1 00:00:56,467 --> 00:00:58,969 # Can't you see it's all over # 2 00:00:59,004 --> 00:01:01,722 # For you and me, girl # 3 00:01:03,724 --> 00:01:09,730 # There's a time for love and a time for letting me be, baby 4 00:01:12,733 --> 00:01:16,862 # Jane, you're playing a game called # 5 00:01:16,897 --> 00:01:20,956 # How hard you get by its real name # 6 00:01:20,991 --> 00:01:26,747 # Making believe that you just don't feel the same # 7 00:01:26,782 --> 00:01:29,867 # Ah, Jane # 8 00:02:06,787 --> 00:02:08,789 Guys, we gotta get outta here. 9 00:02:39,069 --> 00:02:41,071 You guys aren't supposed to be out of your bunks. 10 00:02:41,572 --> 00:02:43,073 You're in trouble. 11 00:02:48,696 --> 00:02:52,199 Wake up! 12 00:02:52,333 --> 00:02:54,835 # Standing in the rain with his head hung low # 13 00:02:54,870 --> 00:02:57,303 # Couldn't get a ticket it was a sold-out show # 14 00:02:57,338 --> 00:03:01,091 # Heard the roar of the crowd he could picture the scene # 15 00:03:01,592 --> 00:03:05,095 # Put his head to the wall and like a distant scream # - I'm up! 16 00:03:05,130 --> 00:03:07,464 # He heard one guitar # 17 00:03:07,965 --> 00:03:09,466 # It just blew him away # 18 00:03:12,970 --> 00:03:14,972 You guys! 19 00:03:17,474 --> 00:03:18,976 Let's go, girls! You look hot. 20 00:03:19,476 --> 00:03:23,480 The bunk 5 boys are gonna freak out when they see you at kick ball. Let's go. 21 00:03:38,128 --> 00:03:39,630 Ow! 22 00:03:51,642 --> 00:03:54,144 All right, let's go. 23 00:04:07,775 --> 00:04:10,027 Good morning, everybody. 24 00:04:10,062 --> 00:04:12,244 Well, it's the last day of camp... 25 00:04:12,279 --> 00:04:15,282 and it will be sad to shut down WCFW for the summer. 26 00:04:15,783 --> 00:04:18,786 But not to worry, because those of you in the Bethesda/Chevy Chase area... 27 00:04:19,286 --> 00:04:23,791 Can hear me all winter long on Jewish Day School Radio 89.9 F.M... 28 00:04:24,291 --> 00:04:25,793 "The Fox." 29 00:04:26,293 --> 00:04:28,761 For those select few of you who went all summer, 30 00:04:28,796 --> 00:04:31,799 all eight weeks without finding that special someone, 31 00:04:31,834 --> 00:04:34,767 today is your day, 'cause you don't wanna go back home... 32 00:04:34,802 --> 00:04:38,305 and lie to your friends about a summer romance that didn't even happen. 33 00:04:38,806 --> 00:04:40,773 And you don't want to be the one person... 34 00:04:40,808 --> 00:04:44,812 who doesn't have anyone to kiss tonight after the talent show. 35 00:04:45,062 --> 00:04:48,565 So, seize the day, Camp Firewood, because it's your last. 36 00:05:27,855 --> 00:05:30,357 Coop, do you like watching me and Andy make out? 37 00:05:32,359 --> 00:05:34,827 No. What a weird thing to say. 38 00:05:34,862 --> 00:05:38,365 - You look so sexy in this sweatshirt. - Uh-huh. 39 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:40,332 - Your ass is so hot. - Stop it! 40 00:05:40,367 --> 00:05:42,619 - Do you want to be my boyfriend? - No. 41 00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:46,123 I get it. It's very funny. Stop. 42 00:05:49,126 --> 00:05:52,129 Oh, Coop, you know I'm just kidding. 43 00:05:52,164 --> 00:05:55,132 I know, and it's very, very funny. 44 00:05:55,167 --> 00:05:58,100 Okay. I'm sorry. 45 00:05:58,135 --> 00:06:01,603 - Want me to make it up to you? - No, you've done enough already. 46 00:06:01,638 --> 00:06:05,892 - I'm gonna find you a woman today. - Honestly, don't worry about it. 47 00:06:05,927 --> 00:06:10,112 No. And I'm not gonna rest until my mission is accomplished, okay? 48 00:06:10,147 --> 00:06:15,786 Okay. then I'll cancel that order of onions and Limburger cheese I made for lunch today. 49 00:06:15,821 --> 00:06:19,505 - Ha-ha. - Yeah. 50 00:06:19,540 --> 00:06:24,294 - I want you inside me. - What? 51 00:06:24,661 --> 00:06:26,914 Hey, what's up? I was just... 52 00:06:27,047 --> 00:06:28,549 from before. 53 00:06:33,170 --> 00:06:37,139 Coop, were you just talking to Katie? What was that? 54 00:06:37,174 --> 00:06:41,678 That was, bar none, the longest conversation I've had with her in six years of camp. 55 00:06:41,713 --> 00:06:44,681 Does she want to fuck me? Is that what she was asking you about? 56 00:06:44,716 --> 00:06:47,149 Because, tell her that I will. In fact... 57 00:06:47,184 --> 00:06:49,651 no, don't tell her that I will. Tell her that I might. 58 00:06:49,686 --> 00:06:52,189 Victor, I hate to break it to you, but your name didn't even come up. 59 00:06:52,224 --> 00:06:54,156 She definitely wants to fuck me. 60 00:06:54,191 --> 00:06:57,194 Why else would she be talking to you? 61 00:06:57,694 --> 00:06:59,696 - No offense. - None taken. 62 00:07:02,332 --> 00:07:04,334 Hello. Hi. 63 00:07:04,835 --> 00:07:06,919 - Uh, hi. - Hi. I'm Beth. 64 00:07:06,954 --> 00:07:08,956 Nice to meet you. I'm Henry. 65 00:07:09,339 --> 00:07:11,842 I've been seeing you around, so I thought I'd take a chance... 66 00:07:12,342 --> 00:07:14,461 and introduce myself. 67 00:07:23,353 --> 00:07:25,355 - Thank you. - So... 68 00:07:27,224 --> 00:07:29,726 So, you work at the camp? 69 00:07:29,860 --> 00:07:31,862 - I'm the camp director. How about yourself? - Me? 70 00:07:32,362 --> 00:07:35,048 - I don't work over there. - No, I know. 71 00:07:35,083 --> 00:07:37,734 I'm the director. I would know... 72 00:07:37,868 --> 00:07:40,370 - if you were... - Right. You would know that. 73 00:07:42,739 --> 00:07:45,742 I teach astrophysics over at the college in the school year. 74 00:07:46,243 --> 00:07:48,245 And I came here this summer just to, you know, 75 00:07:48,745 --> 00:07:50,247 relax and reflect. 76 00:07:50,747 --> 00:07:53,500 Wow! You're a professor. What do you teach? 77 00:07:54,001 --> 00:07:56,003 Well, like I said before, astrophysics. 78 00:07:56,503 --> 00:08:01,508 I study space, stars, comets and that kind of thing. 79 00:08:01,543 --> 00:08:04,345 "Space... the final frontier." 80 00:08:04,380 --> 00:08:07,147 Right. Thanks for everything. 81 00:08:07,397 --> 00:08:10,365 Hey! You know what? It would be a great idea... 82 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:15,272 if you came by the camp and taught the campers about space. 83 00:08:15,307 --> 00:08:18,158 - No, I couldn't... - They'd love it. 84 00:08:18,659 --> 00:08:20,160 No, I couldn't possibly. 85 00:08:20,661 --> 00:08:23,163 - It would be just... - I said no! 86 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:25,282 Sorry. that was... 87 00:08:39,796 --> 00:08:42,764 Oh, Coop. Look at Abby. 88 00:08:42,799 --> 00:08:44,801 Oh, she wants to fuck me. So help me God. 89 00:08:44,836 --> 00:08:47,269 She wants to fuck me. 90 00:08:47,304 --> 00:08:49,306 And this time, Victor, I'm sure it's true. 91 00:08:49,806 --> 00:08:54,311 I have to admit. Abby Bernstein is one of the only berry bushes... 92 00:08:54,346 --> 00:08:56,778 that I have yet to pollinate, if you get my meaning. 93 00:08:56,813 --> 00:08:59,816 You mean, she's the only girl at camp you haven't done it with yet? 94 00:08:59,851 --> 00:09:01,783 That's exactly what I mean. 95 00:09:01,818 --> 00:09:04,321 Hey, Gene. Any mashed potatoes? 96 00:09:08,825 --> 00:09:11,328 Gary! Bring out the taters! 97 00:09:13,330 --> 00:09:15,297 Here they are. Hey, Gary. 98 00:09:15,332 --> 00:09:17,834 - Hey, dude, what's up? - Hey, guys. 99 00:09:17,869 --> 00:09:20,802 What'd you say, shithead? 100 00:09:20,837 --> 00:09:24,306 I said, "hey, guys." What's your glitz, Gene? 101 00:09:24,341 --> 00:09:27,844 Listen to me, you fucked-up little cigarette-smoking piece of shit. 102 00:09:27,879 --> 00:09:30,347 I was in the Vietnam war. 103 00:09:30,847 --> 00:09:32,814 - I know. - Oh, yeah. 104 00:09:32,849 --> 00:09:36,853 The 'Nam. 105 00:09:36,987 --> 00:09:38,989 Excuse me, ladies. You may remember me... 106 00:09:39,489 --> 00:09:43,493 as the guy who came to dinner a few weeks ago with underwear on my head. 107 00:09:43,610 --> 00:09:45,577 My name is Keith Stack. 108 00:09:45,612 --> 00:09:49,616 From Millburn, New Jersey. State bird: The Mosquito. 109 00:09:49,750 --> 00:09:52,753 And as you may have heard, I am recently... 110 00:09:52,788 --> 00:09:56,221 a crowned class-b Dungeon Master. 111 00:09:56,256 --> 00:09:58,759 So if any of you would like to play "D & D" today, 112 00:09:58,794 --> 00:10:02,763 please speak now or forever hold your peace. 113 00:10:03,013 --> 00:10:06,481 Anyone? 114 00:10:06,516 --> 00:10:10,352 Alexa, maybe you'd like to join in? 115 00:10:10,387 --> 00:10:13,390 We do need a druid, and you have definitely cast... 116 00:10:13,425 --> 00:10:15,910 a level-five charm spell on me. 117 00:10:15,945 --> 00:10:18,395 In your dreams, douche bag. 118 00:10:18,895 --> 00:10:21,898 Douche bags are hygienic products. I take that as a compliment. 119 00:10:22,399 --> 00:10:25,152 - Thank you. - Ewww! Ewww! 120 00:10:36,163 --> 00:10:38,665 Well, we made it to the end of the summer in one piece, 121 00:10:39,166 --> 00:10:41,668 Except for a few campers who are lepers. 122 00:10:41,703 --> 00:10:43,670 Good one, Beth. 123 00:10:45,672 --> 00:10:48,175 Thank you, Gene. 124 00:10:53,430 --> 00:10:58,435 Excuse me. Could you tell me where I could find the, uh... 125 00:10:58,935 --> 00:11:03,440 How do I put this? The, uh, sci-fi, 126 00:11:03,475 --> 00:11:06,443 nerdy, indoor kids? 127 00:11:06,943 --> 00:11:09,446 - Bunk 3. - Oh, yeah. thanks. 128 00:11:14,451 --> 00:11:17,454 Hey, guys. 129 00:11:17,954 --> 00:11:20,457 I'm associate Professor Neumann. 130 00:11:20,957 --> 00:11:23,460 Who'd like to spend the last day at camp doing science projects? 131 00:11:26,463 --> 00:11:29,216 Okay, okay. Okay, cool. 132 00:11:35,472 --> 00:11:38,475 I've seen more fucked-up shit happen in five minutes out there... 133 00:11:38,510 --> 00:11:40,942 than you'll see in your whole fucking life. 134 00:11:40,977 --> 00:11:44,731 Gene, I'm really sorry, you know. If I could change history, I would. 135 00:11:44,766 --> 00:11:48,485 Fuck you! We need to make eight gallons of bug juice by snack hour. 136 00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:51,488 Do you know where the powder packets are? 137 00:11:51,988 --> 00:11:55,492 In the pantry over the sink, right next to my bottle of dick cream! 138 00:11:55,527 --> 00:11:57,494 Wait. 139 00:11:58,495 --> 00:12:00,497 Ignore that last comment. 140 00:12:00,532 --> 00:12:02,499 - Did you say dick cream? - No. 141 00:12:02,999 --> 00:12:05,001 I said stick team. 142 00:12:05,502 --> 00:12:08,004 You know, stickball? Forget about it. Go away! Leave me alone. 143 00:12:10,507 --> 00:12:12,509 I'm pretty sure he said dick cream, but... 144 00:12:12,544 --> 00:12:15,011 Victor. 145 00:12:15,512 --> 00:12:19,015 I need you and Neil to take The Eagles out on Moose river. I made them a promise. 146 00:12:19,516 --> 00:12:22,018 It's the last day of camp. It's not gonna work for me. 147 00:12:22,053 --> 00:12:23,985 - It's not gonna work for you? - No. 148 00:12:24,020 --> 00:12:27,657 It's not gonna work for you. Okay, how about this as a compromise? 149 00:12:27,692 --> 00:12:30,928 The Eagles are going to go out on Moose river... 150 00:12:30,963 --> 00:12:34,164 - and you and Neil are going to take them. - What? 151 00:12:34,664 --> 00:12:37,132 Everybody focus up. All eyes here. 152 00:12:37,167 --> 00:12:40,170 I would like to announce that Ben and I are planning to produce a musical number... 