1 00:00:25,484 --> 00:00:27,319 I wouldn't want to live his life... 2 00:00:27,402 --> 00:00:29,196 'cause he hasn't been happy all of his life. 3 00:00:29,279 --> 00:00:32,366 All I think is, if you can find work, stay healthy... 4 00:00:32,449 --> 00:00:35,077 find somebody to share it with, you're the ultimate success. 5 00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:36,995 He's had some of the pieces of the puzzle... 6 00:00:37,079 --> 00:00:38,455 but not all of them. 7 00:00:39,957 --> 00:00:42,376 BURGER: "I, Ronald Reagan, do solemnly swear..." 8 00:00:42,459 --> 00:00:45,045 REAGAN: I, Ronald Reagan, do solemnly swear... 9 00:00:45,128 --> 00:00:47,130 BURGER: "That I will faithfully execute the office... 10 00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:49,550 "of President of the United States." 11 00:00:49,633 --> 00:00:51,677 That I will faithfully execute the office... 12 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:53,720 [ Tone blares ] 13 00:00:55,514 --> 00:00:57,516 [ Cartoon music playing ] 14 00:00:59,977 --> 00:01:04,398 BARRIS: When you're young, your potential is infinite. 15 00:01:04,481 --> 00:01:07,401 You might do anything, really. 16 00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:09,903 You might be Einstein... 17 00:01:09,987 --> 00:01:13,615 you might be DiMaggio. 18 00:01:13,699 --> 00:01:16,660 Then you get to an age when what you might be... 19 00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:19,580 gives way to what you have been. 20 00:01:19,663 --> 00:01:21,498 You weren't Einstein. 21 00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:24,376 You weren't anything. 22 00:01:24,459 --> 00:01:26,753 That's a bad moment. 23 00:01:39,141 --> 00:01:40,809 [ Knock on door ] 24 00:01:46,064 --> 00:01:48,692 Chuck, it's Pen. 25 00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:50,402 [ Peephole opens ] 26 00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:54,281 CHUCK: Hey! Jesus. How'd you find me? 27 00:01:54,364 --> 00:01:57,117 You wrote me your last letter on hotel stationery. 28 00:01:57,201 --> 00:02:01,663 CHUCK: Oh. It's great to see you, Pen. 29 00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:04,458 You look... you look beautiful. 30 00:02:04,541 --> 00:02:06,335 PENNY: This place is scary. 31 00:02:06,418 --> 00:02:11,215 CHUCK: Yeah. The human psyche. 32 00:02:11,298 --> 00:02:14,134 PENNY: I came to take you back to California with me. 33 00:02:14,218 --> 00:02:15,636 CHUCK: Uh, no... 34 00:02:15,719 --> 00:02:18,597 PENNY: It's a lonely state without you. 35 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:20,641 CHUCK: I'm home, Red. 36 00:02:28,357 --> 00:02:32,819 I can't wait forever for you to marry me. 37 00:02:32,903 --> 00:02:38,534 Well, apparently, I can, but I really don't want to. 38 00:02:41,245 --> 00:02:42,746 CHUCK: Uh... 39 00:02:46,124 --> 00:02:48,669 PENNY, CRYING: I love you so much. 40 00:02:53,423 --> 00:02:57,177 PENNY: You don't understand. 41 00:02:57,261 --> 00:02:59,137 I don't even know why. 42 00:02:59,221 --> 00:03:01,515 CHUCK: Oh, Penny... 43 00:03:01,598 --> 00:03:04,768 Penny, Penny, Penny. [ Laughs ] 44 00:03:07,980 --> 00:03:09,982 [ Sighs ] 45 00:03:12,234 --> 00:03:14,987 [ Slow piano music playing ] 46 00:03:15,070 --> 00:03:18,031 [ Chuck closes peephole ] 47 00:03:22,786 --> 00:03:27,166 CHUCK: Listen, I gotta go, OK? I'm kind of busy right now. OK? 48 00:03:28,292 --> 00:03:30,419 BARRIS: It was 1981... 49 00:03:30,502 --> 00:03:34,715 and I had holed myself up in this New York hotel... 50 00:03:34,798 --> 00:03:36,550 the Phoenix Hotel... 51 00:03:36,633 --> 00:03:40,429 terrified of everything, ashamed of my life. 52 00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:47,436 Until, finally, I realized my salvation... 53 00:03:47,519 --> 00:03:50,689 might be in recording my wasted life unflinchingly. 54 00:03:50,772 --> 00:03:52,024 [ Typing ] 55 00:03:52,107 --> 00:03:56,111 Maybe it would serve as a cautionary tale... 56 00:03:56,195 --> 00:03:59,823 and maybe it would help me understand why. 57 00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:02,868 When I was 11, I had an experience... 58 00:04:02,951 --> 00:04:05,746 with my sister's friend Tuvia... 59 00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:07,456 that left an indelible impression. 60 00:04:07,539 --> 00:04:09,041 - Hey. - What? 61 00:04:09,124 --> 00:04:11,084 - Tuvia. - What?! 62 00:04:11,168 --> 00:04:13,045 You want to lick it? 63 00:04:13,128 --> 00:04:16,089 [ Scoffs ] No. Why should I? 64 00:04:16,173 --> 00:04:18,509 Well, for one thing, it tastes like strawberry. 65 00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:20,761 My sister tells me you love strawberries. 66 00:04:20,844 --> 00:04:23,430 Yeah, well, I hate strawberries. 67 00:04:23,514 --> 00:04:24,681 CHUCK: No, I'm serious. 68 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,892 It tastes exactly like a strawberry lollipop. 69 00:04:26,975 --> 00:04:28,352 TUVIA: Look, I know that's not true. 70 00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:31,438 - Well, I bet you it does. - I bet you it doesn't. 71 00:04:31,522 --> 00:04:33,649 CHUCK: I'll bet you a dollar. 72 00:04:36,068 --> 00:04:39,279 BARRIS: Tuvia... my first love. 73 00:04:39,363 --> 00:04:40,656 [ Typing ] 74 00:04:40,739 --> 00:04:43,450 Perhaps my whole life turned at that point. 75 00:04:43,534 --> 00:04:46,119 The repulsiveness of my sex confirmed... 76 00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:50,332 by the taste buds of a ripening pubescent girl. 77 00:04:50,415 --> 00:04:52,125 What are you doing? 78 00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:53,293 Get off me! 79 00:04:53,377 --> 00:04:54,795 And so I found myself... 80 00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:57,631 in a downward spiral of debauchery... 81 00:04:57,714 --> 00:04:59,508 endlessly chasing pussy. 82 00:04:59,591 --> 00:05:01,218 [ Doo wop music playing ] 83 00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:03,679 [ Loud kissing ] 84 00:05:03,762 --> 00:05:06,890 My only focus in life to get laid, to get blown... 85 00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:08,642 trying to fool myself into believing... 86 00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:10,102 that given the right combination... 87 00:05:10,185 --> 00:05:11,520 of circumstances and deception... 88 00:05:11,603 --> 00:05:13,605 maybe the Tuvias of the world... 89 00:05:13,689 --> 00:05:16,316 could desire me the way I desired them. 90 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:17,651 [ Thwack ] 91 00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:20,404 I only wanted to be loved. 92 00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:22,990 [ Moans softly ] 93 00:05:26,535 --> 00:05:27,661 CHUCK: No... 94 00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:28,871 [ Sobbing ] 95 00:05:28,954 --> 00:05:32,040 # Won't you tell me why # 96 00:05:32,124 --> 00:05:34,001 # I love # 97 00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:35,294 [ Zips pants ] 98 00:05:35,377 --> 00:05:37,212 # That girly so # 99 00:05:37,296 --> 00:05:38,547 [ Kissing ] 100 00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:42,551 # She doesn't want me # 101 00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:45,012 BARRIS: The constant inarticulate rage... 102 00:05:45,095 --> 00:05:48,891 led to bar fight after bar fight. 103 00:05:51,602 --> 00:05:53,604 [ Faint laughter ] 104 00:05:57,065 --> 00:05:58,775 TV ANNOUNCER: New York is a city of people... 105 00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:00,611 the only state in the union to stretch... 106 00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:03,030 from the Atlantic Ocean to the Great Lakes. 107 00:06:03,113 --> 00:06:05,574 Directly across the avenue is... you're right again. 108 00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:07,075 BARRIS: I had heard that television... 109 00:06:07,159 --> 00:06:08,911 was an industry with a future... 110 00:06:08,994 --> 00:06:12,206 so I packed up and moved from Philly to Manhattan. 111 00:06:12,289 --> 00:06:14,041 [ NBC theme plays ] 112 00:06:14,124 --> 00:06:17,586 TOUR GUIDE: We began making commercial broadcasts in 1941. 113 00:06:17,669 --> 00:06:19,213 and in 1953... 114 00:06:19,296 --> 00:06:22,508 NBC made the first ever color telecast by a network... 115 00:06:22,591 --> 00:06:24,343 during "The Colgate Comedy Hour." 116 00:06:24,426 --> 00:06:26,178 Now we'll have a look at the studio... 117 00:06:26,261 --> 00:06:28,096 where they produce "The Today Show"... 118 00:06:28,180 --> 00:06:31,975 which NBC began broadcasting in 1952. 119 00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:33,393 CHUCK: Excuse me, miss. 120 00:06:33,477 --> 00:06:35,604 Do you know where I could apply for an NBC page? 121 00:06:35,687 --> 00:06:37,606 TOUR GUIDE: Such as "The Perry Como Show"... 122 00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:40,817 which you can tune into on Saturdays at 7:30. 123 00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:42,402 "The Nat King Cole Show"... 124 00:06:42,486 --> 00:06:45,364 which you won't want to miss, on Tuesdays at 8 P.M. 125 00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:47,407 And hold on one second. 126 00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:51,870 OK. And my personal favorite... 127 00:06:51,954 --> 00:06:54,581 "The Lux Show" starring Rosemary Clooney... 128 00:06:54,665 --> 00:06:56,750 CHUCK: ...which you can enjoy every Thursday at 10:00. 129 00:06:56,834 --> 00:06:58,418 And of course, "The Steve Allen Show"... 130 00:06:58,502 --> 00:07:00,295 which delights us every Sunday at 8:00. 131 00:07:00,379 --> 00:07:02,297 You may also be interested to know that Steve Allen... 132 00:07:02,381 --> 00:07:05,342 actually got his start in entertainment as an NBC page. 133 00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,094 Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll follow me... 134 00:07:07,177 --> 00:07:08,887 MARY-ANN: Raymond, in accounting? 135 00:07:08,971 --> 00:07:10,556 He's kind of cute, huh? 136 00:07:10,639 --> 00:07:13,225 WOMAN: Cute is all well and good, Mary-Ann... 137 00:07:13,308 --> 00:07:16,812 but what you want is a man who's going places... 138 00:07:16,895 --> 00:07:20,440 A go-getter on the management fast track. 139 00:07:20,524 --> 00:07:22,025 MARY-ANN: What about Mr. Waters? 140 00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:25,571 CHUCK: Yeah, management training application, please. 141 00:07:25,654 --> 00:07:27,698 How many people have applied for this so far? 142 00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:30,951 WOMAN: Let's see. Including you? About 2,000. 143 00:07:31,034 --> 00:07:33,495 - For how many positions? - Five. 144 00:07:35,664 --> 00:07:37,124 [ Bell dings ] 145 00:07:38,709 --> 00:07:40,210 Thanks, ma'am. 146 00:07:46,383 --> 00:07:48,343 BARRIS: Sometimes, as a younger man... 147 00:07:48,427 --> 00:07:50,596 I stretched the truth to get what I wanted. 148 00:07:50,679 --> 00:07:51,805 GEORGIA: Tell me again! 149 00:07:51,889 --> 00:07:53,390 CHUCK: Head of network sales at 30. 150 00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,767 Head of the entire network by 40! 151 00:07:55,851 --> 00:07:58,478 I love you, Mr. Chuck Barris... 152 00:07:58,562 --> 00:08:01,273 management trainee. 153 00:08:01,356 --> 00:08:03,025 [ Both moaning ] 154 00:08:05,027 --> 00:08:06,445 BARRIS: Life was sweet... 155 00:08:06,528 --> 00:08:07,738 CHUCK: Uhh! 156 00:08:11,074 --> 00:08:12,659 For a minute. 157 00:08:12,743 --> 00:08:14,953 WOMAN ON TV: Everything's either madly exciting... 158 00:08:15,037 --> 00:08:18,081 or madly interesting. 159 00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:21,543 I hope Sally never bothers herself with you. 160 00:08:23,879 --> 00:08:26,215 [ Turns on faucet ] 161 00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:32,179 I got fired today. 162 00:08:32,262 --> 00:08:34,389 Fired? 163 00:08:34,473 --> 00:08:37,017 Yeah, fired. 164 00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:39,770 GEORGIA: Fired? 165 00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:43,190 What the fuck did you get fired for? 166 00:08:43,273 --> 00:08:45,192 CHUCK: I don't know. Efficiency cutbacks. 167 00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:47,903 Some bullshit. Look, it's gonna be fine. 168 00:08:51,406 --> 00:08:54,284 I'm pregnant. 169 00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:02,709 So, I figured, I'm gonna skip town. 170 00:09:02,793 --> 00:09:04,878 I intend to be important, you know? 171 00:09:04,962 --> 00:09:08,549 I can't be saddled with this. Pbbt! 172 00:09:08,632 --> 00:09:12,636 But then I remembered something Carlyle said. 173 00:09:12,719 --> 00:09:17,808 "Do the duty which lies nearest thee." 174 00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:19,226 So you see... 175 00:09:19,309 --> 00:09:21,478 MAN: Who's Carlyle? 176 00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:27,526 Dear God. Why do I even bother? 177 00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:30,237 Fuck you, you condescending prick. 178 00:09:32,406 --> 00:09:34,616 Pregnant? 179 00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:36,743 Yeah, pregnant. 180 00:09:36,827 --> 00:09:38,453 Fuck you. 181 00:09:38,537 --> 00:09:40,372 What the fuck did you get pregnant for? 182 00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:41,623 Fuck you. 183 00:09:41,707 --> 00:09:44,084 What do you mean, what the fuck did I get pregnant for? 184 00:09:44,168 --> 00:09:46,753 You got me fucking pregnant, you fuck! 185 00:09:46,837 --> 00:09:47,754 Well, fuck you! 186 00:09:47,838 --> 00:09:48,755 Fuck you. 187 00:09:48,839 --> 00:09:51,383 - Fuckin'... - Fuck you. 188 00:09:51,466 --> 00:09:52,593 Fuck! 189 00:09:52,676 --> 00:09:54,678 Fuck you. 190 00:09:57,556 --> 00:10:00,058 [ Dramatic music playing on television ] 191 00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:05,105 GEORGIA: Looks like I was just late. 192 00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:13,822 Oh, yes, we had a great time. 193 00:10:13,906 --> 00:10:17,284 The crew loved him and loved the show, you know? 194 00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:18,952 Because it was crazy. 195 00:10:19,036 --> 00:10:22,039 And we could do anything we wanted to, sort of, 196 00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:25,125 and, uh, yeah, they liked him very much. 197 00:10:25,209 --> 00:10:26,668 He was a good guy. 198 00:10:26,752 --> 00:10:30,130 Even though he's a prick, he's a good guy, too. 199 00:10:30,214 --> 00:10:32,382 DICK CLARK: "What is labeled a dream faculty. 200 00:10:32,466 --> 00:10:35,469 "Wouldn't school be wonderful if we had a faculty like this?" 201 00:10:35,552 --> 00:10:36,803 You read it, all right? 202 00:10:36,887 --> 00:10:39,973 GIRL: "Principal Sal Mineo. Vice Principal Tony Perkins..." 