1
00:00:18,080 --> 00:00:20,913
(Quiet brass fanfare)

2
00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:49,317
(Rippling piano and strings)

3
00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:05,678
(Tyres screech)

4
00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:11,553
(Children's voices)

5
00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:16,154
♫♫

6
00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:50,430
(Flies buzz)

7
00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:05,156
(Birds sing, dogs bark)

8
00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:16,677
♫♫

9
00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:40,475
Mary Dinkle's eyes were the colour
of muddy puddles.

10
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:42,869
Her birthmark, the colour of poo.

11
00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:50,389
(Dogs whimper)

12
00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:56,516
(Dogs bark)

13
00:02:56,640 --> 00:03:01,000
It was Saturday afternoon
and she was bored.

14
00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:04,959
Mary wished she had a friend
to play piggybacks with.

15
00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:10,198
(Dogs whimper)

16
00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:14,428
(Birdsong)

17
00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:21,351
Mary's mood ring, which she'd found
in a cereal box, was grey

18
00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:23,680
which, according to the chart,

19
00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:30,640
meant she was either pensive,
unconsciously ambitious or hungry.

20
00:03:30,640 --> 00:03:34,560
Her only friends were “The Noblets”
from her favourite cartoon.

21
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:37,920
They weren't the real ones
you bought in the shops

22
00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:42,120
but fake ones she had to make herself
from shells, gumnuts, pompoms

23
00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:47,080
and the chicken bones salvaged
from Friday night's takeaway.

24
00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:51,040
She had to make all her own toys,
and her favourites were Shrinkies—

25
00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:55,232
potato chip packets that
she had shrunk in the oven.

26
00:03:56,440 --> 00:03:58,908
(Machine squeaks and squelches)

27
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:02,160
Mary's father, Noel Norman Dinkle,

28
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:05,400
worked in a factory,
attaching the strings to tea bags.

29
00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:07,000
(Conveyor squeaks)

30
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,280
At show and tell, she told the class

31
00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:14,440
he could get as many free tea bags
as he wanted.

32
00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:18,200
Her favourite tea bag was Earl Grey.

33
00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:22,360
She loved saying “Earl Grey”

34
00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:27,520
and would like one day to marry
someone called Earl Grey.

35
00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:29,080
(Bagpipes play “Scotland the Brave”)

36
00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:31,040
They would live
in a castle in Scotland,

37
00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:33,560
have 9 babies, 2 ducks…
(Ducks quack)

38
00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:35,360
and a dog called Kevin.

39
00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:37,760
(Dog whimpers)

40
00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:41,440
Noel's hobby was to sit in his shed
and drink Baileys Irish Cream

41
00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:46,480
and stuff birds he'd found
on the side of the freeway.

42
00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:53,080
Mary wished he'd spend more time
with her and less with his dead friends.

43
00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:56,720
She also wished she had
some brothers and sisters.

44
00:04:56,720 --> 00:05:00,110
Her mother had told her
she was “an accident”.

45
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:04,000
How could someone be an accident?

46
00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:08,040
Grandpoppy Ralph had told her
that babies were deliberate

47
00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:11,350
and found by dads
at the bottom of their beer.

48
00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:16,480
Grandpoppy Ralph
had smelt like pickled onions

49
00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:21,600
and had been a member of the Frankston
Ice Breakers for 51 years.

50
00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:23,600
<i>Aaagh! Aaaaaghhh!
(Water splashes)</i>

51
00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:26,760
They swam in winter to feel alive.

52
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:32,800
Grandpoppy Ralph had said
it made his nipples erect.

53
00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:35,400
He had died the year before, aged 74,

54
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:40,720
and his best mate, Ken,
had recited a poem in his honour.

55
00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:44,040
<i>(Ken): Born in a barn
in the hills of Boronia,</i>

56
00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:45,840
<i>Ralph Lived a long life,</i>

57
00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:49,360
<i>then died
of pneumonia.</i>

58
00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:50,350
Mary missed him

59
00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:54,880
and often wondered
why he had drunk ammonia.

60
00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:57,760
A lot of things puzzled Mary

61
00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:01,958
especially her mother,
Vera Lorraine Dinkle.

62
00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:06,960
To Mary, Vera always seemed wobbly.

63
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:10,040
<i>(Radio): A pretty vicious ball.
And he's out!</i>

64
00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:13,868
Vera liked listening
to the cricket while baking

65
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:17,920
and her main ingredient
was always sherry.

66
00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:21,000
<i>(Radio): 3/44. And Thompson 2/15…</i>

67
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:23,840
She told Mary it was a type of tea
for grown-ups

68
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:26,760
that needed constant testing.

69
00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:30,480
<i>(Radio): Just out of the reach
of the lead. 6/96 England.</i>

70
00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:32,397
(Door slams)

71
00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:34,677
(Dishwasher starts)

72
00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:39,720
Mary thought her mother tested
the sherry… (she farts)… way too much.

73
00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:41,079
(Snores)

74
00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:47,680
Mary also couldn't understand
why Vera was always “borrowing”.

75
00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:52,600
Yesterday, she borrowed
some fish fingers from Aisle 6.

76
00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:56,956
She told Mary she put things
up her dress to save on plastic bags.

77
00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:03,838
Vera was indeed a complicated soul.

78
00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:07,913
(Thunder, rain pattering)

79
00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:15,754
(Knock at door)
(Mary): Oooh!

80
00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:17,160
Mary stopped daydreaming

81
00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:20,400
and went and fetched
her pet rooster from the rain.

82
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:21,953
(Door squeaks)

83
00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:26,080
Her father had found the rooster
on the side of the freeway

84
00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:30,160
after it had fallen off the back
of a slaughter truck.

85
00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:32,151
She named him Ethel.

86
00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:35,322
(TV plays “The Noblets” theme music )

87
00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:40,032
It was time to watch “The Noblets”.
She adored “The Noblets”

88
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:43,948
because everyone was brown,
lived in a teapot

89
00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:47,640
and had oodles of friends.

90
00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:50,320
There was nothing nicer,
Mary thought to herself,

91
00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:52,920
than the smell of a wet rooster…
(She sniffs)

92
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:54,760
the sound of rain on the roof

93
00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:59,080
and the taste of sweetened
condensed milk straight from the can

94
00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:03,198
while watching your favourite cartoon.

95
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:05,758
(She swallows)

96
00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:12,236
(Jazzy Russian folk music)

97
00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:22,553
(Gunshots)

98
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:26,150
♫♫

99
00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:35,629
(Distant traffic noise)

100
00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:39,471
♫♫

101
00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:46,520
(TV plays “The Noblets” theme music)

102
00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:51,116
Meanwhile, a man called Max Horowitz
also watched “The Noblets”.

103
00:08:53,920 --> 00:08:58,200
Max's small television
had picture but no sound.

104
00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:02,720
His big television, sound but no picture.

105
00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:05,000
He was 44 and liked “The Noblets”

106
00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:08,720
as they lived in a delineated
and articulated social structure

107
00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:11,960
with constant adherent conformity

108
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:15,714
and also because they had
oodles of friends.

109
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:19,678
Max had trouble sleeping

110
00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:25,880
and had spent the night watching
television and catching fish food.

111
00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:30,351
He noted to himself it was the sixth fly
he'd caught this evening.

112
00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:34,315
(Clock chimes)

113
00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:37,760
He wondered if he should go to bed
and count sheep

114
00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:41,440
or have one more chocolate hotdog.

115
00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:45,720
He thought he'd try both
but it didn't work.

116
00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:51,960
It had been 6 hours and 12 minutes since
Henry VIII had passed away.

117
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:55,160
And Henry's death
had thrown Max's life into disarray.

118
00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:56,280
(Mournful Russian folk music)

119
00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:58,200
(Mournful Russian folk music)
It had become asymmetrical

120
00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:01,755
and the sooner
he got a new fish, the better.

121
00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:04,518
(Toilet flushes)

122
00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:08,360
Tomorrow he would go to the pet store
and get another Henry—

123
00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:10,197
Henry IX.

124
00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:13,872
(Wind vane squeaks)

125
00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:18,153
(Quiet, uplifting piano and orchestra)

126
00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:25,760
(Footsteps and traffic noise)

127
00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:28,600
<i>(Man): Next.</i>

128
00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:30,000
It was shopping day

129
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:36,880
and Mary sat patiently while her mother
(erm…) “borrowed” some envelopes.

130
00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:39,520
To fill in time, she scanned the room

131
00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:42,400
and counted how many things
were brown.

132
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,760
There was sticky tape, rubber bands

133
00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:49,160
and a phone book with a picture
of a lady standing in a brown lake

134
00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:51,196
with her hand on fire.

135
00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:57,800
People had weird names in America,
Mary Daisy Dinkle thought to herself.

136
00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:02,600
Funny-sounding people called
Rockefeller and Finkelstein.

137
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:05,800
She wondered what they looked like,
how old they were

138
00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:11,560
and if they were married, wore glasses,
or had found babies in their beer.

139
00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:14,640
(Baby gurgles) Maybe in the USA
they found babies elsewhere.

140
00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:17,280
(Mary): Hmm…
They drank a lot of cola.

141
00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:20,640
Maybe they found them in cans.
(Baby gurgles)

142
00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:23,320
But, no, they wouldn't fit
through the hole.

143
00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:24,680
(Disappointed gurgle)

144
00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:27,720
(Lightbulb tings)
Mary had an idea.

145
00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:33,640
She would write to one of the Americans
and ask where babies came from.

146
00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:37,349
She chose a Mr M Horowitz.

147
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,720
(She inhales, then coughs)

148
00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:44,712
(Tense, dramatic orchestra)

149
00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:48,920
<i>(Postmaster): Aarrgh,
Mrs Dinkle!</i>

150
00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:53,720
<i>Come back here,
Vera Dinkle!
You come back here!</i>

151
00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:54,954
<i>Aaarghhhh!</i>

152
00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:59,040
(Mary): Dear Mr M Horowitz,

153
00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:02,960
my name is Mary Daisy Dinkle

154
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:08,671
and I am 8 years old,
3 months and 9 days.

155
00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:11,240
My favourite colour is brown

156
00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:15,160
and my favourite food
is sweetened condensed milk

157
00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:18,680
followed closely by chocolate.

158
00:12:18,680 --> 00:12:23,480
I have a rooster called Ethel
that looks like this.

159
00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:26,160
He doesn't lay eggs but will one day.

160
00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:27,513
(Pop! )

161
00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:30,876
My mother likes smoking,
cricket and sherry

162
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:36,280
and my father likes playing in his shed
with dead birds.

163
00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:39,000
Where do babies come from
in America?

164
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,040
Do they come from cola cans?

165
00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:45,352
In Australia
they are found in beer glasses.

166
00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:46,920
Here is a drawing of me.

167
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:50,157
I can't draw ears proper
but I'm good at teeth.

