1
00:00:33,784 --> 00:00:35,627
I like these
sheets that you bought.
2
00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:37,454
Yeah, they're so soft.
3
00:00:38,622 --> 00:00:39,839
What's the thread count?
4
00:00:39,915 --> 00:00:41,087
800.
5
00:00:41,166 --> 00:00:43,134
No shit.
6
00:00:46,255 --> 00:00:48,132
Feels good.
Yeah.
7
00:00:52,761 --> 00:00:53,808
You're so sexy.
8
00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:54,934
You're sexy, too.
9
00:00:55,514 --> 00:00:57,357
Thanks.
Welcome.
10
00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:00,318
I love you.
I love you more.
11
00:01:12,614 --> 00:01:13,831
Um...
12
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:18,413
So I forgot to tell you Weiner
can't do the Rome office stint,
13
00:01:18,495 --> 00:01:21,499
so it looks like I'm going
to Italy for the summer.
14
00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:24,626
Italy.
15
00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:27,212
And therefore, I think
that this is a good time
16
00:01:27,296 --> 00:01:29,344
for us to evaluate
our relationship.
17
00:01:30,299 --> 00:01:31,300
Really?
18
00:01:32,009 --> 00:01:34,683
Honey, I'm not proposing.
19
00:01:35,971 --> 00:01:39,350
I'm evaluating and
after my evaluation,
20
00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:43,028
I've realized that we're both ignoring
something really obvious here.
21
00:01:43,729 --> 00:01:46,403
We always go to Sarabeth's
for brunch on Sunday,
22
00:01:46,481 --> 00:01:48,108
we switched from sour cream
to Greek yogurt together,
23
00:01:48,191 --> 00:01:49,659
you wear your bra
when we're having sex.
24
00:01:49,735 --> 00:01:51,954
Look at the fucking pajamas
that we're wearing.
25
00:01:52,654 --> 00:01:55,453
I am saying that we are boring.
26
00:01:57,034 --> 00:01:58,286
That I am bored,
27
00:01:58,368 --> 00:02:01,793
that I am, like,
crazy-out-of-my-mind bored.
28
00:02:01,872 --> 00:02:03,590
The most exciting part
of the sex that we just had
29
00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:05,918
was when my penis was
chafed by your NuvaRing.
30
00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:10,051
We can spice things up. How about
a blowjob in the bathroom?
31
00:02:10,172 --> 00:02:12,800
No, Lauren, stop it. Just stop it.
I was just inside of you.
32
00:02:12,924 --> 00:02:14,301
No...
Okay, okay.
33
00:02:20,766 --> 00:02:23,519
This is us.
We could fix this.
34
00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:26,029
We could fix this, okay?
35
00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:28,653
Lauren, let's just talk
when I get back, okay?
36
00:02:28,732 --> 00:02:31,576
We'll have had some distance, and
you'll have moved out of this place.
37
00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:34,948
This is my home. I've
lived here for two years.
38
00:02:35,030 --> 00:02:37,283
Lauren, I tried to tell you.
39
00:02:37,366 --> 00:02:38,492
When?
40
00:02:38,617 --> 00:02:39,789
Last month
41
00:02:40,577 --> 00:02:43,205
when we were walking through the
West Village and I said to you,
42
00:02:43,288 --> 00:02:46,918
"it's not for me, but I could
so see you living here."
43
00:02:49,044 --> 00:02:50,216
I should pack.
44
00:02:51,088 --> 00:02:53,432
I'll just start in the kitchen.
45
00:02:56,635 --> 00:02:57,682
Lauren...
46
00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:05,482
You're sitting on
my phone, I think.
47
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,569
Thanks.
48
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:21,710
Hi, can I please get
some fried dumplings
49
00:03:21,785 --> 00:03:23,332
and an order of orange chicken?
50
00:03:23,954 --> 00:03:25,126
That'll be how long?
51
00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:28,045
Okay, see you
in 20 minutes. Bye.
52
00:03:29,418 --> 00:03:31,637
And who may I ask is calling?
53
00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:33,055
Hey, it's me, your pathetic
54
00:03:33,130 --> 00:03:35,132
29-year-old
intern friend.
55
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:38,219
Well, there's always
a spot for you at Happy Nails.
56
00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:42,056
Never. I would never... Comedy?
You wanna see some comedy?
57
00:03:42,139 --> 00:03:44,312
Never. I would never consider
working there in a million years.
58
00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:45,984
Are you kidding? For one
thing, I'm not Asian enough.
59
00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:48,187
Here you go, comedy.
60
00:03:48,270 --> 00:03:49,943
What's up?
You called. Comedy?
61
00:03:50,105 --> 00:03:53,484
Yes, I made you more fliers. Are you
ever gonna let me see your show?
62
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:56,616
I would consider
letting you go in never,
63
00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,368
but I will meet you at
Shake Shack in 20 minutes.
64
00:03:59,448 --> 00:04:01,166
I can't.
I'm sexercising.
65
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,084
And this place is
full of windows...
66
00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:05,083
Hello! Excuse me?
...gets lots of light.
67
00:04:05,162 --> 00:04:06,709
I'm being robbed.
Got to go, bye.
68
00:04:06,788 --> 00:04:08,085
Look at this nice,
long hallway.
69
00:04:08,165 --> 00:04:10,509
As a matter of fact, why don't
you go look in the living room?
70
00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:14,088
Great crown molding,
a view of Gramercy Park.
71
00:04:14,171 --> 00:04:15,969
Yeah, my view is beautiful.
72
00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:18,470
What the hell, man?
I live here.
73
00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:20,153
You cannot just drop
in on me like this.
74
00:04:20,218 --> 00:04:22,141
I told you 60 days ago
75
00:04:22,220 --> 00:04:24,143
that this building
was no longer
76
00:04:24,222 --> 00:04:26,099
going to be rent-controlled
as of June 1st.
77
00:04:26,183 --> 00:04:28,777
And I told you that this is
my grandmother's apartment
78
00:04:28,852 --> 00:04:30,445
and I've lived here
for five years
79
00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:32,200
and Gram doesn't want me
moving her things.
80
00:04:34,483 --> 00:04:36,451
All right, hey, why don't you
just give me another month
81
00:04:36,526 --> 00:04:39,200
so I can get
my book advance, okay?
82
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,202
You're writing a book?
83
00:04:42,365 --> 00:04:46,211
Not at this exact second,
but I have a lot of ideas.
84
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:48,038
You've got four days, Katie.
85
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:50,590
If you can't pay,
you've got to move on,
86
00:04:50,665 --> 00:04:52,884
or find a damn roommate.
87
00:04:54,085 --> 00:04:56,429
Hey, what do you think?
88
00:04:56,505 --> 00:04:57,757
All right, let's go.
Come on.
89
00:04:57,839 --> 00:05:00,809
That's fine! Have fun with
my grandmother's ghost.
90
00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:03,637
She talks in her sleep
about the Holocaust!
91
00:06:28,805 --> 00:06:30,728
Okay, honey,
you have to stop pouting
92
00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:34,232
because now you're depressing
me, you're depressing Zelda,
93
00:06:34,311 --> 00:06:36,439
you're just
creating this, like,
94
00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:38,816
pea soup of depression
in this room.
95
00:06:39,608 --> 00:06:40,734
Look at her.
96
00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:43,115
She has a permanent
frown-y face, okay?
97
00:06:43,194 --> 00:06:45,071
It's not her face.
It's her energy.
98
00:06:45,155 --> 00:06:48,159
Her energy is so off and
Tuesday's her favorite day.
99
00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:49,961
I don't care. I'm the
one who just found out
100
00:06:50,035 --> 00:06:52,413
that my person is
no longer my person.
101
00:06:52,495 --> 00:06:54,623
Look, look, I haven't
said anything before
102
00:06:54,706 --> 00:06:55,878
because I like to
be a good friend
103
00:06:55,957 --> 00:06:57,049
and I don't wanna
be judgmental,
104
00:06:57,125 --> 00:06:59,799
but right now, I'm gonna
drop a real bomb on you
105
00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:01,721
so I'm glad
you're sitting down.
106
00:07:01,796 --> 00:07:04,595
Charlie is boring.
107
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:08,804
Sorry, everyone talks about
it, no one says it to you.
108
00:07:08,887 --> 00:07:09,934
He is boring.
109
00:07:10,013 --> 00:07:13,517
It's a struggle to have a
20-second conversation with him.
110
00:07:14,059 --> 00:07:15,936
And you know what else?
111
00:07:16,019 --> 00:07:18,772
He always seems like he's kind
of looking for a better deal.
112
00:07:18,855 --> 00:07:20,107
I'm sorry.
113
00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:21,866
I'm a great deal.
114
00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:25,367
Honey, oh, my God, I know that.
Of course, you are.
115
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,163
You're my favorite. You're
the best deal in the world.
116
00:07:27,238 --> 00:07:29,161
You're like a Subway gift card.
117
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:32,540
But then why would he go all the way
over to Italy without you, huh?
118
00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:37,003
To what? To shack up with
some woman named Catalina
119
00:07:37,082 --> 00:07:39,676
who has perfect
teardrop breasts
120
00:07:39,751 --> 00:07:43,756
and a nice Sicilian bush
that smells like lavender,
121
00:07:43,838 --> 00:07:45,681
and she makes her
own pesto sauce?
122
00:07:46,883 --> 00:07:47,884
I'm sorry.
123
00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:51,020
I don't even know
why we're packing.
124
00:07:51,096 --> 00:07:53,599
I can't afford an apartment
by myself in this city.
125
00:07:57,727 --> 00:07:59,525
I've a place for you.
126
00:08:00,730 --> 00:08:01,777
Where?
127
00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:03,654
Before I tell you,
you have to promise me
128
00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:05,531
that you'll keep an open mind
129
00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:07,863
and let Uncle Jesse
take care of you.
130
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:09,447
Keep talking.
131
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:12,083
Okay, remember Monica
and Rachel's apartment?
132
00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:13,159
Of course, you do.
133
00:08:13,243 --> 00:08:15,871
This one makes that one
look like a fucking shoebox,
134
00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:18,878
and bonus, it overlooks Zelda's
135
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:21,923
third favorite park
in the world, Gramercy.
136
00:08:31,052 --> 00:08:32,053
You.
137
00:08:32,137 --> 00:08:33,138
You!
138
00:08:33,263 --> 00:08:35,436
Come on. Please?
139
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:37,643
You sure you don't wanna come inside?
There's a keg!
140
00:08:37,726 --> 00:08:40,946
Come on, it'll be like high
school with no curfew.
141
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:44,107
Hey, could you bum
a cigarette off me?
142
00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:45,441
He'll be here.
143
00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:47,243
Good, yeah.
What more do you want?
144
00:08:47,277 --> 00:08:48,529
Jesse!
145
00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:52,206
I want to Macarena
with you Jesse, Jesse, Jesse
146
00:08:52,282 --> 00:08:53,374
Oh, yeah, girl.
147
00:08:53,450 --> 00:08:54,667
That's the girl Katie
I told you about
148
00:08:54,743 --> 00:08:55,983
from my
Religious Studies class.
149
00:08:55,994 --> 00:08:59,373
She's the bomb. She's so cool and smart.
I wanna be friends with her.
150
00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:01,049
Hey,
Jesse Lawson! Yeah!
151
00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:02,626
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
152
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,505
Stop showing your body
to everybody.
153
00:09:06,588 --> 00:09:08,135
I wanna show you my body!
154
00:09:08,214 --> 00:09:10,216
No, no. This is my
friend, Drunky McGee.
155
00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:12,473
This is my friend, Lauren. She's
gonna drive you home, okay?
156
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:13,913
- Please, please, please?
- Yes.
157
00:09:13,970 --> 00:09:15,313
She's on the way, she's
right near your dorm.
158
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:16,435
I'm gonna beat you!
159
00:09:16,514 --> 00:09:17,595
Okay, you're gonna beat me!
160
00:09:17,599 --> 00:09:20,022
Please? Just so she doesn't
get date-raped by somebody.
161
00:09:24,439 --> 00:09:26,157
How was the party?
162
00:09:26,816 --> 00:09:28,238
Well, these two guys
were totally
163
00:09:28,318 --> 00:09:29,661
fighting over me
and I was like,
164
00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:32,410
"Listen, you guys, I can't blow
both of you at the same time!"
165
00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:33,769
"Fuck off!"
You know what I mean?
166
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:38,044
Anyways, what'd you do tonight?
167
00:09:38,119 --> 00:09:40,121
I'm just gonna
watch some Felicity.
168
00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:43,299
I hate British people.
169
00:09:45,627 --> 00:09:47,174
Are you sure we're
going the right way?
170
00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:49,176
Is this yours?
171
00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:50,719
Yeah. Sorry,
I think it's empty.
172
00:09:50,799 --> 00:09:53,268
Perfect.
I'm just gonna borrow it.
173
00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:56,159
Stop! This is my new car!
174
00:09:56,221 --> 00:09:57,598
It was a graduation present!
175
00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,899
I do this all the time.
Just shh, shh!
176
00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:05,196
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
177
00:10:08,233 --> 00:10:10,031
Ta-da! See,
no spills at all!
178
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,043
Get out.
179
00:10:20,328 --> 00:10:22,126
But it's scary here.
180
00:10:22,205 --> 00:10:24,879
Get out of my car!
I hate you!
181
00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:33,846
Why don't you just chill out!
182
00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:36,432
Urine is sterile!
183
00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:42,480
Hi! Come on in! Come here.
You're gonna love it.
184
00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:44,482
Move. Get in here.
185
00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:46,063
What are you thinking?
I can't live with her!
186
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:49,195
You know, I totally don't
appreciate surprises, Jesse.
187
00:10:49,274 --> 00:10:53,324
Close, close, close,
close and open sesame!
188
00:10:54,529 --> 00:10:55,621
Wow.
189
00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:58,041
Incredible, right?
Could you die?
190
00:10:58,116 --> 00:10:59,493
Literally, could you die?
191
00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:02,375
Hardwood floors, the windows,
Gramercy Park is right out there
192
00:11:02,453 --> 00:11:04,171
and it's a historical landmark.
193
00:11:04,247 --> 00:11:06,170
Katie's grandmother
got this place in the '40s.
194
00:11:06,249 --> 00:11:08,343
She was a knitting maven.
195
00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:10,967
Oh. And a stripper, too, I see.
What is that?
196
00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:12,843
You don't need to
judge my bubbie.
197
00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:15,641
Honey, no one's
judging anybody's bubbie.
198
00:11:16,426 --> 00:11:18,019
You know what?
199
00:11:18,094 --> 00:11:20,222
Katherine, why don't you tell Lauren
a little bit about the place?
200
00:11:20,305 --> 00:11:22,603
I'm gonna go get some Monster
because I'm a little...
201
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:24,355
Look at me, I'm shaking.
I'm a little low energy.
202
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:26,186
I'll be right back, okay?
You want some lo mein?
203
00:11:26,269 --> 00:11:27,350
You wanna finish it off?
No.
204
00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:29,105
Okay. I'll throw it away
or put it in the fridge?
205
00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:30,782
I don't care.
Okay.
206
00:11:31,232 --> 00:11:32,313
Well, this is an apartment.
207
00:11:32,317 --> 00:11:34,695
I'm sure you're familiar with
what that is structurally.
208
00:11:34,777 --> 00:11:36,154
This is a living room.
That's a dining room.
209
00:11:36,237 --> 00:11:37,534
There's a chair.
That's a lamp.
210
00:11:37,614 --> 00:11:39,867
Grandma, and down the
hall is my room.
211
00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:41,872
That's private because I'm
a very private person
212
00:11:41,951 --> 00:11:43,498
and across the hall
is Bubbie's room.
213
00:11:45,163 --> 00:11:47,211
She died in there.
214
00:11:49,459 --> 00:11:52,008
Let's go see your bedroom.
Come on. Come on.
215
00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:55,632
Don't go in my room!
I said it was private!
216
00:11:56,799 --> 00:11:58,160
And you can hang
all your pictures.
217
00:11:58,176 --> 00:12:00,349
Okay, now don't mind the odor.
It's a bit pungent.
218
00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:02,055
That's Bubbie.
She's still lingering,
219
00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:03,739
but that'll be gone.
It'll be dissipated.
220
00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:05,938
Look at this, though.
Look at this personal space.
221
00:12:06,017 --> 00:12:09,487
Invaluable in New York, right?
This is a bedroom, or is it?
222
00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:13,362
Or is it a dance studio? I don't
know, there's so much space here.
223
00:12:13,441 --> 00:12:16,820
I mean, can you believe this?
And the closet space?
224
00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:19,326
Forget the windows, the windows
with the light coming in.
225
00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:21,078
It's like living on the sun!
226
00:12:21,157 --> 00:12:22,249
These hardwood floors,
227
00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:24,578
if there was a knot in the floor
big enough for my ding-dong,
228
00:12:24,661 --> 00:12:25,753
I would fuck
the shit out of them.
229
00:12:25,828 --> 00:12:28,251
Good. Good. How could you trick me?
You know I hate her.
230
00:12:28,331 --> 00:12:31,255
'Cause you need a place to
stay and she needs a roommate.
