1 00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:46,213 MITCH: What's it all about? 2 00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:49,758 CAM: America, Jesus, freedom. 3 00:00:49,925 --> 00:00:51,176 MITCH: Say it again. 4 00:00:51,343 --> 00:00:54,721 CAM: America, Jesus, freedom. 5 00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:56,098 MITCH: And what does that mean? 6 00:00:56,265 --> 00:01:00,853 CAM: Shit, I don't know. But the people sure love it when l say it. 7 00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:02,688 How's my hair? 8 00:01:02,855 --> 00:01:05,524 Strong. Real strong. 9 00:01:05,691 --> 00:01:07,234 [CHEERING] [MARCHING BAND PLAYING] 10 00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:09,736 ANNOUNCER [OVER SPEAKER]: Let's send him back to Washington. 11 00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:14,157 Democratic congressman today, vice president tomorrow. 12 00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:17,035 Here he is, running unopposed... 13 00:01:17,202 --> 00:01:20,163 -Hello, everyone! -...Cam Brady! 14 00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:26,003 North Carolina is taking care of business. 15 00:01:26,962 --> 00:01:31,884 Just like you, every day, I'm living the American dream. 16 00:01:32,509 --> 00:01:34,845 I come from humble beginnings. 17 00:01:35,012 --> 00:01:36,847 My father worked with his hands... 18 00:01:37,014 --> 00:01:40,559 ...as head stylist for Vidal Sassoon. 19 00:01:40,726 --> 00:01:43,729 WOMAN: Amen! CAM: Very much the typical American family. 20 00:01:43,896 --> 00:01:48,692 I'm here today with my beautiful family, and I'd love for you to welcome them. 21 00:01:48,859 --> 00:01:51,278 My two children, Jessica, Cam Jr. 22 00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:55,115 -I love you, J. Lo. Camouflage. MAN: Get them, Camo! 23 00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:59,328 And of course, my Rock of Gibraltar... 24 00:01:59,494 --> 00:02:01,288 ...Mrs. Rose Brady, my wife. 25 00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:02,497 Love you, baby. 26 00:02:02,664 --> 00:02:04,958 CAM: My dream maker. Thanks for coming out. 27 00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,461 Cam Brady '012. 28 00:02:08,337 --> 00:02:11,215 Our nation's security has never been stronger... 29 00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:16,011 ...because our troops and our veterans are this nation's backbone. 30 00:02:16,178 --> 00:02:20,307 Because farmers are this nation's backbone. 31 00:02:20,766 --> 00:02:24,895 Schools is this nation's backbone. 32 00:02:25,062 --> 00:02:30,400 Audio-installation specialists and window tinters are this nation's backbone. 33 00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:36,740 Because Filipino Tilt-A-Whirl operators are this nation's backbone. 34 00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:41,620 And I wanna make you a promise today... 35 00:02:41,787 --> 00:02:46,208 ...that if you send me back to Washington, D.C., for a fifth consecutive term... 36 00:02:46,375 --> 00:02:52,047 ...I will let them know it's about America, Jesus and freedom. 37 00:02:52,256 --> 00:02:53,924 We love you, Cam! 38 00:02:55,217 --> 00:02:57,302 I love you too. 39 00:02:57,469 --> 00:02:59,429 You got a lot of energy, don't you? 40 00:02:59,596 --> 00:03:01,557 [CHEERS] 41 00:03:02,224 --> 00:03:03,517 -Oh, Shana. -Oh! Oh, Cam! 42 00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:05,143 Your body's so toned. 43 00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:06,562 -Cam! -So toned. 44 00:03:06,728 --> 00:03:09,982 -Cam, it smells horrible in here. -It's not that bad once you get used to it. 45 00:03:10,148 --> 00:03:11,191 [KNOCK ON DOOR] 46 00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:14,570 If it's a-rocking, don't come a-knocking. 47 00:03:19,741 --> 00:03:21,285 This is bad, Cam. 48 00:03:21,451 --> 00:03:24,663 This is real bad. Okay? I don't like those numbers at all. 49 00:03:24,830 --> 00:03:28,333 -Just one poll. Those things aren't scientific. -Yes, they are. 50 00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:30,419 All this is is science. This is math. 51 00:03:30,586 --> 00:03:33,213 But if you took it and put it on its axis this way-- 52 00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:36,800 Hey, look, Cam, l'm telling you right now, it was the phone call. 53 00:03:36,967 --> 00:03:38,218 CAM: Mm-mm. -Yes. 54 00:03:38,385 --> 00:03:41,889 -No way. -Yes way. No, look at this, look at this, okay? 55 00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:45,434 Sixty-two percent of the people that got asked liked you, okay? 56 00:03:45,601 --> 00:03:49,188 Then the phone call happened. Then they asked the same question. 57 00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:51,607 Now only 46 percent of the people like you. 58 00:03:52,107 --> 00:03:54,026 Run through it one more time. 59 00:03:54,193 --> 00:03:56,361 Look, before the call, this is you. Like Price Is Right. 60 00:03:56,528 --> 00:03:58,697 [YODELING] 61 00:03:58,864 --> 00:04:00,782 And then look at that. Straight down. 62 00:04:00,949 --> 00:04:04,286 I thought I was calling Shana. I misdialed. 63 00:04:04,703 --> 00:04:07,372 And, Lord, we just pray that you bless this table... 64 00:04:07,539 --> 00:04:09,583 ...this food, this family and this nation. 65 00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:11,543 [RINGING] 66 00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:15,714 Hey, Jared, let's let the machine take one for God. 67 00:04:15,881 --> 00:04:17,549 [MACHINE BEEPS] 68 00:04:17,716 --> 00:04:20,886 CAM [ON MACHINE]: Hey, Shana, it's Congressman Cam Drade here. 69 00:04:21,053 --> 00:04:25,933 I just stepped awae from a family dinner to tell you I wish l wasn't eating fried steak. 70 00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:28,227 I wish l was eating Shana pussy. 71 00:04:28,393 --> 00:04:32,272 Seriousle, baby, eou get me so hard me dick presses against me zipper... 72 00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:34,483 ...and it hurts like a motherfucker. 73 00:04:34,650 --> 00:04:35,692 What else? 74 00:04:35,859 --> 00:04:38,445 Oh, hey, I got your parents tickets to The Producers. 75 00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:41,615 And, oh, yeah, let's do something craze weird next time... 76 00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:44,701 ...like lick each other's buttholes in a Denne's bathroom. 77 00:04:44,868 --> 00:04:47,120 All right, l gotta go. Cam Drade in '01 2. 78 00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:49,873 -Okay. -Now, that was clearly a wrong number. 79 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:51,875 MOTHER: Right. -He is not listening to Jesus... 80 00:04:52,042 --> 00:04:56,004 ...because if he was, oh, Jesus would give him a tongue-lashing. 81 00:04:56,171 --> 00:04:59,299 Not like the one he has requested. 82 00:05:00,342 --> 00:05:02,302 And that family's hopping mad. 83 00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:04,596 -What do you want me to say? -You tell me. 84 00:05:05,097 --> 00:05:07,724 I fucked up. 85 00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:10,644 Yeah, we're in a bad situation here, okay? 86 00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:14,064 -What do you wanna do? -Get out front. Walk it back. 87 00:05:14,231 --> 00:05:15,274 [REPORTERS CHATTERING] 88 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:19,236 We can't have this. It's a behavior that has to stop. 89 00:05:19,403 --> 00:05:21,363 But, congressman, you made the call. 90 00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:24,032 I have made in my lifetime... 91 00:05:24,199 --> 00:05:27,452 ...probably over 1 00,000 phone calls... 92 00:05:27,619 --> 00:05:30,956 ...of which I could say maybe 1 percent have been inappropriate. 93 00:05:31,123 --> 00:05:33,500 -What is that, a thousand phone calls? -That is exactly 1 000. 94 00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:38,505 A thousand phone calls have been rude, inappropriate, sexually explicit. 95 00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:40,382 Phone calls I wish I could take back. 96 00:05:40,549 --> 00:05:45,721 But that's only 1 000 out of 1 00,000. I'll take those odds any day of the week. 97 00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:50,726 [BAND PLAYING SLOW JAZZ MUSlC] 98 00:05:50,893 --> 00:05:53,770 LLOYD: Gentlemen, l can't bring this bill to the floor. l'll get killed. 99 00:05:53,937 --> 00:05:57,191 There is no way Congress will let Motch Worldwide Global... 100 00:05:57,357 --> 00:06:01,486 ...put "made in America" on goods made in China. 101 00:06:01,653 --> 00:06:05,407 Why not? The name of the town in China is America. 102 00:06:05,574 --> 00:06:07,242 Oh, now, technically it's Mera-Kai. 103 00:06:07,409 --> 00:06:09,953 My brother and l are job creators. 104 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:13,207 And because of that, we're also candidate creators. 105 00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:14,750 [CHUCKLING] My hands are tied. 106 00:06:14,917 --> 00:06:17,252 GLENN: That's a real pity, isn't it, Wade? WADE: Yeah. 107 00:06:17,419 --> 00:06:21,006 By the time we're finished, half your district will think you're a Marxist... 108 00:06:21,173 --> 00:06:25,219 ...and the other half will think you've got every D.C. Craigslist hooker on speed dial. 109 00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,179 Got it? 110 00:06:27,346 --> 00:06:31,391 When the family plugged in their phone into the answering machine... 111 00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:34,186 ...they became consenting adults. 112 00:06:34,353 --> 00:06:35,562 Cam Brady's done. 113 00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:37,981 He doesn't have this district locked up anymore. 114 00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:40,067 Let's get Brady out of there. 115 00:06:40,234 --> 00:06:42,611 Finance someone who'll be a friend of the Motches... 116 00:06:42,778 --> 00:06:44,738 ...and help us change these regulations. 117 00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:47,533 Who do we have down there that we could run? 118 00:06:47,699 --> 00:06:50,536 Big Jim Santon's in prison for embezzling state lottery funds. 119 00:06:50,702 --> 00:06:54,748 -Sad. -Well, Raymond Huggins' boy Marty? 120 00:06:55,707 --> 00:06:57,543 Isn't he the weird one? 121 00:06:57,709 --> 00:07:00,212 Has weird ever stopped us before? 122 00:07:00,379 --> 00:07:05,217 How, in the eear 201 2, do thee still have an answering machine? 123 00:07:05,384 --> 00:07:07,719 Whe are thee denied modern technology? 124 00:07:07,886 --> 00:07:09,972 Make the call. 125 00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:17,688 Come on, guys. 126 00:07:19,815 --> 00:07:23,235 TAMMY: Hey there, Marty. -Hey, Tammy. 127 00:07:24,862 --> 00:07:29,575 -Good morning, Dr. Scruggs. SCRUGGS: l have no idea who you are. 128 00:07:30,033 --> 00:07:32,995 Hey, Diane. How's business at Candles 'N' Such? 129 00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:36,707 Such is selling. I can't move the candles, though. 130 00:07:36,874 --> 00:07:39,835 Yes, you can, Diane. "Can't" is the real C-word. 131 00:07:42,713 --> 00:07:46,341 Cock-a-doodle-doo, Travis. You look tired. Did you get some sleep? 132 00:07:46,508 --> 00:07:48,760 Yeah, l'm just real high. 133 00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:50,679 [CHUCKLING] You're hysterical, Travis. 134 00:07:51,263 --> 00:07:55,350 -How's the turnout for the 1 1 :30 tour? -Just one person signed in. 135 00:07:55,517 --> 00:07:59,730 What? Are you serious? What happened to the eighth-grade field trip? 136 00:07:59,897 --> 00:08:02,274 I guess the kids would just rather go to class. 137 00:08:02,441 --> 00:08:05,694 -Well, I just need one person. -Yeah, well, guess who it is. 138 00:08:05,861 --> 00:08:09,114 Mrs. Cutler again. She got a crush on you, Marty. 139 00:08:09,281 --> 00:08:11,533 She's gonna have to get in line. Heh. 140 00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:16,580 Hammond, or the jewel of the Carolinas, as I like to call it... 141 00:08:16,747 --> 00:08:21,001 ...is rich in history and flush with natural beauty. 142 00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:22,794 We've also had celebrities pass through. 143 00:08:22,961 --> 00:08:25,088 Eight years ago, actress Rosie Perez passed through... 144 00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:26,298 [CELL PHONE RINGING] 145 00:08:26,465 --> 00:08:29,510 ...when she got turned around on the interstate and came to ask us for direc-- 146 00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:32,679 -Travis, stop, stop. Stop the tour. Stop the tour. -Now? All right. 147 00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:34,389 [TlRES SCREECH] 148 00:08:34,932 --> 00:08:36,600 Hello, Father? 149 00:08:37,142 --> 00:08:38,227 Yes. 150 00:08:38,393 --> 00:08:40,729 Yes, sir. Yes, sir. 151 00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:02,709 WOMAN [IN SOUTHERN ACCENT]: Oh, I's a-coming, l's a-coming. 152 00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,044 Patience for the tired. 153 00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:07,756 Now, you just enjoy that view from the porch, now. 154 00:09:07,923 --> 00:09:10,175 Oh. Almost there. 155 00:09:11,844 --> 00:09:14,721 Oh, well, my Lord, if it ain't Mr. Marty. 156 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,139 [BOTH CHUCKLING] 157 00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:18,976 -Hi, Mrs. Yao. -Oh, come on in, child. 158 00:09:19,142 --> 00:09:23,063 Oh, Mr. Senior's down at the docks trying to scare up some catfish. 159 00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:25,607 He's still making you talk like that? 160 00:09:25,774 --> 00:09:28,944 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Yup. He pays me an extra 50 bucks a week. 161 00:09:29,111 --> 00:09:31,154 Says it reminds him of the good old days. 162 00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:33,365 MARTY: He can be an old coot. -Yeah. 163 00:09:33,532 --> 00:09:35,951 [IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Well, hey, your daddy down by the lake... 164 00:09:36,118 --> 00:09:37,619 ...fishing for some catfish to fry up. 165 00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:40,706 Mm, Lordy, that sounds good. 166 00:09:40,873 --> 00:09:42,416 Catfish. 