,713 --> 00:57:52,884
I can't believe that I'm
that girl for eternity.
892
00:57:53,635 --> 00:57:55,053
No, no, no. You're not.
893
00:57:59,224 --> 00:58:00,642
You're not.
894
00:58:00,767 --> 00:58:01,977
I am.
895
00:58:09,110 --> 00:58:10,736
It's dark in here.
896
00:58:11,320 --> 00:58:15,159
It reminds me of
Greg Sheffler's laundry room.
897
00:58:17,953 --> 00:58:19,121
So,
898
00:58:20,497 --> 00:58:22,497
the only question is,
are you going to chicken out?
899
00:58:30,966 --> 00:58:32,009
Ow.
900
00:58:35,637 --> 00:58:37,931
- Okay.
- It will be all right.
901
00:58:40,642 --> 00:58:42,102
- Wait, wait.
- What?
902
00:58:42,811 --> 00:58:43,931
I've never done this before.
903
00:58:44,104 --> 00:58:46,982
You mean the Titty Whisperer's a virgin?
904
00:58:47,274 --> 00:58:48,275
So am I.
905
00:58:49,818 --> 00:58:51,528
Don't say, "Really?"
906
00:58:51,612 --> 00:58:53,113
I was going to say, "Really?"
907
00:58:58,785 --> 00:58:59,870
Wait, wait.
908
00:59:01,038 --> 00:59:02,122
Shh...
909
00:59:02,206 --> 00:59:03,957
What's happening?
910
00:59:04,291 --> 00:59:06,668
I did it. I did it. Oh, wait.
911
00:59:09,046 --> 00:59:11,173
- Oh.
- Shh...
912
00:59:12,341 --> 00:59:14,676
- I get you that excited?
- Yes.
913
00:59:16,345 --> 00:59:17,554
Come here.
914
00:59:25,687 --> 00:59:27,982
- Are we continuing?
- Oh, yeah.
915
00:59:30,526 --> 00:59:32,862
- Do you want me to do anything?
- No, just shut up.
916
00:59:47,168 --> 00:59:48,211
What?
917
00:59:49,545 --> 00:59:51,005
Did you get me?
918
00:59:51,172 --> 00:59:52,840
No, I don't think I did.
919
00:59:52,924 --> 00:59:56,177
No, no. It's okay.
I was scared I might have gotten...
920
00:59:56,594 --> 00:59:58,674
- No, I would never do that.
- Okay, okay. I'm sorry.
921
00:59:58,721 --> 01:00:01,182
- No, no. This was a mistake.
- Petra, I'm fine.
922
01:00:01,266 --> 01:00:03,476
- No. You are a coward.
- Look, I'm fine.
923
01:00:03,559 --> 01:00:04,686
- No!
- I'm fine!
924
01:00:05,019 --> 01:00:07,021
Petra! Wait!
925
01:00:08,690 --> 01:00:10,525
You could jump out this whole time?
926
01:00:11,693 --> 01:00:14,737
She could jump out this whole time.
I'm such a dick.
927
01:00:15,738 --> 01:00:18,116
- I totally agree.
- Ned?
928
01:00:19,200 --> 01:00:22,203
Yeah. Wow. First guess.
Very impressive.
929
01:00:24,372 --> 01:00:25,957
How much of that did you hear?
930
01:00:26,624 --> 01:00:28,876
Just enough to know you're still a virgin.
931
01:00:30,253 --> 01:00:32,046
Have fun being a virgin.
932
01:00:32,964 --> 01:00:34,799
- Fuck off!
- All right.
933
01:00:35,216 --> 01:00:39,595
Do you need me to get you some
clean underwear while I'm fucking off?
934
01:00:51,275 --> 01:00:53,653
Petra? Petra!
935
01:00:55,405 --> 01:00:56,781
Petra. Hey.
936
01:00:57,824 --> 01:01:00,368
- Listen. Can we please talk?
- Don't touch me.
937
01:01:00,452 --> 01:01:01,953
- Please.
- Look.
938
01:01:02,245 --> 01:01:04,914
Yeah.
That's what I came to tell you guys.
939
01:01:05,248 --> 01:01:08,418
It seems like they're searching
for something. We have to leave town.
940
01:01:08,501 --> 01:01:11,504
No. No, we're going
to my parents' house first.
941
01:01:11,796 --> 01:01:12,964
Wait.
942
01:01:14,090 --> 01:01:16,468
The aliens can't find us
if they can't see us.
943
01:01:17,427 --> 01:01:18,595
Right?
944
01:01:20,930 --> 01:01:22,015
What?
945
01:01:33,109 --> 01:01:36,780
FYI, my dick is bigger than yours.
946
01:01:37,197 --> 01:01:40,200
- Come on, Ned. You're such a dick.
- Hmm.
947
01:01:40,784 --> 01:01:42,285
We said we weren't going to look.
948
01:01:42,994 --> 01:01:44,287
I lied.
949
01:01:46,539 --> 01:01:47,624
Oh, great.
950
01:01:48,625 --> 01:01:50,418
Okay, let's go.
951
01:01:50,502 --> 01:01:52,128
Let's go, let's go. Run!
952
01:01:52,796 --> 01:01:54,964
- Ned, come on! Come on!
- You guys, hurry!
953
01:01:56,341 --> 01:01:57,717
Go, Petra.
954
01:02:00,136 --> 01:02:01,805
Come on, come on.
955
01:02:05,975 --> 01:02:07,060
Mom?
956
01:02:09,187 --> 01:02:10,313
Dad?