203 00:10:40,057 --> 00:10:41,725 CLARK: Couldn't you see going to a school... 204 00:10:41,808 --> 00:10:44,394 where Sal Mineo is the principal? 205 00:10:44,478 --> 00:10:47,314 BARRIS: In '61, I had become a minor suit at ABC. 206 00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:49,358 It was during the music payola scandal... 207 00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:51,818 so my job was to commute to Philly every day... 208 00:10:51,902 --> 00:10:54,321 to the "American Bandstand" tapings... 209 00:10:54,404 --> 00:10:56,073 to keep an eye on Dick Clark. 210 00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:57,991 CLARK: One more lady's choice of the afternoon to go... 211 00:10:58,075 --> 00:10:59,743 and suppose we make it this one. OK? 212 00:11:01,078 --> 00:11:02,246 BARRIS: On weekends... 213 00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:04,206 I used to hang around amusement parks... 214 00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:07,209 because that's where the young girls were. 215 00:11:07,292 --> 00:11:11,171 I wrote a song about my experiences. 216 00:11:11,255 --> 00:11:13,006 When you stop at the top of a Ferris wheel... 217 00:11:13,090 --> 00:11:15,634 I got it to Freddy "Boom Boom" Cannon... 218 00:11:15,717 --> 00:11:17,845 through my friendship with Dick Clark. 219 00:11:17,928 --> 00:11:20,430 Dick really wanted to help me out. 220 00:11:20,514 --> 00:11:21,682 CHUCK: Hi. 221 00:11:21,765 --> 00:11:24,268 - What? - Hi. 222 00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:25,477 Oh. 223 00:11:25,561 --> 00:11:27,646 I wrote this song. 224 00:11:27,729 --> 00:11:29,022 Huh. 225 00:11:29,106 --> 00:11:33,402 It's number three on the pop charts. See? 226 00:11:33,485 --> 00:11:36,071 - Uh-huh. - Yeah. 227 00:11:37,573 --> 00:11:40,367 I believe there's a great future in television. 228 00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:41,577 Uh-huh? 229 00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:45,205 So I'm gonna take my royalties and create a pilot. 230 00:11:45,289 --> 00:11:48,208 A pilot's what they call a test TV show. 231 00:11:48,292 --> 00:11:49,918 I work in TV. 232 00:11:50,002 --> 00:11:52,337 Yeah? What's your name? I'm Chuck. 233 00:11:52,421 --> 00:11:54,047 - Debbie. - Debbie. 234 00:11:54,131 --> 00:11:55,632 CHUCK: So, you live in Philly? 235 00:11:55,716 --> 00:11:57,217 DEBBIE: No, I live in Manhattan. 236 00:11:57,301 --> 00:11:58,594 CHUCK: It's gonna be a game show. 237 00:11:58,677 --> 00:12:00,679 I believe there's a great future in game shows. 238 00:12:00,762 --> 00:12:02,014 DEBBIE: Oh, that's good. 239 00:12:02,097 --> 00:12:05,767 CHUCK: Yeah. Everyone loves game shows, right? 240 00:12:05,851 --> 00:12:07,186 DEBBIE: I don't know. 241 00:12:07,269 --> 00:12:08,520 CHUCK: Well, they do. 242 00:12:08,604 --> 00:12:09,980 DEBBIE: Well, that's great, then. 243 00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:12,065 CHUCK: Ha ha ha. I'm on my way. 244 00:12:13,108 --> 00:12:14,526 [ Sighs ] 245 00:12:25,204 --> 00:12:27,372 PENNY: Hello. 246 00:12:27,456 --> 00:12:28,749 Hi. 247 00:12:28,832 --> 00:12:31,543 [ Breathes in ] 248 00:12:31,627 --> 00:12:34,922 CHUCK: Uh... don't be alarmed. I'm here with Debbie. 249 00:12:35,005 --> 00:12:37,925 Yeah, I figured that. Hungry? 250 00:12:38,008 --> 00:12:40,260 Um, no, thanks. 251 00:12:40,344 --> 00:12:41,637 PENNY: Thirsty? 252 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:46,016 Sure, if you have a beer or... 253 00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:55,651 How was sex with Debbie? I always wanted to know. 254 00:12:55,734 --> 00:12:59,279 It was good. Fine. Thanks for asking. 255 00:12:59,363 --> 00:13:01,448 No problem. 256 00:13:01,532 --> 00:13:03,784 I just got fucked by this drummer cat, 257 00:13:03,867 --> 00:13:05,869 a real righteous Negro hipster. 258 00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:07,496 Heh. Interesting. 259 00:13:07,579 --> 00:13:09,331 I'm into the brotherhood of man. 260 00:13:09,414 --> 00:13:11,458 I fucked an Oriental last week. 261 00:13:11,542 --> 00:13:14,086 - What are you? - Jew. 262 00:13:14,169 --> 00:13:16,421 I had one of those once, but he was Sephardic. 263 00:13:16,505 --> 00:13:18,465 [ Mispronounces ] You look Ashke-nazi. 264 00:13:18,549 --> 00:13:21,176 - Ashkenazi. - Right, Ashke-nazi. 265 00:13:21,260 --> 00:13:24,263 I haven't had one of those yet. 266 00:13:24,346 --> 00:13:26,265 You're romantic. 267 00:13:26,348 --> 00:13:28,016 Yeah. I just don't get into all the bullshit... 268 00:13:28,100 --> 00:13:29,977 between cats and chicks. 269 00:13:30,060 --> 00:13:32,271 - I know what you mean. - You know what I mean? 270 00:13:32,354 --> 00:13:33,981 Besides, you just give your heart to one cat... 271 00:13:34,064 --> 00:13:35,190 and you get hurt. 272 00:13:35,274 --> 00:13:36,775 Don't I know it? 273 00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:43,866 PENNY: We could ball if you want. 274 00:13:44,908 --> 00:13:46,827 [ Both laugh ] 275 00:13:46,910 --> 00:13:48,203 CHUCK: Whoa-ho-ho. 276 00:13:49,580 --> 00:13:50,831 That would be good. 277 00:13:50,914 --> 00:13:54,126 Yeah, but... ha ha ha! 278 00:13:54,209 --> 00:13:57,462 I'm here with Debbie. It doesn't seem right. 279 00:13:57,546 --> 00:13:58,881 [ Laughing ] 280 00:14:03,427 --> 00:14:05,721 That's true. I didn't think of that. 281 00:14:07,556 --> 00:14:10,517 Well, I'm going to bed. It was nice meeting you. 282 00:14:10,601 --> 00:14:12,561 Hey, what's your name? 283 00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,565 I'm Penny. 284 00:14:16,648 --> 00:14:18,025 I'm Chuck. 285 00:14:18,108 --> 00:14:19,818 - Chuck Barris. - Yeah. 286 00:14:19,902 --> 00:14:21,486 Yeah, you wrote that Palisades song. 287 00:14:21,570 --> 00:14:23,989 - I really like that song. - Oh, thanks. 288 00:14:24,072 --> 00:14:25,741 Yeah, it's real sentimental bullshit. 289 00:14:25,824 --> 00:14:28,202 CHUCK: Oh, right. 290 00:14:28,285 --> 00:14:30,245 [ "Palisades Park" playing ] 291 00:14:34,041 --> 00:14:36,710 # Last night I took a walk after dark # 292 00:14:36,793 --> 00:14:39,546 # A swingin' place called Palisades Park # 293 00:14:39,630 --> 00:14:43,550 # To have some fun and see what I could see # 294 00:14:43,634 --> 00:14:45,427 # That's where the girls are # 295 00:14:45,511 --> 00:14:48,180 # I took a ride on the shoot-the-chute # 296 00:14:48,263 --> 00:14:51,099 # That girl I sat beside was awful cute # 297 00:14:51,183 --> 00:14:55,437 # After it stopped, she was holding hands with me # 298 00:14:55,521 --> 00:14:57,648 # My heart was flyin' up # 299 00:14:57,731 --> 00:14:59,650 # Like a rocket ship # 300 00:14:59,733 --> 00:15:02,444 # Down, like a roller coaster # 301 00:15:02,528 --> 00:15:04,863 # Back, like a loop-the-loop # 302 00:15:04,947 --> 00:15:08,408 # And around, like a merry-go-round # 303 00:15:08,492 --> 00:15:11,245 # We ate and ate at a hot dog stand # 304 00:15:11,328 --> 00:15:14,122 # We danced around to a rockin' band # 305 00:15:14,206 --> 00:15:17,835 # And when I could, I gave that girl a hug # 306 00:15:17,918 --> 00:15:19,837 # In the Tunnel of Love # 307 00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:22,256 # You'll never know how great a kiss can feel # 308 00:15:22,339 --> 00:15:25,092 # When you stop at the top of a Ferris wheel # 309 00:15:25,175 --> 00:15:27,094 # When I fell in love # 310 00:15:27,177 --> 00:15:30,222 # Down at Palisades Park # 311 00:15:30,305 --> 00:15:32,099 # Whoa-oh-oh-oh # 312 00:15:32,182 --> 00:15:34,101 [ People at park scream ] 313 00:15:34,184 --> 00:15:36,186 [ Song fades out ] 314 00:15:39,731 --> 00:15:41,441 PENNY: Last night in my dream... 315 00:15:41,525 --> 00:15:44,444 this ape and I are sitting staring at each other... 316 00:15:44,528 --> 00:15:47,072 and it was, like, across time and evolution. 317 00:15:47,155 --> 00:15:48,907 And then he started talking... 318 00:15:48,991 --> 00:15:51,368 but in a language I didn't really understand. 319 00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:54,246 [ Laughs ] Swiss, maybe. 320 00:15:54,329 --> 00:15:59,251 And then he tuned into Perry Como, real square. 321 00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:01,420 - What's wrong with you? - Nothing. 322 00:16:01,503 --> 00:16:03,046 PENNY: You know, just because we fucked... 323 00:16:03,130 --> 00:16:04,631 doesn't mean there are strings now. 324 00:16:04,715 --> 00:16:05,966 CHUCK: [ Laughs ] OK. 325 00:16:06,049 --> 00:16:07,718 PENNY: I just wanted to tell you about my dream. 326 00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:10,512 Nothing more complicated than that. Don't panic. 327 00:16:10,596 --> 00:16:13,557 I'm just not used to all this dating bullshit. 328 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:14,808 Now we're a couple. 329 00:16:14,892 --> 00:16:17,352 Now I'm obliged to give a shit what you say. 330 00:16:17,436 --> 00:16:20,147 PENNY: Don't worry. I'm not into those games. 331 00:16:20,230 --> 00:16:23,567 So anyway, the monkey turns into Perry Como... 332 00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:24,818 and I say... 333 00:16:24,902 --> 00:16:26,445 - Holy fuck. - What? 334 00:16:26,528 --> 00:16:28,363 CHUCK: Holy, holy fuck. 335 00:16:28,447 --> 00:16:31,992 You just gave me an idea for a show. Fuck! 336 00:16:32,075 --> 00:16:33,577 PENNY: A show about monkeys? 337 00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:35,496 CHUCK: No, about people. 338 00:16:35,579 --> 00:16:37,664 About sex, about romance, 339 00:16:37,748 --> 00:16:41,168 about the bullshit of dating. 340 00:16:41,251 --> 00:16:43,670 I call it "The Dating Game"... 341 00:16:43,754 --> 00:16:46,757 and that's what it's about, Mr. Goldberg. 342 00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:50,219 A pretty girl asks three handsome guys, 343 00:16:50,302 --> 00:16:52,971 who she can't see, silly questions... 344 00:16:53,055 --> 00:16:54,973 and based on their answers... 345 00:16:55,057 --> 00:16:58,685 she picks one to date, and we pay for the date. 346 00:16:58,769 --> 00:17:00,437 That's it. That's the show. 347 00:17:05,609 --> 00:17:08,820 CHUCK: Aah! Aah! Aah! 348 00:17:08,904 --> 00:17:11,365 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! 349 00:17:11,448 --> 00:17:13,700 - Hot damn! - What, what, what? 350 00:17:13,784 --> 00:17:15,035 - They bought it! - Yeah! 351 00:17:15,118 --> 00:17:16,703 CHUCK: They bought it! 352 00:17:16,787 --> 00:17:20,207 They're giving me 7,500 fuckin' dollars to make a pilot! 353 00:17:20,290 --> 00:17:22,417 PENNY: We gotta go celebrate! Let's go roller skating! 354 00:17:22,501 --> 00:17:23,877 CHUCK: I can't! I got a date! 355 00:17:23,961 --> 00:17:25,420 PENNY: OK, cool. Will you call me after? 356 00:17:25,504 --> 00:17:28,257 - OK! - OK! Bye! Mwah! 357 00:17:28,340 --> 00:17:30,342 [ Upbeat music playing ] 358 00:17:51,655 --> 00:17:53,073 [ No audio ] 359 00:18:20,559 --> 00:18:22,227 BARRIS: I figured I was in. 360 00:18:22,311 --> 00:18:24,438 All I had to do was get the pilot made... 361 00:18:24,521 --> 00:18:25,647 [ Camera clicks ] 362 00:18:25,731 --> 00:18:27,816 and I'd be a millionaire. 363 00:18:27,900 --> 00:18:30,485 Everyone would love me. 364 00:18:30,569 --> 00:18:34,198 Was anyone ever so young? 365 00:18:34,281 --> 00:18:35,699 - No. - No. 366 00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:36,909 - No. - No. 367 00:18:36,992 --> 00:18:40,162 - No. - All right. Lose it. 368 00:18:40,245 --> 00:18:42,623 BARRIS: ABC didn't like "The Dating Game." 369 00:18:42,706 --> 00:18:44,917 They did like a show called "Hootenanny." 370 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:46,960 Whoa, whoa, whoa. I like this one. 371 00:18:47,044 --> 00:18:50,088 CHUCK: Well, he led an amazingly long life. 372 00:18:50,172 --> 00:18:52,132 BARRIS: Hooten-fuckin'-nanny. 373 00:18:56,428 --> 00:18:57,679 PENNY: What do they know? 374 00:18:57,763 --> 00:19:00,432 That's long for a dog. 375 00:19:02,351 --> 00:19:04,645 I don't know. Probably about 70 to you and me. 376 00:19:09,900 --> 00:19:11,652 [ Sighs ] Uh-huh. 377 00:19:12,986 --> 00:19:16,281 It's nine years to every one of ours. 378 00:19:16,365 --> 00:19:18,826 [ Thump ] PENNY: Ha ha ha! 379 00:19:18,909 --> 00:19:20,869 [ Bag rustles ] 380 00:19:22,454 --> 00:19:23,705 CHUCK: Yeah. 381 00:19:23,789 --> 00:19:25,123 [ Penny laughing ] 382 00:19:27,417 --> 00:19:28,669 Uh-huh. 383 00:19:28,752 --> 00:19:31,338 I'm sorry about your show. 384 00:19:31,421 --> 00:19:35,342 What? How long has he been dead? 385 00:19:35,425 --> 00:19:37,344 Jesus, Phoebe, that's... 386 00:19:37,427 --> 00:19:38,929 Yeah. No, I'll hold on. 387 00:19:39,012 --> 00:19:40,931 - Is that your mom? - My sister. 388 00:19:41,014 --> 00:19:45,102 Come here. Oh, yeah. I got you these. 389 00:19:45,185 --> 00:19:46,478 Listen, Pen, I'm not... 390 00:19:46,562 --> 00:19:48,856 I want to tell you something. I talked to a psychic today. 391 00:19:48,939 --> 00:19:50,858 - A what? - A psychic. 392 00:19:50,941 --> 00:19:53,861 And she said that you are gonna be very successful. 393 00:19:53,944 --> 00:19:56,697 - Oh, really? - Very successful. 394 00:19:56,780 --> 00:20:00,284 - Tarot cards? - Tea leaves. 395 00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:03,203 Say that again, Phoebe. I missed it. 396 00:20:03,287 --> 00:20:07,875 Tuvia? No, why would I have seen her? 397 00:20:07,958 --> 00:20:11,295 - She did? - Who's Tuvia? 398 00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:14,464 - To Manhattan? - Who's Tuvia? 399 00:20:15,966 --> 00:20:17,134 Yeah. 400 00:20:20,012 --> 00:20:21,221 CHUCK: Uh-huh. 401 00:20:24,474 --> 00:20:25,559 Oh, your niece. 402 00:20:25,642 --> 00:20:28,228 CHUCK: Divorced? Really? 403 00:20:28,312 --> 00:20:30,564 I didn't know she got married. 404 00:20:31,607 --> 00:20:32,774 Yes? 405 00:20:34,526 --> 00:20:37,279 Hi, Tuvia. 406 00:20:40,115 --> 00:20:43,076 Well, if it isn't Strawberry Dick Barris. 407 00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:45,704 - What do you want? - Ha ha ha! 408 00:20:45,787 --> 00:20:48,749 I'm back in town for a while, and I thought maybe... 409 00:20:48,832 --> 00:20:50,292 TUVIA: Jesus, you gotta be kidding. 410 00:20:50,375 --> 00:20:51,752 CHUCK: We could go out and get an ice cream cone. 411 00:20:51,835 --> 00:20:54,129 He's so convincing when he's... Heh heh... 412 00:20:54,213 --> 00:20:55,589 when he's talkin' with you... 413 00:20:55,672 --> 00:20:57,883 he could convince you of anything, you know? 414 00:20:57,966 --> 00:20:59,885 He's one of the very few guys... 415 00:20:59,968 --> 00:21:03,722 I'd like to have on my side in a street fight. 416 00:21:03,805 --> 00:21:05,933 CHUCK: You wanna fight, you big pile of shit? 417 00:21:06,016 --> 00:21:07,226 [ Thud ] 418 00:21:07,309 --> 00:21:09,269 [ Grunting and shouting ] 419 00:21:18,612 --> 00:21:20,948 You're a pretty angry young fella. 420 00:21:21,031 --> 00:21:22,950 Can't fight worth a damn, though. 