231
00:12:31,334 --> 00:12:32,506
I don't want to.
232
00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:33,711
I know.
233
00:12:34,337 --> 00:12:35,680
Fine. Okay.
Okay.
234
00:12:35,797 --> 00:12:37,344
The place is amazing.
You're right, okay? Right?
235
00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:40,302
Yes, the windows are huge,
the floors are lovely, okay?
236
00:12:40,385 --> 00:12:42,479
What is that?
Is that a pedicure chair?
237
00:12:42,553 --> 00:12:45,227
It is for my back.
238
00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:47,684
Okay, it's for her back.
She's got a bad back.
239
00:12:48,059 --> 00:12:49,185
What is all this shit?
I don't know.
240
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:51,112
Stop touching Bubbie's things!
241
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:53,944
Okay, you, you,
let's go, outside.
242
00:12:54,023 --> 00:12:55,195
Don't touch it!
243
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:56,948
In the hallway.
244
00:12:57,026 --> 00:13:00,280
Conference, family conference.
Get over here.
245
00:13:00,363 --> 00:13:02,786
Yeah, I know, pouting!
We're gonna take a walk.
246
00:13:02,865 --> 00:13:06,460
Bitch one and bitch two, go. I
need a minute of your time, okay?
247
00:13:06,536 --> 00:13:08,209
A minute where
you are just neutral
248
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:09,881
and you're not
judging each other
249
00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:11,596
and you're not holding
onto all this shit.
250
00:13:12,041 --> 00:13:14,794
Close your eyes, close your eyes.
Open your hearts, please.
251
00:13:15,086 --> 00:13:17,054
Indulge me. Please.
252
00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:20,016
Oh, god bless you!
Thank you, Katherine.
253
00:13:20,550 --> 00:13:21,847
You guys, together,
254
00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:24,266
could take this place
from nursing home
255
00:13:24,345 --> 00:13:26,973
to "let's nurse some
cocktails at home," right?
256
00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:29,650
I'm talking about a trip to Design
Within Reach led by Lauren,
257
00:13:29,726 --> 00:13:32,570
I'm talking about cool
street-art done by Katie,
258
00:13:32,729 --> 00:13:35,608
I'm talking about getting rid of
that floral print monstrosity,
259
00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:38,443
taking it outside, pissing
on it and burning it,
260
00:13:38,609 --> 00:13:40,953
and then you know what, we'll
replace it with something simple,
261
00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:43,407
something from...
I don't know.
262
00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:45,941
Now, I want you to open your
eyes on the count of three.
263
00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:47,793
And I want you to
see your new home.
264
00:13:48,077 --> 00:13:49,920
And I don't want you to
thank me right away,
265
00:13:49,996 --> 00:13:52,715
but overtime, yes, I think
I'm owed a little thanks.
266
00:13:52,790 --> 00:13:55,168
One, two, three.
267
00:13:55,418 --> 00:13:56,590
I release you.
268
00:13:58,755 --> 00:14:00,757
It does sound like
a nice place to live.
269
00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:04,268
Yeah, almost as nice as that neighborhood
you left me in so I could get raped.
270
00:14:04,427 --> 00:14:05,679
What?
You were raped?
271
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:06,846
- No, but I could have been.
- God!
272
00:14:06,929 --> 00:14:08,852
Why can't my friends
be fuckin' friends?
273
00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:10,683
Whenever I smell urine,
it reminds me
274
00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:12,485
of the time
you peed in my hair.
275
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:14,608
Oh! There was a bump! What do
you want me to say about it?
276
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:16,405
There was no bump!
Okay, stop it!
277
00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:18,237
You two hate each other
for no reason!
278
00:14:18,816 --> 00:14:22,696
I am so sick and tired of
living like a child of divorce.
279
00:14:22,779 --> 00:14:23,871
Why don't you
just live together
280
00:14:23,946 --> 00:14:25,186
for the summer?
See how it goes?
281
00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:26,954
Okay.
282
00:14:29,243 --> 00:14:30,290
Lauren, honey,
I have a question.
283
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:31,371
Where are you sleeping tonight?
284
00:14:31,454 --> 00:14:32,575
'Cause it's not at my place.
285
00:14:32,580 --> 00:14:34,878
I have that Peruvian boy
coming over from the gym.
286
00:14:34,957 --> 00:14:36,334
And, Katherine,
may I remind you
287
00:14:36,417 --> 00:14:37,738
that your most
promising applicant
288
00:14:37,794 --> 00:14:39,421
has been that woman
that looked like Ted Danson
289
00:14:39,504 --> 00:14:41,131
and could not stop queefing?
290
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:43,137
Do you want that? Hmm?
291
00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:47,012
You two, my gorgeous angels,
292
00:14:47,095 --> 00:14:49,939
are about to be homeless
in Washington Square Park
293
00:14:50,014 --> 00:14:52,142
over a fucking party foul.
294
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:55,525
And I don't like to give out spare
change, so you're on your own.
295
00:15:08,658 --> 00:15:10,160
Hey, can you watch my stuff?
296
00:15:10,284 --> 00:15:11,752
I'd love to.
297
00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:13,670
Thanks.
298
00:15:14,163 --> 00:15:15,585
I was thinking
about that barf color
299
00:15:15,665 --> 00:15:17,008
you have on the walls
of your living room,
300
00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:19,804
and I thought this dove gray would
actually really open up the space.
301
00:15:22,213 --> 00:15:24,466
You get two walls,
I get two walls.
302
00:15:24,549 --> 00:15:26,051
Welcome home.
303
00:15:27,802 --> 00:15:29,019
Great.
304
00:15:33,474 --> 00:15:34,566
How much for the lamp?
305
00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:38,400
$10.
306
00:15:39,564 --> 00:15:41,532
I'm moving
your chair out of my room!
307
00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:44,155
Oh, my God, yeah.
308
00:15:44,235 --> 00:15:46,454
I love the way you feel.
309
00:15:46,529 --> 00:15:49,282
You feel so good. Yeah.
310
00:15:49,365 --> 00:15:52,289
Ooh, I do like when you
tickle my boobies like that.
311
00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:54,621
Tickle my boobies.
Tickle them.
312
00:16:00,877 --> 00:16:02,003
Hey, can I get in there?
313
00:16:02,086 --> 00:16:03,633
I just really
have to pee and then
314
00:16:03,713 --> 00:16:05,181
I have to get ready
for work. I'll be so fast.
315
00:16:05,256 --> 00:16:07,384
All right.
I don't care. Come in.
316
00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:16,935
Go ahead.
317
00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:19,654
Okay.
318
00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:25,151
Where do you work that
requires so much makeup?
319
00:16:25,234 --> 00:16:28,408
I'm just doing a lot of
writing, being super creative.
320
00:16:30,948 --> 00:16:33,667
Did you have someone
over here last night?
321
00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:35,996
It's none of your business.
322
00:16:37,872 --> 00:16:38,919
But yes.
323
00:16:40,583 --> 00:16:41,709
Okay.
324
00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:45,763
Oh, my God, Lauren.
325
00:16:47,215 --> 00:16:49,343
Sounds like somebody has a UTI.
326
00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:50,551
You can't hear a UTI.
327
00:16:50,635 --> 00:16:52,683
I'd invest in some cranberry
juice if I were you.
328
00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:57,017
Okay, fine, you know what? You pee in
cups in cars while they're moving.
329
00:16:58,059 --> 00:16:59,936
Ooh. I like
a little fire in you.
330
00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:07,280
Katie, there's no toilet paper.
331
00:17:09,779 --> 00:17:11,452
Katie, there's no toilet paper.
332
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:14,375
What? I can't hear you!
I'm running late! Bye!
333
00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:18,080
I have to let you go.
I'm old. I'm tired.
334
00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:23,088
And let's face it, it's time
to close the place down.
335
00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:27,217
You're smart.
That's why I hired you.
336
00:17:27,296 --> 00:17:31,221
And that's why you're gonna be
great out there on your own.
337
00:17:31,300 --> 00:17:35,476
I thought I would take over when you retired.
What about your clients?
338
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:39,025
You're gonna be great
out there on your own.
339
00:17:42,812 --> 00:17:45,861
Work is good.
It's just...
340
00:17:46,649 --> 00:17:47,696
...really busy.
341
00:17:47,775 --> 00:17:49,322
Sweetie, tell us some more
about the new place.
342
00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:51,905
We've been dying to come over and
help you set it up. I mean...
343
00:17:51,988 --> 00:17:54,912
Yeah, just give us a good
time and we'll come over.
344
00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:58,581
Did you eat
all my hot dog buns?
345
00:17:58,661 --> 00:17:59,753
I'm on the phone!
346
00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:00,876
They're kosher!
347
00:18:00,955 --> 00:18:02,377
I know you stole my lamp!
348
00:18:02,456 --> 00:18:03,799
What?
What'd you say?
349
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:05,259
Sorry, Dad.
350
00:18:05,334 --> 00:18:09,134
The apartment is spectacular.
My roommate is whatever.
351
00:18:09,213 --> 00:18:11,511
Well, you won't have to live
with this person for long, honey.
352
00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:13,343
Charlie will come back.
They always do.
353
00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:15,946
But, sweetie, lock up Grandma's pearls.
We don't know this girl.
354
00:18:47,376 --> 00:18:50,630
Buongiorno! It's Charlie. I
can't get to my phone right now
355
00:18:50,713 --> 00:18:53,057
because I'm probably doing
something awesome in Italy,
356
00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:55,012
but I'll get back to you
as soon as I can. Ciao!
357
00:19:16,572 --> 00:19:19,416
Is this your job?
358
00:19:20,284 --> 00:19:21,376
No.
359
00:19:22,036 --> 00:19:24,630
Yes, you have paint all over
your face and also on your body.
360
00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:28,467
Take a seat. Come on.
361
00:19:32,254 --> 00:19:34,848
You got to sit down to have
your nails done, so...
362
00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:39,512
So you're not a writer?
363
00:19:39,595 --> 00:19:40,596
I write every day.
364
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:43,308
Like I said, I'm creative, so I
have a lot of outlets for it.
365
00:19:43,391 --> 00:19:46,315
This is New York City. Most
people need more than one job.
366
00:19:46,394 --> 00:19:48,317
How many jobs do you have?
367
00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:51,821
Well, my top faves
include doing nail art
368
00:19:51,941 --> 00:19:54,535
because I'm good at it and
it lowers my beauty budget.
369
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,203
I also hand out
fliers for Jesse
370
00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:59,248
because I support the arts
and I'm a really good friend.
371
00:19:59,323 --> 00:20:01,325
And I also really like
taking orders at Wo-Hop
372
00:20:01,409 --> 00:20:03,002
because they have the
best Chinese in the city.
373
00:20:03,077 --> 00:20:05,079
Everybody knows that,
and I get it for free.
374
00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:06,414
Switch.
375
00:20:09,792 --> 00:20:11,669
Why aren't you at work?
376
00:20:13,963 --> 00:20:15,385
Did Jesse tell you?
377
00:20:15,464 --> 00:20:18,264
You kind of gave it away
with the greasy hair and the pajamas.
378
00:20:18,426 --> 00:20:20,724
How you gonna pay
your rent, girl?
379
00:20:21,095 --> 00:20:22,597
I have a savings account.
380
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:24,227
Oh, right, your rich
parents from Long Island
381
00:20:24,306 --> 00:20:26,274
that cut your sandwich up
into cute little four squares
382
00:20:26,350 --> 00:20:27,567
until you went to prep school.
383
00:20:27,643 --> 00:20:28,860
Whatever.
384
00:20:28,936 --> 00:20:31,234
You're not a writer.
You're some fake nail tech
385
00:20:31,313 --> 00:20:33,633
with a counterfeit diploma you
probably printed at Kinko's.
386
00:20:35,985 --> 00:20:37,157
Oh, Ming Lee!
387
00:20:42,408 --> 00:20:44,160
What did you say to her?
388
00:20:48,956 --> 00:20:52,836
Yeah, I'm your slave.
I love being your slave.
389
00:20:53,544 --> 00:20:58,141
Yeah, put me in your cage!
I wanna go in the cage!
390
00:20:58,215 --> 00:21:02,561
Wait! Wait, it's dark in here! I
don't wanna be in here any more!
391
00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:04,604
I don't wanna be
in here any more!
392
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:08,310
Yeah, your dick looks so big
and it's looking at me!
393
00:21:08,392 --> 00:21:10,110
Let me out! I'm scared!
Kane?
394
00:21:10,186 --> 00:21:14,282
Please, let me out! Please, let me out!
Let me out!
395
00:21:14,356 --> 00:21:15,528
I wanna...
396
00:21:17,193 --> 00:21:19,742
Just cum on my face.
Got to go, bye.
397
00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:21,117
No, no, no...
398
00:21:33,209 --> 00:21:34,461
I'm hungry.
399
00:21:35,252 --> 00:21:37,220
You want the story or not?
400
00:21:38,506 --> 00:21:40,554
Yeah, sure.
Fine. Whatever.
401
00:21:44,595 --> 00:21:46,768
When I first came to New York,
402
00:21:46,847 --> 00:21:49,020
I didn't have money,
like I'm sure you did.
403
00:21:49,099 --> 00:21:50,976
And I didn't have
parents that were like,
404
00:21:51,060 --> 00:21:54,030
"Oh, you can be the first pretty
president," or whatever, okay?
405
00:21:54,104 --> 00:21:55,731
My gram let me
move in with her,
406
00:21:55,815 --> 00:21:57,408
but I was pretty
much on my own.
407
00:21:57,483 --> 00:21:59,656
And then she died
and I saw an ad
408
00:21:59,735 --> 00:22:01,863
in the Village Voice
for a phone sex line
409
00:22:01,946 --> 00:22:04,665
and I called it,
and I nailed my interview.
410
00:22:04,740 --> 00:22:06,583
And that's how I'm here.
411
00:22:06,992 --> 00:22:08,619
Why are you so mopey?
412
00:22:09,703 --> 00:22:12,707
Charlie changed his Facebook
status to "single" today.
413
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:18,550
Sorry. I mean, I don't
really deal with break-ups,
414
00:22:20,673 --> 00:22:22,175
but it's not so bad
being alone.
415
00:22:22,883 --> 00:22:24,556
Take the cookie.
416
00:22:31,517 --> 00:22:32,894
So, how does it work?
417
00:22:32,977 --> 00:22:35,526
Basically, like,
whatever they say,
418
00:22:35,604 --> 00:22:37,698
I just tell them
I wanna lick it.
419
00:22:37,773 --> 00:22:40,492
Like, nipple guy, lick it.
Hairy balls? Lick 'em all.
420
00:22:40,568 --> 00:22:41,569
Okay. Ew.
421
00:22:41,652 --> 00:22:43,325
You have to know
some dirty words.
422
00:22:43,404 --> 00:22:45,031
Didn't you talk
during sex with Charlie?
423
00:22:45,114 --> 00:22:47,412
I mean, he loved when I
would tell him he was sexy.
424
00:22:47,491 --> 00:22:49,368
Wow.
Whatever.
425
00:22:49,451 --> 00:22:51,545
I meant,
how do you get the calls?
426
00:22:51,620 --> 00:22:54,715
It's easy. I just call and tell 'em when
I'm on and they forward me the calls.
427
00:22:54,790 --> 00:22:56,588
How much are these guys paying?
428
00:22:56,709 --> 00:22:58,552
I think like $4.99.
429
00:22:58,627 --> 00:23:01,801
I get $1 a minute. It's a decent
enough living for me, though.
430
00:23:01,881 --> 00:23:04,634
Except I'm always going over
my cell phone minutes, but...
431
00:23:04,717 --> 00:23:06,219
Okay.
432
00:23:06,552 --> 00:23:08,850
First, get a land line.
433
00:23:08,929 --> 00:23:10,727
You're wasting your time
for a buck a minute
434
00:23:10,848 --> 00:23:12,646
and this depraved
company you work for
435
00:23:12,725 --> 00:23:15,399
makes four times as much
as you for doing nothing.
436
00:23:15,477 --> 00:23:17,104
Get your own hotline.
437
00:23:17,187 --> 00:23:19,656
Okay, rude.
I've thought of that.
438
00:23:19,815 --> 00:23:22,238
It just sounds
like a ton of work.
439
00:23:22,318 --> 00:23:24,320
It's not a ton of work.
440
00:23:25,070 --> 00:23:26,822
You just call
the phone company,
441
00:23:26,906 --> 00:23:28,908
they'll give you a new number,
442
00:23:28,991 --> 00:23:31,335
you'll set up a PayPal account,
443
00:23:31,410 --> 00:23:35,005
tell your repeat callers your
new number and you're done.
444
00:23:37,333 --> 00:23:38,960
You seem to know
how to do this.
445
00:23:39,043 --> 00:23:41,262
Don't even think about it.
446
00:23:41,337 --> 00:23:42,589
Help me make this a business
447
00:23:42,671 --> 00:23:45,766
and I'll pay $100 of your rent
until you get another job.
448
00:23:45,841 --> 00:23:46,933
No.