957
01:02:12,816 --> 01:02:13,983
Mom?
958
01:02:14,651 --> 01:02:15,735
Dad?
959
01:02:15,819 --> 01:02:16,987
Ah!
960
01:02:17,905 --> 01:02:19,490
Mom, it's Dag!
961
01:02:20,658 --> 01:02:22,410
Are you guys here?
962
01:02:22,993 --> 01:02:24,078
Mom?
963
01:02:24,495 --> 01:02:26,330
Come out. Please come out.
964
01:02:34,422 --> 01:02:36,173
- Do you hear that?
- Where?
965
01:02:36,257 --> 01:02:38,342
The basement. Wait.
966
01:02:38,426 --> 01:02:39,885
Dad! Guys.
967
01:02:41,554 --> 01:02:44,181
But it appears
as if the alien forcefield,
968
01:02:44,265 --> 01:02:46,475
in addition to blocking the town off
from all aid...
969
01:02:46,559 --> 01:02:47,685
I'm sure they're alive.
970
01:02:47,768 --> 01:02:49,770
They're not. They're not.
971
01:03:09,457 --> 01:03:11,959
No! Ned! No!
972
01:03:26,099 --> 01:03:27,225
Are you all right?
973
01:03:34,441 --> 01:03:36,401
No! Ned!
974
01:03:36,485 --> 01:03:38,069
- Get out!
- Ned!
975
01:03:38,445 --> 01:03:40,113
Ned!
976
01:03:41,157 --> 01:03:42,408
No!
977
01:03:47,246 --> 01:03:48,623
He's gone.
978
01:04:15,191 --> 01:04:18,277
He tried to save me. That's why he's dead.
979
01:04:18,361 --> 01:04:20,446
I don't even have the guts
to talk to him at school
980
01:04:20,530 --> 01:04:23,491
or help him out
when some asshole trips him.
981
01:04:23,616 --> 01:04:26,202
Hey, come on. That's not your fault.
982
01:04:27,620 --> 01:04:29,372
That's high school.
983
01:04:30,289 --> 01:04:31,374
No.
984
01:04:32,625 --> 01:04:34,210
You were right.
985
01:04:35,545 --> 01:04:38,297
We didn't just drift apart. I ditched him.
986
01:04:40,466 --> 01:04:43,469
His dad used to force
Ned to be on the team.
987
01:04:43,970 --> 01:04:47,640
Back when he was trying
to mold him into a new Chaz Jr.
988
01:04:48,474 --> 01:04:51,477
And so Ned finds himself out there,
989
01:04:52,979 --> 01:04:56,148
deep left, last inning, last game.
990
01:04:56,983 --> 01:05:00,736
And I'm on the mound
and I serve up this meatball.
991
01:05:01,654 --> 01:05:04,031
And the kid hits the snot out of it.
992
01:05:04,156 --> 01:05:07,077
It's like this thing has eyes
for where Ned's standing.
993
01:05:07,160 --> 01:05:10,998
And right at the moment of truth,
it's about to hit Ned's glove
994
01:05:11,582 --> 01:05:15,919
and boom, Chaz Jr. just obliterates him
995
01:05:16,587 --> 01:05:19,047
and grabs the ball like it's nothing.
996
01:05:19,172 --> 01:05:21,049
Game over. Mosely Auto wins.
997
01:05:22,593 --> 01:05:24,177
Everybody mobs Chaz Jr.
998
01:05:25,012 --> 01:05:27,556
And I remember looking out
into the outfield grass
999
01:05:28,557 --> 01:05:30,601
and Ned's still there,
1000
01:05:31,602 --> 01:05:33,895
just looking for his glasses.
1001
01:05:35,689 --> 01:05:38,025
That's the thing. He didn't...
1002
01:05:39,443 --> 01:05:41,361
He never got a chance.
1003
01:05:41,862 --> 01:05:44,615
It's not like he dropped it.
He never got a chance.
1004
01:05:44,698 --> 01:05:45,866
Yeah.
1005
01:05:53,708 --> 01:05:56,878
I never really knew Ned
until he was a zombie.
1006
01:05:58,129 --> 01:05:59,797
But he was kind.
1007
01:06:00,715 --> 01:06:02,425
And he was brave.
1008
01:06:04,052 --> 01:06:06,054
And he had a huge cock.
1009
01:06:10,308 --> 01:06:11,601
Ashes to ashes.
1010
01:06:13,436 --> 01:06:14,479
We'll miss you, Ned.
1011
01:06:14,562 --> 01:06:17,148
Nice speech, douchebag.
I preferred Petra's.
1012
01:06:17,231 --> 01:06:19,442
- Ned!
- Are you okay?
1013
01:06:19,567 --> 01:06:21,736
Oh, my God! Sit down, here.
1014
01:06:22,278 --> 01:06:24,989
- Shit. We thought you were dead.
- I wasn't dead.
1015
01:06:25,073 --> 01:06:28,409
I was dematerialized and reassembled.
1016
01:06:28,493 --> 01:06:30,120
Is everyone alive? Are my parents alive?
1017
01:06:30,245 --> 01:06:33,666
I don't know. You must have killed the alien
before it could send me to the right place.
1018
01:06:33,749 --> 01:06:35,084
So, instead of going
where everyone else went,
1019
01:06:35,167 --> 01:06:37,252
I ended up at the Little
Caesars on Lakeview.
1020
01:06:37,336 --> 01:06:38,879
- What?
- What do we do now?