421 00:21:23,033 --> 00:21:24,451 CHUCK: Hey, screw off, queer. 422 00:21:24,535 --> 00:21:26,203 Don't think I haven't seen you watching me... 423 00:21:26,286 --> 00:21:27,663 in that bar for a week now. 424 00:21:27,746 --> 00:21:29,623 Kind of a loner, I'd say. 425 00:21:29,706 --> 00:21:32,084 Fairly bright, a tad antisocial. 426 00:21:32,167 --> 00:21:34,628 Mad at the world. Can I buy you lunch? 427 00:21:34,711 --> 00:21:38,131 [ Sighs ] Look, there's a schoolyard half a block down. 428 00:21:38,215 --> 00:21:41,134 Why don't you go trollin' there? 429 00:21:41,218 --> 00:21:43,303 JIM: I can teach you at least 30 different ways... 430 00:21:43,387 --> 00:21:45,973 to kill a man with a single blow, Mr. Barris. 431 00:21:46,056 --> 00:21:47,683 It might help in future bar fights. 432 00:21:47,766 --> 00:21:50,310 Just a thought. 433 00:21:50,394 --> 00:21:53,522 Oh, and there's money in it, good money. 434 00:21:54,731 --> 00:21:57,192 CHUCK: I figure if I can keep afloat... 435 00:21:57,276 --> 00:21:59,528 until I come up with the next game show idea... 436 00:21:59,611 --> 00:22:01,613 then all would be copacetic. 437 00:22:01,697 --> 00:22:04,032 That sounds great, Chuck. 438 00:22:04,116 --> 00:22:06,410 I've never known a television producer before. 439 00:22:06,493 --> 00:22:07,828 I'm impressed. 440 00:22:07,911 --> 00:22:09,830 [ Chuckles ] Yeah. OK. 441 00:22:09,913 --> 00:22:12,332 What's this money and a deal you were talking about? 442 00:22:12,416 --> 00:22:14,751 JIM: I work for a government agency. 443 00:22:14,835 --> 00:22:17,337 We're always looking for good, enthusiastic men... 444 00:22:17,421 --> 00:22:19,756 to help us carry out our directives. 445 00:22:26,054 --> 00:22:29,016 What kind of work? What government agency? 446 00:22:30,392 --> 00:22:33,228 Problem-solving work. 447 00:22:33,312 --> 00:22:35,189 The Office of Diplomatic Security. 448 00:22:35,272 --> 00:22:38,817 [ Laughs ] Office of what? I never heard of it. 449 00:22:38,901 --> 00:22:41,236 Is that the fuckin' CIA or something? 450 00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:43,864 Ha ha ha ha ha! 451 00:22:43,947 --> 00:22:46,241 JIM: Please be discreet, Mr. Barris. 452 00:22:59,296 --> 00:23:00,714 [ Whispers ] Jesus. 453 00:23:00,797 --> 00:23:02,841 Is this the fuckin' CIA? 454 00:23:04,635 --> 00:23:06,553 Yeah. Hell, I'll be a spy. 455 00:23:06,637 --> 00:23:09,097 Where do I sign up? Are you fuckin' with me? 456 00:23:09,181 --> 00:23:10,474 You're fuckin' with me, aren't you? 457 00:23:10,557 --> 00:23:12,184 JIM: Hardly. 458 00:23:12,267 --> 00:23:14,186 And you wouldn't be working for the company. 459 00:23:14,269 --> 00:23:17,064 You'd be an independent contract agent. 460 00:23:17,147 --> 00:23:18,398 Independent. 461 00:23:18,482 --> 00:23:20,734 No official tie to any agency. 462 00:23:21,818 --> 00:23:23,779 Understand? 463 00:23:26,907 --> 00:23:28,367 Why me? 464 00:23:29,868 --> 00:23:32,246 Well, as you know, I've been watching you. 465 00:23:32,329 --> 00:23:33,872 For quite some time, actually. 466 00:23:33,956 --> 00:23:36,416 I've only let you know about it for the last week. 467 00:23:36,500 --> 00:23:41,588 I'm happy to report you fit our profile, Mr. Barris. 468 00:23:41,672 --> 00:23:43,507 Are you interested in the work? 469 00:23:46,468 --> 00:23:47,719 What's the profile? 470 00:23:47,803 --> 00:23:51,974 JIM: Are you interested in the work, Mr. Barris? 471 00:23:52,057 --> 00:23:54,560 Yeah, sure. I wanna be a secret agent. 472 00:23:54,643 --> 00:23:56,144 A contract agent, whatever. 473 00:23:56,228 --> 00:23:58,480 Get to fuck beautiful Eastern European women... 474 00:23:58,564 --> 00:24:00,941 What we do is very serious, Mr. Barris. 475 00:24:01,024 --> 00:24:03,986 It's essential in quelling the rise of communism... 476 00:24:04,069 --> 00:24:06,530 and allowing democracy to get its rightful foothold... 477 00:24:06,613 --> 00:24:08,574 around the globe. 478 00:24:08,657 --> 00:24:10,784 You understand? 479 00:24:12,452 --> 00:24:14,454 Uh... sure. 480 00:24:14,538 --> 00:24:15,831 Yeah, uh... 481 00:24:15,914 --> 00:24:18,709 Yeah, OK. That's good. 482 00:24:18,792 --> 00:24:20,127 [ Clears throat ] 483 00:24:33,557 --> 00:24:36,685 INSTRUCTOR: There are several efficient methods... 484 00:24:36,768 --> 00:24:38,520 for killing a man... 485 00:24:38,604 --> 00:24:40,480 were you to find yourself without a weapon. 486 00:24:40,564 --> 00:24:43,650 The edge of your hand... 487 00:24:43,734 --> 00:24:46,153 against your adversary's Adam's apple. 488 00:24:46,236 --> 00:24:48,572 This will crush his windpipe... 489 00:24:48,655 --> 00:24:51,366 causing strangulation... 490 00:24:51,450 --> 00:24:52,868 and death. 491 00:24:55,871 --> 00:24:57,289 Hyuhh! 492 00:24:57,372 --> 00:24:58,832 [ Man gagging ] 493 00:24:58,916 --> 00:25:00,417 Shit! 494 00:25:02,127 --> 00:25:04,254 I need another volunteer. 495 00:25:04,338 --> 00:25:06,173 [ Man gasping ] 496 00:25:06,256 --> 00:25:08,550 You're training me to be a killer. 497 00:25:08,634 --> 00:25:10,677 See, Chuck? I knew you were fairly bright. 498 00:25:10,761 --> 00:25:14,181 I'm not killin' people. My future's in television. 499 00:25:14,264 --> 00:25:17,559 You're 32 years old, and you've achieved nothing. 500 00:25:17,643 --> 00:25:20,354 Jesus Christ was dead and alive again by 33. 501 00:25:20,437 --> 00:25:21,688 You better get crackin'. 502 00:25:21,772 --> 00:25:23,732 - I have ideas for shows. - Good. 503 00:25:23,815 --> 00:25:26,318 Why don't you spend another six months developing them... 504 00:25:26,401 --> 00:25:27,653 while you're staring out the window... 505 00:25:27,736 --> 00:25:30,531 waiting for Larry Goldberg to call? 506 00:25:30,614 --> 00:25:31,907 How do you know all this? 507 00:25:31,990 --> 00:25:34,159 I know everything about you, Chuck. 508 00:25:34,243 --> 00:25:36,036 I know which hand you jerk off with. 509 00:25:36,119 --> 00:25:39,706 Left. Leave in the morning, if you want. 510 00:25:39,790 --> 00:25:42,918 I'm here to tell you, this is honest work for good pay. 511 00:25:43,001 --> 00:25:44,503 You're making the world safer... 512 00:25:44,586 --> 00:25:46,588 and your country will be grateful. 513 00:25:48,048 --> 00:25:50,342 It'll toughen you up. 514 00:25:50,425 --> 00:25:52,886 CHUCK: Wait a second! 515 00:25:52,970 --> 00:25:55,389 Hey, we gotta talk about this. 516 00:25:55,472 --> 00:25:59,893 BARRIS: And there it was, my defining moment. 517 00:25:59,977 --> 00:26:02,521 I wasn't just gonna work for the CIA. 518 00:26:02,604 --> 00:26:05,065 I was gonna kill for them. 519 00:26:07,025 --> 00:26:09,236 Call it patriotism. 520 00:26:09,319 --> 00:26:10,904 [ Gunfire ] 521 00:26:10,988 --> 00:26:12,948 [ Dramatic music playing ] 522 00:26:50,360 --> 00:26:52,029 Glycerine is, of course... 523 00:26:52,112 --> 00:26:55,365 the best known nitrating agent. 524 00:26:55,449 --> 00:27:00,412 Keep in mind, though, that nitro... glycerine... 525 00:27:00,496 --> 00:27:02,539 is extremely unstable. 526 00:27:04,666 --> 00:27:07,127 A slight tap... 527 00:27:07,211 --> 00:27:11,089 a one-degree change in temperature... 528 00:27:11,173 --> 00:27:13,759 and it'll blow up in your hands. 529 00:27:17,387 --> 00:27:19,473 So, let's mix us up a batch! 530 00:27:19,556 --> 00:27:22,768 Everybody take your 75-milliliter beaker... 531 00:27:22,851 --> 00:27:24,811 and fill it up to the 13-milliliter level... 532 00:27:24,895 --> 00:27:27,689 with red-hot fumin' nitric acid, 533 00:27:27,773 --> 00:27:29,775 98% concentration. 534 00:27:33,403 --> 00:27:34,988 The field phone... 535 00:27:35,072 --> 00:27:37,783 used as an instrument of interrogation... 536 00:27:37,866 --> 00:27:39,326 or torture. 537 00:27:41,078 --> 00:27:42,913 [ Electricity crackles ] 538 00:27:44,206 --> 00:27:47,751 Attaching firmly to the genitalia. 539 00:27:47,835 --> 00:27:50,170 [ Fizzing and popping ] 540 00:27:50,254 --> 00:27:52,172 Hey, Ivan! 541 00:27:52,256 --> 00:27:54,633 Are you now, or have you ever been... 542 00:27:54,716 --> 00:27:56,134 a member of the Communist Party? 543 00:27:56,218 --> 00:27:59,638 What's your Aunt Tillie's recipe for vodka cookies? 544 00:27:59,721 --> 00:28:01,890 [ Laughs ] 545 00:28:11,233 --> 00:28:13,026 All right, Jack. 546 00:28:13,110 --> 00:28:14,736 Take care, Lee. 547 00:28:35,757 --> 00:28:37,426 [ Starts engine ] 548 00:28:40,596 --> 00:28:43,056 I know a lot about him that you are not gonna know. 549 00:28:43,140 --> 00:28:44,516 I can't tell you. 550 00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:46,101 Yeah. 551 00:28:46,185 --> 00:28:50,439 I know some things about him that are very distressing... 552 00:28:50,522 --> 00:28:52,232 and, um... 553 00:28:52,316 --> 00:28:55,527 and you wouldn't want to know them about him. 554 00:28:55,611 --> 00:28:58,280 [ Music playing ] 555 00:29:08,665 --> 00:29:10,876 CHUCK: So, what did this guy Renda do, anyway? 556 00:29:10,959 --> 00:29:12,836 It's your job to follow directives... 557 00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:14,296 not question their validity. 558 00:29:14,379 --> 00:29:17,758 CHUCK: Uh... oh. Por favor, uh, senor... 559 00:29:17,841 --> 00:29:19,051 No hablo ingles. 560 00:29:19,134 --> 00:29:21,261 Ra-blah-blah los bloteros? 561 00:29:21,345 --> 00:29:22,596 [ Speaks Spanish ] 562 00:29:22,679 --> 00:29:25,349 Ra-blah-blah la minjares? 563 00:29:25,432 --> 00:29:26,934 Hermano, help me, please. 564 00:29:27,017 --> 00:29:30,062 - Sennor, no habla ingles. - No, no, no, no. 565 00:29:30,145 --> 00:29:31,897 BENITEZ: Can I be of some assistance? 566 00:29:31,980 --> 00:29:33,106 JIM: He's a bad guy. 567 00:29:33,190 --> 00:29:36,568 He's one of the bad guys. 568 00:29:36,652 --> 00:29:38,278 Bad for the U.S., right, Jim? 569 00:29:38,362 --> 00:29:41,073 Not bad in an absolute sense, just bad for the U.S. 570 00:29:41,156 --> 00:29:42,574 Don't fuckin' dance with me. 571 00:29:42,658 --> 00:29:44,910 Renda's bad for the Tea and Biscuit Company. 572 00:29:44,993 --> 00:29:46,328 He's bad for me personally. 573 00:29:46,411 --> 00:29:49,122 You work for me. Renda's bad for me. 574 00:29:49,206 --> 00:29:51,416 You're now officially a patriotic citizen... 575 00:29:51,500 --> 00:29:53,293 of the United States of Jim Byrd. 576 00:29:53,377 --> 00:29:56,296 There's no backing out now. We've let you in on everything. 577 00:29:56,380 --> 00:29:58,048 You don't play, you don't leave. 578 00:29:58,131 --> 00:30:01,927 Understand that? You don't play, you don't leave. 579 00:30:05,597 --> 00:30:07,766 JIM: I like you. I do. 580 00:30:07,850 --> 00:30:09,601 And you're gonna do fine tomorrow... 581 00:30:09,685 --> 00:30:11,895 and we're gonna become good friends. 582 00:30:17,568 --> 00:30:19,236 You can have a nice little career... 583 00:30:19,319 --> 00:30:21,905 but you have to grow up. There's a war on. 584 00:30:28,954 --> 00:30:30,414 [ Starts engine ] 585 00:30:43,177 --> 00:30:44,845 [ Insects buzzing ] 586 00:30:48,724 --> 00:30:50,893 [ "Star Spangled Banner" playing ] 587 00:31:04,907 --> 00:31:07,201 JIM: Beautiful country, isn't it? 588 00:31:07,284 --> 00:31:09,870 CHUCK: Yeah. 589 00:31:09,953 --> 00:31:13,582 You did us proud today, Chuck. 590 00:31:13,665 --> 00:31:17,336 Renda was a bad guy. He really was. 591 00:31:22,049 --> 00:31:24,051 [ Chuck vomiting ] 592 00:31:26,136 --> 00:31:28,055 Chuck, is that you? 593 00:31:28,138 --> 00:31:31,266 Jesus Christ, Pen! You scared the shit out of me. 594 00:31:31,350 --> 00:31:32,643 - Were you throwing up? - What are you doing here? 595 00:31:32,726 --> 00:31:33,977 I've been crashing here for a while. 596 00:31:34,061 --> 00:31:36,104 I've been waiting for you. Where you been? 597 00:31:36,188 --> 00:31:38,065 Mexico. I was just on a little vacation. 598 00:31:38,148 --> 00:31:40,317 You didn't drink the water, did you? 599 00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:42,569 - Yeah. - You're not supposed to. 600 00:31:42,653 --> 00:31:43,862 That's Montessori's revenge. 601 00:31:43,946 --> 00:31:45,572 - Montezuma's. - Right. 602 00:31:45,656 --> 00:31:47,449 You can't even open your eyes or your mouth... 603 00:31:47,533 --> 00:31:49,201 when you take a shower there. 604 00:31:49,284 --> 00:31:51,870 Why is our water so good, and their water is poisoned? 605 00:31:51,954 --> 00:31:54,915 - It's in the same ocean. - I don't know. 606 00:31:54,998 --> 00:31:57,417 - Oh! - Huh. 607 00:31:57,501 --> 00:32:01,046 Um... I'm a hippie now. 608 00:32:01,129 --> 00:32:02,422 [ Both laugh ] 609 00:32:02,506 --> 00:32:04,341 Wow. Great. 610 00:32:04,424 --> 00:32:06,593 I've been to San Francisco, and it's amazing there. 611 00:32:06,677 --> 00:32:08,929 [ Snaps fingers ] Everybody loves everybody... 612 00:32:09,012 --> 00:32:10,222 and there's so many colors. 613 00:32:10,305 --> 00:32:11,974 And we're gonna change the world. 614 00:32:12,057 --> 00:32:14,059 [ Snaps fingers ] 615 00:32:14,142 --> 00:32:16,603 Will you come back there and be my old man with me? 616 00:32:16,687 --> 00:32:19,523 Ha ha! Well, not that old. 617 00:32:19,606 --> 00:32:21,400 Penny, I'm a little tired now, so maybe... 618 00:32:21,483 --> 00:32:23,777 Oh, wait, wait. I got to play you this song. 619 00:32:29,575 --> 00:32:31,577 [ "Sunshine Superman" playing ] 620 00:32:44,715 --> 00:32:47,134 DONOVAN: # Sunshine came softly # 621 00:32:47,217 --> 00:32:50,137 # Through my window today... # 622 00:32:50,220 --> 00:32:53,640 CHUCK: Penny, what did you do to my wall? 623 00:32:53,724 --> 00:32:57,102 Some guy called, Gold bird. 624 00:32:57,186 --> 00:32:59,479 Gold bird. Larry Goldberg? 625 00:32:59,563 --> 00:33:01,940 You're kidding me! 626 00:33:02,024 --> 00:33:06,069 Hi. This is Chuck Barris retuning for Larry Goldberg. 627 00:33:06,153 --> 00:33:08,447 - Hi, Chuck. - Mr. Goldberg. 628 00:33:08,530 --> 00:33:10,407 I'm so sorry I didn't get back to you right away. 629 00:33:10,491 --> 00:33:12,618 I was out of town. I was on vacation in Mexico. 630 00:33:12,701 --> 00:33:13,952 Good for you. 631 00:33:14,036 --> 00:33:16,038 Listen, I'm sitting here and going through things... 632 00:33:16,121 --> 00:33:18,415 and I have a hole in my daytime schedule. 633 00:33:18,499 --> 00:33:20,542 I think it might be right for you and your baby. 634 00:33:20,626 --> 00:33:22,044 My baby, Mr. Goldberg? 635 00:33:22,127 --> 00:33:25,464 Chuck, "Dating Game." Isn't that your baby? 636 00:33:25,547 --> 00:33:27,799 - Yes, sir, it is. - You still interested? 637 00:33:27,883 --> 00:33:29,510 Yes, sir. Very interested, sir. 638 00:33:29,593 --> 00:33:31,303 I've got six weeks to get this on the air. 639 00:33:31,386 --> 00:33:33,305 Is that doable for you and your people? 640 00:33:33,388 --> 00:33:37,518 My people? Six weeks? Sure, yeah. 641 00:33:37,601 --> 00:33:40,187 Give me a call when you get to L.A., Chuck. 642 00:33:41,688 --> 00:33:44,816 Oh, goddamn. 643 00:33:44,900 --> 00:33:49,321 Hot dog. Fucking shit. Piss. 644 00:33:49,404 --> 00:33:51,406 PENNY: Who's Larry Goldberg? 