1 00:00:12,300 --> 00:00:15,902 The Creative Union of Comedy and Musical Films 2 00:00:17,103 --> 00:00:19,504 Presents 3 00:00:20,704 --> 00:00:28,028 Kin Dza Dza 4 00:00:41,676 --> 00:00:46,880 Screenplay Revaz Gabriadze Giorgi Danelia 5 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:51,642 Director Giorgi Danelia 6 00:00:52,082 --> 00:00:56,443 Cinematography Paval Lebeshev 7 00:00:56,885 --> 00:01:02,047 Design Aleksandr Samulekin Theodor Tezik 8 00:01:02,488 --> 00:01:06,451 Composer Gia Kancheli 9 00:01:06,890 --> 00:01:10,853 Sound Yekaterina Popova 10 00:01:11,293 --> 00:01:15,655 Assistant Director Sergei Skripka 11 00:01:16,095 --> 00:01:20,058 Operators L. Bits K. Gevorkyan U. Yakovlev 12 00:01:38,628 --> 00:01:46,133 English translation by Andy Hurwitz www.musicinrussia.com 13 00:02:12,176 --> 00:02:13,117 Hi 14 00:02:13,356 --> 00:02:14,418 Hi 15 00:02:16,239 --> 00:02:17,419 what's new? 16 00:02:17,719 --> 00:02:20,612 Manohin had a pipe burst at the factory 17 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:56,942 How's the star schoolboy? 18 00:02:57,532 --> 00:02:59,132 He's out playing... 19 00:02:59,192 --> 00:03:03,135 Vovka, pop out for some bread - I forgot it, can you? 20 00:03:06,206 --> 00:03:08,038 And I don't think there's enough macaroni 21 00:03:23,136 --> 00:03:27,449 Comrade, that man says he's from another planet; we need to do something. 22 00:03:27,858 --> 00:03:29,209 Call 03 23 00:03:29,509 --> 00:03:32,461 I will call but he's barefoot - he'll catch cold 24 00:03:37,354 --> 00:03:38,355 Hello! 25 00:03:38,355 --> 00:03:44,317 Hello. Excuse my bad smell. I'm cold. I found this in an iron bin. 26 00:03:44,488 --> 00:03:45,438 Fine. 27 00:03:45,608 --> 00:03:49,500 Friend! Tell me the number of your planet in the tenture? 28 00:03:49,741 --> 00:03:52,042 Or at least the number of your galaxy in the spiral? 29 00:03:52,222 --> 00:03:56,235 I got my contacts mixed up and now I can't return home. 30 00:03:56,585 --> 00:04:00,066 We don't know the number. We forgot, my friend. 31 00:04:00,596 --> 00:04:06,078 And now this lad will go and call information, and we'll wait for him in the bakers, okay? 32 00:04:06,439 --> 00:04:07,910 And put this on meanwhile... 33 00:04:08,261 --> 00:04:15,405 Thank you... Listen, my friends. There's no need for the bakers, no need for information. 34 00:04:15,636 --> 00:04:23,249 This is my planet... 247 in tenture, galaxy Beta, in the spiral. 35 00:04:23,659 --> 00:04:27,431 With this machine you travel in space... 36 00:04:27,731 --> 00:04:31,214 So which co-ordinates do I press in order to travel home? 37 00:04:31,745 --> 00:04:34,745 You see time is relative - do you understand this? 38 00:04:35,165 --> 00:04:36,577 Let me make a suggestion. 39 00:04:36,577 --> 00:04:40,999 We'll just press this contact and travel to your home. 40 00:04:40,999 --> 00:04:42,710 But if this machine doesn't work, 41 00:04:42,710 --> 00:04:47,733 then you travel with us to where we want to take you, okay? 42 00:04:48,853 --> 00:04:51,505 No, you can't... You need to know... 43 00:04:51,505 --> 00:04:53,506 Yes we can... 44 00:05:11,446 --> 00:05:13,857 So what can you see? Eh? 45 00:05:14,037 --> 00:05:15,398 Sand... 46 00:05:15,628 --> 00:05:18,109 So that gadget worked... 47 00:05:21,821 --> 00:05:25,244 and that idiot, with his holes, he stayed behind? 48 00:05:28,195 --> 00:05:29,906 Don�t worry... 49 00:05:33,027 --> 00:05:36,749 There's the sun, there's sand, there's gravity. 50 00:05:36,870 --> 00:05:40,351 Where are we? We're on Earth. Or... 51 00:05:40,581 --> 00:05:41,232 Or? 52 00:05:41,411 --> 00:05:46,366 No, let's take it we're on Earth, in some desert... So? 53 00:05:46,366 --> 00:05:50,548 Karakumi? Eh? What other deserts do we have? 54 00:05:50,909 --> 00:05:52,209 Gobi, Sahara... 55 00:05:52,209 --> 00:05:53,619 No, I said OUR deserts! 56 00:05:53,619 --> 00:05:56,040 The only other one is the Kyzylkumi. 57 00:05:56,390 --> 00:06:02,354 No. Let's take it that it's the Karakumi. Eh? 58 00:06:03,585 --> 00:06:05,007 So that means... 59 00:06:05,596 --> 00:06:10,199 The sun's in the west... so, Ashabad is this way. Understood? 60 00:06:10,429 --> 00:06:12,560 let's go! 61 00:06:19,044 --> 00:06:21,224 Let's go... let's go! 62 00:06:46,479 --> 00:06:49,780 Comrade, what's your name? 63 00:06:50,841 --> 00:06:53,082 Vladimir Nikolaevich. 64 00:06:53,372 --> 00:06:55,263 And I'm Gedevan. 65 00:06:55,263 --> 00:06:56,734 Pleased to meet you... 66 00:07:13,784 --> 00:07:17,325 You have a bottle in your bag, is it wine? 67 00:07:17,736 --> 00:07:20,929 No, it's wine vinegar. 68 00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:27,822 And some herbs - coriander. 69 00:07:27,822 --> 00:07:30,183 So we'll live well. 70 00:07:35,555 --> 00:07:41,629 Vladimir Nikolaevich, do you remember what number was given by the guy who took my socks? 