153 00:12:40,205 --> 00:12:43,440 from godspell for the talent show tonight. 154 00:12:43,475 --> 00:12:46,641 I'm sorry. Ben is producing, I am directing/choreographing. 155 00:12:46,676 --> 00:12:49,679 I'm speaking from personal experience, but if you can't carry a tune... 156 00:12:49,714 --> 00:12:52,147 don't come to the audition and waste our time. 157 00:12:52,182 --> 00:12:54,684 - We're serious. - And bring a lot of movement clothes, 158 00:12:55,185 --> 00:12:58,688 A.K.A. jazz shoes, dance belts, lycras, et al. 159 00:12:58,723 --> 00:13:00,655 and seriously, F.Y.I., you guys, 160 00:13:00,690 --> 00:13:03,693 this is not an excuse to get out of your regular activities. 161 00:13:03,728 --> 00:13:06,696 This is an excuse to do some good musical theater. 162 00:13:06,731 --> 00:13:09,164 So, be prepared, be enthusiastic... 163 00:13:09,199 --> 00:13:12,702 and leave your bullshit attitude and baggage at the door, 'cause we don't need it! 164 00:13:12,737 --> 00:13:14,704 Hey, you guys! 165 00:13:15,071 --> 00:13:19,576 Oh, I was thinking maybe we could take a walk later, 166 00:13:19,611 --> 00:13:22,579 maybe go out to Gunner's Pass one last time. 167 00:13:23,079 --> 00:13:25,547 Goddamn it, Katie! You're suffocating me! 168 00:13:25,582 --> 00:13:27,549 I'm chokin', all right? Give me some breathing room. 169 00:13:27,584 --> 00:13:31,588 I just want to spend some time with you. It's our last day at camp. 170 00:13:31,623 --> 00:13:34,858 - My butt itches. - What are you talking about? 171 00:13:34,893 --> 00:13:38,059 - We're soul mates, right? - What? Yeah. 172 00:13:38,094 --> 00:13:42,098 Whatever, if you want. J.J., save me a waffle, man. 173 00:13:42,599 --> 00:13:44,566 Andy, I'm serious. Come on. 174 00:13:44,601 --> 00:13:48,104 I just want it to be special. Fuck you, dyke! 175 00:13:48,605 --> 00:13:51,608 - Why are you being such an asshole? - I gotta finish my breakfast. 176 00:13:51,643 --> 00:13:55,111 I love you, baby. So good talking to you. 177 00:13:57,614 --> 00:13:59,616 Yeah, see you in macrame. 178 00:14:09,009 --> 00:14:11,378 One last, successful B.K.F.S.T... 179 00:14:11,878 --> 00:14:14,346 becomes one for the record books. 180 00:14:14,381 --> 00:14:17,384 And with t-minus 11 hours to the big talent show, 181 00:14:17,419 --> 00:14:20,404 we sail on aboard the good ship Firewood... 182 00:14:20,439 --> 00:14:23,390 toward a little oasis that I like to call... 183 00:14:23,425 --> 00:14:26,858 morning activity time. 184 00:14:26,893 --> 00:14:28,860 What's going on with Silas? 185 00:14:28,895 --> 00:14:31,997 You didn't hear? He got kicked out of camp. - Why? 186 00:14:32,032 --> 00:14:35,902 He snuck into the office and videotaped himself jerking off. - You're kidding! 187 00:14:36,152 --> 00:14:37,654 - Where's the tape? - He hid it. 188 00:14:38,154 --> 00:14:43,159 - We gotta get that tape. - It's a subject matter I'm sure you're familiar with, McKinley. 189 00:14:43,194 --> 00:14:44,941 - Shut up, J.J. - You shut up. 190 00:14:44,942 --> 00:14:46,842 - You shut up. - You shut up. 191 00:14:58,058 --> 00:15:01,061 One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. 192 00:15:01,561 --> 00:15:04,564 And one, and one. Step aside. Step aside. 193 00:15:17,444 --> 00:15:18,945 All right. Stop it! 194 00:15:21,197 --> 00:15:25,201 Okay, kids. Um, today we're going to use... 195 00:15:25,236 --> 00:15:28,204 some crayons... 196 00:15:28,588 --> 00:15:31,591 to make some decorations for the talent show. 197 00:15:37,097 --> 00:15:39,599 - Is that your wedding ring, Gail? - Um, no. 198 00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:43,228 I mean, yes, actually. Yes, it is. It was. 199 00:15:43,263 --> 00:15:46,356 It was. It used to be, I mean, legally. 200 00:15:46,606 --> 00:15:50,610 It's so twisted. His lawyer won't even call me now. 201 00:15:50,977 --> 00:15:54,114 - Where are the crayons? - The crayons are... 202 00:15:54,230 --> 00:15:56,983 the crayon is right there. 203 00:15:57,233 --> 00:15:59,736 We could draw with the markers. 204 00:15:59,771 --> 00:16:02,739 Listen, Valerie, 205 00:16:03,239 --> 00:16:05,206 I need you to be helpful here, okay? 206 00:16:05,241 --> 00:16:08,244 I do not need you to undermine me, okay? 207 00:16:08,745 --> 00:16:11,497 But there's only one crayon, and it's brown. 208 00:16:11,532 --> 00:16:14,250 There are literally hundreds of colored markers. 209 00:16:28,398 --> 00:16:30,016 Hey. 210 00:16:31,518 --> 00:16:33,520 Going on your trip? 211 00:16:33,653 --> 00:16:36,121 Yep. 212 00:16:36,156 --> 00:16:38,658 Sucks dick we never got to know each other. 213 00:16:38,908 --> 00:16:40,910 Yeah. 214 00:16:41,277 --> 00:16:42,779 You got a stick of gum, Victor? 215 00:16:43,279 --> 00:16:45,281 I thought you'd never ask. 216 00:17:02,932 --> 00:17:06,686 Abby! My trip... it doesn't come back until tomorrow. 217 00:17:06,721 --> 00:17:09,689 - Don't go. - I can't, because Beth told me... 218 00:17:12,809 --> 00:17:15,276 Let's go. 219 00:17:15,311 --> 00:17:19,566 # Get ready get set, baby # I'll be back tonight. 220 00:17:19,699 --> 00:17:22,202 # Leaving tomorrow so get ready # 221 00:17:22,702 --> 00:17:26,706 # Get ready get set, baby # Tonight. 222 00:17:26,741 --> 00:17:28,673 Ah! 223 00:17:28,708 --> 00:17:32,677 This is "The Beekeeper" here on Camp Firewood radio. 224 00:17:32,712 --> 00:17:37,333 I've got my drones working hard on a breakfast time rock... Hey. 225 00:17:37,368 --> 00:17:41,337 - Arty, I need you to take a shower. - Okay. 226 00:17:41,838 --> 00:17:44,841 Your parents are coming tomorrow. I don't want to get in trouble. 227 00:17:44,876 --> 00:17:47,844 - Sure. - You haven't taken a shower once yet this summer. 228 00:17:47,879 --> 00:17:51,848 - Fine. No problem. - Arty, take a shower. 229 00:17:52,348 --> 00:17:54,350 You're covered in dirt. 230 00:17:54,385 --> 00:17:56,352 Fine. 231 00:17:58,354 --> 00:18:00,731 This is Arty Solomon here. 232 00:18:00,766 --> 00:18:03,074 Alias, "The Beekeeper." 233 00:18:03,109 --> 00:18:08,114 - You guys, I'm really gonna miss this place. - Me too. 234 00:18:08,364 --> 00:18:13,870 Hey, let's all promise that in ten years from today we'll meet again... 235 00:18:13,905 --> 00:18:15,622 and we'll see what kind of people we've blossomed into. 236 00:18:15,657 --> 00:18:18,590 - Yeah! - What time you wanna meet? 237 00:18:18,625 --> 00:18:21,127 - You mean ten years from now? - Yeah. 238 00:18:21,377 --> 00:18:23,379 Let's meet in the morning so we can make a day of it. 239 00:18:23,414 --> 00:18:26,149 Okay, so what is it? Is it like 9:00 or 9:30? 240 00:18:26,184 --> 00:18:28,885 Let's say 9:00, that way we can be here by 9:30. 241 00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:31,236 Why don't we say 9:30, 242 00:18:31,271 --> 00:18:33,773 and then make it your beeswax to be here at 9:30? 243 00:18:34,274 --> 00:18:38,278 We're gonna be in our late 20's. I don't see any reason we can't be places on time. 244 00:18:38,394 --> 00:18:41,397 Okay, it's settled. 9:30 it is. 245 00:18:41,432 --> 00:18:44,365 - All agreed? - Agreed. 246 00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:47,368 Great, 'cause I have something at 11:00. 247 00:18:47,403 --> 00:18:50,371 You've got a trapper keeper full of appointments, right? 248 00:18:50,406 --> 00:18:53,910 No, I have something at 11:00 that I can't change 'cause I already moved it twice. 249 00:18:58,047 --> 00:19:00,014 What are you looking at? 250 00:19:00,049 --> 00:19:03,017 Is there a U.F.O. in the sky? 251 00:19:03,052 --> 00:19:07,056 No, no. It's nothing you need worry about... 252 00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:13,062 Yet. 253 00:19:19,435 --> 00:19:23,439 Andy? Are you gonna clean that up? 254 00:19:23,474 --> 00:19:25,907 Oh, yeah, I will. 255 00:19:25,942 --> 00:19:29,410 Uh, I just got... I don't have time now. 256 00:19:29,445 --> 00:19:32,582 Clean it up and come to my office for the meeting. 257 00:19:33,082 --> 00:19:35,084 I gotta... 258 00:20:04,230 --> 00:20:06,232 Damn! 259 00:20:25,385 --> 00:20:29,389 - Gail, are you okay? - Yeah, I'm okay. 260 00:20:31,391 --> 00:20:34,394 It's just that my husband Ron... 261 00:20:34,429 --> 00:20:36,914 You know... no, he's my ex-husband. 262 00:20:36,949 --> 00:20:39,399 I guess I have to get used to that. 263 00:20:39,899 --> 00:20:42,402 I have to get used to saying ex, ex, ex. 264 00:20:42,769 --> 00:20:46,120 He's my ex, ex-husband. 265 00:20:46,155 --> 00:20:50,660 You know, it's just that I thought, like... 266 00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:54,163 when Jonas and I separated, I thought everything was lost. 267 00:20:54,198 --> 00:20:55,880 And then I met Ron... 268 00:20:55,915 --> 00:21:01,421 and it just seemed like everything was gonna work out, you know? 269 00:21:01,537 --> 00:21:05,291 Keep going. We're with you. I'm a total wreck! I don't even know where the crayons are. 270 00:21:05,675 --> 00:21:10,179 - I know, I know. Gail, listen to me. - I'm a loser. What? 271 00:21:10,214 --> 00:21:14,684 - Ron's who he is and you can't change that. - I know. 272 00:21:14,719 --> 00:21:16,651 Okay? 273 00:21:16,686 --> 00:21:19,438 - Gail, listen to me. Look at me. - I am. 274 00:21:19,473 --> 00:21:22,191 Gail, look at me. Gail, look at me. 275 00:21:22,692 --> 00:21:24,694 I want you to say "okay." 276 00:21:26,195 --> 00:21:28,197 - Why? - I want you to say "okay." 277 00:21:30,199 --> 00:21:33,167 - Okay. - Okay. Good. 278 00:21:33,202 --> 00:21:35,455 I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you all... 279 00:21:35,490 --> 00:21:37,457 for making the last eight weeks, 280 00:21:37,957 --> 00:21:40,460 without rival, the best summer of my entire life. 281 00:21:42,829 --> 00:21:44,796 Okay, let's get to business. 282 00:21:44,831 --> 00:21:47,834 Coop, the camp goat took a shit in the infirmary. 283 00:21:48,334 --> 00:21:50,336 - I need you to take care of that, please. - That's impossible! 284 00:21:50,371 --> 00:21:54,305 It is possible, and it happened... on my shoes. 285 00:21:54,340 --> 00:21:57,844 Abby, bunk 8 wants to watch The China Syndrome again, so run the betamax. 286 00:21:58,344 --> 00:22:01,312 - Again? - What can I say? They love it. McKinley. 287 00:22:01,347 --> 00:22:05,234 Four lower campers are stuck in the ropes course. I meant to tell you yesterday. 288 00:22:05,601 --> 00:22:08,604 Could you get to it now? And last, but certainly not least, 289 00:22:09,105 --> 00:22:11,491 tonight is the big talent show. 290 00:22:11,858 --> 00:22:14,360 We have a lot of hard work ahead of us. A few ground rules... 291 00:22:14,744 --> 00:22:17,246 Hey. Hey! 292 00:22:17,747 --> 00:22:20,750 I'm serious here. I am not joking around. 293 00:22:21,250 --> 00:22:24,754 I am not jok... I am not Ruth Buzzi standing here. 294 00:22:24,789 --> 00:22:27,623 I am no Ruth Buzzi standing here! 295 00:22:32,512 --> 00:22:35,381 Steve? What you got there? 296 00:22:36,632 --> 00:22:39,635 I have been programmed... 297 00:22:39,670 --> 00:22:41,602 by my galactic master... 298 00:22:41,637 --> 00:22:43,639 not to talk to earth denizens... 