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Subtitles downloaded from Podnapisi.NET
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Once upon a time...
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not so long ago...
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Ah!
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This is the story of me.
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Jack.
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There I am, absolutely shitting it.
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I'd been carrying a carving knife
with me for three weeks
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due to an irrational fear
of being murdered.
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I couldn't sleep at night.
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As soon as I got into bed,
I started seeing killers.
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These killers were the subject
of a series of plays
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I had been writing for television.
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The nature of the project
necessitated research
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into heinous Victorian criminals.
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And I had unwittingly familiarized
myself with all the famous hackers,
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dosers and severers
of the 19th century.
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Faces that would've
frightened the Ripper.
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Many a long night I spent there,
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drenched in thoughts
of bloody murder.
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I became particularly disturbed
by a man I called The Hendon Ogre.
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A maniac from North London who had
boiled the arsenic out of fly papers
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and introduced the result
into his lodger's broth.
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I'd lie awake for hours,
thinking of the brute,
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terrified someone was slipping
arsenic into my diet.
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In the mornings, I'd inspect
grapefruit and milk bottle tops
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looking for evidence of interference
with syringes.
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Trivial events became vital clues
in the detection of my assassin.
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If the telephone rang at half past
four, I'd look at the clock and say,
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"it was half past four when the
telephone rang that fateful evening.
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"How could anyone
have known at the time
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"how important that telephone call
was to become?"
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My situation became unbearable.
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I suspected everyone and everything.
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Innocent passersby.
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Creeks in the corridor.
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Bumps in the night got so bad,
I started plugging my head shut.
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But I'd soon have to get up and
check for killers in the bathroom,
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in the kitchen...
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in the fridge,
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or in the hallway,
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where they kept a low profile,
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crawling about in the shadows,
lurking behind creaky doors.
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Ah!
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Bloody windows, bloody draughts.
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Oh, God, come on.
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Argh!
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This fear that I would be murdered
all began sometime before.
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At lunch, to be exact.
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The day I saw my literary agent...
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- Newspaper?
- .. Clair De Grunwald.
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- Thanks.
- No problem.
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She'd arranged to meet me at
a respectable establishment in Soho.
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You like newspaper?
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- Shall I bring sir the wine list?
- Yes. Okay.
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Pleasure.
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"The body was found
in the East End of London,
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"but the Hanoi Handshake
is the unmistakable calling card
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"of a Vietnamese gang killing.
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"According to one unnamed
police source
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"downtown Hackney,
also known as Little Vietnam
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"is now a bloody jungle...
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"of organized crime.
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"The missing fingers have yet
to be found."
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Newspaper?
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- Whoa, hey, no...
- Sir.
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- No, it... Please...
- Jack?
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- Clair.
- Under the table already?
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It's not even 12:00.
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- No, I...
- I'm sorry.
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I'm afraid I only have an hour.
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I've got to go
meet Ragsie Lawrence.
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Remember Ragsie?
The dancing dyke?
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She's just been made
commissioning editor at the BBC.
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Can you believe it?
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Never underestimate a hunchback,
that's what I say.
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- Are you staying there all lunch?
- No, sorry.
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Anyway...
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It's good timing. I can tell her
how busy you are with your murders.
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- Up to my elbows.
- Good.
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- Do you have a title?
- "Decades of Death".
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- Chilling.
- Well, if you want murder...
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...then Victorian Britain
is the golden age.
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I think murder's lost its sense
of theatre. What do we have now?
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- It's just like kids...
- Mindless violence?
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Exactly. Yes. Killers don't put any
thought into their murders anymore.
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- Have you heard of Long Ear?
- Can't say I have, no.
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Terrifying Polish plumber
who hacked off a Frenchman's head.
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Disposed of the limbs, but couldn't
think of what to do with the head.
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Eventually he utilized
his gas-fired crucible
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filled the mouth with lead,
slung the thing in the river.
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Can you imagine?
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I'm sorry, sir. This is a non-smoking
restaurant. Thank you.
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- Are you ready to order, madam?
- Do you know what you're having?
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I'll just have a beer.
I'm not very hungry.
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- One beer.
- This is my treat, darling.
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Well, then I will have the chicory
salad with asparagus croutons,
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chorizo and poached egg to start.
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Followed by the salmon
and leek fish cake
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with mushy peas, chips
and chive cream. Thank you. Lovely.
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People love a good murder.
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I began to tell Clair about
my good friend Professor Friedkin,
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author of an influential paper
on the criminal stare,
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an ocular condition
that instantly identified a madman.
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Monsieur?
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Jack?
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Jack? Jack?
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Jack?
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- Jack?
- Yes. Sorry.
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- Are you all right?
- Yes.
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Yes. I'm sorry.
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- What was I talking about?
- The book.
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- The criminal stare.
- Oh, yes, yes. the criminal stare.
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Yeah. I found... I've trawled through
hundreds of these photographs and...
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Um, when you kill someone,
when you take a life,
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you acquire these awful eyes,
you know, like a shark or a chicken.
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- How frightful.
- But it's not just a horror show.
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I've realised that's not the reason
I have to write this.
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No, it's a detective story, you see,
about how they become killers.
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How do they get there? What fills
them with need to victimize and kill?
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00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:07,000
- Why choose mass murder?
- Why not become a writer?
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Well, actually, writers
and serial killers are very similar.
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They're practically brothers.
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Hemingway says,
“What do you need to become a writer?
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"An unhappy childhood." It's
the same thing with serial killers.
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Whatever happened to the hedgehog?
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- What?
- He had to cross the road...
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...and go into the woods,
but he was afraid.
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00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:28,760
- Harold the Hedgehog?
- Harold the Hedgehog.
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Dear little chap.
Whatever happened to that story?
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- You never finished him.
- He nearly finished me.
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He wrecked my marriage,
prickly cunt.
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No, he did, Clair.
I'm sorry, the stress of it.
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Drove Catherine out of my life.
What do you wanna talk about him for?
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00:11:44,680 --> 00:11:48,120
Darling, I'm just thinking you need
to earn some money, that's all.
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This death thing could take a while.
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Timmy the Tortoise can't
pay the bills.
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I don't want him to. I didn't mean
to become a children's author.
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- It was a terrible accident.
- It was your destiny.
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Look, why not rattle off
a little bedtime story, mm?
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00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:06,280
- Timmy goes to the seaside perhaps?
- Oh, God.
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Or Harold. How did it start?
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"Once upon a time,
there was a hedgehog called Harold
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"Who lived in a bush."
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Or Little Johnny Rabbit.
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The world is dying
for another Little Johnny Rabbit.
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Little Johnny Rabbit is dead.
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So is Timmy,
so is the fucking hedgehog.
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They're lying in the road,
covered in blood. I killed them.
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Tell that to the kids.
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Darling, we're going
to make this work.
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Just try not to worry too much,
and take care of yourself.
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You know me better
than anyone, Clair.
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Yes, I do. You're a workaholic
and you're sensitive.
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I don't wanna see you go over
the edge like what's-his-name.
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00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:04,440
Clair's concerns about me
proved justified.
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Three weeks on and Long Ear's head
was playing on my mind.
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Life was hellish,
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but it was just about to get
a hell of a lot worse.
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Come on then, you bastards!
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Aaaaaargh!
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My knife.
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Ah!
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You mad bastard.
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Argh!
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Oh, God.
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Oh, I got an hour.
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The flying eye
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Oh, someone's on the loose.
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It was 5:00 when the telephone rang
that fateful evening.
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Shit, I could...
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Hello?
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Happy Christmas.
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00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:53,920
Happy Christmas.
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- What do you want?
- We're singing carols.
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Yeah, I can see that.
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00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:03,360
Well, ain't you gonna come out
and hear us then, bruv?
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No, I can hear you perfectly well
from up here. Thank you.
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We've been out for ages
and no one's given us nuffink yet.
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Well, honestly, I think you should
perhaps work on your repertoire.
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- Our what?
- Sorry I can't help you. Good night.
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But it's for Save the Children.
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00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:24,280
Kids who ain't got no food,
Nintendo or nothing, bruv.
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All right, all right. Wait there.
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- I'm coming down.
- Yes.
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You gonna open up this door, then,
or what, bruv?
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Um, I tell you what I'm gonna do.
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I'm gonna put some loose change
into this sock
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and then I'm gonna feed it
through the letter box.
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- Did you get that?
- Is it clean?
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00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:02,600
- Is it what?
- Is it clean?
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Is the sock clean, bruv?
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Well, it's not box fresh,
if that's what you mean.
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Do you want this money or not?
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Oh, God.
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00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:15,560
Who are you?
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00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,520
- You there?
- Yes. Yes.
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00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:21,160
I just... Stand back, okay?
Stand back.
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00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:25,400
Christ, can't you see I'm not in?
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00:18:26,360 --> 00:18:28,000
Er...
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Okay. Get ready.
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I'm opening my flap.
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00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:37,520
Here it comes. Gently does it.
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Gently.
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00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:42,960
God in heaven, will you just fuck off
and give me some peace?
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00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:46,440
Hey, wait. Just come back!
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00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:49,920
Oi! What about my sock?
You little thieving, you...
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00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:54,880
You... you did this.
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00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:57,320
You wanna hear my voice,
you sick fuck?
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00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:59,440
Hear this.
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00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:02,440
- Hello?
- Jack, it's Clair.
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00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,120
Hello?
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00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:06,160
- Jack, it's Clair.
- Clair.
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00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:09,440
Why haven't you been answering?
I've been calling for hours.
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00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:12,360
- I thought you were a wrong number.
- Well, listen.
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00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:16,920
I've just had a very excited man
on the phone.
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00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:19,800
- Have you?
- Yes. He's read your treatment...
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00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:23,760
...for "Decades of Death"
and he's very excited by your ideas.
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00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:26,480
He wants to meet you tonight
at eight o'clock.
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00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:28,160
Oh.
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00:19:28,320 --> 00:19:31,280
- I see. Eight o'clock?
- He's off to New York tomorrow.
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00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:34,880
- It's imperative you see him.
- Why is it imperative?
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00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:37,200
Because he's Harvey Humphries.
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00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:40,360
- Harvey Humphries? Who's he?
- Head of scripts.
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00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:44,440
Clair, look, can I see him
when he comes back from New York?
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00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:47,120
Because I've not been sleeping
very well and...
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Jack, he's genuinely excited.
The arrangements have all been made.
228
00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:54,280
Tonight, eight o'clock,
100 Humbolt Mews.
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00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:59,680
100 Humbolt Mews, eight...
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00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:02,880
- That's in one hour and 47 minutes.
- Wear a suit, please.
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00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,160
- I don't have any suits.
- Wear a clean shirt.
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00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:07,840
They're all dirty.
I'm down to my last sock.
233
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:10,680
Then you'll have to go
to the launderette, won't you?
234
00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:13,520
What? A launderette?
Are you serious?
235
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:15,320
I am. What's the problem?
236
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:19,880
It's just...
You're asking a lot, Clair, okay?
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00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:23,000
I don't do launderettes.
Never have done, never will.
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00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:24,800
It's no place for a man like me.
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00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:28,080
Exposing your most intimate articles
in front of strangers.
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00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:32,280
- Stop it, you're being ridiculous.
- You know me, Clair. I'm sensitive.
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00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:35,640
- I've never even bought toilet roll.
- All right, enough.
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00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:40,040
Jack, I've worked very hard getting
your script to the right people
243
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:43,000
and I'm afraid there's no interest.
244
00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:47,080
I said nothing because I didn't want
to disturb you. That's the reality.
245
00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:48,880
I can't see any other options.
246
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:51,520
It's Humphries or bust.
247
00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:56,320
- I understand.
- Good.
248
00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:58,680
Call and let me know
how it goes, darling.
249
00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:15,080
And so it was that I first came
to hear the name Harvey Humphries.
