1
00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:35,609
<i>I like these sheets that you bought.</i>

2
00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:37,443
<i>Yeah, they're so soft.</i>

3
00:00:38,639 --> 00:00:39,845
<i>What's the thread count?</i>

4
00:00:39,907 --> 00:00:41,079
<i>800.</i>

5
00:00:41,174 --> 00:00:43,120
No shit.

6
00:00:46,246 --> 00:00:48,123
Feels good. Yeah.

7
00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:53,788
You're so sexy.

8
00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:54,922
You're sexy, too.

9
00:00:55,522 --> 00:00:57,365
Thanks. Welcome.

10
00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:00,299
I love you. I love you more.

11
00:01:12,606 --> 00:01:13,812
Um...

12
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:18,413
So I forgot to tell you Weiner can'!
do the Rome office stint,

13
00:01:18,478 --> 00:01:21,482
so it looks like I'm going to Italy for the summer.

14
00:01:23,617 --> 00:01:24,618
Italy.

15
00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:27,196
And therefore, I think that this is a good time

16
00:01:27,287 --> 00:01:29,324
for us to evaluate our relationship.

17
00:01:30,290 --> 00:01:31,291
Really?

18
00:01:32,025 --> 00:01:34,665
Honey, I'm not proposing.

19
00:01:35,963 --> 00:01:39,342
I'm evaluating and after my evaluation,

20
00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:43,006
I've realized that were both ignoring
something really obvious here.

21
00:01:43,737 --> 00:01:46,411
We always go to Sarabeth's for brunch on Sunday,

22
00:01:46,473 --> 00:01:48,111
we switched from sour cream
to Greek yogurt together,

23
00:01:48,175 --> 00:01:49,654
you wear your bra when we're having sex.

24
00:01:49,743 --> 00:01:51,950
Look at the fucking pajamas that we're wearing.

25
00:01:52,646 --> 00:01:55,456
I am saying that we are boring.

26
00:01:57,050 --> 00:01:58,290
That I am bored,

27
00:01:58,352 --> 00:02:01,799
that I am, like, crazy-out-of-my-mind bored.

28
00:02:01,888 --> 00:02:03,595
The most exciting part of the sex that we just had

29
00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:05,898
was when my penis was chafed by your NuvaRing.

30
00:02:07,260 --> 00:02:10,036
We can spice things up. How about
a blowjob in the bathroom?

31
00:02:10,163 --> 00:02:12,803
No, Lauren, stop it. Just stop
it. I was just inside of you.

32
00:02:12,933 --> 00:02:14,310
No... Okay, okay.

33
00:02:20,774 --> 00:02:23,516
This is us. We could fix this.

34
00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:26,018
We could fix this, okay?

35
00:02:26,113 --> 00:02:28,650
Lauren, let's just talk when I get back, okay?

36
00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:31,559
We'll have had some distance, and you'll
have moved out of this place,

37
00:02:32,085 --> 00:02:34,929
This is my home. I've lived here for two years.

38
00:02:35,022 --> 00:02:37,263
Lauren, I tried to tell you.

39
00:02:37,357 --> 00:02:38,495
When?

40
00:02:38,625 --> 00:02:39,797
Last month

41
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:43,200
when we were walking through the
West Village and I said to you,

42
00:02:43,296 --> 00:02:46,903
"It's not for me, but I could so see you living here."

43
00:02:49,036 --> 00:02:50,208
I should pack.

44
00:02:51,104 --> 00:02:53,414
I'll just start in the kitchen.

45
00:02:56,643 --> 00:02:57,678
Lauren...

46
00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:05,493
You're sitting on my phone, I think.

47
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,569
Thanks.

48
00:03:18,231 --> 00:03:21,701
Hi, can I please get some fried dumplings

49
00:03:21,802 --> 00:03:23,338
and an order of orange chicken?

50
00:03:23,970 --> 00:03:25,108
That'll be how long?

51
00:03:26,006 --> 00:03:28,043
Okay, see you in 20 minutes, Bye.

52
00:03:29,409 --> 00:03:31,616
And who may I ask is calling?

53
00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:33,055
Hey, it's me, your pathetic

54
00:03:33,146 --> 00:03:35,126
29-year-old intern friend.

55
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:38,219
{LAUGHS DRYLY) Well, there's always
a spot for you at Happy Nails.

56
00:03:38,285 --> 00:03:42,062
Never' I would never“. Comedy?
You wanna see some comedy?

57
00:03:42,155 --> 00:03:44,294
Never. I would never consider working
there in a million years.

58
00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:45,961
Are you kidding? For one thing, I'm not Asian enough.

59
00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:48,164
Here you go, comedy.

60
00:03:48,261 --> 00:03:49,934
What's up? You called. Comedy?

61
00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:53,476
Yes, I made you more fliers. Are you
ever gonna let me see your show?

62
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:56,605
I would consider letting you go in never,

63
00:03:57,304 --> 00:03:59,375
but I will meet you at Shake Shack in 20 minutes.

64
00:03:59,439 --> 00:04:01,146
I can't. I'm sexercising.

65
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,084
And this place is full of windows“.

66
00:04:03,176 --> 00:04:05,087
Hello! Excuse me? .--gets lots of light.

67
00:04:05,178 --> 00:04:06,714
I'm being robbed. Got to go, bye.

68
00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:08,088
Look at this nice, long hallway.

69
00:04:08,181 --> 00:04:10,491
As a matter of fact, why don't you
go look in the living room?

70
00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:14,088
Great crown molding, a view of Gramercy Park.

71
00:04:14,187 --> 00:04:15,962
Yeah, my view is beautiful.

72
00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:18,459
What the hell, man? I live here.

73
00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:20,128
You cannot just drop in on me like this.

74
00:04:20,227 --> 00:04:22,138
I told you 60 days ago

75
00:04:22,229 --> 00:04:24,140
that this building was no longer

76
00:04:24,231 --> 00:04:26,108
going to be rent-controlled as of June 1st.

77
00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:28,770
And I told you that this is my grandmother's apartment

78
00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:30,439
and I've lived here for five years

79
00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:32,177
and Gram doesn't want me moving her things.

80
00:04:34,474 --> 00:04:36,454
All right, hey, why don't you
just give me another month

81
00:04:36,510 --> 00:04:39,184
so I can get my book advance, okay'?

82
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,190
You're writing a book?

83
00:04:42,349 --> 00:04:46,195
Not at this exact second, but I have a lot of ideas.

84
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:48,027
You've got four days, Katie.

85
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:50,601
If you can't pay, you've got to move on,

86
00:04:50,657 --> 00:04:52,864
or find a damn roommate.

87
00:04:54,094 --> 00:04:56,438
Hey, what do you think'?

88
00:04:56,496 --> 00:04:57,736
All right, let's go. Come on.

89
00:04:57,831 --> 00:05:00,812
That's fine! Have fun with my grandmother's ghost.

90
00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:03,643
She talks in her sleep about the Holocaust!

91
00:06:28,788 --> 00:06:30,734
Okay, honey, you have to stop pouting

92
00:06:30,790 --> 00:06:34,237
because now you're depressing
me, you're depressing Zelda,

93
00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:36,432
you're just creating this, like,

94
00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:38,804
pea soup of depression in this room.

95
00:06:39,599 --> 00:06:40,737
Look at her.

96
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:43,110
She has a permanent frown-y face, okay?

97
00:06:43,203 --> 00:06:45,080
It's not her face. It's her energy.

98
00:06:45,171 --> 00:06:48,152
Her energy is so off and Tuesdays her favorite day.

99
00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:49,948
I don't care. I'm the one who just found out

100
00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:52,421
that my person is no longer my person.

101
00:06:52,479 --> 00:06:54,618
Look, look, I haven't said anything before

102
00:06:54,714 --> 00:06:55,886
because I like to be a good friend

103
00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:57,053
and I don't wanna be judgmental,

104
00:06:57,117 --> 00:06:59,791
but right now, I'm gonna drop a real bomb on you

105
00:06:59,886 --> 00:07:01,729
so I'm glad you're sitting down.

106
00:07:01,788 --> 00:07:04,598
Charlie is boring.

107
00:07:05,292 --> 00:07:08,796
Sorry, everyone talks about it, no one says it to you.

108
00:07:08,895 --> 00:07:09,930
He is boring.

109
00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:13,500
It's a struggle to have a 20-second
conversation with him.

110
00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:15,944
And you know what else?

111
00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:18,778
He always seems like he's kind
of looking for a better deal.

112
00:07:18,838 --> 00:07:20,112
I'm sorry.

113
00:07:20,507 --> 00:07:21,850
I'm a great deal.

114
00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:25,355
Honey, oh, my God, I know that. Of course, you are.

115
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,152
You're my favorite. You're the best deal in the world.

116
00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:29,158
You're like a Subway gift card.

117
00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:32,526
But then why would he go all the way
over to Italy without you, huh?

118
00:07:33,219 --> 00:07:36,996
To what? To shack up with some
woman named Catalina

119
00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:39,661
who has perfect teardrop breasts

120
00:07:39,759 --> 00:07:43,730
and a nice Sicilian bush that smells like lavender,

121
00:07:43,830 --> 00:07:45,673
and she makes her own pesto sauce?

122
00:07:46,866 --> 00:07:47,867
I'm sorry.

123
00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:51,009
I don't even know why we're packing.

124
00:07:51,104 --> 00:07:53,584
I can't afford an apartment by myself in this city.

125
00:07:57,711 --> 00:07:59,520
I've a place for you.

126
00:08:00,714 --> 00:08:01,784
Where?

127
00:08:01,848 --> 00:08:03,657
Before I tell you, you have to promise me

128
00:08:03,717 --> 00:08:05,526
that you'll keep an open mind

129
00:08:05,618 --> 00:08:07,859
and let Uncle Jesse take care of you.

130
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:09,425
Keep talking.

131
00:08:10,256 --> 00:08:12,065
<i>Okay, remember Monica and Rachel's apartment?</i>

132
00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:13,159
<i>Of course, you do.</i>

133
00:08:13,259 --> 00:08:15,865
<i>This one makes that one look like a fucking shoebox,</i>

134
00:08:15,962 --> 00:08:18,875
<i>and bonus, it overlooks Zelda's</i>

135
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:21,912
<i>third favorite park in the world, Gramercy.</i>

136
00:08:31,044 --> 00:08:32,045
You.

137
00:08:32,145 --> 00:08:33,123
You!

138
00:08:33,279 --> 00:08:35,418
Come on. Please?

139
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:37,620
You sure you don't wanna come inside? There's a keg!

140
00:08:37,717 --> 00:08:40,926
Come on, it'll be like high school with no curfew.

141
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:44,096
Hey, could you bum a cigarette off me?

142
00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:45,430
He'll be here.

143
00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:47,199
Good, yeah. What more do you want?

144
00:08:47,293 --> 00:08:48,533
Jesse!

145
00:08:48,595 --> 00:08:52,202
<i>I want to Macarena with you Jesse, Jesse, Jesse</i>

146
00:08:52,298 --> 00:08:53,368
Oh, yeah, girl.

147
00:08:53,466 --> 00:08:54,672
That's the girl Katie Hold you about

148
00:08:54,734 --> 00:08:55,906
from my Religious Studies class.

149
00:08:56,002 --> 00:08:59,381
She's the bomb. She's so cool and smart.
I wanna be friends with her.

150
00:08:59,472 --> 00:09:01,042
Hey, Jesse Lawson! Yeah!

151
00:09:01,141 --> 00:09:02,620
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

152
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,482
Stop showing your body to everybody.

153
00:09:06,579 --> 00:09:08,115
I wanna show you my body!

154
00:09:08,214 --> 00:09:10,216
No, no. This is my friend, Drunky McGee.

155
00:09:10,316 --> 00:09:12,455
This is my friend, Lauren. She's
gonna drive you home, okay'?

156
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:13,895
Please, please, please?
- Yes.

157
00:09:13,953 --> 00:09:15,296
She's on the way, she's right near your dorm.

158
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:16,423
KATIE; I'm gonna beat you!

159
00:09:16,523 --> 00:09:17,501
Okay, you're gonna beat me!

160
00:09:17,590 --> 00:09:20,036
Please? Just so she doesn't get
date-raped by somebody.

161
00:09:24,431 --> 00:09:26,138
How was the party?

162
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:28,245
Well, these two guys were totally

163
00:09:28,334 --> 00:09:29,642
fighting over me and I was like,

164
00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:32,410
"Listen, you guys, I can't blow
both of you at the same time!

165
00:09:32,505 --> 00:09:33,483
"Fuck off!" You know what I mean?

166
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:38,055
Anyways, what'd you do tonight?

167
00:09:38,111 --> 00:09:40,113
<i>I'm just gonna watch some Felicity.</i>

168
00:09:41,714 --> 00:09:43,284
I hate British people.

169
00:09:45,618 --> 00:09:47,154
Are you sure we're going the right way'?

170
00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:49,164
Is this yours?

171
00:09:49,289 --> 00:09:50,734
Yeah. Sorry, I think it's empty.

172
00:09:50,790 --> 00:09:53,270
Perfect. I'm just gonna borrow it.

173
00:09:54,727 --> 00:09:56,138
Stop! This is my new car!

174
00:09:56,229 --> 00:09:57,606
It was a graduation present!

175
00:09:57,664 --> 00:09:59,905
I do this all the time. Just shh' shh!

176
00:09:59,966 --> 00:10:05,177
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

177
00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:10,016
Ta-da! See, no spills at all!

178
00:10:17,684 --> 00:10:19,027
Get out.

179
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,129
But it's scary here.

180
00:10:22,222 --> 00:10:24,862
Get out of my car! I hate you!

181
00:10:31,931 --> 00:10:33,842
Why don't you just chill out!

182
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:36,437
Urine is sterile!

183
00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:42,483
Hi! Come on in! Come here. You're gonna love it,

184
00:10:42,575 --> 00:10:44,486
Move. Get in here.

185
00:10:44,577 --> 00:10:46,056
What are you thinking? I can't live with her!

186
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:49,184
You know, I totally don't appreciate surprises, Jesse.

187
00:10:49,282 --> 00:10:53,321
Close, close, close, close and open sesame!

188
00:10:54,521 --> 00:10:55,625
Wow.

189
00:10:55,688 --> 00:10:58,032
Incredible, right'? Could you die'?

190
00:10:58,124 --> 00:10:59,501
Literally, could you die?

191
00:10:59,592 --> 00:11:02,368
Hardwood floors, the windows, Gramercy
Park is right out there

192
00:11:02,462 --> 00:11:04,169
and it's a historical landmark.

193
00:11:04,264 --> 00:11:06,175
Katie's grandmother got this place in the '40s.

194
00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:08,337
She was a knitting maven.

195
00:11:08,434 --> 00:11:10,971
Oh. And a stripper, too, I see. What is that?

196
00:11:11,037 --> 00:11:12,846
You don't need to judge my bubbie,

197
00:11:12,906 --> 00:11:15,648
Honey, no one': judging anybody's bubbie.

198
00:11:16,442 --> 00:11:18,012
You know what'?

199
00:11:18,077 --> 00:11:20,216
Katherine, why don't you tell Lauren
a little bit about the place?

200
00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:22,589
I'm gonna go get some Monster because I'm a little...

201
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:24,355
Look at me, I'm shaking. I'm a little low energy.

202
00:11:24,450 --> 00:11:26,191
I'll be right back, okay? You want some lo mein?

203
00:11:26,286 --> 00:11:27,264
You wanna finish it off? No.

204
00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:29,094
Okay. I'll throw it away or put it in the fridge?

205
00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:30,759
I don't care. Okay.

206
00:11:31,224 --> 00:11:32,225
Well, this is an apartment.

207
00:11:32,325 --> 00:11:34,703
I'm sure you're familiar with what that is structurally.

208
00:11:34,761 --> 00:11:36,138
This is a living room. That's a dining room.

209
00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:37,537
There's a chair. That's a lamp.

210
00:11:37,630 --> 00:11:39,871
Grandma, and down the hall is my room'

211
00:11:39,933 --> 00:11:41,879
That's private because I'm a very private person

212
00:11:41,935 --> 00:11:43,505
and across the hall is Bubbie's room.

213
00:11:45,171 --> 00:11:47,208
She died in there.

214
00:11:49,475 --> 00:11:52,012
Let's go see your bedroom. Come on. Come on.

215
00:11:53,513 --> 00:11:55,618
Don't go in my room! I said it was private!

216
00:11:56,783 --> 00:11:58,091
And you can hang all your pictures.

217
00:11:58,184 --> 00:12:00,357
Okay, now don't mind the odor. It's a bit pungent.

218
00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:02,058
That's Bubbie. She's still lingering,

219
00:12:02,121 --> 00:12:03,691
but that'll be gone. It'll be dissipated.

220
00:12:03,756 --> 00:12:05,929
Look at this, though. Look at this personal space.

221
00:12:06,025 --> 00:12:09,472
Invaluable in New York, right?
This is a bedroom, or is it?

222
00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:13,374
Or is it a dance studio? I don't know,
there's so much space here.

223
00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:16,812
I mean, can you believe this'? And the closet space?

224
00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:19,315
Forget the windows, the windows
with the light coming in.

