1 00:00:27,285 --> 00:00:31,254 You're back with Chaz and Stu and the New Zoo Review. 2 00:00:31,289 --> 00:00:35,248 As always behind us we got wacky... 3 00:00:54,278 --> 00:00:56,280 I take it that's not good. 4 00:00:56,315 --> 00:01:00,283 Stay here. 5 00:01:00,318 --> 00:01:04,311 Be right back. 6 00:01:23,374 --> 00:01:26,342 Catholic schoolgiris. 7 00:01:26,377 --> 00:01:31,380 The uniform's what does it for me. 8 00:01:31,415 --> 00:01:36,399 I wish I'd went with more Catholic schoolgiris when I was a kid. 9 00:01:36,434 --> 00:01:41,383 As it stands, I have no "And then she unzipped her jumper" stories. 10 00:01:42,393 --> 00:01:45,361 You seemed weirded-out back there. 11 00:01:45,396 --> 00:01:50,366 - That's my couch you were fucking on. - Sorry. 12 00:01:50,401 --> 00:01:53,404 I wanted to watch some TV. Hard to do when your best friend is... 13 00:01:53,439 --> 00:01:57,408 wrapped around a naked rug-muncher on your couch. 14 00:01:57,443 --> 00:02:00,400 She had boxers on. 15 00:02:03,414 --> 00:02:07,451 - This is all gonna end badly. - You don't know that. 16 00:02:07,486 --> 00:02:11,454 I know you. You're way too conservative for that girl. 17 00:02:11,489 --> 00:02:16,494 She's been around and seen things we've only read about in books. 18 00:02:16,529 --> 00:02:20,498 We have read about them, so we're prepared. 19 00:02:20,533 --> 00:02:23,490 There's no "we" here. 20 00:02:25,503 --> 00:02:27,505 You're gonna have to go through this alone. 21 00:02:27,540 --> 00:02:29,472 It's one thing to read about shit, 22 00:02:29,507 --> 00:02:33,505 something different when you're forced to deal with it on a regular basis. 23 00:02:33,540 --> 00:02:37,504 When you are walking in a mall and your heads turn at a nice-looking chick, 24 00:02:38,516 --> 00:02:41,550 it's gonna eat you up inside. 25 00:02:41,585 --> 00:02:45,589 You'll spend most of your time wondering when the other shoe's gonna drop. 26 00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:49,593 'Cause for you this isn't about cool, weird sex stuff. 27 00:02:49,628 --> 00:02:52,561 It's about love. 28 00:02:52,596 --> 00:02:55,599 Maybe it is for her as well. 29 00:02:55,634 --> 00:02:58,567 Somehow I doubt it. 30 00:02:58,602 --> 00:03:02,105 Everybody's not out to get someone in life, Bank. 31 00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:05,609 Everybody has an agenda, all right? Everyone. 32 00:03:05,644 --> 00:03:07,576 Yourself? 33 00:03:07,611 --> 00:03:10,579 - My agenda is to watch your back. - To what end? 34 00:03:10,614 --> 00:03:13,684 To insure that all this time we've spent together, building something, 35 00:03:13,719 --> 00:03:14,650 wasn't wasted. 36 00:03:14,685 --> 00:03:18,644 Oh, she's not gonna ruin the comic. 37 00:03:20,691 --> 00:03:23,683 I wasn't talkin' about the comic. 38 00:03:25,696 --> 00:03:28,664 I'm gonna go get a bagel. 39 00:03:28,699 --> 00:03:32,635 Clean off my fucking couch so I can watch TV. 40 00:03:42,646 --> 00:03:45,681 From what I understand, when you sign with a publisher... 41 00:03:45,716 --> 00:03:47,684 someone else does all this work for you, and you just sit back and collect. 42 00:03:48,719 --> 00:03:51,722 And miss these late-night cram sessions with my nearest and dearest? 43 00:03:51,757 --> 00:03:54,242 - Never. - I don't know what she's bitching about. 44 00:03:54,277 --> 00:03:56,727 All she's done since we got here is pound Merlot. 45 00:03:56,762 --> 00:03:57,693 Yeah, you're a real help. 46 00:03:57,728 --> 00:04:00,696 I'd like to know why we're here at all... 47 00:04:00,731 --> 00:04:02,698 when we haven't seen Princess Funny Book in a month. 48 00:04:02,733 --> 00:04:07,727 - Yeah. Who you shackin' up with? - "Shacking up with"? Please. 49 00:04:09,740 --> 00:04:11,742 I'm so in love! 50 00:04:11,777 --> 00:04:13,709 Ohh! 51 00:04:13,744 --> 00:04:18,816 I know, I know. I feel like such a goon, but I can't help it. 52 00:04:18,851 --> 00:04:21,819 - We have such a great time together. - Who is it? 53 00:04:21,854 --> 00:04:23,786 Someone you guys don't know. 54 00:04:23,821 --> 00:04:25,823 That chick you left the restaurant with that night. 55 00:04:25,858 --> 00:04:27,790 They're not from around here. 56 00:04:27,825 --> 00:04:29,827 Don't even tell me you met her down the shore. 57 00:04:29,862 --> 00:04:31,727 Ew, a bridge-and-tunnel Jersey dyke. 58 00:04:31,762 --> 00:04:34,730 With huge hair and acid-washed jeans. 59 00:04:34,765 --> 00:04:38,769 For your information, they don't have big hair or wear acid-wash. 60 00:04:38,804 --> 00:04:40,760 They're from my hometown. 61 00:04:45,776 --> 00:04:47,743 Why are you playing the pronoun game? 62 00:04:47,778 --> 00:04:51,780 - What are you talking about? I'm not. - You are. 63 00:04:51,815 --> 00:04:56,854 I met "someone." "We" have a great time. "They're" from my hometown. 64 00:04:56,889 --> 00:04:59,823 Doesn't this tube of wonderful have a name? 65 00:05:06,864 --> 00:05:08,855 Holden. 66 00:05:23,914 --> 00:05:25,905 Well... 67 00:05:27,952 --> 00:05:29,920 here's to the both of you. 68 00:05:33,891 --> 00:05:36,883 Another one bites the dust. 69 00:05:44,902 --> 00:05:47,870 Can I ask you a question? 70 00:05:47,905 --> 00:05:51,898 Don't even tell me you want to do it again. 71 00:05:53,911 --> 00:05:57,913 Why me? You know? Why now? 72 00:05:57,948 --> 00:06:01,986 Well, because you were givin' me that look and I got all wet. 73 00:06:02,021 --> 00:06:03,988 You know what I mean. 74 00:06:04,023 --> 00:06:06,956 Why not you? 75 00:06:06,991 --> 00:06:11,996 Well, I'm a guy. I mean... you're attracted to giris. 76 00:06:12,031 --> 00:06:13,987 I see you've been taking notes. 77 00:06:14,999 --> 00:06:18,002 Historically, yes. That's true. 78 00:06:18,037 --> 00:06:20,994 Then why this? 79 00:06:25,009 --> 00:06:28,035 Well, I've given that a lot of thought, you know. 80 00:06:29,046 --> 00:06:31,037 Now that I'm being ostracized by my friends, 81 00:06:31,982 --> 00:06:32,971 I've had plenty of time to think about it. 82 00:06:34,018 --> 00:06:36,987 And what I've come up with is really simple. 83 00:06:38,022 --> 00:06:41,991 I came to this on my own terms. 84 00:06:42,026 --> 00:06:44,994 You know, I didn't just heed what I was taught: 85 00:06:45,029 --> 00:06:49,033 Men and women should be together, it's the natural way, 86 00:06:49,068 --> 00:06:51,000 that kind of thing. 87 00:06:51,035 --> 00:06:55,039 I'm not with you because of what family, society, life... 88 00:06:55,074 --> 00:06:58,031 tried to instill in me from day one. 89 00:07:00,077 --> 00:07:03,045 The way the worid is, 90 00:07:03,080 --> 00:07:08,118 how seldom it is that you meet that one person who... 91 00:07:08,153 --> 00:07:10,638 just gets you. 92 00:07:10,673 --> 00:07:13,088 It's so rare. 93 00:07:13,123 --> 00:07:16,091 My parents didn't really have it. 94 00:07:16,126 --> 00:07:22,132 There were no examples set for me in the worid of male-female relationships. 95 00:07:22,167 --> 00:07:26,101 And to cut oneself off from finding that person... 96 00:07:26,136 --> 00:07:30,140 to immediately halve your options by eliminating the possibility... 97 00:07:30,175 --> 00:07:34,111 of finding that one person within your own gender... 98 00:07:34,146 --> 00:07:36,113 that just seemed stupid to me. 99 00:07:36,148 --> 00:07:39,114 So I didn't. 100 00:07:39,149 --> 00:07:42,117 But then you came along. 