449
00:23:47,009 --> 00:23:48,056
Okay, forever.
450
00:23:49,929 --> 00:23:52,307
I have an interview
tomorrow at Laxton Press.
451
00:23:52,389 --> 00:23:55,017
It is the second best
publishing house in the world,
452
00:23:55,100 --> 00:23:57,819
it is my dream job
and I'm perfect for it.
453
00:23:57,895 --> 00:24:01,024
Really? Okay, well, you go
get your fancy-pants boring job
454
00:24:01,106 --> 00:24:03,279
and I'll just be
here being exciting.
455
00:24:03,359 --> 00:24:04,531
Fine.
456
00:24:05,319 --> 00:24:08,869
It's my 10:00 regular.
His name's Sean.
457
00:24:08,948 --> 00:24:10,348
You know,
you're not better than me.
458
00:24:10,366 --> 00:24:12,164
You're not better
than phone sex!
459
00:24:14,036 --> 00:24:16,004
I'm better than phone sex.
460
00:24:17,373 --> 00:24:20,297
Just imagine me playing with
your balls while you fuck me.
461
00:24:20,376 --> 00:24:23,346
I wanna lick you
from top to bottom.
462
00:24:23,420 --> 00:24:25,388
I wanna hear you cum.
463
00:24:28,258 --> 00:24:29,510
Fuck!
464
00:24:35,766 --> 00:24:36,858
Hi.
465
00:24:37,643 --> 00:24:38,895
Hi.
466
00:24:42,147 --> 00:24:44,149
So, not to drop a bomb on you,
467
00:24:44,233 --> 00:24:47,828
but it's our two-month
anniversary this week.
468
00:24:48,362 --> 00:24:52,708
Yeah, I know. You don't got to tell me.
I got the phone bills.
469
00:24:52,783 --> 00:24:55,582
And don't take that the wrong way.
You know I like you.
470
00:24:55,661 --> 00:24:57,584
Yeah, I figured.
471
00:24:58,247 --> 00:25:00,545
Am I the only one
you're phone banging?
472
00:25:00,624 --> 00:25:02,626
You're the only one, period.
473
00:25:02,710 --> 00:25:06,886
I don't know, it's just easier on the phone.
I get quiet around people.
474
00:25:07,631 --> 00:25:09,224
I'm shy, too.
475
00:25:09,299 --> 00:25:10,926
No, you're not.
476
00:25:11,010 --> 00:25:14,856
Last week you described a
gang-bang you had in college
477
00:25:14,930 --> 00:25:17,024
while I came
all over my coffee table.
478
00:25:17,099 --> 00:25:22,105
Stop! Do not ever tell me
what I've said to you ever again.
479
00:25:22,229 --> 00:25:24,402
I have another call coming in
480
00:25:24,481 --> 00:25:25,698
and you need to
save your pennies.
481
00:25:25,774 --> 00:25:27,742
I'll talk to you later, lover.
482
00:25:27,818 --> 00:25:28,910
Bye.
483
00:25:31,655 --> 00:25:33,032
Hello?
484
00:25:33,115 --> 00:25:36,619
Look, I'm qualified. I'm
more than qualified for this job.
485
00:25:36,702 --> 00:25:40,423
I have wasted the last five years of
my life working for the wrong company.
486
00:25:40,497 --> 00:25:42,124
I'm ready to take my
career to the next level
487
00:25:42,207 --> 00:25:43,800
which is why I'm here with you.
488
00:25:43,876 --> 00:25:45,048
Okay.
489
00:25:45,127 --> 00:25:48,006
I am the most organized
person you will ever meet.
490
00:25:48,088 --> 00:25:50,386
I am the most hard-working
person you'll ever meet.
491
00:25:50,466 --> 00:25:51,467
Probably one of the smartest.
492
00:25:51,550 --> 00:25:53,177
Listen, the job
we called you in for
493
00:25:53,260 --> 00:25:54,853
was filled via
nepotism this morning.
494
00:25:54,928 --> 00:25:57,351
Actually, it's not really nepotism.
It's cronyism or...
495
00:25:57,431 --> 00:25:58,899
I don't know what
it's called when you hire
496
00:25:58,974 --> 00:26:00,414
someone's nephew,
but there's no job,
497
00:26:00,476 --> 00:26:02,729
and there won't
be another one for
498
00:26:02,811 --> 00:26:04,984
about three months
for a junior editor.
499
00:26:06,023 --> 00:26:07,525
Three months?
500
00:26:09,276 --> 00:26:12,371
I really need a job right now.
501
00:26:13,989 --> 00:26:16,287
From the looks of this,
you've had everything
502
00:26:16,408 --> 00:26:18,752
planned out since you
were five-years-old.
503
00:26:18,827 --> 00:26:21,501
Maybe take a summer off
504
00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:26,920
from escorting Dawn's Syndrome
children to the Broadway theater.
505
00:26:28,337 --> 00:26:30,180
We all made fun of you.
506
00:26:31,507 --> 00:26:36,434
Work, you fucking piece of
fucking motherfucking shit!
507
00:26:36,512 --> 00:26:37,513
Hi.
508
00:26:37,846 --> 00:26:39,223
Hi.
509
00:26:39,306 --> 00:26:41,900
Laxton Press isn't hiring
for another three months.
510
00:26:41,975 --> 00:26:44,854
So, until then, I'm yours.
511
00:26:44,937 --> 00:26:46,109
I wanna make
a third of the profits
512
00:26:46,188 --> 00:26:47,314
and I'm not
getting on the phone.
513
00:26:47,397 --> 00:26:48,444
It's strictly business.
514
00:26:48,524 --> 00:26:49,525
I wouldn't want
you on the phone.
515
00:26:49,608 --> 00:26:50,780
You wouldn't have
any idea what to do.
516
00:26:50,859 --> 00:26:52,099
Can you help me make a website?
517
00:26:52,111 --> 00:26:53,237
Of course, I could,
518
00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:54,788
but you don't
need a website yet.
519
00:26:54,863 --> 00:26:57,787
You need a phone number and a
phone for your new landline.
520
00:26:59,034 --> 00:27:01,878
Oh, my God, you got me a gift!
521
00:27:01,954 --> 00:27:02,955
You're welcome.
522
00:27:03,038 --> 00:27:04,881
And it's pink!
523
00:27:05,874 --> 00:27:06,921
Okay.
524
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:10,470
So I've been thinking
about the concept of my line
525
00:27:10,546 --> 00:27:13,641
and the thing about it
is that it's classic.
526
00:27:13,715 --> 00:27:17,470
It's always in style just
like my pretty pink phone.
527
00:27:17,553 --> 00:27:21,183
These men wanna jerk off to your voice.
They don't need a concept.
528
00:27:21,265 --> 00:27:22,892
What's your number?
529
00:27:22,975 --> 00:27:24,773
Okay, slave driver.
530
00:27:25,978 --> 00:27:27,480
What about
531
00:27:28,522 --> 00:27:32,117
1-900-ASS-TIME?
532
00:27:32,192 --> 00:27:33,444
No?
533
00:27:33,527 --> 00:27:36,656
1-900-U-FINGER?
534
00:27:36,738 --> 00:27:40,038
1-900-ASS-BAGS?
535
00:27:40,117 --> 00:27:41,369
No, no, no.
TEA-BAGS?
536
00:27:41,451 --> 00:27:42,703
Something with "bags"
in it. I don't know.
537
00:27:42,786 --> 00:27:44,459
1-900-VAG-BAGS?
538
00:27:44,538 --> 00:27:46,381
Mmm.
539
00:27:46,456 --> 00:27:48,879
Oh, my God,
this smells so good.
540
00:27:48,959 --> 00:27:50,085
Mmm!
541
00:27:51,253 --> 00:27:52,505
That's not bad.
542
00:27:53,046 --> 00:27:54,263
1-900-VAG-BAGS?
543
00:27:54,423 --> 00:27:55,675
No.
544
00:27:55,757 --> 00:27:59,637
No. 1-900-MMM-HMMM.
545
00:28:00,012 --> 00:28:01,730
Mmm!
546
00:28:01,805 --> 00:28:04,308
Like, 1-900-M-M-M...
547
00:28:04,391 --> 00:28:07,019
H-M-M-M.
548
00:28:07,102 --> 00:28:08,103
Yeah.
549
00:28:08,395 --> 00:28:10,113
Ooh.
550
00:28:10,189 --> 00:28:11,657
I like it.
551
00:28:12,900 --> 00:28:14,447
That's it!
552
00:28:14,943 --> 00:28:16,445
Yes!
553
00:28:17,404 --> 00:28:20,533
I love it!
I love it so much!
554
00:28:22,367 --> 00:28:23,994
Hello, world!
555
00:28:24,077 --> 00:28:29,004
For a good time,
call 1-900-M-M-M-H-M-M-M!
556
00:28:33,587 --> 00:28:34,930
We have a business!
557
00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:38,717
1-900-MMM-HMMM?
558
00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:42,350
Yes, I am. Hold for billing, please.
Billing!
559
00:28:42,804 --> 00:28:44,681
Misty, it's Dan
from Connecticut.
560
00:28:44,765 --> 00:28:47,234
Cheryl, it's Eddie
from East Lansing.
561
00:28:47,309 --> 00:28:49,186
Rachel, it's Schleheim again.
562
00:28:49,686 --> 00:28:52,735
Guzzling cum?
My favorite! Lauren!
563
00:28:52,981 --> 00:28:54,107
Tootsie!
564
00:28:54,233 --> 00:28:55,325
Champagne!
565
00:28:55,484 --> 00:28:57,828
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
566
00:28:58,070 --> 00:28:59,117
D.J.?
567
00:28:59,363 --> 00:29:00,580
Stephanie?
568
00:29:00,906 --> 00:29:02,954
No! No! I said no! No!
569
00:29:03,158 --> 00:29:05,035
Cindy, Aaron with
the low-hangers.
570
00:29:05,410 --> 00:29:06,878
April, get the water bottles.
571
00:29:06,954 --> 00:29:08,831
It's John, the one who
likes to hear you pee.
572
00:29:09,122 --> 00:29:11,682
Mmm. You sound like a redhead. Do
you have freckles on your dick?
573
00:29:11,708 --> 00:29:13,836
See, what I do is just wait
till it comes out on DVD
574
00:29:13,919 --> 00:29:15,421
and then I just
watch it all in a row.
575
00:29:15,504 --> 00:29:17,222
Oh! Fuck,
that's my cervix!
576
00:29:17,673 --> 00:29:20,472
Whoa, whoa! This is
still Billing!
577
00:29:20,759 --> 00:29:23,603
Hi, it's Katie. Leave a message. Bye!
578
00:29:24,846 --> 00:29:27,565
Hey, good job not calling me back.
Well done.
579
00:29:27,641 --> 00:29:31,316
Is this number a beeper? Because
a human never answers. Jesus.
580
00:29:32,437 --> 00:29:34,235
Oh, I love that smell.
581
00:29:35,357 --> 00:29:36,449
Mmm.
582
00:29:36,525 --> 00:29:38,027
Can I lick it?
583
00:29:38,610 --> 00:29:42,660
You're a dirty girl, Misty. Oh,
my God, you're gonna make me go.
584
00:29:43,282 --> 00:29:46,411
Ooh, it's so good.
It's so good!
585
00:29:47,869 --> 00:29:50,213
I want to get on
my hands and knees
586
00:29:50,289 --> 00:29:52,587
and reverse into that big cock.
587
00:29:52,666 --> 00:29:55,636
Yeah, back it up.
Back it up.
588
00:30:01,008 --> 00:30:02,100
Beep.
589
00:30:03,593 --> 00:30:05,891
Beep, beep.
590
00:30:06,888 --> 00:30:09,141
- Beep.
- Beep.
591
00:30:09,224 --> 00:30:13,354
Toot, toot! Oh! Beep, beep!
Toot, toot!
592
00:30:13,687 --> 00:30:15,610
Beep, beep, beep, beep!
593
00:30:15,689 --> 00:30:18,192
Beep, beep, beep, beep!
594
00:30:18,275 --> 00:30:22,405
Loadin' dock! Loadin' dock!
Dick dock! Dick dock!
595
00:30:22,487 --> 00:30:24,706
Yeah, fill me, fill me up!
596
00:30:30,746 --> 00:30:34,341
You all done? Okay, honey.
Call us back soon. Bye.
597
00:30:34,416 --> 00:30:36,214
I thought he was
never gonna cum.
598
00:30:42,507 --> 00:30:44,509
Welcome to Jersey, ma'am.
599
00:30:52,434 --> 00:30:54,812
You're right. it really
does open up the space.
600
00:30:54,895 --> 00:30:56,496
Actually, I have
some things to tell you.
601
00:30:56,980 --> 00:30:58,527
I've instated
a 10-minute minimum
602
00:30:58,607 --> 00:31:00,826
so we don't have to waste time with
those two-pump Johnnys any more.
603
00:31:00,901 --> 00:31:02,448
I like it.
Okay.
604
00:31:02,527 --> 00:31:03,574
Second, and this is
the big one.
605
00:31:03,653 --> 00:31:04,654
Okay.
606
00:31:04,738 --> 00:31:07,457
We've made $12,000
in three weeks!
607
00:31:07,532 --> 00:31:08,579
No.
Yes.
608
00:31:08,658 --> 00:31:10,035
Oh, my God!
I know!
609
00:31:10,118 --> 00:31:13,668
And because of that, I felt like
just to be safe business-wise,
610
00:31:13,747 --> 00:31:15,624
I incorporated us
so we're now an LLC.
611
00:31:15,707 --> 00:31:17,129
No shit!
Yes.
612
00:31:17,209 --> 00:31:19,928
Well, fuck Grandma!
Can I get us that new couch?
613
00:31:20,003 --> 00:31:21,471
Sure. Okay.
614
00:31:21,546 --> 00:31:24,390
I really, really need you to drink
this green tea I made for you
615
00:31:24,466 --> 00:31:26,184
because you're
getting all hoarse again.
616
00:31:26,259 --> 00:31:28,227
I know. I got to
keep the throat lubed.
617
00:31:29,471 --> 00:31:32,566
I have also been thinking
and I was wondering
618
00:31:32,641 --> 00:31:34,689
if maybe we could
hire some dumb-ass
619
00:31:34,768 --> 00:31:36,770
to work for us for $1 a minute?
620
00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:39,732
Urn...
621
00:31:39,815 --> 00:31:41,032
Yeah. Yeah,
we could do that.
622
00:31:41,108 --> 00:31:44,533
Perfect because
I already found her!
623
00:31:44,611 --> 00:31:46,113
You did?
Yes. She writes...
624
00:31:46,196 --> 00:31:49,245
"Dear slut talkers,
look no further."
625
00:31:49,324 --> 00:31:52,954
"I scared my last boyfriend away
by how dirty I talked in bed."
626
00:31:53,036 --> 00:31:54,788
"Here's a taste."
627
00:31:55,580 --> 00:31:57,503
"Fuck my tits
until they're so raw,"
628
00:31:57,582 --> 00:31:59,425
"you have to move
down to my itty bitty..."
629
00:31:59,501 --> 00:32:03,802
...itty bitty,
edible gummy-wear thong.
630
00:32:03,880 --> 00:32:06,975
I am loud, I am creative
631
00:32:07,050 --> 00:32:10,350
and I love
giving phone blowies.
632
00:32:11,680 --> 00:32:14,729
So this is a nice couch.
633
00:32:15,267 --> 00:32:18,771
And also, I've been
practicing my baby voice.
634
00:32:19,604 --> 00:32:22,858
"That won't fit, mister!"
635
00:32:24,109 --> 00:32:27,909
Not really for us. We really try
to stay away from the pedo thing.
636
00:32:27,988 --> 00:32:30,707
You do really sound like a baby,
though, so congrats on that.
637
00:32:32,325 --> 00:32:33,326
May I?
638
00:32:34,494 --> 00:32:36,838
Oh, the stripper pole?
Sure, go for a spin.
639
00:32:36,913 --> 00:32:38,210
Has it been used today?
640
00:32:38,331 --> 00:32:39,583
Not today.
641
00:32:39,666 --> 00:32:40,963
Okay, great.
642
00:32:41,042 --> 00:32:42,043
I love her!
643
00:32:42,127 --> 00:32:43,174
Love her!
644
00:32:48,216 --> 00:32:50,844
Look at you, you're a natural.
645
00:32:51,303 --> 00:32:53,055
So... You are
very flexible.
646
00:32:53,180 --> 00:32:54,352
She's better than me.
647
00:32:54,431 --> 00:32:55,478
Well, let's not...
648
00:32:55,557 --> 00:32:57,559
Okay, we charge
a 10-minute minimum,
649
00:32:57,642 --> 00:33:01,146
so the point is just keep the guys
on the call as long as possible.
650
00:33:01,229 --> 00:33:03,903
Just make sure that they bring
up the sex stuff, okay?
651
00:33:03,982 --> 00:33:05,343
You just small talk
from the get go
652
00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:06,652
and see what
happens after that.
653
00:33:06,735 --> 00:33:08,112
I'm from Maui
654
00:33:08,195 --> 00:33:10,414
and I love to take
my cat to the dog park
655
00:33:10,489 --> 00:33:12,457
on Sunday mornings
in my bikini.