167 00:09:46,044 --> 00:09:49,298 -Marty, you stack of cock rings. -Stop! Ha, ha! 168 00:09:49,464 --> 00:09:52,801 TRIPP: Mouthful of pubes. -Don't tickle. Stop tickling me! Stop tickling me! 169 00:09:52,968 --> 00:09:55,095 -Full revenge, man. -Stop! Stop tickling me! 170 00:09:55,888 --> 00:09:58,599 I'm sorry, brother. Ha, ha. Oh, man. 171 00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:00,517 You should see the look on your stupid face. 172 00:10:00,684 --> 00:10:04,146 Ah. lt's good to see you, brother. Daddy got a little surprise for you. 173 00:10:04,313 --> 00:10:07,107 -Do you know what it is? -Yeah. But l ain't gonna tell you, dick sweat. 174 00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:09,067 -Bam! Ha, ha. -Ow! 175 00:10:09,234 --> 00:10:12,321 -It's still funny. -Come on. Let's not keep Daddy waiting. 176 00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:16,241 MARTY: Okay. Hey, Daddy. 177 00:10:24,875 --> 00:10:26,835 Now, listen up. 178 00:10:27,002 --> 00:10:30,214 Glenn and Wade Motch called this morning. You know the Motch brothers? 179 00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:34,801 And they feel there's an opening to challenge Cam Brady for congressman. 180 00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:38,430 And, well... 181 00:10:38,597 --> 00:10:40,599 ...believe it or not... 182 00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:43,769 ...they want you to run for office. 183 00:10:44,895 --> 00:10:48,482 Dad, that is like the greatest.... 184 00:10:50,192 --> 00:10:53,695 This is like the greatest news I've ever heard. I can't believe this. 185 00:10:53,862 --> 00:10:57,157 All these years l've been begging you to let me get into politics... 186 00:10:57,324 --> 00:10:58,742 ...and right now here it is. 187 00:10:58,909 --> 00:11:02,955 I didn't even know they knew who l was. Motch brothers. 188 00:11:03,121 --> 00:11:04,998 Well, I'll tell you this. 189 00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:09,670 I'll make you proud. I will. 190 00:11:11,296 --> 00:11:13,298 I'll make you-- I'll make you real proud. 191 00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:17,344 I'd say there's mathematically zero chance of that happening. 192 00:11:17,511 --> 00:11:19,596 Your brother Tripp is a bull's-eye. 193 00:11:19,763 --> 00:11:23,308 But you look like Richard Simmons just crapped out a goddamn hobbit. 194 00:11:23,475 --> 00:11:28,438 Dad, if you're still holding a grudge because l wore Crocs to Mom's funeral... 195 00:11:28,605 --> 00:11:32,234 ...like l've told you a thousand times, I'm sorry. 196 00:11:32,401 --> 00:11:35,070 Mom would've wanted it that way. She was casual. 197 00:11:35,696 --> 00:11:37,197 I don't even know what to think. 198 00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:39,283 I got so many thoughts running through my mind... 199 00:11:39,449 --> 00:11:43,745 ...about what l can do for the district and for the town, for the people of Hammond. 200 00:11:43,912 --> 00:11:47,166 Give them a voice. Put them in the right direction. 201 00:11:47,332 --> 00:11:49,293 I mean, it's a mess out there. 202 00:11:49,459 --> 00:11:53,297 Son, it's no secret we've never enjoyed each other's company. 203 00:11:53,463 --> 00:11:56,008 You can be so bleak sometimes, Dad. 204 00:11:56,175 --> 00:11:57,217 Hmm. 205 00:11:57,718 --> 00:12:02,055 Did you ever get that calendar l sent of those animals dressed in human clothing? 206 00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:05,017 I was looking at mine yesterday because l bought one for myself... 207 00:12:05,184 --> 00:12:07,769 ...and it had a giraffe in high heels. 208 00:12:07,936 --> 00:12:10,564 And I thought to myself, "Who thinks of this stuff?" 209 00:12:10,731 --> 00:12:12,357 I laughed so hard. 210 00:12:12,524 --> 00:12:15,944 I thought it was super cute. A giraffe is tall enough as is. 211 00:12:16,111 --> 00:12:18,780 Then somebody thought, "Let's put a giraffe in high heels. 212 00:12:18,947 --> 00:12:21,283 Maybe add a belt. There was a little bow on him." 213 00:12:21,450 --> 00:12:24,411 Boy, you really are a sad little fucker, aren't you? 214 00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:51,855 [IN MANDARlN] 215 00:13:02,616 --> 00:13:06,829 WADE: This is the 14th district of North Carolina and the city of Hammond. 216 00:13:06,995 --> 00:13:10,833 We are acquiring massive parcels of real estate under a shell corporation... 217 00:13:10,999 --> 00:13:13,126 ...so we can reopen three large factories. 218 00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:14,837 Ostensibly, we own this district. 219 00:13:15,003 --> 00:13:18,423 We think we can operate at the same regulatory and wage levels as China... 220 00:13:18,590 --> 00:13:20,592 ...and eliminate shipping costs. 221 00:13:20,759 --> 00:13:23,011 [IN ENGLlSH] And your government will cooperate? 222 00:13:23,178 --> 00:13:26,014 We also own the most important resource of all: 223 00:13:26,181 --> 00:13:27,683 a willing candidate. 224 00:13:27,850 --> 00:13:31,645 Candidate. Your elections are unpredictable. 225 00:13:31,812 --> 00:13:35,274 Mr. Zheng, there's something you need to know about American politics. 226 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:38,819 When you've got the money, nothing is unpredictable. 227 00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:40,571 [CHUCKLES] 228 00:13:41,572 --> 00:13:44,533 CARTER: Sometimes democracy moves with the stroke of a pen... 229 00:13:44,700 --> 00:13:48,245 ...and tonight Cam Brady will win his fifth term in Congress... 230 00:13:48,412 --> 00:13:50,831 ...simply by registering for the ballot. 231 00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:53,292 That's the perks of running unopposed. 232 00:13:53,458 --> 00:13:57,087 -Check it out. lt's a picture of my dick. -Oh, come on. 233 00:13:57,254 --> 00:14:00,465 I shaved my pubic hair to look like a 1 9th-century handlebar mustache. 234 00:14:00,632 --> 00:14:03,385 -Man, put that away, will you? -I'm gonna tweet it to Shana. 235 00:14:03,552 --> 00:14:05,679 -Cam, don't do that, please. -Too late. 236 00:14:05,846 --> 00:14:07,848 I CC'd you. Heh. 237 00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:09,808 -I don't wanna see it. -You're welcome. 238 00:14:09,975 --> 00:14:15,105 Next up, we have ballot confirmation of Camden Brady, congressman. 239 00:14:15,272 --> 00:14:16,315 CAM: Thank you, Carl. 240 00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,942 -Let's get this bad boy signed. CARL: Let's do it. 241 00:14:19,109 --> 00:14:21,111 [DOOR HANDLE RATTLING] 242 00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:31,205 I couldn't tell what was going on. I thought the thing was locked. 243 00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:35,292 What the hell is this? 244 00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:39,588 -[WHISPERS] Hey, Becky. BECKY: Hi. 245 00:14:39,755 --> 00:14:41,340 [BOTH CHUCKLE] 246 00:14:43,675 --> 00:14:48,722 Hello. My name is Marty Sylvester Huggins... 247 00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:54,811 ...and I'm here today to formally announce my candidacy on the Republican ticket... 248 00:14:54,978 --> 00:14:57,940 ...for the 14th district for congressman. 249 00:14:58,357 --> 00:15:03,987 I have, uh, my check and my application and my birth certificate all right here if you.... 250 00:15:04,154 --> 00:15:06,281 Wait, what--? Hold on. Hold on. What's going on here? 251 00:15:06,448 --> 00:15:07,533 [GAVEL BANGS] 252 00:15:07,699 --> 00:15:10,786 Hold on a second, Cam. Let me take a look at this. 253 00:15:12,037 --> 00:15:13,664 All his paperwork is here. 254 00:15:13,831 --> 00:15:15,123 [GAVEL BANGS] 255 00:15:15,290 --> 00:15:17,501 Marty Huggins is officially on the ballot... 256 00:15:17,668 --> 00:15:19,837 -...running for congressional representative... -What? 257 00:15:20,003 --> 00:15:21,964 ...of the 14th district of North Carolina. 258 00:15:22,130 --> 00:15:23,966 -Are you kidding me? -Hey, come on, Carl. 259 00:15:24,132 --> 00:15:26,593 -Is this some kind ofjoke? -Come on, Carl. 260 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:28,554 They're gonna wanna get to know you... 261 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:30,889 ...now that you're challenging our congressman. 262 00:15:31,056 --> 00:15:32,891 How do you expect to do that? 263 00:15:36,353 --> 00:15:39,565 -Uh, say that again. -That's Marty Huggins. 264 00:15:39,731 --> 00:15:42,901 You know, back in fourth grade, they used to call him Tickle Shits... 265 00:15:43,068 --> 00:15:45,737 ...because all you had to do was tickle him and he'd shit his pants. 266 00:15:45,904 --> 00:15:48,156 -Oh, I remember that name. -Mm-hm. 267 00:15:48,323 --> 00:15:50,617 [CHUCKLING] I'm Marty Huggins, and l approve this message. 268 00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:52,536 -I've always wanted to say that. -Heh. 269 00:15:56,290 --> 00:15:58,167 What the hell? 270 00:15:58,333 --> 00:15:59,626 MARTY: I can't seem to-- 271 00:15:59,793 --> 00:16:01,628 -Push the door. MITCH: Yeah, you gonna push. 272 00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:04,423 Push it? Push it real good? 273 00:16:06,341 --> 00:16:08,010 Dreaking news out of North Carolina. 274 00:16:08,177 --> 00:16:09,720 Democratic incumbent Cam Drady... 275 00:16:09,887 --> 00:16:12,890 ...getting a run for his money by newcomer Marte Huggins. 276 00:16:13,056 --> 00:16:16,143 Earle rumors have billionaire industrialists the Motch brothers... 277 00:16:16,310 --> 00:16:18,395 ...financing a PAC supporting Huggins. 278 00:16:18,562 --> 00:16:23,150 And with a thin majority in the House, this race could be hugele important. 279 00:16:23,984 --> 00:16:27,112 You know, baby, l've been thinking. I don't like this. 280 00:16:27,279 --> 00:16:31,074 Why does a Marty Huggins come out of nowhere and decide to run? 281 00:16:31,241 --> 00:16:34,578 Baby, l'm a thoroughbred. I'm gonna smoke that clown. 282 00:16:34,745 --> 00:16:38,957 Kids, put your headphones in. About to use TV mature words. 283 00:16:39,124 --> 00:16:41,543 You know l love it when you get all bitchy and wild. 284 00:16:43,795 --> 00:16:46,089 You listen to me, you dick dragging around a body. 285 00:16:46,256 --> 00:16:49,176 Marty Huggins' daddy is Raymond Huggins. 286 00:16:49,343 --> 00:16:51,470 He was Jesse Helms' campaign manager for six terms. 287 00:16:51,637 --> 00:16:54,223 -Mm-hm. -He's got fucking juice. What have you got? 288 00:16:54,389 --> 00:16:57,726 A mistress with a GED and a 9-year-old son. 289 00:16:58,310 --> 00:16:59,603 She's got a kid? 290 00:17:00,979 --> 00:17:03,565 [THREE 6 MAFIA'S "AZZ & TITTIEZ" PLAYING ON HEADPHONES] 291 00:17:03,732 --> 00:17:06,109 Ass and titties, ass and titties And big boote bitches 292 00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:08,612 [INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE] 293 00:17:08,820 --> 00:17:10,989 Ass and titties, ass and titties Ass and titties 294 00:17:11,198 --> 00:17:13,825 Last election, Newsweek mentioned you as a possible VP. 295 00:17:13,992 --> 00:17:16,453 -I want that VP nod, Cam. CAM: Okay. 296 00:17:16,620 --> 00:17:20,916 I wanna be second lady. And what are you doing to make that happen? 297 00:17:21,083 --> 00:17:25,754 You're grinding your hairy crescent roll against any piece of ass that flashes you a smile. 298 00:17:25,921 --> 00:17:28,257 None of that was my fault. I was powerless. 299 00:17:28,423 --> 00:17:33,971 I was plied with copious amounts of Red Bull, Jell-O shots... 300 00:17:34,137 --> 00:17:35,347 ...and Goldschl'ger. 301 00:17:35,514 --> 00:17:38,225 Remember Dr. Jenkins, he thought l had Crohn's disease. 302 00:17:38,392 --> 00:17:41,353 There were flakes of 24-karat gold in my stool for about a month. 303 00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:42,771 [SCOFFS] 304 00:17:42,980 --> 00:17:46,108 I crapped gold. 305 00:17:47,526 --> 00:17:49,319 MARTY: Was the nicest thing. 306 00:17:49,486 --> 00:17:51,822 -Just got a call from, uh, Cam Brady... -Oh. 307 00:17:51,989 --> 00:17:55,659 ...saying that, uh, he invited me to something called a civility brunch. 308 00:17:55,826 --> 00:17:56,869 MITZI: Oh. 309 00:17:57,035 --> 00:17:59,872 Which l think is just a chance for us to share a meal together... 310 00:18:00,038 --> 00:18:02,207 ...and talk about the campaign and its issues... 311 00:18:02,374 --> 00:18:05,127 ...and make sure that everything's gonna be civil, you know? 312 00:18:05,294 --> 00:18:09,256 That's a lovely idea, Marty. We're all so proud of you. 313 00:18:09,673 --> 00:18:13,594 I knew one day your dad would realize your true potential. 314 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:17,848 Um, boys, put down your utensils. I wanna talk to you about something real quick. 315 00:18:19,308 --> 00:18:21,310 I wanted to take this time... 316 00:18:21,476 --> 00:18:25,439 ...to say that we're gonna be under a lot of media scrutiny. 317 00:18:25,898 --> 00:18:29,568 So if there's anything that you wanna talk about... 318 00:18:29,735 --> 00:18:31,904 ...any kind of secrets... 319 00:18:32,070 --> 00:18:34,740 ...or stories or fibs... 320 00:18:35,824 --> 00:18:38,619 ...now's the time to put it on the table, okay? 321 00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:41,705 And if you tell me, if you tell me and your mom... 322 00:18:41,872 --> 00:18:43,081 ...we're not gonna be mad. 323 00:18:43,248 --> 00:18:45,125 [SIGHS] 324 00:18:45,834 --> 00:18:48,837 I said the Lord's name in vain at school. 325 00:18:50,172 --> 00:18:51,924 Mm-hm. 326 00:18:57,262 --> 00:19:00,390 Well, I said l wasn't gonna get angry, and I'm not angry. 327 00:19:00,557 --> 00:19:01,725 Okay. Good. 328 00:19:01,892 --> 00:19:06,855 I went to the petting zoo and I let the goat lick my penis. 329 00:19:09,608 --> 00:19:10,984 What? What--? 330 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:14,988 -Now, that l have a-- MITZI: Now, honey. 331 00:19:15,697 --> 00:19:17,824 Now, you promised you wouldn't get mad, okay? 332 00:19:17,991 --> 00:19:20,160 They're just-- They're being honest. 333 00:19:21,078 --> 00:19:23,914 Okay. Maybe that's-- Hopefully, that's it. 334 00:19:24,081 --> 00:19:27,543 I had a beer with the old biker man at the end of the street... 335 00:19:27,709 --> 00:19:30,212 ...and he let me touch his old lady's titty. 336 00:19:30,379 --> 00:19:33,841 -Oh, God. -Ugh. "Breast." 337 00:19:34,007 --> 00:19:38,428 I go to the mall and hide in a stairwell and take photos up women's skirts. 