1
00:00:24,391 --> 00:00:26,667
(MESS AROUND PLAYING)
2
00:00:26,726 --> 00:00:30,503
Oh, no
Oh, no
3
00:00:33,633 --> 00:00:39,845
Ahhh, oh, no
Ahhh, 0h, no
4
00:00:39,906 --> 00:00:43,012
Ahhh, oh, no
5
00:00:43,076 --> 00:00:48,526
No, she don't mess around
No, she don't mess around
6
00:00:52,752 --> 00:00:55,164
MIKE: 100% blue agave.
7
00:00:55,722 --> 00:00:56,757
Taste it.
8
00:00:56,823 --> 00:00:58,427
RANDY: Look, Mike, I like you.
9
00:00:58,591 --> 00:01:00,901
But no one's looking for another brand
of tequila.
10
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,335
They've got the three...
What is it?
11
00:01:02,495 --> 00:01:04,372
The Cuervo, the other one,
and the third one.
12
00:01:04,597 --> 00:01:06,076
And they don't need more tequila.
13
00:01:06,232 --> 00:01:07,506
If I can't sell it, it's not gonna sell.
14
00:01:07,834 --> 00:01:09,074
People want the new-new.
15
00:01:09,235 --> 00:01:10,612
- The "new-new"?
- The "new-new."
16
00:01:10,770 --> 00:01:11,908
They want that new-new.
17
00:01:11,971 --> 00:01:13,006
No!
18
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:15,576
What if I could sell this tequila
to a customer?
19
00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:17,813
- Would I have your order then?
-(LAUGHS) Yeah, sure.
20
00:01:17,944 --> 00:01:19,651
And I'm just gonna pick a customer
at random.
21
00:01:20,980 --> 00:01:21,981
Excuse me, sir.
22
00:01:22,215 --> 00:01:24,217
Do you enjoy the taste of tequila?
23
00:01:25,218 --> 00:01:26,288
(IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) Why, yes, I do.
24
00:01:26,453 --> 00:01:29,662
But I only drink my particular brand,
and you will not convince me otherwise.
25
00:01:29,956 --> 00:01:31,799
- It's a perfect candidate.
- Because it's your brother!
26
00:01:32,058 --> 00:01:33,162
I know that's your brother.
27
00:01:33,426 --> 00:01:34,632
He dated my niece.
28
00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:35,796
Look, mate, I don't know your niece.
29
00:01:36,029 --> 00:01:37,804
- Okay.
- But if I did...
30
00:01:37,964 --> 00:01:40,774
I'd say she was a little clingy,
and she'd freak a lot of people out.
31
00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:42,709
We play Wards With Friends
together, right?
32
00:01:42,869 --> 00:01:45,873
- Dave, right?
- Name's Rick. Just got in from Melbourne.
33
00:01:46,039 --> 00:01:47,040
His name's Rick.
34
00:01:47,207 --> 00:01:48,413
I know he's your brother.
35
00:01:48,641 --> 00:01:50,951
Look, look, look.
You guys are funny, you're weird.
36
00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:52,454
We do this every couple weeks...
37
00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:55,120
All right, I'll take 10 cases.
38
00:01:55,181 --> 00:01:56,182
- Fuck, yes!
-(IN NORMAL ACCENT) Yes!
39
00:01:56,316 --> 00:01:57,317
Yes! I knew it!
40
00:01:57,550 --> 00:01:58,551
- We sold your ass, Randy!
-(DAVE WHOOPS)
41
00:01:58,618 --> 00:01:59,722
I don't know if that's what happened.
42
00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:01,094
- It was the hat, right?
- Was it the hat?
43
00:02:01,187 --> 00:02:02,188
I just found this over there.
44
00:02:02,589 --> 00:02:04,432
(Do SOMETHING CHAZYPLAYING)
45
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:10,267
Do something crazy
46
00:02:10,330 --> 00:02:11,331
(ALL CHEERING)
47
00:02:11,464 --> 00:02:12,499
Live like it's Mardi Gras
48
00:02:12,599 --> 00:02:14,272
And go jump
Make the party start
49
00:02:14,334 --> 00:02:16,245
Don't need no R&R
50
00:02:16,302 --> 00:02:18,145
To regular life, I say au revoir
51
00:02:18,238 --> 00:02:20,582
Yay! Living life in the fast lane
52
00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,176
Now your pain only be champagne
53
00:02:22,275 --> 00:02:25,813
So please comejoin me
One thing, good vibes only
54
00:02:26,279 --> 00:02:29,852
Start the keg
{mine fill my cup
55
00:02:29,949 --> 00:02:33,328
Got fireworks, got booze
Let's blow some shit up
56
00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:35,861
Tonight I'm going stupid
57
00:02:35,955 --> 00:02:37,593
Doing things I've never done
58
00:02:38,091 --> 00:02:40,298
We all got one thing in common
59
00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:42,203
We just wanna have fun
60
00:02:45,298 --> 00:02:46,504
Do something crazy
61
00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:48,601
aka Y
62
00:02:49,335 --> 00:02:50,336
Do something crazy
63
00:02:53,273 --> 00:02:54,274
Do what you wanna do
64
00:02:57,210 --> 00:02:58,211
Do something crazy
65
00:03:01,214 --> 00:03:02,215
I'm about to do
66
00:03:03,283 --> 00:03:04,284
I'm about to do
67
00:03:05,318 --> 00:03:06,319
Do something crazy
68
00:03:06,986 --> 00:03:07,987
Do something crazy
69
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:10,225
Do something wild
70
00:03:10,323 --> 00:03:11,859
Rolling with the homies
71
00:03:11,958 --> 00:03:13,995
Chicks by my side
72
00:03:14,060 --> 00:03:16,199
Live for the moment
73
00:03:16,296 --> 00:03:18,071
All of the time
74
00:03:18,164 --> 00:03:20,075
Turn up the music
75
00:03:20,166 --> 00:03:21,873
Only good vibes
76
00:03:22,335 --> 00:03:23,837
DAVE: Sorry to throw
the accent at you, bro.
77
00:03:23,903 --> 00:03:25,405
MIKE: No, dude. I loved it,
and it kept me in the now.
78
00:03:25,738 --> 00:03:28,514
Do you realize that that sale puts us
at number three in the office?
79
00:03:28,675 --> 00:03:30,177
The Stangle bros are killing it
right now!
80
00:03:30,243 --> 00:03:31,244
(LAUGHING)
81
00:03:31,411 --> 00:03:33,482
MIKE: it's not an actual hat.
They just call it a jimmy hat.
82
00:03:33,646 --> 00:03:34,818
If you wear two, they break.
83
00:03:34,981 --> 00:03:37,086
- It's an urban legend...
- No, it's not.
84
00:03:38,184 --> 00:03:39,219
Mom, Dad?
85
00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,225
DAVE: Jeanie. Eric.
86
00:03:41,387 --> 00:03:44,231
Don't freak out.
I don't want you to freak out.
87
00:03:44,390 --> 00:03:45,460
Just come on in.
88
00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:47,602
BURT: Why don't we all
just sit down?
89
00:03:47,660 --> 00:03:48,661
We gotta talk to you.
90
00:03:49,796 --> 00:03:51,139
We wanna discuss
Jeanie and Eric's wedding.
91
00:03:51,397 --> 00:03:52,501
DAVE: Oh! Sweet.
MIKE: Okay.
92
00:03:52,665 --> 00:03:55,111
DAVE: Are you guys thinking DJ or band?
First thought, band, right?
93
00:03:55,268 --> 00:03:56,838
No. People want to hear the real songs.
94
00:03:57,003 --> 00:03:59,279
You don't want to hear a guy
singing Beyoncé.
95
00:03:59,372 --> 00:04:00,680
You just want to hear Beyoncé.
96
00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:01,741
Oh.
97
00:04:01,808 --> 00:04:04,015
Yeah, but we want to talk about...
98
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,886
is you two.
99
00:04:07,347 --> 00:04:08,758
Now, over the years...
100
00:04:09,048 --> 00:04:11,961
a theme has emerged
at our family gatherings.
101
00:04:12,118 --> 00:04:13,495
Everyone's having a good time...
102
00:04:13,786 --> 00:04:15,993
- That's right.
- Things are going smoothly.
103
00:04:16,055 --> 00:04:17,193
Party time.
104
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,328
And then you two show up...
105
00:04:19,392 --> 00:04:20,393
stag...
106
00:04:20,693 --> 00:04:21,728
and you hit on girls...
107
00:04:21,961 --> 00:04:23,031
you act like idiots...
108
00:04:23,196 --> 00:04:24,766
and you ruin it.
109
00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:25,932
Ruin it.
110
00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:28,340
- What? We are not party ruiners!
- Mm-mm.
111
00:04:28,635 --> 00:04:29,841
We're party creators!
112
00:04:30,136 --> 00:04:32,946
And besides, when have we ever
ruined a family event?
113
00:04:33,239 --> 00:04:34,411
- Ah!
114
00:04:34,474 --> 00:04:35,612
We thought you might say that.
115
00:04:35,775 --> 00:04:36,845
ROSIE: Yep, here we go.
And we just stream it.
116
00:04:36,909 --> 00:04:37,910
BURT: Apple TV.
117
00:04:37,977 --> 00:04:39,012
We just need your password.
118
00:04:39,245 --> 00:04:40,656
- Bryan's baby dick 69.
- Yeah.
119
00:04:40,813 --> 00:04:42,292
BURT: Bryan's baby dick 69.
120
00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:44,219
What the fuck, guys? Really?
121
00:04:44,384 --> 00:04:45,419
- Got it. Yep.
- Is that it?
122
00:04:45,485 --> 00:04:46,486
BURT: Good.
123
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:50,067
Happy Fourth of July!
124
00:04:50,323 --> 00:04:51,393
(ALL CHEERING)
125
00:04:51,457 --> 00:04:52,492
Oh, shit!
126
00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:56,338
(ALL SCREAMING)
127
00:04:56,496 --> 00:04:57,975
It was fun up to that point.
128
00:04:58,298 --> 00:04:59,834
-(EXPLOSION)
-(ALL SCREAMING)
129
00:05:01,734 --> 00:05:02,735
(BOTH LAUGHING)
130
00:05:06,939 --> 00:05:09,010
God damn it! My trailer!
131
00:05:11,277 --> 00:05:12,688
(ALL CHEERING)
132
00:05:13,813 --> 00:05:14,814
(SCREAMING)
133
00:05:17,183 --> 00:05:18,253
(LAUGHING) Oh, shit.
134
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:20,525
Actually, this is what
we're trying to avoid.
135
00:05:20,687 --> 00:05:21,893
-(CRYING)
-(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
136
00:05:21,954 --> 00:05:24,025
- The both of you are fucking idiots.
-Fucking losers!
137
00:05:25,825 --> 00:05:26,929
(ALL CHEERING)
138
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:29,329
(COUGHING)
139
00:05:33,199 --> 00:05:36,203
JEANIE: Grandpa, wake up! Take his tie.
140
00:05:36,369 --> 00:05:39,475
Are you saying we had something to do
with Grandfather's death? Hmm?
141
00:05:39,539 --> 00:05:41,610
He died five years after that!
142
00:05:41,774 --> 00:05:43,685
That is a lot of guilt to put us.
Shame on you.
143
00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:46,221
Plus, this video only shows
the screw-ups.
144
00:05:46,479 --> 00:05:48,652
Where's the epic tracking
shots of smiling faces?
145
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:50,953
And everybody looking at us,
just going...
146
00:05:51,117 --> 00:05:53,154
"God, I love Mike and Dave.
147
00:05:53,319 --> 00:05:55,424
"They made this whole party worth it."
148
00:05:55,688 --> 00:05:58,168
When are the two of you
going to grow up?
149
00:05:58,391 --> 00:06:00,496
This shtick was cute for a while...
150
00:06:00,660 --> 00:06:02,071
but it's gotten stale.
151
00:06:02,228 --> 00:06:04,139
Mom, come on, what are you...
152
00:06:04,864 --> 00:06:07,504
You're talking about us like
we're a couple of losers or something.
153
00:06:07,667 --> 00:06:10,739
BURT: What we don't want you to do is
go chasing girls and get out of control.
154
00:06:10,903 --> 00:06:12,211
You understand?
155
00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:13,646
Wait, we can still talk to girls, right?
156
00:06:13,806 --> 00:06:15,251
You can each talk to one girl.
157
00:06:15,408 --> 00:06:16,716
The girIs that you bring to the wedding.
158
00:06:17,410 --> 00:06:18,411
What do you mean?
159
00:06:18,478 --> 00:06:20,389
I want you to bring a date.
160
00:06:20,546 --> 00:06:22,423
That's two dates.
161
00:06:22,582 --> 00:06:25,062
You want us to bring dates to a wedding?
162
00:06:25,118 --> 00:06:26,119
Excuse me?
163
00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:27,323
Are you allowed to do that?
164
00:06:27,487 --> 00:06:28,727
Nice, respectable, smart girls!
165
00:06:29,021 --> 00:06:30,159
Keep you in line.
166
00:06:30,323 --> 00:06:31,529
- What the fuck?
- What?
167
00:06:31,691 --> 00:06:33,034
- Are you insane?
- Oh, you're kidding.
168
00:06:33,192 --> 00:06:35,433
You are not screwing up this wedding.
Do you hear me?
169
00:06:35,595 --> 00:06:38,337
Mom, do you hear this river of horse shit
coming out of Dad's mouth?
170
00:06:38,498 --> 00:06:41,536
We don't want you showing up stag
and riling each other up!
171
00:06:41,701 --> 00:06:44,113
- We don't rile each other up!
- We never get riled up!
172
00:06:44,270 --> 00:06:46,409
- I don't get riled!
- He doesn't and I don't, either!
173
00:06:46,706 --> 00:06:48,276
Look at you right now! You're riled!
174
00:06:48,374 --> 00:06:50,581
- Take your head out of your ass, Dad!
- You sound insane right now.
175
00:06:50,676 --> 00:06:53,247
Everybody stop yelling! Okay?
176
00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:55,620
You guys bringing wedding dates
was my idea.
177
00:06:57,183 --> 00:06:59,754
Look, I love the shit out of you guys.
178
00:07:00,052 --> 00:07:02,931
But everyone is already stressed out
about this wedding...
179
00:07:03,222 --> 00:07:05,964
and I just need you to be cool.
180
00:07:06,859 --> 00:07:07,860
Of course, Jeanie!
181
00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:09,368
Please?
182
00:07:09,529 --> 00:07:10,564
For me?
183
00:07:10,797 --> 00:07:13,141
I promise. We would never do anything
to mess up your wedding.
184
00:07:13,766 --> 00:07:14,972
MIKE: Jeanie, we love you.
185
00:07:15,535 --> 00:07:16,809
We want this to be
the best day of your life.
186
00:07:16,869 --> 00:07:17,870
Yeah.
187
00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:19,041
You, too, Eric.
188
00:07:19,105 --> 00:07:20,311
- Oh.
- Oh. Thank you.
189
00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:21,607
Mostly you, though, Jeanie.
190
00:07:21,674 --> 00:07:22,675
(CHUCKLES)
191
00:07:22,742 --> 00:07:24,722
If you want us to bring dates,
we're bringing dates.
192
00:07:24,777 --> 00:07:25,847
All right, it's settled then.
193
00:07:27,313 --> 00:07:28,690
Wedding dates!
194
00:07:29,048 --> 00:07:31,585
Dave, buddy, let me talk to you
for a second, okay? Listen.
195
00:07:31,751 --> 00:07:33,822
I'm sorry to lump you in with Mike...
196
00:07:33,986 --> 00:07:35,659
but if I only told your older brother
to bring a date...
197
00:07:35,822 --> 00:07:37,426
he'd get all weird about it.
198
00:07:37,657 --> 00:07:39,728
I just feel like he's holding you back.
199
00:07:39,892 --> 00:07:41,428
Dad, I don't mind
being lumped in with Mike.
200
00:07:41,661 --> 00:07:43,004
Do you remember
the fifth grade bake sale...
201
00:07:43,162 --> 00:07:44,197
when Mom made those cupcakes...
202
00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:45,636
and I called them moist?
203
00:07:45,798 --> 00:07:48,108
- Mm-hmm.
- Everyone called me Moist...
204
00:07:48,267 --> 00:07:50,178
till Mike took a cupcake...
205
00:07:50,336 --> 00:07:52,976
and shoved it in Tom Ginty's face.
206
00:07:53,139 --> 00:07:56,450
He said, "Now you're moist, Moist."
207
00:07:57,577 --> 00:07:59,682
That's the kind of guy Mike is.
208
00:07:59,946 --> 00:08:01,482
So, think on that...
209
00:08:02,415 --> 00:08:03,621
Dad.
210
00:08:05,918 --> 00:08:08,023
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to end that
on such a weird note, Dad.
211
00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:10,191
- I love you. And thanks.
- Good. I don't want you to be mad.
212
00:08:10,289 --> 00:08:11,427
I'm not even mad. I'm not even upset.
213
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:12,526
We're gonna find some dates.
214
00:08:13,659 --> 00:08:16,230
TATIANA: I gotta say, some nights,
lam not looking my best.
215
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,442
But tonight is not one of those nights!
216
00:08:18,564 --> 00:08:19,565
(LAUGHS)
217
00:08:19,632 --> 00:08:20,838
- Do you like my hair?
- Yeah, girl.
218
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,502
- You look good.
- No.
219
00:08:22,668 --> 00:08:23,840
We're gonna make a lot of tips tonight.
220
00:08:24,103 --> 00:08:26,014
Good. We need it.
We don't have any money.
221
00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:27,977
Uh, you got money for this ride, don't you?
222
00:08:28,474 --> 00:08:29,817
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
223
00:08:29,876 --> 00:08:30,877
(WHISPERING) 'Cause you have money?
224
00:08:30,943 --> 00:08:31,978
I thought you had money.
225
00:08:32,044 --> 00:08:33,045
I don't have any money.
226
00:08:33,112 --> 00:08:34,113
You know I don't have money.
227
00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:36,717
Yeah, y'all are whispering like people
that don't got money.
228
00:08:36,883 --> 00:08:38,328
Check it out. I'mma pay you right now.
229
00:08:38,784 --> 00:08:40,161
Boop. I Apple Paid.
230
00:08:40,219 --> 00:08:41,357
I don't even have Apple Pay.
231
00:08:41,654 --> 00:08:43,395
Yo, Siri, pay this man.
232
00:08:43,689 --> 00:08:44,690
He's already paid.
233
00:08:44,757 --> 00:08:45,758
God damn it!
234
00:08:45,825 --> 00:08:48,237
I'm not gonna take shit from you,
because this my cab.
235
00:08:48,394 --> 00:08:49,839
You shouldn't take shit from us.
236
00:08:49,896 --> 00:08:52,137
- You should kick us out!
- You should kick us out of this cab.
237
00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:55,304
You know what? I'm gonna kick you
the fuck out of this cab.
238
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:57,609
Yeah, just go three more blocks up
on the right...
239
00:08:57,670 --> 00:08:58,705
and then kick us out!
240
00:08:59,071 --> 00:09:00,846
-(BRAKES SCREECHING)
- Here we are!
241
00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:02,208
Get out of my cab.
242
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:03,683
Thank you. You're a really good person.
243
00:09:03,843 --> 00:09:04,878
Okay, God bless you.
244
00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:07,524
I'm just gonna start driving for Uber.
Fuck it.
245
00:09:07,980 --> 00:09:08,981
Ooh. I got a good idea.
246
00:09:09,148 --> 00:09:10,821
Let's pop off, get a couple of drinks
before work.
247
00:09:10,983 --> 00:09:13,054
Just a few,
because I don't want to get hammered.
248
00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:14,721
Yeah, of course not. Just a light buzz.
249
00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:19,559
(ALL CHEERING)
250
00:09:21,327 --> 00:09:22,704
Hey, hey, he?!
251
00:09:22,862 --> 00:09:24,398
Welcome to Sake Bombers...
252
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,771
where your first Sake Bomb is on us!
253
00:09:26,933 --> 00:09:28,844
- Kaboom!
- You're drunk, Alice.
254
00:09:29,068 --> 00:09:30,706
You're doing that thing
where you're whispering,
255
00:09:30,770 --> 00:09:31,908
but you're really yelling.
256
00:09:32,071 --> 00:09:33,379
Because I'm upset with you.
257
00:09:33,539 --> 00:09:34,574
Oh, what the hell?
258
00:09:34,740 --> 00:09:36,014
ALICE: I don't understand
why you just started
259
00:09:36,075 --> 00:09:37,076
yelling at me for no reason.
260
00:09:37,143 --> 00:09:38,645
What the hell is going on here?
261
00:09:38,744 --> 00:09:39,950
Your little buddy is shit-faced.
262
00:09:41,113 --> 00:09:42,387
Straight up.
263
00:09:42,548 --> 00:09:44,892
Her fiancé just left her at the altar.
264
00:09:45,184 --> 00:09:46,185
She's been going through a hard time.
265
00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:48,357
- Are you guys talking about me?
- No, baby girl.
266
00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:49,900
You know how many times
I have come in here...
267
00:09:50,056 --> 00:09:54,004
and she is drunk off her fucking ass,
dancing on the tables?
268
00:09:54,126 --> 00:09:57,300
Only when Rihanna comes on,
because it's my jam.
269
00:09:57,463 --> 00:09:59,204
I am a strong independent woman.
270
00:09:59,465 --> 00:10:03,038
And I will get on a table
and shake my shit to RiRi.
271
00:10:03,202 --> 00:10:05,204
Because it's my right.
America!
272
00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:06,272
Feminism!
273
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:07,884
You just push your tits up
and say feminism?
274
00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:09,417
Yeah. Read a Twitter.
275
00:10:09,842 --> 00:10:12,686
#2016. Women can do shit now.
276
00:10:12,745 --> 00:10:13,746
(Oil/L Y GIRL IN THE WORLD PLAYING}
277
00:10:15,481 --> 00:10:16,926
RONNIE: Don't do that!
278
00:10:17,083 --> 00:10:18,585
Who put her jam on?
279
00:10:18,884 --> 00:10:20,921
Queen RiRi, forever!
280
00:10:21,087 --> 00:10:22,998
I'm really sorry that I got us fired.
281
00:10:23,255 --> 00:10:25,462
I'm just sort of surprised
it didn't happen sooner...
282
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:27,070
-but I'm still really sorry.
- Hey!
283
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:30,473
Alice, you do not apologize
right now, okay?
284
00:10:30,563 --> 00:10:31,667
You didn't do one thing wrong.
285
00:10:31,897 --> 00:10:34,138
- Okay.
- People need to get in line with you.
286
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:36,337
Right. You're right.
287
00:10:36,502 --> 00:10:38,243
Alice, why are you watching
your wedding video?
288
00:10:38,404 --> 00:10:39,474
FATHER MIKE ON VIDEO:
AndA/ice...
289
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:40,913
do you take Luke?
290
00:10:40,973 --> 00:10:42,008
I do.
291
00:10:42,074 --> 00:10:43,075
ALICE: Because it's therapeutic.
292
00:10:43,676 --> 00:10:44,950
The more I watch it, the less I feel.
293
00:10:45,077 --> 00:10:46,147
FATHER MIKE: And do you,
Luke, take Alice?
294
00:10:46,345 --> 00:10:47,346
Ida...
295
00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:48,781
not.
296
00:10:49,281 --> 00:10:50,589
(PEOPLE GASPING)
297
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:52,523
Oh, man. Fuck you, Luke.
298
00:10:53,052 --> 00:10:54,326
Oh, fuck that guy.
299
00:10:54,587 --> 00:10:55,827
Fuck him right in his dick.
300
00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:57,023
No!
301
00:10:57,189 --> 00:11:00,966
Because now I'm picturing his dick
getting fucked by another dick.
302
00:11:01,127 --> 00:11:02,538
And it makes me want to protect it.
303
00:11:03,863 --> 00:11:06,343
Oh, my God, girl! Damn!
304
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:08,172
You're better than this. Come on!
305
00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:09,813
We're T and A!
306
00:11:09,969 --> 00:11:12,472
Where's the Alice who made
vodka pot brownies with me...
307
00:11:12,638 --> 00:11:14,015
for the junior high science fair?
308
00:11:14,173 --> 00:11:15,652
Or gave us water balloon tits
309
00:11:15,708 --> 00:11:17,312
and we won that wet T-shirt contest
in Mexico?
310
00:11:17,476 --> 00:11:19,615
Oh, yeah, they were so nice.
311
00:11:19,779 --> 00:11:21,452
I know, dude. We need that shit.
312
00:11:21,714 --> 00:11:23,284
I'm tired of living like this.
313
00:11:24,283 --> 00:11:25,853
We need an adventure.
314
00:11:27,987 --> 00:11:30,365
We've got a great little package
we're selling here, man.
315
00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:32,799
A week in a tropical paradise...
316
00:11:32,958 --> 00:11:35,905
with two fun-loving,
yet surprisingly well-read bros?
317
00:11:36,028 --> 00:11:37,029
Yeah.
318
00:11:37,096 --> 00:11:38,871
I read most of the Goosebumps series,
and so did you.
319
00:11:38,931 --> 00:11:39,932
Yeah.
320
00:11:39,999 --> 00:11:41,000
Where do I sign up?
321
00:11:41,067 --> 00:11:42,273
Dude, focus.
322
00:11:42,334 --> 00:11:44,075
- Okay.
- This is for Jeanie.
323
00:11:44,336 --> 00:11:46,748
So to find the perfect fun,
but nice girls...
324
00:11:46,839 --> 00:11:47,840
we're gonna have to meet a lot of them.
325
00:11:48,274 --> 00:11:49,275
The Internet!
326
00:11:49,508 --> 00:11:50,509
That's a good idea.
327
00:11:50,743 --> 00:11:52,222
Match.com, Tinder...
328
00:11:52,378 --> 00:11:53,948
Grindr, OkCupid.
329
00:11:54,013 --> 00:11:55,014
Craigslist!
330
00:11:55,181 --> 00:11:56,251
Craigslist?
331
00:11:56,315 --> 00:11:58,420
Craigslist, you think,
that's where you go to meet nice girls?
332
00:11:58,517 --> 00:11:59,689
Dave?
333
00:11:59,852 --> 00:12:01,525
We met this couch on Craigslist.
334
00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:04,629
And you wuv this couch, don't you?