656
00:33:15,660 --> 00:33:17,003
I mean, it's perfect.
Amazing.
657
00:33:17,078 --> 00:33:18,876
You got to be on your A-game,
though, for every call.
658
00:33:18,955 --> 00:33:20,002
All right,
don't listen to this,
659
00:33:20,081 --> 00:33:22,334
but I don't care if they wanna
take a pretend dump on your boobs.
660
00:33:22,417 --> 00:33:23,919
You just roll with it
and act like it's sexy.
661
00:33:24,002 --> 00:33:25,094
Can we see it?
662
00:33:25,295 --> 00:33:30,517
Steamy!
I like it right there!
663
00:33:31,218 --> 00:33:32,265
Ooh!
664
00:33:33,637 --> 00:33:35,935
Get over here!
Welcome to our family!
665
00:33:44,022 --> 00:33:47,447
I just came in my panties
and I'm a squirter, honey!
666
00:33:48,276 --> 00:33:51,371
You wanna smell them?
'Cause they smell so good!
667
00:33:52,322 --> 00:33:56,247
Yeah, you can have them for $29.95,
plus shipping and handling.
668
00:33:57,744 --> 00:34:02,215
Good boy. I'm gonna make 'em
nice and wet just for you!
669
00:34:03,291 --> 00:34:05,009
- Surprise!
- Hi! Hi!
670
00:34:05,085 --> 00:34:06,883
Hello! Oh, my God!
671
00:34:07,337 --> 00:34:08,429
Hi!
672
00:34:08,505 --> 00:34:10,553
Daddy had an appointment
in the city this afternoon
673
00:34:10,632 --> 00:34:11,975
and I wanted to check out
the sale at Barneys
674
00:34:12,050 --> 00:34:13,723
and we figured as long as we
were in the neighborhood...
675
00:34:13,802 --> 00:34:15,930
Your mother's lying.
So sorry we didn't call.
676
00:34:16,012 --> 00:34:17,685
Okay. Just give me
one second, okay?
677
00:34:17,764 --> 00:34:18,811
Sure.
678
00:34:21,643 --> 00:34:22,815
Fuck.
679
00:34:24,145 --> 00:34:27,069
I'm so glad Charlie let you
keep the dishes. That's only fair.
680
00:34:27,148 --> 00:34:30,652
This is like the longest
hallway in Manhattan.
681
00:34:31,987 --> 00:34:34,581
Brought your favorite, boo-boo kitty.
Magnolia!
682
00:34:34,656 --> 00:34:35,703
Thanks, Mom!
683
00:34:35,782 --> 00:34:38,410
Hello. Hello. Oh,
and this is a potted plant.
684
00:34:38,493 --> 00:34:40,086
Great. Thank you.
685
00:34:40,161 --> 00:34:42,584
Hit it!
I'm so close!
686
00:34:43,623 --> 00:34:45,000
That's...
687
00:34:45,500 --> 00:34:48,424
That's my roommate. She's
exercising in her room.
688
00:34:48,503 --> 00:34:50,176
What is that?
689
00:34:50,255 --> 00:34:51,928
Is that a stripper pole?
690
00:34:52,007 --> 00:34:53,224
Oh!
691
00:34:53,300 --> 00:34:54,973
Yeah, it is.
692
00:34:55,051 --> 00:34:57,679
Oh, my God, is your
roommate a stripper?
693
00:34:57,762 --> 00:35:01,767
No! Oh, my God. No, she's not a stripper!
She exercises on there.
694
00:35:01,850 --> 00:35:02,897
You know,
it's good for your abs.
695
00:35:02,976 --> 00:35:04,353
That's not structural.
696
00:35:05,186 --> 00:35:07,188
Have one of these guys.
You had me worried for a second.
697
00:35:07,272 --> 00:35:09,695
Actually, honey, Daddy and I
were in your account this week
698
00:35:09,774 --> 00:35:12,448
to make a little gift deposit.
699
00:35:12,527 --> 00:35:13,767
You guys still
watch my account?
700
00:35:13,778 --> 00:35:15,121
We couldn't help
but notice that
701
00:35:15,196 --> 00:35:16,517
you have 10 grand
in that account.
702
00:35:16,573 --> 00:35:19,452
Did Morty finally
give you that promotion?
703
00:35:20,702 --> 00:35:21,999
Did he?
704
00:35:23,913 --> 00:35:26,416
Yeah. Yeah, he did.
705
00:35:26,499 --> 00:35:30,470
I know, I am so sorry. I don't know
why I forgot to tell you guys.
706
00:35:30,587 --> 00:35:32,089
That's awesome. ADELE: Sweetie,
it's just not like you
707
00:35:32,172 --> 00:35:33,845
to keep these things
to yourself.
708
00:35:33,923 --> 00:35:35,596
Scott! Adele!
709
00:35:36,384 --> 00:35:39,809
Katie. Oh, God,
what a pleasure.
710
00:35:39,888 --> 00:35:41,481
It's so nice to meet you.
You.
711
00:35:41,556 --> 00:35:43,103
Well, okay.
Oh, my goodness.
712
00:35:43,224 --> 00:35:45,192
Lauren didn't tell me
how good-looking you were.
713
00:35:45,268 --> 00:35:47,646
Why don't you sit down? Let's
get to know each other, then.
714
00:35:47,729 --> 00:35:48,855
I would love that.
715
00:35:48,938 --> 00:35:52,408
I would love to do that
because I love parents,
716
00:35:53,526 --> 00:35:58,373
but our very good friend
Krissy is coming over
717
00:35:58,448 --> 00:36:01,452
and she just
went through one of
718
00:36:01,576 --> 00:36:04,580
the worst break-ups
I've ever been privy to.
719
00:36:04,663 --> 00:36:06,506
Don't even get me started.
Oh, my God.
720
00:36:06,581 --> 00:36:08,549
I told you this was gonna be a bad time.
721
00:36:08,625 --> 00:36:10,127
You guys... We'll stop into
the city again really soon.
722
00:36:10,210 --> 00:36:12,759
She's just heart-broken. if we
can just do this another time?
723
00:36:12,837 --> 00:36:14,214
I understand. Okay.
724
00:36:14,297 --> 00:36:15,469
They need some time.
725
00:36:15,548 --> 00:36:17,221
Your promotion's a big deal.
We've got to celebrate.
726
00:36:17,300 --> 00:36:19,348
I know.
Oh, thank you.
727
00:36:19,427 --> 00:36:20,679
Oh, dear.
728
00:36:20,762 --> 00:36:22,935
Look who I found,
just surviving.
729
00:36:23,014 --> 00:36:24,516
You're doing good.
Hi.
730
00:36:24,599 --> 00:36:25,851
Hi.
I'm Krissy.
731
00:36:25,934 --> 00:36:30,064
Krissy, I'm Adele. Sweetie, I
know we just met, but listen,
732
00:36:30,146 --> 00:36:31,773
life is full of ups and downs
733
00:36:31,856 --> 00:36:32,948
and good times will come again.
It is.
734
00:36:33,024 --> 00:36:34,196
Adele and I were separated,
it worked out fine.
735
00:36:34,275 --> 00:36:35,492
Come on, honey, let's go.
736
00:36:35,568 --> 00:36:36,694
Feel better, honey.
737
00:36:36,778 --> 00:36:38,075
I'm gonna walk them out.
Okay.
738
00:36:38,154 --> 00:36:39,622
Nice to meet you, Katie.
739
00:36:42,784 --> 00:36:46,334
There, there, sweet thing.
I've got you.
740
00:36:46,413 --> 00:36:47,585
Okay.
741
00:36:47,664 --> 00:36:48,836
I've got you. I do.
742
00:36:48,915 --> 00:36:50,041
It's over, you guys.
743
00:36:50,125 --> 00:36:51,172
Oh.
Oh.
744
00:36:51,251 --> 00:36:53,504
Let's get this
fuck show started!
745
00:36:54,337 --> 00:36:56,305
Please hold for Misty.
746
00:36:57,173 --> 00:37:00,097
Krissy!
It's John from San Jose!
747
00:37:02,303 --> 00:37:04,397
Oh, God, it feels good
to have a night off.
748
00:37:04,472 --> 00:37:06,352
I feel like I was always
meant to be an employer
749
00:37:06,391 --> 00:37:08,268
and not an employee.
750
00:37:08,935 --> 00:37:11,563
Do you remember the last
time we left this apartment?
751
00:37:11,646 --> 00:37:14,149
No, I really don't.
752
00:37:14,232 --> 00:37:15,484
Can I braid your hair?
753
00:37:17,694 --> 00:37:18,820
Okay.
754
00:37:19,362 --> 00:37:20,989
I want you to
go get a bowl of milk.
755
00:37:21,072 --> 00:37:23,746
A very, very full bowl of milk.
756
00:37:23,825 --> 00:37:26,044
And then I want to
squat over top of it.
757
00:37:26,161 --> 00:37:28,414
You're gonna dangle
your boys in there.
758
00:37:28,496 --> 00:37:30,376
What's that, did I hear a
dog in the background?
759
00:37:30,457 --> 00:37:34,052
Okay. I want you to go get some kibble.
Yes, go get some kibble.
760
00:37:34,127 --> 00:37:36,596
I want you to take two pieces,
put them in your mouth.
761
00:37:36,671 --> 00:37:38,594
Take three pieces and
put them in your bum.
762
00:37:38,923 --> 00:37:41,722
Okay, do you have any
potted plants around you?
763
00:37:41,843 --> 00:37:44,266
Okay, I want you to
go grab that potted plant.
764
00:37:44,345 --> 00:37:45,346
Good. Did it crack?
765
00:37:45,555 --> 00:37:46,932
Ooh. I like that.
766
00:37:47,015 --> 00:37:49,313
Okay, now I want you
to crack all your toes.
767
00:37:49,392 --> 00:37:50,769
Now, when you're
on the tenth one,
768
00:37:50,852 --> 00:37:55,824
I want you to pull each lace out of
your shoe very slowly. Good boy.
769
00:37:55,899 --> 00:37:57,492
Now, when you have
that lace out,
770
00:37:57,567 --> 00:37:59,535
I want you to wrap it
around your balls.
771
00:37:59,611 --> 00:38:01,613
You're gonna start
tugging really gentle.
772
00:38:01,696 --> 00:38:04,791
Now, I'm gonna deliver you
a very special message
773
00:38:04,866 --> 00:38:07,619
and when I do that, I want
you to pull real hard, okay?
774
00:38:07,702 --> 00:38:09,249
You got that lace? Good.
775
00:38:09,329 --> 00:38:11,957
Here's your special message,
Mr. Phone Caller.
776
00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:15,510
Girl, you do a good braid.
777
00:38:16,377 --> 00:38:19,381
I feel like she's talking
a lot of calls in there.
778
00:38:19,464 --> 00:38:21,262
Do you wanna go check?
Yeah.
779
00:38:21,341 --> 00:38:22,638
Okay.
780
00:38:22,717 --> 00:38:25,186
You've got your hairy
dick in your hand, yeah?
781
00:38:25,261 --> 00:38:28,936
That plastic bag over your head?
You feel like a naughty boy?
782
00:38:29,015 --> 00:38:32,645
You know who else thinks
you're a naughty boy? G-O-D.
783
00:38:32,727 --> 00:38:35,822
Forget this number. Do you
want God to damn you to Hell?
784
00:38:35,897 --> 00:38:38,400
Because he just did.
785
00:38:38,483 --> 00:38:40,201
What the fuck! Get the
fuck off the phone!
786
00:38:40,318 --> 00:38:42,036
We're running a business here!
787
00:38:42,111 --> 00:38:44,409
God bless you.
Jesus loves you.
788
00:38:46,032 --> 00:38:49,081
Your business is disgusting.
789
00:38:51,454 --> 00:38:53,957
What is that?
790
00:38:54,040 --> 00:38:55,041
It's a cross.
791
00:38:55,124 --> 00:38:58,128
I know what it is!
I know what it is!
792
00:38:58,211 --> 00:39:01,010
I am an undercover
agent of the Lord.
793
00:39:01,089 --> 00:39:03,342
And you two didn't
even know. Even you.
794
00:39:03,758 --> 00:39:05,351
And you seem smart.
795
00:39:05,426 --> 00:39:07,428
I saved some souls tonight
796
00:39:07,512 --> 00:39:10,356
and that's more than I can say
for you two phone whores!
797
00:39:10,431 --> 00:39:13,435
All right, well, obviously you're fired!
Out! Outwith you!
798
00:39:13,518 --> 00:39:15,145
Get out!
Jesus loves you, too.
799
00:39:15,228 --> 00:39:17,356
Come on!
Out, out, out!
800
00:39:17,438 --> 00:39:18,860
Let there be
no filth in this...
801
00:39:18,940 --> 00:39:20,362
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
We're Jews.
802
00:39:23,903 --> 00:39:25,450
I don't wanna hear it!
803
00:39:29,701 --> 00:39:31,749
Oh, God, I'm cumming!
804
00:39:31,828 --> 00:39:33,000
Amen!
805
00:39:35,665 --> 00:39:38,965
Oh, my God.
Fucking Craigslist.
806
00:39:40,128 --> 00:39:41,471
What happened?
807
00:39:43,089 --> 00:39:47,060
I just picked up
the phone and he came.
808
00:39:47,135 --> 00:39:50,014
I should be
our second operator.
809
00:39:50,096 --> 00:39:52,940
I don't wanna be
boring any more.
810
00:39:54,142 --> 00:39:55,940
Are you high?
811
00:39:56,019 --> 00:39:57,396
I appreciate the sentiment,
812
00:39:57,478 --> 00:39:59,981
but we just lost
half our callers
813
00:40:00,064 --> 00:40:02,533
to fucking Jesus of
Nazareth back there.
814
00:40:03,568 --> 00:40:07,163
Look, I will do
whatever you tell me to do.
815
00:40:07,238 --> 00:40:10,663
I will lick whatever
you want me to lick.
816
00:40:11,701 --> 00:40:14,250
I will make us so much money.
817
00:40:14,329 --> 00:40:17,003
I'm good at everything.
You know that.
818
00:40:17,790 --> 00:40:19,337
All right.
819
00:40:20,293 --> 00:40:22,716
I'm gonna take
a chance on you, kid.
820
00:40:23,212 --> 00:40:25,965
We start training tomorrow.
821
00:40:28,092 --> 00:40:31,471
Now, you just say the words
as I point to them, okay?
822
00:40:31,554 --> 00:40:33,682
"Dripping, hole,
clenches."
823
00:40:33,765 --> 00:40:34,766
Next.
824
00:40:34,849 --> 00:40:36,772
"Hard, cock, jams."
825
00:40:36,851 --> 00:40:37,818
Next.
826
00:40:37,894 --> 00:40:39,942
"Wet, snatch, opens."
827
00:40:40,021 --> 00:40:41,022
Say it like you mean it!
828
00:40:41,105 --> 00:40:43,073
Okay, let's give this a try.
829
00:40:43,858 --> 00:40:45,235
There's a lot of
dildos in there.
830
00:40:45,318 --> 00:40:47,195
What? I used to
work in a sex shop.
831
00:40:50,073 --> 00:40:53,873
Oh, I love it when
your cock is in my mouth!
832
00:40:55,870 --> 00:40:56,871
Now you try.
833
00:40:59,749 --> 00:41:01,467
Has this ever been in your...
834
00:41:03,211 --> 00:41:04,212
Hello?
835
00:41:04,796 --> 00:41:06,639
Tell me what you're wearing,
you dirty little slut.
836
00:41:06,714 --> 00:41:08,515
Oh, it's this cute dress
from Cynthia Vincent.
837
00:41:08,841 --> 00:41:11,765
Lauren! Hey, I thought we were
gonna take this seriously, right?
838
00:41:11,970 --> 00:41:13,017
Harder!
Faster!
839
00:41:13,096 --> 00:41:15,269
Harder!
Faster!
840
00:41:15,390 --> 00:41:18,894
I'm wearing a lacy, pink thong.
It slid right up my ass.
841
00:41:19,477 --> 00:41:22,481
And a bra that is just so
tight on my heaving breasts.
842
00:41:22,730 --> 00:41:23,777
Good. Good.
843
00:41:28,111 --> 00:41:31,240
I like it when
they're long and hard,
844
00:41:31,322 --> 00:41:35,793
oh, when they really
are just so, so meaty.
845
00:41:40,456 --> 00:41:42,675
Jesus, have you
murdered each other?
846
00:41:42,792 --> 00:41:45,011
It's some real
War of the Roses shit.
847
00:41:45,086 --> 00:41:46,508
I feel like Danny DeVito.
Call me.
848
00:41:51,426 --> 00:41:53,679
I wanna rub your breasts
when I see you in that dress.
849
00:41:53,761 --> 00:41:54,887
Mmm-hmm.
850
00:41:54,971 --> 00:41:56,769
I wanna rub my own breasts
when I see you in that dress.
851
00:41:56,848 --> 00:41:59,943
Ooh, yeah?
Where else are you pink?
