1
00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:05,328
I'm going for a cup of tea.
Do you want one?
2
00:03:06,738 --> 00:03:10,174
- Do you want a cup of tea, Withnail?
- No.
3
00:03:59,454 --> 00:04:02,320
Thirteen million
Londoners have to wake up to this.
4
00:04:02,423 --> 00:04:05,324
The murder and all-bran
and rape?
5
00:04:05,426 --> 00:04:08,918
And I'm sitting in this bloody shack,
and I can't cope with Withnail.
6
00:04:09,029 --> 00:04:11,088
I must be out of my mind.
7
00:04:11,198 --> 00:04:14,258
I must go home at once and
discuss his problems in depth.
8
00:04:17,070 --> 00:04:19,732
I have some extremely
distressing news.
9
00:04:19,839 --> 00:04:22,831
I don't want to hear it.
I don't want to hear anything.
10
00:04:24,444 --> 00:04:28,039
My God, it's a nightmare,
let me tell you. It's a nightmare.
11
00:04:28,147 --> 00:04:31,139
We've just run out of wine.
What are we gonna do about it?
12
00:04:31,250 --> 00:04:33,740
I don't know.
I don't know.
13
00:04:33,852 --> 00:04:36,878
Oh, God!
I don't feel good.
14
00:04:36,989 --> 00:04:41,187
My thumbs have gone weird!
15
00:04:41,293 --> 00:04:44,558
I'm in the middle
of a bloody overdose.
16
00:04:44,663 --> 00:04:47,632
Oh, God!
17
00:04:47,733 --> 00:04:50,792
My heart's beating
like a fucked clock!
18
00:04:50,901 --> 00:04:53,335
I feel dreadful.
I feel really dreadful.
19
00:04:53,437 --> 00:04:55,803
So do I.
So does everybody.
20
00:04:55,906 --> 00:04:57,931
Look at my tongue.
21
00:04:58,042 --> 00:05:00,510
Gray yellow sock.
22
00:05:00,611 --> 00:05:03,341
Sit down, for Christ's sake.
What's the matter with you?
23
00:05:04,815 --> 00:05:07,476
Eat some sugar.
24
00:05:07,584 --> 00:05:10,951
Listen to this.
"Curse of the supermen.
25
00:05:11,054 --> 00:05:14,854
"'I took drugs to win medal,'
says top athleteJeff Wode.
26
00:05:14,958 --> 00:05:17,927
- Where's the coffee?
- "In a world exclusive interview,
27
00:05:18,028 --> 00:05:22,259
"33-year-old shot putterJeff Wode,
who weighs 317 pounds,
28
00:05:22,364 --> 00:05:25,959
"admitted taking massive doses
of anabolic steroids,
29
00:05:26,068 --> 00:05:28,366
"drugs banned in sport.
30
00:05:28,470 --> 00:05:31,598
"'He used to get in bad tempers,'
says his wife.
31
00:05:31,707 --> 00:05:34,540
"'He used to pick on me.
But now he's stopped,
32
00:05:34,643 --> 00:05:37,942
he's much better in our sex
life and in our general life. "'
33
00:05:38,046 --> 00:05:42,847
Jesus Christ!
This huge, thatched head...
34
00:05:42,950 --> 00:05:47,512
with its earlobes and cannonball
is not considered sane.
35
00:05:47,622 --> 00:05:49,920
"Jeff Wode is feeling better...
36
00:05:50,024 --> 00:05:54,551
and is now prepared to step back into
society and start tossing his orb about. "
37
00:05:54,661 --> 00:05:57,027
Look at him!
Look at Jeff Wode!
38
00:05:57,130 --> 00:06:00,065
His head must weigh
50 pounds on its own.
39
00:06:01,501 --> 00:06:04,095
Imagine the size of his balls.
40
00:06:05,572 --> 00:06:08,507
Imagine getting into a fight
with the fucker.
41
00:06:08,608 --> 00:06:10,542
Please, I don't feel good.
42
00:06:10,644 --> 00:06:14,636
That's what you'd say.
But that wouldn't wash with Jeff.
43
00:06:14,747 --> 00:06:18,774
No. He'd like a bit of pleading.
Adds spice to it.
44
00:06:18,884 --> 00:06:24,049
In fact, he'd probably tell you
what he was gonna do before he did it.
45
00:06:25,558 --> 00:06:27,923
"I'm gonna pull your head off. "
46
00:06:28,026 --> 00:06:30,688
"No, please don't pull my head off. "
47
00:06:30,795 --> 00:06:34,891
"I'm gonna pull your head off
because I don't like your head. "
48
00:06:39,003 --> 00:06:42,564
Have you got soup?
Why didn't I get any soup?
49
00:06:42,674 --> 00:06:44,641
Coffee.
50
00:06:44,741 --> 00:06:46,902
Why don't you use a cup
like any other human being?
51
00:06:47,010 --> 00:06:49,808
Why don't you wash up occasionally
like any other human being?
52
00:06:49,913 --> 00:06:53,679
How dare you!
How dare you!
53
00:06:53,784 --> 00:06:56,252
How dare you
call me inhumane!
54
00:06:56,353 --> 00:06:59,345
I didn't call you inhumane.
You merely imagined it. Calm down.
55
00:06:59,456 --> 00:07:02,288
Right, you fucker.
I'm gonna do the washing up.
56
00:07:02,391 --> 00:07:05,554
No, no, you can't.
It's impossible, I swear.
57
00:07:05,661 --> 00:07:08,391
I've looked into it.
Listen to me! Listen to me!
58
00:07:08,498 --> 00:07:11,331
There are things in there.
There's a tea bag growing.
59
00:07:11,434 --> 00:07:14,699
You haven't slept in 60 hours.
You're in no state to tackle it.
60
00:07:14,804 --> 00:07:17,271
Wait till the morning.
We'll go in together.
61
00:07:17,372 --> 00:07:20,000
This is the morning!
Stand aside!
62
00:07:20,108 --> 00:07:24,067
You don't understand! I think
there may be something living in there.
63
00:07:24,179 --> 00:07:26,443
I think there may be
something alive.
64
00:07:26,548 --> 00:07:29,312
- What do you mean? A rat?
- It's possible.
65
00:07:29,417 --> 00:07:32,477
Then the fucker
will rue the day.
66
00:07:34,622 --> 00:07:39,059
Oh, Christ Almighty!
A sinew in nicotine base.
67
00:07:39,160 --> 00:07:42,618
Keep back, keep back.
The entire sink's gone rotten.
68
00:07:42,730 --> 00:07:44,630
I don't know what's in here.
69
00:07:44,732 --> 00:07:48,862
I told you, you've been bitten!
70
00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:51,698
Burnt! Burnt!
The fucking kettle's on fire!
71
00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:54,272
- There's something floating up.
- Fork it!
72
00:07:54,374 --> 00:07:57,866
- L-I-I don't...
- You must! You must!
73
00:07:57,977 --> 00:08:02,073
The poop will boil through the glaze. We'll
never be able to use our dinner service again.
74
00:08:02,182 --> 00:08:04,582
Here. Get it with the pliers.
75
00:08:04,684 --> 00:08:07,083
No, no. No, no.
Give me the gloves.
76
00:08:07,186 --> 00:08:09,882
That's right.
Put on the gloves.
77
00:08:09,988 --> 00:08:12,889
Don't attempt anything
without the gloves.
78
00:08:16,261 --> 00:08:19,162
- Ugh.
- What is it? What have you found?
79
00:08:19,264 --> 00:08:21,892
Matter.
80
00:08:21,999 --> 00:08:24,490
Matter?
Where's it coming from?
81
00:08:24,602 --> 00:08:27,594
Don't look.
I'm dealing with it.
82
00:08:29,674 --> 00:08:32,040
I think we've been
in here too long.
83
00:08:32,143 --> 00:08:35,772
I feel unusual.
I think we should go outside.
84
00:08:40,850 --> 00:08:43,785
This is ridiculous.
Look at me.
85
00:08:43,887 --> 00:08:47,379
I'm 30 in a month, and I've got
a sole flapping off my shoe.
86
00:08:47,490 --> 00:08:50,482
It will get better.
It has to.
87
00:08:50,594 --> 00:08:53,529
Easy for you to say, lovey.
You've had an audition.
88
00:08:53,630 --> 00:08:56,097
Why can't I have an audition?
89
00:08:56,198 --> 00:09:00,897
It's ridiculous. I've been
to drama school. I'm good-looking.
90
00:09:01,003 --> 00:09:05,099
I tell you, I've a fuck sight more talent
than half the rubbish that gets on television.
91
00:09:05,207 --> 00:09:07,300
Why can't I get on television?
92
00:09:07,409 --> 00:09:09,639
I don't know.
It'll happen.
93
00:09:09,745 --> 00:09:12,304
Will it?
That's what you say.
94
00:09:12,413 --> 00:09:16,008
The only program I'm likely to get on
is the fucking news.
95
00:09:16,117 --> 00:09:18,585
I tell you, I can't take
much more of this.
96
00:09:18,686 --> 00:09:21,120
- I'm gonna crack.
- I'm in the same boat.
97
00:09:21,222 --> 00:09:23,122
Yeah, yeah.
98
00:09:23,224 --> 00:09:25,818
I feel as sick as a pike.
99
00:09:25,927 --> 00:09:28,053
I'm gonna have to sit down.
100
00:09:33,233 --> 00:09:36,327
You know what we should do?
101
00:09:36,436 --> 00:09:39,064
I say, you know
what we should do?
102
00:09:39,172 --> 00:09:42,164
How can I possibly know
what we should do?
103
00:09:42,276 --> 00:09:45,802
- What should we do?
- Get out of it for a while.
104
00:09:45,911 --> 00:09:48,675
Get into the countryside,
rejuvenate.
105
00:09:48,781 --> 00:09:52,808
Rejuvenate? I'm in a park,
and I'm practically dead.
106
00:09:52,918 --> 00:09:55,819
What good's the countryside?
107
00:09:55,921 --> 00:10:00,085
- What time is it?
- It's 8:00.
108
00:10:00,192 --> 00:10:04,594
Four hours till opening time.
God help us.
109
00:10:04,696 --> 00:10:07,096
Have we got any embrocation?
110
00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:11,535
- What for?
- To rub on us, you fool.
111
00:10:11,636 --> 00:10:14,730
We can cover ourselves in Deep Heat
and get up against the radiator,
112
00:10:14,839 --> 00:10:17,306
keep ourselves alive till 12:00.
113
00:10:19,109 --> 00:10:21,543
Jesus, look at that!
114
00:10:21,645 --> 00:10:24,443
Apart from a raw potato,
that's the only solid...
115
00:10:24,548 --> 00:10:27,676
to have passed my lips
in the last 60 hours.
116
00:10:27,785 --> 00:10:30,185
I must be ill.
117
00:10:32,456 --> 00:10:36,289
Even a stopped clock
gives the right time twice a day.
118
00:10:37,794 --> 00:10:41,753
And for once, I'm inclined to
believe that Withnail is right.
119
00:10:41,864 --> 00:10:46,301
We are, indeed, drifting
into the arena of the unwell,
120
00:10:48,137 --> 00:10:51,128
making an enemy
of our own future.
121
00:10:51,239 --> 00:10:54,208
What we need is harmony,
122
00:10:54,309 --> 00:10:57,403
fresh air, stuff like that.
123
00:10:57,512 --> 00:11:01,004
Wasn't much in the tube.
Nothing left for you.
124
00:11:01,116 --> 00:11:04,415
Why don't you ask your father
for some money?
125
00:11:04,519 --> 00:11:07,487
If we had some money,
we could go away.
126
00:11:07,588 --> 00:11:11,251
Why don't you ask your father?
How can it be so cold in here?
127
00:11:11,359 --> 00:11:13,691
Like Greenland in here.
128
00:11:15,463 --> 00:11:19,923
We've got to get some booze. It's
the only solution for this intense cold.
129
00:11:20,034 --> 00:11:24,129
Something's got to be done.
We can't go on like this!
130
00:11:24,237 --> 00:11:28,435
I'm a trained actor
reduced to the status of a bum!
131
00:11:28,541 --> 00:11:33,240
I mean, look at us! Nothing that reasonable
members of society demand as their rights!
132
00:11:33,346 --> 00:11:36,577
No fridges, no televisions,
no phones!
133
00:11:36,683 --> 00:11:39,014
Much more of this, I'm gonna
apply for Meals On Wheels.
134
00:11:39,118 --> 00:11:43,020
- What happened to your cigar commercial?
- That's what I want to know.
135
00:11:43,122 --> 00:11:46,319
What happened to my agent?
Bastard must have died.
136
00:11:46,425 --> 00:11:48,325
September. Bad patch.
137
00:11:48,427 --> 00:11:51,555
Rubbish. I haven't seen Gielgud
down the Labor Exchange.
138
00:11:51,663 --> 00:11:53,563
Why doesn't he retire?
139
00:11:53,665 --> 00:11:56,565
Oh, look at this little bastard!
140
00:11:56,667 --> 00:12:00,000
"Boy lands plum role
for top Italian director. "
141
00:12:00,104 --> 00:12:04,165
'Course he does. Probably
on a tenner a day, and I know what for.
142
00:12:04,275 --> 00:12:08,109
Two pound ten a tit,
and a fiver for his arse.
143
00:12:10,815 --> 00:12:13,612
- Have you been at the controls?
- What are you talking about?
144
00:12:13,717 --> 00:12:16,379
The thermostats!
What have you done to them?
145
00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:19,649
- I haven't touched them.
- Then why has my head gone numb?
146
00:12:19,756 --> 00:12:22,247
I must have some booze.
147
00:12:22,359 --> 00:12:25,089
I demand to have some booze!
148
00:12:27,230 --> 00:12:29,959
- I wouldn't drink that if I was you.
- Why not?
149
00:12:30,065 --> 00:12:31,965
Because I don't advise it.
150
00:12:32,067 --> 00:12:34,968
Even the wankers on the site wouldn't
drink that. That's worse than meths.
151
00:12:35,070 --> 00:12:38,039
Nonsense. This is a far
superior drink to meths.
152
00:12:38,140 --> 00:12:41,007
Wankers don't drink it
because they can't afford it.
153
00:12:45,380 --> 00:12:48,349
Have we got any more?
154
00:12:48,450 --> 00:12:51,180
Liar!
What's in your toolbox?
155
00:12:51,286 --> 00:12:53,345
No, we have nothing.
Sit down.
156
00:12:53,455 --> 00:12:55,855
Liar!
You've got antifreeze.
157
00:12:55,957 --> 00:12:58,858
You bloody fool.
You should never mix your drinks!
158
00:13:07,734 --> 00:13:11,636
All right, this is the plan.
We'll get in there and get wrecked.
159
00:13:11,738 --> 00:13:15,674
Then we'll eat a pork pie. Then we'll
drop a couple of Surmontil 50s each.
160
00:13:15,776 --> 00:13:19,211
Means we'll miss out Monday
but come up smiling Tuesday morning.
161
00:13:19,312 --> 00:13:22,713
- What's that appalling smell?
- Perfume on my boots.
162
00:13:22,815 --> 00:13:25,875
I had to scrub them
with essence of petunia.