338 00:19:38,595 --> 00:19:42,266 I have a whole book of cooter shots under my bed. 339 00:19:45,269 --> 00:19:47,771 One time l put a firefly in my butthole. 340 00:19:47,938 --> 00:19:51,567 -Why? -To make my farts glow. 341 00:19:51,733 --> 00:19:53,360 Oh, God. 342 00:19:53,527 --> 00:19:59,825 I shaved the dog and glued the hair to my nut sac so I'd look like a grown man. 343 00:20:00,492 --> 00:20:01,952 Oh, God. 344 00:20:02,953 --> 00:20:05,914 I touch myself to Drew Carey on The Price ls Right. 345 00:20:06,081 --> 00:20:08,876 God. Okay, that's enough. Stop, please. 346 00:20:10,878 --> 00:20:13,380 CAM: I wanna thank you all for coming here today. 347 00:20:13,547 --> 00:20:18,302 Events like this give us an opportunity to show Washington, D.C... 348 00:20:18,468 --> 00:20:22,431 ...that we're not gonna stand for the mudslinging that's tearing this country apart. 349 00:20:22,598 --> 00:20:23,765 Support our troops. 350 00:20:23,932 --> 00:20:25,642 -Yes. -Yeah. 351 00:20:27,144 --> 00:20:29,980 And with that, I would like to, uh, take this time... 352 00:20:30,147 --> 00:20:34,484 ...to introduce my opponent and, uh, my friend, Marty Huggins. 353 00:20:34,651 --> 00:20:36,069 Marty? 354 00:20:39,781 --> 00:20:40,824 Thank you so much. 355 00:20:40,991 --> 00:20:44,912 Thank you, uh, Cam. Thank you, uh-- Thank you everybody. 356 00:20:46,079 --> 00:20:50,167 Well, I'm a little nervous. Heh. I'll be honest with you. Um.... 357 00:20:51,001 --> 00:20:53,504 My dad always told me two things about giving speeches. 358 00:20:53,670 --> 00:20:56,924 One, never say anything bad about the Jews... 359 00:20:57,090 --> 00:21:00,260 ...and two, tell an interesting story. 360 00:21:00,427 --> 00:21:01,512 I have two pugs. 361 00:21:01,678 --> 00:21:04,848 One's named Poundcake and one's named Muffins. 362 00:21:05,015 --> 00:21:06,433 Good Lord. 363 00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:10,145 Anyway, Poundcake loves to get underneath the sofa. 364 00:21:10,312 --> 00:21:11,730 And I know exactly why. 365 00:21:11,897 --> 00:21:14,650 Because my wife leaves Milky Ways underneath the sofa... 366 00:21:14,816 --> 00:21:16,276 ...with Hamburger Helper on it. 367 00:21:16,443 --> 00:21:20,364 And Muffins is always yapping at him, like, "Don't go underneath the sofa." 368 00:21:20,531 --> 00:21:21,698 And Poundcake barks back: 369 00:21:21,865 --> 00:21:24,326 "l am under the sofa, and I'm having a good time." 370 00:21:24,743 --> 00:21:26,370 And they look at me like, "What?" 371 00:21:26,537 --> 00:21:29,122 The other one's looking at the other one, going, "What?" 372 00:21:29,289 --> 00:21:31,458 Then l walk in like, "What are y'all two doing?" 373 00:21:31,625 --> 00:21:33,377 But every day, it's the same thing. 374 00:21:33,544 --> 00:21:37,172 Just barking about one of them being underneath the sofa. 375 00:21:39,007 --> 00:21:41,802 -That's-- And that's my story. -All right. 376 00:21:41,969 --> 00:21:44,263 [AUDIENCE MURMURING THEN APPLAUDING] 377 00:21:44,429 --> 00:21:46,390 Thank you very much. 378 00:21:47,599 --> 00:21:48,642 CAM: Thank you, Marty. 379 00:21:49,309 --> 00:21:50,686 Have a seat. 380 00:21:50,853 --> 00:21:53,897 I am sorry. Where are my manners? I forgot Marty's bio. 381 00:21:54,064 --> 00:21:55,315 Didn't know I had a bio. 382 00:21:55,482 --> 00:21:57,484 CAM: Mitch, if you'd go ahead and kill the lights. 383 00:21:57,651 --> 00:21:59,778 If we could draw those curtains, thank you. 384 00:22:00,279 --> 00:22:01,613 Little presentation. 385 00:22:02,072 --> 00:22:05,951 Today we are here to meet Martin Sylvester Huggins... 386 00:22:06,118 --> 00:22:08,287 ...who was born right here in 1 972. 387 00:22:08,453 --> 00:22:12,499 As a boy, Marty attended camp for weight loss and emotional stability. 388 00:22:12,666 --> 00:22:13,709 [AUDIENCE CHUCKLING] 389 00:22:13,876 --> 00:22:18,964 In high school, he was part of an all-male a cappella group, Dude Ranch. 390 00:22:19,131 --> 00:22:21,049 At 25, he met the love of his life. 391 00:22:21,216 --> 00:22:24,678 She proposed to him six times before he said yes. 392 00:22:24,845 --> 00:22:26,388 Together, they have two boys... 393 00:22:26,555 --> 00:22:30,100 ...and two pugs, which, keep in mind, are Chinese. 394 00:22:30,267 --> 00:22:31,810 They're Chinese dogs. 395 00:22:31,977 --> 00:22:33,729 [LAUGHING] 396 00:22:33,896 --> 00:22:36,648 And currently Marty Huggins works out at Curves... 397 00:22:37,191 --> 00:22:40,152 ...which is a workout facility for plus-size women. 398 00:22:42,946 --> 00:22:46,450 Anyway, don't you find that interesting to learn about Marty Huggins? 399 00:22:46,617 --> 00:22:48,535 That's my opponent, Marty Huggins. 400 00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:53,165 Eat up, everyone. Enjoy. 401 00:22:56,460 --> 00:22:58,962 Welcome to the fucking show. 402 00:23:03,050 --> 00:23:04,426 [SNIFFLES] 403 00:23:09,515 --> 00:23:12,643 Okay, Marty, you're not gonna cry. 404 00:23:12,809 --> 00:23:13,852 [GASPS] 405 00:23:14,019 --> 00:23:16,939 Hey. Get some American dogs, you Commie! 406 00:23:18,732 --> 00:23:20,150 -They're not Communist dogs. -Drive. 407 00:23:20,317 --> 00:23:21,652 [SHRIEKS] 408 00:23:21,818 --> 00:23:24,655 Move the car. Stab and steer. Let's go. 409 00:23:24,863 --> 00:23:27,032 -Who are you? -Tim Wattley. 410 00:23:27,199 --> 00:23:30,202 Motch brothers sent me. I'm your campaign manager. 411 00:23:30,369 --> 00:23:32,996 I'm here to make you not suck. 412 00:23:34,706 --> 00:23:37,167 Now put this shit bucket in gear. 413 00:23:47,094 --> 00:23:51,598 -What's this all about, Mr. Wattley? -Your life as you know it is over. 414 00:23:51,765 --> 00:23:54,685 Your campaign headquarters are being furnished and staffed... 415 00:23:54,852 --> 00:23:58,689 ...and the Motch brothers have put $1 million into your political action committee. 416 00:23:58,856 --> 00:24:01,525 But these are my things. I mean, this is my doily collection. 417 00:24:02,484 --> 00:24:05,821 -And that's my sign. TlM: From now on, you don't own pugs. 418 00:24:05,988 --> 00:24:08,907 You own a chocolate Lab and a golden retriever, two highest-polling dogs. 419 00:24:09,074 --> 00:24:11,660 One of them will be named Sergeant, the other Scout. 420 00:24:11,827 --> 00:24:14,580 They will wear bandanas. 421 00:24:14,746 --> 00:24:15,789 Sit. 422 00:24:17,124 --> 00:24:18,167 What about my pugs? 423 00:24:18,333 --> 00:24:21,003 -Have them put down humanely. MAN: Coming through. 424 00:24:21,170 --> 00:24:22,713 MITZI: No. That cannot stay there. 425 00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:26,550 You wanna put a live deer in the backyard, fine, but l don't want dead things-- 426 00:24:26,717 --> 00:24:29,052 No. You cannot have guns in here. Are you crazy? 427 00:24:29,219 --> 00:24:32,764 Dylan is prone to intense bouts of violence. 428 00:24:32,931 --> 00:24:36,685 Marty. Marty, they just let themselves in. I tried to stop them. 429 00:24:36,852 --> 00:24:39,396 They want me to cut my hair like Katie Couric. 430 00:24:39,563 --> 00:24:41,273 I want a Bible on this end table... 431 00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:45,068 ...and an oil painting of an eagle over this fireplace, stat. 432 00:24:47,154 --> 00:24:48,238 We have 49 days... 433 00:24:48,405 --> 00:24:52,326 ...before this district of 700,000 people decides if they like you or not. 434 00:24:52,493 --> 00:24:55,412 Right now, your likability is at 26 percent. 435 00:24:55,579 --> 00:24:59,500 The focus group words that come up about you are "odd"... 436 00:24:59,666 --> 00:25:02,252 ..."clammy," "probably Serbian." 437 00:25:02,419 --> 00:25:05,214 -That's an old one. -"He looks like the Travelocity gnome." 438 00:25:05,380 --> 00:25:06,423 What? 439 00:25:06,590 --> 00:25:10,844 If you really wanna help this district, the first thing you have to do, Marty, is win. 440 00:25:11,011 --> 00:25:15,599 I do wanna help the district. l love my home. It's just all happening so fast. 441 00:25:15,766 --> 00:25:20,395 Listen, l think Cam Brady can be beaten. But l don't believe you believe that. 442 00:25:20,562 --> 00:25:21,772 You know what? 443 00:25:21,939 --> 00:25:25,859 I'm just gonna call your dad and tell him you don't have the rocks for this. 444 00:25:26,026 --> 00:25:27,486 Hey. 445 00:25:28,028 --> 00:25:29,738 You put your phone away, Mr. Wattley. 446 00:25:29,905 --> 00:25:34,034 This might be hard for you to believe, but this dog has a ton of fight in him. 447 00:25:34,201 --> 00:25:35,244 A ton of fight. 448 00:25:35,410 --> 00:25:39,998 And when l get a scent, l hunt, brother. I hunt all day long. 449 00:25:40,165 --> 00:25:42,626 So don't you ever insinuate anything like that again. 450 00:25:49,007 --> 00:25:50,551 Call me Tim. 451 00:25:50,717 --> 00:25:53,262 Complete makeover, head to toe. 452 00:25:53,428 --> 00:25:57,099 No, no, no, not the pink one. Let me have a black one. 453 00:25:57,266 --> 00:25:59,977 It looks like that Precious girl's panties. 454 00:26:00,143 --> 00:26:03,230 Younger, stronger, smarter. 455 00:26:05,232 --> 00:26:06,525 Hit him again. 456 00:26:06,692 --> 00:26:09,945 Oh! Don't do that, it tickles, okay? 457 00:26:13,115 --> 00:26:15,868 Whe don't eou clean this crap up off the beach? Keep the change. 458 00:26:16,034 --> 00:26:19,204 Why don't you clean this crap up off the beach? Keep the change. 459 00:26:19,371 --> 00:26:21,999 Like Burt. Goddamn it. 460 00:26:22,166 --> 00:26:24,001 Why don't you clean this crap up off the beach? 461 00:26:24,168 --> 00:26:26,628 TlM: Again. -Why don't you clean this crap up off the beach? 462 00:26:27,171 --> 00:26:29,423 -Get rid of this. -That's where l keep my things. 463 00:26:29,590 --> 00:26:32,009 No, up. l need you up, like this. See the difference? 464 00:26:32,176 --> 00:26:34,344 -Yeah. -Here. Watch me. Up. Up. 465 00:26:34,511 --> 00:26:37,639 Swag. There you go. Like a man. 466 00:26:53,572 --> 00:26:56,366 Sassy salesman sold me Sicilian sausages. 467 00:26:56,533 --> 00:26:59,119 Keep it simple and direct questions to the talking points. 468 00:26:59,286 --> 00:27:02,623 -My boy Spanx are too tight. -They're supposed to be. Now suck in. 469 00:27:02,789 --> 00:27:05,751 When you meet Cam at center stage, shake hands but don't let go. 470 00:27:05,918 --> 00:27:09,838 Pull him close, maintain a smile, and then lay some trash talk on him. 471 00:27:10,005 --> 00:27:11,173 -Yeah. -Set the tone. 472 00:27:11,340 --> 00:27:12,466 Right. 473 00:27:12,633 --> 00:27:16,470 -You jacked? -Yeah, yeah, yeah, l'm jacked, yeah. 474 00:27:18,222 --> 00:27:21,475 -Now you're jacked. -Now l'm jacked. Okay. 475 00:27:23,894 --> 00:27:27,064 Good evening, everyone. Please welcome candidate Marty Huggins... 476 00:27:27,231 --> 00:27:29,149 ...and Congressman Cam Brady. 477 00:27:29,316 --> 00:27:31,276 [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] 478 00:27:33,278 --> 00:27:35,364 Yeah, baby. Looking good, baby. 479 00:27:37,950 --> 00:27:39,493 -Good to see you. -How you doing? 480 00:27:40,327 --> 00:27:43,705 Hate to break it to you, friend, but your balloon's getting ready to pop. 481 00:27:43,872 --> 00:27:46,333 And that balloon's full of your own butt toots. 482 00:27:46,500 --> 00:27:48,377 [WHISPERING] Are you trying to trash-talk me? 483 00:27:48,919 --> 00:27:52,214 Might wanna decide whether you're gonna buy toilet paper or aftershave. 484 00:27:52,381 --> 00:27:54,842 -Because your face is like a butt. -Oh, my God. 485 00:27:55,008 --> 00:27:58,095 -You don't know how to trash-talk, do you? -[WHISPERING] l do know how to. 486 00:27:58,262 --> 00:28:00,973 -Let me give you some trash talk, okay? -Mm-hm. 487 00:28:01,139 --> 00:28:04,560 You know what the difference between your mama and a washing machine is? 488 00:28:04,726 --> 00:28:06,478 When I dump a load in a machine... 489 00:28:06,645 --> 00:28:09,106 ...machine doesn't follow me around for three weeks. 490 00:28:09,648 --> 00:28:10,691 Now you go. 491 00:28:13,694 --> 00:28:16,530 You should take a bath in a toilet. I just wanna do the debate. 492 00:28:16,697 --> 00:28:17,906 No. Now l go. 493 00:28:18,073 --> 00:28:20,325 You're such a little turd... 494 00:28:20,492 --> 00:28:23,662 ...that when you sit in sand, cats try to bury you. 495 00:28:23,829 --> 00:28:25,455 You have a very vulgar mouth. 496 00:28:25,622 --> 00:28:29,334 -Please let go of my hand. -I want you to reach down and touch my nuts. 497 00:28:29,501 --> 00:28:31,545 MARTY: Stop. -That's what nuts feel like. Touch it. 498 00:28:31,712 --> 00:28:34,006 MARTY: l don't want to. -Let me see if you got any. 499 00:28:34,173 --> 00:28:36,341 Sirs. Sirs, we'd love to get started. 500 00:28:36,508 --> 00:28:37,593 [AUDIENCE MURMURING] 501 00:28:37,759 --> 00:28:39,178 -I'd love to start. -Me too. 502 00:28:42,055 --> 00:28:43,849 [AUDIENCE CHUCKLING] 503 00:28:48,770 --> 00:28:50,439 -Tim. -Get him something to stand on. 504 00:28:50,606 --> 00:28:52,399 [CHUCKLlNG] 505 00:28:52,774 --> 00:28:53,817 Thank you. 506 00:28:53,984 --> 00:28:56,445 MODERATOR: Our first question will go to the incumbent. 507 00:28:56,612 --> 00:28:59,323 How would you bring jobs back to the 14th district? 508 00:28:59,490 --> 00:29:02,493 That's a great question, Carl. Thank you for asking it. 509 00:29:02,659 --> 00:29:06,330 It's the first thing I think of when l wake up in the morning... 510 00:29:06,497 --> 00:29:09,500 ...and it's the last thing l think of when l go to bed. 511 00:29:09,666 --> 00:29:14,254 Jobs in North Carolina mean what? A strong North Carolina. 512 00:29:14,421 --> 00:29:18,383 And a strong North Carolina means a strong America. 513 00:29:18,550 --> 00:29:20,969 And that, my friends, is how we're gonna do it. 514 00:29:21,136 --> 00:29:24,306 WOMAN: All right. ROSE: lt's how we do, baby. 515 00:29:24,473 --> 00:29:26,350 -Yeah. -It's how we do. 516 00:29:26,892 --> 00:29:28,185 MAN: You've got my vote, Cam. 517 00:29:30,312 --> 00:29:33,065 Mr. Huggins, you have one minute for a rebuttal. 518 00:29:33,232 --> 00:29:34,733 Just like we rehearsed. 519 00:29:34,900 --> 00:29:38,403 Cam Brady just gave you the old D.C. Dip and Twirl. 520 00:29:38,570 --> 00:29:40,322 Just danced around the question. 521 00:29:40,948 --> 00:29:45,077 Well, I'm here to tell you, North Carolina, that when it comes to jobs for my district... 522 00:29:45,244 --> 00:29:47,329 ...Martin Huggins doesn't dance. 523 00:29:47,496 --> 00:29:51,416 He rolls up his sleeves, puts his sandwich in his lunch pail... 524 00:29:51,583 --> 00:29:54,211 ...and brings jobs to the Tar Heel State. 525 00:29:54,378 --> 00:29:56,004 -Yes! -Yes! 526 00:29:56,171 --> 00:29:57,506 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 527 00:30:00,676 --> 00:30:01,969 What the hell? 528 00:30:04,638 --> 00:30:07,391 Let's bring back corporations to North Carolina. 