852
00:42:00,018 --> 00:42:03,318
I wanna take you to dinner
when I see you in that dress.
853
00:42:03,396 --> 00:42:06,275
Then, after dinner, I'm gonna take
you home and I'm gonna fuck you.
854
00:42:06,399 --> 00:42:08,276
I'm gonna rip
that dress off you
855
00:42:08,359 --> 00:42:09,781
and I'm gonna fuck you so hard.
856
00:42:09,861 --> 00:42:10,862
Cum for me, baby.
857
00:42:10,945 --> 00:42:11,946
Boop!
858
00:42:12,071 --> 00:42:16,121
Yes! Yes! Oh, I'm cumming! I'm cumming!
I'm cumming! I'm cumming!
859
00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:19,079
Oh, God, yes!
Oh, yes.
860
00:42:21,497 --> 00:42:25,843
Well, I just blew my load all over your tits.
I'll see you inside.
861
00:42:28,337 --> 00:42:31,807
Hey, don't make fun of me, but I'm
gonna send you that essay I wrote.
862
00:42:31,883 --> 00:42:33,635
I'll send you that film I cut.
863
00:42:34,677 --> 00:42:38,477
It's only the longest short
film in the history of cinema.
864
00:42:38,556 --> 00:42:40,479
Is this the one
about the little man
865
00:42:40,558 --> 00:42:42,435
that lives inside
of the cardigan?
866
00:42:42,518 --> 00:42:46,739
No, this one is about the conjoined
twins who found happiness.
867
00:42:48,232 --> 00:42:49,449
Oh, okay.
868
00:42:49,525 --> 00:42:51,948
That's my other line,
but call me later
869
00:42:52,028 --> 00:42:54,451
and let's talk
about them. Bye.
870
00:42:57,033 --> 00:42:59,035
1-900-MMM-HMMM.
871
00:43:00,411 --> 00:43:01,833
Uh, a three-way?
872
00:43:03,539 --> 00:43:04,711
Urn...
873
00:43:04,791 --> 00:43:07,795
Yes, we can do that.
874
00:43:08,795 --> 00:43:10,593
Hold for Billing, please.
875
00:43:12,090 --> 00:43:13,342
Lauren!
876
00:43:15,134 --> 00:43:16,255
You need me to run the card?
877
00:43:16,844 --> 00:43:20,849
Yes, and then
I need you to stay.
878
00:43:23,518 --> 00:43:25,737
It's time for your
first call, honey.
879
00:43:28,564 --> 00:43:29,690
Ready?
880
00:43:29,857 --> 00:43:30,983
Yes.
881
00:43:37,073 --> 00:43:38,199
Hi.
882
00:43:38,950 --> 00:43:42,170
I'm Kitty and I'm
here with my friend.
883
00:43:43,246 --> 00:43:45,499
Hello, I'm...
884
00:43:47,208 --> 00:43:48,380
...Catty.
885
00:43:48,459 --> 00:43:50,302
Hello, Kitty and Catty.
886
00:43:50,378 --> 00:43:54,008
I guarantee you, that's gonna confuse
me once I start whackin' off
887
00:43:54,090 --> 00:43:56,138
but for now that's okay.
888
00:43:56,217 --> 00:44:00,893
I've heard you've been a bad
boy and I'm here to save you.
889
00:44:02,390 --> 00:44:05,064
I'm actually the one who
will be doing the saving
890
00:44:05,143 --> 00:44:07,771
because I am a goddamn man
891
00:44:07,854 --> 00:44:11,825
who flies people through the
sky on a bird made of steel.
892
00:44:11,899 --> 00:44:16,905
I'm an airplane pilot and I'm
masturbating while taking a shit.
893
00:44:16,988 --> 00:44:18,388
Tell me what you
ladies are wearing.
894
00:44:18,406 --> 00:44:22,707
Well, Catty is
wearing a lace nightie
895
00:44:22,785 --> 00:44:27,086
and I'm caressing her
with my tongue.
896
00:44:27,165 --> 00:44:30,920
Okay. I'm starting to
masturbate and I'm done pooing.
897
00:44:31,002 --> 00:44:33,425
What part of her
skin specifically
898
00:44:33,546 --> 00:44:35,924
are you caressing
with your tongue?
899
00:44:38,134 --> 00:44:39,602
MY nipples.
900
00:44:40,094 --> 00:44:41,186
Nice.
901
00:44:41,262 --> 00:44:43,356
Okay. Great.
902
00:44:43,431 --> 00:44:45,433
Now you know what
I want you guys to do?
903
00:44:45,516 --> 00:44:48,520
I want you to put your tongues
on a collision course
904
00:44:48,603 --> 00:44:50,731
and just ram those fuckers.
905
00:44:50,813 --> 00:44:51,860
Ram tongues.
906
00:44:59,405 --> 00:45:02,875
Catty is... Oh,
she's such a good kisser.
907
00:45:03,618 --> 00:45:07,168
Her lips are so
luscious and wet.
908
00:45:07,246 --> 00:45:09,795
Okay, so, Catty,
909
00:45:09,874 --> 00:45:13,094
what do Kitty's
underpants look like?
910
00:45:16,047 --> 00:45:17,219
Oh! They're so cute!
911
00:45:17,298 --> 00:45:21,724
I mean, they're...
Well, they're leopard print.
912
00:45:21,802 --> 00:45:26,478
There is an animal up
her tight, sexy ass.
913
00:45:28,184 --> 00:45:29,310
Nice.
914
00:45:30,102 --> 00:45:32,025
Kitty, what do Catty's
underpants look like?
915
00:45:33,064 --> 00:45:36,159
She's not wearing any panties.
Do you like that?
916
00:45:36,817 --> 00:45:39,536
No, I don't. I think that's
gross, to be totally honest.
917
00:45:39,612 --> 00:45:40,613
You're just, what?
918
00:45:40,696 --> 00:45:43,870
You're just sweating vagina
juice in your jeans all day?
919
00:45:43,950 --> 00:45:45,543
That's disgusting.
Put on underpants.
920
00:45:45,618 --> 00:45:49,589
Tell me when you have them on.
So I can keep masturbating.
921
00:45:49,664 --> 00:45:50,881
Jerry, come on,
the flight's about to leave.
922
00:45:50,957 --> 00:45:53,585
Dude, I'm jerking off in here,
right this second, literally,
923
00:45:53,668 --> 00:45:56,387
and you're ruining it.
Just delay the flight, okay?
924
00:45:57,505 --> 00:46:00,850
Now, Catty, look at Kitty
and tell me what you see.
925
00:46:09,892 --> 00:46:11,860
She's so pretty.
926
00:46:13,229 --> 00:46:17,109
She has the most
beautiful eyes.
927
00:46:17,858 --> 00:46:22,534
And her hair is
soft around her face.
928
00:46:23,197 --> 00:46:27,122
And Catty is so beautiful.
929
00:46:27,952 --> 00:46:33,209
She has this luminous skin
that I would kill for.
930
00:46:34,458 --> 00:46:37,803
She is so nice and honest,
931
00:46:37,878 --> 00:46:39,721
and such a good friend.
932
00:46:41,382 --> 00:46:45,057
Kitty is just so
fun and outgoing
933
00:46:45,136 --> 00:46:48,390
and she lights up every room.
934
00:46:49,307 --> 00:46:51,560
And she gives great manicures.
935
00:46:54,562 --> 00:46:57,611
You guys have any dildos or
anything like that around?
936
00:47:16,208 --> 00:47:18,336
Listen, last night was...
937
00:47:19,211 --> 00:47:22,806
You made me proud. You're a
real phone sex operator now.
938
00:47:23,674 --> 00:47:24,971
I know.
939
00:47:26,385 --> 00:47:27,762
I'm a slut.
940
00:47:29,096 --> 00:47:30,393
Is it okay I'm a slut?
941
00:47:30,473 --> 00:47:31,770
Yeah.
942
00:47:33,351 --> 00:47:36,230
A slut that made
$800 in one night!
943
00:47:40,775 --> 00:47:43,528
I don't know if I'm just,
like, being emotional
944
00:47:43,611 --> 00:47:45,329
because of last night
or whatever,
945
00:47:45,404 --> 00:47:48,203
but I want you to stay.
946
00:47:49,158 --> 00:47:51,411
Really stay.
Past the summer.
947
00:47:52,953 --> 00:47:54,079
Okay.
948
00:47:55,247 --> 00:47:56,715
Pinky swear.
949
00:48:06,384 --> 00:48:10,639
I have a friend who's a girl.
And I like it!
950
00:48:11,764 --> 00:48:15,143
You can't take that job at Laxton Publishing.
Let's go full time.
951
00:48:15,226 --> 00:48:16,523
Okay.
952
00:48:17,019 --> 00:48:18,692
It's Laxton Press.
953
00:48:19,897 --> 00:48:21,570
And last night
was my first night,
954
00:48:21,649 --> 00:48:23,289
so let's just take this
as it comes, okay?
955
00:48:23,359 --> 00:48:26,238
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. I get it.
956
00:48:26,862 --> 00:48:28,580
I almost forgot.
957
00:48:29,490 --> 00:48:31,868
We're gonna be twins!
958
00:48:35,037 --> 00:48:36,755
I'll have you know
I schlepped all the way
959
00:48:36,831 --> 00:48:38,504
to Brooklyn to
get this for you.
960
00:48:39,125 --> 00:48:41,127
I will not let you down.
961
00:48:43,170 --> 00:48:46,845
I'm only givin' it to you because
you said I had a nice ass.
962
00:48:54,598 --> 00:48:56,771
Mmm. Eat me
for lunch at your desk!
963
00:49:00,104 --> 00:49:02,027
That feels so good.
964
00:49:03,149 --> 00:49:05,117
Do you have a big calculator?
965
00:49:06,152 --> 00:49:09,247
I have to pee so bad! It's
Harold, our new tax attorney.
966
00:49:09,321 --> 00:49:10,698
I got a big calculator,
I got the biggest!
967
00:49:10,781 --> 00:49:13,330
Yeah, I got a big
calculator for you.
968
00:49:13,409 --> 00:49:18,791
I want you to
press 5-8-0-0-8.
969
00:49:19,665 --> 00:49:22,214
You know what
that spells? "Boobs."
970
00:49:22,460 --> 00:49:24,303
Audit me, Harold!
971
00:49:24,712 --> 00:49:28,933
Inspect every inch of my bod
with a fine-tooth comb.
972
00:49:29,049 --> 00:49:30,972
I'm about to jizz!
973
00:49:31,051 --> 00:49:32,974
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
974
00:49:33,053 --> 00:49:34,896
I think you found my loophole!
975
00:49:36,390 --> 00:49:37,858
It happened!
976
00:49:38,767 --> 00:49:40,144
Pleasure doing
business with you, Harry.
977
00:49:40,227 --> 00:49:43,822
Hey, can you fax over
those I-9s? Okay. Bye.
978
00:49:43,898 --> 00:49:46,276
Okay, bye-bye.
Thank you. Bye.
979
00:49:48,736 --> 00:49:49,737
Becky!
980
00:49:51,238 --> 00:49:53,707
Thank you.
What a relief.
981
00:49:56,744 --> 00:49:58,041
You're welcome.
982
00:49:58,954 --> 00:50:00,831
Is that a gift for me?
Yes.
983
00:50:00,915 --> 00:50:03,418
And I have one, too,
and we're going out.
984
00:50:05,586 --> 00:50:08,135
Oh, my God!
985
00:50:08,839 --> 00:50:11,308
We're matching!
986
00:50:11,383 --> 00:50:13,681
Let's start with
the artichoke dip.
987
00:50:13,761 --> 00:50:16,856
Yes, and then do you maybe wanna
do like the brown sugar pork?
988
00:50:16,931 --> 00:50:18,649
Yes, and like a salad.
With dressing on the side?
989
00:50:18,766 --> 00:50:20,268
With dressing on the side, of course.
Okay, good.
990
00:50:20,351 --> 00:50:24,026
Okay. What is going on here?
991
00:50:24,104 --> 00:50:26,448
Let's just tell him.
992
00:50:26,524 --> 00:50:28,618
Are you guys scissor dancing?
Honestly.
993
00:50:28,692 --> 00:50:30,365
You know, I hate lesbians,
but you have to tell me.
994
00:50:30,444 --> 00:50:32,196
I'll make an exception,
I'll get past it for you two.
995
00:50:32,279 --> 00:50:34,156
No!
What then?
996
00:50:35,324 --> 00:50:38,373
We are running a phone sex line.
Boom!
997
00:50:38,661 --> 00:50:40,709
Shut up.
998
00:50:40,788 --> 00:50:42,256
Not my idea!
999
00:50:42,331 --> 00:50:43,611
And this doesn't
make me a whore!
1000
00:50:43,666 --> 00:50:46,215
A whore? No!
This makes you awesome!
1001
00:50:46,293 --> 00:50:49,547
She just phone-fucked the
shit out of our accountant.
1002
00:50:49,630 --> 00:50:51,849
What's going on?
1003
00:50:51,924 --> 00:50:54,803
What? Wait, wait, wait, wait! But
what happened to Lawson Press?
1004
00:50:54,927 --> 00:50:57,726
Laxton Press, and that bitch
never called me back, so...
1005
00:50:57,805 --> 00:50:59,807
Screw her! She has me.
1006
00:50:59,890 --> 00:51:00,982
Wow.
1007
00:51:01,058 --> 00:51:05,313
You ladies are living some fucked-up
version of the American dream.
1008
00:51:05,396 --> 00:51:07,569
You have to tell me,
what do these guys say?
1009
00:51:07,648 --> 00:51:10,242
Is it all like penis in vagina?
Where do the dicks go?
1010
00:51:10,317 --> 00:51:12,570
I've had phone anal.
1011
00:51:12,653 --> 00:51:15,247
You had phanal? Oh, my
God, I'm so good at that!
1012
00:51:15,322 --> 00:51:16,448
Can I work for you guys?
1013
00:51:16,532 --> 00:51:17,704
No! It's girls only.
1014
00:51:17,705 --> 00:51:19,247
No.
1015
00:51:19,743 --> 00:51:22,121
This stinks.
No fair.
1016
00:51:22,204 --> 00:51:24,923
I could be the unicorn
this time if you want.
1017
00:51:24,999 --> 00:51:27,718
Actually, I was
thinking since we both...
1018
00:51:27,793 --> 00:51:31,718
Hey, sorry I wasn't here
for your call at 10:00,
1019
00:51:31,797 --> 00:51:33,891
but I had to get
out of this apartment.
1020
00:51:34,341 --> 00:51:36,309
You know, it's okay.
1021
00:51:36,385 --> 00:51:39,810
I was thinkin'
maybe we could meet up?
1022
00:51:40,848 --> 00:51:42,145
In person?
1023
00:51:43,559 --> 00:51:44,651
What?
1024
00:51:44,727 --> 00:51:47,947
Well, we haven't had
phone sex in a week
1025
00:51:48,022 --> 00:51:50,116
and we still talk every day.
1026
00:51:50,190 --> 00:51:53,615
And I loved your essay
1027
00:51:53,694 --> 00:51:55,412
and you made it
through my short film.
1028
00:51:56,071 --> 00:51:57,869
It's kind of like
we're already dating,
1029
00:51:57,948 --> 00:52:01,873
so I thought maybe we could meet up?
Like Friday?
1030
00:52:04,830 --> 00:52:06,127
Hello?
1031
00:52:08,375 --> 00:52:10,798
I fucked this up.
I'm sorry.
1032
00:52:10,878 --> 00:52:11,970
Okay, let's do it.
1033
00:52:12,046 --> 00:52:13,138
Really?
1034
00:52:13,839 --> 00:52:15,011
You don't have to.
1035
00:52:15,090 --> 00:52:18,185
No. No, I want to.
1036
00:52:18,260 --> 00:52:20,012
I do, I really want to.
1037
00:52:20,596 --> 00:52:23,520
Shaquanda, I can't
wait to meet you.
1038
00:52:24,183 --> 00:52:25,435
Oh, yeah.
1039
00:52:26,060 --> 00:52:27,277
Urn...
1040
00:52:27,353 --> 00:52:30,573
Actually my name is Katie.
1041
00:52:30,648 --> 00:52:32,275
Hello.
1042
00:52:33,233 --> 00:52:34,450
Lauren?
1043
00:52:35,819 --> 00:52:37,571
Lauren? Lauren?
1044
00:52:39,573 --> 00:52:41,041
Hey. What?
1045
00:52:44,078 --> 00:52:45,295
What were you doing in there?
1046
00:52:45,412 --> 00:52:46,664
I was working. What?
1047
00:52:48,415 --> 00:52:50,133
Did you just have phone sex?
1048
00:52:50,250 --> 00:52:52,503
Do we not run a phone sex line?
1049
00:52:52,586 --> 00:52:55,089
Well, yeah, but...
1050
00:52:56,382 --> 00:52:59,181
You slut! You just put
your fingers in your puss!
1051
00:52:59,927 --> 00:53:01,019
Ew! No!
1052
00:53:01,095 --> 00:53:03,848
You know that a little pony
dies every time you do that.