101 00:07:42,152 --> 00:07:46,156 You, the one least likely. I mean, you were a guy. 102 00:07:46,191 --> 00:07:49,124 Still am. 103 00:07:49,159 --> 00:07:54,164 And while I was falling for you I put a ceiling on that, 104 00:07:54,199 --> 00:07:57,132 because you were a guy. 105 00:07:57,167 --> 00:08:02,172 Until I remembered why I opened the door to women in the first place: 106 00:08:02,207 --> 00:08:06,210 To not limit the likelihood of finding that one person who'd... 107 00:08:06,245 --> 00:08:09,202 complement me so completely. 108 00:08:13,250 --> 00:08:16,218 So, here we are. 109 00:08:16,253 --> 00:08:18,221 I was thorough when I looked for you. 110 00:08:20,257 --> 00:08:24,261 And I feel justified lying in your arms... 111 00:08:24,296 --> 00:08:28,230 'cause I got here on my own terms, 112 00:08:28,265 --> 00:08:33,203 and I have no question there was someplace I didn't look. 113 00:08:33,238 --> 00:08:36,195 For me that makes all the difference. 114 00:08:52,289 --> 00:08:55,292 Can I at least tell people all you needed was some serious deep-dicking? 115 00:09:02,299 --> 00:09:04,290 - Move! - Stop! 116 00:09:17,347 --> 00:09:20,339 - What? - Check out page 48. 117 00:09:32,329 --> 00:09:35,321 - So? - Did you see the nickname? 118 00:09:37,334 --> 00:09:40,302 - "Finger Cuffs." - And? 119 00:09:40,337 --> 00:09:45,375 - Weird nickname. What's your point? - Do you know why it's "Finger Cuffs"? 120 00:09:45,410 --> 00:09:48,367 - No. I suppose you do. - I do. 121 00:09:51,381 --> 00:09:55,419 Remember Cohee Lundin? Left Hudson and went to North our senior year? 122 00:09:55,454 --> 00:09:57,386 Yeah. 123 00:09:57,421 --> 00:10:00,424 Well, asshole, I ran into him at the stores the other day. 124 00:10:00,459 --> 00:10:03,392 God, it's been ages since I've seen him. 125 00:10:03,427 --> 00:10:06,419 - Mentioned you were dating Alyssa. - Did you? 126 00:10:07,431 --> 00:10:09,398 Yeah. Funny thing is, you know what he said? 127 00:10:09,433 --> 00:10:14,436 Shit, I know Alyssa Jones. I mean, I know Alyssa Jones. 128 00:10:14,471 --> 00:10:17,468 Me and Rick Derris used to hang around her house after school... 129 00:10:17,503 --> 00:10:20,466 and shit, 'cause her parents were, like, never home and shit, right? 130 00:10:21,478 --> 00:10:23,480 But one day Rick whips it out and starts rubbin' it on her leg and shit, 131 00:10:23,515 --> 00:10:26,482 chasin' her around the living room; I was dyin'. 132 00:10:26,517 --> 00:10:28,484 You know what the crazy bitch did? She fuckin' drops to her knees... 133 00:10:28,519 --> 00:10:31,455 and starts suckin' him off right in front of me, like I wasn't even there. 134 00:10:31,490 --> 00:10:34,423 I almost died. But that's not the fucked-up part. 135 00:10:34,458 --> 00:10:38,462 The fucked-up part was Rick, right in the middle of it, pointin' at her, 136 00:10:38,497 --> 00:10:40,464 and he says "Cohee," just like that, "Cohee." 137 00:10:40,499 --> 00:10:42,431 So I'm like, "Yo, I'll give it a shot." 138 00:10:42,466 --> 00:10:45,469 I start pullin' her pants down and shit, all slow 'cause I figure any second... 139 00:10:45,504 --> 00:10:47,469 she's gonna turn around and belt me in the mouth, right? 140 00:10:47,504 --> 00:10:51,473 But she's all into it, man! She don't try to stop me or nothin'! 141 00:10:51,508 --> 00:10:54,010 She's all wet and I just start goin' to work, you know what I'm sayin'? 142 00:10:54,045 --> 00:10:56,513 Me and Rick are goin' to town on this crazy bitch, and she's lovin' it, 143 00:10:56,548 --> 00:10:58,480 all moaning and shit. 144 00:10:58,515 --> 00:11:00,516 It was fucked-up. So Rick came up with the nickname. 145 00:11:00,551 --> 00:11:05,556 That day she had us locked in from both sides like Chinese finger cuffs. 146 00:11:05,591 --> 00:11:06,522 He's full of shit. 147 00:11:06,557 --> 00:11:09,525 Cohee's a lot of things, but an exaggerator he's not. 148 00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:11,551 - The dude's Catholic. - She's never even been with a guy. 149 00:11:12,563 --> 00:11:15,531 That's what she says. But I say her on her hands and knees... 150 00:11:15,566 --> 00:11:18,569 getting filled out like an application constitutes "being with a guy." 151 00:11:18,604 --> 00:11:21,570 Look, man. Cohee Lundin is pulling your chain, okay? 152 00:11:21,605 --> 00:11:24,608 The fact you even believe him makes you look like a complete fuckin' idiot. 153 00:11:24,643 --> 00:11:27,576 I'm getting your back, asshole! 154 00:11:27,611 --> 00:11:29,578 People don't forget shit like "Finger Cuffs." 155 00:11:29,613 --> 00:11:33,584 What if it got out that she's queer as well? How's that gonna make you look? 156 00:11:33,619 --> 00:11:36,587 - Well, I give a shit what people think. - Fuck! 157 00:11:36,622 --> 00:11:39,556 All right. What if she's carrying a disease? 158 00:11:40,591 --> 00:11:42,558 - Fuck you! - What? 159 00:11:42,593 --> 00:11:45,561 Oh, it's not possible that she's all crudded-up? 160 00:11:45,596 --> 00:11:48,599 Cohee I can vouch for is clean. The dude never got laid in high school. 161 00:11:48,634 --> 00:11:51,600 But Derris? He's an arch-fucking-bushman! 162 00:11:51,635 --> 00:11:55,639 Name me one chick in our senior class that he didn't nail, for Christ's sake! 163 00:11:55,674 --> 00:11:58,642 Let it go, okay? I'm telling you, she's never even been with a guy, 164 00:11:58,677 --> 00:12:00,633 much less these two fuckin' zeroes. 165 00:12:01,645 --> 00:12:04,648 And the bitch could be a bigger germ farm than that monkey in Outbreak! 166 00:12:04,683 --> 00:12:09,186 Would you let it go, okay? I'm fuckin' tired of this shit! 167 00:12:09,221 --> 00:12:13,655 She's my goddamn girlfriend! Show a little fuckin' respect! 168 00:12:13,690 --> 00:12:16,682 And I swear to God, if I ever hear you so much as fucking mention... 169 00:12:17,694 --> 00:12:22,688 Alyssa looks a little peaked, I'll put your fucking teeth down your throat! 170 00:12:25,736 --> 00:12:27,738 Maybe I'll put your fuckin' teeth down your throat. 171 00:12:27,773 --> 00:12:30,730 Yeah, maybe. 172 00:12:35,746 --> 00:12:38,738 I've been workin' out, ya know! 173 00:12:39,783 --> 00:12:42,752 You better be ready to make that deal. 174 00:12:44,788 --> 00:12:47,791 So, where's that bitch partner of yours been? 175 00:12:47,826 --> 00:12:48,757 Sulking. 176 00:12:48,792 --> 00:12:50,759 He's having a real problem with this Alyssa thing. 177 00:12:50,794 --> 00:12:55,832 I think it's more like Banky's having a real problem with all things not hetero, 178 00:12:55,867 --> 00:12:58,800 and I'm just another paradigm of said aberration. 179 00:12:58,835 --> 00:13:03,805 - Banky does not hate gays. - But he is a bit homophobic. 180 00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:06,832 This latest episode between you and Miss Thing has tapped into that. 181 00:13:07,844 --> 00:13:11,848 In his warped perception, he lost you to the "dark side," which is she. 182 00:13:11,883 --> 00:13:13,884 You make it sound like me and him were dating. 183 00:13:13,919 --> 00:13:14,851 Don't kid yourself. 184 00:13:15,886 --> 00:13:17,854 That boy loves you in a way that he ain't ready to deal with. 185 00:13:21,892 --> 00:13:27,863 - He's been digging up dirt on Alyssa. - Uh-uh, honey! 186 00:13:27,898 --> 00:13:31,879 And just what has Mr. Angela Lansbury uncovered about your lady fair? 187 00:13:31,914 --> 00:13:35,861 He heard some bullshit story that she took on two guys. 188 00:13:36,873 --> 00:13:38,840 Really? 189 00:13:38,875 --> 00:13:42,879 Then he's barkin' up the wrong tree if he wants to split you up, isn't he? 190 00:13:42,914 --> 00:13:44,881 He's not gonna make you see the error of your ways... 191 00:13:44,916 --> 00:13:46,917 by pointing out how truly gay she's not. 192 00:13:46,952 --> 00:13:49,885 - This one? - I have it. 193 00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:53,924 - Actually, it has kinda gotten to me. - How so? 194 00:13:53,959 --> 00:13:57,893 Well, Banky's got a pretty good bullshit detector. 