163
00:13:33,125 --> 00:13:37,185
Two large gins, two pints of cider,
ice in the cider.
164
00:13:37,295 --> 00:13:39,855
If my father was loaded,
I'd ask him for some money.
165
00:13:39,965 --> 00:13:42,729
If your father was my
father, you wouldn't get it.
166
00:13:42,834 --> 00:13:45,234
- Here you are, lads.
- Chin-chin.
167
00:13:49,007 --> 00:13:50,906
Ugh!
168
00:13:52,443 --> 00:13:55,071
What about what's-his-name?
169
00:13:55,179 --> 00:13:58,512
- What about him?
- Why don't you give him a call?
170
00:13:58,616 --> 00:14:02,052
- What for?
- Ask him about his house.
171
00:14:02,152 --> 00:14:05,246
You want me to call what's-his-name
and ask him about his house?
172
00:14:05,356 --> 00:14:08,688
- Why not?
- All right. What's his number?
173
00:14:08,791 --> 00:14:11,453
I have no idea.
I've never met him.
174
00:14:11,561 --> 00:14:14,462
Well, neither have I.
Who the fuck are you talking about?
175
00:14:14,564 --> 00:14:16,896
Your relative with the house
in the country.
176
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,662
- Monty? Uncle Monty?
- Same. That's the one.
177
00:14:19,769 --> 00:14:22,738
Get theJag fixed up,
spend a week in the country.
178
00:14:22,838 --> 00:14:26,638
All right. Give us a tanner,
and I'll give him a bell.
179
00:14:26,742 --> 00:14:31,236
Here. Get a couple more.
I'm going for a slash.
180
00:14:38,186 --> 00:14:40,085
Ponce.
181
00:14:43,057 --> 00:14:45,753
I could hardly
piss straight with fear.
182
00:14:45,860 --> 00:14:49,421
A man with three-quarters of an inch
of brain had taken a dislike to me.
183
00:14:49,530 --> 00:14:53,933
What have I done to offend him? I don't
consciously offend big men like this.
184
00:14:54,035 --> 00:14:56,935
And this one has a definite
imbalance of hormone in him.
185
00:14:57,037 --> 00:15:00,165
Get any more masculine than him,
you'd have to live up a tree.
186
00:15:00,273 --> 00:15:03,504
"I fuck arses. "
Who fucks arses?
187
00:15:03,610 --> 00:15:06,306
Maybe he fucks arses.
188
00:15:06,413 --> 00:15:09,541
Maybe he's written this in some
moment of drunken sincerity?
189
00:15:09,649 --> 00:15:12,116
I'm in considerable
danger in here.
190
00:15:12,217 --> 00:15:14,208
I must get out of here at once.
191
00:15:18,557 --> 00:15:20,718
Perfumed ponce!
192
00:15:22,595 --> 00:15:25,826
You'll be pleased to hear
Monty's invited us for drinks.
193
00:15:25,931 --> 00:15:28,126
Balls to Monty.
We're getting out.
194
00:15:28,233 --> 00:15:31,360
Balls to Monty? I already spent
an hour flattering the bugger.
195
00:15:31,469 --> 00:15:35,405
There's a man over there doesn't like
the perfume. A big one. Don't look.
196
00:15:35,506 --> 00:15:38,236
We're in danger.
We've got to get out.
197
00:15:38,343 --> 00:15:42,370
- What are you talking about?
- I've been called a ponce.
198
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:45,607
What fucker said that?
199
00:15:51,154 --> 00:15:54,123
I called him a ponce,
200
00:15:54,224 --> 00:15:56,590
and now I'm calling you one.
201
00:15:56,693 --> 00:15:58,820
Ponce!
202
00:15:58,929 --> 00:16:01,260
Would you like a drink?
203
00:16:01,364 --> 00:16:03,389
What's your name? McFuck?
204
00:16:04,767 --> 00:16:08,328
I have a heart condition.
I have a heart condition.
205
00:16:08,437 --> 00:16:11,167
If you hit me, it's murder.
206
00:16:11,273 --> 00:16:13,969
I'll murder the pair of yous!
207
00:16:14,076 --> 00:16:16,772
My wife is having a baby.
208
00:16:16,879 --> 00:16:21,406
Listen, I don't know what my...
acquaintance did to upset you,
209
00:16:21,516 --> 00:16:24,041
but it's nothing to do with me.
210
00:16:24,152 --> 00:16:26,780
I suggest you both go outside...
211
00:16:26,888 --> 00:16:29,652
and discuss it sensibly
in the street.
212
00:16:32,327 --> 00:16:34,226
Out of my way!
213
00:16:39,967 --> 00:16:42,959
Speed is like
a dozen transatlantic flights...
214
00:16:43,070 --> 00:16:45,436
without ever
getting off the plane.
215
00:16:45,539 --> 00:16:49,635
Time change.
You lose. You gain.
216
00:16:49,743 --> 00:16:53,769
Makes no difference, so long
as you keep taking the pills.
217
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:56,713
But sooner or later,
you gotta get out...
218
00:16:56,816 --> 00:16:58,943
because it's crashing,
219
00:16:59,052 --> 00:17:02,044
and all at once
those frozen hours...
220
00:17:02,155 --> 00:17:04,783
melt through
the nervous system...
221
00:17:04,891 --> 00:17:08,053
and seep out the pores.
222
00:17:09,361 --> 00:17:12,558
Bastards! Just to suck...
223
00:17:12,664 --> 00:17:16,122
some miserable cheap cigar,
and the bastards won't see me.
224
00:17:18,670 --> 00:17:20,638
Why are we having lunch in here?
225
00:17:20,739 --> 00:17:22,730
It's dinner, and Danny's here.
226
00:17:22,841 --> 00:17:24,740
Danny?
How did he get in?
227
00:17:24,842 --> 00:17:27,606
I let him in this morning.
He lost one of his clogs.
228
00:17:27,712 --> 00:17:30,340
He's come in because
of this perpetual cold.
229
00:17:30,448 --> 00:17:33,281
Oh, I hope
tobacco sales plummet.
230
00:17:33,384 --> 00:17:37,320
I've got your saveloy.
Here. I don't want it.
231
00:17:37,421 --> 00:17:40,184
Then stick it in a soap tray
and save it for later.
232
00:17:40,290 --> 00:17:42,952
Don't vent spleen on me!
I'm in the same boat!
233
00:17:43,059 --> 00:17:45,892
Stop saying that!
You're not in the same boat.
234
00:17:45,995 --> 00:17:50,432
The only thing you're in that
I have been in is this fucking bath!
235
00:17:52,702 --> 00:17:56,933
Danny's here.
Headhunter to his friends.
236
00:17:57,039 --> 00:18:00,941
Headhunter to everybody.
He doesn't have any friends.
237
00:18:01,043 --> 00:18:03,773
The only people
he converses with...
238
00:18:03,879 --> 00:18:06,780
are his clients
and occasionally the police.
239
00:18:06,882 --> 00:18:11,785
The purveyor of rare herbs and
prescribed chemicals is back.
240
00:18:11,887 --> 00:18:14,912
Will we never be set free?
241
00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:23,087
- Danny.
- You're looking very beautiful, man.
242
00:18:23,197 --> 00:18:25,097
Have you been away?
243
00:18:25,199 --> 00:18:29,259
St. Peter preached the epistles
to the apostles looking like that.
244
00:18:29,369 --> 00:18:31,701
Have you got any food?
245
00:18:31,805 --> 00:18:35,206
Mmm. As a matter of fact,
I got a saveloy.
246
00:18:35,308 --> 00:18:38,175
How much is it?
247
00:18:38,278 --> 00:18:40,473
You can have it for nothing.
248
00:18:40,580 --> 00:18:43,640
- I see you're wearing a suit.
- What's it got to do with you?
249
00:18:43,750 --> 00:18:47,981
No need to get uptight, man.
I was merely making an observation.
250
00:18:48,087 --> 00:18:52,615
I happened to be looking for a suit
for the Coalman two weeks ago.
251
00:18:52,725 --> 00:18:55,956
For reasons I can't really
discuss with you...
252
00:18:56,061 --> 00:18:58,655
the Coalman
had to go toJamaica.
253
00:18:58,764 --> 00:19:01,528
Got busted coming back
through Heathrow.
254
00:19:04,636 --> 00:19:06,536
Had a weight under his fez.
255
00:19:06,638 --> 00:19:10,768
We worked out, it would be very handy
karma for him to get hold of a suit.
256
00:19:10,875 --> 00:19:14,242
But he's a very low-temperature
spade, the Coalman.
257
00:19:14,345 --> 00:19:17,314
Goes into court
in his caftan and a bell.
258
00:19:17,415 --> 00:19:21,350
This doesn't go down at all well.
259
00:19:21,451 --> 00:19:25,012
They can handle the caftan,
but they can't handle the bell.
260
00:19:25,122 --> 00:19:28,683
So there's this judge sitting there
in the cape like fucking Batman...
261
00:19:28,792 --> 00:19:32,353
- with this really rather
far-out looking hat... - Wig.
262
00:19:32,462 --> 00:19:36,522
No, man. This was more
like a long white hat.
263
00:19:36,632 --> 00:19:39,157
So he looks at the Coalman
and says,
264
00:19:39,268 --> 00:19:42,863
"What's all this? This is a court,
man. This ain't fancy dress. "
265
00:19:42,972 --> 00:19:45,668
And the Coalman
looks at him and says,
266
00:19:45,775 --> 00:19:48,801
"You think you look normal,
Your Honor?"
267
00:19:48,911 --> 00:19:51,936
Cunt give him two years.
268
00:19:53,949 --> 00:19:57,009
I'm afraid I can't offer
you gentlemen anything.
269
00:19:57,118 --> 00:19:59,848
That's all right, Danny.
We decided to lay off for a bit.
270
00:19:59,955 --> 00:20:03,721
That's what I thought. Except
for personal use, I concur with you.
271
00:20:03,825 --> 00:20:08,227
As a matter of fact, I'm thinking
of retiring and going into business.
272
00:20:08,329 --> 00:20:10,820
Doing what?
273
00:20:10,931 --> 00:20:14,162
- The toy industry.
- I thought you were in the bottle industry.
274
00:20:14,268 --> 00:20:18,432
No, man. That's a sideline.
You can have that.
275
00:20:18,539 --> 00:20:21,269
Instructions are included.
276
00:20:21,375 --> 00:20:25,538
Yeah, my partner's got a really
good idea for making dolls.
277
00:20:25,645 --> 00:20:30,207
His name's Presuming Ed.
His sister give him the idea.
278
00:20:30,316 --> 00:20:33,012
She got a doll on Christmas
what pisses itself.
279
00:20:33,119 --> 00:20:36,555
- Really?
- Yeah, and you gotta change its drawers for it.
280
00:20:36,656 --> 00:20:39,682
It's horrible, really.
But they like that, little girls.
281
00:20:39,792 --> 00:20:42,692
So we're gonna make one
that shits itself as well.
282
00:20:42,794 --> 00:20:45,388
- Shits itself?
- He's an expert.
283
00:20:45,497 --> 00:20:48,261
He's building the prototype now.
284
00:20:51,036 --> 00:20:53,197
Why is he behaving so uptightly?
285
00:20:53,305 --> 00:20:57,263
Because a gang of cheeroot vendors
considered a haircut beyond my abilities.
286
00:20:57,375 --> 00:21:00,276
I don't advise a haircut, man.
287
00:21:00,378 --> 00:21:03,541
All hairdressers are
in the employment of the government.
288
00:21:03,648 --> 00:21:05,809
Hair are your aerials.
289
00:21:05,917 --> 00:21:08,385
They pick up signals
from the cosmos...
290
00:21:08,486 --> 00:21:11,284
and transmit them
directly into the brain.
291
00:21:11,389 --> 00:21:14,516
This is the reason
bald-headed men are uptight.
292
00:21:14,624 --> 00:21:16,956
What absolute twaddle.
293
00:21:18,395 --> 00:21:20,295
- Has he just been busted?
- No.
294
00:21:20,397 --> 00:21:22,627
Then why is he wearing
that old suit?
295
00:21:22,732 --> 00:21:26,793
Old suit? This suit
was cut by Hawke's of Savile Row.
296
00:21:26,903 --> 00:21:30,861
Just because the best tailoring you've ever seen is
above your fucking appendix doesn't mean anything!
297
00:21:30,973 --> 00:21:33,464
Don't get uptight with me, man.
298
00:21:33,575 --> 00:21:38,103
'Cause if you do, I'll have to
give you a dose of medicine.
299
00:21:38,213 --> 00:21:42,309
And if I spike you, you'll know
you've been spoken to.
300
00:21:42,418 --> 00:21:45,148
You wouldn't spike me.
You're too mean.
301
00:21:45,254 --> 00:21:48,154
Besides, there's nothing
invented I couldn't take.
302
00:21:48,256 --> 00:21:53,091
If I medicined you, you'd think
a brain tumor was a birthday present.
303
00:21:54,929 --> 00:21:58,023
I could take double
anything you could.
304
00:21:59,934 --> 00:22:03,334
Very, very foolish words, man.
305
00:22:03,437 --> 00:22:05,837
He's right, Withnail.
Look at him.
306
00:22:05,939 --> 00:22:08,840
His mechanism's gone. He's had
more drugs than you've had hot dinners.
307
00:22:08,942 --> 00:22:11,376
I'm not having this
shag sack insulting me.
308
00:22:11,478 --> 00:22:13,673
Let him get his drugs out.
309
00:22:13,780 --> 00:22:17,648
This doll
is extremely dangerous.
310
00:22:19,485 --> 00:22:23,421
It has voodoo qualities.
311
00:22:32,465 --> 00:22:38,130
Trade,
"Phenodihydrochrolide benzorex. "
312
00:22:38,236 --> 00:22:41,535
Street, "the embalmer. "
313
00:22:41,639 --> 00:22:43,869
Balls! I'll swallow it
and run a mile.
314
00:22:43,975 --> 00:22:48,674
Cool your boots, man.
This pill's valued at two quid.
315
00:22:48,780 --> 00:22:51,680
- Two quid? You're out of your mind.
- That's sense, Withnail.
316
00:22:51,782 --> 00:22:55,309
You can stuff it up your arse for nothing
and fuck off while you're doing it!
317
00:22:57,821 --> 00:23:02,315
No need to insult me, man.
I was leaving anyway.
318
00:23:05,662 --> 00:23:08,824
Have either of you got shoes?
319
00:23:34,356 --> 00:23:36,824
Monty's car.
320
00:23:45,366 --> 00:23:48,358
Oh, hello! Come in.
321
00:23:56,444 --> 00:24:00,140
Sit down, do.
Would you like a drink?
322
00:24:00,246 --> 00:24:02,339
- Sherry.
- Sherry.
323
00:24:05,452 --> 00:24:07,352
- Sherry?
- Sherry.
324
00:24:07,454 --> 00:24:09,354
Sherry.
325
00:24:13,392 --> 00:24:15,952
Do you like vegetables?
326
00:24:16,061 --> 00:24:18,791
I've always been fond
of root crops,
327
00:24:18,897 --> 00:24:21,422
but I only started
to grow last summer.
328
00:24:21,533 --> 00:24:25,128
I happen to think the cauliflower
more beautiful than the rose.