299 00:22:43,890 --> 00:22:47,894 of classifications J.J. and McKinley-I-zoid. 300 00:22:52,281 --> 00:22:55,785 - Your brother is such a freak. - I know. 301 00:22:55,820 --> 00:22:58,287 Katie, you're hot, right? 302 00:22:58,788 --> 00:23:02,792 By all accounts, you would be considered "hot." Is that correct? 303 00:23:02,827 --> 00:23:04,794 Uh, I suppose so. 304 00:23:05,294 --> 00:23:10,800 So if one wanted to be hot and make a good impression, what would you wear? 305 00:23:10,835 --> 00:23:13,302 You put on a clean pair of pants? 306 00:23:13,803 --> 00:23:16,806 Beth, come on. Pants? Are you kidding? 307 00:23:17,306 --> 00:23:19,308 Yes. Pants. 308 00:23:19,343 --> 00:23:21,275 Of course I'm kidding. 309 00:23:21,310 --> 00:23:24,313 You didn't get I'm kidding? Unless you're kidding. 310 00:23:24,348 --> 00:23:28,818 'cause pants, Katie. Come on, please. Pants. 311 00:23:28,853 --> 00:23:31,320 So would you... slacks? Pants? 312 00:23:31,821 --> 00:23:34,824 I don't know. I think I'd wear a sexy dress or something. 313 00:23:35,324 --> 00:23:37,326 That? Oh, you're good. Sexy dress. 314 00:23:37,361 --> 00:23:40,294 Okay. Uh, that's "a." 315 00:23:40,329 --> 00:23:44,834 Um, what else... what else would one do if one were... 316 00:23:44,869 --> 00:23:47,802 I'd do my hair. Oh, get out of town! 317 00:23:47,837 --> 00:23:51,841 I'm not getting out of town, and I'm serious. And I'd use a little mousse. 318 00:23:52,341 --> 00:23:55,845 Moose, as in... 319 00:23:56,345 --> 00:23:59,098 No, as "mousse" for your hair. Right! Right! 320 00:23:59,465 --> 00:24:02,468 - Okay. Wait a minute, Beth. Are you... - What? 321 00:24:02,718 --> 00:24:04,720 Huh? What's up? 322 00:24:05,104 --> 00:24:08,573 You dog! You have a crush on somebody! 323 00:24:08,608 --> 00:24:12,987 - I do have a crush. I just don't believe he's interested. - What? 324 00:24:13,022 --> 00:24:17,366 Beth, do not worry. Come with me and I will mousse you up. 325 00:24:23,122 --> 00:24:26,492 Hey, Andy, can I take out the motorboat and drive around the lake? 326 00:24:26,626 --> 00:24:30,496 - Sure. - Wow! Thanks. 327 00:24:30,997 --> 00:24:35,501 Just make sure you fill it up with gas when you're done, and watch out... 328 00:24:35,536 --> 00:24:37,503 Yeah, whatever. 329 00:24:44,510 --> 00:24:47,513 Man, I'd give anything for two minutes in the closet with Lindsay. 330 00:24:50,516 --> 00:24:53,019 - What about Katie? - Who? 331 00:24:53,519 --> 00:24:55,521 Excellent. 332 00:25:08,284 --> 00:25:11,287 Hey. Whatcha writin' on? 333 00:25:11,322 --> 00:25:13,254 My "gurnal." 334 00:25:13,289 --> 00:25:15,791 I write my thoughts in it every day. 335 00:25:15,826 --> 00:25:18,794 Oh, you mean a journal. 336 00:25:18,829 --> 00:25:20,761 Yeah, whatever. 337 00:25:20,796 --> 00:25:23,298 Guess I'm not all smart like you. 338 00:25:23,333 --> 00:25:25,766 Can I see what you're writing? 339 00:25:25,801 --> 00:25:30,306 Only three people are allowed to look at this... Me, myself and I. 340 00:25:30,341 --> 00:25:32,308 But I want you to share it with me. 341 00:25:35,311 --> 00:25:37,313 Hey! 342 00:25:41,067 --> 00:25:44,070 Let's see. Debbie Waxman? 343 00:25:44,570 --> 00:25:48,074 No. she makes that weird piggy face when she talks, you know? 344 00:25:48,109 --> 00:25:52,078 Yeah. okay, good. No piggy face. 345 00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:56,547 - Rachel Schwartz. - No. 346 00:25:56,582 --> 00:25:59,585 - Come on, she's a slut. She'll go. - I'll pass. 347 00:25:59,620 --> 00:26:02,553 - Yeah, you're not really a slut type. - Yes, I am. 348 00:26:02,588 --> 00:26:06,592 I love sluts. Sluts rock. It's just gotta be the right slut. 349 00:26:06,976 --> 00:26:08,978 What about Susie? 350 00:26:10,846 --> 00:26:13,814 Yeah. I could go for Susie. 351 00:26:13,849 --> 00:26:16,101 She and I went out my first summer here. 352 00:26:16,136 --> 00:26:18,354 - When you were ten? - Yeah, we were ten, 353 00:26:18,487 --> 00:26:20,489 But we were into some heavy shit. 354 00:26:20,990 --> 00:26:22,608 Did you go all the way? 355 00:26:23,109 --> 00:26:26,112 You bet we went all the way. We went all the way back too. 356 00:26:26,147 --> 00:26:28,579 We did doggy style, pony style. 357 00:26:28,614 --> 00:26:32,501 Style council. That's a good band. They're hot now. Human league. 358 00:26:32,536 --> 00:26:34,969 They have some good stuff. 359 00:26:35,004 --> 00:26:38,507 League of nations. That brings in the whole thing of united nations. 360 00:26:38,758 --> 00:26:41,260 That brings in the whole category of countries. 361 00:26:41,295 --> 00:26:44,729 Where to start? Well, the obvious one. 362 00:26:44,764 --> 00:26:49,268 The birthplace of spaghetti and pasta, all the oily stuff... Italy. 363 00:26:49,518 --> 00:26:52,021 - Now you go. - Um... 364 00:26:52,521 --> 00:26:55,524 - How about Italy? - Yeah, good! It's safe. 365 00:26:55,559 --> 00:26:58,527 I kind of paved the way with that one, but... 366 00:27:02,031 --> 00:27:03,532 What? 367 00:27:04,033 --> 00:27:06,035 - What? - Hey, guys. 368 00:27:07,653 --> 00:27:09,655 - Hi, Nancy. - Hi, Katie. 369 00:27:09,690 --> 00:27:11,657 Coop, goat shit. 370 00:27:19,298 --> 00:27:21,300 Whoo-hoo! Ow! 371 00:27:30,426 --> 00:27:32,928 Andy! Help me! 372 00:27:33,062 --> 00:27:35,064 - You french great. - Andy! 373 00:27:35,564 --> 00:27:39,568 - You're not so bad yourself, Mr. Man. - Andy, help me! 374 00:27:39,603 --> 00:27:43,572 - I can't swim! - Cut it out, bobby. You're fine. 375 00:27:43,607 --> 00:27:46,942 For chrissake, Andy, help me, I'm drowning. 376 00:27:52,698 --> 00:27:56,202 No, you can't hear the ocean, but you can learn a great deal about our world. 377 00:27:57,703 --> 00:28:00,831 - Hi, guys. - Hey, Beth. 378 00:28:00,866 --> 00:28:03,924 Like the new look. Tres chic. 379 00:28:03,959 --> 00:28:06,962 - Thank you, Henry. - Please, call me Henry. 380 00:28:06,997 --> 00:28:08,964 Okay, Henry it is. 381 00:28:09,465 --> 00:28:12,468 I see you decided to come teach the campers, Henry. 382 00:28:12,503 --> 00:28:15,471 Yeah. I'm sorry I snapped at you before. 383 00:28:15,971 --> 00:28:18,939 I'm a little shy around children. But it's been great! 384 00:28:18,974 --> 00:28:21,977 I've got them making miniature black holes with paper clips and soot. 385 00:28:22,012 --> 00:28:24,945 What you do is so fascinating! 386 00:28:24,980 --> 00:28:28,984 - You really like astrophysics? - I love it! It's my biggest hobby. I love it. 387 00:28:29,019 --> 00:28:33,989 Really? Okay. Who's your favorite astrophysicist? 388 00:28:34,024 --> 00:28:37,493 My fav... I totally know this one. 389 00:28:37,528 --> 00:28:39,495 Okay, any... 390 00:28:43,999 --> 00:28:46,502 - What time is it? - Um... 391 00:28:46,537 --> 00:28:48,469 9:00, 9:30. 392 00:28:48,504 --> 00:28:52,508 I'm so late. I have to go meet Jim... Stansel. 393 00:28:52,543 --> 00:28:55,511 - You know Jim? He's that guy. - Uh-huh. 394 00:28:56,011 --> 00:28:59,014 - So I'll talk to you later. Okay? - Okay. 395 00:28:59,049 --> 00:29:02,017 Okay. Okay. Later, then. 396 00:29:06,655 --> 00:29:09,658 Andy, have you seen my swimming buddy? 397 00:29:09,693 --> 00:29:11,625 Um... if I can't find him, 398 00:29:11,660 --> 00:29:14,163 I'm telling Beth that you let him drown. 399 00:29:14,663 --> 00:29:18,167 - I was busy. - It's your job to make sure kids don't drown. 400 00:29:18,202 --> 00:29:20,169 Lindsay, I need like 20 minutes, all right? 401 00:29:20,669 --> 00:29:23,172 Gotta talk to this kid. 402 00:29:23,672 --> 00:29:25,674 Andy, where are we going? 403 00:29:26,175 --> 00:29:27,676 To a big, secret pizza party. 404 00:29:28,177 --> 00:29:30,546 Wow! Cool. I love pizza. 405 00:29:30,581 --> 00:29:33,549 Yeah, well... 406 00:29:38,938 --> 00:29:41,440 Nancy! Hello. 407 00:29:41,557 --> 00:29:45,945 If I was looking for a book on astrophysics, where would I find one? 408 00:29:46,312 --> 00:29:49,315 Off the top of my head, I'd have to say a bookstore. 409 00:29:49,448 --> 00:29:51,916 - Or a library. - Right. 410 00:29:51,951 --> 00:29:53,953 Just curious. Keep up the good work. 411 00:29:54,203 --> 00:29:55,704 Okay. 412 00:29:58,324 --> 00:30:00,791 Excuse me. Uh, Nancy. 413 00:30:00,826 --> 00:30:03,212 Say I wanted to get a book on, um... 414 00:30:03,579 --> 00:30:05,581 What? 415 00:30:06,081 --> 00:30:09,585 - Camp directing, I guess. Would that be... - Henry. 416 00:30:09,835 --> 00:30:12,338 Henry! Library. 417 00:30:12,838 --> 00:30:16,909 Ooh. Thank you! 418 00:30:16,944 --> 00:30:20,980 Beth! Beth! 419 00:30:21,347 --> 00:30:24,483 If you're going into town, can you pick me up something at the drugstore? 420 00:30:24,600 --> 00:30:28,854 Beth, come on. My husband's coming today and I need some lube. 421 00:30:28,889 --> 00:30:30,856 For my pussy. 422 00:30:34,360 --> 00:30:36,327 Oh, cool! 423 00:30:36,362 --> 00:30:39,865 Beth's going into town. Let's go! Wait, wait! 424 00:30:44,119 --> 00:30:46,755 No, no, no. No, no, no, no. 425 00:30:46,872 --> 00:30:49,375 Come on, Coop! Come on! 426 00:30:56,632 --> 00:30:58,133 Whoo! 427 00:30:58,634 --> 00:31:00,636 Whoo! 428 00:31:01,020 --> 00:31:02,521 # Got a feeling tonight # 429 00:31:03,022 --> 00:31:06,025 # Though her daddy's makin' trouble it'll be all right # 430 00:31:06,275 --> 00:31:08,742 # I'm working hard I don't know why # 431 00:31:08,777 --> 00:31:12,281 # I'm like a working-class dog and I just get by # 432 00:31:12,531 --> 00:31:16,035 # Tonight I'm going out for a minute # 433 00:31:19,154 --> 00:31:21,156 # You know we're living on the brink # 434 00:31:21,657 --> 00:31:24,660 # Second by second by minute by minute # 435 00:31:25,160 --> 00:31:28,163 # Love is all right tonight # 436 00:31:37,172 --> 00:31:42,061 # Love is all right # 437 00:31:43,929 --> 00:31:47,933 # Love is all right # 438 00:31:48,434 --> 00:31:49,935 # Tonight # 439 00:32:06,585 --> 00:32:08,587 Come on. 440 00:32:17,096 --> 00:32:19,848 # All right # 441 00:32:19,883 --> 00:32:22,743 # It's gonna be all right # 442 00:32:22,778 --> 00:32:25,692 # It's gonna be all right # 443 00:32:25,727 --> 00:32:28,607 # It's gonna be all right # 444 00:32:30,109 --> 00:32:34,363 # Love is all right tonight # 445 00:32:35,864 --> 00:32:39,868 # Baby, we're gonna be all right # 446 00:32:40,235 --> 00:32:42,703 Hey, guys, how was Waterville? 447 00:32:42,738 --> 00:32:45,240 - It was really fun. - It's always fun to get away from camp, 448 00:32:45,741 --> 00:32:47,743 even for an hour. 449 00:32:49,244 --> 00:32:51,997 Katie! I'll see you later maybe? 450 00:32:52,032 --> 00:32:54,750 Definitely. 451 00:32:57,886 --> 00:32:59,888 Guys, wait up! 452 00:33:08,013 --> 00:33:09,980 How far away is this goddamn river? 453 00:33:10,015 --> 00:33:13,519 It's at least two hours, Vic. Try to forget about Abby. 454 00:33:13,554 --> 00:33:16,522 I can't, Neil, okay? This is my only chance. 455 00:33:17,022 --> 00:33:18,524 What are you talking about? 456 00:33:19,024 --> 00:33:21,527 I'm gonna tell you something, but I swear to God, if you tell anybody... 457 00:33:22,027 --> 00:33:25,280 - I swear to God! - What? Wha... 458 00:33:28,283 --> 00:33:31,286 - I'm a virgin. - Wha... 459 00:33:31,787 --> 00:33:34,254 You're joking. Right, dude? 460 00:33:34,289 --> 00:33:38,293 You're the stallion. You've had like 50 or 60 women, so I mean... 461 00:33:38,328 --> 00:33:42,297 Actually, it's closer to... zero. 462 00:33:43,799 --> 00:33:46,266 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 463 00:33:46,301 --> 00:33:48,303 You're a loser. You are a loser! 