250
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:18,120
I had sat in every head of scripts
department in London,
251
00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:21,360
listening to these twats
full of white wine and arugula,
252
00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:23,480
but I had never heard of this man.
253
00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:26,760
"Harvey Humphries
of Humbolt Mews."
254
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:29,120
I didn't like the sound of it.
255
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:33,200
The name seemed innocent enough,
but there was something that jarred.
256
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:36,960
It might be the "Harvey Humphries
Humbolt" bit that was worrying me.
257
00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:39,800
But I had a friend,
Garry Gordon in Garrick Street.
258
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:41,920
And he'd never caused me
any problem.
259
00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:43,680
No.
260
00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:47,120
It was something stronger
than just a repetition of the H.
261
00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:50,240
It was more a sensation of having
heard Harvey Humphries
262
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:53,920
in some unsavory context.
263
00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:56,960
Harvey.
264
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,680
It was the Harvey.
265
00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:13,640
Harvey was the middle name
of Dr. Hawley Harvey Crippen,
266
00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:16,480
the Yank Who'd spent all night
in the basement
267
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:21,280
of 39 Hilldrop Crescent,
N5 separating his wife.
268
00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:24,000
He'd done her in lime.
269
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:26,200
Crippen had come from America.
270
00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:28,800
Humphries was going
to America within hours
271
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:30,880
of completing his business
with me.
272
00:22:32,120 --> 00:22:34,400
Was Humphries related to Crippen?
273
00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:38,480
Far-fetched as it might seem
to others, it was not impossible.
274
00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:41,040
Crippen was an American. Yes.
275
00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:42,520
And so was Humphries.
276
00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:46,200
Surely it was more than a coincidence
that a man going to America
277
00:22:46,400 --> 00:22:49,240
should be excited by a title
like "Decades of Death"
278
00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:54,040
and have the middle name of one of
the most famous killers of the lot.
279
00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:58,080
No.
280
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:00,400
No, no, no.
281
00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:05,240
Facts like that are beyond the realm
of coincidence.
282
00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:30,840
Hello? Who's there?
283
00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:32,880
Speak up, I can't hear you.
284
00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:37,720
Oh, no. Clair's not here just now.
285
00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:40,480
This is Irene.
286
00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:41,920
You want what?
287
00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:45,320
Harvey Humphries. Do you know
of a man called Harvey Humphries?
288
00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:47,600
Think carefully
before you answer, please.
289
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:52,560
- A man's life may be at stake.
- Oh, I'll have to think about this.
290
00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:55,400
Er, hold on a minute, love. Now...
291
00:23:55,520 --> 00:23:58,240
Can you tell her to call Jack back
regarding Harvey?
292
00:23:58,360 --> 00:24:00,400
Tell her it's
a matter of life and death.
293
00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:02,840
- Life and death?
- Yes. Tell her that exactly.
294
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:05,360
- Thank you.
- Right. Will do, dear.
295
00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:07,480
Okay, okay. Be rational, be rational.
296
00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:11,240
Clair was not in her office, so she
must've telephoned you from home.
297
00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:13,560
But as you don't have
her private number
298
00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:17,040
and she's ex-directory,
there's no way you can call her back.
299
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:20,160
I have to trust it was Clair,
and that she meant no malice.
300
00:24:20,360 --> 00:24:22,880
After all, she has no reason
to wish me any harm.
301
00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:27,120
She had no way of knowing
a man related to a murderer.
302
00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:30,520
Only a highly suspicious,
paranoid cynic...
303
00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:33,880
Or someone like me,
with an eye for clues and patterns
304
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:35,840
could possibly connect the dots.
305
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:39,720
Could see the truth staring him
in the face.
306
00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:43,840
That Harvey Humphries is in fact
Hawley Harvey Crippen's grandson.
307
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:45,640
No more questions, Your Honor.
308
00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:47,960
Ah!
309
00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:53,840
Right. That does it.
310
00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:56,360
Where's the superglue?
311
00:24:56,520 --> 00:24:59,640
Right. You've done nothing
but terrorise me for weeks.
312
00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:01,760
And I've had enough. I've had enough.
313
00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:04,280
Take that, and that, and that,
and that.
314
00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:08,200
Take that, take this, take this.
315
00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:12,760
Take that.
You didn't expect that, did you?
316
00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:16,000
Well, expect the unexpected, mate.
317
00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:25,200
God, that's quick.
318
00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:42,040
Hello? Anyone home?
319
00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:46,000
Yes? Hello?
320
00:25:46,160 --> 00:25:48,800
Are you the gentleman in Flat 3?
321
00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:50,320
Who is this?
322
00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:53,920
Community Support
Police Officer Perkins, sir.
323
00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:56,720
Good evening. How can I help you?
324
00:25:56,880 --> 00:26:00,080
Oh, no cause for alarm.
Just a routine call, sir.
325
00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:05,720
Some of the kids over on the estate
said you might be in some distress.
326
00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:11,120
How interesting.
327
00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:14,600
And what might I be
distressed about?
328
00:26:14,760 --> 00:26:16,640
Well, I have no idea, sir.
329
00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:19,080
Are you in any distress?
330
00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:22,480
No, I'm fine. I'm about to do some
washing and then go to bed.
331
00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:24,800
Oh, well. Just so you know,
332
00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:28,680
we're out on the beat
if you ever need assistance.
333
00:26:28,840 --> 00:26:31,000
I'm just across the road.
334
00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:35,200
Jesus Christ.
335
00:26:35,360 --> 00:26:38,720
Sorry, sir, sorry. Sorry.
I was just checking you were...
336
00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:41,160
Yeah, well,
I'm very sorry to bother you, sir.
337
00:26:41,360 --> 00:26:44,000
Er, I'll let you get back
to your laundry.
338
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:47,520
Policeman, my ass.
339
00:26:48,360 --> 00:26:50,280
He was looking for something.
340
00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:52,960
What was he up to?
341
00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:54,920
Jesus, nowhere's safe.
342
00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:59,440
Okay, Humphries, you want my script?
You can have it.
343
00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:01,880
If it means I finally get paid
decent money
344
00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:04,320
and get out of Hackney, you're on.
345
00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:06,640
Right. Where's my wardrobe?
346
00:27:06,760 --> 00:27:09,640
I'll show you, Clair,
I'll show you, Catherine,
347
00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:12,040
exactly what I am capable of. Oh!
348
00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:14,600
Jesus Christ.
349
00:27:16,360 --> 00:27:20,640
God. These aren't clothes,
this is refuse.
350
00:27:20,760 --> 00:27:23,760
I might as well take it
and dig it in around the roses.
351
00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:27,720
I'd do anything for a break
right now, but not the launderette.
352
00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:30,720
Not for Humphries,
not for any other man.
353
00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:34,760
Why should I?
I've got everything I need here.
354
00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:38,600
I've got water, I've got soap,
I've got drying facilities.
355
00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:40,160
I can do this, Jack.
356
00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:43,520
No more sleepless nights,
no more scuttling around in the dark.
357
00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:46,760
We'll meet this monster head-on.
Well-armed and well-dressed.
358
00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:51,640
A quick thrash in the tub for you,
my lovelies, then into the drier.
359
00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:56,240
Right. A good 15 minutes
on regular nine for the socks,
360
00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:59,840
five minutes less for the pants,
and we'll play the shirt by ear.
361
00:27:59,960 --> 00:28:01,480
Now, that's cooking with gas.
362
00:28:10,080 --> 00:28:13,880
Here's how to play it. When you get
to the meeting, refuse to sit down.
363
00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:17,040
Refuse all drinks and cigarettes.
Certainly all food.
364
00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:18,920
The meeting will be standing up.
365
00:28:19,120 --> 00:28:22,200
And if he leaves the room
to make a call, you go with him.
366
00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:31,200
I'll have a pretext for everything.
367
00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:35,840
I could take an apple or an onion
into the meeting.
368
00:28:36,040 --> 00:28:37,360
Yeah, that'd work.
369
00:28:37,520 --> 00:28:41,440
I could use it as a circumstance
to show him my carving knife.
370
00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:46,760
Ah! Ah!
371
00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:49,040
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
372
00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:51,080
Argh!
373
00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:15,880
Come on. Come on, come on.
374
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:22,480
AOW!
375
00:29:22,600 --> 00:29:24,840
Fuck. What the fuck
am I supposed to do now?
376
00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:27,520
Cut my fucking hand off?
377
00:29:31,120 --> 00:29:32,760
That's correct, officer.
378
00:29:32,880 --> 00:29:36,240
When I saw the knife, I simply
defended myself with the ice pick.
379
00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:39,520
I have no idea how the pick got stuck
in the back of his neck.
380
00:29:39,680 --> 00:29:43,840
I put him in the bathtub because the
blood was staining my Persian carpet.
381
00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:45,880
Oh!
382
00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:54,600
Argh!
383
00:29:54,720 --> 00:29:57,960
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
384
00:29:58,120 --> 00:29:59,560
Oh! Oh!
385
00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:17,480
I'm not dead yet, you bastards.
386
00:30:20,800 --> 00:30:23,400
Come on, Jack,
we can still do this.
387
00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:25,280
Against the odds,
we can beat them.
388
00:30:25,400 --> 00:30:28,600
Now, as I remember, this thing
has some seriously deep pockets.
389
00:30:28,720 --> 00:30:31,600
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I can hide a knife in there.
390
00:30:31,800 --> 00:30:33,600
That's like Loch Ness in there.
391
00:30:33,760 --> 00:30:36,640
You could hide a whole submarine
in there if you wanna.
392
00:30:36,800 --> 00:30:39,440
I'll just keep my coat on.
My hand on my ha'penny.
393
00:30:39,600 --> 00:30:42,440
Okay, don't let this guy
psyche you out, all right?
394
00:30:42,600 --> 00:30:44,600
You're a writer, Jack, remember?
395
00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:49,480
You can just outwit
this two-bit Hollywood gangster.
396
00:30:49,600 --> 00:30:51,000
Gangster?
397
00:30:52,000 --> 00:30:55,480
Say she didn't throw it away.
Please, please, please.
398
00:30:55,640 --> 00:30:58,280
Be in here. Be in here, be in here.
399
00:30:58,400 --> 00:31:00,680
Where are you? Where are you?
400
00:31:02,680 --> 00:31:07,000
"Uzilicious". My definitive
gangsta rap compilation.
401
00:31:07,160 --> 00:31:09,440
Yeah, yeah.
402
00:31:09,720 --> 00:31:13,080
I remember I wooed Catherine
with this shit.
403
00:31:13,200 --> 00:31:15,120
Hope it still works.
404
00:31:19,720 --> 00:31:22,840
Good times, old friend. Good times.
405
00:31:22,960 --> 00:31:27,040
If you can get me through college,
you can get me through anything.
406
00:31:37,120 --> 00:31:39,520
I drop a old-school beat.
407
00:31:44,720 --> 00:31:47,000
Yeah, yeah.
408
00:31:47,280 --> 00:31:49,440
Yeah, you wanna read
my script, bitch?
409
00:31:49,600 --> 00:31:52,360
You wanna polish my script?
You wanna polish my script?
410
00:31:52,480 --> 00:31:53,920
Is that what you're saying?
411
00:31:54,040 --> 00:31:56,680
What's up, bitch?
You wanna polish my script?
412
00:31:56,840 --> 00:31:59,720
Oh, sure. Polish this, motherfucker.
413
00:32:06,520 --> 00:32:08,680
I'm gonna step up to a man
called Humphries
414
00:32:08,800 --> 00:32:10,800
Wipe that shit up
just like cream cheese
415
00:32:10,920 --> 00:32:13,080
Up all night, y'all,
workin' the mic, y'all
416
00:32:13,280 --> 00:32:15,680
Smoking my pipe, y'all,
motherfucker
417
00:32:15,840 --> 00:32:17,760
Catherine,
this jam goes out to you.