195 00:13:57,928 --> 00:13:59,930 - He's not known for misinformation. - So what if it is true? 196 00:13:59,965 --> 00:14:02,966 - Would that bother you? - Sex with multiple partners? 197 00:14:03,001 --> 00:14:04,968 At the same time? 198 00:14:05,003 --> 00:14:06,935 Ah! Ooh! 199 00:14:06,970 --> 00:14:09,973 Thanks for being so comforting. I appreciate it. 200 00:14:10,008 --> 00:14:11,940 So, what do you care? 201 00:14:11,975 --> 00:14:13,977 That's just it, you know? I shouldn't care. 202 00:14:14,012 --> 00:14:15,944 - But it just... It gets to me. - Look, 203 00:14:15,979 --> 00:14:18,982 the kind of gal Alyssa is, you don't think she's been in the middle... 204 00:14:19,017 --> 00:14:20,973 of an all-girl group grope? 205 00:14:24,020 --> 00:14:27,523 You see, that doesn't bother me, right? But just the thought of her with guys... 206 00:14:27,558 --> 00:14:31,027 Oh, Holden, I beg you, please. Don't drop 50 stories in my opinion of you... 207 00:14:31,062 --> 00:14:33,997 by falling prey to that latest of trendy beasts. 208 00:14:34,032 --> 00:14:35,964 - Which is? - Lesbian chic. 209 00:14:35,999 --> 00:14:41,004 It's oh-so acceptable to be a gay girl nowadays. People think it's cute. 210 00:14:41,039 --> 00:14:43,972 Got this fool picture of lipstick lesbians in their heads, 211 00:14:44,007 --> 00:14:48,011 like they all resemble Alyssa, while most of'em look more like you. 212 00:14:48,046 --> 00:14:51,014 Do I detect a little intersubculture cattiness here? 213 00:14:51,049 --> 00:14:54,015 Gay or straight, ugly's still ugly. 214 00:14:54,050 --> 00:14:56,017 And most of those boys are scary. 215 00:14:56,052 --> 00:14:58,054 I thought you fags were all supersupportive of one another. 216 00:14:58,089 --> 00:15:00,021 Screw that all-for-one shit. 217 00:15:00,056 --> 00:15:03,059 I gotta deal with bein' a minority in the minority of the minority, 218 00:15:03,094 --> 00:15:05,026 and nobody's supportin' my ass. 219 00:15:05,061 --> 00:15:09,099 While the whole of society's fawning over giris-on-giris, 220 00:15:09,134 --> 00:15:11,066 here I sit, a reviled gay man. 221 00:15:11,101 --> 00:15:13,103 And to top that off, I'm a gay black man, 222 00:15:13,138 --> 00:15:15,122 notoriously, the most swishy of the bunch. 223 00:15:15,157 --> 00:15:17,628 - Three strikes... - Hey, hey! There's a line. 224 00:15:17,663 --> 00:15:20,099 Are you Hooper X? 225 00:15:23,113 --> 00:15:28,107 - Salaam alaykem, little brother. - Could you sign my comic? 226 00:15:32,088 --> 00:15:34,056 Hey. You see that man right there? 227 00:15:36,092 --> 00:15:39,094 He the devil. Understand? 228 00:15:39,129 --> 00:15:42,121 Never take your eye off the Man. 229 00:15:49,139 --> 00:15:52,142 - Fight the power, little G. - Word is bond. 230 00:15:52,177 --> 00:15:54,133 Word is bond. 231 00:15:59,182 --> 00:16:00,683 Look at what I have to resort to for professional respect. 232 00:16:00,718 --> 00:16:02,953 Look at what I have to resort to for professional respect. 233 00:16:02,988 --> 00:16:05,188 What is it about gay men that terrifies the rest of the worid? 234 00:16:07,190 --> 00:16:11,193 - As for this hang-up with Alyssa's past, - Um-hm. 235 00:16:11,228 --> 00:16:15,232 Maybe what's troubling you is that your fragile fantasy might not be true. 236 00:16:15,267 --> 00:16:18,235 - What does that mean? - Holden, don't even try to come off... 237 00:16:18,270 --> 00:16:21,203 like you don't know what I'm sayin'. 238 00:16:21,238 --> 00:16:25,242 Men need to believe that they're Marco-fuckin'- Polo when it comes to sex. 239 00:16:25,277 --> 00:16:28,245 Like they're the only ones who've ever explored new territory. 240 00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:31,213 And it's hard not to let 'em believe it. 241 00:16:31,248 --> 00:16:33,181 I let my boys run with it for a while. 242 00:16:33,216 --> 00:16:36,184 Feed 'em some of that "I've never done this before" bullshit... 243 00:16:36,219 --> 00:16:38,221 and let them labor under the delusion that they're rockin' my worid... 244 00:16:38,256 --> 00:16:41,224 until I can't stand 'em no more, then I hit 'em with the truth. 245 00:16:41,259 --> 00:16:43,225 It's a sick game. 246 00:16:43,260 --> 00:16:45,227 The worid would be a better place... 247 00:16:45,262 --> 00:16:47,253 if people would just accept there's nothin' new under the sun, 248 00:16:48,265 --> 00:16:49,254 and anything you can do with a person... 249 00:16:50,267 --> 00:16:52,234 has probably been done long before you got there. 250 00:16:52,269 --> 00:16:56,773 - Hey, I can accept that. - Honey, that almost sounded convincing. 251 00:16:56,808 --> 00:17:01,243 Do yourself a favor: Just ask the girl about her past point-blank. 252 00:17:01,278 --> 00:17:04,281 Get it out of the way before it gets too big for both of y'all to move. 253 00:17:04,316 --> 00:17:06,272 Ooh! Yanni! 254 00:17:19,362 --> 00:17:22,354 Boo! Boo! 255 00:17:25,368 --> 00:17:28,371 Since most of these people are rooting for the home team, 256 00:17:28,406 --> 00:17:30,373 I'm going to cheer for the visitors. 257 00:17:30,408 --> 00:17:32,274 I'm a big visitors fan. 258 00:17:32,309 --> 00:17:35,301 Especially the kind that make coffee for you in the morning before they go. 259 00:17:37,314 --> 00:17:41,316 That was a joke. Bah-dum-bah. 260 00:17:41,351 --> 00:17:44,319 A little wacky wordplay. 261 00:17:44,354 --> 00:17:47,390 Wha-What do you mean, "visitors"? 262 00:17:47,425 --> 00:17:49,357 Was I being too obscure? 263 00:17:49,392 --> 00:17:54,386 The kind that, until recently, had no dicks and would stay the night. 264 00:17:55,398 --> 00:17:59,402 So, uh, that was until recently, right? 265 00:17:59,437 --> 00:18:01,393 Uh, yeah. 266 00:18:07,410 --> 00:18:11,379 Hey! Foul! Foul! He was traveling or something. 267 00:18:11,414 --> 00:18:16,453 So, nobody but me has spent the night at your place since we got together? 268 00:18:16,488 --> 00:18:18,420 Somethin' on your mind, Holden? 269 00:18:18,455 --> 00:18:22,492 - Just wondering. - If I've been faithful or something? 270 00:18:22,527 --> 00:18:26,496 I was just asking. 271 00:18:26,531 --> 00:18:29,464 Oh, sweetie. 272 00:18:29,499 --> 00:18:32,434 I only have eyes for you. 273 00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:42,445 If you don't start usin' that whistle, I'm gonna jam it straight up your ass! 274 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:44,436 Right? 275 00:18:45,448 --> 00:18:48,440 What's uh... What's with "Finger Cuffs"? 276 00:19:02,532 --> 00:19:04,499 "Finger Cuffs"? 277 00:19:04,534 --> 00:19:09,539 In your senior yearbook your nickname was Finger Cuffs. What does that mean? 278 00:19:09,574 --> 00:19:11,506 - It was? - Yeah. 279 00:19:11,541 --> 00:19:15,510 Shit. Damned if I can remember. 280 00:19:15,545 --> 00:19:18,513 I'd look it up, but I threw all that shit out years ago. 281 00:19:18,548 --> 00:19:21,540 - Where'd you see a North yearbook? - Do you know a Rick Derris? 282 00:19:23,586 --> 00:19:26,623 - Rick Derris? - Yeah. 283 00:19:29,626 --> 00:19:32,095 Sure. We used to hang out in high school. 284 00:19:32,130 --> 00:19:34,564 Punch him in the fuckin' neck, number 12! 285 00:19:34,599 --> 00:19:37,532 Come on. Come on! 286 00:19:37,567 --> 00:19:40,535 Did you guys, like, date or something? 