335
00:12:05,691 --> 00:12:07,830
I do love that couch.
336
00:12:08,694 --> 00:12:10,264
DAVE: I'm gonna unlock
the swag on this bitch.
337
00:12:10,596 --> 00:12:11,597
All right.
338
00:12:11,664 --> 00:12:14,304
Here you go. Just take a little sip.
Take a little nip-a-roo.
339
00:12:15,668 --> 00:12:17,705
(BOTH LAUGHING)
340
00:12:17,770 --> 00:12:18,771
Boom!
341
00:12:19,672 --> 00:12:20,980
Do you think anyone's even really gonna
see this?
342
00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:22,041
God, I hope so.
343
00:12:22,341 --> 00:12:23,513
Like max, what do you think?
344
00:12:23,676 --> 00:12:26,350
We're gonna get, like, five or six dates
out of this, or what?
345
00:12:26,512 --> 00:12:28,116
I'd be happy with that.
346
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:35,155
Hey.
347
00:12:35,221 --> 00:12:37,667
Did you see this thing
that Shelly's sending around the office?
348
00:12:37,890 --> 00:12:39,961
It's a free trip to Hawaii!
349
00:12:40,126 --> 00:12:41,696
Look what someone
posted to my Facebook.
350
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:44,071
- I gotta tweet this out.
- WOMAN 1: Those guys are cute.
351
00:12:44,230 --> 00:12:45,265
HI LTY: Ala-hat!
352
00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:46,705
ALL". I got the one on the right.
353
00:12:46,866 --> 00:12:48,470
I like the one on the right.
354
00:12:48,634 --> 00:12:49,635
Oh, I got the one on the right.
355
00:12:49,702 --> 00:12:51,943
I like the one on the right.
356
00:12:52,071 --> 00:12:53,072
We gotta send this to everyone.
357
00:12:53,139 --> 00:12:54,174
TANISHA: Let's all apply!
358
00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:55,275
WOMAN Z". I want to go to Hawaii.
359
00:12:55,374 --> 00:12:56,375
WOMAN 3: {just emailed them.
360
00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:57,648
WOMAN A: Let's just meet them,
give 'em a chance.
361
00:12:57,710 --> 00:12:59,815
So, you guys want to go to a wedding?
362
00:13:00,045 --> 00:13:01,080
(BOTH LAUGHING)
363
00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:02,482
Uh, what are your names?
364
00:13:02,715 --> 00:13:03,750
(CONTINUE LAUGHING)
365
00:13:04,150 --> 00:13:05,151
Do you guys have names?
366
00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:09,665
Basically we were looking through
Craigslist for work.
367
00:13:10,322 --> 00:13:11,494
Oh, you're both...
368
00:13:11,557 --> 00:13:12,558
CALL GIRL: Prostitutes.
369
00:13:12,825 --> 00:13:14,361
Whatever. Take us to Hawaii!
370
00:13:14,426 --> 00:13:15,427
Hawaii!
371
00:13:15,928 --> 00:13:17,430
(ALL CHEERING)
372
00:13:18,564 --> 00:13:19,872
We can't take you.
373
00:13:19,932 --> 00:13:20,933
No way.
374
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:23,276
Did you guys say something about
an all-expenses-paid trip to Hawaii?
375
00:13:23,502 --> 00:13:24,640
It's just for girls.
376
00:13:25,004 --> 00:13:26,779
That's not a deal breaker.
377
00:13:27,006 --> 00:13:28,110
Hi, my name is Lauralie...
378
00:13:28,274 --> 00:13:29,582
and I'm kind of new to this.
379
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:30,643
Yeah.
380
00:13:30,709 --> 00:13:31,847
You're new to...
381
00:13:32,144 --> 00:13:33,623
Online dating. Yeah.
382
00:13:33,779 --> 00:13:36,157
I'm not really looking
for a heteronormative relationship.
383
00:13:36,282 --> 00:13:38,853
- You look like a Nike swoosh.
- Goddamn right, I do.
384
00:13:39,018 --> 00:13:40,019
I work at a dog shelter.
385
00:13:40,286 --> 00:13:41,663
Our sister loves dogs.
386
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:42,993
I wanna make sure
they get really good homes.
387
00:13:43,055 --> 00:13:44,056
What's a good home?
388
00:13:44,623 --> 00:13:45,863
The white homes.
389
00:13:46,025 --> 00:13:47,971
- The what homes?
- The white homes.
390
00:13:48,127 --> 00:13:49,333
Like white people.
391
00:13:51,797 --> 00:13:53,333
Check, please.
392
00:13:53,632 --> 00:13:55,703
This isn't lipstick. This is a tattoo,
you dumb fuck.
393
00:13:56,101 --> 00:13:57,546
(BOTH LAUGHING)
394
00:13:57,703 --> 00:14:00,547
Who are you laughing at? Who?
395
00:14:00,806 --> 00:14:01,978
All right, look, here's the deal.
396
00:14:02,274 --> 00:14:04,481
I went through a divorce, like,
three weeks ago. I need a vacation.
397
00:14:04,777 --> 00:14:06,154
No.
398
00:14:06,212 --> 00:14:07,213
Okay, you guys sure
you don't want to fuck?
399
00:14:07,313 --> 00:14:08,314
- What?
- Nothing.
400
00:14:08,447 --> 00:14:09,482
- DAVE: What did you say?
- Nothing.
401
00:14:09,548 --> 00:14:11,858
Sounded like you said,
"Do you wanna fuck?"
402
00:14:11,917 --> 00:14:12,918
Do you wanna fuck?
403
00:14:13,052 --> 00:14:14,087
- What?
- What?
404
00:14:14,153 --> 00:14:15,461
- What?
- You guys...
405
00:14:15,621 --> 00:14:16,725
- Do you want me to fuck you?
- No.
406
00:14:16,889 --> 00:14:18,368
- No.
- I didn't say it, but...
407
00:14:18,457 --> 00:14:20,596
- I'll suck your dick right now. What?
- What?
408
00:14:24,129 --> 00:14:25,540
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
409
00:14:25,664 --> 00:14:27,041
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
410
00:14:27,199 --> 00:14:28,200
Welcome back.
411
00:14:28,367 --> 00:14:30,540
I'm here with Mike and Dave Stangle...
412
00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:32,376
who posted an ad on Craigslist...
413
00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:34,279
looking for dates
for their sister's wedding...
414
00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:36,577
in Oahu, Hawaii.
415
00:14:36,742 --> 00:14:37,846
Well, the ad went viral.
416
00:14:38,010 --> 00:14:39,045
Mm-hmm.
417
00:14:39,211 --> 00:14:41,589
WENDY: It racked up over 6,000 responses...
418
00:14:41,747 --> 00:14:43,988
from women who actually wanted to go.
419
00:14:44,049 --> 00:14:45,050
Yeah, well, who's counting?
420
00:14:45,217 --> 00:14:46,662
You know, I guess we all are.
421
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:47,921
Is this my close-up?
422
00:14:48,087 --> 00:14:49,589
WENDY: You guys, come on. Craigslist?
423
00:14:49,755 --> 00:14:52,167
MIKE: Honestly, this is about
finding nice girls...
424
00:14:52,324 --> 00:14:54,668
to go with us to Hawaii
for our sister's wedding.
425
00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:55,999
And {just want to reiterate...
426
00:14:56,161 --> 00:14:58,641
we 're footing the bill for this
because we 're gentlemen.
427
00:14:58,898 --> 00:14:59,933
Free trip to Hawaii?
428
00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:01,601
(GASPS) I'm awake!
429
00:15:01,667 --> 00:15:02,941
- WENDY: Come on. Craigslist.
- What's up?
430
00:15:03,102 --> 00:15:04,513
That's where you go
to buy old patio furniture.
431
00:15:04,670 --> 00:15:05,910
You know what else you can find
on Craigslist?
432
00:15:06,071 --> 00:15:07,106
Mm-hmm.
433
00:15:07,539 --> 00:15:08,882
- Love.
-Mm-mm.
434
00:15:09,041 --> 00:15:11,214
That's right. I said it.
435
00:15:11,377 --> 00:15:13,050
- Love.
- ALICE: That one seems sweet.
436
00:15:13,279 --> 00:15:15,350
He has a kind soul.
437
00:15:15,514 --> 00:15:17,516
Yeah, and he's also super hot.
438
00:15:19,385 --> 00:15:21,228
Yeah, he's hot as fucking balls.
439
00:15:21,387 --> 00:15:23,799
But just to repeat,
we're looking for nice girls.
440
00:15:23,956 --> 00:15:27,233
Like, girIs that our mom and our sister
would like.
441
00:15:27,393 --> 00:15:30,738
Okay, look, dude,
we are going to Hawaii.
442
00:15:30,963 --> 00:15:32,340
Let's go on vacation.
443
00:15:32,631 --> 00:15:34,406
But it's not a vacation. it's a wedding.
444
00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:36,976
Do you really think a wedding's
the best place for me?
445
00:15:37,136 --> 00:15:40,413
Since the last wedding I went to
was mine...
446
00:15:40,572 --> 00:15:42,074
and it didn't turn out very well.
447
00:15:42,141 --> 00:15:43,142
I hear you, but look...
448
00:15:43,375 --> 00:15:45,821
this shit is why this shit
is perfect, okay?
449
00:15:45,978 --> 00:15:48,151
Because ever since Luke left,
you haven't been the same.
450
00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:50,893
You need to get over that
, once and for all.
451
00:15:51,050 --> 00:15:52,154
And this our shot, man.
452
00:15:52,451 --> 00:15:54,431
That dude,
he's gonna get your groove back.
453
00:15:54,653 --> 00:15:57,657
This right here is an opportunity
of a lifetime...
454
00:15:57,823 --> 00:15:59,996
and you know we are entrepreneurs.
455
00:16:00,159 --> 00:16:01,160
You know what?
456
00:16:01,327 --> 00:16:03,568
Let's make these guys take us to Hawaii!
457
00:16:03,729 --> 00:16:05,402
You're right! Let's do it!
458
00:16:05,564 --> 00:16:06,565
Let's just do it!
459
00:16:06,632 --> 00:16:07,667
- Yes, bitch.
- Let's fucking do it!
460
00:16:08,667 --> 00:16:09,975
- We 'll be right back.
-(WOM EN WHOOPING)
461
00:16:10,035 --> 00:16:11,036
TATIANA: We gonna go to Hawaii!
462
00:16:11,303 --> 00:16:13,249
We gonna go to Hawaii!
463
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:15,975
Whoa! Whoa!
464
00:16:16,108 --> 00:16:17,280
- Hold up!
- What?
465
00:16:18,677 --> 00:16:21,954
Those boys said they wanted nice girls.
We don't look like nice girls.
466
00:16:22,948 --> 00:16:24,859
Yeah, I guess
I haven't showered in a while.
467
00:16:25,150 --> 00:16:26,993
Fine, well,
you know what we're gonna do?
468
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:30,960
We're gonna look respectable as fuck.
469
00:16:31,256 --> 00:16:32,462
Like nice girls.
470
00:16:34,526 --> 00:16:35,834
Ugh. (SNIFFLES)
471
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,066
Dude, it's like that Jesus rag!
472
00:16:39,131 --> 00:16:40,701
Ow! it's part of me.
473
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:43,480
Tatiana, your underwear
needs more underwears.
474
00:16:44,937 --> 00:16:45,938
Whoa!
475
00:16:48,374 --> 00:16:50,320
Oh, this dress is my bitch!
476
00:16:52,978 --> 00:16:54,980
Dude, we have met 37 insane women.
477
00:16:56,215 --> 00:16:57,523
We can't bring any of these girls.
478
00:16:57,683 --> 00:16:59,720
Maybe Dad'll just forget about
his ultimatum.
479
00:16:59,885 --> 00:17:02,832
Why would Dad forget about
an old tomato?
480
00:17:03,389 --> 00:17:05,027
No, his ultimatum.
481
00:17:05,190 --> 00:17:06,362
- Old tom...
- Ultimatum.
482
00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:07,560
Are you saying "old tomato"?
483
00:17:07,826 --> 00:17:10,466
Ultima-tomb. Like a tomb or a crypt.
484
00:17:10,529 --> 00:17:11,564
Ultimatum.
485
00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:14,940
Well, we gotta figure something out,
because the wedding's coming up quick.
486
00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:16,301
(swans)
487
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,580
BOTH: Why is everything a competition
with you?
488
00:17:26,812 --> 00:17:29,088
And I said that first, so actually,
lwon that.
489
00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:33,090
ALICE: So what time
are we meeting them?
490
00:17:33,252 --> 00:17:35,027
Technically, no time.
491
00:17:36,488 --> 00:17:38,559
Yeah, because I was thinking about
emailing them...
492
00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:40,328
but then I was thinking, um...
493
00:17:40,492 --> 00:17:43,371
what kind of floozy-ass bimbo
would respond to that ad?
494
00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:44,764
Um...
495
00:17:44,863 --> 00:17:45,864
Us.
496
00:17:46,031 --> 00:17:48,511
Yeah, but we're not like those idiots.
You know what I'm saying?
497
00:17:48,667 --> 00:17:51,477
Because they're all like,
"Oh! Pick me, pick me!"
498
00:17:51,770 --> 00:17:53,772
it's like the guys interviewing the girls.
499
00:17:53,939 --> 00:17:56,442
Like, it immediately would put us
in an inferior position.
500
00:17:56,608 --> 00:17:58,610
We're gonna flip the script
and Bachelarette that shit.
501
00:17:58,877 --> 00:18:01,050
- Those guys would be lucky to have us.
- Right.
502
00:18:01,213 --> 00:18:03,284
- We just gotta make them think so.
- Okay, right.
503
00:18:03,382 --> 00:18:05,555
But, you know,
I'm really not good at lying...
504
00:18:05,651 --> 00:18:07,995
because I always try to start small
and then it gets crazy...
505
00:18:08,053 --> 00:18:10,761
and I make-up stuff
that couldn't possibly be true.
506
00:18:11,056 --> 00:18:13,696
Baby, you can do this.
Let's practice, okay?
507
00:18:13,759 --> 00:18:14,760
Okay.
508
00:18:14,827 --> 00:18:15,897
- Um, what do you like to do?
- Drink.
509
00:18:16,962 --> 00:18:18,202
Just sweet teas.
510
00:18:18,464 --> 00:18:20,444
Sweet teas and biscuits on blimps.
511
00:18:20,599 --> 00:18:22,738
All right, straight up,
you don't have to do an accent.
512
00:18:22,901 --> 00:18:23,936
I was doing an accent?
513
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:25,173
And definitely don't bring up blimps.
514
00:18:25,437 --> 00:18:26,745
Shit! They're leaving.
515
00:18:26,972 --> 00:18:28,212
If it was a competition, I won it.
516
00:18:28,474 --> 00:18:30,545
All right, don't worry.
517
00:18:30,709 --> 00:18:31,710
It's all part of the plan.
518
00:18:31,877 --> 00:18:32,981
- Is it?
- Oh, yeah.
519
00:18:33,145 --> 00:18:35,625
What does that mean? What plan?
I don't know this part of the plan...
520
00:18:35,714 --> 00:18:36,715
Whoa! Ahh!
521
00:18:37,216 --> 00:18:38,217
- Oh, fuck!
-(MEN GASP)
522
00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:39,284
-(GROANING)
-(PEOPLE GASPING)
523
00:18:40,052 --> 00:18:41,929
Tatiana! Oh!
524
00:18:41,987 --> 00:18:42,988
Holy shit.
525
00:18:43,222 --> 00:18:44,223
Babe. Are you okay?
526
00:18:44,456 --> 00:18:46,299
I'm okay. Yell, "She can't breathe!"
527
00:18:46,458 --> 00:18:47,562
She can't breathe!
528
00:18:47,726 --> 00:18:49,137
She can't breathe!
Somebody help her!
529
00:18:49,194 --> 00:18:50,195
Somebody give her CPR!
530
00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:51,998
- She can't breathe!
- I know CPR!
531
00:18:52,164 --> 00:18:53,609
- Great!
- I was a volunteer EMT!
532
00:18:53,832 --> 00:18:55,140
Hey, don't worry.
My brother's got this, okay?
533
00:18:55,334 --> 00:18:56,870
I took a class. I know what I'm doing.
534
00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:58,137
- ALICE: She has a weak heart!
- Ma'am?
535
00:18:58,403 --> 00:18:59,575
- Ma'am?
- She has a weak heart.
536
00:18:59,738 --> 00:19:01,877
I'm an EMT.
I'm like a doctor, basically.
537
00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:04,781
I'm here to save your fucking life, okay?
538
00:19:04,943 --> 00:19:07,184
- She's my only friend!
- That's her only friend, Mike!
539
00:19:07,412 --> 00:19:08,550
We got a pulse! Okay.
540
00:19:08,614 --> 00:19:09,854
Don't let her die!
541
00:19:09,915 --> 00:19:11,656
Don't you fucking let her die, Mike!
542
00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:13,854
Just shut the fuck up, Dave!
You, too, shut up!
543
00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:15,757
Both of you, shut up! Okay?
544
00:19:15,854 --> 00:19:16,855
I'm gonna save her life!
545
00:19:17,356 --> 00:19:18,664
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
546
00:19:19,958 --> 00:19:20,959
Plug the nose.
547
00:19:23,629 --> 00:19:24,630
(GASPS)
548
00:19:24,696 --> 00:19:25,697
MIKE: Oh!
549
00:19:26,765 --> 00:19:28,244
Are you okay?
550
00:19:28,867 --> 00:19:30,107
(PANTING) I am now.
551
00:19:31,970 --> 00:19:33,472
- I saved her life!
- ALICE: She's okay!
552
00:19:33,639 --> 00:19:35,118
- She's okay?
- I saved her life!
553
00:19:35,274 --> 00:19:36,275
(ALL CHEERING)
554
00:19:36,341 --> 00:19:37,843
Thank you! Thank you!
555
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:40,354
OFFICER: You're under arrest.
MAN: She hit my car!
556
00:19:40,512 --> 00:19:41,786
TATIANA: No, you guys,
I'm totally fine, really.
557
00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:42,985
It happens all the time.
558
00:19:43,148 --> 00:19:45,560
That was a vicious hit.
We should take you to the hospital.
559
00:19:45,717 --> 00:19:47,560
It's crazy.
It's almost like I owe you my life.
560
00:19:48,487 --> 00:19:50,296
- Almost.
- Yeah. Technically, yeah.
561
00:19:50,455 --> 00:19:52,526
- Let me help you with that ice.
- I do.
562
00:19:52,724 --> 00:19:53,759
Oh, no.
563
00:19:53,825 --> 00:19:55,532
Seems like it's going pretty well
with your guy.
564
00:19:55,694 --> 00:19:58,402
Dude, I'm fucking crushing it! So hard!
565
00:19:58,530 --> 00:19:59,873
-(LAUGHS)
- Check this out.
566
00:20:00,165 --> 00:20:02,975
The kids in my class
are gonna love this story.
567
00:20:03,135 --> 00:20:04,739
I'm a school teacher.
568
00:20:06,638 --> 00:20:08,982
You're a school teacher?
(CHUCKLES) Wow.
569
00:20:09,141 --> 00:20:11,883
Oop. I think they spelt "frittata"
wrong on the menu.
570
00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:13,751
I always notice words and spelling...
571
00:20:13,912 --> 00:20:15,585
because I'm a teacher...
572
00:20:16,348 --> 00:20:17,588
and that's what I do.
573
00:20:17,916 --> 00:20:19,224
(CHUCKLES) That's...
574
00:20:19,384 --> 00:20:21,887
So, Alice, um, what do you do?
575
00:20:22,721 --> 00:20:23,859
Manage a hedge fund.
576
00:20:24,189 --> 00:20:25,327
You manage a hedge fund?
577
00:20:25,490 --> 00:20:27,595
I don't even know what a hedge fund is.
578
00:20:27,759 --> 00:20:30,262
Oh. So there's a regular fund,
and then there's a hedge fund.
579
00:20:30,429 --> 00:20:32,500
And our fund...
580
00:20:33,332 --> 00:20:34,402
Uh, we hedge it.
581
00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:35,901
We hedge it hard.
582
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:37,069
Oh, wow.
583
00:20:37,769 --> 00:20:39,373
I get in, in the morning,
and I'm like...
584
00:20:39,538 --> 00:20:42,348
"How's the hedging coming?
You been hedging? You hedged much?"
585
00:20:42,608 --> 00:20:44,815
And it's like, too big to fail.
586
00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:46,954
Corporate greed, bailouts.
587
00:20:47,112 --> 00:20:49,217
In a New York minute,
everything can change.
588
00:20:49,514 --> 00:20:52,393
On the floor of the NASDAQ and the U.N.
589
00:20:52,618 --> 00:20:53,756
And then, Fannie Mae.
590
00:20:54,419 --> 00:20:56,763
Bernie Mac and D.L. Hughley...
591
00:20:56,922 --> 00:20:58,094
- Alice, you want some water?
- Yeah.
592
00:20:58,390 --> 00:21:00,165
- That's so smart.
- That is.
593
00:21:00,459 --> 00:21:02,200
(IMITATES LIAM NEESON)
"But what I do have...
594
00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:04,468
"is a particular set of skills.
595
00:21:04,529 --> 00:21:07,100
"Skills I have acquired
over a very long career.
596
00:21:07,399 --> 00:21:10,243
"Skills that make me a nightmare
for people like you."
597
00:21:12,037 --> 00:21:13,107
Click. That's it.
598
00:21:13,372 --> 00:21:14,476
That was amazing.
599
00:21:14,539 --> 00:21:15,984
It was like Dave was not even here...
600
00:21:16,141 --> 00:21:18,052
and I was just standing in a bar
with Liam Neeson.
601
00:21:18,210 --> 00:21:19,655
Like, "Hello, Liam Neeson's over here."
602
00:21:19,945 --> 00:21:22,323
You're a professional comedian
or something?
603
00:21:22,481 --> 00:21:25,291
What? No.
I sell liquor with my brother.
604
00:21:25,450 --> 00:21:26,451
- Oh.
- Yeah.
605
00:21:26,718 --> 00:21:28,425
- I do like to draw.
- Oh, yeah?
606
00:21:28,587 --> 00:21:30,066
Yeah, I have drawings here
I could show you.
607
00:21:30,889 --> 00:21:31,993
Oh, shit, not that. Sorry.
608
00:21:32,157 --> 00:21:34,296
Here. So, they're like The Avengers...
609
00:21:34,459 --> 00:21:36,166
but they're different types of alcohol.
610
00:21:36,461 --> 00:21:39,499
So, you have Tequila,
and then he's got his pet worm right there.
611
00:21:39,798 --> 00:21:41,573
And his name is Lil' Mez.
612
00:21:41,900 --> 00:21:43,345
Because he'll "Mez" you up.
613
00:21:43,502 --> 00:21:45,209
The next one right there, that's Gin.
614
00:21:45,270 --> 00:21:47,443
(IMITATES ALI G) When he flips his cap off,
dawg, he's just like...
615
00:21:47,506 --> 00:21:50,453
"Yo, I'll pop you off. Guaranteed.
One knock." (GRUNTS)
616
00:21:50,742 --> 00:21:51,812
Done.
617
00:21:51,977 --> 00:21:53,422
Next, Whiskey.
618
00:21:53,545 --> 00:21:54,546
(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
Likes to make moonshine
619
00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:56,284
and kill bad guys.
620
00:21:56,448 --> 00:21:58,325
Dude, this is objectively amazing.
621
00:21:58,383 --> 00:21:59,521
(IN NORMAL ACCENT) Thanks.
622
00:21:59,651 --> 00:22:01,961
What's the hardest thing
about being a teacher?
623
00:22:02,621 --> 00:22:03,622
I don't know.
624
00:22:05,791 --> 00:22:06,826
Oh, um...
625
00:22:06,925 --> 00:22:09,906
The hardest thing
about being a teacher...
626
00:22:09,961 --> 00:22:11,065
is teaching cursive.
627
00:22:11,363 --> 00:22:12,637
That's awesome.
628
00:22:12,798 --> 00:22:14,539
- What about you?
- Yeah?
629
00:22:14,700 --> 00:22:16,475
- Are you seeing anyone?
- No.
630
00:22:17,169 --> 00:22:18,978
My ex is gone. Long gone.
631
00:22:19,037 --> 00:22:20,038
What do you mean?
632
00:22:20,172 --> 00:22:22,049
He died. Of cancer.
633
00:22:22,307 --> 00:22:23,342
Oh, my God.
634
00:22:23,508 --> 00:22:24,509
And AIDS.
635
00:22:24,976 --> 00:22:25,977
He died twice?
636
00:22:26,311 --> 00:22:28,655
(EXHALES) And then he died
in a plane crash, so...
637
00:22:29,214 --> 00:22:31,125
Whoo! That's a lot to take in.
638
00:22:31,283 --> 00:22:33,229
I know!
639
00:22:33,752 --> 00:22:34,787
Thank you.
640
00:22:34,953 --> 00:22:36,455
Thank you, brotha.
641
00:22:38,490 --> 00:22:39,798
Dude.
642
00:22:39,958 --> 00:22:42,734
We should take these girls
to the wedding. Right?
643
00:22:42,894 --> 00:22:44,635
Mine's a sexy school teacher...
644
00:22:44,796 --> 00:22:47,140
and yours...hedges funds.
645
00:22:47,299 --> 00:22:48,676
- Just keep doing sexy eyes.
- Okay.
646
00:22:48,834 --> 00:22:50,245
Keep doing sexy eyes.
647
00:22:51,036 --> 00:22:52,310
I like Alice.
648
00:22:52,471 --> 00:22:54,849
And she's smart, she's funny,
she's weird.
649
00:22:55,140 --> 00:22:58,019
MIKE: We invite these girls to the wedding,
suddenly we're not losers.
650
00:22:58,176 --> 00:22:59,678
We're winners!
651
00:23:02,147 --> 00:23:03,182
TATIANA: Here they come.
They're coming.
652
00:23:03,415 --> 00:23:05,156
Hey, uh, this might sound crazy...
653
00:23:05,317 --> 00:23:07,888
but our little sister is getting married
in Hawaii...
654
00:23:08,186 --> 00:23:12,157
and we wanted to know
if you guys wanted to come with.
655
00:23:12,357 --> 00:23:13,893
- Um... (LAUGHS)
- Um...
656
00:23:13,992 --> 00:23:16,097
Can you just give us a second to...