418
00:32:17,920 --> 00:32:19,560
It's real, true dat from the heart.
419
00:32:19,720 --> 00:32:21,640
I just wanna say you're my girl.
420
00:32:21,840 --> 00:32:23,400
- Shut up.
- And I love you.
421
00:32:23,560 --> 00:32:24,960
Fuck.
422
00:32:27,480 --> 00:32:31,760
Who are you trying to fool, Jack?
You're not a G-man, you're a tit.
423
00:32:35,640 --> 00:32:38,280
What's that smell?
424
00:32:38,440 --> 00:32:42,040
Smells like burning garbage.
425
00:32:46,840 --> 00:32:49,360
No! Not the socks!
Not the socks!
426
00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:53,520
Argh! Damn it!
427
00:32:55,240 --> 00:32:57,400
Oh!
428
00:32:57,520 --> 00:33:00,480
Oh! Oh, my eyes!
429
00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:06,720
Ah, ah.
430
00:33:06,880 --> 00:33:09,160
Oh, God, the pants have gone up.
431
00:33:10,800 --> 00:33:14,160
And you'll have to go
to the launderette, won't you?
432
00:33:15,320 --> 00:33:17,800
- A launderette, are you serious?
- Of course I am.
433
00:33:17,960 --> 00:33:20,480
You'll have to go to the launderette,
won't you?
434
00:33:20,640 --> 00:33:22,920
You'll have to go
to the launderette.
435
00:33:23,080 --> 00:33:24,520
Argh!
436
00:33:32,480 --> 00:33:35,120
Okay, let's cut the cake.
437
00:33:35,280 --> 00:33:38,160
Dad, can you answer that?
It's Mr. Goofy. He's lost.
438
00:33:38,320 --> 00:33:41,280
Mr. Goofy is on my office line?
439
00:33:42,040 --> 00:33:43,480
Right, here we go.
440
00:33:46,760 --> 00:33:48,440
Hello. This is Dr. Friedkin.
441
00:33:48,640 --> 00:33:50,640
You've got to help me, Dr. Friedkin.
442
00:33:50,760 --> 00:33:52,200
Jack? Is this Jack?
443
00:33:52,400 --> 00:33:56,720
I can't take it anymore.
I'm gonna buckle, I swear to God.
444
00:33:56,880 --> 00:33:59,880
Well, it's my grandson's birthday.
445
00:34:02,160 --> 00:34:04,320
A phobia of launderettes?
446
00:34:04,480 --> 00:34:06,280
Oh, Jack. That's a new one to me.
447
00:34:06,480 --> 00:34:08,880
Wait, I'm confused.
Which case study is this?
448
00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:12,280
It's not a case, Dr. Friedkin.
It's me.
449
00:34:12,440 --> 00:34:14,240
I'm the problem. It's me.
450
00:34:14,440 --> 00:34:18,760
Okay, okay, calm down.
Just calm yourself.
451
00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:23,880
Jack, I want you
to take a deep breath.
452
00:34:24,080 --> 00:34:25,760
Now, inhale...
453
00:34:27,400 --> 00:34:30,360
and exhale. That's right.
454
00:34:31,680 --> 00:34:34,560
Fill your entire body.
455
00:34:34,720 --> 00:34:39,840
Imagine every cell being rinsed clean
with life-giving oxygen.
456
00:34:40,360 --> 00:34:44,080
Do you have any clues
where the origin of this phobia lies?
457
00:34:44,200 --> 00:34:46,360
I've had it all my life.
458
00:34:47,480 --> 00:34:49,880
I've tried to get on top of it.
459
00:34:50,640 --> 00:34:52,920
I went to a washhouse
when I was at college,
460
00:34:53,080 --> 00:34:54,960
but I was just so terrified,
461
00:34:55,080 --> 00:34:57,320
I accidentally trapped my load
in an OOO.
462
00:34:58,480 --> 00:34:59,920
An OOO?
463
00:35:00,120 --> 00:35:03,360
Yes. An out of order machine.
464
00:35:03,520 --> 00:35:08,440
I was in there with about six months'
of unimaginably sensitive material.
465
00:35:08,560 --> 00:35:10,960
The room gathered round,
engineers were called.
466
00:35:11,120 --> 00:35:13,760
- It was a nightmare.
- No. I sympathize with you.
467
00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:16,360
As unpleasant as the experience
may have been
468
00:35:16,560 --> 00:35:20,240
it cannot have been traumatic enough
to create such a phobia.
469
00:35:21,160 --> 00:35:23,320
It's ruining my life.
470
00:35:23,440 --> 00:35:26,320
Look, I can help you,
but you must be completely honest.
471
00:35:26,480 --> 00:35:27,800
And you must trust me.
472
00:35:28,720 --> 00:35:30,640
Close your eyes.
473
00:35:31,960 --> 00:35:34,560
I want you
to take another deep breath
474
00:35:34,720 --> 00:35:38,040
and imagine you are sitting here
with me now in my office
475
00:35:38,200 --> 00:35:40,600
having a consultation.
476
00:35:42,400 --> 00:35:44,880
Think of my office
like a space capsule.
477
00:35:45,040 --> 00:35:47,800
From here,
we can go anywhere in the universe,
478
00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:52,760
in space and time,
by the power of our mind.
479
00:35:52,920 --> 00:35:56,840
To your childhood, to your dreams.
480
00:35:59,520 --> 00:36:03,000
Can you see the little hedgehog?
481
00:36:03,400 --> 00:36:07,480
Frightened little hedgehog
lives in an old hedgerow
482
00:36:07,640 --> 00:36:10,000
by the church.
Can you see the spider?
483
00:36:10,160 --> 00:36:13,640
Clever spider.
Waiting in the shadows.
484
00:36:13,800 --> 00:36:16,560
And Mrs. Ladybird? And Mr. Rabbit?
485
00:36:16,720 --> 00:36:20,160
How about old farmer...?
486
00:36:31,720 --> 00:36:34,440
Did you have a happy childhood?
487
00:36:37,080 --> 00:36:40,080
- What is your earliest memory?
- The orphanage on fire.
488
00:36:41,480 --> 00:36:44,000
- You're being facetious.
- No, I'm not, really.
489
00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:47,520
The orphanage I was in caught fire.
November the 5th, 1979.
490
00:36:47,680 --> 00:36:50,160
Somebody let off a Roman candle
in the dormitory.
491
00:36:50,320 --> 00:36:52,000
Luckily no one was hurt.
492
00:36:52,160 --> 00:36:54,880
You're an orphan?
I'm sorry, I didn't...
493
00:36:55,040 --> 00:36:58,120
My mother abandoned me
when I was 5 years old.
494
00:36:58,680 --> 00:37:01,640
She just packed
a little suitcase for me one day
495
00:37:01,880 --> 00:37:03,520
and disappeared.
496
00:37:06,000 --> 00:37:08,280
How did it happen, Jack?
497
00:37:09,640 --> 00:37:13,240
- It's all right to feel vulnerable.
- These pyjamas aren't helping.
498
00:37:14,520 --> 00:37:15,960
Try, Jack.
499
00:37:16,560 --> 00:37:19,320
Try to go back.
500
00:37:19,760 --> 00:37:23,680
The only memory I have of my mother
is of a book she gave me.
501
00:37:23,840 --> 00:37:28,400
Fairy tales I suppose you call them.
With these awful talking rodents.
502
00:37:28,600 --> 00:37:30,960
Look, truth is it doesn't bother me.
503
00:37:31,120 --> 00:37:33,760
I don't miss my mother
because I don't remember her.
504
00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:37,800
I just...
I'm sick of these irrational fears.
505
00:37:37,920 --> 00:37:41,280
Like the bloody launderette.
It's stopping me from living my life.
506
00:37:41,440 --> 00:37:45,640
Well, you can do something about it.
You're not a child anymore.
507
00:37:45,840 --> 00:37:48,720
I once treated a girl
who had a phobia of bananas.
508
00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:52,400
When this girl came to me,
she was so pleased with herself.
509
00:37:52,560 --> 00:37:54,680
She'd been able
to overcome her phobia
510
00:37:54,800 --> 00:37:58,640
to the extent that she could sit
in the same room as a closed banana.
511
00:37:58,800 --> 00:38:03,120
It had to stay closed, unzipped, or
else she'd go completely psychotic.
512
00:38:03,280 --> 00:38:06,720
But the point is, open or closed,
she had not made the connection
513
00:38:06,880 --> 00:38:08,880
between her phobia and her fear.
514
00:38:09,720 --> 00:38:12,600
- Of bananas?
- No. It was something else.
515
00:38:12,800 --> 00:38:15,920
A past trauma. Something more
threatening than a mere banana.
516
00:38:16,120 --> 00:38:18,360
Do you understand?
It's like a movie screen.
517
00:38:18,520 --> 00:38:21,040
She projected her fear
onto the banana
518
00:38:21,200 --> 00:38:24,440
because looking directly
at her trauma was too terrifying.
519
00:38:24,640 --> 00:38:26,080
It was a projection.
520
00:38:26,280 --> 00:38:28,920
- Onto a piece of fruit?
- Exactly.
521
00:38:29,080 --> 00:38:32,080
Her banana's no different
to your launderette.
522
00:38:34,640 --> 00:38:37,600
I also have a recurring nightmare
about an eyeball.
523
00:38:39,320 --> 00:38:42,200
- What sort of eyeball?
- The giant, floating kind.
524
00:38:42,360 --> 00:38:45,320
Sort of eye of death, watching me.
525
00:38:45,480 --> 00:38:49,320
All fears and neurosis can be traced
back to our early childhood.
526
00:38:49,480 --> 00:38:54,880
To the first terrifying recognition
that we are alone in the world.
527
00:38:55,080 --> 00:38:57,920
When a child is abandoned,
it has no concept of time.
528
00:38:58,080 --> 00:39:00,360
No understanding
that things can get better.
529
00:39:00,520 --> 00:39:05,560
That there is hope. For a child,
Jack, mother equals life.
530
00:39:05,760 --> 00:39:07,200
Take away the mother
531
00:39:07,400 --> 00:39:11,840
and the child is literally
swallowed by death.
532
00:39:13,840 --> 00:39:16,000
But I didn't die, did I?
533
00:39:16,120 --> 00:39:18,720
No. You lived.
534
00:39:18,880 --> 00:39:21,400
To experience your own death.
535
00:39:25,880 --> 00:39:28,400
That's some scary shit, Dr. Friedkin.
536
00:39:28,560 --> 00:39:31,800
It's the primal trauma
we are all trying to forget.
537
00:39:32,640 --> 00:39:34,440
To bury in our subconscious.
538
00:39:34,640 --> 00:39:39,280
But it inevitably finds expression
either in dreams or fears
539
00:39:39,440 --> 00:39:41,800
or infantile fantasies.
540
00:39:41,960 --> 00:39:44,720
Dad? How much longer
are you gonna be in there?
541
00:39:44,880 --> 00:39:49,680
Just finishing up, sweet pea.
I'm sorry, Jack. We have to end now.
542
00:39:49,840 --> 00:39:52,320
I don't know how to thank you,
Dr. Friedkin.
543
00:39:55,680 --> 00:39:59,720
Perhaps as a teenager, you were
subliminally drawn to that OOO,
544
00:39:59,840 --> 00:40:02,480
because somewhere deep
in your subconscious,
545
00:40:02,640 --> 00:40:05,280
you recognised
that you, too, are out of order.
546
00:40:05,440 --> 00:40:07,360
Broken. You don't work anymore.
547
00:40:07,720 --> 00:40:10,120
The primary defence mechanisms
you relied on
548
00:40:10,280 --> 00:40:13,640
to get you through childhood
no longer support you as an adult.
