1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:21,668 More My Movies: www. thepiratebay. org/user/Movie4All/ 2 00:00:25,607 --> 00:00:28,041 WOMAN 1 ON RADIO.� Are you sitting quite comfortably? 3 00:00:29,567 --> 00:00:31,159 Then I'll begin. 4 00:00:35,207 --> 00:00:38,438 MAN 1 ON RADIO.� And the Home Service will be on the air at 6.�45, 5 00:00:38,527 --> 00:00:40,119 with a market report for farmers. 6 00:00:40,487 --> 00:00:43,684 MAN 2 ON RADIO.� No, no, I'm the treasurer of the Picnic Committee. 7 00:00:44,287 --> 00:00:45,356 WOMAN 2.� The treasurer? 8 00:00:46,087 --> 00:00:48,885 MAN 3 ON RADIO.� Answers, please. Not to me, but to our producer. 9 00:00:48,967 --> 00:00:50,844 Cheerio! See you next week! 10 00:01:03,247 --> 00:01:06,683 - Good night, Dad. - Good night, James. Straight to bed. 11 00:01:07,527 --> 00:01:10,724 - Good night, Mum. - Good night, James. Sleep tight! 12 00:01:12,567 --> 00:01:14,876 Off with the lights now, please. 13 00:01:38,327 --> 00:01:40,318 It's 9:00 at night and the dull dudes on the planet 14 00:01:40,407 --> 00:01:42,318 are sitting in their slippers sipping their sherries, 15 00:01:42,407 --> 00:01:44,284 but the people who love to rock and to roll 16 00:01:44,367 --> 00:01:46,642 are ready to ride the rock 'n' roller-coaster once more. 17 00:01:46,727 --> 00:01:49,287 You are listening to Radio Rock and I'm the Count, and I'm counting on you, 18 00:01:49,367 --> 00:01:55,522 as we count down to ecstasy and rock all day and all of the night. 19 00:03:20,687 --> 00:03:24,282 - How much longer? - No time at all. There she is. 20 00:03:24,567 --> 00:03:26,000 Where she is? 21 00:03:26,167 --> 00:03:27,600 There she is. 22 00:03:36,207 --> 00:03:38,960 - I'm here to see Quentin. - Come, come. 23 00:03:49,287 --> 00:03:50,436 QUENTIN: Enter. 24 00:03:53,327 --> 00:03:55,079 - Carl? - Yes. 25 00:03:55,167 --> 00:03:56,919 My favourite godson. 26 00:03:57,967 --> 00:04:00,606 - Have we met before? - I don't think so. 27 00:04:00,847 --> 00:04:03,964 No. There was a lost decade, so I always have to check. 28 00:04:04,047 --> 00:04:06,197 - How's your mum? - She's fine. 29 00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:09,561 Not over-fond of me at the moment. 30 00:04:10,287 --> 00:04:12,517 She's a very attractive woman. 31 00:04:12,647 --> 00:04:14,717 - Well, I... - No, seriously. 32 00:04:14,807 --> 00:04:18,436 I mean, to you, she's your mum, but to people of my age, 33 00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:20,798 she's a sexual legend. 34 00:04:21,887 --> 00:04:22,922 So... 35 00:04:24,567 --> 00:04:25,886 Expelled? 36 00:04:26,407 --> 00:04:28,363 - That's right. - What for? 37 00:04:28,967 --> 00:04:32,357 I suppose smoking was the clincher. 38 00:04:32,447 --> 00:04:34,278 Drugs or cigarettes? 39 00:04:34,367 --> 00:04:35,925 Well, both. 40 00:04:37,367 --> 00:04:38,686 Well done. 41 00:04:39,407 --> 00:04:40,840 Proud of you. 42 00:04:41,647 --> 00:04:45,845 So your mum sent you here in the hope that a little bracing sea air would sort you out? 43 00:04:45,927 --> 00:04:48,760 - Something like that. - Spectacular mistake. 44 00:04:50,287 --> 00:04:54,519 But, if you don't drown, we can at least help you to give up smoking and drug-taking. 45 00:04:54,607 --> 00:04:57,565 I just have and I feel so much better for it. 46 00:04:58,247 --> 00:04:59,566 Cigarette? 47 00:05:01,407 --> 00:05:02,886 No, thank you. 48 00:05:03,807 --> 00:05:05,001 Spliff? 49 00:05:08,447 --> 00:05:12,884 Excuse me, everyone. Could I introduce Carl, my godson? 50 00:05:13,287 --> 00:05:16,324 Welcome aboard. I'm the Count. I must be obeyed. 51 00:05:16,407 --> 00:05:17,920 It's an honour. 52 00:05:18,407 --> 00:05:19,681 Hi, Carl. 53 00:05:19,767 --> 00:05:22,839 Don't miss Simple Simon's Super Sunday Smashes. I'm Simon. 54 00:05:22,927 --> 00:05:25,077 That's why I just said that. 55 00:05:25,247 --> 00:05:27,920 Hi, I'm Angus "The Nut" Nutsford. 56 00:05:28,007 --> 00:05:31,044 Hello there. I'm John, News and Information Gathering. 57 00:05:31,127 --> 00:05:32,526 Hi, I'm Felicity. 58 00:05:32,607 --> 00:05:34,598 - I didn't think girls were... - I'm a lesbian. 59 00:05:34,687 --> 00:05:36,006 Who cooks. 60 00:05:36,167 --> 00:05:37,486 - Of course. - Have a piece of toast. 61 00:05:37,567 --> 00:05:39,717 - Could I have a Mars? - Don't touch those, I've just arranged them. 62 00:05:39,807 --> 00:05:42,082 Do you... Do you know what a lesbian is? 63 00:05:42,167 --> 00:05:43,964 - I do. - Fun times, eh? 64 00:05:44,047 --> 00:05:45,526 FELIClTY: Anyone, toast, toast? 65 00:05:45,607 --> 00:05:47,199 I'm Thick Kevin. 66 00:05:47,527 --> 00:05:50,439 - Your delightful roommate. - Great. I'm Carl. 67 00:05:51,087 --> 00:05:53,282 - Cool name. - Why Thick Kevin? 68 00:05:53,447 --> 00:05:56,723 - I don't... - It's 'cause he's really, really thick. 69 00:05:56,967 --> 00:05:58,958 This is, of course, Dave. 70 00:05:59,407 --> 00:06:00,522 Wow. 71 00:06:00,607 --> 00:06:02,882 Big, but very beautiful. 72 00:06:03,527 --> 00:06:06,439 Welcome to the Boat of Love. 73 00:06:06,807 --> 00:06:10,402 ANNOUNCER ON RADIO.� You know, if God were a DJ, he'd be on this station. 74 00:06:11,967 --> 00:06:14,845 Let's have a tune, I'm sick of this silence. 75 00:06:21,287 --> 00:06:24,563 And that was the sound of someone who missed last Sunday's chart show. 76 00:06:24,647 --> 00:06:26,444 ANNOUNCER ON RADIO.� Don't go mad and shoot yourself in the head. 77 00:06:26,527 --> 00:06:28,483 Listen to Simple Simon's show... 78 00:06:28,567 --> 00:06:30,125 Why am I queuing up my own records? 79 00:06:30,207 --> 00:06:32,641 While I was swimming, I passed by a squirrel. 80 00:06:32,727 --> 00:06:34,285 I just broke the knob off the record player. 81 00:06:34,367 --> 00:06:37,086 Let's do it right now. I'm busting for a wee. 82 00:06:37,167 --> 00:06:38,316 A small knob. I like it. 83 00:06:38,407 --> 00:06:40,796 I said, "Mr Squirrel, why are you swimming on your back?" 84 00:06:40,887 --> 00:06:42,161 Voil�! 85 00:06:42,527 --> 00:06:44,961 "Well, I swim on my back to keep my nuts dry. " 86 00:06:45,047 --> 00:06:47,402 I'm on fire! All right, I'm out. 87 00:06:47,487 --> 00:06:49,045 You're probably still at school, it's 20 to 3:00. 88 00:06:49,127 --> 00:06:52,597 Or you might be bunking off, in which case, good on you. 89 00:06:52,687 --> 00:06:54,040 - Carl? - Yes. 90 00:06:54,927 --> 00:06:56,724 - How you doing? - Quite good, thank you. 91 00:06:56,807 --> 00:06:58,320 - Are you nervous? - A little bit. 92 00:06:58,407 --> 00:07:01,399 - Come over here. Yeah, come over here. - There? 93 00:07:01,847 --> 00:07:03,166 Come on. 94 00:07:03,647 --> 00:07:05,444 Welcome. Turn around. 95 00:07:06,567 --> 00:07:07,716 Now get the fuck out. 96 00:07:09,807 --> 00:07:14,085 SIMON: Okay, so the Tuesday night of fun starts here. We're ready... 97 00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:17,079 - We're ready. Gather 'round. - Steam, steam, steam, steam. 98 00:07:17,167 --> 00:07:22,036 Okay, so the teams are Dave and the Count 99 00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:25,957 versus Young Carl and Thick Kevin. 100 00:07:26,327 --> 00:07:27,442 Okay? 101 00:07:27,607 --> 00:07:30,644 Don't worry, it's not because I'm actually thick that I'm called Thick Kevin, 102 00:07:30,727 --> 00:07:32,524 it's just a nickname. 103 00:07:32,607 --> 00:07:36,156 That's right. So, who wants to go first? 104 00:07:36,367 --> 00:07:37,561 - Wanna guess? I'll guess, fine. 105 00:07:37,647 --> 00:07:39,638 SIMON: All right, who's going? Big Bad Dave. 106 00:07:39,727 --> 00:07:42,525 SIMON: No looking. 30 seconds starting from now! 107 00:07:43,367 --> 00:07:44,925 Easy. Your president. 108 00:07:45,007 --> 00:07:46,122 - What? - Your president. 109 00:07:46,207 --> 00:07:48,004 - Lyndon Johnson. - Yes! 110 00:07:48,527 --> 00:07:51,200 - He wrote Oliver Twist. - Charles Dickens. 111 00:07:51,287 --> 00:07:52,720 Go, go, go, go, go, go! 112 00:07:52,807 --> 00:07:55,002 Lovely. Lead singer of The Rolling Stones. 113 00:07:55,087 --> 00:07:56,759 Mick Jagger. - Yes. 114 00:07:58,287 --> 00:08:00,926 - Is a spy, 007, yes! - Bond, James Bond! 115 00:08:01,087 --> 00:08:03,043 And the actor who plays. 116 00:08:03,127 --> 00:08:04,799 "Hello, I'm James Bond. " 117 00:08:05,527 --> 00:08:07,119 The actor who plays 007... Yes! - Sean Connery. 118 00:08:07,207 --> 00:08:09,357 - Quickly, quickly. Time, time, time. - Hello, I'm a Beatle. 119 00:08:09,447 --> 00:08:11,244 - I'm one of the Beatles. - Time, time, time, no, no, no, no. 120 00:08:11,327 --> 00:08:13,363 - That one doesn't count. - That was gonna be good. 121 00:08:13,447 --> 00:08:15,881 SIMON: That's 6 to 0. I feel good about this one. 122 00:08:15,967 --> 00:08:18,276 Forget it now. - Well, all right. 123 00:08:18,407 --> 00:08:19,806 Ready to rock. 124 00:08:19,887 --> 00:08:22,196 Okay, the thing about Kev is you gotta think outside the box. 125 00:08:22,287 --> 00:08:23,481 - Think outside the box. - He's ready to rock. 126 00:08:23,567 --> 00:08:26,001 SIMON: Forget about the box. Thirty seconds from now! 127 00:08:26,087 --> 00:08:27,759 Go! You can do it. 128 00:08:29,287 --> 00:08:32,245 It's a type of bird, but it's wearing a hat. 129 00:08:32,527 --> 00:08:35,121 It's a type of bird, but it's wearing a hat. 130 00:08:35,207 --> 00:08:36,242 Fucking genius. He's just nervous. 131 00:08:36,327 --> 00:08:37,396 KEVIN: Not so much a hat. 132 00:08:37,487 --> 00:08:41,958 Something that's at the top of a coat and attached to the coat 133 00:08:42,047 --> 00:08:44,845 and covers the head, but is not a hat. 134 00:08:44,927 --> 00:08:47,236 - A hood? - Yes, and now first name, type of bird. 135 00:08:47,327 --> 00:08:49,795 - It's a something hood. - Robin Hood! 136 00:08:52,647 --> 00:08:55,400 Why didn't you just say he lived in Sherwood Forest and has a bow and arrow? 137 00:08:55,487 --> 00:08:57,398 Yeah? What? Who are you talking about? 138 00:08:57,487 --> 00:08:58,840 Robin Hood. 139 00:08:59,167 --> 00:09:01,362 - I didn't know that. Counting down. 140 00:09:01,447 --> 00:09:03,722 Right, hang on, no. Tricky one. 141 00:09:04,007 --> 00:09:05,918 SIMON: It's like he's having a stroke. 142 00:09:06,007 --> 00:09:07,281 Nice guy. 143 00:09:08,247 --> 00:09:10,363 - Nice guy? - KEVIN: Yes, very nice guy. 144 00:09:10,447 --> 00:09:12,677 - Really nice guy. Is that it? 145 00:09:12,767 --> 00:09:16,521 No. Has lots of friends. Has long hair. 146 00:09:16,607 --> 00:09:17,596 Ah! 147 00:09:17,767 --> 00:09:20,918 - Jimi Hendrix? - No, much older. 148 00:09:21,007 --> 00:09:24,079 - No shoes. - I know this. 149 00:09:25,047 --> 00:09:28,483 Nice guy, has long hair, doesn't have any shoes. 150 00:09:28,567 --> 00:09:29,636 KEVIN: Think about it. 151 00:09:29,727 --> 00:09:31,797 - Must be... - It's like watching a baby drown. 152 00:09:31,887 --> 00:09:33,320 Wore a dress. 153 00:09:33,607 --> 00:09:35,165 - Dress? - Wore a dress! 154 00:09:35,247 --> 00:09:36,805 This had better not be Jesus. 155 00:09:36,887 --> 00:09:38,605 - Yes, Jesus! - Obviously! 156 00:09:38,687 --> 00:09:39,915 Rock on! 157 00:09:40,007 --> 00:09:42,805 Why didn't you say he was the Son of God? 158 00:09:43,167 --> 00:09:44,361 Was he? 159 00:09:47,007 --> 00:09:49,840 Now, there is one final matter to discuss. 160 00:09:50,807 --> 00:09:53,275 - Pirate radio. Goodness. 161 00:09:53,567 --> 00:09:57,242 - In whose department does this fall? - That would be me, Prime Minister. 162 00:09:57,327 --> 00:10:00,364 What's the plan, Sir Alistair? They're very popular. 163 00:10:00,447 --> 00:10:02,915 And they're not actually breaking any law that we know of. 164 00:10:03,007 --> 00:10:05,965 We're going to shut them down within the year. 165 00:10:06,047 --> 00:10:10,677 They are a sewer of dirty and irresponsible commercialism 166 00:10:10,767 --> 00:10:12,723 and low morals. 167 00:10:13,407 --> 00:10:14,476 PRIME MINlSTER: Indeed. 168 00:10:14,567 --> 00:10:18,606 - Very well. I leave it in your capable hands. - Thank you very much, Prime Minister. 169 00:10:18,687 --> 00:10:20,166 Thank you all. 170 00:10:27,247 --> 00:10:31,479 Full news again in one hour with me, John Mayford. Till then, this man. 171 00:10:31,567 --> 00:10:32,556 This was the deal. 172 00:10:32,647 --> 00:10:35,798 I asked all of you to demand of me to do a very foolish thing, 173 00:10:37,127 --> 00:10:39,561 and you sent in ideas in their millions. 174 00:10:39,647 --> 00:10:42,115 But one idea has defeated them all, 175 00:10:42,327 --> 00:10:46,240 so I'm proud to announce I will soon be the first person to say the "F" word 176 00:10:46,327 --> 00:10:50,161 on rock 'n' roll radio in the United Kingdom of Great Britain. 177 00:10:50,887 --> 00:10:54,323 But my aim is not to offend, it is to entertain. 178 00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:56,762 But also, perhaps, to educate a little. 179 00:10:56,847 --> 00:11:00,396 Because if you shoot a bullet, someone dies. When you drop a bomb, many die. 180 00:11:00,487 --> 00:11:02,364 If you hit a woman, love dies. 181 00:11:02,447 --> 00:11:06,122 But if you say the "F" word, nothing actually happens. 182 00:11:06,607 --> 00:11:10,566 So here it comes. Especially for you, the "F" word. 183 00:11:15,527 --> 00:11:18,837 First, though, this very fine piece of music. 184 00:11:20,367 --> 00:11:22,278 - You can't do this. - Why not? It's just a word! 185 00:11:22,367 --> 00:11:23,925 Charming thought, but here's the simple situation. 186 00:11:24,007 --> 00:11:26,680 The authorities already dislike us. If you do this they will hate us, 187 00:11:26,767 --> 00:11:28,883 and by hook or by crook, they'll find a way to close us down. 188 00:11:28,967 --> 00:11:31,481 They can't close us down. We're pirates. That's why we're sitting out here 189 00:11:31,567 --> 00:11:32,636 in the middle of the freaking ocean. 190 00:11:32,727 --> 00:11:37,039 Believe me, they will find a way. Governments loathe people being free. 191 00:11:38,287 --> 00:11:39,402 Okay. 192 00:11:42,487 --> 00:11:44,637 Okay, I'm thinking about it. 193 00:11:51,007 --> 00:11:54,079 My dear comrades, I have some sad news. 194 00:11:54,167 --> 00:11:57,204 The powers that be have decreed that the "F" word is a word too far. 195 00:11:57,287 --> 00:12:01,246 But at least for now, even though our dreams of freedom have died a tragic death, 196 00:12:01,447 --> 00:12:03,597 the Hollies are still alive. 