645 00:33:51,490 --> 00:33:53,867 [ Stomach gurgles ] 646 00:33:53,951 --> 00:33:55,953 [ Applause ] 647 00:33:57,412 --> 00:33:59,164 Bachelor number one... 648 00:33:59,248 --> 00:34:02,292 what would I like most about you? 649 00:34:02,376 --> 00:34:04,795 I'm very romantic... 650 00:34:04,878 --> 00:34:07,339 and I'd send you flowers every day. 651 00:34:07,422 --> 00:34:09,383 BACHELORETTE: Aw, that's so sweet. 652 00:34:09,466 --> 00:34:13,846 Bachelor number three, what would I like most about you? 653 00:34:13,929 --> 00:34:15,681 My big cock. 654 00:34:15,764 --> 00:34:18,225 [ Laughter ] 655 00:34:18,308 --> 00:34:21,520 [ Light applause ] 656 00:34:21,603 --> 00:34:23,689 [ Laughs ] 657 00:34:23,772 --> 00:34:25,732 BACHELORETTE: Bachelor number one... 658 00:34:25,816 --> 00:34:28,026 what nationality are you? 659 00:34:28,110 --> 00:34:31,196 BACHELOR NUMBER ONE: Um... my daddy is Welsh... 660 00:34:31,280 --> 00:34:32,823 my mama's Hungarian... 661 00:34:32,906 --> 00:34:36,743 so I guess that makes me well-hung. 662 00:34:36,827 --> 00:34:39,413 [ Laughter ] 663 00:34:39,496 --> 00:34:42,291 Bachelor number two... 664 00:34:42,374 --> 00:34:43,876 I play the trombone. 665 00:34:43,959 --> 00:34:47,838 If I blew you, what would you sound like? 666 00:34:47,921 --> 00:34:49,590 BACHELOR NUMBER TWO: What would I sound like? 667 00:34:49,673 --> 00:34:51,216 [ Laughs ] 668 00:34:51,300 --> 00:34:55,053 All right. Ooh. 669 00:34:55,137 --> 00:35:00,225 Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. 670 00:35:00,309 --> 00:35:03,437 Ooh. Ooh. 671 00:35:03,520 --> 00:35:06,356 Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. 672 00:35:06,440 --> 00:35:08,775 Ooh. 673 00:35:08,859 --> 00:35:11,987 That's nice. Don't stop. Oh. 674 00:35:12,070 --> 00:35:14,072 [ Imitates trombone ] 675 00:35:18,285 --> 00:35:20,078 Blow it, baby. 676 00:35:20,162 --> 00:35:22,998 [ Imitates trombone playing shakily ] 677 00:35:25,876 --> 00:35:27,252 [ Shoes squeak ] 678 00:35:27,336 --> 00:35:29,254 CHUCK: Heh heh. 679 00:35:29,338 --> 00:35:33,509 Chuck, quite frankly, these episodes are unairable. 680 00:35:33,592 --> 00:35:36,762 CHUCK: Look, Larry, the show's spontaneous. 681 00:35:36,845 --> 00:35:39,431 It's unscripted. That's its charm. 682 00:35:39,515 --> 00:35:41,266 I can't help what people say. 683 00:35:41,350 --> 00:35:44,019 HANK: Be that as it may, we can't have black men... 684 00:35:44,102 --> 00:35:46,230 getting blow jobs on national television! 685 00:35:46,313 --> 00:35:48,106 The point is not that he's black, Hank. 686 00:35:48,190 --> 00:35:49,566 HANK: Well, I know that. 687 00:35:49,650 --> 00:35:51,610 GOLDBERG: Chuck, that's it. We can't air this stuff. 688 00:35:51,693 --> 00:35:54,363 If you can't retain your spontaneity on the show... 689 00:35:54,446 --> 00:35:56,281 without this lewd conduct, it's over. 690 00:35:56,365 --> 00:35:58,325 It's finished. You're history. 691 00:35:58,408 --> 00:36:00,994 Now, fix this fucking thing, or we got a problem. 692 00:36:04,540 --> 00:36:07,417 Hi, folks. Before we begin taping today... 693 00:36:07,501 --> 00:36:09,753 I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Peter Jenks... 694 00:36:09,837 --> 00:36:12,047 of the Federal Communications Commission. 695 00:36:12,130 --> 00:36:13,340 OK? 696 00:36:17,427 --> 00:36:18,846 Thank you, Mr. Barris. 697 00:36:33,402 --> 00:36:38,949 I don't know if any of you are aware of this... 698 00:36:40,909 --> 00:36:42,911 but it's a federal offense... 699 00:36:42,995 --> 00:36:45,497 to make lascivious remarks... 700 00:36:45,581 --> 00:36:48,500 on a television network broadcast. 701 00:36:52,212 --> 00:36:53,881 The penalty... 702 00:36:57,050 --> 00:36:58,886 for this disgusting... 703 00:37:02,264 --> 00:37:06,602 un-American... behavior... 704 00:37:06,685 --> 00:37:09,688 is one year in prison... 705 00:37:09,771 --> 00:37:12,482 or a $10,000 fine... 706 00:37:12,566 --> 00:37:14,318 or both! 707 00:37:17,154 --> 00:37:19,406 Anyone... 708 00:37:19,490 --> 00:37:23,535 making a sick subversive remark tonight... 709 00:37:23,619 --> 00:37:25,662 will be arrested immediately. 710 00:37:25,746 --> 00:37:27,372 I, then, will personally escort... 711 00:37:27,456 --> 00:37:29,041 the offender to federal prison... 712 00:37:29,124 --> 00:37:31,960 for booking under edict number 364... 713 00:37:32,044 --> 00:37:35,464 of the Broadcasting Act of 1963. 714 00:37:35,547 --> 00:37:40,260 And it's a long drive to that prison, baby. 715 00:37:40,344 --> 00:37:43,222 Just you and me. 716 00:37:43,305 --> 00:37:45,849 No witnesses! 717 00:38:02,783 --> 00:38:04,701 CHUCK: OK, have fun, everybody. 718 00:38:04,785 --> 00:38:06,203 All right. 719 00:38:06,286 --> 00:38:09,164 They gave everybody jackets with their names on them... 720 00:38:09,248 --> 00:38:12,334 and when we got number one ratings on Saturday nights... 721 00:38:12,417 --> 00:38:14,044 everybody got a gold plaque. 722 00:38:14,127 --> 00:38:16,588 And so, he was a good boss... 723 00:38:16,672 --> 00:38:18,423 and obviously had the common touch... 724 00:38:18,507 --> 00:38:21,760 because he really knew what people wanted to watch. 725 00:38:21,844 --> 00:38:24,847 BARRIS: We aired and became a big hit. 726 00:38:24,930 --> 00:38:26,849 A phenomenon, really. 727 00:38:26,932 --> 00:38:29,601 CHUCK: Hey, baby. 728 00:38:29,685 --> 00:38:31,854 [ Sighs ] I got a story to tell you. 729 00:38:31,937 --> 00:38:33,605 - Asshole. - I know, I know. 730 00:38:33,689 --> 00:38:36,608 Uhh. I got a little story for you. 731 00:38:36,692 --> 00:38:37,860 LORETTA: I'm busy. We're in the middle... 732 00:38:37,943 --> 00:38:39,278 of a bachelorette crisis out there. 733 00:38:39,361 --> 00:38:40,863 CHUCK: Sit down, relax. 734 00:38:40,946 --> 00:38:43,448 Take a load off. Make yourself at home. 735 00:38:43,532 --> 00:38:44,908 I just got a call from the network. 736 00:38:44,992 --> 00:38:46,618 - You want a drink? - You got any weed? 737 00:38:46,702 --> 00:38:49,454 CHUCK: I wish. No, no weed. 738 00:38:49,538 --> 00:38:50,789 Then I'll have a drink. 739 00:38:50,873 --> 00:38:51,790 [ Chuck sighs ] 740 00:38:51,874 --> 00:38:53,167 LORETTA: Bad news? 741 00:38:53,250 --> 00:38:55,627 "The Tammy Grimes Show" is being pulled from Saturday night. 742 00:38:55,711 --> 00:38:58,881 - Oh, not Tammy. - Ha ha ha ha. 743 00:38:58,964 --> 00:39:00,465 They want me to put a prime-time version... 744 00:39:00,549 --> 00:39:02,426 of "The Dating Game" on in its place. 745 00:39:04,428 --> 00:39:06,680 - That's fucking great. - Yeah, it's great... 746 00:39:06,763 --> 00:39:08,348 but they say the day-time version is not hot enough. 747 00:39:08,432 --> 00:39:10,309 They want me to make it more exciting for night-time. 748 00:39:10,392 --> 00:39:12,311 I got 48 hours. 749 00:39:13,896 --> 00:39:15,647 LORETTA: What have you got? 750 00:39:15,731 --> 00:39:17,482 [ Sighs ] 751 00:39:17,566 --> 00:39:20,194 I don't have a clue. I got nothing. Bupkus. 752 00:39:20,277 --> 00:39:23,363 This is a big deal, Loretta. My big break. 753 00:39:23,447 --> 00:39:27,242 I know. [ Exhales ] 754 00:39:28,410 --> 00:39:31,330 - Don't blow it. - Oh, thanks for the help. 755 00:39:35,959 --> 00:39:37,961 [ Sighs ] 756 00:39:39,421 --> 00:39:41,381 [ Slow jazz music playing ] 757 00:39:53,477 --> 00:39:55,062 JIM: Let me ask you something, Chuck. 758 00:39:55,145 --> 00:39:57,940 Jesus. What the... What are you doing here? 759 00:39:58,023 --> 00:39:59,358 JIM: I've been put in charge... 760 00:39:59,441 --> 00:40:01,360 of a fairly large wet operation... 761 00:40:01,443 --> 00:40:03,695 and I could use your help. 762 00:40:03,779 --> 00:40:05,113 [ Scoffs ] 763 00:40:07,533 --> 00:40:09,201 Have you noticed, Jim? I got a TV show on the air. 764 00:40:09,284 --> 00:40:10,953 I don't need to kill people for hire anymore. 765 00:40:11,036 --> 00:40:14,039 I know you don't need to, but you like to. 766 00:40:14,122 --> 00:40:15,541 Bullshit. 767 00:40:15,624 --> 00:40:18,877 Think of it as a hobby, something you do to relax. 768 00:40:18,961 --> 00:40:21,880 You can be an assassination enthusiast, 769 00:40:21,964 --> 00:40:23,048 a murder bug. 770 00:40:23,131 --> 00:40:24,716 I got important things to think about here. 771 00:40:24,800 --> 00:40:26,051 I don't have time to fuck around with you. 772 00:40:26,134 --> 00:40:28,095 This is serious work we're talking about, Chuck, 773 00:40:28,178 --> 00:40:30,305 serious work. 774 00:40:30,389 --> 00:40:32,724 How about I help you out with your little show... 775 00:40:32,808 --> 00:40:34,393 you help me out with my little operation? 776 00:40:34,476 --> 00:40:36,228 Tit for tat. That's the kind of guy I am. 777 00:40:36,311 --> 00:40:38,564 Oh, yeah. You're a piece of work. 778 00:40:38,647 --> 00:40:40,315 I've seen this "Dating Game" of yours, Chuck... 779 00:40:40,399 --> 00:40:41,650 and I do have a thought. 780 00:40:41,733 --> 00:40:44,570 What, now you're a big television producer? 781 00:40:44,653 --> 00:40:47,030 JIM: I'm John Q. Public when it comes to TV... 782 00:40:47,114 --> 00:40:50,284 and that should make my opinion of value to you. 783 00:40:50,367 --> 00:40:53,412 CHUCK: All right, let's hear it, then. 784 00:40:53,495 --> 00:40:55,747 JIM: What do you have? Some couple gets sent... 785 00:40:55,831 --> 00:40:58,250 to some second-rate shit-can restaurant... 786 00:40:58,333 --> 00:40:59,960 setting you back 50 bucks? 787 00:41:00,043 --> 00:41:01,378 That's not too exciting a prize... 788 00:41:01,461 --> 00:41:04,173 for us vicarious living boobs out in TV land. 789 00:41:04,256 --> 00:41:06,633 - What's your point? - Up the stakes, Chuck. 790 00:41:06,717 --> 00:41:08,510 Send them to some exotic locale... 791 00:41:08,594 --> 00:41:12,264 Europe, Southeast Asia, for example. 792 00:41:13,682 --> 00:41:14,975 The network's not going to let me send... 793 00:41:15,058 --> 00:41:16,768 two unmarried kids on vacation together. 794 00:41:16,852 --> 00:41:18,854 JIM: Send them with a chaperone. 795 00:41:21,899 --> 00:41:23,358 CHUCK: That's... 796 00:41:28,030 --> 00:41:29,156 That's not half bad. 797 00:41:29,239 --> 00:41:30,824 JIM: I'm telling you. 798 00:41:30,908 --> 00:41:33,702 Sometimes you could be the chaperone. 799 00:41:33,785 --> 00:41:36,079 Say we have a job for you in Austria. 800 00:41:36,163 --> 00:41:39,041 You, a successful television producer... 801 00:41:39,124 --> 00:41:40,375 chaperones a young couple. 802 00:41:40,459 --> 00:41:43,086 While there, you take care of some company business. 803 00:41:43,170 --> 00:41:44,588 It's a perfect cover. 804 00:41:44,671 --> 00:41:47,925 TV producer by day, CIA operative at night. 805 00:41:48,008 --> 00:41:49,092 I got money, Jim. 806 00:41:49,176 --> 00:41:51,803 I don't have to kill people for money anymore. 807 00:41:51,887 --> 00:41:53,680 Chuck, when I said you fit the profile... 808 00:41:53,764 --> 00:41:56,642 very little of that meant you needed the money. 809 00:41:56,725 --> 00:42:00,479 You liked it with Renda. I saw it in your eyes. 810 00:42:00,562 --> 00:42:02,898 You liked it, but you botched it. 811 00:42:05,567 --> 00:42:08,195 You could be a great warrior, Chuck. 812 00:42:08,278 --> 00:42:10,239 BACHELORETTE: Bachelor number three... 813 00:42:10,322 --> 00:42:11,990 if we were fixed up on a date... 814 00:42:12,074 --> 00:42:13,158 and I ignored you... 815 00:42:13,242 --> 00:42:15,369 DIRECTOR: This guy's never been on a date. 816 00:42:15,452 --> 00:42:17,496 [ Snaps fingers ] Ready, four. Take four. 817 00:42:17,579 --> 00:42:19,706 Well. I'm not used to being ignored... 818 00:42:19,790 --> 00:42:21,834 but I would... I'd give you your space. 819 00:42:21,917 --> 00:42:24,586 The only date this guy's had is with his right hand. 820 00:42:24,670 --> 00:42:27,005 [ Both laugh ] 821 00:42:27,089 --> 00:42:28,382 Ready, one. Take one. 822 00:42:28,465 --> 00:42:30,634 [ Audience laughing ] 823 00:42:30,717 --> 00:42:34,263 Bachelor number three, what if I pick you... 824 00:42:34,346 --> 00:42:36,932 DIRECTOR: God, she's going for the three. 825 00:42:37,015 --> 00:42:38,600 Ready, four. Take four. [ Snaps fingers ] 826 00:42:38,684 --> 00:42:40,602 The only way that you could be ugly... 827 00:42:40,686 --> 00:42:43,730 is by what you say or do. 828 00:42:43,814 --> 00:42:45,357 I don't know. From where I'm sitting... 829 00:42:45,440 --> 00:42:46,358 I think you're beautiful. 830 00:42:46,441 --> 00:42:47,693 DIRECTOR: I can't believe it. 831 00:42:47,776 --> 00:42:49,194 BACHELORETTE: Bachelor number three... 832 00:42:49,278 --> 00:42:50,946 can you please tell me what a girl is like... 833 00:42:51,029 --> 00:42:52,614 who has never been on a date before... 834 00:42:52,698 --> 00:42:55,325 and how you can tell? 835 00:42:55,409 --> 00:43:00,038 Well... I'll ask her what she likes to do... 836 00:43:00,122 --> 00:43:03,333 and if she doesn't know what she likes to do... 837 00:43:03,417 --> 00:43:05,460 then I'll know she hasn't done it yet. 838 00:43:05,544 --> 00:43:06,545 [ Applause ] 839 00:43:06,628 --> 00:43:09,631 [ Game show music playing ] 840 00:43:18,974 --> 00:43:20,976 BACHELOR NUMBER THREE: Why don't you talk to her? 841 00:43:21,059 --> 00:43:25,606 You can do that. She's real shy. 842 00:43:25,689 --> 00:43:28,358 You have to tell her. That's your job. 843 00:43:28,442 --> 00:43:31,236 Tell her that I think she's real pretty... 844 00:43:31,320 --> 00:43:34,781 and I want to be her boyfriend. 845 00:43:34,865 --> 00:43:36,742 I'm shy, too. 846 00:43:36,825 --> 00:43:38,744 You got to tell her that, Chuck. 847 00:43:38,827 --> 00:43:40,204 I used to skate when I was young. 848 00:43:40,287 --> 00:43:42,498 I told her that. She didn't even look at me. 849 00:43:42,581 --> 00:43:45,125 You got to talk to her, Chuck. It's your job. 850 00:43:45,209 --> 00:43:49,046 She picked me, not those other guys. 851 00:43:49,129 --> 00:43:50,881 You're the chaperone, Chuck. 852 00:43:55,219 --> 00:43:56,637 She called me gay. 853 00:43:56,720 --> 00:44:00,015 I'm not gay. You got to tell her that. 854 00:44:00,098 --> 00:44:02,267 You're not doing your job very well. 855 00:44:02,351 --> 00:44:03,852 I mean, I know it takes time... 856 00:44:03,936 --> 00:44:05,270 for people to get to know each other... 857 00:44:05,354 --> 00:44:07,814 but this is ridiculous. 858 00:44:07,898 --> 00:44:10,859 They thought he was... 859 00:44:10,943 --> 00:44:13,028 They sort of walked a straight line... 860 00:44:13,111 --> 00:44:15,113 because they used to talk about him... 861 00:44:15,197 --> 00:44:17,491 saying, you know, "This guy, he can turn on you." 862 00:44:17,574 --> 00:44:19,743 You know, and I never saw that side... 863 00:44:19,827 --> 00:44:23,288 but a lot of the crew thought he could turn on them. 864 00:44:23,372 --> 00:44:25,374 Chuck? 865 00:44:27,835 --> 00:44:29,294 [ Slow jazz music playing ] 866 00:44:29,378 --> 00:44:33,215 JIM: Helsinki is wonderful this time of year. 867 00:44:33,298 --> 00:44:36,552 Especially the snow. 868 00:44:36,635 --> 00:44:39,012 It affords one solitude... 869 00:44:39,096 --> 00:44:41,390 even in a city full of people. 870 00:44:54,611 --> 00:44:58,574 Excuse me. Is this seat taken? 