287 00:19:40,570 --> 00:19:44,574 Date Rick Derris? No, no. We just hung out a lot. 288 00:19:44,609 --> 00:19:48,095 Just-Just you and Rick. 289 00:19:48,130 --> 00:19:50,873 No. Me, Rick and, um... 290 00:19:50,908 --> 00:19:53,246 God, what was his name? 291 00:19:53,281 --> 00:19:55,584 Um... What was his name? 292 00:19:56,653 --> 00:19:58,620 - What was his name? - Cohee. 293 00:19:58,655 --> 00:20:00,622 Yes! Cohee! Cohee Lundin! 294 00:20:00,657 --> 00:20:03,626 God, I haven't thought about that name in years. 295 00:20:06,663 --> 00:20:10,667 Those guys used to come over to my house almost every day after school. 296 00:20:10,702 --> 00:20:14,671 They'd bug my sisters, look through my dad's closet for porno tapes, 297 00:20:14,706 --> 00:20:16,638 raid the fridge. 298 00:20:16,673 --> 00:20:19,665 They really took advantage of my parents' never being home. 299 00:20:22,679 --> 00:20:24,646 This one day, 300 00:20:24,681 --> 00:20:28,718 Rick pulled his dick out and started chasing me around the house with it. 301 00:20:28,753 --> 00:20:31,653 Right in front of Cohee, man. I couldn't believe it. 302 00:20:34,691 --> 00:20:37,694 Rick pulled his dick out? Really? 303 00:20:37,729 --> 00:20:40,662 What did you do? 304 00:20:40,697 --> 00:20:42,688 I blew him while Cohee fucked me! 305 00:20:47,704 --> 00:20:50,672 - Excuse me? - That's what you wanted to hear. 306 00:20:50,707 --> 00:20:56,713 That's what this little cross-examination of your is all about? 307 00:20:56,748 --> 00:21:00,267 Well, next time try not to make it so obvious, all right? 308 00:21:00,302 --> 00:21:03,786 There's subtler ways of badgering a witness. Am I right? 309 00:21:03,821 --> 00:21:06,754 Geez, man. Even I knew what you were gettin' at. 310 00:21:06,789 --> 00:21:09,792 If you wanted background information on me, all you had to do was ask. 311 00:21:09,827 --> 00:21:11,759 I would have gladly volunteered it. 312 00:21:11,794 --> 00:21:14,786 You didn't have to go playing Hercule-fucking-Poirot. 313 00:21:20,803 --> 00:21:22,794 Told ya these were good seats. 314 00:21:32,749 --> 00:21:35,775 Hey. Hey! 315 00:21:37,820 --> 00:21:40,823 - Hey, would you wait a minute? - Get the fuck off me! 316 00:21:40,858 --> 00:21:43,826 - So it's true, right? - Is that what you wanna hear? 317 00:21:43,861 --> 00:21:45,793 Yeah, Holden, it's true. 318 00:21:45,828 --> 00:21:49,832 In fact, everything you heard or dug up on me is probably true. 319 00:21:49,867 --> 00:21:52,800 Yeah, I took on two guys at once! 320 00:21:52,835 --> 00:21:55,838 You wanna hear some gems you might not have unearthed? 321 00:21:55,873 --> 00:21:58,806 I took a 26-year-old guy to my senior prom... 322 00:21:58,841 --> 00:22:03,811 and left to have sex with him and Gwen Turner in the back of a limo. 323 00:22:03,846 --> 00:22:08,918 How about in college when I let Shannon Hamilton videotape us having sex, 324 00:22:08,953 --> 00:22:13,888 only to find out he broadcast it on the campus cable station. 325 00:22:13,923 --> 00:22:18,928 They're all true. Didn't you know? I am the queen of suburban legend! 326 00:22:18,963 --> 00:22:20,895 Did you somehow fuckin' fail to mention this to me? 327 00:22:20,930 --> 00:22:22,932 What the fuck's wrong with you? How could you do all those things? 328 00:22:22,967 --> 00:22:24,899 Easily! 329 00:22:24,934 --> 00:22:29,939 Some I did out of stupidity, some I did out of what I thought was love. 330 00:22:29,974 --> 00:22:32,907 But good or bad, they are my choices, 331 00:22:32,942 --> 00:22:35,945 and I am not making apologies for them now! 332 00:22:35,980 --> 00:22:38,971 Not to you, or not to anyone! 333 00:22:40,016 --> 00:22:44,020 And how dare you lay a guilt trip on me about it, in public, no less? 334 00:22:44,055 --> 00:22:48,024 Who the fuck do you think you are, you judgmental prick? 335 00:22:48,059 --> 00:22:50,026 How the fuck am I supposed to feel about all this? 336 00:22:50,061 --> 00:22:52,994 How are you supposed to feel about it? 337 00:22:53,029 --> 00:22:56,021 Feel whatever the fuck you want to about it, all right? 338 00:22:57,033 --> 00:23:01,026 The only thing that matters is how you feel about me. 339 00:23:03,039 --> 00:23:05,041 - I don't know how I feel about you now. - Why? Why? 340 00:23:05,076 --> 00:23:08,578 - Because I had some sex? - Some sex? 341 00:23:08,613 --> 00:23:12,081 Yes, Holden. That's all it was, some sex. 342 00:23:12,116 --> 00:23:14,618 Most of it stupid high school sex. 343 00:23:14,653 --> 00:23:17,085 Like you never had sex in high school. 344 00:23:17,120 --> 00:23:22,125 There is a worid of fucking difference between typical high school sex... 345 00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:26,129 and getting fucked by two fuckin' guys at the same time! 346 00:23:26,164 --> 00:23:30,098 - They fuckin' used you. - No! I used them! 347 00:23:30,133 --> 00:23:34,070 You don't think I would have let it happen if I hadn't wanted to, do you? 348 00:23:34,105 --> 00:23:38,063 I was an experimental girl, for Christ's sake! 349 00:23:39,075 --> 00:23:43,079 Maybe you knew early on that your track was from point A to B, 350 00:23:43,114 --> 00:23:47,150 but, unlike you, I was not given a fucking map at birth. 351 00:23:47,185 --> 00:23:49,117 So I tried it all. 352 00:23:49,152 --> 00:23:54,157 That is until we... that's you and I... got together. 353 00:23:54,192 --> 00:23:57,125 And suddenly I was sated. 354 00:23:57,160 --> 00:24:01,129 Can't you take some fucking comfort in that? 355 00:24:01,164 --> 00:24:05,168 You turned out to be all I was looking for, 356 00:24:05,203 --> 00:24:09,172 the missing piece in the big fucking puzzle. 357 00:24:14,177 --> 00:24:19,215 Look, I'm sorry I let you believe you were the only guy I'd ever been with. 358 00:24:19,250 --> 00:24:22,216 I should have been more honest. 359 00:24:22,251 --> 00:24:26,220 But it just didn't... It seemed to make you feel special in a way... 360 00:24:26,255 --> 00:24:32,194 that me telling you over and over how incredible you are wouldn't get across. 361 00:24:33,196 --> 00:24:35,693 Holden, I'm sorry. 362 00:24:35,728 --> 00:24:38,190 Just don't do that. 363 00:24:41,204 --> 00:24:46,209 Do you mean to tell me that, while you have zero problem... 364 00:24:46,244 --> 00:24:49,235 with me sleeping with half the women in New York City, 365 00:24:50,246 --> 00:24:53,766 you have some sort of half-assed, mealy-mouthed objection... 366 00:24:53,801 --> 00:24:57,286 to pubescent antics that took place almost ten years ago? 367 00:24:57,321 --> 00:25:00,255 What the fuck is your problem? 368 00:25:02,291 --> 00:25:04,293 I want us to be something that we can't be. 369 00:25:04,328 --> 00:25:06,807 And what's that? 370 00:25:06,842 --> 00:25:09,287 A normal couple. 371 00:25:10,299 --> 00:25:14,292 #So why don't you give your little voice a rest # 372 00:25:15,304 --> 00:25:18,307 - Fuck! - # Come on up inside my bed # 373 00:25:18,342 --> 00:25:21,333 #And just pretend you need me # 374 00:25:23,346 --> 00:25:26,365 # You don't have to lie about what you know # 375 00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:29,385 # You don't have to lie about what you know # 376 00:25:29,420 --> 00:25:33,287 #Even though I've been sufferin'# 377 00:25:35,324 --> 00:25:39,328 #And I don't need to be your only one # 378 00:25:39,363 --> 00:25:42,331 #I don't need your comforting # 379 00:25:42,366 --> 00:25:46,324 #I just need you with me # 380 00:25:48,337 --> 00:25:52,341 #Stay, stay, stay with me # 381 00:25:52,376 --> 00:25:57,369 #Stay, stay with me # 382 00:25:58,381 --> 00:26:00,416 #Stay and don't you ever roll away from me # 383 00:26:00,451 --> 00:26:02,384 The girl? 384 00:26:04,420 --> 00:26:06,387 #Stay # 385 00:26:06,422 --> 00:26:11,392 #Stay with me # 386 00:26:11,427 --> 00:26:13,418 # Oh, and did she ever ## 387 00:26:19,435 --> 00:26:23,428 Well, look at this morose motherfucker right here. 388 00:26:26,476 --> 00:26:29,444 Smells like someone shit in his cereal. Nooch. 