197 00:12:05,247 --> 00:12:06,362 Thank you. 198 00:12:06,447 --> 00:12:09,325 I don't know why you did that. I was just gonna say "fuck" once. 199 00:12:09,407 --> 00:12:10,726 You know, one tiny little "fuck. " 200 00:12:10,807 --> 00:12:12,559 There's no such thing as a tiny little "fuck. " 201 00:12:12,647 --> 00:12:14,763 Yeah there is. You should ask Angus' girlfriend. 202 00:12:15,927 --> 00:12:19,078 Be that as it may, there's no "fuck" so small it won't fuck us up. 203 00:12:19,167 --> 00:12:21,886 One day, in a world of dreams, you'll be able to say "wank" 204 00:12:21,967 --> 00:12:25,880 or "bollocks" or even "cock" on the radio. But "fuck," never. 205 00:12:25,967 --> 00:12:27,878 - Excuse me, my Lordship. - Yes, Harold? 206 00:12:27,967 --> 00:12:30,606 You've left your mike up in the studio. 207 00:12:35,167 --> 00:12:36,486 So I have. 208 00:12:39,447 --> 00:12:41,961 I do apologise to everyone out there 209 00:12:45,007 --> 00:12:49,444 for the four... Or was it five "F" words, Quentin? 210 00:12:49,527 --> 00:12:52,166 The Hollies will continue undisturbed. 211 00:12:53,447 --> 00:12:56,245 I'm so sorry about that, Quentin, but you know, 212 00:12:56,327 --> 00:12:59,080 I thought you sounded good. You have a lovely voice for radio. 213 00:12:59,167 --> 00:13:00,441 Fuck off. 214 00:13:00,967 --> 00:13:03,162 That makes it six, Quentin. 215 00:13:03,247 --> 00:13:06,444 It couldn't have turned out better, in my opinion. 216 00:13:08,127 --> 00:13:12,882 Right. Good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning. Please sit down. 217 00:13:14,567 --> 00:13:17,161 Pirate radio stations. Good, good, good, good, good. 218 00:13:17,247 --> 00:13:20,762 Now, I have told the Prime Minister that we will shut them down within 12 months. 219 00:13:20,847 --> 00:13:25,716 As you will see, sir, they're not in fact outside of the law at the moment, sir. 220 00:13:26,887 --> 00:13:29,720 Then they soon will be, won't they, Mr... 221 00:13:29,807 --> 00:13:31,206 - Fredericks. - Fredericks. 222 00:13:31,287 --> 00:13:32,845 You see, that's the whole point of being the government. 223 00:13:32,927 --> 00:13:37,637 If you don't like something, you simply make up a new law that makes it illegal. 224 00:13:37,727 --> 00:13:40,605 - Speaking of which, Mr... - Fredericks. 225 00:13:40,687 --> 00:13:41,722 - Fredericks. - Yes, sir? 226 00:13:41,807 --> 00:13:46,801 I think we might also start working on legislation to outlaw that haircut of yours. 227 00:13:47,487 --> 00:13:51,241 - You don't like it, sir? - No one likes it. Apart from blind people. 228 00:13:51,327 --> 00:13:54,080 And I'm sure even they can sense its profound ugliness as it passes by. 229 00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:55,486 I'll give you a day to deal with the hair, 230 00:13:55,567 --> 00:13:57,956 and a fortnight to deal with the pirates. Goodbye. 231 00:13:58,047 --> 00:14:00,925 Miss C, as I suspected, totally useless! 232 00:14:01,127 --> 00:14:03,402 - Send me that clever new chap! - Certainly, sir! 233 00:14:03,487 --> 00:14:06,604 I have a job for him. We have some damage to do. 234 00:14:07,127 --> 00:14:10,164 Good morning, everybody. You're listening to Simple Simon's Breakfast Show 235 00:14:10,247 --> 00:14:12,761 on 203 metres in the medium waveband. 236 00:14:12,847 --> 00:14:17,557 You're one of 23 million people listening to the Boat of Love this morning. 237 00:14:17,767 --> 00:14:19,917 Looking forward to Saturday? 238 00:14:20,007 --> 00:14:23,158 - What's Saturday? - Saturday! Sensational Saturday! 239 00:14:24,327 --> 00:14:27,842 As you may have noticed, there are, unfortunubbly, no women on this boat, 240 00:14:27,927 --> 00:14:30,236 - apart from Felicity... - FELIClTY: Hiya! 241 00:14:30,327 --> 00:14:32,557 ...who is of the lesbionic tendency. 242 00:14:32,647 --> 00:14:37,402 But every second Saturday, each DJ is allowed to invite one girl onto the boat. 243 00:14:40,847 --> 00:14:43,156 So, any idea who'll you'll invite? 244 00:14:44,527 --> 00:14:45,642 God. 245 00:14:46,007 --> 00:14:49,761 Presumably there's a sort of presumption that there'll be... 246 00:14:50,167 --> 00:14:52,158 - Sex, of some sort. - Every time. 247 00:14:52,247 --> 00:14:54,044 Yeah. Then no. 248 00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:56,960 I've spent my life at all-boys' schools. 249 00:14:57,207 --> 00:14:59,641 The closest I've ever come to a snog 250 00:14:59,727 --> 00:15:03,083 is when I was once licked on the face by a horse. 251 00:15:03,487 --> 00:15:06,081 - Sounds good, actually. A horse? 252 00:15:06,327 --> 00:15:09,399 I'm sorry to hear that, Carl, my son. I would seriously like to help. 253 00:15:09,487 --> 00:15:10,886 I will put my mind to it. 254 00:15:10,967 --> 00:15:13,356 - Miss Peacock. - How are you lined up, eh? 255 00:15:13,447 --> 00:15:18,646 - Well, her name is Daphne. - And she likes the bearded man. 256 00:15:18,727 --> 00:15:20,843 - She does, indeed. - With a tiny knob. 257 00:15:20,927 --> 00:15:22,201 Whatever. 258 00:15:22,727 --> 00:15:25,002 I've got a tiny knob, actually. 259 00:15:25,687 --> 00:15:27,484 But I rather like it. 260 00:15:28,047 --> 00:15:30,720 It means I can wear smaller underpants. 261 00:15:33,687 --> 00:15:37,043 Don't know what that means. I didn't understand any of that. 262 00:15:37,127 --> 00:15:38,480 What about other... 263 00:15:39,327 --> 00:15:42,364 Who's that guy up there? I haven't met him yet. 264 00:15:43,247 --> 00:15:44,805 QUENTIN: That is Mark. 265 00:15:45,167 --> 00:15:48,637 He's the sexiest man on the planet. Hardly ever speaks. 266 00:15:48,727 --> 00:15:52,163 Not even when he's broadcasting, which is interesting. 267 00:15:53,247 --> 00:15:55,203 So that's Midnight Mark. 268 00:16:12,647 --> 00:16:13,841 Thanks. 269 00:16:21,087 --> 00:16:22,156 Wow. 270 00:16:24,367 --> 00:16:25,516 Now... 271 00:16:34,247 --> 00:16:37,080 - You not got anyone? - No. No, not today. 272 00:16:37,447 --> 00:16:40,405 I guess I'm really... I'm looking for that "one true love" thing. 273 00:16:40,487 --> 00:16:43,320 - Really? - Yeah. Yeah. Big time. 274 00:16:45,087 --> 00:16:47,043 - You dig the dream? - I dig the dream. 275 00:16:47,127 --> 00:16:49,038 Yeah, it's a good dream. 276 00:16:49,127 --> 00:16:51,402 - Here they come. - Here they come. 277 00:16:51,487 --> 00:16:53,000 There they are! 278 00:16:53,167 --> 00:16:54,236 Wow. 279 00:16:56,727 --> 00:16:57,921 Wowzer. 280 00:17:05,127 --> 00:17:07,766 Oh, my God, it's like a boat of honey. 281 00:17:11,847 --> 00:17:13,997 I wanna sleep with them all! 282 00:17:17,367 --> 00:17:20,006 - Hi. - Welcome aboard! 283 00:17:24,887 --> 00:17:26,240 Do a twirl! 284 00:17:32,207 --> 00:17:34,118 I need a big drink. 285 00:17:34,207 --> 00:17:36,004 I agree. Let's leave. 286 00:18:08,287 --> 00:18:10,357 Right, hurry, up the steps. 287 00:18:11,247 --> 00:18:15,923 Do you mind if I call you guys by the same name? Twins can be very confusing. 288 00:18:21,687 --> 00:18:23,882 This is actually a very interesting book. 289 00:18:23,967 --> 00:18:25,719 - Is it? - Yes, it's... 290 00:18:26,447 --> 00:18:28,165 My father used to collect woodpeckers. 291 00:18:28,247 --> 00:18:29,919 - Really? - Yeah! No. 292 00:18:30,167 --> 00:18:33,637 No, my father was an architect. How about you? What did your father do? 293 00:18:33,727 --> 00:18:37,959 Well, he had sex with my mum and then left without leaving his name or address. 294 00:18:38,047 --> 00:18:39,639 - No. - Yeah. 295 00:18:40,047 --> 00:18:41,639 - No! - It's cool. 296 00:18:41,727 --> 00:18:44,560 I... You don't miss what you've never had. 297 00:18:49,687 --> 00:18:51,723 Nothing planned, you guys? 298 00:18:51,847 --> 00:18:53,519 - No, no. - Well, yes. 299 00:18:54,127 --> 00:18:57,597 Another very quiet afternoon for me and my sex life. 300 00:19:00,647 --> 00:19:02,080 The sad room. 301 00:19:05,887 --> 00:19:07,206 Come here. 302 00:19:08,047 --> 00:19:09,799 I've come to get you out of your predicament. 303 00:19:09,887 --> 00:19:10,922 What predicament? 304 00:19:11,007 --> 00:19:14,795 The whole sad act. No girl, unused pencil-sized penis predicament. 305 00:19:16,167 --> 00:19:17,805 That predicament. 306 00:19:18,287 --> 00:19:19,766 Walk this way. 307 00:19:22,287 --> 00:19:24,039 Don't walk that way. 308 00:19:24,167 --> 00:19:27,364 - No. Walk woodpecker way. - Well, I'm just gonna... 309 00:19:31,407 --> 00:19:34,080 Okay. Okay, it might work. 310 00:19:34,847 --> 00:19:36,280 But one, it's morally wrong. 311 00:19:36,367 --> 00:19:38,278 - Well, I mean, is it? - Yes. 312 00:19:38,367 --> 00:19:42,326 And two, it might not work. In which case I'm gonna be the biggest idiot in the world. 313 00:19:42,407 --> 00:19:45,046 All this is true. But on the other hand, 314 00:19:45,127 --> 00:19:47,595 it could be the best five minutes of your life. 315 00:19:50,447 --> 00:19:53,120 You hear that? That's destiny knocking. 316 00:19:53,807 --> 00:19:54,876 Get in there. 317 00:19:54,967 --> 00:19:56,958 Sorry, girls. Sorry, Mum. 318 00:20:00,407 --> 00:20:02,875 Yeah. The Doctor is hungry. 319 00:20:03,727 --> 00:20:05,365 Come on in, baby. 320 00:20:05,847 --> 00:20:07,678 - What's this? - Alcohol. 321 00:20:09,007 --> 00:20:12,602 - You're trying to get me drunk, are you? - Of course I am. 322 00:20:13,367 --> 00:20:15,961 How you been? Yeah, you're all right. 323 00:20:18,047 --> 00:20:20,561 I need to pull the pin on the love grenade. 324 00:20:20,647 --> 00:20:21,966 Please do. 325 00:20:25,007 --> 00:20:26,122 Boom. 326 00:20:28,727 --> 00:20:30,718 I think... 327 00:20:31,967 --> 00:20:33,446 I think we should turn the lights off. 328 00:20:33,527 --> 00:20:36,803 Do we have to? I like to see you when I'm with you. 329 00:20:36,887 --> 00:20:41,597 I can't make love in electric light, it's unnatural. 330 00:20:41,687 --> 00:20:44,406 Trust me, though, yeah? I'm a doctor. 331 00:20:47,967 --> 00:20:50,606 Okay. Un, deux, trois. 332 00:20:51,567 --> 00:20:53,319 Let's do this, yeah? 333 00:20:53,487 --> 00:20:55,125 Come on. Keep your boots on. 334 00:20:55,207 --> 00:20:56,879 DESIREE: Keeping the boots on. 335 00:20:56,967 --> 00:21:01,085 There we go. Although, not quite good enough. 336 00:21:02,927 --> 00:21:04,645 There. Pitch black. 337 00:21:05,087 --> 00:21:06,156 Hey! 338 00:21:08,887 --> 00:21:11,606 - DESIREE: You are a very complex man. - Thank you. 339 00:21:15,487 --> 00:21:18,081 Will you... Will you just excuse me for a second? 340 00:21:18,167 --> 00:21:19,566 DESIREE: Where are you going? 341 00:21:19,647 --> 00:21:21,638 I think we should take some precautionary measures. 342 00:21:21,727 --> 00:21:23,922 Don't worry, I'm on the pill. 343 00:21:24,047 --> 00:21:26,003 I still think I'd like to freshen up, though. 344 00:21:26,087 --> 00:21:29,124 - DESIREE: Okay. Hurry back. - I will. 345 00:21:33,247 --> 00:21:34,236 What the hell are you doing? 346 00:21:34,327 --> 00:21:35,999 I just thought it'd be nice if I brush my teeth first, 347 00:21:36,087 --> 00:21:38,282 but I didn't have my toothbrush, so what I did was I borrowed... 348 00:21:38,367 --> 00:21:41,803 No, I mean, what the hell are you doing still dressed? 349 00:21:42,607 --> 00:21:44,882 - Yes, do you think I should get undressed? - Yeah. 350 00:21:44,967 --> 00:21:48,039 I can't walk out of there stark-bollock naked and walk back in fully clothed, can I? 351 00:21:48,127 --> 00:21:49,446 Fine, okay, fine. 352 00:21:49,527 --> 00:21:50,801 - Think smart. - Right. 353 00:21:50,887 --> 00:21:53,082 - You sure it's dark enough out there? - Yes, it's pitch black. 354 00:21:53,167 --> 00:21:55,397 The pope could walk in and poke her, she would never know. 355 00:21:55,487 --> 00:21:57,682 - I just wish I was a bit bigger. - Why? 356 00:21:57,767 --> 00:21:59,041 'Cause you're beefy, you know? 357 00:22:00,207 --> 00:22:01,879 - DESIREE: Can I come in? I need to wee. - Yeah, hang on, hang on! 358 00:22:01,967 --> 00:22:03,241 One second. 359 00:22:03,327 --> 00:22:07,718 In here! Down there. Hurry! Just... Hurry up! 360 00:22:11,727 --> 00:22:12,955 Come in. 361 00:22:13,287 --> 00:22:15,357 What are you doing in here? 362 00:22:15,887 --> 00:22:18,879 - Private man things. - I could hear voices. 363 00:22:18,967 --> 00:22:21,959 Disc jockeys are always practising our patter. 364 00:22:22,047 --> 00:22:23,639 Gosh, you're quite chunky, aren't you? 365 00:22:23,727 --> 00:22:25,797 Am I? I mean, yeah! 366 00:22:26,687 --> 00:22:29,804 Yeah, I suppose I am. The girls seem to like it. 367 00:22:32,767 --> 00:22:35,281 That's what I like about you. You're a nice clean bird. 368 00:22:35,367 --> 00:22:37,198 That's what you think. 369 00:22:37,287 --> 00:22:38,322 No! 370 00:22:40,687 --> 00:22:43,042 No way. Don't... Don't do that. 371 00:22:43,687 --> 00:22:45,564 Don't dry your hands, I... 372 00:22:45,647 --> 00:22:47,444 I love a girl with... 373 00:22:48,807 --> 00:22:50,126 Wet hands. 374 00:22:51,007 --> 00:22:52,599 You are strange. 375 00:22:54,687 --> 00:22:57,804 Do you want to get down to it, then? 376 00:22:58,167 --> 00:23:00,283 Just give me a second, will you? 377 00:23:00,367 --> 00:23:04,963 I dunno if you can see, but I've got a bit of nougat lodged in a molar at the back. 378 00:23:05,047 --> 00:23:08,164 - Well, hurry up, lover boy. - I will, lover girl. 379 00:23:13,207 --> 00:23:14,481 Casanova. 380 00:23:14,567 --> 00:23:18,082 But what about the size thing? She said you were chunky. 381 00:23:18,927 --> 00:23:23,079 Relax. Just find the right position and it will all be over before she realises. 382 00:23:23,167 --> 00:23:25,158 - Just be quick. - I think you can be pretty sure 383 00:23:25,247 --> 00:23:26,965 I'm gonna be quick. 384 00:23:27,767 --> 00:23:30,839 I could see a lot of myself in you. Come here. 385 00:23:32,887 --> 00:23:34,878 It's a very special time. 386 00:23:35,367 --> 00:23:36,641 Trousers. 387 00:23:38,527 --> 00:23:40,518 I can do this. I just don't know where... 388 00:23:40,607 --> 00:23:44,156 Hey, look at me. Enjoy it. Enjoy it. 389 00:23:45,807 --> 00:23:47,160 - I'm not a virgin. - Okay. 390 00:23:47,247 --> 00:23:49,681 - I'm having second thoughts. - Carl. 391 00:23:51,407 --> 00:23:53,204 This is your destiny. 392 00:23:54,407 --> 00:23:55,920 DESIREE: Hello, big boy. 393 00:23:58,647 --> 00:24:01,161 No, wrong room! Sorry. 