871 00:44:58,657 --> 00:45:00,117 By you. 872 00:45:04,079 --> 00:45:06,748 [ Sighs ] 873 00:45:06,832 --> 00:45:10,502 Helsinki is wonderful this time of year, isn't it? 874 00:45:10,586 --> 00:45:12,337 Yes, it is. 875 00:45:19,553 --> 00:45:22,431 Oh, I'm sorry. Um... 876 00:45:31,940 --> 00:45:33,358 Excuse me. 877 00:45:45,913 --> 00:45:49,917 Helsinki is wonderful this time of year, isn't it? 878 00:45:50,000 --> 00:45:53,337 Especially the snow. It affords one solitude... 879 00:45:53,420 --> 00:45:55,214 even in a city full of people. 880 00:45:55,297 --> 00:45:56,798 Hey... 881 00:45:59,218 --> 00:46:01,220 I'm Chuck. Ahem. 882 00:46:01,303 --> 00:46:04,097 So I gathered. 883 00:46:04,181 --> 00:46:05,724 CHUCK: And you are? 884 00:46:07,684 --> 00:46:09,353 Here you are, Chuck. 885 00:46:11,897 --> 00:46:13,899 At least give me a made-up name, 886 00:46:13,982 --> 00:46:16,568 something for me to cry out... 887 00:46:16,652 --> 00:46:19,488 during those dark nights of the soul. 888 00:46:23,033 --> 00:46:25,494 Cry out, "Olivia." 889 00:46:26,662 --> 00:46:28,914 That's "Twelfth Night." 890 00:46:28,997 --> 00:46:31,250 Very good, Chuck. 891 00:46:31,333 --> 00:46:34,253 I'm pleasantly surprised. 892 00:46:34,336 --> 00:46:37,798 You're not like the other murderers. 893 00:46:48,350 --> 00:46:50,352 [ Dramatic music playing ] 894 00:46:53,939 --> 00:46:56,024 MAN: Here. 895 00:46:56,108 --> 00:46:57,442 CHUCK: Do you have it? 896 00:46:57,526 --> 00:47:00,362 - Do you have it? - Pardon sir. 897 00:47:05,868 --> 00:47:07,286 CHUCK: Don't worry. We're not going to cheat you. 898 00:47:07,369 --> 00:47:09,288 MAN: Yeah, just the same. 899 00:47:09,371 --> 00:47:11,498 - Unh! - Sorry about your teeth. 900 00:47:11,582 --> 00:47:12,499 [ Fires with silencer ] 901 00:47:12,583 --> 00:47:14,001 [ Body falls ] 902 00:47:14,084 --> 00:47:16,086 [ Fires with silencer ] 903 00:47:26,513 --> 00:47:27,681 Chuck? 904 00:47:32,269 --> 00:47:33,854 Chuck? 905 00:47:58,253 --> 00:48:00,839 [ Music fades ] 906 00:48:00,923 --> 00:48:02,925 [ Exhaling, whistling ] 907 00:48:07,930 --> 00:48:09,765 [ Hums ] 908 00:48:09,848 --> 00:48:12,851 [ Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata" playing ] 909 00:48:16,730 --> 00:48:18,315 CHUCK: Olivia? 910 00:48:22,945 --> 00:48:26,281 It's Patricia, actually. 911 00:48:26,365 --> 00:48:28,700 PATRICIA: So, then I spent a year in Operation Chaos... 912 00:48:28,784 --> 00:48:30,661 inside the anti-war movement... 913 00:48:30,744 --> 00:48:33,997 nudging it towards violence to discredit it. 914 00:48:34,081 --> 00:48:35,249 That was fun. 915 00:48:35,332 --> 00:48:38,710 CHUCK: It sounds fun. 916 00:48:38,794 --> 00:48:43,173 So, tell me, Patricia, why did you come here tonight? 917 00:48:44,466 --> 00:48:45,884 Ahem. 918 00:48:45,968 --> 00:48:48,428 I don't know. 919 00:48:48,512 --> 00:48:52,641 You're kind of cute in a homely sort of way, and... 920 00:48:55,060 --> 00:48:57,187 It's lonely when the civilian you're fucking... 921 00:48:57,271 --> 00:48:59,898 calls out the name on your fake passport. 922 00:48:59,982 --> 00:49:02,067 CHUCK: All the information I have about myself... 923 00:49:02,151 --> 00:49:05,195 is from forged documents. 924 00:49:07,948 --> 00:49:09,366 Nabokov. 925 00:49:29,011 --> 00:49:30,012 [ Glass shatters ] 926 00:49:30,095 --> 00:49:32,097 [ Objects clatter ] 927 00:49:42,399 --> 00:49:43,692 Wait, wait. 928 00:49:43,775 --> 00:49:46,820 I got to go into the bathroom and take care of something. 929 00:49:48,614 --> 00:49:50,657 Leave the microfilm in, baby. 930 00:49:51,992 --> 00:49:53,702 [ Upbeat music playing ] 931 00:49:53,785 --> 00:49:55,329 Hoo! 932 00:49:57,789 --> 00:49:59,541 Huhh! 933 00:49:59,625 --> 00:50:00,626 Chuck! 934 00:50:00,709 --> 00:50:01,835 Hey! 935 00:50:04,296 --> 00:50:08,050 Do you know when my episode is going to air? 936 00:50:08,133 --> 00:50:11,803 OK. See you, Chuck. Bye. 937 00:50:11,887 --> 00:50:13,680 JIM: Chuck, this is Simon Oliver. 938 00:50:13,764 --> 00:50:16,475 Everything go OK? You don't look too good. 939 00:50:16,558 --> 00:50:19,853 Mr. Barris, do not ever again jeopardize one of my missions... 940 00:50:19,937 --> 00:50:22,731 by having a game show contestant standing around as a witness. 941 00:50:22,815 --> 00:50:24,733 - Is that understood? - You're welcome, pal. 942 00:50:24,817 --> 00:50:26,151 Do I make myself clear? 943 00:50:26,235 --> 00:50:28,111 Fuck you. They're my contestants. 944 00:50:28,195 --> 00:50:29,947 You are a bloody amateur. 945 00:50:30,030 --> 00:50:31,573 - You're a faggot. - Chuck. 946 00:50:31,657 --> 00:50:33,700 OLIVER: Tell me, Mr. Barris. 947 00:50:33,784 --> 00:50:35,494 Are you in possession of my microfilm? 948 00:50:35,577 --> 00:50:37,579 - Yeah, I got it. - Let's have it, then. 949 00:50:37,663 --> 00:50:40,457 It's up my ass, Oliver. Why don't you get it? 950 00:50:40,541 --> 00:50:42,292 What is this shit? 951 00:50:42,376 --> 00:50:46,046 I deserve a little appreciation for my efforts here, Jim. 952 00:50:46,129 --> 00:50:49,716 SIMON: What do you think Patricia Watson was? 953 00:50:54,263 --> 00:50:56,515 Prick. 954 00:50:56,598 --> 00:50:58,016 EUBANKS: Really? OK. 955 00:50:58,100 --> 00:51:00,102 He said he dated none of them. That's right. 956 00:51:00,185 --> 00:51:01,687 [ Applause ] 957 00:51:04,273 --> 00:51:08,110 - Sandra? - Um, six of them. 958 00:51:08,193 --> 00:51:10,571 LORETTA: Well, if it isn't the hit man. 959 00:51:10,654 --> 00:51:14,324 - What? - The hit man. 960 00:51:14,408 --> 00:51:16,577 ALL: Surprise! 961 00:51:16,660 --> 00:51:18,954 [ Cheering ] 962 00:51:19,037 --> 00:51:20,914 ABC's going to pick up "The Newlywed Game"! 963 00:51:20,998 --> 00:51:21,915 Day-time and prime-time! 964 00:51:21,999 --> 00:51:23,333 You're kidding me! Oh, my God! 965 00:51:23,417 --> 00:51:26,503 That's sensational. You mean it? Fantastic! 966 00:51:26,587 --> 00:51:28,005 Whoo! 967 00:51:28,088 --> 00:51:30,757 EUBANKS: OK, here's the last of our five-point questions. 968 00:51:30,841 --> 00:51:32,885 Girls, tell me where, specifically... 969 00:51:32,968 --> 00:51:37,222 is the weirdest place that you personally, girls... 970 00:51:37,306 --> 00:51:40,684 have ever gotten the urge to make whoopee. 971 00:51:40,767 --> 00:51:44,438 The weirdest place, Olga? 972 00:51:44,521 --> 00:51:46,231 OLGA: Um... 973 00:51:46,315 --> 00:51:48,317 [ Audience laughs ] 974 00:51:49,902 --> 00:51:51,320 EUBANKS: Yes, Olga? 975 00:51:52,863 --> 00:51:54,615 In the ass? 976 00:51:54,698 --> 00:51:56,617 [ Audience laughs ] 977 00:51:56,700 --> 00:51:59,286 No, no, no. No, the... 978 00:51:59,369 --> 00:52:00,579 HUSBAND: It's still there. 979 00:52:00,662 --> 00:52:02,080 EUBANKS: No, no. What I'm talking about... 980 00:52:02,164 --> 00:52:05,459 is the weirdest location, the weirdest place. Yeah. 981 00:52:05,542 --> 00:52:08,003 OLGA: I don't know. 982 00:52:08,086 --> 00:52:10,464 [ Audience laughing ] 983 00:52:12,591 --> 00:52:13,800 Oh! 984 00:52:14,843 --> 00:52:18,430 EUBANKS: Olga... 985 00:52:18,514 --> 00:52:20,724 Olga, the word is the location or place. 986 00:52:20,807 --> 00:52:22,059 You know what I mean? 987 00:52:22,142 --> 00:52:23,810 ESQUIVEL: # Mucha muchacha # 988 00:52:23,894 --> 00:52:26,146 # Mucha muchacha # 989 00:52:26,230 --> 00:52:28,398 # Mucha muchacha # 990 00:52:28,482 --> 00:52:30,692 # Mucha muchacha # 991 00:52:30,776 --> 00:52:32,861 # Mucha muchacha # 992 00:52:32,945 --> 00:52:35,113 # Mucha muchacha # 993 00:52:35,197 --> 00:52:37,533 # Mucha muchacha # 994 00:52:37,616 --> 00:52:40,160 # Ba ba ba ba baile # 995 00:52:49,211 --> 00:52:51,463 # Ba # 996 00:52:51,547 --> 00:52:53,715 # Ah # 997 00:52:53,799 --> 00:52:55,926 # Ah # 998 00:52:56,009 --> 00:52:58,554 # Ba ba ba ba ba-ba-ba # 999 00:52:58,637 --> 00:53:00,556 # Ra pa pa ra pa ba ra pa # 1000 00:53:00,639 --> 00:53:02,975 # Ra pa pa ra pa ba ra pa # 1001 00:53:03,058 --> 00:53:05,018 # Ra pa pa ra pa ba ra pa # 1002 00:53:05,102 --> 00:53:07,563 # Ra pa ra pa ba ra pa # 1003 00:53:07,646 --> 00:53:09,982 # Ra pa pa ra pa ba ra pa # 1004 00:53:10,065 --> 00:53:12,025 # Ra pa pa ra pa ba ra pa # 1005 00:53:12,109 --> 00:53:13,443 [ Music fades ] 1006 00:53:13,527 --> 00:53:14,987 BARRIS: I liked Penny. 1007 00:53:15,070 --> 00:53:17,573 I even loved her, in my way. 1008 00:53:17,656 --> 00:53:20,325 But the idea of tying myself down... 1009 00:53:20,409 --> 00:53:23,662 for the rest of my life... 1010 00:53:23,745 --> 00:53:26,790 I remember my parents' marriage. 1011 00:53:26,874 --> 00:53:28,667 We need a new icebox. 1012 00:53:28,750 --> 00:53:30,711 [ Radio playing faintly ] 1013 00:53:34,715 --> 00:53:37,217 [ "The Newlywed Game" theme plays ] 1014 00:53:44,600 --> 00:53:46,602 [ Applause ] 1015 00:53:52,357 --> 00:53:54,401 AUDIENCE: Ooh... 1016 00:53:56,320 --> 00:53:57,613 BARRIS: "The Newlywed Game"... 1017 00:53:57,696 --> 00:54:00,157 was based on my theory that almost any American... 1018 00:54:00,240 --> 00:54:03,202 would sell out their spouse for a washer, dryer, 1019 00:54:03,285 --> 00:54:05,579 or a lawn mower you can ride on. 1020 00:54:05,662 --> 00:54:10,125 Such was my respect for that most holy of unions. 1021 00:54:11,335 --> 00:54:13,795 - "Interpet." - Interpret. 1022 00:54:13,879 --> 00:54:17,090 Oh. Do you have an extra "R" I can borrow? 1023 00:54:17,174 --> 00:54:18,717 I'm not going to give you a letter. 1024 00:54:18,800 --> 00:54:20,802 You're lucky I don't make you forfeit a turn. 1025 00:54:20,886 --> 00:54:23,013 Oh, OK. 1026 00:54:23,096 --> 00:54:24,556 You look cute today, Pen. 1027 00:54:24,640 --> 00:54:28,227 I always look cute. Don't distract me. 1028 00:54:28,310 --> 00:54:31,230 [ Blows ] 1029 00:54:31,313 --> 00:54:32,564 What was I going to say? 1030 00:54:32,648 --> 00:54:34,983 I don't know. What were you going to say? 1031 00:54:35,067 --> 00:54:37,069 [ Music playing faintly ] 1032 00:54:39,905 --> 00:54:42,908 I think we should get married... 1033 00:54:42,991 --> 00:54:45,077 because we've known each other forever... 1034 00:54:45,160 --> 00:54:47,621 and we've fucked each other forever. 1035 00:54:47,704 --> 00:54:51,416 And you think I'm cute, you just said. 1036 00:54:51,500 --> 00:54:54,086 And you always come to me when you're in trouble... 1037 00:54:54,169 --> 00:54:56,588 and I'm nothing like your mother... 1038 00:54:56,672 --> 00:54:58,632 What does that mean? What is that? 1039 00:55:00,801 --> 00:55:03,595 I'm just kidding. 1040 00:55:03,679 --> 00:55:05,722 Don't ask me to marry you again, OK? 1041 00:55:05,806 --> 00:55:08,684 # I don't use a knife # 1042 00:55:08,767 --> 00:55:10,686 # Don't need a gun # 1043 00:55:11,937 --> 00:55:13,981 BARRIS: I couldn't breathe. 1044 00:55:14,064 --> 00:55:16,066 I was drowning. 1045 00:55:16,150 --> 00:55:19,528 And what the fuck did my mother have to do with it? 1046 00:55:19,611 --> 00:55:21,864 So I made a call. 1047 00:55:26,368 --> 00:55:28,328 [ Water running ] 1048 00:55:29,788 --> 00:55:31,790 [ Turns off water ] 1049 00:55:39,256 --> 00:55:41,258 [ Door opens, closes ] 1050 00:55:43,385 --> 00:55:45,888 JIM: Over here, strawberry dick. 1051 00:55:50,225 --> 00:55:52,186 [ Enters stall ] 1052 00:55:53,812 --> 00:55:55,189 CHUCK: How do you know those things? 1053 00:55:55,272 --> 00:55:57,691 JIM: We know what she actually thought it tasted like. 1054 00:55:57,774 --> 00:55:59,693 CHUCK: Really? I could never find that out. 1055 00:55:59,776 --> 00:56:02,946 JIM: That's on a need-to-know basis. 1056 00:56:03,030 --> 00:56:04,823 What can I do for you? 1057 00:56:04,907 --> 00:56:06,825 CHUCK: I really need something, Jim. 1058 00:56:06,909 --> 00:56:08,911 I need something for my head. 1059 00:56:13,540 --> 00:56:15,334 JIM: I got something for your head. 1060 00:56:18,504 --> 00:56:20,088 LANGE: And you're going on your date... 1061 00:56:20,172 --> 00:56:24,176 to fabulous West Berlin, Germany. 1062 00:56:24,259 --> 00:56:26,720 [ "The Dating Game" theme plays ] 1063 00:56:30,933 --> 00:56:32,893 [ Applause ] 1064 00:56:43,612 --> 00:56:45,989 [ Music fades ] 1065 00:56:46,073 --> 00:56:47,241 [ Accordion music playing ] 1066 00:56:47,324 --> 00:56:49,368 The name's Hans Colbert. 1067 00:56:49,451 --> 00:56:51,411 Other side of the wall. 1068 00:56:51,495 --> 00:56:53,539 We don't like him very much. 1069 00:56:53,622 --> 00:56:56,333 You'll be working with a kraut named Keeler. 1070 00:56:56,416 --> 00:56:58,210 He's been tailing Colbert for a month. 1071 00:56:58,293 --> 00:57:00,254 Knows the routine. Keeler's a drunk... 1072 00:57:00,337 --> 00:57:03,382 so stay sober and take charge. 1073 00:57:03,465 --> 00:57:06,260 It's done and done. 1074 00:57:06,343 --> 00:57:08,929 [ Dramatic music playing ] 1075 00:57:09,012 --> 00:57:11,515 Kill for me, baby. 1076 00:57:22,317 --> 00:57:24,903 [ Rumbling ] 1077 00:57:24,987 --> 00:57:26,989 [ Electricity crackles ] 1078 00:57:35,372 --> 00:57:37,374 [ Coughs ] 1079 00:57:50,512 --> 00:57:52,472 [ Click ] 1080 00:58:22,377 --> 00:58:24,338 [ Keeler writing ] 1081 00:58:29,092 --> 00:58:31,094 [ Writing ] 1082 00:58:43,315 --> 00:58:45,359 What are you writing, Sieg? 1083 00:58:49,363 --> 00:58:52,157 Just keeping track of anything that happens in the... 1084 00:58:52,241 --> 00:58:54,243 [ Speaking German ] 1085 00:58:59,081 --> 00:59:01,208 Ah. 1086 00:59:01,291 --> 00:59:03,293 [ Continues writing ] 1087 00:59:11,426 --> 00:59:13,387 [ Accordion music playing ] 1088 00:59:17,599 --> 00:59:18,809 MAN: Ja. 1089 00:59:18,892 --> 00:59:20,310 CHUCK: That's him. 1090 00:59:22,688 --> 00:59:24,815 Too many people. 1091 00:59:28,527 --> 00:59:30,529 [ Laughing ] 1092 00:59:33,490 --> 00:59:35,492 [ Music stops ] 1093 00:59:39,663 --> 00:59:41,832 [ Keeler whistles faintly ] 1094 00:59:49,006 --> 00:59:51,758 Chuck. Chuck. 1095 00:59:51,842 --> 00:59:54,887 - All right. - Take the camera. 1096 00:59:54,970 --> 00:59:56,805 What is this? 1097 00:59:56,889 --> 00:59:58,098 Aah! 1098 00:59:59,183 --> 01:00:00,309 What the... 1099 01:00:03,896 --> 01:00:06,440 [ Muffled yells ] 1100 01:00:06,523 --> 01:00:09,067 - Take a picture. - Take a what? 1101 01:00:09,151 --> 01:00:10,319 Take a picture. 1102 01:00:12,362 --> 01:00:15,073 Picture. Come on. 1103 01:00:15,157 --> 01:00:16,825 Take a picture. 1104 01:00:20,954 --> 01:00:23,123 Danke schon. 1105 01:01:42,953 --> 01:01:46,331 He would disappear for a week or so at a time... 1106 01:01:46,415 --> 01:01:48,333 and his secretary would just say he's out of town. 1107 01:01:48,417 --> 01:01:50,335 We didn't know where he went, so... 1108 01:01:50,419 --> 01:01:52,838 I don't know whether it's true or not. 1109 01:01:52,921 --> 01:01:54,715 I... I couldn't say. 1110 01:02:13,358 --> 01:02:15,944 BARRIS: The only reason the KGB didn't kill me... 1111 01:02:16,028 --> 01:02:17,696 was they needed me... 1112 01:02:17,779 --> 01:02:20,324 to trade for one of their Russian agents. 1113 01:02:32,836 --> 01:02:35,756 I promised myself if I got out of this... 1114 01:02:35,839 --> 01:02:38,300 I'd live my life differently. 1115 01:02:38,383 --> 01:02:42,471 I'd throw myself into work, into life. 1116 01:02:42,554 --> 01:02:47,351 Penny. I needed to see Penny again. 