529 00:30:07,558 --> 00:30:09,518 Let's clean up D.C. 530 00:30:09,685 --> 00:30:13,730 And bring your brooms, because it's a mess. 531 00:30:24,199 --> 00:30:28,370 There was a clear winner in the first debate. Marty Huggins simply electrified this crowd. 532 00:30:28,537 --> 00:30:31,373 Two hours ago, this congressional race was dead on arrival. 533 00:30:31,540 --> 00:30:35,002 TlM: That was real nice, Marty. -I was jacked. l don't know what I was saying. 534 00:30:35,169 --> 00:30:37,796 -Doesn't matter. You killed it. -Marty. Here he is. 535 00:30:37,963 --> 00:30:40,299 Rumpelscrotskin, you been doing so good up there. 536 00:30:40,465 --> 00:30:41,758 Who did this to you? 537 00:30:41,925 --> 00:30:44,094 You could not have been doing this on your own. 538 00:30:44,261 --> 00:30:46,430 Oh. I want you to meet Becky. Becky, this is Marty. 539 00:30:46,597 --> 00:30:48,640 -Hey, Marty. -Hey, Becky. 540 00:30:48,807 --> 00:30:50,017 BECKY: Wow, you were great. 541 00:30:50,184 --> 00:30:52,895 -I thought you were married to Mindy. -I am. This is Becky. 542 00:30:53,061 --> 00:30:55,564 Your brother said l could dance in your campaign video. 543 00:30:55,731 --> 00:30:59,276 I have a lot of experience. I worked for Jumbo's and Crazy Girls. 544 00:30:59,443 --> 00:31:01,570 -Fantastic. -Well, well, well. Tim Wattley. 545 00:31:01,737 --> 00:31:05,866 -You really outdone yourself this time. -Gentlemen. Very spirited debate. 546 00:31:06,033 --> 00:31:07,409 -Hey, Cam. -Hey, Becky. 547 00:31:07,576 --> 00:31:08,619 Hey, Becky. 548 00:31:08,785 --> 00:31:11,497 Well, if you'll excuse us, we've got some babies to kiss. 549 00:31:11,663 --> 00:31:13,040 MITCH: Okay. 550 00:31:13,248 --> 00:31:15,209 It was like l was another person, you know? 551 00:31:15,375 --> 00:31:18,170 I actually have a baby I need to kiss right down there. 552 00:31:18,337 --> 00:31:22,424 TlM: What's the matter with him? CAM: This is my district. That's my baby. 553 00:31:22,591 --> 00:31:25,385 -Excuse me. -Excuse me, please. 554 00:31:26,386 --> 00:31:29,097 Oh. Oh, you don't take a swing at my hair. 555 00:31:32,559 --> 00:31:34,770 You little fucker. 556 00:31:48,492 --> 00:31:50,702 No! 557 00:31:55,707 --> 00:31:57,376 Oh, shit. 558 00:32:04,383 --> 00:32:08,846 Dizarre news coming out of the 1 4th district congressional race in North Carolina. 559 00:32:09,012 --> 00:32:14,393 Now, get this: Cam Drade, four-time congressman, punched a babe. 560 00:32:14,560 --> 00:32:17,980 This is likely to hurt him with the Christian right, social conservatives. 561 00:32:18,146 --> 00:32:20,941 Realle ane group that opposes babe-punching. 562 00:32:21,108 --> 00:32:23,360 Dabe is fine, and he said he punches like a 3-eear-old. 563 00:32:23,527 --> 00:32:24,945 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 564 00:32:25,112 --> 00:32:27,156 After Cam Drade's baby-punching incident... 565 00:32:27,322 --> 00:32:30,659 ...Marte Huggins has jumped 1 1 points in the polls. 566 00:32:31,368 --> 00:32:35,122 That is totally taken out of context. 567 00:32:35,289 --> 00:32:37,583 Well, not really. I mean, you punched that baby. 568 00:32:37,749 --> 00:32:39,668 CAM: Is anyone asking how my hand feels... 569 00:32:39,835 --> 00:32:43,922 ...after punching that iron-like jaw of that baby? 570 00:32:44,089 --> 00:32:46,758 -How is your hand? CAM: l can't even make a fist. 571 00:32:46,925 --> 00:32:49,761 I tell you right now, though, I'm so angered by seeing that... 572 00:32:49,928 --> 00:32:52,431 ...I wish l could go out and punch that baby again. 573 00:32:52,598 --> 00:32:55,976 MITCH: We're getting killed. You're the best campaign-ad guy in the business. 574 00:32:56,143 --> 00:32:59,396 I got something that's gonna help. We tried to take a negative... 575 00:32:59,563 --> 00:33:03,609 ...okay, your recent scandals, and show the positive side of that negative. 576 00:33:04,276 --> 00:33:05,861 Take a look. 577 00:33:06,028 --> 00:33:08,155 NARRATOR [ON TV]: Cam Drady has come under fire... 578 00:33:08,322 --> 00:33:11,450 ...for getting it on with this woman, Shana St. Croix... 579 00:33:11,617 --> 00:33:15,704 ...a former professional cheerleader and part-time aerobics instructor... 580 00:33:15,871 --> 00:33:17,206 ...who can do this. 581 00:33:17,372 --> 00:33:18,707 [SHANA MOANING] 582 00:33:18,874 --> 00:33:20,459 And this. 583 00:33:21,293 --> 00:33:23,212 -Yes, she can. -Okay. 584 00:33:23,378 --> 00:33:25,672 NARRATOR: Shouldn't our leaders be men we admire? 585 00:33:25,839 --> 00:33:29,843 We can go into all the great things Cam's done as a congressman... 586 00:33:30,010 --> 00:33:32,721 ...or we can just show some more of this little honee. 587 00:33:32,930 --> 00:33:34,431 [CHUCKLES] 588 00:33:34,598 --> 00:33:36,141 Vote for Cam Drady... 589 00:33:36,308 --> 00:33:40,312 ...a real American man. 590 00:33:40,938 --> 00:33:43,649 MITCH: l don't know. What do you think? -Oh, I fucking love it. 591 00:33:44,858 --> 00:33:47,194 Shana's gonna love it too. She looks so hot in it. 592 00:33:47,361 --> 00:33:48,403 Jesus, Cam. 593 00:33:48,570 --> 00:33:52,074 Well, let me tell you something. This spot tested through the roof with men. 594 00:33:52,241 --> 00:33:54,159 CAM: l knew it. -Now, here's the downside. 595 00:33:54,326 --> 00:33:55,661 Horrible numbers with women. 596 00:33:55,828 --> 00:33:57,246 MITCH: You don't say. -Horrible? 597 00:33:57,412 --> 00:34:00,123 -Yeah, that's not a surprise to me. -Worst we've ever seen. 598 00:34:00,290 --> 00:34:01,375 CAM: You're kidding me. -No. 599 00:34:01,542 --> 00:34:05,546 -"Worst" as in...? -In the history of numbers. 600 00:34:05,712 --> 00:34:07,047 Yeah, that's lower than l thought. 601 00:34:07,214 --> 00:34:11,552 Okay, now, this is a spot to raise some important questions in the minds of voters. 602 00:34:11,718 --> 00:34:14,221 We're calling it "Homeland lnsecurity." 603 00:34:14,388 --> 00:34:15,764 CAM: Ha, ha. RICK: Check it out. 604 00:34:15,931 --> 00:34:18,141 NARRATOR [ON TV]: Al-Qaeda. The Taliban. 605 00:34:18,308 --> 00:34:20,060 I hate those guys. 606 00:34:20,227 --> 00:34:23,230 NARRATOR: One thing unites all of them in their blood pacts: 607 00:34:23,397 --> 00:34:24,982 facial hair. 608 00:34:25,148 --> 00:34:28,527 There's someone else, North Carolina, that has facial hair: 609 00:34:28,694 --> 00:34:30,070 Marte Huggins. 610 00:34:30,237 --> 00:34:31,280 -Right. RICK: Right? 611 00:34:31,446 --> 00:34:33,615 NARRATOR: Whe doesn't Marty Huggins answer the question? 612 00:34:33,782 --> 00:34:35,576 Is he a Taliban or an al Qaeda? 613 00:34:35,742 --> 00:34:36,827 Are you kidding me? 614 00:34:36,994 --> 00:34:39,663 NARRATOR: Whe does Marte Huggins refuse to take a lie-detector test? 615 00:34:39,830 --> 00:34:40,873 CAM: Why won't he? 616 00:34:41,039 --> 00:34:43,500 NARRATOR: And where exactly was Marty Huggins on 9/1 1 ? 617 00:34:43,667 --> 00:34:45,002 -Bingo. RlCK: Okay. 618 00:34:45,169 --> 00:34:48,130 There's just too mane questions. 619 00:34:49,548 --> 00:34:52,050 Boy, that is solid too. Real solid. 620 00:34:52,217 --> 00:34:54,052 -Yes. MITCH: Uh, Rick, let me ask you this. 621 00:34:54,219 --> 00:34:58,974 Has there been any sort of correlation between Huggins and, heh, lslamic radicals? 622 00:34:59,141 --> 00:35:01,101 -I mean, at all? -None that I know of. 623 00:35:01,268 --> 00:35:04,021 What-- l think what Rick's trying to illustrate with that... 624 00:35:04,188 --> 00:35:07,399 ...is there's still a heck of a lot of questions about this guy. 625 00:35:07,566 --> 00:35:09,651 -Spot on. MITCH: How are we gonna pay for these? 626 00:35:09,818 --> 00:35:13,780 We're gonna run them both. Let's turn the heat up on Mr. Marty Huggins. 627 00:35:13,947 --> 00:35:15,824 [LAUGHING] 628 00:35:15,991 --> 00:35:19,328 Gentlemen, we're really counting on your support. 629 00:35:19,870 --> 00:35:25,334 The guys at Goldman Sachs are prepared to donate $500,000 to your super PAC. 630 00:35:25,501 --> 00:35:28,545 Provided, of course, you pick up the phone any time we call. 631 00:35:28,712 --> 00:35:30,130 That's not gonna be a problem. 632 00:35:30,297 --> 00:35:32,925 If you give us a million, hell, I'll let you sleep with my wife. 633 00:35:33,091 --> 00:35:34,968 [CHUCKLING] 634 00:35:35,177 --> 00:35:39,806 -And for 1 .5, l'll throw in my cousin. -I don't know if you want her cousin. 635 00:35:39,973 --> 00:35:41,225 That might drive the price down. 636 00:35:41,391 --> 00:35:43,143 -No, she lost weight. -Oh. 637 00:35:43,310 --> 00:35:46,271 Mrs. Brady, are you playing footsie with me under the table? 638 00:35:46,438 --> 00:35:47,564 Nope, that's me. 639 00:35:47,731 --> 00:35:49,483 [ALL CHUCKLING] 640 00:35:49,650 --> 00:35:51,652 He's a switch-hitter. 641 00:35:51,860 --> 00:35:53,570 -Oh, no. CAM: No, no. 642 00:35:53,737 --> 00:35:58,784 No. I did once. I did once, in college. Yes. Which we've never talked about. 643 00:35:59,785 --> 00:36:02,162 It goes without saying, this lunch never happened. 644 00:36:02,329 --> 00:36:04,206 [ALL LAUGHING] 645 00:36:06,667 --> 00:36:08,877 MAN 1 : This question is for the congressman. 646 00:36:09,044 --> 00:36:14,508 Why have you consistently voted against campaign-finance reform? 647 00:36:14,675 --> 00:36:15,717 ALL: Yeah. 648 00:36:15,884 --> 00:36:18,387 MAN 1 : We all know big money is running this country. 649 00:36:18,554 --> 00:36:20,848 MAN 2: That's right. -Do they run you? 650 00:36:21,014 --> 00:36:22,891 ALL: Yeah! 651 00:36:23,600 --> 00:36:24,643 CAM: Hold on. 652 00:36:24,810 --> 00:36:29,273 Why don't we stop all the softball questions and ask some real questions, okay? 653 00:36:29,439 --> 00:36:32,901 Like why won't Marty Huggins here take a lie-detector test? 654 00:36:33,068 --> 00:36:34,903 -Yeah. Take the test. JESSICA: Yeah. 655 00:36:35,070 --> 00:36:38,115 -Yeah. -Is he an al Qaeda? ls he a Taliban? 656 00:36:38,282 --> 00:36:40,409 Congressman, please. 657 00:36:40,576 --> 00:36:43,704 I've seen a mustache like that before, and you know who wore it? 658 00:36:43,871 --> 00:36:45,247 Saddam Hussein. 659 00:36:45,414 --> 00:36:50,085 And I believe we never caught two of his sons, Uday and Falafel. 660 00:36:50,294 --> 00:36:51,795 [AUDIENCE CHUCKLES] 661 00:36:51,962 --> 00:36:54,256 I am not beholden to Cam Brady's accusations. 662 00:36:54,423 --> 00:36:55,924 I am beholden to only one man... 663 00:36:56,091 --> 00:36:58,802 ...and that is the greatest American that has ever lived: 664 00:36:58,969 --> 00:37:03,390 Jesus Christ. Who happened to have a mustache. 665 00:37:03,557 --> 00:37:07,311 There you go, Marty. Amen, Marty. Jesus loves you, Marty. 666 00:37:07,895 --> 00:37:09,688 Cam Brady, is it true... 667 00:37:09,855 --> 00:37:13,150 ...that you have not been to church in over nine months? 668 00:37:13,317 --> 00:37:16,695 MAN 3: Good question. CAM: First of all, my relationship to God... 669 00:37:16,862 --> 00:37:19,948 ...is not measured by taking attendance. 670 00:37:21,408 --> 00:37:22,451 MAN 4: Hallelujah. 671 00:37:22,618 --> 00:37:26,705 Well, as a Christian, l guess that it would be easy for you to recite the Lord's Prayer. 672 00:37:26,872 --> 00:37:30,250 Is that what we're resorting to here? Gestapo tactics? 673 00:37:30,417 --> 00:37:31,668 MAN 5: I would like to hear that. 674 00:37:31,835 --> 00:37:34,087 Would you like to hear him say the Lord's Prayer? 675 00:37:35,672 --> 00:37:37,841 MAN 6: You heard the man. -Fine, l'm happy to. Ahem. 676 00:37:38,008 --> 00:37:41,011 If the media wouldn't mind turning off their recording devices... 677 00:37:41,178 --> 00:37:44,973 ...and closing their eyes as well, we can start with the Lord's Prayer. 678 00:37:45,140 --> 00:37:47,226 Our father... 679 00:37:48,101 --> 00:37:50,395 ...Art, who is up in heaven... 680 00:37:50,562 --> 00:37:52,564 ...aloe vera be thy name.... 681 00:37:52,731 --> 00:37:54,608 [AUDIENCE MURMURING] 682 00:37:55,192 --> 00:37:56,527 -[MOUTHS] Thy. Thy. CAM: The thigh. 683 00:37:57,361 --> 00:37:59,279 Thy kingdom.... 684 00:37:59,446 --> 00:38:01,782 Thy kingdom come. 685 00:38:02,366 --> 00:38:03,450 The magic kingdom. 686 00:38:03,617 --> 00:38:05,285 AS it is on earth... 687 00:38:05,994 --> 00:38:07,663 ...in a helicopter. 688 00:38:07,830 --> 00:38:10,207 Give us this day our daily... 689 00:38:10,874 --> 00:38:13,335 ...pizza and let us digest it. 690 00:38:13,502 --> 00:38:15,629 Forgive us.... 691 00:38:16,713 --> 00:38:18,215 Pass. 692 00:38:18,382 --> 00:38:23,720 Forgive our passes we commit sometimes on womenfolk... 693 00:38:23,887 --> 00:38:28,267 ...with their dresses that are too tight. Like, that's a nice caboose you got on your-- 694 00:38:28,433 --> 00:38:29,476 [AUDIENCE MURMURING] 695 00:38:29,643 --> 00:38:31,979 You know what? That's not part of it, I know that. 696 00:38:32,688 --> 00:38:34,231 Keep your heads bowed, please. 697 00:38:34,398 --> 00:38:37,359 Forgive us for trespassing... 698 00:38:37,526 --> 00:38:39,945 ...and do not lead us to the Temptations. 699 00:38:40,112 --> 00:38:43,031 Because we are tired of them and their dancing. 700 00:38:43,532 --> 00:38:48,287 And deliver us from evil with your mighty sword and falcon... 701 00:38:48,453 --> 00:38:50,164 ...forever and ever and ever. Amen. 702 00:38:50,330 --> 00:38:52,166 ALL: Amen. 703 00:38:52,583 --> 00:38:54,418 -That wasn't right. MAN 7: He doesn't know it. 704 00:38:54,585 --> 00:38:57,171 -He does not know the Lord's Prayer. -It's pretty close. 705 00:38:57,337 --> 00:38:58,714 I know the essence. 706 00:38:58,881 --> 00:39:04,052 I think we can all agree. Cam Brady, he's a mess. 707 00:39:04,219 --> 00:39:07,764 All l know, if you say, "It's a mess," you don't support our troops. 708 00:39:07,931 --> 00:39:10,350 Cam Brady '012. I was the last one to say something. 709 00:39:10,517 --> 00:39:11,560 Yeah, baby. 710 00:39:11,727 --> 00:39:16,607 AUDlENCE [CHANTING]: Marte! Marty! Marte! Marty! Marte! Marty! 711 00:39:16,940 --> 00:39:20,903 You want a holy war, little man? You got one. 712 00:39:21,111 --> 00:39:24,406 [ALL SINGING GOSPEL MUSIC] 713 00:39:24,573 --> 00:39:29,411 -Every dae -Every dae would be Sunday 714 00:39:29,912 --> 00:39:32,372 Thank you for having me at your congregation. 715 00:39:32,539 --> 00:39:37,628 First time I've worn a Yamaha. lt fits nicely. How do you say "It's a mess" in Hebrew? 716 00:39:37,794 --> 00:39:38,837 [SPEAKS IN HEBREW] 717 00:39:39,004 --> 00:39:40,047 Donkey Kong? 718 00:39:40,589 --> 00:39:42,591 [SNAKES HISSlNG] 719 00:39:42,799 --> 00:39:44,927 I have the faith in me. 720 00:39:45,093 --> 00:39:46,470 ALL: Hallelujah. -Yeah. All right. 