329
00:24:25,237 --> 00:24:27,137
Chin-chin.
330
00:24:27,239 --> 00:24:29,638
- Do you grow?
- Geraniums.
331
00:24:29,740 --> 00:24:31,833
Little traitors.
332
00:24:31,943 --> 00:24:35,174
I think the carrot infinitely
more fascinating than the geranium.
333
00:24:35,279 --> 00:24:38,737
Mmm. The carrot has mystery.
334
00:24:38,850 --> 00:24:41,876
Flowers are essentially tarts,
335
00:24:41,986 --> 00:24:45,012
prostitutes for the bees.
336
00:24:46,423 --> 00:24:49,483
There is, you will agree,
a certain "je ne sai quoi,"
337
00:24:49,593 --> 00:24:53,256
something very special
about a firm, young carrot.
338
00:24:53,363 --> 00:24:55,490
Hmm, excuse me.
339
00:24:55,599 --> 00:24:59,160
Do help yourselves to another drink.
340
00:24:59,269 --> 00:25:01,737
What's all this?
The man's mad.
341
00:25:01,838 --> 00:25:04,397
- Eccentric.
- Eccentric? He's insane!
342
00:25:04,507 --> 00:25:07,101
Not only that,
he's a raving homosexual.
343
00:25:09,211 --> 00:25:11,475
You beastly little parasite!
How dare you?
344
00:25:11,580 --> 00:25:14,344
You little thug!
How dare you!
345
00:25:16,986 --> 00:25:19,545
Beastly, ungrateful little swine!
346
00:25:19,654 --> 00:25:23,385
- Shall I get you a drink?
- Yes, yes, yes, please, dear boy.
347
00:25:23,491 --> 00:25:26,051
You can prepare me a small
rhesus-negative Bloody Mary.
348
00:25:26,161 --> 00:25:30,291
You must tell me all the news. I haven't
seen you since you finished your last show.
349
00:25:30,398 --> 00:25:33,196
Rather busy, Uncle.
TV and stuff.
350
00:25:33,301 --> 00:25:36,599
My agent's attempting to edge me
towards Royal Shakespeare Company again.
351
00:25:36,703 --> 00:25:40,605
- Oh, splendid.
- And he's just had an audition for rep.
352
00:25:40,707 --> 00:25:43,870
Oh, splendid!
So you're a Thespian too?
353
00:25:47,314 --> 00:25:49,305
Monty used to act.
354
00:25:49,416 --> 00:25:51,316
One hardly says that.
355
00:25:51,418 --> 00:25:54,978
I cracked the boards in my youth,
but I never really had it in my blood.
356
00:25:55,087 --> 00:25:57,647
And that's what's
so essential, isn't it?
357
00:25:57,757 --> 00:26:00,191
The theatrical zeal in the veins.
358
00:26:00,293 --> 00:26:04,354
Alas, I have little more
than vintage wine and memories.
359
00:26:08,667 --> 00:26:12,398
It is the most shattering experience
of a young man's life...
360
00:26:12,504 --> 00:26:16,406
when one morning he awakes
and quite reasonably says to himself,
361
00:26:16,508 --> 00:26:21,969
"I will never play the Dane. "
362
00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:25,242
When that moment comes,
363
00:26:25,349 --> 00:26:28,807
one's ambition ceases.
364
00:26:31,188 --> 00:26:33,679
Don't you agree?
365
00:26:33,791 --> 00:26:37,591
- It's a part I intend to play, Uncle.
- And you'll be marvelous.
366
00:26:37,695 --> 00:26:39,993
Marvelous.
367
00:26:41,397 --> 00:26:43,957
"It's gone.
368
00:26:44,067 --> 00:26:47,264
"We do it wrong,
being so ma'jestical...
369
00:26:47,370 --> 00:26:50,100
to offer it
the show of violence. "
370
00:26:50,206 --> 00:26:53,300
Let's go. He's a madman.
371
00:26:53,409 --> 00:26:56,173
Any minute now, he's gonna rush out
and get into his tights.
372
00:26:56,279 --> 00:27:00,112
- Okay, okay. Any minute.
- The house or out.
373
00:27:02,050 --> 00:27:04,245
Could I have a word
with you, Monty?
374
00:27:04,353 --> 00:27:07,288
Oh, forgive me, dear boy.
Forgive me.
375
00:27:07,389 --> 00:27:10,449
I was allowing memory
to have the better of me.
376
00:27:10,559 --> 00:27:13,460
Shall I get you a topper?
377
00:27:22,403 --> 00:27:25,964
Indeed, I remember my first agent.
378
00:27:26,073 --> 00:27:28,200
Raymond Duck.
379
00:27:30,043 --> 00:27:33,035
He was a dreadful little Israelite.
380
00:27:33,146 --> 00:27:36,115
Four floors up
on the Charing Cross Road,
381
00:27:36,216 --> 00:27:39,014
and never a job
at the top of them.
382
00:27:40,854 --> 00:27:43,652
I'm told you're a writer too.
383
00:27:45,592 --> 00:27:48,082
Do you write poems?
384
00:27:48,193 --> 00:27:52,152
No. I wish I could.
It's just thoughts, really.
385
00:27:53,866 --> 00:27:56,334
- Are you published?
- Oh, no.
386
00:27:56,435 --> 00:27:58,665
Where did you school?
387
00:27:58,771 --> 00:28:01,399
He went to the other place, Monty.
388
00:28:01,507 --> 00:28:04,737
Oh, you went to Eton?
389
00:28:04,842 --> 00:28:07,538
Get that damned little
swine out of here!
390
00:28:09,647 --> 00:28:13,447
It's trying to get itself in with you.
It's trying for even more advantage.
391
00:28:13,551 --> 00:28:15,712
It's obsessed with its gut.
It's like a bloody rugby ball now.
392
00:28:15,820 --> 00:28:19,118
- It will die! It will die!
- Monty. Monty.
393
00:28:19,222 --> 00:28:22,020
No, no, dear boy.
You must leave.
394
00:28:22,125 --> 00:28:24,491
Yet again, that oaf
has destroyed my day.
395
00:28:24,594 --> 00:28:27,620
Listen, Monty. Could I just have
a quick word with you? In private?
396
00:28:27,731 --> 00:28:29,892
Oh... very well.
397
00:28:41,377 --> 00:28:44,369
- Good night, my dears.
- Good night, Monty.
398
00:28:44,480 --> 00:28:47,938
What's all this going off in private
business? Why did you tell him I went to Eton?
399
00:28:48,050 --> 00:28:50,883
Because it wouldn't
have helped if I hadn't.
400
00:28:50,986 --> 00:28:54,216
I'm just trying to establish you
in some sort of context he'd understand.
401
00:28:54,322 --> 00:28:58,019
- What do you mean by that?
- I mean, free to those who can afford it.
402
00:28:58,126 --> 00:29:00,890
Very expensive
to those that can't.
403
00:29:08,602 --> 00:29:12,197
"All Along the Watchtower"]
404
00:29:45,137 --> 00:29:49,301
- Scrubbers!
- Up yours, Granddad!
405
00:29:49,408 --> 00:29:52,935
- Scrubbers! Scrubbers!
- Shut up!
406
00:29:53,044 --> 00:29:56,241
Little tarts.
They love it.
407
00:29:56,348 --> 00:29:59,339
I'm trying to drive this thing
as quietly as possible.
408
00:29:59,450 --> 00:30:03,216
If you don't shut up,
we'll get stopped by the police.
409
00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:06,483
- Give me the bottle.
- Look at that. Look at that.
410
00:30:06,590 --> 00:30:09,821
"Accident black spot. "
These aren't accidents!
411
00:30:09,927 --> 00:30:13,419
They're throwing themselves
into the road! Gladly!
412
00:30:13,531 --> 00:30:17,728
Throwing themselves into the road
to escape all this hideousness!
413
00:30:17,834 --> 00:30:20,701
Throw yourself
into the road, darling!
414
00:30:20,804 --> 00:30:23,364
You haven't got a chance!
415
00:31:00,475 --> 00:31:04,103
At some point or another,
I want to stop and get hold of a child.
416
00:31:04,211 --> 00:31:06,111
What do you want a child for?
417
00:31:06,213 --> 00:31:08,340
To tutor it in the ways
of righteousness...
418
00:31:08,448 --> 00:31:10,746
and procure some
uncontaminated urine.
419
00:31:10,851 --> 00:31:15,185
This is a device enabling the drunken
driver to operate in absolute safety.
420
00:31:15,288 --> 00:31:20,190
You fill this with piss,
take this pipe down the trouser...
421
00:31:20,292 --> 00:31:24,456
and cellotape this valve
to the end of the old chap.
422
00:31:24,563 --> 00:31:28,431
Then you get horribly drunk,
and they can't fucking touch you.
423
00:31:28,534 --> 00:31:31,526
According
to these instructions,
424
00:31:31,637 --> 00:31:34,697
you refuse everything
but a urine sample.
425
00:31:34,807 --> 00:31:37,536
You undo your valve...
426
00:31:37,642 --> 00:31:41,237
and give 'em a dose
of unadulterated child's piss,
427
00:31:41,346 --> 00:31:44,372
and they have to give you
your keys back.
428
00:31:44,482 --> 00:31:48,578
Danny's a genius.
I'm gonna have a doze.
429
00:33:10,096 --> 00:33:12,690
- Are we there?
- No, we're not. We're here.
430
00:33:12,799 --> 00:33:16,131
We're in the middle
of a fucking gale.
431
00:33:16,234 --> 00:33:18,794
You'll have to keep
a look out your side.
432
00:33:18,904 --> 00:33:21,737
If you see anything, tell me.
Get hold of that map.
433
00:33:21,840 --> 00:33:24,570
- Where's the whiskey?
- What for?
434
00:33:24,676 --> 00:33:27,236
I got a bastard
behind the eyes.
435
00:33:27,346 --> 00:33:30,144
I can't take aspirins
without a drink.
436
00:33:30,248 --> 00:33:33,148
- Where's the aspirins?
- Probably in the bathroom.
437
00:33:33,250 --> 00:33:36,947
We've come out here in the middle
of nowhere without aspirins?
438
00:33:37,054 --> 00:33:40,319
- Where are we?
- How should I know where we are?
439
00:33:40,424 --> 00:33:43,825
I feel like a pig
shat in my head.
440
00:33:43,928 --> 00:33:47,488
Get hold of that map and look
for a place called Crow Crag.
441
00:34:04,613 --> 00:34:08,447
There must and shall be aspirin.
442
00:34:09,752 --> 00:34:12,812
Give me the keys.
Get out of the way.
443
00:34:12,921 --> 00:34:16,618
If I don't get aspirin,
I shall die...
444
00:34:16,725 --> 00:34:20,626
here on this
fucking mountainside!
445
00:34:35,977 --> 00:34:38,274
Christ Almighty!
446
00:35:12,877 --> 00:35:15,107
Monty.
447
00:35:32,029 --> 00:35:36,898
- What are you doing?
- Sitting down to enjoy my holiday.
448
00:35:39,737 --> 00:35:43,035
Right. Now, we're gonna have to
approach this scientifically.
449
00:35:43,139 --> 00:35:45,937
First thing we've got to do
is get this fire alight.
450
00:35:46,042 --> 00:35:48,272
Then we split into two
fact-finding groups.
451
00:35:48,377 --> 00:35:50,811
I'll deal with the water
and other plumbing.
452
00:35:50,913 --> 00:35:53,575
You can check the fuel
and wood situation.
453
00:35:57,720 --> 00:36:00,620
- What's that?
- The fuel and wood situation.
454
00:36:00,722 --> 00:36:03,714
There's nothing out there
except a hurricane.
455
00:36:07,729 --> 00:36:10,857
- This place is uninhabitable.
- Give it a chance. It's got to warm up.
456
00:36:10,966 --> 00:36:14,060
Warm up? We may as well
sit around a cigarette.
457
00:36:14,169 --> 00:36:16,728
This is ridiculous.
458
00:36:16,837 --> 00:36:20,170
We'll be found dead
in here next spring.
459
00:36:21,408 --> 00:36:24,172
I've got a blinding
fucking headache.
460
00:36:24,278 --> 00:36:26,838
We must have heat.
461
00:36:30,084 --> 00:36:32,313
We've got to keep
this bastard burning.
462
00:36:32,418 --> 00:36:35,080
Well, we've got enough
furniture for tonight.
463
00:36:35,188 --> 00:36:38,089
Tomorrow we'll go down
that farm and get some logs.
464
00:36:38,191 --> 00:36:42,389
Mistake, I'm telling you.
This was a dreadful mistake.
465
00:38:53,418 --> 00:38:55,978
- Who's there?
- Me.
466
00:38:59,423 --> 00:39:01,323
What do you want?
467
00:39:01,425 --> 00:39:04,656
I'm a friend of Montague Withnail's.
He's lent us his cottage.
468
00:39:04,762 --> 00:39:09,222
I wondered if you could
sell us some food... eggs and things.
469
00:39:09,333 --> 00:39:11,893
Hmm?
470
00:39:14,038 --> 00:39:17,564
What about wood and coal?
471
00:39:17,674 --> 00:39:20,643
I'm not from London, you know.
472
00:39:20,743 --> 00:39:24,008
I don't care
where you come from!
473
00:39:24,113 --> 00:39:26,980
Not the attitude
I'd been given to expect...
474
00:39:27,083 --> 00:39:29,313
from the H.E. Bates novel
I'd read.
475
00:39:29,419 --> 00:39:34,151
I thought they'd all be out the back,
drinking cider, discussing butter.
476
00:39:34,256 --> 00:39:36,156
Clearly a myth.
477
00:39:36,258 --> 00:39:40,354
Evidently, country people are no more
receptive to strangers than city dwellers.
478
00:39:43,432 --> 00:39:47,334
Do you think you could tell me
where I could buy some coal and wood?
479
00:39:47,436 --> 00:39:50,563
You'll have to see me son.
He runs this farm.
480
00:39:50,671 --> 00:39:53,663
- Where is your son?
- Up in top fields.
481
00:39:53,774 --> 00:39:57,870
You can't miss him.
His leg's bound in polythene.
482
00:40:22,334 --> 00:40:25,735
Wake up, you bastard!
Wake up!
483
00:40:27,373 --> 00:40:30,706
Wake up, you bastard!
You gotta get wood.
484
00:40:32,644 --> 00:40:34,874
Jesus! You're covered in shit.
485
00:40:34,980 --> 00:40:36,880
I tried to get the fuel and wood.
486
00:40:36,982 --> 00:40:39,882
There's a miserable
little pensioner down there.
487
00:40:39,984 --> 00:40:42,714
- She wouldn't give it to me.
- Where are we gonna get it, then?
488
00:40:42,820 --> 00:40:45,118
There's a man on the mountain.
489
00:40:45,223 --> 00:40:48,750
Why he's up there fuck knows.
490
00:40:48,860 --> 00:40:51,590
But he's up there
with a leg in polythene.
491
00:40:51,696 --> 00:40:54,095
You can't miss him.
He's your man.
492
00:40:54,197 --> 00:40:56,893
And have another look
in that shed. Find anything.
493
00:40:57,000 --> 00:40:59,901
If you can't find anything,
bring in the shed.