1117 01:02:47,434 --> 01:02:50,687 And tell Byrd I'm out... for good. 1118 01:02:52,731 --> 01:02:56,360 If I could just make it past this one last man... 1119 01:02:56,443 --> 01:03:00,280 this one... last... 1120 01:03:18,090 --> 01:03:20,509 I don't know what was worse... 1121 01:03:20,592 --> 01:03:24,972 that I was duped by that fat fucking bachelor... 1122 01:03:25,055 --> 01:03:28,642 or that it took seven of us to replace him. 1123 01:03:28,725 --> 01:03:30,727 [ Goat bleating ] 1124 01:03:36,066 --> 01:03:37,651 You're still in one piece? 1125 01:03:37,734 --> 01:03:39,444 CHUCK: Where the fuck you been? 1126 01:03:39,528 --> 01:03:40,779 Did you have a nice flight? 1127 01:03:40,863 --> 01:03:43,615 Fuck you! Where you been? I got one contact, Jim... 1128 01:03:43,699 --> 01:03:45,617 and it's you, and if you disappear, I got no one. 1129 01:03:45,701 --> 01:03:46,702 You understand? 1130 01:03:46,785 --> 01:03:48,203 [ Loud music ] 1131 01:03:48,287 --> 01:03:51,206 # I tip my hat to the new constitution # 1132 01:03:51,290 --> 01:03:54,710 # Take a bow for a new revolution # 1133 01:03:54,793 --> 01:03:58,130 # Smile and grin at the change all around me # 1134 01:03:58,213 --> 01:04:01,800 # Pick up my guitar and play # 1135 01:04:01,884 --> 01:04:05,095 # Just like yesterday # 1136 01:04:05,179 --> 01:04:08,807 # Then I get on my knees and pray # 1137 01:04:12,352 --> 01:04:15,522 # We don't get fooled again # 1138 01:04:15,606 --> 01:04:17,065 # No, no # 1139 01:04:19,735 --> 01:04:22,112 # If I had a hammer # 1140 01:04:22,196 --> 01:04:25,407 # I'd a-hammer in the morning # 1141 01:04:25,491 --> 01:04:27,618 # I'd a-hammer in the evening # 1142 01:04:27,701 --> 01:04:31,288 - She's good, huh? - She's very good. Very good. 1143 01:04:31,371 --> 01:04:32,748 That's great. 1144 01:04:32,831 --> 01:04:34,208 That's fine. Thank you so much. 1145 01:04:34,291 --> 01:04:36,001 But I can sing the whole song. 1146 01:04:36,084 --> 01:04:37,461 That was wonderful. Great. 1147 01:04:37,544 --> 01:04:39,296 That was enough. That was fine. 1148 01:04:39,379 --> 01:04:42,174 All right. Bring in the next thing. 1149 01:04:42,257 --> 01:04:44,468 Christ, there's gotta be somebody in America... 1150 01:04:44,551 --> 01:04:47,471 with some talent. Hi! 1151 01:04:47,554 --> 01:04:51,183 FEMALE EXECUTIVE: Now. I saw her in a little club. 1152 01:04:51,266 --> 01:04:52,976 You're gonna love her. 1153 01:04:53,060 --> 01:04:54,812 [ Playing guitar ] 1154 01:04:57,272 --> 01:05:00,150 [ Singing atonally ] # If I had a hammer # 1155 01:05:00,234 --> 01:05:03,529 # I'd hammer in the morning # 1156 01:05:03,612 --> 01:05:06,824 # I'd hammer in the evening # 1157 01:05:06,907 --> 01:05:09,910 # All over this land # 1158 01:05:09,993 --> 01:05:13,622 # I'd hammer out danger # 1159 01:05:13,705 --> 01:05:16,583 # I'd hammer out a warning # 1160 01:05:16,667 --> 01:05:20,045 # I'd hammer out love between # 1161 01:05:20,128 --> 01:05:22,589 # My brothers and my sisters # 1162 01:05:22,673 --> 01:05:26,260 # All over this land # 1163 01:05:26,343 --> 01:05:27,803 [ Gunshot ] 1164 01:05:28,804 --> 01:05:31,306 [ Bell tolls ] 1165 01:05:31,390 --> 01:05:34,393 # All over this land # 1166 01:05:34,476 --> 01:05:37,104 [ Gong clangs ] 1167 01:05:37,187 --> 01:05:38,438 # If I were a... # 1168 01:05:38,522 --> 01:05:42,025 - Oh, no, thank you. - That's great. Fantastic! 1169 01:05:44,528 --> 01:05:47,114 That was great. We'll be in touch. 1170 01:05:47,197 --> 01:05:48,448 Thank you. Thank you. 1171 01:05:48,532 --> 01:05:50,492 We've been going about this all wrong. 1172 01:05:50,576 --> 01:05:52,619 Rather than killing ourselves trying to find good acts... 1173 01:05:52,703 --> 01:05:54,621 we just put bad ones and kill them! 1174 01:05:54,705 --> 01:05:56,415 Chuck, honestly, this... and I know you like them... 1175 01:05:56,498 --> 01:05:57,624 this is torture. 1176 01:05:57,708 --> 01:06:00,085 No, no, no. We kill 'em before they're through. 1177 01:06:00,169 --> 01:06:02,087 As soon as it gets unbearable... 1178 01:06:02,171 --> 01:06:03,630 we kill 'em... dead! 1179 01:06:05,174 --> 01:06:06,758 [ "The Gong Show" theme plays ] 1180 01:06:06,842 --> 01:06:09,469 Ladies and gentlemen, this act... 1181 01:06:09,553 --> 01:06:12,764 Ah! Oh, this is so good! I love this, man. 1182 01:06:12,848 --> 01:06:16,435 This next act answers the age-old question: 1183 01:06:16,518 --> 01:06:20,105 If you wear a cellophane... if you... 1184 01:06:20,189 --> 01:06:21,273 Whish! OK. 1185 01:06:21,356 --> 01:06:22,608 [ Audience laughs ] 1186 01:06:22,691 --> 01:06:26,570 If you wear... ha ha... a cellophane suit... 1187 01:06:26,653 --> 01:06:30,115 can people clearly see you're nuts? 1188 01:06:30,199 --> 01:06:33,118 I don't know. A little humor, folks. 1189 01:06:33,202 --> 01:06:35,746 All the way from Pacoima... 1190 01:06:35,829 --> 01:06:37,789 Mick Donnelly! 1191 01:06:37,873 --> 01:06:39,625 [ Cheers and applause ] 1192 01:06:39,708 --> 01:06:42,211 [ Music plays ] 1193 01:06:42,294 --> 01:06:45,797 [ Off-key ] # Raindrops keep falling on my head # 1194 01:06:45,881 --> 01:06:47,382 # Just like the guy # 1195 01:06:47,466 --> 01:06:50,552 # Whose feet are too big for his bed # 1196 01:06:50,636 --> 01:06:53,180 # Nothin' seems to fit those # 1197 01:06:53,263 --> 01:06:55,182 # Raindrops are fallin' on my head # 1198 01:06:55,265 --> 01:06:57,476 # They keep fallin' # 1199 01:06:57,559 --> 01:07:02,147 # So I just did me some talkin' to the sun # 1200 01:07:02,231 --> 01:07:04,191 # And I said I didn't like # 1201 01:07:04,274 --> 01:07:06,693 # The way he got things done # 1202 01:07:06,777 --> 01:07:09,863 # Sleepin' on the job, those... # 1203 01:07:09,947 --> 01:07:12,574 BARRIS: Who could have known there were so many Americans... 1204 01:07:12,658 --> 01:07:15,661 just waiting for the opportunity to get on TV... 1205 01:07:15,744 --> 01:07:18,580 and make an ass out of themselves? 1206 01:07:18,664 --> 01:07:20,249 # Raindrops keep fallin' on my head # 1207 01:07:20,332 --> 01:07:22,251 # But that doesn't mean my eyes # 1208 01:07:22,334 --> 01:07:24,169 # Will soon be turnin' red # 1209 01:07:24,253 --> 01:07:25,712 [ Audience booing ] 1210 01:07:25,796 --> 01:07:27,589 # Cryin's not for me, 'cause # 1211 01:07:27,673 --> 01:07:31,760 # I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin' # 1212 01:07:31,844 --> 01:07:33,512 # Because I'm... # 1213 01:07:33,595 --> 01:07:36,056 [ Gong ] 1214 01:07:36,140 --> 01:07:40,769 We'll be back with more stuff... 1215 01:07:40,853 --> 01:07:42,896 right after this message. 1216 01:07:46,441 --> 01:07:48,485 You know what the sad part about it is... 1217 01:07:48,569 --> 01:07:49,987 Barris has a reputation... 1218 01:07:50,070 --> 01:07:51,989 for lowering the bar of television... 1219 01:07:52,072 --> 01:07:53,949 and the standards and all... 1220 01:07:54,032 --> 01:07:56,285 but he had a great feel for what people wanted... 1221 01:07:56,368 --> 01:07:58,537 and he couldn't take the criticism. 1222 01:07:58,620 --> 01:08:02,166 BARRIS: Things started to evolve pretty quickly. 1223 01:08:02,249 --> 01:08:04,543 The show was gaining momentum... 1224 01:08:04,626 --> 01:08:08,505 and I was becoming the one thing I didn't expect... 1225 01:08:08,589 --> 01:08:10,090 famous. 1226 01:08:10,174 --> 01:08:12,759 - You're Chuck Barris, right? - Yeah. 1227 01:08:12,843 --> 01:08:14,720 "The Gong Show." I love that show. 1228 01:08:14,803 --> 01:08:16,305 Thanks. 1229 01:09:16,573 --> 01:09:17,783 WOMAN: Hi. 1230 01:09:17,866 --> 01:09:19,368 Hi. 1231 01:09:19,451 --> 01:09:22,037 I thought that was you. 1232 01:09:22,120 --> 01:09:24,957 Yeah... it's me. 1233 01:09:25,040 --> 01:09:27,292 [ Woman laughs ] 1234 01:09:27,376 --> 01:09:30,796 Well, I'm glad to meet you. I've seen "The Gong Show." 1235 01:09:30,879 --> 01:09:32,756 Oh. Yeah, well... 1236 01:09:34,049 --> 01:09:36,301 I think you're the most insidious, despicable force... 1237 01:09:36,385 --> 01:09:38,053 in entertainment today. 1238 01:09:40,430 --> 01:09:42,808 How dare you subject the rest of the world... 1239 01:09:42,891 --> 01:09:45,477 to your loathsome views of humanity? 1240 01:09:45,561 --> 01:09:47,396 Yeah... I don't think it's that loathsome. 1241 01:09:47,479 --> 01:09:49,439 What is it, then? 1242 01:09:49,523 --> 01:09:51,108 To mock some poor lonely people... 1243 01:09:51,191 --> 01:09:53,944 who are just craving a little attention in their lives... 1244 01:09:54,027 --> 01:09:55,821 to destroy them? 1245 01:09:55,904 --> 01:09:58,031 I mean, they're still people. 1246 01:09:58,115 --> 01:10:01,076 They still deserve a little respect and compassion. 1247 01:10:02,953 --> 01:10:04,496 Who the hell are you... 1248 01:10:04,580 --> 01:10:06,415 and what the fuck have you ever done... 1249 01:10:06,498 --> 01:10:09,126 to elevate yourself among the pathetic masses? 1250 01:10:10,711 --> 01:10:13,505 Oh, that's right. You created "The Dating Game." 1251 01:10:13,589 --> 01:10:14,965 Wow. 1252 01:10:16,592 --> 01:10:19,178 That's right up there with the Sistine Chapel. 1253 01:10:19,261 --> 01:10:20,721 [ Drink spills ] 1254 01:10:23,432 --> 01:10:25,642 Ladies and gentlemen... 1255 01:10:25,726 --> 01:10:28,145 it wouldn't surprise me to see this next act... 1256 01:10:28,228 --> 01:10:29,480 [ Upbeat music begins ] 1257 01:10:29,563 --> 01:10:30,981 MAN: Whoo! 1258 01:10:31,064 --> 01:10:32,816 That means... 1259 01:10:32,900 --> 01:10:37,529 it's Gene Gene, the Dancing Machine... 1260 01:10:37,613 --> 01:10:40,699 and just in time! 1261 01:10:40,782 --> 01:10:42,868 [ Gene's dancing music plays ] 1262 01:11:03,639 --> 01:11:05,057 FEMALE CRITIC: He represents more... 1263 01:11:05,140 --> 01:11:07,226 than just the decline of quality television. 1264 01:11:07,309 --> 01:11:09,812 In my opinion, Chuck Barris will do more harm... 1265 01:11:09,895 --> 01:11:12,898 to our society than people seem to realize. 1266 01:11:12,981 --> 01:11:14,691 LORETTA: Line one's for you, Chuck. 1267 01:11:14,775 --> 01:11:16,443 - Who is it? - Some guy. 1268 01:11:16,527 --> 01:11:19,488 He says he's a friend of yours from Berlin. 1269 01:11:34,169 --> 01:11:35,254 Hello. 1270 01:11:35,337 --> 01:11:37,130 Very gutsy, my neighbor. 1271 01:11:37,214 --> 01:11:40,300 I guess you heard about Oliver. 1272 01:11:40,384 --> 01:11:42,135 Someone changed sides. 1273 01:11:42,219 --> 01:11:44,012 [ Car door opens, street noises ] 1274 01:11:44,096 --> 01:11:45,347 What was so urgent? 1275 01:11:45,430 --> 01:11:46,890 [ Car door closes ] 1276 01:11:48,058 --> 01:11:49,810 [ Street noises ] 1277 01:11:49,893 --> 01:11:51,937 KEELER: I was wondering, you wanna grab a bite? 1278 01:11:52,020 --> 01:11:53,647 I'm in town for a day. 1279 01:11:53,730 --> 01:11:56,191 BARRIS: Now, assassins don't fraternize. 1280 01:11:56,275 --> 01:11:57,985 That Keeler was calling me... 1281 01:11:58,068 --> 01:11:59,987 could mean it was my turn to get hit. 1282 01:12:00,070 --> 01:12:04,241 I would take him somewhere where I knew I would be safe. 1283 01:12:06,410 --> 01:12:07,995 How's show biz? 1284 01:12:08,078 --> 01:12:09,830 Well, it's hit and miss. 1285 01:12:09,913 --> 01:12:12,791 I got a new show called "Operation: Entertainment"... 1286 01:12:12,875 --> 01:12:15,294 which I believe is really, really gonna kill. 1287 01:12:15,377 --> 01:12:18,130 It's sort of a Bob Hope visiting the troops thing... 1288 01:12:18,213 --> 01:12:19,631 but it's weekly. 1289 01:12:19,715 --> 01:12:21,800 Instead of Bob Hope, it's like Flip Wilson... 1290 01:12:21,884 --> 01:12:24,136 Chuck. Tch. 1291 01:12:24,219 --> 01:12:26,805 Why do you do what you do? 1292 01:12:26,889 --> 01:12:28,015 Hmm? 1293 01:12:28,098 --> 01:12:32,686 I like to think that I bring joy and laughter... 1294 01:12:32,769 --> 01:12:34,313 to millions of people. 1295 01:12:34,396 --> 01:12:36,315 It's a very important thing, I think... 1296 01:12:36,398 --> 01:12:37,649 in these difficult times. 1297 01:12:37,733 --> 01:12:40,819 I'm not saying the show is as good as it can be yet... 1298 01:12:40,903 --> 01:12:41,987 but, uh... 1299 01:12:42,070 --> 01:12:43,655 KEELER: No, no. 1300 01:12:43,739 --> 01:12:47,075 Why do we do what we do? 1301 01:12:48,619 --> 01:12:50,913 Hmm? [ Laughs ] Come on. 1302 01:12:52,164 --> 01:12:55,542 I got my feet wet in World War II. 1303 01:12:55,626 --> 01:12:58,629 Germany. 1304 01:12:58,712 --> 01:13:02,841 The pleasure of killing was exhilarating. 1305 01:13:02,925 --> 01:13:05,135 Later in life, I... 1306 01:13:05,219 --> 01:13:09,848 couldn't find a place to fill that void... 1307 01:13:09,932 --> 01:13:13,268 to get that same rush of energy. 1308 01:13:13,352 --> 01:13:15,687 So I started up my own business. 1309 01:13:15,771 --> 01:13:19,107 MAN: Gentlemen, are you ready to order? 1310 01:13:19,191 --> 01:13:21,527 I'll have a green salad, no dressing. 1311 01:13:21,610 --> 01:13:23,070 And for you, sir? 1312 01:13:23,153 --> 01:13:25,155 Can I get a steak? Rare. 1313 01:13:25,239 --> 01:13:26,573 Thank you. 1314 01:13:29,076 --> 01:13:31,370 Let me read you something. 1315 01:13:32,454 --> 01:13:35,791 "Whatsoever your hand finds to do... 1316 01:13:35,874 --> 01:13:37,835 "do it gladly... 1317 01:13:37,918 --> 01:13:41,839 "because there is no work, love, knowledge... 1318 01:13:41,922 --> 01:13:43,966 "or wisdom in the grave." 1319 01:13:44,049 --> 01:13:46,176 Who is that, Carlyle? 1320 01:13:46,260 --> 01:13:50,556 No, it's the Old Testament. 1321 01:13:52,307 --> 01:13:53,725 It's God. 1322 01:13:53,809 --> 01:13:55,978 It's amazing you should quote him. 1323 01:13:56,061 --> 01:13:57,521 He's my hero. 1324 01:13:57,604 --> 01:13:59,898 [ Both laugh ] 1325 01:14:01,900 --> 01:14:07,406 Killing my first man... 1326 01:14:07,489 --> 01:14:10,826 was like making love to my first woman. 1327 01:14:12,327 --> 01:14:16,665 I remember every little detail... 1328 01:14:16,748 --> 01:14:19,334 the smell of his hair... 1329 01:14:19,418 --> 01:14:21,920 ice on the window... 1330 01:14:22,004 --> 01:14:24,006 wallpaper. 1331 01:14:25,632 --> 01:14:29,094 It's like entering a different time zone. 1332 01:14:29,178 --> 01:14:32,264 You're becoming an outsider... 1333 01:14:32,347 --> 01:14:34,766 isolating yourself. 1334 01:14:34,850 --> 01:14:37,352 You're condemned. 1335 01:14:38,604 --> 01:14:39,897 CHUCK: Condemned? 1336 01:14:39,980 --> 01:14:42,941 KEELER: You have become... 1337 01:14:43,025 --> 01:14:46,945 their sadness, and... 1338 01:14:47,029 --> 01:14:49,656 live in a different state of mind. 1339 01:14:54,286 --> 01:14:56,455 Ladies and gentlemen... 1340 01:14:56,538 --> 01:14:58,874 the host of "The Gong Show"... 1341 01:14:58,957 --> 01:15:00,292 [ Chuckles ] 1342 01:15:00,375 --> 01:15:01,627 Chuck Barris. 1343 01:15:01,710 --> 01:15:04,046 It's good to see you, Sieg. 1344 01:15:04,129 --> 01:15:06,840 KEELER: Yeah. It'll be all right. 1345 01:15:08,550 --> 01:15:09,843 It'll be all right. 1346 01:15:09,927 --> 01:15:11,553 WOMAN: # Happy birthday # 1347 01:15:11,637 --> 01:15:12,930 KEELER: I think. 