549
00:40:13,800 --> 00:40:15,360
I'm sorry.
550
00:40:15,840 --> 00:40:18,360
You're fucked up, Jack.
You need therapy.
551
00:40:18,520 --> 00:40:20,520
I haven't got time.
I've got a meeting.
552
00:40:20,680 --> 00:40:22,480
Return to the scene of the crime
553
00:40:22,640 --> 00:40:25,880
and retrieve those unwashed articles
locked in the machine.
554
00:40:26,040 --> 00:40:28,320
Release your raw, true, inner self.
555
00:40:28,640 --> 00:40:31,880
Begin a new life, free from fear.
556
00:40:32,440 --> 00:40:34,320
Fear of death.
557
00:40:39,520 --> 00:40:43,840
The irony is we must all journey
through Hades
558
00:40:44,040 --> 00:40:46,080
before we can reach our heaven.
559
00:40:47,560 --> 00:40:53,320
Dr. Friedkin,
I think it's time I faced my banana.
560
00:41:05,600 --> 00:41:08,840
Ooh! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
561
00:41:24,080 --> 00:41:26,200
Oh. Oh.
562
00:41:30,920 --> 00:41:33,440
It's step-up time, yo, motherfucker.
563
00:42:37,560 --> 00:42:39,480
It's all right, mate. It's all right.
564
00:42:39,640 --> 00:42:41,760
What the fuck?
565
00:42:47,360 --> 00:42:49,040
Everything all right, sir?
566
00:42:49,200 --> 00:42:51,120
Yes. Yes, I'm fine, thank you.
567
00:42:51,280 --> 00:42:55,120
- Looks like you're in a hurry.
- Yes, well, I have an appointment.
568
00:42:59,840 --> 00:43:01,880
With death.
569
00:43:02,960 --> 00:43:06,280
- Excuse me?
- I mean, with the launderette.
570
00:43:06,440 --> 00:43:09,080
I'm going to wash some socks.
571
00:43:09,240 --> 00:43:12,360
- There's no crime in that, is there?
- Not that I'm aware of.
572
00:43:12,520 --> 00:43:15,360
Good. Well, I'll be on my way, then.
Good night.
573
00:43:15,480 --> 00:43:17,120
Good night.
574
00:43:26,000 --> 00:43:28,160
Keep it together, keep it together.
575
00:43:28,280 --> 00:43:32,000
It's only a banana. It's not him
you're afraid of, it's only...
576
00:43:36,560 --> 00:43:39,200
Okay. Stick to the plan.
577
00:43:39,360 --> 00:43:41,880
If I move fast, I can get in
and out in half an hour.
578
00:43:42,000 --> 00:43:44,760
That leaves 20 minutes
to change and get a taxi north.
579
00:43:44,880 --> 00:43:46,640
No room for error.
580
00:43:53,320 --> 00:43:58,000
"Everything automatic.
One, open the door.
581
00:43:58,200 --> 00:44:00,320
"Two, get the clothes in.
582
00:44:00,480 --> 00:44:04,560
"Three, shut the door
and have two pound coins ready.
583
00:44:04,760 --> 00:44:07,760
"Four, place the money in the slot.
584
00:44:07,920 --> 00:44:10,400
"Five, push your slot in."
585
00:44:19,560 --> 00:44:20,880
Great.
586
00:44:21,960 --> 00:44:23,640
How do I manage it?
587
00:44:23,840 --> 00:44:27,560
I've managed to create a bad
impression. I'm still in the street.
588
00:44:28,240 --> 00:44:32,200
Okay. Okay, you can do this.
You can do this.
589
00:45:01,960 --> 00:45:03,960
Looks like my lucky day.
590
00:45:04,080 --> 00:45:07,800
Only four people
and no visible infants.
591
00:45:07,920 --> 00:45:09,680
There, look.
592
00:45:09,840 --> 00:45:13,080
The atmosphere's easing a little.
I'm blending in.
593
00:45:21,120 --> 00:45:25,080
Okay, so far so good.
I'm already up to number three.
594
00:45:25,640 --> 00:45:28,280
"Shut the door,
have two pound coins ready.
595
00:45:32,480 --> 00:45:35,200
"Four, put the money in. Five..."
596
00:45:38,680 --> 00:45:41,440
Shit. These signs are older
than the machines.
597
00:45:41,640 --> 00:45:43,320
What do I do now?
598
00:45:43,680 --> 00:45:45,120
Heavy soil.
599
00:45:48,960 --> 00:45:51,600
Jesus, it's over.
600
00:45:51,760 --> 00:45:55,840
All I have to do is stand in front of
it until the things come out clean.
601
00:46:14,240 --> 00:46:17,200
I need to check out
those drying machines.
602
00:46:21,160 --> 00:46:24,880
Interesting. It appears
the technique is to open the door
603
00:46:25,040 --> 00:46:27,320
and grab the dry things
as they fly past.
604
00:46:27,480 --> 00:46:31,320
So more heat gets concentrated
into bulkier items such as woollens.
605
00:46:31,480 --> 00:46:33,640
While at the same time
anything fragile
606
00:46:33,760 --> 00:46:35,880
are spared unnecessary exposure.
607
00:46:36,160 --> 00:46:38,280
I'll have to remember
that for my shirt.
608
00:46:38,440 --> 00:46:39,960
Wait.
609
00:46:41,000 --> 00:46:42,440
Something's wrong.
610
00:46:42,600 --> 00:46:46,680
I'm spinning without a problem,
but mine's different to the others.
611
00:46:46,880 --> 00:46:49,000
What is this? I can't afford a hitch.
612
00:46:49,160 --> 00:46:50,680
Excuse me.
613
00:46:50,840 --> 00:46:53,440
- Mine hasn't gone white yet.
- What hasn't?
614
00:46:53,600 --> 00:46:55,760
My washing water. Look.
615
00:46:58,960 --> 00:47:00,840
You didn't put no soap in.
616
00:47:01,000 --> 00:47:05,160
- I thought the machine did it.
- Machine don't put own soap in.
617
00:47:05,320 --> 00:47:07,600
You have to put soap in.
Where your soap?
618
00:47:07,760 --> 00:47:10,640
I haven't got any.
It says everything's automatic.
619
00:47:10,840 --> 00:47:14,200
See number six, "Add detergent."
620
00:47:15,240 --> 00:47:16,800
No.
621
00:47:17,560 --> 00:47:19,240
What am I gonna do?
622
00:47:19,400 --> 00:47:24,040
- It's not gonna get washed, is it?
- Not without soap.
623
00:47:25,120 --> 00:47:27,640
I've done it again.
How is it possible
624
00:47:27,760 --> 00:47:30,640
to keep putting things into machines
without getting them clean?
625
00:47:30,800 --> 00:47:33,080
Look here. Have you got any soap?
626
00:47:33,240 --> 00:47:36,080
Soap in slot machine one pound.
627
00:47:43,680 --> 00:47:45,360
Here, soap.
628
00:47:45,680 --> 00:47:47,240
Thanks.
629
00:47:50,640 --> 00:47:52,560
Not now.
630
00:47:52,720 --> 00:47:55,960
You cannot put soap in now,
you've missed your cycle.
631
00:47:56,120 --> 00:47:57,440
You wait.
632
00:47:57,640 --> 00:48:00,880
- Tell me when to put the soap.
- No. I'm in hurry to go home.
633
00:48:01,040 --> 00:48:02,680
So am I.
634
00:48:02,800 --> 00:48:05,680
You haven't been here
since 8:00 this morning.
635
00:48:06,200 --> 00:48:08,200
What've you got in there?
636
00:48:09,360 --> 00:48:11,640
- A shirt and some socks.
- That's it?
637
00:48:12,240 --> 00:48:13,880
No.
638
00:48:15,120 --> 00:48:18,080
- There's a pair in there as well.
- A pair?
639
00:48:18,240 --> 00:48:19,880
A pair of underpants?
640
00:48:20,200 --> 00:48:23,640
- That's all you put in machine?
- I'm allowed to, aren't I?
641
00:48:23,760 --> 00:48:26,040
You can put in a handkerchief
for all I care.
642
00:48:26,200 --> 00:48:28,840
But I think
it's a criminal waste of water.
643
00:48:28,960 --> 00:48:32,160
Sorry. How right you are.
644
00:48:32,280 --> 00:48:35,760
In fact in a funny way,
crime is the only reason I'm here.
645
00:48:35,920 --> 00:48:38,200
I'm going home.
It's half past seven.
646
00:48:38,360 --> 00:48:41,000
Actually it's 7:20.
But if I'd been in here
647
00:48:41,200 --> 00:48:44,920
since 8:00, I'd have started lying
about more than the time to get out.
648
00:48:48,920 --> 00:48:52,160
- We'll miss out the drying.
- Yeah, I agree.
649
00:49:02,120 --> 00:49:03,800
I've missed my cycle.
650
00:49:04,000 --> 00:49:05,640
Will it still get clean?
651
00:49:05,800 --> 00:49:08,680
I'm gonna have to chance it.
I'm cutting it fine as it is.
652
00:49:08,880 --> 00:49:11,640
And why do I seem to be the only one
with a machine
653
00:49:11,800 --> 00:49:14,080
that refuses to stop spinning?
654
00:49:21,720 --> 00:49:24,000
Those two are beginning
to annoy me.
655
00:49:24,200 --> 00:49:28,040
Especially the one in the rollers
who looks like Caligula.
656
00:49:28,200 --> 00:49:30,360
She's obviously the ring leader.
657
00:49:32,480 --> 00:49:34,760
What the hell are they staring at?
658
00:49:34,960 --> 00:49:37,560
I imagine they live
pretty mundane lives here
659
00:49:37,720 --> 00:49:40,120
in these launderettes, but even so.
660
00:49:40,600 --> 00:49:44,160
It's over. I'm free.
Get me out of here.
661
00:50:11,160 --> 00:50:13,080
Oh, no. A beautiful girl.
662
00:50:13,280 --> 00:50:15,080
That's the last thing I need.
663
00:50:15,200 --> 00:50:17,840
It's bad enough
shifting underwear with these louts.
664
00:50:18,000 --> 00:50:20,400
Now I'm gonna have to do it
with her watching.
665
00:50:21,800 --> 00:50:25,280
Better be discrete,
it's down to the dryers now.
666
00:50:37,240 --> 00:50:38,800
I'll just hang back here.
667
00:50:38,960 --> 00:50:41,560
Hope the beautiful girl
doesn't notice my presence.
668
00:50:44,560 --> 00:50:46,720
She's trying to block my view
of her dryer.
669
00:50:46,920 --> 00:50:49,320
What does she think I am?
A Peeping Tom?
670
00:50:50,160 --> 00:50:54,440
Jesus. The size of that.
I've never seen anything like it.
671
00:50:54,920 --> 00:50:58,640
And another. That thing
must have "Dunlap" written on it.
672
00:50:58,800 --> 00:51:02,040
Oh, thanks. Thanks very much.
673
00:51:02,160 --> 00:51:04,200
That's just downright impolite.
674
00:51:04,360 --> 00:51:07,600
Listen, darling, I don't wanna look
at your fucking underwear.
675
00:51:07,760 --> 00:51:11,240
Might excite the gentlemen in your
life, but as far as I'm concerned
676
00:51:11,440 --> 00:51:15,160
it's about as sexy as a couple of
buckets, which is what it looks like.
677
00:51:26,040 --> 00:51:28,400
I look like something
out of a horror movie.
678
00:51:28,520 --> 00:51:30,560
All those little ruptured
blonde hairs.
679
00:51:30,720 --> 00:51:33,480
My head looks
like a Swede's scrotum.
680
00:51:33,680 --> 00:51:37,840
No wonder they've been watching me.
I look horrifying.
681
00:51:38,000 --> 00:51:40,000
I'm a monster.