657
00:23:16,661 --> 00:23:17,901
Of course.
658
00:23:18,063 --> 00:23:21,010
Okay, so just whisper
like we're talking it over...
659
00:23:21,166 --> 00:23:22,270
like we're not sure
if we wanna go or not.
660
00:23:22,334 --> 00:23:23,335
ALICE: Oh, like...
661
00:23:29,107 --> 00:23:30,177
What the fuck are you doing?
662
00:23:30,342 --> 00:23:31,878
ALICE: I don't understand
why we're arguing!
663
00:23:31,943 --> 00:23:33,115
I thought we wanted to go.
664
00:23:33,278 --> 00:23:34,518
All right, fuck it. Let's go to Hawaii!
665
00:23:34,579 --> 00:23:35,614
(WHOOPS)
666
00:23:35,714 --> 00:23:37,057
- Yes! Fuck yes!
- ALICE: Hawaii!
667
00:23:37,282 --> 00:23:38,955
(ALL WHOOPING)
668
00:23:39,651 --> 00:23:40,652
(FEEL So GOOD PLAYING)
669
00:23:40,752 --> 00:23:41,924
Yo, what you know about gain' out?
670
00:23:41,987 --> 00:23:44,228
Head west, red Lex
TV's all up in the headrest
671
00:23:44,289 --> 00:23:46,565
Try and live it up, ride true, a bigger truck
672
00:23:46,625 --> 00:23:49,128
Peeps a" glittered up
Stick up can, they go what?
673
00:23:49,227 --> 00:23:51,104
Jig wit it 'cuz ship crisp, split it all
674
00:23:51,163 --> 00:23:53,336
Ho's ride, get your nut 'till I can't get it up
675
00:23:53,498 --> 00:23:56,638
Bad, bad, bad, bad boy
676
00:23:56,735 --> 00:23:58,078
You make me feel so good
677
00:23:58,136 --> 00:23:59,137
Aloha, and welcome.
678
00:23:59,304 --> 00:24:00,305
- Hi.
- Aloha.
679
00:24:00,405 --> 00:24:01,543
For real?
680
00:24:01,606 --> 00:24:03,142
Let me get you gentlemen
checked in, yeah?
681
00:24:04,476 --> 00:24:07,320
Holy shit, this place is nice!
682
00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:10,585
It's gonna be more nice.
683
00:24:10,749 --> 00:24:12,990
Nice girls don't show off their ecstasy.
684
00:24:13,151 --> 00:24:14,459
One of these is a multivitamin.
685
00:24:14,619 --> 00:24:15,620
Is this shit free?
686
00:24:15,787 --> 00:24:18,495
I can smoke weed out of this,
I can smoke weed out of this...
687
00:24:18,690 --> 00:24:21,830
Look at that teacher,
grabbing her apple a day.
688
00:24:22,260 --> 00:24:25,104
Look at that personality from behind.
689
00:24:25,263 --> 00:24:27,209
It is, dare I say...
690
00:24:27,365 --> 00:24:28,844
-well-rounded.
- Mmm-hmm.
691
00:24:28,934 --> 00:24:29,935
TATIANA: Look at Mike.
692
00:24:30,101 --> 00:24:32,274
He looks like a funhouse mirror version
of a better looking dude...
693
00:24:33,305 --> 00:24:34,579
but he is just that dude.
694
00:24:35,774 --> 00:24:37,811
Dave, it is so on this weekend.
695
00:24:37,976 --> 00:24:40,354
(LAUGHS) I am not touching this guy
the whole weekend.
696
00:24:40,512 --> 00:24:42,822
He thinks just because he brought me here
I'm gonna sleep with him?
697
00:24:42,881 --> 00:24:43,882
Check it out.
698
00:24:43,982 --> 00:24:46,155
If this was Mike's dick, I'd be like...
699
00:24:46,218 --> 00:24:48,027
-(SINGING) Duo, duo, duo, duo, duo...
-(LAUGHING)
700
00:24:48,119 --> 00:24:49,621
I'd get close, but I'd never touch it.
701
00:24:50,355 --> 00:24:52,631
They have such beautiful flowers here.
702
00:24:52,791 --> 00:24:55,203
She's throwing out
serious vibes right now.
703
00:24:55,260 --> 00:24:56,432
I'm like, I'm hungry.
704
00:24:56,495 --> 00:24:57,701
I'm gonna butter them biscuits.
705
00:24:57,963 --> 00:24:59,636
I'm gonna haste them ham hocks.
706
00:24:59,798 --> 00:25:01,209
I'm gonna be like a sex chef.
707
00:25:01,466 --> 00:25:03,309
Mr. Grey will see you now.
708
00:25:03,668 --> 00:25:04,840
I'm gonna touch Dave.
709
00:25:05,003 --> 00:25:06,380
Every time he says something sweet...
710
00:25:06,538 --> 00:25:09,576
I wanna get some rope and chain
in bulk from Home Depot...
711
00:25:09,741 --> 00:25:11,652
and just see where it takes us,
you know?
712
00:25:11,810 --> 00:25:13,585
That is messed up.
713
00:25:14,145 --> 00:25:15,988
Ladies, your wedding itineraries.
714
00:25:16,147 --> 00:25:17,626
#DoingltForJeanie.
715
00:25:17,682 --> 00:25:19,559
DAVE: Today, we have
the meet and greet by the pool.
716
00:25:19,684 --> 00:25:21,686
And then after that,
we have a dolphin excursion.
717
00:25:21,753 --> 00:25:23,255
Friday is the rehearsal dinner.
718
00:25:23,321 --> 00:25:24,425
Mmm-hmm.
719
00:25:24,489 --> 00:25:26,628
That's where Dave and I are gonna be
doing our big speech.
720
00:25:26,691 --> 00:25:28,728
(CLEARS THROAT)
Will there be any downtime?
721
00:25:28,894 --> 00:25:30,567
ALICE: Yeah, 'cause I gotta
keep in touch with the office.
722
00:25:30,729 --> 00:25:32,936
I gotta call my stocks
about the state of my bonds.
723
00:25:32,998 --> 00:25:33,999
It happens a lot.
724
00:25:34,266 --> 00:25:36,712
Mm-kay, I think we are right up here.
725
00:25:37,435 --> 00:25:40,211
Great. So which one
is me and Alice's room?
726
00:25:41,706 --> 00:25:42,844
Uh...
727
00:25:42,908 --> 00:25:46,253
I don't know.
Are you and Alice gonna share a room?
728
00:25:46,411 --> 00:25:48,721
Or I was thinking
that maybe you and I...
729
00:25:48,780 --> 00:25:50,521
would stay in the same room.
730
00:25:52,417 --> 00:25:55,523
That sounds interesting...
731
00:25:55,687 --> 00:25:57,689
but I don't think
it would be a good idea.
732
00:25:59,024 --> 00:26:00,025
Why not?
733
00:26:02,594 --> 00:26:05,097
(WHISPERING) Because I don't
trust myself around you.
734
00:26:05,764 --> 00:26:07,038
You can trust me.
735
00:26:07,198 --> 00:26:09,439
I do trust you.
736
00:26:10,235 --> 00:26:11,543
Let's trust each other.
737
00:26:11,703 --> 00:26:14,775
There's so much trust.
738
00:26:15,006 --> 00:26:17,316
Sorry. I didn't mean to do that.
739
00:26:17,409 --> 00:26:19,582
I respect you so much,
I can't wait to get you alone.
740
00:26:19,644 --> 00:26:21,920
Yeah, we're gonna cover
all the room charges and stuff...
741
00:26:21,980 --> 00:26:23,482
for up to $50 per day.
742
00:26:23,548 --> 00:26:24,652
Oh, my God.
You don't have to do that.
743
00:26:24,816 --> 00:26:26,921
I'm a very strict teacher.
744
00:26:27,118 --> 00:26:30,895
You be Michelle Pfeiffer
from Dangerous Minds, and I'll be...
745
00:26:31,056 --> 00:26:32,330
I'll be Coolio.
746
00:26:32,490 --> 00:26:34,436
- Coolio's not in that movie.
- Oh.
747
00:26:35,827 --> 00:26:38,637
He is in song and spirit.
748
00:26:38,863 --> 00:26:41,537
I'm gonna call
a parent-teacher conference...
749
00:26:41,633 --> 00:26:44,409
and tell them
what a bad boy you are.
750
00:26:44,569 --> 00:26:45,843
Please don't tell my mommy.
751
00:26:46,104 --> 00:26:47,447
Please don't tell my daddy.
752
00:26:47,505 --> 00:26:49,507
I think Wi-Fi is included, too, so...
753
00:26:49,574 --> 00:26:50,780
- That's always nice. Yeah.
- Yeah.
754
00:26:51,042 --> 00:26:55,047
If I were to give you a grade,
I'd give you a D.
755
00:26:55,113 --> 00:26:56,319
A big, hard D.
756
00:26:56,548 --> 00:26:57,856
Why? I deserve an A.
757
00:26:57,949 --> 00:26:59,451
- What are you talking about?
- Oh.
758
00:26:59,618 --> 00:27:00,653
Nothing.
759
00:27:00,819 --> 00:27:02,162
In conclusion...
760
00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:04,698
I'm gonna stay in the room...
761
00:27:04,856 --> 00:27:05,926
with Alice.
762
00:27:07,025 --> 00:27:09,027
That one, with Alice.
763
00:27:09,194 --> 00:27:10,537
Cool, cool. No doubt.
764
00:27:13,031 --> 00:27:16,103
Somebody overcooked the soft pretzel.
765
00:27:17,335 --> 00:27:19,576
My dick is hard. That's what I'm saying.
Give me five minutes.
766
00:27:19,638 --> 00:27:22,175
Oh, my God. Ew!
767
00:27:22,707 --> 00:27:24,380
(SINGING) Lift it, drop it, shake it
768
00:27:24,476 --> 00:27:27,116
It's going down for real
769
00:27:31,216 --> 00:27:33,526
It's going down for real
770
00:27:35,053 --> 00:27:36,464
Grandma, I'd like you to meet Alice.
771
00:27:36,621 --> 00:27:39,329
She's super smart, great conversationalist,
and she works on Wall Street.
772
00:27:39,391 --> 00:27:40,734
But I'm one of the good ones.
773
00:27:40,892 --> 00:27:42,303
(LAUGHS) I think she is.
774
00:27:45,030 --> 00:27:46,236
TATIANA: lam a teacher, yeah.
775
00:27:46,464 --> 00:27:49,172
And you know what?
The key to teaching children is repetition.
776
00:27:49,334 --> 00:27:51,245
You'd be surprised how stupid they are.
777
00:27:58,810 --> 00:28:00,517
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
778
00:28:01,079 --> 00:28:02,080
Jeanie!
779
00:28:02,647 --> 00:28:03,853
(GASPS)
780
00:28:04,649 --> 00:28:06,424
'HEY. you!
- Hi! Hi!
781
00:28:06,918 --> 00:28:09,421
I'm so proud
to introduce our wedding dates...
782
00:28:09,587 --> 00:28:11,225
- Tatiana.
- And Alice.
783
00:28:12,557 --> 00:28:13,763
Hi!
784
00:28:14,726 --> 00:28:16,831
- Oh, the bride. The gorgeous bride.
- Ow! Hi.
785
00:28:17,028 --> 00:28:20,703
This weekend is all about you
being happy and not shattered.
786
00:28:20,832 --> 00:28:23,005
- Oh. Thank you.
- Yeah.
787
00:28:23,068 --> 00:28:25,241
Check out your arms.
You got some Michelle Obama arms.
788
00:28:26,037 --> 00:28:27,948
How'd you get those guns
on the plane, girl?
789
00:28:28,006 --> 00:28:29,041
(ALL LAUGHING)
790
00:28:29,107 --> 00:28:30,518
Eric...
791
00:28:30,575 --> 00:28:32,282
you are two points hotter
just being next to this woman.
792
00:28:32,844 --> 00:28:34,016
TATIANA: Try 10 points hotter.
793
00:28:34,079 --> 00:28:36,184
- Try a million.
- That's too many points.
794
00:28:36,247 --> 00:28:37,248
Wow, and Jeanie, nice snag.
795
00:28:37,382 --> 00:28:38,383
Thank you.
796
00:28:38,450 --> 00:28:39,952
TATIANA: You guys
look great together, really.
797
00:28:40,151 --> 00:28:41,459
I'm liking this. Huh?
798
00:28:41,653 --> 00:28:43,530
Maybe you two will keep these two
in check a little bit.
799
00:28:43,588 --> 00:28:45,431
-(ALL LAUGHING)
- I think we can.
800
00:28:45,657 --> 00:28:46,931
I'll just keep him on a leash.
801
00:28:47,092 --> 00:28:48,867
- Maybe don't hurt him.
-(CHOKING)
802
00:28:48,927 --> 00:28:50,406
I like these girls.
803
00:28:50,562 --> 00:28:51,632
They're so fun.
804
00:28:51,796 --> 00:28:53,901
Unlike my maid of honor.
805
00:28:54,099 --> 00:28:55,169
She's having a time.
806
00:28:55,300 --> 00:28:56,404
How is ol' Becky Grammerstein?
807
00:28:56,601 --> 00:28:57,602
(SHUSHING) She's coming.
808
00:28:57,736 --> 00:28:59,044
- Jeanie.
- Hey.
809
00:28:59,204 --> 00:29:00,581
I'm in crisis mode.
810
00:29:00,739 --> 00:29:02,377
I ordered Prosecco for the mani-pedis...
811
00:29:02,540 --> 00:29:03,644
and all they have is champagne!
812
00:29:03,808 --> 00:29:04,809
Aren't they the same thing?
813
00:29:05,043 --> 00:29:07,455
- No. No, they're not. No.
- No?
814
00:29:08,079 --> 00:29:09,752
Hello, Michael.
815
00:29:09,914 --> 00:29:10,915
Hi, Dave.
816
00:29:11,382 --> 00:29:14,886
Look, I'm trying to make your dreams
come true, okay?
817
00:29:15,086 --> 00:29:16,121
- Right.
- What?
818
00:29:16,254 --> 00:29:18,097
If this is bad news,
I'm gonna eat your ass.
819
00:29:18,156 --> 00:29:19,226
- Sorry.
- Okay.
820
00:29:19,290 --> 00:29:21,236
Purple. It better be purple.
821
00:29:21,659 --> 00:29:23,639
I should probably go see to that.
822
00:29:23,795 --> 00:29:24,796
- You'll come?
- Yeah.
823
00:29:24,963 --> 00:29:26,237
Thank you so much for being here.
824
00:29:26,397 --> 00:29:29,344
Guys, good job with these two.
825
00:29:29,501 --> 00:29:30,980
Mahala.
826
00:29:31,169 --> 00:29:32,409
DAVE: Bye, Jeanie.
827
00:29:32,570 --> 00:29:33,571
(WHISPERS) Jeanie likes the girls.
828
00:29:33,738 --> 00:29:34,944
(SINGING) Jeanie likes the girls
829
00:29:35,140 --> 00:29:36,642
- Talk about Jeanie
Jeanie likes the girls
830
00:29:36,775 --> 00:29:38,584
Because it's a" about
Jeanie likes the girls
831
00:29:38,643 --> 00:29:40,748
- Oil, yeah, Jeanie likes the girls
-Com e on !
832
00:29:40,845 --> 00:29:42,324
- It's a" about Jeanie
-Likes the girls
833
00:29:42,380 --> 00:29:45,224
-it's all about Jeanie likes the girls!
- Mike. Where are the girls?
834
00:29:45,283 --> 00:29:46,489
- BURT: Oh, hello!
- I'm Alice.
835
00:29:46,718 --> 00:29:47,856
I just I wanna give you a hug.
836
00:29:47,919 --> 00:29:49,364
It's so nice to meet you.
837
00:29:49,521 --> 00:29:50,795
Fucking A. You distracted me, man.
838
00:29:50,989 --> 00:29:52,991
This dress is lucky to be on you.
Those pins!
839
00:29:53,124 --> 00:29:54,194
- My Mike?
- Yes.
840
00:29:54,359 --> 00:29:55,531
- I can't... Wow.
- He did.
841
00:29:55,693 --> 00:29:57,366
That's fantastic.
842
00:29:57,595 --> 00:29:59,233
Mike, Tatiana was just telling me...
843
00:29:59,330 --> 00:30:00,775
that you saved her life.
844
00:30:00,932 --> 00:30:02,206
I most certainly did, Father.
845
00:30:02,433 --> 00:30:05,175
You see how great it is
to have nice girls around?
846
00:30:05,236 --> 00:30:06,510
- I mean, these are nice girls.
- Aw!
847
00:30:06,571 --> 00:30:07,709
Absolutely.
848
00:30:07,839 --> 00:30:08,977
They are. And we brought them, so...
849
00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:10,314
KEITH: Excuse me.
850
00:30:10,508 --> 00:30:11,509
Excuse me.
851
00:30:11,576 --> 00:30:12,577
See you in a minute.
Honey, come on.
852
00:30:12,644 --> 00:30:14,817
Can I get everybody's attention?
Could we gather around?
853
00:30:14,879 --> 00:30:16,256
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God!
854
00:30:16,381 --> 00:30:18,156
We're killing this shit! We're killing.
855
00:30:18,316 --> 00:30:19,488
Mom and Dad like the girls!
856
00:30:19,551 --> 00:30:20,655
Ow.
857
00:30:20,718 --> 00:30:22,129
(SINGING) Mom andDad/ike the girls
858
00:30:22,287 --> 00:30:26,793
Hi, I'm Keith.
I'm Eric's best man, his cousin...
859
00:30:26,958 --> 00:30:28,960
and his best friend.
860
00:30:29,194 --> 00:30:30,639
Welcome to the meet and greet!
861
00:30:30,862 --> 00:30:31,966
(ALL CHEERING)
862
00:30:32,030 --> 00:30:33,338
MIKE: Yeah!
863
00:30:33,565 --> 00:30:34,669
Put your hands together...
864
00:30:34,833 --> 00:30:37,973
for Eric and his lovely bride, Jeanie.
865
00:30:38,036 --> 00:30:39,709
- Give it up!
-(ALL CHEERING)
866
00:30:39,838 --> 00:30:41,010
Jeanie!
867
00:30:41,172 --> 00:30:44,642
Hey, everybody. A big thank you
to my new family, the Stangles.
868
00:30:44,843 --> 00:30:45,913
We love you, Eric!
869
00:30:45,977 --> 00:30:47,012
Thank you.
870
00:30:47,078 --> 00:30:49,217
And to my own family, I must say...
871
00:30:50,215 --> 00:30:51,888
Portland, Oregon in the house!
872
00:30:52,083 --> 00:30:53,255
(ERIC'S FAMILY WHOOPING)
873
00:30:53,351 --> 00:30:56,332
I'm really happy
to finally make you all my ahana...
874
00:30:56,487 --> 00:30:57,864
-which means "family."
-(APPLAUSE)
875
00:30:58,022 --> 00:31:00,059
And as the Hawaiians say...
876
00:31:00,225 --> 00:31:01,431
Kale maluna!
877
00:31:01,593 --> 00:31:04,665
Which translates loosely
into "bottoms up." (LAUGHS)
878
00:31:04,829 --> 00:31:07,537
But more closely translated,
it actually means...
879
00:31:07,765 --> 00:31:10,177
"your butts to the sky"...
880
00:31:10,235 --> 00:31:11,839
which is inappropriate.
881
00:31:13,171 --> 00:31:14,707
This is gonna be magic.
882
00:31:15,340 --> 00:31:18,583
Thank you all again,
so much, for being here.
883
00:31:18,743 --> 00:31:22,418
We are so happy
to have you at our wedding.
884
00:31:22,947 --> 00:31:26,724
(ECHOING) Wedding. Wedding. Wedding.
885
00:31:27,285 --> 00:31:28,923
- Put the mic on the stand.
- The stand.
886
00:31:30,255 --> 00:31:32,394
- Alice.
- Where are you going?
887
00:31:32,457 --> 00:31:33,458
Hi! What happened?
888
00:31:33,524 --> 00:31:35,595
You sort of zoned out for a sec.
What's up? You okay?
889
00:31:35,760 --> 00:31:38,138
Yeah! We're at a wedding.
Wedding. Wedding.
890
00:31:38,529 --> 00:31:40,065
You just said "wedding" three times.
891
00:31:40,131 --> 00:31:41,235
I'm fine. Yeah!
892
00:31:41,299 --> 00:31:43,074
Let's just forget about the past,
and move on.
893
00:31:43,368 --> 00:31:44,972
To the bar!
894
00:31:45,069 --> 00:31:46,343
To the bar?
895
00:31:47,305 --> 00:31:48,306
Mmm. Mmm.
896
00:31:50,775 --> 00:31:52,220
Ooh. I don't think these are shots.
897
00:31:52,377 --> 00:31:53,947
I mean, we're drinking 'em
like they're shots...
898
00:31:54,045 --> 00:31:56,286
but I don't think they're
supposed to be drunk like that.
899
00:31:56,447 --> 00:31:58,393
Your face is funny.
900
00:31:58,716 --> 00:32:00,093
(BOTH LAUGHING)
901
00:32:00,551 --> 00:32:02,155
(WOMAN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
902
00:32:04,923 --> 00:32:05,924
(LAUGHING)
903
00:32:15,233 --> 00:32:16,974
Oh. Hey, Mike.
904
00:32:17,235 --> 00:32:18,805
I was just talking
to my new friend, Tatiana.
905
00:32:18,870 --> 00:32:20,076
Tatiana, this is my cousin, Mike.
906
00:32:20,238 --> 00:32:22,445
She knows who I am. She's my date.
907
00:32:22,640 --> 00:32:25,348
Why would someone this attractive
ever be with you?
908
00:32:25,643 --> 00:32:27,850
Are you gonna hit on my date all weekend,
like bisexual Fonzie?
909
00:32:28,079 --> 00:32:29,990
I don't think it's gonna take all weekend.
Am I right?
910
00:32:30,448 --> 00:32:31,688
So, you guys are cousins?
911
00:32:31,849 --> 00:32:33,590
She's been jealous of me
since I was a little kid.
912
00:32:33,785 --> 00:32:35,196
What could I possibly be jealous of?
913
00:32:35,320 --> 00:32:37,596
Your outfit looks like Jimmy Buffet's
dust ruffle.
914
00:32:37,855 --> 00:32:40,028
Do you guys always do this?
915
00:32:40,258 --> 00:32:41,965
Okay, this is actually
a very fashion-forward outfit.
916
00:32:42,126 --> 00:32:44,606
No, you look like the wallpaper
from a Long John Silver's bathroom.
917
00:32:44,796 --> 00:32:46,366
TATIANA: Cool.
I'm gonna hit the buffet now...
918
00:32:46,531 --> 00:32:50,172
while you guys do
whatever it is you're doing.
919
00:32:52,103 --> 00:32:53,275
Okay?
920
00:32:53,338 --> 00:32:54,339
Good idea.
921
00:32:55,673 --> 00:32:56,811
Look at that.
922
00:32:56,975 --> 00:32:59,012
Pink little ass just bouncing away,
saying...
923
00:32:59,077 --> 00:33:02,615
(SINGING) Terry, come getme
Terry, come get me
924
00:33:02,680 --> 00:33:03,784
No, it's saying...
925
00:33:03,848 --> 00:33:07,853
(SINGING) Mike, crawl up in this
Mike, cra wl up in this
926
00:33:08,019 --> 00:33:09,794
Whoa. What's up, double trouble?
927
00:33:09,988 --> 00:33:11,228
Terry. Cousin of the bride.
928
00:33:11,289 --> 00:33:12,529
Get at me later,
we'll make a Terry sandwich.
929
00:33:12,690 --> 00:33:14,169
Don't touch her. She has chlamydia.
930
00:33:14,325 --> 00:33:15,463
- Everybody does.
- No.
931
00:33:15,893 --> 00:33:16,894
Not everyone does.
932
00:33:17,562 --> 00:33:20,008
Saw you and Dave are doing your
speech together at the rehearsal dinner.
933
00:33:20,064 --> 00:33:21,065
Mmm-hmm.
934
00:33:21,132 --> 00:33:23,669
I'm going to bring the house down
with my speech.
935
00:33:23,935 --> 00:33:25,676
And why do you think
you're such a hotshot?
936
00:33:25,803 --> 00:33:26,975
You know Chris Rock?
937
00:33:27,739 --> 00:33:29,741
He's my neighbor.
Practiced my speech on him.
938
00:33:30,208 --> 00:33:32,347
And he gave me seven killer jokes.
939
00:33:33,678 --> 00:33:36,022
Suck on that, cousin.
940
00:33:36,647 --> 00:33:37,682
Terry out.
941
00:33:37,749 --> 00:33:40,559
Chris Rock? Fuck!
That sounds awesome.
942
00:33:43,221 --> 00:33:45,201
-(TATIANA MOANING)
-(ALICE CHUCKLING)
943
00:33:46,391 --> 00:33:48,268
TATIANA: Yas, yas, yas.
944
00:33:48,393 --> 00:33:49,872
(BOTH MOANING)
945
00:33:52,563 --> 00:33:55,567
Oh, my God. You were right.
These cheeseburgers are amazing.
946
00:33:55,733 --> 00:33:56,871
I know.
947
00:33:57,035 --> 00:33:58,878
Being a good girl is hard.
948
00:33:59,037 --> 00:34:00,948
I know. It sucks.
949
00:34:01,939 --> 00:34:04,920
You were hitting that booze
too hard for a nice girl.
950
00:34:05,109 --> 00:34:06,486
You need to get Luke out of your head.
951
00:34:06,611 --> 00:34:08,386
- Yeah.
- You do.
952
00:34:08,546 --> 00:34:10,958
And what better way to do that...
953
00:34:11,215 --> 00:34:13,889
than good old-fashioned dick flicks.
954
00:34:14,052 --> 00:34:16,191
- Yes.
- ALICE: Oh, God.
955
00:34:18,456 --> 00:34:21,630
Tatiana. Mike Stangle.
956
00:34:21,793 --> 00:34:23,795
From the meet and greet.
Well, from before that.
957
00:34:23,961 --> 00:34:25,440
One second.
958
00:34:25,530 --> 00:34:26,531
Fuck.
959
00:34:27,765 --> 00:34:29,938
Hey. it's you.
960
00:34:30,101 --> 00:34:31,205
It is me.