168
00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:55,520
It would be great if you could write back
and be my friend.

169
00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:59,354
Yours “sincerealy”, Mary Daisy Dinkle.

170
00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:05,560
P.S: I hope you like the chocolate bar
I'm also sending.

171
00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:07,276
It's called a Cherry Ripe.

172
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:10,991
(Dogs bark and rooster crows)

173
00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:21,517
(She strains)

174
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:24,174
Goodbye, letter. Don't forget to write.

175
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:30,070
(Jazzy Russian folk music)

176
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,630
(Max wheezes)

177
00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:50,118
(Lift bell dings)

178
00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:57,280
(Narrator): Max hated Thursdays—

179
00:13:57,280 --> 00:14:01,159
the day of his weekly
Overeaters Anonymous meeting.

180
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:04,600
And tonight he'd felt
especially unsettled

181
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:09,080
because he'd eaten two chocolate
hotdogs on his way there.

182
00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:10,200
<i>(Teacher): OK, class…</i>

183
00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:13,630
Eating chocolate was breaking the rules.

184
00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:16,600
He'd found the night
even more unbearable

185
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:19,360
because of Marjorie Butterworth's
strange glances.

186
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,000
<i>(Teacher):
Class dismissed.</i>

187
00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:26,560
Max had trouble understanding
non-verbal signals.

188
00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:30,189
Flirting was as foreign to him
as jogging.

189
00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:32,831
(Lift bell dings repeatedly)

190
00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:39,235
Max found most people very confusing.

191
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:42,080
But little did Max realise

192
00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:46,511
his night was about to become
even more confusing and cryptic.

193
00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:51,309
<i>(Max): Hmm.</i>

194
00:14:53,760 --> 00:15:01,269
He read Mary's letter four times
and then did what he normally did

195
00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:04,858
whenever confronted
with something new and stressful.

196
00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:07,635
(Mutters anxiously)

197
00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:12,513
(Jazzy Russian folk music)

198
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:21,240
Max's fragile existence
had once again become unsettled.

199
00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:25,000
And after staring out of the window
for 18 hours

200
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,080
he finally made a decision.

201
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:28,957
(Takes a deep breath)

202
00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:38,000
(“Typewriter music” plays quickly
in time with Max's typing)

203
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:50,760
(Max): Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,

204
00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:54,960
thank you for the letter,
which I opened and read at 9:17pm

205
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:59,715
after my Overeaters Anonymous class.

206
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:01,600
I am trying to lose weight

207
00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:04,880
because my psychiatrist,
Dr Bernard Hazelhof,

208
00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:08,350
says a healthy body
equals a healthy mind.

209
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:10,440
Ooooh!

210
00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:14,228
He says my mind is not that healthy.

211
00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:19,600
Your drawing is an interesting
visual portrayal of yourself.

212
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,520
I have never met anyone from Australia.

213
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:25,432
Firstly, I will answer your question.

214
00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:33,360
Unfortunately, in America,
babies are not found in cola cans.

215
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:36,080
I asked my mother when I was four

216
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:41,234
and she said they came from eggs
laid by rabbis.

217
00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:44,640
If you aren't Jewish,
they're laid by Catholic nuns.

218
00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:49,480
If you're an atheist,
they're laid by dirty, lonely prostitutes.

219
00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:53,320
So this is where babies come from
in America.

220
00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:55,640
I share my home with a fish,

221
00:16:55,640 --> 00:17:01,240
some snails, whom I have named
after famous scientists…

222
00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:05,720
(Bird squawks)
a parakeet called Mr Biscuit

223
00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:08,480
and, finally, a cat called Hal.

224
00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:14,920
“Hal” is an abbreviation for halitosis,
from which he suffers.

225
00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:17,320
He followed me home
after a gang of children

226
00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:19,360
shot his eye out with a beebee gun.

227
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:20,600
(Miaows meekly)

228
00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:23,240
Do you have a pet kangaroo?

229
00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:27,240
When I was born, my father
left my mother and me on a kibbutz.

230
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:30,560
She shot herself with my uncle's gun
when I was six.

231
00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:32,520
(Gunshot)

232
00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:34,240
Do you like chocolate hotdogs?

233
00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:39,200
I invented the recipe for them
and can send it to you.

234
00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:45,360
When I was young, I invented
an invisible friend called Mr Ravioli.

235
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:48,440
My psychiatrist says
I don't need him anymore

236
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:52,035
so he just sits in the corner and reads.

237
00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:56,120
(Traffic noise)

238
00:17:56,120 --> 00:18:01,840
Last week I picked up
128 cigarette butts.

239
00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:04,880
People are always littering in New York.

240
00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:09,440
I do not understand
why people break laws.

241
00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:12,560
Butts are bad
because they wash out to sea

242
00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:17,680
and fish smoke them
and become nicotine dependent.

243
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:21,080
I am just joking because, of course,

244
00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:25,920
it is impossible for a cigarette
to remain lit underwater.

245
00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:30,391
Also, fish do not have pockets
to keep cigarette lighters in.

246
00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:34,191
(Max farts)

247
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:37,360
I am 44 years old

248
00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:40,840
and have 8 tracksuits
the same colour and size.

249
00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:44,040
(Scales rattle)

250
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,400
I weigh 352 lb…

251
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:48,400
<i>Ooooh!</i>

252
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:50,868
and am as tall as a 6-foot tree.

253
00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:53,360
<i>(TV): Welcome to the
New York Lottery!</i>

254
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,120
I enjoy entering the lottery

255
00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:58,760
and have chosen the same numbers
for 9 years.

256
00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:01,720
Those numbers are 3…
(TV): 1.

257
00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:03,720
5…
(TV): 4.

258
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:05,680
6…
(TV): 25.

259
00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:07,240
9…
(TV): 2.

260
00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:08,720
11…
(TV): 7.

261
00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:10,920
And 12.
(TV): 8.

262
00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:12,911
(Applause on TV, Max sighs)

263
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,120
<i>Are you a winner?</i>

264
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:16,810
<i>Or a Loser?</i>

265
00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:20,080
I have had many different jobs
during my life.

266
00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:25,840
My first job was collecting
subway tokens in the subway.

267
00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:29,160
My second job was at Yiddel's
Gourmet Kosher Supplies

268
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:33,720
where I worked at the machine that made
pre-packaged noodle kugels.

269
00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:37,360
I was born Jewish
and used to believe in God

270
00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:38,920
but I've since read many books

271
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:43,360
that have proven God
is just a figment of my imagination.

272
00:19:43,360 --> 00:19:47,080
People like to believe in God because
it answers complicated questions

273
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:50,560
like where did the universe come from,

274
00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:51,720
do worms go to heaven…

275
00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:53,200
do worms go to heaven…
(Squish)

276
00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:56,277
and why do old ladies have blue hair?

277
00:19:56,360 --> 00:19:58,080
Even though I'm an atheist,

278
00:19:58,120 --> 00:20:02,520
I still wear my yarmulke
as it keeps my brain warm.

279
00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:08,680
My third job was for a company
that printed logos on novelty items.

280
00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:12,040
I worked at the frisbee printing machine.
(Machine creaks and squelches)

281
00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:17,360
A frisbee is a circular plastic disc
that people throw at each other.

282
00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:19,032
It is like a boomerang

283
00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:22,912
but it does not come back.

284
00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:27,749
My fourth job was when
I was called up for jury duty.

285
00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:33,280
I didn't get paid much
but got free cookies and coffee.

286
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:36,716
Jurors are outstanding members
of the community

287
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,520
who haven't murdered anybody.

288
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:41,120
I made it to the short list

289
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:44,516
for a trial where a man
killed all his friends

290
00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:47,560
at his own surprise birthday party.

291
00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:51,200
Unfortunately, I didn't get selected
because they found out

292
00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:53,600
I'd been a mental patient at one point.

293
00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:54,880
(Pop! )

294
00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:57,480
Have you ever been hang gliding?

295
00:20:57,480 --> 00:21:01,040
My fifth job was as a garbage collector.

296
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:05,680
I got to clean up after litterbugs
and didn't have to talk to anybody.

297
00:21:05,680 --> 00:21:09,240
Sometimes I used to pretend
I was an intergalactical robot.

298
00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:11,236
(Makes robotic sounds)

299
00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:22,920
<i>(Operator): This is 911.
Your call has been placed in a queue.</i>

300
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:26,000
One time the police took me in
for questioning

301
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:29,520
but let me go when they decided
I wasn't a threat to anybody

302
00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:31,560
except myself.

303
00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:33,720
(Loud military brass band)

304
00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:39,280
The sixth job I had
was for the United States Army

305
00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:42,840
in the stationery supply department.
(Sighs)

306
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:44,640
Because I am good with numbers

307
00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:48,880
I had to work out how many
ballpoint pens the Army needed.

308
00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:51,080
One day they did a security check

309
00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:54,840
and asked whether I was a member
of any radical groups.

310
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:59,120
I told them I was a member of
the New York Science Fiction Fan Club.

311
00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:04,040
They said this didn't count
but dismissed me anyway.

312
00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:09,240
Fortunately, I did not remember
to tell them I was once a communist.

313
00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:11,629
Have you ever been a communist?

314
00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:16,840
Have you ever been attacked by a crow
or similar large bird?

315
00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:19,560
When I was 9, a crow attacked me
on my way to school.

316
00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:21,909
(Max gasps, crow caws)

317
00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:28,000
I had to have three stitches

318
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:32,092
and in spring I now wear a helmet
with eyes I have painted on.

319
00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:34,960
People laugh at me
when I wear my helmet.

320
00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:37,200
(Man laughs)
I'm not sure why.

321
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:41,800
People often confuse me
but I try not to let them worry me.

322
00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:44,189
(Traffic noise)

323
00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:47,560
New York is a very busy
and noisy place.

324
00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:50,040
I would prefer to live
somewhere much quieter

325
00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:52,355
like the moon.

326
00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:58,400
I don't like crowds, bright lights,
sudden noises or strong smells.

327
00:22:58,400 --> 00:23:01,120
New York has all these

328
00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:02,880
especially the smells.

329
00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:04,080
(Max inhales)

330
00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:07,600
I often wear nose and ear plugs
when I go outside.

331
00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:10,800
It helps keep me calm.

332
00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:16,320
I find humans interesting but I have
trouble understanding them.

333
00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:21,155
I think, however,
I will understand and trust you.

334
00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:27,320
You appear very happy and I think
you would smell like a shrimp

335
00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:30,551
as I know Australia
has a lot of shrimps.

336
00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:34,280
Can you speed-read?

337
00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:37,560
I have taught myself to read
two pages at once—

338
00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:40,680
one eyeball per page.

339
00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:42,000
I have to go now

340
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:44,920
even though I have not told you
about my 7th job,

341
00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:47,720
in a condom factory.

342
00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:49,360
Write back soon.

343
00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:55,800
Your American friend,
Max Jerry Horowitz.