225
00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:21,078
It's like living on the sun!

226
00:12:21,140 --> 00:12:22,244
These hardwood floors,

227
00:12:22,342 --> 00:12:24,583
if there was a knot in the floor
big enough for my ding-dong,

228
00:12:24,677 --> 00:12:25,747
I would fuck the shit out of them.

229
00:12:25,812 --> 00:12:28,258
Good- Good. How could you trick
me? You know I hate her.

230
00:12:28,348 --> 00:12:31,261
'Cause you need a place to slay
and she needs a roommate.

231
00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:32,489
I don't want to.

232
00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:33,689
I know.

233
00:12:34,354 --> 00:12:35,662
Fine. Okay. Okay.

234
00:12:35,788 --> 00:12:37,324
The place is amazing. You're right, okay? Right?

235
00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:40,302
Yes, the windows are huge, the floors are lovely, okay?

236
00:12:40,393 --> 00:12:42,464
What is that'? Is that a pedicure chair'?

237
00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:45,236
It is for my back.

238
00:12:45,298 --> 00:12:47,676
Okay, it's for her back. She's got a bad back.

239
00:12:48,067 --> 00:12:49,171
What is all this shit? I don't know.

240
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:51,112
Stop touching Bubbie's things!

241
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:53,944
Okay, you, you, let's go, outside.

242
00:12:54,007 --> 00:12:55,179
Don't touch it!

243
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:56,948
In the hallway.

244
00:12:57,010 --> 00:13:00,287
Conference, family conference. Get over here.

245
00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:02,792
Yeah, I know, pouting! We're gonna take a walk.

246
00:13:02,849 --> 00:13:06,456
Bitch one and bitch two, go. I need
a minute of your time, okay?

247
00:13:06,552 --> 00:13:08,190
A minute where you are just neutral

248
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:09,858
and you're not judging each other

249
00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:11,367
and you're not holding onto all this shit.

250
00:13:12,025 --> 00:13:14,801
Close your eyes, close your eyes.
Open your hearts, please.

251
00:13:15,094 --> 00:13:17,040
Indulge me. Please.

252
00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:20,005
Oh, god bless you! Thank you, Katherine.

253
00:13:20,566 --> 00:13:21,840
You guys, together,

254
00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:24,278
could take this place from nursing home

255
00:13:24,337 --> 00:13:26,977
to "let's nurse some cocktails at home,“ right?

256
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,646
I'm talking about a trip to Design
Within Reach led by Lauren,

257
00:13:29,742 --> 00:13:32,552
I'm talking about cool street-art done by Katie,

258
00:13:32,745 --> 00:13:35,589
I'm talking about getting rid of
that floral print monstrosity,

259
00:13:35,682 --> 00:13:38,424
taking it outside, pissing on it and burning it,

260
00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:40,962
and then you know what, we'll replace
it with something simple,

261
00:13:41,020 --> 00:13:43,398
something from“. I don't know.

262
00:13:43,756 --> 00:13:45,861
Now, I want you to open your
eyes on the count of three.

263
00:13:45,958 --> 00:13:47,801
And I want you to see your new home.

264
00:13:48,061 --> 00:13:49,904
And I don't want you to thank me right away,

265
00:13:49,996 --> 00:13:52,704
but overtime, yes, I think I'm owed a little thanks.

266
00:13:52,799 --> 00:13:55,177
One, two, three.

267
00:13:55,435 --> 00:13:56,573
I release you.

268
00:13:58,771 --> 00:14:00,751
It does sound like a nice place lo live.

269
00:14:00,907 --> 00:14:04,252
Yeah, almost as nice as that neighborhood
you left me in so I could get raped.

270
00:14:04,444 --> 00:14:05,684
What'? You were raped'?

271
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:06,846
No, bull could have been.
- God!

272
00:14:06,913 --> 00:14:08,859
Why can't my friends be fuckin' friends?

273
00:14:08,915 --> 00:14:10,690
Whenever I smell urine, it reminds me

274
00:14:10,783 --> 00:14:12,490
of the time you peed in my hair.

275
00:14:12,552 --> 00:14:14,589
Oh! There was a bump! What do
you want me to say about it?

276
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:16,394
There was no bump! Okay, stop it!

277
00:14:16,556 --> 00:14:18,229
You two hate each other for no reason!

278
00:14:18,825 --> 00:14:22,705
I am so sick and tired of living like a child of divorce.

279
00:14:22,795 --> 00:14:23,865
Why don't you just live together

280
00:14:23,930 --> 00:14:25,034
for the summer? See how it goes'?

281
00:14:25,798 --> 00:14:26,936
Okay.

282
00:14:29,235 --> 00:14:30,270
Lauren, honey, I have a question.

283
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:31,371
Where are you sleeping tonight?

284
00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:32,506
'Cause it's not at my place.

285
00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:34,882
I have that Peruvian boy coming over from the gym.

286
00:14:34,941 --> 00:14:36,318
And, Katherine, may I remind you

287
00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:37,717
that your most promising applicant

288
00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:39,414
has been that woman that looked like Ted Danson

289
00:14:39,512 --> 00:14:41,116
and could not stop queefing?

290
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:43,125
Do you want that? Hmm'?

291
00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:46,996
You two, my gorgeous angels,

292
00:14:47,086 --> 00:14:49,930
are about to be homeless in Washington Square Park

293
00:14:50,022 --> 00:14:52,127
over a fucking party foul.

294
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:55,536
And I don't like to give out spare
change, so you're on your own.

295
00:15:08,674 --> 00:15:10,153
Hey, can you watch my stuff'?

296
00:15:10,276 --> 00:15:11,755
I'd love to.

297
00:15:12,445 --> 00:15:13,651
Thanks.

298
00:15:14,147 --> 00:15:15,592
I was thinking about that barf color

299
00:15:15,681 --> 00:15:16,989
you have on the walls of your living room,

300
00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:19,495
and I thought this dove gray would
actually really open up the space.

301
00:15:22,221 --> 00:15:24,462
You get two walls, I get two walls,

302
00:15:24,557 --> 00:15:26,036
Welcome home.

303
00:15:27,794 --> 00:15:29,000
Great.

304
00:15:33,466 --> 00:15:34,570
How much for the lamp?

305
00:15:37,336 --> 00:15:38,406
$10.

306
00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:41,518
I'm moving your chair out of my room!

307
00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:44,144
Oh, my God, yeah.

308
00:15:44,243 --> 00:15:46,450
I love the way you feel.

309
00:15:46,546 --> 00:15:49,288
You feel so good' Yeah.

310
00:15:49,348 --> 00:15:52,295
Ooh, I do like when you tickle my boobies like that.

311
00:15:52,351 --> 00:15:54,627
Tickle my boobies. Tickle them.

312
00:16:00,893 --> 00:16:01,997
Hey, can I get in there?

313
00:16:02,094 --> 00:16:03,630
I just really have to pee and then

314
00:16:03,729 --> 00:16:05,174
I have to get ready for work. I'll be so fast.

315
00:16:05,264 --> 00:16:07,369
All right, I don't care. Come in.

316
00:16:15,441 --> 00:16:16,920
Go ahead.

317
00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:19,654
Okay.

318
00:16:22,782 --> 00:16:25,160
Where do you work that requires so much makeup?

319
00:16:25,218 --> 00:16:28,392
I'm just doing a lot of writing, being super creative.

320
00:16:30,957 --> 00:16:33,665
Did you have someone over here last night?

321
00:16:33,759 --> 00:16:36,000
It's none of your business.

322
00:16:37,864 --> 00:16:38,899
But yes.

323
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:41,704
Okay.

324
00:16:44,403 --> 00:16:45,746
Oh, my God, Lauren.

325
00:16:47,206 --> 00:16:49,345
Sounds like somebody has a UTI.

326
00:16:49,408 --> 00:16:50,546
You can't hear UTI.

327
00:16:50,643 --> 00:16:52,680
I'd invest in some cranberry juice if I were you.

328
00:16:52,778 --> 00:16:57,022
Okay, fine, you know what'? You pee
in cups in cars while they're moving,

329
00:16:58,050 --> 00:16:59,927
Ooh. I like a little fire in you.

330
00:17:05,091 --> 00:17:07,264
Katie, there's no toilet paper.

331
00:17:09,795 --> 00:17:11,433
Katie, there's no toilet paper.

332
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:14,375
What? I can't hear you! I'm running late! Bye!

333
00:17:14,433 --> 00:17:18,074
I have to let you go. I'm old. I'm tired.

334
00:17:19,272 --> 00:17:23,084
And let's face it, it's time to close the place down.

335
00:17:23,175 --> 00:17:27,214
You're smart. That's why I hired you.

336
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:31,228
And that's why you're gonna be
great out there on your own.

337
00:17:31,284 --> 00:17:35,460
I thought I would take over when you
retired. What about your clients?

338
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:39,025
You're gonna be great out there on your own.

339
00:17:42,828 --> 00:17:45,866
Work is good. It's just“

340
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:47,701
...really busy.

341
00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:49,303
Sweetie, tell us some more about the new place.

342
00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:51,905
We've been dying to come over and
help you set it up- I mean...

343
00:17:52,004 --> 00:17:54,917
Yeah, just give us a good time and we'll come over.

344
00:17:56,142 --> 00:17:58,588
Did you eat all my hot dog buns'?

345
00:17:58,678 --> 00:17:59,748
I'm on the phone!

346
00:17:59,845 --> 00:18:00,880
They're kosher!

347
00:18:00,947 --> 00:18:02,392
I know you stole my lamp!

348
00:18:02,448 --> 00:18:03,791
What'? What'd you say'?

349
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:05,259
Sorry, Dad.

350
00:18:05,318 --> 00:18:09,130
The apartment is spectacular.
My roommate is whatever.

351
00:18:09,221 --> 00:18:11,497
<i>Well, you won't have to live with</i>
<i>this person for long, honey.</i>

352
00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:13,332
<i>Charlie will come back. They always do.</i>

353
00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:15,929
<i>But, sweetie, lock up Grandma's</i>
<i>pearls. We don't know this girl.</i>

354
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:50,637
<i>Buongiorno! It's Charlie. I can't</i>
<i>get to my phone right now</i>

355
00:18:50,730 --> 00:18:53,040
<i>because I'm probably doing something</i>
<i>awesome in Italy,</i>

356
00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:55,009
<i>but I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Ciao!</i>

357
00:19:16,555 --> 00:19:19,399
Is this your job?

358
00:19:20,292 --> 00:19:21,362
No.

359
00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:24,634
Yes, you have paint all over your
face and also on your body.

360
00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:28,479
Take a seat. Come on.

361
00:19:32,238 --> 00:19:34,844
You got to sit down to have your nails done, so...

362
00:19:38,144 --> 00:19:39,521
So you're not a writer'?

363
00:19:39,578 --> 00:19:40,579
I write every day.

364
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:43,286
<i>Like I said, I'm creative, so I have a lot of outlets for it.</i>

365
00:19:43,382 --> 00:19:46,329
This is New York City. Most people
need more than one job.

366
00:19:46,385 --> 00:19:48,331
How many jobs do you have?

367
00:19:48,387 --> 00:19:51,834
Well, my lop faves include doing nail an

368
00:19:51,957 --> 00:19:54,528
because I'm good at it and it lowers my beauty budget.

369
00:19:54,593 --> 00:19:56,197
I also hand out fliers for Jesse

370
00:19:56,262 --> 00:19:59,243
because I support the arts and I'm a really good friend.

371
00:19:59,331 --> 00:20:01,311
And I also really like taking orders at Wo-Hop

372
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,004
because they have the best Chinese in the city.

373
00:20:03,069 --> 00:20:05,071
Everybody knows that, and I get it for free.

374
00:20:05,171 --> 00:20:06,411
Switch.

375
00:20:09,809 --> 00:20:11,652
Why aren't you at work?

376
00:20:13,979 --> 00:20:15,390
Did Jesse tell you?

377
00:20:15,448 --> 00:20:17,792
You kind of gave it away with the
greasy hair and the pajamas.

378
00:20:18,417 --> 00:20:20,727
How you gonna pay your rent, girl?

379
00:20:21,087 --> 00:20:22,589
I have a savings account.

380
00:20:22,688 --> 00:20:24,224
Oh, right, your rich parents from Long Island

381
00:20:24,290 --> 00:20:26,270
that cut your sandwich up into cute little four squares

382
00:20:26,358 --> 00:20:27,564
until you went to prep school.

383
00:20:27,626 --> 00:20:28,866
Whatever.

384
00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:31,238
You're not a writer, You're some fake nail tech

385
00:20:31,297 --> 00:20:33,436
with a counterfeit diploma you
probably printed at Kinkos.

386
00:20:36,001 --> 00:20:37,139
Oh, Ming Lee!

387
00:20:42,408 --> 00:20:44,149
What did you say to her?

388
00:20:48,948 --> 00:20:52,828
Yeah, I'm your slave. I love being your slave.

389
00:20:53,552 --> 00:20:58,126
Yeah, put me in your cage! I wanna go in the cage!

390
00:20:58,224 --> 00:21:02,570
Wait! Wait, it's dark in here! I don't
wanna be in here anymore!

391
00:21:02,628 --> 00:21:04,608
I don't wanna be in here anymore!

392
00:21:04,663 --> 00:21:08,304
Yeah, your dick looks so big and it's looking at me!

393
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:10,107
Let me out! I'm scared! Katie?

394
00:21:10,202 --> 00:21:14,275
Please, let me out! Please, let me out! Let me out!

395
00:21:14,340 --> 00:21:15,512
I wanna...

396
00:21:17,209 --> 00:21:19,746
Just cum on my face. Got to go, bye.

397
00:21:19,812 --> 00:21:21,120
No, no, no...

398
00:21:33,225 --> 00:21:34,465
I'm hungry-

399
00:21:35,261 --> 00:21:37,207
You want the story or not?

400
00:21:38,497 --> 00:21:40,534
Yeah, sure. Fine. Whatever.

401
00:21:44,603 --> 00:21:46,776
When I first came to New York,

402
00:21:46,839 --> 00:21:49,012
I didn't have money, like I'm sure you did.

403
00:21:49,108 --> 00:21:50,985
And I didn't have parents that were like,

404
00:21:51,076 --> 00:21:54,023
"Oh, you can be the first pretty
president," or whatever, okay?

405
00:21:54,113 --> 00:21:55,717
My gram let me move in with her,

406
00:21:55,815 --> 00:21:57,385
but I was pretty much on my own.

407
00:21:57,483 --> 00:21:59,656
And then she died and I saw an ad

408
00:21:59,718 --> 00:22:01,857
in the Village Voice for a phone sex line

409
00:22:01,954 --> 00:22:04,662
and I called it, and I nailed my interview.

410
00:22:04,723 --> 00:22:06,566
And that's how I'm here.

411
00:22:06,992 --> 00:22:08,596
Why are you so mopey?

412
00:22:09,695 --> 00:22:12,699
Charlie changed his Facebook status to "single" today.

413
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:18,538
Sorry. I mean, I don't really deal with break-ups,

414
00:22:20,673 --> 00:22:22,175
but it's not so bad being alone.

415
00:22:22,875 --> 00:22:24,548
Take the cookie.

416
00:22:31,517 --> 00:22:32,894
So, how does it work'?

417
00:22:32,985 --> 00:22:35,522
Basically, like, whatever they say,

418
00:22:35,588 --> 00:22:37,693
I just tell them I wanna lick it.

419
00:22:37,756 --> 00:22:40,498
Like, nipple guy, lick it- Hairy balls? Lick 'em all.

420
00:22:40,559 --> 00:22:41,560
Okay. Ew.

421
00:22:41,660 --> 00:22:43,333
You have to know some dirty words.

422
00:22:43,395 --> 00:22:45,033
Didn't you talk during sex with Charlie?

423
00:22:45,130 --> 00:22:47,406
I mean, he loved when I would tell him he was sexy.

424
00:22:47,499 --> 00:22:49,376
Wow. Whatever.

425
00:22:49,435 --> 00:22:51,540
I meant, how do you get the calls?

426
00:22:51,604 --> 00:22:54,710
It's easy. I just call and tell 'em when
I'm on and they forward me the calls.

427
00:22:54,773 --> 00:22:56,582
How much are these guys paying?

428
00:22:56,709 --> 00:22:58,552
I think like $4.99.

429
00:22:58,611 --> 00:23:01,785
I get $1 a minute- It's a decent
enough living for me, though.

430
00:23:01,881 --> 00:23:04,623
Except I'm always going over
my cell phone minutes, but...

431
00:23:04,717 --> 00:23:06,219
Okay.

432
00:23:06,552 --> 00:23:08,862
First' get a land line.

433
00:23:08,921 --> 00:23:10,730
You're wasting your time for a buck a minute

434
00:23:10,856 --> 00:23:12,631
and this depraved company you work for

435
00:23:12,725 --> 00:23:15,399
makes four times as much as you for doing nothing.

436
00:23:15,461 --> 00:23:17,099
Get your own hotline.

437
00:23:17,196 --> 00:23:19,642
Okay, rude. I've thought of that.

438
00:23:19,798 --> 00:23:22,244
It just sounds like a ton of work.

439
00:23:22,334 --> 00:23:24,314
It's not a ton of work.