721 00:39:46,637 --> 00:39:49,223 Mitch, l could do this forever. These snakes love me. 722 00:39:49,431 --> 00:39:51,016 [CAM YELLS] 723 00:39:51,558 --> 00:39:54,895 Goddamn it. Fucking son of a fuck. 724 00:39:55,062 --> 00:39:58,440 Oh, the fucking cunt-ass serpent bit me! 725 00:39:58,982 --> 00:40:04,404 Oh, jam a lit sparkler up my dickhole. That is painful. 726 00:40:04,571 --> 00:40:08,283 Staple my tits to my balls and then do sit-ups. lt hurts. 727 00:40:08,450 --> 00:40:12,287 Sir, words like that have never been spoken in this room. 728 00:40:12,454 --> 00:40:15,874 But the fucker bit me. I'm sorry, the snake bit me. 729 00:40:16,041 --> 00:40:20,045 -Which means you don't have the faith of God. -Yeah-- Yes, l do. 730 00:40:20,212 --> 00:40:24,800 God has removed the venom from my blood and the blasphemy from my heart. 731 00:40:25,259 --> 00:40:28,095 -It's a miracle. -It's a miracle. 732 00:40:28,262 --> 00:40:30,389 ALL: Hallelujah. 733 00:40:31,765 --> 00:40:36,019 -I can't feel anything. It's F'd up. -Hey, you okay? 734 00:40:37,479 --> 00:40:40,274 Hey, Cam. Come on, we gotta go. 735 00:40:40,440 --> 00:40:43,986 I feel like l'm maintaining. Am l maintaining, Mitch? 736 00:40:44,153 --> 00:40:48,240 -No, you're not. You look horrible. Come on. -Let's get a couple of burritos. 737 00:40:48,448 --> 00:40:50,284 [ALL LAUGHING] 738 00:40:50,450 --> 00:40:51,493 [GROANS] 739 00:40:53,036 --> 00:40:54,872 [YELLING] 740 00:40:55,038 --> 00:40:56,582 [ALL GASP] 741 00:40:56,748 --> 00:40:58,667 Oh, my God. 742 00:40:58,876 --> 00:40:59,918 [CAM MOANlNG] 743 00:41:00,085 --> 00:41:02,504 Don't worry, we're gonna get you home, get you a couple Advil. 744 00:41:02,671 --> 00:41:03,839 You'll be right as rain, okay? 745 00:41:04,006 --> 00:41:06,842 Now, a poll conducted this afternoon shows the congressman... 746 00:41:07,009 --> 00:41:09,803 ...getting a two-point bump from the incident. 747 00:41:09,970 --> 00:41:13,182 REPORTER: Whe were you handling dangerous snakes without a professional present? 748 00:41:13,348 --> 00:41:14,391 For the poops. 749 00:41:14,558 --> 00:41:16,101 Mitzi, look at this. 750 00:41:16,268 --> 00:41:18,770 Cam Brady got a two-point bump out of a-- 751 00:41:18,937 --> 00:41:23,525 -I was watching that. -No, Marty. We have to talk. 752 00:41:23,692 --> 00:41:26,528 You're never home, and when you are, it's all politics. 753 00:41:26,695 --> 00:41:28,989 Gosh, I am so flustered. 754 00:41:29,156 --> 00:41:31,575 Everybody's got me running every which way but loose. 755 00:41:31,742 --> 00:41:35,746 I just wanna get back to the basics. I miss you. 756 00:41:36,747 --> 00:41:39,958 Let's just have one night like we used to. 757 00:41:40,125 --> 00:41:42,628 No Tim Wattley. 758 00:41:42,794 --> 00:41:44,671 Just the family. 759 00:41:44,838 --> 00:41:47,132 That sounds like a little slice of heaven. 760 00:41:55,307 --> 00:41:57,100 [LAUGHING] 761 00:42:04,107 --> 00:42:05,192 [MARTY SHRIEKS] 762 00:42:06,026 --> 00:42:08,028 [ALL LAUGHING] 763 00:42:13,367 --> 00:42:16,036 What the fuck is going on in here? 764 00:42:16,203 --> 00:42:19,998 You kids go upstairs, wash your filthy faces, and get to bed. 765 00:42:20,165 --> 00:42:21,208 Hurry up! 766 00:42:21,375 --> 00:42:23,544 Are you gonna let him talk to our children that way? 767 00:42:23,710 --> 00:42:26,672 -Let me handle this. -I know you're Marty's wife, but l swear... 768 00:42:26,839 --> 00:42:28,423 ...get out before I lose my shit. 769 00:42:28,590 --> 00:42:30,175 -Marty. -Now, Mr. Wattley. 770 00:42:30,342 --> 00:42:35,222 Marty, I need you kicking Cam's balls in on a daily basis. 771 00:42:35,389 --> 00:42:40,060 And I come here and find you playing Hee Haw with the fuck-around gang. 772 00:42:40,227 --> 00:42:44,356 -Oh, he's drunk. You're drunk. TlM: Yeah, l'm a little lit. So what? 773 00:42:44,523 --> 00:42:48,443 You have an opportunity to win this thing. 774 00:42:50,404 --> 00:42:51,864 Do you really think so? 775 00:42:52,030 --> 00:42:55,993 You promised me this dog could hunt. 776 00:42:58,162 --> 00:43:00,205 Can you do that? 777 00:43:01,039 --> 00:43:02,875 Yes, l can, Mr. Wattley. 778 00:43:05,627 --> 00:43:07,045 That's my boy. 779 00:43:08,338 --> 00:43:12,092 I think I'm gonna take the children and go stay at my mother's for the night. 780 00:43:12,259 --> 00:43:14,678 Mitzi, this will all be over as soon as I win, okay? 781 00:43:14,845 --> 00:43:16,013 I promise. 782 00:43:16,180 --> 00:43:21,435 Just remember, Marty, what you're giving up for what you're getting. 783 00:43:25,105 --> 00:43:27,065 [TIM CHUCKLES] 784 00:43:27,232 --> 00:43:28,817 TIM: Come here. 785 00:43:29,443 --> 00:43:30,486 [KNOCK ON DOOR] 786 00:43:30,652 --> 00:43:31,695 Yeah? 787 00:43:33,363 --> 00:43:36,116 -Hey, Dad. CAM: Hey, Camo, what's going on? 788 00:43:36,283 --> 00:43:39,620 Hey, uh, l just wanna let you know that I'm running for class president. 789 00:43:40,078 --> 00:43:43,499 Good for you. Come on in, have a seat. 790 00:43:43,665 --> 00:43:47,002 So, uh, what are the issues you're gonna run on? Figure that out yet? 791 00:43:47,169 --> 00:43:49,922 No, no, that's boring. Nobody really cares about that. 792 00:43:51,006 --> 00:43:52,549 But l did spread a rumor... 793 00:43:52,716 --> 00:43:56,303 ...that my opponent, Tommy Monahan, may or may not have a vagina. 794 00:43:57,346 --> 00:44:00,390 -That could work, yeah. -It will work. 795 00:44:00,557 --> 00:44:03,810 Win at all costs, right, Dad? You taught me that. 796 00:44:03,977 --> 00:44:06,563 -Yeah, l guess I did. -Learned from the best. 797 00:44:06,730 --> 00:44:08,440 [CHUCKLES] 798 00:44:08,649 --> 00:44:10,442 [HEART'S "THESE DREAMS" PLAYING ON CAR STEREO] 799 00:44:10,609 --> 00:44:14,321 These dreams go on when l close me eees 800 00:44:14,488 --> 00:44:16,114 Every sec- 801 00:44:20,160 --> 00:44:22,496 Cam Brady. 802 00:44:22,663 --> 00:44:24,832 What are you doing here? lt's 1 1 :00 at night. 803 00:44:24,998 --> 00:44:28,585 I know. But, uh-- But we need to talk. 804 00:44:29,670 --> 00:44:31,463 What is this we have here? 805 00:44:31,630 --> 00:44:36,593 It's a small-batch bourbon. By-product of the prohibition days. 806 00:44:37,094 --> 00:44:40,931 Mm. Oh, wow. Thank you. That is smooth. 807 00:44:42,391 --> 00:44:44,351 -It's good. -It's good, yeah. 808 00:44:47,145 --> 00:44:50,190 -Ah. -Well.... 809 00:44:51,233 --> 00:44:52,776 [PANTING] 810 00:44:53,277 --> 00:44:56,363 -Are they okay? -What's that? 811 00:44:56,530 --> 00:44:57,865 Your Chinese dogs. 812 00:44:59,032 --> 00:45:02,870 Well, pugs were bred with, uh, short snouts... 813 00:45:03,078 --> 00:45:06,790 -Mm. -...so they could lock in and take down lions. 814 00:45:07,416 --> 00:45:09,960 I find that hard to believe. Heh. 815 00:45:10,169 --> 00:45:12,838 You can Google it. lt's worth a Google. 816 00:45:13,589 --> 00:45:18,802 Marty, I was thinking we could make this campaign a little more civil... 817 00:45:18,969 --> 00:45:22,472 ...if there were some way that you and l could become friends. 818 00:45:22,639 --> 00:45:24,641 Well, I appreciate you saying that, Cam. 819 00:45:24,808 --> 00:45:29,354 The meanness and the nastiness needs to stop. 820 00:45:29,980 --> 00:45:35,110 I mean, this race is for the people, isn't it? It shouldn't be about us. 821 00:45:35,319 --> 00:45:36,987 [DOGS PANTING AND GRUNTING] 822 00:45:39,990 --> 00:45:42,409 Do your dogs ever go to a different room? 823 00:45:42,576 --> 00:45:45,579 -No, I like to have them nearby. -Oh. 824 00:45:46,622 --> 00:45:49,708 You know when I first got into politics? 825 00:45:50,459 --> 00:45:52,377 The fifth grade. Heh. 826 00:45:52,544 --> 00:45:55,714 Out on the playground, there was this jaggedy old jungle gym. 827 00:45:57,257 --> 00:46:00,886 Rusty, sharp edges. We used to call it Jim the Ripper. 828 00:46:01,053 --> 00:46:03,639 It got me pretty good. 829 00:46:03,805 --> 00:46:07,017 Yeah, l remember that old jungle gym. 830 00:46:07,518 --> 00:46:09,186 Thank you. 831 00:46:09,937 --> 00:46:11,271 MARTY: You're welcome. 832 00:46:11,438 --> 00:46:16,860 Well, in the fifth grade, I ran for class president... 833 00:46:17,027 --> 00:46:18,487 ...under one promise: 834 00:46:18,654 --> 00:46:22,825 to take down the jaggede jungle gem. 835 00:46:23,492 --> 00:46:24,827 [CHEERING] 836 00:46:24,993 --> 00:46:26,203 And l won. 837 00:46:26,370 --> 00:46:28,747 Well, that's a heartwarming story, Cam. 838 00:46:33,836 --> 00:46:34,878 CAM: Ah. 839 00:46:38,465 --> 00:46:40,300 Thank you. 840 00:46:40,467 --> 00:46:41,844 -Thanks. -Thank you. 841 00:46:42,010 --> 00:46:43,804 We are-- 842 00:46:43,971 --> 00:46:46,181 We are definitely going to CancГєn. 843 00:46:47,474 --> 00:46:49,601 And you're not gonna pay for a thing. 844 00:46:49,768 --> 00:46:51,478 -Bye, Marty. -Heh. 845 00:46:51,645 --> 00:46:53,814 -Hey, Cam? -Yeah? 846 00:46:53,981 --> 00:46:56,775 -Are you okay? -Yeah, you too. 847 00:46:56,942 --> 00:46:58,068 Oh, man. Whew. 848 00:46:58,235 --> 00:46:59,778 [HEART'S "THESE DREAMS" RESUMES PLAYING] 849 00:46:59,945 --> 00:47:02,489 [ENGINE REVS AND TIRES SCREECH] 850 00:47:04,533 --> 00:47:06,660 You know what to do, Marty. 851 00:47:11,540 --> 00:47:12,875 WOMAN [OVER PHONE]: Hammond Police. 852 00:47:13,041 --> 00:47:16,086 Yes, l'd like to report a drunk driver, please. 853 00:47:16,253 --> 00:47:21,592 [SlNGlNG TO HEART'S "BARRACUDA"] He's going to D-D.C. to be VP 854 00:47:21,800 --> 00:47:22,843 Whoo! 855 00:47:23,010 --> 00:47:24,511 Darracuda 856 00:47:24,678 --> 00:47:27,181 [SIREN WAILING] [CAM LAUGHING] 857 00:47:27,347 --> 00:47:30,684 Oh, fuck. Fuck me. 858 00:47:30,893 --> 00:47:33,061 [CHATTERING OVER POLICE RADIO] 859 00:47:38,817 --> 00:47:41,945 -In God we must. OFFICER: Sir, please get out of the vehicle. 860 00:47:42,112 --> 00:47:43,906 You have a great night. 861 00:47:44,072 --> 00:47:45,407 -Sir? -Huh? 862 00:47:45,574 --> 00:47:48,577 -Please get out of the vehicle. -Get out of the-- You know what? Absolutely. 863 00:47:48,744 --> 00:47:51,955 And thank you for doing your job. I appreciate it. 864 00:47:52,122 --> 00:47:56,293 Also, thank you for releasing me upon my own recognizance. 865 00:48:00,339 --> 00:48:01,673 Sir, have you been drinking? 866 00:48:01,840 --> 00:48:04,676 Yes, l have. I've had five or six small-batch bourbons. 867 00:48:04,843 --> 00:48:07,513 That's a lot. l'm gonna have to ask you to take a Breathalyzer test. 868 00:48:07,679 --> 00:48:08,805 CAM: Mm-hm. 869 00:48:08,972 --> 00:48:12,309 We got a runner. Stop running! 870 00:48:13,352 --> 00:48:15,270 [CAM YELLS] [THUDDING] 871 00:48:15,437 --> 00:48:19,358 CAM: Try to catch me, Ranger Rick. -Stop! 872 00:48:20,526 --> 00:48:23,779 CAM: Oh, yeah. Okay. Oh, yeah. 873 00:48:23,946 --> 00:48:25,072 Oh, whoo! 874 00:48:25,239 --> 00:48:27,282 -Chase. -Stop the vehicle! Stop the vehicle! 875 00:48:27,449 --> 00:48:29,535 CAM: Oh, I can't believe he fell for it. Sucker! 876 00:48:29,701 --> 00:48:30,744 [SIREN WAILING] 877 00:48:30,911 --> 00:48:33,288 Oh, this thing's got a lot of pickup. Whoo! 878 00:48:33,455 --> 00:48:37,209 Feels wild. Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! 879 00:48:37,376 --> 00:48:40,003 This was a great idea. I'm home free. 880 00:48:40,170 --> 00:48:42,089 Whoa! Whoa! 881 00:48:42,256 --> 00:48:43,423 [COW MOOS] 882 00:48:43,590 --> 00:48:45,592 Oh, shit. 883 00:48:49,054 --> 00:48:50,556 -He set me up, Mitch. MITCH: l know it. 884 00:48:50,722 --> 00:48:53,517 I mean, I show one moment of weakness and he strikes like a cobra. 885 00:48:53,684 --> 00:48:54,726 Son of a bitch. 886 00:48:54,893 --> 00:48:56,144 -Never again. -Mm-hm. 887 00:49:06,613 --> 00:49:07,781 I'm an American. 888 00:49:07,948 --> 00:49:09,199 [AUDIENCE CHEERS] 889 00:49:09,366 --> 00:49:13,245 And I believe in American ingenuity and hard work. 890 00:49:13,412 --> 00:49:15,205 Unlike my friend here, Cam Brady... 891 00:49:15,372 --> 00:49:18,041 ...who believes that everyone should live in Rainbow Land. 892 00:49:18,208 --> 00:49:19,585 [AUDIENCE BOOS] 893 00:49:19,751 --> 00:49:23,255 Douglas, l'd like to say one thing. I'm an American too. 894 00:49:23,422 --> 00:49:28,010 And I have no idea what he's referring to as Rainbow Land, okay? 895 00:49:28,177 --> 00:49:31,430 I'm referring to a 1 3-page doctrine... 896 00:49:31,597 --> 00:49:34,558 ...written by Camden Brady... 897 00:49:34,725 --> 00:49:36,310 ...called Rainbow Land. 898 00:49:36,476 --> 00:49:38,937 That's something I wrote in the second grade. 899 00:49:39,646 --> 00:49:43,025 I think anybody that writes about the redistribution of wealth... 900 00:49:43,192 --> 00:49:45,944 ...sounds like a communist to me. 901 00:49:46,487 --> 00:49:48,155 -Am l right? -Hold on. 902 00:49:48,322 --> 00:49:53,452 It is the simple story of a teddy bear giving a pot of gold to a leprechaun, okay? 903 00:49:53,619 --> 00:49:56,830 -That's right. -May I read from Page 7? 904 00:49:56,997 --> 00:49:58,457 WOMAN 1 : Don't listen to him, Cam. 905 00:49:58,624 --> 00:50:01,502 "Please come with me to Rainbow Land... 906 00:50:01,668 --> 00:50:05,422 ...where unicorns are made of fudge and cotton candy... 907 00:50:05,589 --> 00:50:07,341 ...and everything is free." 908 00:50:07,508 --> 00:50:10,928 It's a fictitious place. Rainbow Land, it's fiction. 909 00:50:11,094 --> 00:50:13,764 I guess we're all idiots according to Cam Brady. 910 00:50:13,931 --> 00:50:17,976 -I didn't say that. I did not say that. MAN 1 : Hey! Hey! 911 00:50:18,143 --> 00:50:20,938 I do not want to live in Rainbow Land... 912 00:50:21,104 --> 00:50:24,483 ...and you can't make me live in Rainbow Land. 913 00:50:24,650 --> 00:50:26,693 MAN 2: Yeah. -This is America. 914 00:50:26,860 --> 00:50:28,904 You do not have to live in Rainbow Land. 915 00:50:29,071 --> 00:50:31,657 -You can go to Rainbow Land. -It does not exist. 916 00:50:31,824 --> 00:50:35,118 It's a fictitious place. I was 8. It's from a child's imagination. 917 00:50:35,285 --> 00:50:38,205 -It's right here in his communist manifesto. WOMAN 2: Oh, come on. 918 00:50:38,372 --> 00:50:41,375 -I won't go to Rainbow Land. MAN 3: Sit down. 919 00:50:41,542 --> 00:50:45,712 I said, sit the fuck down. It doesn't exist. 920 00:50:45,879 --> 00:50:48,298 Go back to where you're from, dick. 921 00:50:48,465 --> 00:50:50,384 It's not a real place! 922 00:50:50,551 --> 00:50:53,762 How many times do l gotta say it? It's not real! 923 00:50:54,847 --> 00:50:56,557 -What is he pointing at? -Don't worry. 924 00:50:56,723 --> 00:50:58,475 -Is he pointing at me? -He sure the fuck is. 925 00:50:58,642 --> 00:51:01,436 MARTY: Cam, you're a communist. -He's talking shit about me again? 