682
00:51:42,720 --> 00:51:44,280
What to do?
683
00:51:46,920 --> 00:51:48,960
I've still got half an hour.
684
00:51:49,200 --> 00:51:53,400
I could go to the service station,
get some big sunglasses.
685
00:51:53,600 --> 00:51:56,200
Yeah. Yeah.
686
00:51:56,360 --> 00:51:57,800
Yeah, it could work.
687
00:51:58,000 --> 00:52:00,840
Yeah, motherfucker. Hood up.
688
00:52:01,000 --> 00:52:04,960
Right, I've gotta get out of here.
And quick.
689
00:52:05,440 --> 00:52:07,840
A bit of dampness
never hurt anybody.
690
00:52:37,720 --> 00:52:40,240
Forget them. They're lost forever.
691
00:52:40,440 --> 00:52:42,480
Just get the sock and the shirt.
692
00:52:45,280 --> 00:52:47,040
Excuse me.
693
00:52:48,120 --> 00:52:49,440
Are these yours?
694
00:52:51,720 --> 00:52:53,160
No.
695
00:52:53,320 --> 00:52:54,880
No. Nothing to do with me.
696
00:52:58,360 --> 00:53:01,600
- Are they yours?
- They're his. I saw them come out.
697
00:53:03,960 --> 00:53:06,600
- Excuse me. What's your name?
- John.
698
00:53:06,760 --> 00:53:09,280
- My name is John.
- Then they are yours.
699
00:53:09,440 --> 00:53:12,320
It's embroidered inside
on a little tab.
700
00:53:13,680 --> 00:53:16,160
Yes. Yes, they are.
They are mine, yes.
701
00:53:16,320 --> 00:53:18,200
Lent them to somebody,
long time ago.
702
00:53:18,360 --> 00:53:20,640
Not sure
how they got into my wash actually.
703
00:53:21,040 --> 00:53:23,040
- Don't you want them?
- No.
704
00:53:23,200 --> 00:53:25,000
No. No, thank you.
705
00:53:25,440 --> 00:53:28,160
- I don't want them.
- Throw them in the bin, love.
706
00:53:28,320 --> 00:53:30,560
Yes, thank you.
You've been very kind.
707
00:53:30,720 --> 00:53:32,280
Look out. He's got a blade.
708
00:53:35,080 --> 00:53:38,760
It's not what it looks like.
I'm not gonna hurt anybody. Really.
709
00:53:38,880 --> 00:53:41,880
I'm a professional writer.
For television. Don't go.
710
00:53:42,160 --> 00:53:43,560
- Call the cops!
- Please.
711
00:53:43,680 --> 00:53:46,800
- Call the cops!
- No, no. Stop, stop, stop.
712
00:53:47,680 --> 00:53:49,240
Argh!
713
00:53:50,200 --> 00:53:52,480
- Go.
- Get.
714
00:53:52,640 --> 00:53:54,920
Where's the cops?
715
00:53:58,480 --> 00:54:01,240
Go that way. Take that route,
gotta get that next one.
716
00:54:15,440 --> 00:54:17,120
Half past.
717
00:54:17,960 --> 00:54:20,000
I've still got 20 minutes.
718
00:54:27,360 --> 00:54:29,760
- Back off.
- Please, I can explain.
719
00:54:29,920 --> 00:54:33,040
- Let me out. I can explain.
- No way. Go on, stay back.
720
00:54:33,200 --> 00:54:38,120
Look, I know I look weird,
but I'm a writer.
721
00:54:38,240 --> 00:54:39,880
I don't normally look like this
722
00:54:40,000 --> 00:54:42,160
and I certainly don't wanna
use this knife.
723
00:54:42,320 --> 00:54:44,600
Please, I have
a really important meeting.
724
00:54:44,800 --> 00:54:48,280
Not interested, mate, okay?
And I said back off.
725
00:54:48,480 --> 00:54:50,480
There must be another
way out of here.
726
00:54:52,040 --> 00:54:53,360
Jen.
727
00:54:57,640 --> 00:54:59,640
They're coming. They're coming.
728
00:54:59,800 --> 00:55:01,680
Hang on, I can hear the sirens.
729
00:55:01,840 --> 00:55:04,680
- Hurry up. He's trying to get out.
- Come on, Clair.
730
00:55:04,840 --> 00:55:09,040
Come on, pick up, pick up.
Come on, Clair. Pick up, pick up.
731
00:55:09,840 --> 00:55:12,440
Come on.
732
00:55:19,480 --> 00:55:20,880
Oh.
733
00:55:21,000 --> 00:55:24,720
- You say he threatened you?
- I'll say he's sick as a pig.
734
00:55:28,600 --> 00:55:31,840
- Stand by. We got a nutter.
- Hurry. He's trying to get away.
735
00:55:32,000 --> 00:55:33,640
Okay, stand back.
736
00:55:34,760 --> 00:55:38,120
Roger. About to apprehend
said knife man. Over.
737
00:55:39,280 --> 00:55:40,920
Positions.
738
00:55:42,840 --> 00:55:44,520
Follow. Follow. Follow.
739
00:55:44,720 --> 00:55:46,520
- I'm in.
- Right.
740
00:55:46,680 --> 00:55:48,560
- Yeah.
- I can't see him.
741
00:55:48,720 --> 00:55:51,240
Dryers clear, sarge. Dryers clear.
742
00:55:51,400 --> 00:55:53,520
No visuals. No visuals. No visuals.
743
00:55:53,680 --> 00:55:56,080
- Where is he?
- Is this the right launderette?
744
00:55:56,240 --> 00:55:58,160
- Covered.
- Stay still!
745
00:55:58,280 --> 00:56:00,880
What should I do?
Come on, stay still!
746
00:56:02,000 --> 00:56:05,000
All right, sonny. Drop the knife.
747
00:56:05,160 --> 00:56:08,000
Now. Drop the knife. Step forward.
748
00:56:08,160 --> 00:56:10,080
Hands up where we can see them!
749
00:56:10,200 --> 00:56:12,360
I'm not here to hurt anybody.
750
00:56:13,520 --> 00:56:15,080
I'm a professional writer.
751
00:56:15,200 --> 00:56:17,840
Drop the knife,
don't give me no mumbo.
752
00:56:18,000 --> 00:56:20,840
- Mumbo?
- Mumbo jumbo.
753
00:56:21,000 --> 00:56:22,920
- Well, it's stuck.
- You heard. Drop it.
754
00:56:23,040 --> 00:56:24,920
We want the knife, bitch.
755
00:56:25,040 --> 00:56:27,160
- Be my guest.
- Tase him.
756
00:56:28,040 --> 00:56:30,440
Ow... Aaargh!
757
00:58:27,440 --> 00:58:28,880
This way please, sir.
758
00:58:30,080 --> 00:58:32,840
All right back off, sonny, back off.
Out of the way.
759
00:58:33,040 --> 00:58:35,800
Help him get that off.
I can't take him anywhere with that.
760
00:58:35,960 --> 00:58:37,400
Okay, this way, sir.
761
00:58:37,600 --> 00:58:40,000
Sir, you do not have to say anything.
762
00:58:40,120 --> 00:58:43,000
Anything you do say
may be given in evidence.
763
00:58:43,200 --> 00:58:45,360
He wants locking up, that boy.
764
00:58:45,520 --> 00:58:48,520
- Lock him up.
- It's not me you should be after.
765
00:58:48,680 --> 00:58:51,160
It's this bastard
in North London, Harvey...
766
00:58:51,320 --> 00:58:53,080
- That's blinding.
- All right.
767
00:58:53,240 --> 00:58:55,840
Filming for "Beat Cops", mate.
It's gonna be on TV.
768
00:58:56,840 --> 00:58:58,600
Anything you wanna say?
769
00:58:58,720 --> 00:59:03,600
No. Go away. This is my life.
This is not some excuse for cheap TV.
770
00:59:03,720 --> 00:59:05,640
- Aow!
- You're being very brave.
771
00:59:05,760 --> 00:59:07,640
Bugger off. You got what you want.
772
00:59:07,760 --> 00:59:10,400
Sarge, look, I set fire to myself
before I came out
773
00:59:10,520 --> 00:59:12,280
then I glued this knife to my hand.
774
00:59:12,400 --> 00:59:14,080
- You threatened the ladies.
- I didn't.
775
00:59:14,200 --> 00:59:16,240
- They say you did.
- I really didn't.
776
00:59:16,440 --> 00:59:18,720
Please, can you tell them.
I didn't, did I?
777
00:59:18,880 --> 00:59:20,800
No. He just sort of got it out.
778
00:59:21,000 --> 00:59:23,360
He can tell us all about it
down the station.
779
00:59:23,520 --> 00:59:26,880
- Right. He is done.
- Okay, everyone.
780
00:59:28,440 --> 00:59:30,480
It's over. Go back to your homes.
781
00:59:30,680 --> 00:59:32,000
Safety has been restored.
782
00:59:32,200 --> 00:59:34,240
- Thank you, everyone.
- See you later.
783
00:59:36,040 --> 00:59:38,920
- Load him up.
- Wait. I'm innocent.
784
00:59:39,120 --> 00:59:42,120
Look, I've got a meeting
this evening. Tell him I'm safe.
785
00:59:42,280 --> 00:59:44,560
Enough or I'll do you
for resisting arrest.
786
00:59:44,960 --> 00:59:48,200
I'm a victim of circumstance.
787
00:59:50,440 --> 00:59:53,200
All units, Mare Street. Go. Go. Go.
788
00:59:53,360 --> 00:59:56,120
- Sarge?
- Little Vietnam, big trouble.
789
00:59:56,240 --> 00:59:58,280
What do we do with Paddington?
790
00:59:58,440 --> 01:00:02,880
- Take him. Chuck him in the van.
- Hey, no way. I've got a meeting.
791
01:00:03,560 --> 01:00:05,680
Come on, then! Shake a leg!
792
01:00:05,800 --> 01:00:08,000
Follow that chopper!
793
01:00:11,560 --> 01:00:14,560
- Oh, for Pete's sake.
- Mirror, signal, manoeuvre.
794
01:00:14,720 --> 01:00:16,640
Shut up!
I am driving this truck.
795
01:00:36,080 --> 01:00:38,600
Looks like they let you go after all.
796
01:00:39,400 --> 01:00:41,080
You're free.
797
01:00:41,880 --> 01:00:43,760
Free.
798
01:00:48,560 --> 01:00:50,480
It's fate.
799
01:00:51,320 --> 01:00:53,960
I'm facing my demons.
800
01:00:55,920 --> 01:00:58,080
And I'm winning.
801
01:01:01,960 --> 01:01:03,880
I'm free.
802
01:01:04,760 --> 01:01:08,720
Come on, stars!
Give me your best shot.
803
01:01:09,320 --> 01:01:11,120
I'm ready.
804
01:01:13,320 --> 01:01:15,080
Let's do this.
805
01:01:15,200 --> 01:01:16,680
Oops.
806
01:01:16,840 --> 01:01:20,080
- Evening, sir.
- Sorry, officer.
807
01:01:20,200 --> 01:01:23,080
- Something funny, sir?
- No, I'm just happy.
808
01:01:23,200 --> 01:01:26,400
Happy? Are you drunk, sir?
809
01:01:26,520 --> 01:01:28,080
- No, I'm a writer.
- Oh, yeah?
810
01:01:28,240 --> 01:01:31,000
I'm on my way to meet
a Hollywood movie mogul actually.
811
01:01:31,200 --> 01:01:33,480
- You're kidding?
- He's very interested...
812
01:01:33,640 --> 01:01:35,920
...in buying my script
about serial killers.
813
01:01:36,040 --> 01:01:40,080
You don't say. Are you all right?
Did you get your laundry done?
814
01:01:40,240 --> 01:01:41,920
No. Maybe another night.