1021
01:06:38,962 --> 01:06:41,757
We give the alien what they came for.
1022
01:06:42,132 --> 01:06:43,759
Think about it.
1023
01:06:45,427 --> 01:06:49,598
Why would they pick Dillford?
What's the one thing our town's known for?
1024
01:06:49,848 --> 01:06:51,517
You're around it every day.
1025
01:06:51,600 --> 01:06:53,018
Wait, riblets?
1026
01:06:53,310 --> 01:06:55,437
They flew a billion miles
for a great sandwich?
1027
01:06:55,771 --> 01:06:57,856
They want what's in the riblets.
1028
01:06:58,023 --> 01:07:00,651
- Little ribs?
- Tetrafluoraxipan.
1029
01:07:00,776 --> 01:07:01,777
What the hell is that?
1030
01:07:01,860 --> 01:07:06,865
It's the chemical that Malphasta uses to
make horse cartilage taste like real meat.
1031
01:07:06,949 --> 01:07:09,451
- That's what they want.
- What? How are you so sure?
1032
01:07:09,535 --> 01:07:11,203
- Because look.
- Oh, my God.
1033
01:07:12,663 --> 01:07:15,874
Why is that so gross?
My face has been melting for a day.
1034
01:07:15,958 --> 01:07:18,460
- There's pus. Ned!
- Oh, my God, that's horrible.
1035
01:07:18,544 --> 01:07:20,170
- Oh, God.
- Ned, please put it away.
1036
01:07:20,295 --> 01:07:22,965
It's an allergic reaction
from when the alien grabbed me.
1037
01:07:23,048 --> 01:07:25,801
- And do you know what I'm allergic to?
- Tree nuts?
1038
01:07:26,135 --> 01:07:27,177
Dairy?
1039
01:07:27,302 --> 01:07:28,470
Ragweed?
1040
01:07:28,554 --> 01:07:29,596
Tarragon?
1041
01:07:29,680 --> 01:07:31,682
Tetrafluoraxipan, guys.
1042
01:07:32,141 --> 01:07:33,741
I thought I was spoon-feeding you, guys.
1043
01:07:33,809 --> 01:07:35,686
- I really thought it was easy.
- Yeah.
1044
01:07:35,811 --> 01:07:39,565
Look, all we gotta do
is give the alien this chemical,
1045
01:07:39,898 --> 01:07:42,067
and they'll leave us alone.
1046
01:07:49,324 --> 01:07:51,702
Come on. Get over here.
1047
01:07:55,749 --> 01:07:58,168
- Rick, are you there?
- Dougie, is that you?
1048
01:07:58,752 --> 01:08:01,755
Yes. Rick, yes, it's Dag. Please let us in.
1049
01:08:01,838 --> 01:08:03,965
How do we know it's not an alien
pretending to be him?
1050
01:08:04,048 --> 01:08:08,136
I got it. What happened to you
at the Harvest Carnival five years ago?
1051
01:08:08,219 --> 01:08:09,721
Fucking hell.
1052
01:08:12,015 --> 01:08:14,392
I shit myself in the dunk tank.
1053
01:08:14,517 --> 01:08:15,685
What?
1054
01:08:18,188 --> 01:08:20,774
I shit myself in the dunk tank!
1055
01:08:21,191 --> 01:08:23,067
Oh, it's him. Let him in.
1056
01:08:24,195 --> 01:08:26,197
I thought you shit yourself
at your piano recital.
1057
01:08:26,280 --> 01:08:28,699
It was a bad week, okay? Come on!
1058
01:08:31,619 --> 01:08:34,580
So, let me get this straight.
You're telling me that these aliens
1059
01:08:34,705 --> 01:08:36,791
can't see you if you're naked.
1060
01:08:38,209 --> 01:08:40,795
Then how did you three morons get here?
1061
01:08:40,878 --> 01:08:45,174
Well, these clothes are organic cotton,
so they're no different from our skin.
1062
01:08:45,257 --> 01:08:47,092
Right. I forgot your mom's a filthy hippie.
1063
01:08:47,218 --> 01:08:48,886
Your blood, darling.
1064
01:08:48,969 --> 01:08:50,054
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
1065
01:08:51,222 --> 01:08:53,222
Thank you. Will you check
on the zombie kid for me?
1066
01:08:53,933 --> 01:08:55,693
Mmm-hmm. I will do that.
1067
01:08:56,227 --> 01:09:00,397
So, you ladies would have me believe
that a bunch of aliens packed themselves
1068
01:09:00,481 --> 01:09:04,819
into spaceships and flew a zillion miles
to Earth just to get some riblets.
1069
01:09:05,069 --> 01:09:06,570
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
1070
01:09:06,737 --> 01:09:08,572
Did they say how much they would pay?
1071
01:09:08,989 --> 01:09:10,491
Rick, please.
1072
01:09:10,783 --> 01:09:13,118
Just give them what they want.
1073
01:09:13,244 --> 01:09:16,789
You'd be a hero.
They'll probably make a statue out of you.
1074
01:09:16,914 --> 01:09:19,334
Do you realize the entire town
is being held captive somewhere?
1075
01:09:19,417 --> 01:09:21,670
Probably having probes
shoved up their assholes.
1076
01:09:21,753 --> 01:09:23,797
Right. Statue.
1077
01:09:24,589 --> 01:09:25,674
Mmm-hmm.
1078
01:09:25,757 --> 01:09:27,467
And meanwhile, Daisy and I are fine.
I wonder why.