494
00:41:04,341 --> 00:41:07,469
How come Monty owns
such a horrible little shack?
495
00:41:07,577 --> 00:41:09,511
No idea.
496
00:41:09,613 --> 00:41:12,172
You never discuss
your family, do you?
497
00:41:12,281 --> 00:41:15,079
I fail to see my family
as of any interest to you.
498
00:41:15,184 --> 00:41:17,744
I have absolutely
no interest in yours.
499
00:41:17,853 --> 00:41:21,482
I dislike relatives in general,
my own in particular.
500
00:41:21,590 --> 00:41:24,923
- Why?
- Because... I've told you why.
501
00:41:25,027 --> 00:41:28,985
We're incompatible.
They don't like me being on stage.
502
00:41:29,097 --> 00:41:31,759
Then they must be delighted
with your career.
503
00:41:31,866 --> 00:41:34,528
- What do you mean?
- You rarely are.
504
00:41:34,636 --> 00:41:36,831
You just wait!
Just you wait!
505
00:41:36,938 --> 00:41:39,998
When I strike, they
won't know what hit them.
506
00:41:40,108 --> 00:41:42,303
Tractor approaching.
507
00:41:42,410 --> 00:41:45,378
Now get after him.
That's the man.
508
00:41:47,848 --> 00:41:51,113
- Hey, stop!
- Stop!
509
00:41:51,218 --> 00:41:53,186
Stop! Please!
510
00:41:53,287 --> 00:41:55,983
Stop, please!
Please stop!
511
00:41:59,158 --> 00:42:01,854
Please stop!
512
00:42:01,961 --> 00:42:04,862
- Are you the farmer?
- Shut up! I'll deal with this!
513
00:42:04,964 --> 00:42:07,057
We've gone on holiday
by mistake.
514
00:42:07,166 --> 00:42:09,532
We're in this cottage here.
Are you the farmer?
515
00:42:09,635 --> 00:42:12,695
Stop saying that, Withnail!
Of course he's the fucking farmer!
516
00:42:12,805 --> 00:42:15,932
We're friends
of Montague Withnail.
517
00:42:16,041 --> 00:42:18,635
We desperately need
fuel and wood.
518
00:42:18,743 --> 00:42:22,042
Montague Withnail.
You must know him!
519
00:42:22,147 --> 00:42:24,308
Fat man, owns the cottage.
520
00:42:24,416 --> 00:42:27,317
I seen a fat man.
London type. Queer sort.
521
00:42:27,419 --> 00:42:29,649
Think his name's French, or summit.
522
00:42:29,754 --> 00:42:32,381
- French?
- Aye. Adriene De La Touche.
523
00:42:32,490 --> 00:42:35,050
He ain't been here
for a couple of years.
524
00:42:35,159 --> 00:42:38,458
- Last time I saw him he was with his son.
- Yeah, that's him.
525
00:42:38,562 --> 00:42:42,760
Listen, we're bona fide. We're not from
London. Could we have some fuel and wood?
526
00:42:42,867 --> 00:42:46,234
I could bring you some logs up later.
I've got the cows to feed first.
527
00:42:46,337 --> 00:42:48,770
- When?
- Shut up! That would be very kind.
528
00:42:48,872 --> 00:42:52,035
What about food? Do you think
you could sell us something to eat?
529
00:42:52,142 --> 00:42:55,111
I could bring you a chicken,
but you'll have to go to the village.
530
00:42:55,211 --> 00:42:57,270
- That would be very kind, Mr...
- Parkin.
531
00:42:57,380 --> 00:43:00,281
Mr. Parkin.
What happened to your leg?
532
00:43:00,383 --> 00:43:03,716
Got a randy bull up there.
Give me one in the knee.
533
00:43:17,332 --> 00:43:20,199
You wanna go out back?
Get some spuds up?
534
00:43:20,302 --> 00:43:24,032
Sorry, I can't.
My boots are in the oven.
535
00:43:24,138 --> 00:43:26,868
- You'd go if you had boots?
536
00:43:26,974 --> 00:43:28,965
Gladly.
537
00:43:54,233 --> 00:43:56,724
- I've got one!
538
00:44:22,393 --> 00:44:25,624
- Great. How much do we owe you?
- Pay us when you come down.
539
00:44:25,730 --> 00:44:27,993
- What about this chicken?
- He's on the back.
540
00:44:38,575 --> 00:44:41,510
With. With.
541
00:44:41,612 --> 00:44:44,705
Parkin's been.
There's our supper.
542
00:44:44,814 --> 00:44:47,612
- What are we supposed to do with that?
- Eat it.
543
00:44:47,717 --> 00:44:49,651
Eat it?
The fucker's alive.
544
00:44:49,752 --> 00:44:51,652
- Yeah, I know that. You've gotta kill it.
- Me?
545
00:44:51,754 --> 00:44:55,781
- I'm fire lighter and fuel collector.
- Yeah, I know that, but I got the logs in.
546
00:45:00,295 --> 00:45:02,991
It takes away your appetite
looking at it.
547
00:45:03,098 --> 00:45:05,589
No, it doesn't.
I'm starving.
548
00:45:05,700 --> 00:45:08,828
- How can we make it die?
- You have to throttle them.
549
00:45:08,937 --> 00:45:13,567
I think you should strangle it instantly,
in case it starts to make friends with us.
550
00:45:13,675 --> 00:45:17,440
All right, get hold of it.
You hold it down. I'll strangle it.
551
00:45:17,544 --> 00:45:21,605
I can't. Those dreadful, beady eyes.
They stare you out.
552
00:45:21,715 --> 00:45:25,583
It's a bloody chicken! Just think
of it with bacon across its back.
553
00:45:25,686 --> 00:45:28,211
All right,
I'll deal with this.
554
00:45:28,322 --> 00:45:30,882
You'll have to get
its guts out.
555
00:45:38,264 --> 00:45:41,392
Never point guns at people!
It's extremely dangerous.
556
00:45:41,501 --> 00:45:44,334
What about this roasting dish?
What are we gonna cook it in?
557
00:45:44,437 --> 00:45:48,168
You're the food and plumbings man. I have
no idea. I wish I'd found this an hour ago.
558
00:45:48,274 --> 00:45:51,037
I'd have taken great pleasure
in gunning this pullet down.
559
00:45:54,479 --> 00:45:57,505
- Shouldn't it be more bald than that?
- No, it shouldn't.
560
00:45:57,616 --> 00:46:02,212
Right. We're gonna
have to reverse the roles.
561
00:46:02,321 --> 00:46:06,518
We can bake the potatoes
in the oven...
562
00:46:06,624 --> 00:46:09,320
and we can boil
this bastard over the fire.
563
00:46:09,427 --> 00:46:12,191
- Let's get its feet off.
- No.
564
00:46:12,296 --> 00:46:14,787
It's gonna need its feet.
565
00:46:29,979 --> 00:46:32,709
It can stand with its legs
on either side of that.
566
00:46:40,189 --> 00:46:43,454
I've already put
two shilling pieces in.
567
00:46:43,559 --> 00:46:46,323
No, I haven't got another.
568
00:46:46,428 --> 00:46:49,727
It's not my fault
if the system doesn't work.
569
00:46:52,134 --> 00:46:54,499
The bitch hung up on me.
570
00:47:08,883 --> 00:47:11,851
Hello? How are you?
571
00:47:11,952 --> 00:47:14,614
Very well.
572
00:47:14,721 --> 00:47:19,090
A what? Why
wouldn't they see me?
573
00:47:19,192 --> 00:47:21,558
This is ridiculous.
574
00:47:21,661 --> 00:47:24,357
I haven't been up for a job
in three months!
575
00:47:24,464 --> 00:47:27,955
Understudy Constantine?
I'm not going to understudy Constantine.
576
00:47:28,067 --> 00:47:30,297
Why can't I play the part?
577
00:47:30,403 --> 00:47:32,633
This is ridiculous.
578
00:47:32,738 --> 00:47:35,605
No, I'm not in London.
Penrith.
579
00:47:35,708 --> 00:47:37,835
Penrith!
580
00:47:37,943 --> 00:47:39,968
Well, what about TV?
581
00:47:41,213 --> 00:47:43,976
Listen, I pay you
ten percent to do that.
582
00:47:44,082 --> 00:47:47,643
Well, lick ten percent
of the asses for me, then!
583
00:47:47,752 --> 00:47:50,482
Hello? Hello? Hello?
584
00:47:50,588 --> 00:47:55,150
Hello? How dare you?
Fuck you!
585
00:47:57,662 --> 00:48:02,462
The bastard asked me to understudy
Constantine in The Seagull.
586
00:48:04,802 --> 00:48:08,932
I don't want to understudy anybody,
especially that little pimp.
587
00:48:10,441 --> 00:48:13,035
Anyway, I loathe
those Russian plays.
588
00:48:13,143 --> 00:48:16,044
Always full of women
staring out of windows,
589
00:48:16,146 --> 00:48:18,204
whining about ducks
going to Moscow.
590
00:48:28,925 --> 00:48:31,553
What do you think
of Desmond Wolfe?
591
00:48:31,661 --> 00:48:34,788
- In respect of what?
- I'm thinking of changing my name.
592
00:48:34,896 --> 00:48:38,059
It's too like Donald Wolfit.
593
00:48:38,166 --> 00:48:40,191
Changeover point.
594
00:48:44,806 --> 00:48:47,366
- Think he's happier than us?
- No.
595
00:48:52,546 --> 00:48:54,673
I suppose happiness
is relative.
596
00:48:54,782 --> 00:48:57,512
I never thought it would be
a polythene bag without a hole in it.
597
00:48:57,618 --> 00:49:00,746
- Hey!
- What's the matter with him?
598
00:49:00,855 --> 00:49:04,188
- Shut the gate!
- You didn't shut the gate!
599
00:49:04,291 --> 00:49:06,281
Stop that bull!
600
00:49:08,127 --> 00:49:10,425
Stop that bull!
601
00:49:13,733 --> 00:49:16,793
Grab its ring!
Keep your bag up!
602
00:49:16,903 --> 00:49:19,269
Out-mind him.
603
00:49:19,372 --> 00:49:22,397
Hey, show no fear.
Just run at it.
604
00:49:22,508 --> 00:49:24,840
That can't be sensible, can it?
The bastard's about to run at me!
605
00:49:24,943 --> 00:49:27,241
- Well, he's randy!
- Yes, I know he is!
606
00:49:27,346 --> 00:49:29,644
Wants to get down there
and have sex with those cows.
607
00:49:29,748 --> 00:49:31,875
Shut up!
608
00:49:31,984 --> 00:49:36,080
- Run at it, shouting!
- Do as he says, start shouting.
609
00:49:38,489 --> 00:49:42,152
- He won't gore you.
- A coward you are, Withnail!
610
00:49:42,260 --> 00:49:45,491
An expert on bulls
you are not!
611
00:49:57,941 --> 00:49:59,841
Shut that gate
and keep it shut!
612
00:50:02,746 --> 00:50:05,647
I think an evening at the Crow.
613
00:50:08,418 --> 00:50:12,251
If the Crow and Crown
ever had life, it was dead now.
614
00:50:12,354 --> 00:50:14,879
It was like
walking into a lung,
615
00:50:14,990 --> 00:50:19,222
a sulfer-stained, nicotine
yellow and fly-blown lung.
616
00:50:19,328 --> 00:50:23,458
Its landlord was a retired alcoholic
with military pretensions...
617
00:50:23,566 --> 00:50:25,932
and a complexion
like the inside of a teapot.
618
00:50:26,936 --> 00:50:30,200
By the time the doors opened,
he was arse-holed on rum...
619
00:50:30,305 --> 00:50:32,432
and got progressively
more arse-holed...
620
00:50:32,540 --> 00:50:35,805
till he could take no more
621
00:50:38,746 --> 00:50:41,442
We'll have another pair
of large scotches.
622
00:50:59,099 --> 00:51:02,033
Thought I was going
for a minute.
623
00:51:02,134 --> 00:51:04,125
No man's put me down yet.
624
00:51:04,236 --> 00:51:06,329
Have you had any training
in the martial arts?
625
00:51:06,439 --> 00:51:08,839
Yes, as a matter of fact,
I have.
626
00:51:08,941 --> 00:51:11,808
Before I became a journalist,
I was in the Territorials.
627
00:51:11,911 --> 00:51:14,709
You know,
when you first came in,
628
00:51:14,814 --> 00:51:17,782
I knew you were a services man.
629
00:51:17,882 --> 00:51:21,340
You could never, never disguise it.
630
00:51:23,955 --> 00:51:27,186
- What were you in?
- Tanks.
631
00:51:27,292 --> 00:51:30,557
Africa Corps.
Little before your time.
632
00:51:30,662 --> 00:51:33,391
I don't suppose you've
engaged, have you?
633
00:51:33,497 --> 00:51:37,661
- Ireland.
- Ooh, crack at the Mick?
634
00:51:37,768 --> 00:51:40,703
We'll have another pair
of large scotches.
635
00:51:40,804 --> 00:51:43,364
These shall be my pleasure.
636
00:51:48,746 --> 00:51:50,713
What are you doing
up here, then?
637
00:51:50,813 --> 00:51:52,781
We're doing
a feature for Country Life.
638
00:51:52,882 --> 00:51:54,782
Survey of rural types.
639
00:51:54,884 --> 00:51:59,218
You know, farmers,
traveling tinkers,
640
00:51:59,322 --> 00:52:01,688
milkmen, that sort of thing.
641
00:52:01,791 --> 00:52:03,691
Have you...
642
00:52:06,194 --> 00:52:08,321
Have you metJake?
643
00:52:08,430 --> 00:52:10,990
Poacher.
Works the lake.
644
00:52:11,099 --> 00:52:14,626
But, uh, keep it
under your hat, hmm?
645
00:52:25,479 --> 00:52:27,572
What's all this army bollocks?
646
00:52:27,682 --> 00:52:30,310
We got a drink, didn't we?
647
00:52:33,054 --> 00:52:35,614
Time, gentlemen.
648
00:52:37,958 --> 00:52:39,948
I think he means it.
649
00:53:11,023 --> 00:53:14,116
- Go ask him if we can have one.
- What for?
650
00:53:14,225 --> 00:53:17,854
So we can eat it.
We're fed up with stew!
651
00:53:24,202 --> 00:53:27,194
Excuse me.
Could we have an eel?
652
00:53:27,305 --> 00:53:30,899
- You've got eels down your leg.
- You leave them alone.
653
00:53:31,007 --> 00:53:34,841
Nothing down there
of interest to you.
654
00:53:34,945 --> 00:53:37,709
Help us out, Raymond.
655
00:53:37,814 --> 00:53:41,978
These be fed
from asshole to beak.
656
00:53:43,820 --> 00:53:47,846
How about one of those pheasants?
Go on, ask him.
657
00:53:49,625 --> 00:53:53,391
Excuse me. We were wondering if we
could purchase a pheasant off of you?
658
00:53:53,496 --> 00:53:55,828
No. I've got nothing to sell.
659
00:53:55,931 --> 00:53:58,900
Come on, old boy.
What's in your hump?
660
00:53:59,001 --> 00:54:03,903
Now look, you. Them pheasants are
for his pot. These here are for my pot.