440
00:23:25,070 --> 00:23:26,811
You just call the phone company,

441
00:23:26,906 --> 00:23:28,908
they'll give you a new number,

442
00:23:29,008 --> 00:23:31,318
you'll set up a PayPal account,

443
00:23:31,410 --> 00:23:34,983
tell your repeat callers your new
number and you're done.

444
00:23:37,349 --> 00:23:38,953
You seem to know how to do this.

445
00:23:39,051 --> 00:23:41,258
Don't even think about it.

446
00:23:41,353 --> 00:23:42,593
Help me make this a business

447
00:23:42,655 --> 00:23:45,761
and I'll pay $100 of your rent until you get another job.

448
00:23:45,824 --> 00:23:46,928
No.

449
00:23:47,026 --> 00:23:48,061
Okay, forever.

450
00:23:49,929 --> 00:23:52,307
I have an interview tomorrow at Laxton Press.

451
00:23:52,398 --> 00:23:55,004
It is the second best publishing house in the world,

452
00:23:55,100 --> 00:23:57,808
it is my dream job and I'm perfect for it.

453
00:23:57,903 --> 00:24:01,009
Really? Okay, well, you go get
your fancy-pants boring job

454
00:24:01,106 --> 00:24:03,279
and I'll just be here being exciting.

455
00:24:03,375 --> 00:24:04,513
Fine.

456
00:24:05,311 --> 00:24:08,849
It's my 10:00 regular. His name's Sean.

457
00:24:08,948 --> 00:24:10,291
You know, you're not better than me.

458
00:24:10,382 --> 00:24:12,157
You're not better than phone sex!

459
00:24:14,053 --> 00:24:15,999
I'm better than phone sex.

460
00:24:17,389 --> 00:24:20,302
Just imagine me playing with
your balls while you fuck me.

461
00:24:20,392 --> 00:24:23,339
I wanna lick you from top to bottom.

462
00:24:23,429 --> 00:24:25,375
I wanna hear you cum.

463
00:24:28,267 --> 00:24:29,507
<i>Fuck!</i>

464
00:24:35,774 --> 00:24:36,844
Hi.

465
00:24:37,643 --> 00:24:38,883
Hi.

466
00:24:42,147 --> 00:24:44,149
So, not to drop a bomb on you,

467
00:24:44,249 --> 00:24:47,822
but it's our two-month anniversary this week.

468
00:24:48,354 --> 00:24:52,700
Yeah, I know. You don't got to
tell me. I got the phone bills'

469
00:24:52,791 --> 00:24:55,567
And don't take that the wrong
way. You know I like you.

470
00:24:55,661 --> 00:24:57,572
Yeah, I figured.

471
00:24:58,263 --> 00:25:00,539
Am I the only one you're phone banging?

472
00:25:00,632 --> 00:25:02,612
<i>You're the only one, period.</i>

473
00:25:02,701 --> 00:25:06,877
I don't know, it's just easier on the
phone. I get quiet around people.

474
00:25:07,639 --> 00:25:09,209
I'm shy, too.

475
00:25:09,308 --> 00:25:10,912
No, you're not.

476
00:25:11,010 --> 00:25:14,856
Last week you described a gang-bang
you had in college

477
00:25:14,913 --> 00:25:17,018
while I came all over my coffee table.

478
00:25:17,116 --> 00:25:22,088
Stop! Do not ever tell me what
I've said to you ever again.

479
00:25:22,221 --> 00:25:24,394
<i>I have another call coming in</i>

480
00:25:24,490 --> 00:25:25,696
and you need to save your pennies.

481
00:25:25,758 --> 00:25:27,738
I'll talk to you later, lover.

482
00:25:27,826 --> 00:25:28,896
Bye'

483
00:25:31,663 --> 00:25:33,040
Hello?

484
00:25:33,132 --> 00:25:36,602
Look, I'm qualified. I'm more than qualified for this job.

485
00:25:36,702 --> 00:25:40,411
I have wasted the last five years of my
life working for the wrong company.

486
00:25:40,506 --> 00:25:42,110
I'm ready to lake my career to the next level

487
00:25:42,207 --> 00:25:43,777
which is why I'm here with you.

488
00:25:43,876 --> 00:25:45,048
Okay.

489
00:25:45,144 --> 00:25:47,988
I am the most organized person you will ever meet.

490
00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:50,390
I am the most hard-working person you'll ever meet.

491
00:25:50,482 --> 00:25:51,460
Probably one of the smartest.

492
00:25:51,550 --> 00:25:53,154
Listen, the job we called you in for

493
00:25:53,252 --> 00:25:54,856
was filled via nepotism [his morning.

494
00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:57,366
Actually, it's not really nepotism. It's cronyism or...

495
00:25:57,423 --> 00:25:58,902
I don't know what it's called when you hire

496
00:25:58,957 --> 00:26:00,402
someones nephew, but there's no job,

497
00:26:00,492 --> 00:26:02,733
and there won't be another one for

498
00:26:02,795 --> 00:26:04,968
about three months for a junior editor.

499
00:26:06,031 --> 00:26:07,510
Three months?

500
00:26:09,268 --> 00:26:12,374
I really need a job right now.

501
00:26:13,972 --> 00:26:16,282
From the looks of this, you've had everything

502
00:26:16,408 --> 00:26:18,752
planned out since you were five-years-old.

503
00:26:18,811 --> 00:26:21,485
Maybe take a summer off

504
00:26:23,048 --> 00:26:26,928
from escorting Dawn's Syndrome
children to the Broadway theater.

505
00:26:28,353 --> 00:26:30,162
We all made fun of you.

506
00:26:31,523 --> 00:26:36,438
Work, you fucking piece of fucking motherfucking shit!

507
00:26:36,528 --> 00:26:37,506
Hi.

508
00:26:37,830 --> 00:26:39,207
Hi.

509
00:26:39,298 --> 00:26:41,904
Laxton Press isn't hiring for another three months.

510
00:26:41,967 --> 00:26:44,846
So, until then, I'm yours.

511
00:26:44,937 --> 00:26:46,109
Iwanna make a third of the profits

512
00:26:46,205 --> 00:26:47,309
and I'm not getting on the phone.

513
00:26:47,406 --> 00:26:48,441
It's strictly business.

514
00:26:48,540 --> 00:26:49,518
I wouldn't want you on the phone.

515
00:26:49,608 --> 00:26:50,780
You wouldn't have any idea what to do.

516
00:26:50,843 --> 00:26:52,015
Can you help me make a website?

517
00:26:52,111 --> 00:26:53,215
Of course, I could,

518
00:26:53,312 --> 00:26:54,791
but you don't need a website yet.

519
00:26:54,847 --> 00:26:57,794
You need a phone number and
a phone for your new landline.

520
00:26:59,017 --> 00:27:01,861
Oh, my God, you got me a gift!

521
00:27:01,954 --> 00:27:02,955
You're welcome.

522
00:27:03,021 --> 00:27:04,864
And it's pink!

523
00:27:05,858 --> 00:27:06,928
Okay.

524
00:27:06,992 --> 00:27:10,462
So I've been thinking about the concept of my line

525
00:27:10,562 --> 00:27:13,634
and the thing about it is that it's classic.

526
00:27:13,699 --> 00:27:17,476
It's always in style just like my pretty pink phone.

527
00:27:17,569 --> 00:27:21,176
These men wanna jerk off to your
voice. They don't need a concept.

528
00:27:21,273 --> 00:27:22,877
What's your number?

529
00:27:22,975 --> 00:27:24,784
Okay, slave driver.

530
00:27:25,978 --> 00:27:27,480
What about

531
00:27:28,514 --> 00:27:32,121
1-900-ASS-TIME?

532
00:27:32,184 --> 00:27:33,424
<i>No'?</i>

533
00:27:33,519 --> 00:27:36,659
1-900-U-FINGER?

534
00:27:36,722 --> 00:27:40,033
1-900-ASS-BAGS?

535
00:27:40,125 --> 00:27:41,365
No, no, no. TEA-BAGS?

536
00:27:41,460 --> 00:27:42,700
Something with "bags" in it. I don't know.

537
00:27:42,794 --> 00:27:44,467
1-900-VAG-BAGS?

538
00:27:44,530 --> 00:27:46,373
Mmm.

539
00:27:46,465 --> 00:27:48,877
Oh, my God, this smells so good.

540
00:27:48,967 --> 00:27:50,071
Mmm!

541
00:27:51,270 --> 00:27:52,510
That's not bad.

542
00:27:53,038 --> 00:27:54,244
1-900-VAG-BAGS?

543
00:27:54,439 --> 00:27:55,679
No.

544
00:27:55,741 --> 00:27:59,621
No. 1-900-MMM-HMMM.

545
00:28:00,012 --> 00:28:01,719
Mmm!

546
00:28:01,813 --> 00:28:04,293
Like, 1-900-M-M-M..

547
00:28:04,383 --> 00:28:07,023
H-M-M-M.

548
00:28:07,085 --> 00:28:08,086
Yeah.

549
00:28:08,387 --> 00:28:10,094
Ooh.

550
00:28:10,189 --> 00:28:11,668
I like it.

551
00:28:12,891 --> 00:28:14,427
That's it!

552
00:28:14,927 --> 00:28:16,429
Yes!

553
00:28:17,396 --> 00:28:20,536
I love it! I love it so much!

554
00:28:22,367 --> 00:28:23,971
Hello, world!

555
00:28:24,069 --> 00:28:29,018
For a good time, call 1-900-M-M-M-H-M-M-M!

556
00:28:33,579 --> 00:28:34,922
We have a business!

557
00:28:36,848 --> 00:28:38,725
1-900-MMM-HMMM?

558
00:28:38,784 --> 00:28:42,357
Yes, I am. Hold for billing, please. Billing!

559
00:28:42,788 --> 00:28:44,665
Misty, it's Dan from Connecticut.

560
00:28:44,756 --> 00:28:47,236
Cheryl, it's Eddie from East Lansing.

561
00:28:47,326 --> 00:28:49,169
Rachel' it's Schleheim again.

562
00:28:49,695 --> 00:28:52,733
Guzzling cum'? My favorite! Lauren!

563
00:28:52,965 --> 00:28:54,103
Tootsie!

564
00:28:54,233 --> 00:28:55,303
Champagne!

565
00:28:55,500 --> 00:28:57,810
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

566
00:28:58,070 --> 00:28:59,105
D.J.?

567
00:28:59,371 --> 00:29:00,577
Stephanie?

568
00:29:00,906 --> 00:29:02,943
No! No! I said no! No!

569
00:29:03,141 --> 00:29:05,018
Cindy' Aaron with the low-hangers.

570
00:29:05,410 --> 00:29:06,889
April, get the water bottles.

571
00:29:06,945 --> 00:29:08,822
It's John, the one who likes to hear you pee.

572
00:29:09,114 --> 00:29:11,617
Mmm. You sound like a redhead. Do
you have freckles on your dick?

573
00:29:11,717 --> 00:29:13,822
See, what I do is just wait till it comes out on DVD

574
00:29:13,919 --> 00:29:15,421
and then I just watch it all in a row.

575
00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:17,227
Oh! Fuck, that's my cervix!

576
00:29:17,689 --> 00:29:20,465
Whoa, whoa! This is still Billing!

577
00:29:20,759 --> 00:29:23,603
<i>ON PHONE; Hi, it's Katie. Leave a message. Bye!</i>

578
00:29:24,830 --> 00:29:27,572
Hey, good job not calling me back. Well done.

579
00:29:27,633 --> 00:29:31,308
Is this number a beeper'? Because
a human never answers. Jesus.

580
00:29:32,437 --> 00:29:34,246
Oh, I love that smell.

581
00:29:35,374 --> 00:29:36,444
Mmm.

582
00:29:36,541 --> 00:29:38,020
Can I lick it'?

583
00:29:38,610 --> 00:29:42,649
You're a dirty girl, Misty. Oh, my
God. you're gonna make me go.

584
00:29:43,282 --> 00:29:46,388
Ooh, it's so good. It's so good!

585
00:29:47,853 --> 00:29:50,197
I want to get on my hands and Knees

586
00:29:50,289 --> 00:29:52,599
and reverse into that big cock.

587
00:29:52,658 --> 00:29:55,639
Yeah, back it up. Back it up.

588
00:30:00,999 --> 00:30:02,103
Beep.

589
00:30:03,602 --> 00:30:05,878
Beep, beep.

590
00:30:06,872 --> 00:30:09,148
Beep. Beep,

591
00:30:09,207 --> 00:30:13,349
Toot, toot! Oh! Beep, beep! Toot, toot!

592
00:30:13,679 --> 00:30:15,625
Beep, beep, beep, beep!

593
00:30:15,681 --> 00:30:18,184
Beep, beep, beep, beep!

594
00:30:18,283 --> 00:30:22,390
Loadin' dock! Loadin' dock! Dick dock! Dick dock!

595
00:30:22,487 --> 00:30:24,694
Yeah, fill me, fill me up!

596
00:30:30,762 --> 00:30:34,335
You all done'? Okay, honey. Call us back soon. Bye.

597
00:30:34,433 --> 00:30:36,208
I thought he was never gonna cum.

598
00:30:42,507 --> 00:30:44,509
Welcome to Jersey, ma'am.

599
00:30:52,451 --> 00:30:54,795
You're right. It really does open up the space.

600
00:30:54,886 --> 00:30:56,058
Actually, I have some things to tell you.

601
00:30:56,988 --> 00:30:58,524
I've instated a 10-minute minimum

602
00:30:58,623 --> 00:31:00,830
so we don't have to waste time with
those two-pump Johnnys anymore.

603
00:31:00,892 --> 00:31:02,428
I like it. Okay.

604
00:31:02,527 --> 00:31:03,562
Second, and this is the big one,

605
00:31:03,662 --> 00:31:04,640
Okay.

606
00:31:04,730 --> 00:31:07,438
We've made $12,000 in three weeks!

607
00:31:07,532 --> 00:31:08,567
No. Yes.

608
00:31:08,667 --> 00:31:10,044
Oh, my God! I know!

609
00:31:10,102 --> 00:31:13,675
And because of that, I felt like
just to be safe business-wise,

610
00:31:13,739 --> 00:31:15,616
I incorporated us so we're now an LLC.

611
00:31:15,707 --> 00:31:17,118
No shit! Yes.

612
00:31:17,209 --> 00:31:19,917
Well, fuck Grandma! Can I get us that new couch?

613
00:31:20,011 --> 00:31:21,456
Sure. Okay.

614
00:31:21,546 --> 00:31:24,390
I really, really need you to drink
this green tea I made for you

615
00:31:24,483 --> 00:31:26,190
because you're getting all hoarse again.

616
00:31:26,251 --> 00:31:28,231
I know. I got to keep the throat lubed.

617
00:31:29,488 --> 00:31:32,560
I have also been thinking and I was wondering

618
00:31:32,657 --> 00:31:34,694
if maybe we could hire some dumb-ass

619
00:31:34,760 --> 00:31:36,762
to work for us for$1 a minute?

620
00:31:38,497 --> 00:31:39,737
Um...

621
00:31:39,831 --> 00:31:41,037
Yeah. Yeah, we could do that.

622
00:31:41,099 --> 00:31:44,546
GASPS) Perfect because I already found her!

623
00:31:44,603 --> 00:31:46,105
You did? Yes. She writes...

624
00:31:46,204 --> 00:31:49,242
"Dear slut talkers, look no further.

625
00:31:49,307 --> 00:31:52,948
"I scared my last boyfriend away
by how dirty I talked in bed.

626
00:31:53,044 --> 00:31:54,785
"Here's a taste."

627
00:31:55,580 --> 00:31:57,491
"Fuck my tits until they're so raw,

628
00:31:57,582 --> 00:31:59,425
"you have to move down to my itty bitty..."

629
00:31:59,518 --> 00:32:03,796
...-itty bitty, edible gummy-wear thong.

630
00:32:03,889 --> 00:32:06,961
I am loud, lam creative

631
00:32:07,058 --> 00:32:10,335
and I love giving phone blowies.

632
00:32:11,696 --> 00:32:14,734
So this is a nice couch.

633
00:32:15,267 --> 00:32:18,771
And also, I've been practicing my baby voice.

634
00:32:19,604 --> 00:32:22,847
"That won't fit, mister!"

635
00:32:24,109 --> 00:32:27,921
Not really for us. We really try to
stay away from the pedo thing.

636
00:32:27,979 --> 00:32:30,687
You do really sound like a baby,
though, so congrats on that.

637
00:32:32,317 --> 00:32:33,318
May I?

638
00:32:34,486 --> 00:32:36,830
Oh, the stripper pole? Sure, go for a spin.

639
00:32:36,922 --> 00:32:38,196
Has it been used today?

640
00:32:38,323 --> 00:32:39,563
Not today.

641
00:32:39,658 --> 00:32:40,966
Okay, great.

642
00:32:41,026 --> 00:32:42,027
I love her!

643
00:32:42,127 --> 00:32:43,162
Love her!

644
00:32:48,200 --> 00:32:50,840
Look at you, you're a natural.

645
00:32:51,303 --> 00:32:53,044
So... You are very flexible,

646
00:32:53,171 --> 00:32:54,343
She's better than me.