394 00:24:08,447 --> 00:24:09,675 Come in. 395 00:24:10,247 --> 00:24:12,477 - Sir? - Yes. 396 00:24:13,727 --> 00:24:16,560 - Very impressive references here. - Thank you, sir. 397 00:24:16,647 --> 00:24:18,319 Very unusual name. 398 00:24:19,607 --> 00:24:20,756 Twatt? 399 00:24:21,207 --> 00:24:24,995 And that's with two T's? Have you heard of pirate radio, Twatt? 400 00:24:25,087 --> 00:24:28,716 - Like Radio Rock, sir? - Indeed, exactly like Radio Rock. 401 00:24:28,887 --> 00:24:30,684 - Ever listened to it? - Not often. 402 00:24:30,767 --> 00:24:33,327 I'm not really a pop person. I prefer classical music. 403 00:24:33,407 --> 00:24:36,046 - Well, who doesn't? - The listeners of Radio Rock, sir? 404 00:24:36,127 --> 00:24:37,446 Precisely. 405 00:24:37,807 --> 00:24:41,083 The drug-takers and the law breakers and the bottom-bashing fornicators 406 00:24:41,167 --> 00:24:43,397 of our recently great country. 407 00:24:46,487 --> 00:24:48,079 Well, here's your little task. 408 00:24:48,167 --> 00:24:54,879 I want Rock off the air in 12 months, and I want you to be my private assassin. 409 00:24:58,287 --> 00:24:59,481 Someone's gone! 410 00:24:59,567 --> 00:25:01,285 No, don't want it! 411 00:25:04,527 --> 00:25:05,562 FELIClTY: All right. 412 00:25:05,647 --> 00:25:08,320 KEVIN:... but she did this wonderful thing, 413 00:25:08,767 --> 00:25:11,918 where she put a tiny bit of ketchup... 414 00:25:25,567 --> 00:25:26,602 Hi. 415 00:25:27,887 --> 00:25:30,037 Sorry, man, but who are you? 416 00:25:32,927 --> 00:25:33,996 Bob. 417 00:25:36,407 --> 00:25:37,760 Smooth Bob. 418 00:25:37,967 --> 00:25:40,162 Bob Silver, the Dawn Treader. 419 00:25:40,247 --> 00:25:44,445 I do the early, early, early morning show. 420 00:25:48,007 --> 00:25:49,360 You're Bob. 421 00:25:49,527 --> 00:25:51,245 - Yeah. - Good old Bob. 422 00:25:51,327 --> 00:25:53,602 How long have you been on the boat, Bob? 423 00:25:53,687 --> 00:25:57,680 Seven months. Every morning, 3:00 a. m. to 6:00 a. m. 424 00:25:58,447 --> 00:26:01,200 Well, then how come we've never met you? 425 00:26:02,247 --> 00:26:05,284 Well, you know, I keep myself to myself. 426 00:26:05,607 --> 00:26:07,120 A lot of sleep. 427 00:26:08,247 --> 00:26:09,839 Fair amount of drugs. 428 00:26:09,927 --> 00:26:12,202 A total immersion in the vinyl, you know? 429 00:26:12,287 --> 00:26:17,281 Gotta listen to the music if you're gonna give the people what they need. 430 00:26:17,367 --> 00:26:20,006 In their heart and their soul. Yeah? 431 00:26:24,207 --> 00:26:27,483 Better be getting back to the sounds, 'cause 432 00:26:29,087 --> 00:26:31,282 it's a bit hectic in here. 433 00:26:36,727 --> 00:26:38,922 So that's Bob? FELIClTY: Good old Bob. 434 00:26:39,247 --> 00:26:41,807 That's Bob. - Wry Sir Bob. 435 00:26:42,207 --> 00:26:44,163 What was his name again? 436 00:26:44,327 --> 00:26:45,521 Really? 437 00:26:46,447 --> 00:26:48,165 So, young man, how's it going? 438 00:26:48,247 --> 00:26:51,762 Well, sir, I think I may have had a little breakthrough. 439 00:26:52,367 --> 00:26:55,120 The pirate stations only exist because they sell advertising. 440 00:26:55,207 --> 00:26:56,925 Yes, you can listen to our pop music, 441 00:26:57,007 --> 00:27:00,317 but only if you also buy Findus Frozen Fish Fingers. 442 00:27:00,407 --> 00:27:05,686 Exactly. So what we can do immediately is make advertising on the stations illegal 443 00:27:05,767 --> 00:27:07,598 for British companies. 444 00:27:07,767 --> 00:27:09,997 We would cut off the boats' cash with one fell swoop. 445 00:27:10,087 --> 00:27:11,406 Brilliant. 446 00:27:13,287 --> 00:27:14,959 I like you, Twatt. 447 00:27:18,727 --> 00:27:20,445 Stop blowing the whistle, man, we were chatting. 448 00:27:20,527 --> 00:27:23,200 I have a very important announcement. As you may know 449 00:27:23,287 --> 00:27:28,236 there has been a serious squeeze put on our advertisers by Her Majesty's Government. 450 00:27:28,327 --> 00:27:31,717 This chart, thank you, John, 451 00:27:31,807 --> 00:27:36,039 displays what's been happening to our advertising revenue in the last few weeks. 452 00:27:36,127 --> 00:27:38,118 - Ouch. - So, I've had to stir myself 453 00:27:38,207 --> 00:27:40,437 from my traditional languor 454 00:27:40,527 --> 00:27:44,918 and do something to make the station more attractive to new commercial partners. 455 00:27:45,007 --> 00:27:47,999 Two years ago, something terrible happened, 456 00:27:48,087 --> 00:27:52,638 and we lost the greatest DJ pirate radio has ever known to America, 457 00:27:52,727 --> 00:27:55,605 ambition, and alcoholic poisoning. 458 00:27:57,447 --> 00:28:00,837 And then something wonderful happened and we got, in return, from America, 459 00:28:00,927 --> 00:28:04,203 a man who proved more than capable of filling those enormous shoes. 460 00:28:04,287 --> 00:28:06,039 - Love our Count. - I do my humble best. 461 00:28:06,127 --> 00:28:09,517 And now, my friends, I have good news. 462 00:28:09,807 --> 00:28:12,241 - Bad news, sir. - Very good news. 463 00:28:12,607 --> 00:28:14,563 Have you ever heard of Gavin Kavanagh? 464 00:28:14,647 --> 00:28:15,841 No, I have not. 465 00:28:15,927 --> 00:28:19,522 He's possibly the most famous popular music broadcaster ever. 466 00:28:19,607 --> 00:28:23,520 - Indeed, a strange and mysterious legend. - And what about him? 467 00:28:23,927 --> 00:28:26,680 - Well, sir, he's decided... - To return. 468 00:28:26,767 --> 00:28:28,803 - SIMON: No! - Stop it! 469 00:28:30,047 --> 00:28:31,526 Oh, my... 470 00:28:31,607 --> 00:28:37,318 Three weeks today, Gavin Kavanagh returns to rock on Radio Rock. 471 00:28:47,447 --> 00:28:48,436 So? 472 00:28:48,527 --> 00:28:52,361 So, it is more important than ever to actually close the stations down. 473 00:28:52,447 --> 00:28:57,043 Otherwise the advertisers will simply flock back and pay their bills from abroad. 474 00:28:57,127 --> 00:28:59,595 Well, what are we going to do, then? 475 00:28:59,687 --> 00:29:02,360 We go, sir, for the jugular. 476 00:29:06,487 --> 00:29:09,797 And this next song is dedicated to the coolest man in the whole of the world, 477 00:29:09,887 --> 00:29:12,447 and he's about to step onto this boat. 478 00:29:12,527 --> 00:29:16,918 It is gorgeous Gavin Kavanagh, and this week he's definitely number one! 479 00:29:48,447 --> 00:29:49,675 Quentin. 480 00:29:56,287 --> 00:29:58,118 Like the beard. 481 00:29:58,207 --> 00:30:00,243 And you must be the Count. 482 00:30:01,647 --> 00:30:02,875 I am he. 483 00:30:05,967 --> 00:30:08,606 I wonder what that makes me, the king? 484 00:30:09,567 --> 00:30:12,684 - Or the clown? - Nice to meet you, sweetheart. 485 00:30:12,767 --> 00:30:14,678 - All right, and you are? - Felicity. 486 00:30:14,767 --> 00:30:16,997 - Rules changed? - I'm a lesbian. 487 00:30:17,207 --> 00:30:20,643 - Groovy! Always or mostly? - Absolutely always. 488 00:30:21,567 --> 00:30:23,603 - So you say. - No! Stop that. 489 00:30:23,687 --> 00:30:27,760 Now, take me to my microphone. I need to broadcast. 490 00:30:29,167 --> 00:30:30,441 Let's go! 491 00:30:42,807 --> 00:30:45,037 GAVIN: Are you doing something dirty? 492 00:30:47,567 --> 00:30:51,003 Are you doing something your parents don't know about? 493 00:30:51,687 --> 00:30:53,803 Are you breaking the law? 494 00:30:57,527 --> 00:30:59,757 Are you breaking the rules? 495 00:31:00,567 --> 00:31:03,365 Open your knees and feel the breeze, 496 00:31:04,207 --> 00:31:07,404 because Gavin's back to stay. 497 00:31:09,767 --> 00:31:12,076 Now it's just you and me, 498 00:31:12,167 --> 00:31:15,000 and I'm looking right up your skirt. 499 00:31:20,047 --> 00:31:21,765 That feels so good. 500 00:31:22,687 --> 00:31:24,484 That feels wonderful! 501 00:31:24,767 --> 00:31:25,961 Listen to this. 502 00:31:26,047 --> 00:31:28,356 This will make you moist. 503 00:31:33,447 --> 00:31:36,120 Watch and learn, kids, watch and learn. 504 00:31:41,087 --> 00:31:42,600 Buddy Holly. 505 00:31:42,687 --> 00:31:45,645 This is Gavin, tweaking the nation's nipples! 506 00:31:51,967 --> 00:31:53,480 So, join me tomorrow, 507 00:31:53,567 --> 00:31:57,606 when I'll be playing definitive rock 'n' roll here on Radio Rock. 508 00:31:57,687 --> 00:31:59,279 Think of me when you come. 509 00:31:59,367 --> 00:32:01,642 And now it's over to Jolly John. 510 00:32:01,767 --> 00:32:05,760 For some more murders, rapes and abductions, it's the news. 511 00:32:09,167 --> 00:32:11,362 The news at midday. 512 00:32:12,407 --> 00:32:14,477 In London... 513 00:32:15,447 --> 00:32:19,520 - Twatt, Miss C. How is the jugular going? - Slowly, sir. 514 00:32:19,607 --> 00:32:21,757 Yes, I hear the arrival of Mr Kavanagh has been followed 515 00:32:21,847 --> 00:32:24,122 by the finding of a rash of new stations, for God's sake. 516 00:32:24,207 --> 00:32:26,004 - Yes, sir. - Sort it out in a fortnight. 517 00:32:26,087 --> 00:32:28,647 Find me a loophole in the law so that I can make them all illegal 518 00:32:28,727 --> 00:32:29,955 or you are both fired. 519 00:32:30,047 --> 00:32:33,039 And when I say fired, I do not only mean that you will lose your jobs. 520 00:32:33,127 --> 00:32:35,766 I mean that you will never work again. 521 00:32:35,967 --> 00:32:38,435 You disastrous, pathetic 522 00:32:41,727 --> 00:32:43,206 ugly nobodies. 523 00:32:45,447 --> 00:32:48,405 Jugular, my arse! 524 00:32:53,767 --> 00:32:55,883 How about a little bit more Seekers? 525 00:32:58,607 --> 00:33:02,725 Harold, I've just put another one straight on. Double Seekers! Two! 526 00:33:05,447 --> 00:33:07,244 You wanted to see me? 527 00:33:07,407 --> 00:33:08,726 Yes, Carl! 528 00:33:09,287 --> 00:33:12,279 Your birthday is coming and I haven't got you a present yet. 529 00:33:12,367 --> 00:33:14,801 It's difficult. What do you give the man who has nothing? 530 00:33:14,887 --> 00:33:16,036 Yeah, it's tricky. 531 00:33:16,127 --> 00:33:19,676 So, after deep thought, what I've decided is to give you 532 00:33:21,047 --> 00:33:22,446 a nice time. 533 00:33:22,807 --> 00:33:27,164 Tomorrow evening, I've invited my niece, Marianne, to dinner. 534 00:33:28,007 --> 00:33:32,876 She is the sweetest and prettiest girl in the world. 535 00:33:40,087 --> 00:33:42,043 It's Midnight Mark here. 536 00:33:43,767 --> 00:33:44,802 Hi. 537 00:33:46,847 --> 00:33:47,996 QUENTIN: Hello? 538 00:33:48,567 --> 00:33:49,636 GIRL.� Midnight Mark. 539 00:33:49,727 --> 00:33:51,445 Carl. Good evening. 540 00:33:52,127 --> 00:33:54,800 This is Marianne. 541 00:34:02,727 --> 00:34:05,036 Hi. 542 00:34:06,087 --> 00:34:07,156 Hi. 543 00:34:08,047 --> 00:34:09,878 You already said that. 544 00:34:10,567 --> 00:34:11,682 Yeah. 545 00:34:12,887 --> 00:34:18,007 Could you excuse me for one second? 546 00:34:23,887 --> 00:34:26,242 - Dave. Hi. - Hi. 547 00:34:26,727 --> 00:34:30,083 Could I borrow a... 548 00:34:33,767 --> 00:34:35,041 A condom? 549 00:34:35,487 --> 00:34:36,602 Sure. 550 00:34:36,847 --> 00:34:39,441 Well, well, well, Young Carl. 551 00:34:41,207 --> 00:34:44,119 Do you know how it works? 552 00:34:44,207 --> 00:34:47,244 Of course I bloody know how it works. 553 00:34:49,687 --> 00:34:50,802 QUENTIN: Carl. 554 00:35:04,287 --> 00:35:07,165 They made me steer the thing myself. Alone. 555 00:35:07,407 --> 00:35:09,284 - And you did? - Yeah. I must be 556 00:35:09,367 --> 00:35:11,642 - the most inexperienced person... - Is Quentin around? 557 00:35:11,727 --> 00:35:13,399 No, actually, you just missed him. 558 00:35:13,487 --> 00:35:16,399 Oh, my God. A woman. 559 00:35:18,967 --> 00:35:21,162 And not just a woman. 560 00:35:21,247 --> 00:35:26,367 The most beautiful and succulent woman in the history of mankind. 561 00:35:28,047 --> 00:35:29,958 Dave, this is Marianne. 562 00:35:30,487 --> 00:35:32,796 Dave, hello! I'm a real fan! 563 00:35:34,047 --> 00:35:35,366 Who isn't? 564 00:35:35,887 --> 00:35:41,041 Well, it's lovely to meet you, Miraculous Marianne. 565 00:35:43,487 --> 00:35:45,364 Parlez-vous fran�ais? 566 00:35:45,527 --> 00:35:47,757 - No. - No, me neither. 567 00:35:48,607 --> 00:35:50,518 - I can see why you wanted that condom. - What? 568 00:35:50,607 --> 00:35:52,563 Well, well, night-night. 569 00:35:53,927 --> 00:35:55,724 What did he just say? 570 00:35:57,007 --> 00:35:59,316 - "Night-night"? - No, before that. 571 00:36:00,407 --> 00:36:03,240 I didn't quite catch it. 572 00:36:03,327 --> 00:36:06,524 Did he say, "I can see why you wanted the condom"? 573 00:36:08,567 --> 00:36:10,717 I did not hear him say that. 574 00:36:11,367 --> 00:36:12,561 I did. 575 00:36:12,647 --> 00:36:14,683 And the only conclusion I can draw from that 576 00:36:14,767 --> 00:36:19,204 is that you thought I was going to be so easy that you borrowed a condom. 577 00:36:20,807 --> 00:36:21,922 No. 578 00:36:22,007 --> 00:36:24,840 Then what other conclusion can I then draw? 579 00:36:29,247 --> 00:36:30,362 Okay. 580 00:36:32,807 --> 00:36:34,923 It's true. And I'm sorry. 581 00:36:35,927 --> 00:36:39,522 It's just that the first moment I saw you, 582 00:36:40,647 --> 00:36:43,115 I fell in love with you, instantly, 583 00:36:43,487 --> 00:36:48,163 and I thought that, if I got luckier than any man has ever got, 584 00:36:48,567 --> 00:36:51,684 it would be a tragedy if I didn't have... 585 00:36:54,407 --> 00:36:55,726 A condom. 586 00:36:56,327 --> 00:37:00,400 I can see how that was just sick and very wrong, 587 00:37:00,487 --> 00:37:04,162 and so I'm gonna take the condom out of my pocket 588 00:37:05,087 --> 00:37:08,716 and I'm throwing the condom into the North Sea. 589 00:37:09,087 --> 00:37:11,282 You see, I already adore you. 590 00:37:11,727 --> 00:37:15,003 I hope one day we'll get married and have children. 591 00:37:16,927 --> 00:37:18,246 Thank you. 592 00:37:25,367 --> 00:37:26,686 Come here. 593 00:37:51,567 --> 00:37:54,320 I think we're going to need that condom. 594 00:37:55,567 --> 00:38:00,880 Dave, you don't have another condom? 595 00:38:01,167 --> 00:38:05,160 Sorry, mate, it was my last. What happened to the one I gave you? 596 00:38:05,967 --> 00:38:07,320 Long story. 597 00:38:07,607 --> 00:38:08,926 Try Gavin. 598 00:38:09,607 --> 00:38:10,926 Thank you. 599 00:38:11,167 --> 00:38:15,479 Okay. Just one minute. This is my room. You should stay here, and I'll be back, 600 00:38:15,567 --> 00:38:18,639 - and Kevin, I can see you. - All right. 601 00:38:26,047 --> 00:38:27,958 - Evening. - Good evening. 