389 00:26:29,479 --> 00:26:32,380 What took you guys so long? What are you, at the mall again? 390 00:26:32,415 --> 00:26:36,452 Bitch, don't even start, all right? We stopped that shit years ago. 391 00:26:36,487 --> 00:26:38,454 Toss the salad. 392 00:26:44,460 --> 00:26:47,452 Damn, this likeness rights shit is more profitable than sellin' smoke. 393 00:26:49,465 --> 00:26:51,456 How did a dirt merchant like you ever learn about likeness rights? 394 00:26:52,468 --> 00:26:55,988 We deal to a lot of lawyers. You know what I'm sayin'? 395 00:26:56,023 --> 00:27:00,769 Speaking of which... A little signin' bonus and shit? 396 00:27:00,804 --> 00:27:05,515 No, I'll pass. Did you guys take a look at the issue? 397 00:27:05,550 --> 00:27:07,515 Yeah. 398 00:27:07,550 --> 00:27:12,520 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 399 00:27:12,555 --> 00:27:14,522 You need to throw some pussy in that book, man. 400 00:27:14,557 --> 00:27:17,525 Like, throw some supervillain with big fuckin' tits... 401 00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:20,563 that shoot milk or somethin', and I'll just, like, suck her dry... 402 00:27:20,598 --> 00:27:22,554 and bust some moves on her. 403 00:27:26,569 --> 00:27:30,606 Then she has to fuck me. I mean, fuck us. 404 00:27:30,641 --> 00:27:32,540 I'll see what I can do. 405 00:27:34,544 --> 00:27:38,513 - All right, boys. What'll it be? - I'm all set, thanks. 406 00:27:38,548 --> 00:27:42,585 Yo, Flo. Tell Mel to whip me up a toasted bagel with cream cheese. 407 00:27:42,620 --> 00:27:47,545 You want one too? Make that two, and kiss my grits. Nooch. 408 00:27:49,592 --> 00:27:53,596 Did you ever watch that show, Alice? That show was funny as hell, man. 409 00:27:53,631 --> 00:27:57,565 So why the long face, horse? Banky on the rag? 410 00:27:57,600 --> 00:28:01,604 I'm just, uh... I'm just havin' a little girl trouble. 411 00:28:01,639 --> 00:28:03,639 Bitch pressin' charges? I get that a lot. 412 00:28:03,674 --> 00:28:07,632 No. I'm just, uh... 413 00:28:08,644 --> 00:28:11,612 I'm just at a point where I don't really know what to do. 414 00:28:11,647 --> 00:28:14,684 Kick her to the fuckin' curb. Giris get to be too much trouble. 415 00:28:14,719 --> 00:28:18,643 There's always the band... of the hand. 416 00:28:19,689 --> 00:28:22,657 Can't do it, G. I'm in love. 417 00:28:22,692 --> 00:28:26,696 Nah, there ain't no such thing. You got to boil it down to the essentials. 418 00:28:26,731 --> 00:28:31,633 It's like Cube says: # Life ain't nothin' but bitches and money ## 419 00:28:33,636 --> 00:28:36,672 Thanks, guys. That's just what I needed. Advice from the 'hood. 420 00:28:36,707 --> 00:28:41,666 - So who is this girl? - Oh, I don't think you know her. 421 00:28:42,678 --> 00:28:45,681 Come on, man. I'm people who know people. 422 00:28:45,716 --> 00:28:47,682 You sound like Barbra Streisand. 423 00:28:47,717 --> 00:28:50,720 Maybe 'cause I got this tubby bitch playin' her greatest hits tape... 424 00:28:50,755 --> 00:28:52,687 in my ear all the time. 425 00:28:52,722 --> 00:28:56,225 You gotta see it. When she starts singin' "You Don't Bring Me Flowers," 426 00:28:56,260 --> 00:28:59,729 this faggot starts cryin' like a little girl with a skinned knee and shit. 427 00:28:59,764 --> 00:29:03,250 Big fuckin' softie. So what's the skirt's name? 428 00:29:03,285 --> 00:29:06,701 I'm tellin' ya, man. You don't know the girl. 429 00:29:06,736 --> 00:29:10,763 I ain't playin', man. Come on, tell me her name, Mysterio. 430 00:29:12,775 --> 00:29:14,766 Alyssa Jones. 431 00:29:16,779 --> 00:29:19,780 Holy fuckin' shit. Finger Cuffs? 432 00:29:19,815 --> 00:29:23,774 You're dating Finger Cuffs, you silly son of a bitch? 433 00:29:24,820 --> 00:29:26,822 Wait a second. I thought she was all gay and shit. 434 00:29:26,857 --> 00:29:29,790 She was, or she is. I don't know. 435 00:29:29,825 --> 00:29:32,762 And you're dating her. Man, you're a lucky fuck. 436 00:29:32,797 --> 00:29:34,729 She ever bring bitches to bed with you? 437 00:29:34,764 --> 00:29:37,283 Get a little of that Filet-O-Fish sandwich goin' on? 438 00:29:37,318 --> 00:29:39,802 Yeah, you know what I'm talkin' about, baby. Right? 439 00:29:39,837 --> 00:29:43,771 What's up? Yeah. So four tits and what? 440 00:29:43,806 --> 00:29:46,809 - No, man. It's not like that. - What's it like, then? 441 00:29:46,844 --> 00:29:50,778 Right now? I don't know. 442 00:29:50,813 --> 00:29:53,814 I love her, you know? But, uh, she has a past. 443 00:29:53,849 --> 00:29:57,853 I'll say. Stuffin' two guys, eatin' chicks out and shit. 444 00:29:57,888 --> 00:30:00,873 You know, I heard one time she had this dog... 445 00:30:00,908 --> 00:30:04,385 Eat your fuckin' bagel already and shut up. 446 00:30:04,420 --> 00:30:07,828 Look at this touchy motherfucker right here. 447 00:30:07,863 --> 00:30:10,866 So if you're all in love and shit, what's the problem? 448 00:30:10,901 --> 00:30:13,868 The problem is stupid shit like that. 449 00:30:13,903 --> 00:30:15,870 It was bad enough when it was just giris, you know? 450 00:30:15,905 --> 00:30:19,408 You throw guys into the mix... two guys at once, no less... 451 00:30:19,443 --> 00:30:22,877 All that experience, you know? What am I supposed to think? 452 00:30:22,912 --> 00:30:27,900 Think "good," ya fuckin' ninny shithead, 'cause now she'll be all true and blue. 453 00:30:27,935 --> 00:30:32,888 Bitch tasted life. Now she's settlin' for your borin' funny-book-makin' ass. 454 00:30:32,923 --> 00:30:35,857 Settling for my boring ass. That's comforting. Thanks, Jay. 455 00:30:36,892 --> 00:30:41,862 - That's what I'm here for. - I'm just havin' a problem with it. 456 00:30:41,897 --> 00:30:45,935 It's like I can't get these visuals out of my head of her doing all this shit. 457 00:30:45,970 --> 00:30:49,939 And I don't know why I can't let it go, 'cause I'm crazy about this girl. 458 00:30:49,974 --> 00:30:53,908 - I look at her, I see kids, grandkids... - You're scarin' me. 459 00:30:53,943 --> 00:30:56,946 Yeah, well, I'm scarin' myself 'cause I think so much of this girl... 460 00:30:56,981 --> 00:30:59,938 that I can't get stupid shit like "Finger Cuffs" out of my head. 461 00:31:01,984 --> 00:31:04,953 I don't know. I don't know what I'm doin'. 462 00:31:08,991 --> 00:31:10,982 Chasin' Amy. 463 00:31:12,995 --> 00:31:15,998 What? What did you say? 464 00:31:18,033 --> 00:31:21,001 - You're chasing Amy. - What do you look so shocked for, man? 465 00:31:21,036 --> 00:31:25,040 Fat bastard does this all the time. He thinks 'cause he don't say anything... 466 00:31:25,075 --> 00:31:28,043 it'll have some huge impact when he does open his fuckin' mouth. 467 00:31:28,078 --> 00:31:30,010 Jesus Christ, why don't you shut up? 468 00:31:30,045 --> 00:31:34,982 Always yap-yap-yapping all the time. Give me a fuckin' headache. 469 00:31:35,017 --> 00:31:36,985 I went through somethin' like what you're talkin' about a couple years ago. 470 00:31:38,020 --> 00:31:39,988 - This chick named Amy. - When? 471 00:31:41,023 --> 00:31:42,991 A couple of years ago. 472 00:31:44,026 --> 00:31:46,028 What, she live in Canada or something? Why don't I remember this? 473 00:31:46,063 --> 00:31:47,995 Bitch, what you don't know about me... 474 00:31:48,030 --> 00:31:51,049 I could just about squeeze in the Grand-fucking-Canyon. 