1079
01:09:27,551 --> 01:09:30,470
Oh, that's right. Because we didn't run
into the middle of town with pitchforks,
1080
01:09:30,595 --> 01:09:32,138
trying to brain our neighbors.
You know what?
1081
01:09:32,264 --> 01:09:34,384
Those people are maniacs,
and as far as I'm concerned,
1082
01:09:34,432 --> 01:09:36,192
the wider and deeper the
probes, the better.
1083
01:09:36,268 --> 01:09:37,853
Hey, those are my parents
you're talking about.
1084
01:09:37,936 --> 01:09:41,273
Well, I guess there's going to be shorter lines
at the Parker family bathroom this year.
1085
01:09:41,356 --> 01:09:43,275
- What did you say?
- Oh, I think you heard me.
1086
01:09:43,358 --> 01:09:45,026
You motherfucker!
1087
01:09:45,110 --> 01:09:46,319
- Daisy!
- Hey!
1088
01:09:47,821 --> 01:09:49,823
- Ned!
- Oh, fuck! Ned, no.
1089
01:09:50,657 --> 01:09:53,285
- Wait. No brains.
- You ate my Daisy, you fuck!
1090
01:09:53,618 --> 01:09:55,954
- Oh, dear God in heaven.
- Oh, shit.
1091
01:09:56,121 --> 01:09:59,499
- God, we're really sorry, Rick.
- You're sorry? I loved this woman.
1092
01:09:59,624 --> 01:10:01,585
Can we just talk? Oh!
1093
01:10:01,668 --> 01:10:03,295
Please! Don't do this!
1094
01:10:04,296 --> 01:10:05,797
We need help.
1095
01:10:08,300 --> 01:10:10,302
- That's it.
- What?
1096
01:10:11,344 --> 01:10:12,512
Yeah.
1097
01:10:13,138 --> 01:10:14,639
I'm having an idea.
1098
01:10:14,973 --> 01:10:18,310
This isn't an idea. This is suicide.
1099
01:10:18,852 --> 01:10:21,646
Look, Ned did it and he's fine. Kind of.
1100
01:10:21,855 --> 01:10:25,358
If we hadn't killed that alien, it would
have sent him where it sent everybody else.
1101
01:10:25,483 --> 01:10:26,818
Are you fucking insane?
1102
01:10:26,902 --> 01:10:29,529
The three of us alone can't do shit.
1103
01:10:30,322 --> 01:10:33,325
We need help. Come on, let's do this.
1104
01:10:35,493 --> 01:10:37,579
We're still a team, right?
1105
01:10:39,664 --> 01:10:41,291
Ugh. Let's do it now.
1106
01:10:45,046 --> 01:10:46,547
I love you guys.
1107
01:10:55,056 --> 01:10:57,267
Come and get it! Come and get it!
1108
01:11:12,199 --> 01:11:13,367
Mom?
1109
01:11:15,869 --> 01:11:16,912
Dag!
1110
01:11:17,245 --> 01:11:19,873
Petra. Oh, God! You look great.
1111
01:11:20,040 --> 01:11:23,710
Look, let's not beat around the bush.
You've had blood.
1112
01:11:23,919 --> 01:11:26,296
- Hook a vampire up.
- Are you serious?
1113
01:11:26,380 --> 01:11:29,424
Petra, please. Now's not the time
to get all periodic on me!
1114
01:11:31,551 --> 01:11:32,719
Thanks.
1115
01:11:34,304 --> 01:11:38,058
Go fuck yourself. And you were right.
Being a vampire isn't that bad.
1116
01:11:40,394 --> 01:11:41,561
Bitch.
1117
01:11:42,270 --> 01:11:43,563
Son!
1118
01:11:45,065 --> 01:11:46,817
Son!
1119
01:11:50,612 --> 01:11:52,239
Dad?
1120
01:11:52,406 --> 01:11:55,993
Yes, Ned. It is I, your father!
1121
01:11:56,743 --> 01:11:58,245
I have been a terrible parent.
1122
01:11:58,745 --> 01:12:00,747
I never paid attention to you.
1123
01:12:00,831 --> 01:12:03,417
I blew your college fund on OxyContin.
1124
01:12:03,500 --> 01:12:06,837
I don't even sell Hyundais. I sell Kias.
1125
01:12:06,920 --> 01:12:08,756
Kias?!
1126
01:12:08,840 --> 01:12:10,591
Shameful, I know.
1127
01:12:11,467 --> 01:12:12,593
Point is,
1128
01:12:13,302 --> 01:12:15,013
I've got major issues.
1129
01:12:15,430 --> 01:12:20,184
But I love you. Now and forever.
1130
01:12:22,770 --> 01:12:25,106
I love you too, dickwad.
1131
01:12:28,359 --> 01:12:29,485
Mom?
1132
01:12:30,111 --> 01:12:31,279
Dad?
1133
01:12:32,321 --> 01:12:35,033
- Dag! Dag. Oh.
- Hey.
1134
01:12:35,116 --> 01:12:37,869
My sweet, little frowny clown.
1135
01:12:37,952 --> 01:12:41,581
Hey! Oh, you got all
that time-slime on you.
1136
01:12:41,664 --> 01:12:42,707
Wow.
1137
01:12:42,874 --> 01:12:44,625
Oh, hey, look who we found.
1138
01:12:45,001 --> 01:12:46,294
Lorelei.
1139
01:12:46,836 --> 01:12:49,964
Hi.
Oh, what the hell is that thing?
1140
01:12:50,465 --> 01:12:52,633
Ah, it's some kind of alien forcefield.