661
00:54:04,005 --> 00:54:06,940
Now what makes you think I should
give you something for your pot?
662
00:54:07,041 --> 00:54:09,805
- What pot?
- Our cooking pot.
663
00:54:09,911 --> 00:54:13,608
He knows. Hey, give us
a wheeze on that fag.
664
00:54:17,417 --> 00:54:20,853
I might come and see you lads in a week.
I might fetch you up a rabbit.
665
00:54:20,954 --> 00:54:23,718
We don't want a rabbit.
We want a pheasant.
666
00:54:23,824 --> 00:54:26,850
Listen, you young prat.
I ain't got no pheasants.
667
00:54:26,960 --> 00:54:29,485
I ain't got no birds,
no more than you have.
668
00:54:29,596 --> 00:54:32,724
Of course you have.
You're the poacher.
669
00:54:32,833 --> 00:54:35,824
If I hear more words
out of you,
670
00:54:35,935 --> 00:54:39,166
I'll put one of these here
black pods on you.
671
00:54:39,272 --> 00:54:42,332
- Don't threaten me with a dead fish.
- Half dead, he may be.
672
00:54:42,441 --> 00:54:46,104
But I'll come up after you,
and I'll wake you up with a live one.
673
00:54:46,212 --> 00:54:50,170
Sod your pheasants!
You'll have to find us first.
674
00:54:50,282 --> 00:54:53,115
I know where you are,
at Crow Crag.
675
00:54:53,218 --> 00:54:55,311
I've been watching you.
676
00:54:55,420 --> 00:54:58,184
Especially you,
prancing like a tit.
677
00:54:59,958 --> 00:55:02,756
You want working on, boy.
678
00:55:02,861 --> 00:55:06,660
If I see that silage heap
hanging about up here,
679
00:55:06,764 --> 00:55:09,995
I'll take the bastard
axe to him!
680
00:55:10,100 --> 00:55:14,002
Bastards!
You'll all suffer!
681
00:55:14,104 --> 00:55:16,572
I'll show the lot of you!
682
00:55:16,674 --> 00:55:20,110
I'm gonna be a star!
683
00:55:23,913 --> 00:55:26,006
Vegetables again.
684
00:55:26,082 --> 00:55:28,744
I'll be sprouting
bloody feelers soon.
685
00:55:28,852 --> 00:55:31,719
Must be 20,000 sheep
out there on those volcanoes,
686
00:55:31,821 --> 00:55:34,415
and we got a plate
full of carrots.
687
00:55:34,524 --> 00:55:37,891
- There's black puddings in it.
- Black puddings are no good to us.
688
00:55:37,994 --> 00:55:40,791
I want something's flesh!
689
00:55:52,374 --> 00:55:55,138
Look! Come here!
Down here. Look.
690
00:55:55,244 --> 00:55:57,973
Under the rock. I can see it.
691
00:55:59,213 --> 00:56:01,909
See him? Look.
692
00:56:02,016 --> 00:56:04,246
He's over there.
Look. Here.
693
00:56:04,352 --> 00:56:07,185
There's two of them here.
Look. Come on, come on.
694
00:56:07,288 --> 00:56:09,449
Where?
695
00:56:32,578 --> 00:56:35,775
I think I'll call myself
Donald Twain.
696
00:56:36,882 --> 00:56:41,012
Stop. Get down.
697
00:56:42,588 --> 00:56:45,055
It's him.
What does he want?
698
00:56:45,156 --> 00:56:48,523
- Go down there and ask him.
- Don't be a fool. He's got a gun.
699
00:56:48,626 --> 00:56:51,288
Bastard's psychotic.
You've only got to look at him.
700
00:57:01,605 --> 00:57:04,836
This place has become impossible.
701
00:57:04,942 --> 00:57:08,400
Perpetual rain, freezing cold.
702
00:57:08,512 --> 00:57:11,276
Now a bloody madman
on the prowl outside with eels.
703
00:57:11,381 --> 00:57:14,145
All right,
you made your point.
704
00:57:14,251 --> 00:57:17,413
We pack up.
We get out tomorrow.
705
00:57:17,520 --> 00:57:19,613
- What are you doing?
- I'm going for a slash.
706
00:57:19,722 --> 00:57:22,316
No, you're not. I can't get
my boots on when they're hot.
707
00:57:22,425 --> 00:57:25,155
- I'll go alone.
- You're not leaving me in here alone.
708
00:57:25,261 --> 00:57:28,822
- Those are the kind of windows faces look in at.
- Then I won't have a slash.
709
00:57:28,931 --> 00:57:31,161
And in both our interests, I think
we should sleep together tonight.
710
00:57:31,267 --> 00:57:34,326
Don't be ridiculous.
He's not gonna come up here in the dark.
711
00:57:34,436 --> 00:57:36,836
Of course he is.
If he catches one of us,
712
00:57:36,938 --> 00:57:39,668
he's got a better chance
of dealing with the other.
713
00:57:39,774 --> 00:57:42,368
No.
714
00:57:55,422 --> 00:57:58,789
What's the matter with you?
What are you laughing at?
715
00:57:58,892 --> 00:58:01,258
I was dreaming.
What do you want?
716
00:58:01,362 --> 00:58:04,820
You frightened the piss out of me.
Move over. I'm getting in.
717
00:58:09,369 --> 00:58:12,861
Oh, this is ridiculous.
I'll have to sleep in your bed.
718
00:58:12,972 --> 00:58:15,372
- I'll have to come with you.
- Will you get out?
719
00:58:15,475 --> 00:58:18,239
- No.
- All right, then I will.
720
00:58:26,685 --> 00:58:29,586
All right, you can stay,
but the gun doesn't.
721
00:58:29,688 --> 00:58:32,384
No. I have to keep the gun.
I intend to remain awake.
722
00:58:32,491 --> 00:58:35,085
- This is my bed, and I demand precedence.
- No!
723
00:58:40,831 --> 00:58:44,062
Mad fucking bastard!
724
00:59:06,723 --> 00:59:09,692
Shhh! Shhh!
725
00:59:09,793 --> 00:59:12,920
- Listen.
- There is nothing! Get to bed!
726
00:59:13,028 --> 00:59:15,428
I heard a noise.
727
00:59:15,531 --> 00:59:17,431
I must get in.
728
00:59:19,234 --> 00:59:22,692
Oh, for fuck's sake.
729
00:59:22,805 --> 00:59:25,000
- What was that?
- That's it. That's it.
730
00:59:25,107 --> 00:59:27,701
- What is it?
- It's the killer.
731
00:59:27,810 --> 00:59:31,768
- It's probably foxes looking for grub.
- Listen. Listen.
732
00:59:31,879 --> 00:59:34,609
Maybe it's the farmer.
733
00:59:34,715 --> 00:59:38,549
At 2:00 in the morning?
It's the killer.
734
00:59:38,653 --> 00:59:42,145
He's come to kill us.
What are we gonna do?
735
00:59:44,725 --> 00:59:47,659
He wants to come in.
He's trying to get in.
736
00:59:47,761 --> 00:59:50,753
He can't. He'll go away.
737
00:59:50,864 --> 00:59:52,957
He's going away.
738
00:59:58,338 --> 01:00:00,465
This is all your fault.
739
01:00:00,574 --> 01:00:03,542
You've even given him
the fucking gun.
740
01:00:08,447 --> 01:00:11,644
He's coming through the window.
He's getting in.
741
01:00:11,750 --> 01:00:14,913
- Give me the matches.
- Downstairs.
742
01:00:16,589 --> 01:00:21,150
He's in.
He's sharpening a fucking knife.
743
01:00:23,361 --> 01:00:26,762
We'll have to tackle him. You stay
in bed, pretending to be asleep.
744
01:00:26,865 --> 01:00:29,766
He'll go for you.
When he does, I'll jump on his back.
745
01:00:29,868 --> 01:00:32,803
No, no, no. It'll be too late.
I'll be knifed by then.
746
01:00:32,904 --> 01:00:35,736
We'll have to try
and make friends with him.
747
01:00:41,778 --> 01:00:45,145
They're going into your room.
It's you he wants.
748
01:00:45,249 --> 01:00:48,412
Offer him yourself.
749
01:00:59,162 --> 01:01:02,495
We mean no harm!
750
01:01:02,598 --> 01:01:06,932
Oh, my boys!
My boys! Forgive me!
751
01:01:07,035 --> 01:01:11,131
- Monty! Monty, Monty!
- Monty, you terrible cunt!
752
01:01:11,239 --> 01:01:14,470
Forgive me. It was inconsiderate
of me not to have telegrammed.
753
01:01:14,576 --> 01:01:17,568
What are you doing, prowling around
in the middle of the fucking night!
754
01:01:17,679 --> 01:01:21,615
I had a punctured tire.
I had to wait an eon for assistance.
755
01:01:21,716 --> 01:01:25,014
I'm sorry if I frightened you.
I should have knocked, but...
756
01:01:25,119 --> 01:01:29,112
- I- I-I'll sleep in the other
room, if I may. - Anywhere you like.
757
01:01:29,223 --> 01:01:32,715
Uh, yes, well.
Uh... good night.
758
01:01:36,897 --> 01:01:40,059
Brrr! Ah, good morning.
Did you sleep well?
759
01:01:40,166 --> 01:01:42,066
Mm-hmm.
760
01:01:46,639 --> 01:01:50,006
Um, I-I-I do apologize
for last night.
761
01:01:50,109 --> 01:01:54,011
- It was perfectly inconsiderate of me.
- It's perfectly all right, Monty.
762
01:01:54,113 --> 01:01:56,945
- You've been busy in here?
- As a bee.
763
01:01:57,049 --> 01:02:00,985
- How did you repair the window?
- Oh, I didn't break it.
764
01:02:01,086 --> 01:02:05,750
Merely forced it a little.
Sorry if I frightened you.
765
01:02:05,857 --> 01:02:08,951
There was an empty
wine bottle on the ledge.
766
01:02:09,061 --> 01:02:12,189
Oh, tomatoes. Yes.
767
01:02:17,835 --> 01:02:21,293
Why don't you go and wake him?
Breakfast in 15 minutes.
768
01:02:21,405 --> 01:02:25,739
The old order changeth,
769
01:02:25,843 --> 01:02:29,334
yielding place to new.
770
01:02:29,446 --> 01:02:34,179
And God fulfills Himself
in many ways.
771
01:02:34,284 --> 01:02:36,752
And soon...
772
01:02:37,854 --> 01:02:40,152
I suppose...
773
01:02:40,257 --> 01:02:42,350
I shall be swept away...
774
01:02:42,459 --> 01:02:45,757
by some vulgar little tumor.
775
01:02:47,229 --> 01:02:49,663
Oh, my boys.
776
01:02:49,765 --> 01:02:53,223
My boys,
we're at the end of an age.
777
01:02:53,335 --> 01:02:56,634
We live in a land
of weather forecasts...
778
01:02:56,739 --> 01:02:59,640
and breakfasts that 'set in,'
779
01:02:59,742 --> 01:03:03,677
shat on by Tories,
shoveled up by Labor.
780
01:03:03,778 --> 01:03:07,578
And here we are... we three...
781
01:03:07,682 --> 01:03:12,085
perhaps the last island
of beauty in the world.
782
01:03:15,189 --> 01:03:19,056
Now, which of you is going to be
a splendid fellow...
783
01:03:19,159 --> 01:03:22,151
and go down to the Rolls
for the rest of the wine?
784
01:03:22,262 --> 01:03:25,527
- I will.
- No, I'd better go. I wanna dig the car out anyway.
785
01:03:25,632 --> 01:03:29,398
- But we have my car, dear boy.
- Yes, but if it rains, we're buggered.
786
01:03:29,503 --> 01:03:31,835
- I mean...
- Stranded!
787
01:03:31,938 --> 01:03:35,429
- We'll leave the car till later. Leave this to me.
- I'll come. I fancy a walk.
788
01:03:35,541 --> 01:03:39,375
No, I hear you're a little wizard in the
kitchen. I shall need you, to work the joint.
789
01:03:39,478 --> 01:03:44,347
- Yeah, you're the cook.
- And... what on earth are those?
790
01:03:44,450 --> 01:03:46,782
- We forgot to bring our Wellingtons.
- Oh, but how dreadful.
791
01:03:46,886 --> 01:03:50,117
Do you mean you've been up here in all this
beastly mud and oomska without Wellingtons?
792
01:03:50,222 --> 01:03:53,019
Well, this afternoon
I shall take you both into Penrith...
793
01:03:53,124 --> 01:03:56,753
and get you fitted with some
good quality rubber boots.
794
01:04:00,365 --> 01:04:03,857
Garlic, rosemary and salt.
795
01:04:05,603 --> 01:04:08,594
I brought two of these in case either
of you was any good in the kitchen.
796
01:04:08,706 --> 01:04:11,971
- I'm not.
- Of course you are. Cooking is one of the natural instincts.
797
01:04:12,076 --> 01:04:15,807
Listen, Monty.
This is all very kind of you,
798
01:04:15,913 --> 01:04:18,381
but I really think I ought to be
out there getting work done on the car.
799
01:04:18,482 --> 01:04:21,076
You haven't time.
We're taking late luncheon at 3:00.
800
01:04:21,185 --> 01:04:24,244
- I'm afraid we have to leave by 3:00, Monty.
- Leave?
801
01:04:24,354 --> 01:04:27,221
Oh, didn't he tell you?
We have to get back to sign on.
802
01:04:27,323 --> 01:04:32,818
- Sign on? At the Labor Exchange?
- Yeah.
803
01:04:32,929 --> 01:04:37,298
It's sort of fashionable, actually.
All the actors do it. Even Redgrave.
804
01:04:38,968 --> 01:04:43,336
But surely you could forego
for just this one occasion.
805
01:04:43,438 --> 01:04:46,271
I've come a very long way
to see you both.
806
01:04:46,375 --> 01:04:51,312
Can't, actually. I mean, I'd love to stay,
but he's more adamant to get back than I am.
807
01:04:51,413 --> 01:04:54,541
Then we must choose
our moment...
808
01:04:56,784 --> 01:05:00,049
and have a word with him.
809
01:05:02,656 --> 01:05:05,420
I'm sure together
we could persuade him.
810
01:05:07,995 --> 01:05:11,487
There. Now, garlic,
811
01:05:11,599 --> 01:05:14,260
rosemary and salt.
812
01:05:14,367 --> 01:05:17,564
I can never touch meat
until it's cooked.
813
01:05:17,670 --> 01:05:20,935
As a youth, I used to weep
in butcher shops.
814
01:05:21,040 --> 01:05:24,203
- I can't find the rosemary.
- Ah.
815
01:05:26,279 --> 01:05:29,146
Can't find the rosemary.
816
01:05:30,816 --> 01:05:32,784
I'm sure we could find it
together.
817
01:05:35,687 --> 01:05:38,781
- Perhaps it's in the other bag.
- Perhaps it is.
818
01:05:38,891 --> 01:05:40,791
Shall we look?
819
01:05:44,630 --> 01:05:47,154
Oh, sorry. Sherry's in there.
820
01:05:52,637 --> 01:05:55,697
What do you mean, "sorry"? What's
going on? What's he doing here?
821
01:05:55,807 --> 01:05:58,071
We can't stay.