475 00:31:51,084 --> 00:31:54,069 Did you know I always wanted to be a dancer in Vegas? Huh? 476 00:31:54,104 --> 00:31:58,038 Bet you didn't even know that shit, did you? 477 00:31:58,073 --> 00:32:01,065 Just tell your fuckin' story so we can get out of here and smoke this. 478 00:32:03,078 --> 00:32:08,117 So there's me and Amy. And we're inseparable. Just big-time in love. 479 00:32:08,152 --> 00:32:11,085 Then four months down the road the idiot gear kicks in, 480 00:32:11,120 --> 00:32:14,623 and I ask about the ex-boyfriend which, as we all know, is a really dumb move. 481 00:32:14,658 --> 00:32:18,127 But you know how it is: You don't want to know, but you just have to know. 482 00:32:18,162 --> 00:32:20,094 Stupid guy bullshit. 483 00:32:20,129 --> 00:32:22,129 So, anyway, she starts tellin' me about him. 484 00:32:22,164 --> 00:32:26,157 They fell in love, went out for a couple of years, lived together. 485 00:32:27,169 --> 00:32:30,172 Her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm okay. 486 00:32:30,207 --> 00:32:33,164 But then she drops the bomb on me, and the bomb is this; 487 00:32:34,176 --> 00:32:37,179 It seems that a couple of times, while they were goin' out, 488 00:32:37,214 --> 00:32:39,716 he brought some people to bed with them. 489 00:32:39,751 --> 00:32:42,183 Menage a trois, I believe it's called. 490 00:32:42,218 --> 00:32:45,221 Now this just blows my mind, right? I'm not used to this sort of thing. 491 00:32:45,256 --> 00:32:50,226 - I was raised Catholic, for God's sakes. - Saint Shithead. 492 00:32:50,261 --> 00:32:52,193 Do somethin'. 493 00:32:52,228 --> 00:32:55,229 So I'm totally weirded out by this, right? And I just start blastin' her. 494 00:32:55,264 --> 00:32:58,267 I don't know how to deal with what I'm feelin', so I figure the best way is... 495 00:32:58,302 --> 00:33:01,287 if call her "slut," right, and tell her she was used. 496 00:33:01,322 --> 00:33:04,238 I'm out for blood. I really want to hurt this girl. 497 00:33:04,273 --> 00:33:08,277 "What the fuck is your problem?" And she's just calmly trying to tell me, 498 00:33:08,312 --> 00:33:12,281 "It was that time, that place," and she doesn't think she should apologize... 499 00:33:12,316 --> 00:33:14,281 because she doesn't feel that she's done anything wrong. 500 00:33:14,316 --> 00:33:19,276 I'm like, "Oh, really?" I look her in the eye and tell her it's over. I walk. 501 00:33:21,323 --> 00:33:23,290 Fuckin' A. 502 00:33:23,325 --> 00:33:26,327 No, idiot. It was a mistake. 503 00:33:26,362 --> 00:33:28,329 I wasn't disgusted with her, I was afraid. 504 00:33:28,364 --> 00:33:32,266 You know, at that moment I felt small, like I'd lacked experience, 505 00:33:32,301 --> 00:33:36,305 like I'd never be on her level, never be enough for her or something like that. 506 00:33:36,340 --> 00:33:40,274 But what I did not get, she didn't care. 507 00:33:40,309 --> 00:33:45,330 She wasn't lookin' for that guy anymore, she was lookin' for me, for the Bob. 508 00:33:45,365 --> 00:33:49,343 But by the time I figured this all out, it's too late, man. She moved on. 509 00:33:49,378 --> 00:33:53,321 All I had to show for it was foolish pride which then gave way to regret. 510 00:33:55,357 --> 00:33:59,395 She was the girl. I know that now. 511 00:33:59,430 --> 00:34:02,387 But... 512 00:34:04,400 --> 00:34:06,391 I pushed her away. 513 00:34:12,408 --> 00:34:17,402 So I've spent every day since then chasing Amy. 514 00:34:19,415 --> 00:34:21,415 So to speak. 515 00:34:21,450 --> 00:34:25,409 Enough of this fuckin' melodrama. My advice? Forget her, dude. 516 00:34:26,455 --> 00:34:30,459 There's one bitch in the worid, one bitch with many faces. 517 00:34:30,494 --> 00:34:35,396 Get up, tons of fun. We gotta book. 518 00:34:35,431 --> 00:34:38,399 - Catchin'a bus to Chi-town. - Why? What's there? 519 00:34:38,434 --> 00:34:42,438 Business, yo. How many more of those fat envelopes we get comin' to us? 520 00:34:42,473 --> 00:34:45,406 Uh, I don't know. 521 00:34:45,441 --> 00:34:48,444 I don't know how much longer the book's gonna be around. 522 00:34:48,479 --> 00:34:51,412 Yeah, good. I'll be glad as shit when it's gone. 523 00:34:51,447 --> 00:34:55,484 There's a million people who'd love to see themself in a comic book. 524 00:34:55,519 --> 00:34:58,487 But that ain't like us at all, all slapsticky and shit, 525 00:34:58,522 --> 00:34:59,454 runnin' around like a couple of dickheads. 526 00:35:00,489 --> 00:35:02,457 Sayin'... What's that shit he got us sayin'? 527 00:35:03,525 --> 00:35:06,493 Oh, um... "snootchie-bootchies." 528 00:35:06,528 --> 00:35:11,522 "Snootchie-bootchies." Who the fuck talks like that? That is baby talk. 529 00:35:13,535 --> 00:35:16,538 It's a big worid, G. We're bound to run into you again. 530 00:35:16,573 --> 00:35:20,507 - Till then, keep your unit on ya. - I'll try. 531 00:35:20,542 --> 00:35:24,546 No, no, no, no, no. Do or do not. There is no try... 532 00:35:24,581 --> 00:35:28,549 Knock that shit off! We got a bus to catch. 533 00:35:28,584 --> 00:35:32,521 Jedi bitch. Man, what do you always have to tell that fuckin' gay story for? 534 00:35:32,556 --> 00:35:34,489 - Man, shut up. - You shut up, you fat fuck. 535 00:36:23,672 --> 00:36:25,639 Okay. 536 00:36:25,674 --> 00:36:30,679 You guys are probably wondering why I asked you here at the same time... 537 00:36:30,714 --> 00:36:34,183 knowing that we have shit to settle between us separately. 538 00:36:34,218 --> 00:36:37,653 I just figured you wanted to kill two birds with one stone. 539 00:36:37,688 --> 00:36:40,654 You know, by telling her to fuck off with me here... 540 00:36:40,689 --> 00:36:42,691 so you wouldn't have to go through the story again later on. 541 00:36:42,726 --> 00:36:46,695 - Fuck you. - Not even if you let me videotape it. 542 00:36:46,730 --> 00:36:49,687 Okay, enough. All right? 543 00:36:50,699 --> 00:36:53,667 Enough. 544 00:36:53,702 --> 00:36:57,706 Now, I've been going over and over and over this whole thing, 545 00:36:57,741 --> 00:37:00,674 and I've dissected it a thousand different ways. 546 00:37:00,709 --> 00:37:05,230 Banky, there's tension between you and I for the first time in our lives. 547 00:37:05,265 --> 00:37:09,751 You hate me dating Alyssa and you want me to sign off on this cartoon thing. 548 00:37:09,786 --> 00:37:11,753 How perceptive. 549 00:37:11,788 --> 00:37:15,756 Alyssa, 550 00:37:15,791 --> 00:37:17,758 you and I have hit a wall... 551 00:37:17,793 --> 00:37:22,798 'cause I don't know how to deal with your, uh, your past, I guess. 552 00:37:22,833 --> 00:37:24,765 That's a nice way of putting it. 553 00:37:24,800 --> 00:37:26,791 I'd have said "the whole double stuff" thing. 554 00:37:32,741 --> 00:37:36,734 I'm only gonna tell you this once: Shut up. 555 00:37:38,747 --> 00:37:40,747 Now, 556 00:37:40,782 --> 00:37:44,775 I know I'm to blame one way or another on both accounts. 557 00:37:45,821 --> 00:37:49,790 Alyssa, with you because... I feel inadequate, 558 00:37:49,825 --> 00:37:52,828 because you've had such a big life and so much experience, 559 00:37:52,863 --> 00:37:55,831 and my life's been pretty small in comparison. 560 00:37:55,866 --> 00:37:58,834 - That doesn't matter to me. - Please. 561 00:37:58,869 --> 00:38:01,802 I have to get through this, okay? 562 00:38:01,837 --> 00:38:06,842 Banky, I know why you're having such a hard time with me and Alyssa. 563 00:38:06,877 --> 00:38:09,845 It's something that's been obvious forever and I guess... 