961
00:34:31,369 --> 00:34:36,717
I was hoping maybe I could come in
and we could watch a movie or...
962
00:34:37,942 --> 00:34:39,922
(WHISPERS) Do whatever you wanna do.
963
00:34:40,111 --> 00:34:41,181
Why are you whispering?
964
00:34:41,312 --> 00:34:43,451
'Cause that's what we were doing before.
965
00:34:43,614 --> 00:34:44,649
They've got Cockbusters.
966
00:34:44,882 --> 00:34:46,793
Is that supposed to be
like Ghostbusters?
967
00:34:46,884 --> 00:34:48,830
Why would you wanna
get rid of the cocks?
968
00:34:49,053 --> 00:34:50,794
- What's that?
- She's talking in her sleep.
969
00:34:50,955 --> 00:34:53,799
She says the craziest stuff
in her sleep.
970
00:34:53,891 --> 00:34:56,064
It looks like his dick is gonna pop.
It's so veiny and hard.
971
00:34:56,127 --> 00:34:57,128
- Tatiana!
- Something's hard?
972
00:34:57,295 --> 00:34:58,433
Julio. My student.
973
00:34:58,596 --> 00:35:00,132
I'm doing
a Skype class session with him...
974
00:35:00,298 --> 00:35:02,403
and he's having a really hard time
in the schoolyard.
975
00:35:02,533 --> 00:35:04,035
If you don't get in here,
I'm gonna start masturbating!
976
00:35:04,102 --> 00:35:05,604
Oh, phooey. I've gotta go.
977
00:35:05,770 --> 00:35:07,340
That sounds like you guys are,
watching porno, or...
978
00:35:07,405 --> 00:35:08,406
- No.
- ALICE: Tatiana!
979
00:35:08,473 --> 00:35:09,474
Does it smell like weed in here?
980
00:35:09,574 --> 00:35:11,451
- You guys smoking weed?
- No. It was a skunk.
981
00:35:11,609 --> 00:35:14,112
I've gotta go, because a bunch of kids
are waiting to hear...
982
00:35:14,278 --> 00:35:15,985
if they've failed second grade or not.
983
00:35:16,147 --> 00:35:19,185
Well, I am doing
some grading myself, and girl...
984
00:35:19,350 --> 00:35:21,830
you are getting an A plus.
985
00:35:21,886 --> 00:35:22,887
Thank you so much.
986
00:35:23,521 --> 00:35:24,522
Mmm.
987
00:35:28,025 --> 00:35:30,266
(KIDS PLAYING)
988
00:35:56,387 --> 00:35:58,560
- WOMEN: And then win!
- Skills. Def skills.
989
00:35:58,623 --> 00:36:00,125
BURT: Cheers to Tatiana and Alice.
990
00:36:00,291 --> 00:36:01,429
We're so glad you're here.
991
00:36:01,559 --> 00:36:02,697
(ALL CHEERING)
992
00:36:02,793 --> 00:36:03,863
MIKE: Yes. Cheers.
993
00:36:04,028 --> 00:36:06,133
You guys, Alice and I found
this really cool thing.
994
00:36:06,297 --> 00:36:08,004
Jurassic Park ATV Tours!
995
00:36:09,066 --> 00:36:11,239
Y on ride ATV s
where they shot Jurassic Park.
996
00:36:11,469 --> 00:36:15,645
Actually, we are about to go
swimming with the dolphins.
997
00:36:16,174 --> 00:36:17,983
It's on the itinerary, so...
998
00:36:18,209 --> 00:36:20,086
But, guys, Jurassic P!
999
00:36:20,178 --> 00:36:21,589
I love this movie!
1000
00:36:21,746 --> 00:36:24,249
(GASPS) Oh, my gosh, on ATVs,
this would be so sick.
1001
00:36:24,415 --> 00:36:25,655
"Welcome...
1002
00:36:25,816 --> 00:36:28,558
BOTH: "...to Jurassic Park."
1003
00:36:28,653 --> 00:36:29,757
"That is a big pile of shit."
1004
00:36:29,921 --> 00:36:31,229
"Oh, you're not so scary, little guy."
1005
00:36:31,355 --> 00:36:34,598
(ALL MIMICKING DINOSAURS)
1006
00:36:38,362 --> 00:36:39,670
What is going on here?
1007
00:36:41,165 --> 00:36:42,371
Oh! Oh!
1008
00:36:42,433 --> 00:36:45,573
I wish we could do that...
1009
00:36:45,736 --> 00:36:47,579
but we have a date with the dolphins...
1010
00:36:47,738 --> 00:36:49,081
at the bottom of the ocean, so...
1011
00:36:49,240 --> 00:36:51,686
Don't you think we should do
what Jeanie wants to do?
1012
00:36:51,842 --> 00:36:53,378
I mean, it is her wedding after all.
1013
00:36:53,544 --> 00:36:54,750
Right, Mike?
1014
00:37:24,041 --> 00:37:25,987
I'm so happy we're here!
1015
00:37:26,143 --> 00:37:28,589
This is where the dinos
ran in the prairie!
1016
00:37:28,746 --> 00:37:29,747
I know, girl!
1017
00:37:29,914 --> 00:37:32,087
Check it out! I'm a brontosaurus!
1018
00:37:32,250 --> 00:37:34,287
I'm a T-Rex. I'm coming to get you!
1019
00:37:34,385 --> 00:37:35,386
(WOMEN SHOUTING)
1020
00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:38,298
Guys, butts on seats, okay?
No hot dogging!
1021
00:37:38,489 --> 00:37:39,490
(CHUCKLES)
1022
00:37:41,626 --> 00:37:42,627
(ALL YELLING)
1023
00:37:43,995 --> 00:37:45,474
ALICE: "They're flocking this way!"
1024
00:37:46,864 --> 00:37:48,366
Here's a T-Rex!
1025
00:37:48,666 --> 00:37:50,441
"Life finds a way."
1026
00:37:59,744 --> 00:38:01,746
Jeanie! Eric!
1027
00:38:01,846 --> 00:38:03,325
Hey!
1028
00:38:03,447 --> 00:38:06,360
Hi! Sorry, I lost Eric.
1029
00:38:06,517 --> 00:38:09,623
Iwasn't lost.
Just driving at a reasonable pace.
1030
00:38:09,887 --> 00:38:11,127
Stay there. We'll come to you.
1031
00:38:11,622 --> 00:38:14,603
All right, we better go around.
This ledge looks super dangerous.
1032
00:38:14,759 --> 00:38:16,966
Oh, yeah, Mike's right.
It does look dangerous.
1033
00:38:17,528 --> 00:38:20,134
It's a good thing my middle name
is "dangerous!"
1034
00:38:20,298 --> 00:38:21,299
Yeah, it is!
1035
00:38:21,365 --> 00:38:23,276
- ALICE: Whoo!
- Whoa!
1036
00:38:24,669 --> 00:38:25,670
(LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)
1037
00:38:25,870 --> 00:38:27,440
(BICYCLEBICYCLE
YOUAHEMYBICYCLEPLAYING)
1038
00:38:27,672 --> 00:38:29,151
- Oh, God!
- What?
1039
00:38:31,776 --> 00:38:33,414
Oh, my God, she's Superman!
1040
00:38:38,282 --> 00:38:39,454
Oh, my God!
1041
00:38:39,550 --> 00:38:40,824
A-Money!
1042
00:38:44,155 --> 00:38:45,634
(GRUNTS) Oh!
1043
00:38:46,357 --> 00:38:47,802
I still think we should go around.
1044
00:38:47,925 --> 00:38:50,201
She just got some serious air, bro!
1045
00:38:50,294 --> 00:38:53,070
(SCOFFS) You call that serious air?
Check this fucking shit out.
1046
00:38:53,164 --> 00:38:54,302
Whoa!
1047
00:38:54,398 --> 00:38:56,275
Suck my d“, tuckers!
1048
00:38:56,334 --> 00:38:57,335
Whoa!
1049
00:39:00,137 --> 00:39:01,138
Whoa!
1050
00:39:01,205 --> 00:39:02,240
Oh, not again.
1051
00:39:03,240 --> 00:39:04,241
Yeah, baby!
1052
00:39:04,308 --> 00:39:06,481
Easy does it. Nothing fancy.
1053
00:39:11,248 --> 00:39:12,249
(SCREAMS)
1054
00:39:12,350 --> 00:39:14,489
- Oh, my God. Look at what she's doing!
- I see it!
1055
00:39:14,685 --> 00:39:16,687
Sweet candied nuts.
1056
00:39:16,754 --> 00:39:18,062
(TATIANA WHOOPING)
1057
00:39:20,458 --> 00:39:21,459
Oh!
1058
00:39:21,826 --> 00:39:23,362
Who are these girls?
1059
00:39:25,429 --> 00:39:26,430
Whoa!
1060
00:39:26,597 --> 00:39:28,270
Um... (CHUCKLES)
1061
00:39:28,366 --> 00:39:30,937
Where did you guys learn to do that?
1062
00:39:31,102 --> 00:39:32,877
- We lived in Baja.
- Oh.
1063
00:39:32,937 --> 00:39:34,610
Tore up a lot of trail down there.
1064
00:39:34,872 --> 00:39:36,112
Made a lot of friends.
1065
00:39:36,774 --> 00:39:38,276
Made even more enemies.
1066
00:39:38,442 --> 00:39:39,614
God, I miss Baja.
1067
00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:44,621
Your turn, Mike! Don't be a pussy!
1068
00:39:45,349 --> 00:39:48,558
I'm not gonna do it.
Name calling doesn't work on me, so...
1069
00:39:48,719 --> 00:39:51,461
TATIANA: Mike, it'll turn me on
if you take that jump.
1070
00:39:51,622 --> 00:39:53,397
ERIC: Turn me on if you don't.
1071
00:39:53,557 --> 00:39:55,559
Still not going to, still.
1072
00:39:55,726 --> 00:39:56,727
I'm not gonna do it.
1073
00:39:56,894 --> 00:39:58,032
Like we would ever do that.
1074
00:39:58,229 --> 00:39:59,970
- No way.
-(CHUCKLES)
1075
00:40:00,030 --> 00:40:01,031
Come on! Do it.
1076
00:40:01,198 --> 00:40:02,472
He's not gonna do it. Do it!
1077
00:40:02,633 --> 00:40:04,112
Do not do it.
1078
00:40:04,268 --> 00:40:05,906
No, definitely don't do that.
1079
00:40:06,137 --> 00:40:08,014
It's a bad idea. it's a stupid,
dumb idea.
1080
00:40:08,105 --> 00:40:10,244
- And it's dangerous, and it's foolish.
- Yes, it is.
1081
00:40:10,775 --> 00:40:11,981
- I'm gonna do it!
-(ENGINE REVVING)
1082
00:40:13,644 --> 00:40:14,679
Mike!
1083
00:40:14,745 --> 00:40:15,746
(SCREAMS)
1084
00:40:16,714 --> 00:40:17,818
- Oh, shit!
- Oh.
1085
00:40:18,315 --> 00:40:19,487
Oh!
1086
00:40:19,617 --> 00:40:20,789
I'm never gonna die!
1087
00:40:20,885 --> 00:40:21,886
(SCREAMING)
1088
00:40:23,954 --> 00:40:25,695
- Oh, shit.
- He going fast.
1089
00:40:25,756 --> 00:40:27,394
Oh, no. Keep it straight!
1090
00:40:31,362 --> 00:40:32,397
Oh, he's shanking it.
1091
00:40:32,463 --> 00:40:33,464
(SCREAMING)
1092
00:40:35,599 --> 00:40:36,976
Whoo! Got it, got it!
1093
00:40:39,270 --> 00:40:40,271
(GASPS)
1094
00:40:40,371 --> 00:40:41,372
(CONTINUES SCREAMING)
1095
00:40:42,173 --> 00:40:43,481
Oh, no, God!
1096
00:40:43,607 --> 00:40:44,642
Jeanie, move!
1097
00:40:47,645 --> 00:40:48,988
No!
1098
00:40:49,146 --> 00:40:50,181
No!
1099
00:40:50,448 --> 00:40:51,950
No!
1100
00:40:52,082 --> 00:40:53,356
No!
1101
00:41:12,436 --> 00:41:13,437
(GASPS)
1102
00:41:14,805 --> 00:41:17,115
it's gonna be fine.
1103
00:41:17,575 --> 00:41:19,646
Your face is making me think
it's gonna be bad.
1104
00:41:19,710 --> 00:41:21,621
I'm sure it's not as bad as you think.
1105
00:41:21,679 --> 00:41:22,714
- You know?
- JEANIE: No. Yeah.
1106
00:41:22,780 --> 00:41:23,918
BECKY: Just show us
what we're working with,
1107
00:41:24,048 --> 00:41:25,083
and it'll be fine.
1108
00:41:25,149 --> 00:41:26,150
-0kay_
- Okay?
1109
00:41:26,717 --> 00:41:27,821
- Is it okay?
-(ALL GASP)
1110
00:41:27,885 --> 00:41:29,421
- DAVE: Oh, my God!
- Oh! God! Oh!
1111
00:41:29,753 --> 00:41:32,199
Wow! Don't you look good?
1112
00:41:32,823 --> 00:41:33,961
-(GROANS)
-(SCREAMS)
1113
00:41:34,024 --> 00:41:35,867
- Your face!
- Shut up, Mike!
1114
00:41:35,993 --> 00:41:37,802
You shut up, Becky!
Have you seen her face?
1115
00:41:37,962 --> 00:41:39,805
Oh, God! What?
1116
00:41:39,964 --> 00:41:42,240
It looks like you were making meth,
and the bathtub exploded.
1117
00:41:42,333 --> 00:41:43,334
(SOBBING)
1118
00:41:43,467 --> 00:41:44,810
You look like Burn Victim Barbie.
1119
00:41:45,202 --> 00:41:46,510
Hush it up!
1120
00:41:46,670 --> 00:41:47,842
And you're Black Ken.
1121
00:41:47,905 --> 00:41:49,851
-stop!
- Okay_
1122
00:41:50,007 --> 00:41:52,078
it's like an exaggerated smoky eye.
1123
00:41:52,142 --> 00:41:54,144
Dave, be honest. Is it bad?
1124
00:41:54,912 --> 00:41:57,085
This side, there's a little...
1125
00:41:57,181 --> 00:41:59,320
- There's a little discoloration there.
- Little discoloration.
1126
00:41:59,383 --> 00:42:00,521
Which side is it?
1127
00:42:00,751 --> 00:42:01,923
DAVE: You could do a dance the whole night
1128
00:42:01,986 --> 00:42:03,522
where you just hold a hand over your face.
1129
00:42:03,654 --> 00:42:04,655
- MIKE: Oh, that's smart.
- Okay.
1130
00:42:04,822 --> 00:42:05,823
It's like a new thing.
1131
00:42:05,990 --> 00:42:07,833
(SINGING) Do the Jeanie
Do the Jeanie
1132
00:42:08,058 --> 00:42:09,696
Like this?
1133
00:42:09,927 --> 00:42:11,736
- Come on, everybody! Do the Jeanie.
- Do it.
1134
00:42:11,929 --> 00:42:13,306
- I'm doing the Jeanie.
- MIKE: Do the Jeanie, y'all.
1135
00:42:13,397 --> 00:42:14,432
It's a one-two step.
1136
00:42:14,565 --> 00:42:16,374
All right, that's enough.
1137
00:42:16,634 --> 00:42:18,238
Enough dancing!
You and you...
1138
00:42:18,369 --> 00:42:19,746
outside, now!
1139
00:42:19,904 --> 00:42:21,110
Honey, calm down.
1140
00:42:21,205 --> 00:42:22,206
(SCREAMING)
1141
00:42:22,907 --> 00:42:24,409
- Honey, calm down.
- Sorry.
1142
00:42:24,575 --> 00:42:26,919
Do you understand they've deformed
our little girl...
1143
00:42:27,077 --> 00:42:29,216
the day before her goddamn wedding?
1144
00:42:29,480 --> 00:42:31,619
She looks like Seal, for Christ's sake!
1145
00:42:31,682 --> 00:42:33,525
Oh! Why, Dad?
1146
00:42:33,584 --> 00:42:34,585
Ow!
1147
00:42:35,686 --> 00:42:37,029
Do you think he's gonna spank us?
1148
00:42:37,187 --> 00:42:38,188
What?
1149
00:42:38,956 --> 00:42:39,957
Never mind.
1150
00:42:40,057 --> 00:42:42,037
I haven't seen him this pissed
in a long time.
1151
00:42:42,092 --> 00:42:43,127
OOP-
1152
00:42:43,227 --> 00:42:45,036
Yeah. it's the other door.
1153
00:42:45,963 --> 00:42:47,067
They meet in the middle.
1154
00:42:47,131 --> 00:42:48,735
- They meet in the middle.
- God damn it!
1155
00:42:50,935 --> 00:42:53,313
DAVE: Dad, listen.
I know what you're gonna say.
1156
00:42:53,437 --> 00:42:55,713
- You're right.
- We're gonna sue the ATV companies.
1157
00:42:55,773 --> 00:42:56,979
- Right?
-(SCOFFS) I Sea.
1158
00:42:57,107 --> 00:42:58,108
Not what I was gonna say.
1159
00:42:58,242 --> 00:42:59,482
Let's Erin Brockovich this bitch.
1160
00:42:59,643 --> 00:43:01,213
Mike, stop!
1161
00:43:01,378 --> 00:43:03,619
You've got to own this.
This is your fault.
1162
00:43:03,681 --> 00:43:04,682
It's not.
1163
00:43:05,215 --> 00:43:07,252
If anything, it's the girls' fault.
1164
00:43:07,518 --> 00:43:08,826
They're crazy.
1165
00:43:08,986 --> 00:43:11,398
The girls aren't the problem!
1166
00:43:11,455 --> 00:43:12,832
You are.
1167
00:43:12,990 --> 00:43:15,129
What the hell did you think
was gonna happen, huh?
1168
00:43:15,292 --> 00:43:16,999
What did you think was gonna happen?
1169
00:43:17,161 --> 00:43:18,162
We had a plan.
1170
00:43:18,329 --> 00:43:20,741
The plan was to swim with dolphins...
1171
00:43:20,898 --> 00:43:22,605
and eat bananas afterwards.
1172
00:43:22,766 --> 00:43:24,507
See, Dad, I'm not gonna
point any fingers here...
1173
00:43:24,668 --> 00:43:25,669
but indirectly...
1174
00:43:25,836 --> 00:43:28,510
we wouldn't have been on ATVs
if the girls hadn't forced us to.
1175
00:43:28,672 --> 00:43:31,118
And who made us bring dates
in the first place?
1176
00:43:32,276 --> 00:43:33,346
- Not pointing fingers.
- Yeah.
1177
00:43:33,410 --> 00:43:35,651
All right. I'm gonna take back
what I said to you earlier.
1178
00:43:35,813 --> 00:43:37,952
I am going to lump you in together.
1179
00:43:38,115 --> 00:43:40,925
All right, you are lumped!
1180
00:43:41,585 --> 00:43:43,496
The hell is wrong with you, huh?
1181
00:43:44,622 --> 00:43:45,999
What the hell is wrong with you?
1182
00:43:47,591 --> 00:43:48,968
Dad.
1183
00:43:51,595 --> 00:43:53,006
Fuck.
1184
00:43:55,566 --> 00:43:57,603
Everyone get the fuck away from me.
1185
00:43:57,768 --> 00:44:00,180
Move! Adult Swim!
1186
00:44:00,337 --> 00:44:03,614
It's all fucked now.
It's all fucked, you know? Poor Jeanie.
1187
00:44:03,907 --> 00:44:05,784
Jeanie's special weekend, and I ruin it.
1188
00:44:05,843 --> 00:44:09,416
Hey, hey, hey, Alice?
That was not your fault, okay?
1189
00:44:09,680 --> 00:44:12,524
That's two weddings that I've ruined.
It's just like, "Stupid Alice!"
1190
00:44:12,583 --> 00:44:14,961
Look, it's too bad that
Jeanie's face got shredded...
1191
00:44:15,252 --> 00:44:16,856
but this is supposed to be our vacay.
1192
00:44:16,920 --> 00:44:18,729
Remember? We're supposed
to be having fun...
1193
00:44:18,789 --> 00:44:19,927
and going on adventures.
1194
00:44:19,990 --> 00:44:21,094
Get in here with me.
1195
00:44:21,258 --> 00:44:22,601
I'm gonna find her.
I'm gonna make it up to her.
1196
00:44:22,760 --> 00:44:25,263
No, no! You're not listening to me.
Don't leave me!
1197
00:44:25,963 --> 00:44:26,964
(SCOFFS)
1198
00:44:27,431 --> 00:44:28,432
Ah!
1199
00:44:31,935 --> 00:44:33,209
(SIGHS) Oh.
1200
00:44:33,437 --> 00:44:34,472
Hmm?
1201
00:44:34,838 --> 00:44:36,977
Thanks again for letting me
join your spa day, ladies.
1202
00:44:37,041 --> 00:44:40,784
It's not like you asked or anything,
but you're here. Yay.
1203
00:44:41,211 --> 00:44:43,316
What did you guys do
for your bachelorette party?
1204
00:44:43,614 --> 00:44:45,491
Did it get crazy?
Did you guys do that thing...
1205
00:44:45,549 --> 00:44:48,359
where you go to Vegas
and you dress up as a prostitute...
1206
00:44:48,686 --> 00:44:50,393
and you go out and there's a contest...
1207
00:44:50,454 --> 00:44:52,661
to see who can get the most money
from a john...
1208
00:44:52,923 --> 00:44:54,766
but then you tell him,
"I'm an undercover cop"...
1209
00:44:54,825 --> 00:44:57,863
and they, like, beg that you don't tell
their children and their wives...
1210
00:44:58,028 --> 00:45:00,668
and they piss themselves,
and you've got the whole thing on video.
1211
00:45:00,831 --> 00:45:03,903
And then you put it on YouTube
and then there's the Auto-Tune remix.
1212
00:45:04,068 --> 00:45:05,069
Did you do that thing?
1213
00:45:05,736 --> 00:45:06,806
- No.
- No.
1214
00:45:07,137 --> 00:45:11,643
I didn't actually end up
having one, so...
1215
00:45:11,809 --> 00:45:13,447
Why? Every bride
needs a bachelorette party.
1216
00:45:13,644 --> 00:45:15,817
I'm sorry Cabo didn't work out, Jeanie.
1217
00:45:15,879 --> 00:45:17,381
I know. it's fine.
1218
00:45:17,448 --> 00:45:18,518
You know
I couldn't get the time off work.
1219
00:45:18,582 --> 00:45:20,994
And it would have ruined it for you,
down there without me.
1220
00:45:21,051 --> 00:45:22,223
Is there some tension about this?
1221
00:45:22,286 --> 00:45:24,926
So I just thought, "Let's cancel
the whole trip," if that makes sense.
1222
00:45:24,988 --> 00:45:26,968
Jeanie, can you keep it down?
On the phone with Tokyo.
1223
00:45:27,024 --> 00:45:28,128
Did I bring up something uncomfortable?
1224
00:45:28,192 --> 00:45:30,536
Also, I caught the shingles
because it was so stressful.
1225
00:45:30,728 --> 00:45:32,435
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
1226
00:45:32,496 --> 00:45:33,566
'Cause it feels like I did.
1227
00:45:33,630 --> 00:45:35,166
BECKY: Plus they have Mexican bed bugs.
1228
00:45:35,232 --> 00:45:36,734
(SCREAMS)
1229
00:45:37,668 --> 00:45:40,012
I need you guys to stop it!
1230
00:45:41,071 --> 00:45:43,381
Oh, that fucking gaping mouth of yours,
shut it!
1231
00:45:43,941 --> 00:45:44,942
Shut it!
1232
00:45:45,375 --> 00:45:49,118
I just want to relax!
Is that too much to ask?
1233
00:45:49,513 --> 00:45:52,119
Please! I just wanna relax.
1234
00:45:54,785 --> 00:45:56,059
KEANU: How are you feeling, Jeanie?
1235
00:45:56,220 --> 00:45:57,699
A little stressed out.
1236
00:45:57,855 --> 00:46:00,699
- I'll give you a minute to disrobe.
- Yeah, okay.
1237
00:46:00,858 --> 00:46:02,929
Face down on the table.
1238
00:46:03,327 --> 00:46:06,797
Hi, um, that is my best friend in there...
1239
00:46:06,864 --> 00:46:09,037
and she's getting married tomorrow,
and she's a little uptight.
1240
00:46:09,333 --> 00:46:14,476
And I was wondering if you could, um,
help her let loose a little bit?
1241
00:46:14,638 --> 00:46:15,673
You know?
1242
00:46:15,739 --> 00:46:20,745
Give her the "Hawaii Five Oh" experience?
1243
00:46:21,111 --> 00:46:23,751
The wink-wink, nudge-nudge massage,
you know?
1244
00:46:23,814 --> 00:46:27,318
I can't really wink,
but a wink-wink, nudge-nudge?
1245
00:46:27,618 --> 00:46:29,359
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
1246
00:46:29,419 --> 00:46:31,092
Looks like you had a bit of a fit.
1247
00:46:31,288 --> 00:46:33,859
No, no. That's wink...
That's wink-wink...
1248
00:46:35,125 --> 00:46:37,332
I feel like I've gotten
what you're trying to say.
1249
00:46:37,561 --> 00:46:39,802
- Great.
- But I figured it out.
1250
00:46:39,863 --> 00:46:42,469
- You didn't really communicate it to me.
- Okay, that's fair.
1251
00:46:42,533 --> 00:46:46,379
Yes, you want the special
"lam blissful" massage?
1252
00:46:46,503 --> 00:46:48,608
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
1253
00:46:49,106 --> 00:46:50,141
Um...
1254
00:46:50,240 --> 00:46:52,151
- How blissful is that?
- Oh, don't worry.
1255
00:46:52,309 --> 00:46:53,845
Physically, no penetration.
1256
00:46:53,944 --> 00:46:54,945
Classy.
1257
00:46:55,012 --> 00:46:58,016
Spiritually, I'll be doing
an intimate tour of her qi.
1258
00:46:58,315 --> 00:47:00,352
Oh, you're gonna be good in there.
I can tell.
1259
00:47:00,450 --> 00:47:01,451
(MOANING)
1260
00:47:01,518 --> 00:47:02,622
How's the temperature in here, Jeanie?