71 00:07:42,220 --> 00:07:43,400 No. 72 00:07:44,051 --> 00:07:47,593 Only maybe we're on the planet, he came from? 73 00:07:48,003 --> 00:07:53,134 Listen, Skripach! Whatever we guess, it's all the same and won�t change a thing! 74 00:07:53,134 --> 00:07:56,438 Now we choose a direction and go. 75 00:07:56,967 --> 00:07:59,860 The most important thing is to reach water. Alright? 76 00:08:04,521 --> 00:08:07,404 Vladimir Nikoaevich, I want to put my slippers on. 77 00:08:07,524 --> 00:08:09,234 Well, put them on! 78 00:08:09,414 --> 00:08:11,005 Then wait! 79 00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:21,091 What's the time? 80 00:08:21,151 --> 00:08:22,572 Four. 81 00:08:22,802 --> 00:08:24,162 In the morning? 82 00:08:24,162 --> 00:08:25,814 Yes... 83 00:08:31,826 --> 00:08:33,778 Are you late? 84 00:08:34,719 --> 00:08:40,151 I feel uncomfortable... I phoned the airport to say I'd be there in an hour. And here we are... 85 00:08:40,972 --> 00:08:42,863 Are you studying at the conservatory? 86 00:08:42,863 --> 00:08:47,405 No, it's someone else's. Professor Rogozina. 87 00:08:47,405 --> 00:08:53,479 He gave a harvest concert for us, and they forgot to put the violin in the plane. 88 00:08:53,889 --> 00:08:55,191 A banquet? 89 00:08:55,191 --> 00:08:57,082 No, dinner... 90 00:08:57,842 --> 00:08:59,203 Ah! Are you from Tibilisi? 91 00:08:59,203 --> 00:09:01,443 No, Batumi. 92 00:09:01,853 --> 00:09:05,275 I thought I'd return the violin, and still have time to catch the train. 93 00:09:05,635 --> 00:09:08,517 I study textiles in Ivanova. 94 00:09:08,517 --> 00:09:09,467 Aha... 95 00:09:09,878 --> 00:09:15,892 So first I went to MGIMO to return it, to the institute of international relations, but they told me there that... 96 00:09:16,012 --> 00:09:18,493 Quiet!... 97 00:10:15,885 --> 00:10:17,476 A man... 98 00:10:22,728 --> 00:10:24,560 Hello... 99 00:10:40,428 --> 00:10:42,730 American? 100 00:11:02,550 --> 00:11:04,491 Do you know any languages? 101 00:11:04,551 --> 00:11:07,093 English. Some French. 102 00:11:07,624 --> 00:11:09,745 Tell them we have no money... 103 00:11:12,637 --> 00:11:14,466 Tell them we can't pay them. 104 00:11:39,181 --> 00:11:43,963 Hello! We are from a group of tourists and we've strayed from the group. 105 00:11:44,254 --> 00:11:48,976 Take us to the town, and somehow we'll regroup.... . 106 00:11:49,387 --> 00:11:50,977 Do you speak English? 107 00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:56,700 Parle francais? 108 00:11:57,530 --> 00:11:58,881 Hello.. 109 00:11:59,592 --> 00:12:03,604 Do you speak English? Parle Francais? 110 00:12:06,847 --> 00:12:08,617 ...Sprechen Sie Deutch? 111 00:12:17,822 --> 00:12:19,943 Chatl! 112 00:12:21,594 --> 00:12:26,907 No money. Money, documents, currency - all left with the tour guide. 113 00:12:27,078 --> 00:12:32,921 So, that's the result... we turned our backs for a minute and... disappeared in the sands. 114 00:12:47,138 --> 00:12:49,560 Take it. It's warm. 115 00:12:51,911 --> 00:12:54,103 Excuse me, what? 116 00:12:56,282 --> 00:12:58,874 You want my hat? 117 00:13:07,550 --> 00:13:12,032 I'm sorry...it's somebody else's, I can't give it away... 118 00:13:16,634 --> 00:13:18,756 There's nothing in there. 119 00:13:18,756 --> 00:13:20,757 Open it. 120 00:13:26,071 --> 00:13:28,662 It's not wine, it's vinegar. 121 00:13:38,457 --> 00:13:40,518 Sour, eh? 122 00:13:49,903 --> 00:13:53,854 Well friend so it's agreed? You'll take us? 123 00:13:54,265 --> 00:13:56,327 Skripach, quickly... 124 00:14:01,759 --> 00:14:05,652 Like I said we must get to the nearest town, and here's a way we can get there! 125 00:14:09,013 --> 00:14:11,196 The jacket now... 126 00:14:29,244 --> 00:14:31,786 A good thing they don't want the violin. 127 00:14:52,018 --> 00:14:53,968 Now they feel ashamed! 128 00:15:10,126 --> 00:15:11,959 129 00:15:15,672 --> 00:15:17,152 What do you mean 'Ktse'? 130 00:15:21,394 --> 00:15:23,455 He seems to want the matches. 131 00:15:23,755 --> 00:15:25,757 You want the matches? 132 00:15:30,949 --> 00:15:32,480 There. 133 00:15:48,768 --> 00:15:50,770 The whole box? 134 00:15:52,192 --> 00:15:56,204 Take us away from here, and we'll give you 'koo'. 135 00:17:12,766 --> 00:17:17,838 Not one letter to identify where it's made... 136 00:17:26,453 --> 00:17:28,395 Excuse me, I don't understand... 137 00:17:32,177 --> 00:17:34,178 Do you speak Turkish? 138 00:17:43,623 --> 00:17:45,865 What do they want? 139 00:17:47,335 --> 00:17:49,516 They want Koo! 140 00:18:04,795 --> 00:18:06,626 141 00:18:07,096 --> 00:18:09,108 Thank you... 142 00:18:14,999 --> 00:18:17,422 He wants me to wear the bell. 143 00:18:19,842 --> 00:18:21,434 Too bad. 144 00:18:26,506 --> 00:18:29,219 I'll wear it, Vladimir Nikolaevich, if it makes him happy... 145 00:18:31,579 --> 00:18:33,880 Go ahead! 146 00:19:00,365 --> 00:19:03,078 All right, I'm persuaded. 147 00:20:38,230 --> 00:20:40,111 I'm going to light up, if that's all right with you... 148 00:20:43,422 --> 00:20:45,834 Quiet, quiet, quiet! 