464 00:33:48,338 --> 00:33:51,073 Oh, my God. Don't. I... 465 00:33:51,108 --> 00:33:53,809 you're such a loser. 466 00:34:03,035 --> 00:34:05,502 - What? - What? 467 00:34:05,537 --> 00:34:07,539 You listen to me, Mr. Kickass. 468 00:34:08,040 --> 00:34:10,007 Mr. Rubber Burner. 469 00:34:10,042 --> 00:34:12,544 You wipe that hotshot grin off your face or I'll shoot it off you. 470 00:34:12,579 --> 00:34:15,047 You got that? Now finish up them taters. 471 00:34:15,547 --> 00:34:17,799 - I'm gonna go fondle my sweaters. - Come on. What? 472 00:34:17,834 --> 00:34:20,017 - Finish up the taters. - Then what did you say? 473 00:34:20,052 --> 00:34:23,055 - Then what did I say? - You said you were gonna go fondle your sweaters. 474 00:34:23,555 --> 00:34:26,023 I... no, I didn't. 475 00:34:26,058 --> 00:34:28,025 I said I'm gonna fondue with cheddar. 476 00:34:28,060 --> 00:34:30,562 I was thinking about making fondue with cheddar cheese for dinner tonight. 477 00:34:30,597 --> 00:34:34,683 - No, Gene, that is not what you said. - It is what I said. 478 00:34:34,718 --> 00:34:37,185 Fondue with cheddar. 479 00:34:37,220 --> 00:34:39,187 Okay, fine. 480 00:34:42,691 --> 00:34:44,826 Okay, see you later. 481 00:34:44,861 --> 00:34:47,794 See ya. 482 00:34:47,829 --> 00:34:50,832 I'm just gonna stop by my bunk for a real quick sec. 483 00:34:53,835 --> 00:34:56,338 Maybe you should talk to him. 484 00:34:56,455 --> 00:35:01,460 So rabbi Rothstein says, "sim, sim, sim, sim, ata..." 485 00:35:01,960 --> 00:35:03,927 Hey, McKinley. 486 00:35:03,962 --> 00:35:06,965 - Did you take that shower yet? - Yeah, of course. 487 00:35:07,000 --> 00:35:09,485 - Did you? - No. 488 00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:11,970 Take a shower. 489 00:35:14,473 --> 00:35:17,476 Sorry, folks for the "coitus interuptus," if you will. 490 00:35:17,609 --> 00:35:20,077 I know you're all hungry for the picnic, 491 00:35:20,112 --> 00:35:22,614 so don't eat too many barbecued bovine muscles. 492 00:35:22,649 --> 00:35:25,117 Those being hamburgers. Thank you. 493 00:35:29,371 --> 00:35:32,374 Gail, if I could just interject something here. 494 00:35:32,491 --> 00:35:36,745 This is gonna sound like I'm putting down my own gender, 495 00:35:36,780 --> 00:35:40,999 but the truth is, a lot of the time men can be real... 496 00:35:41,034 --> 00:35:44,002 and excuse the Yiddish... insensitive schmucks. 497 00:35:44,252 --> 00:35:46,755 - It's true. - I know. 498 00:35:47,255 --> 00:35:51,259 I know. It's just that I'm 34 years old. 499 00:35:51,643 --> 00:35:53,110 You know? 500 00:35:53,145 --> 00:35:56,648 I'm just afraid I'm never gonna meet anybody. 501 00:35:57,149 --> 00:35:59,151 - Shh. Just breathe. Shh. - It's so sad. 502 00:36:01,153 --> 00:36:05,157 Breathe. Shh. Just breathe. 503 00:36:05,192 --> 00:36:07,927 Oh, God! 504 00:36:07,962 --> 00:36:10,662 Your hands are magic. 505 00:36:10,779 --> 00:36:13,782 - There you go. - You, my friend, are a magician. 506 00:36:19,421 --> 00:36:21,388 Okay! 507 00:36:21,423 --> 00:36:24,926 Everyone! Immediately! Out of the van. 508 00:36:24,961 --> 00:36:27,429 Get out of the van. Out. Out. 509 00:36:28,930 --> 00:36:30,432 - What are you doing? - I'm going back to camp. 510 00:36:30,932 --> 00:36:33,900 - I'll come back in the morning and pick you up. - Wait a second. 511 00:36:33,935 --> 00:36:38,190 - What, Neil? - Wait a minute. You can't get there and back by sunup. 512 00:36:38,690 --> 00:36:42,194 I am going to be with Abby Bernstein tonight. And if you don't like it, you know what? 513 00:36:42,229 --> 00:36:45,697 You could just go ahead and fuck yourself! 514 00:36:45,732 --> 00:36:47,449 Hey! 515 00:36:51,203 --> 00:36:54,823 You're making a big mistake, Victor Pulak. 516 00:36:54,858 --> 00:36:57,075 A big mistake. 517 00:36:57,459 --> 00:37:00,462 # Even though we ain't got money # 518 00:37:00,497 --> 00:37:03,465 # I'm so in love with you, honey # 519 00:37:03,582 --> 00:37:06,084 # And everything will bring a chain # 520 00:37:06,119 --> 00:37:09,087 # Of love, yeah # 521 00:37:09,588 --> 00:37:12,090 # In the morning when I rise # 522 00:37:12,125 --> 00:37:14,092 # Bring a... # Oh, God! 523 00:37:15,594 --> 00:37:17,095 Oh, shit! 524 00:37:18,597 --> 00:37:20,599 Abby! 525 00:37:20,849 --> 00:37:23,601 # In the morning when I rise # 526 00:37:23,636 --> 00:37:26,354 # You bring a tear of joy to my eyes # 527 00:37:28,391 --> 00:37:31,324 Hey, Abby. 528 00:37:31,359 --> 00:37:34,863 - I thought this was a different bunk. - No. 529 00:37:34,996 --> 00:37:37,499 - Am I bothering you? - No, not at all. 530 00:37:37,999 --> 00:37:40,502 You wanna come sit on the bed? 531 00:38:01,523 --> 00:38:03,990 # Even though we ain't got money # 532 00:38:04,025 --> 00:38:07,529 # I'm so in love with you, honey # That sucks! 533 00:38:07,564 --> 00:38:10,497 # And everything will bring a chain # 534 00:38:10,532 --> 00:38:14,536 # Of love # Wait for me, Abby Bernstein. Wait for me, my darling. 535 00:38:15,036 --> 00:38:17,539 # And in the morning when I rise # Wait. 536 00:38:17,574 --> 00:38:20,507 What? What? 537 00:38:20,542 --> 00:38:22,544 I just want to take off my shirt. 538 00:38:24,296 --> 00:38:27,299 - Where are we going? - I don't know. Victor took the maps. 539 00:38:27,799 --> 00:38:30,302 - Shut up and paddle. - I want Victor back. 540 00:38:30,802 --> 00:38:34,306 - We all want him back, Sammy, but he's not coming back. - My name isn't Sammy. 541 00:38:34,806 --> 00:38:37,809 We'll die without him. He's the only one who can navigate the river. 542 00:38:37,844 --> 00:38:40,312 Fine, you're right. I'll find the son of a gun. 543 00:38:40,812 --> 00:38:44,816 I'll bring him back here if it's the last thing I do, dead or alive. 544 00:38:44,851 --> 00:38:46,568 Alive. We want him alive. 545 00:38:46,603 --> 00:38:49,070 Okay. Wait here. 546 00:38:55,076 --> 00:38:58,079 Okay. Okay. 547 00:38:58,580 --> 00:39:00,081 All right. 548 00:39:23,221 --> 00:39:27,225 # I was born to love I was born to dream # 549 00:39:27,359 --> 00:39:30,228 # The kinkiest boy you've ever seen # 550 00:39:30,263 --> 00:39:33,941 # I gotta do it my way # 551 00:39:33,976 --> 00:39:37,584 # Or no way at all # 552 00:39:37,619 --> 00:39:41,122 # So why don't you turn me loose # 553 00:39:41,623 --> 00:39:44,341 # Turn me loose # 554 00:39:44,376 --> 00:39:48,246 # I've gotta do it my way # 555 00:39:48,380 --> 00:39:52,884 # I wanna fly # 556 00:40:04,012 --> 00:40:06,014 Ahh! 557 00:40:15,907 --> 00:40:17,659 Oh, my God! 558 00:40:18,159 --> 00:40:20,662 Look at Lindsay's chicken wings. 559 00:40:21,162 --> 00:40:22,781 Debbie Epstein has, like, playboy titties! 560 00:40:23,031 --> 00:40:26,534 - It's just like klute! - Holy shit, you guys! Look, look, look. 561 00:40:26,785 --> 00:40:30,538 Bend over, yes. Take 'em off, take 'em off. Yes! Yes! 562 00:40:30,573 --> 00:40:34,042 Guys, I'm gonna catch up with you later, okay? 563 00:40:36,544 --> 00:40:38,511 Dude, that's kind of sad. 564 00:40:38,546 --> 00:40:42,050 He gets so uncomfortable whenever we talk openly about sexual issues. 565 00:40:42,085 --> 00:40:44,511 You know, he's never been with a girl before. 566 00:40:44,546 --> 00:40:46,938 McKinley needs to experience the ultimate. 567 00:40:47,055 --> 00:40:48,556 I think you know what I'm talking about. 568 00:40:49,057 --> 00:40:51,059 You mean penis in vagina? 569 00:40:51,094 --> 00:40:53,526 No, dickhead. Sex. 570 00:40:53,561 --> 00:40:56,564 Oh, oh, oh. 571 00:40:58,700 --> 00:41:01,202 They're total nymphos! Throw the ball! 572 00:41:01,237 --> 00:41:03,670 Yes! 573 00:41:03,705 --> 00:41:07,575 I'm sure we can convince one of the girls from bunk 10 to boink McKinley. 574 00:41:08,076 --> 00:41:10,543 They're really horny this summer. 575 00:41:10,578 --> 00:41:13,214 Where did he go, anyway? - I don't know. 576 00:41:13,715 --> 00:41:16,217 - Probably went to write his mommy and daddy a letter. - What a fag! 577 00:41:16,252 --> 00:41:19,220 - Who are we gonna set him up with? - How about Debbie? 578 00:41:19,255 --> 00:41:21,239 - No, she's got mono. - Right. 579 00:41:21,274 --> 00:41:23,189 - How about Debbie? - Who? 580 00:41:23,224 --> 00:41:27,228 - You know, Debbie Debbie. - Oh, Debbie Debbie. No, she's his cousin. 581 00:41:27,263 --> 00:41:31,232 - How about tall Debbie? - Too tall. 582 00:41:31,483 --> 00:41:34,986 How about Debbie freeman? She's in heat! 583 00:41:35,487 --> 00:41:38,490 - She wants to french. - No, you shithead. She wants to get boned. 584 00:41:38,525 --> 00:41:41,324 - Then I want her. - You're being ridiculous. 585 00:41:41,359 --> 00:41:43,862 I'm not being ridiculous! I'm just saying I want her. 586 00:41:43,897 --> 00:41:45,829 This isn't about you. This is about McKinley. 587 00:41:45,864 --> 00:41:49,868 Haven't you been listening to what we've been saying? We're trying to get our friend laid. 588 00:41:49,903 --> 00:41:54,372 - Ah! point taken. - Okay. Tonight... 589 00:41:54,873 --> 00:41:57,375 - Get McKinley laid. - Come hell or high water? 590 00:41:57,410 --> 00:41:59,342 Secret handshake? 591 00:41:59,377 --> 00:42:01,880 Get McKinley laid! 592 00:42:24,285 --> 00:42:25,787 As everybody knows, 593 00:42:26,287 --> 00:42:30,909 today is the big culminating, climactic softball game... 594 00:42:30,944 --> 00:42:34,412 - against evil Camp Tiger Claw. - Boo! 595 00:42:34,913 --> 00:42:36,915 We have put together an unlikely... 596 00:42:37,165 --> 00:42:40,668 team of misfits, and we've been training like crazy all summer. 597 00:42:41,169 --> 00:42:43,671 Yeah, it's a motley crew that you'd think... 598 00:42:44,172 --> 00:42:45,673 would never be able to win a single game. 599 00:42:46,174 --> 00:42:49,177 We had a kooky training period where it seemed like... 600 00:42:49,212 --> 00:42:52,180 it seemed like nothing was gonna go right. But, guys, 601 00:42:52,313 --> 00:42:54,280 somehow we made it to the finals. 602 00:42:54,315 --> 00:42:58,686 So I say, when those anonymously evil campers from Tiger Claw get here, 603 00:42:59,187 --> 00:43:02,690 we give it our best shot, and we try to come from behind at the last minute... 604 00:43:02,725 --> 00:43:05,693 with some weird trick play that we made up and we win the game. 605 00:43:05,728 --> 00:43:08,196 What do you say, team? 606 00:43:08,446 --> 00:43:09,948 It sounds like well-worn territory. 607 00:43:10,448 --> 00:43:12,450 The whole thing feels kind of trite. I say we forget it. 608 00:43:12,700 --> 00:43:15,203 - Is that how everybody feels? - Yeah. 609 00:43:15,238 --> 00:43:16,955 Well, it's fine with me. 610 00:43:28,466 --> 00:43:31,970 So listen, they just aren't into it. It's kind of trite. 611 00:43:32,005 --> 00:43:34,472 Yeah, you're right. No problem, man. 612 00:43:34,507 --> 00:43:37,475 It's sort of hackneyed. Tried and done before. 613 00:43:37,510 --> 00:43:39,477 See you later, man. 614 00:43:43,481 --> 00:43:45,984 It's no big deal. they were totally cool. 615 00:43:46,019 --> 00:43:47,986 Okay? All right. 