344
00:23:55,800 --> 00:24:00,560
P.S: Please find enclosed
a photo from one of those booths.

345
00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:04,360
PPS. Thank you for the Cherry Ripe

346
00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:07,800
and I am glad you like chocolate
as much as I do.

347
00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:10,640
I have never eaten
sweetened condensed milk

348
00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:13,760
but I will try some this week.

349
00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:18,231
PPPS. I have never used a condom.

350
00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:20,276
Gey gezunterheyt.

351
00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:25,720
(Narrator): Max hoped
Mary would write again.

352
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:28,680
He'd always wanted a friend.

353
00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:35,360
A friend that wasn't invisible,
a pet or rubber figurine.

354
00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:40,160
He counted the stars and wondered
how many days, hours, minutes

355
00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:44,676
it would take his letter
to reach Australia.

356
00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:49,320
(Frantic orchestral music)

357
00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:51,550
Vera was not impressed…

358
00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:55,520
<i>Aaaarrgh!</i>

359
00:24:55,520 --> 00:24:58,880
not impressed at all.

360
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:04,680
This nutcase would not be her daughter's
penfriend, she thought.

361
00:25:04,680 --> 00:25:07,520
There was enough ugliness in the world.

362
00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:10,120
Mary would be home from school
in an hour—

363
00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:14,840
enough time for another cup of tea
and a bit of cricket to soothe the nerves

364
00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:19,200
and dissolve the memory of Max's letter
from her pickled mind.

365
00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:25,734
<i>(Radio): Yeah, he's out.
Unbelievable.
14. England 7/150.</i>

366
00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:29,438
(Truck whines and rumbles)

367
00:25:41,360 --> 00:25:45,069
(Dark, menacing music)

368
00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:56,520
<i>(Vera shouts): Stop! Wait!</i>

369
00:25:56,520 --> 00:26:01,280
<i>Hey, fellas, you got room
for one more bag?</i>

370
00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:04,880
<i>Sure, Mrs Dinkle.
Hop in! (Laughs)</i>

371
00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:07,400
<i>(Garbage man 2): Good
one, Kevin!</i>

372
00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:09,720
<i>Aaaarghhh!</i>

373
00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:12,029
(Thud! Men laugh)

374
00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:18,884
<i>(Garbage man):
Come on, Vera. We've got some
other bags to pick up!</i>

375
00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:23,960
(Rippling piano and strings)

376
00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:27,396
<i>Ooh. Hmm.</i>

377
00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:34,000
<i>Mary, is that all the rubbish?</i>

378
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:35,960
<i>Yep!</i>

379
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:38,480
<i>(Garbage man):
See ya, Toots!</i>

380
00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:42,018
<i>(Vera): Sweet
baby Jesus.</i>

381
00:26:49,360 --> 00:26:51,635
(Thud! ) Ooooah!

382
00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:54,400
(Rippling piano and strings)

383
00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:59,309
Even though Max's letter smelt
like fish heads and orange peel,

384
00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:03,400
Mary drank his words
like a bowl of alphabet soup

385
00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:05,600
and hadn't been this excited

386
00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:10,799
since Grandpoppy Ralph
had found a coin up her nose.

387
00:27:10,880 --> 00:27:12,400
She wrote back immediately

388
00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:16,880
on some butchers' paper
she'd stolen from some chops.

389
00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:20,800
(Mary): Dear Max,
I'm so excited you've wroted back.

390
00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:24,680
I don't think my parents like you
so from now on

391
00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:27,840
send stuff to my neighbour Len Hislop

392
00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:32,755
at 26 Lamington Drive,
Mt Waverley.

393
00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:35,680
He's old with no legs.

394
00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:38,360
They got chew'd'ed off
in World War II

395
00:27:38,360 --> 00:27:42,120
when some Japanese peoples
kept him in a cage above piranhas.

396
00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:44,080
(Screams)

397
00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:47,311
Piranhas are goldfish that have teeth.

398
00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:54,160
He's scared of outside,
which is a disease called homophobia.

399
00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:56,480
(Magpie warbles, Len gasps)

400
00:27:56,480 --> 00:27:59,920
He's started giving me 50 cents a week
to get his mail.

401
00:27:59,960 --> 00:28:01,080
(Bagpipes play “Scotland the Brave”)

402
00:28:01,120 --> 00:28:07,760
I'm saving to buy a castle in Scotland
and marry a man called Earl Grey.

403
00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:10,160
Do you get “The Noblets” in America?

404
00:28:10,160 --> 00:28:14,000
Well, my favourite Noblet
is Vanity Noblet.

405
00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:19,640
He wants to be everyone's friend,
even the boys'!

406
00:28:19,640 --> 00:28:23,200
In your letter, you said
you had no friends. (Munching).

407
00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:25,440
Well, neither do I.

408
00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:28,079
<i>A-ha!</i>

409
00:28:28,160 --> 00:28:32,000
Yesterday at school, Bernie Clifford weed
on my spam sandwich

410
00:28:32,040 --> 00:28:36,040
and called me “poo face”
'cos of my birthmark.

411
00:28:36,040 --> 00:28:39,080
I wish I could peel it off like a bandaid.

412
00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:42,320
He also laughed
'cos I had no buttons.

413
00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:44,400
Ethel pecked them off

414
00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:48,720
and Mum couldn't thread a needle
'cos she'd been testing the sherry

415
00:28:48,760 --> 00:28:50,410
so she used pegs instead.

416
00:28:51,440 --> 00:28:53,360
(Lonely cello solo)

417
00:28:53,360 --> 00:28:59,674
When I got home, I climbed into
my secret place till dinner time.

418
00:28:59,760 --> 00:29:02,440
The other kids also laugh at my haircut.

419
00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:05,120
Dad has to cut my hair
because mum says

420
00:29:05,120 --> 00:29:08,120
real hairdressers
sell your hair to Chinamen

421
00:29:08,120 --> 00:29:09,640
who stuff mattresses.

422
00:29:09,640 --> 00:29:11,995
(Shears chomp)

423
00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:15,920
My teacher, Mrs Pendergast,
says I should smile more.

424
00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:20,675
I told my mum
and so she drawed a big smile on me.

425
00:29:23,600 --> 00:29:26,440
I don't think Mrs Pendergast
likes me anymore.

426
00:29:26,480 --> 00:29:28,960
(Mary groans, children laugh)

427
00:29:28,960 --> 00:29:31,760
(Lonely cello and piano)

428
00:29:31,760 --> 00:29:36,440
I better go now.
My tears are smudgling my words.

429
00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:41,840
Your friend in Australia,
Mary Daisy Dinkle. (Sniffs).

430
00:29:41,840 --> 00:29:48,800
PS: Have you ever been teased?
Can you help me?

431
00:29:48,800 --> 00:29:55,040
PSS. I've never been hang gliding
before or been a “commune-ist”

432
00:29:55,040 --> 00:30:00,080
but would love a frisbee
and your recipe for chocolate hotdogs.

433
00:30:00,080 --> 00:30:06,960
PSSS. I'm sending you some
Australian chocolate, a pompom I made

434
00:30:06,960 --> 00:30:11,316
and a cake called a lamington,
which I was meant to eat for lunch.

435
00:30:16,080 --> 00:30:18,913
(Lonely cello and piano)

436
00:30:28,800 --> 00:30:31,189
(Fly buzzes)

437
00:30:32,200 --> 00:30:35,920
(Sad clarinet and orchestra)

438
00:30:35,920 --> 00:30:39,600
<i>(Max): Have you ever
been teased?</i>

439
00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:41,870
<i>Ooooooooooaaaahhhh!</i>

440
00:30:42,000 --> 00:30:43,880
(Narrator): Mary's letter
triggered memories

441
00:30:43,920 --> 00:30:47,480
Max had buried deep down in his shoes.

442
00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:52,320
<i>(Bullies): We've
got him cornered now.
Hey, Jew-boy,
you're gonna pay…</i>

443
00:30:52,360 --> 00:30:57,920
<i>(Punching and groaning)
Take this, Jew-boy,
Jew-boy, Jew-boy.</i>

444
00:30:57,960 --> 00:30:59,560
(Max moans)

445
00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:03,599
And as usual,
he coped in the only way he knew.

446
00:31:04,120 --> 00:31:07,317
(Max moans gently)

447
00:31:13,240 --> 00:31:15,720
And 36 chocolate hotdogs later…

448
00:31:15,720 --> 00:31:16,789
(Max burps)

449
00:31:17,360 --> 00:31:20,800
and after only two hours sleep,

450
00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:27,760
Max's meltdown faded away
and an idea popped into his brain.

451
00:31:27,760 --> 00:31:29,760
(Ting! )

452
00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:32,593
(Max): Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,

453
00:31:32,680 --> 00:31:38,400
thank you for your letter, chocolate bar,
lamington and pompom.

454
00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:42,600
The chocolate got crushed, so I blended
the bits with milk and icecream

455
00:31:42,640 --> 00:31:45,154
and now I am drinking it right now.

456
00:31:45,640 --> 00:31:48,029
(Slurps)

457
00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:52,320
After much thought, I think I have
a solution to your teasing.

458
00:31:52,320 --> 00:31:56,082
Tell Bernie Clifford
your birthmark is made of chocolate,

459
00:31:57,120 --> 00:31:59,120
which means when you get to heaven

460
00:31:59,160 --> 00:32:02,680
you will be in charge
of all the chocolate.

461
00:32:02,680 --> 00:32:06,320
This of course is a lie—
I do not like lies—

462
00:32:06,320 --> 00:32:10,029
but in this case
I think it will be of benefit.

463
00:32:10,120 --> 00:32:13,880
I wish I could be in charge
of all the chocolate

464
00:32:13,880 --> 00:32:18,351
but, of course, I cannot
because of my atheism. (Pop! ).

465
00:32:20,440 --> 00:32:23,000
My neighbour Ivy is also an atheist.
(Water bubbles).

466
00:32:23,040 --> 00:32:29,280
She doesn't talk much but makes me
very good soup on Sunday nights.

467
00:32:29,280 --> 00:32:31,240
She is partly blind

468
00:32:31,240 --> 00:32:35,800
and sometimes I find her hair
in my soup. Eeugh!

469
00:32:35,800 --> 00:32:42,960
I do not tell her as Dr Bernard Hazelhof
says this would be (farts) impolite.

470
00:32:42,960 --> 00:32:46,480
Here is a list of what I eat
on the other nights.

471
00:32:46,480 --> 00:32:48,760
Mondays: Glicks Potato Knish,

472
00:32:48,760 --> 00:32:51,760
Tuesdays: Yiddels Noodle Kugel,

473
00:32:51,760 --> 00:32:55,000
Wednesdays:
Captain Salty's Fishstix,

474
00:32:55,000 --> 00:32:57,640
Thursdays: Yentls Cheezy Blintz

475
00:32:57,640 --> 00:33:00,916
and Fridays: chicken nuggets.