1053
00:53:03,931 --> 00:53:05,774
Did you wash your hands?
1054
00:53:06,684 --> 00:53:08,231
Maybe I didn't!
Ew!
1055
00:53:08,769 --> 00:53:09,986
Whatever.
You must do it all the time.
1056
00:53:10,104 --> 00:53:11,321
Ew. No.
1057
00:53:12,189 --> 00:53:14,191
You're not that
good of an actress.
1058
00:53:14,274 --> 00:53:15,446
Anyways...
1059
00:53:15,943 --> 00:53:17,195
Um...
1060
00:53:17,611 --> 00:53:20,706
10:00 Sean lives in Brooklyn. That
is not just a billing address.
1061
00:53:20,781 --> 00:53:25,127
And now we have
a date on Friday night.
1062
00:53:25,703 --> 00:53:27,296
So.
1063
00:53:27,371 --> 00:53:28,623
No.
1064
00:53:28,789 --> 00:53:30,041
Why not?
1065
00:53:30,124 --> 00:53:32,126
I don't know, 'cause
he's probably a rapist.
1066
00:53:32,209 --> 00:53:36,385
Oh, please! Don't judge him. You
and I are the ones on the phone.
1067
00:53:37,089 --> 00:53:38,306
Please?
1068
00:53:38,924 --> 00:53:42,303
I haven't been on
a date in forever.
1069
00:53:42,386 --> 00:53:44,935
Now I've had a taste
of the outside world!
1070
00:53:45,013 --> 00:53:47,266
I want more!
1071
00:53:47,349 --> 00:53:50,193
It's just gonna be
a cool bar in Brooklyn.
1072
00:53:50,269 --> 00:53:52,772
I'll come home, I promise.
1073
00:53:53,897 --> 00:53:56,696
Fine. But you
play by my rules.
1074
00:53:56,984 --> 00:53:58,657
What are your rules?
1075
00:53:59,653 --> 00:54:01,326
You'll see on Friday,
won't you?
1076
00:54:01,989 --> 00:54:03,582
Is that a new shower head?
1077
00:54:04,241 --> 00:54:05,367
Yeah.
1078
00:54:06,160 --> 00:54:08,754
It pulsates. On my body.
1079
00:54:10,080 --> 00:54:11,673
Cute dance.
1080
00:54:11,749 --> 00:54:13,342
Okay. That's good.
1081
00:54:14,126 --> 00:54:16,174
I, literally, never wanna
see that dance ever again.
1082
00:54:16,253 --> 00:54:18,426
Oh! You just blinded me
with that dance.
1083
00:54:18,505 --> 00:54:19,722
I am now blinded.
1084
00:54:37,566 --> 00:54:39,443
These are the rules.
1085
00:54:39,526 --> 00:54:41,199
Step one, put these on.
1086
00:54:41,612 --> 00:54:42,704
Way too small for me.
1087
00:54:42,821 --> 00:54:43,868
That's the point, okay?
1088
00:54:43,947 --> 00:54:45,790
10:00 will never be
able to get in these.
1089
00:54:45,866 --> 00:54:48,335
It is rape-prevention
wear at its best.
1090
00:54:48,410 --> 00:54:50,412
Oh, for Christ's sake!
1091
00:54:50,496 --> 00:54:52,043
Okay, step two.
1092
00:54:53,874 --> 00:54:54,875
Bug spray.
1093
00:54:55,042 --> 00:54:56,043
What?
1094
00:54:56,126 --> 00:54:57,878
I didn't know where to buy
mace and I just figured
1095
00:54:57,961 --> 00:55:00,589
it'll do the same thing when
you spray him in the face.
1096
00:55:00,672 --> 00:55:02,845
What the hell kind of purse
would that even fit in?
1097
00:55:02,925 --> 00:55:05,178
You can borrow my tote.
1098
00:55:05,260 --> 00:55:07,638
I've already filled it
with some other stuff.
1099
00:55:08,388 --> 00:55:11,062
What, no canned goods
for my survival?
1100
00:55:12,267 --> 00:55:16,568
All right, I'll take it. Hell,
throw it in my new tote bag!
1101
00:55:19,233 --> 00:55:23,363
I am ready to
survive date rape!
1102
00:55:23,529 --> 00:55:24,906
Ta-da!
1103
00:55:28,367 --> 00:55:31,211
Can I please get
one drink? Please?
1104
00:55:31,286 --> 00:55:33,835
My blood alcohol
level's dangerously low.
1105
00:55:33,914 --> 00:55:35,632
No, you're leaving.
1106
00:55:35,707 --> 00:55:37,505
Don't make me go. I don't wanna
go back to that apartment.
1107
00:55:37,584 --> 00:55:38,836
I'm outside.
Guys!
1108
00:55:38,919 --> 00:55:40,171
Is that him?
Is that him?
1109
00:55:40,254 --> 00:55:41,255
He looks like
T.T. Barber.
1110
00:55:41,338 --> 00:55:44,091
All right, I need you both to,
like, bring it down a notch.
1111
00:55:44,216 --> 00:55:46,344
All right? I will
know him when I see him.
1112
00:55:46,426 --> 00:55:47,848
Is that him?
1113
00:55:47,928 --> 00:55:51,478
Look at that lumberjack.
A lot of bears here.
1114
00:55:51,557 --> 00:55:52,774
You like a bear.
I like a bear.
1115
00:55:55,102 --> 00:55:56,649
Katie?
1116
00:55:57,813 --> 00:55:58,939
Yes.
1117
00:56:00,107 --> 00:56:01,359
Hi.
Hi.
1118
00:56:03,151 --> 00:56:06,200
Wow! You are really pretty.
1119
00:56:06,780 --> 00:56:09,329
And you are really pretty, too.
1120
00:56:10,242 --> 00:56:11,960
I'm sorry. I didn't know
you were bringing people.
1121
00:56:12,035 --> 00:56:13,582
That's cool.
1122
00:56:13,704 --> 00:56:15,265
These are just my
overprotective friends
1123
00:56:15,330 --> 00:56:17,799
that are gonna be
leaving in a second.
1124
00:56:17,916 --> 00:56:19,133
I'm Katie's
Lauren. Hello.
1125
00:56:19,209 --> 00:56:20,381
Hi.
1126
00:56:20,460 --> 00:56:21,803
What's up, man? Jesse Lawson.
Hey.
1127
00:56:21,879 --> 00:56:22,880
How are you doing?
Good.
1128
00:56:22,963 --> 00:56:25,557
You like comedy?
Do you like to laugh?
1129
00:56:26,008 --> 00:56:28,102
Check it out.
You're welcome to come.
1130
00:56:28,176 --> 00:56:30,520
It's a $10 cover.
Two drink minimum.
1131
00:56:30,596 --> 00:56:31,597
Great.
Yeah.
1132
00:56:31,680 --> 00:56:32,897
Okay.
Awesome.
1133
00:56:32,973 --> 00:56:35,067
Okay, good.
I'm good, guys.
1134
00:56:35,142 --> 00:56:37,065
My word.
Nice to meet you.
1135
00:56:37,144 --> 00:56:39,112
Nice meeting you.
Bye.
1136
00:56:39,813 --> 00:56:40,985
I'm just gonna say this.
1137
00:56:41,064 --> 00:56:42,486
I do not think
it's weird at all
1138
00:56:42,566 --> 00:56:43,943
that you guys met
on a phone sex line.
1139
00:56:44,026 --> 00:56:46,267
I don't think it's weird.
'Cause, you know what? Fuck it.
1140
00:56:46,278 --> 00:56:47,798
- Life is weird, right?
- Let's go.
1141
00:56:47,821 --> 00:56:49,038
No. I was in
the shower this morning
1142
00:56:49,114 --> 00:56:50,115
and have you ever
thought about hair?
1143
00:56:50,198 --> 00:56:51,575
Think about human hair.
Let's go.
1144
00:56:51,658 --> 00:56:52,750
Some's curly, some's...
It's weird.
1145
00:56:52,868 --> 00:56:53,960
Bye.
1146
00:56:54,036 --> 00:56:55,709
Don't worry about it.
All right.
1147
00:56:55,787 --> 00:56:56,834
Sorry. Sweet.
1148
00:56:56,914 --> 00:56:57,915
Yes.
1149
00:56:57,998 --> 00:56:59,625
Sweet as can be.
And very funny.
1150
00:56:59,708 --> 00:57:02,712
Yeah. Well, he's a
comedian, you know, so.
1151
00:57:04,171 --> 00:57:07,175
Nice to finally meet you.
1152
00:57:20,020 --> 00:57:21,317
All right. Let's do it.
1153
00:57:21,438 --> 00:57:22,735
Ready. Okay.
1154
00:57:22,814 --> 00:57:24,441
Cheers.
Cheers.
1155
00:57:27,152 --> 00:57:30,622
You're right. This is so much more
comfortable than being at the bar.
1156
00:57:30,697 --> 00:57:32,074
Can I open my eyes now?
No.
1157
00:57:32,157 --> 00:57:34,125
You cannot look at me
and I cannot look at you.
1158
00:57:34,201 --> 00:57:36,920
It's easier this way.
Trust me.
1159
00:57:39,748 --> 00:57:43,719
You know, I approached two other
girls before I found you.
1160
00:57:43,835 --> 00:57:46,714
I met a Christina and a Lily.
1161
00:57:48,298 --> 00:57:49,424
No, you didn't.
1162
00:57:49,508 --> 00:57:51,510
I saw you walk in and you
walked right towards me.
1163
00:57:51,593 --> 00:57:54,642
No, I know, you're right.
I knew it was you.
1164
00:57:55,847 --> 00:57:57,099
You're cute.
1165
00:57:57,182 --> 00:57:59,310
You better not be peeking.
1166
00:57:59,393 --> 00:58:00,610
I'm not.
1167
00:58:02,604 --> 00:58:05,027
Let's open our
eyes anyway, okay?
1168
00:58:05,524 --> 00:58:06,946
Okay.
Okay.
1169
00:58:07,025 --> 00:58:08,151
Count of three.
1170
00:58:08,235 --> 00:58:12,285
One, two, three.
1171
00:58:25,043 --> 00:58:26,545
Put it anywhere.
1172
00:58:26,628 --> 00:58:27,629
Lauren!
1173
00:58:27,754 --> 00:58:29,222
Put it anywhere.
1174
00:58:29,297 --> 00:58:31,140
You're home!
How was it?
1175
00:58:31,758 --> 00:58:33,260
It was great!
1176
00:58:33,802 --> 00:58:35,054
Did you smoke that whole joint?
1177
00:58:35,137 --> 00:58:36,184
Uh-huh.
1178
00:58:36,263 --> 00:58:37,435
Tell me about your date.
1179
00:58:38,932 --> 00:58:40,775
It was amazing.
1180
00:58:40,851 --> 00:58:45,448
It was, like, the best
date I have ever been on.
1181
00:58:45,522 --> 00:58:47,320
It was never awkward.
1182
00:58:47,399 --> 00:58:51,029
And then we started kissing,
which, by the way, was just...
1183
00:58:51,111 --> 00:58:52,454
He was so good.
1184
00:58:53,864 --> 00:58:55,286
And then...
1185
00:58:55,407 --> 00:58:56,784
What? Did he get
in my Spanx?
1186
00:58:57,284 --> 00:58:58,376
No.
1187
00:59:00,328 --> 00:59:01,875
What?
1188
00:59:01,955 --> 00:59:06,005
Well, I got my period
when I was 12
1189
00:59:06,084 --> 00:59:07,836
and I wasn't close with my mom,
1190
00:59:07,919 --> 00:59:10,217
so I called my older,
cooler cousin Wendy
1191
00:59:10,297 --> 00:59:11,674
and I went over to her house.
1192
00:59:11,757 --> 00:59:14,476
I bike ride-ed over and she
brought me into the bathroom
1193
00:59:14,551 --> 00:59:16,895
to do the whole tampon tutorial,
you know what I mean?
1194
00:59:16,970 --> 00:59:20,520
And like we're standing
there, legs open, flaps open.
1195
00:59:20,599 --> 00:59:21,816
Are you with me?
1196
00:59:21,892 --> 00:59:23,565
Mmm-hmm. I'm just stoned.
Okay.
1197
00:59:23,643 --> 00:59:26,362
And jamming it up there
and I'm trying to make it fit
1198
00:59:26,438 --> 00:59:28,907
and there's blood everywhere
1199
00:59:28,982 --> 00:59:31,986
and it just looks like
this horrible murder scene
1200
00:59:32,069 --> 00:59:35,573
and I look over and
that's when I see it.
1201
00:59:37,741 --> 00:59:38,958
A wart.
1202
00:59:39,826 --> 00:59:41,419
You had genital warts at 12?
1203
00:59:41,495 --> 00:59:44,590
Not on me!
On Wendy's left labia!
1204
00:59:44,664 --> 00:59:46,086
And she saw me see it.
1205
00:59:46,166 --> 00:59:49,340
Obviously I was horrified, and
that's when she said it to me,
1206
00:59:49,419 --> 00:59:53,094
"If you don't want one of these,
don't have sex in high school."
1207
00:59:53,173 --> 00:59:57,098
"After that, just make sure you're
in love with whoever it is."
1208
00:59:59,137 --> 01:00:01,731
And no one was
ever in love with me.
1209
01:00:09,314 --> 01:00:10,782
I'm a virgin.
1210
01:00:15,862 --> 01:00:17,864
Oh, no, no, no.
1211
01:00:17,948 --> 01:00:20,497
No, that can't be true.
1212
01:00:20,575 --> 01:00:22,122
Yes, it is.
1213
01:00:23,120 --> 01:00:25,293
I've never even
had a boyfriend.
1214
01:00:25,372 --> 01:00:28,296
But I went to college with you.
1215
01:00:28,375 --> 01:00:30,048
I thought you
were the school slut.
1216
01:00:30,127 --> 01:00:33,631
Well, that's what everyone thought.
But I wasn't doing any of it.
1217
01:00:33,713 --> 01:00:36,262
I was just
talking a lot of shit.
1218
01:00:36,341 --> 01:00:40,721
And then I just got so scared around
guys, I would just like clam up.
1219
01:00:43,557 --> 01:00:44,934
You just...
1220
01:00:45,600 --> 01:00:46,726
All the time?
1221
01:00:49,229 --> 01:00:50,776
You don't ever?
1222
01:00:54,943 --> 01:00:58,868
Just stop looking at me!
I'm just all talk, literally!
1223
01:01:00,365 --> 01:01:01,457
Okay.
1224
01:01:02,617 --> 01:01:05,621
Tina Fey lost her
virginity at, like, 27.
1225
01:01:05,704 --> 01:01:08,423
Okay? And she's
pretty cool, I think.
1226
01:01:09,249 --> 01:01:12,719
And you are gonna be
mind-blowing at sex.
1227
01:01:12,794 --> 01:01:15,468
I mean, if your body
can keep up with your mouth,
1228
01:01:15,547 --> 01:01:18,391
you are gonna make some guy's
head just pop right off his neck.
1229
01:01:19,301 --> 01:01:21,770
And being in love
when you do it?
1230
01:01:21,845 --> 01:01:23,267
Only gonna make it better.
1231
01:01:25,056 --> 01:01:26,603
I have an idea.
1232
01:01:32,856 --> 01:01:34,153
Bum-bada-bum!
1233
01:01:34,566 --> 01:01:37,570
These are yours.
Use them.
1234
01:01:38,445 --> 01:01:40,948
That way,
when you're ready for Sean,
1235
01:01:41,031 --> 01:01:44,626
or whoever else is lucky enough
to fall in love with you,
1236
01:01:45,327 --> 01:01:47,170
you'll be ready.
1237
01:01:49,372 --> 01:01:50,919
Okay.
1238
01:01:53,460 --> 01:01:54,962
Maybe not Earl.
1239
01:01:58,798 --> 01:02:00,926
How about this one? Kevin.
1240
01:02:05,222 --> 01:02:06,644
Thanks, Ren.
1241
01:02:24,908 --> 01:02:27,912
1-900-MMM-HMMM.
1242
01:02:27,994 --> 01:02:32,420
That's 1-900-M-M-M-H-M-M-M.
1243
01:02:33,500 --> 01:02:34,752
And cut!
1244
01:02:34,834 --> 01:02:36,177
Yeah, it's still
feeling a little stiff.
1245
01:02:36,253 --> 01:02:37,596
Really?
1246
01:02:37,671 --> 01:02:40,299
Well, no, I mean, I'd call.
I mean, I already did call.
1247
01:02:40,382 --> 01:02:41,804
Maybe you guys
should have a drink.
1248
01:02:41,925 --> 01:02:43,347
It doesn't take much, friend.
1249
01:02:43,426 --> 01:02:45,428
Can you get me
a glass of wine, please?
1250
01:02:45,512 --> 01:02:47,310
Will you get me a glass
of wine, please, too?
1251
01:02:47,389 --> 01:02:50,814
Yeah, fine. I just think a little
bit more like, "Are you alone?"
1252
01:02:50,892 --> 01:02:53,111
Well, we'll talk about it. I just
felt like you weren't in the tub.