149 00:21:36,041 --> 00:21:39,814 Vladimir Nikolaevich, maybe we really are on... 150 00:21:41,525 --> 00:21:44,235 Yes! Typical Martians. 151 00:22:06,888 --> 00:22:12,312 Lusenka, darling, pest, it seems to you these...macaroni. 152 00:22:21,167 --> 00:22:28,661 So. We know Russian do we? Why was it necessary to conceal it? 153 00:22:29,302 --> 00:22:36,036 Well we didn't conceal it. It's very difficult to fathom a language, when straight away you're thinking in two languages. 154 00:22:36,036 --> 00:22:40,567 And that Patsak is talking all the time in languages, the rest of which he doesn't know. 155 00:22:40,747 --> 00:22:43,880 Why are you staring at me, maimoona verishvilo. 156 00:22:44,579 --> 00:22:46,411 They know Georgian too... 157 00:22:46,471 --> 00:22:48,122 What did he say? 158 00:22:48,122 --> 00:22:49,653 Ape son of a donkey. 159 00:22:49,653 --> 00:22:55,025 So. We're from the Soviet Union, here on a cultural exchange. 160 00:22:55,025 --> 00:22:57,447 They know us, and where we are, and can find us. 161 00:22:57,447 --> 00:23:04,290 If you're not prepared to let us contact our embassy, there will be large scale repercussions, is that clear? 162 00:23:08,773 --> 00:23:12,306 We don't understand �embassy�, put on the bell quickly! 163 00:23:13,016 --> 00:23:20,690 That means you understand macaroni, you understand maimuni, but you don�t know what's an embassy, idiots. 164 00:23:21,279 --> 00:23:25,052 I've had enough! You're morons, understand? 165 00:23:25,232 --> 00:23:33,246 You thought about macaroni and I just repeated it. This is not the Earth, and not Africa, my friend. 166 00:23:33,246 --> 00:23:42,861 It's the planet Pluk, 215 in tenture. In the galactic spiral of Kin Dza Dza. Do you understand? 167 00:23:45,464 --> 00:23:48,945 How do you do? Let's go... 168 00:23:50,948 --> 00:23:56,670 Wear the bells, my friend... Wear them. 169 00:24:00,211 --> 00:24:04,274 There we are, well done. 170 00:24:32,540 --> 00:24:34,300 Excuse me, where are we? 171 00:24:34,300 --> 00:24:39,853 Sh! She has very sensitive ears. Do you know the tenture of your own planet? 172 00:24:39,853 --> 00:24:40,794 Tenture? 173 00:24:40,794 --> 00:24:44,868 Well, tell me the number of your galaxy in the spiral. 174 00:24:44,868 --> 00:24:45,687 In the spiral? 175 00:24:45,687 --> 00:24:47,108 In the spiral. The spiral... 176 00:24:47,108 --> 00:24:47,518 Yes... 177 00:24:47,518 --> 00:24:55,132 You know where the earth is. It orbits with such planets as er... Venus, Saturn, Mars, Jupiter... 178 00:24:55,132 --> 00:24:57,072 What others, Vladimir Nikolaevich? 179 00:24:57,072 --> 00:24:58,664 The Great Bear. 180 00:24:58,664 --> 00:25:01,026 Vladimir Nikolaevich - come here. 181 00:25:06,990 --> 00:25:09,990 On your planet do you have more matches? 182 00:25:09,990 --> 00:25:11,761 Well, you'll find them. 183 00:25:11,761 --> 00:25:14,773 How many will you give us if we set you back there? 184 00:25:15,953 --> 00:25:17,543 How many do you need? 185 00:25:17,543 --> 00:25:19,786 Two packs like these! 186 00:25:19,786 --> 00:25:20,967 Seven! 187 00:25:20,967 --> 00:25:22,498 Seven. 188 00:25:23,089 --> 00:25:28,160 But give us what you have now, I will buy a gravitsapa from them. 189 00:25:28,160 --> 00:25:30,281 Sorry, but what is a gravitsapa? 190 00:25:30,281 --> 00:25:35,354 Without a gravitsapa a pepelats can only fly like this, 191 00:25:35,354 --> 00:25:40,788 but with one you can reach any point in the universe - in five seconds. 192 00:25:40,788 --> 00:25:46,451 My friends, how is it that you bring a pepelats without a gravitsapa from the garage? It's not in working order. 193 00:25:46,451 --> 00:25:49,512 We had a gravitsapa. But when we arrived here, it broke down. 194 00:25:49,512 --> 00:25:50,693 Aha. 195 00:25:50,693 --> 00:25:52,643 But don't you have a transference machine? 196 00:25:52,643 --> 00:25:53,115 No. 197 00:25:53,115 --> 00:25:53,825 No. 198 00:25:54,295 --> 00:25:56,006 Give me the matches. 199 00:25:56,356 --> 00:25:58,127 Give us some water. 200 00:26:18,779 --> 00:26:25,913 Like this! You need to do this! Foo.. You need to do this! Foo...Do this...Foo... 201 00:26:25,913 --> 00:26:29,624 It's yours, now smoke like this. 202 00:26:29,624 --> 00:26:31,624 Thank you. 203 00:26:35,768 --> 00:26:40,721 He says there they have a gravitsapa. Put your matches here. 204 00:26:40,951 --> 00:26:45,913 Here's what we'll do. When you put us on the earth, you can have them... 205 00:26:45,913 --> 00:26:47,034 What do you mean? 206 00:26:47,034 --> 00:26:49,866 Come on, Skripach, to the open cosmos. 207 00:26:50,516 --> 00:26:57,590 Wait! Come back. Come back! 208 00:26:57,590 --> 00:27:00,071 On mother earth you'll get them. 209 00:27:00,071 --> 00:27:05,674 Vladimir Nikolaevich! You said if we take you, you will give us them all. 210 00:27:05,674 --> 00:27:10,917 But then you stole this match from us. Patsak doesn't cheat patsak it's not nice, my friend... 