476
00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:04,400
On Saturday nights
I create my own recipes.

477
00:33:04,400 --> 00:33:08,760
Last week I invented
canned spaghetti hamburgers.

478
00:33:08,760 --> 00:33:12,040
Recipes are like
mathematical equations.

479
00:33:12,040 --> 00:33:18,720
Dr Bernard Hazelhof told me you should
never weigh more than your refrigerator

480
00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:23,440
and to never eat
anything bigger than your head.

481
00:33:23,440 --> 00:33:27,194
I once ate a watermelon
bigger than my head

482
00:33:27,320 --> 00:33:30,118
but not all at once.

483
00:33:30,200 --> 00:33:33,880
Do you have
any weight loss suggestions?

484
00:33:33,880 --> 00:33:36,840
My Overeaters Anonymous meetings
don't seem to be working

485
00:33:36,880 --> 00:33:39,880
and just make me tense.

486
00:33:39,880 --> 00:33:41,880
(Groans anxiously)

487
00:33:41,880 --> 00:33:44,440
(Slurps loudly)

488
00:33:46,120 --> 00:33:49,320
It would be good
if there was a “Fat Fairy”.

489
00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:50,958
(Snores)

490
00:33:51,040 --> 00:33:55,528
She would be a bit like the Tooth Fairy
but would suck out your fat.

491
00:33:59,040 --> 00:34:00,189
(Water bubbling)

492
00:34:00,280 --> 00:34:05,840
Ivy says she is only a “little bit” blind
but I think she is very blind.

493
00:34:05,840 --> 00:34:09,536
She should get a cane
like other vision-impaired people.

494
00:34:10,400 --> 00:34:12,880
She could make the end pointy
(Ching! )

495
00:34:12,920 --> 00:34:15,362
And collect rubbish at the same time.

496
00:34:16,720 --> 00:34:20,440
I think I will write a letter to the Mayor
and suggest this.

497
00:34:20,480 --> 00:34:24,040
He will be very impressed.

498
00:34:24,040 --> 00:34:29,120
Ivy says she doesn't need a cane
because she has a good sense of smell.

499
00:34:29,120 --> 00:34:30,920
(Ivy sniffs)

500
00:34:30,920 --> 00:34:36,000
She says she could find me
with her eyes stapled shut.

501
00:34:36,000 --> 00:34:40,232
She says I smell like liquorice
and old books.

502
00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:43,479
(Crash! )

503
00:34:44,120 --> 00:34:49,400
I think she smells like cough medicine
and urine.

504
00:34:49,400 --> 00:34:51,280
I have never told her this

505
00:34:51,280 --> 00:34:56,520
as Dr Bernard Hazelhof said
this would also be impolite.

506
00:34:56,520 --> 00:34:59,160
(Lift bell dings, lift doors clank shut)

507
00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:03,252
People often think
I am tactless and rude.

508
00:35:03,320 --> 00:35:06,120
(Farts)

509
00:35:06,120 --> 00:35:12,280
I cannot understand how
being honest can be… improper.

510
00:35:12,280 --> 00:35:17,800
Maybe this is why
I don't have any friends

511
00:35:17,800 --> 00:35:19,518
of course except for you.

512
00:35:20,600 --> 00:35:23,760
A real friend has been
one of my three goals in life.

513
00:35:23,800 --> 00:35:25,720
(Bubbles pop, satisfied groan)

514
00:35:25,760 --> 00:35:31,835
The other two are to own every Noblet
and a lifetime supply of chocolate.

515
00:35:33,880 --> 00:35:38,200
Dr Bernard Hazelhof says
it is good to have goals

516
00:35:38,200 --> 00:35:43,120
but not stupid ones like mine.

517
00:35:43,120 --> 00:35:45,826
I have now run out of things to tell you.

518
00:35:48,320 --> 00:35:50,360
Please, write soon.

519
00:35:50,360 --> 00:35:56,160
Your friend in America,
Max Jerry Horowitz.

520
00:35:56,160 --> 00:36:00,440
P.S: Do not worry about not smiling.

521
00:36:00,440 --> 00:36:02,880
My mouth hardly ever smiles

522
00:36:02,880 --> 00:36:07,520
but it does not mean
I am not smiling inside my brain.

523
00:36:07,520 --> 00:36:09,440
(Jazzy Russian folk music)

524
00:36:09,440 --> 00:36:13,680
PPS. Please find enclosed a frisbee,

525
00:36:13,680 --> 00:36:16,840
some Chocolate Pop Rocks,
which you should eat with cola,

526
00:36:16,880 --> 00:36:22,637
and an illustration of a turtle
from one of my National Geographics.

527
00:36:22,720 --> 00:36:27,999
PPPS. Did you know that turtles
can breathe through their anuses?

528
00:36:30,240 --> 00:36:32,117
(Quirky strings)

529
00:36:32,200 --> 00:36:34,000
Dear Max,

530
00:36:34,000 --> 00:36:35,960
when I told Bernie Clifford

531
00:36:35,960 --> 00:36:39,680
I'll be in charge of all the chocolate
in heaven and he wouldn't get any,

532
00:36:39,720 --> 00:36:41,080
he cried.

533
00:36:41,080 --> 00:36:42,720
(Wails)

534
00:36:42,720 --> 00:36:48,040
I also hide'd some dog's poo
in his bit of the sandpit.

535
00:36:48,040 --> 00:36:52,158
Your advice was great and
I've got a job delivering pamphlets

536
00:36:52,240 --> 00:36:55,320
so I can save to come and see you.

537
00:36:55,320 --> 00:36:57,360
I am sad to hear you are fat.

538
00:36:57,360 --> 00:37:01,558
Mum says I am fat too
and I'm growing up to be a heifer,

539
00:37:01,640 --> 00:37:05,280
which I think is a type of cow.

540
00:37:05,280 --> 00:37:09,560
Maybe you should only eat things
beginning with the letter of each day.

541
00:37:09,600 --> 00:37:12,000
On Mondays you could only eat

542
00:37:12,000 --> 00:37:17,520
milkshakes, marshmallows
and… mustard.

543
00:37:17,520 --> 00:37:19,080
<i>Oooh!</i>

544
00:37:19,080 --> 00:37:22,600
(High rippling piano, pizzicato strings)

545
00:37:22,600 --> 00:37:27,120
For my birthday, my Mum baked a cake
and Dad gave me a camera.

546
00:37:27,120 --> 00:37:28,553
(Camera clicks)

547
00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:31,520
I hope you like the photos I sent.

548
00:37:31,520 --> 00:37:34,840
The first one is of Ethel,
who ate some tinsel.

549
00:37:34,840 --> 00:37:37,360
The next one is one of myself

550
00:37:37,360 --> 00:37:42,320
after I ate the Chocolate Pop Rocks
with the cola, like you said.

551
00:37:42,320 --> 00:37:44,280
Next is Len.

552
00:37:44,280 --> 00:37:50,515
He's still trying hard not to be afraid of
outside and conquer his homophobia.

553
00:37:50,600 --> 00:37:53,840
(Len screams, dog barks, pole clangs)

554
00:37:53,840 --> 00:37:57,400
The next one is of dad in his shed,

555
00:37:57,400 --> 00:38:00,560
and then one of the times
I covered mum

556
00:38:00,560 --> 00:38:04,480
while she was asleep in her stickers
that help her stop smoking.

557
00:38:04,520 --> 00:38:08,720
Next, when I got my slinky
caught in my hair.

558
00:38:08,720 --> 00:38:13,480
Then one of the times Sonny
digged up his wife, Cher.

559
00:38:13,480 --> 00:38:20,000
And, finally, a photo of my other
neighbour Damian Popodopolous.

560
00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:24,000
He's a Greek and smells like
lemon dishwashing liquid

561
00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:29,240
and his skin is smooth,
like the back of a spoon.

562
00:38:29,240 --> 00:38:35,200
Mum says he's a wog and has a stutter
and can't even say his own surname.

563
00:38:35,200 --> 00:38:36,880
(He stutters)

564
00:38:36,880 --> 00:38:40,200
She says you have to hit him
on the back of the head

565
00:38:40,240 --> 00:38:41,626
to get his words out.

566
00:38:41,640 --> 00:38:43,480
<i>P-P-P-P… Popodopolous.</i>

567
00:38:43,520 --> 00:38:47,680
I wish he was my boyfriend
and we can be in love and do sexing

568
00:38:47,680 --> 00:38:50,840
like Katherine Ramsay told me
behind the bike shed.

569
00:38:50,880 --> 00:38:53,560
She said it's when two people
go “nuddy”

570
00:38:53,560 --> 00:38:56,860
and rub on each other to make babies.
(Squeaking).

571
00:38:57,040 --> 00:39:01,600
I told her she's a liar
and would go to hell and burn like toast

572
00:39:01,600 --> 00:39:04,360
'cos babies really come
from beer glasses

573
00:39:04,360 --> 00:39:08,512
and eggs laid by rabbits
and nuns and “prosti-tubes”.

574
00:39:08,600 --> 00:39:10,520
She said ladies get knocked up

575
00:39:10,560 --> 00:39:13,600
and bake babies in their stomachs
for 2 years

576
00:39:13,600 --> 00:39:18,320
till they spurt out their “vag-eye-ners”
with blood and tinned spaghetti.

577
00:39:18,360 --> 00:39:21,480
Have you got a girlfriend, Max,
or some wives?

578
00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:23,920
Have you done sexing?

579
00:39:23,920 --> 00:39:25,200
Valentine's Day is soon

580
00:39:25,240 --> 00:39:30,109
and I want to give Damian a present
so he can love me.

581
00:39:30,240 --> 00:39:33,200
Can you explain love
and how I can be “lover'd”?

582
00:39:33,240 --> 00:39:35,440
(Max screams)

583
00:39:35,440 --> 00:39:38,880
(Narrator): Once again, Mary's letter
had triggered an anxiety attack.

584
00:39:38,920 --> 00:39:40,239
(Heartbeat)

585
00:39:40,320 --> 00:39:42,360
Max knew nothing about love.

586
00:39:42,360 --> 00:39:46,160
It was as foreign to him as scuba diving

587
00:39:46,160 --> 00:39:50,073
and he'd had an appalling history
of getting it all wrong.

588
00:39:50,960 --> 00:39:52,560
One Valentine's Day

589
00:39:52,560 --> 00:39:57,554
he'd given Zelda Glutnik a gift
he was sure was appropriate.

590
00:39:59,560 --> 00:40:01,676
(Zelda screams)

591
00:40:03,200 --> 00:40:06,960
The only companion (Swallows)
That had ever warmed Max's bed

592
00:40:07,000 --> 00:40:08,956
was his hot water bottle.

593
00:40:10,560 --> 00:40:11,680
Romance and love

594
00:40:11,680 --> 00:40:14,752
was a mysterious language
he'd given up on.