647
00:32:54,439 --> 00:32:55,474
Well, let's not..

648
00:32:55,574 --> 00:32:57,554
Okay, we charge a 10-minute minimum,

649
00:32:57,642 --> 00:33:01,146
so the point is just keep the guys
on the call as long as possible,

650
00:33:01,213 --> 00:33:03,887
Just make sure that they bring up the sex stuff, okay?

651
00:33:03,982 --> 00:33:05,325
You just small talk from the gel go

652
00:33:05,383 --> 00:33:06,657
and see what happens after that.

653
00:33:06,751 --> 00:33:08,094
I'm from Maui

654
00:33:08,186 --> 00:33:10,393
and I love to take my cat to the dog park

655
00:33:10,489 --> 00:33:12,469
on Sunday mornings in my bikini.

656
00:33:15,660 --> 00:33:17,003
I mean, it's perfect. Amazing.

657
00:33:17,062 --> 00:33:18,871
You got to be on your A-game, though, for every call.

658
00:33:18,964 --> 00:33:19,999
All right, don't listen to this,

659
00:33:20,065 --> 00:33:22,341
but I don't care if they wanna take
a pretend dump on your boobs.

660
00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:23,902
You just roll with it and act like it's sexy.

661
00:33:24,002 --> 00:33:25,072
Can we see it'?

662
00:33:25,303 --> 00:33:30,514
Steamy! I like it right there!

663
00:33:31,209 --> 00:33:32,244
Ooh!

664
00:33:33,645 --> 00:33:35,921
Get over here! Welcome to our family!

665
00:33:44,022 --> 00:33:47,435
I just came in my panties and I'm a squirter, honey!

666
00:33:48,260 --> 00:33:51,366
You wanna smell them? 'Cause they smell so good!

667
00:33:52,330 --> 00:33:56,244
Yeah, you can have them for $29.95,
plus shipping and handling.

668
00:33:57,736 --> 00:34:02,207
Good boy. I'm gonna make 'em
nice and wet just for you!

669
00:34:03,275 --> 00:34:05,016
- Surprise!
- Hi! Hi!

670
00:34:05,076 --> 00:34:06,885
Hello! Oh, my God!

671
00:34:07,345 --> 00:34:08,415
Hi!

672
00:34:08,513 --> 00:34:10,550
Daddy had an appointment in the city this afternoon

673
00:34:10,649 --> 00:34:11,957
and I wanted to check out the sale at Barneys

674
00:34:12,050 --> 00:34:13,723
and we figured as long as we
were in the neighborhood“.

675
00:34:13,818 --> 00:34:15,923
Your mother's lying. So sorry we didn't call.

676
00:34:16,021 --> 00:34:17,694
Okay. Just give me one second, okay?

677
00:34:17,756 --> 00:34:18,791
Sure.

678
00:34:21,660 --> 00:34:22,798
Fuck.

679
00:34:24,129 --> 00:34:27,076
I'm so glad Charlie let you keep
the dishes. That's only fair.

680
00:34:27,132 --> 00:34:30,636
This is like the longest hallway in Manhattan.

681
00:34:32,003 --> 00:34:34,574
Brought your favorite, boo-boo kitty. Magnolia!

682
00:34:34,673 --> 00:34:35,708
Thanks, Mom!

683
00:34:35,774 --> 00:34:38,414
Hello. Hello. Oh, and this is a potted plant.

684
00:34:38,476 --> 00:34:40,080
Great. Thank you.

685
00:34:40,145 --> 00:34:42,591
KATIE' Hit it! I'm so close!

686
00:34:43,615 --> 00:34:44,992
That's...

687
00:34:45,483 --> 00:34:48,430
That's my roommate. She's exercising in her room.

688
00:34:48,486 --> 00:34:50,159
What is that'?

689
00:34:50,255 --> 00:34:51,928
Is that a stripper pole?

690
00:34:52,023 --> 00:34:53,229
Oh!

691
00:34:53,291 --> 00:34:54,964
Yeah, it is.

692
00:34:55,060 --> 00:34:57,666
Oh, my God, is your roommate a stripper?

693
00:34:57,762 --> 00:35:01,767
No! Oh, my God No, she's not a stripper!
She exercises on there.

694
00:35:01,866 --> 00:35:02,901
You know, it's good for your abs.

695
00:35:02,968 --> 00:35:04,345
That's not structural.

696
00:35:05,170 --> 00:35:07,172
Have one of these guys. You had
me worried for a second.

697
00:35:07,272 --> 00:35:09,684
Actually, honey, Daddy and I were
in your account this week

698
00:35:09,774 --> 00:35:12,448
to make a lime gift deposit.

699
00:35:12,510 --> 00:35:13,682
You guys still watch my account?

700
00:35:13,778 --> 00:35:15,121
We couldn't help but notice that

701
00:35:15,180 --> 00:35:16,488
you have 10 grand in that account.

702
00:35:16,581 --> 00:35:19,460
Did Morty finally give you that promotion?

703
00:35:20,719 --> 00:35:21,993
Did he'?

704
00:35:23,922 --> 00:35:26,402
Yeah. Yeah, he did.

705
00:35:26,491 --> 00:35:30,462
I know, I am so sorry. I don't know
why I forgot to tell you guys.

706
00:35:30,595 --> 00:35:32,074
Sweetie, it's just not like you

707
00:35:32,163 --> 00:35:33,836
to keep these things to yourself.

708
00:35:33,932 --> 00:35:35,605
Scott! Adele!

709
00:35:36,368 --> 00:35:39,815
Katie. Oh, God, what a pleasure.

710
00:35:39,904 --> 00:35:41,474
It's so nice to meet you. You.

711
00:35:41,539 --> 00:35:43,109
Well, okay. Oh, my goodness.

712
00:35:43,208 --> 00:35:45,188
Lauren didn't tell me how good-looking you were.

713
00:35:45,276 --> 00:35:47,654
Why don't you sit down'? Let's
get to Know each other, then.

714
00:35:47,746 --> 00:35:48,850
I would love that.

715
00:35:48,947 --> 00:35:52,394
I would love to do that because I love parents,

716
00:35:53,518 --> 00:35:58,365
but our very good friend Krissy is coming over

717
00:35:58,456 --> 00:36:01,437
and she just went through one of

718
00:36:01,559 --> 00:36:04,563
the worst break-ups I've ever been privy to.

719
00:36:04,663 --> 00:36:06,506
Don't even get me started. Oh, my God.

720
00:36:06,564 --> 00:36:08,544
I told you this was gonna be a bad time.

721
00:36:08,633 --> 00:36:10,112
You guys... We'll stop into the city again really soon.

722
00:36:10,201 --> 00:36:12,738
She's just heart-broken. If we
can just do this another time?

723
00:36:12,837 --> 00:36:14,214
I understand. Okay.

724
00:36:14,305 --> 00:36:15,477
They need some time.

725
00:36:15,540 --> 00:36:17,213
Your promotion's a big deal. We've got to celebrate.

726
00:36:17,308 --> 00:36:19,345
I know. Oh, thank you.

727
00:36:19,411 --> 00:36:20,685
Oh, dear.

728
00:36:20,779 --> 00:36:22,918
Look who I found, just surviving.

729
00:36:23,014 --> 00:36:24,516
You're doing good. Hi.

730
00:36:24,582 --> 00:36:25,856
Hi. I'm Krissy.

731
00:36:25,950 --> 00:36:30,057
Krissy, I'm Adele. Sweetie, I know
we just met, but listen,

732
00:36:30,155 --> 00:36:31,759
life is full of ups and downs

733
00:36:31,856 --> 00:36:32,926
and good times will come again. It is.

734
00:36:33,024 --> 00:36:34,196
Adele and I were separated, it worked out fine.

735
00:36:34,259 --> 00:36:35,499
Come on, honey, let's go,

736
00:36:35,560 --> 00:36:36,698
Feel better, honey.

737
00:36:36,795 --> 00:36:38,069
I'm gonna walk them out. Okay.

738
00:36:38,163 --> 00:36:39,608
Nice to meet you, Katie.

739
00:36:42,801 --> 00:36:46,339
There, there, sweet thing. I've got you,

740
00:36:46,404 --> 00:36:47,576
Okay.

741
00:36:47,672 --> 00:36:48,844
I've got you. I do.

742
00:36:48,907 --> 00:36:50,045
It's over' you guys.

743
00:36:50,141 --> 00:36:51,176
Oh. Oh.

744
00:36:51,242 --> 00:36:53,483
Let's get this fuck show started!

745
00:36:54,345 --> 00:36:56,291
Please hold for Misty.

746
00:36:57,182 --> 00:37:00,095
Krissy! It's John from San Jose!

747
00:37:02,287 --> 00:37:04,392
Oh, God, it feels good to have a night off'

748
00:37:04,456 --> 00:37:06,299
I feel like I was always meant to be an employer

749
00:37:06,391 --> 00:37:08,268
and not an employee.

750
00:37:08,927 --> 00:37:11,567
Do you remember the last time we left this apartment?

751
00:37:11,629 --> 00:37:14,132
No, I really don't.

752
00:37:14,232 --> 00:37:15,472
Can I braid your hair'?

753
00:37:17,702 --> 00:37:18,806
Okay.

754
00:37:19,370 --> 00:37:20,974
I want you to go get a bowl of milk.

755
00:37:21,072 --> 00:37:23,746
A very, very full bowl of milk.

756
00:37:23,842 --> 00:37:26,049
And then I want to squat over top of it.

757
00:37:26,177 --> 00:37:28,418
You're gonna dangle your boys in there.

758
00:37:28,480 --> 00:37:30,357
What's that, did I hear a dog in the background'?

759
00:37:30,448 --> 00:37:34,055
Okay. I want you to go get some
kibble. Yes, go get some kibble.

760
00:37:34,119 --> 00:37:36,599
I want you to take two pieces, put them in your mouth.

761
00:37:36,654 --> 00:37:38,600
Take three pieces and put them in your bum.

762
00:37:38,923 --> 00:37:41,733
Okay, do you have any potted plants around you?

763
00:37:41,860 --> 00:37:44,272
Okay, I want you to go grab that potted plant.

764
00:37:44,329 --> 00:37:45,330
Good. Did it crack'?

765
00:37:45,563 --> 00:37:46,940
Ooh. I like that.

766
00:37:47,031 --> 00:37:49,307
Okay, now I want you to crack all your toes.

767
00:37:49,400 --> 00:37:50,777
Now, when you're on the tenth one,

768
00:37:50,869 --> 00:37:55,818
I want you to pull each lace out of
your shoe very slowly. Good boy.

769
00:37:55,907 --> 00:37:57,477
Now, when you have that lace out,

770
00:37:57,575 --> 00:37:59,521
I want you to wrap it around your balls.

771
00:37:59,611 --> 00:38:01,613
You're gonna start tugging really gentle.

772
00:38:01,679 --> 00:38:04,785
New, I'm gonna deliver you a very special message

773
00:38:04,883 --> 00:38:07,625
and when I do that, I want you to pull real hard, okay?

774
00:38:07,685 --> 00:38:09,255
You got that lace? Good.

775
00:38:09,320 --> 00:38:11,960
Here's your special message, Mr. Phone Caller.

776
00:38:12,056 --> 00:38:15,503
Girl, you do a good braid.

777
00:38:16,361 --> 00:38:19,365
I feel like she's talking a lot of calls in there.

778
00:38:19,464 --> 00:38:21,273
Do you wanna go check? Yeah.

779
00:38:21,332 --> 00:38:22,640
Okay.

780
00:38:22,700 --> 00:38:25,180
You've got your hairy dick in your hand, yeah?

781
00:38:25,270 --> 00:38:28,945
That plastic bag over your head?
You feel like a naughty boy?

782
00:38:29,007 --> 00:38:32,648
You know who else thinks you're
a naughty boy'? G-O-D.

783
00:38:32,710 --> 00:38:35,816
Forget this number, Do you want
God to damn you to Hell'?

784
00:38:35,914 --> 00:38:38,394
Because he just did.

785
00:38:38,483 --> 00:38:40,190
What the fuck! Get the fuck off the phone!

786
00:38:40,318 --> 00:38:42,025
We're running a business here!

787
00:38:42,120 --> 00:38:44,396
God bless you. Jesus loves you.

788
00:38:46,024 --> 00:38:49,062
Your business is disgusting.

789
00:38:51,462 --> 00:38:53,942
What is that'?

790
00:38:54,032 --> 00:38:55,033
It's a cross.

791
00:38:55,133 --> 00:38:58,114
I know what it is! I know what it is!

792
00:38:58,203 --> 00:39:01,013
I am an undercover agent of [he Lord.

793
00:39:01,105 --> 00:39:03,346
And you two didn't even know. Even you.

794
00:39:03,741 --> 00:39:05,345
And you seem smart.

795
00:39:05,410 --> 00:39:07,412
I saved some souls tonight

796
00:39:07,512 --> 00:39:10,356
and that's more than I can say
for you two phone whores!

797
00:39:10,415 --> 00:39:13,419
All right, well, obviously you're
fired! Out! Out with you!

798
00:39:13,518 --> 00:39:15,122
Get out! Jesus loves you, too.

799
00:39:15,220 --> 00:39:17,359
Come on! Out, out, out!

800
00:39:17,422 --> 00:39:18,867
Let there be no filth in this“.

801
00:39:18,957 --> 00:39:20,368
Yeah, yeah, yeah! We're Jews.

802
00:39:23,895 --> 00:39:25,431
I don't wanna hear it!

803
00:39:29,701 --> 00:39:31,738
<i>Oh God,I'm cumming!</i>

804
00:39:31,836 --> 00:39:33,008
Amen!

805
00:39:35,673 --> 00:39:38,950
Oh, my God Fucking Craigslist.

806
00:39:40,144 --> 00:39:41,452
What happened?

807
00:39:43,081 --> 00:39:47,052
I just picked up the phone and he came.

808
00:39:47,151 --> 00:39:49,995
I should be our second operator.

809
00:39:50,088 --> 00:39:52,932
I don't wanna be boring anymore.

810
00:39:54,158 --> 00:39:55,933
Are you high?

811
00:39:56,027 --> 00:39:57,404
I appreciate the sentiment,

812
00:39:57,462 --> 00:39:59,965
but we just lost half our callers

813
00:40:00,064 --> 00:40:02,544
to fucking Jesus of Nazareth back there.

814
00:40:03,568 --> 00:40:07,141
Look, I will do whatever you tell me to do.

815
00:40:07,238 --> 00:40:10,651
<i>I will lick whatever you want me to lick.</i>

816
00:40:11,709 --> 00:40:14,246
I will make us so much money.

817
00:40:14,345 --> 00:40:16,985
I'm good at everything. You know that.

818
00:40:17,782 --> 00:40:19,318
All right.

819
00:40:20,285 --> 00:40:22,731
I'm gonna take a chance on you, kid.

820
00:40:23,221 --> 00:40:25,963
We start training tomorrow.

821
00:40:28,092 --> 00:40:31,471
Now, you just say the words as I point lo them, okay?

822
00:40:31,562 --> 00:40:33,667
"Dripping, hole, clenches."

823
00:40:33,765 --> 00:40:34,766
Next.

824
00:40:34,832 --> 00:40:36,778
"Hard, cock, jams."

825
00:40:36,834 --> 00:40:37,812
Next.

826
00:40:37,902 --> 00:40:39,939
"Wet, snatch, opens."

827
00:40:40,038 --> 00:40:41,016
Say it like you mean it!

828
00:40:41,105 --> 00:40:43,085
Okay, let's give this a try.

829
00:40:43,841 --> 00:40:45,218
There's a lot of dildos in there.

830
00:40:45,310 --> 00:40:47,187
What'? I used to work in a sex shop.

831
00:40:50,081 --> 00:40:53,858
Oh, I rove it when your cock is in my mouth!

832
00:40:55,853 --> 00:40:56,854
Now you try.

833
00:40:59,757 --> 00:41:01,464
Has this ever been in your...

834
00:41:03,227 --> 00:41:04,205
Hello?

835
00:41:04,796 --> 00:41:06,639
Tell me what you're wearing, you dirty little slut.

836
00:41:06,698 --> 00:41:08,439
Oh, it's this cute dress from Cynthia Vincent'

837
00:41:08,833 --> 00:41:11,780
Lauren! Hey, I thought we were
gonna take this seriously, right?

838
00:41:11,970 --> 00:41:13,005
Harder! Faster!

839
00:41:13,104 --> 00:41:15,277
Harder! Faster!

840
00:41:15,406 --> 00:41:18,876
I'm wearing a lacy, pink thong. It slid right up my ass.

841
00:41:19,477 --> 00:41:22,481
And a bra that is just so tight on my heaving breasts.

842
00:41:22,714 --> 00:41:23,784
Good. Good.

843
00:41:28,119 --> 00:41:31,225
I like it when they're long and hard,

844
00:41:31,322 --> 00:41:35,793
oh, when they really are just so, so meaty.

845
00:41:40,465 --> 00:41:42,672
Jesus' have you murdered each other?

846
00:41:42,800 --> 00:41:45,007
It's some real War of the Roses shit.

847
00:41:45,103 --> 00:41:46,514
I feel like Danny DeVito. Call me.