616 00:43:54,742 --> 00:43:57,745 Susie is gonna score with McKinley. 617 00:43:58,246 --> 00:44:00,748 Then he's gonna need some eyewitnesses for verification. 618 00:44:00,882 --> 00:44:02,383 Let's go! 619 00:44:08,756 --> 00:44:12,576 Why does she still have her clothes on? 620 00:44:12,611 --> 00:44:16,397 - Looks like she's playing the flute. - Oh, wow. kinky. 621 00:44:21,019 --> 00:44:23,486 As bared witness by myself, 622 00:44:23,521 --> 00:44:28,026 All of Camp Firewood and the higher power, however you define it, 623 00:44:28,409 --> 00:44:31,412 I hereby consecrate and sanctify the union... 624 00:44:31,663 --> 00:44:34,130 of McKinley and Ben. 625 00:44:34,165 --> 00:44:37,418 May their majestic and blessed love... 626 00:44:37,453 --> 00:44:40,672 flourish all the days of their lives. 627 00:44:42,173 --> 00:44:44,175 - Amen. - Amen. 628 00:44:44,425 --> 00:44:46,044 Amen. 629 00:44:49,931 --> 00:44:52,433 McKinley's a fag. 630 00:44:52,934 --> 00:44:56,437 - McKinley's a fag with Ben! - What are we gonna do? 631 00:44:57,705 --> 00:44:59,991 Capture the flag! 632 00:45:12,654 --> 00:45:15,657 Hey, aren't you gonna eat anything? 633 00:45:16,157 --> 00:45:17,659 I'm not hungry. 634 00:45:20,161 --> 00:45:23,665 So, you haven't made many friends this summer, have you? 635 00:45:23,700 --> 00:45:26,132 No, I have not. 636 00:45:26,167 --> 00:45:30,054 - Let's drop the robot voice, shall we? - Okay. 637 00:45:30,421 --> 00:45:34,058 - This your first summer here? - Fifth. You were my counselor... 638 00:45:34,175 --> 00:45:36,142 - three times. - Now I'm the camp director. 639 00:45:36,177 --> 00:45:39,681 If there's anything I can do to make your last day more enjoyable, let me know. 640 00:45:39,716 --> 00:45:41,648 Really? 641 00:45:41,683 --> 00:45:45,186 I have an idea. How about whatever you've been working on is your talent tonight? 642 00:45:45,221 --> 00:45:48,154 That way, the other campers can get to know you. 643 00:45:48,189 --> 00:45:52,076 - It's not a song or anything. - It's okay. I'll have Susie put you on the list. 644 00:45:52,577 --> 00:45:55,079 Oh, God! Thank you! 645 00:45:56,581 --> 00:45:59,450 - How was the waterfront this morning? - It was good. 646 00:45:59,951 --> 00:46:02,829 We gonna get a chance to spend time together? 647 00:46:02,864 --> 00:46:05,707 Are you gonna pound this into my face all day? 648 00:46:05,742 --> 00:46:08,174 Sorry. 649 00:46:08,209 --> 00:46:11,177 Apology accepted. 650 00:46:11,212 --> 00:46:14,716 Guess what. A bunch of us went into town and got ice cream and hamburgers... 651 00:46:14,751 --> 00:46:16,718 It smells like the ribs are ready. 652 00:46:21,222 --> 00:46:24,941 Beth, I may regret saying this, 653 00:46:24,976 --> 00:46:29,981 - but how dare you usurp my authority as producer... - Hmpf! 654 00:46:30,016 --> 00:46:31,983 Director/choreographer of the talent show? 655 00:46:32,483 --> 00:46:34,986 You were wrong to do that! 656 00:46:35,119 --> 00:46:37,587 I have been busting my balls, woman! 657 00:46:37,622 --> 00:46:40,625 I am telling you, the musical numbers are a mess, 658 00:46:41,125 --> 00:46:43,593 my kids are a bunch of amateurs, 659 00:46:43,628 --> 00:46:46,881 and the last thing I need today is some diabetic freak... 660 00:46:46,916 --> 00:46:50,134 prancing around on stage making my life a living hell! 661 00:46:52,136 --> 00:46:54,756 All right, I'll put him last. 662 00:46:55,006 --> 00:46:57,008 Good. 663 00:46:57,508 --> 00:46:59,510 Oh, she always wins! 664 00:47:01,512 --> 00:47:04,515 Don't pick it up, stupid! 665 00:47:04,550 --> 00:47:07,352 Stop picking it up! 666 00:47:07,387 --> 00:47:10,119 You see? this is us, 667 00:47:10,154 --> 00:47:15,660 and we're traveling around the sun. 668 00:47:16,160 --> 00:47:21,666 That's a 1.3 million mile trip every year! 669 00:47:21,701 --> 00:47:24,133 Radical. 670 00:47:24,168 --> 00:47:27,672 You might say that each and every one of us... 671 00:47:27,707 --> 00:47:31,175 is a crew member here on spaceship earth. 672 00:47:31,676 --> 00:47:34,178 - When would we say that? - Any time. 673 00:47:34,213 --> 00:47:37,146 Dinner. Literally any time. 674 00:47:37,181 --> 00:47:41,052 You're amazing. I hope I can come to your college and you can be my professor. 675 00:47:41,087 --> 00:47:44,520 Actually, I, uh... 676 00:47:44,555 --> 00:47:48,059 I'm just an associate professor. 677 00:47:48,309 --> 00:47:50,311 - What does that mean? - Melvyn! 678 00:47:50,346 --> 00:47:52,313 No, no, it's all right. 679 00:47:52,563 --> 00:47:54,815 it means, Melvyn... 680 00:47:54,850 --> 00:47:57,068 It means that I'm... 681 00:48:01,072 --> 00:48:03,074 less than. 682 00:48:10,581 --> 00:48:12,583 Oh, God! 683 00:48:16,220 --> 00:48:18,723 Hey! What's goin' on? 684 00:48:20,341 --> 00:48:22,844 Hey, Beth. We're just having ourselves a little cry. 685 00:48:27,598 --> 00:48:29,565 I know what this group needs. 686 00:48:29,600 --> 00:48:32,603 How 'bout we grab some lunch and watch the "capture the flag" game? 687 00:48:32,638 --> 00:48:36,491 - What do you say? - I think we'll take a rain check, Beth. 688 00:48:36,991 --> 00:48:40,995 - We're in the middle of some pretty interesting stuff. - I'll make you a deal. 689 00:48:41,362 --> 00:48:43,830 You come watch the "capture the flag game" with the normal kids, 690 00:48:43,865 --> 00:48:47,368 and then you can have the whole rest of the day to learn about planets, stars, 691 00:48:47,869 --> 00:48:50,872 pulsars, heliocentricity, gravitational collapse... 692 00:48:51,255 --> 00:48:52,722 and the science of celestial mechanics... 693 00:48:52,757 --> 00:48:55,760 as shown through the work of the 19th century scientists... 694 00:48:55,795 --> 00:49:00,264 Alexis Clairaut, Jean d'Alembert and Pierre Laplace. 695 00:49:00,299 --> 00:49:03,017 - Okay? Ready? - Okay! 696 00:49:03,384 --> 00:49:06,020 Break! 697 00:49:09,023 --> 00:49:13,027 Gee, I was really impressed by some of the stuff you said back there. 698 00:49:13,062 --> 00:49:17,497 - Oh, it was... - No, Beth, you know what you're talking about. 699 00:49:17,532 --> 00:49:19,534 I don't know where you find the time to learn about astrophysics. 700 00:49:20,034 --> 00:49:23,538 I mean, with camp payroll and insurance to deal with. 701 00:49:24,038 --> 00:49:27,041 Keeping parents happy, supervising a young staff. 702 00:49:27,076 --> 00:49:30,009 - Keeping everyone fed. - Wow. 703 00:49:30,044 --> 00:49:34,048 It was in 1908 that the first American summer camps were founded in the Catskills. 704 00:49:37,301 --> 00:49:40,304 - Is there any more corn? - What? 705 00:49:40,805 --> 00:49:43,808 - More corn. - Oh, dude. 706 00:49:43,843 --> 00:49:46,811 - You got... - What, dude? 707 00:49:46,928 --> 00:49:49,430 What? What are you doing with your hand? 708 00:49:49,465 --> 00:49:52,031 On your face. You, uh... 709 00:49:52,066 --> 00:49:55,034 Cat got your tongue, Andy? What is it? 710 00:49:55,069 --> 00:49:57,822 You have barbecue sauce all over your face. 711 00:49:57,939 --> 00:50:00,942 - I know that. So? - It's pretty foul. 712 00:50:01,325 --> 00:50:06,831 It's just barbecue sauce. Come on. I wanna make out. 713 00:50:09,333 --> 00:50:11,335 Okay, but not here. 714 00:50:17,842 --> 00:50:20,309 What's it like being a professor? 715 00:50:20,344 --> 00:50:25,349 - What do they say, "publish or perish"? - Well, perish mostly. 716 00:50:25,384 --> 00:50:27,852 I'm up for tenure this fall. 717 00:50:28,352 --> 00:50:30,855 If I don't make my mark soon, I could end up out of work. 718 00:50:31,355 --> 00:50:33,858 But you're so talented! 719 00:50:34,358 --> 00:50:36,360 Tell that to my dean. 720 00:50:37,862 --> 00:50:41,365 Okay. Okay, what's his address? 721 00:50:41,400 --> 00:50:44,333 You serious? 56 Linden Lane. 722 00:50:44,368 --> 00:50:47,954 - Okay. City? - God, you're really... Augusta. 723 00:50:47,989 --> 00:50:50,992 - State? - I can't believe... well, Maine, of course. 724 00:50:51,492 --> 00:50:55,461 - ZIP? - This is... 04139. 725 00:50:55,496 --> 00:50:57,999 - Does he have an apartment number? - No! 726 00:50:58,499 --> 00:51:03,004 Beth, this is incredible. I don't know how to thank you. 727 00:51:03,039 --> 00:51:06,507 You already have, Henry. You already have. 728 00:51:15,650 --> 00:51:19,153 This is crazy. This is crazy. 729 00:52:23,751 --> 00:52:26,253 That's it, Lars. 730 00:52:26,754 --> 00:52:28,756 Good. Keep your feet together. 731 00:52:28,791 --> 00:52:30,391 You got it. Good. 732 00:52:33,644 --> 00:52:35,611 Aah! 733 00:52:35,646 --> 00:52:39,266 You taste like a burger. I don't like you anymore. 734 00:52:41,519 --> 00:52:43,020 Whatever! 735 00:52:48,025 --> 00:52:50,844 Damn it! 736 00:52:50,879 --> 00:52:53,523 Is it my turn yet? 737 00:53:04,792 --> 00:53:08,295 So, this is where I come when I want to think. 738 00:53:08,330 --> 00:53:10,297 Wow! 739 00:53:10,798 --> 00:53:13,300 It's very... 740 00:53:13,335 --> 00:53:15,803 Barn-like. 741 00:53:20,307 --> 00:53:22,775 You know, it's weird, Coop. 742 00:53:22,810 --> 00:53:26,313 I was supposed to be in the woods with Andy this afternoon, but... 743 00:53:26,348 --> 00:53:30,818 Oh. I'm sorry. We can go back. We should go back. 744 00:53:30,853 --> 00:53:34,321 No, no! It's okay. I can see him later. 745 00:53:40,327 --> 00:53:43,330 Give me your hand. 746 00:53:48,469 --> 00:53:50,436 It's cold. 747 00:53:50,471 --> 00:53:53,474 Yeah. I'm freezing. 748 00:53:53,974 --> 00:53:55,476 Do you want my sweatshirt? 749 00:53:55,511 --> 00:53:57,845 Do you mind? 750 00:54:13,360 --> 00:54:17,364 Okay, Coop, now I'm colder than I was before when I said I was cold. 751 00:54:18,866 --> 00:54:21,368 Well, do you want my flannel? 752 00:54:22,870 --> 00:54:25,372 Yeah. 753 00:54:34,014 --> 00:54:38,018 This is cool! It's really a great shirt. I love it. 754 00:54:38,053 --> 00:54:41,021 It's my favorite shirt. 755 00:54:41,522 --> 00:54:44,525 So... you're gonna have to give it back. 756 00:54:44,560 --> 00:54:46,527 Now? 757 00:54:47,027 --> 00:54:49,029 Yeah. 758 00:54:57,538 --> 00:55:00,005 What are we doing? 759 00:55:00,040 --> 00:55:03,544 - Do you mean like switching our shirts? - No. 760 00:55:04,044 --> 00:55:06,547 What are we doing? 761 00:55:06,582 --> 00:55:08,549 I don't know. 762 00:55:27,685 --> 00:55:31,572 Okay, so I'm Ron and I'm calling you. Here we go. Ring, ring. 763 00:55:31,939 --> 00:55:33,941 Hello? Hi, Gail. 764 00:55:33,976 --> 00:55:35,908 It's me, Ron. 765 00:55:35,943 --> 00:55:40,412 Hi, Ron. What do you want? Um, well... 766 00:55:40,447 --> 00:55:44,952 I'm ready to give our marriage another shot. What do you say? 767 00:55:46,453 --> 00:55:48,956 Um... 768 00:55:49,089 --> 00:55:51,091 Be strong, Gail! 769 00:55:51,208 --> 00:55:55,462 - No. - No, Ron, it's over. 770 00:55:55,497 --> 00:55:59,717 Good-bye. 771 00:56:07,725 --> 00:56:10,227 Hi, mom. Could you get dad? 772 00:56:10,262 --> 00:56:12,695 Just get him. 773 00:56:12,730 --> 00:56:16,734 Hi, dad. Okay, are you guys sitting down? 774 00:56:17,234 --> 00:56:20,237 I met somebody. Well, she's got this other boyfriend, 775 00:56:20,272 --> 00:56:22,740 but, well, it's just a matter of time, I think. 776 00:56:25,376 --> 00:56:27,878 Her name is Katie, and she's really great. 