564 00:38:09,880 --> 00:38:12,837 I guess I just didn't acknowledge it. 565 00:38:14,883 --> 00:38:16,851 You're in love with me. 566 00:38:18,921 --> 00:38:20,888 What? 567 00:38:20,923 --> 00:38:24,927 You're attracted to me. Just as, in a way, I guess I'm... attracted to you. 568 00:38:24,962 --> 00:38:28,931 It makes sense. We've been together so long, we have so much in common. 569 00:38:28,966 --> 00:38:31,832 Well, I gotta get goin'. 570 00:38:31,867 --> 00:38:33,858 I gotta catch the last few minutes of Little House. 571 00:38:42,878 --> 00:38:44,869 It's somethin' you're gonna have to deal with, Bank. 572 00:38:46,882 --> 00:38:48,917 And that would explain your jealousy of Alyssa, 573 00:38:48,952 --> 00:38:51,919 your homophobia, your sense of humor... 574 00:38:51,954 --> 00:38:54,957 Jesus, just 'cause a guy's got a predilection toward dick jokes... 575 00:38:54,992 --> 00:38:56,925 Bank. Stop. 576 00:38:57,960 --> 00:39:00,952 Deal with it. You'll feel much better. 577 00:39:02,965 --> 00:39:04,956 Okay. 578 00:39:09,972 --> 00:39:13,976 Now, you guys are probably asking yourselves the same question... 579 00:39:14,011 --> 00:39:17,980 that I've been going over and over in my head the past few weeks: 580 00:39:18,015 --> 00:39:19,982 What does one have to do with the other? 581 00:39:20,017 --> 00:39:20,981 Don't. 582 00:39:21,016 --> 00:39:25,053 And when I did some serious soul-searching, 583 00:39:25,088 --> 00:39:27,020 it came to me from outta nowhere. 584 00:39:27,055 --> 00:39:32,995 And it all made sense. And a calm came over me. 585 00:39:33,030 --> 00:39:35,963 I know what we have to do. 586 00:39:35,998 --> 00:39:40,502 And then you, Banky, you, Alyssa, and I... 587 00:39:40,537 --> 00:39:45,007 all of us... can finally be... all right. 588 00:39:45,042 --> 00:39:46,998 Please don't say it. 589 00:39:50,012 --> 00:39:53,004 We've all gotta have sex together. 590 00:40:02,090 --> 00:40:04,057 I mean, look, don't you see? 591 00:40:04,092 --> 00:40:08,061 That would take care of everything. 592 00:40:08,096 --> 00:40:11,099 Alyssa, with you, I won't feel too inadequate or conservative anymore, 593 00:40:11,134 --> 00:40:15,120 because I'll have done something on a par with all your experience. 594 00:40:15,155 --> 00:40:19,107 And it will be with you, which will make it that much more powerful. 595 00:40:19,142 --> 00:40:21,074 Banky, you can take that leap... 596 00:40:21,109 --> 00:40:24,129 that everyone else but you sees you should take. 597 00:40:24,164 --> 00:40:26,674 And it'll be with me, your best friend for years. 598 00:40:26,709 --> 00:40:28,930 We've been everything to each other but intimates, 599 00:40:28,965 --> 00:40:31,152 and now we'll have been through that together too. 600 00:40:32,120 --> 00:40:34,087 And it won't be a total leap for you because a woman will be involved. 601 00:40:34,122 --> 00:40:38,081 And when it's over, all that hostility you feel toward Alyssa will be gone... 602 00:40:39,127 --> 00:40:41,129 because you'll have shared in something beautiful with the woman I love. 603 00:40:41,164 --> 00:40:44,097 It'll be cathartic. 604 00:40:44,132 --> 00:40:47,124 This will keep us together. 605 00:40:57,145 --> 00:40:59,170 What do ya say? 606 00:41:14,229 --> 00:41:16,220 Sure. 607 00:41:31,279 --> 00:41:34,265 You know I need this. 608 00:41:34,300 --> 00:41:37,252 You know it'll help. 609 00:41:37,287 --> 00:41:39,219 No. 610 00:41:39,254 --> 00:41:42,223 Thank Christ. 611 00:41:44,259 --> 00:41:47,251 Sorry. 612 00:41:52,267 --> 00:41:56,771 No? I thought you'd be into this. 613 00:41:56,806 --> 00:42:01,241 You did? What does that say about me? 614 00:42:01,276 --> 00:42:04,312 Sweetheart, you've done stuff like this before. 615 00:42:04,347 --> 00:42:06,279 This should be no big deal for you. 616 00:42:06,314 --> 00:42:10,307 You don't want this. You really don't want this. 617 00:42:11,353 --> 00:42:16,358 No, I do want this. This has to happen. Can't you see that? 618 00:42:16,393 --> 00:42:21,328 I mean, how can you not? No? What does that say about me? 619 00:42:21,363 --> 00:42:24,866 You can take it from two guys whose names you can hardly remember, 620 00:42:24,901 --> 00:42:28,370 but I ask you to share an experience about intimacy, and you say no? 621 00:42:28,405 --> 00:42:32,339 - I can't. - Baby, yes, you can. 622 00:42:32,374 --> 00:42:36,411 I'll be there. And when it's over we'll be the strongest we've ever been... 623 00:42:36,446 --> 00:42:38,378 'cause we'll have been through this together. 624 00:42:38,413 --> 00:42:42,451 Then we'll be on the same level and there'll be nothing we can't accomplish. 625 00:42:42,486 --> 00:42:46,410 Oh, Holden. 626 00:42:48,457 --> 00:42:50,424 That time is over for me. 627 00:42:50,459 --> 00:42:52,426 I've been there and I've done it... 628 00:42:52,461 --> 00:42:56,465 and I didn't find what I was looking for in any of it. 629 00:42:56,500 --> 00:43:00,434 I found that it you. In us. 630 00:43:00,469 --> 00:43:04,473 Doing this won't help you forget about the things you're hung up on. 631 00:43:04,508 --> 00:43:08,510 - It'll create more. - No. I've thought about all that. 632 00:43:08,545 --> 00:43:11,502 Yes, it will! 633 00:43:14,549 --> 00:43:18,518 Maybe you'll see me differently from then on. 634 00:43:18,553 --> 00:43:24,559 Maybe you'll despise me for going along with it once you're in the moment. 635 00:43:24,594 --> 00:43:26,526 Maybe I'll moan differently, 636 00:43:26,561 --> 00:43:30,565 and then you'll resent Banky and become suspicious of us. 637 00:43:30,600 --> 00:43:33,467 Or you'll alienate him because of it. 638 00:43:33,502 --> 00:43:38,507 You'll grow to blame and hate me for the deterioration of your friendship. 639 00:43:38,542 --> 00:43:42,509 Or what if... and God, I sincerely doubt it... 640 00:43:42,544 --> 00:43:46,548 but what if I saw something in Banky that I've never seen before, 641 00:43:46,583 --> 00:43:50,541 you know, and I fell in love with him and left you? 642 00:43:51,586 --> 00:43:55,590 I've been down roads like this before. 643 00:43:55,625 --> 00:43:57,558 Many times. 644 00:44:00,595 --> 00:44:05,600 I know you feel doing this will broaden your horizons... 645 00:44:05,635 --> 00:44:08,568 and give you experience. 646 00:44:08,603 --> 00:44:13,642 But I've had those experiences, on my own. 647 00:44:13,677 --> 00:44:17,646 And I can't accompany you on yours. 648 00:44:17,681 --> 00:44:19,637 I'm past that now. 649 00:44:25,687 --> 00:44:29,656 Or maybe I just love you too much. 650 00:44:29,691 --> 00:44:34,628 And I feel hurt and let down that you would want to share me with anyone. 651 00:44:35,630 --> 00:44:39,623 Because I would never want to share you. 652 00:44:51,680 --> 00:44:53,647 Regardless, 653 00:44:53,682 --> 00:44:56,718 I can't be a part of this. 654 00:44:56,753 --> 00:45:01,678 Or you. Not anymore. 655 00:45:03,725 --> 00:45:07,228 I love you. 656 00:45:07,263 --> 00:45:10,493 I always will. 657 00:45:10,528 --> 00:45:13,724 Know that. 658 00:45:19,774 --> 00:45:22,766 But I'm not your fucking whore. 659 00:45:27,816 --> 00:45:29,784 He's yours again. 660 00:46:28,910 --> 00:46:30,877 A blast from the past. 661 00:46:30,912 --> 00:46:32,846 Do you know how much it's going for these days? $110. 662 00:46:33,848 --> 00:46:35,884 You sign it, it'll push that up even higher. 663 00:46:35,919 --> 00:46:37,886 You sell it I want a kickback. 664 00:46:37,921 --> 00:46:39,853 I don't know if it's true, 665 00:46:39,888 --> 00:46:41,890 but I heard once there was going to be an animated series? 666 00:46:41,925 --> 00:46:44,404 - There was going to be. - What happened? 