848
00:41:51,442 --> 00:41:53,683
I wanna rub your breasts when I see you in that dress.

849
00:41:53,745 --> 00:41:54,883
<i>Mmm-hmm.</i>

850
00:41:54,979 --> 00:41:56,754
I wanna rub my own breasts
when I see you in that dress.

851
00:41:56,848 --> 00:41:59,920
Ooh, yeah? Where else are you pink?

852
00:42:00,018 --> 00:42:03,329
Iwanna take you to dinner when
I see you in that dress.

853
00:42:03,388 --> 00:42:06,267
Then, after dinner, I'm gonna take
you home and I'm gonna fuck you,

854
00:42:06,391 --> 00:42:08,268
I'm gonna rip that dress off you

855
00:42:08,359 --> 00:42:09,770
and I'm gonna fuck you so hard.

856
00:42:09,861 --> 00:42:10,862
Cum for me, baby.

857
00:42:10,928 --> 00:42:11,929
BOTH' Boop!

858
00:42:12,063 --> 00:42:16,102
Yes! Yes! Oh, I'm cumming! I'm cumming!
I'm cumming! I'm cumming!

859
00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:19,079
Oh, God, yes! Oh, yes.

860
00:42:21,506 --> 00:42:25,852
Well, I just blew my load all over
your tits. I'll see you inside-

861
00:42:28,346 --> 00:42:31,793
Hey, don't make fun of me, but I'm
gonna send you that essay I wrote.

862
00:42:31,883 --> 00:42:33,624
<i>I'll send you that film I cut.</i>

863
00:42:34,685 --> 00:42:38,462
It's only the longest short film in the history of cinema.

864
00:42:38,556 --> 00:42:40,467
Is this the one about the little man

865
00:42:40,558 --> 00:42:42,435
that lives inside of the cardigan?

866
00:42:42,527 --> 00:42:46,737
No, this one is about the conjoined
twins who found happiness.

867
00:42:48,232 --> 00:42:49,438
Oh, okay.

868
00:42:49,534 --> 00:42:51,946
That's my other line, but call me later

869
00:42:52,036 --> 00:42:54,448
and let's talk about them. Bye.

870
00:42:57,041 --> 00:42:59,021
1-900-MMM-HMMM.

871
00:43:00,411 --> 00:43:01,822
Uh, a three-way?

872
00:43:03,548 --> 00:43:04,720
Um...

873
00:43:04,782 --> 00:43:07,786
Yes, we can do that.

874
00:43:08,786 --> 00:43:10,595
Hold for Billing, please.

875
00:43:12,090 --> 00:43:13,330
Lauren!

876
00:43:15,126 --> 00:43:16,161
You need me to run the card'!

877
00:43:16,828 --> 00:43:20,833
Yes, and then I need you to stay.

878
00:43:23,534 --> 00:43:25,741
It's time for your first call, honey.

879
00:43:28,573 --> 00:43:29,677
Ready?

880
00:43:29,841 --> 00:43:30,979
Yes.

881
00:43:37,081 --> 00:43:38,185
Hi.

882
00:43:38,950 --> 00:43:42,159
I'm Kitty and I'm here with my friend.

883
00:43:43,254 --> 00:43:45,495
Hello' I'm...

884
00:43:47,225 --> 00:43:48,363
...Catty.

885
00:43:48,459 --> 00:43:50,302
Hello, Kitty and Catty.

886
00:43:50,394 --> 00:43:54,001
I guarantee you, that's gonna confuse
me once I start whackin' off

887
00:43:54,098 --> 00:43:56,135
but for now that's okay.

888
00:43:56,234 --> 00:44:00,876
I've heard you've been a bad boy
and I'm here to save you.

889
00:44:02,406 --> 00:44:05,046
I'm actually the one who will be doing the saving

890
00:44:05,143 --> 00:44:07,749
because I am a goddamn man

891
00:44:07,845 --> 00:44:11,816
who flies people through the
sky on a bird made of steel.

892
00:44:11,883 --> 00:44:16,889
I'm an airplane pilot and I'm masturbating
while taking a shit'

893
00:44:16,988 --> 00:44:18,331
Tell me what you ladies are wearing.

894
00:44:18,422 --> 00:44:22,700
Well, Catty is wearing a lace nightie

895
00:44:22,793 --> 00:44:27,071
and I'm caressing her with my tongue.

896
00:44:27,165 --> 00:44:30,908
<i>Okay. I'm starting to masturbate and I'm done pooing</i>

897
00:44:31,002 --> 00:44:33,414
What part of her skin specifically

898
00:44:33,538 --> 00:44:35,916
are you caressing with your tongue?

899
00:44:38,142 --> 00:44:39,587
My nipples.

900
00:44:40,077 --> 00:44:41,181
Nice.

901
00:44:41,279 --> 00:44:43,350
Okay. Great.

902
00:44:43,447 --> 00:44:45,427
Now you know what I want you guys to do?

903
00:44:45,516 --> 00:44:48,520
I want you to put your tongues on a collision course

904
00:44:48,619 --> 00:44:50,724
and just ram those fuckers.

905
00:44:50,821 --> 00:44:51,856
Ram tongues.

906
00:44:59,397 --> 00:45:02,867
Catty is... Oh, she's such a good kisser.

907
00:45:03,634 --> 00:45:07,172
Her lips are so luscious and wet.

908
00:45:07,238 --> 00:45:09,775
Okay, so, Catty,

909
00:45:09,874 --> 00:45:13,083
what do Kitty's underpants look like'?

910
00:45:16,047 --> 00:45:17,219
Oh! They're so cute!

911
00:45:17,315 --> 00:45:21,730
<i>I mean, they're.-- Well, they're leopard print.</i>

912
00:45:21,786 --> 00:45:26,462
There is an animal up her tight, sexy ass-.

913
00:45:28,192 --> 00:45:29,296
<i>Nice.</i>

914
00:45:30,094 --> 00:45:32,040
<i>Kitty, what do Garry's underpants {oak like?</i>

915
00:45:33,064 --> 00:45:36,136
She's not wearing any panties. Do you like that?

916
00:45:36,801 --> 00:45:39,543
No, I don't. I think that's gross, to be totally honest.

917
00:45:39,604 --> 00:45:40,605
You're just, what'?

918
00:45:40,705 --> 00:45:43,879
You're just sweating vagina juice in your jeans all day?

919
00:45:43,941 --> 00:45:45,545
That's disgusting. Put on underpants.

920
00:45:45,610 --> 00:45:49,581
<i>Tell me when you have them on.</i>
<i>So I can keep masturbating.</i>

921
00:45:49,680 --> 00:45:50,886
Jerry, come on, the flight's about to leave.

922
00:45:50,948 --> 00:45:53,588
Dude, I'm jerking off in here,
right this second, literally,

923
00:45:53,684 --> 00:45:56,392
and you're ruining it. Just delay the flight, okay'?

924
00:45:57,521 --> 00:46:00,832
<i>Now, Catty, look at Kitty and tell me what you see.</i>

925
00:46:09,900 --> 00:46:11,846
She's so pretty.

926
00:46:13,237 --> 00:46:17,117
She has the most beautiful eyes.

927
00:46:17,842 --> 00:46:22,518
And her hair is soft around her face.

928
00:46:23,180 --> 00:46:27,128
KATIE' And Catty is so beautiful

929
00:46:27,952 --> 00:46:33,197
She has this luminous skin that I would kill for.

930
00:46:34,458 --> 00:46:37,803
She is so nice and honest,

931
00:46:37,862 --> 00:46:39,705
and such a good friend.

932
00:46:41,399 --> 00:46:45,040
Kitty is just so fun and outgoing

933
00:46:45,136 --> 00:46:48,379
and she lights up every room.

934
00:46:49,307 --> 00:46:51,548
And she gives great manicures.

935
00:46:54,578 --> 00:46:57,616
You guys have any dildos or anything like that around?

936
00:47:16,200 --> 00:47:18,339
Listen, last night was“.

937
00:47:19,203 --> 00:47:22,810
You made me proud. You're a
real phone sex operator now.

938
00:47:23,674 --> 00:47:24,982
I know.

939
00:47:26,377 --> 00:47:27,754
I'm a slut.

940
00:47:29,080 --> 00:47:30,388
Is it okay I'm a slut?

941
00:47:30,481 --> 00:47:31,755
Yeah.

942
00:47:33,351 --> 00:47:36,230
A slut that made $800 in one night!

943
00:47:40,791 --> 00:47:43,533
I don't know if I'm just, like, being emotional

944
00:47:43,627 --> 00:47:45,334
because of last night or whatever,

945
00:47:45,396 --> 00:47:48,206
but I want you to stay.

946
00:47:49,166 --> 00:47:51,407
Really stay. Past the summer.

947
00:47:52,937 --> 00:47:54,075
Okay.

948
00:47:55,239 --> 00:47:56,718
Pinky swear.

949
00:48:06,384 --> 00:48:10,628
I have a friend who's a girl. And I like it!

950
00:48:11,756 --> 00:48:15,135
You can't take that job at Laxton
Publishing. Lets go full time,

951
00:48:15,226 --> 00:48:16,534
Okay.

952
00:48:17,027 --> 00:48:18,700
It's Laxton Press.

953
00:48:19,897 --> 00:48:21,570
And last night was my first night,

954
00:48:21,665 --> 00:48:23,269
so let's just take this as it comes, okay?

955
00:48:23,367 --> 00:48:26,246
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I get it.

956
00:48:26,871 --> 00:48:28,578
I almost forgot.

957
00:48:29,507 --> 00:48:31,851
We're gonna be twins!

958
00:48:35,045 --> 00:48:36,752
I'll have you know I schlepped all the way

959
00:48:36,847 --> 00:48:38,485
to Brooklyn to get this for you.

960
00:48:39,116 --> 00:48:41,118
I will not let you down.

961
00:48:43,154 --> 00:48:46,829
I'm only givin' it to you because
you said I had a nice ass.

962
00:48:54,598 --> 00:48:56,771
<i>Mmm. Eat me for lunch at your desk!</i>

963
00:49:00,104 --> 00:49:02,015
That feels so good.

964
00:49:03,140 --> 00:49:05,120
Do you have a big calculator?

965
00:49:06,143 --> 00:49:09,249
I have to pee so bad! It's Harold, our new tax attorney.

966
00:49:09,313 --> 00:49:10,690
<i>I got a big calculator, I got the biggest!</i>

967
00:49:10,781 --> 00:49:13,318
Yeah, I got a big calculator for you.

968
00:49:13,417 --> 00:49:18,799
I want you to press 5-8-0-0-8.

969
00:49:19,657 --> 00:49:22,194
You know what that spells? "Boobs."

970
00:49:22,460 --> 00:49:24,303
Audit me, Harold!

971
00:49:24,728 --> 00:49:28,938
Inspect every inch of my bod with a fine-tooth comb.

972
00:49:29,033 --> 00:49:30,979
I'm about to jizz!

973
00:49:31,035 --> 00:49:32,981
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

974
00:49:33,037 --> 00:49:34,880
I think you found my loophole!

975
00:49:36,373 --> 00:49:37,852
It happened!

976
00:49:38,776 --> 00:49:40,153
Pleasure doing business with you, Harry.

977
00:49:40,211 --> 00:49:43,818
Hey, can you fax over those I-9s? Okay. Bye.

978
00:49:43,914 --> 00:49:46,258
Okay' bye-bye. Thank you. Bye.

979
00:49:48,752 --> 00:49:49,730
Becky!

980
00:49:51,222 --> 00:49:53,702
Thank you. What a relief.

981
00:49:56,760 --> 00:49:58,034
You're welcome.

982
00:49:58,963 --> 00:50:00,840
Is that a gift for me? Yes.

983
00:50:00,931 --> 00:50:03,411
And I have one, too, and we're going out.

984
00:50:05,603 --> 00:50:08,140
Oh, my God!

985
00:50:08,839 --> 00:50:11,319
We're matching!

986
00:50:11,375 --> 00:50:13,685
Let's start with the artichoke dip.

987
00:50:13,777 --> 00:50:16,849
Yes, and then do you maybe wanna
do like the brown sugar pork?

988
00:50:16,947 --> 00:50:18,654
Yes, and like a salad. With dressing on the side'?

989
00:50:18,782 --> 00:50:20,261
With dressing on the side, of course. Okay, good.

990
00:50:20,351 --> 00:50:24,026
Okay. What is going on here'?

991
00:50:24,088 --> 00:50:26,432
Let's just tell him.

992
00:50:26,524 --> 00:50:28,595
Are you guys scissor dancing? Honestly.

993
00:50:28,692 --> 00:50:30,365
You know, I hate lesbians, but you have to tell me.

994
00:50:30,427 --> 00:50:32,202
I'll make an exception, I'll get past it for you two.

995
00:50:32,263 --> 00:50:34,140
No! What then?

996
00:50:35,332 --> 00:50:38,370
We are running a phone sex line. Boom!

997
00:50:38,669 --> 00:50:40,706
Shut up.

998
00:50:40,804 --> 00:50:42,249
Not my idea!

999
00:50:42,339 --> 00:50:43,579
And this doesn't make me a whore!

1000
00:50:43,674 --> 00:50:46,211
A whore? No! This makes you awesome!

1001
00:50:46,277 --> 00:50:49,554
She just phone-fucked the shit out of our accountant.

1002
00:50:49,647 --> 00:50:51,854
What's going on?

1003
00:50:51,916 --> 00:50:54,795
What'? Wait, wail, wait, wait! But
what happened to Lawson Press?

1004
00:50:54,919 --> 00:50:57,729
Laxton Press, and that bitch
never called me back. so...

1005
00:50:57,821 --> 00:50:59,801
Screw her! She has me.

1006
00:50:59,890 --> 00:51:00,960
Wow.

1007
00:51:01,058 --> 00:51:05,302
You ladies are living some fucked-up
version of the American dream.

1008
00:51:05,396 --> 00:51:07,569
You have to tell me, what do these guys say?

1009
00:51:07,665 --> 00:51:10,236
Is it all like penis in vagina? Where do the dicks go'?

1010
00:51:10,301 --> 00:51:12,577
I've had phone anal.

1011
00:51:12,670 --> 00:51:15,241
You had phanal? Oh, my God, I'm so good at that!

1012
00:51:15,306 --> 00:51:16,444
Can I work for you guys'?

1013
00:51:16,540 --> 00:51:17,712
No! It's girls only.

1014
00:51:17,708 --> 00:51:19,244
No.

1015
00:51:19,743 --> 00:51:22,121
This stinks. No fair.

1016
00:51:22,212 --> 00:51:24,920
I could be the unicorn this time if you want-.

1017
00:51:25,015 --> 00:51:27,723
<i>Actually, I was thinking since we both...</i>

1018
00:51:27,785 --> 00:51:31,733
Hey, sorry I wasn't here for your call at 10:00,

1019
00:51:31,789 --> 00:51:33,894
but I had to get out of this apartment.

1020
00:51:34,325 --> 00:51:36,305
You know, it's okay.

1021
00:51:36,393 --> 00:51:39,806
I was thinkin' maybe we could meet up?

1022
00:51:40,864 --> 00:51:42,138
In person?

1023
00:51:43,567 --> 00:51:44,637
What'?

1024
00:51:44,735 --> 00:51:47,944
Well, we haven't had phone sex in a week

1025
00:51:48,038 --> 00:51:50,109
and we still talk every day.

1026
00:51:50,174 --> 00:51:53,621
And I loved your essay

1027
00:51:53,711 --> 00:51:55,418
and you made it through my short film.

1028
00:51:56,080 --> 00:51:57,855
<i>It's kind of like we're already dating,</i>

1029
00:51:57,948 --> 00:52:01,862
<i>so I thought maybe we could meet up? Like Friday?</i>

1030
00:52:04,822 --> 00:52:06,130
<i>Hello?</i>

1031
00:52:08,359 --> 00:52:10,805
<i>I fucked this up. I'm sorry.</i>

1032
00:52:10,894 --> 00:52:11,964
Okay, let's do it.

1033
00:52:12,062 --> 00:52:13,132
<i>Really?</i>

1034
00:52:13,831 --> 00:52:15,003
You don't have to.

1035
00:52:15,099 --> 00:52:18,171
No. No, I want to.

1036
00:52:18,268 --> 00:52:20,009
I do, I really want to.

1037
00:52:20,604 --> 00:52:23,517
Shaquanda, I can't wait to meet you.

1038
00:52:24,174 --> 00:52:25,414
Oh, yeah.

1039
00:52:26,076 --> 00:52:27,282
Um...

1040
00:52:27,344 --> 00:52:30,553
Actually my name is Katie.

1041
00:52:30,648 --> 00:52:32,252
Hello.

1042
00:52:33,217 --> 00:52:34,457
Lauren?

1043
00:52:35,819 --> 00:52:37,560
Lauren? Lauren?

1044
00:52:39,556 --> 00:52:41,035
Hey. What?

1045
00:52:44,094 --> 00:52:45,300
What were you doing in there?

1046
00:52:45,396 --> 00:52:46,670
I was working. What?

1047
00:52:48,399 --> 00:52:50,140
Did you just have phone sex?