777 00:56:27,913 --> 00:56:30,846 And, um... what? I don't think so. 778 00:56:30,881 --> 00:56:33,849 She might be. She's got a pretty big nose. 779 00:56:33,884 --> 00:56:36,887 Well, I know how you guys worry that I have trouble meeting girls. 780 00:56:36,922 --> 00:56:39,355 And I'm just saying, worry no more. 781 00:56:39,390 --> 00:56:43,394 Well, I should get going. she's probably looking for me. 782 00:56:43,429 --> 00:56:47,398 Okay, I'll talk to you guys tomorrow. Bye-bye. 783 00:56:49,400 --> 00:56:51,867 This feels so good. 784 00:56:51,902 --> 00:56:54,905 Maybe you shouldn't jump the gun just yet, Coop. 785 00:56:55,272 --> 00:56:58,275 Very good, very good. 786 00:56:58,310 --> 00:57:00,778 A-plus for comedy, Beth. 787 00:57:01,278 --> 00:57:03,781 Ruth Buzzi better watch her back. 788 00:57:03,816 --> 00:57:06,784 Beth! "Jump the gun." 789 00:57:11,672 --> 00:57:14,550 # Day by day # 790 00:57:14,585 --> 00:57:17,393 # Day by day # 791 00:57:17,428 --> 00:57:22,800 Okay, stop! I feel like I'm watching regional theater, you guys. 792 00:57:22,835 --> 00:57:26,321 God, am I at the Cleveland playhouse or something? 793 00:57:26,356 --> 00:57:29,774 Your craft is a muscle! You need to exercise it! 794 00:57:29,809 --> 00:57:33,193 Take a break! Think about what you've done. 795 00:57:33,694 --> 00:57:36,447 Gee, Susie, have you seen Katie anywhere? 796 00:57:36,482 --> 00:57:38,914 No. why? 797 00:57:38,949 --> 00:57:41,201 No particular reason. But if you see her, will you tell her I'm looking for her? 798 00:57:41,702 --> 00:57:44,455 - Sure. - Okay. 799 00:57:46,457 --> 00:57:48,959 All right, with passion! 800 00:57:51,578 --> 00:57:54,081 Katie! Are you in here? 801 00:57:54,214 --> 00:57:55,716 Oh, hi. 802 00:57:56,216 --> 00:57:59,219 Um, I want to talk to you later, okay? 803 00:57:59,586 --> 00:58:02,589 Oh, yeah. Sure. 804 00:58:12,850 --> 00:58:17,354 Dinner! 805 00:58:17,604 --> 00:58:20,607 - Have you seen J.J. and Gary? Do you know where they are? - Don't know. 806 00:58:20,642 --> 00:58:23,610 I'm a little worried they might have found out about us. - Hey! 807 00:58:23,861 --> 00:58:25,362 McKinley and Ben! 808 00:58:27,247 --> 00:58:30,117 This is for you. 809 00:58:33,620 --> 00:58:36,123 It's a chaise lounge. 810 00:58:36,373 --> 00:58:39,877 We didn't know if maybe you guys already had one. We have the receipt if you do. 811 00:58:39,912 --> 00:58:42,344 No, we don't have one. Thank you! 812 00:58:42,379 --> 00:58:44,882 It goes with the chenille throw cloth Beth's sister gave us. 813 00:58:44,917 --> 00:58:48,600 Okay, everybody, attention. I've got an announcement. 814 00:58:48,635 --> 00:58:51,138 I know you're all getting ready for the big talent show tonight, 815 00:58:51,173 --> 00:58:54,659 but the following campers need to put their trunks out... 816 00:58:54,694 --> 00:58:58,145 so the early bus to Boston can pick them up at 7:30 a.m. 817 00:58:58,180 --> 00:59:03,167 Amanda Klein, Jessica Azaria, 818 00:59:03,202 --> 00:59:08,155 Ira Stevenberg, Sol Zimmerstein, 819 00:59:09,656 --> 00:59:14,044 uh, David... Ben Gurion. 820 00:59:16,046 --> 00:59:19,549 Cookin' slop for the grunts in 'Nam was easier than this. 821 00:59:19,584 --> 00:59:23,053 We had no place being over there. 822 00:59:23,088 --> 00:59:25,020 It was a war we couldn't win, Gene. 823 00:59:25,055 --> 00:59:30,060 Yeah, well I'm gonna go smear some mud on my ass. 824 00:59:30,095 --> 00:59:32,429 What? 825 00:59:32,930 --> 00:59:38,400 I said, "I hear my bud's in class." 826 00:59:38,435 --> 00:59:41,688 I gotta go and call my bud and see how his grades are. 827 00:59:41,723 --> 00:59:44,942 - I, I gotta go. go away, leave me alone. - Gene, hold on. 828 00:59:45,442 --> 00:59:49,947 Look, I don't care what you do in your private time, but don't lie about it. 829 00:59:49,982 --> 00:59:54,299 I mean, you clearly said, "smear mud on my ass." 830 00:59:54,334 --> 01:00:00,340 And I'll tell you something. If you wanna smear mud on your ass, smear mud on your ass. 831 01:00:00,375 --> 01:00:02,709 Just be honest about it. 832 01:00:02,843 --> 01:00:06,346 Look, Gene, I've never told anyone this before. 833 01:00:06,381 --> 01:00:10,350 But I can suck my own dick. And I do it. 834 01:00:10,717 --> 01:00:13,220 A lot. 835 01:00:13,604 --> 01:00:15,606 There, I said it. I was honest. 836 01:00:15,641 --> 01:00:17,940 And you know what, Gene? 837 01:00:17,975 --> 01:00:20,978 Being honest makes you feel better. 838 01:00:22,229 --> 01:00:26,733 Hey, Katie, wait. I'm sorry about before. 839 01:00:26,768 --> 01:00:29,236 - I hope that wasn't bad timing. - No. 840 01:00:29,369 --> 01:00:31,336 - Coop, we have to talk. - Sure. 841 01:00:31,371 --> 01:00:35,375 I was thinking that what happened between us before was a mistake. 842 01:00:35,410 --> 01:00:37,843 - And, uh... - What? 843 01:00:37,878 --> 01:00:39,880 I wasn't thinking straight. It was wrong. 844 01:00:40,380 --> 01:00:45,385 No, it wasn't wrong. Katie, why are you doing this? 845 01:00:45,886 --> 01:00:47,853 I'm really sorry. 846 01:00:47,888 --> 01:00:50,891 Come on! This is a joke, right? 847 01:00:50,926 --> 01:00:53,358 I have a boyfriend, Coop. 848 01:00:53,393 --> 01:00:57,898 And I can't... I can't do this. I'm sorry. 849 01:01:02,903 --> 01:01:04,987 Wait, Katie! 850 01:01:05,022 --> 01:01:08,775 When we first started hanging out together this morning... 851 01:01:08,810 --> 01:01:10,742 we were just friends. 852 01:01:10,777 --> 01:01:14,281 But things change, and I've fallen in love with you. 853 01:01:14,781 --> 01:01:17,918 And I just, I just know that if you gave me a chance, 854 01:01:18,418 --> 01:01:20,886 I could make you feel so good. 855 01:01:20,921 --> 01:01:24,256 So I'm coming to you, not as your buddy, 856 01:01:24,291 --> 01:01:26,927 and not as a co-counselor, but for the first time as a man. 857 01:01:27,427 --> 01:01:29,895 A man who loves a woman, 858 01:01:29,930 --> 01:01:32,933 and who wants to hold her, and provide for her, 859 01:01:32,968 --> 01:01:34,935 and, yes, have sex with her. 860 01:01:35,185 --> 01:01:38,188 But, seriously, Katie, I love the way you laugh. 861 01:01:38,223 --> 01:01:40,272 And I love the way your hair smells. 862 01:01:40,307 --> 01:01:44,311 And I love it that sometimes for no reason, you're late for shul. 863 01:01:44,561 --> 01:01:47,913 And I don't care that you're bowlegged and bilingual. 864 01:01:47,948 --> 01:01:50,951 All I know is I would have said "no" to every person on your list... 865 01:01:50,986 --> 01:01:53,954 because I've always wanted you. 866 01:01:56,323 --> 01:01:59,326 Coop, I don't know what to say. 867 01:02:02,329 --> 01:02:04,581 Coop, wait! 868 01:02:06,083 --> 01:02:09,586 Rachael Clipperhofferman, 869 01:02:11,088 --> 01:02:13,090 - Steven Schenk... - Beth! 870 01:02:13,340 --> 01:02:16,843 - Can I make a quick announcement before we finish up? - Sure thing. 871 01:02:21,231 --> 01:02:25,235 I want to thank all of you for a terrific summer. 872 01:02:25,270 --> 01:02:27,738 Cooking for all you nice people... 873 01:02:28,105 --> 01:02:32,359 has really helped me get over the fact that I fought in the Vietnam war. 874 01:02:32,394 --> 01:02:34,861 Have a great winter! I'm gonna go hump the fridge! 875 01:02:35,245 --> 01:02:37,497 What? 876 01:02:41,501 --> 01:02:46,506 Yes, folks, it's true. I said, "I'm gonna go hump the fridge." 877 01:02:48,375 --> 01:02:53,446 What you may not know is that I also own a bottle of dick cream. 878 01:02:53,481 --> 01:02:58,518 I fondle my sweaters, and I often like to smear mud on my ass. 879 01:02:58,769 --> 01:03:02,272 You're probably asking yourselves, "isn't he a weirdo, 880 01:03:02,307 --> 01:03:04,274 outcast, loose cannon?" 881 01:03:06,143 --> 01:03:09,611 Maybe. I don't think so. 882 01:03:09,646 --> 01:03:13,650 I want to introduce you guys to someone. This is my friend. 883 01:03:16,153 --> 01:03:18,655 I don't know who he is, but I do know this. 884 01:03:19,156 --> 01:03:24,161 At a time when I was trying to hide myself from myself, 885 01:03:24,196 --> 01:03:28,165 He was there to show me a new way. 886 01:03:30,167 --> 01:03:32,669 Because I couldn't hide from him. 887 01:03:33,670 --> 01:03:36,673 And I can be proud of who I am. 888 01:03:38,675 --> 01:03:42,179 I put it to you, Camp Firewood, 889 01:03:42,679 --> 01:03:47,184 As we spend our last dinner together: Be proud of who you are! 890 01:03:49,569 --> 01:03:52,572 Look at me, ma! 891 01:03:52,939 --> 01:03:56,384 I made it! I'm okay! 892 01:04:06,336 --> 01:04:08,338 Now, if you don't mind, 893 01:04:10,340 --> 01:04:13,844 I have some unfinished business to attend to. 894 01:04:29,860 --> 01:04:33,864 Great! 895 01:04:47,744 --> 01:04:50,747 Hey! Hey! 896 01:04:55,001 --> 01:04:58,004 You fuckin' assholes! Let me go! 897 01:05:00,006 --> 01:05:02,974 No! No! No! 898 01:05:03,009 --> 01:05:05,512 Please, stop! No, no, no! 899 01:05:05,547 --> 01:05:09,015 No! No! 900 01:05:18,892 --> 01:05:22,994 Oh, Henry, I'm so happy. 901 01:05:23,029 --> 01:05:26,032 But what will become of us tomorrow? 902 01:05:26,067 --> 01:05:29,000 Hey, you. Penny for your thoughts. 903 01:05:29,035 --> 01:05:32,038 Beth, tomorrow's the least of our problems. 904 01:05:32,539 --> 01:05:36,042 Don't tell me. Don't even tell me you have crabs. 905 01:05:36,543 --> 01:05:39,010 No. Well, yes, but that's not the point. 906 01:05:39,045 --> 01:05:42,013 - What is the point? - This isn't the time or the place to discuss it. 907 01:05:42,048 --> 01:05:46,052 Beth, meet me at the picnic table in ten seconds. I'll tell you all about it. 908 01:05:46,087 --> 01:05:48,520 Okay. 909 01:05:57,564 --> 01:06:02,033 Beth, hello. Thanks for coming. Let's get right to it. 910 01:06:02,068 --> 01:06:04,571 You may recall ten seconds ago, I asked you to join me here by the picnic table... 911 01:06:05,071 --> 01:06:06,573 so I could tell you what's going on. 912 01:06:07,073 --> 01:06:11,578 Well, earlier today, I saw what I thought was possibly a planet, 913 01:06:11,613 --> 01:06:14,915 also possibly a meteor in the evening sky. 914 01:06:14,950 --> 01:06:18,183 I now believe that object was none other... 915 01:06:18,218 --> 01:06:22,222 than a renegade piece of Skylab, the NASA space station. 916 01:06:22,257 --> 01:06:25,725 - And it's heading right for the camp. - Oh, my God! 917 01:06:26,226 --> 01:06:30,230 And there's more. We have no way of pinpointing exactly where it's going to land. 918 01:06:30,730 --> 01:06:32,697 - It could kill us all! - Jesus! 919 01:06:32,732 --> 01:06:35,700 Wait a minute! There might be a way... 920 01:06:35,735 --> 01:06:38,703 to build a homemade Skylab tracking device! 921 01:06:38,738 --> 01:06:42,359 - Which accomplishes? - We could surmise the location of impact. 922 01:06:42,394 --> 01:06:45,362 We could avert a tragedy on the scale of the Hindenburg. 923 01:06:45,397 --> 01:06:48,748 - Beth, will you help us? - Anything you need. 924 01:06:48,783 --> 01:06:51,501 Let's do it! 925 01:06:51,618 --> 01:06:53,119 Hey, Andy? 926 01:06:53,620 --> 01:06:56,373 - Can I talk to you for a second? - Sure. 927 01:06:56,623 --> 01:06:58,124 - Okay, well... - Time's up. 928 01:06:58,625 --> 01:07:00,627 You said a second. 929 01:07:00,760 --> 01:07:04,264 - I want to ask you something. - So you want to talk for more than a second? 