667 00:46:44,439 --> 00:46:46,884 You're lookin' at it. No Chronic, no cartoon. 668 00:46:47,896 --> 00:46:50,899 - That would have been awesome! - Tell me about it. 669 00:46:50,934 --> 00:46:53,435 So is that what happened with you and Holden McNeil? 670 00:46:53,470 --> 00:46:55,902 You got into a fight over the rights or something? 671 00:46:55,937 --> 00:46:59,941 - It was more complicated than that. - Whatever happened to that guy? 672 00:46:59,976 --> 00:47:02,461 I don't know. Quit the biz, I guess. 673 00:47:02,496 --> 00:47:04,946 So, you guys don't talk anymore? 674 00:47:04,981 --> 00:47:08,948 No. Not really. 675 00:47:08,983 --> 00:47:12,952 Yeah. That happened to me once. Me and this guy started a comic club. 676 00:47:12,987 --> 00:47:17,992 And we got into a fight over who looked better in bare legs, Electra or Robin. 677 00:47:18,027 --> 00:47:23,998 Anyway, I disbanded the club and struck out on my own, kinda like Nomad. 678 00:47:24,033 --> 00:47:28,001 I'm rambling on now. What I meant to say is... 679 00:47:28,036 --> 00:47:30,038 that you probably shouldn't have killed off Chronic. 680 00:47:30,073 --> 00:47:34,941 Guess not. Some doors just shouldn't be opened. 681 00:47:34,976 --> 00:47:37,979 Oh, like the door to death in Baby Dave's Winter Special, 682 00:47:38,014 --> 00:47:39,946 which you did on your own. 683 00:47:39,981 --> 00:47:44,001 See? You don't need that McNeil guy, anyway. You do great work on your own. 684 00:47:44,036 --> 00:47:48,022 Look at your line work. Look at all the detail in this douche bag on page 18. 685 00:47:48,057 --> 00:47:49,989 Look at how you draw a fart. 686 00:47:50,024 --> 00:47:52,992 And tell me you're not better off without Holden McNeil. 687 00:47:53,027 --> 00:47:56,030 I mean, you were just carrying that guy like a brown-bag lunch, 688 00:47:56,065 --> 00:47:57,997 you know what I'm saying? 689 00:47:58,032 --> 00:48:02,035 - You're so right. - Yeah, well, the true fans always are. 690 00:48:02,070 --> 00:48:07,064 Well, keep up the good work, man. Love those dick jokes. Love 'em. 691 00:48:09,077 --> 00:48:11,068 See ya. 692 00:48:14,115 --> 00:48:16,083 Yeah. 693 00:48:18,119 --> 00:48:20,087 Bye. 694 00:48:31,132 --> 00:48:34,101 Okay. Who's next? 695 00:48:35,103 --> 00:48:37,094 Hi. 696 00:48:44,112 --> 00:48:46,103 Thanks for readin' it. 697 00:48:47,115 --> 00:48:50,151 I can't believe this place. These people are so weird. 698 00:48:50,186 --> 00:48:52,118 You wanted to come. 699 00:48:52,153 --> 00:48:54,655 God, I can't believe you call these people contemporaries. 700 00:48:54,690 --> 00:48:57,158 Look at this guy over here with the pointy ears? What's that? 701 00:48:57,193 --> 00:48:59,125 - He's a Vulcan. - A what? 702 00:48:59,160 --> 00:49:01,127 A Vulcan. Jesus, potzer. 703 00:49:01,162 --> 00:49:04,165 Why don't you take a walk and get us something to drink? 704 00:49:04,200 --> 00:49:05,189 Okay, I will. 705 00:49:24,252 --> 00:49:26,254 Um, this isn't one of mine. 706 00:49:26,289 --> 00:49:28,222 It's mine. 707 00:49:30,258 --> 00:49:32,158 I saved you a copy. 708 00:49:35,196 --> 00:49:37,215 Hi. 709 00:49:37,250 --> 00:49:39,199 Hi. 710 00:49:39,234 --> 00:49:41,201 How've you been? 711 00:49:41,236 --> 00:49:46,241 Uh, good. Really good. Yourself? 712 00:49:46,276 --> 00:49:48,232 Good. 713 00:49:55,283 --> 00:49:58,251 The new issue's selling like crazy, for some reason. 714 00:49:58,286 --> 00:50:02,290 Yeah, well, it's because it's really good. I liked it a lot. 715 00:50:02,325 --> 00:50:04,258 Thank you. 716 00:50:06,294 --> 00:50:09,814 I haven't even seen this yet. Did it just come out? 717 00:50:09,849 --> 00:50:13,334 Uh, oh, about a month ago. I did a really small run. 718 00:50:13,369 --> 00:50:15,336 Self-financed, only about 500 issues. 719 00:50:15,371 --> 00:50:18,328 Will I enjoy it? 720 00:50:19,340 --> 00:50:21,331 You might. It's familiar subject matter. 721 00:50:39,327 --> 00:50:43,354 Looks like a very personal story. 722 00:50:46,367 --> 00:50:50,360 I finally had something personal to say. 723 00:50:55,376 --> 00:50:58,379 Well, I'm gonna go. I don't wanna hold up your line here. 724 00:50:58,414 --> 00:51:01,347 Yeah. 725 00:51:01,382 --> 00:51:05,420 I mean, it can get ugly. I just saw this nun call a small child a cunt-rag. 726 00:51:13,428 --> 00:51:16,464 You know, read that, if you have a minute. 727 00:51:16,499 --> 00:51:18,455 I will. 728 00:51:22,470 --> 00:51:27,475 If you get the chance, call me. I'd like to hear your thoughts, or... whatever. 729 00:51:27,510 --> 00:51:30,467 Okay. 730 00:51:31,446 --> 00:51:33,414 Okay. 731 00:51:36,451 --> 00:51:38,936 It was really nice seeing you again. 732 00:51:38,971 --> 00:51:41,422 It was really nice to see you too. 733 00:51:55,503 --> 00:51:58,506 - Who was that? - Huh? 734 00:51:58,541 --> 00:52:00,497 Who was that? 735 00:52:10,551 --> 00:52:14,510 Oh, just some guy I knew. 736 00:52:27,602 --> 00:52:31,595 Next. So, what do you want to do tonight? 737 00:52:32,607 --> 00:52:38,129 #I was tappin'my foot on a Friday night # 738 00:52:38,164 --> 00:52:43,616 # To my favorite band I was pushed aside # 739 00:52:43,651 --> 00:52:48,672 #I said hey, don't push me No, no, no one pushes me # 740 00:52:48,707 --> 00:52:53,694 # When I was face to face with a woman I admired # 741 00:52:53,729 --> 00:52:55,213 #And she gave me this look 742 00:52:55,248 --> 00:52:56,697 #And she gave me this look 743 00:52:56,732 --> 00:52:58,664 I could not believe # 744 00:52:58,699 --> 00:53:03,693 #And the cold stare remained I wanted to leave # 745 00:53:05,706 --> 00:53:10,700 # Yeah, I do believe anger is offset by sorrow # 746 00:53:11,712 --> 00:53:15,750 #But you destroy today you might regret tomorrow # 747 00:53:15,785 --> 00:53:18,753 # When you're young and defensive # 748 00:53:18,788 --> 00:53:20,720 #It comes off offensive # 749 00:53:20,755 --> 00:53:26,243 #And it's hard to repay the tolerance that you borrowed # 750 00:53:26,278 --> 00:53:31,732 # The lasting relationship sinks right off the pier # 751 00:53:31,767 --> 00:53:35,725 # Who wears the pants It's faded but clear # 752 00:53:38,739 --> 00:53:42,743 #She's your girlfriend and she ain't too fond of me # 753 00:53:42,778 --> 00:53:48,783 #I guess if that's the way it was meant to be # 754 00:53:48,818 --> 00:53:53,299 # There we were just we three # 755 00:53:53,334 --> 00:53:57,781 # You, your girlfriend and me # 756 00:54:20,848 --> 00:54:25,386 #I've known you forever You two just met # 757 00:54:25,421 --> 00:54:29,889 #So easily amused how fast we forget # 758 00:54:29,924 --> 00:54:34,861 #Ain't my jealousy my self-righteous greed # 759 00:54:35,863 --> 00:54:40,367 #She's a bit like a book I'm too farsighted to read # 760 00:54:40,402 --> 00:54:44,872 #And I wish you the best but sometimes feel the need # 761 00:54:44,907 --> 00:54:49,866 # To say Remember me # 762 00:54:51,879 --> 00:54:56,873 # Yeah, she's your girlfriend as far as we can see # 763 00:54:57,919 --> 00:55:01,912 #Does she look at you the way she looks at me # 764 00:55:02,957 --> 00:55:07,456 #And here we are just we three # 765 00:55:07,491 --> 00:55:11,955 # You, your girlfriend and me # 766 00:55:13,968 --> 00:55:18,973 #She's your girlfriend it's gettin'harder to see # 767 00:55:19,008 --> 00:55:23,943 #Betterjust take her home Betterjust let her be # 768 00:55:23,978 --> 00:55:28,972 # When she walks out that door you come looking for me ## 769 00:55:42,997 --> 00:55:46,000 Man, what do you always have to tell that fuckin'gay story for? 770 00:55:46,035 --> 00:55:48,992 - Man, shut up. - You shut up, you fat fuck.