1261
00:47:03,420 --> 00:47:05,297
Oh, it's good. Good. Comfy.
1262
00:47:05,455 --> 00:47:08,800
Good. Take down the light a little bit.
1263
00:47:08,959 --> 00:47:10,666
So you're getting married, huh?
1264
00:47:10,928 --> 00:47:12,464
I am. Yeah.
1265
00:47:12,663 --> 00:47:15,542
I know it can be a stressful time.
1266
00:47:15,599 --> 00:47:19,513
You know it's like, "Who is this for,
me or my family?"
1267
00:47:19,670 --> 00:47:22,116
Yeah. I've recently had
an injury to my face...
1268
00:47:22,272 --> 00:47:24,274
which I'm a little stressed out about.
1269
00:47:24,975 --> 00:47:25,976
Are you okay with oil?
1270
00:47:26,143 --> 00:47:27,451
Yeah, sure.
1271
00:47:30,447 --> 00:47:31,721
-(MOANS)
- You know, in my country...
1272
00:47:31,782 --> 00:47:35,059
they call oil "God's beautiful lubricant."
1273
00:47:36,053 --> 00:47:38,226
It sounds better in my language.
1274
00:47:38,388 --> 00:47:41,528
Khuda Ira khubsurat lubricant.
1275
00:47:41,792 --> 00:47:43,396
Oh, that's lovely.
1276
00:47:43,460 --> 00:47:44,495
'KT!-
1277
00:47:44,561 --> 00:47:45,972
Some ground rules.
1278
00:47:46,029 --> 00:47:48,635
One, no emotions.
1279
00:47:48,699 --> 00:47:50,804
- Okay.
- Two, breathe.
1280
00:47:50,868 --> 00:47:52,313
Ahh... (GASPS)
1281
00:47:52,369 --> 00:47:55,509
Three, there is no penetration,
only vibration.
1282
00:47:55,739 --> 00:47:57,446
(JEANIE MOANING)
1283
00:47:57,808 --> 00:48:00,186
What is happening?
1284
00:48:00,544 --> 00:48:02,785
I call this "The Bent Penguin."
1285
00:48:02,946 --> 00:48:05,426
This one is just "The Ham and Eggs."
1286
00:48:05,582 --> 00:48:08,495
This one is called "When Moons Collide."
1287
00:48:08,652 --> 00:48:11,155
"Angry Hummingbird."
"Angry Hummingbird."
1288
00:48:11,321 --> 00:48:13,699
This one is called
"House by the Airport."
1289
00:48:13,857 --> 00:48:16,098
Just checking in. Everything good?
1290
00:48:16,260 --> 00:48:18,934
Hope you're enjoying this.
For me, it's just another Friday.
1291
00:48:19,029 --> 00:48:21,202
(MOANING ECSTATICALLY)
1292
00:48:26,036 --> 00:48:27,879
-(SIGHS DEEPLY)
-"Happy Doll."
1293
00:48:28,939 --> 00:48:33,046
This one is just called
"Taking a Break." I am pooped.
1294
00:48:33,210 --> 00:48:35,952
A little break. That's nice.
1295
00:48:36,113 --> 00:48:37,786
(BOTH YELLING)
1296
00:48:37,848 --> 00:48:38,986
Here we go again.
1297
00:48:39,116 --> 00:48:40,117
(MOANING)
1298
00:48:40,884 --> 00:48:42,420
Are you even touching me?
1299
00:48:42,619 --> 00:48:45,099
No, but my aura is.
1300
00:48:45,389 --> 00:48:47,926
Yes, it is!
1301
00:48:47,991 --> 00:48:50,403
Sweet baby Jesus!
1302
00:48:56,033 --> 00:48:57,034
(swans)
1303
00:49:09,513 --> 00:49:10,651
- How's it going?
-(SCREAMS)
1304
00:49:11,181 --> 00:49:13,661
Shit, I thought I was alone in here.
1305
00:49:13,817 --> 00:49:16,764
Oh, yeah. You're not.
I mean, we're alone.
1306
00:49:17,354 --> 00:49:19,698
How's Mike? Still really jealous of me?
1307
00:49:20,324 --> 00:49:24,101
It's like, yeah, okay,
do I own a Tesla? Yes.
1308
00:49:24,261 --> 00:49:26,901
Do I make a shit-ton of money,
like, way more than Mike?
1309
00:49:27,064 --> 00:49:28,372
Yes. But it's like, who cares?
1310
00:49:28,532 --> 00:49:30,603
Do I get backstage tickets to Rihanna?
1311
00:49:30,867 --> 00:49:33,438
Do I have a glass blowing
studio in my basement?
1312
00:49:33,503 --> 00:49:35,505
Hold up, backstage tickets to Rihanna?
1313
00:49:35,672 --> 00:49:37,583
Yeah, she likes to have me around.
You know.
1314
00:49:37,741 --> 00:49:40,688
- RiRi is Alice's jam.
- Oh, RiRi, is it?
1315
00:49:40,744 --> 00:49:41,779
- Yes.
- That's funny.
1316
00:49:41,945 --> 00:49:44,425
She would freak out if I got her
backstage tickets to Rihanna.
1317
00:49:44,581 --> 00:49:47,721
Well, you could get her tickets.
From me. I'm right here.
1318
00:49:47,884 --> 00:49:49,261
Are you serious?
1319
00:49:49,419 --> 00:49:52,730
Oh, God, steam rooms just open up
your pores, you know?
1320
00:49:53,390 --> 00:49:55,427
They open up everything.
1321
00:49:58,562 --> 00:50:02,806
Backstage at RiRi is very fun.
Sometimes she plays the DJ.
1322
00:50:02,866 --> 00:50:05,540
You know, just scratching records.
You know like...
1323
00:50:05,602 --> 00:50:06,979
(IMITATES RECORD SCRATCHING)
1324
00:50:09,973 --> 00:50:11,646
Shit, man. That's...
1325
00:50:12,075 --> 00:50:15,147
Are you saying you want me to
get in there for the tickets?
1326
00:50:15,212 --> 00:50:17,954
No. No, no, no. No.
1327
00:50:18,782 --> 00:50:20,455
(WHISPERS) Yes.
1328
00:50:24,121 --> 00:50:25,464
Tatiana?
1329
00:50:26,390 --> 00:50:27,630
- Tatiana? Whoa.
-(WOMAN SCREAMS)
1330
00:50:28,458 --> 00:50:31,496
Sorry about that.
Looking for my wedding date.
1331
00:50:32,062 --> 00:50:33,063
Tatiana?
1332
00:50:33,163 --> 00:50:34,301
JEANIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
1333
00:50:34,431 --> 00:50:36,342
(EXCLAIMING IN SHOCK)
1334
00:50:37,334 --> 00:50:38,404
(MOANING RAPIDLY)
1335
00:50:38,468 --> 00:50:39,503
Please leave, sir.
1336
00:50:39,669 --> 00:50:40,909
What are you doing to my sister?
1337
00:50:41,071 --> 00:50:43,608
- Mike, I'm coming.
- No!
1338
00:50:43,673 --> 00:50:44,674
(MOANING)
1339
00:50:46,843 --> 00:50:47,844
(HUMMING)
1340
00:50:49,980 --> 00:50:51,425
(MOANING ECSTATICALLY)
1341
00:50:54,117 --> 00:50:55,323
Get out!
1342
00:50:55,385 --> 00:50:56,386
(SCREAMS)
1343
00:50:59,356 --> 00:51:02,769
TERRY: Oh, sure. Oh, sure. Oh, sure.
1344
00:51:02,926 --> 00:51:04,769
So, are we, like, close, or...
1345
00:51:05,429 --> 00:51:07,500
Let's put the washing machine
on spin cycle. There we go.
1346
00:51:07,831 --> 00:51:09,174
(SCREAMS)
1347
00:51:09,299 --> 00:51:10,607
What the... Tatiana!
1348
00:51:10,767 --> 00:51:11,973
Terry!
1349
00:51:12,135 --> 00:51:13,478
Terry!
1350
00:51:13,637 --> 00:51:15,878
- Tatiana!
- Shut the fuck up, Mike.
1351
00:51:15,972 --> 00:51:17,383
(BOTH YELLING)
1352
00:51:18,442 --> 00:51:19,443
Whoa!
1353
00:51:19,509 --> 00:51:20,715
MIKE: I'm gonna kick your ass.
1354
00:51:20,777 --> 00:51:22,279
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1355
00:51:23,814 --> 00:51:25,225
He is losing this fight!
1356
00:51:27,551 --> 00:51:29,428
Oh, God! I can see your nipple!
1357
00:51:29,486 --> 00:51:30,487
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
1358
00:51:33,557 --> 00:51:34,661
Get your butt out of my face!
1359
00:51:34,724 --> 00:51:35,725
(YELLS)
1360
00:51:35,859 --> 00:51:36,894
(GROANING)
1361
00:51:39,729 --> 00:51:42,972
Well, thank you so much.
1362
00:51:43,500 --> 00:51:45,036
Um, I definitely needed this.
1363
00:51:45,202 --> 00:51:48,012
I know.
Bring this gift into your marriage.
1364
00:51:48,572 --> 00:51:52,247
- All you need is load-bearing ribbons.
- Okay.
1365
00:51:52,409 --> 00:51:54,912
- And a reinforced ceiling.
- Oh.
1366
00:51:54,978 --> 00:51:56,252
I should warn you...
1367
00:51:56,379 --> 00:52:00,452
you may experience some
aftershock orgasms.
1368
00:52:00,684 --> 00:52:01,890
Oh.
1369
00:52:02,052 --> 00:52:05,226
So, I wouldn't operate any heavy machinery
for a couple weeks.
1370
00:52:05,388 --> 00:52:07,994
That is not a euphemism for penis.
I mean like...
1371
00:52:08,158 --> 00:52:12,607
-tractors, cranes, big boats.
- Okay.
1372
00:52:12,762 --> 00:52:14,435
Good to know.
1373
00:52:14,598 --> 00:52:16,942
- Oh, and please hydrate.
- Okay.
1374
00:52:17,100 --> 00:52:21,173
I cannot stress this enough.
The consequences could be...
1375
00:52:22,439 --> 00:52:23,884
You could develop cancer.
1376
00:52:25,408 --> 00:52:26,716
You have a very good friend.
1377
00:52:32,082 --> 00:52:34,562
Wait, you did that?
1378
00:52:34,918 --> 00:52:37,831
Yeah, well, I felt so bad
about your fucked up face...
1379
00:52:37,888 --> 00:52:39,299
and I wanted to make it up to you.
1380
00:52:39,923 --> 00:52:41,266
Aw! Thank you.
1381
00:52:41,591 --> 00:52:44,435
Hey, who needs a bachelorette party
when they have you around?
1382
00:52:44,561 --> 00:52:45,562
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
1383
00:52:45,795 --> 00:52:47,706
- He rubbed my butt.
- Yeah?
1384
00:52:47,764 --> 00:52:49,539
But with his butt.
1385
00:52:49,699 --> 00:52:52,305
It was like...
He was on ribbons.
1386
00:52:53,603 --> 00:52:55,207
I don't know what you did
with Jeanie in the spa...
1387
00:52:55,272 --> 00:52:56,876
but she's in a great mood.
1388
00:52:56,940 --> 00:52:59,443
Yeah, no problem.
She just needed a release.
1389
00:52:59,609 --> 00:53:01,953
Oh, um, I had an idea for your graphic novel.
1390
00:53:02,112 --> 00:53:04,388
I thought you could do
like a Rum character,
1391
00:53:04,447 --> 00:53:05,949
who's like Rastafarian, and he's like...
1392
00:53:06,349 --> 00:53:09,819
"I'm Rum Rum, get in my tum-tum,
and I play the steel drum."
1393
00:53:09,920 --> 00:53:10,955
(IMITATES STEEL DRUM)
1394
00:53:11,054 --> 00:53:12,590
"You can rum,
but you cannot hide, mon."
1395
00:53:12,756 --> 00:53:15,259
Yeah, that's awesome.
Already, that's so amazing.
1396
00:53:15,425 --> 00:53:17,735
No, that's such a good idea.
How did I not think of that?
1397
00:53:19,763 --> 00:53:23,802
I think when I get back,
I'm gonna stop selling liquor with Mike...
1398
00:53:23,967 --> 00:53:25,446
and start drawing full time.
1399
00:53:25,602 --> 00:53:27,081
- Really?
- Yeah.
1400
00:53:27,237 --> 00:53:28,739
That's amazing.
1401
00:53:28,905 --> 00:53:31,112
Do you know how few people
know what they really wanna do?
1402
00:53:31,274 --> 00:53:33,447
But then I think about
what Mike's gonna think about it all...
1403
00:53:33,510 --> 00:53:35,490
and he's gonna hate that idea.
1404
00:53:35,645 --> 00:53:37,352
He's so clingy.
1405
00:53:37,514 --> 00:53:40,358
When we were kids,
if I fell asleep before Mike...
1406
00:53:40,417 --> 00:53:42,488
he would always wake me up
so he wouldn't feel alone.
1407
00:53:42,652 --> 00:53:44,495
- That's kinda sweet.
- Yeah.
1408
00:53:44,654 --> 00:53:46,292
I don't know. I just...
1409
00:53:50,093 --> 00:53:51,470
Do you ever get that feeling...
1410
00:53:51,628 --> 00:53:55,132
that you're not good enough
to get what you really want...
1411
00:53:55,298 --> 00:53:57,107
so you're too scared to try?
1412
00:53:58,835 --> 00:54:00,143
All the time.
1413
00:54:00,837 --> 00:54:03,613
- Really?
- Like, all the time. it's terrifying.
1414
00:54:03,773 --> 00:54:05,650
- It is, it's terrifying.
- Yeah.
1415
00:54:05,809 --> 00:54:06,810
You're, like, stuck.
1416
00:54:06,977 --> 00:54:08,615
- Totally.
- Yeah.
1417
00:54:08,778 --> 00:54:10,280
Thanks. it's nice talking to you
about this.
1418
00:54:23,660 --> 00:54:25,105
Hey. where you going?
1419
00:54:25,161 --> 00:54:27,573
Is there a gang bang in the ballroom
you need to emcee?
1420
00:54:27,631 --> 00:54:29,110
Don't be such a drama king.
1421
00:54:29,199 --> 00:54:30,906
Yeah, I'm totally overreacting.
1422
00:54:31,067 --> 00:54:32,375
When you invite someone to a wedding...
1423
00:54:32,535 --> 00:54:34,811
they obviously are supposed to
finger diddle your family members.
1424
00:54:34,871 --> 00:54:35,872
That's common courtesy!
1425
00:54:36,039 --> 00:54:38,315
Okay, hold up.
lam a grown-ass woman.
1426
00:54:38,508 --> 00:54:40,545
I can finger diddle whomever I want.
1427
00:54:40,677 --> 00:54:43,180
Just because you say "whomever"
does not make it okay.
1428
00:54:43,346 --> 00:54:46,816
It's not a big deal.
It's just like texting someone.
1429
00:54:47,050 --> 00:54:48,996
- Oh.
-It's just like Tinder.
1430
00:54:49,152 --> 00:54:53,623
Swipe right, swipe right, swipe left.
Swipe left, swipe right.
1431
00:54:53,690 --> 00:54:55,499
That's very graphic.
That is...
1432
00:54:55,558 --> 00:54:58,698
Rotating your photos.
Expanding them, contracting them.
1433
00:54:58,862 --> 00:55:01,399
Are you deliberately trying to hurt me?
Is that what you're doing?
1434
00:55:01,564 --> 00:55:04,101
What? No!
I was just trying to get RiRi tickets...
1435
00:55:04,167 --> 00:55:06,113
to make my best friend feel better, okay?
1436
00:55:06,269 --> 00:55:07,771
We're on Va cay.
1437
00:55:09,839 --> 00:55:10,840
No...
1438
00:55:11,007 --> 00:55:14,716
You are invited to my sister's wedding.
You're supposed to smile, nod...
1439
00:55:14,878 --> 00:55:16,084
and do what I want you to do.
1440
00:55:16,246 --> 00:55:17,247
That's the deal.
1441
00:55:17,881 --> 00:55:19,690
I thought that we had a connection.
1442
00:55:20,250 --> 00:55:21,251
Like a spark.
1443
00:55:21,418 --> 00:55:24,365
You thought you were gonna bring me here
so that you could have sex with me.
1444
00:55:24,688 --> 00:55:27,168
Yes. No! What? Yeah, right.
1445
00:55:27,223 --> 00:55:28,224
Really?
1446
00:55:30,193 --> 00:55:31,900
Yes, obviously.
1447
00:55:32,062 --> 00:55:34,099
You are so hot.
And you smell good.
1448
00:55:34,264 --> 00:55:36,039
It's not a weird thing that I wanna have
sex with you...
1449
00:55:36,199 --> 00:55:38,145
because you are very sexy...
1450
00:55:38,301 --> 00:55:40,406
and you were leading me on,
and we are in Hawaii...
1451
00:55:40,570 --> 00:55:42,447
which is a sexy place,
and people have sex here.
1452
00:55:42,605 --> 00:55:44,915
God, dude,
you built this all up in your head.
1453
00:55:45,075 --> 00:55:46,952
Alice and I just saw you on TV...
1454
00:55:47,143 --> 00:55:48,918
-wanted to go to Hawaii.
- Hold up.
1455
00:55:49,946 --> 00:55:50,947
Fuck.
1456
00:55:51,114 --> 00:55:52,115
You saw us on TV?
1457
00:55:52,282 --> 00:55:54,284
No, I don't even watch Wendy Williams.
1458
00:55:54,384 --> 00:55:55,624
-(GASPING)
-(GROWLING)
1459
00:55:59,556 --> 00:56:00,557
What?
1460
00:56:01,791 --> 00:56:03,327
- What?
- Shh!
1461
00:56:03,426 --> 00:56:04,734
I thought you dug me.
1462
00:56:04,894 --> 00:56:06,168
Are you even a teacher?
1463
00:56:09,165 --> 00:56:10,166
No.
1464
00:56:10,333 --> 00:56:11,334
What about little Julio...
1465
00:56:11,501 --> 00:56:13,640
the dyslexic boy
who you taught how to read?
1466
00:56:13,803 --> 00:56:16,181
Made it up.
All of it.
1467
00:56:16,339 --> 00:56:18,615
Although I did have sex
with this guy name Julio once...
1468
00:56:18,775 --> 00:56:20,277
and I'm pretty sure he couldn't read.
1469
00:56:21,244 --> 00:56:23,747
Here I thought you were Michelle Pfeiffer
from Dangerous Minds.
1470
00:56:23,913 --> 00:56:26,086
Turns out, you're Michelle Pfeiffer
from Scarf ace.
1471
00:56:26,783 --> 00:56:28,194
And you didn't even
1472
00:56:28,351 --> 00:56:31,730
(IMITATES TONY MONTANA)
say hello to my little friend.
1473
00:56:32,489 --> 00:56:33,490
(SCOFFS)
1474
00:56:36,292 --> 00:56:38,169
Oh, come on, man.
1475
00:56:39,195 --> 00:56:40,299
Mike.
1476
00:56:52,175 --> 00:56:53,415
(swans)
1477
00:56:53,977 --> 00:56:55,786
I'm really sorry. Um...
1478
00:56:56,946 --> 00:56:58,983
I've been acting crazy.
1479
00:56:59,315 --> 00:57:01,955
It's probably about Luke, my ex.
1480
00:57:02,018 --> 00:57:05,192
Oh, yeah. The guy who
died in the plane crash...
1481
00:57:05,855 --> 00:57:07,994
with cancer, and AIDS, and stuff.
1482
00:57:08,158 --> 00:57:09,865
Yeah, that's the one.
1483
00:57:10,527 --> 00:57:12,666
Except none of that stuff happened,
'cause, um...
1484
00:57:16,466 --> 00:57:18,070
I lied.
1485
00:57:18,134 --> 00:57:19,135
You lied?
1486
00:57:21,271 --> 00:57:22,375
I can't do this.
1487
00:57:22,439 --> 00:57:23,440
Wait.
1488
00:57:23,540 --> 00:57:24,575
Sorry.
1489
00:57:24,674 --> 00:57:27,348
- That's okay. That's okay.
-Sorry everyone.
1490
00:57:27,410 --> 00:57:30,584
[just forgot my phone.
Can I grab my phone?
1491
00:57:31,314 --> 00:57:33,555
Sorry, I still don't want to get married.
1492
00:57:33,716 --> 00:57:34,717
(GUESTS BOOING)
1493
00:57:36,219 --> 00:57:37,357
-(CRYING)
- DAVE: Oh, my gosh.
1494
00:57:37,520 --> 00:57:40,399
That's almost as bad
as the plane crash story.
1495
00:57:41,224 --> 00:57:42,703
Why didn't you just tell me?
1496
00:57:44,694 --> 00:57:46,867
I didn't want you to think
I was damaged goods.
1497
00:57:48,064 --> 00:57:49,839
I would never think that.
1498
00:57:50,667 --> 00:57:51,873
"Love hurts.
1499
00:57:52,869 --> 00:57:54,542
"Love scars.
1500
00:57:54,704 --> 00:57:58,516
"Love wounds, and mars."
1501
00:57:59,542 --> 00:58:03,718
That's from a really old song,
for old people.
1502
00:58:05,014 --> 00:58:06,789
Why are you so nice?
1503
00:58:07,350 --> 00:58:08,351
(SNIFFLES)
1504
00:58:09,786 --> 00:58:11,732
'Cause I think you're nice.
1505
00:58:18,962 --> 00:58:19,963
MIKE: David!
1506
00:58:20,864 --> 00:58:23,538
David, I need you here with me now.
Come on.
1507
00:58:23,700 --> 00:58:24,940
No. No.
1508
00:58:25,368 --> 00:58:27,746
Stangles, assemble. Now!
1509
00:58:27,904 --> 00:58:29,611
- Let's go.
- Is he okay?
1510
00:58:29,706 --> 00:58:30,707
Yeah, I think he's fine.
1511
00:58:30,773 --> 00:58:31,774
He's just got a lot on his mind.
1512
00:58:31,941 --> 00:58:32,976
Let's go!
1513
00:58:33,042 --> 00:58:34,612
Okay, I'm coming, dude. Jeez.
1514
00:58:34,711 --> 00:58:35,712
(GRUNTS)
1515
00:58:37,447 --> 00:58:38,619
Oh... I...
1516
00:58:38,715 --> 00:58:40,626
You gave me a boost up.
Okay.
1517
00:58:48,324 --> 00:58:49,803
A line has been drawn, David.
1518
00:58:50,059 --> 00:58:52,562
A clear line in the sand.
1519
00:58:52,629 --> 00:58:54,233
Is that why you brought me
all the way down here...
1520
00:58:54,297 --> 00:58:56,436
so you could literally
draw a line in the sand?
1521
00:58:56,499 --> 00:58:57,705
I'm a visual thinker, David.
1522
00:58:57,767 --> 00:58:59,075
- God damn it!
- Son of a...
1523
00:59:00,370 --> 00:59:03,180
These girls, they've gotta go.
1524
00:59:03,239 --> 00:59:07,415
They pretended to dig us
just to get a free trip to Hawaii.
1525
00:59:07,577 --> 00:59:08,851
They're liars!
1526
00:59:09,012 --> 00:59:11,083
So what, man? So they lied.
1527
00:59:11,514 --> 00:59:12,925
I was talking to Alice.
1528
00:59:12,982 --> 00:59:14,928
You have no idea
what this girl's been through.
1529
00:59:15,084 --> 00:59:17,587
She needed this trip.
We might have saved her life.
1530
00:59:17,954 --> 00:59:20,867
We should be practicing our speech
for tonight.
1531
00:59:20,924 --> 00:59:23,336
Not babysitting the twins
from The Shining.
1532
00:59:23,660 --> 00:59:24,661
(CHUCKLES)
1533
00:59:26,195 --> 00:59:27,674
Oh, my God.
1534
00:59:27,830 --> 00:59:29,173
Why are you laughing at me?
1535
00:59:29,499 --> 00:59:31,445
You sound like mom and dad
when they're talking about us.
1536
00:59:31,501 --> 00:59:33,447
Well, no, fuck that noise.
1537
00:59:34,003 --> 00:59:35,607
Oh. Oh. Oh.
1538
00:59:35,672 --> 00:59:37,208
Guess what! You're gonna love this.
1539
00:59:37,373 --> 00:59:41,287
Tatiana was jerking off our cousin Terry.
1540
00:59:41,444 --> 00:59:43,117
- What?
- Mmm-hmm.
1541
00:59:43,179 --> 00:59:44,317
Cousin Terry has a dick?
1542
00:59:44,647 --> 00:59:46,251
No, not "jerking off" jerking off.
1543
00:59:46,316 --> 00:59:48,489
The female version of jerking.
1544
00:59:48,651 --> 00:59:50,324
Dude, let's just chill out...
1545
00:59:50,486 --> 00:59:52,625
focus on Jeanie,
and try not to be assholes...
1546
00:59:52,789 --> 00:59:54,132
for the rest of the weekend, okay?
Can we do that?
1547
00:59:54,190 --> 00:59:55,828
I can't do that, David.
1548
00:59:56,225 --> 00:59:58,296
Because I saw our little sister...
1549
00:59:59,128 --> 01:00:00,129
What?
1550
01:00:01,030 --> 01:00:03,408
Well, let's just say
she was making this face...
1551
01:00:04,200 --> 01:00:05,702
(IMITATES JEANIE MOANING)
1552
01:00:05,802 --> 01:00:07,509
What? She saw a ghost?
1553
01:00:07,670 --> 01:00:09,479
(MOANS LOUDLY)
1554
01:00:09,639 --> 01:00:11,050
She really had to pee?
1555
01:00:11,140 --> 01:00:12,346
(MOANS RAPIDLY)
1556
01:00:12,408 --> 01:00:13,409
Doing vocal warmups?
1557
01:00:14,277 --> 01:00:15,950
What are you doing?
It looks like you're having an orgasm.
1558
01:00:16,012 --> 01:00:19,357
She was, David! With the masseuse.
1559
01:00:19,882 --> 01:00:21,225
- What!
- Yes!
1560
01:00:21,417 --> 01:00:22,555
Oh, my God!
1561
01:00:22,685 --> 01:00:24,858
- She orgasms like a star.
- No!