926 00:51:01,603 --> 00:51:03,272 -You pointing at me? -What? 927 00:51:03,438 --> 00:51:05,274 -You pointing at me? You talking to me? -Huh? 928 00:51:05,440 --> 00:51:07,776 -Fucking dickhead! -What are you doing? Cam, no. 929 00:51:07,943 --> 00:51:09,820 CAM: What did you--? MITCH: No. No! 930 00:51:13,949 --> 00:51:15,242 No, no, no! 931 00:51:18,036 --> 00:51:21,206 Your nickname in school was Tickle Shits. I'm gonna see if it's true. 932 00:51:21,373 --> 00:51:23,000 Don't you shit your pants, Marty. 933 00:51:23,167 --> 00:51:24,585 -Don't! Ha, ha! TlM: Go for his hair. 934 00:51:24,751 --> 00:51:27,379 -You do not touch the hair. -Don't you touch my hair. 935 00:51:27,546 --> 00:51:30,007 -It's a $900 haircut. MITCH: Don't talk about that, Cam. 936 00:51:30,174 --> 00:51:32,259 I'm gonna kill you. 937 00:51:42,102 --> 00:51:46,148 Remember the politician that punched a baby? Well, he's at it again. 938 00:51:46,315 --> 00:51:49,735 He punched Uggie, the dog from the Academy Award-winning film The Artist. 939 00:51:49,902 --> 00:51:52,654 Marte Huggins is solidly ahead. 940 00:51:52,821 --> 00:51:56,617 Rainbow Land is now number six on Amazon.com. 941 00:51:57,159 --> 00:52:00,329 Why would you do this? You just killed the campaign. 942 00:52:00,496 --> 00:52:02,998 You're five points down. You can't win this. 943 00:52:03,165 --> 00:52:05,584 I told you, I don't truck with losers. 944 00:52:05,751 --> 00:52:08,670 Plus, I got offered a lobbying job in D.C. for Motch brothers. 945 00:52:08,837 --> 00:52:10,005 -The Motch brothers? -Yup. 946 00:52:10,172 --> 00:52:12,549 You know what they're trying to do. Get you to leave me. 947 00:52:12,716 --> 00:52:14,510 ROSE: You got your baton, baby? JESSICA: Yeah. 948 00:52:14,676 --> 00:52:16,637 Come on, baby, we're a team. You're my rock. 949 00:52:16,803 --> 00:52:18,972 [THREE 6 MAFIA'S "AZZ & TITTIEZ" PLAYING ON CAR STEREO] 950 00:52:19,139 --> 00:52:20,474 You're dragging me down, baby. 951 00:52:20,641 --> 00:52:23,310 What if my poll numbers go up? Will you come back? 952 00:52:24,269 --> 00:52:27,231 I hate to do this to you, buddy, but we got bigger problems. 953 00:52:28,857 --> 00:52:31,193 I think you need to see this. 954 00:52:31,360 --> 00:52:35,197 NARRATOR [ON TV]: Congressman Cam Drady claims to be a famile man. 955 00:52:35,364 --> 00:52:36,949 What a nice day we've had. 956 00:52:37,115 --> 00:52:39,409 -Cam Jr.? -Mm-hm. 957 00:52:39,576 --> 00:52:42,913 -The batting cages, the water park. MITCH: Must be a hidden-camera situation. 958 00:52:43,080 --> 00:52:45,457 MARTY: You were doing cannonballs. You were good at those. 959 00:52:45,624 --> 00:52:48,168 CAM JR.: Yeah. -Seeing any girls eet? 960 00:52:48,335 --> 00:52:50,212 -What is he doing? CAM JR.: Sort of. 961 00:52:50,379 --> 00:52:53,799 Must be tough having eour dad not be around that much, you know? 962 00:52:53,966 --> 00:52:56,510 What is he talking about? I'm around too much. 963 00:52:56,677 --> 00:52:57,886 I could be eour dad. 964 00:52:59,805 --> 00:53:02,891 -You can call me "Dad." -No. 965 00:53:03,058 --> 00:53:05,769 MARTY: Go ahead, try. -No, don't do it. 966 00:53:05,936 --> 00:53:07,855 -No, I'm your daddy. MARTY: Go ahead. 967 00:53:11,692 --> 00:53:13,569 -Dad. -Oh, shit. 968 00:53:13,735 --> 00:53:15,904 MARTY: There you go. That wasn't bad. 969 00:53:17,239 --> 00:53:21,618 I'm Marte Huggins, and l regretfulle approve this message. 970 00:53:22,870 --> 00:53:24,079 Love you, Cam Jr. 971 00:53:24,246 --> 00:53:28,959 NARRATOR: Marty Huggins, the father Cam Drady will never be. 972 00:53:30,127 --> 00:53:33,380 MITCH: Just take it easy. All right? Just take a deep breath. 973 00:53:33,547 --> 00:53:36,508 Now, we ought to think about how we gonna get back, okay? 974 00:53:36,675 --> 00:53:39,428 But we can't let emotion cloud our judgment, okay? 975 00:53:39,595 --> 00:53:42,681 We gotta think logically here. Now, what do you wanna do? 976 00:53:42,848 --> 00:53:44,516 I'm gonna fuck his wife. 977 00:53:44,683 --> 00:53:47,686 Great. No. No, you can't do that. No, no, no. 978 00:53:47,853 --> 00:53:51,106 I'm gonna fuck his wife, and I'm gonna go put it on television. 979 00:53:51,273 --> 00:53:53,108 No. Okay, you definitely can't do that. 980 00:53:53,275 --> 00:53:56,361 First part, maybe, but the second part, definitely not. 981 00:53:56,528 --> 00:53:57,696 -Oh, yeah? -Yeah. 982 00:53:57,863 --> 00:54:02,576 You get my son to call you "Daddy," I fuck your wife. 983 00:54:02,743 --> 00:54:04,703 -That's the deal? -That is the deal. 984 00:54:04,870 --> 00:54:06,038 What are you pointing at? 985 00:54:06,205 --> 00:54:09,708 -Got a book of bad ideas? -I got a book of good ideas. That's the first one. 986 00:54:09,875 --> 00:54:12,836 Get my son to call you "Daddy"... 987 00:54:13,337 --> 00:54:15,964 ...turn the page, it says, "Fuck your wife." 988 00:54:16,131 --> 00:54:18,217 Okay, let's talk about this. 989 00:54:18,425 --> 00:54:20,511 [AUDIENCE CHEERING ON TV] 990 00:54:20,677 --> 00:54:23,013 Welcome back, everybody, to The Price Is Right. 991 00:54:23,180 --> 00:54:24,431 George Gray, who's next, please? 992 00:54:24,598 --> 00:54:25,933 [KNOCK ON DOOR] 993 00:54:26,099 --> 00:54:27,851 Coming. 994 00:54:32,272 --> 00:54:33,816 Congressman Brady. 995 00:54:33,982 --> 00:54:37,069 Marty's down at the tourism office, so.... 996 00:54:37,236 --> 00:54:39,655 I really like your hair. 997 00:54:39,822 --> 00:54:41,406 It's very Katie Couric. 998 00:54:42,282 --> 00:54:44,034 Thank you. 999 00:54:45,577 --> 00:54:47,496 May I come in and use your phone? 1000 00:54:49,998 --> 00:54:51,041 [PLAYING MELLOW JAZZ MUSlC] 1001 00:54:51,208 --> 00:54:57,589 Cal Tjader. Best known for starting the samba-salsa jazz craze. 1002 00:54:57,756 --> 00:55:03,804 Yet sadly, was not recognized for a Grammy for over 40 years. 1003 00:55:07,057 --> 00:55:10,936 I find it tragic when someone isn't recognized for perfection. 1004 00:55:11,353 --> 00:55:13,981 That's very interesting. 1005 00:55:14,148 --> 00:55:16,108 Tell me something about you. 1006 00:55:17,151 --> 00:55:19,903 Oh, uh, well, l love owls. 1007 00:55:20,070 --> 00:55:22,239 I collect them, you know. Not real ones, of course. 1008 00:55:22,406 --> 00:55:24,283 But l got some porcelain or maybe china ones. 1009 00:55:24,449 --> 00:55:25,492 [DOGS PANTING AND GROWLING] 1010 00:55:25,659 --> 00:55:29,621 There's some pretty grumpy ones too that kind of have those big eyebrows, like-- 1011 00:55:29,788 --> 00:55:32,082 Oh, God, I know exactly what you're talking about. 1012 00:55:32,249 --> 00:55:34,459 -I'm gonna let these little fellas out. -Oh. 1013 00:55:34,626 --> 00:55:37,421 Come on, little buddies. Come on. 1014 00:55:41,508 --> 00:55:43,177 Get out, you little fuckers. 1015 00:55:44,761 --> 00:55:47,014 They are tiny little munchkin butts, aren't they? 1016 00:55:47,181 --> 00:55:49,850 They're Marty's dogs. They don't listen to me. 1017 00:55:50,392 --> 00:55:53,604 Well, I don't understand that, because l find you fascinating. 1018 00:55:53,770 --> 00:55:55,230 Oh, thank you. 1019 00:55:55,898 --> 00:55:58,650 Mitzi, l'm gonna cut to the chase. 1020 00:56:00,235 --> 00:56:02,488 I've had feelings for you. 1021 00:56:05,407 --> 00:56:08,827 -Are we doing what l think we're doing? -I don't know. 1022 00:56:08,994 --> 00:56:13,290 I tell you right now, my heart is beating like a phone book in a dryer... 1023 00:56:13,457 --> 00:56:17,586 ...and I'm so afraid of what's about to happen. 1024 00:56:17,753 --> 00:56:20,005 What's about to happen? 1025 00:56:20,881 --> 00:56:22,341 This. 1026 00:56:29,556 --> 00:56:34,394 Ooh. 1027 00:56:34,561 --> 00:56:36,480 -Ooh! -Oh. 1028 00:56:36,647 --> 00:56:41,068 I want you to put my head in the freezer while you do me from behind. 1029 00:56:41,235 --> 00:56:45,322 -Hold on, hold on. lsn't the freezer too high? -I'll get a stool! 1030 00:56:45,781 --> 00:56:49,201 CAM: Easy. Easy, Mitzi. Easy. 1031 00:56:49,368 --> 00:56:52,496 NARRATOR [ON TV]: The following commercial is rated TV-MA for mature audiences. 1032 00:56:52,663 --> 00:56:55,582 CAM [ON TV]: Marty Huggins can't even take care of his own wife, so I did. 1033 00:56:55,749 --> 00:56:57,960 MITZI [ON TV]: Whoo! CAM: That night, Marty's wife voted. 1034 00:56:58,126 --> 00:57:01,672 -Multiple times. MITZI: Good work. Attaboy. Whoo! 1035 00:57:01,880 --> 00:57:03,632 Whoo! Whoo! 1036 00:57:03,799 --> 00:57:06,218 CAM: Getting juicy in here. MITZI: Whoo! 1037 00:57:07,261 --> 00:57:08,554 CAM: Come on, this isn't a game. 1038 00:57:08,720 --> 00:57:12,975 I'm Cam Drady, and l seductively approve this message. 1039 00:57:13,642 --> 00:57:19,022 -Boom. There it is. Let's get this out ASAP. -Cam, you can't do that. 1040 00:57:19,189 --> 00:57:22,359 -Why? Because it wasn't your idea? -No. No, because it's porn. 1041 00:57:22,526 --> 00:57:24,611 -I didn't sign up for this. -Oh, really? 1042 00:57:24,778 --> 00:57:26,655 What did you sign up for, Mitch? 1043 00:57:26,822 --> 00:57:29,992 The Big Fat Pussy Who's Too Afraid to Do What It Takes to Win Club? 1044 00:57:30,159 --> 00:57:32,286 You gotta calm down. You're going crazy on me. 1045 00:57:32,452 --> 00:57:35,622 -I'm crazy because l refuse to lose? -I think so. 1046 00:57:35,789 --> 00:57:37,833 Goddamn it, Mitch! Goddamn it! 1047 00:57:38,000 --> 00:57:40,711 My feet are taped to the bicycle on this one! 1048 00:57:40,878 --> 00:57:43,463 I will do anything it takes to win. 1049 00:57:43,672 --> 00:57:45,924 -Hey, hey. -Even if it means lying! 1050 00:57:46,091 --> 00:57:49,595 -Or physically hurting someone! MITCH: Easy, easy, easy. Put that down. 1051 00:57:49,761 --> 00:57:53,307 Or branding myself with a coat hanger in the shape of a V for "victory." 1052 00:57:53,473 --> 00:57:55,184 I get it. Okay, I'm sorry, everybody. 1053 00:57:55,350 --> 00:57:57,895 Even if it means listening to Metallica in a sauna... 1054 00:57:58,061 --> 00:57:59,480 He's a little stressed out. 1055 00:57:59,646 --> 00:58:02,316 ...while I do push-ups with a naked Shana on my back. 1056 00:58:02,483 --> 00:58:03,984 MITCH: Come on, man. -Is that crazy? 1057 00:58:04,151 --> 00:58:05,861 -I think so. -Do l seem crazy? 1058 00:58:06,028 --> 00:58:08,197 -Or are you the crazy one? -You gotta stop it. 1059 00:58:08,363 --> 00:58:10,741 [SHOUTING GIBBERISH] 1060 00:58:10,908 --> 00:58:12,659 Okay, sit down. 1061 00:58:13,660 --> 00:58:17,498 Sit the fuck down right now. Okay. Breathe. Just breathe, okay? 1062 00:58:18,790 --> 00:58:22,085 Now, what is going on with you? This is getting out of hand. 1063 00:58:22,252 --> 00:58:25,422 Okay, look. Here's the deal, Mitch. 1064 00:58:25,589 --> 00:58:28,800 -I did get a little crazy there. -Yes, you did. 1065 00:58:28,967 --> 00:58:32,387 But l gotta tell you, this is what it's gonna take to win. 1066 00:58:35,474 --> 00:58:40,103 Cam, I've been here for eight years with you, by your side. 1067 00:58:40,270 --> 00:58:42,272 And we've done some great things. 1068 00:58:42,439 --> 00:58:45,150 But l don't know what the hell's gotten into you. 1069 00:58:45,317 --> 00:58:46,777 What? 1070 00:58:46,944 --> 00:58:50,989 And to be honest with you, I'm pretty goddamn disappointed. 1071 00:58:51,156 --> 00:58:52,866 I'm sorry. 1072 00:58:53,951 --> 00:58:55,452 Okay, well, get out of here. Go. 1073 00:58:55,619 --> 00:58:57,621 -Anyone can do your job. -Hey. 1074 00:58:57,788 --> 00:58:59,206 Anyone. 1075 00:59:03,085 --> 00:59:06,380 -You. What's your name? -Uh, Jason, sir. 1076 00:59:06,547 --> 00:59:10,759 I just started here. l'm an intern. But l'm a poli sci major in college. 1077 00:59:10,926 --> 00:59:13,929 Okay, well, guess what, Jason. You're running my campaign. 1078 00:59:14,096 --> 00:59:16,598 JASON: Are you serious? -Congratulations to Jason, everyone. 1079 00:59:16,765 --> 00:59:19,101 -Nice round of applause. -I got so many good ideas. 1080 00:59:19,268 --> 00:59:22,271 Did you know that our government, we actually give tax breaks to companies... 1081 00:59:22,437 --> 00:59:25,899 ...that outsource jobs to other countries? That's awful. 1082 00:59:26,066 --> 00:59:29,153 We've already lost 7 million jobs since NAFTA, right? 1083 00:59:29,319 --> 00:59:33,240 You get the fuck out of here. You get the fuck out of here. 1084 00:59:33,448 --> 00:59:37,578 I don't wanna hear that bullshit. Hey, what did you major in in college? 1085 00:59:37,744 --> 00:59:39,705 -You! -Uh, sports marketing. 1086 00:59:39,872 --> 00:59:44,168 Okay. You're running my campaign. Take this down to the TV station. 1087 00:59:44,334 --> 00:59:47,421 Go. Right now. Tell them to run it. Let's go, people. 1088 00:59:47,588 --> 00:59:52,259 Let's win this thing for America. Right? 1089 00:59:52,593 --> 00:59:56,013 It's the first combination political commercial and sex tape... 1090 00:59:56,180 --> 00:59:59,433 ...and it's got over 65 million hits on YouTube. 1091 00:59:59,600 --> 01:00:01,894 Cam Drady was supposed to be on my show tonight... 1092 01:00:02,060 --> 01:00:03,562 ...but he's had to cancel again. 1093 01:00:03,729 --> 01:00:06,106 He's apparently dealing with a sex tape. 1094 01:00:06,273 --> 01:00:09,443 He's gotta withdraw his name from the ballot at the very least, wouldn't you say? 1095 01:00:09,610 --> 01:00:12,154 -Uh, a slight bump, actually. -What? 1096 01:00:13,655 --> 01:00:15,324 MARTY: And there's Muffins and Poundcake... 1097 01:00:17,117 --> 01:00:19,286 ...in a parking lot of an airport Denny's... 1098 01:00:19,912 --> 01:00:22,623 ...thirsty, alone and tired. 1099 01:00:22,789 --> 01:00:28,337 And then I find a wife who's forced me to wear the horns of a cuckold. 1100 01:00:28,504 --> 01:00:32,716 Look, Marty, I definitely did wrong. 1101 01:00:32,883 --> 01:00:37,137 But do you know this is the first time you've actually talked to me in weeks? 1102 01:00:37,304 --> 01:00:40,182 The entire country is talking about what you did. 1103 01:00:40,349 --> 01:00:41,892 I know. 1104 01:00:42,059 --> 01:00:44,520 Tim says l gotta kick you out... 1105 01:00:44,686 --> 01:00:48,357 ...or else I'll look weak and I'll lose the election. 1106 01:00:48,524 --> 01:00:51,819 When did Tim Wattley become part of this family? 1107 01:00:56,281 --> 01:00:59,326 Why don't you make up your own mind, Marty? 1108 01:01:00,202 --> 01:01:02,538 I think you should leave, Mitzi. 1109 01:01:03,497 --> 01:01:05,624 At least until the election's over. 1110 01:01:06,208 --> 01:01:09,419 And then what? You'll be the old Marty again? 1111 01:01:09,586 --> 01:01:11,880 -And what if you win? -Well-- 1112 01:01:12,047 --> 01:01:16,677 -Marty, you should've never entered this race. -Well, Cam Brady should've never entered you. 1113 01:01:17,261 --> 01:01:20,013 -Tim told me to say that. -Gross. 