602 00:38:29,847 --> 00:38:31,644 You don't have any... 603 00:38:31,807 --> 00:38:33,479 No, probably not. 604 00:38:34,447 --> 00:38:35,766 Carry on. 605 00:38:38,927 --> 00:38:42,124 - Thank you, Gavin, I really appreciate it. - Don't mention it, youngster. 606 00:38:42,207 --> 00:38:46,439 Remember, be gentle, but be firm. Very firm, indeed. 607 00:38:47,647 --> 00:38:52,402 And when you're done with it, run it under the tap, rinse it out, use it again. 608 00:38:56,967 --> 00:38:58,400 Where is she? 609 00:39:03,207 --> 00:39:04,481 Marianne? 610 00:39:05,567 --> 00:39:06,841 Baby. 611 00:39:11,887 --> 00:39:13,081 Oh, no. 612 00:39:13,727 --> 00:39:14,921 Oh, no! 613 00:39:17,727 --> 00:39:19,001 Hey, kid. 614 00:39:19,567 --> 00:39:21,285 Hey, how you doing? 615 00:39:22,007 --> 00:39:23,963 I can see you, Marianne. 616 00:41:26,927 --> 00:41:28,076 Enter. 617 00:41:28,167 --> 00:41:30,920 Sir. The two weeks are over, 618 00:41:31,207 --> 00:41:35,200 and I'm afraid I haven't really been able to find you a loophole. 619 00:41:36,647 --> 00:41:38,080 What a shame. 620 00:41:38,367 --> 00:41:40,483 Time for you to move on, then, like your sad little father. 621 00:41:40,567 --> 00:41:43,320 But what I have done is find you a noose. 622 00:41:44,687 --> 00:41:48,760 I have a report here that says that last week the distress call of a fishing boat 623 00:41:48,847 --> 00:41:52,920 wasn't heard because its radio waveband was blocked by Radio Rock. 624 00:41:53,007 --> 00:41:57,683 Men were dying, and they couldn't be saved because of this rock 'n' roll pornography. 625 00:41:58,327 --> 00:42:02,525 I think, sir, we have our smoking gun. 626 00:42:03,767 --> 00:42:05,439 Very good, indeed. 627 00:42:07,127 --> 00:42:10,005 - Did the fishermen die in the end? - No, sir. 628 00:42:11,447 --> 00:42:12,926 That's a pity. 629 00:42:14,327 --> 00:42:16,921 I think I may have also discovered a way of actually getting on the boat 630 00:42:17,007 --> 00:42:19,680 to do some more "intimate" research. 631 00:42:19,927 --> 00:42:22,680 - Well done, Twatt. - Thank you, sir. 632 00:42:24,407 --> 00:42:27,001 We have their testicles in our hands. 633 00:42:28,127 --> 00:42:29,799 And it feels good. 634 00:42:31,807 --> 00:42:33,843 ANNOUNCER ON RADIO.� It's magnificent Monday 635 00:42:33,927 --> 00:42:38,364 and 200 gorgeous competition winners are heading straight for Radio Rock. 636 00:42:40,047 --> 00:42:43,005 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our Boat of Bliss. 637 00:42:57,407 --> 00:42:58,999 - KEVIN: Hello. - Morning. 638 00:42:59,087 --> 00:43:00,964 - We're not lost. - Morning. 639 00:43:01,047 --> 00:43:03,481 - KEVIN: Just quite a big boat... - Morning. 640 00:43:11,847 --> 00:43:13,803 And this is the kitchen. 641 00:43:14,607 --> 00:43:16,120 And this is the food we eat if the weather's bad 642 00:43:16,207 --> 00:43:18,038 and we can't get it fresh from shore. 643 00:43:18,127 --> 00:43:19,526 Tinned food! 644 00:43:19,967 --> 00:43:22,561 - And this is our cook, Felicity. Hi! 645 00:43:24,207 --> 00:43:26,357 - She's a lesbian. - Yes, I am. 646 00:43:57,607 --> 00:43:59,438 Hello. Can I help you? 647 00:43:59,887 --> 00:44:03,562 Yes, hello. Got a bit lost. 648 00:44:03,727 --> 00:44:04,876 More than a bit. 649 00:44:04,967 --> 00:44:07,527 In order to get here, you have to open a really quite heavy door 650 00:44:07,607 --> 00:44:09,245 with the words "No Entry" on it. 651 00:44:09,327 --> 00:44:12,842 Well, I didn't see that, so it must have been left open. 652 00:44:14,967 --> 00:44:18,437 You look suspiciously square to be a fan of this boat's output. 653 00:44:18,527 --> 00:44:20,882 - No, no, no, I'm a real fan. - I hope so. 654 00:44:20,967 --> 00:44:23,003 Because if word gets out that you're here to spy on us, 655 00:44:23,087 --> 00:44:26,159 I think you may have trouble hanging on to your testicles. 656 00:44:26,247 --> 00:44:28,044 Are you threatening me? 657 00:44:28,127 --> 00:44:30,402 Do you know what, I think I am. 658 00:44:30,527 --> 00:44:34,315 Because I've got pretty good instincts and you look like a twat to me. 659 00:44:34,407 --> 00:44:35,999 Get out of here. 660 00:44:37,727 --> 00:44:39,957 Everyone leaves in 15 minutes! 661 00:44:46,367 --> 00:44:49,803 Welcome back. I hope you've all had a tremendous time. 662 00:44:51,487 --> 00:44:53,842 The only slightly odd thing is there seem to be about 663 00:44:53,927 --> 00:44:56,760 half as many of you as there were earlier. 664 00:44:57,327 --> 00:45:02,162 If you give us a moment, we will sort out this strange and mysterious situation. 665 00:45:06,767 --> 00:45:09,725 - Ladies. - Hi, Quentin. Busy day. 666 00:45:09,807 --> 00:45:14,278 So I see. But I rather fear now is the time to move on. 667 00:45:15,487 --> 00:45:18,479 You can all come back to my room, if you like. 668 00:45:19,007 --> 00:45:21,123 - Girl at the back? - No. 669 00:45:21,687 --> 00:45:23,484 Give it up, Nutsford. 670 00:45:26,447 --> 00:45:29,598 So, what did you find out? 671 00:45:30,047 --> 00:45:32,515 The boat itself is in very bad condition. 672 00:45:33,567 --> 00:45:34,716 Good! 673 00:45:35,047 --> 00:45:38,801 Which means if they ever try to get away or even move, they won't get far. 674 00:45:38,887 --> 00:45:41,959 Bravo, mission accomplished. 675 00:45:46,207 --> 00:45:48,675 So tell me, Twatt, what's the plan? 676 00:45:50,327 --> 00:45:53,637 I think we should work to get public opinion on our side. 677 00:45:53,727 --> 00:45:57,436 Then, January the 1st, we make pirate radio totally illegal 678 00:45:57,527 --> 00:46:00,724 on the grounds that they are endangering the lives of the brave men and women 679 00:46:00,807 --> 00:46:03,685 of the nation's shipping community, upon whom the economy 680 00:46:03,767 --> 00:46:06,804 and fish and chip shops of the country depend. 681 00:46:07,207 --> 00:46:09,801 And if they try to defy the law, we take them out. 682 00:46:09,887 --> 00:46:11,161 Splendid. 683 00:46:12,367 --> 00:46:16,360 I think we can call it the Marine Offences Act. 684 00:46:16,447 --> 00:46:19,917 The Marine Offences Act. I like it. 685 00:46:20,887 --> 00:46:23,640 And I think the Queen will like it, too. 686 00:46:25,407 --> 00:46:28,922 - We have them on the ropes. - God, I love ropes. 687 00:46:29,647 --> 00:46:32,445 You must come over to dinner sometime. Meet the family. 688 00:46:35,087 --> 00:46:37,521 And that was for Erica from Wolverhampton. 689 00:46:37,607 --> 00:46:39,359 Yes, it's mail time. 690 00:46:42,007 --> 00:46:43,599 Hey, guys. 691 00:46:43,687 --> 00:46:45,678 Hey, Simon, what can we do for you? 692 00:46:45,767 --> 00:46:49,476 Well, Carl, my mate, 693 00:46:50,407 --> 00:46:53,558 my best mate, I've got some news. 694 00:46:53,647 --> 00:46:56,684 I don't know why I'm singing. I can't even... My words are just coming out in tune. 695 00:46:56,767 --> 00:46:59,361 I'm so happy. If I were the Count right now, 696 00:46:59,447 --> 00:47:05,477 I would definitely be using the "F" word to describe the level of this good news. 697 00:47:05,567 --> 00:47:08,445 - Hold me! Hold me! - For what? 698 00:47:09,407 --> 00:47:11,159 I'm getting married! 699 00:47:11,807 --> 00:47:13,160 To a woman! 700 00:47:15,487 --> 00:47:17,921 - You're fucking doing fucking what? - I'm marrying. 701 00:47:18,007 --> 00:47:21,124 - And give her one for the Nutster! - I won't. 702 00:47:21,487 --> 00:47:23,478 GAVIN: What's the lovely lady's name? 703 00:47:23,567 --> 00:47:25,046 - Elenore. - Elenore. 704 00:47:25,127 --> 00:47:26,196 Yeah, she's an American. 705 00:47:26,287 --> 00:47:28,323 QUENTIN: Well, I hope you all appreciate what this means? 706 00:47:28,407 --> 00:47:32,002 From next Saturday, there will, for the first time, be a woman living on the boat. 707 00:47:32,087 --> 00:47:33,679 No offence meant. 708 00:47:33,767 --> 00:47:35,803 None taken. I'm actually quite excited about it. 709 00:47:35,887 --> 00:47:38,242 Hands off, you lesbian. Watch out! 710 00:47:38,327 --> 00:47:39,680 Eye on you. 711 00:47:40,047 --> 00:47:43,039 But Elenore will, of course, be totally exclusive to her lucky husband. 712 00:47:43,127 --> 00:47:44,685 Here, I hope you gentlemen can take it. 713 00:47:44,767 --> 00:47:45,802 For my eyes only. 714 00:47:45,887 --> 00:47:49,197 May I just say, now that Quentin has departed, 715 00:47:49,287 --> 00:47:53,599 one word which I believe is the only word in the world that now matters? 716 00:47:53,687 --> 00:47:55,405 And that word is... 717 00:47:56,847 --> 00:47:58,166 Matrimony. 718 00:47:58,927 --> 00:48:00,042 Stag! 719 00:48:00,167 --> 00:48:02,556 - Yeah! - Yeah! 720 00:48:02,647 --> 00:48:06,003 - Stag, stag, stag! - Stag, stag, stag! 721 00:48:07,727 --> 00:48:09,046 Fantastic! 722 00:48:10,687 --> 00:48:12,086 It's a stag. 723 00:48:12,487 --> 00:48:15,399 I thought you were having a seizure. He's okay. He's fine. 724 00:48:18,807 --> 00:48:20,684 So how long have you guys known each other? 725 00:48:20,767 --> 00:48:24,646 Two weeks. Yeah, it's the old proverbial thunderbolt. 726 00:48:24,727 --> 00:48:27,844 There I was, just minding my own business, having a quiet drink. 727 00:48:27,927 --> 00:48:30,202 Over trots this blonde bombshell. 728 00:48:30,287 --> 00:48:33,040 Before I knew it, there was quite a lot of... 729 00:48:33,127 --> 00:48:34,765 Yeah! 730 00:48:35,047 --> 00:48:36,560 Lot of kissing. 731 00:48:38,887 --> 00:48:40,559 - And then? - No, 732 00:48:40,647 --> 00:48:42,763 I'm afraid we're both big believers in the whole 733 00:48:42,847 --> 00:48:44,963 "not before the big night" thing. 734 00:48:45,047 --> 00:48:47,800 - That is sick. - It's not sick. 735 00:48:47,887 --> 00:48:50,685 - Why? - I just hope that the boat is solid. 736 00:48:52,407 --> 00:48:55,080 The sexual energy that will be unleashed that night 737 00:48:55,167 --> 00:48:57,362 will blow a hole in her blooming side. 738 00:48:57,447 --> 00:48:59,199 I know how you feel. 739 00:48:59,567 --> 00:49:02,479 It's gonna be like Niagara Falls under my sheets. 740 00:49:02,567 --> 00:49:04,159 - Yeah, my sheets, too. - What? 741 00:49:04,247 --> 00:49:06,636 - Where are we going, Count? - We are going 742 00:49:06,727 --> 00:49:08,604 exactly where we should be going. 743 00:49:14,327 --> 00:49:15,396 Pub! 744 00:49:17,607 --> 00:49:18,596 Pub! 745 00:49:22,247 --> 00:49:23,362 Club! 746 00:49:47,927 --> 00:49:49,440 No, no, no, no! 747 00:49:49,527 --> 00:49:52,758 Stop, stop, stop. Don't do it. Stop, stop, stop 748 00:49:55,327 --> 00:49:56,680 I love you. 749 00:50:25,087 --> 00:50:26,839 I'm getting married! 750 00:50:33,887 --> 00:50:37,641 I think I might have had a bit too much to drink last night. 751 00:50:38,007 --> 00:50:40,316 - What about you? - KEVIN: No, I'm in good shape. 752 00:50:40,407 --> 00:50:43,604 In fact, I find alcohol rather sharpens my mind. 753 00:50:44,367 --> 00:50:46,164 - Really? - Yes. 754 00:50:46,327 --> 00:50:48,682 - And I've been thinking. - Dangerous. 755 00:50:48,767 --> 00:50:54,285 It's a bit queer that your mum sent you here to get on the straight and narrow, 756 00:50:54,367 --> 00:50:58,360 when this is obviously the worst possible place in the world to do that. 757 00:50:58,607 --> 00:51:01,041 There's sex and drugs and alcohol. 758 00:51:01,127 --> 00:51:05,723 - Without the sex. - My theory is that you're here 759 00:51:05,807 --> 00:51:11,040 because it's exactly the right time for a young man like you 760 00:51:12,207 --> 00:51:14,243 to get to know his dad. 761 00:51:20,887 --> 00:51:21,956 And? 762 00:51:23,207 --> 00:51:26,802 I therefore think that your dad is on this boat. 763 00:51:27,767 --> 00:51:30,725 And since he's definitely not me, 764 00:51:32,967 --> 00:51:35,197 I think he's probably Quentin. 765 00:51:37,687 --> 00:51:40,247 Sometimes, just sometimes, 766 00:51:41,647 --> 00:51:44,400 I think I should be called Clever Kevin. 767 00:51:44,727 --> 00:51:46,683 What do you say to that? 768 00:51:48,287 --> 00:51:52,803 And top news of the day. At 2:45 precisely this afternoon, 769 00:51:52,887 --> 00:51:55,560 Sir Simon Swafford, king of the charts, 770 00:51:55,647 --> 00:51:58,480 marries the prettiest girl who ever lived. 771 00:51:58,647 --> 00:52:01,081 I just want you to know, I want to assure listeners 772 00:52:01,167 --> 00:52:03,442 that this doesn't mean that I have any less love for you. 773 00:52:03,527 --> 00:52:08,203 I'll still be here every morning. The only difference will be, I'll be happy. 774 00:52:23,607 --> 00:52:25,677 Oh, my God. Here she comes. 775 00:52:30,127 --> 00:52:31,560 - Big day. - Big day! 776 00:52:37,007 --> 00:52:38,645 I shouldn't look. 777 00:53:15,447 --> 00:53:19,998 Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God, apparently, 778 00:53:20,087 --> 00:53:22,078 which is scary, 779 00:53:22,447 --> 00:53:25,359 to witness the wedding of this man and this 780 00:53:27,527 --> 00:53:29,006 total goddess. 781 00:53:32,607 --> 00:53:35,724 Jesus Christ alone knows why she's marrying him. 782 00:53:37,167 --> 00:53:38,520 - Good one. - But love is, 783 00:53:38,607 --> 00:53:41,963 as the Everly Brothers so wisely observed, strange. 784 00:53:43,247 --> 00:53:47,798 And the bride is blushing now as the groom is gazing into her eyes. 785 00:53:48,087 --> 00:53:51,079 You can almost see Cupid fluttering his wings above their heads. 786 00:53:54,567 --> 00:53:56,478 No, that was a seagull. 787 00:53:57,327 --> 00:53:58,999 Shut up, Nutsford. 788 00:53:59,727 --> 00:54:02,116 Best man, have you got the rings? 789 00:54:02,327 --> 00:54:03,521 I have. 790 00:54:04,127 --> 00:54:05,560 Thanks, mate. 791 00:54:08,127 --> 00:54:09,606 There you are. 792 00:54:11,327 --> 00:54:12,680 How lovely. 793 00:54:14,247 --> 00:54:18,604 I now declare you man and stunning wife. 794 00:54:23,167 --> 00:54:24,202 So sweet. 795 00:54:34,447 --> 00:54:37,086 You may now kiss the bride, poor girl. 796 00:54:38,807 --> 00:54:40,763 Yes, the full sweep over. 797 00:54:45,447 --> 00:54:47,517 No, take it. God. 798 00:54:49,167 --> 00:54:50,566 You have it. 799 00:55:20,727 --> 00:55:21,876 Where's those bridesmaids? 800 00:55:22,407 --> 00:55:26,195 It's Nutty Nutsford here, the morning after the night before. 801 00:55:28,687 --> 00:55:30,484 - Hey. - Hey! 802 00:55:31,727 --> 00:55:33,365 So how did it go? 803 00:55:34,087 --> 00:55:35,202 It... 804 00:55:37,807 --> 00:55:40,844 I think it will get better. You know, it was... 805 00:55:41,247 --> 00:55:42,726 She was tired. 