595
00:40:15,520 --> 00:40:18,600
If only Mary had asked
how a toaster works

596
00:40:18,600 --> 00:40:22,000
or asked for an explanation
of the Chaos theory.

597
00:40:22,000 --> 00:40:26,278
If only there was
a mathematical equation for love.

598
00:40:27,840 --> 00:40:31,469
He kept eating and thinking.

599
00:40:36,280 --> 00:40:39,113
(Jazzy Russian folk music)

600
00:40:41,840 --> 00:40:44,877
(Kissing)

601
00:40:45,920 --> 00:40:51,720
But love was not like Max's
Rubik's Cube. It could not be solved.

602
00:40:51,720 --> 00:40:55,416
No matter how he analysed it,
the results were negative.

603
00:40:55,560 --> 00:40:57,280
<i>Beat it, creep!</i>

604
00:40:57,320 --> 00:41:00,600
He felt love but couldn't articulate it.

605
00:41:00,600 --> 00:41:04,798
Its logic was as foreign to him as…
as a salad sandwich.

606
00:41:07,000 --> 00:41:09,116
The stars made more sense.

607
00:41:13,800 --> 00:41:16,040
(Sirens wail)

608
00:41:16,040 --> 00:41:19,120
<i>(Radio): 12, have you responded
to the call? Over.</i>

609
00:41:19,160 --> 00:41:22,400
The anxiety and stress were too much.

610
00:41:22,400 --> 00:41:28,236
The inscrutability of love finally won,
and Max's brain gave in.

611
00:41:37,120 --> 00:41:40,520
He was diagnosed
with severe depression and obesity

612
00:41:40,520 --> 00:41:45,878
and spent the next 8 months
institutionalised and bedridden.

613
00:41:45,960 --> 00:41:49,080
They marinated him
in a cocktail of drugs

614
00:41:49,080 --> 00:41:52,595
and performed
the usual “therapeutic” procedures.

615
00:41:52,680 --> 00:41:55,478
(Electricity buzzes, Max gurgles)

616
00:41:57,800 --> 00:42:01,280
Meanwhile, Mary wondered and waited.

617
00:42:01,280 --> 00:42:02,960
(Lonely cello and piano)

618
00:42:02,960 --> 00:42:05,918
Maybe Max's typewriter
had run out of ink.

619
00:42:06,240 --> 00:42:09,630
Maybe America had run out of ink.

620
00:42:10,200 --> 00:42:12,509
Maybe his pets had eaten him.

621
00:42:13,760 --> 00:42:15,990
Maybe it was her.

622
00:42:16,080 --> 00:42:20,471
Was she too demanding,
too boring, too… ugly?

623
00:42:22,440 --> 00:42:25,318
(Lonely cello and piano)

624
00:42:28,280 --> 00:42:32,068
Filled with anger, confusion
and self-loathing,

625
00:42:32,160 --> 00:42:36,790
Mary tried to erase
the memory of her friend forever.

626
00:42:41,360 --> 00:42:44,193
(Jazzy Russian folk music)

627
00:42:53,680 --> 00:42:55,716
(Toilet flushes)

628
00:43:04,880 --> 00:43:06,632
(Knock at door)

629
00:43:09,840 --> 00:43:12,434
(Knocking gets louder)

630
00:43:15,200 --> 00:43:16,519
(Groaning)

631
00:43:18,640 --> 00:43:20,870
(Cat miaows meekly)

632
00:43:24,200 --> 00:43:25,394
Max had recovered.

633
00:43:25,480 --> 00:43:30,110
And life was balanced, safe
and symmetrical once again.

634
00:43:32,840 --> 00:43:37,160
But Mary still lingered in his mind.
(Sighs).

635
00:43:37,160 --> 00:43:39,800
Half of him wanted to write to her
immediately.

636
00:43:39,840 --> 00:43:44,160
The other half didn't want to end up
a mental patient again.

637
00:43:44,160 --> 00:43:49,040
At least there was always Mr Ravioli
to be friends with.

638
00:43:49,040 --> 00:43:51,918
He was a much safer option.

639
00:43:52,920 --> 00:43:56,674
He wondered what Mary was doing
right now.

640
00:43:57,600 --> 00:44:00,280
But she was far from content

641
00:44:00,280 --> 00:44:06,116
and struggled on by herself,
saving her money for a rainy day.

642
00:44:08,080 --> 00:44:10,878
(Soprano, twinkling piano)

643
00:44:13,320 --> 00:44:15,480
Life went on as usual for Max

644
00:44:15,480 --> 00:44:19,200
and even though he opted
for order and stability,

645
00:44:19,200 --> 00:44:22,510
misfortune was never far away.

646
00:44:23,320 --> 00:44:26,039
(Spluttering and cracking)

647
00:44:27,720 --> 00:44:29,320
(Loud rushing noise)

648
00:44:29,320 --> 00:44:31,920
(Silence)

649
00:44:31,920 --> 00:44:33,640
(Loud rushing noise)

650
00:44:33,640 --> 00:44:35,756
(Silence)

651
00:44:35,840 --> 00:44:37,320
(Loud rushing noise)

652
00:44:37,320 --> 00:44:39,356
(Silence)

653
00:44:45,040 --> 00:44:47,235
(Loud crash)

654
00:44:50,640 --> 00:44:54,440
Luckily, his manslaughter charges
were dismissed (Gavel taps)

655
00:44:54,480 --> 00:44:57,320
Because he was labelled
mentally deficient

656
00:44:57,320 --> 00:45:01,360
and unlikely to have a motive
for killing a mime artist…

657
00:45:01,360 --> 00:45:02,475
<i>Oop.</i>

658
00:45:02,560 --> 00:45:04,039
unlike most people.

659
00:45:05,800 --> 00:45:09,280
From then on,
Max cooled himself differently

660
00:45:09,280 --> 00:45:11,680
and things went back to normal

661
00:45:11,680 --> 00:45:17,400
until after his 48th birthday,
when his numbers finally came up.

662
00:45:17,400 --> 00:45:19,680
<i>(TV announcer): Welcome
to the New York Lottery</i>

663
00:45:19,720 --> 00:45:21,800
<i>and these are tonight's
winning numbers -</i>

664
00:45:21,840 --> 00:45:25,000
<i>3, 5,</i>

665
00:45:25,000 --> 00:45:30,720
<i>6, 9,</i>

666
00:45:30,720 --> 00:45:36,431
<i>11 and 12!</i>

667
00:45:36,880 --> 00:45:40,031
(Joyous choral and orchestral music)

668
00:46:12,960 --> 00:46:15,336
(Light pings off, door slams closed)

669
00:46:16,480 --> 00:46:18,320
Max was sensible
with his sudden wealth

670
00:46:18,360 --> 00:46:21,480
and had bought a lifetime supply
of chocolate

671
00:46:21,480 --> 00:46:24,440
and the complete Noblet collection.

672
00:46:24,440 --> 00:46:28,440
<i>(TV plays “The Noblets”
theme music)</i>

673
00:46:28,480 --> 00:46:31,756
Two of his life goals had come true.

674
00:46:31,840 --> 00:46:34,680
But he still had a lot of money

675
00:46:34,680 --> 00:46:37,040
so decided to give it to Ivy…

676
00:46:37,040 --> 00:46:38,280
(Cash register chings)

677
00:46:38,320 --> 00:46:41,392
who was also very sensible…

678
00:46:43,080 --> 00:46:46,152
(Comical “60s-style” music)

679
00:46:47,560 --> 00:46:50,520
(Bones crack, she groans)

680
00:46:50,520 --> 00:46:53,398
(Drill whines, hammering)

681
00:46:57,720 --> 00:46:59,950
(Satisfied farting sounds)

682
00:47:08,400 --> 00:47:10,914
(Engines backfire and splutter)

683
00:47:13,760 --> 00:47:17,639
until her own numbers came up.

684
00:47:25,880 --> 00:47:29,720
Ivy willed everything
to the local cat shelter,

685
00:47:29,720 --> 00:47:34,640
whose owner relocated
her kind donation to his bank account,

686
00:47:34,640 --> 00:47:40,880
his wife's new breasts, a Ferrari
and enough fuel to get to Mexico.

687
00:47:40,880 --> 00:47:43,760
(Engine revs)

688
00:47:43,760 --> 00:47:45,478
(Musical horn)

689
00:47:48,400 --> 00:47:52,240
Despite achieving all his life's goals,

690
00:47:52,240 --> 00:47:56,560
Max still felt incomplete.
(Sighs).

691
00:47:56,560 --> 00:47:59,960
Mr Ravioli just wasn't
cutting the mustard anymore

692
00:47:59,960 --> 00:48:04,909
and seemed more interested
in his self-help books.

693
00:48:05,040 --> 00:48:08,280
Mary had given Max
a taste of real friendship

694
00:48:08,280 --> 00:48:11,636
and there was just no comparison.

695
00:48:12,280 --> 00:48:14,360
She missed him too

696
00:48:14,360 --> 00:48:17,158
but no longer saved to see him.
(Aah! ).

697
00:48:18,320 --> 00:48:22,074
(Coin clinks) She now saved
for a different reason.

698
00:48:24,160 --> 00:48:27,470
(Quiet, jazzy Russian folk music)

699
00:48:31,600 --> 00:48:36,993
One day Mr Ravioli got up,
left and never came back.

700
00:48:38,320 --> 00:48:40,168
(Whistling, thud! )
(Hisses)

701
00:48:40,840 --> 00:48:44,160
Max sought Dr Hazelhof's advice.

702
00:48:44,160 --> 00:48:45,546
(Speaks incoherently)

703
00:48:45,560 --> 00:48:50,440
He told Max that true friendship
is seen through the heart,

704
00:48:50,440 --> 00:48:52,360
not through the eyes,

705
00:48:52,360 --> 00:49:00,040
and that it was time he wrote to Mary
to reveal his true self, warts and all.

706
00:49:00,040 --> 00:49:02,918
Max understood.
(Sighs)

707
00:49:06,920 --> 00:49:11,311
(City sounds of roadworks
and pigeons)

708
00:49:19,640 --> 00:49:22,400
(Max): Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,

709
00:49:22,400 --> 00:49:24,868
there is something I have to tell you

710
00:49:24,960 --> 00:49:28,669
which will explain
why I have not written.

711
00:49:28,760 --> 00:49:34,949
Each time I received one of your letters,
I had a severe anxiety attack.

712
00:49:35,040 --> 00:49:39,520
This is because recently,
while I was in a mental institution,

713
00:49:39,520 --> 00:49:46,160
they diagnosed that I have a new thing
called Asperger's syndrome,

714
00:49:46,160 --> 00:49:53,200
which is a neurobiological,
pervasive, developmental disability.

715
00:49:53,200 --> 00:49:56,800
I prefer “Aspie” for short.

716
00:49:56,800 --> 00:50:00,600
I will now list some of the traits
of an Aspie.