1253
01:02:53,186 --> 01:02:54,859
All right.
We'll do better!
1254
01:02:54,980 --> 01:02:56,607
Thank you.
Thank you!
1255
01:02:56,690 --> 01:02:57,942
I just saw your nipple!
1256
01:03:09,995 --> 01:03:12,043
I can never find
my keys in this bag.
1257
01:03:12,122 --> 01:03:15,626
I don't know why you don't
use that zipper compartment.
1258
01:03:17,210 --> 01:03:19,429
Oh, my God.
It's Laxton Press!
1259
01:03:20,839 --> 01:03:24,469
Well, I'm not gonna get it. I'm never
talking to that bitch ever again.
1260
01:03:24,551 --> 01:03:26,679
No, get it!
I have an idea.
1261
01:03:27,304 --> 01:03:28,396
Get it!
1262
01:03:28,471 --> 01:03:30,724
Hello? This is
Lauren Powell.
1263
01:03:36,187 --> 01:03:40,863
You are a vision in
my dress! My God!
1264
01:03:41,484 --> 01:03:44,112
I want to go with you
to the interview.
1265
01:03:44,195 --> 01:03:46,994
I can't believe I'm gonna tell
Laxton Press to shove it.
1266
01:03:47,073 --> 01:03:48,040
Are you sure I'm
doing the right thing?
1267
01:03:48,116 --> 01:03:49,163
Yes!
1268
01:03:49,242 --> 01:03:51,586
You have nothing to lose. It's not
like you're gonna work there.
1269
01:03:51,661 --> 01:03:53,902
Go in there and tell her what
a good phone fucker you are
1270
01:03:53,913 --> 01:03:55,256
and then come home to me
and we can celebrate
1271
01:03:55,332 --> 01:03:56,709
'cause it's commercial night!
1272
01:03:58,585 --> 01:03:59,962
I have something I wanna say.
1273
01:04:00,045 --> 01:04:01,467
Have you been
masturbating again?
1274
01:04:01,546 --> 01:04:02,889
Because you don't have
to tell me every time.
1275
01:04:02,964 --> 01:04:05,217
No, no, no, no.
It's not that.
1276
01:04:06,634 --> 01:04:08,762
I love you.
1277
01:04:18,605 --> 01:04:20,699
Should we hug or something?
1278
01:04:23,318 --> 01:04:24,319
Yeah.
1279
01:04:24,402 --> 01:04:25,449
Okay!
1280
01:04:32,452 --> 01:04:33,578
Okay.
1281
01:04:34,496 --> 01:04:37,215
Go have fun at
your bogus interview.
1282
01:04:37,290 --> 01:04:41,045
Make that lady feel sorry she never
hired you in the first place.
1283
01:04:41,294 --> 01:04:42,341
Hmm.
1284
01:04:43,588 --> 01:04:44,805
You're different.
1285
01:04:46,633 --> 01:04:48,055
What's going on here?
1286
01:04:49,094 --> 01:04:50,220
Oh!
1287
01:04:50,303 --> 01:04:51,555
Oh.
1288
01:04:51,638 --> 01:04:53,390
I've been running
a phone sex line.
1289
01:04:53,473 --> 01:04:57,068
You? Yeah,
that's funny.
1290
01:04:59,479 --> 01:05:00,947
For reals?
1291
01:05:01,022 --> 01:05:02,399
Is it for charity?
1292
01:05:03,817 --> 01:05:05,034
Hi, Jess.
1293
01:05:05,151 --> 01:05:06,403
Hi, Katie!
1294
01:05:06,486 --> 01:05:07,487
I'm here with Zelda.
1295
01:05:07,570 --> 01:05:10,369
Doesn't she look a lot like
a young Carol Channing?
1296
01:05:10,448 --> 01:05:11,700
She's so cute.
1297
01:05:11,783 --> 01:05:13,626
Hey, who's ready to put some of
1298
01:05:13,701 --> 01:05:15,544
my famous bean dip
in their mouths
1299
01:05:15,620 --> 01:05:18,624
while watching the first cut
of our phone sex commercial?
1300
01:05:18,706 --> 01:05:20,253
I am! I am!
1301
01:05:20,375 --> 01:05:21,797
Ooh-ooh!
1302
01:05:21,876 --> 01:05:23,378
Hey, is Lauren back yet?
1303
01:05:23,461 --> 01:05:25,714
From her power play
interview? No, not yet.
1304
01:05:25,797 --> 01:05:28,095
I have to say, I think
what you guys are doing
1305
01:05:28,216 --> 01:05:30,514
is so weird and
Single White Female-y,
1306
01:05:30,635 --> 01:05:35,357
but then again, I'm stroking
Zelda like I'm a Bond villain.
1307
01:05:35,432 --> 01:05:36,900
So, who am I to
talk about weird?
1308
01:05:36,975 --> 01:05:38,272
Did you get the DVD?
1309
01:05:38,351 --> 01:05:39,648
Yes,
it's already in the player.
1310
01:05:39,727 --> 01:05:43,948
Wait, somebody's here. I got to go.
I can't wait to see you. Bye!
1311
01:05:44,315 --> 01:05:45,737
We're back!
Hey.
1312
01:05:48,736 --> 01:05:49,783
Hi.
1313
01:05:50,697 --> 01:05:52,415
Can we come in?
1314
01:05:52,532 --> 01:05:54,205
Yes, yes, please.
Come on in.
1315
01:05:54,284 --> 01:05:55,285
Nice to see you.
1316
01:05:55,368 --> 01:05:56,369
Nice to see you!
1317
01:05:56,453 --> 01:05:57,454
Hey, you.
1318
01:05:57,537 --> 01:05:58,538
And you!
1319
01:05:58,872 --> 01:06:00,966
We could really use
a strong female editor
1320
01:06:01,082 --> 01:06:03,176
that wants to grow
with our company.
1321
01:06:03,251 --> 01:06:07,472
Just somebody like you that
understands a good business model.
1322
01:06:07,547 --> 01:06:10,801
I know you've had a fun
summer doing phone sex.
1323
01:06:10,884 --> 01:06:12,886
It's a phase.
I love a good phase.
1324
01:06:12,969 --> 01:06:13,970
I'm a hasbian.
1325
01:06:14,053 --> 01:06:16,556
I made love to a woman with
crooked bangs for six months.
1326
01:06:16,639 --> 01:06:18,232
Are you following me
back to reality?
1327
01:06:19,225 --> 01:06:20,477
'Cause what happens?
1328
01:06:20,560 --> 01:06:23,063
What happens when you're
crossing Seventh Avenue,
1329
01:06:23,146 --> 01:06:25,148
holding that hot soy latte,
1330
01:06:25,231 --> 01:06:29,407
and a cab comes out of nowhere
and just takes you out?
1331
01:06:30,195 --> 01:06:32,414
And you don't have benefits?
1332
01:06:39,370 --> 01:06:43,000
Are you really gonna be a phone sex
operator the rest of your life?
1333
01:06:43,458 --> 01:06:45,256
Take the job, Lauren.
1334
01:06:49,047 --> 01:06:50,845
This place just looks great.
1335
01:06:50,924 --> 01:06:53,518
The balloons are
really festive.
1336
01:06:53,593 --> 01:06:54,970
Thank you.
1337
01:06:55,094 --> 01:06:56,516
Hard not to focus on this here.
1338
01:06:56,596 --> 01:06:57,848
This...
1339
01:06:58,640 --> 01:07:02,440
What? What are you talking about?
Just kidding.
1340
01:07:02,519 --> 01:07:03,691
I know.
1341
01:07:03,770 --> 01:07:07,946
We're having a bachelorette
party here tonight
1342
01:07:08,024 --> 01:07:11,699
and I had 'em and I thought, "Hell,
I'll throw 'em on the table."
1343
01:07:11,778 --> 01:07:13,576
Titty fuck me!
1344
01:07:13,655 --> 01:07:15,032
Stoop sale.
1345
01:07:16,032 --> 01:07:17,625
You get the damnedest
things there.
1346
01:07:18,660 --> 01:07:20,879
You guys, I just wanna tell you
1347
01:07:20,954 --> 01:07:24,834
Lauren and I have been having
such an amazing summer.
1348
01:07:24,916 --> 01:07:26,884
I honestly feel
like she is my sister.
1349
01:07:26,960 --> 01:07:31,136
Which, cha-ching,
makes you guys my parents!
1350
01:07:31,214 --> 01:07:33,717
I always wanted normal parents.
1351
01:07:33,800 --> 01:07:34,972
Hi.
1352
01:07:38,972 --> 01:07:40,394
What time was her appointment?
1353
01:07:40,515 --> 01:07:41,937
2:00.
It was at 2:00.
1354
01:07:42,016 --> 01:07:44,895
Man, I cannot wait to
hear about that, huh?
1355
01:07:44,978 --> 01:07:46,651
Hi. Another surprise visit?
1356
01:07:46,771 --> 01:07:48,398
There's my girl!
1357
01:07:49,732 --> 01:07:52,906
Honey, my goodness, what
are you wearing, sweetie?
1358
01:07:52,986 --> 01:07:54,238
I can see your bra.
1359
01:07:54,320 --> 01:07:56,414
Never mind. Sweetheart,
you get the job?
1360
01:07:56,489 --> 01:07:57,490
How was it?
1361
01:07:57,615 --> 01:07:58,582
It was really good.
1362
01:07:58,658 --> 01:08:00,285
It was a great interview.
1363
01:08:00,368 --> 01:08:02,496
They actually offered me
the job right on the spot.
1364
01:08:03,538 --> 01:08:06,587
I know, it has insurance
and a 401 plan.
1365
01:08:06,666 --> 01:08:09,340
The position is really,
really fantastic.
1366
01:08:10,503 --> 01:08:12,346
So...
1367
01:08:13,631 --> 01:08:15,474
So I took it.
1368
01:08:15,550 --> 01:08:17,552
This is great news!
We have to celebrate!
1369
01:08:19,345 --> 01:08:20,597
Are you serious?
1370
01:08:20,722 --> 01:08:22,019
Honey, I am so proud.
1371
01:08:22,098 --> 01:08:23,645
Why don't you change
and we'll all go
1372
01:08:23,725 --> 01:08:25,227
have a big lunch at Sarabeth's.
1373
01:08:25,310 --> 01:08:26,607
Put on something that fits
1374
01:08:26,686 --> 01:08:29,126
'cause you know we always run
into Daddy's work friends there.
1375
01:08:30,023 --> 01:08:32,446
Katie, why don't you
come to my room with me
1376
01:08:32,525 --> 01:08:34,045
and you can help me
pick out an outfit,
1377
01:08:34,152 --> 01:08:35,699
and I'll tell you
more about the job.
1378
01:08:36,154 --> 01:08:38,407
I'm sure you'll be
fine on your own.
1379
01:08:39,741 --> 01:08:40,913
Okay.
1380
01:08:52,712 --> 01:08:54,385
Mom, Dad.
1381
01:08:55,548 --> 01:08:58,176
I would love to tell you more
about our special summer
1382
01:08:58,259 --> 01:09:01,559
because Lauren has been so shy
about it, but at our party tonight
1383
01:09:01,638 --> 01:09:03,640
we were gonna have a screening
of something we made
1384
01:09:03,723 --> 01:09:05,350
and I would love to
share it with you. Please.
1385
01:09:05,433 --> 01:09:07,060
Sure.
Come with me, will you?
1386
01:09:07,143 --> 01:09:09,396
Oh! So exciting!
I love an audience.
1387
01:09:12,982 --> 01:09:14,108
Oh, hi.
1388
01:09:15,943 --> 01:09:17,820
It's nice to see you.
1389
01:09:19,405 --> 01:09:23,410
Do you ever wonder why
you're alone in the tub?
1390
01:09:24,827 --> 01:09:27,205
It's so lonely when you're
in the tub alone, isn't it?
1391
01:09:28,748 --> 01:09:30,716
You don't have to
be so lonely any more.
1392
01:09:31,876 --> 01:09:33,093
If you have one of these.
1393
01:09:34,253 --> 01:09:36,597
You can just give me a call.
1394
01:09:43,262 --> 01:09:45,936
The bubbles were all
her idea, by the way.
1395
01:09:46,015 --> 01:09:49,485
I mean, she's a smart
cookie, that one.
1396
01:09:49,560 --> 01:09:50,607
I'm gonna be sick.
1397
01:09:50,687 --> 01:09:51,688
What the hell is
wrong with you?
1398
01:09:51,771 --> 01:09:53,372
What? I was just
catching your parents up
1399
01:09:53,439 --> 01:09:55,032
on what a beautiful
summer we've had.
1400
01:09:55,108 --> 01:09:57,281
While we're at it, should I tell
them about how Morty fired you?
1401
01:09:57,360 --> 01:10:00,534
Or do you wanna tell them? Oops!
Cat's out of the bag, sorry.
1402
01:10:02,198 --> 01:10:04,417
I should have never
moved in with you.
1403
01:10:04,492 --> 01:10:06,335
If you'll excuse me,
I have an errand to run.
1404
01:10:09,956 --> 01:10:11,924
It's dirty money.
1405
01:10:13,626 --> 01:10:17,381
Okay. I know that you're really
more of a business manager
1406
01:10:17,463 --> 01:10:20,763
and you're not actually
listening to guys...
1407
01:10:50,705 --> 01:10:52,378
I know you're mad.
1408
01:10:53,624 --> 01:10:57,219
Just because you don't give
a shit about your parents
1409
01:10:57,295 --> 01:11:00,344
doesn't mean
I don't care about mine.
1410
01:11:00,965 --> 01:11:02,182
I know.
1411
01:11:04,802 --> 01:11:07,271
And I'm sorry. Okay?
1412
01:11:07,346 --> 01:11:10,850
No. No, it is not okay!
1413
01:11:12,018 --> 01:11:13,816
You lied to me!
1414
01:11:13,895 --> 01:11:17,069
I did not know that
I was gonna take that job.
1415
01:11:17,148 --> 01:11:20,698
And it's not even that big of a deal.
I can still help out here.
1416
01:11:20,777 --> 01:11:22,700
Well, don't do me any favors.
1417
01:11:22,779 --> 01:11:25,500
If you were my real friend, you would
understand why I took that job.
1418
01:11:25,531 --> 01:11:27,659
Excuse me! Real friend?
1419
01:11:27,742 --> 01:11:30,040
I am not the one that
lied to my partner today.
1420
01:11:30,119 --> 01:11:34,420
That's hilarious, because last time I
checked, you lied about being a whore.
1421
01:11:34,499 --> 01:11:36,501
I go off and I do
one thing by myself
1422
01:11:36,584 --> 01:11:39,758
and you prove to be
some insecure virgin.
1423
01:11:47,178 --> 01:11:51,228
You make me feel like I will
never be good enough for you.
1424
01:11:52,850 --> 01:11:56,525
So why don't you and your
shit get out of my apartment?
1425
01:12:02,026 --> 01:12:04,074
This is our apartment.
1426
01:12:06,405 --> 01:12:08,908
I told you I loved you
this morning.
1427
01:12:10,368 --> 01:12:13,087
And you were too
scared to say it back.
1428
01:12:14,455 --> 01:12:16,253
I wasn't too scared.
1429
01:12:17,917 --> 01:12:20,215
I just don't love you.
1430
01:12:23,589 --> 01:12:25,557
Who wants some bean dip?
1431
01:12:33,307 --> 01:12:34,809
Oh, yeah, that feels good.
1432
01:12:38,938 --> 01:12:39,985
Oh, yeah.
1433
01:12:40,648 --> 01:12:43,572
Yeah, I want you to
finger-bang me in the shower.
1434
01:12:45,236 --> 01:12:46,328
Uh...
1435
01:12:46,404 --> 01:12:49,078
Why don't you just flip me
over and do me from behind?
1436
01:12:49,156 --> 01:12:50,624
Are you even listening?
1437
01:12:50,700 --> 01:12:52,327
No, I do like it.
1438
01:12:53,202 --> 01:12:54,795
It's so depressing.
1439
01:12:54,871 --> 01:12:57,715
You know, I call you,
I get one phone call a week.
1440
01:12:57,790 --> 01:12:59,042
This is so fucking depressing.
1441
01:12:59,125 --> 01:13:03,050
This is more depressing than the
macaroni necklace that my kid sends me.
1442
01:13:03,129 --> 01:13:05,169
What the shit am I supposed
to do with that in here?
1443
01:13:05,590 --> 01:13:07,763
Just tell me what you want.
1444
01:13:08,551 --> 01:13:11,270
Well, what I want, Sandy,
1445
01:13:11,345 --> 01:13:13,848
is for you to get your head
in the fucking game!
1446
01:13:13,931 --> 01:13:15,274
That's what I want!
1447
01:13:15,349 --> 01:13:18,649
What I want is for you to start
taking Discover card again.
1448
01:13:18,728 --> 01:13:20,651
That's the one we use in here.
1449
01:13:20,730 --> 01:13:23,609
What I want is for you
to keep doing two on ones.
1450
01:13:23,691 --> 01:13:27,412
What I want is to not have to
make a dildo out of soap, okay?