1348 01:15:13,013 --> 01:15:14,765 # To you # 1349 01:15:14,848 --> 01:15:17,184 # Happy birthday # 1350 01:15:17,267 --> 01:15:20,229 # Dear Chuckie # 1351 01:15:20,312 --> 01:15:22,689 # Happy birthday # 1352 01:15:22,773 --> 01:15:24,983 # To you # 1353 01:15:30,823 --> 01:15:33,200 Is that right? 1354 01:15:33,283 --> 01:15:36,829 Yeah. That's real good. 1355 01:15:36,912 --> 01:15:38,664 That's real good. 1356 01:15:38,747 --> 01:15:42,417 So what's wrong, Chuck? Are you OK? 1357 01:15:42,501 --> 01:15:44,545 Yeah, I'm OK. 1358 01:15:44,628 --> 01:15:48,966 A guy I know killed himself last night. 1359 01:15:58,976 --> 01:16:01,103 A guy I know killed himself. 1360 01:16:08,360 --> 01:16:11,155 - Who was he? - You don't know him. 1361 01:16:11,238 --> 01:16:13,949 He's a stagehand. 1362 01:16:15,993 --> 01:16:17,578 Why did he do it? 1363 01:16:20,372 --> 01:16:22,916 He didn't like his work anymore. 1364 01:16:23,000 --> 01:16:25,085 - Thanks. - Thanks. 1365 01:16:25,169 --> 01:16:27,713 Is being a stagehand really, really bad? 1366 01:16:27,796 --> 01:16:29,882 Yeah, it's pretty bad. 1367 01:16:45,189 --> 01:16:46,398 Hello? 1368 01:16:46,482 --> 01:16:49,735 You were supposed to meet me at the Palm two hours ago. 1369 01:16:49,818 --> 01:16:51,945 - Oh, fuck, I forgot. - You forgot. Really? 1370 01:16:52,029 --> 01:16:54,781 - Keeler's dead. Did you know? - Yeah, I heard. 1371 01:16:54,865 --> 01:16:57,618 - What did you hear? - I heard he took himself out. 1372 01:16:57,701 --> 01:16:59,578 Is that right? Did Byrd tell you that? 1373 01:16:59,661 --> 01:17:02,289 He said he was depressed. I was gonna tell you, but... Hey! 1374 01:17:02,372 --> 01:17:03,582 Who is this? 1375 01:17:03,665 --> 01:17:05,292 I don't get stood up. Do you understand? 1376 01:17:05,375 --> 01:17:06,418 Fun! Excuse me. 1377 01:17:06,502 --> 01:17:07,920 [ Both laugh ] 1378 01:17:08,003 --> 01:17:12,508 So glad... Penny. Patricia. How'd you find me? 1379 01:17:12,591 --> 01:17:15,344 Are you serious? This is what I do for a living. 1380 01:17:15,427 --> 01:17:16,929 What does she mean? 1381 01:17:17,012 --> 01:17:18,764 You're dead in my book, strawberry dick. 1382 01:17:18,847 --> 01:17:21,892 - Strawberry dick? - I'll see you around. 1383 01:17:21,975 --> 01:17:25,437 Nice to meet you, Penny. I've heard a lot about you. 1384 01:17:25,521 --> 01:17:28,607 Why don't you stay for a cocktail? 1385 01:17:28,690 --> 01:17:29,900 Penny... 1386 01:17:29,983 --> 01:17:33,445 And... and... you know, man... 1387 01:17:33,529 --> 01:17:37,282 I'm giving you one more chance. Get it? 1388 01:17:37,366 --> 01:17:40,118 [ Sighs ] Fuck. 1389 01:17:40,202 --> 01:17:41,453 [ Audience applauds ] 1390 01:17:41,537 --> 01:17:42,830 MAN: Thank you. ladies and gentlemen. 1391 01:17:42,913 --> 01:17:45,332 [ Plays intro to "Fools Rush In" ] 1392 01:17:48,919 --> 01:17:56,301 [ Off-key ] # Wise men say # 1393 01:17:56,385 --> 01:17:59,138 # Only fools # 1394 01:17:59,221 --> 01:18:04,852 # Rush in # 1395 01:18:04,935 --> 01:18:10,983 # But I can't help # 1396 01:18:11,066 --> 01:18:14,903 # Falling in love # 1397 01:18:14,987 --> 01:18:21,410 # With you # 1398 01:18:21,493 --> 01:18:28,667 # Take my hand # 1399 01:18:28,750 --> 01:18:33,172 # Take my whole life # 1400 01:18:33,255 --> 01:18:37,259 # Too # 1401 01:18:37,342 --> 01:18:43,348 # For I can't help # 1402 01:18:43,432 --> 01:18:47,561 # Falling in love # 1403 01:18:47,644 --> 01:18:53,150 # With you # 1404 01:18:53,233 --> 01:18:59,448 # For I can't help # 1405 01:18:59,531 --> 01:19:04,286 # Falling in love # 1406 01:19:04,369 --> 01:19:08,123 # With # 1407 01:19:08,207 --> 01:19:13,545 # You # 1408 01:19:13,629 --> 01:19:14,796 [ Weak applause ] 1409 01:19:14,880 --> 01:19:16,340 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. 1410 01:19:19,468 --> 01:19:21,970 LORETTA, OVER INTERCOM: Line one for you, Chuck. 1411 01:19:23,472 --> 01:19:25,599 Thanks. 1412 01:19:25,682 --> 01:19:26,892 Yeah? 1413 01:19:26,975 --> 01:19:28,560 JIM: Keeler didn't kill himself. 1414 01:19:28,644 --> 01:19:30,604 He was murdered. Watch your back. 1415 01:19:30,687 --> 01:19:32,898 [ Hangs up ] 1416 01:19:32,981 --> 01:19:35,943 You can come in now, Mr. Flexner. 1417 01:19:36,026 --> 01:19:36,944 Chuck! 1418 01:19:37,027 --> 01:19:38,403 [ Chuck hangs up phone ] 1419 01:19:38,487 --> 01:19:42,241 - Great to see ya. - What's up, Rod? 1420 01:19:42,324 --> 01:19:43,742 [ Chuckles ] 1421 01:19:43,826 --> 01:19:47,246 Well... Chuck, may I sit? 1422 01:19:47,329 --> 01:19:48,956 Hey, how's that redhead? 1423 01:19:49,039 --> 01:19:52,584 She's good, you know. Keeps... 1424 01:19:52,668 --> 01:19:55,504 Well, Chuck, the thing is, we have to talk. 1425 01:19:55,587 --> 01:19:57,339 What's up, Rod? 1426 01:19:57,422 --> 01:19:59,758 Well, the thing is... 1427 01:19:59,842 --> 01:20:02,761 some of your old shows aren't doing so well... 1428 01:20:02,845 --> 01:20:06,932 in the old ratings war. Ha ha ha! 1429 01:20:07,015 --> 01:20:11,061 So... I've been put in the unfortunate position... 1430 01:20:11,145 --> 01:20:12,938 of having to inform you... 1431 01:20:13,021 --> 01:20:16,316 that the network is canceling these shows. 1432 01:20:19,611 --> 01:20:21,280 Now, don't shoot me, Chuck. 1433 01:20:22,698 --> 01:20:24,825 I'm just the messenger. 1434 01:20:31,039 --> 01:20:32,166 Psshh. 1435 01:20:35,252 --> 01:20:38,422 Aargh! [ Chuckles ] 1436 01:20:38,505 --> 01:20:39,965 [ Sighs ] 1437 01:20:40,048 --> 01:20:44,052 This really is the hardest part of the job for me. 1438 01:20:45,679 --> 01:20:47,306 CHUCK: They killed my babies... 1439 01:20:47,389 --> 01:20:48,557 just like that. 1440 01:20:48,640 --> 01:20:50,434 I pushed them into the world... 1441 01:20:50,517 --> 01:20:53,812 through the birth canal of my imagination... 1442 01:20:53,896 --> 01:20:56,690 lovingly... tenderly. 1443 01:20:56,773 --> 01:21:00,652 Where's the humanity of these people? Huh? 1444 01:21:00,736 --> 01:21:03,322 - Fuck 'em. - Fuck 'em. 1445 01:21:03,405 --> 01:21:05,324 They're fucking bastards anyway. 1446 01:21:05,407 --> 01:21:08,160 Yeah. What am I gonna do now? 1447 01:21:10,245 --> 01:21:12,206 WOMAN: Oh, baby. 1448 01:21:12,289 --> 01:21:15,876 Oh, yeah. Feels so good. 1449 01:21:30,432 --> 01:21:33,977 [ Woman moans softly ] 1450 01:21:37,439 --> 01:21:38,857 Chuck? 1451 01:21:42,903 --> 01:21:44,029 PENNY: Chuck? 1452 01:21:44,112 --> 01:21:45,531 Fuck! Fuck! 1453 01:21:45,614 --> 01:21:48,075 Penny, fuck! 1454 01:22:04,258 --> 01:22:07,052 I came here to tell you I sold a painting. 1455 01:22:07,136 --> 01:22:09,096 That's great. 1456 01:22:11,515 --> 01:22:13,559 What's she doing here? 1457 01:22:13,642 --> 01:22:15,352 CHUCK: She's, uh... 1458 01:22:17,187 --> 01:22:20,440 PENNY: This is our house. 1459 01:22:20,524 --> 01:22:25,112 It's one thing to go elsewhere for your pussy needs. 1460 01:22:25,195 --> 01:22:27,823 But this is our house. 1461 01:22:27,906 --> 01:22:29,449 It's my house, Pen. 1462 01:22:29,533 --> 01:22:31,076 It's our house. 1463 01:22:33,453 --> 01:22:36,290 I found it with you. I decorated it with you. 1464 01:22:36,373 --> 01:22:38,667 I spent six fucking months... 1465 01:22:38,750 --> 01:22:41,670 waiting for the fucking plumber to fucking come. 1466 01:22:47,509 --> 01:22:49,219 CHUCK: I'm sorry. 1467 01:22:51,889 --> 01:22:54,224 You're such an asshole. 1468 01:23:10,532 --> 01:23:11,867 [ Starts engine ] 1469 01:23:38,644 --> 01:23:41,814 No, I'm not saying that. That's not what I'm saying. 1470 01:23:41,897 --> 01:23:43,816 PENNY: Then what are you saying, Chuck? 1471 01:23:43,899 --> 01:23:45,359 [ Sniffles ] 1472 01:23:46,401 --> 01:23:49,363 [ Crying ] Do you want me around or not? 1473 01:23:49,446 --> 01:23:51,824 Do you even like me? 1474 01:23:51,907 --> 01:23:53,826 Of course I like you. 1475 01:23:53,909 --> 01:23:55,327 Penny... 1476 01:23:55,410 --> 01:23:57,996 - How much? - What? 1477 01:23:58,080 --> 01:24:01,500 I need to know how much you like me. 1478 01:24:01,583 --> 01:24:03,961 I don't know what that means. 1479 01:24:04,044 --> 01:24:08,340 How much? How can I rate a person in that way? 1480 01:24:08,423 --> 01:24:10,843 You could if you felt it. 1481 01:24:10,926 --> 01:24:13,011 If you felt it, it would be easy. 1482 01:24:13,095 --> 01:24:14,763 You would just... 1483 01:24:14,847 --> 01:24:16,265 [ Exhales ] 1484 01:24:16,348 --> 01:24:19,935 spread your arms as wide as they would go... 1485 01:24:20,018 --> 01:24:22,479 and say, "This much, Penny." 1486 01:24:31,780 --> 01:24:33,949 [ Whispering ] Everything... 1487 01:24:34,032 --> 01:24:36,201 Everything's complicated, Pen. 1488 01:24:36,285 --> 01:24:39,413 You know, nothing's black and white like that. 1489 01:24:46,003 --> 01:24:47,880 Do you want me around or not? 1490 01:24:47,963 --> 01:24:51,341 Because if you don't, it's OK. Just tell me. 1491 01:24:51,425 --> 01:24:52,885 Hey, hey... 1492 01:24:56,054 --> 01:25:00,184 I love you, Penny, in my way. 1493 01:25:05,647 --> 01:25:10,152 Maybe not in that crazy head-over-heels thing... 1494 01:25:10,235 --> 01:25:12,488 but what is that anyway? 1495 01:25:12,571 --> 01:25:15,407 Romantic love... 1496 01:25:15,491 --> 01:25:18,202 isn't that just an illusion? 1497 01:25:21,830 --> 01:25:24,917 You just said you loved me, right? 1498 01:25:27,336 --> 01:25:28,378 [ Sniffles ] 1499 01:25:39,598 --> 01:25:42,601 [ Music fades in ] 1500 01:25:42,684 --> 01:25:45,854 # Just like yesterday # 1501 01:25:45,938 --> 01:25:50,067 # And I'll get on my knees and pray # 1502 01:25:53,487 --> 01:25:54,446 # We don't... # 1503 01:25:54,530 --> 01:25:55,656 [ Turns off music ] 1504 01:26:08,794 --> 01:26:10,128 JIM: Hi, Chuck. 1505 01:26:10,212 --> 01:26:12,089 Hey, Jim, what do you want? 1506 01:26:12,172 --> 01:26:14,258 - How's work? - Great. 1507 01:26:14,341 --> 01:26:15,926 Any new game show ideas? 1508 01:26:16,009 --> 01:26:18,554 Dozens. Why are you here, Jim? 1509 01:26:18,637 --> 01:26:22,558 We need you to find the mole and take him out. 1510 01:26:26,603 --> 01:26:28,021 Yeah. 1511 01:26:28,105 --> 01:26:30,315 [ Laughs ] 1512 01:26:30,399 --> 01:26:33,777 Yeah... I'm done killing people. 1513 01:26:33,861 --> 01:26:36,280 I just want to entertain people. 1514 01:26:36,363 --> 01:26:37,990 I'm out. 1515 01:26:39,241 --> 01:26:41,118 No, you're not. 1516 01:26:45,831 --> 01:26:47,791 Hey, I got an idea. 1517 01:26:47,875 --> 01:26:50,460 If you want him so bad... 1518 01:26:50,544 --> 01:26:52,296 why don't you do it? 1519 01:26:52,379 --> 01:26:54,298 Why don't you kill the mole? 1520 01:26:54,381 --> 01:26:56,592 Any problem with killing, Jim? 1521 01:26:58,093 --> 01:27:00,846 I just don't fit the profile. 1522 01:27:00,929 --> 01:27:03,682 What fucking profile? There is no fucking profile. 1523 01:27:03,765 --> 01:27:04,850 OK. There's no profile. 1524 01:27:04,933 --> 01:27:07,603 - There's no profile. - OK. 1525 01:27:11,023 --> 01:27:13,108 You had a twin sister, stillborn... 1526 01:27:13,192 --> 01:27:15,235 strangled by your umbilical cord. 1527 01:27:15,319 --> 01:27:17,863 Your first hit. 1528 01:27:17,946 --> 01:27:19,740 Your mother always wanted a daughter. 1529 01:27:19,823 --> 01:27:21,825 She blamed you for your sister's death... 1530 01:27:21,909 --> 01:27:23,535 so until your sister Phoebe was born... 1531 01:27:23,619 --> 01:27:25,954 she raised you as a girl. 1532 01:27:26,038 --> 01:27:27,414 What else? 1533 01:27:27,498 --> 01:27:30,125 Your father, the dentist. 1534 01:27:30,209 --> 01:27:33,545 Not really your father. 1535 01:27:33,629 --> 01:27:37,257 Your real father was a man named Edmond James Windsor. 1536 01:27:37,341 --> 01:27:39,426 Among other things, he was a serial killer... 1537 01:27:39,510 --> 01:27:41,345 a fact your mother didn't know... 1538 01:27:41,428 --> 01:27:44,264 when she had an affair with him in 1928. 1539 01:27:44,348 --> 01:27:46,600 - That's ridiculous. - Is it? 1540 01:27:46,683 --> 01:27:48,268 That's insane. 1541 01:27:48,352 --> 01:27:51,647 Windsor died in the electric chair in 1939. 1542 01:27:53,232 --> 01:27:55,818 I'm trying to think of what more I can tell you... 1543 01:27:55,901 --> 01:27:57,861 but you have me at a bit of a disadvantage, Chuck. 1544 01:27:57,945 --> 01:28:00,322 I don't have your files in front of me. 1545 01:28:08,872 --> 01:28:10,290 Come on, Jim. 1546 01:28:16,380 --> 01:28:17,923 I'm out. 1547 01:28:25,347 --> 01:28:29,101 As long as the mole's alive, you're a dead man. 1548 01:28:29,184 --> 01:28:32,020 How do I know it's not you? 1549 01:28:32,104 --> 01:28:34,606 You're a fairly bright guy. 1550 01:28:36,191 --> 01:28:38,318 You'll figure it out. 1551 01:29:05,053 --> 01:29:07,014 [ Ominous chords ] 1552 01:30:00,317 --> 01:30:04,154 [ No audio ] 1553 01:30:16,792 --> 01:30:19,753 [ No audio ] 1554 01:30:19,837 --> 01:30:23,298 [ Ominous music continues ] 1555 01:30:37,062 --> 01:30:39,898 [ Bagpipe music fades in ] 1556 01:30:44,194 --> 01:30:46,738 - Hey, Chuck. I... - Take it off. 1557 01:30:46,822 --> 01:30:48,991 Who are you? What's your name? 1558 01:30:49,074 --> 01:30:50,868 [ Gong ] 1559 01:30:52,578 --> 01:30:54,371 [ Audience applauds ] 1560 01:30:54,454 --> 01:30:57,958 [ Incidental game show music ] 1561 01:31:00,502 --> 01:31:05,257 Yeah... that's the way it goes on TV. 1562 01:31:05,340 --> 01:31:08,844 CHUCK: Get off the stage. Go back to Scotland! 1563 01:31:08,927 --> 01:31:12,598 Get yourself a Guinness and some Lucky Charms. 1564 01:31:12,681 --> 01:31:15,851 All right. Ladies and gentlemen... 1565 01:31:15,934 --> 01:31:18,395 the prince of puns... 1566 01:31:18,479 --> 01:31:20,606 the wizard of whoopee! 1567 01:31:20,689 --> 01:31:22,065 [ Applause ] 1568 01:31:22,149 --> 01:31:24,443 The Unknown Comic! 1569 01:31:24,526 --> 01:31:26,445 Hey, Chuckie, baby! 1570 01:31:26,528 --> 01:31:28,614 Hey, Chuckie, baby, I got a joke for you. 1571 01:31:28,697 --> 01:31:30,115 - A joke. - What? 1572 01:31:30,199 --> 01:31:31,283 What's the difference between toilet paper... 1573 01:31:31,366 --> 01:31:32,284 and a shower curtain? 1574 01:31:32,367 --> 01:31:34,703 - I don't know. What? - Here's the guy! 1575 01:31:34,786 --> 01:31:37,831 - Get off the stage. - No, it's my turn, Chuckie. 1576 01:31:37,915 --> 01:31:40,918 - Get off the stage. - You're fucking crazy, man. 1577 01:31:41,001 --> 01:31:42,961 Get the fuck out of here. 1578 01:31:43,045 --> 01:31:45,714 Ladies and gentlemen... 1579 01:31:45,798 --> 01:31:49,551 our next act... Ha ha! 1580 01:31:49,635 --> 01:31:51,178 First came... 1581 01:31:53,889 --> 01:31:57,226 To us... all the way... 1582 01:31:59,061 --> 01:32:01,522 Um... ha ha... 1583 01:32:01,605 --> 01:32:05,192 Lord. Crazy on coast-to-coast. 1584 01:32:07,569 --> 01:32:09,071 Come on. 1585 01:32:13,075 --> 01:32:15,327 You like the way Mommy looks? 1586 01:32:15,410 --> 01:32:16,912 Yes. 1587 01:32:16,995 --> 01:32:20,707 I bet you'd like to be a mommy some day, wouldn't you? 1588 01:32:20,791 --> 01:32:22,000 Come here, you. 1589 01:32:22,084 --> 01:32:24,586 [ Renda crying out ] 1590 01:32:29,383 --> 01:32:31,885 CHUCK: Sorry about your teeth. 