717
00:50:00,600 --> 00:50:02,397
(Camera clicks)

718
00:50:03,000 --> 00:50:07,760
№1— I find the world
very confusing and chaotic

719
00:50:07,760 --> 00:50:12,920
because my mind
is very literal and logical.

720
00:50:12,920 --> 00:50:15,957
(Train rattles)

721
00:50:16,040 --> 00:50:22,195
2— I have trouble understanding
the expressions on people's faces.

722
00:50:22,280 --> 00:50:30,278
When I was younger, I made a book
to help me when I was confused.

723
00:50:31,600 --> 00:50:33,040
(Slap! )

724
00:50:33,040 --> 00:50:36,350
I still have trouble with some people.

725
00:50:36,480 --> 00:50:39,600
Ivy was hard to understand
because of her wrinkles

726
00:50:39,640 --> 00:50:43,076
and because her eyebrows weren't real.

727
00:50:44,280 --> 00:50:46,600
3— I have bad handwriting,

728
00:50:46,600 --> 00:50:49,520
am hypersensitive…
(Phone rings, Max gasps)

729
00:50:49,520 --> 00:50:52,160
clumsy

730
00:50:52,160 --> 00:50:55,516
and can get very concerned.
(Anxious murmuring)

731
00:50:58,920 --> 00:51:06,395
4— I like solving problems.
Ivy said this is a good thing.

732
00:51:06,520 --> 00:51:08,078
(Camera clicks)

733
00:51:08,880 --> 00:51:14,000
And finally №5—
I have trouble expressing my emotions.

734
00:51:14,000 --> 00:51:19,000
Dr Bernard Hazelhof says
my brain is defective

735
00:51:19,000 --> 00:51:24,480
but one day there will be a cure
for my disability.

736
00:51:24,480 --> 00:51:26,880
I do not like it when he says this.

737
00:51:26,880 --> 00:51:31,760
I do not feel disabled, defective
or I need to be cured.

738
00:51:31,760 --> 00:51:34,638
I like being an Aspie.

739
00:51:34,720 --> 00:51:38,793
It would be like trying to change
the colour of my eyes.

740
00:51:40,560 --> 00:51:44,520
There is one thing
I wish I could change, however.

741
00:51:44,520 --> 00:51:46,160
(Toilet flushes)

742
00:51:46,160 --> 00:51:48,680
I wish I could cry properly.

743
00:51:48,680 --> 00:51:51,080
(He groans softly)

744
00:51:51,080 --> 00:51:56,240
I squeeze and squeeze
but nothing… (he groans)… comes out.

745
00:51:56,240 --> 00:51:59,600
I cry when I cut onions
but this does not count.

746
00:51:59,600 --> 00:52:02,400
Anyway, do you like the word
“cumquat”?

747
00:52:02,400 --> 00:52:04,440
It is a type of fruit.

748
00:52:04,440 --> 00:52:07,159
Do you have
a favourite-sounding word?

749
00:52:07,240 --> 00:52:11,000
My top 5 are ointment, bumblebee,

750
00:52:11,000 --> 00:52:14,240
Vladivostok, banana

751
00:52:14,240 --> 00:52:16,117
and testicle.

752
00:52:17,840 --> 00:52:21,753
I have also invented some new words—

753
00:52:21,840 --> 00:52:28,951
“confuzzled”, which is being confused
and puzzled at the same time,

754
00:52:29,040 --> 00:52:33,636
“snirt”, which is a cross between
snow and dirt,

755
00:52:33,720 --> 00:52:36,040
and “smushables”…
(Grumbles)

756
00:52:36,040 --> 00:52:41,520
which are squashed groceries
you find at the bottom of the bag.

757
00:52:41,520 --> 00:52:45,360
I have sent a letter
to the Oxford Dictionary people

758
00:52:45,360 --> 00:52:48,640
asking them to include my words

759
00:52:48,640 --> 00:52:51,837
but I have not heard back.

760
00:52:51,920 --> 00:52:56,160
It is now time for me to go
to my Overeaters Anonymous meeting.

761
00:52:56,160 --> 00:52:59,640
There is a woman there
called Marjorie Buttersworth

762
00:52:59,640 --> 00:53:01,949
who confuzzles me.

763
00:53:02,040 --> 00:53:05,920
She kisses me without my permission

764
00:53:05,920 --> 00:53:12,519
so tonight I have decided to rub onions
under my armpits to repel her.

765
00:53:12,640 --> 00:53:17,430
Your friend in America,
Max Jerry Horowitz.

766
00:53:21,800 --> 00:53:24,120
P.S: Please find enclosed

767
00:53:24,120 --> 00:53:27,874
some chocolate-covered ants
I found at the deli.

768
00:53:29,080 --> 00:53:33,080
PPS. Not much has happened
since I last wrote

769
00:53:33,080 --> 00:53:39,428
except for my manslaughter charges,
lotto win and Ivy's death.

770
00:53:42,680 --> 00:53:45,920
(Narrator): Mary was thrilled
Max had finally written

771
00:53:45,960 --> 00:53:48,680
and suddenly had a fabulous idea.

772
00:53:48,680 --> 00:53:50,557
<i>A-ha! (Ting! )</i>

773
00:53:55,160 --> 00:53:58,470
(Rippling piano and strings)

774
00:54:08,640 --> 00:54:10,620
(Lawnmower drones,
cat miaows)

775
00:54:13,880 --> 00:54:16,792
(Mary cries)

776
00:54:22,960 --> 00:54:26,760
Mary and Max's friendship
was resuscitated

777
00:54:26,760 --> 00:54:31,800
and her tears were the best gift
he'd ever received.

778
00:54:31,800 --> 00:54:35,952
Inside Max's head
his brain was smiling.

779
00:54:37,480 --> 00:54:39,960
Loaded up with bizarre forms
of chocolate,

780
00:54:40,000 --> 00:54:44,360
their letters flew thick and fast
between the continents.

781
00:54:44,360 --> 00:54:47,640
Max learnt to read Mary's letters
with caution

782
00:54:47,640 --> 00:54:51,553
and at the slightest tingle of tension,
he would stop,

783
00:54:51,640 --> 00:54:55,269
take his medication
and soothe his nerves.

784
00:54:55,360 --> 00:55:01,120
Each letter he would iron, laminate
and file in a special place,

785
00:55:01,120 --> 00:55:04,157
which also soothed his nerves.

786
00:55:08,360 --> 00:55:12,751
He enjoyed answering her questions
and solving her puzzles like—

787
00:55:12,840 --> 00:55:15,600
Do sheep shrink when it rains?

788
00:55:15,600 --> 00:55:19,520
Why do old men
wear their pants so high?

789
00:55:19,520 --> 00:55:24,680
Do gooses get goosebumps
and why is bellybutton lint blue?

790
00:55:24,680 --> 00:55:26,280
Are there Noblets in heaven?

791
00:55:26,320 --> 00:55:30,920
And if a taxi goes backwards,
does the driver owe you money?

792
00:55:30,920 --> 00:55:36,680
In turn, Mary simply enjoyed
hearing about Max's fascinating life—

793
00:55:36,680 --> 00:55:39,254
how many people
he'd counted littering…

794
00:55:40,960 --> 00:55:44,236
(Whoosh! Thud! )

795
00:55:44,320 --> 00:55:46,560
how the latest Henry had died…

796
00:55:46,560 --> 00:55:49,393
(Electric whisk whirrs in water)

797
00:55:53,520 --> 00:55:55,720
(Toaster crackles)

798
00:55:55,720 --> 00:55:58,871
and new recipes he'd invented
for chicken.

799
00:56:02,320 --> 00:56:04,320
Each nourished the other

800
00:56:04,320 --> 00:56:07,120
and, as Mary grew taller,

801
00:56:07,120 --> 00:56:09,080
Max grew wider—

802
00:56:09,080 --> 00:56:14,632
their friendship becoming stronger
than the glue on Mary's Noblets.

803
00:56:18,760 --> 00:56:21,600
Although Max found solace in Mary,

804
00:56:21,600 --> 00:56:24,840
he still found the rest of the world
bewildering.

805
00:56:24,840 --> 00:56:26,600
And he couldn't understand

806
00:56:26,600 --> 00:56:29,560
why he was seen as the odd one

807
00:56:29,560 --> 00:56:32,438
while everyone else
was considered normal.

808
00:56:34,240 --> 00:56:37,720
Humans were endlessly illogical.

809
00:56:37,720 --> 00:56:42,880
Why did they throw out food when
there were children starving in India?

810
00:56:42,880 --> 00:56:47,520
Why did they clear the rainforests
when they needed the oxygen?

811
00:56:47,520 --> 00:56:54,120
And why did they create bus timetables
when they never ran on time?

812
00:56:54,120 --> 00:57:00,640
He agreed with his favourite physicist
that there are only two things infinite—

813
00:57:00,640 --> 00:57:04,520
the universe and man's stupidity.

814
00:57:04,520 --> 00:57:06,080
(Bicycle bell rings)

815
00:57:06,080 --> 00:57:11,720
And for Mary, even though
Max filled her with confidence…

816
00:57:11,720 --> 00:57:12,640
<i>Bullseye!</i>

817
00:57:12,680 --> 00:57:16,160
her world was far from perfect.

818
00:57:16,160 --> 00:57:19,550
The grip of love had her by the throat.

819
00:57:24,680 --> 00:57:26,432
(Giggles nervously)

820
00:57:29,200 --> 00:57:32,080
(Sad rippling piano and brass)

821
00:57:32,080 --> 00:57:34,310
(Screams)

822
00:57:34,400 --> 00:57:36,675
(Thunder, rain pattering)

823
00:57:39,360 --> 00:57:44,720
At 4:59pm, on the 8th of the 8th 1988…

824
00:57:44,720 --> 00:57:46,551
(Whistle blows)

825
00:57:46,640 --> 00:57:51,200
Noel Norman Dinkle
attached his last string

826
00:57:51,200 --> 00:57:57,320
and, after 40 years
and 40 million tea bags, he retired.

827
00:57:57,320 --> 00:58:02,240
To celebrate, Noel announced
he was retiring from taxidermy

828
00:58:02,240 --> 00:58:05,960
and taking up metal detecting instead.

829
00:58:05,960 --> 00:58:09,509
But, sadly, it was not a hobby
he had for long.

830
00:58:13,760 --> 00:58:15,512
(Loud rumbling)

831
00:58:20,320 --> 00:58:23,437
(Metal detector beeps)

832
00:58:24,440 --> 00:58:27,591
(Melancholy cello and piano)

833
00:58:34,520 --> 00:58:37,159
(Mary sobs quietly)

834
00:58:45,360 --> 00:58:48,720
In his will, Noel had left Mary
some money

835
00:58:48,720 --> 00:58:53,555
so she decided to go to university
and study disorders of the mind,

836
00:58:53,640 --> 00:58:57,440
yearning to learn more about her friend.