211 00:27:10,917 --> 00:27:12,869 I said - take us to the town! 212 00:27:12,869 --> 00:27:14,169 And what's this? 213 00:27:14,169 --> 00:27:15,170 A shed. 214 00:27:15,170 --> 00:27:23,725 And what's this? What's this? What's this here - not a town?! 215 00:27:23,725 --> 00:27:30,978 You're trying to make fools of us. Show us your gravitsapa. It's a trade thing. We'll take it. 216 00:27:31,919 --> 00:27:41,714 Patsak! What kind of idiots have I got here who give me contraband ktse in front of witnesses, when for that you'll get life imprisonment lying on nails? 217 00:27:41,714 --> 00:27:44,366 Have you got a brain in your head or Kyoo? 218 00:27:46,437 --> 00:27:48,677 We'll buy it ourselves. Come on. 219 00:27:50,449 --> 00:27:54,102 Stop! Stop I say! 220 00:27:59,294 --> 00:28:05,607 Who are you? I asked, who are you? 221 00:28:06,728 --> 00:28:08,019 The new foreman. 222 00:28:08,019 --> 00:28:11,031 No. You're a patsak. And who are you? 223 00:28:11,031 --> 00:28:12,332 I'm a Georgian. 224 00:28:12,332 --> 00:28:18,175 No, You're a patsak too. You're a patsak, you're a patsak and he's a patsak. 225 00:28:18,175 --> 00:28:21,415 But I'm chatlanian, and they are chatlanian. 226 00:28:21,415 --> 00:28:25,659 So you wear the tsak and sit in the pepelats, understand? 227 00:28:26,018 --> 00:28:27,370 What? 228 00:28:27,370 --> 00:28:34,153 Watch when I point this device at myself, my friend... which point registers? Green. 229 00:28:34,153 --> 00:28:40,707 Now at him, watch - green too. And at you...Green. 230 00:28:40,707 --> 00:28:45,420 Now look at Uef - which colour? Orange? 231 00:28:45,420 --> 00:28:50,022 Because he is Chatlanian! Well, do you understand? 232 00:28:50,022 --> 00:28:51,024 So what? 233 00:28:51,024 --> 00:28:56,095 Pluk is the Chatlanian planet. Therefore we, Patsaks, must wear the tsak... 234 00:28:56,095 --> 00:29:01,229 Yes, and in front of we Chatlanians you must do this... 235 00:29:01,939 --> 00:29:05,010 Vladimir Nikolaevich, it's unashamed racism. 236 00:29:05,361 --> 00:29:07,252 Show us again, please. 237 00:29:07,843 --> 00:29:08,963 Like this! 238 00:29:08,963 --> 00:29:10,844 If you would, a little slower... 239 00:29:10,844 --> 00:29:12,676 Like this. 240 00:29:14,037 --> 00:29:22,589 Vladimir Nikolaevich, you have a wife at home, a son doing badly at school, a cooperative flat you haven't paid for, 241 00:29:22,589 --> 00:29:29,664 and you're here...you're brain has gone. It's ended pretty badly, my friend. 242 00:29:34,507 --> 00:29:37,038 Very well, Skripach, let's play their games... 243 00:29:37,038 --> 00:29:38,459 There we are, well done. 244 00:29:38,459 --> 00:29:42,110 Now give a match to Uef, and he will buy the gravitsapa. 245 00:29:42,110 --> 00:29:44,001 But it was said that you need them all. 246 00:29:44,001 --> 00:29:46,124 I was joking. 247 00:29:46,124 --> 00:29:48,126 Very funny. 248 00:29:50,546 --> 00:29:53,677 Wait. We'll go together... 249 00:29:58,981 --> 00:30:01,992 Don't show them your ktse, and don't think about them. 250 00:30:01,992 --> 00:30:05,174 You show them my ktse. And don't give them more than half a match. 251 00:30:05,174 --> 00:30:07,356 Gravitsapa costs half a match. 252 00:30:08,536 --> 00:30:11,257 Your Patsak said a whole match. 253 00:30:12,488 --> 00:30:14,679 And he was joking. 254 00:30:31,308 --> 00:30:33,371 Grade 300 cement? 255 00:30:36,201 --> 00:30:39,924 Patsak! Remember - Half or less. 256 00:30:39,924 --> 00:30:41,104 Okay. 257 00:30:41,104 --> 00:30:44,106 Excuse me - Chatlanian and Patsak - is it nationality? 258 00:30:44,106 --> 00:30:46,106 No. 259 00:30:46,407 --> 00:30:47,889 Biological factor? 260 00:30:47,889 --> 00:30:48,889 No. 261 00:30:48,889 --> 00:30:50,479 From different planets? 262 00:30:50,479 --> 00:30:51,660 No. 263 00:30:51,660 --> 00:30:54,021 So what distinguishes you from one another? 264 00:30:54,021 --> 00:30:58,563 Are you colour blind, Skripach? Green differs from orange doesn't it? 265 00:30:58,563 --> 00:31:00,566 Tourist! 266 00:31:06,518 --> 00:31:08,519 Wow! 267 00:31:10,230 --> 00:31:12,231 Skyscraper! 268 00:31:12,421 --> 00:31:14,553 Come on! 269 00:31:27,590 --> 00:31:29,531 270 00:31:29,831 --> 00:31:35,074 Hello, citizen. You won't feel the cold in that coat, eh? 271 00:31:45,459 --> 00:31:50,592 They will keep me out. They will let you in. Don't give them ktse, 272 00:31:50,592 --> 00:31:53,184 bring the gravitsapa here, and I'll look at it. 273 00:31:54,723 --> 00:31:56,436 Come on... 274 00:31:59,678 --> 00:32:01,089 Not you! 275 00:32:01,089 --> 00:32:02,209 We're together! 276 00:32:02,209 --> 00:32:03,450 Not you! 277 00:32:03,450 --> 00:32:06,100 Vladimir Nikolaevich, tell him! 278 00:32:06,100 --> 00:32:08,112 It's alright. 279 00:32:08,823 --> 00:32:10,644 Wait here. 280 00:32:17,378 --> 00:32:19,729 Only don't go anywhere! 281 00:32:38,549 --> 00:32:40,380 Hi! 282 00:32:43,862 --> 00:32:45,574 How's life? 283 00:32:48,934 --> 00:32:54,538 You say, bow... but out of respect for the ladies present... 