806 00:55:43,407 --> 00:55:47,605 I was a little overexcited, it was... If I'm honest, it was a bit quick sticks. 807 00:55:48,527 --> 00:55:52,566 But we don't need to blow it all on one night, do we? Do we? 808 00:55:53,047 --> 00:55:56,756 No. We've all the time in the world. Round two. 809 00:55:57,127 --> 00:55:58,845 - Good luck. - Thanks. 810 00:56:00,767 --> 00:56:02,359 - Hey! - Hey, babe. 811 00:56:04,247 --> 00:56:06,203 You look like a unicorn. 812 00:56:08,047 --> 00:56:09,526 In a negligee. 813 00:56:11,367 --> 00:56:15,485 - How is Mrs Swafford this morning? - Good. Good, very good. 814 00:56:16,127 --> 00:56:18,163 I've brought you some tea. 815 00:56:20,007 --> 00:56:21,156 - No? - I don't like tea. 816 00:56:21,247 --> 00:56:23,044 I'll drink it myself. 817 00:56:23,767 --> 00:56:25,803 Simon, I've got some news. 818 00:56:27,247 --> 00:56:29,636 No. Don't tell me... 819 00:56:30,527 --> 00:56:32,882 You're pregnant already, aren't you? 820 00:56:32,967 --> 00:56:36,039 I knew this was gonna happen. The Swaffords have always had strong stuff. 821 00:56:36,127 --> 00:56:37,799 No, it's not that. 822 00:56:41,167 --> 00:56:42,964 Not that I don't want babies. I do. 823 00:56:43,047 --> 00:56:45,607 I want a dozen. You'll be in bits by the time I'm done, 824 00:56:45,687 --> 00:56:47,643 but, you know, I thought that we could have a few more years 825 00:56:47,727 --> 00:56:51,686 of reckless shagging before we settle into Baby Boulevard. 826 00:56:55,167 --> 00:56:56,998 Simon, I'm so in love. 827 00:56:59,127 --> 00:57:00,799 Of course you are. 828 00:57:03,047 --> 00:57:05,800 Gavin is so fantastic. 829 00:57:05,887 --> 00:57:09,960 Isn't he? Isn't he just the greatest, the coolest guy? 830 00:57:10,047 --> 00:57:13,517 Yes, he is. I guess that's why I'm in love with him. 831 00:57:17,247 --> 00:57:20,000 Koala bear, when you said that you were in love with him, there might be... 832 00:57:20,087 --> 00:57:22,840 Translation. What do you mean by that? 833 00:57:22,927 --> 00:57:25,680 Well, I... 834 00:57:27,407 --> 00:57:30,319 I met him about a week before I met you 835 00:57:30,407 --> 00:57:33,160 and I fell in love with him. 836 00:57:34,487 --> 00:57:38,366 But he said the only way that I could be on the boat was if we got married. 837 00:57:38,447 --> 00:57:41,678 And he wouldn't do that, for obvious reasons. 838 00:57:43,207 --> 00:57:47,086 So I suggested that I could just marry another DJ, 839 00:57:47,167 --> 00:57:49,158 and that way I could still be on the boat. 840 00:57:49,247 --> 00:57:51,602 He said that was a mad idea. 841 00:57:52,967 --> 00:57:55,162 But then I met you. 842 00:57:56,327 --> 00:58:01,526 You know, I saw you sitting all alone in that pub and I just leapt at the opportunity and... 843 00:58:02,047 --> 00:58:04,880 Well, now, here I am. 844 00:58:06,007 --> 00:58:09,966 And if it's okay with you, I'll be moving in with Gavin tonight. 845 00:58:15,767 --> 00:58:18,201 Thanks for being so understanding. 846 00:58:18,567 --> 00:58:20,478 But I don't understand. 847 00:58:21,887 --> 00:58:26,483 But I just explained. See, I met Gavin and we fell in love and... 848 00:58:27,287 --> 00:58:32,077 No, I get that. I understood all... I get the ins and outs of it. 849 00:58:33,807 --> 00:58:37,163 What I don't understand is how you could be so cruel. 850 00:58:37,807 --> 00:58:41,197 I mean, we're just married, if you read the... 851 00:58:42,367 --> 00:58:43,686 Yesterday. 852 00:58:44,327 --> 00:58:48,002 And we're supposed to spend the rest of our lives together. 853 00:58:49,687 --> 00:58:53,839 We will, in a way. We will, we will. It's just... 854 00:58:54,967 --> 00:58:58,482 I'll be having sex with Gavin instead of you every night, and... 855 00:58:58,567 --> 00:59:00,876 But we'll still be friends. 856 00:59:01,447 --> 00:59:04,200 If you need me, I'll be right next door. 857 00:59:05,087 --> 00:59:06,202 Okay? 858 00:59:06,527 --> 00:59:07,880 Having sex? 859 00:59:10,567 --> 00:59:12,080 Hopefully, yes. 860 00:59:14,047 --> 00:59:15,719 You might hear us. 861 00:59:16,167 --> 00:59:17,885 That would be nice. 862 00:59:20,047 --> 00:59:22,607 Official sources were today sad to announce 863 00:59:22,687 --> 00:59:26,282 the separation of Simon Swafford and his wife, Elenore, 864 00:59:26,847 --> 00:59:29,884 after 17 hours of marriage. 865 00:59:30,567 --> 00:59:34,162 It is understood the split is due to musical differences. 866 01:00:01,247 --> 01:00:03,602 No, no, I can't believe 867 01:00:03,687 --> 01:00:09,319 You're leaving me 868 01:00:09,407 --> 01:00:13,082 Stay with me, baby 869 01:00:14,087 --> 01:00:19,081 Please, stay with me, baby 870 01:00:20,447 --> 01:00:23,519 Stay with me, baby 871 01:00:40,287 --> 01:00:42,642 ANNOUNCER ON RADIO.� Here's the guy who plays all the hits. 872 01:00:42,727 --> 01:00:47,357 It's, it's, it's Simple Simon Swafford. 873 01:00:52,967 --> 01:00:55,197 And the time is now 7:09 in the a. m., 874 01:00:55,287 --> 01:00:57,926 and you're listening to Simple Simon Swafford Show 875 01:00:58,007 --> 01:01:01,079 on Radio Rock, 203 metres on the medium waveband. 876 01:01:01,167 --> 01:01:03,203 And remember, folks, it ain't simple being cool, 877 01:01:03,287 --> 01:01:05,357 but it's cool being simple. 878 01:01:12,207 --> 01:01:14,198 ANNOUNCER ON RADIO.� Radio Rock. 879 01:01:21,647 --> 01:01:26,482 - Well, what do you have to say, bastard? - Come on, be fair. I didn't ask her to do it. 880 01:01:26,567 --> 01:01:29,035 I said to her, it's absolutely not on and now she's left, 881 01:01:29,127 --> 01:01:31,960 she's gone, she's left the boat, she's not coming back. 882 01:01:32,047 --> 01:01:34,880 I honestly can't see what I've done wrong. 883 01:01:35,047 --> 01:01:36,560 What can I say? 884 01:01:38,007 --> 01:01:40,521 It's the dark side of rock 'n' roll. 885 01:01:41,287 --> 01:01:43,323 Can you tell me one thing? 886 01:01:44,047 --> 01:01:47,483 Before she left this morning, did you... You didn't... 887 01:01:48,487 --> 01:01:49,761 You know? 888 01:01:57,527 --> 01:01:59,119 Just one little pop. 889 01:01:59,207 --> 01:02:04,486 I thought it was the least I could do after all the trouble the lovely girl had gone to. 890 01:02:05,327 --> 01:02:07,124 Simon, wait. 891 01:02:07,367 --> 01:02:10,484 - Can't really blame him, can we? - Yeah, you can. 892 01:02:11,007 --> 01:02:13,840 Mister, you ever heard of the Vietnam War? 893 01:02:14,487 --> 01:02:15,966 - I have. - Well, 894 01:02:16,167 --> 01:02:19,284 that holocaust is simply a playground skirmish 895 01:02:20,407 --> 01:02:23,160 next to what you're about to experience. 896 01:02:23,887 --> 01:02:25,559 I'm declaring war. 897 01:02:26,727 --> 01:02:30,356 W- A-R. Gonna tear you apart. 898 01:02:30,807 --> 01:02:33,924 DAVE.� My dear listeners, you may have noticed a certain cooling of the relationship 899 01:02:34,007 --> 01:02:38,000 between His Royal Highness, the Count of Cool, and a guy called Gavin. 900 01:02:38,087 --> 01:02:42,000 Well, I'm eager to show the world that he is a coward. 901 01:02:42,087 --> 01:02:44,362 So I'm suggesting something that's pretty big where I come from, 902 01:02:44,447 --> 01:02:47,280 and it's a game called "Chicken. " 903 01:02:50,287 --> 01:02:53,677 The man who climbs furthest is the victor. 904 01:02:54,647 --> 01:02:56,444 May the best man win. 905 01:02:57,047 --> 01:02:59,242 And the biggest chicken lose. 906 01:03:00,247 --> 01:03:01,680 Are we ready? 907 01:03:03,887 --> 01:03:06,082 Then let the ascent commence. 908 01:03:07,007 --> 01:03:10,443 Come on, Count. Come on. Up you go. 909 01:03:12,847 --> 01:03:14,758 Climb for America, sir. 910 01:03:15,567 --> 01:03:18,365 - Hope she's worth it. - She definitely was. 911 01:03:19,447 --> 01:03:20,562 Fuck. 912 01:03:21,767 --> 01:03:24,076 - Come on, Count. - Come on, Count. 913 01:03:34,327 --> 01:03:36,397 - QUENTIN: For God's sake. - Help him! 914 01:03:41,687 --> 01:03:42,802 Okay. 915 01:03:43,607 --> 01:03:44,722 Okay. 916 01:03:45,887 --> 01:03:48,606 It's... It's getting pretty high now. 917 01:03:51,887 --> 01:03:55,163 I suppose there might be an argument that it's time for a... 918 01:03:55,247 --> 01:03:57,158 A moment of reflection. 919 01:03:59,167 --> 01:04:02,045 Spoken like a five-star chicken. 920 01:04:05,287 --> 01:04:08,563 - What are they doing? - Just trying to help you out. 921 01:04:11,207 --> 01:04:13,163 Come on, guys, don't be stupid. 922 01:04:13,247 --> 01:04:16,080 Enough is enough, you've proved your point. 923 01:04:18,567 --> 01:04:20,478 We should do something! 924 01:04:20,607 --> 01:04:22,359 For God's sakes, stop! 925 01:04:24,847 --> 01:04:27,077 All he did was have sex with someone's wife. 926 01:04:27,167 --> 01:04:29,727 Sorry, Simon, don't take it personal. 927 01:04:29,807 --> 01:04:31,843 DAVE.� If you fall, you will die. 928 01:04:33,047 --> 01:04:34,400 Oh, my God. 929 01:04:49,567 --> 01:04:50,682 Well, 930 01:04:51,887 --> 01:04:53,639 changed your mind, then? 931 01:04:53,727 --> 01:04:56,525 - About what? - About me being a chicken. 932 01:04:59,167 --> 01:05:00,680 Why do you ask? 933 01:05:00,927 --> 01:05:03,077 Well, we've reached the top. 934 01:05:04,807 --> 01:05:05,956 And... 935 01:05:09,247 --> 01:05:10,680 It's the top. 936 01:05:11,447 --> 01:05:13,244 But it's not the end. 937 01:05:14,847 --> 01:05:16,121 Isn't it? 938 01:05:16,887 --> 01:05:18,115 No, sir. 939 01:05:29,207 --> 01:05:30,686 - Christ. - Fuck. 940 01:05:33,687 --> 01:05:37,475 Step away from the edge, you silly bastards. This is madness. 941 01:05:47,287 --> 01:05:48,766 You're nuts! You're nuts! 942 01:05:48,847 --> 01:05:52,726 I think, at the end of the day, mast climbing is the winner. 943 01:05:54,247 --> 01:05:56,203 Why am I so fucking fat? 944 01:06:13,687 --> 01:06:16,326 - What do you say now? - I say, 945 01:06:17,047 --> 01:06:21,325 I know a chicken when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now. 946 01:06:22,767 --> 01:06:24,200 Adi�s, amigo. 947 01:06:28,247 --> 01:06:29,885 Man overboard! 948 01:06:31,647 --> 01:06:32,841 Fuck! 949 01:06:33,727 --> 01:06:35,683 I don't even like Simon! 950 01:06:36,247 --> 01:06:37,396 Cry-baby. 951 01:06:37,487 --> 01:06:38,715 Cry-baby! 952 01:06:49,767 --> 01:06:51,041 Bollocks. 953 01:06:51,447 --> 01:06:53,165 SIMON: What are you doing? 954 01:06:57,167 --> 01:06:58,998 Wop-bop-a-loom-a-blop-bam-boom. 955 01:07:00,727 --> 01:07:03,116 Tutti-frutti! 956 01:07:04,567 --> 01:07:07,161 Ladies and gentlemen of Great Britain. 957 01:07:08,087 --> 01:07:10,476 Abraham Lincoln once said, "It is the measure of a man 958 01:07:10,567 --> 01:07:13,081 "that he can admit when he's wrong. " 959 01:07:14,527 --> 01:07:17,564 And I have been catastrophically wrong. 960 01:07:26,087 --> 01:07:30,763 I'd also like to take this opportunity to apologise to a dear friend of mine, 961 01:07:34,127 --> 01:07:35,276 Simon. 962 01:07:41,007 --> 01:07:42,235 Finally, 963 01:07:42,687 --> 01:07:46,760 everything onboard is gonna be just fine. 964 01:07:59,607 --> 01:08:02,838 Everyone, this is our last ball, so please be careful. 965 01:08:02,927 --> 01:08:06,203 - Kevin, it's your kick-off. Kevin, come on, Kevin. 966 01:08:08,767 --> 01:08:10,246 Idiot! QUENTIN: Idiot! 967 01:08:10,327 --> 01:08:11,601 Get them trousers off. Get him! 968 01:08:25,967 --> 01:08:28,197 QUENTIN: I can see your nuts, Nutsford. 969 01:08:36,407 --> 01:08:38,875 For the first time in the history of basketball, 970 01:08:38,967 --> 01:08:43,677 the United Kingdom of Great Britain will take on the United States of America. 971 01:08:44,047 --> 01:08:45,685 Come on, come on. 972 01:08:50,807 --> 01:08:51,956 Cheat! 973 01:09:00,007 --> 01:09:02,521 Sure throwing him in is the best way to get him to learn how to swim? 974 01:09:02,607 --> 01:09:04,279 - Absolutely. - Okay. 975 01:09:08,487 --> 01:09:11,399 On second thought, it might just be for kids. 976 01:09:11,487 --> 01:09:13,079 - I can't touch the bottom. - Yeah, that's right. 977 01:09:13,167 --> 01:09:17,843 Throw a baby in, it floats. Instinctively, naturally. It's a beautiful thing. 978 01:09:18,207 --> 01:09:21,085 Come on. - I think if you throw in an adult, 979 01:09:21,647 --> 01:09:23,956 - doesn't work that way. - Goodbye. 980 01:09:35,847 --> 01:09:37,246 Deprivation. 981 01:09:37,327 --> 01:09:38,760 - FELIClTY: Yes. - Yeah. 982 01:09:38,847 --> 01:09:40,838 Let's do it. Your highness, s'il vous pla�t. 983 01:09:40,927 --> 01:09:41,996 Yes. 984 01:09:42,087 --> 01:09:43,281 Okay. 985 01:09:45,527 --> 01:09:49,600 I've got you limeys beat. I have never had a sexual dream 986 01:09:49,687 --> 01:09:53,157 featuring a member of the Royal Family. 987 01:09:53,247 --> 01:09:56,683 Raise your hand if you have been as equally deprived. 988 01:09:57,647 --> 01:09:59,399 - Princess Margaret. - Princess Margaret. 989 01:09:59,487 --> 01:10:02,604 Yes! The full six puntos. 990 01:10:05,287 --> 01:10:07,676 - Good. Full house. - Felicity. 991 01:10:08,287 --> 01:10:10,596 I have never had sex with a man. 992 01:10:12,127 --> 01:10:15,722 Risky one. - I didn't think that was the road to go down. 993 01:10:19,047 --> 01:10:20,275 Damn it. 994 01:10:22,847 --> 01:10:26,635 Okay, it was at school, obviously. Who hasn't? 995 01:10:27,327 --> 01:10:28,840 - Me. All of us. 996 01:10:28,967 --> 01:10:31,720 Besides you guys, okay. It was just once. 997 01:10:31,967 --> 01:10:33,958 And his name was Jackman. 998 01:10:35,207 --> 01:10:37,163 - Course his name was Jackman. Yeah. 999 01:10:37,247 --> 01:10:40,045 You can laugh. But actually, he was something of a god. 1000 01:10:40,127 --> 01:10:41,958 - You know, I bet he was. In the Upper Fifth. 1001 01:10:42,047 --> 01:10:43,196 - In the Upper Fifth? - Yes. 1002 01:10:43,287 --> 01:10:45,084 - He was a bit of a god in the Upper Fifth? - Yes. 1003 01:10:45,167 --> 01:10:46,486 FELIClTY: Okay. Jackman. 1004 01:10:46,567 --> 01:10:50,799 - I was curious. - Sadly, it means you only get one point. 1005 01:10:50,887 --> 01:10:52,559 - One point. One point for Felicity. 1006 01:10:52,647 --> 01:10:53,921 Well done. - Well done. 1007 01:10:54,007 --> 01:10:56,521 Look at his doe-eyedness. Okay. 1008 01:10:56,607 --> 01:10:59,121 Mr Gavin Kavanagh. 