He won't leave me alone.
822
01:05:58,176 --> 01:06:00,576
All right. We'll get the lunch done,
and then we'll leave.
823
01:06:02,312 --> 01:06:05,873
I'm afraid
we must drink from these.
824
01:06:10,954 --> 01:06:14,219
I trust their shapes
will not offend your palates.
825
01:06:14,324 --> 01:06:18,726
- Chin-chin.
- To a delightful weekend in the country.
826
01:06:43,251 --> 01:06:45,583
I do think you could have shaved.
827
01:06:45,687 --> 01:06:48,781
What on earth will people
think of me turning up with you two?
828
01:06:48,890 --> 01:06:51,188
You look like a pair
of farm hands.
829
01:06:57,264 --> 01:06:59,164
Tsk!
830
01:06:59,266 --> 01:07:01,166
This is most embarrassing.
831
01:07:03,403 --> 01:07:05,871
Get away from the car.
832
01:07:05,973 --> 01:07:08,873
Buy the Wellingtons.
833
01:07:08,975 --> 01:07:12,376
I'm going to buy some razors
and shaving soap.
834
01:07:12,478 --> 01:07:15,242
I'll see you over there
in half an hour.
835
01:07:15,348 --> 01:07:18,249
- Pair of blues.
- One each.
836
01:07:19,752 --> 01:07:22,220
- I think a drink, don't you?
- What about the Wellingtons?
837
01:07:22,321 --> 01:07:24,220
Oh, bollocks
to the Wellingtons.
838
01:07:24,322 --> 01:07:27,223
We'll tell them they had a farmer's
conference and had a run on them.
839
01:07:36,701 --> 01:07:39,795
Okay. Yeah. Promise.
840
01:07:39,905 --> 01:07:42,270
Bye.
841
01:07:45,576 --> 01:07:50,536
No, hasn't heard a thing.
Apparently, they're still seeing people.
842
01:07:50,648 --> 01:07:53,640
You don't want to go to Manchester
anyway. Play a bloody soldier?
843
01:07:53,751 --> 01:07:56,083
Don't I?
I damned well do.
844
01:07:56,186 --> 01:07:58,881
- It's a bloody good little theater.
- It's not much of a part, is it?
845
01:07:58,988 --> 01:08:00,956
Well, it's better than nothing.
846
01:08:01,057 --> 01:08:04,458
- They'll make you cut your hair.
- So what? You'd lose a leg.
847
01:08:04,561 --> 01:08:07,530
- Time gents, please.
- All right. We're gonna have to work quickly.
848
01:08:07,630 --> 01:08:11,293
A pair of quadruple whiskies
and another pair of pints, please.
849
01:08:15,470 --> 01:08:18,962
Where is he?
I'm utterly assholed.
850
01:08:19,074 --> 01:08:20,974
We're early.
851
01:08:22,978 --> 01:08:25,776
We want to get in there,
don't we?
852
01:08:25,881 --> 01:08:28,714
Eat some cake,
soak up the booze.
853
01:08:39,994 --> 01:08:42,292
- All right here?
- What do you want?
854
01:08:42,396 --> 01:08:46,525
- Cake. All right here?
- Uh, no. We're closing in a minute.
855
01:08:46,633 --> 01:08:49,033
We're leaving in a minute.
856
01:08:54,174 --> 01:08:58,372
- We want cake and tea.
- Didn't you hear?
857
01:08:58,478 --> 01:09:01,743
She said she'd closed.
What do you want in here?
858
01:09:01,848 --> 01:09:05,374
Cake.
What's it got to do with you?
859
01:09:05,484 --> 01:09:08,180
I happen to be the proprietor.
860
01:09:08,287 --> 01:09:10,721
Now, would you leave?
861
01:09:10,823 --> 01:09:14,020
Ah, I'm glad
you're the proprietor.
862
01:09:14,126 --> 01:09:17,061
I was gonna have to have
a word with you anyway.
863
01:09:17,162 --> 01:09:19,595
We're working on a film up here.
864
01:09:19,697 --> 01:09:22,222
Location, see.
865
01:09:22,333 --> 01:09:24,995
We might want to do
a film in here.
866
01:09:25,103 --> 01:09:29,733
- You're drunk.
- Just bring out the cakes. Cake and fine wine.
867
01:09:29,841 --> 01:09:33,174
- If you don't leave, we'll call the police.
- Balls!
868
01:09:33,277 --> 01:09:35,904
We want the finest wines
available to humanity.
869
01:09:36,013 --> 01:09:38,379
And we want them here,
and we want them now.
870
01:09:38,482 --> 01:09:40,848
Miss Blenehassitt, telephone the police.
871
01:09:40,951 --> 01:09:45,354
It's all right,
Miss Blenehassitt.
872
01:09:45,455 --> 01:09:49,653
I'm warning you,
if you do, you're fired.
873
01:09:49,760 --> 01:09:52,250
We're multimillionaires.
874
01:09:52,361 --> 01:09:54,693
We shall buy this place
and fire you immediately.
875
01:09:54,797 --> 01:09:59,734
Yes, we'll buy this place, and we'll
install a fucking jukebox in here...
876
01:09:59,835 --> 01:10:03,362
and liven
all of you stiffs up a bit.
877
01:10:03,472 --> 01:10:05,838
The police, Miss Blenehassitt.
878
01:10:05,941 --> 01:10:09,899
Just say there are a couple of drunks in the
Penrith Tea Rooms, and we want them removed.
879
01:10:10,011 --> 01:10:13,378
We are not drunks.
We are multimillionaires.
880
01:10:13,481 --> 01:10:16,882
Hurry up, Mabs.
We'll keep them here till they arrive.
881
01:10:16,985 --> 01:10:19,146
You won't keep us anywhere.
882
01:10:19,254 --> 01:10:21,381
We'll buy this place
and have it knocked down.
883
01:10:21,489 --> 01:10:23,787
- Right, right, right.
- Police, please.
884
01:10:23,892 --> 01:10:26,519
Right. We're going.
885
01:10:26,627 --> 01:10:29,619
Our car has arrived.
886
01:10:29,730 --> 01:10:32,255
We'll be back.
887
01:10:32,366 --> 01:10:36,359
We're coming back in here.
888
01:10:41,374 --> 01:10:44,036
- Where is he?
- Sulking up the hill.
889
01:10:44,143 --> 01:10:46,509
He says he won't come in
for lunch without an apology.
890
01:10:46,612 --> 01:10:49,012
Suits me.
He can eat his fucking radish.
891
01:10:50,783 --> 01:10:52,683
It's all your fault.
892
01:10:52,785 --> 01:10:56,687
- You lead him astray.
- I beg your pardon, Monty.
893
01:10:56,789 --> 01:11:00,918
Don't tell me you're not aware of it.
I know what you're up to, and so do you.
894
01:11:01,026 --> 01:11:04,518
- Sherry?
- Sherry? Oh, dear, no, no, no.
895
01:11:04,629 --> 01:11:09,191
I'd be sucked into his trap.
One of us has got to stay on guard.
896
01:11:09,301 --> 01:11:12,464
He's so mauve.
We don't know what he's planning.
897
01:11:23,013 --> 01:11:26,244
I'm preparing myself
to forgive you.
898
01:11:28,219 --> 01:11:31,153
I think
you've been punished enough.
899
01:11:32,889 --> 01:11:36,256
I think we'd better release you
from the l�gumes...
900
01:11:36,359 --> 01:11:38,850
and transfer your talents
to the meat.
901
01:11:46,336 --> 01:11:49,168
You shouldn't treat each other
so badly.
902
01:11:49,271 --> 01:11:52,365
This boy's been out there
frozen to the marrow,
903
01:11:52,474 --> 01:11:54,874
and you just sit in here
drinking.
904
01:11:54,977 --> 01:11:59,107
Come along. He's going to revitalize himself,
and you're going to finish the vegetables.
905
01:11:59,214 --> 01:12:01,648
- I don't know how to do them.
- Well, of course you don't.
906
01:12:01,750 --> 01:12:04,149
You are incapable of indulging
in anything but pleasure.
907
01:12:04,252 --> 01:12:07,187
Am I not right?
You don't deserve such loyalty.
908
01:12:07,288 --> 01:12:11,918
Now, come along. I'm going
to teach you how to peel a potato.
909
01:12:17,265 --> 01:12:20,495
Isn't it stimulating, getting back
to a basic sort of life for a while?
910
01:12:20,600 --> 01:12:23,364
- Yes.
- Surrounded by trees and nature,
911
01:12:23,470 --> 01:12:26,462
one feels a glorious stirring
of the senses...
912
01:12:26,573 --> 01:12:28,871
a rejection
of poisonous inhibition...
913
01:12:28,975 --> 01:12:31,466
and a fecund motion of the soul.
914
01:12:31,578 --> 01:12:36,640
Except, of course, the problems
tend to take the edge off the pleasure.
915
01:12:36,749 --> 01:12:41,243
I mean, with no proper facilities.
916
01:12:41,353 --> 01:12:45,050
All the glorious trials
of youth, dear boy.
917
01:12:45,157 --> 01:12:50,823
When I was a lad, I'd rocket off on my tandem
with Wrigglesworth, and we'd just ride and ride.
918
01:12:50,930 --> 01:12:55,696
And at night we'd find
some barn and fall asleep,
919
01:12:55,800 --> 01:12:59,361
with the perfumes of nature
sighing on our skin.
920
01:12:59,470 --> 01:13:02,997
Would it be in bad form
to plagiarize a toast?
921
01:13:03,107 --> 01:13:05,940
It depends entirely
on the quality of the wine.
922
01:13:06,044 --> 01:13:09,308
In this instance,
it most certainly would not.
923
01:13:09,413 --> 01:13:13,975
In that case, to a delightful
weekend in the country.
924
01:13:14,084 --> 01:13:15,984
Oh, splendid!
925
01:13:19,857 --> 01:13:22,655
We expected a volley of argument
concerning Mr. Redgrave.
926
01:13:22,759 --> 01:13:26,421
- We're forgetting aboutJake...
- Not another word.
927
01:13:26,529 --> 01:13:28,724
Not another word.
Jake can wait too.
928
01:13:28,831 --> 01:13:32,289
Jake isn't a friend, Monty.
I'd hoped to avoid telling you this,
929
01:13:32,401 --> 01:13:35,165
but there's a psychotic
on the prowl outside this house.
930
01:13:35,271 --> 01:13:39,105
Ask him if I exaggerate.
He's threatened us, and he's dangerous.
931
01:13:39,208 --> 01:13:41,233
Is this true?
932
01:13:41,343 --> 01:13:44,403
Well, there's this local type
hanging about.
933
01:13:44,512 --> 01:13:48,972
A poacher. We got into a tiff,
and he threatened me with a dead fish.
934
01:13:49,084 --> 01:13:51,848
Yes, it was rather amusing, actually.
935
01:13:51,953 --> 01:13:55,150
When you came in,
we thought it was him.
936
01:13:55,257 --> 01:13:59,352
And we thought that you
cleaning your boots...
937
01:13:59,460 --> 01:14:01,360
was him sharpening his knife.
938
01:14:04,164 --> 01:14:07,292
Oh, how delicious.
939
01:14:07,401 --> 01:14:10,928
Mmm, more meat?
940
01:14:11,038 --> 01:14:13,506
No, thank you.
I'll go out for a walk.
941
01:14:13,607 --> 01:14:17,633
Oh, wait for us to finish,
dear boy. We'll all go.
942
01:14:20,079 --> 01:14:24,175
Listen, I know what you're thinking,
but I had no alternative.
943
01:14:24,284 --> 01:14:27,048
The old bugger's come a long way, and
I didn't want to put the wind up him.
944
01:14:27,153 --> 01:14:29,314
Your sensitivity overwhelms me.
945
01:14:29,422 --> 01:14:32,948
If you think you're gonna have
a weekend's indulgence at his expense,
946
01:14:33,058 --> 01:14:35,618
which means him having
a weekend's indulgence at my expense,
947
01:14:35,727 --> 01:14:37,957
- you've got another thing coming.
- I give you my word.
948
01:14:38,063 --> 01:14:40,827
- We'll leave first thing tomorrow morning.
- Tomorrow? What about tonight?
949
01:14:40,933 --> 01:14:43,333
- He's not gonna try anything.
- Of course he is!
950
01:14:43,435 --> 01:14:47,268
- He means business.
- Anyway, he sent me out to tell you coffee's ready.
951
01:14:47,371 --> 01:14:50,772
I couldn't drink it. I've got
a cramp in the mouth from grinning.
952
01:14:50,875 --> 01:14:53,343
- Well, stop smiling at him.
- I can't help it.
953
01:14:53,444 --> 01:14:56,538
I'm so uptight with him,
I can't stop myself.
954
01:14:58,716 --> 01:15:02,516
"Laisse-moir respirir,
955
01:15:02,586 --> 01:15:07,488
longtemps longtemps
L 'odeur de tes cheveux. "
956
01:15:07,590 --> 01:15:10,753
Ah, Baudelaire.
957
01:15:10,860 --> 01:15:14,523
Brings back such memories
of Oxford!
958
01:15:14,631 --> 01:15:16,622
Oh, Oxford!
959
01:15:16,733 --> 01:15:20,259
Followed by yet another
anecdote about his sensitive crimes...
960
01:15:20,369 --> 01:15:22,530
in a punt with a chap
called Norman...
961
01:15:22,638 --> 01:15:24,538
who had red hair
and a book of poetry...
962
01:15:24,640 --> 01:15:26,767
stained with the butter drips
from crumpets.
963
01:15:26,875 --> 01:15:29,969
I often wonder
where Norman is now.
964
01:15:30,079 --> 01:15:32,377
Probably wintering
with his mother in Guildford.
965
01:15:32,481 --> 01:15:34,381
A cat and rain.
966
01:15:34,483 --> 01:15:36,382
Vim under the sink.
967
01:15:36,484 --> 01:15:39,510
And both bars on.
968
01:15:39,620 --> 01:15:42,521
But old now... old.
969
01:15:42,623 --> 01:15:45,285
There can be no true beauty
without decay.
970
01:15:45,393 --> 01:15:50,888
"A requiem for England. "
- How right you are. How right you are.
971
01:15:50,999 --> 01:15:54,490
We live in a kingdom of rains...
972
01:15:54,601 --> 01:15:58,401
where royalty comes in gangs.
973
01:15:58,505 --> 01:16:01,838
Come on, lads. Let's get home.
The sky is beginning to bruise.
974
01:16:01,942 --> 01:16:05,469
Night must fall,
and we shall be forced to camp.
975
01:16:07,114 --> 01:16:09,673
He's not in my room, all right?
That's the condition, all right?
976
01:16:09,782 --> 01:16:12,250
- All right.
- I want the room with the lock. Agree to that, or I'm off.
977
01:16:12,351 --> 01:16:14,251
All right. All right.
978
01:16:21,660 --> 01:16:25,595
Good ol'Jake, eh?
I told you. He's back.
979
01:16:25,697 --> 01:16:28,598
And that's precisely the reason
I'm off to London.
980
01:16:28,700 --> 01:16:31,396
Let's all have a good laugh,
eh, Withnail?
981
01:16:31,503 --> 01:16:34,597
Good ol'Jake is back.