1048
00:52:50,234 --> 00:52:52,510
Do we not run a phone sex line'?

1049
00:52:52,569 --> 00:52:55,072
Well, yeah, but“.

1050
00:52:56,373 --> 00:52:59,183
You slut! You just put your fingers in your puss!

1051
00:52:59,943 --> 00:53:01,013
Ew! No!

1052
00:53:01,111 --> 00:53:03,853
You know that a little pony dies
every time you do that.

1053
00:53:03,947 --> 00:53:05,756
Did you wash your hands?

1054
00:53:06,684 --> 00:53:08,220
Maybe I didn't! Ew!

1055
00:53:08,786 --> 00:53:09,992
Whatever, You must do it all the time.

1056
00:53:10,120 --> 00:53:11,326
Ew. No.

1057
00:53:12,189 --> 00:53:14,191
You're not that good of an actress.

1058
00:53:14,258 --> 00:53:15,430
Anyways.,.

1059
00:53:15,959 --> 00:53:17,199
Um...

1060
00:53:17,594 --> 00:53:20,700
10:00 Sean lives in Brooklyn. That
is not just a billing address.

1061
00:53:20,798 --> 00:53:25,110
And now we have a date on Friday night.

1062
00:53:25,703 --> 00:53:27,273
So.

1063
00:53:27,371 --> 00:53:28,611
No.

1064
00:53:28,806 --> 00:53:30,046
Why not?

1065
00:53:30,140 --> 00:53:32,120
I don't know, 'cause he's probably a rapist.

1066
00:53:32,209 --> 00:53:36,385
Oh, please! Don't judge him. You
and I are the ones on the phone.

1067
00:53:37,081 --> 00:53:38,287
Please?

1068
00:53:38,916 --> 00:53:42,295
I haven't been on a date in forever.

1069
00:53:42,386 --> 00:53:44,923
Now I've had a taste of the outside world!

1070
00:53:45,022 --> 00:53:47,263
I want more!

1071
00:53:47,357 --> 00:53:50,201
It's just gonna be a cool bar in Brooklyn.

1072
00:53:50,260 --> 00:53:52,763
I'll come home, I promise.

1073
00:53:53,897 --> 00:53:56,707
Fine. But you play by my rules.

1074
00:53:57,000 --> 00:53:58,638
What are your rules?

1075
00:53:59,636 --> 00:54:01,309
You'll see on Friday, won't you?

1076
00:54:02,005 --> 00:54:03,575
Is that a new shower head?

1077
00:54:04,241 --> 00:54:05,345
Yeah.

1078
00:54:06,176 --> 00:54:08,747
It pulsates. On my body.

1079
00:54:10,080 --> 00:54:11,650
Cute dance.

1080
00:54:11,749 --> 00:54:13,319
Okay. That's good.

1081
00:54:14,118 --> 00:54:16,155
I, literally, never wanna see that dance ever again.

1082
00:54:16,253 --> 00:54:18,426
Oh! You just blinded me with that dance.

1083
00:54:18,489 --> 00:54:19,729
I am now blinded.

1084
00:54:37,574 --> 00:54:39,451
These are the rules.

1085
00:54:39,510 --> 00:54:41,183
Step one, put these on.

1086
00:54:41,612 --> 00:54:42,682
Way too small for me.

1087
00:54:42,813 --> 00:54:43,848
That's the point, okay?

1088
00:54:43,947 --> 00:54:45,790
10:00 will never be able to get in these.

1089
00:54:45,883 --> 00:54:48,329
It is rape-prevention wear at its best.

1090
00:54:48,418 --> 00:54:50,398
Oh, for Christ's sake!

1091
00:54:50,487 --> 00:54:52,023
Okay, step two.

1092
00:54:53,891 --> 00:54:54,869
Bug spray-

1093
00:54:55,058 --> 00:54:56,036
What'?

1094
00:54:56,126 --> 00:54:57,867
I didn't know where to buy mace and I just figured

1095
00:54:57,961 --> 00:55:00,567
it'll do the same thing when you spray him in the face.

1096
00:55:00,664 --> 00:55:02,837
What the hell kind of purse would that even fit in?

1097
00:55:02,933 --> 00:55:05,174
You can borrow my tote.

1098
00:55:05,269 --> 00:55:07,647
I've already filled it with some other stuff.

1099
00:55:08,372 --> 00:55:11,046
What, no canned goods for my survival?

1100
00:55:12,276 --> 00:55:16,554
All right, I'll take it. Hell, throw it in my new tote bag!

1101
00:55:19,249 --> 00:55:23,356
I am ready to survive date rape!

1102
00:55:23,520 --> 00:55:24,897
Ta-da!

1103
00:55:28,358 --> 00:55:31,202
Can I please get one drink? Please?

1104
00:55:31,295 --> 00:55:33,832
My blood alcohol level's dangerously low.

1105
00:55:33,931 --> 00:55:35,638
No, you're leaving.

1106
00:55:35,699 --> 00:55:37,508
Don't make me go. I don't wanna
go back to that apartment.

1107
00:55:37,568 --> 00:55:38,842
I'm outside. Guys!

1108
00:55:38,936 --> 00:55:40,176
Is that him'? Is that him?

1109
00:55:40,270 --> 00:55:41,248
He looks like T.T. Barber.

1110
00:55:41,338 --> 00:55:44,080
All right, I need you both to,
like, bring it down a notch.

1111
00:55:44,208 --> 00:55:46,347
All right? I will know him when I see him.

1112
00:55:46,410 --> 00:55:47,855
Is that him'?

1113
00:55:47,945 --> 00:55:51,483
Look at that lumberjack. A lot of bears here.

1114
00:55:51,548 --> 00:55:52,754
You like a bear. I like a bear.

1115
00:55:55,118 --> 00:55:56,654
Katie?

1116
00:55:57,821 --> 00:55:58,925
Yes.

1117
00:56:00,123 --> 00:56:01,363
Hi. Hi.

1118
00:56:03,160 --> 00:56:06,198
Wow! You are really pretty.

1119
00:56:06,763 --> 00:56:09,334
And you are really pretty, too.

1120
00:56:10,234 --> 00:56:11,941
I'm sorry. I didn't know you were bringing people.

1121
00:56:12,035 --> 00:56:13,571
That's cool.

1122
00:56:13,704 --> 00:56:15,240
These are just my overprotective friends

1123
00:56:15,339 --> 00:56:17,785
that are gonna be leaving in a second.

1124
00:56:17,908 --> 00:56:19,114
I'm Katie's Lauren' Hello.

1125
00:56:19,209 --> 00:56:20,381
Hi.

1126
00:56:20,444 --> 00:56:21,787
What's up, man? Jesse Lawson. Hey.

1127
00:56:21,879 --> 00:56:22,880
How are you doing? Good.

1128
00:56:22,980 --> 00:56:25,551
You like comedy? Do you like to laugh?

1129
00:56:26,016 --> 00:56:28,087
Check it out. You're welcome to come.

1130
00:56:28,185 --> 00:56:30,529
It's a $10 cover. Two drink minimum.

1131
00:56:30,587 --> 00:56:31,588
Great. Yeah.

1132
00:56:31,688 --> 00:56:32,894
Okay. Awesome.

1133
00:56:32,990 --> 00:56:35,061
Okay, good. I'm good, guys.

1134
00:56:35,158 --> 00:56:37,069
My word. Nice to meet you.

1135
00:56:37,160 --> 00:56:39,106
Nice meeting you. Bye.

1136
00:56:39,796 --> 00:56:40,968
I'm just gonna say this.

1137
00:56:41,064 --> 00:56:42,475
I do not think it's weird at all

1138
00:56:42,566 --> 00:56:43,943
that you guys met on a phone sex line.

1139
00:56:44,034 --> 00:56:46,207
I don't think it's weird. 'Cause,
you know what'? Fuck it.

1140
00:56:46,270 --> 00:56:47,749
Life is weird, right'?
- Let's go.

1141
00:56:47,804 --> 00:56:49,044
No. I was in the shower this morning

1142
00:56:49,106 --> 00:56:50,107
and have you ever thought about hair'?

1143
00:56:50,207 --> 00:56:51,584
Think about human hair. Let's go.

1144
00:56:51,642 --> 00:56:52,746
Some's curly' some's.. It's weird.

1145
00:56:52,876 --> 00:56:53,946
Bye'

1146
00:56:54,044 --> 00:56:55,717
Don't worry about it. All right.

1147
00:56:55,779 --> 00:56:56,814
Sorry. Sweet.

1148
00:56:56,914 --> 00:56:57,915
Yes.

1149
00:56:58,015 --> 00:56:59,619
Sweet as can be. And very funny.

1150
00:56:59,716 --> 00:57:02,697
Yeah. Well, he's a comedian, you know, so.

1151
00:57:04,187 --> 00:57:07,168
Nice to finally meet you.

1152
00:57:20,037 --> 00:57:21,311
All right. Let's do it.

1153
00:57:21,438 --> 00:57:22,746
Ready. Okay.

1154
00:57:22,806 --> 00:57:24,444
Cheers. Cheers.

1155
00:57:27,144 --> 00:57:30,614
You're right. This is so much more
comfortable than being at the bar.

1156
00:57:30,681 --> 00:57:32,058
Can I open my eyes now? No.

1157
00:57:32,149 --> 00:57:34,129
You cannot look at me and I cannot look at you.

1158
00:57:34,217 --> 00:57:36,925
It's easier this way. Trust me.

1159
00:57:39,756 --> 00:57:43,704
You know, I approached two other
girls before I found you.

1160
00:57:43,827 --> 00:57:46,706
I met a Christina and a Lily.

1161
00:57:48,298 --> 00:57:49,402
No, you didn't.

1162
00:57:49,499 --> 00:57:51,501
I saw you walk in and you walked right towards me.

1163
00:57:51,601 --> 00:57:54,639
No, I know, you're right. I knew it was you.

1164
00:57:55,839 --> 00:57:57,079
You're cute.

1165
00:57:57,174 --> 00:57:59,313
You better not be peeking.

1166
00:57:59,409 --> 00:58:00,615
<i>I'm not.</i>

1167
00:58:02,612 --> 00:58:05,024
Let's open our eyes anyway, okay?

1168
00:58:05,515 --> 00:58:06,960
Okay. Okay.

1169
00:58:07,017 --> 00:58:08,155
Count of three.

1170
00:58:08,251 --> 00:58:12,290
One, two, three.

1171
00:58:25,035 --> 00:58:26,537
Put it anywhere.

1172
00:58:26,636 --> 00:58:27,614
Lauren!

1173
00:58:27,738 --> 00:58:29,217
<i>Put it anywhere.</i>

1174
00:58:29,306 --> 00:58:31,149
You're home! How was it?

1175
00:58:31,742 --> 00:58:33,244
It was great!

1176
00:58:33,810 --> 00:58:35,050
Did you smoke that whole joint'?

1177
00:58:35,145 --> 00:58:36,180
Uh-huh.

1178
00:58:36,279 --> 00:58:37,417
Tell me about your date.

1179
00:58:38,915 --> 00:58:40,758
It was amazing.

1180
00:58:40,851 --> 00:58:45,425
It was, like, the best date I have ever been on.

1181
00:58:45,522 --> 00:58:47,331
It was never awkward.

1182
00:58:47,391 --> 00:58:51,032
And then we started kissing, which,
by the way, was just...

1183
00:58:51,128 --> 00:58:52,436
He was so good.

1184
00:58:53,864 --> 00:58:55,275
And then“.

1185
00:58:55,399 --> 00:58:56,776
What? Did he get in my Spanx'?

1186
00:58:57,300 --> 00:58:58,370
No.

1187
00:59:00,337 --> 00:59:01,873
What'?

1188
00:59:01,938 --> 00:59:06,011
Well, I got my period when I was 12

1189
00:59:06,076 --> 00:59:07,817
and I wasn't close with my mom,

1190
00:59:07,911 --> 00:59:10,221
so I called my older, cooler cousin Wendy

1191
00:59:10,313 --> 00:59:11,656
and I went over to her house.

1192
00:59:11,748 --> 00:59:14,456
I bike ride-ed over and she brought
me into the bathroom

1193
00:59:14,551 --> 00:59:16,895
to do the whole tampon tutorial,
you know what I mean?

1194
00:59:16,953 --> 00:59:20,526
And like we're standing there, legs open, flaps open.

1195
00:59:20,590 --> 00:59:21,796
Are you with me?

1196
00:59:21,892 --> 00:59:23,565
Mmm-hmm. I'm just stoned. Okay.

1197
00:59:23,627 --> 00:59:26,369
And jamming it up there and I'm trying to make it fit

1198
00:59:26,430 --> 00:59:28,910
and there's blood everywhere

1199
00:59:28,965 --> 00:59:31,969
and it just looks like this horrible murder scene

1200
00:59:32,069 --> 00:59:35,573
and I look over and that's when I see it.

1201
00:59:37,741 --> 00:59:38,947
A wart.

1202
00:59:39,810 --> 00:59:41,414
You had genital warts at 12?

1203
00:59:41,511 --> 00:59:44,583
Not on me! On Wendy's left labia!

1204
00:59:44,648 --> 00:59:46,093
And she saw me see it.

1205
00:59:46,183 --> 00:59:49,323
Obviously I was horrified, and
that's when she said it to me,

1206
00:59:49,419 --> 00:59:53,094
"if you don't want one of these,
don't have sex in high school.

1207
00:59:53,190 --> 00:59:57,104
"After that, just make sure you're
in love with whoever it is."

1208
00:59:59,129 --> 01:00:01,735
And no one was ever in love with me.

1209
01:00:09,306 --> 01:00:10,785
I'm a virgin.

1210
01:00:15,846 --> 01:00:17,848
Oh, no, no, no.

1211
01:00:17,948 --> 01:00:20,485
No, that can't be true.

1212
01:00:20,584 --> 01:00:22,120
Yes, it is.

1213
01:00:23,120 --> 01:00:25,293
I've never even had a boyfriend.

1214
01:00:25,388 --> 01:00:28,301
But I went to college with you.

1215
01:00:28,391 --> 01:00:30,029
I thought you were the school slut.

1216
01:00:30,127 --> 01:00:33,631
Well, that's what everyone thought.
But I wasn't doing any of it.

1217
01:00:33,697 --> 01:00:36,268
I was just talking a lot of shit.

1218
01:00:36,333 --> 01:00:40,713
And then I just got so scared around
guys, I would just like clam up.

1219
01:00:43,573 --> 01:00:44,916
You just“.

1220
01:00:45,609 --> 01:00:46,713
All the time?

1221
01:00:49,246 --> 01:00:50,782
You don't ever?

1222
01:00:54,951 --> 01:00:58,865
Just stop looking at me! I'm just all talk, literally!

1223
01:01:00,357 --> 01:01:01,461
Okay.

1224
01:01:02,626 --> 01:01:05,607
Tina Fey lost her virginity at, like, 27.

1225
01:01:05,695 --> 01:01:08,403
Okay? And she's pretty cool, I think.

1226
01:01:09,266 --> 01:01:12,713
And you are gonna be mind-blowing at sex-

1227
01:01:12,802 --> 01:01:15,476
I mean, if your body can keep up with your mouth,

1228
01:01:15,539 --> 01:01:18,383
you are gonna make some guy's
head just pop right off his neck.

1229
01:01:19,309 --> 01:01:21,755
And being in love when you do it?

1230
01:01:21,845 --> 01:01:23,256
Only gonna make it better.

1231
01:01:25,048 --> 01:01:26,584
I have an idea.

1232
01:01:32,856 --> 01:01:34,164
Bum-bada-bum!

1233
01:01:34,558 --> 01:01:37,562
These are yours. Use them.

1234
01:01:38,461 --> 01:01:40,941
That way, when you're ready for Sean,

1235
01:01:41,031 --> 01:01:44,604
or whoever else is lucky enough to fall in love with you,

1236
01:01:45,335 --> 01:01:47,178
you'll be ready.

1237
01:01:49,372 --> 01:01:50,908
Okay.

1238
01:01:53,476 --> 01:01:54,955
Maybe not Earl.

1239
01:01:58,782 --> 01:02:00,921
How about this one? Kevin.

1240
01:02:05,222 --> 01:02:06,633
Thanks, Ren.

1241
01:02:24,908 --> 01:02:27,912
1-900-MMM-HMMM.

1242
01:02:27,978 --> 01:02:32,427
That's 1-900-M-M-M-H-M-M-M.

1243
01:02:33,516 --> 01:02:34,756
And cut!

1244
01:02:34,818 --> 01:02:36,161
Yeah, it's still feeling a little stiff.

1245
01:02:36,253 --> 01:02:37,596
Really?

1246
01:02:37,687 --> 01:02:40,293
Well, no, I mean, I'd call. I mean, I already did call.

1247
01:02:40,390 --> 01:02:41,801
Maybe you guys should have a drink.

1248
01:02:41,925 --> 01:02:43,336
It doesn't take much, friend.

1249
01:02:43,426 --> 01:02:45,428
Can you get me a glass of wine, please?

1250
01:02:45,528 --> 01:02:47,303
Will you get me a glass of wine, please, too'?

1251
01:02:47,397 --> 01:02:50,810
Yeah, fine. I just think a little bit
more like, "Are you alone?"