1114 01:01:21,306 --> 01:01:23,058 Goodbye, Marty. 1115 01:01:26,895 --> 01:01:29,565 We're out of Honey Nut Cheerios. 1116 01:01:30,357 --> 01:01:31,817 CAM: Okay, so here's the deal. 1117 01:01:31,984 --> 01:01:34,528 If I bag a buck, we'll get a nice bounce in the polls. 1118 01:01:34,695 --> 01:01:38,657 So, what l did is I bought a dead seven-point buck, I froze it... 1119 01:01:38,824 --> 01:01:41,076 ...and I put it out by the lake in the woods. 1120 01:01:41,243 --> 01:01:43,453 It's probably defrosted by about now. 1121 01:01:43,620 --> 01:01:46,748 So get the photographers ready when l yell. 1122 01:01:46,915 --> 01:01:49,835 That's an awesome plan, congressman. What's the signal? 1123 01:01:50,002 --> 01:01:52,337 Well, you'll hear a gunshot, and then you'll hear me yell: 1124 01:01:52,504 --> 01:01:53,964 "Black Hawk down!" 1125 01:01:54,131 --> 01:01:57,551 That makes sense. Hey. 1126 01:01:57,718 --> 01:01:59,219 [DERMOT CLEARS THROAT] 1127 01:02:00,929 --> 01:02:04,641 Marty Huggins. I didn't realize you were a sportsman. 1128 01:02:04,808 --> 01:02:07,853 Sorry about that thing with your wife. You know politics. 1129 01:02:08,770 --> 01:02:12,816 Ho--! He shot me. Black Hawk down! Black Hawk down! 1130 01:02:12,983 --> 01:02:16,028 -You saw it. You all saw it. -Way to go, Marty. 1131 01:02:16,195 --> 01:02:18,989 -Hunting season's over. Let's go, start the car. -Yes, sir. 1132 01:02:19,156 --> 01:02:20,782 CAM: It went right through my femur. 1133 01:02:20,949 --> 01:02:24,786 Candidate Huggins shot his opponent, Congressman Drady, in a hunting accident... 1134 01:02:24,953 --> 01:02:26,580 ...and went up in the polls. 1135 01:02:26,747 --> 01:02:28,373 Ted Nugent would be proud. 1136 01:02:29,458 --> 01:02:31,793 GLENN: Bravo, young man. TRIPP: Well, well, well. 1137 01:02:31,960 --> 01:02:33,629 If it isn't Dick Van Shrinkle. 1138 01:02:33,795 --> 01:02:34,838 [TRIPP LAUGHS] 1139 01:02:35,005 --> 01:02:37,799 We didn't have any idea that you had this kind of talent. 1140 01:02:37,966 --> 01:02:39,009 Well done. 1141 01:02:39,801 --> 01:02:44,556 I'm only saying this because l've had about a dozen brandies and a bump of coke... 1142 01:02:44,723 --> 01:02:46,892 ...and I'm a little emotional. 1143 01:02:47,059 --> 01:02:49,728 Goddamn it, l'm so proud of you. I mean-- 1144 01:02:49,895 --> 01:02:51,355 [CHUCKLES] 1145 01:02:51,522 --> 01:02:54,358 You actually shot a man and went up in the polls. 1146 01:02:54,525 --> 01:02:56,985 That's something we've only dreamed about. 1147 01:02:57,152 --> 01:03:01,114 Well, I would've shot somebody a long time ago if l knew you'd be proud of me, Dad. 1148 01:03:01,281 --> 01:03:02,324 -Sit down. -Okay. 1149 01:03:02,491 --> 01:03:05,494 TRIPP: Well, the good news is you don't have to worry about the charges. 1150 01:03:05,661 --> 01:03:08,330 There was not a single soul who was willing to testify. 1151 01:03:08,497 --> 01:03:12,459 As of right now, you are 1 2 points over Cam Brady. 1152 01:03:12,626 --> 01:03:15,462 -That's right. MARTY: Well, l'm just super overwhelmed by it. 1153 01:03:15,629 --> 01:03:16,964 It's been a really good day. 1154 01:03:17,130 --> 01:03:19,341 GLENN: Well, I got some more good news for you, son. 1155 01:03:20,092 --> 01:03:25,639 We have purchased all the rights and large tracts of land in your district... 1156 01:03:25,806 --> 01:03:30,686 ...and we will be building three factories that will generate 8000 jobs... 1157 01:03:30,853 --> 01:03:33,772 ...and over a billion dollars of revenue per annum. 1158 01:03:33,939 --> 01:03:34,982 Oh, my goodness. 1159 01:03:35,149 --> 01:03:37,526 And we immediately sold that real estate and debt... 1160 01:03:37,693 --> 01:03:40,362 ...to the People's Republic for a massive profit. 1161 01:03:40,779 --> 01:03:44,533 -I'm sorry, to who? -Oh. The 14th district now belongs to China. 1162 01:03:44,700 --> 01:03:46,869 [SPEAKS IN MANDARIN] [GLENN AND WADE CHUCKLING] 1163 01:03:47,035 --> 01:03:48,579 [GLENN SPEAKS lN MANDARlN] 1164 01:03:49,496 --> 01:03:51,707 Guess those jobs will be good for the district. 1165 01:03:51,874 --> 01:03:54,251 Actually, American workers are paid way too much... 1166 01:03:54,418 --> 01:03:56,712 ...for us to book the profits we're accustomed to. 1167 01:03:56,879 --> 01:04:00,757 We'll be bringing in low-paid Chinese labor. They'll clock in at 50 cents an hour. 1168 01:04:00,924 --> 01:04:03,302 We call the concept "insourcing." 1169 01:04:03,468 --> 01:04:06,889 And we want you to start using "insourcing" in all your campaign speeches. 1170 01:04:07,055 --> 01:04:08,599 The word tested through the roof. 1171 01:04:08,765 --> 01:04:12,269 It just kind of seems like you're building a big sweatshop in Hammond. 1172 01:04:12,436 --> 01:04:15,355 You have factories in China. Why are you gonna bring them here? 1173 01:04:15,522 --> 01:04:17,274 GLENN: It'll save a fortune in shipping. 1174 01:04:17,441 --> 01:04:20,903 It'll double the already-doubled profits that we make. 1175 01:04:21,737 --> 01:04:25,491 With all due respect, l thought we were gonna do something nice for the district. 1176 01:04:26,116 --> 01:04:30,454 And when you request those EPA waivers and concessions on minimum wage... 1177 01:04:30,621 --> 01:04:32,414 ...the whole project will be a go. 1178 01:04:36,627 --> 01:04:38,086 Well, Marty? 1179 01:04:40,714 --> 01:04:42,716 [SIGHS] 1180 01:04:42,883 --> 01:04:44,176 No, I won't do it. 1181 01:04:47,387 --> 01:04:51,391 I'm not gonna be known as the congressman who sold out his district to the Chinese. 1182 01:04:51,558 --> 01:04:53,727 What are you doing? You're fucking up, baby bro. 1183 01:04:53,894 --> 01:04:56,480 Goddamn it, son! Will you do as l say? 1184 01:04:56,647 --> 01:04:59,483 Look, l'm not the type of guy that talks back to his father. 1185 01:04:59,650 --> 01:05:03,195 But l imagine that guy, and I imagine that guy would say something like this: 1186 01:05:04,029 --> 01:05:08,283 You were never there for me. This town was always there for me. 1187 01:05:08,909 --> 01:05:11,411 And by the way, I know when you were married to Mama... 1188 01:05:11,578 --> 01:05:15,457 ...you were having an affair with that woman that looked like Dog the Bounty Hunter. 1189 01:05:17,125 --> 01:05:20,629 What you're doing is wrong. lt's dead wrong. 1190 01:05:22,130 --> 01:05:23,882 [SIGHS] 1191 01:05:26,885 --> 01:05:29,054 [DOOR HANDLE RATTLING] 1192 01:05:31,598 --> 01:05:32,641 Jiggle it. 1193 01:05:32,808 --> 01:05:34,518 -Jiggle a little. -Jiggle a little. 1194 01:05:34,685 --> 01:05:36,311 MARTY: I did. I mean.... 1195 01:05:36,478 --> 01:05:39,523 TRIPP: Jig-- You pull-- Lift it up and jiggle it. RAYMOND: Lift it up. 1196 01:05:39,690 --> 01:05:41,275 -Shake and push. -Now push. 1197 01:05:41,441 --> 01:05:44,153 -No, at the same time. You gotta- -Jiggle, shake and push. 1198 01:05:44,319 --> 01:05:45,612 TRIPP: Yeah. MARTY: There it is. 1199 01:05:45,779 --> 01:05:48,115 Nope. Now l got it. 1200 01:05:49,199 --> 01:05:50,367 [DOOR CLOSES] 1201 01:05:50,576 --> 01:05:52,119 [TRIPP SIGHS] 1202 01:05:53,662 --> 01:05:54,788 Do we kill him? 1203 01:05:57,040 --> 01:05:58,083 GLENN: No, no, no. 1204 01:05:58,750 --> 01:06:02,129 What we're looking for is a new, fresh voice... 1205 01:06:02,296 --> 01:06:05,591 ...that'll wake up the people and harness their frustrations. 1206 01:06:05,757 --> 01:06:07,217 A savior, if you will. 1207 01:06:08,010 --> 01:06:11,680 And it turns out he's been right in front of us all along. 1208 01:06:12,973 --> 01:06:15,267 I'm not gonna cry. 1209 01:06:15,434 --> 01:06:18,854 -I'm not gonna cry. -Rinse. 1210 01:06:19,563 --> 01:06:21,815 Jesus, Wattley. 1211 01:06:22,274 --> 01:06:23,942 What the hell are you doing in here? 1212 01:06:24,109 --> 01:06:28,864 Motch brothers sent me. I'm here to make you not suck. 1213 01:06:29,865 --> 01:06:31,283 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 1214 01:06:31,450 --> 01:06:36,705 ANNOUNCER [OVER SPEAKER]: Introducing the new and improved Cam Brady. 1215 01:06:37,998 --> 01:06:39,416 Bring him down. 1216 01:06:39,625 --> 01:06:42,878 [BACHMAN-TURNER OVERDRIVE'S "TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS" PLAYING] 1217 01:06:49,343 --> 01:06:51,428 CAM: How you doing, North Carolina? 1218 01:06:52,095 --> 01:06:57,309 The new Cam Drady is here today to stop the talking and start the walking. 1219 01:06:57,476 --> 01:07:02,105 The funny thing is, there's still a lot people out there that say no. 1220 01:07:03,398 --> 01:07:05,651 Marty Huggins says no. 1221 01:07:05,818 --> 01:07:06,860 [AUDIENCE BOOING] 1222 01:07:07,027 --> 01:07:11,740 But we're gonna kick his ass, because that's how we do. 1223 01:07:11,907 --> 01:07:13,283 Whoo! 1224 01:07:13,450 --> 01:07:14,952 [ROSE LAUGHS] 1225 01:07:15,118 --> 01:07:17,371 Motch paid me 50 grand to make a few appearances. 1226 01:07:17,538 --> 01:07:20,332 We're not back together. Put your arm around me. 1227 01:07:20,499 --> 01:07:23,502 Now, remember, y'all have to support Cam Brady. 1228 01:07:23,669 --> 01:07:25,712 Cam Brady '012. Whoo! 1229 01:07:25,879 --> 01:07:29,007 ROSE: Y'all have to hate Marty Huggins! 1230 01:07:34,054 --> 01:07:36,265 Well, let's be honest. 1231 01:07:37,850 --> 01:07:39,810 We're getting our tushes handed to us. 1232 01:07:39,977 --> 01:07:43,147 You're only eight points down, Marty. 1233 01:07:43,313 --> 01:07:47,526 There's a chance we could make it up before the polls open tomorrow. 1234 01:07:54,449 --> 01:07:57,286 -Hello, Mitzi. MITZI: Hey, Marty. 1235 01:07:58,537 --> 01:08:02,583 Look, after 1 7 years of faithful marriage... 1236 01:08:02,749 --> 01:08:05,210 ...I did a bad, stupid thing. 1237 01:08:05,377 --> 01:08:07,212 I got crazy, Marty. 1238 01:08:07,379 --> 01:08:10,716 I lost myself and who l am. 1239 01:08:10,883 --> 01:08:13,468 And I'll be sorry for the rest of my life. 1240 01:08:14,094 --> 01:08:16,054 Well, you should be. 1241 01:08:17,139 --> 01:08:18,974 You hurt my feelings, Mitzi. 1242 01:08:19,600 --> 01:08:22,436 And I don't get my feelings hurt that much, you know? 1243 01:08:22,603 --> 01:08:24,938 But l'm to blame too. 1244 01:08:25,105 --> 01:08:27,399 I turned my back on the boys and you. 1245 01:08:28,066 --> 01:08:30,110 And to the people of this town. 1246 01:08:30,736 --> 01:08:34,781 I got all messed up with the hoopla of bigtime politics... 1247 01:08:34,948 --> 01:08:37,451 ...and look who l am now. 1248 01:08:37,618 --> 01:08:39,411 I ain't much of nothing. 1249 01:08:41,955 --> 01:08:45,959 Marty, tomorrow is election day. 1250 01:08:46,126 --> 01:08:50,589 You're not gonna win. And that means they'll destroy this town. 1251 01:08:51,215 --> 01:08:53,759 You've got 14 hours till they open up those polls. 1252 01:08:53,926 --> 01:08:56,386 We're up against some dirty players. 1253 01:08:56,553 --> 01:08:59,640 It's time to save this town. 1254 01:09:05,938 --> 01:09:08,440 Now, when you say something like that... 1255 01:09:08,607 --> 01:09:11,109 ...I do get a little careless whisper in my body. 1256 01:09:11,276 --> 01:09:12,361 -Do you? -Mm-hm. 1257 01:09:21,036 --> 01:09:23,497 Be my Drew Carey. 1258 01:09:23,664 --> 01:09:27,000 Mitzi Huggins, come on down. 1259 01:09:36,218 --> 01:09:38,053 MITZI: Oh. Oh, I'm dizzy. 1260 01:09:38,220 --> 01:09:40,305 Okay, people. 1261 01:09:40,472 --> 01:09:43,725 It's time to get to work. Let's do it. 1262 01:09:45,602 --> 01:09:49,648 KEITH OLBERMAN: It's election day. Polls are opening on the East Coast. 1263 01:09:49,815 --> 01:09:52,818 CHRIS MATTHEWS: Record turnout in North Carolina's 1 4th district.. 1264 01:09:52,985 --> 01:09:56,280 ...where Cam Drady is solidly ahead. 1265 01:09:57,030 --> 01:09:58,615 -All right. -That's how we do. 1266 01:09:58,782 --> 01:10:00,534 Ha, ha. Hello. 1267 01:10:00,701 --> 01:10:04,037 Stuart, do you still have those TV commercial spots available for today? 1268 01:10:04,204 --> 01:10:05,247 -Mm-hm. -Okay. 1269 01:10:05,414 --> 01:10:07,416 Hey. Hey, everybody. 1270 01:10:07,583 --> 01:10:11,920 Hey, shut up, shut up, everybody. Check out these TVs. 1271 01:10:12,129 --> 01:10:16,133 Hello, l'm Marty Huggins. I'm running to be your congressman. 1272 01:10:16,300 --> 01:10:20,304 I've spent my last penny on this ad to tell everyone in the district one thing. 1273 01:10:21,096 --> 01:10:22,681 I have not been honest with you. 1274 01:10:22,848 --> 01:10:25,976 See, the truth is, big money is running politics in America. 1275 01:10:26,143 --> 01:10:29,688 Dillionaires and corporations have given me millions of dollars... 1276 01:10:29,855 --> 01:10:31,482 ...to say what they want me to say. 1277 01:10:31,648 --> 01:10:32,941 What the hell is he doing? 1278 01:10:33,108 --> 01:10:36,612 And most of the time, what they want me to say is a lie. 1279 01:10:36,778 --> 01:10:38,697 Well, I'm not doing it anymore. 1280 01:10:38,864 --> 01:10:42,451 Dut on this election day, if you choose to vote for me, know this: 1281 01:10:42,618 --> 01:10:46,622 I will never take another dime from any billionaire or corporation. 1282 01:10:46,788 --> 01:10:51,793 And to get the ball rolling, I will tell you the darkest secrets of my life. 1283 01:10:51,960 --> 01:10:56,715 On October 23rd, 1 996, at 2:1 1 p.m... 1284 01:10:56,882 --> 01:11:01,011 ...l farted in a very crowded elevator and blamed it on a war veteran. 1285 01:11:01,178 --> 01:11:03,180 I would like to apologize to that woman. 1286 01:11:03,597 --> 01:11:09,061 Last year, I attended a Halloween party dressed up as Lady Gaga. 1287 01:11:09,228 --> 01:11:13,816 l felt so alive and free, I did not take off the costume for two days. 1288 01:11:13,982 --> 01:11:15,651 As a prank, when l was 1 5... 1289 01:11:15,818 --> 01:11:18,987 ...my big brother told me you have to masturbate with your feet. 1290 01:11:19,154 --> 01:11:21,031 And to this day, that's how l do it. 1291 01:11:21,198 --> 01:11:22,241 [GRUMBLES] 1292 01:11:23,242 --> 01:11:24,743 This feels good. Ahem. 1293 01:11:24,910 --> 01:11:30,123 Everyone, turn to the person next to you, reach in your heart, and let it speak. 1294 01:11:31,041 --> 01:11:34,253 I had an affair with the waitress at Ruby Tuesdays. 1295 01:11:35,128 --> 01:11:36,880 So did I. 1296 01:11:37,047 --> 01:11:38,465 [BOTH CHUCKLE] 1297 01:11:39,341 --> 01:11:42,845 I run a meth lab out of the kids' tree fort. 1298 01:11:43,011 --> 01:11:45,639 I'm your twin sister. 1299 01:11:46,849 --> 01:11:51,436 Sometimes when I get a little drunk, I let kids touch my old lady's titty. 1300 01:11:51,603 --> 01:11:55,774 Ninety percent of the time, I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about. 1301 01:11:56,316 --> 01:11:58,527 I tried to kill you in your sleep. 