815
01:01:42,080 --> 01:01:45,040
Oh, well.
Well, good night then, miss.
816
01:01:45,200 --> 01:01:46,840
Night, sir.
817
01:02:02,360 --> 01:02:04,520
You must return
to the scene of the crime
818
01:02:04,640 --> 01:02:07,360
and retrieve those unwashed articles
in the machine.
819
01:02:07,520 --> 01:02:10,040
Release your raw, true, inner self.
820
01:02:10,200 --> 01:02:13,560
Begin a new life, free from fear.
821
01:02:28,400 --> 01:02:31,240
Okay. Okay, I got this.
822
01:02:31,400 --> 01:02:36,440
Dr. Friedkin,
one banana signed, peeled and...
823
01:02:36,600 --> 01:02:39,960
Huh?
824
01:04:53,320 --> 01:04:55,960
- Oh, my God, what happened?
- I don't know.
825
01:04:56,120 --> 01:04:58,280
How do we get out of here?
826
01:05:05,960 --> 01:05:08,480
Oh, my God, what happened?
How did we get here?
827
01:05:10,160 --> 01:05:11,960
I was walking down the road.
828
01:05:12,120 --> 01:05:15,600
Yeah, I was walking down the alley
and I heard a noise and...
829
01:05:15,800 --> 01:05:17,120
Oh, God, I feel sick.
830
01:05:17,280 --> 01:05:20,120
Oh, my God. I have
to let my parents know I'm here.
831
01:05:20,280 --> 01:05:24,000
They'll panic, they'll panic.
I don't want them to panic.
832
01:05:24,120 --> 01:05:26,640
What's that?
833
01:05:26,800 --> 01:05:28,560
You're gonna heave?
834
01:05:28,680 --> 01:05:30,600
- You can't leave?
- I can't breathe.
835
01:05:30,760 --> 01:05:32,920
Oh, you can't breathe. I'm so sorry.
836
01:05:38,800 --> 01:05:40,440
Thank you.
837
01:05:41,800 --> 01:05:43,840
They must have drugged us
and dumped us here.
838
01:05:43,960 --> 01:05:45,520
Who? Who did this?
839
01:05:45,680 --> 01:05:49,160
The Vietnamese mafia. Think about it.
We're still in the launderette.
840
01:05:49,320 --> 01:05:52,680
It's some sort of safe house.
They caught me snooping and thought,
841
01:05:52,800 --> 01:05:55,680
- ..."Let's tie him up and dump him."
- Oh, my God.
842
01:05:55,840 --> 01:05:58,840
No, no, no. It doesn't add up.
It doesn't add up at all.
843
01:05:59,040 --> 01:06:02,720
They might have suspected me,
but you were no threat whatsoever.
844
01:06:02,880 --> 01:06:04,800
What are you saying?
845
01:06:04,960 --> 01:06:09,280
It must've been premeditated.
We've been abducted by a psychopath
846
01:06:09,440 --> 01:06:14,600
whose intention is to terrorise,
torture and terminate our existence.
847
01:06:14,720 --> 01:06:16,280
- No.
- What do you mean, no?
848
01:06:16,400 --> 01:06:21,080
No, I refuse to believe that.
What about mistaken identity, huh?
849
01:06:21,240 --> 01:06:24,000
This could all be a practical joke.
850
01:06:24,200 --> 01:06:26,120
A joke? Are you out of your mind?
851
01:06:26,280 --> 01:06:29,160
No, you're paranoid.
You're jumping to conclusions.
852
01:06:29,320 --> 01:06:32,520
There is a time and place
for accusing a man of being paranoid.
853
01:06:32,680 --> 01:06:34,360
This is not fucking one of them!
854
01:06:34,560 --> 01:06:38,480
- Help! Help us, please!
- Help, please!
855
01:06:38,640 --> 01:06:42,680
'Help! Help us, please!
'Help! Help, please!
856
01:06:42,840 --> 01:06:44,880
- Please!
- Somebody, help us!
857
01:06:50,040 --> 01:06:51,680
Listen.
858
01:06:53,520 --> 01:06:55,680
Somebody's up there.
859
01:06:58,760 --> 01:07:00,600
What do we do?
860
01:07:13,240 --> 01:07:15,160
Mummy.
861
01:07:32,240 --> 01:07:33,800
Hello?
862
01:07:36,280 --> 01:07:39,880
- What's going on down here, then?
- Oh, mate.
863
01:07:40,080 --> 01:07:41,400
Are you all right?
864
01:07:41,600 --> 01:07:44,720
Mate, I have never been so happy
to see a...
865
01:07:44,880 --> 01:07:48,120
- Community support police officer.
- Community support police officer.
866
01:07:48,280 --> 01:07:50,200
Quickly untie us.
Come down, please.
867
01:07:50,400 --> 01:07:52,880
No. Shit. No. Don't. Go back up.
Get some help.
868
01:07:53,040 --> 01:07:54,400
- Get some backup.
- Right.
869
01:07:54,560 --> 01:07:56,120
We're trapped. We are trapped.
870
01:07:56,280 --> 01:07:57,840
- He can see that.
- Don't leave!
871
01:07:58,000 --> 01:07:59,920
If they come back,
they'll get him too.
872
01:08:00,120 --> 01:08:02,040
- He's police.
- He's not even armed.
873
01:08:02,240 --> 01:08:04,520
They haven't even
given him a fucking whistle.
874
01:08:04,680 --> 01:08:06,600
Listen, mate, go and get some help.
875
01:08:06,760 --> 01:08:08,600
Get some men with guns
and the dogs.
876
01:08:08,800 --> 01:08:13,120
And some dogs with guns and
a fucking helicopter. Just go. Go.
877
01:08:29,360 --> 01:08:34,520
On second thought,
I think I'll just stay here with you.
878
01:08:35,400 --> 01:08:37,080
Very cosy. Just the three of us.
879
01:08:37,240 --> 01:08:39,440
The criminal stare.
880
01:08:40,120 --> 01:08:41,760
What's he doing?
881
01:08:41,880 --> 01:08:46,480
I'm afraid this is one very sick
community support police officer.
882
01:08:47,840 --> 01:08:49,880
Very good.
883
01:08:51,280 --> 01:08:58,000
You know, you can't beat these
old machines for sheer craftsmanship.
884
01:08:58,120 --> 01:09:04,480
Front loading, motor power,
elegant design.
885
01:09:05,520 --> 01:09:08,480
Admittedly, they don't spin
as fast as modern machines do,
886
01:09:08,600 --> 01:09:10,400
but so what?
887
01:09:10,560 --> 01:09:12,600
As Mahatma Gandhi said,
"There's more to life
888
01:09:12,720 --> 01:09:14,760
"than simply increasing its speed."
889
01:09:14,920 --> 01:09:18,120
Looking at this washing machine,
you'd have to agree with him.
890
01:09:18,280 --> 01:09:20,800
I mean, it's a bloody work of art.
891
01:09:24,040 --> 01:09:27,600
I said, it's a work of art.
Don't you agree?
892
01:09:28,920 --> 01:09:30,720
Yes, it's very nice.
893
01:09:30,880 --> 01:09:34,840
Right, well, take comfort in that,
894
01:09:35,000 --> 01:09:38,600
because it's the last thing
you're gonna see before you die.
895
01:09:40,080 --> 01:09:45,720
If you both look closely, you'll
notice a pea green flashing light.
896
01:09:45,840 --> 01:09:48,440
Which means,
that while you were both sleeping
897
01:09:48,560 --> 01:09:50,600
this machine has
already passed smoothly
898
01:09:50,720 --> 01:09:53,480
through the stages
of pre-wash and main wash
899
01:09:53,640 --> 01:09:56,240
and is now completing
the last rinse.
900
01:09:59,200 --> 01:10:01,480
Ow.
901
01:10:01,640 --> 01:10:08,200
This will shortly be followed
by the magnificent final spin
902
01:10:08,320 --> 01:10:13,240
at which point, the cycle will end,
the light will turn red...
903
01:10:15,840 --> 01:10:19,560
and I shall have the pleasure
of sending you both to a better
904
01:10:19,720 --> 01:10:24,000
and, one would hope,
cleaner world than this.
905
01:10:24,120 --> 01:10:25,920
You fucking maniac.
906
01:10:26,040 --> 01:10:28,640
I was just gonna go home
and catch some telly.
907
01:10:28,760 --> 01:10:32,120
But when you mentioned you were
a writer, about serial killers,
908
01:10:32,280 --> 01:10:36,720
I thought,
"No. No, this is meant to be.
909
01:10:36,880 --> 01:10:38,240
"This is fate."
910
01:10:38,440 --> 01:10:40,720
- What do you call yourself?
- What's that?
911
01:10:40,880 --> 01:10:44,480
What do you call yourself?
The Spin King? Laundry Man?
912
01:10:44,680 --> 01:10:47,160
No, I'm the Hanoi Handshake.
That's me.
913
01:10:47,320 --> 01:10:50,080
After I kill you,
I'm going to chop your fingers off
914
01:10:50,200 --> 01:10:52,480
and pin it on the Vietnamese lot.
915
01:10:52,600 --> 01:10:56,080
WW? Why are you doing this?
916
01:10:56,240 --> 01:10:59,000
Oh, well, it's complicated.
917
01:10:59,160 --> 01:11:02,640
You see, this launderette
used to belong to my grandmother.
918
01:11:02,800 --> 01:11:06,120
That is, before the whole
neighbourhood went to Pot.
919
01:11:06,240 --> 01:11:08,160
Pol Pot.
920
01:11:08,320 --> 01:11:12,520
No, the boat people elbowed her out.
Broke her heart. Killed her.
921
01:11:12,720 --> 01:11:16,560
So I'm on a rampage,
a rampage of vengeance.
922
01:11:16,760 --> 01:11:18,200
Oh, I see.
923
01:11:18,360 --> 01:11:20,080
Anyway, that's not important now.
924
01:11:20,280 --> 01:11:21,760
What is important
925
01:11:21,920 --> 01:11:26,840
is that I've got the key,
and no one knows we're here.
926
01:11:26,960 --> 01:11:30,520
So then, if you don't mind,
I've just got to quickly go upstairs
927
01:11:30,640 --> 01:11:32,640
and sharpen my knife.
928
01:11:35,000 --> 01:11:36,920
Sit tight, kids.
929
01:11:40,840 --> 01:11:44,200
And remember,
when the light goes red,
930
01:11:44,360 --> 01:11:46,120
you're dead.
931
01:12:00,760 --> 01:12:04,280
Hm, the rinse is ending.
932
01:12:16,200 --> 01:12:18,240
Oh, that's it then, isn't it?
933
01:12:18,400 --> 01:12:22,000
Not only am I not gonna make
my meeting with Harvey Humphries,
934
01:12:22,160 --> 01:12:24,760
I'm gonna fucking die.
935
01:12:24,880 --> 01:12:27,640
Hey, stop it.
936
01:12:28,800 --> 01:12:30,840
You mustn't lose hope.
937
01:12:31,040 --> 01:12:33,960
There's no hope. We're dead.
938
01:12:34,160 --> 01:12:36,200
There is always hope.
939
01:12:36,360 --> 01:12:39,920
I was abandoned in a launderette
as a child.
940
01:12:40,960 --> 01:12:45,480
I couldn't speak for six weeks,
I was so afraid.
941
01:12:45,600 --> 01:12:47,880
I've come full circle.
942
01:12:48,000 --> 01:12:49,920
I'm alive,
943
01:12:50,080 --> 01:12:54,040
alive to experience my own death.
944
01:12:54,240 --> 01:12:55,920
It's destiny.
945
01:12:57,320 --> 01:12:59,240
No!
946
01:12:59,360 --> 01:13:05,480
No! No! No!
947
01:13:33,240 --> 01:13:38,400
Listen, your mother, she gave up
on herself, not on you.