982
01:16:34,706 --> 01:16:37,140
He's going away.
He's leaving.
983
01:16:37,242 --> 01:16:40,439
Come on. Let's pack up and get out
of here before it gets dark.
984
01:16:57,928 --> 01:17:01,658
"Here hare, here. "
985
01:17:02,765 --> 01:17:05,029
"Here hare, here. "
986
01:17:05,134 --> 01:17:07,034
Good ol'Jake.
987
01:17:16,378 --> 01:17:21,338
Ace bets.
Ace bets two and it's over to you.
988
01:17:21,416 --> 01:17:25,113
Your two and up two.
989
01:17:25,220 --> 01:17:27,120
- Mmm.
- So that's four?
990
01:17:27,222 --> 01:17:29,417
That's four.
991
01:17:31,358 --> 01:17:36,921
- Four.
- This is for the raise. We'll see the two.
992
01:17:37,031 --> 01:17:39,966
Now, last card up.
993
01:17:40,067 --> 01:17:42,092
"Looking a bit lonely, isn't he?"
994
01:17:42,203 --> 01:17:45,229
" He needs a queen
to come to the rescue. "
995
01:17:47,707 --> 01:17:50,437
And... oh!
996
01:17:53,413 --> 01:17:55,973
There she is.
997
01:17:56,082 --> 01:17:59,518
Oh!
998
01:18:03,755 --> 01:18:06,883
Well, it's the two queens
to beat.
999
01:18:20,905 --> 01:18:23,100
Another hand?
1000
01:18:26,978 --> 01:18:29,947
I think we'd better
get him to bed.
1001
01:18:30,047 --> 01:18:32,481
No, no. He's down here.
1002
01:18:34,852 --> 01:18:37,081
You're in my room,
I'm in his room and he's down here.
1003
01:18:37,187 --> 01:18:41,283
I wouldn't dream of depriving the dear fellow
of his bed, especially in that condition.
1004
01:18:41,391 --> 01:18:44,087
- But it's agreed. It's what he wants.
- No, I don't.
1005
01:18:44,194 --> 01:18:46,094
I wanna get to bed.
1006
01:18:47,664 --> 01:18:50,633
All right then, lovey.
Let's get you to bed.
1007
01:18:50,734 --> 01:18:53,167
Early night will do us both good.
1008
01:18:55,304 --> 01:18:59,400
- Night-night, then, Monty.
- I want to be alone!
1009
01:19:02,178 --> 01:19:04,078
I wanna be alone.
1010
01:19:26,533 --> 01:19:29,093
I think he'd better
sleep alone tonight.
1011
01:19:31,238 --> 01:19:35,675
- He doesn't want to sleep with you.
- Right.
1012
01:19:35,776 --> 01:19:39,268
Well, you're in there,
1013
01:19:39,379 --> 01:19:41,847
and I'll take these
and I'll have the couch.
1014
01:19:43,349 --> 01:19:45,783
I'll say good night, then, Monty.
1015
01:19:45,885 --> 01:19:50,117
You already have... twice.
1016
01:20:18,716 --> 01:20:22,277
What is it, Monty? I'm terribly tired.
I need to go to sleep.
1017
01:20:22,386 --> 01:20:25,822
But not that tired, eh?
1018
01:20:30,961 --> 01:20:35,954
- Are you a sponge or a stone?
- What do you mean?
1019
01:20:36,065 --> 01:20:39,557
Do you like to experience
all facets of life?
1020
01:20:39,669 --> 01:20:43,161
Or do you shut yourself off
from new experience?
1021
01:20:43,273 --> 01:20:45,537
- I voted Conservative.
- Are you faithful?
1022
01:20:45,642 --> 01:20:49,077
- To whom?
- Faithfulness isn't selective.
1023
01:20:49,177 --> 01:20:53,113
I agree. It's more a question of
selecting to whom one will be faithful.
1024
01:20:53,215 --> 01:20:57,413
- Have you selected?
- I'm terribly tired.
1025
01:20:57,519 --> 01:21:01,455
I've been watching you
all evening.
1026
01:21:01,556 --> 01:21:04,718
You've been avoiding my eyes,
haven't you?
1027
01:21:04,825 --> 01:21:07,225
- Your eyes?
- Mmm.
1028
01:21:07,328 --> 01:21:10,695
At luncheon, you couldn't tear
your gaze from mine.
1029
01:21:10,798 --> 01:21:13,358
This evening,
you barely looked at me.
1030
01:21:13,467 --> 01:21:15,628
What did he say to you?
1031
01:21:15,736 --> 01:21:18,603
- Nothing.
- You can tell me.
1032
01:21:18,706 --> 01:21:21,333
I assure you, nothing, M-Monty.
1033
01:21:21,441 --> 01:21:25,343
I'm terribly tired.
I need to go to bed.
1034
01:21:25,445 --> 01:21:28,380
Yes, you must, mustn't you?
1035
01:21:28,481 --> 01:21:31,109
Off you go, then.
1036
01:21:31,217 --> 01:21:33,310
I'll sleep here.
1037
01:21:33,420 --> 01:21:37,446
It won't be the first time
I've been left with the couch.
1038
01:21:54,365 --> 01:21:56,856
Boy.
1039
01:21:58,770 --> 01:22:01,568
Boy.
1040
01:22:01,672 --> 01:22:05,699
I know you're not asleep, boy.
1041
01:22:05,810 --> 01:22:09,644
But he is.
1042
01:22:09,746 --> 01:22:13,341
I've been into his room.
1043
01:22:13,450 --> 01:22:16,248
He won't hear a thing.
1044
01:22:19,222 --> 01:22:21,122
I know you're not asleep, boy.
1045
01:22:21,224 --> 01:22:24,387
No, I'm not.
What is it, Monty?
1046
01:22:24,494 --> 01:22:28,452
What do you want?
1047
01:22:28,564 --> 01:22:32,398
I had to come.
I tried not to.
1048
01:22:32,501 --> 01:22:35,129
Oh, how I tried not to.
1049
01:22:35,237 --> 01:22:37,535
Monty, there's something
I have to explain to you.
1050
01:22:37,640 --> 01:22:40,040
You needn't explain.
He's told me everything.
1051
01:22:40,142 --> 01:22:42,042
He told me that
first day you came to Chelsea.
1052
01:22:42,144 --> 01:22:46,671
- What's he told you?
- He told me about your arrest in the Tottenham Court Road.
1053
01:22:46,781 --> 01:22:49,249
He told me about your problems,
1054
01:22:49,350 --> 01:22:52,080
how you feel, your desires.
1055
01:22:52,187 --> 01:22:55,918
- Problems? What problems?
- You are a toilet trader.
1056
01:22:56,024 --> 01:22:58,652
- He told you that?
- You mustn't blame him.
1057
01:22:58,760 --> 01:23:02,923
You mustn't blame yourself. I know
how you feel and how difficult it is.
1058
01:23:03,030 --> 01:23:08,297
And that's why you mustn't hold back, let
it ruin your youth as I nearly did over Eric.
1059
01:23:08,402 --> 01:23:11,462
It's like a tide.
Give in to it, boy.
1060
01:23:11,572 --> 01:23:15,974
Go with it.
It's society's crime, not ours.
1061
01:23:16,075 --> 01:23:19,203
- I'm not homosexual, Monty.
- Yes, you are!
1062
01:23:19,312 --> 01:23:23,043
Of course you are. You're
simply blackmailing your emotions...
1063
01:23:23,149 --> 01:23:25,811
to avoid the realities
of your relationship with him.
1064
01:23:25,918 --> 01:23:29,046
- What are you talking about?
- You love him.
1065
01:23:29,155 --> 01:23:31,555
And it isn't his fault
he cannot love you...
1066
01:23:31,657 --> 01:23:34,682
any more than it's mine
that I adore you.
1067
01:23:38,463 --> 01:23:41,626
Couldn't we allow ourselves
just this one moment of indiscretion?
1068
01:23:41,733 --> 01:23:43,633
- No!
- He need never know.
1069
01:23:43,735 --> 01:23:46,829
I don't care what he knows! Monty,
you've gotta go! You've gotta leave!
1070
01:23:46,938 --> 01:23:49,462
If you want to humiliate me,
humiliate me.
1071
01:23:49,573 --> 01:23:51,507
I adore you.
1072
01:23:51,609 --> 01:23:54,305
Tell him, if you must.
I no longer care.
1073
01:23:54,411 --> 01:23:58,370
I mean to have you,
even if it must be burglary!
1074
01:24:00,217 --> 01:24:02,117
It's not me, it's him!
1075
01:24:08,158 --> 01:24:10,683
He lied to you.
We're an affair.
1076
01:24:10,793 --> 01:24:13,523
We have been for years,
but he doesn't want you to know.
1077
01:24:13,630 --> 01:24:17,532
He doesn't want anybody to know. We're
both in it. We're obsessed with each other.
1078
01:24:17,634 --> 01:24:21,262
But he's ashamed. He refuses
to come out and accept what he is.
1079
01:24:21,370 --> 01:24:24,168
That's why he's rejecting me
while you're here.
1080
01:24:24,273 --> 01:24:29,040
On my life, Monty, this is the first night
we haven't slept together for six years.
1081
01:24:29,144 --> 01:24:31,169
I can't cheat on him.
It would kill him.
1082
01:24:31,280 --> 01:24:34,716
But he told me you were in purgatory
because he couldn't love you.
1083
01:24:34,816 --> 01:24:37,807
He's lying. Lying!
1084
01:24:37,919 --> 01:24:42,185
Oh, my dear boy.
1085
01:24:42,290 --> 01:24:45,418
If I had known that, I would never
have attempted to come between you.
1086
01:24:45,526 --> 01:24:47,960
I know that, Monty.
1087
01:24:48,062 --> 01:24:50,530
I respect you
for your sensitivity.
1088
01:24:50,631 --> 01:24:52,895
I thank you for it,
1089
01:24:53,000 --> 01:24:55,263
but you must leave.
1090
01:24:57,504 --> 01:25:00,632
Yes.
1091
01:25:00,740 --> 01:25:04,107
Yes. You'd better go to him.
1092
01:25:04,211 --> 01:25:06,406
Oh, I intend to.
1093
01:25:06,513 --> 01:25:08,640
This instant.
1094
01:25:09,082 --> 01:25:12,414
Withnail, you bastard. Wake up.
1095
01:25:12,484 --> 01:25:17,512
Wake up, you bastard,
or I'll burn this bastard bed down.
1096
01:25:17,623 --> 01:25:22,083
I deny all accusations.
What do you want?
1097
01:25:22,194 --> 01:25:24,424
I have just narrowly avoided
having a buggering.
1098
01:25:24,530 --> 01:25:27,498
I've come in here with the express
intention of wishing one on you.
1099
01:25:27,599 --> 01:25:30,159
Having said that, I now intend
to leave for London.
1100
01:25:30,268 --> 01:25:32,793
Hold on. Don't let your
imagination run away with you.
1101
01:25:32,904 --> 01:25:35,202
Imagination? I just finished
fighting a naked man.
1102
01:25:35,306 --> 01:25:37,774
How dare you tell him
I'm a toilet trader!
1103
01:25:37,875 --> 01:25:40,435
It was a tactical necessity.
1104
01:25:40,545 --> 01:25:43,377
If I hadn't told him you were active,
we'd never have got the cottage.
1105
01:25:43,480 --> 01:25:45,380
I never have wanted it...
not with him in it!
1106
01:25:45,482 --> 01:25:49,248
Geez. He'd come all this way.
1107
01:25:49,353 --> 01:25:53,653
- Monty? He'd go to New York.
- It was a calculated risk.
1108
01:25:53,757 --> 01:25:56,351
What is all this tactical
necessity and calculated risk?
1109
01:25:56,460 --> 01:25:59,156
This is me naked in a corner!
1110
01:25:59,263 --> 01:26:01,856
And how dare you tell him
I love you.
1111
01:26:01,964 --> 01:26:04,797
And how dare you tell him
you rejected me.
1112
01:26:04,900 --> 01:26:07,835
- How dare you tell him that!
- Sorry about that.
1113
01:26:07,937 --> 01:26:11,304
Got a bit carried away.
Sort of said it without thinking.
1114
01:26:11,407 --> 01:26:14,934
Let me tell you something, Withnail. If
he comes into my room again, it's murder,
1115
01:26:15,044 --> 01:26:18,035
and you will be held
responsible in law.
1116
01:26:23,985 --> 01:26:27,182
"Perhaps it is appropriate justice
for the eavesdropper...
1117
01:26:27,289 --> 01:26:30,656
"that he should leave
as his trade determines...
1118
01:26:30,759 --> 01:26:34,854
"in secrecy and in the dead of night.
1119
01:26:34,962 --> 01:26:38,659
- "I do sincerely hope that
you will find the happiness...
1120
01:26:38,766 --> 01:26:42,327
"which, alas,
has always been denied to me.
1121
01:26:44,271 --> 01:26:47,331
"I am yours ever faithfully,
1122
01:26:47,441 --> 01:26:49,340
Montague H. Withnail. "
1123
01:26:51,044 --> 01:26:53,478
Poor old bastard.
1124
01:26:53,579 --> 01:26:55,479
I would say...
1125
01:26:57,016 --> 01:27:01,112
that that represents
a degree of hypocrisy...
1126
01:27:01,220 --> 01:27:05,815
I've hitherto suspected in you but not
noticed, due to highly evasive skills.
1127
01:27:05,924 --> 01:27:09,883
Christ, Withnail.
You'll suffer for this.
1128
01:27:09,995 --> 01:27:12,429
What you have done
will have to be paid for.
1129
01:27:12,531 --> 01:27:14,499
I will say one thing for Monty.
1130
01:27:14,599 --> 01:27:16,794
He keeps a sensational cellar.
1131
01:27:26,610 --> 01:27:29,238
- Who's there?
- Telegram.
1132
01:27:53,236 --> 01:27:55,669
Well done.
1133
01:27:55,771 --> 01:27:59,673
Well, it doesn't mean to say I've got it.
They probably just want to see me again.
1134
01:28:02,644 --> 01:28:05,704
Well, that settles it, then.
We'll leave immediately.
1135
01:28:05,814 --> 01:28:08,578
What?
1136
01:28:08,684 --> 01:28:11,846
- Get your kit together. We're leaving in half an hour.
- Half an hour?
1137
01:28:11,953 --> 01:28:14,854
Don't be ridiculous.
I need at least an hour for lunch.
1138
01:28:23,631 --> 01:28:27,589
You've got a truck coming up.
About 200 yards.
1139
01:28:27,701 --> 01:28:31,296
Followed by a left slow hander.
1140
01:28:31,405 --> 01:28:34,238
This is insanity!
I can't keep this up!
1141
01:28:34,341 --> 01:28:37,902
Stay in this lane.
Bear right. Bear right.
1142
01:28:38,011 --> 01:28:40,571
What lane? What lane?
I can't see the fucking lane.
1143
01:28:40,680 --> 01:28:43,114
Bear right! Bear right!
Bear right!
1144
01:28:46,085 --> 01:28:50,488
That's it. Next garage, I've gotta
do something about that wiper.
1145
01:28:50,589 --> 01:28:54,320
And I've got to get some sleep.