1451
01:13:27,486 --> 01:13:28,612
It hurts!
1452
01:13:28,696 --> 01:13:30,494
It takes a long time.
1453
01:13:30,781 --> 01:13:32,829
But you know that's not
what we all get.
1454
01:13:32,909 --> 01:13:34,286
We don't all get that.
1455
01:13:34,452 --> 01:13:38,127
But now what I'm gonna have to
do, what I didn't want to do,
1456
01:13:38,497 --> 01:13:42,343
is go to your house
and steal your fucking dog,
1457
01:13:42,418 --> 01:13:44,762
and then steal your car.
1458
01:13:44,837 --> 01:13:46,589
And then, when you come
outside to look for your dog,
1459
01:13:46,672 --> 01:13:48,674
you'll say, "Oh, where's my dog?
Where's my dog?"
1460
01:13:48,758 --> 01:13:51,307
Oh, bam! I'm gonna
hit you with my car!
1461
01:13:52,345 --> 01:13:56,191
I'm gonna vehicular manslaughter
you because that is what I do.
1462
01:13:57,099 --> 01:13:58,225
That's what I do.
1463
01:13:58,643 --> 01:14:00,145
I don't even have a car.
1464
01:14:02,772 --> 01:14:04,570
I'll lick your pussy.
1465
01:14:05,858 --> 01:14:09,453
No, you don't wanna do that.
We don't get razors in here.
1466
01:14:09,528 --> 01:14:11,451
Kind of lost the
mood now, anyway.
1467
01:14:22,708 --> 01:14:23,925
Lauren.
1468
01:14:24,377 --> 01:14:27,130
Happy hour.
Ruby Foo's. Sake bombs.
1469
01:14:27,213 --> 01:14:29,557
4:00 to 7:00, half price,
all the apps you can eat.
1470
01:14:29,632 --> 01:14:31,634
Hot Asian guys. Let's go.
1471
01:14:31,717 --> 01:14:34,220
Okay, just give me a minute.
1472
01:14:37,223 --> 01:14:38,315
I have a plan.
1473
01:14:38,391 --> 01:14:39,563
Yeah?
1474
01:14:39,725 --> 01:14:40,942
Yeah. My lease is up soon.
1475
01:14:41,894 --> 01:14:43,487
I could move in here with you.
1476
01:14:43,562 --> 01:14:45,280
Ohh.
1477
01:14:45,356 --> 01:14:47,825
Yeah. No.
We're not there yet.
1478
01:14:49,235 --> 01:14:51,329
But thanks for offering.
1479
01:14:51,404 --> 01:14:55,079
We should probably, like, have
sex before we live together.
1480
01:14:55,157 --> 01:14:57,251
Yes. That's a great idea.
1481
01:14:57,326 --> 01:14:59,829
Not today. But...
1482
01:15:01,122 --> 01:15:02,248
...soon.
1483
01:15:04,583 --> 01:15:06,381
Thank you so much for
letting me stay here.
1484
01:15:06,460 --> 01:15:09,009
I promise, I'm gonna
find a place so soon.
1485
01:15:09,088 --> 01:15:11,511
No, I totally
like having you here.
1486
01:15:12,675 --> 01:15:16,100
I love having my own living space, though.
But, you know.
1487
01:15:16,178 --> 01:15:17,499
God, this Greek yogurt
is so good.
1488
01:15:20,474 --> 01:15:21,475
Who is that?
1489
01:15:21,559 --> 01:15:22,526
I'm gonna take this.
I'll be right back.
1490
01:15:22,601 --> 01:15:24,023
Who is that?
Who is it?
1491
01:15:27,523 --> 01:15:30,618
Oh, girl. Who has
she replaced me with?
1492
01:15:30,693 --> 01:15:33,412
You're never gonna
replace me, are you?
1493
01:15:33,487 --> 01:15:35,831
'Cause I love you.
1494
01:15:42,705 --> 01:15:44,503
Do you have any tens?
1495
01:15:45,416 --> 01:15:47,839
No, I do not.
You must go fish.
1496
01:15:49,670 --> 01:15:51,889
Do you have any sixes?
1497
01:15:53,340 --> 01:15:55,934
Yes! Do you
have any fives?
1498
01:16:00,181 --> 01:16:01,728
This is stupid.
1499
01:16:02,641 --> 01:16:06,111
Stop being such
a girl and call Lauren.
1500
01:16:12,943 --> 01:16:14,035
Let's have sex.
1501
01:16:16,572 --> 01:16:17,573
Come on.
1502
01:16:17,656 --> 01:16:18,657
Okay.
1503
01:16:20,826 --> 01:16:21,998
Oh, wow.
1504
01:16:26,373 --> 01:16:27,465
Now what?
1505
01:16:27,541 --> 01:16:30,636
And the wine and the cheese
and the gelato and...
1506
01:16:30,711 --> 01:16:33,931
Just everything about it was so fresh.
It was vivacious.
1507
01:16:34,006 --> 01:16:37,135
And so, on this one day, I
decided to take a little stroll.
1508
01:16:37,218 --> 01:16:38,936
You know,
I'm feeling high on life.
1509
01:16:39,011 --> 01:16:42,106
You know, the case is going
great, so I walk up this hill
1510
01:16:42,181 --> 01:16:43,854
and I'm walking up,
and all of a sudden
1511
01:16:43,974 --> 01:16:45,647
I see this little
shoe shop in the corner.
1512
01:16:45,726 --> 01:16:49,572
Okay, and I'm walking in and this old
couple, they fall in love with me.
1513
01:16:49,647 --> 01:16:51,615
I mean, they just take me in
like I'm their own.
1514
01:16:51,690 --> 01:16:53,567
The old woman, you know,
she's probably 82,
1515
01:16:53,651 --> 01:16:56,154
she starts making
risotto and it smells...
1516
01:16:56,237 --> 01:16:57,705
You would love it,
it smells so good.
1517
01:16:57,780 --> 01:17:00,078
And the old man, he gets
out this old contraption
1518
01:17:00,157 --> 01:17:01,454
and he starts
measuring my feet.
1519
01:17:01,534 --> 01:17:03,582
And then it starts
raining outside, pouring.
1520
01:17:03,661 --> 01:17:05,129
So I said to the guy,
"Listen, I got to go."
1521
01:17:05,204 --> 01:17:07,753
"You know, thank you. I had a great time.
I got to leave."
1522
01:17:07,832 --> 01:17:10,210
And he grabs my shoe
and he won't let me go.
1523
01:17:10,292 --> 01:17:11,965
And he...
1524
01:17:12,044 --> 01:17:13,387
I'm...
1525
01:17:14,171 --> 01:17:16,799
How's the new job?
How's that?
1526
01:17:16,882 --> 01:17:19,431
It's good. It's really good.
I'm learning...
1527
01:17:19,510 --> 01:17:21,308
That's great. Listen.
1528
01:17:21,720 --> 01:17:24,940
I forgot to tell you. They
are grooming me for partner
1529
01:17:25,015 --> 01:17:28,189
now that I saved
the job in Italy.
1530
01:17:28,269 --> 01:17:32,319
And, you know, I'm kind
of enjoying the job now.
1531
01:17:32,398 --> 01:17:34,321
Kind of a thing,
so that's good.
1532
01:17:44,910 --> 01:17:46,162
You Okay?
1533
01:17:48,164 --> 01:17:49,336
Mmm-hmm.
1534
01:17:55,045 --> 01:17:56,513
Is that okay?
1535
01:17:58,257 --> 01:18:00,635
Sorry, I get a little...
I'm just so nervous.
1536
01:18:00,718 --> 01:18:02,937
It's okay.
It's okay, just...
1537
01:18:03,762 --> 01:18:05,184
Just relax.
1538
01:18:06,015 --> 01:18:08,313
You know what?
I have an idea.
1539
01:18:12,146 --> 01:18:15,241
No, just get it.
I'll only be one second.
1540
01:18:21,572 --> 01:18:22,949
Hello?
1541
01:18:24,617 --> 01:18:25,789
Hello.
1542
01:18:28,787 --> 01:18:30,505
Well, this is silly.
1543
01:18:30,581 --> 01:18:31,673
Mmm-hmm.
1544
01:18:37,338 --> 01:18:38,965
You feel so good.
1545
01:18:42,468 --> 01:18:46,723
I've been wanting to do this since
the first time I heard your voice.
1546
01:18:48,182 --> 01:18:50,105
I've wanted this, too.
1547
01:18:54,313 --> 01:18:57,032
Yeah, after I saved
that case in Italy they thought,
1548
01:18:57,107 --> 01:19:00,486
"Okay, this is a guy we've
got to make something of."
1549
01:19:02,321 --> 01:19:05,450
Look, Lauren, there is a reason
that I asked to see you today.
1550
01:19:05,532 --> 01:19:08,160
And that's because I realized
that I made a mistake.
1551
01:19:09,495 --> 01:19:10,792
I should have never left you.
1552
01:19:11,997 --> 01:19:13,169
You're my person.
1553
01:19:14,500 --> 01:19:15,626
I am?
1554
01:19:16,377 --> 01:19:17,498
I'm gonna shoot you straight.
1555
01:19:17,503 --> 01:19:18,846
When I was in Italy,
1556
01:19:18,921 --> 01:19:22,971
I had a brief yet intense
relationship with a Sicilian woman.
1557
01:19:23,467 --> 01:19:25,936
Okay? And at first,
it was exhilarating.
1558
01:19:26,011 --> 01:19:28,264
The passion was immense.
1559
01:19:28,347 --> 01:19:31,396
But then the fighting
would start, Laur, and...
1560
01:19:31,475 --> 01:19:35,230
And slaps across my face, screaming,
and doors slamming, and...
1561
01:19:35,312 --> 01:19:37,030
It was exhausting.
1562
01:19:37,773 --> 01:19:41,528
And I started to think about
you and what I love about you.
1563
01:19:43,320 --> 01:19:46,039
And you're so simple.
1564
01:19:46,865 --> 01:19:48,287
You know?
1565
01:19:48,826 --> 01:19:51,079
Lauren, I want you
back in my life.
1566
01:19:51,161 --> 01:19:53,710
Back in my apartment. I got a
place on the Upper East Side.
1567
01:19:53,789 --> 01:19:54,836
Come home with me.
1568
01:19:56,166 --> 01:19:59,261
Babe, bring the NuvaRing.
You know? I wanna feel it.
1569
01:20:02,214 --> 01:20:04,467
You're an asshole.
1570
01:20:04,550 --> 01:20:06,177
I'm leaving.
1571
01:20:06,260 --> 01:20:09,104
Wait, no.
Okay, I'm not an asshole.
1572
01:20:09,179 --> 01:20:11,307
Yes, Lauren, I was an asshole.
1573
01:20:11,390 --> 01:20:14,018
But now it's out of my system
and I want you back.
1574
01:20:16,061 --> 01:20:18,439
You know, you've been
calling me for months.
1575
01:20:19,565 --> 01:20:21,988
I made a lot of calls
this summer, Charlie.
1576
01:20:22,067 --> 01:20:26,072
Turns out you were right. We were boring.
And you still are.
1577
01:20:27,531 --> 01:20:29,283
You're not my person.
1578
01:20:29,366 --> 01:20:31,368
You were never my person.
1579
01:20:37,791 --> 01:20:40,715
I think I just came.
1580
01:20:49,511 --> 01:20:51,013
I love Lauren.
1581
01:20:54,266 --> 01:20:56,268
But I'm inside of you.
1582
01:20:57,269 --> 01:20:58,691
I know.
1583
01:20:59,897 --> 01:21:01,865
I think I might love you, too.
1584
01:21:01,940 --> 01:21:06,787
But she would be so
proud of me right now.
1585
01:21:07,446 --> 01:21:10,370
And I just wanna tell her,
but I can't tell her.
1586
01:21:10,449 --> 01:21:13,623
Because I hate her
and she hates me, so.
1587
01:21:15,120 --> 01:21:17,122
I think I love you, too.
1588
01:21:21,794 --> 01:21:23,796
Now call her.
1589
01:21:27,091 --> 01:21:28,263
Do it.
1590
01:21:38,102 --> 01:21:39,604
Hey, it's Lauren.
Sorry I missed your call.
1591
01:21:39,686 --> 01:21:40,812
Leave me a message
and I'll call you back.
1592
01:21:40,979 --> 01:21:42,105
What the fuck?
1593
01:21:42,689 --> 01:21:45,033
Hi, it's Katie.
Leave a message.
1594
01:21:45,484 --> 01:21:46,610
Really?
1595
01:21:46,693 --> 01:21:49,242
Fuck! See?
1596
01:21:58,664 --> 01:22:01,087
It's me.
Please don't hang up.
1597
01:22:01,166 --> 01:22:02,713
I love you.
1598
01:22:02,793 --> 01:22:04,420
I love you!
1599
01:22:04,503 --> 01:22:06,597
And I'm out of breath because
you've been running through my mind
1600
01:22:06,672 --> 01:22:08,219
all day and I'm coming!
1601
01:22:08,298 --> 01:22:10,096
I'm coming!
"I'm Coming! I'm coming!"
1602
01:22:10,175 --> 01:22:11,768
You're coming to me?
1603
01:22:11,844 --> 01:22:13,391
Yes! Yes! Yes!
1604
01:22:13,470 --> 01:22:15,393
Are you close?
I'm so close.
1605
01:22:15,472 --> 01:22:17,440
I'm down the street.
I wanna be with you.
1606
01:22:17,516 --> 01:22:18,893
Please let me come inside.
1607
01:22:18,976 --> 01:22:21,650
I want you to come inside.
1608
01:22:21,728 --> 01:22:24,151
I want you!
I want you so hard!
1609
01:22:25,524 --> 01:22:28,949
Come to me! Come to me!
I love you back!
1610
01:22:29,027 --> 01:22:30,028
I love you, too!
1611
01:22:30,112 --> 01:22:31,113
I think I love you.
1612
01:22:31,196 --> 01:22:32,789
I know I love you, but...
1613
01:22:32,865 --> 01:22:34,913
Okay, I can't stop saying it!
1614
01:22:34,992 --> 01:22:37,620
I'm close!
I'm so close!
1615
01:22:37,703 --> 01:22:40,752
Here I come!
Oh, this feels so good!
1616
01:22:40,831 --> 01:22:42,083
I know! I know!
1617
01:22:42,166 --> 01:22:43,634
I love you.
I love you. I love you.
1618
01:22:43,709 --> 01:22:45,757
Now I can't stop saying it!
1619
01:22:48,255 --> 01:22:49,256
Where are you?
1620
01:22:49,339 --> 01:22:50,340
I'm here!
1621
01:22:53,886 --> 01:22:54,887
I missed you!
1622
01:22:54,970 --> 01:22:55,971
I missed you.
1623
01:22:56,054 --> 01:22:57,727
You're so sweaty!
1624
01:22:58,390 --> 01:23:00,893
I just ran 11 blocks in heels!
1625
01:23:03,437 --> 01:23:05,189
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
1626
01:23:05,272 --> 01:23:06,819
You know I love you.
1627
01:23:06,899 --> 01:23:09,948
I don't know why I didn't say it
that morning and I should have.
1628
01:23:10,027 --> 01:23:12,371
No. I was wrong to take the
job without talking to you.
1629
01:23:12,446 --> 01:23:15,666
Of course you took the job. What
are you gonna do, not take it?
1630
01:23:15,741 --> 01:23:18,870
Who am I to stand in the way
of your dream job?
1631
01:23:20,913 --> 01:23:22,756
Can I come home?
1632
01:23:23,499 --> 01:23:24,591
Obvs.
1633
01:23:25,584 --> 01:23:26,801
But what are you wearing?
1634
01:23:26,877 --> 01:23:29,130
What are you, like the
Gramercy Park flasher now?
1635
01:23:29,213 --> 01:23:30,886
Charlie called me
and I went to see him
1636
01:23:31,006 --> 01:23:32,679
and I thought that
I would wear this
1637
01:23:32,758 --> 01:23:35,181
because I thought
that maybe he would like it.
1638
01:23:36,929 --> 01:23:37,976
Oh, my God!
1639
01:23:38,096 --> 01:23:39,097
Who wears this?
1640
01:23:39,556 --> 01:23:41,024
All right.
1641
01:23:41,099 --> 01:23:44,569
Let's get you inside and
put on something sensible.
1642
01:23:44,645 --> 01:23:47,068
Oh, my God! Speaking of
letting people inside...
1643
01:23:47,147 --> 01:23:50,697
I let Sean inside, my vagina!
We just had sex!
1644
01:23:50,776 --> 01:23:52,323
Oh, my God!
1645
01:23:52,402 --> 01:23:57,659
I mean, "ow" at first,
but then out of this world.
1646
01:23:57,741 --> 01:23:58,981
I have to hear all the details.
1647
01:23:59,034 --> 01:24:00,206
Oh, I have details.
1648
01:24:00,285 --> 01:24:03,209
Like, who knew their stuff runs
right out as soon as they're done?
1649
01:24:03,288 --> 01:24:05,040
And it's so warm.
1650
01:24:05,999 --> 01:24:09,128
I got some running
down my leg right now!