284 00:32:57,601 --> 00:33:00,381 Well what's new on Pluk? 285 00:33:01,552 --> 00:33:04,564 Lay down the ktse, and you'll get the gravitsapa. 286 00:33:16,781 --> 00:33:19,021 Half? 287 00:33:19,902 --> 00:33:21,903 Half. 288 00:33:22,733 --> 00:33:24,566 Can I look at it? 289 00:33:24,566 --> 00:33:26,566 Look. 290 00:33:38,013 --> 00:33:45,796 In general I am not a specialist on these gravitsapa, so let's go and show it to my Chatlanian. He'll examine it. 291 00:33:45,796 --> 00:33:48,867 Right. Let's fit the Tsapa. 292 00:34:06,678 --> 00:34:08,809 Bad throat? 293 00:34:13,583 --> 00:34:15,003 Water... 294 00:34:15,003 --> 00:34:23,787 I have a proposal. I'll give you that ktse, and you give me two bottles of water. Agreed? 295 00:34:23,787 --> 00:34:25,788 Let's do it. 296 00:34:37,114 --> 00:34:39,006 Do you have any food? 297 00:34:39,006 --> 00:34:40,837 Kasha... 298 00:34:40,837 --> 00:34:42,838 What sort? 299 00:34:43,728 --> 00:34:45,969 Plastic. 300 00:34:51,693 --> 00:35:02,779 So if I give you a whole ktse, you'll give me five bottles of water and a kilo of kasha. 301 00:35:06,732 --> 00:35:07,912 For what? 302 00:35:07,912 --> 00:35:09,563 Ktse. 303 00:35:10,564 --> 00:35:11,984 we need to check it again. 304 00:35:11,984 --> 00:35:13,986 Check it! 305 00:35:31,745 --> 00:35:33,806 Oi, just a second! 306 00:35:35,927 --> 00:35:37,698 Wait... 307 00:36:05,194 --> 00:36:10,327 Skripach! Can you obtain more matches on Earth? 308 00:36:11,208 --> 00:36:13,388 I can. 309 00:36:16,219 --> 00:36:22,123 If you can spit this further, I'll give you a half chatl. Like so... spit. 310 00:36:22,123 --> 00:36:26,895 If I can, you give me two matches.... 311 00:36:36,931 --> 00:36:37,751 Do you see? 312 00:36:37,751 --> 00:36:38,461 No. 313 00:36:38,461 --> 00:36:44,126 It's just a game. I give you half a chatl, you give me three matches. 314 00:36:44,126 --> 00:36:45,477 Go ahead, spit, my son. 315 00:36:45,477 --> 00:36:47,477 Thank you, I'd rather not. 316 00:36:48,427 --> 00:36:56,632 Well fine. Give me one match, or I give you three chatla, yellow trousers and these odds. Go on! 317 00:36:56,632 --> 00:36:58,223 No! 318 00:36:58,223 --> 00:36:59,523 Blue trousers... 319 00:36:59,523 --> 00:37:02,356 Mr Uef, I will not enter such terms and conditions. 320 00:37:02,356 --> 00:37:11,021 Are you going to change your mind? Why are you annoying me, maimoona verishvilo? 321 00:37:13,561 --> 00:37:19,875 Mr. Uef! I represent a civilized planet, and I demand that you follow our lexicon! 322 00:37:47,770 --> 00:37:49,841 Where are they? 323 00:37:50,312 --> 00:37:51,192 Who? 324 00:37:51,192 --> 00:37:55,264 The one with a scar, who I like an idiot gave all the matches to. 325 00:39:05,585 --> 00:39:07,945 Quiet, my friends. Enough! 326 00:39:09,235 --> 00:39:14,729 Enough? What do you mean enough? I told him a thousand times we need to go to the centre. 327 00:39:14,729 --> 00:39:19,862 But he's greedy, like all Chatlanians - 'for two chatlas cheaper!' 328 00:39:21,332 --> 00:39:23,984 Well there's still one. 329 00:39:27,646 --> 00:39:30,537 As I understand it, enough for a gravitsapa. 330 00:39:31,177 --> 00:39:33,429 Give it to me. Here. 331 00:39:33,429 --> 00:39:34,490 Why? 332 00:39:34,490 --> 00:39:36,611 To buy a gravitsapa. 333 00:39:38,442 --> 00:39:39,913 Where? 334 00:39:39,913 --> 00:39:42,454 There, in the centre. 335 00:39:42,454 --> 00:39:49,877 And how will you return us to Mother Earth, when you don't even know in which galaxy she orbits? 336 00:39:50,528 --> 00:39:55,491 The number of your planet, idiot, any planetarium in the centre will give out for two chatlas! 337 00:39:56,662 --> 00:39:58,853 So you'll give me the match? 338 00:39:59,322 --> 00:40:01,505 So you can cover us in sand? 339 00:40:01,505 --> 00:40:03,094 So you won't give it? 340 00:40:03,094 --> 00:40:04,216 No. 341 00:40:04,216 --> 00:40:06,807 And you won't change your mind? 342 00:40:06,807 --> 00:40:09,228 That won't happen! 343 00:40:13,652 --> 00:40:16,783 Then goodbye, my friend. 344 00:40:22,506 --> 00:40:24,508 They're going, Vladimir Nikolaevich. 345 00:40:24,627 --> 00:40:28,050 They won't go anywhere, they'll hang themselves for a match. 346 00:40:36,245 --> 00:40:44,918 Either you agree to give us that match, or we won't take you to the Earth for less than seven boxes! 347 00:40:49,701 --> 00:40:52,173 Two thousand. 348 00:40:52,702 --> 00:40:54,595 Three 349 00:40:54,595 --> 00:40:56,655 Two thousand three hundred 350 00:40:56,655 --> 00:40:58,426 Three 351 00:41:07,101 --> 00:41:09,573 Two thousand five hundred, I can't give you more. 352 00:41:09,694 --> 00:41:12,113 You can, my friend. 353 00:41:12,294 --> 00:41:14,355 Mr Bee, 354 00:41:17,007 --> 00:41:23,260 I have 50 rubles, matches cost 2 kopeks a box, 355 00:41:23,260 --> 00:41:26,622 that means I can buy two and a half thousand... 356 00:41:26,622 --> 00:41:30,875 Skripach you're lying! You have more chatls. 