1252
01:02:50,900 --> 01:02:53,107
Well, we'll talk about it. I just felt
like you weren't in the tub.

1253
01:02:53,169 --> 01:02:54,842
All right. We'll do better!

1254
01:02:54,971 --> 01:02:56,609
Thank you. Thank you!

1255
01:02:56,706 --> 01:02:57,946
<i>I just saw your nipple!</i>

1256
01:03:09,986 --> 01:03:12,023
I can never find my keys in this bag.

1257
01:03:12,122 --> 01:03:15,626
I don't know why you don't use
that zipper compartment.

1258
01:03:17,193 --> 01:03:19,434
Oh, my God. It's Laxton Press!

1259
01:03:20,830 --> 01:03:24,471
Well, I'm not gonna get it. I'm never
talking to that bitch ever again.

1260
01:03:24,567 --> 01:03:26,672
No, get it! I have an idea.

1261
01:03:27,304 --> 01:03:28,374
Get it!

1262
01:03:28,471 --> 01:03:30,712
Hello? This is Lauren Powell.

1263
01:03:36,179 --> 01:03:40,855
You are a vision in my dress! My God!

1264
01:03:41,484 --> 01:03:44,090
I want to go with you to the interview.

1265
01:03:44,187 --> 01:03:46,997
I can't believe I'm gonna tell Laxton Press to shove it.

1266
01:03:47,057 --> 01:03:48,035
Are you sure I'm doing the right thing'?

1267
01:03:48,124 --> 01:03:49,159
Yes!

1268
01:03:49,225 --> 01:03:51,569
You have nothing to lose. It's not
like you're gonna work there.

1269
01:03:51,661 --> 01:03:53,834
Go in there and tell her what
a good phone fucker you are

1270
01:03:53,897 --> 01:03:55,240
and then come home to me and we can celebrate

1271
01:03:55,332 --> 01:03:56,709
'cause it's commercial night!

1272
01:03:58,601 --> 01:03:59,944
I have something Iwanna say.

1273
01:04:00,036 --> 01:04:01,481
Have you been masturbating again?

1274
01:04:01,538 --> 01:04:02,881
Because you don't have to tell me every time.

1275
01:04:02,972 --> 01:04:05,213
No, no, no, no. It's not that.

1276
01:04:06,643 --> 01:04:08,748
I love you.

1277
01:04:18,621 --> 01:04:20,692
Should we hug or something?

1278
01:04:23,326 --> 01:04:24,304
Yeah.

1279
01:04:24,394 --> 01:04:25,429
Okay!

1280
01:04:32,469 --> 01:04:33,573
Okay.

1281
01:04:34,504 --> 01:04:37,212
Go have fun at your bogus interview.

1282
01:04:37,273 --> 01:04:41,050
Make that lady feel sorry she never
hired you in the first place.

1283
01:04:41,277 --> 01:04:42,347
Hmm.

1284
01:04:43,580 --> 01:04:44,786
You're different.

1285
01:04:46,649 --> 01:04:48,060
What's going on here?

1286
01:04:49,085 --> 01:04:50,223
Oh!

1287
01:04:50,286 --> 01:04:51,560
Oh.

1288
01:04:51,654 --> 01:04:53,395
I've been running a phone sex line.

1289
01:04:53,490 --> 01:04:57,063
You'? Yeah, that's funny.

1290
01:04:59,496 --> 01:05:00,941
For reals?

1291
01:05:01,030 --> 01:05:02,407
Is it for charity?

1292
01:05:03,833 --> 01:05:05,039
Hi, Jess.

1293
01:05:05,135 --> 01:05:06,409
Hi, Katie!

1294
01:05:06,503 --> 01:05:07,481
I'm here with Zelda.

1295
01:05:07,570 --> 01:05:10,380
Doesn't she look a lot like a young Carol Channing?

1296
01:05:10,440 --> 01:05:11,680
She's so cute.

1297
01:05:11,775 --> 01:05:13,618
Hey, who's ready to put some of

1298
01:05:13,710 --> 01:05:15,553
my famous bean dip in their mouths

1299
01:05:15,612 --> 01:05:18,616
while watching the first out of
our phone sex commercial?

1300
01:05:18,715 --> 01:05:20,251
I am! lam!

1301
01:05:20,383 --> 01:05:21,794
Ooh-ooh!

1302
01:05:21,885 --> 01:05:23,364
Hey, is Lauren back yet?

1303
01:05:23,453 --> 01:05:25,694
From her power play interview'? No, not yet.

1304
01:05:25,789 --> 01:05:28,099
I have to say, I think what you guys are doing

1305
01:05:28,224 --> 01:05:30,500
<i>is so weird and Single White Female,</i>

1306
01:05:30,627 --> 01:05:35,337
but then again, I'm stroking
Zelda like I'm a Bond villain.

1307
01:05:35,432 --> 01:05:36,911
So, who am Ito talk about weird'?

1308
01:05:36,966 --> 01:05:38,274
<i>Did you get the DVD?</i>

1309
01:05:38,334 --> 01:05:39,642
Yes, ifs already in the player,

1310
01:05:39,736 --> 01:05:43,946
Wait, somebody's here. I got to
go. I can't wait to see you' Bye!

1311
01:05:44,307 --> 01:05:45,752
We're back! Hey.

1312
01:05:48,745 --> 01:05:49,780
Hi.

1313
01:05:50,713 --> 01:05:52,420
Can we come in'?

1314
01:05:52,549 --> 01:05:54,187
Yes, yes, please. Come on in.

1315
01:05:54,284 --> 01:05:55,285
Nice to see you.

1316
01:05:55,351 --> 01:05:56,352
Nice to see you!

1317
01:05:56,453 --> 01:05:57,454
Hey, you.

1318
01:05:57,554 --> 01:05:58,532
And you!

1319
01:05:58,888 --> 01:06:00,959
We could really use a strong female editor

1320
01:06:01,090 --> 01:06:03,161
that wants to grow with our company.

1321
01:06:03,259 --> 01:06:07,469
Just somebody like you that understands
a good business model.

1322
01:06:07,564 --> 01:06:10,807
I know you've had a fun summer doing phone sex.

1323
01:06:10,900 --> 01:06:12,880
It's a phase. I love a good phase.

1324
01:06:12,969 --> 01:06:13,970
I'm a hasbian.

1325
01:06:14,037 --> 01:06:16,540
I made love to a woman with crooked
bangs for six months.

1326
01:06:16,639 --> 01:06:18,209
Are you following me back to reality?

1327
01:06:19,209 --> 01:06:20,483
'Cause what happens?

1328
01:06:20,577 --> 01:06:23,057
What happens when you're crossing Seventh Avenue,

1329
01:06:23,146 --> 01:06:25,148
holding that hot soy latte,

1330
01:06:25,215 --> 01:06:29,391
and a cab comes out of nowhere
and just takes you out?

1331
01:06:30,186 --> 01:06:32,393
And you don't have benefits?

1332
01:06:39,362 --> 01:06:43,003
Are you really gonna be a phone sex
operator the rest of your life?

1333
01:06:43,466 --> 01:06:45,241
Take the job, Lauren.

1334
01:06:49,038 --> 01:06:50,847
This place just looks great.

1335
01:06:50,940 --> 01:06:53,511
The balloons are really festive.

1336
01:06:53,610 --> 01:06:54,953
Thank you.

1337
01:06:55,078 --> 01:06:56,523
Hard not to focus on this here.

1338
01:06:56,613 --> 01:06:57,853
This“.

1339
01:06:58,648 --> 01:07:02,425
What'? What are you talking about? Just kidding.

1340
01:07:02,519 --> 01:07:03,691
I know.

1341
01:07:03,786 --> 01:07:07,928
We're having a bachelorette party here tonight

1342
01:07:08,024 --> 01:07:11,699
and I had 'em and I thought, "Hell,
I'll throw 'em on the table."

1343
01:07:11,794 --> 01:07:13,569
Titty fuck me!

1344
01:07:13,663 --> 01:07:15,040
Stoop sale.

1345
01:07:16,032 --> 01:07:17,602
You get the damnedest things there.

1346
01:07:18,668 --> 01:07:20,875
You guys, I just wanna tell you

1347
01:07:20,970 --> 01:07:24,816
Lauren and I have been having
such an amazing summer.

1348
01:07:24,908 --> 01:07:26,888
I honestly feel like she is my sister.

1349
01:07:26,976 --> 01:07:31,118
Which, cha-ching, makes you guys my parents!

1350
01:07:31,214 --> 01:07:33,717
I always wanted normal parents.

1351
01:07:33,816 --> 01:07:34,954
Hi.

1352
01:07:38,988 --> 01:07:40,399
What time was her appointment?

1353
01:07:40,523 --> 01:07:41,934
2:00. It was at 2:00.

1354
01:07:42,025 --> 01:07:44,904
Man, I cannot wait to hear about that, huh?

1355
01:07:44,994 --> 01:07:46,632
Hi. Another surprise visit?

1356
01:07:46,763 --> 01:07:48,401
There's my girl!

1357
01:07:49,732 --> 01:07:52,906
Honey, my goodness, what are you wearing, sweetie?

1358
01:07:53,002 --> 01:07:54,242
I can see your bra.

1359
01:07:54,304 --> 01:07:56,409
Never mind. Sweetheart, you gel the job?

1360
01:07:56,472 --> 01:07:57,473
KATIE' How was it'?

1361
01:07:57,607 --> 01:07:58,585
It was really good.

1362
01:07:58,675 --> 01:08:00,279
It was a great interview.

1363
01:08:00,376 --> 01:08:02,481
They actually offered me the job right on the spot,

1364
01:08:03,546 --> 01:08:06,584
I know, it has insurance and a 401 plan.

1365
01:08:06,683 --> 01:08:09,323
The position is really, really fantastic.

1366
01:08:10,486 --> 01:08:12,329
$0.'.

1367
01:08:13,623 --> 01:08:15,466
So I took it.

1368
01:08:15,558 --> 01:08:17,538
This is great news! We have to celebrate!

1369
01:08:19,329 --> 01:08:20,603
Are you serious?

1370
01:08:20,730 --> 01:08:22,004
Honey, I am so proud.

1371
01:08:22,098 --> 01:08:23,634
Why don't you change and we'll all go

1372
01:08:23,733 --> 01:08:25,212
have a big lunch at Sarabeth's.

1373
01:08:25,301 --> 01:08:26,609
Put on something that fits

1374
01:08:26,703 --> 01:08:28,614
'cause you know we always run into
Daddy's work friends there.

1375
01:08:30,039 --> 01:08:32,451
Katie, why don't you come to my room with me

1376
01:08:32,508 --> 01:08:34,010
and you can help me pick out an outfit,

1377
01:08:34,143 --> 01:08:35,679
and I'll tell you more about the job.

1378
01:08:36,145 --> 01:08:38,386
I'm sure you'll be fine on your own.

1379
01:08:39,749 --> 01:08:40,921
Okay.

1380
01:08:52,729 --> 01:08:54,367
Mom, Dad.

1381
01:08:55,531 --> 01:08:58,171
I would love to tell you more about our special summer

1382
01:08:58,267 --> 01:09:01,544
because Lauren has been so shy
about it, but at our party tonight

1383
01:09:01,638 --> 01:09:03,640
we were gonna have a screening
of something we made

1384
01:09:03,740 --> 01:09:05,344
and I would love to share it with you. Please.

1385
01:09:05,441 --> 01:09:07,045
Sure. Come with me' will you'?

1386
01:09:07,143 --> 01:09:09,384
Oh! So exciting! I love an audience.

1387
01:09:12,982 --> 01:09:14,086
Oh, hi.

1388
01:09:15,952 --> 01:09:17,829
It's nice to see you.

1389
01:09:19,389 --> 01:09:23,394
Do you ever wonder why you're alone in the tub?

1390
01:09:24,827 --> 01:09:27,205
It's so lonely when you're in the tub alone, isn't it?

1391
01:09:28,765 --> 01:09:30,711
You don't have to be so lonely anymore.

1392
01:09:31,868 --> 01:09:33,074
If you have one of these.

1393
01:09:34,237 --> 01:09:36,581
You can just give me a call.

1394
01:09:43,246 --> 01:09:45,920
The bubbles were all her idea, by the way.

1395
01:09:46,015 --> 01:09:49,485
I mean, she's a smart cookie, that one.

1396
01:09:49,552 --> 01:09:50,587
I'm gonna be sick.

1397
01:09:50,687 --> 01:09:51,688
What the hell is wrong with you'?

1398
01:09:51,788 --> 01:09:53,324
What? I was just catching your parents up

1399
01:09:53,423 --> 01:09:55,027
on what a beautiful summer we've had.

1400
01:09:55,124 --> 01:09:57,263
While we're at it, should I tell them
about how Morty fired you?

1401
01:09:57,360 --> 01:10:00,534
Or do you wanna tell them'? Oops!
Cat's out of the bag, sorry.

1402
01:10:02,198 --> 01:10:04,405
I should have never moved in with you.

1403
01:10:04,500 --> 01:10:06,343
If you'll excuse me, I have an errand to run.

1404
01:10:09,972 --> 01:10:11,918
It's dirty money.

1405
01:10:13,609 --> 01:10:17,386
Okay. I know that you're really
more of a business manager

1406
01:10:17,447 --> 01:10:20,758
and you're not actually listening to guys“.

1407
01:10:50,713 --> 01:10:52,386
I know you're mad.

1408
01:10:53,616 --> 01:10:57,223
Just because you don't give a shit about your parents

1409
01:10:57,286 --> 01:11:00,324
doesn't mean I don't care about mine.

1410
01:11:00,957 --> 01:11:02,163
I know.

1411
01:11:04,794 --> 01:11:07,274
And I'm sorry. Okay'?

1412
01:11:07,330 --> 01:11:10,834
No. No, it is not okay!

1413
01:11:12,034 --> 01:11:13,809
You lied to me!

1414
01:11:13,903 --> 01:11:17,077
I did not know that I was gonna take that job.

1415
01:11:17,140 --> 01:11:20,678
And it's not even that big of a
deal. I can still help out here.

1416
01:11:20,777 --> 01:11:22,688
Well, don't do me any favors.

1417
01:11:22,779 --> 01:11:25,453
If you were my real friend, you would
understand why I took that job.

1418
01:11:25,515 --> 01:11:27,654
Excuse me! Real friend?

1419
01:11:27,750 --> 01:11:30,026
I am not the one that lied to my partner today.

1420
01:11:30,119 --> 01:11:34,431
That's hilarious, because last time I checked,
you lied about being a whore-

1421
01:11:34,490 --> 01:11:36,492
I go off and I do one thing by myself

1422
01:11:36,592 --> 01:11:39,766
and you prove to be some insecure virgin.

1423
01:11:47,170 --> 01:11:51,209
You make me feel like I will never
be good enough for you.

1424
01:11:52,842 --> 01:11:56,517
So why don't you and your shit
get out of my apartment?

1425
01:12:02,018 --> 01:12:04,055
This is our apartment.

1426
01:12:06,389 --> 01:12:08,892
I told you I loved you this morning.

1427
01:12:10,359 --> 01:12:13,067
And you were too scared lo say it back.

1428
01:12:14,463 --> 01:12:16,238
I wasn't too scared.

1429
01:12:17,934 --> 01:12:20,210
I just don't love you.

1430
01:12:23,573 --> 01:12:25,553
Who wants some bean dip?

1431
01:12:33,316 --> 01:12:34,795
<i>Oh, yeah, that feels good.</i>

1432
01:12:38,955 --> 01:12:39,990
Oh, yeah.

1433
01:12:40,656 --> 01:12:43,569
Yeah, I want you to finger-bang me in the shower.

1434
01:12:45,228 --> 01:12:46,332
Uh."

1435
01:12:46,395 --> 01:12:49,069
Why don't you just flip me over
and do me from behind?

1436
01:12:49,165 --> 01:12:50,610
<i>Are you even listening?</i>

1437
01:12:50,700 --> 01:12:52,304
No, I do like it.

1438
01:12:53,202 --> 01:12:54,772
<i>It's so depressing.</i>

1439
01:12:54,871 --> 01:12:57,715
You know, I call you, I get one phone call a week.

1440
01:12:57,773 --> 01:12:59,047
This is so fucking depressing.

1441
01:12:59,141 --> 01:13:03,055
This is more depressing than the macaroni
<i>necklace that my kid sends me.</i>

1442
01:13:03,145 --> 01:13:05,091
What the shit am I supposed to do with that in here?

1443
01:13:05,581 --> 01:13:07,754
Just tell me what you want.

1444
01:13:08,551 --> 01:13:11,259
Well, what I want, Sandy,

1445
01:13:11,354 --> 01:13:13,834
is for you to get your head in the fucking game!

1446
01:13:13,923 --> 01:13:15,266
That's what I want!

1447
01:13:15,358 --> 01:13:18,635
What I want is for you to start
taking Discover card again.

1448
01:13:18,728 --> 01:13:20,639
That's the one we use in here.

1449
01:13:20,730 --> 01:13:23,609
What I want is for you to keep doing two on ones.

1450
01:13:23,699 --> 01:13:27,408
What I want is to not have to make
a dildo out of soap, okay?