837
00:58:57,440 --> 00:59:03,320
Mary was as popular at university
as she was at school.

838
00:59:03,320 --> 00:59:06,680
Damian went there too,
aching to be a Thespian.

839
00:59:06,680 --> 00:59:09,560
<i>Hi there, M-M-Mary.</i>

840
00:59:09,560 --> 00:59:13,109
<i>Hi… hello!</i>

841
00:59:16,800 --> 00:59:22,080
(They laugh)

842
00:59:22,080 --> 00:59:24,800
<i>(Damian): That was damn f-f-funny!</i>

843
00:59:24,800 --> 00:59:26,677
(She sobs)

844
00:59:41,520 --> 00:59:44,239
(Rippling piano and strings)

845
00:59:54,480 --> 01:00:00,120
<i>Hey, Damian,
your mum's roses look fab!</i>

846
01:00:00,120 --> 01:00:02,600
<i>Oh, th-th-th-thanks, Mary.</i>

847
01:00:02,600 --> 01:00:05,000
<i>Um, M-Mary,
can I tell you something?</i>

848
01:00:05,040 --> 01:00:06,840
<i>Sure, babe!</i>

849
01:00:06,880 --> 01:00:11,874
<i>Um, um, you've got d-d-d-d-dog's poo
on your shoe.</i>

850
01:00:13,440 --> 01:00:15,715
(Mary sobs)

851
01:00:23,560 --> 01:00:25,480
(Mary): Dear Max,

852
01:00:25,480 --> 01:00:27,400
I have been such an idiot.

853
01:00:27,400 --> 01:00:29,800
I've wasted all my money
on something pointless

854
01:00:29,840 --> 01:00:32,612
when I should have been saving
to see you.

855
01:00:33,600 --> 01:00:36,640
I know love upsets you
so I won't go on about it.

856
01:00:36,680 --> 01:00:41,000
All I want to say is that love
is obviously not for me.

857
01:00:41,000 --> 01:00:45,240
I hope you are well and enjoy
the chocolate cigarettes I've enclosed.

858
01:00:45,280 --> 01:00:46,599
Love Mary.

859
01:00:47,520 --> 01:00:49,750
(Swallows loudly)

860
01:01:00,720 --> 01:01:03,320
<i>Oh, you should be ashamed!</i>

861
01:01:03,360 --> 01:01:05,640
<i>–Come on, baby. Let's go.
–Oh, Mum…</i>

862
01:01:05,680 --> 01:01:10,036
<i>I told you never
to talk to strangers.</i>

863
01:01:10,600 --> 01:01:12,079
(Ting! )

864
01:01:13,560 --> 01:01:17,235
(Dogs howl distantly,
Vera hums a tune)

865
01:01:17,320 --> 01:01:22,440
(Narrator): Noel's sudden death
had filled Vera with remorse and guilt

866
01:01:22,440 --> 01:01:26,831
and she coped
in the only way she knew.

867
01:01:31,600 --> 01:01:35,149
(Vera hums a sad tune)

868
01:01:50,200 --> 01:01:51,349
(Bottle smashes)

869
01:01:53,200 --> 01:01:55,316
(Vera drinks)

870
01:01:57,800 --> 01:02:00,633
(She coughs repeatedly and retches)

871
01:02:13,280 --> 01:02:16,113
(Quiet, foreboding music)

872
01:02:54,920 --> 01:02:57,514
(“Zorba the Greek” plays softly)

873
01:02:58,880 --> 01:03:00,440
(Mary): Dear Max,

874
01:03:00,440 --> 01:03:03,920
our wedding day was everything
I have ever dreamt,

875
01:03:03,920 --> 01:03:06,840
making up for the terrible year I've had.

876
01:03:06,840 --> 01:03:08,910
♫♫

877
01:03:09,000 --> 01:03:11,680
Although all the guests
were Damian's family and friends,

878
01:03:11,720 --> 01:03:13,711
I felt very welcome.

879
01:03:17,240 --> 01:03:21,840
Damian is so perfect.
He even made my wedding dress.

880
01:03:21,840 --> 01:03:23,080
And for our honeymoon

881
01:03:23,120 --> 01:03:26,560
he took me to Mykonos—
his favourite island in Greece.

882
01:03:26,600 --> 01:03:28,240
I got to ride a donkey

883
01:03:28,240 --> 01:03:31,760
and found the perfect gift for Len.

884
01:03:31,760 --> 01:03:35,720
Poor Len, he's still struggling
with his agoraphobia.

885
01:03:35,720 --> 01:03:36,920
(Horn beeps)

886
01:03:36,920 --> 01:03:39,440
<i>Aaaaahhhh!</i>

887
01:03:39,440 --> 01:03:43,136
<i>(Tyres screech,
car crashes)</i>

888
01:03:43,480 --> 01:03:46,160
Damian and I are so similar.

889
01:03:46,160 --> 01:03:50,912
He even has his own penfriend, who lives
on a sheep farm in New Zealand.

890
01:03:51,200 --> 01:03:52,918
(She giggles)

891
01:03:53,840 --> 01:03:55,800
(Damian): Mary… M-M-M-Mary.

892
01:03:55,800 --> 01:03:58,598
(Damian): Mary… M-M-M-Mary.
(Bed squeaks)

893
01:03:58,680 --> 01:04:00,272
<i>(Mary): Ohhh.</i>

894
01:04:01,320 --> 01:04:05,552
Mary was bursting with self-esteem

895
01:04:05,640 --> 01:04:08,520
and her confidence
was almost unbearable.

896
01:04:08,520 --> 01:04:10,400
(She purrs seductively)

897
01:04:10,400 --> 01:04:13,040
At university, she shone

898
01:04:13,040 --> 01:04:18,194
and took it upon herself
to cure the world of mental illness.

899
01:04:21,280 --> 01:04:24,317
(Rippling piano and strings)

900
01:04:24,400 --> 01:04:27,760
She did her thesis
on Asperger's syndrome

901
01:04:27,760 --> 01:04:31,639
and used Max as her case study.

902
01:04:31,760 --> 01:04:34,280
Her professors
were thoroughly impressed

903
01:04:34,320 --> 01:04:38,040
and her writing praised far and wide.

904
01:04:38,040 --> 01:04:41,560
Soon, publishers queued
to print her unique insight

905
01:04:41,560 --> 01:04:48,880
and by her 25th birthday, thousands
of copies were ready to be shipped.

906
01:04:48,880 --> 01:04:50,640
(Mary): Dear Max,

907
01:04:50,640 --> 01:04:52,160
I am very proud to give you

908
01:04:52,200 --> 01:04:55,560
the very first copy of my book
about your disability

909
01:04:55,600 --> 01:04:59,832
and the hopes that we have
to one day cure it.

910
01:05:00,760 --> 01:05:01,720
Even more exciting

911
01:05:01,760 --> 01:05:07,278
is that I am finally coming to meet and
celebrate with you in one week's time.

912
01:05:07,360 --> 01:05:10,480
I'm also going to give you
half the royalties.

913
01:05:10,480 --> 01:05:13,800
Your loving friend, Mary.

914
01:05:13,800 --> 01:05:18,157
P.S: Please find enclosed
some chocolate-coated Swiss almonds.

915
01:05:22,920 --> 01:05:27,240
(Narrator): Max didn't take the news
very well—

916
01:05:27,240 --> 01:05:30,120
not very well at all.

917
01:05:30,120 --> 01:05:32,880
(Max): Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,

918
01:05:32,880 --> 01:05:38,040
I cannot express myself
very clearly at this moment

919
01:05:38,040 --> 01:05:44,200
and so I will list my emotions
in the order they feel most intense—

920
01:05:44,200 --> 01:05:51,520
hurt, confuzzledness, betrayal,
discomfort, distress and wheeziness.

921
01:05:51,520 --> 01:05:54,680
This last one is not really an emotion

922
01:05:54,680 --> 01:05:57,716
but I thought you should know about it
anyway.

923
01:06:05,200 --> 01:06:08,800
(Max's heart beats loudly)

924
01:06:08,800 --> 01:06:11,314
(He roars)

925
01:06:27,760 --> 01:06:32,629
With her suitcase packed for New York,
Mary said goodbye to Damian.

926
01:06:32,720 --> 01:06:40,120
She hadn't been this excited since
she'd found a Noblet in the gutter.

927
01:06:40,120 --> 01:06:44,360
But her excitement
suddenly dribbled away

928
01:06:44,360 --> 01:06:46,794
like a chocolate in the sun.

929
01:06:50,160 --> 01:06:54,073
(Soprano sings sadly,
thunder rumbles)

930
01:07:25,400 --> 01:07:27,277
(Singing intensifies)

931
01:07:29,640 --> 01:07:32,950
(Violent shredding noises)

932
01:07:55,640 --> 01:08:00,111
Mary slowly sank
into a puddle of depression, self-loathing

933
01:08:00,240 --> 01:08:02,440
and cooking sherry.

934
01:08:02,440 --> 01:08:07,880
The only colour left in her life
was her beloved Damian,

935
01:08:07,880 --> 01:08:13,640
only an arm's length away
but as distant as the moon.

936
01:08:13,640 --> 01:08:16,598
(TV plays “The Noblets” theme music)

937
01:08:18,440 --> 01:08:23,720
She lost interest in the world
and it lost interest in her

938
01:08:23,720 --> 01:08:28,600
as a horrible apparition began to haunt.

939
01:08:28,600 --> 01:08:32,760
She started to spend her nights
making pompoms

940
01:08:32,760 --> 01:08:36,070
and eating two-minute noodles.

941
01:08:42,880 --> 01:08:45,838
(Mournful cello solo)

942
01:09:05,560 --> 01:09:08,472
(Max wheezes)

943
01:09:34,000 --> 01:09:36,480
(Funky jazz organ)

944
01:09:36,480 --> 01:09:39,790
Each day, with strength and shame,

945
01:09:39,880 --> 01:09:43,920
Mary trudged to the letterbox in hope,

946
01:09:43,920 --> 01:09:48,960
only to swivel, shrivel
and slink back inside.

947
01:09:48,960 --> 01:09:51,793
(Swing brass)

948
01:10:20,200 --> 01:10:24,440
(Rooster clucks and crows)

949
01:10:24,440 --> 01:10:26,486
(Mary gasps, crashes off couch)

950
01:10:29,200 --> 01:10:32,033
(Swing brass)

951
01:10:40,840 --> 01:10:42,720
<i>(Damian): My dearest Mary,</i>

952
01:10:42,760 --> 01:10:46,000
<i>by the Time you read this,
I will be on a plane to New Zealand</i>

953
01:10:46,040 --> 01:10:48,280
<i>to begin a new life.