1562
01:00:24,921 --> 01:00:26,093
What's next?
1563
01:00:26,356 --> 01:00:30,827
I'm gonna walk in on mom
giving dad a Push Pop?
1564
01:00:31,494 --> 01:00:32,529
What's a Push Pop?
1565
01:00:32,662 --> 01:00:36,007
I made it up, Dave.
It's a sexual term that I just made up.
1566
01:00:36,165 --> 01:00:38,702
- What's a Push Pop?
- I don't know.
1567
01:00:38,768 --> 01:00:40,645
- What's a Push Pop?
- I don't know!
1568
01:00:40,703 --> 01:00:41,943
What's a Push Pop?
1569
01:00:42,005 --> 01:00:44,508
I've been to the bowels of the Internet,
and I've never seen a Push Pop.
1570
01:00:44,674 --> 01:00:46,244
God,just tell me!
What's a Push Pop?
1571
01:00:46,409 --> 01:00:48,355
It's a whole hand up an ass, David.
1572
01:00:48,511 --> 01:00:50,422
Is that what you want me to say?
1573
01:00:50,580 --> 01:00:53,959
- Oh, God!
- Two hands pushin' the pop.
1574
01:00:54,050 --> 01:00:56,121
- Oh, God.
- Is that what you want me to say?
1575
01:00:56,219 --> 01:00:57,755
I'll send you some links.
1576
01:01:07,997 --> 01:01:11,103
(HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYING)
1577
01:01:12,101 --> 01:01:13,842
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
1578
01:01:17,140 --> 01:01:19,245
- We're at table two.
- I'll be at the bar.
1579
01:01:19,409 --> 01:01:20,945
- I said table two.
- I'll be at the bar!
1580
01:01:21,110 --> 01:01:22,282
You're out of control!
1581
01:01:23,112 --> 01:01:24,113
Thank you.
1582
01:01:25,248 --> 01:01:26,818
Trouble in paradise?
1583
01:01:28,851 --> 01:01:30,091
(EXHALES FORCEFULLY)
1584
01:01:30,987 --> 01:01:33,866
Freaking I don't care if I cause a scene.
1585
01:01:34,023 --> 01:01:37,971
Freaking I will punch you 17,000 times
in the face. Freaking.
1586
01:01:38,127 --> 01:01:39,128
Take a shot.
1587
01:01:39,629 --> 01:01:42,200
You look like Don Johnson
fucked Zack Morris.
1588
01:01:42,932 --> 01:01:45,811
Wait till Tatiana hears your shitty speech
after my crazy dope one.
1589
01:01:45,968 --> 01:01:47,345
She's never gonna
touch your baby bird again.
1590
01:01:49,439 --> 01:01:51,112
Thriller-Terry out!
1591
01:01:51,174 --> 01:01:52,676
(GRUNTING)
1592
01:01:52,775 --> 01:01:54,277
So sad!
1593
01:01:54,444 --> 01:01:55,684
DAVE: Oh, my God.
It's a movie about cameras
1594
01:01:55,778 --> 01:01:57,052
just following you everywhere.
1595
01:01:57,280 --> 01:01:59,624
- Like The Truman Show.
- Yeah! Exactly like The Truman Show!
1596
01:01:59,682 --> 01:02:01,389
Hey, Dave! Dave!
1597
01:02:01,551 --> 01:02:02,791
Hey, what's up?
1598
01:02:02,952 --> 01:02:05,626
I need you to come backstage right now
and practice the speech.
1599
01:02:05,688 --> 01:02:06,894
Uh...
1600
01:02:06,989 --> 01:02:09,060
Dude, I'm kind of
talking to Alice right now.
1601
01:02:09,225 --> 01:02:10,966
Which is a conversation
you've now interrupted twice.
1602
01:02:11,127 --> 01:02:12,333
Our speech needs to kill.
1603
01:02:12,495 --> 01:02:14,532
Terry got a punch up from Chris Rock.
1604
01:02:14,797 --> 01:02:17,243
I didn't want to tell you before
because I didn't want you to freak out.
1605
01:02:17,400 --> 01:02:18,401
I'm not freaking out.
1606
01:02:18,534 --> 01:02:19,877
Calm the fuck down, Dave!
1607
01:02:20,036 --> 01:02:21,174
You calm the fuck down!
1608
01:02:21,337 --> 01:02:23,112
Mike, you look like
your face is gonna pop.
1609
01:02:23,339 --> 01:02:25,148
You gonna come or what?
1610
01:02:25,208 --> 01:02:26,619
Let's go.
1611
01:02:26,676 --> 01:02:28,349
I'll see you backstage.
1612
01:02:28,411 --> 01:02:29,412
(CHUCKLES)
1613
01:02:30,780 --> 01:02:31,815
Uh...
1614
01:02:31,881 --> 01:02:33,986
- I'm gonna go deal with this real quick.
- Okay.
1615
01:02:34,050 --> 01:02:35,996
I'll just talk to myself for a while.
All alone.
1616
01:02:39,255 --> 01:02:41,030
ALICE ON PHONE:
...look an your stupid face!
1617
01:02:41,124 --> 01:02:42,626
What's wrong with me?
1618
01:02:42,692 --> 01:02:44,365
TATIANA: Dan 't fucking look at her.
Turn around.
1619
01:02:44,427 --> 01:02:45,838
Everybody get the fuck out of here.
1620
01:02:45,895 --> 01:02:47,238
Fuck you, Luke.
1621
01:02:47,597 --> 01:02:50,168
I'm just gonna have
a little lie down, okay?
1622
01:02:50,233 --> 01:02:51,234
(ALICE SOBBING ON PHONE)
1623
01:02:54,137 --> 01:02:55,582
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
1624
01:03:02,145 --> 01:03:03,317
Hi!
1625
01:03:03,479 --> 01:03:04,924
"Hi!
"Hi!
1626
01:03:04,981 --> 01:03:07,120
Did you need to
take a little breather, too?
1627
01:03:07,183 --> 01:03:08,685
No. Why? Are you?
1628
01:03:08,751 --> 01:03:10,230
(CLICKS TONGUE) Well...
1629
01:03:10,953 --> 01:03:14,332
You know, you think that
every moment is going to feel...
1630
01:03:14,390 --> 01:03:16,700
warm and glowy...
1631
01:03:16,759 --> 01:03:18,602
and absolutely magical.
1632
01:03:18,661 --> 01:03:21,608
But, then, some stuff happens.
1633
01:03:22,598 --> 01:03:23,770
- Sure does.
- Yeah.
1634
01:03:23,833 --> 01:03:25,244
(BOTH CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY)
1635
01:03:26,169 --> 01:03:29,378
Well, if you want
warm, glowy and magical...
1636
01:03:30,239 --> 01:03:31,309
I have just the thing.
1637
01:03:31,941 --> 01:03:33,113
I don't leave home without it.
1638
01:03:34,744 --> 01:03:35,779
(GASPS)
1639
01:03:35,945 --> 01:03:37,515
- Oh!
1640
01:03:37,580 --> 01:03:40,220
Every bride deserves to have a little fun
the night before her wedding!
1641
01:03:40,283 --> 01:03:42,263
Yeah. I deserve to have a little fun.
1642
01:03:43,486 --> 01:03:45,227
You are so nice to me.
1643
01:03:45,454 --> 01:03:46,455
Aww.
1644
01:03:49,492 --> 01:03:50,562
This is gonna be so much fun!
1645
01:03:50,626 --> 01:03:51,730
(CHUCKLES)
1646
01:03:51,828 --> 01:03:53,102
We should find something to suck on.
1647
01:03:53,162 --> 01:03:54,163
What? Oh.
1648
01:03:54,230 --> 01:03:55,231
-(GRUNTS)
- Mike!
1649
01:03:55,298 --> 01:03:56,470
Here. Put these on.
1650
01:03:57,366 --> 01:03:58,538
- We need headsets?
- Yeah!
1651
01:03:58,901 --> 01:04:01,211
There's a lot of dancing
in our speech, my man. Right?
1652
01:04:01,270 --> 01:04:02,476
Gotta go hands free.
1653
01:04:02,538 --> 01:04:04,108
This is how we do it, baby.
1654
01:04:04,173 --> 01:04:06,210
Come on. Hey, check this out.
1655
01:04:06,275 --> 01:04:08,346
I'm going to "wedding crash" cousin Terry.
1656
01:04:08,411 --> 01:04:09,481
What?
1657
01:04:09,545 --> 01:04:10,580
Put a few eye drops in her drink.
1658
01:04:10,646 --> 01:04:12,421
That way she shits all night,
and can't do the speech.
1659
01:04:12,481 --> 01:04:13,653
Just like in the movie Wedding Crashers.
1660
01:04:13,850 --> 01:04:15,591
Mike, that is a terrible idea.
1661
01:04:15,651 --> 01:04:17,927
- You've seen the movie!
- Of course I've seen the movie.
1662
01:04:17,987 --> 01:04:19,898
- You love that movie.
- Everyone loves that movie.
1663
01:04:19,956 --> 01:04:21,401
How's it a bad idea
if you love the movie?
1664
01:04:21,457 --> 01:04:23,437
I love Taken.
I don't want to go steal little girls.
1665
01:04:23,492 --> 01:04:25,199
But we shouldn't wedding crash
our own cousin.
1666
01:04:25,261 --> 01:04:26,501
I'm worried about you, man.
1667
01:04:26,562 --> 01:04:28,439
I'm really worried
that you're losing your mind.
1668
01:04:28,564 --> 01:04:30,168
The look in your eyes right now...
1669
01:04:30,399 --> 01:04:32,379
You haven't blinked
since we've started talking.
1670
01:04:32,435 --> 01:04:33,880
Oh, Davie, Davie, Davie!
1671
01:04:34,103 --> 01:04:35,173
What?
1672
01:04:35,571 --> 01:04:38,177
I've never been in more control
in my entire life.
1673
01:04:40,209 --> 01:04:41,984
-(LAUGHS)
- Mike!
1674
01:04:42,111 --> 01:04:43,920
- Whoo!
- Ugh. Mike!
1675
01:04:44,447 --> 01:04:45,824
This is really intense.
1676
01:04:46,449 --> 01:04:48,087
(ECHOING) Yeah, it's hitting me really hard.
1677
01:04:48,150 --> 01:04:50,027
This is good ecstasy.
1678
01:04:50,486 --> 01:04:52,295
I don't know. I wouldn't know.
It's my first time.
1679
01:04:52,488 --> 01:04:53,899
- Wait, what?
- What?
1680
01:04:53,956 --> 01:04:56,300
Why would you take ecstasy
for the first time
1681
01:04:56,359 --> 01:04:57,804
on the night before your wedding?
1682
01:04:57,860 --> 01:04:58,861
What?
1683
01:04:58,961 --> 01:05:00,338
That is so baller!
1684
01:05:01,163 --> 01:05:03,040
Like a tiny blonde gangsta!
1685
01:05:03,165 --> 01:05:05,509
This little gangsta would kill
for a motherfucking ginger ale!
1686
01:05:05,568 --> 01:05:06,603
(LAUGHS)
1687
01:05:06,669 --> 01:05:07,739
- Do you wanna go?
- Mmm-hmm.
1688
01:05:07,837 --> 01:05:09,316
Okay, let's go.
1689
01:05:09,372 --> 01:05:11,215
Hello, everyone. Please take your seats.
1690
01:05:11,607 --> 01:05:13,484
Welcome to the rehearsal dinner...
1691
01:05:14,243 --> 01:05:15,916
-for my man, Eric...
-(APPLAUSE)
1692
01:05:16,012 --> 01:05:18,356
and his bride-to-be,
the lovely Jeanie.
1693
01:05:18,447 --> 01:05:21,360
They're two of the sweetest, best people
I ever met.
1694
01:05:21,484 --> 01:05:23,760
All right. Our first speaker tonight...
1695
01:05:23,853 --> 01:05:25,662
is resident nasty girl...
1696
01:05:25,721 --> 01:05:26,859
Cousin Terry.
1697
01:05:26,923 --> 01:05:28,197
(GUESTS CHEERING)
1698
01:05:28,257 --> 01:05:29,793
We can't let Terry crush.
1699
01:05:30,092 --> 01:05:31,162
It's not fair!
1700
01:05:31,227 --> 01:05:32,433
No. Give it to me.
1701
01:05:32,528 --> 01:05:34,235
My eyes are dry. Just give it to me.
1702
01:05:34,630 --> 01:05:36,234
Do you guys know who Chris Rock is?
1703
01:05:36,799 --> 01:05:39,837
He's my neighbor, and he helped me out
with a little something I like to call...
1704
01:05:40,102 --> 01:05:41,479
"mV Speech?
1705
01:05:41,537 --> 01:05:44,177
Stop. You're wasting it.
You're wasting the poison.
1706
01:05:44,240 --> 01:05:45,378
Mike, this is baby safe.
1707
01:05:45,441 --> 01:05:48,422
They removed the active ingredient,
Tetrahydrozoline, like 20 years ago!
1708
01:05:48,477 --> 01:05:49,717
It worked on Wedding Crashers!
1709
01:05:49,779 --> 01:05:51,315
That was not real life!
1710
01:05:51,380 --> 01:05:53,986
Now let's talk about destination weddings!
1711
01:05:54,650 --> 01:05:56,129
It's like a vacation...
1712
01:05:56,185 --> 01:05:58,028
without the relaxation!
1713
01:05:58,154 --> 01:05:59,531
(ALL LAUGHING)
1714
01:05:59,722 --> 01:06:00,894
That's true.
1715
01:06:00,957 --> 01:06:01,958
Why aren't you on my side, Dave?
1716
01:06:02,391 --> 01:06:03,426
What?
1717
01:06:03,492 --> 01:06:05,904
I'm done with this shit, man.
I'm not doing our stupid speech.
1718
01:06:06,128 --> 01:06:08,335
In fact, I'm quitting our liquor business.
1719
01:06:08,397 --> 01:06:09,501
There it is!
1720
01:06:09,732 --> 01:06:10,802
- Really?
- Yeah.
1721
01:06:10,900 --> 01:06:12,004
And what are you gonna do?
1722
01:06:12,134 --> 01:06:13,511
I'm gonna draw!
1723
01:06:13,569 --> 01:06:16,709
I'm gonna work on my graphic novel,
and Mom's gonna help me cover the rent.
1724
01:06:16,772 --> 01:06:17,842
Boom!
1725
01:06:18,040 --> 01:06:19,075
You traitor!
1726
01:06:19,141 --> 01:06:20,176
TERRY: I ain't gotta rehearse!
1727
01:06:20,710 --> 01:06:22,519
I know how to eat dinner.
1728
01:06:22,578 --> 01:06:23,579
(ALL LAUGHING)
1729
01:06:25,681 --> 01:06:26,716
Keith, can you turn me up a little bit?
1730
01:06:27,616 --> 01:06:29,118
MIKE ON SPEAKERS:
You turn your back an me...
1731
01:06:29,285 --> 01:06:30,628
when everyone else does.
1732
01:06:30,853 --> 01:06:31,957
Ba cks tabbing, treacherous...
1733
01:06:32,655 --> 01:06:33,861
lying coward!
1734
01:06:34,090 --> 01:06:35,364
Ooh, I don't think they know they're on.
1735
01:06:35,424 --> 01:06:36,835
What? Where is that coming from?
1736
01:06:37,193 --> 01:06:38,433
I don't know what I did!
1737
01:06:38,527 --> 01:06:39,870
DAVE: It doesn't matter, Mike.
1738
01:06:39,929 --> 01:06:41,340
You're losing your mind.
1739
01:06:41,530 --> 01:06:43,476
You just tried to poison our cousin Terry!
1740
01:06:43,566 --> 01:06:44,636
(ALL GASP)
1741
01:06:44,834 --> 01:06:46,074
Try a little harder. Am I right?
1742
01:06:46,135 --> 01:06:47,307
You're goddamn right I did.
1743
01:06:47,370 --> 01:06:50,408
Because I wanted her to shit
hot brown poop all over that stage.
1744
01:06:51,307 --> 01:06:52,684
That is unacceptable.
1745
01:06:52,742 --> 01:06:54,619
The mics are on, boys.
1746
01:06:54,677 --> 01:06:57,590
I wanted her butt to explode
like a rotten cantaloupe.
1747
01:06:57,646 --> 01:06:58,852
The mics are on!
1748
01:06:58,914 --> 01:07:01,986
You're just fucking pissed off
because Tatiana finger diddled Terry.
1749
01:07:02,218 --> 01:07:03,959
-(GASPS)
- There it is!
1750
01:07:05,421 --> 01:07:06,991
It was for tickets to Rihanna.
1751
01:07:07,123 --> 01:07:09,034
You're sad, man. You are sad.
1752
01:07:09,425 --> 01:07:12,031
I'm gonna kick your ass
just like when we were kids.
1753
01:07:14,997 --> 01:07:16,340
-(YELLS)
-(GRUNTS)
1754
01:07:16,599 --> 01:07:17,873
- ALL: Oh!
- My God!
1755
01:07:20,102 --> 01:07:21,376
- Do you wanna go?
- Don't do it!
1756
01:07:21,437 --> 01:07:22,677
These are coming your way.
1757
01:07:22,738 --> 01:07:23,773
Just stop!
1758
01:07:23,839 --> 01:07:24,840
(GROANS)
1759
01:07:24,907 --> 01:07:26,580
God! That had to hurt.
1760
01:07:26,909 --> 01:07:28,217
- Don't do it again.
-(YELLS)
1761
01:07:28,677 --> 01:07:29,678
ALL: Oh!
1762
01:07:29,745 --> 01:07:30,815
(DAVE GRUNTING)
1763
01:07:30,880 --> 01:07:31,881
(MIKE GROANING)
1764
01:07:31,947 --> 01:07:33,187
MIKE: Why do you keep punching me?
1765
01:07:33,249 --> 01:07:34,660
DAVE". Why do you keep rushing at me?
1766
01:07:34,817 --> 01:07:35,989
Get him, Dave.
1767
01:07:36,085 --> 01:07:37,223
Oops, who said that?
1768
01:07:37,286 --> 01:07:38,924
This wedding is going to hell!
1769
01:07:39,021 --> 01:07:40,193
Yes.
1770
01:07:40,256 --> 01:07:42,361
MIKE: They're out there,
smiling like fucking idiots.
1771
01:07:42,925 --> 01:07:45,098
And they don't realize the bride...
1772
01:07:45,261 --> 01:07:47,207
is getting off at massage parlors...
1773
01:07:47,263 --> 01:07:49,573
like a goddamn Vietnam War veteran.
1774
01:07:49,632 --> 01:07:50,736
(ALL GASP)
1775
01:07:51,133 --> 01:07:53,670
I think they misunderstood what happened.
I think they just misunderstood.
1776
01:07:53,736 --> 01:07:55,875
MIKE: I walked in and saw little Jeanie...
1777
01:07:55,938 --> 01:07:57,747
the bride-to-be, orgasming.
1778
01:07:57,807 --> 01:08:00,219
The masseuse got her off.
1779
01:08:00,276 --> 01:08:01,653
God damn it!
1780
01:08:01,710 --> 01:08:02,780
Jeanie!
1781
01:08:03,212 --> 01:08:04,213
I hate you!
1782
01:08:06,348 --> 01:08:07,349
(ALL GASP)
1783
01:08:08,117 --> 01:08:09,118
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1784
01:08:18,294 --> 01:08:20,103
KEITH: The rehearsal dinner is over.
1785
01:08:20,796 --> 01:08:23,800
Drinks by the pool, everybody.
Drinks by the pool.
1786
01:08:24,333 --> 01:08:25,437
(ALICE WHOOPING)
1787
01:08:25,501 --> 01:08:27,037
(JEANIE LAUGHING)
1788
01:08:27,436 --> 01:08:29,973
Everything feels so good, right?
1789
01:08:30,106 --> 01:08:31,107
Yep.
1790
01:08:31,507 --> 01:08:33,043
You know what
I've been thinking about a lot?
1791
01:08:33,109 --> 01:08:34,179
Tell me.
1792
01:08:34,276 --> 01:08:36,222
Eric is so sweet and sensitive.
1793
01:08:36,278 --> 01:08:38,315
Kind, good, fiancé.
1794
01:08:38,380 --> 01:08:39,916
Probably great husband and stuff, but...
1795
01:08:41,016 --> 01:08:42,825
Do you think Eric is boring?
1796
01:08:42,885 --> 01:08:43,955
Boring?
1797
01:08:44,019 --> 01:08:45,191
Like for my honeymoon...
1798
01:08:45,621 --> 01:08:47,760
all I wanted to do
was go on a hot air balloon...
1799
01:08:47,823 --> 01:08:49,598
to different countries around the world.
1800
01:08:49,758 --> 01:08:51,965
And just be surrounded by wicker.
1801
01:08:52,027 --> 01:08:53,529
We could have wicker picnic baskets...
1802
01:08:53,596 --> 01:08:56,133
and I could make picnic hats
out of wicker.
1803
01:08:56,365 --> 01:08:58,367
We would be wearing
matching Chuck Taylors.
1804
01:08:58,434 --> 01:09:00,277
- And he vetoed it.
- Oh!
1805
01:09:00,703 --> 01:09:03,081
Because he wants to go to a resort,
and just...
1806
01:09:05,174 --> 01:09:06,744
-...perch.
- What?
1807
01:09:06,809 --> 01:09:07,913
I am a young woman...
1808
01:09:07,977 --> 01:09:10,253
- Preach!
- There is so much for me to see.
1809
01:09:10,312 --> 01:09:12,622
- Yes.
- I haven't even been to Burning Man.
1810
01:09:13,082 --> 01:09:15,289
I don't even know what Amsterdam is like.
1811
01:09:15,818 --> 01:09:17,388
I haven't been to Seattle.
1812
01:09:17,520 --> 01:09:18,794
You've never been to Seattle?
1813
01:09:18,854 --> 01:09:19,889
No!
1814
01:09:19,955 --> 01:09:22,333
- Seattle's gonna change your fucking life!
- Really?
1815
01:09:22,424 --> 01:09:23,664
You need to get out of this cage!
1816
01:09:23,726 --> 01:09:24,796
I am in a cage...
1817
01:09:24,860 --> 01:09:27,340
just like these horses are caged.
1818
01:09:27,530 --> 01:09:29,407
Just let them out.
1819
01:09:29,598 --> 01:09:30,599
Huh?
1820
01:09:32,067 --> 01:09:33,171
Let them all out.
1821
01:09:39,575 --> 01:09:42,215
Be free! No one can hold you down!
1822
01:09:42,278 --> 01:09:45,418
Be free, my friends! Follow your dreams!
1823
01:10:11,006 --> 01:10:12,246
Here to pile on?
1824
01:10:12,608 --> 01:10:13,609
Go ahead.
1825
01:10:13,709 --> 01:10:15,017
Any insult you can think of...
1826
01:10:15,077 --> 01:10:16,579
I've probably told myself
a million times.
1827
01:10:16,712 --> 01:10:18,385
Why were you trying to
poison your cousin?
1828
01:10:20,583 --> 01:10:25,828
I was jealous of the whole
steam room incident.
1829
01:10:25,888 --> 01:10:28,698
That is some crazy shit.
That's like something I would do.
1830
01:10:28,924 --> 01:10:30,562
This one time in high school...
1831
01:10:30,626 --> 01:10:32,128
this bitch tried to hit on my boyfriend...
1832
01:10:32,194 --> 01:10:33,798
and I cut off her ponytail
while she was sleeping...
1833
01:10:33,862 --> 01:10:35,341
and I wore it to school for a month.
1834
01:10:35,397 --> 01:10:36,535
What the fuck?
1835
01:10:36,599 --> 01:10:38,135
But you tried to poison your cousin.
1836
01:10:51,614 --> 01:10:54,595
Look. I'm sorry I've been so rough
on you, okay?
1837
01:10:54,817 --> 01:10:58,526
I honestly think it's
because you're so much like me.
1838
01:10:58,754 --> 01:11:00,734
You act all confident...
1839
01:11:00,789 --> 01:11:03,793
but, inside, you're scared of everything.
1840
01:11:04,026 --> 01:11:05,733
You act like you don't care
what people think...
1841
01:11:05,828 --> 01:11:07,398
but you really care what people think.
1842
01:11:07,496 --> 01:11:08,736
And you try to act so smart...
1843
01:11:08,797 --> 01:11:10,435
but sometimes...
1844
01:11:10,499 --> 01:11:13,708
you're just afraid
you're the dumbest person in the world.
1845
01:11:16,472 --> 01:11:18,076
I'm so dumb.
1846
01:11:18,574 --> 01:11:22,044
I'm constantly saying words
that I don't know the meaning of.
1847
01:11:22,711 --> 01:11:25,055
Like, I use this word, "assuage"...
1848
01:11:25,314 --> 01:11:26,691
all the time.
1849
01:11:26,982 --> 01:11:28,928
Can you assuage me the ketchup?
1850
01:11:29,051 --> 01:11:30,962
Can I assuage you a few questions?
1851
01:11:31,153 --> 01:11:33,963
- Is that the meaning of it?
- I don't know.
1852
01:11:34,056 --> 01:11:35,535
But it's like, I'm so stupid...
1853
01:11:35,591 --> 01:11:37,867
but I act all confident,
so people listen to me.
1854
01:11:37,926 --> 01:11:38,996
And it's fucked up.
1855
01:11:39,194 --> 01:11:41,105
Me, too. I'm a natural born leader.
1856
01:11:41,330 --> 01:11:43,105
Like George Washington.
1857
01:11:43,165 --> 01:11:44,269
Yeah.
1858
01:11:44,333 --> 01:11:45,573
Or another leader.
1859
01:11:53,142 --> 01:11:54,553
All right, here's one.
1860
01:11:54,610 --> 01:11:56,681
But I'm about to get super real
with you. Okay?
1861
01:11:58,147 --> 01:12:01,788
I thought I was destined
for such great things...
1862
01:12:01,884 --> 01:12:04,558
but I may never achieve anything.
1863
01:12:08,090 --> 01:12:09,330
Sister.
1864
01:12:10,693 --> 01:12:12,604
Have you been reading my diary?
1865
01:12:21,670 --> 01:12:22,705
Yes.
1866
01:12:23,672 --> 01:12:24,776
Okay.
1867
01:12:37,252 --> 01:12:38,560
ALICE: You are beautiful!