1146
01:29:21,084 --> 01:29:24,485
- What's going on?
- I'm making time.
1147
01:29:38,534 --> 01:29:41,970
Are you out of your mind? Pull over.
You haven't got a license.
1148
01:29:42,071 --> 01:29:44,039
No. I'm making time.
1149
01:29:54,549 --> 01:29:56,949
- Where are we?
- We're approaching London.
1150
01:30:00,121 --> 01:30:04,387
- Here comes another fucker.
1151
01:30:12,500 --> 01:30:15,128
- Oh, no!
1152
01:30:15,236 --> 01:30:18,103
Perfectly all right.
Leave him to me.
1153
01:30:18,205 --> 01:30:21,003
You're full of scotch,
you silly tool.
1154
01:31:31,607 --> 01:31:35,065
A bit early in the morning
for festivities, isn't it?
1155
01:31:35,177 --> 01:31:37,475
These aren't mine.
They belong to him.
1156
01:31:37,580 --> 01:31:41,380
- You're drunk.
- I assure you I'm not, officer.
1157
01:31:41,483 --> 01:31:44,747
Honestly,
I've only had a few ales.
1158
01:31:44,852 --> 01:31:48,845
Out of the car... please.
1159
01:31:48,957 --> 01:31:50,857
Sir.
1160
01:31:57,899 --> 01:32:00,833
I want you to take one
deep breath and fill this bag.
1161
01:32:02,436 --> 01:32:06,133
- Are you refusing to fill this bag?
- I most certainly am.
1162
01:32:06,239 --> 01:32:09,470
- I'm placing you under arrest.
- Don't be ridiculous. I haven't done anything.
1163
01:32:09,576 --> 01:32:11,771
- Come on.
- Look here, my cousin's a QC.
1164
01:32:11,878 --> 01:32:13,778
Get in the back of the van!
1165
01:32:26,892 --> 01:32:29,292
Hey, sarge,
what's that clown doing?
1166
01:33:05,095 --> 01:33:08,495
- Where's our checks?
- Didn't sign on.
1167
01:33:08,598 --> 01:33:11,829
That wouldn't make any difference
in last week's payments.
1168
01:33:40,094 --> 01:33:42,858
What are you doing in my bed?
1169
01:33:42,963 --> 01:33:47,457
- I've been asleep.
- Who is the huge spade in the bath?
1170
01:33:47,568 --> 01:33:49,968
Presuming Ed.
1171
01:33:50,071 --> 01:33:52,938
You've got ten minutes, right?
I want you out 'cause I want to get in.
1172
01:33:53,040 --> 01:33:55,667
Ten minutes, right?
You better be on your feet.
1173
01:33:59,045 --> 01:34:02,242
- How did you get in?
- Ingenuity, man.
1174
01:34:02,348 --> 01:34:04,612
Come up the drain pipe.
1175
01:34:04,718 --> 01:34:07,778
- Would you like a smoke?
- Yes.
1176
01:34:07,887 --> 01:34:10,321
No, thanks.
I've got a call to make.
1177
01:34:14,827 --> 01:34:16,761
What are you gonna do
with those?
1178
01:34:16,862 --> 01:34:21,196
The joint I'm about to roll
requires a craftsman.
1179
01:34:21,300 --> 01:34:23,791
It can utilize up to 12 skins.
1180
01:34:23,902 --> 01:34:26,871
It is called
a Camberwell Carrot.
1181
01:34:26,972 --> 01:34:29,371
It's impossible to use
12 papers in one joint.
1182
01:34:29,474 --> 01:34:33,171
It's impossible to make
a Camberwell Carrot with anything less.
1183
01:34:33,277 --> 01:34:36,041
- Who says it's a Camberwell Carrot?
- I do.
1184
01:34:36,147 --> 01:34:39,947
I invented it in Camberwell,
and it looks like a carrot.
1185
01:34:40,051 --> 01:34:43,145
Do you realize this gaff's
overwhelmed with rodents?
1186
01:34:43,254 --> 01:34:45,813
When I come in, I seen one
the size of a fucking dog.
1187
01:34:45,922 --> 01:34:49,050
That is a dog. Belongs
to the fellow downstairs.
1188
01:34:49,159 --> 01:34:51,320
Does his dog get in the oven?
1189
01:34:51,428 --> 01:34:54,659
- No, his dog doesn't come up here.
- Then it was a rodent.
1190
01:34:54,765 --> 01:34:57,962
Opened the oven door, and
it was in there looking at me.
1191
01:34:58,068 --> 01:35:02,333
Quite freaked me at the time.
I was gonna cook onions.
1192
01:35:02,438 --> 01:35:04,633
- Are you going to bed now?
- No.
1193
01:35:04,740 --> 01:35:06,640
Phone.
1194
01:35:08,811 --> 01:35:11,803
- Who's he going to telephone?
- Squat Betty.
1195
01:35:13,282 --> 01:35:16,649
His agent. He's wasting his time
because he won't be in.
1196
01:35:40,674 --> 01:35:43,871
This'll tend
to make you very high.
1197
01:35:47,114 --> 01:35:51,641
This grass is the most powerful
in the Western Hemisphere.
1198
01:35:51,751 --> 01:35:55,881
I have it specially flown in
from my man in Mexico.
1199
01:35:57,356 --> 01:35:59,654
He's an expert.
1200
01:35:59,759 --> 01:36:02,227
His name is Juan.
1201
01:36:02,328 --> 01:36:07,424
This grass grows at exactly
2,000 feet above sea level.
1202
01:36:09,668 --> 01:36:12,000
You got the part, man?
1203
01:36:16,541 --> 01:36:20,910
I got a different one.
They want me to play the lead.
1204
01:36:21,012 --> 01:36:24,845
- Congratulations.
- Where exactly have you two been?
1205
01:36:24,949 --> 01:36:29,113
- Holiday in the countryside.
- That's a very good idea.
1206
01:36:29,220 --> 01:36:32,212
London is a country
coming down from its trip.
1207
01:36:32,323 --> 01:36:36,521
We are 91 days
from the end of this decade,
1208
01:36:36,627 --> 01:36:39,754
and there's gonna be
a lot of refugees.
1209
01:36:42,665 --> 01:36:46,965
They'll be goin' round this town
shoutin', "Bring out your dead. "
1210
01:36:49,239 --> 01:36:52,333
There was a geezer around here
the other day lookin' for you.
1211
01:36:52,442 --> 01:36:54,706
- What geezer?
- Some bald geezer.
1212
01:36:54,811 --> 01:36:59,144
Reckons you owe him 266 quid
back rent.
1213
01:36:59,248 --> 01:37:04,242
I told him there's no question of payin'
rent on a property cut with rodents.
1214
01:37:04,353 --> 01:37:06,480
He takes exception to this.
1215
01:37:06,588 --> 01:37:09,079
Starts comin' on really bald
with me.
1216
01:37:09,191 --> 01:37:12,557
- You mean ratty.
- I told him to piss off.
1217
01:37:12,660 --> 01:37:14,890
You bloody fool.
We'll end up in court again.
1218
01:37:14,996 --> 01:37:18,432
- No we won't. It ain't legal.
- I assume we can quote you.
1219
01:37:18,532 --> 01:37:22,195
The law rather
appeals to me, actually.
1220
01:37:27,408 --> 01:37:30,399
Just high.
1221
01:37:32,212 --> 01:37:34,112
Stop laughing, Withnail.
This is serious.
1222
01:37:34,214 --> 01:37:38,048
No, it ain't. I looked into it,
studied the papers.
1223
01:37:38,151 --> 01:37:41,211
- What papers?
- Legal papers.
1224
01:37:41,321 --> 01:37:43,949
What papers, Danny?
1225
01:37:53,999 --> 01:37:57,230
He's got our checks.
What are you doing with these?
1226
01:37:57,336 --> 01:38:00,964
I was gonna cash 'em in for you.
1227
01:38:09,080 --> 01:38:13,073
For Christ's sake, Withnail, stop
laughing. This is a notice of eviction.
1228
01:38:20,190 --> 01:38:22,488
Will you stop laughing?
They wanna throw us out.
1229
01:38:24,795 --> 01:38:28,196
For God... Will you shut up, for
God's sake? You're giving me the fear.
1230
01:38:28,298 --> 01:38:30,357
Give me a downer, Danny.
My brain's capsizing.
1231
01:38:30,467 --> 01:38:32,594
- I've gone and fucked my brain!
- Change, man.
1232
01:38:32,703 --> 01:38:36,103
Find your neutral space.
You've got a rush.
1233
01:38:36,205 --> 01:38:39,368
It will pass. Be seated.
1234
01:38:46,248 --> 01:38:48,148
Aren't you getting absurdly high?
1235
01:38:48,250 --> 01:38:51,616
Precisely the reason
I'm smokin' it.
1236
01:38:56,891 --> 01:38:58,916
I couldn't. I'm spaced.
1237
01:38:59,027 --> 01:39:01,052
Not as spaced as your rodents.
1238
01:39:01,162 --> 01:39:05,292
- Don't talk about them.
- I imagine they're talkin' to each other.
1239
01:39:07,701 --> 01:39:10,135
- What do you mean?
- I've dealt with 'em.
1240
01:39:10,237 --> 01:39:12,137
Dealt with 'em.
What the fuck do you mean?
1241
01:39:12,239 --> 01:39:15,902
Dosed 'em. I expect
they're dead down the drain.
1242
01:39:16,010 --> 01:39:18,979
Dead down the drain?
What have you done to them?
1243
01:39:19,079 --> 01:39:22,537
Given them all drugged onions.
1244
01:39:22,649 --> 01:39:25,481
Jesus Christ!
Why have you drugged their onions?
1245
01:39:25,585 --> 01:39:28,748
Sit down, man.
Take control.
1246
01:39:28,855 --> 01:39:31,585
Give me a Valium.
I'm getting the fear!
1247
01:39:31,691 --> 01:39:33,989
You have done something
to your brain.
1248
01:39:34,093 --> 01:39:35,993
You have made it high.
1249
01:39:36,095 --> 01:39:41,031
If I lay ten mils of Diazepam on you,
you will do something else to your brain.
1250
01:39:41,133 --> 01:39:45,331
You will make it low. Why trust
one drug and not the other?
1251
01:39:45,437 --> 01:39:47,337
That's politics, isn't it?
1252
01:39:47,439 --> 01:39:49,339
I'm gonna eat some sugar.
1253
01:39:50,942 --> 01:39:53,672
I recommend
you smoke some more grass.
1254
01:39:53,779 --> 01:39:56,406
No way. No fucking way.
1255
01:39:56,514 --> 01:39:59,813
That is an unfortunate
political decision,
1256
01:39:59,917 --> 01:40:02,317
reflectin' these times.
1257
01:40:09,493 --> 01:40:12,052
- What are you talking about, Danny?
- Politics, man.
1258
01:40:12,162 --> 01:40:14,687
If you were hanging on
to a rising balloon,
1259
01:40:14,798 --> 01:40:17,460
you're presented
with a difficult decision...
1260
01:40:17,567 --> 01:40:19,933
let go before it's too late?
1261
01:40:20,036 --> 01:40:22,027
Or hang on
and keep getting higher?
1262
01:40:22,138 --> 01:40:26,768
Posing the question, how long
can you keep a grip on the rope?
1263
01:40:28,710 --> 01:40:31,406
They're sellin' hippie wigs
in Woolworth's, man.
1264
01:40:32,948 --> 01:40:37,112
The greatest decade in
the history of mankind is over.
1265
01:40:38,987 --> 01:40:43,014
And as Presuming Ed here
has so consistently pointed out...
1266
01:40:44,126 --> 01:40:47,322
we have failed
to paint it black.
1267
01:41:37,375 --> 01:41:40,435
My Dad'll pick up the boxes
in a week.
1268
01:41:40,545 --> 01:41:42,809
And he's gonna do something
about the car.
1269
01:41:44,916 --> 01:41:46,907
- I'm off now.
- Already?
1270
01:41:47,018 --> 01:41:49,543
But I've got us a bottle open.
1271
01:41:51,288 --> 01:41:53,654
I confiscated it
from Monty's supplies.
1272
01:41:54,825 --> 01:41:57,953
'53 Margaux.
Best of the century.
1273
01:41:59,229 --> 01:42:01,527
I'm sure he wouldn't resent us
a parting drink.
1274
01:42:01,632 --> 01:42:04,795
I can't, Withnail. I've gotta walk
to the station. I'll be late.
1275
01:42:04,902 --> 01:42:08,029
- There's always time for a drink.
- No.
1276
01:42:08,137 --> 01:42:10,469
I don't have the time.
1277
01:42:10,573 --> 01:42:14,236
All right. I'll walk with you
through the park.
1278
01:42:16,245 --> 01:42:18,645
We can drink it on the way.
1279
01:42:26,755 --> 01:42:29,280
No. No more, thank you.
1280
01:42:29,391 --> 01:42:31,882
Listen, Withnail. It's a stinker.
Why don't you go back?
1281
01:42:31,993 --> 01:42:34,928
- Because I wanna walk you to the station.
- Well, don't.
1282
01:42:35,030 --> 01:42:37,498
Please don't.
1283
01:42:37,599 --> 01:42:39,657
I really don't want you to.
1284
01:42:48,709 --> 01:42:52,167
I shall miss you, Withnail.
1285
01:42:52,279 --> 01:42:56,908
I shall miss you too. Chin-chin.
1286
01:43:15,367 --> 01:43:18,928
"I have of late,
but wherefore I know not,
1287
01:43:19,037 --> 01:43:21,801
"lost all my mirth.
1288
01:43:21,907 --> 01:43:26,344
"And indeed it goes so heavily
with my disposition...
1289
01:43:26,445 --> 01:43:28,844
"that this goodly frame the earth...
1290
01:43:28,946 --> 01:43:32,404
"seems to me a sterile promontory.
1291
01:43:35,553 --> 01:43:39,011
"It's a most excellent canopy, the air.
1292
01:43:39,123 --> 01:43:43,583
"Look you, this brave,
o'er hanging firmament.
1293
01:43:43,694 --> 01:43:47,686
"This majestical roof
fretted with golden fire.
1294
01:43:47,797 --> 01:43:49,992
"Why, it appeareth nothing to me...
1295
01:43:50,100 --> 01:43:55,197
"but a foul and pestilent
congregation of vapors.
1296
01:43:55,305 --> 01:43:57,899
"What a piece of work is a man,
1297
01:43:58,008 --> 01:44:00,340
"how noble in reason,
1298
01:44:00,443 --> 01:44:03,172
"how infinite in faculties,
1299
01:44:03,279 --> 01:44:05,804
"how like an angel in apprehension.
1300
01:44:05,914 --> 01:44:08,314
"How like a god!
1301
01:44:08,417 --> 01:44:10,681
"The beauty of the world:
1302
01:44:10,786 --> 01:44:13,812
"Paragon of animals:
1303
01:44:13,922 --> 01:44:18,949
"Yet to me, what is
this quintessence of dust?
1304
01:44:19,060 --> 01:44:21,688
"Man delights not me.
1305
01:44:21,796 --> 01:44:26,096
"No, nor women neither.
1306
01:44:26,200 --> 01:44:28,794
Nor women neither. "