954
01:10:48,320 --> 01:10:52,200
<i>You probably haven't even noticed
I'd packed my bags.</i>

955
01:10:52,240 --> 01:10:56,640
<i>I have fallen in love
with my penfriend, Desmond,</i>

956
01:10:56,680 --> 01:10:59,160
<i>and I'm going to live
on his sheep farm.</i>

957
01:10:59,200 --> 01:11:01,600
(Sheep baa)

958
01:11:01,600 --> 01:11:05,040
<i>It's been hard to watch you become
a remnant of the person I once loved.</i>

959
01:11:05,080 --> 01:11:07,840
<i>Your research into m-m-mental illness
has been admirable

960
01:11:07,880 --> 01:11:13,000
<i>but your i-idealistic pursuit
to remedy it has been misguided.</i>

961
01:11:13,040 --> 01:11:16,120
<i>Mary, you have to
realise y-you are not
a magic beauty cream</i>

962
01:11:16,160 --> 01:11:20,400
<i>you can smooth on the world
to rid it of its wrinkles.</i>

963
01:11:20,440 --> 01:11:22,200
<i>I love you, Mary,</i>

964
01:11:22,240 --> 01:11:25,400
<i>but I love Desmond more.</i>

965
01:11:25,400 --> 01:11:28,600
<i>I hope one day
your heart will heal
and we can be friends.</i>

966
01:11:28,640 --> 01:11:31,632
<i>Yours compassionately,
Damian.</i>

967
01:11:38,080 --> 01:11:41,550
(Sad piano solo)

968
01:11:44,640 --> 01:11:47,029
(Distant sirens)

969
01:11:53,600 --> 01:11:56,360
(Max): Aaaarghh!

970
01:11:56,360 --> 01:11:58,480
Dear Mayor Ridiculani,

971
01:11:58,480 --> 01:12:06,400
on Monday I counted 27 people
illegally dropping cigarette butts.

972
01:12:06,400 --> 01:12:08,920
I would like to recommend
the fine be increased

973
01:12:08,960 --> 01:12:14,000
to a minimum of $1 million
as a stronger deterrent

974
01:12:14,000 --> 01:12:17,197
and would be happy…

975
01:12:31,600 --> 01:12:34,956
(Max groans)

976
01:12:43,840 --> 01:12:45,831
(Warning bell rings)

977
01:12:49,040 --> 01:12:52,555
<i>Thank you.</i>

978
01:13:06,040 --> 01:13:07,951
(He inhales)

979
01:13:11,360 --> 01:13:13,237
(Max gasps)

980
01:13:22,000 --> 01:13:23,920
(Ominous music)

981
01:13:23,920 --> 01:13:25,570
<i>(Max yells)</i>

982
01:13:33,840 --> 01:13:35,876
Sorry.

983
01:13:40,200 --> 01:13:42,714
(Distant city noises)

984
01:13:55,160 --> 01:13:57,200
Dear Mary,

985
01:13:57,200 --> 01:14:01,480
please find enclosed
my entire Noblet collection

986
01:14:01,480 --> 01:14:04,597
as a sign that I forgive you.

987
01:14:05,680 --> 01:14:09,150
When I received your book,
the emotions inside…

988
01:14:27,000 --> 01:14:29,833
(Jazzy Russian folk music)

989
01:15:03,480 --> 01:15:08,280
(Narrator): On the way home,
Max sat to count the stars.

990
01:15:08,280 --> 01:15:10,800
He felt complete—

991
01:15:10,800 --> 01:15:13,837
the world was back in balance.

992
01:15:18,840 --> 01:15:22,037
(Jazzy Russian folk music)

993
01:15:29,400 --> 01:15:31,834
(Lonely cello solo)

994
01:15:32,360 --> 01:15:34,635
(Rooster snores)

995
01:15:51,280 --> 01:15:53,191
(Fly buzzes, rooster snores)

996
01:16:02,360 --> 01:16:04,828
(Thunder rumbles, rain patters)

997
01:16:24,360 --> 01:16:26,237
(Mystical rippling music)

998
01:16:32,280 --> 01:16:37,560
(Mary sings)
♫ When I was just a little girl

999
01:16:37,560 --> 01:16:43,271
♫ I asked my mother, what will I be?

1000
01:16:44,400 --> 01:16:50,520
♫ Will I be pretty, will I be rich?

1001
01:16:50,520 --> 01:16:54,720
♫ Here's what she said to me…

1002
01:16:54,720 --> 01:17:00,440
♫ Que será será

1003
01:17:00,440 --> 01:17:05,880
♫ Whatever will be will be

1004
01:17:05,880 --> 01:17:10,800
♫ The future's not ours to see

1005
01:17:10,800 --> 01:17:15,316
♫ Que será será

1006
01:17:26,760 --> 01:17:29,558
(Discordant instrumental interlude)

1007
01:17:40,440 --> 01:17:44,920
♫ Que será será

1008
01:17:44,920 --> 01:17:50,640
♫ Whatever will be will be

1009
01:17:50,640 --> 01:17:55,680
♫ The future's not ours to see

1010
01:17:55,680 --> 01:17:59,992
♫ Que será será

1011
01:18:01,120 --> 01:18:05,238
♫ What will be will be

1012
01:18:07,080 --> 01:18:10,914
♫ Que será será ♫

1013
01:18:11,520 --> 01:18:13,556
(Knock at door)

1014
01:18:18,760 --> 01:18:22,196
(Knocking continues)

1015
01:18:24,960 --> 01:18:27,713
(Dogs bark)

1016
01:18:32,320 --> 01:18:33,720
<i>(Len): Ah!</i>

1017
01:18:33,760 --> 01:18:37,673
(Narrator): Len had saved the day
and after 45 years

1018
01:18:37,760 --> 01:18:42,356
he finally conquered his agoraphobia.

1019
01:18:46,320 --> 01:18:47,680
(Driver): Moron!

1020
01:18:47,680 --> 01:18:49,330
(Len laughs triumphantly)

1021
01:18:57,160 --> 01:18:58,680
(Max): Dear Mary,

1022
01:18:58,680 --> 01:19:03,280
please find enclosed
my entire Noblet collection

1023
01:19:03,280 --> 01:19:07,200
as a sign that I forgive you.

1024
01:19:07,200 --> 01:19:10,960
When I received your book,
the emotions inside my brain

1025
01:19:10,960 --> 01:19:15,829
felt like they were in a tumble dryer,
smashing into each other.

1026
01:19:17,040 --> 01:19:21,280
The hurt felt like when I accidentally
stapled my lips together.

1027
01:19:21,280 --> 01:19:22,872
Ow!

1028
01:19:23,000 --> 01:19:28,320
The reason I forgive you
is because you are not perfect.

1029
01:19:28,320 --> 01:19:32,160
You are imperfect, and so am I.

1030
01:19:32,160 --> 01:19:35,040
All humans are imperfect,

1031
01:19:35,040 --> 01:19:39,192
even the man outside my apartment
who litters.

1032
01:19:39,280 --> 01:19:45,435
When I was young,
I wanted to be anybody but myself.

1033
01:19:45,520 --> 01:19:49,320
Dr Bernard Hazelhof said
if I was on a desert island

1034
01:19:49,320 --> 01:19:52,920
then I would have to get used
to my own company—

1035
01:19:52,920 --> 01:19:55,992
just me and the coconuts.

1036
01:19:56,120 --> 01:20:02,355
He said I would have to accept myself,
my warts and all,

1037
01:20:02,440 --> 01:20:05,280
and that we don't get to choose
our warts.

1038
01:20:05,280 --> 01:20:08,750
They are a part of us
and we have to live with them.

1039
01:20:10,560 --> 01:20:14,560
We can, however, choose our friends

1040
01:20:14,560 --> 01:20:19,680
and I am glad I have chosen you.

1041
01:20:19,680 --> 01:20:22,672
Dr Bernard Hazelhof also said

1042
01:20:22,760 --> 01:20:27,080
that everyone's lives
are like a very long sidewalk.

1043
01:20:27,080 --> 01:20:31,600
Some are well paved.
Others, like mine,

1044
01:20:31,600 --> 01:20:36,960
have cracks, banana skins
and cigarette butts.

1045
01:20:36,960 --> 01:20:43,638
Your sidewalk is like mine
but probably not as many cracks.

1046
01:20:43,720 --> 01:20:47,508
Hopefully, one day
our sidewalks will meet

1047
01:20:47,600 --> 01:20:51,070
and we can share
a can of condensed milk.

1048
01:20:52,640 --> 01:20:54,760
(She slurps)

1049
01:20:54,760 --> 01:21:00,756
You are my best friend.
You are my only friend.

1050
01:21:00,840 --> 01:21:05,960
Your American penpal,
Max Jerry Horowitz.

1051
01:21:07,240 --> 01:21:12,040
PS: I have recently found the perfect job
with a survey company.

1052
01:21:12,040 --> 01:21:16,591
All I have to do is eat things
and tick boxes.

1053
01:21:20,120 --> 01:21:22,031
(Birdsong)

1054
01:21:30,800 --> 01:21:33,758
(Sirens in distance)

1055
01:21:39,560 --> 01:21:42,393
(Rippling piano and strings)

1056
01:21:48,680 --> 01:21:51,513
(Baby gurgles)

1057
01:21:55,880 --> 01:21:57,757
(Lift bell dings)

1058
01:22:02,720 --> 01:22:05,553
(Music plays in distance)

1059
01:22:23,000 --> 01:22:25,376
(TV plays “The Noblets” theme music)

1060
01:22:35,120 --> 01:22:36,997
Max?

1061
01:22:40,840 --> 01:22:42,751
Max?

1062
01:22:47,480 --> 01:22:48,959
Max?

1063
01:22:50,680 --> 01:22:52,557
Hello?

1064
01:22:56,120 --> 01:22:58,429
Max, it's us!

1065
01:22:58,520 --> 01:23:00,636
We're here!

1066
01:23:02,800 --> 01:23:05,439
Oh, Max?

1067
01:23:07,120 --> 01:23:10,476
(Alto singing serenely with woodwind)

1068
01:23:11,560 --> 01:23:16,160
(Narrator): Max had died peacefully
that morning

1069
01:23:16,160 --> 01:23:20,119
after finishing his final can
of condensed milk.

1070
01:23:21,040 --> 01:23:22,678
♫♫

1071
01:23:36,320 --> 01:23:38,276
(Baby gurgles)

1072
01:24:09,000 --> 01:24:12,549
(Alto singing serenely with woodwind)

1073
01:24:21,120 --> 01:24:22,792
(She gasps)

1074
01:24:29,040 --> 01:24:36,366
<i>(Max's voice): You are
my best friend.
You are my only friend.</i>

1075
01:24:39,920 --> 01:24:45,200
(Narrator): He smelt like liquorice
and old books, she thought to herself,

1076
01:24:45,200 --> 01:24:48,720
as tears rolled from her eyes

1077
01:24:48,720 --> 01:24:52,474
the colour of muddy puddles.

1078
01:25:26,520 --> 01:25:28,511
♫♫