930 01:07:04,381 --> 01:07:07,349 - Yeah. - What is it then? like a couple minutes? 931 01:07:07,384 --> 01:07:10,136 - No. yeah, at most, say, like three minutes. - Fine. 932 01:07:10,520 --> 01:07:13,523 - Do you really love Katie? - Not really. 933 01:07:13,640 --> 01:07:15,607 Because I really love her, man. 934 01:07:15,642 --> 01:07:19,646 And if you have one ounce of decency, you will do the right thing and let her go. 935 01:07:19,681 --> 01:07:21,398 - No way! - No way? 936 01:07:21,781 --> 01:07:24,901 Fuck no, dude. She's hot! In fact, fuck off. 937 01:07:24,936 --> 01:07:27,502 I will not fuck off. 938 01:07:27,537 --> 01:07:30,290 You're making a really big mistake, buddy, 939 01:07:30,325 --> 01:07:33,043 because that woman is not your plaything. 940 01:07:33,293 --> 01:07:37,797 Coop, seriously... Fuck off. 941 01:07:37,914 --> 01:07:41,918 - I'm sick of talking about this with you. - God! 942 01:07:49,559 --> 01:07:51,811 Whoa! 943 01:07:58,818 --> 01:08:01,821 So this is the Skylab tracking device? 944 01:08:01,856 --> 01:08:03,788 Is this gonna save my camp? 945 01:08:03,823 --> 01:08:06,576 I don't know. But if it does, we'll all be heroes. 946 01:08:06,611 --> 01:08:09,471 In fact, I just got word that if we pull this off, 947 01:08:09,506 --> 01:08:12,297 I could be up for the Hopkins prize for physics. 948 01:08:12,332 --> 01:08:16,836 The Hopkins! Baby, what a dream. You'll finally get your tenure. 949 01:08:31,601 --> 01:08:33,603 Be proud of who you are. 950 01:08:34,104 --> 01:08:36,071 Huh? 951 01:08:36,106 --> 01:08:39,574 - Gene? - Shh. 952 01:08:39,609 --> 01:08:43,613 - It isn't about the girl. - It isn't? 953 01:08:44,114 --> 01:08:46,116 Well, it is, 954 01:08:47,617 --> 01:08:51,621 but see if you can follow me here. 955 01:08:51,656 --> 01:08:54,624 It... 956 01:08:55,125 --> 01:08:57,127 isn't. 957 01:08:58,128 --> 01:09:00,595 Oh. 958 01:09:00,630 --> 01:09:04,634 So it is and it isn't. 959 01:09:11,141 --> 01:09:15,145 You are ready to be taught the new way. 960 01:09:17,147 --> 01:09:22,652 Will you help teach me about this... 961 01:09:22,687 --> 01:09:26,656 What is it? a "new way"? 962 01:10:05,061 --> 01:10:07,063 # Show me the fever # 963 01:10:07,313 --> 01:10:12,318 # Into the fire taking it higher and higher # 964 01:10:12,353 --> 01:10:17,323 # Nothing to fear it's only desire # 965 01:10:17,358 --> 01:10:19,325 # Taking it higher and higher # 966 01:10:19,826 --> 01:10:24,330 # Whoo-hoo-hoo # 967 01:10:24,365 --> 01:10:27,851 # Higher, higher # 968 01:10:27,886 --> 01:10:31,302 # Show me the fever # 969 01:10:31,337 --> 01:10:36,593 # Into the fire taking it higher and higher # 970 01:10:37,594 --> 01:10:41,231 # Nothing to fear it's only desire # 971 01:10:41,266 --> 01:10:44,734 # Taking it higher and higher # 972 01:10:44,769 --> 01:10:47,237 # Whoo-hoo # 973 01:10:55,245 --> 01:10:56,663 Abby. 974 01:10:57,163 --> 01:11:00,166 Abby. Abby, my lover, my friend. Abby! 975 01:11:08,291 --> 01:11:12,010 - Hey, Neil, what's up? - Victor abandoned the raft trip, 976 01:11:12,045 --> 01:11:14,547 and now the kids are about to go over devil's canyon rapids! 977 01:11:19,302 --> 01:11:21,554 - Where did he go? - He wanted to get back to camp. 978 01:11:21,589 --> 01:11:23,699 So you left the campers alone on the river? 979 01:11:23,734 --> 01:11:25,774 Only Victor knows how to navigate those rapids. 980 01:11:25,809 --> 01:11:28,311 We've got to find him and get him back to that river. 981 01:11:28,346 --> 01:11:31,197 It's him! Victor! Victor! 982 01:11:31,698 --> 01:11:33,700 - We lost him, goddamn it! - I've got him! 983 01:11:34,200 --> 01:11:36,034 - Where is he? - He's calling from inside the camp. 984 01:11:36,069 --> 01:11:39,572 The only other phone is in the infirmary! We gotta go! 985 01:11:42,325 --> 01:11:44,327 Ahhh. 986 01:11:48,214 --> 01:11:49,716 Beth, what's the matter? 987 01:11:50,216 --> 01:11:53,219 The phone! Where's the fucking phone? 988 01:11:53,720 --> 01:11:56,723 In the back room. 989 01:12:13,239 --> 01:12:16,242 We're losing time! 990 01:12:21,498 --> 01:12:24,501 My baby! 991 01:12:24,617 --> 01:12:27,620 I want to make love to you! 992 01:12:28,121 --> 01:12:30,123 Abby! 993 01:12:31,624 --> 01:12:33,126 Abby? 994 01:12:35,128 --> 01:12:36,594 Moose? 995 01:12:36,629 --> 01:12:39,382 Um, you're gonna think this is so shallow, 996 01:12:39,417 --> 01:12:42,135 - but what was your name again? - Oh, my God. 997 01:12:42,635 --> 01:12:46,138 Do you have any idea... 998 01:12:46,173 --> 01:12:49,642 what I had to go through to see you? 999 01:12:50,143 --> 01:12:53,146 You snooze, you lose, dude. 1000 01:12:55,148 --> 01:12:59,652 Victor Pulak, there's a raft of campers about to go over devil's canyon rapids! 1001 01:13:01,287 --> 01:13:04,791 Are you gonna be part of the problem, or are you the solution? 1002 01:13:11,164 --> 01:13:13,631 Let's go. 1003 01:13:13,666 --> 01:13:16,669 Let's go! 1004 01:13:21,558 --> 01:13:23,059 Here we go. 1005 01:13:27,564 --> 01:13:31,032 - Oh, fuck my cock! - What does it say? 1006 01:13:31,067 --> 01:13:34,571 According to this readout, Skylab is going to land directly on the rec hall. 1007 01:13:34,606 --> 01:13:36,538 Oh, no. When? 1008 01:13:36,573 --> 01:13:39,040 - Sometime in the next 90 minutes. - Oh, my God! 1009 01:13:39,075 --> 01:13:42,579 - That's only one mix tape. - The talent show's starting right now! 1010 01:13:43,079 --> 01:13:46,199 - Good evening, Firewood! - Are you ready for some talent? 1011 01:13:49,085 --> 01:13:51,955 - Beth, we have to evacuate the rec hall immediately! - Yeah. 1012 01:13:52,088 --> 01:13:53,898 Victor! 1013 01:13:53,933 --> 01:13:55,708 Come on! 1014 01:13:59,345 --> 01:14:01,347 Stand back. 1015 01:14:03,850 --> 01:14:05,852 Whoa! Whoa! 1016 01:14:06,352 --> 01:14:11,357 You're a master, Vic. What the... what the fu... what? 1017 01:14:11,392 --> 01:14:13,860 You're doing it. You're actually doing it. 1018 01:14:14,360 --> 01:14:17,864 Oh! You saved them! You saved them! 1019 01:14:21,234 --> 01:14:25,238 Victor Pulak, You're okay by me. 1020 01:14:25,273 --> 01:14:27,240 I'm okay, you're okay. 1021 01:14:27,740 --> 01:14:32,245 And Neil, next time we go camping, you drive the Van. 1022 01:14:49,762 --> 01:14:52,015 I wish there was another way. Maybe we should just let them die. 1023 01:14:52,515 --> 01:14:54,017 No! My friend, Jimmy's, in there. 1024 01:14:54,517 --> 01:14:56,519 - You have a friend? - I'm kidding. 1025 01:14:56,769 --> 01:14:58,771 Wait a minute. 1026 01:15:01,774 --> 01:15:03,741 - No. - What? 1027 01:15:03,776 --> 01:15:07,280 Well, there might be a way that we could use our device... 1028 01:15:07,315 --> 01:15:11,284 to slightly change its direction, but... 1029 01:15:11,319 --> 01:15:13,251 no, it's impossible. 1030 01:15:13,286 --> 01:15:15,253 Why? What's the problem? 1031 01:15:15,288 --> 01:15:17,755 In order to do it, we would somehow have to be able... 1032 01:15:17,790 --> 01:15:20,793 to repeatedly generate random numbers between one and twenty... 1033 01:15:21,294 --> 01:15:22,795 in order to calibrate the deferential. 1034 01:15:23,296 --> 01:15:27,800 That would take some sort of super mainframe computer and we don't have one. 1035 01:15:27,835 --> 01:15:30,570 So all is lost. 1036 01:15:30,605 --> 01:15:33,271 No, it's not. 1037 01:15:33,306 --> 01:15:36,809 Any dungeon master worth his weight in geldings... 1038 01:15:36,844 --> 01:15:40,313 goes nowhere without his... 1039 01:15:42,315 --> 01:15:44,282 20-sided die. 1040 01:15:44,317 --> 01:15:48,204 I'd like to introduce us to the emcee for the evening. 1041 01:15:48,705 --> 01:15:53,710 We brought him all the way from Kutscher's Country Club in the Catskill mountains. 1042 01:15:53,745 --> 01:15:57,213 Wait! I have some bad news! 1043 01:15:58,831 --> 01:16:01,334 And my bad news is... 1044 01:16:05,972 --> 01:16:10,977 and my bad news is... there is no bad news. I was just joking. 1045 01:16:11,344 --> 01:16:13,311 Good one, Beth. 1046 01:16:13,346 --> 01:16:17,350 Let's give a Firewood welcome to Mr. Alan Shemper! 1047 01:16:20,603 --> 01:16:22,570 Thank you very much. 1048 01:16:22,605 --> 01:16:27,110 Hello, Camp Firewood. Thank you for having me. 1049 01:16:27,493 --> 01:16:32,498 I went to sleep-away camp so long ago that it was the stone age. 1050 01:16:33,499 --> 01:16:35,501 Seriously, it wasn't the stone age. 1051 01:16:35,536 --> 01:16:37,969 It was the ice age! 1052 01:16:38,004 --> 01:16:41,624 No, really, it was the stone age. But, folks, 1053 01:16:42,125 --> 01:16:45,843 actually I went to camp Machnudin... 1054 01:16:45,878 --> 01:16:47,880 in the pine hills of Westchester, New York. 1055 01:16:47,915 --> 01:16:49,847 And that was so long ago... 1056 01:16:49,882 --> 01:16:53,886 for breakfast we had to eat scrambled pterodactyl eggs... 1057 01:16:53,921 --> 01:16:56,889 and Raptor bacon! 1058 01:16:57,023 --> 01:17:00,276 Back then we didn't have cots, we had slabs. 1059 01:17:01,778 --> 01:17:05,031 Instead of sleeping bags, we had sleeping pelts. 1060 01:17:13,156 --> 01:17:18,161 Our first act hails all the way from over in bunk 2. 1061 01:17:18,661 --> 01:17:23,666 And his name is Roger, The Master Broom Balancer. 1062 01:17:36,562 --> 01:17:38,064 Holy cow! 1063 01:17:39,682 --> 01:17:42,685 Right here, right here. 1064 01:17:42,720 --> 01:17:45,188 Let's pray to God this works. 1065 01:17:46,689 --> 01:17:49,575 # Love will pervade us till death separates us # 1066 01:17:49,610 --> 01:17:53,079 # We're friends friends, friends # 1067 01:17:53,114 --> 01:17:56,547 That's from us to bunk 7! 1068 01:17:56,582 --> 01:17:58,800 - Nine or six, what was it? - Nine! 1069 01:17:58,835 --> 01:18:03,339 Okay. We're getting closer. Give me another. Seven. 1070 01:18:03,374 --> 01:18:06,174 White folks are so stupid when they get mad. 1071 01:18:06,209 --> 01:18:09,712 They be like, "hey, asshole, I'm going to kick your behind." 1072 01:18:09,747 --> 01:18:12,732 But the brothers don't even need to raise their voice. 1073 01:18:12,767 --> 01:18:15,718 These motherfuckers be like, "don't make me say it twice." 1074 01:18:16,219 --> 01:18:17,720 That's true, that's true. 1075 01:18:17,755 --> 01:18:19,722 I hate white people! 1076 01:18:20,223 --> 01:18:24,727 Be that as it may, this next act is a guy named Bert Flugalman. 1077 01:18:24,762 --> 01:18:27,230 But it says here that you all know him as... 1078 01:18:27,730 --> 01:18:30,483 Mooooose! 1079 01:18:47,383 --> 01:18:49,350 Gail. 1080 01:18:49,385 --> 01:18:52,889 - Gail. - Ron. 1081 01:18:55,758 --> 01:18:57,260 What are you doing here? 1082 01:18:57,510 --> 01:19:00,012 I've been thinking about you a lot. 1083 01:19:00,513 --> 01:19:03,015 And I want you back. 1084 01:19:06,903 --> 01:19:09,871 Ron... I love you, 1085 01:19:09,906 --> 01:19:13,409 and I want to be with you, but... 1086 01:19:15,411 --> 01:19:17,914 I've just had too many woulda-coulda-shouldas in my life. 1087 01:19:17,949 --> 01:19:20,381 Well, I'm just... 1088 01:19:20,416 --> 01:19:24,420 I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired, you know? 1089 01:19:24,455 --> 01:19:27,924 And if you can't handle that, then to hell with you! 1090 01:19:28,040 --> 01:19:31,043 You'll come back to me, Gail. I know you will. 1091 01:19:36,933 --> 01:19:39,936 I don't think so, Ronald von Kleinenshtein. 