1591 01:32:41,812 --> 01:32:44,982 MOTHER: # ...birthday to you # 1592 01:32:45,065 --> 01:32:49,444 # Happy birthday to you # 1593 01:32:49,528 --> 01:32:53,699 # Happy birthday, dear Chuckie # 1594 01:32:53,782 --> 01:32:56,285 # Happy birthday to... # 1595 01:33:08,464 --> 01:33:11,592 Come on. Take me away now. 1596 01:33:11,675 --> 01:33:14,136 Take me away. 1597 01:33:14,219 --> 01:33:17,055 What are you waitin' for? 1598 01:33:17,139 --> 01:33:19,808 Come on. Come on. 1599 01:33:19,892 --> 01:33:22,144 Come on. 1600 01:33:23,562 --> 01:33:27,274 I see you. I know who you are. 1601 01:33:27,357 --> 01:33:28,901 What are you looking at? 1602 01:33:28,984 --> 01:33:31,778 [ Music starts ] 1603 01:33:31,862 --> 01:33:34,239 SINGERS: # If I had a hammer # 1604 01:33:34,323 --> 01:33:37,242 # I'd a-hammer in the mornin' # 1605 01:33:37,326 --> 01:33:39,912 # I'd a-hammer in the evenin' # 1606 01:33:39,995 --> 01:33:42,539 # All over this land # 1607 01:33:42,623 --> 01:33:45,292 # I'd a-hammer out danger # 1608 01:33:45,375 --> 01:33:47,795 # I'd a-hammer out a warnin' # 1609 01:33:47,878 --> 01:33:49,630 # I'd a-hammer out love # 1610 01:33:49,713 --> 01:33:51,799 # Between my brothers and my sisters # 1611 01:33:51,882 --> 01:33:54,134 # All over # 1612 01:33:54,218 --> 01:33:57,054 # This land # 1613 01:33:57,137 --> 01:33:58,889 # Ooh ooh ooh # 1614 01:33:58,972 --> 01:34:01,600 # If I had a bell # 1615 01:34:01,683 --> 01:34:04,269 # I'd a-ring it in the mornin' # 1616 01:34:04,353 --> 01:34:07,064 # I'd a-ring it in the evenin' # 1617 01:34:07,147 --> 01:34:09,483 # All over this land # 1618 01:34:09,566 --> 01:34:12,319 # I'd ring out danger # 1619 01:34:12,402 --> 01:34:14,780 # I'd ring out a warning # 1620 01:34:14,863 --> 01:34:16,198 # I'd ring out # 1621 01:34:16,281 --> 01:34:18,951 # Love between my brothers and my sisters # 1622 01:34:19,034 --> 01:34:21,119 # All over # 1623 01:34:21,203 --> 01:34:23,956 # This land # 1624 01:34:24,039 --> 01:34:25,791 # Ooh # 1625 01:34:25,874 --> 01:34:28,460 # If I had a song # 1626 01:34:28,544 --> 01:34:31,213 # I'd sing it in the morning # 1627 01:34:31,296 --> 01:34:33,882 # I'd sing it in the evenin' # 1628 01:34:33,966 --> 01:34:36,301 # All over this land # 1629 01:34:36,385 --> 01:34:39,054 # I'd sing out danger # 1630 01:34:39,138 --> 01:34:41,473 # I'd sing out a warning # 1631 01:34:41,557 --> 01:34:43,475 # I'd sing out love # 1632 01:34:43,559 --> 01:34:45,811 # Between my brothers and my sisters # 1633 01:34:45,894 --> 01:34:47,938 # All over # 1634 01:34:48,021 --> 01:34:50,065 # This land # 1635 01:34:50,149 --> 01:34:50,482 # This land # 1636 01:34:52,484 --> 01:34:54,319 BARRIS: Dear Penny... 1637 01:34:54,403 --> 01:34:58,991 this is just a note to say that I'm sorry... 1638 01:34:59,074 --> 01:35:01,493 for all of it. 1639 01:35:01,577 --> 01:35:04,454 You were the best part of my life... 1640 01:35:04,538 --> 01:35:07,291 and I couldn't see it. 1641 01:35:07,374 --> 01:35:09,710 I'm not asking for another chance... 1642 01:35:11,128 --> 01:35:13,505 just for your forgiveness. 1643 01:35:15,090 --> 01:35:16,717 Love. Chuck. 1644 01:35:26,685 --> 01:35:28,270 [ Knock on door ] 1645 01:35:36,320 --> 01:35:38,238 Well... 1646 01:35:38,322 --> 01:35:40,657 look who comes out of hiding. 1647 01:35:42,034 --> 01:35:43,994 CHUCK: I started thinking, Trish, you're the only woman... 1648 01:35:44,077 --> 01:35:47,122 in the world who really... who really knows me. 1649 01:35:47,206 --> 01:35:50,125 I know I screwed you over in the past... 1650 01:35:50,209 --> 01:35:52,461 and I'm sorry. I... 1651 01:35:52,544 --> 01:35:55,214 [ Piano concerto plays ] 1652 01:35:56,465 --> 01:35:58,717 I just want you to know that... 1653 01:36:02,888 --> 01:36:05,015 I hate myself for how... 1654 01:36:05,098 --> 01:36:09,353 Goddamn, I hate myself for how I lived, Trish. 1655 01:36:10,813 --> 01:36:13,440 PATRICIA: Nietzsche says whoever despises oneself... 1656 01:36:13,524 --> 01:36:16,860 still respects oneself as one who despises. 1657 01:36:18,195 --> 01:36:20,155 CHUCK: Shit, I never thought of that. 1658 01:36:20,239 --> 01:36:23,408 I can't even despise myself with any insight. 1659 01:36:23,492 --> 01:36:26,078 The insane asylums are filled with people... 1660 01:36:26,161 --> 01:36:28,580 who think they're Jesus or Satan. 1661 01:36:28,664 --> 01:36:31,583 Very few have delusions of being... 1662 01:36:31,667 --> 01:36:35,462 a guy down the block who works for an insurance company. 1663 01:36:37,840 --> 01:36:39,550 All right. 1664 01:36:41,260 --> 01:36:43,846 What is this stuff? 1665 01:36:43,929 --> 01:36:45,764 I wanted to be a writer once. 1666 01:36:45,848 --> 01:36:47,766 I wanted to write something... 1667 01:36:47,850 --> 01:36:50,269 that someday some lesser person would quote... 1668 01:36:50,352 --> 01:36:51,854 but I never did. 1669 01:36:51,937 --> 01:36:54,606 I'm the lesser person, Trish. 1670 01:36:54,690 --> 01:36:56,525 I never say anything meaningful... 1671 01:36:56,608 --> 01:36:59,194 that wasn't said by somebody else first. 1672 01:36:59,278 --> 01:37:02,281 I am disposable. 1673 01:37:02,364 --> 01:37:05,576 I disposed of people, and I'm disposable. 1674 01:37:09,454 --> 01:37:13,584 I've been thinking about you a lot lately, Chuck. 1675 01:37:13,667 --> 01:37:16,628 - Oh, yeah? - Mmm. 1676 01:37:16,712 --> 01:37:18,589 I've missed you. 1677 01:37:18,672 --> 01:37:20,799 You could have fooled me. 1678 01:37:20,883 --> 01:37:22,718 Well, I've mellowed. 1679 01:37:22,801 --> 01:37:24,803 [ Chuckles ] 1680 01:37:24,887 --> 01:37:26,472 Boston is a beautiful city. 1681 01:37:26,555 --> 01:37:31,143 We could start over here, normal life together. 1682 01:37:31,226 --> 01:37:33,479 Sell insurance. 1683 01:37:33,562 --> 01:37:34,980 [ Laughs ] 1684 01:37:35,063 --> 01:37:38,817 Yeah! That sounds good. That sounds right. 1685 01:37:41,904 --> 01:37:43,238 Look at that. 1686 01:37:43,322 --> 01:37:46,533 I could lean to love that skyline. 1687 01:37:48,202 --> 01:37:50,829 Did you see I got your picture framed? 1688 01:37:50,913 --> 01:37:52,331 Oh, yeah? Where? 1689 01:37:52,414 --> 01:37:55,292 - Look. - Oh, hot dog! 1690 01:37:57,878 --> 01:37:59,254 To life. 1691 01:38:01,256 --> 01:38:02,674 To life. 1692 01:38:13,852 --> 01:38:17,523 You devil. Isn't that sweet? 1693 01:38:17,606 --> 01:38:18,982 Oh... 1694 01:38:20,818 --> 01:38:24,655 Hey, what about splitting our time in New York? 1695 01:38:27,282 --> 01:38:29,409 Fuck. I just bit... 1696 01:38:29,493 --> 01:38:31,912 It's just a... [ Gags ] 1697 01:38:31,995 --> 01:38:34,540 [ Gagging ] 1698 01:38:45,676 --> 01:38:47,761 [ Gasping, grunting ] 1699 01:38:47,845 --> 01:38:49,638 PATRICIA: No, that's too quick. 1700 01:38:49,721 --> 01:38:53,600 You're supposed to get to the bathroom and throw up first. 1701 01:38:53,684 --> 01:38:56,228 God, Chuck, you should have seen Oliver's face. 1702 01:38:56,311 --> 01:38:59,982 It was just... well... if I do say so myself. 1703 01:39:00,065 --> 01:39:02,442 I got a nice snapshot of it, actually. 1704 01:39:02,526 --> 01:39:03,861 Mmm... 1705 01:39:03,944 --> 01:39:05,404 You know, Keeler was easy. 1706 01:39:05,487 --> 01:39:09,950 Traveled halfway around the world for a night with me. 1707 01:39:10,033 --> 01:39:11,493 Hmm... 1708 01:39:11,577 --> 01:39:12,953 [ Chuck panting ] 1709 01:39:13,036 --> 01:39:16,415 OK... Let's see... 1710 01:39:16,498 --> 01:39:20,377 [ Grunts ] Chuck, you've put on weight. 1711 01:39:22,379 --> 01:39:24,590 Come on. 1712 01:39:24,673 --> 01:39:26,175 I nearly blew it with Byrd. 1713 01:39:26,258 --> 01:39:29,928 Never farm out a job that you should do yourself. 1714 01:39:30,012 --> 01:39:33,932 Do you want a laugh? He thought you were the mole. 1715 01:39:34,016 --> 01:39:37,352 He was going to kill you. What an idiot. 1716 01:39:38,770 --> 01:39:42,274 "I'm not at all the person you and I took me for." 1717 01:39:42,357 --> 01:39:44,276 Hmm. Sounds like an epitaph. 1718 01:39:44,359 --> 01:39:46,528 Your handwriting, too. 1719 01:39:46,612 --> 01:39:49,114 You see, Chuck, I save everything. 1720 01:39:49,198 --> 01:39:51,700 All of your lovely notes. Mmm. 1721 01:39:51,783 --> 01:39:53,952 [ Labored breathing ] 1722 01:39:54,036 --> 01:39:55,913 You know what? 1723 01:39:57,414 --> 01:39:59,625 I like Carlyle best, too. 1724 01:39:59,708 --> 01:40:01,627 I really do. Yeah. 1725 01:40:01,710 --> 01:40:04,004 Say hi to the boys when you see 'em. 1726 01:40:10,177 --> 01:40:12,513 Ooh... 1727 01:40:12,596 --> 01:40:14,014 Oh... 1728 01:41:10,279 --> 01:41:12,239 To life. [ Clink ] 1729 01:41:17,327 --> 01:41:20,330 [ Piano concerto continues ] 1730 01:41:21,748 --> 01:41:24,710 [ No audio ] 1731 01:42:10,172 --> 01:42:13,592 BARRIS: My name is Charles Hirsch Barris. 1732 01:42:13,675 --> 01:42:15,844 I have written pop songs. 1733 01:42:15,928 --> 01:42:19,598 I have been a television producer. 1734 01:42:19,681 --> 01:42:23,101 I am responsible for polluting the air waves... 1735 01:42:23,185 --> 01:42:27,523 with mind-numbing, puerile entertainment. 1736 01:42:27,606 --> 01:42:32,152 In addition, I have murdered 33 human beings. 1737 01:42:53,715 --> 01:42:56,135 JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: We have come here today... 1738 01:42:56,218 --> 01:42:59,847 to join Penny Pacino and Chuck Barris... 1739 01:42:59,930 --> 01:43:01,807 in holy matrimony. 1740 01:43:01,890 --> 01:43:04,309 You all know Chuck Barris... 1741 01:43:04,393 --> 01:43:08,272 creator of "The Dating Game," "The Newlywed Game," 1742 01:43:08,355 --> 01:43:10,065 "The Family Game," 1743 01:43:10,149 --> 01:43:14,611 "The Game Game," "Dream Girl of 1968," 1744 01:43:14,695 --> 01:43:16,947 "Operation: Entertainment," 1745 01:43:17,030 --> 01:43:21,201 "How's Your Mother-in-law," and many others. 1746 01:43:21,285 --> 01:43:24,538 Chuck Barris, who most recently brought us such hits... 1747 01:43:24,621 --> 01:43:26,248 as "The Rah-Rah Show," 1748 01:43:26,331 --> 01:43:29,960 "The $1.98 Beauty Show," 1749 01:43:30,043 --> 01:43:32,337 "The Gong Show." 1750 01:43:32,421 --> 01:43:35,174 Oh! Chuck Barris... 1751 01:43:35,257 --> 01:43:38,010 who I'm sure will be back soon... 1752 01:43:38,093 --> 01:43:43,140 with even more shows that will stimulate and educate... 1753 01:43:43,223 --> 01:43:46,185 and keep us on the edge of our seats. 1754 01:43:46,268 --> 01:43:49,229 [ Bell tolls ] 1755 01:43:54,026 --> 01:43:55,777 [ Cheering ] 1756 01:44:18,467 --> 01:44:19,968 MAN: Whoo! 1757 01:44:20,052 --> 01:44:22,221 Congratulations! 1758 01:44:22,304 --> 01:44:23,263 Hey... 1759 01:44:23,347 --> 01:44:25,307 Oh, thanks, thanks. 1760 01:44:25,390 --> 01:44:26,558 Thanks. 1761 01:44:26,642 --> 01:44:31,814 [ Bell tolls ] 1762 01:44:31,897 --> 01:44:34,733 [ Tolling grows louder ] 1763 01:44:34,817 --> 01:44:37,778 [ No audio ] 1764 01:44:49,832 --> 01:44:52,000 Danny, drive now! 1765 01:44:52,084 --> 01:44:53,252 [ Wheels screech ] 1766 01:44:55,379 --> 01:44:56,505 PENNY: Bye! 1767 01:44:56,588 --> 01:44:58,590 Penny, there's something I gotta confess... 1768 01:44:58,674 --> 01:45:00,467 something I gotta tell ya. 1769 01:45:01,718 --> 01:45:04,304 Listen, Penny. You've known me for a long time... 1770 01:45:04,388 --> 01:45:06,723 As the host of "The Dating Game," 1771 01:45:06,807 --> 01:45:08,851 "The Gong Show," "Rah-Rah Show"... 1772 01:45:08,934 --> 01:45:10,811 Yeah, yeah, listen, listen, listen... 1773 01:45:10,894 --> 01:45:15,482 I work for the CIA. You understand? 1774 01:45:15,566 --> 01:45:17,442 And I kill people. 1775 01:45:17,526 --> 01:45:21,113 I killed... I killed a lot of people. 1776 01:45:21,196 --> 01:45:23,490 You understand? 1777 01:45:23,574 --> 01:45:26,160 I killed a lot of people. 1778 01:45:29,538 --> 01:45:31,665 Ha ha ha ha ha ha! 1779 01:45:43,719 --> 01:45:46,680 [ Both laughing ] 1780 01:45:54,188 --> 01:45:58,317 BARRIS: I came up with a new game show idea recently. 1781 01:45:58,400 --> 01:46:01,737 It's called "The Old Game." 1782 01:46:01,820 --> 01:46:06,867 You got three old guys with loaded guns on stage... 1783 01:46:06,950 --> 01:46:09,995 they look back at their lives... 1784 01:46:10,078 --> 01:46:14,792 see who they were, what they accomplished... 1785 01:46:14,875 --> 01:46:18,712 how close they came to realizing their dreams. 1786 01:46:22,382 --> 01:46:24,510 The winner... 1787 01:46:24,593 --> 01:46:29,097 is the one who doesn't blow his brains out. 1788 01:46:29,181 --> 01:46:32,476 He gets a refrigerator. 1789 01:46:37,606 --> 01:46:40,609 [Music intro] 1790 01:46:40,818 --> 01:46:44,404 # There's no business like show business # 1791 01:46:44,613 --> 01:46:48,826 # Like no business I know # 1792 01:46:48,909 --> 01:46:52,621 # Everything about it is appealing # 1793 01:46:52,830 --> 01:46:56,625 # Everything the traffic will allow # 1794 01:46:56,834 --> 01:46:59,711 # Nowhere can you get that happy feeling # 1795 01:46:59,837 --> 01:47:03,841 # When you are stealing that extra bow # 1796 01:47:04,133 --> 01:47:07,928 # There's no people like show people # 1797 01:47:08,137 --> 01:47:12,141 # They smile when they are low # 1798 01:47:12,307 --> 01:47:15,644 # Even with a turkey that you know will fold # 1799 01:47:15,727 --> 01:47:19,731 # You may be stranded out in the cold # 1800 01:47:19,940 --> 01:47:23,110 # Still, you wouldn't change it for a sack of gold # 1801 01:47:23,235 --> 01:47:26,321 # Let's go on with the show # 1802 01:47:26,530 --> 01:47:28,323 [Instrumentals] 1803 01:48:14,036 --> 01:48:17,831 # The costumes. The scenery, the makeup. The props # 1804 01:48:18,040 --> 01:48:21,835 # The audience that lifts you when you're down # 1805 01:48:22,002 --> 01:48:25,631 # The headache. The heartaches, the backaches. The flops # 1806 01:48:25,714 --> 01:48:29,510 # The sheriff who escorts you out of town # 1807 01:48:29,718 --> 01:48:32,304 # The opening when your heart beats like a drum # 1808 01:48:32,429 --> 01:48:33,931 [Drumbeat] 1809 01:48:34,139 --> 01:48:37,100 # The closing when the customers won't come # 1810 01:48:37,309 --> 01:48:40,938 # There's no business like show business # 1811 01:48:41,104 --> 01:48:45,025 # Like no business I know # 1812 01:48:45,234 --> 01:48:48,737 # Traveling through the country can be thrilling # 1813 01:48:49,029 --> 01:48:52,825 # Standing out in front on opening nights # 1814 01:48:52,908 --> 01:48:55,828 # Smiling as you watch the theater filling # 1815 01:48:56,036 --> 01:48:57,913 # And there's your billing # 1816 01:48:58,038 --> 01:49:00,207 # Out there in lights # 1817 01:49:00,332 --> 01:49:03,836 # There's no people like show people # 1818 01:49:04,128 --> 01:49:08,340 # They smile when they are low # 1819 01:49:08,507 --> 01:49:11,635 # Yesterday they told you you would not go far # 1820 01:49:11,802 --> 01:49:15,514 # That night you open, and there you are # 1821 01:49:15,806 --> 01:49:19,434 # Next day on your dressing room. They've hung a star # 1822 01:49:19,601 --> 01:49:23,313 # Let's go on with the show # 1823 01:49:23,438 --> 01:49:25,607 # Let's go # 1824 01:49:25,816 --> 01:49:31,405 # On with the show # 1825 01:49:37,035 --> 01:49:40,038 [Somber piano music plays] 1826 01:53:23,637 --> 01:53:24,805 [Music ends]