357 00:41:35,056 --> 00:41:40,780 Mr Uef! I am not Skripach to you! My name is Gedevan Alexandrovich... 358 00:41:49,455 --> 00:41:51,286 what's that, an engine? 359 00:41:51,286 --> 00:41:53,647 Don't poke your nose in every hole! 360 00:41:53,647 --> 00:41:55,888 ...Gedevan Alexandervich... 361 00:41:59,310 --> 00:42:05,143 Gedevan, let's tie up these lads now, and take a course to the North. 362 00:42:05,734 --> 00:42:07,505 Why? 363 00:42:07,505 --> 00:42:10,337 Maybe the shores of the Mediterranean are there? 364 00:42:12,227 --> 00:42:14,468 Ha, so Vladimir Nicolaevich, you've gone out of your mind, my friend. 365 00:42:14,468 --> 00:42:20,951 Where on Pluk is there a sea? They made fuel from them long ago. 366 00:42:21,662 --> 00:42:24,844 Sorry, they made what? 367 00:42:24,844 --> 00:42:26,915 Fuel, Skripach, fuel... 368 00:42:29,806 --> 00:42:32,338 Now you owe us six thousand, one hundred and forty boxes. 369 00:42:32,338 --> 00:42:34,759 How has it accumulated so much? 370 00:42:34,759 --> 00:42:38,411 You ate the kasha, you drank the water... and took the bandura. 371 00:42:40,012 --> 00:42:44,016 No, delete the bandura... we don't want the bandura. Put it down... 372 00:42:52,930 --> 00:42:58,292 Let's at least take something technical, if not who will believe it? 373 00:42:58,292 --> 00:43:02,305 Now give them the violin, if you like it so much. 374 00:43:04,427 --> 00:43:09,979 It's an 18th century Italian violin, and cost 1000 rubles, if not more. 375 00:43:09,979 --> 00:43:12,281 How will I pay for it? 376 00:43:14,632 --> 00:43:20,536 Skripac, instead of thinking that you're the first Georgian cosmonaut, 377 00:43:20,536 --> 00:43:28,439 give back the spoon you stole from a poor artist. 378 00:43:29,910 --> 00:43:32,571 I never thought of such a thing... 379 00:43:38,175 --> 00:43:42,887 I wanted to return it to the institute of non-ferrous metals, something new... 380 00:43:44,008 --> 00:43:50,911 Heavens! The heavens never saw such a disreputable Patsak as you, Skripach. 381 00:43:50,911 --> 00:43:53,864 I am deeply sad. 382 00:43:59,117 --> 00:44:00,588 Where are you going? 383 00:44:00,588 --> 00:44:02,008 To the toilet. 384 00:44:02,008 --> 00:44:08,612 You can't go to the toilet with money, money is left here. Gedevan Aleksandervich. 385 00:44:44,892 --> 00:44:47,193 Ktse are very dear, my friend. 386 00:44:47,193 --> 00:44:49,434 Why? 387 00:44:49,434 --> 00:44:55,158 Well now, on Earth, how do you determine who should squat in front of whom and how many times? 388 00:44:55,158 --> 00:44:57,990 Well, you just have a feel for it. 389 00:44:58,518 --> 00:45:05,834 Barbarian! Listen, I've started to like you, and I'm teaching you. 390 00:45:06,003 --> 00:45:11,496 If I have a few ktse, I have the right to wear yellow trousers. 391 00:45:11,616 --> 00:45:17,860 And in front of me a patsak should squat not one, But two times. 392 00:45:17,860 --> 00:45:25,714 If I have many ktse, I have the right to wear crimson trousers, 393 00:45:25,714 --> 00:45:34,088 and a patsak should squat twice in front of me, and chatlanian say koo. 394 00:45:34,088 --> 00:45:40,462 And the Etsilop don't have the right to beat me at night. Never. 395 00:45:42,524 --> 00:45:50,958 I have a suggestion, my friend. You give us the match, now, and we'll then give you yellow trousers, okay? 396 00:45:52,019 --> 00:45:54,670 Thanks, I have some already, perhaps Skripach needs them. 397 00:45:54,681 --> 00:45:58,623 Skripach! Here are some interplanetary trousers for sale. 398 00:45:59,453 --> 00:46:02,046 Yellow ones. Do you want them? 399 00:46:03,645 --> 00:46:05,346 Skripach isn't here, my friend. 400 00:46:05,346 --> 00:46:06,177 Why not? 401 00:46:06,177 --> 00:46:07,707 I ejected him. 402 00:46:07,707 --> 00:46:13,961 But you needn't worry, Vladimir Nikolaevich we have another ejector seat. A new one. It's all in order. 403 00:46:13,961 --> 00:46:15,732 I don't understand... 404 00:46:15,732 --> 00:46:19,154 I pressed the button - he flew. 405 00:46:19,564 --> 00:46:24,997 We don't need Skripach, my friend, he only uses extra fuel... 406 00:46:35,142 --> 00:46:37,564 Turn around! 407 00:46:37,564 --> 00:46:38,795 Not possible... 408 00:46:38,795 --> 00:46:41,686 Fuel is finished. We need to fly to the fuel station. 409 00:46:42,686 --> 00:46:46,759 Turn around! Or this damned match will burn now! 410 00:46:48,770 --> 00:46:51,242 Gedevan! 411 00:46:55,555 --> 00:46:57,966 Skripach! 412 00:47:01,747 --> 00:47:03,929 Skripach! 413 00:47:15,665 --> 00:47:17,147 What can have become of him? 414 00:47:17,147 --> 00:47:20,798 You've been told. The etsilops have caught him. 415 00:47:21,449 --> 00:47:22,748 Well let's fly, my friend. 416 00:47:22,748 --> 00:47:24,520 I could murder you! 417 00:47:29,003 --> 00:47:31,535 Get in touch with the epsilops by radio! 418 00:47:32,125 --> 00:47:34,836 But we don't have a radio, we threw it out. 419 00:47:35,426 --> 00:47:36,957 I'll be back... I'll take a look... 420 00:47:36,957 --> 00:47:38,958 Epsilop! 