1141
01:12:52,717 --> 01:12:55,678
It separates us from
the vampires and the zombies.
1142
01:12:55,803 --> 01:12:57,764
I call it the firewall.
1143
01:13:00,725 --> 01:13:03,061
At this point, fuck it, right?
1144
01:13:03,478 --> 01:13:04,687
- Dag! Hey!
- Hey.
1145
01:13:04,812 --> 01:13:06,189
- Petra.
- Oh.
1146
01:13:06,314 --> 01:13:08,232
I haven't seen you since you murdered me.
1147
01:13:08,483 --> 01:13:10,318
Yeah. Um...
1148
01:13:11,235 --> 01:13:13,321
Look, I'm really sorry about that.
1149
01:13:13,529 --> 01:13:16,991
No, don't apologize. I
mean, look at my tits.
1150
01:13:17,075 --> 01:13:19,660
- They're, like, twice the size now.
- God damn.
1151
01:13:20,369 --> 01:13:22,163
- Ned! Hey, how are you doing, buddy?
- Ned!
1152
01:13:22,246 --> 01:13:24,332
- Is that Ned Mosely?
- Oh.
1153
01:13:24,415 --> 01:13:26,918
- Oh, God, he looks terrible.
- Ooh.
1154
01:13:27,001 --> 01:13:28,252
Okay, here's the deal.
1155
01:13:28,336 --> 01:13:30,547
I don't care how messed up
these brains make you,
1156
01:13:30,672 --> 01:13:34,511
I need you to think how we can
bring this thing, this forcefield, down.
1157
01:13:34,719 --> 01:13:36,471
Help us get out of here, Ned,
1158
01:13:36,554 --> 01:13:38,765
so we can give them what they want
and get rid of them.
1159
01:13:38,848 --> 01:13:40,892
Come on, Ned.
Come on, you can do it.
1160
01:13:41,017 --> 01:13:43,019
- You can do it, Ned.
- Push through.
1161
01:13:52,195 --> 01:13:53,321
Hurry up.
1162
01:13:53,404 --> 01:13:55,448
Just one more line of code.
1163
01:13:55,782 --> 01:13:56,866
Done.
1164
01:13:56,950 --> 01:13:58,243
Wait, what just happened?
1165
01:13:58,368 --> 01:14:00,370
No, no. Shut it down. Shut it down.
1166
01:14:01,704 --> 01:14:02,747
Shut it down now.
1167
01:14:03,039 --> 01:14:05,208
- You're awesome, Ned.
- Shut it down.
1168
01:14:05,542 --> 01:14:07,418
Shut it down now!
1169
01:14:16,886 --> 01:14:18,054
What?
1170
01:14:21,057 --> 01:14:23,768
But why do they think he has the brains?
1171
01:14:23,893 --> 01:14:26,771
He doesn't even seem like
he has any language skills.
1172
01:14:29,607 --> 01:14:31,484
Oh, that's not a word.
1173
01:14:35,905 --> 01:14:37,866
- Sog attack?
- DoS attack!
1174
01:14:37,949 --> 01:14:40,952
- DoS attack! DoS attack!
- DoS attack! DoS attack!
1175
01:14:41,077 --> 01:14:43,204
This is what we used to do
back in junior high.
1176
01:14:43,288 --> 01:14:45,456
We used to overload the servers
to bring them down.
1177
01:14:45,582 --> 01:14:47,500
We hit this thing together,
we'll short it out.
1178
01:14:47,584 --> 01:14:49,502
- Yes!
- Are you nuts?
1179
01:14:49,586 --> 01:14:53,006
Let the vampires do it.
They're so goddamn immortal!
1180
01:14:53,506 --> 01:14:55,550
Oh, yeah, just like a human.
1181
01:14:55,633 --> 01:14:58,762
Put it all on the undead. Pussies!
1182
01:14:58,846 --> 01:15:01,056
You're a pussy, bloodsucker!
1183
01:15:01,140 --> 01:15:02,975
- You know what?
- Hey, hey. Everybody!
1184
01:15:03,100 --> 01:15:07,438
What is it going to take for you idiots
to stop fighting and work together?
1185
01:15:07,521 --> 01:15:12,026
Mr. Zimmerman, your daughter,
she's a vampire, right? And you love her?
1186
01:15:12,610 --> 01:15:14,987
Yeah, you do. How could you not?
1187
01:15:15,779 --> 01:15:18,699
Mrs. Franklin, your son is a zombie.
1188
01:15:18,782 --> 01:15:22,953
We've always known. Not a real doctor.
Let's quit pretending that he is.
1189
01:15:23,287 --> 01:15:25,039
All the aliens want
1190
01:15:26,165 --> 01:15:27,249
are the riblets.
1191
01:15:27,333 --> 01:15:31,295
Now, I don't know about you.
I don't want to die in a Palway.
1192
01:15:31,795 --> 01:15:34,924
If we just work together,
we can tear this wall down.
1193
01:15:35,007 --> 01:15:38,093
We will get out of here,
we'll convince Rick to open up the gates
1194
01:15:38,177 --> 01:15:40,638
and we'll save our shitty town!
1195
01:15:41,180 --> 01:15:43,057
Now, what do you say?
1196
01:15:47,811 --> 01:15:59,156
USA! USA!
1197
01:15:59,240 --> 01:16:00,532
Whoo!
1198
01:16:02,244 --> 01:16:03,328
All right!
1199
01:16:04,162 --> 01:16:05,664
Is everyone ready?