1009 01:10:59,207 --> 01:11:01,721 Right, bit of a strange one this. 1010 01:11:02,727 --> 01:11:06,242 I've never been on a date with a girl... 1011 01:11:06,327 --> 01:11:07,680 Wait, wait. 1012 01:11:08,287 --> 01:11:13,486 And, after sex, thought she wouldn't notice if I let go a little 1013 01:11:15,367 --> 01:11:16,766 bit of wind. 1014 01:11:18,087 --> 01:11:19,486 Did so, 1015 01:11:19,567 --> 01:11:22,161 and realised it wasn't wind... 1016 01:11:23,407 --> 01:11:25,045 It was diarrhoea. 1017 01:11:25,847 --> 01:11:29,556 So I've never been in bed with a girl of my dreams 1018 01:11:30,087 --> 01:11:32,840 with poo all over the sheets behind me. 1019 01:11:33,407 --> 01:11:34,635 - No. - Raise your hands 1020 01:11:34,727 --> 01:11:37,366 - anyone who has not done that. - No way. 1021 01:11:40,727 --> 01:11:41,876 David! 1022 01:11:42,847 --> 01:11:45,645 You bastard, man! 1023 01:11:46,407 --> 01:11:48,921 - I didn't tell anyone. - You did that? 1024 01:11:49,327 --> 01:11:51,761 - Yeah. - What did you do? 1025 01:11:51,847 --> 01:11:55,635 Well, I told her that my wife 1026 01:11:55,727 --> 01:11:58,195 would be home in five minutes, so she left. 1027 01:11:58,287 --> 01:12:00,243 So you got away with it. 1028 01:12:00,327 --> 01:12:02,477 It's a grey area, really. 1029 01:12:03,167 --> 01:12:04,202 Tell them. 1030 01:12:04,287 --> 01:12:08,838 The problem being that my wife then came home and... 1031 01:12:09,087 --> 01:12:13,000 I got into quite a lot of trouble for pooing in the bed. 1032 01:12:14,287 --> 01:12:16,278 At 4:00 in the afternoon. 1033 01:12:19,687 --> 01:12:20,881 Pooper! 1034 01:12:24,007 --> 01:12:25,599 ANNOUNCER ON RADIO.� Gorgeous Gavin. 1035 01:12:25,687 --> 01:12:27,723 Yes. That was beautiful. 1036 01:12:27,807 --> 01:12:30,321 We're back on "pubic" air. 1037 01:12:30,407 --> 01:12:34,241 Radio Rock, 203 metres on the medium waveband. 1038 01:12:34,567 --> 01:12:39,118 And whatever you do, don't tell Dr Dave I told you the infamous poo story. 1039 01:12:39,207 --> 01:12:40,242 ANNOUNCER ON RADIO.� Radio Rock! 1040 01:12:40,327 --> 01:12:43,717 It's Gavin here, and what a year it's been. 1041 01:12:43,807 --> 01:12:47,846 Government plans to undermine us have failed spectacularly. 1042 01:12:48,007 --> 01:12:52,159 In fact, a recent poll says that at an election, 93�% of British people 1043 01:12:52,247 --> 01:12:55,717 would vote for the pirates rather than the government. 1044 01:12:56,127 --> 01:12:57,526 This is why. 1045 01:12:59,167 --> 01:13:00,919 I'm very sorry, sir. 1046 01:13:01,527 --> 01:13:03,245 Don't worry, Twatt. 1047 01:13:03,647 --> 01:13:08,038 We may lose the public relations battle, but we will win the war. 1048 01:13:09,567 --> 01:13:11,205 We shall proceed, 1049 01:13:12,367 --> 01:13:14,358 but just not tell anyone. 1050 01:13:15,207 --> 01:13:19,120 Executions are best done behind closed doors. 1051 01:13:20,327 --> 01:13:22,283 Now shut that filth off! 1052 01:13:38,127 --> 01:13:42,086 You're with me, Angus "The Nut" Nutsford. It's Christmas time. 1053 01:13:42,407 --> 01:13:43,522 Carl. 1054 01:13:44,487 --> 01:13:46,205 I just got a message from shore, 1055 01:13:46,287 --> 01:13:48,676 and your mother is dropping by to pay us a visit for Christmas. 1056 01:13:48,767 --> 01:13:51,122 You're kidding? When does she arrive? 1057 01:13:51,207 --> 01:13:54,643 Tomorrow. She was always very impromptu. 1058 01:13:55,327 --> 01:13:57,158 - Was she? - Yeah. 1059 01:13:57,967 --> 01:14:00,720 Anyway, I thought you might like to know, in case you want to brush your hair 1060 01:14:00,807 --> 01:14:04,641 or hide the large stack of pornography you keep on that shelf. 1061 01:14:10,127 --> 01:14:12,436 ANNOUNCER ON RADIO.� Merry Christmas from Radio Rock. 1062 01:14:16,527 --> 01:14:18,836 - I hear your mum's coming onboard? - Yeah. 1063 01:14:18,927 --> 01:14:20,838 Yeah, send her my best. 1064 01:14:21,287 --> 01:14:23,755 - Tell her Muddy Waters rocks. - Okay. 1065 01:14:28,047 --> 01:14:30,277 - She'll know what I mean. - Yep. 1066 01:14:30,847 --> 01:14:32,439 - Okay. - Okay. 1067 01:14:43,487 --> 01:14:44,602 Ahoy! 1068 01:14:55,927 --> 01:14:57,280 Christ, what a dump. 1069 01:14:57,367 --> 01:14:59,801 - I hoped you'd like it. - I love it. 1070 01:15:04,327 --> 01:15:08,081 Hey, right on, brother. That's some hot mummy you got there. 1071 01:15:08,207 --> 01:15:09,925 You got one for me? 1072 01:15:20,327 --> 01:15:23,125 - Good luck, my friend. - Thanks. 1073 01:15:33,207 --> 01:15:34,276 Mum, 1074 01:15:35,887 --> 01:15:39,562 I hate to be abrupt. Can I ask you a very serious question? 1075 01:15:39,767 --> 01:15:42,486 It's moving. Yes, no, I'm listening. 1076 01:15:45,127 --> 01:15:46,799 Is Quentin 1077 01:15:50,447 --> 01:15:51,766 my father? 1078 01:15:55,607 --> 01:15:57,279 I beg your pardon? 1079 01:15:58,047 --> 01:15:59,480 You heard me. 1080 01:15:59,567 --> 01:16:01,239 Is Quentin my dad? 1081 01:16:05,087 --> 01:16:06,122 No. 1082 01:16:07,207 --> 01:16:09,960 No. He isn't. 1083 01:16:10,727 --> 01:16:12,160 - No? - No. 1084 01:16:13,607 --> 01:16:14,722 Cool. 1085 01:16:15,487 --> 01:16:16,966 It was just... 1086 01:16:18,567 --> 01:16:22,242 I was just thinking how great it would be to have a father. 1087 01:16:25,607 --> 01:16:27,802 I'd really like one of those. 1088 01:16:33,447 --> 01:16:34,960 How long are you here for? 1089 01:16:35,447 --> 01:16:38,245 Only Boxing Day. Leaving in the morning. 1090 01:16:39,167 --> 01:16:42,523 Now this is very good cognac. 1091 01:16:42,687 --> 01:16:44,405 Yeah, it is 10:15. 1092 01:16:45,247 --> 01:16:46,475 Perfect. 1093 01:16:49,647 --> 01:16:51,160 Turkey time. 1094 01:17:03,087 --> 01:17:04,520 Hey! 1095 01:17:04,607 --> 01:17:06,882 Ho, ho, ho! 1096 01:17:07,727 --> 01:17:09,080 Fucking Ho! 1097 01:17:09,607 --> 01:17:11,563 - Who's been naughty? Me! 1098 01:17:13,847 --> 01:17:17,362 - Here we go. - I'd like to raise a glass 1099 01:17:17,447 --> 01:17:19,199 - to Carl's mother. - Yeah. 1100 01:17:19,287 --> 01:17:22,085 Wonderful Charlotte, it was... 1101 01:17:23,327 --> 01:17:25,079 A shag well shagged 1102 01:17:25,767 --> 01:17:28,998 - the night you made this little fella. - FELIClTY: Definitely, definitely. 1103 01:17:29,087 --> 01:17:31,078 I couldn't have put it better myself. 1104 01:17:31,167 --> 01:17:34,955 Now, when he came aboard, I'm sure it's all agreed 1105 01:17:35,047 --> 01:17:37,845 that we thought he was a bit of a posh tosser. 1106 01:17:37,927 --> 01:17:39,599 I didn't like him. KEVIN: He seemed unpleasant. 1107 01:17:39,687 --> 01:17:44,044 Me neither. - You know what? He is now one of us. 1108 01:17:44,127 --> 01:17:45,446 Yes, he is! 1109 01:17:46,847 --> 01:17:48,724 We would like him 1110 01:17:49,487 --> 01:17:51,159 to stay forever. 1111 01:17:52,087 --> 01:17:54,647 And just to finish off, Kev. 1112 01:17:55,647 --> 01:17:59,196 Bless you, rabbits are Easter, not Christmas. 1113 01:17:59,287 --> 01:18:02,085 That's why they call it the Easter Bunny. 1114 01:18:02,767 --> 01:18:03,961 Right. 1115 01:18:05,287 --> 01:18:07,517 - I am seriously thick, aren't I? You are. 1116 01:18:07,647 --> 01:18:09,683 - Thick Kevin! - FELIClTY: To Thick Kevin! 1117 01:18:09,767 --> 01:18:11,086 You're the thickest! 1118 01:18:11,487 --> 01:18:14,160 All right, jokes. - Jokes, jokes, jokes! 1119 01:18:14,247 --> 01:18:17,125 What is the largest living mammal on Earth? 1120 01:18:17,207 --> 01:18:20,199 - I don't know. - What is the largest living mammal on Earth? 1121 01:18:20,287 --> 01:18:24,075 The blue whale! Weighing over 150 tons. 1122 01:18:24,327 --> 01:18:27,922 These are facts. These are the fact ones. They're not jokes. 1123 01:18:45,167 --> 01:18:46,361 Darling, 1124 01:18:47,207 --> 01:18:49,437 I think you might have a joke. 1125 01:18:55,727 --> 01:18:57,445 Yes, yes, yes, yes. 1126 01:18:58,167 --> 01:18:59,759 Yes, it's funny. 1127 01:19:07,247 --> 01:19:09,317 Would you like a mince pie? 1128 01:19:11,447 --> 01:19:13,403 Yes, I would. Thank you. 1129 01:19:17,927 --> 01:19:21,203 Shall we have another go at the thing? 1130 01:19:22,127 --> 01:19:24,766 - Cracker, sir? - Yes, the cracker thing. 1131 01:19:26,727 --> 01:19:27,876 Right. 1132 01:19:35,127 --> 01:19:37,163 Well, that's quite enough excitement for one day. 1133 01:19:44,207 --> 01:19:45,925 Well, goodbye, Mum. 1134 01:19:49,167 --> 01:19:52,079 By the way, our late-night DJ Bob 1135 01:19:52,487 --> 01:19:55,684 sent you a message, which is 1136 01:19:56,247 --> 01:19:58,203 "Muddy Waters rocks. " 1137 01:19:59,447 --> 01:20:03,076 - Oh, my God. He didn't tell you, did he? - What? 1138 01:20:04,287 --> 01:20:06,437 - What? - What do you mean, "What"? 1139 01:20:06,527 --> 01:20:08,119 What do you mean, "Oh, my God, he didn't tell you. " 1140 01:20:08,207 --> 01:20:11,165 - Nothing, darling. - No, Mum, it's not nothing. 1141 01:20:12,487 --> 01:20:13,556 Mum. 1142 01:20:14,807 --> 01:20:16,160 - Really? - What? 1143 01:20:16,247 --> 01:20:18,715 - Please tell me you didn't sleep with him? - Of course I slept with him. 1144 01:20:18,807 --> 01:20:21,367 Everybody slept with him. He was absolutely gorgeous in those days. 1145 01:20:21,447 --> 01:20:23,278 Hold on a second. Are we talking about the same Bob? 1146 01:20:23,367 --> 01:20:26,962 This is the late-night DJ here? The beast with the beard? 1147 01:20:27,887 --> 01:20:30,640 Well, he was indeed a beast. But at that time, 1148 01:20:30,727 --> 01:20:34,037 - as far as I can recall, he was clean-shaven. - When? 1149 01:20:34,647 --> 01:20:36,160 - When did you sleep with Bob? - For heaven's sake, 1150 01:20:36,247 --> 01:20:38,841 will you stop badgering me? I don't know when. 1151 01:20:46,767 --> 01:20:48,405 How old are you? 1152 01:20:50,687 --> 01:20:52,359 Eighteen-and-a-half. 1153 01:20:52,447 --> 01:20:56,281 Well, then it must have been 19-and-a-quarter years ago, then. 1154 01:20:57,887 --> 01:20:59,320 Give or take. 1155 01:20:59,727 --> 01:21:03,356 Anyway, I better go. That poor man's been waiting forever. 1156 01:21:03,527 --> 01:21:07,759 I'm so glad we got that off our chest and out of the way, aren't you? 1157 01:21:09,087 --> 01:21:10,725 Bye-bye, darling. 1158 01:21:11,447 --> 01:21:15,565 And tell Mark, you know, that it was a lovely, lovely night. 1159 01:21:16,527 --> 01:21:17,562 No! 1160 01:21:19,967 --> 01:21:21,002 No! 1161 01:22:07,287 --> 01:22:08,356 Bob. 1162 01:22:10,087 --> 01:22:12,123 - Dude? - Great show. 1163 01:22:15,367 --> 01:22:17,597 I think I've got some pretty big news for you. 1164 01:22:17,687 --> 01:22:18,802 Cool. 1165 01:22:19,687 --> 01:22:22,884 I'm in a pretty loose mood, think I can handle it. 1166 01:22:26,207 --> 01:22:28,562 I think... I think... 1167 01:22:30,007 --> 01:22:34,922 I'm pretty sure that you are, as it were, 1168 01:22:36,167 --> 01:22:37,964 technically speaking, 1169 01:22:40,047 --> 01:22:41,241 my dad. 1170 01:22:44,687 --> 01:22:50,444 You're the man I've been missing and waiting for and... 1171 01:22:52,167 --> 01:22:54,476 Searching for all my life. 1172 01:22:59,727 --> 01:23:00,842 Cool. 1173 01:23:05,287 --> 01:23:07,596 That's it? That's your reaction? 1174 01:23:09,047 --> 01:23:12,198 Just give me a minute. 1175 01:23:14,447 --> 01:23:16,244 Dusty Springfield there on the Dawn Treader, 1176 01:23:16,327 --> 01:23:19,364 with quite possibly the finest white soul voice in the world. 1177 01:23:19,447 --> 01:23:23,725 And this is a young man who's really quite good at playing the guitar. 1178 01:23:30,727 --> 01:23:31,842 Jimi. 1179 01:23:38,047 --> 01:23:39,162 So... 1180 01:23:46,207 --> 01:23:47,879 Morning, hepcats. 1181 01:23:48,527 --> 01:23:49,596 Hey. 1182 01:23:50,647 --> 01:23:51,682 Hi. 1183 01:23:52,887 --> 01:23:54,240 What's new? 1184 01:23:55,287 --> 01:23:56,515 Nothing. 1185 01:23:57,887 --> 01:23:59,115 Nothing. 1186 01:24:14,247 --> 01:24:15,316 Yes. 1187 01:24:16,647 --> 01:24:19,719 Yes. Yes, yes, yes. 1188 01:24:20,967 --> 01:24:23,003 And yes. 1189 01:24:36,447 --> 01:24:38,517 - Good evening, sir. - Hello. 1190 01:24:38,847 --> 01:24:40,246 Just sign it, sir. 1191 01:24:40,327 --> 01:24:44,445 And in three days, our heroic disc jockeys become dangerous criminals. 1192 01:24:44,527 --> 01:24:46,165 Well done, Twatt. 1193 01:24:46,927 --> 01:24:49,316 That is my kind of Christmas present. 1194 01:24:49,407 --> 01:24:50,396 Thank you, sir. 1195 01:24:54,887 --> 01:24:58,721 Right. Pirate radio abolished. A show of hands. 1196 01:25:05,967 --> 01:25:07,559 Good, moving on. 1197 01:25:08,007 --> 01:25:10,680 Now, we have to make up our minds on... 1198 01:25:19,647 --> 01:25:21,365 JOHN ON RADIO.� In the House of Commons today, 1199 01:25:21,447 --> 01:25:25,326 the new Marine Offences Act was passed unanimously. 1200 01:25:25,727 --> 01:25:28,002 From midnight on New Year's Eve, 1201 01:25:28,087 --> 01:25:32,205 all pirate radio stations, including, of course, Radio Rock, 1202 01:25:32,287 --> 01:25:34,278 will be breaking the law. 1203 01:25:34,567 --> 01:25:38,560 Everyone who works on them, and indeed everyone who listens to them, 1204 01:25:38,647 --> 01:25:41,036 will be in contravention of the new law 1205 01:25:41,127 --> 01:25:45,325 and risk prison sentences, both short and long. 1206 01:26:01,327 --> 01:26:02,442 Carl. 1207 01:26:04,087 --> 01:26:05,361 You okay? 1208 01:26:06,167 --> 01:26:07,600 Yeah, just... 1209 01:26:08,687 --> 01:26:12,123 You know, a few months ago, I made a terrible mistake. 1210 01:26:13,447 --> 01:26:15,085 - Really? - Yeah. 1211 01:26:16,207 --> 01:26:18,198 But I realised something. 1212 01:26:18,847 --> 01:26:22,601 And instead of crushing the thought the moment it came I... 1213 01:26:23,127 --> 01:26:25,038 I let it hang on and... 1214 01:26:27,047 --> 01:26:29,038 Now I know it to be true. 1215 01:26:30,367 --> 01:26:33,359 And I'm afraid it's stuck in my head forever. 1216 01:26:33,847 --> 01:26:35,644 What was the thought? 1217 01:26:40,207 --> 01:26:42,801 That these are the best days of our lives. 1218 01:26:47,167 --> 01:26:50,876 It's a terrible thing to know, but I know it. 1219 01:26:52,807 --> 01:26:54,763 I don't know about that. 1220 01:26:56,047 --> 01:26:58,641 Well, yeah. Yeah. 1221 01:27:00,607 --> 01:27:01,676 Maybe you'll be lucky. 1222 01:27:01,767 --> 01:27:05,203 Maybe you'll have better days, but I doubt it. 1223 01:27:06,687 --> 01:27:11,283 We stood on top of the mountain, compadre. It's a long way do-be-do-be down. 1224 01:27:19,927 --> 01:27:21,565 QUENTIN: The day has come. 1225 01:27:21,887 --> 01:27:23,115 Tonight, 1226 01:27:23,687 --> 01:27:26,201 pirate radio dies. 1227 01:27:27,647 --> 01:27:32,277 From midnight, we are a ghost ship floating without hope 1228 01:27:33,247 --> 01:27:35,203 on cold and dark waters. 