1868
01:12:38,620 --> 01:12:39,997
JEANIE: On to Seattle!
1869
01:12:40,155 --> 01:12:41,259
Alice?
1870
01:12:42,291 --> 01:12:43,292
Am I glowing?
1871
01:12:43,559 --> 01:12:45,232
I can see sounds and hear colors.
1872
01:12:45,427 --> 01:12:47,065
-(MIMICS HORSE SNORTING)
- Be free!
1873
01:12:47,229 --> 01:12:48,833
What the fuck are the horses doing out?
1874
01:12:49,765 --> 01:12:51,176
Who the fuck are you guys?
1875
01:12:51,433 --> 01:12:52,639
Fucking gypsies!
1876
01:12:52,801 --> 01:12:54,940
Francisco! Francisco, run!
1877
01:12:55,337 --> 01:12:57,283
Whoa! Shit!
1878
01:13:00,109 --> 01:13:01,179
Hey.
1879
01:13:01,243 --> 01:13:02,813
Dave! Hi.
1880
01:13:04,446 --> 01:13:05,789
What's up? What's up with you?
1881
01:13:05,848 --> 01:13:08,124
- What's going on? Are you okay?
- Me?
1882
01:13:08,283 --> 01:13:10,422
Yeah. I'm fine.
1883
01:13:12,187 --> 01:13:13,632
Oh. Yeah. Well...
1884
01:13:14,189 --> 01:13:15,964
Yeah. See, what happened was that...
1885
01:13:16,125 --> 01:13:18,469
there was a tsunami,
and it took away our clothes...
1886
01:13:18,527 --> 01:13:19,767
but it brought these horses.
1887
01:13:19,828 --> 01:13:20,829
What?
1888
01:13:20,896 --> 01:13:23,137
And then, we wanted to get naked
because of Lady Godiva...
1889
01:13:23,198 --> 01:13:24,973
but then horses can't eat chocolate.
1890
01:13:25,134 --> 01:13:27,114
They could have an aneurysm.
1891
01:13:27,269 --> 01:13:28,475
Where's Jeanie?
1892
01:13:28,570 --> 01:13:29,947
Hey, don't yell at her
just because she's the one...
1893
01:13:30,005 --> 01:13:31,609
-that told me to go to Seattle.
- Holy shit!
1894
01:13:31,673 --> 01:13:33,346
- I've always wanted to go!
- Oh, my God!
1895
01:13:33,409 --> 01:13:35,218
That is not her fault.
1896
01:13:35,277 --> 01:13:36,722
- Oh, my eyes!
- What's the matter?
1897
01:13:36,879 --> 01:13:38,483
Stop yelling. Why are you yelling?
David, stop yelling.
1898
01:13:38,547 --> 01:13:40,185
You're being loud.
And this a happy time.
1899
01:13:40,349 --> 01:13:41,692
This a really good time.
1900
01:13:41,850 --> 01:13:43,022
There's nothing wrong.
So who's at fault?
1901
01:13:43,085 --> 01:13:45,463
Did you know that Hitler's parents
were second cousins?
1902
01:13:45,654 --> 01:13:47,190
- Do you have any water?
- Put your clothes on!
1903
01:13:47,356 --> 01:13:49,563
I'm a woman, Dave.
Deal with it.
1904
01:13:49,658 --> 01:13:50,693
(GROANS)
1905
01:13:50,793 --> 01:13:54,502
Because this is the bush
that you came out of.
1906
01:13:54,663 --> 01:13:56,006
I didn't come from that bush.
1907
01:13:56,165 --> 01:13:57,872
I came from Mom's bush.
And you know that.
1908
01:13:58,033 --> 01:13:59,478
Jeanie! Oh, my God!
1909
01:13:59,968 --> 01:14:01,345
You're completely naked!
1910
01:14:01,503 --> 01:14:03,847
- Hi, Becky!
- God, your bush is huge.
1911
01:14:04,006 --> 01:14:05,713
- You look tall.
- No, ma'am.
1912
01:14:05,874 --> 01:14:08,286
I told you to stay away
from these bitches.
1913
01:14:08,544 --> 01:14:10,683
Alice, seriously, are you tripping?
1914
01:14:10,846 --> 01:14:11,847
No. God, no.
1915
01:14:11,914 --> 01:14:14,087
Why would say that?
Just because everything feels really soft?
1916
01:14:14,383 --> 01:14:15,987
Please. Just tell me the truth.
1917
01:14:16,151 --> 01:14:17,221
Are you on drugs?
1918
01:14:18,053 --> 01:14:19,498
We're super fucked up. Yeah.
1919
01:14:19,655 --> 01:14:20,690
What?
1920
01:14:20,756 --> 01:14:23,168
We started with ecstasy,
but then I went into my mystery bags.
1921
01:14:23,325 --> 01:14:24,702
Why the fuck would you do that?
1922
01:14:24,860 --> 01:14:26,100
Don't you judge me, David.
1923
01:14:26,161 --> 01:14:27,936
I don't think you're supposed to
go into the mystery bag...
1924
01:14:27,996 --> 01:14:29,066
the night before the wedding.
1925
01:14:29,231 --> 01:14:31,370
We brought you here
because we thought you were nice girls.
1926
01:14:31,533 --> 01:14:33,376
But Mike was right about you two.
1927
01:14:33,535 --> 01:14:35,776
This whole wedding weekend
is just going to shit!
1928
01:14:35,938 --> 01:14:37,747
Dave, I'll be honest with you.
1929
01:14:37,906 --> 01:14:39,044
I need some clothes.
1930
01:14:40,075 --> 01:14:41,554
I can't continue to wear this horse.
1931
01:14:41,710 --> 01:14:43,246
Oh, my God.
1932
01:14:43,779 --> 01:14:45,087
Oh, the wind feels so nice.
1933
01:14:45,247 --> 01:14:46,521
Come on, come on, come on.
1934
01:14:47,883 --> 01:14:50,193
(GASPS) We should go in the ocean.
1935
01:14:50,252 --> 01:14:52,391
I'm so thirsty! Dave,
we should get in the ocean.
1936
01:14:52,454 --> 01:14:55,628
(SHUSHING) Please, please, please,
just be quiet.
1937
01:14:55,691 --> 01:14:57,193
I love this song.
1938
01:14:57,259 --> 01:14:58,602
There's no music playing.
1939
01:14:59,728 --> 01:15:00,729
JEANIE: Baby, wait.
1940
01:15:00,896 --> 01:15:02,807
Don't worry. Only our butts touched.
1941
01:15:02,965 --> 01:15:04,911
Stop it. Don't freak out anymore, Pumpkin!
1942
01:15:05,067 --> 01:15:07,104
Don't freak out? Don't freak out?
1943
01:15:07,302 --> 01:15:08,645
Tell me one thing.
1944
01:15:08,871 --> 01:15:10,077
Did you enjoy it?
1945
01:15:10,639 --> 01:15:12,243
No.
1946
01:15:13,208 --> 01:15:14,619
That is such a "yes" no.
1947
01:15:14,676 --> 01:15:15,746
No.
1948
01:15:15,811 --> 01:15:18,223
I'm gonna ask you again.
Did you enjoy it?
1949
01:15:18,280 --> 01:15:19,281
Yes! Oh.
1950
01:15:19,348 --> 01:15:20,383
Well...
1951
01:15:20,649 --> 01:15:22,219
Cat's out of the frigging bag, isn't it?
1952
01:15:22,384 --> 01:15:24,295
JEANIE: I went for a normal massage...
1953
01:15:24,453 --> 01:15:26,490
but Alice, she had asked
for a little special treat.
1954
01:15:26,655 --> 01:15:28,566
And then it just kept coming,
and coming, and coming, and...
1955
01:15:28,724 --> 01:15:30,829
Who are these fucking girls
your brothers brought to this wedding?
1956
01:15:31,260 --> 01:15:33,797
You are clearly on drugs.
1957
01:15:33,962 --> 01:15:35,441
And we're getting married tomorrow!
1958
01:15:36,265 --> 01:15:38,108
I'm scared, Pumpkin.
1959
01:15:38,267 --> 01:15:39,507
Aren't you scared?
1960
01:15:39,668 --> 01:15:41,477
Well, yeah, now I am.
1961
01:15:42,004 --> 01:15:43,312
JEANIE: it's just that...
1962
01:15:44,006 --> 01:15:48,455
I'm just a little worried that you are...
1963
01:15:49,978 --> 01:15:50,979
boring.
1964
01:15:52,514 --> 01:15:53,857
What are you saying?
1965
01:15:54,016 --> 01:15:55,222
You don't want to marry me?
1966
01:15:56,652 --> 01:15:57,653
(CRYING)
1967
01:15:57,920 --> 01:15:59,160
(BOTH GASP)
1968
01:16:06,094 --> 01:16:07,368
Well...
1969
01:16:07,529 --> 01:16:09,133
No, she doesn't mean that.
She's just confused...
1970
01:16:09,298 --> 01:16:10,538
because she's just rolling
super hard right now.
1971
01:16:10,699 --> 01:16:11,803
You rolled her!
1972
01:16:11,967 --> 01:16:14,038
- You're the roller!
- I'm so sorry.
1973
01:16:14,202 --> 01:16:16,614
I was gonna draw Rum for you.
But not anymore.
1974
01:16:16,772 --> 01:16:18,752
(IN JAMAICAN ACCENT)
Everything is not irie, man!
1975
01:16:21,176 --> 01:16:23,782
You've made me so, so sad.
1976
01:16:26,348 --> 01:16:27,725
But a little bit mad.
1977
01:16:28,483 --> 01:16:29,894
But mostly just sad.
1978
01:16:30,886 --> 01:16:31,887
Oh!
1979
01:16:33,855 --> 01:16:35,163
- Dad!
- Don't!
1980
01:16:35,324 --> 01:16:36,735
Mike, for once in your life...
1981
01:16:36,892 --> 01:16:39,873
please don't say a fucking word.
1982
01:17:04,319 --> 01:17:06,094
I hate them sometimes.
1983
01:17:06,254 --> 01:17:07,528
Fucking love them and they're dicks.
1984
01:17:07,589 --> 01:17:09,330
Sometimes I love them,
sometimes I hate them.
1985
01:17:17,399 --> 01:17:18,400
Everything okay over there?
1986
01:17:18,567 --> 01:17:20,979
I can't find my other sock.
It's pissing me off.
1987
01:17:23,872 --> 01:17:25,613
Did you take my sock, bro?
1988
01:17:25,774 --> 01:17:26,844
No.
1989
01:17:27,342 --> 01:17:29,720
I think you took my fucking sock, bro.
1990
01:17:31,346 --> 01:17:32,416
God damn it.
1991
01:17:32,547 --> 01:17:34,652
I can't believe Jeanie and Eric
aren't getting married...
1992
01:17:34,783 --> 01:17:36,592
and it's all our fault.
1993
01:17:37,252 --> 01:17:40,233
It's slightly our fault.
1994
01:17:41,189 --> 01:17:43,135
It's totally our fault. Fuck.
1995
01:17:43,291 --> 01:17:45,635
We got selfish. We got distracted.
1996
01:17:47,229 --> 01:17:50,039
I don't think we were
#DoingltForJeanie at all.
1997
01:17:50,198 --> 01:17:52,075
We weren't #DoingltForJeanie.
1998
01:17:52,234 --> 01:17:55,078
Our fucking little sister.
Our little Jeanie Beanie Weanie.
1999
01:17:55,737 --> 01:17:57,614
She is Stanglita.
2000
01:17:57,773 --> 01:18:00,549
The one little girl
we used to let into our Stang Hangs.
2001
01:18:00,709 --> 01:18:01,710
The Stangle Dangle.
2002
01:18:01,777 --> 01:18:03,313
The smallest plane in the Stangar.
2003
01:18:03,478 --> 01:18:04,616
Don't do it, dude.
2004
01:18:04,780 --> 01:18:06,088
We're supposed to be her protector.
2005
01:18:06,248 --> 01:18:07,784
Don't you cry.
2006
01:18:07,949 --> 01:18:08,950
We're supposed to look out for her.
2007
01:18:09,117 --> 01:18:10,289
Stop it.
2008
01:18:10,452 --> 01:18:13,399
We're supposed to be the two dudes
that have her back no matter what.
2009
01:18:13,555 --> 01:18:15,000
If you start, I'm gonna start.
2010
01:18:15,157 --> 01:18:17,433
We broke up her marriage.
2011
01:18:20,228 --> 01:18:23,141
Of course I'm fucking doing it, man.
We ruined Jeanie's wedding.
2012
01:18:23,298 --> 01:18:24,743
I'm doing it, too.
2013
01:18:25,300 --> 01:18:26,677
-(BOTH CRYING)
- I hate it.
2014
01:18:27,235 --> 01:18:28,475
(BAWLING)
2015
01:18:39,347 --> 01:18:41,987
Oh, man, we fucked up this wedding.
2016
01:18:42,050 --> 01:18:43,051
Yeah.
2017
01:18:43,218 --> 01:18:45,391
We fucked it in the dick.
2018
01:18:45,654 --> 01:18:46,655
(GROANS)
2019
01:18:46,722 --> 01:18:48,395
You know I don't like it when you say that.
That's just...
2020
01:18:48,457 --> 01:18:51,165
I know, but we fucked it so hard. Fuck.
2021
01:18:51,259 --> 01:18:54,433
I think the reason we get ourselves
into so much shit is...
2022
01:18:54,496 --> 01:18:56,567
we're always telling each other
we're so awesome...
2023
01:18:56,832 --> 01:18:59,836
when we're definitely not being awesome.
2024
01:19:00,001 --> 01:19:01,309
That's deep.
2025
01:19:01,470 --> 01:19:03,279
Yeah, you know what? Um...
2026
01:19:04,873 --> 01:19:06,716
I wanted you to feel better...
2027
01:19:06,875 --> 01:19:09,048
and get your groove back...
2028
01:19:09,211 --> 01:19:12,351
but not all the way better to where...
2029
01:19:13,782 --> 01:19:15,784
you wouldn't need me anymore.
2030
01:19:15,951 --> 01:19:18,864
Because if you don't need me...
2031
01:19:20,355 --> 01:19:23,029
then nobody needs me, and, um...
2032
01:19:23,692 --> 01:19:26,969
Anyway, that's what I was thinking
when I was knuckles deep into Cousin Terry.
2033
01:19:27,629 --> 01:19:29,575
Dude, we're always
gonna need each other.
2034
01:19:30,198 --> 01:19:31,199
Okay.
2035
01:19:31,466 --> 01:19:32,843
Okay, here's the thing.
2036
01:19:33,802 --> 01:19:35,509
I don't wanna stop being us.
2037
01:19:35,670 --> 01:19:37,741
But I think occasionally...
2038
01:19:37,906 --> 01:19:42,150
we should think about
how we make other people feel.
2039
01:19:44,446 --> 01:19:45,447
Like Jeanie?
2040
01:19:45,514 --> 01:19:46,720
Yeah, like Jeanie.
2041
01:19:47,182 --> 01:19:48,889
- Oof.
- Or like Eric.
2042
01:19:49,351 --> 01:19:50,386
Oh, fuck.
2043
01:19:50,552 --> 01:19:52,190
This feels fucking terrible.
2044
01:19:52,354 --> 01:19:54,561
This does not feel good.
2045
01:19:54,756 --> 01:19:57,498
Like, Dave's so special and...
2046
01:19:58,226 --> 01:20:00,604
He must be so mad at me.
2047
01:20:01,029 --> 01:20:02,099
Poor Mike.
2048
01:20:02,264 --> 01:20:05,609
He's less special,
but I played him so hard.
2049
01:20:05,767 --> 01:20:07,212
They must be so mad at us!
2050
01:20:07,369 --> 01:20:09,576
They must hate us. Fuck!
I would hate us.
2051
01:20:09,738 --> 01:20:11,547
I would fucking hate us!
2052
01:20:11,706 --> 01:20:14,050
I hate us, man. I hate us!
2053
01:20:14,209 --> 01:20:15,347
I hate us, too!
2054
01:20:15,510 --> 01:20:17,217
But you're the best, dude. I love you.
2055
01:20:17,379 --> 01:20:19,723
Don't lump yourself in with me.
2056
01:20:19,881 --> 01:20:21,360
I'm like a little troll...
2057
01:20:21,516 --> 01:20:24,292
who lives on nothing but
river water and squirrel meats.
2058
01:20:24,452 --> 01:20:26,864
Your drawing?
I could never do anything like that.
2059
01:20:27,022 --> 01:20:29,229
- So go. You go right now.
- What?
2060
01:20:29,291 --> 01:20:30,361
Go!
2061
01:20:30,425 --> 01:20:33,804
Don't let your loser older brother
hold you back.
2062
01:20:37,265 --> 01:20:38,608
You are not a loser.
2063
01:20:39,434 --> 01:20:40,936
Thanks, Dave.
2064
01:20:41,102 --> 01:20:42,604
Dude, you introduced me
to the Ninja Turtles.
2065
01:20:42,771 --> 01:20:44,614
Taught me Donatello was a pussy.
2066
01:20:44,773 --> 01:20:46,650
That Raphael was actually dope...
2067
01:20:46,808 --> 01:20:48,788
because he didn't give a fuck
what people thought.
2068
01:20:48,944 --> 01:20:50,218
He's cool, but rude.
2069
01:20:50,378 --> 01:20:51,618
Exactly.
2070
01:20:51,713 --> 01:20:53,818
When all those kids kicked at me
and they called me "Moist"...
2071
01:20:53,915 --> 01:20:56,794
you stopped eating muffins
at the school lunch for a year.
2072
01:20:56,952 --> 01:20:58,625
They were too moist.
2073
01:20:59,754 --> 01:21:01,665
Made you an easy target.
2074
01:21:01,823 --> 01:21:05,327
You're my brother. And I love you.
2075
01:21:05,493 --> 01:21:07,063
Heroes in a half shell.
2076
01:21:07,229 --> 01:21:08,333
Turtle power.
2077
01:21:11,233 --> 01:21:12,234
(YELLS)
2078
01:21:13,401 --> 01:21:15,608
We're not going anywhere...
2079
01:21:15,770 --> 01:21:19,445
until our little sister,
Jeanie Beanie Weanie...
2080
01:21:19,608 --> 01:21:21,315
is getting married.
2081
01:21:22,244 --> 01:21:23,245
(YELLS)
2082
01:21:24,679 --> 01:21:25,680
(GASPS)
2083
01:21:27,015 --> 01:21:28,255
You just killed the TV.
2084
01:21:28,783 --> 01:21:30,524
I was aiming for it.
2085
01:21:32,988 --> 01:21:35,798
MIKE: We are such idiots. We are so stupid.
2086
01:21:35,957 --> 01:21:37,459
We ruined your whole wedding...
2087
01:21:37,626 --> 01:21:39,333
and we finally just realized that.
2088
01:21:39,494 --> 01:21:41,474
All right. Please just stop talking, okay?
2089
01:21:41,630 --> 01:21:44,804
Not another word. My head hurts so bad.
2090
01:21:44,966 --> 01:21:46,172
Jeanie, Eric.
2091
01:21:46,334 --> 01:21:49,042
We can't let you not get married
just because we fucked everything up.
2092
01:21:49,204 --> 01:21:50,342
DAVE: We love you so much, Jeanie.
2093
01:21:50,438 --> 01:21:52,509
We love you, Eric.
We just want you guys to love each other.
2094
01:21:52,607 --> 01:21:53,608
- Just love each other.
- That's it.
2095
01:21:53,675 --> 01:21:54,676
-(DOOR OPENS)
-(GASPS)
2096
01:21:55,677 --> 01:21:56,951
Jeanie, Eric.
2097
01:21:57,112 --> 01:21:58,614
We can't let you not get married.
2098
01:21:58,780 --> 01:22:00,384
ALICE: Yeah. Just because
we fucked everything up?
2099
01:22:00,548 --> 01:22:01,993
I mean, we want you guys
to love each other.
2100
01:22:02,150 --> 01:22:03,151
Love each other.
2101
01:22:04,319 --> 01:22:07,198
Okay. This is bizarre,
because we literally did that...
2102
01:22:07,355 --> 01:22:08,732
BOTH: ...exact same thing.
2103
01:22:08,890 --> 01:22:10,528
We're even doing this hand motion.
2104
01:22:10,692 --> 01:22:11,864
Yeah, all that was ours.
2105
01:22:12,027 --> 01:22:14,064
The point is,
this shit is all our fault.
2106
01:22:14,229 --> 01:22:15,867
No, it's our fault.
2107
01:22:16,031 --> 01:22:17,704
No, it's definitely our fault.
2108
01:22:17,866 --> 01:22:18,970
It is our fault for sure.
2109
01:22:19,134 --> 01:22:20,135
No, no, no. For real.
2110
01:22:20,302 --> 01:22:21,747
If anything, it's my fault.
2111
01:22:21,836 --> 01:22:23,179
(ALL ARGUING)
2112
01:22:23,471 --> 01:22:25,075
Shh! Please stop.
2113
01:22:27,342 --> 01:22:31,449
Everyone shut the fuck up!
2114
01:22:32,113 --> 01:22:34,457
Jesus Hussein Christ.
2115
01:22:34,616 --> 01:22:36,562
God damn it!
2116
01:22:36,685 --> 01:22:38,961
Been trying to read this same paragraph...
2117
01:22:39,187 --> 01:22:40,495
for 20 minutes.
2118
01:22:40,555 --> 01:22:45,095
But you four fucking morons
keep on fucking with my shit.
2119
01:22:45,794 --> 01:22:47,432
We've only been here
for three minutes...
2120
01:22:47,495 --> 01:22:48,701
so those other 17 minutes...
2121
01:22:48,763 --> 01:22:49,969
-that's kind of on you...
- Mike!
2122
01:22:50,031 --> 01:22:51,305
I'm using hyperbole.
2123
01:22:51,366 --> 01:22:54,210
I don't know what that means,
and I think you know that I don't.
2124
01:22:54,336 --> 01:22:56,338
Mike, do me a favor. Shut the fuck up.
2125
01:22:56,404 --> 01:22:57,405
Go Eric.
2126
01:22:57,472 --> 01:22:58,542
Shut up too!
2127
01:22:58,606 --> 01:22:59,880
I mean, God damn it!
2128
01:23:00,041 --> 01:23:03,181
You're all self-absorbed,
barely-functioning...
2129
01:23:03,745 --> 01:23:04,985
codependent weirdos!
2130
01:23:06,147 --> 01:23:07,455
- Yeah.
- I know.
2131
01:23:07,549 --> 01:23:09,654
MIKE: That's pretty spot-on.
ALICE: We just figured that out.
2132
01:23:09,818 --> 01:23:12,594
- Those are not good qualities.
- We're gonna work on it.
2133
01:23:12,654 --> 01:23:14,656
- It's been a long time.
-It's been so many years.
2134
01:23:14,723 --> 01:23:16,327
We're both very confused.
2135
01:23:16,424 --> 01:23:18,529
ALICE: No, no. You're not confused.
2136
01:23:18,626 --> 01:23:20,765
You're just coming down off MDMA.
2137
01:23:20,829 --> 01:23:22,308
Sorry. Which I gave you.
2138
01:23:22,464 --> 01:23:25,138
And Eric, you can't blame her
for anything she said last night.
2139
01:23:25,300 --> 01:23:28,076
I've done so much stupid shit on E.
2140
01:23:28,236 --> 01:23:30,807
I got so dehydrated that
I was drinking puddle water...
2141
01:23:30,972 --> 01:23:32,144
and I had to go to the hospital...
2142
01:23:32,307 --> 01:23:34,913
'cause puddles are really dirty.
2143
01:23:35,110 --> 01:23:36,589
DAVE: One time I was on peyote...
2144
01:23:36,644 --> 01:23:38,920
and I signed up for a T-Mobile plan.
2145
01:23:38,980 --> 01:23:40,755
TATIANA: One time I got high.
2146
01:23:40,815 --> 01:23:43,318
I read the back of a shampoo bottle
for 13 hours.
2147
01:23:44,352 --> 01:23:45,524
Because it said "repeat."
2148
01:23:45,587 --> 01:23:47,123
- Rinse and repeat.
- I get it.
2149
01:23:47,222 --> 01:23:50,260
Jeanie, I know you think
that Eric can be boring...
2150
01:23:50,525 --> 01:23:53,131
Enough of this talk of boring!
2151
01:23:53,661 --> 01:23:54,731
Damn it!
2152
01:23:54,796 --> 01:23:59,006
Sixty percent of my investments
are in some pretty aggressive stocks.
2153
01:23:59,134 --> 01:24:02,513
I don't always look both ways
when I cross the street.
2154
01:24:02,670 --> 01:24:05,674
I've been known to have
a second glass of wine...
2155
01:24:05,740 --> 01:24:07,583
with my dinner, every now and then.
2156
01:24:07,642 --> 01:24:09,315
I once went to see a movie...
2157
01:24:09,377 --> 01:24:11,880
walked across the hallway,
saw a second movie.
2158
01:24:11,946 --> 01:24:13,254
Didn't pay till after.
2159
01:24:13,448 --> 01:24:14,620
Is that boring?
2160
01:24:15,116 --> 01:24:16,117
Is that boring?
2161
01:24:16,184 --> 01:24:17,356
- What'd you say?
- Yeah.
2162
01:24:17,419 --> 01:24:18,955
- You're right. We were wrong.
- That was pretty boring.
2163
01:24:19,387 --> 01:24:20,627
Well, how about this for boring?
2164
01:24:22,490 --> 01:24:24,231
- Barrl!
'{GASPS}
2165
01:24:24,325 --> 01:24:25,998
Two hot air balloon tickets
for our honeymoon.
2166
01:24:26,061 --> 01:24:27,062
(EXCLAIMS)
2167
01:24:27,128 --> 01:24:28,402
I know you really wanted to go...
2168
01:24:28,463 --> 01:24:31,342
so I got these tickets a while ago
to surprise you.
2169
01:24:31,699 --> 01:24:33,542
Surprise.
2170
01:24:33,701 --> 01:24:35,806
ALL: Aww!
2171
01:24:36,037 --> 01:24:37,539
Baby, you're so afraid of heights.
2172
01:24:38,173 --> 01:24:40,619
- Baby, I'm fucking terrified of heights.
- Yeah.
2173
01:24:41,042 --> 01:24:43,181
But my biggest fear...
2174
01:24:43,244 --> 01:24:45,383
is to not be the husband
that you deserve.