421 00:47:47,704 --> 00:47:49,764 Put on the tsak, quick... 422 00:47:51,656 --> 00:47:53,186 put on the tsak. 423 00:47:53,186 --> 00:47:55,017 Leave it! 424 00:48:07,405 --> 00:48:11,767 Put it on, or he will trankluk you. You and the match. 425 00:49:06,156 --> 00:49:08,039 Good day. 426 00:49:08,039 --> 00:49:11,520 Listen, friend, We lost a young lad here, you haven't come across him? 427 00:49:13,761 --> 00:49:15,712 What? 428 00:49:27,748 --> 00:49:32,521 O! Sorry, I forgot... They said you picked him up. 429 00:50:12,463 --> 00:50:16,176 I said we don't need Skripach. I said it. 430 00:50:16,176 --> 00:50:19,297 Now how do we buy luts? How? 431 00:50:25,200 --> 00:50:27,502 You're a disease, my friend... 432 00:50:27,502 --> 00:50:30,333 He's worse. He's just kyoo. 433 00:51:05,663 --> 00:51:11,686 Here's a suggestion. We find Skripach, and fly to the local government... 434 00:51:11,686 --> 00:51:14,048 Bring a little sand, my friend... 435 00:51:15,458 --> 00:51:18,470 We tell him who we are, where we're from... 436 00:51:20,891 --> 00:51:29,205 They'll give us a gravitsapa, and we'll organise some mutually beneficial trade 437 00:51:30,977 --> 00:51:35,810 you give us yellow trousers and we give you as many ktse as you want. 438 00:51:36,461 --> 00:51:39,582 To fly to the government - we need to have a gravitsapa. 439 00:51:39,582 --> 00:51:42,713 The governers live on another planet, my friend. 440 00:52:28,308 --> 00:52:31,030 Uncle Vova! I'm here! 441 00:52:33,502 --> 00:52:35,213 Here... 442 00:52:50,081 --> 00:52:51,022 Skripach! 443 00:52:51,022 --> 00:52:51,732 What! 444 00:52:51,732 --> 00:52:54,093 And where... My thing, what is it... 445 00:52:54,093 --> 00:52:56,094 Tsak? 446 00:52:57,044 --> 00:52:58,636 Well? 447 00:52:59,516 --> 00:53:00,757 I have it. 448 00:53:00,757 --> 00:53:01,817 So give it to me! 449 00:53:01,817 --> 00:53:02,878 Why here? 450 00:53:02,878 --> 00:53:05,058 Well, just give it to me, I said! 451 00:53:08,781 --> 00:53:10,492 There's noone here. 452 00:53:11,782 --> 00:53:12,964 That's mine. 453 00:53:12,964 --> 00:53:15,095 Alright, then keep it ready. 454 00:53:35,206 --> 00:53:37,267 You asleep? 455 00:53:38,037 --> 00:53:39,988 No. 456 00:53:39,988 --> 00:53:42,169 Don't lose heart, Skripach. 457 00:53:42,169 --> 00:53:45,701 If there is a gravitsapa on this Plyuk, we'll get it. 458 00:53:46,713 --> 00:53:49,075 We've got scarcer things... 459 00:53:53,376 --> 00:53:55,317 Listen! 460 00:53:57,978 --> 00:54:00,450 Eh! Wait! 461 00:54:01,751 --> 00:54:04,401 Listen, drop us off in the centre. 462 00:54:04,401 --> 00:54:05,703 Patsak! Stop. 463 00:54:05,703 --> 00:54:07,355 What? 464 00:54:08,065 --> 00:54:12,606 Don't come any closer. Why do you want? 465 00:54:12,606 --> 00:54:14,378 Take us to the centre!... 466 00:54:14,378 --> 00:54:16,378 Three chatlas.. 467 00:54:16,848 --> 00:54:20,209 No money! But we'll work for it! 468 00:54:20,209 --> 00:54:22,102 And what can you do? 469 00:54:22,752 --> 00:54:25,054 Me? I can do everything! 470 00:54:25,054 --> 00:54:25,934 And what exactly? 471 00:54:25,934 --> 00:54:32,607 Vladimir Nikolaevich is a builder foreman, he can build you a house 472 00:54:32,607 --> 00:54:34,670 And what can you do? 473 00:54:35,259 --> 00:54:36,610 Me? 474 00:54:37,150 --> 00:54:39,861 He can play the violin! 475 00:54:40,981 --> 00:54:43,043 Play... 476 00:54:43,574 --> 00:54:44,755 Play. 477 00:54:44,755 --> 00:54:47,826 I can't! 478 00:54:47,826 --> 00:54:49,888 See you around, Patsaks. 479 00:54:49,888 --> 00:54:54,189 Woman! Wait! I can play! 480 00:54:54,189 --> 00:54:56,191 Play! 481 00:54:56,191 --> 00:54:57,791 Here? 482 00:54:57,791 --> 00:54:59,972 There! 483 00:55:20,854 --> 00:55:24,336 Wait a minute...I can tune this up... 484 00:55:28,939 --> 00:55:31,181 Play. 485 00:55:34,251 --> 00:55:36,542 And sing. 486 00:55:39,915 --> 00:55:42,266 Wait, wait! 487 00:55:43,507 --> 00:55:44,928 How does it go... 488 00:55:44,928 --> 00:55:50,231 Mama, mama, what should I do?... 489 00:55:50,231 --> 00:55:52,532 Cool! 490 00:55:52,532 --> 00:55:53,772 What? 491 00:55:53,772 --> 00:55:55,423 I said, 'Cool!' 492 00:55:55,423 --> 00:55:56,725 These people like it. 493 00:55:56,725 --> 00:55:57,664 What? 494 00:55:57,664 --> 00:55:59,666 These people like it! 495 00:56:20,198 --> 00:56:21,498 Let me be a drummer. 496 00:56:21,498 --> 00:56:22,148 How? 497 00:56:25,210 --> 00:56:27,041 Foreman! 498 00:56:27,451 --> 00:56:29,752 We don't need Skripach! 499 00:56:32,114 --> 00:56:36,186 Don't worry, he can be useful. Give us some water to drink, eh? 500 00:56:36,186 --> 00:56:38,839 I said, after the performance. 501 00:56:38,839 --> 00:56:41,729 And we could take it by force. 502 00:56:44,921 --> 00:56:47,632 Then you'd have to ask us. 503 00:56:47,632 --> 00:56:51,225 Oo! Touch me - etselop will come and pull off your legs. 504 00:56:51,225 --> 00:56:53,646 I don't give a damn about your etsilop! 