1229 01:27:35,927 --> 01:27:40,000 You have done almighty work here. 1230 01:27:42,047 --> 01:27:43,366 Thank you. 1231 01:27:44,647 --> 01:27:46,239 But your work 1232 01:27:48,007 --> 01:27:49,281 is done. 1233 01:27:53,687 --> 01:27:55,166 Not mine, sir. 1234 01:27:55,927 --> 01:27:56,962 I'm an American citizen, 1235 01:27:57,047 --> 01:28:01,598 and I don't give a hootenanny God damn about your nitpicking limey laws. 1236 01:28:02,247 --> 01:28:06,638 I intend to broadcast from this ship 24 hours a day until the day I die. 1237 01:28:07,847 --> 01:28:10,486 And then for a couple days after that. 1238 01:28:11,607 --> 01:28:14,758 Not wanting to sound rude or anything, 1239 01:28:17,207 --> 01:28:18,560 but don't you think that might be 1240 01:28:18,647 --> 01:28:22,322 an ever so slightly monotonous experience for the listener? 1241 01:28:25,527 --> 01:28:28,405 What do you say to 12 hours each, noble sir? 1242 01:28:30,407 --> 01:28:32,204 The way I look at it, 1243 01:28:32,607 --> 01:28:34,438 the world couldn't survive without my comedy, 1244 01:28:34,527 --> 01:28:36,358 and who's going to have the moral backbone 1245 01:28:36,447 --> 01:28:38,324 to play the Seekers when the mood is right? 1246 01:28:38,407 --> 01:28:40,045 They've split up. 1247 01:28:41,367 --> 01:28:44,165 I intend to celebrate the back catalogue. 1248 01:28:48,847 --> 01:28:51,077 I intend to stop you doing so. 1249 01:29:01,647 --> 01:29:07,279 As some of you know, my wife left me after 17 hours of marriage, 1250 01:29:07,367 --> 01:29:10,757 but I survived that because I live for music. 1251 01:29:11,607 --> 01:29:16,123 And now, with nothing else to live for, I'm willing to die for it as well. 1252 01:29:20,887 --> 01:29:23,560 I've always lived for news and weather. 1253 01:29:24,167 --> 01:29:26,283 Happy to die for them, too. 1254 01:29:27,287 --> 01:29:29,198 Especially the weather. 1255 01:29:35,327 --> 01:29:38,524 I've got nowhere else to go. 1256 01:29:41,327 --> 01:29:45,081 I have somewhere else to go, but it's Peckham. 1257 01:29:47,927 --> 01:29:50,122 So I think I'll stick around. 1258 01:29:52,927 --> 01:29:54,963 Can't let everyone starve. 1259 01:29:55,327 --> 01:29:59,605 And I'm slightly worried where my increasingly powerful sexuality will take me 1260 01:29:59,687 --> 01:30:01,359 when I return to normal life. 1261 01:30:01,447 --> 01:30:05,076 I've got a very strong suspicion that Felicity fancies me. 1262 01:30:06,087 --> 01:30:10,399 Not about to go anywhere, just when I'm in with a chance. 1263 01:30:12,047 --> 01:30:13,719 Obviously, I'm in. 1264 01:30:14,567 --> 01:30:17,684 You're the only people in the world who like me. 1265 01:30:22,247 --> 01:30:25,319 Thank you, gentlemen, lady. 1266 01:30:27,207 --> 01:30:29,960 Strange bearded thing. 1267 01:30:32,567 --> 01:30:36,082 But make no mistake, they will come after us. 1268 01:30:38,367 --> 01:30:39,800 Let them try. 1269 01:30:53,647 --> 01:30:55,558 COUNT.� So, faithful followers, 1270 01:30:56,607 --> 01:30:58,199 the end is nigh. 1271 01:30:59,287 --> 01:31:02,962 We bid you farewell with dignity and pride. 1272 01:31:03,527 --> 01:31:05,245 We thought we'd never die. 1273 01:31:05,327 --> 01:31:08,399 But, well, we can't fight city hall. 1274 01:31:09,127 --> 01:31:12,483 And so, take care, be good. 1275 01:31:13,047 --> 01:31:16,039 Listen to the music. It's a good thing to do. 1276 01:31:16,967 --> 01:31:18,480 It's the Count, 1277 01:31:18,767 --> 01:31:21,645 counting down and out for the count at last. 1278 01:31:22,487 --> 01:31:25,923 Three, two, one... 1279 01:31:26,847 --> 01:31:28,803 And the rest is silence. 1280 01:31:38,447 --> 01:31:40,802 - Thank you, darling. Thank you, darling. - Sure. 1281 01:31:42,007 --> 01:31:43,918 - Well done, Twatt. - Thank you, sir. 1282 01:31:44,007 --> 01:31:45,679 - The Queen. - Her Majesty's government. 1283 01:31:45,767 --> 01:31:47,086 The Queen. 1284 01:31:47,327 --> 01:31:49,841 Only kidding, dudes. Let's rock! 1285 01:31:58,287 --> 01:32:02,439 Arse! Arse! What arse! Give me that. 1286 01:32:46,607 --> 01:32:49,565 - It's a boat. - What the fuck are you doing here? 1287 01:32:49,647 --> 01:32:52,241 CAPTAIN: She asked to see someone called Carl. 1288 01:32:52,327 --> 01:32:53,646 Who asked? 1289 01:32:53,887 --> 01:32:55,115 She did. 1290 01:33:01,727 --> 01:33:03,001 It's her. 1291 01:33:09,007 --> 01:33:10,235 And her! 1292 01:33:11,327 --> 01:33:13,318 You want to come onboard? 1293 01:33:14,527 --> 01:33:16,358 You know, you're risking going to prison by being here. 1294 01:33:16,447 --> 01:33:18,085 Yes, for fun! 1295 01:33:19,007 --> 01:33:20,759 This is my friend Margaret. She came to keep me company. 1296 01:33:20,847 --> 01:33:22,121 - Hi. - Hey. 1297 01:33:22,607 --> 01:33:25,201 This is my friend, the Count. 1298 01:33:25,727 --> 01:33:27,558 Well, hello, Margaret. 1299 01:33:28,727 --> 01:33:32,720 Do you think you could ever love a man with a funky Fu Manchu? 1300 01:33:33,247 --> 01:33:34,760 No, I don't. 1301 01:33:34,847 --> 01:33:36,883 - I could shave it. - Still no. 1302 01:33:36,967 --> 01:33:38,161 I haven't had sex in three months. 1303 01:33:38,247 --> 01:33:40,886 Oh, my God! I'm so sorry. 1304 01:33:40,967 --> 01:33:43,686 Actually it's only been a month. The last time was by myself. 1305 01:33:43,767 --> 01:33:45,678 Tough. By the hammock. 1306 01:33:53,887 --> 01:33:56,765 I'm very sorry about what I did that night. 1307 01:33:57,007 --> 01:33:58,679 No, no, it's fine. 1308 01:33:58,967 --> 01:34:02,960 I mean, obviously, who would wanna sleep with me? 1309 01:34:04,607 --> 01:34:06,643 Well, let's see, shall we? 1310 01:34:11,527 --> 01:34:17,045 Well, we could, you know, play Scrabble, 1311 01:34:17,527 --> 01:34:19,643 - if you fancy it. - I hate Scrabble. 1312 01:34:19,727 --> 01:34:22,525 Me, too. Absolutely loathe it. Hate it. 1313 01:34:24,007 --> 01:34:26,316 Cluedo, on the other hand, is... 1314 01:34:31,167 --> 01:34:32,805 Kevin, out. 1315 01:34:40,247 --> 01:34:42,681 Lovely to see you again, Marianne. 1316 01:34:53,287 --> 01:34:55,596 MARIANNE: I guess if I just... Sorry. 1317 01:34:55,687 --> 01:34:58,724 MARIANNE: No, it's fine. Maybe if we just lie like this. 1318 01:35:13,487 --> 01:35:15,239 Would you like a cup of tea? 1319 01:35:15,327 --> 01:35:17,318 Yes, now that would be... 1320 01:35:19,407 --> 01:35:20,601 Lovely. 1321 01:35:23,927 --> 01:35:25,042 Cool. 1322 01:35:29,207 --> 01:35:30,401 Lovely. 1323 01:35:47,527 --> 01:35:50,997 Would you like a cup of tea? 1324 01:35:51,807 --> 01:35:54,002 A cup of tea would be lovely. 1325 01:36:04,487 --> 01:36:06,796 And yes, ladies and gentlemen of Great Britain, 1326 01:36:06,887 --> 01:36:10,357 Carl has emerged from the Chamber of Love. 1327 01:36:11,207 --> 01:36:14,483 Carl, say hello to the 20 million people 1328 01:36:14,567 --> 01:36:16,637 who have been waiting with bated breath to hear the news, 1329 01:36:16,727 --> 01:36:18,445 whether or not you have indeed 1330 01:36:18,527 --> 01:36:20,597 misplaced your crucial cherry tonight. 1331 01:36:20,687 --> 01:36:21,756 You guys... 1332 01:36:21,847 --> 01:36:23,997 I think that's a yes! Is that a yes? 1333 01:36:24,087 --> 01:36:28,285 Remember, the reply, "I don't wanna answer that question" means yes. 1334 01:36:28,487 --> 01:36:30,284 I'm certainly not gonna answer that question... 1335 01:36:30,367 --> 01:36:34,645 Houston, we have lift-off. 1336 01:36:34,727 --> 01:36:35,876 Bravo! 1337 01:36:36,207 --> 01:36:41,076 Yes, newsflash. A nice young man has lost his virginity 1338 01:36:41,167 --> 01:36:44,443 in the North Sea. More soon on that breaking story. 1339 01:36:45,767 --> 01:36:47,758 - Morning, madam. - Morning. 1340 01:36:47,847 --> 01:36:50,315 - Good morning. - Good morning, madam. 1341 01:36:54,727 --> 01:36:58,515 Ladies and gentlemen, if you could see what I see now. 1342 01:36:58,607 --> 01:37:03,556 There'll be dancing in the street all over the United Kingdom tonight. 1343 01:37:04,967 --> 01:37:06,446 Rock 'n' roll! 1344 01:37:09,647 --> 01:37:11,239 Carl, well done! 1345 01:37:21,007 --> 01:37:22,076 Bye. 1346 01:37:22,727 --> 01:37:24,365 KEVIN: You'll be missed. 1347 01:37:39,247 --> 01:37:40,441 Here he is. 1348 01:37:40,527 --> 01:37:42,802 All right, we had a good night. 1349 01:37:43,087 --> 01:37:46,523 But that thing you see shining through the window is the cold light of dawn. 1350 01:37:46,607 --> 01:37:49,167 And I don't want you all to imagine that they won't be coming after us 1351 01:37:49,247 --> 01:37:53,399 with the full force of the law to crush our testicles like grapes. 1352 01:37:53,527 --> 01:37:56,166 But don't despair completely, because I'm glad to tell you, 1353 01:37:56,247 --> 01:37:59,239 I've come up with quite a clever little plan. 1354 01:37:59,487 --> 01:38:01,637 - Legend. - QUENTIN: All hands on deck. 1355 01:38:01,727 --> 01:38:03,524 Our leader. - I just hope it works. 1356 01:38:03,607 --> 01:38:04,676 SIMON: Of course it'll work. 1357 01:38:08,207 --> 01:38:10,801 - Good night, Miss C. - Good night, sir. 1358 01:38:12,607 --> 01:38:15,485 D- Day for Radio Rock at last. 1359 01:38:15,607 --> 01:38:16,722 Indeed, sir. 1360 01:38:16,807 --> 01:38:20,595 That's D for deaf. Since they're not ready to go willingly, 1361 01:38:21,127 --> 01:38:24,005 I'm afraid "very nasty" is our only option. 1362 01:38:44,047 --> 01:38:45,275 Get out! 1363 01:38:49,367 --> 01:38:50,482 Move! 1364 01:38:52,647 --> 01:38:54,046 Get at them! 1365 01:38:54,127 --> 01:38:55,560 Deck's clear! 1366 01:38:56,967 --> 01:38:58,366 - Found anything? - Yes, sir. 1367 01:38:58,447 --> 01:38:59,926 What? What have you found? 1368 01:39:00,007 --> 01:39:03,079 - Well, fish, sir. - I beg your pardon? 1369 01:39:03,167 --> 01:39:04,646 Mainly fish. 1370 01:39:12,247 --> 01:39:13,600 Can I help you, Officer? 1371 01:39:13,687 --> 01:39:15,598 You certainly can, yes. 1372 01:39:15,887 --> 01:39:18,526 - What the hell are you doing here? - Fishing, sir. 1373 01:39:18,607 --> 01:39:20,916 I mean, what are you doing here? 1374 01:39:21,007 --> 01:39:25,159 Here, where the Radio Rock ship always is and always has been anchored. 1375 01:39:25,247 --> 01:39:28,205 Can't say it rings a bell, sir. What kind of boat is she? 1376 01:39:28,287 --> 01:39:30,721 Lobster, cod, tuna? 1377 01:39:31,047 --> 01:39:33,402 Shut the fuck up! 1378 01:39:33,687 --> 01:39:36,884 This is obviously a trick and she's scarpered. 1379 01:39:37,207 --> 01:39:39,482 Now don't you get cocky, Captain Bird's Eye. 1380 01:39:39,567 --> 01:39:42,365 We are going to find these bastards, and when we do, 1381 01:39:42,447 --> 01:39:44,802 we are going to smash them! 1382 01:39:49,127 --> 01:39:52,756 Everybody out! We've got the wrong damn boat! 1383 01:40:21,207 --> 01:40:23,641 We should have set sail years ago. 1384 01:40:29,967 --> 01:40:33,277 You're a very clever man. This is a very good plan. 1385 01:40:35,047 --> 01:40:36,958 What the fuck was that? 1386 01:40:41,767 --> 01:40:43,200 Pardon my French, ladies and gentlemen. 1387 01:40:43,287 --> 01:40:44,959 We've got a small hiccup onboard Radio Rock. 1388 01:40:45,047 --> 01:40:47,561 I now return you to The Small Faces. 1389 01:41:03,807 --> 01:41:06,924 KEVIN: It did look a bit unusual, but I'm sure that... 1390 01:41:07,207 --> 01:41:12,327 Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you prefer? 1391 01:41:12,407 --> 01:41:14,318 - The good news. - Let's have a bit of good news. 1392 01:41:14,407 --> 01:41:15,726 Good news. 1393 01:41:16,007 --> 01:41:17,360 - Good news. - Okay. 1394 01:41:17,447 --> 01:41:21,599 The good news is the engine has exploded and we're all going to die. 1395 01:41:21,967 --> 01:41:23,923 - FELIClTY: Right. - Perfect. 1396 01:41:24,007 --> 01:41:25,725 - Is he joking? Hello. 1397 01:41:25,807 --> 01:41:30,198 Dr Dave, Radio Rock. How is that good news? 1398 01:41:30,287 --> 01:41:34,644 I haven't yet told you how we're going to die. That's the bad news. 1399 01:41:34,727 --> 01:41:35,762 How are we gonna die? 1400 01:41:35,847 --> 01:41:38,486 We're going to drown in the freezing waters of the North Sea. 1401 01:41:38,567 --> 01:41:41,001 - Shit. - Dearie me. 1402 01:41:41,087 --> 01:41:43,521 There is a huge hole in the side of the boat 1403 01:41:43,607 --> 01:41:47,520 and in an unfortunate development, it transpires that the lifeboats are useless. 1404 01:41:47,607 --> 01:41:53,318 Actually, that's quite good for you, isn't it? 'Cause you can't swim, so you'll die quicker. 1405 01:41:55,167 --> 01:41:57,556 - Sorry. - FELIClTY: Dear. 1406 01:42:04,927 --> 01:42:07,361 All right. All right. All right. All right. 1407 01:42:07,447 --> 01:42:09,358 I'm going to the studio. 1408 01:42:09,447 --> 01:42:11,005 Harold, John, up here now. 1409 01:42:11,087 --> 01:42:12,281 Yeah, we're coming. - This isn't going to happen. 1410 01:42:12,367 --> 01:42:14,756 ANNOUNCER ON RADIO.� A Radio Rock newsflash with John Mayford. 1411 01:42:14,847 --> 01:42:17,805 JOHN.� News coming in that the famous Radio Rock 1412 01:42:17,887 --> 01:42:22,358 has a large hole in its side and is therefore sinking into the North Sea. 1413 01:42:24,207 --> 01:42:25,879 Really quite fast. 1414 01:42:26,647 --> 01:42:30,435 So, a tiny crisis here. 1415 01:42:34,127 --> 01:42:37,881 So, if any of you out there knows anyone in Suffolk 1416 01:42:37,967 --> 01:42:41,164 with a boat of any shape or form, give them a ring. 1417 01:42:41,247 --> 01:42:46,241 Our coordinates are 53-70 north... 1418 01:42:50,447 --> 01:42:51,596 Sorry. 1419 01:42:54,007 --> 01:42:55,565 250 east. 1420 01:42:56,807 --> 01:42:58,957 Here's a rather long record. 1421 01:43:01,567 --> 01:43:03,956 I hope I'm here at the end of it. 1422 01:44:20,367 --> 01:44:23,120 Don't worry. The government won't actually let us die. 1423 01:44:23,207 --> 01:44:24,686 They'll have to send out boats. 1424 01:44:24,767 --> 01:44:26,997 They've heard every swearword we've ever spoken. 1425 01:44:27,087 --> 01:44:28,759 They'll have to pick up a Mayday. 1426 01:44:28,847 --> 01:44:31,407 Nevertheless, we should move. Come on. 1427 01:44:39,927 --> 01:44:43,442 I'm not sure we're in the right place at the right time. 1428 01:44:54,687 --> 01:44:57,485 You all right? You're going the wrong way, mate. 1429 01:44:57,567 --> 01:45:00,843 I'm really scared. Isn't anyone else really scared? 