1092 01:19:39,971 --> 01:19:42,438 I really don't think so. 1093 01:19:49,061 --> 01:19:52,698 And now, Camp Fizzie-poo, performing the song... 1094 01:19:52,733 --> 01:19:56,202 "Day by day" from the musical godspell, 1095 01:19:56,237 --> 01:19:58,204 is Susie's drama group. 1096 01:19:59,705 --> 01:20:01,207 Before we start, I'd just like to say... 1097 01:20:01,707 --> 01:20:03,709 that the campers you're about to see suck dick. 1098 01:20:03,744 --> 01:20:05,711 Nevertheless, please welcome them. 1099 01:20:18,724 --> 01:20:22,227 # Day by day # 1100 01:20:22,262 --> 01:20:25,696 # Day by day # 1101 01:20:25,731 --> 01:20:32,738 # Oh, dear Lord three things I pray # 1102 01:20:34,607 --> 01:20:37,109 # To see thee more clearly # 1103 01:20:37,610 --> 01:20:40,112 # To love thee more dearly # 1104 01:20:40,997 --> 01:20:45,117 # Follow thee more nearly # 1105 01:20:45,618 --> 01:20:47,253 # Day by day # 1106 01:20:49,121 --> 01:20:52,625 # Day by day # # Day by day # 1107 01:20:52,660 --> 01:20:55,127 # Day by day # 1108 01:20:55,628 --> 01:21:01,384 # Oh, dear Lord three things I pray # 1109 01:21:03,769 --> 01:21:05,771 # To see thee more clearly # 1110 01:21:06,272 --> 01:21:10,241 # Love thee more dearly # 1111 01:21:10,276 --> 01:21:15,281 # Follow thee more nearly day by day # 1112 01:21:17,033 --> 01:21:24,657 # Day by day by day by day by day # 1113 01:21:25,791 --> 01:21:29,260 Boo! 1114 01:21:29,295 --> 01:21:32,298 Well, well, well, I can honestly say... 1115 01:21:32,798 --> 01:21:35,266 that there is no Broadway ditty... 1116 01:21:35,301 --> 01:21:39,805 closer to my heart than the one you just heard, "day bidet." 1117 01:21:40,172 --> 01:21:41,639 Give me another. 1118 01:21:41,674 --> 01:21:43,676 - Twenty. - There's not much time left. 1119 01:21:44,060 --> 01:21:48,564 When I was at camp, my favorite activity was always arts and crafts. 1120 01:21:48,599 --> 01:21:52,568 Or as we used to call it, arts and "farts" and crafts. 1121 01:21:52,685 --> 01:21:55,187 We used to make drawings. 1122 01:21:55,321 --> 01:21:57,323 Cave drawings! 1123 01:21:57,573 --> 01:22:01,042 Which is my way of saying we were cavemen. 1124 01:22:01,077 --> 01:22:04,580 I went to camp so long ago that I can remember saying... 1125 01:22:04,615 --> 01:22:08,049 "Sticks and stones may break my bones," and meaning it! 1126 01:22:08,084 --> 01:22:13,089 I went to camp so long ago that fucking Jesus Christ was my counselor! 1127 01:22:13,124 --> 01:22:17,093 And my best friend hadn't fully evolved yet. 1128 01:22:17,460 --> 01:22:20,212 His name was Ugh, and he walked on all fours! 1129 01:22:20,247 --> 01:22:23,608 There were two epidemics when I went to camp. 1130 01:22:23,643 --> 01:22:26,969 Head lice and the plague... the bubonic plague. 1131 01:22:51,877 --> 01:22:54,380 # When you look into his eyes # 1132 01:22:54,747 --> 01:22:57,249 # It comes to you as no surprise # 1133 01:22:58,384 --> 01:23:01,352 # I was the same # 1134 01:23:01,387 --> 01:23:04,890 Katie, I came here to tell you I'm leaving. 1135 01:23:06,892 --> 01:23:08,859 - Uh, what? - Yeah. 1136 01:23:08,894 --> 01:23:12,398 I've grown up a lot since before dinner when we last talked. 1137 01:23:12,433 --> 01:23:16,367 - Where are you going? - I don't know. 1138 01:23:16,402 --> 01:23:20,906 Maybe see the world. I got a couple more weeks before school starts. 1139 01:23:21,407 --> 01:23:25,277 - But... - Hey. 1140 01:23:26,278 --> 01:23:29,281 I want you to have this. 1141 01:23:34,537 --> 01:23:37,923 Hurry up! I think I can see it coming towards us! 1142 01:23:41,927 --> 01:23:44,930 And finally, ladies and germs, is a dude... 1143 01:23:44,965 --> 01:23:49,435 who goes by the name of... "Steve." 1144 01:23:49,470 --> 01:23:52,805 Let's give him a hand. 1145 01:24:02,948 --> 01:24:05,951 Come on, do something. Or get the fuck off the stage! 1146 01:24:31,343 --> 01:24:33,846 Is that wind? 1147 01:24:51,113 --> 01:24:53,616 Oh, my God. 1148 01:24:58,254 --> 01:25:00,221 Coop? 1149 01:25:00,256 --> 01:25:03,509 Coop, Coop, don't leave. 1150 01:25:03,544 --> 01:25:06,762 Coop! Coop, I love you! 1151 01:25:08,764 --> 01:25:12,233 Yeah, I didn't know it until this very moment for sure, 1152 01:25:12,268 --> 01:25:16,772 but now I know, and it feels like nothing I've ever known before. 1153 01:25:16,807 --> 01:25:18,739 It feels so good. I love you. 1154 01:25:18,774 --> 01:25:21,609 # Show me the fever # 1155 01:25:21,644 --> 01:25:26,899 # Into the fire taking it higher and higher # 1156 01:25:27,149 --> 01:25:32,288 # Nothing to fear it's only desire # 1157 01:25:32,323 --> 01:25:34,790 # Taking it higher and higher # 1158 01:25:35,908 --> 01:25:39,795 # Into this fever into this fire # 1159 01:25:40,045 --> 01:25:43,299 # Taking it higher and higher # 1160 01:25:43,334 --> 01:25:47,768 # There's nothing evil # 1161 01:25:47,803 --> 01:25:49,805 # Taking it higher and higher # 1162 01:25:50,055 --> 01:25:52,022 How do I know it's real this time? 1163 01:25:52,057 --> 01:25:55,060 Because I'm telling you. That's all I can do. 1164 01:25:55,095 --> 01:25:57,027 I love you. 1165 01:25:57,062 --> 01:26:01,567 - Say it again. - I love you, I love you, Gerald Cooperberg! 1166 01:26:05,821 --> 01:26:08,824 # Show me the fever # 1167 01:26:09,074 --> 01:26:13,329 # Into the fire taking it higher and higher # 1168 01:26:18,334 --> 01:26:20,836 It's working! 1169 01:26:41,974 --> 01:26:44,793 Way to go, guys! 1170 01:26:44,828 --> 01:26:47,613 Beth, we did it. 1171 01:27:01,126 --> 01:27:02,628 Whoo! 1172 01:27:21,764 --> 01:27:25,768 Baby, that was beautiful! 1173 01:27:57,466 --> 01:28:02,855 You better write to me. I'm gonna miss you so much! 1174 01:28:08,227 --> 01:28:10,729 Beth! Beth! I got it! 1175 01:28:10,764 --> 01:28:13,197 The Hopkins award! 1176 01:28:13,232 --> 01:28:18,237 And, NASA's hiring me to go to work for them at Cape Canaveral, Florida. 1177 01:28:18,737 --> 01:28:20,739 I'll have a whole new life! 1178 01:28:21,240 --> 01:28:23,207 That's wonderful. 1179 01:28:23,242 --> 01:28:27,246 I knew this would happen. I would meet you, fall in love and you would leave me. 1180 01:28:27,746 --> 01:28:30,249 Wait, hold on, Beth. I've already told them, 1181 01:28:30,284 --> 01:28:32,716 I need an apartment for two people. 1182 01:28:32,751 --> 01:28:36,220 - And they'll fly you back here every summer. - Fuck you! 1183 01:28:36,255 --> 01:28:41,260 And, Beth, I know we've been having trouble with, you know... 1184 01:28:41,295 --> 01:28:44,263 but I was thinking when the time comes, we can adopt. 1185 01:28:44,298 --> 01:28:47,231 Shh. It's happened. 1186 01:28:47,266 --> 01:28:49,268 I'm pregnant. We're gonna have a baby. 1187 01:28:49,768 --> 01:28:53,272 Oh. Oh, baby! 1188 01:28:53,405 --> 01:28:55,908 - Good-bye, Beth. - Oh, hey! 1189 01:28:56,408 --> 01:28:58,410 Looks like everything worked out for you two. 1190 01:28:58,911 --> 01:29:00,913 Yeah, it's the best thing that's ever happened in my life. 1191 01:29:00,948 --> 01:29:02,915 I hope you like shrimp cocktail, because we want you... 1192 01:29:02,950 --> 01:29:05,918 to be the guest of honor at our wedding next week. 1193 01:29:06,418 --> 01:29:08,420 We would be delighted. But I hope it's not Jumbo shrimp... 1194 01:29:08,455 --> 01:29:11,924 because I'm allergic to oxymorons. 1195 01:29:15,427 --> 01:29:17,429 - Bye. - Bye. 1196 01:29:34,696 --> 01:29:37,199 We saved everyone's life and they'll never know it. 1197 01:29:37,234 --> 01:29:39,201 I almost like it better that way. 1198 01:29:39,701 --> 01:29:41,703 It was us rolling the dice that diverted it, right? 1199 01:29:42,204 --> 01:29:45,672 - Not the enormous gust of wind, right? - Right. 1200 01:29:45,707 --> 01:29:49,210 I feel like this entire summer, which kind of sucked, 1201 01:29:49,245 --> 01:29:52,714 has been rejuvenated by the events of the past 24 hours. 1202 01:29:52,749 --> 01:29:57,719 Yeah, it's like... well, forget it. 1203 01:29:57,754 --> 01:29:59,721 - You know what? - What? 1204 01:30:00,222 --> 01:30:04,226 You guys are my best friends. Well, my only friends. 1205 01:30:04,261 --> 01:30:07,229 - Yeah. - Nanoo-nanoo. 1206 01:30:14,236 --> 01:30:16,703 - So, this is it, babe. - Yep. 1207 01:30:16,738 --> 01:30:20,492 So, obviously I think we should get together in the city next weekend. 1208 01:30:20,527 --> 01:30:25,139 - I'll call my parents, and you can talk to your dad and Kim. - Listen. 1209 01:30:25,174 --> 01:30:29,751 Last night was really great. You were incredibly romantic and heroic. 1210 01:30:29,786 --> 01:30:32,719 No doubt about it. And that's great. 1211 01:30:32,754 --> 01:30:36,223 But I've thought about it, and my thing is this: 1212 01:30:36,258 --> 01:30:39,261 Andy's really hot. And don't get me wrong, you're cute too. 1213 01:30:39,761 --> 01:30:44,231 But Andy is like cut from marble. He's gorgeous. 1214 01:30:44,266 --> 01:30:48,270 He's like this beautiful face and this incredible body, 1215 01:30:48,305 --> 01:30:52,274 and I genuinely don't care that he's kind of lame. 1216 01:30:52,524 --> 01:30:55,527 I don't even care that he cheats on me. 1217 01:30:56,028 --> 01:30:58,996 And I like you more than I like Andy, Coop, but I'm 16. 1218 01:30:59,031 --> 01:31:02,034 And maybe it will be a different story like when I'm ready to get married. 1219 01:31:02,069 --> 01:31:06,038 But right now, I'm entirely about sex. I just want Andy. 1220 01:31:06,538 --> 01:31:08,505 - Yeah. - I wanna take him, 1221 01:31:08,540 --> 01:31:12,544 And grab him and just fuck his brains out, you know? 1222 01:31:12,579 --> 01:31:15,064 So that's where my priorities are right now. 1223 01:31:15,099 --> 01:31:17,825 Sex. Specifically with Andy and not with you. 1224 01:31:17,860 --> 01:31:20,552 But you're really nice. Everybody thinks so. 1225 01:31:21,053 --> 01:31:25,057 And I'm sorry if this isn't the direction you saw things going between us. 1226 01:31:25,092 --> 01:31:28,077 I still totally want to be friends. 1227 01:31:28,112 --> 01:31:31,063 You better write me a letter, okay? 1228 01:31:31,098 --> 01:31:33,516 Sure. 1229 01:31:33,551 --> 01:31:35,934 Cool? 1230 01:31:38,937 --> 01:31:41,940 Katie, let's go. 1231 01:32:00,092 --> 01:32:03,095 - How you doing? - Good. 1232 01:32:26,518 --> 01:32:32,207 # In this Wet Hot American Summer # 1233 01:32:33,208 --> 01:32:40,082 # You're my Wet Hot American Dream # 1234 01:32:40,117 --> 01:32:43,550 # That is if you notice me # 1235 01:32:43,585 --> 01:32:50,475 # Then who knows what the summer could bring # 1236 01:32:50,510 --> 01:32:52,477 # Yeah # 1237 01:32:54,846 --> 01:32:57,849 # Summer # 1238 01:33:01,853 --> 01:33:05,173 # Been feeling kinda restless # 1239 01:33:05,208 --> 01:33:08,493 # Been feeling all mixed up # 1240 01:33:08,994 --> 01:33:15,617 # Feeling like the girl I want is gonna show me what she's made of # 1241 01:33:16,118 --> 01:33:22,874 # Why can't I be the boy that everybody loves # 1242 01:33:22,909 --> 01:33:29,631 # Why can't I be the boy that everybody loves # 1243 01:33:35,020 --> 01:33:42,527 # American Summer # 1244 01:36:33,231 --> 01:36:35,608 I'm sorry, I'm late. I thought we said 9:30. 1245 01:36:35,643 --> 01:36:37,986 No, we said 9:00 so we could be here by 9:30.