1200
01:16:05,747 --> 01:16:08,250
Three, two...
1201
01:16:09,000 --> 01:16:10,085
Fuck it, just run!
1202
01:16:23,015 --> 01:16:24,058
Hey!
1203
01:16:24,517 --> 01:16:26,352
Let's get those riblets!
1204
01:16:26,852 --> 01:16:29,021
Come on! Come on, let's go!
1205
01:16:30,523 --> 01:16:32,024
Rick! Rick!
1206
01:16:32,400 --> 01:16:35,319
- Oh, shit.
- No, no!
1207
01:16:35,403 --> 01:16:38,197
The next asshole who steps closer
gets one in the chest!
1208
01:16:40,199 --> 01:16:42,910
We need you to give the aliens
the riblets! It's the only way!
1209
01:16:44,370 --> 01:16:45,788
Isn't that nice?
1210
01:16:46,580 --> 01:16:50,710
You know what? From day one, nobody
in this town ever involved me in anything.
1211
01:16:50,793 --> 01:16:53,212
Not the bowling team, not the book club.
1212
01:16:53,296 --> 01:16:55,548
Shit, I paid for the
goddamn baseball field,
1213
01:16:55,631 --> 01:16:59,093
and I still can't get the drink I want
after the game at the bar.
1214
01:16:59,218 --> 01:17:00,970
A Rick-itini's not a drink!
1215
01:17:02,054 --> 01:17:03,556
It is to me!
1216
01:17:03,639 --> 01:17:07,226
I deserve to belong, man.
I deserve to belong.
1217
01:17:07,310 --> 01:17:09,061
Yes, you're right.
1218
01:17:09,812 --> 01:17:11,355
You do deserve to belong.
1219
01:17:11,439 --> 01:17:14,279
I want to believe you, Diggie,
but I think you just want me to save you.
1220
01:17:14,817 --> 01:17:17,653
Do you want the truth? Here's the truth.
1221
01:17:18,571 --> 01:17:20,656
You have been a huge dick!
1222
01:17:21,741 --> 01:17:23,743
But I've been one, too.
1223
01:17:26,245 --> 01:17:28,414
And we both deserve
to be a part of this town.
1224
01:17:28,956 --> 01:17:30,499
Rick! Rick!
1225
01:17:30,791 --> 01:17:33,294
Rick! Rick! Rick!
1226
01:17:33,419 --> 01:17:35,504
Rick! Rick! Rick!
1227
01:17:35,588 --> 01:17:36,964
Rick! Rick!
1228
01:17:37,089 --> 01:17:38,841
- Rick.
- Rick! Rick! Rick!
1229
01:17:38,966 --> 01:17:40,968
- Rick! Rick! Rick!
- Rick. Rick.
1230
01:17:41,093 --> 01:17:44,764
Come on, what's it going to be?
They're coming! We need you!
1231
01:17:45,682 --> 01:17:47,100
All right.
1232
01:17:48,435 --> 01:17:50,187
Bring it, fuckers!
1233
01:17:52,105 --> 01:17:53,106
Come on, come on.
1234
01:17:53,190 --> 01:17:56,109
Come on, come on!
Everybody in! Everybody in!
1235
01:17:56,610 --> 01:17:59,112
- Go, go! Go! Come on!
- Run!
1236
01:18:07,621 --> 01:18:10,374
Creatures from the great beyond,
1237
01:18:10,457 --> 01:18:12,709
behold the riblet!
1238
01:18:23,470 --> 01:18:24,554
Ugh.
1239
01:18:24,638 --> 01:18:26,807
Jesus, that's what riblets are made of?
1240
01:18:26,890 --> 01:18:30,185
How come no one ever told us?
1241
01:19:03,177 --> 01:19:04,512
Oh, my God!
1242
01:19:10,519 --> 01:19:11,520
Ew.
1243
01:19:14,356 --> 01:19:15,732
- Ugh.
- Oh! Oh!
1244
01:19:22,573 --> 01:19:24,032
What are you doing, aliens?
1245
01:19:25,033 --> 01:19:26,702
Holy shit.
1246
01:19:28,454 --> 01:19:30,038
Wait, what's happening?
1247
01:19:33,876 --> 01:19:35,085
What is going on?
1248
01:19:35,210 --> 01:19:38,589
He was wrong!
Your genius zombie friend was wrong!
1249
01:19:38,964 --> 01:19:41,383
They took our riblets
and now they're going to kill us all!
1250
01:19:49,725 --> 01:19:54,229
Beings of Earth, do not
cower in fear. Rise.
1251
01:19:54,938 --> 01:19:56,231
It's...
1252
01:19:56,648 --> 01:19:57,691
beautiful.
1253
01:19:57,774 --> 01:20:00,194
As our planet's ambassador,
1254
01:20:00,277 --> 01:20:03,989
we would like to thank you
for giving us a precious chemical
1255
01:20:04,072 --> 01:20:05,616
that sustains us.
1256
01:20:05,741 --> 01:20:08,952
- Why does it have a German accent?
- I was going to ask the same question.
1257
01:20:09,244 --> 01:20:10,746
But before we go,
1258
01:20:10,829 --> 01:20:14,124
we need to talk about what happened here.
1259
01:20:14,249 --> 01:20:18,670
We came all this way
to essentially borrow a stick of butter.
1260
01:20:18,754 --> 01:20:21,840
And before we even got a chance to ask,
1261
01:20:21,924 --> 01:20:23,717
you went bananas.