1430 01:45:00,967 --> 01:45:03,162 A bit. Up you go. 1431 01:45:05,287 --> 01:45:07,243 Foreigners. No backbone. 1432 01:45:28,247 --> 01:45:29,282 Yes? 1433 01:45:29,367 --> 01:45:31,483 TWATT.� I'm sorry to have to disturb you this late, sir. 1434 01:45:31,567 --> 01:45:33,285 What's your want, for heaven's sake? 1435 01:45:33,367 --> 01:45:35,801 It really is getting quite serious now, sir. 1436 01:45:35,887 --> 01:45:39,243 I'm asking permission to send our boats back to pick them up. 1437 01:45:39,327 --> 01:45:40,840 Absolutely not. 1438 01:45:40,967 --> 01:45:44,277 I absolutely could not justify the extra expenditure 1439 01:45:44,927 --> 01:45:48,681 when there are so many other problems we need money for as a government 1440 01:45:48,767 --> 01:45:50,564 both home and abroad. 1441 01:45:50,647 --> 01:45:52,399 They might die, sir. 1442 01:45:52,487 --> 01:45:53,840 Happens to the best of us, Twatt. 1443 01:45:54,447 --> 01:45:56,722 Happens to the very best of us. 1444 01:45:57,807 --> 01:45:59,240 Nighty-night. 1445 01:46:10,687 --> 01:46:12,996 - Whoa, there, are you okay? - QUENTIN: Simon, have you got a... 1446 01:46:13,087 --> 01:46:15,726 - Okay. - Mark, well done. Come in. 1447 01:46:15,807 --> 01:46:18,082 And in those trousers. Not bad. 1448 01:46:19,807 --> 01:46:22,844 Thank you, John. So, we'll be safe here for a while. 1449 01:46:22,927 --> 01:46:27,159 The captain thinks we've got till dawn before we go the full Titanic. 1450 01:46:27,367 --> 01:46:30,086 We've sent out an official distress call. 1451 01:46:30,167 --> 01:46:32,476 And I'm sure someone will rescue us soon. 1452 01:46:38,727 --> 01:46:40,922 Really? Really? Yeah? 1453 01:46:41,007 --> 01:46:42,645 - GAVIN: We're all right. - Really. 1454 01:46:42,727 --> 01:46:44,240 GAVIN: We're all right. 1455 01:46:44,327 --> 01:46:46,557 Can I just say something, then? 1456 01:46:47,007 --> 01:46:49,362 I know I'm not the most popular guy on the boat. 1457 01:46:49,447 --> 01:46:50,880 On the radio I'm fine. 1458 01:46:50,967 --> 01:46:55,085 In the flesh it's something that people just don't warm to. I know. 1459 01:46:55,407 --> 01:46:58,285 But I just wanna say, the three years here, 1460 01:46:58,447 --> 01:47:02,076 I've been closer to finding friendship than I've ever been in my life. 1461 01:47:02,167 --> 01:47:06,843 And I'd rather have had that and die than not have had it and lived. I think. 1462 01:47:07,927 --> 01:47:10,441 Maybe not. No, actually. 1463 01:47:10,527 --> 01:47:11,516 - Come on. - I just... 1464 01:47:11,607 --> 01:47:13,438 You're being ridiculous. 1465 01:47:13,527 --> 01:47:15,006 - Well, I'm not popular. - Look, this isn't... 1466 01:47:15,087 --> 01:47:18,079 No, that's... Every group needs a fall guy, 1467 01:47:18,567 --> 01:47:22,958 and yeah, sure, you've been it. But it's not... It's just been a joke. You know? 1468 01:47:23,047 --> 01:47:28,485 I mean, lookit, everybody who actually loves this nut, huh? 1469 01:47:28,567 --> 01:47:32,082 And is proud as can be to count him in the number of their friends, 1470 01:47:32,167 --> 01:47:34,078 just raise their hands. 1471 01:47:34,887 --> 01:47:36,923 See? Okay? SIMON: There we go. 1472 01:47:38,567 --> 01:47:39,716 David? 1473 01:47:40,447 --> 01:47:41,766 Be honest. 1474 01:47:46,527 --> 01:47:48,040 What? Okay. 1475 01:47:53,727 --> 01:47:55,206 Where's Bob? 1476 01:47:55,287 --> 01:47:56,845 - Get the... - SIMON: I'm lying. 1477 01:47:56,927 --> 01:47:58,883 Wait a minute. Where's Bob? 1478 01:47:58,967 --> 01:48:01,037 - He fell on ice. - Guys, Bob! 1479 01:48:03,247 --> 01:48:04,760 Where's my dad? 1480 01:48:09,687 --> 01:48:11,917 We'll wait another minute. So who's broadcasting? 1481 01:48:12,007 --> 01:48:13,042 No one. 1482 01:48:13,127 --> 01:48:17,962 203 metres on the medium waveband is silent for the first time. 1483 01:48:20,647 --> 01:48:24,925 Well, excuse my language, but fuck that sideways, sir. 1484 01:48:25,567 --> 01:48:27,603 Harold, after you. 1485 01:48:42,847 --> 01:48:43,916 Bob! 1486 01:48:45,767 --> 01:48:46,836 Bob! 1487 01:48:47,927 --> 01:48:49,565 - Dad? Easy. 1488 01:48:49,647 --> 01:48:52,719 Easy. Just listening to a new track by the Grateful Dead. 1489 01:48:52,807 --> 01:48:54,240 I'm gonna have to stop it. 1490 01:48:54,327 --> 01:48:56,204 Hey, don't do that. Don't do that. 1491 01:48:56,287 --> 01:48:58,039 That's a bit of a space invasion, man. 1492 01:48:58,127 --> 01:49:00,357 Well, the thing is, Bob, the boat is actually sinking, 1493 01:49:00,447 --> 01:49:04,042 and if you listen to the end of this track, you will die. 1494 01:49:18,647 --> 01:49:19,921 Let's go. 1495 01:49:25,807 --> 01:49:27,286 Mind the hole. 1496 01:49:33,527 --> 01:49:34,880 Oh, no. 1497 01:51:04,807 --> 01:51:07,560 - Thanks, man. - You're welcome. 1498 01:51:09,167 --> 01:51:11,397 Here. Come to me. - What are you doing? 1499 01:51:11,487 --> 01:51:14,638 I'm feeling guilty about sleeping with your girlfriend twice in a night. 1500 01:51:14,727 --> 01:51:17,446 - Three times if you count a... Hey, Bob. - Hey. 1501 01:51:17,527 --> 01:51:21,520 - Dear. That is not a good record. - What? 1502 01:51:21,607 --> 01:51:23,996 I think it's time we got the fuck out of here. Come on. 1503 01:51:30,967 --> 01:51:33,686 To all our listeners, this is what I have to say. 1504 01:51:33,767 --> 01:51:35,405 God bless you all. 1505 01:51:35,487 --> 01:51:39,162 And as for you bastards in charge, don't dream it's over. 1506 01:51:39,527 --> 01:51:41,961 Years will come, years will go, 1507 01:51:42,607 --> 01:51:46,077 and politicians will do fuck all to make the world a better place. 1508 01:51:46,167 --> 01:51:49,045 But all over the world, young men and young women 1509 01:51:49,127 --> 01:51:53,757 will always dream dreams and put those dreams into song. 1510 01:51:54,487 --> 01:51:56,762 Nothing important dies tonight. 1511 01:51:57,247 --> 01:51:59,886 Just a few ugly guys on a crappy ship. 1512 01:52:00,047 --> 01:52:03,676 The only sadness tonight is that, in future years, 1513 01:52:04,087 --> 01:52:09,241 there'll be so many fantastic songs that it will not be our privilege to play. 1514 01:52:09,327 --> 01:52:13,923 But, believe you me, they will still be written. 1515 01:52:14,447 --> 01:52:20,363 They will still be sung and they will be the wonder of the world. 1516 01:52:21,527 --> 01:52:22,846 Hit it! 1517 01:52:29,287 --> 01:52:31,084 I think we better go. 1518 01:52:32,607 --> 01:52:34,677 Okay. Do what you gotta do. 1519 01:52:36,247 --> 01:52:37,475 Chicken. 1520 01:52:46,327 --> 01:52:47,965 Go ahead, Harold. 1521 01:53:02,127 --> 01:53:04,641 - QUENTIN: Come on up, Bob. Well done. - Hello, Bob. 1522 01:53:26,287 --> 01:53:27,402 Shit! 1523 01:53:27,847 --> 01:53:30,315 I think we're actually going to die. 1524 01:53:30,407 --> 01:53:31,476 Why? 1525 01:53:33,447 --> 01:53:35,165 I'll explain later. 1526 01:53:38,527 --> 01:53:39,642 So... 1527 01:53:41,047 --> 01:53:44,517 Tell us, Mark, now at the very end. 1528 01:53:45,407 --> 01:53:47,204 What was your secret? 1529 01:53:48,047 --> 01:53:50,800 - How did you get all them girls? Simple. 1530 01:53:51,327 --> 01:53:53,363 Don't say anything at all. 1531 01:53:53,887 --> 01:53:55,559 - Nothing? - Nothing. 1532 01:53:55,727 --> 01:53:58,161 Then, when the tension becomes too much to bear, 1533 01:53:58,247 --> 01:54:01,876 you finally, finally, you just say... 1534 01:54:05,127 --> 01:54:06,845 "How about it, then?" 1535 01:54:08,727 --> 01:54:11,685 - "How about it, then?" - "How about it, then?" 1536 01:54:12,687 --> 01:54:15,281 "How about it, then?" Works every time. 1537 01:54:15,367 --> 01:54:16,482 Fuck! 1538 01:54:17,327 --> 01:54:19,841 How about it? Well, how about this? 1539 01:54:19,927 --> 01:54:22,157 How about this situation here? 1540 01:54:22,247 --> 01:54:26,035 Try and fuck your way out of this one, Mark! We're gonna die! 1541 01:54:26,167 --> 01:54:27,725 GAVIN: Come on, Harold! 1542 01:54:27,807 --> 01:54:31,516 We are gonna live forever! 1543 01:54:32,327 --> 01:54:34,966 - So this is where the party is. - FELIClTY: Gavin! 1544 01:54:35,087 --> 01:54:38,921 - Dude, come on up. Relax, enjoy yourself. - Good to see you, mate. 1545 01:54:39,007 --> 01:54:41,123 - KEVIN: Come on. - Hold on. 1546 01:54:42,087 --> 01:54:44,681 And the Count. Any sign of the Count? 1547 01:54:47,687 --> 01:54:48,722 No. 1548 01:54:50,807 --> 01:54:54,641 It's not... It's not getting better. 1549 01:55:08,207 --> 01:55:13,998 GAVIN: This is it! We are gonna die! 1550 01:55:14,927 --> 01:55:16,042 Wait! 1551 01:55:17,327 --> 01:55:18,919 - What? - A boat! 1552 01:55:20,207 --> 01:55:22,641 How big? How big a bloody boat? 1553 01:55:24,487 --> 01:55:26,079 It's not actually just one boat. 1554 01:55:26,167 --> 01:55:27,316 - QUENTIN: Two boats. - Three boats. 1555 01:55:27,407 --> 01:55:29,875 SIMON: It's ever so slightly more than three boats. 1556 01:55:29,967 --> 01:55:31,241 FELIClTY: How many boats? 1557 01:55:31,327 --> 01:55:35,036 I think the technical term is a fuckload of boats. 1558 01:55:39,927 --> 01:55:41,360 There's more! 1559 01:55:55,687 --> 01:55:57,405 SIMON: They're everywhere! 1560 01:56:02,487 --> 01:56:03,761 Mark! 1561 01:56:03,847 --> 01:56:05,360 Get in the boat! 1562 01:56:05,447 --> 01:56:07,722 - Hang on. - FELIClTY: Gavin! 1563 01:56:08,327 --> 01:56:10,045 Let's go! Let's go! 1564 01:56:11,007 --> 01:56:12,201 FELIClTY: Gavin! 1565 01:56:19,807 --> 01:56:21,126 One, two, three... 1566 01:56:21,207 --> 01:56:23,801 All right, there must be another way! 1567 01:56:26,527 --> 01:56:28,199 One, two, three... 1568 01:56:43,327 --> 01:56:44,316 Angus... - I don't want to go! 1569 01:56:44,407 --> 01:56:46,363 - Follow me. - It's water, I can't... 1570 01:56:46,447 --> 01:56:48,165 - You just jump! - No! 1571 01:57:11,807 --> 01:57:12,922 Angus! 1572 01:57:15,327 --> 01:57:16,442 Mark! 1573 01:57:18,207 --> 01:57:20,323 There he is! There he is! 1574 01:57:22,487 --> 01:57:24,079 Angus! Help me! 1575 01:57:24,287 --> 01:57:25,640 Over here! 1576 01:57:26,127 --> 01:57:27,355 Grab it! 1577 01:57:31,087 --> 01:57:32,156 Bob! 1578 01:57:32,727 --> 01:57:34,797 Bob, over here! Come here! 1579 01:57:36,127 --> 01:57:37,879 Keep swimming! 1580 01:57:38,287 --> 01:57:39,356 - Bob! - Bob! 1581 01:57:42,207 --> 01:57:43,925 - Give me your hand. - Thank you. 1582 01:57:44,007 --> 01:57:46,521 Thanks very much, very good of you. 1583 01:57:54,567 --> 01:57:56,239 Give me your hand. 1584 01:57:57,007 --> 01:57:59,043 - We've got him! - Thank you. 1585 01:58:00,887 --> 01:58:03,526 Let me look at you. You're gorgeous. 1586 01:58:07,887 --> 01:58:10,401 - Angus! - Yes! I'm alive! 1587 01:58:10,567 --> 01:58:12,239 Simon! 1588 01:58:12,367 --> 01:58:14,756 Come over and we'll have a warm bath! 1589 01:58:16,447 --> 01:58:17,721 Margaret! 1590 01:58:17,887 --> 01:58:20,162 Keep swimming, you're doing really well! 1591 01:58:20,327 --> 01:58:21,965 - MARIANNE: Carl! - Marianne! 1592 01:58:22,047 --> 01:58:23,162 Carl! 1593 01:58:32,967 --> 01:58:34,923 It's lovely to meet you. 1594 01:58:35,487 --> 01:58:36,681 Thank you. 1595 01:58:36,767 --> 01:58:37,756 I don't know what I would have done 1596 01:58:37,847 --> 01:58:41,681 if anything would've happened to you! I listen to your show every single morning. 1597 01:58:43,767 --> 01:58:45,997 - Who are you? - I love you. 1598 01:58:46,367 --> 01:58:48,358 My name is on your boobies. 1599 01:58:48,447 --> 01:58:49,800 Oh, my God! 1600 01:58:58,967 --> 01:59:02,403 Calm down. There's plenty of Dr Dave to go around. 1601 02:00:11,367 --> 02:00:12,402 Yeah! 1602 02:00:12,487 --> 02:00:13,681 My man! 1603 02:00:21,607 --> 02:00:22,676 Yeah, man! 1604 02:00:22,767 --> 02:00:29,366 Rock 'n' roll! 1605 02:00:30,287 --> 02:00:32,437 That's rock 'n' roll, baby! 1606 02:00:32,527 --> 02:00:35,805 Rock 'n' roll! 1607 02:00:40,687 --> 02:00:42,166 Rock 'n' roll! 1608 02:01:51,767 --> 02:01:55,840 8:00 till 11:00, Gavin Kavanagh, and it says here, "Coolest man on the planet. " 1609 02:01:55,927 --> 02:01:59,886 And that is, strangely, in his own handwriting. 1610 02:01:59,967 --> 02:02:01,878 Some people say that they don't bother listening to it. 1611 02:02:01,967 --> 02:02:05,926 Who says that? - Well, Dave said that he didn't really like it. 1612 02:02:08,167 --> 02:02:09,805 And he did that. 1613 02:02:10,567 --> 02:02:12,842 - Yeah. - Actually, from out there they glint 1614 02:02:12,927 --> 02:02:15,361 and make you look sort of satanic. 1615 02:02:17,287 --> 02:02:18,402 - See you later, John. - Okay. 1616 02:02:18,487 --> 02:02:21,957 So, Dr Arthur Sea Measure. That's an interesting name. 1617 02:02:22,047 --> 02:02:24,117 Do you mind if I just call you Doctor For Short? 1618 02:02:24,207 --> 02:02:25,845 Yes, that's fine. 1619 02:02:26,087 --> 02:02:28,726 Good. So, Doctor For Short, tell us, oceanographer... 1620 02:02:28,807 --> 02:02:33,244 Dr Dave. Not quite so nutty, but good for your medical requirements. 1621 02:02:34,887 --> 02:02:39,085 It does not surprise me that you are single. 1622 02:02:39,167 --> 02:02:42,682 Yesterday's anti-war demonstrations in Bolton... 1623 02:02:43,927 --> 02:02:47,602 - Today will be mainly wet. Hey... - I'm trying not to... 1624 02:02:47,887 --> 02:02:49,923 - I didn't mean what I said. - You didn't? 1625 02:02:50,047 --> 02:02:54,006 No, I think you're a good guy and you're a good egg, you know? 1626 02:02:54,727 --> 02:02:55,921 Thanks. 1627 02:02:57,807 --> 02:02:59,240 What a prick. 1628 02:03:02,167 --> 02:03:04,362 It's a shame you're a lezzer. 1629 02:03:05,527 --> 02:03:07,324 I would be nuts deep. 1630 02:03:15,007 --> 02:03:17,646 I'm gonna talk into the microphone of love. 1631 02:03:17,727 --> 02:03:23,802 And that was Spirit from their first album entitled, not surprisingly, Spirit. 1632 02:03:24,167 --> 02:03:25,839 He's doing it. He's doing it! 1633 02:03:25,927 --> 02:03:28,999 You can't see this, but he has just clicked on this record 1634 02:03:29,087 --> 02:03:31,726 with the right boot of his Cuban heel. 1635 02:03:36,567 --> 02:03:37,886 Very nice. 1636 02:03:39,647 --> 02:03:41,922 That's how you do it, isn't it? 1637 02:03:43,660 --> 02:04:43,660 More My Movies: www. thepiratebay. org/user/Movie4All/ 1638 02:09:29,087 --> 02:09:30,998 Cheers, H. What's next?