948
01:13:38,600 --> 01:13:41,840
You don't make the same mistake.
949
01:13:41,960 --> 01:13:44,240
We can do it together.
950
01:13:45,160 --> 01:13:50,080
Come on, we have to try
and reason with him.
951
01:13:50,200 --> 01:13:52,360
There's always hope.
952
01:13:56,480 --> 01:13:58,760
I don't even know your name.
953
01:13:58,920 --> 01:14:02,160
Sangeet. My name is Sangeet.
954
01:14:02,520 --> 01:14:04,600
Sangeet.
955
01:14:04,760 --> 01:14:07,040
That's a very beautiful name.
956
01:14:08,040 --> 01:14:12,000
Sangeet, do you think
if all this blows over,
957
01:14:12,160 --> 01:14:16,320
you and I might perhaps
get some dinner or...?
958
01:14:17,400 --> 01:14:19,320
That's the spirit, John.
959
01:14:25,680 --> 01:14:27,160
He)'-
960
01:14:27,800 --> 01:14:29,720
Call me Jack.
961
01:14:49,040 --> 01:14:53,840
Those about to die, we salute you.
962
01:15:13,520 --> 01:15:16,880
What's wrong? Not your cup of tea?
963
01:15:19,680 --> 01:15:21,960
But how can you not like this?
964
01:15:22,120 --> 01:15:26,000
This is top-notch.
This is classic rock.
965
01:15:26,160 --> 01:15:28,720
Er, no.
966
01:15:28,880 --> 01:15:32,240
Technically, this is '80s hair metal.
967
01:15:32,360 --> 01:15:33,840
What?
968
01:15:36,920 --> 01:15:38,280
Right.
969
01:15:38,480 --> 01:15:41,720
I'll have you know that
that track was number one
970
01:15:41,880 --> 01:15:44,680
in 25 separate countries in 1986. 25.
971
01:15:45,800 --> 01:15:49,520
Now, I think that qualifies it as
an all-time rock classic. Don't you?
972
01:15:49,720 --> 01:15:52,600
Yeah. Well, we had
different childhoods, mate.
973
01:15:52,760 --> 01:15:56,000
While you were jumping around
in your bedroom to men in tights,
974
01:15:56,120 --> 01:15:57,920
I was keeping it fresh,
975
01:15:58,040 --> 01:16:00,320
rolling with the brothers,
you know what I'm saying, y'all?
976
01:16:00,480 --> 01:16:03,840
- Dusting off my AK, motherfucker.
- Well, you missed out.
977
01:16:06,000 --> 01:16:09,000
You don't know
what you're talking about anyway.
978
01:16:13,400 --> 01:16:17,880
I used to lie over there, on my bed
with my headphones on.
979
01:16:18,080 --> 01:16:20,840
And I'd just disappear
into my imagination.
980
01:16:21,040 --> 01:16:23,800
Gran always said
I had a very vivid imagination.
981
01:16:23,960 --> 01:16:25,880
Oh, I could be anyone.
982
01:16:26,040 --> 01:16:31,680
Sometimes I'd be this rock star,
half man, half elf,
983
01:16:31,800 --> 01:16:35,840
with this great mane of golden hair,
down to my waist
984
01:16:36,000 --> 01:16:37,960
and all the girls would be yelling,
985
01:16:38,160 --> 01:16:43,200
"Oh, Tony. Let me touch it, Tony.
Let me touch it. Let me touch it."
986
01:16:43,360 --> 01:16:45,640
This was your bedroom?
987
01:16:45,800 --> 01:16:48,200
- Eh?
- You had a bed down here?
988
01:16:48,400 --> 01:16:50,720
Oh, mate.
989
01:16:50,920 --> 01:16:54,040
Me and this launderette go way back.
990
01:16:57,480 --> 01:17:00,520
You see, my mum died
when I was quite young
991
01:17:00,720 --> 01:17:04,800
and I didn't have any other family,
so I was sent to live with my gran.
992
01:17:05,200 --> 01:17:06,880
At the launderette.
993
01:17:07,080 --> 01:17:09,840
She took me in, bless her heart,
and looked after me,
994
01:17:10,040 --> 01:17:12,480
but she decided
there wasn't enough room
995
01:17:12,680 --> 01:17:14,760
for two people upstairs in the flat.
996
01:17:14,920 --> 01:17:16,600
So she made me a room down here.
997
01:17:16,760 --> 01:17:18,680
Down in the cellar.
998
01:17:20,120 --> 01:17:22,880
It was, well...
999
01:17:23,080 --> 01:17:25,280
It took a bit of getting used to.
1000
01:17:25,480 --> 01:17:28,600
But she only locked the hatch
very late at night.
1001
01:17:29,920 --> 01:17:35,240
And I was allowed out,
to see the people coming and going.
1002
01:17:35,400 --> 01:17:36,960
To watch them wash.
1003
01:17:39,200 --> 01:17:40,880
You.
1004
01:17:41,040 --> 01:17:43,920
Oh, Tony, you poor thing.
1005
01:17:45,280 --> 01:17:46,960
What do you mean? Poor thing?
1006
01:17:47,120 --> 01:17:49,280
You were abandoned, Tone.
1007
01:17:49,400 --> 01:17:53,600
Mate, I had this whole
massive bedroom to myself.
1008
01:17:53,760 --> 01:17:55,960
This is a cellar, Tone. A cellar.
1009
01:17:56,120 --> 01:17:57,920
- But...
- Look, it's Dickensian.
1010
01:17:58,040 --> 01:18:01,040
- How big was your fucking bedroom?
- That's not the point.
1011
01:18:01,160 --> 01:18:04,280
Jesus. What kind of woman
keeps a child in a cellar?
1012
01:18:04,440 --> 01:18:08,520
Hey, don't you say a word
about my gran.
1013
01:18:08,680 --> 01:18:10,720
My gran was a very special person.
1014
01:18:10,880 --> 01:18:12,200
That's the kid talking.
1015
01:18:12,360 --> 01:18:17,240
Any mother, even a twisted hag bitch
of a mother is better than no mother.
1016
01:18:17,400 --> 01:18:21,000
Come on, Tone. You were dumped.
Alone. In a cellar.
1017
01:18:21,160 --> 01:18:24,280
Yeah, all right, thank you very much,
Sigmund Freud.
1018
01:18:24,440 --> 01:18:26,360
You're the one tied up in a basement.
1019
01:18:26,560 --> 01:18:30,320
I'm the one feeding the press.
Baffling the police.
1020
01:18:30,520 --> 01:18:33,160
I'm conducting the whole thing
like an orchestra.
1021
01:18:33,360 --> 01:18:36,400
I'm like the André Previn
of serial killers.
1022
01:18:36,600 --> 01:18:39,480
Mate, I have studied serial killers
and you are not it.
1023
01:18:39,600 --> 01:18:44,080
- A serial killer is an artist.
- Hey, I'm all about elegant design.
1024
01:18:44,280 --> 01:18:47,280
Tell them, Gran.
I am an artist, aren't I?
1025
01:18:47,480 --> 01:18:50,600
I'm like a sculptor,
sculpting in crime.
1026
01:18:50,800 --> 01:18:53,960
Don't tell me you've got your bloody
grandmother down here too.
1027
01:18:54,160 --> 01:18:57,080
Well, of course I have.
I'm a serial killer, aren't I?
1028
01:18:57,280 --> 01:19:00,160
It's been done, mate!
Come up with something original.
1029
01:19:00,320 --> 01:19:01,760
I did the Hanoi Handshake!
1030
01:19:01,960 --> 01:19:05,080
Sounds like two Vietnamese gentlemen
in a public convenience!
1031
01:19:05,280 --> 01:19:06,840
He's right. It does, actually.
1032
01:19:07,000 --> 01:19:09,560
"Can I give you a handshake?
I give you handshake."
1033
01:19:09,760 --> 01:19:13,920
Please! Have some bloody respect,
will you?
1034
01:19:20,040 --> 01:19:22,200
That's it.
1035
01:19:22,320 --> 01:19:25,600
- Spin's started.
- No!
1036
01:19:25,760 --> 01:19:27,440
- No!
- Don't!
1037
01:19:27,600 --> 01:19:30,600
Shut it! Shut up! Shut up!
1038
01:19:30,800 --> 01:19:33,680
- No!
- Try making fun of this, dead man.
1039
01:19:34,680 --> 01:19:39,120
Say hello to my bowie knife.
I call him Dave.
1040
01:19:39,280 --> 01:19:42,480
David the Bowie Knife? Sounds like
a character from my stories.
1041
01:19:42,640 --> 01:19:45,280
Dave doesn't like you.
1042
01:19:45,440 --> 01:19:47,960
He's telling me to do it.
1043
01:19:48,080 --> 01:19:50,120
I'm gonna do it.
1044
01:19:51,040 --> 01:19:52,360
Ton)'-
1045
01:19:54,920 --> 01:19:57,480
You can't reason
with a serial killer.
1046
01:20:02,000 --> 01:20:04,640
- Oh, Jack.
- Just go, go, go. Please go, go, go.
1047
01:20:04,800 --> 01:20:09,480
Go on, go. Go get help.
Hop. Hop! Hop.
1048
01:20:11,560 --> 01:20:14,080
Hop. Hop. Hop.
1049
01:20:15,000 --> 01:20:18,760
Run!
1050
01:20:26,920 --> 01:20:31,400
Sorry. I am sorry.
1051
01:20:41,800 --> 01:20:45,320
- No, Tony.
- No, I can't let you go.
1052
01:20:45,520 --> 01:20:49,000
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
This is how it has to end.
1053
01:20:49,200 --> 01:20:52,920
- Tony, please, leave her alone.
- Sorry, mate, she saw me with you.
1054
01:20:53,120 --> 01:20:55,160
- No turning back now.
- Jack. Jack.
1055
01:20:55,360 --> 01:20:57,400
- Do something. Please.
- What? What?
1056
01:20:57,600 --> 01:21:01,320
You're a writer, aren't you?
Tell him a fucking story.
1057
01:21:01,440 --> 01:21:03,600
- A story?
- Right, this is it.
1058
01:21:03,760 --> 01:21:06,400
No, wait. No, she's right.
Let me tell you a story.
1059
01:21:06,600 --> 01:21:08,160
- A story?
- Yes, please.
1060
01:21:08,320 --> 01:21:09,880
It's a dead man's last wish.
1061
01:21:10,080 --> 01:21:12,880
It's a story to end the cycle.
1062
01:21:13,040 --> 01:21:15,200
- How long's it going to take?
- Not long.
1063
01:21:15,360 --> 01:21:17,880
- Because I haven't got long.
- Neither have I.
1064
01:21:21,240 --> 01:21:23,520
Oh, all right, dead man.
1065
01:21:23,720 --> 01:21:26,960
But make it good because it's
the last thing you're gonna write.
1066
01:21:27,080 --> 01:21:29,360
- Yeah, yeah.
- No pressure, though.
1067
01:21:30,240 --> 01:21:34,200
Okay. I have to start
right at the beginning.
1068
01:21:34,360 --> 01:21:36,520
Once upon a time,
1069
01:21:36,640 --> 01:21:39,520
there was a hedgehog
whose name...
1070
01:21:39,680 --> 01:21:41,520
A hedgehog?
1071
01:21:42,520 --> 01:21:44,440
Yes. Yes. Whose name...
1072
01:21:44,600 --> 01:21:47,640
You're about to die and you want
to tell a story about a hedgehog?
1073
01:21:47,800 --> 01:21:50,600
Mate, please, just bear with me.
1074
01:21:51,680 --> 01:21:53,240
Okay, you sitting comfortably?
1075
01:21:57,560 --> 01:21:59,720
Once upon a time...
1076
01:22:00,720 --> 01:22:02,920
not so long ago...