1262
01:20:23,800 --> 01:20:26,470
We had to lock you all up in the Palway
1263
01:20:26,595 --> 01:20:29,431
just to protect you from yourselves.
1264
01:20:29,765 --> 01:20:34,312
As one of your great philosophers
so eloquently put it,
1265
01:20:35,438 --> 01:20:39,817
"We didn't start the fire."
1266
01:20:41,277 --> 01:20:43,488
"It was always burning."
1267
01:20:43,613 --> 01:20:47,116
"Since the world's been turning."
1268
01:20:47,325 --> 01:20:50,870
"But when we are gone,
will it still burn on,"
1269
01:20:50,954 --> 01:20:53,623
"and on and on?"
1270
01:20:53,706 --> 01:20:54,791
You are fucking kidding me.
1271
01:20:54,874 --> 01:20:57,877
- But that's a song.
- It's a song about burning.
1272
01:20:58,336 --> 01:21:00,672
Here is the point. Look at us.
1273
01:21:00,797 --> 01:21:04,175
We are 90 feet of
intergalactic awesomeness.
1274
01:21:04,300 --> 01:21:07,179
- Look at you. You guys are a mess.
- Huh?
1275
01:21:07,304 --> 01:21:10,474
Have some dignity, for shit's sake.
1276
01:21:10,558 --> 01:21:12,142
And you're welcome.
1277
01:21:12,226 --> 01:21:13,811
Hey, wait a second.
1278
01:21:13,894 --> 01:21:15,020
Yes?
1279
01:21:15,729 --> 01:21:16,981
Fuck you.
1280
01:21:17,064 --> 01:21:18,440
- Oh, whoa.
- No, no, no.
1281
01:21:18,524 --> 01:21:20,609
You come here in your ship,
1282
01:21:20,693 --> 01:21:22,570
you scare the living piss out of us,
1283
01:21:22,653 --> 01:21:26,031
and then you lecture us
with a Billy Joel song?
1284
01:21:26,156 --> 01:21:31,078
But our research indicated an abiding love
for Billy Joel.
1285
01:21:33,247 --> 01:21:34,290
Freak.
1286
01:21:34,373 --> 01:21:37,167
Please, let's keep this civilized.
1287
01:21:37,710 --> 01:21:38,919
Ow!
1288
01:21:39,003 --> 01:21:41,672
- What the fuck?
- She's right!
1289
01:21:41,755 --> 01:21:45,426
Go fuck with somebody else's planet,
you self-righteous douchebag. Fuck you!
1290
01:21:47,511 --> 01:21:50,889
Fine. Have it your way, bitches.
1291
01:22:22,088 --> 01:22:23,728
- Are you all right?
- What is that stuff?
1292
01:22:24,883 --> 01:22:26,051
Ammonia!
1293
01:22:26,134 --> 01:22:29,512
The ammonia's melting it!
Ammonia! That's it!
1294
01:22:29,596 --> 01:22:31,973
Mrs. Mosely, the ammonia hose! Quick!
1295
01:22:32,057 --> 01:22:35,268
Way ahead of you, Daggy! Let her rip, boys!
1296
01:22:53,662 --> 01:22:57,415
You uppity little bitch, I've done
a lot of slumming in my life, but you...
1297
01:22:59,751 --> 01:23:01,419
You might be my biggest disgrace.
1298
01:23:01,586 --> 01:23:02,754
Yeah!
1299
01:23:09,969 --> 01:23:12,555
When you really care
about somebody, you don't hesitate.
1300
01:23:12,639 --> 01:23:14,015
You just jump right in.
1301
01:23:14,099 --> 01:23:15,183
Don't touch her!
1302
01:23:25,027 --> 01:23:26,112
Ahh!
1303
01:23:32,159 --> 01:23:34,286
In a way, I envy you.
1304
01:23:34,954 --> 01:23:36,872
About to see a world I'll never know.
1305
01:23:53,974 --> 01:23:56,309
When the change comes, it is...
1306
01:23:57,352 --> 01:24:00,897
- Enormous.
- Enormous. It's a big change.
1307
01:24:01,189 --> 01:24:02,399
Wow.
1308
01:24:15,829 --> 01:24:16,997
No.
1309
01:24:31,344 --> 01:24:33,388
I said, "Don't touch her."
1310
01:24:37,517 --> 01:24:39,019
No!
1311
01:24:47,444 --> 01:24:49,280
It's sticking out of my back, isn't it?
1312
01:24:49,363 --> 01:24:50,406
Mm-hmm.
1313
01:24:54,285 --> 01:24:55,787
Are you okay?
1314
01:24:59,373 --> 01:25:01,626
- Did you hear that?
- It's him.
1315
01:25:02,210 --> 01:25:04,128
Our boy is growing up.
1316
01:25:20,728 --> 01:25:22,104
Oh, shit.
1317
01:25:32,657 --> 01:25:33,783
Fuck this.
1318
01:25:56,138 --> 01:25:58,057
What the hell is that?
1319
01:25:58,140 --> 01:26:00,518
Sub-atomic fusion explosive.
1320
01:26:01,018 --> 01:26:03,271
Parting gift, motherfuckers.
1321
01:26:51,404 --> 01:26:52,488
Ned! Ned!
1322
01:26:59,495 --> 01:27:01,414
Give him the high cheese, Diggy!
1323
01:27:10,214 --> 01:27:12,675
Wait, that's not supposed to happen.
1324
01:27:51,215 --> 01:27:57,054
There's a time to remember,
a time to forget.
1325
01:27:57,137 --> 01:28:01,892
The world out there, just shoot her down
No time for the quit.