1302 01:11:58,694 --> 01:12:00,070 What? 1303 01:12:00,487 --> 01:12:02,614 Three times. 1304 01:12:02,781 --> 01:12:07,619 You see, telling the truth feels good, and it's what this country was built on. 1305 01:12:07,786 --> 01:12:12,082 I'm Marty Huggins, and this is one message l approve. 1306 01:12:12,249 --> 01:12:17,212 [IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Oh, Mr. Raymond. Here you go, your afternoon refreshment. 1307 01:12:17,379 --> 01:12:19,840 -Mrs. Yao? -Yeah. 1308 01:12:20,007 --> 01:12:22,551 Do you know what l like most about your Asian boys? 1309 01:12:22,718 --> 01:12:23,760 YAO: Hmm? 1310 01:12:23,927 --> 01:12:26,597 They respect their elders and do as they're told. 1311 01:12:28,098 --> 01:12:30,100 [IN NORMAL VOICE] You have been saying for years... 1312 01:12:30,267 --> 01:12:32,436 ...how you want Marty to stand up and be his own man. 1313 01:12:32,603 --> 01:12:36,482 Well, he's finally done it. You should be proud of him. 1314 01:12:36,648 --> 01:12:39,067 -What did you say? -Oh, right. Uh.... 1315 01:12:39,568 --> 01:12:42,362 [IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Your son Marty be standing up like a man... 1316 01:12:42,529 --> 01:12:45,032 ...but his pappy gots to support him. 1317 01:12:45,199 --> 01:12:47,159 [GRUNTS THEN SCOFFS] 1318 01:12:47,326 --> 01:12:49,161 [IN NORMAL VOICE] This is bullshit. 1319 01:12:49,328 --> 01:12:51,038 [YAO GRUMBLES] 1320 01:12:51,205 --> 01:12:52,456 Election day winding down. 1321 01:12:52,623 --> 01:12:55,334 North Carolina's 1 4th district one of the last to call it. 1322 01:12:55,501 --> 01:12:58,879 And today opponent Marty Huggins did the craziest stunt to date. 1323 01:12:59,046 --> 01:13:03,217 Marty Huggins, he actually promised to be the most honest congressman out there. 1324 01:13:03,383 --> 01:13:06,136 Listen, guys, he opened his life up, and it's worked. 1325 01:13:06,303 --> 01:13:07,679 He's up in the polls. 1326 01:13:07,846 --> 01:13:10,557 The whole country is still waiting on the result. 1327 01:13:10,766 --> 01:13:15,854 COUNCILMAN: Ahem. We have a winner, as verified by the State Election Board. 1328 01:13:16,063 --> 01:13:18,148 And the results were as follows. 1329 01:13:18,357 --> 01:13:23,487 With 90,362 votes, Camden Brady. 1330 01:13:23,695 --> 01:13:25,614 [CHEERING] 1331 01:13:28,951 --> 01:13:32,120 And now for the results for Martin Huggins: 1332 01:13:32,287 --> 01:13:36,583 80,365 votes. Cam Brady wins. 1333 01:13:36,750 --> 01:13:39,211 -Yeah! Whoo! -All right. Whoo! 1334 01:13:39,419 --> 01:13:42,506 [BACHMAN-TURNER OVERDRIVE'S "TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS" PLAYING] 1335 01:13:43,382 --> 01:13:46,343 How can that be? We were up 1 0,000 votes in the exit polls. 1336 01:13:46,510 --> 01:13:48,470 How can that be? 1337 01:13:55,227 --> 01:13:57,521 Who's taking care of business now? 1338 01:13:57,688 --> 01:14:00,190 -Thank you. -We did it, baby. We did it. 1339 01:14:00,357 --> 01:14:03,735 It's you and me against the world forever. 1340 01:14:04,778 --> 01:14:06,238 MAN 1 [OVER SPEAKER]: Cam Brady! 1341 01:14:06,405 --> 01:14:09,491 -Thank you. Thank you so much. MAN 2: Well done. 1342 01:14:10,909 --> 01:14:13,954 Pardon me. Excuse me, thank you. Thank you. 1343 01:14:14,121 --> 01:14:16,331 -Mitzi. -Cam. 1344 01:14:16,915 --> 01:14:17,958 Sorry. 1345 01:14:18,625 --> 01:14:19,668 CAM: Hey, Marty. 1346 01:14:20,294 --> 01:14:23,046 Why are you so upset? You ran a hell of a campaign. 1347 01:14:23,213 --> 01:14:26,717 -I mean, you got a real talent for this. -You still don't get it, do you? 1348 01:14:26,884 --> 01:14:29,803 I didn't do this for some career. 1349 01:14:30,471 --> 01:14:33,682 I did this because I love my home and I wanted to help out. 1350 01:14:33,849 --> 01:14:37,978 Just like you did when you took down that jaggedy jungle gym... 1351 01:14:38,145 --> 01:14:41,023 ...so other kids wouldn't get cut like me. 1352 01:14:42,149 --> 01:14:43,775 -It got you too. -Yeah. 1353 01:14:43,942 --> 01:14:45,986 I remember that jaggedy jungle gym. 1354 01:14:47,321 --> 01:14:49,114 -Ow. -Look at this. 1355 01:14:49,907 --> 01:14:51,200 [CAM GASPS] 1356 01:14:51,366 --> 01:14:52,534 Oh, no. 1357 01:14:52,701 --> 01:14:56,705 Doctors said it was the worst playground accident they'd ever seen. 1358 01:14:56,872 --> 01:14:58,248 [GASPS] 1359 01:14:59,708 --> 01:15:02,794 And I just dangled there for two straight nights. 1360 01:15:02,961 --> 01:15:04,379 Oh, good Lord. 1361 01:15:04,546 --> 01:15:08,008 But back then, in the fourth grade, I voted for you. 1362 01:15:08,175 --> 01:15:09,218 You know why? 1363 01:15:09,676 --> 01:15:13,847 Because you were a voice of the people. But that's when we was kids. 1364 01:15:14,348 --> 01:15:18,393 I guess this is the, uh.... The way of the world now. 1365 01:15:19,603 --> 01:15:21,605 TlM: Come on, Cam, we gotta go. 1366 01:15:21,772 --> 01:15:23,357 [TIM GROANS] 1367 01:15:24,274 --> 01:15:26,360 It had to be said. 1368 01:15:26,527 --> 01:15:29,029 -Pull up your pants, honey. -Okay. 1369 01:15:29,780 --> 01:15:31,824 Here he is, the man of the hour. 1370 01:15:32,366 --> 01:15:37,871 It's been a pleasure running his campaign. Congressman Cam Brady. 1371 01:15:38,038 --> 01:15:39,581 We love you, Cam. 1372 01:15:39,748 --> 01:15:43,168 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thanks. 1373 01:15:44,211 --> 01:15:45,754 So, uh.... 1374 01:15:45,921 --> 01:15:48,298 So I won. That's great. 1375 01:15:52,344 --> 01:15:55,931 Marty Huggins did a crazy thing on TV today. 1376 01:15:56,098 --> 01:15:58,100 He told the truth. 1377 01:15:58,267 --> 01:16:00,269 So here I go. 1378 01:16:00,435 --> 01:16:03,021 I am a great politician. 1379 01:16:03,230 --> 01:16:05,899 [AUDIENCE CHEERS] [ROSE LAUGHS] 1380 01:16:06,066 --> 01:16:07,860 Yeah. 1381 01:16:28,338 --> 01:16:31,466 -But l am a horrible congressman. ALL: No. 1382 01:16:31,633 --> 01:16:33,427 CAM: Now, hold on, hear me out. 1383 01:16:33,594 --> 01:16:38,015 I hardly ever vote in Congress, and I never read the bills. 1384 01:16:38,223 --> 01:16:43,312 When I'm in D.C., I mostly Facebook old girlfriends... 1385 01:16:43,479 --> 01:16:45,230 ...play fantasy hockey. 1386 01:16:45,814 --> 01:16:49,818 Words with Friends, Scrabble, Draw Something. 1387 01:16:50,027 --> 01:16:53,530 I just enjoy being Congressman Cam Brady... 1388 01:16:53,697 --> 01:16:56,617 ...and I was scared to death of losing that. 1389 01:16:57,159 --> 01:17:00,787 So I took a bunch of money from the Motch brothers... 1390 01:17:00,954 --> 01:17:06,210 ...and convinced myself that selling the 14th district to China was a good idea. 1391 01:17:06,376 --> 01:17:08,378 All they care about is profits. 1392 01:17:08,545 --> 01:17:11,465 Not you, not me, not America. 1393 01:17:12,007 --> 01:17:15,219 The only reason why my wife is here tonight is because they paid her to be here. 1394 01:17:15,385 --> 01:17:16,512 [AUDIENCE GASPS] 1395 01:17:16,678 --> 01:17:19,223 WADE: Jesus, I think we should take our leave. Excuse me. 1396 01:17:19,389 --> 01:17:21,433 GLENN: He's a liar. WADE: He's a nutbag. 1397 01:17:21,600 --> 01:17:23,393 Don't touch me. We're both ex-Marines. 1398 01:17:23,560 --> 01:17:27,064 Get away now. Get away or l'll start slapping people. 1399 01:17:27,231 --> 01:17:30,984 But do you know which individual in this room... 1400 01:17:31,151 --> 01:17:33,737 ...stood up to the Motch brothers and said no? 1401 01:17:34,947 --> 01:17:38,450 Marty Huggins. That son of a bitch fears no man. 1402 01:17:38,617 --> 01:17:40,869 He should be your congressman. 1403 01:17:41,578 --> 01:17:43,914 Sure, l know what you're thinking: He's a weirdo. 1404 01:17:44,081 --> 01:17:46,166 I've often wondered... 1405 01:17:46,333 --> 01:17:50,462 ...why the folks from Ripley's Believe lt or Not!... 1406 01:17:50,629 --> 01:17:53,757 ...haven't broken into his house... 1407 01:17:53,924 --> 01:17:56,301 ...and kidnapped him for a permanent display. 1408 01:17:57,010 --> 01:18:01,515 But l'll tell you this: He's one of the good ones, and I've actually grown fond of him. 1409 01:18:01,682 --> 01:18:04,434 So with that, I'd like to announce my withdrawal from this election... 1410 01:18:04,601 --> 01:18:05,853 [AUDIENCE GASPS] 1411 01:18:06,019 --> 01:18:09,314 ...and congratulate Congressman Marty Huggins. 1412 01:18:09,481 --> 01:18:10,649 [AUDIENCE CHEERS] 1413 01:18:10,816 --> 01:18:13,068 Come on up here, Marty. 1414 01:18:14,153 --> 01:18:15,612 TRIPP: Goddamn. 1415 01:18:17,156 --> 01:18:21,869 AUDIENCE [CHEERING] Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty! 1416 01:18:22,035 --> 01:18:23,662 You sure about this? 1417 01:18:24,872 --> 01:18:26,915 Get on up there before I change my mind. 1418 01:18:29,960 --> 01:18:31,587 MARTY: Thanks so much. 1419 01:18:32,045 --> 01:18:34,506 One minute you got your pants down... 1420 01:18:34,673 --> 01:18:38,135 ...and the next minute you're a U.S. congressman. 1421 01:18:39,428 --> 01:18:41,305 It's usually the other way around, l guess. 1422 01:18:41,472 --> 01:18:42,639 [AUDIENCE CHUCKLES] 1423 01:18:42,806 --> 01:18:46,977 I'd like to thank Cam Brady for his intestinal fortitude... 1424 01:18:47,144 --> 01:18:48,770 ...for doing what he just did. 1425 01:18:48,937 --> 01:18:51,023 [AUDIENCE APPLAUDS] 1426 01:18:51,690 --> 01:18:56,820 I want the 14th district to know that you will not be sold to China... 1427 01:18:56,987 --> 01:18:58,447 ...to Brazil... 1428 01:18:58,989 --> 01:19:01,241 ...to Nova Scotia... 1429 01:19:01,408 --> 01:19:03,160 ...or any other country. 1430 01:19:03,327 --> 01:19:06,163 -Hi, Cam. -Hey, Mitch. 1431 01:19:06,330 --> 01:19:08,999 That was the greatest gesture I've ever seen in my life. 1432 01:19:09,166 --> 01:19:12,628 -That was book-worthy. -Thank you. 1433 01:19:12,794 --> 01:19:17,883 -I'd really like to work together again someday. -Well, nothing would please me more. 1434 01:19:18,258 --> 01:19:19,301 It's a deal. 1435 01:19:19,468 --> 01:19:22,638 By the way, I hope you don't mind me saying this, but you look great. 1436 01:19:22,805 --> 01:19:24,473 -I started drinking again. -Oh. 1437 01:19:24,681 --> 01:19:26,517 MITCH: Mm-hm. 1438 01:19:26,683 --> 01:19:31,104 And I want to end daylight savings time. I hate when it gets dark early. 1439 01:19:31,271 --> 01:19:32,356 [CHEERING] 1440 01:19:32,523 --> 01:19:35,943 Washington, D.C., l have a message for you: 1441 01:19:36,610 --> 01:19:40,364 I'm bringing my broom, because you know why? 1442 01:19:40,531 --> 01:19:42,241 MARTY & AUDIENCE [IN UNISON]: It's a mess. 1443 01:19:42,449 --> 01:19:47,037 CHANTING: It's a mess! lt's a mess! It's a mess! 1444 01:19:47,204 --> 01:19:49,915 It's a mess! lt's a mess! 1445 01:19:51,917 --> 01:19:54,920 ANCHORWOMAN [ON TV]: Congressman Scott Talley will tender his resignation... 1446 01:19:55,087 --> 01:20:00,843 ...over allegations of using federal funds to purchase his mistress's fake breasts. 1447 01:20:01,009 --> 01:20:06,431 Large breasts offer more protection to a woman's tender vital organs. 1448 01:20:07,266 --> 01:20:09,518 -Talley's done. -What a waste. 1449 01:20:09,685 --> 01:20:10,894 [DOORBELL RINGS] 1450 01:20:11,061 --> 01:20:13,397 -Connie! -I think you fired her. 1451 01:20:13,564 --> 01:20:16,316 Oh, damn it. Who is it? 1452 01:20:16,483 --> 01:20:19,903 WOMAN: Hola, it's me, Rosita, your new cleaning lady. 1453 01:20:20,070 --> 01:20:22,656 Oh, this is a big casa. 1454 01:20:22,823 --> 01:20:26,952 It's going to take me forever to clean it, but l do it for you. 1455 01:20:27,536 --> 01:20:28,662 [SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 1456 01:20:28,829 --> 01:20:29,913 GLENN: Go away. 1457 01:20:30,080 --> 01:20:31,582 [IN NORMAL VOICE] This is a subpoena... 1458 01:20:31,748 --> 01:20:35,294 ...for you to appear before a congressional hearing on campaign-finance illegalities. 1459 01:20:35,460 --> 01:20:37,671 You've been served, dickheads. Heh. 1460 01:20:37,838 --> 01:20:39,798 -What? -Who's heading this hearing? 1461 01:20:40,507 --> 01:20:43,093 [IN SPANISH ACCENT] Oh. Congressman Marty Huggins... 1462 01:20:43,260 --> 01:20:46,430 ...and he's going to go loco on your gringo asses. 1463 01:20:46,597 --> 01:20:48,056 [SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 1464 01:20:48,265 --> 01:20:49,600 [YAO GRUNTS] 1465 01:20:49,766 --> 01:20:52,019 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Greedy motherfuckers. 1466 01:21:27,846 --> 01:21:30,933 MARTY: Okay, everyone, please. Okay. 1467 01:21:31,099 --> 01:21:33,811 I'd like to remind these gentlemen why they are here. 1468 01:21:33,977 --> 01:21:36,897 You were spending millions of dollars buying politicians... 1469 01:21:37,064 --> 01:21:39,191 ...spreading misinformation... 1470 01:21:39,358 --> 01:21:42,820 ...and influencing legislation for your personal gain. 1471 01:21:42,986 --> 01:21:46,323 -Now, l think the re- -[WHISPERS] Marty. You're doing great. 1472 01:21:46,490 --> 01:21:49,451 -And I just love being your chief of staff. -Good. 1473 01:21:49,618 --> 01:21:52,955 Unfortunately, none of these charges are illegal. 1474 01:21:53,121 --> 01:21:54,581 Uh, that's correct, congressman. 1475 01:21:54,748 --> 01:21:58,085 The Citizens United ruling made that abundantly clear. 1476 01:21:58,252 --> 01:22:03,215 Maybe I can't get you on the corruption of elections, but l can get you on this: 1477 01:22:05,509 --> 01:22:07,136 I can- 1478 01:22:07,302 --> 01:22:10,639 [WHISPERS] It's a coupon to Chick-fil-A. It's a coupon to Chick-fil-A. 1479 01:22:11,849 --> 01:22:16,311 Aiding and abetting a known international fugitive. 1480 01:22:16,478 --> 01:22:20,774 This is Tim Wattley, a.k.a. Leonidis Stavros... 1481 01:22:20,941 --> 01:22:22,734 ...a.k.a. the Greek Butcher... 1482 01:22:22,901 --> 01:22:24,695 ...a.k.a. the Greek Baker... 1483 01:22:24,862 --> 01:22:26,989 ...a.k.a. the Greek Candlestick Maker... 1484 01:22:27,156 --> 01:22:29,199 ...a.k.a. Dermot Mulroney... 1485 01:22:29,825 --> 01:22:32,661 ...a.k.a. Osama Getting-Laiden. 1486 01:22:34,037 --> 01:22:36,957 Gentlemen, these are federal offenses. 1487 01:22:37,124 --> 01:22:41,461 My brother is responsible for this. I've never heard of Mr. Wattley in my life. 1488 01:22:41,670 --> 01:22:43,172 Boom. 1489 01:22:43,338 --> 01:22:45,716 MARTY: You're under arrest. -I've never seen him before. 1490 01:22:45,883 --> 01:22:49,011 -I'll tell you this: lt's a mess. -Whoo! 1491 01:22:49,178 --> 01:22:51,180 I put you in that chair. I can get you out. 1492 01:22:51,346 --> 01:22:52,890 -This is a sham. WADE: Are you kidding? 1493 01:22:53,056 --> 01:22:55,893 -We make every decision together. GLENN: This is all you.