1077
01:22:03,920 --> 01:22:05,960
there was a hedgehog...
1078
01:22:07,000 --> 01:22:08,960
whose name...
1079
01:22:11,040 --> 01:22:13,320
was Brian.
1080
01:22:20,200 --> 01:22:23,240
Brian lived in a cave
deep in the forest,
1081
01:22:23,400 --> 01:22:27,760
a dark and terrible place
called the Wyrd Wild Wood.
1082
01:22:29,080 --> 01:22:34,480
After dark, the forest would echo
with howls and screams.
1083
01:22:34,640 --> 01:22:37,520
And sometimes it seemed to Brian
as if even the moon
1084
01:22:37,720 --> 01:22:40,120
conspired against him.
1085
01:22:41,040 --> 01:22:45,360
But the more afraid Brian became,
the angrier he got,
1086
01:22:45,520 --> 01:22:49,280
until one night,
frightened out of his wits...
1087
01:22:50,200 --> 01:22:54,480
he turned himself
into a terrifying monster.
1088
01:22:55,640 --> 01:22:58,280
He put on weight, painted his face
1089
01:22:58,400 --> 01:23:03,320
and started insisting on being
addressed as Balthazar the Berserker.
1090
01:23:03,440 --> 01:23:05,960
But then a strange thing happened.
1091
01:23:06,080 --> 01:23:08,720
Brian received an unexpected visitor.
1092
01:23:09,640 --> 01:23:12,160
"Come any closer
and I'll scratch your eyes out."
1093
01:23:12,320 --> 01:23:15,680
He snarled angrily
at the flickering eyes in the trees.
1094
01:23:15,880 --> 01:23:18,040
"Brian?" Whispered a voice.
1095
01:23:18,200 --> 01:23:19,880
"Is that really you?"
1096
01:23:20,040 --> 01:23:22,600
"Who the fuck are you calling Brian?"
said Brian,
1097
01:23:22,760 --> 01:23:26,760
as menacingly as he could manage.
"Why, Brian, it is you."
1098
01:23:26,920 --> 01:23:30,680
It was Harold, his brother,
last seen by the road,
1099
01:23:30,880 --> 01:23:33,920
walking with mother a long time ago.
1100
01:23:34,080 --> 01:23:37,320
He said, "I'm so happy
I found you, Brian, old chap.
1101
01:23:37,480 --> 01:23:40,960
"I've been terribly lonely
and fancied a chat."
1102
01:23:41,120 --> 01:23:44,040
But Brian had crossed that road
and never looked back.
1103
01:23:44,240 --> 01:23:47,000
He'd erased the memory
and his soul was now black.
1104
01:23:47,160 --> 01:23:49,200
"Harold, mate. I hate to be blunt.
1105
01:23:49,400 --> 01:23:51,480
But look in the mirror,
you prickly idiot.
1106
01:23:51,680 --> 01:23:54,360
You're a worthless, pathetic,
sniveling fool.
1107
01:23:54,560 --> 01:23:57,920
"I'd rather spend time
with the worms in my stool."
1108
01:23:58,080 --> 01:24:01,680
With that he chased him into the
trees and over the dells, screaming,
1109
01:24:01,840 --> 01:24:04,240
"I'll eat you for supper
or meet you in hell."
1110
01:24:27,720 --> 01:24:31,080
But fate intervened
and Brian got lost.
1111
01:24:31,240 --> 01:24:35,200
And to make matters worse,
there was a treacherous fog.
1112
01:24:35,360 --> 01:24:38,520
"Hello, " he cried.
"Is anyone there?"
1113
01:24:38,720 --> 01:24:42,800
But no one replied,
and Brian got scared.
1114
01:24:42,960 --> 01:24:45,720
And that's when he saw
he wasn't alone.
1115
01:24:45,880 --> 01:24:51,280
A small, crumpled body
was lying in the road.
1116
01:24:59,480 --> 01:25:01,880
"Why didn't you leave me?"
said Brian.
1117
01:25:02,040 --> 01:25:03,760
"And just let me die?"
1118
01:25:03,960 --> 01:25:07,200
"You're my brother," said Harold.
"How on earth could I?"
1119
01:25:07,360 --> 01:25:09,880
And that's when they heard
the pitiful cries
1120
01:25:10,000 --> 01:25:14,120
of a very small hedgehog
whose mother just died.
1121
01:25:14,280 --> 01:25:17,080
And suddenly
Brian just started to blub.
1122
01:25:17,280 --> 01:25:20,280
He picked up the babe
and gave it a hug.
1123
01:25:20,440 --> 01:25:22,840
"This little thing, you know,
reminds me of us.
1124
01:25:23,400 --> 01:25:26,600
"Left all alone
when Mum caught that bus."
1125
01:25:27,080 --> 01:25:29,280
"The spell has been broken,"
said Harold.
1126
01:25:29,480 --> 01:25:33,080
"It's time to break free.
You're not really a monster.
1127
01:25:33,280 --> 01:25:36,760
"You're a hedgehog, like me."
1128
01:26:01,120 --> 01:26:04,240
I tell you what,
that is a beautiful story.
1129
01:26:07,280 --> 01:26:09,800
- I suppose they...
- Adopted the baby hedgehog. Yes.
1130
01:26:09,960 --> 01:26:11,640
Oh, mate.
1131
01:26:11,800 --> 01:26:15,320
It's symbolic. You see,
they discovered their true selves.
1132
01:26:15,520 --> 01:26:17,560
They start again where they left off
1133
01:26:17,720 --> 01:26:20,960
before the trauma
of losing their mum.
1134
01:26:21,080 --> 01:26:24,960
I tell you, that was my life,
right there in that cave.
1135
01:26:25,800 --> 01:26:27,840
I'm not a monster, am I?
1136
01:26:28,000 --> 01:26:32,320
No. You just need some help.
1137
01:26:32,480 --> 01:26:37,440
I'll let you into a secret.
I'm not even a proper serial killer.
1138
01:26:37,640 --> 01:26:41,960
That Vietnamese bloke, the one
in the marshes, I didn't kill him.
1139
01:26:42,120 --> 01:26:44,880
- What?
- No, he must've tripped and fell.
1140
01:26:45,040 --> 01:26:47,080
He was dead when I found him.
1141
01:26:47,240 --> 01:26:49,760
Yeah, but the fingers,
the Hanoi Handshake?
1142
01:26:49,880 --> 01:26:52,040
Oh, yeah, yeah. I did do that.
1143
01:26:52,160 --> 01:26:55,320
Well, otherwise,
he was just a bloke in a ditch.
1144
01:26:56,760 --> 01:27:00,280
Oh, her? It's just a mannequin.
1145
01:27:00,480 --> 01:27:02,400
I found her in a bin
outside Topshop.
1146
01:27:02,600 --> 01:27:05,240
So you're not a killer, then.
1147
01:27:06,880 --> 01:27:08,720
You're like me.
1148
01:27:10,120 --> 01:27:12,440
We were both abandoned.
1149
01:27:12,600 --> 01:27:14,400
We're the same.
1150
01:27:15,440 --> 01:27:17,960
We're like...
1151
01:27:18,080 --> 01:27:20,960
Yes. Brothers.
1152
01:27:27,840 --> 01:27:31,680
Er, it's... It's not mine.
I just... I picked it up.
1153
01:27:45,280 --> 01:27:47,360
Brother?
1154
01:27:47,520 --> 01:27:48,960
- Help.
- Help.
1155
01:28:04,840 --> 01:28:07,120
"So Harold
and his long-lost brother Brian
1156
01:28:07,280 --> 01:28:12,200
"lived happily afterwards in the old
hedgerow beside the churchyard."
1157
01:28:14,760 --> 01:28:19,440
And remember, no matter how dark
and scary those woods may seem,
1158
01:28:19,560 --> 01:28:23,280
there's a way across the road for
a hedgehog brave enough to cross it.
1159
01:28:23,440 --> 01:28:25,600
Thank you.
1160
01:28:34,080 --> 01:28:36,720
- Hey.
- Hey, hi.
1161
01:28:37,040 --> 01:28:39,200
- You look fantastic.
- Thank you.
1162
01:28:39,360 --> 01:28:41,560
That was a wonderful story.
1163
01:28:41,760 --> 01:28:46,480
Congratulations. Perfect synthesis
of Jungian and Freudian thought.
1164
01:28:46,640 --> 01:28:48,720
Harold's lost self is recovered,
1165
01:28:48,880 --> 01:28:51,880
whilst acknowledging the important
role that the false self
1166
01:28:52,000 --> 01:28:54,280
played in surviving
the terror of abandonment.
1167
01:28:54,440 --> 01:28:56,880
Well, it's all credit to you,
Professor Friedkin.
1168
01:28:57,040 --> 01:29:01,480
Next book, Harold must address
his destructive Oedipal complex
1169
01:29:01,600 --> 01:29:06,160
and help Brian with his tendency
towards malignant anal hoarding.
1170
01:29:07,600 --> 01:29:13,360
Darling, I've brought someone
I think you should finally meet.
1171
01:29:15,400 --> 01:29:18,440
Harvey Humphries.
1172
01:29:19,800 --> 01:29:24,640
You. You never came
to see me, did you?
1173
01:29:24,800 --> 01:29:30,440
Oh, you
are a very, very naughty boy.
1174
01:29:30,560 --> 01:29:33,720
Harvey's still very interested
in "Decades of Death", Jack.
1175
01:29:34,320 --> 01:29:38,920
Maybe you two can get together
and discuss it later?
1176
01:29:41,920 --> 01:29:45,440
Can you see the spider?
1177
01:29:47,720 --> 01:29:51,680
And the farmer in his field?
1178
01:29:51,840 --> 01:29:55,600
Can you see the lovely ladybird?
1179
01:29:55,760 --> 01:29:59,000
And what about
the little frightened hedgehog?
1180
01:29:59,200 --> 01:30:00,560
Jack?
1181
01:30:01,480 --> 01:30:02,840
Jack.
1182
01:30:03,440 --> 01:30:05,040
Are you all right?
1183
01:30:05,200 --> 01:30:07,120
Er, yes, sorry.
1184
01:30:07,280 --> 01:30:10,040
Hey, what about that dinner
you promised me?
1185
01:30:15,680 --> 01:30:19,280
Erm, I'll get back to you, okay,
on the whole thing.
1186
01:30:19,400 --> 01:30:21,560
- I'll think about it. I will.
- Call me.
1187
01:30:21,680 --> 01:30:23,280
Absolutely.
1188
01:30:23,440 --> 01:30:25,160
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
1189
01:30:25,360 --> 01:30:28,000
- Congratulations.
- Thank you, thank you.
1190
01:30:28,280 --> 01:30:29,880
Thank you.
1191
01:30:33,440 --> 01:30:37,400
Once upon a time,
there was a hedgehog called Harold,
1192
01:30:37,560 --> 01:30:41,040
who one day set out on a journey.
1193
01:30:41,960 --> 01:30:44,120
When he reached the far side
of the wood,
1194
01:30:44,240 --> 01:30:49,320
he came to a large flowing river,
dancing with speckled light.
1195
01:30:49,480 --> 01:30:53,800
Without a moment's hesitation,
Harold threw himself into the water.
1196
01:30:55,000 --> 01:30:58,040
The current carried him far away
1197
01:30:58,200 --> 01:31:02,160
and he was never seen again.
1198
01:31:12,640 --> 01:31:15,760
Morning. Morning, you two.
Morning, madam.
1199
01:31:18,280 --> 01:31:19,840
Bye, then.
1200
01:31:45,400 --> 01:31:47,960
What a fucking...
1201
01:31:48,680 --> 01:31:50,840
- Twat.
- Cock.
1202
01:31:50,960 --> 01:31:53,240
Fucking dickhead. Wanker.
1203
01:31:53,520 --> 01:31:56,440