1326
01:28:03,560 --> 01:28:05,896
- Guess who.
- Lorelei.
1327
01:28:06,563 --> 01:28:08,732
- Yo, Dag, what's up?
- Yo, what's up, man?
1328
01:28:08,816 --> 01:28:11,652
Look at you. Hey, you want to eat
at my table today?
1329
01:28:11,944 --> 01:28:14,613
Um, I'd love to,
but I kind of got some other plans.
1330
01:28:15,447 --> 01:28:18,784
Oh, well, that's cool, because maybe
after school, we could hang...
1331
01:28:19,785 --> 01:28:21,620
Uh, nothing. I'll just...
1332
01:28:22,246 --> 01:28:23,580
- Hi.
- Hey.
1333
01:28:24,248 --> 01:28:25,874
Should we go find Ned?
1334
01:28:25,958 --> 01:28:28,502
No, it looks like
he's bonding with Chaz Jr. today.
1335
01:28:33,257 --> 01:28:34,425
Oh.
1336
01:28:34,633 --> 01:28:36,343
That is my thigh.
1337
01:28:49,858 --> 01:28:50,942
So, what should we do?
1338
01:28:51,776 --> 01:28:53,069
I don't know.
1339
01:28:53,153 --> 01:28:54,779
Maybe we should
1340
01:28:54,863 --> 01:28:56,281
make out under the bleachers.
1341
01:28:56,614 --> 01:28:57,615
Huh.
1342
01:28:58,700 --> 01:29:00,452
Bring it, fucker.
1343
01:29:01,787 --> 01:29:03,456
I am so into you.
1344
01:29:07,460 --> 01:29:12,715
I don't care about tomorrow
when I feel like this today.
1345
01:29:13,966 --> 01:29:15,509
So, who are you these days?
1346
01:29:17,136 --> 01:29:19,555
I'm Nick Braun.
1347
01:29:20,139 --> 01:29:23,350
What do they look like?
Is it like Spielberg or more Giger?
1348
01:29:23,476 --> 01:29:24,852
Who the fuck is Giger? I don't know.
1349
01:29:24,977 --> 01:29:27,480
H.R. Giger. He designed
the aliens in Alien.
1350
01:29:29,398 --> 01:29:30,441
Who's pitching it to me?
1351
01:29:30,524 --> 01:29:32,401
Did you ever see the
movie Schindler's List?
1352
01:29:32,651 --> 01:29:34,695
You know,
he wanted to save all these people...
1353
01:29:34,820 --> 01:29:36,822
Save all these lives
that were worth saving, right?
1354
01:29:37,073 --> 01:29:39,366
Well, you're like my opposite Schindler.
1355
01:29:39,492 --> 01:29:41,494
This is really going to fuck you up.
1356
01:29:42,995 --> 01:29:44,413
I dropped my weapon. Hold on.
1357
01:29:44,497 --> 01:29:46,832
Are you ready to give up yet?
1358
01:29:46,916 --> 01:29:48,417
Say it more like you're choking.
1359
01:29:48,501 --> 01:29:51,837
I am choking, though.
That's why it's hard to say this shit.
1360
01:30:00,679 --> 01:30:04,850
- We're "understanding" parents.
- Yeah. Right.
1361
01:30:05,226 --> 01:30:07,603
- You do the other quote.
- Yeah, all right.
1362
01:30:07,686 --> 01:30:09,939
You guys understand too much.
1363
01:30:10,022 --> 01:30:13,834
Maybe a little too much some days.
When we have to drive.
1364
01:30:13,859 --> 01:30:17,162
We should all do it
sometime together or something.
1365
01:30:17,196 --> 01:30:19,698
- Oh, no. Not important to do that.
- No.
1366
01:30:19,782 --> 01:30:21,900
- It's a... Yeah.
- Generational.
1367
01:30:21,951 --> 01:30:24,986
What, did I stutter?
1368
01:30:25,004 --> 01:30:26,540
No! - A little bit.
1369
01:30:26,623 --> 01:30:29,608
You did stutter a little bit.
1370
01:30:29,626 --> 01:30:33,863
My jaw is half gone.
Way to make fun of me.
1371
01:30:33,922 --> 01:30:38,784
- I didn't mean that. Sorry.
- Class act, this guy.
1372
01:30:38,852 --> 01:30:41,137
It's not going to get better,
so just... - Got it.
1373
01:30:41,138 --> 01:30:44,098
I'm going to take a key.
I'm going to stick it in my mouth,
1374
01:30:44,099 --> 01:30:45,641
and I'm going to turn it
and I'm going to lock it.
1375
01:30:45,642 --> 01:30:47,434
- But you're still talking.
- Yep.
1376
01:30:47,435 --> 01:30:51,063
No-one can stop ya
if you truly believe
1377
01:30:51,064 --> 01:30:56,527
lt just fixiate to cut you
There's no place for the weak.
1378
01:30:56,528 --> 01:31:01,949
People sad collect dodges
Wait for someone to break.
1379
01:31:01,950 --> 01:31:07,104
It's all right, it's okay.
1380
01:31:07,105 --> 01:31:13,085
You can be anytime you want to.
1381
01:31:13,086 --> 01:31:18,341
Take your time, walk away.
1382
01:31:18,342 --> 01:31:24,515
You can come back
if you're supposed to.
1383
01:31:59,468 --> 01:32:31,999
It's all right, it's okay.
It's all right, it's okay.
1384
01:32:32,000 --> 01:32:34,300
It's all right...