2175
01:24:46,681 --> 01:24:49,560
JEANIE: Baby, I'm sorry
I fucked so much of this up...
2176
01:24:50,251 --> 01:24:51,389
but I promise that masseuse...
2177
01:24:51,453 --> 01:24:53,455
He didn't touch my lavender juice box.
2178
01:24:53,521 --> 01:24:55,364
Oh God, baby. I love you.
2179
01:24:55,924 --> 01:24:57,665
And I know I want to marry you.
2180
01:24:57,992 --> 01:25:00,905
Today, if you'll still have me.
2181
01:25:01,396 --> 01:25:03,842
Babe, of course. Are you kidding me?
2182
01:25:07,302 --> 01:25:08,303
Kiss her.
2183
01:25:08,369 --> 01:25:10,212
Baby, I'm crazy about you.
2184
01:25:22,684 --> 01:25:23,685
BOTH: Aww!
2185
01:25:24,419 --> 01:25:25,921
I want to marry you right now...
2186
01:25:26,087 --> 01:25:28,033
but, baby, we already canceled
all the vendors.
2187
01:25:28,523 --> 01:25:30,264
I don't think they're going to
let us get married here.
2188
01:25:31,826 --> 01:25:32,896
Leave that to us.
2189
01:25:32,961 --> 01:25:34,031
Fl BELIEVE III! A THING
CALLED LOVEPLAYING)
2190
01:25:34,362 --> 01:25:36,000
Leave that to all of us.
2191
01:25:37,332 --> 01:25:38,470
- Yeah!
- Let's go, Mike.
2192
01:25:39,100 --> 01:25:40,670
This way! Oh, fuck!
2193
01:25:41,102 --> 01:25:42,581
We'll actually just head around.
2194
01:25:42,837 --> 01:25:44,316
- Girl.
- I'm good.
2195
01:25:44,606 --> 01:25:46,085
So what part you like, brah?
2196
01:25:46,141 --> 01:25:48,314
- We need the whole pig.
- I can't give you a whole pig.
2197
01:25:48,376 --> 01:25:49,912
But we need to feed 100 people.
2198
01:25:50,378 --> 01:25:53,222
Could we please, please
have the wedding here?
2199
01:25:53,281 --> 01:25:55,318
For the last time, we're out of venues.
2200
01:25:55,450 --> 01:25:57,794
- Hold me back. Hold me back, please.
- What?
2201
01:25:58,052 --> 01:25:59,087
Give us a place!
2202
01:25:59,154 --> 01:26:00,929
Everybody out of the way!
2203
01:26:01,122 --> 01:26:02,795
It's hot. So hot!
2204
01:26:02,857 --> 01:26:04,359
- Out of the fucking way!
- I want my pig back!
2205
01:26:05,126 --> 01:26:06,935
What if I supplied all the liquor...
2206
01:26:06,995 --> 01:26:08,997
for every bar in this hotel...
2207
01:26:09,063 --> 01:26:11,669
at wholesale prices
for the next three years?
2208
01:26:11,733 --> 01:26:13,610
- Deal.
- Yes! Fuck yes!
2209
01:26:13,801 --> 01:26:15,075
I'll get you guys a venue.
2210
01:26:17,305 --> 01:26:18,306
(GRUNTS)
2211
01:26:23,545 --> 01:26:24,546
Ahh!
2212
01:26:26,281 --> 01:26:27,282
(BECKY GRUNTING)
2213
01:26:29,050 --> 01:26:30,051
BECKY: Keith, get it together.
2214
01:26:30,385 --> 01:26:31,557
We need to move, move, move.
2215
01:26:31,786 --> 01:26:32,856
I'm doing my best.
2216
01:26:36,524 --> 01:26:37,628
Hell yeah!
2217
01:26:40,228 --> 01:26:42,139
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
2218
01:26:55,577 --> 01:26:56,578
DAVE: And now...
2219
01:26:56,811 --> 01:26:58,154
a reading...
2220
01:26:58,813 --> 01:27:00,952
from the children's book
that I got in the lobby.
2221
01:27:01,249 --> 01:27:02,887
- Oh.
-"Aloha moon.
2222
01:27:03,284 --> 01:27:04,957
"Aloha sea.
2223
01:27:05,119 --> 01:27:06,496
"Aloha you.
2224
01:27:07,121 --> 01:27:08,191
"Aloha me."
2225
01:27:08,489 --> 01:27:10,059
- I do.
- I do.
2226
01:27:10,258 --> 01:27:11,601
MIKE: By the power vested in me...
2227
01:27:11,793 --> 01:27:15,331
by the website
www.beyourowndeacon.com...
2228
01:27:16,264 --> 01:27:19,507
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
2229
01:27:19,801 --> 01:27:21,610
Those assholes kind of did it.
2230
01:27:21,669 --> 01:27:23,080
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
2231
01:27:23,404 --> 01:27:25,077
Those assholes kind of did.
2232
01:27:25,240 --> 01:27:26,446
You may kiss the bride.
2233
01:27:26,507 --> 01:27:28,043
MIKE: Okay. Kiss the bride.
2234
01:27:28,109 --> 01:27:29,247
Kiss the bride.
2235
01:27:29,410 --> 01:27:30,855
(ALL CHEERING)
2236
01:27:31,779 --> 01:27:32,780
Uh-huh.
2237
01:27:34,249 --> 01:27:35,250
(LAUGHS)
2238
01:27:35,316 --> 01:27:36,317
(LAUGHING)
2239
01:27:36,584 --> 01:27:37,585
Yaw.!
2240
01:27:39,821 --> 01:27:41,323
(PLAYING HAWAIIAN MUSIC)
2241
01:27:49,998 --> 01:27:51,636
MIKE: You designed this?
TATIANA: Yeah.
2242
01:27:51,699 --> 01:27:54,111
Insane. We're at a wedding,
it's in the shape of a heart.
2243
01:27:54,168 --> 01:27:55,738
That was a really good idea.
2244
01:27:55,803 --> 01:27:57,339
I have so many good ideas.
2245
01:27:57,605 --> 01:28:00,279
At my last job, I was on fire with ideas.
2246
01:28:00,375 --> 01:28:02,548
Huh? Actually, I need a new partner...
2247
01:28:02,877 --> 01:28:06,086
because Dave is bailing on me
to draw things.
2248
01:28:06,547 --> 01:28:08,049
Would you wanna...
2249
01:28:08,283 --> 01:28:09,728
maybe come work for me?
2250
01:28:10,051 --> 01:28:11,052
Really?
2251
01:28:11,319 --> 01:28:12,730
What do you know about liquor?
2252
01:28:13,187 --> 01:28:16,031
Um, only that it's delicious and I love it.
2253
01:28:16,157 --> 01:28:17,932
And those are
the two things you need to know.
2254
01:28:17,992 --> 01:28:19,403
You are hired. (LAUGHS)
2255
01:28:19,460 --> 01:28:21,269
Great. When do I start?
2256
01:28:21,462 --> 01:28:22,702
You can start right away...
2257
01:28:23,164 --> 01:28:25,610
but just know that there will be
some late nights.
2258
01:28:25,700 --> 01:28:27,373
Keep it in your pants, okay?
2259
01:28:27,735 --> 01:28:29,237
If we're going to work together,
let's just...
2260
01:28:29,671 --> 01:28:31,207
keep it professional.
2261
01:28:31,806 --> 01:28:32,876
Okay.
2262
01:28:33,007 --> 01:28:35,283
- We'll keep it professional, then.
- Good.
2263
01:28:35,343 --> 01:28:36,344
- All right.
- Good.
2264
01:28:36,411 --> 01:28:37,446
.0kaV-
.0kaV-
2265
01:28:37,512 --> 01:28:38,513
- Okay.
- Yeah.
2266
01:28:38,579 --> 01:28:40,058
- Are you sure?
- I don't know.
2267
01:28:41,482 --> 01:28:42,586
What?
2268
01:28:44,218 --> 01:28:45,697
- What'd you say?
- What?
2269
01:28:46,220 --> 01:28:48,393
(SINGING) Love me tender
2270
01:28:49,057 --> 01:28:50,900
Love me sweet
2271
01:28:52,894 --> 01:28:54,305
Never let me go
2272
01:28:58,399 --> 01:29:02,472
You have made my life complete
2273
01:29:06,574 --> 01:29:07,575
I don't.
2274
01:29:10,812 --> 01:29:12,621
Love me tender
2275
01:29:13,481 --> 01:29:15,085
Love me true
2276
01:29:17,118 --> 01:29:19,997
All my dreams fulfilled
2277
01:29:22,890 --> 01:29:23,891
(LAUGHING)
2278
01:29:23,958 --> 01:29:27,269
For my darlin' I love you
2279
01:29:27,562 --> 01:29:29,371
Tatiana said this was gonna happen.
2280
01:29:29,630 --> 01:29:30,734
You got my groove back.
2281
01:29:30,798 --> 01:29:31,833
Really?
2282
01:29:31,899 --> 01:29:33,708
That's the sweetest thing
anyone's ever said to me.
2283
01:29:34,469 --> 01:29:35,470
(LAUGHS)
2284
01:29:38,840 --> 01:29:39,841
(swans)
2285
01:29:40,708 --> 01:29:41,778
I like you.
2286
01:29:43,378 --> 01:29:44,618
(DAVE MOANING)
2287
01:29:48,950 --> 01:29:50,327
Wait. There's people everywhere.
2288
01:29:50,385 --> 01:29:52,456
- Let them watch.
- Mmm. Okay.
2289
01:29:54,789 --> 01:29:55,824
Whoa!
2290
01:29:56,357 --> 01:29:58,098
Hi, everyone.
2291
01:29:58,159 --> 01:30:00,571
Excuse us. Could we have
your attention, please?
2292
01:30:01,963 --> 01:30:04,102
My husband and I...
2293
01:30:04,165 --> 01:30:07,908
want to thank
four very incredible people...
2294
01:30:07,969 --> 01:30:09,744
for saving the day.
2295
01:30:10,037 --> 01:30:13,416
Mike and Da ve ha ve asked
to say a few words...
2296
01:30:13,674 --> 01:30:15,483
so we would like to invite them up.
2297
01:30:15,543 --> 01:30:16,578
Come on, boys.
2298
01:30:18,346 --> 01:30:19,347
Thank you, Jeanie.
2299
01:30:19,981 --> 01:30:23,053
We never got to give our speech
at the rehearsal dinner.
2300
01:30:23,117 --> 01:30:25,495
Because we ruined it. With fights.
2301
01:30:26,320 --> 01:30:27,856
But we just wanted
everybody here to know...
2302
01:30:28,356 --> 01:30:29,858
exactly how we feel about you.
2303
01:30:30,324 --> 01:30:31,359
MIKE: Lights.
2304
01:30:33,928 --> 01:30:34,929
(WHISPERING) You gotta get
bigger and bigger.
2305
01:30:36,230 --> 01:30:37,436
Did you know this was coming?
2306
01:30:37,498 --> 01:30:38,499
(SHUSHING)
2307
01:30:39,367 --> 01:30:40,869
(YOUAHE So BEA UTIFUL PLAYING)
2308
01:30:48,376 --> 01:30:52,847
You are so beautiful
2309
01:30:53,347 --> 01:30:55,793
So beautiful
2310
01:30:56,117 --> 01:30:57,118
Aww.
2311
01:30:59,053 --> 01:31:00,191
To me
2312
01:31:00,254 --> 01:31:01,358
BOTH: Aww.
2313
01:31:02,423 --> 01:31:04,198
Can't you see?
2314
01:31:04,258 --> 01:31:05,965
You 're so beautiful
2315
01:31:06,360 --> 01:31:07,930
This is real beautiful, man.
2316
01:31:08,229 --> 01:31:12,473
You're everything I hoped for
2317
01:31:12,867 --> 01:31:15,143
- In a little sister!
- Oh!
2318
01:31:15,203 --> 01:31:18,980
You're everything I need
2319
01:31:19,040 --> 01:31:22,112
Everything that I need
2320
01:31:23,177 --> 01:31:24,588
They're kind of good. (CHUCKLES)
2321
01:31:24,679 --> 01:31:26,454
You are so beautiful
2322
01:31:27,081 --> 01:31:28,355
As a couple. Right guys?
2323
01:31:29,016 --> 01:31:30,222
BOTH: Oh!
2324
01:31:30,418 --> 01:31:31,488
To me
2325
01:31:32,920 --> 01:31:34,524
And to you.
2326
01:31:34,989 --> 01:31:36,525
And to you. To all of us.
2327
01:31:36,624 --> 01:31:38,103
You 're beautiful, Jeanie!
2328
01:31:39,494 --> 01:31:40,598
BOTH: Oh!
2329
01:31:40,895 --> 01:31:41,965
(CRYING)
2330
01:31:42,263 --> 01:31:43,742
- Da ve, everybody.
-(APPLAUSE)
2331
01:31:44,265 --> 01:31:45,801
He's gonna draw!
2332
01:31:46,133 --> 01:31:47,373
Love you!
2333
01:31:48,669 --> 01:31:49,773
So sweet.
2334
01:31:50,037 --> 01:31:51,675
Thought they were gonna blow it.
They did not.
2335
01:31:51,739 --> 01:31:52,740
That's good.
2336
01:31:53,107 --> 01:31:55,781
(SINGING) This is haw we do it
2337
01:31:57,745 --> 01:31:59,418
This is how we do it
2338
01:32:02,450 --> 01:32:04,623
This is how we do it
2339
01:32:04,952 --> 01:32:06,863
This is how we do it
2340
01:32:07,054 --> 01:32:08,499
It's Friday night
2341
01:32:08,556 --> 01:32:09,557
-(GRUNTS)
- Oh, you don't throw...
2342
01:32:09,657 --> 01:32:10,863
And I feel all right
2343
01:32:11,592 --> 01:32:13,936
The party's here on the west side
2344
01:32:13,995 --> 01:32:16,475
So I reach for my forty and I turn it up
2345
01:32:16,531 --> 01:32:18,738
Designated driver got the keys to my truck
2346
01:32:18,833 --> 01:32:20,972
- Hit the shore 'cause I'm faded
-Faded
2347
01:32:21,068 --> 01:32:22,069
Honey on the streets saying
2348
01:32:22,136 --> 01:32:23,240
Monty, yo, we made it
2349
01:32:23,404 --> 01:32:25,543
I'm kinda buzzed and it's all because
2350
01:32:25,606 --> 01:32:27,449
This is how we do it
2351
01:32:27,542 --> 01:32:30,045
South Central does it like nobody does
2352
01:32:30,278 --> 01:32:31,814
This is how we do it
2353
01:32:31,879 --> 01:32:32,880
(LAUGHS) All right.
2354
01:32:32,947 --> 01:32:34,324
To all my neighbors, you got much flavor
2355
01:32:34,849 --> 01:32:37,159
This is how we do it
2356
01:32:37,385 --> 01:32:40,662
#StangleBenoit2016.
2357
01:32:41,489 --> 01:32:43,366
MAN: Hell yeah! Fo sho!
2358
01:32:44,425 --> 01:32:45,699
DAVE: Oh, God!
2359
01:32:46,093 --> 01:32:47,128
Well...
2360
01:32:47,361 --> 01:32:48,396
(PANTING)
2361
01:32:48,462 --> 01:32:50,066
I picked a bad pose, guys.
2362
01:32:50,565 --> 01:32:51,600
Fireworks!
2363
01:32:52,667 --> 01:32:54,271
These are for you, Jeanie!
2364
01:32:55,436 --> 01:32:57,382
-(ALL GASPING)
- Fireworks close the show!
2365
01:32:59,440 --> 01:33:01,215
Those are from China, those fireworks.
2366
01:33:01,842 --> 01:33:02,843
(ALL SCREAMING)
2367
01:33:03,411 --> 01:33:05,015
(THEBOYS AHEBA CKIIV TOWIVPLAYING)
2368
01:33:15,957 --> 01:33:18,267
You idiots! You fucking...
2369
01:33:24,865 --> 01:33:26,071
(WHINNYING)
2370
01:33:26,767 --> 01:33:28,747
(MIKE AND TATIANA MOANING)
2371
01:33:31,105 --> 01:33:32,607
This is cool.
2372
01:33:32,673 --> 01:33:34,209
I didn't know you could do it this way.
2373
01:33:34,342 --> 01:33:35,685
-(MOANS LOUDLY)
- Oh...
2374
01:33:38,479 --> 01:33:39,549
I'm done.
2375
01:33:39,614 --> 01:33:41,287
Fuck. Holy shit.
2376
01:33:41,349 --> 01:33:42,384
Okay.
2377
01:33:42,450 --> 01:33:43,952
That was great. Good job.
2378
01:33:47,588 --> 01:33:49,329
(HORSE WHINNYING)
2379
01:33:52,627 --> 01:33:53,867
(DA 111G D1GG1TY DA 111G P LAYI N G 1
2380
01:33:54,161 --> 01:33:55,162
Whoa!
2381
01:33:56,263 --> 01:33:57,435
(CREW LAUGHING)
2382
01:33:58,265 --> 01:34:00,006
I'm so behind right now
on Game of Thrones.
2383
01:34:00,067 --> 01:34:03,514
I don't even know what's happening
with Khaleesi and her Dothraki boyfriend.
2384
01:34:03,571 --> 01:34:06,415
Okay. Well he's dead,
and so is Jon Snow.
2385
01:34:06,507 --> 01:34:07,645
Jon Snow?
2386
01:34:07,708 --> 01:34:09,585
Fuck that dude.
I'm taller than him anyways.
2387
01:34:09,710 --> 01:34:11,189
- Saw him.
-(LAUGHING)
2388
01:34:11,946 --> 01:34:15,359
I just found out some spelunker
went dunkin' in your bunker.
2389
01:34:15,416 --> 01:34:16,861
(ALL LAUGHING)
2390
01:34:16,951 --> 01:34:20,125
You are fresh as a fucking dick
in the morning.
2391
01:34:20,187 --> 01:34:21,689
That's not that fresh.
2392
01:34:21,756 --> 01:34:24,168
Have you ever sucked a dick
in the morning? (LAUGHS)
2393
01:34:24,592 --> 01:34:26,833
I brush my teeth with dick, girl.
2394
01:34:27,094 --> 01:34:28,095
Alright...
2395
01:34:28,162 --> 01:34:29,470
Alright...Okay
2396
01:34:29,563 --> 01:34:30,735
What?
Oh. Fox don't like that joke?
2397
01:34:30,798 --> 01:34:32,038
(ALL LAUGHING)
2398
01:34:32,833 --> 01:34:35,040
I'm gonna throw up.
You look like meat!
2399
01:34:35,136 --> 01:34:36,615
Inner dialogue, inner dialogue.
2400
01:34:36,737 --> 01:34:38,273
I once got lockjaw so bad
2401
01:34:38,339 --> 01:34:40,012
that I was
sucking a homeless man's thumb.
2402
01:34:40,107 --> 01:34:41,643
Dave actually had to
come get me from the hospital...
2403
01:34:41,709 --> 01:34:45,521
because they iound 13 Pokemon pugs
and a skimmer...
2404
01:34:45,579 --> 01:34:46,956
shoved up my butthole.
2405
01:34:47,148 --> 01:34:49,492
I just had to wait to poop them out.
2406
01:34:50,151 --> 01:34:51,755
Pikachu.
2407
01:34:52,319 --> 01:34:53,525
Pikachu.
2408
01:34:54,188 --> 01:34:55,394
Charmander.
2409
01:34:55,756 --> 01:34:58,635
That's okay. No, no. Keep your dick in.
2410
01:34:58,759 --> 01:35:00,864
(CREW LAUGHING)
2411
01:35:01,362 --> 01:35:03,672
For most of my life,
I thought goat cheese...
2412
01:35:03,731 --> 01:35:06,769
was a slang term
for cheese that's gone bad.
2413
01:35:06,867 --> 01:35:10,144
I'd see moldy cheese and I'd be, like,
"Dude, that cheese is goat."
2414
01:35:10,204 --> 01:35:12,013
Like, "Get that goat cheese
off the counter."
2415
01:35:12,239 --> 01:35:14,810
You look like a deconstructed taco.
2416
01:35:14,875 --> 01:35:15,910
Like carnival food.
2417
01:35:16,043 --> 01:35:19,024
Like the waffle that the chef would just go,
"We're throwing that away."
2418
01:35:19,146 --> 01:35:20,853
What are we doing?
2419
01:35:21,015 --> 01:35:22,688
(ALL LAUGHING)
2420
01:35:24,285 --> 01:35:26,595
(MIKE BAWLING)
2421
01:35:43,504 --> 01:35:46,348
And the home
2422
01:35:47,908 --> 01:35:50,980
Of the
2423
01:35:52,913 --> 01:35:55,985
Bra ve
2424
01:35:58,486 --> 01:35:59,931
Play ball, Mike.
2425
01:36:01,455 --> 01:36:03,696
(BOTH LAUGHING)
2426
01:36:03,758 --> 01:36:05,829
(STA/VG LIFEPLAYING)
2427
01:36:05,893 --> 01:36:08,032
MIKE: {RAPPING}
You know we saw my nigga
2428
01:36:08,095 --> 01:36:10,575
DAVE: Mike and me forever
It's the Stang life, bitch
2429
01:36:10,631 --> 01:36:13,237
Stang life, getting rich
Selling fucking liquor quick
2430
01:36:13,300 --> 01:36:15,576
Mike and me forever
It's the Stang life, bitch
2431
01:36:15,669 --> 01:36:18,650
Stang life
I will never die I'm a Stangle, bitch
2432
01:36:18,706 --> 01:36:21,346
Hunchback of Notre D
On the B
2433
01:36:21,408 --> 01:36:24,480
Flying fucking girls
to my sister's wedding at the beach
2434
01:36:24,545 --> 01:36:28,288
Now we in first class seats
Couldn't hold me back, G
2435
01:36:28,749 --> 01:36:33,129
Jeanie Stangie being wild
Sippin' Cristal, sippin', sippin' Cris ta!
2436
01:36:33,187 --> 01:36:34,291
Sippin ', sippin' Cristal
2437
01:36:34,355 --> 01:36:36,164
Jeanie, Jeanie, Jeanie Beanie Weanie
2438
01:36:36,290 --> 01:36:39,294
Gettin ' married with Eric
Guaranteed he's got a big, big weenie
2439
01:36:39,360 --> 01:36:42,671
I'm proud of m y little sister
Proud that she got a wedding ring
2440
01:36:42,730 --> 01:36:46,200
And a necklace, Eric you're my brother now
So that means I'm kinda black
2441
01:36:46,267 --> 01:36:48,076
Oh, wait. Not really.
I'm white, man.
2442
01:36:48,169 --> 01:36:49,842
I'm just happy to be
related to you, honestly.
2443
01:36:49,904 --> 01:36:51,144
- Shout out to Eric.
- Eric!
2444
01:36:51,205 --> 01:36:53,549
I be like Superman, let me out the cage
2445
01:36:53,607 --> 01:36:55,848
I got out of my cast
and I flipped the page
2446
01:36:55,910 --> 01:36:58,516
And now I'm drawing comic books
like I used to do
2447
01:36:58,579 --> 01:37:02,026
Kinda cool,
Little sister Jeanie getting married too
2448
01:37:02,082 --> 01:37:04,426
Mike and Dave forever
It's the Stang life, bitch
2449
01:37:04,485 --> 01:37:07,056
Stan g life, getting rich,
selling fucking liquor quick
2450
01:37:07,121 --> 01:37:09,533
Mike, Mike and Dave forever
It's the Stang life, bitch
2451
01:37:09,590 --> 01:37:12,400
Stan g life
I will never die, I'm a Stangle, bitch
2452
01:37:12,459 --> 01:37:14,496
Yeah, we put the wedding back together
2453
01:37:14,562 --> 01:37:17,236
First we broke it up
but we made it better
2454
01:37:17,798 --> 01:37:20,438
Nobody makes fun of me in any way
2455
01:37:20,501 --> 01:37:23,482
'Cause I got Mike by my side,
and you know what he say
2456
01:37:23,637 --> 01:37:26,083
Scoliosis, now I'm fucking yo bitch
2457
01:37:26,140 --> 01:37:28,711
Scoliosis, now I'm fuckin' two chicks
2458
01:37:28,776 --> 01:37:31,188
Scoliosis, vroom vroom vroom
2459
01:37:31,245 --> 01:37:33,418
Comin' through the jungle at you like boom
2460
01:37:33,480 --> 01:37:36,051
Mike and Dave Stangle on the ATV
2461
01:37:36,116 --> 01:37:38,653
MIKE: We're gonna die
DAVE: It's my girls andme
2462
01:37:38,719 --> 01:37:40,665
My crew and us, we just cruisin'
2463
01:37:40,821 --> 01:37:43,859
Doin' fuckin' ba ckflips off jumps
Guaranteed
2464
01:37:43,924 --> 01:37:45,597
Ran over my sister's face
2465
01:37:45,759 --> 01:37:47,067
DAVE: It was kinda wack
MIKE: Mybad
2466
01:37:47,228 --> 01:37:49,367
DAVE: But you know what?
We came back from that
2467
01:37:49,430 --> 01:37:51,637
You're getting married now
And it's okay
2468
01:37:51,699 --> 01:37:54,373
You're soiurassic, you're so fantastic
2469
01:37:54,435 --> 01:37:56,540
Mike and Dave forever
It's the Stang life, bitch
2470
01:37:56,604 --> 01:37:59,141
Stan g life, getting rich,
selling fucking liquor quick
2471
01:37:59,206 --> 01:38:01,743
Mike, Mike and Dave forever
It's the Stang life, bitch
2472
01:38:01,809 --> 01:38:03,584
Stan g life
I will never die
2473
01:38:03,677 --> 01:38:05,020
I'm a Stangle, bitch
2474
01:38:05,079 --> 01:38:07,116
M IKE: My boy Da ve, puttin 'pen to paper
2475
01:38:08,282 --> 01:38:10,319
Trying to get this damn label off
2476
01:38:11,018 --> 01:38:12,361
Like Aftermath?
2477
01:38:13,053 --> 01:38:15,055
Vanilla Ice remodeled my house
2478
01:38:15,256 --> 01:38:17,702
Told Dave and I we should start rappin'
2479
01:38:17,758 --> 01:38:20,762
My brother's the best white rapper
IBLEEP) Eminem!