505 00:56:53,646 --> 00:56:56,778 Calm down, Skripach. Don't provoke the lady... 506 00:56:58,659 --> 00:57:00,900 Foreman! 507 00:57:11,996 --> 00:57:14,237 Look..... 508 00:57:20,311 --> 00:57:22,792 Alright, I understand. 509 00:57:24,262 --> 00:57:28,926 Listen, do you know anyone with a gravitsapa and a pepelats? 510 00:57:28,926 --> 00:57:30,455 Why? 511 00:57:30,455 --> 00:57:35,119 Well he could drop us off on Earth, and we'd give you a big box of ktse, and him... 512 00:57:36,590 --> 00:57:40,952 I understand that your people don't trust words, well read what I'm thinking... 513 00:57:44,084 --> 00:57:47,156 ...that your wife is phoning the morgues. 514 00:57:47,156 --> 00:57:50,397 No, what exactly now I'm thinking. 515 00:57:50,987 --> 00:57:52,579 What you're going to give us. 516 00:57:52,579 --> 00:57:54,520 Then it's the truth. 517 00:57:55,940 --> 00:57:59,303 What idiot on Plyuk thinks the truth? 518 00:58:00,483 --> 00:58:02,434 Absurd! 519 00:58:02,964 --> 00:58:10,979 So because you say what you don't think and think what you don't think, so you live in cages. 520 00:58:10,979 --> 00:58:19,062 All this bitter cataclysm which I see here, and Vladimir Nikolaevich sees too... 521 00:58:19,062 --> 00:58:24,315 Patsaks have to perform in a cage, so we need a cage. Why show off? 522 00:58:24,315 --> 00:58:27,208 Doesn't matter, my dear, we will sing beside the cage. 523 00:58:27,208 --> 00:58:30,389 Get in the cage or he will see us, and will trankluk you. 524 00:58:30,389 --> 00:58:31,981 We're not animals. 525 00:58:31,981 --> 00:58:33,692 What??? 526 00:58:35,342 --> 00:58:36,464 No you will come inside! Come inside! 527 00:58:36,464 --> 00:58:37,174 Let go! 528 00:58:37,174 --> 00:58:37,943 You will get in! 529 00:58:37,943 --> 00:58:39,294 Wait! 530 00:58:39,294 --> 00:58:40,946 Get in! 531 00:58:46,317 --> 00:58:48,970 Get in, or he will melt us! 532 00:58:49,500 --> 00:58:53,691 Okay, get in Skripach. If she wants it that badly. 533 00:58:54,343 --> 00:58:56,344 Get in. 534 00:59:01,007 --> 00:59:05,308 One two three... 535 00:59:05,308 --> 00:59:07,079 Dance! 536 00:59:07,379 --> 00:59:08,261 Dance... 537 00:59:08,261 --> 00:59:11,742 You know, try to find another ensemble... my friend. 538 00:59:13,393 --> 00:59:15,165 What??? 539 00:59:25,780 --> 00:59:27,791 I'll be back. 540 00:59:31,563 --> 00:59:36,227 We've got to get out of here. Boys, push the cart, it's uphill. 541 00:59:36,336 --> 00:59:39,057 The pleasure is ours... 542 00:59:46,192 --> 00:59:47,782 Gas! 543 00:59:47,782 --> 00:59:50,144 See you, bastards! 544 01:00:09,845 --> 01:00:12,736 I will tell everybody... 545 01:00:12,736 --> 01:00:18,700 ...where this buffoon PZh has led the planet. 546 01:00:19,700 --> 01:00:25,063 Patsaks have walked all over chatlanians! 547 01:00:32,557 --> 01:00:35,858 Well, everything there? 548 01:00:35,858 --> 01:00:38,281 She stole the eau de cologne. 549 01:00:39,220 --> 01:00:40,991 Women!... 550 01:00:46,595 --> 01:00:51,498 Hang on, is that lead you got there? 551 01:00:51,498 --> 01:00:53,849 Let me, uncle Vova. 552 01:01:30,429 --> 01:01:34,381 I don't even know which way to look. 553 01:01:34,381 --> 01:01:36,742 Where's the Earth? 554 01:01:53,372 --> 01:02:01,277 Galina Borisovna! Comrade Mashkov and I, as patsaks, could receive two chatlas for a performance - it's the maximum. 555 01:02:01,277 --> 01:02:06,289 Water, luts and fines for epsilops - a minimum of one chatl a day. 556 01:02:06,289 --> 01:02:11,251 And a gravitsapa costs half a ktse! That's two thousand two hundred chatls. 557 01:02:11,251 --> 01:02:19,798 Divided by 365, take off Saturday and Sunday we get six. And that's for those six years when I had no way of returning! 558 01:02:20,628 --> 01:02:24,339 That's all very well, Gedevan Alexandrovich, but these are just words. 559 01:02:24,339 --> 01:02:30,833 Where is the proof, that you arrived from the cosmos, and didn't sell the violin, as Professor Rogozin alleges, 560 01:02:30,833 --> 01:02:34,484 and spent all this time in a disoteque in Garak? 561 01:02:35,195 --> 01:02:37,616 Here's some rock. 562 01:02:38,677 --> 01:02:40,628 Here's a chatl. 563 01:02:42,099 --> 01:02:43,400 Here's a tsak. 564 01:02:43,400 --> 01:02:50,773 And a nut and sand I attached to the explanation report and handed in to Dean Raechke, so that it could be sent to UNESCO. 565 01:02:50,773 --> 01:02:51,954 Where? 566 01:02:52,364 --> 01:02:53,956 UNESCO. 567 01:02:56,197 --> 01:03:04,101 You are a grown man, Gedevan Alexandrovich. You study for one term and disappear for a year! And explain yourself... 568 01:03:04,101 --> 01:03:13,426 With some pebble, some piece of old Caucas ceramics, and a donkey bell! 569 01:03:13,437 --> 01:03:19,560 A candidate for... well, as to that, if you have musical talent, 570 01:03:19,560 --> 01:03:23,682 then why didn't you participate in our amateur performers course? 571 01:03:23,682 --> 01:03:29,055 You will excuse me, Skripach, but it's elementary koo!