1451
01:13:27,470 --> 01:13:28,608
It hurts!

1452
01:13:28,704 --> 01:13:30,479
It takes a long time.

1453
01:13:30,773 --> 01:13:32,810
<i>But you know that's not what we all get.</i>

1454
01:13:32,909 --> 01:13:34,286
<i>We don't all get that.</i>

1455
01:13:34,443 --> 01:13:38,118
But now what I'm gonna have to
do, what I didn't want to do,

1456
01:13:38,481 --> 01:13:42,327
is go to your house and steal your fucking dog,

1457
01:13:42,418 --> 01:13:44,762
and then steal your car.

1458
01:13:44,820 --> 01:13:46,595
And then, when you come outside to look for your dog,

1459
01:13:46,656 --> 01:13:48,658
you'll say, "Oh, where's my dog? Where's my dog?"

1460
01:13:48,758 --> 01:13:51,295
Oh, barn! I'm gonna hit you with my car!

1461
01:13:52,361 --> 01:13:56,173
I'm gonna vehicular manslaughter
you because that is what I do.

1462
01:13:57,099 --> 01:13:58,203
<i>That's what I do.</i>

1463
01:13:58,634 --> 01:14:00,136
I don't even have a car.

1464
01:14:02,772 --> 01:14:04,581
I'll lick your pussy.

1465
01:14:05,841 --> 01:14:09,448
No, you don't wanna do that.
We don't get razors in here'

1466
01:14:09,512 --> 01:14:11,458
<i>Kind of lost the mood now, anyway.</i>

1467
01:14:22,692 --> 01:14:23,932
Lauren.

1468
01:14:24,393 --> 01:14:27,135
Happy hour. Ruby Feds. Sake bombs.

1469
01:14:27,229 --> 01:14:29,539
4:00 to 7:00, half price, all the apps you can eat.

1470
01:14:29,632 --> 01:14:31,634
Hot Asian guys. Let's go.

1471
01:14:31,701 --> 01:14:34,204
Okay, just give me a minute.

1472
01:14:37,239 --> 01:14:38,309
<i>I have a plan.</i>

1473
01:14:38,407 --> 01:14:39,545
Yeah?

1474
01:14:39,709 --> 01:14:40,949
Yeah. My lease is up soon.

1475
01:14:41,877 --> 01:14:43,481
I could move in here with you.

1476
01:14:43,546 --> 01:14:45,287
Ohh.

1477
01:14:45,348 --> 01:14:47,828
Yeah. No. We're not there yet.

1478
01:14:49,251 --> 01:14:51,322
But thanks for offering.

1479
01:14:51,420 --> 01:14:55,061
We should probably, like, have
sex before we live together.

1480
01:14:55,157 --> 01:14:57,228
Yes. That's a great idea.

1481
01:14:57,326 --> 01:14:59,829
Not today, But“.

1482
01:15:01,130 --> 01:15:02,234
...soon.

1483
01:15:04,567 --> 01:15:06,376
Thank you so much for letting me stay here.

1484
01:15:06,469 --> 01:15:09,006
I promise, I'm gonna find a place so soon.

1485
01:15:09,105 --> 01:15:11,517
No, I totally like having you here.

1486
01:15:12,675 --> 01:15:16,088
I love having my own living space,
though. But, you know.

1487
01:15:16,178 --> 01:15:17,213
God, this Greek yogurt is so good.

1488
01:15:20,483 --> 01:15:21,461
Who is that'?

1489
01:15:21,550 --> 01:15:22,528
I'm gonna take this. I'll be right back.

1490
01:15:22,585 --> 01:15:24,030
Who is that'? Who is it?

1491
01:15:27,523 --> 01:15:30,595
Oh, girl. Who has she replaced me with?

1492
01:15:30,693 --> 01:15:33,401
You're never gonna replace me, are you'?

1493
01:15:33,496 --> 01:15:35,840
'Cause I love you.

1494
01:15:42,705 --> 01:15:44,514
Do you have any lens?

1495
01:15:45,408 --> 01:15:47,854
No, I do not. You must go fish.

1496
01:15:49,678 --> 01:15:51,885
Do you have any sixes?

1497
01:15:53,349 --> 01:15:55,920
Yes! Do you have any fives?

1498
01:16:00,189 --> 01:16:01,725
This is stupid.

1499
01:16:02,625 --> 01:16:06,095
Stop being such a girl and call Lauren.

1500
01:16:12,935 --> 01:16:14,039
Let's have sex.

1501
01:16:16,572 --> 01:16:17,573
Come on.

1502
01:16:17,640 --> 01:16:18,641
Okay.

1503
01:16:20,810 --> 01:16:21,982
Oh, wow.

1504
01:16:26,382 --> 01:16:27,452
Now what'?

1505
01:16:27,550 --> 01:16:30,622
And the wine and the cheese and the gelato and“.

1506
01:16:30,719 --> 01:16:33,928
Just everything about it was so fresh. It was vivacious.

1507
01:16:33,989 --> 01:16:37,129
And so, on this one day, I decided to take a little stroll.

1508
01:16:37,226 --> 01:16:38,933
You know, I'm feeling high on life.

1509
01:16:38,994 --> 01:16:42,100
You know, the case is going great, so I walk up this hill

1510
01:16:42,198 --> 01:16:43,836
and I'm walking up, and all of a sudden

1511
01:16:43,966 --> 01:16:45,639
I see this little shoe shop in the corner.

1512
01:16:45,734 --> 01:16:49,580
Okay, and I'm walking in and this old
couple, they fall in love with me.

1513
01:16:49,638 --> 01:16:51,618
I mean, they just take me in like I'm their own.

1514
01:16:51,674 --> 01:16:53,551
The old woman, you know, she's probably 82,

1515
01:16:53,642 --> 01:16:56,145
she starts making risotto and it smells“.

1516
01:16:56,245 --> 01:16:57,690
You would love it, it smells so good.

1517
01:16:57,780 --> 01:17:00,090
And the old man, he gets out this old contraption

1518
01:17:00,149 --> 01:17:01,457
and he starts measuring my feet.

1519
01:17:01,550 --> 01:17:03,587
And then it starts raining outside, pouring.

1520
01:17:03,652 --> 01:17:05,131
So I said to the guy, "Listen, I got to go.

1521
01:17:05,221 --> 01:17:07,758
"You know, thank you. I had
a great time. I got to leave,"

1522
01:17:07,823 --> 01:17:10,201
And he grabs my shoe and he won't let me go.

1523
01:17:10,292 --> 01:17:11,965
And he“.

1524
01:17:12,027 --> 01:17:13,370
I'm...

1525
01:17:14,163 --> 01:17:16,803
How's the new job? How's that?

1526
01:17:16,866 --> 01:17:19,437
It's good. It's really good. I'm learning...

1527
01:17:19,502 --> 01:17:21,311
That's great. Listen.

1528
01:17:21,704 --> 01:17:24,947
I forgot to tell you. They are grooming me for partner

1529
01:17:25,007 --> 01:17:28,181
now that I saved the job in Italy.

1530
01:17:28,277 --> 01:17:32,316
And, you know, I'm kind of enjoying the job now.

1531
01:17:32,414 --> 01:17:34,325
Kind of a thing, so that's good.

1532
01:17:44,894 --> 01:17:46,168
You okay?

1533
01:17:48,164 --> 01:17:49,336
<i>Mmm-hmm.</i>

1534
01:17:55,037 --> 01:17:56,516
Is that okay?

1535
01:17:58,274 --> 01:18:00,618
Sorry, I get a little.. I'm just so nervous,

1536
01:18:00,709 --> 01:18:02,916
It's okay. It's okay, just“.

1537
01:18:03,746 --> 01:18:05,191
Just relax.

1538
01:18:06,015 --> 01:18:08,325
You know what'? I have an idea.

1539
01:18:12,154 --> 01:18:15,226
No, just get it. I'll only be one second.

1540
01:18:21,564 --> 01:18:22,941
Hello?

1541
01:18:24,633 --> 01:18:25,771
Hello.

1542
01:18:28,771 --> 01:18:30,512
Well, this is silly.

1543
01:18:30,573 --> 01:18:31,677
<i>Mmm-hmm.</i>

1544
01:18:37,346 --> 01:18:38,950
You feel so good.

1545
01:18:42,484 --> 01:18:46,728
I've been wanting to do this since
the first time I heard your voice.

1546
01:18:48,190 --> 01:18:50,101
I've wanted this, too.

1547
01:18:54,330 --> 01:18:57,038
Yeah, after I saved that case in Italy they thought,

1548
01:18:57,099 --> 01:19:00,478
"Okay, this is a guy we've got to make something of."

1549
01:19:02,338 --> 01:19:05,444
Look, Lauren, there is a reason
that I asked to see you today.

1550
01:19:05,541 --> 01:19:08,147
And that's because I realized that I made a mistake.

1551
01:19:09,511 --> 01:19:10,785
I should have never left you.

1552
01:19:11,981 --> 01:19:13,153
You're my person.

1553
01:19:14,516 --> 01:19:15,620
lam'?

1554
01:19:16,385 --> 01:19:17,420
I'm gonna shoot you straight.

1555
01:19:17,519 --> 01:19:18,827
When I was in Italy,

1556
01:19:18,921 --> 01:19:22,960
I had a brief yet intense relationship
with a Sicilian woman.

1557
01:19:23,459 --> 01:19:25,939
Okay? And at first, it was exhilarating.

1558
01:19:25,995 --> 01:19:28,271
The passion was immense.

1559
01:19:28,364 --> 01:19:31,402
But then the fighting would start, Laur, and..

1560
01:19:31,467 --> 01:19:35,210
And slaps across my face, screaming,
and doors slamming, and“.

1561
01:19:35,304 --> 01:19:37,011
It was exhausting.

1562
01:19:37,773 --> 01:19:41,516
And I started to think about you
and what I love about you.

1563
01:19:43,312 --> 01:19:46,020
And you're so simple.

1564
01:19:46,849 --> 01:19:48,294
You know?

1565
01:19:48,817 --> 01:19:51,058
Lauren, I want you back in my life.

1566
01:19:51,153 --> 01:19:53,690
Back in my apartment. I got a
place on the Upper East Side.

1567
01:19:53,789 --> 01:19:54,824
Come home with me.

1568
01:19:56,158 --> 01:19:59,264
Babe, bring the NuvaRing. You know? I wanna feel it.

1569
01:20:02,197 --> 01:20:04,473
<i>You're an asshole.</i>

1570
01:20:04,566 --> 01:20:06,170
I'm leaving.

1571
01:20:06,268 --> 01:20:09,112
Wait, no. Okay, I'm not an asshole.

1572
01:20:09,171 --> 01:20:11,310
Yes, Lauren, I was an asshole.

1573
01:20:11,407 --> 01:20:14,013
But now it's out of my system and I want you back.

1574
01:20:16,045 --> 01:20:18,423
You know, you've been calling me for months.

1575
01:20:19,581 --> 01:20:21,993
I made a lot of calls this summer, Charlie.

1576
01:20:22,051 --> 01:20:26,056
Tums out you were right. We were
boring. And you still are,

1577
01:20:27,523 --> 01:20:29,264
You're not my person.

1578
01:20:29,358 --> 01:20:31,360
You were never my person.

1579
01:20:37,800 --> 01:20:40,713
I think I just came.

1580
01:20:49,511 --> 01:20:51,013
I love Lauren.

1581
01:20:54,249 --> 01:20:56,251
But I'm inside of you.

1582
01:20:57,252 --> 01:20:58,697
I know.

1583
01:20:59,888 --> 01:21:01,868
I think I might love you, too.

1584
01:21:01,924 --> 01:21:06,771
But she would be so proud of me right now.

1585
01:21:07,463 --> 01:21:10,376
And I just wanna tell her, but I can't tell her.

1586
01:21:10,466 --> 01:21:13,606
Because I hate her and she hates me, so.

1587
01:21:15,104 --> 01:21:17,106
I think I love you, too.

1588
01:21:21,810 --> 01:21:23,790
Now call her.

1589
01:21:27,082 --> 01:21:28,254
Do it.

1590
01:21:38,093 --> 01:21:39,595
<i>Hey, it's Lauren. Sorry I missed your call.</i>

1591
01:21:39,695 --> 01:21:40,799
<i>Leave me a message and I'll call you back,</i>

1592
01:21:40,963 --> 01:21:42,101
What the fuck'?

1593
01:21:42,698 --> 01:21:45,042
<i>Hi, it's Katie. Leave a message.</i>

1594
01:21:45,501 --> 01:21:46,605
Really?

1595
01:21:46,702 --> 01:21:49,239
Fuck! See?

1596
01:21:58,680 --> 01:22:01,092
It's me. Please don't hang up.

1597
01:22:01,150 --> 01:22:02,720
I love you.

1598
01:22:02,785 --> 01:22:04,423
I love you!

1599
01:22:04,520 --> 01:22:06,591
And I'm out of breath because you've
been running through my mind

1600
01:22:06,688 --> 01:22:08,224
all day and I'm coming!

1601
01:22:08,290 --> 01:22:10,099
<i>I'm coming! I'm coming! I'm coming!</i>

1602
01:22:10,159 --> 01:22:11,763
You're coming to me?

1603
01:22:11,860 --> 01:22:13,396
<i>Yes! Yes! Yes!</i>

1604
01:22:13,462 --> 01:22:15,408
<i>Are you close'? I'm so close.</i>

1605
01:22:15,464 --> 01:22:17,444
I'm down the street. Iwanna be with you.

1606
01:22:17,533 --> 01:22:18,876
Please let me come inside.

1607
01:22:18,967 --> 01:22:21,641
I want you to come inside.

1608
01:22:21,737 --> 01:22:24,149
I want you! I want you so hard!

1609
01:22:25,541 --> 01:22:28,954
Come to me! Come to me! I love you back!

1610
01:22:29,011 --> 01:22:30,012
<i>I love you, too!</i>

1611
01:22:30,112 --> 01:22:31,113
I think I love you.

1612
01:22:31,180 --> 01:22:32,784
I know I love you, but“.

1613
01:22:32,881 --> 01:22:34,918
Okay, I can't stop saying it!

1614
01:22:34,983 --> 01:22:37,623
I'm close! I'm so close!

1615
01:22:37,719 --> 01:22:40,757
Here I come! Oh, this feels so good!

1616
01:22:40,823 --> 01:22:42,063
<i>I know! I know!</i>

1617
01:22:42,157 --> 01:22:43,636
I love you. I love you. I love you.

1618
01:22:43,725 --> 01:22:45,762
Now I can't stop saying it!

1619
01:22:48,263 --> 01:22:49,241
Where are you?

1620
01:22:49,331 --> 01:22:50,332
I'm here!

1621
01:22:53,902 --> 01:22:54,880
I missed you!

1622
01:22:54,970 --> 01:22:55,971
I missed you.

1623
01:22:56,038 --> 01:22:57,711
You're so sweaty!

1624
01:22:58,373 --> 01:23:00,876
I just ran 11 blocks in heels!

1625
01:23:03,445 --> 01:23:05,186
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

1626
01:23:05,280 --> 01:23:06,816
You know I love you.

1627
01:23:06,915 --> 01:23:09,953
I don't know why I didn't say it that
morning and I should have.

1628
01:23:10,018 --> 01:23:12,362
No. I was wrong to take the job without talking to you.

1629
01:23:12,454 --> 01:23:15,663
Of course you took the job. What
are you gonna do, not take it?

1630
01:23:15,757 --> 01:23:18,863
Who am I to stand in the way of your dream job?

1631
01:23:20,929 --> 01:23:22,738
Can I come home'?

1632
01:23:23,499 --> 01:23:24,569
Obvs.

1633
01:23:25,601 --> 01:23:26,807
But what are you wearing?

1634
01:23:26,869 --> 01:23:29,110
What are you, like the Gramercy Park flasher now?

1635
01:23:29,204 --> 01:23:30,877
Charlie called me and I went to see him

1636
01:23:31,006 --> 01:23:32,679
and I thought that I would wear this

1637
01:23:32,774 --> 01:23:35,186
because I thought that maybe he would like it.

1638
01:23:36,945 --> 01:23:37,980
Oh, my God!

1639
01:23:38,080 --> 01:23:39,081
Who wears this?

1640
01:23:39,548 --> 01:23:41,027
All right.

1641
01:23:41,083 --> 01:23:44,553
Let's gel you inside and put on something sensible.

1642
01:23:44,653 --> 01:23:47,065
Oh, my God! Speaking of letting people inside“.

1643
01:23:47,155 --> 01:23:50,693
I let Sean inside, my vagina! We just had sex!

1644
01:23:50,792 --> 01:23:52,328
Oh, my God!

1645
01:23:52,394 --> 01:23:57,639
I mean, "ow" at first, but then out of this world.

1646
01:23:57,733 --> 01:23:58,939
I have to hear all the details.

1647
01:23:59,034 --> 01:24:00,206
Oh, I have details.

1648
01:24:00,269 --> 01:24:03,216
Like, who knew their stuff runs right
out as soon as they're done?

1649
01:24:03,272 --> 01:24:05,047
And it's so warm.

1650
01:24:06,008 --> 01:24:09,114
I got some running down my leg right now!